#i didnt think id be that upset i thought i would just be uncomfortable

[love4hobi]

update: i cried through it

[baby-xemnas]

love reading ur thoughts always but just also thinking about bepo being somewhat attractive to others in their teenage years/some Other party expressing interest in bepo and law would have lost his entire shit. a miracle he didn't face sth like that, but the jealous rage for sure wouldve been so ugly...fierce and drastic realisation of how much he wants bepo and also how possessive he is. bepo is too special.

THANK YOUUUUUUUU and thank you for giving me more food to ramble about haha ♥♥

OH GOD YEAH ABSOLUTELY there have to have been an INCIDENT or two of that. law wouldve gone through a lot of emotions in that moment, especially when it happened for the first time

(id imagine the mob chara would presume that bepo is gonna be a good aggressive fuck lol, just judging by the looks. oh they couldnt be more wrong)

>first glance law assuming someone is talking to bepo because they are being either quirky racist (wow a walking talking bear!!) or actually negative sort of interest - that they all experienced and are kind of expecting at that point (expecting it so they can jump to bepo's aid and comfort him)

>seeing that its NOT. THAT. but instead someone standing uncomfortably close clearly trying to flirt, seeing so much discomfort on bepo's face - who in turn wouldnt be a crybaby in the face of a stranger no, he is stronger than that now! but he would be surprised and not really know how to handle THIS situation...bepo never got this kind of attention before he has no idea how to handle it. hes trying to answer semi-politely because he isnt aware that he needs to be very curt and direct..he feels SO strange hes just standing there taking unwanted sexual advances LOL

honestly be it a woman or a gay man i would picture law would act the same - the few words he would spare them before dragging bepo away would be laced with SO much venom and contempt, it would scare the shit out of bepo who's just standing there. technically being saved so he is in no way is the target of captain's anger (even tho bepo would think in those seconds that law is mad at him too, he would feel bad that he ended up in that situation even tho its not his fault at all. whatever discomfort he felt previously than fear of upsetting law, now THAT actually makes him want to cry a little)

law wants to take his hand but thinks that this person doesnt deserve to see how important bepo is to him... so he says that they are going back and walks next to bepo who is more shaken by seeing law's reaction than he is by the initial incident he thanks law the moment they go outside and its quiet and him saying "thank you captain" somehow sounds too formal to law's ears. somehow this "captain" sounds like his actual rank and not the usual cute way bepo calls him like its a nickname or a familial title.

its so jarring to hear bepo sound like a detached subordinate and not his treasured best friend, law has to look up at bepo who ofc is just looking at the ground in front of himself as he walks. law's mind draws a blank for a few long moments because he still needs a little time to calm down. he havent processed his own emotions yet it happened too fast. Yes of course he was reacting to that nobody making bepo uncomfortable of course. But...he the possibility that someone who is NOT HIM could be intimate with bepo shot through him like a lightning.

whole time law is having his crisis bepo is thinking about how he should apologize without making law even more angry..he is so scared to break the silence. poor thing. he forgot all about that mob chara thats lightyears away, its all law now

law would get his attention by calling his name and it suddenly feels so awkward...its so cringe but he asks if bepo wants to talk about it - curses himself that he isnt penguin and shachi who would laugh a situation like this off, they are much better than him at handling these things

bepo didnt hear the question he immediately goes IM SORRY CAPTAIN and law is surprised what on earth are you sorry for bepo: you...um. well you had to come in and save me so im sorry for causing you trouble law:...............its not troublesome for me to help you so dont apologize.. (and he says it kind of in a soft unsure tone because??? what the hell....bepo its not about him.ffs)

and bepo feels so relieved because he was holding on that tension for so much of their walk not knowing what law is thinking about (he was thinkin about eating you whole, boy) that he smiles and it snaps the rubber band of tension law was holding onto himself and he gets so full of affection for bepo it kind of goes to his head and all the way south making him horny...its somehow ended up being a romantic scene that he wants to take him apart now...reaffirming to bepo that nobody would ever be better than him. law was challenged he has to prove himself now.....

law knowing but now staring straight in the face to the fact that bepo is SO special and so important. noone has the RIGHT to know because they could never understand JUST HOW SPECIAL AND VALUABLE HE IS

[deepseacityunderground]

i did a pokeymon tierlist that took me three hours to do ;-;

i put it and explainations under a cut because its so big lmao. if you want it to not be blurry then open it seperately in desktop idk

lesbian tier: self explainatory (ill explain why i like them so much later)

my babies: good designs, sentimental, AND i like fighting with them

sentimental tier: various favs across the years, theyre more individuals than species to me because of my memories with these guys.

i wish pokemon were real: for pokemon that make me say "i wish pokemon were real"

ebic: i like them lots and i like to have them on my team

the funny little creatures: i smile when i see them and i like them

intriguing: hmm there is something here... but i'm not quite getting it maybe?

not rlly interested: this one is self explainatory... if ur fav is here im sorry :( im sure these guys are cool i just dont rlly think about them ever

fucked up: i dont like seeing them they make me uncomfortable

scyther was my first partner in my first pokemon game :) it was diamond. i overtrained scyther way too much and he (because it was a boy scyther) would do that thing where he doesnt listen in battle so i build his entire moveset around it. he was lost when i transferred him to heartgold and then dropped heartgold in some water. rip scyther always in my heart

togekiss was my friend alongside scyther. she was the first pokemon i ever trained up to lv.100. she was also a victim of the heartgold incident. rip togekiss always in my heart.

absol was the only one from my initial gamebeating diamond team to survive the incident. she was transferred over to my copy of platinum and after i ended up losing diamond, remained there happily. i dont want to transfer her to bank or home because i think itd be like moving an old cat to a new house. i dont want to upset her at her old age. also absol's design fucks. emo fringe lynx. absol is what sparked my emotions about dark types. also i played pmd1 as a kid.

gengar is gengar. also i played pmd1 as a kid and read a copious amount of fanfic focused around pmd1 gengar (everyone go read pmd victory fire now it doesnt even matter that its on forever hiatus and ended with a cliffhanger go read it)

the tentacool variations are here purely out of sentimentality. when i was much younger, id let my little sister borrow my copies of the gen 4 pokemon games. she was really young and didnt really care about rpgs in general at the time, so shed always just explore and catch random pokemon instead of actually playing the games. one time, after i got the games back from her, i looked in my pc and saw like. two full boxes of tentacool and tentacruel that shed caught. and they've all got nose themed nicknames like "nosey" or "nosenose" and other stuff like that. so apparently she was surfing about and saw a tentacool for the first time and was just. obsessed with how they looked and thought they looked like big noses (with the red spots being like nostrils i think) and just decided to catch loads and loads of them because she liked them so much. so it became an inside joke between us. i dont really have much in common with my sister anymore and our relationship is pretty cold rn but pokemon is the one thing we still hold in common. and ill always associate tentacool with her.

we all know why grovyle is where he is. same with dusknoir. theyre also good designs.

i really dont like enamourus because its fucked up how they designed three big buff genie men and then made one that was pink and skinny. awful. makes me angry. if they were buff theyd be one of my favs tho.

i really dont like the pla designs for dialga and palkia... theyve already both got very busy designs and i think these forms are Too Busy. i really wanted to like them but well... i look at giratinas two forms and cry over what could have been.

i dont like the tumblr sexyman lizard.

a lot of pokemon are in higher tiers cus theyre based on animals i like... i like a lot of cat pokemon for this reason. also i like the litten line cus it fucks. and my litten in sumo was a female and i like the idea of big buff wrester catgirl :3 incineroar is a really good design and shes big and strong... whats not to love.

also, i generally like a lot of designs which other pokemon fans dislike... i especially love more humanoid/furry "feminine" designs like primarina, lilligant, gardevoir, lopunny, tsareena, etc etc... i really dislike how a lot of these designs are just seen as like sexygirl designs by the community... sadly porn will exist of everything but these pokemon are also creatures. theyre animals. they may look a bit like a girl but they are still magic animals. like one time in moon i had a whole team of grass girlies and it was just fun to hang out with my funny grass lady creatures.

i like giratina because theyre a big ass antimatter caterpillar. drawing giratina helped me draw antropomorphic caterpillars actually. i like their big ass legs.

all eeveelutions are CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the lunar duo are my ultimate fav pokemon forever as a team for a big mix of all the other reasons. partly its sentimentality, cus i really liked them as a kid and i would always chill on fullmoon island in my copy of platinum and just listen to the music, i also always tried to do the void glitch to get darkrai but i always fucked up and never quite saw her! (i couldnt do the event cus living in shitty rural region reasons) i also liked battling with them in oras :3 i think their designs are very well done. they remind me of the "swan" series by hilma af klimt specifically, which is a series i really liked on its own. i dont think that was intentional, but i was looking at the work about a year or so ago for an essay and i sorta realized how well the overall color palette of that series matches the pair and cresselia specifically, because shes based on a swan ofc. and ofc darkrai is also birdlike but in a more abstract way. she actually reminds me a bit of the skeletons of one of those really fucked up breed pigeons with the receeded necks and huge fantails and tiny beaks and weird spindly legs. i also really like how unabashedly edgy darkrai's design is... i feel a lot of nostalgia for edgy character designs from the mid 2000s which were edgy in a very un-selfaware way (another reason why i like absol specifically and also like. so many ghost and dark types) and as an angsty kid i always used to gravitate towards those designs lol. i also think its kinda romantic, the idea of a creature which kills others simply by being around them, a typhoid mary type creature, which isolates itself due to that, with its only friend also being the only creature that negates its negative affects. and also that creature killed a kid in america (fucked up). thats how i interpret their relationship. anyway ive been having lots of thoughts about them for like over 15 years.

