#i don't know this is stupid and depressing and will be deleted i just

[itsahotminuteinbetween]

'...you know jokes like those actually hurt me, right?'

"who said I was joking?"

.

.

.

'oh.'

[blackwaxidol]

mother asks her physiotherapist friend for an opinion on my knees, describes the nature of the injuries the lack of precedence et cetera, is told it seems systemic and that i should seek a doctor, then a blood test and then a rheumatologist. everyone has to have an opinion on everything, i want to be left alone in a comfortable hole.

[theood]

Lol

[ronniaugust]

How To Write Good Dialogue (Part 1)

I'm gonna start this by saying I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all. I am just tired of posts like these being absolutely fucking useless. I am aware this is basically me screaming into a void and I’m more than okay with that.

This guide is meant for intermediate screenwriters, but beginners are also absolutely welcome. :)

(about me)

-♠︎-♠︎-♠︎-♠︎-

I've noticed a rise in film students who want to make films that have no dialogue. Probably after your professor showed you Doodlebug, right? Fuck that.

I'll make another post about writing a short film, but all you need to know is: Don't waste the audience’s time. Most of these no-dialogue shorts have very little substance and take way too long to tell the shortest possible story. Not a good idea.

Useless Dialogue

Plain and simple, don't write useless dialogue. Useless dialogue is dialogue that just doesn't fucking matter. Dialogue matters by having ✨subtext.✨

What is subtext? Subtext is the meaning behind the action. That's it.

If I tell you that I love you and I got big doe eyes while I say it, it means I love you. If I tell you I love you through a clenched jaw without looking at you, I don't necessarily love you right now.

Simple, right? Great.

Now think about the subtext behind every line. Does your character mean what they're saying? Are they doing it to get what they want? What is going through their mind as they say it? As long as you know your character, you’ll have these answers ready to go. If you don’t, you’ll figure it out eventually. Just keep writing.

When you write your character walking into a Starbucks and saying, "One venti iced coffee," does that do something? Why do I need to see someone's boring Starbucks order? Do I need to know that your character's boring? Why are you writing a boring character? [Of course, in the rare situation where this is some revealing clue to the massive crime investigation, then it makes sense.]

Useless dialogue is any dialogue that has no meaning or purpose in your script. Delete and move on. You don't need to write entire conversations or scenes that bore us, just write what we care about.

I took a class once where my professor called a version of this "trimming the fat." Get us into your scene and out of your scene in as little time as it takes to have it achieve its full purpose in the script.

[P.S. You don’t “inject” subtext into your lines. Idk who started that vernacular in subtext teachings but I hate it.]

Show vs. Tell

I remember a glorious fight I got into with a Redditor last year about show vs. tell… TL;DR: Dialogue is “show” if you write it with intention and subtext. If someone says that dialogue is inherently “tell,” they’re wrong and can go fuck themselves.

Dialogue that is “tell” is expositional dialogue. But, hot take: Exposition isn't just in dialogue. It’s also those annoying clichés that make you roll your eyes in the theater (which we just call clichés and not exposition). I’m sure every professor I’ve had will disagree with this and then get me into a long conversation about it, but let’s ignore that for right now.

Have you ever seen a movie where a character rubs an old, worn-out photo of a young girl while looking depressed? That's exposition. That character has a dead daughter. No shit.

Clichés are incredibly annoying. We all know that. Assume that any cliché you see - in this context - is exposition and try your best not to write it. (Tropes are different and sometimes necessary, so I’m not talking about that.)

Point blank: When you have subtext in your lines, they are "show,” not “tell.”

Before moving on, I'll bring up that while technically the dead daughter photo is subtextual, it is as close to the character saying “My daughter is dead,” as you can get. Don't treat the audience like we're fucking stupid.

The First 15

If you don’t know what the Inciting Incident is, please look up “3 Act Structure” before reading this.

The first 15 pages of your script is the part that comes before the Inciting Incident. This is the part you want to get right because, although people probably won’t leave the theater, they will absolutely find something else on the streaming service they’re using. The people making said movie will also just toss your script in the trash before it’s even produced, so it's best to get it right.

Dialogue in the first 15 generally follows the same rules, but carries a heftier additional rule. All dialogue in the first 15 minutes must, must, must tell us something about your character.

Remember when I talked about that boring Starbucks order? Why is your character boring? Don’t write that. Don’t write nice characters. Or pleasant characters. Or friendly characters. No one cares.

You want empathy. This does not mean “relatable.” It means “empathetic.” There is a difference.

I personally relate to Vi in Arcane, but I empathize with Theo in Children of Men. Both are excellent, but one personally resonates a bit more with me. You cannot write a character that deeply resonates with every single person, it is impossible.

With each line of dialogue, you must be saying something about your character that generates the empathy. Instead of telling you how to do this, I’ll direct you to a movie that will do better than an explanation: Casablanca.

Watch how Rick interacts with the world. What kind of man is Rick? Watch what he does, what he says, and how he treats people and himself. Watch that empty glass on the table. Watch his contradictions. Everything. Those things matter and it’s what makes you want to watch Rick for the entire duration of Casablanca.

“Realism”

This is maybe more directorial, but make your characters human enough, not too human.

Too human is when you’ve tried your best to capture all those little life-like speech patterns. You know, the ones that no one fucking cares about.

If your character coughs, they’re sick. If they clear they’re throat, they’re uncomfortable. If a bruise isn’t going away, they’re going to die. Simple.

Every moment on screen matters. Everything the audience sees is meant to lead them to a conclusion. Not the conclusion, just a conclusion.

The realism you want is in the choices your character makes, not how many times they say “Uh,” in a sentence.

Conclusion

Dialogue matters and should not be treated lightly or without care. Once you have this all engrained in your mind, dialogue should become effortless.

If you want an excellent way to think about this, Robert McKee's Story has an excellent chapter that helped clarify this all for me. Here's an excerpt and the context.

Warning, spoilers for Chinatown.

"If I were Gittes at this moment, what would I do?"

Letting your imagination roam, the answer comes:

"Rehearse. I always rehearse in my head before taking on life's big confrontations."

