#i didn't like seeing my friends interacting with people that wasn't our group it genuinely on a bone deep level unsettled me

[elytrafemme]

good news: therapy finally scheduled friday morning. bad news: holy shit i am really spiralling aren't i

[mayadoesfandomstuff]

Now with reading summaries of the podcast episode and watching some of the clips, it genuinely triggers my anxiety hearing about how Dream treated his friends and especially those who are more vulnerable than him (like Tommy being a teenager), especially since I experienced the same kind of thing with one of my ex toxic friend from about last year this time and it's so unnerving.

Tommy saying that he tried settling things privately, keeps getting empty apologies, and then for Dream to just keep doing what he was doing without changing anything really brought me back to my own conversations where I would basically almost beg her to reflect on how she's hurt me and her apologizing with a "I'm sorry you felt that way." and then continuing on to act the same way.

Tommy and Jack talking about how it was almost like he didn't understood what he did was wrong and it taking so much to explain things to him and in the end the whole thing not clicking, reminded me of long conversations I had with her trying to make her understand why she was being hurtful and still, at the end of it, still not agreeing with me on why her words were hurtful to a mutual friend.

Tommy questioning whether or not he's accurate on how badly dream treats him and only having very few people to vent to really hit hard and it brought me back to when I could only talk about how bad my ex friend was to me to only one person who wasn't trying to play devil's advocate for her. Someone who was also hurt and has also publicly expressed her disdain for her to the rest of the friend group and we honestly felt like conspiracy theorists half the time who couldn't speak about this publicly or outside our most inner circles (i.e. just us and maybe my family members).

There's so much of this that they talked about that I'm seeing disturbing parallels to me and that relationship and it does make me wonder if it was just a toxic friendship or outright emotional abuse or both or am I crazy or whatever because it's not like we had a large age gap and the only thing she may have over me was that she was physically abled while I was housebound and nearly isolated except with my family and online conversations with our same mutual friends and maybe she was lighter skinned and was actively colorist against me and my other friend that she also hurt but man, this is really making me think.

My heart goes out for Tommy and I do hope that he closes this chapter of his life and finds success in his new ventures and hoping that he never has to interact with Dream or his associates again.

[ghost-in-the-hall]

Hello! I have finally stopped crying about Friday night long enough to come tell you guys about it! Also kind of a face reveal I guess? I wasn't planning on posting pictures of myself ever on Tumblr but, um, I met some of Powerwolf, so I'm telling literally everyone who will listen about it. If you'd like to read all about the most amazing night of my life it's below the cut cause my god am I going to ramble and there's going to be a lot of pictures. Posting Update coming later now that I can finally get back to work ❤️

*cracks knuckles* now, I had to take the full day yesterday to literally sit on my floor with my friends to recount that night in as much detail as possible. Every thing I tell you has been fact checked and reviewed by 3 other people lol. I literally can't even believe the night I had, I still think I'm dreaming tbh.

So, as you may or may not know, Powerwolf is literally my favorite band ever. I missed their first US tour so I was determined to get my ass to this show and have the greatest time, also I'm not going to turn down a chance to see Falk Maria Schlegel in person, it ain't gunna happen chief. I got tickets for my friends and I, we made a whole day of it, we got our nails done and met up the morning of and had breakfast and did face masks and all got ready together, it was wonderful, I'm so glad we made the decision to do that because of my god my NERVES that morning. We ended up getting to the venue around 3, which meant we had to stand in line for 4 hours but it was definitely worth the sacrifice. We were about 10 people from the front by the time we lined up. When we got there, none other than Roel VanHelden was hanging out around their tour bus, taking pictures and just talking with a small group of people. He was so nice when we went down to meet him, my friends and I were all dressed up for the occasion and he looked at us and went "wow, you all look incredible!" I think my soul left my body. I told him he was my favorite drummer ever and I'm so excited to finally be able to see him live and he looked so genuinely flattered. I got a picture with him that's at the bottom.

A little while later I look down the sidewalk and happen to notice Charles doing the same thing. He was also super sweet and super funny. I, for some reason, was so much more nervous meeting him than I was meeting Roel so I just kind of ran up said hi took my picture said thank you and ran away, but he was very sweet when he was talking with my friends. ALSO HES SO DAMN HANDSOME WITH HIS GLASSES ON I AM SUCH A CHARLES GIRL AFTER FRIDAY NOW BUT WELL GET MORE INTO WHY LATER!!! Sorry lost my cool, picture with him is also below

We get inside, we get all the way up to the left side of the stage at the barrier, I'm directly in front of Falk and Matthew the entire concert. Unleash The Archers was incredible, I unfortunately only know their song Soulbound, but they're amazing if you're into women fronted power metal bands, I highly recommend them. The entirety of the concert itself was incredible, everyone is so talented and it was so amazing, just for the music I would go back again and again.

But, my god, do those men LOVE interacting with the crowd. I'm gunna go member by member, we made a bullet list lol. We ended up getting notices by every single member of Powerwolf multiple times, like I seriously still can't believe it, it doesn't feel real, but it happened and I have 3 other people telling me it happened so I guess I have to trust them lol.

Roel we unfortunately didn't get to see much obviously because he's at his kit, but after the show was over he came over and gave my friend a drum cover that was signed by the entire band, we have agreed that one day a month I come over we pull it out (until it gets framed), smoke a bowl, and just look at it for a little while together because that's how we're going to share joint custody of it lol. Seeing him play live was also just unreal.

Attila carries such a presence on stage it's actually fucking insane. How easily that man can command an entire room is scary. I don't know if I have the video, I might have to get it from someone else still. But there was one point we were singing along with Attila and he came over and sang directly to my friend and I and reached out for us and we both screamed. He acknowledged us a couple other times throughout the show.

We were on the opposite side of the stage from Charles but him and Matthew switch sides pretty much during every song so he was over pretty frequently. The first time he came over he immediately recognized my little group, he pointed right at me and smiled, I personally think he noticed how I loosened up a lot since almost passing out earlier lol. But he would be constantly coming over and singing along with us, there was also one point I noticed he accidentally bumped into Attila and he just looked at him and blew him a kiss and it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. CHARLES ALSO THREW ME ONE OF HIS ARM BANDS!!!! When he came over after final bows, he threw a couple pics, I missed literally all of them because I have zero depth perception and despite the fact I was wearing 5" platforms I was still stupidly short lol, he noticed proceeds to pull off one of the ones he had on, came right to the edge of the stage and tossed it to me and he got so smiley when I screamed back thank you, he has such a nice smile omfg it's not fair. But he was incredible.

We were right in front of Matthew, we definitely spent the most time with him, he was also in love with us. They played Sinners of The Seven Seas, which is a personal favorite song of mine, so I was absolutely losing my shit, screaming every word, and after they finished each song he would acknowledge the whole crowd and give thumbs up and all that, and then he looks at me, I shit you not my knees almost have out from just now direct this eye contact was the first time, he goes "wow" and gives me a thumbs up and a really impressed look, so of course I got all flustered which made him laugh. He would acknowledge me after pretty much every song, doing kind of the same thing, motioning to the whole crowd and then motioning directly to me, it became a joke, we would both laugh whenever he did it. At one point I made a heart at him and he got the brightest smile and also seemed so genuinely flattered, they all did, every one of them just seemed so touched and happy that all of us loved them so much it was super sweet. But, anyways, back to Matthew. He sang along with us a lot too and was just genuinely so fun to watch, he's such a talented guitarist, I got to see him play the most. He also threw me a guitar pick, I gave it to one of my other friends that came since she didn't catch anything.

Falk Maria Schlegel... I was so insane about this man BEFORE this concert... I am simply unwell about him now. This, to me, is by far the most unbelievable part of my night because I'm literally in love with him. He's kind of similar to Roel where it's hard to get his attention cause he's also mostly up on the back stage, so he didn't really start to come down to the stage until near the end of the show anyways. But he came down at one point and that man held eye contact with me for a good 30 seconds while Attila was making his speech, I thought my heart stopped, how are his eyes even prettier in person? He's just so fun and so cute, I love watching him interact with the crowd. He came over to my side of the stage after the first encore, Attila was giving a speech about how we're all one big heavy metal family and it was very nice. I had to go over this with my friends about 9 times, I still think they're lying to me and I hallucinated the whole thing. Falk motions to the whole crowd and says I love you, then turns looks directly at me, motions to me specifically and says I love you. I blacked out for about 30 seconds I think, my heart was restarted by the last song starting (I fucking love werewolves of Armenia) they were doing final bows and Falk came back over to my side of the stage, he looked at me so I blew him a kiss and made a heart and he went, "oh! Thank you!" Motioned to me and then held his hands over his chest and he looked so happy, they all looked so happy, I hope they come back soon I already miss them. I plan on being right back up in front next time, who knows, maybe they'll even remember me lol

We're also going to be in their city recap video, and Jen Dorn (Attila's wife) took a bunch of pictures and posted a video of us on her Instagram and we got to meet her too, she was also very sweet and very pretty!!

Okay have some pictures of the greatest night of my life, some of them aren't cropped right, that's my bad lol

I have more videos and stuff I can post if you guys would like to see them!!

[maskednihilism]

A statement

ooc.

I'll just get straight into it. No preamble.

Rath, Terios, Typho, @ huijarii / @ dupliciti / @ coldbulwark /@ smusmaes, whatever the fuck you decide to call yourself, and I had a falling out last year, sometime in November 2023.

What pushed it is honestly none of anyone's business. What was a stupid drama between two people should've stayed that way. A stupid drama between two people. However, ever since that time, it has been looming over my Honkai Star Rail rp career.

Every new person I'd try to interact with, Rath was right there to snipe in and push me out. I couldn't make connections for months without the looming fear of this person running to them and worming their way in to push me out of interactions. 

Since then, I've made friends, people who didn't care about the drama or quite frankly didn't know about it. It took ages and at times I felt like giving up. I felt so paranoid because of how Rath acted around me that I kept wavering from being kind to manic. You will understand why in a bit.

I never asked anyone to choose a side nor will I do it in the future. All I've asked from people is to not mention them and more recently, due to reasons, not to roleplay with me if they actively interact with them.

