#i didnt realize people would be worried but i get it so im clarifying in this post that im fine

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Gonna write my will soon (I'm fine it's just good to be prepared!!) does anyone want to be added. Lmk what you want

[pizzapizzadickz]

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[narukouzumakinamikaze]

I have detailed thoughts on Infinite darkness. disclaimer, these are first viewing thoughts, and also spoilers. like I said before, it wasn't bad, and you could tell what they wanted to do, but the series was rushed. we needed at least 6 more episodes of this series, and if not, at least those four episodes could have been stretched to an hour.

first, lets talk about claire. why was she in this series? he investigation was irrelevant the entire time. and its crazy because you know how they wanted Claire's investigation to matter, but the way they did it made it irrelevant to the plot. Claire being susipcious about the zombie's in penamstan makes sense, her wanting to investigate it works. but instead of using that investigation to flesh out jason and wilson, they instead jut made her find one dead person and then she was kidnapped.. instead of claire being kindapped, why not show us what it was jason did, show us what it is jason was doing for wilson, show is the firt troop that killed themselves and how quickly the others followed until jason was the only one left. have claire sneak in to wilsons lab where all the BOWs where and then have her be captured there, because it makes her active in the plot and it actually develops jason and wilson as characters

Jason... I'm not fully sure what Jason wanted to do. He said he wanted the world to know terror, and in order to do that he would expose the fact that the government are making bio weapons. Okay cool, weird wording aside, if i knew the world was making bio weapons i would be terrified. I'm guessing the knowledge would cause mass panic but that's understandable, but I don't think that panic would cause mass destruction or anything and would subside after a while. but Leon said Jason wants the world to burn, but Jason himself doesn't seem to want the world to burn, he just wants to expose the government. Leon made it seem like the attack on China where Shen Mei's family died was jasons doing, but how was that jasons doing??? Did Jason bomb them? And does Jason want to infect people? Or did he want people to panic and spread chaos? I don't know what he wanted to do or what he wanted to happen after exposing himself and they never actually clarified what his intentions even was besides exposing the government. They had Leon make it seem like it went much deeper, but nothing showed that it went aby deeper.

Which then goes in to jasons background. What was it that made him the hero of penamstan? Did I miss that or was it just a title that Wilson gave him? What was his relationship with his troops like? What types of missions did he do for Wilson? they kept showing that one flashback as if that flashback gave clarification or fleshed out anything. How did he cope with his infection and the inhibitors? why not flesh that out more to show us just how conniving Wilson is and give us more about Jason and his motivation on wanting to expose everything. this would have worked in tandem with claires investigation

And then we get his transformation... why did Jason kill Shen Mei?? Also, if he wanted to expose himself why did he go underground where Wilson was, instead of turning in front of the press, when he knew where they were.. his conflict with Leon also was pointless and didn't add anything to the story. like, it wasn't like the two's conflicting ideals was fleshed out. hell, we don't even know why Leon was so against exposing the government in the first place. Leon never once gave the impression that he cared about what happened or that he had his own plans to expose everything. he was just like, cool story, you still went against the government, and that was it. as if that was the most important thing to worry about. he never even expressed sympathy or expressed that they could do it another way. he just wanted to stop jason and thats it

Moving on to Shen Mei.. why did they not develop her. Yes we know she wants to expose Wilson for what he did to her brother, but that plotline could have been fleshed out. Jun See's condition is new to the series, why not flesh that out. Instead of Shen Mei wanting to expose Wilson, why not also have her want to look for a cure. Its weird that her only motivation was exposing Wilson. Why not steal the inhibitors and have her grandfather use his money to find a cure? Wouldn't that have made more sense than whatever it is they was doing? She could do more than one thing at a time. Also, her death was stupid, she didnt need to die. Shen Mei honesty felt like character that didn't need to be there, but her story was somewhat interesting it just wasn't given any focus. Almost like it was an afterthought.

also that chip situation, did they just think of it when they were on the submarine?. like, when did they realize that the chip could expose wilson? because if they had it the entire time, why did they never use it. i'm confused about that. and why did jason not want to use the chip anymore? why couldn't he use the chip and then use himself as a demonstration.

speaking of that again, when did jason decide he didn't want to use the inhibitors anymore? how come he couldn't use the chip and expose himself. did he end up going crazy? like, im confused at the decision to transform and the decision to not use the chip.

and lastly, there's Leon. did he not learn anything after Ben in re2 remake? it's almost like he wants to keep everything hidden and there's no explanation as to why he wants to keep it all hidden. is he really that Pro government? he says he will stop everything, but we know that's a lie because we know he lets Ada escape with the Plaga sample before this and he did nothing to stop her. there's no reason why Leon would not let Claire expose the government, because there's no reason why leon would not want everything to be exposed. they never gave a reason in infinite darkness and its never fleshed out in the games or the other movies, so it comes off as Leon just wanting to keep everything hidden to not make the government look bad and to do everything on his own, despite the fact that he let a sample go before the events of infinite darkness.

[p1nkwitch]

Hi! I really like all the afterlife fanfics you wrote could you give me director's cut for them?

Since i went off about chapter 3 in another ask i will explain chapter 1 and 2 instead.

So here is the thing, inspired by a fanart yes.

Chapter 1 breaks the mold because its from Peter’s perspective while the other two are from Jonah. This one is to establish his afterlife, how by all means its mostly perfect, by him being alone in the apartment, being able to do his own things. But ultimately its about waiting.

Peter always leaves beceause of the lonely, always runs away, but now he doesnt have that, he doesnt have that blanket to fall into, and like i put there without forsaken he is left truly alone.

He was undicted into it since a child, children need emotional support, the lonely made everything muffled enought that he didnt need to deal with it in big doses. Thats why he admits to have mood swings, he is strggling with his emotions now that he can feel them to the fullest.

When i made this i decided to make waiting a plot point in all of them, just like the beach. Elias or Peter need to wait. They need to stay, they have to choose to stay and wait for the other, like they didnt in life. They need it to grow.

Peter goes through the story slowly realizing the empty spaces that Elias ocupied in his life and feels dread at it. Because despite their many issues he does truly care for him. Enought to die for him even. So he has to grapple with that, its not until he finally comes to the conclusion that he misses him and wants him back at the beach house that Jonah is able to be seen.

Peter doesnt want to think that Elias might be the one this time to leave him, that its not him doing the running away but the man instead.

The ice cream, it starts to slowly taste like things that Elias likes because even if he doesnt say it he misses him. The rings and clothes, the more Peter wants Elias back, the more oportunities appear to include him in his life this time, but because he is choosing to do it. Peter is making the choice to prepare for him because he wants to.

But of course he gives a step back and thinks its merely a pattern, that its not real. The world provides the glasses and books to make him connect them more. The moment they both admit that they miss each other is when the storm happens and Jonah comes back.

Something i did not clarifie, but despite not seeming that long of a time, the reality where Jonah was? He spent far longer than he ever tells Peter, he had to really think things through, but eventually htere was so much he could do there alone. So he is sent to Peter. He cant leave the beach and go into town like the other until he is done working himself out and recognizing his wrong doings.  Jonah wont be forgiven, everyone has the right to deny him that, but he has to start by feeling bad about it to get better.

Something i ended up changing because i was not sure if i was right to add it was that i was thinking of transJonah, its why he was mildly uncomfortable most of the time with Peter watching him since he never mentioned it to him. I did not clarify it, but i left it sort of ambiguous because i didnt want to scrap it completely. Peter of course does not care one bit, as he said as long as its Jonah he doesnt care about the body itself. Most of my Jonah’s in this fic play into that, but im not sure if i would do it right so i end up backtracking.

Chapter two!!! I wrote chapter 1 and two back to back, this was originally the first chapter, but i was not sure if people would like the monster Jonah so i switched it to the second one. Its funny because that one was a lot of peoples favourite.

I like writing horror in weird doses, and i have a lot of opinions regarding several of Jonahs choices.

Changing faces, pretending to be what you are not and make people doubt what they know? Stranger, Spiral and Web.

Jonah changed so many faces through the years, so many masks to play to keep his game going that in his afterlife that became  his reality. A lesson.

Short and simple horror, to discover you are not what you think, to repeat it over and over in a cycle starting again from the beggining. I have a short blurb of something like that and got inspired by it. To slowly deteriorate until you cant reconiza yourself in the mirror.

Jonah has an image he likes to project so to get that stolen from him, leaving him with nothing? It destroys him.

He leaves when he rejects knowing, because everything he has ever done is that!! It was the point, to finally stop worrying about it. Forgetting of course was a way to keep himself safe from his own pain.

I wanted him to be alone and paint a particular background of nothingness.

Something i ended up sort of leaving.... again! Due to me not being sure if i would do it right was him slowly starting to lose his self, there are some left overs that remained, he becomes They in some parts. it was going to become more obvious the way he spoke about himself the more he advanced. i regret it now because i really liked it!!! I was just being hard on myself for nothing. Im happy i left some of it, like i did with the first chapeter.

The lighthouse, the house and Peter.

Peter did not realize at first, he just gave it to him on a whim, tired of waiting for his little Siren. As i said, waiting and stayin is the main point.

My favourite part of the entire chapter is Peter asking when will he be done pretending. It sort of got me too while writing it for some reason. I wanted it to be more... impactful but i think it came out perfect as it was. Its like being in a dream but suddenly you are told you need to wake up and it feels like a slap to the face.

Thats the feeling i was aiming for there.

Jonah gets slapped with the reality of the situation that he had been avoiding.

Final thoughs are, Peter doesnt care how he looks!!! They wil stay there for as long as they want. With Simon who can come and go as he pleases.

The cats will come to them eventually, i wont be cruel to let them be forgotten.

And if im honest? I like the idea more that he doesnt recover his face. He cant, he doesnt know who he is anymore. But is happy anyways with Peter to keep him company now.

Ok i really went off here!! If anyone has any other doubt or wants to know something of another fic!! Ask away

[13lambs]

10/2/2020

writing this down so i dont forget and talk to my therapist about this.

a friend of mine is managing a project. we had a meeting. i took notes upon being requested. the meeting was unorganized and frustrating to take notes for as it was not structured i tried my best. i told my friend that friend needs to be more organized. though upon reflection i may have come off too strong. i get very excitable when talking about things im passionate about - such as project management. friend didnt like that. i tried explaining that having a bulleted list of topics before the meeting would be helpful, bc then you have an idea of what the meeting will be about rather than trying to figure out everything on the spot. friend said that friend was running 80% of the project, implying that being unorganized is a result of that. i said that i was running 100% of my own project. friend didnt like that, said that friend is not me. i told friend that if they were overwhelmed they could quit managing the project.

friend then ranted about how no one else in the project was helping or contributing. i concurred with the sentiment. i said that people need to be delegated tasks because they wont do anything otherwise. friend got angry and said they already knew and i didnt have to tell them. i replied saying i was just sharing my own experience. they replied that they had their own experiences. the tone was aggressive. i was confused.

i clarified myself saying i wasnt trying to imply anything and was just talking. friend replied they were replying in the same aggressive manner. i tried to further explain myself saying i was just trying to give my own perspective bc i understood them (though i didnt word it exactly like that as at this point i ws under duress). i then stated that i was confused. friend said its okay though in the same angry or annoyed tone. i said i was going to leave, friend said me to. we both left the video call.

this happened thursday. i am still confused as to what happened. another friend was there (friendA) and said my tone came off like i was insinuating something and that maybe friend’a pride was hurt bc i am better at managing projects and trying to give advice. friendA is probably correct. as friend is in older than me and more experienced in general, however, i feel as though i did nothing wrong in offering constructive criticism about an area they are weak in that i am strong in. 

i still feel uncomfortable and am unsure if this may be a dealbreaker for friend, esp if the underlying tension remains. i dont know what to do. i am leaving friend alone. and i will not be contacting friend as to not be annoying or a burden. i am bad at making and keeping friends. i am difficult to be around, but i make this known from the beginning that my autism makes me socially inept and lacking tact. i try my best, but often do not realize what i have done wrong until later pointed out to me or later with strenuous self reflection. i feel like im a burden on society. 

tw suicide

i feel like i should kill myself bc i am so worthless. but i know it is bc i am upset. i always want to kill myself when im upset. its pathetic. no its just my brain and trauma. i should not talk to myself like that it doesnt help. i still feel this way though. i have therapy oct 5 and will be discussing this. i dont know if anyone reads this, but i hope so. its nice to be heard and seen at least a little once in a while. if someone is reading this thank you for reading and please do not worry about me. i am medicated and in therapy. i will be okay.

