#i didnt say anything yesterday cuz i didnt know what to say and i still dont

[hijackalx]

*SOME DURGE QUEST SPOILERS*

***NONCON AND DRUG USE MENTIONS***

GORTASH SFW HEADCANONS:

ok to start i think when he was a prisoner his hair got rlly long and unkept and he hateddd it so the minute he escaped he chopped that shit off himself and thats why its so unruly lol (*EDIT he always cuts his own hair is what im sayin)

this man is such a taurus like everything about him screams taurus. has a taurus stellium fosho

would listen to superheaven

hes also sooo jenny by studio killers, disco man by remi wolf, happiness by the 1975 coded with Durge 😩😩

with durge hes also giving bf that ur dad hates but like thats canon. i think he likes that hes able to influence durge to the point that they rebel lol. the type of boy u run away with when ur younger

probably BLASTED jet black heart by 5SOS on repeat when Durge disappeared LMFAOO

also i kind of feel like the fearless buff to his clothing is more an insight to his character rather than him needing magic to not be fearful bcz he literally got the shit beat out of him everyday and lived in HELL how can he not be desensitized to everything at that point 😭😭😭 it does not get much worse than that my boy

hes so thique like hes just a big boned dude. tiddies SO fat too EUGH + thick shoulders/arms. he feels so warm and safe i just know it i just KNOW it gurl

also idk if it was supposed to happen but in my latest playthrough during the fight with him he dropped his bow and just started beating the shit out of us 😭😭😭😭 all hands baby like WHAT 😭😭 so i like to think thats his preferred method of fighting idk if thats canon tho i feel like i seen somebody talking abt that before but mightve just been another hc

occasionally does drugs. likes the ones that make him feel really elated (idk what theyre called in bg3 its some kind of dust or something) ALSO HC THAT HE WAS ON SOMETHING WHEN HE WROTE RHAT FUCKED UP NOTE TO FRANC (WAS THAG HIS NAME U GUYS KNOW THE NOTE) HE WAS OBVIOJSLY TRIPPING BALLSSSSS

lots of body hair…… everywhere……. straight and black body hair. that is so sexy to me let me smell the pheromones in your armpits king LMFAO (i think theres something wrong with me)

going off of rhat yes i think he smells good (DIVINE, even) as a woman that is feral and in heat all the time. but to normal ppl he may smell kind of weird. not STINKY stinky but like when u dont shower and ur natural scent starts to mix with the perfume/cologne ur wearing SORRY 😭😭😭 im trying to be realistic here. or maybe like when u wake up and didnt shower the night before and u can still smell the perfume/cologne u put on yesterday. basically what im saying is he might need to shower

hes just so masculine it drives me crazy I LOVE MEN !!!!!!!!!! I LOVE EEENERM. ME E WN

love language:

giving = lowkey getting acts of service vibes here but u didnt hear it from me 🤫🤐 gift giving too. tav is just his widdle babie and he wants to make sure theyre the happiest they can be 🥺😩

receiving = acts of service LMAO give and get back type of shit

relationship wise i think he is the most doting and sweetest person. like tav will never have to worry abt anything ever again bcz he will handle everything. takes care of them cuz they are his king/queen 😌

GORTASH NSFW HEADCANONS:

yeah going off that last hc he is sweet outside the bedroom but a menace in it. its just the way he is. its probably exhausting too 😩 like if u ask him to be gentler/less intense he will try for a while but probably wont enjoy it as much. he doesnt like to hold back.

i WILL say tho ☝🏻🤨 i think when he gets close to finishing he gets a little more soft/loving. he just has to get his badness out first yall its fine

HIGH libido wants to smash all the time. he also (POSSIBLE NONCON MENTION !!!!!!!) thinks that since ur his u should be willing to give it up whenever he wants it. (NONCON MENTION OVER) i think in the bedroom he sees u as a servant even if ur considered his equal normally. like hes a chosen of bane he has to feel like he has control over u in SOME way

can be selfish depending on his mood. sometimes he doesnt see u as anything other than a toy (lowkey hard for me to admit but i NEVA LIE GIRLS !!!!! 🙅🙅🙅) like can be such a fucking asshole about it too

BUT !!! when he is feeling generous he is soooo generous. EUGH like he will make sure u enjoy urself!!!! probably multiple times !!!!!!!!!!!!

dont know why nobody else has said he has a daddy kink. so obvious like call him daddy ms thing he will nut so hard. oh corruption kink too. like can u imagine Durge being so innocent when they first met cuz they were never allowed to get close to anybody and hes just sooo into it HELLO i got to write that fic NEOW

omg breeding kink too give him heirs. will fuck the shitttt out of u in a mating press. probably comes a lot too almost impossible not to get pregnant with him LMAO

likes to pick u up and fuck u. manhandling king. also will do the faerun equivalent to coke and wants u to do it w him then fuck nasty afterwards

i feel like he doesnt last an extremely long time. 15-20 mins is THE MOST youre getting out of him lol he just gets very excited (which is lowkey kind of cute??)

do i even have to say that this man is packing schmeat. heavy dick. heavy balls. allow me to bear some of that weight for u my liege 🤲🏻🧎

ORIN BONUS ????:

mostly nsfw

ok i didnt originally plan to add orin but listen….. gortash is a charismatic guy….. imagine orin was into him too LISTEN ! like shes jealous asf of Durge in that sense too not just bcz of them being bhaal’s fav. like when i think abt them i just am getting a vibe okay. this trio……..

every time she sees gortash and Durge acting close and doing all their yucky lovesick shit she just gets soooo mad. now imagine she shifts into Durge to get gortash to fuck her. yeah… yall seeing the vision? would he ever find out ?? imagine that was why he hates orin so much?? he doesnt want to tell Durge (cuz thats cheating hes not a cheater duh 🙄 plus hes scared theyll be mad at him) and thats why his explanations as to why he hates orin are so vague

[rhunsui]

That side character i said yesterday was.....

The one,

The only

*drumroll*

Not Spooky...

But

Bruner!

Yep, hes the 'certain side char' that literally no one was waiting for!

Now you definitely are not thinking, Why Bruner? Well, im gonna tell ya whether you like to or not! Cuz you can skip anyway! Theres a TL;DR by the way...

(TL;DR is 'too long; didnt read')

Anyways, the reason that the certain dude is Bruner is cuz he's actually part of the lore! Not a big role, but he kind of plays a part in Helly's past.

Wondering why? You probably arent, but, yk how in the pilot episode of RoboPoli, Bruner was supposed to be part of the rescue team?

Now, in the RPTA, its normal for students to drop out due to the inability to keep up, not everyone's a rescuer!

Im not trying to say that he was an ex-rescuer, im trying to say that when Helly was still RPTA (Rescuer Preparation and Training Academy, ill talk about it in a diff post), One of Helly's coach's mentioned something about Bruner being a past-student there but dropped out.

But Bruner was different, Bruner was doing just fine in the RPTA, he was good at the training, he could keep up. But one day, he just.... left.

Bruner's only explanation about his dropout was, 'Rescuing isnt for me.' After that, his whereabouts were unknown, they thought he went back to his hometown, unfortunately the academy had no info on Bruner's family to know if that were true. So of course he would be remembered by the trainers and coaches of the RPTA.

The way Helly knew about Bruner was like what I said, a coach mentioned Bruner at some point and Helly just so happened to remember it. Bruner was also a common example that the trainers used for the students. What i mean by that is the trainers record their students, Bruner's recordings were usually used and sometimes they would tell the students a bit about Bruner. There is also a file of Bruner somewhere in the faculty room...

Enough about the RPTA, I'll be telling you about Bruner himself!

Bruner was actually very popular during his RPTA times, which kind of the reason he's a lil selfish and loves praise. Honestly, he was probably popular cuz he liked to sneak away to private places to play ball...

Now as to why he dropped out, its because he never wanted to be a rescuer to begin with!

Yeah, he didnt wanna! So why is he even IN the RPTA to begin with?

Well, thats because of his family tree!

His fathers side of the family is a whole line of rescuers, so Bruner was forced to become a rescuer to keep the family tradition going.

Bruner always wanted to be an architect/builder, so when he was forced into training his entire childhood to get accepted, he obviously hated it! Sure, everyone in the academy was nice, but being a rescuer was not what he wanted to be! He may like the attention rescuers get, but he doesn't want THAT much attention, it would be too much for him!

So by the time he was 18, he dropped out of the RPTA to run away and pursue his dream.

The place he ran to, the one and only Broomstown of course! However, his family does not know anything about Bruner's whereabouts... The only ones who know are his cousin's (Aka, Bruny's) family which is on his mother's side. Bruner also got most of his genetics from her side. Bruner trusted them because it was his auntie and cousins that played builder with him, and they didnt care about what Bruner would be, they also promised not to tell!

So thats it, Bruner's story! I guess he's kind of the only one with a proper backstory... But hey, at least he has one, ya know?

Heres the TL;DR -

Bruner used to train to be rescuer, didnt wanna, ran away to Broomstown and his family dunno except cousin's fam (Bruny). Helly heard of Bruner cuz trainers talk abt him sometimes back when he (Helly) was in training.

