#i didnt even get to do anything for the holidays with ANYONE because i was sick

[silvertiefling]

*starts laughing nervously* i'm not the type to usually let my drafts (20) and asks (14) pile up..... but alas..... this sickness really got me huh............ how d'y'all not stress out about this tf,,,, i usually answer things quickly but lately i cannot,,,,, y'all are so strong for not having a nervous breakdown at bigger numbers than this fdkgjhghd this is the most ive had hoarded since, well, ever.....

[nrdmssgs]

Sleep, my brother

Masterlist

Nikto befriends reader at their darkest hour. Angst, hurt/comfort TW: mentions of depressive episodes (no descriptions), swearing AN: I had this idea for a while now and a friend of mine, to whom I wanted to dedicate this one-shot, made an incredibly beautiful, striking and sad songfic with Nikto. So it was my sign to finally get on with it. I won't tag a person, to whom I owe this, because this is quite personal, I'm not sure, they will be happy to see their name here. I love you, I wish it didnt hurt so bad.

Cold wind reaches the old table and steam over two cups of tea shutters and leans to the side. You don't react and keep tracing cracks on the oilcloth with your finger, not caring about grease and dust.

One should have start worrying, when a big figure covered with a strange concoction of gear appeared at the stair hall next to their flat. Or when that figure froze right in front of their flat and reached out for a doorbell. Nobody in their right mind would let him in.

But you did. At this point, you didn't care about an obviously military animal lurking around you. The last bits of self-preservation instincts died long ago, when you made the plan and rented this flat for the New Year's holidays. A man standing at your threshold with a few guns and knives, sleeping in carbines scattered around his gear, wouldn't change anything. Or maybe he could lend you a bullet in a spirit of festive celebrations.

You chuckled to your own thoughts automatically. You got no more smiles left, no more laughs, but this lifeless shadow of a sarcastic reaction was still there with you.

He said, it will take him only fifteen minutes, asked you to wait in the kitchen, wear your headphones, watch anything on your smartphone. As if you were that naive and didn't understand, what a guy with a sniper rifle can seek on a top floor of a nine-story block of flats.

This was a strange evening: once you started bringing your plan to life - everything went weird. First, your rented flat turned out decorated for the New Year celebration. The landlord must have thought, you were planning to celebrate. There was a tiny Christmas tree in the bedroom, a plastic faded garland and even a "Happy 1995!" poster right from the past. Then there was this guy... You knew, your home is turning into a crazy place, but never thought, killers, the guys from 90-s TV will come out this fast.

Even your childhood memories of endless bandit-series couldn't prepare you to this encounter. What one does, when a killer uses their room as a sniping position? Runs? Calls anyone? Writes a funny twitter thread?

You were out of ideas, but more importantly - you were out of fear or any emotions at all. So you found cups and teabags in a kitchen drawer and made some tea. There wasn't much thinking behind it - your plan was far too important to try to do the right thing with this guy.

Fifteen minutes turned into thirty, then into fourty-something. You sat with your back facing the kitchen door and watched distant windows turning blue each time one scene of the festive concert changed for another. Everybody was watching the bloody concert today. And in an hour or so your hometown will turn to you, light up a thousand suns of TVs, look at you with myriads of copies of the same face with the darkest holes instead of eyes. "This was a tough year..." will it chant deep in your brain. You won't even need to hear the damned voice to know, exactly, what he tells.

But that won't happen anymore, because this will be the last-

"We are out." A hoarse voice right behind you drags you back to reality. In this time, he spent in the next room, you forgot, that the man speaks so strange. One accent mixes with another, the constant 'we, us' as if there was an army behind him.

"Ok." You don't turn back, just drag an ashtray closer to you and pat your pockets absentmindedly.

Your lighter clicks a few times in an absolute silence. He did just tell you, he's heading out of your place, didn't he? After taking the first smoke drag, you turn back and meet his blizzard gray eyes.

"Waiting for someone?" He points at the second mug. You wish he didn't wear that stupid mask, so that you had a chance to read his face and understand whether he's just confused or grows irritated.

"It's for you. Must have run cold already. Forget it."

The man ignores your last words and squeezes between your chair and the kitchen counter. He unfastens the belts holding his mask and moves it to the side, revealing a black balaclava under it. He takes a mug and looks around while you try to contemplate, what is actually happening.

"We didn't do anything there. Shitty intel. The target didn't come."

"You won't..." You don't know how to ask this, and just tap your hip at the same place where he has a handgun carabiner.

"I am many things, but not a butcher." It's the first time, your guest refers to himself as "I", but you mark this fact just with a tired sigh.

"You're... Disappointed?" The man takes a sip from his mug and catches your palm before you take another drag of your cig.

At first his gaze is cold, irritated, disgusted even. He pulls your cigarette from your fingers, brings it closer to his face, inhales your smoke and returns you the stub.

At first his gaze is cold, irritated, disgusted even. He pulls your cigarette from your fingers, brings it closer to his face, inhales your smoke and returns you the stub. And then his eyes soften and grow worried. As if he realizes something.

"Nobody's coming to celebrate with you?"

"I'm fine with that. Nobody is a way better option than..." You motion towards the window, uncertain if he can even understand, what you meant to say.

For a few minutes, silence wraps your kitchen. Only distant echoes of fireworks and the monotonous humming of the elevator engine muffled by the flat walls accompanies you two. Then he speaks again.

"We are staying with you."

He's not even asking. And that was not a part of your plan.

"No need, I am not celebrating really-"

"What are you doing then?" He cuts you off, completely ignoring your attempts to be polite.

In a desperate attempt to get rid of him, you mumble something about being tired and just planning to go to bed, but it's as if he doesn't hear you. In a few gulps, he finishes his tea, takes his guns and knives off his belt and puts it all on the refrigerator.

"So that you don't worry. We won't do anything stupid," he comments, and you don't bother noting, that the guy is so massive - he can snap your neck with his bare hands, so 'anything stupid' can happen without guns even.

Lastly, he takes the rifle off his shoulder and sets it down in the far corner without looking. A plaintive twang of strings rings in the kitchen, and you instinctively turn towards the sound.

A cheap guitar with a crooked neck - he must have hit it with the butt of his gun, hides in the dark corner. You two don't ask each other, don't share a single word. He just takes it, you light another cigarette and wet your throat with a cold tea. He tries to tune it and start playing. Nothing special, random melodies.

Little by little, you realize, his weird mix of accents must have an origin somewhere around here. Even though, he doesn't sing - you recognize the melodies, he plays. These are the melodies from your childhood. You listen and forget about time. For a short moment, the world narrows to this little kitchen, and feels somehow cozy.

Somehow bearable.

But then he starts playing one particular song, that you vaguely remember, and when you recognize it - the sound cuts your found peace like a razor blade. The man must have noticed your darkened face, because he stops abruptly and looks at you.

"Bad memories?"

"No, I liked this one back when it came out. It's just the guy, who sings it - he went mad." You look past your guest's shoulder, outside, at blue lit windows. "They all are going mad lately."

The man looks in the same direction for a few seconds and then turns back to you.

"Talking to furniture? Listening to the voices in their heads?"

"Talking to butchers," you say that in the most plain voice you can muster, but the lump rolling up your throat is still apparent, "Listening to butchers. Becoming butchers."

