#i don’t even mean it as an insult it’s still the beginning of the movie it’s too early to be hating i’m still in the giving it a chance era

[livvyofthelake]

i’m sorry. this is the most boring movie i’ve ever seen in my life i cannot finish it tonight…

[casewonnie]

For books and all - Park Sunghoon

Pairing: Park Sunghoon x fem!reader

Summary: the day arrives where one of your favorite book series gets another part of the series and you can't wait to go and get a copy. little did you know it wouldn't be as easy as you think

Genre: dislike to friends, fluff, attempt at humor, chaotic?, talk of books, i dont know how to promote this it came to me in a vision

Warnings: none really, nothing explicit just mild swearing, oh and nonsensical insults, i am cringe but i am free, sunghoon is weird, y/n is weird, both of them have mild anger issues, sunoo is sassy, he also gets dragged and tickled, all of enha are here of course <3 i put the hunger games as the chosen book but you can imagine whatever

Word count: 5.2k

a/n: Hello! First of all, my writing debut wow. Second, thank you for being here and choosing to read my au. I decided to get back into writing, and this is my first ever fic that I finish and actually leaves the vault. I didn't know how to do the text messages so I just left them. If it sucks I apologise it was not beta-read, english is not my first language and I haven't written in a while but I really hope it's not too bad. I also didn't proof read the whole thing. I'm kind of scared to post this.

Sunghoon being chosen for this random prompt was purely based on the fact that I would love to fight him (affectionately, positively)

Any constructive criticism or praise is greatly appreciated. I love interactions.

ENOUGH WITH THE YAP LET'S BEGIN

>The day before the incident<

“Do you know who I love the most?” Niki, the youngest of Sunghoon’s friend group barged in his room all smiles and bright energy. 

“How’d you get in, the apartment was locked.” Sunghoon lived with the rest of his friend group who were currently out and about with him enjoying the peace and quiet, well, up until a minute ago... As the youngest, Niki was still living with his family but he stayed over and hung out with them more times than he can count. This wasn’t a complaint, they all loved him like their own little brother, what concerned him is that he was fairly certain Niki didn’t have a spare key to the apartment and the door was definitely locked, so he had no idea how he got in. 

“You! I love you the most! Also, don’t worry about it I have my ways.” Niki dismissed him like he asked a banal question. 

“That is terrifying?” he replied. 

“Anyways, my dear Hoonie, do you know how much I appreciate and look up to you as an older brother?” oh no. Niki was a sweet and thoughtful kid, wrapped in like a... dark, emo-looking exterior that wasn’t fooling anyone, but when he was this sweet, it usually meant he wanted something... “Okay now I’m really scared. You’re not gonna make me like, do something illegal... are you?” 

Niki let out a laugh. “Don't be ridiculous... I just need a favor.” he assured him. “So... you know the hunger games, right?” 

“You mean one of the most famous book series and movie franchise? Yeah, I’m familiar.” Sunghoon deadpanned. 

“The newest book comes out tomorrow, and I need you to go to the store and get me a copy. I have the money and everything I just can’t go because I have a class in the morning. I asked the others but Heeseung and Jake apparently had some math project to finish and Jungwon said he was supposed to go to a... dora the explorer convention...”  

Sunghoon scrunched his face in confusion, not even wanting to comment on that last one, and then he realized something. “Wait, wait, wait a second... I wasn’t the first person you asked, not even second, but fourth!? What’s up with that?” 

“Oh, well umm, I just didn’t think you’d be up for it that’s all.” Niki didn’t think it would be a big deal to Sunghoon but seems like he was wrong. 

“Of course I’m up for it! I’m wayy up... I’m flying with the birds! I’ve basically turned into a satellite.” Sunghoon tried not to sound offended by his friends’ statement but it may not sound as convincing as he thought. “Whatever!”  

Niki hadn’t said a word, he just kind of stood there with his hand on his mouth, slightly frozen as if his friend would turn him into a shish kebab if he moved. 

Sunghoon got up from where he was laying on his bed to stand in front of Niki, he put his hands on the others’ shoulders and looked him in the eyes, Niki tilting his head backwards now, wondering what he got himself into. “Don’t you worry about a damn thing! I’ll make sure I get you that book. Even if it’s the last thing I do.” he finished the last sentence by shaking the other man back and forth. “I’ll go get it right now!” 

Sunghoon let go and sprinted out of the room as fast as he could, Niki snapped out of the weird trance and realized what was happening. “Sunghoon where are you going?! The book comes out tomorrow!” he ran after him out of the apartment and into the hallway but couldn’t see his friend. “I haven’t even shown you how the book looks like!” he tried but just ended up yelling into an empty hallway. 

“Man, what the hell...” he whispered to himself lightly rubbing the back of his head, huffed and put his hands on his hips awkwardly. “He’s so odd.” he said and went back inside.

>Day of the incident<

This was it. Today was the big day. You have been anticipating this for almost a year and in just a few hours you will get your hands on what would be your most prized possession, because later today comes out the second prequel to one of your favorite book series. You haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since the news came out, and you even decided to re-read all the previous books and rewatch all the movies. You made a whole event out of it and watched the movies together with your friends Sunoo and Jay, who were big fans as well, maybe not on the same level as you... you had the tendency to get a little too obsessed with certain things... but hey, at least they were supportive. Anyways, the whole thing made you even more excited for the release, which is why you were currently sweating out of your eyeballs trying to think of anything else that will calm you down. 

“Oh god I really need to relax.” you said to yourself out loud, even though you were currently alone in your room because to your disdain, both your roommates had their respective uni classes that morning. Wondering if you should text the group chat anyway, not wanting to bother them, you made yourself some food, got a glass of water and sat down to eat before you started getting ready and decided to message your friends. 

>text messages<

Y/N: GUYS... IM REALLY NERVOUS PLS HELP ME 

Y/N: ignore this if you’re in class 

Jay: Is this about the book that comes out later 

Jay: Also we have like an hour break rn 

Sunoo: oh my god get a LIFE 

Y/N: WHAT THE FUCK SUNOO 

Y/N: and yes my dearest and only friend jay... it is 

Jay: It’s going to be fine don’t worry about it! You’ll get a copy 

Sunoo: this is what having only two friends does to you 

Y/N: STOPPP WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU 

Y/N: yk what i see how it is 

Jay: Hey come on now you two 

Jay: Let’s all love each other <3 

Y/N: Sunoo you’ve just lost all your privileges and are now demoted to “some guy i live with”. from now on you may refer me to Miss Awesome-Sauce or M’lady 

Sunoo: NEVER say awesome sauce again 

Jay: You should’ve gone with pumpkin spice 

Y/N: what? 

Sunoo: and also what privileges lmaoooo 

Sunoo: if its your weekly concerts then im not really at a loss am i 

Y/N: im revoking your... “can i borrow the book” privilege :) 

Y/N: *mic drop* 

Jay: GASP 

Jay: oh no she didn’t 

Sunoo: .... 

Sunoo: Listen... 

Sunoo: My dear, lovely Y/N, my best friend, light of my life, the moon to my sun 

Sunoo: the palm to my tree 

Sunoo: the swimming to my pool 

Jay: I have never heard anyone say those... 

Sunoo: the lip to my stick 

Jay: HELLO???”@#@$% 

Y/N: I feel uncomfortable... 

Sunoo: I have made a grave mistake and from now on I’ll think about my words and how they can affect people. I will take time off of social media to deeply reflect on myself. 

Sunoo: *sends a selfie* 

Sunoo: Me self-reflecting 

Jay: NOT THE LEE MINHO REF 

Y/N: omg who is this DIVA  

Y/N: okay you’re forgiven but only because you’re cute 

Sunoo: I know <3  

>end of text messages<

You turned off your phone now that you’ve calmed down a bit due to you and your friends’ goofy antics. You looked at the clock and realized you had just over 3 hours to properly get ready, catch the bus to go to your nearest bookstore and be there at least 30 minutes before they stock up on the books.  You haven’t done math this much since graduating high school. The next question was what to wear.... I mean it was kind of a special occasion, right? If you could say that. Man, maybe Sunoo was right, you did need to make more friends... Whatever! Now was not the time for that. 

You got ready and got to the bus station 10 minutes early just in case. The ride there was calm with no incidents with you listening to your playlist with songs you loved lately. It was just before 10:30am when you arrived but when you got to the bookstore it was surprisingly... empty. Too empty. Something was wrong.  

Never in your life have you seen the bookstore so free of life before, with a just a couple of customers roaming around. You looked around for the table with new releases and just as you saw it you noticed that, that too... was free of books... umm... okay so they might just have not taken them out yet, that must be it. You asked the bookseller at the cash register and she kindly informed you that the book was in fact, ahem... sold out. 

Your jaw dropped. “There’s no way, you must have some copies left.” you had to make sure you understood right and that this wasn’t a case of miscommunication. “I’m so sorry, we had to open an hour early today and everyone just got here after that. It sold out in like 20 minutes.” the cashier spoke with a little smile, her eyebrows scrunched as if she was looking at a hurt puppy. 

“Can you please check your stock again? Or if I can make an early order if you receive a new batch soon?” you tried the only thing you can think of. Luckily the lady was nice and let you leave your phone number, marked down your order and told you she’ll give you a call if they have a copy left or get new ones. 

“Thank you so much!” oh dear, that wasn’t your plan in the slightest. It’s alright though! You weren’t going to lose hope but you still wanted to search the store just in case there was another copy on the loose, maybe it was hidden somewhere, misplaced, mixed up with the others, in another genre section, you get it. 

Looking thoroughly on the shelves where it could be sorted by genre was to no avail, so the only option left was to roam around and quite possibly stumble upon it, I mean if it’s meant to be it will find you. Something about not chasing but attracting it instead. Yeah, that could work, delusion was the best motivator in this case.  

You got to the “thriller” section just as you noticed a book on one of the shelves, well you saw the spine to be exact, with a similar color scheme to the one you were searching for and gasped. Okay Y/N, calm down, maybe it’s not that one, don’t get your hopes up too high now, was your initial thought, but as you got closer to it, the book became all the more familiar. Could this really be it? Huh, maybe you weren’t surrounded by misfortunes and the universe granted you a lucky break. It took everything in you not to scream out loud or jump around in excitement but instead you walked normally to the shelf, the second you grabbed the lower half of the book to pull it, another hand landed on the top half of it. Oh you must be joking right now...  

You turned to the stranger who was trying to get between you and the most important thing in your life right now, a fictional world... still important nonetheless. It surprised you to see that the person next to you was probably the most handsome man you’ve ever laid your eyes upon. He looked like he was your age and was fairly taller than you, with jet black hair, dressed in casual clothes and a face that could launch fifty spaceships into the orbit. Okay you didn’t really know how to explain it but the point still stands. He had a few moles on his face, the prettiest eyes and eyebrows that seemed like they were drawn by a single stroke of an artists’ brush, which made him even more gorgeous. If that was possible. 

“Hi there.” he spoke after a few seconds. 

“Hello.” you replied confidently not wanting to back down even a bit because realistically, you knew what was about to go down. “Looks like we reached for the same book.” you added. 

“Yeah, seems so.” he answered cockily both of your hands tightly holding the book, you could tell he was a stubborn one and it pissed you off, this was not going to be easy... 

“Are you sure you aren’t lost? The self-help section is over by the entrance.” you tried to rile him up and pointed in the direction behind him but he didn’t even blink. Instead, he just turned fully in your direction, hand still firmly on the book. 

“Nope. This is the book I was looking for.” you were expecting a snarky comeback that never came and instead he got closer, towering over you just enough for you to feel a teeny-tiny bit intimated. “This is the only copy left and I’m not leaving this store without it darling.” his voice was sweet and tender but his words weren’t. You narrowed your eyes at him. 

“Your bogus charm won’t work on me.” as if you’d let a man deceive you with such cheap tricks. You sighed. “Alright, how about this. We both put the book on that table over there...” you pointed to the small seating area behind you, near the windows “...and then we have a calm, rational talk on who should have it, okay? What’s your name?” 

The guy studied you for a bit, unsure on whether he should trust you or not. After a moment he released a long breath and let go of the book, you pulled it out of its place on the shelf, got over to the table and placed it down. “It’s Sunghoon by the way.” he said quietly. 

“What?”  

“My name. It’s Sunghoon.” he repeated. 

“Oh.” pretty name, you thought. “I’m Y/N.” it was only fair to let him know yours too. 

“So... how will we decide this?” he continued the conversation. You thought about it but nothing really came to mind. “Umm… maybe we could list of our reasons and whoever has a better reason wins?” 

Sunghoon opened his mouth in an attempt to speak but you interrupted him instead. “I’ll start first,” you said without letting him have a word in, you did him dirty but this was not the time to play nice. Your life depended on it, or more like... a couple of hours of enjoyment. 

“My reason is that I really like the series and want to read it.” you continued. 

“Right. Well, I promised a dear friend of mine that I’ll get it for him because he couldn’t come.” damn him, that was an infinitely better reason, why did he have to be so selfless. 

“How do I know you’re not lying? I mean at least I gave an honest reason.” you didn’t know why you just said that but in all honestly it was the only way you could’ve stalled this until, well... whatever you planned to do, but you had to think of something first. 

“Are you kidding me?” you could tell he was getting more annoyed by the minute and you decided to push it further. God why were you like this. 