[wish-i-were-heather]

idk if this counts as a vent but its kinda long i just need to rant

so i told my friends im asexual yesterday.

im still struggling to figure out with my sexuality where i lie within like who im attracted to, but i do know that im at least ace. i mean i didnt tell them exactly, i didnt use the term asexual, but i told them i dont ever want to have sex and i dont really feel that kind of attraction.

theyre my two closest friends, and the first people ive ever told. really just cuz its never come up, its not like im actively hiding the fact. we were playing this game of would you rather, but it was a card game someone got me for my birthday so like you played it a certain way to fit the game idk. and one of them (which confused me bc it was rated 14+??) asked would you rather "give up swearing forever or give up sex for "do it" for 2 minutes every day or have a 30 minute makeout session every day. and they were supposed to try to guess what i would choose, and i said the latter.

and they were really surprsied?? like no i dont really wanna do that thats weird, and they told me oh thats not weird some people do that and i was like do they?? idk i just dont like that. and they were like ok whatever and we moved on. and then later there was another (i really do wonder why this is only rated 14+ bc 14 year old me would not like these questions) that said would you rather give up swearing forever or give up sex for 12 years.

and i chose the second obviously. ik i do online but irl i dont swear that much so that wouldnt be hard, but also im asexual so like thats easy lol. and they were trying to guess what i would choose and they both got it wrong and they were shocked. and i was like yeah i mean i dont have sex now?? and they were like yeah but youre a teenager now what about when youre older??? and i was like no i dont really want to, i dont ever really plan to have sex

and they were shocked. they thought i was crazy they thought i was joking. and they were like youre gonna change your mind and i was like no im not i dont want to have sex????? i never have??? like ive told you i dont want to have kids thats part of why.

and they were like but what about when you get married? dont you want a boyfriend? it would lead to that!! and its just so baffling to me that some people think that way. its absolutely absurd to me that i had to explain the difference between a romantic and a sexual relationship. like i told them theres plutonic, romantic, and sexual relationships, everything in between, and not one is higher or more important than the other.

and they were like "but what about when you get married? what are you gonna do?" uhh im gonna love them?? im gonna love my partner romantically and be happy with them and not have sex??? marriage doesnt need to include sex. "what are you gonna do after the wedding?" uhh go home and take a nap?? idk we can cuddle but im not insane for not wanting someone inside me thats nasty. (no offense yall im just sex repulsed).

one of them literally said "but once your relationship reaches a certain point you almost have to" AND I WAS LIKE NO WHAT THE FUCK YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING EVER?? and they were like "i gUeSs". i told them id rather die than have sex like thats just not for me and they thought i was insane. they said if someone came up and said do that or die, youd die?? and im like yeah because if i dont want to then thats sexual assault and yeah id rather die than be sexually assaulted??? "what if your partner wants to and you dont?" then uhh if sex is that important to them we'll break up, i can respect their opinion and hopefully they can respect mine?? its not that confusing??

i dont know i just think its so weird to have that perspective in life. i guess its technically "normal" but the idea that all romantic relationship leads to sexual is weird. and the idea that giving up sex for 12 years is harder than not saying a few words is even weirder.

i mean the only good thing that came out of that whole conversation is i got over that imposter syndrome of not being "queer enough" because they acted like i told them i was an illegal alien getting transgender operations in prison

[confessions-official]

I'm so tired of my parents, listen they are wonderful people and I'm glad I have them and they aren't abusive at all but god they're so tiring

They talk about me being independent and how since I'm 17 I have to be ready for adulthood but then when I do something on my own they turn around and worry about someone else doing it for me

everyday before school they brushed my hair and picked me clothing for as long as I remember and the rare times they have to go somewhere so they won't do it they stress to my sister (mind you, she's 23 and in collage!!!!) to 'get me ready' when I'm in like, 10th grade? And I figured 'ok by the way this apartment is small and the way it's structured maybe this is why they'll stop eventually' but then they didnt

yesterday I decided to bake something so I went to the store, my sister at the time was at work and as she was coming home she was on the phone with mom and mom was seriously worried about if my sister dressed me not to look ugly, SHE WASNT EVEN THERE? and whatever I just threw something together because it's 30+ CRLCIUS OUTSIDE no one cares I was in there for like 20 minutes

And they do my homework, I'm being dead serious, this one's less """complainy""" because some people would kill for that and I get it but recently they started to only use chatgpt despite me askingif they can't, they still went with it so I don't bother, I don't bother with school cuz in reality my grades are theirs, the science teacher is weridly obsessed with ""my"" notebooks and wants to keep them (those notebooks were genially a nightmare, another story though), every teacher thinks I'm some werid super genius when in reality I myself haven't really done anything for the past 10 years, rightfully so cuz idk how to write an essay or a presentation, but I remember when I tried to write my homework my dad would erase everything and we'd do it again, my dad barges in the room to tell me everything about the lesson we had in whatever class cuz I haven't read it (mostly cuz A) I wanted to but I couldn't hastag executive dysfunction or B) there's no reason?) and he's so BORINGGG I can't hide it he's just so boring, I haven't used correctors in my life because they're worried about the Grammer being right on the first try (difficult relationship w my native toung lol)

and mind you, I don't think i need alot of support at all I'm a level 1 autistic (I don't like using the levels but it's the only way I can describe it) and admitibly I am a 'shut in' from the world (domino effect, I was the one who did it to myself, I know this is going to fuck me over in the future lol) but I am not stupid, I know how to usually get ready for the day I know how shopping works, the only real things I need support are going to places I don't know and things related to law

but I just can't, you guys preach about me having to be independent because you might kick the bucket soon and that's great! however you can't say that and then go to my sister panicking if SHE dressed ME for a walk to the STORE which is outside my HOUSE, I know you care so much for my wellbeing and I'm glad and appreciative for that even if I don't show it well but for me to overhear my parents arguing "well if we die and they take everything from her like money and houses what then" and my mom just replying with something along the lines of "that's her problem" like wow thanks you guys can't even decide if I should be independent or not because of the way you act, tired of you all

 

[candy8448]

Chemistry n history

Gcse rambles

Wow

Im so tired

I didnt revise yesterday so this morning i was just cramming a bunch of stuff i didnt still understand... only for none of it to come up

But chemistry! Its what im doing for alevel and that paper was SO GOOD im so happy cuz i was so nervous (i need a grade 6, i got a grade 5 last mocks but that was because we had litterally learned none of the material by that point sooo)

Anyways not much to say on it, but i did feel so exhaudted and was goig through it so slowly that i was scared i was gonna run outta time (i didnt, but still) otherwise i dont remember anything else to talk about it

History tho...

Nazi germany was the unit i was least confident (worse than elizabeth, and that was all self taught!) But i revised decently in those 2 hours between exams.

But that was so tiring. I hate how there is NO consistency between how each history paper is examined, each one has totally different styles of questions and different marks and it makes no sense. I went in barely understanding what they wanted me to say

And those questions were so boring and BAD, it was just regurgitating the same things, and same information almost every question, by the time i had gotten through it all woth putting the minimum needed for every question so that i had time, i was so exhausted that i didn't want to go back and add more info to the 12 and 16 markers. I know i could have written way more but i completely gave up cuz im so tired. I hope the other three make up for this one =_= (im aiming for a 7 D:)

Two of my poor friends are doing further maths and history, and for some reason they were scheduled to be at the same time as if no one thought that anyone would be doiing both, so my friends did both of them back to back without leaving the room for over 3 hours just doing exams and that must have sucked =_= they had to stay like 2 hours after school for this and i feel so bad for them

Anyways i cant even begin to think about memes rn but might edit later with some

1 exam left... it feels so sureal

I just realised that in america, since they don't have a school uniform, they probably don't have the thing where you sign everyone's shirts :0

[choccorin]

YAYAY IM HAPPY THAT THEY TOOK YOUR APOLOGY WELL and itsokay im also a coward in conflicts like i try to avoid drama but somehow i end up being part of smth ??? WAIT STORY TIME HELP SORRY THIS IS GONNA BE REALLY LONG 💔💔

ok for background context i used to like this guy last year (he… was not the best person but shh) and we got really close like he considered me his best friend but he knew i liked him so it was like really awkward sometimes when he would just stare into my soul and it gave off the vibes of “i know u like me and i will make u miserable!!” BUT ANYWAYS he forced me to confess (kinda) like he msged me and said smth along the lines of “i know you like me and just be honest.” why did he put me on the spot i do not know but i found no point in lying cuz apparently when he was at this competition a few ppl were talking about my crush on him?? i dont know how other ppl figured it out???

I MEAN OK TO BE FAIR I WAS REALLY OBVIOUS but also i didnt openly admit that i like him !! whenever classmates would ask id always say like “no i dont” or that its none of their business but they just love to get into anything relationship crush related like this isnt middle school anymore 💔 ang immature talaga nila pag nalaman may crush yung isa sa classmate ☹️ ANYWAYS ppl took that answer as “yes i like him!!” so they would just constantly talk about it whenever they see the guy so that explains why they were talking about me at that competition (i wasnt even there.) but he rejected me and i dont like him anymore. we are still good friends i suppose bc he still tells me everything HELP

anyways to the actual drama thats still happening rn its been like 3 months ..!

throughout that entire thing im afraid that there was a girl (shes my classmate currently) who was LITERALLY WISHING ON MY DOWNFALL BC SHE LIKED THE GUY TOO AND STILL DOES. like girl you can have him i dont like him anymore !! but shes been talking shit about me since ive been around him recently + SHE THINKS I STILL LIKE HIM. im usually a touchy person w my friends if they let me but it isnt even romantic or anything im just “abusive” (which is what they describe me as) since i sneak up behind them and slap their shoulder as hard as i can. HELP I PROMISE THEYRE FINE W ME DOING THIS IM NOT ONE OF THOSE PPL WHO JUST DO IT FOR NO REASON 💔 I DO IT BECAUSE THEY BULLY ME BUT ANYWAYS THIS GIRL REALLY DOESNT LIKE ME TOUCHING HIM (this sounds so wrong out of context..) shes really mad about me being close to him like im sorry he wants to be my friend?? im not stopping her from talking to him nor do i care if she does. im like 99% sure she was crying yesterday because i slapped his shoulder. i feel bad but i also dont bc she can go slap him too….. its not that special gang

she also calls herself an “outsider” and thinks the guy doesnt care about her since he doesnt talk to her. miss girl i think hes just creeped out by how you treat his friends LIKE IF I WAS IN HIS POSITION I DONT THINK I WANNA TALK TO SOMEONE WHO HATES ANY GIRL I INTERACT WITH

IM GETTING OFF TOPIC STOP BUT shes been spreading a whole bunch of rumours and talking about me with her friend group (who also hates me bc of this) and im pretty sure she thinks idk about what shes doing because whenever she talks to me its always strangely nice or asking me for academic help. like at this point i dont know the answer to the chem homework either stop asking me since you hate me sm!!

im praying she stops being like this bc shes genuinely a nice..??? person. shes just weirdly obsessed w the guy and will do anything to stop him from interacting w any girls other than her. LIKE IF WE IGNORE EVERYTHING ELSE SHE DID shes a decent person that i could be friends with. i cant even apologize to her or anything since I DONT KNOW WHAT TO APOLOGIZE FOR?? “hi im sorry for liking and slapping the guy you have a crush on” LIKE THIS DOESNT MAKE SENSE HELP but ill just let it marinate i guess and hope for the best 😓😓

