#a little something about me Tumblr posts
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Way past exhausted
Yeah I wish that I could get more sleep cuz I know that right now if I could just let me give myself a little bit it would probably would work some wonders but I don't think that you know for me just exactly how hard it is
I feel like I'm running on fumes most of the time just to keep this body, yeah just to keep on functioning
I'm kinda mad in a way that this is only vessel that I have and that I ever will and I have no spares for it so I can't just up and abandon it
I would probably would never be able to even keep it working without a schedule
Cuz if I had maybe just took a nap or ended up wanting to go to bed early I could miss the deadline to give it all the fluids, artificial foods and medicines that are now apart of my everyday regimen to make sure that I don't end up in even worse shape than this
And trust me I would protest but hey, god made the rules I didn't
So now all I have to do is just keep on figuring out how to live my life this way
So I'll stay up just to make sure that I take my heart medication just so I don't wake up a dehydrated tachycardic mess
And then maybe my nurse won't look at me so sad when she sees my bad vitals in the morning and then looks back at me to smile and say "don't worry it's okay, we'll just try again and hopefully it might be better the next day"
One thing that I hate most about having my chronic illness is that through every part of it I feel everything
Even right now and I know that I must also be a little extra tired and weak because I know that overnight that I didn't get to but I should've let my immune system do what every night it's supposed to do
I didn't get to give it the little extra rest that it really needs to keep on going like this and repair itself and keep me straight up so I can do the things I'm supposed to do
But it feels like I really have little choice cuz I feel way worse when I fall asleep a little bit earlier at the time when I'm actually feeling like I want to and then I'll have hours go by and I forget that I'm going without the stuff I'm supposed to take and then it makes all of my problems even worse
So yeah it gets kinda frustrating when it's like "damned if you do, damned if you don't"
I have alot of up and down, on and off days
I guess there's never gonna be this whole "normal functioning system" that's gonna completely perfect for me to hold my expectations to and it's kinda fucked that even probably if there is a way that I somehow do I can't really expect perfection when my body isn't even all working perfectly too
So I guess for now I might take the slight insomnia if it means that maybe for a few hours until I have to take all my things again I can pretend that I'm almost actually "normal" when I get to my baseline again before I get back to the same way I was that crushes all my hopes for that and makes me feel like I may break again
Or need to go to a hospital
But that's just how it goes health is a luxury and not everything is easy for everyone
It just sometimes seems like it is sometimes for the certain people who like to talk about things to you cuz they don't actually know what it's like to live life inside your body
Cuz it seems like people always forget to remember that experiences are different so don't expect everyone what's your face the same easiness or difficulty to live life the same way that you do
And I know that explain that to everyone isn't always easy cuz you can always make people listen and understand
But really all they need to know is we're both different you're not me and I'm not you
Cuz I really get that feeling like you're wasting your time getting tired trying to overexplain yourself about something sucks
You know I think that's why also I feel like sometimes I choose just not to talk to people about my moments when I'm in pain or when I feel like I might be suffering and I'll at times just stay silent but I also feel like I shouldn't have to though
It shouldn't have to matter what you're talking about, you talking about how you're feeling while you're going through what you're going through is valid
I feel just like that's how some of alot of us feel when we're going through these things and we don't feel like we're being heard or we're dismissed and I think that that's why by now I can see why the most of us right now just feel like we're way past exhausted
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my boyfriend everybody:
this is a printscreen from his computer, check his nickname up there and what he's watching 😂
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Henlo, it me °v°’
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she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.
my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.
my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.
my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.
at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.
my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.
i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.
two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.
it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.
