#i don’t think allowing a queer character a happy ending-ish

[robinsbanduniform]

i am so sick and tired of the narrative that queer people don’t get happy endings, i’m sick of queer stories in media always ending tragedy and unrequited love, and i’m sick of the belief that we shouldn’t expect to be accepted because ‘that’s just how society is’ being considered a normal thing.

[so-idialed-9]

My Policeman review

I saw My Policeman tonight, thanks to an amazing friend I met on Tumblr. It was just incredible. Such a quiet, intimate, highly personal movie. One of those films you should see in a theater for the collective experience of an audience gasping, laughing, crying together. 

The entire theater was sold out. A good mix of all ages - quite a few young people but also every age.

Everyone gasped together in all the right places - like when Harry’s character, Tom, gets angry at Patrick and almost calls him a slur. Or when Emma Corrin’s character, Marion, reveals what she did.

There were parts that were funny, which I didn’t anticipate. Yes, it is funny when Harry calls himself an ordinary looking person who’s never been asked to model. But other parts are funny on purpose and it was a relief.

I’d watched the leaked sex scenes, so I expected it to be a much bigger part of the film. But in context they’re mainly about the passion and intimacy of gazing at someone with awe, touching their back, letting yourself be looked at, breathing their breath into your lungs. It was romantic.

Ive been told in some screenings teens laughed at the sex scenes?? That didn't happen here. Some younger fans did cheer for a split second when Harry first got naked on screen, but in general, as the scene went on the theater was completely quiet and reverent. And I want to note that the young fans were the ones sobbing uncontrollably at the end, most unable to leave their seats. I think this film made an impact.

David Dawson is SO good in this. He deserves an award for sure. 

The parts that were devastating were not what I expected. It’s not only the physical abuse Patrick goes through, but the devastation on his face as he simply...endures. There’s no other option. Or the way Patrick describes Tom as innocent, and then seeing Harry’s face, so open and trusting and yes, innocent...and then contrasting it with his face when he is pretending. 

One especially powerful scene I didn’t know about was older Tom, decades later, seeing a gay couple out shopping together, laughing and being sweetly domestic, and his façade cracks. 

At first I thought Harry was fairly awkward with Emma, and I worried he might not be good in the role. Then I saw him with David, and it was like night and day.  It was instantly clear the awkwardness was a deliberate choice. Tom’s awkward politeness with Marion vs Tom’s casual chemistry and emotional and physical connection with Patrick - it really showed what is truly “unnatural” here.

Emma Corrin’s character, Marion, I expected to hate, but I also felt bad for her a bit. Not for how LONG Marion allows the façade to go on, but the limitations of her choices at the time. And I felt happy for her when she was free at the end.

At the end of the film, the entire theater was quietly sobbing. And what did us all in was the small, tentative touch of a finger at the end. A young-ish girl to our left cried so hard she was gasping for breath and being comforted by her friends. I passed out emergency Kleenex to young strangers on my right and it got passed right down the row. After the film was over, people didn’t get out of their seats for a good five minutes, just quietly wiping our eyes and sniffling and trying to pull ourselves together emotionally.

When Tom and Patrick are free for a time, giggling and unashamed, and it’s ripped away - when H’s character is told “bachelors (read: suspected queers) don’t tend to do well” in their careers - when H’s character incorporates soft looks and gentle secret touches - when he stares at a gay couple being open and free - it’s very hard not to think of similar situations Harry has likely experienced in his own life.

See the movie. In the theater if you can. I drove over an hour to do so. It’s so cathartic to be with others who are acknowledging this painful period in history and toll closeting and homophobia takes on everyone. 

Yes, this is what the theater sounded like as credits rolled: x

[thecommunityoftrustworthysinks]

my last post about white christmas has me thinking about older queer media, or potentially queer and queerphobic parts of older media. how so many of them had to be like that to exist at all, how queer people have always sought ourselves and each other in even the smallest of places.

like. that movie where patrick swayze played a trans woman (haven’t seen it, though i want to, and i forget the name). that’s not how we would do that today, but that doesn’t mean that the fact a trans woman was a major and serious part of a film’s character cast at all isn’t important. or like people lamenting that brokeback mountain was a tragedy, and how many other tragic stories of queer people existed before happy ones, because so many times that was the only way we were allowed to exist. i remember trying to placate my parents towards gay people in tv shows and movies by saying they died in the end, as if that justified their existing (no i didn’t believe this, i was a closeted kid in a violently homophobic household.)

and originally, what prompted this post, how the drag(ish) scene in white christmas certainly wasn’t the most mockery-free scene, but that danny kaye, a bisexual man, put his all into making it something genuinely fun instead of entirely a joke on embarrassment of men in women’s dresses. (now, of course, i don’t know if that’s what was on his mind or not when filming that scene, and im not assuming that either. i don’t know how involved in queer communities of the time danny kaye was. it’s just something i notice in a scene that could’ve been a lot worse than it was)

we’ve always been here. even when the only place we’re allowed to carve out for ourselves is in tragedy or otherwise tiny and unideal, you can’t ever erase us entirely. queer history is so important, don’t ever neglect it because it’s not up to the standards we would want today. it’s good that we’re doing better. value that!

[shardreach]

Can’t draw it, but also thinking about it.

Backstory unimportant, I’ve been prompted to think about the Animal Wife trope that’s relatively common in fairy tales and whatnot. Middle story also unimportant, I eventually stumbled upon an idea/storyboard of sorts that deals in that trope in a way that I find interesting. The catch is that the way I conceptualize of it, it needs to be visual in order to convey itself properly, with the right amount of emotional punch. I can’t draw. I can write, ish. But I don’t feel like it works in prose. It would require an overwhelming amount of description to properly set the scene, in contrast to extremely little in the way of dialog, if in third person. Which kills the pacing and makes for a very slow, very weak emotional punch. And having the first person insight into any character’s head would feel like too much telling and on-the-nose moralistic messaging by having the character articulate in words what they feel.

So, failing that, I think I’ll post a storyboard / script of sorts.

------

- We start as a first panel of a woman going home. Establish The Wife.

- She arrives to a commotion. Emergency vehicles, noise, clutter. Her house is actively on fire, or already almost entirely destroyed. Dread, fear, surprise, concern. No talking, no dialog, just expressions.

- She runs, searching. Asking. One of the EMTs say, “He was too reckless going back in, and all for a *blanket*. But he’ll live.”

- Wife over her husband’s seemingly unconscious body, in the ambulance or some emergency tent. Husband has a death grip on a fur cloak or blanket, he wouldn’t release it even through first aid. He is hurt.

- Wife’s emotions are swelling. Relief bubbling, but also fear. She mutters, “You *promised* to never open that drawer...” [This is part of why this needs to be visual, her word choice may seem harsh, but are delivered without any malice to them. She is simultaneously relieved and terrified. Is she offended that he broke the promise? Relieved he’s not dead? Relieved that SHE is not dead? Grateful for the gesture? Probably all of the above and then some, at the same time. I ain’t telling, nobody is. It’s not our place as outsiders to know. We just need to know that there are emotions underway, and they do be strong ones.]

- Husband, weak, but still conscious responds. “Anything that important to you, I couldn’t afford to lose.” [Again in a similar spot, the specifics of either of their feelings is not what matters, just the weight of it, hence why text descriptions feel unfit.]

- Tears.

- Me being me, and despising depressing endings, a final panel needs to exist here, showing a photograph of the couple at some unspecified point in the future. Husband is scarred, but alive. And the wife with him, no longer hiding her animal features. They are happy.

-------

There are a few key choices here that I feel need to be addressed and explained, in the context of actually crafting this piece. The first and most obvious is the heterosexual couple, with the specific assignment of which member of the pair plays which role. For this point, queering the narrative would work almost as well, but I think the deliberate choice to build it as a historical fairy tale would strengthens the link to the trope it is addressing. Adjusting it is obviously welcomed, but this was a deliberate choice and not some unconscious default for the context and message that is intended.

The second is the last panel. Typical Animal Wife depictions follow rules that don’t allow for hybrids. The wife, in this case, would either be fully human or fully animal. But I feel that the clarity of the message of acceptance of equals would be undermined by allowing an one-sided interpretation in either of the possible final panel configurations in that case:

A - The wife as human, the husband has the skin as a cloak, sash, or some other adornment. The intent is that, keeping the skin safe being paramount, the wife then trusts that in the husband’s hands is that safest place. The husband accepts the responsibility and the trust placed on him, not needing any words to pledge to live up to it to the best of his ability. Problem, this imagery already happens sometimes with the connotations of possession and oppression. It doesn’t matter if they appear happy in the picture, it can be read in a particularly negative angle that I dislike in specific.

B - The wife as an animal, in the company of the husband. The intended reading is the same, but the clarity of it is slightly muddled. With the traditional skin-shifter rules in place, I think this would be the better of the two options, but media literacy being the non-existent thing that it is today, it could be confusing to jump from a recognizable human figure to some apparently-unknown animal and a jump to wildly unrelated conclusions is just as likely.

Hence why I favor the option I went with:

C - The wife as some partial transformation standing as equal, still recognizable as the same person. The husband wearing the scars of his choices. Acceptance without masks, when no secrets need be kept. Extra points for the notion that not only she has moved past the perceived need to hide from her husband, but also that this has led her to a point where she feels safe showing her real self to others beyond.

Third, I don’t specify which kind of animal because ultimately it is not the most important element. Foxes are common examples of shifters in myth, so are some birds. Selkies are probably the most famous of the skin shifters, but ultimately, that choice doesn’t impact the core of the story. I’d probably go cat, or fox. But again, I don’t think of this as a critical component.

Fourth, I really don’t think this can be done particularly well in prose. The nature of the medium requires too much spelling out of what is going on, otherwise it because a frustrating cryptic experience - I have already spent more words explaining how I would go about constructing this a-few-panels-in-length standalone story than it takes to relay its actual content. And I especially feel that trying to name names and describe emotions would undermine the impact of it compared to a visual representation that is capable of prompting the reader to fill in those emotions out of their own well of experience.

Like I said, though, I lack the artistic skill. So this is the best I can do. If anyone ever finds this and is in the intersection of being able to draw it, being interested in seeing it exist, and being willing to spend their time and expertise to make it so, just send me a link. I’d love to see how it could look like beyond what little my mind’s eye can conjure.

[xfilesfanficexchange]

NEW FANFICTION EXCHANGE ANNOUNCEMENTS!

We're waiting on the final One Bed fics to come in, but in the meantime, I wanted to make sure to get the exchange sign ups out for those ready for more!

In typical exchanges, there are certain things participants are discouraged from asking for. In particular: triggering content, ships other than MSR, and non-XF related content.

I realize these limitations can be annoying to individuals who enjoy this content, and I never want to exclude anyone from participating. So for the October/November exchanges, we will be focusing on THREE themes that allow the aforementioned tropes that are usually banned.

I would like to announce the following new exchanges (details on each to follow)! 

The Darkfic Exchange (October 29th)

The Stella/Scully Exchange (November 5th)

The Slash Exchange (November 19th)

I know three might seem like a lot, but I presume people might not be as interested in doing all three of these since they're a bit niche theme-wise (but more power to you if you do). Also, unlike the other multiple-theme exchange announcements, these events will be on different dates

1) THE DARKFIC EXCHANGE

In most exchanges, any content that might be triggering is discouraged. However, I understand that exploring dark topics (writing or reading) can be very cathartic and I think it's a valuable tool for exploration. So for this exchange, think of any topics you've wanted to ask for, but second-guessed or thought it was "too dark." This is the time!

There are definitely different "shades" of darkfic, here are some examples: Character death, assault, torture, self-harm, infidelity, miscarriage, /other, breakup, sick fic, suicide, etc. Maybe there's a happy ending, maybe there's not -- it's up to you!

Before anyone judges and says "Why would anyone want to write/read ________," please understand this can be very therapeutic for individuals. At the end of the day, using these characters in fic can help us interpret our own lives.

With that being said, I still want to be sensitive to the fact these topics are triggering. Maybe you want to sign up and ask for X, but the thought of writing Y is very uncomfortable for you. Just let me know privately and I will ensure you don't get a prompt that is triggering.

I will also be sending the authors some information regarding writing triggering content in the welcome email. In regards to the community, on the exchange day everything will be posted with #XFDarkFic2022 and you can mute the tag to avoid any posts.

Details Darkfic Exchange

Sign Up Ends: Sunday, September 25th 11:59pm CST

Exchange Date: October 29th

This is a five(ish) week writing period.

Word Minimum: 2k 

Link Here!

2) THE STELLA/SCULLY EXCHANGE 

I knew I was going to have a slash exchange, and I know Stella/Scully is a very popular slash pairing but that some people might only want to write for TXF. As a result, I figured the S/S could have an exchange all their own!

I admittedly do not know much about this pairing, nor if the authors of the community are familiar with/have participated in exchanges before -- but please know that you are welcome here!

As the title suggest, this exchange is dedicated to all things Stella and Scully! I apologize that I don't know much about the conventions of the genre to add anything else, but I'm excited to see what y'all come up with!

Details Stella/Scully Exchange

Sign Up Ends: Sunday, September 25th 11:59pm CST

Exchange Date: November 5thThis is a six(ish) week writing period

Word Minimum: 2k

The manip of Stella and Scully came from dawnofthewench on tumblr!

Link Here!

3) THE SLASH EXCHANGE 

In the past, people have expressed apprehension about getting a slash prompt that they didn't feel comfortable writing. It became a trend that if someone got a slash prompt, they'd drop out. As a result, usually I ask for MSR or gen only

NOT THIS TIME, BABY - HEAR ME LOUD AND QUEER, NOVEMBER 19TH WILL BE GAY. Mulder and Krycek, Scully and Reyes, Mulder and Skinner, Scully and Marita, Scully and Diana, Mulder and Flukeman -- is it queer? Then it's perfect.

I, Nicole, the admin, am obviously queer. This often (has put/)puts individuals in an awkward position of fearing they might come across as homophobic if they don't want to write a queer ship. I completely understand that is not the case.

Maybe you LOVE Mulder/Krycek but have no idea what you'd do if you had to write a WLW ship or vice versa. I understand that is a valid concern. In the sign up sheet, I have an area where you can mark if there's a certain type of ship you'd prefer not writing. Just lemme know.

Details Slash Exchange

Sign Up Ends: Sunday, September 15th 11:59PM CST

Exchange Date: November 19th

This is a two(ish) month writing period.

Word Minimum: 2k 

Link Here!

GENERAL 

I am so excited to see what everyone comes up with! Again, these are three independent exchanges with nothing to do with one another. You can sign up for one, all three, none, whatever you feel like.

If you've never signed up before and/or are uncertain of the rules, I would advise that you read chapter one of this fic!  If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me!

Just some misc things about signing up:

- If you're not comfortable putting your address on this document, no problem. You just need to ensure that I have it.

- Some people have issues accessing the sign-up sheet on their phones. If you're having problems, I suggest trying it on your desktop. If nothing seems to be working, then just send me your info and I'll put it on the sheet.

- I know it can be tricky to think of prompts, and I totally don't mind at all if you have TBD in place of the prompt for a while, but please try to put something in there when you can -- even if you change your mind later. I just ask this because sometimes people are hesitant to sign up if they don't know what the prompts are. Again, please feel free to put TBD so that your info is confirmed and you're joined, just add the prompt when you think of it!

Thank you for reading the thread! If you've made it here and are just ready to sign up, here are all the links in one place! 

Darkfic

Stella/Scully

Slash

All signups close Sunday the 25th at 11:59pm CST

[asleepinawell]

Book Recs

I was gonna do one of these at the end of the year, but I’ve somehow managed to read 26 books this year already (12 novellas, 14 novels), almost all featuring queer authors and/or characters so this is already a long list.

Note: There’s a few on here I was kind of meh about, but in most of those cases it was a ‘book might be good but it’s not for me so i’ll mention it to put it on people’s radar anyway’ type of thing. Insert the usual necessary tumblr disclaimer about all of this being only my opinion and your opinions are valid too etc etc.

In order of when I read them:

Princess Floralinda and the Forty-Flight Tower by Tamsyn Muir - Fantasy novella from the author of gideon the ninth that’s a twist on the classic princess trapped in a tower waiting for a prince story. Quite fun. (novella)

The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht - Dark fantasy about revenge and magic. m/m couple but like I said it’s pretty dark and twisted all around so definitely not a happy queer romantic story. My opinion was interesting premise that could have been executed better and probably should have been a full novel to embellish on the world building potential. (novella)

A Memory Called Empire & A Desolation Called Peace - Arkady Martine - Probably tied with murderbot as the best things I read this year. Scifi, f/f couple, wonderfully done exploration of what it means to fall in love with a culture that is destroying your own. More of the many queer anti-imperialist books that have come out recently and certainly some of the best. The second one is a direct continuation of the first. (2 novels)

The Tyrant Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson - This is the third in the Baru Cormorant series (The Masquerade) and was my favorite so far. The second and third book were originally one book that got split I believe and the second book didn’t stand alone as well (though was still great), but the third book really made up for that. Dark fantasy world starring a queer woc whose country and culture is destroyed by the imperial forces of that world colonizing and assimilating them. She vows revenge and decides to work her way up within her enemy’s ranks to enact it from within and bring an empire to ruins. Really really fascinating study of so many different aspects of our own world and the systems which enable and allow bigotry and how bigoted and violent narratives are used to control minorities. This is definitely a darker series and I was particularly impressed with some of the commentary on the racism prevalent in non-intersectional feminism as depicted through a fantasy world. Can’t wait for the last one to come out! (3 novels, 1 forthcoming)

The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells - There’s six of them--5 novella and a novel--and the first is All Systems Red. Told from the point of view of a self-aware droid/android that is rented out by a corporation to provide protection in a dystopian capitalist hellhole future that isn’t that unlike our current capitalist dystopia but is in space. Muderbot hacked the chip that controlled it and instead of going rogue just wants to be left alone to watch its favorite tv shows. Murderbot is painfully relatable and the books are both funny and poignant. Highly recommended. (5 novellas and a novel).

