#i don't have a great conclusion just something something queer i guess

[queerofthedagger]

my coworker is not a stupid or unempathetic or mean-spirited woman but today we were talking about kids and future plans and she asked what mine were. as I tend to do, I just answered honestly -- that I love kids, but that it's not for me at all. that it never was, that I don't think I have the character for it, that I'm super content being the cool queer aunt/uncle/clanmember, and that I think you shouldn't have kids if you don't 100% want them. I did not say all of this at once, but over the usual growing confusion of are you sure, oh that's strange, etc etc. and it's like, I'm not bothered by this! like I get why many people would be but mostly it gets a tired smile out of me because again, she doesn't mean this in a condescending way at all. she simply does not remotely understand this, she who has pulled her fulfillment for decades from job and children, literally the two things ranking lowest on my list of Fulfillment Needs. she tells me that well, I'm only 31, I still have a couple of years if I do want to change my mind. I tell her if I ever did, there would always be adoption too, but I don't think I will. she says okay, but if you had a partner? someone who really wanted kids? I decide not to get into how I'm pretty content single and how that would simply be a deal-breaker, or that I'd encourage my partner to have kids with someone else then because I'm poly on top of being queer and not having a wish for kids, and this woman is about to retire and well-meaning but said that it's rare that you hear of people that really do not want kids. and again, it's not a bad conversation! it's just a reminder that people live in such different worlds, me surrounded by people whose last desire is to procreate, she by people who think a fulfilling life means a house and two kids and a vacation to spain each year. and sometimes it's just easier to smile and nod and not break an old woman's brain or to take insult at being told, at 31, that like. All That. i'll keep smiling with a bit of pity at the cookie cutter picket fence life, and she will keep smiling with a bit of pity at my catlady-to-be life plan. perhaps, that is just the nature of the thing.

[queer-ragnelle]

Understand is is a very weird question to get out the blue so no offence taken if this gets left in the inbox, but I was wondering how (if at all) to integrate transgender knights into arthurian retellings/adaptations ect while trying to keep it vaguely true to the medievalisms of the whole thing? I know its easy and liberating to just go 'fuck it everything queer' and its a totally valid way to go about it, but (as a trans person) I like having a narrative examine queerphobia and other structual issues with the setting - gives the whole thing a bit of meat (in my personal tastes). That being said, it feels like its a nightmare to try and have a transmasc knight stay stealth in this place! Everyone feels like theyre getting stipped and tended to after breaking a rib in a joust or merlin shows up and is a dick about pronouns and outs you to get you married to a Roman king. Stuff like that - things that feel a little easier to dodge when its a civillian character, not an ruling class.

Is this a 'kill the cop in your brain' kinda deal? As a queer storyteller yourself do you have any tips or strategies or tools you use to crowbar this kinda stuff a little easier together? Or do you know any stories/retellings/academic texts ect that cover these kinda things (even if its in a 'for the love of god, don't do that' way). Love the work you do for this fandom a lot, regardless of your answer! Hope you have a good day.

Hello anon! This is a great question.

Now let me preface this by saying I’m not transgender and I’m not a medievalist. There are plenty of trans medievalists on tumblr, but I’m not one of ‘em. So my answer is coming from a queer but cis author and enthusiast perspective. I'm going to provide lots of links to read things as well so everyone can draw their own conclusions from the material.

I think a large part of this does come down to “kill the cop in your head.” But at the same time, I’ve been exactly where you are wondering, “How can I make this story feel authentic to its era without torturing the trans characters?” Because you’re right, there’s a lot of nudity and close proximity interaction between knights in the medieval stories and Merlin is totally the type to be a dick about pronouns. I've also searched and struggled to find a medieval-set story that manages to incorporate queerness in a period-appropriate way (so far as we can guess) while balancing the narrative as to not tip into something deeply unpleasant for the target audience to read. (See: the series by Lavinia Collins, which has great queer rep, yay! But tons of horrors previously unseen and still unnecessary, boo!) So where does that leave us?

Well first I’m going to give you an example of how not to handle transness in an Arthurian story....

The book Once & Future and its sequel Sword in the Stars by Amy Rose Capetta and Cory McCarthy went with the phenomenon you already described as, “fuck it, everything queer.” It doesn't take place in the past, but does use the medieval stories as more than reference, it's not as divergent as something like Port Eternity by C. J. Cherryh, the reincarnated characters do interact with the past directly at times, so I'm using it as an example.

Anyway most characters are either gay (umbrella term) or trans. Except the way trans characters are treated sucks majorly (in my opinion). I completely lost faith in book 1 after the introduction of Lamorak, a gender fluid knight who uses they/them pronouns. Merlin misgenders them and gets corrected by Kay, to which Merlin does this whole self flagellation routine about. Lamorak is also disabled, missing their left hand. (Why isn't it Bedwyr? Anyway not the point...) Lamorak gets no dialogue here whatsoever, all agency is completely stripped from them regarding their disability and their gender identity. Double whammy.

This is worsened when Percival gets introduced, as Merlin then makes a point of asking for pronoun clarification in the most obnoxious way possible. To which Percival takes no offense at the weird slight against his sibling and tells Merlin his pronouns.

But what about the sequel? Surely these two queer authors improved with time.....

Is this a joke? Is this the best way they could indicate the inclusive realm of Avalon? Why not just describe the women as they are, all shapes and sizes, and let the reader figure it out? The authorial intent would be so obvious by this point. Instead they say it… like that. Gag.

It only gets worse when Mordred is born. Then they're weird about a literal infant.

What in the bio essentialism? If the characters have been living in a future that’s broken out of the gender binary, the baby’s genitals should be irrelevant. Gwen’s literally saying Mordred is going to fulfill the evil prophecy because he was born with a penis. Even if this is intended to be a teaching moment, I hate how it’s handled. These quotes are in order of appearance in the books, so after the subtextual implications of all that came before, this last part really doesn’t sit right with me. Sorry I find these books completely abhorrent. They've won awards, they’re beloved by many. Maybe it's me. But no thanks.

Honestly, so long as you're not blatantly offensive with your handling of such things, I think you'll be fine. It's important to remember that even if one is part of a demographic they're depicting, it's always a good idea to hire sensitivity readers and take that feedback seriously. Not everyone will love your work, there will be advice you don't utilize, with time you'll be able to weed out the bad faith feedback, (the "all depiction is glorification" crowd) and ignore it. But it's so important to open oneself up to constructive criticism so you can learn and your work can develop into the best possible version of itself.

Now let's get to some ways you can go about researching a way to do this that fits in your story. It’s important to remember that throughout human history, many people lived stealth their whole lives and we don’t know about them for that reason, not because no transgender folks ever lived authentically and happily in medieval times. So it’s never impossible to incorporate a trans character into a story who experiences no direct violence, even if the world they live in isn’t presented as a queer utopia. The other thing is that public opinion regarding queerness, cross dressing, etc have varied a lot over the centuries and were vastly different depending on location. Not every “woman” found in armor would have been treated as poorly as Joan of Arc. So there’s lots of wiggle room for interpretation when you go about writing these narratives. The majority of my examples deal with the ruling class so they address the concerns you mentioned with added scrutiny a noble would face if they were to experiment with gender presentation compared to a commoner. I’ll be spoiling the plots of everything on the list to make clear why I’m suggesting them.

My initial advice would be to read medieval literature with queer themes followed by essays on the subject. The best examples I know of are:

Yde et Olive

Transmasc knight (good ending). 12th century French romance. Yde’s mother Clarisse died giving birth to her & later when Yde reaches maturity, her father makes advances, so she disguises herself as a man & flees. Yde becomes a successful knight & is married to the king’s only daughter, Olive. When it comes time to consummate the marriage, Yde must confess the truth of his identity to Olive, who vows to keep it secret. This is overheard by the king who then attempts to uncover Yde’s identity but is stopped by an angel who chastises the king for harassing such a good vassal. Then Yde is transformed into a man, the king dies, & Yde is able to have a child with Olive. They name him Croissant as if it couldn’t get any more French than it already was. Anyway the story alternates pronouns for Yde given the situation which is pretty neat & in the end he gets to live his best life! Yay!

Le Roman de Silence

Transmasc knight (bad ending). A 13th century French romance about a baby girl named Silence. Silence is raised as a boy because King Eban won’t allow women to inherit property. Like many medieval romances, the hero's adventure is often punctuated with personified emotions (Dame Fortune, Lady Love, etc) but Silence is tormented by Nature & Nurture as he comes into adulthood. He becomes a knight & eventually takes on an "impossible" quest, to capture Merlin, which supposedly can only be done by a woman. Content warning for the ending, it does not go well for Silence. Merlin reveals his backstory, & he’s forced to take a feminized version of his name, live as a woman, & marry the king to keep his lands.

Wigalois by Wirnt von Grafenberg

A 13th century German romance that follows Gawain’s son, Wigalois [Gingalain], but this ain’t about him. There’s a character Marine who fights as a knight. She’s consistently referred to with she/her pronouns, but she’s renowned for her knightly virtues & fights alongside the men in the war. She’s treated very well narratively & dies in battle after apprehending a high-value hostage. Everyone mourns her & there’s a big funeral held in her honor. So even if Marine never presented herself as a man the way Yde or Silence do, she provides an example of a female thriving in a male role. Food for thought.

