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ckret2 · 6 months ago

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I'd been meaning to do this since I found your account but today I read through the entirety of your Goldielocks fic (or at least, what's available) and all I can say is WOW !!!!!

You're really fucking good at writing these characters, capturing the lighthearted-yet-somehow-serious tone of the show, and the stuff you make up for worldbuilding fits right in with canon stuff. As a lover of making things canon-compliant and in-spirit-of-canon, this fic is like a dream come true. You're an amazing author !

I really look forward to your post-TBOB edits of the eclipse arc and the flatworld arc, I can already kind of guess where you're gonna go with it, but it's still exciting to think about what direction you might take things.

I'm also wondering, are you planning on changing anything about the Death Valley girls, what with the info we got about ciphertology and the like ? Or keeping them relatively the same ?

(I stayed up till almost midnight reading this - I'm so glad I don't have to be anywhere early tomorrow)

Thank you!! I've discussed my TBOB edits of the eclipse arc already, you can see some of them here if you want.

For the flatworld arc, I actually think basically nothing's going to change. Spoilers, but: Bill's world was never gonna be like Flatworld. It was gonna be a big reveal late in the fic ("big" for the characters, not the readers lmao) that Bill's world was actually pretty okay—like yeah, a few flaws, but not "barely-exaggerated satire of Victorian-era ableism/sexism/classism" flaws—and everything the kids read in Flatworld that made them pity Bill was 100% bullshit. It was going to turn out that Bill's world is actually...

... pretty much fucking exactly like Euclydia ended up being in canon—up to and including baby Bill getting medical trauma over having a super-rare cool-ass eye mutation that lets him see the stars of the third dimension.

I was gonna have Bill go "oh yeah, that's why I drove the author insane, I was that pissed at him for making my home world look that bad. I didn't correct you guys because I thought it'd be useful if you pitied me."

I did this because, before TBOB came out, I knew that no matter what I wrote about Bill's home dimension, probably a good 20% of readers would just push it to the side and automatically assume that his dimension was exactly the same as Flatland—like, occasionally readers were making comments about my fic talking about how triangles ***ARE*** oppressed in his home dimension like it was a canonical fact and taking it as a given that I was writing that. For that 20%, it seemed to me like the best way to ensure it got through to them that whoa, this isn't Flatland would be to have the characters assume his dimension is exactly the same as Flatland so that I could say, in story, "no that's totally wrong."

Post-TBOB, a lot fewer readers are gonna make that assumption. But having the characters assume his dimension is a lot worse than it really is is still a part of the story—it ties into the narrative of them slowly growing to expect him to be something more sympathetic/heroic than he actually is, a la Dipper's assumption that the Axolotl poem is a prophecy about how Bill will help save them—so there's no reason for me to take it out.

So yeah, tl;dr: Flatworld doesn't need to change because it was always going to be wrong.

I'm only gonna change the Death Valley girls a little bit. Everything I've currently written about them stays the same; except I'm also gonna mention that, yes, they are a Ciphertology sect, and yes, all the girls in the cult are Cipherwives.

So now I also get to crack jokes about Bill being both flattered and a little creeped out that even after he mostly ditched the cult they just kept inducting new recruits as "cipherwives" whether he showed up or not, like wow, you're just gonna marry him off in absentia to some lady he's never met??? What if he doesn't wanna marry her? What if he doesn't like her haircut?? Every time he shows up he finds out he's got a new wife! He loves the attention, but jeez, girls! At least send him a letter with his new bride's picture and wait for him to mail back an "OK" or something!

#bricky b #ask #bill goldilocks cipher

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burningcheese-merchant · 5 months ago

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So.....

Burningcheese bang?

wym lol. Gonna answer thoroughly bc this is vague af and I don't want to accidentally give you the "wrong" response

BurningCheese w/ Yandere Spice: No lol. Yandere Spice thinks about her while he jerks off and tries to get handsy, but that's it. No pussy for him. Only violent retaliation for coming within 500 feet of her (deserved)

BurningCheese w/ Reformed Spice (aka my main personal canon): Yes lol. Often. Active, healthy, passionate sex life. The kids didn't come from them wishing on a star, I'll tell you that lmaooooo kind of impressive that they only had two ngl

BurningCheese with Yandere Spice + Accidental Yandere Golden: Yes, but only after Golden is no longer able to fend off her sick attraction to Spice. She feels extremely shitty every time they have sex but she can't say no to him. She's as batshit insane about him as he is about her. No amount of guilt or shame is enough to stop her anymore, she's severed head over blown off Achilles heels over this psycho freak lol. (There, that's the ending to this saga. Toxic mutual obsession codependency, tinged with extreme violence and self-loathing lol. I can elaborate more but that's more or less how it goes)

BurningCheese in the time travel AU I'm cooking: I'm not spoiling that for you. Sit down and be patient

BurningCheese in the other AUs I have planned: Not spoiling that for you either. Why are you touching my oven? Get the fuck out of my kitchen and let me cook lol

If you're asking about NSFW BurningCheese stories in general: There will be some, yeah, but only on my AO3. I don't feel comfortable posting explicit stuff like that on here (nor advertising them, so you'll have to just check back in on my AO3 account every now and then). Got plenty of BurningCheese stuff to sell you all, SFW and NSFW lol. This ship has devoured my soul and damned me to Hell, might as well let loose and drag you all down with me if I can

IMPORTANT NOTE, BECAUSE I WANT TO BE CLEAR: Any sex I write between them will be 100% consensual. I enjoy writing Yandere Spice, and he does get quite predatory at points, but I will never allow anything beyond what he's done so far. He fantasizes, he cops a feel or two like the sick perv he is, he gets the shit beaten out of him and Golden gets away (I NEVER actually want Yandere Spice to "succeed"). I'm not going any further than that. I have to draw a line somewhere, and I'm drawing a very hard one at... that particular crime. That's too sick even for me. I can't and won't stand for it. If and when they fuck, they both want it and they both enjoy it. That's it. The end

#cookie run kingdom #burning spice cookie #golden cheese cookie #burningcheese #goldenspice #suggestive

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ohbother2 · 10 months ago

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Hi everyone,

I know it's been ages and some of you have probably seen this notification and have hoped that this means the fics on this page will be updating, however, I've got some bad news.

This blog was a joint account between two friends who loved creating silly stories of some of our favourite characters in our free time and gushing over character details with one another. Beyond tragically, my friend, the co-runner of this account, passed away a few months ago. Obviously, I'm keeping the details private, but it was sudden and unexpected.

I know this is a shock to all of you, and not what you were expecting to hear after such a long hiatus. Understandably, I've not been active on tumblr, particularly this account, since. It's felt incredibly wrong to login to this blog and even attempt to re-read some of the stuff posted or your comments/tags, especially without her to talk to about all your lovely messages. She really did love reading them, and we'd call for hours to laugh and talk about your kind messages.

Although I acted as what you'd call the 'face' of this account, actually posting, reblogging, commenting and following others, she was integral to the heart of this account, to the ideas and writing and editing that made this account what it is, and I don't want to continue posting heacannons/one-shots/any kind of creative writing on this blog without her. This was our passion-project, and a massive chunk of it is now missing.

I just wanted to let you guys know what the situation with this blog is and why, and I wanted to give a massive thank you from both of us for being the most supportive, kind-hearted, and tight-knit community we'd ever had or seen on Tumblr before. The fact we even had fan-art made of our writing goes to show how dedicated and incredibly talented this fandom is, how supportive and just genuinely excited everyone is to hype each other up and lift each other and appreciate all our passions. It's genuinely insane, and so rare in modern internet spaces.

Regarding the future of this account, because I don't want to leave unfinished fics floating around the website, and for personal reasons, I will be transferring all fics/one-shots over to AO3, marking them as incomplete, and 'orphaning' them. I've really debated this decision, and I believe it's the one she'd be most happy with. I'm just giving you guys fair warning, I'll wait a few weeks before I actually do anything. I don't know if I'll delete this blog, I'm rather attached, but I won't be active for a while.

Probably most importantly, if anyone wants to take our ideas or our unfinished fics/one-shots and complete them/edit the story/adapt our head-cannons/incorporate them into your own fics, please do. I think it'd be nice to inspire and help other fic writers, and see the ideas carried on in whatever way you guys choose. Everything on this account is effectively 'orphaned' already, so feel free to do whatever you want with it :).

This is getting long, but I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who sent in requests, funny comments, little anecdotes, and witty one-liners into our messages/asks, both that we did and didn't respond to, especially lately. We planned to do a great return to this blog after our exams responding to them all/clogging up your feeds. Someone even called us their 'favourite niche internet micro celebrity', and we both found it hilarious.

There's no gofundme or anything like that set up. Sometimes, things just don't go as we plan and there's nothing we can do. If I've learnt anything from this godawful situation, it's that you should do whatever you want as soon as possible. Don't wait to join that club. don't wait to take that trip, don't wait to watch that show, don't wait to visit friends or family, don't wait to begin doing a hobby that you think you'll love. Anything can happen, and the only time we know that we have for certain is now. (Master Uguay was right in Kung Fu Panda after all).

I won't be active for a while, but I'll check in to see how this post is doing now and again, and I'll probably post again just before I begin taking things down.

Thank you guys, and I hope you don't dwell on this post too long.

#yep #still don't know how to end this #thank you all again #for anyone who wants to know im doing fine thank you #grief is a funny thing #but things get easier #and people keep living

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neptunes-sol-angel · 1 year ago

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I've been off here for awhile because I needed a break from this account because I've been fatigued from content creating and I specifically have plans to return for the next few days but before I post anything, I really want to talk about something with this community that's really bothering me. I haven't had any issues with anyone doing this to me, and I'm thankful for those who have been patient with me, but I do have mutuals and people that I follow that I've seen this happen to, and it's the entitlement.

There are way too many posts of people pressuring readers to make their content a certain kind of way, telling them what topics to do, or what topics to do less of and it's extremely disrespectful, unless a reader asks for suggestions/recommendations for ideas, it's rude to slip into their inbox/asks/comments to tell them how they should do their readings because if you take away the notes, it'll be apparent on how this pressure that y'all put on us is the main reason for why so many readers leave. They lose their sense of direction for what to do with their accounts, seeing the value in what they post up here, and enthusiasm for doing readings period. Stop doing it, it's rude. It's like the internet makes a lot of you forget manners and the common courtesy of boundaries because another thing that I want to talk about is these games.

