#i do not care about the hostage but i do wanna hear you rant at me for 5 minutes | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ranmanjuu · 4 years ago

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—gen z mc with uesugi-takeda + misc. forces

ahh, i’m so glad people liked my gen z oda hcs! lol it’s usually pretty slow from my writing blog experiences until now, but i’m rlly happy! i was planning to do u-t and the others but then i decided to stop at oda and continue another day. thx for the asks tho! and yeah, i do take requests but it’s more of a pasttime, since this whole blog is just my stupid ideas written out and shared out there.

also someone said that a gen z mc could be old enough to romance the warlords, like, early twenties. and yes, very fair if u wanna romance ur mans with memes and existentialism go for it!! i just think it adds more to the comedy side of this child they have to babysit, while not fearing death or any consequences from their dumb of Ass decisions. someone who fears no death and armed with no braincells is a fool, but a Child who fears no death and armed with no braincells is also a fool, but more bizzare and has That Vibe y’know

@niphredil-14 and @arthotsglasses

tw: s*icidal, violent jokes treated in a light manner

also spoilers to some things of their characters

—kenshin:

who is this,, , sassy lost child??

he first saw you prepared to throw hands with ronins who were being Elite Dickheads. ofc, armed with nothing compared to the sworded-adults, he had to interfere.

no matter how cold he treated you, masking his secret !!!-like concern, you seemed so unfazed through it. you still interacted with him like normal,,,,, why?? do you want a death wish?

and each time he threatened you with,, anything, you responded with, “the only one who gets to hurt & kill me, is ME”

...... what?

he’s convinced you’re the biggest fool of a person. and he’d be right but even so, he has a weirdly strong need to protect you as you two got closer. you’re often with sasuke, so it’s harder to avoid you.

even with all the Horrible jokes you make on a daily basis, if your passionate side with everyone having equal rights of being treated as human, for him it shows a side of you that makes you seem precious and pure and kind hearted.

and the overprotective side increases.

which is, ,, a bit problematic sometimes cause you have the tendency to target and piss off anyone in a 10 meter range by just one (1) sassy comment, along with your lack of impulse control and blurting out everything in your mind. it’s made you a lot of short enemies in the sengoku period, and kenshin would always be ready to slice them down behind you.

sasuke has to tame him down with his Masters degree in kenshin-wrangling.

at banquets, kenshin would often have you beside him. if you’re too young for sake do age for drinking exist in sengoku? probably not. it’s more of sasuke advising for him to not give you alcoholic drinks he’ll have you pouring for him or just munching away at pickled plums or food.

—shingen:

(ngl i kinda had a hard time with this since it’s erasing a big part of his overall character,,, flirting)

once he heard the news that oda had taken in somone as young as you during honno-ji,, ,,,he’s in a very “how dare that demon >>:( taking such a pure soul,....”

and when you’re taken to kasugayama as a captive, you’re,,, surprisingly very calm and whelmed. you don’t have much sign of fear or anxiety in your overall demeanor meanwhile you’re busy dissociating and spacing out to feel those

you actually don’t seem to hate your captor. but shingen isn’t sure if your ‘fingerguns’ is a good thing or not cause it depicts you pointing guns @ him,, (dw is good shingen)

while yes being held hostage—no matter how good you’re being treated—isn’t ideal and kinda not very cash money, you consider shingen v chill. man has a kindheart!! “i diagnose you with good vibes.”

if he ever sees your righteous side, as everyone else, he’ll deeply admire you. he himself is someone who believes in such as well. and hearing the circumstances in the modern world regarding those things (blm, etc.) his heart truly does go out for you. he feels sympathy for such a young person like you having to take action

also your dirty humor around him, echigo’s player, kind of makes him question where and how you learnt it

and,, his illness.

through getting straight to the point and not falling for it each time he changes subject/dodges the question, you managed to get to the bottom of his illness. shingen himself thinks it’s not something you have to burden with knowing—you’re so, so young.

but that doesn’t matter to you. the world’s given you such a shit time, you’re mature enough to understand the situation at least.

and as he finishes his explanation, all there was is silence. it felt wrong to say any of your usual quips,, so all you did was slowly came there and hugged him.

that was more than what he’d ask for.

—sasuke:

oh hell yeah

you are in your element with him. the chillest guy to talk to, and probably the first one you’re the closest to

your phone was dead after like 2 days of use, and you were miserable while hideyoshi, like a typical parent, told you to go outside and into town. sensing your bad mood, sasuke asked what’s up. you deadpanned, “my phone game ended and now i’m ready to commit not breath.” you oslemnly look out in the bustling streets and clutched your fist like an Anime Protagonist, “those boomer memes were right all along... i am absolutely Miserable and Useless(^TM) without it.”

in response, you could’ve sworn he did the Anime Glasses thing as well, “then we at team Moderately Awesome Sengoku Ninja are happy to announce the launch of a DIY phone charger, made with the electricity from a fruit and the main functionality of a solar panel. and has more durability than samsung’s.”

there were Stars in your eyes now. with a big grin, you thank him, “i’d die for you, sasuke.”

“then perish.” he said with a blank look. (yukimura, in the bg: ???!!!??!??!?)

the next day he consentually breaks in through the ceiling and gives you the weird contraption. you’re now saved, soul-wise.

the memes start coming and they don’t stop coming from the two of you. in any situation. whether it’d be at a teahouse, or at a battlefield that can determine your life and death.

and you can have discussions about current world events, or the past ones, with him and he’d understand completely what you’re talking about. it’s those rare nights when you’ve been thinking and have a deep conversation with him in his room, and as an adult, it makes for interesting results as well.

the others are endlessly confused, but you’re both so unapologetically yourselves.

and he’s super protective if the circumstances are tough. he feels bad for dragging another person in the sengoku with him—much less when they’re so young like you.

if you’re enough of a lil shit, once you’re taken into kasugayama, in the nights where you can’t sleep because brain at what would be 3 am, you’d probably trudge over to his room and wake him up to tell him what kind of mind-blowing shit you realized.

—yukimura:

when he saved you from falling to your death, your reaction already set off weird Vibes inside him. what do you mean, “you stopped me from fleeing this fleeting world by the sweet embrace of death” ?!?!?! are you crazy?? yes

he doesn’t waste time getting blunt with you at all either.

once he goes into azuchi as a merchant, he silently observes you talking to sasuke for a bit. what’s with your weird language?? and crude humor???? never in his life has he met someone in your age act like that wtf

even so, he still operates on the basis of ‘‘if sasuke trusts you, i trust you’’, no matter how utterly concerned you make him feel

you have a dirtier mind than him! unsurprisingly. along with everyone else, you often tease the poor soul, a nd you’d gladly tell him what the innuendoes mean ( 69, etc.) and maybe sprinkle in some gay jokes in there

and why do you keep mentioning this “bromance between him and sasuke” ?? what us,,, a bromance????? and why is sasuke in it??

he takes you out to teahouses to eat chestnut dumplings and other desserts with you. you always seem to target the one he doesn’t like the most and have a bit of banter

your relationship is built on banter but what’s different rlly

he treats you much more maturely than other people your age. as in, he doesn’t pull back his punches in words most of the time. you don’t seem to around him also, it looks like.

and, he’s also very protective of you. he regards you as his little sibling, as rat as you may be. and he does care about you—he might just be a bit unwilling to say it

—yoshimoto:

you think he’s very chill, if a bit unique but who were you to judge. and he is, if you ever meet him in echigo or even azuchi

his big liking to art and something of apathy to people is osmething you can respect. there’s something about that kind of Vibe that you find oddly a mood.

and oh boy oh boy you wasted no time pulling up your phone and showing images of what art is in the future. whether it’d be a screenshot of anime, fanart, aesthetic-like ones, palette-themed—the whole shabang.

and, somehow, you were left ranting to him about how some artists in the future get it so shitty for theft, reposting, not crediting, the list goes on (please be a decent human being to artist, sincerely the author) and he can’t help but just listen in silence and kind of thinking about how you’re so passionate about the Struggles of artists. and it isn’t something he sees often in the sengoku era—where war rules most things.

and he does find art from the modern times interesting, how they’re so different and vast in styles. and not only that, it’s not like the future only has one major style like then, each hand can draw such different pictures and still have beauty in each. he appreciates and admires that.

and he does tell you his thoughts ^ while you give your own insight. it’s so fascinating to see someone like you having strong opinions on this.

because, well, rn art is a big thing in our lives as we’re stuck inside. a part of entertainment is looking at any media of art—and he finds his view of art and yours quite the same. you two came from a time of turmoil (one moreso than the other) but still think art isn’t exactly irrelevant just because it isn’t a cure to diseases or the Ultimate Weapon.

you had to Surgically Remove him from your phone so you can use it and to stop him from draining your battery looking at the art

and he often drags you out to town and admire pieces when you’re holing yourself in too much. your comments are always unknown to him, “radical”, “that’s one i can vibe with ngl”, and the list goes on.

and you occasionally call him pretty boy as a compliment rlly

—kennyo:

when you first saw him at honno-ji, and he won’t forget the one (1) line you gave him, all you said to his warning of ooo spooky demons was, “that’s lit fam gtg tho”

and that alone was enough to stun him for a few seconds

honestly you told the others of your meeting with kennyo before they told you it could be kennyo. just a throaway line of “oh yeah there was this dude with a scar across his face.” / “,,, ,....that’s kennyo. he’s really dangerous actually—” / “oh, poggers”

you’re probably kind of half the reason the oda forces found who dun it.

and it was an eye for an eye, kennyo himself found out that you were their child chatelaine, and very close to the others. as per his villain-schedule, he kidnaps you .

he laments about how “such a pure soul such as yours is not to be stained by the demon’s hands”

oh how Wrong he was.

you were the definition of the opposite of pure. and you seemed unfazed, which surprised kennyo but shrugged it off. he was willing to face you screaming and panicking, along with shouldering the sin of doing the deed. but instead, he was met with a raised eyebrow and, “this is unexpected and probably not welcomed but what am i doing here.”

he was stunned for a moment before explaining what he can.

“......... fuck.”

he cringed ever so slightly at your curse. but your attention seems to stray so quickly off of the fact that you were bounded and helpless, to the fact that you have the man doing unspeakable things to civilians and you absolutely don’t approve.

throwing your common sense to maybe be civilized, you went off on a rant of how human rights and how to not be an ass to him. all he could do was just listened, shocked to even cut you off.

when he did, he gave the whole ‘unsaved demon’ shtick, and you weren’t taking that kinda shit. he believed he was truly unsaved—you knew that. but that doesn’t make it okay.

eventually, he left you with a cold end of the conversation.

he admires your spirit in a way—but with what he’s experienced,,, it’s a bit of unreachable for him.

if at any point you saw the soft side of his with animals, you just gaped at him for a split second and whispered, “the gap moe is strong with this one.”

also old man died inside when you said that you’d fight god, along with many things.

all in all, to him, you’re insufferable. but weirdly,, fascinating.

you’ve totally ok boomer’d him once cause he rlly looks old

—motonari:

,,. if your speech to kennyo was bad, he’s going to rant hell.

motonari already knew you were interesting even when his men just spied on you. your behavior, so brash and impulsive, is going to be so fun to have, he thinks.

through some planning to stir up more chaos, he kidnaps you and brings you unto his ship. same as kennyo, you showed no clear sign of surprise, and that’s when he decided you were either used to this in any way, or a fool. both answers, he liked.

you’re kind of really confused on why he’s doing what he’d doing. “i get it, i like to stir up chaos myself but it’s harmless,, most of it—but not until the people are in danger, bitch.”

and by that line, motonari leans towards you with a deadly smirk, “now, i can bite, ‘kay kid? you don’t wanna be in the receiving end... do you?”

“do it, coward.”

and before he could let out even a wheeze of laughter, you continued on on a lecture of, again, not being a dick and letting people live their life in peace. and much less all of this damage, for what? chaos?? yeah you wanted to see the world burn but it wasn’t literally.

however, his patience was running thin. he shuts you up forcefully, and leaves.

even so, after a cooldown period, he still talks to you (,,,, well, that’s kind of a generous term) because, right he was, you were so fun in his eyes.

an interesting observation he made,,, was that you picked up on his big dislike of physical contact. and he’d think with how annoying you were at times, that you’d weaponize it. but you didn’t—in fact, you kept your space (not that you were planning to get close) and respected his boundaries.

he thinks you a bit of peculiar for that decision, some wary, and perhaps naive.

one of the days—the more dangerous ones—he was planning to take you to the oda as bait or something. and you weren’t taking it like that. two days before arrival, a storm racked up. you stood upon the edge of the ship with the rest of the crew watching you like you were a madman.

“the oda won’t want me if i’m dead, would they now?”

motonari stands in his composure, guffawing, “all i need is to make sure they believe you’re alive, kid.”

a smile that showed absolutely no fear and 1000 percent spite spread in your face, “not unless i decimate my own body until all the trail left is my blood. the only one who gets to do that shit to me, is me.”

finally, a look of wavering shows in his face.

you were saved last minute,, and the rest is history.

#ikemen sengoku #cybird ikemen #ikesen #ikesen kenshin #ikesen shingen #ikesen sasuke #ikesen yukimura #ikesen yoshimoto #ikesen kennyo #ikesen motonari #ikesen uesugi takeda #*writing #gen z mc #god i hope my Lack of Ability isn't shown in how other characters are written longer than others #and how i might've badly Fucked up their characters #i've done like.. 3 routes and that knowledge is all i have #stans pls don't @ me #pretty sure i had more i wanted to add here but #aha brain's memory go brrrrrrrr

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shewantedtobeasecretgirl · 4 years ago

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10. Bathroom wall (Part Three) a.k.a. a queen bee, Prince in the shower and a backup Casanova

In the previous parts: The bunch spends a free evening in a bar, where local girls are trying to get closer to the band members. Dave suggests Jeff that he should make Judy jealous but she’s too busy with being outraged about a girl named Claudia dancing with Stone. Finally, Claudia backs down; after a fight with Stone, Judy reveals to Karrie, that her made-up stories about Stone had to do something with her reaction. In the meantime, Mike is feeling sick and refuses Karrie’s advice to take his health issues more seriously. She also shows him pictures of Effie but Mike’s evening ends with a surprising twist. Judy tries to calm down with the help a relaxing shower but she gets unexpected company in the common bathroom…

@shadowsonoureyes I think I almost completed your drabble challenge 😉

“I got a lion in my pocket and baby he's ready to roar…”

God, I wish this was only a nightmare and I woke up suddenly realizing nothing of this madness has happened actually, maybe I could even laugh at the whole setting. But now, laughing is the last thing I feel like doing, I’ve been standing here since who knows when, I’m freezing, I wanna finish my shower, I wanna dry myself, I wanna get out of here… this with the lots of “wannas” sounds like some random lyrics of The Ramones… But as things stand at the moment, I’ll grow old and die here because this skinny hippo has been splashing beyond the wall for at least fifteen minutes, performing the longest and most inconsistent mix of Prince songs ever, deliberately altering the lyrics, changing the range of lines or even skipping some of them whereas repeating other ones infinitely like a broken record player.

“You got the horn so why don't you blow it…”

Actually, I’ve even started playing with the idea of turning the water on again, maybe this capybara enjoys listening to his own voice enough not even to hear it. But no, that’d be too risky. But I could definitely get rid of the shower gel bottle to be able to rub along my body against cold, I’ve been squeezing that little plastic flask at full strength since he entered here, as if it could help me become invisible. I slowly stoop to place it on the ground in the corner feeling like a compromised spy who’s ordered to put her weapon down without making any suspicious or ambiguous move; but due to the slippery surface under my soles I lose my balance and as I catch towards the wall to prevent myself from falling I drop it… and it lands with a loud crash in the metal shower tray. Fuuuuck… I freeze immediately and perk up my ears holding my breath trying to figure out if he heard it too… of course he heard it, it was as ear-splitting as a rocket launch but maybe he was too distracted and…

“Is somewhere there? Who’s that?”

He heard it…

“Who’s that? Scully? Is that you? Don’t be so shy, we’ve known each other for ages, I’ll even wash your back if you need help…”

Okay, Judy, you can’t hide any longer, you have to find out something, anything… what if I just ran out with a battle cry and grabbed my towel and… okay, maybe something more discreet would be more adequate.

“Scully? I’m coming over…”

“NO!!!” I scream.” It’s not Scully… it’s me… Judy…” I manage to reveal my identity only for the third attempt since my voice won’t obey and insists on sounding comically high-pitched. “And thanks but I’d skip the offer, I can reach my back.” Jesus, I don’t know why I’m babbling this, it’s like…

“Oh… I didn’t know it was you. Actually, I thought I was alone, you were so silent… I couldn’t even hear the water running at you…”

“Because… because… it wasn’t running since… it’s a part of my shower routine, I begin it with hot water then I turn it off and stand a few minutes until I start feeling I’m freezing, this method works wonders on the blood circulation…” I basically yell the end of my bullshit excuse since I turned the water on in the meantime to finally put an end to this awkward situation. Unfortunately, when I turn it off, I can hear he’s still humming, seriously, how much time does he need to dry his balls?

“Anyway… you were right.” he speaks up out of the blue.

I was right? Meaning what? You’re a pervert? You’re a bitch who would bang everything that moves?

“The acoustics in this room are truly excellent.”

You don’t say…

‘I’m flattered by the fact that once in a blue moon you are willing to agree with me. And, uhm, I’m ready with my shower and as you’ve probably already noticed, my towel is hanging on the wall on the other side so… so I’d feel honored if you left…”

“If I left?”

Yes, I mean get the fuck out you pig, you heard it well.

“Why would I leave? I want to enjoy these fascinating circumstances a little bit longer…“

I should have known this wouldn’t be easy, this must be like a dream come true for him: holding me hostage, taking advantage of my miserable situation…

“But seriously, just listen: I really get a dirty mind whenever you're around… Awesome!”

I roll my eyes so hard that I can see my own frontal lobe… Being forced to listen to Stone’s falsetto serenade while being butt naked, fuck, I didn't know what I was missing in my life until now.

“What do you want? Should I sing a fuckin’ duet with you for my freedom?”

“That’s not a bad idea, actually… what about Together Forever by Rick Astley?” I hear him snapping with his fingers and giggling at his brilliant idea.

“Well, the performance of Under Pressure would sound more honest from my mouth right now…”

“You’re just so negative, nothing can please you today seemingly. But as a sign of my generosity, I’m ready to give you that towel.”

How can a voice be so irritating? This nasal tone with the mannered Northwestern accent makes sound everything what he says extremely annoying, I could punch him even for citing the headlines of a newspaper.

“Ha-ha, very funny, Gossard. But let’s skip your cheap tricks and move your aaa…self out of here.”

“Cheap tricks? I don’t think there’d be anything interesting to see here, plus, you’re forgetting about a very important factor: I’m out here wearing a towel whereas you are in there wearing nothing so it is me who makes the rules. But, again, I’m a genuine guy so I give your towel to you, all you have to do is to ask me.” the pain in the ass goes on with his rant.

“Okay. GIVE ME THAT FUCKIN’ TOWEL!” I scream angrily stomping of helplessness.

“Why do you have to be so rude? You’re hurting my sensitive soul all the time; if you want me to cooperate, you have to be kind and ask me nicely.”

Once I get out of here, I’m going to fuckin’ kill you, I swear, I’m going to kill you ten times, I’m going to kill your reincarnated bodies too even if you will be reborn as a cute kitten or a baby giraffe…

“GIVE ME THAT FUCKIN’ TOWEL! Please?” I yell again and append a fake, cheesy appeal to my words.

“You see? It sounds immediately completely different.” he snickers satisfied.

“Okay, but we have to clear the logistics first. I think the least awkward way would be you standing facing the door, handing the towel backwards to me and I would reach out for it and…”

“Do you really think I wanna peep?” he asks with amused smugness in his voice.