That's how things should've been. But people talk. People make connections. Others are dropping Rath faster than flies. Jokingly, it's been so many victims that I suggested to one of them to make a union with me and make ourselves unionize against them. That's how many there are of us.

I won't speak of their stories as that's not my own to speak. But mine I will gladly tell, with admittedly low evidence as I, the stupid fool, thought I didn't need to screenshot every single weird moment Rath had with me. I did genuinely believe we were friends but there's a repeated pattern of behavior with them. They will emotionally suck you dry and expect you to give more and more while you are given nothing in return.

And to be honest? It wasn't even the worst of it. I got off easy. Others not so much. Again, their story to say, not mine.

What I can say is that if Rath wants to refute it, go ahead. Post the FULL chat log between us on discord. From our group server to the dms. Post it all. I give my full consent because I know if you did, it would prove to everyone how unhinged you are. If there is any problematic content or not pc wording in those dms, I will gladly explain though I'm confident even without me explaining them, the dms explain myself fairly well. I have nothing to hide.

Now you may be asking, “Prince, why are you saying all of this? Is this a call out? Is this drama?” 

Yes this is drama. And why I'm saying this is well, again. People talk. I had a chat with someone about it, and they confirmed by a third party, another victim, that Rath was indeed, stalking and watching over me. This is what pushed me over the edge.

It explains why they kept mirroring me, my posts, my headcanons, how they knew who I followed and didn't despite my efforts of keeping them blocked and them also having me blocked.

I genuinely believed I was insane, that I was overthinking things when they kept dangling interactions with them only to take it away because idk. Maybe there was a different, better, roleplayer out there. I felt alone and felt like I was seeing things when there wasn't anything.

I wasn't. Others see it too. They're simply too polite or too scared to say it. Everyone in the rpc says they don't want drama but how can there be none when someone is actively doing this kind of shit behind the scenes? 

And it's the same methodology. Rath befriends you, love bombs you, slowly starts cutting attention away from you and then drops you for a shiny new roleplayer. But if that person drops them, you have to be there for them. No, that's not how this works. 

So rather than speaking in hush tones and whispers, I'm saying it out right. Unlike Rath, I will make myself known. I think you need help. I think you should march yourself into therapy and tell them “hey, I'm not mentally well. I need help.”

Because people will not offer that help to you if you use them the way that you do.

This will be my only post about this situation. I'm holding myself accountable. Originally on a previous draft of this post I said I would have a friend bonk me if I mentioned this again on main. I removed that statement because that isn't holding accountability. I need to do it myself.

To the victims, I offer sympathy. We were all misled in one way or another, choosing to believe a friend instead of investigating the matter. I know I did. And it almost cost me a friend. If I knew what they also went through, I would've done more to get them away from them. What's done is done. We both reconciled and are making amends towards each other.

I also don't want to become a “Foster's home for Rath’s victims”. If you were hurt by Rath and you want to follow me because you want to bond over that, I rather you didn't. While I have trauma bonded with at least two victims this way, I think we all deserve better. You deserve better.

If you want to follow because you believe Sampo and your muse can engage in shenanigans, then please by all means, go for it. Though I will say I feel a bit wary of those in Rath’s circle. Both to prior members and current ones so forgive me for being a bit jumpy around you if you do end up following me. I will offer as much kindness as I'm able to regardless.

If you're wondering why I keep saying Rath rather than Terios or Ty or whatever goofy ass name they have now… Well because I want them to know that no matter how much they want to change their name, their url, their editing style or goodness knows what else, their actions will always speak for them. This is the legacy you left.

Another person made a post about you. And how you nearly wrecked them. You're as dangerous as you are pathetic. You're what, 26 now? Please change and grow up. Roleplaying is meant to be a fun hobby, not whatever this is.

For my moots who have written with me, I apologize for bringing this issue out. I swear this will be the last of it. If I do vent, hopefully it'll just be family issues or personal stuff. Though I rather not have either of those.

With all this being said, I thank you all for reading this post to the end.

To reiterate to Rath, stay in your lane. I will stay in mine. 

[scammydoesstuff]

heya, I saw your post and I'm really sorry you had a disappointing experience with Neil; I get that BG3 and Astarion shot him to fame but there's still a lot of fans around for his older roles actively posting fics and art (karl, nikolai ginoviev, kamsi etc), so it's not a dead fandom by any means. Village isn't an 'old' game either (it's only 3 years old??) and anyone who says so is wrong imo. I hope your week gets better~

Thank you for the kind words.

I've been mostly spending the last week recovering from being sick and drawing to get out the negative feelings while also trying to rationalize a lot of that interaction.

Honestly, I didn't want to make that post super long, so I didn't go in-depth with all of it for the sake of brevity (because I tend to over explain and get to be very long winded - as you're about to see). I do want to insist that I don't necessarily blame Neil for it being negative. I'm sure it was mostly on me and I'm also sure I was overreacting. Drawing that was just my way of getting out some of those negative feelings instead of spiraling.

So, in regards to the convention: we wound up waiting basically 2 days to even meet Neil. Not...because we wanted to, mind. His line was crazy long every day and it wasn't uncommon to see people sitting down in his line, usually waiting for him to come back from a panel or a photo op. All the lines were moving slow all weekend, though. Not just his. That was one of my biggest issues with the convention as a whole and a critique genuinely unique to this one since the last Fan Expo I went to wasn't nearly that bad.

Our weekend was unfortunately pretty booked as well, so we couldn't wait all day and, after being in his line for nearly 3 hours that morning and barely moving, we had to leave for a lunch reservation with some friends who could only be there for one day after he left for a panel, cutting the line off. They did give out little numbers to anyone who'd been waiting up until that point to hop back into line later that day, however, if we had somewhere to be.

Due to short staffing at the restaurant, lunch also ran long and we didn't end up getting back until about an hour before the convention hall was set to close. We ran to Neil's line where they were cutting it off and, I'm super ashamed to admit, I let my boyfriend lie our way back into line (he told them we were leaving that night instead of staying the full 3 days we'd paid for, which coerced them to let us enter the line anyway) and spent the rest of the wait feeling guilty and really tempted to leave despite knowing on some level that this would likely be our last chance for the weekend. That's still on me. I could've said no and just left and not been a total piece of shit, but I didn't. Granted, other people got in line after us, so they weren't being that strict about it anyway, but I digress.

Regardless, we were already pushing it and I know that and I regret it. When we get to the front, I already wanted to keep things brief; get an autograph if I could, but mostly show him the Heisenberg plushie I'd made not long after the game came out.

(this is the plushie, btw. He took months to complete because he's entirely hand sewn - with the face being hand-embroidered - and was a major comfort project because of a lot of things going on in my personal life at the time that were causing me major stress. I've been hoping Neil would come to a con close enough for us to travel to at least so I could show him and this weekend was finally the opportunity I was waiting on).

So, we get to the front of the line and I see that he doesn't have any Village prints. Frankly, outside of Astarion, he doesn't have any other character prints except for one, which was a general Resident Evil group kinda thing with all the Resident Evil characters he'd done. There might've been one other, but I don't think it was for a character? It might've just been a headshot, but I could be wrong. I just know it wasn't Heisenberg-related, so I do not remember it clearly.

I was disappointed, but I decided to get the Resident Evil print anyway. I was initially going to have him sign a trench coat I'd made while working on the plushie. It was kinda practice to learn how to make the coat for that project and now it's just...my Heisenberg coat that I wear in winter. It's very warm. But I never ended up showing it to him after we finally get in front of him because the guilt was just too much.

So we start off and I was trying to be jokey and playful as I said 'I'm kinda disappointed you didn't have any Heisenberg prints' while showing him the plushie, but I can definitely see how, regardless of the tone I was trying to use, didn't come across right. So maybe *I* came off as rude instead despite trying to just...start a conversation about how I really liked Heisenberg? Totally possible. I'm not denying that.

And that's when Neil said that they don't bring prints along for Heisenberg anymore. That Village is an older game, so they don't get a lot of requests for it anyway and thus they save space when traveling. More disappointing. I started feeling worse because I could tell he was tired. It was the longest day for the exhibition hall to be open and he was still going even after everyone else was closing. He did arrive an hour after the hall opened, but it was still a long day, I know. I felt guilty and shitty, but, once he was done signing, I could properly show off the plushie - including the little cigars I'd made that he can hold cuz he has magnets in his hands. Maybe that would make him smile and lift his mood, y'know? So I was excited for his reaction and...

Nothing. Maybe a little laugh in that 'oh, that's cute' kinda way. He kinda did the voice when he saw it, but not really. I just...felt myself sink. I felt so embarrassed to have been so excited for this. My boyfriend asked if he could get a picture of Neil holding it and he did, but I was just...done. I wanted to leave because I realized that this was a mistake. It was late, he was tired, and this character doesn't mean much anymore because it's an older game that's been well overshadowed by Baldur's Gate III.

We wrapped up and left and that was it. I couldn't bring myself to say anything about how much Heisenberg meant to me as a character. I couldn't make myself show off the things about the plushie I was so proud of. I just wanted to leave because I felt like such a leech and that I shouldn't have done this.

I'm not dismissing the way I handled all of this. Looking back, I blame myself for my own bad time and I definitely blame myself for that interaction being as bad as it was. Neil was tired and, to a degree, he's right; it's not the new game that everyone's obsessed with right now. I shouldn't take it personally.

But it's easy to say that. It's so much harder to actually follow through with it. I couldn't help but feel upset because everyone else in line who'd seen the plushie would get excited to see it. Even the event manager who was hanging around at the end of the day told me I should sell them. Hell, back in April of this year, I even got to meet Maggie Robertson, who happened to be going to Fan Expo Cleveland (I live in Ohio, so less travel for that one). I thought it'd make her laugh (cuz, y'know, the size difference is accurate, right?) and, despite acting offended that I'd even bring him before her at all, she was still excited to talk about it and seemed to enjoy engaging with it. She was delightful and clearly still loves her character and that game, which made the contrast of meeting Neil so much more striking and...kinda hurtful...

So yeah...Sorry. That's a whole lotta words for 'I'm surely the reason it was so bad', but ye...Kinda got me out of an art funk, I guess. So that's something...maybe...