“I mean… I just want to make sure we’re both being a hundred percent transparent with each other. Is there even a “friend” you’re helping?” oh yeah he definitely bought that. 

“Oh, I see what you’re doing. Your reason sucked compared to mine so now you’re just trying to slither your way through an excuse. Well it’s not going to work, so you can stop with the air quotes.” Sunghoon was getting really tired of your shit and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna go down without a fight. 

“Slither my way through? What does that even mean?! And my reason doesn’t suck. It's just as valid as yours but I'm making sure the copy is not going to waste and that your “friend" actually appreciates the story.” maybe it would’ve been a better idea to be more... civil, but something about him made you want to keep pushing his buttons and he was no better either so you didn’t really feel guilty. 

“Hey! My best friend Niki, who is very much real, has been a fan of this series since the first book came out, so this copy is basically his birth right and there’s no way I’ll let some sea urchin have it!” Sunghoon was, let’s say a bit surprised at his own tone, he wasn’t the type of person to just have beef with random strangers over silly things, but I guess he was just feeling protective over Niki and wanted to win this for him. 

“A... a sea urchin?! How dare you, you... potato peeler...” way to call someone names. 

Sunghoon gasped as he clutched his chest.  

“I’ve been a fan for a whole YEAR, your friends’ love for it has been on stand-by, okay? Mine is fresh in my memory and if I don’t read that book immediately, I’m going to explode.” You emphasized with your hands.  

“Well gosh darn that’s just awful, what will the world do without a life ruining angry kitten like you.” he crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. 

“Oh real funny Mr. Probably wears coats all the time.” in your defense he did seem like a coat guy. 

“Wow you got me... I’m so embarrassed, you carrot muffin.” yeah let’s go with that, he thought. 

“What did you just call me?!”   

“You heard me!” 

“Screw you, pencil biter!”  you were starting to get sick of this pointless “battle” so it was the best you could come up with. 

“Bet you like plain pasta, don’t you?” he put his hands on his hips. 

Sunghoon scoffed but then noticed the way your face sank at the last “insult”. There’s no way you actually got offended from that, is there? Maybe it was a touchy subject for you... dang it, how could he have been so stupid. What was going on with him today, this whole thing was so stupid, he didn't actually want to offend you... aaand great now he felt bad... 

“Hey look, I’m sorry, I didn’t actually mean what I said, it’s just the first thing that popped into my mind. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” you were standing very still while awkwardly fiddling with your hands looking anywhere but at him and frankly, he didn’t know what else to do.  

“It’s not like I always eat it plain, you know.” you spoke softly and sighed. “My friends make fun of me for it so it’s a bit of a touchy subject but...it’s just so good! If you make it right, cook it for long enough and then... leave a bit of the uhh... left-over pasta flavored water. It’s amazing.” you were scrambling for words which at this point made it 10 times weirder than it was. 

Sunghoon nodded while listening intently. “I know, I know. Forget your friends, you eat pasta however you want to! Don’t let anyone tell you it’s wrong, okay? If you want to eat it plain then do that, who cares...” you still had your head down and after some internal debating and awkward back and forth hand movement, Sunghoon reached his hand and pat your head a few times with a soft “There, there. It’ll be okay.” 

You feel like your eyes bulged out of the pop sockets from the shock of feeling his hand on your head. Was he... comforting you? Never mind the weird air around you both and the weight of his gaze on you, it was... warm and tender. 

In Sunghoon’s case however, he didn’t know what he was saying nor why he just patted you head but at this point he would’ve done anything to stop you from sulking and bring back that insane fiery energy of yours from before and... wait a minute. Why was he thinking all this and why did he even care? Oh god he was going mad... he hadn’t thought any of this trough.  

At that moment, you slowly raised your head and looked at him with a small smile on your face, thanked him and... okay he was definitely going insane because he just found you so cute, he felt like a butterfly gave birth to a million small butterflies in his stomach...or was it the gut? Either way, this was not good, he needed to get his head out of the clouds and remember what his objective was.  

“Okay! Enough with the dilly-dallying!” you exclaimed, stopping his train of thought but the complete 180 change from arguing to whatever the other thing was to arguing again was going to give him a migraine.  

“We need to settle this once and for all. And I’m afraid there’s only one way to do it...”  

Sunghoon nodded. “A sword fight!” he declared. 

You stopped for a second to scowl at him. “What? No. Where would we find swords, although I would love that, it always seemed really fun on tv. I was thinking more of like rock, paper, scissors?” 

“Okay, yeah, that’s way more doable.” he straightened his posture and squeezed his hand into a fist “Let’s settle this once and for all.” 

“Ready? Rock, paper, scissors, sho-” 

“Excuse me?...” Before you were able to throw the hand signs, a lady came up to you. “May I ask if you need any help, is there a specific book you’re looking for? Maybe I can help you look for it?” she had a nametag on her shirt and you could make out a small ‘Louise’ so you figured she was one of the store sellers. 

Sunghoon spoke first “Oh no ma’am. Thank you very much for offering, but we were just about to decide who gets to have this book...” He turned to show the book where they last left it on the table next to them, only to realize it wasn’t there. Both of their jaws dropped in disbelief. 

“It’s... gone.” You looked up right at the register as another girl about their age was checking out, the same book she had in her hands just a few minutes ago... The girl turned away from the counter, now with the book in a tiny bag heading towards the exit. As she opened the door, she turned back to them and gave them a snarky smile and wriggled her fingers in a wave and exited the store. 

“Oh, that little...” You were about to head in her direction but Sunghoon grabbed your shoulders and stopped you from doing something stupid. 

“Alright~ Let’s calm down a bit. She already bought it, there’s nothing you can do. We should’ve paid more attention to our surroundings. It’s over let’s just leave it.” 

“You’re right. How are you more clear-headed than me? It’s odd.” 

“I have my strong points.” he flashed a grin in your direction and you froze for a second. Wow his smile was so... gorgeous. How can someone be this good looking... it wasn’t fair to anyone. You turned to the woman before she witnessed any more stupid shenanigans, thanked her and exited the store with Sunghoon following behind. 

“Hey, can we both agree that this entire morning and everything that happened in there was genuinely insane and definitely not something we should be fighting over?” you said once you were both out on the sidewalk. The sun was peeking out through some clouds so it was still quite cold, the streets were busy with cars and people going on about their day. 

“Yeah, I mean, it does seem quite silly now, doesn’t it?” he laughed, leaving a big goofy grin on his face. “I guess this means we’re friends now?” he added, looking at you with anticipation. Well that was new, you weren’t expecting that, especially not from him but hey, what the hell. 

“I guess so.” you nodded, smiling back at him and extended your hand for a handshake which he gladly accepted and shook it with his own. 

It got quiet and after a few seconds you asked “So... what do we do now?” 

“Umm...” he answered which gave you the impression that he probably didn’t know either “If you want, we can go hangout at my apartment, it’s close by, maybe we can have some of that plain pasta. And don’t worry I have roommates and you can invite your friends over. Niki will be there because, one, I want you to know that he’s real” you rolled your eyes “and two, since he’s a big fan of the series you’ll probably get along well.”  

NEVER go to a complete strangers house or invite one over, stay safe please <3 

“Okay. Yeah sure, why not. I’ll call my friends we can go together once they get here.” you knew their class had already ended so you texted Sunoo and Jay to come to a nearby cafe since you made plans with Sunghoon to wait for them there and chat in the meantime until you headed to the original hang-out location. 

When the four of you got there you got greeted by 3 of Sunghoon friends which you found out were Jungwon, Jake and Niki who, to your surprise ended up being very real and for the next 5 minutes you didn’t hear the end of it from Sunghoon, meaning you were bombarded with a bunch of attacks like “See? I told you he exists.” or “I can’t believe you’d think I’d lie about having friends, how low do you think of me?” to which your answers were either intense eye rolls or random outbursts of “Okay! I get it! Stop bothering me!” 

Once you filled everyone in on your...disagreement and everything from the moment you and Sunghoon met that led to you becoming friends of some sort, which to be fair, was very silly everyone fell into a comfortable small talk, slowly getting to know each other. 

Sunghoon was right about you getting along with the youngest, about whom you found out later on, that Niki was just a combination of his last and first name and his actual name was Riki. Your main topics of conversations being, of course, the hunger games but also the pain of not managing to get your hands on a copy of the newest book. Call that a tragic inconvenience bonding. 

Jay and Sunoo seemed to be getting along well with the others considering that for the past 15 minutes Jungwon explained, in great detail, all about his time at the dora the explorer convention and then dragged off Sunoo into the kitchen to show him his favorite episodes of the show. Jay bonded with Sunghoon and Jake over all three of them being born in the same year, called it fate that they met and something about soulmatism or whatever... they ended up putting their birth times into an astrology calculator to see if they, in Jake’s words, “match each other's freak”. 

As Niki stood up from the couch and into the kitchen with Sunoo and Jungwon, the space next to Y/N was free for just a few seconds before Sunghoon decided to take it up. 

“So...I think everything is going well. Heesung said he’d be back soon, said he was on some side quest. Are you having fun?” he asked expectantly. 

“Yeah, your friends are really cool, I really like them. And I’m glad the guys are getting along.” a high-pitched scream came from the kitchen the moment you said that, both your heads turning in the direction of the scream just in time to see Sunoo getting dragged by both Niki and Jungwon, followed by a bunch of cackles. You could see them trying to tickle Sunoo which forced him to get on the floor in an armadillo position, a surprised expression landing on your face. 

“Will he be okay or should I intervene?” Sunghoon asked, voice drowned in concern.  

“Oh don’t worry about Sunoo, he may not look like it but he can fend for himself if he wants to.” you said dismissively and Sunghoon mumbled an “alright then”, still a bit worried because he knew how his friends could be, but listened to you anyway. 

“You know, I’m kind of glad all the books were sold out, otherwise we might’ve never met. I got to be honest, you’re completely insane but it’s been a while since I’ve gotten into an argument with a stranger over a banal reason. It was honestly refreshing.” Sunghoon’s rambling was honestly so cute you didn’t even mind he called you crazy, and by the way he said it so excitedly and joyfully, you were sure he meant that as a compliment, and you didn’t mind it. 

“Aww, thanks. I think you’re pretty insane too, if it’s under any consolation.” the two of you fell into a bit of small talk, giggling and laughing over something the other one has said, getting along quite well, that is until Heeseung showed up. 

“Guys! I’m back and you’ll never believe what I found.” the guy you guessed was Heeseung, based on the single blurry picture Jungwon showed you, burst into the apartment without a care that, what was once his home, was now a chaos playground full of adult children running around and screaming. “Look what I got at a discount in a random mini market.” both you and Sunghoon stared in disbelief, eyes bulged out and jaws down to the floor as Heeseung pulled out a brand-new copy of the hunger games book you spent the whole morning fighting over. “Oh no.” mumbled Sunoo once he noticed what was happening. 

“It’s mine!” Sunghoon and you burst out simultaneously, turning to look at each other to once again continue your squabble from before your friends arc. The others now going over to Heeseung to see what the fuss was all about before collectively groaning in understanding.  

“Do you think Sunghoon remembers he went to get the book for Niki and not himself?” asked Jake, crossing his arms. 

“I didn’t know it was gonna cause this much drama or I would’ve just stayed silent.” Heeseung put the book back in his bag, now clearly worried about the damage he accidentally caused. 

“Knowing Y/N, she will stop at nothing to win this, since she basically let him off the hook earlier.” Jay joined in. 

“Umm,” Niki began a bit unsure of himself. “Does anyone wanna leave them at it and go get coffee or something?” 

“Sure.” Sunoo said without a second thought.  

“Oh! I know this cafe nearby that just opened up it’s really cute and has a bunch of delicious looking pastries, if you guys are up for it.” suggested Jake, already on his way to put on his shoes and went out on his own. 

“Well I guess we’re going either way. Let’s go everyone, we’ll text them when we get there. I wonder how long it takes them to notice they’ve been abandoned.” Jungwon giggled sneakily pushing the others out the door and closed it, the faint sound of muffled voices still audible from the hallway slowly disappearing as the boys went on with their mission, leaving the two angry penguins to fend for themselves. 

-the end- hope you enjoyed :)

[indieyuugure]

Hi! Let me start off by saying that I absolutely adore your ROTP series. This is also one of the very few Rottmnt/2012 crossovers in existance that does justice to both verses and doesn't put a biases on any. I love this comic.

Now that aside, I need to get something off my chest. I wouldn't have gone on Anon but experience has taught me that opposing opinions will make the followers of a blog insult and harass you so I tend to err on the side of caution. You see, I Love Love Love TMNT. And I love 2012 series, it's something I relate to so much and grew up with. It's my most favorite version of TMNT.

But the thing is, ever since the Rise movie got released, I've been seeing nothing but slander against the 2012 series and it breaks my heart every time I come across it. It has escalated to an unfair point that I've seen even 2012 fans who love it just as much begin hating aspects of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, it does have its flaws but it's unfair how highlighted those select few flaws are to the point of extremely biased comparisons and blame games and general 2012 slander which half the time doesn't even comply with canon. Moreover, literally every TMNT has its flaws just the same.

And recently, I've been seeing an increase in posts on your blog that have 2012 slander undercurrents or simply blatant frustrations with it. I love the comic but keep seeing this hatred still is just... it hurts ya know. Like really actually hurts.