Parzival by Wolfram von Eschenbach

Another German banger from the 13th century. This one’s about a cis male knight but Parzival has transmasc vibes. Trust me. Here’s my favorite article about it called The Clothes Make The Man - Parzival Dressed & Undressed by Michael D. Amey that really illustrates what I mean.

After that, you can check out these retellings:

The Story of Silence by Alex Myers

I bought this but haven't read it yet. It’s a retelling about the aforementioned Le Roman de Silence. This book uses neutral they/them pronouns to refer to Silence, which I can say from experience sometimes causes confusion with readers, so it's good to study how this author did it & determine if that method feels right for you. (If you ever decide to do something like that with a character.)

Spear by Nicola Griffith + Spear's Author's Note

I enjoyed this one, beautiful prose. It didn’t feel like the most comprehensive Grail Quest retelling, but Peretur can be interpreted as a butch lesbian or transmasc, it’s ambiguous. She only uses masculine pronouns when stealth, otherwise using she/her, but it has a happy ending! It’s firmly set in the era & felt authentic on that front while letting the queer characters relax. Peretur isn’t alone. (A/G/L enjoyers keep winning + sapphic lady of the lake ftw + the other hotties Peretur pulled.) Definitely worth checking out.

The Bright Sword by Lev Grossman

This book just came out in 2024. Including it here is already a spoiler given the topic but I’m going to spoil fully from this point on so ignore this if that’s a problem. This is the best example I can give for your reading/writing tastes based on the ask; Dinadan is a trans man. His transness isn’t revealed in the main character Collum’s pov, but in Dinadan’s backstory pov, opening in his childhood. He & his twin brother were sent to different schools but young Dinadan would leave the girl’s school to practice knightly skills with the fay, which retroactively explains why he has a fairy sword that Collum was admiring. In exchange for this training, the fay ask that Dinadan slay Merlin. Which he agrees to while never believing he actually can, but the wrath of the fay in the afterlife is worth his ability to live as a knight. I love how it was all handled firstly because Dinadan has a fighting style that works for his smaller frame & because every knight has a different fighting style (Dagonet’s is “If it sucks hit da bricks.”) Dinadan doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb yet his physicality is accounted for. Secondly Dinadan explains the lengths he goes to in order to stay stealth from obvious ones like binding his breasts to pretending to shave his face every couple days & wearing a packer. Later on, Dinadan’s secrets are revealed when he goes swimming in the ocean with Palomides (who evidentially already knew) & Collum joins them. Collum had no idea, which I think brings up an interesting point about all of this which also reminds me of Gawain not recognizing that Beaumains was Gareth—the power of expectation. Just as Gawain expected to find a kitchen boy & would have no reason to assume his brother (who hit puberty since they last saw each other) would be stealth in the kitchens so therefore didn’t recognize him, Collum expects to find men as knights of the Round Table, so when Sir Dinadan is introduced, & Collum had heard of him before, Dinadan’s stature & high voice don’t register to Collum as anything but traits that this guy Dinadan happens to have. Learning Dinadan’s secret in the presence of another knight who already knows & is chill about it also encourages Collum to be accepting too. So giving Dinadan at least one ally in his corner throughout the story went a long way. In the end Merlin, who can only be killed by a man (which is why Nimue had to settle for sealing him away) is stabbed by Dinadan. So it’s like a reverse Silence/Éowyn situation that Dinadan’s gender is affirmed in his ability to kill Merlin. This book also includes the part from Le Morte d’Arthur where Dinadan’s forced to wear a dress, which in this context is very transphobic, but that’s the point. It’s made better when Dinadan gets to go insano style on Merlin so he gets payback. Just a heads up about that.

Some fantasy/scifi that’s not Arthurian but may help, as Arthuriana is largely fantasy to begin with, this may help you determine where on the spectrum your taste/writing falls regarding the bending of reality/history to fit your narrative.

Orlando: A Biography by Virginia Woolf

1928 novel about a character named Orlando living during the reign of Elizabeth I. Orlando is born male, then at some point in his early adulthood, falls into a deep sleep from which he awakens the exact same person, now metamorphosed to be female. Orlando, for her part, adopts this new role immediately & keeps on moving. She lives for 300 years as such & has many adventures, including an instance where she then presents as a man to elude marriage. Transitioned so she could cross dress in the other direction. She would’ve done numbers on tumblr. Ultimately, Orlando does marry… a gnc sea captain! The success of their marriage is attributed to their similarities in gender non-conformity. Even though this book only remains in the late medieval era for the opening, I think it’s a poignant example of a transgender individual living their life in their time & still getting to enjoy themselves without excessive suffering that may provide lots of inspiration.

The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K Le Guin

1970 Hugo & Nebula award winning novel. A fascinating examination of gender from the point of view of a cis man named Genly Ai having to reconcile his interpretation of the gender binary when confronted with a society who operates outside that. His travels with ambisexual Estravan challenges what Ai understands about the universe. His ignorance forms the backbone of the narrative as he grows close to a person from this other society. Even if it’s not a medieval setting, it may help you develop a narrative voice regarding this subject you’re able to bring to your work. Also it’s just really good.

The Privilege of the Sword by Ellen Kushner

2007 Locus award winner, Nebula & Gaylactic Spectrum nominee. High fantasy medieval setting. Katherine is a country girl brought to the big city Riverside by her uncle the Duke where she’s offered the opportunity to train as swordsman (ie cross dress) instead of political marriage. She’s unsure of the reasoning behind her uncle’s motivations for doing this, but goes along with it & kicks ass. A preview is available on Google books (linked).

The Realm of the Elderlings by Robin Hobb

This is my favorite series ever. It spans 16 books published between 1995-2017. The fandom on tumblr & ao3 is hugely active. (Avoid tags to dodge major spoilers or check it out for amazing art & many quotes!) The series has many gnc characters in a fantasy medieval setting. First & foremost, The Fool, who’s in all the books & whose gender ambiguity is mentioned book 1, to which he says, “None of your business.” The character ever. Without getting too specific, there are several trans characters including gender fluid characters who will alternate between masc/fem presentation & pronouns. This is my favorite example of gender fluid characters in any fantasy I’ve read, especially since there are several & each feels unique. In The Liveship Traders trilogy, Amber coaches another woman how to hide her period while pretending to be a ship’s boy by using a sock, so if anyone finds the blood on it, she can say she cut her foot. Little things like that really deepened the realism in an otherwise fantastical story for me, because addressing those details answers questions my overly analytical mind would ask & wonder about if unacknowledged.

Lastly I'd like to suggest the article Armour of an Alienating Identity by Jeffrey Jerome Cohen. While it doesn't mention Parzival (the text), it does mention Perceval (the character), as well as Gareth Beaumains, Lancelot, Gawain, Yvain, and even Arthur himself. It goes on to reference endless examples to support its thesis including Greek heroes such as Achilles and Odysseus with references to many different medieval stories from Old English Beowulf to the Irish Ulster cycle to the works of Geoffrey Chaucer. Most (if not all) of the texts mentioned in this essay can be found on my blog for cross reference if you desire, although the article already contains many quotes.

Okay I think that’s all I got. I’ve given you a ton to think about and read. Ultimately I don’t think there’s a clean cut answer for this. Nuance, you know? Having hired an editor and many sensitivity readers myself, it really is just a professional a vibe check sometimes. You write what you want to the best of your ability, then other people weigh in, and you keep tweaking it until it’s as good as you can possibly make it. During development, and even in its final form, there will be people who don’t enjoy your story and that’s fine. It isn’t for everyone, it’s for you and your audience. No single experience in this life is the same so each fictional depiction emulating life will also be unique, there’s no “right” answer on how to write this or anything else, only the way you want to.

Hopefully now you have some tools to help you learn how best to express your vision. I know they gave me a lot of insight and ideas I lacked before when writing trans characters in my books. Thank you for trusting me with this question and good luck with your project! Take care! :^)

[erika111111]

The Quarry and queer-baiting

It's a pretty known issue within The Quarry fanbase that this game basically set us up with two gay couples for them to just... not happen. In fact, it's almost as if the game rubs it in the players' faces that they don't, won't, and can't happen, besides the first half of the game setting them up rather clearly. It feels like the writers completely abandoned the idea halfway through, or for some reason just wanted to draw players in with the concept of queer relationships/characters just to rip it away in the end.

Disclaimer: This topic has been in my rough drafts for like, nearly two years at this point. I updated and added some stuff, but forgive me if I missed any crucial details.

So in the beginning, a lot of people wind up shipping both Ryan x Dylan (Rylan) and Emma x Abigail (Blygbank). Let's start with Blygbank since it's the shorter of the two.