#writeblr#wlw#i often think about like.....#being happy in a gay relationship is sometimes so odd#bc u can forget how stupid ppl are.#bc ur so USED to being gay. and u forget other people GENUINELY ARE homophobic#so it's like. girl pardon?????#but also there are moments where it's like. ohhh the kids are alright#like watching someone razz someone else.... so fucking wholesome#“lemme get this bitche's pronouns before i make gentle fun of them” .... i would have KILLED for that.#THAT is how u know ur accepted#not just tolerated#..... when ppl are like. sure ur nonbinary congrats but WHAT is this fucking sunscreen application#ps idk if "razz'' is a real word but someone asked what it means -#i've always heard it as being a term for 'gentle & friendly teasing'' which like#i personally notice more from my guy friends but is like - when a person isn't#LIKE ACTUALLY teasing u (it's nothing personal/mean) they're just laughing w/you about something#my friends often put on a little voice and call me an anemic little bitch#like 'ooooo the anemic little bitch is cold??? does she need a mouse blanket#bc she's SOOOO SMALL AND ANEMIC???''#and it doesn't hurt my feelings (it makes me laugh very hard) bc 1. i actually called MYSELF that first#and 2. i'm not sensitive about it!!!#a proper razz is when you are ALSO in on the joke - i ALSO think it's funny#for some people i personally find that when they razz u it's when they love u -#they've noticed something genuine about u and love u enough that u know they're not being mean#this is cultural and personality based of course but i'm hispanic#if someone isn't making fun of me it means they hate me . obviously.
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thanks for the light
I was just trying to figure out how procreate works but then the op brainworms got to me and 35 hours later here we are! can you tell I miss home-cooked meals :')
(no reposts; reblogs appreciated)
#my art#artists on tumblr#fanart#one piece#opla#zosan#blackleg sanji#op sanji#roronoa zoro#nami#usopp#monkey d. luffy#i was like wow procreate is so cool for letting me check time spent on each canvas...35 HRS and 22 MINUTES????#tbf it's spread out over 3 weeks BUT STILL#guys...the file name for this is nakama.png and im so emotional about it#something something comfort food and family and this is what love looks like and now im sobbing#im so predictable it's the found family that gets me every time#and the scene where they all announced their dreams with a foot on the barrel?? i swear i teared up a little#also this is lowkey the most complicated thing i've ever made im so proud#nothing but the best for these strawhats <3
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i keep seeing redesigns of them as humans so i decided to throw my hat into the ring
#ive seen that people get REALLY opinionated about this. so if you don't agree with me then just look for a different redesign#my little pony#mlp#mlp redesign#my little pony redesign#mlp humanized#mlp human designs#rarity#applejack#twilight sparkle#pinkie pie#fluttershy#rainbow dash#fanart#art#i also haven't watched the show in forever- so if something is characterized funny? then my bad
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can't believe that skeleman has turned on us, and Halloween Prom is tomorrow.
(what a top-tier UM...we are about to be just totally obliterated in the absolute silliest way. what possible use could this power have outside of bringing us to the brink of utter holiday disaster.)
