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#i don't WANT TO BE OR BE PERCEIVED AS AVOIDANT.
queenshelby · 3 days
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Daughter Dearest (Part Eight)
Pairing: Cillian Murphy (47) x Step! Daughter (21)
Warning: Infidelity, Smut, Dysfunctional Family
Tag List will be updated soon! Please comment and engage!
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After Cillian disappeared, you managed to pull yourself back together and went upstairs to shower off the sweat that still permeated your body, but thinking about what you had just done and experienced with him, the anger inside you flared up again.
How could he have just left you like this after  what you both had just done together?
You expected him to stay, kiss you some more, prolong that intimacy for just a little longer, but instead, he just vanished, and it was hard not to think that he was ashamed of what happened.
Ashamed that he had just slept with his stepdaughter.
The guilt he must have felt though was one of the things that drove you even more towards him. But the shame and the cold apathy he displayed after everything was heartbreaking and frustrating.
You felt used and discarded, as if you were nothing more than a quick release to a deep craving he had and, with that on mind, you quickly finished  washing up before wrapping yourself in your towel.
You rushed out of the bathroom, hoping to avoid seeing Cillian before you could get dressed in the privacy of your bedroom and whilst you had considered to confront him, you quickly shook of that idea after realizing that it would be a waste of both of your time as he seemed to have made up his mind about the whole ordeal already. 
"Fuck," you cursed to yourself before slamming the door to your bedroom shut and leaning against it, closing your eyes and taking long, deep breaths.
Your heart hammered in your chest, and the aching throb from the aftermath between your legs reminded you of what had just transpired.
It made you wonder if that was just a dream - how could something so forbidden, so intense feel so right?
Anger overtook your emotions again, causing you to pick up a box of photographs you took before throwing it across the room. 
You breathed deeply and looked around the bedroom, surveying the damage. The box had shed its contents on the floor, but you didn't care and slumped on to your bed instead, which is when you heard a knock on the door.  It was soft, hesitant but still perceivable. You hesitated for a moment, considering whether to respond or pretend you weren't there. But eventually, curiosity got the better of you and you called out a cautious, "What do you want?" 
The door slowly creaked open, and Cillian stepped into your room. 
"I just wanted to talk ," he said quietly, his eyes downcast. He looked vulnerable, almost like a lost little boy.
You remained silent for a while, looking up at him and feeling a rush of conflicting emotions. You wanted to scream at him, to tell him how hurt you were by his actions. But at the same time, you couldn't deny the deep connection you felt towards him.
"You could have talked to me downstairs instead of running away," you said finally, breaking the silence.
Cillian looked up at you with a pained expression. "I know and I am sorry, but I am just confused," he admitted. He took a hesitant step towards your bed before sitting down on it, by your side.  "I haven't been happy for years, but I...," he trailed off.  "I..." he gasped before finally finding the words. "I am sure you agree that, all things considered, this was a huge mistake Y/N," he said in a low voice. "You are my fucking stepdaughter," Cillian said, struggling with his emotions as he looked at you, lying in your bed.
"Yes, it's wrong Cillian. I agree. But I do not agree that this was a mistake," you  disagreed, looking at him steadily. "I preempted this and I think you did too, so how could you call this a mistake?  We both came into this with our eyes wide open," you whispered, reaching out to touch his hand. "Despite, I don't want to think of my first time with a guy as a mistake," you said, causing Cillian's chin to drop.
"Your first time?"  Cillian repeated, his voice barely above a whisper. His hand moved to cover yours, entwining his fingers in yours as he looked at you with confusion on his face. "Why didn't you tell me?"  Cillian asked softly, squeezing your hand gently.
"I don't know," you replied, your gaze dropping to your lap. "I guess I didn't want to ruin the heat of the moment. Despite, it's not that I am a virgin. I just never had sex with a guy. Only girls," you mumbled, feeling vulnerable and exposed under his gaze.  You looked at Cillian, who was still holding your hand and could tell that he was slightly taken aback.
"I shouldn't have left you like I did Y/N. I am sorry ," Cillian said, trying to make amends. "I just, fuck..., I wanted you so much and it scared me," Cillian confided in you.
His gaze drifted to the ground momentarily before meeting yours again. You could tell that he was struggling with his guilt, and that he truly did care for you.