[robinismywifee]

Back to the Old House - Chapter 6:

September 4th, 2034

[4 days after last chapter]

Raines age: 16 years, 6 months

Ellies age: 15 years, 3 months

CW: Struggling with eating, anxiety

Words: 3046

Masterlist

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Raines POV:

As I got dressed for the first day of school, I couldn't stop thinking about Cat.

Jesse seemed like he wasn't close with her and their interactions were kind of awkward, but they probably were a lot more awkward because I was just silently standing there. And who was Cat talking about when she said 'we are all gonna watch a movie' and invited Jesse to come? Would Ellie be there? Or was it a separate friend group? Since Cat mentioned that Dina would be there, maybe it was just Dinas girl friends and Jesse would join them, which is why he was so awkward?

Yeah, theres no way Jesse would be friends with Ellie. I would have seen them talking or he would have mentioned her by now. Yeah, definitely no way, he loves to talk about his friends and I would remember if he mentioned Ellie.

Also, I really hoped that Cat didn't tell anyone about the whole, me-calling-Ellie-that-word thing. Fortunately, I don't think she did since Jesse never mentioned it and didn't treat me any different after that day.

I had eaten breakfast with Maria and Tommy earlier this morning but they had to leave early since today was a busy day. Point is, it was an empty house. So when I finished tying my shoes and heard a knock at the door, I was confused.

I quickly grabbed my bag and left my room, once I made it to the front door, I peaked through the little hole. Fuck, it's actually for me.

I took a deep breath in, and opend the door, "Hey Raine, I figured you'd not wanna walk alone, and it'd be easier if we all walked together" Jesse smiled, glancing over to his girlfriend, since him and Dina got back together at that hangout Cat had invited him to.

"Hey, I don't know if you remember, but i'm Dina" she said with a shy smile, probably nervous of how I was gonna react this time.

I nodded, "Yeah, i'm sorry for.. how I acted last time I saw you. I'm not good at meeting new people." I said, fidgeting with my hands, I had practiced for this moment along with meeting other students and teachers.

Dina smiled genuinely, "It's okay, I get it, it must be stressful for you" I smiled back, unsure of how to reply.

"Knew you'd two would get along sooner or later! Now c'mon, we're gonna be late!" Jesse interrupted, which I silently thanked because it would have gotten awkward, real fast.

As we walked, I talked more with Dina. She actually wasn't bad, and was pretty great. I can see why Jesse likes her.

Once we got to the school building, I realized how much I was talking with Dina, it surprised me that I wasn't struggling too much with talking to her. She kept it chill, while Jesse would add in crazy or random things.

I followed them to the third floor of the building, "First class! Math. Kinda boring" Dina mumbled, as we entered the room.

There was about 15 other kids seated, all around my age. Dina dragged me by my arm to one of the tables, "Wow, if I knew you were gonna steal my girlfriend I wouldn't have introduced you two." Jesss sarcastically mumbled.

All the Tables sat 2 people each. and were pushed together into 3 horizontal rows. We sat in the row furthest from the front of the room, I sat in the first table on the left side, in the right chair of the table alone, with Dina sitting next to me in the other table, then Jesse next to Dina. Nobody else was in the row with us.

The teachers desk was in the front of the room in the right corner, she sat with a smile on her face, chatting with some teenagers that were in the front row, she seemed in her mid 30s.

More and more students came in and sat down, except I didn't pay much attention to them since me, Dina, and Jesse were busy chatting about our favorite foods, and what we hadn't had but wanted to try. I did more listening then chatting. Jesse really wanted apple pie.

Someone sat down next to Jesse which made him leave the conversation to chat to instead, I didn't really look to see who it was as I was daydreaming about the meal Dina was describing that her mom used to make.

"And she would melt the cheese and add herbs to it-"

A voice cut my train of thought off. Annoying and high pitchhed. I turned to where it came from, only to see her and her stupid short black hair. But what caught my attention was the girl that sat to the right of her.

My heart sped up and my eyes widened.

How the fuck did I not even think about that chances of her being here?

She sat looking down at her lap, playing with her hands, and leg bobbing up and down. Her stupid girlfriend was faced the complete opposite of her to talk to Jesse, that she didn't even notice her poor, anxious, girlfriend.

I could feel my heart starting to pump, when the loud, chatting, class got shushed by the teachers loud voice.

"Good morning everyone!" She cheered, with a big smile. Everyone stopped their conversations to turn to her, replying back with different variations.

"I am so ready to be back, I missed you all so much"

This is already a trillion times better then dumb QZ school. She was smiling, greeting the class in a nice manner, saying she missed her students? This all felt so foreign.

"We have some new students, so welcome welcome, i'll be your teacher for the rest of the year for a few different subjects! I'm Miss Collins"

The teacher then took attendance, I felt my heart speed up when I heard Ellie mumble a quiet, 'here'.

It reminded me of back at the QZ when my heart would speed up from it too. I didn't like the feeling.

Miss Collins didn't really teach anything today, it was just kinda her going over what we were going to learn starting tomorrow, and the subjects she teached; math, science, health.

Then, right as Miss Collins finished explaining where we went after lunch, the bell went off. She had earlier explained how the bell worked just in case people didn't already know.

Everyone stood up and began to leave, it was overwhelming the amount of people there was. Even though I knew I was safe, I felt endangered.

"Hey, you okay?" Jesse asked, "Oh, yeah, i'm fine. Lets go" I quickly replied, he nodded, knowing I wasn't, but didn't push any further.

Cat and Ellie had already left and was infront of us everyone walked down the halls, Dina was holding Jesses hand and had her hand on my shoulder so we wouldn't get lost in the crowd.

Once we made it to the cafeteria, everyone sat down at random tables with their friends. The cafeteria just had random placement of tables and in the corner there was a place were you could get food.

Dina took us to a table in the corner since it was the only good spot left, I spotted Cat and Ellie only 2 tables away.

Once we all sat down, I noticed that I had the perfect view of Ellie. Fuck.

"Did you bring a lunch Raine?"

I nodded my head, Maria had packed me a lunch, "Yeah, but.. i'm not really hungry"

"Oh, big breakfast?" Dina asked, I nodded, picking at my nails. Little bit more then half a scrambled egg? Hudge breakfast.

"Well, i'm gonna go get my lunch since I didn't pack any. I'll be right back!" Dina said happily, getting up and making her way over to the food stand.

"So, whattya think?" Jesse asked, looking like an idiot as he did jazz hands.

"Huh?" I asked confused, he sighed, putting down his hands, "About school so far! Duh!"

"Oh.. I mean we don't get to learn anything till tomorrow.. so, I dunno" I replied, watching as he took out his bagged lunch, dumping it out on the table.

"True, but, what do you think about what you've experienced so far?" he questioned, unraveling his sandwich.

"Uh.."

To be honest I just spent the whole 'experience' thinking about Ellie or watching her from my peripheral vision..

"It's okay so far."

Jesse finished swallowing his food before nodding, "Yeah, okay, that isn't a negative answer, i'll take it!"

Dina then came back with her school food, which looked to be a really sad sandwich with barley any meat in it, and grapes.

"So, are you excited for your art class next period?" Dina asked, popping a grape in her mouth. Next period was all the 'extra' classes that you signed up for; gym, art, or medical. If you didn't wanna do any of those, then you go down a floor and help with the daycare.

I smiled slightly, "Yeah i'm actually excited for that"

"It should be fun, everybody I know whos taken it loved it. Plus everyone says the teachers nice"

"Whos the teacher?"

"Oh, it's the same girl that works at the library, everybody calls her Mrs R, her last name is hard to pronounce. I've met her a few times though, she's super artsy and cool!" Dina explained,

I nodded, excitement building up in me.

"Hey you sure you're not hungry?" Jesse randomly asked, "Yeah, like I said, big breakfast." I nodded.

Dina and Jesse started to tell a story of how Jesse tried to become a bird a few winters ago- or some weird shit like that, but the whole time, I was staring at the girl a few meters infront of me, zoning out on her. She was so close that I could faintly make out her and Cats conversation- well at least whenever Jesse didn't yap in my ear.

"Can't you just pretend like that never happened?"

Ellie said, a frustrated look on her face, eye brows scrunched and eyes squinted. Cats annoying voice spoke back-

"Why are you defending her! Shes an asshole!"

"You don't fucking know her!"

"I know enough!"

Ellie rolled her eyes, and went to stand up, but Cats hand grabbed tightly on her wrist, pulling her back down,

"Cat, let go."

I watched as Cat shook her head no,

"Come on Ellie just sit back down, I'm sorry I yelled, I don't wanna argue"

Cat sounded like she was gonna cry,

"Cat, just let go."

I heard Cat talk but couldn't make out words, it sounded like she was pleading to Ellie, and then, Ellie ripped her hand away from Cats grip, She took her bag and left.

The exit happened to be right behind me and the table I sat at, so Ellie had to go in my direction.

As Ellie sped walked with her head down, she glanced up and instantly made eye contact with me. I was stuck in the trance and didn't look away.

As Ellie stared back at me, I could see her watery eyes, she then quickly moved her head back down and moved her eyes to the floor. I noticed a tear run down her cheek.

As she sped walked out of the cafeteria, I glanced at Cat to see her death staring me. She gave me one last look that could kill, and then turned away.

I look behind me at the exist. I then remember what Maria packed me: a chicken sandwich.

I don't know what type of food Ellie does or doesn't like, but who doesn't like chicken? Plus Maria told me that I got lucky staying with her since she has first dibs on the good food, so Ellie probably doesn't have chicken just laying around in her fridge, and it's definitely a step up from the cafeteria food that she was not even eating.

I glanced between Jesse and Dina who were cought up in a playful argument. I grabbed my backpack off the ground, swinging it over my arms, made sure Cat or anybody wasn't looking, and left.

I didn't even realize what I was doing when I made it to the bathroom. It wasn't until I opened the door and our eyes already contected. Blue meeting green.

My heart sped up, Why the fuck am I doing this?

I started silently freaking out, the door making a loud noise shutting behind me jolted me out of my trance.

Ellie was now looking away. Anywhere but me. Her face was red and many tears were staining her cheeks.

I gulped, I guess since i'm already here i'll just do what I came for. and moved my backpack off my shoulder, so it was on one of my shoulders and infront of me. I unzipped it and opened the paper bag that was still in my backpack. I pulled out the wrapped sandwich, along with a napkin. I zipped my bag with one hand, and put it over both my shoulders again.

