#i discussed how to take down this super toxic friend with another friend of mine

[i-could-bee-an-angel]

eendeego and magaynta ! 💞✨🌸 hope you’re having a lovely day !!

i care you too 🥺💙

*bonks you back with a paper tube*

[the-dragon-hearted]

I feel like we, as human beings should address the one overarching issue of not just the Dream smp fandom, but any place where people come together and discuss things they love. The issue: Debate. Discourse. Deliberation. Okay, that was three issues, but you get the picture. We, as a society (yes I'm throwing the 'S' word out there) need to get better at Debate. I get it, the four-year-olds on political stages have set a horrible example but I am here to give y'all a Tedd Talk on arguments, mostly pertaining to content creators but this can be used in any disagreement you ever hold. How to Properly Hold an Argument without being a Child in 4 Steps: Step 1: Never walk into a Debate expecting to change the other's mind This is a big one and it's one of the hardest to grasp. What? What do you mean? What's the purpose of argument if I don't convince the other they're wrong? The purpose of a debate is to offer your opinion and defend it against the world while you pick another's claim apart. Don't expect to change someone's mind. For your own benefit. If you see an opinion that is absolutely horrendus out there on social media, YouTube, Twitchchat, et cetera... and you click on it to refute it. You need to understand you're not refuting it to change that person's mind, but to display to the rest of your collegues why that opinion is, well... Bullshit. You live in a society where people are Ignorant, Misinformed, Sensationalists, or Trolls. Frankly, against certain people (namely trolls) you can't win. No matter what you say or how 'awesomely' constructed your argument is. You can not and will not win. All you can do is build up an opinion and post it and then suffer what 'deez nuts' jokes you get. Here, an example:

Troll: *insert terrible opinion here* Person A: No. That's wrong for reasons a, b, and c. You shouldn't believe that or spread it. Troll: lol, take a joke will you. You're so sensitive.

Naturally, this would upset you. I would be upset and it's okay if you are too. But you should not under any situation continue to feed the troll. Never expect to change someone's mind and never expect to win, especially against people like this. There is no winning in an argument, there's only hurt feelings and over-used claims. The best you can hope for is for your argument to sound and appear as the best option/opinion. Alright? Don't attack people and don't reply with pure emotion. Just breathe easier knowing you made a good argument, posted it, and the other is making a fool of themselves. Honestly, who's the fool? The informed person or the twelve year olds laughing about Bofa? Bofa what? Bofa deez - Aaand we're shutting it down there. So now you know what to walk in expecting in an argument. What do you do next? Step 2: Construct a solid Claim DON'T RUN! I SWEAT I'LL BE MORE CONCISE THAN THE ENGLISH TEACHERS OF HIGH SCHOOL! A claim is the core of your argument; the thing you're arguing about. It can be broad, it can be specific, but the most important part is that you stay on topic. Don't lose yourself to ranting. Always re-read what you type and delete any paragraphs that change the topic. For instance, if you're talking about the Dream speed-runs, you probably shouldn't go on a rant about the manhunts as they're two seperate catagegories and you'll look a bit confused. Step 3: Be mature, be concise, and do some research First things first: Don't deflect in an argument simply because you don't know something. Take your time, do research, form an opinion and come back to it. This will give you time to blow of steam AND stay informed. On the same note, absolutely do NOT use red herrings. Red herrings? Oh, that's when you deflect attention from the main topic with a shallow issue that's related. For instance, let's use discourse discusing a content creator's bias against... let's do something stupid like stuffed animals:

Person A: We need to talk about cc!So-and-So and they're Bias against stuffed animals. Person B: Sure, but there are so many children out there who are lacking connection and are never able to get stuffed animals due to strict parents. It feels wrong to only focus on one subject when there's a whole problem out there.

^^ This is a red herring. It's not always this obvious but for the love of all things good, don't do this. Second things second - this is SUPER important. Stop using Ad Hominem attacks in any and all debates. Ad Hominem attacks are the type that personally attacking your opponent instead of focusing on their position. I'm sure you can tell that politicians love that one - but it's actually an immature approach that cheapens your argument. To see it in practice:

Person A: I don't think it's a big deal that cc!So-and-So did blank and I don't see why everyone's making a big deal out of it. Person B: That's because you're a cc!So-and-So Stan. Person A: Well you're just a hater.

Right away you should be able to tell that there was no tangible argument against or for the content creator. Just a bunch of kids slinging mud on their opponents. Calling someone a 'hater' or a 'stan' shouldn't invalidate their opinion or bolster your own argument. Just because someone 'likes' or 'dislikes' something doesn't mean they can't talk about it, it just means they're likely to possess Implicit Bias or a subconcious bias towards something. Implicit Bias isn't a bad thing and it isn't something that invalidates an argument, it's something that should allow you to at least understand the reasoning for someone to hold a position. If you attack someone's personal standing instead of their opinion it only cheapens your argument because people now assume YOU have no idea what you're talking about and all you can do is hiss at your foe like a feral raccoon on drugs. No one wants to agree with a feral racoon on drugs, kind of how no one wants to agree with a politician. So, how can you better form an argument without mudslinging? It's a bit more complicated, but worth it. You research, you think before you type, you stay respectful, and... you listen to Step #4. Step 4: Sometimes. You have to accept that you were initially wrong. This one hurts. It hurts you and your confidence and all you can do is handle it best you can. I've taken debate and been in dozens or "professional arguments" (I hate that phrase) and I have been 'wrong' plenty of times. There's grace in that and it's an important lesson to learn. It is impossible to be right 100% of the time and it's impossible to be infallible. You have to accept that of yourself and those around you. If your opponent accepts they were wrong, do not continue to harp on them. That's cruel. Alternatively, if you realize you were wrong with your claim, you can admit you were mistaken and amend it. It takes a big person to do that and if your opponent has any decency, they'll recognize that. If they don't, congratulations, you've been arguing with a literal child. And now, you know everything about Debate. (That's a lie, but you know the basics and you can do a lot with the basics.) A good friend of mine once said that every opinion out there came from the mouth of both an asshole and an angel and we all have to be one of those things at some point in our lives. Debate, discourse, argument, all of that is hard and it can be straining or even toxic. Take a step back when necissary. Take a deep breath. Know that if you're feeling personally attacked, you're opponent is using immature methods to tear down your arguments. If you're argument is torn down and you don't know what to think, that's okay too. Take a breath, take a break, and allow yourself to mull it over. Forming your own opinion takes time and a clear mental space. You need both. So next time you see a troll, a jerk, an asshole, a hater, or a stan - don't let emotions get the better of you. Remember you are an intelligent person who is capable of forming your own opinions and NO ONE can take that away from you. Think, research, and then type.

TLDR: Don't expect to win every argument, don't expect to be always right, don't divert your opponents attention, don't personally attack your opponent, always be respectful, always do research, never do anything with pure emotion. Remember you're forming your own opinions and that takes time and space so give yourself that when you need it.

That's it! Best of luck Debating~

[citrina-posts]

Avatar: Cultural Appreciation or Appropriation?

I love Avatar: the Last Airbender. Obviously I do, because I run a fan blog on it. But make no mistake: it is a show built upon cultural appropriation. And you know what? For the longest time, as an Asian-American kid, I never saw it that way.

There are plenty of reasons why I never realized this as a kid, but I’ve narrowed it down to a few reasons. One is that I was desperate to watch a show with characters that looked like me in it that wasn’t anime (nothing wrong with anime, it’s just not my thing). Another is that I am East Asian (I have Taiwanese and Korean ancestry) and in general, despite being the outward “bad guys”, the East Asian cultural aspects of Avatar are respected far more than South Asian, Middle Eastern, and other influences. A third is that it’s easy to dismiss the negative parts of a show you really like, so I kind of ignored the issue for a while. I’m going to explain my own perspective on these reasons, and why I think we need to have a nuanced discussion about it. This is pretty long, so if you want to keep reading, it’s under the cut.

Obviously, the leadership behind ATLA was mostly white. We all know the co-creators Bryan Konietzko and Michael Dante DiMartino (colloquially known as Bryke) are white. So were most of the other episodic directors and writers, like Aaron Ehasz, Lauren Montgomery, and Joaquim Dos Santos. This does not mean they were unable to treat Asian cultures with respect, and I honestly do believe that they tried their best! But it does mean they have certain blinders, certain perceptions of what is interesting and enjoyable to watch. Avatar was applauded in its time for being based mostly on Asian and Native American cultures, but one has to wonder: how much of that choice was based on actual respect for these people, and how much was based on what they considered to be “interesting”, “quirky”, or “exotic”?

The aesthetic of the show, with its bending styles based on various martial arts forms, written language all in Chinese text, and characters all decked out in the latest Han dynasty fashions, is obviously directly derivative of Asian cultures. Fine. That’s great! They hired real martial artists to copy the bending styles accurately, had an actual Chinese calligrapher do all the lettering, and clearly did their research on what clothing, hair, and makeup looked like. The animation studios were in South Korea, so Korean animators were the ones who did the work. Overall, this is looking more like appreciation for a beautiful culture, and that’s exactly what we want in a rapidly diversifying world of media.

But there’s always going to be some cherry-picking, because it’s inevitable. What’s easy to animate, what appeals to modern American audiences, and what is practical for the world all come to mind as reasons. It’s just that… they kinda lump cultures together weirdly. Song from Book 2 (that girl whose ostrich-horse Zuko steals) wears a hanbok, a traditionally Korean outfit. It’s immediately recognizable as a hanbok, and these dresses are exclusive to Korea. Are we meant to assume that this little corner of the mostly Chinese Earth Kingdom is Korea? Because otherwise, it’s just treated as another little corner of the Earth Kingdom. Korea isn’t part of China. It’s its own country with its own culture, history, and language. Other aspects of Korean culture are ignored, possibly because there wasn’t time for it, but also probably because the creators thought the hanbok was cute and therefore they could just stick it in somewhere. But this is a pretty minor issue in the grand scheme of things (super minor, compared to some other things which I will discuss later on).

It’s not the lack of research that’s the issue. It’s not even the lack of consideration. But any Asian-American can tell you: it’s all too easy for the Asian kids to get lumped together, to become pan-Asian. To become the equivalent of the Earth Kingdom, a mass of Asians without specific borders or national identities. It’s just sort of uncomfortable for someone with that experience to watch a show that does that and then gets praised for being so sensitive about it. I don’t want you to think I’m from China or Vietnam or Japan; not because there’s anything wrong with them, but because I’m not! How would a French person like to be called British? It would really piss them off. Yet this happens all the time to Asian-Americans and we are expected to go along with it. And… we kind of do, because we’ve been taught to.

1. Growing Up Asian-American

I grew up in the early to mid-2000s, the era of High School Musical and Hannah Montana and iCarly, the era of Spongebob and The Amazing World of Gumball and Fairly Odd Parents. So I didn’t really see a ton of Asian characters onscreen in popular shows (not anime) that I could talk about with my white friends at school. One exception I recall was London from Suite Life, who was hardly a role model and was mostly played up for laughs more than actual nuance. Shows for adults weren’t exactly up to par back then either, with characters like the painfully stereotypical Raj from Big Bang Theory being one of the era that comes to mind.

So I was so grateful, so happy, to see characters that looked like me in Avatar when I first watched it. Look! I could dress up as Azula for Halloween and not Mulan for the third time! Nice! I didn’t question it. These were Asian characters who actually looked Asian and did cool stuff like shoot fireballs and throw knives and were allowed to have depth and character development. This was the first reason why I never questioned this cultural appropriation. I was simply happy to get any representation at all. This is not the same for others, though.

2. My Own Biases

Obviously, one can only truly speak for what they experience in their own life. I am East Asian and that is arguably the only culture that is treated with great depth in Avatar.

I don’t speak for South Asians, but I’ve certainly seen many people criticize Guru Pathik, the only character who is explicitly South Asian (and rightly so. He’s a stereotype played up for laughs and the whole thing with chakras is in my opinion one of the biggest plotholes in the show). They’ve also discussed how Avatar: The Last Airbender lifts heavily from Hinduism (with chakras, the word Avatar itself, and the Eye of Shiva used by Combustion Man to blow things up). Others have expressed how they feel the sandbenders, who are portrayed as immoral thieves who deviously kidnap Appa for money, are a direct insult to Middle Eastern and North African cultures. People have noted that it makes no sense that a culture based on Inuit and other Native groups like the Water Tribe would become industrialized as they did in the North & South comics, since these are people that historically (and in modern day!) opposed extreme industrialization. The Air Nomads, based on the Tibetan people, are weirdly homogeneous in their Buddhist-inspired orange robes and hyperspiritual lifestyle. So too have Southeast Asians commented on the Foggy Swamp characters, whose lifestyles are made fun of as being dirty and somehow inferior. The list goes on.

These things, unlike the elaborate and highly researched elements of East Asian culture, were not treated with respect and are therefore cultural appropriation. As a kid, I had the privilege of not noticing these things. Now I do.

White privilege is real, but every person has privileges of some kind, and in this case, I was in the wrong for not realizing that. Yes, I was a kid; but it took a long time for me to see that not everyone’s culture was respected the way mine was. They weren’t considered *aesthetic* enough, and therefore weren’t worth researching and accurately portraying to the creators. It’s easy for a lot of East Asians to argue, “No! I’ve experienced racism! I’m not privileged!” News flash: I’ve experienced racism too. But I’ve also experienced privilege. If white people can take their privilege for granted, so too can other races. Shocking, I know. And I know now how my privilege blinded me to the fact that not everybody felt the same euphoria I did seeing characters that looked like them onscreen. Not if they were a narrow and offensive portrayal of their race. There are enough good-guy Asian characters that Fire Lord Ozai is allowed to be evil; but can you imagine if he was the only one?

3. What It Does Right

This is sounding really down on Avatar, which I don’t want to do. It’s a great show with a lot of fantastic themes that don’t show up a lot in kids’ media. It isn’t superficial or sugarcoating in its portrayal of the impacts of war, imperialism, colonialism, disability, and sexism, just to name a few. There are characters like Katara, a brown girl allowed to get angry but is not defined by it. There are characters like Aang, who is the complete opposite of toxic masculinity. There are characters like Toph, who is widely known as a great example of how to write a disabled character.

But all of these good things sort of masked the issues with the show. It’s easy to sweep an issue under the rug when there’s so many great things to stack on top and keep it down. Alternatively, one little problem in a show seems to make-or-break media for some people. Cancel culture is the most obvious example of this gone too far. Celebrity says one ignorant thing? Boom, cancelled. But… kind of not really, and also, they’re now terrified of saying anything at all because their apologies are mocked and their future decisions are scrutinized. It encourages a closed system of creators writing only what they know for fear of straying too far out of their lane. Avatar does do a lot of great things, and I think it would be silly and immature to say that its cultural appropriation invalidates all of these things. At the same time, this issue is an issue that should be addressed. Criticizing one part of the show doesn’t mean that the other parts of it aren’t good, or that you shouldn’t be a fan.