"I know and I feel the same, but we did what we did, and we can't change it now," you whispered back. "So lets please agree that this wasn't just a stupid mistake, but rather something we chose to do, realising that there would be consequences." 
Cillian nodded, his eyes still focused intently on yours. "Alright, but what now?" he asked. "How do we move forward from this?"  Cillian asked, his voice barely above a whisper as he searched your eyes for an answer. "Because we both know that this cannot happen ever again," he told you and you took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"I don't know," you admitted, sighing deeply until Cillian spoke up again. "What do you think?" you asked.
"Well, maybe it's best if we pretend that this didn't happen and that we did not cross that line," he told you reluctantly, knowing that this would be for the best 
You nodded, but you looked unsure. "Is that really what you want?" you asked gently.
"I think it would be for the best Y/N ," he replied silently and gravely. His face had tightened, making his sharp features even more prominent and, for a moment, you saw something akin to pain flicker through his eyes before he averted his gaze.
You nodded again, but you couldn't help but feel that this wasn't the end of the story. That there was more to come, and that the tension between you was far from resolved.
"Okay, let's do that," you thus told him. "Come tomorrow we will never speak of it again," you added and, for a short moment, there was an awkward silence that hung in the air between you two as you both realised what you had done.
"Alright, from tomorrow then, this never happened," he whispered before caressing your face gently with his fingertips. "Which means we still have tonight though, right?" he whispered,  his lips brushing against yours as he spoke, sending shivers down your spine.
You nodded, unable to find words in response. All you wanted to do in this moment was kiss him, touch him, get lost in his intoxicating presence once more.
"Then, let's make the most of it," he said, his voice thick with desire.
He pulled you closer, his lips crashing onto yours in a fiery kiss, his tongue demanding entry into your mouth. Your hands instinctively went to his hair, pulling him closer as you deepened the kiss.
Your tongues danced together, and the kiss quickly became frenzied and hungry.
Cillian's hands roamed down your body, cupping your breasts over your towel before sliding under it to feel your bare skin. You moaned as his fingers found your nipples, already hard and sensitive to his touch.
"Just so we are clear, this still counts as a one time thing, correct?" you whispered as you broke the kiss, looking him in the eye as you spoke.
He nodded and leaned down to kiss you again, the heat and passion between you igniting as if it had never been extinguished.
"I am sorry that I left you there, in the living room, by yourself before," he said again as he pulled back from the kiss.
"Well, you better make it up to me then," you told him, before pulling him close to you once again.
Cillian made a strangled noise in the back of his throat before flipping you onto your back, his body pressing down on top of yours.
He caught your lips in a searing kiss, his tongue plunging deep into your mouth. Your body ignited under him, lust surging through you.
"I will ," he promised roughly, his teeth scraping down your jawline while his hands worked their way down your stomach.
You gasped as his fingers slid between your legs, finding your throbbing clit and rubbing it in circles. She arched her back, giving him easier access as your body heated, needing more.
Cillian slipped a finger inside of you, satisfying a primal hunger that was still burning deep within him. You moaned, your arms wrapping around his neck.
Your body tensed as he found your g-spot and ground his finger against it expertly.
You writhed under him, feeling his heavy erection press against your leg.
"Cillian," you moaned, your body begging for the release it craved. "Please, I need you inside of me," you whispered in his ear before biting down on the lobe, causing him to groan with pleasure.
He didn't need any more convincing. Cillian pulled off his t-shirt and boxer shorts while you unwrapped yourself, the white towel landing somewhere on the floor . The sight of your naked body underneath the dim light left him speechless. His eyes traveled over your soft, heart-shaped curves while your eyes investigated his arousal.
"Fuck, Y/N," Cillian muttered under his breath. "You're so goddamn beautiful."
"Uh-huh ," you managed to say, barely able to string a coherent thought together as Cillian's hands roamed over your body.
He leaned down and took one of your nipples into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it. You moaned, your back arching off the bed.
Cillian took that as a sign to continue, his teeth scraping over your sensitive nipple while his hand wandered down your body.
His fingers found your clit again, rubbing circles over it as his mouth traveled to your other nipple."Please fuck me already ," you whimpered, the anticipation building up inside of you.
Cillian didn't need to be told twice. He spread your legs wide open and positioned himself between them, his tip brushing against your slick entrance. He teased you for a few seconds before pushing into you gently, causing you to cry out in pleasure.