Ellie was watching me with scrunched brows confused. I slowly stepped over to her till she was at arms length, and reached out to her, with the sandwich in hand, motioning for her to grab it.

She hesitantly reached her hand out, "I- Is this posion?" she asked in a voice that you could hear she had been crying.

I shook my head no, and moved closer to her waiting for her to take it, "Its' chicken" I mumbled in a quiet voice. She looked into my eyes and back to the wrapped food, and slowly took it from me.

After she took, I immediately turned around and left, I heard her call my name and for me to

wait, but I just sped walked away.

୨♡୧

I walked into the Art classroom, it was already filled to the brim. It was a small room packed with supplies, I smiled slightly at all the paint and material laying around the room. There was even canvas stands with white untouched canvases in the corner.

"Welcome, welcome, you may sit anywhere!" I heard a voice say, I turned to the right to see who I assumed the teacher. After giving her a second glance, I could confirm, she was. Her dark brown curly hair was in a messy bun, strands flying everywhere, she had a pencil ontop of her ear and red reading glasses with the beads around her neck so the glasses wouldnt fall off, and her for her outfit she seemed to be wearing a long plaid dress.. definitely a librarian and an artist.

I looked around the room to choose were to sit. My small smile dropped when I saw Cat. She didn't seem to notice me yet though.

I walked over to an empty table, sitting down and began to fidgit with my hands under the desk nervously.

I saw converse shoes walk in the door, and I immediately recognized whos feet they were. My eyes widened and I looked up to make sure. Yep. There stood Ellie Williams. Of fucking course she would take this class! Any time Riley wasn't with her, her damn nose was either in her notebook or those dorky comics.

Mrs R welcomed Ellie, and they held a conversation for a few minutes, catching up. They seemed to get along well.

It felt so weird to hear Ellies voice. Especially how you could hear her smile in it, and I noticed how her voice got at least a pitch deeper then back at the QZ.

Once they finished their short conversation, I watched in my peripheral vision how Ellies eyes got wide when she noticed me in the class. Ellie stood frozen for a good 30 seconds, before looking around the room. I heard her sigh, and watched as she walked over to Cat.

"Hey Baby.." Cat said to Ellie, I visibly cringed.

"i'm really sorry if I made you upset earlier.. I didn't mean to, and we could talk more about Ra-"

"Shhh- keep your voice down Cat!"

It almost sounded like Cat was gonna say my name? But Ellie cut her off.. probably just me overthinking.

"Wha- why?"

Cat hummed quietly, but the classroom was filled with calm chatter and they sat sorta close to me, so I still could hear.

Ellie then whispered really quietly to Cat, and Cat whispered back, seeming suprised. I really wish I could hear them better.

A girl with blonde hair came in and sat down next to me, not saying a word to me, she only sat down next to me since it was the only open seat left, so I didn't think much of it.

The class then started, and I almost forgot about Ellie, when Mrs R talked about the art we were to learn. Almost.

As much as I tried not to, I kept on glancing at Ellie. Almost everytime I looked at her, she was already looking at me. I hated it.

It's not my fault we were both facing eachother!

The bell went off an hour and a half later. It was nice, Mrs R made it fun. I even talked to the blonde girl since she made us talk to whoever we sat with. Her name was Claire. She was also relatively new to Jackson.

As I got up, Ellie passed by my table, she even made eye contact when she passed, her eyes were strained. What I didn't expect was to see her place down a tiny folded paper on my table.

I looked up to her with scrunched eyebrows, but she already had her back turned and was existing the classroom.

I looked to my left to see Claire just now getting up, she was eyeing the paper, probably wondering what it was.

I took the paper in my hand and turned so Claire couldn't see it, unfolding it. The paper held one word.

why?

[ballsballsbowls]

I lied and I'm making a new thread for this because I was going to keep it brief and I am not succeeding.

I think it's actually a sign that Katie was a fundamentally good person because she was not particularly good at harassing me (either that or I was simply not a very good mark. Or both.) The fact that I, again, knew we were not friends and knew there was no benign reason she was interacting with me probably did not make her life any easier.

The first one, she caught me in a big group of people before Choir class and said, loudly, "I just wanted to know if you're okay with me dating Matt. Since you're, you know, obsessed with him."

I wish I could say that I had a snappy comeback, but I was more confused than anything. I sputtered something once I realized what she was on about, but she got people talking about it, people outside of our class, and that was what mattered.

I suspect, for all her bluster, that she knew that I wasn't wrong about Matt, because she deliberately chose to approach me in a class that we didn't share with Matt and didn't include any of his immediate friends.

She did that one a few more times, asking me loudly how I felt about it in classes with bigger groups of students, and she would go stand and be so lovey-dovey (within the bounds of acceptable PDA) while standing in front of my locker, because Matt's locker was inexplicably 5 lockers down from mine for two consecutive years in spite of our names not being anywhere near each other alphabetically (I never did figure out how that happened).

The most memorable one, though, was she came into Honors English with a folded-up note and gave it to me, and she and two of her buds wanted me to read it while they sat and watched. I opened it up and glanced at it to see...a note allegedly from a secret admirer asking me to wait around after school so we could talk. I still can't tell you what the intention was if I stayed after school.

Now like...so even if this WAS real, I cannot overstate how incredibly burned out by school I was at this point. I think my first thought was, "if this IS real somehow, I cannot believe someone would think I would be impressed by a Secret Admirer right now. I HAVE a secret admirer and it's not really all that great. I desperately want someone who isn't afraid to loudly say that they want to be seen with me and like me for who I am. A Secret Admirer doesn't mean dick to me." And genuinely was like, disgusted by the cowardice this would have required. But I knew it wasn't real.

I glanced at it, looked back up at 3 sets of expectant eyes going, "WELL? What do you think? What are you going to say?"

I looked her dead in the eye and went, "...don't you think he's got awfully girly handwriting? Pretty weird, if you ask me."

This shut all of them pretty fast, and I'm, to this day, unsure how they thought someone in Honors classes with them would fall for something like that? I was a year younger than them but honestly?

I threw the note away immediately after class, which I sort of regret. Not because I thought it would bring back any good memories, but because I wish I could see it the way it actually looked, not the way I remember it my head from 2 decades out, a poor mental copy of a poor mental copy of a poor mental copy.

This was also extremely frustrating for me because there'd very much been a detente on people bullying me since 10th grade, because everyone who'd been a dick to me had either graduated, been expelled, or had Matt say or do SOMETHING to them that it stopped.

Matt's besties did see this happen, but I am unsure if he ever found out about it or if the three of them just chalked it up to Girls Being Girls.

So, I told you all of this to tell you about prom, which I'll do the next day or so.

[ikemenomegas]

lee and sasuke wasn't something i'd considered before but you described a truly great seed if i ever felt up to exploring that!!! thanks!!! personally i'm Big Fan of sai and shino but setting aside our favourite kikaichu-boy sai though......??? sai and lee just seems like a very very interesting combination based on a tenet of honesty, and because they could also bond over bodies like lee could with sasuke and lee's innate ability to connect to a certain outsider archetype- just look at gaara lol but also-- ...yeah i go hard with sai and lee being good friends and also more lmao

It's so funny that you mention Gaara, because I was so so tempted to add him to the list, but I really like Lee and Gaara as lifelong friends/allies who have this deep respect they don't share with anyone else, and I find it unlikely that Konoha would let it's new 8-gates master leave the village to mate someone else... Of the main group, I think Gaara and Lee are only ones to have had a spar (I'm not counting the shukaku vs kyuubi because that was a different thing) that ended in a particularly bad sort of way - with Lee almost permanently injured and in the hospital - only to fight beside each other a few months later. (Can you all tell sasuke retrieval arc was probably my favorite thing, the way each individual fight was crafted as a way for the boys to work out some major personal issues was so good, I miss the pacing of the og series)

But anon, anon, you have me absolutely vibrating. Shino is not on my list at the moment because I feel he would be difficult for me to write, but I can see it! Shino and Sai have that very quiet introvert + quiet extrovert thing going on. I'm not certain if they or Lee and Sai even speak in the show, so it didn't occur to me, but I agree these are some excellent pairings.

You're very right about Lee's ability to connect with those who are a little "outside" of the usual.

Lee and Sai have different approaches to honesty and different perspectives on honor but I absolutely pick up what you're putting down where they oddly seem to come to complementary conclusions about the way they want to interact with the people around them. Lee and Sai would also likely do without the sniping that Sasuke is known for. Sai imitates Sasuke's on occasion, but it's an act and Sai is not really that confrontational with the people around him, he's more likely to say something uncomfortable and true and let the chips fall. Alpha is going to be doing a lot of... not quite damage control but something between these two lol.

The only thing I would say is that yes, Sai's difficulties regarding connection with his "self" are similar to Sasuke's disconnect with his physical body, but Sasuke is deeply in touch with his emotions, while Sai as an artist is very aware of his physical self.

Sasuke's primary drive is the emotional connections he has with his immediate family, his friends, and his clan, his people. That might be part of the separation between his body and his desires - they have not always moved him towards the same goal, and his body has "failed" him more than once. Omegaverse Sasuke particularly feels this way because heats feel like a regularly scheduled reminder of weakness and until he experiences the emotional tether of a mate, he finds them deeply frustrating and gets rid of them with some grade-a genuine article Orochimaru drugs.

Sai is an artist, but he is specifically a painter. In more than one drama, painting is directly compared to a warrior's fighting style, which makes it very interesting that for Sai they are not only a comparison, but one and the same. For Sai, his paintings are one of the only ways he's able to connect his physical self to what he's feeling. I would even say that he's the most aware of his physical self when he is painting. At all other times though, I do think that you are right, that while Sai does sort of instinctually inhabit his physicality the way any very skilled physical performer does, that he doesn't connect his emotions to his body. Maybe a bit of inverse to the way Sasuke doesn't feel he can always connect his body to his emotions...