So if possible, can you plz tag such posts with something I can filter out? (And let us know what that tag will be?) You don't have to but I really really love your art and comics, it's just the 2012 slander again that hurts me and I don't want to see it anymore. I've been seeing it everywhere.

Again, plz don't take this the wrong way, it's just something that's been hurting me and I had to get it off my chest. And find a solution to it that doesn't involve blocking or unfollowing because I genuinely do love this fancomic

Thank you for your feedback!!💕 (seriously feedback is extremely appreciated to me!)

I sorry my posts came off as 2012 slander, I really never meant it like that. I will admit I do critique media pretty aggressively, but I never mean it in a hateful way. TMNT 2012 is one of my absolute favorite shows and I love everything about! It’s the weird quirky stuff about it that while yes, I will criticize, I still love. It wouldn’t be the same without it. Just like the weather, I will complain about it, but I don’t want it to actually change.

I will try to be more conscious of how my posts are perceived, I really never wanted there to be a bias on my blog. I love all of TMNT for all it presents, and I don’t want to ever be slanderous!

Thank you again for your kind nudge! I’m very thankful to have people like you who’ll tell me if I’m making a mistake! I truly do love TMNT 2012. I can’t fix what I’ve said, but now that I know, I can be sure to be more careful to not sound biased going forward.

Again, I’m very sorry it came off that way, I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I never want to harm a series’s reputation, especially one that I love so much!

You are truly appreciated!💕

I know this won’t fix the things I’ve said, but I’ll say 3 of my top favorite things about 2012:

I love the way they depicted characters! They do an amazing job using indirect characterization that makes the characters feel so real. The characters don’t have to tell you things about themselves, you learn about them from the way the interact with each other, the way they solve problems, the things they like and dislike, and even what they’re doing in the background! It really feels like you’re there getting to know these fun people and go on adventures with them! Truly amazing!

I love the way the turtles look! Seriously I think they look so cool, and at the same time cute. They’re visual designs inspired me so much in my art and I will watch hours on end of them because they’re just so freaking cool!

I love the way their stories are told! The episodes are so well paced that it never feels boring to watch an episode! Believe it or not, I have never once wondered how many minutes are left on an episode. It’s so good at sucking you in and addicting you, that while I was watching it for the first time, I was straight up binging it and would be forced to put it down by my parents. Several times I would stop to eat something and have that weird “wait, who am I? What is my life?” Thing you get from a really good story. The stories and arc pacing are so good that Indie TMNT, my original series is using massive inspiration from 2012.

Once again, I am truly sorry for coming off as slanderous. Thank you for being so brave and telling me what many people were probably thinking. I want to do better. Thank you! :]

[canyouhearthelight]

Nihilus Rex, Ch. 22: Banking Embers

Okay, so I was so busy patting myself on the back for getting a chapter up that I totally missed that it was the wrong chapter. Insert me smacking myself in the face when @baelpenrose pointed out.

Thankfully everything still applies: a good mix of fluff and machinations, and very much more co-written than beta read. Whew!

When Rome's in ruins

We are the lions

Free of the coliseums

In poisoned places

We are anti-venom

We're the beginning of the end

Tonight

The foxes hunt the hounds

It's all over now

Before it has begun

And we've already won

Fall Out Boy, “Young Volcanoes

Lash

Nils eventually came out of the master suite, carrying a bottle and sniffing it suspiciously. “This isn’t mine.”

I rolled my eyes and held out my hand. “White boy hair oil and brown girl hair don’t necessarily work well together. Thank you, I’ll stick it in my bag. Sorry.”

He snatched it back. “Nope. I like it, it’s staying here. In case you need another shower. Only practical. I’ll buy you another bottle on the way to take you home.” 

I smothered a smile as he padded barefoot back to the bathroom, returning seconds later to take his position on the far end of the couch - at some point, we had established ‘our’ seats, although I couldn’t pinpoint when. But his was on the left, mine was on the right. Everywhere. I shook myself out of my thoughts. “Food is ordered - hope saag paneer and double extra garlic naan is okay. I still can’t stomach the idea of meat at the moment.”

“Sounds perfect.” He leaned back in the couch. “So, what was so nuts about my idea that it beats…whatever movie we were going to watch?” 

“I didn’t say it was nuts, I said it was interesting,” I pointed out. “But to your point. Firstly, I am constantly caught off guard by how hopeful you can be for someone who is so pessimistic.  I don’t mean that as an insult, by the way.  But, secondly… I think it could work if - and only if - we think in the very long term.  Not scales of weeks, months, or years, but we’re talking generations.  Lifetimes.”

“A sunrise we’ll never see?” His tone was pensive. “Or in the sense that it will be an ongoing project whose endpoint will take several lifetimes beyond our own?” 

“In the sense that it may not even be the best idea if we live to see the sun finish setting,” I responded as gently as possible. “Studies show that sustainable, lasting change - good or bad - is done over time to gain momentum.”

“Which has the singular downside that I don’t know that’s time we have.” Nils said, thinking. “Behold the climate. There are places we can challenge capitalist control, and places we can replace it, fairly rapidly. We didn’t do it with debts, no, but we proved it could be done, that the system was weaker than people thought, and we got away clean. A lot of why rapid change is impossible to sustain is that the system is too load bearing, so our first play has to be to prove that we can take those loads away - which has the advantage of making us look like winners and making the powers-that-be look like conquerable fools. How many revolutions fail before they start simply because people don’t try? Because they think the system is invincible?”

I reached out and squeezed his thumb affectionately. “Hey, I agree. Keep in mind, I’m not beating the ‘Go Vote’ drum as the be-all-end-all, here.  We can definitely pull away those theoretically load bearing systems, one at a time, provided we are smart about what they are supposed to be propping up and how much we care if those loads crumble. Case in point, the debt heist we just did.”

The familiar, laughing-at-a-far-away-joke smile played about his lips as he looked at me, eyes focused entirely in the moment. “That’s why we’re partners. Never would have worked as well without you. I wouldn’t be trying this without you.” He reached out and gently squeezed my hand. “We can pick our targets carefully, but at some point we’re going to inspire copycats - and those people should have some means of finding us, so that we can guide them a bit, so they don’t fuck it up.” 

I shook my hair out, thinking.  Reaching back, I started twisting it, looking around and finding a pen to shove through it and keep it balanced. “We honestly aren’t all that sneaky, outside of the fact that we are very openly doing this under online personas that are very much hard to trace back to real people.  But I agree, we need something like a council - proxy real people who copy cats can reach out to when we are asleep or busy.  Like… Bishop, for sure. Weasel is out. Bryce may actually be a good option, though.”

Nils shook his head. “He wasn’t reliable to not steal from you and finish the job. He’ll roll over on us for any reward money in a heartbeat.” 

I pointed at him and winked. “Exactly. Bryce is motivated by money, pure, plain, and simple. We know what to watch out for, and we know how to hack him. Weasel… we can’t pay him in enough of his preferred currency to keep him from turning in half a breath. But Bryce?  Has a gambling addiction, a few hundred thousand in student loans, and parents who are always a hair away from cutting him off. If we can redirect some ill-gotten billionaire funds to keep him from getting killed by loan sharks, he’ll be loyal.”

“Point the first: We just torched a huge swathe of student debt, that was literally my original goal. Gambling addiction though, that’s interesting.” I thought about it. “My issue is that if the FBI offers enough he may take a bigger payday from them. Consider it for now, not a hard no. I like Bishop though. And we’re going to want someone to manage the psychopaths a little more directly, ideally someone who understands…frankly, weapons, tactics, and ideally isn’t a racist psychopath I have to string along with mind games.”

“We’re getting ahead of ourselves,” I suggested, just as the food arrived. “Am I safe to grab that, or should you?”

“I’ll get it.” He got up and headed down to go grab the food at the door. When he got back, he set the food down on the table and set out a plate in front of each of us. “Good call, this stuff smells amazing.”

I smiled. “Thank yew, thank yew. I could eat this every day, mass murder notwithstanding.” I started scooping rice and curry onto my plate before continuing. “So. Yes, we need a council, persons beyond Bishop to be determined. But we also need a figurehead.” With my fork, I pointed at my face vaguely. “Clearly not the person to visibly converse with racists, which are our primary market currently.” I started swirling the tines in his general direction. “However, you? Mr. Rich Boy Who Hates the Rich? Perfect.”

“We have to network with people who will look at my…everything…and know we’re bullshit, though. Ideally, we may want to have two different figureheads, for interacting with different crowds. You for our actual side of things, me for the rowdy and violent crowd? Bear in mind, we’re gonna need actual activists to set up the community shit to take advantage of whatever we do with our pawns.” 

“Activists don’t care what you look like,” I agreed before shoving a chunk of spinach covered cheese in my face and chewing thoughtfully. “But yeah, I can organize the actuals on the back end while you rally the minions in the front.   Right now, front work is going to be our focus.  Did the dead guys have life insurance? Families?”

“Based on chatter? One did. It came up alot.” His tone was unconcerned as he heaped his plate. “Are we thinking hitting life insurance next? For that matter, are we reaching out for a mutual edge? Get payouts for the victims of the fire and the widows and orphans of our retribution? An easy way to reunite “our” forces and get them refocused on the real enemy.” 

I waffled my hand while I chewed on naan. Swallowing I managed to get out, “Kind of both? Don’t get me wrong, if we just wiped out their mortgage and they still bombed the cafe? We can pro-rate that insurance, I know the math.  But also.” I started gesturing with my fork again. “Did you know that, in the absence of a clear beneficiary, most life insurance defaults to the state after three to ten years?  Waste of funds, plus the interest goes to the state, regardless. It’s gross.”

“That is uniquely disgusting,” he said, before shoving a large hunk of naam into his mouth. “Or, I’d say so if I hadn’t heard about. Other theft the state likes doing. But that’s directly addressable, right now.” 

I nodded enthusiastically. “So, you’re picking up what I’m putting down: unclaimed and excessive life insurance. Reroute that shit.”

“Sounds perfectly agreeable to me. To the poor, or to the recently widowed and orphaned of the country? I think both would be…pretty funny.” 

“Tired, poor, and huddled masses,” I toasted with a chunk of naan, rice, and curry. “Fuck the yearning, let’s make them free. Food banks, medical debts - until we can wipe those out - Hey.” I set my food down for a second. “Funnel the funds into a medical debt jubilee? Would that work better, or would another hack work better? We need an accountant or insurance adjuster on staff, I think.”  At this point, I was rambling, but in the groove and happy for once in the last several years.

“Second hack. We drop that kind of cash into the people who are real experts in making it matter the most, they’re legally required to find out who it comes from and how. We’re better off intercepting the shit they can’t buy yet.” Nils was grinning. “We can find an accountant though. Gotta be a way to start dumping money into this machine.” He blushed a bit. “I love seeing you smile again, Lash. For real, not just for cover.” 

I complied with a genuinely enthusiastic, sunny grin, spinach in teeth be damned. “I still think we need a risk-reward specialist on board,” I pointed out. “Keep in mind, we don’t need a licensed adjuster, just a trained one. Think of all the people who get educated in prison and can’t get employed. We can cultivate one, cherry pick.” At this point I was screaming high on endorphins and realized I sounded silly. “Or just… I dunno. Pay one who is willing to take the pay over the ethics. You might be right.”

“You didn’t even wait to hear my objections. I was going to say there’s no one trained for this, because we break that scale at both ends.” He was laughing too. “Then again as we get this council together, we’re probably going to run into that problem a lot if we go as far as we could.” 

I glanced around while I thought, and spotted a surprisingly dusty chess set.  Carefully, I brought it over to the table, set it down, scooted our food over, and sat on the floor. “So here,” I I picked up a king out of the box - it happened to be a white piece, but whatever, it was the first one I saw - “This is basically you.” I set it in place. “You think incredibly well in short term but you put your neck out without caring about the consequences, yes?”

He picked up the black king. “I don’t hate your analysis. But this is the side we’re playing. The system’s had at least one move on us a long time. We’re just moving back to react to the world we’re living in and trying to win anyway. Also, you know you’re setting me up as the piece we can’t win without - that the game ends if they manage to kill me.” He sounded oddly anxious about that concept.

I nodded and fished out the corresponding queen. “In theory, this is me - long term thinking, flexible, but not the figurehead. The movement doesn’t die with me.” Without waiting, I grabbed a bishop. “Obvious. But we need another, so I’m only putting one on the board right now.”  Fully committing to the metaphor, I fished all the pawns out of the box and placed them on the Black side. “These are your pawns. Appropriately, both useful, powerful, and sacrificial.”  To the side, I started setting the rest of the Black pieces. “Here’s what we don’t have.”

“An advisor, two specialists for atypical offense, and two builders to make whatever we want last. Okay.” He took a look. “Not king and queen of much of a court.” He glanced at me. “You were born to be a queen though, even if when we’re done there’s not going to be much in the way of monarchies.” 

I felt my face flush, and turned away so he wouldn’t see it.  Given how many times I had been subjected to similar pickup lines, I mentally scolded myself while I calmed down. Remember all the stupid lines about Nubian queens when you aren’t even from Africa, I asserted. And how many references to Cleopatra left you with a soggy date and an empty cup. “Capitalism, monarchies, whatever,” I managed to get out, “leaders need a council.  I assume you would object if I placed myself as King’s Rook - the one piece that can swap for the King in an assassination attempt in chess - so I accept being Queen. Fair?”

