#i don't know how to make them care
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i feel like i'm going crazy because my friends literally don't fucking care like at all. i was speaking to one of them today and when i was done she was just like "yeah it's horrible. anyway!" like bitch tf do you mean anyway??? fucking do something???? if you can see that it's horrible fucking do something, anything at all!!! but she won't because she doesn't fucking care. and another friend, who i also haven't heard a goddamn peep out of, but i know has been watching my many many stories on what's going on in palestine and the MANY protests and events here just posted pics of her like. chilling having fun at a cute wee coffee shop less than 10 minutes away from where the march was. she was right there and she didn't go because she wanted coffee. because that is what's important to her and i'm a shit person for thinking that's disgusting. how can you be so detached and deluded? it's not because they don't know what's happening i'm TELLING them what's happening they're actively choosing not to get involved and not to care, because it doesn't personally impact them enough
#i know i KNOW they aren't the real enemy here but i am so fucking disgusted#by them and everyone like them#how DARE they#how DARE they do fucking NOTHING and then still sit around all preachy and superior whenever i get “emotional”#i confronted the 2nd one abt it and her response was literally “darling calm down” and then tried to hold my hand#and pull me off to talk about like. anime#fuck off fuck OFF#how can they brush all this away with a wave of a hand#likhow do you swipe past a video of a gazan woman at a protest talking about 23 members of her immediate family are dead and begging#the world to listen and the people to speak up#and them be like damn :/ doesn't affect me though!#you know what i should post about! coffee!#i don't know how to make them care#i feel crazy because im not even asking them to like go shouting in the streets or do anything difficult. just do SOMETHING#so many posts about coffee not one about palestine#the moral integrety of a dead rat
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Chara knows something that we don't, methinks...
BONUS COMIC
FIRST - PREVIOUS - NEXT
MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)
#undertale#deltarune#utdr#crossover#crossover comic#undertale fanart#deltarune fanart#twin runes#twin runes comic#twin runes au#my art#chara#susie deltarune#ralsei#yeah the mirror aesthetic wasn't JUST for show#I knew from the start I wanted to incorproate a maze into this dark world as a way to split up characters#and make them confront their internalized issues#it's traumatizing#but also healing in a way#buuuuuuuut we don't know how kris and frisk have been dealing with this#they might have a lot of baggage to take care of....
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while teen while goblin while aroace while injured while doing your best
#fantasy high junior year#fhjy#riz gukgak#figueroth faeth#sklonda gukgak#dimension 20#this. mmmmhhh this is so. I did Not know how to draw this really.#I am very normal about riz (<- lying)#it's a brennan-dm d20 campaign the bad guy is always capitalism (I am saying this with clenched teeth)#riz out of all of them being aroace fucks with me SO bad. bc its also established that elmsville specifically and probably the#majority of solace is not. made for goblins. and that becomes sklonda being worked to the bone and pok dying on the job#and riz spending all his time trying to keep his friends together. maybe to the point of it being injurous#like. do u get what I mean. its an economy of time it takes your time it eats up your time#not just the gukgaks but everyone you have to spend time to get to live and you don't have a lot of time left in a day#and you have to spend it carefully. you have to prioritize#you're somewhere without an established community and companionship is bought with your time spent working#this place doesn't take care of you. at the end of the day who do you have who'd prioritize you. do you understand me#the evolved aroace loathing where if your friends and family are granted more time nobody would have to choose. we live in a society#holds ur hand we live in a society. idk if Im making any sense#anyway . uhhh riz is my favourite that's my statement thank you for listening. au revoir
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Perceptive kid, I wonder just how much they pretend not to overhear.