Now work deeper into Gittes's emotions and psyche:

Hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel, thoughts racing: "She killed him, then used me. She lied to me, came on to me. Man, I fell for her. My guts are in a knot, but I'll be cool. I'll stroll to the door, step in and accuse her. She lies. I send for the cops. She plays innocent, a few tears. But I stay ice cold, show her Mulwray's glasses, then lay out how she did it, step by step, as if I was there. She con-fesses. I turn her over to Escobar; I'm off the hook."

EXT. BUNGALOW-SANTA MONICA

Gittes' car speeds into the driveway.

You continue working from inside Gittes' pov, thinking:

"I'll be cool, I'll be cool ..." Suddenly, with the sight of her house, an image of Evelyn flashes in your imagination. A rush of anger. A gap cracks open between your cool resolve and your fury.

The Buick SCREECHES to a halt. Gittes jumps out.

"To hell with her!"

Gittes SLAMS the car door and bolts up the steps.

Story by Robert McKee, pg 156

The context of this page is McKee's way of explaining how to write characters. I found it very helpful.

-♠︎-♠︎-♠︎-♠︎-

Thanks for reading! I probably forgot something, so I made this a “part 1.”

I hope this helps someone since I’m really tired of finding short films on YouTube that are all fucking silent. The few who have done it well have been copied to death, so please write some dialogue. I promise you it’s so much better if you do.

Asks are open! :)

[velvetvexations]

Really love how every time I argue with people on here about how actually trans men do not generally have it meaningfully better than trans women, people avoid actually explaining their points or providing sources and start calling me a little boy. Very fun. Love that. It's so fun to be insulted for asking asking people to explain their point

No one can actually explain that.

rhea ripley is so hot. and for what

for me to be all Weird Trans Woman about her

Honestly as an non binary person, I feel more and more pushed out of the community with the serious adherence to the binary. "if you Id as this you MUST be this thing, you're you're a liar and a faker and you're hurting other trans people" that, and the denial of trans men's oppression. It's just cruel and bitter, and seeing other trans people go down this path is pretty disheartening

it's so depressing

Well, you see, it's not like saying they're transitioning from black to white, because OBVIOUSLY, just like race, your soulgender is immediately apparent to everyone as soon as you plop out the womb

lmao so true

(also I've heard soulgender is a Black thing and it should be spelled with like, a space or a hyphen? so I'm probably gonna do that from now on)

"Trans men are the White People of the trans community" Oh okay so yeah this is just "Ace people are the White People of the Queer Community" all over again huh Begging other whities to stop comparing race and gender like this, makes you look stupid as fuck

pls

Fascinated to know if the "All trans women are nonbinary" crowd also believe all trans men are nonbinary

you'd think so the way they insist trans men cling to being AFAB lmao

Went to check /-/'s blog and she's reblogging pro Chat-GPT and anti-copyright posts now

I'm tapping the sign.

as a nonbinary thing i feel like so much tma/tme shit just completely fucking forgets us like im not „occasionally mistaken as a trans woman” its a fucking coin flip!!!!!!!! my „AGAB” doesbt matter 2 ppl outside the the internet!!!!! all that matters is no matter what i wear no one wants me i their bathroom!!!!!

people don't even just hate you for when they mistake you for a trans woman anon they hate non-binary people AFAB too

i kinda feel like the discourse is becoming more mainstream now. im seeing a lot of trans bloggers who dont post much about trans issues making posts about it (usually along the lines of "can we be normal about trans guys please" which is nice)

good maybe the backlash will finally kick in

Idk if this is me generalizing but I’ve started noticing that headcanons of canonically male characters as trans women that get traction are usually skinny and have trauma or coded with anxiety or depression. Like idk if that means literally anything but just a weird observation I had

a lotta people on here literally define being a woman as when bad things happen to you lmao

I was looking at the Patricia Taxxon stuff (funny enough, did actually see you @ ed in deleted replies) and I saw the sentence “However, being discriminated on the basis of being perceived as a manly woman is just an adverse effect of transmisogyny directed towards trans men.” Which. Hey now. What about butch women. Like how does that not uniquely apply to cis butch lesbians, even if we ignore trans men entirely.

MAINSTREAM SOCIETY LOVES TOMBOYS

Man. It really sucks when a popular-ish figure you look up to turns out to be transandrophobic. Should have seen it coming ig. She was intersexist too, and those often go hand in hand.

well I mean it sounds like you shouldn't have looked up to her already lmao

IIRC from old drama, Patricia Taxxon also thinks toxic masculinity isn't a real thing that can harm men because it's just splash damage from misogyny and they should get over it, lol, so I'm not surprised if she's turned out to be weird about trans men

lmao literally just that radfem-libfem feminism-is-for-women comic huh

Tragic: local man forced to actually read Serano's writing for the theory he's trying to make even though the way she talks about transmasculinity and female gender nonconformity gives him a headache

F

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[storyofmychoices]

Sticks & Stones...

I'm sure we've all heard the phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". Little kids learn it to counteract mean words said at playtime. It seems logical, physical harm should hurt more than words, but I think we all know from experience, that's just not true.

I didn't want to address this. I learned years ago in this fandom that if you address drama or anons it never ends well. However, I feel like this has to be said not necessarily for me, but maybe for younger me who wasn't as strong.

I received an anon that told me to kill myself because they didn't like a fic I wrote (I guess). I deleted the message because it's not worth my time. But those words are so hurtful. I thought back to younger me. Middle school me. High school me. Even early college me... I don't think that version of me would be strong enough to delete that message.

That version of me would hold onto it, perseverate on it, and those words would swirl in my mind and the anxiety and depression would tell me that's what people think. That's what you should do. I know logically that's stupid and it's an anon, delete and move on. But mentally, I wasn't strong enough...

I know that version of me is not alone. I know there are people in this fandom who struggle daily with their mental health. I know how hard it is for them. I can't imagine one of them getting a message like that.