It's getting out of hand how Y'all are treating readers over free content. Unless there was a monetary or reading exchange, there should be no reason for why you feel that it's okay to smother a person for a luxury (NOT A NEED) that they offered to you for free.

I need y'all to understand that the majority of diviners here bring you content because this is a form of escapism, idc who disagrees. A lot of the readers in this community are young, they're exploring and they have the free time to do it. But what all of us have in common, is that we have lives, and that shit changes. At any time. So does our schedules. We have school, work, bills, families, hobbies, issues that we need to take care of related to the things that I mentioned previously, physical health problems, mental health problems, issues with finances, issues with housing, and sometimes it can be that WE ARE JUST TIRED.

It's not to be rude, but if y'all continue to harrass readers like @crystaldivination and @s1ncer3dreams , I really want to remind anybody that posts content up here that's reading this that setting boundaries applies to YOU TOO, you don't have to be scared to defend yourself or feel pressured to explain right away that you're doing what you need to take care of you

I've observed these readers for awhile now, and from what I've seen, THEY ARE ALWAYS giving out free readings and if youve ever picked up a deck and have actually read for people, you would understand how it's actually insane how much taxing it is to even do a fraction of what they do. That post was unfair and vile to make, you didn't even wait to let this person respond to understand what's going on, y'all need to relax because this is concerning.

#pick a card reading #pick a card #divination #intuitive #tarot #spirituality #the tarot community #tarobtlr

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smallpapers · 1 year ago

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I'm not usually a fan of hunger game AUs cuz they usually don't take into account the actual characters and are just about the games, which is dumb and not really the point imo, so the fact that you tied in seam vs merchant class stuff, and even made Odalia's hair dye obsession make sense in-universe is so cool.

Also Amity being Peeta fits so incredibly well that's so genuis??? She's got a thing for dramatics and so does Peeta, she'd do anything for the girl she loves and so does Peeta, she's good at defensive close quarters combat(usually chosing the abomination glove rather than more long range attacks) which kinda fits in with Peetas wrestling..... I'm obsessed.

I have so many questions tho! Amity is also very different in terms of attitude/general personality. Would she have trouble acting charismatic for people who want to see her dead like Katniss did?(considering she dgaf about the abomination presentation in canon, she doesn't seem to like pretending. At least not after she befriends Luz bc pre-Luz friendship Amity and post-Luz friendship Amity are admittedly very different) or be more like Peeta and be a really good liar.... Luz seems better for the charismatic role(at least considering canon since she befriends lots of people and often fakes smiles for those she loves....) but otherwise makes for a very good Katniss. Her attitude could be very different from canon and closer to the small snippets we see of her when she's mad. Given that she'd be forced into a role of primary provider in-universe. Fiercly loyal and willing to fight tooth and nail for those she loves is extremely fitting. And on top of that you have Katniss's strained relationship with her mom due to her dad's death and Luz's strained relationship with Camila and her Dad also died when she was younger... omgggggg

Obviously lots of stuff would be different, but the fact that so much fits so perfectly is insane as a massive toh + hunger games fan I don't know how i never saw it.

Also......... would Finnick (the golden child of the capitol) be Hunter (the golden guard of the emperors coven)? :(

Sorry for rambling i just love this au so much 😭

Hi!!! Thank you so much!!! Im happy to hear you like the AU!! I wasn't expecting people to respond so positively hehe

Honestly im just as surprised as you of how well certain characters fit! I didn't really plan, just kinda went along and things clicked into place!

I agree their personalities would be quite different given the extreme situation, but thats the difficulty with these sorts of AUs 😔 but i guess it's something thats got to be balanced to not go too OOC especially if its written! Esp on the lumity dynamics~ Oh i didn't even notice the combative abomination matching with Peeta's wrestling until you mentioned it!! Someone on twt told me that Peeta's camouflage bit could be Amity camouflaging in a puddle of abomi-goo haha

And yes i think Hunter would fit into Finnick's role here compared to the other TOH characters!

No worries for rambling, i enjoyed reading it💛💛 tysm 💛💛💛

#this ask made my day thank you!!!!#lets rotate our brains in the microwave vvvvvvv #asks #conceptluz #the owl house #the Hunger games #long post

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magicalqueennightmare · 2 years ago

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Sins & Amends Chapter 30

Billy Russo x Female Reader (60 part story)

This follows pre- the punisher into the storyline of daredevil, punisher season 1 and beyond

This is NOT Canon Billy. This is decent human being Billy left with bad options over worse decisions

This was also posted to A03 under: WaywardGaPeach. That account and this one is the only place you'll see me post this. If you see it on any other platform/account know it's not me.

Chapter Summary/ Warnings: No matter how you and Curtis try Frank won't let anymore slip about Kandahar. Matt is a safe haven for you [tip toeing into the punisher season 1 events]

You were surprised that after seeing Billy that night Matt didn't ask any questions. He knew how Billy had broken up with you so suddenly and what had happened after Maria and the kids were killed. Hell he had heard Alice's side which you would even admit painted Billy as nothing short of having devil horns peeking out. You couldn't hold it against her, she'd known you for years and was very protective.

You couldn't help but think had you been in his position you would've been curious. Especially considering you knew for a fact he'd heard how fast your heart was pounding when you saw Billy.

You let it go for about two weeks until you were laying awake one night in the bunk room and couldn't handle it anymore so you grabbed your phone off the charger and hit his number as you walked outside into the cool night air.

A few of the guys were up in the common area watching t.v. A few moments later he answered with a sleep ridden "Hello?" "Are we good Matt?" You heard him make a confused sound then heard his bedside clock read him the time "Y/N it's two in the morning. What do you mean are we good? Is something wrong?" You let out a sigh suddenly feeling very self conscious about the fact that you had apparently been over thinking again. "Wait this is about us seeing Billy isn't it?" He asked once it truly registered what you'd said.

"Yeah I mean...the rest of that night you were quiet and didn't exactly even attempt to initiate anything for a few days afterwards. Did I do something?" You could hear him moving around in the bed and could imagine him pushing himself up to a seated position, probably rubbing between his eyes while he did so.

"Y/N we've been honest with each other from the start. I know you still love him in a way and that you probably always will and that doesn't bother me. The reason I backed off is because I wanted to make it clear to you that if you decide that you want this to go back to a non intimate friendship that I'm not removing you from my life. You want to keep going the way we have? Ok. I just want it crystal clear that we're going to remain friends. Hell like Karen says this insane little group of ours is the closest thing to family most of us have left"

You felt a little lighter just hearing him say that. "You do know you're clear to change things if you want and I'll be ok with it too?" You asked and he replied "I know. Now you feel better?" "Yeah I do actually" you tried and failed to stifle a yawn and he laughed "Why don't we meet at the diner when you get off?" "Sounds good to me" you replied and heard Alice come out the door behind you as you and Matt said your goodbyes then hung up.

You turned around to see her leaned against the doorway "You were over thinking weren't ya?" You nodded so she held out her arm and you let her throw it across your shoulders "C'mon honey let's go try to get some sleep before we get called out again" about the time the words left her mouth another yawn escaped your lips as if to emphasise her point.

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By the time eight rolled around the next morning you and Alice had done your entire check list and were waiting on ready when Ash and Riley walked through the doors. "Freedom!" Alice cheered grabbing your arm and running out the door with a laugh once the baton was passed on rig duty.

"So what's the plan for the day?" She asked as you followed her out to the street where she was trying to hail a cab. "I am going to meet Matt for breakfast, go home and sleep for a couple hours in my own bed then I will probably see if Curt needs me to pick up anything for the meeting" a cab pulled to a stop in front of the two of you but before she climbed in Alice stared at you for a second then shook her head with a laugh "I love you chic. See you tomorrow"

You watched the cab pull away then turned to head to the diner.

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When you walked in the door Kaitlyn, the waitress who normally worked this shift smiled at you and nodded towards a table in the back. You followed her line of sight and thanked her when you saw Matt drinking a cup of coffee.

He smiled when you sat down across from him "How was your shift?" "It drug on and on" you replied with a light laugh.

Kaitlyn bought a cup of coffee over and sat it down in front of you "Your usual Y/N?" "Yes ma'am" She looked towards Matt "Same for you just eggs over easy instead of scrambled?" He smiled "Yes, thank you"

Once she walked off you bumped Matt's hand and teased "Do we come here that often?" He shrugged and said "If it makes you feel better, I'm pretty sure she knows Karen and Curtis' order that well too"

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You were feeling better by the time you and Matt walked out the diner. He had his arm through yours like he normally walked and the two of you were laughing over Foggy making the opposing attorney forget their line of questioning. "He doubts himself at times but he is really an amazing lawyer. I'd want him on my side that's for sure" you said then quickly added "you too of course"

Matt grinned at your slip up "oh of course" the two of you started walking towards your apartment and he asked what your plans were for the day. "I'm going to see just how hot of a shower I can take then sleep for a few hours. After that I'm thinking I'll just get out later for some fresh air. Curt has a group meeting tonight. I may swing by after it to see if he needs clean-up help"

You were also hoping Frank may show up this week. It'd been too long since you saw him last and you were starting to worry, Karen was too. "Well if you want to get together later I'm free" he offered about the time the two of you made it to your building. "I may just take you up on that offer Murdock" you replied then left a light kiss on his cheek "I'll call you after I leave Curt"

He smiled and said "I'll keep my phone close by" then turned to walk away. You headed inside and spoke to Ms Johnson who was gathering her mail. "Y/N you just getting in?" You nodded "Yes ma'am. I got some breakfast after shift now I'm going to go get a little more sleep. It was a hectic night" "Remember to take care of yourself sweetie" you smiled "Yes ma'am" and walked onto the elevator.

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You fell asleep a little after ten and woke up around one thirty to your phone ringing. For a moment you considered just not answering it but then on second thought you grabbed it "Hello?" You didn't bother trying to cover the sleep in your voice, everyone that would be calling you with maybe the exception of Frank pretty much knew your schedule.