“We didn’t establish that I really bought the model that you’re more expendable than I am to the movement long-term.” He said, obviously thinking about something. “But if I can’t convince you of that, yes, you’re the queen.” 

I grabbed a bite of my now-cold paneer and nodded as I swallowed. “If it helps your conscience at all, these games rarely get far past the Queen being taken, unless you are playing against an absolute master or a total newb.”

He nodded. “Point.” He then proceeded, speaking in a voice somewhere between supervillain and flirting-teasing, with a grin that indicated he had an entirely new thing to tease me with, “So, ‘my queen,’ do you have a particular preference for the rest of our council that we should contact or discuss this evening?”

My face burning, I managed to keep facing him and steadily respond. “Bishop, first. Ask him for suggestions… Beyond him and Weasel, I don’t think we know a lot of the same folks.”  Surrendering, I dropped my forehead into my palm. “And please, for the love of everything, let me sleep on this big, fluffy, gorgeous couch tonight? I don’t want to even think of blaming anything that happens between us, non-professionally, as being due to trauma.”

He snorted. “I was going to be a gentleman and take the couch, let you have the bed, but if you insist on the couch, I’m not going to force you.” 

I started giggling, possibly out of tired delirium. “I flopped on the bed earlier,” I confessed. “It’s hard as a rock, so I will take the couch and suggest you get a softer bed.”

He shrugged, and boxed up what was left of the food. “Ah. Yeah. We can talk about that, if you were coming over here more often. But for tonight, yeah, take the couch. I’ll get you some blankets and pillows.” 

[gemwing1988]

Rugrats: Ghost Story Review 👻📖

Yet again, another spooky review of another well-liked episode I had enjoyed and a very rare crossover episode to feature in the franchise aside from the Rugrats Go Wild movie. Even though it’s not a Halloween episode, it might still be considered one with its kid friendly spookiness and the vibes to it.

It begins a dark and stormy night at the Pickles family household as Tommy, his little brother, Baby Dil, best friend Chuckie, the twins Phil and Lil, and of course, Dil and Tommy’s mean and bossy 3-year-old cousin, Angelica, were “camping out” in Tommy’s bedroom, “roasting” marshmallows in front of a battery powered campfire.

Dismissing Tommy’s suggestion to sing campfire songs, Angelica decided to tell ghost stories, much to Chuckie’s dismay. Of course, Angelica was surprisingly generous enough to allow the babies to each take a turn to tell the story.

Angelica ominously kickstarts the story about a haunted house where a mysterious light is always shown lit up in the old attic of the house and one scared little boy dared to venture into the house to uncover the mystery. And, being the spiteful bully as she is, Angelica deliberately inserted Chuckie as the unwilling main character.

Seriously, why does Angelica always pick on him so much? I know Chuckie’s afraid of some of the silliest of things like the guy on the oatmeal box but that doesn’t excuse her to be so mean about it.

Anyway, when Tommy reminded that each of the kids have a turn to tell, an annoyed Angelica agreed to let Chuckie to do his turn, on the condition he should make it scary, which is the whole point of ghost stories.

Of course, knowing Chuckie Finster, things are easier said than done.

Desperate to dodge around the scary parts and avoiding getting nightmares afterwards, Chuckie sugarcoated the part where he enters the house where the interior was cutely decorated, complete with soft pillows on the couch and a full bowl of tasty sweets, promptly claiming it to be the end.

Angelica, unamused, objected to the hastily shortened story and demanded Chuckie to redo his turn again, which poor Chuckie reluctantly did, even adding in the pillows are as hard as solid rock and the candy tasted terrible. As insult to injury, Angelica added in cobwebs and some of those spooky paintings of creepy people on the walls with eyes that seem to move and watch you whenever you’re not looking like in one of those old Scooby-Doo cartoons.

Angelica: (voiceover) And don’t forget about that loud “thump, tump!”

*Cue the ominously loud thumping behind a door.*

Angelica: (voiceover) Comin’ behind the close door!

I’m also familiar with that one, Angelica. 🙄

As Chuckie hesitated on the part where the character opens the closet door, a frustratedly annoyed Angelica impatiently hijacked his segment and reveals that hiding in the closet where a pair of “creepy people”, who are Phil and Lil in the role of a butler and maid.

Excited that the story was getting good so far, the twins took their turn to tell the story where their characters decided to escort Chuckie up the stairs towards the attic.

The twins decided to make the stair climbing much more interesting by conjuring a giant and friendly (yet slimy) worm to give them a ride, much to Chuckie’s disgust and dismay yet to the twins’ characters’ delight as they were enjoying the lift.

Of course, Angelica wasn’t impressed with the little plot twist herself, disgustedly adding in that not only was it not scary but also gross. I can totally agree that the worm could be a little less slimy but you gotta admit it’s kinda cute in the standards of a Rugrats episode.

Meanwhile, Chuckie (in the story), not wanting to continue, decided to literally sit out as he rested on what was supposed to be a chair covered in a sheet. Unfortunately, much to Chuckie’s horror, Angelica added in a part where the “sheet covered chair” was actually a great, big, ugly and spooky old ghost who proceeded to chase Chuckie around.

Luckily, it was Tommy’s turn to tell the story as he improvised with the ghost scene, transforming the scary ghost into a cute and friendly little ghost played by none other than Tommy himself.

Angelica: (annoyed) A cute ghost?! That’s NOT scary! 😠

As Tommy the friendly ghost was about to happily lead Chuckie and the twins to the attic, Angelica hijacks the story yet again, inserting herself as a wicked witch, who tells the scaredy boy and his companions that the door to the attic won’t open without a key, which is hidden away behind one of the doors in the hallway.

So, the babies decided to split up and search through each door to find the attic key.

And, I was in for a real surprise when we get some very special surprise guests in this episode where the main characters from Aaahh!!! Real Monsters, Ickis, Krumm and Oblina, are featured in the episode as the monsters in the story. As well as a few unnamed monster characters from the franchise.

Talk about a huge plot twist! 🤯

As Angelica sics the monsters on the babies, Tommy tries to convince them not to eat them because there is some chocolate pudding downstairs in the kitchen, which the monsters happily chose over eating the babies.

In all honesty, that came off confusing for any fans of this classic franchise. I’m kinda rusty on the show but it’s said that the monsters can’t eat human food because it’s bad for their health. On the other hand, it is just a story made up by a group of young toddlers since some things don’t have to be accurate.

While Angelica angrily flies down after the monsters to force them back up the stairs to terrorise the babies, Chuckie’s group find the attic key was hidden underneath the rug near the attic door the whole time. Wow, that’s surprisingly convenient.

Once they opened the door, Chuckie was surprised that the attic didn’t seem as scary as he thought it would be. But just as Tommy and the twins went up ahead and as Chuckie was following behind, Angelica grabs him back, only for the worm the twins added in to slink behind and give her a kiss on the cheek.

While the disgusted Angelica was distracted with frantically wiping off the worm kisses, Chuckie started to have a change of heart about telling stories, realising they don’t always have to be scary if you use your imagination to make them much more entertaining with fun stuff and funny plot twists, ensuring a happy ending.

Chuckie: (giggled and turns to us, the viewers) Tellin’ scary stories is fun! 🙂

Once the group reached the attic, they were in awe to see it was a rather cute and cosy little bedroom, complete with a comfortable looking bed. And the light in the attic was coming from a cute giant teddy bear nightlight.

Mystery solved.

Contented with the happy ending and tired from the adventure, the babies happily climbed into the comfortable for well-deserved nap.

Then, we cue an angry and dissatisfied Angelica barging into the attic, declaring it to be the “dumbest story she had ever heard”. In a fit of frustration and an attempt to scare the sleeping babies out of spite, Angelica tries to retell the story of being up in a creepy old attic inside a haunted house filled with kinds of scary monsters.

But as she was saying this, Angelica started to grow very nervous just as Ickis, Krumm and Oblina walk, deciding to stir up some harmless mischief by scaring her.

*Krumm playfully roars while Oblina happily yells.*

Ickis: (cheekily) Ha ha ha ha ha. 😁

Angelica: (as Krumm was offering her a glass of water)😱😱😱😱😱!!!

Then, cue a clap of thunder and a lightening flash, we cut back to reality as Angelica had ended up scaring herself, prompting her to frantically run out of the bedroom, calling out for her parents while the babies are sleeping peacefully under a blanket, ending the episode.

I have to consider this one of my most favourite crossovers and I really enjoyed it. I especially loved it that they used some of the music pieces from the old Rugrats PS1 game, “The Search for Reptar” in certain segments. Pure nostalgia.

It was a pity it was shown first after the theme intro because I thought it would make a great Karma Houdini Warranty for Angelica when she callously “written” down a mean spirited complain letter from Chuckie to Reptar when Chuckie wasn’t happy with Reptar eating some kid’s cereal (bowl and all) on a Reptar Cereal commercial, all the while getting off Scot-free.

Hey, The Cuphead Show TV Tropes website’s recap of “The Devil’s Pitchfork” added in a Karma Houdini Warranty for Cuphead after how he had been done dirty in “Lost in the Woods”. Yeah, not a huge fan of the ending when he deliberately launched Mugman on a rocket for the LOLs just as Mugsy was making a heartfelt apology. 🙄

Despite that, it was still a fun episode and it most certainly has some Halloween vibes to it and quite the spooky charm that would make a great choice to sit back, relax on your couch with a bowl of popcorn and a nice cold bottle of soda and enjoy watching with the lights off to get into the spirit (pun not intended 😅).

I most especially love Tommy’s ghostly persona being a huge reference to Casper the Friendly Ghost. Very cute.

Well, that wraps up yet another spooky review and I do hope you all enjoy it as much as I had fun writing it.

Hope you all have a Happy Halloween next week and may your dreams shine. ✨🎃

[blortch]

Not trying to start any drama or anything, but I sent that ask letting off some steam about Mike being a petulant little man, and a lot of tags in the reblogs were calling me out that I don’t know mikes humor, he’s always been like that etc etc etc. but I just want to make my point clear, that I like you all have watched all the videos too. There is a marked change in his insolence. Whereas in the past mikes jabs at rich and Jay were mean yes, they felt like a part of the bit. Written jokes, even if there was no script. Like it was an understanding that Mike was gonna use insult humor to make jokes and build the channel. And I think it probably worked. Whereas now it’s not as directly mean, like direct fat jokes or gay jokes or whatever, now it’s just more dismissive of rich and jay’s opinion just to make room for mikes. (I don’t think you watched the acolyte video but Mike in editing, cut off rich in such a disrespectful and shitty way that it really irked me) also the “shut ups” in particular from Mike seem to me to be the most disrespectful, not only because it’s boorish or inelegant in its delivery, but because he is their “boss” it’s even more particularly distasteful, because they usually do just shut up when he tells them to. It just highlights a power imbalance that MAY have been there all along, I’m not sure, but that rift feels even more wide, and makes Mike feel even more like a tyrannical boss to them, which makes him seem more like a petulant little shit.

Anyway as always thank you for listening. You are always one of the most clear eyed in the fandom, and I always respect your opinion. Thanks!

Anon to be honest with you I've been where you've been a couple times myself where I was shy or hesitant to post my opinion so I send an anon ask, and then people write in the notes horrid shit that should happen to me cuz it's "just some anon" which is why I can sympathize with you. I understand what feelings led you to send this ask after the last one yet I can tell you from experience that you honestly shouldn't have sent it, it unfortunately won't help your case if you overexplain yourself to people that evidently have made up their minds and have come to different conclusions from watching about as many videos as you have. Usually it won't help you come to terms with the feelings you might've gone through while looking at like 7 people bash your theory with you being unable to argue back with this format. I'll publish this ask mostly for this piece of advice but if you get more of the same notes on this ask I can't help you. And I know u said u didn't want to start any drama but unforch by sending this ask alone you kind of are 😭

But let's assume you wanted to just send this to me specifically as a DM you couldn't send for X or Y reason just to chat and for the rest of this response I'll answer accordingly.

I still haven't watched the Acolyte video and you can't make me !!! Despite what my blog looks like I value my time dearly.

Your accusations are kinda heavy. I can already tell you that there's one point that isn't quite correct which is that "when Mike tells them shut up they do" because in one of the latest "shut up" instances Jay continued exactly where he left off.

Seen objectively, one thinks "boss" and thinks some degree of power is at play, but in execution, the hint that we've been given is that supposedly Jay has just as much power to not upload edits he doesn't give the ok to post (with some exceptions as seen in the Space Cop commentary where Jay personally didn't want the joke in there where it was implied his character shoved something 10 inches long up his ass, or where Rich and Jack said in PreRec they protested vehemently against the "whazaaaa" joke at the beginning and they couldn't change Mike's mind).... From this All we can infer is that movies are a different ballpark to Mike or at least Space Cop was. I KNOW I've mentioned Jay complaining about the Wedding arc in the Projection Booth Podcast too before but him saying that he found it "horrible" doesn't equal that he didn't want it to be in the show unlike the two Space Cop instances. TLDR we can't say with certainty if they mightn't have taken FURTHER countermeasures that we don't see that might counteract this POSSIBILITY of a owner vs. employee power imbalance.