IM SORRY IDIDNT THINK THSI WOULD BE SO LONG I HOPE EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE IM TOO LAZY TO READ IT OVER 💔💔 i hope u dont mind long asks pookie

- 🐙

OMG SAME !! i avoid drama but got caught it in during ninth and tenth grade :'3 so i'm trying to be cautious about the friends i make and also trying to keep my circle small </3

oouugghff knowing that someone knows you like them is sooo awkward AND HE STARES AT YOU TOO ??? i would pass out on the spot ... i hate those types of classmates na laging nasa business ng iba .. ESPECIALLY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS !!!! i think may ganyan talaga every grade. except for college, i think. since mas mature na mga tao dun but you never know. AWWHHH GOOD FOR YOU !! i personally wouldn't be close friends with him after that because people might get the wrong idea </3

SEEE, I TOLD YOU PEOPLE WOULD GET THE WRONG IDEA !! 🥹🥹🥹 why can't she just ask you if you still have a crush on him like she's making conflict for no reason at all. ( •́⁠ ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠,⁠•̀ )

why do girls have to go through phases where they go insane over a SINGLE BOY !! but i guess it's a canon event and they'll just grow out of it .. but! three months is actually so long ?? how do you deal with that 🐙 anon ... i would be so fed up and just confront her about it. i hope she confesses to the boy soon and he rejects her ( i assuming he doesn't like her ) so that this situation will be over. 🥹 if you let it marinate, it'll either get worse or get better, no in between! ( trust me, i've been there. )

ANYWAYS! i don't mind long asks, i love them a lot actually :3 it feels like chatting with a friend :33

[gyahyahyahayhahayahyahyahyahyaha]

this IS ridiculous and stupid and im only perpetuating it and stewing in it but like my whole, at this point, instinctual, response to being in the presence of this shithead is to go 'i have to kill that shithread/myself' is part of the reason why things are still the same and only getting worse. because i did kinda chose some of the worst time wasting things to focus on all this time and it was in fact just only distracting myself from these thoughts. nothing more. cuz i mean i couldnt really function and do anything else otherwise not without acting on these thoughts. ive been trying to not act on these thougths for so long but i dont have TIME to distract myself from them anymore so like... lol. i ve wasted too much time simply distracting myself and not like. doing anything else that might have... allowed me to extricate myself from this fucking situation. i am yet again, simply just tryiing to offload some of this fucking rage and anger building up. and like. as per usual the same regular thoughts keep pouring in. "what is the point at this point, on not just simply succumbing"

regarless of how things have been since however long ago. i stil have this ingrained fear+anger response. i get so mindbendingly incensed at their mere presence. i was literally cursing and sweaing my fuckign ass off audibly yesterday because i didnt feel safe with them at my back. and of course just simply being around them just pisses me offf and of fucking course instead of doing anything about it they complains to someone else about it. i cant talkt o themn either. what good is that going to do. nothing meaningful or good is going to come out of it.

theres no point. theres no fuckign point. obciosuly i have to focus on what CAN be done antd the more important shit but like. man. cmon. thats the whole issue. I CANT. i cant fuckign focus. and i keep wasting time. whether to distract msyelf or just.simply wasting time. all this time i know ive been focusing on the wrong things but like also its been so hard just keeping up with my fuckign hygiene and like keeping the house clean and it only gets harder becuase we dont have a fucking working DISHWASHER or WASHER or DRYER. and also cuz fo like depression bullshit. i dont want to get into "listing excuses" territory but like. ive BEEN using lots of stupid excuses all thistime. but also like i imagine because that bitch piece of shit is tryna make a more focused effort to cut n run theres no way in hell we're getting any replacements anytime soon. which just again just is making me so mad. this is something ive dreamed of. for so long. now that that stoupid bastard bitch piece of shit is leaving. ive more or less ruined/burned all mybridges so like idk. and i knew this hatred and fear would poison and burn me inside out. and probably catch fire to whatevers near me.

i dont want to say its impossible cuz like... its not. thats the whole thing. but it IS its hard to focuson other things, enough to get them done and dealt with... and even more so when mynumber one go to thought is in fact, "whats the fuckitn point" and so it fuckign cycles

and so it has been these last 20+ years.

i dont want to be like this. buti have been. and even now after all this suicidal ideation and ideas and whatever about "disappearing quietly and without a trace" im still fuckign posting about it... wonder what that fuckign means lol

again. YES its fucking stupid that things are like this. ITS FUCKING PATHETIC i let things get to this point. that i didnt do anything worthwile to mitigate or even TRY really. i did. i used to. but i realied it was kinda fruitless to do what i was TRYING to do and i kinda gave up on everything else. and i internalized that kinda thinking for so ong that i just didnt do anything since then. its pathetic. i could have broken out of this. i could have done SOMETHIN to leave. i should have just run away as a child. I SHOULD have done anything. i should have done SOMETHIGN. i can still DO SOMETHING. BUT AGASIN. i just look at my options. all the shit ihave to do and go,

"WHATS THE FUCKING POINT"

and the only things that i can actually see myself doing are reaching out towards probalby the most extreme and (maybe) unrealistic options out there.

and i say unrealistic cuz if i havent done those things at any point up til now, what chance is there of me doing something now. or when i no longer have a choice......

.............................i still have a fuckign choice

i still have time i guess......

but...a gain that fucking pulsing, overbearing thought leering and looming over my head saying the same shit over n over an over again.

"what is the point"

i can think of some answers to that...... sometimes.

maybe....

but even then its like.

i did this. i let things get to this point.

i made the decisions i did that cut off almost all form of exit. of escape or whatever route coud be taken to get out of this fucking mire.

and im languishing in it like some fucking idiot instead of doing something.

ive ruined my chances and i shouldnt and cant expect help. because what the fuck is anyone going to do that can actually fucking help me. whos to say tha i wont make things worse for whoever does help me. me i guess but i mean like.

the answer has been clear to me for so long now.

leave this place and die in some hole.

OR stay here and languish until you die here or they call the police and whatever happens then happens lol.

......and i like. i know. whenever whatever ends up happening. how i feel now and i how i envision it happenig will more than likely be COMPLETELY different ffom what does actually end up happening. but like. im scared either way . if things go the way i envision them going or if things go the way i dont. im scared of it either way cuz neither will be good.

like far as im concerned my only REAL, feasible options are rotting out on the street, killing myself, going to some prision/mental hospital or all of the above. (and maybe also somewhere inbetween now and then, bleeding out due to whatever going on with my body OR complications arising from losing consistent amounts of blood every day forthe last few years on n off). and well i think i deserve it.

i..... for as long as i can remember. never could see a feasible or realistic future or myslef. i had all these ideas and ambitions based in what might as well be delusion/fantasy because i never realy put all that much time or effort into working towards making those ambitions real or feasible. and now even still i cannot see ahead of me. i cannot fucking envision what continuing to be alive would be. aside from rotting until im actually dead. and then rotting some more. i dont want to die where someone will find me.

ive never been able to see a future for myself.

and like yeah. sure. you can fuckign craft one or whatever...

but..................................

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT.

even when i come up with answers to that question that i feel should be pretty strong contenders they always. kinda. just. fall flat.

in the face of everything. else... what am i willing to do for those reasongs. what am i willign to sacrifice. what am i willing to fuckign do. what effort am i willing to put in. i never felt like i was able to honestly or accurately answer those fucking quesitons.

and so again. i just feel like everythign i have is just. upheld by falsehoods. and maybe it actually is. but like. what have i done to say or prove otherwise.

what am i willing to do to make it real.......

i dont know.

ive been doing this same shit for so long.

unable to answer the important questions in any sort of meaningful way that feels solid or real.

yelling at myself to just DO IT, whatever IT may be.

coming up with stupi dlil workaround and convoluted rituals to get myself to do the things I WANT to do. WHATEER that might be. or thigns i NEED TO do. and barely bein able to take care of myself. i mean fuck i live in this house on someone elses money. im NOT taking care of myself. but like ive been so focused on tryna at least clean up after myself that i like just. dont do anything else. except waste time. on shit that doesnt matter cuz i not putting in the effort to make it matter. to make something of it. i.... idk...

like id like to be able to say ive been doing SOMETHIN to get outta this situation. like i have so much shit to catch up on like been essentially.... COLLECTING resources for all the things i need to prepare and do in order to catch up on what nees to be done. collecting resources for... STARTING. but i see these documents and pages and stuf that they require and i just freeze. up. i see they require like other ppl's signatures and like all my personal information like my dead name and alls orts of other shit and i just freeze up. i look at the other boxes to fill out and imaybe ill fill them out. but then i look back at the others. i stop. and then i dont save my progress and then i just. look away. go do something else. distract myself. it just. keeps happening. it keeps fucking happening. i shouldnt have had this many chances to squander. to WASTE. i shouldnt have had this many chances and this much time to WASTE. but i did. AND I WASTED IT ALL. AND I DONT SEE THE POINT IN BOTHERING. LIKE. MAYBE. IDK. MAYBE I DO MAYBE ITS BOTH I DO AND I DONT.

its just been all this same damn stupid ass shit. all the time. what do i have to show for anything.... like maybe i can get some fucking hep if i go see a doctor. for about half a much as i say "i should kill myself" or some more detailed variant of that, i also say "i should go see a doctor" i think about all the shit i needto do for that and i just start thinking. " but like do i even deserve it?" shoul di not just throw all my fucking caution and fear to the wind and just say fuck it!!! and let me live up to all this bullshit ive been sayin about how i DESERVE TO SUFFER??? but like i want to throw my cowardice away. i want to get rid of that. but i have to be careful from now on if i want to continue to have some semblance of a life i can enjoy or whatever. i guess. idk. what does that even mean. for me..................

every time i get to this poitn where i think about shit like this (which is just way too often mind you... theres not a SINGLE fucking day that goes by wihtout me thiking about killing myself or some shit like everytihgn i talked about here) i just think or have some stupid naive hope that i can like yell at myself or logic or trick myself into doing something. anything worthwhile. and then i just sit and stew on these feelings and.......

DO NOTHING.

this really is some stupid worthless whiny baby bitch bullshit but like.... i have to do something or else languish and die. liike i have been all this time.