So we do establish that Emma had a boyfriend, but the keyword is "had." To be fair, Jacob and Kaitlyn talk about it for the entire first section and that's the whole reason this game even happens, since Jacob wants another shot with Emma. So this straight couple is obviously very prominent. But, throughout the entire game, from multiple characters (Emma herself, Kaitlyn, Dylan, Ryan), it's repeatedly stated that Emma wants to move on from Jacob. Then we're introduced to Abigail, who's first scene is of her drawing a sketch of Emma. It's established that Emma and Abi are good friends. Maybe Emma and Abi will start a relationship? But, then we're introduced to Abi's crush on Nick. So I guess that idea just got blown out of the water...

To be fair, Emma's lack of interest in Jacob and Abi sketching Emma all happens very quickly within the first chapter. Perhaps it's the players' fault for jumping to that conclusion so quickly... but still.

What's more disappointing is that Abi and Nick are basically useless after chapter 6. There is actually yet another opportunity to develop some Blygbank relationship, but once again, it goes nowhere. Nick is bit and infected and starts acting absolutely horrible toward Abi, which very noticeably turns Abi off from him. Then Nick disappears for the rest of the game. But given Abi survives, she'll have another opportunity to have some alone time with Emma. Yet nothing of actual importance is discussed here. Not Emma kissing Nick. Not how Nick treated Abi. Not where Abi and Emma's relationship stands. Not where Emma and Jacob's relationship stands. We do get a moment where Emma reveals some of her true colors and she says that she needs Abi and she's been great to her, but once again, this goes nowhere. I guess we could see this as romantic, but Abi kind of seems just tired of and annoyed with Emma at this point and doesn't comment much about any of it. Basically there's just no conclusion. We have literally no idea where their relationship stands, romantically or otherwise. It's a huge missed opportunity.

While you can't get both of these scenes in the same playthrough, they do also push the Blygbank agenda. If you can get the "Nobody's Fool" route where Emma and Jacob reunite and Jacob tells her the truth, Emma will be completely and entirely done with Jacob. No more joking, no more mixed signals, she's just done. Which is kind of where the entire game was leading to from the beginning anyway, but this route gives it to us loud and clear. This accompanied with Abi and Nick going south again leaves us with a Blygbank option, but obviously, we get none of it. I know there's not much time left in the game by the time any of these scenes happen; maybe this is something else that could've been developed if we got any post-credits scenes, police interviews, I don't know. Again, maybe I'm reaching way too far with this one, but I think there's pretty good reason to ship Blygbank and assume maybe that's the direction they planned on going in. But I digress...

Onto part two, we have Rylan. And... Ryka? I have no idea what the ship name for Ryan x Kaitlyn is and I don't know if shippers for this couple even exist, so I'll just call them Ryka. And they're not a queer couple, but it's necessary to talk about the two at the same time.

I'll be honest, during my first several playthoughs/watchthroughs of The Quarry, I had no idea Kaitlyn was interested in Ryan. They do not do a good job of establishing that at all, and you can very easily miss every single opportunity for it to be brought up until chapter freaking nine. So honestly, Kaitlyn is pretty much a non-factor here. Dylan's crush on Ryan is very vocal and obvious, and the two are paired up very often throughout the game. Even if Kaitlyn's crush on Ryan was more well-known, Dylan is still the more obvious one between the two because, again, Dylan and Ryan are always paired up together.

Ryan is rather... uninterested in everything and everyone. But between everyone, he seems closest to Dylan. Of course, this can depend on how you play as both characters. You can make them argue A LOT, and Ryan won't always say the "I'm a bit closer to Dylan, I guess" line, but regardless, there's some scenes with them being close that will always happen. The most prominent scene between them is when they're walking to the radio hut and Dylan actually opens up to Ryan about who he is and what he likes to do. Ryan will have unwavering, non-negotiable interest in Dylan as a person here. Sure, they CAN kiss at the firepit, but Ryan can also choose to kiss Kaitlyn. They can joke around about the Bizarre Yet Bonafide podcast name, or they can't. They can agree over the gun, or they can argue instead. Ryan can cheer Dylan on or rush him. They can grab the phones and go or Dylan can annoy Ryan so much, he'll yell at him. Point being, there's a lot of options you can take with their relationship. You can make them close or you can make them bicker. Regardless, Dylan will remain interested. And regardless, they will have this intimate moment together on the way to the radio hut. Point being again, it's veryyyy obvious this a queer relationship in the making. Justice Smith is even a queer actor, and Miles Robbins is a very vocal supporter of the LGBTQ+ community.

Then Laura comes and fucks the whole thing up. And I love Laura, mind you, but for some reason the writers decided to take this whole ship and spin it on its head when Laura arrives.

Before we get into the Laura segment, let me point a few more things out. I personally thought that Ryan was maybe oblivious to Dylan and Kaitlyn's feelings, didn't really know which one he liked more, or most prominently, maybe he was asexual. When Emma tells him to kiss either Dylan or Kaitlyn, he asks if he can kiss both. I thought that was kind of an odd thing to say unless he either liked both or just didn't care. Also, he can ask Laura, "You're doing all of this for a boy?" He really seems like he doesn't understand this kind of love or investment in another person romantically. Upon discovering that line, I pretty much accepted Ryan as asexual.

But then he's not asexual. And he's not oblivious to Dylan and Kaitlyn's feelings. And he's not interested in either of them. According to Justice Smith himself, when Laura asks Ryan who he likes more and he answers with "Maybe neither," it means that Ryan has a crush on Laura. And I truly don't get this, for several reasons. For starters, yes, Laura is doing all of this for a boy--her boyfriend, Max. She literally has a boyfriend already. And Ryan already had a thing going with Dylan. So why, seven whole chapters through this entire game, giving us LauraMax and Rylan, do they suddenly pair together Lyan? It's just a creative decision I will never understand. Maybe if Laura and Max had broken up, but still. She's not reintroduced until chapter 7 so we've already had six chapters of Rylan still. Maybe they could have made it more obvious from the beginning that Ryan wasn't interested in Dylan or Kaitlyn, but they just didn't do that. They particularly paired Ryan and Dylan up all the time and made them close. So, I call queer-baiting.

Of course, Lyan never goes anywhere. The only ending you can get that involves any kind of romance is actually Laura and Max reuniting. Laura and Ryan's romance happens in basically two seconds and there's barely any romance to even speak of. Laura does flirt with him a lot, but I believe that's due to the werewolf curse, as she stops that kind of behavior after her curse is lifted. They do seem to be close friends by then, she just doesn't flirt anymore or make weird comments. And really neither does Ryan. Sure, you don't always get the "maybe neither" line and you can choose less flirty options sometimes, but then they have a whole ass The Lovers card. So it's extremely obvious what the developers were going for. I just don't understand why suddenly go for this couple eight chapters through after already establishing a gay couple with Ryan himself and Dylan.

The only other thing we get on this matter is Dylan and Kaitlyn discussing Ryan's relationship with Laura on their way to the scrapyard. The most positive outcome for Rylan here is when Dylan says he and Ryan got close and Kaitlyn tells him "There's always next year." So it does give a bit of hope to this ship, leaving it open-ended despite the sudden occurrence of Lyan. Of course, you might not always get these lines, and Dylan and Kaitlyn can both agree "screw Ryan" and move on. So... I don't fucking know. It's like they purposefully set players up to support this clearly laid out queer ship of Rylan to then make it all insanely confusing and open-ended and piss people off. I think they really fumbled the bag with this one, and it's why I have a hard time shipping Ryan with literally anyone. It's all just a confusing mess.

I'd definitely say that the whole Supermassive Games chain of video games definitely got less queer-baity and more queer accepting over time. Just a few months later, The Devil in Me is released and they give us a Lesbian ship with Jamie and Erin. Also, with the Until Dawn remake, they cranked up the Jemily and Climbing Class. Not by much, mind you, but regardless, they acknowledged the popularity of these queer couples in the fanbase and added some crumbs for the players. It makes me wonder if they'll ever delve on Blygbank or Rylan in the future. I'm doubting The Quarry will ever get a remaster/remake with added content like Until Dawn, but who knows, I guess. As I said, both ships are pretty much left open-ended. But for now, I think The Quarry has a serious problem with queer-baiting, or maybe they just had no idea how to handle writing queer characters. I really don't know.

Lastly, none of this was supposed to be negative or attacking any single one of the ships mentioned in this post. I don't know how anything I said could be interpreted that way, but you never know. This post was just supposed to be informative. I hear a lot of people criticizing the queer-baiting within this game, as they should, and I decided to make an informative post covering all of the points and how I believe they screwed up the opportunities to put in these queer couples and somewhat alienate their queer audience.

Link to part two here.

[disventure-rewrite-takes]

Something that’s always annoyed me is that we literally never saw Emily actually do her job before she got fired. In episode one, they said her job was to create drama between the contestants and use the confessionals to do that, which she then.. never does??? I feel like it’s such a missed opportunity that they never really used her for this, especially when all the characters just jump to conclusions and create drama on their own which just makes them unlikeable most of the time. For example, she could’ve told Jake things about Tom and Aiden (even if that plotline sucked), made the Jake and Ally plot worse, Connor and Riya, Ellie with the villains alliance, etc.