Winter’s Orbit - Everina Maxwell - This was a m/m romance novel with a scifi backdrop of royal intrigue. Generally I’m more into scifi with a queer relationship in the background than vice versa, so it wasn’t my favorite, BUT I think it was still well written and someone looking for more of the romance angle would enjoy it. Has all your favorite romance tropes in it, especially the yearning. (novel)

The Divine Cities - Robert Jackson Bennett - Three book series. I’m very conflicted about this one. Set in a fantasy world where an enslaved nation overthrew the country enslaving them and now rules over them. It’s a story of what happens after the triumphant victory and within that it’s also a murder mystery tied into the dying magic of the conquered nation. It also has a six foot something naked oily viking man fist fight a cthulhu in a frozen river. The second book was by far my favorite, mostly due to the main character being brilliant. My conflict comes from the fact I don’t feel like the story treated its women and queer characters well. Like it had really great characters but it didn’t do great by them overall. That and the third book didn’t live up to the first two. But still definitely worth a read, can’t stress enough how cool some of the world building was. (3 novels)

Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant - This might be the only one on here I disliked. It’s got a doomed boat voyage and creepy underwater terror and monsters and a super diverse cast of characters, but I just didn’t enjoy the writing style. While having a diverse cast is great, there were a lot of moments where it felt like characters were pausing to explain things about themselves that felt like a tumblr post rather than a normal conversation you might have while actively being hunted by monsters. I also bounced off all the characters. But a lot of people seem to have liked it so if you’re into horror and want a book with a f/f main couple then maybe you’ll enjoy it. (novel)

Dead Djinn Universe - P. Djèlí Clark - Around the early 1900′s, a man in Egypt discovers a way to access another world and bring Djinn and mysterious clockwork beings called Angels through. As a result, Egypt tells the British to get fucked and Cairo becomes one of the most powerful cities in the world. So Egypt, magic, djinn, a steampunk-ish vibe, oh and the main character is a butch queer woman who enjoys wearing dapper suits and looking fabulous while she investigates supernatural events. Her girlfriend is also mysterious and badass. And she has a cat. There’s three novella (one of which technically might be considered a short story) and then the first novel. You should absolutely read the novellas first (A Dead Djinn in Cairo, The Angel of Khan el-Khalili, The Haunting of Tram Car 015). Super fun and imaginative series. (3 novellas and a novel, more forthcoming)

River of Teeth & Taste of Marrow - Sarah Gailey - From the book description

“In the early 20th Century, the United States government concocted a plan to import hippopotamuses into the marshlands of Louisiana to be bred and slaughtered as an alternative meat source. This is true. Other true things about hippos: they are savage, they are fast, and their jaws can snap a man in two. This was a terrible plan.”

Queer hippo riders!!!! Very much a western but with hippos. Main couple included a non-binary character. Loved the first one. The second one I was more meh about due to one of the characters I was supposed to like having obnoxious man pain that a woman had to take the brunt of the whole time. Also there were less hippos. But queer hippo riders! Definitely read the first one, and they’re both novellas so no reason not to read the second as well. (2 novellas)

A Psalm for the Wild-Built - Becky Chambers - I may be the only person who hasn’t read the long way to a small angry planet at this point, but I did grab her new novella and I loved it. It made me want to go sit out in the woods and feel peaceful. The world it’s set in feels like a peaceful post-apocalypse...or diverted apocalypse maybe. Humans built robots and robots gained sentience, but instead of rebelling they just up and left and went into the wilderness with a promise that the humans wouldn’t follow them.The remaining human society reshaped itself into something new and peaceful. It’s the story of a monk who leaves their habitual monking duties to go be a tea monk and then later wanders into the wilderness and becomes the first human in ages to meet a robot. Very sad there’s no fan art yet. (novella, more forthcoming)

The March North - Graydon Saunders - This was such a weird book that I’m not sure how to explain it. The prose style is hard to get used to and I suspect a lot of people will bounce off it in the first chapter. There’s no third person pronouns used at all and important events get mentioned once in passing and if you blink you’ll miss them. Set on a world where magic is extremely common to the point that rivers sometimes run with blood or fire and the local weeds are something out of a horror movie and most of the world is run by powerful sorcerer dictators, one country banded together (with the help of a few powerful sorcerers who were tired of all the bullshit) to form a free country where powerful sorcerers wouldn’t rule and the small magics of every day folks could be combined to work together. The story revolves around a Captain of the military force on the border who one day has three very powerful sorcerers sent to them by the main government with the hint that just maybe there’s about to be a big invasion (there is) with the implication of take these guys and go deal with this. The world building is extremely complex and very cool...when you can actually understand what the fuck is going on. There is also a murder sheep named Eustace who breathes fire and eats just about everything and is a Very Good Boy and belongs to the most terrifying sorcerer in the world who appears as a little old grandma with knitting. It had one of the most epic badass and wonderfully grotesque battles I’ve ever read. But yeah, it is not what I would call easy reading. Opinions may vary wildly. I did also read the second one (A Succession of Bad Days) in the series which was easier to follow and had a lot more details about the world, but overall I was more meh about it despite some cool aspects. The chapters and chapters of the extreme details of building a house that made up half the novel just weren’t my thing. (novels).

The Space Between Worlds - Micaiah Johnson - In this world parallels universes exist and we’ve discovered how to travel between them, but the catch is you can only go to worlds where the ‘you’ there is already dead. This turns into an uncomfortable look at who would be the people most likely to have died on many worlds and how things like class and race would fit into that and what we would actually use this ability for (if you guessed stealing resources and the stock market you’d be correct). The main character is a queer woc who travels between worlds with the assistance of her handler (another queer woc) who she has the hots for. She accidentally stumbles on a whole lot of mess and conspiracy and gets swept up in that. Really enjoyed it. (novel)

Witchmark - C.L. Polk - Fantasy world reminiscent of Victorian England (I think?) where a young man with magical gifts runs away from his powerful family to avoid being exploited by them. He joins the army and fights in a war and comes home to try and live a quiet life as a doctor, but a murder pulls him into a larger mystery that upturns his life. Also he’s extremely gay and there’s a prevalent m/m romance. This one was a fun-but-not-mind-blowing one for me. (novel, 2 more in the series I haven’t read)

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon - This was one of those that everyone loved but I couldn’t get into for some reason. I tried twice and only got about halfway through the second time. It’s got dragons and queer ladies and fantasy world and all the things I like, but I wasn’t that invested in the main story (which included the f/f couple) and was more interested in the smaller story about a woman trying to become a dragon rider. There are few things that beat out a lady and her dragon friend story for me and that was the storyline that felt neglected and took a different turn right when we got to the part I’d been waiting for. But, I know a lot of people whose reading opinions I respect who loved it, and if you like epic fantasy with dragons and queens and treachery and pirates and queer characters then I’d say you should definitely give it a try. (novel)

Bonus: I didn’t read these series this year, but if you haven’t read them yet, you should.

Imperial Radch (Ancillary Justice) - Ann Leckie - Spaceship AI stuck in a human body out for revenge for their former captain, but that summary does not come close to doing it justice. Another one examining imperialism and also gender and race.(3 novels)

Kushiel's Legacy Series - Jacqueline Carey - This is two series, six books total, and starts with Kushiel's Dart. Alternate universe Renaissance-y Europe in a fantastical world where sex isn't shameful and sex workers are respected and prized. Lots of political intrigue and mystery. A lot of BDSM and kinky stuff too (the main character is a sexual masochist, oh and also bi!). I first read this series when I was fifteen or sixteen and it definitely made a big impression on me. Same author also wrote the Santa Olivia series which I’d also recommend. (6 novels)

The Locked Tomb (Gideon the Ninth) - Tamsyn Muir - I mean, if you follow me, you know. If you don’t follow me you still probably know. I’d have felt remiss to have left them off though. Lesbian Necormancers in Space. Memes! Skeletons! Biceps! Go read them. (2 novels, 2 forthcoming, 1 short story)

Books On My To Read List:

Fireheart Tiger - Aliette de Bodard

The Order of the Pure Moon Reflected in Water - Zen Cho

Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse

This Is How You Lose the TIme War - Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Ninefox Gambit - Yoon Ha Lee

Also, if anyone has any recs for scifi/fantasy books starring queer men (not necessarily having to do with a queer relationship) and written by queer men I’d love them. There’s a lot written by women, and some of them are great, but I’d love to read a story about queer men from their own perspective.

[vaguely-concerned]

X-men Evolution; the great 2021 rewatch liveblog

exactly what it says on the tin, about halfway through the show I had TOO MANY FEELINGS and had to start writing some of them out haha (gets quite gambit & rogue/gambit heavy in the latter half, Because of Who I Am as a Person)

- this is my childhood’s x-men, my formative experience with them, and I’m happy to report that still seems like a good thing. the little eleven year old within me gets to geek out and have a good time with the characters and the surprisingly good animation and writing, adult me gets to CACKLE at regular intervals at the fashion/technology/absolute bonkers hot garbage comic book nonsense they use to justify a storyline every now and then, it’s been a good time 

- I was like ‘ah well it is super dated it probably won’t be quite the same now’ and then rogue’s HAIR did the THING in the opening and ‘it’s all coming back to me now’ started playing in the background... the little baby queer in me swooning across time and space

- such a good beast, both his design and the writing, my heart aches for him all the time. he’s just so passionate! about being a teacher! helping young humans learn the stuff they’ll need in life! the most wonderful nerd man, just let good things happen for him

- I’m going to go ahead and assume that rogue’s ‘crush’ on scott is more of a deeply complex psychological process about desiring normalcy and intimacy and trying to figure out if she’s queer and dealing with her emerging sexuality and latching on to the first and best safely unavailable and nonthreatening older boy to project these issues onto rather than actually being a real thing, because I respect her so much as a person and I cannot bring myself to imagine she’s honestly attracted to a man who has POSTERS OF CARS on his bedroom wall. (I’ll give jean a break just because she seems to have a longer deeper history with him that might counteract some of that libido-kill, and also she’s a jock so lol)

like I am very sorry but can u imagine being a teenage girl with any interest in a boy with model cars in his bedroom when gambit’s swanning around being a much, much, much worse choice on almost every possible level but in a teen girl kryptonite kind of way? inconceivable  

(I drag scott quite a few times in this and it’s not because I don’t love him, it’s just his tragedy to be the most draggable man in the world)

to be fair by the time gambit shows up that whole Situation has mostly played itself out I suppose but still  

- toad’s design is so ineffably brilliant, I can’t quite tell you why but that ugly cute charm has really stuck with me, he’s one of the characters I remembered the best to this day just visually

- poor evan... he truly never had a chance, did he, they just saddled him with the most 90s teen bullshit they could come up with like he’s some kind of ‘what adult writers think teens like’ frankenstein’s monster ;______; it’s not your fault honey

- poor poor POOR storm, she gets one focus episode and they were like ‘we’re going to make an episode so racist -- ‘

I’m still STUNNED at how bad it was, but undeniably I laughed hysterically to the point that my neighbours were probably worried when that dude was earnestly like ‘He [stunningly breathlessly racist caricature of a ‘witch doctor’ guy] has stolen her powers, and he’s going to use them to take over Africa!!!’ fhajsdlfhsakjldfh oh really? tell me more, like how the fUCK this could be on television within my life time fasdlfhsdkjfhsad f  just... fahjksdfh

- it’s a testament to gambit’s appeal as a character that his charm can survive what they’ve done with his hair and beard choices in this one fajskfhs regrettable but true I still fuckn LOVE him and in my highly biased yet Correct opinion he should have been around much more. get you a man who manages to stay hot through sheer Vibes even with a bowl cut

- aw scott/jean is kind of sweet in this show even if it’s taking them forEVER to get there, I like it 

- it’s very nice of rogue to not mention magneto’s romantic daydreams and nostalgic memories about charles xavier after touching his face that one time... or maybe her brain did her a service and repressed it, there’s some stuff you shouldn’t have to know about your father figure   

- the danger room is the very definition of ‘why do we even have that lever’ and I wonder what the fuck prof x does to have enough money to replace everything that gets busted all the time

- I’d say that a lot of the writing holds up surprisingly well! (but some of it is also incredibly inexcusably racist in ways that beggar belief, so... not full marks here) the characters have distinct voices and their arcs are set up and delivered on solidly for the most part, and there’s a lot of love showing through in small moments that are just there to have a funny/interesting thing to say about the characters and how their powers work separately and in combination. listen, sometimes I get so thirsty for like. basic goddamn competency in storytelling, let me have this

- ugggggh why is there captain america in my x-men have I not suffered enough... very very funny when prof x goes ‘sounds like you knew rogers personally’ and logan is like ‘I did ;)’ *all the students ganging up on steve rogers* “did you fuck our teacher, captain america?!”

- fskadfhas WHY are you showing me hot young-ified magneto’s ass fksjahfskj charles is not even here to see it, what a tragic waste erik 

- ...I was sort of kidding before but uh I think logan genuinely did fuck captain america (or at least wishes very much that he did lol)

- wanda can have a little watching the world burn. as a treat for the way every single adult in her life has fucking failed her (’aren’t they treating you well here’ professor x she’s in a straightjacket)  

- poor rogue tho can you imagine finding out after your biggest crush on a girl yet that she’s your fucking MOM in disguise... I would break out in cold sweat every time I thought about a boob forever after

- well seems like they really just had all that homoerotic rivalry stuff between quicksilver and spyke in their first ep only to never do anything with that again ever?? I mean even without the gay undertone that seems like a dynamic you spent most of an episode setting up writers what the hell haha

- dslhfkasjlh GAMBIT THERE HE IS MY BOY IS ON THE SCENE THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! I don’t even care about his awful hair situation or the fact that his eyes are wrong here (coloured contact lenses, maybe, for a watsonian explanation? though he’d probably have to get them made special, considering he needs the sclera and the iris covered up in different ways, I’ve seen some comic panels indicating he has been known to?)

(cute little detail: when he shuffles the cards the first time we see him he ends with removing the top card to show the ace of hearts beneath <3 foreshadowing baBEY he’s a... good-ish boy deep down. hey he tries okay shit gets complicated sometimes lol) 

- cracking UP at gambit perched cheerily on the edge of a crate dispensing cards in the middle of the battle... he’s like ‘eh it’s a livin’ sfsajkhf remy stop working for supervillains just because you had nothing to do on a thursday afternoon and they said they’d pay you

- I’m guessing magneto must have imposed a strict order of silence on these guys or something because I cannot imagine any other reason for him to shut up, especially once he notices rogue is a QTE (or, far more likely, they hadn’t settled on any voice actors for the new characters until next season haha. it is kind of odd that they’re all keeping up near monastic silence, though, even sabertooth lol) 

- WHAT an epic first meeting for us rogue/gambit fans here... first his shadow like there’s fireworks going off behind him lighting him up and then he gives her the fuckn king of hearts and she’s so enchanted by his dumb handsome face she doesn’t even notice it’s about to blow up in her hands and it all happens in heavily meaningful silence afjsdfjashjk no wonder this ship ingrained itself in my hindbrain  

yeah look smug while you can remy she’s gonna have you on your knees one day and you’ll be happy about it lol

- god storm is so COOL, everything just fading out of focus when she really gets going... give her more screen time, show!!

- mystique is every person... this person... that person... that bird... that cat... that wolf... I’m not even sure she’s not also me... are you sure she’s not you? 

- holy fuck I respect the hell out of the decision to just... blow up the entire status quo in a season ender, I only vaguely remembered that (actually in general I appreciate how good the continuity is -- buildings and places that get damaged in battles need to be repaired or rebuilt, it makes the consequences feel more real even when no one gets seriously hurt. where they get the money to restore scott’s car and logan’s motorbikes every time they go cablooie is still an open question tho lol is it credit card fraud, professor? is it telepathically acquired blackmail???) 