Since we're saying things today, the idea of Sasuke/Lee came to me because of the parallels between their respective mentors. Kakashi/Guy works very well as a ship, both logically and emotionally, but I like them as friends, simply because their bond is so particular. Kakashi has so few true friends though that in my writing, I preferentially preserve that profoundly cultivated relationship between them as an unshakeable friendship rather than a romantic entanglement. Thought it would be fun to play that out in their students instead ;)

[hartlow]

the last post i reblogged reminds me of this girl i met at summer camp. her name was sabrina; she was a year or two older than me, so she was in a different cabin and i rarely saw her. she was really popular with both the kids and the counselors, but the two times we interacted, she was kinder than anyone had ever been to me before.

first time we met: i was relaxing in a hammock when she passed by me with a group of other girls (that was during a period of time where you're technically not allowed to just be in the hammocks, but i was a 12 year old hiding my chronic illness; if she knew that was the rule, she didn't say anything). she told me the dinner bell rang a while ago, so i quickly got up like "oh crap, i didn't hear it". she asked if i wanted to walk with her and the other girls. this was SUPER awkward for me as a 12 year old. she was a 14 year old with other 14 year olds, and when you're that age, you think 14 year olds are so much cooler than you. i said sure anyway, though, and as we walked up the hill, she asked me what my name was. i immediately panicked. i don't know if what i had was exactly a lisp, but s's and l's were hard for me when i was nervous, and my deadname had one of those letters, so i introduced myself in the WORST way possible. stuttering, very quiet, basically lisping my name. i cringed at myself and was dreading the possibility of her mishearing me saying a different name, and me having to correct her, as i often had to do with people. but she just smiled as if i didn't completely fuck up, and was like "(deadname)? i like that, that's pretty!". we might've talked more before we reached the dining hall and split up to sit with our cabins, but that at least stuck out to me most. getting a compliment like that from a complete stranger, not to mention one of the Cool Kids in my eyes was very shocking.

second time: it was a different day, and a collection of kids were on the dining hall porch, which had some games set up on the picnic tables. i was aimlessly walking from game to game to observe other people, and started standing on the sidelines as sabrina was playing apples to apples with some campers. they were definitely deep into the game, but sabrina saw that i was watching her, and said to me "here, you look like you want to play. you can have my seat!". not only did she say it, but she genuinely, very quickly got up out of her seat and made a motion for me to sit there. THIS FREAKED MY ANXIOUS ASS OUT LOL. i felt so appreciated, but i genuinely did NOT want to play with these people i didn't know, so it was very awkward as i stuttered, again, and convinced her she could continue playing. i probably straight up ran away to some other area of the camp after that. i don't remember.

i do know that, at least at one point, i ran away to the bathrooms to stare at myself in the mirror, because i was scared i was gay.

i was gay. i interacted with a lot of kind girls there, a lot of them much more frequently than sabrina, and none of them made me freak out the way she would. we had two interactions, and i was kept very occupied at that camp, yet i would still find myself thinking about her. she had long, curly blonde hair and blue eyes. i had never noticed anyone's eye color that wasn't a family member before. i remember pretentiously comparing them in my mind to sapphires.

that year was her last year before you aged out of the camp. i had really wanted her contact information (because i "just wanted to be her friend"), but i chickened out in the end since we hardly talked, and a middle schooler trying to become friends with a high schooler felt unbelievably humiliating. her opinion mattered to me too much, so if she ghosted me, or god forbid rejected me right in front of me, it would've broken me. i couldn't take that risk. i had to go home, knowing i wouldn't see her again and it was honestly heart-wrenching.

it still gets me a little sad. do i think i would've ended up dating this girl at 12 years old? of course not. my mindset was nowhere near that concept. with how unstable i was, it was probably wise that i protected my mental health and didn't risk the rejection. yet she was so nice... even if she turned me down, which she probably would have, she probably would've done it in a very kind way, and then i could say i had given it a shot. or maybe we could've ended up friends, which would've been fantastic. i needed that kind of positivity in my life.

you really have to risk giving things a try. i learned that the hard way. but i'm at least glad i met her in the first place. remembering her always reminds me people aren't so bad.

[nightmare-foundation]

I keep seeing and impulsively checking the blog of an old fairly toxic friend of mine n I just.

Man. Why do YOU have to be doing well. Why am I the only one who looks back and ends up feeling awful.

Not that I want him to suffer. It's better he doesn't. But like,, I'm always the one on the chopping block between the two of us. It's been 4 YEARS and one month since we've completely ceased contact. Yet my dumb ass STILL can't not think abt him at random

Like,, I'm sure I wasn't completely innocent. I was a really weird 13 year old who never had a genuine friend before, not to mention my mental illness and trauma I had yet to uncover. Yet the only person who never communicated nor seemed to care about our friendship was him. I could be pushy at times, yeah, but I always backed down if told no and whatnot.

Not only that, but I'm still annoyed that he straight up LIED about me and what I was like. One of his (ADULT) friends had contacted me in late 2018, claiming I was, and I quote, "manipulative, misgendered him, and used him as an emotional dump truck". I was 13 years old, and my only friend besides one other person had blocked me for no reason.

Literally for that WHOLE month, I was terrified. I had panic attacks and was anxious as hell. And I'll admit I was a little dependent on him, but I was still fucked from that experience.

Once we started talking again and boundaries set up. He SORT of apologized, but always insisted he was an awful friend, so I ended up having to comfort him instead. I always made excuses and everything for him, convinced that I was awful. And literally like,, there was no effort put in from his side after that. Aaaand then April 2019, I was suddenly messaged and blocked, and that was the last time we talked.

I was hurt obv but like. After that. I kept on being targeted by his adult friends (we were both 14, the friends were at LEAST 23+). Deadass I still don't know what the hell was said abt me but I KNOW it wasn't good. Bc before I knew it I had someone call me a pathetic bitch while I was having a panic attack over feeling guilty for shit I didn't do, then I was banned from like 3 system servers for "interacting inappropriately with a minor". Cue me literally being 14 at the time, a csa survivor, with no evidence even when I asked repeatedly for it, with literally no access to anyone younger than me bc of discords TOS.

The stress from that LITERALLY made us split several times and caused us to switch hosts. Sammy, the alter who was host at the time, is likely STILL dormant. All of that happened in practically the same year.

I'm still fucking baffled by it, angry, and hurt. It's been 4 damn years and I'm 90% sure he doesn't even remember us now.

Like,, christ I still can't interact with the undertale fandom for long bc it makes me remember him. I can't even look at art styles resembling his bc it makes me sick! I am TERRIFIED of venting bc I'm scared someone will lash out at me or accuse me of dumping all of my trauma on them. I'm scared I'm doing something wrong without knowing it and that tomorrow I'll wake up to having no friends bc they all blocked me.

Hell, I have issues trusting people who use the same name as him! I avoid a whole GROUP of people because I'm terrified they'll recognize me and start drama with false claims. Anyone who may have been so much as NEAR him I can't completely interact with besides a couple reblogs here and there.

And like,, I'm sure he's doing completely fine. That he's entirely unaware of the damage he caused. And, yeah, good for him, he's not suffering like I am. But also,, I'm painfully envious. I wish I was left pain free.

It's so stupid. It was 4 years ago. I really need to get over it.

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

Thank you for the lovely advice!

We are the same as always is when we hang out. My town is quite small so I know everyone and everyone knows me.

Our friend group are a weird bunch of people who are non judgemental first of all, and that's what got us together. Maybe you know and maybe you don't but small towns can be quite harsh to people that are or look "different".

I'm quite introverted so I let her have her space and to make other friends, I'm content in just our friend group, so I have no desire to make new friends, or haven't had in a while. So we're already on that "we don't have to hear from eachother often".

She knows I'm a hermit, and although or interaction is not as frequent (we see eachother every couple of weeks), when we do see eachother it's very meaningful.

So it's just a bummer to have her dismiss this, and pretend everything is fine when it has not been quite a while. And I'm weird about it, since I say it exactly how it is and she tends to avoid conflict, so I'm unsure how to approach this.

The latest developments are:

She's been pushing our movie nights away by not answering, I let her know at the beginning of the week I will be free Friday, Saturday and Sunday, she did not respond to those.

Messaged me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I was here in town, since I was busy that last week, and asked if I can make some time to go out with her and someone else.

She sent that yesterday morning expecting me to say yes so we can probably go out that same day.

I wasn't free and frankly, her question pissed me off just a bit, since she disregarded everything I said previously, so I didn't respond to her the whole day, until that evening. And now she is 👻

Thank you again for answering my previous ask, I just feel like I've been going in circles here feeling crazy.

I really hope you're having a wonderful day so far! We have some sunshine and wind currently, my favourite! 🩷

Perhaps her lack of response to your messages is just out of being genuinely busy or not having the mental capacity to reply in that moment?

I don't think her messaging you last minute was an attempt to slight or disrespect you, she probably realised she'd forgotten to message back and felt awful, so wanted to see if you were free to hang out then. I bet if you'd have gone she'd have been stroked to see you.

Why not reach out and say something along the lines of "I'm really sorry I wasn't able to make it to hang out the other day, I would have loved to but it was really last minute, and I already had plans. What's your availability over the next couple of weeks? It would be great to plan something to do together, just the two of us, as I'm missing your company."

It's open ended enough that there's no pressure on her or you and allows you enough advanced warning to actually get a date in the diary. You could also use the time that you hang out to talk through how you're feeling.

I've just finished a super busy work day and my back is hurting, so I'm looking forward to relaxing and laying in the bath this evening!

