dearestsouleater

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #328 April 28, 2019 3:46 pm

Dear SoulEater,

You know what happened. Because all You did was watch. I dont know when, I dont know how, but after walking that dark road, I came out black as well..and I lost faith in You. Regardless, Im still here, talking and sharing what has happened. That is the least respect that I can give You.

So Im just going to share about what happened on my Manila trip. I went to Manila last April 24 just to get away from my loneliness and have a change of environment. Me and Scott planned on watching the Avengers: Endgame like how we watch films like a boss at SM Aura. I started vlogging this one as well coz I havent had a single vlog entry for 2019 and its high time I do one. So we met up, talked about a lot of things, caught up with some stuff and watched Endgame.

The next day, I met up with a good friend of my from Twitch, CrystalFries. We ate sushi, rode MRT to Trinoma from SM Megamall to buy something, got dragged into another mess that Im fixing right now and had milktea. It was fun and we really had a great time.

Third day, me and Joyce got to talk deep about what is happening with our lives. And I think it was one of the few moments where I opened myself up and became vulnerable. And I was thinking maybe it was a good move to go to Manila coz I really needed that conversation. We ate at Romantic baboy and invited Scott over and we ate lots of meat. Afterwards, we went home at our house with Scott and just hung out while I watch Black Mirror: Bandersnatch.

Today, I arrived at Vinzons. I was supposed to stay there like 2 more days but the HR of my new work called us in for Orientation on Monday that is why I had an emergency travel back home.

I know I have a lot of problems. Im a guy who loves making excuses, who overthinks a lot and complicate things. Im doing something about it, I really am. But the things Im going thru are essential. Going to a new work like Im a new born baby is scaring me like a lot. Im really scared. But I need to do it, I have to face my fears and demons. This is that time that I am now working for something that I want for myself. And that Manila trip was somewhat my clarity. Im scared because maybe Im not good enough, Im not confident with my skills, Ill be exposed to a lot of toxicity. But thinking the bright side of it, Ill meet new people, Ill be able to make my heart strong and tough, and it will be my gateway to my japan dream, and if not, other countries would be waiting.

Ive been saying this, Soul. All You did was watch. All that has ever happened to me was because of me, my success and failures, they were all me. You dont deserve the blame, as much as You dont deserve the credit for my achievements. I stopped depending on You because I dont want to be a weakling anymore. But if You really are there for me, then do understand that I dont need to have faith in You, I need You to have faith in me that I can do anything.

So watch me, like You always do.

Jim.

P.S.

Toughening this heart is hard. But Ill get there. In this cruel world, having compassion will always make you the loser.

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #327 March 28, 2019 5:27 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

Halu.. Well.. How do I start? I have a lot of things in my mind right now. But maybe this is all going to be a talk about myself. Actually, Li-anne and I had a conversation and it was about her and me. And she told me about the things she didnt like about and gave me some advice which I accepted. She told me I was full of excuses. I was also informed by her as well that I may be having issues with my elite friends, LSS. So I confronted them and we talked about it. After like 2 days, while I was at shower I remembered the 8th Naruto opening song called Diver by Nico Touches the Wall and it made me teary eyed a bit. Anime fans would understand that reference because of that video. Immediately, I thanked my pals for being there for me and that I knew better that I can count on them.

The issue regarding my return to public services has become more bleak and somehow it puts pressure on me now. I have bills to pay and livestreaming is not enough to pay those bills in the long run. I can still sustain as of now, but Im sure this sustenance will not last long.

Three months.. this period made me think of the stage I am now in Erikson’s Theory. Generativity vs Stagnation, and Intimacy vs Isolation. I am both in the bad sides.

One day, while I was supporting a streamer friend of mine, he suddenly played a youtube video about motivational speeches. At first I didnt wanna hear it coz I felt it was boring, but I gave it a shot anyway and listened all through out. One phrase struck me. “No more Excuses”. At that moment, I felt like I was slapped to my senses, like I was in a deep illusion that just got out after that hard hit. That night, it made me do some deep thinking. And maybe this is the uncomfortable sign Im waiting for. I dont want to be a loser anymore. I have to change, and it is not some petty change that I can only say in Day 1. It has to be a good perma change.

Me and Ate Cely, my mom had a talk this afternoon after I woke up. You know, I have an F’ed sleeping schedule. And she told me and reminded me of our plans. She was very willing to pause her house project so she could help me. I remembered I promised her a good life, that she wont have to borrow money again. And I dont wanna be a burden. We cannot totally rely on my brother anymore because he will be having his own family soon and my parents will only have me now. Destiny is setting me up to get out of my comfort zone now. I think Im ripe to get out to the world. So here is my plan.

I have already started working out again and changing my eating and lifestyle. I have a solid work out regimen that I think is working (my whole body is on pain due to the Monday and Wednesday workout). I need to start with my body if I want that good physical aspect for my working environment. As for my career path, I have decided to shift to a more sophisticated practice. I have served my community for 5 good years, but I think this is where it ends. Ill start getting hospital based experience and trainings to get myself the credentials that I will need for my arsenal when I go Manila. I have started looking at some local hospitals where I can start working this April. As for my livestreaming career, I will be letting go of this one as well. From a temporary fulltime twitch streamer, Ill be shifting to a parttime streamer and fulltime viewer and ninong to the streamers I like. That way Ill be in touch with my twitch friends and connections that I have established in that more than year of twitch experience. This will also give me the chance to be a fulltime gamer again. To play my games to my heart’s satisfaction without the pressure of viewers.