[clareguilty]

I’m just trying to clarify something, so I apologize if this offends. How would Bernie get the money to give everyone 2,000 a month base income? Taxes? Wouldn’t that raise taxes a shit ton? Some people also don’t want to work and just want hand outs from the government to live. Just my thoughts tho.

So i get that not everyone supports universal basic income, but i also think that since our government is supposed to protect and enforce our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (not my words, some other guy wrote those down a while ago) there are some pretty clear cases where government assistance is vital and necessary. Until we can eliminate poverty, things like welfare, food stamps, disability, and social security are the only things keeping thousands of Americans from starvation.

Bernie’s current proposal of $2000 a month is specifically per adult through the end of this crisis. We need to ensure that americans can survive this pandemic, and the best way to do that is to put cash in their hands so they can feed themselves and their kids and pay for healthcare.

How will we pay for this? Well, the government recently just spent 1.5 TRILLION dollars to bail out wall street. Theyre considering putting another 50 BILLION into the airlines. A few senators just dumped their stocks because they realized poor people were dying so im sure theres another few billion floating around in there somewhere. This money would be better off in the hands of consumers who can actually spend it and not a bunch of shareholders building virus bunkers.

Money is not like rice. If it’s sitting in an investment account doing nothing, then its not helping anyone. Money needs to be constantly moving through the market, changing hands and paying for things like food and services.

And your comment about some people not wanting to work? Im assuming you follow me for a reason. Maybe its the writing that i do? Which is free, and I do it largely for my own enjoyment and because i want to share with others. Not everyone is motivated solely by money. Are you going to pay for the countless hours i spend writing and editing so I can share my work with others? If people didnt have to worry about paychecks and insurance and childcare, simply imagine what amazing things they could do. Imagine more fics and more art and more games to play. Imagine how much more enjoyable the world would be if people could live and work through passion rather than wage-slavery.

I’m assuming youre the same person who has been sending other political asks, and im happy to answer your questions, but im starting to wonder if your intentions are kind. Your tone seems to imply that you dont care for others, and i think you may need to reflect a bit on your own beliefs. I know where i stand, and I’m happy to help, but ultimately this is a fanfic blog bud

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

1/ti/fi anon, thanks for ur reply. to clarify on 1+6, by smoothing things i mean making an active effort to resolve matters by saying sthing that is opposite of what i think is true, which i wont do. but i am fine not saying anything so as not to create or exacerbate a conflict. to illustrate, recently a friend vented at me+my isfj friend about someone she was mad at. from her words it was obvious she was misunderstanding the other person. i didnt point it out right then bc she would feel worse.

2/but tho i knew she wanted to have someone be mad with her/validate her feelings, i couldnt bring myself to dogpile on the other person when he’d done nothing wrong (which she realized few days later). so i said something neutral/noncommital like “im sorry ur having a hard day” technically true and i took care of her chores instead to help but withheld the entirety of my opinion. like i wont actively contradict if the situation calls, but i disengage/deflect instead of saying what isnt right.

3/my isfj friend joined her in anger tho she later told me she had no strong feelings but the other person was a stranger so he didnt matter, her priority was supporting her friend. i dont think shes wrong, and this was a very minor matter in the grand scheme. but even if im never going to meet this person it feels unfair to him and i cant help but wonder, if my friend had felt validated enough to take the argument with him further it would have caused needless strife.

4/re: se, i did consider it, worrying about potential bias in my typing. i test as INxP, but i know its bc i answer “yes” to qs on whether other peoples feelings matter and ofc u cant be a thinker unless ur a misanthropic edgelord. i ruled out judging; while im organised at work, i struggle with decisions and detest planning in advance. my first q was whether the N typing was right. i like adventure sports tho my lifestyle is sedentary. i love tinkering with things to see how they work #TOOLS.

5/but ur old post that resonated was how often im frustrated with the real world for not living upto the conceptual world in my head. my awareness of the physical world is poor for high se (i get lost easily). i crave novelty, but im among the “travels the world but only eats chicken tenders” people. im not sure i understand ur first statement, could u explain it a bit more? to clarify on my end, i know there are things people wont indicate, but i consider that not my business, even if im aware.

6/as they have a reason for not telling me. so i operate based on what they have said, rather than what i know. because of this, i give a lot of weight to words, both my own and others. i agree no one has intrinsic understanding of other people’s minds, incl. high fe. if anything, i find high fe can be bad at this on an interpersonal level as they impose generalizations on people whose needs differ but are bizarrely confident they can “read” people even with said person tells them otherwise.7/re: #8, by social world, i was referring moreso to rules of social convention/appropriateness, which fe users have a knack for (or perhaps define?). they comment on innocuous behaviour (not overt rudeness, things like not greeting every person as they walk into the office) as violating a norm i never picked on and it makes me second guess myself since i never thought of those things. surely everyone has some self doubt, but the frequency of this happening to me made it notable to mention.

——-

Okay, going through this:

1-2: that clarification is helpful. That can just be decent maturity in most types (though as you mentioned FJs tend to side with the friend) - few people are going to full-on throw someone under the bus just to make someone else happy, so the smoothing over, especially if the person who’s upset is someone you like, is often just a neutral statement or “that sounds frustrating.” The just giving in is something I at least use for people I don’t actually respect much and for situations where I don’t think a strong stance will help. Kind of a “don’t get in a mud fight with a pig, you’ll both get dirty and the pig will like it” situation. If it’s a friend who’s actually upset, even if I think they’re wrong, I think most people who aren’t assholes will try to remain neutral or focus on comforting the friend but not arguing until a later time. So…doesn’t really indicate anything other than you’re reasonably mature as a person and probably not an FJ.

I do think Se makes a lot of sense. I don’t know what old post it was but if it was pretty old, disregard it. We’re all capable of idealism - I’m confident that I’m a sensor and I get frustrated with the world sometimes. (I also have garbage spatial intelligence, though weirdly a good sense of direction). I think a current issue now that “intuition is psychic” is no longer as much of a thing is that people think they need to be absolutely flawless in their sensory understanding to be a sensor when it’s really a preference for the concrete. Also, the picky eating is not exclusive to Ne users - that’s one of the many statements that’s true about a lot of Ne users but isn’t really evidence for Ne on its own. My ISTP sister is one of the pickiest eaters I know, my ISFP sister is pretty adventurous. Food especially is weird and influenced by a lot of other things. But getting back to Se, the thought process of “they didn’t tell me, they must have a reason, let’s take them at their word” is more sensor. It’s not that sensors aren’t capable of realizing they might not have the whole picture; it’s that they aren’t going to look for the deeper meaning if there’s not a really good reason, whereas intuitives might look for the deeper meaning even if there isn’t one at all.

You are right about Fe (I find that high Fe users, and especially NFJs, are the worst offenders in imposing a generalized view of how people should be responding) but I think we’re sold that you’re not a high Fe user. The description of not feeling like you know how to interact with people does seem more like that of a thinker. While it’s tough to be positive on Ti/Fi at times, I’d seriously look at ISTP. You sound more like ISTPs I’ve met (than either INTPs or ISFPs), which I get isn’t super helpful but it’s what I’ve got. I’d also look at enneagram 9, which might be influencing the desire to just stay neutral and not instigate disagreement (and is pretty common in both ISTPs and ISFPs but I find more so in ISTPs. ISFPs have somewhat less chill in my experience.)

[thetravelerwrites]

Setting the Record Straight

Rating: General Audiences Fandom: 魔法使いの嫁 | Mahou Tsukai no Yome | The Ancient Magus Bride Characters: Elias Ainsworth, Hatori Chise, Ruth, Silkie, Alice Words:3985

Chise gets annoyed by people asking if she's afraid of Elias and explains exactly why she's not. Please Leave feedback.

A sharp knock at the door interrupted their afternoon tea. Elias turned his head, but Chise shot up and was at the door before he could speak.

"Alice!" He heard Chise say in surprise. "Hi, what brings you by?"

Elias stood, allowing Silver to collect their dishes, and followed Chise out into the hall. Ruth padded after him.

"Hey there," Alice said cheerfully, standing on the porch of the Ainsworth residence. She held up a gift bag. "I heard it was your birthday not too long ago. I stopped by to give you this."

Chise stepped back to give her room to enter. "Oh,” She said softly. "You didn't have to buy me a gift."

Alice laughed as she stepped inside. "Don't worry, I didn't buy it. It's a hand-me-down. I got a new one, so I thought you like to have this one. It still works great, I just don't need two." She looked up at Elias and chuckled. "That is, if your jailer here is allowing contraband."

"Die," Elias said gruffly.

Alice stepped past him, flipping her hair, and made for the sitting room without invitation. Chise looked at Elias questioningly.

"It's fine," Elias said. "I'll be in the study."

She smiled and nodded, following Alice with Ruth on her heels. The door closed behind them with a snap.

Sighing, he made for the study but stopped when he realized he'd left the book he was reading on the kitchen table and doubled back for it.

He could hear the voices of the two young women muffled through the door and decided not to intrude, but hearing his own name made him stop and lean against the wall, listening. He had a vague sense that perhaps this was a private conversation, but curiosity got the better of him.

"I doubt the bonehead would give you one of these," Alice said haughtily.

"I don't think Elias even knows what it is," Chise said, laughing softly. "He's not too familiar with modern technology; at least, not that I've seen. He doesn't even own a radio or a landline phone."

"I don't know what kind of music you like, but I have pretty eclectic tastes, so I put a mix of everything on there. If there's anything you like particularly, I can replace the songs you don't like with more of the kind you do."

"Thanks, Alice, this is really nice," Chise replied.

"So what did Elias get you for your birthday?"

"He saved my life. That's gift enough for me."

"You mean from the freak?"

"Cartaphilus isn't a freak, Alice. He was just in a lot of pain. Pain can make people do terrible things."

There was a silence, during which time Elias remembered a few terrible things he'd done while he had been in pain. He hadn't recognized it as pain at the time because it wasn't physical; it was inside his chest and stomach and gnawed at him as though trying to eat it's way out of his body.

It wasn't until after he recovered Chise and had a long talk with her that he realized the pain he felt in her absence was emotional. He was experiencing loss, grief, and guilt: three emotions with which he had been previously unfamiliar because he'd never felt them before. He was hoping now that he knew what they were, he'd be able to react better in the future should such feelings arise again, though he dearly hoped that they never would.