Plus, I could be misremembering, but I’m pretty sure we never find out WHY she even helps Yul out in the earlier episodes. It sort of makes sense for his manager to contact her out of all the staff since she’s the newest, but why exactly does she decide to help?? How does it benefit her at all to do something that could (and did) get her fired for the sake of his reputation? Just because the manager would pay her?? It makes no sense to me.

I don’t think ONC had any idea what they were doing with her character for this entire season. Like, what the hell was the POINT of spending 5 episodes straight building up a friendship between her and Trevor that was clearly good for both of them, just to fuck it up for the sake of Trevek. And again, we have no idea what her plan to “ruin the show” even is. I’d assume that she intended for the scorpions to seriously injure or even kill one of the contestants so the staff would be in a lot of trouble, but. How did they NOT consider this as a possibility. They (or atleast Trevor and Derek) knew about the scorpions since season one, they’re in the same caves, and it was probably them who locked them in that cage in the first place. Plus, Trevor seemed to know exactly what Emily was gonna do and just didn’t.. try to warn anyone or say anything at all? Ok. Emily I’m so sorry for what they did to u queen, you deserve to be in a better show than this

every single character deserves to be in a better show, because i can truly get behind why characters like riya or even fucking YUL can be nuanced. TRULY, they do have potential, just not under ONC.

but EMILY??? they did her DIRTY. i don't get anyone saying it's in-character or out-of-character because guess what, her character is barely fucking established. it is SURREAL just how BAD her writing is. if you did a proper character analysis for her you couldn't say shit because there's so many contradicting things to say!! and this sucks!! because she could've been great!! but in ONC's eyes if a character is queer they're interesting enough who cares about actual development that makes sense!!!!! they're so progressive you guys!!! don't you want to watch disventure camp because they show up in those '_ rep in shows' slideshows from tiktok?!!?!?! don't you !?!?!??!?!?!?!!!

[sevensoulmates]

Hi there 👋 may I have your opinion on this? Because I feel like it's the general consensus that Eddie may not be all that unaware of the way his feelings towards Buck runs deeper than friendship right? he has been stocking his feelings away in this little glass box he is so careful holding close to his heart, and he doesn't really have to examine those feelings because he firmly believes Buck is straight right? and then Buck's new revelation will be crashing down on him like:

while Eddie is running away from queerness.

And I absolutely can't wait to see Eddie overanalyzing every past and future interaction with Buck under this new light and be like:

I'm so ready for this development 🍿🍿🍿 and I've always wondered if the reason it feels like Eddie was always making heart eyes at Buck was a Ryan thing, like he was playing the character the way he wants or it's him being directed to do that acting choices. Hopefully we will now soon.

Finally, do you think they will be addressing the couch theory again, at some point or will they brush it off?

I've been reading your last meta again and again (and I will do it again) still daydreaming about 7x04, still on cloud nine, total bliss 🤗

Sorry for the delayed response. Had a busy work day today. You've actually touched on one of those things that I go back and forth on a lot when it comes to Eddie and that is the idea of whether or not he is aware (on some level) of his sexuality and/or feelings for Buck.

I've seen some great arguments that he is aware but not able to COMPREHEND his feelings, and simply packed them away. And I've also seen some great arguments on Eddie not being aware at all and having just repressed it all so deeply that even though he feels his feelings, he's never allowed himself to think about what they actually mean. There's a lot of overlap in the two arguments and I think there's some truth to both.

A good friend of mine Zee @tawaifeddiediaz presented me with an interesting thinking point which is the possibility that Eddie may have realized his feelings for Buck on some level at the time of the shooting in the season 4 finale but due to the traumatic nature of the event, repressed them alongside his other feelings regarding that event, which I am inclined to agree with.

Personally, I hesitate to say that Eddie is consciously aware of his feelings/sexuality at the current point in time because then it makes me feel weird regarding his actions with dating Marisol. That's a large reason why I'm pretty certain Eddie isn't aware, or at least fights back against his feelings so hard that he's unknowingly overcorrecting by dating women.

Because if there's one thing about Eddie it's that he is almost always existing in a state of denial in one way or another. Denial about the reality of what his relationship with his parents was like, denial about how unhappy his relationship with Shannon was, denial about the fact that Christopher does not NEED a mother to live a good life, denial that he deserves happiness, denial about how deeply the war affected him, denial about how he feels regarding being with women. It's just denial, denial, denial with him. So I guess on some level in order to exist in that perpetual state of denial, one has to at least be aware on SOME level that there IS something to be in denial about, right?

I'm open to whatever the writers have in mind up their sleeve for Eddie. Now that they have the freedom to go down this route if they want, I trust they'll do it well.

As for the couch theory, I think people need to stop thinking about it as something that was introduced in season 6 and needed to be conclusively wrapped in season 6. I think it was more so meant to be a series-long metaphor for "once Buck finds his home, he'll have found where he needs to be". And that's really what the couch metaphor means to me. So, no, I don't really think the show needs to have Buck be like "hey, Eddie, want to go pick out a couch with me?" Instead, I think they can just have Buck, Eddie and Christopher sit on the couch in Eddie's home altogether once Buddie is canon and that would be more than for me to feel like the "couch theory" was satisfied.

[chemicalarospec]

Some intersex people genuinely don't want to be included but the majority of us want to be. It's actually really difficult to be in queer spaces that consistently enforce sex binaries, never use the updated progress flag with us, and never have intersex flags.

Often the idea that we don't want to be included comes from intersexists who want us to remain as "disorders of sexual development" (outdated offensive term). It's unfortunate that this idea permeates the queer community so much.

You can see photos from this intersex organization using the pride flag, if you need more than an anon's word. https://interactadvocates.org/#

Thanks for the information!

I didn't know "disorders of sex development" was considered outdated and offensive, I thought it was actually a modern (more formal?) alternative to "intersex". Unless that was "differences of sex development"? (I almost tagged it on the original post but I wasn't sure what the term was.) Ah, I found more information on the link (x). Thanks for the website, very helpful!

This subpage is a great source on intersex people wanting to be included! It's a bit more ambivalent than I expected - combined with this anon's word and my previous impressions it seems like there are still a significant amount of intersex people who don't want to be a part of the queer community, but the ones who do want to be included would much prefer the queer community open its arms. So it seems to me the best course is to do so and the intersex people who want to can individually distance themselves (my impression is most people of that group more want to be personally distanced than think 'I' should never be a part of 'LGBTQA') and only partake in intersex communities.

We recommend adding intersex to your organization’s LGBTQIA+ acronym only once you have intersex leadership, consultation and/or resources. Intersex people have very specific needs, just like each letter of the acronym.

This line in particular stood out to me because they only provide guidance for what organizations should do... I feel like most times when the decision is being made whether or not to use the intersex progress flag, it's individuals and small groups like my GSA making posts, selling merch, decorating a space, etc. that aren't serving any needs besides community for anyone... I guess I already came to the conclusion to include by default though? (Honestly this page feels just barely strong enough for me to send to anyone if this question comes up in the future, so if anyone has any more sources do send in more anons!)

Honestly I was hoping for something like "our survey of as many intersex forums/organizations/people as possible found that 80% of intersex people want to be included in 'LGBTQIA', pride events/orgs, and the progress pride flag" --that this had been "laid to rest" and I could just tell my friend straight "no, intersex people want to be included now"-- , but of course I shouldn't expect things to be too simple haha, people & groups are nuanced and nuance comes in the form of caveats. At least I feel much more informed now!

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

have you been in other fandoms with a lot of shipping? if so how would you say the evidence compares?

Well, I was in the Sherlock fandom Back In The Day and definitely witnessed TJLC unfolding in front of me – but that's fiction anyways so "evidence" isn't a great term for it (I guess outside the whole "showmakers are doing this On Purpose and have a plan" stuff).

The main real person tinhat theory I'm deeply familiar with is Gaylor (majoring in Kaylor specifically). That's a theory I've followed at least casually for about 9 years and even kind of hyperfixated on between like 2018 and late 2020 – without ever really believing it (though I like to think I gave it a fair shake back when I first discovered it in 2015 and also when it seemed a bit likely in 2019).

Anyways, there is very definitely less evidence for Gaylor than for something having happened between John and Paul… But the evidence is also extremely different because there simply aren't nearly as many accounts about Taylor's day-to-day life and relationships and business dealings as there are about the Beatles. Most of the things thought to be known about her private life come from her own songs, making the theory basically based on an extremely subjective and abstractified account of her life.

Oh also so much of their evidence is either stuff which may or may not be ~queer symbolism (and often almost definitely isn't) or it's like… she and whoever her theorized lover is posting pictures wearing the same colour on instagram. Like, it's not analysing her actual relationships and trying to draw conclusions from that (there was a bit of that when we were actually getting a lot of content of Taylor and Karlie Kloss in 2014/15 but… it's been a decade lol) it's purely based on what Taylor is trying to say to us, the audience. This also makes gaylors VERY resentful towards non-shippers, because the "hetlors" Just Don't Get It. (also gaylors are pretty ostracized, partially for homophobic reasons but partially because they um don't make sense)

There's also no one who is actually close to Taylor or at least claims to be who is making any claims even tangentially like this about her. So yeah, the quality of the best evidence is incomparable.