I do? I don’t? Shit, there’s no right answer to this question, I mean, I’m not interested in him at all, I don’t care what he might think about my look, my body, I don’t even know whether he would think anything at all or he’d just act neutrally like I wasn’t a woman or human at all but fuck, I’m a human, I’m a woman, I could be the possible subject of a guy’s interest too and when I mean “a guy” I don’t think necessarily about him although he’s a guy too…

“I don’t give shit about what you want, what I want is to minimize the level of my retinal damage by not seeing your face, so please do me a favor, turn away from me and give me that goddamn towel.”

By the time I’ve finished the sentence, a pale body with something bright blue at waist-level appears on my horizon with funny side-sliding steps. He’s standing with his back to me, as far as I can judge it even without my glasses, my assumption is only based on the dark trail of his hair on his back. Or he’s an aberrant psychopath who covered his face with his hair to deceive me. He pulls my towel off the wall… okay, that means he’s truly facing the opposite wall unless his shoulders are especially flexible… damn, he reaches it backwards to me lifting his arm to the same height… I’m still not sure about his exact posture…

I slowly walk to the edge of the shower tray, hesitating for a few seconds which one of my body parts I should keep covered before reaching out for it. With a deep sigh, I opt for my breasts and try to grab my towel but there’s still almost a one-yard distance between our hands.

“Stone… you’re too far… could you come closer?” I moan in agony.

“Interesting… until now, you wanted me to go away and now you’re asking me the opposite. Or you’re just trying to trick me into touching you and then get me arrested for sexual assault… no, Camden, I don’t buy it. Anyway, walking backwards is dangerous, what if stumble and fall and break my neck? It’d be safer if you came out of your hiding place, you can’t spend the rest of your life there when I’m gone, I don’t care…”

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this but I obviously have no choice… I approach him with sneaking steps while terrible thoughts are chasing each other in my mind… What if he can rotate his head 180 degrees like owls? What if he’s got extraordinary eyes like chameleons and due to his particularly developed peripheral vision he can see basically everything around him?

As I finally touch the terry cloth fabric, I immediately tear the towel out of his hand and wrap it around myself. His arm swings automatically back to his body as if it was pulled by a spring and while I pull back into my shelter to dry all my body parts, he keeps standing at attention on the same spot.

“Ahem… I’m ready so… you can go…” I make an attempt to get rid of him.

“You’re not a quick learner… and you’re pretty ungrateful… I haven’t heard the magic word yet.”

I can’t believe this. And I can be grateful to him for not humiliating me even more…

“Thanks…” I mumble.

“I didn’t understand it… it’s strange, the acoustics in that corner must be different, it absorbs sound waves…”

“Thank you, Stone Almighty Gossard, nothing could express my eternal gratitude, you’re my savior, I’d be nothing without you, from now on, I’m your slave!!!” I shout paying special attention to my articulation.

“Could you hear the echoes too? Much better.” he clicks with his tongue satisfied and disappears from my sight with the same hilarious moves he made earlier. “Good night, Judith, and if you happen to have erotic dreams this night, please keep them for yourself, I’d feel embarrassed if you told me about it…” he adds and as I open my mouth for some snarky retort, I hear the door slamming.

Finally. This… prick is just unbelievable, after his performance at the bar he thinks he did me a favor by not behaving a like a perv? And erotic dreams? Come on, I’d rather puked myself to death of his sight.

I have to use the awkward choreography I invented earlier to get back to my stuff I left on the chair, although I myself don’t really understand either, why, I’m alone after all... As I lean down for my glasses, my fingers reach out for… nothing. They’re gone! I grope the whole chair along… still nothing! I put down the shower gel bottle and try to crouch down to check the floor under the chair, which is not easy to do at all without exposing my intimate body parts. I keep adjusting the towel with my left hand while I try to scan trough every inch of this goddamn place with the other one and I’m about to drop the freakin’ towel when I hear a weird noise from behind my back. Snorts… silent snorts… like someone was suppressing laughter… oh shit. That moron, that son of a bitch… he’s Satan, I told it.

I straighten up as fast as I can, I can only hope he didn’t see my backside or my nipples or… why can’t I die here and now without more suffering?

As far as I can see him without my spectacles, he’s leaning against the sink and checking me out with folded arms.

“Taking away my glasses? That’s the most creative idea you could find out? Seriously, where are we, in third grade maybe?” I attack him but in the meantime I realize I should calm down, seeing me being upset is probably his favorite entertainment. “Okay, Gossard, go ahead. I don’t know why you crafted this vicious plan with trapping me here, taking away my glasses, stalking me… let’s get over with it, whatever you want…” I shrug resigned.

“Firstly, I didn’t know you were here, I just came in since I have the right to have a shower too. Secondly, I have nothing to say to you, it is you who should talk.”

“Me? Do you think I want to have a chit-chat with you here and now? Are you completely nuts? Just give back my glasses and get out of here!”

“Well, that has a price.” he answers irritatingly slowly, I can hear clearly he’s grinning.

“Is this a blackmail?” I scream outraged.

“Why do you have to use always such tough words? It’s a… mutually beneficial offer. You want your glasses whereas you also owe me an apology and I’m ready to accept it.” he explains with fake generosity.

“I’m not gonna beg you, you idiot.” I hiss between my teeth and grab towards his hands but I’m not fast enough to catch him off guard. He raises his arm high before I could get my property back and smiles down at me with a smug expression.

Does he want me to bounce like a puppy? Well, I won’t. Actually, the only possible weapon that comes to mind is as childish as his stupid little trick but the end justifies the means… But I have to be quick since my one hand is busy with keeping the towel around my body and I don’t want to grope him for too long time either. But he didn’t leave me any other choice, unfortunately.

“Fine, Stoney…” I pretend giving in. “You’re right. So listen to me carefully because you’re not going to hear this from me too often…”

“I’m all ears.” he spreads out his free arm.

Piece of cake.

“Sooo…” I approach him cautiously “Stoney, I just want to say… TICKLE ATTACK!!!” I yell and poke my fingers between his ribs.

The effect is beyond expression. He immediately doubles over letting out a wide range of animal sounds and it only takes a few seconds to tear out my spectacles of his hand maintaining the offensive with my other hand.

“Ha, victory!”I yell chuckling at his convulsion but as I hear a weird noise over his whining, I immediately stiffen. “What was that?”

“What’s… what?” he asks still groaning.

“Didn’t you hear that? I think someone slammed the door…” I stutter as I place my glasses on my nose. “And that means someone had opened it before… and maybe saw us…”

“Bullshit. And even if it happened as you think, all that could be seen was you committing sexual harassment on me so…” he smirks sassily leaning back against the sink.

What an obnoxious asshole. And he’s also wearing flip-flops, which I’ve always hated on men, seriously, I could slap him with them…

“Sexual harassment? I would rather jump on a male tapir than engaging into an erotic intermezzo with you!” I tuck my hair nervously behind my ear.

“You and a tapir? I wish I could see the offsprings…” he keeps grinning and flips his wet hair back… actually, it’s surprising, usually, he’s not a big hair washer. A tiny waterdrop is swinging on the end of one of the dark strands that are wavier than usual, this must be their natural state… then the drop slowly falls on his shoulder and follows the line of his collarbone, changing direction at his neck only to gain momentum and now it’s pulling a trail along his flat stomach and…

“Ahem…” he clears his throat “shall we go? Or do you want to examine my naked body for a while?”

“Let’s go” I start like I was waking up from a dream and I can feel my cheeks are burning for some mysterious reasons. “But you go first, I don’t want to make myself ridiculous in front of more people tonight.”

“Okay, okay…” he walks out with lazy reluctance. “All clear!” he shouts and I put my head out of the door to check he’s not trying to trick me again. How can he walk so leisurely, isn’t he bothered by the fact he’s almost naked? And why did he wrap that towel so tightly around his waist that it shows every curve of his…body parts…?

“Do you want to spend the night in there?” he suddenly turns back and I can only hope I managed to look away fast enough.

“No… no…I’m coming…” I mutter and follow him in duck walk, squeezing my toiletry bag.

He stops at his door and leans with one shoulder against the door jamb, of course he wouldn’t miss out my clumsy performance.

“Wow, gracious. You were born to the catwalk.” he giggles.

“Shut up or I scratch your eyes out!”

“Okay-okay but I hope we can agree that we’re even.” he waves an imaginary white flag.

“We are. And I say now good night before you happened to die under unclear circumstances.”

“Good night, Miss Hundred Pounds of Concentrated aggression.”

His audacious grin mellows into a boyish smile and I don’t know if I am only hallucinating or for a fragment of a second, he scans me from head to toe…

He pushes himself away from the wall and disappears in the dark room, leaving me frozen in the hallway. I stumble back to my room and I plop down on my bed. But what was that stare? He was probably just mocking me as usual, he’s surrounded by beautiful girls and he must find my dwarf body structure ridiculous. But he said we’re even… I stare at the toiletry bag on my lap, although I didn’t turn on the light, its pattern is clearly visible in the street lights filtering through the torn curtain. Musical notes, treble keys… wait. He claimed he didn’t know it was me in the shower. But who else in the bunch would have a bag with these motifs? He knew it was me. He knew it and he still came in. He wanted to humiliate me, it wasn’t just an embarrassing coincidence. Stone Gossard, we’re everything but even.

***

„These piggies are so cute.”

“Yes, they are totally adorable.” Layne agrees observing them with a tender smile. “Look at their mom, how patiently she’s bearing as they’re pestering her… geez, some of these little fuckers are pretty aggressive… look at that one!”

He points at a spotted piglet which is the greediest in the bunch; I don’t know much about domestic animals, I can only guess he’s a tiny boar. He’s tossing away all his siblings to get free access to his mther’s teats and even after he gets one of them, he keeps her poking with his power outlet-shaped nose. Well, moms are the most patient creatures on earth, I’m sure I’ve caused a lot of trouble to mine too…

“I wonder if we can stroke them, their hair seems to be so fluffy…”

“A bit later, now it’s mealtime. Their mother is very protective of them, she would bite your fingers off… I think she’s going to pass out in a few minutes, you can try to grab one of them while they’ll be playing around her.” the farmer-looking guy answers. He can’t be much older than us but he speaks in a slow, prudent manner, which makes him sound like a grandfather. He must be an employee of this place… whatever this place is…

“Effie would love them.” Layne remarks, still fascinated by the nursing process.

Effie? Layne knows Effie? Interesting.

“Is she here too?” I stutter confused.

“Of course, dude, you bought her here, remember?” Layne glances at me and raises one eyebrow.

“Really? And where is she know?” I scratch my chin still not understanding how she got in the picture.

“She stayed in the house. She was interested in the greenhouse and the gardener happened to be there, you couldn’t drag her away from the orchids. Seriously, Mike, are you stoned our what? You should take more care of your girlfriend if you want to take this thing between you seriously.”

Girlfriend? Effie is my girlfriend? Okay, that sounds strange too not that I want to complain…

“And… what’s that house you mentioned?”

“Shit… I’m not gonna help you out with weed ever again, this stuff has obviously terrible side effects on you, you’re like a drunk goldfish. Hey, Jer, tell to this asshole where we are!” he shouts at his approaching bandmate.

“Estamos a la hacienda Cantrell, hombre! This my ranch! And in a few hours, we’ll be eating the best food you’ve ever tried, Consuela is the most badass cook in the entire world! But we have the whole afternoon, I want to show you my new golf course, we could even play, I have tons of golf clubs, I can lend you one of them…”

Wait, something’s wrong here. I know they have their share of success because of this Seattle madness too, not that they don’t deserve it, they are a fuckin’ amazing band but I never knew Jerry had a ranch, I mean, it must have cost a buttload of money and however much I like him, I must admit he’s not that type who prefers savings to poker, dope and strippers.

“How… how long have you owned this… this huge farm?” I wave around clumsily trying not to sound too stupid.

“For like… ages…? Hahaha, man, I know my beautiful maids drive every man crazy, that was my point when casting them and choosing their uniform. But you can’t complain either, I checked the little blondie out, nice catch! That cola bottle-shaped body, damn…” the skirt-chaser underlines his words by drawing the mentioned contour in the air flashing a filthy grin. I don’t like this tone, I don’t like the idea of Jerry talking about Effie or looking at her, fuck, I don’t even like the idea of any member of Alice In Chains staying in the same state as her for more than three seconds.

“But first, we have to choose the dinner. Which one do you want?” the guitarist nods towards the pigpen and knowing his dirty humor, I’m not sure whether he refers to any food-related or he’s called hookers or what?

“How… how do you mean?”

“Mike, this is definitely not your day, just pick one!” Layne giggles glancing amused at his bandmate.

“But… what?” I still don’t get where this whole thing is going.

“Geez man, okay, I”ll do it for you. Come on, little dudes, it won’t hurt, I promise you!” Jerry leans over the fence and grabs two piglets by the skin around their neck.

“No, no, are you trying to say we’re gonna eat them? No, never, this is the cruelest thing I’ve ever heard, you can’t…” I protest shocked but the asshole doesn’t give a shit about me and carries the two victims under his arms to the pickup standing close to us. He ignores the desperate squeals of the poor little things: he throws them in the truck bed and climbs after them.

“Jerry, where are you going? You can’t… stop, don’t do that, man!” I yell almost crying but he just keeps laughing with that typical, pedophile Santa Claus laughter of him.

“What do you think, for what purpose do I breed them? They are cute and all but just think about a crispy, red, roasted pig spinning on a skewer over the fire… yummy… Consuela has a secret recipe, it’s delicious. I takes hours to prepare it, though, but I think I can keep myself busy until then, you know, that blondie is waiting only for me…” he winks and I catch to my stomach. Effie… Jerry… no, that can’t happen, I think I’m going to vomit, Jesus, this is terrible…

He pats the side of the truck bed twice, signaling to the driver that he can start the engine.

“Yes dude, until the pork gets ready, I’m gonna bang Effie… bang Effie… bang Effie… bang Effie…”

His words get mixed with the squealing of the piglets and the roar of the engine and the terrible sounds keep echoing in my head distorted by the Doppler-effect until the car disappears on the horizon.

“Bang Effie… bang Effie… bang Effie…”

…

I wake up with a start. My heart is beating so fast that it almost rips my chest, the blanket is soaking wet of my sweat, even my hair is stuck to my head and neck. This was the worst nightmare I’ve had in the past years… wait… if it was a dream, why can I still hear the snorts?

I slowly turn my head in the direction of the sound and suddenly, everything falls into place. The girl with whom I spent last night is snoring next to me… Her red lipstick and black eyeshadow is smeared all over her face making her look like a slutty panda bear and the little stream of drool in the corner of her mouth makes it even worse. Thus passes worldly glory… not that I have any right to criticize her look, I must look like crap too and honestly, I also feel like that. My head is about to explode, my intestines are burning… but I can only blame myself and that bottle of pure vodka we consumed last night together. At least the sex was satisfactory... yes, satisfactory is the best term, not more, not less. The beginning was creepy, though, with those weird outbursts of her about her nonsense prohibitions… I mean, who the hell wants to do stuff like that? Poor girl, she must have had hard sexual experiences. But that cowboy roleplay could have been even good with the hat and slight bondage elements and all… but her exaggerated behavior kept it in conditional. After all, we both got what we wanted and I don’t have to feel guilty. I didn’t force her, she offered, I just played along… it was basically her who fucked me. I don’t know if it had anything to do with me being the guitarist of Pearl Jam but even if it has, come on, is that really such a terrible crime if the “also ran” member of the band takes advantage of his situation once in a blue moon? The girls are never cueing in front of my hotel door, I deserve to have blast when a rare occasion occurs for some mysterious reason. And I don’t owe anyone any explanation, the guys and Eric are not my chaperones, I’m a single guy with needs and I can’t live in a fantasy world for good, pathetically sobbing after someone I haven’t even met yet, right?

Hydration. That’s the first thing I need right now. The only problem is that she’s sleeping with her limbs spread in four different direction and her left arm happens to rest on my chest. Shit, I wish I had left after we finished it as I always do after one-night stands, it spares both the girl and me awkward morning scenes, these things are not about romance, anyway. But this time the sex was intense and the booze was kick-ass so we both must have passed out after getting on top.

I try to slide out of the bed basically in horizontal position placing the pillow on the same spot where my upper body used to be hoping she’s sleeping deeply enough not to notice the change. I freeze when she lets out a few louder snorts after my maneuver but after a few satisfied smacks, she calms down and keeps snoring. I tiptoe around the bed to collect my clothes and I found all of them except my boxers… fuck, she must be lying on them. After a few seconds of hesitation I get dressed without them, they’re clean since I didn’t have any “accident” yesterday so trying to get them back is not worth risking.

I silently walk out in the kitchen and immediately spot a few bottles of mineral water on the counter… but taking one of them would be stealing, right? But if I turned the water on, she might wake up… I open all of the cupboards until I find a larger glass and turn the water tap cautiously until a thin spout starts running from the pipe. It takes a while until I fill the glass with this method but I gulp the content of it with one breathe in a blink of an eye.

My rumbling stomach directs me to the fridge, even if I don’t want to take anything, I can check its content, right? The cool breeze feels unbelievably good as I lean into it… let me see… further bottles of water, some milk, a piece of moldy cheese which probably isn’t supposed to be moldy, expired yogurt and a bunch of bananas. Shit, banana is my favorite fruit, the best resource of potassium and I’m dying to eat one. But I decided not to steal anything… but come on, it’s only a banana.

As I’m about to leave the crime scene, I notice a notepad and a pencil on the table. Maybe… maybe leaving a note would be a polite way of giving an explanation for what I did, right? Yeah, that’s it! Okay… “Dear…” Fuck, what was her name? Clarissa… Claudette… CLAUDIA! “Dear Claudia,” Shit, this is going to be harder than I thought… should I thank her for the sex? “thanks for the evening. I didn’t want to wake you up so…” so I ran away like a coward “I decided to say bye in this note. I was really hungry so I served myself with a banana.” and last night I served you my banana, Jesus, I’m a gross pig. “Sorry for doing it without asking, as an apology, I drew you another one.” I try to sketch the schematic picture of a banana but it looks like a nonfigurative or even phallic symbol from any possible angle. Shit, I can’t leave it like this. Luckily, the pencil has a quality eraser on the top so I can make the terrible scribble disappear and correct the message. “I drew you the only thing I can draw:” I close my eyes to recall the logo I’ve copied everywhere more times than anything else… “KISS” at least I can still do it… I go over the message again, I think it’ll do the trick. “I wish you the best, Mike”. I stop in the kitchen door on my way out. Even a KISS logo can’t undo a theft. I should offer her some compensation… I walk back and grab the pencil again. “Ps. Next time we come to Charlotte, I’ll invite you for a coffee.” But what if we bump into each other anywhere else? “Of course I also invite you in case we encounter anywhere else.” Okay, ‘Cready, you don’t have to write an epistle, you don’t have to surpass Tatiana, just leave finally before she wakes up. But what if… what if she doesn’t like coffee? Now that I glance around, I can see no coffee machine here… “Ps2. In case you don’t like coffee, my offer applies to tea or soda too, of course.”

Okay, enough, she won’t even notice, who the hell takes inventory about bananas? I shake my head, take a deep breath and sneak out of the apartment.

***

Coffee. The first thing that comes to mind in the morning. I know I drink way too much coffee but caffeine addiction is sort of an inevitable outcome if you’re a rock musician at nights and an espresso guy at daytime. Of course the receptionist or janitor or whoever confirmed my initial aiming: this shitty motel doesn’t sell any food or drinks apart from the broken vending machine in the corner of the lobby. He also said I can take all of its content if I manage to fix it. No, thanks, the late seventies-looking chips bags with their probably fossilized content aren’t particularly tempting.