He had heard such feelings could cause a person to die. Before, he didn’t believe such a thing could be possible, but now he was absolutely certain it was true. If Chise left again never to return, if she were to die, could he survive that? He wasn’t sure. And even if he did survive, he would never be the same. One day of rejection was enough to destroy what humanity he possessed and reverted him back to a mindless monster, lost and devastated. If she were gone forever? If he never saw her face or heard her voice again? He feared what he might become.

Chise’s soft laughter brought him back to his senses. It was sometimes difficult to catch the undercurrent of a conversation if he couldn't see the faces of those speaking, so he melted into the wall and shimmied under the door to find a shadow within the sitting room to hide in. He caught Silver's disapproving stare as he slipped under, but ignored it.

Alice was sitting in the chair closest to the door and Chise was on the couch with Ruth's head in her lap. There was a small, white, rectangular device with a accompanying cords sitting on the coffee table. This must have been Alice's gift. Chise was right: he had no idea what that was.

"I still can't get over seeing Ainsworth turn into that huge... thing," Alice began again.

Chise didn't respond, and Elias wondered what she was thinking. Her face was impassive.

"I mean, I'd never admit this to anyone but you, but that guy scares me when he goes all beast-mode. Weren't you scared?"

"Yes, I was," Chise said, and Elias felt deep sinking in his gut. Chise always swore he didn't frighten her, but deep down he always felt that he must. How could he not? Could she have been lying? Why? To spare his feelings? She was kind enough to do so, but the thought that he truly did frighten her made him feel... he didn't know. Disappointed? No, that wasn't strong enough. Disheartened? Disconcerted? Some sort of word with the letter D in it.

"I wasn't scared of Elias, though," Chise clarified a second later, and the heaviness Elias felt evaporated. He took a breath, not realizing he hadn't been breathing.

"I was scared of the situation. I was afraid to lose Elias or Ruth, or Stella, or you. I was afraid Cartaphilus or Ashen Eye would kill one of you. I was afraid I would fail and I wouldn't be able to fix the damage I had caused. There was a lot fear and anxiety bouncing around in my head, but none of it was because of Elias."

She paused, and a shadow passed across her face, barely discernible, gone in an instant. Elias couldn’t say what it meant, but it caused an unpleasant prickling sensation in him.

She took a breath and smiled. "I know who and what Elias is. I know he can take on may forms. None of them scare me. It never has."

"Really?" Alice asked in disbelief. "You're not scared of him? Not at all?"

Suddenly, Chise's voice rose in exasperation. "Why is that so hard to believe?" She asked, throwing up her hands. "Do you know how tired I am of people asking me that, especially him?"

There was a stunned silence. Alice had backed away a little. Ruth even seemed surprised.

Chise sighed and held up her hands placatingly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. Look, let me tell you a story, alright?"

"Okay," Alice said slowly.

Chise closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "When I was eight, I was sent to an orphanage for girls in a small town outside of Okayama. By that age, I was used to doing things by myself, so I just got on with it. No one took enough notice of me to tell me what to do, so there was no need to ask permission, I just did what I needed to do. It was enough to go on with, and I survived it fairly well.” Her eyes went flat with introspection. “I think that’s why I’m so bad at letting people help me. I’m so used to being on my own and doing for myself that it just doesn’t occur to me to ask for help most of the time. I’m still getting used to that.”

“I totally get that,” Alice said. “My parents were blitzed out of the minds most of the time, so I was pretty much a street kid. I did whatever I wanted, as long as wasn’t hassled too much. A kid alone on the street is pretty much a target for every lowlife looking to take advantage. I learned to use a knife to my advantage pretty early on.”

Chise listened sympathetically in silence and waited as if expecting Alice to expand upon her story. Instead, Alice motioned for Chise to continue.

"On my first day of school in the new town, I left the orphanage and walked to school alone. To get there, you had to pass the town center. There was a big ornamental fountain right in the middle, and sitting on it was a huge red creature the size of a double-decker bus. No one else could see it; they passed it by like it wasn’t a giant nightmare looming over all of their heads. Oblivious.

“The… thing, whatever it was, was made up of nothing but tentacles, teeth, and eyeballs. Now, I was used to seeing weird things all the time and I'd gotten used to living in a constant state of anxiousness, but this was the biggest, creepiest thing I'd ever seen. It terrified me more than anything else had up to that point. I still have nightmares about it.

“I tried to ignore it, but somehow it realized I could see it and it began to follow me. It followed me to school and sat outside my classroom window, making obscene faces at me. It followed me back to the home and sat outside my bedroom window, licking the glass. It followed me for three months."

"Jesus," Alice said in an undertone.

Chise's face was dark and pained. "It constantly told me it was going to steal me away and drink my blood. It told me all the terrible things it wanted to do to me. It delighted in seeing how scared I was. It told me that as soon as I let my guard down, it would get me, and then it would lash out at me. It’s tentacles were apparently covered in barbs, because it left cuts and scratches all over me. I stopped sleeping. I stole a knife and hid it under my pillow. I kept arriving at school and back home covering in cuts and bruises. People thought I was insane and hurting myself. They didn't believe that there was this awful thing hunting me and hurting me. No one listened.

"One night, I was so tired that I couldn't stop myself and I fell asleep. I woke up because I felt a pain in my leg and when I opened my eyes, I realized that thing had managed to get the window open and was dragging me outside by my ankle. My leg was cut wide open and bleeding everywhere. I used the knife to cut at it and it let go and disappeared. The caretakers saw me with a knife in my hand and a huge gash in my leg and assumed I had done it to myself. It was the first and only time I ever threw a real screaming fit. I cried and yelled and shouted and told the caretakers that it would kill me. I told them that if they didn’t send me far away, I would run away myself. They thought I had lost mind.”

"Did they move you, though?" Alice asked.

"Oh, yes," Chise replied flatly. "To a mental asylum. The doctors there diagnosed me with paranoid depressive schizo-affective disorder with a tendency toward self harm. They deemed me a danger to myself and others and I was kept in a locked room by myself for six months."

"Holy shit," Alice breathed. Elias was equally shocked.

"Yeah." Chise was silent for a moment. "It wasn't as bad as you might think, though. The asylum had iron bars on the window, which I didn't know at the time was keeping the bad things out. It was the first time in my life I didn't see things that other people couldn't. Being alone for once was kind of nice. There was no one telling me how delicious I was. There were no creatures trying to scare me. It was quiet, but it was a peaceful quiet. I thought maybe I was actually crazy and that being at the asylum was making me better. But then they released me, and all the bad things came back. The medicine they gave me didn't help. If anything, it made me feel more crazy.

"But you know what the worst part of that story is?" Chise asked Alice, who shook her head. "That tentacle creature was not unique. It stands out in my head because it stalked me for so long, but there have been many monsters like it trying to hurt me my whole life. Some of them succeeded, and some of them weren't even fae. Humans can be just as monstrous as the monsters."

Her eyes were dark, and Alice nodded knowingly. Elias felt disquieted. Chise often talked about her past experiences with fae creatures but was far less open about her experiences with other humans. Elias hadn't thought much about it before, but now he wondered just how much she had suffered at the hands of her own people.

"When I first saw Elias, was I surprised? Yes, of course," Chise admitted. "But I wasn't scared. Compared to that red monstrosity that terrorized me outside of Okayama, Elias was practically cuddly."

Alice snorted at the description. "Cuddly isn't the word I would use to describe Ainsworth."

"You don't know him," Chise blurted out, then bit her lip. Alice smirked at her and narrowed her eyes.

"You have weird taste," Alice said.

"Hey," Ruth retorted, lifting his head off of the couch next to Chise. She patted him down.

"No, she's right," Chise said with a laugh. "But weird isn't the same as wrong."

"I suppose that's true," Alice admitted. She stood up and stretched.

"Leaving already?" Chise asked, a little disappointed.

"Yeah, sorry," Alice said. "Renfred and I are running a new test at the college tomorrow and I gotta be up early. I just wanted to make sure you got your gift. Maybe someday soon I can take you out to lunch, though."

Chise smiled in return. "That sounds nice."

Elias used the distraction of Alice's departure to quickly jump through the shadows to his study. He rematerialized and sat at his desk, attempting to look busy and preoccupied.

He heard a knock at the door.

"Come in," he called.

Chise opened the door and Ruth followed her inside.

Elias attempted to be nonchalant. "How was your visit with Renfred's apprentice?"

"She has a name, Elias," Chise said, her hand on her hips. She wore a frown. "You know, it's rude to eavesdrop on other people's conversations."

Elias sucked in a breath. So she had known he was there. She was becoming very perceptive to him, not always to his benefit.

"My apologies," he said. No point in denying it. "I was curious." He tried changing the subject. "What gift did she give you?"

"Oh." Chise held up the white rectangle. "It's an MP3 player."

"A what?" He asked, baffled.

"A music player," she clarified. The white cord attached to the rectangle branched into two separate cords, at the ends of which sat little round objects. "You select a song you'd like to hear," she said, demonstrating. He saw a small screen flip through song titles. "And then the music plays through the earphones." She held one up for him, but then faltered. "Uhh..."

"Yes?"

"Do you have ears?"

That was an interesting question. Did he? "I am obviously capable of perceiving sound, though I am not sure from where."

She frowned again. "Bend down."

He obliged her, and she held out her fingers next to where he assumed he might have ears were he human, and snapped them. "Is that louder than normal?"

"No, but I think you're on to something. Try again."

After some trial and error, they determined he best perceived sound just behind and slightly above the bone that made up his lower mandible. There was a shadowy hollow there than may have actually been an ear canal. She held an ear bud there and pressed play.

Elias listened for a moment and said, "Ah, I see."

Chise smiled and put the other bud in her ear, and they listened to the song together.

"What a pleasant tune," Elias said as the song ended. "This was a thoughtful gift."

"Yes," Chise agreed. "I like it very much.”

Elias straightened as Chise put the music device in her pocket. Chise turned to leave Elias to his work when he stopped her.

“Chise,” He began slowly. “Is what you told Alice true? About my monstrous forms never frightening you?”

Chise sighed in frustration. “Again? How many times do I have to say it before you believe me?”

“At one point, you seemed to hesitate. Why?”

Chise was silent, and Elias thought she might deny it. She looked down at the floor. Ruth nudged her hand and gave her a pointed look. She sighed again.

“Look, I want to be as honest with you as I can be,” She began. “The truth is, your forms don’t scare me. The fact that you used to eat humans doesn’t scare me. The fact that you’re bigger and stronger and more powerful than me doesn’t scare me. The fact that if you wanted to, you could devour me in three bites has never bothered me at all.”

“But?”

She paused and sucked in a long, shaky breath. “But you did scare me once. You scare me when you do things you think are rational, when you act in a way that puts others at risk because you want to help me.”

“You’re referring to what happened with Stella,” Elias said.

“Yes,” Chise said, still avoiding his eye. “You really scared me then, Elias.”

“I know,” He replied mournfully. “And I am truly sorry. I did not understand then what I stood to lose. I understand now.” He grew thoughtful and said, “When you confronted me, you said you thought I was different. You cried. I didn’t understand what you meant.”