However, there is stuff I'd consider very poor evidence for McLennon which is quite similar to some Gaylor arguments. For example ,Paul allegedly saying "Oh Johnny" on Oh! Darling… a bunch of kaylors think the song Call It What You Want is actually a "pun" on "Karlie, what you want". So I always cringe a bit when I see that type of thing gets paraded as evidence. (also: "I buried Paul" anyone?)

[matan4il]

preface ..... I actually don't care how Buddie becomes Canon just make it happen, I promise writers I won't complain..... But 2 things I am not sure make me a masochist. So here's my 2 points.

The reason the slow burn is my favorite of all tropes is because, yes, it's full of longing and ache. It always starts with explosive feelings that can be a confusing mix of jealousy, attraction, and an insane spark. But what makes it special is that by the time the feelings are acknowledged, the 2 are so intertwined it really becomes a question of can I risk losing you in my life for the gratification of having it all. There is something beautiful about that idea, like I can't risk not seeing you leaning on just so we can have sex. Honestly, it's why the best slow burns don't even launch right away. Maybe take a detour till they realize they are stupid. Christopher is a huge reason they are so intertwined that they may be hesitant too. So is it wrong that I sort of want to see the longing play out a little??

And 2, I sometimes don't like the idea that if suddenly both realize they are not entirely straight that they will just be like "hey let's be gay together." Because the beautiful thing about these 2 has never really been that. I think most audience members would agree that if you had confirmation, they could find the other sexually attractive, of course they are Canon. It's the only thing missing from their relationship. However I think Buddie sees the other one as damn near perfect, like just that fucking great. But in my head I am like, I can totally see them thinking there is no way he could love me back. I guess my point is queer confirmation is a signal to us but I in no way think it suddenly makes Buddie take the leap.

Does any of that make sense, or am I just wishing to be tortured by the natural conclusion of a slow burn. Which is a little bit of pain and misery I hope they draw out for me every Monday!!!

Hi Nonnie! Thank you for the lovely ask.

Honestly, I agree with you so much! Slow burns are so good because they take their time in building themselves emotionally, so that by the time we get to the sexual (and often even before that), every touch, every look, every word explodes with meaning and feelings.

TBH, I take 'going canon' as ANYTHING that admits and recognizes that at least one character's feelings for the other goes beyond friendship. Not hints, not subtext, but something that is unmistakable. Like a conversation with a third party. Not spilling anything to the other person, maybe not yet even admitting things to themselves, but the second the text recognizes these feelings? And for real, not as a cute wink at the shippers, like the elf lady in 210? That is CANON. And yeah, slow burns def continue beyond that and can even REALLY stretch this part out, and have a lot of engaged viewers wanting to see how the transition will happen from "I finally know how I feel, but I can't act on it" to "This is right, and I'm as sure as I can be that we both want it, so it's still scary, but it's not so scary that it's out of reach."

I hope this helps? Thank you and have a great day! As always, here's my ask tag. xoxox

[byler-alarmist]

Hellcheer

Okay, I'll level with you -- in any other show, I probably would've loved it.

I love a cutesy/sunshine partner with a darker/edgier partner. The relationship often brings out fun, surprising depths to their respective characters. I totally get this trope!

However, I just can't ship it romantically in Stranger Things.

For one, I lean towards Eddie being gay. He is extremely queer-coded and heavily paralleled to Will. I guess it's technically possible he could be bisexual though, and if he is, then perhaps he could've liked Chrissy that way.

But I don't think he took her to his trailer with any romantic intentions at all, I think he was just trying to finish his drug deal and get paid, and also thought she was nice/wanted to help her out.

Either way, as a super-senior, Eddie's a little too old for her within the canon of the show having her still in high school. Obviously this wouldn't stop many guys, but it just wouldn't sit right with me.

All that said, I thought their scene in the woods was very cute! They had a good rapport and the thought of Chrissy enjoying Corroded Coffin is just 🤌🤌

I love that he insinuates that she is a covert "freak"! This show has always been about the nerds and outcasts, but S4 starts dropping several seeds suggesting that even some of the normie people who are looked upon as popular, attractive, rich, etc may not be as "normal" as they let on.

It could even be subtly suggesting that Chrissy was some flavor of queer, too, since Hellfire/Corroded Coffin/Eddie in general seem to represent queerness and/or 'alternative" lifestyles.

I saw somebody say that the tragedy of Eddie and Chrissy was that they had all the potential to be friends if not for their rigid social stations.

I actually agree and like to think that they could've become great friends in another setting.

Personally, I love the thought of "Platonic with a Capital P" Hellcheer!!

I saw an absolutely hilarious fanart that was a swapped version of Stobin in the Boobies scene, except it was Chrissy arguing with Eddie in the car and they were debating whether his guy crush was into dick or not 😹😭 it was great and I'd love that dynamic for them hahahshsha

I also saw another really cute fanart of the two of them as DnD characters! Like if she had joined Hellfire or something. They had made her a kind of dancer lady and he was some kind of bard with his lute. It was really sweet and I'd love that for them too, in a platonic way

Conclusion: I think Eddie and Chrissy had cute friend potential, though it would be hard for their characters in a place like Hawkins. Maybe if they had lived, after they graduated and got out of Hawkins, they'd have a better shot at being real friends.

[gloomysoup]

i'm about to go on a bit of a personal ramble here for a minute. i feel like i have a lot to say and no one to say it to, and i feel like my blog has become this safe space for me to say those things. i've shared pieces of myself (my creative work) that i haven't shared with other people before. so i'm going to get a little more personal. if you want to read, great. if not, that's fine too. maybe we'll all get something out of this. maybe we won't. either way, it's here.

i've lived in the same county, with the same people, for twenty years. twenty years in a small, conservative, god-fearing place. every single household in my neighborhood goes to church every sunday. they have bible study in my neighborhood for the adults that meets every week. i've grown up around a lot of small-mindedness when it comes to social issues. which put a lot of strain on my mental health, growing up different from anyone else. i never really fit in, even in my friend groups. there's this expectation that everyone seems to have.

i always knew i was different. there was something about me. there's a lot of things, actually, but i really just want to focus on one in particular. i never had an interest in boys. not once. i didn't really think much of it until other people my age made comments about it. i never had a boyfriend, aside from once in probably first or second grade. and we were friends, only "dated" for maybe two days. that was that. i don't really ever count it. dating never seemed like a very big deal to me for a long time. i was much more focused on school and sports. eventually i realized i was a lot more interested in girls than i ever was in boys.

i fought thru a lot of internalized stuff before i came to the conclusion that i was absolutely 100% definitely a lesbian (along w a lot of trial and error in the form of awkward college experiences). i had a lot of issues throughout middle and high school that i don't particularly need to get into. all that really matters is now.

this year, i made a vow to myself. id do more to truly love myself. to be who i am, unashamedly. i made a few changes to my diet (eating healthier, listening to the advice my doctor gave me ten years ago that i should have listened to back then, actually eating regularly for the first time in years). i got a new job, which i actually really enjoy despite how tired i always am. i love the kids i work with. my coworkers are amazing. which brings me to the latest decision i've made in an effort to keep my promises to myself.

i'm done hiding. i don't want to feel ashamed of who i am just because it doesn't fit the mold. up until recently, i've been pretty selective about who i tell that i'm gay. i never wanted it to get back to my family. i didn't want them to know. i'm still not sure i do, but it's time i stop trying to walk on eggshells all the time. i'm not sure i'll be able to say anything outright, but i don't want to hide it away anymore. i don't want to pretend to be someone i'm not. i don't want to put up more masks every time i leave the safety of my room.

i'm going to a concert in june. pride month. the concert is for my favorite queer artist. i don't want to hide my excitement at finally getting to see her live just because i'm afraid of what people will say. i don't want to carefully think through every little thing before i say something or do something, just in case it's a little too gay to brush off.

i think this is finally the year i embrace myself for who i am. maybe i'll even finally go to a pride event and post pictures. i don't want to be afraid anymore. i don't want to hide anymore. maybe this will backfire on me. maybe it won't. i guess i won't know unless i try.