- I first watched this when I was nine or so, so it’s a real experience to go from my starry eyed intrigued ‘oh my god... they’re teenagers’ to my horrified adult perspective of ‘oh my god... they’re TEENAGERS D:’

that goes double for the brotherhood boys honestly, I’m here with tears in my eyes like ‘I’m sorry the system has failed you so badly you’re all just a bunch of dumb kids whose caretakers clearly fucked up spectacularly’  

like lance is always waiting for mystique to come back because she’s the closest thing he has to a safe parental figure, may we speak about how crushingly depressing that is 

- rogue is so ready to throw hands at literally any moment and for that I love and treasure her immensely (I think getting to see her be so surly and unreasonable and sometimes difficult and jealous, like any teenager, meant a lot to me as a kid who was not really allowed to be any of these things, this version of the character has stayed with me so deeply. she holds on so fiercely to her right to feel what she feels and be what she is even when it’s ‘ugly’ or unreasonable, which I think plays in really interestingly with how her powers involve getting invaded by other people’s thoughts and memories to the point of overwhelming her own sense of self and the fact that she clearly has a lot of self-loathing and self-consciousness and confusion about her identity as well. I love her so much)  

- oooof this is the ‘the gang experience a microaggression’ episode huh (well more like macroagressions really)

hits a bit different with adult eyes and perspective huh

- hearing jean sound almost like a child when she says ‘that’s so unfair!’ somehow has me like ;______; -- she has to be so adult and responsible all the time, and having her be reduced to the kid she still is and should get to be in front of this awful awful man she could squash like a bug with the flick of a thought... ugh I’m Big Sad (it is funny that jean seemingly plays Every Sport tho djfhaskj)

- MY BOY IS BACK!!! this time with the duster coat and his eyes the right colour, im so happy (too bad about the subdued colour scheme tho; I adore his dumb bright pink getup with my whole heart)

it’s kind of adorable that he takes the time to take the bullies aside and go ‘I know these guys can’t wreck you without getting expelled, but I think you’ll find no law set down by god or man would stop me from doing so whenever I wanted to. so piss off and leave them alone’ lol he’s looking out for them, in his own way

- in this episode: remy lebeau wrangles some kids while looking bored yet mildly amused the whole time. what the fuck does magneto have on you for you to agree to this level of babysitting duty buddy

- fun detail I noticed b/c when I get a fave I hyperfixate: he gave rogue the king of hearts before, but he ‘introduces’ himself to the brotherhood here (lol) with the jack of hearts, probably to symbolize he’s here as someone who works for magneto in this setting and not as his own man? it’s a demotion he’s given himself there, anyway, might be he’s not very pleased about his current position huh 

- I like it when rogue and kitty team up, they’re not very effective together but their squabbling is so cute and non-aggressive 

- pietro is what draco malfoy would be if I ever found malfoy interesting to watch for even one moment, every time quicksilver talks I’m like ‘what wonderfully insufferable thing is going to come out of your mouth this time you little shit :’)’

- a) why are scott and logan shirtless for this scene? I am not complaining on the logan side of things at least but why and b) I laughed so hard I almost fell off my couch when scott asked logan if he’d ever been in love and he was like ‘once. she was the most beautiful bike I ever saw’ falsdfhaskjfhsakjlfhasklhjfd THE BEST VERSION OF WOLVERINE EVER, ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES 

- mystique’s sheer dedication to being a petty bitch is kind of inspirational tbh, almost makes me want to go on a completely bonkers and extra crusade of personal revenge myself  

- oooh they’re doing some genuinely cool things with vision/lack of vision in this one (it’s the scott left on his own in the desert without glasses one btw) even visually, dang! I’m so sad this show didn’t get more seasons than it did, honestly, it deserved it

- hell yeah jean wreck her, go get your man with the suspiciously specific clothing damage normally done to female characters 

awww :’) okay yeah they’re super sweet, I love the tiny loving animation details like how he leans his head against her and her stroking his hair away from his eyes

- nooo don’t bully evan leave my t0tally r4dical sk8er boy alone :(

- I love the running joke of people fleeing in blind panic only to reveal that what they’re running from is kitty’s cheerful well meaning little face fskfaskh 

- scott and jean are already peak married after officially being together for one episode and it’s adorable, and they just stone cold threw logan under the bus, rip wolverine we hardly knew ya

fjasdlfasldfhslajdkfhsadkjlfhsdkjalfhsdakfh h jean establishing herself as the alphabitch of this relationship by throwing her man to the wolves right after dsjfhaskjfhaskjhfsakjdhfaskjhfaskdhfskjahfskdajhf get smarter or get volunteered scott 

- ...eyepatch lady is so hot ngl

oh evan went to the place hank used to go to calm down ;________; (honestly he’s kind of won a place in my heart just by being a pretty normal teenage boy haha)

- jesus fucking CHRIST can you imagine being storm having to look her sister in the eye as she tells her ‘I lost your only child, he’s *vague gesture* somewhere in the sewers we think’ this poor woman

- amanda the self admitted monster fucker you are so VALID (I love her and her family’s design so much tho!)

- it’s so cool that even in his human ‘disguise’ kurt’s fingers follow the shape of his actual hand beneath it rather than moving like a five fingered hand, it’s such a lovingly consistent little detail 

- magneto and mystique in a breathless race to see who can be the shittiest parent... tune in next week for yet another parental nadir (also some low-poly gambit appearances in this one, for those at home keeping score (me), he’s in the background looking like someone drew him with their eyes closed fakjldfhasd look how they massacred my boy)

- someone please teach the brotherhood boys about consent huh

- jean ‘soccer mom before her time’ grey and her SUV dfhakjlhds :’)

- im sobbing rogue baby girl i’m so sorryyyyyy, this voice actress is so good, my parental instincts suddenly kicked into overdrive hearing the crack in her voice :( (bb me was right tho rogue centric episodes ARE the best episodes. that tension between ‘do I identify witn this character or am I crushing on her?? both???’ now has the fun new addition of ‘oh god oh no you are a baby I want to shield you with my body from everything trying to hurt you’)

- mystique is like ‘so you see despite you telling me you never wanted to see me again I completely disrespected that and posed as a friend your age, manipulated you by offering you the mirage of direly needed emotional intimacy and belonging and added some sprinkles of homoerotic tension to it just to massively worsen your already existing grievous psychosexual trauma and identity issues... out of love’

god go jump in a black hole you fucking monster 

- there’s some very interesting and quite subtle subtext about the people she’s morphing into and what that says about her mental state/how it shows off some of her emotional baggage with the rest of the team. it’s like she’s switching between people/powers that fit the purpose as if she’s going through cycles of fight/flight (and then bursts of freeze where she’s herself, which is... so sad)

- this whole episode is hurting my heart but rogue at full power is undeniably epic  

 - ‘professor x get your goddamn act together and get this poor girl some fucking tHERAPY’ challenge

- SAFE PAPA LOGAN ;_____;

- EYYYYYY opening straight on My Lad, I cannot stop winning!!!!! 

fasdfhsad disintegrating the window with a smiley face... remy I do love you more than my heart can bear honestly, hello may we speak about the fact that his urge to be a little shit is so deep and strong it survives mind control (that little breathed out ‘hiah!’ as he vaults the fence too dsakfjsd)

hahaha and he does up the coat fhsalfdsaj 

- magneto dismissing other telepaths like ‘puh-lease, your Meaningful Looks have got nothing on my ex-husband’s’ 

- :’) rogue and kurt sibling timeees

- say what you want but this pyro guy’s got job satisfaction in being a creepy arsonist with a weird recurring horse theme (well at least twice but still weird)

- I love how beast is the kindest man to ever walk the earth but also straight up savage, this man drags people so hard their ancestors wince in their graves

- gambit taking the time to complete the guard’s game of solitaire -- this episode is giving me everything I want. u little disgrace mr lebeau

and THEN he takes the spider out in the most hilariously bonkers way my heart is so FULL

(I love that when magneto moves by he looks startled and has to quickly move his head out of the way to avoid getting kicked in the temple too that’s a fun detail)

I’m so INTO how this sequence shows off that his greatest strength isn’t even his powers (which are pretty straightforward, really, he makes go boom, longer time and bigger thing bigger boom) but that he’s clever and creative and always extremely ready to be the most harebrained-bananapants-extra-in-a-deceptively-laidback-sort-of-way person in the room (I actually have some genuinely Deep Thoughts about how his whole character does a really interesting thing with having the straightforwardly destructive nature of his powers yield to what his nature as a person is, and how using the playing cards play (heh) into it, maybe I’ll write it out some day. just the fact that he could use anything, but he deliberately chose something that adds style and playfulness and corny charm to it and that also limits the damage of the explosions compared to if he habitually used something with more mass... I find it fascinating how much he’s made a story around himself with it and how deeply it shows he does have a good heart, at the end of the day, in almost a metatextual way. he doesn’t want to destroy things or people, he’s at worst (and best lol) a thief.)

- I honestly have literally no memory of white nick fury (which seems so weird now isn’t it funny) in this series from when I was a kid, he clearly did not make an impression on me lol

- mr wolverine ‘assigned canadian at birth’ x-men 

- oh man I dig the androgynity of x-23′s outfit (even tho they had to compensate with the long hair, which... kind of doesn’t make sense in-universe but does on a design level because it’s a crucial thing that she’s a female clone of logan so yeah okay fine whatever have your arbitrary gender markers if you must haha)

ooooooh that’s actually really clever, they make her gender gradually more obvious as she unravels through the episode and her outfit changes -- first the mask coming off, and then her jacket opening to show her silhouette more clearly, that’s cool!  

- my god what really sets this show apart is how much it invests in little character and relationship moments, it’s just so fucking GOOD! it gives laura looking in on those moments such depth and weight because it’s new to her but established to us as an audience, this is how you make found family devastating people (storm growing bonsai trees is so charming too haha) 

- ooof this is honestly quite harrowing 

SHE’S SO SMALL COMPARED TO HIM I’M CRYING (at least that part of his genes translated over faslkfsjdh short king, I say this with all the love and support of a fellow short monarch)  

- tabitha seems to just be running around doing precisely whatever the fuck she wants and you know what I support her even if she is an asshole her father left her a bunch of trauma and no fucks left to give 

- still thrilled about professor x explaining the spider key fuckup to magneto after the fact like ‘magnus you dumb bitch this is why we split up’ 

- awww kitty has anime and movie posters on her wall and sleeps with a stuffed toy :’)

-          remy                           rogue

                              🤝

doing completely unnecessary parkour around the brotherhood living room seemingly just for the hell of it... I’m not saying soulmates but fucking soulmates 

- fhsadkjlfhsakjldfhsadjkfhsdajkfh just as gambit’s soul-level need to be a little shit survived his bout of mind control, rogue’s deep and urgent desire to kiss gambit full on the mouth survived hers I can’t breathe

she looks so pleased with herself too GOOD FOR YOU GIRL at least get something out of this other than more trauma 

also not only the fact that he’s smart enough to figure out what’s going on (though he’s only partially right about who’s behind it. I do so enjoy gambit/mystique deep and sincere antipathy as a constant across all universes tho lmao pure wlw/mlm hostility) but also that he keeps fending her off like he’s not trying to hurt her even though she’s in nigh on unstoppable and invulnerable terminator mode... awww 

- gambit having absolutely no patience for wolverine and sabertooth’s bullshit macho-off and consistently being this little biker trio’s one brain cell is adding years to my life with every passing moment

his voice is a little different in these scenes too, a bit softer and less like he’s trying to impress someone, it’s nice

- hank: well I barely recognize any of these (completely made up) ‘ancient egyptian hieroglyphs’ but from what I can make out -- *proceeds to infodump a perfect coherent narrative* fjdhfak  

listen this whole thing is such nonsense on so many levels, I’m just turning my brain off so I won’t have to think about it okay, the compulsion to put ancient aliens in egypt haunts us as a culture 

- I am CACKLING about gambit in the snow after having to listen to these two chucklefucks ooze testosterone at each other for hours

he started out taking it in good cheer and is now reduced to ‘dieu would both of you just jump off this fUCKING mountain please’

- ah. a little oops-a-daisy there, we seem to have unleashed the apocalypse. please stand by (they really don’t pull their punches with the season cliffhangers in this show haha)

- opening the season on gambit’s merrily grinning face is the easiest way to gain my favour. yes good this season may commence 

baby u r my

 ANGELLLLLLLL

(he’s so cute here tho haha I think it shows the design isn’t unsalvagable, just get him better hair and stubble more like logan has and you’ve basically got it) 

love his exasperated eyeroll when the dude gets spooked (by his eyes? or just the general weirdness?) too

he’s just trying to keep this crazy family of evil mutants together and unmurdered by one another until they’ve managed to avert the end of the world, bless him  

- oh NO rogue’s LIP wobbles my hhhhhheart ;____; such a good animation detail to put in

- like... I know kurt is just a sad scared teenager with a lot of shit going on and all the adults are too busy averting the end of the world to help him... but buddy maybe don’t ask your sister to wake her abuser (who forced her to kickstart the end of the world!!!!!) when she feels utterly unsafe even with her statue version around huh

- ...wanda is good and I want only good things for her. and for her dad to be disemboweled for what he did to her both the first time around and when he forced her to forget I mean what 

- magneto throwing an epic satelite-slinging tantrum b/c ‘no I am the biggest sexiest strongest mutant of the pack :(’... erik fucking get over yourself 

- yes boys absolutely go along with a plan suggested by a dude who looks at you like this 

nothing bad can come of this surely asdfkhsa

- lance’s quarter of a braincell always trying to go ‘hey wait, maybe... not do this???’ and it never helps lol

- in this episode: Logan Has A Bad Day 

...some very specific bondage positions he’s held in here, I am sure this episode awakened something in someone once upon a time lol 

- logan shielding x-23 with his body... im fine it’s okay I’m not crying don’t look at me

- afsdhlsdfjasdlk those sure are some ‘scottish’ accents flsadkjhkdsjahfsd

- scott relieved to finally be able to cede the position of ‘charles xavier’s least favourite son’ to someone else fjsaklfhsajd (poor scott it’s not your fault honey)

supremely cowardly to suggest there is an ex-wife involved rather than charles slutting his way around the british isles back in the day but okay

- kurt with a cold is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. it’s okay kid it’ll get better soon

- ...is there an implication here that professor x is naturally blond. because I am losing my entire little mind about it (i mean he at least has to carry the gene, as does this lady?)

ETA: upon doing some research into this I can indeed confirm that charles xavier does seem to be naturally blond, and after this knowledge I will never be the same 

- “listen, dracula” fskdafghasd oh scott you sweet baby angel I love you

- I know jean’s abilities are a bit ‘as strong or as weak as the plot needs right now’ at this point (so you can have the setup for what’s going to happen with them eventually and she’s basically invincible ;____;), and normally I’m cool with it but god I want her to just squash lucas like a little bug

- ewwwww please don’t ever say ‘daddy’ like that again

- ...what the fuck is even going on this episode’s a mess 

like okay the split personality thing could be something but the way it’s done... what just happened lol

- MY BOY EVAN IS BACK! with a real glowup too (...though kind of weird how he suddenly looks like a grown man)

- augh scott’s eyes are so pretty oh my god ;__________________________;

- that episode in the first season where evan makes the ‘this is my new family!!’ video is so sad now (also, again, his poor poor parents) 

- time for: life affirming road trip with gambit (involuntary) faskljdfhaskjd

stunt therapist remy lebeau 

- I mean the way he goes about it is batshit insane and it’s very much secondary to what he’s actually up to but this is the first time rogue’s sounded genuinely hopeful and confident and like herself in like a season <3 

- he is disconcertingly pleased about her nearly throwing him off the train, and may I just say I agree it’s so nice to see rogue with her old fire back 

- the first time I watched this it was of course dubbed into norwegian, so I had no idea either of these characters were southern lol (though to be fair I probably wouldn’t have had much context for what it meant exactly either, I was like ten at the time and not too interested in america) I seem to dimly remember the norwegian voice actor did a little more of a ‘french’-tinged accent for gambit all over tho haha  

- you know what respect where it’s due, pyro dude knows to live his life for the lols and one has to admire his sociopathic dedication to it

interesting that he, too, seems to have fucking hated magneto -- I wonder if the implication here is that he kept all the acolytes in line with blackmail or by keeping something/one hostage? (except sabertooth maybe he’d just have to say ‘you get to fuck shit up and fight wolverine’ and that’d be enough)

- fsdakfhsd he’s so focused on her he doesn’t notice that guy about to hit him fkafhsa 

- fuck everything else except whatever the hell these two’ve got going on

- it’s weirdly cathartic to have rogue have a conversation with someone who was not happily adopted as well, I don’t think kurt like. gets it because his parents loved him unconditionally and still do 

birds of a feather motherfucker  

- fun detail: when the x-men team are on the shore and logan is sniffing around scott is stepping in something and trying to wipe it off his boots in the background

- when he wakes up after passing out from the touch he’s smiling even though she’s standing over him looking like the rage of god outlined by the moon fsajfsa well the last time he passed out like that it was from a kiss, maybe he still has some hopes and dreams in that direction lol (also he recovers from the tumble down the hill first and is checking on her before accidentally brushing her cheek with his hand, which I thought was sweet) 

and it was in that moment he knew he fucked up *passes out*

- ‘I can explain’ can u remy. can u  

- did it ever even occur to you to just. ask her. to help you. I mean I know it didn’t but like rogue’s always one second away from throwing hands with some bully and is stupidly ride or die, if you’d given her the puppydog eyes she would have crumbled immediately (fair enough I guess this entire episode is telling us he’s not from a background where he has much experience with people just helping him without a price haha) 

- his eyes glowing when he’s angry or upset or using a lot of his power is undeniably cool as all hell. I’m just saying it would be Big Sexy if they sort of flickered with light in moments of genuine vulnerability okay  

- his coat... his coat is what makes the Silhouette tm and I could not be happier about it 

- another parent of the year contestant enters the running lol “hey remy have you ever considered that you’re more of a walking bomb factory than a person? that’s certainly how I think of you hahaha c’mon kid let’s go” 

- the running joke of jean luc getting dollar signs in his eyes seeing the other mutant powers and gambit being like ‘nO!!!!’ and pulling him along is amazing haha

- from the way he looks when he touches rogue accidentally and the way he talks to his dad I’m sort of getting the feeling this gambit might actually be a bit younger than he looks?

here too -- idk why but it’s making the ‘wait is he baby???’ alarms go off in my head haha. very early twenties at most. 