"Are you okay?" he asked as he pulled out of you slowly. "You are not too sore?" Cillian asked in a hoarse whisper, as he slowly moved back inside of you, causing you to gasp with pleasure.
You shook your head as a response, wrapping your legs around his waist and urging him to move deeper. Your heels dug into his back, pulling him closer as your slick walls tightened around his shaft. Cillian groaned, the sound reverberating through your room and igniting your body into a blaze of passion.
"Why do you feel so fucking good?" Cillian groaned as he bottomed out inside of you , planting himself deep within your warm embrace before you grasped on to him and demanded to go on top, to ride him.
You were wetter than ever, your pussy eagerly clutching at his cock as you rode him like some sort of ravenous demon. He knew you needed it as much as he did and you forgot all about how sore you actually were from the constant penetration. 
Cillian was lost in you, his mind a haze of pleasure as you ground your hips against him, every glide of your pussy against his pelvis pushing him closer to the edge.
Cillian felt his balls tighten as a tingling sensation began to build at the base of his spine, and as you squeezed him with your legs, he knew he wouldn't last much longer.
"Don't stop, Y/N - fuck, I'm so close," he managed to say between his labored breaths.
You answered with a deep, desperate moan, your eyes squeezed shut as the pleasure overtook you. You could feel your body shaking and, with each passing second, the fire between your thighs began to burn brighter than ever."Oh god, please, yes. I want to feel you cum inside me again," you moaned as you moved up and down on him, feeling him grow impossibly bigger inside you.
He grabbed your hips and thrust upwards as you moved down, meeting your movements with his own. The room echoed with the sound of your skin slapping against his, your gasps, and moans of pleasure filling the air.
With each thrust, Cillian felt like he was losing himself more and more, letting the pleasure consume him until he couldn't think straight anymore.
Sweat dripped from his forehead, and his arms felt like jelly beneath him as he held on to you tighter, wanting to feel every inch of you.
"Fuck, Y/N," Cillian moaned as your walls tightened around him, the pleasure overwhelming you both. "I'm so close."
You nodded, unable to speak anymore as you threw your head back, letting out a guttural cry of pure bliss.
You had never felt anything like this before, a wave of pleasure that washed over you so completely and overwhelmingly, you could barely register the shock of it all as you orgasmed. 
Your hips were still pumping back and forth against him, milking Cillian for every last drop again, and he could feel himself getting closer and closer to the edge, his seed coursing through his veins.
"I-I'm cumming," he gasped, his fingernails digging into your ass cheeks as you felt him swell, then pulse inside of you, sending wave after wave of pleasure crashing over you.
"Oh god, Cillian!" you cried out, your own orgasm still ripping through your body as he spurted again and again into your welcoming heat. You dug your fingers into his shoulders, feeling him shudder beneath you as you rode out the incredible spasms that accompanied your climax.
Cillian groaned as he erupted deep within you, feeling your walls tighten around him as you moaned incoherently in ecstasy. Your legs were trembling uncontrollably now, exhaustion kicking in as you slowed your movements and eventually came down from your pleasure-induced haze.
The only sound that could be heard in the room was the sound of labored breathing - yours and Cillian's.
You collapsed on top of him, feeling his heart beat rapidly beneath your breasts, his spent manhood still buried deep inside of you.
Your bodies were both slick with sweat, your breaths heavy and unsteady. A feeling of exhaustion, coupled with a deep sense of satisfaction washed over you like a wave, leaving you feeling completely spent.
Cillian wrapped his arms tightly around you, holding you close to him as he pressed soft kisses against the side of your neck. You shivered, feeling a fresh surge of desire flow through you at the sensation, your pussy clenching around his still semi-hard shaft.
"Mmmhh...you still feel so good inside of me, Cillian," you murmured softly, nuzzling your face into his neck and breathing in his scent. His arm tightened around you in response, and you sighed with contentment.
The heat between your thighs slowly dissipated, leaving your body feeling warm and sated.
Your mind was still in a hazy daze, but as the sweat on your skin dried and the tension in your muscles began to ease, you knew that you both needed to get some sleep.
Eventually, Cillian broke the silence.
"I don't think I had sex that good in...I don't know...ever," Cillian murmured, his voice thick with pleasure and exhaustion.