this is unrelated but its kinda annoying when ppl use gendered pronouns for genderless pokemon... its not gonna ruin my days its just. funny lol (ignore that i have used she/her for darkrai throughout this entire comment... when i do it, its ok <3) one of the sad flaws of the pmd series imo bcus the mainline games dont do that at all.

in general i think my likes and dislikes are more dictated by character design/sentimentality as opposed to ability in battle or fanservice or competitive meta ... this is just part of being a longtime fan who doesnt rlly keep up with the community anymore methinks. im kinda beating myself up for not putting more complex thought into this buuut also i wanna be true to myself yknow... but then again this community sucks so i feel like im gonna be attacked for putting idk wingull too low or something lol

[wanderrlust0]

:s

im home now and im glad me and him got high today bc i dont think i wouldve been able to be okay emotionally and pretend like everythings good. i just read my last journal post and i just started crying. like i gave him till the very last minute to say i love you to me and he didnt so i whispered it as i got ready to get out of the car and he then whispered it back. like, he wasnt gonna say it if i hadnt said it. he just said it bc i said it but i can tell it was like empty words like wtf i feel like he doesnt really love me anymore rn and ive done absolutely nothing wrong like its unfair and im tired of it. he hasnt been himself since tuesday. first he wasnt himself when i saw him sunday. then i forced him to talk about it a little. then he was good monday, saying good morning, goodnight, using :3 a lot. then tuesday he just went back to the dryness and sounding uninterested. stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning to me. its now thursday (technically) we hung out. i texted in caps goodmorning bc he again just started saying stuff. i feel like he was only okay today bc he was high. he was touching me a lot but mostly my ass bc i wore a skirt. i didnt mind it ofc but i did sorta feel like he was mostly touching me in a sexual way and less romantic way. he is so fixated on my friend who he doesnt like and thinks id cheat with. bunny stop being insecure..honestly. i feel like its def that and his inability to fully trust me is what the main problem is. like he was barely loving meD: i can tellll when he genuinely does bc he shows it but today and these past few days just felt so casual and not full of effort. like why the fuck am i really crying right now like idk how im feeling bc im like ofc hurt and im confused and tired and annoyed and upset and sad and it feels less fun. i always end up doing most of the talking when hes like this bc itll make me so uncomfortable to sit in silence. like theres a good silence and a weird silence. i used the bathroom and left my phone on the table. ik he most likely scrolled thru my notifications. like im sure he def did. he was standing right there. even tho it was locked and he cant see the details of the notifs ik i have nothing to hide. the thing is how long is it gonna take for him to have some faith in me and stop doubting me and treating me like im a copy of everyones past mistakes. i think now im really actually not gonna act like things dont affect me and show more dryness or annoyance or distance. whatever i feel towards him ill reciprocate or stop pretending like its nothing. he didnt answer my text where i sent him a video that i thought was cute and funny and i wanted him to see it too. no acknowledgement from that. he hasnt sent me an ig reel in days. he stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning. he did now. the edible made him happier today and same with me. we drank and it made us both sleepy. idk what hes feeling towards me. he doesnt really share everything bc he thinks that it doesnt make a diff if we talk about it or not bc he feels like nothing will change and its pointless. i obviously disagree and i feel like we def have to talk, whether itll make a diff or not. it will do something. itll help us understand each other more. itll help us see things in a diff perspective. itll help us clear the air and get rid of the elephant thats lowkey in the room. i wish he wasnt so insecure in times like these. i wish he was more confident with himself. i wish he would really just love me unconditionally and not question our love. i wish i didnt have to tiptoe around the topic of my friend. i wish hed pay attention to whats in front of him and realize how great we can be. hes like a part of me now and i cant see myself without him and i desperatelyy wish hed just understand thatD; im trying and doing my best. i love him to pieces, but if i feel that hes losing interest, it makes me lose interest and i emotionally feel less of a connection to who he is. its like i love him and want him close by but his energy isnt the same person and i miss him againnn. hes back to caring less

[feralnumberfive]

ive been following you for a while & didnt notice your dni so i wanted to ask - do you want me to unfollow you?

i don't ship the Hargreeves together, and would say that generally i don't ship much of anything since im ace/aro. . . but i don't really mind luther/sloane? like i get that its kinda weird but i approach it in generally the same way that id approach diego/lila or allison/raymond or even klaus/dave in that i dont really care about the ship itself but characters in canon are made happier by their s/o so im not upset by seeing the ship or interacting with it but yknow.

if u want me to unfollow ill do it no problem, sorry for the inconvenience

Great question anon, you've really got me thinking on this one. I'm going to let you decide what you want to do because like I said in my previous ask, I don't really know how to feel about Luther/Sloane either. I view them as step siblings but it feels different from any of the Umbrellas x each other. Do I still view it as a form of incest? I guess, but I'm being completely honest when I say I just don't have strong feelings about 100% opposing them. Maybe this is going against what I've been saying on this account, but I can never stop people from shipping characters.

I've shared some strong feelings in the past and may have hurt others with my thoughts about shipping within TUA, as every fandom does have issues with ships. My issue is just with viewing the shipping of the Umbrellas as incest, which is already something debated in the fandom. I'm not going dive into this controversial topic at the moment, but my own thoughts aside I have seen people with adopted siblings within the fandom become uncomfortable with the Umbrellas being shipped because in real life it doesn't matter that their sibling is adopted, it's their sibling. So it just all becomes a matter of opinion when it comes to what you consider incest in TUA.

To me Luther and Sloane are step siblings, but then I also think about how they weren't raised together as siblings, but in this alternate universe Reginald is still their father so I believe it connects them as step siblings. On top of this, Reginald has something to do with the creation of all 43, or 16, children so does that connect them as their father besides him being their adoptive father? I don't know, and maybe we'll get an actual answer in the final season, but besides that Luther and Sloane feel different to me.

I really and truly appreciate you reaching out to me about your concern, anon. I have decided that I'm going to go ahead and remove that dni from my bio now. I think I'll go about my own way of trying navigate the fandom with this issue (which it's an "issue" to me not just something within the fandom) instead of having a big ol' dni in my bio. I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about Luther and Sloane, but my views on shipping the Umbrellas with each other and Sparrows with each other still stand as it makes me uncomfortable.

Everyone has their own right to be comfortable on the internet, so I will let you decide on what you would like to do. You are welcome to stay, and again I appreciate you for coming to me about this. If you would like to leave though, thank you for sticking around for so long ❤️

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

content warning for grooming and incest

.

.

i think my older brother was grooming me when i was younger

i apparently am not knowledgable about what grooming is, because ive described traumatic situations regarding other toxic/abusive people in my life without thinking they were groomers but the people ive been talking to about it told me that it was all grooming behavior, like showing me porn (sometimes literal csem) when they knew how young i was and telling me that i was special or something along those lines.

so about my older brother, there was definitely emotional incest happening but i dont know if thats the same thing as grooming. i remember him being really attached to me in a way that made me incredibly uncomfortable. my family in general has a codependency issue and i grew up thinking that feeling suffocated by them was symptomatic of my selfishness so i dismissed my feelings as just me being selfish.

my older brother dumped his emotional problems on me (we have a 5 yr age gap jsyk) and told me that i was the only person in the family that he could trust. i dont want to say "i took care of him" but i always protected him from my abusive father and i was afraid of making my brother upset in some way. not necessarily because i was "afraid" of him but because he pressured me to, with all the trauma dumping and stuff he was doing and telling me i was the only person he could rely on. so like id do his chores for him when he slept in or id cover his tracks whenever he did something stupid. all of this had my father call us twins and he compared our relationship to a married couple on tv.... it made me feel sick to say the least.

skip forward a few years and my brother started to fucking stalk me. i entered high school by the time he graduated and i guess because he couldnt watch me in person he resorted to texting people from my school on instagram and he asked them about me. btw he was creepy with them too, one of them was a friend of mine and you can guess what happened to our friendship. not only did he do this but he randomly accused me of whoring around and texting boys instead of texting *him* like i was cheating or something. and when he did that i was furious but i was like "omg i would never ignore you i promise im not talking to boys..." just so he could shut up. he continued accusing me of this btw and it made me feel disgusting.

i also have these other memories... theres the times he asked me to move in with him (keeping in mind his obsessive behavior towards me) and theres this other time he showed me a song he wrote with his friend that mentioned how good of a sister i was or whatever. i also have this random memory of him getting mad at me because i didnt want to sit on his lap.

writing all of this was triggering but its been on my mind. if youre curious about our relationship now i practically cut him off. i committed the crime of calling out his toxic behavior and ever since then hes been aggressive towards me and talking constant shit about me to his equally as disgusting wife. hes always been obsessed with me and behaving in strange ways but i wonder if it was more than emotional incest... like grooming. what he'd groom me for i dont know but its like he wanted to be the only boy in my life, like he wanted to be my boyfriend. for a very long time i thought i was being selfish for finding him uncomfortable but now that im a little older and able to articulate my feelings better he was and still is a clearly abusive person. btw if any of this sounds familiar its because i sent anons to agirldying before, im just summarizing all of this again and adding new info so i can give valid reasons for why i believe he might have been grooming me since i was 10 to age 16.

Hi 💔,

I'm (again) so sorry about what you've been going through.