[wolfreader]

november 2024 wrap-up - young adult fiction

this month i read six (6) young adult novels.

all our hidden gifts by caroline o'donoghue 📖 🌟🌟🌟🌟

i read this a couple years ago but never continued on with the series - i found a bundle of the entire trilogy in hardcover for a great price so decided to pick it up again.

i think i actually enjoyed this more on the reread! i remember when i first read it i thought it was just okay but i liked it a lot more as an adult than i did as a young teen. while solidly ya it's for sure intended for the upper end of that, high school juniors / seniors while i was a sophomore.

some elements i didn't love but i'm simply able to articulate better now. some things about the conclusion rub me the wrong way but i can't go into it without giving spoilers. and one little pet peeve of mine is that when the characters talk about gender or sexuality it's more in line with how you'd talk about queerness online than in real life. and i don't mean that in a negative way, just that the way you phrase things through text is going to be different than the way phrase things when you talk out loud, off the cuff, and the way the queer characters in all our hidden gifts talk about their queerness is more "through text" phrasing. and because of that it kinda sounds like they're giving prepared speeches or something; reads really unnatural.

the camelot betrayal by kiersten white 📖 🌟🌟🌟

big "middle book in a trilogy" syndrome. there's certainly some interesting stuff in this installment, but it's mainly set ups that will likely pay off in book three. we get more detail about guinevere's personality and especially the mystery surrounding her past / origins and more development of her relationships with arthur and mordred.

based on how guinevere's thing with mordred is going and some vague goings on with arthur i'm SO worried that this is going to turn into yet another series that resolves a love triangle by making on leg evil out of nowhere to justify the main character ending up with the morally grey bad boy. that's my least favorite trope, it's so lazy. but the series isn't done yet so anything can happen.

the excalibur curse by kiersten white 📖 🌟🌟🌟🌟

they're actually gay???? lesbians?? sword lesbians???

i was feeling a little uneasy about the final book after reading the second book, but i ended up enjoying the series overall. i think if you're into arthuriana but also into lowkey melodramatic young adult fantasy, you'll enjoy this.

i did not guess the twist about guinevere's past, though i did get close. as in, my theories were half right.

i really liked where white went with the characters and the relationships - i mentioned i was worried about arthur doing a complete heel turn to justify guinevere ending up with mordred and none of that happened! slight spoilers, but i actually like that the series ended without guinevere officially getting together with anyone.

the gifts that bind us by caroline o'donoghue 📖 🌟🌟🌟🌟

very compelling story about cults, fundamentalism, radicalization, et cetera. but also about community and activism and solidarity.

i kind of surprised myself by liking aaron as much as i did. don't get me wrong, he's still a piece of shit, but i found him really interesting. i guess it's good storytelling to have this example of someone who was more progressive but ended up being a massive right winger anyway - an example to the rest of the characters that they're more susceptible to the cult's manipulation than they might think, that they aren't immune just because they're more leftie than others in their town.

the background for the cult is really interesting as well, because american right-wing groups funneling people and money into uk groups is a very real phenomenon.

however, for a series that's very progressive with multiple trans characters and i think only one or two cishet characters, there was this tiny bit of weird gender essentialism? like, it's implied that only women can be natural-born witches because men born with magic will always go insane, which just felt very... strange? like, why, in this very trans series, is there suddenly this point about only women being suited for the mystic arts or whatever.

hearts that cut by kika hatzopoulou 📚 🌟🌟🌟

not as compelling as the first book :-(. i still love the lore / worldbuiling, still think it's very original compared to a lot of greek mythology inspired young adult fantasy, but the actual plot just wasn't as engaging.

the pacing was incredibly off. it felt like we spent so much tim ejust hanging around and talking that the entire climax and falling action had to happen in just five chapters. also, even though it's the same exact couple, i didn't think the romance was as compelling as in book one. idk i just didn't buy their feelings for each other as much as i did in the first book.

every gift a curse by caroline o'donoghue 📖 🌟🌟🌟

i don't know how to feel about this one? i'm not the biggest fan of ambiguous endings; they're very hit or miss for me, and this one felt like a miss.

also i'll be real, roe, the love interest, was starting to piss me off. yes, things were resolved by the end, but they were accusing maeve of cheating based on very flimsy evidence, and then when she understandibly was like "if you're going to constantly suspect me of cheating and can't trust me when i tell you i'm not, why are we still together?", they acted like she's the reason they broke up. like sure, she initiated the breakup, but only because you were being a shithead. did you expect her to stay with you throughout your repeated cheating accusations? and then they never even apologized! idk.

other than that though i did really enjoy it.

[cepheusgalaxy]

I... something's weird

My mom started using the pronouns I asked her to a while ago... and it doesn't feel right? Like, probably it is because I'm not that used to it so I need a period of adaptation... but what if it's not? Like, my disphoria did't come that much from pronouns but I still don't wanna use she/her... or do I? Do I really wanna use he/him or I'm just going along with the "boy = he/him" logic??? I've tried they/them some times too... but it felt so bad. But thinking of it now, it may be becaude I always heard it with sarcasm? As a joke. As an insult. I also love my mom, and I know she's trying to help... but she keeps reminding me that its hard to keep up when I change pronouns and it makes me feel guilty... I've kept he/him for now because I thought that's what I wanted? But I'm not sure anymore. And regarding my name... I know I've chosen Heron but is it really the right one? Like... I didn't mind it much but lately i've been feeling so annoyed at it... It's a fine name and I liked it even but not anymore. I guess that's normal? I kind of hate it when certain people use it. And i like these people, a lot. But then theres my dad... He calls me by this name with such affection and I don't feel uncorfotable at all. Every time he calls me I think of that. Should I really change my name at all? I don't wanna hear that hesitation my mom has when she calls me a he. I still like it when my dad calls me by my birthname. Should I change names and have just him call me by that? Should I give up on Heron? Maybe I shouldn't even be worrying about that. I only figured that I was trans a few months ago... it hasn't even been a year. People take a lot of time to figure out that. But I don't wanna wait.

I know I'm trans, but am I in the way I thought I was? I usually have a first thought regarding a thing but then I dismiss it. And all the time I end up coming to that same first conclusion. When I first started questioning I went with lots of "complex" nonbinary genders, what if I was right? Maybe I'm more genderfucked than I first thought.

But I guess I'm afraid too. I'm afraid of labelling myself and exploring because people won't get it. And I know I shouldn't be tinking about anyone but ME when it comes to that but I can't... I'm not exactly out in school. Some of my friends know I have something going on and i "look" kinda queer but I just left things with a "yea im a little bit gay maybe" and I can't help but think that if I label myself with a weird gender nobody will get it and ill just feel even more misunderstood.

I know I'm masc. But how much?

Where does my disphoria comes from? Where does my euphoria comes from? I wish I had the answers and why is it so hard to choose a name

Perhaps I should go with something longer. I also kinda like "international" names. Maybe something with 'a'? To match my birthname. I still like it. Even tho I hate it.

Avalon? Idk what kind of name is this but it sounds great. Amy? Amelie? Is it fine by me if I go by a gendered name? Why is it so hard?

I wish I knew more people like me. Personally. I just feel so lonely. I like to be alone a lot of the time but sometimes I just feel like im never with anyone that gets it. Sometimes I feel like im kind of a bad friend because--along other reasons (im terrible at comforting people or helping when theyre upset...)--sometimes i don't really wanna hang out with them because we barely share any interests. I have this one friend i love to hang out wit because we share the same passions and can do nothing or anythimg together but with my other friends-i like them sm but we don't really connect. They keep saying im gifted or somethinf cuz i can draw, they never shut up about how im oh-so great with art and i do a doodle and theyre like "OH wow what a masterpiece" and im doing an illustration for the sake of it, to feel good for making art, to make my world a little prettier with the colors i chose, decorating my homework or whatever and they all "woah you didn't have to humiliate us" every time! Its annoying! I hate it! We don't share anything, they like doing things that are not completely my thing-i mostly do them for the sake of hanging out with them because i always have such a great time-they have lifes completely different from mine and available at different times. Do you know that "you didn't really have a childhood if you didn't do x or y" meme? I HATE it. Cuz i didn't do x or y. It makes me feel so dismissed. So different. And most of my friends DID do x and y so i don't share that with them. I'm just so tired of being different all the time. I wish I was surrounded by more people like me. Maybe this will sound really gen z but idk what i'd do without social media. I'd prob feel even worse.

And my friends have struggles so different from mine. They don't have nice homes. They had such a troubled childhood. They had different joys too. They had sleepovers, childhood friends they grew up close to and still are close friends to this day and are so comfortable around each other and always went to the same school. I didn't really have this kind of friend because my mom didn't know in what school to put me at the time so i never stayed in one school for more than one year. My most was 2. And they're all cishet. They're all allo-i mean, exept from one. And i am so afraid for her. She goes around using she/her, once she told she'd like to go by he/him, we talked about gender sometimes and we saw that she liked the bigender label but her family is super religious and her therapist is also from her church and does "spiritual healing as well as mental" and she said she was over being bi because christians shouldn' be bi and--anyways i... and i don't know how to help my friends and they have so many problems and they don't know how to help me and i don't really talk about my problems with them and i don't know if i trust then enough to... share it all and i just wish i had more queer friends and people who understood me because i always feel so unseen ;( and lonely. And miserable.

And my mom-i just, and my dad, they are divorced but they keep bringing each other up and long story short theyre driving ne crazy they don't like each other but they can never get along and they keep dragging me and my siblings to their long ENDLESS conversations about the other one and im SO DONE I JUST WISH THEY COULD IGNORE EACH OTHER AND COLABORATE

And were traveling-my siblings me and my mom and everytime we do she always plans out everything but she doesnt really gives us freedom to have free chill time when we're there because everything is just so tightly scheduled planned and thats something really minor but i really need free chill MY tine EVERY DAY to recharge, even if it is from fun, to write, draw, read, do whatever i want-and me and my mom have ideas of fun so different and UGH

And she keeps calling me he and she is technically being supportive and avoiding misgendering me but WHY DO I FEEL SO UNCONFORTABLE?? And i shouldn't be mad at her because she is technically doing the right thing but :( i need to figure things out for myelf, find a support group because I REALLY need to surround with my kind and then tell her how it turns out for me.