Chise did look at him then. “The fae treat humans like they’re disposable. Like tools to be used until they’re no longer valuable and then tossed away. I had thought, because you were part human, that you would value human life more than other fae did. I was… disappointed to learn that I was wrong.”

Now it was Elias who failed to meet Chise’s eye. He hung his head, feeling guilty. There was another feeling there, one he couldn’t put a name to.

“You don’t have to love every human out there, Elias. You don’t even have to like any of them. But people are not expendable. You can’t use them with no regard to how it will effect them or the people in their lives. My life is not worth more than Stella’s, or any other human being, just because you care more about me and less about them.”

Elias was unsure he understood this. Chise was infinitely more important to him than any other human. He would gladly sacrifice every life on Earth if it meant saving hers, fae and human alike. Was that wrong? He didn’t understand how.

“What if you had succeeded?” Chise continued. “What if you had transferred the curse to Stella and she died in my place? Can you imagine how her family would feel if she never came home?”

“I’m afraid I cannot,” He replied.

“Don’t you remember how you felt when I left you and you didn’t know if I’d come back?”

“Yes, I felt…” Elias thought for a moment. The pain he felt when she left surfaced again and he struggle to put it into words. Cold was inadequate. So was lonely. It took him several minutes of reflection before he finally decided on a word that felt appropriate.

“Broken.”

Chise’s eyes widened and her lips parted. Whatever she was expecting him to say, it wasn’t that. After a moment, though, she got back on track.

“Don’t you think that’s how her family would have felt? Losing a child is devastating for most parents. If you had gone through with it, you wouldn’t only have killed her, but you would have broken her entire family as well. Some people can’t live with that kind of loss. My mother couldn’t. I barely could. Don’t you realize that?”

He hadn’t. Elias had not even taken Stella’s family into consideration in his single-minded fervor to complete the ritual. His jaws opened in surprise as sudden understanding filled his mind.

“I see,” He said in a wondering tone. “I see.”

“Do you?” She asked him. She took his face in her hands and made him look her in the eye. “Do you really see?”

“Yes, I believe I do. Loss is a terrible thing to endure. It is not a feeling I would wish upon another.” He huffed unhappily. “Is this what it is to empathize?”

Chise nodded.

“This lesson in human behavior was certainly hard-learned.” He replied.

“Yes,” She agreed. “It’s one I wish I had taught you sooner.”

Elias sighed. “I am trying, Chise,” He said plaintively. “I’m trying to learn, even though it is difficult for me to grasp at times.”

“I know you are, Elias. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. If I thought you couldn’t learn, I’d never be able to stay with you.”

“I know.” He leaned his long skull against her forehead. “Believe me, I never wish to lose you again. I need you to help me understand so that I can do better. If you are willing to be patient with me, I shall endeavor to try harder.”

She sighed and smiled, planting a soft peck on the ridge above his nose. “That’s all I can ask for.”

“Chise,” He said, pulling back to look at her better. “I feel an emotion that I cannot identify. I’ve felt it since that day when you discovered my plan and ran from me, when you cried and struck me. Can you help me understand?”

“Yes,” She replied earnestly. “What does it feel like?”

“Guilt, but stronger. A cold knot in my stomach that makes me anxious and sets my nerves on edge. But at the same time, it makes me sad. Do you know what it might be?”

She considered him, hanging his head like a berated dog and not looking at her.

“I’m not completely sure, but I think it might be… shame.”

Elias straightened and looked down at her, processing the information. “Yes. I believe you’re correct,” He said quietly. “I am ashamed.”

“That’s good,” Chise said encouragingly.

“It is?”

“Yes. It means you truly understand your mistake and are capable of learning from it. That’s a good step going forward.”

“How do I make this awful feeling go away?” He asked a little desperately. “It is most distressing.”

“Maybe you could do something nice for Stella,” She offered. “Invite her for tea, or even go with me the next time I visit her family.”

Elias nodded. “Both are fine ideas. I will do that.”

“Good,” She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tight. He draped his arms over her shoulders in return, nuzzling her head with his snout, careful not to snag his teeth on her skin.

From the circle of his arms, she looked up at him with her wide, lovely eyes. “Would you like to listen to some music with me?”

“Nothing would please me more,” Elias responded. “After, I’d like to hear more about your childhood, if that’s all right.”

“Sure,” She said, taking his hand and leading him back to the sitting room.

Since my work is no longer searchable, please do me a favor and reblog this story if you enjoyed it. Help me reach a wider audience! To help me continue creating, please consider buying me a Kofi, becoming a Patron, or donating directly to my PayPal!

Thanks for reading!

My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist

[highonthought]

he is NOT your boyfriend.

i have to put this soemwhere and i dont want to tell him. I think i let my feelings get too big again. Its hard not to love him. impossible.

I want to speak to him everyday. hear his voice. talk about everything all the time. being just with him would be enough. he isnt one to like talking, but being apart, i fear thats all thats left.

i want nothing left unspoken. i wish i knew what he thought of me. I like to think that it would affect how i feel towards him, or clarify it at least. how do i feel about him?

Well, its a mix. Im scared. of his perception of me, if he'd ever consider us again. But thats the fear, the top that wont let me get to real grimy bit of how i feel.

I love him. I'd like to be with him. I'd like to celebrate our wins together.

I love him. I don't want to drag him down. I don't want to bore him. I don't want to burden him with my "who am i"s and yellow brick road confusion.

I belive everyone is capable and worthy of love, no matter their state in life I feel at the brink oof all capabilities. I feel motivated when he reminds me. I don't want to ever be pitied by him.

If we date, i want him to want me as I am knowing its merely the fear that weighs me down.

i worry that the real reason he doenst want to date me is that i didnt live up to the potential i formerly was so proud and sure of. That future i boasted about

hes mentioned it a few times. He cares about me and hed like to see me succeed more than anything. Me quiere and the only reason he hasnt considered us getting back together is that he wouldnt want to get in the way of be going after what I want. I wonder, if he were brutally honest with me, doesnt he just mean im not enough right now. pleanty of people love a lot more with a lot less.

i'm not going to beg him to love me. i adore being sweet with him, but when i sit down and think it over. Really, it just makes me sad. It seems futile. I know, I said i would go where ever this feeling took me, even if it meant heartbreak, because i had hurt him before and id take the karma over going thru those 2 years again.

He said he probably woudlnt even want to see other girls ever since we started talking again. That doesnt mean we wants to date me thho. wanting me and actually going for it are different. i feel like im just here filling the spot of a girlfriend while suppressing every need a girlfriend would have. "act like one, dont feel like one"

If ii were my friend, i would pity me. I am my friend, so i try not to think about it.

what ive been doing so far is what feels right. I dont feel good thinking too far ahead. Stopped trying to do what i "should" or whats "right". But now i think that what i feel is that i love him. I started to embrace the role of a girlfriend when i shouldnt have allowed myself to do so. being close and sweet with him is great, but im starting to feel like an idiot. kindness and friendship are wonderful. I fear he has no intentions of actually dating me, and that why i crossed a line. I thought we were blurring lines bc the gradient was changing, nope. I stubled into a sad blissful confusion.

i find myslef only thinking of him throughout the day. hoping all my notifications are from him. wanting to bug himat all hours of the day.

I need to realize that he is NOT my boyfriend. He has no intention of asking me to be his girlfriend. I need to leave him alone. Text him as a friend. Laura, please stop playing pretend. It is only causing hurt. No matter how truly caring he is, and kind his words are, they don't hold water.

He is Not your boyfriend, so stop acting like it. Maybe then youll stop feeling betrayed.

[cowboypossume]

sdfghj I'm so sorry for coming back to this so late I am living in Tumblr bliss without checking my inbox but a) babe is totally fine I love that!! and my names aru (no a, you were close though!!)

yeah I'm like...halfway ash through the book? Simon snow needs a break but I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR OPINIONS EVEN IF THEY WEREN'T GOOD

AND SORRY FOR NOT RESPONDING TO YOUR DMs I'm really bad at messaging I'll try to get better!!!

hey hey don’t sweat about the dm thing ! the inbox is something i can learn to do :D !!! but ok you and spoilers throughout literally the entire and this is gonna be a lot and unedited (mostly) because BEHZYZTGZYSHSYHZUENEUSBS IM SO U P S E T

undeather the - - - - - - is when the spoilers stop

ok, ok, getting striaght to the point. it’s so horny. it’s so horny. and for W H A T ? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE REASON FOR IT TOBE T H A T HORNY? AND EVEN THEN ALL OF THE SEX STUFF WAS SO V A U G E ? LIKE EVERY TIME SIMON AND BAZ WERE TOGETHER IT TYRNED INTO SEX AND YES OK AS AN ACE I G E T HOW MUCH SEX CAN COME UP, BUT LIKE, ENDYXHZYGSHSYZGE WHAT WAS THAT?? IT WASNT EVEN WELL WRITTEN! IT WAS JUST SIMON BEING LIKE “i want more but it’s not enough” AND LIKE NOT REALLY ELABORATING ?? AND THEN THEYD BE SHARING A CUTE MOMENT THEN *bam* HORNY AGAIN? OK ALSO AS FAR I KNOW RAINBOW ROWELLE IS A CIS HET STRAIGHT WOMEN .. BABE WE DONT NEED THAT MUCH SEX BETWEEN THE MLM RELATIONSHIP??? AND THEN WJEN THEY ACTUALLY KIND OF EVEN HAVE SEX ITS SO V A U G E (AGAIN!) ITS NOT UNTIL SEVERAL PAGES LATER I REALIZED THAT THAT TIME WAS ACTUALLY SEX VS ALL THE TIMES IT WASNT? I DIDNT LIKE IT !!

ok now that i’m done being upset about how fucking vague it was, i also didn’t like how it was used as a metaphor for simon wanting to actually try in a relationship? yes it’s important to try in relationships and compromise and try when you don’t want to, that’s important, obviously, but like ,, you’re allowed to have your own believes about sex. that doesn’t have to be the soul focus of your relationship. baz himself even admits that they “have bigger things to worry about”. there are ways to show growth in a relationship without sex, and even if you do, IT DOESNT NEED TO BE THAT VAUGE?? AND OFTEN? simon felt overwhelmed in those positions and then was like “ok lol i’m done with anxiety and just gonna try now and no more anxiety :)” it felt like to me? and then bam bow horny. ALSO. ITS NOW CANNONICAL SIMON HAS A BLOOD KINK ????