Using language that promotes harm, like telling someone to "kill yourself," is harmful in so many ways. Whether you actually mean it and think that person should die, or you think it's just a phrase you say when you're angry, bored, or wanting to start drama, it's not okay. I'd love to say choose kindness and don't send any hate but I know that's not the world we live in.

However phrases like "kill yourself" are beyond the line. You cannot predict the mental state of the person you're sending it to. How would you actually feel if that person went through with it? What if their death is on your hands? Would you be okay with that? Would you be okay if the police came to your door and said you led to that person's death? (Don't think that happens? It does, the state police and FBI do investigate digital threats. I know because I work with kids who make and receive threats and have had to deal with the FBI investigating them... and anon doesn't matter the FBI will track the IP address). I don't want that for anyone here. So please, choose your words wisely.

If you are in a bad place and lashing out is all you have, come talk to me or someone else in this fandom. I know that it is hurt people that hurt other people. I know if you are sending words like that you've been hurt. Let's break the cycle together!

This post is not targeted toward any one person. Yes, it was motivated by the anon I got, but I really hope that anyone who has ever used that phrase might read this and take it to heart.

Please choose kindness or nothing at all. Our fandom is small enough. I don't want to see other people leave because they feel pushed out or leave because they did something they can't take back.

Oh, and to anyone who has received harmful words like that. You are not alone. You can come to me or others to talk. Please don't believe those words. You are stronger and better than that!

I'm not sure how to end this so, here is a cute picture:

[ninjablisss]

MHA Characters as Text Messages I've Received From My Friends

𝐶𝑙𝑎𝑠𝑠 1𝑎:

Denki Kaminari: But then quickly delete your search history because that's embarrassing

Ejiro Kirishima: I KNEW IT(no I didn't. It was an uneducated guess)

Fumikage Tokoyami: My bird

Izuku Midoriya: Maybe how it did in my ugly ass Roblox drawing from elementary school

Katsuki Bakugo: Bye the friend sounds evil even though they were probably 10

Koji Koda: Why did you send me the official Lion King Trailer?

Kyoka Jiro: Someone on discord head cannoned me as bi once and it was so weird

Mashirao Ojiro: They're both cutie patootie blondes

Mezou Shoji: Just as long as it doesn't look furry or animal like

Mina Ashido: Dang on my tombstone I would just want something stupid like "it's kinda dark down here"

Minoru Mineta: I wish I could still grow taller😭

Momo Yaoyorozu: Depressed, really attached, charismatic, INTELLIGENT (bc she knows so many languages and random stuff), amiable

Ochaco Uraraka: You're not a mean person I swear by that

Rikidou Satou: I am gender glutton

Sero: Ofc another Armin Kurapika lookalike

Shoto Todoroki: His dad is a huge prick

Tenya Iida: not yet I have been too focused on schoolwork

Toru Hagakure: I don't know enough about your parents to really have an opinion

Tsuyu Asui: Better not be an anthropomorphic animal.

Yuga Aoyama: Oh I know he's a blond!

𝘗𝘳𝘰 𝘏𝘦𝘳𝘰𝘦𝘴:

All Might: First of all the meme yes. I mean what can I say I love hot middle-aged dilf men 🥴🥵🤪🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤

Endeavor: What the heck kind of parenting is that?

Hawks: Do you know about the joke and memes about the duolingo bird holding people's families hostage and stiff

Midnight: Because. I too am a bottom!

Mirko: Women? Mommy dom women.

Mount Lady: true, true I would have a whole army of boyfriends my own personal gang of men

Present Mic: Blue eyes? Tall? Maybe longish hair?

Shouta Aizawa: Does he even have eyes??? Jk I don't what know what I'm saying

𝘝𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴

Dabi: Shops at hot topic might be one of the worst reasons to excuse his actions I fear ☹️

Himiko Toga: Was it a love triangle

Overhaul: Ah a dilf

Shuichi Iguchi: LOL MIKE WAZOWSKI??

Tomura Shigaraki: Dude the world would end if I took over tho, like I would be like kill them all but my friends and their families, and my family, and probably a couple celebrities like Danny DeVito, keanu reeves, Ryan Reynolds and tom hiddleston. but other people would be doomed

Twice: Probably just cloning

𝘖𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴:

Eri: I see a animal or wholesome child they will be adopted

Mei Hatsume: Dang I had a dream where I was pretty much on what i could only describe as chaos out of context

Neito Monoma: ah yes how could I forget the psychopathic sentient dorito

[ikamigami]

Okay I have to admit that I worded things in the Earth's disabilty post rudely.. like too harsh and I'm sorry for this..

I shouldn't talk about representation cause if it works for some people then it's okay..

Though I don't think that fans should be angry that people want Earth to get help and get better cause like no one who is disabled would want to stay disabled if there was something that could be done for their disabilty..

I'll delete that second part of post about Earth's disabilty because it was really rude to VAs though I don't know who writes laes now..

I'm sure that how they made Earth disabled wasn't meant to be offensive or anything..

Though like I said this plot is a bit extreme cause now people really aren't that forgiving to Lunar even though he unlike Moon or Eclipse almost immediately tries to work on himself..

And like I can't exactly compare Lunar to Moon and Eclipse even if he has similarities to them because he wasn't an asshole to Earth like Moon was to Sun and Eclipse was to Lunar..

Like Lunar was supportive towards Earth when she needed that..

Like I get it that he wasn't actually using her help but even if he pushed Earth's help away like Moon used to do to Sun he wasn't aggressive about it and he didn't yell at her how she was supposed to help him..

Lunar wasn't calling Earth stupid or anything..

He just didn't like that she was friends with Eclipse..

And he's allowed to feel betrayed by her just as much she is..

But he loves and cares about Earth so he'll do anything to improve himself and he's really trying..

Like it's really sad and a bit upsetting to see comments like "Lunar is irredeemable"..

How? How Lunar is irredeemable while Eclipse couldn't care less to put some effort into being better for most of the time..

Like it's also sad to me how fans bash on Lunar not getting help from Earth when he probably didn't even realize that he's very depressed.. and in fact no one realized that..

