#i don’t stop trusting it for like major psychological reasons

[maeo-png]

i can’t fucking decide a name i am this close to doing heads/tails and even then i still won’t choose that one and i’ll be stuck back at square one

[ohm-myy-god]

Hello Edna and Harvey fans & all interested parties, here I present to you my made up fan-lore for Edna’s mom (and her dynamics with other characters and all that). Also featuring some supplemental artwork.

Warning in advance it’s very long, but it’s split into sections and has pictures so hopefully it’s bearable. Have fun…

Sketch page from May 2022

So this is my character for Edna’s mom, her name is Ana. 

My main idea for her was that, in contrast to Mattis’s sort of helpless attitude about parenting, she was the more assertive parent. Not necessarily mean or strict, but she had more self confidence and experience working with children, and overall gave the impression that she “knew what she was doing”, at least from her husband's perspective. 

This leads into her passing being not only a major blow for her family for obvious reasons, but also because Mattis wasn’t ready to be a single parent and never really adapted to the role. He was very stressed all the time and part of that came from feeling extremely inferior in his capabilities of being a father, with pressure from his neighbor/friend who seemed to have the most perfectly behaved kid(s) (ah yes the perfect family nothing to see here), and from his belief that his wife would’ve made a better single parent than him. That’s not necessarily the truth, as it would’ve been hard for anyone, but that was his perception of it. 

I’ll now go into outlining her individual personality and her relationship with her family:

Physical description:

Appearance Timeline:

(Note on her Birth Year: My whole e&h timeline is based around the assumption that Brich Aus takes place in 2008; so Edna was born in ~1990 and Mattis was born in ~1957, give or take a year. This also therefore means Mattis and anyone his age is a boomer (heartbreaking).) 

Name- Ana is a name I picked for no specific reason. I don’t know why I used that spelling instead of Anna but I did, and I’m used to it now, but if you prefer Anna it also works. 

I didn’t pick a maiden name yet, so for now she only exists as Ana Konrad. DOCTOR Konrad actually but we’ll get to that. 

Appearance- Ana looks very much like her daughter; they have the same eyes and complexion and hair (albeit different styles). I think the more “realistic” you try to make Edna and Harvey the more confusing it gets, so yeah their purple hair is genetic and natural and not specific to Edna (I mean it’s not like she could dye it in the hospital anyway). I just think of it as regular dark hair in their universe. 

Personality:

In terms of personality, Ana was very goal-oriented. She was calmer and more collected than Edna, but just as determined to do whatever she set her mind to. She liked reading and writing more than Edna, but much like Edna she was always rather lonely no matter how outgoing she was. Their circumstances were different, but both Edna and her mom were kind of socially outcast growing up.

I’ll go more into her time at school in a later section, but when going to Uni her choice was to study psychology, and eventually be a child psychiatrist. Which might seem random but LISTEN… I think the idea of her being a psychiatrist with a completely different mindset from Marcel’s is a fun one, and it sorta adds to the tragedy of “man, if only someone could’ve stopped this” when it comes to how Mattis bought into Marcel’s ideology. And it adds another layer as to why Mattis trusts in unstable hypothetical science so much more than himself or his own daughter. And overall, I think she is a “strong-headed professional” just by personality, and being a doctor makes her seem far more impressive or competent than Mattis (especially from his perspective). 

As a kid, Ana loved climbing trees. She and Mattis spent a lot of time there as kids. She also loved to sing and dance, things she probably did less and less as she got older. 

Being that they lived next to a church in a small town, it seems to be that the Konrads were at least a bit religious (and in the audio book they mention Edna threw a Bible in the basement fireplace). I haven’t really thought about how that might play into their lives, but I like the angle that Mattis became more religious / started going to church after his wife died. (Edna meanwhile is not religious—too many arbitrary rules for her.)

Relationship with neighbors:

Ana was definitely more suspicious of Marcel when they first moved next to him than her husband was. Not that she assumed he was evil or anything, but she was a bit worried about how he was parenting his kids. Ana found the kids’ behavior more concerning than “exemplary”. But she chalked it up to Marcel having a hard time adjusting after his wife left and didn’t really investigate; she wasn’t around for the whole “we should brainwash kids to make them behave better” era, that happened later. She probably just vaguely distrusted him. 

I like to imagine she hung out with Ruben if the neighbors came over too. Kind of like how Mattis would end up “babysitting” Edna and Alfred later on a lot, maybe she’d play cards with him or something and inadvertently create a more positive experience than anything Marcel ever did. Ruben needs someone in his life looking out for him…unfortunately this arrangement didn’t last long. 

Relationship with Edna’s dad:

Ana and Mattis were childhood sweethearts; I imagine they met in high school and started dating near the end of it, so maybe the final year before university. But they were friends before that too. 

Basically, their dynamic as kids was “trouble maker” and “kid who gets good grades but is also a trouble maker”. I like the idea that in contrast to his adult personality, Mattis was a lot more like Edna as a kid; he was still always a bit timid, but he had a rebellious phase where he wanted to stick it to the authorities and lash out more. At this point in his adolescence, he got into trouble a lot, and it wasn’t until Uni that he really changed himself around. (However, ironically, instead of being able to sympathize with his daughter when she started acting out later, he could only envision all the bad things that might happen to her as a consequence of her behavior and it made him all the more stressed to find a way to “fix” her.) 

Ana, however, wasn’t quite so rebellious and did well at school. She felt the same way on the inside, though, and the two found kinship in wanting to “run away from it all” and escape pressure from family/peers. They would hang out on tree branches and throw rocks at people they didn’t like, but Ana still avoided anything that might get her in serious trouble. 

But basically, dumb kids doing shenanigans. Ana didn’t think Mattis was particularly smart for vandalizing property and getting detention, but she also didn’t think less of him for it. Perhaps she had the “oh I can fix him” mindset, but mostly she was admiring his dedication. 

But when it was time to go to university they decided to break up, since they’d be moving apart. They were sad about it, but they both moved along and figured they’d never see eachother again.

…That was, until they met again sort of randomly as adults years later.

This was probably 4 or more years after they’d started Uni; Ana was still in school and was a bit too busy for a serious relationship but they stuck together anyway and ended up dating again. This ended up working out, and they eventually got married. (Apparently it isn’t that uncommon to marry even while pursuing a doctorate, but I haven’t picked what year they got married. Shrug)

(Note about psychiatric education lmao- from what I can tell, it takes at least 6 years of medical school and an additional 5 years of full-time employment to become board-certified psychiatrist. Assuming Ana started university when she was 18, she was at least 30 when she got her doctor's degree.) 

(Also, I can imagine being a woman pursuing a doctorate in the 80s wasn’t that common or easy, and I thought about her just being a psychologist instead since that takes half the amount of time. However have you considered the THEMATIC PARALLELS the IRONY of it all… Edna’s mom was a doctor and it’s funnier that way.) 

Mattis and his wife would definitely be at odds sometimes because of the difference in their personalities. I think the dynamic would provide interesting conflict & they’d work it out. 

Parenting:

So I suppose the big question is, how would Ana have affected Edna’s life had she lived longer?

I think the loss of her mother contributed heavily to Edna’s childhood rebelliousness. Not that she wouldn’t have had behavioral issues or struggled with making friends anyway, but I think she became so dependent on her own subconscious / on Harvey as a result of loneliness; evidence from the comic can back this up. In the comic, Edna is very withdrawn and more timid pre-Harvey, and Harvey’s eventual personality seems to be highly influenced by Freya - Edna’s close friend who coped with her own struggles by rebelling instead of following all the rules. Seeing as both girls also had a missing mother figure (again, WHO DOESN'T IN THIS SERIES), I don’t think it’s a stretch to imagine Edna started feeling alone in the world when her mother passed. 

But tangent aside, I don’t think Ana would’ve necessarily had an easier time with Edna than Mattis, but with the crucial difference that she wouldn't have been so easily influenced by others opinion on her parenting (eg Marcel). Anyone has insecurities, but listening to someone else basically say “your kid should get brainwashed” and thinking “mmmm maybe” is a very concerning state of mind. 

Ana would have been frustrated and would have got impatient. She would have wanted Edna to “act normal” but she might have been more adept at figuring out WHY she was acting out. But meanwhile, I also think that being a doctor, there would have been tension in the fact that Ana saw “patients” and her daughter as entirely separate; thinking, Edna couldn’t be as mentally ill as the people she worked with…there must be a different answer…

But as a little kid, Edna got along just fine with her mom. They played together and did puzzles and ran in the sprinklers and mud and everything like that. Maybe even played with stuffed animals pretending that they could talk. 

Rip 💀

So: death. For the record I think the trope of “main character’s mom died” isn’t very intriguing or creative (and I mean. Do you know any e&h characters with a mom? any of them? Exactly.) However, it isn’t even brought up by Edna in the game at all, and the “show not tell” aspect is a bit cool at least. (It isn’t even until the “yo mama” joke in the 2nd game that Edna is pointed out as an orphan. Her memory got washed and all so she didn’t even think of her mom when looking through her old house.) And if we were to ignore poki’s character profile website, yes, it’s also equally as plausible that Edna’s mom left rather than died. BUT personally I prefer this version because I already wrote this whole thing lol (and anyway, I think Marcel’s wife for sure left him, and we don’t want to get too repetitive). 

But how did she die??…I haven’t really picked an answer to that. 

If we’re looking for story parallels, medical malpractice or even being MURDERED might work, but I just don’t really know. Maybe it’s a let-down, but I’m indecisive, sorry  🤷 

Ana became sort of idolized in death by Mattis especially, since Edna couldn't properly remember her as time went on. 

Bit of a tangent, but I think a lot of self doubt and insecurity and general depression contributed to Mattis being lost about parenting—with the fact that Edna was intentionally acting out, fighting against something she saw as intrinsically opposed to her. In the 1st tempomorph Edna “sees” through Harvey that her dad is betraying her and eating ice cream with Alfred- this is her imagination, but it shows her perception of her father as a kid, that he wasn’t looking out for her. I think it’s clear Mattis cared about his daughter but he was just unable to rise above his own insecurities and be there for her. (I also think he went a teensy bit off-the-rails when the Murder happened and that’s partially why he pleaded guilty. Guy broke down). After all, his wife wouldn’t have ever let Edna act so uncontrollably if she were alive, would she?  

That’s it

Thanks for reading all that if you did!! Hope reading about shit I made up was entertaining. I might do this again with other characters for funsies at some point in the distant future, we’ll see. 

She isn’t even a character I spend too much time thinking about, so I figured this would be a good way to practice organizing my thoughts. And draw her some more since it’d been a while. It was fun.

Let me know your thoughts/impressions of her…

& goodbye 👋 

Bonus- sketches from May 2022

[why-raven]

quiz: tragic play character — yiuno.

Misunderstood Villain.

Prepare for an onslaught of both the most dehumanizing and hateful takes, and flood of thirst comments. You’re chronically misunderstood; whether or not you’re actually evil is debatable. You may be acting out for revenge, to defend someone you love, or even just to protect yourself—you’re a pretty jaded person. You don’t trust or even really like most people—perhaps you did, at one point, but that part of you is gone, and you don’t go a single day without grieving it. You think a lot about what your life could have been. You’re stuck in the past—you’re angry and maybe you don’t even want to be, but this is the only way you can see to survive. You’re open, but less in a trusting way and more like a wound. You don’t like to let people see you, but the hurt spills out of you before you can stop it. You’re impulsive, even as you try hard to plan and prepare. Maybe someday your side of the story will finally be heard. Until then, you can convince yourself that being hated is safer anyway.

link to quiz.

Oh, wow. What an eerily accurate result.

Yiuno embodies many aspects of an anti-hero: be it common tropes (ex. Dark and Troubled Past), or tip the scales further into extremity (ex. Psycho for Hire and Femme Fatale), it’s really fun working on his characterization… as much as I struggle to comprehend his complex, multilayered nature.

I dunno if people see him as a misunderstood villain—guaranteed, this guy literally kills for a living, and he was a war criminal at one point (as a major participant during the Magi War in the Fifth Astral Era). His unique physical condition has twisted his perception of time, like he’s stuck in a psychological limbo akin to a living hell, for eternity. While the idea of eternal life has been explored many times in the game (both the MSQ and mostly the ARR side-quests), to an immortal like Yiuno, only death can bring him true peace.

Oh wait, sounds like Emet-Selch much? Not really—for one, Yiuno does not crave for the past (in fact, he wished he could erase it and start over again), and he doesn’t believe in utopia. While Emet tried to justify his genocidal acts as a “necessary ritual” to reclaim his lost paradise, Yiuno doesn’t even bother to sugar coat the war crimes he’d committed. Though Emet (in Shadowbringers, not Endwalker) did humor the idea of giving the current world a chance as he observed how WoL and the Scions tried to save the First, he never stopped to show outright contempt for the Sundered, calling them lesser beings unworthy of existing. Yiuno, however, never harbors any form of racism or social prejudice towards anyone—on one hand, he sees people as, well, just people; on the other hand, he may appear to be rather apathetic and detached (and hence why he could kill people as willingly as Emet, but for different reasons).

It also didn’t help that his childhood was equally fucked up. Born into a clan with an unconventional (and controversial) family system and societal rules, Yiuno grew up pretending to be a girl for many years just so that he could stay together with his twin sister for as long as possible. This twisted upbringing gave him a rather unique outlook to gender and sexuality—while he identify himself as biologically male and is very much aroace, mentally he feels disconnected and sees them as mere labels. It’s hard for me to explain in a way that people can understand, without radical folks jumping the gun and dissing me about “misrepresentation” and stuff, so I won’t go into details here. (If you want to know more, feel free to ask me in DMs!)

I guess the last line rings true—perhaps it’s easier to hate him for no reason at all. I mean, unless it’s his soulmate Y’shtola or the energetic curious child Sora, very few people have the patience and time to learn more about a walking history like Yiuno.

[genderkoolaid]

As a trans and disabled person, I have no strong opinions on endo systems but I actively hate “transdisabled” people. Most of the community I see treats disability like an aesthetic, like I chose to have my legs not work and that I look cool in my chair. And yeah maybe I do look cool but my disability brings so much fucking pain it feels disrespectful to act like it’s something I should be happy about. If you’re not in pain, you’re not in pain. Gender is a social construct but disability (to an extent, and I’m talking about my disability which severely impacts my nervous system and also causes access tissue to grow leading to severe pain) is not a social construct. It is something I have to suffer through every fucking day and to try and co-opt and draw conclusions between me and someone who doesn’t have to go through that is so disrespectful to me. You do not want this, it is painful and frightening and I have a good chance of dying before 30. If you feel like you have these symptoms and can’t afford a doctor I have no hate against self dxing. But acting like you have a disability with no symptoms is just a plain fuck you to those who suffer from them everyday.