Soul.. You know me. I dont ask and pray for things from you. I work for them. But maybe just this one time, Ill ask that You give me courage and strength. There will be a lot of rejections and fear along the way. Just be there for me when I go through them. This is the leap of fate that they were talking about. This is the turning point. Help me.

Love lots,

Jim.

P.S.

Im scared and terrified as I am writing this. But they say, doing the things that scare you means you are doing it right and that you are on your way to something better. Im tired of being scared.  Let’s do this.

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #326 January 22, 2019 7:45 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

“Love does not change you, Loneliness does..“

That was my FB post this morning trying to reflect upon everything that transpired since December. Then this afternoon, after I have submitted my BIR Sworn Oath for Tax, I chanced upon Lara’s Coffee shop and decided to take my ultra late lunch there. I was eating this and maybe I might be feeling good now, so maybe it is high time to tell the story that has made me from an 2018 optimist to a 2019 pessimist.Yeah I know, Soul. It has been 6 long months since my last post, with lots and lots of things happened not being said. I have the memories in the form of videos at Youtube. It is there.

It all started December, where I was already forecasting the things I need to do for my transition to the same job but with better benefits. Like it always was, I had to endure the expectations and works of a teamleader, deciding on things and being responsible for them. I know for a fact that Ill be needing a lot of money to secure the new requirements set by the Civil Service for me to be accepted as a Casual Nurse under the Department of Health. I still have money, but the pressure was there, a very big cold and dark pressure. First is that we havent received our salary for November, and that it was December, meaning I had to prepare my gifts to my subordinates and of course, Lianne. With the budgeting I did, I can secure the costly requirements, but it will take toll to my plans with Lianne. I had to think long term and made sure that I secure that requirements for me to be financially secured until 2022. Me and Lianne were having some talks, and while she was planning, I was actually hesitant. Her plans involve expenses that are way beyond my capacity, she may have money for it, but I gotta consider where I stand after spending those. But in the end I agreed with what was initially planned and went on with my “Bahala na”.

Came December 21, it was our Christmas Party for the Department of Health. It was already stressful for me as being a Teamleader, I am responsible to a lot of things. And I am already in turmoil because of our ugly presentation since all municipalities are required to present a dance or whatever. Ours was not a presentation, more like an intermission number. That morning while I was having my preparations for that event, Lianne texted me and that conversation turned sour. She suddenly dropped the “As I thought” bomb on me. At the time I already saw what was coming. She was expecting that I have prepared plans for her on the coming holidays particularly Christmas. At the back of my mind I was thinking, didnt we had this conversation before, she already laid out the plans of what were bound to do, go to this fancy hotel and celebrate, after that go back to her apartment and be with each other, that was it. She was expecting more from me. Of all the times it would happen, why on that moment. We were still talking as I went to the venue of that Christmas Party masked as an Exit Conference. I was there the whole morning trying to juggle managing Lianne’s predicament with the problems I am facing on that event. Until she sent me a message that made me snap.. “Kahit hindi ka na bumalik”. I knew on that moment that that was it. That moment, I knew I cant keep going on. I understood that we cant make it work out anymore. I thought she was my partner for my battles, it turns out she was another battle that I had to win..and I felt so betrayed. I was just sitting there at my table, null and void with nothing but my fake smiles and just saying Im ok while people ask me why I was silent. I had to endure it for hours. And it felt like it was that day all over again, coz she gave back my money too. I dont even know what to feel and act them out. I just went home blank and staring after that successful Exit Conference.. Success for the event, disaster for me. I went home and acted like everything was ok and it was not. My parents even noticing it but I pretended that Im fine. They didnt know we already broke up on that day. I cancelled my reservation for the bus going to manila and had the money shifted to my mom’s reservation. Ate Cely asked me why, and I told them I was recalled for an emergency work on the 27th and 28th which was true. But I lied about the reason why Im not going to Manila anymore, it was because I had no more reason to go there. It was once again a long night..but it was never new to me. I have already faced the same event when she said she did not love me anymore, but only this time I had more resilience.

December 27, my parents had to leave for Manila because my father had to prepare going back to Saudi. I just didnt have the motivation to go anywhere, so I told them that I was recalled for work since it was an urgent matter and that it was a critical time for my appointment as a casual employee. And so they left me.. That time, a typhoon was coming in and that it was automatic for us nurses from DOH to activate Code White meaning we have to respond and report evacuees to central command. December 28 we already lost power supply and access to clean water, water was coming in too fast inside our house because they seep inside the cement, and I had to clean those areas the whole 24 hours. The next day, I stared at how black it was at my home..cold, dark and alone. I only had spare food to eat without the assurance that the faucet water was clean. That moment, I knew loneliness was killing me slowly. I have never been so alone at that point, that it made me think of a lot of things. But an unexpected event happened. My relatives who came from Naga cannot pass thru at the market going to their house as it was already in high flood, so they called me 11 pm that night to ask if they can stay at my house for the meantime. I was thinking that maybe it was You Soul that was giving me some light. So they came and stayed with me until the morning. They made me breakfast and then had to leave immediately to check the status of their own home. Maybe I got saved. Saved from feeling hopeless and alone. I went over to do my work to report any casualties of that calamity in our Municipality and had to live alone again.

December 31, current came back at around the afternoon and the relatives that I took in during the storm gave me Pizza from Shakeys because they knew I would be celebrating the New Year alone. There I was, only with myself and my prepared food before 12 am of January 1st 2019. I only had the pizza my relatives gave me, left over wine at the fridge and pancit canton while watching my friends from Twitch celebrate the New Year. I only had Se7en of HelixxVR with me during that time. I had no fireworks, I had no devices for making loud sounds, only me and my beating heart.