I'm honestly not too sure where the line is between grooming and emotional incest but I can definitely see how there could be some overlap, or how emotional incest could be a foot in the door to grooming, or vice versa. I know a lot of people tend to think that grooming can only be done by adults, I know even just by experience that kids can do it too, though unfortunately there's very little out there explaining it in that context.

Although it's about adult relationships, I still found this article that April wrote helpful in context of my COCSA, so I'm wondering if this could be helpful for you as well. It essentially spells out each step of grooming: targeting the victim, gaining trust, filling a need, isolation, abuse, and maintaining the relationship. You may be able to identify how your experience aligns with that structure.

I also just want to say, you don't have to explain yourself, you know? This string of traumatic experiences are distressing for you, and while it's perfectly okay to talk about it as much as you want, I think it's also important to acknowledge how much space you're allowing your trauma to take up. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. We believe you, no matter how much or how little you explain what happened.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[babbyspinchh]

one gnawing feeling that Really stuck with me all these years is that im unimportant to people, inherently invisible and unknowable at my core and that no one even wants to try get to know me. i start to cry when i think how i was really too little when i got familiar with what it feels like to be alienated and kicked off into the corner, to never be enough and to have others pick someone else over me, not even as the secondary choice, but not a choice at all. ive experienced this in sports , among teachers when theyd decide who was going to be tasked with approaching me, w my parents when they put off obligations regarding me onto the otger parents to-do list (like my mom telling my dad she wont come to the parents school meeting so he should go instead), in class when students were supposed to choose members for their groups, with my neighbourhood friends when theyd choose who they want on their playing team. i wasnt a violent kid that would make me stand apart that much but there was always an air of uncomfortableness that people emitted when it came to choosing me. i was always the overlooked member in family, the one who just showed up to eat and sit silently, no one bothering to make me feel included, or noticing that im being overlooked. i could never understand what was so wrong about me that made them walk on eggshells like that, but it was recurring enough to make me become hyper aware of myself and analysing the way im being Constantly. and i mean there was literally not a moment when id be around people where my mind would ease off of the reminder that im being observed. and boy did it completely alter my brain, i sucked and still suck at relaxing. at one point all that analysing got me and i lost touch with myself; i was too afraid to say what i really think, even more scared to say what i feel. i made myself agreeable and unproblematic, smooth like a stone, made sure to carefully craft the things i say so that it doesnt end up upsetting anyone, and i was silently hurting all the time(this was displayed through severe social isolation but still no one offered me comfort) , and then people had a problem with that too. i wasnt myself enough, they didnt find it interesting to be around me, i seem vapid, hollow, like im not there at all. and when i experienced that type of discrimination i ended up completely shutting off into myself, i simply stopped talking (and still dont), people think im exaggerating when i say im basically nearly mute. peers at uni thought of me as the creepy girl who sits silently and morbidly plans a serial killing spree lol. and this would be an ideal way to exist if only it didnt irrepparably fuck me up in the long run. u basically pretty much lose your autonomy when u stop being in touch with the world around you, you stop every mutual flow between u and ur environment. things would happen and i was so disconnected that i didnt know how to react appropriately to situations, everything was foreign to me. id lash out when i was asked a question and id cry when i wasnt told anything. my bitter feelings filled up all my cells. the dissonance i felt between how i react to the world and how those around me react grew bigger. i had to deal with my overwhelming feelings all,by myself Plus with how to deal with the people around me who didnt and will never share or try to understand what i felt. i was exhausted simply from standing upright. the term 'alien' seems cliche but thats really the first experience i had with the world and the one that still sticks and very much affects how i approach everything to this day

idk at what point it was where something in my broke and i became the complete opposite of aggreable and unproblematic. i basically ended up relapsing to the way i was way back then, repelling people bc of what i say and think and the way i talk and move is too odd. except this did get me a few friends though, mostly bc people are pleasantly surprised by my intensity

and now ive become better with letting people linger until they take root, but i see this feeling creep in completely unprovoked. i start to doubt their intentions and i dont understand what there is about me that they find good enough to stick for, that its only a matter of time until they meet someone they like better, or that theyd grow tired of me, or that theyre lonely and im the only one good enough for the time being to sate their feelings. i can tell how much this is actively harming my friendships, i end up sabotaging them , most often than not its a subconscious thing. but then, when we split apart for good, they prove me all my suspicions by not objecting to the idea of losing me, and then its back to my 9 year old self all over again . part of what makes my friendship with people so intense and intimate but shortlived is that im excited to get to know them , but theyre only excited to be known and not know me in return

the bitterness i feel when i see ppl making friends easily tho, whew. the feeling kills. it reminds me of how robbed i was in my childhood, to be set apart from the others for a reason i still dont know. like everyone received a secret government alert to alienate me from them and it was like a silent agreement among everyone, peers and adults alike. it reminds me of this line i read here "i want so badly to be a part of this world, to stand in it, but every hand i touch withholds warmth. the world gathers everywhere beyond me"(i randomly quote it to myself sometimes , its become a chant lmao) . it perfectly describes the way i feel like an oil stain in water no matter who im with

the anger is even worse, its ancient and all-encompassing. bc i meet people who are so so great and lovely and i want nothing more than to make a blood oath to be by their side forever and to make it work but i know that will realistically never happen, i always fuck it up in the end, my brain has been far too altered by my experience as a kid. and then rhe preemptive grief begins, grieving the inevitable loss ill face by imaginig scenarios and reading too into peoples words as The Sign that its about to happen. i think all that'u can create new neural pathways' therapy talk is bs when it comes to certain issues. there IS a point where the way a person is becomes irredeemable. im grieving a (better) version of myself that never got given the space to exist , and i juggle between blaming myself , my parents, the country i live in, the school i went to, god(if such a thing exists), the teachers, and every single being whose blaming makes sense and might help me understand why my life ended up being the way it is. i dont think ill ever stop being the abandoned forgettable 9 y/o girl i was , at my core thats the experience that shaped me the most. it did help me become independent from a much younger age than the average teenager but it was a lifestyle imposed on me from lack of choice, not because i wanted to be by myself so much. this clashes in a very ugly way when i meet someone i really like, bc i want them to be present in my life, but i dont know how to exist around them, or how to involve them in it since ive pretty much constructed it to only ever fit me

[machinavillage]

i think i complained about my internet friend i visited irl last month.

about a week after i got home, after not talking to him for a week i tried to explain why i was upset. and he gave a pretty bland apology idk what else i expected. and sometimes i miss talking to him, but i sort of dont anymore. now im worried about when he's going to reach out to me again, or if we never talk again, or if im supposed to. or what. but i also dont feel like i can talk to him. its kinda funny.

like main thing was really that i was viscerally uncomfortable the whole time i was there. horrible dirty bathroom and he gave me nasty food and i would feel weird if i ordered takeout without him. and i travelled 8 hours on plane and he didnt want to go anywhere or do anything. just sit and play on his ps5. and he had the gall to look over at me and say "oh i wanted to text you right now but i realized youre right there". and when i got him to go out and go places with me, he clearly didnt want to be there. and he'd complain like "oh i dont want to go somewhere on the bus if we're on the bus for 30 minutes or more" bitch i was on a plane overnight for you? fuck you!

and now its like. i regret all the times i tried to talk to him about how i was failing to cope with child abuse and csa stuff like. i poured my heart out to this person and he never really gave a shit and had some of the cruelest responses to me honestly. and i kept fucking trying because i thought if im patient enough ill get something good in return.

i dont get shit i keep getting someone who tells me "oh, i really learned my lesson that time! im so sorry! i need to think more about how i treat you" and like. am i supposed to be learning something? did i do something wrong i need to learn from. is this mutual? at all?

i kept offering to buy him food and pay for all the ubers too because he didnt have a job right now. all i asked for in return was that he be somewhat interested in spending time with me. but since i couldnt even get that, i feel like i wasted hundreds of dollars now. i still didnt know ahead of time that it was possible for my feelings to turn in that way. like every mistake and every time he's pissed me off before is coming back now. it all got recontexualized and i realize he must not care about me at all.

i was going to tell him that im fine just being friends with him online but now im not even sure thats true. the stuff i complained about in my visit with him isnt even all of it. its way longer than that i just picked a few of the things that really hurt. he wouldnt go on an 1-2 hour walk through a nearby park with me. it was like 30 minutes to there, but i wouldve paid for the uber to or something and we couldve walked outside. he just "didnt feel like it". but then when he introduced me to his friend she said they went there together all the time??? whats up with that. why am i nothing.

like idk what to say to him now but saying nothing is starting to eat at me. int he back of my mind i dread him messaging me. i want him to disappear now. none of this is stuff id type about someone i still felt close to. but it feels weird to instantly hate someone because of that. but im not sure its instant either. i just cant really sort it out.

i feel like i kept waiting for years and saying "this is the person im closest too this is the only person i can tell this stuff to" especially in regards to trauma stuff and i just picked the wrong person entirely. and i kept thinking if continue trying it would pay off and id really really get something good. im so stupid. all that time i kept saying "this is the person im closest to" was probably time i couldve spent actually talking to other people or finding actual support.

now its been years since i socialized with people and i dont know how to. all for someone who seems to not care about me, not get anything out of me aside from playing video games together. and i guess i imagined everything i gained from being close to him.

[insanebirddog]

Story idea!

Ok, hello! so, i have a story idea and i have zero clue if i should ever make it a reality. Im jus gonna share it here cause i can, and if youd like to see this made into an actual project there'll be a poll thing you can click on.