ALSO! THAT SCENE IN THE SEWER WAS BAZ BEING LIKE

“please fucking stop about asking me to drain you. i’m makes me so uncomfortable and scared and stop.”

and simon was like “but it’s hotttttt”. WHAT ?? BABE WE DONT HAVE TIME TO UNPACK ALL OF THAT.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO NEXT POINT: WHY? WHY THE FUCK DID SIMON GROWL??? W H A T?? WHAT THE FUCK?? WHAT THE FUCK WAS HIM G R OW L I N G WHEN HE SPOKE??

and ok something i didn’t fit in before was all the weird ways the kissing scenes were described? i’m from america so maybe it’s like a dialect thing i don’t understand, but constantly hearing “i shove my nose into his face” while they were kissing was so weird?? like shove, similar words i frankly don’t want to remember, we’re used all the time? and for what? hmmm??? what was that?????? i cant express to you how of a fever dream this book was?? but ohohoho i have more to unpack.

penny to me always felt like the token diversity friend when it wasn’t in her point of view (and even then pushing it) and so i didn’t love her character. but!! her and simon’s friendship was realistic. i could get behind that. HOWEVER. THIS BOOK TAKES THAT AWAY. SIMON once is like “give me space” and then she’s just like “ok” and i feel like their friendship never got repaired at the end? i stopped really paying attention because fucking shit i was so tired of the constant sex between baz and simon that i zoned out most of it so maybe it did but ,, i don’t think it did. i’m pretty sure she got with shepard and then he got with baz and then that was the end of the friendship because ✨ooooo we’re dating people✨ thing. which ,, isn’t how it happens??

and while we’re here: i didn’t like the penny and shepard ship but whatever it felt like it was inevitable like female x male loki so i was like “huh disappointed but not surprised” feeling when they kissed. if you like it, cool great (/gen), i didnt and that’s swaggy but, ok, the plot of shepard being engaged to a female demon who i think wants to fuck him in hell only to be resolved in like 2 pages of a monologue so penny and shepard can get together was ?? so WEIRD ??? like what was that ?? how did that develop their relationship? idk it was so weird.

but ok back to simon and penny, i kept reading and reading and reading on so i could maybe get to at least talk again and then,, they didn’t? they just didn’t. they never made up their friendship and i get that you lose friends along your life. believe me i’m the last person you have to drive that point home to. but,,,,, god i hated that their friendship ended. for WHAT REASON DID IT END?? simon said he needed space, penny respected that, got a boyfriend and simon did too, so no longer theyre friends? something i liked about this series was the group dynamic all of the books had. no matter who’s pov it was in you could tell who each character was because it was unqiue. you still could in this book so i’ll give credit where credit’s due. however THIS BOOK WAS LIKE 3 ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORIES WITH NO CONECTJON REWLLY ?? WHICH IS FINE I JUST ,, didn’t get that in the first two books so ,,,, why is it here ?

and ok something else while i’m criticizing is: i don’t love her writing style. i didn’t like how in book one i got “here’s an introduction to my magical word told through past tense and memories and so hopefully you’re all caught up now” which i was willing to overlook because just because i don’t like the style means it bad. at least this book didn’t do that but idk didn’t love that aspect.

ok back to the three stories: i love agatha being a bisexual goat care taker. that’s it literally she should have been the main character. like deadass i loved her story so much. that’s it that’s all /pos.

ok but! simon finding his family was cool. i liked that he got that. the pacing of the scene where he finds out was a little rushed for me but, then again, based on my writing i can’t really critique on that so … liked it, enough. idk how to elaborate. wasn’t the worst part of this book but doesn’t really sit well with me.

and i’m so confused about simon’s wings. he does want them and constantly brings up his surgery and then all of a sudden ,, doesn’t? i think? the last chapter is so vague and simon mentions being on the fence about it and i understand that we as the reader don’t need to know everything about what the future holds for these characters but also ?? beudhyzhsgsbeysyzb babe he brought it up like all the time and can i please get a solid answer ??

aLSO. WHY DID SIMON AND BAZ BREAKUP ONLY FOR THEM TO GET TOGETHER 5 CHAPTERS LATER?? WHAYDYXYZGWH WHAT WAS THE POINT OF WAYWAYRD SON IF SHE JUST DID THAT???? LIKE WHXGXYVZYZHE YOU MADE THEM STAY TOGETHER WHEN SIMON WAS BEING AN ACTUAL DICK FOR AN ENTIRE BOOK (which i will defend until the day i die those scenes weren’t an OUNCE of how horny this book is), THEY BREAKUP, AND THEN GET TOGETHER AGAIN?? NOT EVEN 100 PAGES AFTER THEY BREAKUP??? SHZGZGZYSGSU W H A T? WHAT? I DONT GET IT? i don’t get it.

i kept waiting for the scene where everything came together and it never came. then the epilogue didn’t clarify anything either.

i don’t know. there’s more probably i just didn’t enjoy this book. i would have given it a 5/10 the first time i read it but the more i think about it the lower that number goes so ,, yea not a good time.

- - - - - -

so! that’s a lot! completely get it if you disagree :D. you’re allowed to like a book even though i don’t. and also i have no energy to edit this so enjoy me screaming about it !

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #323 June 26, 2018 11:02 am

Dearest SoulEater,

“I have a problem..”

Im starting my entry with that sentence. I do have a problem. But it is not just a simple normal problem. It is not something that can be solved by being positive. I am having an internal problem. A problem with myself.

I started noticing this during an event with Li-Anne. I was having a good time playing Warframe and though I did not mean to, I publicly shamed her gaming skills in a chat at Twitch and she saw it. I did apologize but she was so mad that I had to disconnect as I am getting annoyed with what is happening. I continued with my activities that day thinking what was happening to me. The next day, my monthly right eye pain started and I had to lie down at bed the whole day making myself unproductive. It gave me some time to think of what was becoming of me. And I am starting to get confused. The next day came and my eye pain still persisted. I had to endure it the whole day at work and at home, and for some unknown reason, I did not want to talk to anyone. I only responded when Im called or when someone needed something from me, but I never talked to anyone,  I never opened up a topic about anything. Came tuesday, I was fee ling better but still not quite well. I contacted Li-Anne after not talking to her for 3 days to clarify some things with her vlog. Then I streamed in the evening, only to be interrupted by a call.

Li-Anne called sobbinG. She was really crying hard to the point that it got me worried about her health. Too much sobbing will make her hyperventilate and eventually may cause her to have excess oxygen, and put her into a nervous breakdown. I never heard her cry like that before. And all I can say to her was to stop. I tried calming her down because I had a feeling that her crying was related to me. So I explained what was happening, and I mentioned something was wrong with me which I cannot explain so far. But I told her we didnt have any problems. She calmed down and started listening to me and I told her how I honestly feel about the past months.

It made me think once again. What was happening. My internal equilibrium was turning into chaos. I needed to sort myself out, clear my head, fix my life. So it made me decide to take a break from things, such as streaming for a month. Give myself the time to reflect and gaze upon who I really am. I never heard Li-Anne cry like that in the 5 years that Ive known her, and I dont think I can ever let that happen again, I cant take it if it happens again, with her or the ones I love and cherish. Im not “disconnecting” but Im just going to have a breather, to give myself the space that I would need to improve myself. I see this as a defining moment in my life. So I talked to Li-Anne about it and I am happy she was supporting me all the way. In the end, she is vital to what will be the outcome of this soul search.

The next day, I announced on my stream that I will be taking a break, and that I needed some time on my own to figure out things. I am actually surprised that people were there to listen to me. They were giving me their support and comforting words. And there I realized that an answer was in front of me. “You are not Alone”. They were there to see me as I am not a part of their lives. It made me remember that part of me which is human. I told them that although I may not be streaming, I will be supporting our friends on their respective streams. I am glad I have LAVA with me as well, my friends trying to reach out to let me know I have them. I made treasures which I know are worth more than my material things.

Last weekend, I woke up and was still thinking about things. I sat at our dining table and there was my mom doing things. We started to talk, and it was there I found another wisdom which I might have forgotten in the middle of my chaos. “Acceptance makes things Easier” 

Yesterday, I felt the day was really heavy and bad. Work, expectations and stress gave me a hard time to cope up, and all I can do was have a blank face, trying to know what I can do even though I already did a lot. Another bad event, happened, my mom forgot to pay our electric bill which made my day more darker. I had to go to Daet to actually settle it. But while I was thinking about a way to settle it, I remember papa J’s favorite quote.. “Just do it”. and it made me remember my hardships during the times I was taking my Masters degree. So I went to Daet, paid out bill, had spare time, bought paint, searched for alligaotr clips, and ate Jollibee food. I went home satisfied and stable.

I will be telling all the things I would remember and learn along the way as I venture in this break. I will finish everything that needs to be done and connect to people who I really need to connect. I will cut off everything which is toxic in my life and start improving it, to be better, to be deserving.

I know I am going to be fixed. So please help me Soul.

Love lots,

Jim

P.S.

Including in the break would be improvements of my contents for twitch and youtube, and also some real quality time with my Biii. Ill be starting that break soon after I finish building Gundam Meijimbo Ragna. -3-

[groundramon]

Statement

I didnt want to write this but I’m too fucking tired to respond to anymore people who go into my ask box. I’ve already gotten 4. Leave me alone. Also I apologize for not censoring @ ‘s.  Obviously, do not send hate to anyone.  Because I, unlike Peri, do not endorse that.  Your white knighting will not hurt Peri and it will not help me - it will just help Peri feel more justified.  So seriously, to any of my friends/mutuals/followers reading this - do not.

DISCLAIMER: I knew peri back when he still used they/them pronouns. If I ever accidentally refer to him with those pronouns, please don’t hone in on that, but please DO tell me about my mistake so I can go and fix that. This is not an excuse, its still wrong of me to do and i apologize if I accidentally do it anywhere in this post - it is an explanation and an invitation to hold me accountable without using it to destroy the whole point of my post.

DISCLAIMER #2: there is a lot of nuances to our relationship that I will never be able to describe in text. Such as the fact that as little kids, Peri and our other friends were the ones who “corrupted” my sense of humor (not in a problematic way, I was just a really naive little kid). We always made jokes about me being the least mature out of the group despite being the oldest.

DISCLAIMER #3: Yes, I made mistakes. No, I did not put out a callout about Peri “just to start shit”.  I have apologized for my mistakes and learned better, and would be happy to write another apology genuinely outlining what I did wrong if Peri didn’t lie about me at every given opportunity.

I never put a callout on Peri until now.  Maybe once when this first happened, i told people to unfollow him...I genuinely cant remember.  I know I added him to my carrd as DNI, but he did it first, and I did it in response to that.  And I removed it long ago.  He also mocked me for calling him my abuser after one of his friends block evaded me to tell me to fuck off, and I found out said friend did that because Peri had been calling me “a danger to minors”, a racist (Peri is white and kept making Hetalia jokes up to a few months before we stopped being friends even though literally I never did) and a lesbophobe (ok peri is a lesbian), and more important, accusing me of stalking.  His definition of stalking was to check his twitter profile obsessively.  I know he did this to me, because he mentioned one of my discourse threads about SPOP and misrepresented my argument (he said I called Catra abusive - I called Catradora toxic and clarified that Catra is not an abuser).  I’m not here to debate the definition of stalking, but heres the thing - at that point, it had been...I think 3 months after we broke off?  And I hadnt checked his twitter since a week after we broke up.  Literally.  I’m sure I have no way of proving that now, OVER A YEAR LATER, but it’s true. I have proof about the hetalia joke.  It was literally just a joke about my piccrews looking like America.  But considering years ago, Peri (and our shared abuser who I dont plan on discussing very much publicly for obvious reasons) were the ones who got me into Hetalia, it hits a very sore spot with me to call me a racist right alongside our shared abuser who would go by japanese names for the ~aesthetic~.  And thats the thing throughout all of this - did I do wrong by Peri? Absolutely, and I’m not going to remember everything flawlessly either. I’m not a flawless person and we were friends for like 7 years.  But Peri is acting like he’s never done anything wrong in his life.