If Avatar’s cultural appropriation does make you uncomfortable enough to stop watching, go for it. Stop watching. No single show appeals to every single person. At the same time, if you’re a massive fan, take a sec (honestly, if you’ve made it this far, you’ve taken many secs) to check your own privilege, and think about how the blurred line between cultural appreciation (of East Asia) and appropriation (basically everybody else) formed. Is it because we as viewers were also captivated by the aesthetic and overall story, and so forgive the more problematic aspects? Is it because we’ve been conditioned so fully into never expecting rep that when we get it, we cling to it?

I’m no media critic or expert on race, cultural appropriation, or anything of the sort. I’m just an Asian-American teenager who hopes that her own opinion can be put out there into the world, and maybe resonate with someone else. I hope that it’s given you new insight into why Avatar: The Last Airbender is a show with both cultural appropriation and appreciation, and why these things coexist. Thank you for reading!

[my-emotional-self]

Toxic Love Chapter 2

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Finding out your soulmates were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes was one thing.  But when someone from your past comes back to haunt you, you have to figure out if a relationship with two super soldiers is something you really want to pursue or if you’d rather go back to your comfortable single life.

Series Warnings:  18+, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, past mentions of rape, self-harm, attempted rape, domestic violence, stalking, death threats, possible Dark!Steve?, Steve will be an asshole a LOT in this series but I don’t know how dark it will get, explicit sexual content, mental health issues, kind of A/B/O dynamics but not really (no they are not actual wolves, more like the hierarchy)

A/N: There will be no taglist for this story!  I apologize in advance!

So it was true.  Confirmed.  Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were your soulmates. ��Not that it bothered you much, it just wasn’t something you were planning on happening.  Things didn’t end too good with your last, well, and only, boyfriend.  Not ending good meaning he was in prison, at the moment. You weren’t sure when he was going to be getting out.  

Looking down at your arm, you lightly traced your finger over Steve and Bucky’s mark.  Here is the thing about your soulmate marks. Everyone has soulmate marks, at least two; yours and your soulmates.  But sometimes there are more and everyone has an ‘order’ for their marks. Think of it as a hierarchy.  The mark in top is in charge, kind of like the ‘alpha’ of the relationship while the mark at the bottom is at the bottom of the hierarchy.  It would make sense that Steve’s mark was on the top.  Hell, he was Captain America after all.  It just was the way it was and nobody complained about it.

There was also another unique trait to finding your soulmates, at least what you’ve read about. Once you find your soulmate, or in your case, soulmates, slowly you can begin to feel each other, kind of like a sixth sense or intuition.  You’d never known anyone who could actually be able to do this and you didn’t know if there had to be somewhat of a strong bond between soulmates, but you always thought that was pretty cool.  Like if something ever bad happened to you, maybe you soulmates could sense your fear. But then again, maybe that was just a fairytale.  

Lost again in your own mind, like you always were when Steve’s rough voice brought you back to the present. “Let’s sit down and talk,” he bellowed.

On shaky feet you followed him towards the couches and sat down.  Steve stood on the other side of the coffee table, his thick arms crossed in front of his chest.  Your eyes roamed over his form, mouth going dry at the sight of him.  The scowl on his face nearly made you coil back, as if his look burned you.  You were unsure why he looked so pissed, so angry and you didn’t know if you wanted to figure it out or not.  The biggest thought weighing on your mind was if you wanted to go through with a relationship at all right now, even if they were your soulmates.  

The couch dipped next to you and you couldn’t help but return Bucky’s smile.  Something about his smile made him look innocent, angelic, but you knew he was far from that.  Oh yes, you heard all about the Winter Soldier and everything those Hydra bastards did to him.  But you also knew that he was better now, he was an Avenger, fighting for the right side.

“So,” you began to say, the silence and tension thick in the air as you stared down at the ground.  

“What’s your name?” Steve barked out, causing you to jump slightly.  

A rough yet gently hand was placed at your back and you quickly realized it was Bucky’s.  “Jesus Stevie, can you be any more of an asshole right now?” came Bucky’s reply as his hand soothed up and down your back.  

He was right, Steve was being an asshole, but it was nothing, absolutely nothing compared to your ex-boyfriend.  This was a cake walk compared to him.  “Y/N, my name is Y/N,” you replied as confidentially as you could, trying to show Steve that you weren’t afraid of him or scared of his intimidating tactics.  

“Well Y/N, I’m Steve and that’s Bucky but I’m guessing you already knew that,” he replied, letting out a huff of annoyance as he looked at his watch.  “Look, I don’t have a lot of time for this right now so let’s just get to the basics,” he began.  “This is mine and Bucky’s living quarters.  There is another bedroom down the hallway if you want to move in. There is a communal kitchen and living room a few floors down that we all share, including the other soulmates. Most of the time we all eat together when possible and do movie nights at least once a week in the communal area. If you want to move in, you will also have a hobby room on the communal floor just like everybody else.  So what do you say?”

Well, it wasn’t the best speech you’ve ever heard from someone trying to get you to move in with them. Hell, your ex-boyfriend wooed you with flowers and romance for months before you finally gave in.  But this wasn’t your ex-boyfriend.  This was your soulmate, both of them, but you were still unsure.  Your own apartment was calling your name, wanting you to come back to the safety and comfort that was your home.  Did you really want to just up and move in with your soulmates?  Most people did once they met their soulmates, but you were still teetering on the fence.  This was the Avengers Tower after all and what place could possibly be more safe than that?

“Umm, can I…can I think about it?” you questioned, eyes slowly glancing up to meet Steve’s.

His large hands were on his narrow hips, his mouth in a tight line.  “Fine.  Do what you need to do.  I have to get back to work.”  And with that being said, he marched over to the elevator and slammed the button.  

You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding when Steve disappeared into the elevator, leaving you alone with Bucky.  

“Come on doll, I’ll bring you home,” he spoke with a soft voice.  

Looking to him, you smiled. “Thanks Bucky, but you don’t have to. I only live about a mile away.”

