#i don't deserve it and it is not fair that it gets in the way so much. i don't wannnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa move thru it.
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Val is angrily pumping a jack to lift a car up when Jay comes running into the garage.
"Val!" She ignores him, unfastening the wheel with rough, jerky movements.
"Val, listen to me—" Jay starts, laying a hand over her shoulder in a bid for her to turn to face him.
She slaps it off, tossing the punctured wheel away with a grunt and a bang. She takes a deep breath.
"You have some nerve," Val shuts her eyes, "to fuck this up so badly."
"He's not answering my texts." Jay paces back and forth behind her, even without seeing it's apparent in the way the air starts shifting abruptly, how his voice travels to her left and right. "I was in the middle of something, a, a family thing and couldn't really answer with a full explanation."
Val focuses on taking deep, calming breaths. She knows that it was a misunderstanding, she does. It was probably a Bat thing, he was probably knee deep in some kind of fight.
"I basically passed out after," Jay continues, pacing and pacing and pacing, "Didn't really fully understand what I sent, I-I—"
That doesn't mean she will play nice when Danny was hurt by it all night, enough to throw himself through the apartment boxes and set everything up, enough to work through the night on that stupid new bike he'll have to build in the Realms, the way it's turning out.
"I texted to, to explain, but he hasn't replied and—"
"Just," Val cuts in, silencing the man and stopping him in his tracks, "shut up."
"I don't know if it was a Red Hood thing," Val starts, voice low and putting up a hand to stave off what no doubt is some kind of exclamation about her knowing, "But if you weren't of sound mind or, I don't fucking know, were in the middle of a shootout—"
"Ninja assassins," Jay breathes out, "I was, uh, getting chased by ninja assassins.."
She pauses, shakes her head.
"If you were in the middle of getting chased by ninja assassins," She growls out, finally facing her wide-eyed boss, "then why didn't you just wait until after to text him back?"
'I…" Jay's face goes that splotchy red again, "I don't…really like to make Danny wait if I can help it."
There's a long silence.
"You're so fucking stupid, are you fucking kidding me?" Val throws up her hands, groaning as she goes to detach the second tire. The angry clanging echoes through the garage.
The garage is actually empty, or she wouldn't have brought up Red Hood at all. The other mechanics went out on lunch, staggering their breaks. Melissa called sick, and there's only a couple cars anyway, light load for a summer day so Val's on her own for another hour.
"Yeah," Jay slumps, flinching when she tosses the old tire with an irritated yell, "Yeah I deserve that."
"He was up all night, unpacking and working on schematics." Val spits out, hefting two new tires up in each arm to attach to the car and finish her up. "His phone was dead, and Sam and Tucker were forcing him to bed when I left an hour ago."
"Okay," Jay breathes out, slow, relieved. "Alright."
"We just got Anita's Mazda, banged up and in need of some TLC." Val tosses a nut at his head. "Work on that, let Danny sleep for a while before you storm our apartment with whatever sappy shit you think will make up for it."
Jay rubs his head, where the nut had hit him, huffing. But he takes off his jacket, heads towards the locker room to no doubt grab some coveralls, mumbling.
"What was that?" Val starts letting the jack down, ready to test the air in the tires.
"I said," Jay pouts, "That we will be talking about the Hood thing later."
Val rolls her eyes. "You are not fucking subtle."
"Red Huntress says what?" Jay snarks, disappearing through the door.
And you know what? That's fair.
Mechanic!Val AU, but make it gay and sapphic.
ya'll can thank the HH discord for this one. Specifically the menace known as @clockwayswrites (and @impyssadobsessions for the art that inspired the damn thing)
Dead on Main and with some future Val/Steph >)
also @belfry-ghost did a doodle for this AU and everyone should go love on his art. Val's so unf.
===
Val’s pretty sure her new boss Jay is actually a crime lord.
She’s pretty sure he’s The Crime Lord, actually. She’s like, 98% sure she works for Red Hood now, and she’s low key mad about it. She squints at the man now, with his white streak and almost imperceptible green sheen to his eyes.
The problem is that Val did perceive it. Because she used to date a guy whose baby blue eyes changed ever so slightly in the same way. Thinking about Danny makes her even madder.
To be clear, she’s not mad about Red Hood himself.
She’s just mad that, of all the mechanic shops in all of Crime Alley, she just had to work for her ex-boyfriend’s third place Hall Pass pick. It also makes her miss her friends way more, and Val is hardly what one would call a well-adjusted woman, so she’s mad about it.
She huffs as she lifts the hood of the second car she’s working on today. Being a mechanic wasn’t really on the docket for Val’s life goals, nor was being in Gotham, but she got a full ticket ride on Wayne Foundation scholarships, and honestly?
Gotham is Amity Park Lite: Gargoyles and Furries Edition.
Between a full ride to Gotham U and being stuck at Elmerton Community College? The choice was easy.
So here she is, working for the resident Crime Lord in his civvies.
Jay pays good, teaches her what she needs to know, and bonus: he sometimes helps with her English Literature class. He’s flexible on hours, and she’s even got rudimentary insurance.
All in All? It could be worse—she could still be working for Vlad, after all.
It's the little things.
