#i didn't have an idea when i started this but i persevered and came up with something in the end

[sirtadcooper]

Who cares about me? I do. Why? I'm just no one. No, you are not!

[ealvara7]

Beetlejuice Coloring Process! 🪲

Since my new artwork is gonna take me some time to complete, I decided that now would be a good time to talk about my coloring process for Beetlejuice's design! Specifically, I want to talk about picking out the palette for his eyes and outfit. It was a confusing process that's nice to look back and reflect upon.

Beetlejuice took me the longest to design... I almost gave up on completing him, but I'm glad I persevered! I really love how he came out in the end!

Since this will be a long post with several images, I will add a "read-more" link in case people wanna keep scrolling.

Otherwise, here's my coloring process!

-

After I finished laying out the colors for his skin tone and hair, I started thinking about how exactly I wanted his eyes to look like. I really like designing eyes in general because I feel it adds a lot more character to a design!

My initial idea was to give Beetlejuice slightly dark scleras with yellow pupils in order to create this eerie, uncanny effect.

The problem with that idea was that it ended up feeling... too eerie.

I felt as if it was leaning a lot more on him being a demon, with not enough leeway to show a more human side of him. As a result, it made it difficult to connect with him as a character... which was not what I wanted.

My next idea was to merge the color palettes from my two artist references - creaturologie and shnikkles.

While I felt like I was moving in a better direction, this made it very clear to me that I needed to find a palette that better suited my art style, because I felt the red here was just... too much? It ended up overpowering the green which was definitely not what I wanted.

Finally, I decided to stick to the original stage production and make his scleras white. This also made it easier for me to balance his eyes with his skin tone.

As for his pupils... I started thinking about amber stones, and how they illuminate in a way that is very subtle and beautiful...

That's when I realized that Beetlejuice's pupils didn't need to be consistently illuminated in order to have that subtle, eerie effect. They just need to create the illusion that they can illuminate wherever he went or however you looked at him.

With this in mind, I created the final version!

I couldn't be any happier with how it came out! I felt as if I finally hit that perfect balance between his human and demon characteristics! You're able to connect with him better, all while he retains the more frightening elements of his character.

That being said... his eyes can very much glow in the dark, if he so chooses.

-

I'd like to quickly touch on the outfit, because I had been going back and forth as to whether I wanted to add some semblance of color to his design or not...

I did try coloring his button-up with a magenta similar to the cartoon version... but I wasn't a huge fan of it. I realized I wanted more of a consistency to Beetlejuice's design.

This brought me to another challenge - how much value did I want to add in each part of Beetlejuice's outfit? I knew right away that I did not want to use pure black and white, but I still wanted to create a distinction of some kind for each outfit piece.

For this, I heavily referenced the musical - I've always loved how Beetlejuice's outfit wasn't a bright white. Rather, it was weathered out to be gray. It gave him a more gothic feel, which I fell in love with. I took it up a notch and gave him just a slight tinge of blue, as an homage to Corpse Bride - one of my favorite Tim Burton movies! I would eventually use a similar palette for Lydia in order for her and Beetlejuice to match.

With that, I completed the look of my Beetlejuice design! ✨

[artbymesa]

The Consequence of Sacrifice

Sigh. Here we go again.

Rating: Teen and Up audiences Word Count: 2.5k Warnings: manipulation, mental anguish, mentions of past abuse Summary: You managed to resist the astral touched tadpole when it was given to you, but only just barely. Astarion does not take too kindly to its influence over you. Pairing: Astarion x Urchin/Rogue!Tav [Reading this that I also wrote for my Tav isn't necessary for understanding this one, but it does give greater context to where my head is at for characterization when writing this haha. I am writing these ideas as they manifest while playing the game 🤣] [Takes place immediately after the event at Wyrms Lookout. Big, big spoilers through the end of Act 2 ahead. I had to bend a couple small mechanics as this scenario plays out in the game and how the characters handle this. But I felt this scenario had a ton of potential and wanted to explore it since it would have been difficult for the game to implement, haha.]

With the hardest thrust you could muster, you threw your sword into the ground and it dug itself deep into the dirt. You fell to your knees with a loud yell, screaming out into the sky at the cliff that overlooked Rivington and Baldur's Gate.

It had been a bad idea. Your gut had told you this from the start. You should have seen this coming.

You had barely resisted the astral touched tadpole from the Emperor. Barely. By shear, unadulterated, dumb luck. But these so called illithid instincts had nearly taken you. Changed you. 

You had embraced the potential, early in your travels…

You were not imbued with magic the way sorcerers or wizards or warlocks or druids were. You did not have the strength of a barbarian or a fighter.

You grew up on the dirty streets of Baldur's Gate, surviving on crumbs with little beyond knowing your way around locks and traps, an adeptness for persuasion and, somehow, an uncanny ability to lead. For most of your life, that had been enough.

But this…these battles, this journey you were up against– it terrified you that it wouldn't be enough.

You had grown attached to your companions. Attached enough that you'd die for them if it came to it. Beneath your little rag-tag group’s quirks and beneath your steely exterior– it was the first real family you wish you had long ago. Throughout your life as an orphan, people had come and gone. Some had stayed longer than others, some had a greater impact on your life, but they were kindnesses that existed only in passing. 

These companions had fully trusted you with their lives, their very fates– and you took that seriously. 

They had all suffered such incredible hardship even before this mess– before these tadpoles had bore their way into all of your skulls. Your life surviving on stealing and scraps seemed like a cakewalk in comparison to what some of these people had gone through. Yet here you all stood– persevering despite it all.

Their second chance at a life of peace was in your hands– these people who cared for you and you cared for so deeply. Failing them was not an option.

So when the time came to consume the tadpoles and “embrace your potential,” you and you alone took it. You thought you had done it strategically of course– consuming as few as would keep you all alive. You used your tadpole’s influence where you thought it mattered.

But like all things, it came at a cost.

When the mindflayer….the Emperor had pushed you to use the astral touched tadpole– it had nearly taken over. Hijacked your mind– almost consumed you with the desire to…evolve… When you came back to your senses, it had only just dawned on you how close you had come to losing yourself. 

How long could you hold out like this for them? How much of your mind had the tadpoles destroyed that you’d never get back…How many of your thoughts and decisions were even your own anymore? And would they continue to align with keeping your companions safe? 

What would happen if there came a time it didn't?

Tears leaked around your balled up fists that pressed against your eyes and your tadpole squirmed at the pressure.

“....Darling, are you alright?” The voice startled you from behind and you lurched around, your reflexes expecting another fight. But your mind finally caught up and your body relaxed– squeezing your eyes shut as you wiped at your face.

“I heard yelling. Given what we just faced… I wanted to be sure we didn’t have any more unwelcome visitors.”

Your throat wanted to close.