His whole body shook with a quiet laugh.  “I don’t think so.  No soulmate of mine is going to be walking the streets of New York at dark.”

~~~

The walk home was nice. Bucky was a gentleman as you asked him questions about his life growing up and being with Steve.  As it turns out, Steve and Bucky weren’t lovers, just best friends, more like brothers.  You felt embarrassed after you found that out, assuming they were together, but he reassured you it was fine and that it happens all the time.  You always assumed if there was more than one soulmate, everyone was together intimately, but now you knew that wasn’t the case.  Those with multiple soulmates didn’t mean everyone was intimate.  They could be a brother figure, a mother or father figure, or just best friends.  But you had a feeling that wasn’t going to be the case with you if you decided to give this relationship a try.  No, you could feel deep inside that things would be intimate with both men.  

“I don’t think Steve likes me very much,” you blurted out like word vomit.  

Bucky sighed next to you as the two of you stopped in front of your door.  “I know Steve wasn’t on his best behavior tonight and I apologize for that.  He’s been stressed because he keeps getting new leads about someone but it keeps falling through.  Steve can be an asshole, but he isn’t normally like that.  It was just bad timing is all.  Please be open minded about this and give it a few days.  Why don’t you come back to the tower on Friday night and we can discuss what you decide?”

Friday night was two days away.  Two days to think about everything.  “I think I can manage that,” you agreed with a small grin.  

Bucky smiled back, giving you a nod and wishing you a good night.  

In the safety of your apartment, the first thing you did was grab a glass of water and dig your medications out of your purse.  Placing the pills in your mouth, you swallowed a gulp of water and sighed in relief.

The next thing you did was take off your clothes and get into your comfies; a pair of shorts and a loose t-shirt, your favorite combination.  

Lastly, you dropped onto your bed and stared at the ceiling, contemplating what you were going to do. Yes, Steve was being a douche bag tonight, but you could handle that.  Words and attitude were easy to deal with as your ex-boyfriend was that way. But that wasn’t all.  He had turned into a violent monster and you were lucky to get out when you did; you knew for a fact you wouldn’t be alive today if you were still with him.  

So yes, you caught Steve at a bad time and he was a douchebag, but you would give him the benefit of the doubt.  Not the greatest first impression but you could get over it.  

At the same time, is a relationship, not just with one person but two, something you were really ready for?  You rather enjoyed your single life.  Going to bed when you wanted and staying up as late as you could.  There were usually rules that were enforced when it came to soulmates, especially if you were at the bottom.  Usually the ‘alpha’ of the relationship had rules they wanted their soulmate to oblige and you didn’t know how stern those rules could be.  But you hoped you could also compromise those rules if needed.  

Just then, a sheet of paper slid under your door and you rolled your eyes.  You knew what it was before you even got out of bed to grab it.

Taking the paper in your hands, you went back to your bed and opened the note.  

Payback is a bitch.  Just like you.  Ready or not, here I come babe.

-J

Rolling your eyes, you dug beneath your bed and pulled out a small box.  Inside the box sat 15 other notes just like the one you received.  It was from your ex.  John was still in prison, this much you knew, so it was a friend of his dropping it off.  But you knew you were safe, for the time being, as long as John was in prison.  He was too proud to let anyone else do the damage he had done to you.  Oh yes, he liked to do it himself and you knew he wouldn’t let anyone else hurt you, except for him.  

You had gone to the police about the notes, but because there was no actual evidence and he was still in prison, nothing could be done about it.  

As you looked over the multiple notes with the same kind of threats on each, you thought maybe perhaps it would be a good idea to move into the Avengers Tower.  At least you would stop getting these threats….right?

[writing-in-april]

Tiny Vessels

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer’s POV)

Summary: Spencer is done trying to lie to himself about his true feelings in his relationship, but not done lying to Reader.

A/N: IM BACK!!! So as y’all know I got really sick towards the end of my 30 fics in 30 days event- I’m still going to release the last few fics I missed (and we’re all just gonna pretend it’s still April 😂) this one was requested by @zhuzhubii it’s actually my second song fic and is based on the song tiny vessels. I’m actually super proud of this one and I’m happy to get back into the swing of things with writing 🥰 Also my 1500 follower celebration will likely wait until I finish up the backlog of fics so I don’t overwhelm myself! Feel free to leave me an ask here (I promise I don’t bite) Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy!

Warnings: 18+, Toxic relationship, Lying about feelings and intentions, Brief illusions to sex, Using someone only for their body

Main Masterlist Word Count: 1.3k

The moment I knew, had been a long time coming. It had been just after post coital bliss had faded around me, reality creeping in on the sides as it tried to take hold of me. It had been trying to tell me something, something I had denied for so long. No amount of tossing and turning would banish the slowly creeping in thoughts that attempted to plague my mind. If I had turned and tossed anymore, my partner right beside me would ask what was wrong, and I knew I couldn’t answer it. At least I couldn’t answer it honestly without tearing down what we had built up for ourselves. I never had much that I say I built myself, and even though the foundation was about to cave in, I wouldn’t take the sledgehammer to it myself.

I remember when I told them the first time I told them ‘I love you’. It had been an almost identical situation to where we were now. Two people, naked underneath the sheets, so close physically yet so far emotionally, though I covered that up with my honeyed words of promise.

I always wanted to believe the words I spoke to them, the promises I gave them. Each time I choked out the words, dripping in sentiment and sap I tricked them, and myself into believing them.

Unlike my counterpart I couldn’t fully escape into ignorant bliss. They didn’t know, but I knew deep down everytime I burst open their door after coming home from a rough case. We moved through the dark almost every time, as it was the only time I was available, and it hid my pained expressions pretty well.

All the friends I was telling about our relationship were even convinced too, though I could see a sneaking suspicion crop up in Emily’s eyes every once and a while when I mentioned them. I didn’t tell them the reality, the one that I avoided myself.

It was all for the flesh, nothing of substance lurked underneath, at least for me. Every bite I gave them left a mark, tiny vessels able to be seen creeping up on their skin even in the dark. I claimed them even if I didn’t let them be mine; they could never claim me. They had said they didn’t want those marks to fade, but they inevitably did, showing how hollow my words had been before I nipped at their skin. Once I realized how they faded, how non committed the marks were on their skin, I faded too. I still indulged in the pleasures they freely wanted to give me, but I let my words remain hollow, accepting their meaning without admitting it out loud.

And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.

Their beauty was unparalleled, it always had been to me. Time and realization had not changed that thought in my mind, though I had lied to myself about the depth of those thoughts. Every brushed touch against their body sent me into a blaze, though it took too long for me to admit that that was the only thing about them I thought about at night.

Their giggle did not make my chest feel light, and our conversations that edged on deep discussions only stimulated my mind because I forced it. Their moans and the softness of their skin were what made me call them at the dead of night, masking it by saying ‘I missed you’. I would then inevitably pivot away from talking about our feelings so I could hear their moans through the speaker of my old phone I only kept around for work, and to call them.

All I see are dark grey clouds now, ruining whatever utopia I had crafted in my mind once I had come to conclude what my real feelings were. If I was honest with myself, it had been lingering at the back of my mind for months now. By now the lie was too hard to escape, and their body felt too good underneath me to let go.

It was vile, and it was cheap of me to trick them for so long into believing that the words whispered into their skin in the dead of night held any true emotion. A kiss on their bare shoulder with a soft rasp of how much they meant to me. Kisses that had been given along the slopes of their pretty face with little whispers of ‘I love you’ in between before I had met their lips with mine.

Another kiss, the last one placed on their forehead given to them after I had promised to bring them the world. And they were all vile, and cheap lies.

Yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

My thoughts swirled as I continued to stare at them, boring holes into their skin just from my gaze. Guilt nipped at my heels each time another harsh reality tried to slap me across the face, trying to get me to stop trapping them in something I already knew was hollow at its core. Denial was easy when no one else was calling me out for it; something in me almost wanted them to say it, to leave so I would be able to stop living this pathetic lie.

At some point they had sensed my eyes on their body, then looking over at me. Their lips turned downward into a frown, probably after successfully reading the expression on my face. Normally whenever I fixed my gaze on them it was out of admiration, unfortunately if I was going to be honest with myself, it was never because of what lies beneath. I couldn’t force myself to look any deeper than their body.

Too bad being a profiler hadn’t given me the ability to be a good liar, and I wondered if they had figured out long ago that my promises intermingled with kisses were a thinly veiled lie. Maybe they were lying to themselves still.

In the distance, my guilt moved closer every hour.

It would soon swallow me up whole, consuming me when they asked a simple question, “Is something wrong?”

My breath got caught up tight in my chest, my shame welling up so high up it stole my voice for a moment. In the moment that passed, they cocked their head to the side in question innocently. It was almost as if they were mocking the feelings eating at me, showing me how much I was missing by not developing true feelings for them. Damn, right there’s something wrong, but I won’t speak it out loud to let you know.

I felt disgusted with myself, and all I could wonder is if they felt the same way as I did. Wondering did nothing to ease the guilt inside, even as I tried to justify what I was doing.

It would be easier in some regards to come clean about what I was doing, to face the guilt head on. I was a creature of habit however, and hiding in the corners of my mind was one of the things I did best.

So, no we won’t talk about it, because I wouldn’t tell them. I leaned forward to kiss them on the lips, another promise to never let them go that was filled with nothing but lies. The kiss seemed to banish any worry that they still held in the crease of their forehead, their head was now cocked to the side to slant their lips across mine instead.

It was our last kiss of the night, before they went back to their own apartment tonight. My hands roamed up their sides, mapping out every dip and curve with my fingers. It was what I really cherished about them, even if it did make me sick on the inside. Though, I didn’t feel sick enough to say anything more, and I let them go, both of us pretending that it was something more. And, the only reason we were allowed to pretend was because I would not divulge the true reason I gave them those tiny vessels on their neck.

Ask Me Anything

—-

Tag lists (fill out this form to join):

Strike through means tumblr won’t let me tag you- check your privacy settings

All works: @shotarosleftpinky @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar @spenxerslut @boxofsparklingmuses @multixfandomwriter @takeyourleap-of-faith @sydneekomspacekru

All MGG characters: @muffin-cup @willowrose99 @princesssmooshie @peterpanouat @anaagraceeberr @ashcakes1918 @reid-me-a-story @cosmic-psychickitty @nomajdetective @go2sleepdummy

Spencer Reid/CM: @calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes @onlyhereforthefanfics @jareauswifey @princesssmooshie @peterpanouat

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Memories of 2020 - Initial asks and a small discussion

*cracks knuckles* Here we go.

If any of you have spent any amount of time today on any ARMY sns platform, I’m sure you’ve seen the mess which, as seasoned ARMY, I can tell you was the exact same mess we see...every single time. I can’t particularly say I’m surprised by any of it, especially when watching the entire process, as in the first clips hitting the TL and then the rest slowly following suit like a flood building steadily as the hours went by.

From anon: be ready for insecure vminies 😂

I’m pleased to report it wasn’t actually as bad as I expected, though now that I’m typing this I probably jinxed my own luck and the flood of asks will come soon enough, but maybe not. I’m holding on to the latter.

Based on the cycle in which these things happen every time, as in that the first clips that hit the ARMY spaces are Xkook ones, followed by vmin and other ships, and lastly more OT7 content, I expected our asks to go haywire after that clip, you know which one I mean. But we’ve only gotten two (?) about it, kind of, so I guess most people understood that it was just for laughs and nothing serious that anyone would have to get insecure over.

From anon: Sigh. This is my first memories of bts as army and i'm already tired of how all of twitter seems to be about 1 j*/k*ok moment now. There were so many j*n/kook m*ments and hugs and a sweet h*pe/k*ok backhug moment and a good number of vmin moments including slow dancing so why is the focus always on that one ship?

Here’s the thing, maybe my TLs are just well curated, I don’t know, but on mine no one really focused on that moment? Even non-shipper OT7s just briefly had a chuckle and then moved along to other things, awww’ed at vmin moments, there was lots and lots of talk about J*nk*ok being super cute and there being so much content when it comes to their interactions, there was a lot of chatter about basically every duo and OT7 moment. I know ship specific spaces went nuts, Xkookers butting heads like their lives depend on it, but outside of them?

“All of twt” is an exaggeration and I know, believe me I do, that Xkookers have the ability to make it seem like everyone just cares about their moments because they themselves (the shippers) are loud and seemingly everywhere, but when you look past them, that isn’t the case. Shippers have a tendency to generalize, especially those who follow a lot of their fellow shippers, but when you step outside of shipper spaces, things look very differently.

Like anon said, though I’d like to preface this by saying that I haven’t seen the entirety of Memories of 2020 so I can only go by what I have seen though I’d say I’ve seen nearly everything that was posted on twt or at least as much as I could find (including Xkook things), there were a lot, and I mean a lot, of amazing moments between basically all the members, regardless of who your favorite duo might be, I’m sure there was something for you there. Even those who are supposedly a rarity. And even as vminnies, this time around we had a feast with so many amazing vmin moments, some funny ones, some random ones, some super cute ones, whatever you want, there is something there for you to find. And the same can be said about so many other duos, we even got Yoongi and Hobi FaceTiming each other, and Yoongi saying they look like a couple while looking at the pictures Hobi chose for the coffee truck he sent to Yoongi’s Daechwita MV filming set.

There’s one discussion I’d like to get out of the way below the cut, but after that I will have another post very, very soon in which I want us to just have some fun and look at vmin, namjin and the other moments because there is just so much to find. And this is just day one of people having the DVDs, these discussion will continue for a while because, like I mentioned before, Memories are a treasure trove for OT7 content and fun stuff, and there’s more than eleven hours worth of it to be watched, discovered and discussed.

But, okay, let’s get into that moment since anons wanted to talk about it and know my thoughts on it, so let’s do just that. And yes, other anon from a while ago, I remember you once mentioning how I shouldn’t talk about other ships and shouldn’t “debunk” them and their moments, though I’d hardly call this debunking, but as I said many times since our first post, I’m ARMY before I am a vminnie and namjinist, and our blog is called thoughts on Bangtan and, as far as I’m aware, both JK and Jimin are part of Bangtan, so I don’t see a reason why I can’t show my perspective on it and also voice my grievances with shippers when it comes to that moment. And, before anyone comes into our asks to yell at me for being toxic/problematic or only doing this to make my ship look better or whatever, no, that isn’t the point, like at all. 

“Debunking” moments makes literally no difference whatsoever in the grand scheme of things and doesn’t affect reality, all I am doing is having a chat just like everyone else. I’m not even asking you to agree with me, you’re more than welcome not to, I can’t and won’t stop you. Also, just so you know, my initial reaction was just to laugh amused by it, no hard feelings, so I’m not the bad guy.

That being said...the Xkook moment.

Here’s the thing, when it first surfaced many hours ago, the moment itself was cut down to show just the moment of Jimin leaning close to JK and JK leaning back and turning his head away so his cheek faced Jimin...and cut, some even cutting off the video before JK turned his head. That’s it. People, as in shippers, freaked out, and everyone else had a good laugh and moved along to other things, even vminnies were joking about it and everything. I saw none of my fellow vminnies getting angry or insecure about it. Then, as time went by, someone else posted that scene but this time also showing the things leading up to it, so putting it into context instead of removing it. With the context suddenly the whole thing looked and felt completely differently since moments prior Jimin was pretending to stab JK with the pointy end of his mic and then acted as though to check if he was d*ad, as in the end of the scene. Turns out it was just for giggles and not some grand romantic moment in a room full of people and a camera close to their faces.

By that time, of course, those who cared most about that moment had long decided what meaning this holds and didn’t care once context was shown. Gifs and art had already been created, the yelling was loud, and the fights between Xkookers were reaching levels of toxicity I hadn’t seen in a while, which was disgusting and fucked up the say the least. But, the thing is, I don’t think the moment itself was the issue. In context and as rational ARMY you know it was just Jimin playing around with JK as they usually do, things we’ve also seen other members do in similar (though not quite like this) fashion, and after eight years since debut and nine of knowing each other, this isn’t shocking or new in any way. No, the issue were Xkookers and the way they treated this moment, some even going as far as taking screenshots and editing them to make it seem like they were about to kiss, as in they changed the placements of their heads to fit their narrative, as well as others making gifs where they play the moment backwards (leaving out the part where JK leans his head away and to the side) and thus they created their own version of the moment which was different from what had actually happened.