Ironically the only one who said that there's something wrong with Lunar was Nexus at family therapy session..

And also Nexus was the one who was concerned about Sun's mental state but that's beside the point here though it's interesting that he's the one who was noticing those things..

And tbh what if Earth really dismissed too many things?

I hope that Earth will do something that is considered bad because she's the only one who didn't do anything like that.. and someone could say that it's not a bad thing..

And it's true but at the same time she can do something reckless or bad on accident or like maybe because she thought that she's doing the right thing?

But why I want this? Because to me Earth still seems to think that everything has to be perfect.. that she has to be perfect..

Cause she said that she's doing the right thing in this family and helps everyone but it's not true..

I hope that we'll explore more of this Earth's flaw and learn that it's because of her upbringing because it would make total sense..

I'm sorry once again for being rude towards VAs about Earth's disabilty..

I shouldn't direct my upsets at them when I'm actually upset at fans because of how they're towards different opinions from what majority thinks..

It's okay to not agree with majority of fans..

I'm sorry once again.. I should wait for when my anger will pass before I wrote anything..

I really should work more on that because I end up being rude even if I really don't want to..

[osamusriceballs]

Birthday surprise

Hinata x fem reader

Words: ~ 1,3 k

Warnings: A bit NSFW

About: You have a nice birthday surprise for your boyfie~

A/n: Happy Birthday to our beloved human tangerine. I love him so much and I wish him the bestest birthday ever~

"Shoyo, what are you doing there? You need to get ready."

"Oh, sorry, I'm coming. I was just checking my phone. I got a message from y/n."

Hinata freezes.

A state that is almost unnatural for him. It is indeed a message from you - or rather a picture. With you in it. Barely clothed, wearing only white underwear and orange stockings - as bright as his hair. No words added, just you laying there seductively on his bed in lingerie, presenting your body to the camera in a way that makes all his blood rush south.

Holy... he instantly darkens the screen, quickly looking over his shoulder to see if someone looked at his phone. And indeed, he faces an equally stunned Atsumu, whose eyes are still fixated on Hinata's darkened screen. A few seconds pass and neither of them moves. The only sounds right now come from their teammates who have already started their training. Until Hinata's screen gives up and turns fully black.

"Uhm..." Atsumu awkwardly coughs and looks away, a faint tint of pink on his cheeks. "I guess you're going to have a fun birthday night, Shoyo-kun."

It's impossible for Hinata's face to turn even redder at this point. Even his ears are burning, and he laughs awkwardly to mask his inner panic. "What makes you think that?"

Atsumu's face drops, and Hinata internally wishes to sink into the ground for saying something as stupid as that. Why did he focus more on this instead of just changing the topic? "Do you really want me to say it out loud?" A slight grin now forms on Atsumu's face, and Hinata regrets speaking even more. Damn, he regrets ever learning how to speak at all.

"Please don't-"

"Don't sweat it, Shoyo-kun. I'd be happy to have a girl like y/n send pictures like that. Do you think I'll ever find someone who wears hot stuff in my hair color? Maybe I should go back to black. I like that whole black and lacy stuff, but then I'd look like that ugly shithead Samu. Or red. Red's hot too. I don't know if I'd look good in red. What do you mean, Shoyo-kun?"

While Atsumu is busy rambling, Hinata quickly takes his phone and buries it in his bag. He'll take the time to look at the picture during their break. Probably take his phone with him to the restroom to have a proper look. But even the short glimpse he just had is enough to get him riled up and longing for you. Longing to touch you, to feel the soft fabric and your even softer skin under his fingers. He wants to properly thank you for wearing this set just for him and to hear you softly say his name after he kisses you. He knows he won't be able to focus now because of you.

"Shoyo? Are you listening?" The sudden snarl of the blonde in front of him makes him perk up his head, his cheeks still incredibly warm and red.

"Oh, sure, Miya-san. Red is a nice color."

Atsumu blankly stares at him, and Hinata wonders how long he zoned out. He only faintly remembers Atsumu talking about hair colors. "Yer hopeless."

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Don't. And don't ya dare to let my good sets go to waste today. I'll make ya regret it, Shoyo-kun."

Hinata nervously smiles and quickly jogs to the court, ignoring Atsumu right behind him and hoping that he'll forget what he saw. After all, that picture was only meant for his eyes and his eyes alone.

_____________

"Baby, I'm so sorry."

"What happened? Are you okay?"

The stress in Hinata's voice is evident. You don't know if you have ever heard him so depressed before.

"The picture you sent me," he starts, and the blood drains from your face. Your fingers clutch around the phone in your hand tightly, and you involuntarily press the device harder against your ear.

"Did you not like it? I'm sorry, I'll just delete it. We can pretend it never happened. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." You nervously fidget with the hem of the straps, mentally burning the damn lingerie in a bonfire.

"What? No, no! Don't delete that picture. I've been hard ever since I saw it. I love it."

Your cheeks warm at his sudden confession and the way he casually tells you something explicit. He probably doesn't even realize how hot he sounds.

"It's just... when I opened it, Miya-san was right behind me. He saw it too. I'm so sorry. I know that you trust me, and I don't want to break your trust. Can you forgive me? I would never show these kinds of pictures to my friends. Please believe me!"

It takes you a few seconds to fully understand what he's telling you.

"Baby? Are you still here? Please say something. I didn't- please-"

"Shoyo, it's fine. It's okay. I still trust you. I should have told you that you need to look at the picture in private. I don't mind." You smile at his concern, at the way he's always trying to make everything right, to be the perfect boyfriend. But that sometimes puts a lot of stress on him.

"You know that I love you, right? That won't change a thing. And I'm pretty sure that Miya-san will never mention it, especially not in front of me. Deep down, he's actually very considerate and nice, even though he doesn't often show that side."

The exhale of relief on the other side makes you smile a little, and you're glad that he feels better now.

"I love you too, y/n. Thank you. Thank you for being so patient and understanding with me."

"Hey, it's your birthday after all. I can't be mad at my birthday boy. And, um... I've got some more pictures if you want to see them? I even made a short video of me... um... doing things." You feverishly blush at the end of your words, now clutching the sheets underneath your hand while you wait for his answer.