“I'll be fine, Astarion. I…I just needed a moment…”

“‘Fine’ does not look or sound like this, dear.” He gestured at you with a quick once over. You watched as he studied your face with rapid eye movements.

This had been the first time he had seen you break. And you could tell it was startling him.

You had survived the crash. Quietly killed the goblin leaders. Leveraged Wyll's contract for him. Convinced the Orthon to kill himself and all of his followers. The tollkeeper. Ketheric Thorm’s followers. Faced and defied Vlaakith with Lae’zel, helped Shadowheart defy Shar and free Dame Aylin. And to top it all off--killed Ketheric Thorm as the avatar of Myrkul. The God of Bones himself. 

To him thus far, you had seemed unshakable. An unyielding force as sure as gravity. To him, thus far– your protection and the safety you provided was unwavering.

Dealing with Cazador was still on the horizon. 

“Please, Astarion. It doesn't do you or anyone any good to see me like this. I just need to get my bearings…it was... It was just overwhelming.”

He watched you again. With a depth behind his eyes you had a hard time placing. But then his expression fell and his shoulders dropped with a slow sigh. And after a moment's thought, he closed the distance between the two of you.

“I'm not here for my sake.” He said as he sat next to you, allowing silence to settle between the two of you. 

The both of you stared forward, watching the faint glow of the city below. The people that had no clue what was headed their way. How many of them might die in the coming days? 

It was interrupted only when his eyes caught sight of your hands as they wrung together in your lap.

“It's about the astral touched tadpole isn't it?”

You bristled, and your hands suddenly tensed together in a tightly knit lock. So he had picked up on it…of course he did. Much of your conversations together had been unspoken. Reading body language was an art form you both spoke.

“I saw the look in your eyes. When the Emperor gave it to you. It almost happened…Didn't it?”

Without turning your head to him, your eyes darted in his direction at your side then away. You could feel his gaze on you. In a small way, you were relieved that there was a mutual understanding here. The less energy you had to devote to making sense of the topic, to conveying it to him– the less risk there was for the tadpole to warp your words and betray you. But on the flip side of the coin– you weren't sure if it was safe speaking about this to him at all.

“I have to be careful with my words about it.” You mustered carefully, tactfully– and you could swear you could feel a frown form at your side.

What came next however you did not anticipate.

Hearing him shift closer next to you, you felt his cool hand slide against your face– urging you to make direct eye contact with him in an uncharacteristically intense focus.

You blinked a couple times, taken off guard by how close he was now. 

“It's trying to control you. Manipulate how you feel about it. Even now…isn't it?”

An answer came to you immediately, but the words struggled to leave your mouth. Something was pulling them back.

“...--Yes.” You winced, managing to grab back the reins momentarily. “I'm scared of what I might say about it. To you. I’m not sure how much I can even acknowledge it, let alone…” Another wince.

He studied your face even longer this time, as if he might find something hidden somewhere in the most subtle aspects of your expression.

Apparently it worked. And he found his answer.

“Give me your pack for a moment.” 

“What?” You asked, but before you could protest, he was already on his feet and rummaging through it before he found the astral touched tadpole. 

With very little hesitation, he dropped it to the ground. Without having embraced his illithid instincts like you had or needed to use his tadpole’s influence almost at all prior to this because you had taken on that mantle– its grip on him seemed almost nonexistent in comparison to yours.

Wait! Stop him from– The emperor’s voice gripped at the edge of your mind, demanding alarm and attention.

“Astarion–!” Your illithid instincts lashed out, unsure if the words were even your own and lunged at him with anger. But Astarion was quicker than you, and he squashed it deep into the dirt beneath his heel.

The crack in the veil formed by the time you made it to him, and he caught you in a firm restraint of an embrace. He knelt back down to you.

You felt a tug at your mind again.

Disappointing. Our chances of success have been lowered by your companions' actions. You would do well to work on your leadership.

“We…we could have needed that…” you gasped, but your words were hollow and lacked conviction. There was objective truth to the words you spoke, but you couldn't tell if you said them because you believed them or if you were still being influenced by your tadpole.

Your weight sank in his arms as your vision was clearing, though the echoes of the influence remained with the tadpoles you had already consumed. “What if…what if it was the only way I could–”

“I remember when I turned into a vampire.” He started, loosening his grip on you to something gentler. “I was helpless when it happened. My body warped against my will and I was just there along for the ride. My body and mind were no longer my own. I refuse to do that again. And I certainly will not let that be forced on you if I have any say in the matter.”

You were frozen there, knelt over awkwardly in his lap and unable to think clearly. You weakly gripped at the fabric of his shirt and buried your face in his chest. It seemed to compel him to speak again.

“Look, you've–... you’ve given a lot of yourself to everyone here. In fact, you’ve helped everyone in this camp. Myself included. Here I was thinking I had nothing to give back.”

“It wasn't transactional.”

“Please. I’ve spent too many years feeling pathetic. As miserable as it is to say– the highlight of my life has been this little adventure of ours and most of what I've gotten here has been pity. The bar isn’t very high.”

“Astarion–...” but he raised a hand to stop you.

“So believe me when I say that if you needed but couldn't squash the little monster on your own, I am delighted to. We've made it this far without the astral touched tadpole, we'll make it out of this without it too. With your mind and body still intact. Even if you managed to resist it now there's no telling if you could later. I'm simply removing the temptation when it clearly does not seem like you or, quite frankly, anyone here wants this.”

It took you a moment to form the words. 

“I felt this…strong wave of disappointment when I denied the astral touched tadpole. When the Emperor gave it to me. A stronger emotion than I think I’ve felt for anything. Ever. The abilities I gained by using these illithid powers and the influence I had on others, it turned itself on me twofold. I almost lost myself to it. I was afraid to talk about it to anyone here. Touch it, look at it– anything. I was afraid I'd lose the battle the second time around or even worse…might try to convince someone here to evolve.”

“Perhaps your tadpole would not have let you do what I did. All the more reason some intervention was in order. Take this from me. It is not worth the cost.”

“The Emperor will be…is…upset with us.”

“Let him be. Eugh. That way he looked at you, that whole ‘devastating beauty’ shtick–” he said with his signature mocking tone, a sweeping hand gesture and an annoyed flick of his wrist, “not that I disagree of course,” he added with a sour chuckle, “but it made my skin crawl. I know that tone better than anyone. Seems even a mindflayer can be capable of floundering with subtlety.”

“Am I detecting a hint of jealousy?” you tried to tease lightheartedly, but it just came out exhausted. “Almost everyone in this camp has already come onto me or tried and you made no mention of it before.”

“It's a different discussion entirely if you were entertaining the advances of our travel companions. But the Emperor trying to influence your free will on the matter is frankly something I won't stand for. At least when I tried to...to manipulate you into– well… you still had the free will to say no.”

You could feel him bristle at some kind of internal struggle at his own words. But it seemed before he could put any more thought to the matter, he spoke again.