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#lost in the book with nightmare before christmas#hajimari no halloween#unique magic posters#this was so unforseeable!#i hope malleus gets pumpkinified immediately and sebek has to carry him around on a little velvet cushion#i hope jade puts his plant knowledge to good use by being extremely judgy about the firmness of everyone's rind#i hope that everyone is still wearing their silly little hats as pumpkins#(i know they won't. but if we don't have hope we have nothing.)#and i'm still feeling like oogie's gotta show up later and menace jamil just by existing#perhaps we'll have to team up against him with the scullsman or something 👀#also just to get it out before being proven entirely wrong#my theory is still that he's from the past and we gotta teach him about the True Meaning of Halloween (aka candy and funtimes)#so he can go back to his own time and become the founder of modern-day candy and funtimes halloween or something#bootstrap paradox be damned#i could be entirely off-base but that's what i'm thinking right now#idk he just has the vibe of an old-timey boy to me#he's had the great misfortune of being born before there were hot topics where he could meet other jack skellington fanatics#too late for the black plague too early for the black parade 😔
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Dadstarion has me in a chokehold and the way you draw him being so GENTLE with Kit is so precious, I would die to see the transition from his new parent terror to how comfortable he eventually gets with him :O
of course he got there eventually <333
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#dadstarion#astarion#tav#tavstarion#the anons are FEEDING me rn#i think at first he was like 'i cannot even look at this thing or i will break it'#something about him with the teeny little bab just makes me melt inside#i see sad men and i need to put them in a sweater and give them a family
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i’m mad this is my most liked post right now so look at my cat instead lol
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People keep on asking for more Baby Robin and Papadile so here is more Baby Robin and Papadile. Now never ask anything from me ever again
#My art#One Piece#Long post#Sir Crocodile#Nico Robin#Alternatively panel 5 would've been a close up of Crocodile's face from Robin's POV where he looks like he's giving her a death glare#Not intentionally he's just a big scary bastard with a Resting Murder Face and Robin is a small traumatized child#But I wanted to focus on the silliness of the moment so you get the goofy version instead#IDK man there's just something very funny to me about the idea of Robin just randomly info-dumping about a subject she's read about#And Crocodile being like ''?????????????????????? The fuck you talking about??''#Robin leaves the ship's kitchen and Crocodile just stares at the tomato like ''...It's a fruit? Forreal?''#(Meanwhile Robin is sweating bullets like ''I called his favorite vegetable a FRUIT right in his FACE he's going to KILL ME'')#Robin grew extra feet from the bottom of her feet to reach the counter and that actually isn't me trying to explain bad art away#In the original Papadile comic there was a panel of Robin doing the dishes with extra feet to reach the sink but I cut it out#(It was a stress relief comic I did not feel like drawing a complicated background in detail) (BUT YES I THOUGHT OF IT)#Nico Robin Age 11 is *more* than capable of cooking Crocodile just does not trust her with his food. At least not yet#She did start doing the dishes unprompted and continues to do so (mostly out of fear). Croc told her she didn't have to but allows it#IDK a lot of people seem to headcanon Crocodile as incapable of cooking and like. Surely Mr ''I don't trust people'' knows how to cook#Like he doesn't have to be a master chef or anything but and maybe he enjoys not HAVING to cook (pain in the ass with one hand + knife/hook#But surely he can cook decent enough. SURELY#Botanists don't @ me I know the ''tomato is a fruit'' thing isn't fully accurate this is just a silly little haha comic
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learned something about myself lately
#i dont think its even the fact almost all my characters are somewhat beasts in one way or another. i just#really like tails and wish i had one myself#and then my oc designs are a little tame theyre mostly human shaped with animal features. but they always have tails#my eyes have recently been opened to the appeal of long whiplike unicorn tails.. so flowy and curly#something about the tuft at the end being long and swirly just does something for me..#maybe it would make sense to change auggies tail shape so it looks like a meteor. her design is mainly pink with hot pink accent#so it would be cool to use that and orange to make it look like a fire meteor.. maybe itll help complement the blue/green in her design#head full of ocs today so expect a ramble later#if i had a tail i think it would be long with a kink. so it kind of folds over once but not in a curl#when it wags its kind of a swaying motion. i have thought about this a normal amount#yapping
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I'm not Sad
I convinced myself that I really was happy for a while until I remembered that I wasn't
And everything that I thought were things that had brought me joy had also happened to be things that I could only find outside of myself and never inwards whether it would be something that was materialized as a thing, or a substance or even like certain people
The point that I realized everything was actually after everything felt like it had changed for me and I didn't have alot of those things around me anymore
And then the only thing left that I had to entertain me was something that I never learned yet to love
And I guess that that would be my own self and I had never tried to get to know it cuz from a young age I think that I just had an idea of it that just gave me alot of disdain and made me deem it as either unlikeable or boring
Also even looking at it now I feel like back then I could love almost every other thing and every other person but still I couldn't bring myself to really like myself
And I really wish that it wasn't like that cuz that's really unfortunate
I feel like with discovering that it was just like I had just taken off my rose colored glasses and along with everything else it had just melted away all of the happiness of whatever was left that I had remaining inside myself just by forcing me to take in the actual honest circumstances of my reality
So yeah, as it turns out I wasn't that happy after all
So I thought that "now what ?" what could that mean for me now ?