Hinata's tone is more dark and serious when he answers, and damn, it's always so hot to hear him talk like this. "What kind of things? I think I need to know before you send something. You have to be very specific."

Your breath hitches in your throat, and a slight shiver runs down your body. "I... touched myself. I thought about how you'd do it and touched my breasts, and then rubbed my... clit." You're proud of how steady these words come from you, and he releases a deep breath before he answers.

"Oh? What a good girl you are for me. How about you send me those pictures and videos, and I'll send you some in return? Show you what you do to me. And when I'm home, I want you to show me everything you did again. I need to see if you're properly touching yourself for me when I'm not there. Understand, baby?"

You only manage to nod breathlessly, a soft hum escaping your lips at his words, and the tingling feeling between your legs starts to make your mind dizzy.

"Shoyo, when will you come home? I need you." You can basically hear how he runs his hand through his wild orange hair in frustration because he can't be with you right now.

"Just two more hours. Can you manage, baby? Can you prep yourself for me? And when I come home, I'll get my present, nice and wet for me?"

You nod your head and quickly gasp a "yes-" already anticipating the moment he will come home.

"Such a good girl for me. Such a good girl on my birthday. I have to go, but make sure to send me those pictures, okay? I'll see you soon."

"Okay, Shoyo. I love you."

"I love you more." You quickly select the pictures in your camera roll and press send, only to receive an immediate response consisting of three pictures showing the rock-hard bulge underneath his tight boxers while he has his shirt between his teeth to expose his chest. A quick message follows that almost makes you drop the phone.

"Can't wait to see you, baby."

[scummy-writes]

Scum my dear!!!! If you get around to it, could I request ❝ i hate them. i hate them, with their voice, and their perfect hair, and their deep eyes, and … ❞ Part of me was like. What if it's MC ranting to their bestie Arthur about Theo bc I'm so normal about this idea DYIu'^#yd>^$utsu

Alternatively just Arthur. But somewhere in that realm.

💕💕💕💕💕

(this was for an ask meme I did a few months ago, I just randomly got the urge to write for it since I didn't delete!)

Clinking glasses and lively conversation bustled behind you and Arthur as the two of you sat at the counter, drinks in hand. While the atmosphere around you bubbled with fun, there was a wave of depression surrounding you, and Arthur tapped his fingers rhythmically against the counter. Debating internally.

Should he cut this get together short? Drinking together was usually fun, and god knows he sometimes needed the liquid courage to get things off his chest, but you moped with the glass of alcohol cupped in your hands, pouting at it.

He let out a sigh, resigned.

"Dove-"

"I just don't know what to do, Arthur! He's drving me crazy."

He watched you put your forehead on the table, nodding wryly to himself. It was one of those nights, where you cursed existance for birthing his partner in crime: Theo.

Ever since you had came to the mansion, it was as if sparks shot off between you and the art dealer any time the two of you were in the same room. Any remark he gave, you shot back with twice the snark, often leading to bickering.

Arthur had thought something else was going on, though, with how the fights had simmered down. Though, he should offer an ear to you like you had for him many a time. He settled in his seat, preparing for the usual lamenting.

"How so, luv?"

"Just- everything! God, he's been dragging me around while he meets with clients, and while we're with them he's fine! But the moment we're alone, he just..." You sighed, waving your hand dismissively, "you know how he is."

"Mhm."

"Why can't he just be like he is during those meetings? He's actually nice then, you know. And he gets this spark in his eye when they discuss the paintings in question, especially if it's one of the artists he personally knows..." Your fingers weaved through your hair, another hefty sigh escaping you.

Could Arthur blame you? The man was always rough around the edges, but spotting this side of Theo usually changed many opinions. That, and when he had too much to drink- but you haven't been lucky enough to catch that yet.

With a huff, you slouched against the counter.

"I hate him. I hate him, with his stupid low voice, and his perfect hair, and those pretty ocean eyes, and that damned handsome smile..."

It was as if the whole tavern stopped- Arthur tuned out the background noise to replay what you had just said in his head again, trying to make sure he heard just right. But he needn't go through the trouble, not with how your face changed into hues of embarrasment the longer he stayed silent, your own words hitting you in realization.

"Come again?"

"N-No, I don't think I should- I mean-! Oh god, Arthur, please don't tell him-"

"After how you told daddy dearest about my last exploit in the mansion? I hate to say it, luv, but karma may be catching up to you-"

"Arthur!!!"

I think he is all talk with this HAHA I don't think he'll tell Theo, not when he knows you'll let it slip yourself. But he'll def tease you while you're all three in the same room, just so you fluster even more around him.

thank u for the ask ally! I am surprised I randomly wrote this, I hope you have a fun laugh with it.

[iwannadrawsadcups]

this blog makes me feel so weird, on one hand i am so nostalgic, i somehow miss being 16 and depressed, i miss old tumblr, i miss a very active fandom, on the other hand i am just glad i dont have to feel this sad every day anymore. Am i doing better, or is life just easier now? if i went back to high school right now, would i be the same crybaby i used to be?

it also makes me feel sad! i deleted every single one of my posts from the start of 2020 (and 2019? i think). I had so many comics lost to time because i was ashamed of wanting to make my own ask blog! and yes, they were cringe and stupid and everything, but they were sincere art i will never get back! now that I'm older, an ADULT, it makes me so so so sad to know that i will never get that art back, those pieces of childhood that felt so stupid but were actually just my real feelings.

I dont remember any of my old drawings anymore. What was this askblog originally about before i turned it into a vent account?

Every day, i forget more and more of my childhood, I'm losing so much, and that breaks my heart. This blog is a small reminder of my thoughts, of how clueless and sometimes mean i used to be, i don't wanna watch, but i don't want to lose it either. I dont wanna think about it, but im so scared that if i don't, i will lose even more of myself (am i losing myself, or am i just maturing?)

so sad! but in a new way!! in a grown up way!!!