I’m heading to the bistro on the other side of the street, it’s probably not much better than that place but a coffee without hair in it and a decent breakfast would already satisfy my needs. On entering I must admit, the smells are better than expected and as soon as I take place in a booth, a polite waitress appears at the table handing me a menu and producing a cup out of the blue. She immediately fills it with the hot beverage I was longing for. A cigarette would feel good with it too but there’s no one around I could grub from…

I’ve taken only a few sips of my precious drink when I see a familiar hat appearing at the entrance and in a few seconds, its owner plops down opposite me, munching a banana.

“The prodigal son has returned, huh?” I remark with a wide grin.

“I know you missed me, just admit it.” he answers with a deadpan. “God, I’m starving…” he grabs the menu and begins to study it.

“A coffee, sir?” the waitress emerges again and spills coffee in his cup too without waiting for the answer. “What can I get for you?” she inquires helpfully as she pulls a small notebook with a pen out of the pocket of her apron.

“One Aspirin and a bullet in my head, please.” Mike groans with a dark face.

“Excuse me sir?”

“Give us a few more minutes, please.” I try to send a “don’t ask” signal with my eyes and it seems to work because she leaves with a confused nod.

“The last time I saw you, you felt sick. But somehow you must have resurrected like a phoenix from its ashes since you were out all night… so… go ahead.” I lean back but my bandmate is avoiding my gaze, turning his head around like he was distracted by the interesting furniture of the diner.

“Look, it’s Judy over there!” he shouts pointing at the counter.

“Mike… no… please…” I groan in pain but it’s too late.

“Hey Jude!” he shouts and waves frantically.

Great… I bury my face into my palms.

Unfortunately, Mike comes to the brilliant idea of stretching his leg along the seat he’s sitting on while she’s approaching us; so by the time she gets to our booth, her only option is sitting down next to me. Which she isn’t willing to do, she’s just sending reproving looks at me until I realize the reason of her reluctance is my right arm on the backrest. When I remove it, she slides in the booth as far from me as possible, she’s probably sitting with half butt on the air.

“Hi Judy.” Mike greets her pulling his small metal flask out of the inner pocket of his jacket.

“It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.” she tries to tear it out of his hand without even greeting us.

“Easy Jude, it’s empty, okay? It’s just a bad habit that I keep checking it.”

“Anyway, I doubt he would begin the day with spirits, seeing he was drinking the whole night…”

“What?” she screams outraged.

“Jesus, are you blind? He’s, like, the quintessence of hangover, circles under the eyes, grey face, he looks like a dirty dish cloth…”

“Jesus, guys, do you really have to talk so loud??? Anyway, thanks Stone, you know how to compliment…” Mike moans rubbing his forehead with his hand.

“I’m just telling the truth. Come on, tell us how did you get so fucked up… or… no… I don’t want to know the details.”

“You probably think I got wasted with a few local dudes I don’t even know and I fell asleep in the corner and when I woke up, I realized someone had drawn a dick on my cheek.”

“You left out the pissing-and-puking part but yeah, sort of. Ouch!” I whine when she tosses me with a strict face at full strength in the shoulder. “What’s wrong with you, do you think he’s a saint or what?” I complain.

“Don’t even listen to him, unlike him, I’m interested in the details. So tell me… were there pubic hair on the dick too?” she leans closer confidentially, flashing a cheeky smile and however much annoying I find her, I can’t help snorting.

“Jesus, six of one, half a dozen of the other.” Mike rolls his eyes. “Anywayyy… I wasn’t with some unknown dudes… but I wasn’t alone either…” he shrugs with a mysterious smile.

“Okay, you’re getting a vasectomy. That’s final. I don’t want you to get sued by teen moms from every single town we stop in.” I shake my head.

“Not that I’m the Casanova of the band, are we going to talk about the favors you’ve done to Seattle’s female population too? Do you begrudge me it or what?”

“I’ve had a long string of girlfriends, so what?”

“What?” our band parrot squeaks in again.

“A long string? There’s a herd of them!” Mike goes on.

“Just stop!” she screams and we both fall silent, surprised by her sudden outburst. “I’m new here. Explain.” she adds in a mellower voice.

“Judith, maybe you should improve your “reading between the lines” skills. My colleague is trying to say that he spent the night with a female acquaintance, I guess we can call her like that with some euphemism. And I recommended some fertility restrictions regarding Mike’s wasted adventures are like the cliché bad examples in sexual education videos.”

“As if you…” my bandmate is about to reply but he gets interrupted by the returning lovely waitress, and honestly, I don’t mind, somehow I don’t want him to reveal my dating history before the girl who never misses any occasion to point out my flaws.

“Did you manage to choose in the meantime?” she inquires.

“I’d like to have… scrambled eggs with ham and a sesame seed bun, fresh orange juice, pancakes with maple syrup, a peanut butter sandwich and chocolate chips with vanilla ice.” Mike reads enthusiastically.

“A sunny-side up with bacon and a cherry pie á la RR.” my neighbor lists.

“A vegetarian cheese plate and I’d like to try that deliciously sounding pie too.” I smile at the waitress.

“It’s even better than you think, Sir.” she winks back at me and as I watch her collecting the menus, I can see Camden’s disgusted face from the corner of my eye.

“Sooo… a Twin Peaks fan, huh?” I nudge her. “From now on, I’m gonna call you Nadine, it suits you in every sense.”

“Nice try, Bob… Anyway, Mike, if this is your hangover appetite, what is your normal state like? I got nausea even of listening to you…”

“I burned a lot of calories last night so…” he grins proudly, making me cackle up.

“Here we are, I want details!” I imitate a drum snare with my palms on the table.

“Jesus, guys, are you really going to disc…” Miss Prudery clucks in but luckily, my bandmate ignores her whining.

“It was… wild.” he smirks firmly.

“Wilder than that escort girl in L.A.?” I giggle since this is one of my favorite stories with which I tease Mike from time to time and it’s also a great topic to outrage this first communicant next to me.

“What? Mike? You’ve paid for sex???” Bingo.

“How many times I have to tell that…” Mike pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers with a nervous gasp. “Judy, it wasn’t the way you think… when I was living in L.A. with the Friel brothers, I met a nice waitress at a concert venue… we sort of hooked up, she’d visit me at the record store I’d work at… she was busted all the time so I’d lend her my spare money, I mean what I didn’t spend on booking gigs for us… and Chris Friel tried to warn me gently that every time I’d give her money, we’d sex afterwards… and once we ended up in a strip club after a gig and I found out she was a stripper, she worked there, I mean, she was dropping her clothes right in front of me… and she wasn’t only stripping. So I realized that what I thought to be a friends with benefits situation was actually a prostitute-client relationship, she was just too good-hearted to enlighten me. Stone, are you happy now???”

“Awww, Mike, this is so sad… but it’s also somehow so sweet… I hope you got a discount at least. But what’s with that girl from last night? What’s her name?”

“Someone has suddenly become curious, interesting…” I throw in.

“Errrr… her name was…”

“Jesus, Camden, you know nothing about one-night-stands, don’t you?” I ask to buy Mike some time but to be honest, I don’t know what to think seeing the industrial amount of condoms I found in her toiletry bag last night. Either is she a wild cat and a really god actress at the same time or this tour is like a project for her to get rid of her virginity. Ten times at least. And Jeff Ament has the honor to assist. Jesus.

“Why, I only asked…”

“He doesn’t know shit about her, let alone her name.”

“You banged…” she yells but realizing everyone looks at us, she suddenly takes the volume back “You had sex with her and you didn’t even ask her name?” she whispers between her teeth.

“Why? Names are overrated. Anyway, she introduced herself, I just… can’t remember her name anymore. And she didn’t even care about my name either.”

“Judith, I understand this is new to you, you probably insist on swapping business cards before petting and ask the guy even to show his ID before the penetration but in most cases, these things are going in a simpler way…” I use the occasion to torture her a bit and she starts reddening so much that I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.

“Hey Stoney, don’t mock her! Jude, there’s nothing wrong with being cautious. I mean, the social security number can even be useful in case your partner suffers a sex injury.” he tries to help her out clumsily and glances at me for reassurance.

“Yeah, let alone the blood type in case he needs a transfusion after the experience.” I scoff.

“Could we go back to Mike’s experience?” she squints towards me with popped eyes making a nervous gesture. “I hope you had protection…”

“Jesus, of course, she was prepared…”

“She??? Mike, how can you be so irresponsible, it’s always the guy’s task, I would never ever… go out with a guy who expects me to provide him with condoms, Jesus…”

Ha. The little liar…

“Are we seriously analyzing these details? I mean, how was the chick?” I exclaim, earning one more toss arriving from my right side.

“She was… nice. I mean, she had that crazy vibe… It was weird, everything was okay until we left to her place, we drank, we played pool, she started flirting, I reciprocated it and so on… At one point, she threw herself on me, by the time I realized what’s happening, she was basically already licking my tonsils… not that I minded. So she dragged me to her place.”

“That doesn’t sound that bad…” I grin.

“Something tells me there was a “but” in the story…” the queen of condoms reacts ignoring my remark.

“Well yeah… she disappeared in the kitchen to bring more booze, so I turned on the TV, I thought some decent erotic channel wouldn’t hurt in the process but I stopped at a documentary, it was filmed in Kenya, I think, with beautiful shots and interesting narrations… she came back at the part on mating lions, she asked me if liked it, I found her question odd but I answered “of course” and she got completely hysterical.”

“How… how do you mean?” she asks fidgeting anxiously with her coffee mug.

“She… she freaked out saying she couldn’t believe I’m into that too. It so strange, out of context, I guess it was probably some dark secret with his ex, so I didn’t ask.”

What a coincidence!

“Interesting, the same…” I reply but a nervous little hand beats me in the thigh under the table. What the hell is she doing?

“Go… go on Mike, and what happened after that?” she inquires with a forced smile.

“I managed to calm her down, switched to Playboy channel, and you know… we begin to get into the thing on the couch… but my stomach started rumbling, I was starving since I hadn’t eaten the whole day. So I asked her if I could grab some food before we… you know… and she almost begin to cry, explaining she never mixes food into sex, it was so incoherent, I couldn’t even understand what’s happening…” he recalls causing me a lightbulb moment.

“Jesus Mike, I know why she acted like that…” I exclaim chuckling since it I know this is more than a simple coincidence, his story has too much in common with my conversation with Claudia. Actually, now that it’s not about me, it actually sounds funny. Hilariously funny, I can’t stop shaking of repressed laughter… But those restless fingers pinch me in the thigh this time and when I turn right to challenge her, all I can see are two, huge, warm, brown eyes, begging me concerned… and suddenly I realize what they are trying to say.

“And why?” Mike asks back. Okay, I have to find out something, and I have to do it fast, think…

“Because… because… she chickened out!”

“Yes, that must have been the reason.” she agrees as quickly as possible. Okay, crisis averted.

“She didn’t.” Mike smirks. “She finally allowed me to grab some snacks and then… mature content.” he illustrates with fitting hand moves the events. “Okay, she turned out to be into rodeo roleplay, which was new to me but… after all, it was fun.” he shrugs not too convincingly.

“Was she wearing boots with spurs?”

“Damn, Camden, you always grasp the most important details…”

“She wasn’t… but she had a hat made bondage stuff to me but it was fine.”

Our meals arrive in the meantime but somehow the consumption of my vegan cheese plate seems to be incompatible with the picture of the naked Mike tied to a bed and ridden by Claudia only wearing a cowboy hat.

“A lot of people are into it but of course, there are different levels.” our troublemaker plays the expert with her mouth full.

“It was the enjoyable level bondage. Anyway, she had one more outburst, when we were finished.” he tells stuffing a considerable pile of scrambled egg into his mouth. “After the action, she went out to the bathroom but she threatened to slit my throat if I’d follow her. Like, why would I do that?”

I snort but I manage to fake a cough fast enough not to be noticed by Mike and abused by the travel-size Terminator.

“I don’t know, shower sex?” she shrugs casually munching too. Like she knows.

“Yeah, but that’s a good thing, isn’t it? Whatever. Anyway, guys, how was your night?”

“Terrible.”

“Awful.” we answer at once.

“Why, was it because of the motel or…?”

“I had nightmares… I mean, during that one single hour I slept. I didn’t really dare fall asleep because of the cockroaches… and I kept dreaming about them.” she begins to play with the food pushing it around on the plate.

“Stone, you had nightmares too?”

“Oh, no… although I had every reason to do so. I don’t know, the bed was uncomfortable.”

There’s an awkward silence. Mike devotes all his attention to his food and honestly, probably neither of us minds that he stops asking about last night. Anyway, as for the Claudia thing, she was right. He was proud of his conquest, facing him with the fact he was only a backup target would have totally ruined his confidence. I have to warn Scully too, he’s such a gossip. And Ed would certainly disapprove it but come on, Mike just wants to enjoy being the member of a rock band. He doesn’t fuck girls in every bush we pass by, I don’t think he should be executed for it. Jeff isn’t better either, drooling over you colleague, how immature and irresponsible…

“Hi Jeff!”

Speak of the devil. Anyway, why is she so suddenly so enthusiastic of seeing him?

“Hi guys. Wow, that looks good.” our bassist leans over to check my plate while Mike pulls his leg back to leave him space. Of course he couldn’t do that a few minutes earlier, so typical.

“If you ask me, it tastes better without Mike’s bizarre sex adventures but it’s a matter of taste.”

“Bizarre sex adventures? Something tells me I have to catch up.” he laughs. “How are you, Judy? You disappeared tomorrow so early.”

“Thanks, I’m fine, I was just…tired. Look, Jeff, I was thinking… if you wanna hang out today before the show? I mean, you said you’d show me a few chords and…”

I can’t believe my ears. What made her change her mind? If Dave’s jealousy trick worked out, I have to re-evaluate my knowledge about dating.

“Sure.” Jeff’s face lights up. “Anytime.”

“Aaaanytime, Juuudy…” I mock. ”Just don’t forget to put some money in his G-string.” I add mumbling.

“Jesus, Stone, you’re gross!” Mike drops his fork annoyed.

“I’m the gross? Remember, Mike…” I’m ready to remind him of his various drunk performances but as the debate is about to get heated, Eric shows up in the diner followed by Ed and Beth.

“Guys, we have a problem…”

#pearl jam fanfiction #pearljam #PearlJamfanfic #eddie vedder #stone gossard #MikeMcCready #jeff ament #dave abbruzzese

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descendantofthesparrow · 5 years ago

Text

Harry Hook x Reader - turned.

Izabelfireheart on wattpad

Can you do one when it takes place in D2 plz? (The reader is King Ben's sister, and Ben has to give up the wand and the crown to save her, but while being kisnapped she falls in love with Harry. When Ben comes he realizes that she became more like Uma, and could care less for Auradon Prep. Can includes Lemon IF you write those, and sorry if this is tmi

You couldn’t care less for the people or places around you, it had been boring and straight since you were born, nothing wild, no rule-breaking, no frowns, no nothing.

The arrival of the core four had made Auradon prep interesting, but that faded as they became more like the sheep around you, abandoning their fellow vks for a soft pillow.

Ben, your brother, had also abandoned his ‘bring over vks once every two months’ plan, preferring to tend to his “perfect” girlfriend Mal.

Perfect HA! Mal was less than perfect, she obviously was super uncomfortable with the entire ‘lady of the court thing’ and wanted out, she hated the paparazzi, the clothes, the manners, the hair, which was now bleached blonde with lavender tips.

And you were the only one she told personally about her troubles and wants to return to the isle, you didn’t discourage her, only saying “do you really want to return to the isle, or do you want to be free of this royalty bullshit?”

She hadn't responded, and when she left for the isle only two days away from cotilion, you weren't surprised.

What did surprise you was when ben burst into your room, begging for you to come with him to the isle to help get mal back.

You had an odd feeling, so you agreed, grabbing your casual clothes, which evie blinked at, you shrugged her off, you had a natural isle style apparently.

It took about an hour to get to the isle, and you had basically wandered off as soon as you had arrived at the hideout, noticing that your “friends” were distracted, you walked off, soon being run into by a set of kids, trying to get into your messenger bag, but you easily pushed them away, wincing at you felt the boniness of the children.

One fell to the ground and the other stood in front of his fallen friend, glaring at you, daring to try anything else.

You sighed, reaching into your bag and pulling out one of your tiaras, and kneeling down, holding it out to the child. Both of their eyes widened, seeing your true smile and the definitely real blue diamonds on the golden tiara.

“go on” you whispered, holding the tiara closer to the child “take it, I don’t need it”

The dirt-covered child stood up from the ground, walking around his friend and slowly taking the tiara, gasping as he saw a poster with your face on it, recognizing you.

“you- your prin-“ you held a finger up to your lips, shushing the awestruck child.

“don’t tell anyone im here, now, go get yourself some food okay?”

The two children nodded, grinning slightly and rushed off, hiding the tiara in their larger jackets.

“that wa’ kind of yeh lass” a thick Scottish voice spoke up from your right, you calmly stood and looked at him, raising your brow at the…

Holy fuck REALLY PRETTY DUDE WTF!

You felt your face heat up, wow, wow,wowowowow!

“okay first off, its kinda my thing, second off, holy FUCK you're pretty!”

The boy with the scarlet red jacket snickered and ruffled his floofy black hair, his cheeks red. “uh, thanks? Anyway, me captain would like teh see ya princess”

You smirked, feeling the heat from your face cool down and you jutted your hip out and placed your hand on it.

“oh? And who would your captain be Mr?” you saw the glint of a silver hook “Hook?” the obvious son of captain hook sniggered, bowing slightly

“my name would be harry hook princess, and meh captain would be uma d-“ you interrupted him, now getting excited.

“daughter of Ursula, mal told me about her”

Harry's eyes went dark, crossing his arms and becoming tense “oh? And wha’ did she tell yeh?”

You rolled your eyes and waved your hand “a bunch of bullshit that I didn’t care for, I never take second-hand info about a person I've never met”

Harry relaxed, nodding “alright, now, my captain?” you nodded, walking up to the boy and standing in front of him, staring into his surprisingly bright ocean blue eyes, where those emerald green flakes in his eyes?

He offered his arm with a grin, and you took it with a giggle and a smile.

You didn’t hear your brother or evie call for you, and you didn’t hear one of Harry's crew members inform them for mal to meet uma at the chip shop for a negotiation.

Harry led you to the ship, smirking as you gave a wow at the vessel, for some reason, he just wanted to look at you for hours, and listen to you talk and ramble.

He shook those feelings and wants away, showing you around the main deck and smiling at you as you explored.

“never seen a pirate ship before princess?”

You turned and smiled, making Harry's heart skip a beat, what the hell is happening to him?!

“You can call me (y/n), I never liked that title anyway, and no, I've never seen a pirate ship, they are all sunken to the ocean floor”

As you looked around the ship, you stopped at harrys sword, the red fabric wrapped around the hilt making your raise your brow.

“you sword fight?” you asked, making Harry's brows go up,

“yeah, im a pirate, kinda a requirement?”

You hummed, shrugging off your jacker and letting it drop from the floor, seeing Harry's Adam's apple bob, his pupils dilated.

“wanna spar? I need something to fight”

Harry grinned, walking to a barrel and grasping a sword, and tossing it to you. you caught it with ease, flipping it as you did.

“lets play (y/n)”

The two of you clashed for a little bit, easily matching the other as you fought, he swiped for your torso, you dodged, and he sent his palm at your torso, sending you to the floor.

He knelt down over you, sword above your neck. “ready to surrender princess~?”

You smirked, lifting your legs and wrapping them around his neck and torso, flipping yours and Harry's positions, you on top, his face pressed against your thigh, face red and eyes wide.

“nah~”

A slow loud clapping sounded from behind you, you stood up, turning to see a girl with teal braided hair, a pirates hat on her head.

Uma.

“impressive princess~ Harrys hard to beat”

You smiled standing, retrieving your jacket in the prosses, making uma blink in surprise as you greeted her as if she hadn't just ordered a kidnapping on you “You must be uma, a pleasure to meet ya”

Uma looked at you up and down, she thought Harry had full-on kidnapped you, but it seemed you had come willingly.