[amakumos]

the thing is i feel so stupid still going on about it bc … theres no update theres still nothing 😭😭😭

and p much all of my friends have gotten to the point where it’s like ‘he’s stupid !!! his loss !!! fuck him u deserve better ❗️’ like girl i even told one of the teachers who was on the trip that he’s still not replied and she was like ‘maybe it’s time to get over him’ 😭😭 so thats why i dont wanna go back ranting to my friends bc they’ll just be like ‘he wasn’t worth it anyway stop thinking abt him’ 🥲

and i know ‘getting over him’ sounds a bit silly bc there wasn’t much there to get over in the first place but ig i have been ‘getting over him’ in the sense that i’ve been feeling way better this past week than i was before and i’m not thinking abt him as much or checking his insta as much anymore (i still checked if he was in my recent story views tho and 🙃 he wasn’t ofc)

but idk yesterday randomly a wave of … idk what feeling but the FEELS just hit me yesterday and i was like dang :/ do i actually want him to reply or do i just miss being able to talk abt him and theorise about him to my friends 😭

bc at this point idek if i would even want a reply??? like i had to ask myself is it a crush or was it just a holiday fling (if u can even call it that bc barely anything happened 😭)

i can’t even answer that question bc yes i did find him attractive and charming in the few minutes i spoke to him and the maybe,,, six hours i saw him for?? so i barely know him enough to even crush on him but at the same time not just any guy would affect me this much if u get what im saying? like if i didnt have some sort of interest/feelings i wouldn’t be this bothered by it yk?

i just can’t afford to be stressed over a boy when i have exams coming up so if, by some miracle, he did reply… there’s a chance that reply comes during my exam season and idk how i’d even begin to deal with that 🥲 like as of right now it’s not too bad, i can concentrate on college just fine bc there’s nothing from him but if there WAS a response my brain would be absolutely frazzled 🫠

this was a lot longer than i anticipated i am so sorry but ty for letting me get this out 😭🫶🏼

i Literally understand EXACTLY how u feel rn bc i did not get one last chance to shoot my shot at lulu guy bc he wasn’t here today ☹️ and i feel like . when someone shows that they might be a little into you i think it’s normal that we overthink it quite a lot ?? i think you might just wanna get to know him a bit better because like you said nothing rlly happened ,, and maybe ure disappointed that u think that u don’t rlly have a chance to get to know him better ??? (at least that is me with the lulu guy .. and i still don’t know his name LMFAOOOO) but i think it’s normal to want a reply or wanna talk more if someone leaves a rlly strong and lasting impression on you !! and maybe u want a reply cuz u want some sort of closure cuz it all ended sort of abruptly??? i don’t know exactly everything abt it but if i met some guy and we were kinda talking and it all stopped out of the blue i would want some sort of response to tell me to not keep having false hope ?? i think that’s better than being ghosted tbh ,,, like i’ll be sad for a bit but then it’s easier to get over it bc ure not waiting for anything else to happen ?? and if there was a response from him tbh i would make him wait (considering how long he made you wait) but i feel like it’s probably best to not hold out hope (IM SORRY IF THATS UPSETTING) but if he replies then great! and if he doesn’t then that’s okay cuz it’s his loss anyways <3

[dearwhateverthisis]

So heres the situation: that i sent to my father via FB message after a huge fight that left me an absolute wreck of tears and pain in my soul.

"i got up because i had to go to the bathroom. she was rolling away from me and i said mom u dont have to do clean in the study i said i was gonna do it today. yesterday immideatly after i turned inmy last final i came out and told her. she immidiatly had a whole list of things she wanted me to do. so i tried to make things stay calm so i threw all the trash and dishes and put a laod of laundry in my basket but i hadnt slept since or eatten since 3pm yester day and it was 1 pm the next day i put things in catagorie piles and got everything off the floor and evendid a few things in the bathroom. i told her i would vacumm and finish tommorrow wheni woke up but i was feeling tired and shakey. she didnt like that and said you where coming home and going to take the door off and clean. i saod no she doesnt have to ill do it when i wake up and i dont want you guys finding the christmas presents i havent wrapped yet. she just doesnt look at me and say 'well will see. dads coming home and taking the door off and he'll want it done' i said the same thing i said before. im tired, hungry im going to rest today and when i get up tommorow i will do it. finally she said okay just to placate me but i was so tired and over talking to her i just let it go. i showered and went to bed , cuz i wanted sleep more than food. so when i got up this morning and she was in there and ignored me several times when i was talking to her while walking away with me. she just kep saying 'go to bed. turn off the light.' im trying to talk to her, im trying to get her to understand. i want to keep the christmas things i picked out with tyna a suprise. i want you guys to have a good christmas. finally i say i need you to not go in there. if you go in there you will break my trust and things like that have consequences. i turn to leave and thats when she stops ignoring me. she says for you. consequences for you. she points at me i walk over to her. shes mad she starts telling me that the room is disqusting and i didnt clean enough yesterday and i let it get bad during finals and i said i finished school yesterday and i had to sleep. we talked about this remember when i get up ill clean. she rolls past me ignoring me saying move out. then move out get out. you can be terrible some where else. im so mad im trying to stay calm but mom when she feels like your disagreeing with her will say the first thing she knows will hurt you the most. i know i let my anxiety and depression make things hard not just for me but for everyone. i know i let me adhd get the better of me. i wish i could be better but some days im just trying to survive. I wish i could move out and give you both freedom from me. i want to have money to do those things for you. i know im a bad daughter. i try to be better but sometimes i just cant seem to get it across. when im with mom im reminded of just how bad i am. its like all the negative parts of me come to the surface and shes not afriad to tell me exactly what i am. but i dont need her to because i already know whats wrong with me. im sorry i woke you up this morning and ill try better in the future."

in a message where i showed a part of my inner soul that I almost never ever EVER show I say a few things.

my own mother has said vile and disgustinging things to me not for the first time

she went against her word to me not for the first time again

I have struggles with adhd, deppression and anxiety

I basically hate myself

my mother makes me understand why I hate myself and why others hsould

I apologize for basically being garbage

I wasn't in the wrong but I still apologized

well lets see what he had to say:

"Lots of issues up in the air. All families are broken. I don't have control of anything or anybody. I do my best to maintain good and reason. Push the negative about yourself away but actively be conscious to be better. The little things matter. The physical clutter in the places that you dwell send a message. Momma interprets the mess as disrespect. Respectful to her own mental struggles she will eventually explode. If you see Mommas Spirit as a little girl and you as a little girl then you can feel the compassion for the other. No perfection in this world. Look to the faith for dialog and answers. Ask hard questions. The good news is that there are glimpses of joy in the answers from Christ. It takes work and patience. You work hard at school but you have to also take time daily to physically organize the environment you share with others. Family will make you the angriest, but they are the people in life that mean the most. There is more to talk about. Thank God that I will have a few weeks off and a new baby is soon to arrive. Blessing counting dose me good. “To love is to will the good of another.” Summa Theologica. Thomas Aquinas 1273"

God what a low key general answer bunch of bullshit.

lets break it down.

"Lots of issues up in the air. All families are broken.:

how long can we live our lives with things up in the air. he's willing to heard directly that his wife is openly abusive to those around her for years and years and just go well its up in the air and were just like everyone else.

I don't have control of anything or anybody. I do my best to maintain good and reason. :

My fathers idea of good reason is sticking his head in the sand. you might not be able to control someone but you can help a situation. you can adult up and sit down with your wife and say hey you can be a real bitch and you shouldn't be because we and our daughter have bent over backwards to care for you.

------

a quick list of some things i have personally done for my mom that are above and beyond what any daughter especially an emotionally abused one should have to do for her abuser:

made excuses to family and friends for her drunken behaivior

lied and covered for her adictions

put her comfort before myown especially when I was younger

let people tell me exactly what I should be doing to make her better and then letting them talk down to me about ways to go about it and explain

be a mediator between her and my father and my sister

called 911 several times and handled that situation only to have her back track because who she is in front of other people isn't who she is with me. then I have several people blame me for over reacting.

trying to cover her strange behaiviors

trying to keep my family afloat and seem normal

handling her physical care several times throughout my life:from when she peed herself, fell, try and keep her from driving anywhere, physical care after her various hospital instancs

wiping her shit ass and vagina while she would laugh at me for being grossed out and emotionally upset for having to feel humiliated by doing that for someone who emotionally abused me my whole life

and the list can go on forever but those are some of the big ticket items from the last general 5 years.

----

Push the negative about yourself away but actively be conscious to be better. :

im working on being better im trying to be better mentally. I just told you that my mother basically called me disgusting and that is what you have to say! i basically told you that I hate myself and that's what you have to say!

The little things matter. The physical clutter in the places that you dwell send a message. Momma interprets the mess as disrespect. Respectful to her own mental struggles she will eventually explode:

i admit my adhd does get the better of me and I am more comfortable in messy surroundings than most but here's another message my surroundings say= I exist and live in only two small spaces. i eat, drink, live, explore my interests, have space to live and breath in these spaces. I have told my father many times that I only have a physical interaction time with my mother daily of about 15-30 minutes after that she becomes abusive and volatile. that time accounts for me just walking across the house to go to the garage or the fridge or even if she sees me walking into the bathroom. sometimes I even cut that time down to being seen by her 5-9 times.

If you see Mommas Spirit as a little girl and you as a little girl then you can feel the compassion for the other:

fuck you. absolutly fuck you. I dont know if that's some heal your inner child bullshit but that's not correct. my mother is a grown ass woman who acts like a spoiled child. I am a grown ass woman who is stuck in a shitty situation and cant escape. I am a grown woman who has lived with her abuser her whole life and is trying her best to not just live but be happy.

No perfection in this world. Look to the faith for dialog and answers. Ask hard questions. The good news is that there are glimpses of joy in the answers from Christ. It takes work and patience.:

i hate when people use faith as a catch all make it better. God gives us strength and guidance but he gave us free will. he wants us to look to him for faith and interpretation of how to live but unless we are doing the work and effort we arent going to accomplish anything.

uou work hard at school but you have to also take time daily to physically organize the environment you share with others. Family will make you the angriest, but they are the people in life that mean the most.

i dont want these nasty people to mean the most to me. I want to find new people. you cant use oh there family as an excuse that doesn't mean anything anymore. all it means is that people will judge you when you cut them out of your lives.