That is my biggest issue with this whole thing. The blatant manipulation of moments to create narratives that don’t match reality, twisting them and using them in stupid pointless fights. But imagine vminnies were to do any of that, all hell would break loose and we’d be attacked without mercy because how dare, and yet they don’t follow their own “logic” and “rules”. It’s more than okay to find any and all moments cute, we all do, to make jokes and whatnot, but twisting context, manipulating it and basically creating your own version of it goes too far. 

Take what we are given as what it is, instead of what you want it to be.

So, now that that’s done, please fellow vminnies and ARMYs, don’t be insecure or let people ruin your mood and fun over it. It’s not worth it. Instead let’s check out and have a talk about some of the fun vmin and OT7 moments we got, along with other ones, including my reply to another anon when it comes to namjin. Of course what I will mention in the post (HERE) is basically just the tip of the iceberg since tumblr has a limit on pictures and everything, so just know there is so much more still left to see than just that.

Before I’ll go, for those who still feel a little insecure/doubtful/whatever else, while I was working on this post and the other one, another anon sent in this well timed vmin ask:

From anon: I have to say this as a Vmin supporter. Whatever is going on with Vmin we can rest assure what they is special/untouchable. They graduated HS & college together, going for Bachelors together. Jimin-ah I like you the most. I want to live with my lovely Taehyung for the rest if my life. Their future is together, friends/soulmates or more they said it. I won’t tear down other members closeness (good for them) their bonds don’t erase Vmins. I’m just happy with the moments Vmin allow us to see.

[painted-crow]

hey paint i know primaries burn or explode but is there a word for when your secondary gets real tired? i like my rapid fire actor bird secondary, but lately it’s felt like it’s acting all the way down—like when i dig through all the toolboxes and personas i’ll just come out the other side. it worries me in a mirrorball-by-taylor-swift kinda way (which isn’t really helped by my lion primary haha).

Secondaries burn too, and I think you're on the verge of that--the feeling of exhaustion you describe is a key characteristic. It seems like your masks conflict with your primary; if you're using that tactic a lot lately for one reason or another and it's starting to freak out your Lion, you could end up fully burning your secondary.

(You also mention rapid fire Bird, but it sounds like the Actor Bird masks are more the problem. Usually tools don't feel like something you hide behind. If they do to you... maybe they aren't really your tools, like you didn't get to choose them, and someone pushed them on you? Just a thought.)

Caution: HOT

Assuming that sounds right, you want to avoid burning your secondary, if possible. I'll try to offer some advice, but this is going to be a bit of a shot in the dark, so it's hard to say what will apply to you... otherwise, *offers internet hugs*

A note before we get into this: do what you need to protect yourself. Using masks isn't wrong or bad, but given what you've said, I'm concerned for you--I know how exhausting they are to keep up long term, even if you aren't a Lion. But if it turns out that using Bird masks is what you need to do to survive, don't feel bad about that--keep yourself safe.

Identifying the problem

First, it sounds like you're using your masks more often than usual, and there's probably a reason for that. My guess is that there's something that feels unsafe or unaccepting to you, and since you're noticing this problem now, there's a good chance that it's new.

A new environment, new relationship, new circumstances... something is stressing you out. Toxic work environment at a new job? Friend who isn't really a friend? Situations you can't prepare for easily?

Our friend @magpie-of-a-birb has a brilliant suggestion for figuring this out through Lion primary:

Slow down and break down the situation. Make each aspect as small as possible and essentially hold every aspect up to your lion one at a time. See what pings, see what doesn't, and don't ignore any pings saying something is wrong, and especially not the ones saying you feel unsafe. If anything, investigate them further.

Basically, use your lion consciously. There may be pings that you're missing that would be helpful (like signs that you're uncomfortable with xyz behavior from someone else).

(Slightly edited for pronouns etc, but that's all Magpie. She's super smart you guys.)

Potential fixes

Once you've figured out what's wrong, you have a few general options for dealing with it.

Different tactics. Can you get by with a different Bird tool? Pick up a model of another secondary, maybe try out Badger mirroring instead? (Which, to me, feels more genuine than my Bird masks, and takes less energy.) What happens if you lower the mask a bit, if it's safe to do so? Is there possibly a different mask you could use that feels more like you/is less exhausting?

Change the situation. This might mean setting healthy boundaries, adjusting your schedule, backing off on some of the work you've taken on... you'll have to figure out what this means for you. It might also mean seeing a therapist who can help you through some of this.

Leave. This is a bit of a nuclear option, but sometimes you have to. You can't change a toxic work environment, for example, and you shouldn't undervalue your mental health. Consider continuing to look for work on the quiet.

There's one last option you might be thinking of: trying to get your Lion to be okay with your Bird masks. It might sound like a good idea, but masks aren't a good long-term tactic, specifically because of the amount of energy they require to maintain.

Believe me, I know.

Story time

I keep writing about this next experience in different posts and deleting it because it didn't seem relevant enough, but... I guess this is the time.

I have a "serious/smart/competent/masculine" Bird mask. I developed it in high school, and started using it constantly when I started studying programming in college. I was an anxious, depressive, barely 17-year-old loner girl (usually the only girl in the class) trying not to be rejected by a crowd that's notorious for being exclusionary.

And not without reason. There's a huge elitism problem in tech. I remember trying to lower the mask a few times, and getting pounced on. Not everyone did that, of course, but a handful of my professors did, as did many people I met at networking events. So basically, just the people whose approval I actually needed, career wise.

I had no flipping idea I was using a mask, and not until I left tech, years later, did I realize:

a) that I had the mask in the first place;

b) that I could drop it; or

c) how much energy it had taken to maintain.

Each of those realizations came separately. It took a while. I don't have a problem with any of the traits in the mask, see; each of them is mine to a degree (as with all my masks), but performing them constantly, and loudly enough to work, became too much for me.

Some masks take more energy than others. That one takes a lot, because I am not competitive, or terribly assertive, by nature. I have another mask ("soft/friendly/feminine/optionally shy") that I use in situations where I care more about being liked than respected. I can keep that one going longer, but it gets on my nerves eventually--either because it's not entirely me, or because the way some people treat that mask is really annoying.

It sounds like whatever mask you're using is on the energy-sucking side. There might be an easier one that you can gradually switch into (harder than it sounds, I know), but even then, it's not a great long term solution.

In short: masks are useful for things like making good first impressions or getting out of a bad situation, but not for getting a toxic community to accept you indefinitely. It's a really, really good thing that you're picking up on this now and not later.

(special credits to @magpie-of-a-birb, who discussed this with me and made this post better, in addition to supplying that quote--go follow her if you aren't already!)

[silentauroriamthereal]

So, I watched Happiest Season yesterday, and I have thoughts. A lot of thoughts. Spoilers abound and this is long, so I’ll put this under a cut. 

Happiest Season: a review

You have to ask yourself how “happy” a happy ending really is when you glance down at the time bar on the film and see that there’s less than fifteen minutes left and none of the story’s problems have been even remotely resolved.

Skip to the closing credits, and I hadn’t changed my mind. This is a “happy” ending where a great deal of the problems in the plot were left either completely unresolved, or whose happiness wasn’t earned – wasn’t properly fleshed out, developed, supported, or in fact, even happy.

What an incredibly toxic family the Caldwells are. Let’s start with them: there are three daughters. Sloan has apparently cemented her parents’ permanent disappointment by having left a promising legal career in favour of raising a family. Side tangent: are we really still having this discussion, in 2020? This binary choice between family OR career? Besides, Sloan evidently developed a different, and very lucrative career. I also strongly dislike the way the perception of her marriage ending is portrayed as a failure. Her awful parents both resent her having left the legal field, yet have refused to now see her as anything other than a parent, ignoring her new career choice and, it seems, literally anything else about her. Then we have Jane, who is overtly abused. Treated as lesser than anyone else in the family apart from technical support with malfunctioning printers, Jane is constantly criticized, chastised, literally told to not put herself in the centre of the family for a holiday photo. I was horrified and devastated by the wanton destruction of her painting at the end, too. I’m happy for her that her book got published and that she found success there, but I hate that this brutal, completely unnecessary destruction of her art happened and was totally overlooked.

I’m going to come back to Harper, because there’s a LOT to say there.

The way the parents, Tipper and Ted, treated Abby, was appalling from start to finish. Leaving aside the ENTIRE question of the secret girlfriend thing, if my family ever treated a friend or even distant acquaintance the way the Caldwells treated Abby, I would be furious with them. I used to frequently bring friends who were international students or just on their own for the holidays to my parents’ place for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas festivities. These people were so, so, so incredibly rude to Abby, from ignoring her when she first arrived to giving her a terrible bedroom with a door that doesn’t lock, to walking in on her multiple times while she was changing or in bed – that level of complete disrespect infuriated me! Just allowing those awful kids to be in her private space without any sort of discipline, consequences, or apologies was unacceptable. The way they treated Abby after those same kids – which she was stuck with, without any sort of request to watch them – planted that necklace on her, was unacceptable. The utter lack of apology for having literally accused her of theft, for accusing her multiple times after that – WOW. Treating Abby as though she was the unexpected, extra guest at the restaurant that first night, and giving the ex-boyfriend the parents kept shoving on Harper the proper one was unacceptable.

Then there’s how Harper treated Abby. Let’s start with the restaurant: first of all, had my parents pulled that stunt on my friend/guest/secret girlfriend, I would have let them know then and there that it wasn’t okay. And then I would have, I don’t know, asked the staff to bring a proper chair, and if that turned out to be impossible, I would have insisted that she take mine instead, and sat on the little chair myself. Asking anyone to closet themselves is an act of violence, and watching that as a member of the LGBTQ2+ community was actively harmful to witness. Again, a lot of the crap that Harper subjected Abby to would have been awful no matter WHO Abby was: you don’t abandon your guest to hang out with old friends. If they’re ready to go home, then you go home with them. It’s basic hospitality. Considering that Abby was Harper’s partner, that’s a whole extra layer of harm. THEN add the ex-boyfriend, a horribly-treated ex-girlfriend, and toxic old friends to the mix, and you have something beyond appalling. Adding this stuff on top of not standing up for Abby to her family, not insisting that she be given somewhere proper to sleep during her time in her parents’ house, not insisting that she be treated with the most basic respect, not defending her during the whole jewellery theft situation, and even going along with the parents’ de-invitation to that dinner – that’s inexcusable. You don’t treat other people that way, much less your partner. Then add Harper calling Abby controlling, while simultaneously having the nerve to get angry about Abby spending time with Riley, which is possibly the only good thing that happened for Abby during that entire, awful trip – yeah. I was finished with Harper by that point.

Harper also actively participated in the way her sisters were constantly put down by their parents. The responsibility of being the privileged favourite is to use your status to bring others up. Harper doesn’t appear to have any sort of spine or courage whatsoever. It was only after she was forcibly outed by Sloan – and such was her privilege that the parents believed that it was a “malicious” lie rather than a “shocking” secret – that Harper even admitted the truth, and that was only after forcing Abby to watch her deny it yet it again. While I did love John (the gay best friend)’s entire speech about someone’s love not being the same thing as being ready to come out, there is nonetheless a ton of harm in forcing your partner watch that. It does affect them. It does disavow their identity at the same time, when they’re in a relationship with you. Her pattern of behaviour of throwing other people under the bus, like Riley, is very much intact.

I completely comprehend Harper’s fear of being rejected by her family. Apparently it was a well-founded fear, based on her awful, awful parents. That’s one of the reasons why the ending didn’t resonate for me at all: it wasn’t earned. Harper’s turn-around from being completely unwilling to have her parents know the truth to claiming that Abby was the only thing that mattered to her, came out of nowhere. It wasn’t a supported development. It happened too quickly. Similarly, the parents both going from being just about the worst parents on the planet to having a VERY sudden change of heart and behaviour, just happened unbelievably quickly. There was no questioning the entire history of their practises or what was wrong with them, no questioning how they’d treated any of their kids. The whole “consequence” for Ted was deciding, of his own accord, not to align himself with a politician who would force Harper to zip it – sorry, continue to zip it – about her identity. He shouldn’t have aligned himself with that woman in the first place. No one ever apologized to Abby about the way they treated her from start to finish, from patronizing her for being an orphan or the constant lack of respect shown her, to the false accusations of theft. Not a single part of it was atoned for at any point. Even Tipper being so disgusted with Abby’s ipad photography skills was disgusting. You just don’t talk to other human beings that way, and there was no resolution for me on any of this. There were also no consequences for Sloan’s horrific, SUPER-public outing of Harper, for Harper’s destruction of Jane’s painting, for the kids’ planting of the necklace on Abby, or for anyone’s horrendous treatment of Abby in general.

So yes: when you’re less than fifteen minutes out from the end of a supposed romantic comedy that was more upsetting to watch than entertaining or funny, and you’re actively rooting for the main character to walk away from her so-called partner and her toxic family, that’s not good. I’m not sold on the “romance” aspect, either. John (Dan Levy’s character) was the only good part of this movie, for me, and that’s overlooking his completely rude ignoring while on his phone at the beginning, or his negligent care of the animals he was supposed to be taking care of. (Gross, again – animals’ lives have value, too, and if my pet sitter killed my pet through negligence while I was away, I would be furious!) But his point about “sticking it to the patriarchy” in terms of Abby asking Ted for his permission/blessing to marry Harper was spot on. For all the hype about this being a progressive, lesbian, holiday rom-com, this film managed to perpetuate a lot of gross aspects of straight, white, misogynistic, heteronormative culture, like women being the property of their fathers and needing to obtain a male parent’s “permission” to marry another human being. The only person’s “permission” that was needed here was Harper’s, and then it’s not about permission – it’s about two adults making a consensual decision to commit themselves to each other. It’s great if you have the support of family – aka, BOTH parents, on BOTH sides – but that support is a bonus, not a prerequisite. Perpetuating the false dichotomy of family vs career for women only, is a harmful one to keep perpetuating. That question is never asked of men.

I was honestly kind of disgusted that Abby chose to stay with Harper by the end. I get it, but it definitely didn’t leave me with warm, romantic feelings. It left me with the deflated feeling I invariably experience whenever a woman makes the choice to be the bigger person and submit herself to a damaging situation or relationship. Mostly what I’m left with is anger that no one spoke up for Abby at any point, even John. That, and anger and sorrow over Jane’s painting. So yeah: it wasn’t as bad as bury your gays, but it also wasn’t really a happy ending for me, or super enjoyable to watch. Do better, Hollywood. Do a lot better.

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 30: Richard*

Let me start by saying, nothing is wrong with Richard*. I match with Richard* right as the nightmare that is “the microwave” has come to a close. Now that I am mere days away from being fully vaccinated, I break the rules a little bit to give myself a headstart before I am able to actually go on the dates. I figure, what is the harm in working on getting back out there? I send a “Like” to him on Hinge, inquiring about a prompt that mentions he had broken both of his arms. The next morning, I get a reply with the story. After discussing that series of events briefly, he goes on to ask more about me and the video games I play. I step on my soapbox for a time. He tells me that he plays a video game called League of Legends, which has a reputation for having some of the most toxic players online. I ask him half-jokingly if that is his way of telling me he is toxic. He swears by his alibi of not having his microphone on when he plays with strangers, so as to not be tempted. We reminisce about Runescape, and he tells me more about some of the games he plays.

We get into the topic of pets, where he says my dog seems nice. I ask him if he has any pets where I am surprised to learn he has two snakes. We talk briefly about what it’s like having snakes, and we segue onto a conversation about television shows due to my dog having a character’s name in a show he watches, which then segued into a conversation about having coronavirus, and travel, and my changes in taste since aforementioned COVID-19.