That I maybe this whole fucking I really was actually depressed ?
Yeah I swear if that wasn't so crystal clear to me now I'd probably be still denying it yeah almost just like back then when I did
Cuz I would always do that all the time but somehow in an ironic contradiction, I pretty much proved exactly that actually I was
Even though I had tried so hard to make it like so believable that I wasn't it and not just to other people but also to myself
I would just keep on saying that "I'm not sad", "I'm not sad" just over and over on repeat like that
But the fact is that really in like reality I couldn't ever cope without of all the little mechanisms that I had
All the shit that had temporarily filled the hole inside of my chest with drugs , someone to lie to me that they really love me or having somebody to always keep me company and all the things that I could buy with money and shit
Yeah and my fault was never I saw no problem with that I loved all that stuff
Cuz as long as I had those how I could I even possibly have time to think that without it if I was
It's like it was all a cover-up
Yeah it was all just a fucking cover-up
And I feel like I can see all that now to keep on filling myself up with stuff as a distraction to draw my attention from thinking of the fact that there's something I feel like I don't have
And I hate that it took such a sad thing like having all of that ripped from my hands just for a second to see that without them now what did I have ?
Myself ?
And I said "no fuck that"
Yeah cuz that never seems to be what anybody really wants so if course I thought then well then how could I myself ?
And I feel like that was the answer that had almost felt like it unmasked me
And I looked at myself in a mirror at a face that I just couldn't force to still try and emote happiness in that moment
I felt like "wow I really didn't know that I actually feel that way and think so low of myself"
Because I really believed that even if I lost everything then I still have nothing else afterwards even if I had included myself
And it was like now all the proof that I needed for that was right there
"You're not really happy at all with yourself, at least not as much as you might think and you always need someone or something else to help you forget it"
So I really think that then that was the moment that I had actually found out
That "wow holy shit oh I might actually really be sad"
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dont worry about it au kuafu and yi
#nine sols#mak's art#fan art#kuafyi#sun chasers#yi nine sols#nine sols kuafu#9s dont worry about it ending! au#nine sols shuanshuan#nine sols shennong#i actually like them mostly platonically theyre like besties but theres also a little definitely Something Going On there too. to me.#queerplatonic even if you will#i love kuafu so much i kiss him on the nose#kuafyi nation where you at#i saw a poll with kuafyi ship names and i know sunshot won but sun chasers is SO GOOD so im using that#THEY ARE BOTH CHASING SUNS ONE WILL TAKE DOWN HIS OWN AND THE OTHER WILL NEVER CATCH HIS BECAUSE OF THIS DO YOU SEE THE VISION
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"Good" Acting
i have a theory that a lot of people say acting is "good" when they're emotionally moved by it, and a lot of cishet white people have a lifelong habit of not listening or empathising when minoritised people speak, so minority actors get called "bad" even when they display some pretty fucking amazing technical skill
#also a lot of female actors don't get recognised despite being fucking GOOD#that's not to say minority actors can't always be bad#of course we can#I'm just saying#sometimes#for SOME shows in particular#ahem ahem#some actors might get very heavily criticised for reasons that have very little to do with their actual technical skill#and more to do with the politics of those criticising them#also I'm not talking about me here#before anyone says that#I'm talking about some actors I know who have recently been criticised in my opinion quite unfairly#despite doing something very difficult#like oooohhh i dunno#playing two roles in the same show?#and doing it very well#displaying some amazing technical mastery of body and voice technique#but hey what do I know#oh wait I went to drama school and I'm a professional actor lol I DO know#I'm just a woman so I have to couch my expertise in cutesy self-deprecation lest people think I'm a bitch
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this is just my opinion but i think any good media needs obsession behind it. it needs passion, the kind of passion that's no longer "gentle scented candle" and is now "oh shit the house caught on fire". it needs a creator that's biting the floorboards and gnawing the story off their skin. creators are supposed to be wild animals. they are supposed to want to tell a story with the ferocity of eating a good stone fruit while standing over the sink. the same protective, strange instinct as being 7 and making mud potions in pink teacups: you gotta get weird with it.
