#i don't know too much about illnesses and diseases but i think something unfortunate is happening to their immune systems

[pochapal]

both my parents have covid (again)

[cuteniarose]

I'm bored and can't sleep because of cramps so I decided to mess around with an incorrect quotes generator using the latest OCs @katkastrofa and I created that I unfortunately cannot talk about in detail here because I'd get nerfed in an instant:

[edgeray]

Request Page ≧◉◡◉≦

Decided that I will be accepting requests over the summer.

I will only accept Arlecchino requests, because I cannot write for any other character. Bear with me, as this is the first time I've done this. If the amount of rules I have scare you, sorry.

TLDR;

More specifics under the cut if you have questions, but also feel free to send me an ask if you have more questions.

I write Arlecchino x Reader's (platonic and romantic) and I write wlw Arlecchino ships. No nsfw, dark, sensitive, specific, taboo, or lore heavy requests for x Reader's and ships. Borderline nsfw is okay, as long as I can imply it. I do not write amab characters, meaning no amab readers and no straight ships. No Arlefuri. Reader will default to gender-neutral, unless requested afab. I love writing AUs, so please send me some! I'm open to ANY AU (as long as it pertains to my rules). I can write fluff, angst, crack, etc. You can request for a continuation of my other works as well, which you can find in my masterlist. Lastly, if you plan on requesting more than once as anon, give yourself a name/emoji :)

Want to request but don't have any ideas? Check out my ideas/wip post here. Feel free to request anything on here, I'm always excited to get the opportunity to write more.

Here are some rules for requesting :

rules that aren't relating to Reader apply to ships requests as well (ie. still no nsfw).

no nsfw requests. there are enough nsfw blogs out there that will love to take your requests ^0^, but there are few blogs dedicated to arlecchino for sfw, which is what I want to establish this blog for. (i recommend for nsfw x Reader's @/megistusdiary, @/knavesflame, @/servalisms for nsfw ;]). I can write suggestive, but I will not write actual sex.

no typical 'dead dove do not eat' topics (ie. cannibalism, torture, etc.)

no taboo topics (ie. any form of incest).

no *super* sensitive topics (ie. SH, SA, etc).

no specific reader requests (like reader with a specific illness/disease/condition, or reader that has a particular racial/ ethnical/ cultural/ religious background, etc). I know this is vague, so if you do request something along the lines, I will reply back whether or not I will be doing it. I do not want to exclude people in my writing.

no amab reader. unless specified afab reader by request, reader will be gender neutral

no mlw ships. i cannot write male characters, hence why the no amab reader either.

no lore heavy requests (sorry, I don't have much genshin knowledge ;()

General Information :

Asks will generally be the same length range of my blurbs (0.5k-2.5k words depending on how much I like the idea and can write about it

I'm willing to write for all sorts of scenario! Wholesome, angsty, crack, etc.

I can't say how fast each request will take because I've never done this before, but I'll try to be swift! It may vary because of my summer schedule.

Please send me AU requests (ie. modern au, soulmate au, space au, monster au, go crazy)! I think they're the coolest thing ever, and I don't have to rely on Genshin lore, which I have limited knowledge of.

Feel free to request a continuation on my works too (though it will take longer to do than usual asks)

I can write for Arle ships! (but only wlw ships, because I cannot see Arlecchino with a man, EVER). However, unfortunately, I will not write for Arlecchino and Furina (it is not my cup of tea, and there's plenty of Arlefuri content out there). My favorites are Arlevie and Arlebina, but I'll consider other requests.

[fatuismooches]

hiya smooches jus wanted to share a silly lil brain rot I have for fragile reader

so we all know that the harbingers are really protective of reader and they seem to have an incurable disease right? Well, I was thinking, what if the Tsaritsa found out a way to slow the reader's illness?

Like think about it, she has a cryo gnosis so maybe she found away to freeze the readers illness/slow it down but of course there has to be drawbacks

they sorta end up in a giqi-like state where there bones will grow stiff if they stand still for to long, they can no longer express themselves as much - like their voice is much more monotone and deadpan as well

this also means that they will be living much longer as well (angst for our mortal harbingers </3)

ofc they still have their own free will but they might also get mistaken as a pushover by newer recruits unfortunately

but before my brain rot gets to long I will bid you farewell smooches! hope you have a wonderful rest of your day <3

(I'll probably be sticking around for a while so can I be known as 🧸 anon?)

"SILLY LIL BRAIN ROT" THIS IS NOT VERY SILLY 🧸 ANON!! 😭😭💔💔 Anyway- i love how we're bringing the Tsaritsa more into this, she's neglected even more than the Harbingers in-game 😓 I think your idea is pretty interesting... and sad 😭 It would be a very big decision, and even she would have trouble doing it knowing what will happen. The Tsaritsa is the God of Love after all, she wouldn't want to see you struggling like that either... or your lover being upset at your new state. It is ultimately your decision though, but I don't think your Harbinger lover would like it very much...

You are basically the light in the Harbingers' lives, despite your illness, your smiles, laughs, sudden giddiness, and bursts of energy and excitement truly make them happy. And to think all of that would be no more? And your new body too, would you be okay without them? What if something happens? Would you be suffering more like this? Maybe your illness won't be as bad, but would you really be happy living like this forever? Their hearts would fill with melancholy as when they hold you, your skin is colder than the Snezhnayan snow. Your eyes are dead, no longer holding the emotion and color they once loved to gaze at. They would blame themselves forever, they wouldn't really want you to do this unless it was the final option.

Especially Dottore. He would rather keep trying to the end of time - you're the only one who kept him on his toes for hundreds of years. He wants you to remain the person as you are right now, he doesn't think he'll be able to deal with it if you become an emotionless "zombie"... he's already had to see you in a coma for so long.

[haberdashing]

I just want to take a moment and talk about vaccines.

Not the vaccine controversy. Not the Covid-19 vaccine. Just... vaccines.

The basic concept of them is wild to begin with!

Someone noticed that people who got one disease became immune to another, more dangerous one. They learned that this was connected to why some diseases can only strike a person once, that the body has a system of striking down invaders once it knows them well enough to recognize their shape. And then they took that concept and were able to apply it to some small fraction of a disease, something that is not nearly strong enough to actually hurt a person but has the same shape of the illness it's modeled after, and turned it into something you inject directly into the body. And now your body knows that disease's shape. And now you're immune to it. Perhaps forever.

And we've used that concept to do a lot in the way of promoting public health.

You're probably aware of smallpox being eradicated. But think about it again. A vicious disease that preyed upon humanity for millennia, killed untold millions, caused plague after plague. Gone forever. At this point, many of us don't even have the scars from its eradication--but some do. Some still have a scar on their body that acts as proof that they are old enough to know of smallpox, and young enough to have been part of the campaign that destroyed it.