#ignooore that a5 bonnie doesnt get the nice resolved versions of their discussions with sif.. i still think they can navigate it eventually#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#in stars and time fanart#isat fanart#isat loop#isat bonnie#lucabyteart#the dialogue in this kicked my asssss. trying to balance loop's evasiveness and layered meaning...#to spell it out: it's not that loop is actually *that* worried they'll hurt bonnie. it's that they think siffrin is being a fucking idiot#and being extremely sloppy in their protection of their party by trusting them to not be a loose cannon. THEY simply wouldn't#be that irresponsible if it were them!!! hmph!!! ... because they care. and because they maybe Are a little worried.#they don't want that responsibility. they gave that all up. stop making them responsible again. stop stop stop#and as for the other half of the meaning here: get called out idiot. not on purpose of course. bonnie doesn't know (yet).#but it's a brisk reminder of the hypocrisy (since even if loop makes sly reference to their identity to sif all the time... one must wonder#how often it actually sinks in that that's true....? it must be hard to get your head around when you refuse to admit that your habits and#demeanor have changed so drastically since then. like wtf thats not what i would do! clearly a different guy ! faker !! and yet...)#but yeah idk i think about loop and bonnie's relationship a lot. the one party member i dont think loop could ever bring themselves to be#mean to. because cmon. thats a kid. but still... the emotional distance probably stings even worse than usual.#and once bonnie finds out.... ! well. that emotional distance probably stings. even worse. than usual.
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Eloise Bridgerton being an absolute mood:
and Cressida's reaction of 'this girl is so weird, but I'm into it??? Wait am I into this??'':
#i was so sad that no one had made gifs of this moment#that i simply made one myself#i just love this almost smile cressida has here#like she can't believe eloise would just say and do this sort of thing#which kind of also adds to what she says in a later episode about eloise being courageous#she means this; eloise just being unapologetically herself without caring about whats appropriate#something cressida doesn't have the freedom to do (because she lacks the family support eloise has) but probably wishes she could#i love finding these little moments bc you can interpret so much from them even though they're only seconds long#yes i am autistic why do you ask?#eloise bridgerton#cressida cowper#creloise#bridgerton#bridgerton s3#bridgerton 3x02#gifs#my gifs#(also i don't know how to gif i did my best with what gimp can do)#bc id rather die than using something adobe makes
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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that ivan loves till is the most obvious thing about them
but. does ivan know that…?
the ivan that regards his own feelings as shallow, the ivan that learned how emotions are expressed only from copying others… does he even know that the love he’s felt for so long is love? probably not. and part of the reason is the one he loves himself
because the easiest example he has of love is till's feelings to mizi. till outright calls it love, and ivan watches him so much he has to be aware of this and till’s love to mizi is totally unselfish, right. he doesn’t seem to actually want much from her—just that she's still there and still "mizi"
but ivan can't be satisfied with just watching he… wants. ivan wants till’s attention, till’s affection—
surely this selfish wanting can’t be love
...no wonder he was never able to express his feelings straightforwardly when he belittles them so much but he can’t stand not having anything either, so he does… whatever he does instead to get any scraps of attention he can, from someone he's convinced doesn't care about him at all only showing affection when till can't see it, right until he knows he's going to die
but ivan's feelings for till are all he still has of himself... to think of them as shallow...
I've seen this translated as "I should've been kinder" to him (till) or to her (sua)
but really, the one he should've been kinder to was himself
#alien stage#alnst#alnst ivan#ivantill#i have a lot of thoughts on till -> mizi too but this is long enough#just attempting to rewrite my twt rambles more coherently#idk why i wrote this so dramatically tho...#'thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions' is going to haunt me to my grave#ivan's character is just a careful balance between his natural freak nature and his extreme depths of self-loathing#making him the most miserable guy ever#...really once you realize so much of what went wrong is thanks to ivan just hating himself too much to even think of them as friends. well#c...can we bring him back... don't die like this.....#(also you know. with the implications of how 'pets' are treated#wanting someone physically must feel... even more wrong
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If somebody in your life offers to knit or crochet or, really, create anything for you, please be an active participant in the creation of the piece they are making. I adore making and gifting things, but nothing bums me out quicker than a person who passively just goes "okay," to my ideas about what I'm making them - it can send the message that they won't like it, or that they don't care, even if they're happy about my offering. The back-and-forth feedback is a great way to make sure that you are being gifted something that was truly worth the time, effort, expertise, and money that will inevitably go into the gift!
I know it's really hard to be an active participant, believe me, I'm an anxious ball of horror, but it will only do good for both parties to interact in this situation. It is a big deal to be offered a hand-crafted gift, but it's also something we want you to love and use, and that can only happen if you tell us what would make you fall in love with what we create.