[munchmemes]

HARI KONDABOLU: WARN YOUR RELATIVES

because i was a fool and deleted the original post + updated a bit

❛ how is 800 not significant? ❜ ❛ you have to weave through a capitalist obstacle course. ❜ ❛ hey, [NAME], why did you miss your flight? ❜ ❛ i just bought a 40 pound Toblerone for no reason. ❜ ❛ hey, you look nervous. why do you look so nervous? ❜ ❛ how do little bottles keep us safer? ❜ ❛ what i think is happening is that the government is in cahoots with the little bottle people. ❜ ❛ then you walk through another machine that swipes right to left like this and steals your thoughts. ❜ ❛ it’s a little suspicious. it’s a little SUSPICIOUS! ❜ ❛ yes, pay respect to your silent masters. ❜ ❛ what does that tell you!? what does that tell you!? ❜ ❛ that tells me you're on the internet too much. ❜ ❛ this is a depression beard. i’m depressed right now. ❜ ❛ i'm depressed right now. i am just a threat to myself. you have nothing to worry about. ❜ ❛ but if you’re there, then who’s - ❜ ❛ if you're the expert on being harassed, it's time you do the harassing, right? ❜ ❛ who brought the asshole with the microphone? ❜ ❛ why [is he] yelling so much? ❜ ❛ it was a delightful diminishment of my life's work. ❜ ❛ you need to keep it simple. elementary, my dear watson. elementary. ❜ ❛ look at you! look at what you look like! ❜ ❛ i look like a Muppet getting a PhD. ❜ ❛ i'm talking really loudly 'cause i want everyone to hear. ❜ ❛ Kid Rock, right? ❜ ❛ and also: WHAT THE FUCK? ❜ ❛ Kid Rock? you confused me with Kid Rock? ❜ ❛ maybe [they] saw the K and the I and ignored all the other letters. which is weird because that's not how reading works. ❜ ❛ that's the saddest shit in the world! ❜ ❛ but [they] felt bad. and i felt better so it was a win-win situation. ❜ ❛ well, you could’ve fooled me. ❜ ❛ i clearly fooled you! you were fooled! ❜ ❛ i don’t know what the fuck that means! ❜ ❛ i don’t know why you do this to us! ❜ ❛ well, now i know how to end the show, great. ❜ ❛ fucking snowflake. ❜ ❛ you don’t know me! i was an athlete! yes, chess is a sport! ❜ ❛ i’ve never heard of that technology. ❜ ❛ why are you blatantly lying to us? ❜ ❛ i figured it out. what they are doing is using the philosophy which is held within the song "it wasn't me" by Shaggy. ❜ ❛ things are so bad. they’re just really fucking awful. ❜ ❛ everything feels like the end of a Kurt Vonnegut novel. ❜ ❛ it's not good. it's just better than nothing, right? ❜ ❛ health insurance might as well be run by casinos at this point. ❜ ❛ it goes through the system, gets negotiated back and forth and you end up with far less than you want. ❜ ❛ what do we have now? like, echinacea, prayer and a hug. and [they're} trying to take the hug away. ❜ ❛ no, i don't know what those words mean. but i saw Rocky IV. ❜ ❛ my proposal wasn't about a redistribution of wealth. my healthcare proposal was about a redistribution of organs. ❜ ❛ after rich people die - i mean, after we kill them -  ❜ ❛ we kill these rich people and we take the organs from them. ❜ ❛ and we'd feast. we’d eat a little meal i call justice. ❜ ❛ now, you might be thinking 'well, [NAME], that sounds so unreasonable.' yes! it is! ❜

❛ i can’t believe [they] won though. i mean, seriously?! ❜ ❛ i don't wanna put my values on you but i was always told not to do that. honestly, i wasn't even told. i just kind of knew. ❜ ❛ i love my mom, man. my mom is my favourite person. ❜ ❛ my mom is the reason why i’m funny. ❜ ❛ my dad is the reason i have anxiety. ❜ ❛ half of your genes were an obstacle to overcome. ❜ ❛ don’t have children. only stupid people have children. ❜ ❛ my mom was Grindr before there was Grindr. ❜ ❛ ultimately, that’s what this is about. change hearts and minds. ❜ ❛ homosexuality is not an open rebellion against God. do you know what an open rebellion against God is? NASA. ❜ ❛ not now, [NAME]! ❜ ❛ that joke was about divinity! about identity! it was about the nature of power! ❜ ❛ so, i was licking this girl’s asshole … ❜ ❛ man, i fucking hate firefighters. ❜ ❛ who hates firefighters? what are you, the fucking Human Torch? ❜ ❛ what is this, the 1980s? or the Midwest now? ❜ ❛ it’s too spicy. what is it? ❜ ❛ it’s water. ❜ ❛ it’s a lemon. ❜ ❛ can i put ketchup on it? i wanna put ketchup. i wanna put ketchup on everything! ❜ ❛ that is the glorious taste of something. you’re tasting something. ❜ ❛ the story is, the mango was very juicy. that's the whole story. ❜ ❛ can you tell me the mango story again? ❜ ❛ it’s because that mango is that GOOD! ❜ ❛ it’s a good mango. ❜ ❛ i fucking love mangoes!! ❜ ❛ i would start a mango podcast if i could. ❜ ❛ this is why you need to cut your high school friends from Facebook. ❜ ❛ why does the devil need an advocate? he's the devil! why does the prince of darkness need your help exactly? ❜ ❛ that’s interesting. have you thought about selling your soul to the devil? ❜ ❛ you know, if you'd like to live forever, you could sell your soul to the devil. ❜ ❛ that’s all the devil wants! ❜ ❛ and i said 'yes' even though i had no idea what this meant. ❜ ❛ oh, shit! acting! ❜ ❛ oh, shit! he’s pretending this is real or something. ❜ ❛ this shit is wild. ❜ ❛ and then … HE PUNCHED ME IN THE CHEST. ❜ ❛ this is acting? i hate acting. ❜ ❛ oh, it’s okay. i have that joke. ❜ ❛ if you think i’m talking about you, then yes, i’m definitely talking about you, yes. ❜ ❛ we're gonna snapchat the revolution. ❜ ❛ you can't ask me where i'm from and not know geography. ❜ ❛ where's your white guilt? ❜ ❛ i'm not looking for a lot of white guilt, just enough where you apologize even if you don't mean it. ❜ ❛ i was vexed. i was fuming. i had had it up to here. ❜ ❛ there's no time for symbolism! ❜ ❛ what’s the deal with that old dude? ❜

[roguesnezblog]

Trigger warning - Vent stuff (Suicide, bullying etc.) I am not feeling great. And I'm going to censor everything below if you don't want to read. But this post I wanted to make, one, for my own benefit. mentally, but I also feel like people who are in the same position as me could use an understanding ear. So...