[lifeofagirlnameddan]

This Life (Prt 4)

August came and we both enrolled for a volleyball camp in school. On the end of the first day, he and I were waiting for my ride home. He'll be visiting my house for the first time. He ate lunch with us here at home, and we built some gundams (He bought it for me but I had no clue on how to build it) Soon he had to leave, so I walked him down the stairs... We stopped at the middle of the stairway, I gave him a hug as I said goodbye, I'll see him after the next day, and right before that... he leans us against the wall, inches apart... closing the gap.... for only a split second! That was my first kiss! And I honestly loved it... It was so soft...so quick and the feeling was electrifying. I walked him out the gate unable to look him in the eyes, for every time we looked at each other our faces plastered with two huge goofy ass grins. He left and I ran back to my room squealing. Right after that the next time I saw him, kisses were now unlocked and that move is clearly a favorite. After August, school was starting once again. But there was an event, a school anniversary fair, so I invited him and we attended it on a weekend. It was fun, we ate, saw friends, and we did...kiss a lot more too, and we went out to eat ramen. He and I were having a blast, but for some reason a pang of guilt hit me as I never told my family about this... Knowing my mothers refusal to any relationship, I told S about my concerns, deciding if we were to break it off amidst the happiness. I was going to...but then I stopped, I didn't go through with it because I wanted to be happy with him and I deluded that perhaps mom will understand and let me have this? Besides it was his birthday the next week so it would be cruel to do that to him! By his birthday we went out with his friends, I only came for a moment but it was worth it while it lasted. I met his mother, I fumbled a bit since I wasn't wearing my glasses I didn't recognize her face so it may have seemed like I was ignoring her. I wanted to clear that up so badly. Eventually October and November came, and we would meet through hangouts with our other friends, go on double dates with his best friend and his gf. By a week before Christmas I invited S and another friend of mine (CC) to bake cookies together. Oh it was fun, being a little sneaky with S in my home, hiding away from my little sister and little cousins. And it was all fun and games really, we played Monopoly and had a lightsaber battle. CC left early and S stayed until 11pm. Often times, when he's free or around the area, S would come to visit my house and bring me gifts. Honestly he is so sweet. I gave him a jacket, pins, stickers, a sword, a plushie, and other hand crafted things. He'd bring me candies and snacks when I least expect it. He'd visit me in school as well, although I have to race down against his group of friends. Honestly dating him was like sharing him with the boys HAHAH. His friends are amazing, they've got genuine personality, deranged, insane, fun and drama-free. I find myself naturally accepted by them, me and all our friends combined makes just a big group of people who like and share similar interests, love of food, and harmonized interactions. I was so lucky to have met S, so lucky that I haven't felt depressed in so long, I learned to love without being so needy and I learned to put myself first and make boundaries even in a relationship. S helped me love my country, love my life and wanted to work hard for my future. And S told me that being with me brought back the light in his eyes, and his friends would say he's become a better person ever since then and I honestly have fallen in love with him...

January came, I didn't think we'd see each other at the start of 2024. But he showed up January 3, at my house to greet me. Honestly how dedicated are you???? We went on a date a few days after. I had my school sports fest at an arena far off, at first I didn't want to join but I heard S was going (Why? Even if he's no longer a student, it has perks to have a younger brother who is still in the same school as me) So when I heard he was attending, I showed up last minute to surprise him. Honestly I thought he was mad at me! He refused to look at me and talk to me after I surprised him, I became salty...Turns out he was just trying to contain his excitement...

February, my birthday, He showed up a week before to see me. Then my plans for my 18th birthday was to go on a trip with friends, an overnight at a mountain resort. It was an amazing experience, he was amazing, and it was so fun. We went on a sky bike together, crossed a bridge, went swimming, went on a sky swing together... Then we played video games, card games, ate lots of food, and his mom and dad treated me to dinner. (The only thing I wish didn't happen that time was me falling off a roof as the first time for me to meet his dad...) The day was so fun...and at night... well we'll skip that blissful night's details... By the next day we had one last activity before we leave, I rode in his van apart from my family, I fell asleep on him.. ehe...

March and April consisted of movie and mall dates, it was getting harder since our school requirements were piling up....

May 2, 2024

I went out to meet S in a cafe, it was a quick meet just wanting to catch up... We had a date set for the next day... As I left he gave me a kiss and kissed my cheek goodbye, something felt off this month...

May 3, 2024

I knew it, my mother found out about us and told me to come home. I'm not allowed to go out or commute anymore, and she'll be driving me in and out of school again... She spoke to me about it, she's not against S himself, she just said it wasn't the right time... She told me he was a good person and that I should keep him as a friend, but I should stop the relationship. Oh how I cried... I miss him... I love him, how can I break his heart like this? I followed her either way, and S understood... it took us a day of crying to talk again, he said we'll stay friends and that he doesn't resent me for this and that he's willing to wait. I love him for that, I'll wait for him as well. Up until now we have still been talking to each other daily, the only thing that every stopped was the affectionate words, physical touch and random gifts.

May 23, 2024

My my, it the present already... It's been my finals week and I have been stressing out my life, but S has still been there all this time. I'll see him tomorrow, we're going out with our friends for the first time in so long now to watch the Haikyuu: Dumpster Battle at the cinemas. This loop in life... is it different now? Is S the path going straightforward? I'm not just going in circles am I?

this is the update of the life of a girl named dan...

[cheloumita]

To the one who told me he likes me

First off, I really want to thank you for sincerely confessing your feelings to me. You made your intentions clear and provided me with a sense of clarity that's quite unfamiliar to me. My past has been filled with fleeting glances, unfulfilled assurances, and insincere apologies, so your courage in expressing yourself stands out, especially given that this is the first time you’ve experienced such emotions and made a confession. Your revelation caught me off guard, and those around us were equally surprised. None of us saw this coming. So, I'm curious, what made you like me?

It wasn't too long ago that we became aware of each other's existence. Our interactions have been rather limited, only occurring a few times.

Sure, we spent a couple of days together with a group of friends, but we didn't delve into any deep or lengthy discussions. Our interactions remained light and lacking in depth. We spent time engaging in group activities, with minimal one-on-one conversations. I didn't realize you were closely observing me. Still, given our lack of interaction, you merely caught a glimpse of a facade. The only time we had a meaningful conversation was during dinner with my other friend. Yet, honestly, I didn't think much of it as the conversation didn't flow smoothly – at least from my (and also my friend’s) perspective.

Throughout the limited time we spent together, you only witnessed my fun and carefree side. The side that everyone seems to adore, the side that easily draws people in. However, that's not the complete representation of me. Most of your knowledge about me came from what others have said.

So again, why do you like me? Why was it so easy for you to confirm your feelings after encountering me only a few times?

If I put myself in your shoes, considering the information I had gathered and couple of fun-filled days spent together, I might understand why your feelings developed. It's easy to like someone when they're at their best, and it seems like you've mostly seen me during those moments. You caught me during my positive moments.

However, that version of me is not a constant. I'm not always the life of the party. I'm an introverted, type A, goal-oriented individual who likes to do things alone, never asks for help, and often prioritizes responsibilities over my own well-being. Many nights, I wrestle with exhaustion and tears. I'm not always the joyful companion you met. 

What if you got to know the less appealing aspects of me? The flaws and vulnerabilities? Would your feelings remain unchanged? Could you still confidently say that you like me?

Let’s be honest, your affection is founded on the “beautiful” side of me that you’ve seen. I don’t want to undermine your emotions, but I can’t help but wish you had taken more time to truly get to know me before sharing your feelings.

It would have been beneficial if you had taken more time to observe me, build a friendship, and genuinely get to know me before revealing your feelings. I've had my fair share of heartbreaks, whereas this is your first experience with such emotions. I've seen this scenario play out too many times, knowing exactly how it unfolds. People have confessed their affection for me, demonstrated their sincerity, gotten to know every facet of me, and then disappeared without a word when the thrill faded.

So, if I were to ask you once more, "Why do you like me?" how would you respond? Would your answer be the typical ones like "She's enjoyable to be around" or "I can see her strong connection with God"? Anyone can put on those fronts. What truly resonates with you about me? What can you say about me that isn’t borrowed from someone else’s viewpoint? What led you to believe that confessing your feelings to me was the right move? 

It’s entirely possible that my trust issues are influencing my thoughts here. Nonetheless, these inquiries arise from past encounters; this isn’t my first time navigating such situations. While you’re grappling with these intense emotions for the first time, perhaps your heart is guiding you more than your head. Your current feelings might be overwhelming, all-consuming, and passionate. You might have formed a certain perception of me, and it's probable that as you come to know the real me – the everyday version – you might reconsider and think, "Perhaps I rushed into this" or "Maybe my feelings weren't as strong as I believed."

It is brave to say you like someone, especially when you’re only exposed to their likable side. But it’s even braver for someone to take the time and exhibit enough patience to truly understand someone beyond the surface, to embrace all the less likable parts of you, and THEN decide to stay and accept you. It’s much more admirable for someone to not only consider their own feelings and seek relief by confessing their emotions abruptly just because they can’t contain them anymore, but also to show consideration and patience in withholding those overwhelming feelings. This ensures that the receiving end of such a confession doesn’t feel scared or awkward, but instead feels at ease and safe when you decide to reveal your feelings.

To the one who told me he likes me, you still remain a stranger to me. I hope you took sufficient time to truly understand all parts of me, even the ones that are broken and healing. I hope we laid the foundation of friendship first. I hope I learned to feel at ease with you before anything else. I hope our conversations delved deep enough for you to gauge how I might react to such a sudden confession.

To the one who told me he likes me, please  understand that I'm not an easy person to love. Trust takes time, and I gradually open my heart to others.

To the one who told me he likes me, I hope you get to know the real me with your eyes wide open, not clouded by the hearts in your eyes, but well aware of all my flaws because I know I have tons of them. 

To the one who told me he likes me, I hope you try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them. Because feelings change abruptly. And declaring a feeling that may (and will!) fade in a few moments turn into a promise, that’s why promises are always broken. I know that very well. 

[takeustochurch]

Pentecost Methodist Church

location: Pasir Ris (Closest MRT is Tampines East we think)

service timings:

peranakan: 0730 every 2nd Sunday of the month

english traditional (0830) and english contemporary (1100) weekly

mandarin: 1130 every 4th Sunday of the month

youth: every 0900 every last Sunday of the month

children's ministry: 0830 and 1100 every 1st Sunday of the month

here's their website for more info!

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

'*•.¸♡overall impressions (rated by 🌘, 🍳, and 💀!)♡¸.•*'

1. friendliness

🌘: 9/10 - friendly but not CREEPY friendly, u get what I mean? I dunno how accurate our rating is bcs we alr had a friend there...so imma just lower it abit,,,

🍳: 7/10 - the youth leaders were cool!!! but also getting a more objective opinion because idk anyone there so it was weird but i think the overall vibe was fun

💀: dead. again. RIP

2. openness

(we didn't ask any qns again bcs we were scared HAHAHAHA but they did keep asking us if we wanted to clarify anything/had any qns so...)