The whole of January was spent with me being all alone, doing everything by myself for myself, trying to survive and live. Our contracts are under abeyance due to some problems with the budget allocated with the Department of Health so what I have been doing in the past 3 weeks is just be at Twitch, stream, watch. It was during that time that I had a record high of 332 viewers, was able to pull off a 24 hr stream and got qualified for Twitch Partner. I slept 5 am almost everyday and woke up around 1 pm, missing my breakfast and lunch. I had nothing to do but stream and play. My November salary came, but it was all for paying the remaining bills and my December Salary is still pending.

Being alone for a long time turned me into something else. Maybe it was karma, or consequences of bad choices, but who is there to blame? Not Lianne, not everyone, not even You, Soul..only me. I decided not to talk to anyone about it. I just felt not doing it. I wanted this darkness for myself so I told no one about what I had gone through. I dont hate Lianne for what happened to us. I just came to realize that we have different end games. She wanted a grandeur life while I wanted a peaceful and simple one. She loved to travel while I only want to travel to just one place and that is Japan. We were different and it only needed sometime for me to accept that we are not compatible and that we are only bound to more stress and fights if we continued. I never talked about what happened to us at Social Media because it wont make me feel any better. I did not block her from my social medias as well because there is no sense doing it. I still see her posts, and maybe it was my way of self punishment.

2018 was a treasure chest of memories for me of her. It just so happened that December of that year became the Pandora’s box. She is currently happy now and I do pray to You Soul that you give her healing, and that she can move on peacefully, find someone that she deserves, not a loser like me who has nothing to offer as of the moment.  I still consider her a friend and acquaintance because Im not holding anything against her and I completely understand if she does not feel the same way I do.

I ate the last bits of my juicy saucy burger and finished it with my fries. I left with a face hoping that someday, I may never wish to ask from You that I rest..for good.

Thank You Soul, for everything..the blessings and lessons. You can still try and guide me while I try to live this tiring life. Give me something to motivate me to go on, yeah?

Love lots,

Jim..

P.S.

Funny that Jin didnt come out this time. Maybe he was confident Im getting through with this. I hope his confidence was right.

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #325 July 26, 2018 8:57 am

“ What I realized from Twitch. How fast you get friends, the faster you lose them as well. If you really want quality true friends, you really need to invest and give time to them, to get to know them. How Twitch works is that a viewer watches you for reasons and one of them is interaction. If that person fails to get that interaction from you, he/she loses motivation and interest, and eventually leaves your channel to look for someone else. That's why when I come back sa streaming, I will make sure each and every message on chat will be honored no matter how positive or negative it is.”

That was my post on FB last July 20, 2018. It was really nothing, but from that I realized such concept. What happened was in one morning, I went into a stream Im following and watched her for sometime. I started interacting with this girl streamer but she was not reacting or responding to my messages on the stream chat, and it made me feel like left out and ignored. I kinda got frustrated and told in a message that my time was up and it was nice meeting her. And that’s when I made that realization.

I also finished reading Bo’s Eight Secrets of the Truly Rich, and got some new lessons there, the others I already practice. It was nice that I read something of a literature after a long while although in PDF. I will start reading another lit called Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars so we can see some insights to the gears of men and women.

Another major event that happened was me and Lianne had another dispute. She got mad becoz I forgot her schedule which she mentioned Sunday morning. Then came the next day, she sent me a long email and it was weird becoz it was thru an email. So I responded and told her everything that I really feel. Probably in this relationship, I was really holding back becoz I was already afraid of Lianne. She has been showing a behavior that I cannot toil with that is why Im taking extra precaution when talking with her. But that monday, I just told her everything. And it kinda solved our problem I think becoz we tried listening to each other. 

This coming weekend, Ill be attending the AsiaPop Comicon and I look forward to having a great time with Biiii and my bestie Scott. --,

Love lots,

Jim..

P.S.

My one month off from Twitch will end soon, and I will have to work again on the technicalities and features of my stream. I did achieve a lot this one month break.

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #324 July 7, 2018 12:17 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

There are a lot of defining moments in my life, but 2 made a significant impact in my life.

The first one was when I was in high school, where we only had 50 pesos left, and I had to go to Daet to a project.

The second was when I heard that my mother had to borrow money from my aunt, and had to hear harsh words to get that 500 pesos.

Life taught me a lot, when we had no money. We saw its real value when we didnt have it. But it was just money. Family is Family.

One of the lessons in this journey happened a 2 weeks ago. We had to visit a barangay health station to evaluate its status and the health personnel managing it. She was resigning to get a more stable job. Her coworkers and subordinates loved her, and cried for her as we celebrated and ended the evaluation.

I asked myself, “Will they also cry when I leave?”

I asked my supervisor directly if he would do the same if I left. he said he would definitely cry. I looked into his eyes as he answered me and on that moment I knew I was significant. That my absence will definitely be felt if ever it happens. The lesson? I know I am loved at work by doing my best and being kind.

Today, Lianne called me, crying again. I cannot handle it in truth. I become weak when I hear her cry and sob. I want to be there for her. I wanna be with her but for some circumstances I cannot be there, but I wanted to. In this time of need, I have to always be there for her even though Im far away. I want to help her in the ways I can. I told Ate Cely about their family’s dilemma. We had a nice talk the rest of the morning.