You realize that this probably sounds pompous and expect your guest to laugh. But he remains serious. And then something unusual happens: for the first time this evening, he switches to another language: your language.

"Obizhayut tebya tut?"*

Yes. A lot. So fucking much, you don't have any strength left. It hurts so bad, you just wish this all to end. Any way possible. Just make it quick.

But that you can't tell anyone. Not even to some strange man, that a decent person should be afraid of. So you just wave your hand uncertainly and mumble.

"Da kto menya tut obidit..."*

Nobody in his place would hear how much pain hides behind this little lie. But this man hears.

He puts the guitar aside, stands up and touches your shoulder after leveling with your chair.

"You need to sleep. Let's go."

"I need to..." He squeezes your shoulder softly and you grow silent. The turbid, dark-red air outside the window gets colored by bright sheaves of sparks and the cannonade of New Year's fireworks reaches you. Its midnight. And despite everything, you're still here.

Maybe because this whole evening is so surreal, maybe because the last few years felt like a drenching nightmare, but it feels so easy to go sleep on a sofa in a rented flat on a New Years night with this strange man guarding you. He sits in the corner, making sure, you have enough room. His hand runs softly over your shoulder, pets your head, fingers draw little circles between your shoulder blades. You almost fall asleep when he speaks again.

"We liked that song."

"Me too. Liked many things until lately."

"You know what?" He looks down at you, and you notice, there is no coldness left in his eyes. His gaze is still intense, but the blizzard is not roaring there anymore. "Fuck that shithead. It's our song now. We own it. You and... me."

You feel sorry once again that you can't see his whole face, so his expression remains unreadable. But his voice sounds dead serious. So you nod in response.

That night you drift to sleep to the stranger humming a melody from your childhood. He was a threat, a guest, a strange encounter. He was many things, but wasn't a butcher. Because he made sure, the next morning came.

"Obizhayut tebya tut?" - Anyone brings you trouble here?

"Da kto menya tut obidit..." *Nobody would dare/be interested in that.

[pumpkinsy0]

since we don't really know anything about the curtis' extended family i feel like that means that the brother's parents weren't close to them and of course there has to be a reason for that (and if there isnt lets just pretend there is) so could we get some hcs for somehow all of them getting together to celebrate the holidays and they learn that reason?? whatever it may be (also get the shepards in there because i looooooove them, perhas even some little things of them defending the brothers for whatever reasons)

rubbing my hands together i was actually thinking of something like this earlier

•lets say the reason y the curtis parents arent close to their own is bc mrs curtis was a soc who got w mr curtis (who was a greaser, duh)!!! her parents aint approve and they ran away, andddd thats how the curtis parents ended up where they were

•mrs curtis said they never saw her part of the family bc they were too far away, while mr curtis said his part of the family were dead (and he was kinda right, he meant they were dead to HIM but now a good portion of that family IS actually dead, whoops), non of the bros rlly questioned it nor did they have a HUGE curiosity for visiting em, just something they never questioned

•howeverrrrr, mrs curtis’ family did know about pony, soda, and darry, bc mrs curtis sent some pics of the family bc she did always miss them, but they never responded to those letters, untillllll

•one day!!! darry found a letter from their grandma, for their mom!! it was around the holidays and she was wondering if she wants to come over w the family (begrudgingly mr curtis too) to celebrate it w the family after years being apart, and darry just, didnt know how to react to that

•he didnt immediately tell soda or pony, he would just reread it over and over, wondering if he should respond, and if he did how the hellllll was he gonna tell her she died years ago,,,,

•when darrys in doubt, he confides in tim cause he thinks tims the closest hes gonna get to someone understanding how he feels and hes not even wrong!!! a drink w tim is like darrys therapy, but this time all tim could do was listen, this situation too fucked up even for him😭😭, all he said to darry was that theres no wrong decision for him here, he was forced into it, so whatever happens, he tried his best w what he was given

•since the holidays were approaching, darry realized he would have to tell pony and soda about this too, he feels its especially unfair for HIM to decide for all of them, shes their grandma just as much as she is his after all

•now for soda, out if the brothers hes always been the most curious about meeting his extended family, but finally having that chance and the context behind y theyve never seen em, i cant say hes saying a straight up “yes” to this, he wants to go but its not gonna b the way hes been hoping for, for years, so would it really b worth it??? would they b accepted even if theyre greasers???? this could fuck up his holidays for the next few years depending on how traumatizing this is!!!

•ponys just like darry, hes not saying no, but also saying yes either, hes so on the fence about it. of course he’s learned not to judge soc’s, but this is so much more personal and TIED to him, is he mentally ready to face on all this bs???? he dunno

•pony remembers the multiple times his mom said he looked just like his grandma and would stare at him, and he could see darry staring the same way at him, it kinda freaks him out and makes him feel bad, he cant look darry in the eyes</333

•he opened up to curly about it n curly was crackin jokes, he cant take not SHIT seriously 100%🙄🙄, BUT like tim, he did have just one thing to say, ur not obligated to do it, dont base this off of ehat ur parents wouldve wanted, do it how U do

•feels like this would also mean that if ppl found out about the situation, they would see the curtis’ as “lesser greasers” bc in their eyes, they were greasers by choice, but anyone who questions the curtis’ identity shall b beaten or intimidated by one of the shepards and their goons

[fatesmono]

valentines day with yoongi

✮⋆˙ warning : some language + i haven’t written in half a year so.

✮⋆˙ this is an “x reader” so yk insert gender <3

✮⋆˙a.n : so todays valentine’s day (its the 13th at 11:59 posting this, great job me :3). so happy valentines i guess. i’m spending it celebrating jaehyun's birthday and writing abt my husband who’s in the war. i haven’t written in like, six years (six months) so pls go easy on me 

✮⋆˙enjoy loves <3333 happy valentines day !!

i never liked valentine’s day. it was always a stupid ass holiday if i do say so myself. am i saying that bc i never had a good valentine ? …maybe so, why are you so nosy ?? anyways, that was before i met him, min yoongi. i never met a man who says he hates a holiday so much but also goes all out for it. our first valentines last year i expected him to not really get me anything or like a bouquet of flowers since it wasn’t that much…i got a bouquet alright, like seven of them (he had said he didn’t know which one i would like so he just got me all of the ones he thought i would want), plus a shit ton of chocolate and just little things like one of his hoodies and this ring i had been eyeing for like months beforehand. so much for “valentines day isn’t really my thing” right ? all men do is lie, even min yoongi.

okay but anyways, here we are now, a year later. i wanna prove myself this year, i refuse to be out-valentines’d by him, no matter what that takes. now just one problem, he’s rich, i work at a coffee shop. shit, i know right ? but we will make it work i don’t care. 

so have i had this planned out for the last two months like a gta heist ? yes. but i NEED this day to go perfect. did it ? NO. NO IT DIDNT. first the necklace i got him with his name won’t be ready until the 17th, and then the kiss hoodie i was working on for him GETS BLEACHED SPILLED ON HIM, curtesy of our cat, johnny, and then; if it wasn’t going awful anyway, the cupcakes i made for him burned. and i’m going to his studio as we speak…this is my thirteenth reason. so right now all we have is his favorite flowers, a bleached hoodie with my kisses and a book of poems i wrote for him, sigh. SIGH. and if it didn’t help, he already gave me half of my gift before he left and it’s ten times better. A ROSE GOLD NECKLACE, he got me a rose gold encrusted with the sun because “i’m the sun to his moon”, he makes me wanna bash my head sometimes from how sweet he is. 

so getting to his studio, the definition of “shaking in my little boots”. i can hear him practicing his music from outside his studio, it’s like walking into beethoven working on smth if beethoven was your 30 year old idol boyfriend for a kpop group, if that makes sense, which is doesn’t so. anyways, i put in the code for his studio (it’s our anniversary, excuse me while i cry.) and quietly walk in to not disturb him, which isn’t that hard since he has tunnel vision as he invented it, and quietly tap his shoulder gently to get his attention. he turns around, taking off his headphones and noticing me with a small smile on his face, which might as well have been a kiss from him then and then. 