#advice#relationships#art#fiber art#knitting#crochet#i always try to remember that some people's responses to something big is to clam up and become more passive...#..i just want to remind you that you aren't in danger of Ruining Everything by suggesting things or asking questions or saying what YOU wan#like i asked my dad specifically how he would feel if i made him items SPECIFICALLY so i could gauge if he would like them for instance#i don't just want to create something i want the recipient to actually LIKE it#which is why i typically (not always) ask how somebody would feel about me giving them a specific gift#i know some people genuinely don't care in the sense that they would appreciate ANYTHING but sometimes that doesn't always translate i gues#im crocheting a set of coasters for my dad and i really hope hell truly like them because i'm not sure based on how he responded to my ideas#it makes me so happy to gift things but it's with the caveat that the recipient will think it is An Amazing Gift That Is SO Good And Useful
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7x10 // How Mac Got Fat
↳ Charlie & Dennis + getting high together
#iasip#it's always sunny in philadelphia#dennis reynolds#charlie kelly#charden#dennis looks....... positively lovestruck#ada's gifs#ada speaks#the continuity errors between shots in these scenes is so funny to me but i only noticed bc ive spent two hours on this gifset#anyway. in my expert opinion#this is far from the first time den's come to charlie like this#i can see this happening frequently in high school especially considering their drug of choice here is inhalants#x2 when know how charlie's relationship with them was in hs#the fact that dennis leaves his room to 'be alone' and then goes to paddy's to get high with charlie#to me indicates he doesn't *want* to be alone with his thoughts like this#when he's already overthinking and self conscious#i think contrasting this scene w mac & dee barging into his room earlier is interesting#because while mac & dee reacted with immediate disgust and asked what the fuck happened to his face#charlie's just like why is your face shiny. then repeatedly makes it clear he doesnt care about anything beyond the basics#ok cool. chemical peel caused it. no i don't want to hear why you decided to get one.#and honestly i think dennis was counting on that reaction. charlie doesn't give a shit. he's down to hang out and he doesn't ask questions.#they both want an immediate out from the pressure they both feel and most definitely do Not want to talk about it <3#stuff it down with some.......... turpentine
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can i just say. and this is probably a niche hill to die on. that i am so gobsmacked every time someone vaguely hints at the idea that jotaro doesn't care meaningfully for the other crusaders, usually particularly kakyoin and joseph, when those two actually tend to be the ones he reacts to being hurt the hardest
like he cares for his loved ones!!!! that literally plays into his character motives in every single part he shows up in!!! stop lying to me!!!!!!!
#me.txt#jjba#i'm going to ramble in tags actually. excuse me#ok. rereading sdc and so confused at the general perception of jotaro and his friends/family. he's not NEARLY as flat or as dickish#i understand that the anime (particularly the dub) tends to slander him but even then he still clearly cares for them! i'm confused#i also understand that a lot of people dig against jotaro and kakyoin as a dynamic because 'they're popular' and that generally disliking#popular things across media is a thing that i've seen consistently everywhere but the discredit to them simply as a DUO and not even as a#pairing is so..... odd..... like they're considered to be a duo that clicks for a reason. i enjoyed them even before i got into the fandom#every time i see someone say jotaro is overrated/dull i take a shot and assume they're an anime-only or only read the manga like once btw#joseph and jotaro also have a neat dynamic and they obviously both love and care for each other. like they're not going to go around loudly#or anything but literally the entirety of the lovers and the prelude to the dio fight IS jotaro being worked up over joseph getting hurt#equally i don't know if it translates to the anime as much but joseph is VERY complimentary when it comes to jotaro. like he sings his#praises so often and reminds everyone that he's his grandson so frequently (d'arby the gamer is a good example of this). either way it's so#peculiar....... there's not enough avdol and jotaro content btw (also in canon) because jotaro obviously looks up to him and avdol jokes#around with him on the occasion they interact after their intro which doesn't start very well. it's very cute#i do think an important thing to note about jotaro's character is how he acts AFTER his intro because he's so drastically different. early#jotaro and later jotaro aren't the same character and i do not mean this in a character development way. excluding the jail incident he's#completely different and probably shouldn't really be taken into account (especially considering the amount of slapstick in araki's intros)#and i think that's really???? what people center on for his character? Which sucks balls bad!