“We’ll be better for this, I assure you. Like I said– we've gotten along fine without it so far.”

“Let's just hope it's a decision we won't come to regret. If it was the only way I could save some of you, I–”

“I think I should stop you right there. I believe you had a line for this, my dear. Refresh my memory on your wording, would you? I think it went something like– repeat after me– thank you for helping me, it was very kind?”

You sighed, wishing you could muster a measure of your usual returned banter. Some kind of feigned annoyance at the fact your teasing was being turned against you. But in honest to goodness truth– you were relieved. Relieved that this decision was taken out of your hands. Relieved that you didn't have to worry about convincing your companions to evolve or doing so against your will. Relieved that you weren't battling this alone.

And incredibly grateful that he had stepped in and sensed this about you. That you needed help with this– and that he helped.

“Thank you, Astarion…Thank you for helping me…it was very kind.” you said, pulling yourself further into his embrace. “More than you realize.”

 There was a momentary hesitation from him, but with a slow drop of his shoulders, he returned the gesture– pulling you up into a proper hug as you both still sat there on the cliff that overlooked Rivington. His words were softer when he spoke again.

“Any time, love.”

[elliepassmore]

The Living Medicine review

5/5 stars Recommended if you like: nonfiction, STEM books, medical history, antibacterial resistance

Big thanks to Netgalley, the publisher, and the author for an ARC in exchange for an honest review!

Coming into the book I didn't really know much about bacteriophages except what I learned in middle school honors bio. This book provided so much interesting information in a very easy to understand way. It mixes the science of bacteriophages with the history of how they came to be used as 'living medicine.' I absolutely flew through this book and greatly enjoyed reading about bacteriophages...even if some of the antibacterial resistant stuff scared me a bit (I knew it was an issue, but I had no idea just how prevalent it is).

The first chapter provides an overview of antibacterial resistance, how it came about, and just how much risk we're taking by continuing to overuse/overprescribe antibiotics. As much as it seems a distant menace, the threat of a post-antibiotic age is very real, and relatively close at hand, if not already here. The last chapter(s) of the book bring this topic back around, but with a more hopeful tone. By the end of the book we know all about phages and their history in medicine, and the final chapters showcase how researchers and doctors are currently working to get them approved for use, providing us with an invaluable weapon against drug-resistant pathogens.

The bulk of the book discusses how bacteriophages came to be on scientists' radars and the huge controversies that sprung up regarding them, both past and present. I found it super interesting to read about how they occur in the natural world and have been acting as antipathogenic agents for far longer than we've realized. They've acted as protectors against cholera in rivers such as the Ganges and the Mtkvari Rivers, but they also exist in soil and the air.

The middle chapters of the book also deal with the lives and careers of the scientists who studied phages. They were initially laughed off, but over time, phages grew to be taken more seriously, particularly by the Pasteur Institute in France and the (now-named) Eliava Institute in Georgia. The bulk of phage research ended up being carried out at the latter, and Georgia ended up being the rising star of phage research. We learn about the people who studied phages, what their lives and careers were like up until that point, and the ways they changed (if at all) afterward. While this was not meant to be a biography, I found I enjoyed learning about the personal lives of the scientists and liked following their careers from students to stars of their field.

Of course, no good dead goes unpunished, and Georgia ended up under Soviet control, thus placing the country and phages at risk of Soviet-era threats, from a breakdown of manufacturing processes to Stalin's purges. However, for the first period of Soviet rule, the Eliava Institute was able to continue running with great success. They continued to produce cholera- and dysentery-fighting phages, they developed phages that could be used during WWII to save battle wounds and that helped prevent epidemics during front-line sieges. There was even a period after the war when things were going okay...but then the Great Terror came and the Institute nearly fell apart. Phage research likely would've been almost entirely lost if not for the perseverance of the scientists and doctors at the Eliava Institute, both during the purges and later on during the Georgian Civil War.

In part because it was Soviet medicine and in part because a lack of regulations in the early phage period resulted in bad or no outcomes, phage medicine was laughed off in the West even into the 2000s. Even as drug-resistant superbugs were starting to emerge and develop faster resistance to new antibiotics. Again, it was the persevering phage scientists who ensured the research continued and bit by bit phages were (re)introduced into Western medicine until it was deemed okay to use them in lieu of antibiotics for food--apparently a lot of food products are treated with phage sprays to prevent/get rid of infectious pathogens. Once that hurdle was crossed, some of those same scientists began working toward phages for human medicine...and then they started getting approved for human use.

As someone who is allergic to some antibiotics and freaked out by the side effects of others, I'm glad for personal reasons that we're starting to look at effective alternative therapies. On a larger scale, we're starting to look at bacteriophages right when we need to and if clinical trials continue and phages start reaching the market, we have a very real chance of aborting the antibacterial resistant threat before it really consumes us.

[team-heavenly]

Chapter 26 - Part 3

You know the drill by now. Part one is here, part two is here...

Yeah, so uhhh, fun fact! In all my years of playing this game, I never once tried to leave Aegis Cave apparently, because this genuinely surprised me. THERE'S AN INVISIBLE WALL. YOU CAN'T LEAVE. YOU CAN ONLY FINISH THE STORY LINE, FAINT, OR USE AN ESCAPE ORB.

And this kinda upset me because, y'know, for the first time this entire damn run, I finally had a pile of Orans and Apples and other basic things, and I wanted to drop them off in storage to make room for more.

The good news: I did in fact pick up an Escape Orb, so we said SEE YUH!

While we were back in town, I fed a Wonder Gummi to Celebi via Rotom's juicebar, and we got two surprises packed into one!

WUH- OKAY THEN.

And now, some moments that nearly gave me a freaking heart attack.

Damage runs deep </3 Hell of a line.

Also, moments that nearly make your eyeballs fall out of your head until you remember your Garchomp has Huge Power.

Speaking of, here is a non-inclusive list of the moves and abilities I remember seeing from the Unown (either in dungeon or from recruits):

Moves:

Ice Ball

Faint Attack

Thrash

Hyper Beam

Luster Purge

Lunar Dance

Gunk Shot

Dark Pulse

Extrasensory

Hammer Arm

Spit Up

Flash Cannon

Abilities:

Sturdy

Illuminate

Truant

Aftermath

Natural Cure

Serene Grace

Bad Dreams

Drizzle

Cloud Nine

Snow Warning

Heatproof

Filter

A true grab bag, which was honestly kind of fun when it wasn't trying to kill us.

Anyway, we only had to go through three times before getting all the stones we needed and then some! IYKYK.

When we return to the waypoint, we do a funky little dance just kidding, we only close our eyes.

So, here I am, entering the Nonsensical Expanse, getting pumped we get to find out who the first of the three Regis are, right?

But then I have something so unexpected happen that my 3DS nearly falls from my hands.

Wh-

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT ISN'T HERE?!?!?!