He also has a pattern of doing this - he accused me and his ex-friend Rainy (me and Rainy are friends) of making fun of our abuser’s art constantly and probably now making fun of Peri’s art constantly (we did make fun of the abuser’s art, but tbh it was gallows humor, and still not something I’m proud of.  I have literally never made fun of Peri’s art.  In fact, it makes me feel awful that I have a pit in my stomach whenever I see it, because I always enjoyed Peri’s unique art style up until the day we split.)  He’s hurt so, SO many other people too.  I can think of 13 just off the top of my head.  The person who block evaded me to yell at me about something I literally never did?  Literally went through the same shit me and Rainy did.  Most of these people are not going to like me, and yet I could probably ask for their testimony and it would match my experience very closely, except the key difference being Peri gave up on them already.

Peri talked about me THREE TIMES in the last week (I believe - I didnt check dates and i literally found peri’s account accidentally while going through chicken smoothie. yes, it was my choice to scroll down and look for my name, but i was like, the second post on his tumblr and i was just trying to see if the posts were recent or old bc i thought he was inactive on here.

Here are all of the posts in case he deletes them - sorry I dont have timestamps, he went private so I cant get evidence, obviously.

Admittedly, the last one is pretty understandable, I feel the same way going through my old shit and seeing Peri’s posts/art/etc. But two times after that? But no I’m the one for starting shit, even though I can disprove both of this posts.

For that first post:

1. I didn’t debate shit, I asked a question because I saw a bi woman bring up a good point about why bi women shouldn’t be allowed to use butch/femme.  Admittedly, asking your closest (not only! just closest) lesbian friend about all lesbian issues is kind of a dick move, but I was just trying to figure out how to argue against that point so I could support my lesbian friends.  Now I realize that it’s wrong of me to bother getting involved on either side and I should just support my lesbian friends and their voices instead of getting directly involved.  Yes, I was wrong, but i did not argue with a lesbian about whether or not butch/femme can be used by nonlesbians, I was ASKING A QUESTION.

2. I was trying to be a supportive friend. He was crushing on Rainy - who was identifying as a gay (trans) man at the time by the way, but I only ever see Peri use this as evidence for me being lesbophobic, not homophobic and transphobic.  Gee I wonder why?  Oh right, it’s because Peri hates Rainy and doesn’t care.  Anyways, yes, it was wrong of me.  At the time I didn’t understand a lot about comphet so I was just trying to be supportive.  I do think I expressed relief when Peri said he and Rainy had broken up and realized their feelings were platonic, as i was confused about the whole situation.  I was trying not to gatekeep Peri from his own damn community, because I’m not going to tell him his feelings are invalid when I’m not a lesbian.  You cant get mad at me for policing lesbian labels, and then not policing lesbian labels enough- what??  I don’t think I did anything wrong per say in this situation because I was telling white lies to be a good friend but I do know better now and try to emphasize that “and if you find out its comphet and you’re still a lesbian then thats totally valid!!!” and in fact I even think I did that at the time??

Both of these instances (I believe) are buried on an old server that I no longer have access to.  It’s possible they still exist.  But I didn’t think this thing with Peri would last well over a year later so I didn’t bother documenting any of it.  If peri has the screenshots, I would love to see it.  This is not sarcasm, I genuinely want to be informed what I did wrong.  I have a lot of great friends now and I would hate to hurt them by repeating mistakes I don’t even remember making.  I can’t learn if I’m not informed.  Once again, this is not sarcasm, irony, or passive aggressive.  This is genuine.  All I ever asked from Peri was to talk to me.

These are the last messages we exchanged before Peri’s goodbye message.  This is what our relationship was like.  And do NOT fucking tell me “Peri is clearly uncomfortable” - I’m autistic, Peri is neurodivergent, I do NOT read into subtext.  I have an anxiety disorder and will literally never be able to function if I read into everything as passive aggressive.  My autism does not excuse abusive behavior - but if you do not tell me about this behavior, which Peri never did, I can never get better.  I do not read that “im fine” as a silent plead for me to leave him alone when he literally was always talking about how annoyed he was by people overanalyzing his responses, seeing hostility where there was none, and he specifically said not to read into short replies as anything personal.  He said he had compassion fatigue.  Which is why I left him be until I had no choice.

The last vent I mentioned said “Shitty friends, shitty friends” on his private twitter.  I was worried it was about me and Rainy, because I figured if it wasnt, he would’ve told us who it was about.  And he never did.  So I’m pretty sure it was about us.  After disappearing for the day and making me and Rainy worried that he was suicidal, he sent us this goodbye message in our mutual server (which the only reason i have this is because i sent it to another friend because i didnt know how to feel and needed guidance)

This goodbye letter, despite seeming nice on the surface, blamed the trauma that me and Rainy faced as well as our particular interests for Peri leaving us.  One of my boundaries in our friendship was to tell me if anything was wrong so I could improve it and be a better person, and Peri broke that trust.  He was absolutely a shitty friend in that regard.  But just this goodbye letter I would’ve bought despite being disappointed...if he hadn’t called us shitty before.

By the way, at the time, the only thing I could think this would be about was not trusting Peri’s gut about some randos.  Rainy and I wanted to give those people a fair shot, and Peri accused us of not trusting him because of it.  You do not get to dictate who your friends do and dont hang out with, and you dont get to guilt trip them for hanging out with someone who has literally done nothing to you except act a little bit too much like our shared abuser Moony, wtf?

Peri also accused me of saying he and Moony were the same, when I did no such thing.  Rainy did!  And I immediately chastized Rainy for it, clarifying that I thought they were two different beasts entirely.

I forgot what I was talking about uhhh.  Oh yeah!

I’m not the one still talking about you over a year later.  I’ve moved on.  Remove me from your DNFI.  I didn’t remove you from mine because I realized I was the abuser and you were the victim - I removed you because I’m fucking done with this situation.  I only brought it up with your friend because you LITERALLY BLAMED MY INTERESTS AT THE TIME IN YOUR FAKE-ASS APOLOGY.  And what were me and Rainy talking about a bunch at the time?  Digimon!!  Aka the person who I talked to’s special interest!  I told them I would fuck off if they asked and I encouraged them to talk to you about it and have a genuine conversation.  Because I, unlike you, am a good person who lets people come to their own conclusions.

Also, you were 2 weeks away from being 16, and I was a few months into being 18.  Here are some of our conversations about becoming QPPs!

Should I have entered a QPR with my 7+ year friend who literally shaped me into who I am today when they were almost 16 and I was already several months into being 18?  Probably not!  But adulthood isn’t just some switch that goes off, and I was a dumbass.  Peri’s current GF is apparently being accused of being a predator, or something, according to one of Peri’s other posts?  I dont know whats happening because im not! a fucking! stalker! but Peri of all people should know what it’s like to have a small age gap blown into something bigger than it is.  Peri and I’s relationship didn’t change a whole lot after becoming QPPs - we were still close friends.  But after literally growing up with Peri, I didn’t realize that I needed to enact healthy boundaries with someone so young when they were the one who used to “troll” me when we were kids (AKA pretend to be mad at me or pretend to be someone else and then say “haha just kidding!” just to cause problems).

Peri has clearly built me up to be some kind of villain in his head.  And that’s fine, I really don’t care.  I go months without thinking of Peri, and he’s just a bad memory whenever I do think of him - well until I found out he’s calling me a pedophile and accusing me of making callouts that I never did and generally has been a pot calling the white marble countertop grey for the past year or so.  But I dont care.  I DONT CARE.

But if you want me to stop warning people about you, its simple.  Stop spreading lies about me.  Take my name out of your public vocabulary.  Take me and Rainy off your DNFI.  I do not think about you, I do not talk to people about you very often, most of my current friends didn’t know the things you did until today because I had no reason to tell them.

For anyone uninitiated - all you need to know is that this person’s tumblr title is “an aphobic [reclaimable slur]” and so by admission they like to harass other minorities for fun.  Seriously, you don’t have to be an ace inclusionist or even believe aphobia is real to just be a nice person, what the fuck?  This post in particular is extremely telling.

Also they retweeted a post from someone with the username “panphobe” so.

Just a few notes.  Hope the asexual who stans a literal stated aphobe gets tired of licking that boot soon.  And Peri too.  Your obsession with me is more unhealthy to you than it is to me.  Just...drop it.  I will only add to this if more accusations are thrown my way.   I am done with you.  You have a repeated behavior of this shit, and I want to add more things but they’re heresay from other people so I don’t feel comfortable adding them.  But yeah.  Stop hurting people.  Stop bullying people and being angry and aggressive for fun.  You’re not as cute as you think you are.  There’s a reason this shit keeps happening to you.  Get better soon.

As for me, I think I’ll spend the next three months going back to forgetting you exist.  I liked it there.  But you can keep thinking I’m stalking you if you’d like.  I have all the proof and evidence I need that you’re a fucking liar right here.  And most of your tweets accusing me of shit are deleted too.  Now leave me the fuck alone.

PS, even if aroaces arent oppressed, sending them hate messages based on something they cant control is really shitty :) its not like we’re still a minority group or anything!  I’m also literally trans, so you’re proving the fact that the bad exclusionists always target other LGBTs who happen to be aspec for their harassment :) but keep it going keep it going, every spiteful message sent to me specifically because im aspec and part of the LGBT community just fuels my agenda.

[marchingfluterino]

last game of the season things:

i walked over to The Corner bc annabeth, stamy, and matt were there among others and.

“don’t fist weed man” —stamy

i immediately walked away again. what the fuck stamy

the Band Amoeba

basically a few kids were in a circleand they kept gathering people into the Amoeba by collectively advancing toward them and opening the circle to absorb them, then closing it again. it was so fucking funny

max wasnt there again. hes in seattle. hannah said their cousin there made him go on a seven mile hike lmao

on the bus i sat with dylan and we were like entirely surrounded by color guard o ops

it was fine tho

the game we were going to was literally like almost an hour away through like forests and even a little farmland which was wild

literally

once we got there we were trapped in the back bc we were two seats behind fucking eric and mattias and they were wrestling in the bus and shit AGAIN.

dylan managed to get us to the front tho. bless up dylan

we heckled maya for “does baked mean high???” and she just yelled “THAT WAS A WEEK AGO” lmao

hannah asked me if i wanted to go to a gearworks guard thing where they teach u How To Do Guard Shit its in the summer and Hoo Boy i wanna go! it sounds so fuckin cool yeeeee

the other band had a bigger drumline than we do, which is not much when u consider that we Do Not Have a drumline. like we have the equipment just. not enough people according to daryl

they had a quad, two snares, and three bass drums. one of them was TINY

while the other band was playing the national anthem, a bunch of what i thought were drunk adults were singing along. nope turns out it was our goddamn student section. i hate my school

luckily though they were on the other side of the field.

actually it was really nice bc we were in the backfield bleachers and then on the other side of the space in front of where this building was there was the bleachers where the other band was. they were SO CLOSE it was AMAZING

there was this one flute in the front that kept dancing it was so lit

me and this one clarinet i think kept waving back and forth at each other it was awesome

idk what they thought of us tho bc like, we tried to start the wave (only a couple kids in their band would do it), and then we did the band dance like from an outside perspective it’s very weird and like a cult. like theres just a couple people at the front doing a little dance and everyones doing it back at them

actually i sorta do know what they thought of us bc we played our parade tune and somebody in the other band looked over at us and did the “so so” thing where u have ur hand parallel w the ground and then you turn it back and forth

at one point while percussion were doing a cadence alex just started playing the “when mom isnt home” song

we got to do The Loud Thing with percussion TWICE and the first time Literally no one realized they were supposed to play except me so for like A Whole Couple Seconds it was just One flute, playing the highest C u can on a c flute (aka like, 6 ledger lines above the staff) and then Everyone joined in it was WILD

before halftime while we were going down the steps to go warm up i like fell on the last couple steps

but like. i was COMPLETELY FINE. like it was the softest fall ive ever seen. like it probably LOOKED bad bc mendelson and rachel (who were behind me) asked if i was ok (AND I WAS), but it just. WASNT.