“hey love, happy valentine’s day, what are you doing here ?”, god why does he have to have such a perfect voice; it’s like he doesn’t even have to try. i go on to give him to give him his gift and try to explain that i had much more to give him and i knew it wasn’t enough to give and- and he cuts me off. good job if i do say so myself because the yapping i do, i could win a medal. 

“honey honey, this is perfect…you didn’t even have to get me anything, and you wrote me poems…that’s like writing me a song, this means the world to me. you remembered my favorite flowers, and this hoodie..i don’t think i’ve ever gotten a gift like this from anyone before, not even the guys. thank you so much…”, and my heart just turns into a puddle then and there. all my worries gone in a second, how does he do it ? he really should’ve become a therapist in another life, but i guess he does that with his music. but anyways, did i expect him to like the gift ? absolutely not. i did try to pay for dinner that night and he still didn’t let me do it, saying it was “an extra gift” as if i needed anymore gifts. remind me next to try and not outgift a rich idol who’s secret love language is definitely gift giving. 

i’m still getting next years gifts ready anyways. i’m so winning next year, i don't care.

[piratefishmama]

venty vent

genuinely baffled at my mother sometimes. She's just been on holiday, had my sister look after her dogs for her while she was away and immedaitely upon returning found out why nobody should ever ask my sister to look after anything.

she trashed the house basically, out of my siblings, she is quite literally the messiest bitch out of all three of us, like i can be a lil chaotic but BOI, that woman left a full bag of dog shit at the top of my mothers stairs, thats how messy that dumbass is.

My mother, wants to go on holiday again next year, which fair enough, we could all do with a holiday, keep in mind this holiday cost me nearly £400 that she's still yet to pay me back, has ruined my whole time off work cause i now have nothing left to entertain myself with.

she's asked me to look after her dogs next time.

i've said no.

Because not only do i have my own dogs to look after who would probably starve if i left them that long, and i have a dad who literally can barely walk, an would also probably starve himself if i werent around, but where she lives is a dumpsterfire i want no part of, and NONE of her dogs are house trained in any way shape or form.

But here's where the chaos begins.

my mother doesnt like being told no. It's a lot of "AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU, DONT ASK ME FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN" BLAH BLAH BLAH etc. etc.

only. i dont ask anyone for anything. i've long since learned i dont get anything even if i ask for it, so I dont ask.

At this point, I would have straight up forgotten half my family existed if they didn't call me asking me for shit.

i dont ask for things.

The last time i genuinely asked her for something, was when i wanted someone to go with me to speak to a doctor about my depression getting worse, and she fucking forgot. I was waiting in the carpark for 20 minutes for her to turn up, she'd forgotten.

i get asked for my time, my fuel, my effort, my food, but mostly my money, i have to wear my clothes and my shoes down to TATTERS because i'm never sure if i'll have enough money each month to cover myself because inevitably, she will once again ask me for money the second i've spent something.

saying no isnt possible, she just asks, and asks, and asks and asks and pushes and pushes and pushes, and i'm just too tired to say no.

an if i do say no, i'm never sure whether or not she'll just refuse to pay phone bills she owes me because she's taken out phones in my name.

hell i didnt even ask for a souvenir from her holiday! i dont WANT anything from her, i dont want anything from anyone! I just wanna be left alone.

she'll conveniently forget all about this little tantrum the next time she needs money. i can guarantee it.

[moonaged-moony]

So.. I wrote a little jegulus thing loosely based off the song Alley Rose by conan gray.. Enjoy :)

warning - heavy angst!!!

As soon as James got off the phone with Regulus, he was in his car. He was probably going over the speed limit, but he couldn't care less.

Regulus had called him, asking him to run away with him just for the night. And of course James had obliged. James would run away for good if Regulus asked him to.

He pulled up to the corner store and saw him standing there. His eyes were red, and his lips were torn. It was clear that he'd been biting them. He still looked beautiful even in this dishevelled state.

Regulus got in the car without a word. He barely even glanced at James. He didn't ask any questions, even though he had many, he just drove. He knew it would be a sore subject right now for Reg, he didnt want to push it.

They pulled up at his parent's holiday cabin and got out of the car. He opened the door and held it open for Regulus. As soon as it was closed Regulus pushed him against the wall.

"Regulus?" James tried to speak but he was quickly cut off.

He felt Regulus's fingers around his neck as he pulled him into his desperate breath.

The way he was kissing him, hard and fast. James couldn't get enough. But he had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, like this would be the last kiss he ever shared with him.

Later that night, as they were pressed up against each other in James's bed, he couldn't shake the feeling of dread.

They still hadn't spoken about why Regulus had needed to get out of the house. Why he practically begged James to run away with him for the night.

James didn't want to sleep. He had a horrible feeling that when he opened his eyes again Regulus wouldn't be there. He could hear Regulus breathing. He knew he wasn't asleep yet.

"Reg, you won't leave me, will you?" He whispered in his ear.

He didn't receive an answer.

"You won't leave me alone again will you, love?" He could hear the desperation creeping into his voice.

Still no answer. Why was he ignoring him? The knot in his stomach tightened.

After a few hours of trying to get to sleep, his eyes finally drifted closed. When he awoke, Regulus was still next to him. He let out a breath of relief.

"Regulus, love, wake up."

He watched as his eyes fluttered open. He was so beautiful.

As much as he didn't want to push him, they needed to talk about why he was acting so strange. James needed to calm his worries. They got out of bed, and he made them both a cup of coffee.

"James.. I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"For everything."

But James needed him to be specific right now.

"What's on your mind?"

"Im just so nervous, mon soleil.."

"About what? You can tell me anything, love, you know that."

Regulus closed his eyes, and James could tell something was wrong.

"Regulus, I love you. You can trust me."

He doesn't say it back.

Why doesn't he say it back? Even when they were in an argument he'd always say it back. Even when he was in a tough place with his family, he still said it back.

So why wasn't he saying it back now?

It was as though he could sense James waiting. He looked up at him, woth those beautiful grey eyes. He saw the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Regulus?" He tried to keep his voice steady, but it came out shaky and broken.

He said he was nervous. Maybe that's why. Whatever he was worried about must have been bad.

Still, a small part of him wanted to scream at him to say it back.