#everyone was so distraught about jason fucking up so badly#that it compelled me to read this over and upload it earlier than the self imposed wednesday deadline#to be clear i have the next (and final) chapter already written too#its just that these chapters needed some read overs#and i wanted to space out the updates#im thinking of writing some extra scenes#“deleted scenes” style#bc ive been doing that lately and i find them fun#but idk yet#dpxdc#dcxdp#dp x dc#dc x dp#my writing#danny phantom#dcu#dead on main#danny/jason#danny fenton#valerie gray#stephanie brown/valerie gray#red hood#jason todd#mechanic val au
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lawyer Regulus Black?
writers i gift unto you this idea. someone who knows something about the law please write this cause i don't know shit and i really don't want to do the research, i'll end up studying for the bar. the adhd is WILD.
Regulus "law is a gentleman's profession" Black. Lawyer Regulus Black with a fantastic excuse to wear very expensive perfectly tailored suits every day. who definitely came from money and took advantage with the best schools, a comfortable home etc, but now takes pride in NOT living off the Black fortune, thank you very much. he's still working through some of his privilege.
Regulus Black as a prosecutor who is absolutely out for blood against anyone hurting the vulnerable. he could be rather disapproving of his wild older sibling's best friend. he knows Siri is the more reckless of that pair but they egg each other on! they're going to get into real trouble one day...
Divorce lawyer Regulus Black who is so comforting and kind and thoughtful behind closed doors and absolutely terrifying in the courtroom.
Autistic lawyer Regulus Black who loves the order and rules of the court, and that (hopefully, maybe, generally) we're trying to do the right thing. it doesn't always work but it's all we have, really. lawyer Regulus Black who was raised to work within the system. with some pretty grey morals that he works on over time.
Defense lawyer Regulus Black who really does think everyone deserves a fair trial and representation. one of the few who still say that with real sincerity. he could meet the rest of the skittles more easily that way, be they other lawyers or defendants.
Slightly corrupt lawyer Regulus Black? perhaps finding his way back to being a good person or perhaps pushed into the corruption? AU with the black family having their fingers in the muggle world and its political powers and courts. pick any country you like for this really
Trans Regulus Black who took the education and ran away now that he could take care of himself. transitioning away from his parents and living totally separately, meeting up years later for some legal matter and they don't recognize him at all. but now he's done the therapy work and isn't scared of them any more. Regulus telling the court officer to please make sure Walburga and Orion aren't regularly interacting with any children because he is a mandatory reporter isn't he? "you see now she's scared. cause I know everything about you and I don't owe you loyalty any more"
please take this idea and run with it. i'm already a reggie kinnie but my anxiety is too high and my adhd too bad to end up studying law and that's how i research as a writier
#marauders#regulus black#jegulus#starchaser#sirius black#slytherin skittles#trans regulus#autistic regulus black#sunseeker#james x regulus#jegulus microfic#jegulus fanfiction#regulus x james
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By the end of the hour, Rocker has come to three conclusions:
1) His twin is an idiot.
2) Evan Buckley is an idiot.
3) They deserve each other.
"There's this thing," he says, completely deadpan, "called Talking To Each Other, and you both suck at it."
"Hey!" "That's not fair-"
Rocker ignores their protests. Idiotic protests shouldn't be acknowledged. "You," he started, pointing at Buckley, "told my brother you admire him, started talking about queer people being brave and all that, and marriage... Before you even said I love you?"
Buckley gapes, giving a wonderful interpretation of a fish
He turns to Tommy, whose thick arms are crossed over his chest. "And you, baby bro-"
"-don't call me that-"
"-is so spooked by that that instead of saying stuff like ah we need to slow down you fucking break up? And you felt so bad you called me at four in the morning sobbing and drunk? Luca wants to hear from you later, by the way. You scared him too."
"You can tell him I'm okay."
"Are you really?" Rocker is unimpressed with Tommy's glare. "Again, S.W.A.T. I've been eyeballed by scarier than you, sweet cheeks."
"Screw you."
"Luca's got that covered."
Buckley is watching the twins banter, his big blue eyes bouncing between them. Tommy is assiduously avoiding Buckley, which is stupid, because Rocker can tell that Buck wants to take Tommy back.
Well, if his twin can't get out of his own way, Rocker will have to help.
"Buckley," Rocker says.
Buckley jolts to alertness. "What?"
"My baby bro. You still like him?"
Buckley flushes, but stares at Tommy. "Yeah. Never stopped."
Rocker nods. "Alright. At least that's cleared up." He stands and Tommy does too, as if assuming they're about to go, when Rocker grabs and hoists Tommy over his shoulders in a fireman's carry, before he heads up the loft.
"Buckley, come on!" he shouts.
"The fuck, Donny?" Tommy yells, trying to kick free. Rocker deposits Tommy on the bed and straddles him, pinning his twin to the mattress.
Buckley is gawping from the stairs. "I've had fantasies like that," he says dazedly. "Have you ever-"
"Hell no," Tommy and Rocker both exclaim at the same time.
"Buckley, you have handcuffs? A belt will do in a pinch." Rocker grins when Buckley hands him handcuffs from a box in the closet. "Knew you'd be a little kinky. Tommy always ends up with the naughty ones."