“Its just money.“ My mom said. “Family is family”. They will overcome the challenge, she said. Lesson, they are not the only ones who suffer the same situation, and there are families who overcame the same situation. All will be well in the end, you just need to believe and be strong. And when it becomes too tough, there will always be someone to have your back, thats why you need to take good care of them and cherish them.

Love lots,

Jim.

P.S. I pray that they emerge victorious as a family. And I will be there for my biii.

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #323 June 26, 2018 11:02 am

Dearest SoulEater,

“I have a problem..”

Im starting my entry with that sentence. I do have a problem. But it is not just a simple normal problem. It is not something that can be solved by being positive. I am having an internal problem. A problem with myself.

I started noticing this during an event with Li-Anne. I was having a good time playing Warframe and though I did not mean to, I publicly shamed her gaming skills in a chat at Twitch and she saw it. I did apologize but she was so mad that I had to disconnect as I am getting annoyed with what is happening. I continued with my activities that day thinking what was happening to me. The next day, my monthly right eye pain started and I had to lie down at bed the whole day making myself unproductive. It gave me some time to think of what was becoming of me. And I am starting to get confused. The next day came and my eye pain still persisted. I had to endure it the whole day at work and at home, and for some unknown reason, I did not want to talk to anyone. I only responded when Im called or when someone needed something from me, but I never talked to anyone,  I never opened up a topic about anything. Came tuesday, I was fee ling better but still not quite well. I contacted Li-Anne after not talking to her for 3 days to clarify some things with her vlog. Then I streamed in the evening, only to be interrupted by a call.

Li-Anne called sobbinG. She was really crying hard to the point that it got me worried about her health. Too much sobbing will make her hyperventilate and eventually may cause her to have excess oxygen, and put her into a nervous breakdown. I never heard her cry like that before. And all I can say to her was to stop. I tried calming her down because I had a feeling that her crying was related to me. So I explained what was happening, and I mentioned something was wrong with me which I cannot explain so far. But I told her we didnt have any problems. She calmed down and started listening to me and I told her how I honestly feel about the past months.

It made me think once again. What was happening. My internal equilibrium was turning into chaos. I needed to sort myself out, clear my head, fix my life. So it made me decide to take a break from things, such as streaming for a month. Give myself the time to reflect and gaze upon who I really am. I never heard Li-Anne cry like that in the 5 years that Ive known her, and I dont think I can ever let that happen again, I cant take it if it happens again, with her or the ones I love and cherish. Im not “disconnecting” but Im just going to have a breather, to give myself the space that I would need to improve myself. I see this as a defining moment in my life. So I talked to Li-Anne about it and I am happy she was supporting me all the way. In the end, she is vital to what will be the outcome of this soul search.

The next day, I announced on my stream that I will be taking a break, and that I needed some time on my own to figure out things. I am actually surprised that people were there to listen to me. They were giving me their support and comforting words. And there I realized that an answer was in front of me. “You are not Alone”. They were there to see me as I am not a part of their lives. It made me remember that part of me which is human. I told them that although I may not be streaming, I will be supporting our friends on their respective streams. I am glad I have LAVA with me as well, my friends trying to reach out to let me know I have them. I made treasures which I know are worth more than my material things.

Last weekend, I woke up and was still thinking about things. I sat at our dining table and there was my mom doing things. We started to talk, and it was there I found another wisdom which I might have forgotten in the middle of my chaos. “Acceptance makes things Easier” 

Yesterday, I felt the day was really heavy and bad. Work, expectations and stress gave me a hard time to cope up, and all I can do was have a blank face, trying to know what I can do even though I already did a lot. Another bad event, happened, my mom forgot to pay our electric bill which made my day more darker. I had to go to Daet to actually settle it. But while I was thinking about a way to settle it, I remember papa J’s favorite quote.. “Just do it”. and it made me remember my hardships during the times I was taking my Masters degree. So I went to Daet, paid out bill, had spare time, bought paint, searched for alligaotr clips, and ate Jollibee food. I went home satisfied and stable.

I will be telling all the things I would remember and learn along the way as I venture in this break. I will finish everything that needs to be done and connect to people who I really need to connect. I will cut off everything which is toxic in my life and start improving it, to be better, to be deserving.

I know I am going to be fixed. So please help me Soul.

Love lots,

Jim

P.S.

Including in the break would be improvements of my contents for twitch and youtube, and also some real quality time with my Biii. Ill be starting that break soon after I finish building Gundam Meijimbo Ragna. -3-

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #322 June 4, 2018 5:57 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

Hiiii! I know this entry is long overdue and Im sorryyyy. Things are happening so fast to be honest but yeah, the progress of LAVA’s revival and expansion is going smoothly. But before that, lemme share first what happened on our escapade at Baguio City with Li-Anne’s family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wozfQXKbPxA - Part 1

Part one involves our travel going to Baguio city. My little girl Li-Anne is actually excited about this and so we traveled to Baguio via Victory Liner and reached the city by around 3 to 4 pm. It was nostalgic in my part, it was a long time since I came back to my father’s home land. There we did some preliminary sight seeings and enjoyed the cold winds of being up in an urban mountain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXpsz94hnW4 - Part 2

Well, part 2 is the actual Tourist Mode. I cant even believe we were able to visit a lot in one day, 8 am to 5 pm. But it was fun, and I enjoyed every bit of it with Biiii. Back then I knew that we are going to be a traveling couple.

The thumbnail vid is actually the continuation of Part 2, as it was already long and had to make a separate video for the 2nd half of that day. It was tiring but fun, the food, the adventure, it was all worth doing with Biii being beside me.