"Oh please, as if,"  you murmured back, your own voice tinged with amusement as you lifted yourself of him. "You would have slept with many women in your days. Models, actresses , women you met on set, I am sure you had a wide selection to pick from," you replied nonchalantly, a small smile playing on your lips as you collapsed next to him. 
"Yes I have had my fair share of sexual partners in the past, before I, you know...," he began to say and you interrupted him.
"Before you met my mother ," you acknowledged with a smile playing on your lips, causing Cillian to nod, which is when you asked him a question that had been playing on your mind for a while.
"Did you ever cheat on her before?"  you asked him, your voice barely above a whisper.
Cillian looked at you for a moment, considering his answer carefully. "No," he said finally, "I never did. Not once. I got close, but I never went through with it because, at least until now, I respected her enough not to," he explained and you nodded understandingly, feeling a surge of gratitude towards Cillian for being honest with you. 
"Do you love her?"  you asked, unsure if you wanted to hear his reply.
Cillian's gaze softened as he looked at you, taking a moment before he answered. "No," he admitted quietly. "But I love Sadie and I love what we achieved together," he  went on, rubbing his hand over his face with tired resignation. 
"Is Sadie the reason why you married her ?" you questioned, allowing the conversation to go where no one had ever dared before.
"Pretty much," he replied, his tone softening as he gazed at you fondly, "I got married because of convenience after your mother told me that she was pregnant. It was a decision I made, thinking it would make me happy because I never really fell in love with anyone, but I wanted a family, you know," he said sadly.
You nodded, understanding what he meant. It wasn't uncommon for people to marry for reasons other than love, and Cillian had been honest about it. It didn't excuse the fact that he had been unfaithful, but at least it gave you some insight into why he made that choice.
"I am sorry," you eventually  whispered, reaching out to take his hand in yours.
He looked at you with a mix of emotions swirling in his eyes - sadness, guilt, and something else that you couldn't quite put your finger on.
"Don't be," he whispered back, squeezing your hand gently and you didn't know what to say after that, and the silence stretched on between you two as you both tried to process what had just happened.
"So what about you?" Cillian eventually asked after contemplating his question. "Why did you not have any other guy before me?" Cillian asked, tracing the outline of your hand with his fingers. "Because you are stunning and smart,..." he trailed off and you sighed, turning to face him.
" I've had girlfriends, and I fooled around with guys before," you explained. "But I don't think I was ever really attracted to guys in that way until recently," you confessed. "You are just different from the guys I have met," you told him softly, reaching up to stroke the stubbly jawline of his ruggedly handsome face. 
Cillian leaned in and captured your lips in another deep, passionate kiss. This time it was slow, lingering, and filled with tender emotion. You could hear your hearts beating in time with each other, and it felt like you were lost in a dream.
The weight of your decisions was incredibly heavy, yet all you could feel in this moment was a powerful connection between you and Cillian.
You kissed like this for a while  , with your hands in each other's hair and bodies pressed close, as if you couldn't get enough of one another. It was like a magnetic force was pulling you together, and you were both happy to give in.
Eventually, the kiss slowed, and both of you broke away breathlessly. The room filled with post-coital silence, the tension now finally dissipated.
"Well, it's getting late, we should get some sleep," you whispered, still wrapped in the warmth from each other's bodies.
"Yeah, I suppose so," Cillian replied, trailing a finger lightly along your shoulder.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" you asked softly, looking up at him through your eyelashes and Cillian hesitated for a moment before nodding.
"Alright," he whispered, his voice barely above a whisper as he pulled you close and wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly as if he never wanted to let go. You rested your head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat.
It was steady, rhythmic, and oddly soothing. You closed your eyes and felt yourself drifting off to sleep, wrapped in the warmth and safety of his embrace.
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mariposakitten · 2 days
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Something I find very interesting about Kaos is how we, the audience, perceive (and are meant to perceive) Dionysus, Persephone, and Hades.
Because... they know. They DO know about what I will call, for the sake of avoiding spoilers, The Great Deception. I thought maybe Dionysus didn't know, but no, the last episode makes it clear that no, he's in on it too. Hades and Persephone are actively complicit in it! And when they protest, it's not for the humans' sake, not because it's inherently cruel or unfair, but because it's unsustainable and about to blow up in their faces. Dionysus, for all that he genuinely likes humans, seems vaguely sad about the concept but doesn't speak against it. And yeah, Zeus is scary and powerful, but you'd think they'd at least try!