Again, if you feel transdisabled due to an underlying psychological issue, I wish you the best and I hope you’re able to access adequate mental health care. But you do not have what I have. Your body is not twisted, you do not wake up everyday in agony, your body is not destroying yourself and I find it horrific of you to act like it is. For me transableism feels like it is treating the fact that I have had to fight for every step I take, every place I go, every time I’ve collapsed in absolute agony, the nights vomiting my guts out because there is tissue growing where it shouldn’t be, the amount of times I’ve screamed my throat raw into a pillow because my nerves are on fire and simplify it into a flag or an identity is so fucking disrespectful. If you have the same symptoms as I do and it is unsafe to go to a doctor or the doctor won’t believe you, I’m sorry and I support your right to self dx and I hope you find medication that helps. If you have BIID I hope you can find the therapeutic help you need in order to feel at home in your body. But you don’t have the disability I do, not to say BIID isn’t a disability or it’s a lesser disability, but you do not have what I do and it is infuriating to me to say you have what I have without experiencing a fraction of the pain that I have Final message: I don’t want to say I hate transabled people or I wish harm among them because most of them are younger people. But I want you to think about how demeaning it is to tell someone who’s body is twisted and overgrown and painful to say you want to be like that? To say you’ve been through the same thing? Stop. I know you’re not trying to be, but you’re being ableist. Trans people transition through a social construct by my pain is not social. Please seek psychological treatment for your BIID and stop making those flags

Okay, first, I need to clear this up: I do not have BIID and I am not transabled. I am already physically disabled, I use mobility aids, I am in pain constantly, my ability to eat normally is fucked up, and my quality of life has been severely negatively affected by my physical disability, to the point where it has been a major component of why I have been suicidal. Trust me, I understand. I would be pretty upset if someone came up to me and said they were envious of my disabilities, because it's rude to act that way about someone else's suffering.

My problem is, everything you have said is the exact same reasoning cis women have for seeing trans women as offensive. There are many cis women who have lived lives full of horrific misogyny, who have been deeply traumatized by misogyny, who view womanhood as intrinsic suffering and pain. And they feel that trans women are extremely disrespectful, because how could they possibly know what it's like to suffer through horrific misogyny? How could they act like womanhood is some fun game full of pink and flowers when it has been a major source of trauma in your life? These cis women feel that trans women view womanhood as an aesthetic, they only see the patriarchal construct of femininity and think it looks like fun, and they are extremely offended by the idea that a "male" can just co-opt womanhood and try to act like "he" knows anything about the horrible, traumatic experience of being a woman.

Now, disability and gender are not the same thing, nor do they function the exact same. But its the same arguments, and the same gut reaction to seeing someone seek out something that causes you so much pain, and feeling like they are spitting on your pain by doing that. Its an understandable reaction, but not one that is based in connection with those people.

The more I read about people with BIID/transabled people and their experiences, the more I really feel for them. Their experiences of dysphoria are real, and lead many to the strong desire to hurt themselves in order to relieve it, in lieu of available surgery; many trans people can relate to that desire. Their experiences of euphoria are also real- the few people who have achieved their desired disability seem to, fairly consistently (although the data is Scarce), genuinely feel relief and are able to live happier lives. Here is one study on a man who had his leg removed and was very happy with it, and another one on 21 people who were able to get surgery- for that one, every single person said they didn't regret it at all. They felt happy with their bodies, free from depression, and overall felt their quality of life had improved extremely.

Again, I understand the gut reaction to seeing someone say that they are envious of amputees or that they wish they could be disabled. It's not an evil reaction, it's not a bad reaction. But their desire does not negate anyone's suffering, just like a trans woman's euphoria does not negate a cis woman's trauma. Their pain and their joy are real, and it does not negatively affect me, or you, for them to experience and pursue that joy. They can definitely be ableist, and be disrespectful to disabled people, but that is not an inherent part of BIID/being transabled. And there are people who are already physically disabled who are happy with their lives and are fine with being disabled, especially amputees; why should that be fine, but transabled people are warped fetishizing freaks? And, again, their desires are not hurting disabled people. All of the people in the above studies spent years thinking about their desires and what it would mean (which I think is important to point out, because if you are basing your entire view of a group on teens on Tumblr, you probably aren't going to get the most nuanced, coherent perspective). I think it's rude to suggest that other people, who have never met a transabled person, just inherently know that they are fetishizing and thinking being disabled is a fun game. Shouldn't we listen to them on their experiences? Writing all of them off as not understanding what it's like to be disabled is a generalization, and the same can be said for trans people- how do we damn transabled people in a way that doesn't give fodder for transphobes? I feel like solidarity between both groups can be used to fight for greater bodily autonomy, no matter how strange their desired body seems to the culture they are in.

All in all, I completely understand why you feel the way you do. As I said, I would not want someone to tell me, to my face, that I'm lucky to be disabled. But that's not what having BIID or being transabled means- and I do think there is some value in the radical statement that being disabled is not inherently a lesser existence than being abled, and people can and are able to be happy and love their lives and their bodies as disabled people. I don't think transabled people should claim that they are physically disabled (unless they have transitioned and do have that disability), but their desires are not inherently ableist or awful. Their dysphoria is legitimate and they have a right to seek body euphoria, the same as a trans person, or someone who wants tattoos, or someone who wants to get body modifications to look like a lizard.

[leotanaka]

CAN YOU STOP WITH JORDAN BEING ABUSIVE NOW. IT WAS MERCY. IF HE WANTED TO KILL CAMERON. CAMERON WOULD BE DEAD. HE LEFT SO HE WOULDNT HAVE TO HURT HIM AND CAMERON WOULDNT BE A KILLER.

you know what, anon? this is exactly what jordan would say to cameron in order to justify threatening to kill him TWICE!

i really was just going to delete this like i have the majority of these messages but this one both concerns and bothers me too much so i'm going to answer it because i think you might need a reality check on what exactly happened in that scene.

to answer your question, no! we are not going to stop calling jordan abusive towards cameron because JORDAN IS ABUSIVE TOWARDS CAMERON!

that entire scene was essentially jordan attempting to manipulate and gaslight cameron and when he realised that this time it wouldn't work, that he couldn't psychologically hurt him and force him to comply and do what he wanted him to do or accept what he was saying, he proceeded to force cameron into a kill or be killed situation. 

like, that isn’t jordan going “oh, i’m going to run away so i don’t hurt my son.” type of situation. hurting cameron wasn’t even an option until HE MADE IT AN OPTION. something he did TWICE. cameron quite literally GAVE HIM A CHOICE. if his father really wanted what was best for him like he claimed, he would have given up. surrendered. waved the white flag but jordan didn’t do that, not even for cameron who he said only two episodes prior was the only thing that mattered to him (in the same same episode by the way where we saw him spend a good four minutes manipulating the hell out of cameron) and instead, to reiterate: JORDAN DECIDED TO FORCE CAMERON INTO A KILL OR BE KILLED SITUATION! 

to summarise: when he realised he couldn't manipulate cameron and wasn't powerful enough to stop cameron, he ran away (whether he did that deliberately or it was a result of cameron's powers is completely irrelevant).

now, two points on this:

1) cameron thinks he killed his father.

intentional or self defence - it doesn't make any difference to where cameron's state of mind would be especially given how relentless jordan was in his abuse and how he forced on him that so much of this was his fault, that he was the one doing it. he literally said "don't FORCE me to do what brainwave did to his son" - his first threat of violence towards cameron explicitly pushes that narrative onto cameron. that he's the one doing this. it's his father saying "you're the reason this family is facing persecution again because you trusted courtney." it's his father saying "i could get killed trying to make YOUR life easier and happier and getting justice for YOU" it's his father saying: "if i have to kill you, IT IS YOUR OWN FAULT BECAUSE YOU MADE ME DO THIS!”

do you get how truly fucked up that is? jordan doesn't have to actually physically harm cameron in this moment. it’s not a “cameron would be dead if jordan really wanted to kill him” because what he's saying to him - what he's implying - the mentality he is instilling in cameron's mind in this exact moment is utterly horrific.

it's quite literally: "SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!"

it’s “if i kilI you, it’s YOUR FAULT and if you kiIl me, it’s YOUR FAULT!” 

jordan also explicitly allowed cameron to BELIEVE he had in fact killed him. that he is responsible for killing his own father and jordan was swanning around denmark while cameron's life was falling to pieces because of him AGAIN. this is the second time he allowed cameron to believe he was dead, the first, as indicated by the beginning of the finale demonstrated he had his proper form for at least 9 months. that is 9 months that he allowed cameron to believe he was dead and to grieve him (does ghosting apply here? i'm not sure but if definitely feels like it's what happened) and made no attempt to get back in contact under the guise of protecting him until the moment that cameron was at his most vulnerable. and the fact that he was spying on him, watching him for months means he knew - HE SAW how much cameron was struggling. how much cameron was missing him and grieving and how he was spiralling once his powers started coming through and what his grandmother was putting him through and he still did nothing to help him at any point during this time. 

instead, he made things worse. 

for example; everything that happened between cameron & rick in 3x09. once you know jordan is the one watching everyone that whole fight scene just gets worse because it doesn’t matter whether it was jordan or the ultra humanite or the dragon king who directed the signal to the mahkent house, jordan made his family a target. HE MADE HIS SON A TARGET! and more than that, look at what was done to rick compared to all the others. at the way they guaranteed his addiction to the hourglass and that he would lose control (knowing exactly what happened to his father so knowing something like this was bound to happen), at the way they bided their time and waited until he’d been on it long enough (which just happened to coincide with courtney deciding to tell cameron everything) so when he heard the mahkent’s were spying on everyone, he would effectively snap and go for the kiIl. yes, cameron can fight and yes, he’s powerful enough to take rick on, even in that state but that doesn’t change the fact that he was set up to get hurt - physically, emotionally and mentally and whatever way you look at it, jordan’s plan essentially comprised of loading rick like a weapon and pointing him directly at cameron! 

to reiterate my entire point here: JORDAN DELIBERATELY HURT CAMERON!

2) cameron knows jordan is still alive and out there.

his father threatened to kill him and WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO KILL HIM. whether or not there was an actual attempt is irrelevant because the threat was imminent. it was something that was going to ACTUALLY happen. now, he's out there somewhere and if he's alive and he's out there, guess what? he can come back into cameron’s life again. what would knowing that do to cameron? knowing his father who just threatened his life is out there someone and could come back at any point and HURT HIM AGAIN! 

and jordan didn’t just do it once, he did it TWICE! HE THREATENED TO KlLL CAMERON TWICE in one night! 

neither of these options are good and literally do nothing except HURT cameron!

there is NOTHING MERCIFUL about jordan’s actions! 

[srorgana1]

Invocation

Paring: Vampire Kylo/Hunter Rey

Warnings: Dark Themes (apporaching Dead Dove, you have been warned), Supernatural/Paranormal, Blood, Violence, Gore, Death, NSFW 18+, Sexual Content, Psychological and Physical Torture, Kidnapping, Hatred towards organized religion, Pain, Major/Minor character death/injury, Demonic Possession

Chapter Five

“What the fuck was that!?” Kylo roars as Vicrul drags him out of the AXS and into the alleyway. The cold wind hits him, making his anger spike more. “Kylo, I am angry too but you need to calm down and be reasonable” Vicrul says as his eyes fade from gold to chocolate brown.

“Reasonable?” Kylo snarled “You want me to fucking reasonable when one of the Devil’s former advisors just told us to basically cut our losses?” He can feel his fangs descend which means his eyes are blood red as well. He starts to pace. “That’s not what he said and you stopped listening after he mentioned Luke” Vicrul growls back at him.

He stops and stares at his friend and closest ally. How does he not remember it was Luke, head Ethereal and founder of The Council, and the others’ faults everything happened. Luke’s crazy ideas and his too trusting nature allowed darkness and hate to grow in his hubris. He allowed the Devil to come into being and terrorize the world and by doing so create him and the other Knights of Ren. Some all-knowing immortal.

“You really think Luke learned his lesson Vic? It sounds just like a repeat of last time” Kylo says, turning his back. He feels Vicrul’s large hand clasp his shoulder. “I don’t know Kylo” he says lowly “but we need to find out. We need to get into The Order and figure out their motives. We need to make sure they are what The Council says they are. I NEED to see if they are responsible for what happened to my son.”

He knows Vicrul is right. He is just so worked up after having to acknowledge his failures once again. How he KNEW the Devil’s plans and stood by. How so many died because of his silence. The pain in his chest alights as he remembers the pain, guilt and rage he felt along with the sweet satisfaction of when he ran him through with his blade, banishing him.

He also remembers how they were hunted by those they saved afterwards, blamed for everything. How he was damned, cursed and tortured. How The Council was too busy organizing and protecting the scattered Supernatural communities to help and support their saviors. How he hated them all then.

He growls to himself. Stupid humans hiding behind their hypocritical religions, calling HIM a monster. They have no fucking idea that it is all a farce. There is no God. There are Ethereals, Demons and everything in-between including them. If they really knew everything, their heads would explode.

“It never was your fault you know that” Vicrul says “it was all ours. We were all deceived.” “Vic I can’t…I know you and the others have forgiven yourselves and each other for what happened, but I am not ready yet…” he says, squeezing his eyes closed as he pierces his own lip with his fangs. The pain is a welcome distraction to the misery swirling inside him.

“Kylo I cannot tell you how to live your life, but torturing yourself for what happened in the past will not change things. All it does is make you tired and miserable” Vicrul says as he grips both shoulders and turns around to face him, not reacting to the blood streaming down Kylo’s chin. “Just as before, I will help you however I can. I know Jessica will too. We are bound by the bonds of brotherhood and I want to see you happy and at peace.”

Kylo opens his eyes to see a soft look on Vicrul’s face. He has forgotten in his self-imposed exile and self loathing that he was not alone in this and never was. “I’m sorry” he mumbles through his swollen lip. “Don’t be, we all had to deal with it in our own way. But we now need to move forward so we can figure out what is happening here” Vicrul says, squeezing his shoulders before letting go.

Kylo takes a deep breath for what feels like the first time in ages but freezes when he feels a tingling on his lip. He looks up to see Vicrul fingers twitch, willing him back to his unmarred form. Kylo smiles as he touches his now healed lip. “Where’d you learn that?” he says as he stands up straight, ready to move forward.