I narrate to him a conversation I’m having with my best friend about the show of the moment, “Bridgerton,” on Netflix. Pretty randomly, he officially asks me out for drinks. I tell him I have a caveat, that it needs to be next week, as at this time I am still technically not supposed to be dating yet since I am awaiting my second COVID-19 vaccination. I make a joke that I bet he thought I was going to say I had a penis. He jokes back that he was hoping I would. I continue a joke saying I am pretty sure I don’t have one, but if I do have one it’s extremely small. We learn that we have opposing schedules, “we suck” is how I put it. I offer that in the meantime, we can text/call/video chat in order to continue getting to know each other. He sends me his number though offers that we can talk with a “different method.” Being the jester I am, I turn this into a joke of seeing how many alternate methods I can think of. A good sport, he plays along and adds a few of his own, ending in “Mongolian throat singing.” Despite the ingenious ideas we come up with, I opt to stick to contact him via text message.

Upon texting him and seeing my area code, he recognizes it as his cousins lived in that area. He grew up a couple of hours away in rural Maryland. It is late, so our transition to text is brief for now. In the morning I challenge him regarding who woke up the earliest; I win this challenge due to having a call in at work at four in the morning. We then bond over the legendary Mountain Dew Game Fuel, Citrus Cherry, that would come out at game releases; once my favorite drink, being reminded of its existence brought me anger and sadness, which I expressed I was feeling to him. We are getting along so famously, that I decided maybe I can make an exception to seeing him before my vaccine. He says he is fine either way. We start to plan our date and settle on a brewery I like near me.

Much of our texts are light-hearted jabs at each other, nothing super deep. He compliments my quirks often. He often makes jokes about having a smooth brain and sends me many diagrams. He tells me about his major in college. I then realize I don’t know what he does for a living. I ask him what his job is, that’s when he tells me he is in the Army. The stereotype for men in the military is that they usually get engaged quickly, without knowing a person for very long. Being the jokester I am, I take this opportunity to jab at him. My response to his career is, “oh sorry I don’t want to get married next month.” He says that that is why he doesn't have his job in his profile, because of the stereotypes. I joke that I have been misled to believe he had been a chill down to earth guy.

When it is the day of the date, I jokingly keep saying I am going to wear an evening gown; I mention it a couple times. When I arrive, in my skirt and crop top, I see he’s actually dressed pretty nicely and is sitting outside, wearing long khaki pants and a dress shirt. It is a decently warm day, so I hope he's okay. I compliment him, saying he looks nice and he didn't need to dress up for me. He admits that because I kept talking about the evening gown, that he thought I might have been serious, so he wanted to match my formality. I do notice over the course of the date though that he is sweating through his shirt, especially at the underarms; not the most attractive, but a person cannot help these things.

The conversation goes well, we have a nice time and I regale him with the drama in my video game community and just talk about random things. I have a couple drinks and although we weren't planning on eating dinner there, he ends up eating a burger and I opt to just "steal some fries" since I had a late lunch. He is craving dessert so we walk a block to a local ice cream place and get some ice cream as well. When we return back to where the cars were, I realize that he had Ubered there, because another joke of mine was taken seriously regarding getting super drunk. I feel bad and offer to drive him home. We get in my car and I have him put in his address into Google Maps. I drive him there and when approaching his apartment, I see a lot of construction. He instructs me where I can drop him off and suggests that I turn around in a certain lot. He gives me a hug goodbye and I drive off.

I get completely confused and lost in the construction, between closed streets and cones blocking lanes, so I get stuck in the vicinity of his apartment for five minutes before being able to find my way back to the main road. I let him know of my troubles driving, and also when I got home. He thanks me for going out and says he had a great time. Whereas I also had a good time, I found it strange he made no moves whatsoever during the night and I didn't really feel a romantic urge with him.

I get my second COVID-19 Vaccine and take a day off to recover. We still talk at least daily while he is away on his trip; while he is gone I focus a little more on the other guy I am chatting with, John*. I've told my mom of my predicament between the two men, and between her and I, I decided I'll go out with Richard* again, give him another chance. If things still aren't progressing or feelings startup, I will end it and entirely focus on John*.

Richard* asks me when he can see me again and offers to cook for me. I give him my Friday night, which is a day after I am seeing John* again as well. On Thursday, he texts me to verify, saying "I'd like to see you tomorrow, did you still want to do dinner?" I told him I meant to confirm that day. We don't talk besides that, which is good for me because I don't have to worry about getting texts from him when I'm with someone else. The day of my second date with Richard*, I text him to ask for his address again and ask for suggestions on parking, since the construction was such a fiasco for me, I'm still traumatized lightly. He tells me and after a few hours, I get some complicated news regarding my gaming community, so I ask Richard* if I can reschedule to tomorrow, Saturday. He says it is fine and so we just chat for the rest of the day.

On the day our date will actually happen, he again seems to verify the date, asking me if I'm planning on coming over "today." I snarkily replied, "yeah I don't bail, you said 730." He asks me what I want to drink, as he must be grocery shopping. I panic and say seltzers. I take a quick nap and then let him know I am headed to his apartment. When I arrive, I try to follow his parking suggestions but get confused and don't see anything. After driving around for over five minutes, I start to panic as I don't see anything. I find a random gravel lot that is in earshot of where I had dropped him off on the first date, and I call to admit defeat. I send him a photo as well to show where I am. He comes out to find me and almost walks past my car. I flash my high beams at him to indicate it's me and he hops in the car. We drive around a few minutes and luck upon a spot that is close to one of the side entrances to his apartment complex.

I follow him to his apartment, he is again dressed nicely, and I am wearing more comfortable clothes. He is wearing a nice shirt, but with jeans. We get to his apartment and it is slightly better than a typical bachelor pad, but definitely not overly showy. He is still finishing up dinner, chicken pad thai, and he gets me out a white claw to drink. We chat briefly but he starts acting weird, just off. I just sit in his gaming chair and spin around, look at his one snake, and stay quiet. In a way, I am fine with the silence, as it solidifies my unease about this going anywhere. He eventually speaks up, saying he just got a killer headache and isn't feeling well. Due to his travels, I joke about him having coronavirus.

When the food is ready, I let him serve me, I tell him to go light as I don't eat much. He had talked a lot of game regarding his pad thai being good, and unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. He used chicken thighs, which I am not a huge fan of, and the noodles seemed almost soggy. Richard* was aware of this, however, and commented that this wasn't his best dish and had used a new kind of noodles. I don't like and say that it's just alright, at least palatable. We watch some Brooklyn 99 and eat on his couch, sitting on opposite sides of the couch. After dinner, I get an official introduction to the snakes and get to pet them, it is bizarre, but kind of cool. Definitely not as fun as playing with, say, a dog. Shortly after that, I say it's getting late and I should probably go home. He walks me back to my car, which is a need since his complex is a maze. Again, he makes no moves and gives me a hug goodbye. For me, it's easy to see that something isn't quite right here. We chat briefly, for the next few days, as I'm not ready to immediately break his heart.

When he texts me four days after our date, explicitly saying the following, I see it is a perfect opportunity to come clean:

He took things very well, and I didn't hear from him again. I commend myself for being a real human and telling people how I feel, rather than ghosting and not giving others closure. I wish more conversations could go this way. I feel bad for the guy. It isn’t his fault that I ended up “playing the game” and doing what you’re supposed to do when you’re dating, which is, not to get stuck on one person and date around. It just so happens, he ended up being the one I obviously didn’t like as much and had to sacrifice for his own good. It’s possible that only due to my extreme attraction to the other guy, that he never had a chance as it was shadowed by my feelings for someone else.

[bre95611]

Yellow Fever and Last Call: Subtextual Bisexuality as an Art Form

HI so Last Call had me sobbing with all the blatant subtext we were given, and I just needed to come scream about it. I will be referencing this post of mine quite a bit.

I’m going to be looking specifically at call backs to Yellow Fever, and honestly, even without the callbacks, this episode in my mind completely canonically confirmed Dean is a bisexual man. But Yellow Fever holds a very special place in my heart, and I just have to scream some more about these two damn episodes that are hands down my favorite of the entire damn series.

In Yellow Fever, Dean gets ghost sickness and hilarity ensues. But if we look at the subtext for it, we learn a whole lot about Dean’s closeted bisexuality. A lot can be inferred in that episode, and almost all of it has to do with the fact that Dean didn’t want to acknowledge his bisexuality and his less traditionally masculine side. As the sickness progress, he essentially becomes scared to death because of his attraction to men, something that is subtextually present in the narratives of the other men that died as well (They played for the Gamecocks and the Corn Jerkers, Frank O’Brien’s wedding ring was found in that lumber mill that looks like a prime cruising ground, the Sheriff keeps saying “they know, they know” when he starts to truly lose it i.e. they know they’re all gay, it goes on and on you guys). So let’s look at some specific moments.

1. Dean and the Deputy

-When Sam and Dean first arrive at the Sheriff’s Station, There is a cute, awkward little smile between Dean and Deputy Linus. Presh. This is just at the beginnings of Dean’s ghost sickness. But later, when Dean is full blown drunk because he can’t function with his fear of everything, this happens:

Dean does it, hits on a guy cause he’s drunk and has nothing to lose, and by god that baby face Deputy flirts back and Dean is FLUSTERED. Just look!

In Last Call, Dean pretty immediately runs into Sheriff Dillon who, bless his little heart, can’t stop smiling at Dean. He pokes fun at Agent “Dukes”, tries to show off talking about how he could have been the next Denzel. And then the Sheriff tells Dean that “he’s got the look” and should give Hollywood a shot.

And you know what is different here? Dean just rolls with it. You can see on his face that he understands this Sheriff is hitting on him, and that is not the look of a man uncomfortable with being hit on by men, this just looks like someone uninterested. Talk about growth!

2. The ghost of John Winchester

- So John comes up a LOT in the mini meta I wrote for Yellow Fever, and I’m just gonna take it a little further here. When Dean’s hallucinations first start, it is when he is looking at the book, and he reads a ton of stuff that essentially just pokes at his fragile masculinity. And Dean’s early inability to really show emotions, ask for help, or anything that could be seen as more feminine was all thanks to John Winchester, who raised Dean to think he was never good enough, and that he was only worth anything when he was being a good hunter. It shows that a huge factor for a closeted Dean is that his dad was abusive, especially in regards to Dean’s softer side. So the fact that Leo asks after his father, talks about how he always liked him, and Dean talks about how John liked Leo? Oh yeah. They were definitely doing it right under John’s nose.

So once again we have John’s link to Dean’s sexuality being shown, and once again, in 2 different ways. In Yellow Fever, negative and toxic, and now in Last Call, they toast John’s memory and make heart eyes at each other while talking about the time John caught them drunk together during some hunt. Bet ya $5 John didn’t catch them just drinking. 

3. The Cat

-Oh man. So earlier in Yellow Fever, when they’re interviewing the dude with a ton of snakes, we see Dean losing his absolute shit when that giant python crawls all over him. And as I think we are all aware of, its representative of a dick. Duh. One that is less obvious the later into the episode we get though, is the cat. What’s another word for cat, friends? That also happens to be a euphemism for female genitalia? You guessed it. So when Dean freaks out about that cat jumping out of the locker, its a visualization of Dean’s fear of only being with women for the rest of his life. 

And of all the crazy and funny shit that happened during Dean’s ghost sickness, Dean chose to tell his subtextual male early 20s lover about being afraid of the pussy. 

God, this damn episode. Oof. These 3 specific call backs, 4 if you count that throw away reference to the blooper of Jensen lip syncing Eye of the Tiger, put this episode fresh in our minds, and we as an audience really need to ask ourselves why Yellow Fever was chosen as the episode so heavily referenced, and this is why. Dean is a bisexual man, and every second of Last Call smacked us in the face with it. I could do a break down of every bisexual subtextual moment, but I would just be citing the entire damn thing. But Yellow Fever’s purpose in this episode is to show us some growth in regards to Dean’s OWN FEELINGS in regards to his sexuality. Yellow Fever paints it as dangerous for him to come out, all the queer coded men were dying of ghost sickness, he was afraid of anything and everything remotely phallic, and his dad’s influence over Dean’s formative years was ever present through the fear of that toxic and fragile masculinity.

But in Last Call, we see Dean mostly indifferent to the Sheriff blatantly hitting on him, and again with all of Lorna’s flirting, only having eyes for his BFF with the dark hair and blue eyes. We see him embracing a less masculine trait by performing with Leo, and that ass smack?? And the super deep “You son of a bitch” with that smile??? Just kill me. And the discussions of John being focused almost exclusively NOT on John? Showing Dean beginning to move on and heal as he distances himself from his father’s toxic parenting? Allowing him to more fully be himself? Allowing him to enjoy things other than what John would approve of?

Dean Winchester, over the last several seasons has been slowly but surely growing into a man that is comfortable with his sexuality, a man that is capable of talking about his feelings, and is growing to see that it doesn’t matter whatever toxic bullshit he had been raised to believe about “What It Means to Be a Man”. From the Summer of Love with Crowley, to meeting Cesar and Jesse, to now, finally, during his post divorce “find yourself” trip, he runs into his ex-hunting hookup and sees better for himself. He sees a life he enjoys, and I think he is finally starting to realize just who it is he really wants to be up there on stage singing a duet with him.

@verobatto-angelxhunter @agusvedder @casthewise @theirprofoundbond

All gifs are from @canonspngifs

[darkgeminisworld]

This is gonna be a rant about a probably toxic friend so if you don't wanna read it, this is a heads up.

Okay so for several reasons, most of them being that I need to move on, I decided to write this lengthy rant about a friend I'm pretty sure will not be a friend of mine for much longer, which sucks bc he's almost my only irl friend but also feels good bc he's exhausting and I'm pretty sure he's also toxic.

I've met this guy like 6 and a half years ago, and we pretty much bonded over shared interests pretty fast. The first thing that bothered me was that he'd always be late, which would be absolutely fine if he'd been honest about it. But writing that it's five minutes until he's there and then showing up 30 minutes after that, or writing "I'm on your doorstep" and taking another ten minutes to show up, almost every single time, isn't, especially since I strained to be on time the first months (meaning I'd be too early bc my brain only does too early or too late, nothing in between). And his being late wasn't just 20 or 30 minutes, several times he was over an hour late. Oh, and once when we had agreed to meet he legit wasn't home and I waited around 2 hours, which I really should have held a grudge for back then and been way more pissed at him.

The second thing that bothered me was that he was way too nosy. He'd ask if I'm free to meet and play video games or whatever and whenever I said no he'd ask what I'm doing and if I can't manage my time another way to make time for him. And the thing is, not only did I not ask several times after he told me that he's busy that day, but I actively told him, several times over the course of about the last two years, that it bothers me and asked him to tone it down. My problem here is only that he didn't stop after I asked him to, bc before I told him and asked him, how was he supposed to know.

Coming out to him went well, though he did ask me whether I'm into him, which... No. Obviously it could've gone a lot worse, but still.

The next is more a small annoyance, a small itch, although it might have been a warning sign. He couldn't handle defeat very well. In most video games he was better, but he low-key aggressively denied it when I pointed out the win-lose ratio in my all-time favourite video game series and he'd try to cheat at other games. If it was only about him being competitive I'd understand, but that doesn't mean trying to rewrite the past by blatantly lying about it and ridiculing me for pointing out that that's bullshit, especially since it's only games, played for the fun of it.

We also went to the cinema sometimes, though if it had been up to him it'd have been way more often and that's another point where he really didn't let it go after getting a no. Whether he wanted to watch a horror movie after being told, several times, that I really don't like horror movies, or just the general question of whether we'd be going to the cinema, he'd ask again and ask what I'm doing, why did I not want to go, would another time be good, couldn't I ask my parents for money (which, to be fair, I could have. But I preferred not to bc back then it was really stressful bc we had to move and renovate and I just didn't wanna add more frustration if that makes sense? Plus I wanted to get my hands on some things, which required to save up) etc. Almost every time we did end up going, it was he who initiated it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see some of the movies just as badly as he did, but... And if he can't even accept "no" from a friend of several years (also a 100% guy friend as far as he is aware bc I didn't start to address gender issues with him), I'm worried about other contexts with that word. Also we did some kind of text role play (just texting back and forth with OCs inserted into several fantasy works like the Inheritance Cycle, who would parttake in the storyline, no set rulebook or anything) and his characters did some questionable and even outright deplorable things and when I wanted his character to suffer consequences, he always wanted him to get away with it. Like, his idea for one of his characters "pranking" mine in reaction to a prank which in itself was a retaliation to his character's pranks was kidnapping and waterboarding my character. And he kept defending it as a prank and demanded that my character should just forgive his character, like... It really made (and continues to make) me wonder and worry just how much of his darker thoughts I don't know about. And I don't know how accurate it is but I once saw a post with a quote that went along the lines of "man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." (btw I couldn't think of a satisfactory way to phrase it so I ended up looking up the quote and apparently it's from Oscar Wilde)