A more cynical side of me has seen this company-of-friends model go very nightmarishly horribly many times in the past and I think some people feel threatened by the idea that their dream might be impossible or have a low chance of succeeding.

I think I can vaguely see what you're seeing in terms of what Mike insult-jokes have looked like through the years but there's a fair amount from back then I didn't like either, like this horrible old Plinkett commentary that sounds like an audiobook version of his video descriptions where not a single joke-insult towards Rich and Jay hits so they just land on the floor with a thud and feel weirdly bitter. (btw they are all before the 4:03 mark so please don't torture yourself listening to the rest of the commentary)

Ultimately as I've been saying your views are your own and I would personally value them as questionable and I don't exactly have the authority to prove you wrong. I have absolutely 0 at stake so I don't feel like defending their reputation much either lol all I'll do is add an ALLEGEDLY banner. You're welcome.

[tokuvivor]

Thanks for the tag on this one, @shychick-52! (Update: And @writebackatya.)

how many fics do you have on ao3?

12.

what's your total ao3 word count?

69,172.

what are your top five fics by kudos?

The Power of Three

Bridging the Gap

We Could Bring You a Hamburger…

One Night Ultimate Duck (Or Hummingbird, or Parrot)

Duckverse June 2023 Prompts (yes, it’s a story collection, but it still counts)

what fandoms do you write for?

DuckTales 2017, mostly, a bit for Super Sentai, did one for the Netflix show Dash & Lily, and I have a couple ideas of fics relating to other shows.

do you respond to comments? why or why not?

Yes! Someone took time out of their day to read my stuff and leave their input on it, and the least I could do is show my appreciation for it in return, and elaborate on any questions they may have.

what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Shit, I’m really not good with ending stories on a down note; I try to make the endings as satisfying as possible. But I’d say the closest thing to that is for my 6th Webby Week story, Am I Good Enough? (An Internal Battle). It’s basically just Webby wrestling over being chosen by the Papyrus in her mind. Even though it doesn’t end on an outright fairy tale note, she does recognize that it’s okay to not have something that big figured out immediately, and that it’s good to talk about it with other people if you have trouble processing it.

what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

That’s a tough one. There are probably certain stories I’ll discuss in later answers, so for this one, I’ll go with We Could Bring You a Hamburger…. I mean, it’s just a sweet, simple story about something that absolutely should’ve been shown in canon (Webby getting her first hamburger). It’s just a good, satisfying, slice of life kinda thing.

do you get hate on your fics?

Well, on the second chapter of The Power of Three, I got somebody telling me that Huey shouldn’t be guilty over going against his general Woodchuck instinct and leaving Violet behind, and that he should be jealous and upset with Violet and Lena for insulting him and making him feel miserable. Jesus.

do you write smut?

No. I honestly don’t think I’d be good at it. Especially regarding a show like DuckTales. If I were to, it’d probably be wayyyyy down the road.

do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've ever written?

Not actively; if I write something with multiple fandom tags on AO3, it’s mostly because minor elements of one thing are peppered into my DT story.

have you ever had a fic stolen?

No. Thank god.

have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but that’d be interesting.

have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Yes; I started working with @sisiwritesfanfics on her Super Sentai Couples One-Shot Collection beginning with the second story. We’re currently trying to work on the third.

what's your all time favorite ship?

I don’t know, probably Fendra? But I generally prefer fanworks of them more, especially when stories go more in-depth regarding their relationship than we got in canon. There are others in DuckTales, and other pieces of media, that I really enjoy, though.

what's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

At the moment, none. But there are a couple idea that I have that I don’t know if I’d ever start.

what are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, especially between two characters, and being able to really get into characters’ minds.

what are your writing weaknesses?

Writing full-on angst. I can incorporate bits of angst into stories, especially when it’s introspective, but a full story of it just wouldn’t be my thing (so, way longer than Am I Good Enough?). Also, losing motivation at certain points in time.

thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I’ve done bits of gratuitous Spanish or Latin in my stories before, but no full-on dialogue. But I did provide the translated Spanish dialogue between Fenton, Gosalyn, and Webby in @writebackatya’s story Let’s All Go to the Movies!.

first fandom you wrote for?

Technically speaking, I did a piece based on Wreck-It Ralph back in high school for my creative writing class. So that, I guess.

favorite fic you've ever written?

Massive toss-up for me here. The Power of Three is special because it was my first fic, and it focuses on the budding dynamic between Huey, Violet, and Boyd, which absolutely should have been explored in the show. But my other major early idea for a DuckTales story turned into Bridging the Gap. Gandra isn’t written nearly as often alongside Huey, and we only really got a resolution of her relationship with Fenton (amongst main and major recurring characters) in the show, so I wanted to build on the pieces we got between Gandra and Huey in her episodes, which culminated in what I still think is my absolute favorite scene I’ve written. I think the overall edge goes to Power, but Bridging isn’t far behind in my heart.

Tagging @godfrey-the-chaos-duck and @sparklingspidey

[jackra881t5cratch35]

Don't Look Up Review, 6.37/10 (Why I hate movies like this)

TL;DR: This movie is okay but mildly entertaining. Made me cry, so it gets points there. However, this movie mostly pissed me off. The filmmakers are disconnected. If you want people to save the world, don't insult them. Give them solutions and compassion.

The Review: I know I’m late to the party with this movie. When it came out, I was interested but something bothered me. Some projects don’t feel like they are for me. Every time I think of media like this, I think of ‘Handmaid’s Tale.’ I know our rights are being taken away, the world is coming to an end, the people running our country suck, it is all our fault, and I don’t need Hollywood to tell me this. I’m angry enough.

In 2015 I watched ‘The Big Short’ and thoroughly enjoyed it when I was a lot less pissed off. Then I saw ‘Vice’ in 2018 and thought it was a lot less enjoyable. It was still good, but it was nothing new for me. There was too much winking at the audience, but the performances were good. Then I sat down with ‘Don’t Look Up’ last night and yeah it was in enjoyable but not as enjoyable as those other 2 films. I put it on while I was writing, and it was perfect for background noise.  Something surprising happened at the end for me.

As the comet is careening toward Earth. All the problems the movie presented begin to reconcile themselves. It is a little too convenient, but I don’t care either. I sat through this whole thing. I just want to know whether the world explodes. Well, it does, and I started crying. A lot. What I put on to break the silence, elicited an emotional reaction. I’ve been dealing with my own mortality. It scares me. I’m okay with who I am, and what it all means but what is there? So, maybe that had something to do with it.

This film has a bigger problem. The movie is making light of these very serious issues. I remember when ‘Don’t Look Up’ was being released. There was talk about it being satire about climate change. After watching this movie, all I have to say is fuck you McKay. Shows an out of touch look at the world. What can we do as an average person? Really. Going on TV and screaming CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL. Won’t change a thing. Neither will going to the Louvre and throwing soup on things.

When ‘Don’t Look Up,’ was released we had a Far-Right clown for Republican president. The POTUS in the movie in the movie was very similar to the 1 at the time. Now we have a Center-Right POTUS (in 2024) who represents the Democratic party. The current says he is doing more for climate change, but is he? Not really. So, what do we do? The system is broken. Give more money? To Whom? Yellow Dot Studios? No Thanks. The movie depicts so many average people as dumb and it’s in bad taste.

So, thanks for establishing the problem with no solutions per usual.  I would love for people to humble themselves. Make a project showing what can be done. A movie like ‘How To Blow Up a Pipeline’ comes to mind. Not saying do let’s go commit mass destruction but I am saying it was a lot more compelling than this movie was. Push comes to shove; I will be doing exactly what happens at the end of this movie. Enjoying my family and friends because the people in power don’t care about us. Not even Hollywood/Netflix.

Grade: D

[fictionfixations]

twst spoilers (im looking through this through the lens of twisted wonderland)

I have a bunch of movie DVDs so I’m watching them.

watched part of the little mermaid (i ended up stopping cause the rest of the audio after the deal was just gone and there were more and more frame freezes and cuts)

and then aladdin

Anyway since I’m on a twisted wonderland fixation I wanted to watch the movies I had. So I’m going through little mermaid. I don’t think I have the second

..there’s one at 80 mins. It says disc 1. The other is titled ‘Ariel’s beginning’ idk the difference??? apparently ariel's beginning is the third movie, and a prequel. i didnt get around to watching it cause at this point im tired)

Guppy is an insult (i swear ive heard floyd call someone a guppy but im not sure where)

THE TWEELS EYESSS (and the white glowed yellow???? Or is that an artistic choice??? i have no idea what they did because i couldnt hear them and i didnt figure out how to turn on subtitles or rewind )

I love the yellow fish so much (hes just explaining it while lacking so many details you cant really follow)

Triton a shit father???? No I hate the crab (hes. kind of a bad influence.)

Ariel can. Be out of water with her tail? And speak? And

breathe???????? huh!?

SHES ON SAND AND ISNT DRYING OUT??? (so her only problem with it is that shes not human. and thinks he'll only get with her if she's human. it feels kind of dumb but i guess it kind of isnt if they have this huge thing against merpeople but they dont even know they exist? although there could be negative consequences ofc if they did find out but i really dont think ariel's aware of that. or if she is, then whyd she go so close if she knows they could be a danger??? ???

..i mean. its better than signing away your best magic for TEST answers. and then working for the lounge for the rest of your years at school??? with probably no pay. like. seriously?? people just accept things?? i mean i know nrc wouldnt accept kindness. but. ..apparently accept azuls deals without reading...)

'Beautiful girl singing.' (or it was beautiful singing voice) (What if she was a siren???? like cmonn) I couldn’t hear what happened to Ursula that left her away from the others ngl

...Tritons really the kind of dad to destroy Ariel’s stuff when she reveals she’s in love with a human. Okay yeah I don’t take back my thought of him being a bad dad

Well it’s human stuff but srsly???

THE FAN TURNED ON (curse non-soundproof walls) DURING MEETING URSULA ('poor unfortunate soulsss') IM CRYING NOOOOO (i didnt know how to turn on subtitles. i only figured it partway around watching aladdin :( )

I can’t hear the deal :(

Weird that Ariel still got married (and had like the foundation thing that helps merpeople get used to land??? i forgot what it was but it was because a princess in like the sunshine lands blah blah blah) Meanwhile Ursula is just. Admired fo being so kind. Do they not know??? then again they do admire jafar while he also still lost. ..i mean the stories twisted ig so we cant really know what happened. if it followed the movie or if something else happened. In twst* Sound disappeared. I think it’s the movie dvd cause there are weird cuts

im. gonna end it there because otherwise im not gonna understand a thing

aladdin go brr

The frame froze on jafar closing the parrots mouth 😭

I FOUND WHERE THE SUBTITLES ARE oh my god were the crackers a reference (in the game kalim kept shoving crackers in grims mouth and i was just so confused???) I just wanna give the tiger a hug (i dont remember what gender but so so cute when turned into smol bby)

I can’t really blame animal sidekicks that cause an issue in stuff (and kind of annoying) since I got attached to grim and I hated him for the longest time lol (anyway abu ended up helping out by stealing the lamp anyway when before there liekly wouldnt have been a chance. so. good on him)

Jafar just keeps calling him Abooboo throughout the movie. …i cant take it seriously its the funniest thing ever

Why is jasmine surprised (or at least look surprised) she could’ve just assumed jafar was mistaken since Aladdin said he went in disguise and stuff to hide why he was there????

Who the hell would believe jafar’s word? The sultan. But jasmine hates jafar!

Jafar only wanted to be with jasmine to get power??? So why does he want her now? I refuse to believe he’s in love ew

EWWWW THEY KISSED (well she did it to distract him while aladdin was making his way on the plan to stop jafar. but EWW it didnt even work because he saw aladdin's reflection in the crown!)

So gross HOW OLD IS HE!?

So glad jamil wasn’t like that but also it’s not a romance game thank fuck

'Still just second best’ OUCH thats rough hearing that insult

and its deserved. but also knowing jamils backstory makes it ow, although jamil never really. went as far. ....like. nobody actually dies. theres no attempt at killing someone excluding overblot actions and actions pre-blot BECAUSE its on the way about to overblot that what you normally wouldn't do you kind of do, and i really doubt you can be blamed for that when it kind of just. removes your morals, sort of? lowers your inhibitions. but like. makes what caused it so much more intense so then you break and boom overblot

something like that.

[lieutenant-amuel]

you wrote once about your favorite Disney princesses. What are your thoughts on the Disney non princess? Or top 10 princes?

Thank you for the ask!

The term “Disney non-princesses” is too vast, so I’ll go with the princes :P

I’ll take the characters from the same movies the princesses are from (even if they’re not “princes” aka royal), excluding:

EoA, because I’m not even sure which characters to include. Probably Gabe and Mateo because they’re the main characters and around Elena’s age. But I won’t include them because they are not well-known outside their show and either way we all know Gabe is always my number one, so let’s make this top more interesting.

Moana and Raya and The Last Dragon, because those movies simply don’t have male characters who could be considered “princes” (I don’t have the heart to call Maui or the guys (Boun and Tong) from Raya’s gang princes, sorry and I barely remember those characters because I’m not a big fan of the movies).

Before we begin, I want to note that this top is about MY favourite princes, not the best ones, and is supposed to reflect MY opinion, not yours. If you disagree, make your own post and don’t argue with me, trying to change my mind, because this kind of conversations is simply pointless. Anyway, I’ll try to express my opinion as politely as possible so I won’t offend anyone.