"Shit Y/N you're coming off a back to back shift aren't you?" When you heard Curtis' voice you pushed yourself up in the bed to a seated position "Yeah but it's fine Curt. What's up?" "I'm going to be running a little behind today. I'll be there to actually run the meeting but can you set up everything?" You nodded still half asleep then remembered he couldn't see you over the phone "Yeah no problem. Bakery run this week or no?" "Just coffee should be fine. I appreciate it" he replied and you smiled to yourself before saying "any time Curt"

After he hung up you considered going back to sleep but thought better of it. You kicked your blanket off and decided on getting out and getting some fresh air before you headed across town to set up for the meeting.

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You had been wandering around for the better part of a couple hours. That was the beauty of living in New York. There was always some place you could go.

You had considered dropping by the bulletin but given the time of day they'd be running around doing last minute stuff for the following day's edition and you didn't want to be in the way.

You did drop Karen a text asking if she wanted to grab lunch the following day and she'd quickly replied with a yes and a smiley face.

-----------------

You walked into the meeting hall humming under your breath. A part of you was tempted to play music on your phone while you set up but you didn't want to chance Curtis walking in and getting a laugh at your expense.

By the time you had the chairs in a nice wide circle and a fresh pot of coffee going you heard the outer doors open a few moments before Curtis walked in with a smile "You're a life saver Y/N!" You greeted him with a smile and said "I told you way back when I'd help in any way"

The two of you still had a few minutes to kill before anyone would show up so you grabbed a cup and leaned against the wall not far from where Curtis was sitting. "How's the planning going for Alice and Kenz?" You stifled a laugh considering they'd called you the week before because Alice's grandmother bless her heart was trying to figure out a way for them both to have a piece of her wedding dress to wear when the day did roll around.

"It's going. They're planning on a longer engagement like next year-ish. I'm happy for them. They love each other a lot" he nodded then cut his eyes up at you "How are things with you?" "I'm good. Work's been insane but then again when is it not" he seemed like he wanted to say more but about that time more voices started drifting in out the hall and although you recognized some as regulars you talked to there were a few unfamiliar voices not to mention O'Connor who annoyed the shit out of you.

You pointed to the opposite door "I'll be in the hall" he chuckled lightly as you quickly retreated.

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You were listening to Curtis tell a story you'd heard before, about a soldier in a hole. You actually liked hearing the way he told it and was trying to listen until the door at the end of the hall opened and Frank walked in.

Anyone else on the street passed him daily and didn't recognize him but even if you didn't know to look for the beard and longer hair, there was no hiding the way he walked and carried himself. You'd known him for far too long. When he met your eyes he didn't say a word, just came to stand next to you holding a book under his arm.

The two of you stood silent while O'Connor went on yet another of his bullshit rambles. What made you turn to glance at Frank was when Lewis said "All I know is we risked our lives, did terrible things and it meant nothing when we got home" you still had no clue what actually went down in Kandahar. Frank didn't want to talk and you didn't want to push it but fuck he had to know that it would take something major to make you ever think about turning your back on him.

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Once the vets cleared out you walked into the room with Frank close behind him. Curtis hadn't looked up until you said "Look who I found"

The two of them greeted each other while you started putting chairs away. What drew you back into the conversation was when Curtis said "Nobody wants to be themselves anymore. Internet, social media, god damn talent shows for assholes. Everybody wants to be somebody else. Nobody is happy to look in the mirror and just see themselves"

"Because then it means they don't have to be responsible either" you spoke and turned to see they were both looking at you so you shrugged and continued what you were doing. "What about you Frank? What's it gonna take to make you happy?" Curtis asked and you had to bite your lip not to laugh at least sarcastically when Frank's response was "Happy's a kick in the balls waiting to happen"

"He isn't wrong" you agreed and could see Curtis sigh simply from the fact that he'd signed on years ago to have you both in his life and it was far too late to turn back now. "I'll get to you later" he told you pointing his finger then looked back at Frank "So your solution is to kick yourself in the balls first? That's crazy lieutenant. Look you got half a life to live my friend. If you don't, you might as well be dead"

He cut his eyes at you as he spoke but you knew what Frank was going to say even before he scoffed "Oh I am dead Curtis. You didn't hear?" You knew better than to try to get between the two of them so you hung up the chair in your hands then found a place between them to watch.

Curtis shook his head "Bullshit. You've got a name, a passport as I recall. Frank Castle's dead. Pete Castiglione, he's got a life. Anybody that had anything to do with what happened to Maria and the kids are dead. Mission accomplished. I don't have a problem with that, hell I would've helped you if you would've asked me" you knew to your heart Curtis meant that and hoped maybe he could talk Frank out of his own head.

"I know you would've" Frank spoke so low if his voice wasn't so deep you wouldn't have been able to hear him. You hated seeing just how much hell he was still putting himself through. "But now the only person you're punishing is yourself" Curtis added and you agreed whole heartedly.

Frank looked down at his cup then threw it away. "Thanks for the coffee" he took the few steps to where you were and pulled you into a quick hug "Good seeing you Y/N" "You too Frank"

You watched him start to leave but he stopped at the door. "Hey Curt?" Curtis glanced up in response so he asked "How often you think about it? You know, the shit we did over there?"

Frank's eyes ticked towards you, so you busied yourself cleaning out the coffee maker. "All the time, but my conscience is clear" Curtis sounded genuine but you felt your heart twist at how Frank sounded when he said " Afghanistan was different, you know?"

"Different how?" Curtis asked and you started to wonder if maybe Frank would talk to him more if you walked out but Frank answered him "Just different. The things we did. They kinda got blurred" that honestly made you curious because during that timeline you were still with Billy. What had they been into? Curtis asked just that question "What were you into Frank?"

Frank didn't say anything so you turned back to face them both. Curtis shook his head "You see, what worries me the most is that you've been in a hole long enough that it's become home" Frank didn't meet his or your eyes when he said "Maybe that's where I'm supposed to be" there was a little pause of silence before Curtis finally said "Do me a favor Frank. Don't be a wallowing asshole. Before I have to take this fake leg off and beat you to death with it"

All three of you cracked up at that. Curtis smiled at the tension having been broken "Just imagine that headstone. Here lies Frank Castle. He lost an ass kicking contest to a one legged man… I'd do it" Frank glanced at you with a half smile "I'd actually like to see that" you laughed "Me too"

Frank put his hat back on then pulled his hood up "Take care of yourself Curt. You too sweetheart" "Don't stay away so long next time" you told him and he nodded before walking out.

After the outer door shut Curtis glanced back towards you "Now should we get started on your issues too tonight? Or put a pin in them for another time?" You grinned and held up your phone "I'm supposed to meet Matt when I leave here so can we stick a pin?" He laughed and said "As long as you don't try be a wallowing asshole either"

"Nope. I'm good being a normal asshole" you teased with a wink.

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Curtis offered to drop you off with Matt instead of you walking or having to grab a cab. It wasn't worth arguing him that Matt's place was the opposite direction of his so you just took the ride.

When he pulled up in front of Matt's building he parked and you were about to climb out when he said "Think we'll ever get him out that hole?" You let out a hard breath thinking over the last few months "I hope so Curt" he reached across to hug you then once you were out the car he rolled the window down "I'm not pulling away until you're inside" you laughed and mock saluted "Yes sir" and walked into the door, stopping to wave at him before letting it shut behind you.

-----------------------

No matter how many times you slept at Matt's his alarm clock always managed to startle you. It was louder than yours and spoke the time instead of buzzing or playing music. "Ugh make it go away" you grumbled burying your face in his back. He laughed and reached over hitting the right button to make it be quiet.

"What time do you go in?" He asked leaning back into your touch when you started to trace across some of the more prominent scars on his back. "Later today. Technically me and Alice are off but there's some meetings we have to attend"

"Aren't you meeting Karen for lunch?" He asked turning in the bed so his chest was now under your fingers instead of his back. You laid your head over on his chest and nodded "Yeah. You've got court don't you?" He closed his eyes before saying "Yeah" "Meaning we need to get up?" You asked closing your eyes too. "Five more minutes?" He suggested so you agreed "Five more minutes"

@intothesoul

@weallhaveadestiny

#au billy russo #billy russo x you #billy russo x y/n #billy russo au #billy russo fanfic #billy russo x reader #sins and amends masterlist

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scenetocause · 2 years ago

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Twenty Questions for Fic Writers 💫

i got tagged by @verycoolwearsleather and now i have to pretend i have a writing process haha

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

it says 52 but there's actually a lot more due to orphaning/anon-ing things.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

345,519 but again i'm not sure how much tha's counting

3. What fandoms do you write for?

gross f1 twinks

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

just telling it like it is (lando/maxv)

pretty sure this is just cus it's the oldest fic i have since the account reboot because it absolutely does not merit being anywhere near the top 10 lol it's just a 5+1 about other mando being obvious (it's anon'd cus i got bored of a load of my fics and didn't want them as part of the emptyhalf canon anymore)

every colour illuminates (george/lando)

for something i started writing offhand cus some of my friends were saying there should be more trans men in f1 fic, this one sure grew legs. i'm still insanely moved by the comments it gets and the way it seemed to resonate with people. i'm not sure i can really convey how dumb i actually am in a way that'd make people believe me but i really did just write this on vibes and it's one of the things i can say i'm genuinely glad i did. idk, it's just queer porn really but maybe we need more of that.