But did you know smallpox wasn't the only disease eradicated by vaccination?

Rinderpest doesn't get as much press, likely because it never affected humans directly, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a scourge in its own right. It killed cattle in a week or two after the first symptoms, causing them a painful, unpleasant death--and it almost always did end in death, in the end, with a mortality rate second perhaps only to rabies. And if the suffering of the cattle weren't enough, think of the cattle farmers who could only stand by and watch as their herds were ravaged by this plague, as it spread from beast to beast until there were no survivors, and the animals that they had poured so much time, energy, and attention into were nothing but diseased, rotting flesh.

And rinderpest, too, was eradicated by a worldwide vaccination campaign. Nobody ever has to worry about it anymore. Rinderpest is gone forever, just like smallpox.

We're not far off with polio, either. You probably know the old stories of polio as a threat, of children afraid to swim in pools with other children, of whole wards of hospital patients within iron lungs for their entire lives. But the vast majority of people reading this post know that only through those old stories, not through lived experience.

There are only two countries now where wild polio remains endemic. ("Wild polio" is here used to differentiate it from polio as a complication of use of the live vaccine, which does happen, unfortunately.) Those countries are Afghanistan and Pakistan, for which the reasons behind the eradication campaign's delayed success are, sadly, all too obvious. But even in those war-torn countries, a total of twelve (12) cases of polio were reported in 2023. That's a far cry from the days where it was a threat looming in every neighborhood.

We could eradicate polio in the coming years, too. We're not far off. It's been complicated by politics and logistics, but we've already overcome a lot of the same. Soon, polio might become just another historical footnote.

All because one scientist noticed that the milkmaids who got cowpox never seemed to get ill during smallpox epidemics. And all because humanity as a whole banded together and campaigned to eradicate diseases for good with this new knowledge.

It's not just polio, either. If we all worked together, we might be able to eradicate measles, mumps, rubella... it'll never be all diseases, not even close--some mutate too fast, others have too many wild animal hosts--but with a bit of a push we can take a few more of those diseases that ruined countless lives across human history and turn them into a historical footnote and curiosity, names that once inspired terror becoming merely quaint and old-fashioned.

Isn't that a wonderful thought?

[hello-nichya-here]

Why is the topic of curing disabilities/mental illnesses so controversial?

Simple: the conversation often excludes the very people that would suposedly benefit from said cures, and whenever we point out some pretty serious flaws in most people's ideas of how a "cure" for these conditions would work, we get yelled at and called ungrateful and/or stupid.

For exemple, plenty of organizations (like Autism Speaks) are always going on and on about how everyone needs to work together to find a cure for autism. Unfortunately, they do that while:

1 - Ignoring that pretty much any serious research into autism shows that it CAN'T be "cured" since it would need to AT THE VERY LEAST completely alter a person's nervous system (not just the brain, but every single nerve too), and that is sort of fucking impossible.

2 - Ignoring that autism is a genetic condition, and likely comes from anomalies in multiple cromossomes. Instead, they focus on stupid shit like soy milk, or vaccines, or something the mother did while pregnant supposedly causing it - things that have been proven false decades ago. Not only does that result in a HUGE waste of money, it often spreads misinformation about the condition (and does some serious damage, like a ton of diseases that had been previously erraticated coming back because of the anti-vax movement).

3 - Ignoring that plenty of autistic people DON'T WANT A FUCKING CURE. If you offered me a miracle cure for my anxiety, I'd take it, because this illness brought me literally nothing good ever. If you offered me a cure for my autism, I'd instantly reject it. Now, if I could get rid of just a few traits (like the sensory issues and meltdowns), I would accept it, but only if I was sure it would be JUST these traits that bring me difficulties, not stuff like hyperfocus or not liking it when people I don't know get too touchy with me.

4 - Trying to "cure" autistic people things like ABA "therapy", that was literally invented by the same guy who created gay conversion therapy and said that autistic people are not human, andwas proven time and time again to give patients PTSD + to not actually "cure" them, just make them mask their traits as much as possible, which led to many patients getting depressed and suicidal.

Now, you might be thinking "Okay, a cure for autism is a lost, pointless cause, but what about other stuff, like a blind person getting surgery so they will be able to see?"

That might sound much easier to do, but it can often be just as complicated. For some people, it would be just a few quick surgeries and then it's done, they can see for the rest of their life.

But say someone is blind because an accident that really damaged their eyes, to the point that, sure, maybe the surgery would be a complete, life-long success - or only help for a few years, then they'd be blind again, assuming it worked at all. And in some other cases, the possibility of complete, lasting success is just out question.

Is it that hard to imagine that some people would not want to risk the disappointment of it not working at all , or only working at first, then they'd end up blind again, forcing them go to the entire process of getting used to it once more after it was supposedly already over?

On that same kind of situation, there's also stuff like people getting MANY super complicated, super expensive surgeries that they'd take a long time to recover from and could have mixed results, like say someone who had a serious spinal injury - sometimes they'll be able to walk by themselves, other times they'll need a cane, and other times they'll need a wheelchair.

That kind of stuff can be a brutal process that would be very stressful, and once again, super expensive, and one could easily decide it's just not worth it, and just stick to being on a wheelchair all the time.

Since I mentioned money, that is unfortunately a factor many people ignore in pretty much anything related to medicine - if it is so expensive that basically nobody can afford it, then it might as well not exist.

There's also the problem of people spending all their time focusing on trying to find some miracle cure, and completely neglecting to do basic stuff that would assure disabled people would have a good life regardless. I lost count of how many "inclusive and accepting" schools I've seen (including the one I went to for most of school-life) or even HUGE hospitals that don't bother to have a fucking ramp or doors whide enough that would allow someone in a wheelchair to enter the room. Couldn't at least some of the budget from governments and charities go to that?

And to end the money talk, there's also the fact that some disabled/mentally ill people DO have money. So much money in fact, that they can just deal with life with barely any struggles, since there's a ton of people and resources they can turn to. Not that hard to imagine why they aren't spending every second of every day dreaming of a way to be cured.

And on that same vein, there's also situations like people who were born blind or deaf and plenty of them don't really want to be "cured" because... well, they might know other people's lives are different from theirs because of their disability, but they never really experienced the world in any other way, so what someone else could see as a tragedy or at the very least a really radical change in their own life is just some mundane shit to them. And even people who became disabled later in life can sort of go through the same if they are used to it and don't really see a point in trying to fix something that, if they're lucky enough to have proper support, isn't really a problem to them anymore.

Basically this topic could be way less of a mess, and more importantly way less condescending/ableist, if the goal was on helping each individual in whatever way would work best of them, instead of just lumping all the disabled and mentally ill into the same "tragic" group that can ONLY ever be "helped" by becoming "normal" so the rest of the world doesn't have to deal with the fact that some people are different and *gasp* that doesn't have to be the end of the fucking world.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Lasso of truth! Byakuya, what are your favorite things about everyone?