- and we’ve officially seen him with all the face cards in the heart suit folks! (yes this is the sort of thing my brain notices no I don’t know either)

- poor logan running his ass off this whole episode in a panic and then she’s like ‘nah he’s fine (in several meanings of the word ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) please put him down’ hfaskfsda

- rogue without makeup!!! her eyes look so naked like this haha <3

- oooh here’s a really interesting thing that tickles my brain a bit in this specific part of the scene where gambit frees his dad -- the part where he’s leaning against the door frame waiting for jean luc, who’s about to suggest using the opportunity to ruin the rival gang from the inside rather than slipping away while they still can

from his expression here he knows what’s about to happen, what jean luc is about to say, and it’s clearly a ‘man who thought he’d lost all hope loses last additional bit of hope he didn’t even know he still had’ sort of situation. he KNOWS what jean luc is like, and it still hurts that he really, honestly can’t give him even this, can’t appreciate that remy’s already done all this shit for him when he extremely didn’t have to, without immediately (no really, it took him less than ten seconds to go there? jesus) demanding more.  

remy tells him “I’m just here for you” and jean luc does not understand it. remy seems to be sincere in this motivation -- rogue certainly thinks so, having experienced it second hand and found enough at least emotional merit in it to decide he was worth saving even after all his bullshit (lol a bit of a running theme maybe. I think it’s very telling that after she absorbed mystique she was like ‘what the FUCK you’re a fucking monster’, and after she absorbed gambit she went ‘you did the wrong thing for the right reasons’ after she got over the first wave of outrage) 

there’s also what he says as he stands there: “You don’t need me for that”, with the distinct implication that jean luc would only keep him around because he has a use for him and for no other reason -- and then jean luc shamelessly doubles down on that by specifying that it’s not even him he’s got a use for as such, just his powers. that’s some kicking puppies level of deliberately missing the point, it’s almost impressive in how cheerfully mean it is haha

this idea of using people is really important in this episode because remy’s doing basically exactly the same thing to rogue to begin with; it doesn’t really matter to his plan that it’s her that’s with him through this, just what her powers are. (I think it’s  p r e t t y  solidly implied that he does actually like her a lot outside of that too and maybe there is some comfort in having her around for this, but mostly he’s behind a smokescreen of lies through the whole thing sooo I doubt he’s even aware of it, honestly)     

but then it does matter that it’s her when she comes back for him, even after what he did. and unlike jean luc he understands what that means, that she did that for him, and that she didn’t have to. and instead of asking her for more, in return he gives her the thing it’s been established is what he considers the most valuable thing he has; his ‘last card’, the thing he’s credited with keeping him alive many a time, basically. it’s gone from using to mutuality, a tentative place of friendship, and at the end of the day he is a different man than his adoptive father, with a capacity for selflessness and love he lacks. which is of course some of the same stuff going on with rogue and mystique too, except rogue acted from a more fragile and unstable place and did something she regrets, or at least has a LOT of doubts about now, and she found some catharsis in helping someone make a different choice in a similar situation. man there’s some Stuff going on under the surface here haha

(by the way it’s a weirdly... meaningless yet intensely meaningful thing, the gifting of a symbol? of an idea? but he’s putting something very crucial of himself into her hands, is the subtext, and he expects her to understand, which she also does seem to do. at the beginning of the episode he’s proving that he’s seen something true about her -- “You’re such an unhappy girl”, knowing where she comes from, the way she’s mourning her lost confidence and autonomy with her abilities -- and here she’s proving she’s seen something true about him. :’) I wish this show had gone on long enough for this dynamic to progress, it’s really interesting and touching)   

- gambit dragging himself up onto dry land seeing someone approaching (to help?!): :D

gambit seeing that it’s logan and the look on his face: D: 

- rogue using her powers so confidently and fearlessly in this episode tho!!!! 

- *me crying* and then her FAMBILY comes to take her home and he says he’s looking out for her too and kurt still loves her even though they’re having a conflict thing between them and she’s finally able to use her powers without so much fear again and --

- ...did I just watch some baby lesbian love at first sight shit right now???  

- okay last two episodes let’s go

- HELL YEAH STORM (I love that she’s like ‘don’t give me a dumb order like that and I won’t have to disobey it’ too sdfjsaj) her voice has such command I’m usually very much not the ‘step on me’ type butttt

- y’know I feel like apocalypse’s main fault across all versions I’ve seen of him is that he’s like an immortal superpowered god king and he’s not even sexy. like at least make him hot if he’s going to be insufferable in every other way 

- also callout post for apocalypse: one time he made gambit into the Horseman of Death... and didn’t even make him sexy!!! you were handed remy lebeau, supreme bi disaster slut of the x men universe, and you couldn’t even make his brainwashed superpowered evil side hot?? a beautiful stubbled twunk with glowing red eyes and extremely charming :> face practically delivers himself into your hands and you do that to him???? I mean I’m sure apocalypse did some other bad stuff too but that was the worst one

(comics are so dumb y’all) 

- having to watch jean cry is emotional terrorism!! ;___; she has such older sister/mom energy, whenever she gets sad and helpless it hurts 

- oh, OH so PROFESSOR X you’ll make into a hunk and ~*strategically*~ rip his clothes to show off a nipple and a flawless pec in a way that makes me extremely uncomfortable because he’s like The Dad??? apocalypse you are rotten to the core this is unforgivable 

- so wait wanda never actually gets her real memories back. what the FuCk I hope that was a dropped storyline because they ended the show tragically prematurely rather than like. the plan

- why is spyke calling storm ‘storm’ show that’s his auntie o!! >:(

- as a society we need to acknowledge that apocalypse looks like a fucking clown

- ooooh yeah I have been thinking that this show’s greatest visual weakness so far has been not having a visual way to show telepathy/battles of the minds, but this is a pretty cool way to do it! better late than never

- I’m so happy rogue gets to end this herself, since she was forced into starting it against her will, it’s just nice and neat storytelling

- YEAH FUCKING TELL HER KURT AND ROGUE I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and she has the temerity to look pissed off oh my god

the only valid thing mystique has done in her entire life is be in love with destiny. literally everything else she gets up to is a travesty. like I know objectively she’s hot but my loathing for her stops me from even appreciating it. I do enjoy loathing her tho so please don’t change her haha

(a bit odd to have kurt’s attitude to her swing so much but I’m just going to assume he and rogue had a good long conversation after ‘cajun spice’ and that he understands what’s going on better now)

- this last part is such a cruel tease faskdfhsdaj ‘here are all the cool-ass things we had planned. sucks you never get to see it huh’ im devastated 

- magneto without his helmet and playing charmingly with children like charles is going ‘well at least I saved my marriage finally’ fsadkhfjsd (honestly tho I would be super interested in seeing how they’d redeem this magneto because he’s been a real bitch the whole time lol) 

there’s an interesting thing here where magneto looks down at wanda as the last thing he does on screen before this epilogue part (yeah I hope it fucking haunts you forever what you did to her erik you absolute piece of hot garbage) and the last thing charles does is look at jean b/c he knows what’s going to happen to her and it breaks his heart... Dramatic Parallells  

- just the hint of jean as the phoenix has me in full D:D:D: mode tho maybe I wouldn’t have survived it

- gambit in the last groupshot with his arm around rogue ;^) I mean I’m sure they’re headed for some turns and roundabouts along the way but what’s that thing she says as her wedding vow, that she’ll always find her way back? anyway that got me in my heart

- man I really wish this show had been given more seasons, we were barely even getting warmed up here :’(

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

Even if you believe -- LIKE I BELIEVE -- that bisexual people are bisexual people and valuable members of the queer community even when they’re in monogamous heterosexual relationships, you are allowed to take a hard look at how a story deploys bisexual characters and their relationships, and you are allowed to notice and be displeased when the story seems to reinforce homophobic and biphobic bigotry.

Like. Okay.  I really like the way Roswell, New Mexico has navigated this with Michael’s character.  He is clearly bisexual; his emotional and sexual involvement with Alex and Maria are treated as real and legitimate and honorable, unequivocally Good Things, at least potentially, in Michael’s life.  Yes, he does choose (as of this moment -- future seasons are future) to pursue a relationship with Maria but not Alex, but what I think is important and effective is that Alex is always shown not as the bullet he dodged or a wrong road he briefly went down in his youth, not as some confusion or derail or detour from his life, and certainly not as the kinky sexual experimentation of Someone With a Complicated Dark Side.  Alex is always, always, always shown, by the way the characters discuss him and by his function in the plot, as some combination of Michael’s Ex Who Is Still a Dear Friend and The One Who Got Away (and on his own, separate from his relationship with Michael, as a capital-h Hero who is also a gay man).  They had a youthful relationship, full of youthful intensity, and life kind of happened and things just -- didn’t work out.  But the relationship was real, the closeness remains, and the legacy of that intensity continues to color their interactions.  Nothing about Michael and Alex make me feel like being with Maria is something that saved Michael or, uh, set him straight, as it were.  She’s just the next big relationship in Michael’s life, and he’s bisexual.

In contrast, I really, really, really do not like the way Crazy Ex-Girlfriend navigated this with Darryl. I do not deny that Darryl is bisexual!  The show did not “make him straight” when they wrote him breaking up with his boyfriend and marrying a woman.  But it’s -- really -- pretty fucked up, the arc they give Darryl.  Here’s a character who is above all things a warm, big-hearted family man, whose distinguishing traits are his sweetness, his loyalty, and the joy he takes in being a father.  He’s in a bad marriage, which ends, and his earliest plot arcs are about maintaining his relationship with his daughter.  He has a sexual awakening and a fairly LTR relationship with a younger gay man, which is portrayed as overall quite positive...except that the gay man is entirely unwilling to go in on the one thing that has always defined Darryl -- he doesn’t want to marry Darryl or have kids with him, he is not interested in the traditional family stability that Darryl so clearly loves and craves.  Okay, well -- that happens sometimes.  They break up so that Darryl can pursue having more kids on his own, but remain friendly.  I don’t love that an otherwise rewarding queer relationship is depicted as something Darryl has to extricate himself from to have the family he wants, but -- I’m not writing it, okay. It’s a choice.  But at the very end of the series, when it’s wrapping up everyone’s plotlines, the show does two things: it abruptly introduces a woman with a daughter (who receives no real characterization other than Woman With a Daughter) that Darryl quickly marries, creating a lovely large-ish blended family with a mom, and dad, and three kids -- and it makes WiJo, the only specifically gay character on the show, appear in the final scene as an isolated, bitter figure, sitting apart from his friends, bitching about the character everyone else is here to celebrate, not just single but deeply alone.  He’s so alone that the fact his fucking house recently burned down is delivered as a throwaway line by a “friend” of his who has clearly all but forgotten about it.

And that’s -- so fucked up!  It’s not fucked up because Darryl is not allowed to be with a woman.  It’s fucked up because the show has hammered in this clear distinction between Happy Family Man Darryl, whose every wholesome dream of being a husband and father has come true, and Bitter Lonely Queen Josh, who began the series as a jovial and successful, if a little sharp-elbowed, character, and now sits alone in a bar having lost everything.  That’s not just a neutral character choice. It leaves the viewer with the distinct taste in their mouth of queerness being a life detour for Darryl, in between the birth of his two children and his two heterosexual marriages, and it leaves Josh -- who again, has been a series regular all along! That we liked and rooted for! -- as some kind of fucked-up cautionary tale about queer loneliness.  Did the show intend for that to be the takeaway message, that queerness ruined Josh’s life and could have ruined Darryl’s if he hadn’t managed his escape?  Almost certainly not!  But the fact that it does, just coincidentally!, perfectly replicate that string of homophobic narratives -- that queerness is an exploratory phase for bisexual people, that real families are straight families, that gay people end up drinking alone and unloved in a bar -- is really fucking bad, no matter what the intentions were, and it can’t be handwaved away by saying “well, sometimes bi people end up in straight relationships!”  Yeah, they do!  But that’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card for literally writing a story that adheres to the ugliest homophobic and biphobic tropes you can think of.  “Sometimes that happens” is never actually a get-out-of-jail-free card for replicating shopworn and harmful stereotypes about marginalized people in your fiction.

I could add a paragraph here about The Magicians, too, but like.  I feel like I’m on record already.  Long story short: see above.  It’s not inherently biphobic that Quentin ends his life (well, the last ten minutes of his life) with a woman and not a man; it is biphobic that the show goes to enormous lengths to code his relationship with Eliot as a “complicated” detour occurring entirely in the space after his straight relationship fell apart and before he was able to restore it, as literally Another Life from Quentin’s real life, and it is homophobic to end a series with your gay series regular living out some kind of retrograde Evangelical scared-straight tragedy of separation from his loved ones and substance abuse, while the bisexual character’s straight love interest is portrayed surrounded by friends, excited by her future, and at peace. (Oops, I added the paragraph.)

It’s bad.  It’s not good.  Even if it wasn’t intentional, it speaks to something real dark that this is the pattern that creators who think of themselves as queer allies just accidentally trip and fall into without even realizing it.  It speaks to how pervasive these narratives  -- of queer relationships as an interlude or a detour for bi people, of straight relationships as more wholesome and more healing than queer ones -- are even among people who would never think of themselves as hating gay people.  And it’s okay to call this shit out, because it is not biphobic or hostile to bi people’s RL straight relationships, to see what’s right in front of us.

Long story short: do not fuck this up for me, Roswell.  I’m counting on you.  

[itsclydebitches]

It Chapter Two: Aged-Up Protagonists and the Umbridge Effect

Writing reviews, metas, and the like is a lot about timing. If you don’t craft your writing in the immediate aftermath of your source’s release, someone else will beat you to it and, chances are, your audience will be less enthused about reading the same arguments weeks later. (Admittedly, that’s up for debate. I for one am happy to read about the same shit for years on end.) Thus, when I didn’t have the time or the mental energy to write about It: Chapter Two immediately after seeing it in theaters, I knew within a few days that I’d lost a lot of ground. Fans and critics alike have already spoken about the film’s major draws, namely the update on Richie’s sexuality and the canonizing of a beloved, thirty-year-old ship. We’ve also covered the issues that arose out of those positives. In 2019, is it necessary to show a hate crime in such violent detail? By giving us queer characters, have Muschietti and King unintentionally fallen into the trap of treating them badly? One is dead and the other mourns while the straight couple passionately kiss beneath the lake. Faithful adaptation vs. modern activism is a tricky balance to strike. I could rehash all those arguments here, but why bother? They’ve been articulated better by others already. Besides, falling behind means that I now have the space to discuss something just as important to me.

The Losers’ ages.

Now, I’m not sure if you all have noticed, but fantasy adventures aren’t really geared towards adults. That is to say, stories often contain adult content, but that’s not the same thing as putting adults at the center of the narrative. I’ve experienced a niggling sense of displeasure that’s grown stronger with each passing year and it took until my mid-twenties to figure out what it was: I am no longer the hero of many of my favorite stories. Because I’ve grown up. Harry Potter is concerned primarily with the trials and tribulations of characters between the ages of eleven and eighteen. If we return to that world---such as through a certain cursed play---the focus must shift to the new, shiny generation. Anyone who falls through a wardrobe is bound to be a child and if they dare grow up? They’re no longer allowed access to such a fantastic place. Kids are the ones who find the Hundred Acre Woods, or fall down rabbit holes, get daemons, battle Other Mothers when the world gets flipped, or head off onto all sorts of elementary and high school adventures. Sometimes, even those who are adults mistakenly get caught up in this trend. Frodo might be in his fifties, but as a small, kindly hobbit he comes across as younger than the rest of the Fellowship. Since the release of Jackson’s trilogy I’ve corrected more than one new fan who assumed (somewhat logically) that he is in his early twenties, max. It’s an easy mistake to make when we’ve grown accustomed to children and young adults taking center stage in so many fantastic, high-profile adventures.