The basic thing is its abt trauma, the effects, responses, coping mechs [bad and good], how its different for each person even if they go through the same thing, and that basically no matter if someone has it worse ur response/trauma is still valid. and itll also focus on mental illness, making sure not to romantisice or stereotype it, since ppl seem to think you can only act/look a certain way if you have a specific mental illness. i think you get it, yeah?

so instead of characters, i was thinking i could do a dnd type session thing with a group of people, because i havent been through everything and cant acturatlly describe anybody elses responses theyd always be effected by how i cope/act, so id put a group together and it'd basically be group therapy but cooler. I've always hated group therapy tbh, but this sounds like something i wouldnt actually dred. for the people/players of the session they would have their own character designs, made by them thats basically a physical manifestions of their traumas and the effect it had on them. we'd say we're put in a specific situation, seeing how youd react to it, and basically just cool ways of helping w/ trauma and shit for the players. when the sessions are done, each person/player would write or animate how the session went, from their perspective. how they thought others felt, how they themself felt, what happened, yada yada you get it. basically, journalling how the session went. what helped in certain situations what didnt, and i think it'd be cool to have each player not share said journaling with other people in the project just so its to see how everyone reacted do to truama responses and all that, ofc if theres any "i thought this person was really upset with me/angry at me" or "this thing someone else did hurt me" it'll be resolved next session or behind the scenes if people want that instead. and ofc to keep it from being stressful/anxiety giving/uncomfortable we'll have light hearted sessions too, that also storywise reminds you life goes on no matter what, even if you yourself arent focused on the present. now ofc, theres quite a few ways this idea can go toxic for the group so i'll always have to put precausions in place like if a sessions getting too heated ill have to put it on pause and basically be THE therapist friend and all that but thats easy.

if i ever do make this a reality im ofc gonna have to think of ways to not retruamatize people, how each situation thing would work, and the overall story-line would have to be made but i think yall get it. this is just the very base of the basic idea, i daydream abt it all the time. I feel like for me personally, id have a better experience with something like this rather then normal group therapy.

Sadly, i cant do more then keeping this poll going for a week, i dont have the people to focus on my rambles to know if this would actually be a good idea but i say fuck it we ball, ill send it to the disc server lol

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i feel. like bad? i need to get it off my chest!!!!

soo. okay i

i avoided my friends for like.. almost a month i guess. 22 days, the only reason i know that is cuz she counted. i didnt think she would, and i feel.. so much conflict. im avoidant when she brings it up, i dont wanna talk about it cuz i know she wont like what i have to say

she got drunk one night, like *really* drunk and she shared with me some pretty real feelings she probably wouldnt have otherwise. it hurt me, but i know she was hurting too. she *insisted* i speak about it, like. VERBALLY, anyone who knows me knows i fall short there. i

things have just been the way that they were for so long, i guess when it changed it was jarring maybe? ive been the loser. we're all losers, but i was the only one in my entire friend group who didnt have other friends outside of said friend group, but now i do!! and it makes me feel so happy, that i have so many friends i love so dearly yknow? but it makes me feel bitter that she doesnt like that

do you know how embarrassing it was? anytime i THOUGHT i had something good, id go and ramble happily about someone who i didnt realize id be LOSING in the next few months. embarrassing, shameful! but not this time

i guess me talking about it made her feel scared, but it upset me, because she got really upset when i told her i love all my friends equally.. i guess she didnt wanna hear that someone i met less than a year ago could be someone i love as much as her, which i get. i get how it sounds, but its not like that!! i love them UNIQUELY. she brings me things they dont, they bring me things she doesnt, im content and balanced and thankful for all of it

i handled it. poorly, i feel like i handled it poorly but i dont blame myself too much, im not known for this skill i guess. she started crying and it? it was like a joke at first but she was emotional cuz of the alcohol and it very quickly became not a joke, its the first time ive like.. heard her cry? and i felt bad that it was my fault and i really dont know how to comfort someone like that, its not a social skill i have upfront!!! over text its easy to collect my thoughts, but verbally? too much mental energy is being used on holding a conversation alone. but i also dont feel bad because its not WRONG for me to love my friends equally, i dont blame her for how she felt ofc

i didnt think i mattered so much to her, i guess. but she told me about it, and it made me... uncomfortable. like, TERRIBLY uncomfortable. thats why i did it, why i started focusing somewhere else. i came back suddenly, they were in the middle of playing a game and it felt so.. alien? like. it made me feel sick, this is my HOME and i felt like a stranger almost. i know 22 days isnt so long, but. idk, ive tried to keep in better contact, we are playing the games now, as we should!! but the truth is that after knowing it hurt her when i talked about my other friends, i just.. stopped talking about them, but i do things with them EVERYDAY, thats my day!! if i cant talk about them, i have nothing to say i guess

its bittersweet, ive sorta gotten back to being the unhinged loser they enjoy having around ig but i still dont talk as much as before, i dont want to because i dont wanna hurt her yknow? im HAPPY. im happy, so happy

she said she felt ashamed feeling the way she did, said she hates that shit but its still how she feels, i dont blame her. honestly?? its giving bpd like MY PERSONAL OPINION... with the way she described how she felt about me, i think shes one of us but. that adds a whole other layer, the discomfort i felt, is that how i make people feel? when im obsessed with them? when i feel like i cant exist without them? it feels so wrong to say things like this, shes my best friend, ive known her for years.. its just. we dont do emotions, i guess? and i think thats wrong of me cuz she expressed that she wanted it like that, she wanted to be open and vulnerable, and i didnt like it!!! we can do it over text sure, but.. sit and talk with me? she dmed me the other day saying like 'dommm we should vc, i wanna get drunk and have therapy again while you give me good advice'. i ignored her text, on purpose. usually its NEVER on purpose, if i dont respond you can bet like 100% i clicked the message, read it and then went back to what i was doing because i was distracted, or i have a really bad tendency of THINKING my replies and not actually sending them and being like yep. social interaction well done. but no, i ignored it on purpose. anytime she asks us "guys, yes or no..." i say no, cuz i know the question is if she should drink or not. i know she'll still drink anyways, i just leave early, pretend my new sleep schedule is the reason why, pretend im tired because it makes me uncomfortable still

im not good at it!!! i cant give her what she needs like THAT.. i cant have her sit there and tell me all her problems and cry, i CANT because i dont know how to handle it! like i genuinely have no idea how to handle that at all. over text i could probably manage just fine, but she wanted me to sit there, wanted my camera on and everything.. i felt like i really? i mean i TRIED, i did my best, i listened to her, i can always do that.. the problem is she wants advice, you will not get advice from me if im forced to physically speak. so i just feel like i let her down, yknow? i dont know

ive backed myself into a corner probably, im too scared to be open cuz she tends to forget the things she says when shes drunk, so maybe she doesnt remember telling me how she feels about me? i guess theres an added layer of discomfort, because like. when we were 18 i think? she drunkenly confessed that she had a crush on me and it felt really.. ive never seen her differently for that, you can absolutely trust. shes my best friend and i never pushed her away despite those feelings, i just had to tell her i didnt feel the same and it never came up again, and we've been fine! but, knowing how she feels about me now? it makes me uncomfortable because of that, its hard to describe. idk its a lot of mixed feelings!!!! nothing i could ever tell her, probably

and it made me feel horrible for all the times ive ever talked fondly about my friends, or the times i was breaking down so badly over them that i had no choice but to cry and wail in my channel, knowing literally only one of them probably would respond (which was true, they talked me thru it a little bit). thats where our emotional talk ends. i dont want to be emotional with someone i know physically, it stresses me out!!!! yes i love you so much, you are my entire world!! ill kiss yr hair and hands and we can cuddle, we can spend a whole day together and go out to eat, we can sit at home and play games, we can do all of it! but.. online its easy, im words on a screen. physically?

i hate to feel GUTTED. i hate feeling vulnerable, i hate feeling EXPOSED. that first time i went to therapy for fucking GENDER DYSPHORIA and our first session was *wasted*, wasted because i had to tell my mom that i wanted to kill myself. sinking in my stomach. all those times ive had traumatic response to them fighting, the fucking scars because of that, the times my family have seen the scars. IM TIRED imf ucking tired, i hate to feel that way. i hate being exposed i hate having my heart on display i hate it all!!! i hate someone knowing something about me, i wont let myself be pressured into sharing trauma and details, i want it SECRET. share yr trauma with me, thats FINE, but its like. idk i wanted that call to end to fast, it was completely out of my comfort zone and i feel GUILTY for that. im averse to change, i really hate change actually. i made a whole post talking about our dynamic and how i adored it, and then it was sorta flipped on its head? i stopped playing that little dragon game on roblox cuz i was playing that while we were talking and anytime i fly around looking for chests, the memory of that conversation comes back to me. i want to forget

we fit like a glove, we're back to how we always have been when we talk, but.. she mentioned it the other day. thats how i knew i was avoidant for 22 days, she told me she counted. i felt bad, cuz i hoped she wouldnt notice. i couldnt think of anything to say, other than "well.. i was monster hunting idk man" and she sounded upset with me when i said it. we moved on quickly but. im not made for that. what did she want me to say? whatever she wanted, i clearly didnt say it. idk i just feel lost, feel stuck and the worst thing?