There is more to talk about. Thank God that I will have a few weeks off and a new baby is soon to arrive. Blessing counting dose me good. “To love is to will the good of another.” Summa Theologica. Thomas Aquinas 1273:

yeah there might be ore to talk about but your going to stick your head in the sand like always until it happens again and then ill get another one of these bull shit messages that will general solution fix messages with no action. then he concludes it all like a fucking email sign off with some bullshit religious quote.

anouther example of using religion to bandaid a bullet hole.

---------------------

ive always loved my dad for his kindness but I've also always known that he never will put me before my mother. in a way that makes him apart of the emotional abuse and toxic nature of my family.

i dont know if ill write more about this incident because I have a whole series of exchanges with my sister who can lowkey be just as clueless because she got out and doesn't have to deal with this shit any more.

i highly doubt my mother will apologise andif she does she wont mean It or it will be so generalized it will basically mean nothing and if i try to explain that to her she will gas light me and manipulate her words till its my fault again or im the total problem.

So in conclusion im so fucked and stuck here I have basically no hope.

so maybe im right maybe i am disgusting and worthy to be hated by myself and others and I should just accept that. any self value I've found in the last year was wrong and I need to just accept that I am worthy of hate and deserve now should expect anything more of my self and the world.

[kusundei]

chat^_^. i am kind. imsokind. i dont fucking care its okay^_^. how i wish i never told them bcuz why is this your business??????? i dont mind talking ab it but sharing it with other people and brhind my back?? maybe im a hypocrite and im evil but i dont need to hear you talking ab her inches away from me. something ab it just. sincerely pisses me off. like what do you know???? i dont care ab sav and ajax thats granted and they know and honestly i think i bring it up more than they do and its fine because ill talk ab it its just.? i truly only wanna talk ab that w them. i wish i didnt overshare at the time i always regret it??? and going out of ur way to interact w her and harass her??? idk chat. ayden was already pushing and i think the reason its making me so upset is just. what they say cuz they dont know. and then??? interacting w her??? following her and trying to comment,????? sharing it with pther people like what the fuck are you doing???? idk i think its just cuz its. them but its fine im okay.

if anything i thought. the tweet was abit? humorous? also cuz like what the helll . like ik what lyric ur talking ab u dont have to act like its only that part ur referring toooo ^_^ god forbid both of my exes would end up??? evil and.??? transphobic????? just oddd. im sorry i was emotional and i wasnt what you wantef and didnt dooo what you wanted i was just. being. vulnerable with you. comfortable enough to cry and be honest and im sorry i was always hurting???? truth be told iiii an honestly still the same way. i can definitely cope w it alot better but nooo i still bounce back and forth the same way j suppose. still sad most pf the time like i was before so idk. i was just rlly in a state back then^_^ but i swear im not always falling to bits (heh) ^_^. anyways nooo im kind. ill be fine its just a little bothersome. ill give her the benefit of the doubt and hope she didnt truly mean it like that. just odd because shes. talking ab me again. perchance ive?? enabled her??? i just hate that its alsooo. made ajax upset. oh to not have gotten him wrapped up in my shit i wish even now we had kept everything between the two of us but i was selfish because she was too??? but i was supposed to be MORE MATURE. if anything i just truly wish i had never told ethan. aleena if i had asked probably wouldve kept her mouth shut but no she. talked too much. same w kyle and alex i wish it just. stayed between me and everyone not everyone w everyone???? but its fine. im kind i dont know why shes at school today its a friday??? but its okay. i have bigger worse things to worry about . just hoping ill be fineee when i go home and ajax would be feeling better…… but its fineee its fine. i love savannah she keeps me sane in times of despair 💗

praying my mom stays kind because of yesterday. it seriously hurts likr alooot. kyle kept pushing on it and it hurt so bad ??? jot to mention hes just being evil again but im not letting it get to meee. i need to stop wearing this shirt he always … is more handsy when i do??? id put the cardigan back on but its making me evil. but yeah no its aching so bad and i wanna check the thing but im aftaid the bandaid wont be sticky anymore if i do and erm. wouldnt help. no because she was talking about like stitches??? i think it just looked really bad wuen it happened cuz after cleaning it it seemed fine. maybe cut through the first or second layer or whatever im still just shocked a chair did that to me. but oh well i think. if it truly went further it’d hurt alot more than it doesss. its just i can eee the putline of the blood jn the bandaid cuz it wouldjt stop bleeding but i wohldnt need stitches for this??????? im just gonna stop thinking ab it. i neeeed to lock in….. im being dramatic everything is fineee.

i am sooo. out of it? idk i woke up this morning just a little humored oddly enough but it is draining out of meee. i am so tired i genuinely contemplated just waiting so id miss my bus or something. im exhausted and im tweaking like physically but i guess im okay still??? my hand is aching even more today and its bruising around the sides but regardless its fineee. was gonna say ohhh i hope no one asks (someone is going to ask. sav probably) but its finee.

just feeling veryyy. exhausted today. like i wouldnt mind if i got hit by a car just now sorta thing. also just threw on whatever and called it a day and i also have that test and allll that other shit like ughhh. but its fine ill lock in. a little worried again but im sure he’ll be okay when he wakes up or something.. still pandering to my mom and praying kyle isnt here this morningg i dont feel like dealing w this today ^_^ but it is. okay. im filled with loveee. i think ^_^

[jwsflower]

Five

SYNOPSIS: You’ve been bestfriends and crushing on jungwon since middle school, but the day you planned to confess to him he never came to school. Later finding out that he had moved schools without telling you. Few year later when you had moved on you heard that theres a new student. You didnt think much of it, but...?

Pairing: Jungwon x fem!reader

Warnings: none that i can think of but lmk if there are any!!

It was 6am and you heard your alarm ringing.

“Ugh im not looking forward to school today at all, i have to ask Mr. Choi if i can switch groups with someone” you thought outloud.

When you were ready you texted the gc to ask who can pick u up.

15 minutes later you heard a beep outside and that was ur sign to walk ouside.

“Morningg sunny, tysm again for pick me up today” you smiled at him.

“Ofc its nothing Yn, do u wanna get some coffee before school??” he asked u

“Ohh yeah sure lets gooo” you replied

We both go into car and started to drive to Starbucks. You guys were driving in comfortable silence but then he spoke up.

“Hey, but are you okay after yesterday?”

“Yeah, im okay im atleast glad that chae and hoon explained themselves cuz i woulve been very upset if they lied to me.. “ you spoke up.

“Yeahh..” Sunoo dryly replied.

But little did you know that deep down Sunoo still thought that something was suspicious about both of them.

*time skip them already arriving at school cuz im lazy*

“Were heree” Sunoo spoke up brightly.

“Im not excited abt today at all, i have to ask mr. Choi to switch groups with someone else bc im not working with Jake.” you replied

“Good luck with that..” Sunoo laughed

“Thanks.. okay lets go to class now” you said that as you started walking into school.

When you walked into school you didnt expect seeing Yang Jungwon standing right next to your locker.

“You gotta be kidding me" you said under breath.

Before you could say anything Sunoo spoke up first. “ Ay Yang what are you doing here, Yn is not interested to talk to you rn. “

“Please I really want to explain myself and talk to her” he was basically begging.

But then you spoke up “ Jungwon i made it clear to you yesterday, give me time and maybe. just maybe im gonna give you a chance but please rn leave me alone”

“Okay, ill give you time just tell me when. Im gonna be waiting for you” he said that as he was walking away.

“Really yn? ur gonna give him a chance” Sunoo asked.

“I never heard him out, so maybe it wouldn't hurt hear what he has to say to me. And also im long moved from him so this isnt some pitying my crush thing. “ you replied

“Whatever you say Yn.. but now we should go to class” he pulled you by hand.

But deep down you thought, ‘ have i moved on tho ‘ you weren't too sure abt that part.

previous || masterlist || next

note: Okay hi, its been quite a white since i wrote a chapter (like 3 months). Honestly i wasnt busy or something, its just i didn't have any inspo for a long time and i just didnt want to write something confusing or dumb so i just took time off. From now on ill try posting whenever i can but i wont be doing 2-3 updates cuz i feel pressure so ill post whenever i feel like and try to not disappear again. Again Thank you if u read this and thank you for waiting.

Taglist: open! (send and ask tba)

Taglist: @hiqhkey @enhacolor @she-is-dreaming @lovienikitty @lauvvai @ch0ijiung @wonieleles @enhasengene @harperwasstaken1 @heartj4yn0 @lil-iva @yvesismywife @brokeprimogems

[cyberbullyinc]

ive been feeling so down today :( like i just want this feeling to be over i think its bc of what happened yesterday which update! one of the people at the school just texted me like nothing happened……. and i mean nothing happened i didnt make a big show or say anything i just left but i thought theyd just ghost me tbh lol and i thought i was feeling bad because i didnt have a job again for the millionth time this year, but i’m still sad after (apparently) still having a job, i mean what happened made me pretty sick and angry yesterday so i guess its understandable that i feel bad about the whole situation but i cant pinpoint what’s making me feel sad im just in a weird mood where i feel like i wanna cry but not really cuz i dont feel any tears coming u know what i mean? anyway…

[thisdreamplace]

Im sad nd m feeling hopeless byond woeds. i feel directionless , alone nd..... very upset about everything in my life

Like yesterday i tried to talk to my mum abt somethng that was bothering me nd instead, she gets so much madder like she has high bp and her bp went up from yelling the crud outa me, like the only explanation other than eiyoo is she got defensive nd felt i was being ungrateful, i mean everyone else in the family stays silent and dont step forward i feel abandoned sometimes like maybe they're secretly glad shes not mad at them? Im sick of feeling this way. Idk if u know this feeling? Im not talking abt her my mum but i mean abt life in general? One real reason my mum is harsh is cuz im not doing well in life, like im not going places i want to (not literal places like metaphoricaly) bcuz of fear and social anxiety that no one ariynd me has a teeny idea of what its like. So im aware that she wants the best for me cuz i understand the everyone is u cincepf a bit. Even then its been years of same things nd issues repeating with me. For example m feeling like im gonna crack one day and when i break forever i don't even want to pick up my pieces!