“now, harry says that you wanted something with me? uma steeled herself, standing tall and strutting up to her, putting on her best killer gaze, but you didn’t flinch meeting her gaze evenly.

“yes, you…for the wand and crown”

You blinked a few times, surprised at her bluntness before you busted out laughing, making uma drop her face and harry look at you in confusion.

“oh-my-god-!!! You-you want the wand?! Ben would have been a much better hostage!”

You continued to laugh before gaining your breath, grinning sadly as you looked to the ground “im the second born, no one really gives a fuck about me, the crowned king is alive and well, the princess isn't needed”

Uma stared at you in surprise, she wasn’t expecting that mini-rant from an Auradon rat.

“I don’t give a crap about Auradon though, so its an even trade”

You laughed coldly “I hope for your sake, ben cares enough to bring the wand, seeing the isle today” you paused sneering slightly “made me pissed off, you are all CHILDREN, you did nothing wrong! You shouldn’t have to pay the price for your parent's wrongdoings, and ben has ignored that for six months”

Uma stared at you, before deciding something, she walked up to you holding her hand out, you blinked at it in surprise, looking at uma confused.

“It seems we have a common goal, you want freedom and justice for the wrongly accused vks, and I want the same, what do ya say princess (y/n)? are you on my side”

You smirked, grabbing onto umas outstretched hand holding it up in the air, tightly gripping it.

“I’ll rally with you” ---

Harry felt his heart beat faster as uma told him to keep (y/n) in his room for the night, as no one dared to go in there unless with order or permission, (y/n) would be protected there.

“so, uh, meh room?”

Harry gestured to his midsized room, slightly embarrassed at the clothes strewn about the room, he quickly started to pick them up, tossing them in a hamper.

Wait, why did he care? He had multiple other people in his room before, and he didn’t give a single fuck about what they thought about his room.

So why?

Sighing he turned to look at (y/n) again, locking his ocean blue eyes with her bright and curious (e/c) ones.

His breath hitched and his heart skipped another beat.

Oh shit.

Was he- no not that fast- but he definitely-

“Harry?” oh god her voice, just her voice was making his heart go crazy. What was wrong with him?! “yea~-“ oh god did his voice just crack?! He cleared his throat as (y/n) smiled and giggled lightly “yeah lass?”

“I really need to do something physical, wanna do it?”

Harry choked, stumbling into his dresser, wide-eyed at the supposed ‘princess’ his face started to heat up.

“i-you-wha-bu-“

You interrupted Harry's babbling, your own face heating up. “I wanna say something, in the short amount of time we've known each other, I've felt a connection I've never felt before, so if ‘this’” you gestured between you harry and the bed, making harry swallow harshly and nod. “happens, I want to make something clear if you maybe want to pursue something after that, I wouldn’t say no.”

Harry stared at you as you started to fidget. he stayed silent, figuring out what you had just said.

You wanted to have sex with him

You said you wouldn’t mind seeing where your…releationship would go after it

You felt a connection with him….just as he felt a connection to you.

Harry breathed deeply, closing his eyes for a few moments, before opening them, staring into your bright eyes.

He stalked forward, pressing his lips to yours, pressing against his door, you moaned, feeling around for the lock, clicking it you moved your hands to wrap around his neck and thread your fingers in his thick hair.

Harry unbuckled his belt, tossing it across the room, before shrugging off his jacket and pressing his hardening core to yours.

He broke away from you, spit keeping the two of you connected, breath heavy and hearts beating fast.

“let's take this to the bed shall we?”

You nodded, breathing heavily.

Harry picked you up by your thighs, walking over to his bed and setting you down, laying his body on top of yours, griding slightly.

Harry let out a grunt, pleasure shooting up his spine, as you let out high pitched sighs.

“w-wait!” harry stopped, pulling away, a good 8 inches between you.

“did yeh change yer mind?”

“n-no I just wanted-im a virgin”

Harry blinked, before smiling softly, leaning down to give your cheek a soft kiss.

“ill be gentle”

---the end(not writing the full smut, my dads home)---

There will be a part 2, taking place in d3

#Descendents #descendants #disney descendants #harryhook #harry hook #harry hook descendants #harry hook x reader #harry hook imagine #slight lemon at the end #but not a full one #request #love at first sight

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stuffwedoistotallynotillegal · 5 years ago

Text

Speedy McGreedy; Pietro Maximoff x Reader

GIF not Mine

Author: Lee

Warnings: fluff, profanity, Pietro talks about his experiences in HYDRA,

It was a lazy day -- the of laziest days. You slid around the hard floors of the compound in your socks. Grabbing up some fruit as you passed through the kitchen. It was only just then that you had gotten out of bed, and you had full intention to get immediately back in. It wasn't until you had made it to the threshold to make your way back to your room that a rush of slightly cologne scented air brushed by you. You looked up to see Pietro smirking down at you.

"Hello." you greeted.

His smirk grew into a smile.

"Hello, love." he replied softly.

You hardly registered the pet-name he gave you as you reached up and pat his chest, stepping passed him towards your room. He turned his head to watch you go, furrowing his brow at your lack of response: usually Pietro could make you blush a deep red with his names. You were too tired to care about be flustered by the Adonis in front of you.

Instead you trudged on to you room taking a quick bit out of your fruit. Pietro looked back into the kitchen to see Clint watching with a toothy smile, letting out a loud chuckle at the situation. Pietro shook his head then sped to the threshold of your room just as you were closing the door. He reached out to hold the door, quietly asking what was wrong in his native tongue.

You glanced back, muttering "just tired" back in the same language.

Pietro frown before stepping closer to the threshold. You glanced back and threw him a lazy smile, seeing he lined up his toes to the line where the hallway ends and your room begins.

"You may enter." you told him in English.

He smiled and nodded, taking a dramatic step into your room. You sat on the edge of your bed before laying down. Pietro stood awkwardly before you reach out your hand for him to hold, pulling him down with you when you got a hold. You didn't care about normal social interaction within your exhaustion.

Pietro fell onto the bed with a surprised 'oof', laying stiff as you closed your eyes. He was on his side facing you, bringing his hand to moved some hair off of your face when he noticed your face scrunch up.

"What's wrong, love." his voice was soft and he rubbed his thumb across your cheek.

"Have you ever been so tired," you mumbled "that your head started to hurt?"

You opened your eyes to see his face solemn, "I do."

You looked into his eyes, wrapping your hand around his wrist as he continued to brush along your cheek with his thumb.

"That was a silly question." you admitted.

Pietro gave a light smile, "It was a good question."

You stared at him a minute before your tired brain decided it wanted to push the limits.

"I wanna ask-"

"About what it was like?" Pietro finished for you.

Your eyes turned guilty and Pietro scooted closer to you.

"It was hell." he started "when it first started," he paused, looking for his words, "it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It was like I could feel my body mutating, changing my DNA. I remember laying on the shitty cot they gave me for a bed; I was drenching my sheets with sweat, shivering like I was stranded in the arctic, but my body felt like it was strapped to a funeral pyre.

"When my body started changing on more levels, my metabolism went out of whack," He chuckled at the memory, but there was a hint of bitterness in the tone "I was starving, literally. They wouldn't raise my food ration until a doctor chewed them out, but that took months after my metabolism got faster. After that it didn't get better, they practically force fed me supplements to avoid emaciation along with all the other natural nutritious foods, which weren't all that bad, actually--I just didn't like be on lock down and made to eat more than I actually needed.

"When my body started getting faster it was hard to control. I had spasms all the time. I'd be at one end the room and when I blinked I'd be at the other side, I just couldn't control what my body did." he stopped, looking into your eyes. He had looked lost before, but suddenly it was like he saw you through the dark, "I would break things, my muscle strength developed even more than it already had. It was like going through puberty again." He chuckled.

You giggled along with him, and his face instantly brightened as he looked at you. You moved even closer, allowing Pietro to wrap his arms around your waist and bring you in.

"I think the worst part," he spoke "was not knowing what Wanda was going through. Sometimes I would hear her whimpers, I couldn't do anything for her. Sometimes it seems like I still can't."

He had tears swimming in his eyes, and you reached up to cup his face. You don't say anything, just let him feel his emotions until he was ready to move on.

"It was hell." Pietro concluded.

By now your noses were almost touching.

"I want to stay here all day, with you." he murmured, eyes glancing down your face.

"You gonna keep me hostage, speedy?" you tease.

"Maybe."

You took a moment to take him in.

"I'm sorry it all had to happen to you, Pietro."

Pietro ran his hand along your eyebrow; you took the initiative and pressed your lips to his.

His eye burned into yours as you pulled away. You lightly scratched along his stubble, relishing in the way Pietro pulled your bodies closer until there was no space left.

"If it's worth anything, I want you to stay here all day, too."

"I guess we're both just greedy, then." he laughs, eyes crinkling and bright, but still watery.

"Speedy McGreedy, that's your new superhero name."

Pietro rolled his eyes, "I just want to let you know right now that you are the only person who I will allow to call me that, and if it leaves the room or gets to Clint or Wanda then you're gonna be in trouble."

He ended his rant with a quick kiss before you giggled and burrow your head into the crook of his neck.

#pietro maximoff #pietro maximoff x reader #imagine #avengers drabble #x reader

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angryteapot · 5 years ago

Text

Take Your Shot

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Avenger!Reader

Summary: You and Steve are always bickering, but after a mission goes awry, you both take stock of your tangled thoughts. It’s a shot in the dark, and you hope your decision won’t ruin everything.

Warnings: Cursing, slight angst, mentions of violence and injury

Word Count: 2083

A/N: This is for @barnesrogersvstheworld ’s 4k “Challenge” Challenge! The prompt is in bold.

To be added to the taglist, send me an ask or dm! My inbox is always open if you want to chat or rant! <3

"Contact left! Hostages in play, dozen gunmen, suspected sniper. Request backup!" Steve threw his shield, knocking out more of the charging Hydra goons.

You vaulted over the explosion debris on the opposite side of the building, two throwing knives now embedded in the enemy's chests. God, they were everywhere. You sprinted to retrieve the knives, wiping the blood off on your sleeve as you stepped over the bodies.

"Backup imminent, Cap. Location?" You took a minute to breathe as you waited to hear his location.

"Southeast corner, it'd be nice if you hurry!" The location was accompanied by the grunts and hard breaths of hand to hand combat.

Grumbling to yourself, you ran through the remains of the building, on your way to assist the idiot. You mocked his earlier assessment of the situation during the morning's briefing meeting -

"Abandoned building, my ass. 'A few guards with hostage analysts,' he said. 'In and out job,' he said. Bullshit! It was supposed to be easy, but noooo, the idiot just had to trip the alarm and summon half of Hydra," you huffed, annoyed as you came up on the southeast side. Why did the damn building have to be so expansive?

"You know I can hear you, right?" Steve grunted and you could hear the sound of fist meeting flesh, then someone's bones crunching. "Any ETA on that backup?"

"Oops. Yeah yeah, gimme a second."

Scaling your way up the wall onto the roof, you reached over your shoulder to grab the sniper rifle that was slung across your back. You settled in and started picking off Hydra agents one by one, but more kept pouring out of the tree line.

You growled in frustration as you ran out of ammo, "Why won't these bastards just die?"

"Y/N, I appreciate the expert sniping, I really do, but when the hell is our backup getting here?"

"Cap, I am the backup. Are you going senile already? You'd said it would be an easy job, so it's only me, you, and Falcon. And he's currently occupied with evacuating hostages, so you're stuck with me."

You rolled your eyes at Steve's frustrated cursing.

"Honestly, it's like you don't know me at all, not gonna lie I'm a little insulted," you sighed and discarded the rifle you had "borrowed" from Bucky.

Unsheathing your katanas, a gift from your friend Wade a lifetime ago, you gave them a twirl and jumped off the roof breathing out, "Maximum effort."

Hydra didn't stand a chance after that. You may not have been enhanced, but you were well-trained and ruthless. Your katanas swung like lightning, taking down countless Hydra goons as you made your way closer to Steve.

You had nearly reached him when you saw him getting ambushed from behind. Pushing yourself to run harder, you were mere feet away from him when, out of the corner of your eye, you saw a sniper a little ways off taking aim at Steve. Jump-tackling him, you pulled out a pulse grenade and shouted, "Shield!"

Confused but already complying, Steve pulled you to him and covered the both of you with his shield as you lay on the ground. Tossing the grenade into the air, it released an energy pulse that sent all the surrounding Hydra assholes back about ten feet, each one knocked out cold.

Both of you groaning, Steve helped you up, gritting his teeth and saying, "C'mon Y/N, we've got another wave coming."

Right when you stood you heard the discharge of a bullet and blindly pushed Steve away, gasping in burning pain as the bullet clipped you in the side, going clean through and leaving you with a large bloody gash.

"Y/N!" Steve's palpable concern was touching, but now you were pissed off.

Shouting in anger, you charged at the incoming Hydra group with renewed vigor, pain and bleeding be damned. By the time Sam arrived to help, you were covered in more enemy blood than even the Captain. A few stragglers remained, but Sam picked them off from above.

"That was stupid," Steve admonished as he helped you up from where you were now sprawled on the ground.

You tried not to flinch from the anger in his voice as you spat back, "Yeah well, I saved your life. And I do stupid shit all the time, so I don't know why you're so surpri- mother fucker!"

You hissed as he put pressure on your side, right where the bullet had clipped you, as he threw your arm over his shoulder to help you walk.

As he flew overhead, Sam's voice came over the comms, "Cap, Y/N, jet's ready for takeoff. You guys all good?"

"Yeah Sam, we're good. A little injured, but I'll make it 'til we get to med bay. Hostages taken care of?"

"Yes ma'am, they're in the cargo hold. I'm heading to the jet, see you both there."

Steve remained stoic, you could practically feel the pissy energy he was emitting. Choosing to also remain silent, you continued to the jet, keeping the tense silence until the hostages were dropped at S.H.I.E.L.D. and you were back at the compound.

After landing, you gave Sam a friendly slap on the back on your way off the jet. Next stop - med bay.

Dr. Cho tried to convince you to use the regeneration cradle, but the thing gave you the heebie-jeebies, you'd rather have a scar than simulacrum "skin." Blech.

Freshly stitched up, you trudged back to your room to shower all the blood and exhaustion off. You took your time under the hot spray, letting it wash away your frustrations. As the water beat against your back, your thoughts turned to Steve - the cause of your frustrations. His silence and contempt on the earlier mission was maddening.

Sure, what you did might have been stupid, but you all made stupid decisions when a teammate's life was on the line. He may not have approved, but saving Steve's life was something you wouldn't compromise in a million years. He was too precious to you, but of course the big idiot didn't know that. To be fair, nobody else knew either; you hid it a little too well behind sarcasm and anger.

Sighing and shutting off the water, you stepped out and toweled off, cursing as you saw the seepage on your bandage. You dried off and slathered on some lotion, getting dressed in your underwear and low-slung sleep short, opting to put on a sports bra only so as not to agitate your wound any further.

"Barely out of med bay, and you've already managed to re-injure yourself?"

You looked up to see Steve leaning against your desk, arms crossed and muscles bulging from his smedium shirt.

Feeling a little flustered and defensive, you drawled, "Come to ogle a girl, Rogers? I thought you 40’s boys were more polite."

"Not ogle, berate," he corrected as he reached behind him and pulled out a first-aid kit. He gestured for you to sit on the bed, and you did, albeit reluctantly.

"I was going to do that myself, y'know. I'm not a child that needs to be coddled by mommy dearest,' you sneered as he knelt in front of you.

"Really Y/N? Because you'd have a hell of a time trying to patch yourself up, judging from the location of the bleeding."

"Ow! Gently, you asshole! Or if you're gonna be medieval about it, at least give me a damn bottle of whiskey to numb the pain." You winced as he tore off the seeping bandage.

"I thought you went to med bay for this. Didn't Dr. Cho fix it for you?" Steve looked equal parts concerned and aggravated.

"I don't want to be made of plastic, I'd rather have a scar. So yeah, if by 'fixed me,' you mean 'stitched up,' then she did indeed fix me."

You heard him mumble something about 'stupid girl,' and tried very hard to not unleash your full fury.

"I'm sorry, what was that? You wanna talk about stupidity? That's rich coming from the guy who jumps 30,000 feet out of a plane without a parachute!"

He raised his voice right back as he cleaned the wound with antiseptic, "I'm enhanced! You are not. You could've died, and that would have been on me."

"If I hadn't pushed you out of the way, the bullet would have pierced your heart. Try walking that off, asshole. See how much your enhancements help you then. Besides, better me get killed than you, I’m less important than Captain America."

"Not to me! I can't lose you, dammit Y/N, don't you understand that?" He angrily, yet still so gently, tended to your wound and placed a new bandage over it as he berated you.

You were stunned. Since when did Steve care if you lived or died? All you ever did was fight. Granted, you bickered to cover your true feelings, but he always seemed genuinely frustrated with you. You took in his slightly elevated breathing, his steady hands as he picked up the dirty cloth, and his unwavering glance when he looked back at you.

"I don't want to fight anymore," you said quietly, more meaning to the words than he knew. You were so tired of hiding your feelings. You glanced at him again, seeing something soft in his eyes as he sighed in agreement, you hoped you weren’t imagining it. His warm, gentle fingers skated over your side, checking his handiwork as he knelt in front of you again. You decided to throw caution to the wind. If this bombed, then at least you'd have your answer instead of this stupid pining.

"Hey Steve?"

"Yeah?" He looked up at you, still kneeling before you, with his stupidly blue eyes and gorgeous lashes.

"I'm about to do something stupid."

"Well we've established you're always doing something stupid, so how is this any different?"

"Right. You'll probably ignore it anyway."

You look at him for a second longer before grabbing his face, taking a moment to look into his shocked and confused eyes, and then you kiss him fiercely.

Go big or go home, right? Well you certainly went big. Not just a peck or hesitant kiss, oh no, you put everything you had into that kiss, all the feelings you'd been holding back for so long. After a beat, he'd started to kiss you back, albeit hesitantly.

You pulled away, blushing and breathless. Steve was struck speechless and blushing, lips now a pretty shade of red to match his flushed cheeks. His expression, however, was very closed off.

"Yep. Okay. Sorry, message received, it won't happen again. You can sweep it under the rug like everything else."

Well you were thoroughly embarrassed now, and slightly heartbroken, yep it was time for an escape. As you tried to get up, Steve - still kneeling in front of you on the bed - snapped into action and moved his arms to cage you in.

"What if," he licked his lips and cleared his throat. Well damn, if he was going to reject you, could he do it a little less seductively?

"What if I don’t want to sweep it under the rug? What if I want… What if I want you to do that again?"

Steve readjusted his hands, thumbs now caressing the bare skin of your hips as he spoke, oh so softly.

"What if I want a redo? A chance to kiss you back properly? What would you say to that, hm Y/N?"

His voice was gravelly and sinfully low, causing a shiver to run up your spine, and the soft caress of his thumbs on your hips had your mind in a tizzy.

"I'd say," a deep breath and you continued, "I'd say that whenever you want to yell at me, you should kiss me instead.”

He leaned in closer to you, whispering against your lips, "Then I guess we'll be kissing more often than not."

"Asshole. At least you'll finally be putting that pretty mouth to good use," you smiled against his lips.

"Mmm, that's not very nice," he murmured, silencing your next words with a very thorough kiss.

If he kissed you like that every time you fought, you’re brain would be too mushy to form words, so you supposed there would indeed be more kissing than bickering in the future. But you were entirely okay with that, and you were sure Steve would be too.

#attie's challenge challenge #challenge fic #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x avenger!reader #reader insert #steve rogers #captain america #steve rogers fanfiction #captain america fanfiction #captain america x reader #steve rogers x you #captain america x you

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fank0ne · 5 years ago

Text

Okay, I'm mad. I was supposed to post this waaay earlier but Tumblr fucked it up and here we are. My anxiety's tryna crawl back to me and I have to deal with it too, so, ugh, bear with me.