i dont want to be exposed to anyone but them. like THATS the thing, maybe if i didnt have them then id be fine with it, but.. it makes me uncomfortable, feels like betrayal. they can see that side of me, no one else can because i dont WANT anyone else to. i trust them, i feel safe enough to be vulnerable around them, its a big step for me and one that i dont take lightly. its not her fault i dont feel safe, and lord knows i trust her!!! its just.. different. opening up is hard, i feel more.. understood? i guess you could say. idk its just. hard to describe. i love my friends so much, but my friendships are all UNIQUE and thats why i love them. talking to either is fulfilling!!! incredibly, in very different ways but still!

idk it just sucks i guess, it makes me sad that me talking about my happiness is a sore spot for her, ive never been happier in my whole life!!! but i know it probably hurts her that it wasnt her that gave me that happiness. theres nothing i can do about that!! she makes me happy in another way, one exclusive to her. we are so sillay in vc, its FUN i have so much fun with her, but i think that.. maybe by telling her that a while ago, i fucked up. i shouldnt have told her she was my BEST best friend, i shouldnt have i just get.. natural tendency to tell people what they want, avoid conflict.

it feels like it established an accidental conflict, one no one else knows about. did i make her think i loved her more than my friend? or my other friend? like it makes me sick, but you cant just BACK TRACK. i cant just say actually? like i love them also yknow. cuz that would hurt her probably, its like im fucked no matter what!!! sure we ahve good chemistry in vc, the best chemistry in that whole friend group when vcing, but? i used to refer to one of them as my spouse like. MUTUALLY, we were married platonically okay. the other one? i love him so much hes so silly and . GRGR like. i just hate this idea, but its all my fault it exists. no backbone. i love my friends EQUALLY. i have a lot of love to give everyone, it would hurt me so badly if i wasnt loved equally, thats why i love the way i do. i even told her, im INSISTENT with it. i refuse to love inequally, it would hurt people and i hate that!!! but. i hurt her regardless, its. IDK man its a lot im just airing this out, she'll never see this, none of them will. good

we can move on from this, we mostly already have. im just scared i might have to put my foot down a bit, and tell her that it made me uncomfortable, i dont want to put her in that situation but if we get there then we get there. we'll be okay im sure

[cydie]

damn talking to Jason has reminded me of a pivotal childhood experience that id completely forgotten about that played a massive part of my life

childhood friendships

i always feel like a pick me telling people i struggle to make female friends but its very damn true but i had no idea how deep it ran

growing up i knew i had a shitty relationship with my mother yeah

but it was hot and cold

like it wasnt that i didnt know how to be personally close with another female

physically at least like being comfortable with the female body

bc in asian culture bodies are just bodies

and theyre less likely to be seen sexually

you have more of a divide between men and women than we do in western culture

so i showered with my mum a lot

being naked in front of her was not uncomfortable for me as a child

being close in proximity was not an issue etc

but i was never emotionally close with my mum i would never tell her anything

and i dont think about that specifically because i relied on her as a parent emotionally?

but when it came to my own personal emotions that didnt involve say like

something physical

i couldnt imagine confiding in her

but then growing up i was never taught to feel my emotions or had any guidance or learning about how to handle my emotions

so probably one of the reasons i grew up so independently was because i felt like i needed to

and that didnt really connect with anytging until i realised today

that i had very valid reasons for not having female friends

and i so wish that i did but im scared of girls potentially in the same way guys are scared of girls but mostly because i have never been emotionally vulnerable or open with a female and ive never been able to because of my relationship with my single mother

chelsea:

the first flag that showed me i had connection issues was my friend chelsea. in grade 10? around then, id made a new friend group. they were all in mainstream and there was 3 main girls in the group and 2 guys 1 of the guys ended up turning out kinda weird bc he liked all of us and one of the girls i tihnk chels told me he was saying things to her about me that were sexually explicit like the things he wanted to do or something idk either way not the focus so i got really close to chelsea as a friend, because she slept over at mine once. my mum approved partly bc she was half japanese, and a girl. and sleepovers were fairly rare for me especially in primary school, but less in high school but my mum really preferred me to have someone stay over at mine, not have me stay at someone elses which really stopped me from making a lot of friends tbh and a lot of missed social experiences anyway i was pretty close to chelsea, had a lot of inside jokes etc but i remember a facebook conversation with her in dms where she got upset at me because she always confided in me and told me her secrets and i never told her any of mine and i remember thinking "i dont really have any secrets??" like back then it read to me like she wanted me to tell her my secrets and personal things but i personally did not have much thought i didnt have anything i was particularly upset about or had any personal things i just had a very average life of seeking the next piece of dopamine and i was like a kid?? but now i recognise that as she was seeking emotional connection, something that she was trying to bridge by telling me her personal things, and something i kept rejecting bc i had nothing to tell her (i probably did and i just didnt see them as necessary information to share) and i can see the different mindsets of me when i was 13 and me now as a 26 year old back then i??? was not an emotion person? iw as very cold and calculating and you wouldnt be able to see that bc i was still a girl and a kid and cute/endearing as a small asian kid but we didnt stay close i dont remember why but i drifted from that friend group maybe bc i got different interests made new friends etc (start of my tumblr phase)

2. nicole

throughout my life, i've always had 2 online best friends. chloe and mary. and it was easy to be friends with them because there was no IRL demand we would msn all the time, video call all the time and play habbo hotel amongst various other social games and honestly these were my closest friends from like maybe 10 to like 16? i used to make up stories like i had more friends irl than i actually did and make fake facebook profiles to play a pretend storyline that was my life honestly i hated my own life and i hated myself i was never taught any form of self love, only self hate. i learnt self hate from my mother. i learnt self sacrifice from my mother. but i never learnt self love from her even though i could easily see that she valued herself. she never taught me that she valued me, more than being her child. when i became friends with nicole in grade 9, because she was new to the class and i always liked making friends with new people bc they didnt know me yet lmao we got suuuper close she lived nearby, family renting from another friend i grew up with in primary school and me and her were close close to the point where we would hang out after school walk home together we would do most things together and i spent a lot of time with her on msn and in downtime/free time she even met my dad, which was rare she saw more of me than anyone else i think and thats why she saw through me because when her family moved to brisbane and she started attending the arts academy there, she left me a long note in a word doc i could prob still find it but basically it said, she didn't understand why i hated my mum, she didnt understand why i lied about friends/pretended to be people that didnt exist/she didnt understand why when she came to me for emotional support, i wasn't there for her she wished me well, and she moved away bc her dad had gotten a better job and she was about to get the life that i wanted i saw she got a dog too one time kayne james said nicole was ugly to brandon and brandon told me and told me not to say anything and i remember that info in my head still so clearly and thinking i never thought she was ugly, i actually admired her features but i guess i could see why ?? but personally i still disagreed regardless in the end nicole had 2 loving parents that was able to teach her love a privilege that i never had she was luckier than i ever was in life, despite all the privileges that i had in terms of money and opportunities

these two experiences flag to me now that i had never been able to connect to a female

and i still remember feeling so weird

like back then, emotionally confiding in a female was like there was a roadblock

when i was put into hospital as a kid, i was more comfortable with the male nurses than the female ones

and the only female nurse i had ever been comfortable with was nurse sue in the high school

where she said some things that triggered tears i didnt realise i had

her ability to connect to that inner part of me probably set me up to look for mother figures in others too

childhood is so interesting in the way it shapes you. i can think i know myself and i'm smart and clever all i want, and back then for my age, i was. but i still wasn't able to be as smart as time and experience.

its likely im still miles ahead of 90% of the people my age in emotional development and self reflection but i still have 90% of the way to go

even now, i still have connection roadblocks, and i have to work to figure out where its coming from and how to get around it

but its very interesting to think about these childhood experiences and think about how

i was blocking things out from the beginning.

[blackvail22]

also (this is my third or fourth post within a 30 minute timeframe btw) my dad made me uncomfortable tdy because i went to my room when my mom started yelling (by coincidence tbh i just wanted to lay down bcos i had a headache and was tired and i have no couch/sofa in my living room) and when i went down for dinner he kept asking me "what did mom say to make you mad. i know her. i know you" and it truly just made me uncomfortable and unsafe and he seemed a little drunk so itd make sense hed do that and im scared that my dad is going to cross a boundary now that i confide in him more than my mom

what doesnt help is my past!!! i have been groomed online multiple times, and--i cant believe im saying this--lying about my age saved me once. i told them i was the same age i told you (sometimes id say 16 which was SO obviously a lie). this one guy, his name was pierce (allegedly), told me "my dad needs a photo of your birth certificate in order for me to keep talking to you" (this guy was 20 AT LEAST. why would he need parental approval?) because i lied abt my age and name, OBVIOUSLY i was panicking. i thought abt doing it ngl. i was like "how am i supposed to change my birth certificate to say im am who im saying i am?" and then i thought "how the hell am i supposed to access an important document that my mom has wo her looking through my phone again?" so i was like "no. i cant do that" and he got all mad and was like "well im blocking you then" and i said "thats fine. im not even supposed to be talking to you anyways" i remember the exact date and where i was exactly during all of it and what i did afterwards (watch the heathens mv by twenty one pilots, it happened the same day as publication around 2pm)