I just-it's so hard being fourteen, when will this stop?

[skeppsbrott]

Unfortunately the post you reblogged about the perception of autism as something only cool people have was written by a terf. (I agreed with the post so I checked out op’s blog, got bad vibes, searched “trans” and found ugly stuff real fast)

Hi there anon!

So I've been waffling back and forth about how to reply to this but here is (sort of) where I have ended up:

Terfery is bogus. I don't need to elaborate on this. Terfery was embarrassing, destructive, self-cannibalising and reactionary when I first encountered it in like, 2012. In 2023, amidst a quite frankly astounding and terrifying backlash, even moreso. Socially isolating terfs from fellow feminists, activists, and (possibly) queers is a legitimate tactic of activism and I think it is a quite effective one. You treat our siblings, friends and allies like that while calling yourself a feminist? Go take a long walk off a short pier, mate.

And yet...

I do not really want to recieve messages like this.

I understand the impulse and I think the fact that you go out of your way to send me this underlines something important - we have a culture on this corner of the Tumblr that terfs ain't got no friends. It is not controversial to be like "yo fuck feminists that oppose trans liberation and have a gender-essentialist worldview" and that's unequivocally a good thing. I am glad that you trust my politics enough to send me this. I am glad that my politics shine through enough that I would obviously support your anonymous suggestion (except it is not a suggestion, you just gave me this information to, idk, fill out a bingo card and draw my own conclusions with, but nonetheless).

And yet, I do not really want to recieve messages like this.

I gave up social media activism many years ago. It made me miserable. It made me miserable to be around. It made my spaces of respit miserable and it meant I was always fucking on and I am not saying I am a great activist now but at some point you realize you'll just burn yourself out on that shit when instead you could like, idk, talk kindly to young queers who haven't worked out their internalised shit yet and help people come out of their freshly cracked eggs and support your older queer friends in their quests for parenthood in this wretched world. Make sure that anyone in your social circle knows that if they fuck around with gender essentialism they'll find out real soon but not because you make a big deal out of hating terfs but because you are loud and proud about having declared the old ways of doing gender over and done with. Hopefully?

I don't know. If you are my friend or you've followed me for a long time or we're mutuals or whatever and you see me behave in a way that makes you feel unsafe on my blog I think it is fair to reach out. "Hey, Skeppsbrott, this person you reblog a lot of art from is a quite vocal terf on their main blog and I really wish you wouldn't". "Hey, Skeppsbrott, I think you are being way too charitable to the debate happening on that post you just reblogged. This is my read, I hope you'll reconsider."

That seems actionable to me. Like yeah I probably should pay attention to the politics of people who very often end up in my reblog chains! I definitely should pay attention to the changing rethoric used by gender essentialists! I do not, however, want to spend energy wondering whether every post I reblog might possibly be made by a terf and feel guilty if I perhaps missed one. I also struggle with the anon ask as something that demands a response but which also demands it publicly. Would you have noticed if I removed the post but never replied to your ask? Would you get suspicious if I never DID reply to your ask? I guess part of why making it an anon ask is that the act of condemning terfery in an ask is more potent than removing a jokey and a little mean but nonetheless fair post about autism that got like three hundered notes. No one really suffers from that post, that's kind of the conundrum here. Either way, I am not here to scorch the earth, but then again -

"Hey, Skeppsbrott, this person you reblogged a post from is trying to become a tumblr funnyman so that they can infiltrate more people with transphobic propaganda"? Yeah. I guess that is not so different from what I commented above.

Perhaps at the end of the day I am just really, very, terribly equipped for social isolation tactics. I just can't really bring myself to do it. Call it trauma or poor constitution or whatever. It just brings me this great, deep sadness, where I look at who I was and can't help but wonder what I would have gotten lost in if there hadn't been people who looked me sternly in the eye and said "that's fucked up. Get out now before I too grow to hate you".

Or maybe I am just a coward. That is entirely possible as well. Even quite likely.

Thank you, anon, genuinely. I appreciate it. But maybe next time, don't?

xx

[the-unofficial-village-idiot]

Zombie by the Cranberries by Andrew Jackson Jihad by AJJ by [deadname]

by Mike [Redacted]

“... I don’t believe in anything / And I- I wanna be someone to believe / to believe…” You may recognize that as a line from Mr. Jones by Counting Crows, a band that I don’t even listen to, but I think about that lyric fairly regularly. I think about it because I don’t believe in anything, but I do want to believe. It’s like that cheesy alien t-shirt: “I want to believe.”

If this was a coming-of-age movie, this would be the record-scratch/freeze-frame, “Yeah, that’s me, you’re probably wondering how I got into this situation.” Well, I’ll tell you. I was a practicing Christian until the age of four. I know, I know, just enough time to get sprinkled with holy water but not enough time to eat the wafers. So, needless to say, I didn’t grow up believing in God.

I wanted to, though. I tried praying in fifth grade, but I’m impatient and nothing happened, so I decided not to put too much money on the whole omnipotent-being thing. In sixth grade I got really into Greek mythology. How many of you have read Percy Jackson? Yeah, that was my starting point too. But I told my mom I believed in the Greek gods and she asked me if I actually thought they were real—not in judgment, just in curiosity—and I came to the conclusion that I didn't. I just wanted to believe so bad I could almost feel it.

Like the line from Lies About Sea Creatures by Ada Limón: “Sometimes, you just want / something so hard you have to lie about it, so you can hold it in your mouth for a minute.” That’s what I want, a belief I can hold in my mouth. Something to chew on, to consider. I guess that’s why I’m agnostic. 

I considered believing in something, but I’m uncertain. I don’t like to count my eggs before I put them in the basket, much less before they hatch. What if I’m wrong? I have the guilt of a Catholic with none of the belief; if they’re to be believed, I’ll burn in hell for being queer. My partner recommended I convert to Judaism. I went as far as contacting a rabbi, but I didn’t go through with it. I couldn’t. I can’t cement myself with one singular belief. I’m indecisive.

You might say “Mike, you don’t need religion to have a belief,” and I know that. I know I don’t need religion to have a belief. But I don't have a leg to stand on regardless. I always think about the line from The Great Gatsby, “conduct may be founded on the hard rock or the wet marshes.” I have nothing but wet marshes beneath my conduct and by extension beneath my beliefs.

I’d like to believe humanity is inherently good, but it’s hard not to fall into misanthropy with the daily live-stream of death and destruction, beamed straight to my phone. People are being slaughtered on the news. How can I watch that and think “yeah, humanity is inherently good.” I’ll throw another quote at you, this one from the novel Good Omens: “most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused… by people being fundamentally people.” That I can put some money on; people are people. It’s a bit hard to argue with; people are, by definition, people. The reflexive property, for those of you that know geometry.

You may wonder why I’m throwing quotes at you left-and-right. It’s because I’m no artist. I hear things and I incorporate them into the haphazardly assembled quilt of my worldview. I’m just a kid—I am eighteen years old—and I’m supposed to have a solid worldview? It’s nothing but wet marshes. These quotes are a log I can stand on in the marsh. It isn’t solid, but it’s something.

Maybe I should’ve said that I’m a socialist, but I’ve never read Marx. I’m a lazy socialist, driven by the radical idea that everyone should be given the basic necessities unconditionally. Maybe I’m not a misanthrope. Maybe that’s just a cool word I heard in a Days N Daze song. That’s a band I do listen to, if anyone’s taking notes.

I will call myself a nihilist though. The one thing I’m sure of is that none of this matters. I only bother to keep trying out of perfectionism and a need to make someone—anyone—proud.

I'll even say I believe in Punxsutawney Phil, and in the symbolism of different numbers of crows. Not really, but for the bit. I'm more committed to the bit than to any belief. It's easier if it's a joke. I know the groundhog isn't immortal and can't really predict the weather. I know one crow doesn't foretell sorrow, two don't foretell joy. I pretend to believe for the bit. That's all it's ever been, I pretend to believe to be funny. I pretend to believe in hopes I'll feel something. 

Give me a revelation! Please! If there is a god, strike me down! I know you want to! I'm a queer agnostic! A perfect example! Give me a sign! Please give me a sign.

So, to conclude, I’m a fourteen-years-lapsed Christian with no solid worldview and a patchwork of quotes to hold onto in hopes of someday coming up with something. Something that lets me say “this I believe…” without feeling like a liar.

Just gave a speech called "Zombie by the Cranberries by Andrew Jackson Jihad by AJJ by [my deadname]" about my beliefs and I'm feeling sooooo menatlly ill <3

[aceredshirt13]

bless u for the adachi analysis

it's perfect and i agree wholeheartedly, i was thinking in a very similar sense about all of this - and the fact that someone else put it into words, is great. I also think that it was unintentional from the writers themselves, but it makes so much sense lol. He never struck me as a straight up in incel/misogynist as everyone else puts him as, he didn't hyper focus on it at all outside of the killing. Also additionally, in the animation ( the flashback scene, also - standing at night, in rain outside of Dojima's house wtf lol ) it was shown he grown very attached to Dojima, and felt extremely distraught and jealous when Yu came into the view (it was shown that during the murders he was thinking about this, he was afraid he would not be appreciated/needed anymore +/ "replaced" - also he straight up hated Yu's guts, and when he was shown kindness from him he thought he was pitying him and laughing at his face) - and while of course, it was probably just because of his loneliness and craving for any kind of warmth/attention and attachment issues, i kind of like to pin this to your theory of his sexuality just a tiny bit..