like no one couldve caught me, bc i wouldve brought rachel down with me if she had tried and besides she was too far back anyway, and mendelson plays sousa, so HE couldn’t’ve. so like how

the only explanation is that it was a marching band ghost who didnt want me to damage my instrument. like. my feet fuckin FLOATED out from under me almost. and my flute barely jostled. thats the only way that couldve happened

there was a doggo. he was very good and he had a job. a police pupperino

the student section yelled shit like “THATS MY BAND” as we ran on and honestly YOU can shut the fuck up chad, im not a goddamn fool i KNOW you dont care i KNOW that

during our show i was worried that my pinky would freeze to the ♭E key. it happened to sam at the last practice and it was even colder at this game

apparently hannah’s been volunteering at the cavaliers since she was TEN

TEN YEARS O LD

for once the water was colder than my hands. which is saying a lot bc my hands were freezing

i kept dancing at the cadences, like i always do

so ellie, my section leader, who is graduating, decided that next year i am in charge of flute choreography

lit

one of the trombones (the one whose name idk, the blond one who always wears this one blue flannel) had to be told to take off his hat. why 

the other bands seniors had FOOD to give to OUR SENIORS it was very nice of them

we did the “i believe that we will wong” thing again

to clarify bc i dont think ive ever talked about that on here theres this one kid in our band named will wong (both of which are common enough names that u will Never Find him) and its based of the “i believe that we will win” chant except u dont usually do the “i” i “i believe” i believe “i believe that we” i believe that we etc etc back and forth thing u just start yelling “I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WONG I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WONG I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WONG” over and over really fast its great

and lowkey a meme

i said to ellie that i thought that that was the best meme and she said she thought band bingo was the best and honestly im flattered

this was the first time i have Actually Cared about the Outcome of a Sportsball

the team we played was like, fourth in the fuckin state and we’re The Worst and for the first game they put the worst team (us) against the best and we ALMOST fuckin won it was insane

im glad it didnt go into overtime tho it was Cold rip

i lost my green screwdriver rip

the bus ride home was nice

(and cold)

the heater only came on in our bus when we were Actually At school

daryl said we could take home the boxes if we wanted so now i have a box. as in From Our Show.

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 3]

I have to warn you all that this chapter has a rape scene in it. It’s completely ridiculous, and I really don’t know if that makes it better or worse. Proceed with caution.

Recap: Edward gave into tempation and tried putting the moves on Tiaa. She went along with it at first, but then pushed him away because they were in public and Edward already has a girlfriend. Edward seems to think Tiaa is a vampire, even though she doesn’t appear to be and his thinking she is doesn’t really make sense. 

Chapter 1 Previous chapter

AN - hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it! 

That’s a bit worrying.

thanx for the suport from my frends love u girls!glad u like it! oh an VINCENT ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz! 

Hey, you never said she put her shirt back on! Actually, you also described Edward ripping it off her, and we know it’s made out of fishnet, so… I kinda doubt she still has a shirt left to put back on.

one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT!

I can’t imagine not liking this story. I’m being serious. It’s a masterwork. It’s right up there with “My Immortal” in my eyes.

NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off!

I think the point is to annoy the author. Which appears to be working.

Capter 3 – uncle larry

Wow! Really looking forward to the capter!

I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me! 

Just me or is she a tad fixated on his hair?

Also… Tiaa isn’t the sort of girl who blends in, and she knows it. She’s aware that she’s pretty and she’s used to getting attention — both positive and negative — because of her looks. She’s also loud (she yelled at Edward when he bumped into her), and she dresses in a manner that… well, let’s just say most small-town high school students don’t dress like Tiaa. This girl isn’t ordinary and she’s well aware of it. Why the false modesty?

But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off, and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF anyways, even if she was a mean girl with an ugly heart and not that hawt. 

Not only has she not met Bella yet, she hasn’t heard anyone talk about Bella either, so I don’t know how she came to the “she’s a mean girl with an ugly heart” conclusion.

But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range

"hello "

"hey, is that altantiana?"

"yah who is this?" I aksed.

"its Mike nooton from your class! 

She hasn’t met Mike yet either, unless that happened in the deleted scenes or something. I guess, if he called her house phone, that he could have got Dave and Marie’s number out of the school directory… but this seems a little weird if they’ve literally never met.

I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? 

To clarify, he is talking about a beach. He means La Push. Stuffed animals are probably not involved.

Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -

I can maybe buy that a high school boy is desperate enough to ask a random pretty girl to a party with him in the hopes that maybe it’ll kindle some sort of romance, but this is a really bad way to go about it. Asking out a girl you’ve never met is… not the best plan. Why not just frame it as inviting her along because she’s a new student and it would be a good opportunity for her to hang out and make friends? You don’t have to be explicit about your crush before you’ve even had a conversation with her.

Also I think Mike is already dating Bella’s friend Jessica, but fuck her, I guess.

"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked

"you mean bella and jessica's gang? 

I’m gonna wait a bit to talk about how weird it is that Bella is hanging with a “gang” of cheerleaders, but like… why does Tiaa know Mike hangs out with them? Again, this is their first conversation, and (as far as we know) the first time she’s even heard of him.

Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. 

He’s maybe undermining his own point there.

And they can be mean sometimes.-"

So… like anyone, then?

"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike! Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! 

Oh, Tiaa, you and I were on the same page until you pulled the fake modesty card. Besides, isn’t this a bit of an overreaction? He asked you to hang out with him at the beach, it’s not like he’s proposing marriage or anything.

And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was!"

What exactly does she mean by “screwed up in the brain bran”? Like, are we talking legitimate mental illness, or is this just teenage angsting? And, in either case, what exactly is her problem that makes her undateable? This is about the vaguest possible rejection, and I don’t know if she’s implying something is actually wrong with her or that she’s just Not Like Other Girls.

"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around and forget there names and forget to brethe! 

That’s your only reason? She’s pretty? Weren’t you saying something about cheerleaders being shallow a minute or two ago?

How can't you have noticed that? 

Decent point, actually. If your character is dropping jaws and turning heads with her beauty, either she’s aware she’s beautiful or there’s a reason she doesn’t realize. Like… maybe Tiaa thinks the people staring at her are doing so because of how she dresses, not because they think she’s pretty. Tiaa has actually seemed pretty aware of her effect on others throughout, though, so unless she’s just playing modest around Mike for some reason this scene doesn’t make any sense.

And I don't CARE how screwed up you are! It only maked you more interesting! 

He’s not even gonna ask for clarification on that?

Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "

The argument he’s making would probably be way more convincing if this wasn’t, you know, their first conversation ever.

"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was.

Oh, come on.

"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen. 

Yeah, I guess when compared to the weird dude who tried to fuck you in a locker room and threw a shirt at your head Mike really isn’t worth a second thought.

Even though I was anger with edward than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore, a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. 

My mistake, they were in a hallway, not a locker room. Not sure if that’s better or worse, but, depending on how busy that hallway normally is, it’s probably worse.

I creamed myself. 

Didn’t need to know that.

My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore. 

I mean… she didn’t, really. She went along with his advances up to a point, and it doesn’t really show good judgement on her part, but he was the one acting like a “hore” in this situation. Putting the moves on a random girl in a public space when you’ve already got a girlfriend? Keep it classy, dude.

I was scared of the affect he had on me.

Effect. “Affect” is a verb. Nice sentence otherwise.

(Okay, if you’re a grammar pedant, “affect” isn’t always a verb… it can also be a noun, when we’re talking in a psychology context, which Tiaa isn’t.)

"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly

"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.

Convenient. Two less characters for the author to have to deal with.

Wait, no, oh my god, I just remembered what happens in this chapter.

"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!”

I… okay, that’s some natural dialogue.

"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. 

Come on, girl, it’s just a compliment! Not like she’s hitting on you! At least I hope not.

I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking.

I kind of like that Tiaa is a goth girl who likes bright pink. There are plenty of real-life goth girls like that, but you pretty much never see them in fanfiction.

"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!"

You know “leaven” is what you do to bread to make it rise, right?

"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself!

Freudian slip? I mean, she is pretty embarrassing.

Marie smiles and leaves the house.

Marie doesn’t give a fuck, it seems.

"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face

You know he’s a bad guy because he’s ugly. That’s how it works!

"Hey - i said

"your the orphan arent you" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?”

Nice to meet you too, Uncle Larry.

"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears

"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly

I’ve just thought of a fun game. There are five more chapters left. Let’s all place bets on which chapter Uncle Larry will get horribly murdered in.

I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche. He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me! 

I know the implication is he’s watching her in a pervy way, but if I was making someone wash my car and I didn’t particularly like them I’d keep an eye on them too.

After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face

"wft!" i shouted

What Fuck The?

He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes. He touched my naked breats and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour then he pulled my panties down and started to rape me!

I really don’t want to be laughing at a rape scene, because rape is one of those things that’s just inherently unfunny, but… this is testing me. I mean, an entire half hour of spanking? The dramatic announcement that he began raping her after he forcibly stripped her naked and spanked her for thirty minutes, as if this is a surprise? The fact that all of this is happening in plain view of any neighbors Dave and Marie might have? Good lord. I truly do not know how to react.

I also have to wonder why Tiaa makes little attempt to fight back here. It’s pretty reasonable to freeze up when you’re violently attacked, but Tiaa has proven that she’s both capable and willing to fight off anyone she perceives as a threat (kung fu babie!) previously in the story. Is Uncle Larry too physically powerful for her to win against? We don’t really know how big he is compared to her, and Tiaa has been described as strong and fast previously. Both of them are unarmed, and, if there are neighbors, the noise should alert someone to what’s going on (Tiaa has been shouting/screaming throughout). Why is he getting away with all this? Oh, right, plot reasons.

"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop! 

Shocker.

The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small. 

Didn’t need to know about his dick, thanks!

I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there. 

Wait… hours? This guy has impressive stamina.

I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed.

“Seething darkness of the midnight street” is a pretty good phrase, actually. I mean, super cheesy and doesn’t really mean anything, but if this was lyrics some alt-rock band wrote I’d accept it.

Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. 

It was… VLODEMONT AND DA DETH DEALERS!

I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,.

It was… VOLSEMORT IN A WIG AND DA DEATH DEELRS!

"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?-

Well, we all saw that one coming a mile off.

"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark.

I hope she whispered the acronym instead of saying “oh my god.” Her dad will be totally confused! Old people don’t know how acronyms work!