When Regulus called him last night, that was the first they'd spoken in a year. But that was because his mother forbid him from speaking to anyone. When he left for home, he had reassured James that when he returned to him, nothing would have changed. That he would still love him.

He waited all year, practically begging at his feet to leave with him.

He waited. He thought, even after all this time, that he'd still love him.

"James.." He sounded so broken. James would do anything to fix it.

"Regulus, say it back." It came out as a sob.

"I can't."

That's what he was dreading. The words he was begging him not to say in his head.

"Why not?" He felt the tears start to stream down his face. He probably sounded insane, but he didn't even care.

Regulus didn't answer.

"Reg.. please, don't leave me alone again."

He played back all their memories in his head.

The first time they kissed. He'd an his fingers through his hair, and thanked god to touch the flame.

When he'd told him about his last relationships. How he believed necks were made for brusing. He swore lips were made for lies. And he thought that if Regulus ever left, that he would be the reason why.

When they'd started as just a summer fling. It was all experimental and he thought Regulus would prefer safer things.

He used to swear hands were made for fighting. He swore eyes were made to cry.

Regulus was the first person who proved that to be a lie.

He watched as Regulus grabbed his coat.

"Regulus don't leave me hanging alone again." He sounded hysterical now.

He followed Regulus as he walked out the door. He couldn't even hear his own voice anymore. He screamed the same thing over and over. Even after Regulus was far gone. He sat on the floor screaming at the sky until his throat felt raw.

He stayed in the cabin. He didn't answer anyone's texts or calls.

When he heard a knock on the door, a small pathetic part of him hoped it was Regulus. He hoped he'd changed his mind. That he'd come back for him.

It wasn't him. It was Sirius. Sirius who's cheeks were stained with tears.

Sirius who was holding a newspaper.

James took it with shaky hands, unfolding it and reading the headline.

It was all hazy after that. He heard his knees hit the floor. He heard himself screaming, but it felt far away. He felt his heart splitting into a million pieces as he replayed the headline in his head over and over again.

Regulus Black pronounced dead at age 17.

[jaegersmoon]

hello aims!

two days ago i came out to my mama as bisexual. although, i dont think she understood the meaning of bisexuality because she asked me if having a boyfriend before chnaged my view and if i still loved yoongi from bts LMAO.

anyway, the process was surely difficult and unexpected. i told her because she straight up asked me if i was a lesbian. i quickly told her no at first because i was nervous for her reaction but as soon as i said no, she told me, “ill still support you and love you no matter what!” with a smile so that gave me comfort and reasoning to just out myself to her. i asked what brought this up abd she was telling me she saw my tiktok reposts about loving my girlfriend. so i was like shit but i waited a couple mins before doing so then i told her and her reaction was far different then when she asked me. her face looked different and her attitude was different. she then told me im not mad at you and told me “i dont like it because of our religion” i was silent. i expected a hug of some sort or another “i will support you.” i didnt get that but whatever i stayed strong. she then kept saying she wasnt mad and she wasnt going to tell anyone. i was like okay and then the subject changed.

an hour or two went by, i was playing a game with my girlfriend (my mother doesnt know about her because after that reaction, i couldnt do it.) i received a message from my mother for me to think about liking girls and if thats really what i want basically. i was shocked. i didnt know what to do or say to her. i waited a couple mins as i cried and then i accessed the situation. i told her how im still me and how i understand that shes shocked, but saying this was super hurtful. she apologized, telling me she knows she cant chnage my feelings, but if me being gay was anything that she did or if i was raised wrong. i told her no and how it was never her or my dad because the both raised me great. she then proceeded to tell me shes scared and overprotective because theres hate in this world. i assured her im fine and always have been fine and even went on her level to explain that God would love me no matter what. that he loves all of us no matter what and she liked the message so i assumed she felt okay. she then proceeded to ask if i loved yoongi from bts still LMAO i was like girl yes!!!! she then told me how she wouldn’t tell anyone again and how if i ever need to talk to someone shes there for me. she said she would always love me and never abandon me then that was it.

overall, im feeling okay. somewhat embarrassed and regretful for telling her when i thought she would be fully okay with it! i still think shes still processing.. idk i cant fully be with her and think if shes mad or embarrassed to have me as a daughter. i say embarrassed because she told me she wasnt going to tell anyone because she didnt want anyone to say anything to her not like its their business. although i understand her view of oeople coming at her, it feels like shes embarrassed. idk it feels hurtful still. i just want to like redo my coming out moment😭😭😭 i never wanna experience that kind of feeling again. its also hard too because my girl loves sending me gifts each holiday so im likeHoldup.. now i cant even say its from a friend or else she will think its a girlfrienf which it is but i cant say that! im scared to even bring up the fact i got a girl. aims this is truly scary. idk what to do.

hi bb !! i wanted to say how proud i am of you for your coming out and i feel honored that you opened up to me about your situation. i’m sorry that this moment didn’t turn out as you were expecting and that you mom seems to be giving you mixed reactions on this situation that can be confusing. maybe give her some time to process and then answer any questions she might have bc it came sometimes be hard for people to wrap their heads around something they don’t fully understand. no matter what, never let her change who you are and what you love. again, im very proud of you and i am wishing you only the best in this world. you deserve everything.🤍

[allbeendonebefore]

sigh

this thing is stressing me the fuck out

i didnt realize it was already being advertised on the city's major tourism site and its not even printed let alone installed

when i dont feel sick to my stomach over it being public i feel this intense baseless anxiety that everyone hates everything i do both personally and professionally and that im going to be graded on this and the price is my entire future. i clench my jaw every time i see an email or a message come in and i have so much anxiety over the previous documents i can't even open them.

i've been feeling virtually nothing but shame, guilt, and perfectionism to nearly everything that i've created for the past 4-6 weeks and its so exhausting and getting worse because it bleeds into things like my ability to cook. And I feel like I throw all that feeling back into people's faces without meaning to and I can't stop myself.

i need a long holiday. but for that to happen i need this to stop dragging itself out and be over and done with. and for that to happen i need some help because i cannot do it by myself anymore, but i still feel guilty about effectively abandoning ship at the 11th hour mentally because I also can't bring myself to trust anyone or anything.

[eviltheleon00]

❤ BATFAM - What Halloween Costume Would They Wear?

. . . . . ╰──╮not a request just something i wanna do ╭──╯ . . . . .

𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔫𝔱: what halloween costume would the batfam members wear? includes bruce, dick, jason, tim, damian, alfred and barb(+a bonus of wally and commissioner gordon) 𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: none. please keep in mind that these are my headcannons, the characters are most likely very ooc.

words: 809

>: ̗̀➛ bruce bruce would be more casual during the halloween season, hes not a hardcore halloween fan now hes older but he doesnt hate it either. if it werent for his thousands of kids he probably would forget about it all together. as for a costume bruce would not want to wear one, despite having loads of costumes from his playboy days.

it didnt matter what bruce wanted though. his kids and alfred had all collectively decided to force him into one. when he eventually agrees to wear a costume its something simple and easy to get, a vampire or werewolf or something. (he trips over his vampire cape at least 3 times)

>: ̗̀➛ dick LOVES DRESSING UP. he goes all out every single year. he has planned, detailed costumes ready by june. he once repurposed his disco nightwing suit into an elvis presley costume. would have forced all of the batboys to dress up as the spice girls atleast once.