“Jessica. According to her I always had it in me” he says, shrugging a shoulder as he led Kylo back to the club door. “Hmm I always knew you were more than just the muscle” Kylo snarked as he opens the door. “Are you kidding? I was the brains, the looks AND the muscle of our little group” he laughed as he walked back inside.

Kylo smirks at his friend as he views the crowd again, his mind and energy focused. He needs to find a way into The Order. It’ll take too long to get approval from The Council. Plus they will be suspicious and ask questions. No they have to do themselves.

Maybe someone here is gullible enough to be influenced to be his in. Maybe there is someone here who has more information which could be beneficial. He wills a drink into his hand and shuts his eyes, focusing on those in the crowd before him. He quickly assesses them, picking out a few potentials.

His eyes focus on a slim doe eyed blonde who is looking longingly at a slightly older male. He can tell they both work for The Order. He can also tell she’s human, no Supernatural blood whatsoever. The other though, his eyes narrowing as he focuses on the man. He has magick but it seems shaded, almost muted. Maybe those with magick who work for The Order have to suppress it. Either way it’s interesting.

He looks around again and freezes. There are those eyes again. Those big sharp hazel calculating eyes. It takes his breath away. He can feel her power and it’s intoxicating. He shuts his eyes and groans, savoring the essence of it. Oh, how he wishes he could get a taste. He pushes, focusing on her but he feels nothing. Confused, he looks up but she is gone, lost in the crowd.

He looks around the mass of people in an attempt to find her again but to no avail. Just as well, he surmises, he needs to focus on the mission and not his hunger. He needs to find the right one who will give him the perfect cover.

His eyes move back to the pathetic little blonde. Yes she will work. He finishes his drink and concentrates on her, willing his magical influence to affect her and only her. She looks his way and he smirks. Bingo.

[pophypnosis]

Hello, You: A Hypnosis Experience to Conquer Your Fears | 30 Minutes

Watch the Ad-Free Version:  / hello-you-to-30-112341738  

Psychological thrillers and hypnosis? Dangerous combo. How can this possibly bring good vibes? I guess YOU will have to find out….Disclaimer: This will play with tropes from the psychological thriller genre. If you’re not all that comfortable with that genre, please read the description to decide if this is something you should listen to.

New to this channel or hypnosis? Check out the guidelines first and if you haven’t already:    • Pop #Hypnosis Guidelines: Start Your ...  

It is also recommended to listen to the Ultimate Countdown Game Show Trance at least once. Doing so will make some of the triggers in all other Pop Hypnosis videos more effective:    • The Ultimate Countdown Game Show Tran...  

WARNING: All videos on this page contain whirling moving images. They may contain flashing lights and other luminous stimulations. Please do not watch if you’re sensitive to this type of media. All content on this page is considered recreational. The hypnosis is real, but the purpose of all themes, scenarios and imagery in my files are to activate the imagination. Please consult a professional if you are having mental health challenges.

~ Labels ~

Experience: Familiar or very familiar with hypnosis (but beginners can try it out too!)

Pop theme: Psychological Thriller 😰 (loosely)

Intention: This might make you feel just slightly uneasy at first but by the end - confident, brave and bold. This might make you feel very relaxed and introspective.

Affirmations/Suggestions: A post-hypnotic suggestion to TRUST yourself every time you leave your home and to remind yourself to do so (for as long as you wish). To trust your intuition. To find clarity within. To be brave.

Hypnotic Features: Double induction (which means that there’s two sets of voices making suggestions), Countdowns

Content Warnings: This will play with themes about being watched while going under hypnosis. There are also parts that allude to the experience of being drugged. If you’re uncomfortable with psychological thrillers in general, be mindful of this before deciding whether to listen or not.

To learn more about these labels, visit: https://linktr.ee/pophypnosis.

Please give me label suggestions if you have any in general or for any video.

A full description about this file is after the break!

~ Full Description ~

Stop here if you don’t want major spoilers about the trance! You may scroll past this section for more channel information, but otherwise, If you like being a bit surprised, it’s time to go on your adventure. If you want to know more about what is in this trance before trying it out, keep reading.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I explain the idea of this trance - to create something based on a psychological thriller. Well, it turns out, I don’t know how I’m supposed to accomplish this. Psychological thrillers and hypnosis simply do not mix for obvious reasons! But then I mention something called a hypnotic library, which can help anyone find clarity about a problem. Trance is a part of entering the library of course, so you are guided through what it would be like if you were stopped by a street hypnotist and hypnotized while people were watching your every move. At the library, you’re asked to think of something you need inspiration for or clarity around. After exploring a bit, I tell you that there’s a basement section to the library. Basements are never good in this genre, of course, but once down there it’s not so bad. The rarest of books are kept there. There’s also a desk and a cup of a nice hot beverage that causes relaxation and sleep. Once awakened, there’s the realization that you can trust yourself in any situation, even if it’s scary.

~ Channel Info ~

100% SFW (but not necessarily made for kids). New videos every other week (or at least, that’s the plan). Each hypnotic adventure will be labeled and the descriptions will be detailed. Hypnosis is NOT one size fits all. Sometimes going into hypnosis takes practice. Keep in mind, these files can reinforce positive affirmations in a fun way, but if you want to seriously explore an issue in your life, look for a trained hypnotherapist in your area.

~ Credits ~

Illustration & Animation: @lakshan619 and @freelancerbijoy on Fiverr Music & Sounds: SoundTrap

[nightingaleatdawnwrites]

Life Is Beautiful: Hopes and Dreams

Hi! I’m Ally and my alias is Nightingale At Dawn Writes. I have a mood condition and I was first diagnosed with Major Depression in 2000. I had a life changing situation then that I wasn’t able to handle, hence, I had severe depression. Different psychological tests were done. I had consultations then with a psychiatrist until 2001.

In 2001, I studied the Basic Course and the Advance Course in Interior Design at the Philippine School of Interior Design. During this time, I stopped seeing a psychiatrist. I believe studying this course greatly helped in diverting my attention and I had an “outlet” then. I’ve always wanted to study Interior Design. This was my second choice for the courses to study when I took up the entrance exam in U.P. Los Baños.

Everything was going well until 2006. This was the time that we had to seek help again with a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder with Major Depression. I had monthly consultations then with my psychiatrist and I was taking medications.

Then sometime in 2015, I wasn’t taking my medications and I was planning to commit suicide. An Angel told me not to do that and think of the family I will leave behind if I do this. I don’t need to name names but you know who you are!

Then in 2019, I started having consultations with a psychiatrist in Los Baños. I have been in her care ever since then and I must say she’s one of the best psychiatrists we have known.

In March 2022, I was admitted in a medical facility for two months. That’s just a few weeks away and I’m writing this as it will be almost two years since then. I wasn’t taking my medications then, hence, I had to be admitted in a medical facility.

I know there’s a stigma in the Philippines for people like me who have mental illnesses. That’s the reason why I’m here in Canada and being with the people who love me unconditionally.

Moving forward, I have promised myself to do better and be a better version of myself. To love myself first before others. I will always be a work in progress as I don’t believe in perfection.

I have also been closer to God. He will always be my “flashlight”. I know that any struggles I will have moving forward, He will help me get through them. I trust His plans for me.

I will also serve as the light to those in darkness. I will lead them to the righteous path and have purpose driven lives. It’s an amazing journey and I believe that life is beautiful… It will always be!

I will forever chase my dreams. Like what I have mentioned, I have big dreams not only for myself but also for my family.

I know that the next chapter in my story will be amazing! I’ll always be counting my blessings as I am gifted and blessed!

[kingmystrie]

Well, you asked for this. So why the fuck not. It helps me get this off my chest

You know why I’m mad at you? You really want the answer to that? I’m mad at you because it felt like you were never my fucking friend. You always acted cold, like you didn’t actually care that someone TRUSTED you enough to talk to you about their problems. It felt like my fucking vents were just there for you to analyze and pick apart like I was the fucking test subject for your stupid psychology major! Do you know how fucking DEMEANING it is! To trust someone enough to share your struggles? And for them to try and fucking diagnose you with this that and everything in between! It fucking sucks, it’s dehumanizing! It felt like you were just giving me the cold shoulder! You didn’t even pretend to care in the slightest! No fake sympathy, not even pity! Just nothing! Blankness! Slowly but surely, I wanted to distance myself more and more because it didn’t even feel like you were my friend at this point! It felt like I was talking to wall! Was I even your friend at that point? Did you actually care? Did my friendship even mean ANYTHING to you? Or was it all just a pretty lie just like all the others that lied to me about being my friend? That would’ve just thrown me away in the end once they were done playing with like a broken doll? I didn’t stick around till find out! So I ran away. And now, I have the opportunity to do this for myself for some fucking form of closure. If you know who I am, then by all means, try to reach out! I don’t care at this point anymore, I have to sleep soon anyways. I just needed to scream this. Finally. Let this out. Good night!

The reason i started talking to you less was’t because you were venting a lot or anything, i stopped talking as much because you wouldn't join any of the conversations I started or were having with other people. You didn't show that much interest in my art or any of my interests do I just kinda figured we didn't have any shared interests anymore, especially since I can't really enjoy pokemon as much as I used to. I have had to deal with so much BS from people in DA groups that literally looking at a picture of pawmi makes my heart rate go up. It's really difficult to find motivation to talk to someone who just doesn't seem to want to talk to you cause they show no interest in you. Which I don't find it a slight against me but it's just not sustainable for a friendship.

As for how I handled your vents, I didnt analyze or pick apart things. I didn't use you for my psychology major that would’ve violated many ethical guidelines and also I'm sure would be 100% illegal. I don't remember trying to diagnose anyone with anything, though I probably mentioned things to look into because I'm someone who has used information on diagnostics as a launching point to find mental exercises to better myself and understand how I interact with people. Like at this point im sure im not autistic but knowing about autism helped me find things that did help me feel better about myself and just function in life better.

I just gave advice because you were my friend and that's what friends do, they try to help each other. At least I thought I was helping.

I'm not a very warm or empathetic person, it doesn't come naturally to me. I know that, but it hurts that you didn't notice that I was trying my best. I want my friends to feel good about themselves because it makes me happier.

I'm not someone who likes being passive about my own problems or wallowing in my pain, so i assumed that you needed a nudge to get places like how many people nudged me to work on myself. Because that stuff helped me so I thought it would help you.

I wasn't planning some machinations to profit off of or anything, I'm just bad at socializing because the vast majority of people I've ever met have been abusive to me.

[smoochkooks]

—chapter six: wish I was (heat)her

this is a part of my an ode to a broken heart drabble series.

pairing: jeon jungkook/reader

genre: unrequited love, best friends to (?), heavy angst, future smut

word count: 2k

summary: perhaps you should have listened and never looked. perhaps your heart would ache then a little less, perhaps you would break a little slower.

previous || next

a/n: hi, I’m finally back. I hope I’ll be able to update more frequently since I’m on my summer break from uni now. chapter’s title is, indeed, a line from conan gray’s ‘heather’. you’ll see why after reading. 

Dahyun knew from the beginning.

She is a busybody, to say the least. Always has been, since the moment you stepped foot into your university apartment five years ago – wide-eyed, timid, carrying a cardboard box filled with books, with your skittish parents trailing behind you. Grinning like a Cheshire cat, Im Dahyun couldn’t be more than happy to (finally) meet her new roommate. Hence why, right off the bat, she bombarded you with a set of questions.

(”What are you studying? I’m majoring in psychology! Are you from Seoul? Oh, Busan? That’s cool. I grew up in a small town in the South. I’m a terrible cook, by the way. But I always clean up after myself, so don’t worry! And there’s a weird stain on the toilet. It wasn’t me though, swear to God!”)

If Dahyun worked as a police officer, she wouldn’t let the suspect say a single word.

Three weeks into living with Dahyun two things got confirmed: she was, in fact, a terrible cook (”Take-out food is there for a reason, right?”) and that weird stain on the toilet didn’t disappear even after treating it with your mom's extreme chemical mixture that removes ‘everything’.

Dahyun left her whole life behind in that small town in the South and welcomed Seoul with open arms. As a person who has never lived in a big city, she gladly let it swallow her whole. She only had one problem: she needed company. That was why she became determined to make you one.

Having female best friend had its cons, you quickly realised. No matter how close you and Jungkook seemed to be, there were always some matters of rather delicate nature, impossible to discuss with him because you were either too shy to do so or, simply, Jungkook didn’t have a womb. Dahyun was even too ecstatic to fill in for him.

Nevertheless, despite your personalities being polar opposites, you got along pretty well. She was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because you had someone to spend evenings with, someone who could make you laugh and be your shoulder to cry on whenever you had a bad day. A curse, because Dahyun was probably the most perceptive person you had ever met.

It was in her nature from the beginning, you supposed, and studying psychology only made her master the ability to read people. You aren’t an open book, ___, she told you once. You’re rather discreet.

She also said it was your eyes who gave you out.

The first time Jungkook came over, you truthfully introduced him as your childhood best friend. Dahyun wasn’t stupid, you were aware of it, but deep down you hoped that if you had managed to fool everyone around you for all these years, she wouldn’t suspect anything too.

You didn’t miss the sly smirk on her lips, or the way she teasingly replied with, “Ah, so you’re that Jungkook. Nice to finally meet you!”

When Jungkook left, she cornered you in the kitchen straight away. “Does he know?”

“Know what?” you asked, your back facing her. You couldn’t look her in the eye because you knew that once you did, you wouldn’t be able to lie. You reached for the cup to make yourself tea and then–

“That you’re in love with him.”

Your hand stopped midway. Was there even a point in denying now, you wondered. You kept it so long to yourself, this veiled secret of yours. Maybe it was about time you shared your burden with someone else. Someone who wouldn’t judge you. A friend who you could trust.

“It’s kinda cliché you know, falling for your best friend. But it’s also really cute,” Dahyun continued, leaning her side against the counter. “Does he feels the same?”

You sighed heavily and turned to look at her. Does he? He just had a date with a pretty girl named Soojin yesterday. The excitement on his face when he was telling you details was real. He wasn’t lying.

“Judging by your expression I’m assuming he doesn’t,” Dahyun said after a moment, tone of her voice laced with genuine pity. A nod from you was all the confirmation she needed. “Come here.”

And just like that, for the first time in your life, you let yourself break down in front of someone and cry about your affection for the certain raven-haired boy. You let her hold you and listen to your sobs. You were right, she didn’t judge you. She truly became your friend. “Don’t you ever dare think you’re stupid for loving him, ___. Don’t beat yourself up. You’ll get over it one day, I’m sure.” she murmured, caressing your backside. “It’s going to be okay.”