"Donny, don't you dare," Tommy warns. He struggles against Rocker's hold, but it's useless.
Slipping one of the cuffs onto his twin, Rocker glares down at Tommy but speaks to Buckley. "Get in here, kid."
Bemused, Buckley comes to the bed, and is promptly cuffed to Tommy. Rocker gets off Tommy and the bed.
"You two. Cuddle, fuck, whatever. Then talk it out." Still holding down his brother, Rocker rolls his eyes and mutter, "Simplest solution in the world but you gotta be up your own ass about it. I'm gonna put the key downstairs. Tommy, let me know if you're coming home."
Whistling to himself, he jogs down the steps and puts the key on the kitchen island. It's silent up in the loft, but Rocker knows it's because he's still around.
"Have fun, you crazy kids!" he calls out just before he leaves the loft.
Idiots, he thinks. Then he makes plans for dinner with Luca; he doubts Tommy will come home tonight.
"Donny, not today."
"Hell you mean not today," Donovan Rocker pushes his way into his twin brother's house. "You drunk called me, crying about your boyfriend whom you were supposed to introduce to me next week, saying that you broke up 'for his own good', and you think I won't take a couple days off to check on you? Fat chance, fathead."
Tommy groans and drops onto his sofa. "Whatever, man."
"What happened?"
"He asked me to move in with him."
"Tommy that's awesome! You love the guy!"
Tommy cracks open an eye. "Donny, he didn't even tell me he loves me. And I have a fucking house, okay? I have a whole damned house which you are sitting in."
Rocker makes a face. "Did you say that to him?"
"Like that's gonna make a difference." Tommy shuts his eyes and tilts his head back. "Fuck. Fuck all this. At least now he doesn't have to know how shitty I am."
Humming in sympathy, Rocker sits next to Tommy and carefully gathers his twin into a hug. Tommy resists a little at first, but then gives in to lie on Rocker's shoulder, curling his socked feet onto the cushions.
"Sometimes I think Mom should've fought harder to have custody of us both," Rocker says quietly, after a while. "She'd have got that low self-esteem out of you somehow."
"Yeah, well. Wishes and horses."
Rocker kisses the top of his twin's head. "I'll stay here tonight, baby bro. Seems like you need someone in your corner."
"I'm only eight minutes younger," Tommy grumbles, but he doesn't chase Rocker away; his arms wrap more tightly around his twin, pretending it's not a different body he wants in his embrace.
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I do not think evangelizing on the double standard of women being expected to wear makeup everyday to grown women is actually productive or respectful (provided they are not judging me for not wearing makeup), we can all make our own decisions on how to walk through this world, however, it is true that whenever a woman in my daily life equates making themselves decent and presentable with having a coat of natural makeup on, I do have to viscerally repress the urge to shake them by the shoulders and scream that they've been had.
#to be clear this is not me being against makeup or even against wearing it everyday!#i know it's an important part of self-expression for lots of people and also an accomplishment to have excellent makeup#this is specifically about my roommate who will constantly say things like#'and I completely forgot that I had to pick up a shift at the bar and I had to SCRAMBLE to get my makeup done'#or my mom who doesn't feel like going to work is even an option without a light coat of mascara#it just makes me internally go feral#i can get behind loving makeup as an addition#though I never will bother#but there's so much evidence around me of women who see makeup as a necessity and it just makes my skin itch like#like the world does not deserve that from us. truly.#if men don't have to we don't have to and it genuinely just eats me up inside when I hear makeup equated to personal hygiene.#like no it's Not Fair that you don't feel right leaving the house without makeup!#I'm sorry that you feel that way#i wouldn't say that to someone's face in real life bc that's condescending#but I do think that in a just world no woman would feel lazy for leaving without makeup
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as of ten minutes ago we are officially Jobless™️. my sign to retire early and devote the remainder of my existence to writing toxic old man yaoi
#pennforyourthoughts#personal#someone rb this with silly tags i feel it deserves some levity#warning: novel-length tags lmfao#THEY TOLD ME TODAY MY LAST DAY IS FRIDAY? that's only two whole workdays for me HELLO??#knew it was coming bc they let my friend go two weeks ago and he had more seniority than me but jfc#at least let me ride out the contract till november. WHY. i JUST went back to uni i need money goddamn it#full disclosure tho i haven't been able to stop laughing bc so much of the surrounding circumstances are insanely funny to me#1) i was LITERALLY at a job fair yesterday and I almost considered not going bc I was so damn tired#surprisingly made some really great connections so ty universe now i have people to poke in the coming months#2) i switched from part time to ft course load at the last second and have been regretting it ever since but if im to be unemployed then#MAYBE now I can actually handle the uni workload :D#3) when my boss called me she asked how ive been and i told her i was sooo sick last week and got into a car accident#that same day omw back from uni (universal karma for skipping class for my health ig)#THE WAY SHE PAUSED ON CALL IS SO FUNNY IN RETROSPECT. was prolly thinking fuck. now i have to add to this#she literally went “omg im so sorry...anyways i have bad news”#im not even lying when i say i was GIGGLING through that whole call she was so concerned#love her bc she genuinely tried to fight for me and is the reason i wasn't let go two weeks ago but man. the timing is impeccable#also don't think i get any unemployment benefits bc i was temp contract and my situation as a whole is a bit complicated so YAY :DDD#the way i ran to my bestie to spill the tea & we're over here like 🤝 fired buddies 🤝 time to speed run job interviews while juggling uni
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I know, right? Like, these motherfuckers think it's cool to just 'hate' on a character. Do they realize the character is meant to be written that way? Like, guess what: the world doesn't revolve around you (the haters). Being rude too someone is not cool. It does not make you seem cool. Hating on somebody is not fucking cool, it is shitty and pathetic. It does not make you seem like the coolest person ever, it makes you sound like an asshole and a dickbag.