By any realistic, mortal sense of morality, they're just as much monsters as Zeus, Hera, and Poseidon.
And yet.
And yet we DO like them! And we DO see them as "the good guys." Despite knowing about their complicity in this betrayal, we want them to be happy, we want Dionysus to find love, we want Persephone to get some goddamn respect, we want Hades to get a good night's sleep, poor guy. We want them to survive whatever's coming as this prophecy comes to pass.
Maybe it's just because they don't indulge in petty cruelty (or at least not the permanent/fatal kind - Dionysus's trick at the pawn shop wasn't particularly kind, but we can forgive it for Dennis's sake) like the others do, or maybe it's because we see the other three being mean to them and we feel protective, or maybe it's just easier to sympathize with a party boy who wants to prove himself and a harried pair of overworked administrators than with the rich and powerful. Maybe we're just judging gods on a different standard from humans.
But I think it's interesting! And this isn't a criticism, please don't read this as me arguing that we SHOULD hate them - I love them too! It's just really neat how the narrative has sold us on these characters that we love them despite knowing what they're doing.
What I do wonder, though, is how the humans, living and dead, are going to react to them in-universe once the truth gets out.
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blackwaxidol · 2 years
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iraprince · 7 months
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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow
hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.
like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.
anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better
#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control#as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem#but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine#i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR#i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be#-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that#ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind
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chryblossomjjk · 8 months
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wonder-worker · 6 months
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Friendly reminder that Francesco Coppino and Prospero di Camulio, contemporaries who were literally getting their information from predominantly Yorkist circles, were both explicitly clear that it was Henry VI who decided to surrender Berwick to Scotland.
Camulio: "King Henry has given away a castle [town] called Berwick, which is one of the keys of the frontier between England and Scotland." Coppino: "[Scotland has] received from the same Henry the town of Berwick, on the frontiers of Scotland, which the Scots have long claimed as their right from the English, as the excellently well furnished guardian of their frontiers, and the place to which King Henry repaired as an asylum after the battle."
The idea that Margaret of Anjou was principally involved in the surrender, or that she was the one who actually made the decision, is based on nothing but assumption. Two direct contemporaries, both speaking of ongoing events as they unfolded, who were both getting information from Yorkist-held England, both clearly believed it was Henry who was responsible for this course of action. Neither of them mention Margaret. Sure, you can argue that it was merely rhetorical, and that they were simply automatically attributing such an important decision to the King rather than the queen - but rhetoric is nonetheless extremely important and helps us understand how historical figures were perceived at the time. Margaret's enemies would surely not have hesitated to broadcast her involvement had it actually been true, and Coppino in particular had shown no qualms about criticizing her in favor of the Yorkists before. If she was genuinely believed to have been responsible, and if the Yorkists were actually claiming that she was at the time, I see no reason why Coppino or Camulio would not have emphasized her role in their letters. What these samples instead indicate is literally the opposite: that their contemporaries - probably including the Yorkists who were putting out the information that Coppino and Camulio reported - actually believed that Henry was the one making the decision. I think it's a very large and very unnecessary stretch to go against actual evidence and claim otherwise by placing the responsibility on Margaret instead.
Additionally, these small samples may also reveal what people at the time - once again including the Yorkists - actually thought of Henry's role in the war on a broader level, away from direct Yorkist propaganda which would obviously and perhaps understandably seek to de-emphasize it: namely, that Henry was perceived as the one making decisions and deciding the courses of action for his own side.