(i) just wanna get a little bit closer (mando)

you know i don't even think this is close to my best mando fic (personal choice is no plans of staying on) so there's no accounting for taste and you absolutely should practice death of the author or whatever. anyway, it's mando cohabitation era boundary breakdown stuff where they fuck and then go on a date about it.

shoreline i see when i'm off course (loscar, mando)

people rly are thirsty for a/b/o huh. how'd this little fic get into the top five so quickly?

the usual, upside down (alex/george/lando)

literally THEE most head empty omegaverse threesome fic in history y'all are horny as fuck. it literally only got written bc george did some dumb insta post where he called lando and alex his mates and also then was walking around looking horny af in the black fireproofs and mask when he stood in for lewis. there is NO nutritional content here even by the fast food standards of emptyhalf fic.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i uh. i should. i would like to but my brain is quite severely broken. i do read them all and i bookmark a lot in open tabs to come back to and reply to because they mean a lot but then i have 6000 tabs open and no executive function.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

we don't do that here. i guess maybe if you dig into the far distant past then it was probably i'm not just a fuck up, i'm the fuck up you love which is 18k words of jev not really getting over daniel that ends on a sort of optimistically blasted-open note.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

most of them are happy but probably actually pick me up, no headlights where george and max end up with their weird little family worked out and the kids are doing well, y'know

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no i don't think enough people read them to beef me lol

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

hahahaha oh yea. i like to think i write something along the lines of realistic queer sex, with the way that means it's mostly kind of funny and sometimes awakward and isn't elegant or arch or even particularly romantic except that you're getting to do it with the person you do it with. writing lando and oscar being straight with each other, even if it's in a cringe fail way, made me realise i really do not write straight people and i feel a bit like one of those painfully hetero actors who does a gay kissing scene and talks about how they had to get themselves in the mindset by watching the l word or whatever haha. what do straight people do? who are they?

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i was gonna say no but then i remembered i wrote logan and oscar going ghosthunting and being kinda pass-agg horny about it because. idk? logan gave me ryan bergara vibes.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i think someone reposted some of mine awhile ago and it got dealt with before i really knew anything about it idk

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i don't know tbh. someone made a podfic of one of my fics a way back.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yeah i used to do that quite a lot but now. i am a lone wolf. (too perverse for other people's minds)

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

jenson/lewis but society has never been ready for this

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i don't. i don't wanna let doubt enter into it but my daniel goes to fe fic is up against a number of the dark souls boss level demons in my own brain 😔

16. What are your writing strengths?

uh. i uh. i can write on my phone? i have a relaxed attitude to whether what i write is any good at all? i don't actually think i really have any.

people quite often say i have a lot of emotional intelligence in my fics which is very funny to me because i am a deeply unemotionally intelligent person so idk how that's happened really.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

look we could be here all day.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i guess it has never bothered me so long as the reader could be reasonably expected to work out the meaning from the context.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

cardcaptor sakura (i was 14)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

hmmm. in terms of thinking it's like, good or whatever it's probably don't say no or you'll have to go, the fucked up valtteri/george mutual seat envy/horror of being compared to lewis hamilton thing. or really, it's an old spy au fic called ten seconds before sunrise that i deleted ages ago so: sorry about that.

but favourite is probably some dumb mando shit or i have extreme recency bias so maybe logan and oscar go ghosthunting or whatever. oh wait, no, it's genders maxy the how-to-find-your-identity-post-racing-in-your-pussy treatise that was born of crack but ended up. no, it's still crack. anyway, classic emptyhalf shit tbh.

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v-writes · 4 months ago

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I think something I want to implement is a word count goal per day/week

And if I beat the overachiever in my head back with a stick and make the goal small enough I can do it even on bad days/weeks I'll still be making progress, instead of getting discouraged, because as much as I have had days in the past where I write 4k in a sitting that's not something I can really bang out on command consistently, and hoping to/trying to force it is why there was a 9 month gap between posting ch 1 and 2 of Best Foot Forward. ch 2 was written and just needed an edit for so long, but I didn't want to post it until I knew I was going to actually be working on it consistently, and then ended up posting it on a whim on new years eve, kinda as interaction bait. And while this, making a point to write more, was not intended as a new years resolution, that is kinda how the timing worked out.

still kicking around exact number goals, cause I want to see how it works in execution, but rn I'm thinking 150 words a day or 1000 a week, which looking at the past few days that word a day goal feels low, but by having a weekly goal as well it'll (hopefully) help prevent me from getting in my head about like. when I have evening plans and so don't have free time to write. Oh no I have other social obligations. I don't objectively have a problem prioritizing based on plans, or setting writing aside, but if I set just a per day goal it'll nag at me when I can't do it, bc then like. what's the point of the goal? but having dual goals? would fix that. And like once I get writing I'll probably write more than the goal, but the trick is maintaining the habit.

Look last year was the year I realized I go insane without a creative outlet, I just hadn't noticed because I hadn't realized that DMing and Dungeons and Dragons had filled that slot for me. But with how life has shaken out recently I haven't been DMing? Tho I'm a player for the longest I've ever been! but that doesn't scratch the same itch. Not to mention dnd is mostly improv, and comes with a group that can (whether they realize it or not) act to hold me accountable to prep bc I'm not the only one involved.

But writing being more of an individual thing (until it's ready to post) means it's easier to just. not do it. but the effort is worth it!

#v thoughts #not committing to a goal yet bc I want to see what my average is over more time before I commit #A friend suggested 200 words a day bc then that's only 5 days to hit the per week goal #so like the per day goal would already be taking into account the days I won't be able to write at all #looking at the past week or two I've been keeping track #if I actually write I tend to hit 300ish #on good days it's considerably more and on days it's less it's considerably less #another side effect of writing regularly that I hadn't planned on is that it also means I'm spending less time on Tumblr in the evenings #which is also probably more healthy #instead of scrolling social media until bed time I'm actually creating something and then trying to be minimally distracted by internet

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mbunap · 9 months ago

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Playing Food Fantasy as an F2P pt 1 : Food Souls

a guide + my thoughts

M — best for restaurant and fishing!

R — best for other non-battle tasks like delivery

SR — strong enough to be in battle

UR — harder to ascend, better for battle (usually)

SP — sometimes better for battle than UR but insanely difficult to get and ascend as a f2p player, do not recommend even thinking about them! (unless you just want to collect them, even then they are expensive)

First off, I don't recommend rerolls. Even if you think your starter characters suck, what you really want to focus on are Black Tea, Milk, and Tom Yum. The nice thing is that not only are these characters extremely useful, they're super easy to ascend!

I rolled for Milt and Caviar (both are URs) very early and put a lot of resources into them... but they were eventually too weak so I had to go back to Milk and Tom Yum anyways. It would've been easier for me to just focus on Milk and TY from the start (⁠-̩̩̩⁠-̩̩̩⁠-̩̩̩⁠-̩̩̩⁠-̩̩̩⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠-̩̩̩⁠-̩̩̩⁠-̩̩̩⁠-̩̩̩⁠-̩̩̩⁠) I'm currently in Palata and still use them alongside Black Tea!

since BT and Milk have a powerful linked skill, don't waste resources on their energy skills.

for battle Food Souls, you want to focus on ones that can be ascended to at least 3 stars : 0 star Food Souls cannot be levelled up beyond lvl60 and you need 2-3 stars to unlock artifacts! artifacts are for another guide since they're not important for beginners. Below I'll have a list of notable Souls to look out for

for M Food Souls, stick to buying their shards from the Tip Shop : They're very rare to summon and I don't recommend fusing shards unless it's a character that is impossible to summon, like Takoyaki and Strawberry Daifuku

for R Food Souls, just collect them as they come along : most of your summons are going to be R Food Souls so they're not hard to ascend. I've been playing on my current account for 2 months and I've already gotten all the permanent R Food Souls to at least two stars

for event only Food Souls, do what your gut tells you : the first event character I five starred and collected all the skins for was a useless R that I just found pretty. The resources needed were like 300ish crystals so I didn't mind. The thing about event characters is that we never know if we'll have a chance at them again once their event is gone, so don't waste your resources unless you have enough to actually get them (or 3star them if you're planning to use them for battle)

and remember : not all of your food souls need to be five starred. if you stress over being a completionist like that, you probably won't enjoy this game. Most of their five star skins suck anyways and you don't get any bonuses beyond making them more useful in battle

note : do not fuse shards to ascend unless they are impossible to summon. this includes event souls! you'll usually see an event soul at some point in a summoning pool, it just might take a couple of months if that was their debut event!

want a list of Food Souls to look out for?

click here for permanent souls

event souls are in my pinned post

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danebreaker · 1 year ago

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WHY I LIKE HOMOSEXUAL GUYS AS A GIRL

I had this thing where I'm very picky when it comes to guys. But no matter how picky I am.

I always ended up choosing the gays

— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —— ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ —

The first time I saw this guy was on a school post about school elections. My friends shared the post to me as a way to tease me cuz my ex was on it. But that dude is irrelevant so skipping from that i scrolled over to find this guy crossing his arms looking stiffer than a gargoyle.

He was tall and lanky but he was dripping with looks. And as always, girls, gays and any person around gushed about him. I didn't really care about the guy cuz he's just another random dude running for the position of Vice Governor.

Timeskip with me trying to work things with my ex and I ended up literally running away from him somewhere along lines. I met him weeks before intramurals. I was busy preparing because I got in the debate team and Miss Intramurals.

I ended up having to talk to him for school purposes. And when I was met with him. I crumbled like my test papers after getting an F for a score. Sure the guy didn't looked ripped like John Cena, or as manly as Andrew Tate wishes to be but oh he is attractive.

He talked with a soft but firm voice and his eyes was bright-not big, but bright and doe like. Judging from his demeanor and body language, I quickly figured out the guy was a friendly introvert. He won me over with his little shy smile and his voice.

I didn't exactly went crazy over him but I acted crazy when I'm with my friends cuz school was getting boring as heck without a crush and I needed something to cheer me into going in. We would pass by each other quite often in the hallways because of our busy schedule that involves us running around places.

And during those run-ins, we would hold eye contacts for God knows how many times and would always catch eyes even though the latter is on the other side of the room. I would be the first one to break the eye contact since ya gurl is gets nervous. At least that's what I think transpired. Honestly, I am delusional as heck so just indulge me.

Since I'm self-aware, I had to do a reality check and see if I was tripping about our glances or not. So one time at the canteen, I has a plan to purposely try to hold up the eye contact for longer and wait if he pulls away to see if he was actually looking at me too.

And after failing successfully, we hold eye contact for longer than usual. But I failed at not being the first one to pull away. I gushed and jump internally because I finally confirmed that HE IS in fact also looking at ME.

To back up my claim and make me look less insane, My friend was with me and he also noticed. He initially thought my crush was looking at him but then he figured out my crush was looking at ME. Of course, being a good friend, he fueled my delusions and I had him repeating the interaction over and over again until it seeped into my brain that he was in fact staring back at me.