So I spent a fair amount of time arguing with him over that and trying to explain to the best of my ability why it was wrong, and for some time it went better.

Fast forward a few months to the blm protests or more specifically news coverage of it and info I sent him. He defended cops and blamed the protestors and even justified the atrocities of the cops, so that was the first instance where we had a huge fight. I practically drowned him in links and videos etc and some weeks into that I thought I'd managed to get through to him (Spoiler: I didn't really get through to him) so I kept it in mind but continued to have contact with him and everything (bc at the time I didn't know that I didn't really get through as much as I thought).

From there on it pretty much went downhill. We had been thinking about doing a trip to London for a few days (his idea but at the time I really wanted to go, it was around 2 years ago when I still practically worshipped that one author, she who must not be named) and to this very day he's not letting it go completely. Even though the pandemic puts lots of obstacles in the way and I have more important things to worry about, namely final exams and applications. Even though London is expensive as shit and I still have no way to earn money atm. And about the vacation, I finally canceled last summer (and gave the aforementioned reasons) and he completely lost his shit and got super aggressive, insulted me and tried to guilt-trip me into taking that back and agreeing to still go on that vacation with him. Then we got into another fight where he wanted me to cancel the vacation with my grandparents, which was already planned and booked and everything in order to make time for the vacation I'd already said I don't want to go on with him anymore and aggressively demanded (he didn't ask, he sent a demand and bombarded me with exclamation marks) to know when exactly I'd be going on vacation with them. Then he went offline after I refused and ignored the next few messages I sent him and only replied when I asked "what I'd I reconsidered my stance on the trip?". I mean, baiting him with that definitely was shitty of me, but the result showed that that was basically what he wanted, pressure me into still going on that vacation. That specific conflict had been going on for weeks, bc despite me telling him that it's counterproductive and detrimental to my mental health to increase the pressure and therefore my anxiety about getting a job to pay for the trip, he kept pressuring me while acknowledging that he's giving me lots of pressure and anxiety and even using that against me.

He also didn't acknowledge that most times we try to meet, he goes offline for hours before replying and disappearing again. That would be absolutely fine if he didn't accuse me of doing that, which btw is his standard technique and it took me a long time to realize that. He always tries to shift the blame to make me look like the one at fault, and he always, always demands that I apologize when we had a fight via WhatsApp.

And when I started enforcing my boundaries and telling him to stop asking again and again why I can't meet, what I'm doing, or demanding other explanations, he started to attack me for the kind of language I use, so when I'm ever so slightly sarcastic he immediately latches onto that and creates a new conflict.

But this still isn't all, oh no. He's also basically an ecofascist, and is fully okay with sacrificing social justice to save the environment, completely choosing to ignore that the people he's protecting are the ones at fault and that the ppl who contribute the least are the ones experiencing the hardest ecological consequences.

He's said multiple times that he thinks both sides are equally bad, in the context of left and right in general as well as antifascism and fascism and that he doesn't "condone the oppressed defending themselves with any means necessary" bc that, too, would include violence. He's defending the "right to free speech" even when right-wingers say really disgusting shit, he disagrees with prohibiting demonstrations of ppl who think that Corona is a hoax, he has zero empathy for ppl who are affected, who suffer long-term consequences from infections, not even for ppl who die from it (he literally said "people die anyway, that doesn't justify imprisoning everyone else") and somehow still thinks he has the moral high ground.

And the last bit he did was explaining to me, from his endocisallohet white guy perspective, how I'm "not discriminated against" bc gay ppl in my country can get married (only since 2017 btw) and when I, despite the fact that I shouldn't have had to and that it was a real blow to my mental health, wrote him a message that was almost the length of an essay, he calmly started to question my replies with the detachedness of someone who's discussing whether pineapple belongs on pizza and demanding further explanation. To top it off, he said that marginalized ppl have to always reply to everyone calmly and politely, no matter if it was offensive bc the person asking might be unaware of that. Otherwise, he said, everyone would be right to stop listening to us. Like, he literally said that we don't deserve human rights if we're not licking the boots of our oppressors if that way of thinking is followed through to the end.

I almost forgot, he also thinks that white ppl should have a say in whether something is a racist slur, or whether something is racist in general (we're both white, but at least I'm trying my best to unlearn what my upbringing taught me instead of being the cliché of the white person who goes "how dare you call me racist, I've never been more insulted in my whole life!", which is basically his reaction)

So up until this last fight, I conceded some ground to him to end the fights and keep him as a "friend" not only bc I feel horrible when I imagine losing one of my only irl friends but also bc I was hoping I could get through to him and educate him, to the best of my ability, on how to be a good ally to marginalized people. But the disregard with which he treats my explanations why the way he talked (wrote) about marginalized people is absolutely not okay and the fact that he just told me that he genuinely doesn't see how he did anything wrong even after I explained it to him in detail is just too much to bear at this point.

Oh, and while looking through the chat to prove him a liar I found that apparently, to him a promise is a promise, no matter whether it was given under pressure or voluntarily, so do with that what you will.

[tecnixfairy]

Personal Ranking | Winx Club Fairies

This is based on the events of of all Seasons (though mostly S1-S4), my interpretation of the show and (partially) the Winx Club Wiki. 

Surprisingly enough this is MY opinion, partially substantiated with facts. My opinion is mine, you can agree or disagree all you want. I am in no way trying to offend anyone by giving my opinion on fictional characters in a kids show.

Capiche?

I want to point out that just because characters are low on my list that it does not mean I hate them per se. I’m simply limited to rating 6 characters, and one has to be all the way at the bottom. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t random, however just because someone is at the bottom it does not mean I hate them; or think they shouldn’t be in the show. 

So let’s start with my least favorite fairy shall we? 

6. Bloom

Why Bloom you say? Well, in all honesty even as a child I didn’t like Bloom all that much. To me she was always too perfect in a sense. Like yeah she’s quirky and doesn’t know much, but that is such a typical trick used by writers to try to hide the fact that they made her super over powering compared to like everyone else. The idea that a normal person suddenly discovers magical powers and then becomes one of the most powerful creatures in their universe is already a major cliché. 

On top of that the writers made her more and more of a Mary Sue as time went on, and after Seaons 4 pretty much all of the little personality that she had disappeared and she was just the “do good, all good, always right, all powerful” dragon fairy. In the first season she’s interesting for what she is but her character arc isn’t satisfying. She goes from being the quirky all-good powerful fairy to being the perfect all-good most powerful fairy off all. Like really, if Bloom is so powerful why doesn’t she just blast all their damn enemies away? She can clearly do it. 

Of course the show would be over very quickly, but if a writer runs into those problems it is not their job to create more bizarre obstacles, or ignore the power they’ve previously clearly possessed, but to take a step back and maybe dial down the character entirely.

Another issue I have with Bloom is her “courage”. Yes, courage is good, but with Bloom it’s so annoying and frankly... dangerous. This falls back into the Mary Sue trope I mentioned. This is another thing writers often do to cover up the fact that they’ve created an overpowering character. Bloom is always pushing everything, and everyone, and it gets annoying! She’s always the one to be like “C’mon girls, let’s do this!” and then they run off to do something that they shouldn’t even be able to do. I have to be fair on the show Season 1 does this the least, in S1 Bloom is still coming out of her shell, but after that it just gets extremely irritating.

5. Musa

So, Musa. Where to start with her? I want to come out right and say, make clear once more, that just because she’s low on my list it does not mean I hate her. In previous discussions it has been a misconception that I do, but I don’t hate Musa in the slightest. 

What I however do hate is how pretty much her entire personality is I love music, my moms dead & I get upset over Riven. I could never relate to Musa, she’s far too sensitive and impulsive (dumb you could call it as well) for my liking. I think Musa could’ve been a great character to me had her personality been more individual as oppose to majorly revolving around her relationship with Riven. I don’t mind sensitive and impulsive characters, but I am severely against toxic relationships like that of Musa and Riven. 

My issue with Musa lies more with the show itself than the character. I think it is irresponsible of a kids show to promote relationships like that of Musa and Riven. Their relationship is toxic and I feel a dread whenever I think about a young child who looks up to Musa, because they also love music, and naively finds her relationship with Riven an inspiration. The show already pushes this idea on young girls that they need a boyfriend, and when it promotes toxic relationships like that of Musa and Riven it can be severely damaging. 

I can’t rank Musa any higher because for me Musa’s character has been mostly defined by her romantic relationship. Yes, she loves music, is sensitive and has a dead mother, but really that is all I get to know about her; especially since her relationship with Riven is so damn distracting. 

I think Musa should’ve broken up with Riven for his abusive attitude and that she should’ve stayed a single queen. It would overall send out a much better message to younger audiences. 

4. Stella

Stella... there’s a lot to take in. I actually really like Stella, I adore her character especially in the first couple of seasons. However later seasons ruin her character, and not just like a little bit. No they took Stella’s character, and then a bulldozer, and then ran over Stella’s character with that bulldozer 30 times in a row. Then looked down at the dusted up remains of the character and tried to rebuilt her with that remaining dust, the product?; Stella Season 5 and beyond! 

As a child I didn’t like Stella; she was too girly for my liking, but I grew a love and appreciation for her character over time. She is a strong, smart and kind human being that just also happens to be very pretty! She is always there for her friends, and although sometimes being a bit ignorant she always feels bad when she hurts her friends feelings, it never feels like she’s overly self-centered because she actually understands what she does wrong most of the time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a pretty girly girl type person, however the show DESTROYS everything they built for Stella after Season 4. 

S5 STELLA AND BEYOND IS THE WORST THING EVER! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO MY PRECIOUS BBY STELLA!?!?  What did they do you ask? THEY MADE HER A TYPICAL DUMB BLONDE. 

I feel pure rage over the “development” of Stella over the seasons. She went from being a kind, confident, stylish young lady in Season 4 to being a dumb, self-centered blonde girl in Season 5. I am disgusted. The writers were doing so well! I praise the show for not making her dumb blonde from the start, because it would’ve been so easy! But they didn’t, at first. But then Season 5 came along and suddenly all she can care about is her effing hair and nails! 

3. Aisha/Layla

I've heard it before, and I’ll probably hear it another million times “If the black character isn’t your favorite, that means you’re (secretly) racist.”

This is obviously complete and utter bullshit. My opinion is my opinion regardless of the characters ethnic background or skin color. In fact it genuinely disgusts me how S8 and WOW white washed Aisha, and it is the very reason I refuse to watch any future seasons. 

So, let’s chat Aisha, shall we? Don’t get me wrong here, I actually really like Aisha. However I had to make a tricky decision when making this list; having a clear idea of who I wanted at 6 and who I wanted at 1 but having difficulty with everything in between. Aisha isn’t here because I have an issue with her character; she simply isn’t any better to me than the following characters. 

Aisha, although an undeniable badass, never really appealed to me all that much. I think it is partially to do with her coming in in the second season; and barely any time being spent on her as a character later on aside from her quest to help the pixies. I hate how her grief over Nabu, and Nabu’s death, is pretty much glossed over and they give her a new love interest almost instantly. No they don’t start dating until later, but it’s very heavily inclined that Roy (and later Nex) is supposed to be her love interest. Aisha should have, just like I said with Musa, been a single queen. You don’t just get over the death of your engaged, and the show acts like it’s nothing; that you’ll just be sad for a bit and then get over it when another handsome boy comes along.

Aside from my irritation with the love interests I adore her for being a strong character; which I’m sure many young people can look up to, and I certainly don’t dislike her character. She’s a solid characters with a lot of strong motivations which I can very much appreciate. Out off all the Winx she feels most genuinely determined to reach he goals; yes so is Bloom but with Bloom it doesn’t feel as genuine, it just feels like blind courage. While with Aisha it truly feels like she has motivations for the goals she wants to reach. 

2. Flora

Flora is a lovely character, and just like with Stella I feel like they ruined her as time went on which is a shame. I know Flora is the favorite of a lot of people, and it’s very clear to see why. 

To me she is most relatable; she’s compassionate, smart and is overall a beautiful being both inside and out. I have very little issues with Flora as a character, she’s lovely and I feel there is no glaring issues to address. In terms of being a role model to a younger audience I’d say she’s a fine role model; she has no glaring personality issues or major drama she goes through. The fact that she gets upset over Crystal in S5 feels extremely out of character, but like I said, just like with Stella they pretty much ruined her character as time went on. S1 through S4 Flora is a wonderful character and I entirely understand why she’s the favorite of so many that watch the show. 

Personally I have always adored her as well; I like her connection with nature and her compassion was something I looked up to as a kid. Yes she still has flaws, just like any of the other girls, but her flaws aren’t flaunter nor made an issue of. She’s a bit insecure (S1-S3/4) which is fine, she gets encouraged by her friends to be more confident and overtime she has her own mini character arc. It’s not major, and her character isn’t ground breaking, but she is a lovely character and a picture perfect example of what a main character in a kids show should be like; a good role model.

1. Tecna

You already knew this was coming, of course! She’s the last one left. Plus I make it fairly clear she’s my favorite. 

I know a lot of people don’t like Tecna, but I absolutely adore her character. So much so that I already, previously, wrote an entire blog post about it. But I’ll summarize it a little bit. 

Tecna is my personal favorite fairy because she has a lot of qualities that I admire; she’s confident, grounded, modest, loyal and extremely intelligent. I’ve heard people complain that she’s their least favorite because she’s too serious; but that’s her purpose! Within this group of highly emotional and impulsive people you need someone to be a voice of logic and reason. Someone that doesn’t get highly emotional over everything, someone that thinks before they act! I tell you, without Tecna all the girls would’ve been dead a long time ago. 

Back to the role model thing I keep mentioning; I think Tecna is a good role model for the younger audience that watches Winx Club. She’s confident but modest, she’s super smart; and when she doesn’t know something she always tries to figure it out. She also has the most healthy romantic relationship out of the 6 girls and I personally think that’s worth applauding as well. 

So, that’s my take on things. As always, feel free to express your own opinion; as long as you do it in a civil way. I would love to hear what others think and feel on the matter, whether that be about what I said or simply their own ranking.

[citrina-posts]

Avatar: Cultural Appreciation or Appropriation?

I love Avatar: the Last Airbender. Obviously I do, because I run a fan blog on it. But make no mistake: it is a show built upon cultural appropriation. And you know what? For the longest time, as an Asian-American kid, I never saw it that way.

There are plenty of reasons why I never realized this as a kid, but I’ve narrowed it down to a few reasons. One is that I was desperate to watch a show with characters that looked like me in it that wasn’t anime (nothing wrong with anime, it’s just not my thing). Another is that I am East Asian (I have Taiwanese and Korean ancestry) and in general, despite being the outward “bad guys”, the East Asian cultural aspects of Avatar are respected far more than South Asian, Middle Eastern, and other influences. A third is that it’s easy to dismiss the negative parts of a show you really like, so I kind of ignored the issue for a while. I’m going to explain my own perspective on these reasons, and why I think we need to have a nuanced discussion about it. 