Nothing much in the succeeding days except our test runs and streams at Twitch, and there we grew out network not only in the Philippines but the world. We met friends from EU, US, AU and many more countries. We recently hit twitch affiliate and we have our very own discord server. I am happy with what’s happening with LAVA. All my efforts are paying off. Last June 2, we celebrated our 6th LAVA Anniversary and Twitch Affiliation. Check em out here:

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/268460256

Soul, I cant thank You enough for the blessings. I am sorry, if ever we were too happy that we forget You at times, but do know that we love You. Continue to guide us and bring us to our glory, where we can properly show the world our gratitude for You. -3-

Love lots,

Meijimbo aka LSS.CupKeyk

P.S.

Lots of content coming soon and I cant wait to share them. For LAVA!

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #321 April 12, 2018 11:54 am

Dearest SoulEater!

Hellooooooooooooooo! I missed my March entry and I am very sorry for that but anyhows, I have a lot of experiences that I wanna share thru my videos as promised Soul. Lemme go back to the March events then April. I have been very much busy with my youtube channel and struggling still at twitch but the community is growing and my videos are getting some views. I do hope the momentum maintains itself.

Last March 12, we celebrated Li-Anne’s Birthday. She requested that we spend it at Enchanted Kingdom and so we did. We then went to Nuvali at Laguna the next day to kill some time and see our properties. Hahahahaha, Im exaggerating but what I mean is the properties covered by our stocks from Ayala Land Inc. Here are the vlogs for those events:

Enchanted Kingdom

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OarcxAIlDlI

Nuvali Visit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QL4HJ80OWBs

As for April, that would be my surprise birthday adventures, which includes one of my bucketlist, an airplane ride. I did not expect to accomplish it sooner but I am happy, and very much glad that I did it with my Biiiiii. Here are the vlogs for those happy events:

Part 1 is there on top but just in case

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01AeM3J-Nbs

and Part 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU_PJAoOpfU

Supposedly, I was to attend my Graduation rites for my Masters Degree at Bicol University but it was moved to April 7, which happened to be my birthday and I have an earlier commitment on that day, so I wish my fellow graduates congratulations.

Soul, I have been too blessed, too blessed that I fear a tragedy is just around the corner. But I pray that You give me the strength to overcome these coming challenges. Im sorry if I sin, known or unknown, and please guide us, not only me, my family, people who love and are special to me, but everyone. I pray for peace, for harmony, for all of us to understand each other. Thank You for the blessings!

Love lots,

Jim

P.S.

I still have a travel on April 19-21, and that would be at Baguio. I am eggzoiteeeed!

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #320 February 26, 2018 9:30 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

Haluuuu. Feb is almost ending yet I havent done my entry for the recent events. haha. Really sorry about that. But anyhows, the latest of my vlogging shiz would be our post valentines/post anniversary/pre-birthday getaway at one of the most famous destinations in the Philippines, Calaguas Islands..which happened to be one of my territories. Huehuehue. The video will be doing the coverage for the island craze.

It was actually amazing. The experience. Ive been to Calaguas a lot of times, but never with my special people. I planned this trip for almost 2 months, taking precautions on the weather, prepared my budget and itineraries, that kind of stuff, and this was no ordinary trip. The trip not only represented my gift for Lianne, but it was also a way to impress, as Lianne’s mother and brother joined us alongside my mother. 

Feb 16, Lianne arrived at Camarines Norte around 6 am and of course I always make sure that Ill be at the terminal waiting for her arrival and always welcome her to her future home. We ate at Jolibee then went home to Vinzons for a quick rest. Afterwards, we had to travel back to Daet to rendezvous with Lianne’s mommy and brother, Tita Ehlo and Aaron. I was actually nervous for a bit since it will be the first time my mother and Tita Ehlo get to meet each other, not to mention they will be staying at our home. We rode back to our house with their car and the 2 moms finally met. Lianne’s words if I remember, was that they instantly clicked. I was relieved. All I need to think about that time was our Calaguas trip. Luckily, our family friend, ATe Joanne referred us to Sir Romel from the Provincial Capitol. They went to us for a quick meeting as to what will transpire going to Calaguas and the activities there.

The next day, February 17, we woke up early and had everything prepared. I felt the excitement and anticipation on the faces of our guests, specially Lianne, as she looked forward to that moment so much. We went to the port, which was a few kilometers away from our house. And the rest was history.

Soul, Thank You for giving me the opportunity to celebrate life with the people important to me. As of February 14, me and Lianne are dating again, and this time, making it work towards marriage. So much blessings are coming in, that its actually making me scared, because its always a balance, if good things happen, bad things are on its way sooner or later. Even so, please give me the strength and courage to face whatever challenges would come to test me. Continue to guide us please and I am always sorry for disappointing You on things. But I will continue living this life.

Love lots,

Jim

P.S.

This year was really meant for travelling I guess, as March and April, our birth months, are scheduled for another getaway. -3-

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #319 January 15, 2018 6:53 am

Dearest SoulEater,

Whoah there! Halu Soul. I know its been 3 months already since my last post. Believe me, Ive been trying to make this entry but I constantly forget about doing it seriously. Anyhows, super duper lots of things happened. From my first Christmas break outside Bicol to our mini Reunion. Ive been busy taking care of the LAVA Page at FB, making some video content but here I am, trying to make this now.