Im so happy to hear ur doing wonderfully. Nd a part of me felt angry at it for a short while lol honestly like how come things are effortlesly going for u as u say, why cant i how can i experience it too, even tho my inner place is a nightmare place 😆 not a dreamplace like urs. I actually lov ur blog nd you lol dont mind me im just throwing out my thoughts, nd I fully understand how things weren't easy for u in the beginning nd everything u say on ur blog. Wish i could be brave nd not in my mind only

💀 nightmare place

i feel sad that you feel so down because life seems like its against you and you're feeling hopeless. its truly the worst to be in that sort of mindset, and i truly know you can find your way out of it. i'm glad you felt safe throwing out your thoughts here.

the truth of the matter is... the law can be difficult in the way that you really have to be willing to take responsibility for yourself. you really have to be willing to stop feeling sorry for yourself. you really have to be the one to pick yourself up and say, "enough is enough, i cant live like this anymore — i have to do better for myself." the truth is you have to want it more than you want to stay in your comfort zone. because if you dont, your comfort zone will always be waiting to invite you back in. and you will always answer the call. i would know, i lived like that most of my life. because the old way of life is comforting, its what youve always known so it makes more sense to you. you rationalize it, "this is the way things have always been." well guess what. it doesnt have to be that way. but i cant make you change your mind. only you can take that leap of faith.

you have to be willing to change before anyone and anything else does. no more waiting for life to treat you better so that you can finally feel good, you have to feel better with or without the help of the 3D.

when you say it made you angry to see how i'm doing well, i understand. i used to be similar. success stories were bittersweet. i felt happy for the person, but upset that i couldnt relate. why was everyone else able to make the law work in weeks and yet it had been months for me, and things just didnt seem to work ? why me ? that's the way i used to think.

well one day you'll look back at this type of moment and it'll all make sense. you seriously cannot keep being the same person, thinking the same thoughts and same feelings you have for years, thinking you'll get a new result. it's the opposite of what the law teaches us to be true. you've got to change and i mean really change. you must let the old story die and let the new story become your life, entirely.

you can brush off my struggle easily, but realize this. everyday i wake up and make the conscious decision to wake up and have a beautiful experience. a month ago i literally hit rock bottom; everything in the 3D i cared about so much seemed to fall apart. and i had to face that and still find the strength to say, "you know what, fuck this — i can't keep living this way." without the help of the 3D i had to pick myself up everyday, even when i felt like crumbling. i had more than my fair share of crying all day, of feeling like my heart would literally come out because of how hard i cried. considering that maybe life isnt for me after all, and perhaps i would be better off ending it there. i didnt have anything in the external world to give me hope. i had to find hope within myself. i had to look at a world that made me feel so ugly and decide its actually a beautiful world, despite the illusion. i had to take the law seriously, i had to surrender to the teachings, i had to make the art of imagining a daily practice because i decided i deserve better. and only i can give that to myself. the world cannot provide me with anything i refuse to provide myself with — this is the basics of the law. and through persistence, through not giving up on myself on the hard days, i am now singing a much more beautiful song.

when you fully accept that 1) imagining creates reality and 2) you are the only cause for all you experience... it becomes difficult to not take this more seriously. because you know how whatever you are/have within, is your experience. but you have to surrender to those truths, its up to you. i'd recommend listening to the podcast 'feeling twisty' if you're interested in what i'm saying here. mike is really the one who's explanation of the law helped me learn the importance of taking responsibility for my inner world.

im rooting for you sweet, dream place. behind the illusion of the nightmare, a dream awaits. 💖

[jakeperalta]

Hi. So I was watching a Gilmore Girls marathon yesterday..they were on season 7. I am familiar with the show even if I haven't watched all of it. What's the deal with Marty lying about knowing Rory to his gf? I think she was also pretty good friends with her at that point..so what was she supposed to do in that situation when he acts like they never met? Did he do that because he still had a crush on Rory or something? And I think he also hates Logan cuz Rory rejected him and got with Logan..right? Is it ever even explained? I kinda get why Rory wouldn't say anything..cuz it might cause problems for Marty's relationship..like she would ask him why did he lie..but he was just never gonna tell her either..which is weird. Idk what I would do in the situation..but they agreed to go to dinner..then Logan tells her the truth..which didn't help..but his gf was more mad at Rory for not telling her? What happens after that? I will watch it eventually but I find the whole plotline weird. Season 7 just seemed a lot different..I guess cuz Lorelai and Chris were together..and the Luke and April drama..idk. I mean I think Lorelai and Chris sort of work..more as friends maybe than being in love and he doesnt fit in her life or town like Luke does..but parent weekend was kinda cute. I kinda missed it..did she just randomly elope with Chris cuz she wanted to with Luke before she slept with him? She is just impulsive..Rory said she would talk her out of it lol. Also why do people say Rory and Logans relationship is unhealthy? I mean I know their relationship started differently..but he told her he didnt want a gf first and then became a pretty good bf after..and maybe they are not thinking of season 7 anyway...but from what I saw..it is. Even when they disagree, they talk it out, she took care of him when he got hurt, the love rocket! But I get this is all in season 7...so I guess that's why people don't like him. Even still, it doesn't make sense to compare it to Jess cuz they were still more serious than her and Jess before that too. I think all the relationships including Lorelai have good and bad things too. Sorry this is long..but I just wanted to ask you about these and how you felt about season 7 in general compared to the rest of the show?

yeah season 7 is definitely a bit of a weird season and does have a slightly different feel because the sherman-palladinos don't write it. I do still like it (more than a lot of fans I think) but a lot of the choices the writers make are sort of confusing. the whole thing with marty feels like they're trying to dredge up the old rory/logan/marty triangle even though that was barely a thing to begin with. I can see why rory was in an awkward situation not really knowing whether to go along with pretending they didn't know each other. it also just sort of fizzles out like rory apologises to lucy and it turns out lucy and marty breakup anyway so it was a sort of pointless storyline.

I can kind of appreciate the reasoning behind lorelai and christopher because I think chris was always sort of lorelai's one that got away and it was only in giving their relationship a real shot that she realises they weren't meant to be. I do enjoy watching their dynamic but the thing that bugs me with them in s7 really is just the fact they elope without telling rory, it seems out of character considering lorelai wouldn't marry luke until her rift with rory was over because rory is too important to leave out of something like that.

I agree about rory and logan and I think that's one of the strengths of season 7, because the original plan was probably just to have logan go off to london and choose his family over rory and that be the end of them, but actually developing their relationship is a lot more interesting. obviously they're still not perfect but I think rory and logan in season 7 (up until the last couple of episodes 😬) are one of the healthiest relationships and best examples of good communication on the show!

[zoefandom127]

Uhhhh this title is def subject to change. I saw a comment for a drabble idea but ive been dreaming abt this for a while and i dont want to forget it so im gonna write this real quick

No Answer

"You stay here while we go inside to find the refugees. We'll radio you when we need transport from the inside."

John explained as he, Marcos, and Lauren jumped through the portal and into a dimly lit hallway. Rumors say that Sentinel Services have set up random stations all around the city, harboring troubled mutants who seek help and liberation. Though many are widely known, they are extremely hard to locate let alone infiltrate. But Sage, being the genius that she is, found one just on the outskirts of the city in a manner of hours.

This warehouse had a series of buildings surrounding it, one of the larger facilities in the system meaning more blind spots in the security. They were hidden in an alley between what looked to be a conference building and the east side of the main warehouse. After going through the blueprints of the warehouse, Clarice memorized every section and hall, every nook and cranny while Marcos, John, and Lauren memorized keypad codes and camera placements.

"Copy that."

John looked back at Clarice. "Be safe. Stay out of sight." Don't get caught. Don't die. Unspoken but so clearly heard.

"Right back at you." Clarice nodded back.

He wasn't too keen on leaving her alone but for the sake of the mission, he kept his mouth shut. Plus, he definitely didn't want to be on the end of Clarice's hard glare and cocked hip at the discussion that he "thinks she can't take of herself." The portal closed behind them and Marcos pulled a piece of paper out of his back pocket.

"Sage wrote down the directions. We take a left up here."

The group cautiously walked down a hallway and turned into a wider, main hall. Lauren placed bubbled air in front of cameras to blur the lenses, dropping them as soon as all three of them were not in view. They took another left and stopped in front of a large metal door labeled "Rfge Subjects". Lauren stepped up to enter the code, whispering the numbers under her breath before pushing them on the keypad. The door opened to reveal ten, maybe twelve, mutants ranging from ages 12-18, every one of them huddled in the farthest corner of the room. They kept their heads down and didn't make eye contact with Lauren and Marcos when they walked in, John standing outside the door to watch for Sentinel agents walking by.

Marcos flashed his hands in the dark room to make everything easier to see. The refugees perked up slightly when Marcos showed his abilities. Lauren walked up to one of the younger mutants with hands held up in front of her to show she meant no harm.

"Hi. We're from the Mutant Underground. We're going to get you all out of here." She looked around, addressing everyone.

The refugees looked at one another wearily.

Lauren tried again. "We're one of the good guys. I promise. We can explain later but right now we've got to go."

The 15-year-old, the one Lauren was trying to get through to first, stood and quickly walked over to Lauren's side of the room, looking back at the others and waving at them to join. One by one each refugee stood up to join one another. Lauren smiled down at the 15-year-old and nodded her head.

"John, we're all good here," Marcos spoke up.

John looked in to see if everything was okay before pulling a walkie-talkie from the waist of his jeans and pushing a button to call Clarice.

"Clare, we're done. Portal to room 118."

He released the button and waited but was met with static for a good 20 seconds.

"Clarice?" John's eyebrows knitted together as the tone in his voice changed to concern.

Marcos looked back at John's stiff posture. "What's going on?"

John waited a moment before answering, hoping Clarice would respond before he spoke.

"Something's wrong."

"Guy's what's happening? Why isn't the portal here yet." Lauren questioned, worriedly.

John placed the walkie back in his waistband in stiff movements. "I don't know but Clarice isn't answering. We gotta find another way out."

Marcos took out a paper with written directions to an exit in the south wing. If they opened any door without clearance an alarm would sound throughout the whole building and alert everyone in the building. So much for being discreet.

"Alright, let's go quickly." Marcos ushered everyone out of the room and into the hallway, Lauren already disorienting the cameras that could potentially see them.