Next chapter

[mercenarypark]

medic hcs

Em made a big hc post for heavy a few days ago [here] and ive been meaning 2 finally do the same w/ medic bcause im gay

note: while i try to be brief about the details, this post is about a gay jewish man in Germany during wwii. to set aside any initial worries, no, he is never kept in the camps- as a jewish person myself it sickens me deep in my stomach to even think of that possibility. but there’s still mentions of n/zism and antisemitism, as one would expect.

also, a fair amount of the details of my medic hcs for his childhood are based on the german side of my family, primarily my grandfather and his father. while i still only know a little about my family history[tm], details like medic’s last name, how his family were able to lay low, etc, are based on the little bits and pieces ive heard from my grandmother #antisemitism #nazism #homophobia #transphobia #satanism #long post #text heavy #tf2 #gore text #medical abuse #malpractice #experimentation mention 

-Medic was born roughly around 1925- he’s in his early 40s around when the game takes place- to the name [redacted] Reichstein. the Reichsteins were reviled in their little town as mad doctors, which was at least somewhat true- they certainly weren’t shy to experimentation on body parts and [willing] subjects. but a good part of the hatred for them stemmed from Good Old Antisemitism, focusing their hate on the fact that they were an openly jewish family and saying that that must be influencing their occasionally morally dubious behavior

-for the longest time, though, people tolerated them- they were the only doctors around, after all. but as time went on, the disgusted glances turned to hate speech, turned to violent threats, and eventually, to violent actions.

-medic’s father, who had long since been debating on moving, finally packed the family up[against his wife’s wishes], and within a night, their home and lab were deserted.

-his father could tell that something terrible was coming. he brought down an ultimatum- they would have to abandon everything jewish about themselves in order to survive. medic was young, still, and didn’t fully understand the severity of why his father seemed so adamant that they never mention holidays they once celebrated, why their old family photos were torn and burned, why his mother was constantly reprimanded when her Yiddish roots showed through her accent

-medic’s father pulled a few favors, and before they moved into a new city, the family name was changed to Reich- a more acceptable, more German name. Reichstein could raise eyebrows, lead to questioning about jewish roots, but there have always been many Reichs in Germany.

-that’s also when Medic got his birthname changed to Ludwig, and he and his mother had to fight like hell for that. his father argued that the last thing they needed was another target on their back- if anyone found out that his son “wasn’t really a boy”, then that would bring the entire family under scrutiny and into danger.

-ludwig refused to take no for an answer. ludwig had always been someone who would rather die than pretend that he’s something he’s not, and this was one of the first signs of that. while he didnt fully understand his connection to judaism, yet, and thus didnt fight to keep it at the time; he DID understand that he wasn’t a girl, and by God did he refuse to pretend otherwise.

-eventually his father relented, though he never once forgot and throughout medic’s childhood, he would bring up how risky it was, how medic was potentially endangering them all.

-to clarify: his father DID technically accept his son being transgender, but he wanted him to repress it, ignore it, force it down and never bring it up, much like their jewish heritage. ludwig refused, and his father never liked that. [when ludwig grew older and became both openly gay AND became a practicing jew again, his father nearly had a fucking heart attack]

-ludwig was heavily isolated for most of his childhood after they moved, partially due to the war’s beginning, partially because his father was afraid of his son giving something away. he was homeschooled by his mother, and rarely left the house, instead spending most of his time playing with the family’s cockatoo, or in his father’s operating room, learning human anatomy

-this isolation[alongside his autism, and veritable cocktail of mental illnesses] helped contribute to medic’s general inability to understand how to interact with people- he is oblivious at the best of times, has no concept of personal space, rarely catches social cues, and has Awful attachment issues. he is overly affectionate with anyone he is even vaguely friendly with, he tends to ramble and talk about uncomfortably personal things without realizing its a bad thing, etc, etc, he is a mess and a half

-he does understand bits and pieces- for example, if he’s physically affectionate with someone, they tend to tense up, and try to get away from him, which means he’s doing something wrong. the problem is that he doesnt understand WHAT he’s doing wrong, or why it’s wrong[answer: he’s covered in blood and bird shit and holding at least one[1] human liver]

-speaking of physical affection, the first time engineer affectionately puts a hand on medic’s shoulder medic fucking freaks out because aside from his parents, NO ONE. no one has ever initiated Friendly Physical Contact with him. usually because theyre freaked out by him in some way. he has no idea how to cope with the fact that someone might actually think of him in a friendly manner to the point of expressing that physically [aside from sexually, which is a whole other story and a half]

-but im getting ahead of myself. the first time ludwig killed a man was when he was 17. a nazi soldier paid an unexpected visit to the Reichs. ludwig, scared for his family’s sake and overwhelmed with a boiling hatred for nazis that had simmered for all of his childhood, killed the man

-his father reacted violently, ranting that now they were doomed, but his mother helped ludwig destroy the body and evidence. by the grace of God, no other nazi followed up that visit- the soldier hadn’t told anyone where he was going, and there had been no witnesses to his visit. and germany was so chaotic at the time, that eventually the man's death was attributed to a previously unnoticed casualty in battle

-that was the first man ludwig killed, and also the first of many, many nazis. he spent a good stretch of his adult life hunting down nazis who had gone under the radar, trying to hide their past ties while still keeping the same disgusting views.

-as ive mentioned, in medical school, ludwig not only became openly gay, but returned to his jewish roots. no longer under his father's roof, and now that the war was over, medic saw no reason to hide aspects of himself any longer. and God help everyone who felt otherwise. especially once the most violently hateful dissenters, began to mysteriously disappear.

-throughout his adult life medic has had Multiple short term, non-serious relationships [including more than his fair share of one night stands], and maybe two serious relationships prior to heavy. neither of those ended well, citing ludwigs mental Fuckery as a big issue. speaking of, his mental fuckery has helped him get into at least a couple abusive relationships, which i wont detail beyond "he survived and healed".

-while he is Jewish, he is the kind of jew who criticizes god every step of the way. at least part of this is due to having to survive during the Shoah.

-the Shoah definitely fucked his mind up. the constant fear for his parents and himself, and the burning hatred for the nazis and everyone who agreed with them or stood back and let them take over, and just overall a horrible sense of helplessness, definitely contributed to a lot of his future mental fuckery, and to his feelings about God. as an adult, and as a doctor, he took the feeling of helplessness he had as a teenager, and flipped it around dramatically- if god didnt help him then, he’d have to become better than god. he would bring retribution where others didnt, and bring power and life to those god would not help.

-he sold his soul to satan sometime around his mid-30s. [this is a sentence that sounds really fucking weird if u dont know much about tf2.] there are a few reasons behind that, but im only gonna talk about one:

-as i've said, medic spent a lot of time murdering nazis who had tried to go into hiding. that's difficult when theyre trying very, very hard to cover up their past. medic struck a deal with satan- in exchange for the names, aliases, and locations of ex-nazis in hiding, he would kill them and send them straight to hell. his soul was just to sweeten the deal.

-ludwig does a Lot of experiments on captured and dead nazis, especially the painful ones. the ol' "removing a patient's skeleton" story was of a nazi officer medic had caught, and medical licence or not, ludwig would do it again in an instant

-medic's flock of homing pigeons, stolen from a wedding van, are like family to him. the original, stolen generation had more pretentious names, as named by their previous owner- mostly well known scientists and philosophers[Archimedes, Newton, Nietzsche, etc]. most of the pigeons he named himself have biblical, jewish names [Mordecai, Elijah, Rebecca, etc]

-ludwig is absolutely never prim, proper, or orderly. if he is wearing a coat that DOESNT have blood and bird shit on it, wait 5 minutes and check again

-he has a tendency to hyperfocus on something and forget things like "humans need food and water to live". heavy usually helps him remember

-medic snores. loudly. and it sounds fucking awful. heavy is, sadly, a very light sleeper. it takes a loooong time for him to finally be able to sleep through medic's snoring, and it winds up being one of the only things he actually CAN sleep through. god help you if you step on a creaky board halfway down the hall, though, because heavy will wake up in an Instant

-if tf2 were in modern times, ludwig's music taste would include a Lot of kesha, klezmer music, black metal, and so on. its varied, is what im saying

-medic, pyro, and soldier all get along surprisingly well together, because they all have a case of "same brain? same brain!", all of them have issues dealing with other people and have problems with processing/understanding things, have trouble w/ psychotic episodes and the like, overall their minds are all wired oddly but somehow they can understand /each other/

-scout accidentally becomes medic's unofficial adopted daughter and thats a whole post and a half on its own. suffice to say medic would do anything for her

-engie, demo, and medic are all Science Gays

-medic also does his best to help demo with his Absolutely Massive Amounts of Trauma and Self Loathing, by at least being a supportive shoulder to lean on when demo tries to drink himself unconscious to forget it all. hes absolutely terrible most of the time at actually saying anything to help, but he can be a good presence, and he has birds. birds help anything

-he has a very casual fling going with spy, since early on in their time at the base. its usually in a state of "on-again off-again", with the latter usually having something to do with how spy acts with scout.

-obviously theres a lot i could say about heavy and medic's relationship, but to put it briefly- theres a loooong time where both of them are "i dont understand social interaction" gays.

-medic is the "i literally dont understand how to act around people im attracted to or that me being extremely overaffectionate around you is due to the fact that im falling in love with you, i dont catch your vague hints towards the fact that you feel the same about me because you literally need to hit me over the head with something in order to get me to catch onto it" gay

-heavy is the "i have spent so many years repressing so much of myself and keeping quiet and not drawing attention to myself, that i physically cannot bring myself to be up front about the fact that im attracted to you. im also afraid of misintepreting signals and i am instead going to assume your over-affectionate attitude is platonic and i am misreading things" gay

-eventually they figure things out and its good and soft and gay

ok its 3 AM and ive been writing on this for at least an hour and a half and i told Em i would go to bed by now dhgfkhhj 

[burgermiester]

spack-smack  Oh ok I feel like I should clarify that I didn't mean to come across as accusatory (for lack of a better term), I was just curious about your opinion since it's an old game I don't get to discuss very much. Also while I'm here I wanna gush about how much I'm looking forward to FFXII:Zodiac Age. I went to an ff orchestra recital where they did a ff12 medley and I dying to hear the music in-game again

Dont worry, I didnt feel attacked, I just realized how I probably came across differently than I intended and wanted to be clear. 

Nice! From my limited experience FF does an amazing job with their concerts.  You planning on keeping the original tracks or the remastered ones on while you play? 

(Im gonna tag @tokyotheglaive here too because we were chatting about this and I didnt get back to them with my thoughts)

I am very, VERY excited for the job system.  I know some people are upset that its a one-and-done deal with the jobs unlike other FFs with a job system where you can constantly switch around, but I guess since I am familiar with the international zodiac job system and have seen lps of it and just in general have gotten time to get used to the idea of permanent jobs and appreciate how deep each job is that I am very sold on the idea. 

My biggest conundrum is who to give which classes to.  I really like the idea of giving characters classes that seem to suit them best in canon.  Like Balthier and Fran would be Machinist and Archer (the gun and bow using classes, respectively, since those are the weapons they are typically depicted with) Captain Basch fon Ronsenburg of Dalmasca would be a knight, Vaan a thief (well, Shikari, but its the closest thing to a thief class,) and Penelo a black or white mage.  The problem is that leaves Ashe with no clear job associated with her.  Shes a Time Mage in revenant wings, wields the treaty-blade in theatrhythm, has high magic in the original XII but much better strength in International zodiac.  Its a mess.  Logically I should make her whatever mage Penelo isnt, because going through the game without a black or white mage would be terrible, but I just hate the idea of making her a caster because to me knights are so much cooler and knight fits her just as well and I think she deserves a frontline role in combat since shes more or less the main character.  But if I do that then I need to make Captain Bash fon Ronsenburg of Dalmasca something other than a knight, and thats just as intolerable to me.  Oh, why must I be so attached to this nonsense idea of the “right” classes? 

Sigh.

So yeah I am really excited for this game.