Obviously, the leadership behind ATLA was mostly white. We all know the co-creators Bryan Konietzko and Michael Dante DiMartino (colloquially known as Bryke) are white. So were most of the other episodic directors and writers, like Aaron Ehasz, Lauren Montgomery, and Joaquim Dos Santos. This does not mean they were unable to treat Asian cultures with respect, and I honestly do believe that they tried their best! But it does mean they have certain blinders, certain perceptions of what is interesting and enjoyable to watch. Avatar was applauded in its time for being based mostly on Asian and Native American cultures, but one has to wonder: how much of that choice was based on actual respect for these people, and how much was based on what they considered to be “interesting”, “quirky”, or “exotic”?

The aesthetic of the show, with its bending styles based on various martial arts forms, written language all in Chinese text, and characters all decked out in the latest Han dynasty fashions, is obviously directly derivative of Asian cultures. Fine. That’s great! They hired real martial artists to copy the bending styles accurately, had an actual Chinese calligrapher do all the lettering, and clearly did their research on what clothing, hair, and makeup looked like. The animation studios were in South Korea, so Korean animators were the ones who did the work. Overall, this is looking more like appreciation for a beautiful culture, and that’s exactly what we want in a rapidly diversifying world of media.

But there’s always going to be some cherry-picking, because it’s inevitable. What’s easy to animate, what appeals to modern American audiences, and what is practical for the world all come to mind as reasons. It’s just that… they kinda lump cultures together weirdly. Song from Book 2 (that girl whose ostrich-horse Zuko steals) wears a hanbok, a traditionally Korean outfit. It’s immediately recognizable as a hanbok, and these dresses are exclusive to Korea. Are we meant to assume that this little corner of the mostly Chinese Earth Kingdom is Korea? Because otherwise, it’s just treated as another little corner of the Earth Kingdom. Korea isn’t part of China. It’s its own country with its own culture, history, and language. Other aspects of Korean culture are ignored, possibly because there wasn’t time for it, but also probably because the creators thought the hanbok was cute and therefore they could just stick it in somewhere. But this is a pretty minor issue in the grand scheme of things (super minor, compared to some other things which I will discuss later on).

It’s not the lack of research that’s the issue. It’s not even the lack of consideration. But any Asian-American can tell you: it’s all too easy for the Asian kids to get lumped together, to become pan-Asian. To become the equivalent of the Earth Kingdom, a mass of Asians without specific borders or national identities. It’s just sort of uncomfortable for someone with that experience to watch a show that does that and then gets praised for being so sensitive about it. I don’t want you to think I’m from China or Vietnam or Japan; not because there’s anything wrong with them, but because I’m not! How would a French person like to be called British? It would really piss them off. Yet this happens all the time to Asian-Americans and we are expected to go along with it. And… we kind of do, because we’ve been taught to.

1. Growing Up Asian-American

I grew up in the early to mid-2000s, the era of High School Musical and Hannah Montana and iCarly, the era of Spongebob and The Amazing World of Gumball and Fairly Odd Parents. So I didn’t really see a ton of Asian characters onscreen in popular shows (not anime) that I could talk about with my white friends at school. One exception I recall was London from Suite Life, who was hardly a role model and was mostly played up for laughs more than actual nuance. Shows for adults weren’t exactly up to par back then either, with characters like the painfully stereotypical Raj from Big Bang Theory being one of the era that comes to mind.

So I was so grateful, so happy, to see characters that looked like me in Avatar when I first watched it. Look! I could dress up as Azula for Halloween and not Mulan for the third time! Nice! I didn’t question it. These were Asian characters who actually looked Asian and did cool stuff like shoot fireballs and throw knives and were allowed to have depth and character development. This was the first reason why I never questioned this cultural appropriation. I was simply happy to get any representation at all. This is not the same for others, though.

2. My Own Biases

Obviously, one can only truly speak for what they experience in their own life. I am East Asian and that is arguably the only culture that is treated with great depth in Avatar.

I don’t speak for South Asians, but I’ve certainly seen many people criticize Guru Pathik, the only character who is explicitly South Asian (and rightly so. He’s a stereotype played up for laughs and the whole thing with chakras is in my opinion one of the biggest plotholes in the show). They’ve also discussed how Avatar: The Last Airbender lifts heavily from Hinduism (with chakras, the word Avatar itself, and the Eye of Shiva used by Combustion Man to blow things up). Others have expressed how they feel the sandbenders, who are portrayed as immoral thieves who deviously kidnap Appa for money, are a direct insult to Middle Eastern and North African cultures. People have noted that it makes no sense that a culture based on Inuit and other Native groups like the Water Tribe would become industrialized as they did in the North & South comics, since these are people that historically (and in modern day!) opposed extreme industrialization. The Air Nomads, based on the Tibetan people, are weirdly homogeneous in their Buddhist-inspired orange robes and hyperspiritual lifestyle. So too have Southeast Asians commented on the Foggy Swamp characters, whose lifestyles are made fun of as being dirty and somehow inferior. The list goes on.

These things, unlike the elaborate and highly researched elements of East Asian culture, were not treated with respect and are therefore cultural appropriation. As a kid, I had the privilege of not noticing these things. Now I do.

White privilege is real, but every person has privileges of some kind, and in this case, I was in the wrong for not realizing that. Yes, I was a kid; but it took a long time for me to see that not everyone’s culture was respected the way mine was. They weren’t considered *aesthetic* enough, and therefore weren’t worth researching and accurately portraying to the creators. It’s easy for a lot of East Asians to argue, “No! I’ve experienced racism! I’m not privileged!” News flash: I’ve experienced racism too. But I’ve also experienced privilege. If white people can take their privilege for granted, so too can other races. Shocking, I know. And I know now how my privilege blinded me to the fact that not everybody felt the same euphoria I did seeing characters that looked like them onscreen. Not if they were a narrow and offensive portrayal of their race. There are enough good-guy Asian characters that Fire Lord Ozai is allowed to be evil; but can you imagine if he was the only one?

3. What It Does Right

This is sounding really down on Avatar, which I don’t want to do. It’s a great show with a lot of fantastic themes that don’t show up a lot in kids’ media. It isn’t superficial or sugarcoating in its portrayal of the impacts of war, imperialism, colonialism, disability, and sexism, just to name a few. There are characters like Katara, a brown girl allowed to get angry but is not defined by it. There are characters like Aang, who is the complete opposite of toxic masculinity. There are characters like Toph, who is widely known as a great example of how to write a disabled character.

But all of these good things sort of masked the issues with the show. It’s easy to sweep an issue under the rug when there’s so many great things to stack on top and keep it down. Alternatively, one little problem in a show seems to make-or-break media for some people. Cancel culture is the most obvious example of this gone too far. Celebrity says one ignorant thing? Boom, cancelled. But… kind of not really, and also, they’re now terrified of saying anything at all because their apologies are mocked and their future decisions are scrutinized. It encourages a closed system of creators writing only what they know for fear of straying too far out of their lane. Avatar does do a lot of great things, and I think it would be silly and immature to say that its cultural appropriation invalidates all of these things. At the same time, this issue is an issue that should be addressed. Criticizing one part of the show doesn’t mean that the other parts of it aren’t good, or that you shouldn’t be a fan.

If Avatar’s cultural appropriation does make you uncomfortable enough to stop watching, go for it. Stop watching. No single show appeals to every single person. At the same time, if you’re a massive fan, take a sec (honestly, if you’ve made it this far, you’ve taken many secs) to check your own privilege, and think about how the blurred line between cultural appreciation (of East Asia) and appropriation (basically everybody else) formed. Is it because we as viewers were also captivated by the aesthetic and overall story, and so forgive the more problematic aspects? Is it because we’ve been conditioned so fully into never expecting rep that when we get it, we cling to it?

I’m no media critic or expert on race, cultural appropriation, or anything of the sort. I’m just an Asian-American teenager who hopes that her own opinion can be put out there into the world, and maybe resonate with someone else. I hope that it’s given you new insight into why Avatar: The Last Airbender is a show with both cultural appropriation and appreciation, and why these things coexist. Thank you for reading!

[appletreeisland]

Life Reset Plan

Okay, things are shit now. But they don’t want to stay like that. You know how to make it better, you just got to do it. So, as always, let’s write it down and get to it, yeah?

Step 1: Life Cleanse

Start by cleaning your room. Open all the windows. Light a candle, start an oil diffuser, just make the air breathable. Strip your bed and wash everything. Sheets, blankets, pillowcases, everything. Throw them all into the wash. Maybe use some extra soap. Some essential oils. Whatever makes you feel good. Then take everything you own and put it on your bare bed. Alright, now you got until the washer and dryer are done to go through all your shit and decide if it stays or goes. (For me, that’s about 1 hour and 15 minutes) Don’t spend to much time on things, you don’t got a lot of time to spare. Most things should be decided instantly. Pick it up. Do you want it? Not an immediate yes. Get rid of it. Donate it. Sell it. Trash it. Just get it out of your life somehow. Now that you know what you want to keep, give them a home. Put them away in a place that makes you feel good and where it could stay forever. Good. Now brush off or vacuum your bed and make the bed. Tuck in your sheets. Fold your throw blankets. Make it look comfy like those beds of Instagram girls and people who have their lives together. Wipe down any and all surfaces. Desktops, windowsill, bedside tables. Make them fresh and clean. Sweep and mop or vacuum your floor. Make it a space that you feel good walking around barefoot on.

Move onto the rest of your space. Repeat everything here in each area of your pace. Bathroom? Throw the towels in the wash, put everything on the floor or counter, go throw it all, clean your surfaces, put everything away, sweep and mop. Kitchen? Empty cabinets and fridge, get rid of old/outdated foods, things you’re not actually ever going to use, consolidate herbs and spices (looking at you, four things of cinnamon), wipe out the inside of cabinets and fridge, put everything away, wipe down counters and stovetop, sweep, mop. Etc, etc.

Lastly, cleanse your technology. No, don’t just wipe down screens. Delete everything that doesn't make you happy. Apps, files, photos, songs, accounts, contacts, etc. Be aggressive with this too. Anything that doesn’t immediately make you feel good, get rid of it. Unfollow accounts that make you feel bad about yourself, that waste your time, that doesn’t inspire you and bring you joy. Yeah, that paper you wrote in school and got an A, delete it. Unless you feel like you’ll use it for another class or research your doing. This is nuanced advice. Adapt it to your current situation. If anything, put it in the cloud. 

Step 2: Personal Cleanse

We’re going to start physical and work our way inwards.

Take your old clothes off. Take a shower or a bath. A good long one. Spend at least twice as long as you normally do (unless you normally take hour-long showers, you know, be reasonable), wash your hair, condition it, wash your body, use a sugar scrub, wash your face, exfoliate, hell even brush your teeth. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel clean and rejuvenated. Don’t do something just because I said to or someone else said to. Do it because you feel good doing it. Don’t shave if it’s not your thing. Don’t put a face mask on if it’s not your thing. Again, nuance. Dry yourself off, put lotion on, put on your favorite outfit, do your hair, do your makeup, make yourself feel good by looking good. But looking good in a way that makes you feel good. Don’t like makeup, don’t wear it. Your favorite outfit could be sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Could be a suit and tie. A dress, a romper, whatever. Even a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Now, find a way to simplify this routine. Make it a daily thing. Shower every day if it makes you feel good. Use a sugar scrub three times a week if you want. Make a personal hygiene routine that makes you feel your best. You can use mine as an example but definitely take everything you want and nothing you don’t.

Okay, now look inward a bit. At your habits. Do you like them? Do they make you feel good? Do they depress you? Make you feel like a failure? Try to think about everything you tend to do, no matter how small. Write them down if you need to. Make a list and go through each one by one with an overly critical eye. Really consider the place of that habit in your life. Take the ones you want to quit doing and make a plan to quit them. (Maybe read ahead a bit in case they are similar to the ones I’m changing in my own life so you don’t spend all this time on it just for me to go over it again more in-depth) Now, think about the habits you want to have. Do you want to be a runner? Do you want to wake up at 6am every day? Read before bed? Draw daily? Write them all down. Then think about why you want to do them. Because they make you happy? Because someone else does them? Because you were told they were good for you? Again, be overly critical. Only accept the ones that are purely for yourself. Don’t wake up at 5am because someone once told you that that’s how you have a productive day. Do it because you love the quiet stillness of waking up before others. Or because you need that time to do other things that purely make you happy.

Lastly, look at your emotional health. How have you been feeling recently? Good? Bad? Depressed? Really ask yourself some personal questions and be honest with yourself. Again write it down. In whatever way is best for you. Maybe that’s a brain dump or a Level 10 Life approach. Whatever works for you. Now, think about why you’ve been feeling that way. Is it other people in your life? Could you remove them from your life or sit down and discuss with them how they have been impacting your life or find ways to healthily deal with them? Look at all your relationships. You never know where draining and/or toxic people may be when you don’t look at them critically. Is it your habits? Well, we’re already working on that so good job! Is it where you live or work? What can you do about those? Move furniture around? Buy new art? Move? Change jobs? Ask for a promotion? Find out what you need and go get it. Ask for help, build a support network, find the people who truly care and want to help you and utilize them. You’re not a burden or bothering them. fAnd if you are either understand that they may also be going through some tough shit and need to take care of themselves first and that’s okay or maybe they weren’t as good of a relationship as you thought. 

Step 3: Social Cleanse

I know we just talked about this, but I want to go into it a bit more.

Look at all your relationships, Family, friends, love interests, coworkers, etc. How do you feel about these relationships? Can you discard them if necessary? Or reinvent them? Analyze all of them and make a conscious decision to keep them in your life.

Want more relationships? Find out how you personally make new ones. Do you go out places and strike up a conversation? Go to a cafe or store and find someone to talk to. Even a brief compliment or something you notice. See where it goes. If it doesn’t have the effect you wanted, try again. Not everyone is going to be your friend and that’s okay. We’re here for true friends, not superficial ones. Do you meet someone online? Download some apps. Be active on forums. Talk to people. State your intentions upfront if it may otherwise be ambiguous. Or do you prefer meeting people through others? Talk to your friends. Ask them about friends they have told you about. See if you all could do something together. Express interest in the people in their life and they’ll maybe introduce you to them. But they definitely won’t if they don’t know you’re interested.

How about yourself? Do you like yourself? How you treat yourself and others? Are there mannerisms you don’t like that you have? That you wish you did have? List them out. Really think about how you react to certain stimuli. If someone compliments you, how do you handle it? If they demean you, how do you respond? You don’t need to go through every little reaction right now, but stay mindful of them. If you notice that there’s something you don’t like, make a mental note of it and come back to it later. Why did you not like it? And, again, make sure you don’t make decisions based on others. Really think about it and decide if you want to make a change truly for yourself or for someone else.

Step 4: Building Your Life

So you got all your stuff figured out. A super clean space. A group of good friends. An understanding of your own feeling towards different aspects of your life. Now that you know these things, change the things you don’t like. 

Start with routines. Make them as strict or leisurely as you want. Set a time to wake up, a time to go to sleep. Figure out what you need to do every morning to have a good day, every night to have a good sleep and/or morning. You can look at mine for some ideas. Are there other things you want to do every day? Maybe you want to talk a walk during your lunch break or pick up your space every evening after dinner. Decide on things that you want to do every day and make them a routine. Put them in your schedule. Commit to them. Do them every day. Make weekly routines too. Every Thursday you do laundry. Every Wednesday you go grocery shopping. Every Monday you plan your week. Make as many or as few routines as you need to be happy with your life. Eventually, they will just be another part of your life and you won’t need to think about them anymore.

Then, focus on your habits. You’ve decided which ones you want to get rid of and which ones you want to start. Make plans for each and every one of them. Make a plan to quit smoking or spending less time on social media. Maybe that’s setting a limit. And that limit can be just as many/much as you’ve been doing. But now you’re limited to that. Then reduce it by a small bit. Instead of three cigarettes a day, limit yourself to 2. Instead of 2 hours on social media, spend 1.5 hours. Continue reducing the limit little by little until you’re at a point you are happy with and isn’t interfering with other things you want in life. Want to start a habit? Do the inverse. Start small and work up to your goal. Want to wake up earlier? Wake up five minutes earlier? Or even just work on getting out of bed right as your alarm goes off and then work on getting up earlier. 