#anyways. i could ramble more about this if asked i have so much to say but sigh. jotaro cares so much for his friends and family he's not a#flat fully cold asshole character regardless of whether you watch the anime or ova or read the manga. you just have poor media literacy#i wouldn't recommend watching solely the anime for his character though. the dub also changes a lot so it's... questionable#i love the anime and it's still important for him though. also adds neat stuff. i need to stop myself. i have many thoughts on the matter#jotaro kujo#joseph joestar#noriaki kakyoin#adding in case anyone sees: i am not saying that he is perfect about this. in fact he is very ass about it with jolyne and holly and that's#very important. he also is in fact an asshole sometimes. NOT as much as you guys are making him though!#please don't get me started on how much of a dick etc people make kakyoin to veer away from the 'woobified' characterizations of him#in fact i think that's bad if not worse because it CLAIMS to be in character. hes a prim asshole at times but not that angry or dishevelled
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help a palestinian doctor evacuate his three family members in gaza
vetted by operation olive branch (line 85)
$25,830 raised of $50,000 as of november 5
since this fundraiser has started back in early 2024, we've only managed to help fund the escape of dr moath and his mother, basma. three family members remain in gaza including moath's father and his two younger brothers.
please help his family. this fundraiser has been stagnating badly and i'm incredibly worried for yusuf, ahmed, and their father. we need less than $5000 in order to evacuate one of them. if you have any money to spare please please please contribute to this campaign.
#i don't know how to appeal to you i dont know how to 'market' these peoples lives to make you care.#all i can think about is the family having to choose who gets to evacuate and who has to stay behind and hopefully survive because their#fundraiser isn't gaining enough funds to evacuate them all at once#i can't imagine the amount of pain that causes. i can't imagine how terrifying it must be#to lose contact like that with your family in these circumstances. especially when one of them is 56 (moath's father)
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evilution
#zeno's art#ocs#reassassination#dr rigor krankenstein#octavia krankenstein#i still need to go back and change all the tags ughhhhh#anyway just drawing them standing there for the 18 billionth time#iwant to fully understand their (specifcally krank's) designs#of course octavia is perfect and only recieved tiny changes#meanwhile with krank im trying to make him look a LOT more dishevelled#his old design didn't have much personality#but i tried to give more of a “don't care” feeling to his apperance (oversized coat + baggy pants + stupid slippers)#to show that he only cares about his work and his own appearance is unimportant#its also an irony because (mini spoiler) he cared a lot about his appearance in the past lol#i wont go into detail on that ;-)#well anyway he has a funky new hairstyle now#the top half of him is basically final. im just wrangling the outfit now#also i do not know how tall he should actually be#octavia is like 5 foot 6 and krank was originally 6 foot 3 but i want him to be kind of awkwardly tall#not like 7 foot tall just tall to the point where he towers over nearly everyone#kind of adds to his hunchbacked awkwardness#ah well anyway pleasepleasplease let me know what you GENUINELY think of the designs i want to hear HATE and CRITIQUE
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Okay, my brain refuses to think about anything other than Murderbot, so I looked at every use of the word "friend[s]" in TMBD and... created some pie charts. Normal human activities.
Some Thoughts™ I had while putting this together (under the cut):
In All Systems Red, Murderbot notes that the PresAux crew are all close friends (twice! and goes on to explain their internal relationships which I think is very cute). This is pretty much the only use of 'friends' in ASR, except for when Murderbot says that SecUnits can't be friends with each other.
It seems that this may be one of the first times Murderbot has ever really been around a group of friends before? Murderbot notes that this is not the norm for its contracts and admits that the fact that they are all friends and the way they interact with each other make it actually enjoy that contract (before!!!! the hostile attack, so it already enjoys this contract before they start seeing it as a person etc ghghhhh). [Inference: Friendship seems enjoyable.]