Gugh...Alright fine...

I've always been rather envious of Makoto's tenacity and his unwillingness to give up even in the bleakest of times. It feels like the one thing he could do that I could not, and I don't know if I'll ever match it. Kyoko is one of few people who I think can match me in intellect and observation. Even back when we first met, I did always think she was cunning. Dangerously so, in fact.

Hina has an enviable passion, and it stuns me how she can both be so upbeat and positive, but also knows her limits and is realistic when she needs to be. She doesn't live in her own fantasy like most people and is serious about everything she does.

Hiro...Geh...I suppose I can compliment Hiro on trying to get out of his diseased mindset of money and scamming, as well as how he's strong for his friends and family. Other than that, that man unfortunately doesn't have many redeeming qualities.

I don't keep it a secret that I've never been really fond of Toko. However, since she joined up with Komaru and got off my back a little, I came to respect her more as a person. Especially as of late, when she's trying to keep everyone together despite how it's weighing on her too.

Sayaka has a near unshakeable willpower and a strong dedication to fix everyone's problems and right her own wrongs. Even though her past weighs heavily on her, she remains standing. Leon isn't the brightest bulb in the box, but he's capable and strong. He's not the slacker everyone thinks he is. Give him a task, and he'll do whatever his limits allow him.

Chihiro's intellect and digital smarts have gotten us out of scrapes more times than I can count on my hands. Honestly, had it not been for him, we would have lost to Junko a long time ago...And I admit, it makes me feel...indifferent about what I did to his body during the Killing Game.

Mondo is an oaf, there's no denying that, but he cares greatly about his friends and would do anything to protect them and make them happy. And that includes me. We definitely have issues with each other, but we can still make a decent team. Taka's actions don't always go the way he wants, but his heart is always in the right place with everything he says and does. Though his rants about effort get a little tiresome after a while, nothing he says is really wrong. If you're going to advocate a message, there are worse things to stand by.

Hifumi...as strange as his practices are to me, I admire his passion and creativity. His talents and his eye for detail are not wasted on him.

Sakura's strength is obviously something to be admired. But not only her literal strength, but her strength of heart as well. Back in the day, I could not fathom the idea that someone would be willing to take their own life for the sake of protecting the bonds between her friends. I severely underestimated her, and regret my assumptions even to this day.

And Mukuro...The decision to bring her back to life was not an ill one like we thought. Having someone like her on our side made our jobs at the Future Foundation so much easier...and it made me reconsider where the line between Hope and Despair really lies. I wouldn't have learned that if not for her, and I hope she's resting peacefully now, wherever she ended up.

[timeoverload]

Ok I'm sorry about what I said last night. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or be insensitive so I apologize if it came across that way. You didn't do anything wrong.

I'm just very confused and I guess I should stop worrying about what's going on. Your life is none of my business and I shouldn't try to get involved in anything. I don't know why I keep trying to get answers. I need to accept the fact that you don't want to talk to me or share any information with me. I can't force you to tell me anything. I don't know what you are going through so I shouldn't assume things. I just want to know what is bothering you. I need to stop obsessing about it and I'm sorry for caring too much. It's difficult for me to pretend like I don't.

I'm not sure how to interpret all of the messages you are trying to send me. It seems like you are trying to tell me that I'm evil or that I need to overcome my demons or something. I'm not sure why you would think that I'm evil because I don't think that I am. I don't know if that's what you are trying to say or not.

I'm not sure what demons I need to overcome at this point. I know I'm a lot better than I used to be. I don't really enjoy being sober but I still am so that should count for something. I'm sorry for having the desire to smoke weed to manage my physical pain and anxiety. I don't think having that desire makes me a bad person but I still haven't been doing it since I can't anyway. I also have moved past my previous relationship and I'm mostly content on my own. I do struggle with some stuff but it's mostly due to my physical limitations and I'm learning how to live with my disabilities. I literally can't help the fact that I'm bipolar and it's a disease that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I'm trying really hard to manage it and I'm a lot better at dealing with it than I did when I was younger. I'm doing my best to overcome the anhedonia that I've been experiencing for a while and I don't feel like I should be punished for it because unfortunately that's just a symptom of my mental illness. I shouldn't have said anything bad about my brother either because depression is a very serious condition and I know that. I'm also sorry for being anxious about things and that's another thing I have to try to manage forever. I'm sorry if that bothers you. Also, I have to remind people that my brain isn't structured like everyone else's because it didn't fully develop and that's not my fault. I can't change the fact that I'm different.

I'm actively trying so hard to get out of a toxic work environment on my own. I'm not expecting anyone to fix shit for me and I'm not totally helpless. I know I don't lack self-efficacy. I have gotten out of a lot of bad situations on my own. I deal with a lot of problems by myself. I know sometimes I talk about not having a lot of motivation but I still accomplish more than you think. Sometimes it makes it easier to do things after I vent about it. I have actually gotten a lot of shit done today. I'm a lot stronger than people might perceive me to be. I have literally never been in a situation like this before so I think I'm handling things pretty well given the circumstances. The past couple years have been tough for me.

I also don't think I'm wrong for wanting to spend time with people on a physical level. I don't think I'm wrong for not wanting to spend all of my time in my room and wanting to get out and experience things with people. I don't think I'm wrong for being depressed about not being able to do that. I'm only human and that's a normal thing for a human to desire. I'm sure my serotonin levels would be a lot higher if I could actually be around the people I care about. I don't want to have shallow connections or friendships. That's another reason I didn't want to go to that party last night because I don't feel a deep connection with those people. I do feel a deep connection to the people who read my blog though and it really sucks that everything has to continue to be a secret. I'm tired of all of the rules.

Life is short and I want to be able to enjoy the time that I have instead of wasting it by myself. How long do I have to work on myself and be alone before I'm deemed worthy of human interaction? This sucks and I feel like I have been alone long enough.

I don't have to share anything with you but I choose to because I want you to be a part of my life. I can't force you to reciprocate that even though I wish you could. I should be able to be open about stuff without it being used against me. I should be able to talk about the things that I'm concerned about. Communication is very important in a healthy relationship. I want to have a normal relationship so badly. A lot of disagreements and misunderstandings could be avoided if we could just talk about stuff. I really just want to get along and not argue about anything. I don't even know if you are actually mad at me but I'm not sure what to think right now.

I decided that I should just refrain from posting personal things for a while. I'm not in the mood to continue sharing my feelings at the moment. I'm not trying to "get back" at you for anything but it doesn't seem fair to continue to pour my heart out to you all the time if you can't respond with words. I also don't want to offend you anymore because I feel like I do a lot of the time. I don't want to create any more problems. I just can't continue doing this right now and I spend a lot of time writing stuff. I'm just going to be quiet for a while unless I have something to say that's important. I appreciate you all for putting up with me and listening to me. I love you all.