good media needs unhinged, googling-at-midnight kind of energy. it needs "what kind of seams are invented on this planet" energy and "im just gonna trust the audience to roll with me about this" energy. it needs one person (at least) screaming into the void with so much drive and energy that it forces the story to be real.
sometimes people are baffled when fanfic has some stunning jaw-dropping tattoo-it-on-you lines. and i'm like - well, i don't go here, but that makes sense to me. of fucking course people who have this amount of passion are going to create something good. they moved from a place of genuine love and enjoyment.
so yeah, duh! saturday cartoons have banger lines. random street art is sometimes the most precious heart-wrenching shit you've ever seen. someone singing on tiktok ends up creating your next favorite song. youtubers are giving us 5 hours of carefully researched content. all of this is the impossible equation to latestage capitalism. like, you can't force something to be good. AI cannot make it good. no amount of focus-group testing or market research. what makes a story worth listening to is that someone cares so much about telling it - through dance, art, music, whatever it takes - that they are just a little unhinged about it.
one time my friend told me he stayed up all night researching how many ways there are to peel an orange. he wrote me a poem that made me cry on public transportation. the love came through it like pith, you know? the words all came apart in my hands. it tasted like breakfast.
#warm up#writeblr#actually this is because again i don't go here#i don't read/write fanfic but i have nothing but respect for my troops#but i also have never played minecraft. im sorry. please ask me any question about pokemon tho i love that shit#anyway#out of some banal and thoughtless curiosity i watched the minecraft movie trailer#and again i know nothing about minecraft. i am aware im in an endangered population#but im watching this going: this is so fucking.... BAD#there is NO LOVE in it!#like if someone who has NO history in minecraft watches that and is like - ohhh this is soulless#WHO IS THE AUDIENCE????#ppl who love minecraft are gonna hate it!!!#at some point it's the ''mean girls musical movie'' problem --#some people will always hate the premise of what you're doing and some people will love it#make it for the ppl who love it#and usually that somewhat convinces the haters to like. chill enough to TRY it . bc it IS good#but when you try to make it for the haters..... nobody likes it. it doesn't have passion. energy. footwork#which is a small way of saying a big thing: if you love something. fucking make it and assume someone will love it too.#i love u . be brave . be bold. be in boston and come to my reading#where i wrote a really weird fucked up little book.#love u love u love u etc
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1.02 // 1.06 // 1.08 The Stranger vs. Sol on recognizing and differentiating Osha and Mae
#the acolyte#theacolyteedit#starwarsedit#osha x qimir#oshamir#osha aniseya#qimir the acolyte#sol the acolyte#star wars#mae aniseya#sometimes i make things#the acolyte dragging me back to fandom and gifmaking#i am not back on tumblr except i am just for this#i have a couple other gif ideas we'll see if i end up making them#there's something about sol's paternalistic attachment to osha leading him to tunnel vision when it comes to her#mae as an extension of osha#mae as the version that went wrong; corrupted;#whereas the stranger recognises and treats them as different people almost right away#and there is something so compelling to that#that even the person who claims to love you (and does love you in his own way) struggles to even recognise you#and will always see you as that little girl on brendok who needs saving#the stranger sees the parts of her that were unwanted; acknowledges her grief and anger and trauma#whereas the jedi and by extension sol saw that as a threat#ANYWAY im done i dont know anything about star wars except that i need this to be renewed asap
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