"You guys go ahead without me," John spoke gruffly once the big metal door that held the mutants was closed. "I have to find Clarice."

Marcos simply nodded. There was no way he was stopping him. "Be careful."

With that, he and Lauren turned and led everyone down the opposite hall.

John ran down his intended hall, taking the rights, and left he memorized to take him to the side door of the east wing. Without anything to cover the cameras, he would surely be recognized so he had to move fast before people were sent to find him.

As soon as it was in sight, John busted through the east side door without hesitation. The alarm blared through the building loud and unyielding but he didn't care. He looked both ways of the alley before his eyes landed on Clarice with her back turned to him slumped on her knees in front of a figure dressed in a black and red trench coat. The figure had both hands just inches away from either side of Clarice's head. Their hands had red electrical beams coming from the palms and directed to Clarice's temples.

He rushed to her before he even knew his feet were moving. "Clarice!"

The figure looked up, alarmed, to see John and very quickly sunk into the ground. Gone.

John kneeled down in front of Clarice, cupping her face in his hands. Her face was tear-stained and her eyes were glassy. She kept staring ahead. It didn't even seem like she was aware of John's presence.

"I'm sorry. I-I'm so sorry," she whispered shakily, still looking past John's face ahead of her.

"Clarice?" John whispered to her, rocks dug into his knees but weren't registered.

On both temples, red-looking veins expanded from her hairline to her eyes and the apples of her cheeks.

"I didn't know. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."

John looked behind to see if he could find who she was speaking to. Nothing.

"Clarice," he brushed a tear just as it fell from her eyes. She was trembling, distraught. It was scary to see. "Clarice we've got to go."

No answer.

He could hear Sentinels and they're not too far. They needed to get out of there.

He stood up and hauled her up with him but her legs proved to not work as she slumped against him. Still, her gaze didn't move. John bent down to place an arm behind her legs and back, lifting her up against his chest. She shuddered and muttered more apologies, to who and for what, he had no idea.

John held her more firmly and brushed a gentle kiss against her hairline as he ran to find Marcos and the others.

there will be a part 2 just so y’all kno😂 i wrote 2 chapters yesterday so go check out the other one on fanfiction.net and ao3. Im prob gonna go back and edit this one l8r but i was really excited to write this! Call me out on any mistakes cuz u alr kno i didnt proofread!

[agoracactus]

Pt.4 - “I spent my lucky coin on this”

1. trying out new things for titles

2. changing ‘Dandelion’ to ‘Jaskier’ cuz i feel like it sounds better

3. and i dont know about u but im seeing weird spaces in the text after i posted the chapters, spaces that i didnt put in when i was writing. i tried deleting them but sometimes it doesnt let me so meh, if ur annoyed by these weird spaces im sorry, ane believe me i hate them as well

Pt.1  Pt.2  Pt.3

Pairing: Geralt of Rivia x reader

Word Count: 4069

Warnings: lack of proofread, language

Summary: yes i gave up summary cuz i cant. ENJOY!

§

Geralt opened his eyes.

It’s still very early in the morning, the sun was just about to come up- he usually wakes around this hour. When in the wild, he’d stoke the fire, add some branches to it, then go for a stroll. You usually wake up when he came back, then you two would have some simple breakfast in silence before heading for the road. When you two get to sleep  in a bed with a roof over your head, he’d let you sleep in a bit more.

He turned his head and looked at you. You were on your side and back towards him. He stared at it rising with your breathing. He just lay there, listening to your heartbeat. At some point, you turned and faced him, and he stared at your calm face. Then his gaze wandered and fell onto the shotgun.

He sat up, suddenly getting this slight irritation rising somewhere deep inside his stomach. He heard the sound of the town waking up outside, and decided that he’s probably just getting hungry.

Geralt was finishing his breakfast when Jaskier joined him.

“I thought you’d go home with someone you met at the wedding last night.” Geralt pushed the emptied bowl away. Jaskier waved at the innkeeper for bringing him a drink, “I wouldn’t dare to talk to any ladies with those brawny cousins on my heels all night.” “Hmm.” “And I was more concerned about you two. How was it?” “How was what?” “You and y/n! Was your feeling finally clear to you yesterday? By the power of love?” “ “How many times do I have to tell you there’s nothing going on between us?” “Please don’t tell me we’re still on that phase after all I’ve done for you.” “You have done nothing and there’s no need for you to do anything.” Jaskier opened his mouth, wanted to say more, then he noticed you coming this way.

“Good morning lovely bird! Did you sleep well?” he put on a smile. “Mornin’,” you said with a yawn, “I slept ok. You? Did you get any sleep? Or you spent all night with some other lovely bird?” you asked jokingly. “How- Wh- Geralt? Did you calumniate me? Behind my back?” “I didn’t say anything to her.” “Your reputation precedes you.” you winked at him. “The plague... I suppose it’s not a bad one.” Jaskier took a gulp from his tankard.

“Are you leaving today?” “I don’t think there’s any work for us here, so yes.” “I’m going to join you, can we leave later? I want to visit some ladies before we go.” “Ladies?” you were puzzled. “The brothel.” Jaskier said, took out his heavy purse, “I got paid very well yesterday!” “Oh!” you gave a knowing nod. “And I was thinking about taking Geralt with me! No offense y/n, I don’t mean to exclude you from the group but-” “None taken! Guys need some guy time right? It’s about time Geralt has some fun.” you thanked the innkeeper for bringing you breakfast.

“You don’t mind?” Jaskier looked at you like his eyes were going to bulge out. “No of course not! I was actually started to get worried that he’s not getting laid enough! He needs to loosen up a bit.” Jaskier nervously gave Geralt a quick glace, whose face was gloomed like the sky before a thunderstorm. “I’ll just go check out the market, and I’ll meet you back here once you’re done.” you gave both of them a smile and started eating.

§

“I don’t understand!” Jaskier was genuinely confused on their way to the brothel, “I thought she felt the same!” “...” the irritation in Geralt’s stomach didn’t seem to go away after eating. “But she really seemed fine with you going to the brothel...I don’t understand, how can I be wrong?” “We all make mistakes sometimes.” Geralt said coldly, with a bitter undertone.

“Well my friend, I say let’s just enjoy our morning without thinking about these difficult questions eh?” Jaskier pushed open the front door of the local brothel. A well-dressed woman who appeared to be the madam of this place came up to greet them. Jaskier adaptly announced their purpose. The madam led them in and showed them the girls who were available. Jaskier slightly nudged Geralt with his elbow, “Hey, that one over there.” he pointed with his chin, “Doesn’t she looks like y/n?” Geralt grimaced, ”Don’t take this too far, my friend. Or you can forget about traveling with us.” Jaskier put up his hands and took a step back, while Geralt went straight towards a girl who had no resemblance to you.

The girl glanced at the little coin pouch on Geralt’s waist- which seemed heavy- put on her most charming smile, took him by the hand and led him to her room.

She sat him down on the bed, finger teasingly brushed over his shoulder, and moved down, gently pushed his legs apart. “How would you like to do this, sweetheart?” Geralt stared at her for a little bit, sighed, pulled out some coins and stuffed them into her palm, “Just keep the room occupied for a while after I’m gone.” the girl shrugged and sat onto the bed, watching him walked out of the room.

§

He found you in the market, spotted you in the crowds, you were talking to a merchant. He could tell by your gesture and facial expression that you were annoyed.

He pushed through the crowd to move towards you. Just when he’s about to reach you, you finished your purchase and turned to his direction. You were looking down at what you just bought, weren’t paying attention to where you were going and you walked right into him.

“Oh! Excuse m- Geralt?” you were surprised to see him, “You finished? Already?” you said with a concerned look on your face. “...No, I didn’t go.” Somehow he felt insulted. “Oh.” “Everything alright?” “Oh yeah, it’s fine. He wanted more for this piece of shit and I refused to be a doofus, so we kind of had an argument there. It’s all settled now.” “I saw your hand reaching for the gun.” “I wasn’t going to kill him! Just maybe scare him a bit? I just wanna establish power, you know how women’s opinion doesn't matter in this era.” “I doubt he would be scared since no one knows what a gun is.” “Fine, maybe I’ll shoot him in his knee cap. IF! He took this too far and insulted me. This doesn't worth me being a murderer in broad daylight with dozens of witnesses.” you held up the thing you bought.

It was a brooch, made with some kind of cheap metal. It’s round and in the middle, there’s something which appeared to be a bird, with a fake green gem as its eye.

“You almost hurt someone for this?” he raised his eyebrows. “Actually...I bought this for you.” you said awkwardly. “Me?” “-Well, not really for you but it’s for you?” you tried to explain this without sounding stupid or crazy, “It just reminded me of someone you would possibly meet in the future... And I- God why am I explaining this- It’s a present, ok? For you. Just take it. I spent my lucky coin on this. So you better take it.” “What?” Geralt frowned, he gently pushed you aside and walked towards the merchant.

“Wait no-” you grabbed his arm, “Where are you going?” “Getting your coin back.” he took back his arm and continued walking. “Jesus Christ! Stop!” you stopped him again, and sighed, “I lied! Ok? I didn’t spend my lucky coin! Look it’s still here!” you scrambled to reach inside your pocket and took out the coin. “...Why did you lie?” “...So you will maybe feel bad and accept the present? That was stupid...I’m sorry, ok? Now can you please take this?” you held up the brooch. He looked at it, didn’t say a word. After what felt like a century, he picked up the brooch. “Thank you.” You heard his voice, but when you looked up in surprise he’s already walking away.

§

“Watch out!” you shouted as the griffin took off and skimmed over the top of your head, you docked just in time before the giant pair of wings knocked you over. “Y/n!” Jaskier behind one of the rocks shouted in worry. “I’m fine!” you shouted back, aimed the rifle towards the sky and looked through the scope. You waited till its head popped up in the view, then pulled the trigger.

The bullet hit its wing.

“Fuck!”

It screaked and fell into the woods.

“That was impressive!” Jaskier ran to you and helped you get up. You swung the rifle over your shoulder, readied the shotgun, “I was aiming for the head!” you grunted in annoyance, quickly followed Geralt further into the woods.