3. service

🌘: 6/10 - the service itself was nothing too special, just the usual spiel, but I liked the topic. the pastor man was kinda confusing when he explained things tho. overall was a meh service. DEF better than the last one tho

🍳: 6/10 - more engaging than the previous one or mayb im biased but still was interesting to see how they taught the sermons because it definitely was slightly different from the previous church

💀: RIP

4. programs

🌘: i honestly dk much abt their programs but frm their youth i think its q engaging? and we visited bcs they were hosting an event and they had FREE FOOD which was. cool. they mentioned a church camp too, and it sounded p fun all things considered. also they have. A GAME ROOM? which if anything gives them some points in my book.

🍳: would say its q cool tbh theyre really engaging and helps to break the ice for newcomers to familiarise themselves with the church environment - also they were talking about a church camp??? where one of the youth groups MAY just sneak off and go shopping but who knows!!

💀: RIP

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

'*•.¸♡REVIEWS♡¸.•*'

THATS RIGHT WE BACK BABY!!! we're like those absent aunts that only come once a year and are always drunk. VERY COOL.

on to the actual church - their sermon room wasn't as cool as the previous one but NO MATTER because i later noticed that their service hall is actually on the 1st floor and the one we went to was probably the youth one on the like, 4th, floor.

their service was p cool, normal stuff, they had icebreakers but i dunno if it was just because we went there during an event sorta thing. the youth after the session was cool, the people were nice and the discussions were actually p cool. i kinda got confused but is ALL GOOD bcs they went thru it after.

THEY HAVE A GAME ROOM/ YOUTH HANG OUT PLACE that has a SWITCH. if you like super smash - boy is this the church for you. the vibes are cool and genuinely might keep going back to it bcs my friend also goes there and you can drop by the church lounge any day of the week? which i think is p cool.

omg we're BACK after surviving life and tests and projects!!!!

okaokoaky so this time we got roped into coming by 🌘's friend who appparently DID NOT KNOW we were coming together but thats COOL!!!

started w band and icebreakers, then had prayers lead by the youth leader(?) and then the pastor mans.

THEN we split off into groups to talk in youth groups i suppose which was mildly scary because idk how to talk to people??? but yes then we started discussing what the pastor was talking about during the session - was q interesting? they tried to initiate more interactive discussion then concluded.

THEN WE GOT TO THE SWITCHES THEY HAVE A WHOLE ASS ROOMMM FOR GAMES AND STUFF like there was a switch (which the boys were addicted to btw??), a random basketball lying around, a whole LIBRARY and sooo many chairs to sit around and talk.

after thattt we got free lunch (which was bombz af btw) then spedran awayyy. overall fun experience! people were welcoming and kind and it was interesting to listen to how they taught the sermons.

we'll always remember him in our hearts 😔

'*•.¸♡ THE END♡¸.•*'

[jellyfishright]

At A Distance, Spring Is Green -BL Version (Yeo Jun x Nam Soo Hyun): Chapter 2: Are you really ignoring me?

Myungil University Freshman Orientation Trip 

7:45 a.m.--15 minutes before departure time.

Soo Hyun walked to the rendezvous point. Two large buses were parked. People were gathered in clusters here and there conversing excitedly among themselves. Heads poked out from the windows of both buses.

He checked the list in his hand. The bus he was chaperoning had 30 people.

Soo Hyun was thus occupied when someone walked up to him. He'd met this girl before. Though he wasn't one who cared to socialize with others, he honestly hardly forgot names or faces. 

"I'm Kim So-Bin." she introduced herself. "I'm a junior and I'll be chaperoning this trip." He looked at her blankly. Of course he knew her name but what was the point of making her the wiser about it? 

He nodded and handed the second roster to her. "Let's check the attendance first." he announced."I'll take bus one. You take bus two." he added before stepping away. 

"I'd rather take---" what sounded like her objection drifted into his periphery hearing.

It had already been decided.

When Soo Hyun stepped on the bus there was a cluster of people gathered in the center. In the middle of that cluster was a smiling face under a heap of golden hair.

He walked up to the group who up until now, was oblivious to his arrival, being enthralled by the figure that was Yeo Jun.

"Let me take attendance." he announced.

All eyes fell on him. All chattering ceased. Only one face smiled at the sight of him.

"Hi Soo Hyun.Are you joining us for this trip?" Yeo Jun walked up to him while those who'd been flocking him sulkily took their seats. They were no doubt displeased that the one chaperoning their bus was none other than the UP himself, Nam Soo Hyun.

Soo Hyun looked at Yeo Jun. "We leave in ten minutes so I must take attendance. PLease take your seat."

Yeo Jun smiled easily at him. "Don't bother. I already checked."

Nam Soo Hyun looked at his list and began his task, calling the names as they appeared on his list.

Jun stood in place for a few more seconds before reluctantly taking his seat.

Someone sitting behind him tapped his shoulder. 

"Jun. Here you go." a cute round-faced girl handed him a can.

"Thanks Eun-Young." he accepted her humble gift.

"You remember my name?" The girl was genuinely surprised.

Jun gave her an incredulous look. "Of course. As if I'd ever forget one of a friend."

The girl's face lit up and a blush crept up her cheek as she took her seat, extremely pleased.

"You're still just as popular in college." his friend Go Sang Tae commentated on the interaction.

Jun simply smiled and extended the can to him. "Do you want it?"

"Is he our group leader?" Sang Tae asked of Soo Hyun who was still going down the roster as he took the can from Jun.

Jun looked at the stoic face and folded his arms. "I doubt he volunteered. Maybe he's getting paid."

Sang Tae frowned, not caring to hide his displeasure. "Why that psycho of all people? Atleast group 2's leader is a cutie."

Yeo Jun looked at Soo Hyun.

He's a cutie too.

The trip to the camp site was uneventful at best.Sitting beside Sang Tae meant he didn't have to deal with someone chewing his ear off for the entire journey. At most they would just steal glances and surreptitiously take photos.

Soo Hyun sat at the front of the bus. He was tall so Jun didn't have to do much to see the back of that head. That head never turned once. Eyes always front.

After the 90 minute ride, their buses rolled to a stop. Everyone poured out, stretching their limbs, their excitement returning now that they had made it to their destination.

Not long after their arrival, their first activity was announced.For the main purpose of having everyone atleast know each other's names, everyone sat in a large circle.One by one they would introduce themselves. They had to say their names and could add anything else they wanted to share.

Jun sat cross-legged on the grass, listening as each introduction was made.He was thoroughly bored. When it had been his turn, he hadn't said much but the entire circle had been in a tizzy. "I'm Yeo Jun. I'm a freshman. Nice to meet you all. Let's be friends." 14 words. 4 lines and that dazzling smile. That was all it had taken for adoring eyes and blushing cheeks to be angled in his direction.

He'd been basking in the glory of this attention when his eyes fell on one particular person.If he crossed the circle in a straight line, he would be standing directly in front of him but those eyes weren't paying attention to him. In fact, under those straight bangs, those eyes seemed to be closed.

Jun frowned.

Introductions continued until they got to Nam Soo Hyun.

He stood to his feet. Like Yeo Jun who'd commanded everyone's attention. All eyes were now on Soo Hyun, albeit for a completely different reason.If Jun attracted eyes because he was a dazzling light, Soo Hyun attracted attention because he was an enigma.

Like everyone else, Jun was paying rapt attention. He wondered what Soo Hyun would say. He really was curious about this person.

"I'm Nam Soo Hyun." he announced before taking his seat once more.

Wait. That was it? Just his name? Everyone exchanged awkward glances. It was like a dark cloud had descended on the once festive circle. Nam Soo Hyun really was a harbinger of gloom.

Whoever had to go next in the circle would certainly have their work cut out for them.

Fortunately, it was a cute girl with a spunky personality so she managed to recalibrate the mood and dissipate most of the damage done by Soo Hyun's introduction.

Jun eyed him. He really was an interesting person.

After the introductions, the passed quickly in a flurry of activities that led up to the concert. Under the night sky the students enjoyed performances from both their batch mates and seniors.

When the concert was over, they were free to pass the time however they saw fit. For kids their age, that meant one main thing---drinking.

Soo Hyun sighed as he struggled under the weight of the drunk student he was trying to escort to his quarters. Realizing his legs were giving way, Soo Hyun stopped and eased the inebriated young man to the ground. There was a stupid smile on his drunken face, his cheeks ripened red. Soo Hyun shook his head.Why did people drink themselves into this kind of stupor?

He was thus musing when someone approached.

"Just leave him. I'll take him to his room." Yeo Jun looked at the young man.

Soo Hyun ignored him and was about to retrieve his charge. Yeo Jun stayed his hand "I got it."

That annoyed expression was back on Soo Hyun's face as he looked at Jun briefly before going back to his task.

As suddenly as Jun had come, another figure came scurrying over.

"I'll do it!" Kim So-Bin offered.

Both boys looked at the girl who was now in a squatting position, waiting to offer her assistance as the beast of burden for the drunk boy.

"Come on.I'm stronger than I look." she encouraged.It seemed she was actually serious about doing this.

Soo Hyun sighed and went back to his task. Pulling the boy up, he held him by the waist, wordlessly leaving those two behind.

Yeo Jun watched him go. Such a stubborn person.

"You can get up.They're gone." Yeo Jun had an amused expression on his face as he looked at the girl still squatting in the open waiting for her load.

Embarrassed, she sprung to her feet. Jun couldn't resist teasing her. "If you really want to carry someone. You can carry me." 

"Sure." the girl replied.

Jun was a little taken abit, but still amused. "Why do you want to show how strong you are in the middle of the night?" The girl wrung her hands and just looked at him. "By the way, you were stealing glances at me all day.It's making my heart flutter. Do you have a crush on me?" The girl got wide-eyed, which seemed to encourage the strength of Jun's hypothesis. "Do you really?" he questioned.

The answer to this question was interrupted however by the sound of someone suddenly calling his name. Before he could accost the girl again, she made a run for it. Yeo Jun shook his head with a smile.

With his hand casually stuck in his pockets, he began strolling around.He happened to pass one of the designated  detox areas where those who'd had a little too much could be bunked if they were unable to make it back to their rooms.

Jun saw the movement of shadows and popped in.