>: ̗̀➛ jason when he was a kid he loved the idea of halloween and dressing up. now that hes been resurrected and is older not so much. even though hes not as passionate about halloween as some of the others, he still dresses up every year because one time tim had said he was acting like bruce for not wanting to dress up. since that day he vowed to always dress up so he wasnt anything like bruce. death would be a kinder punishment then being like bruce in jasons eyes.

as for his costume he would do something he deemed cool. his favourite costumes are walter white, jesse pinkman, quentin tarantino or any of the characters from his current favourite book. an ex-girlfriend once convinced him to dress up as frankenstein and his wife. he was the wife. the whole batfam saw. he never lived it down.

>: ̗̀➛ tim tim likes halloween. he has a map of every house that gives our coffee flavoured sweets. takes damian with him as a 'bonding opportunity'. (he just wants all of the demons good sweets). his costume looks like it took him two seconds to find when in reality it took him at least a month.

his costume is something dumb that regular people dont really understand, but thats okay because he understands. has gone and will go to the halloween gala as a pot of coffee. he just has the costume in his wardrobe for emergencies.

>: ̗̀➛ damian acts like he doesnt care for the holiday but 100% does. at first he didnt understand it since he has never got to experience it while under the league care, why would people willingly give out food? and why would people eat it? what if it was poisoned? 

while he doesnt pay much attention to his own costume, he does pay attention to his animals. alfred the cat goes as a cow and bat-cow goes as a cat. no there isnt any relation to the costumes... why would you think that? it gets harder when damian tried to get a costume for goliath, hes very large.

he would never admit this out loud to anyone but he desperately wants to dress as batman. he has a lot of pride and admiration for his father and his heritage, bruce knows that, but he would never be able to in case he was somehow recognised. in the end he goes as ninja. he felt it was fitting.

>: ̗̀➛alfred he would go as lurch from the original adams family movie. he relates to the character and thinks hes a brilliant butler. the kids that are out trick-or-treating love his costume when he opens the door.

>: ̗̀➛ barb + commissioner gordon barbara loves to dress up in matching costumes with her dad and hes happy to oblige. each year they have a new costume planned, its always something cheesy like peanut butter and jelly or bread and butter. barbara takes great joy in going to the waynes halloween gala in the most cheesy costume ever in attempt to embarrass her dad. it never works, hes just happy to see his daughter having fun. (dick has forced her to wear a couples costume multiple times)

>: ̗̀➛ wally halloween is wallys favourite time. so many free sweets and chocolates for him to eat. doesnt matter what it is, how big or small, its all getting eaten. he doesnt care too much about his costume, as long as hes getting free food. dick usually helps him out with his costume, he goes as someone speedy like him. quicksilver, sonic, pietro etc.

[unablethethird]

once again

Same with you skip the weird ones

1: Name Robert [rob]

2: Age 14

3: 3 Fears 1- Friends dying/getting hurt 2-Going back to the last place i lived 3-Not being able to help/be there

4: 3 things I love 1-My frens 2-Laptop 3-headphones

7: My best friend You and yaya [irl]

8: Sexual orientation AroAce [fictoromantic/fictosexual, and kinda orchidromantic]

10: How tall am I 166cm [for now]

11: What do I miss

cant think of anything rn

12: What time were I born 4am

13: Favorite color red, orange, purple, black

15: Favorite quote "Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night, light a man *on* fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life"

16: Favorite place Arcade

17: Favorite food Imjaderah [rice+yoghurt+beans]

18: Do I use sarcasm sometimes, not rlly tho

19: What am I listening to right now

20: First thing I notice in new person Not sure, maybe symptoms???? but not on purpose

21: Shoe size No idea

22: Eye color dark brown [almost black]

23: Hair color black

24: Favorite style of clothing 1920s men atire

25: Ever done a prank call? Not that i can remember

27: Meaning behind my URL I mean this is the 3rd acc

28: Favorite movie THE LORAX!!!!

29: Favorite song right now it's

30: Favorite band FamilyJules? LemonDemon? Will wood? Chonny jash?

31: How I feel right now My body's scared but im chilling

32: Someone I love You /p

33: My current relationship status AroAce, platonically married

34: My relationship with my parents lol

35: Favorite holiday Eid al adha, free money

36: Tattoos and piercing i have Ear

37: Tattoos and piercing i want Sleeve tattoo when i transition

38: The reason I joined Tumblr Needed to continue a fic/comic that was on tumblr

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? idk

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? thank you fren /gen

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? my dad? maybe when i was really young

42: When did I last hold hands? My little sister, i didnt want her to get run over when crossing the road

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? As long as i have, if u give me an hour i'll take an hour, if you give me 30 seconds i'll take 30 seconds

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Nope, i get gender dysphoria from shaving my legs/arms

45: Where am I right now? Bed

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? LOUD

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Mum, not dad

49: Am I excited for anything? Turning 18 and going uni and being a human person with a human life

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Im an oversharer

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? Im autistic so not in a deppressed way

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? Cant remember

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? H [irl]

55: What is something I disliked about today? My sister stealing money from my mum, i was this close to having smoke outta my ears, she should know better

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? God, im going to beat the shit out of him

57: What do I think about most? Cringe memories i guess?

58: What’s my strangest talent? I can bird whistle

59: Do I have any strange phobias? Touch might be strange?

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind fs

61: What was the last lie I told? "I don't know who they were talking about" [i didn't want to hurt her feelings]

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? voice, video is a nightmare

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yea because either i've seen them or im delusional [im delusional]. aliens are a given, even a bacteria could be one

64: Do I believe in magic? Kinda? idrk, maybe

65: Do I believe in luck? yea

66: What’s the weather like right now? cloudy n cold

67: What was the last book I’ve read? DnD rulebook

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? LVORE IT LOIF LVOE LOVE IT

69: Do I have any nicknames? I get called by my last name a lot

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? not sure

71: Do I spend money or save it? Save

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? Unfortunatly no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? My sisters deoderant

74: Favorite animal?

FOXES!!!!!!

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? calming myself down

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? I dont think he has one, idk im not religious

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Corny/cringe as hell but Honeypie by JAWNY

78: How can you win my heart? havent thought about it

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

I TOLD YOU MY FOOT WAS KILLING ME

80: What is my favorite word? supercalifragilisticexpialadocious

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr Moots

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? your god is the right one [chaos]

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Not currently, but my dad and some uncles were

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Time manipulation

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? i dont think questions are scary

86: What is my current desktop picture? basic

90: Failed a class? classes

94: Had job? I have one now, dont always get paid though

95: Left the house without my wallet? Dont have a wallet

96: Bullied someone on the internet? no

98: Played on a sports team?

Unless school sport team counts

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no

104: Been overweight? No

105: Been underweight? yea

106: Been to a wedding? ye

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Duh

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? maybe i dont remember

109: Been outside my home country? Technically im from iran, and i live in australia, so, yeah

110: Gotten my heart broken? i guess

111: Been to a professional sports game? no

112: Broken a bone? no

113: Cut myself? yeah Im stopping though

114: Been to prom? we dont have that

115: Been in airplane?