The first character that calls Murderbot its friend is ART in Artificial Condition. Murderbot immediately refutes this (and then goes on to call ART its friend to its clients for the rest of the book). [Inference: Maybe ART is Murderbot's friend. And maybe that is... agreeable]
Rogue Protocol has more than twice as many instances of the word 'friend' as any of the other novellas. Why? Miki. Friendship and its implications for non-humans are a central theme because Miki is friends with everyone. Murderbot initially scoffs at the notion that Miki and Miki's humans are friends. At the end of the book, after witnessing how desperately Don Abene tried to stop Miki from trying to save them, and her grief after its death, Murderbot has to admit that she had in fact been Miki's friend. [Inference: Humans can be friends with bots and can sincerely care about them]
In Exit Strategy, Murderbot tentatively uses the word "friends" for its humans for the first time (several times actually). It questions whether it can actually call them its friends or not and later realizes that it had been afraid what admitting that the humans are its friends would do to it. At the end of the book, Mensah tells Murderbot the PresAux crew are its friends, which is the first time a human has directly said that to it (at least on-page). [Inference: Humans can and want to be Murderbot's friends]
In Network Effect, Murderbot seems to be more habituated to the word 'friend', confidently calling ART and Ratthi its friends, like it is no longer just trying the concept on unsure if it fits. There are many instances in which other characters refer to MB as ART's friend or the other way around and Murderbot's humans refer to Murderbot as their friend several times. Generally, there seems to be less hesitancy, because yes, all of them are Murderbot's friends, why wouldn't they be. [Inference: SecUnits can have friends. This SecUnit has friends. They care about it a lot.]
Conclusion: The Murderbot Diaries tell the story of a construct that does not seem to consider the possibility of friendship for itself and is fine with that - until it accidentally starts caring a little too much and suddenly more and more people annex it as a friend (ew) to the point where it can no longer deny that this is happening and has to begrudgingly admit that yes, it has friends now and maybe that is actually not a bad thing.
#the murderbot diaries#murderbot#𓄿#hi i'm READY to write a thesis about murderbot i am having way too much fun with this#i created a pretty excel spreadsheet and everything#i don't know why i did this but now i can look at them while i think about this more! so i figured i'd share them haha#i didn't count uses of 'friendly' but special shoutout to when MB is all alone in its cold cubicle missing 20% of its body mass#and starts putting on a show because 'the friendly noise would keep it company' 😭😭#i feel sick thinking about murderbot all alone on its own not knowing what its like to have friends watching media for 'the friendly noise'#also YES okay i wanted to make a point about miki there but i just#couldn't bring myself to talk about that more so... yeah#also uhhh this data is very subjective#i didn't count particularly ironic uses of 'friend' and generally did not count every instance of friend and sometimes it was a hard call#also i probably shouldn't have counted the times murderbot refered to drones or secsystems as its friends (often after hacking them)#but murderbot does seem to care about them and shows kindness and respect and sometimes points out that a system is friendly#so while i don't think MB means “friend” in the same way referring to them as when it refers to ART for instance#i still think its CUTE and also kinda funny how many times that happened so i decided to keep those!!!#but yeah take my data with a grain of salt lol
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What kind of Introvert is Kinich do you think?
The introvert that is shy of People or "eww people?" 🤔
HMMM I don't believe he is shy, but it doesn't mean he dislikes people
It is kind of canon that he felt sometime alone, because he had no friends 😭 i think it is more "huh. People can't deal with me. Welp... that's how it is" his straightforwardness, rational thought and impassive face clearly doesn't help him. He talks only when he thinks it is necessary ??
#reply#i enjoy analyze character's behaviour and I believe his lack of expressing emotion is due to trauma#also responsibilites at young age too#doesn't mean he is a monster. he actually does care abt people and have strong sense of justice and morals#everything comes with a prize is what makes him rational#and... rational and straightforward person tend to not have a lot of friends lol (alhaitham)#(but alhaitham actually is a “ewww people” kind of introvert)#but because pf their authentic personnality- their friends are genuine friends#and... Kinich is truly reliable everyone know that#reliable and efficient#his love language is act of service but don't ask for paying#being Mualani's team leader instead of her when she asked ; purchasing Kachina's bully ; waking them up if they wake up late#making drink for traveler in teapot voiceline and explaining to them how he does his drink#or asking if traveler okay and if he wants help#love him 🤒🤒🤒🤒
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Say thank you to @doodlesdreaming for giving me this silly idea 🤣
You can listen the original version of this meme
youtube
or the Miku's version
youtube
(And I'm like a lot of people in thinking that Ramattra is a big Miku Hatsune fan ! 🤣)
#Overwatch#Ramattra#Fanart#Meme#Animation#video game#Chibi#artist on tumblr#OCC but don't care !#I like to draw him so silly !#Nobody can stop me !#If someone knows how to make him sing on this music (via an AI) I will thank them forever !!!#Youtube
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this is sort of pathetic, but when you were younger, you were sort of puzzled by the cartoon representations of fathers: how a kid would be outside with a mitt, waiting to play catch.