First of all, thank you so much! It was sitting in my drafts for MONTHS and I finally decided, screw it, I'm gonna post it tonight. I'm glad other people like you agree, because I was honestly pretty shocked that few others seemed to have come to the same conclusion, to the point where I was worried I was second-guessing him not actually being that misogynist as denial of bigotry - since let's be real, while I'm well aware he's awful, I wouldn't have put this much time into analyzing and writing about him if I wasn't both interested in his character and also have a soft spot for the sort of tragic villain where it's totally their fault but they've accidentally learned to feel. (And I also fell into the Tumblr sexyman trap and ended up thinking he's attractive and has endearing qualities despite it all. Rip my friends' beliefs in me ever having good taste in men.) So ultimately, I'm glad I'm not completely insane. Persona writers have a real knack for unintentional queer representation.

I've never seen the anime, but I've heard bits and pieces about the Adachi-centric episodes from friends and have REALLY been wanting to watch those as a result - maybe once I get a break from school, I'll be able to (and also watch the Nanako detective episode, of course). And while I'd been told about his jealousy of Yu coming into the Dojima household, I did not know that Adachi was standing outside Dojima's house in the rain. Man. That's rough, buddy.

And, er, well... let's just say should you spot my other Persona reblogs, I certainly don't disagree that his attachment to Dojima also factors into his sexuality, haha. It's something I find particularly interesting, because you'd think that if Adachi viewed everyone he had feelings for the same way he did Namatame, he would have taken the same opportunity to wipe out everyone close to Dojima. It's certainly not as if he didn't have the chance - after all, should the player establish social links with Adachi at night, it's literally just you two with no one else around. If he'd wanted to, he probably could have coaxed Yu somewhere and thrown him in the TV, which depending on whether or not he knows that Yu is after the killer, is something he might be aware would most likely increase the chances of him getting away with his murders. And despite Dojima's grouchy attitude toward Adachi, he clearly cares for him greatly (the tie! inviting him over to eat! the real betrayal in his eyes...), so I wouldn't be surprised if he'd now and then entrusted him with taking care of Nanako - thus opening an opportunity to get rid of her if he so chose. But even though he has these chances, he doesn't take them - doesn't choose to take objects of jealousy away from Dojima. Is it because he knows how much Dojima cares about Nanako and Yu? Is it because he ends up growing to care about the kiddos despite it? Or some combination of both, perhaps? Who knows.

I'd definitely never heard about the bit in the anime you mentioned with Yu trying to be nice and Adachi in his paranoia taking it as mocking and personal slights. This strikes me as especially interesting, because one of my favorite things about Persona is that the fact that the protagonist's friendships and other relationships manifest in literal usable power more or less serves as proof of their existence - proof that that relationship and its closeness isn't false. If it were, how would Yu be able to get power from it? So now I'm really curious how to parse that contradiction - Adachi's hidden bitterness toward Yu and his perceived cruelty, and the fact that should you max out Adachi's social link, you have physical proof that even as he's hiding his crimes and true feelings from you, something in your friendship was real.

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

can i say a sort of pointless rambly thing i was thinking about that i can't put under the cut bc i'm on mobile?

jk, i'm not actually asking. ramble below, not edited for clarity. the following is completely unclear and i will not fix it:

i've been thinking about how part of the reason i'm so chill about caryl is bc growing up as a queer woc 99% of my main ships were like, never gonna fucking happen bc they literally couldn't. it was like, "omg, they gazed at each other from across the room, let's analyze the homosexual subtext of this one scene for the next fifty years, that's not necessarily hyperbole." i've watched all my ships fuck other ppl/have other love interests, and i knew that my thing was never gonna be canon, so to see like, one thing being like, "one half of my ship fucked another person several years ago while pining for the other half of my ship," i'm like...#nice, bc that can and likely will be used as a plot point to get them together later on, whereas in other situations i've been in i just kinda had to deal with it. so my impulse when i see ppl losing their shit is to be like

and to be slightly annoyed, tbh, bc the ship is still on track to be canon, and it's like, literally two white heterosexuals, they're prime candidates for juicy angsty pining that actually gets a resolution.

but!

that being said, i recognize that that attitude isn't necessarily fair. for one thing, i'm not the only queer woc (or some variation thereof) in this fandom, and some ppl's impulse might be exasperation instead, bc like, "wtf, even my mayohet ship has dumb fucking drama," and that's valid as hell, and i get it.

and also, i get that, even if you didn't grow up shipping impossible ships (or mulder/scully, bc that's a brand of bullshit all its own), this has been a suuuuper drawn out process where sometimes it feels like they're legit sprinkling crumbs to keep you hooked, just to play you again, and when you are invested in something, like /rly/ invested, especially if it's a form of escapism or hyperfixation or whatever, that can be e x h a u s t i n g. and i get that. i truly do, and while i make a lot of snide comments about the fandom being bonkers, i do get where the bulk of you are coming from (unless you're one of those ppl who hate on actors and esp actresses for just doing their jobs, and attack them on social media, in which case i am very much judging you and you need to get your life together).

i also realize that in the scheme of things i'm still a newbie. i've been here, what, twoish/threeish years, whereas some of you have been here since the beginning, so i'm not as worn out as y'all. but i also think that gives me a bit of objectivity that some of y'all have (understandably) lost.

my positivity is not meant as a sleight against those of you who are feeling negative, but is more of a semi-objective viewpoint (i say semi, bc lbr, i'm invested af in this, so i definitely have bias), and to me the threads of the storyline they're crafting seem sort of obvious.

like, let's look at it, yeah? they have one season left of this show that has been on for over a decade. they need to cater to everyone to give them a satisfying ending, while still hanging on to carylers bc of the spin-off. darylrreah seems like a very calculated move, bc it gives them both something to make abcers happy, while also creating tension and suspense and pining for carylers (i think they might underestimate just how fed up some carylers are tbh, and are banking on us to hang on for one last ride, which, honestly? if they play it right will probably work.)

if they end up doing a dumb love triangle thing, which, without seeing the episode and gauging the subtext i can't confidently say if i think they will or won't, it will ultimately end in our favor. it has to, bc leah isn't going to third wheel them on the bike in the spin-off. we can say with good authority that whatever that relationship ends up being (again, idk if they'll drag it out or not) it will be temporary. which leaves caryl open to ride off into the sunset and then bone down in every state in the united states and in puerto rico for good measure.

it's a lot of cheap drama, but i really and truly do not think it's anything to worry about, and i still really and truly trust kang to not make it out of character. ik ppl still don't agree with me on that point, and i'm not gonna argue, but to me it really does make perfect sense.

and i also predict that they are gonna play it up hardcore in the promotional shit and talking dead, but when that happens, remember it's bc it gets attention. regardless of where the story is ultimately going, relationship drama gets attention, which gets viewers, which gets amc and twd producers nice and comfy with full pockets

idk. to sum up ig i just wanted to clarify that i don't mean any harm with my relentless positivity. my history in fandom has just made this seem like nothing in comparison, bc while ppl are freaking out, i'm like, "oh damn, they're actually gonna get together by the end of this, aren't they? i didn't know that could happen!" and that makes me excited instead of upset

and you definitely don't have to listen to me. maybe i'm actually wrong. maybe i'm completely full of bullshit and am just good at making things sound confident. i got a lot of As on papers in college over books i never read, i know how to bs. but i also know how to analyze, and i while i will be the first to tell you i am not the best at a great many things, i do know that i am good at critically analyzing text while taking into account the context it was written in, and imho all signs point to canon caryl. when, i'm not entirely sure, but i see it happening. if it doesn't then they severely fucked up their storytelling, and that'd just be bad writing on their part.

(if you want proof that i'm good at reading writers'/producers' intentions, consider that i watched like, 8 seasons of supernatural before giving up, and said to myself, "i think they're gonna make destiel canon, but not until the very last second bc they are rly into catering to their fans but also have to consider their dumb fanboy audience so they can't do anything crazy overtly gay," and guess who hit the nail on the fucking head on that one)

none of this is important, but it was rattling around my mind grapes and i wanted to write it down into something vaguely coherent, and where else better to do it than here. i can word vomit and then send it into the ether and pretend i never said a thing. i love this horrible website, nothing can compare

i have no real conclusion to this, it was mostly stream of consciousness, but i hope it sort of helps y'all understand where i'm coming from, and why i am as chill as i am about things. not about y'all. y'all cause me so much anxiety i get physically sick and have to legit block tags, but with the actual show content i'm zen as hell

uh

the end ig?

it feels weird even signing off on this, but w/e

-diz