No, but I was legitimately upset over this. I consulted my friend @exploring-the-sky to see if love knew anything about it.

Well, this is what happens when you use a build from nearly two years ago, I guess.

At every portion of Aegis Cave, I left at least once and came back, and it was always the same. There was no one to fight. So now we'll never know who Regice is! That beautiful guidepost I put together to translate every character and place from their canon counterparts? You know, my actual pride and joy? I literally CAN'T put anything down for Regice now except ??? or ERROR 404.

THANKS A LOT, GAME!!! >:l

Or just replace it with any Pokémon you want, I don't make the rules here.

Next stop: Neat Creek.

We already have C and K so this shouldn't be too painful... I hope.

Nevertheless, when we inevitably come back around, we find what looks like a letter...

Wait, did y'all actually run into a boss? DID Y'ALL ACTUALLY FIGHT A BOSS?? PLEASE, TEAM CHARM, I'M BEGGING YOU-

Ugh, well. Guess we're about to find out, anyhow. We enter the Colossal Rift and hold our breaths...

OH THANK ARCEUS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM TO SEE YOU!!

...Words said before disaster, Part 21,894-

Despite our one-two punch of Meteor Mash and Powder Snow on Celebi, Rhyhorn wouldn't go down easy. In fact, he got off some Dragon Dances , which made me kinda nervous! And Seed Flare missed, like, 4 times in a row?? Then I REALLY started to panic when he used Mirror Move! But in the end, we persevered.

Ohhhh, I see... so, Not Regice just granted us the guardian's permission pre-emptively and went "lol bye losers, I'm out"? That's the explanation I'm going with, anyway :P

When we approach the Nonsensical Trench, there seems to be no sign of Team Charm...

We picked up two E stones in the last segment of the dungeon, so all we're missing is S, T, and L.

Why, hello there! This one even gave us a stone right away :)

It turns out Unown S and T also spawn on this very first floor! I stuck it out as long as I could and, lo and behold, we didn't have to go through more than once! \o/

Okay, now you gotta do the ritual thing to move on to Part 4.

[rosies-emporium]

💔

send 💔 for my muse to talk about an ex

Husbands covered: 1/7

[MOD TALK] Time to begin those Rosie headcanon lore drops! So excited to slowly explore her story and descent into remorseless cannibalism as it unfolded in my head haha <3 Enjoy, be mindful of the tws + of this all being mostly headcanon, and send 💔 if you wanna hear about the next one in the line!

tw: cannibalism, blunt force murder, domestic violence mentions, miscarriage mention, period-typical misogyny, alcohol mentions

-------

𝓢𝓽𝓸𝓻𝔂𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓡𝓸𝓼𝓲𝓮

🥀 🥀 🥀 🥀 🥀 

You know, I wasn't born into high society. If I have anyone to thank for the life I was lucky to lead back in human world, it'd be my dear late father. He worked his fingers to the bone to gift me those opportunities, manners, and the proper education, that he did. And like all hard work with a goal, it paid off. Throughout the years, our shop saw many well-heeled patrons. And when one of them invited me to an upcoming ball, I was more than ready. I met my first husband at that ball and trust me, at the time it felt much like a fairytale! He wasn't even that old, only 'bout seven or eight years my senior, and from a well-respected line. Tall, gruff, no-nonsense, scowlin' type. No love at the first sight with this one, but you can't blame a girl for settling when it came with oh so many perks... We married, of course, and fast. For a while, it wasn't even quite so bad to live alongside him. Sure, he could stand to devote some more time and attention to his wife than to his beloved investments, but for the most part, I was left to my own devices. If anything, I enjoyed the independence when he was out 'n' about throughout days and evenings. Started thinking about children, too. Why, my father was aging fast, and began talkin' more and more about how he'd love to meet his grandkids still...

Sometimes I still wonder if it was only his stocks tanking or also my first unfruitful condition of expecting that changed my husband into this distasteful despot he's become. Oh, naturally, it was the bottle too, he started reaching for it far too easily. And trying to suppress me. Suddenly all my advice was nagging, and my vigor was exasperating. Can you imagine? It bugged me enough already, but divorce, you know it, wasn't really on the table. I'd rather not end up like poor Emma, gossiped and scorned by everybody. So I grit my teeth and persevered. And oh, could I put on a cheerful act! Among our neighbors, no one even suspected that we could be having any trouble...

Until the day he first raised his hand at me.

Say you were in my shoes, would you just take it? I didn't. I couldn't. One's first time is rarely premeditated. It's only with time that you learn to plan and execute. Practice makes perfect, and back then? I didn't just have any practice yet.

Our fireplace poker was heavy duty and too close to my reach. It only took a second to grab it. Twenty hits until he stopped moving took me only as long as I needed for the tears to cease their flowing.

It's amusing in retrospect. I was such a scared, unseasoned lamb back then! I stood there over his body in a pool of blood, and my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I felt so much, you know. Fear, mainly. Of consequences, of being found out, of myself and what I've done. But even back then... nowhere among those feelings was regret.

I knew I had to get rid of the body. Hiding it wasn't an option, the house would surely have been searched, and going outside with large bags would draw attention. It was pragmatic, really. Did you know that's how most cannibals start? You'd think it's the curiosity, but not really, not in most of cases. Most often it's the hunger... having nothing else to eat. Or, simply, as it was for me... the idea comes up as a method of disposing of evidence.

So I cooked him up. As the stew bubbled, it smelled nice, but oh, he tasted horrible; must've been this booze filling every crevice of his meat. Still, having a bite was... satisfying. Like a moment of victory, a symbolic thing. I fed the rest of him to dogs. Before his disappearance has been noted, there was nothing more to find.

When some time has passed, and his 'missing person' status got changed to a 'likely dead' one, playing a widow in despair wasn't much more toilsome than playing a happy wife had been...

Can you even blame me?

[frances-and-the-moon]