Of course, there are plenty of counters to this feeling. Just look at Game of Thrones. Though we see much of the story through younger perspectives---such as the Stark siblings---the vast majority of the cast is made up of adults, playing just as pivotal a role as the up-and-comers. Fantasy, Science Fiction, and other speculative story-lines are by no means solely in the hands of minors, yet I think it’s also worth acknowledging that a good majority of those stories do shape our media landscape. Or, if they’re not strictly minors, they’re characters who embody a sort of static young adulthood, the Winchesters and the Shadowhunters and all the television superheroes who might gesture towards markers of adulthood---we have long term relationships, hold down jobs, can impersonate FBI agents without anyone batting an eye---yet are still able to maintain a nebulous form of youth. They all (try to) look and act as if they’re right out of college. The standards of film and television demand that actors appear twenty-years-old even when they’re pushing forty, and the standards of much literature insists that twenty is simply too old for an adventure, period. I can still clearly recall two moments of shock (later agreed upon by my friends) when I encountered unexpectedly older protagonists in genre fiction: the realization that Sophie actually spends the majority of Howl’s Moving Castle as a very old woman and that The Magicians takes place in graduate school. “Wow,” I remember thinking. “When’s the last time that happened?”

What does all this have to do with It: Chapter Two? I don’t have any big twist for you here. It was just really refreshing to see such a fantastical story where our cast is all forty or older. Seriously, can we take a moment to appreciate exactly how much King undermined expectations there? The first half of the novel is structured precisely how we assume it ‘should’ be. There’s a mysterious threat, there are children caught up in the middle of it, and ultimately only they are capable of saving the day. We know this story. We even have the characterization of the town itself to reinforce this structure, a place so warped by evil that only the very young with their open-mindedness and imagination are capable of seeing Derry for what it truly is, illustrated beautifully in the film by Mr. Marsh straight up not noticing a whole room full of blood.

Though they’re It’s prey, children are also the only ones who have any potential power over him. You have to be able to acknowledge a problem in order to fix it and King could have easily ended his story at the first chapter alone, with the group somehow managing to defeat Pennywise for good the first time they set foot in the sewers. A part of me is still shocked he didn’t, if only because the young savior as an archetype was embedded within Western culture far earlier than It’s 1986 publication. From Carrie to The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon, Pet Sematary to Firestarter, King is no stranger to putting children at the center of fantastic tales. Yet he’s also given us numerous adult protagonists, managing to find an enjoyable balance between the two, both within individual novels and his entire corpus. It represents that balance, not just imagining a story where seven (yes, I’m counting Stan) middle-age adults manage to finally save their town, but actually setting up a twenty-seven year jump to allow for that. It's the best of both worlds, exploring the difficulties inherent in both childhood and adulthood, arguing that we need each---that imagination and that experience---if we hope to come out alive.

While watching It: Chapter Two I took note of how many people laughed throughout the film, and not just at the moments set up to be funny (looking at you, Richie). Rather, the film that two years ago had scared the pants off of movie-goers now entertained them in a much more relaxed manner. No one was hiding behind their popcorn; there were no shrieks of fright. I’ve seen more than one reviewer express displeasure at this change. What the hell happened? Isn’t an It film supposed to be scary? Well, yes and no. I think what a lot of people miss is how providing us with an adult cast inherently changes the way fear manifests, both literally in the case of Pennywise’s illusions and thematically in regards to the film itself. This sloppy bitch, as established, preys on children. His tricks have the illogical, fantastical veneer that reflect how children see the world: you’re scared of women with horrifically elongated faces, zombie-like lepers, and hungry mummies. They’re literal monsters emerging out from under the bed. Of course, as adults watching the story we’re easily able to see how these monsters represent much deeper, intangible fears: growing up and disappointing your father, falling ill like your mother always claims you will (to say nothing of contracting AIDS in connection with a budding queer identity), and the danger that comes with being alone and ostracized. Sometimes It: Chapter One gestures more firmly towards those underlying fears---such as the burnt hands reaching for Mike when we know his family died in a fire---but only once does it make the real horror overt, when Pennywise takes Mr. Marsh’s face and asks Bev if she's still his little girl.

Outside of pedophilia and sexual abuse, Chapter One’s real horror is mostly coded, symbolic, left up to (admittedly rather obvious at times) interpretation. It’s just under the surface and we’re meant to be distracted by the fact that, allegorical or not, there’s still a very creepy thing hunting our protagonists from the shadows. For two hours we take on a child’s perspective, biting our nails at all the things we once imagined hid inside our closets. We’re scared because they’re scared.

That mindset irrevocably changes once your group grows up. Forty-year-olds simply don’t freak out in the same way a bunch of thirteen-year-olds would, especially now that they know precisely what’s happening and have the mental fortitude to combat it. At least to an extent. Chapter Two isn’t as traditionally scary for the simple reason that the film now acknowledges what all adults eventually must: there’s nothing in the closet, there’s nothing hiding under your bed. Or if there is, it’s something tangible that can be handled with a calm(ish) demeanor and a well-placed ax. An adult might scream when something jumps out at them, but they’re not as inclined to cower. Adults might still be scared, but they’re better able to push that fear aside in order to take action. The group first reached that point in the sewers--- “Welcome to the Losers’ club, asshole!”---and now fully embodies that mindset with nearly three decades of growth and experience to draw on. This is why Ben investigating the library as a teen reads as teeth-chatteringly scary, but Ben and Bill as adults investigating the skateboard produces only a comment about how they're getting used to this nonsense. They know, and we as the audience know, what the real threat is and whether or not we need to shield our eyes when something starts clunking its way down the stairs.

All of which isn’t to say that Chapter Two isn’t scary. It’s simply scary in a much more realistic manner, killer clowns and Native American rituals aside. The fears have been aged-up along with the cast, stripping away the child-like fantasies that made us wet our pants in Chapter One. What’s the scariest moment outside of the jump scares? When two men and a kid beat a gay man and then chuck him in the river to drown. You’ll note that, unlike in the first film, Pennywise doesn’t actually have to do much work here. Seasoning people up with fear? The rest of the world is doing that for him. That first scene detailing a truly horrific hate crime (which, by the way, is based off of true events) results in a meal delivered straight to Pennywise’s arms. It’s people who targeted that couple, beat one of them within an inch of his life, and then tossed him over a bridge, bleeding and shrieking for help. All Pennywise had to do was scoop him from the water and take that first bite. He’s incidental to the film’s most cringe-worthy scene. We can argue all we want about how it’s Pennywise’s influence that “makes” the town this way, but any queer viewer knows that's simply not the case. In 2019 we're still living this horror, no Pennywise required.

Likewise, the two children we see murdered are much more overtly grappling with fears that have nothing to do with fantastical monsters. Dean, the little boy Bill tries to save in lieu of Georgie, is rightly petrified because a seemingly crazy adult is now stalking him. We as the audience know that Bill is just trying to help----that he’s not the real danger here----but that’s not the perspective this kid has, nor is it the issue the film is grappling with. We first see him approaching an idol of his, Richie, and instead of an enjoyable experience he winds up getting yelled at. The It films are only tangentially interested in the status of fans and their relationship with celebrities, but we know it’s a common theme for King’s work overall. Look at Misery and look at this cameo: a disenchanted fan of the 21st century, criticizing a writer’s novel and leveraging him for money. “You can afford it,” he tells Bill, swindling him simply because he can. The context of this little boy as a fan and Richie as the older, bigger, larger-than-life comedian adds another layer to the interaction. It’s not just an adult verbally attacking a child, it’s an adult this kid worshiped enough to recognize and quote his material from memory. Who easily walks away from that?

This little boy then finds Bill shrieking at a sewer opening, is manhandled by him, and told in the scariest way possible, born of Bill’s own fear, that he has to get out of dodge, fast. There are scary things out there, Dean freely admits that he’s heard kids’ voices coming from the tub drain, but right now the scariest thing is how badly the adults in his life are failing him: parents (from what little we can gather) are distant, his comedic idol is mean, and now this stranger is traumatizing him in the middle of the street. Once again, it’s easy to see how Pennywise isn’t needed to sow fear or even enact cruelty; he’s not a requirement for horrible things in the world, he’s merely their reflection. We see the same setup with the little girl under the bleachers. That scene demonstrates precisely how not scary Pennywise is. Here’s this child putting aside her discomfort over his looks and agreeing to be his friend. What’s worse than a clown with a creepy expression? The knowledge that all the other kids have already rejected you because of a birthmark on your face. Bullying is the far greater threat and one we’re 100% more likely to deal with in our lives than a killer clown, so the second film re-frames Pennywise to better acknowledge this. He’s scary because things like bullying and neglect exist to give him an easy in. He’s even scary because in this moment, hiding under the bleachers, manipulating this little girl, he’s fully embodying a child predator. Chapter One was a primal, “There’s a monster hiding in the shadows” kind of fear. Chapter Two is a, “We’re all going to die from climate change” kind of fear. Logical and largely inescapable. Characters like Richie don't need Pennywise to take some fantastic form to scare him. Homophobia has already done all the work.

Ultimately, I think of this as the Umbridge Effect. Who’s the most hated character in the Harry Potter franchise? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not the Dark Lord responsible for two wars, attempted genocide, and the death of our title character.

We despise Umbridge because she’s real. She’s relatable. She’s grounded in a way that Voldemort could never hope to be. We have no fear that an all-powerful sorcerer is suddenly going to come out of the woodwork and attempt to enslave and/or eradicate everyone without magic. That’s just not on our list of things to worry about. A corrupt politician, however? An instructor who uses her power to emotionally and physically torture students, getting away with it because of a cutesy, hyper-feminine persona? We’ve seen stuff like that. We’ve lived it. Umbridge represents all the real wrongs in the world when it comes to bigotry and privilege. Therefore we hate her---we fear her---in a way we could never hate or fear Voldemort. Now, in It: Chapter Two, Pennywise is the new Voldemort. Is an alien clown with an unhinged jaw and three rows of teeth technically scary? Sure, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the real problems that plague the cast: abuse, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, the fear that someone will hurt or outright kill you over some part of your identity. These are things we continue to fear long after the credits roll and the lights come up, and they’re now barely coded in the story:

It occurred to me halfway through my viewing that the people laughing at the characters’ new plights were the same ones who didn’t flinch when a gay man’s head cracked into the pavement. I had both hands over my mouth during that scene and I wasn’t snickering whenever Eddie had a panic attack, or Ben’s self-confidence took a hit. Because those moments, like our opening, hit pretty close to home for me; I didn’t find them embarrassingly humorous in the way much of my theater did. So many reviews in the last two months have insisted that Chapter Two isn't scary, but I think that depends entirely on whether or not you're struggling with these now explicit threats. We're not dealing with mummies and creepy portraits anymore. Instead, tell me how you feel about holding your partner's hand in public. Do certain memories make you vomit? Or freeze? Consider heading upstairs to the bath? The horror is dependent on how the audience views Bill's stutter coming back, or the bruises on Bev's arms. 

The cast grew up. It’s a fantastic twist. It also means that the horror needed to grow up with them, resulting in a film that could no longer function as a simple, scary clown movie. Our ending reminds us of that. When did people laugh the loudest? When the Losers’ club was bullying Pennywise into something vulnerable. And yeah, I get it. It’s a cheesy moment that we feel the need to laugh at because it’s just so unexpected. Awkward, even. Since when are badass horror monsters defeated with a bit of backyard peer pressure straight out of middle school? If this were any other story, Pennywise would have been defeated by Eddie’s poker. The most scared member of the group finally finds his courage! He has faith that this simple object can kill monsters! He throws it in a perfect arc, splitting the deadlights in two! That’s a heroic ending. Something epic and fantastical, relying on the idea that the Good Guys will win simply because they believe in themselves... but that’s not how the real world works. That ending is a child’s fantasy. Sometimes you do the heroic thing and end up dying anyway. Which isn’t to say that the heroic thing is useless. It saves Richie’s life. It’s just that a single act can’t cure all our ills in the way that storybooks often claim they can. 

How then does an adult deal with huge, intangible problems like bigotry and mental illness---the things Pennywise now fully represents? By saying “Fuck you” to those things again and again with all the support you can possibly wrangle up at your side. You refuse to let those issues control you; you drag those child-like representations into the light and remind yourself just how small they really are. We don’t get to beat something like depression by spearing it with a fire poker in some overblown finale. If we did, we’d all be having a much better time. All you can do is band together with friends and scream that you’re not going to let your fears define you anymore. Pennywise is a symptom of all the true horrors in the world. Sadly, you can’t beat those with a baseball bat. But you can acknowledge the heart of the issue, literally in the case of five friends squeezing until that one symptom, at least, is gone.

Image Credit

#1:https://www.screengeek.net/2018/07/10/it-chapter-2-character-mashups/

#2:https://earlybirdbooks.com/the-re-read-the-lion-the-witch-and-the-wardrobe

#3:https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/7/4/19413771/stranger-things-season-3-review-recap-hopper-elevenrussians

#4:https://comicbook.com/movies/2019/08/08/harry-potter-movies-review-10-years-late-snape-dumbledore-franchise/

#5:https://www.denofgeek.com/us/tv/netflix/277257/give-the-dragon-prince-a-chance

#6:https://www.forbes.com/sites/lindamaleh/2019/04/23/she-ra-and-the-princesses-of-power-season-2-review/#ec7022c42953

#7:https://www.commonsensemedia.org/tv-reviews/avatar-the-last-airbender

#8:https://www.newsweek.com/buffy-vampire-slayer-turns-20-charisma-carpenter-shows-enduring-legacy-and-566123

#9:http://theinspirationroom.com/daily/2009/alice-in-wonderland-the-movie/

#10:https://www.hindustantimes.com/tv/game-of-thrones-this-edited-out-scene-between-bran-and-sansa-reveals-so-much-about-finale/story-qFDHflH2dO6Kcki1wgsEyM.html

#11:https://www.cinemablend.com/new/Why-Ender-Game-Best-Possible-Adaptation-Book-40110.html

#12:https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/supernatural-end-season-15-cw-1196579

#13:https://www.slashfilm.com/it-chapter-two-scene/

#14:https://www.vox.com/culture/2017/9/12/16286316/it-cleaning-up-blood-scene-feminism

#15:http://www.allocine.fr/film/fichefilm-208633/photos/detail/?cmediafile=21647122

#16:https://stanleyyuris.tumblr.com/post/188300897715/chaotic-losers

#17:https://whatculture.com/film/it-chapter-2-every-character-ranked-worst-to-best?page=3

#18:https://www.reddit.com/r/harrypotter/comments/7uhrkz/the_most_hated_character/

#19:https://9gag.com/gag/am2X2Z4?ref=pn.mw

#20:https://screenrant.com/harry-potter-hated-characters-unpopular-worst-ranked/quickview/17

GIFs1-5:https://the-pretty-poisons.tumblr.com/post/188344826978/why-is-everyone-looking-at-me-\like-this

[sadbi-hours]

So I guess 9x07 of ahs decided to come after my deeply angsty ass tonight...and my god, did it do it beauitfully!

Oh, god, this episode bruh...where do I begin?!

Well let's start with Benji! Just when I thought I couldn't connect or feel anything new for Benjamin after the 100th episode than I already processed, welp I ended up being 100% completely wrong...so freaking wrong! I felt it all for this man tonight...I felt everything I could possibly feel for him!

I felt that bittersweet happiness that he emoted after he said his final goodbye to his brother...and he did what he believed was the right thing (spoiler and tw ahead) for the first time in his life...by ending it forever!

That fucking logic hurt me deeply in my soul! I understood it on a gut level. It resonated with me...because for--I am going to get personal, but heck it was a very personal episode tonight--someone who's tried to end their life before, I can empathize with his logic of believing the people you love are better off without the burden of you!

He's thinking of what he believes is best for his son, protecting him the only way he had left and knew how to...he took it as a fool proof plan to defeat RR and end the horrors he started in 1940s by being forced to kill his own mother...who only ever wanted the same before grief and rage twisted her soul and intentions!

I mean that's some deep shit! And Miss Lily Rabe just decided to came for our souls tonight, huh?! Lol! Because how could I condemn her for what she's done! She lost her son in the worst way possible...let it fill her with rightful hate and rage and a call for justice and she unleashed her pent-up emotions in a horrifying way--i am seeing a recurring theme for the ladies of 1984!

And I kind of like how it tied into the blood curse of Camp Redwood! I've been wanting to know more about the camp's logic for keeping everybody who has died stuck there...and we got it and why it may not have been as intricate as some of Ryan's plot twists, I believe it worked beautifully! Sometimes simple is better...and The White Lady's hatred for the camp counselors of any kind is what has keep them there...not a moral thing per say was fucking brillent on his part! Plus Hello our little Friday the 13th easter egg so to speak lol!

And I will just say too that the writing was really on point this episode...for me at least! Ryan wasn't relying solely on soundtrack to get his point across on what we should be feeling...he let the shows composers and Lily and John's amazing acting do it for us and I think that was a wonderful decision!

And speaking of amazing acting, Lily and John both slayed it this episode...I mean their scenes together are what sold me on Ryan's twist! They broke my heart in two...I mean when Benji was giving his speak to the ghosts of Redwood even they were lowkey crying for him, except Montana...she didn't even bother to hide how deeply what he said touched her...and I think that she can relate to him deeply when it comes to losing a sibling that was in some ways your entire reason for existing!

And while we didn't get too much of Benji and Bobby's relationship...I feel like Bobby was probably Benji's only friend...someone despite his jealousy of, understood and listened to him! I see the recurring themes you are sending out there, Ryan Murphy...and tonight, just know that you have my full support of it haha!

(Warning for those who are anti Montana, dark xavier, or xantana...this is their little section but I won't be sticking on them much because there wasn't much of them tonight...which I actually liked but anyways...)