Anyways, this whole thing is gonna be messy af, you've been warned.

FIRE:

Cruz and Chloe. What did Joe do in his previous life that the universe wants tries to fuck up any tiny bit of happiness? The poor guy just lost his best friend and now the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with ditches him? Great timing, by the way.

C'mon, give him a break. He's suffered enough and certainly doesn't deserved. Joe is literally a sweetheart.

Severide and Stella. Did Kelly (I hate his first name so much, you have no idea) really say "(...) with our kids and grandkids surrounding me"?! Stellaride are so cute, it's like they live in their own bubble of happiness and, ugh, they've matured so much and to hear Severide say that he wants to grow old with Kids (we already knew that, but to actually hear it gives it another effect)... it just warms my heart.

I hope Stella gets to choose some cool badass names for dem kids.

Jay and Adam partnering up and doing Mouse's work?! Dope.

I've got something to confess: I don't know why or how, but I recently entered the Halzek spiral and so whenever they're around one another I literally freak out. Can you blame me, though?

MED:

Who is this Andrea girl? Is she an angel sent from above who's gonna help us associate the word end to Manstead? Has that moment finally arrived? Sarcasm aside, I'm curious! I wanna know what was/is the nature of her relationship with Will. They definitely fucked at least once -- I'm not saying it, their faces were saying it. Sorry, guys, I don't make the rules.

Dr. Marcel. I can't call him Crockett because in Italian it sounds like nugget. Like, you say chicken nuggets, we say crocchette (Crockett-e) di pollo, and it's just weird lol.

That look on his face he had every time he had to announce the time of death of one of his patients honestly broke my heart. He felt so helpless and, I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to give him a big hug.

I don't really know how I feel about his character, though... sometimes I like him, sometimes I don't. I just feel like he has a big, kind heart underneath that cheesy and cocky surface and I know he'll eventually grow on me.

Also, does he have a crush on April or is he just being, you know, himself..? Because I'm not a huge fan of love triangles and I think Chexton is endgame, but I don't know??? I don't wanna see what could happen with the three of them, but I also wanna see it. It makes no sense, good.

William and Natalie (≠ Manstead, careful there). Did you notice how cool it was without the two of them causing unnecessary drama? They suddenly became almost lovable (I actually would die for Will, who the fuck I'm kidding lol) when they're not near one another. Seriously though, I liked them in these episodes (yup, Natalie too, unbelievable!)

Okay, I'll stop with this shitty type of sarcasm. It's not even funny LMFAO.

I am so into this intelligent, witty and super capable version of William Halstead and, yeah, I know the emergency situation required him to be, but I feel like maybe Andrea's presence spurred him a little bit? I'm just randomly guessing here.

And Natalie too! I loved the interaction between her and Hailey, I think they never ever spoke to each other before, so it was cool to see them together.

About Hailey... the promo pictures truly misled me (and my fellow Upstead shippers) and now I feel stupid for believing they were gonna feed us with some juicy content. I mean, I wasn't expecting Jay to confess his feeling to Hailey (even thought, in my - not - humble opinion, he already did in 6.22), but damn bro!!! He didn't give two fucks about how she was doing. He literally only went to Med to update her on the investigations and that's all. I feel betrayed. Not only by Jay, but by the whole unit, except for my giant teddy bear Kevin and Voight (he cares in his own way). What I'm saying is, of course the squad was concerned about her (I hope so?), it would've been cool to see it (I'm a chaotic bitch, leave me alone).

Maggie and Sharon. You’re telling me that Maggie needed Sharon to force her into going home, otherwise she would’ve stayed at the hospital? I love Maggie, she’s my favorite character in Med, but that’s just dumb. Periodth. I’m glad Sharon sent her home... the fuck?

PD:

Good Lord, Jay Halstead really seemed to be concerned about his brother well-being. That's a first! I bet they read the post in which I was ranting about him not giving a damn whenever Will gets injured. The definitely read it (yup, sure honey).

The scene in which he was being held hostage by that scien-terrorist (Hailey thing her hair up was super sexy to see, by the way)... Jay, did you really had to make that long ass cut on your arm? I swear to God, he's so extra sometimes (6.07!!!), he could've just cut the tip of one of his fingers. Like, hello?

I know y'all kinda hate him, but can we protect William Halstead forever and ever? Cutie wanted to follow Voight to wherever Jay was.

Will is dumb af (like dumb dumb) but he's a sweetie.

Rojas and Atwater go get drinks together. I see y'all, that's what I want to hear. But how come Trudy Platt, queen of roasting people, didn't tease Vanessa about it? She's must've been really exhausted, that had been a hell of a day!

Adam and Kim. Are they forreal? I mean, their scene lasted, what, 1 minute max, and it was the ultimate hottest thing. And they were only looking at each other and their fingers were touching. That's all. They're driving me insane already, good. I like it. They got some beautiful round asses, both Marina and Paddy. Congrats. I guess Grandpa Hank is gonna have another grandchild (Ruzek is basically Hank's son, we all know that).

Jay Halstead smiling at life for once... it makes me smile too.

I always love me some Halstead brothers scenes, it's always good to see them together.

________________________

The plot idea was cool, very Halloween-esque, and it made me think of Justin Timberlake’s song Supplies (the world can end now, baby, we’ll be living in The Walking Dead).

I absolutely loved how everything had been so smoothly done: Brett and Foster at Med, Kim at the crime scene, Boden’s phone call, Voight driving the car, and I could go on forever with examples... what I’m tryna say is that the interaction between the characters was portrayed super well. Whoever edited the crossover certainly did their part, but I think all of this is also due to the fact that the cast members are friends in real life too and, yeah, it was super cool to see them all together.

Sounds superfluous to say it, but I loved this crossover. It’s definitely my favorite one, hands down.

15 notes · View notes

crazy-little-cool-cat · 6 years ago

Text

Hand in Glove - Chapter 13 | Ben Hardy x OFC

A/N: Well, this is interesting. I really didn’t expect to finish this chapter so soon but Saturday was very productive and I got to work from home, which means I got 0 work done but instead chose to write. It is what it is.

Word Count: ~4.2K

Warnings: Implied smut, actually. Fluff. Lots of Clara/Annie time, lots of Gwil/Ben time. Drinking, swearing, the usual.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12

“It’s just an expression!”

“You called me a loser. Me!”

“Considering the fact that my girlfriend is a lot hotter than your girlfriend,” Ben glanced at Gwil, “I’d say it’s definitely a possibility.”

“First of all, that is disgusting!” Gwil faked a gag. “Second of all, I’m not the one who knocked up his mentally unstable girlfriend.”

“She’s not mentally unstable!”

“Right, okay,” Gwil snickered, “just crazy, then?”

“She’s not crazy.”

“Yep, sure.”

“She isn’t! Will you please put something else on, for fuck’s sake? I can’t believe you’re a Tom Jones fan!” Ben rolled his eyes. “God, you’re like an eighty year old man!”

“Fine, I’ll just put on some Abba then -”

“No!!!”

“Queen?”

“Might as well. We could rehearse.”

“I feel bad, rehearsing without the rest of the band.”

“She’s not mentally unstable!”

“Oh, back to that, then?” Gwil chuckled, “alright.”

“She just loves really, really hard.” Ben looked over at Gwil, who nodded slowly with puckered lips. “What?”

“I’ve never heard a more accurate description, is all.”

Ben and Gwil jumped a little when Roger’s screaming falsetto attacked them from the speakers. Frankie started howling along. Gwil quickly fumbled with the volume knob, turning it down to a reasonable volume.

“Ben, do you think you can go that high?”

“Once, Annie accidentally kneed me in the groin and I’m pretty sure I did.”

###

Clara held up her third glass of wine with one hand as she pulled the hem of her oversized Wonder Woman t-shirt over her folded knees. She looked from her glass of wine to Annie’s bump, humming pensively.

“Banana?” Clara tilted her head slightly, “I wanna try something. Don’t breathe!”

“What?!”

“Stop breathing!”

“I need to breathe, you plum!” Annie scoffed. “What are you planning?”

“Lemme!” Clara leaned forward and carefully hovered her wine glass over Annie’s bump.

“Oh, God,” Annie rolled her eyes and leaned back, “fine. Go ahead.”

“Yay!” Clara’s eyes lit up.

“But if I end up smelling like a drunk housewife, I’ll cut you.”

“You would never!”

“You know I would.” Annie glared at her best friend.

“Yeah, yeah,” Clara chuckled, “you still owe me a disembowelment from five years ago. All bark,” Clara placed the glass on Annie’s bump and leaned back, her hands in the air, smiling proudly. “No bite.”

Annie grabbed the glass and brought it to her nose, taking a deep breath.

“Bumpy,” Annie looked down and rubbed her bump with her other hand, “is it okay if mummy has a sip?”

“Annie!” Clara gasped just as Bumpy kicked Annie’s bladder.

“Guess not!” Annie grimaced and passed the glass off to Clara, scrambling to her feet and running as best as she could to the loo.

Annie didn’t even bother closing the door behind her. Wiggling her hips, she sat down and sighed with relief when Clara appeared in the doorway, wine glass in hand.

“Is the sex any different? Now that you’re preggers?” Clara glanced at her glass and downed its’ contents. “Like, super sensitive and whatnot?”

“I don’t know.” Annie tapped her toes on the tile flooring, leaning her elbows on her knees. She propped her chin on the palm of her hand and sighed. "Sex with Ben is always different.”

“I mean,” Clara leaned against the door frame and flipped her glass upside down, “I heard someone say it was like having sex while high on MJ”.

“He’s just so surprising,” Annie gushed as she rolled toilet paper around her hand, “can you please just turn around for a sec?”

“Banana, I’ve seen your bizz more times than I care to admit.”

“Yeah, but not when I peed!”

“Fine. I’ll just go pour me some more fun juice.”

“Yes!” Annie nodded, “you do that! You’re drinking for both of us now!”

“He’s just so freaking hot!” Clara yelled from the kitchen.

“I know!” Annie sighed with a smile, thinking of Ben. Suddenly, the realization hit her - maybe Clara wasn’t talking about Gwil anymore? “Wait! Who?”

###

“I know you’re in a rush,” Gwil was dancing in his seat, and not because of the music, “but I need to make a quick stop.”

“Christ, Gwil, even Frankie can hold it!” Ben groaned.

“First you call me a loser,” Gwil huffed, “then you compare me to a dog. Frankie?” Gwil twisted in his seat to look back at the sleepy pup, “need to go pee pee?”

Frankie started wagging her tail, slapping it against the back seat. Ben rolled his eyes and pulled over, turning his blinkers on.

“Well, go ahead then, you big baby!” he muttered as Gwil opened his door and took a few steps into the darkness. He drummed along to the music on the steering wheel as he waited for Gwil’s lanky body to collapse back into the passenger seat. “All good?”

“All good.”

The song on the playlist changed and a familiar riff played through. Ben laughed at Gwil’s music, his eyebrows shooting up.

“TLC?” Ben chuckled, “seriously?”

“Hey, I don’t want no scrubs, okay?”

“My God…”

Gwil started lip-syncing along to the lyrics, adding dramatic hand gestures. Ben laughed but couldn’t help but join in. Soon enough, Gwil was filming them both rocking it out to No Scrubs and sent it to Joe. Without fail, Joe’s hysterical voice came through the speaker phone.

“What is this?!”

“Hey buddy!” Ben glanced over at Gwil, who was still doing his interpretive dance. “What are you doing up?”

“Where are you?!”

“On our way to Truro.”

“Who the fuck is that?!”

“God, you’re so bloody American…” Gwil finally spoke. “It’s not who. It’s where.”

“Well, where the fuck is that?!”

“About five hours away?” Ben looked at his navigation app, “well, we’re halfway there, so two and a half hours.”

“But why?”

“Because Ben is impulsive and Annie is holding my girlfriend hostage.” Gwil said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe.

“You’re going to see Annie?”

“Yep.” Ben couldn’t stop smiling.

“Is he smiling like an idiot?” Joe asked.

“He sure is.” Gwil snorted.

“Have fun, guys.”

###

“It’s been 84 years, Annie!” Clara face-planted into a throw pillow on the sofa, “I’m not okay!”

“It’s literally been just over a week!”

“I miss Gwil!”

“I know, it’s all you’ve been saying for the last hour.” Annie yawned.

“I just wish he was here, okay?” Clara whined. “I have needs!”

“Please don’t talk about your needs.”

“Alright, my little cautionary tale,” Clara teased, “I won’t. We’ve seen where needs will get you.”

“Excuse you!” Annie kicked her gently, “you apologise to Bumpy right now!”

“No!”

“Clara, you will never get to see this baby -”

“Okay!” Clara groaned, “I’m sorry, Bumpy.”

“Apology accepted.”

“I need Gwil.” Clara sighed, cuddling up to Annie’s side.

“As appalled as I am by it,” Annie stroked Clara’s hair, “I get it. I need Ben.”

They sat together in comfortable silence for a few minutes, lost in thought.

“I have an idea!” Clara almost fell face-first into the coffee table in her rush to get to her phone. Tapping clumsily at the screen, she turned on the front camera and curled back up to Annie’s side. “Hear me out on this one.”

“All ears.”

“What if we do a boomerang and send it to Gwil?” Clara had a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, “I mean, Ben and Gwil are together for sure. Killing two birds with one stone and whatnot.”

“Okay?”

“So we’re going to pretend to go in for a kiss, yeah?”

“Clara, if you want to make out with me, you can just ask and I’ll say no.”

“Get over yourself, love!” Clara scoffed, “I’m not going to kiss you for real!”

“Good, Ben wouldn’t like that.”

“I have a feeling he would, actually.” Clara held her phone up in front of them, trying to get a good angle, “okay, ready?”

“You’re all shaky, Clara!” Annie snatched the phone away, “God you have zero tolerance for alcohol, you leaf!”

Clara rolled her eyes and took Annie’s face in her hands. They counted to three and leaned in, parting their lips and bumping their noses together.

“Right, let’s see what we got!” Clara rubbed her hands before reaching for her phone. “Oh, yeah, they’ll like this.”

“Let me see!” Annie tilted Clara’s hand and peered at the screen. “Oh. Yes.”

###

“What the…” Gwil mumbled as he looked at his phone. “What is happening?” “What?” Ben munched on a candy bar as he drove.

“I don’t -”

“What is it?” Ben’s gaze flickered from Gwil’s bewildered face to the dark road. “Well, it’s something Clara sent me.”

“Oh?” Ben grinned a bit lopsided, “sent you some racy photos eh?”

“Not quite a photo…”

“Well, let me see!”

“No!” Gwil pressed the phone to his chest, “no. You’ll end up killing us!”

“Oh, come on!”

“I mean it!” Gwil switched the screen off, “Annie’s in it, too.”

“Fuck you!” Ben whined. “Now I have to see it! Although,” Ben chuckled, “you getting all flustered on your pregnant cousin’s nude is -”

“You are absolutely disgusting, Ben!” Gwil smacked him on the back of his head, “they’re not naked! Both are clothed!”

“Well then I don’t see what the big deal about it is!” Ben rubbed the back of his head.

“Pull over.”

“Now you have to pee again?”

“No, you twat,” Gwil groaned, “I need you to pull over so we don’t wreck the car and die!”

“Jesus, you’re so dramatic sometimes.” Ben muttered, “it’s like having a fit is in your DNA.”

“Just shut up and do it.” Gwil commanded.

With a huge sigh, Ben pulled over to the side of the road and parked. His jaw clenched shut, he glared at Gwil.

“Well, are you going to show me or…” Ben’s rant was cut sort by the two girls moving in on each other and back again, as if they are about to kiss. Their noses bumped and their lips barely brushed against each other, and they both had the most devilish smiles on their faces. “Fucking hell.”

###

Clara sat sulking on the rug, her back against the sofa. She gave up on using a glass and was now drinking straight from the bottle as Annie braided her hair in French plaits.

“Maybe he’s asleep and he just didn’t see it?” Annie said soothingly, “he’s an old man, babe.”

“He hated it!” Clara’s speech was starting to slur, but that still didn’t stop her from chugging on her second bottle of wine. “I ruined everything!”

“You didn’t ruin anything, woman!” Annie’s nimble fingers wove Clara’s blonde locks into perfect braids. She heard a sniffle and a stuttered breath. “Are you actually crying right now?”

“You just don’t understand!”

“Oh my God, you’ve finally gone mad.”

“Shut up!”

“Clara, he’s probably just asleep. You have nothing to worry about.”

Clara’s legs slid forward. She looked like a rag-doll, sitting down with no pants, a t-shirt that could be considered a dress with how long it was on her body and pigtails. Her cheeks were flushed from alcohol and embarrassment and her bottom lip stuck out in a pout. She winked and peered into the bottle of wine.

“S’almost over!” she tilted her head back and looked at Annie with big, glossy eyes, “need more!”

“I think you’ve had enough, actually.”

“Oh, don’t be such a mum!”

“I’m just not keen on cleaning up after you’ve hurled everywhere!”

“Hey, I’m being a good friend here!” Clara tried to point at herself but her hand-eye coordination was long gone, “I’m helping you prepare!”

“Prepare?”

“Um? Yeah?” Clara raised her eyebrows and scoffed, “for when little Josephine comes out!”

###

They rode in silence. Ben’s eyes were fixed forward. He felt like his heart is going to beat itself right out of his chest. He kept looking down at the dashboard to make sure he’s going as fast as he can without speeding, but his foot felt a bit heavy on the gas pedal. He needed to get to Annie, fast.

Gwil, on the other hand, leaned back and closed his eyes. His hands were strategically placed in his lap, hiding the aftermath of Clara and Annie’s teasing. He bit the inside of his cheek, imagining every possible scenario he could think of.

“How much longer?” Gwil’s eyes fluttered open and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“GPS says one hour.”

“Why would she even send that?” Gwil rubbed the scruff on his chin, “I mean, with my cousin, for fuck’s sake!”

“They probably just assumed we were together.”

“They’re not wrong.”

“Nope.”

“Can you go any faster?” Gwil knees bounced impatiently.

“Believe me, I want to.” Ben muttered.

###

“Alright, alright!” a loud hiccup escaped Clara’s mouth, “would you rather sit on a hedgehog or shower with bees?”

“What?!”

“Sit on a hedgehog or shower with bees?”

“How do you even -”

“Don’t dwell on it, man! Just pick one!”

“Sit on a hedgehog!” Annie blurted out. “Don’t yell at me!”

“I’m not yelling!”

“Christ, your drunk voice is so loud!” Annie covered her ears, “volume, lady!”

“Sorry!” Clara whispered.

“Okay. Would you rather…” Annie tapped her finger against her chin as she tried to come up with something. “Would you rather fuck a Teletubby or lick an octopus?”

“Which Teletubby?”

“Does it really fucking matter?”

“Solid point.” Clara yawned. “Lick an octopus.”

“You are disgusting.”

“It’s why you love me.” Clara stood up, swaying a bit on her feet. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a toilet to cuddle.”

###

“What if they’re both asleep and they won’t hear us knocking?” Ben’s eyes were as big as saucers. “What if she didn’t leave the light on and was just kidding and -”

“Ben, mate,” Gwil rubbed his face groggily, “it’s half past two. I’m knackered. Can you stop with this nonsense?”

Ben could have sworn his entire body was buzzing with anxiety and excitement. Frankie was sleeping on her back, paws in the air, in the back seat. On one hand, he envied her more than he cared to admit. On the other hand, he felt like he will never sleep again.

“Gwil?”

“Yeah?” Gwil yawned out.

“Thanks. For coming with me.”

“S’nothing, really.” Gwil shrugged. “You missed your girl, I missed mine.”

“No, really. I owe you.”

“Oh, yeah?” Gwil smiled lazily, “alright then. You can repay me right now if you want.”