Feeling real horrible. Like I shouldn't exist. To put it bluntly. Making the rounds of depression again. I want to type this out here and will most likely delete this later because being vunerable on the internet is not exactly, sometimes, met with anything good.

I won't go into detail on as to why either, since opening up about things you've done is usually weaponized online too. But lets say this: I have been made to feel, in some online spaces, that, My existance and presense should be eradicated.

I have been treated this way by these people for years. Over 5 years now. I had been bullied, and called horrible things, been witch hunted all the works that online crap can bring. And most people are in agreement, I should get over it by now. Who scares if a few people don't like you, don't want you around them? They have a right to believe that, and it's not like I didn't deserve it.

And I suppose in truth a part of me agrees. I dont expect approval, nor do I expect to be liked, a part of me rationally knows this. Not everyone online is going to be on a sympathetic understanding side of things.

But another part of me creeps back. You see, during this time, when people turned on me violently, for mistakes I've made and regret, I got low. Real low. Suicide low. I figured I was diplorable. Unforgivable. Disgusting. I felt like I should be punished. I did. Yanno. Self harm. A lot.

I figured the world would be better. Easier, if I wasn't in it. They made me believe this.

But I was always in conflict with reality. You see online isn't really half of my life. I have good parents, not perfect, but good. And a family who cares about me, and deep down, I knew if I was gone, if anyone, they would suffer for it.

So ...Suicide wasn't really an option. Not properly.

I had no choice but to endure lots of inflammatory comments, being excluded, distanced, the community (not this one) I wanted to feel a part of, and enjoy a love of drawing was...cruel.

I could rant more about what they did. How much they alienated and hurted me, broke down my character and warped me into this...percieved monster. But theres no point. And yanno I don't want to get into details like I said.

But a part of me still thinks that Im not a victim here. That I deserve it.

It's the rest that feels inconsolable. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel like thats the only option for me. To be erased. And think how much easier it would be for everyone else that I didn't exist.

But I want to be a kind person. I don't want to make people uncomfortable with my presense, or existance.

I shouldn't spare mercy to people who don't care. I know...But it's hard not to think when for your entire life you've been messed up.

Im pretty sure being some kinda autistic or at least neurodivergant doesn't help...(I haven't got diagnosed yet. Being a part of british NHS sucks. It would take me 5 years to get someone to see me. So they told me, and I'm considering private, but that costs 2,000 pounds and...Im scared honestly)

Anyway.

This feeling is often met with apathy, or "just don't think about it" by friends and family, who know somewhat about all this.

But it's hard.

It's heavy.

I just wish forgiveness could be an option. The mistakes I made, I learned from, and have never done again. But it's not enough.

It feels like this unending maw, gaping and cavernous. Swallowing me whole until it leaves nothing but that mistake left. They make it me. It's all I am. My identity. I am a literal monster to them. Something to fear like a boogeyman.

Not a dumb young adult who had no idea what they were doing.

I am nearly 30 now. I regret being stupid. Not knowing things, being ignorant and not just....being more calm at the time, but when people jump on you, you panic.

I have dug this hole. I know that... but it feels like I was forced to.

And the prolonged suffering, it's just....

I was happy for a time. You know? The fear and guilt lifted about a year ago for a while. When I found people who appriecate me, who care and want me around in that community, My confidence for a while was up. And I felt like I COULD exist. Live again, and be in spaces without feeling like I was a leech. I was happy and even talked to people in calls. I didn't have nightmares and I didn't feel like I needed to quit my freelance work.

There was...a couple of incidents, where I let my confidence blind me, approached people who haven't forgiven me, and told me to fuck off.

Which I did, to be fair...like I say: I don't have to be friends with everyone.

But...recently, the community pool has gotten thin. Drama happened (not to do with me, thank fuck, I couldn't deal with that stress I feel terrible for the people who have to endure it.) and spaces that were safe have been deleted. And the people who scorn me are now making a new space for them to pool into.

I've been excluded from that space.

That doesn't bother me, I have friends who will remain by my side. And this kinda happens everyone 6 months or so that people move spaces. But-

It's gut wrenching, to feel safe and forgiven. And then to be reminded that no, infact; You can't escape.

My friends will stay in spaces I feel safe in. And I know really- I'm not gonna loose much. But to be reminded that your existance would rather be purged? It's...not a fun feeling. Not to feel especially due to the struggles I've been facing and facing hard these past few months.

I suppose by writing all this, and saying all this, I just can't help but wonder in this mind space...Is it me? My fault? My brain is the one doing this...I am jumping from: Oh people I don't even like don't want me around? Better go die.

I made the mistake in the end....And this is my punishment. My torment for making a mistake.

It's ridiculous really...I shouldn't be feeling this way. But yet I am....I feel hopeless, empty. Sullen. Like theres no point, like all I feel and have been doing to grow, and move on....it doesn't matter. Because nothing changes.

I'm not sure exactly why Im writing this, or why Im even sharing these feelings, perhaps I just want people to talk to. Much as I love my friends, they get uncomfy talking like this... They can be dismissive and they don't really want to find a solution or confront it. I am just told to "forget it" and such. As I said before. But it doesn't help you know?

Putting this out there, it may make it worse...Which honestly; I fear. People online can look at something like this and use it to try make you worse, or kill yourself. Like....some people really just...get a kick out of making you feel like crap.