A trip down Memory Lane

When I was a teenager, many of the younger students I taught English to always came up with the proverbial question: "How did you learn to write and speak English so well?". You see, Italy dubs its movies and TV shows; it's only been in recent times that younger folks (specifically millennials and Gen Z) are willing to watch TV shows, dramas, movies, and play games with English subtitles. But when I was a teenager in Southern Italy, foreign language acquisition was not a big thing (yet). Nor was the teaching. So my answer to those sweet summer children was: "Well, I've been travelling a lot and attending lots of English courses (which was true), and I've been watching Harry Potter and reading Shakespeare and Milton and Nietzsche in English and I like playing games that haven't been translated, and I've watched TV shows with subtitles and animes with Eng sub" which was, ofc, all true. But my biggest, first motivator was that I was so deep into the Thorki fandom that I wanted to read all their works on AO3 - but they were all in English! No Italian stories! What was I supposed to do!! I wanted to read those stories!! I was so adamant and so curious that I would've sold my right kidney to read good quality gay porn fanfiction so I kept reading and reading without any dictionaries bc I didn't care, I was too lazy to look up the words unless they were very hard and/or crucial to the sentence at hand. And as I read and persevered, I started understanding more and more the meaning of words by context (and that is why I can't translate many English words into Italian because I have no idea what their Italian counterpart is). And then I went on to read more gay porn fanfiction stories as I got sucked into other fandoms and the language became easier and easier Then I joined Tumblr (ofc). At the same time, I also started writing poems and stories and then started reading more "classical" literature in its original language, like Bronte, Auden, Lawrence etc. Then I went on to live abroad in four different countries and was forced to speak English to the people and my speaking skills improved. I am now watching Kdramas and Thai dramas a lot and I can tell what some words mean even if I don't speak the languages because I *love* passive learning and pretending that "Shibaloma" is a word I completely understand And this is how it takes you 10+ years to learn a language with minimal effort TL;DR: gay porn fanfiction was my first motivator in learning English and that is why all the authors deserve a million Nobel Prizes What I mean to say is, I love learning and studying new languages. I think people should never, ever stop learning. But sometimes we forget that passive learning is as important as active learning. In this crazy world, our minds need rest sometimes, and media sources provide us with that sort of relief and comfort, while also helping us broaden our horizons and reminding us that skill-building doesn't only come from hard work; it also comes from fun and downtime and relaxing. Small tip: if you don't have Grammarly installed in your browser, DEFINITELY get it! It's a lifesaver for me when it comes to fixing minor mistakes and errors. It's not perfect, but it's a good tool for fanfiction writers; it really helps with email-writing, CV building, etc. I highly recommend it <3 (This is ofc not a paid promotion. Nobody pays me).

[shineoko]

Round & Round | n.jm

Part of ‘START UP’ series

↳ "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

↳ Round & Round - NCT U

↳ Strangers to lovers, crack, fluff, cheesy af.

↳ You and Jaemin met in the collage library while reaching for the same novel little did you know somewhere along the line he gets close enough to share a kiss but doesn't yet this isn't the only Jaemin does to make your heart go round & round.

↳ shinko's note: I remembered how close it is to September and how much I wanted to upload an enemies to lovers drabble for this series so I persevered to finish this and I hope it doesn't seem that rushed or British.

The warmth emitting from the sun accompanies you on your walk to the collage library. Despite being a resident of the campus dorms, the walk is still long enough for you to harvest a layer of sweat on you forehead. Not only that but you think your insides are slowly becoming raisins by the minute.

Eventually after 3 minutes of walking in the scorching sun, you reached the library. The air conditioning boosted by the large number of fans was pure relief but you eventually had you put it to an end because you came here for reading a novel, not basking in cold air.

You made your way to the isle where the whole book series was but as you reached for the book you're on you felt another arm brush against your own. You turned to look at the person who's arm touched yours but before you could apologize you completely froze.

The boy you were about to apologize to 1, was wearing a long woolly cardigan, 2 was incredibly handsome.

Bear in mind you had no idea if he was older or younger but one thing you did know is that he shouldn't have a cardigan in if it's hot outside.

"Umm...Hello" At his words you snapped you of your little daydream.

"Sorry. Do you want the book?" You asked him internally crying at the fact he knew you were staring.

"Did you want it too?" He paused for a bit and looked up, presumably thinking "Should we read the book together?"

"Sure." A few seconds after you spoke he was dragging you across the library, book in hand, with eyes shaped like crescents and a Cheshire cat's grin plastered on his face.

"What's your name by the way?" You ask the two of you slowing down as you near your destination.

"Na Jaemin. And yours?"

"L/N Y/N"

"Have you read the book before?" He asks motioning for you to sit next to him on one of the library chairs. You hesitantly sat down next to him as he moved closer to you to hold the book so both of you could see it.

Half an hour in, you feel something brush against your neck you moved your attention from the book to Jaemin who has somehow gotten closer to you in the short duration of time. You were about to shrug it off and get into the book again but you soon realised that Jaemin's elbow had found a home near your knee to hold the book up.

You could feel heat climbing up your neck but ignored it. You just met Jaemin, how could you already be this flustered by something so small? You decide to turn your head the slightest bit to get a better look at Jaemin and almost all signs of him being innocent have just flown away. Maybe he was just concentrating on the book.

"Is something wrong, Y/N?" He asks and you flinch slightly at both his proximity and his voice. Gentle yet not, a whisper but it's clear. You can feel heat settling in your cheeks tainting them a peachy red, scratch that you were identical to a tomato.

"Umm... How did we get so close so quick" you ask noticing Jaemin's cheek turn slightly pink but he chose to ignore it.

"You didn't move a muscle. I just positioned myself on you. So that we could both see the book." He said moving closer to your face stopping when you two are basically breathing in eachother's air.

The atmosphere in that part of the library was thick enough that you could cut it with a knife.

You were holding yourself back from completely melting so you decided on going along with his game and tease him.

"Is my knee that good of a table? Do you usually wear prescribed glasses?"

"Yes and Yes" he answered back moving in even closer that your noses brush but just for a second until he completely pulls back. For a second you were disappointed. You got comfortable with him that close to you.

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" He asked, one eyebrow perking up and a smug smirk on his face. You couldn't tell if he was being serious or he was just joking but it took you a second to process what he said and answer back.

"No, but it hurt when I scratched my knees climbing out of hell." For a second he was shook but his expression changed back to the smug one the frat boys have when they're hitting on a girl at a party but they're drunk.

"No wonder you're so hot" He said as he abruptly put his face in front of yours where it was before. You thought about what you could say back to him but he had other plans.

Other plans meant closing the thin gap between you two with a quick peck.

"So will you go on a date with me?" He asked slowly putting away his smug smile.

"I haven't backed away yet so I guess you got your answer." You said smiling at his sudden wave of shyness.

"Here's my number. We can meet at the new cafe just across the front entrance of campus. Call me." He said as he winked and walked away. In the distance you could hear him say a little yes to himself which means he may have been planning this for a while.

[spells-and-liquid-luck]

I was wondering if you would write a Snape comforting a previous slytherin student who had to get the Dark Mark so she could pretend to be a deatheater for Dumbledore? During Order of the Phoenix or Half-Blood prince before Dumbeldore dies preferably?

(I LOVE this idea, and thank you so much for the ask! I hope I did your ask justice ♡)

Comfort In The Darkness - Severus Snape

Warnings: None

-------------------------

Hogwarts was under attack and the could who she held dearly were under attack. Everyone she has ever loved was or is student of Hogwarts. She wasn't going to sit back and let Voldemort take the people she had trusted and loved. She wasn't going to let him have the power he so badly craved. He had taken her family with the killing curse, after he had told them his faith in them had been misplaced. Voldemort was becoming more powerful and je had taken the people who she loved most in the world, and she was willing to go any lengths to get revenge for her parents, even if she had to do the unthinkable. She was going to do whatever she could possibly do to stop pure evil from taking over.