“Sure,” Ben nodded, “anything.”

“What’s the baby’s name?”

“Anything but that.”

“Oh, come on!” Gwil groaned. “I’m the godfather! I have a right to know!”

“We’re not telling anyone until Elvis will leave the building, mate!” Ben rolled his eyes, “not even our own families.”

“It’s the only way your can repay me for coming with you, Ben.”

“Shut up.”

“I mean it!” Gwil bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing. “Either you tell me what the baby’s name is right now or you’ll owe me for the rest of your life!”

“You’re not going to let this go?”

“Nope.”

“Ugh. Fine.”

“Hold on then, I need to document this.” Gwil fumbled with his phone and turned on the camera. “Go.”

“Her name is Josephine. Will you let it go, now?”

“You have reached your destination.” The robotic lady on the GPS app announced.

“The light is on.” Ben looked at the door and beamed.

###

Annie grunted as she opened her eyes. The knocking on the door wouldn’t stop. She looked at the clock on the wall and groaned when she saw the time - it was almost three in the morning. A slight panic washed over her; people don’t just knock on doors at this time. She got up as quietly as she could and tip-toed her way to the front door. After taking a deep breath, she looked out the peephole.

Her chin started quivering, her hands shaking. Through the fisheye lens, she saw Ben’s beautiful, tired face, and Gwil right behind him. Frankie’s tail, knocking rhythmically against the wall, was like music to Annie’s ears. She flung the door open, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.

“Shhh, hey,” Ben cooed and engulfed her in his arms, kissing the top of her head, “what’s wrong?”

Annie couldn’t form a coherent sentence. All she could do was weep and hold onto Ben for dear life. She felt Ben’s tears wet her hair and tried to hug him even tighter. She didn’t know why she was crying, or why he was crying.

“We’re pathetic,” Ben wiped his cheeks on his arms before he tended to Annie’s, “aren’t we?”

“Mmm’yeah…” Annie smiled, despite the crying, and bit her bottom lip. She leaned into Ben’s touch, turning her head to kiss the palms of his hands. Frankie stood up on her hind legs, scratching at Annie’s hip for attention. “Hi, baby! I missed you!”

“Where is she?” Gwil grunted as he zoomed past them, “hi Banana.”

“In her room, second door to the left,” Annie said without taking her eyes off of Ben. “What are you doing here?”

“I told you, I wasn’t going home tonight,” Ben pressed his forehead to hers, “and I couldn’t just leave Frankie all alone until Monday.”

“I just didn’t believe you’d actually drive five hours in the middle of the night.”

“I’d do anything for you.”

Frankie came back, running circles around the pathetic duo, biting on her bunny to make it squeak.

“Franks, hush!” Annie giggled, “you’ll wake Clara up.” A shrill scream came from behind Clara’s bedroom door. “Never mind.”

###

“I’m sorry.”

Annie’s eyes fluttered open and she looked up at Ben, her head resting on his chest. After they finished sobbing at the door, all Ben wanted was to take her to bed and drown in her presence. He felt like all five of his senses were screaming with delight, now that she was finally there.

“What are you sorry for?” Annie propped herself up on her elbow. Her free hand trailed up Ben’s body, stopping right over where she could feel his heart beating.

“For how things were when you left.” Ben reached up to push her hair over her shoulder. “For Cassie.”

“You don’t need to apologise for that.”

“No, I really am sorry,” Ben felt like he was free-falling when he looked in her eyes, “you’re pregnant with my baby. I shouldn’t have put you through it.”

“I kind of had it coming, didn’t I?” Annie shrugged.

“Maybe, if you weren’t so pregnant.” Ben smirked and turned on his side, instinctively placing a hand on her belly. “But now that you are?”

“Still had it coming.”

“You left without saying goodbye or sleeping in our bed,” Ben swallowed down a lump in his throat, “and then every time we spoke it just felt so forced and…”

“What?”

“And it scared me.” Ben took Annie’s hand and brushed her knuckles against his lips. “It really fucking scared me.”

“What did?”

“How calm you were.” His voice was barely a whisper. “Usually when we fight you’re all over the place, but the fact that you were so calm...”

“I recall crying until I had to rehydrate all night, actually.”

“Yeah, you cried, but you didn’t yell at me.” Ben rubbed gentle circles on Annie’s bump. “You didn’t even call me names.”

“What?” Annie giggled.

“When you call me names, I know that you’re just royally pissed off but that it’ll pass and we’ll be back to normal again.” He bit his bottom lip, letting it roll out from under his teeth slowly. “And then you didn’t call me names. At all. That’s when I knew I went too far.”

“But you still had Cassie around.”

“I was hoping to get a reaction out of you.” Ben chuckled. “I was waiting for you to call me a twat or a knob or even fucking Boob Tape.”

“Ben Hardy,” Annie scoffed, “are you saying that the only reason you’re here tonight is because I called you a twat earlier?”

“Well…”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Annie rolled her eyes and yelped in surprise when Ben’s lips were on hers.

They both snorted at the same time into the kiss. Ben rolled on his back, grabbing Annie. She straddled him, careful not to lean all her weight on Bumpy, and peppered kisses all over his face.

“Oh, God,” Ben grunted as he turned his head to the side and saw the sunrise illuminate the window softly, “is it already light out?”

###

Ben woke up to the sound of whispers and giggles coming from the foot of the bed. Opening one eye, he peeked and found Gwil and Clara pointing a phone at them.

“What the fuck are you doing?” his voice was raspy from sleep. “Why are you even in our room?”

“First of all, it’s Annie’s room.” Clara whispered, “second of all, Frankie scratched at the door. She needed to be let out.”

“You two are very irresponsible parents.” Gwil tutted. “Sleeping in when your baby needs to go potty.”

“Get the fuck out!” Ben hissed, pulling the covers over his and Annie’s heads. “We’re naked!”

“No you’re not,” Clara retorted, “I can see Annie’s sock poking out.”

“Her feet got cold.” His voice was muffled.

The lump under the covers moved a little. Clara and Gwil exchanged a sheepish glance when the distinct sound of kissing, grunting and stifled moans emanated from the bed.

“Fucking hell, at least wait till we’re out of the room!” Gwil grumbled and covered Clara’s eyes.

Ben’s middle finger poked out of the covers.

###

“What’s all this?”

Clara and Annie peered into the kitchen, coming back from an exceptionally long walk with Frankie. Their cheeks and tips of the nose were rosy from the cool air. They had both woven their hair into intricate braids while outside.

“Ah,” Gwil walked over and kissed Clara sweetly, “I see Helga and Brunhilda have returned!”

“Which one of us is Helga?” Clara looked up at Gwilym, eyes twinkling with love.

“You, of course.” He wrapped his arms around her. “You’re much too dainty to be a Brunhilda.”

“Oh, shove it!” Annie rolled her eyes and walked over to Ben. “What’s cookin’, good lookin’?”

“Well,” he put the lid back on the pot, “we figured you’d both come back hungry after being gone for two and a half hours.”

“Good thinking.” Annie winked.

“And since you are both on vacation, we also figured it would be nice for you two to actually not have to cook for yourselves or get take-out.”

“You’re an angel!” Annie kissed Ben’s shoulder and giggled when he grabbed her face in his hands and stamped a noisy, wet kiss onto her lips.

“Good Lord,” Gwil snorted, “he actually domesticated a feral Annabelle.”

“I think it’s sweet.” Clara cooed.

“Tell a living soul about what you’ve seen over the weekend and I will cut you both,” Annie glared at her cousin, “don’t test me.”

“I take it back,” Gwil stepped back, holding his hands up in front of him, “she’s still a wild beast.”

Ben and Annie exchanged a knowing look, smirking at each other.

“Gwil, take over for me, please.” Ben took Annie’s hand and led her away.

“For crying out loud, mate,” Gwil called after Annie and Ben as they skipped along to the bedroom, “she’s already pregnant!”

###

“Did you start decorating the nursery?” Clara asked as she picked up the dishes once everyone finished eating.

“Well...” Annie squeaked with a grimace.

“Are you waiting for the baby to come out and help you with it?” Gwil snorted.

“I mean, there’s still time! Right?” Annie looked at Ben hopefully.

“You’re six months pregnant, Annabelle!” Gwil glowered, “there’s not a whole lot of it left!”

“I’m well aware of that, Gwilly, thank you.”

“It’s just that I need my gym and my drums,” Ben scowled at his own words once they were out of his mouth, “and we only have that extra room.”

“The baby can’t sleep on the kit, Ben,” Annie snapped, “we’ve talked about this!”

“I was only joking when I suggested that!”

“Were you, really?”

“No…”

Clara and Gwil looked from Ben to Annie during the exchange as if they were watching a tennis match. They both sipped their wine quietly.

“The baby will sleep in a crib by our bedside for the first few months anyway,” Ben reminded his girlfriend, “so we still have plenty of time to figure that out.”

“What about a changing table?” Gwil intervened, “toys? Wardrobe?” Annie and Ben looked at him, dumbfounded. “Discuss.”

“Fuck off mate!” Ben scoffed. “This is a family discussion!”

“He has a point.” Annie shrugged.

“I’m not losing my kit and my gym, Annie.”

“Well, I’m not sleeping in the same room with the kid till she moves out!” Annie crossed her arms in triumph.

“When do you think they’ll figure it out, then?” Clara asked Gwil, her voice low.

“Give them a couple more minutes.” Gwil muttered back.

“How much space does one baby need?” Ben started talking with his hands, indicating his frustration. “It’s hardly Frankie’s size!”

“It needs furniture!” Annie turned to look at Gwil and Clara, “right?”

“Definitely needs furniture, love.” Clara confirmed and poured herself another glass of wine.

“Our place just isn’t big enough, Ben.” Annie sighed in defeat.

“What if we moved, then?” Ben’s eyes lit up. “To a bigger place?”

“You’d do that?” Annie raised an eyebrow. “You love your flat!”

“The baby needs a room with furniture, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And I need a room for my drums and my gym, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it’s settled. We’re going house hunting.”

Clara screamed with her mouth closed, clapping her hands.

Taglist: @ramibaby @xgoingdownx @clara-who @violetpond @sweeterthancheese @drummerqueenrmt @westansstuff @rogerinamainbitch @justgivemethekeys @blondecarfucker @cheeseedreams47 @rogerspoison @deacy-dearest @pinkmarvel @onceuponadetectivedemigod @darcyshire

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castcharmperson · 6 years ago

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Speed Trap: Part IV

[Start]

This is by far the longest chapter, coming in at just over 3k. Also the most warning heavy chapter, featuring offscreen violence, kidnapping, arson, and general danger.

It wasn’t his final con, Taako decided, but tonight was his final night. Late nights were always busy, lots of cash to be made, but that was also when real crime tended to happen. He’d been calling Ren so frequently, he was worried she was starting to suspect him. She still took him seriously, always sent back up that he’d watch drive by, but her tone was shifting. He’d hear a pen scratching as he talked, taking notes that he was pretty sure weren’t station protocol. Besides, being around actual criminals was skeeving him out- Taako was may be breaking the law but he wasn’t like them.

He wasn’t like Lup or Kravitz either though, a fact he tried to remind himself of as he took his final bribe for the evening. Whoever this guy was didn’t seem to learn his lesson, speeding off again the second Taako was done with him.

“Asshole.” He should maybe follow him again. He didn’t get a license number to call in- the street lamp was too far away and the sliver of the moon was barely casting a glow. But what would be the point? There wasn’t any more cash to get and the guy had paid a generous donation to the ‘officer spring baseball fund’. No one else was on the empty highway. A little speeding wouldn’t really hurt anyone.

He was already back in his own car, flipping off his flashing light, when he heard tires screech. Turning on his brights along the dark road, he drove ahead only a half mile before seeing the car he’d just pulled over wrecked against the sign of an abandoned Pizza Hut. “What the fuck?”

Taako wasn’t about to jump out of his car and rush in, but something about this whole thing was weird. No one was left at the sight of the crash. Weirder still, light was coming from inside the Pizza Hut. Even if the windows weren’t boarded up, it wouldn’t be open at this hour.

There was a scream, decidedly not belonging to the guy he’d pulled over, and that was too much for Taako to sit around waiting on. He grabbing his flashlight from where he’d tossed it onto the passenger seat, killed the engine on his car, and ran out.

Looking over the wreck showed signs of a struggle. He had to do a double take, but it looked like someone had clawed through the backseat from the trunk. Another scream and he focused on the Pizza Hut. “Fuck, I do not steal enough to deal with this kind of shit,” but Taako crept forward, lowering his center of gravity and keeping out of view from the broken down door.

“Cam, you’ve got to stop screaming or we’re really going to have a problem.”

“Get off me, you sadistic fuck!“ There was the sound of a slap, then of duct tape ripping. Taako peered up, seeing the man he’d pulled over tying up someone apparently named Cam.

“Now now, we had a deal. And then you went and crashed my car.” The man stalked around Cam, circling, as though this was his own personal stage instead of an empty fast food joint. As he turned, for a split second, Taako was terrified they had locked eyes. He dropped down, panting as he scrambled for his cell phone and dialed for Ren.

There were footsteps and Taako ended the call before it could connect. He dodged away from the building, rolling along the gravel as he switched off his flashlight.

“Fuck, I don’t have time for this,” the man sounded put upon, like someone brought rain to his barbecue rather than interrupted his kidnapping. “Lydia’s only a few blocks down, we can walk.”

There was some pretty intense scuffling sounds, but Taako didn’t let curiosity get the better of him. The door to the Pizza Hut was kicked open, and the man was leading Cam out with his hands tied behind his back.

“Listen, Edward, Eddie, come on. Our deal is still good. You don’t have to do this. I can get you anything you want. I’ve got connections, you know that, keeping me alive will bring you so many more-“

“If you don’t shut up,” this Edward guy was so terrifyingly calm. There was a quick movement and Taako caught the glint of a knife. “I will shut you up. Understood, dear?”

Cam nodded and the pair started walking through the grass away from the abandoned lot.

Taako was shaking, sitting behind the corner of the crumbling building, gravel digging into the pants of his stolen uniform. He should get in his car and go home. Get in his car and maybe call Ren. Tell her about suspicious activity by the neighborhood he knew was a few blocks in the direction Edward and Cam were walking. He should turn around and pretend he was never here.

That Cam guy was probably scum, talking about connections, probably worked with this Edward and Lydia duo before they got sick of him. Taako owed him nothing. Taako didn’t owe anyone anything! He should go home.

Instead, he stood, following the pair through the tall grass, hiding in the shadows cast around street lamps while they walked through a set of cookie cutter houses, stopping at one. Cam and Edward walked up the porch, and Taako ducked behind a bush to get out his phone. With one last glance back, he froze. Edward definitely saw him this time. He paused in the doorway after pushing Cam inside. His eyes narrowed, then gave Taako a smile that made his skin crawl. Edward placed a single finger to his lips, winked at him, then turned to go inside.

“I’m going to die,” Taako concluded as he sank back down. He didn’t hang up on Ren for the second time, but he got no signal while hiding in this shrub. “I’m literally going to die.”

There was shouting in the house, nothing Taako could understand, but there was the sound of a car starting. “Fuck,” he didn’t have much time. Scrambling away from the bush, he ran to the door. He didn’t even need to pick the lock, Edward had left it open. “Ohmygod, ohmygod I’m going to die,” he whispered even as he pushed the door open, grateful there weren’t any squeaky hinges, and made his way into the house. It was empty, a lone couch stood with a sheet over it, but there was nothing else.

Lup had taken him to a party in this neighborhood, only a few months ago. Something her boss was hosting or whatever. When they left the party, he and Lup walked around the block to her car and laughed at how every single house they passed was the same. That night had been been full of people and different furniture, but the bones were the same as this house. Taako traced along the wall next to the stairs until he found the breaker box. At the party, it had been covered by the ugliest painting he’d ever seen. The host tried to justify that it was covering the equally ugly metal door to the fuses. “It’d be less ugly if I was looking at the door, ma’am.” He’d said and Lup had to choke down a laugh before she slapped him on the arm and apologized to her boss.

It had been a fun night. He wondered if he and Kravitz had only just missed running into each other.

Taako forced himself to focus, flipping down the switch labelled ‘garage’ just as the telltale sound of a mechanical door started to rise. It stopped, then slammed against concrete. “Old house, old power. Next time we’re breaking and entering for real,” someone who sounded almost like Edward shouted. A door slammed and there were footsteps come towards him again.

“I thought I was pretty clear. Keep quiet about this and we wont have any trouble. This looks like trouble.” Edward still sounded so calm. Taako didn’t think twice before slamming all the fuses, plunging the house into darkness. “Now that wasn’t very nice.”

Taako sprinted for the front door and slammed it behind him. Phone in hand, he tried calling the station again as he ran along the side of the house, ducking below the windows. When the line went through, he could have sobbed. “Ren, oh thank god, get Lup to Mirkwood Court in-“

“Who is this! You think I didn’t see you try to get a call in tonight? Think I haven’t listen to you fake an accent every other week? We do not encourage vigilantism in this city!”

“Ren, listen-“

“You think you’re so clever, don’t you?”

“Ren please! I need Lup-“

“I am going to track your number and-“ Whatever rant she was gearing up for stopped. “Sir, are you okay?”

“No! Ren, there is a hostage situation at 51 Mirkwood Court in Winter county. Please get Lup down here now!”

She sucked in a breath, sound crackling through the phone, drawing whatever dreadful conclusion as to how a civilian could know of a kidnapping. “Sir, please stay on the line, we’re sending someone to you right now.”

“It better be fucking Lup,” he hissed, scrambling around the back of the house as he heard the footsteps crunching on the dewy grass.

“She’s out of the office right now, but-“

“Then whoever you’re sending should pray they’re half as good as she is!”

“Sir, stay on the li-“ But Taako had already hung up. Any more sound and he was going to get caught. He looked back, expecting Edward to be towering over him. Instead, nothing. Then all the lights in the house turned on at the same time.

“We might as well close up here,” Edward said. Fuck, he sounded bored. Was chasing a potential witness not important enough to him? What was wrong with this guy? Taako crouched under one of the windows, watching as a woman of Edward’s height dragged Cam into the living room.

“You wanna do it?” She must be Lydia, Taako concluded, as she brought out a much larger knife.

“Oh no, I got to grab him, you can have this part.” They grinned at each other and there was something sickening about their joy right now. Footsteps clacked closer to the window and Taako dropped down again. “But make it quick, we’re going to have company soon.”

Taako’s hand was over his mouth, trying not to breathe too hard, trying not to sob, not to throw up. What the hell did he care what happened to this Cam guy? He called the cops, did all he could do. Why was he still here?

There was a swish, a slick sound, and a muffled scream that felt like it went on forever. Taako was definitely going to puke if he didn’t move right. now.

He should have ran around the back, ran to his car by the Pizza Hut, and gone home. Instead, he was at the front door again and he kicked it open. “This is the Neverwinter Police! Put your hands up!” He dropped his voice, brandishing his flashlight in a strobe, trying to give the illusion of having a weapon ready.

“Ruining all our fun,” Edward sighed, voice carrying through the house. “Lyd, go, I’ve got this.”

“What about Cam?”

“Oh, well, you know how old houses are. So easy to get lost in.”

There was shuffling, doors slamming, and Taako tried to make himself move forward into the house. Lights flashed behind him, red and blue, and he pushed in further. If he could get through the kitchen, maybe find this Cam guy on the way, and avoid Edward, there was a back door he could-

Car tires screeched and something crashed. Taako jumped, whipping around in a frenzy before realizing the bang was only something that fell over further into the house. Lydia was driving away, it sounded like one of the cop cars was following her, but Taako needed to focus on finding whatever made that noise.

“You know,” Edward started and Taako whipped around again. Fuck, where was he? “These old houses, just the worst electricity. Cheap wiring, so prone to…” A match sizzled and struck. “Bad luck.”