I love you Maxwell. I really hope we can work things out someday because that would make me extremely happy. I'm looking forward to the day that we can actually have a conversation. I appreciate you and thank you for everything. 💖

[hinatastinygiant]

Chapter Fifty Six

Internum Sanguinem

Pairing: Haikyuu!! x Fem!Reader

previous | next | 2099

Despite the little hiccup, the three of you get back into the bus and continue on your journey to the airport. This time, however, Suna and Osamu sit in the front together while Oikawa walks to the back of the bus. He doesn't look so good. Paler than normal and almost as if he's out of breath for no reason. You, being the doctor you are and insinuating that something bad is about to happen, go after him. 

"Are you okay?" you ask him as he sits down on your old couch which could definitely use a bit of cleaning.

"Fine," he wheezes out before coughing. Then, his eyes begin to water as if he's not being completely truthful about the pain he's in.

You sigh as you sit down beside him. You extend out his arm, the one he just coughed into, and see a few small blood stains. "Jesus, Oikawa," you groan, "How long has this been going on for?"

"I dunno, a few days probably," he shrugs. "I didn't want to worry you."

"It looks like the same sickness I got from Lev, Alisa, and Yachi," you tell him as you begin to run through diagnostics in your head. Unfortunately, you haven't picked up a medical book recently, so your memory is a bit jogged.

"Do you think it is?" Lev asks as he peers over your shoulder.

"Maybe it's the same but like on the inside," Alisa adds, thinking aloud.

"You don't have any other pre-existing diseases or any complications of your liver, do you?" you ask Oikawa worriedly.

"No," he shakes his head, "not that I know of."

"We don't know much about that illness the four of us contracted, but maybe there is some kind of variation where it makes your insides bleed instead of the outside of your skin. Shit, I have no idea. It's not like I can test any of this. It's all just speculation. Dangerous, too. But what I do know is that coughing up blood is not a good sign."

"Way to tell it to me straight, doc," Oikawa sighs as he looks down at his lap.

"I'm sorry, Oikawa. It's also possible that you got a cold and have a respiratory tract infection," you say to dispel his worry. Unfortunately, the look on his face shows that he's not relaxed in the least. "Do you have chest pain? Dizziness or light-headedness? I can tell you're already short of breath. Could be a possible sign of a respiratory tract in-"

"Fuck, I don't know? What are you going to ask me next? Do I have a fucking high temp? How the hell am I supposed to know," he grumbles as he leans back against the couch and stares up at the ceiling of the bus.

You sigh as your eyes look around and land on Kageyama who just shakes his head and rolls his eyes as though his friend is just being dramatic. However, you know how annoying that illness was when you got it. So, if that is what Oikawa has, you can't blame him for being cranky.

"Rin," you call out to the two guys in the front as you get up from the couch. "Think we can make one more stop?"

"What now?" he groans.

"Don't say it's another bathroom break," Osamu shakes his head.

"Don't worry, it's not. Wouldn't want to run into any psychos with guns waiting outside," you smile softly at Osamu. "Oikawa's coughing up blood. I wanted to stop at a pharmacy, maybe Seiyu, and get him some Pulmozyme or Nebusal and another shirt to wear," you explain to the two of them.

"Too bad. He can tough it out to the airport. Besides, if we do and there is someone to take us out of this god-forsaken place, he can go to a hospital somewhere," Osamu tells you.

"I think there's a Seiyu down the road a bit," Suna interrupts.

"Thanks, Rin," you smile. "I really appreciate it."

"You're shitting me," Osamu groans as he looks over at Suna. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, why not?" Suna shrugs as he looks back at Osamu. "He's sick. If he doesn't get better the rest of us could end up that way, too. And what if there is no magical airplane waiting to take us away? We just let him get worse?"

Osamu shakes his head as he looks back at you for a moment before returning his eyes to the road. He is in the passenger seat, after all. Suna's the one driving.

Like Suna said, there is a Seiyu down the road a little ways. He drives the bus to just outside the front door and parks it. He then looks back towards where you are with Oikawa again. "Ready to go, Y/N?" he then asks, waiting for you to back off from the sick passenger.

"Yeah," you nod as you look over at him. A worried look overtakes your face as you grab your rifle and walk toward the front of the bus. "I'll be right back."

"You're going in alone?" Kenma asks as he, too, stands to his feet.

"No, I'll go with her," Suna adds while he pulls the key out of the ignition and puts them in his pocket. We'll be right back.

You wait by the front door of the Seiyu while Suna steps out of the bus and makes his way toward you. "Let's go then," he nods as he steps near the broken automatic doors.

The two of you walk into the store side by side quickly. You almost tip-toe to the middle of the store where you then look around for the pharmacy. Luckily, when you spot it, it's not too far away. You and Suna run over and begin rummaging through the different prescription medicine bottles.

"What're we looking for again?" Suna asks as he picks up a small red medicine bottle.

"Pulmozyme or Nebusal. For Oikawa's coughing up blood. I think it might be a lung infection or something like that."

"Shit, I don't even know how to spell that let alone find it in this mess," he grumbles to himself.

"Well keep looking. If you see something else that says cystic fibrosis, we can take that, too."

previous | next | 2099

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Taglist: @isentsworld

[ang3l-core]

A little bit bitter

Really sad isn't it ? how one of the things that I feel like can really make me feel the most unhappy at times whenever I'm reminded of it's existence had to have such an unfortunate truth in which I was told about when I was bit younger a couple years ago that there was pretty much nothing that I could do about it

And I guess I'm just a little bit bitter I suppose and still even now because for years I have basically had to sit back and just watch while something I had a predisposition for that was embedded in my genetic code progressed into even more and more worse illness and kept on overlapping and causing problems until it had took over my whole body

A disease in my connective tissues that are connecting me, so tightly woven like a fabric so it could make sure to be together with me forever permanently for eternity

Perhaps even after death, so I don't even think I could even ever give some of myself away to save somebody else

So in some way I kind of feel sort of like guilt or shame about it

Cuz back when I was a kid all I wanted to do was donate but now I honestly don't think that that's ever gonna happen because I don't really want anyone to be inheriting what had been little by little eating at me away

Anyways I didn't want this to feel like I'm just tryna be like really bleak or morbid

I just feel like at my core in reality having this for me this is what it is

I could try to hide it from people and you could just see only the smiling version of me

But what you wouldn't see from looking at the warmth in my eyes are also all the moments where I still feel horrible and emotionally torn because how this has progressed for me so far has been heart-wrenching

I feel like honestly I am still struggling with coming to terms still with how this is how life is for me

I wanna still have hope that I actually can do this and I can make it through this, like how it's all been affecting me like mentally and physically