Dahyun might be good at reading people but she hadn’t predicted one thing: that you’ll be crying on her shoulder for the very same reason again and again, even five years later.

“You know, you’re like a female version of Han Seojun.”

Dahyun is a certified kdrama expert. You really doubt that there’s one she hasn’t watched yet. There’s plenty you had courtesy of watching alongside her, actually. Now she’s obsessed (”I am not obsessed, okay? It’s a drama set in high-school and I’m almost twenty-five, for fuck's sake. I just want to know how it’s gonna end. That’s it.”) with True Beauty and Han Seojun has been her phone's lockscreen for two weeks now. Yeah, definitelly not obsessed.

“What does it suppose to mean?” you ask and take a sip of your coffee. You’ve never been here before; this coffee shop was Dahyun's choice and you suspect it might have something to do with the pretty barista she was blushing at while ordering. (You’ll wait until she says it herself though.)

Dahyun looks like she has been waiting for this moment forever. She straightens on her seat and holds her hand up. “You’re in love with your best friend,” She bends one finger. “The person you’re in love with doesn’t reciprocate your feelings,” Second finger. “No matter how much you care for them, they don’t seem to realise it,” Third finger. You open your mouth to protest but she’s quicker. “You’re too good to act on your feelings and ruin the other's relationship,” Fourth finger. “Dammit, I had fifth when I was thinking about it yesterday but I forgot it. Anyway, you get it now?”

Even though Dahyun is partially right, you roll your eyes anyway for good measure. “Sure.”

Dahyun clicks her tongue. “I’m sensitive when it comes to second-lead syndrome. Do you even realise how much it pains me to watch you play second fiddle for five fucking years?” She shakes her head and sighs. “Men suck. Jungkook sucks. That fiancée of his sucks too. I was scrolling through her Instagram yesterday, you know? You can tell a lot about someone based on what they post, there’s even a study conducted on that so I’m not speaking out of my ass right now.”

Involuntarily, your mood brightens. Dahyun has a gift for making people smile. She always makes sure to lighten you up, whether it’s intentional or Dahyun just being her usual, hilarious self.

“So what does Soojin posts say about her then?” you ponder.

Dahyun's face is deadly serious when she says, “That she’s a bitch.”

There’s a moment of complete silence before you burst into a fit of giggles, Dahyun joining you. You wish this moment lasted forever. You wish you could cheer up yourself on your own like that, when you’re lying in your bed awake in the middle of the night and wondering how did you end up in a situation like this: stupidly in love with your best friend, who’s a taken man.

You laugh until your stomach starts tightening and then, like someone has twisted an invisible gear in her brain, Dahyun abruptly stops. Her eyes focus on something behind you and you frown, ready to turn around and see what has startled her but she shakes her head and mutters, “Speaking of the devil.”

Perhaps you should have listened and never looked. Perhaps your heart would ache then a little less, perhaps you would break a little slower.

It seems like she has just come, placing the coffee she ordered on the table. Maybe it wouldn’t be all so hard, if Kang Soojin wasn’t so beautiful, so mesmerising, so painfully perfect in every aspect of hers. She’s everything you wish but would never be. From her silky-smooth hair, through her porcelain skin, to the tips of her nails shaped like almonds.

Dahyun told so many times comparing leads to self-destruction. You might be a masochist then, it seems, because every time you see Soojin you keep asking yourself what does she have that you lack. The list has been long to begin with, yet you manage to add new positions every now and then.

Today, it's the sweater she’s wearing that hurts the most.

It was an ordinary, August night. One of many this coming-to-an-end summer, maybe even the last before you would part your ways for good to start living as adults. But just like tonight, Jungkook would be by your side. He would move out to Seoul too, live about ten minutes from your apartment complex with Jimin. You weren’t losing him, yet you felt like he was slipping out of your reach.

five years ago

“You’re cold, aren’t you?”

Hyunjin had just spilled a beer all over himself, a string of curses leaving his lips. Yugyeom was making out with Nari like there was no tomorrow (and perhaps, for these two wasn’t – they were bound to be separated for the next couple of months due to his upcoming military service, after all), someone yelled to change the music when yet another Big Bang's song got played. A bunch of high school graduates enjoying their last moments as reckless teens.

Despite the bonfire, you were shivering. Wearing short sleeves was a dumb idea, but the dress was so pretty – how could you possibly have thought of taking a jacket with you? It was scorching hot during the day, nobody had told you that nights in August tend to get chillier with each passing week. “I’m going to be fine. The bonfire’s keeping me warm.” you said.

Next to you, Jungkook scoffed. “Doesn’t look like that to me.” You heard shuffling and then, his white sweater was placed on your lap. “Here. Put this on.”

“What about you?” you asked, absentmindedly caressing the soft fabric. It was his beloved sweater, his aunt had brought it for him from America. There was no denying it was impossible for nineteen years old Jungkook to afford designer clothing, which was why he treated that sweater like a trophy, rarely wearing it.

“I’m good,” He smiled and draped the sweater over your shoulders. You heart skipped a bit. “Besides, your mom would’ve killed me if you suddenly got sick after I begged her to let you come here with me.”

It smelled like Jungkook. Fabric softener for kids he liked, mixed with a dash of smoke from the cigarette he lit up earlier. For someone looking at the scene from the distance, it could’ve seemed like you were lovers. Such a simple gesture, yet it carried so much significance for your foolish, teen heart.

Why weren’t you like Nari, brave and confident in her feelings, confessing to Yugyeom after months of staring at him with puppy eyes? Now she got to wear his hoodie and claim his lips with hers. 

But it was okay. Having Jungkook by your side was enough. His sweater draped over your bare shoulders was enough. You could wait for the kisses and affectionate touches a little more.

You waited. Except, they never came.

It’s the same white sweater he offered you to wear five years ago at the bonfire. Maybe it still smelled of cotton and smoke, maybe it now smells like her perfume.

Dahyun was right. You shouldn’t have looked. You shouldn’t have compared.

You wished you were her.

[cinnamonest]

Rewriting my Diluc housewife thoughts but I saved it in my notes this time, but I made it infinitely more sexist than it already was before bc 1) I was in the kink mood and 2) the spirits of writing gods possessed my body and told me that is the way all Diluc content should be, so, this is major 1950s-ish housewifey horrendously misogynistic shit, you've been warned. Like, even *I* looked back over this and was like "wow this is vile" which is kinda saying something for me so, putting the nastier parts under cut for the sake of my followers' eyes ----------- I was thinking about the post a while back about Diluc reforming a criminal darling - a thief around Mondstadt that's been on a crime spree and of course he catches wind of that and goes to defeat the perpetrator (surprisingly very easy? How is a thief this weak?) and haul the bastard off to jail except... What's this? Said criminal is actually just some girl and not a gross ugly bastard?? This changes things. Clearly, this was not an intentional act of malice or greed, but rather, he, master of criminal psychology™, rationalizes that the world is far too cruel for unwifed girls that have no one to depend on, a cold terrible place, so you must have been driven to these actions out of desperation. You had no provider, no caretaker, which are needs. How could you possibly be expected to provide a means of living for yourself?? This is just the consequences of the unfairness of the world. However, things all work out in the end. You need to be taken care of and restrained from these self-destructive choices by force (since you cannot recognize how bad it is, not that you're expected to, it's natural that you have poor perception, that's why you need a man to make choices for you), and he needs a wife. This solution benefits all parties.

He is, however, a rather dense man, and doesn't really think to like, tell you that. Or tell you anything. He's too lost in thought in his planning -- gonna get you new clothes to replace your ragged ones, gonna have to rearrange the guard schedule so they can watch the house better, all that -- and just kinda slings you up and over his shoulder without a word. Ignores you kicking and hitting because it doesn't really hurt or anything, you're too weak for that. Just says he’ll explain in detail later, but don’t worry, you’re not going to jail. He’s just taking you home. This is better, he says. Stop struggling so much, what, you want to go to jail? No? Then be still. And you don't recognize that it's good for you yet, but again, that's expected. In a better time or society, you would have been married off sooner, and prevented from ever falling victim to your own decision making to begin with, but the world isn't perfect and you can be forgiven for it. You're not responsible for your own actions since you can't comprehend them. It's frustrating and he sighs a bit over it, but that's just the way things are. You'll be happy in the long run, even if it takes a while, you're naturally programmed for a better lifestyle he has in mind. And, really, he's glad you weren't married off, because if you were then he never would have had you, so even though it was technically unideal, the stars align and the universe works out things perfectly. It's all the more of a sign that this was fate and you were made for him. The issue is that a hardened criminal darling is... Not the ideal candidate for a housewife. To some extent, he's right that the criminal underworld hardens a person, you can't survive in that realm if you're submissive or weak willed. And criminal darling certainly is not. Loud mouthed, opinionated, argumentative, bad attitude, defiant and aggressive and very much unafraid. A complete loose cannon. All very unfavorable traits. Worst of all, very much unaccepting of and ungrateful for the privilege of a second chance and being graciously granted the opportunity for a better life. Lots of bad behaviors.

The cursing is a problem. It's not very... Wife-like. Gives off a bad image, you know. Especially since said cursing is usually directed at him at a very loud volume with a snarl and getting all up in his face to tell him he's fucking insane and a bastard. To be honest, the worst part isn't the words themselves, it's the fact that you are so unafraid to be defiant and so fiery that is the primary issue. You disobey very deliberately. Little acts of pettiness. Being mean to the maids who are so graciously trying to teach you how to cook (at his direction), since you had no idea how to (and nearly burned his house down as a result). The first time you were mean and bitter and that's how you learned they report back to him about how you behaved. It did not go over well.  

Intentionally burning food. Once you somehow found a bottle in a cabinet somewhere in the mansion and put rat poison in his food, made him sick. Muttering a sarcastic whoops and shoving a vase off to crash and shatter on the floor. Early on you refused to wear all the nice dresses you were generously given and even tried to go through his clothes to find something to wear, which was kinda cute since it was way too big, but still. You mutter and grumble under your breath every time you're given a command. The most important thing is sex, though. You know, your job. One of your only real responsibilities. He has a very stressful job. It's only reasonable that he can expect to come home to his sweet, loving little wife with open arms and equally open legs. You've probably fucked around a bit right? For money, for favors, for intel, you get the idea, lots of ties to criminal gangs to earn their trust. So, if you do it for something so insignificant, how much more does he deserve it for taking care of you fully? You should -- and you will, with time -- drop to your knees the second he walks through the door. But instead, sigh, you fight and whimper and cover your face in shame after you spasm and cum, and worst of all, you actively try not to cum. You shouldn't feel ashamed of that, it's good, he says. Sure, you may not be officially married (since the laws of Mondstadt unfortunately require that whole "consent" thing for both parties, ugh), but, he's basically your husband right? So, it's perfectly normal, you're supposed to cum for him. Maybe once you're all knocked up you'll be even hornier, and less shameful. He actually wasn't expecting you to be this bad. Incredibly stubborn and prideful. Literally the exact opposite traits of a good wife, you know, submissive and humble and obedient. He kinda thought that it was like... automatic. That once he just kinda shoved you in the right environment, it would be like flipping a switch right? Apparently not. But no matter. It can be changed, with effort and time. You're worth it. See, you're not supposed to backtalk him, you're supposed to smile and do what you're told without question. You're supposed to submit and obey, and instead you seem hellbent on pissing him off out of spite - and frankly, you're doing a good job of achieving that. Every time you defy him it sparks an irritation he can't describe, worse than he'd normally get from just being snarled at by anyone - no, something about being disrespected by someone he feels is beneath him makes him much, much angrier than it would be if it were, say, one of the business partners who get snappy and argumentative very frequently. He could break you and it would be easy, don't you know that? You stomp and you hit him and you yell, but clearly you process that you have to look up to look him in the eye, you have to realize how much smaller you are. You hit him even though you have to know by now he'll just grab your wrists, and like always you'll be unable to even hope of pulling out of his grip, the strength difference between you two is so great. There's no way you don't realize all that, yet you continue to behave the way you do. The inferiority is so blatantly obvious, but you act as if it's not. He spends a lot of time contemplating the source of this, the cause of your behavior, it occupies his thoughts. It's like... You resent him for something. Could it possibly be kidnapping you and keeping you as a glorified sex slave? No, no, that's not it. It's something else, yes. Are you just bitter about being inferior in, you know, every conceivable way? Is that it? The criminality for you was compensation to make you feel powerful, perhaps. You have a complex. You resent him not for anything he's done, but because you know he's stronger and smarter and generally superior to you. You don't want to accept it. You're prideful when you shouldn't be. You're supposed to be humble and content with your inferiority. Yeah, that's it. You just have a negative perception of the lifestyle you're supposed to have. Maybe some event in your life or someone else warped your view of things. You don't realize how happy you'd be if you just accepted it. Yes, if you submitted to it, if you swallowed your pride and actually accepted your place, you'd find you would be very happy, you just don't know that. Or maybe, your brain can't grasp something like that. After all, that's the reason you're supposed to be the submissive party of the two of you, you're not as bright or perceptive (says the densest man alive). You have to be... Led. Guided. So he says it. He is, again, a dense man. He does not really think about the fact that perhaps blatantly confronting you with the epiphany he thinks he's had and specifically using the words inferior and weak and small is probably not going to make you very happy. You get bitchy and bratty and try to hit him and he sighs because, see, this is exactly what he's talking about. You reacting the way you did only confirms you do have a complex, he says. So, how could he go about... reconditioning? He is not the most creative man, but thankfully it's a rather easy problem to solve. If you're reminded of a reality often enough, you have to accept it. For starters, using physical strength against you. Maybe that will metaphorically open your eyes. Holds you down in place when you're hitting him like you do, firmly bending you over a counter or whatever and just holding you in place. Come on, try to get up, try to push him off. You snarl and claw at the marble and push will all your strength, but he doesn't budge, not until you politely apologize and ask him to let you up. If you're being difficult and not going where he tells you to, well, he can just sling you up over his shoulder and carry you. If you're fighting being fucked he can just flip you over and press your face into the mattress and hold you still, and you can't help but take the brutal reality that you're basically a ragdoll to him, that is, physically overpowering you doesn't even require trying. It helps to knock you down a peg, remind you of your place and maybe get you to swallow that pride a bit. The orgasms and fucking have a similar effect -- every time you can't help but feel like he has a power over you. And really, he kinda does. Every time you lay there still panting and shivering in aftershock, the shame comes swarming in, all the obscene noises you made and the way you came undone under the person that treats you like property. Even if the rational part of you knows better, you can't help but feel like in a way it's like you let him win, allowed yourself to more or less prove him right. Maybe you'll learn better if you're in more humiliating positions. Stuck getting rammed from behind, hand forcing your face down and ass up. Actually correcting bad behaviors requires more direct approaches, so he takes the... Old fashioned route. After all, it's pretty much guaranteed to work. You don't listen to words, you don't listen to reason, but you'll certainly listen to handprints and belt welts on your ass. It's the first time you really, truly break, and that brings him a lot of satisfaction. The first time you really cry and whimper and beg and apologize so profusely it feels like you mean it for once. Granted, for a while you just persist in your bad behaviors and even try to run when you see him sigh and take the belt off, but you never get far. And, most notably, you actually fix your behaviors, with enough reminders. At one point, the next time you start being bad and get to bitching and snarling and putting up a fight, you catch the look on his face and, for once, you shut your mouth and look down and mumble an apology by default. See, you're learning. Speaking of, you still have that major issue with backtalking him. You're supposed to submit to him and acknowledge his authority over you. So he gets firm. Grabs you by the jaw and forces you to look him in the eye and reminds you that you will *not* get an attitude with him. You *will* show some respect. You say yes sir and no sir and do what you're told. And if you forget, he can give you a reminder, if you want that. But you shake your head with fear in your eyes, say you don't want that. It makes you mad. You want to lash back, but you swallow your pride and mutter a fine - before realizing the mistake, violating the rule you were just reminded of. You stammer out a yes sir but it's already too late. He has to control himself too, not let his anger get the better of him. He speaks in a way that isn't snarling and mean, but rather firm, cold, a flat tone that asserts dominance and demands respect. But... still wants you to like him. So he has to be nice, too. After all, you'll learn better if you're rewarded for being good, right? So you can get little rewards. Words of affirmation. A pat to the head. He'll buy you something you want, let you drink a bit (since, as a thief, of course, you had a problem with that before you came home, but that had to be corrected too, since drunkenness isn't very befitting). And sooner or later he does have a really good little wife. He's proud of you. You smile and obey commands without complaining. He can come home every day, and rather than hearing a long report from the staff about how much trouble you caused that day, instead you have food and smiles and sweet affection waiting on him, you hug him when he walks through the door. You're polite and sweet to the various business partners and guests that come through -- you don't speak to them without permission though, of course, and you look down at the ground so you don't make eye contact with another man. People say he's lucky and how they wish they had a wife that was so outwardly affectionate to them as you are to him, always clinging to him physically. And you don't complain or every object to anything, you just smile and say yes and do it. It makes him happy in a weird way he can't quite articulate. A warm swell of pride, a feeling of success. You have vague memories of a time when you were breaking into houses just to scrape by, not knowing when you'd eat next, not knowing where you'd sleep. It's kind of a fuzzy memory now. You don't have to worry about those things anymore, and you're a lot happier this way.