Source: Excerpts from the Calendar of State Papers and Manuscripts, Existing in the Archives and Collections of Milan
#henry vi#margaret of anjou#english history#my post#I want to make a longer post detailing the clear indications we have that Henry *was* perceived as the active decision maker of his side#which indicates that contemporaries did not really think that there was some kind of giant 'role-reversal' between him and MoA#but until then the gist is:#after Henry was rescued in 1461 contemporary letters clearly emphasize his own actions; they mostly did not attribute decisions to Margaret#we also know he and Margaret separated when she headed off to the continent;#that he seems to have been involved in border-raids against Yorkist England;#*and* that he avoided capture until 1465#if Henry was entirely passive throughout it all and entirely dependent on Margaret to make decisions#I do not understand how any of this would have been possible#Instead Henry & Margaret seemed to have had more of a partnership with Margaret focusing on gaining international support#which she was very well-suited for given her powerful foreign connections#& with her taking on leadership in his absence (mainly due to imprisonment/incapacity) rather than all the time/when they were together#and like I said when it comes to Berwick contemporaries clearly believed it was Henry's decision#but also like. let's hypothetically assume that Margaret was the driving force behind it. please think of this situation logically.#whoever's idea it was Scotland was very obviously going to want a proper confirmation from the *king*#who was. yk. the actual authority of the country#even if Margaret was the one encouraging this surrender Henry's approval and agreement would have still been required#if not by the Lancastrian party then by Scotland#and again this is assuming that Margaret was actually the driving force behind it. there's no indication that she was#but ultimately contemporaries very clearly believed *Henry* was responsible#we don't know what MoA actually thought of it or what her actual involvement was (she could may encouraged it; she may have misliked it;#she may have simply been told after the decision had already been made)#but ultimately even in the most extreme case - which is contradicted by actual evidence - the final say would have been Henry's#it would be nice if this was reflected by historians?
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pikopiikko · 1 month
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i have so many thoughts about the whole orym and will "i'll be waiting" "see you soon" exchange in the context of how dorian is also supposed to fit in the picture with orym like dUde
orym i love you and you love will and that's precious and lovely but are you gonna pursue a romance with dorian while thinking about how will is waiting for you and reuniting with him in the afterlife? like idk i get it but that just feels a little unfair...
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ahoyimlosingmymind · 7 months
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sophie is an unreliable narrator, but not intentionally. She's just so insecure that it affects her communication with all of the other characters and her perception of reality.
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katyspersonal · 8 months
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It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one
#/vent#personal#and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one#previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together#this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed#but again it got solved#I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats#(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them#until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression#I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally#I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I#it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth#and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them#so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change#maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess
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nullominous-q · 3 months
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Don't overestimate me. I am one mental breakdown from shaving my hair at all times.
But don't underestimate me either. I have rbf, an inclination to stare directly into your eyes for entirely too long bc I don't know where else to look when I talk to people and no filter.
...In fact maybe it's best that you don't perceive me at all.
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fvckw4d · 4 months
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The concept of queerbaiting annoys me. I was told that it refers to a work of fiction pretending to cater to a queer audience but then pulling back from it to avoid alienating homophobes, which is an incredibly specific thing. But a lot of people seem to think that it instead means "any time there's any gay subtex, metaphor, or ambiguity" or "whenever something from 1995-2012 was being a normal amount of homophobic for the era."
#I've secondhand seen the way Sherlock...was.#And yeah that's very pointedly cruel to the audience.#But not everything is that aware of its following to point by point mock them for half an hour.#And I think people forget that for a period there was a unique combination of awareness of gay people and homophobia bad#and a severe need to avoid being perceived as gay (and sometimes homophobic) at the same time#while it was ALSO very acceptable to treat the existence of gay people and homophobia or discomfort with both as a joke#so that whole wink wink nudge nudge dance was a huge thing in some of the 90s and earlier 2000s#and sometimes by doing that people accidentally made it seem even more fucking gay.#Or on purpose. People also forget that yeah gay people could exist as a joke but they couldn't be casual protags or w/e.#It wasn't really done like that.#I think what it's really proof of is that the 90s/early 2000s is long enough ago that people have become illiterate to the cultural cues.#When comedians complain 'you cant make jokes anymore' sometimes this is the exact thing they're referring to.#Gay people being on TV or in books isn't some funny joke you make anymore. Just being gay or seen as gay isn't the punchline it used to be.#People are shitty about it still but it's in a different way now. Being gay isn't as much the big embarrassment it used to be.#Gay tv shows and books are a whole market now. And stuff like Sherlock or supernatural were made right in the middle of that shift.#It's the only way you could position a strategy like this. I don't know if that cultural moment really exists anymore.#Audience backlash is also more massive and in real time.#Now instead of mockery at the idea of idk Dr house md being gay conservatives would see it as a 'culture war' thing.#And non conservatives are more vocal and more liable to criticize. TV shows are seen as keepers of culture in ways they weren't before.#I don't know how to describe it exactly. I'm not an expert and I know I'm missing some pieces or things I wanted to point out.#But yeah I just think people kind of. Forgot how people treated gayness as some kind of cootie disease you had to say#You didn't have really hard all the time. People are still sort of like that but idk the language changed.#A lot of talk about homophobia and queerness is very pseudo-academic now. The distancing happens with different signifiers.#But. Yeah.#☠️#I also think queerbaiting requires a specific kind of intent as a marketing strategy.#Instead of the more likely 'well we have an unintended gay following now so I guess we can throw in some fanservice#the network would literally never allow us to do anything with it even if we wanted to though.'