it's not that your father never played catch with you, but you also didn't like when he did. something about a hard ball coming quickly towards your face doesn't seem exciting. not that you'd ever say you don't trust him. you trust him, right?
it's not like he never tried to teach you anything. or never tried to parent. on rare days, a strange person would walk in your father's skin. bright, happy, magnificent. this version of your father was so cheerful and charismatic that you would do anything to keep him. and this is the version of your father that would laugh and gently coax you try again. this is the version of your father that would break down the small elements of a problem and point them out so you have an easier time with them.
as a kid, those days happened more often. but somewhere around 11, you started being too much of a person, and he was often cross about it. when he'd try to sit you down to learn something, you spent the whole time with your shoulders around your ears, nervous, uncertain. terrified because you didn't immediately understand how to navigate something. worried you will run out of his goodwill and then you will have the Other Father back, and you will have ruined a good day for your entire family. something about you being visibly afraid - it just made him angry. he would accuse you of not wanting to learn and storm away.
on tv, it's not like there's a lot of versions of men-who-are-mostly-fathers. they can be good dads, but usually their stories are not told in the household. so it's normal that your father is there, but he's never around. you know he was in the house, somewhere, it's just not that you guys ever... "hung out". he just seemed to get kind of bored of you, annoyed you weren't made in his perfect image. frustrated with how much energy it took to raise a kid. over time, you kind of adopt a bittersweet band around your throat - he knows nothing about me. he says at least i never abandoned my family.
and it's technically - technically - true. he was there for you. sometimes he even made an effort and made it to the big moments; the graduations and the dance recitals. he grins and tells everyone that he taught you. it almost erases the days in between, where he complains because you need a ride to school. the weeks that go by where he doesn't actually ever speak to you. the times you say i am struggling and he says figure it out on your own. i can't help you.
and that's fine! that's all fine. you can call him if you are having a problem with your car. or if you need a ride to the hospital. he loves playing hero, he just doesn't like the actual work that comes with being a father. and you've kind of made your peace with that; because you had to, because you don't want to live your life like he does; the whole world at a managed distance, a little rotating and controlled orb he can witness and take credit for but never truly love.
as an adult, you are rewatching some dumb cartoon - and again, the child standing in the rain, with a mitt, waiting for their father to come play catch. as an adult, there's this strange creeping dread - this little thing? this little thing, and their dad can't even show up for that? oh god, holyshit, it's not about the mitt, is it. oh god, holyshit, your father spent most of your life leaving you hanging.
#spilled ink#writeblr#:) lol . anybody notice how i write about dads in second person exclusively#me: haha silly cartoon#also me: ): this child is not getting what they need#also btw this is about a father but it might apply to any parent or caregiver#there's a really weird space of like#''this person was technically around me but either ignored me or was actively harmful to me''#and like u learn this very strange ritual of like... this person is my parent/caregiver on a technicality#that you almost spend all ur time with them like... tiptoeing and acting as THEIR parent so u don't upset them.#like you're 17 and ur mom is suddenly hit by a wave of wanting to talk to you so she's like :) lets make breakfast together :) and ur like#uhhhhhh okay?? bc you feel like this is absolutely going to go wrong and is why u usually make breakfast alone#and she starts being like: THIS is called a TEASPOON ... & u know all this stuff but you also know to just be very quiet#bc if you say like ''mom ive been making this breakfast every day since i was 13'' she would FREAK OUT and be like#DONT ACT LIKE I NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR YOU DONT ACT LIKE I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU. FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL .#so u have to smile like ur a preschool teacher and be like. OH COOL! i didn't know A CUP existed! tell me MORE! :)
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