She was called to Hogwarts to talk to Dumbledore privately. She had no idea it would be the start of something absolutely life changing in what she would call a bad way. "Sir, you wanted to see me." She asked, her confidence slowly shrinking in size in fear that she was in trouble with your former Headmaster. I need you to be become a deatheater and get the dark mark." Dumbledore ordered. His tone full of authority but yet laced with sympathy for her. Her eyes looked at him in disbelief. Searching for a sign of playfulness in Dumbledore's eyes, but there was none. "Professor, you know that I have the highest respect for you, but I can't get that mark." The word death-eater bounced back and forth in her brain. "He killed my parents." She mumbled. Dumbledore looked at her with understanding and his face softened. He pulled out a picture frame. It was a picture of The Order Of The Phoenix. "Your parents were death-eaters, but they soon turned over a new leaf and helped me do a very dangerous task. Their death is something that I think about everday. Before they died, they had one more mission to complete, and I'm asking you to help me with it." She thought about it for a moment. She knew that Voldemort wasn't someone to mess with, but she also knew that she came from a long line of Slytherin family members, some of them still death-eaters. Getting on Voldemort's good side must be easy, or at least she thought it must be. She couldn't help but feel guilty at the thought of getting that horrible mark tattooed into her skin, but she also felt like this was something she had to do. Her heart told her to follow Dumbledore's orders and fight for The Order, so she reluctantly agreed to finish what her parents had started.

The days leading up to when she would be getting her dark mark were making her anxious and depressed. Voldemort and Bellatrix were testing her. Bellatrix was definitely trying to make her look bad in front of Voldemort by constantly making fun of her and making her her feel inadequate. They didn't fully trust her yet, but she persevered, and worked diligently to gain their trust. Days were going by and she knew, she had to work fast. "I want the dark mark." She abruptly asked at a meeting. Her tone was demanding which made Bellatrix raise an eyebrow. She knew that what she was going to do was irreversible, unless Dumbledore could reverse it. Voldemorts cold red eyes looked at her with intrigue. "The Dark Mark is earned not asked for." Bellatrix spat. Looking at her not only with mistrust, but with jealousy of how closely Voldemort was studying her. "Now now Bellatrix, be pleasant to our guest here." She huffed and murmured "Yes, my lord." Voldemort got up from his seat and all the deatheaters eyes followed his movements some with excitement others with terror. He stopped at Draco. "Let her see your mark, young Draco." He said just above a whisper and Draco's eyes were widened in fear. He looked like he was going to bust out in tears at any moment. He lifted up his sleeve making more eye contact with her than with the Dark Lord. It looked intimidating, and painful. He looked at her as if he tried to tell her to back out, but she was on a mission.

A week had passed and Voldemort was beginning to trust her. On a night that was dark and cold, Voldemort decided to give her what she needed to complete her mission. "My dear girl, it is time to receive the highest honor; the one that my followers dream of earning." He reached his pale hand towards hers. Her insides felt like they were curling into itself, but she gave him her hand anyway. His haunting voice echoing in Malfoy Manor brought a dark and creepy feel to the atmosphere. He turned to look at the crowd of snarling death-eaters. His red eyes gazing on his eager to please death-eaters. They all looked like were starving to get their masters approval. "Today my friends, we are gathered here to witness a dark mark initiation ceremony. She took a deep breath trying to hide her discomfort and anxiety. Her worst fear is them finding out what her true intentions were and ending up like her parents. Thinking to herself that if she did die, she would die for something worth dying for. His cold long fingers wrapped around his wand and the other gripping her wrist. pressing his wand into her skin. Burning. That's what she felt. A burn that felt different than burning your hand on a hot pan or burning yourself with a flame from a fire. The burning was deep and she felt it into her soul. It was a dark and slow burn that not only made her lip tremble in pain, but made her feel like she was ugly, disgusting, and vile. She watched as the dark mark appeared on her left forearm. It was forever etched into her that she belonged to Voldemort. The man, monster, killer of her parents.

"You are now a death-eater my dear girl, and now it's time we assign you your mission." She looked at Voldemort in the eyes for the first time tonight. "Mission?" She questioned. "I have a mission already?" The death-eaters laughed. "This is part of your initiation. Since you are no longer a student of Hogwarts, you will be assigned to 'The Hogs Head.' I know the Potter boy is lurking around there, and I need to find out what he's doing, while Draco fulfills his mission. She looked at Draco and he looked like he was going to be sick. His eyes glistening in fear. You were afraid that you had the same look he did, thus giving yourself away. Luckily, nobody noticed how you felt like you wanted to run away and never return to this awful and cold place. "Good, now that everything is settled. Be on your way to swifly complete your missions. The faster you both get this done, the faster we get control."

She left feeling like she was scum of the earth. She did her best to keep cool, but she felt like her soul was breaking. Being apart of something so twisted and evil, even though it's for The Order, still made her feel awful. She was currently staying with Sirius Black at Grimmauld Place for safety because the house was protected. Today, everyone who was in in The Order showed up for attendance to gather information of what she had done. "You got the dark mark!" Molly Weasly screeched. Remus Lupin Looked appalled and concerned, at the sight of it. Sirius Black and Severus Snape were making a rare agreement that they were furious at Dumbledore for having her do this. "She's got her whole life ahead of her and you have her do this! She's not that older than Harry!" Sirius yelled and banged his hand on the table. She couldn't help but to exit the room. Her eyes welling up in tears. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. She ran to where she found comfort. Her favorite spot, sitting on the floor near the fireplace watching the wood burn slowly and the crackle that it made. The warmth that never failed to always comfort her.

She heard the yelling again and the door close shut. She didn't turn around to see who it was because of her reddened tear stained face. She felt a firm, but gentle hand touch her shoulder. "It's okay to be upset. You're allowed to be angry and cry. You're young." She looked up and it was Professor Snape. His usual scary, dark and authoritative demeanor softened. He gave her a look like how Remus and Sirius look at her. "I feel horrible that I did it. I know that it was because Dumbledore asked me to complete this mission that my parents didn't get to finish, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel completely wretched." She let out a sigh and sulked. "You are not wretched. You were never evil, or cruel. As your former head of house, I can say that you were a gift to the Slytherin house. You brought change, to how your fellow Slytherins were treated, by how you treated other houses." She looked back at the memories that she had made when she was genuinely happy before her parents were murdered. She made friends that she could call family. She became close with people in other houses, and she became an order member when her parents took a liking to being on the good side.

"You're an outstanding member to The Order, and everyone in the room loves you." Professor Snape complimented. She couldn't help but smile a little, but she still had overwhelming doubt in herself. He rolled up his left sleeve and revealed to her his dark mark. Her eyes widened and she looked up at him in awe. "This was given to me with my eager consent. I was a death-eater, up until Dumbledore showed me that I can be better, smarter, and that I can show my loyalty for good and not work for someone who wants all the power and gives no credit." He quickly pulled down his sleeve and you both stayed looking into the flame.