Step 5: Living Your Life

It’s a process. Creating yourself is a process. You’re not going to have it all figured out in an afternoon. A lot of this is things that will slowly develop over time. You can do your initial overhaul but always come back to things. Review how you’re feeling and how things are going and make more changes as you need to.

So go out, live your life, continue to grow and work towards being the person you feel most happy as, and never let anything stop you. 

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Carol’s Circular Arc and How it Points to Beth’s Imminent Return

Okay, let’s talk about how Carol’s arc fits into all of this. Because she does, and in a big way. We’ve seen Beth/Carol parallels for years and known they were significant. They’re finally starting to come together for us in a way that makes tons of sense. (Yes, I’m aware that I say that sort of thing a lot, but when I say it, it IS generally true. ;D)

Okay, so I’m going to talk about how we’re seeing a replay of Carol’s S4/S5 mentality right now, and also the Tom Sawyer theme, and how all of that points to Beth’s imminent return.

So right now, Carol’s mentality is a combination of what it was during 4a and 5a. 4a because she’s being homicidal, immoral, and taking things into her own hands in a way that’s hurtful to other people. Just as she did when she decided to kill Karen and David in order to protect people at the prison.

Of course, at that point, she hadn’t recently lost any children. Not since Sophia. In 5a, she still had that mentality, but she had also lost Lizzie and Mika and was dealing with immense guilt over that situation. Now, in S10, we’re seeing a combination of the two. She’s got that same mentality, and she’s dealing with the loss of Henry. Basically, she’s more messed up than she’s ever been.

In terms of parallels to S5, I’ve already said I saw similarities between this episode and Consumed. That comes mostly from her and Daryl’s interaction and the mood of the episode. In both episodes, Carol is being dark and broody and Daryl can tell she’s in pain. He wants and tries to help, but she’s not terribly receptive to him.

So there’s some evidence that this season can be paralleled to S5. (And I’ve already talked about how I think Carol and Daryl will leave together to go find Connie at some point, which would equate to them going to search for Beth in S5.)

But there’s more, Grasshopper. Much more.

Let’s return to the scene I talked about the other day from 5x07, when Beth went into Edwards’ office and we had the 10:40 clock in the background. Remember how I said that Beth went into Edwards’ office to ask him what medicine was necessary to save Carol. That line really rang in my head when I thought it.

What medicine is necessary to save Carol.

Interesting. Because there’s a lot going on with Carol at the moment in the show. You might even say she’s sick or injured. Not physically, but emotionally/psychologically. She’s certainly not in a super healthy positive place, right?

So we have two things that play into this in my mind:

The first is Carol crying and feeling super guilty after the explosion happens. When Daryl tries to walk away, she begs him to tell her that it’s all her fault, saying, “you cared about her, and she’s GONE, and it’s all my fault.” So it sounds like Carol’s guilt is less about herself or even about Connie (though they’ve shown us that she and Connie are friends) than it is about another woman Daryl cares about is gone from his life. And this time it’s very much her fault.

In Carol’s mind, she has to be equating this to him losing Beth. Probably yet another reason they had that convo early on where she encouraged him to pursue Connie.

What does that equate to? It’s hard to say, but I don’t think Carol had a lot of guilt about Beth being shot. From what we saw in Coda, it’s not terribly logical to say it was Carol’s fault in any way. However, there ARE those missing 17 days. And Father Gabriel yelled at Sasha about how the group had “sacrificed one of their own.” Plus he turned them in to Deanna, telling her they were evil and equating them with Satan. So it’s possible Carol has some guilt over SOMEthing that happened with Beth, but we don’t know/haven’t seen what it is, yet.

@frangipanilove​ has a whole theory—which I’m sure she’ll post eventually—about Rick and Carol lying to Daryl about something to do with Beth, and she has some good evidence for it.

Another aspect to point out. We have a precedent for Carol talking about one thing but meaning another, especially when it comes to her own guilt. I’ve pointed this out before in regards to The Grove. When talking about Lizzie, she says things like, “She’s too dangerous to be around other people. I should have seen it.” And while she IS referring to Lizzie as far as Tyrese is concerned, the fact that she keeps trying to leave the group after that shows she’s also referring to herself. She’s decided that she’s too toxic to be around other people, especially children, because they always die around her.

So the theory has been put forth that when Carol is begging Daryl to tell her it’s her fault, she’s talking about this incident in the mine with Connie, but she may also be referring to something having to do with Beth. Her guilt is SO strong here because this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

The second thing that plays into this has to do with the dynamite and how it explodes.

When Daryl asks Carol to abandon her plan come back with him, she reaches for the dynamite, and drops it. Whether she meant it to or not, it sort of went off by accident. I want to connect that “accident” to something in S5: Carol being hit by the car.

That may sound random, but think of it this way. Carol wasn’t being overly-vigilant and she was hit by the car and taken to Grady. By being there, she automatically gave Dawn a second (third, if you count Noah) victim to leverage against Rick. If it had only been Beth they were trading for the two officers would have been enough to offset her and Noah leaving, and Beth may not have been shot. So I’m really not criticizing Carol for being hit by the car (not her fault) but it did lead to Beth’s “death” and death fake out, due to carelessness.

A lot like her dynamite stunt led to Connie’s. (Though admittedly, she was much ore to blame this time.)

Now back to the clock scene where Beth needs to know what medicine to use to save Carol.

We (both TD and the GA) have talked a lot in the past about the unreality of Carol’s miraculous recovery at Grady, when she apparently had internal injuries. I’ve always believed that this wasn’t so much the writers screwing something medical up as it was done on purpose for symbolic reasons. I mean, think of what the emotional equivalent of “internal injuries” would be.

So, Beth saved Carol by bringing her medicine that healed her internal injuries. Now Carol will feel immense guilt about Connie. And especially if we’re right that Connie “disappears” (Carol does use the phrase “gone”) and is presumed dead, then we have a parallel to Beth. And how would we heal Carol from this particular guilt? Well, the most obvious way is to find Connie, so that Daryl’s friend isn’t dead yet again and he’s not alone. (Remember, Carol believes he has romantic feelings for Connie, even though he told her he didn’t.) And obviously, by extension, bringing Beth back to Daryl would go a long way toward assuaging Carol’s guilt.

But Beth’s return might also lead to some other form of healing for Carol. Such as killing Alpha, which might help her move on as well. And because of Connie bringing Dog back to Daryl in 10x01, I still strongly believe she’ll bring Beth back to him, which means by definition they’ll return together.

Meanwhile, we have that 10:40 (which I now thing points to episode 10x10 clock in 5x07). So if you follow this through in a literal way, Beth learned what medicine would heal Carol in that episode. Perhaps in 10x10, we’ll learn what Carol needs to be healed as well. As I’ve already suggested, it might be a matter of them finding out where Connie and Magna are in that episode.

Now let’s look at the Tom Sawyer template. I’ve done posts about this before, years ago, but if you go back and read them (X, X) they’re very tentative, and from 2016 no less. That’s because I really didn’t feel like I’d nailed down exactly what this is all about.

A recap: in 4x14, The Grove, Carol and the girls discuss that they’d been reading Tom Sawyer at the prison. They say that Carol is like the Widow Douglas. Then in Consumed (see why I’m including this here) we see her with a copy of Tom Sawyer in her bag. Now, that episode is very much about her dealing with Lizzie and Mika, so it makes sense, but it’s also a repeated symbol around Carol.

It hasn’t been mentioned—that we’ve noticed—since then, but @wdway​ remembered something about the story.

Full Disclosure: I’m much more familiar with Huck Finn than with Tom Sawyer, so I probably would never have made this connection. It’s all @wdway. But I’ll mention Huck Finn (as a character) here as well.

So @wdway remembered that in Tom Sawyer, Tom and his sort of girlfriend Beck get lost in a maze-like series of caves at one point. They’re actually presumed dead for a time. They do eventually find their way out and are *not* dead after all.

Given both the death fake out involved and that this symbol has been used around Carol multiple times, and she’s the one who caused Connie and Magna to become trapped…well, that’s quite a coincidence.

All those who believe in TWD coincidences, say I!

*crickets chirping*

Yeah, me neither. But there’s more.

Tom and Becky were in the cave for 3 days. Tom made marks as they tried to get out so they could find their way back. (Think the arrow Jerry found that the Whisperers made.) Tom and Becky are not only hungry but they're also thirsty (also true of our TWD characters). They find a small pool of water and so Tom leaves Becky to rest and goes on to explore a little more. Tom comes across Indian Joe hiding his treasure with a mark of the cross on the wall in order to find it later. Injun Joe is a very interesting character because he neither hears nor speak. (Connie, anyone?) Tom finally sees a bit of daylight down one of the tunnels goes back for Becky and then they claw their way out, meanwhile the townspeople had given them up for dead and so there was a lot of rejoicing when they realized they were alive.

Also, @frangipanilove​ did some research on Mark Twain:

“What I found when I did my research, and remember we don’t have the same relationship with the author over here as you guys do, but apparently Mark Twain was one of many pseudonyms used by that author, and apparently it comes from measuring the depths of the rivers, so as to know when it’s safe for the riverboats to go there. Mark Twain means mark numbers two:

"Mark Twain" (meaning "Mark number two") was a Mississippi River term: the second mark on the line that measured depth signified two fathoms, or twelve feet—safe depth for the steamboat. In 1857, at the age of twenty-one, he became a "cub" steamboat pilot. It was something I thought was interesting because of the 22 necklace, or the 2x2/2x10/10x2/10x10 symbolism we’ve talked about. But other than it being another “2” reference I couldn’t really find any huge smoking gun.”

So the fact that the writers used this as a template ties into her 22 theories, and is also connected with water and boats.

So we have Carol’s arc, her mentality, and even the Tom Sawyer symbol coming back around here. And in both cases, a death fake out, with Connie’s mirroring Beth’s. 

See why this is interesting? In the story, Injun Joe actually ends up dying in the caves. So it will be interesting to see how this plays out. But having this symbol, which involves caves, in S4 and S5 kind of proves that they had this season (10) and Carol’s role in it planned back then. And I know I’m a broken record on this, but if they had THAT planned back then, it sort of proves a lot of things about Beth, does it?

I want to add one more thing that isn’t particularly TD in nature, but it speaks to the Tom Sawyer symbol and Carol and Daryl’s relationship.

When we first heard Carol called the Widow Douglass, it was either Lizzie or Mika that said it. And Carol responded, “Yeah, I’m just like the Widow Douglas.” It was a somewhat sarcastic remark, and understandably. The Widow Douglas really was a kind old granny lady. And we all know Carol has a flawed, badass, often downright homicidal streak that makes her very UN-like the Widow Douglas. But Lizzie’s point (or Mika’s; can’t remember) is that Carol adopted them, just like the Widow adopted Huck Finn.

And that IS one way to see Carol’s arc. She adopts children. She often loses them tragically, but she’s adopted new kids again and again.

But let’s look at Huck Finn from the story. Who is REALLY Huck Finn in TWD world?

Huck Finn (do NOT transpose the first letters of his names ;D) was a wild child. He liked to live on his own in the woods. He knew how to survive. He had a heart of gold, even befriending Jim, which was taboo back then because Jim was a slave and it was still a very racist society. But Huck didn’t care about that. Jim was his best friend and he was loyal to him. And while Huck was kind to the Widow Douglas and often accepted her hospitality, he didn’t want to live with her long term. He didn’t want to be civilized. He’d rather be a wild child and live in the woods.

So, who is Huck Finn really?

It’s Daryl.

So, it’s interesting to me that we saw the Tom Sawyer book in Consumed because they definitely did some establishing of Daryl and Carol’s mother/son relationship in that episode (“Used to be a boy; now you’re a man.”). Carol kind of adopted Daryl, especially after Sophia. So that’s part of the Tom Sawyer template as well. Again, not a very TD thing. Just something I was thinking about.

Or is it? @wdway pointed out some things that actually might make Daryl being Huck Finn a TD thing.

Like Daryl, HF’s father was abusive and used to beat him as a kid (so, a tie in to Daryl’s scars). In the book The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, HF and Jim spend a lot of time on a river raft. It’s a huge symbol and part of the story. And remember that in S9, when Carol and Henry went to find Daryl, he was living on a raft. (So, a water/boat reference.)

She also pointed out that if Daryl is Huck Finn, who is Tom Sawyer? Probably Rick. Tom Sawyer was the more civilized/less wild of the two, and they were BFFs. In the book, Tom got lost in the caves and was presumed dead. Now, obviously that isn’t true of Rick, but he is presumed dead right now. And it occurs to me that Connie might be a stand in for Rick. If her death fake out leads to Beth, well, we think Rick and Beth are in the same place. So it leads to Rick in a roundabout, 6-degrees-of-Rickyl sort of way.

So again, all of this just points to Beth’s imminent return. The circular arcs (wheel) coming back around again. And we think they’ll bring Beth with them.

[buffster]

Expecting (ATS 1.12)

This is part of my ongoing Buffyverse Project, where I write notes/meta for every episode in an attempt to better understand the characters and themes of the shows. You can find the BTVS list here and the ATS list here. Gifs are not mine.

Expecting is signature season one Angel: the plot is something you can follow even if you’ve never seen another episode and it’s not very interesting to rewatch. To each their own, but season one is usually my least favorite of any given show (or at least down there). I like when we really get to the meat of characters and plot doesn’t do as much for me. So let’s get through this.

There’s a barely-noticeable subplot in Expecting where Wesley has his doubts about Cordelia’s role on the team. He was trained to be very focused on the mission, and watching Cordelia’s sporadic filing, flexible timing, and constant social life throws him. 

Angel: She’s had a lot to deal with. I mean, Doyle’s death, inheriting his visions, she’s young. She’s still trying to find her way in the world.

Wesley: But we’re not in the world. Demon hunters like us have a higher calling.

Wesley is so relieved she’s alright by episode’s end he drops the subject. I can’t remember if it picks back up again or not.

Cordelia is going out with two new friends: Emily and Sarina. She hints that Angel has taken on a dad-like quality with her lately and so she avoids telling him much about her social life. I would say this is probably a result of Doyle’s death and realizing how vulnerable she is now that she has visions but no means of defending herself. She’s more interesting and valuable than a normal human but no more powerful. 

Cordelia is still very much treating her life with Angel and her visions as a temporary side job. She has a vision, gives Angel the details, and runs off with her friends. Wesley is all too happy to be the new wingman. 

One of my favorite moments was when Angel and Wesley walked in the wrong door and nearly attacked an innocent old couple. Cordelia didn’t write down the correct address.

Meanwhile, Cordelia brings home the guy she met at the club and sleeps with him. I thought it was interesting Dennis tried to get in the way; did he sense something wasn’t right or was he really just jealous?

The next morning the guy is gone and Cordelia is hugely pregnant. This episode is a point of major discussion in fandom. Combined with what happened to Buffy after her first time, the AR, and Cordelia’s season four storyline, people are seeing major sex-is-bad-for-women messaging. But you could also just claim sex-is-bad in general per the show’s ideas. That’s literally stated by Cordelia at the end of the episode and let’s not forget Angel’s forced celibacy. 

The first time I saw Expecting I felt Cordelia’s reaction to waking up pregnant was a little over the top. It was obviously supernatural and she should have been solution-focused. But having now been pregnant (three times) myself, I think it makes sense. Once you reach the end it starts to feel very invasion-of-the-body-snatchers, so suddenly waking up like that would be super freaky. 

Wesley: Hmm, a demon who can only reproduce by implanting a human woman with its seed.  Yes, I’ve heard of such entities. - The human mothers...

Angel:  Rarely survive labor, and the ones that do, wish they hadn’t.

It’s revealed that Cordelia is pregnant with multiple babies and her amniotic fluid is toxic. It’s at this point that she begins to hear the babies and have an attachment to them. She’s completely taken over and even drinks blood from Angel’s fridge. 

What happens to the human demon-worshipers? They’re committing all kinds of evil but I guess this is another case of “dealing with humans is not our job”. I think that’s a more difficult question than presented. Is it really reasonable to leave these guys to the human police? How would they possibly handle that?

Wesley: Cordelia! Come out of there this instant! All of you please!

Cordelia:  We don’t expect you to understand. 

Wesley: I understand. You’ll die unless you come with me, and that is the most vile smelling filth I’ve ever had the displeasure of inhaling.  Now don’t make me come in there after you.

Wesley is still convinced people will respond to authority even if supernaturally possessed. Authority was everything when he was growing up.

Together he and Angel take down the demon in a pretty cool action scene (though Cordelia gets to finish the job). Crisis averted.

Cordelia: I learned something, too. I learned, uhm, - men are evil? Oh, wait, - I knew that. I learned that LA is full of self-serving phonies. No, - had that one down, too. Uh... sex is bad?

Angel: We all knew that.

Cordelia: Okay. I learned that I have two people I trust absolutely with my life.  -  And that part’s new.

Character Notes:

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia’s friends compare him to Hugh Grant (i.e unsure of himself but somehow charming). I think Wesley is much cuter than Hugh Grant...but not until later seasons when he get’s all rough-looking, so fair enough.