Yeah

116: Fly by helicopter? no

117: What concerts have I been to? none

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? kinda

119: Learned another language? I know arabic and english

120: Wore make up? Forced to when i was younger but not anymore

123: Dyed my hair? Part of it purple, but its gone now

124: Voted in a presidential election? Cant vote, eitherway all of em suck

125: Rode in an ambulance? Yep

126: Had a surgery? not sure, memory bad

127: Met someone famous? Not that i know of

128: Stalked someone on a social network? mutuals tumblrs

129: Peed outside? Yea

130: Been fishing? nope

131: Helped with charity? yep

132: Been rejected by a crush? nope

133: Broken a mirror? Yep

134: What do I want for birthday? Wouldn't ever happen because it's expensive as fuck but a pump it up machine

i usually get a slice of cake tho

[goobie-goo]

was gonna fix the formatting but hhh so much work hhhhbgrggr

WORLDBUILDING

kismadoré

play on kismet (destiny)

something to do w a tree— the diff parts of town are called diff parts of tree. ex: the docks are called the roots -> (tree) bc ehe world tree

kisamadoré (called kisa/kisi for short… or kiscity… kis-city…) — KISMA MEANS HOME? maybe ‘free home’?

“refugee city” is an outsider’s nickname for it ig? i dont remember wiritng this much. i mean,, it IS refugee city after all.

Day of the Krow (DotK) - July 23rd

- town dallas n copperheads made during wilds arc made a holiday for dallas after his death called ‘Day of the Krow’ (DotK) to celebrate their independence and dallas’ leadership and mourn his death. lots of happy fesital stuff, not sad. imagime halloween, dia de los muertos, and the tangled damce scene.

- mass candle lighting and dancing all night. mariachi band all night

- face-painting and henna are common stalls, along with a giant poster for finger-painting

- people wear compass necklaces all day. OG copperheads wear their og necklaces from their squad— the next gen ones are silver and not bronze.

Remembrance Week - july 21-27th (HHAHSKDNS TODAY???? I DIDN’T REALIZE)

- a week of festivities decided to mourning the losses of loved ones from in the walls. again— lots of happy festival stuff, not sad.

- people gift mourners marigolds, gladiolus, chrysanthemums, white roses, or forget-me-nots.

- people will keep them in their house or on their person the entire week until midnight the last day, where people will gather to the lake-side then send the now wilted flowers gently down the lake. this represents a funeral passage* and letting your loved one pass on peacefully and with love.

- *lots of people who died didnt get a funeral because of mistreatment by the guards or their bodies were never found/disposed of already.

- theres quiet pockets for grievers if you need a break. theyre full of people who will support the mourners, talk to them or help get their mind off depressing thoughts.

- mass candle lighting ceremony

culture

- LANGUAGES

- english, japanese, russian, german, arabic, spanish, A LOT- basically any language

- kisman (mixed language for city)

- kisma means home

- hábi means mom

- PHRASES

- “blowing on a dandelion and waiting for it to sing” -> wishing for something/having a dream but not actually putting any effort into making it happen

- CURRENCY

- theyre nomads, dont have a currency bc focused on survival -> more bartering and community based to keep everyone alive. kinda carries over when the city is developed fully years after dallas’ death. -> in detail, more of a “hey, does anyone have ____ that i could borrow?” (several voices overlapping saying yes, they do and yes, they can borrow it). no need to buy anything, really.

- music

- doesnt matter what genre. the people are loud because we are alive! we are free! rejoice!

- many people love drums and violins and EDM though. be as loud as you can be. violin is popular because dallas loved it a lot and played many songs with it during the rebellion arc (specifically inspired by lindsey stirling).

- genres

- phonk, electro-swing, folk, electro-violin(?), will wood, etc

- clothing + accessories

- flowy clothing- dresses similar to flamenco or chicano? i have an image ill put at the bottom

- different designs but still has the BIG flowey and ruffle

- lots of jewelry and bells that make noise connected to them

- ankle bracelets and the ones that are on your feet also normal.

- jingly accessories in general are big

- piercings are common and people dont shame them.

- same w tattoos bc art is loved and appreciated. “your body is a temple and you choose how to decorate it” kinda thing

- bright clothing is common but its not expected. actually-

- NONE OF THIS IS EXPECTED!! people are accepted even if they dont dress according to the culture!

- food: (WIP)

- snow cones/ice cream

- funnel cakes

- baked potatoes

- tex-mex food is common

- dance:

- many different cultures mashed together

- commonly southern culture mixed with mexican

- flamenco, 20s flapper/charleston?, street dancing, country swing, boogie woogie(?), line-dances, some indigenous dances (LOOK INTO THESE)

- street dancing is very fast paced and not choreographed. you just join in and dance however you like.

- something like the kingdom dance scene from tangled

- dancing until dawn is common on holidays, esp DotK (day of the krow). people start the festivities at sunset and dancing starts at night. its party all night!

- some people dance in the rain to show thanks to The Syzygy.

- lots of clapping and stomping, swishing and swaying -> noise -> jangles bc accessories (or just the action makes noise) -> happy bc “we are alive and we must show it” kinda thing

- art:

- painting is big- esp finger-painting with kids

- all art is seen as sacred. no art is better than the other.

- nature connection

- animism elements

- nature is to be respected!

- its like a spiritual connection to nature but without the religion stuff

- people often get blessed by eyeless*. similar to holy water but in the eyeless respect-nature-way and not God-blessed-this-water. its more like ‘be more connected with nature’

- people dont stop everything when it starts raining. often people go outside and play in the rain. dancing in the rain is also common (rain dances) -> however you must go inside when you hear thunder to respect it or else it will get worse (superstition)

- people also dance FOR rain

- bc of this, gardeners and farmers are VERY important

- flowers

- carries over from the flower symbolism used during the rebellion arc

- crow & copperhead symbolism (bc “krow” and the Copperheads. dallas’ symbols and also bc copperheads were a group. the vets are still around btw)

- the stars are important too bc people who follow The Eyes consider the stars as members of The Eyes looking down on them. like,, the stars are Their eyes. therefore, throughout kismadoré, theres a lot of star and eye symbolism.

- side note, bc most people in the resistance followed The Eyes, most people in kismadoré do as well. its not forced onto the Eyeless, though.

- community

- bowls of dried petals are kept on the bridge over the river that leads to the lake so you can send a message to your lost one whenever. there are also little messages carved into the wood telling you that everything will be okay.

- these petals also function as a wishing fountain!! (not only the acorns) you make a wish to your/other’s ancestors, The Eyes, etc.

- “it takes a village to raise a child” thing. everyone is connected and close.

- games

- 42, chess, hide n seek, capture the flag, (WIP)

- MISC

- wind chimes, wind spinners, bottle trees, wishing wells but they wish on acorns bc they dont have coins for currency, flower wreaths, candle, weather vanes, COMPASSES

- busking

- street vendors!! all for farmers market and small lemonade stands. magicians too!