I rode along with those supposed interactions and the Intramurals went by with me winning 1st runner up for the debate team and crowned as Miss Intramurals. Along those snippets of memories, we had an actual interaction backstage. I was obviously one of the contestant for the pageant and he was getting ready for the event since he is the Vice Governor.

"Do you have lip balm?" He innocently asked me with his cute self adorned in a black and white gradient barong (a traditional Filipino clothing). "Pay first" I joked referring to me being an Accountancy Business and Management student. He just smiled and we both went on. Looking back at it now, I wanted to kill myself. Pay first???!?!?!?!? what the actual fuck

I cringed so hard after i said that and i still do in the present. That was the lamest I had ever been since I was assigned as a loser weirdo in society. Really!!?!?!?!? Out of all the things i could've said i said something to lame and so ugh!!

Anyways that interaction made me weak in the knees and I ended up winning the pageant after seeing him supporting me even though he is a STEM student and I am an ABM student. Ya gurl bagged the crown home and weeks went by with me killing myself mid exams with vape stressing out over my grades.

The thing that bothered me the most was when I tarnished myself in front of him. I had done stupid things and I'm basically the walking proof of embarrassment but Oh My God this time i actually embarrassed myself. Shouting his name at school grounds at 6PM thinking everybody went home. My friends were riling me up about my crush with him and of course I went along.

But what we didn't know was that my crush was downstairs and could hear everything. My friends shouted his surname at the top of their lungs and i had to make a quick excuse of "Oh you're not the one they meant, they meant a different guy" (his surname was common so i was able to say that) BUT HE DEFINITELY FOUND ME WEIRD AND I WAS ENGRAVED AS THE "WEIRD ASS PYSCHO BITCH WHO SCREAMS PEOPLE'S NAME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ON A RANDOM TUESDAY GIRL" IN HIS HEAD.

Weeks went on boringly until my friend came up to me and asked if I wanted to run for the elections. Of course I said yes cuz I'd be good for my school resume and I'd actually like to challenge myself with new goals and responsibility for character development.

And lo and behold, the party belongs to non other than him-my crush. He was running for Governor for the new school year and he was leading and forming his partylist. I ran for the ABM Mayor position and disappointingly, my ex and his new girl (beautiful btw, she looks like young Suzuka Ohgo). However, this made things awkward in general. I wasn't awkward with his Gf since she's also an ABM student and was part of the people i'll lead someday if i ever win so it was fine. But my ex? yeah we ended in bad terms for a reason.

Anyways, we were scheduled for a photoshoot and the photographer (my friend) chose me as the test subject to get the lighting good. He sneaked in good pics of me and my crush was along side me directing. like a true loser, I made jokes and this time though I successfully made him clench his stomach out of laughter.

His eyes crinkled and he listened attentively to me when i voiced out my ideas. He was still shy though but he was able to laugh a little louder which was music to my ears. Another schedule for the election went on and this time we had to film something promotional.

They were out at the center doing god knows what for the shoot while I stay behind chatting and meeting new people thinking everything was done and ready for the Mayors. Until I looked back to see them all sitting and discussing.

This made me think what the fuck was taking so long and what the fuck were they doing wasting everyone's time. They were like that for the past hour instead of filming so I decided to check. And when I went to stand up and take my torch which was required for the shooting, they also stood up and started readying for the shooting.

I went to all the guys( i was the only girl) and he was the first one to shoot since he's running for Governor. Their ideas were ok. Scratch that their ideas for boring and a little awkward. So i voiced out my opinions and changed some parts. Thankfully they all listened and actually considered my opinions and the shoot went well.

Once again, this guy was listening to me attentively and carefully. Looking at me straight at the face having no business with staring at me while I was having a hard time being professional cuz he was in front of me giving his full attention along with his sparkling doe eyes and cute tiny nods.

The shoot went by with me befriending everyone and scaring them all off with ghost stories about our schools. We all goofed around and I was able to be myself and being loud and cracking jokes since I already embarrassed myself in front of him, what difference would it make now?

When we went home at 8PM we tried venturing out into the supposedly haunted nursing floor before fleeing like pathetic idiots. Our second shooting went on and this time, we filmed outside and once again I was making jokes and stuff. We almost lit the city on fire cuz the idiots were lighting up a peace of cloth after losing our torch as a substitute.

This time, he was comfortable with cracking jokes with me and started conversations. He was comfortable standing close to me and I started to realize he saw me as someone he can be friends with. Even though our arms touched when he was holding the torch, all I could think about was how I should move on.

Amidst all that clarity, I vented out on a couple friends and they finally told me something i was too stupid to notice.

HE IS GAY

Yeah he is gay. Why i didn't noticed? Maybe cuz he's too masculine for me to see him as gay. Until I checked his IG account and found pictures of him all gay from head to toe.

How was I supposed to know?! Sure he dresses good and only hangs around gays and girls and was "mahinhin" or poised and soft but how was I supposed to know!? Sure he acts sassy and feminine but lots of guys are feminine nowadays?!

Ok who am I kidding, the dude's gay asfuck. He shares post about gay pride and BLs. He talks soft and feminine with a squeak in his voice and he walks while slightly bouncing and he stands with his hips bent like girls and does makeup with girls and hangs only around them or with gays. The guy's more feminine than me and i wasn't able to get the hint.

I then and there realized that I am not just weird and a loser, I am also a stupid idiot equipped with a broken gaydar.

Him being gay didn't surprised me tho, I always had this thing with liking gays for some time now. Always liking how "calmer" they are with guys at school. Always liking how they dress better and smell good. And how open, relatable and friendly he is with girls than straight guys. And how soft and cute he looked.

Basically, I've always liked the cute twinks but is too much of an idiot to notice the clear signs of homosexuality.

Bottom line, I always like gay guys. And I realized it's because I relate to them more. I've always had trouble making friends with guys and interacting with them after my ex basically traumatized. Finding myself only around girls and gays and being comfy with only a selected number of guys.

I've always liked gay guys because I loved how they made me feel understood, heard and just me. They encouraged me and supported me and had the same interest with me like makeup, dresses and some shows and films etc. I was able to relate to them more and made it easier for me to form bonds with them which is probably I always ended up liking gay guys.

So here I am- letting my emotions out for old time's sake so I can move on in peace.

Bye guyss

#pride #gay pride #rant #random #lgbt

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immortalbutterflycos · 2 years ago

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My relationship with writing is getting too complicated.

I don't really understand why writing is simultaneously the easiest and most difficult thing for me to do.

I've always been writing. I think that maybe it could have started in elementary school, but if I'm honest I don't have many memories of back then. If I didn't really write in those years, it was probably because I was always reading instead. That much I do remember.

In middle school, it had been an outlet of sorts.

Bullied, depressed, just your average awkward kid I guess. I don't really know what actually inspired me to- wait. okay no. I do remember what inspired me to start writing. There really was a genuine notable moment in my life and that just seems like an insane thing to have forgotten until now.

The entire school was reading this same book at the same time. It was this huge event for a while. There were posters around the school and everything. (The book was 'Schooled' by Gordon Korman)

After we had all completed the book, there was an assembly for the whole school in the Gym that was led by the author himself. This was the very first published author I had ever seen in person and I was enraptured. Because for the first time, the author of a book I actually enjoyed wasn't just a couple of words on the cover, they were a real-life thing. A profession.

The moment Gordon Korman said that he had written his first book when he was in 8th grade, it was like a switch was flipped in my brain. I wanted to be just like him. If he can do it, then why couldn't I?

I truly did start really writing that day.

It was a story about a girl falling in love with a demon after her best friend got kidnapped (or something like that. There was a demon and a best friend named 'Jay'.) and it was written down in a composition book in pink pen. I think I actually still have that now that I think about it... Maybe I should re-read it...

From that day on, I was always writing. No, I never got anything published, but the passion was still there.

I've started to write/plan out a few different stories since then but they've never been completed and to some extent, they've been abandoned completely. (which is actually a big part of the actual point of this post)

Sophomore year of high school, I started writing so much that I actually managed to piss off some of my teachers because of it. Well that and I would just pull out the book I wanted to read instead of the one I was supposed to for class.

Listen, if they were going to force me to reread "The Pearl" by John Steinbeck for the 5th school year in a row, then I wasn't going to comply. I liked the book at first and then they killed it. They beat that dead horse until we were all like, "Hey maybe leave the horse alone??? Just let the poor thing die???"

Other kids got to read Shakespeare and learn about Greek Mythology but I hadn't read a single thing about Greek Mythology until my Senior year. BRIEFLY. I was so mad.

Oh, and Catcher in the Rye. Fuck that book. I read it my Junior year for school and hated it so much that I, the least confrontational person on the planet, got into arguments with my teacher about it. She was also a shit teacher on top of that so idk I think I just had a growing grudge that whole time.

Fucking hell. I don't even know if anyone has even read this far but fuck it. If I wasn't convinced that I had undiagnosed ADHD before writing this post, then I sure as hell am now.

Actually, that's a good segway. I'm going to cling to that.

WRITING IS SIMULTANEOUSLY THE EASIEST AND HARDEST THING TO DO AND I THINK THAT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.

Sorry, didn't mean to yell. (lmao)

Anyway, back in sophomore year, I started writing fanfiction. That was genuinely the first time I started writing something that I planned to actually be read by another human being other than myself. All of the work I did in high school is on my old Wattpad account. I wish I could delete some of them but honestly, I lost the account info along with the e-mail address I used to create the account so it just gets to live on the internet forever.

But yeah. That was a thing.

I was still doing regular writing on top of that, but I have been hyperfixating on things my whole life, and fandoms and writing go hand in hand.

The whole point of this, WHICH HAS TAKEN TOO DAMN LONG TO GET TO, is that I can write. I can write for hours and hours without wanting to ever stop. I have plans and journals and slips of paper and post-it notes all just filled with writing. Hundreds of Docs.

And not a single completed project.

That is my issue.

I can plan out a cohesive story but actually getting to the writing part is so fucking hard.

This is weird as hell because I've posted full chapters before. On Wattpad in the past and Ao3 since I got into Critical Role. Never finished a story but that's another issue.

Right now, I struggle to even write a full chapter that I'm happy with.

I don't know what it is honestly. but its frustrating to be capable of writing and then to not be able to write.