Last year was full of blessings and challenges. I got my Masters Degree, nominated as an Outstanding HRH for Camarines Norte, received lots of blessings and yes, money. I have a lot of things to thank for. 16 GB RAM for my new baby which I bought last December, got rehired for work with a nice raise. Blessings just kept on coming. But with those, challenges and stress also came along. More work, more stress, and it made me gave up on my HRH Teamleader role already. I really cant seem to lead, Im just designed to be the perfect follower. But All is Well, it may not solve the problem but it gives me the courage to face them.

The vlog will cover for my visit at Ozinefest 2017 and LAVA Reunion. Thanks again Soul and Im sorry if I ever disappointed you. Please keep on guiding us. I pray for my distant future to be super bright and full of potential. Lets rock 2018 again.. -3-

Love lots,

Jim

P.S.

Lianne will be arriving next weekend, gotta prepare nice and cook her some good food. huehuehue

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #318 October 7, 2017 8:53 am

Dearest SoulEater,

Hi! Ive recently uploaded a vlog of the recent event I attended. It was fun. The vid covers most of what transpired on my 2 day trip to manila. Ill be going back to Manila on December either at Ozine or Cosplay Matsuri so stay tuned. :3 Thank You for the blessings. Despite the lot of expenses that I have, resources keeps on producing and producing more to replace what I spent. Im sorry if I ever wronged you for any reason whether conscious or unaware. I hope You continue to guide me to my rightful place on this life. :3

Love lots,

Jimboy

P.S.

Lots of ideas and content coming up. :3

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #317 September 12, 2017 3:55 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

Halo! I have a new vid and its from the event I attended at Legazpi, called Ibalong Otaku Summit or IOS. It will pretty much cover everything that happened. Hihi.

Here is also the full vid of my make up session with LSS.TeddyBear aka Kirsten.. :3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcYVKNXW1Nc

I upgraded my diary blogs to vlogs as promised so I hope they are enough to cover the story telling. hihihihi.. If ever someother people would want to check out these vids, they can visit our Channel, youtube.com/jimdark91 and people may watch our stuff from there.

Thanks again for the Life, Soul. Please continue to guide us.. :3

Love lots,

Jimboi

P.S.

I have a lot of future content prepared for our channel, and from here on out, my dairy would be mostly vlogs. Stay tuned!

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #316 August 28, 2017 3:47 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

Heyya! Ill be sharing with you 2 relevant events that transpired recently, Rampage 2017 and Ibalong Otaku Summit 2017. This entry is going to be different since Im now planning on starting with my vlogs, so I made some practices and both events were my learning venues, thanks to ate Kirsten’s tips like montage and angles.

Dito muna bes. Thanks Soul, Ill be trying to cover as much events as possible. Please guide me. :3

Love lots,

Jimboi

P.S.

Were good naman. Sa Ibalong Otaku Summit, tama si Lianne, lahat ng babae na nainvolve sakin, nagconverge sa iisang event. Hahahahahah

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #315 July 10, 2017 11:02 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

Hi! I hope You are not mad at me for not being able to make an entry in the past 3 months. Yes, that was the influx of work, thesis and other matters but I survived.. But the best thing I will share you on this entry, would be about someone, who came back to my life. A woman from 5 years ago. 

A lot of events transpired since my last post. I was finally able to proceed with my final defense, have my thesis edited with the help of Maam Fe and Macky, and had it printed and hardbounded. Some celebratory works here at Norte and finally I can say now that I am Jim De Velez Baclili RM RN MAN. I survived that hardship. I persevered. So technically I am a semestral graduate, but I will have my graduation march in April 2018, and more or less if I am declared as an Outstanding student since I am able to satisfy the requirements to be one like having a GWA of 1.15, finished Masters in 2 years and able to get a Thesis final grade of 95 above, I will be forced to attend the graduation. Bottomline, I am Grad-Waiting.

Sometime around April, we attended Anigaiden 2017 just for fun, me and LSS. Its been a while since we attended an event related to our hobbies and preference. We wanted to see the new generation of cosplayers who joined the competition. We met up around  the afternoon and went to some places before going to the actual event at Peñaranda park, like at the art exhibit in the capitol where we saw Paulette and her BF, which caught Papa J by surprise. We then loitered around the premises but decided to watch a movie at Gai. Afterwards, we went back at the scene of the cosplay event and watched until it ended. Of course we took pictures.. :3

During the event, I saw a familiar face in an astounding costume. And as far as I remember, Flit was not in good terms with her. So I gave Flit a challenge, lets have a picture with her. I was thinking back then of fixing their friendship. I remember how broken Flit with an event with her which prompted him to leave her. So there, I initiated the plan and asked her from behind if we can have a pic together. She seemed surprised that I asked. Rather, she was surprised that it was me who was asking her. Its been too long since we talked, and seen each other. 

After that, the present LAVA members gathered up and jammed at Mcdo. We then went home, first accompanying Flit to his place, then Miss Ann to her escort home, then us.

A few days later, I was informed by LSS of the existence of Confession page made for Bicol Otaku people. So I made an entry with regards to my past and experiences as a cosplayer. To our surprise, an unexpected reaction post came. It was aimed at me. I carefully read what the post was about, only to find out that it involved a past which I already have moved on. The woman from 5 years ago. the post explained some things which I was not aware of, and honestly it sparked my curiosity. What was that all about, why after 5 years did that came up. So I responded to the reaction with the goal of exploring the issue, the feelings surrounding the response. On a sunday, she responded as well and on that point, I contacted her personally for us to settle the case once and for all. We talked, and serious matters of the past between us were tapped. I was thinking back then, that we are finally putting our history to a close. I was wrong. It was an event in preparation for something we did not ask or expect. It was a sure comeback. We decided to talk personally regarding the matter.