And I guess Montana just runs the ghosts of Camp Redwood now...I mean in her words: Choice! I believe that 100%...and I don't need to explain why lol...but I also like that while they are scared of her and they should be...they also subtly in some ways look to her for or to know how to express compassion! I mean, I love my girl but she is Montana (who hasn't shown much of it besides those two times with brooke in ep 2 and again with xavier in ep 5) and while I know that all of Camp Redwood was crying at Benji's speech, they all tried to hide how much it affected them...all except Montana! She so to speak openly weep for him...and showed him that she understood and felt for him by once again offering up one of her homeboys off as tribute to take him to his mother...

And tbh, I don't know how I feel about that...It could just be Montana always trying to adapt to what people need and crave from others as a way to get what she wants...or she does it because deep down that's who she is: always giving up who she truly is to be what people need her to be!

Richard wanted a ruthless sex kitten...she gave that to him, but that was to get him to do what she wanted...but it still in a way makes my point lol...anynhow, Chet seems to be seeking something of a sister/mother type figure and she's given that to him, by looking out for him and keeping him in check...Xavier wants to have control over his situation, she gave him that (tho my xantana loving ass still thinks there is more to it than that but that's for another day)... Ray wants someone to take his moral conflicts out on, well she lets him bitch her out as he cleans up her kills... and everyone in Redwood wants to leave, she hatches a whole ass plan to maybe help release them from it...and Trevor wants what could have been, so well you know...and I ain't mad because we all know Montana lives for variety and no matter how much she loves someone, she'll never be 100% faithful in a sexual manner, so who knew I'd come to a day i'd be cool with that, but she has never lied about that part of her...and in some ways, she remains me a lot of Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk, who was very similar in that belief...and I swear it's so nice to see a woman in media allowed to be that sexually open and not condemned for it by the people around her who matter...

But we will see, Xavier has been known to be a jealous boy when it comes to Trevor...so who knows how that will turn out?!

And look I know I may be reaching, but that's what I've come away with for her this ep. and I'm just airing it out there haha!

And that leads me to Brooke and her whole debacle this episode:

Not only do Donna and Brooke need a freaking hug after this episode, but I truly thought I couldn't love Brooke more after last ep...and I was pleasantly wrong on both beliefs lol!

I loved her struggle to trust Donna and her motives for helping her...all understandable! Donna and the entire lot of those she's blindly trusted have fucked her over, but I love that here her trust wasn't misplaced. Donna only ever wanted to fix what she's caused...and she never wanted anything else from her. She gave back to Brooke what Brooke gave to her: trust and understanding.

I mean she was so in sync with what Brooke was trying to do with rushing her with the truck...not for a moment did Donna believe she was trying to kill her and I adore it! I seriously thought for a moment that Brooke was going to let her trauma and need for revenge allow her to become Montana 2.0 but she didn't! Brooke has completely stuck to what she believes is right these last two episodes and I 100% love her for it.

And I also liked that entire roller rink scene...and it's underling purpose! Donna let her experience some of what she missed in 80s while in prison...and thank you Ryan Murphy for having one character in 1984 actually in a way healthily air their traumas in a safe place...with a trustworthy (ish) person...and in return get almost a heathy response on how to cope with it!

I forever will give you kudos for that, but I also understand this is ahs and this is also a homage to 80s slashers and the main final character always returns to their greatest horror...and for Brooke that's Margaret and Camp Redwood, but my girl Donna decided to fuck it all and be a ride or die bff for a bitch...and I stan it so hard!

I love how we are getting ahs' verison of a positive female relationship...i'd never thought I'd see the day haha! Ryan just giving everyone something this season!

And Dylan's character, Bruce (?) is it bad I want to see more of him, even tho he's clearly psychotic and probably be looking to end Brooke's life after what she did...which I cheered her on the whole way as she did it...but yeah, please give me more of Dylan's insane character! Please and thank you...as if we didn't have enough chaos going on with only two episodes left, I also want Dylan's brand to be added to the mix haha!

And to Margaret, I still only have one thing to say...

I mean Lavinia said (@scienceandmischief for pointing it out her name to me! Thanks so much ❤) that Margret was already unhinged...Lily's character just nudged her in the direction she wanted to go...she still needs to pay for what she's done and hopefully my wifey Brooke will be the one coming to collect...but I am fascinated by a few things. Has Margaret's fanatic religious talk...been her deep down way of trying to atone for what TWL awoken in her and the things she's done?! I mean I don't know if it really matters at this point with her...but it still makes my brain wheels churn.

[comeondowntosouthparkrpg-blog]

Allison Mertz

Is she still wearing glitter all over her face?

Allison has been accepted! Send in your blog ASAP.

out of character info

Name/Alias: sam(ael) Pronouns: she/ he / they / them Age: 20 Join Our Discord: hella ( exhausted n queer#8766 ) Timezone: est Activity: 5 bc work n stuff Triggers: n / a Password: jimmy can fast pass my ass Character that you’re applying for: “Kinder Vamp” Allison Mertz Favourite ships for your character: Allison / chemistry

in character info

Full name: Allison Verona Mertz Birthday: December 19th Sexuality, gender, pronouns: Heterosexual – questioning, cis female, she / her Age and grade: 15, freshman Faceclaim: Meghann Preddy / @sugoimeg on instagram

Appearance:

Head / face: Allison’s face just exudes innocence. She has big, honey colored – often concealed by colored contacts – doe eyes framed with thick black lashes and sharp eyebrows above. Her features are delicate and feminine – she has a button nose, full lips, rosy cheeks, and a heart shaped face. Her pale skin has few imperfections, she doesn’t have much acne, but she does have moles and freckles scattered about – however, they’re pretty light, making them barely noticeable if you’re not standing close to her. When she smiles, she has soft dimples and pearly teeth with caps over her canines to make them look like they’re longer and sharper. Her hair is naturally black – however, over the years, her purple highlights have started to cover more of her thick locks. The purple fades often – sometimes looking pink-ish, but she tries her best to keep up on dying her hair. She has a deviated septum – this makes it so she can hardly ever smell and breathing through her nose is a struggle.

Body: Allison didn’t grow much since her younger years, topping off at only five feet tall. She’s stayed relatively thin over the years, and if you look at her torso, you can faintly see her bones.   She is actually very anemic – she gets dizzy a lot ( sometimes she even faints ) and craves medium rare steak. Her porcelain skin gets cuts and bruises quite easily, so it’s not unusual for you to see a few cuts or bruises on her at any given time. She has a pear-shaped figure, meaning that her hips are wider than her waist and shoulders.She has a lot of moles and freckles on her body, most of them are pretty light, but there are still a few dark ones. On her ankle, she has a dark birthmark that looks like a big bite mark.

Style: Allison is very into dark and muted colors, so it’s safe to say that her wardrobe isn’t that bright or colorful. On a normal day, you can see her in a pair of dark jeans, combat boots, a simple dark shirt, and a cardigan or jacket / hoodie of some sort. She doesn’t like wearing skirts or dresses much, because she strongly dislikes showing off her legs, as she often gets random bruises from going about, and isn’t comfortable showing them off. In the warmer months, showing off her midriff isn’t an issue for her. She has prescription glasses, but hardly ever wears them in public. In style terms, she can be described as edgy, in a classic way, but still comfortable, and more than willing to accessorize. Allison is the type of person to hang chains from her belt loops, and decorate her book bag with pins.

Personality:

Allison is generally a sweet and bubbly girl – but, that’s not to say she can’t be a bitch at times, particularly when provoked. She’s very opinionated, so sometimes her words don’t always come out the way she wants them to. What I mean is that she’s kind of a passive aggressive brat – unless she likes you, then of course she’ll tell you exactly what she thinks, in a assertive, rather than undertone based way. When it comes to emotions, she doesn’t really know what to do about them. She tends to isolates herself until they go away – or if she’s around people she trusts, she’ll try and distract herself with them or ask them for advice. Most of the time, she tries her best to conceal her feelings and show everyone her best self.

She’s a very intelligent kid – it’s more book smarts than street smarts – and she earns mostly a’s and b’s. Despite that, she isn’t the fastest learner, her best work takes the practice from revision. Taking the extra time to study so she can keep up with other students, she has an intense phobia of failure. Even though the young girl knows she’s pretty smart, she’s very insecure about her knowledge. She will often beat herself up over getting things wrong as she hates messing up. Her smarts are more rooted in her hardworking and studious habits, something she tries her best to work towards, and gets upset when she fails at.

Like most girls her age, Allison strives to be liked and validated by her peers and even of her elders ( aka the older kids ). She does her best to be nice to mostly everyone – offering her friendship to those who she feels are worthy, or who she thinks is just plain interesting. For instance, she still doesn’t smoke cigarettes, but due to seeking validation and sequentially falling into the trap of peer pressure, she started smoking weed. Flora was the root provider, and instigator of this. Which in turn, helps with her chronic migraines.

History:

One freezing December night, young Olive Mertz went into labor, her husband Xavier by her side at all times. The birth didn’t go as planned, halfway through, the baby girl got stuck. The doctors had no choice other than to transition into an emergency caesarean section ( c-section ). Thankfully, there weren’t any other complications, and the birth went well. Olive and Xavier decided to name their new baby girl Allison Verona Mertz.

Allison was a pretty abnormal baby. She was quiet most of the time – hardly ever waking her parents up out of their sleep – and was very calm. She never got along well with most other children, so Olive didn’t take her out much, trying her best not to upset her little angel. Since she was an only child, she got almost all of her mother and father’s attention – and they were guilty of spoiling her with gifts and almost anything she wanted. When she hit the age of four, her parent’s marriage started to fall apart bit by bit.

Of course, Allison was young and didn’t really understand what was happening between her parents – but she knew that it wasn’t good. Olive and Xavier got into arguments almost daily. The quarrels were rarely about anything in particular that would cause problems – such as neglect or affairs – no, it was mostly little things that the two found annoying about each other. Maybe one day, Olive would hear the smack of Xavier’s lips as he ate, and she’d put up with it for mere seconds before bursting out in anger. Allison would often go to her room and occupy herself with drawing or writing – trying her best to not pay attention to the screaming adults downstairs.

Around a year after the arguments started, she started school. Allison felt out of place in Kindergarten, but quickly found a group of people that were willing to take her in; The South Park Vampire Society. The group comforted her during hard times and made her feel at home. They were like her second family. She loved them with every fiber of her being. She dealt with the disgusting taste of clamato juice just to feel like she was a part of something. The vampires were her happy place – they felt like home.

Five years of the constant arguments had passed before the two got divorced. Once Allison understood what they were going through, she was actually happy that they’d gotten away from each other. Not long after the split, Olive and Xavier had started a custody battle over Allison. She bounced between her parents houses, which exhausted her mentally. In order to ease her mind from all of this, she began taking piano lessons and writing poetry.

Two years after the custody battle started, it had ended. Olive and Xavier settled for joint custody – meaning that Allison would be spending the weekdays with Olive and she’d spend the weekends with Xavier. When Allison’s twelfth birthday came along, Olive decided to get her a pet – at first, Allison requested getting a bat, but her mother wasn’t too keen on that – instead she got a Brewer’s Blackbird.

Now, she’s fifteen and much happier than she used to be, from utilizing healthy coping mechanisms, and healthier habits, her stress levels have lowered and she’s pleased with her living situation. She’s kind of a ( not-so-secret ) weeb, from using anime as an escape from her problems, like when she’s too drained to play piano or write poetry.

Sample paragraph:

It was the end of the day and many students were rushing the leave the school, but Allison stayed behind. Today, she was going to try something new – something that scared her out of her wits. She was going to share her poetry. She’d contacted the leader of the poetry club earlier in the week, she was told to come by to check out the club before she officially decided to join – and she was doing just that.

Allison took a seat beside the one person she was familiar with there – Bloodrayne, or rather, Katie Gelson. The club leader stood before the rest of the members and began to speak. “Today, instead of working on something new, we’ll share something we’ve already written. Each member will stand where I am, and read their poetry. I’ll go first.” They said with a gentle smile. One by one, each member read a piece of their poetry, and then it was Allison’s turn.

“Allison, come on up.” The leader spoke. She obeyed and went before the rest of the members with a piece of paper in her shaky hands. She examined the faces of the members who were waiting for her to read the words on the paper. Her eyes landed on Katie, who just gave a nod and a barely noticeable smile. She nodded to herself and began,

“Somewhere, tucked away in the vastness of it all, hidden between the horizon and the sea, there exists a world where you are loving ‘the one who got away’, where the words you never allowed yourself to say flow freely between your teeth. There exists a realm where everything you’ve done, you’ve done differently. It’s where you chose happiness. Maybe you’re much more joyful there – but that’s not the point. Maybe, just maybe, despite the regret, despite everything, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. Right here, right now.”

The members shared a quiet applause. Allison felt like she was going to burst out in tears, but she didn’t. She just smiled sweetly and went back to her seat, taking deep breaths to calm her nerves.

Maybe this is where she was supposed to be.

Headcanons:

♡  She still doesn’t drink coffee; she usually goes for tea or hot cocoa.

♡  She loves the vampires dearly – and still goes to meetings and stays active in the vampire society.

♡  She has a lisp, even without her fangs in. She actually considered getting her teeth permanently sharpened to look like a vampires, but she decided against it because it was way too expensive.

♡  She also still writes poetry and plays piano at school. In fact, she really likes classic literature and poetry, she’s in the photography club and the poetry club.

♡  She has a pet Brewer’s Blackbird named Echo. Originally, she wanted a bat, but her mother is was very against it ( as mentioned in history ) – so she got a blackbird. Echo is now three years old. She’s also very protective of Echo, and doesn’t usually resort to violence, but if you hurt her birdie, she’ll probably try to stab you.

♡  She loves cop dramas and true crime shows, she really enjoys the mystery behind them, and the suspense leading up to the grand reveal.

♡  Her dream job is to own a funeral home and be the head mortician.

♡  She used to have one of the biggest crushes on Dougie O’Connell – the feelings have mostly dissolved.

♡  Her aforementioned chronic headaches have lead to having to take time off of school, and will often impair her vision.

Anything else: i hope i meet the requirements this time!! thank you for the second chance and putting up with my shit!! ♡♡

[hillvalleyfilmsociety]

I saw three movies in the last week. They were pretty different to each other, but I quite enjoyed all of them, so I'm resurrecting my film blog to write reviews of them. To 2018, and resolutions to write more!

Call Me By Your Name (2017) Dir: Luca Guadagnino

I was very interested in this pre-release, even though I had never read the book. Luca Guadagnino caught my eye with 2015's A Bigger Splash, which is stylistically very familiar to CMBYN, and which I really enjoyed. Guadagnino shines in the aesthetic of his films, in the beautiful scenery and silences between sparse dialogue. Both create a languid, sumptuous mood - wealth and privilege on show, yet somehow not ostentatious to the viewer.

But where this mood creates distance and miscommunication between the characters of ABS, it brings the characters of CMBYN closer, creates warmth between them, bringing the viewer into Elio's extended family as easily as they welcome Oliver. The film is set over a summer in Northern Italy in 1983, and Guadagino skillfully captures the feeling of a slow, lazy summer pre-internet, where all there is for the teenaged main character, Elio (Timothée Chalamet), to do is lie around the pool swimming or reading, long family meals, piano practice or biking into town.  

Before I go any further, I have to discuss the opening credits, which go on for at least ten minutes and effortlessly set the tone for the casual opulence of the world of the film. Gentle, upbeat classical music plays over photos of classical sculptures - something that Elio's academic father and the grad student who he invites to work with him over the summer seem to be working in the field of - while the credits are written in a messy but elegant script, in a warm yellow shade. All of this somehow worked to already create the mood that pervades the rest of the film - casual wealth and intelligence, warmth and inclusion - before you even meet the Perlmans, and the beautiful villa they spend holidays in.

Some viewers might dislike watching films with wealthy people languishing in villas on holidays, but in the way that Guadagnino presents it, it's enchanting. I loved the feeling of seeing the easy, comfortable way the Perlmans (Elio's family) live on holiday, with their freshly made apricot juice and their family meals in a shaded grove. As I mentioned earlier, it creates a very welcoming vibe that helps you understand the mindset of the newcomer to this idyll, grad student Oliver (Armie Hammer).

The movie is really Chalamet's, and more on him below, but Hammer does quite well in a less showy role as Oliver - who has been invited to spend six weeks at an Italian villa working with an academic he seems to not have personally met before arriving. A great honour, clearly, but it's also awkward, and Hammer plays this slight dissonance well -  he's a non-European American (like the rest of the Perlmans) which is both exciting and awkward to the gathered family and friends of the Perlman. Hammer's Oliver is a lot of contrasts, both interested and scared/offended by Elio, both very confident towards him and very hesitant, both cool and dorky. Armie Hammer's being doing a few lower budget indie, and more off the wall projects since the Lone Ranger debacle didn't launch him into the leading man blockbuster stratosphere, and personally, I think he's much better in these than attempting to be another leading man type. (And for that matter, I am genuinely annoyed both he and Michael Stuhlbarg were passed over for Oscar noms, so they could give two to Three Billboards. It's not like Hammer would have got it, but I think he certainly deserved the nomination.)