But I think I have somewhat given up hopes on ever escaping this thing because in a way somehow I guess that interchangeably that u could say really I am it or it is me

And also I guess that it's still apart of my body so it's a part of me so as the years go by and it's progressing and changing along with me

I've been tryna relearn to still love myself with it but it hasn't exactly been easy

Now after all the days, months and another whole calender goes around again I am proud to say that at least I've been managing it enough to prevent any more prolonged hospital stays

Even though I will still have alot of flare ups sometimes and bad days

But again I would say that it's alot more comfortable trying to take care of it in not an uncomfortable bed with cold rails somewhere with super noisy surroundings but in the comfort of my own home

Which for me is still a little bit better just being in a space that for me is more normal around things that make just a little more happy because it's about quality of life you know

There are sometimes though for me when going through this gets to be alot for me and very lonely and "hell" just honestly sounds like another word for my vessel

But I mean what more can I do when I'm already doing my best ? it's never a feeling that really goes away but I just try to learn to cope

And the best that I think I can do for now is just keep on making sure that I hang in there and if everything's gets too overwhelming for me in the moment I'll just try instead just focusing on one thing at a time

And just keep on trying to wake up everyday and take care of myself and then after today I can focus on tomorrow

[nyoggets]

There's something so very very bittersweet about finding beauty in things and meaning in that; knowing the time you've got left to look at it is limited

Some medical chat and health lamentation up ahead, not the most entertaining by any measure but I gotta write down my thoughts

I mentioned my eye infection; chronic for nearly 10 years now; a while ago and had a checkup today. My vision hasn't really returned fully, and while that in itself isn't Abnormal after an infection per se, it's been a while, so I was hoping there was simply still an infection, since that'd explain my loss of sight. Unfortunately, fortunately - I can't really tell - the infection is gone, which means my sight is too, it's unlikely it'll get better again, and this is just another hit my eye took. As said, I've had these infections pretty regularly (sometimes viciously) for almost a decade, so those hits stack up. Because that alone isn't enough, I've also got a congenital degenerative eye disease that's slowly, but not slowly enough, eating away at my photoreceptors. There's no cure for this, and mine is progressing much too fast; likely exacerbated by the frequent infections. All this to say; me going blind isn't a question of "if", it's "when".

Nearly everything I enjoy is very visual, partially by choice, partially by necessity given I'm deaf too. I lost my hearing when I was between 3 and 4, so this is really all I've ever known. My pedagogy professor used to say being blind separates you from things, being deaf from people. But well, at some point things were really all I had, so losing those too just really fucking sucks. I try not to think about it too much because well, chronic illness, can't think about to much or it'll break you. It's fine, I'll find a way to live with any new developments too, I just wish I didn't need to.

My vision is already terrible, I'm deaf but never really learned to sign so I don't really fit in either world, my joints have been giving up before I even reached double digits, congenital heart, lung and eye issues. Honestly it's harder to find a part of my body that works just fine (my teeth?? For now); and while I can still do most things by myself for the time being, it sucks thinking about how much more I could be if I hadn't lost the lottery for every bodypart I own. And this is just the physical stuff, not whatever I've got going on mentally (also not great).

Trigger for all of this was thinking; after this annoying check-up and getting another syringe jammed into eyes for preventative measures, followed by an absolute mess of trains home getting cancelled left and right; yknow maybe I could treat myself to a book after all this. Found an absolutely beautiful collection of Edgar Allen Poe, all the stories and poems, beautiful hardcover and gilded sides, beautiful art on the front and back; was obviously set on "yeah, that's the one". Until I opened the pages and realized the font was too small for me to see. I haven't been able to read a physical book in many, many years now, and while ebooks can certainly scratch the itch a little - it's obviously not the same.

This is messy and bitter and there's not really any positive moral or message here - chronic illness sucks, I'm still only 22 so I'm positive it'll only get worse from here. Just had to get these thoughts OUT so I can continue to not think about this until shit hits the fan, as I've been doing for most my life. And now I'll get home and bake a cake again and make jambalaya for dinner; and hopefully can manage to push down this mourning for things I haven't lost just yet.

[aita-family-holiday]

Oh hey, this got posted! Might as well give some updates then.

"Can't you visit them any other time, too?" - I'm capable of it, yes, but unfortunately I'm afflicted with Forgets So So Many Things disease and I don't want to bother anyone. Add that to the fact that my dad and his wife can also visit at any time and the latter of the two will no doubt start shit if she sees me and you have a recipe for constant paranoid avoidance. It'd also be a massive shame to miss any Christmas events since, barring quarantine, I've been to all of them on that side of the family.

"Can't you host your own event at your house?" - Not really. I live with my mom, and she's constantly talking about how ashamed she is about how the house looks, so I haven't been able to have a proper gathering for something since maybe my 12th birthday or so. Such is depression and general family-wide mental illness.

"Pleaae get therapy for this!" - Only one person is saying this, but I still feel like it's important to address. I do have therapy, but the interesting thing is that I also have so so much trauma from my dad and his wife. I didn't mention it in the ask because then it'd be venty and upsetting, but the bottom line is they were abusive to me and my sister pretty much the whole time we lived with them, especially his wife who STILL takes every chance she gets to verbally and emotionally abuse us. This isn't even, like, anyone blowing simple discipline out of proportion -- this has been recognized by multiple licensed professionals. (Coincidentally not by any of the highly-religious therapists that dad's wife picked out for us, though! Curious.)

Speaking of those medical professionals, the most recent one was someone who said they had to report it regardless of if the victims were now an adult and her very-almost-adult younger brother. If that goes anywhere, our understanding is that at worst dad's wife will be able to trace the report back to us and we'll have hell to pay and at best she'll get proper arrested for abuse because she has done a LOT to us, so either way that'd also put some extra strain on showing up to any christmas events. The best we can really do is hope, I suppose!

Plus, my grandma has open and active disdain for dad's wife and is entirely aware of her abuse, so I think it'd be funny to go to her and be like "Hey, granny, you know how you never liked that woman? Good news!" for the bit. Very likely wouldn't do it, but it'd be funny.

Sorry that this is so long, I love love love talking for way longer than I should. Words are like my best friends. Thanks for reading all of them!