The griffin fell into a clearing. It quickly got up and swayed its wings around, making loud screaks to warn its attacker. Geralt swiftly turned his body to avoid the attack and quickly wielded his sword to fight back. You and Jaskier hid behind a tree, watching Geralt fight this monster in elegance. You love watching him fight- now that he’s ok with it. It’s like waltz without a partner and it’s beautiful.

In the next moment, the griffin tried to fly again. It flapped its wings but stumbled to the ground, right towards your way. The two of you jumped out of the way. You tripped on the tree root and fell to the ground. You quickly twisted your body to lay on your back, aimed the shotgun at the griffin and fired.

It screaked again, swung its wing towards you.

You rolled aside, the wing grazed your shoulder. You fired again.

Geralt jumped in the air, cut straight towards its head- those giant wings flapped, then fell upon you.

“Y/n!” Jaskier quickly ran to you. Geralt sheathed his sword to lift up the wing, helping Jaskier pulling you out. “Are you alright?” “Yeah... It’s dead?” “Yes.” Geralt glanced at your shoulder. “Here, I’ll help you with that.” Jaskier led you aside and sat you down against the tree.

You unbuttoned two buttons from the top, giving access to your wounded shoulder. “This will hurt a bit ok?” Jaskier warned you before pressing a cloth against the wound. You hissed. “You were lucky.” Geralt said while cutting off the griffin’s head. “I am! Thanks to my coin.” “This is not a joke, y/n.” “And I’m not joking! ...Come on, you can’t possibly warn me all the danger of monster hunting now. It’s a bit too late- ” you took another sharp breath in.

“Those weapons you used, it’s amazing. A little too striking in my opinion, but very effective.” Jaskier took out some ointment from his bag. “Yeah, I suppose having a gun in this world can be quite an advantage.”

You told Jaskier where you were from the second night you traveled together. He accepted it quite easily- somewhat too easily. You supposed that he’s either very openminded or just treating it as a fairytale.

“This world you’re from, what’s it like?” Jaskier carefully applying the ointment to your shoulder. You felt the cooling effect easing the pain, “It’s very different from this world.” “Different how?” “First of all, we don’t have monsters. There are monstrous people who don’t deserve to be human, but no actual monsters like griffins.” “Oh?” “And we don’t have magic, or other races like elves or halflings, the only ‘races’ we got are people of different skin colors. Maybe they do exist, but I’ve never heard of them. And trust me, information can spread very wide and fast in my world.”

“I suppose a world without monsters and magic can be rather dull.” “Well not really? Technology itself is quite interesting. We have the internet. Which is pretty magical to me. Information can travel to the other side of the world in the blink of an eye. Not to mention talking to someone far far away, even in space.” “I’ve never heard of this ‘net’ you’re talking about but that sounds like one of those crystal devices the mages use.” “Yes but not everyone can have access to those crystals. I guess you can think of technology as magic that anyone can use, you don’t have to go through difficult training to learn how to use it.” “Hmm, interesting... Hey do you think you can let me try out one of your guns?” “Sure-” “No.” Geralt put the head on his hook, “It’s too dangerous.” “But-” “Let’s head back, y/n needs a healer.” Geralt interrupted Jaskier. “No I don’t-” “Quit arguing. I’m too tired for this.”

You and Jaskier followed Geralt out of the woods, sulking like two little kids got scolded.

§

The alderman who gave you the contract was so grateful for you taking care of the griffin that has been terrorizing the area for months, that he held a grand dinner party on the square.

A giant bonfire was set in the center, tables were set around the square, music accompanying the drunken laughter. The alderman made a toast to the witcher and his companions, promising the witcher he would always receive a warm welcome in this town.

You were getting sleepy- from having to drink some strong ale when the alderman made the toast, plus the food inside your stomach- sitting at the table, watching people dance in the blurry, orangy hue of the bonfire. Jaskier was flirting with two women, they were giggling at some stupid joke he said. You turned to talk to Geralt, wanted to make a bet about who’s going to get Jaskier in their bed tonight. But instead, you caught a woman staring right at him. She quickly turned her gaze away when you noticed her.

You nudged the witcher who’s focusing on getting more food down his belly.

“Hey, the girl over there? I think you should go talk to her.” you pointed in her direction with your chin. He turned to look at the young woman with dark hair. She was glancing over here, again, gaze bumped into Geralt’s right when he was looking. She blushed, then turned away.

“Why?” “Well, she might be interested in the griffin slaying story.” you shrugged. He looked again, she’s sipping on her drink, nodding to what her friend just said. “Well, just saying.” you stood up. “Where are you going?” “To bed, I’m going to sleep.” you gave him a smile, walked towards the alderman’s house where he provided you rooms for the night.

§

You heard the sound of the lute, disturbing you from your sleep. You groaned. It’s still early for your body to fully wake up.

You opened your eyes.

“Morning sunshine!” Jaskier sat by the bed, stroke his lute for another melody. “...Jaskier?...What are you doing in my room?” “Well technically, this is my room.” “...What?” you looked around, realized that this was not the room you put your bag in last night before the party. You must have opened the wrong door with the dim light in the hallway last night. “...Oh I’m sorry Jaskier...You should have woken me up...” “No worries! I spent the night with two lovely ladies last night at one of their houses.” You raised your brows, “Good for you.”

He grinned, “Care to join me for breakfast? I’d love to discuss more about last night but right now I have something rather important to ask you.” “...What is it?” you sat up, rubbing your eyes trying to wake yourself up. “Well, I might have told the ladies a little bit about you yesterday- specifically your world and your fascinating weapons-” “You what?” “I know! I know! I’m sorry!” he jumped up, “But they really want to see these guns I was talking about! They don’t quite believe what I told them.” “Oh Jaskier...” you sighed. “Also I really want to try out those guns, Geralt hasn’t been up yet, we still have some time before he ruins our fun?”

“...” you looked at him, his eyes were shiny like a little puppy’s. You sighed again, “Fine... -Only if! You buy me breakfast.” you stopped him before he could jump on bed and hug you, “And I want a fancy breakfast!” “You have yourself a great deal m’ lady!” he did a fancy bow, “I shall inform the ladies about this good news! I’ll meet you downstairs!” he walked out of the door.

You sat on the bed for a little while, so your brain can fully function. Then you rubbed your face, gave yourself a slight slap, stood up and went to the room you shared with Geralt. You gave a slight knock on the door before opening it. You heard some shuffle while you were walking in. Then you saw two naked bodies.

You quickly turned your back to them- “Oh Jesu- God! I’m sorry! I didn’t see anything!” you heard more shuffle. “I’m just gonna- I need my bag! Sorry!” you used your hand to cover the sight of the bed, and quickly walked beside it to get your backpack. “I’m not looking! Sorry! Just gonna get this real quick- Ooh! Nice ass, lady! Good job!” “Get out, y/n.” Geralt said with annoyance, his voice was hoarse. You couldn’t tell if it was from sleep or sex.

You felt a clench in your abdomen.

You picked up the bag and held it in your arms, “Sorry again!” quickly ran out of the door.

“Y/n? What happened?” seeing you ran downstairs holding your bag, Jaskier immediately broke his chit chat with the two girls and came towards you. “Nothing!” you shrugged. “You looked...upset.” “Oh, I”m just tired... You know what? Breakfast can wait, let’s go shoot some birds before Geralt gets up and stops us. I could use some fresh air to wake my brain.” “Good idea! Ladies! Let’s go check out these maleficent creations of men!” he turned to the two girls, held them each by the waist, and walked out the door with them.

§

You were strapping your bags onto Bob while Geralt doing his on Roach. You both didn’t say anything to each other, and it’s supposed to be a normal thing- at least you tried to tell yourself that it’s normal. But you couldn’t shake the feeling of awkwardness, you couldn’t even look his way.

“I’d say we don’t need anything like him.” you were checking on your supplies when you heard someone not far away from you. You turned to look, it was a man talking to a small group.

“Their kind? They always bring bad news. Monsters, curses, death? How do we know it’s not them who brought these to us?” The man wasn’t exactly speaking in a low voice, and his volume was raising as he got more excited seeing people nodding in agreement, “They are not exactly human, are they? And! They dare to ask us for gold! We were supposed to be protected! Weren’t they created to help us living in peace?”

Some noticed you staring, and turned their head away as if they knew it was wrong to accuse someone who just saved the whole town. Some started to walk away. Upon seeing his audience left, he raised his voice even more and continued his speech-

“I KNOW RIGHT?”

You said in a rather loud voice. People looked towards you in surprise, even Geralt gave you a side eye. But you were facing your horse, not looking at anyone.

“Going through difficult- impossible! training to become this incredible being they are? Pfff- how could people with such little minds like us possibly understand the hardship they've been through? And how dare they asking for a reward for protecting us good folks? It’s their job to risk their lives defending us from all the evil so we can live our short mundane life and make absolutely no contribution to our society!”

“Excuse me?” the man- who’s now confused with the tone you were speaking in while feeling offended- took a step towards you. Geralt, whose back was towards you, stopped whatever he was doing and tensed up slightly, preparing for what might go down- he’s not entirely sure which party he should stop if something happened.

“Oh! Kind sir!” you turned to look at the man with sincere surprise written all over your face, “Was I being too loud? I am terribly sorry sir, it’s the downside of traveling too much without proper social interaction. I tend to talk too loud. But you see, I’m just trying to make a point to my little fella here, I’m sure you can understand.” you gestured towards Bob, “You know them, they are all pretentious, selfish, narrow-minded beings, who just need a good lecture from time to time to remind them they are not as important as they think they are.” you rolled your eyes with a scoff at your horse, “My apologies for disturbing your afternoon, noble sir. We are going to finish up here real quick and continue our grand adventure of being heroes! Good day to you!” you said with a bright, innocent smile, led Bob by the rein and walked away from them.

“Oh! We are leaving already?” Jaskier popped out of nowhere with his lute on his back, “What did I miss?” he curiously looked at the man who’s angrily staring at your back but didn’t know how to deal with what just happened. Then looked at Geralt, who’s trying very hard not to laugh out loud. Geralt cleared his throat to calm himself, “...Nothing, we should go now.”

He quickly caught up on you. You were waiting, sitting on the grey stellion by the town’s gate.

“...You didn’t have to do that.” Geralt was on Roach’s back, he gave a slight pat on her neck. “I know.” you huffed, “But I can.” you gave him a smirk.

He shook his head, with a smile at the corner of his lip.