And now let’s get started!

11. The Prince (Prince Florian/Ferdinand)

I have nothing to say about him, besides he’s romantic and sweet. His role in the movie is insignificant, he appears only in two scenes and doesn’t even have speaking parts, I think?

I believe he could have a bigger impact on me if I loved the movie more, because my own bias plays a big role in making this top, but sadly he’s just bland for me.

10. Kristoff

Please, don’t bite me.

Despite the fact Kristoff is basically a lot more round than most of the characters I put higher, I still don’t have much to say about him, because he’s simply not my type.

I absolutely love Anna, but it doesn’t make me care about Kristoff as much as about her. He’s kind, loyal, brave, and even has a backstory, but… there’s still something missing. I don’t have the heart to call him unintelligent or God forbid dumb, but he just seems superficial to me. This is kind of people I don’t really like in real life, so I suppose it makes its impact.

I’m really sorry to all Kristoff fans, because really, he’s a great character, but just not for me. I often prioritize character’s personality over their complexity (which is why I’m not a fan of Elsa or Esteban if we take EoA into account because it’s been my brand~ for a long time) and if I don’t like them as a person, I cannot care about them as a character, and Kristoff is this case.

9. The Beast (Prince Adam)

As much as I love Belle, I’m indifferent to the Beast. I know he kind of has a complex character arc as we see how he’s actually changing thanks to Belle’s influence, plus we know a little of him before he was turned into a beast, like the fact he loves books, which actually does add something to his character, but I just don’t think that much about him. He’s nice, and that’s all I can say.

8. Prince Charming (Prince Henry)

I’m not sure what to say about him. He and Snow White’s prince are basically the same as neither of them plays an important role in the movies. I put him higher than the Beast mostly because of the sequels where he gets more personality (and an iconic jumping out of the window scene) that makes him a lot more enjoyable and fun to watch, even though he’s not really the character type I like.

7. Eric

Same as for the Beast. I strongly disagree with people who call Eric dumb or bland, but the fact I don’t insult him doesn’t mean he’s a character I often think about. I’m indifferent.

I love his passion for the sea, it makes him curious and adventurous, and I think it’s actually super interesting that despite being a prince, he has a down-to-earth hobby and is nice to his crew (and he has a super cool dog).

I heard Eric got “more personality” in the remake but I haven’t watched it yet so I cannot put my two cents in. Anyway, this top is about animated princes, so I wouldn’t put him higher either way. But the movie would certainly help me to look deeper into his character.

6. Phillip

Unexpected? Well, as I said, I’m biased. Sleeping Beauty is my favourite old Disney movie, Aurora was my favourite Disney princess as a kid and so it automatically made me love her man, too. He’s charming and brave as he’s actually rescuing Aurora, and as much as this is basically the only thing I can say about him, I still put him that high because he has a special place in my heart.

But you know, if we’re unnecessarily overanalyzing, Phillip is also kind of a rebel since when he fell in love with Aurora without knowing it was her, he refused to follow the betrothal and wanted to marry the girl he actually loved, so yeah, that’s nice. And he has a cool horse and a fun dynamic with his father.

5. Naveen

And we’re finally getting to the characters that I actually care about and even can say something beyond “he’s nice.”

I love Naveen! He’s energetic and optimistic, and I honestly do love characters like him. He’s super fun and has a fantastic arc, and I love his passion for music. As in Eric’s case, that’s great that he has a hobby and treats common people nicely despite being a prince.

Really, I just love characters with a radiant personality.

4. John Smith

I thought for a long time whether I should put John Smith or Naveen higher, because I like them pretty equally, but eventually John Smith won mostly because he’s deeper and I have more to say about him.

John Smith is great! He’s curious and adventurous, which I already said about Eric, but he’s a lot more dynamic and charming, and it makes him more enjoyable to me (his part in Mine, Mine, Mine is fantastic). He’s also decent, brave, loyal, caring, and what’s also important open-minded. I love characters who use to have wrong beliefs but learn eventually that they’re wrong. I think if I had rewatched Pocahontas before making this post, I’d say a lot more about him.

3. Eugene

My Top-3!

Eugene must be one of the most loved Disney male characters, and that’s well deserved! He’s charming and witty, brave and resourceful, has a great backstory that actually makes people care about him and it leads him to have a fantastic arc.

I really don’t know what else to say about him, he’s simply an amazing round character with a unique personality, and I really love him a lot.

I’m not taking Tangled the Series Eugene into account, because I sincerely don’t like how he’s portrayed there. They make a very big emphasis on his narcissism, especially in season 1, making him a comedy relief character, whereas in the movie it isn’t even such a big deal. Not to mention his absolutely terrible arc of being the prince of the Dark Kingdom. It completely erases his backstory in the movie and makes his story of being an orphan a lot less impactful for me.

2. Shang

Another bias, because, as you might have noticed, Mulan is my most favourite Disney movie. Just of all time.

To be serious, Shang is a perfect character for me. He’s brave, smart, takes his responsibilities seriously. He might be blunt and tough on the surface, but he’s also decent, respects his soldiers, wants his father to be proud of him, and always strives to do the right thing even if it’s contrary to his duties (I do have a type, don’t I)

and oh my goodness his song is the fire

He’s perfect, and I love him <3

1. Aladdin

That’s my boy!

Aladdin is my second favourite Disney movie, and Aladdin himself is definitely one of the reasons why.

He’s incredibly brave, decent, kind and selfless without being too soft as he’s also witty and resourceful. He also has many insecurities that force him to make wrong decisions, but he’s learnt from each one, and the general concept of his character being “the diamond in the rough” is really the main reason why I love him.

Aladdin is so layered and dynamic, and he will always be special to me.

Bonus: Gabe

ALRIGHT I’VE CHANGED MY MIND I will include Gabe, because it gives me an opportunity to finally ramble about my best man again and I cannot waste it.

I don’t even know where to start with.

I love his personality. He’s brave, honest, responsible, kind, selfless, protective, loving, extremely loyal and hard-working.

I love his story and how much he’s grown on me.

I love so many character tropes he embodies, and how some of the important aspects of his character resonate with me, which makes him special to me on a personal level.

He’s the character who unleashed my creativity as I created so much content of him and even built my own little universe that revolves around him and that I love to death.

He’s the only character on this list that I think about literally every day, and he will always be special to me because of the impact he’s made on me.

I love Gabe, and he’s placed out of this top, because he’s incomparable <3

***

Thank you again for the ask! I hope I wasn’t too mean akjsnfkk.

[that-is-just-so-typically-me]

I’m feeling so torn. After about a year of occasional text conversations with my ex, I think I’m recognizing a pattern where for a while afterwards, all the hurt and angry and afraid parts of me seem to come creeping so close to the surface of my skin at all times, and it becomes harder for me to walk around my life accessing the default calm, settled, generally kind reactions I tend to have first. My inner peace just gets incredibly disturbed. I’m uncertain if this means that actually I have barely processed or managed anything in a meaningful way, and it’s not healthy or possible to be in contact with her as long as I continue to grieve our dreams and plans together, being together for the rest of lives. I feel like I hold my anger and fear and despair at the same time as I hold my forgiveness and love and hope. I don’t want to shut her out now that a part of my exists that welcomes it - because I can’t possibly not care for her, and there are parts of me that know I am generally okay enough, the parts that function which have gotten me moving my life along this whole time. It feels artificially angry and aggressive to ask for no contact. Like, the angry parts of me exist parallel to the parts that understand everyone is flawed and complicated, and that traumatized people traumatize people, and we’re all doing our best. And god, I miss her. Even this small, apparently too painful interaction fills a tiny bit of glue in the rip that runs through everything. And maybe how good and right it feels is the entire reason why it’s so dangerous for me. And there’s the way that every time I see her name in my notifications and begin subconsciously anticipating a response, my mind flashes back to memories, which usually ends up with my mind playing back the most painful and traumatic moments like the worst home-movie I keep rewinding and reliving. And then it turns into the nightmares about her and her girlfriend (always accompanied by other stressful but unrelated nightmare plot points, to add insult to the injury). The nightmares snowballed when I got home from my recent trip, and now I’m fighting the most intense perseverations about what happened. And there’s the way I know I begin to expect a response in a certain time - just based on her texting habits and patterns - and it is so unsafe for my nervous system to subconsciously expect anything from her, after how worthless I ended up feeling when she chose her other partner over me in so many small and big situations. Literally obviously she owes me nothing, but of course I am aware that she is living her life with her partner so I’m in those instants of realizing I haven’t heard back when I guessed I might, I of course think “Oh it’s a Saturday, they’re on a date” which of course triggers the thought of not being the one she goes on Saturday adventure with anymore, and someone else is in the place I was doing those things with her instead. And building a whole life with her instead. And I know that and mostly I can hold that jagged truth in my bleeding hand and I’m so used to it and I get by and can even smile at times. But the constant, jarring, unexpected reminders that feed into these weeks of flashbacks and insomnia and nightmares. It’s derailing and negativity impacting my life in a tangible way.

I’ve started struggling with restricting my eating again, which hasn’t happened since the pandemic hit when I was isolated at home with my parents, and was going through an emotional hell realizing they were isolating together, and getting together. I used rationing food as my excuse to punish my body for her no longer loving me. It feels like that again, and I guess it’s just an even bigger trigger for my already constantly triggered body image. It’s not good. I know I can’t keep going on in a pattern like this.

It’s all so incredibly embarrassing. I was doing pretty well with all of this, all things considered, before I got the text last month. I just hate that I still feel this way after so long. I’m so frustrated that I have been pouring my blood, sweat, and tears, harder than ever, harder than I have worked for anything else in my life (except perhaps my degree) into all of this healing work, but something like this still affects me so badly.

It feels wrong to cut off all contact with her. I really want to be healed enough to still have at least a casual acquaintanceship. I hope I can get a grip and not subconsciously spiral out every time I hear from her, but I don’t know if I can. I’m having to face the humbling possibility that I am still way too damaged to do it. And if I am still this damaged, why is it that the work I’ve been doing hasn’t been healing me? And what else can I try instead to actually reach this anger and fear and pain and release it? I want to heal so badly. I know that there is nothing for me here, stuck staring at a moment for the rest of my life. She chose to leave me. She chose to be with someone else. I respect that and I can stay here scraping myself raw against this truth and nothing is ever going to change it. I can’t go back to the past. But what I can do is keep moving forward into the future in spite of all of its terrible and beautiful uncertainties, if I can just keep going and not keep tripping when I stop turning to stare back at the past, if I can just start glancing instead of staring. My heart is so raw and scared and feel so fragile, like a new and ugly bird (hopefully kind of cute, still), but it’s it’s out there in the open and I am so ready for something good to happen again, to someday feel the irons fall from my soul and float again in the reckless trust and love and fearlessness I once I had. If I can just figure out how to do it, I would do anything to get the freedom of the soul back, to get all of myself back, no longer bleeding, but warm and safe and loved - by me and all the hearts I cherish.

I’m seeing my therapist on Thursday. I can make it.

[lenievi]

snw #9 (rewatch)

- hmmmmmmmmmmmmm La’an said she was with Dr. Sanchez, a headshrinker... is it the same Dr. Sanchez that was in TOS or is it just a name coincidence again (like Mitchell + Mitchell - even though we don’t know if that is just “a same name no relation” yet). Like Kyle is there now and will be in TOS too [like there’s nothing wrong with having same names, because people have same names without any relations, but it’s fiction].

- I still hate that they made Sam Kirk be the one insulting Spock (I mean as long as they also make it a thing with Jim Kirk at least once or twice in snw, then I’ll take it back, but if they ignore that Kirk was all “Will you try for one moment to feel? At least act like you've got a heart.” in WNMHGB then like it’s just erasing so much from their relationship) [I just want them to respect that Kirk wasn’t always respectful towards Spock; he did not understand Spock from the get go; sure he was impressed, he was intrigued, they bonded over loyalty, duty, mutual admiration, and chess, but Kirk was not 100% respectful until the very end. Still funny that their last conversation ever ended with Spock being “don’t be insulting” because Kirk called him human.]

- ah, okay, it was not just Hemmer’s death that affected Spock. It was Duke’s, too, and his own helplessness, then lowering his shields and then not being able to get them up again. I wonder if that will still continue in s2 (would probably explain a few things in the trailers). Kinda feels like they aim to completely break Spock, in order for him to become tos!Spock, but I feel like they forgot that Spock was still quite emotional at the beginning of s1 - smiling and shouting, still being quite violent etc. But we’ll see, maybe it’ll track. The thing is... Spock had a breakdown in Discovery, Kirk’s 5ym led him to Gol to purge his emotions*, and now they want to break him in order to make him less emotional... it just feels a bit too excessive

I guess this post is still very relevant...

* maybe that’s why they made it a point that it’s something all Vulcans do, so it doesn’t feel like Spock had a breakdown and decided to purge his emotions because of that, but rather as the next step on his path to being a Vulcan because that’s what Vulcans do (maybe that was always what it was supposed to be, but the fandom (novels included) made it appear to be something different idk, like I said, I haven’t seen TMP (and I ignore kolinahr when thinking about fics set in the movie era), but it always seemed like the general consensus was that Spock chose kolinahr because he couldn’t handle his emotions anymore...)