god, pierce was such a weird guy. i forgot about him until recently. i met him on minecraft after my parents "banned" me from roblox. in minecraft he'd make me roleplay with him but like... yk... it was weird. he would make us write everything in a book and he would store all of them in a chest (there was at least 40 books of this). there was a time (i regret this so deeply) he asked me for my phone number, and i gave it to him. from then we would text each other a lot, and we would skype. i dont have any recollection of him ever talking when on skype. i think he would type everything out, making it weirder. also, i had the squeeky little kid voice so he obviously knew i wasnt however old i told him i was (i think 16). also, i very much DID NOT look that old either. i still have the photos from then... i looked so young. i could see 12, maybe? bur 16? no. i had a power outage once, making me unable to use my phone for a few hours. i had a panic attack because i was so afraid of him being upset with me (he was) and he threatened to kill himself. i didnt want to do any of the things he told me to do. i didnt want to hear any of the sexual comments he would make about me. i didnt want him to talk about how much he wanted to make me have a big family and enact all of *that* out. i didnt deserve to be treated like that, and i shouldve listened to my parents when they told me to block his number. i feel so responsible for everything that happened to me back then and even with the more recent events. i kept saying no but he kept going on about it. i shouldve just blocked them. i shouldn't have kept him in my life any longer than b told me to. i just liked the company and i didnt want to be lonely again... i didnt want it all to end up this way... *that* way. if i think abt it, i wouldnt have been bullied so extensively or experienced that thing his friend did (and they both said i was a whore) (*side note i never talked abt the thinf his frkend did and i truly do not want to talk abt the specifics!!!!!) and sometimes i think theyre right. i still have the messages from last year when he reached out to me. "i cant have forced you to do anything when im online!!!" u did though. if i blocked u or unadded you youd blow up our friends forcing them into the situation bcos u knew theyd be on ur side and theyd bully me or find a way to con me into talking to u. if i told u no, i dont want you to do that, i dont want to do that, youd call me a bitch and a whore and wouldn't stop begging for it after i said no and making me do it/go with it to make you shut the fuck up. are there a lot of things i said that i regret? yes, absolutely. honestly if he spread screenshofs out of context i would 100% be called a whore, a liar, and that i wanted it. but i only did it to make him shut up n not be pissed!!!!! seeing his name on a church sign in my town makes me shut down every time. he traumatized me NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED he traumatized me, in more ways than just that one. it truly reversed my progression by a lot. i cant talk abt it ever because i feel like no one will believe me or blame me for it.

anyways this all contributed to the changing and and scarring of my perspective of relationships--platonic, romantic... theyre all ruined for me. i always have a wall up now, and my ex did not help that at all! actually made it quite worse. im more vulnerable when it comes to the things i like, and im extremely careful when i make decisions that involve other people. whenever someone is extremely quiet near me, i start to panic. whenever i talk about my day, im scared people will not care about anything i have to say. they dont have to care, but its nice to have ppl care every once in a while

anyways ive been typing for 20 minutes now bcos im on my phone. its nearly midnight and i have to be at the hospital at 9am for my prodecure that is at 11am. im terrified but its okay

toodles!

wait no song time

d4vd has so many good songs he's def in my top 10!

okie byebye 😁

[iwillbecomealawyer]

how aloy reacted to both varl and talanah when it comes to their respective partners lives in my head rent free.. she deserves to be happy

and the cutscenes showing her reaction with varl and talanah,, didnt help??;$,& like id like to think the animators fucked up the rigs or something but it rly does look like she was uncomfortable/jealous in both when talking to/about their s.os

some examples are the scene where aloy just looked so somber when she insisted varl to go with zo to plainsong, how she averted her gaze when both of them kissed, and her blatant confusion or might i say even jealousy when she saw how close vo and varl were

one other way to look at it since the game is rly hammering the ‘no man is an island’ message in, is that maaybe aloy is more sad on the fact one of her most trusted companions left her and shes kind of upset about that and during that brief moment she realises how much she values them. i rly like varl and aloy together honestly and im so glad i got to see more of their dynamic. they seemed to rly care about each other and hold the same values, with varl literally following her just so she doesnt hurt herself like wow ok you are DEDICATED. and yeah id just like to think aloy kinda realized what she was missing when he went off with zo

and as for talanah… ohhh talanah. i have a lot of Thoughts about the quest but rn ill just talk about aloy (and me probably being delirious from too much copium honestly)

i can only read it as aloy trying to be invested in talanah’s relationship but she was just not. she played a little tease for her in the beginning but she just became less and less enthusiastic trying to console her about amadis. and that enthusiastic ‘really?!’? her smile when talanah hugged her? come oooon. girl was pining

what i at least liked about this quest is how aloy has always shown to be dismissive or new about the idea of friends but once talanah was mentioned, she was open to calling her ‘an old friend’. she was even willing to point out how she wanted to see her despite her important quest. and in the actual sidequest, she was willing to help her all the way through. i would talk more about these two’s relationship more in a separate post but hajamdmsmfmsm im too incoherent for analytic shit but we’ll see ill most probably do it and word vomit lmao

however with all of this said, i could also see it in a way that aloy is simply not knowledgeable about the idea of love, which is very understandable since shes never had an ounce of social or romantic interaction in her life until the past year. so yeah i can admit im coping too much and i choose to stay this way bc crumbs orz

ANYWAY i digress i havent finished forbidden west yet but all i literally want from this game is for aloy to have HER definition of a happy ending. ive seen her stressed, sad and angry too much already… she doesnt need a love interest okay im fine with that!! i just really want her to be happy

[fatphobiabusters]

hi id first just like to ask if you could please answer this anonymously as im uncomfortable with this being answering with my username/account attached. that being said something happened today that id really appreciate some advice on if you can give me any and also need to vent about. 

basically, im a fat 17 year old with PCOS (the most significant way its affected me (other than my weight) at least to my current knowledge is a very rare/delayed period which i have started taking medication for that has helped quite a bit although it does have side affects of affecting my mood and sleep but i only have to take them for a little over a week 3 or 4 times a year and apparently those side affects will diminish over time so its not a major issue for me) and today i had an appointment with a dietitian that my mother had set up for me (and was present for) in regards to my weight and my PCOS (although before hand i only thought was in regards to my weight) the dietitian told me that my PCOS was apparently caused by my weight (specifically saying something about how fat around my pancreas was affecting insulin production) (saying so when all she knew about me was my weight and that i had PCOS) which i was somewhat skeptical of in the moment even though i hadnt done much research on the causes of PCOS and weight and PCOS specifically i had done some if not a lot on PCOS in general and most of what i had seen described weight gain/high weight as a side affect instead of the cause (and i have does some research since i got home specifcally via the blog bigfatscience here on tumblr and based on a lot of what iv seen weight is not a cause for PCOS) but when i brought that up she just dismissed it and i didnt really feel comfortable enough to push it further at all so i didnt and in general the appointment was really really uncomfortable and embarrassing for me especially with my mother there and there was a lot of talk on my diet which i really didnt enjoy and made me very uncomfortable but in the end the dietitian told me that i should eat less high GI foods and more low GI foods instead as that would help with things like having a regular period, gave me a diagram of a plate that was half vegetables and the other half split between carbs and protein as a bases for what my diet should be, and told me that i should try to loose weight and gave me a sheet with info on weight loss. im not necessarily against the idea of trying to eat less high GI foods (although i dont know if that would be sustainable especially if it was eating a lot less high GI foods and the main reason i was give to do so other than weight loss is to help have a more regular period which i am already on medication for like a said earlier so i dont see much point in that regard but my mother said she wanted a "more permanent solution") and i am somewhat skeptical of the diagram that was given to me although i havent done much of my own research on that specifically, i have however done a lot of research on the adverse affects of dieting and deliberate weight loss, and how losing weight doesnt long term and you will just gain weight back again which is more harmful and how trying to loose weight has negative affects on physical and metal health so i really do not think i should try to loose wight but i was also told that i should try to weigh myself regularly to see if im loosing and have another appointment with the dietitian which i feel like my mother is defiantly going to try to hold me to and i know theres no point in trying to show her proof that dieting and trying to loose weight wont work because i know she wont believe it and instead will either get upset with or dismiss me in ways that will just be very hurtful for me (i have experience with this in regards to things like talking about the way she treats my autism, her homophobia, and the many hurtful ways shes treated me in the past so i know what her reaction will be and that there isnt a point in trying to reason with her) (1/2)

so essentially i will have to try to loose weight regardless (especially since my mother is very strict and has a lot of control in regards to things like this in my life) even though i know that it wont work and will just hurt me in the long run. on top of this despite doing a lot of research into things like HAES and fat activism i do still deal with a lot of internalized fatphobia especially in regards to eating and i do worry sometimes that im close to developing an eating disorder beucase i often feel guilty for eating and good about myself if i dont eat or am hungry for a while and i feel like this is really going to add to that and potentially lead to me developing more ED habits or more of an ED mindset and i do already feel like its been affecting me in that way a lot like i havent had anything to eat since the appointment even though its been a several hours and really dont want to even though i am hungry and i know this isnt healthy for me to feel and act this way but like i said i cant really avoid it that much, i know this is a really lot of information and i dont blame you if you dont have any advice for my situation but if you can give me any or even just some support i really really would appreciate it, thank you

mod squirrel: 

Well the first thing that stands out to me is that you are 17, so whatever you are being pushed into legally will end when you are 18. I know that abusive people will still try to force people to do things but that's a start. 

TBH I would demand to speak to a NUTRITIONIST over a dietician. They are the ones more likely to work on making sure you are not being starved of nutrients. Also legally at 18 she can be asked to leave the room so if she INSISTS you go to the dietician after you are 18 (say by threatening to kick you out or whatever) you can have he removed. Also it is incredibly stupid to say ANYTHING about someone's insulin without tests? if you are feeling particularly salty, report that as medical incompetence to the hospital. 