WIBTA if I sidestepped not being contacted for holiday stuff? My dad's side of the family does thanksgiving and christmas stuff pretty much every year, but this time he didn't reach out to me and my older sister for the former of the two. The last time we directly spoke was after a horrible amusement park experience that made my sister vow not to go along with any sort of family outing he sets up. The problem is, if we don't go through my dad (or heaven forbid, his wife) we don't get to see our grandmother, aunts, cousins, etc. past our granny occasionally stopping by. I'm not entirely sure about my sister's feelings on it, and I don't intend to put any words in her mouth, but I dread the idea of not being able to see the parts of the family that don't entirely hate me. Not everyone on that side of the family likes me, granted -- it tends to happen with at least one family member when you're trans -- but most of them are on anywhere from good terms with me to being some of my go-to relatives in times of need. My idea is that I could contact an aunt or my grandmother asking them about any holiday gatherings that are coming up, but I realized a little while ago that for one family thanksgiving might have just... not happened this year, and for two my father likely didn't reach out because he's still mad at me for "ruining the trip" -- a long and largely unrelated story, but to summarize the important points I misjudged how severe my chronic pain would get after a lot of walking and had to sit down apparently long enough for my dad and his wife to get pissed off and fuss over it -- and I'd rather not rekindle his vitriol on accident.

It'd inarguably be a dick move to try and do this for any other reason than "I have a right to see my family regardless of how my dad feels", but I think it's also kind of a dick move to do it *for* that reason? Especially since his wife's likely spread enough lies about me over that trip to at least sour the mood at a christmas dinner provided I showed up. I wouldn't drag my sister into it against her will or without her knowledge, though I'd prefer if she tagged along if only because having someone rational to defend me if he or the wife started anything would be a godsend, so it's really just a matter that involves me here. (Unless she sees this ask, in which case: Surprise! I've felt so horribly garbage since that trip that I also immediately assumed it was dad being butthurt!) If I gave into my simultaneous spite for not being communicated with and intrinsic guilt for not visiting the family enough against my father's presumed wishes and his wife's very-likely-intended wishes, WIBTA?

What are these acronyms?

[redhairedwolfwitch]

Gentle-Hearted - Sarah Reese x Reader - Chicago Med

Request: Hi! I know it's not a set prompt but I was wondering could you do a Sarah Reece x reader where Sarah has to deliver very bad news to a family about their child being diagnosed with a degenerative disease. And basically Sarah asks reader to help her tell the family and then afterwards when Sarah breaks down reader is there for her. And when they have to tell the child Sarah can't do it so reader steps in to tell them gently and Sarah sees how gentle the reader is with kids.

Parker came in with a fractured left clavicle. So, Sarah sent for an x-ray to be sure.

The fracture was aligned, so he didn't need surgery. He got a sling and then Doctor Manning came in for a look.

Parker had no history of seizures or epilepsy, but he had a seizure anyway. Doctor Manning didn't think it was related to his clavicle either.

///

Tests were sent to figure out what caused Parker's seizure.

Parker had Krabbe Disease. Eight years old, late onset.

"What do you want to do?"

"Well, I've got to go talk to the par-" Doctor Manning stopped walking, looking down at her feet.

"Doctor Manning? You okay?" Sarah frowned, walking over to Doctor Manning.

"No, I think my water just broke."

"Oh my god, it did. Can we get a wheelchair over here?" Sarah announced, looking over at the other staff.

"Look, I'm sorry, Sarah, but you have to go tell the parents." Nat explaiend, passing the tablet back.

"What? Me? No, I don't have the experience."

"You have to. Go get Doctor Charles, or Doctor S/n. Either of them will help you. I have to go have this baby now." Doctor Manning stated as she was taken away in a wheelchair, leaving Sarah to sigh, glancing around for you.

///

"Doctor S/n? Doctor Manning said you could help me."

"You okay?"

"Uh, uh, I have a patient, that Doctor Manning and I were treating, but she went into labour, and we just diagnosed the patient with a terminal condition, called Krabbe disease. And now, I have to tell the parents that their eight year old is going to die, and their other child could too-"

"Okay, let's just, take a breath, sit down. First things first, you need to be clear and direct. They'll have questions, they'll want you to clarify things or repeat them, they'll be in shock. They might want you in there when they tell the child, but the child needs to know... as a doctor in peds, not telling the child? It's so much worse than telling them."

"Tell the child?" Sarah stammered, looking terrified as you went to open your bottle of water.

"I'll come with you... I don't want to leave you alone right now." You affirmed, reaching forwards as your fingers brushed with Sarah's.

"Thank you." Sarah replied, moving her fingers to brush yours again without really noticing.

///

You were sat in the room, quietly as Sarah explained to Parker's parents about Krabbe disease, you only interjected when the parents began to ask about their second child, Seth, and if he would test positive.

You paused as you exited the room, watching Sarah smile softly at a completely unaware Parker, before she headed towards the bathrooms.

Her sobs were loud enough that you heard them as you opened the door, not even speaking as you found Sarah at the sink, sobbing.

She was about to push you away but you shook your head, muttering something under your breath.

"It doesn't get easier, it never gets easier, so just take the hug, please." You whispered, sucking in a breath when Sarah turned to accept the hug you were offering.

///

Sarah lingered back as she watched you interact with Parker, explaining what was going on when Parker's parents struggled to explain that their son was going to die.

"Parker, you are sick in a different way. Unfortunately, you have an illness that we don't have a cure for yet."

You withheld a sigh as Parker asked if he was going to die, just like his dog did.

"Yeah, you are."

"More like 5 years." You explained, smiling slightly as Parker admitted that 5 years was a long time.

"Will I get to eat ice cream?"

You glanced up at his parents, smiling softly to try calm them and not scare Parker.

"I'm guessing the answer to that is yes."

///

"Seth tested negative for Krabbe disease." Sarah explained to Parker and Seth's mother, pausing as she spotted you and Parker working on something.

"We're filming a video." Parker grinned, leaving you to chuckle.

"Instructional videos for Seth." You elaborated, smiling at the video you'd taken with Parker, on how to teach Seth to tie his shoes.

Sarah smiled to herself as she watched you, biting her lip as you met her eyes, greeting her with a smile too.

///

"You're really gentle with children... I know you're a peds doctor but-" Sarah rambled, about to back-track but you smiled, reaching out to brush her arm.

"No, I get it, but the tiny humans deserve to feel comfortable. Wow, I sound like my teacher... Arizona Robbins was way better than me, she was fun, before she uh, lost her leg, she would skate around the hospital in heelys." You explained, not noticing how much Sarah was smiling to herself, or that her cheeks had gone red as she felt her heart racing.

She was developing a crush on the good-hearted peds doctor. You.

///

Sarah frowned as she glanced around, looking for you after shift.

"Hey, Maggie, have you seen Doctor S/n?" Sarah enquired, leaving Maggie and April to raise their eyebrows before Maggie's eyes softened.

"After tough cases with kids, Y/n's usually up on the balcony, taking a breather." Maggie explained, watching as Sarah made a beeline for the elevator.

"Do you think, Sarah and Y/n?"

"Ooh, definitely." Maggie nodded to April's question, as Sarah headed up to the balcony.

///

It took a moment to spot you, staring out at the Chicago skyline.

"Like I said in the bathroom, it doesn't get easier." You chuckled, swiping away the tears that were dripping down your cheeks.