- I wish they showed more scenes between Spock and Hemmer. There was so much potential lost in s1, I feel, just because they focused too much on romance with Spock (again, as you could notice, I don’t mind the romance and I enjoy it, I just kind of don’t get why that was what they went with. I would also love to see more Pike and Spock’s scenes, because at this point they still just work with nostalgia and viewers knowing that they’re supposed to be close... but getting those scenes would just mean more Spock screen time, which is also not something I want, so it’s just ugh LMAO I mean as long as they keep any Spock and Kirk’s scenes also this shallow, then it’s fine lol)

- SST has the next preview picture be of Kirk and I’d hate that so much if that was my first time watching. Season 2 seems to have just promo pictures rather than a screenshot from the episode, which is way better.

- I think I might watch episode 10 and then start season 2 today too, but we’ll see. 

I do kind of nitpick and have thoughts lol but I genuinely enjoy SNW and am curious where some of the stuff will lead

[rize-is-writing]

If your still taking matchup request can I get a romantic one for genshin impact or bungo stray dogs? I would like to get both, but if you only want to do one then please do genshin impact! I’m a minor and don’t have a preference for female or male match. My pronouns are she/they.

Appearance wise I have brown hair??? I was blonde, but accidentally permanently dyed my hair black. It looks brown now that the blonde is growing in 🤔 I have blue eyes, and tend to wear glasses. My ears are pierced as well as my septum.

I am a Leo! I’m not a talkative person or a people person, but that changes once I get to know you. The closer you are to be the more mean I will be to you (as a joke ofc 🫶). I really do care for people, but honestly it’s quite hard to show it (hugs are the way to go fr). I’m a great listener and always listen to what my friends tell me. Even go out of my way to help them to the best of my ability. Since i’m naturally a quiet, antisocial person I don’t speak to people about my problems. If I ever were to speak to someone about it, it’s normally my closest friends. It’s probably obvious I don’t like social gatherings. I’m quite sensitive tbh 🧍‍♂️

I don’t think I have a lot of hobbies tbh. It normally just consist of the same things. I play video games a lot, the main game being genshin impact. If I’m not playing video games I watch anime, read manga, or…. sleep. Normally I wouldn’t watch TV or movies, but if I ever watch movies they are normally Studio Ghibli movies (Studio Ghibli supremacy 🧎‍♀️💪). When I’m not able to do any of that, or just don’t want to do any of that I listen to music. I like to space out and daydream when I listen to music. My last hobby is…….. theatre. Definitely doesn’t fit in with my personality. 🤝

This seems long, apologies for that. 🤧 Thank you though!

I found your match! Come to meet them, c'mon c'mon!

No worries for talking at first, Kenji definitely does all the work at first! In fact I think that among crowds or any kind of social gathering, he would back you up without hesitation at all. He's just like that, trying to protect you at any cost from feeling uncomfortable! For sure a sweet guy to be with I guess. Also very affectionate as well, probably would either be the one to start them or just wait for you to, but that would also be the thing he would do the most as well!

I don't see him having much of hobbies as well, being born and raised in rather rural place and doesn't have much knowledge about the city life or other things. But I'm sure he would be the kind of guy to bring you at the country side to relax together. Or watch studio Ghibli stuff together. I think he has a big studio Ghibli aesthetic on him, change my mind. So I think he would absolutely love them if you make him watch some!

A fellow theater kid, I feel like Yun-Jin's idea of dates is either bringing you around to watch some opera spectacles or just give you a ticket.

She is patient and kind, would definitely wait for you to be comfortable around her before starting anything, such as hugs and affection, definitely won't feel bothered by you "insulting" her jockingly, if that means that you are being closer together. Sure, wouldn't exactly retaliate but would be for sure endeared by the way you show her affection.

Once you begin to hug, I feel that Yun-Jin can become a force of nature on that! She is an affectionate person, and not afraid to show it. Ready to back you up as well when you feel nervous around people, either keeping you close or taking you away from the scene.

[unlikethemovies]

TRANSITION

When she was a kid, she played all the characters from the movies. She slipped into them like costumes. So all-encompassing, maybe they were skins instead. She paraded them through her bedroom, and the hallway in school, testing their limits, assessing their potential. Rewriting her scripts to fit their aspirations, their humor, their schemes. She gave it her all to portray them as authentically as possible, down to the way they spoke, moved, saw the world.

She was THE TEACHER’S PET when she learned all the parts of the scene she was in in the school’s play. When the day of the first run-through arrived and each student climbed up the stage with a white-knuckled grip on their script, she left hers on the chair. When up there, the words didn’t come to her, and she told the teacher she felt sick.

THE DELINQUENT when she invented a game of tag in the school’s washrooms that required slipping under or climbing over the dividers between the cabins. When the look on the teacher's face who finally caught them – one of her friends lying on the ground with his body halfway between two cabins – made her mates thump her on the back in laughing congratulations for hours after. When a snapshot of that disappointed pout the teacher gave her kept her awake for two months after.

THE WALLFLOWER when she went to prom and the boy who had asked her out danced with his friends the whole night.

THE HOPELESS ROMANTIC when she still texted him the next day to thank him for the nice evening.

Even THE VILLAIN. When she laughed about her friend behind her back, and that one day in her face, too. 

She hoped she would find a character that would make her feel like herself. Or convince them it was her. Whichever was fine.

But every skin itched, every line seemed clumsy to her own ears. Everyone else seemed to know their lines by heart. They talked so fast, made decisions so quickly, sometimes she wondered if they followed lines at all. She daydreamed and hoped and imagined, schemed and lied and manipulated. And yet, when she was knocked down, she wasn’t surprised. It was the recurring moment, the running gag, the motif of her story — building up to something and never living up to something.

(The Worst Person In The World, Joachim Trier, 2021)

For graduation, everyone received an envelope filled with notes from their classmates – good wishes, insults, promises, inside jokes. She spread the notes she’d received out on her bedroom’s carpet floor. Read through them, one by one. She didn’t recognize any of the persons they were addressed to.

(Unsplash Kelly Sikkema / Author)

In her first uni lecture, she turned to the boy next to her. “What were you like in high school?”

He stared at her for a minute, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I don’t know. Quiet, I guess.”

“Ah,” she said, turning back to her laptop. She didn’t type anything.

“I’m glad it doesn’t matter anymore here.” He was already looking at her when she looked up. “I mean, it’s a new beginning, right? I like to think of it as a new season. New side characters are being introduced. New plots.”

She let out a short laugh. “So you’re the main character in that allegory?”

An amused smile grazed his lips. “‘Course. What’s the point, otherwise?”

(Uptown Girls, Boaz Yakin, 2003)

[kisskawa]

— touch of you

“you ok?” your question cuts through fuzzy visions and the constant thrum of city noise in the background.

“yeah,” oikawa nods, “i was just-” his arm stills mid air, halfway into a point when he notices the paused tv. “just thinking,” he finishes lamely, biting back the urge to wince at his poor response.

he’s not lying. he was thinking. it’d been a long day and oikawa craved your touch. he’d been hoping you’d angle yourself ever so slightly to the side, giving his head a place to rest on your thighs. or that you’d sink into his side, hugging his arm to anchor yourself from melting completely.

but you didn’t.

and then oikawa’s want turned to guilt, pooling heavy in his stomach as the recognition of his selfishness surfaced. because you’re so kind and caring and you’d let him pick the movie tonight, and it’s taken some time but oikawa had learnt to understand how you love.

you’re not touchy. not one to thoughtlessly trail featherlight fingertips down oikawa’s abdomen or offer open arms mindlessly. instead, your shows of affection are quiet and subtle, barely there displays that seek only to bring oikawa some ease, some warmth.

and despite what you’d expected from someone with such a large presence and commanding nature, oikawa had been nothing but patient and willing and lovely.

he let you set the pace, encouraging smile enticing the actions from you whilst still remaining aware of your boundaries. the first time you’d linked pinkies with him had been after a series of careful brushes of the hand, sending electricity coursing through his veins, heart jolting and singing at once. but rather than let his excitement flood and overwhelm, oikawa had curled his finger around yours, settling for a pleased little grin and holding tight onto that feeling of happiness that always bubbled up when with you.

it’s a feeling you get too, tucked away next to your heart where you keep all things precious - fond memories, kind words and tooru’s smile. it’s a place only he’s familiar with. and it drives you to shift, leg swinging over oikawa’s lap so that your chests are pressed against each other’s.

your confidence is beginning to wane by the time oikawa settles, head dropping into the crook of your neck with a satisfied hum. his arms wrap around your torso, giving you a brief though tight squeeze as if beginning to recharge, as if to say thank you.

oikawa’s happiness spills in an instant. it’s as infectious as ever - at a family gathering, at flattering admiration and praise, at the end of a winning match - and it has your arms travelling upwards, coming to rest across his shoulders and behind his neck.

“what are you thinking about?” you murmur, voice low like you don’t know.

the corners of tooru’s lips peak up. a sign he’s thought of something entirely ridiculous to say.

“you.” it’s also the truth.

you try for a dismissive scoff, it comes out amused instead, dampened by your smile. “you’re awful,” you chide, groaning.

“you love it,” oikawa rallies easily.

“i love you,” you shrug, words flowing like second nature.

“now who’s the awful one?” oikawa beams, nosing your cheek, “the awful, cheesy, corny one.”

“you’re contagious,” you nod seriously, though wriggling threateningly on his lap as he continues to pile on wet, lovesick adjectives. your bluff is silently called, the both of you are fully aware you’d already decided against leaving for a while.

it’s a funny sort of statement, its meaning an insult but lined with all the adoration of a compliment. and it has tooru replacing his stock of sticky, fond words with a declaration of “i love you.” he couldn’t go too long without returning the sentiment after all.

his lips are pressed against your skin in hopes it’ll allow the confession to seep through directly into your heart, “i love you so much, you don’t even know.”

the chuckle that escapes you rumbles through into oikawa’s chest, filling him with joy. “course i do,” you comment matter-of-factly, eyes curving with pride, “i know everything about you, everything about loving you too.”

and tooru can’t help but boldly agree. because it took only a thought and you had found yourself comfy on his lap, wrists looped around his neck to pull him flush against you. it started perhaps slightly rough, actions somewhat rare, and still, greedily tooru thinks all the time in the world with you is too little. for, how could he ever have enough of your touch, of you?

lithe fingers play with the wisps of hair that fall upon his nape, a sly trick you’d long since learnt would make tooru turn boneless in your arms. and all bothersome cares and worries leave his mind.

throat suddenly syrupy thick, tooru replies to your affection with three taps at the base of your spine, just enough pressure to be firm and steady and sure.

you know what they mean too.

[imaginemrvel]

Heart Equals Home | Charles Leclerc

*Photo Creds: Dan Istitene via Getty Images*

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Reader

A/N: This is going to be a series, yes, the DR series was discontinued and archived because I couldn’t seem to understand where the plot line was going, I had major creative block every time I went to add more to it. I’m sorry for anyone who was following it but I may return to it in the future, I’m not sure yet. But for now, I want to start a fresh chapter with a new series and I hope you enjoy.

A/N: There is no summary for this because firstly, I can’t be bothered to write one and secondly, it’s pretty self-explanatory from the first chapter really. I’m writing in first person for this because I find it’s an easier way of writing plus when you imagine it as an ‘I’ thing, it becomes a lot more intimate and thus personable as well as realistic, and enjoyable!

Warnings: fluff, mentions of smut, clubbing, alcohol, swearing

Masterlist

My first love. A love that I never saw coming, a love that left imprints on my soul and would do so for all of eternity, or atleast for as long as I was alive. For months, I stayed up thinking about him, wondering where in the world he was, on an emotional and physical level.

I guess he went through a lot of torment, but he never opened up about it to me a lot, on the days that he did, it was the sort of stuff I’d hear in a movie as the main character corrected their path to one of redemption and justice.

But those days of digging up the past are over for me, in fact, I don’t even know why I ever did think about him so much because I never really was on the receiving end of an opportunity to tell him how I feel about him. No, how I felt about him.

Past tense, because that’s what it is, the past. It was something I was told by my good friend, Leya, if I just keep going back to the beginning then I won’t have enough time to continue everything else, because other people will get bored of waiting. I mean, she was referring to a long night of clubbing and the fact that I was entirely too focused on my makeup rather than my outfit but still, I found it moving enough.

“That dress is cute.” Leya’s head was perched up on her arms, her eyes raking over my figure as I twirled in the mirror. “The bottom half of the dress is shorter than my underwear.” I snorted, returning my gaze to her in the reflection.

“So fucking what? It’s Monaco, it’s once in a lifetime.” A groan left my mouth just as Carla entered, pushing her hair behind her shoulders. “Y/N, when was the last time you were here?” She innocently inquired as Leya tutted, “like years ago no? I still can’t believe you LEFT Monaco for America, that’s like leaving a gold mine for a cave.”

“I didn’t leave, my family moved Leya, it’s a part of life. You know how you moved from Liam to Jayce in the span of a week, it’s a part of life.” Leya made an insulting mocking noise and threw a pillow at me from behind her, but I expertly dodged it.

“Okay okay, but how long has it really been?” I sighed, combing through my hair with my fingers. “I don’t know, five years maybe?” My mind instantly went back to what life was like five years ago; small, meek, repetitive, but the one person that didn’t make it seem so dull was a person long gone from my life.