Whatever Edward had been hoping for, this blaze wasn’t it. Taako saw the flames start up from the breaker box, but there was no grand explosion, no dangerous wildfire. The sparks were enough though, the flames were spreading to the floor and smoke filling the room.

“Help!” Another bang, from a closet down the hall to Taako’s right, the opposite way of the kitchen.

“You’ve got to make a choice,” Edward said, and god, he sounded so close, but this time Taako refused to turn around. Fear or foolish bravery, he wasn’t sure which kept him in place, but as the fire crackled louder, he tried to listen for footsteps. “Save yourself, or save Cam. I’ve dumped enough gasoline to burn him alive in ten minutes. However, you wont get out before the real police come in if you don’t forsake him.”

There was a bullhorn outside, one of the officers demanding that hostages be released, that folks come out with their hands up and “We’ll talk about all this, calmly, like rational people!”

Nothing about this guy was ration, Taako knew that. Then again, it wasn’t like he was coming out the front of this house any time soon either. “And you think you’re getting out in time?” If Taako could just hear those stupid footsteps…

“So witty. So brave. Honestly, I’m impressed. If you ever want to quit this fake cop thing, definitely give us a call.”

“How did you-“

“Oh dear, you’re dreadfully unconvincing. Now tick-tock.” A single snap of heel on tile and Taako whipped around, smashing the side of his flashlight against something he really hoped was Edward.

“How convincing was that, dear.” Taako sneered, only enjoying his victory for a moment before more footsteps echoed in over the smoke.

“This is the Neverwinter Police! We gave you a warning, now I need everyone to put their hands- Oh shit, is that a fire?” There was a crackling of a radio as Kravitz called for backup.

Wait, Kravitz was here? Taako could recognize that voice in his sleep, but he would give anything to have misheard.

“Fuck,” Taako whispered. He scrambled back, down the hall, throwing open a closet door as Cam tumbled onto him. “Get the hell out of here and if I ever catch you with those assholes again, I am not rescuing you.”

“Yes officer! Thank you officer!” Cam was practically tripping over his feet, pushing past Taako to run for the back door. He was clutching his hand, blood staining the front of his shirt, and Taako felt sick all over again.

“Officer?” Kravitz turned down the hall and even through the smoke, they could see each other clearly. “T-Taako?”

“Uh, nope. I’m a smoke induced hallucination. You really should get out here, my man. Old houses like this don’t last long under this kind of heat.”

“You’re- you’re not a police officer. You’re a pastry chef and a retail manager.”

“Okay, I specialize in pastries, but I cook other stuff too. Really, Krav, hun, not the time for semantics.” Taako tried to walk past him, tried to get Kravitz to move out of this house. He could hear the beams on the second floor start to creak as they caught fire. “Come on.”

“Why are you wearing a police uniform?”

“Kravitz, this isn’t the- fuck!”

The smart thing to do would have been letting Edward attack. He was behind Kravitz, Kravitz wasn’t paying attention, it would have been an easy escape for Taako. No matter how handsome the officer was, a pretty face wasn’t worth going to jail for, or getting caught in a house fire during a botched kidnapping. Maybe it was more than the pretty face, but Taako was not about to let Kravitz get stabbed. So, like an idiot, he barrelled forward, tackling Edward to the ground.

Kravitz joined the scuffle, but that only succeeded in getting the knife away from Edward. The smoke was thick above them, all the lights of the house flickering in a strange strobe. Taako thought he had the upper hand for a moment. Then he was shoved onto his back. Looking up, he expected death, but it was Kravitz holding him down.

“Tell me you are not working with the Wendor twins!” He shouted, eyes wide like Taako had betrayed him. They’d only just met, what was there to betray?

“The who twins? Look, I’m all for you being strong on top, but he’s getting away!” Taako barely started to struggle when Kravitz released him.

“You’re not working with him.”

“No! I stopped him from killing that other guy. Fuck, who you didn’t see but there was another guy that they took and- whatever! We’ll deal with the details later.” Taako ran down the hall, back into the main living room. He was wheezing, air unbreathable, but Edward was just as affected, swaying as he tried to move to the door, before realizing that’s where the police were and circling back, only to be faced with Taako and Kravitz again. Well, if the blow to the head didn’t knock him out, a concussion was just as good.

Without turning away from their target, Taako moved his hand towards Kravitz. “Gimme your handcuffs.”

“What? No.”

“Krav, trust me,” Taako was already moving forward, keeping Edward’s attention as they circled around the single couch.

“You have done literally nothing to earn my trust.” And yet, the handcuffs flew through the air for Taako to catch.

He lunged at Edward, taking him over the back of the couch. He was hardly successful in keeping him down, but the struggle was enough to get one handcuff on. Edward grabbed Taako’s leg as he scrambled to stand, to get some sort of leverage, and the pain felt impossibly sharp. Another knife? Or was this guy part time Wolverine? Either way, Taako fell back to the ground and Edward rose.

It was distraction enough, and Kravitz secured the remaining cuff. That only slowed Edward. He kept advancing as Taako scrambled backwards until his back hit the wall. A beam above them creaked, a suspended moment in which everyone in the house looked up. Edward stumbled backwards into Kravitz’s grip as the beam fell, bringing a firestorm with it.

“You got him?” Taako asked, forcing himself to his feet. His leg burned, and the stray embers landing on his pants were not helping.

“I got him. Are you okay?”

“Yeah I-” He coughed, bracing a hand against the wall before jerking it back. The heat was unbelievable. This house was not going to stand much longer. “Get out of here! I’ll go out the back.”

Kravitz frowned, but started dragging Edward to the front. Then he paused, and Taako was ready to scream. Why wouldn’t this idiot save himself? “You can’t wear an officer’s uniform. We need to handle this situation.”

“For the love of,” Taako stopped his staggering towards the kitchen. Lit by the eerie orange strobe, Kravitz looked divine. Not the time to appreciate the view, though. “You can handle me all out want later! How about we get out of the burning building first, huh?”

If Kravitz said something more to him, Taako didn’t hear. He turned and limped faster, as more of the second floor collapsed into the living room. Once he was out the back, his leg felt slightly less terrible and he pushed himself to a run. Kravitz would tell the other officers on the scene that there was another criminal escaping and Taako was not about to get caught.

He made it to his car, collapsing into the seat and locking the door. No officers chasing him, no kidnappers to chase. His leg still burned, but he could deal with that once he caught his breath. Taako waited another hour, dressing his leg with the rudimentary first aid kit he kept in the glovebox. No squad cars came his way. However, Edward’s wrecked car sat in front him the entire time. It was just a hunk of scrap metal now, but it felt like it was mocking him.

[Part Three] [Part Five]

Thanks for reading! The hardest part of this chapter was trying to make up a last name for the wonderland twins...

#taz #The Adventure Zone #taakitz #taz taako #taz kravitz #taz wonderland #au #speed trap au #so like. when i was rereading this taako almost feels ooc. cuz this is not a 'good out here' kind of chapter #but i think he's also the kind of guy to say 'fuck it im already dealing with this shit might as well deal with it right'#should i give a warning for cursing? cuz there are soo many f-bombs in this chapter #charmedwords

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batslime · 7 years ago

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So on Circus of the Dead ( now that I’ve actually watched it )

Content warnings ahoy for lowly-to-moderately detailed discussions of acts including rape, torture, murder, cheating, ableism, reproductive violence, cannibalism, necrophillia, and general violence. That’s right, all that in more in one clown movie! Also pretty long.

I've talked about this briefly but as a sake of an example, even if he tortures them Pennywise isn't genuinely "evil"..... it literally exists to consume, it was created that way, it's not BETTER but humans are like day-old ants to this timelessly old entity. I don't know if I can really even find the focus on preying on mostly children since it's easier prey for it, and in nature, the young aren't spared. Because Pennywise ISN'T human, it's a primal beast that far PREDATES humanity. It only tortures them because it says it makes them taste better, and it feeds off their fears, not their bodies. It doesn't kill just to kill, and I'm kind of even on the fence about being able to call it malice. IT isn't good but I still wouldn't consider IT evil. This stuff is genuinely just its nature.

Papa Corn from Circus of the dead is what an EVIL character is. Papa Corn kidnaps, rapes, physiologically and physically tortures people before murdering them, sodomizing their corpses, and mutilating them, or letting one of his other clown goons eat it. And he does it all gleefully, he LITERALLY gets off when meditating it, he jokes it off because he doesn't even see it as more than a day's work ( "What are you gonna DO to her?" "I'm gonna do what I always do. I'm gonna rape her, I'm gonna slit her throat, I'm gonna feed whats left to my clowns." He starts this reply out shrugging, and uses a tone talking about his plans for the day going on a walk or mowing the lawn ).

One thing early in the film that fades in comparison to all this but that still sticks out to me is when Don, the main character who's held hostage by Papa Corn and the clowns at the expense of his family, is backstage with them after having his seat drawn for a prize. He doesn't actually suspect anything is wrong yet, but Papa Corn already slipped in a chipper "I'm going to kill your ENTIRE family!" that the clown brushed off as a mishearing, and is putting off creepy vibes. So in his discomfort Don makes a short joke about one of the other clowns played by a little person. Papa Corn goes off on a little passive-aggressive rant at this, using language not only that would be considered "politically correct" but actual medical terms. "Ah! I see, you've made a JOKE at my coworker's expense based on the fact that he's OTHERED from you! Well, I will INFORM you that Mr. Jumbo suffers from a genetic hormonal deficiency called DWARFISM. However, his sense of humor is quite intact, so I'm sure he'll still be able to appreciate the joke." That's heavily paraphrased, but what he says here is undeniably recognizing and chastising Don for mocking somebody's disability and going to the length of teaching him about it. This is even what I'd call a very good way to point out bigotry in a way to not start a scene, had it been in earnest- because Papa's next line after Don apologizes and tells him shamefully he didn't consider how disrespectful it would be Papa says "But he's a dwarf, so who gives a flying fuck what he thinks." And then forces out a very theatrical guffaw straight into Don's face.

Again, that bit is insignificant to all the shit that comes later in the movie ( and even some scenes beforehand ) that this character isn't "craaaaazy" or just saying and doing whatever, he's FULLY aware of right and wrong even to an extent a lot of people in our society aren't; the thing is he really DOESN'T care and really DOES find dehumanization and faking people out, misleading them to think they're safe or he's not evil, funny.

This is kind of solidified again in a pretty early scene where he's broken into Don's house and caught his wife, Tiffany. Tiffany is screaming "let me go! I wanna go!", and Papa Corn actually puts on this calmed down facade and the panicky music stops, in a now very average tone, "Oh. You wanna go?" "Y-yeah, let me go!" "Oh. You want to go. Well, I'm feeling generous today." He actually SHOOS Tiffany away, doing so again when she glances back several times in disbelief, before abruptly screaming and running after her again. He then laughs as he waves his crotch around in her face, sticks his gloved fingers up HERS to scold her on her cheating, then slicing her neck open in the following scene. This really solidifies two things: 1, Papa Corn really does just fucking love giving his victims a tiiiny bit of hope then just yanking it away from them, and 2, the writer is SOMEHOW aware of some horror tropes and manages to challenge them in a genuinely funny way, just to be totally unconscious of all the others he shoves into the rest of the movie.

And what makes this a BAD character ( not a bad person, he's already that and more ) is that despite practically BOASTING all this, when his hostage who he's forced into a night of watching him do all this shoots him at the first chance when the two are finally alone and Papa Corn is about to violate another random teenage girl who got dragged into this shit at the blink of an eye, Papa Corn pulls this "you're just like me" bullshit that I hate sooo much.

"Don. You shot me. Were you just going to leave me here to die? You tried to kill me... I'm so proud of you." Nothing makes a villain I hate more, and not in a good way, than being untouchable. I hate that he's written to still be smug and have the upper hand even after taking bullets through the chest ( and somehow lives, presumably without going to the hospital? To my further infuriation ), I hate when villains who are so PROUD of their villainy until somebody finally raises a hand against them try to use the "but I'm not that bad, because you are too". T's SO lazy, it's SO out of character, specifically for this guy who laughs in people's faces as he skins their face or watches his goons gut a pregnant woman or fuck a guy's wife's mutilated head in front of him while he talks about how she'd been cheating on him.

Papa Corn is a villain who's a prime example of a horrible, irredeemable, inhumanly EVIL person, who does what he wants not just with no regard to others, but to revel on their agony on every level he can possibly inflict. It's far, far overdone and this makes the film cheesy and almost even LAUGHABLE despite all the awful content, but this is what makes him a good VILLAIN- somebody who IS evil, not just really doing what they were made to.

And then he defends himself as "not that bad, because who isn't?", which shows total incompetence on the writer's part, and that that entire concept of what's actually evil about his character has gone totally over the guy's head, that it really is just all shit that he wanted to film people doing.

It's not the low budget, poor sound and picture quality, the admittedly ( slightly ) better than expected writing, and mostly amateur cast that makes Circus of the Dead a bad film, to me, it's all that shit. It's that all in all the "psych challenging message" here that it tries to play is that even people who admit they're evil and have fun doing it aren't ACTUALLY evil because everyday average people who do good and bad as part of their life do bad things sometimes too, but they're still going to suffer at the hands of the evil-not-evil characters BECAUSE of their wrongdoings.

All in all, after everything I've heard about Circus of the Dead, it didn't really challenge the low expectations I had for it, nor did it challenge all the bad horror/ "mindfuck" genre tropes it set itself up for. It feels like a chore to watch with little to no reward ( Don and his whole family DO all end up dead, and the whole clown gang gets away more or less unharmed. A 2nd one is confirmed to already be written but I really hope for at least the sake of realistic forces at least one of the clowns are killed in the next one ). If I do have anything to praise, it's definitely Papa Corn's snd Pepe the mime's designs, I really do love them and it makes up for the other clowns being ass ugly and tacky. Quite a few of Papa Corn's lines really did make me laugh too, when he's not the filthy example of the lowest form of shat you can still call a man, and even admittedly when he's killing actual assholes, he is pretty funny in his total indiscreetness.

As a sidenote though, genuinely, HUGE props to Bill Oberst Jr. for his sensational portrayal of this role. I've read a lot of reviews before seeing the film describing him as having a "switch" needed for playing Papa Corn's fickle and unpredictable sense of calm before the storm, and I agreed even just seeing the trailers, but there are some parts of the film it really feels so RAW and it kind of yanks you around in a sense. I've seen interviews with him and he's such a down to earth, proudly and happily religious guy with so much obvious humility and sense of bettering himself, it's kind of awe-striking hearing him talk about how he looked through the script and said "I NEED to play this". He's a phenomenal actor and even if not necessarily for this film I hope recognition for him skyrockets.

#i spent like an hour writing this but its really just a more detailed version of everything else ive said of this movie in passing #circus of the dead #ask to tag

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neverisalongtime-ja-blog · 7 years ago

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Chapter 24: Hurricane Drunk

Here we are again with another chapter! The feedback has been amazing let’s keep it!

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As always I wanna thank you all for reading my fic, I love you all so much!

Read Chapter 23

Even with that hurricane of emotions, the first two shows in New York were a success. Anastasia and the rest of the band gave their all on stage and the crowd loved it. They even sang along to most of the songs. Her brother and Andrew were at a side of the stage rooting for them; Kelly and Josh’s parents enjoyed the show as well. When it was the Chilis’ time to take control of the Madison Square Garden, the four Dead Curse members joined the family and friends. Anastasia felt an incredible amount of discomfort. That was, for sure, a surreal experience: the guy she opened her heart to and then cheated on her was on stage, with his new barely legal girlfriend screaming his name in an exaggerated way on a side, and she was there, standing still and witnessing that decadent scene. She couldn’t handle it and ran away from there; Mandy followed her to their dressing room.

- This is stupid! – Anastasia said – Extremely stupid! I can’t believe I’m going through this.

- Let it all out – Mandy hugged her – The show is over you can let all the pain out now.

- Mandy, he cheated on me with her – Anastasia said breaking the hug – Do you understand that? Because I don’t. My brain can’t process that shit.

- I’m telling you, something is not quite right here.

- He left me alone on New Year’s Eve to be with her! That’s the girl he was working with.

- And do you think that in a week he decided to change girls just like that?

- I don’t know! I don’t know him anymore.

- That’s not him, I’m sure of that.

- I don’t care. All that matters to me is that I’m fucking sad and angry and I can’t believe this is happening again.

At that moment the girls heard a couple of knocks in the door. Mandy opened the door and Mark’s and Andrew’s faces appeared behind it.

- You need to get out of here – Mark said.

- Let’s go to have a true New Yorker dinner in the streets and let’s go for drinks after that – Andrew suggested.

- Yes that’s what I want to do, I wanna get drunk!

- Are you sure of this? – Mandy whispered to Anastasia so only she could hear.

- Mandy, I need this. I need to forget about everything, just for tonight.

Eric, Nick and Kelly joined the group and the seven hit the New York streets. Anastasia loved the walks around New York, there was always people wandering in them, going places or going nowhere, just like she was in that moment; she didn’t know what she was doing or what she was going to do but right now the purpose was to stop the feeling. She looked at her friends and felt jealousy of how they were smiling; she couldn’t smile, even if Andrew’s or Mandy’s jokes were very funny. She just kept looking down at her shoes, wandering the New York streets. The last time she walked those places she was with Josh and then his presence took her mind as hostage again for what seemed like minutes until she felt a pair of arms around her shoulders.

- Do you want pizza? – Her brother asked.

- Yeah, sure! – She answered, not paying attention to her truly hunger intentions. It didn’t really matter what she ate that night.

- Let’s go a couple blocks from here – Mark talked again – There’s a new bar with great pizza and we can have a couple of drinks.

Anastasia had more than a couple of drinks, and after the bar closed the group decided to move to the hotel bar to drink even more alcohol. The walk back to the hotel was a lot different than the one hours before. Anastasia was smiling, demonstrating her evident drunkenness, she went from hugging Kelly to hugging Mandy and then back to Kelly, alcohol did its thing and she forgot Josh for those hours. She knew it was all a lie and the following night she would have to go back to see him at the venue, try to mend her life and go on… go on, how hard did that seem to achieve right now.

Another two hours were spent drinking at the hotel bar. At around three in the morning Anastasia decided it was time to go to bed, but the rest were still having a good time.

- Sure you can walk alone to your room? – Andrew asked.

- I’m fine! For real! And we are just in the hotel bar; it’s not that far away. I just need to walk to the elevator and then get to the room. Just make sure that if I throw up on the hall nobody takes pictures – She said leaving the table.

She struggled to walk but she managed to act lucid and get inside the elevator, behind her another person entered. She turned around and saw him, Josh. She blinked a couple of time hoping she was hallucinating because of the alcohol and he would go away, but there he was, he didn’t go away and that filled her with rage. She was angry because he was there, and she hated him so much at that moment.

- You got to be fucking kidding me! – She screamed looking at the ceiling. Josh didn’t respond – Man, I’m too fucking drunk to handle this right now - Josh just stood still there, looking at her, no reaction, and that made Anastasia burn with rage – What the fuck is wrong with you?

- I’m sorry – That was all that he managed to say.

- You are sorry? That’s it? You are sorry? For fuck’s sake Josh! Even your initials say it so: you are a joke.

All the anger Anastasia was feeling accumulated in her head and she couldn’t think straight anymore. She just jumped at him and started hitting him in his chest with her fists. He did not put up resistance; he just stood there, letting Anastasia release her anger at him, without moving a single muscle. She hit him hard and after seeing his lack of response she stopped, tired, it was hard to breathe.

- I can’t believe that now I’m stuck in this tour watching your new girlfriend cheering for you every night while I’m still dying for you! So fuck her and fuck you, Josh Klinghoffer! – After her rant the elevator stopped at her floor and she exited it without an answer from Josh.

She cried until she fell asleep. The next morning, it was Mandy the one who made her open her eyes and the first image in her head was her hitting Josh inside the elevator.