Soo Hyun had just finished his struggle of getting his drunk charge finally settled into bed without him spouting nonsense and wildly flailing his limbs.

"You barely got to drink looking after them." Jun said casually. "Let's have a drink. Just us."

Soo Hyun looked at him squarely before brushing past him , heading back into the cool night air.

"This is mean. Don't you think." he heard Yeo Jun say from behind him.

He halted, putting both hands in his pockets, he turned to face the boy who was set on talking to him.

Yeo Jun, hands still in his own pockets, sauntered over casually, closing the gap between them. "I'm hovering around you because I want to be your friend.Shouldn't you atleast try to be nice?"

Soo Hyun exhaled and tilted his head thoughtfully to the side. 

"Are you anxious?"

"About what?"

"You need everyone to like you,but I get on your nerves." Jun was silent. "You don't need to be anxious.Befriending a guy like me won't help you anyway.Even if we're not friends, your college life won't be affected."

Jun raised a brow. "I know you had alot of pride, but you're actually pretty insecure.It can make life miserable for you and for everyone around you."

"What?"

"Relax.Don't be so guarded." Jun's voice was gentle.

Soo Hyun kept a straight face. "I like being guarded."

"Soon,you'll let your guard down and be comfortable. Around me atleast.I'm really good at that." He smiled at Soo Hyun and turned away.

Without responding, Soo Hyun watched him go.

A few paces away, Jun was approached by someone.

"I thought I told you to stay away from that psycho!" he overhead. That boy had clearly also had more than a few drinks.

"You're up?" Yeo Jun countered

"Let's have a drink. Just us."

"You shouldn't drink more." Jun cautioned.

Sang Tae was already red in the face and wearing an overly large grin. "I'm not drunk at all! I'm totally sober!" Jun looked at him "I need your advice on something."

Jun sighed. "Alright. Let's drink until we drop."

Sang Tae gave him a drunken smile "Let's drink until we drop." he slurred his words a little.

By the Lake

"Don't lie to my face you jerk! Sang Tae exploded. "You obviously know that I have a crush on Mi-Ra. How could yo do that and still call yourself my friend?"

Jun's expression was blank. "Did she say she and I dated?"

"That's right jerk." Sang Tae was still angry "I heard about everything at the reunion." He spat on the ground. "I had planned to tell her how I feel that day. But she kept crying and talking about you nonstop.Got anything to say?"

Jun sighed. "She wanted to go to the movies on her birthday. So we did.We had dinner and I took her home. That's all."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it wasn't important." Jun replied. "You have a crush on Mi-Ra?"

Sang Tae's agitation grew as he grabbed a handful of Jun's sweatshirt. "I told you back in 10th grade.I told you to stay away from her because I like her!" Sang Tae shook him a little. "You betrayed my trust you jerk."

Jun had had enough. "You're drunk." he cast his friend's hands off.Sang Tae stumbled backwards and Jun turned to leave.

"Where do you think you're going?" He grabbed Jun's sweatshirt by the shoulder.

Turning swiftly, Jun shoved Sang Tae, forcing him to the ground. "Go to bed." he spat, readjusting his shirt.

When he turned to leave again, he came face to face with that girl again, Kim So-Bin. She as wearing a stunned expression. She must have heard everything. He barely had time to process this when he heard her words "watch out."

He couldn't duck.

He couldn't dodge.

Sang Tae charged at him, punching him in the face and knocking him to the ground.

There was suddenly a ringing in his ears and his chest tightened as shadows of the past began desperately clawing at him. Screams. Fear. Pain. Screams. Fear. Pain.

Jun as paralyzed, unable to move as Sang Tae pulled him to his feet, preparing to land another blow. It was just like then, there was nothing he could do but take it...nothing he could do....nothing he could do.His eyes were wild and wide.

He braced himself for the blow that never came as So-Bin shoved Sang Tae.

It wasn't enough however, as he came charging forward again.

A figure in dark clothes  swooped in, stopping Sang Tae in his tracks.

"Let go of me!" Sang Tae thrashed about angrily. "Get off me! I will kill you all!"

Soo Hyun wrestled him to the ground and pinned his hand behind his back.

"Get him out of here." he instructed So-Bin.

Jun watched in stunned silence.

"You're bleeding." So-Bin looked at the red spot at the corner of his lips.

"You know where the first aid kit is?" Soo Hyun asked.

"It's okay." Jun was finally able to speak, touching the side of his lip.

"No, it's not okay." Soo Hyun countered while Sang Tae continued to thrash and swear under his hold.

Jun looked at Soo Hyun.

"The team leader will be held responsible if freshmen cause trouble." Soo Hyun stated matter-of-factly.

Jun gave him a wry smile. "I was touched for a second. Thinking you were worried about me."

They held each other's gazes for a while until So-Bin pulled him away.

"You're so dead!" Sang Tae swore, as he helplessly watched the object of his ire walk away. "Where do you think you're going?!" Soo Hyun applied more pressure in restraining him as he watched Yeo Jun go.

It was very late when both Soo Hyun and Jun returned to their respective rooms, each with an unsettled mind.

Yeo Jun touched is bruised lip. Upon Soo Hyun's instructions, So-Bin had applied some first aid. He couldn't help recalling how he felt when Soo Hyun had looked at him and said those words, "no, it's not okay." He thought that ice heart had thawed just a little but it turned out he was just doing his duty. 

Their previous interactions dance before his eyes like a carousel. At every turn and with every word, he knew one thing to be sure--- Nam Soo Hyun did not want to be his friend. This bothered him.

Sitting in the dark, Soo Hyun sighed. "I like being guarded." he reflected on his own words from earlier. He'd never had to say that to anyone before. Most people just stayed away from and he didn't mind. He didn't have time to form useless bonds and feign relationships anyway.So why? Why was this one so insistent on doing what he didn't want? Did he need to liked by everyone that much? Yeo Jun said he wanted to be his friend. This bothered him.

[ryuuseini]

I really need to get this off my chest I'm just... I keep being told "learn to love yourself!! You cant expect people to love you if you dont love yourself first!" And "what do you mean everyone leaves you like youre purposely ignoring all the stable relationships you've had just to play the victim" by my family and im fucking sick of it.

To the first point - there are times where people are so deep in their self loathing and hatred, been told again and again they are unworthy of love, that they need someone to lend a hand in teaching how to self love. Because not everyone can do so when the world around them is constantly saying otherwise.

And to their second point - fuck off. Yeah, maybe its not good that I'm grouping people who do care in the same category as the people who don't... but have you considered that like, shit like this is triggering? Having a friend who promised to be there for you legitimately ruining your life; having a friend who said she was your friend and wanted to hang out with you, but each time you made plans she canceled last minute because it was her sister's birthday that day or some shit (only to see she hangs out with everyone else just fine); a person who said that they'll be friends with you and when you're floored by the fact that they waited for you instead of heading straight to class after gym, said "of course, I said I was your friend and I meant it," only for them to randomly ghost you like barely a month after this interaction and just decide to act like you exist simply when they want to, which is never, and you're just wondering what the hell you did to cause that; to the nicest girl in your class telling you, straight up, "of course you don't deserve friends! You just transferred here senior year, we already have cliques and friends we trust, how do you expect to break that?"; to the person who told you that he'll show you you're worthy of being loved, only to proceed to blame you for all of his unexplainable anger; to the friends who you thought had your best interest but talked about you behind your back about how much they hated you, to the point they willingly harassed you because you decided to leave; to the friends that said they'll try to be your friend but got mad when you pointed out that they rejected every single attempt for you to get closer but kept saying "you can join this one server we have" despite me explicitly stating that I Did Not Feel Safe There because someone who had harassed and stalked me was still in that server and there were zero protections offered for me to even feel safe in such an environment, only for them to decide a person who was suffering from such pain deserved no friends and got all of our shared friends to leave me, despite this being a private personal issue between me and them that I handled privately; to being blamed for a grown man's potential heart attack and that being JUSTIFIED by others while you're still a minor; to just... so many other bullshits I genuinely cannot describe, each happening within the relatively short time span of 5 years. Don't you think??? Don't you just think for a second??? That my brain is conditioned to think this way??? And being told "stop trying to play the fucking victim and realize the friends you DO have" is just ignoring the fact that I literally cannot because the pain is far stronger in my mind than the opposite? But you do nothing but help, so whatever.

And then I remember my first high-school. How I was gaslit, not only by my bully... But by the adults who were supposed to help me as well. I didn't feel safe attending any clubs, and the one club I did attend because he wasn't there... most of the people made fun of me anyway, there was no point. He was in every club with me, and instead of working out a thing so I - the kid who frequently felt isolated - could have a chance to socialize, I simply was expected to just not participate. I was suicide baited the day before a huge school trip by a friend of my bully under my bully's name, and when I went to tell the teacher hey, this happened, can you make sure I'm not paired up with this student who was also going to the trip, my bully stuck around to hear that, only to corner me at my locker to lie to me that he did care I got suicide baited (despite the fact I had texts stating that he only cared if the girl who had sent the texts under his name was going to get in trouble, and not the fact that I had been told my life was essentially meaningless) and had a girl who wasn't involved in the situation, who I thought was my friend, back him up and agree with all his points until I cried that I wanted to die and he should just kill me. The trip got canceled for me, but he was still allowed to go on it. We shared classes together and they were working to take me out of my classes to make my health better. One of these classes was my favorite class - the class where the teacher treated me like an actual fucking human being, the class I felt the safest in, the class I would hide in even when the teacher was teaching a different class because I felt fucking safe, the class that I wasn't put in initially for some reason but fought to be in - and they simply chose to take me out of the class instead of punishing him. How the head guidance counselor, to my face, told me "how can you say your bully isn't a friend of yours? He took the time to skip a class because he was concerned about you, how is that NOT something a friend would do?" And how, when I simply couldn't take the abuse anymore, they kicked me out of the school, forcing me to go elsewhere, where I did. And I didn't make any lasting friends and people ignored me 90% of the time, and at that 10% they cared I felt like... I had to pretend that they didn't fucking ghost me 9/10 times... Only for that school to fucking shut down at the end of my junior year, forcing me to go to another high-school my senior year, where I really had no one... Because that girl was right. Everyone already had their friend groups... I couldn't be expected to break that.

I'm just... I'm just not okay.