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muu-kun · 1 year
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#; ♡ ; okay to reblog#muu has admittedly been describing is self perceived melancholy and isolation regarding it#as being comparable to the circle drawn around Sadness in Inside Out due to others finding his emotions to be Too Much in capacity#and that as such he has thus been persistently trying to make himself very very small in spaces#so that maybe perhaps someone would soon be able to reside in the circle with him just until he gets to where he feels he is supposed to be#muu has also stated on numerous actions that while he is adamant about self healing he is not necessarily of preference#to not have the assistance of peers and their feedback and he tends he show it most predominantly in asking them to hear Everything#about himself in the form of the big box because one he wants assurances at the end of it all but also because he Has to be explaining#his processes of thought and general state of where he is now to people so that they may go Oh so that why you do the neurotic shit you do#but it really be hard out here when you don't know how to self advocate for a persistently emotionally present romantic partner#you don't really have any friends and you are either God awful at making new ones or you don't want to try for reasons of either#feeling scorned past close friends of yours have left time and time again OR#because you don't know what version of yourself is the Real one or the Good one or the Authentic one so you avoid socializing#until you can properly answer that dilemma but in turn you've left yourself with 1 person to seek out and talk to#but with that comes the existential dread of either a this person is also going to leave me or#b I am in fact so totally codependent on them that it isn't fair to be my sole research for assistance that I ought to fend for myself#but what do you even do to fend for yourself when you don't even know how to Advocate for yourself??#you devise a plan to shrink down and provide no indication to those around you that you are struggling with anything#that perhaps shriveling yourself down like that will allow for people to find you tolerable enough to be around#and that their presences will patch up every interpersonal wound in your system until eventually what you are faking has come true#; ♡ ; inner thoughts
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girlscience · 11 months
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I hate finding a fandom that likes to take a slightly emotional character and makes them cry and have panic attacks constantly in every fic. Least favorite fandom trope ever
#leave my man Kirk alone 😭 he's a little sensitive. he's in tune with his feelings.#he's not sobbing every episode or having breakdowns every time something stressful happens in screen#I don't WANT to read about his trauma feelings when as far as I can tell they are Grossly exaggerated in every instance#sure. I will accept he was traumatized by the shit that happened in his childhood#however if he was acting like he is made to in half these fics he quite literally would not be fit for command#ack. this isn't just a kirk thing though#I really have so little patience for visibly or over the top emotional characters to begin with#I know it's my low empathy talking but it's so annoying#shut up!!!! put it away!!!!! I don't want a character sobbing every time someone treats them nice for however many chapters#suck it up and move on!!! get into more interesting shit!#I know people use fanfic as an outlet or therapy or whatever but I wish they would write about more interesting feelings#or find more interesting ways of having characters express them#like idk. give Kirk weird issues around food cause of starving as a kid#give him weird attachment problems that make him over protective but also distant to avoid being sad when they die#make him work extra hard to keep the enterprise safe because it's like the one consistent home he's had#make him relentlessly curious because his education as a kid was inconsistent so he works to learn everything he can now#or like he over compensates for his lack of childhood education. have him perceive failings there where there aren't any or something#make him have lots of issues with dictators#I mean fucks sake even in the episode with the man who killed half the people on the colony he was on as a kid#he kept a level head and was the only one trying to actually work through it logically and didn't immediately jump to trying to kill the guy#unlike the other characters#it just makes zero sense to have him falling apart over essentially nothing all the time#it's just stupid!!!! and annoying!!! and I don't want to read it!!!!