[transmalewife]

Alright, let's talk about attachment

I can’t find clear information on when exactly the non-attachment rule was added to the code. It was either soon before or soon after the great sith war. Either way, for the VAST majority of the existence of the Jedi, it wasn’t a thing. Jedi got married and had families for over 20000 years, then added the non-attachment rule, which ultimately led to their destruction. And before anyone tries to tell me I believe they deserved to be genocided, I don’t. I have never actually seen anyone say that, but I see people argue against it constantly, and imply anyone who doesn’t think the Jedi were perfect and blameless thinks that. I don’t think they deserved to die, I think they needed to change. And Yoda says that himself, many times. The Jedi weren’t prepared for the return of the sith, or the war. They had separated from the military 1000 years before, and the galaxy was in relative peace all this time, so the order’s role changed to one that worked very well with their rules. Detachment meant they could be impartial when overseeing political disagreements, lack of possessions meant they would be focused on the mission at hand and not prone to taking bribes, and distancing themselves from the general population meant they were more or less uniform, and could be trusted not to side with someone for personal reasons.

All of this falls apart once they become an army again. Impartiality is a flaw when they have to defend one side at all cost and not even allow themselves to consider compromise. Lack of possessions and attachment to people means they are prone to taking unnecessary risks, because they have nothing to lose, and do things like send 14 year olds into battle, thinking of the “greater good” over the safety of children. And the order being a monolith, with set rules and philosophy distinct from the rest of the population meant the Jedi trusted Dooku long after they should have stopped, because he used to be a Jedi after all, surely he still follows the code.

Now, I am not saying non-attachment is always bad, I think it served a very specific purpose in the order, and to some extent worked for many years. However.

Humans are a social species. Human babies NEED physical contact and affection to develop physically. Children need a stable, strong, and supportive relationship to their caregiver to properly develop psychologically. And after last year I don’t think anyone will argue that adults don't need connection with other people just as much. And not just shallow interactions, but open affection and love. Love of any kind, because claiming that the Jedi only forbid romantic love is just untrue. I think people tend to forget that "Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life. So you might say, that we are encouraged to love." isn’t the actual doctrine, it’s a literal pick up line that Anakin uses on Padme.

Ahsoka and Obi-Wan both get criticized by other Jedi for their entirely platonic attachment to Anakin, and vice versa. Now, humans are the most common species in the galaxy, and in the Jedi order. Many other species are near-human, so it’s safe to assume at least some, if not most of them also need that companionship and affection to develop and live happy and stable lives. I do believe that non-attachment is a valid philosophy and chosen path in life if done carefully and within reason, I just don’t think we have a single major character that actually applies to. And chosen is an important word here. Jedi don’t get much of a choice. I’m not trying to start the baby-stealing debate here. I hear the argument of ‘force sensitives are dangerous if left untrained, and said training should start as early as possible’. I think finding a way to deal with that problem was an insanely complicated decision, and taking children into the temple as young as possible is not a bad solution. I don’t entirely agree with not letting them see their families later, (especially since in legends Obi-Wan was allowed to visit his family, which implies Anakin couldn’t go free his mother specifically because he was already too attached), but the idea is sound. I do also understand that no one is forcing Jedi to stay in the order and they can leave for whatever reason at any time. But that isn’t exactly a free choice either. Leaving the order means leaving the only home you remember, the only people you know to make your own way in the galaxy, and staying with those people means you can never fully love them. It’s a difficult solution to a complicated question, and for the most part, it worked (not always, and not exactly as intended, but I’ll come back to that.) Children grew up in the order, were trained to control themselves and the force, and became Jedi who were impartial, patient, and balanced. But everything falls apart when you introduce someone who wasn’t raised in the temple.

In The Rising Force, 13 year old Obi-Wan had barely been off Coruscant in his life. He describes himself as sheltered and unaware of all the pain in the galaxy, and says it was done on purpose, so younglings wouldn’t have to face the dark side before they were ready for it. But Anakin had seen nothing but darkness, pain and injustice before he joined the order. He was severely traumatized, and while the temple might have had some ways of dealing with trauma and PTSD in adults, they had no experience in treating the same in a child, because their children were kept safe and protected. The idea of letting go of your pain and fear only works if you know you have a safe place to come back to, if you’ve spent the first decade or so of your life in the most protected place in the galaxy. Anakin spent the first decade of his life as a slave. He couldn’t let go of his fear, because fear was what kept him alive. Fear is not irrational if you are constantly in danger, it’s what protects you, keeps you aware of the limits you can push before you get punished. And that mindset doesn’t fade just because you’re out of that situation, especially if your only family, the closest person to you, is still facing that danger every day.

I’ve seen people use every excuse possible to explain why Anakin didn’t see his mother again to avoid blaming the council, including, and I shit you not, “He just didn’t have her comm number”. But to me that seems disingenuous, when we see in his first meeting with the council that they already consider him too attached. It's one of the main reasons they don’t want him to be trained, so it seems logical that they wouldn’t allow him to see her once he became a padawan. I also want to mention that what Yoda says, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” Is just… blatant catastrophizing. Right? Like we can all see that the escalation is not rational there at all. Maybe it could apply to something else, but not to a child who just left his mother for the first time in his life and went from a tiny dustball in the middle of nowhere to the most populated planet in the galaxy, and is now being tested by a bunch of old people with the power to decide his future. Obviously he’s afraid, and obviously he’s not dealing with it the way Jedi younglings do. That, in and of itself doesn't doom him to fall. Also what Yoda misses there is that suffering leads to fear. This is a closed loop, and one that has defined Anakin’s entire childhood.

Let’s come back to how the system doesn’t always work. The way I see it, most of the characters we see are attached. Obi-Wan is considered one of the greatest Jedi of his time. Windu describes him as “our most cunning and insightful Master—and our most tenacious”. And yet, he was not insightful enough to look past his love for Anakin, his attachment, and see how close to falling he was. Ahsoka was so attached to Anakin she refused to listen to Maul on Mandalore, refused to even consider the posibility he could fall. She was arguably the person with the best shot at preventing the empire forming at that point, and she loved anakin so much she doomed him and the entire galaxy. Aayla admitted to thinking of Quinlan as her father, and also, apparently in legends had a long relationship with Kit. Even Mace didn’t follow the code when he decided to kill Palpatine, which directly led to his death and the empire. He also indirectly caused the war to start. According to wookiepedia “Windu viewed Dooku as the shatterpoint of the entire Separatist movement, which meant striking Dooku down would theoretically end the imminent clone war before it even began. However, Windu's prior attachments to Dooku clouded his judgment.” I’m not even going to mention Kanan and Ezra, who are obviously family.

So basically everyone is attached and lying about it. How has no one thought that maybe this isn’t the healthiest way to live and tried to change the code? Well, I have a theory, and it’s Yoda. He was 900 years old when he died, and was on the council for the vast majority of his life. I can’t find when exactly he became grand master, but it’s safe to assume he held some degree of power over the entire order for most of a millennium. At the end of TPM he tells Obi-Wan “Confer on you the level of Jedi knight, the council does. But agree with your taking this boy as your padawan learner, I do not.” Then he reverses that decision by himself. So either he has the power to veto the council’s word, or who gets trained is entirely up to him. Either way, not great, considering his lifespan is so much longer than most Jedi, and therefore his approach to life is vastly different. Humans need love and closeness to live. However, while we don’t know much about Yoda’s species, it probably isn’t a social one. You could count all the characters of this species on two (human) hands, and Yoda lived in complete isolation for 20 years on Dagobah, and only went a little bit insane. They are naturally rare, and therefore probably lead solitary lives in nature. Moreover, Yoda outlived every master who trained him, and almost every padawan he trained himself, (there’s a great post about that here) so even if he wasn’t naturally predisposed to non-attachment, he would have had to learn it to deal with all the loss he had to live through over the years.

A lot of people think that Anakin fell because he had attachments, which is not true. He fell because of how his attachments played out and/or ended. The most obvious example being Palpatine, who used Anakin’s trust and friendship to groom him for over a decade and actively undermine Anakin’s trust towards anyone else, especially the order. (more on that here). Obi-Wan refused to take on the role of a father figure that Anakin tried to shove him into, so he turned to someone who did accept it. It’s not Anakin’s fault that it turned out to be the worst person alive, nor can we expect him to notice when he’s known Palpatine since he was a child. Another failure of jedi non-attachment, because a loving parent or guardian would not let their child be used as a bargaining chip when the most powerful politician in the galaxy blackmailed the order into allowing him to meet Anakin regularly, but a distant teacher and detached knight thinking of the greater good might. The other attachments Anakin had were taken from him (Shmi and Ahsoka, the last orchestrated by Palpatine who was fully ready to give her the death penalty to make Anakin more unstable), or he was forced to lie and hide them, compromising his vows as a Jedi (Padme) or refused to choose Anakin over the order/their principles (Obi-Wan, and again Ahsoka, and to some extent Padme, but he’d already fallen then). All these people had every right to make the choices they made, but it wasn’t the act of loving them that made Anakin turn to the dark side, it was how those attachments played out.

I think everyone agrees that Yoda is as detached as a Jedi should, if not can, be, and that didn’t prevent Dooku from falling. We see that explored in more detail with Barriss and Luminara. Luminara is detached and distant, she’s fond of Barriss, but their relationship is not familial in the slightest, and she repeatedly shows her willingness to put the greater good and the mission before Barriss’ safety and even life. And yet Barriss still falls. A complex combination of events and choices caused each of those characters to fall, not the simple presence or absence of attachment.

And lastly, just as attachment can make you unstable if your relationship with that person is unstable, it can also make you stronger. There is a reason Anakin and Obi-Wan were the face of the army. Not only did their obvious attachment (the strongest between two jedi we are shown) make them more relatable to the public, but they, when working as a team, are shown repeatedly to be more or less undefeatable. They spend half of aotc flinging themselves off great heights because they know the other will be there to catch them. They know from years of experience that they have backup and they know each other well enough (or force bond communicate) that they can trust the other will be where he needs to be to help/save them. Contrast that to how Windu and Palpatine fight in rots once the window breaks- very carefully, clearly holding back to keep themselves safe. Neither of them has backup until Anakin arrives, but until the last second they can't be sure which one he will choose. Anakin and Obi-Wan fight the same way on Mustafar, especially when balancing on that thin bridge. No acrobatics, swinging arms to keep balance, keeping their distance, being almost uncharacteristically careful compared to how they treated heights in aotc, in tcw, and on the invisible hand in rots, because they both know the other won't catch them if they fall this time.

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

Into The Unknown, Part 8

First

Previous

Marinette had never thought that living in another world would be this hard.

Sure, she had known that she would have issues when it came to the whole ‘she wasn’t technically supposed to be here and therefore needed a new identity’ thing. That was kind of obvious. The story they’d come up with had been simple enough -- she had grown up in Gotham with her parents, was highschool sweethearts with Tim, they had gotten married, he’d moved in with her, and her parents had died so she’d gotten custody of Damian. She was pretty sure Tim had a tragic backstory, but she didn’t really have that memorized yet. She wasn’t all that worried about it, though, she spent quite a lot of time dodging answering questions about her private life as Ladybug. Marinette probably wouldn’t even need to memorize his backstory (she would, of course, because she was nothing if not an overachiever, but she was well aware of the fact that it wasn’t quite necessary).

But, no, it was the small things that made it difficult.

Like affection.

Marinette was Parisian, she was used to greeting people with kisses on both cheeks. Hugs were something reserved for people you were close to.

But, no, Americans just insisted on being backward in everything that they do. And, supposedly, Marinette was American. She could get away with her accent because Gotham had a bunch of different people and it was easy to claim she came from the French part of town, but when it came to customs? No, she had to at least try and act like someone who had lived in America for her entire life.