That's it. That's the post.

If any of you read this far, you get a cookie because goddamn...

#writing with adhd #writing is hard #writers #ao3 author #maybe it was so easy back in school because I had to sit in a desk for hours and hours a day and needed an escape from the mundanity of it #i just want to do that again #I miss it

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jaxhol · 2 years ago

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I miss being this healthy with myslef.

If it weren't for all of these old posts and recordings and all of that other stuff I put out there when I was going through it, I wouldn't really remember how happy and mentally content I was and am able to be.

I hate to say I forgot how to do it, because I don't think i did. I think I got lost in the busyness of the world, and figured once I was well off mentally, I would stay that way forever. But slowly over time the goodness of it all dwindled, and I blamed it on life getting hard. When really it was the lack of routine of keeping up with and taking care of myself. But you can't force yourself to do anything, you have to really want it. You have to want whatever it is so bad, that you force yourself to get it. If there's no reason, there's no force.

The first day of Junior year is tomorrow, and I'm 17 now. I think that the first time I've explicitly said my age on here, and I think the last time I posted I wasn't even 16 yet. But a few little facts that would be good to keep here and get out there, are Ash and I are still together, and we're doing amazing. It's kinda crazy to think this whole account started because I needed a place to get my thoughts out about the ending of Bella and I's relationship. I really didn't have a clear view of myself actually getting out of all of that, and I'm very happy to look back and see I did make it through to the other side, and I'm very thankful for that entire situation. It was horrible, but the horribleness of it made me a lot stronger of a person, and I'm very happy with all that I learned from it, and what all that learning has lead up to. The summer was pretty solid, I worked for most of it, but I got to go to Turks with my entire dad's side of the family. It was amazing. I really got closer with all my cousins, I drank and partied, and had an amazing amazing time. Something I will never forget, and will forever be thankful for getting to experience. I've made quite a bit of stuff, some stuff I'm insanely proud of, and I'm really excited about what is going to get made this next year, especially with me starting a graphic design class.

Something I realized this morning, is that Ash and I didn't really facetime this summer, maybe 3-5 times. But I'm now realizing that we really didn't need to. We were able to see each other a lot more in person because I got my license last year, and was able to pick her up and hang out in person a lot more than we were able to last year. We didn't have another sleepover, but her mom didn't go out of town, and Ash was worried about her parents finding out. I understand both of those reasons very well, but I'm still a little bummed. But next year we will be 18, and technically adults, so I don't know if her mom can really say anything about it then. I don't want to get my hopes up, in case she still isn't allowed to, but I can always hope. I do miss facetimeing so much, because it made it a lot easier to communicate about the uncomfortable things. We would run out of comfortable topics, and have nothing else but uncomfortable stuff and phone sex lmao. But we have had less arguments and issues this last 6-8 months that the previous 6-8 months. So maybe we learned how to talk about issues comfortably and I just don't think about it anymore, and maybe we matured a little bit, so there's less issues in general, or maybe we just learned how each other are really, and are able to assume the right path. Maybe it's a mix of all those things. As long as we're happy and comfortable, it doesn't really matter.

I miss venting on here. It made me get everything irrational out, so when it was time to face the issue, I was able to be rational about it.

One thing I've realized, and that feels really good to say instead of suppressing it, is that if I stay with Ash for the rest of my life, which is mainly the plan, I am going to miss out on some events and opportunities that I won't get to experience staying with her. And I think that's okay, it is a pure fact that I would miss out on somethings. But 5-8 years of stupid fun, is nothing compared to getting to spend the remaining (Hopefully) 50 years of life I have with the most amazing person out there. I think totally, 101%, that that's worth it. It will suck not getting those experiences, but not having her will suck an infinite amount of times worse. I don't want this to be dumb, stupid fun love. I know at the beginning of our relationship I was terrified of breaking up, I tried my best not to show it, but I was. I don't have that irrational fear anymore. I mean I would hate for it to happen, that is one of the worst life events I can imagine. But I understand that she's not just going to leave for no reason, and if she does, it's her loss and if that's how she really is, it's better that I would be without her. I would be dodging a bullet. If she leaves me with no reason, I'm better off without her. But I don't think she is like that. I don't live in fear of a breakup, and if I have those insecurities, I am able to talk to her about it. I enjoy the time I have with her, and I hope to get to enjoy those times forever.

I have been terrible about spending money recently. I have spent close to, if not more than, a rack in the last 30 days. School starts tomorrow, so there will be less time to shop and eat out, but I'm not going to regret the money I spent. I enjoyed all of those times, and all of the things I got with it. I am very happy with it all, but I need to slow back down to the allowance I am given every week.

Thank you for being here, and thank you for listening. I am very happy to get this all off my chest. I hope I am able to stay consistent with it to remain in good mental health.

Thank you again,

I love you,

Jaxon Holuby

#pursuit of happiness

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sixstepsaway · 3 years ago

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Ed is my favorite character but I am also very much an Izzy Hands enjoyer and I am baffled by the "Ed is a innocent lamb uwu everything bad and mean about Blackbeard was Izzy but also Izzy is incompetent and Ed never needed him for Blackbeard at all!" sentiment I see. Like....? How do you reconcile that? Also Ed "doesn't kill" but we see him order a man to be flayed alive with a snail fork and then thrown overboard. We see that. Izzy isn't there. Izzy didn't "make" him do this, just like Izzy didn't make him cut off his toe, which happened hours after their fight, in a calculated response that took into account Stede specifically recoiling from the idea (there's something to unpack).

When they say Ed had people kill their pets, Ed doesn't deny it or in any way indicate it wasn't his idea. The entire plan of killing Stede and taking his place was Ed's idea, not Izzy's! Ed could have ordered him to stop at any time and he didn't, he didn't even have the stomach to watch Izzy stab Stede (I love the contrast between this and the act of grace moment), and people act like the whole murder thing was entirely Izzy's idea and desire and Ed is just a helpless bystander. Ed is the one in charge except when he can't or won't be, but he still wants things done his way, wants all of the positives and none of the negatives (who can blame him? We all want that. But Ed doesn't seem to recognize that isn't actually possible).

If Izzy is so diametrically opposed to everything Ed is, and just a horrible hateful little man, why has Ed kept him around? Why is he his first mate? Why does he trust him more than anyone else, and let him in more than anyone else, until Stede? Why does their relationship read like they came up together, like they've literally known each other decades, like there is a depth and history and so much nuance to the relationship and yet you have people acting like Izzy is just some guy assigned by the pirate temp agency to Blackbeard shortly before the show starts? That Ed doesn't have the authority to fire?

There's abuse and toxicity coming from both Ed and Izzy in this relationship, and we're seeing it as it crumbles. The fact that it crumbles so painfully and dramatically - along with just every single thing about the way they interact, I feel insane - speaks to there having been a foundation of genuine friendship and partnership and maybe even love through the years (there are so many ways to love, what Ed & Stede have is glorious but just one). They're both in crisis. Izzy is making horrific, hurtful decisions but so is Ed. Ed has been hurt by Izzy's actions but Izzy has been hurt by Ed's as well (I'm not even talking about the toe! I'm talking about the years of relying on Izzy and having him do his dirty work, with very little thanks).

Ed and Stede have protagonist bias working in their favor (see how so many people ignore Stede's casual colorblind racism and that he can only be funding this adventure through exploitation and violence) - they also had some tragic, traumatic back story shown on screen. Izzy didn't - do people think that means he doesn't have one? That he was just born like this, has always been like this for no reason? That isn't how humans work. Real or fictional.

Ed deserves to be happy, it's what I want most. I want him to heal. I want the same for Izzy. They're both struggling and in pain and nothing I've seen from either of them as fictional people in a romcom makes me think they're undeserving or unable to be redeemed.

Anyway I love your Izzy posts. Keep on keeping on. Sending this anon because I don't want my own haters haha.

All of this, anon. All of this. The Revenge and the rest of the Pirate World are two entirely different stages (up until the end of ep 10), and when they swap between those worlds, the rules shift and change. You go from Pirate Drama (ala Black Sails, for example) to Rom Com and back again. Because of that, pretty much everyone who joined the Revenge who isn't Stede is an objectively awful person in their own ways who have made their lives by killing, plundering, looting, even torturing. I think that's why I love them all so much, because they're being given the chance to evolve past that. It's almost like starting a series with an entire cast of villains heading for redemption. It's excellent.

omg anon this bit here i was nodding along ready to contribute my own thoughts and then i hit PIRATE TEMP AGENCY and i fuckin LOST IT. thank you for that.

But also I think one particular bit really stands out to me from the POV of their friendship. Two, actually, one less than the other so I'll start there:

the first one is that Izzy specifically sends Calico Jack after Ed. He knows enough about Ed's temperament, and about his relationship with Jack to know that Jack is absolutely perfect to drive a wedge not only between Ed and Stede but between Ed and everyone on the crew. And he DOES. It's an absolutely FLAWLESS plan up until the point they're in dinghy and Jack has to be a bitch and talk about Izzy. If he hadn't done that? If his jealousy, ego, bitchiness hadn't come out so strongly? Damn. That plan was flawless and Ed would firstly have never known about the English and secondly gone back to Izzy.

Because Izzy knew him.

But the bit I specifically wanted to talk about in relation to your piece up there is after Ed hits him at the start of Act of Grace.

First off; Ed only hits him. He socks him real good in the face but that's it! I subconsciously assumed he was testing to see if the English would stop him, and then would surge on with something new but no. He thinks Izzy has completely betrayed them, and he even says so to Stede ("He sold us out.") but all he does is hit him. He doesn't hit him then try to shove him over the side. He doesn't try to bounce him off the mast. He doesn't pull a knife! He just socks him once real good in the face.

And then comes what Izzy says after that:

"That's fair. That's fair. Remember though, you said when you made me first mate, 'above all else is loyalty to your captain'. You're my captain and I was never gonna stand by and let you destroy yourself for that... twat. And this? This is a humane way of ending this. It's quick, it's clean. Edward, you know that."