What I say next is based on the idea that you are fairly powerless and have to make the best of a bad situation: At least sticking to low glycemic foods isn't a terrible diet idea, because diabetics have to do it. You can have nutritionally balanced meals, when being pushed into a wall like this it’s critical you get enough nutrition.  

If your mom wants a more permanent solution to your PCOS she should advocate for getting your ovaries removed but given that your dietician is a moron (sarcastic surprised Pikachu face) its unlikely to be on the table. You’ll potentially see weight loss on your hormone pills, when I started mine I lost some weight. because the hormones treat the issue that is causing weight gain. Im at the point that if someone who knows what PCOS is and they still think that weight gain causes it I’m calling into question everything they know. 

You're right that it’s pointless and you are on medication that would actually effect your weight as it treats your PCOS but your moms a fucking idiot. 

Again, this is a shitty situation. Focus on your own work unlearning fatphobia. Your mom has failed you but you don’t have to fail yourself. It takes a lot of work and its a struggle and that's normal.

Im gonna be raw with you. I had a gyno appointment and she kept talking about my weight and I had the same reaction. I felt like shit and like I didn’t deserve to eat. You can be doing advocacy and know the truth inside and out and it can still punch you in the face. Then I got angry. Anger gives me energy over depression freezing me in a loop of self hate. I ate food because she’s a fucking CLOWN. btw i find it extremely irresponsible for any doctor other than my primary doctor to talk about my weight let alone ask I cut something from my diet. So called medical professionals need to learn to stay in their fucking lanes. So I can say if I'm not there with you, we are down the street from each other. If you need to I say, eat out spite. If thats what it takes to make sure you arent skipping meals. 

As far as weighing yourself goes, mention how each scale is different so its best to only be weighed at the doctors. maybe that’ll trick her into leaving that part out. 

In the end this is indeed a shitty ass situation and I would focus on nutrition. Your mom can think its for weight loss but there's no guarantee it will happen period. 

When you turn 18 things are going to be in flux so hang in there. I'm somewhat at a loss because as far as I can see its make the best of a bad situation. If other mods or followers have advice please share. 

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

I'm also pregnant, and I was curious if you've also had issues with body image during this time? I'm nb and don't like my boobs, and it seems like the larger I get the more I feel uncomfortable in my own body. Obviously if you find this an uncomfortable question you don't have to answer and I apologize. I just dont know any other pregnant nb afabs I can ask about it.

my dysphoria is centered on my breasts and my period.

being pregnant, its easier to conceptualize my breats as a tool with a function rather than an extension of gender, so that helps. howeverrrrrr they have gone through extreme, unignorable changes that have fucked me up a lot. im terrified of not being able to breastfeed not just because of the lactivist propaganda machine, but also because not being able to would mean that theyd be back to what they were before, upsetting reminders.

but also my period is gone so it all kind of evens out i guess? debating getting the nexplanon back in so that it stays gone but im not sure yet.

something i didnt expect was the euphoria that seeing my belly grow has given me. i thought id be bothered by it but im actually rather comforted?? i dont hate my stomach anymore, its doing such a good job and ive just been fixating on the thought that my body is working so hard to give me what i want, and i just appreciate it so so much. my whole body, while fucked up, is doing The Work. and at the end of it all i get to hold my child!! i cant possibly despise my body anymore, not when its working so hard for me.

my perspective has shifted slightly because of pregnancy. my body isnt wrong. i wouldn't mind changes, but its not wrong. the environment its in is the problem. im not a girl or a boy im a person in a body. im a brain floating in water piloting a mechsuit that is perfect for me and my needs. im building something amazing and its so hard and im so confused and scared but for the first time in a long time im so proud of myself and my body.

so im gonna be okay for now i think.

[cloudycrystalkpop]

SMOKY | Heaven Above

Blind! Prince! Mingi x [unstated skin deformity] fem! Reader

words: 3k+

warnings: childhood trauma, smut

au: crown royal au | moodboard 

series masterlist: SMOKY

~

You lay in bed, just a bit away from the edge of the king sized mattress. Tonight was your wedding night, dressed in a silk slip that left little of your figure to the imagination, you looked to the other end of the bed, where your husband lay.

The boy was curled in a ball, his large frame made incredibly small and just a breath away from falling off the edge of his bed.

His body twitched and shook every now and again, you could only assume it was tears.

You couldn't blame him, in the madness of the last month youd cried yourself a sea of saltwater, watching as your future slipped away like sand from your fingers.

"... Mingi?" you spoke as softly as you could to the other end of the dark bed. The man jumped at the sound of his name.

"... Y-yes?" his voice shook in his throat, laced with fear. This caused you to frown.

"I know youre upset but, would you like to talk about it?" you offered gently. He stiffened at your words.

After a long minute of silence, and no movement from the other end of the bed, you assumed that perhaps he had fallen asleep, turning back to gaze up at the canopy.

"... Im sorry." the voice was so quiet you thought you might have imagined it. "Im sorry for everything. Im sorry youre stuck with someone... Someone like me."

"Someone... Like you? Marrying a stranger isnt something i resent you for." you tried to comfort him.

"No-well, yes but... You didnt have a choice..."

"Neither did you." you turned to face him, watching the outline of his back.

"... Mother says I should have run away and died in the woods." you felt shock fall on your chest at his confession. "Mother says im an embarrassment, that i shouldnt have been born. All ill ever be is a burden... And im sorry... Sorry that it falls to you know, and when im nothing more than a stranger... "

You felt a piece of your heart break at his words, the sniffles in his voice and the shaking of his shoulders now falling into place.

"Mingi, you are my husband. Which, means we are meant to be a team. I... Understand all of this is frightening, but, will you please give me a chance? So we can be... Not strangers anymore?"

After a long pause, the man rolled over, now facing you. You saw the stains on his cheeks reflected in the moonlight peeking in from the silk curtains.

Upon instinct, you reached out to tuck the hair away from his eyes, but you hesitated.

"... May i touch you?" you asked.

Mingi nodded his head, nuzzling his cheek into the pillow.

He flinched only slightly as you brushed his hair away from his eyes. Watching as he blinked them open, the smoky, empty irises stared back at you, tears still hidden in the corners.

"Mingi, I think... We can prove your mother wrong. With practice, you wont be a burden on anyone," you placed a hand on his cheek, watching his eyes flutter closed at the contact.

"With time, i think you can be a good king." the boys body racked in sobs once more as you pulled him close.

You slept that night, with your husband wrapped up in your arms. Tomorrow, is your coronation. You are to be the crown princess, and the sleeping man in your arms, the prince.

~

Mingi disliked walking with a cane. it was loud and he too often found himself still tripping on his own two feet. at home he knew the halls by heart, navigating them even when tired like any other resident. but in this new strange place, he had to keep one hand pressed against the wallpaper, feeling his way to build his map of this castle. the castle that was now his new prison.

he had been assigned a guard as his guide, a charming young man who gently guided the prince, Mingi’s left hand resting on his shoulder, his right hands fingertips brushing the walls.

you trailed behind the pair, watching curiously. Mingi’s head rested bent, his chin almost touching his chest. his resting state seems to always involve making himself as small and unnoticeable as possible.

the guard’s playful voice chimed in, interrupting your studying of your husband.

“I must say, I really expected you to deny the request for me to join you today, Your Highness.” he smiled over his shoulder, clearly speaking to you.

“oh? and why is that?” you asked.

“well, you have that knight of yours~ he speaks so fondly of you, and I almost never see you two apart. I was almost frightened id make him jealous.” the man giggled.

“hmm, Seonghwa has been loyal to me since I was a teenager. I trust him very much as I'm sure you've seen.” you nod. “may I ask your name sir...?”

“Hongjoong!” he smiles over his shoulder, bowing his head.

“...are...we in the main hall?” a quiet voice speaks. Mingi’s hand fell from running along the wall, instead laying limp at his side.

“ah, yes! it would seem we have arrived!” Hongjoong chimed.

~

the coronation was, a frightening experience. you stood at the head of the hallway, almost envying Mingi for not having to look the countless royals in the eye. see the seething and loathing, and plots for your murder, just to take a crown you never even wanted to begin with.

you placed your hand on your husbands bent arm, and it was then you realized, he was shaking. it was customary that the now crown prince lead his princess out of the hall, but Mingi still had only half learned the layout of this castle. never mind the panic he was hiding under the circlet on his head.

“Mingi,” you spoke, not even a whisper. you felt his arm flex under your hand. “match my footsteps, and lets get out of here.” he let the smallest nod, and the two of you set off.

you held your head high, eyes forward, not even bothering to return the stares from the court. you would be queen, weather you liked it or not, and now was not the time to show weakness. now was the time to prove that you were unshakeable. your “unroyal appearance” be damned.

~

when you arrived back at your bedroom, Mingi asked if he could have a moment alone. the poor man was close to tears once more, arms wrapped around his body as he shrunk into a chair, curling in on himself once again.

a part of you wanted to go and pull the shaking man into your arms just as you had done the night before. cooing soft words into his hair. but, you didn't want to invade his space, so instead you ventured out, closing the door behind you.

“my Lady!” a new voice called from down the hallway. you turned to see a head of dirty blonde hair, as a court member walked up to you. you braced yourself, turning to face the man head on. “my Lady, I don't mean to intrude, but I wanted to introduce myself. I am Duke Kang Yeosang, of the west valley.” he kneeled before you, head bowed low.

you blinked in surprise. a duke? on his knees in an introduction?