- Oh my God, Mandy! – Anastasia started to say slowly – Last night…

- Yes, you were really drunk but you managed to find your way to the room – Mandy said laughing.

- No, Josh… - Anastasia talked again and Mandy’s expression changed to worried – He was in the elevator with me and…

- You kissed him? – Mandy asked.

- No, I hit him. Real hard. I was so angry – Mandy burst into laugh.

- No fucking way! – Mandy kept laughing – Anastasia!

- Don’t laugh! I feel so bad but I was so drunk and so… so angry.

- He deserved it – Mandy said trying to catch her breath – What did he do?

- Nothing, he just stood there letting me hit him. He just said he was sorry and that made me angrier.

- Man, you can’t make shit like this up – Mandy said.

- Do you think I should apologize?

- Apologize?! No! – Mandy said – Not in a million years should you apologize to that guy who cheated on you with a child – Despite Mandy’s opinion, Anastasia felt guilty, she felt she overreacted – Get up and get changed, we need to be at the Madison Square Garden in an hour.

Dead Curse went back to the venue for the last show in the Big Apple. At that point Anastasia hated New York, a city she always loved with passion; this girl was ruining so many things for her.

The midnight-blue-haired girl was hanging out in her dressing room by herself trying to read a book without having a lot of success on it. The elevator episode from last night kept playing in her mind and she could only think about that… and Josh, and she felt so guilty. She didn’t want to hurt him, well yes, she thought about doing it a couple of times but her reaction wasn’t something very Anastasia-like, she never chose violence, she always had this power of destroying people with her words so she stuck to that. She was angry at Josh and with this chick, it was confusing and her brain was working at a thousand miles per hour. She decided to search for him and talk about last night; she blocked Mandy’s words from her head and got out of that room.

She walked around the entire venue; she searched for him in his dressing room, at the stage, even in the bathrooms and he was nowhere to be found. Feeling defeated, she realized that she needed fresh air and walked out of the MSG. She went to a parking lot in the back of the building and there he was, leaning against a wall, smoking a cigarette. He wasn’t aware of her presence until she took a few more steps in his direction. He looked into her eyes like he used to do during the first part of the tour last year, she saw his pupils shining but his mouth was tense, it was like two different expressions in the same face.

- Hi – She was the first to talk. He didn’t reply – Listen, I want to apologize for my behavior last night.

- Don’t worry about that – He said looking to the floor and having another smoke.

- Wow, you haven’t smoked in a while – She said.

- Sometimes I need it.

- I was so drunk last night – Anastasia stood in front of him – And so angry.

- You have the right to be angry – Josh said looking so sweet and Anastasia hated that – Look, I broke up with you because I didn’t want to hurt you.

- Should I thank you for that? – Anastasia answered sarcastically – Wow, Josh, you are so benevolent on breaking up with me so I don’t get hurt. Well, for your information, you weren’t successful in that, I got hurt. I am hurt, goddamn it! You just threw me away like garbage.

Josh threw his cigarette to the floor, opened his arms and positioned himself to give her a hug; Anastasia put both hands in front of her as an automatic reaction to stop him.

- Don’t you even dare hug me – She said and turned her back to him to walk back to the venue.

For some strange reason, Anastasia felt worse. Josh was being so polite with her, deep inside she wanted him to be rude and treat her bad so she could really hate him and leave all the good feelings she had for him behind. She didn’t even realize that she arrived to the door of her dressing room and once inside she faced Mandy.

- Something happened – Mandy started to say. There was nothing she could do to hide something from that pink-haired girl.

- Can you stop looking through my soul? – Anastasia said taking a seat next to her friend – The fact that Josh is not giving me reasons to hate him is annoying.

- Um… he cheated on you… isn’t that enough reason? – Mandy asked.

- Despite that… I mean, yeah! I’m still angry about that and his coward attitude. But these days in New York, the two times that I could face him he acted so polite and… fuck! The fact that he doesn’t do things to make me mad actually makes me mad! – Anastasia looked at the ceiling.

- He is walking the bitch everywhere like a trophy, don’t you see it? – Mandy said – Don’t worry, I can hate him for the both of us.

- You know? Inside of me I wanted to see him being an asshole because that’s the image I put in my head about him this last month. I wanted him to be this Josh I imagine, this other Josh. But no, he’s still the same and that makes me sad and even more confused about why he chose her over me.

- I don’t share your opinion at all. I do think he changed, the Josh we knew would have given you a reason to end your relationship, he wouldn’t hide. I mean, we were never close to him but we’ve known Josh for almost seven years now. He is no stranger to us, to you – Mandy continued talking, this time Anastasia was looking directly to her eyes – What I don’t understand is why her? You two are so different. Despite the age gap, she is this vibrant blond girl that does not have a drop of depth in her brain, she is not creative and she is nothing like you. I’m pretty sure she knows nothing about music and certainly doesn’t write songs.

- Yes, I don’t think she writes songs about bloody sacrifices to the Gods and putting rocks on your pockets to drown in a river – Anastasia answered.

- And that’s why I’m in a band with you because I couldn’t play plain songs about cheesy love – Mandy smiled – You are going to be fine, believe me. I know you feel hurt but never stop believing in love because it does exist.

- Of course it exists, I love you! – Anastasia said and threw herself to hug her best friend.

That night outfit for the show included a t-shirt with the phrase “Players only love you when they’re playing” printed on the front and making reference to a Fleetwood Mac song, Dreams, and of course as a nod to the situation with Josh. In general it was a great show to end the New York row but Anastasia didn’t feel the same energy that she had the nights before, maybe it was because Lauren was there, with a couple of friends, watching her from a side of the stage, and singing to some of their most known songs. How dare she do that?!

To close this leg of the tour everyone decided to visit the karaoke bar once again but this time Anastasia had to deal with Josh and his young girlfriend joining them. She couldn’t say anything, Josh was friends with 99% of that group of people, she couldn’t just forbid him to hang out with them, that was immature and an attitude Anastasia wasn’t going to fall on. Andrew took the first turn on the microphone and he and Mark sang the song Africa by the band Toto, a golden piece to start the night. After them, Anastasia and Mandy performed a funny version of Wannabe by the Spice Girls, Nick decided to go with Waterfalls by TLC and Anastasia and Mandy joined him, the midnight-blue-haired girl could notice that Josh’s girl didn’t recognize some of the mega hits that were performed that night on stage. They decided to rest for a while, letting other people at the place take their turn on the karaoke.

- It’s not real karaoke if you sing well – Andrew said to Mandy and Anastasia.

- You sing well too! – Mandy said.

- Thank you. You are making me blush – Andrew answered joking.

After an hour of talking and drinking, Anastasia grabbed the board with the songs available to sing and she saw the perfect one: Rumor Has It by Adele. She chose it without even thinking about it. The alcohol was responsible, she didn’t think what she was about to do.

She, she ain't real

She ain't gonna be able to love you like I will

She is a stranger

You and I have history

Or don't you remember

Sure, she's got it all

But, baby, is that really what you want

She started to sing avoiding eye contact with Josh and Lauren, they were sitting with Nick and Eric at a table at her left, she focused on Mandy instead who was cheering with Andrew and Mark from the bar.

Bless your soul; you've got your head in the clouds

You made a fool out of you

And, boy, she's bringing you down

Anastasia could feel the tension in the air but she wasn’t going to stop now.

She is half your age

But I'm guessing that's the reason that you stayed.

She saw him then. He was angry, she could notice by his face expression. Josh grabbed Lauren by the arm, nodded Nick and Eric and then Anastasia saw him walking to the door. The amount of alcohol she drank that night and that silly song at the karaoke made her feel victorious, even if it was an empty victory. A victory she regretted next morning.

Then it was time to go back to Los Angeles. Andrew and Mark joined everybody in the flight back home. Josh wasn’t there; he decided to stay in New York with Lauren for the next week. Mandy and Anastasia sat next to each other, since Josh wasn’t there to give her moral support during the flight (like he used to), her pink-haired friend happily took that position.

- Rumor Has It, last night… That was brilliant! – Mandy said smiling.

- I feel bad, though – Anastasia answered – I need to stop the emotional drinking.

- He ran away – Mandy said, still smiling – He deserved it. Don’t even think for a minute that any of this is your fault. You are not the one who should feel bad, he should.

- I know Mandy, but I think about so many things, maybe she is good to him. Maybe he is in love, maybe I wasn’t what he expected me to be and then he found her and she makes him happy. I want him to be happy but… - Anastasia made a pause – I want to be happy too.

- And you’ll be happy because you fucking deserve it.

- I’m starting to think that I’m always gonna end up having this unstable love life – Anastasia said- That’s my call. I mean, the universe thought it would be fun to put me in an elevator with him and while I was hitting him I realized that I loved him like I never loved anybody before. You know what was the hardest thing this week? – Anastasia said to her friend – Looking into his eyes and not being able to say “I love you”.

- You still do? – Mandy asked.

- A week ago I would tell you yes without even thinking about it but, right now, I’m not sure anymore – Mandy put an arm around Anastasia’s shoulder and cuddled with her friend so she could sleep for the rest of the flight.

Read chapter 25

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sleepybiflinge · 8 years ago

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Okay, so it’s time to rant. I feel like it’s something I’m famous for. I tend to upset both lefties and righties, so this may be upsetting to some of you, but honestly I am just pissed off at the political climate today and the fact that I am to this day still seeing people on here defending the DNC, Clintons, Booker, etc. Granted, it goes both ways. There are a ton of Trump apologists. One of them is(was?) a pretty good friend of mine who I argue with on facebook constantly, but it’s very hard to argue with someone that only listens to some facts and ignores the others. Why haven’t you unfriended this bitch-boy? You ask. Well, unlike some people, I’d rather have a conversation, defending my views, listening to the other side, despite the fact that I disagree with the views of a right-winger. I back up my facts, and let him back up his, even though both of us come to the table with heavy biases. His may favour our first ever Oompa Loompa President, but he also despises the alt right. Why is that relevant? Because certain people on the left (specifically here on Tumblr) are the same. You see something or someone that (even slightly) disagrees with your views, and you go after them. You don’t let people defend themselves. Instead of having a conversation, you also turn into angry piss-babies (like my friend) lashing out at any and all conflicting views. Trump, his administration, the neo nazis that are the “alt-right” (it can be argued that literally all the things I just listed are the same thing, which they basically are, since Bannon is literally acting as Grima Wormtongue for Trump) SHOULDN’T be forgiven and normalized, but a conversation still needs to happen. We can’t just stop the political process from working for 4 years (at the least 2, depending on the senate race.). But some major reforms need to happen with the democrats. (The republicans too, but that’s not my department. I don’t care what happens to them really.)

But let’s get into some juicy topics. The Muslim Ban. An unconstitutional executive order which he has been promising throughout his campaign that even some of the most conservative people did not believe, and yet it happened. How? Why? Well, the reason is simple: We elected a racist. However, have you ever wondered, why these 7 countries specifically? Well, let me tell you, when I heard of the muslim ban and how it was going to target 7 MUSLIM SPEAKING COUNTRIES, I correctly guessed 5 of the 7 countries. But how? How can one possibly predict which countries are going to be banned under an executive order? Well, that number, 7, is pretty specific. 7 is the number of countries we actively bombed under Obama. And guess what? 5 of those 7 are part of the muslim ban. The rage that triggered this rant actually stemmed from an article relating to that, and here’s the headline: President Donald Trump is bombing four of the seven countries from where he's restricting immigration. 4 of 7? Oh my God, already? How could he? Well, he is actually continuing (and, horiffically, expanding) the work of Obama by bombing those 4 countries. Actually, arguably, he’s currently doing LESS than Obama right now, seeing as it seems that he’s not yet continued to bomb Somalia.

Unfortunately, herein lies a huge problem:Hypocrisy from the left in the face of the same damn situations when they are done by the left and by the right. Which is why I am always so damn frustrated with this fact. Obama DID do good things domestically (although, it could be argued that some of his policies were a bit right winger as well, he still did a decent job) But when it comes down to foreign policy, we have consistently approved intervention and overthrowing of countries. After WW2 our policy has been “get involved in as much shit as possible” and while I understand the concept of giving aid to poor countries, we do not need to invade EVERY SINGLE FUCKING COUNTRY THAT WE DO NOT AGREE WITH. We can’t keep doing this shit. We DID indirectly create ISIS. How? Well, Oh gee. Let’s see. Remember Afghanistan during the cold war? Us supporting Bin Laden? Remember Iraq? We go in, destabilize a country, destroy it’s government for what? Just to elect a US-friendly government? Because that’s all it’s about, isn’t it? Interfering with elections just so that you can have like-minded governments that support you. Saudi Arabia is our biggest ally, and look at them: One of the biggest human rights violators in existence. And yet here we are getting into conflict in YEMEN AND SYRIA AND WHERE EVER ELSE BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? SAUDI ARABIA ASKED US TO! BECAUSE WE ARE SAUDI ARABIA’S LITTLE BITCH BECAUSE OUR FOREIGN POLICY IS TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE BIGGEST OPEC COUNTRY!!! And I shouldn’t even have to provide you with sources for that. If you think for a second that our foreign policy isn’t at least mostly oil-based, I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do with you. If you think for a second that our government (and I DO, in fact, mean both democrats and republicans) give the SLIGHTEST SHIT about human lives and any KIND of human rights violations that they’ve caused, you’d be wrong. And yes, I may be getting more and more aggressive throughout this but that’s not the point. If you think it’s about HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATIONS THAT OTHER COUNTRIES COMMIT then you would be deeply wrong. HELL, WE CAN’T EVEN TAKE CARE OF OUR FRIGGIN OWN!!!! Or did you forget that one of your favourite corporate democrats, Cory Fuckboi Booker, along with TWELVE OTHER DEMOCRATS voted against a bill that would PREVENT PEOPLE FROM GETTING MEDICINE FROM CANADA FOR CHEAP. Keep in mind that this medicine is EXACTLY THE SAME AS HERE! So the defense of “It not being safe” which Fuckboi Booker is trying to use is being bought. And yet, when googling ol’ Fuckboi’s name, I get these results:

Which are unacceptable. Who GIVES A SINGLE SHIT IF HE’S VEGAN? WHY DO YOU WANT HIM TO RUN? NJ has a lot of pharmaceutical companies, and it’s obvious that he wants to keep those companies’ rights above the residents of that state. And yet liberals want him to run. I, for one, am DEAD FUCKIN TIRED OF ELECTING CORPORATISTS! Wanna know why Clinton was so disliked? Literally NO ONE TRULY THOUGHT that she cared about her people. And yes, she won the popular vote, but only based on the fact that over half this country disliked trump more. Never have I seen two candidates so largely disliked run against each other. AND GUESS WHAT? “PIE IN THE SKY” BERNIE KEPT A POSITIVE APPROVAL RATING THROUGHOUT! REMEMBER THE POLLS? THOSE PLACED HIM LIKE 10-15 % ABOVE TRUMP AT ALL TIMES. But it’s in the past. The DNC fucked up and you all know it. Wikileaks only revealed the pieces of shit they were throughout. Which is why I refuse to back corporations. Anyway, back on topic of Good ol’ Fuckboi Booker and Bernie’s Pharma Bill, because I went on a tangent there: Please, read the next phrase carefully, I don’t want it to be misunderstood:: THAT BILL THAT OL’ FUCKBOI REFUSED TO VOTE FOR? GUESS WHO VOTED FOR IT? THE FUCKING ZODIAC KILLER AND TWELVE OTHER REPUBLICANS!!! And yet these democrats refused to represent their people. I’ve been told all my life, “Democrats at least care about people. People of all races, religions, sexualities” and so on. And yet here we are trivializing the rights of other people. From MASS DEPORTATIONS UNDER THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION (2.5 million from ‘09-’15) to all these wars that cause the refugee crises that we are currently experiencing worldwide. The truth is, we are at fault with most of the awful fucking shit going on in the world today. I have seen articles defending the invasion of Yemen and sources that focus on the humanitarian crisis (Which we’ve been escalating more and more, might I add. Even more under Oompa Loompa possibly than under Obama.) And yet where have you heard about Yemen in the Mainstream Media in the past few years since the conflict began? I’ll tell you: Never, and if at all? Barely ever. A bypass. A casual mention. I bet you’ve been hearing about it more lately though, haven’t you? Wanna know why? Because we elected a fascist cheeto that’s why. Now you get angry at civilian casualties, don’t you. But two years ago? When the Saudis ramped up their campaign? Nah. Or how about our involvement in Syria? I’m not going to get started on Lybia, because I don’t have the time to rant even more than I already have but I want to touch on Syria.(The following source is a video) In 2008, Saudi Arabia, Quatar, and a couple of other countries (Turkey) approached Syria with a pipeline. Syria didn’t want this. Therefore, Boom! Civil War! US starts arming rebels in Syria on behest of Saudi Arabia. (Link to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s article here) And do you want me to keep going? Cos I wanna key in on Syria for a moment here, it’s the epitome of foreign intervention by the US. It’s such a typical case. I could rant about Ukraine as well, but I have done that plenty in my time, and don’t exactly feel like digging through sources to find those to link them. Anyway, remember how we’ve been reported to on Syria? That we’re supporting “Moderate Rebels” in Syria? Literally there is no such thing. Remember how everyone was outraged as Aleppo was happening? Well, here are some facts you may not have heard. These “Moderate” US-backed terrorists in Aleppo have broken ceasefires (Following Sources are Graphic) Murdered civilians as they fled,(Following links are videos, non-graphic, I don’t remember which videos): held schools and hospitals hostage and so on. And yet here we are still claiming that we are on the right side of the whole Syria debacle (Russia’s involvement happens to be the only approved involvement, and I’m not going to deny my biases, seeing as I am a Russian that has a US citizenship, but it is the only country that was approved) Do I agree with Assad? No. But should he be overthrown? Well, if you look at voter turnout data, Syria’s turnout in 2014 was 73%. Much higher than US’s meager less-than half numbers. And I don’t know, make of that what you will, but if a dictator gets more voter turn out than democratically elected nominees on election day, there’s something wrong. There are plenty of human rights violations on all counts. Hell, even the United Fuckin States has some human rights violations. And yet, here we are allying ourselves with one huge Human Rights violator and trying to overthrow another. That, and the whole pre-Trump cold war rhetoric that happened as well. (Which may be another positive of electing the cheeto. I honestly voted for Jill Stein in part as a protest, in part because I wanted to vote for the peace candidate, and, in large part, because I was afraid of what Clinton could possibly do to Russia. Considering I have family there still, and a good friend of mine is currently doing his military training, I really wanted to avoid that.)

I wanted to talk Russia specifically as well, but let’s be honest, now that you know I’m Russian, there’s no way that you’ll listen to me. That, and also the fact that hey, where’s the media still raging about Russia hacks? Oh wait, everyone magically forgot. Because they have no use for it anymore. But here, have some sources anyway. Here’s DNC denying FBI investigations into DNC servers Here’s Obama admitting DNC Emails being leaked Here’s Craig Murray talking about the guy that leaked the emails and another article on craig murray Oh, and just to add to that, remember that story on Russia hacking Vermont’s ENTIRE electric grid that literally everyone reported on and to this day most have refused to correct? Also false.

But anyway, that’s it. I could go on and on. Honestly this entire shit always gets me riled. There are plenty of other things I am angry about that I didn’t mention: Standing Rock, other, mostly domestic issues, corporations basically running our government. I can’t write a fucking dissertation, okay? I am defending my views, while pointing out controversies on the right AND the left. But yeah, here. Have at it. I’m ready to take the full brunt of all the hate I’m about to get for posting this. However, if you’d like to create a conversation and keep this going, you may. Sorry this ended up being so long. I tried to get my main points across, hopefully I did. This literally took like two days to type (mainly cos college.) If you have any qualms about any claims that I didn’t go into enough detail on or something, bring it up, I’ll clarify as best I can. Thanks.

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