As I said though, Chalamet is the standout - it's his story and he does a lot with it. His Elio is very reminiscent of the frustrating uncomfortableness of being a teenager - he's awkward, moody, bitter, cheeky, afraid, delicate and above all, real. What was beautiful about this film is how much everyone loves Elio - he's not always kind and good, but he is also a teenage boy - but his sexuality doesn't shut him off from other people. It's not an isolationist story, like a lot of queer film narratives are. While I can understand the urge to show that side of things, it's incredibly gratifying to see a film about a queer boy in the eighties, where if everyone doesn't know for certain they probably are aware of it in some respect, and they don't seem to care. They just love him, and Chalamet plays Elio's connections with everyone (not just Oliver) beautifully. He certainly deserves his Oscar nomination, even though he's not the favourite to win. He's also in the Oscar nominated Lady Bird, and my feeling is that (hot take alert) he's gonna be big.

Further from this, I love how tactile the characters in this film are. Elio is very cuddly and childlike sometimes with his parents, who are very affectionate to him - and no one tells him "a seventeen year old boy shouldn't do that" which is a blessing. He's very affectionate with the girls he's friends with. His later dynamic with Oliver - once they've admitted to feeling something  for each other - is very affectionate too, kind of awkward but in a sweet way. Not all their encounters are just these highly eroticised moments (which is not to say that none of them are). This makes their burgeoning relationship very real, like a seventeen year old boy fumbling his way toward a relationship that will always be meaningful, a first love more than just lust. Not that his dynamic with his sort-of girlfriend Marzia is unloving, just different, but no less sweet in its newness to the both of them.

On that note, I'm sure some people will say that there was a “lack of explicit sex scenes” in this movie. To that, I say PAH. It’s not like this movie is sanitised and sexless (hello, peach scene. yep.) It’s quite erotic in parts, quite good at conveying Elio's attraction to Oliver, and vice versa. But it feels like (unlike hetero love stories) that queer media is often all or nothing: either completely sexless, even affectionless even in a good relationship (Mitch and Cam on Modern Family didn’t even kiss on screen till like mid season two or three) or incredibly sexualised, and featuring intense sex scenes. This movie walks the rare line between the two - very affectionate (in private, natch) but allowing them the dignity of not being watched - as they always are, even by relatively benign eyes around them - in the moment of consummation. (For more on this - Jason Adams' delicate and moving review, Call Me With Kindness) It’s not even as though there are no on-screen sex acts in the film, either, so I'll say that I think it was a good, well-done balance.

If I had any slight problem with the narrative, it was that I found it hard to understand the progression of Elio and Oliver's relationship pre the mutual reveal of feelings - but that seemed to be a stylistic choice, and ABS was much the same, where the characters barely verbally communicated for a lot of the beginning arc of the film. It could be deliberately unclear- neither of them really know what the other thinks of them until they admit things together, while they're alone for once. Either way, it didn't much mar my enjoyment of their story which is emotional and complex but also very sweet.

The last thing I have to talk about is Michael Stuhlbarg, who is rapidly becoming one of my favourite actors (and who again, I am furious has not picked up any Oscar nominations for any of the great work he did in 2017). He was in two thirds of the films I saw recently, and he managed to be very moving in two small-ish roles. The scene where he tells Elio not to mock his friend and his male partner, that if he can be as knowledgeable as him and as good he'll be "a credit to him". Elio's father is a good man, and you can tell from this moment he doesn't care who Elio loves as long as he doesn't grow up boorish and ignorant. In fact, as much as the love story is engaging, my favourite scene of the file is when Elio and his father discuss Oliver after he has left. It was incredibly affecting to me - Elio's father doesn't come out and say he knew for certain about them, but refers to their "friendship" in the kindest, most respectful way, possibly even hinting about his own sexuality - not necessarily that he's closeted, but that he may have had an Oliver in his past he was too afraid to have anything happen with. Stuhlbarg is just so good, so affecting and plays really well off Chalamét, who allows Elio just the right amount of vulnerability and emotion.

Not to mention, Sufjan Stevens' two gorgeous original songs for the film, but I'll close this out by saying that there's a certain kind of idea about the kind of queer romance film that gets the Academy's attention - that it has to be sad, that the characters have to suffer and end up unhappy, and everyone can discuss how tragic it was. That sort of story is fine, because yes historically many LGBT people couldn't be open or take chances, and many did suffer. But that's not the only LGBT narrative to be told, even when set decades ago - and I'm thrilled to see films like 2016's Carol, 2017's Best Picture Winner Moonlight, and CMBYN tell a new kind of queer narrative where the characters are allowed to be happy even in an oppressive time, where the characters can break up and be miserable because of that (and not because of illness or bigoted violence), where the focus is just the love story. It gives me hope for the generation of younger LGBT viewers to see themselves outside of misery narratives.

4/5 stars

[sanvitheartificer]

Dear Yuletide Author,

I've never managed to make sign ups before, so this'll be my first year doing Yuletide, and I'm really excited! Here's some things.

General things I like in stories:

-queer characters and headcanons; spectrum sliding of all kinds (so, could be skin color, mental health, anything – diversity is exciting!). If you’re not comfortable with doing this, I get it, take care of yourself! {if you’re not sure what I mean, basically: taking a character who’s canonically white and implied to be straight and writing them as bi and black, for example.}

-Personal things you enjoy having a place in the story you write (so like if you know a lot about making dresses in the seventeenth century and it comes up in the story that's always really cool)

-Clever headcanons that explain and recontextualize canon.

-magic, whimsy, and bittersweet endings

-happy and hopeful endings

-Found family, and coming together and surviving difficult situations with your found family

-Hopeful apocalypses; the conflicts of the story no longer matter and everyone has to work together to survive, but there’s a sense that everyone will survive and things will get better over time, even if they suck now

-Things that are on the edge between dreamlike and not-dreams, and maybe sometimes they have real effects but you can't quite tell.

-Alternate universes or settings with more fantasy

-Time travel, fix-it fics: I'm not sure this applies to any of my fandoms but in general I really like it. Any kind of time travel: loops, inhabiting younger body, older you shows up and younger you is still a thing, living as a time-displaced wanderer... all of this is great. Even if I didn’t mention it specifically I’m pretty much always down for a time travel AU.

-Language differences having an effect on the story

-Clever wordplay and riddles and mysteries that matter to the story

-Children allowed to be children, but also having wisdom that matters

-Characters being self-aware and working to improve

-Stories where romance is not the focus, and friendship and family are valued highly. Gen stories.

-Crossovers and AUs

Things I don't want in stories (starred ones are 'hard' rules; others are preferences)

-Hopeless endings

-Things that are dark for the sake of darkness*

-Demonizing a character; changing/removing core character traits

-Unhealthy relationships portrayed as healthy or desirable

-Explicit porn (Not for Yuletide. Thanks!)*

-Eye gore. Please just don't describe things touching eyes.*

-Gore in general is not great

-Slice-of-life fics without any kind of fantasy or magic aren't my favorite

Thank you so much for signing up! I'm so excited to see whatever you come up with! Feel free to get inspired and ignore these ideas, beyond the hard rules! I consider all of this more of a bouncing-off point, and I trust your judgment. I'd also love to talk more after Yuletide if you want to? I like talking to people who are enthusiastic about things I'm enthusiastic about, and brainstorming can be really fun.

Here's the copies of my specific-fandoms requests:

Calvin and Hobbes: Calvin and Hobbes grow up but they hold on to the magic that existed when they were kids, although it's a rocky road at times.

I would prefer that you avoid stories where Calvin comes to live entirely in the real world, *and* stories where he lives entirely in a new fantasy world. Calvin and Hobbes' world feels to me one with feet on the ground and head in the clouds, and I would love if you could preserve that sense.

I like queer headcanons (aro or ace or both Calvin would be super cool!)

I really love crossovers for Calvin and Hobbes, and I'd really like to see one(s) with Lilo and Stitch. 

I’d prefer gen and I don’t like Calvin/Hobbes as a pairing.

Nimona: How do they end up where they are, and where do they go after the story is over? I'm really interested in backstories and worldbuilding for this universe; I do kind of ship Ballister and Ambrosius, but please don't ignore the ways in which their relationship (in the general, not-romantic sense of 'relationship') is and has been unhealthy in the past if that's where you go with this.

I'm also down for AUs where they're all a happy family or something; it's not something I'd normally want to read, but dragon shapeshifter baby and two harried dads sound hilarious.

Also, the woman with the device (I haven't read it in a while; forgive me I do not remember her name). I would love to see more of her. What's going on with her life?

Megamind: Oh man I have so many different ideas for this. You don't have to do all of these; really you don't have to do any of them, but here's my list of ideas:

AU in which Roxanne is an alien (whether she's the 'Megamind' parallel or the 'Metroman' is up to you, but I'd love to see Megamind as her counterpart and then they kiss)

-Gender fuckery

-Minion focus (how old was he when the planet was destroyed? How does his mind work?)

--On that note, how do the brainbots think?

--What was life on Minion's and Wayne's first planets like? What did their parents do? What did those societies look like? How did it cope with imminent death -- did other babies get propelled out into the world? If not, why Megamind specifically?

-Wayne eventually growing up, after the movie, and doing something meaningful with his life

-Apocalyptic AU in which they all have to work with each other (I'm imagining that the movie didn't happen in this circumstance, but I'm okay if it did, and apocalypse happens after)  

Feel free to focus in on one character and not include all of them :)

The Breakfast Club: The Breakfast Club always felt relateable to me, because I've also had those kinds of microcosm friendships -- and they've often faded away once the moment passes. Does the Breakfast Club hold on to their friendship during the stresses of high school, and after? If not, do they ever reconnect? What does this thing that happened mean to them, later in their lives?

I'm also down for ridiculous AUs with superpowers or time travel or crossovers or fusions. 

Princess Princess Ever After: I want to hear about their adventures without each other, and adviser guy: what does he get up to? How do their parents respond; how do they all end up where they are? And maybe what happens when they're married and they have kids what do the kids do? What happens next? What's Amira's brother doing?

Also, also: I really, really want them to kiss. But honestly just give me moooooar of anything about this beautiful story.

Atlantis: The Lost Empire: There's a lot of stories I really want to see within this fandom.

One is an epic tale rewriting the whole thing where the white savior trope is less of a thing, Atlantis makes sense as a society, full of political intrigue and history and worldbuilding. honestly this isn't quite my cup of tea, but I also really want explanations where this world makes sense, so if you're pulled towards this I would love to read it.

Second: a couple hundred years in the future Atlantis decides to reveal itself. What does that integration look like? Maybe space is involved! Stargate crossover could be cool because it has another linguist.

Another is just... give me anything with Audrey and Vinny and Sweet and Helga and Mole and all these people, dealing with returning to the world, maybe Milo returning much later. They're immortal, or something close; time is strange and they have adventures and it's hard to adjust to this world but they have to, so they do. They have adventures, they create things; they live their lives, affected by this brush with the fantastical but stuck in a normal-ish world. I feel like Sweet, Mole, and Wilhelmina get overlooked a lot, and I’d especially like to see more of Sweet, but I also love Audrey and Vinny so. Anything goes. 

I'd also like to see any of their lives growing up, or Milo's ... uncle? Whoever it was? and his adventures.

I'm also a linguistics geek so I'd really love to see more realistic language problems, and I'm actually down to read an entire story that's just 'Milo studies things', esp. if you convey the mystery and excitement of a good problem. He’s a geek and I love him. 

Or Kida's life growing up! What is Atlantis like? Worldbuilding this fascinating place. Or ancient history; what's Kida's mother like? Or life of random Atlantis urchin or why did the Atlantians forget or highschool AU that’s Kida/Milo or really... anything that's got at least a touch of magic in this setting.

[arlessiar]

Eleven questions

I’m incredibly late with answering this, but it took me a while and then the whole Kingsman SDCC thing happened in-between. So no idea if people are still interested in this, but now that I’ve written it I also want to post it. :)

I was tagged by @notbrogues @hartwin-af and @spockri

rules: 1. always post the rules. 2. answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. write 11 questions of your own and tag 11 (or however many) people to answer them.

Questions by @notbrogues

1. Describe your least favourite character.

In general, the pointless love interests, the boring villains, the almighty and flawless heroes, the dumb and helpless females

(And just in case, the opposite – my favourite characters are the caring doctors, the smart geeks, and the loners, misfits and underdogs *g*)

2. A go-to comfort meal/snack/treat.

When my Mum crumbs meat or veggies to fry them she always makes a small fried bread/omelette from the rest of the eggs and breadcrumbs. She adds salt, pepper and some cheese. It’s an old Silesian tradition, my Gran always did that and we still do it today. It means home and comfort for me and I love it and I’ll defend it from every other hungry person in the house. It’s mine. My precious. Me eats it alone! *eg*

Apart from that – Avocado. Chickpeas. White chocolate. Chocolate digestives.

3. Describe a perfect vacation,     with no limit on funds or how long you can stay there.

I go there quite often, but still, London. It’s been my happy place for years. And from there I’d go to Cornwall, to the Lake District, the Brecon Beacons and the Highlands. With unlimited funds I’d take my parents with me or my BFF, and we’d spend lots of time visiting all the manors and country houses!

4. Do you listen to podcasts? If so, what are you favourites?

Listened to the Three Patch Podcast in the Sherlock fandom, but only a few times. Not really my thing in general.

5. One widely accepted fanon headcanon that you just don’t agree with?

Hmm, I like most of the fanon and can live with the rest. Not so keen on Percival being Roxy’s Dad. Distantly related, yes, but I can’t imagine him as her father.  

6. One story/movie/song/album/piece of art that resonated with you and that you will never be able to forget?

There’s so much I could write here, but I have to make a decision, so:

Stories, movies – too many to count!

Song and album – R.E.M., Automatic for the people, “Everybody hurts”. My fav forever band, and that song saved my life during a very low phase I went through in my teens. Oh, and Jeff Buckley’s version of Cohen’s “Hallelujah”. Listening to that for the first time was a revelation.

Piece of art: My favourite picture is Caspar David Friedrich’s Wanderer above the sea of fog. I could stare at it for hours. Also, seeing Van Gogh’s Sunflowers for real in the National Gallery had blown my mind and I’ll go to look at it every time I’m in London.

When I was a teen there was an exhibition in my city with photographs from Nan Goldin. Our art teacher took us there and most of my classmates weren’t prepared for this rather explicit art. For me though a gate had opened, I finally understood the art of photography, and it’s been a passion of mine ever since.

7. If you have a day off, no responsibilities or pressing matters to attend to: what are you doing for the rest of the day?

Three words – Lego, AO3 and tumblr.

8. Favourite past trend that you are most nostalgic for?

I honestly never really followed trends a lot, so I’ve no idea what to say here. ^^ What I really really miss is the way they made computer games in the Nineties. Give me a good old fashioned Adventure with tricky puzzles and I’m happy.

9. What’s a hobby/skill you’ve always wanted to learn?

Playing the harp or the violin. And archery. Might still try the latter one day.

10. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

So sorry, but I have to skip this one... I don’t dream much anymore. The only thing I can say is: Hopefully still surrounded by the people who I love more than my own life.

11. What was your first fandom? First OTP? First NOTP? Any memorable experiences from those early days?

My first fandom was Star Trek, around 1991. I always blame my Dad for me becoming a geek because it was him who told me to watch TOS. :) Wrote my first story in a notebook when I was twelve, no OTP though then, it was rather Mary Sue-ish. ^^ Then we got our first computer, and I had moved on to DS9. More stories, now on computer, still no OTP but lots of h/c. Then we got internet in 1996, and I was having some sort of epiphany – there was this world-wide phenomenon called fanfiction! I was not alone! An amazing discovery! Saw my first slashfic at that time, Garak/Bashir, and I was 16 and all like ‘ewww’ and backed away from it (so that was probably my first NOTP).

Being a Tolkien fan for years I easily fell for the LOTR films later and wrote FF for that and published my first stories. Arwen/Aragorn was my first fandom OTP I guess. Saw more slashfic, Legolas/Aragorn, and I was still not convinced, but I read one. While I never shipped that pairing, slashfic in general suddenly started to look appealing. Well, and today I say “all I’ve learnt about sex, I’ve learnt from fanfic”, because those years were really educational… ;)

Next fandom was Stargate Atlantis (OTP McShep), my online fan-life started in earnest then with the Gateworld forum and LJ, then Torchwood (OTP Ianto/Jack), then Sherlock (OTP Johnlock). And here I am now, in the Kingsman fandom, with Hartwin and Merhartwin being my OTPs.

Now @hartwin-af

1. Who are your favourite artists/actors/fictional characters?

I admire Viggo Mortensen both as an actor and as an artist. And Colin Firth has been one of my favourite actors for many years. Closely followed by Chris Pine and Matt Damon. I also think Meryl Streep is a goddess.

Fav fictional characters: Aragorn, Sherlock, Mr Darcy and tons of others, among them right now Harry Hart :)

2. What are your favourite tv shows/movies?

Fav TV shows from the past: Star Trek DS9, Torchwood, MASH, SGA, Sherlock, Flying Doctors, Diagnosis Murder, Queer as folk

Recent TV shows: Agents of shield, Poldark, The Handmaid’s tale

3. What/Who do you fear?

Dying alone

4. What are you looking forward to the most?

At the moment my summer holiday and Kingsman 2.