Im sure this is a sentiment that a lot of people, a lot of you, understand. It's cruel. Bullying and....I wish it would go away, not just for me, but for all of us....But I also hope a part of this can....maybe help someone?

That...something like this, isn't unusual....(unfortunately) and that some of you out there have been through the same thing...or are currently going through the same thing. And if thats the case...As someone who is feeling it at the current moment I want to say this to you:

You matter. You deserve to exist. You CAN live. And ...so long as you learn from your mistakes...That doesn't make you an evil, or even just a bad, person. You're a good person. You're a good person if you want to be better.

And....for you. I will keep this in mind for myself too. I fucked up. Maybe you did too...But we can be fuck ups together.

--------------------------------------------------------

I am not ok, but I think I will be. Admittedly, I could just not post this, but I think theres some value somewhere in this rant. I think it should be heard by some.

[g1r-ap0ca1yps3]

Intro to my account!

Hi I'm Conan i often go by the nickname Cade though I wont use tumbler a lot and if you want to get in contact with me your best bet is my Pinterest which I'll link at the end but yeah i guess I'll say some things about myself

I'm a transgender boy i use the term demi boy more as a side label since I also identify with xenogenders but mostly just a boy lol i use he/it pronouns along with all neos and yeah thats it for my gender i think

Okay i use a lot of stuff for my sexuality but basically I'm aroace oriented and omni romantic + i use biromantic as a umbrella term. I'm ambiamorous which means I'm open to polyamory and monoamory relationships. i use a lot of labels so if you wanna see them all check out my pronouns page I'll link it at the end

Next i guess I'll talk about my mental health lmao so basically i have depression and unspecified anxiety disorder professionally diagnosed also professionally diagnosed ODC and dyslexia and Dysgraphia so if theres any spelling or grammar mistakes in this please be patient

I'm trying to be scene and emo but i listen to a lot of different music genres my favorite are scene, scenecore, hyper pop, pov: Indie, scenemo and emo. I'm alternative kinda scene kinda scenecore kinda emo just a blend lolz.

I'm a huge anime fan i love things like ouran host club, banna fish, SK8 the infinity, Bungo stray dogs, ohshi no ko, the stranger my the shore, toilet bound hanako kun, demon slayer, yuri on ice, sasaki to Miyano and a lot more i also read manga when i can find it online for free cuz I'm broke asf

I'm a minor so any donation requests will be ignored as i cannot donate and i also don't want to repost something if i don't know if it's legit so i apologize but i will just delete those dms and comments i do hope if your in actual need of help you can raise the money but at this moment i am not able to help and am not able to confirm your legitimacy

I see people putting a dni list so I'll make one too ig? If your Racist, homophobic, transphobic, ablist, xenophobic, extremely judgemental, say things like "OMG I'M SO AUTISTIC/ADHD/ECT" and you don't have that thing, really anything toxic in General your a dni. A few more things that aren't necessarily a dni but kinda are? If you hate on furries, therians, otherkin, alterhumans, ect. I'm not any of those but in my opinion it's just stupid, annoying, and petty to hear people hate on them when what they do literally doesn't affect you whatsoever so yeah a dni but if your neutral to them then not a dni

!Important! Even though I've put my sexualities and wanting a QPR I'm not open to online dating and never will be!

Yeah i think thats it I'll put the links to some of my platforms I'll update this whenever things change also keep in mind my TikTok is not my personal account it’s my online one

[sharkiiv]

mental update/trauma dump

You can totally scroll past this post i just need to get it out 😭

tw: mentions of suicide, self harm, drugs, medical hospitalization, etc.

ok so this is really weird to talk about actually and I don't really know how to talk about this. Guess i just needed to get it out. So I have been clean for about 10 months now!!! Holy shit I hadn't realized I just did the math 😭 anyways I missed Halloween last year because I was in the hospital since some of my stupid organs weren't working properly. But I was so upset about it. And when the nurses were checking my arm health, some of my sh scars were visible and she just said "arm health good" and I was like ayyyy that's what's up. But what I forgot was I still had some cuts on my legs that I had totally forgotten about. She didn't check them thank God because my parents didn't know about them. When I got home that night I had to take a shower cuz yucky and my arms weren't working so I had my mom help but I had to be so careful to not let her see the cuts. Anyways the last day I was in the hospital was the last day I had talked to my therapist since she was leaving company she worked for to be independent. She said she was going to reschedule with me later. My mom had sent so many emails only to get "no reply". My therapist recently started seeing my sister instead because of some issues. When I asked her about it she said that she had been trying to contact me for months. My mom lied (surprise surprise).

But schools been really tough recently and I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts again and I don't know where to go since I don't have a therapist anymore. My mom was going through my stuff to clean up and I didn't really care cuz yk wtv. But she found some pills that I had in one of my jewelry boxes in case I needed to yk... but the thing was I had totally forgotten about them. She just goes "oh! I'll take those. I want them." I was like okay? I don't want them. I forgot they were there anyways. But now I'm kinda like damn. I know that I need to stay strong bc I'm still trying to deal with my ed and friend problems but I just don't know If I can anymore. It's getting really hard. I bought some sensory necklaces off of Amazon to help with my sensory and those are helping but it's just not enough. I just feel so awful all the time. It might be depression? I dunno. I'm trying not to distance myself but it's so easy to just doom scroll all day and do nothing. Getting up early for school when I can't even think is so rough. I didn't even plan on living this long so i have no idea what the hell im doing. I want to talk to someone but I also know that I can ramble and rant for hours and I don't want to do that to my friends. It's hard enough for them already and that would just be cruel of me. My friends can't fix my problems. I just don't know what to do. I see my friends doing better, yk the ones that have really had it rough and i feel great for them. But I also see some friends doing worse and I'm just like, yeah. I get you. I dunno I might be yapping but my stupid brain thinks that sometimes my friends don't really like me. Like if I were to kill myself that I'd turn into one of those jokes like " you should commit [my name]!" Or "i hope you end up like [my name]" because that would fucking suck. Kids are so mean.

I dunno what to do man. I might delete this or smt.