Harassing someone is not cool, either. If you don't have anything nice too say, don't say anything at all. That's a rule I go by. Kat poured her heart and soul into her writing and people shitted all over the female characters. What about the males?
'Oh, Ruin killing billions upon trillions of innocent people is okay because he 'stopped something bigger' from happening'? Oh yeah definitely (sarcasm) ����. 'Oh, Bloodmoon hurting Earth is okay because he was made too kill'. Yeah, sure it is, buddy 🙄 like, are we forgetting what Moon did? He abused Sun. But nooo, everyone glazes past that. I love Moon, but goddamn, you guys are oblivious!
Oh, and don't get me STARTED on the Earth and Pollux hate. Earth being a tool and walked all over is okay because she's a 'woman'? But the moment she is even a little selfish, people shit all over her character because they are pathetic little assholes who don't care about people. At least people who apologize for hating have some HUMANITY. People are shitting on Pollux as well, because she was acting 'childish' and being a 'hypocrite'. Whilst the hypocrite thing is true, she doesn't understand basic emotions, you can't expect her too know. Women get so hated on...like, stop being sexist!
If you childish ass fuckers think that you can get away with this, you are so fucking wrong. All you children who are immature? Get mature. Or leave this community. GET A LIFE. TOUCH SOME GRASS. DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN SHIT ON CHARACTERS. If you wake up every morning and think 'wow, time too hate on anyone who doesn't share my opinion' then you can go unfollow me. 'A little sensitive too getting blocked, so maybe don't do that. But please, if you're a hater, unfollow me.
It is genuinely not fair. Kat is living in a hell you haters created. She has a right too quit. Nobody can blame her. If I see any of you miserable fucks doing that, I will personally call you out and then block you. Nobody deserves too go through that shit. You haters are the reason she quit. You are responsible for this.
Thank you for reading.
Genuinely
If you think it’s funny or cute to harass Queenkatluv or mock her for stepping away from a fandom that has gone out of its way to make her feel unwelcome
Block me. I don’t want to see you. Unfollow me immediately. You are not welcome in my community
Kat is a wonderful writer, and voice actor, and extremely sweet and kind and the VAs stuck their necks out for me when I was being harassed for months on end. None of the VAs deserve the shit this fandom puts them through, and it’s this fandom’s fault that she is leaving. She already left the discord, she abandoned her askbox. She is now being harassed in her personal DMs on Twitter.
This is bullshit.
You do not belong in this community if you think this is acceptable behavior.
#not apologizing for reblogging this#idrc if you got uncomfortable#the only thing im saying is facts.#and to the haters: get a life.#i dont care if this offended you.#stop cyberbullying#and get a life.
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I love the way you write and FFS is my favourite fic of yours. It was very healing and comforting watching a character go through such a difficult mental health journey. It made me feel less alone. Ef has motivated me to keep going on because things can always get better.
I just wanted to say thank you very much, and I hope you rest as much as you can while you're on break. (P.S. I am super excited for Constellations!! When you mentioned Leo in the last chapter I was like YES! They're still friends!)
Hi anon
I'm so glad you enjoy Falling Falling Stars, it was such a huge undertaking but it was so cathartic even writing it and sharing it at the time, I think it's been pretty humbling honestly that so many folks have brought so much of themselves and their lives to this story, and connect with it and the characters in it.
Efnisien is pretty awesome as a character as a vehicle of 'it sucks and you might even have done bad things but you're still allowed to have good things and you can always improve / better yourself' etc. I used to get a few 'I've never done anything like Efnisien but I relate to him' and my thoughts on that have always been that many of us know what it's like to feel like the worst, even if we've relatively never done anything that bad at all. And it's hard to recover from that feeling, but...perhaps seeing how someone who has been literally the worst is doing it might help.
We all deserve a redemption narrative, even the people who didn't need redeeming in the first place.