So, when she was greeted with a hug from the most affectionate of her fellow interns, Marinette suppressed a cringe and patted her on the back awkwardly.

“Hi, Paige,” she said.

Paige beamed. “Ready for work?”

Marinette squinted up at the building. The WE in this universe was even taller than in her usual one.

… or maybe it just looked like that because she dreaded going inside. Ugh. Being an intern was going to suck.

“No.”

“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.”

“Thanks…”

But, despite Paige’s assurances, it did not go fine.

And it wasn’t even the job thing that wasn’t going well. That, at least, she could handle. No, it was this world’s meme culture that sent her spiraling.

She’d been holding exactly nine cups of coffee, seven mugs of tea, and one energy drink can. Marinette didn’t know if it was her time working in a bakery or some sort of latent Ladybug skills or what but it wasn’t even all that difficult to hold them all.

Paige raised her eyebrows at her, looking vaguely concerned. “Do you need help?” She asked, hands already out as if expecting her to say yes.

Marinette cracked a grin. “No. I’m fine. It’s not even that hard. I could probably carry another two drinks, even.”

“Freaky flexing, but fine.”

“... the fuck did you just say to me?”

~

Tim hummed lightly as he bounced on the balls of his feet, baby sleeping soundly on his shoulder. Marinette fumbled the keys to their new apartment, mumbling curses.

She’d outright told him that she didn’t really care, that she’d lived above a bakery for most of her life so it wasn’t like she would mind as long as the place had counter space…

So why was he nervous?

He felt the tiny hand in his shirt grip him tighter and he looked down. Damian was still fast asleep, sucking on his pacifier peacefully. Tim wondered, idly, how that worked. Was it a reflex that humans lose as they age like the grasping reflex or was it a learned behavior that went away when it wasn’t reinforced anymore?

Marinette managed to open the door, her cheeks tinged red at how difficult it had been, and she swung it open.

He stopped bobbing up and down to watch her face.

But she just shrugged to herself and bent down to grab the box she’d brought up.

He tried not to look too relieved as he followed her inside and watched her set the box down on the kitchen island.

She glanced back at him. “I call cleaning and setting up the apartment!” She said brightly.

“Okay…?” He said, confused as to why she was so excited to clean up…

But then Damian started to stir.

Oh. If she had cleanup duty… then he had…

Baby duty.

Oh.

Oh no.

“Shit, Mari, wait --!”

“Too late! You already said okay!” She said, already heading to the door.

Damian spat out his pacifier and took that one long, deep breath he always took before he was about to scream.

“Mari!”

She stuck her tongue out at him and disappeared around the doorframe just as the baby started to cry.

Tim heaved a sigh and pressed a kiss to the top of the kid’s head. The wailing quieted a little, but didn’t stop. Tim would take it, he hadn’t even been expecting Damian to quiet himself. This was an absolute win in his book.

He glanced at the box that had been brought up but, unfortunately, they hadn’t had enough foresight to bring the baby supplies.

He poked his head out the door and yelled for Marinette to bring up the box with the baby stuff first. She yelled ‘fuck you’ in response but when she came back she handed him the box regardless.

He smiled -- or, at least, he smiled as much as it was possible to smile when a baby was screaming at you -- and went to work figuring out what was wrong.

~

There was good news and bad news.

Good news was that Damian was starting to learn that crying was okay.

Bad news was that Damian was starting to learn that crying was okay.

And, listen, Marinette obviously preferred that. She wanted to know when the kid was hurt or hungry or even just craving affection… but ugh.

She twisted around in the bed to squint at the clock.

Three o’clock. Great.

She groaned softly and buried her face in Damian’s hair again. “Dami, please, I have work tomorrow. Shhhhhhhhh,” she pleaded. As if she didn’t have to go to work every day.

Damian, of course, didn’t stop crying.

Marinette thought she was going to cry.

Tim pulled his arm from around them so he could cover his ears with his pillow.

She reluctantly sat up. Damian banged his little fists against her shoulder in an attempt to tell her… something. Probably that he wasn’t happy. As if the entire apartment complex couldn’t hear just how unhappy he was.

She changed his diaper and then got him Cow. Hopefully that would sate him for the rest of the night.

She clambered back into bed and sent Tim a weak smile when he wrapped an arm around them.

She scooted toward him, because Damian was reaching for him and his eyes were closed, and tucked her head under his chin. He tensed just slightly before relaxing and tangling his legs with hers.

Damian seemed to like being cocooned between them, because he made a vague happy sound and settled down to sleep without much (more) fussing.

Tim hummed lightly. His voice was terrible, but it seemed to calm Damian so Marinette wasn’t about to complain.

It took a while for Damian to go back to sleep but, eventually, he did. Unfortunately, he fell asleep while biting the crinkly ears of his plush and it was hard to sleep with the steady crkcrkcrkcrk sound right next to her.

From the way Tim’s breathing had yet to slow, he wasn’t asleep either.

Well, at least that was something to do.

“I’m beginning to think the reason babies are so cute is that otherwise we would kill them,” she joked, her voice soft so as not to wake the kid again.

Not that it would matter all that much. She could, unfortunately, not see herself going back to sleep before her alarm went off.

He chuckled and nodded as much as he could with her head beneath his. “Right? I just want one night of good sleep --.”

He stopped suddenly.

She drew back a little to check that he was fine, only to see him looking mildly horrified.

“We need to go back home soon. I’m going to get used to sleeping like a normal person. I can’t do that,” he said.

She grinned. “Oh no. The horror.”

“No, you don’t get it. If I do that then I’ll be giving into my family’s wishes. I can’t let them think they’re right about something!”

She giggled, shaking her head. “Here, I’ll make it easier for you: I don’t want you to sleep. As Dami and I are your only family -- legally -- for the next fifteen years, you must not do what we want. Therefore, you have to sleep.”

“Ah. Reverse psychology.”

“Well, I am a psych major.” Some of the amusement faded. “Was a psych major.”

“... really?”

“Yeah. I dunno. I’d figured it was the closest I could get to being Ladybug again.”

“You’re still Ladybug.”

She shrugged just slightly. “Yeah. I dunno,” she said again. She tried for a grin. “Doesn’t feel the same when there’s no emotional terrorism involved.”

“Trust me, you don’t want to do the same thing over and over again for a million years.”

“There’s some comfort in things staying the same.”

“Oh? Maybe we should trade.”

“That’s an amazing plan that I see no problems with. You get to go around beating up the Meta Of The Week and I’ll stay in Gotham dealing with all the idiots in spandex.”

“Are we switching outfits, too?”

“Oh yeah. Obviously. Gotta commit to the whole ‘switching’ thing. I bet I’ll look cuter in your outfit, too.”

“Ah, yes, because cuteness is the most important part of vigilante costumes.”

“We end up in papers all the time, being cute is totally important.”

He chuckled lightly and she felt the arm around her give her a tiny squeeze. She buried her face in his chest.

“You should try and sleep.”

“Hypocrite,” she teased, but she could already feel her eyelids drooping.

He hummed. She thought that, maybe, it didn’t sound so bad as to make him stop.

~

Tim had been in the middle of bathing Damian as he always did before bed when he’d accidentally splashed water on his face.

Perfectly fine and normal.

What wasn’t perfectly fine and normal was that the baby responded by saying: “Oh shit!”

Tim’s eyes narrowed.

“MARINETTE,” he yelled.

Marinette was there in seconds. There was some kind of green paste on her face. She’d been in the middle of her usual skincare routine. He thought it was kind of weird that near-immortals needed skincare routines but that wasn’t the point here.

She looked around frantically. “What?! What’s wrong?!”

“Damian just said sh --... he said the s-word.”

Marinette relaxed at that and sent Tim a glare. “Don’t blame this one on me. You’re the one that says that.”

Tim frowned. Because, now that he thought about it, he was pretty sure she was right.

“Now, if he’d said ‘fuck’, that would have been on me, but he didn’t, so --.”

“FUCK,” Damian said brightly.

Tim glared at Marinette again, this time rightfully so.