5. What’s your biggest pet peeve?

The acceptance of ignorance you see nowadays. It’s ok to lack knowledge, but one shouldn’t be proud of it. It’s no badge of honour to boast about. There’s something you don’t know – go and look it up.

6. If you could make one thing canon in your fandom, what would it be?

DAISY UNWIN

7. Do you hoard usernames? 

Nope. In fact I’m known for having the same username for decades and almost everywhere…

8. Coke or Pepsi? Tea or Coffee? KFC or McDonald’s? 

If at all, Coke. Coffee, with tea being a close second. McDonald’s, but rather Burger King!

9. What would make today better?

Less humidity. Apart from that it’s been a pretty fine day. :) 

10. What’s your favourite scent?

Privet when it’s in bloom.

11. What’s your proudest achievement?

Finishing my university degree (MA)

And @spockri

1)  Are you a morning person or a night owl? 

100% night owl

2) What is your OTP (and you can only pick 1!) and why? 

Currently Hartwin. It just… happened. Love the fact that they’re so different and yet so similar, and that there’s tons of chemistry between them.

3) What is your favorite thing about Colin Firth? 

His smile. Absolutely.

4) What’s your favorite book and how would you recommend it to someone who’s never heard of it? 

That is in fact Atwood’s “The handmaid’s tale” and has been for years. I would recommend it as a book that’s become scarily relevant again in the light of the current political situation in the US.

5) Where is your favorite place to read? 

Used to be my bed, but the older I get, the less comfortable it becomes. So today it’s my desk chair. And Parliament Hill when I’m in London.

6) What was your last impulse buy? 

Clothes. I have way too many clothes… send help! Or Livia Firth, so that she can rip me a new one. Or Colin so that he can rip my clothes off… ok, wait, I need to stop.

7) What is/was your favorite subject in school? 

That was English and Art

8) Are you an introvert or extrovert? 

Introvert, INFJ. And an HSP. 

9) Do you have any trips/vacations planned this year? 

Most likely London again in August, and a short trip within Germany to visit two wonderful friends in October

10) What would you do if you saw Colin Firth walking on the other side of the street from you? 

In my dreams I’d work up the courage to walk over to him and smile and say hello and ask politely for an autograph… depends on the situation though. So in reality I’d most likely try not to bother him to respect his privacy and just stare at him from afar… while silently hyperventilating

11) I probably know you because we’re both into Kingsman, so when did you first watch Kingsman and what drew you to it?

When it came out I saw many posts about it on my tumblr dash and had no idea what it’s about. Thought it must be a big thing though and decided to watch it one day, but ignored it then on tumblr in order not to spoiler myself accidentally. It was on my list for a while and I finally bought the DVD in November 2016. Watched it with my parents. Was hooked in a second. This rarely happens to me, but I liked that the movie didn’t take itself overly serious but was still believable, and that the story had no loose ends. Also, suits and Savile Row (love a man in a good suit), and Colin Firth. Sold. The rest is history.

- - - - - 

Now, eleven questions from me, just in case anyone still wants to do this and isn’t sick of this meme already. :)

1)      What did you want to become as a child, and what did you become?

2)      If you were allowed to dress your favourite actor however you’d like, who would it be and what would she/he look like afterwards?

3)      Did you ever cry while reading a book or watching a film, and if yes, when was the last time that happened and why?

4)      What is your favourite piece of jewellery that you own?

5)      If you could invent and play any kind of yet non-existent role in an existent movie, who would you like to be?

6)      You have to share a room with a Kingsman character for one night. Who will it be and why?

7)      Did you have a comfort toy as a child and if yes, what happened to it?

8)      What is the colour/design of your bedclothes?

9)      What was your happiest fandom moment so far?

10)   The last film you saw in the cinema

11)   You invite your favourite fictional character for dinner and you’re having pizza. They say it’s your choice – what kind of pizza would you order for them?

You all probably did that already, I’m sorry!!

@agentdagonet @ripgalahad @jeherion @jesspaw @londongypsy @letmecomealong @galahadthelate @solarrift @lady-mephistopheles @fideliant @deepdarkwaters

[lbmisscharlie]

On queer spinsters

Queer spinsterdom is a state I think a lot about: as someone who identifies as queer, as a woman (ish), as demisexual (ish), and who is generally happier single than partnered, I feel invested in it as a personal identity and state of being and as a mode of representation. The thing is, though, that like lots of queer representation, like lots of representation of women, like lots of representation of single women, the representation around queer spinsters is pretty fucking shitty. 

The impetus for this post, right now, is that yesterday afternoon I went to see Their Finest. I had been intrigued by it, because I do love a British WW2 home front drama, and become doubly interested when this photoset of Rachael Stirling looking very dapper in her role as Phyl Moore went around. I love Rachael Stirling! I love ‘40s dapper costuming! I love Rachael Stirling playing queer/queer-coded characters in period pieces! And, in Their Finest, it’s not just coding - there are three separate moments that affirm Moore’s queerness. Great!

I went in with anticipation; I came out feeling absolutely gutted.

Part of this, to be fair, is that for all that the movie seems light, it’s actually pretty intense, with lots of complicated and sometimes contradictory human emotions. [Spoilers ahoy]

But it’s also that it offers up a queer female side character, something ever so popular for one’s WW2 media these days, gives her steely resolve and ambition, moments of levity and bonding with the other main female character, and absolutely no internal life beyond what she can offer to the main heterosexual pairing. The other side characters get to have mentions of family - one of the other writers has a sick or disabled wife that he takes care of, one of the main actors in their film has a developed friendship with his agent and then a budding romance with his agent’s sister (and oh, yeah, even the agent gets to mention his worries about how his sister is doing), another actor mentions getting in touch with his mom. After the two main characters, played by Sam Claflin and Gemma Arterton, and the leading secondary character, played by Bill Nighy, Stirling has the next most screen time and lines.

And yet, the only mention of any life outside of her job we get -- the only time she talks about the impact of the war on her own psyche, or makes a human connection with another character from her own impetus (rather than responding to a connection offered) -- is when she’s talking about her landlady’s death and hearing her landlady’s husband crying through the walls of her flat. There is literally a wall between her and the nearest available expression of human emotion. She only accesses grief through someone else’s (straight, married) mourning. And the whole point of her telling that story is to encourage Arterton’s character to tell Claflin’s she loves him, thus operating essentially as the catalyst for the culmination of the hetero love story. When that culmination is thwarted, too, she gets to help our straight female lead figure out a more independent life - a storyline that on its own I applaud, but in the context reads like yet another queer sidekick who only exists for the enrichment of her straight friends. 

So what? She’s ambitious, she’s steely, she’s humorous, she’s stylish - I love all of those things! But she’s basically nothing beyond that: a queer spinster, so alone that she can only experience emotion through a fucking wall or by encouraging the coupling off of the straight leads. She’s queer, and she’s alone, and the only happy endings she gets are the ones they write for their films. 

This hit me hard because I’m ever in the middle of negotiating a life with essentially no representation, no image of what it might be to be a queer woman who’s single but not lonely, who’s ambitious but not heartless, whose relationships with her friends and family are full and fruitful in both directions. 

It hit hard because it came on the heels of another lonely queer spinster representation that I saw recently: that of Alex Bornstein’s character in the pilot of The Marvelous Mrs Maisel (which was pretty funny otherwise!), who is so alone that she literally cannot invite another human being into her home if her murphy bed is out, because the door won’t open. Who also acts as a (mostly unwilling) conduit for the happiness of the main hetero relationship, and, as in Their Finest, acts to help the straight female lead figure out a more independent life after her straight happy ending is disrupted. 

And the thing is, being queer is often lonely. Being single is often lonely. But loneliness is not the essence of either of these states of being. Newsflash: single people can and do have a lot of relationships outside of romantic ones. They have rich internal lives that don’t focus on their alone-ness. They have yearnings and ambitions that don’t relate to romance at all, and they have reasons for being in friendships that aren’t just about bolstering the romantic endings of their friends.

Honestly, this is why reading another of Rachael Stirling’s characters, Millie in The Bletchley Circle, as queer is so fucking important: it’s never directly stated, but she doesn’t have any romantic partners, male or female, she wears trousers sometimes, and she’s got a mean strut. But more importantly, she has deep, abiding, intense, passionate, meaningful relationships with her friends; she has brains and ambition but also a deeply caring heart; she has secrets and plays things close to the chest, but she also accepts help when she needs it. She’s the most well-rounded representation of a queer spinster I can think of, and she’s only barely coded queer. 

One of the biggest projects of my adult life has been to push at the boundaries of what women, queer women, queer single women, queer single ambitious women are allowed to be. It’s why I make myself so visible over on my fashion blog and other social media sites; it’s why I talk about what fashion means to me, what my career means to me, what spinsterdom means to me, what fatness means to me. I, like so many other people in so many marginalized identities and states of being, am striving for a representation that doesn’t exist. A representation that, when it comes close, is either monstrous or sad. And honestly, I’m fucking exhausted.

[fandomsandfeminism]

Your Lie in April uses visual metaphors and symbolic imagery to add layers of meaning and foreshadowing to the story. In fact, if you know what to look for, they foreshadow the ending in the very first minute of the show.

Closed Captioning Available 

Full Transcript below 

Today I want to put on my English Major boots and talk about metaphors. Specifically, I want to talk about how visual metaphors, or symbolic imagery, can add meaning to a piece of visual media. We’re going to talk about the 2014 anime Your Lie in April and how its consistent use of visual metaphors establish mood, helps readers made connections between events and characters on a thematic level, and foreshadows the whole god damn ending right in the OP.

Before we get started though, we need to define what visual metaphors and symbolic imagery are. This gets a little technical. A visual metaphor is an object or image that represents something else.   Symbolic imagery are images that are not descriptive in a literal sense, but are intended to express an abstract idea in concrete form. There are shades of difference between these terms, though they sound very similar. A girl giving the person she loves a locket turns that locket into visual metaphor for their love. If the person loses or breaks the locket, we, as readers, know that their relationship is in danger. Visual metaphors are generally diegetic objects, meaning real objects that exist in the story, that have a metaphorical importance in the narrative. A lightbulb appearing over a character’s head when they make a plan is symbolic imagery. It is an image that does not describe a literal object, but an idea. Symbolic imagery is typically non-diegetic, meaning they are not literal objects in the world of the story, and is used to convey abstract information. Your lie in April uses both of these techniques. -

If you have never seen Your Lie in April, be warned. There are a lot of spoilers in this video. Big, massive, end of series spoilers. Also….go watch Your Lie in April. It will break your heart beautifully.

Your Lie in April came out in 2014 from A1 pictures. It is 22 episodes long and can be found on both Crunchyroll and Netflix. And it is devastating.  It follows the story of Kosei, a teenager who used to be a piano prodigy. After his abusive mother dies, he stops playing completely, unable to hear the music over his own panic attacks. Two years later, in the spring, under the cherry blossom trees in full bloom, Kosei meets Kaori. Kaori is blonde and beautiful and plays violin and has a crush on Kosei’s best friend, Watari. Kaori drags Kosei back into the world of music, and he quickly finds he loves her.

And SPOILERS for the end: Kaori dies. Its horrible and tragic and she dies. And we find out that she had been sick all along, and that her liking Watari was a lie so that she could meet and befriend Kosei.Because she loved him. That’s the lie in april.

And then you just cry forever.

Your Lie in April has a pretty straight forward plot. The only real “twist” happens right at the end and, as we will discuss, is pretty heavily foreshadowed. The show takes on a great deal of depth with the use of its visual metaphors though. Today we’re going to talk about 3 of them. The deep ocean/shallow sea, the black cats, and the cherry blossom tree. -

Let’s start with the deep ocean/shallow sea. This is a pair of symbolic imagery. The deep ocean appears when Kosei is unable to hear himself play the piano. It symbolizes the crushing anxiety and fear and pressure he feels that leaves him unable to play. This image is, of course, non-diegetic, and the same basic information could be conveyed without the image. You could imagine the scene of just Kosei sitting at the piano, shaking, unable to play without losing any of the plot. But this image of the deep ocean allows the viewer to more fully understand what this emotion would feel like. It is crushing.

It also draws a direct connection and contrast to the shallow sea image. Kosei is in the shallow sea, surrounded by the sky, when he is playing with Kaori. By having this be a pair of related symbols, we know without question that what has changed, allowing Kosei to play, is Kaori being with him.

- Then there’s the black cats. There are two main black cats in the show, and they are easy to confuse if you aren’t looking for them. There’s the yellow eyed cat and the blue eyed cat. It’s important to note that as a Western viewer, we see a black cat and all of our cultural training makes us think “black cats are bad luck. They work with witches. They bring bad things in stories.” And this is not true in Japan though. Japan, while it has adopted the idea of black cats having an association with witches (pause for kiki, flying witch, and sailor moon), they don’t associate black cats with bad luck at all. In fact they are often associated with GOOD luck in Japan. But the symbolism goes deeper than just that.

I’d argue that the black cats BOTH represent Kosei, but different emotions Kosei feels, parts of his psyche.  

The yellow eyed cat often appears while Kosei is trying to playing piano and speaks to him, making him a symbol  rather than a real cat. This cat strongly resembles the cat Kosei owned as a child, which scratched his hands and is taken away, forever, by his mother.  He often mocks Kosei or talks down to him during performances. In the last scene we see the yellow eyed cat, Kosei overcomes his anxiety and is able to play the piano for his competition

All of this together paints the yellow eyed cat as a symbol of Kosei’s inner turmoil. His self doubt, his regrets, his guilt, all the things that hold him back are embodied in this cat. So when he is able to play again, the cat doesn’t return.

Then we have the blue eyed cat. The blue eyed cat is definitely a REAL cat in the show, and only shows up a few times. It first shows up when Kaori appoints Kosei as her accompanist. She lifts up the blue eyed cat and cradles it, surrounded by cherry blossoms. If we go along with our idea that the cats represent Kosei’s inner self, this cat is the part of him that is drawn to Kaori, his growing love for Kaori. And that Kaori lifts and cradles the cat, feels like a hint that Kaori really loves him back.

The next time we see the cat, it is right after Kaori has been hospitalized. And Kosei finds the cat, hit by a car on the side of the road. He rushes the cat to a vet, but...it’s too late. The cat dies. And it’s hard to not see that as foreshadowing that Kaori’s hospital stay will not have a happy ending.

We do see the blue eyed cat one last time though- or at least, another cat that looks very much like it. It’s possible this cat is related to the dead cat, or maybe isn’t a real cat at all, but a vision like the yellow eyed cat was. It’s not clear. So, Kaori has died. Kosei is in despair. But he sees this cat- the symbol of his love for Kaori, of the hope Kaori gave him, and he decides to read her letter to him. At the very end of the show, Kosei sees the blue eyed cat one last time, on the other side of the train tracks. There one second, and then gone, like a ghost, the next. Even though Kaori is gone, the love and hope Kaori brought to Kosei’s life still exists.

- And if that isn’t devastating enough for you, we have one final metaphor. The damn cherry blossoms. If you’ve watched any amount of anime in your life, you’ve seen the cherry blossom trees in an anime at some point. They are pink and pretty and rain down around characters during dramatic confessions of love. They represent spring, and new beginnings, and new love. Even a western viewer can pick up that much from context.

When Kosei first meets Kaori, she is surrounded by cherry blossoms. When she makes Kosei her accompanist, she’s surrounded by cherry blossoms, in both the first AND second OP, Cherry blossoms surround Kaori. So, this one seems easy, right? Kosei loves Kaori. She’s young and pretty and the love interest. No problem.

Except.

Except there is a double meaning to the cherry blossoms that 1) doesn’t always come up in anime and 2) isn’t as well known to westerners.

You see, Cherry Blossoms only bloom for a very, very short amount of time. So if you google “Cherry Blossom symbolism” nearly any site will tell you the same thing: Cherry blossoms symbolize spring and love and...the precarious nature of life and how life is fleeting. Intense beauty and untimely death. They are beautiful, but only for a short amount of time.

Kaori is the cherry blossoms- sweet and bright and lovely and gone so so quickly.

And show show just! Tells you! This! Right here! Its right in front of us all along!

-heavy sigh- shit. -

Ok, I’m ok.

So. That’s a quick-ish run down of some of the major symbols and metaphors in the show. So, why? Why does this matter?

Well, having metaphors and symbolism like this adds an extra meaning for the viewers. It can help us understand a mood, or make an implied connection. It gives the text and extra layer of depth for viewers to dig into.

I don’t think that every single anime or tv show or movie needs to have this level of symbolism. No one is begrudging Dragonball Z for not having more complex visual metaphors. But I do think that this kind of writing is what takes Your Lie in April and moves it from a sort of run of the mill drama, to a memorable story that sticks with people.

So, yeah. Thanks for watching this video! This channel is still really new, so I always appreciate comments and likes. I’ll be sure to see yall down in the comments. And as always, if you enjoyed listening to this queer millennial feminist with a BA in English, feel free to subscribe.