#asks and answers#falling falling stars#efnisien ap wledig#i mean to be fair many of us have done bad things without knowing#or without realising how bad they were at the time#and then have to process and deal with that later#i feel like i'm a criminal if i just get angry at someone and it's not deserved so#dsalkfjdsa#i am trying to rest!#toby is being neutered/desexed tomorrow so i actually expect the next 10 days to be quite stressful#and in some ways i'm very glad i *don't* have to write today or tomorrow etc.#i'm still not recovered from my burnout yet so i'm just like#chin-handing and thinking about the future and writing a lot
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there is a deeply seeded shame at the center of my soul. and honestly that's cringe as fuck lmaooooooooooooooo can we just Root It Out already it's embarrassing that it's been there so long
#narrates#im making progress but im like a fucking cat in a harness about it.#it's so frustrating because I feel like I don't have shame about most things? including things other people consider deeply shameful#but that small percentage of things that I do find shameful. man. can we start killing. i know who put that shame in me. it was not me.#i don't deserve it and it is not fair that it gets in the way so much. i don't wannnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa move thru it.#swagever. ill deal with my issues. in a HEALTHY way now
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We need to start treating bad writing like bad art and im not kidding
#now theres a lot more nuance to this#because “bad writing” is SUPER general#so i have to add a disclaimer#i dont mean propoganda. i dont mean biased and biggoted#i mean writing decisions u dont like!#ppl are very quick to just sit there and shit on writers#its okay to not like an ending. its okay to not like how a character was treated#and its okay to be mad about it if u like them very dearly#but at the same time sometimes we're a little too mean.#and sometimes they deserve it#but sometimes it's a little mean#this is. in truth. because of the lumine ending#on webtoon#its pissing me off how ppl are getting super upset and being rude to kabu#even tho so many ppl are explaining its because she grew out of the story. she didnt have passion for it anymore#she gave us an ending! you dont have to like it but stop acting like just because she COULD write more that she HAS to write more#art is tiring. sometimes you lose passion for it. sometimes you dont do it perfectly#sometimes your idea of good isnt the same as someone else's#i dont like romance for example. several tropes will turn me off it#but some ppl do#sometimes you make a pretty shitty plot or make plot holes#and yeah those arent super great to read!!! but a story is an art. its all different#its not all good and its not all bad#its made from a persons head therefore it'll reflect a person in a way#i just think its important to remember that writers are not machines#artists and writers aren't actually as different as everyone treats them#we're all making art. we're all making mistakes. i just think we should be a little nicer about it#its okay to criticize. but can we be nice about it#also i dont like the “professional author” argument#picasso was a famous artist his paintings are in meuseums and there's still people who don't like his art. i dont think its fair to go
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Just saw this comment on a story posted a month ago.
*cries in Eddie Munson Solo Series no one wanted to read, interact with or request for*
No shade to the person that commented this on their own fic if you recognize it. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them. More crying in the tags.
#and no I didn't tag the solo series like I normally would because it's not about THAT. It's not about trying to get people to read it#It was just really ouchie to see the same concept I wrote 2 years ago get triple the notes in ONE MONTH.#and double the notes of my solo series masterlist in general in one month vs 2 years of my stories sitting there rotting#Then I see people saying they need more solo Eddie and I'm just here like my dudes I begged for requests. BEGGED. But bc I wasn't#/have never been a popular writer people don't want it from ME. It's like omg we want THIS but not like that. Not from you.#Can't help but let it get you down when nothing has changed in 2 years. It's not like I worked my way up and have the interaction now#that every other blog I used to commiserate with back in the day is getting currently. Fandom isn't a competition but it's not fair either#and I really struggle with that a lot of the time#Also yes I will concede I should be happy with the notes on the solo series because they are the highest of all the work on my page but#they're still nothing compared to what some people have just hours after posting a new story.#I saw someone complaining the other day that there are less new stories in the fandom than ever 1. That's simply not true. 2. Even if it wa#can you blame writers for giving up when readers are checking the same popular blogs over again or reading the same 5 tropes the same#2 pairings over and over. The same series? Over and over. Ignoring everything else and then complaining that their faves don't post enough?#That the popular writer with the incredible series (that rightfully deserves interaction) hasn't posted a new dad!eddie or rockstar!eddie#drabble in ages meanwhile there are writes out there pouring their souls into dad!eddie and no one reads it. There is so much rockstar Eddi#smut out there that it could sustain a brand new reader for an entire year before they needed a new fic#Idk man. I'm just feeling so defeated. I write for fun now. But there was a point in time where I desperately tried to build a platform by#offering requests and writing a lot of things I would not otherwise write to try and gain traction on my page and every time I see another#food fucking fic get hundreds of notes I get so sad that I wrote that stupid Melon fic because I had people in my life that told me#they would be excited to read it and for what? One of them still talks to me. The others moved on so fast. Most didn't even reblog it.#Some of them have since written their own food fucking fics that got triple the notes of my OG. Again. No shade to them. I don't own the#concept. It's just disheartening and fucking sad above all else. How hard I tried to get people to LIKE me and my stories. 😂#Just sad hours in general tonight my guys. Going to go and pour the bad feelings into Aftermath and then maybe make a bad life choice and#pour all my savings into an ipad#YES I KNOW first world problems. I know. That's why I try not to talk about it bc it seems so petty considering the state of the world#But you can't help what gets you down#EMMs Journal#EMM's Journal
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going crazy about kaz brekker hours
#HE'S JUST *screams into a pillow*#Inej wants him to be better she NEEDS him to be better and shed his armour and be emotionall vulnerable and honest to her#and every time he tries it life delivers a right hook into his solar plexus and knocks him to hell and back#and time and time again he is made to come to the incorrect conclusion that being vulnerable and soft and caring about anyone ever#is a mistake and a weakness that he isn't allowed that he doesn't deserve#and his only way of getting what he wants and keeping the people he loves safe is if he becomes something that can't love them#like life just continues to punish him for having any kind of feelings#and he can only love them if he kills the part of himself that loves them. like COME ON MAN#i'm literally unwell about this kid (KID HE'S FUCKING 17 LET HIM LIVE)#someone sedate me (well actually don't i need to start reading CK tonight)#Kaz I Am Ruin And Ruination Brekker#and it's so tragic because he has come such a long way during SoC and when Inej asks him to be hers you know he can't do it. he would like#to but he's unable of it like his walls are still built up so high.#and it's fair of her to ask because she needs that and keeping her always at arms length is not viable of Kaz but also that's all he can#currently give her. that's his all and it's not enough and my heart is breaking for them ohmygod#they make me think so much of felonies love square I'LL EAT GLASS#okay. anyway. finished six of crows. i'm normal about them.#mia's reading
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Hi! I just read your post about Mateo recently. If I may, can you give me any specific instances in the narrative of the show where Mateo isn’t called out as heavily as they should have? I’m just curious?