"Sir, there is one thing that had been crossing my mind since I've accepted to do the mission for Dumbledore." She looked up at him and he could tell that she was extremely nervous. "What if the mission fails, and he kills me?" The thought of it made her blood run cold and a chill run down her back. Professor Snape looked at her with an expression like he wasn't sure either, but he held her shoulder securely, and looked her in the eyes. "As The Order we are sworn to protect everyone in it. If I am not the one to protect you, anyone of the members will." He paused "Well, aside from Sirius because he's under house arrest." He sounded blunt, but she laughed knowing it's Snape's dry humor. He looked you with reassurance "Just know that you have all of us to watch out for you. We all want what's best, and we would never let you go in there blind. We have eyes everywhere, and anyone of us would lay our lives down to protect yours." Snape was doing a very good job at making her feel better when she felt absolutely at her lowest.

"I would do everything that I could to protect anyone of you too." Snape formed a small smile on his lips. "That's what makes you a good addition to The Order. Snape got up and was walking away when she spoke. "Thank you for making me feel better, Sir." "I'm glad that I could comfort you in some way." He said as he walked away back into their conference room. She felt as if she was pumped with the confidence to fulfill any task given to her by Dumbledore. She was given a major confidence boost from her former head of house, and that alone meant the world to her. She got up from where she was sitting and explained everything to The Order on what happened. What Dumbledore had asked her to do and what orders she was given to follow. She explained everything in detail and with a newfound confidence given to her by Snape.

[mayfriend]

19 be a hater pls :^D

Oh, I love being a hater, tysm <3

Idk if they're popular still, but when I was in school everyone kept on talking about Uglies by Scott Westerfield, and I figured huh, must be a pretty good book. NOPE. Go straight to (literary) jail, do not collect £200, do not pass go. I can see what he was trying to achieve with the whole 'beauty isn't important' angle, but it just came across very preachy and seemed to insist that anyone who cares more than 'normal' amount about their appearance is shallow, and doing the dance so many authors do when trying to undercut western patriarchal norms where they end up blaming women for wanting to be pretty in a society where they're point blank told that's what makes them worth something. If you want this done well (even if it's aimed at a slightly younger audience), try Jennifer Murdley's Toad by Bruce Coville.

All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. Now, before you get your pitchforks out: I think she again had a pretty good basis for a story idea. Finch and Violet are well defined, original characters and the end point is the strength of the story. But getting to the end... god, this book was a drag. I'm sorry, it was. The pacing was all over the place, it felt like Niven was just making the same point about life bring both difficult and precious over and over and over again in the same way, and didn't trust her readers not to need their hands held the whole way. Also, as a pet peeve, 're-MARKEY-able' is not that clever of a pun that it needs to be thrown about every other page.

My mum bought me The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton quite a few years ago now, and I still haven't been able to make it further than the first chapter. Apparently its very good but I just can't persist through the dull beginning.

I made the critical mistake of buying Nikita Gill's poetry book, Fierce Fairytales & Other Stories to Stir Your Soul, after seeing it for dirt cheap in a charity shop. Dear GOD do I know why it was cheap now. I've recently gotten into the habit of putting my name and the year into new books I start, because I like the thought that in the future someone might see it and have a moment of connection, but legit I want to rub my name out of this one so nobody knows I owned it, however briefly. It's that bad. I vaguely knew her name (mainly through searching for content for webs), and I'd seen a few lines of her poetry online that weren't awful, so I foolishly assumed that in order to publish a book it would need to have, you know, decent fucking content. I cannot actually express in words how bad it is. I couldn't force myself through the latter half - foolishly, I persevered at first because I thought there had to be something in there worth the cost of the paper and the ink, but no. No there is not. And again!! The IDEAS aren't bad!! People are updating fairy tales all the time!! But its just so lazy. There's drawings that I'd charitably say are just above the level of a thirteen year old girl doodling during English, a poem about Cinderella (at least I think it was Cinderella, but I don't hate myself enough to go and double check) that I shit you not referred to a fidget spinner, and the most boring rhymes and brain-dead interpretations of fairy tale characters you've ever seen. It's apparent meant to be 'feminist' fairytales but, deadass, they're just. They're just about Disney characters. Don't believe me?? Exhibits A to G (because it turns out I do hate myself enough to scan for the worst bits so you can all suffer as I suffered):

unLIkE moSt MeN oF hIs TImE, hE waS pROGreSsiVE

Like... my good bitch, half of that is written in the most jarring structure, unappealing sentences and awkward wording imaginable, and the other half is Disney™. Oh, the sea-witch is ample bodied, is she? 'Jafar' the Sultan's most trusted advisor was a poor boy come from nothing, huh? Cinderella's mother l i t e r a l l y told her "have courage and be kind", hm? Those motherfuckers will sue, and I kind of hope they do in order to get this refuse off the shelves.

There are more, but I got sidetracked (I couldn't find the fidget spinner line but I swear to you it's in there) and I need to go scream into a pillow or something after reminding myself about that godawful poetry book.

[newbeginningsworld]

Alive

For the longest time I've been unhappy with who I am.. just unhappy in general.

For the longest time, I've lived with this thing that's always been hard to explain..

My depression.

My anxiety.

The feeling of worthlessness.

I remember when it began.

It started when my father left when I was only 3 years old. He was in and out of my life until I was 10. It was then, at ten years old, when I decided he needed to stay out of my life for good.

He left me to grow up wondering if I actually really mattered.

He left me to grow up never being able to trust a man to stay. Never able to trust that anyone would stay.

He left me to believe that at the end of the day everyone would end up leaving me..just like he did.

As just a young child, I went through years of therapy, but it never really helped.

Talking to a stranger about what was going on in my ten year old mind did not help one bit.

The depression.

It only worsened during my sophomore year of high school.

I was lost.

My grades were slipping. I couldn't be on my lacrosse team anymore because of the results in my classes. My friends were going their own way, figuring out where they belong.

I, on the other hand, was alone.

I was alone with just my thoughts. The voices in my head were telling me I was unimportant; worthless. That I had nobody by my side. That I would continue to fail.

I was at war with my own mind.

I abused myself.

I neglected myself.

For years, I would look in the mirror and see nothing and felt nothing but hate.

I began to believe I had no purpose.

I had given up on life.

There was no point anymore.

I remember the exact moment when I completely gave up.

I was sitting in the corner of a running shower, tears flooding down my face, a razor blade in my hand.

That was the moment I attempted to take my own life.

I remember piercing my own skin, watching the blood run down my arm.

Instead of feeling pain, I felt relief.

All the pain. All of the sadness. All of the loneliness. All of the fear of failure. It was all about to end.