"How are you so kind, all the time, even when you're breaking inside?" Sarah enquired, leaving you to sigh.

"The parents are just terrified, and it's not the child's faults they're sick. Children are so much easier to work with than adults too... I learnt that during my residency." You explained, not even glancing down as Reese's pinkie finger brushed yours.

You smiled slightly as Sarah nodded, standing next to you.

"I know every med student thinks they want to be in pathology or what-not when they start dealing with patients, but I think you'd be an amazing resident, but pathology would be wasting your talents." You affirmed, nodding as Sarah raised an eyebrow.

"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you." Sarah nodded in return, glancing out at the skyline as you looked out at the skyline too.

"It's pretty." Sarah announced, leaving you to hum in agreement.

Both of you kept quiet from saying what you would have said which was, 'like you.'

[fascinationex]

Cut from Thirty-Three (linked), because it wasn't going anywhere and didn't fit in well... it's cute though I think, so I shall share it with you here. about 700 words of sealpatico silliness

*

Although he'd said it wasnt work-related, the name of the thing Perceptor was reading was "IAES Handbook of Marine Mammal Medicine" which seemed like something a marine scientist would read for work. Unless... "Are you reading about marine mammal medicine to learn about me? You should just ask," Brainstorm said, worming over until he could flop beside the bed and lean his upper body on the soft blankets. They were very soft, which he loved, but they were also very warm, which he did not. Maybe he could ask for some and put them in the garage for moulting. (Oh, what if they smelled like Perceptor, too? He'd be so good and cosy.) "I'm a primary source!" He said, aloud. "I've gotta be better than whatever they've got." Brainstorm had, after all, taken care of himself for many a year. "You're an expert on, ah, phocid morbillivirus, then?" Perceptor murmured. "I know that the "phocid" in "phocid morbillivirus" means that it's a disease of true seals," Brainstorm pointed out. "Did someone tell you I could get it?" "Not exactly... but unfortunately, there are genera of morbillivirus that affect us all," he said drily. "I've had all my shots, and I'm collecting information about what might be of use for you if you spend time around more humans." Brainstorm guessed it was true that if it was a thing that could infect humans and true seals, maybe it was something good to know about for him. ...but since admitting this would be tacitly acknowledging he might not be one hundred per cent correct in his assertion that Perceptor should pay attention to him instead of the silly book, he elected to change the subject instead. "And so I don't get sick from you again." "And that," Perceptor allowed. Brainstorm leaned right in and then tilted his head to examine the back cover without disrupting Perceptor's reading. Much. "...the pathology, infectious diseases, medical treatment, anesthesia, surgery, husbandry... blah-blah-blah-blah... species-specific medicine, medically pertinent anatomy and physiology... dadadadada... marine mammals... it's a lot though, isn't it?" Perceptor didn't deny it. "Ratchet also seems increasingly worried that you might fall ill again from proximity to us—or vice versa." Getting Perceptor's flu had been gross. And, despite their best efforts and the insistence of Ratchet that everyone get their shots and rigorously practice hygiene routines, Brainstorm had gotten sick again with a mystery cold the next winter. He just hadn't had much exposure before, and he was catching right up. ("Like a toddler," said Ratchet, at the time. "Whines like a toddler, too.") "Human diseases are pretty disgusting," Brainstorm agreed. "And it's been really one-sided out here. I haven't given you lungworm." Brainstorm, of course, did not simply let gross diseases breed inside him to run amok among his friends. He understood humans were more numerous and could not be held to the same standards, but he had painstakingly created an antiparasitic routine and integrated it into his daily life by the time he was, like, fifteen. That was a thing he had done. The humans didn't seem to be trying very hard with all their colds and flus, or else they simply were not as brilliant as him. He could sympathise with that, Brainstorm supposed. It was hard to be as brilliant as he was. "So you're taking notes for him?" "Sort of for both of us, really. I'm looking for information about the current state of vaccinations for seals," Perceptor admitted on a sigh. "And diseases commonly transferred between humans and pinnipeds." "Sealpox," Brainstorm read upside down. "That sounds stupid. Sealpox." "Not stupider than 'cowpox,' surely," said Perceptor, humouring him. "Cowpox," Brainstorm repeated, in mixed delight and incredulity. "Cowpox!" He tasted the word. Ridiculous. He liked it. Absurdities pleased Brainstorm, sometimes. "So, what, you're trying to figure out if you can give me a rabies vaccine or something?" Perceptor followed Brainstorm's glance to his notes. "Ah. No. That was—in the 80s, a commercially

available

attenuated canine distemper vaccine was given to some species of seals and protected them from what we would now call phocine morbillivirus... rabies vaccination is only an example of a wide-ranging vaccination effort encompassing free-living animals in... well." He cleared his throat. "It's related. Tangentially." "Uh-huh. Sealpox, rabies... do you really think you're going to get an infected seal bite," Brainstorm said drily. "Assuming I am analogous to an actual seal in this situation, am I going to bite you? You'd have to ask me very nicely." Adorably, Perceptor went red—a warm flush across his nose and high on his cheekbones. "Well." He cleared his throat again. "That's... not really why I'm... that is..."

[torchickentacos]

Okay, pivoting now to talk about science literacy and the importance of science communicators. I'm struggling to write out my post- not because I don't have a lot to say (I DO), but rather because for every point I have, I have to take a step back and explain everything about that point in layman's terms (example below). It's getting to be overwhelming to explain everything, and it's likely overwhelming for people to take in. The TLDR of this post- without science communication, explanations just turn into this meme below and the average person isn't actually learning jackshit.

It turns into people throwing dense, scary words around and not actually communicating their point in ways that those unfamiliar with the topic can understand.

So! Example time. Here's the deal. I want to make a point of how complicated and intertwined chronic illness is- my example being how Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is so much more than the flexible joint/dislocation disorder. I want to get into how it affects everything from digestion to arterial rigidity (ehlers danlos and the circulatory system) or lack of rigidity on both fronts, and how it affects every single bodily function a person can have, or how EDS complications and symptoms can be mistaken for other syndromes like Raynaud's or arthritis and the dangers of misdiagnosis, and how one chronic illness is very rarely actually just one, because it's such an interconnected web of fuckery. My point is, this is way more than just "joints are fucked up and I can do some flexible pretzel shit" disorder, just as POTS is more than "I pass out and get dizzy when I stand up" disorder and how MCAS is more than "I get allergic reactions for no reason" disorder and I think you get the point.

But the issue I'm running into is this. Let's take my example of Ehlers Danlos and the circulatory system. If I want to get into things like how EDS can cause brain fog and orthostatic intolerance and lower PWV, then I need to explain all of those things as well. And that's just for the circulatory system. And even then, I'd want to get into how the circulatory system links with your other bodily systems and how a single bit of dysfunction at any level can become as systemic issue. If I want to explain EDS' effect on the entire body, then for each bodily system I have like eighteen things to explain, and at that point your audience is immensely stressed out trying to keep track or they've just stopped reading because it's too dense. I wouldn't be shocked if people stopped reading this right here! Even explaining how I can't explain it concisely is impossible to keep concise!