She looked a little sheepish. “... okay, yeah, that one’s on me.”

~~~~~

Next

@nathleigh @peachmuses @unoriginalmess @hammalammadamdam @astrynyx @laurcad123 @927roses-and-stuff

[ruby-whistler]

I feel like if we really want to take a closer look at the topic of c!Dream’s obsession with c!Tommy, we have to look into both his reasons for it, and the tactics he employs to achieve his goals concerning it.

[ /dsmp /roleplay I did not tag this that way but this entire analysis is hugely c!Dream critical and focuses on the various facets of his manipulation, so if you’re not in the mood to read that, you have been warned not to. ]

Interestingly enough, before the SMP was actual heavy roleplay, back during the original disc war, the reason c!Dream listed for keeping the discs was to use them as bargaining chips, because he knew c!Tommy wanted them back, as they were hard items to get at the time, and knew he could use them for that purpose.

He had just gotten mugged and repeatedly killed by c!Tommy, who had also participated in a conflict beforehand, and only gave a half-hearted apology in the end. He had also seen him cause problems on the server before that. The discs were meant to be something he would threaten to destroy if c!Tommy started acting out of line, because he didn’t trust him to keep his word and wanted a guarantee. That was the reason he insisted on keeping the discs after getting his armor back, which is why he originally stole them.

And I feel like c!Dream’s train of thought, while skewed and twisted with irrational mindsets, is rather straightforward in essence. Conflict is what he actively stands against and what stops him from having a united server, hence in his mind, he needs to destroy things that bring conflict, and control what he can’t or doesn’t want to destroy. He thinks c!Tommy brings conflict, so he feels like he needs to find ways to control him.

Sure, we all know about the systematic abuse and isolation he employed to make c!Tommy believe he was his friend, but one of his major tactics since the beginning has also been intimidation, or a particular type of manipulation that leads to people fearing him or thinking that he has more power than he actually does. In his mind, if people are scared of him, they’re much more likely to listen to him. And the most fascinating thing is that it works.

During the initial exile conflict, despite him being just a single person with no official political power, he assures victory by aggressively, and very intelligently, threatening his way through the negotiations. c!Tubbo is scared of him, and that is not a coincidence. It’s purposeful.

Seeing as he planned to give L’Manberg technical independence either way - he said that there was no real way for him to stop them from pursuing that anyways, so that wasn’t the intention - even the war seems like a very likely ploy to make the revolutionaries fear him enough so that they wouldn’t start conflict after seceding. c!Wilbur is careful not to start anything with the Greater Dream SMP after this, because c!Dream has shown that he can and will ruin them if they do. c!Tubbo also knows exactly the lengths c!Dream will go to if he promises war thanks to this, and that if he says he’ll build a wall and keep them from leaving it with force, he’s going to do it. When c!Tubbo is faced with an ultimatum, seeing as his goal is to keep New L’Manberg safe and peaceful, he knows he has no option but to give in.

Another variation of this tactic is making himself seem more dangerous and unpredictable than he actually is and obscuring his motivation. If people don’t know what he wants, they are less able to devise effective tactics to stop him from getting it. The element of surprise is something that he utilizes constantly throughout warfare, and psychological battling is no different. For instance, during Doomsday he begins talking about how the server will “be at peace now” thanks to L’Manberg being gone, before c!Tommy barges in, and begins implying he did this all because he hates him.

DREAM Tommy… Look. In all destruction *looks at the falling TNT* there is a new beginning.

TOMMY You- you did this…! To all of us! Not just to me, but to everyone here…!

DREAM Beautiful. You know… the unfinished symphony, right?

…

TOMMY Why…?

DREAM The server will be at peace now.

TOMMY Why, Dream…?

DREAM Because I didn’t-

TOMMY Couldn’t you just- couldn’t you just burn the discs…? Couldn’t you just do it to me? Why did you have to…?

DREAM This is much more fun.

[ credits to @dsmptranscripts on twitter ]

Although c!Dream’s motivation for destroying L’Manberg was actually that, much like with c!Tommy, he thought that it bred conflict and division, he picks up on this and switches to saying how he did indeed do this all to hurt c!Tommy because he finds it fun.

He talks very inconsistently plenty of times, but it’s rather easy to spot a pattern of him being honest about his motives with his allies but straight up lying to his enemies. This makes sense, and it is usually employed as a deliberate tactic.

Intimidation is something he also uses to manipulate people during his time in prison. Ever since he got locked up, it became a mental fight. If people fully realized that he was powerless to stop them from hurting or killing him, his life only hanging by a thin strand on the concept of the revive book, he would’ve lost the control he needed to assure his survival.

The difference is that before then, c!Dream had actual physical power, however the manipulation gets harder to pull off when he has none, even with people he finds naive enough to fall for it. He still risks it because he’s desperate, and has nothing but his own life to lose, which is something he believes to be protected by his possession of the revival book. He had never been big on self-preservation besides staying alive to reach his goals.

He first tries this on c!Sam, who, rather unpredictably, begins to get morally corrupted by the power he has over c!Dream, on top of other factors. c!Dream talks to c!Sam about exile and about c!Tommy because logically, if he’s afraid of him, he’s less likely to try to hurt or kill him. This backfires because this new, unexpected version of c!Sam begins to fiercely hate c!Dream instead, hurting him further.

The same thing happens with c!Tommy - when he realizes that he can’t influence him through repeated visits anymore, he attempts to scare him into obedience again. He establishes himself as someone dangerous who has the power to escape and hurt c!Tommy as well as his friends, which he hopes will subconsciously sway him to not do things that he would disagree with. We can see him pretending to be the one in control throughout the stream after c!Tommy first got revived.

He also tells him that he can bring back the person who he’s afraid of the most and get him on his side, which is precisely the bit that ends up backfiring, but it doesn’t really matter, and trying was still the best thing he could’ve logically done.

If he hadn’t, at some point people would realize he actually has no power at all, and pay back the fear he’d instilled in them previously. This happens with c!Quackity, who began to take advantage of c!Dream’s lack of control as soon as he realized how easy it was to strip away the last bit of power he has, which is also keeping him alive.

Getting back on track, c!Dream essentially tries to control c!Tommy first by manipulating him into believing he is his friend, then believing he is a threat to him when that fails. We can see this from the way the Finale is prepared to be somewhat of a final showdown between the two, and also by him actually revealing the tactics he used to employ during exile, for example talking about taking away the invites to the party and not actually being his friend. This also proves he knew exactly what he was doing during that time, and he could easily switch between tactics because the end goal of controlling c!Tommy was more important to him than what c!Tommy thought of him.

And that’s it.

It’s all just a ploy to control him because he finds him one of the hardest people to stop from causing conflict.

Controlling him is as important to c!Dream as destroying L’Manberg and dethroning c!George and collecting people’s attachments, because what is important to him is achieving his goals through whatever means necessary, not the means themselves.

As for people, while he has no desire to actually kill them - or feels he cannot, because they could still be useful to his plans in the future - he treats them as either tools or obstacles he needs to deal with, especially if they ever get in the way of his plans, and he isn’t particularly attached to them. He does this to himself as well, and doesn’t seem to care about his own well-being or reputation as long as he achieves what he wants. While he’s focused on the ends to his means, that is the only thing that is important to him.

You could argue this does stem from thinking of the people he wants the server to be united for as important, since cc!Dream said his goals are for “everyone to get along”, but that doesn’t change the fact that the ways in which he works towards that goal doesn’t treat others’ or his own feelings as consequential at all. In the case of people who stand against him, their entire well-being is put to the side until what needs to be done in his mind gets done.

c!Dream isn’t “scared” of c!Tommy per se, nor does he seem to be obsessed with the guy himself, but he finds him something necessary to get out of the way to accomplish his goals, and he does so, ruthlessly as ever.

And even though the goal of eradicating conflict and uniting the server is something that he is so focused on that it could definitely be called an obsession, c!Tommy really isn’t that important within the equation at all.

This wasn’t a post to excuse or downplay any of his actions, nor do I agree with the “logical” thoughts I mentioned. There is a reason why I used phrases like “he finds” “in his eyes” “he thinks” “in his mind” “he feels like” a whole lot throughout this essay.

The character has an extremely flawed worldview that I in no way agree with (and although that should probably be pretty obvious, you really don’t know with this fandom). All this post is for is to analyse certain traits that are assigned to him, and figure out through logical reasoning whether they’re a mischaracterization or not.

And as far as the evidence goes; c!Dream isn't obsessed with c!Tommy, he is obsessed with his goal, and he sees Tommy as a big obstacle to achieving it, which makes him focus on him. These feelings he puts on display are an illusion to distract people from his real goal so they don't know how to get in his way - because, just like cc!Dream said, he “likes to withhold information; withhold plans; and withhold feelings” from everyone else.

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

Ah yes good old detransitioning. It’s not that common and yet certain people talk about it like it’s the MOST common outcome (not, you know, feeling better about your gender. Which Is the most common outcome of transitioning.) 

Even in the small amount of people who do detransition: they’ve done studies on factors of detransitioning which find that in the majority of cases it’s because of external pressure (not feeling safe being openly trans, being attacked, not being able to access medical care anymore for whatever reason, etc.) rather than the person freely deciding that they didn’t identify as trans anymore. In other cases, the person still identifies as trans but just decides not to pursue medical transition for whatever reason, and this is also considered “detransitioning”. Other people who technically detransition choose to transition again later, when they’re in a safer or more financially stable place or what have you. There are a lot of factors, it’s already pretty rare, and yet transphobes will latch onto like one (1) story about a person who regrets transitioning and be like SEE?? IT’S POSSIBLE TO REGRET IT! THIS IS THE ONLY POSSIBILITY WE WILL TALK ABOUT! Like, okay. It’s possible to regret literally any decision that you make. It’s possible to regret your marriage, Karen, but I don’t see you calling for the outlawing of all heterosexual marriage Just In Case, do I? Yet look at the divorce rates! The stats for domestic abuse! Surely the risk is too high to allow this thing. lol. /s

This is a good post from good old transgenderteensurvivalguide about detransitioning, they’ve got a couple sources. Here’s another, recent study I found via quick google search which supports the “majority of detransitioners do it because of external pressure”: 

but again this is just quick research bc (a point that’s mentioned in the TTSG post!) I don’t like thinking about detransition much just because it is used as a “but what if!!” weapon by unpleasant people so much lol! (This is not the fault of people who, for whatever reasons of their own, do end up detransitioning! Unpleasant people will find any excuse to be unpleasant.) So I haven’t spent a lot of time looking into it. Different sources find different percentages of trans people detransition at some point I think, but it’s always a small number. 

About trusting your feelings, I don’t know what advice to give because I also struggle with that lol. It has gotten and continues to get better with time. When I was preparing for top surgery I’d have moments where I’d be like “but what if I regret it???” and then I’d actually calm myself down and think, okay, do I want to put this on hold and think about it a while longer, make sure I really want to? and the answer was always a strong NO absolutely not, I really want this and I’m excited about it and eager for it to happen as soon as possible! Yet I’d panic over nothing, just because I felt like surely I couldn’t trust myself to be right about something so big. But I woke up after the surgery with this just transcendent feeling of happiness and peace and contentment, and I’ve never regretted it, and I take every socially acceptable chance to show off my chest because I love it. Looking forward to swimming shirtless this summer! already enjoying wearing sleeveless shirts! It’s just been amazing. HRT has been great too, part of me is like “woah that’s different! I need to get used to how my voice sounds and feels different and I sing in a different register now” and part of me is like IT’S STILL HAPPENING TOO SLOWLY GIVE ME ALL THE CHANGES IMMEDIATELY PLEASE AND THANK U lol. Generally been very excited about it all. 

One thing TTSG mentions is that if you’re not sure you want to continue HRT you can microdose and get the changes very very slowly so you have plenty of time to decide if you like everything and want it to continue or if you’d like to stop where you are. As for surgeries, it’s required that you get a psychological evaluation that makes sure you’re in your right mind and fully understand the procedure you’re getting, not to mention the expenses and wait time, it’s not like it’s just something you can do on a whim. 

There’s no timeline on this, you can take as long as you need to to figure out what’s right for you personally. 

Ah yes Christianity. I had a huge crisis over the book Hostage to the Devil by Malachi Martin, a work which claims to be based on real events (I do NOT recommend. and I do not believe it’s anything but fiction) and was like “am I possessed??? is this what this is?? The nice Catholic guy that my church likes said being transgender means you’re full of demons and he’s probably right, right?” and read the catechism and it was like “no you can’t be trans” and it was just. a bad time for religious/gender crises lol. I eventually ended up ditching my religion (as you’ve probably noticed from some of my posts) but I do know several queer Christians who reconcile their beliefs with their identities, and while I was still Christian the way I saw it was, okay, nobody else might see it this way but I know that this isn’t just something I decided to do, or a demonic punishment for not being a good enough Christian. I know this is just an essential part of who I am. So God must have made me this way, and God knows what He’s doing; if anyone else doesn’t like it they can take it up with God. (religious crisis: why the hell would God put me in a church that’s so transphobic tho?? Is he, like, a sadist?? Is his whole church wrong or am I wrong?? am I in the wrong church?) 

Transphobes are also quick to claim that seeking gender-affirming medical treatment is “mutilation”, and yet the same people will generally support allowing plastic surgery to make intersex people seem more binary (even for children too young to consent to receiving such treatment!), and unnecessary plastic surgery that makes cis people feel more conventionally attractive according to their own weird little ideas about gender norms. And cis people with hormone issues can get hormones and nobody raises an eyebrow, but when a trans person wants hormones it’s all NOOOOOO how dare! (I can’t find it now, thank you tumblr broken search function, but there’s a video I really love where a trans woman explains how when people ask about her voice she just says she has a hormonal imbalance. Which is technically true! Trans people don’t have the hormone levels normally associated with their genders! It’s such an easier way to explain it? And cis people can have hormone imbalances and get hormones to treat it and it’s no big deal but I.... ugh you get the point) Anyways. You don’t have to medically transition to be trans, you can do some things or not others, and generally, when you do medically transition, it’s amazing just how much of it is completely natural, is simply just your own body getting a little help to develop in a different direction. Like, HRT doesn’t add anything foreign, it just readjusts your hormone levels (generally everyone already has both types of hormone in them) and that helps your body change. The language transphobes use makes it sound like you’re assaulting a perfect body with a meat cleaver for no good reason. The way I see it, transition is holy and honoring to your body, it makes it more whole and more itself, not less. You can take hormones and not receive any surgeries if they scare you, and your body will still naturally change itself quite dramatically. This is wonderful and beautiful to me and I’m so glad HRT is an option, it’s really life changing. 

Anyways, yeah, it’s a lot to deal with! Good luck figuring everything out, I’m sorry it’s so confusing. I’m not sure exactly what your family situation is like, mine was Bad(TM) so my knee-jerk reaction is don’t talk to your family, pretend you’ve forgotten about it, just avoid the subject so they’ll leave you alone!! You’ve got enough to deal with yourself without them making it worse! But I don’t know what your particular situation is. Again, good luck! 

[quirklessidiot]

Title: blood son [oneshot; filthy rich sequel]  Pairing: millionare!sakusa kiyoomi x y/n [filthy capitalist au ft. kageyama tobio as your son] Genre: major angst ahead, thriller, yandere!au-ish

Synopsis: A full circle of madness finally comes to an end.

Warnings: sexual themes, rape, yandere behaviorisms (just some obsessive and disturbing stuff), very dark themes, anxiety, trauma, depression, eating disorder, unwanted pregnancy/children (y/n hates her kid here), suicide,  gaslighting, and Y/N’s decent to madness

Notes: happy 800 due to a lot of uh people asking for a short sequel, here it is...for better understanding, please read filthy rich skskksks anyways onto the story…i cant write smut for shit sIKE also fuck men and women like this, if you see them chok’em and chunk’em in the basin.  yes tobio is ur bby boy here idk kageyama and sakusa have the same energy i just couldnt resist i swear sksks

Filthy rich // series masterlist

A moan escapes your lips when you feel the hot liquid fill your hole, your expression is tantalizing and completely erotic. Something that he can’t seem to stop looking at, your body that was now a canvas of his marks, was a reminder that no one could have you. 

You're oblivious to it all, the things he did. The things he wanted to do to you, the dark thoughts, you were like a small rabbit in the den of a large wolf. Completely trusting, completely dumb and he’s taking advantage of it.

He stuffs and fills you up with his seed so that you’ll never leave him. 

He wants to breed you.

Your belly swelling with his children.

It was definitely a dream come true.

Your eyes snap back to reality as the bus stops in front of the new town, you had moved towns earlier since the town started to become a tourist destination. The idea of staying there would be too risky despite having the alias of Kageyama Miwa. You were still in hiding and you feared to even open the news despite it being eight years since you ran away.

“Okaasan, are we going to go down now?” a small voice asks.

You turn to find his son staring right at you, it had been a cruel reminder for him to look a lot like his father. You knew that he didn’t have any part in this, he was a victim just like you but you couldn’t help but be distant and not-so affectionate.

This was his kid.

His blood.

You couldn’t help but shrivel away.

“...Okaasan will just take her duffel bag on the overhead, just wait right behind me.” You say quietly. Tobio was a good boy, he was quiet and obedient. If the circumstances had been different, you’d adore him but every time you looked at him, all you saw was his wretched father and the unnamed things he did in the name of ‘love’.

To be honest, you didn’t know what else Sakusa did aside from trying to get you pregnant and holding you back from leaving. 