I would finally be set free from the prison cell of a body that I was trapped in.

But it wasn't enough.

I failed to take my own life.

And deep down, I was grateful that I didn't.

My physical wounds would heal, but leave scars as a reminder.

I remember the look on my mom's face when I told her what I had done.

The expressions of shock. The expressions of sadness and disappointment.

I had made her believe that this was her fault.

It wasn't.

It was the voices in my head. My depression.

I started going back to therapy.

Again, it didn't help.

Even though it was always going to be lurking behind me, I learned to keep it at bay.

And that was going to have to be okay for now.

Two years later, I graduated high school.

I persevered and overcame all of the obstacles and challenges.

Graduating means I survived.

The next two and a half years, I took time off.

Applying for job after job, just to get by.

I was trying to find myself, find my purpose in life.

But I still felt so lost. With no meaning.

Some days were better than others. Some days were worse.

Most days I lived in a state of pure agony and fear. My bad days usually involved me locked in my room completely numb to everything. Other times it involved voices, which sometimes became aggressive. At times, it made me believe things that aren't real. That don't exist. It made me feel things that aren't real, including physical pain. It made me relive the worst moments over and over and over again with no escape. At times it was terrifying and draining.

But I hid it. I shoved my feelings aside. As I always did out of the fear of judgment and being misunderstood.

I had come to terms that this was just apart of me and there was no fixing it.

Along the way, I found someone.

Someone who made me feel happiness. The happiness I couldn't yet give myself. Someone who put my mind at ease. Someone who was not only my love, but my best friend. Someone who taught me how to smile again. How to laugh. That I could be who I was and he would still love me. He made me feel okay, even when certain things weren't okay. In the beginning, he showed me the most beautiful love.

I thought I had found the one. My soulmate. The person who I could see a future with. The person who I could build a life with.

Then suddenly we were a world apart. But I promised I'd always wait for him and he promised to do the same.

Two months later, everything changed. Things were different between us. He had become cold, angry, and distant. At times, even ignoring me, pushing me away, and forgetting plans we made. I just wasn't a priority in his life anymore. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Worried anything would set off his anger. I spent months lying awake at night, doubting myself. Wondering where I went wrong, if I was good enough, what I could do better. Trying to change who I was to better fit his liking.

Throughout all of it..I lost myself.

I have no idea who that girl was. I was so consumed in my relationship and trying to make it work, I couldn't recognize myself. If I would have listened to my friends and let go, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have lost friends. Maybe I wouldn't have lost myself. Maybe I wouldn't have been living through my boyfriend.

But I continued to fight for my relationship..to try to make it better than it was. Even though deep down, I knew it would never change.

He continued to push me away. He closed himself up. He would even cut off in the middle of a conversation and just disappear. He had given up on trying to fix things. He had given up on us.

I felt alone in this relationship.

It was then I had come to realize that all the words that were said were just words. All of the promises made were all lies. I found out I was not the only girl in his life, or at least he didn't want me to be. For months, he would have moments of extreme jealousy. He would see guys complimenting me and accuse me of liking it more than I should. He would accuse me of cheating and make me feel belittled.

When in reality he was the one who was cheating.

The plans of our future, the words of love, they all came crashing down. They were all replaced with the feeling of pain, betrayal, anger, and sadness. It hurt like hell. This feeling of pain and betrayal sits in the very core of my being. Its like a rotting corpse of our future together that was brutally murdered by his actions. Its foul. It's a stench I have no words for. I can not recognize the person I once had so much love for. Who I poured my heart out to and would have given everything to. He was a stranger.

I had let him in. He broke down all of the walls I had built to protect myself. I let him see all the parts of me, even the dark parts of me. I trusted him with my heart, just for him to walk all over it and treat like everything we had been through was..nothing.

I am the one who is going to have to live with this. Knowing the one person I trusted completely and fully not only betrayed me, but forever destroyed the trust I will place in others. How am I ever supposed to believe in anyone again? I won't be able to. Not fully.

I finally gathered up the courage to end it. To leave this one sided relationship. This toxic relationship. I realize now that at the end I was only holding on to this relationship because I was afraid of being alone. But sometimes being alone is exactly what you need.

So that you can finally see everything clearly.

I had been blinded by love, that I didn't see it for what it truly was. I know now that I'm better off. That I deserve better.

Even though I lost my relationship and a best friend,

I gained something so much better.

Me.

My entire life, I have been trying to fill this void, but nothing ever seemed to stick.

There was always something missing.

I know now,

That missing piece I had always been looking for

was Me.

I needed to find myself again.

To learn to love myself.

I had gone down a self destructive path.

I had not only lost myself, but I lost faith.

But now, I'm ready.

I'm ready to dedicate my life to something better.

I am ready find my faith again. I am ready to surrender all of my fears and worries. I am ready to go down the path that has always been meant for me.

I am finally going down a path where I can see light instead of darkness.

I'm finally on a path to getting better.

I'm finally on a path to learning to love myself.

I'm learning to not let my depression, my thoughts and my feelings consume me.

I am learning to forgive and let go of all that pain and toxicity.

I am learning to finally be in control of my own body and my own mind.

I am learning its also okay to feel emotions. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not be okay. I know now that I am stronger than the struggles I face. I know I am strong enough to get through anything. There is a reason for everything. My struggles made me stronger and made me the person I am today.

I am learning that things will not always turn out how you planned. And it's okay if they don't.

It's okay if I lose people; if I lose friends. Sometimes it's for the best. I am learning to let go of the toxic people and I know now that I deserve better. I deserve to be made a priority; to be put first for once.

It's okay not to get the perfect score on every exam. Nobody is perfect.

I am learning not to compare myself to others. I was made the way I am for a reason. I am me and that is enough.

I am learning I do not have wear make up everyday. I do not have to play a part. I am beautiful the way I am.

I am learning that we only have one life and I am no longer going to take that for granted.

You only live once, so I'm going to eat that piece of pizza. Or the entire pizza. I earned that pizza.

I'm going to sing my favorite song at the top of my lungs, as if nobody is listening, even if they are.

I'm going to see more movies, even it's by myself.

I'm to make my dreams a reality. I'm going to study hard, graduate and become a Vet Tech.

I'm going travel.

Go on more walks and enjoy the world around me; because sometimes it can actually be beautiful.

Love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally.

I am going to actually live.

I am learning that I DO deserve to be happy. For me and nobody else. I am learning that I AM important. I am ENOUGH. I do MATTER. My happiness matters. My mental health matters.

Life is too short to be anything, BUT happy. Smile & take a deep breathe because everything we are facing is temporary.

After everything, I have finally found my purpose in life. I am finally moving forward.

I can finally see a future that I am in.

The weight on my chest.

It is lifted and I can finally breathe easy.

I overcame

I conquered

I survived.

I am ALIVE and I finally want to be!