There's genuine art and skill to being able to communicate these topics in ways that are digestible without becoming overwhelming to the average person. I think it's something we see a lot with covid, for example- people struggle to comprehend the dangers of covid because there's a large communication gap between the virologists in the weeds of the research on it and the average person who took a test, got a positive, and went to work anyways. (There is separate discussion to be had for CDC recommendations or lack thereof [it's mostly just the center for disease these days, not much control going on] and workplace inflexibility with calling in sick, but that's another post and a whole-ass capitalism critique that I probably don't know enough about to be the one to make).

Back to the covid communication gap. Virologists can talk about wastewater surveillance trends, spike proteins, viral replication, newly developing strains, and preexisting conditions as they relate to risk factors until the audience's ears fall off. But it's hard to get your well-researched points to sink in when some people don't understand the fundamental differences between viruses and bacterial illnesses and how they replicate and spread. That baseline of understanding to build upon isn't always there, and it's really hard to build on a foundation of nothing. And unfortunately, misinformation tends to be far easier to comprehend and communicate than the lengthy stuff.

That leaves us with the communication gap and science communicators trying to fill it, and that's a really difficult job across the board. It speaks immensely to someone's skill to be able to take a complicated topic and simplify it to the point of comprehension without oversimplifying to where the main point isn't actually getting across. Maybe one day I'll figure out how to make my points above, but for now, just leaving you guys with this. No real conclusion, just... communication is really difficult, and anyone who does science communication is a really valuable and talented person.

Oh my god. Okay. Annoyed at society's limited perceptions of the reality of chronic illness, so if I decide to come back here in an hour or so with a full essay's worth of information including citations, then... I'll just see yall then lmao /lh

[hacked-by-jake]

It's me. :D

Trigger warning: Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (Borderline). Mention of toxic relationship. (?)

Hi, I'm hbj and I'm a Borderliner. :) (That sounds more special than it is😂)

I’m shaking a little bit and I’m a little excited to talk about it but I think it might be kind of cool and bring a little something. For whoever it is....

By the way, it probably contains a lot of mistakes. I apologize for that.

Okay, so I got this question from @sizz-rizz :

Well, I like the question, but I have to say at the beginning that the answer will probably be different than expected. And probably a little longer.

That’s why I don't want to answer this under your question, but in an extra post. This is really personal and I want to say something about myself. <3

For this question it is simply necessary to tell the truth and not simply to invent any lies. I could have said now that I had great experiences etc.

Since you asked about my expectations, it is a little hard to explain the whole thing so quickly because my views on the subject are completely different from the "normal" views.😅

And that for reasons that are not my intention. Besides, I think it might help me get rid of it.

I want to say a lot more, but I just forgot, so I’ll just start.

> This is probably all messed up and confused, but I don’t have a real structure for this. xD

I don’t know exactly how to start.

This shouldn't going to be a really big topic on my blog afterwards. 😅

.....

I have some serious difficulties with interpersonal relationships.

I’m just being honest now: I have the mental illness: Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. More commonly known as Borderline. (If you’ve never heard of it, do me a favor and please don’t google after it because you can’t include me in the "cliché" of a borderliner.😅) Just like many others don’t fit the cliché. As soon as you read about it on the Internet you get a completely wrong impression of the disease and for me there is nothing worse than that someone believes in it in connection with me. If you have actually questions, I will also give you an answer, but looking for it on the Internet is absolutely what I advise against.

>>>>

Well, in reality, my expectations of a relationship are really, unfortunately, "toxic".

(I’m actually not the type for a relationship in real life. I’m not the type (which is also due to the borderline)

And in addition, it can be quite difficult to find someone who can deal with this condition because I’m really not an easy person.

Well, my real expectations of a relationship are very special, I’m extremely afraid of really getting involved with people. My sense of shame is huge and I’m pretty much uncomfortable with everything I do, which also makes it difficult to have a relationship.

That’s probably why I write fan fiction because there I can choose how it should work for me. And the relationship I’m writing to Jake and MC has nothing to do with my real thoughts about it.

I write the fanfictions (like everyone else) so that it is the most beautiful or a beautiful idea. In fact, most of the time it would never work out that way, which is why I’m not really into real life relationships. 🤭

>

I had a friend, even for two years (at the time I had no idea I have borderline)

In any case, at the beginning this was rather such a complete love of youth. We also got together way too fast and he already told me after the first meeting that he loves me xD

Yeah, very good start, isn’t it?

In any case, we got together anyway. The start of the relationship was terrible and that should have made me think.

However, it became a real relationship, and the beginning was really nice.

I was young and in love, and I had a terrible sense of self-confidence, which is none at all, or not really.

In any case, as this happen, we are more and more welded together. He was morbidly jealous and I was jealous, and everything went on and many things happened.

At some point, we both have everything forbidden for each other and actually had only fights. Because of jealousy and such stuff.

Well, we did it for two years, and after that we weren’t together for two years, but it was still a sick one back and forth. I don’t want to mention too many details, but yes, that’s how it was.

And in fact, after I was completely broken, I broke off contact after four years, which was just the beginning of last year.

However, this relationship was completely toxic and unhealthy. He was toxic and I was toxic as well.

(Classic 'First Big Love' Movie Drama xD)

Okay, what I want to say about your question. Yeah, I’ve had a relationship before, but it wasn’t what a relationship was supposed to be.

What I’m saying is, be careful, love can be something beautiful but at the same time really "dangerous"

You are the most important people for yourself, and you should always make sure that you are well.

I know that it's easy to say but I think it’s really important to note that.

So, you see, the fanfictions have absolutely nothing to do with my reality. (At least according to my current experience)

Sure, sometimes we write angst/ creepy things or such stuff but that’s mostly just what we can/ could really wear ourselves. I think most fanfictions are (mostly) far from reality. Of course, it depends on the characters involved in the fanfictions, I hope you can understand what I’m trying to say.

My stories are mostly far from reality but still so that it could still be real. However, the goal is really to dive into another world and imagine what could happen.

I just struggle to find the right words because I am a little confused myself.

Of course, most of what is written is relatively unlikely but the idea it might be real, makes it beautiful. <3

--

I think I’ve actually said pretty much everything I can say about it (I probably forgot a lot but I’m a little nervous)

Well, I hope you liked the answer and I was able to answer it.

For everyone else: Yes, that’s a small impression of me. I think I should not be so shy about it and I myself make it a bigger topic than it actually is.

Okay, I'll finish this.

Much love to you all and feel hugged!❤️🥰🎭🌹