- cleansing w salt + throwing salt over shoulder, banging pots and pans (WIP)

* some term for people who follow the family (the eyes). they call themselves that bc, as mortals, they dont have Eyes like The Keepers do. (aka they arent all-knowing)

the image of the dress i was talking about! in my hometown, we had a fair on the square and thered always be a group of women who would dance in these dresses on a lil wooden stage. its one of my favorite things to see whenever im able to make it (which is hardly ever nowadays) (theyre the ones who inspired this btw) ->

im…. i…………

i want to live here so badly xi you have no idea

this little town…… they make noise because they are ALIVE goddammit and they will tell the world…………………

im. obsessed??? with the community mentality and the acceptance as like. a metaphor for not only leaving behind the physical Walls but also the social ones as well. im. unwell..

[toestalucia]

Vania: Mommy… You're watching, right? Are you happy too? Choice: She is, no doubt.

critical damage. but the fate ep parent hell didnt end there, i am so sorry for reading petras so late cuz hellooo?!?!?

Petra: (If the true Andras is somewhere in the Abyssal Forest, then that's also where Mother's journey would have ended. Will she be there? What would I even say to her? Should I ask her why she abandoned me? Or should I… No, I can't think about that now. I have to concentrate on stopping Andras.)

Karla: I have regrets. There are many things that I still want to do. That I was not able to be a mother to Petra hurts most of all. More than anything else, I wanted to be there to see her grow up…

Petra: It's not fair… Saying goodbye like this… How am I supposed to stay angry at you?

the (captain) io petra club of parents who left them to do something rly cool(save ppl). the added fact that with vanias situation where gran doesnt have any memory of their mother & what walfrid shared was very vauge and doesn't know either if their mom is dead or alive (rising hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha). also last years holiday seasonal with yaia & her mother.......like i truly think that its a dialogue option that becomes a lot more personal from captain, because even if gran has no knowledge about their mom & thus mentions her a lot less / doesn't have the same type of loneliness about her as they do with their dad, it's still pretty clear that they were curious as a kid & wondered what was up with their family. so i feel its very..............im sure she's watching, because thats what im hoping for my mom too. yknow.

as for petra that section felt terrible cuz. like i KNEW it was there, i knew about petras lore. i knew she was in a similar situation as captain & io. but having her voice it like this..........'should i ask her why she abandoned me' LIKEEEEEEEEEE....that epic scene in no rain no rainbow that they reused for and you (i think it was????) with captain crying & being comforted by vyrn with very similar questions. the anime s2 too. ugh.....u better keep dad alive. makes act3 such a heartache too since they fell to the edgelands as dad left, found out estalucias real name, found out repti had known dad & that? the last thing anyone has seen of dad is very likely him standing in front of the omnipotent(s clone) ?????? which makes me so damn dizzy in consideration of dad arriving at zinkenstill alone with captain & mom (&dads) position with bahamut. going to estalucia.....dad........ yeah my dad is at this fabled island oh no he met a being whose radiance blinded repti & even seeing it from the mask hurt hailaks eyes is he ok we dont know we can just push forward oh no the sky is broken. LIKEEEEEE ???? not to mention seed of redemption (which IS set after/around edgelnads right........i heard water lecias fate eps reference some stuff......which EVEN MORE makes sense of captains reaction of running away like they JUST missed their own dad & met mika&shitori who dad was telling stories to and whatnot + finding out either before or after whats actually up with their family. like the emotions are in SHAMBLES during that. adding on borrowing/using the omnipotents power during heart of the sun like. can i. can we. ???????????? do u get me. desperately holding onto anything that lets them be closer to their dad, even if it the logic doesnt make sense.

'how am i supposed to stay angry at you' petra im gonna be ill. i love you so much. desperately need a 'left behind by our parents' login story. ill read the lvl100 fate tmrw i cant deal with this rn<//3

in grans case especially & how i write them i think the 'i understand that my parents are likely doing something very very important' and 'i wish they werent/i wish they choose me instead' are sooooo messy..............lov things like that. love petras dialogue. love how gran can understand her wholeheartedly in that moment, even if she doesnt speak of it.

[batboyblog]

hi, i'm the anon who told the story of finding out im jewish only recently when an aunt came to visit and told us of how her mother (my grandma's sister) and her siblings came from poland fleeing the nazis because they were jewish. thank you so much for your reply. i kind of cried. learning about this was an Experience for me. It seems my grandma and her siblings didn't exactly want to hide being jewish, but didn't tell anyone. they didn't assimilate into christianity and didn't raise their children as religious. we didn't celebrate any christian holidays, observe any customs, but also didn't practice any jewish ones (obviously). since learning about it, my aunts and mother talked to my grandmother and asked for her story. she fled when she was about 10 around 1940 in an unlabeled merchant ship with a few other family's, only they didn't come with their parents. they dropped all their practices and grandma only broke their pretense to observe shiva when their brother passed away, and now for her sister. my grandma is a very old woman and no one wanted to upset her further, i mean she's already lost both her siblings and her only family from before her marriage, so the whole thing's been dropped by now. our aunt says their older brother actually became a practicing Jew once he moved to the big city and had a few photos of them as kids in Poland that he gave to his oldest son that she can show us, but apart from that there's no connection. It's strange, I've never been antisemitic but it feels kind of prejudiced of me to have mixed feelings on this. It feels like we got all the bad parts of generational trauma and missing stories and none of the good parts like community and a feeling of belonging. Though that does also mean we were never the victims of hate, so for that we should be grateful. It hit my mom much harder though. She's named after my grandma's sister (which is apparently a Jewish custom, to name your children after past family members? all of us are named this way. i didnt know this). I feel reluctant identifying as Jewish, I don't even know if by Jewish law I would be classified as such. Anyways.

i know this is a bit heavy, so don't feel preassured at all into replying. I just wanted to say this whole thing took place since early december of last year and your reply has kind of caught me vulnerable. thank you for your kind words. sincerely

first off thanks for writing back, it was very interesting and people so rarely ever follow up with anything these days.

One I'd like to say I'm touched by how your grandmother and her siblings stayed close over the years and you are connected to their families still. I can imagine 3 little kids from Poland in a ship with only each other, the horrible heart breaking choice their parents had to make to save them. So so many Jewish parents couldn't bare to part with their children... your great-grandparents made the hardest choice imaginable, your grandma was an incredibly brave little girl and it worked, it worked

I certainly understand feeling conflicted about it all, I can only imagine getting news that realigns your view of the world, yourself, your family, world history, and who you are. You wouldn't be human if that didn't leave you with a lot of mixed feelings and I can't tell you what to do with it.

Yes it is Jewish tradition to name children after dead loved ones, my nephew is named for my grandfather who passed a week after he was born. I'm not a Rabbi, or an expert in Jewish law, but by my understanding your mother is almost certainly Jewish since your grandmother is and you likely are as well. I've been assuming you live in America but that might not be the case, here Reform Judaism is the largest movement and tends to be pretty open about "who is a Jew" else where the Orthodox movement is most often the majority and they tend to be more strict but again I strongly think you both would be Jews.

Any ways I keep thinking of one of my favorite monologues, from Angels in America

"You can never make that crossing that she made, for such Great Voyages in this world do not anymore exist. But every day of your lives the miles that voyage between that place and this one you cross. Every day. You understand me? In you that journey is."

whatever you do with this, it is with you, every day that crossing in a boat is a little girl from Poland, that journey that she made is in your soul.