Nwei, June. Around June 1, me along with my fellow NDPs and coworkers traveled to Calaguas for work and leisure. We organized a Buntis Congress to service our pregnant clients from Calaguas islands. Afterwards, we stayed at the tourist spot in Mahabang Buhangin to enjoy the last days of summer before going home the next day.

All of the weekends of June I was at Legazpi to settle my accounts at the Graduate School so I can finally say Im a Masters graduate. On June 10, the date where me and the woman of my past decided to see each other. I prepared for that day, had my best semi-formal polo prepared, one of the few moments where I wore perfume, mentally prepared myself for the encounter. At around 3 pm I waited at the 3rd or 4th floor of Ayala Malls. I prepared my gear, probable things to talk about, my gesture and looks as I waited. But in the process, I told myself, lets make this natural. It would be best if the meet was spontaneous. So I blanked my mind and waited for her until she arrived at the cinema. Then I finally saw her. For a moment there I was stunned. No joke. I have never seen her in a get up so girl and feminine. Like I was looking at a side of the woman which I never knew. So I immediately approached her and said my greetings. At the same time I was assessing the time and weather since I wanted us to talk about the past in a serene place. So I told her that we talk at Lignon hill and risk it. I wanted a moment for that talk so I decided it would be at a place that she will never forget. We bought some snacks and then rode a taxi going to Lignon hill. We hiked and went up, talking about a lot of things, how it has been for the both of us in the past 5 years. We were both sweaty, somewhat tired, but smiling and happy. Honestly, I never smiled like that in a while. I know I was happy back then. We then arrived at the summit, where we positioned ourselves where we can see the whole of Legazpi. And that was where we actually started pouring everything. The past, the feelings, the what ifs, the regrets, the appreciation and gratitude. Everything was falling into their rightful places. Then came the things which made it memorable. The City lights, the moon. That night was magical, at least for me.

We were having the time of our lives that moment, and at around 7 or 8 pm we decided to descend and call it a night. On the way down, we were given a fireworks display at the Oriental, and it was on that moment that the words I will never forget were spoken. I was happy on that moment. And I was thinking what did I do to deserve such good things. We then decided to eat and ended up at the Yellow cab, that was my first time, and afterwards, I escorted her home. One thing I will always reminisce on that event, was how I was reminded of her hands. Because I was holding it, appreciating it, taking good care of it. It was the best night for me this year, as something as unplanned as that would happen and leave a beautiful stigma on my memories. It was an amazing experience. I felt that I was alive again.

The happiness did not stop there, as another unplanned date happened on June 17. This time we spent our time talking at Puro near Embarcadero. We were actually catching up to the lost years, the years we rejected each other due to unnecessary bitterness. We got to know each other better as we walked, I was able to know her deeper as we talked. I came to know things common people would not understand about her. I was privileged. We both knew back then that there was something. maybe we were trying to make up for our absence in each other’s lives. I admit, we were immature back then. A 21 year old guy to a 16 year old girl. Haha. Our experiences enabled us to explore each other’s thoughts maturely. It was again an amazing night and I delivered her safely home with a smile on our faces.

Weve been talking eversince. And we are keeping each other’s company then. We are good friends, and I am glad we were able to mend our rifts from before.

Soul, thank You for those. I did not expect those to happen. I dont even know if I deserve this. But still, thank You. Im sorry if I let You down sometimes but do know that I always care and think about You. Guide us, and lead us to our true happiness.

Love lots,

Jimboi

P.S.

I am again facing another challenge in my life, but having her in my life now makes the challenge so EZ. :3

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #314 April 8, 2017 9:29 am

Dearest SoulEater,

Hello Soul. Its been months since I posted an entry an I know You know how busy I was. Works and deadlines for DOH, my Thesis shinanigans and stuff. I celebrated my birthday yesterday and honestly its kinda different from the other birthdays I had.

Before on my birthdays, I just stay at home even if its a work day, but yesterday I checked in and gave service. Im now 26 years old and have accomplished a lot on those years. So maybe as time goes by, my birthday simply becomes plain and solemn. After work, I went to one of Your temples and prayed.

Afterwards, I went to Lola’s place to visit her. Its been ages since I last saw her and she’s starting to weaken due to old age. I came while my mom buys pancit and ice cream, and went to Lola’s room.

All I saw there was the mother of Ate Cely, frail and weak, cannot move and is very slim. I looked into her eyes and saw life as it is. She looked back, despite her severe Alzheimer’s and I know that she was ready to meet You in person. On that point I understood life a bit more. Death gives Life meaning. That was one of the lessons being studied on Jroy’s fake death prank last April fools. And I came to understand that more by meeting my Lola, who was waiting for the end. My mom and Tiyas are taking good care of her, so on her departure she was well cared for until the end.

Soul, I still have a lot of questions in life, and Im moving on for the answers. I still dont know what my purpose is in all honesty. I know what I want but I am definitely made for something. I am 26 years old, and I want to continue my mission. I will meet as many personas as I can meet and come up with an understanding of myself and life. Thank You for another year, and I do hope You continue to watch over me and us, and all of the world.

Love lots,

Jim..

P.S.

A lot of People need You Soul more than me on my birthday yesterday. Some of them are from Syria. Please do not forsake or leave them. Let them know You are still with them.

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #313 January 9, 2017 11:29 pm

Dearest SoulEater

Hello! Im able to make an entry today because I still have some spare time to share. And I want to narrate what has happened in the past 7 days, my travels to Legazpi to my unexpected adventures here in Manila. Yes, I am in Manila. :3 Lets start with January 3. The pic above is a shot during my meet up with Lianne at BGC. It was somehow unplanned but this was the major reason why I went to Manila. To talk to her on some things.