Before I could fall into a deep train of thought, I caught myself. “Five years? Jesus, you never came to visit?” Leya questioned, now sitting with her arms holding her up behind her.

“Monte Carlo got more expensive over the years, we couldn’t afford to. It’s only when I got my promotion that I.. well, am here,” I truthfully answered.

“What about all of your old friends?” Carla added but Leya turned to her annoyingly, “she has us? Who else would she ever need?” I nervously let out a chuckle and glanced between both of them, deciding to change the topic while I still could.

“Come on, we should get going.” I ushered and Carla turned on her heel to head into the bathroom where she left her purse, while Leya scurried to the mirror to take a look at herself close-up simultaneously nudging me on the shoulder.

I moved away when I heard my phone vibrate on the stand just below the TV. I skimmed over the message with my eyes, a smile on my lips as I clicked on it and read it out loud. “Eric and Zac are meeting us there, and apparently, Luca is finding his own way.”

I ended with a chuckle and Leya joined me, “Do you reckon it was truth or dare?” I smiled, not looking up from my phone as I typed out a response to him. “Oh for sure, but with alcohol, just to be on the frisky side.”

I shoved the phone into my clutch and brought it over my shoulder, hopping on one foot either way to get my heels on, once that was done, I looked around to see Leya behind me, reapplying her lipgloss for the millionth time while Carla was anxiously checking the time on her phone.

“Right girls, we ready?” I nodded, popping my ‘p’ on the end of my ‘yep’, and looked back to Leya just as she dropped the tube of lipgloss into her purse.

“Let’s get this night fucking started, PLEASE.”

I threw my head back in laughter as Eric mumbled a joke in my ear, the tip of his nose grazing my bare skin. “Stop.” I commanded but another laugh escaped my lips so he knew I wasn’t being serious, “do you know how hot you look in that dress? Fucking sinful.”

A blush creeped over my cheeks and my chest, I clenched my thighs together and there was a playful smirk on Eric’s lips, knowing what he was doing. “Behave, I’m not doing it in a club again, we both know how it ended last time.” His mouth turned into an ‘O’ shape as he remembered the fond story we both like to tell on the nights we get piss drunk.

“Poor man definitely let a little piddle out.” Placing a hand on his chest, I pushed him away with a wide smile on my lips, rolling my eyes too. “I’m getting another drink.” Eric nodded, squeezing my arm to grab my attention again, leaning in to ask me if I wanted him to come with but I shook my head, telling him there was no need.

I strolled over to the bar, planting myself on one of the stools and leaned on to the counter with both elbows on the marble, the cool surface in contrast to my sweaty arms sent goosebumps up my skin.

“Margarita, shaken please.” I ended with a friendly smile, my head tilting slightly to the left, the alcohol I’d already consumed hadn’t quite hit me yet but I was definitely starting to feel some effects of it.

My mind was a slight haze, not realising the bartender had slid my drink over to me until I forced my eyes wide open. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder, tensing up from the unfamiliar contact. If I elbow them, how far would they be pushed back? What if I just smashed this glass over their head, how much would it cost?

But I eased when he leaned into my ear, “I’m going to go and grab Luca, he’s lost himself somewhere.” I chuckled and whisked around on the chair, “you shouldn’t have let him walk here.” Eric winked and traced his finger along my jawline, “he insisted.”

Tilting my head up, he leaned forward as if to press a kiss to my lips but only smiled against them. I clasped my hands around his neck and pulled him into me, deepening it when he placed two hands on my waist. “Later.” I groaned annoyingly against his mouth which caused him to let out a sigh, “you’re going to finish what you started soon, baby.”

He tilted his head down to his jeans and I laughed, pressing a final soft kiss to his lips before unclasping my hands, pulling away. “I’ll tell Leya to be with you until I come back.” I nodded my head, my heart warmed like I was a teenage girl with a school crush.

He swiftly made his exit and I was left alone at the bar again. Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was staring, either from afar or really up-close, but someone was piercing their eyes into the back of my head. The alcohol was definitely starting to take effect, the room spinning slightly every time I turned my head so by the end of it, I decided to leave it be and let whoever was staring stare, plus take it as a compliment.

I lazily stood up from my seat, realising that the bar was getting busier so it was going to get a whole lot more cramped in the matter of minutes, even seconds. As I made my way through the ever-increasing group of people, I winced when I heard someone’s voice incredibly close to my ear.

At first, I believed it was Leya because Eric mentioned he’d tell her to come to me before he left but this one was masculine. The voice didn’t seem laced with alcohol or slurred, nor did the person who’s voice it belonged to touch me anywhere let alone inappropriately.

That was when my mind registered what the voice said. “I never thought I’d see you again.” My eyebrows subconsciously knitted together at the confusion of who it could be, maybe an old friend who noticed me from far away? Maybe a Monacan relative I haven’t seen in years?

The voice becomes a person when they walk around me so that I can see them in clear view now. The man’s hair was messy yet looked incredibly fluffy, the kind I’d want to run my hands through. Even under the club lighting and the booming music, his eyes were piercing, the green in them obviously apparent even from a distance, they were the kind I’d get lost in. His pointed nose and his pink plump lips, the kind I’d pepper kisses over every chance I got.

Except I have. I have ran my hands through that hair before, I have lost myself in those eyes before, I have left kisses over that nose and those lips.

Fuck.

“Charles,” I manage to breathe out. He smiles, he loves the way I mumbled his name, he knows the memories of us in our teenage years came flooding back to me like a harsh wave over the shore, much like they’d flooded back to him when he first saw me from across the club.

Neither of us say anything to each other, either because we didn’t know what to say or because we didn’t want to, instead we wanted to soak each other in, let our eyes wander over the other’s body, notice the tiny things that have changed because we’ve both been absent from each other’s lives for a long time.

He tilts his head towards an empty high-top table near the back of the club and I find myself absentmindedly following him, like a lost puppy finally reunited with its owner. He’s wearing a black shirt, prints of the brand marked on the shoulders, short sleeves.

His figure remained the same, but I guess that‘s a given if he chose to remain in the same career he was in years ago. Motorsport. Perhaps he’s a little bit taller, but I couldn’t be sure, I didn’t spend any minute with him judging his height, I spent those minutes with him in all of his glory, soaking him in, believing he was mine.

While my feet were carrying me to where he was going, I didn’t feel much inside of me. Maybe my stomach had flipped a few times or my breath had caught in my throat when I came to the realisation of who it was, but not much else. I liked that.

As he turned, I felt my legs weaken a little from the alcohol and he subliminally extended his arms out to catch me but I adjusted myself without his help, his arms returning back to his sides. There was a part of me that wished he did, so I could’ve felt what I did years ago, a yearn for his touch, for his attention, but I’m older now, I’m not a teenager.

He knew he couldn’t hold me anymore from the lowering look on his face, he must’ve saw me clasp my hands around Eric’s neck and pull him closer so I could feel his lips on mine. I felt ashamed at that, but I shook it out of my head, I don’t owe him anything.

“How are you?“ I asked, I watched as his eyes faltered a little, I guess there was a possibility he wanted me to say something else, anything else.

Maybe he wanted me to ask where he’s been all these years, tell him if my feelings for him have changed, pull him into me, but I couldn’t know for sure.

And this was awkward enough.

My eyes were rather widened, my mouth was slightly agape, my heart had begun palpitating under his gaze, he watched my every movement as if I would slip away if he looked away for a second.

I wasn’t sure why he was having an effect on me, but I guess it was because I was seeing the same man who once held so much substance in my life again, the man who I thought would never return.

“I’m okay.” His accent was as prominent as ever and I grinned at that, a man of layers I used to regard him as, maybe he still was. But I wouldn’t know, I mean how would I? We’re not friends but I guess we never really were even when we were close.

“You look.. great.” He paused for a moment before he finished, and a blush tinted my cheeks, it was a compliment, of course I was going to react to it, I would react like that regardless of who it was.

His eyes dragged over my body and I don’t know why but I adjusted my dress so it covered me a little more, suddenly feeling the need to be modest, mentally cursing Leya in my head for convincing me to wear it. But she didn’t know, I didn’t know, nobody knew this was going to happen tonight, neither did Charles.

His gaze met the floor, “so do you.” I returned, it is human nature to compliment them back if they compliment me first. At least, that’s what I was taught by my mum growing up.

“How, how long has it been?” I added, I didn’t want the conversation to end and by the way Charles’ eyes lit up slightly, he was pleased with my question. But I don’t know why.

“Five, six years?” He responded, even though it came out like a question rather than an answer. His jaw ticked, he couldn’t comprehend that it’d really been that long he’d gone without his first love by his side.

I wanted to tell him that I’d missed him, but I was mad, I was mad that he’d never attempted to find me as I’d attempted to find him the first year I’d gone without him. But he meant more to me then, not as much now, so I ignored that pesky feeling and pushed it aside.

“I’m sorry I-” Charles begun but he was cut off as his eyes fell to the approaching figure besides me, I followed his gaze and weakly smiled as Eric draped his forearm around my body, pressing a kiss to my temple.

I wanted him to continue but when I returned my eyes to him, his eyes were on the bar and his hands were tucked away into the front pockets of his washed-out jeans, his jaw clenched.

“Who’s this?” I breathed in and forced a smile on to my lips, trying to act as if the conversation had been a pleasantly surprising one, looking up at Eric. “Eric, this is Charles, an..”

I subconsciously paused, rattling through the options in my mind as to what I could use to introduce him as, the Monacan noticed my slight hesitation but he didn’t step in.

“He’s an old friend, from when I lived in Monaco.” Charles refrained from scoffing, meeting the gaze of the man who was eyeing him suspiciously. “Charles, this is Eric, my boyfriend.”

He forced a tight-lipped smile, taking Eric’s hand and shaking it before letting go. “It’s nice to meet you man, I’ve never met any of her mates from here.” He finished, running his hand up and down my back like he always does.

“I’m glad to be the first one.” He met my eyes and offered me a smile, one that I sceptically returned. He patted Eric on the shoulder before walking away, I wanted to turn back and see if he was watching me but I didn’t, he wasn’t a part of my life anymore, I needed to accept that.

“Wanna make a bet on how many of your friends we’ll run into tonight?” I hummed in response, lost in thought. “Let’s just get back to our friends.” Eric noticed my shift in personality and nodded, taking my hand and following me back to Carla and Luca.

The three got lost in a drunken conversation but my eyes were constantly scanning and searching the room, I don’t know what I was expecting to do or to say to him if I saw him, maybe I was hoping he’d finish his sentence, what was he going to apologise for?

For never trying to find me? For bothering me at the club? For never contacting me? For never becoming anything more with each other when we had an infinite amount of potential? What was it?

My mind was spinning in circles and somewhere, I half-wished he was feeling the same, wondering if there was anything left unsaid on my part, but how could I know?

“Dude, are you with us?” Lando cut Charles’ thoughts short as the Ferrari driver met his eyes.

“Yeah yeah, what’s up?” The Brit didn’t seem convinced that his mate was listening, trying to figure out where he was looking until he landed on the wrong group of girls that Charles definitely wasn’t looking at.

“Someone catch your eye?” He smirked as he questioned, the Monacan turned away from his friend and rolled his eyes, finding his oblivious nature entirely too amusing.

“No, definitely not, Lando.” The Brit groaned, wanting and needing something to entertain himself, which usually meant taking the piss out of one of his friends.

Charles couldn’t stop the feeling of waves of guilt and sadness washing over him, maybe if he’d met her again a year earlier, she’d have been happier to see him or she’d be single and not with a guy that she’s over the moon to be with.

She deserves that, someone who treats her well, someone who is able to fully commit his time and attention to her whenever she needs it, the one thing Charles couldn’t afford to give.

But he wanted to know more. He wanted to know what she did for a living now, did she follow her dreams that they used to talk about for hours and hours on the roof? He wanted to know what her favourite season was, did it change, did the reason change? He wanted to know if she knew anything about him, did she really forget or had she been clinging on to hope that they’d reunite just like he had for half a decade?

But she has a boyfriend, a group of friends, people she was willing to travel to another country with, clearly trusting and loyal people, she looked like she was doing really well for herself, her skin was glowing just as much as it did five years ago, her body he still yearned to reach out and hold, her hair he still wished he could comb his fingers through.

She seemed so close and familiar yet so distant and unusual.

It’d been a long night of drinking, and any thoughts of Charles or the conversation we shared or the unfinished sentence he left alone had been rid from my mind from the toxic invasion known as alcohol.

Me and Eric both left the club together and earlier than the others, unable to keep our hands off of each other in the back of the cab he called while I stupidly giggled away.

Rounds and rounds of sex, drunkenly hilarious kisses and cuddles diminished the wedge between us that I was scared Charles had created by simply making an appearance in my life again, but Eric is perfect for me. He loves me, cares for me, and doesn’t deserve to be thrown aside for a man who didn’t bother to find me for five years.

Eric falls asleep earlier than me, my naked body pressed into his side, his arm snaked around me while his other arm is tucked behind his head. I press a lazy kiss to his lips and another, running my hand over his chest and pressing a kiss to his collarbone before finally resting my head.

My head is blank as I grow tired, but I know it’ll be filled with thoughts the moment I wake up, along with a banging headache.

No pun intended.

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