During the Shuriki returns arc in particular, Mateo makes some pretty glaring mistakes that I feel like he should've gotten much more flack for (and based on what we see elsewhere in canon, I feel pretty confident that if Gabe, Naomi, Isa, or Esteban at least --and possibly even Elena-- had made these mistakes, they wouldn't have been swept under the rug nearly as quickly as they were for Mateo).
While it's unfair to completely blame Mateo for Carla's manipulating him during the "Rita" arc, I feel like it's reasonable to hold him a *bit* accountable. He did after all blab highly confidential information (on more than one occasion) to try and impress a pretty girl with how clever and important he was. (Something tells me that if any of the others had done likewise, they would've been called out for it. But because it's "beloved" Mateo, we don't even get "wait, you told Rita how to get into your workshop? And you've known her for only a few weeks? What were you thinking, Mateo?") Moreover, he never even apologizes for this or promises to do better/be more careful with such important, sensitive information in the future.
Even more aggravating is his behavior in "The Scepter of Night." Mateo is so eager to play the hero and claim all the glory for himself that he twice (!) disobeys a direct order/abandons the plan and goes looking for the scepter piece on his own. This directly leads to Fiero and Victor finding the scepter piece and (temporarily) stealing it. And it's really only due to luck and very conveniently-timed infighting amongst Shuriki's allies that Elena and co. are able to get the scepter piece back. While Mateo does receive some (brief) criticism, it's nowhere near the level that it should be.
Also noteworthy Elena doesn't really get particularly "mad" at him (especially considering how angry we see her get at other characters even for more minor things) . She's not truly, actually angry at Mateo (and Gabe and Naomi are only a bit angrier); she's just a little frustrated and disappointed at him in the moment. And apart from a (very short) little "do better next time" speech, Mateo doesn't face any real consequences or lingering resentment unlike other characters who do.
When Isa obeys direct orders in "Sister of Invention," she has to face consequences (Elena grounding her). Similarly, Elena holds a grudge against Esteban for days (if not weeks) after he interfered with the Feast of Friendship (a much lower stakes mistake than Mateo's imo). Moreover, it's possible to interpret Esteban's staying behind in Avalor when the others go to see the Norberg Lights as a punishment (either self-inflicted or imposed by Elena) for his actions in the previous episode.
In contrast, Mateo just gets a brief "I expected better from you" speech from Elena and Gabe jokingly assigning him push-ups as punishment (which he immediately takes back when Mateo tries to do them). I'll give Mateo a little bit of credit for actually apologizing this time (which he doesn't always do). But it's still frustrating that everyone is so ready to forgive and forget Mateo's missteps immediately while this same courtesy is seldom shown to others.
I think it's worth directly comparing a few Mateo-centric episodes with a few more similar ones that focus on other characters so that we can see how there does seem to be a noted narrative bias in his favor compared to the others.
Let's start with two "feeling kind of insecure" episodes: "Spellbound" for Mateo vs. "Naomi Knows Best" for Naomi. In the former, Mateo expresses doubt that he's capable of rising to the occasion as royal wizard. No one (except Gabe and he gets over it by the end of the episode) blames him for not having reached his full level of confidence and potential right away and not being able to immediately solve the problem. And Elena in particular (and by extension the narrative) gives him so much validation and support. Whereas in "Naomi Knows Best" (and to a lesser extent "Finders Leapers" and the "Carla-as-Rita" arc as well) the narrative "punishes" Naomi for her feelings of self-doubt. We're told that *if only* Naomi had trusted her gut instincts and stood her ground right away, Elena and co would not fallen right into the trap and that Naomi needs to screw her head back on straight and embrace confidence ASAP to fix her mistake.
When Mateo feels insecure, the narrative gives him every reassurance about how capable and special he is, that he can learn at his own pace, and his insecurity isn't really such a problem after all. When Naomi feels insecure, the narrative encourages her to get over her doubts as quickly as possible because unlike with Mateo, there's "no time" for her to wallow in self-doubt and actually the fact that she even had said doubt in the first place is what "caused" the disaster.