January 3, I decided to go Legazpi to settle some issues regarding my thesis. So I travelled to Legazpi and arrived around 1 pm. I first went to Maam Belgica, then to Maam Binalingbing where I met up with Papa J and a surprise from Lianne, then a quick visit at Grad School then went to BUCIT for Sir Amano using Lianne’s car. Afterwards, we then decided to have some fun. We chose to eat nachos at the seaside front in Puro but ate a different order instead since it was not available, then rendezvous with Migz. After that we went to Gaisano to walk and talk, played for a while at WoF then went to Ayala to buy donuts at J.Co. We had some nice conversations, then had some nice time at TimeZone. By 6 or 7 pm, we went with Jroy back to the terminal since he has to go home and prepare for the DOH Exam for NDP. Me and Lianne went to SM Hypermart to buy the things I need and afterwards, I was accompanied to Sampaguita Inn. I also made some quick rundowns on my online responsibilities and gave Papa J some pointers for his exam before going to sleep.

January 4, I settled some score with NBI and then went to BUCN to wait for Maam Fe because I missed a signature. Ended up waiting for nothing so I decided to pay my debt to Ashley so we went out at Khalil’s with Jroy.

Afterwards, me and Jroy tried hunting maam Fe, but to no avail so we decided to go to a new gaming grounds, called TRG. There I was happy to see female MOBA gamers playing like the guys. hahah.

While draining some time at TRG, Jroy saw a post regarding a movie showing in Bitchara for Assassin’s Creed. We immediately went to Bitchara to watch AC and had some great time. Lianne also said they were going to watch a movie but we already went inside first, Lianne and her cousin watched Passengers. Mind You, we watched 3D.

After watching, we went to Ayala to kill some time and talked some serious stuff about our lives and our plans. Lianne then came to Ayala along with his cousin, and I was informed that her family will come as well. I decided not to show up to Lianne’s family since I feel like a different person when I meet up with them. Its like I have to wear a mask and pretend to be someone else so that my image would look good. And I dont not like that feeling thats why I didnt show up to her family. We then parted ways and went home afterwards.

January 5, I travelled back to Camarines Norte around 8 am and arrived around 2-3 pm. I first went to DOH to confirm for any news regarding our renewal but Maam Lyn said there isnt any news yet or even guidelines. Then I was contacted by the PoGo players of Daet since it was Ate Nhessa’s Bday. I just delivered my contribution then went home since I had a lot of things to do. When I arrived at our house, Jett informed me that he has an emergency travel to Manila due to the call from his company. Meaning I will be left alone for the weekend. So I was thinking, maybe I can use the opportunity to go to Manila, relax and have some great time, and maybe meet up with Lianne. I mean I do wanted to have a nice talk and hug with her. So I decided to go to Manila, had my seat reserved and left Norte around 8 pm, arriving in Manila around 4 am of January 6.

As for January 6, after ariving at the Superlines Terminal, Jett and I had a quick breakfast at the nearby 7-11 store and got myself a new Premiere condom, I just dont know if I already have one so I still bought it due to doubts. It was the last one anyway. Then afterwards, we travelled by commuting to Tomas Morato, something which I am familiar with. And from there, I had my first Pakyu with my sis.

I decided to watch Collateral Beauty on this day and asked for Scott’s company so yeah, we went to SM Megamall and it was the first that I travelled in Manila without relying on the Grab App. A proud achievement being a guy from the province. We did not make it in time in the screening at the Megamall so we went to SM North via P2P bus which got suspended on the next day and watched Collateral Beauty around 6 pm. Before watching, we had some nice jams and played Pokemon Go on that area.

 The film was amazing, what do we expect, that was Will Smith. I get to widen my perspective on Death, Time and Love. Even as we go home, me and Scott were discussing about the film because it was that amazing. Then I went back to Tomas Morato by commuting and arrived safely.

Well, from here I actually forgot the details of my travel. What I remember is that I travelled to Manila to catch up with Lianne and that’s it.

I had to put a finish to this entry since its been lagging for 3 months now, and I have to make my birthday entry. so yeah. :3

Love lots,

Jim

P.S.

There is no P.S. -3-

[dearestsouleater]

Entry #312 January 1, 2017

7:17 pm

Dearest SoulEater,

Hey there. Its been 3 months since my last post. Im sorry I cannot find time to share You my stories in the past months. I know its not an excuse but I felt the exhaustion from the daily activities and duties that I have. I was too tired to make an entry, I think to a point that Im too tired to make an entry. A lot of things have happened, stressful ones to tell the most. Its the first day of the year 2017 and all I can do now is ask for forgiveness not being able to share what Im supposed to share.

All this time, Ive been trying to survive, not to live. I dont blame anyone, maybe it was Your call in the first place. All I can do is accept. But deep down me I am sad. Tired. Maybe because my family isnt my motivation. I dont have any other special people to dedicate myself to. I cant make Lianne that person since we made it clear that we should remain as special friends. We cant risk hurting each other in this dire times. I cant find anyone. I guess Im depressed. I ended 2016 with a wondering mind. This year Im planning to find myself again. This too much carrying of responsibilities with no regard to self has taken its toll on me on a psychological and mental level. I do hope You would guide me in this journey. Until the end.

Love lots,

Meijimbo..

P.S.

I hope for a great year, and I do hope 2017 would bring me closer to understanding life.