And oh, my god. I could go on about this line for days but I'll try and keep it brief: Edward is the one that told Izzy that above all is loyalty to him. Edward. Knowing what Ed is capable of, knowing the kind of shit he's done not only in episode 10 but also the skinning and god knows what else? Who knows how he instilled that into Izzy, that his loyalty is to Edward and Edward only. A lot of people think the X on Izzy's cheek is his signature, and fuck. Imagine if that was when he gave him that? Imagine if he literally tattooed his signature into Izzy's face because his loyalty is to Ed and Ed only. (If not that X, perhaps a Blackbeard brand under his glove? Who knows.)

Then, after that, he goes on to say he wasn't going to let Ed destroy himself. This isn't a betrayal, and I think the fact Ed doesn't kill him here, doesn't cast him off the ship at the end of episode 9, doesn't tell him to go fuck himself, proves that Ed doesn't think it's a betrayal either. Regardless of his feelings for Stede, the only time he thought it was a betrayal was when he thought Izzy had handed them all over hook line and sinker with no regards for anything but himself. Izzy did not betray him. Izzy, in fact, kept his pledge of loyalty.

And then finally, the humane way of ending this? Izzy's job is keeping Edward happy. Izzy's job is keeping Edward safe and happy. That's why Stede is, in that scene, about to die by firing squad, not in some gruesome show at Charlestown or whatever else might have come his way. I would lay bets that Stede dying quickly and as painlessly as possible was part of the deal Izzy made.

I would also bet that the words, "This is the humane way of ending this, it's quick, it's clean," was what Edward said about Fang's dog.

They're both in crisis. Izzy is making horrific, hurtful decisions but so is Ed. Ed has been hurt by Izzy's actions but Izzy has been hurt by Ed's as well (I'm not even talking about the toe! I'm talking about the years of relying on Izzy and having him do his dirty work, with very little thanks).

This! This! This! I also want to reiterate very strongly that we never see Edward actually tell Izzy what he wants. He says he wants to retire and he's going to kill Stede and take his place, but when he changes his mind he never actually says, "Izzy, I'mma be honest with you mate, I love Stede and I want you in my life too but I don't want to kill him, and I don't want to be Blackbeard anymore. I want a change." Or whatever way Edward would say those things.

Edward communicates with Izzy zilch, which honestly I think is probably how things have always gone. Edward half kills some guy then goes, "Oh, Izzy?" and walks off and it's up to Izzy to finish it off. One of his crew members does something? He scoffs and scowls and that means Izzy has to handle it. Izzy has had to learn to fill in all those spots that Edward can't or won't, and that's what he's doing throughout the show, but he hasn't yet been told that Edward actively wants these changes.

Hell, I'm willing to say that he thinks Edward is becoming not just something Izzy can't recognize but something Edward actively abhors. You don't tell someone to toughen up and kill their own dog because you like softies. Which begs the question of how much time Edward has spent actively trying to toughen up his crew and remove any soft sides, just to turn entirely into that soft side?

(Also, I'll be honest, I do not think that breakup robe!Edward should be his final form. He was not himself there either, and that's because he's so actively pretending that he's none of the kraken things that he was. He's almost imitating Stede, in a way, trying to hide his pain by being someone else. I imagine his final form will be someone very capable of violence, very capable of anger and being awful, but someone who also has a deeply soft side and cultivates a lot of love and trust from those around him, someone who will murder in defense of his loved ones, rather than just 'cause he can. Which, to me, is who he was when he was younger. He killed his father for hurting his mother, that's made abundantly clear, especially since we never see his father raise a hand against him.)

...they also had some tragic, traumatic back story shown on screen. Izzy didn't - do people think that means he doesn't have one? That he was just born like this, has always been like this for no reason? That isn't how humans work. Real or fictional.

Honestly yeah. I think that's likely what they think.

Which brings me right back to the fact Stede is very much an outlier. Oluwande says himself that him and Jim have no other choice. Do they think Izzy does? Who knows what his past is that led him to piracy, anger and repression at sea? Who knows what makes him so goddamn anxious about everything running Correctly?

And yes, I do read him as anxious. He hates the situation he's in because everything is wrong. Lucius won't do his job, no one does the things they need to do to run a ship, and he is actively seen as a villain in their lives by them when he tries to get them to be the crew of a pirate ship. He nearly got thrown overboard for making them work!

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!! I want them both to heal, and Stede too!! Stede has so much trauma he hasn't worked through that colors everything he does (as illustrated by the fact this middle-aged man is bogged down and smothered constantly throughout the first few episodes by memories of being what... ten?)

Not to mention that a forced arranged marriage cannot possibly be anything short of traumatic (cultural arranged marriage being very different and depending on the situation etc, I'm not talking about modern arranged marriages, I'm talking specifically about the type Stede and Mary were forced into, and even more specifically their marriage). I don't think either of them were abusive to one another, but being forced to have sex solely by society and those around you to make children? Especially if Stede is gay not bi (which I read him as; gay), that's so... awful? It's basically that both of them had to agree to their own rape, almost? It's a really complicated and horrible thing and god knows what Stede felt after having to do those things with her, especially if he knew she wasn't into it with him either.

Anyway I love your Izzy posts. Keep on keeping on. Sending this anon because I don't want my own haters haha.

Thank you so much for the message because it was GREAT and your own meta was downright excellent. If you ever feel like de-anoning, feel free to DM me! And here, have another Izzy post! lmao hope you enjoy it

#izzy hands #stede bonnet #edward teach #ofmd #ofmd meta #ask #anonymous

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ihavedoorinsurance · 2 years ago

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big long post abt bokutachi-kun bc i have worms

so. a little over a week ago, SoapOpera46 (or Yoli-chan) blessed us with this video and i would like to talk abt it at length. piece by piece. this is the true definition of sadan. so much so that it's going under a readmore (if those even matter anymore. i hear fumblr truncates posts automatically?) anyway

full disclosure: i didn't plan any of this. what's to come is basically word puke, off the top of my head, with no organisation or structure to it.

you won't be interested in this unless you're clinically insane. if you're looking for worthwhile opinions on the video, i recommend browsing the comments section. they're short, sweet, and easy to read. nnnnow, without further ado.....

I KU ZO

i'll start off saying i don't know shit about Dream (YUME-SAN as he is so graciously credited in the vid description)! not a damn thing! all i know is he's a Minecraft YouTuber, and up to just yesterday i didn't even know he made music! what seems to be very emo music if this song is anything to go by.

i looked up the lyrics seperately bc tbh i couldnt extrapolate anything from that singing. bokutachi-kun's a star talent and all bless his heart but i needed expert assistance. also according to the blurb at the bottom of the page i referenced, this song references the struggles of depression and ADHD! and myopia, most tragically of all.

here's a student copy.

what to note before we forge onwards: this is contextualised to us by Yoli-chan as a look into Bokutachi's history, saying she: "feeling it fit bokutachi-kun no past very much!!!"

i'm not sure how far in the past this is, but i have some vague ideas pinned on the information that, expressed by Episode 10, Raku and Koneko have already graduated (or dropped out of i'm not discounting that) college by the time the mainline story is in effect.

you also see these silhouettes

of what i assume to be the girls? at around 1:22, so i'm giving it anywhere from 6 to 14 years ago.

and if that seems like a wide ratio that's because it is!! i have no way of knowing what year of high school he's in, when exactly he graduated, how long it's been since then, or anything. i mean he's a fairly young man so i'll take that into account but that hardly helps

(also grant that none of the story takes off until after Raku and Koneko have left college long enough for Raku to call her fellow alumni "old" friends....also wtf what did they major in i've been asking this for years..you don't see them with jobs ever I MEAN PERHAPS KONEKO MAJORED IN NURSING THE COVID PSA DOES INDICATE SHE IS A PROFESSIONAL SO IDK)

but damn if any of that actually matters. you can't even peg the year by identifying hiis fatback monitor and Windows 98 ass OS

he is using some..EQUIVALENT of early msn messenger, maybe that puts this in the ballpark of 2000-2003

ik the Covid PSA isn't like properly canon or anything but i'll bet Raku is still using Win98 well after the OS's discontinuation anyway (it went out of service in 2006 if that helps.)

so if Bokutachi's old enough to be in any year of high school in 1998-2000 (assuming this computer is any indication. it might not be!), i'd wager a guess he's anywhere between 24-30 years old by the time NNSG properly starts (again assuming, that 2010 is the actual year the show takes place. once again, it might not be! it's at least post-Hatsune Miku, judging by the Christmas episode). this leaves room for college, but i doubt he went.

kind of what i already assumed, but it's fun trying to put these pieces together.

also can i just say i'm intrigued by the "nya, rawr" adlib in the beginning? that is Hitoshi's Thing, as we well know, but additionally, in the very beginning of the video, there is a box of pocky on the floor of the hallway.

pocky would happen to be one half of Hitoshi's favourite breakfast (plus ramune. this fuck drinks soda and eats cookies for breakfast what is wrong with him.), so i wonder if he had some knowledge of Hitoshi already this early on. we're operating on the premise that this is Bokutachi's younger self singing, right? did Hitoshi go to his school? we don't see him anywhere unlike Raku and Koneko, so idk. maybe "nya, rawr" is just a popular, cool phrase to say in Amerijapan.

potential cool thing: the one pocky stick upside down and sitting outside the box but near it might allude to Bokutachi himself. you do get the feeling he's lonely throughout the song, he's not got one close relationship with a real live person. not in school, not at home...

let's start talking about these lyrics.

I wear a mask with a smile for hours at a time Stare at the ceiling while I hold back what's on my mind And when they ask me how I'm doing I say, "I'm just fine" And when they ask me how I'm doing I say, "I'm just fine"

so i like this set of frames

you see him happily chatting away, but abrubtly he gets tense and stops himself. only after his mood swing is acknowledged does he try to perk back up and affirm to whoever's asking that he's "just fine". clearly he feels some kind of pressure to bottle up his emotions.

the facade begins to wane slightly here: despite the open ears he remains reticent. another thing: he seems to just be very guarded when he's around people. like physically!

you see him holding himself in the midst of confrontation here, earlier he'd balled up his fist because he got upset thinking about something too long... his stance in general is very tight in public, from what i can tell.

here, he's got his arms firmly placed at his sides as he turns away from whoever it was that confronted him earlier. shortly afterwards when he's sure he's not being looked at, he drops his little half smile.

in the first image of this post, again at around 1:22-1:25 you see him holding his bookbag straps and powering through the hallways the longer he continues to walk, like there's a sense of urgency there.

and here, he's around people that are likely just minding their own business but he's just. not comfortable in any way. the song mentions at this point:

"Always bein' judged by a bunch of strange faces Scared to go outside, haven't seen the light in ages"

even though it seems he's being ignored for the most part. everyone who's addressed him thus far in the song has only ever asked him if he was okay. i have to wonder if he's being gossipped about behind his back for being an outcast and is well aware of it.