On a slightly different note, Naomi is also called out for taking a little free, fun time for herself in "The Last Laugh" when the group needs her, and yet somehow I have a feeling that Mateo would've been allowed to take a day off if he wanted without any protest. He complains about long hours in "Movin' on Up" and Elena gives him the big royal wizard's chambers for him to relax and unwind in. Naomi asks for one (1) day off to spend with her childhood friend for her birthday , and suddenly it's big drama. (And at the time, Naomi asked for said day off, all Elena needed from her was help doing paperwork. The Team Ash stuff came up unexpectedly.)
Similarly whenever Gabe and Mateo get their little rivalry on ("Spellbound," "Party of a Lifetime," "Captain Mateo" and a few other examples) , the narrative either presents them as equally at fault or Mateo as the only one in the right.
When Gabe brings in Bronzino to train the Royal Guards in magic, it's specifically because Mateo failed to explain how and why he was training the guards in the way he was. If he'd just explained how they were going apply the seemingly basic exercise they were doing to real magic, Gabe likely would've allowed Mateo to continue the training at his own pace.
(Also like. it's super hypocritical imo for Mateo to get annoyed at Gabe feeling impatient/impulsive about their apparent-lack-of progress when Mateo himself is easily the second most impulsive character in the show after Elena.) Mateo feels entitled to keep important information to himself (or blab it to a cute girl he barely knows) even when its no one else's best interest. He's only okay with being "cautious and patient" when he specifically is the one setting the pace. And yet, Gabe is the only one who is called out for his behavior in this episode--even though he might not have acted as he did if only Mateo had trusted him and the guards with an explanation in the first place.
And then there's just a few other "dude not cool" little moments that never really get acknowledged/Mateo never apologizes for. For instance, there a two low-key terrifying Mateo moments in "Captain Mateo" that are not only not acknowledged but are also framed in context as Mateo being just "so funny and quirky". Near the end of "Should be in Charge," Mateo magically gags Gabe so he can't protest anymore about Mateo taking over as leader of the mission. And this is after having already enchanted one of the stationary suits of armor to come to life and fight Gabe. (Gabe admittedly does lightly shove Mateo out of the way during his parts of the song, but that's still a far cry from literally drawing a sword on Mateo as Mateo does via magic to Gabe.)
It's played for laughs (The Grand Council is just smiling happily in the background throughout the scene which is so yikes), so it's easy to overlook what's actually happening. Frankly, it's pretty horrifying that Mateo's natural instinct upon his experience/authority being questioned is to literally attack and then silence. (And attack and silence someone who is supposed to be one of his best friends and closest allies at that!)
Rather than the narrative acknowledging that maybe it's a bad idea to immediately grant power to someone to someone who is so retaliatory against fairly minor criticism, the Grand Council just gives Mateo exactly what he wants and doesn't even offer a "maybe next time, let's not gag or attack our friends, okay?" alongside it. I mean sure Mateo does step down as captain at the end of the episode, but it's very specifically presented as his and Gabe's voluntary choice and not an order from Elena/the Council.
#elena of avalor#eoa salt#it's not mateo that bothers me so much; it's the double standard that nearly every other character is held to while he is not#gabe is the only one who ever seems to call mateo out on his shit regularly#and most of the time; it's framed as petty jealousy and/or gabe being unreasonable#even when gabe is the one talking sense#i feel like i've heard that mateo is one of the writers' faves and dang does it SHOW!#we were owed a dark mateo arc tbh#mateo thinks he's the next alacazar but I don' think it would be all that hard to turn him into the next fiero instead#it writes itself and honestly i would've liked him more that way#instead of just presenting him is as the specialest; cutest; quirkiest magical boy instead#let him go dark for a short time before realizing his mistakes and then have to work hard for everyone's forgiveness#esteban has to sacrifice his life in order to earn forgiveness for an (admittedly huge) mistake he made 40+ years ago#yet it's apparently too much for mateo to get more than the mildest rebuke over a (also big) mistake he made less than an hour ago?#also like whenever esteban or gabe are really proud/cocky or naomi gets single-episode acquired situational narcissism in “my fair naomi”#the narrative absolutely punishes them for it#whereas mateo is free to be as over-confident and braggy and vain as he wants and seldom gets called out on it#because i guess he's genuinely as 'cool and special' as he claims so he deserves the right to brag?#whereas the others' apparently aren't and don't?#anti mateo de alva
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The voice in your head is lying to you :'( you matter!! <3
thanks, hon...i'm trying so hard to believe that and it's probably the biggest flaw in myself
#and why i relate to alan so much lol my self hatred is so deeply rooted#cursed with needing validation and never believing it when i get it#out of what i don't know#like why am i afraid to be a good person and to matter#cause it's easier not to?#cause it doesn't hurt as much when people think of me in such a terrible way?#or cause i don't want to admit when things aren't fair to me cause i deserve better?#idk i'm just a broken mess right now
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I'm so fucking sick of my brain
#mud rambles#I've been having A Time recently because my bpd wants me to fucking suffer#having an fp is so nice until it's not#my jealousy issues are fucking ridiculous and while I'm doing good at keeping it My problem.#I can feel myself starting to self isolate in the process#I wish my brain would just stop. Like it's not fair for me to be jealous like this. I have no reason to be and it's stupid#on one hand it's nicer because of it not having to Constantly wonder and worry about what he's doing and what's going on since I'm more#Involved now in a general sense. but as a caveat it feels More isolating a lot of the time since I get less one on one time#and I KNOW part of that is due to the fact he's. y'know. got a Life. He's got things going on. So it's not fair for me to be like this#I hate how frustrated and lonely it makes me feel. because I SHOULD feel more secure#I am much more generally involved now!!! WHY does it feel more isolating to me!!! what the fuck!!!#and a lot of this is my inability to reach out. I'm afraid of asking for more#he's so good at making me feel included it's not fair for me to feel this way#it's my fault for being hesitant. always hesitant. I don't want to make the mistake of thinking I deserve more#or that I'm wanted when I'm not#It's so hard to tell and I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I can't fucking take it man
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British publishers seem to have a strange habit of classifying nineteenth century French novels as children’s books (a nebulous category I know- children are often more than capable of reading so-called ‘adult’ books but I find it odd nonetheless).