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leatherbookmark · 1 year
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hopping around different blogs is fun.
a post on blog 1: i find it a little weird that -- don't get me wrong, the barbie movie looks great with all the doll-like details, i bet the actors had great fun and i'd like to see it myself, but -- people are getting excited about marketing of this movie. they're acting as though mattel's 3985* deals with 837* different companies are something new, exciting and creative instead of... 3985 deals with 837 companies spanning many different areas! this movie is a commercial for a doll! isn't this kinda weird?
*numbers made up
a post on blog 2: i don't think any sane adult doesn't realize that this is a toy commercial! it's rather obvious.
a post on blog 3: boo hoo 'the barbie movie is capitalist propaganda' i don't give a SHIT marx won't fuck you. did you do this for transformers too? do you think only stupid girls who like pink need the reminder?
like, oooooh! things are happening!
#shrimp thoughts#earlier today i got into a bit of an essay reading spree (as much as my brain allowed me lol)#and it got me thinking about like... associating oneself with products/aesthetics/companies as a way of self-creation#this is me. i love [fashion brand] you won't catch me without my k*nken and here is my room in which you can see posters of [movies]#it's very... human to get excited about things and feel it more the more others get excited because. community building#at the same time i've noticed it myself that it's so much easier to label yourself a [thing] girl than to like... Look Into Yourself#who am i? what defines me? these questions are difficult because how do i know that? with what means do i obtain this knowledge?#should i create myself as i want or should i observe myself with the eyes of others instead? ...let me just say i like plants and overalls#and i feel like when someone says something you perceive as a critique of the identity slash community you associate yourself with#it's... hurtful? but at the same time. hm. i don't know actually#like chances are these posts are talking about completely different things and not vaguing each other or even similar posts#maybe posts that blog 3 vagues really were obnoxiously condescending! who knows! that being said DESPITE being a small-brained#shrimp who would honestly love to win soooo many moneys and just do whatever i want all day instead of being an Independant and Competent#Expert In My Field (this sounds scary and stressing). i still would like to avoid falling into the 'just let me ENJOY things and don't try#to make me hate femininity because it's not working! pink and shopping can be empowering' hole.#idk!! i listen to k/pop and am part magpie. i can't quite pose myself as like anti-capitalist intellectual#but i do want to achieve at least a small brain! someday!! and boy do i hope my brain energy days don't end before the books arrive;;#2am thoughts. wonder if my mother goes to sleep earlier than at 4am today because its getting annoying
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You know those people who need attention and thrive on it? I'm like the opposite of that lol
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astrxealis · 9 months
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on a whim and in spite of my responsibilities i have started on making a whole 9 chapter self-indulgent fic for mr. grim reaper from the hit game 'a date with death'
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#haha... so quickly did i finish the game and all endings and achievements.....#started at 3 am on a school day :)) damn.#so i have a lot of thoughts and things to say but writing is tiring so i will just say. fuck me. fuck hell. fuck all. oh god.#...so i have a big thing for white-haired fictional guys w/ red hair. at the top of my head i can think of two vampires and one grim reaper!#haha. oops.#then there is an angel... a ghoul... and idk what the fuck to call him but he isn't a normal guy.#and there's more. but. i cannot recall at the moment. uh. anyway!#wowed tbh bcs this game got me my inspiration to write for myself back....... and also to write for others. and also to write in general.#even as i yet procrastinate on something i am actually required to write! two of those#actually so uhm haha rip!!!!! but it's fun at least. writing :3#i like having a sense of dread creeping up on me bcs when i have nothing needed to do i feel empty... gotta improve that.....#idk what game to play now tho. sigh. haven't played undertale in a bit even as i am trying to finish it and idk where i left off <//3#omori... i am just Scared..... but will finish that alongside undertale!#currently playing persona 4 golden actually but bit tiring going through my routine of having to use my dad's laptop bcs i own a macbook he#owns a whole ass gaming windows laptop so. yeah. uhh genshin is on to grinding again so i'm sick of that. uhhh.#ffxiv..!!! i am avoiding it rn for the sake of my sanity bcs i love that game too much. in a good healthy way but also it takes up#everything i have in me so i have to. prepare for it. oops.#the recent news tho... i am trying not to perceive so i don't go insane.....#oh. i could read books. but i want to make a bunch of notes and uh that is Something indeed! bcs i am currently reading classics +#nonfiction ... science or philosophical books..... and there's rereading pjo. :)) fun
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