“you needn't be so formal, Duke Kang. there is no guard here to pierce your breast for sneezing at the wrong time.”

the man let out a hearty laugh, raising to his feet.

“ah, I see you dread such social conventions as well. and please My Lady, just Yeosang.” he smiled. the man before you was incredibly handsome, his speaking voice a gentle but deep baritone. he then took your hand, placing a kiss to the back of it, bending in a low bow with his eyes closed as his lips lingered just a moment on your skin.

your heart beat echoed in your head as the warmth of his mouth on your bare skin. swallowing your blush down, you gently pulled your hand away from his touch. his eyes opened, staring up at you through his lashes.

“I am sorry my Lady, have I made you uncomfortable?” his brows furrowed in a frown, before the edge of a sword meets his neck.

“step away from the princess please.” a growl like voice calls from behind the Duke.

“Seonghwa! this man means no harm, leave him alone.” you glare to the man with the sword.

“if that is true perhaps you should answer his question Princess-”

“no. no, he did not make me uncomfortable. he simply took me by surprise.” you stated, staring down the man with the sword. he sighed, but sheathed his blade nonetheless.

“you should speak to your future Queen with more respect.” Yeosang stated.

“you shouldn't touch people without their consent.” countered Seonghwa.

a sigh fell from your lips. so this is a new dynamic you are going to have to deal with.

~

as the days bled into weeks, you found yourself within the company of the young Duke often, your guard dog never far behind. the pair could never get along, Seonghwa seeming to think every time Yeosang breathed, it was a threat to your safety.

you’ve spent countless hours in the library, Yeosang at your side, coaching you through politics, philosophies, and ideologies. his eyes sparked every time, he as well fit for the part of a Duke.

you’d be lying to say that the closeness with the young man didn't stir something within you. his curious eyes, his intelligent speech, the way he guided you.

more than just a flutter in your stomach, Yeosang’s long thin fingers dancing across the pages, the small dart of his tongue to his lips before speaking. this man sired feelings in you you had ignored since your girlhood.

days curled up in the library, hiding away from prying eyes, reading the strangest erotic poems you could find. most so ridiculous they made you snicker. but others... that was the same warmth you felt when Yeosang grabbed you by the wrist to keep you from knocking off your water goblet.

“my Lady, you must be careful! you could have stained your dress.” he placed your hand back in your lap.

“nonsense, water will dry. it leaves no stains anyway.” you huffed. Yeosang let out that hearty laugh once again.

~

Seonghwa complained about the Duke while escorting you back to your quarters. you simply laughed and rolled your eyes at his childishness.

“princess, please promise me you will call me if that... that mockingbird, ever lays his hands on you.” you laughed once more at his words.

‘mockingbird’ for his deep and ‘droning’ voice Seonghwa hated so much.

“you are not my father Seonghwa. you needn’t be so protective over such things.” you teased. “or are you perhaps, jealous?”

Seonghwa’s cheeks tinted pink as he looked down. “...you have not called on me for such... help, in a long time.” he admitted.

ah, that explains his borderline possessiveness.

“...Seonghwa, I am a married woman.” you stated.

“I know that! but you are not married to that Duke-” you cut him off with a sharp turn on your heel.

“enough.” Seonghwa fell silent at your stern tone. “watch your tongue, for you speak above your rank and I have little interest in hearing it.”

he clenched his jaw, but did not speak further.

“I have no further need for you tonight. you are dismissed.”

“as you wish, my princess.” he bowed low, but he never dropped his eye contact with you. Seonghwa begged you silently, begged for the affection you used to wrap yourself in. Seonghwa was a loyal knight, one who would carry out any request you had of him, be it sinful or murderous.

but you had little interest in making an adulteress out of yourself tonight.

you turned your back to the man, and entered your room.

it took a moment for your eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room, but once you had settled into the darkness, you could see the figure of your husband sitting on the bed, head in his hand.

“Mingi? are you alright?” you quickly rushed to his side of the bed, kneeling before him.

“y-yes, I'm alright, I'm sorry to frighten you.” he spoke softly, raising his head from his hands. you felt a twitch of pain in your chest at the puffiness around his eyes.

“have you been crying, my darling?” you asked, raising to wipe the dampness from his cheeks. his breath hitched, before he sniffled. grasping at your wrists, Mingi raises his head, empty eyes level with your own.

“...will you be honest with me?” he asks.

“of course, Mingi you are my Husband, I have nothing to hide from you-”

“stop. do not- please... please don’t say that until I've asked you my question.” his face is pulled in pain and sorrow, cracking your heart. you fall to your knees once again, placing your hands in his lap, and leading your head against one of his bent knees.

“what is your question, my prince?”

“is it true you have slept with the Duke?” his voice is small as tears prick at the corners of his eyes.

“no. I have never had any form of physical intimacy with Duke Kang. the man kissed the back of my hand when we first met, never have we done more.” your words were true, and you saw relief flood Mingi’s chest.

“...thank you... thank you thank you thank you...” he let out a hiccup just as you cupped his cheek.

“who told you such an awful rumor?” you questioned, raising to your feet.

“i... I overheard some of the guards speaking about it.” he admitted. “people forget... I am blind, not def.” you nearly jumped to ask who he had heard saying such things, but thought better of it for the moment.

“and people are fools for such a thing.” you lifted Mingi’s head gently, before placing yourself on his lap. “and they are bigger fools for gossiping about something with no evidence.” gently, you lay Mingi’s head to rest on your collar.

the man melted at your touch, wrapping his arms around you and burying his face in your chest.

“...you smell... like honey...” he mumbled, voice far away and almost intoxicated.

chuckling you petting his hair, “perhaps you are hungry, my darling prince.” Mingi let out a whine at your words. quickly pulling your hand away you raised his head again, thinking you had caused him pain from the sound.

his eyes were glazed over, cheeks pink, and breath panting in his chest. ah, not pain, pleasure.

“Mingi... have you ever slept with a woman before?” you purr. the man swallows hard.

“no. you think... any woman would want to crawl into bed with me.” he sighs. you tisk, grabbing a fist full of his hair and pulling his head back.

Mingi lets out a squeak of surprise, that quickly turns into a high pitched moan.

“you are the fool now, little prince. I understand you may have not had the privilege of seeing yourself in the mirror, but” you lean down so your lips graze the shell of his ear. “you are one of the most attractive men I have ever laid eyes on.” you feel Mingi shiver beneath you.

grabbing his jaw tightly, you twist his head, turning it away from you. “I do not care about your blindness Mingi, if I hear such negative self speech from you again, it will earn you a punishment.” he whines once more, before you begin peppering his open neck with kitten kisses.

“p-pl-please-” he whines, hands fisted in your dress, chest rattling with every breath he takes.

“please what? my darling prince~” you coo softly, hands now scratching through his hair.

“p-please... please... use me... I need you...” his voice cracks, barely speaking each word. you coo, cupping the mans cheeks.

“we have been married for almost a month, my prince, and yet we have yet to consecrate our marriage~” you tease, tracing your fingers down his throat.

~

Mingi may be blind, but it takes little time for him to map out your whole body.

his head thrown back against the pillows, neck on full display for you. one of his large hands with a bruising grip on your hip, the other’s fingers tangled with yours above his head. you coo softly to the man as he gasps in pleasure, your free hand bracing yourself on his chest.

you press your forehead to his, panting from the energy it takes to keep bouncing on him. you are thankful he never asked if you had experience in sex, for you worried he might be saddened at the truth.

yet even still, the mere... size of Mingi had your eyes rolling back in your head when you first sunk down on him.

you heard his voice hitch in his throat, hand pulling more on your hip.

“..I-i-ahh-” you could feel him pulse within you. shushing him, you leaned over to place more kisses over his throat.

“its alright, little prince, let it go. will you cum for me?” you cooed softly.

right at your command, Mingi came, spilling himself within you. his voice cried out your name, shoulders shaking as he squeezed your hand.

you softly cooed as you helped him ride out his orgasm, petting his hair and running your hands over his torso. his body finally stilled, and you felt him begin to go soft within you.

your thighs burned slightly as you lifted yourself off of his lap, feeling his cum drip and pool out of you. Mingi whined at the loss of warmth, hands pulled at your hips.

“I-i’m sorry, you didn't...” his face still burned pink, hair a mess on the pillows as he finally began to catch his breath.

“its alright Mingi, you can make it up to me another night.” you chuckled. He swallowed, but nodded.

after leaving to the attached bathroom to clean yourself up and change into your night clothes, you returned to the bed to find Mingi had managed to change the blanket the two of you had soiled. you smiled, noting not to underestimate the man in the future.

“can we... can we do that more?” Mingi mumbled as you crawled into bed beside him.

“of course~” you cooed, stroking his cheek. he sighed in contentment, mumbling to himself.

“what have I done to deserve you...” he wrapped his arms around your middle, pulling you against his body. “...I am no good for a husband... and probably worse choice for a king... but, for you..” he blinked his eyes open, somehow managing to stare at you. “for you... I'll be whatever you want me to be.”

“is that so? you’ll do anything I ask?” you cooed.

“yes. yes, I promise. you... you own me, mind, body, whatever you want from me... take it.” he begged, eyes hazy once more.

“lets not worry about such things now, little prince.” pulling the man against you, Mingi quickly fell asleep against your chest.

“you own me, mind body, whatever you want from me... take it.”

“oh sweet boy, you should be more careful with your words. you’ve already got me falling in love with you.”