Jules Verne is the first one that springs to mind, but the one that always confuses me is ‘The Three Musketeers’. Yes it’s got all the swashbuckling ingredients that make up a good boys’ own story, but I’m really not sure that it’s strictly a ‘children’s’ classic.
This brought to you by the fact that I’m trying to sort all my other Dumas books into order when I realised that the ‘Three Musketeers’ wasn’t among them, even though it’s part of a wider ‘series’, the other books of which are in my ‘adult’ books. But because my copy of ‘The Three Musketeers’ was part of a set of ‘children’s classics’, it’s languishing in a box somewhere, alongside The Railway Children and the Secret Garden (great books both, but very different in tone I think). I don’t want to break that set up but I also don’t see why the story of Milady de Winter is more child appropriate than the Count of Monte Cristo.
#I should go back and reread Musketeers but even as a 9 year old I knew something stank about the treatment of Milady#And if it had been wrapped up as an adult book I would have been able to engage with the story and analyse it with the complexity it deserve#But the fact it's packaged up like a book for little children left me confused instead of intrigued as a kid#You could make the argument that any swashbuckling adventure story is for kids but I'm a Scot and I have to repudiate that strongly#Otherwise Scott and Stevenson- though not inappropriate for children either- would be left out in the cold#Why is it acceptable to do that to the French#To be fair Ivanhoe sometimes gets treated like a kids' book#Interestingly Waverley almost never is but that might just be because it's less popular nowadays#Kidnapped and Ivanhoe are both appropriate for kids in my opinion and so are most adventure stories don't get me wrong#Kids are pretty bright and ok so sometimes they're not ready for certain things but that's really up to them as readers#But if there was ever an adventure story that might have been more aimed at adult readers#I have to feel that it's the Three Musketeers#It's definitely a pattern with French translations in particular I think#Though some of the racism in the Lost World (also part of the children's classics set) also seems rather dubious#I don't know much about literature by the way it's not really my speciality so there may be reasoning#And I know that the concept of 'children's books' is a really vague and silly one#I just think it's odd that certain work by French authors tend to get lumped together under that label
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My parents should be fuckin ashamed
#you borrow 80 bucks then can only find me 21 back then i put that 21 into good for your kids then spend the rest of my paycheck getting#diapers pull ups medicine more food for kids and then i fill up the 15 passenger van and then when dad asks why i don't have money to eat#on my lunchbreaks at work like I'm some over spending wild irresponsible bitch when he's the one going to concerts and paying for fancy dat#s and jewelry for his gf and buying groceries for her but you know it's fine#take all my time and energy#so that i literally am a zombie and fall asleep on the very very very limited free time i get#(after doin extra chores to earn said free time)#wo that i fall asleep half way in which isn't fair to my partner and isn't fair to me#take all my income so i cant afford anything#take all my time#take all my energy#YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED YOU GROOMED ME AND MESHED THE FAMILY'S ENTIRE LIFE STYLE FOR ME TO BE LIKE THIS#I CANT MAKE HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS BECAUSE I JUST CAN NOT FUNCTION IF I'M NOT GIVING EVERYTHING TO SOMEONE#IT SUCKS I HATE IT#THEY'LL NEVER ADMIT THEY FUCKED ME OVER#EVER#THEY'LL NEVER DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT OR CHANGE#AND I HAVE NO HOPE FOR ANY CHANGES#MY LITTLE SIBLINGS SEE WHAT I DO FOR THEM AND THEY HUG ME AND TELL ME HOW MUCH THEY LIVE ME#'thank you so much for taking care of us' that tell me all the time 'you do so much for us'#it breaks my heart i wish i could give them the world i love them so much they deserve so much better#my mom lost her chance to be decent my dad better learn soon otherwise all his kids minus his favorite will hate him#i love ny parents#and i know they live me and my siblings#but they groomed me into the most miserable personification of elder daughter syndrome and they should be ashamed for what they've done#and be ashamed that they sucked so bad that they're own child had to step up
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