I can't tell you what to do with that, and I think it goes against the grain of my religion to tell you what to do with that. I will say there are times when the candles are lit and I look into them and I say the words I can see eternity, being chosen is not easy the path is hard, and I'm ALWAYS learning more and I will till the day I die, but I wouldn't trade it.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a super disorganized and emotional way is, a door has opened in your life, whatever you do you'll never see your grandmother the same way again, and you'll carry that story with you always. The question is do you want to know more? I think it's clear I hope you do and one day your kitchen might fill with the smells of baking challah the way your great-grandparents in Poland might have done before the war. But I can't make that choice for you and I feel bad even saying what I think.

What I said before stands you and are a miracle, and whats more a testament to love undying, so many children sent away by parents who loved them enough to save them, little pieces of ash in the wind blowing away from fires of Armageddon, really little seeds blowing out of a forest fire to grow a tree in a new world and look at all its branches. I hope whatever happened to your great-grandparents the idea of their children having a future was a comfort in the darkest moments. May their memory be a blessing.

[dorkass-nerd]

long ass vent about shit happening in the uk

sigh

i

i hate it here in britain

seeing thugs set up a checkpoint somewhere to check cars going through to ask them their fucking nationality?

i didn't watch much of it, i didnt see what they did to anyone who didn't match what they wanted to see going through that "checkpoint"

i just

felt a wave of fucking hatred

and i try my hardest not to explicitly hate people, i don't like hating people

but i hate with a fucking passion

these fucking thugs who think they run the country

you are not fucking welcome here

and it warms my heart to see thousands show up to counter protest a protest that had like 5 people in attendance

you are outnumbered

and you're going to continue to be outnumbered

because the people who are counterprotesting are bigger in number, tight knit in their communities, and some are ready to do anything to protect their families

and i mean actually protect

not what these cunts are doing claiming to be protecting their neighbourhoods

i fail to see how setting fire to shops and cars, smashing windows, setting up checkpoints and harassing people in the street is going to do anything to protect the people in your neighbourhood or make them feel safer

im so fucking mad and upset right now

but if anyone is concerned, im safe right now, im so far away from any of the riots happening right now. im trying to enjoy my holiday right now and i haven't seen any protests happening in my country in the uk right now

but that doesn't stop me from being absolutely terrified right now, seeing people posting lists of proposed riots and counter protests, checking over them all to check dates, see which one is closest to me where i am right now and check the dates for the ones that might be closer to where i live when im at home home

wearing my headscarf is off the table. im already anxious enough wearing it outside

i don't think even my white privilege will help me if i wore my headscarf

because one thing i do know is these people see that and immediately think muslim

and another thing i know is that these people think jews are all white so either way im gonna get profiled by someone

i am

straight up embarrassed to be british right now

i haven't felt proud to be british for a lonog ass time

but right now im embarrassed to be part of this fucking fucked up country

[itztlislost]

i quit my retail job

hey y'all, it has been months since I've been active. the last time i reposted something, tumblr immediately terminated my account. I was able to get it back after emailing customer service, which they apologized that it even happen because they don't even know why it happened. weird, but whatever.

anyways, I was inactive because my mental health was my priority. I cut of friends, stopped doing the things I liked and much more just to maintain a baseline of 'ok', which wasn't great considering my only interaction was people at my job of a cashier at a grocery store.

I ended up quitting when the workplace took a turn for the worst, both coworkers and management becoming toxic and I only had one work friend who kept their head on straight. I'm not going to say we never did anything wrong and that it was everyone else being assholes, that isnt true and I don't believe it was anyone but managements fault.

I'm not really sure what caused for this shift to happen, I was too focused on my own problems at the time before i eventually noticed. basically, everyone was in a bad mood, constantly. we all had problems with everyone and each other, we all wanted things and refused to compromise without complaints. The holiday season ended, hours were cut along with all this and management decided to play favorites. white employees got to keep their hours while the rest of us didn't even get the bare minimum of 20 hours, even if we were apart of the union. I know the managers have favorites, we all do, but they suddenly didn't care about being fair.

I was already fighting a losing battle with hr, all the while I was working 10 hour shifts three days into being of my 300ml Effexor and suffering the worst of my withdrawals at the customer service desk. I finally had a breakdown and meltdown, so bad I woke the next morning unable to speak or open my eyes because of the hours long of me screaming and sobbing the night before. do to how bad I was suffering, I called out sick and included all this information which i did not have to and shouldnt have. I genuinely care about my co workers and managers, I didnt want them to think I was faking being sick and I wanted them to know I had stuck it out for as long as I could all things considered. Instead of understanding, I got a huff in reply a dry 'are you sure? fine, ok'.

after that call I proceeded to spend the rest of the day and my days off screaming and crying while I waited for my doctor to fix whatever mistake set this off. that being said, it made me realize how little my work place cared. I built so many friendships with everyone at work that I tricked myself into thinking that this location and management could be any different than corporate or any other chain. Next day, I put in my two weeks and went to stay with my fiance while I got back on my meds.

I'm doing better now and figuring out a better path since I refuse to go back to working retail. the customers were actually the best part of the job imo, good and bad interactions alike. so yeah this was mainly a vent and also just a reminder to myself every time I come back here to remember how horrible that experience was. but hey, let it be a cautionary tale too i guess. Take your meds, call and make sure they get refilled a week or two before you're out bc trust me you may think they'll refill it fast but don't risk it. also retail sucks major doo doo, quit on the spot once you see any red flags. you're disposable to them, make them disposable to you.

[meme-loving-stuck]

i am having a bad night but i am constantly reminded how much i love beibg nice to ppl and how scared i am of it. bc i felt like my kindness was always wasted, thrown away, or thrown back in my face so much.

i felt for a long time that kindness was.. not "weak" per se but just not fuckin worth it at all and that i should just be an aloof asshole to everyone. i felt i had earned it, because of how i suffered i felt it was so much EASIER to just let people think i didnt care for them or what they thought. i made it a point to never seem "too" interested in anything, kept all my potential friends here and even coworkers who extended any sort of attempt at friendship at arms length, i never let anyone know i really cared, or was curious about them. id let the nice words play out in my head, and never say them

im fine, but how have you been? i remember you said something about your cousin being sick...

i wasnt joking earlier and i really do think your sense of style is nice

it's genuinely sweet how you try and reassure me even though youre shy, i do hear you sometimes and i really do appreciate it. i dont mean to seem like im not listening i just get busy really quickly

i think youre more capable than i am and i could never hate you

even if it seems like i avoid you it's mostly because im terrified of looking stupid in front of you, not because i dont like you

like i cannot express how difficult it has been to be polite to people throughout the fuckin holiday season. and january being thr worst month ever. but i really do want to be and its actually embarrassing.

i think its sort of just been leaking out of me in overly-affectionate compliments toward my coworkers. but honestly whats better than making someone smile at the very beginning of their day? or making their shift a bit better? i dont know if its also the social deprivation but when i see certain people smile i SWOON. i just cant help but want to have that from everyone

telling someone they have a nice smile as a surefire way to get them smiling? impeccable

making someone laugh so hard that they can barely speak, seeing someone get flustered because you were happy to see them, seeing a smirk on someones face that says theyre TRYING to be serious but youve totally cracked them. i love it. i love it all so much. Its sooo embarrassing but also🖤