You didn’t even want to try to find out. If he was willing to go through such lengths to have you stay, it was more than enough reason to run away. You held onto your child’s hands as you made your way to your new home, it was smaller than the last one but this was alright.

It was clean and livable.

Tobio stays at the side, out of your way as you begin to fix up the house. The young boy isn’t social for his age towards his peers and you should be worried yet you can’t bring yourself to be, “Okaasan’s going to go to the grocery store, would you like anything?” you ask.

“Milk.”

“Alright, just stay here okay?”

He meekly nods as you awkwardly pat his head and  tie your roughly chopped hair in a tight ponytail, over the course of eight years, time has not been kind to you. You had grown unhealthily thin, probably lost some hair due to stress, and the bags underneath your eyes due to the lack of good sleep was evident.

You tell yourself that he isn’t looking for you now.

That he probably found a new plaything but you couldn’t help but look behind your shoulder every time. You didn’t even expect to get this far away, last you heard whilst you were at the station towards the last town eight years ago, you were being searched up and down by the police all over Tokyo.

You really thought you’d be found out and you feared for the worse but the farther you went, the less news reports you saw.

They probably thought you had died.

Which was good on your part that time because you’d rather be dead in a ditch than be caught up with a man like him again.

“...-Kusa Kiyoomi is expected to marry the daughter of Akiko Corp soon…”

You tense up at the mention of the very familiar name as you pass by the appliance store, shakily you turn to the tv screen to find a video of Sakusa Kiyoomi with a woman who had the same hair color as yours. Everything around you is muted now as his cold gaze fills the tv screen, your heart is thumping quick. 

He isn’t here.

He isn’t here.

“...It’s quite the love story of the century, don’t you think? After the disappearance of Kiyoomi’s beloved eight years ago, he met her a few years back and he seems to be doing well.” The tv anchor smiles on the screen as she talks to her co-host but inside you were shaking, what did happen to your missing person report? Curiosity starts to gnaw your insides as you head to the internet café before going to the grocery store.

You didn’t have the guts to look then but after seeing that report, you pull up on the secluded part of the internet café and search up your case. Your mouth dries up, the search was still on-going much to your surprise. There was even a website dedicated to it, “...Y/N L/N might be suffering from hysteria and psychological problems, please contact us immediately when you see her.”

Your eyes narrowed at the report as you shakily cup your mouth and choke back a laugh, that bastard really had the audacity to diagnose you with that when he was the one sick to the head.

Once again, the bile on your throat starts to pile up.

It still wasn’t safe.

You’d probably live your whole life on the run.

On the run with his son that scarily resembled him, how fucking cruel.

Sakusa Kiyoomi’s eyes glaze over the small town in discontent, apparently his bride-to-be wanted to get married here and who was he to refuse? All he wanted to do was get this over with so her father can shut up.

“Kiyoomi-san.” a small dainty voice calls out, he turns to his side to find (h/c) staring right at him. Akiko Hideyo is the daughter of one of the most powerful businessmen in Tokyo, he met her at a function a few years ago.

The very first time he saw her was from behind, it was a rather scary resemblance that he had to stop himself from approaching her by calling your name yet when he started to talk to her and hear her dainty voice, he realizes that she’s not even like you at all.

She was gentle and dainty like a deer.

Albeit his little bunny was gentle when they got together sometimes, he always recalled how you were filled with spunk. How you weren’t even afraid to put him in his place and how you were all over the place but seem to look beautiful whilst doing so.

He always recalled wanting to control you yet you never seem to succumb to it.

It had been eleven years since you first met, eight years since you had disappeared without a single trace and Sakusa is stuck with some third-rate look alike for relief. Every time they fucked, it was always from behind. Hideyo thinks it’s just his preference but in reality, it was because her back had such strong resemblance to you and he’d imagine every time that it was you.

He misses the roughness, the high, the erotica. 

The only things you could provide.

It was never enough, it was only you, you, and you.

“...Have you decided what flavor you wanted? Komori-san mentioned that you liked vanilla.” his fiancé meekly says.

Hideyo was boring.

Sometimes he wonders if he’s just doing this because he has never seen someone closely resembling you, “Anything would be fine.” He replied in a clipped tone. As the car comes to a halt for a moment because of a large truck backing from a driveway, his attention shifted towards a young boy bouncing a volleyball against the pavement outside his window. There are scratches on his knee cap yet the boy had a blank look on his face, he was sort of reminded of himself when he was younger.

As he was about to look away, he sees a woman approach the young boy and bends down to his level to check the scratches.

The woman’s small figure isn’t even the least bit familiar yet his attention can’t seem to go away. He watches her tuck the strand of stray hair and he finally gets a good look and it feels like the world stops turning at how the woman scarily resembles you. Albeit the figure was smaller and the hair was another color and unevenly chopped short.

It was no mistake.

“Y/N.” He mumbles yet as he’s about to open the door, the car starts to move. Kiyoomi’s fist tightens as he uncharacteristically yells at the driver to stop the car, Hideyo jumps on the seat and before she could say anything else, the business mongrel is out of the car, running to where you stood.

Yet just like a ghost, you were gone and so was the little boy who had oddly resembled him.

These days you had even a harder time sleeping. Maybe it was because there was a little leak on the ceiling, or better yet, maybe it was because the heater wasn’t working, or maybe it was because you were at a new place which made it harder to adjust.

You sat at the side with your expense book on hand, your gaze on his son who was peacefully asleep. Tobio was growing older soon and he needed to settle down at one place for high school and college. A part of yourself ventured deep and dark in your mind, the thought of leaving him at an orphanage seemed better now.

He had a fake last name anyways, the bastard wouldn’t be able to find him. 

You’d be doing this boy a favor since you never saw him as your kid and he’d be away from his very messy world.

Your thoughts are immediately disrupted when you hear a brief knock on the door. This made you tense up, it was late, Why would there be a need for visitors? Your son is quick to be awoken by the second knock and you immediately press your hand on his mouth and while your other finger is on your lips to signal him to keep quiet.

Another knock.

Tobio looks worried, it wasn’t his first time to see an episode from you but this time, something feels different. You're shaking more and you look like you’re about to pass out any moment. “Stay quiet.” you mouth as you crawl towards the door and press your ear on it to confirm who was on the other side, too afraid to even take a peak on the window.

Silence.

The only sound that could be heard was your thumping heart, Tobio had voluntarily placed a hand on his mouth to keep himself quiet.

Another knock.

You shut your eyes tight, praying to whatever god out there for this person to leave.

“...I don’t think anyone lives here.” You hear someone say on the other side, the voice sounded so familiar but you just couldn’t pinpoint who it was, this wasn’t Sakusa for sure,  “Are you sure that the information was right?”

Silence again.

“Hm.” The person hummed, knocking again, “Well, this place seems like a dead end. The landlady said that she’s not familiar with the tenants here so we could be wrong…”

The voice started to decrease and you feel yourself slowly starting to breathe easier. Tobio slowly put down his hand and there you saw it, the fear on his eyes. You breathe in and out, calming yourself, this place isn't safe anymore, “Tobio, take your bags. We’re leaving.” you only say.

You don’t even hesitate to leave despite it being the middle of the night.

Tobio is right in front of you as you go down your small apartment and you think everything is well, you really do yet luck didn’t seem to be on your side that night.

“...Y/N?”

A dreadfully familiar voice calls out, didn’t they leave? Why? why was he here?

“O-Okaasan.” Tobio mumbles, grabbing your hand and hiding behind you.

Your head hurts, you wanted to just be selfish and leave Tobio here with this man, his father, the wretched, vile creature who had betrayed you. You wanted to run.

You didn’t feel safe.

Sakusa Kiyoomi didn’t make you feel safe.

“Y/N…” He repeats, slowly approaching you, “It’s me, bunny.”

Oh, how you hated that pet name. It sounded like you were his plaything, like you could never escape from his set-up. Before you could say anything else, he invades your personal space once again and envelopes you in a very,very tight hug.

“I’ve missed you so, so much.” He whispers on your ear and your shivering, not from pleasure but from fear, “Shh, it’s alright. I found you. It must’ve been hard to be alone out here.”

Get away.

Get away.

“Get the fuck away from me.” You yell, pushing him off of you as you stagger away from him. Tobio remains behind you, completely shaking.

“Now, Y/N-” he tries to shush you, “We should go home now, you’ve spent so much time away from me but I understand, you were probably just scared to tell me you were pregnant, right?” 

He cups the right side of your face and places a chaste kiss on your temple, tears are threatening to spill as you realize that this was all over. You couldn’t escape now, this lunatic wouldn’t let you have at it.

The soft and plush bed is completely foreign to your back, Kiyoomi had you separated from Tobio because apparently you were still too ‘unstable’. It made you mentally scoff, between the both of you, he was the unstable one.

You wondered if they started to feed the small boy lies about you, Kiyoomi definitely milked it out to the press for sure. When he had found you, not only were your friends and family in a frenzy, the media was having a field day too. He had broken off the engagement and he used your ‘mental illness’ card on them and it worked.

Another story was weaved on papers, a love that transcended through time.

You let out a low sardonic laugh.

Mental Illness, you wondered if this could be a ploy for a suicide. After all, you’d rather be face first on the pavement than stay here with a son about to be fed on lies and a crazy bastard who sleeps next to you at night.

You stare out your window, the curtains were drawn as you looked at the free birds.

How envious.

“Y/N?” Kiyoomi comes in, a food tray in hand, “It’s time for dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Y/N it’s been two days, all you ate was an apple-”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Y/N, our son-”

“He was never my son.” You harshly snapback, your voice sharp, “He’s yours through and through, a fucking incarnate of you and a curse. He’s not mine. He never will be.”

You suddenly feel the presence of the small boy behind the door and there stands his boy, staring right at your eyes yet you feel nothing for him. You never felt anything for him. The moment they placed him on your arms to nurse, there was no joy nor light.

All he brought was a painful reminder.

Kiyoomi places the tray to the side and closes the door behind him, Tobio’s blank gaze still on you, “...Those aren’t words a child is supposed to hear, Y/N. Especially ours…” he inches closer and you clench your fist tightly and he places his hand on your neck and lightly holds it. 

You aren’t scared of him anymore, the nicest thing this guy could do was kill you, really.

“Maybe we should have a girl this time, hm?” his hand trails upwards to softly caress the side of your face.

You’re immediately frozen by his sudden choice of words, no, no-

“Maybe you’ll learn to love Tobio even more when you’re pregnant with another of mine-” before he could finish what he was about to say, you raise a hand and slap him right at his face, it must’ve been hard since it left a mark, “Ah, Y/N. I didn’t know you still liked it rough-”

“D-Don’t, I-I can’t get pregnant.” You're shaking this time as you try to come up with a lie, “I-I can’t…”

“Oh?” He tilts his head, “Why not?”

“I’ll die.” You lied, “When I had Tobio I almost died, my body couldn’t handle it. T-The doctor had said that if I were to have another, I’d die…”

The lie didn’t save you that moment, really. He has become an expert at detecting your lies so instead of a reply, he harshly places his lips on yours and despite protests, he just pins you down.

He’s harsh on you that night, spilling and stuffing you with his cum, whispering that you’ll have it all and that you’d be his everything but all you could do was let a small hiccup escape your lips as you tried to hold back your cries.

‘Someone, anyone, please.’ you pleaded internally.

You don’t see Tobio until a week later, the boy has grown a tad bit chubbier and is adorned with expensive clothes. Sakusa, on the other hand, has been force-feeding you to the point where you threw up right after meals (secretly, of course) 

You sit down at the couch as your son blinks at you, “...I’m sorry.” He breaks the silence and you shut your eyes tight as you recalled the harsh words he heard last week.

“I’m sorry too, Tobio.” you could only reply because genuinely, you did feel like you went too far this time. He didn’t choose to be born, a part of you should’ve saved him the misery and left him at the orphanage that time, “Do you hate me?” you ask.

“No.”

“You should.” You say quietly, “You should hate your otosan too.”

Tobio remains quiet at your words.

“When you grow older, don’t end up like him. don’t end up like us. forget us when you have the chance.”

“Okay.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

“Good and If you ever get the chance to leave, promise me that you get out and don’t look back.”

Tobio may have been eight years old that time but he knows fear when he sees it and he knows promises aren’t meant to be broken. He remembers those words well because it was the last long conversation he has with you. 

The month of December rolls by and it’s cold, you’ve given up fighting back at this point. Your glassy eyes are directed to the window, not even wanting to look down at your bulging stomach. Kiyoomi doesn’t even need to tell you twice to not leave the house, you decide upon yourself to just stay at your room on bed the whole time.

You wonder, just how high is it from up here? Would it hurt?

“Y/N?” a dreadful voice calls out.

“Hm.” 

“You haven’t gone out of our room in two months. You haven’t even seen Tobio.” Sakusa points out, you were like a obedient doll now. So lifeless, so still, you wished he’d discard you already.

“I might say something again, I don’t want to bother.” You replied truthfully, gaze still avoiding his.

The raven-haired man starts to caress your plump face, you had grown chubbier since the beginning of your pregnancy, he couldn’t be anymore happier to finally be there for you.

This was perfect.

You were finally his.

You weren’t letting go.

“...Don’t you ever regret it?” You finally ask, turning to him, your blank eyes staring at his rather deranged ones, the eyes that you once loved was now just a reminder of your resentful life.

“Which one?” He asks, inching in closer to kiss your neck, your collarbone. You let out a meek sigh as you shut your eyes and internally prayed for this to be over quickly as he removes your ribbon that held your flimsy nightgown together.

“You killed people.” You uttered, “Took my life away, don’t you regret it?”

“Why would I?”

Right, how could a monster like him have such empathy? You feel his cold fingers brush against your folds, trying to stimulate it.

Everything except your body screamed no but you were just too powerless now. You wondered, how could you even end this all? Was jumping out the window the only solution now?

“...Right...” You let out a soft painful moan as he dips his finger inside. You’re under the idea that despite this happening countless of times, you’re body would be numb to it all yet each time it happens, it pains you even more,  “You even had to kill your ex-fiancé’s father for us to get married.”

You had come to realize just how deep his obsession was, the man was willing to kill to anyone who got in the way of your ‘love’. You remembered finding out about your ex-chief one night, about how he had chopped off his fingers and left him to bleed dry in the alleyway for the rats to feast on.

You remembered when a news came up that his supposedly future-father-in-law had died in a violent explosion during breakfast time and how he was nonchalant about it.

“...It’s all for you, Y/N.” He implores as he kissed your thighs and continue to stimulate your now wet folds, “All for you, Tobio, and my new little girl.”

“You’re sick.”

“Mhm. You smell good, I should continue using the soap from awhile ago when I clean you, right?” he hummed, ignoring what you had just said as he dipped his head in and take a kitten lick on your sex. You let out a small cry as your body betrayed you.

Your prayers for today are unheard yet again.

“...Y/N, you barely come out of your room these days.” Komori exclaimed, it turns out the visitor from last time who knocked on your door was him and as much as you wanted to knock his teeth out, you decide not to because you don’t see the point in doing violence these days.

“I’m tired.”

“Yeah, pregnancy does take a toll on your body.” He nods in agreement, it seemed like this was a casual thing for him, like you just weren’t repeatedly rape or mentally abused by his cousin, “Tobio certainly takes after his father, don’t you think?”

Your blood runs cold at the mention of the little boy, you had small hope for him either ways so you didn’t exactly cared for him anymore.

“I suppose so.” 

“You’ve gotten boring these days, Y/N.” Komori plainly pointed out, “It’s a wonder how my cousin gets to stick around ya. No offense.”

“None taken.”

Komori’s eyes narrowed at your hollowed response, you were so ungrateful. Here his cousin was, treating you with such delicateness and with all the attention that the other women wanted but you looked anything but happy about it.

If this was Hideko, she’d be elated.

But no, he had to be stuck with an ungrateful pompous bitch like you.

“How high up are we, Komori-san?” you suddenly ask.

He blinks at the rather weird question, “Fifty floors.”

“Hm.” You hummed, “That certainly is high.”

Komori would regret answering that question very soon though.

When the winter dawned upon a new year and you finally snap, you decide to answer your own prayers and opt to salvage yourself from this madness and cruelty once and for all.

Sakusa Tobio is nine years old when you, his mother, six months pregnant, jumped out the bedroom window from a fifty-foot story building two months into the new year. Your face is flat on the pavement and completely unrecognizable, the last conversation you both had replays on his head like a broken record through the years and only when he’s old enough that he realizes that he was no one’s son. 

His okaasan didn’t loved him nor did he want to be associated with his father for all he did was bring pain and disgust.

The boy is eighteen, fresh out of the academy, right in front of his baby sister’s and your mausoleum. He makes it a habit to visit you both a day before your death anniversary,  not wanting to be in the same room as his father yet this year he makes an exception.

Recently, he had turned over some evidence and his own testimony about what his father had been doing. Everything, from illegal works to the people he killed to your tragic end. It’s enough to file a case and have him set to jail for life, even his fancy lawyers couldn’t defend him. 

His lips sting because his Uncle Komori had punched him in the face and called him an ungrateful bastard like you but it was alright.

It was all over.

He plans to change his name back to Kageyama Tobio (the haux name you had given him when you were on the run) right after all the fiasco, it’s a kind name and the first name you had given him, he likes to think that this was also a gift from you that time, a new beginning straying away from you and his father's cruel ties. He had also felt that it was too unkind for him to use your last name despite his grandparents' persistence (he was after all, conceived through forceful means).

And although he wanted to hate you for those words you said that time when he was eight. He couldn’t really bring himself to after hearing what you had to go through, you were a victim. He couldn’t dare imagine what his father did to you during the last few months leading to your death.

Yet, right now. It was finished.

You could rest now.

“I did it, Y/N-san.” He mumbles as he bows down. As he got older, he has also foregone the idea of calling you by the name you loathed and shriveled away from, “I got out and I didn’t look back. Thank you for everything.”

Kageyama Tobio never visits you right after again, as promised.