"haven't seen the light in ages" strikes me as metaphorical. light as in hope. light as in a reason to keep going.

ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE MOMENT TO HIGHLIGHT THESE LYRICS

But the fact is I can never get off of my mattress And all that they can ask is "Why are you so sad, kid?" (Why are you so sad, kid?)

my guy has been in bed all day long, just awake and in bed dawn to dusk, tossing and turning unable to get to sleep. or even will himself to get up. he hasn't eaten, drank, brushed his teeth, showered, just. bed. and the first thing his (probably) legal guardian thinks to ask him when he FINALLY manages to find some strength is why he's so sad.

it'd be nice to interpret that in a compassionate way. i think best case scenario, his guardian(s) don't know how to help him and want to talk with him. approaching the subject of utter disengagement from the world is difficult when you haven't lived it, and i can't imagine mental health resources are plentiful in early 2000s Amerijapan.

but also he doesn't seem to trust his legal guardian(s)?? he's just as guarded with them as he is with strangers, look at this at around 0:56

he looks anxious trying to address either of them. the way he's looking back and forth between them it's like he's trying to get a word in edgewise but can't.

they're not particularly given identifiable features. they look fairly similar to the "strange faces" he sees judging him, except they're bigger. they cast a longer shadow and they're no comfort to him at all. helps that the lyrics accompanied are:

"And it just keeps on pilin' It's so terrifying"

which implies to me he's constantly in the habit of racking up shames in his legal guardian's eyes. like they pick at him frequently and find reasons upon reasons to scold him, and remind him of everything that's going wrong. maybe the pressure he feels to perform normalcy is derived from them, because if someone finds something "wrong" with him, they're going to pick and pick and demean him and lose faith in him. and that hits too close to home for him.

(i'm willing to bet he is/was physically punished too. like, shot in the dark, but that makes sense to me with how stiffly he walks and how clammed up you see him around ppl. i might be projecting though but hey. never said i was sure.)

I'D LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MY GUY IS JUST CHRONICALLY ONLINE TOO

morning to night, he finds himself whiling away HOURS on the computer. time spent online (on messaging clients and what have you) outweighs time spent on homework, and studying, possibly eating. anything else that might beg his attention is forgotten.

anything else that might stress him out is forgotten when he turns on the computer. he can mask (OHOHOHOHO) his struggles online because there's no burden of expectation or obligation.

there's a freedom in his anonymity, in how he can choose his company, and lie about being happy, and they'd believe him. no-one asks questions. there's no pressure. and that makes him "happy" so to speak.

i say that because only when he's messing around online do we finally see him peaceful enough to go to sleep. the fog on his brain is lifted when he turns himself into this person that's full of confidence and takes life easy. and even though he might be faking it...

Been wearin' a smile for so long, it's real So long, it's real, so long, it's real

that'll happen to you when you use another skin to cope with your own shortcomings. i'm acutely aware of this in particular. this might be what some people refer to as irony poisoning? when you do something enough times, even if it's only for show, it becomes habit, and your habits aren't you as a person, but they can certainly shape you.

i wonder if he joked about dark sshit like kidnapping people and committing felonies, etc. to try and make himself let go of the fear of being judged by others. make himself stop feeling empathy so he'd stop acting so careful, thus unchaining himself from his own thought paralysis. plenty of people do that (and some become criminals later on, go figure)

anyhow later on we have a mental breakdown from about 1:31 to 1:39 with:

But I've been places So I'm okay-ish, so I'm okay-ish Yeah, I'm okay, bitch"

coupled with what seems to be a violent start from a dream of some kind?

not sure if this dream IS or is connected to the following scenes of walking through the school hallways + out in the grass, but that would actually make a lot of sense considering "haven't seen the light in ages" compared against his internet addiction. like he found a distraction and thus has little incentive to leave. i imagine he's skipping school and holing up in his room or something.

the effects of what he's doing seem to be catching up with him. you can see him high strung when he gets out of bed, and when he answers to what's likely his guardian(s), it snaps him.

i get the impression he either woke up with all this tension, then realised he slept through the morning and made it worse, OR. the dream sharply reminded him of his current circumstances and THAT made it worse.

maybe he's spiralling because he feels powerless. to stop himself from making bad decisions, from disappointing people, from pushing people away, from underachieving, from misusing his time, from taking his life for granted, from being alone...challenging these doubts about your own agency over your life is tough when you don't know where to start and also you're a teenager.

he's clearly wracked with despair over this but can't act in his own best interest due to closing off all avenues to recovery thanks to never opening up to anyone. god the more i think about it, the more i consider "why are you so sad, kid?" to be accusatory. if you feel singled out in being honest, of course you'll try to avoid that.

also note:

But the fact is I need help, I'm failin' all my classes

damn straight.

jesus that report card. look at that thing, that is straight Fs all the way down. i mean we know he hasn't been doing his homework but god ALL F'S??? IN EVERY SUBJECT????? you'd think he wasn't going to school at all, which kind of lends itself to my idea that he's just altogether not going. or when he is there, doing literally anything else but the work. god damn. relatable

that combined with his outburst, that epic door slam?? that might be what pulls him into the doctor's office later on. like his legal guardian(s) are just sick of his shit and so they get him psychoanalysed.

A FINE ANALYSIS FROM DR. ^w^ PHD, FUCKING "NORMAL JA NAI", WHAT A GENIUS ASSESSMENT. I'M SO GLAD THEY COULD TAP INTO THE HEART OF THE ISSUE AND ADDRESS THE ROOT CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING IN A THOROUGH AND SPECIALISED MANNER. BASED

no seriously even though that shit kills me every time i see it, i like the implication that they only vaguely diagnose symptoms, write a prescription, and send him on his way. like what's really wrong with him is being overlooked by professionals because the mental health awareness just isn't there. as exemplified by:

"They think that I need glasses"

which is a lyric i laughed at but also...that's kinda true to life. you'll say to your school's counsellor, everything that sings to the tune of someone with executive dysfunction. a spectrum disorder even. and they'll be like

"hm. move em up. they cant see the board that's why they're not taking notes right. have you talked to an ophthalmologist". offering bandaid solutions for bigger issues. and speaking of bandaid solutions, DRUGS

"I just really wish that I could pass this (Wish that I could pass this)"

That's what the mask is That's what the point of the mask is"

SDGLKMFKFKLDHNFGJKNGVF I RAN OUT OF IMAGE SPACE LMAOOOO

okay so basically from 1:49-1:59 Bokutachi goes through a moment of crisis where he laments his fate of being labelled as "NORMAL JA NAI". either he doesn't like the things the medication is doing to him or he's skeptical of taking them at all. regardless those shits are going inthe TRASH. my guy is like "fuck big pharma" out here

he is not in a stable frame of mind at all throughout this video. who knows if those pills would have helped. we'll never know because he doesn't trust them. he doesn't want to think of himself as someone who needs that kind of thing.

as far as he's concerned he doesn't! he has his chat group, he has FUCKING MINESWEEPER; if he were to try and "fix" himself now, what would happen to those spaces? would he still be able to navigate them? find the same joy in them as he once did? they're all that matters to him! he's become accustomed to the isolation and this is his only reprieve (read as: escape) from a hostile environment.

(how hostile it really is, that's sort of up in the air. i'm thinking he's got the makings of a dude with some kinda cluster A disorder. ADD and autism are also on my mind, depression because of the song's origins itself, but eh. i digress.)

you can see him calm himself down once it's time to boot up the computer again at 2:00.

so it would seem, he's already given up on trying to be more than what he is right now. change is scary though, i don't blame him. especially when you feel like it's being forced on you when you didn't ask.

maybe this is him trying to regain some kind of control, but...in a decidedly unhealthy way. by sticking his head in the sand and acting like nothing's wrong. burying the idea that he needs help makes him feel less like a problem that needs to be solved and more like a well adjusted person that's just misunderstood.

at 2:09 he pulls out his planner (i refuse to believe that's a smartphone LIKE COME ON THE TIMELINE. PLEASE) and you can kind of watch his stomach churn knowing there's shit to do but his alter ego doesn't care.

his alter ego isn't concerned with that bullshit. "nah i'll have time. i'll do it later. and if i don't get it done tonight, who cares? nothing's gonna happen to me and i don't gotta answer to anybody. i'm not scared." he's developing an apathy to responsibility b/c it frustrates him he can't manage it.

i have to ask if this is where his rebuke of social acceptability took root.

you even see him at around 2:21-2:26 pull out his medical records and write "daijoubu" next to the diagnosis. which also slays me but next to "NORMAL ja nai" it kind of reads like "not being normal is okay".

that's a perfectly fine stance to have when you're just a little kooky! just a tad silly! eccentric even! i don't know if that's something you should be saying to wave away EVERYTHING that could be affecting you (and potentially others if it goes unchecked), just because it makes you uncomfortable to stare it down! that's dangerous!! particularly when you don't know your limits

i'm also kind of loving 2:28-2:32??? where he raises his head to his legal guardians and he's smiling for the first time in front of them.

but now we're well aware all his smiles are performative. he's wearing the mask for them now too.

the fake it 'til you make it policy seems to be his safety net. in order to avoid being treated and seen like a walking blemish, something to be fixed, he's slowly grown to be more comfortable acting well to do, or at least unaffected. then people leave him alone. when he's loose and devil-may-care, he's allowed to be himself. which would be fine if that were honest.

in truth, he's extremely emotional. he's sensitive. he's scared and wound up. he's angry and he's self conscious. he cannot function in the way the world wants him to, and he can't stand his own inaction in the face of his self-inflicted demise. but when that's too shameful to bear, you don't seek anyone out. imagine how much more painful it would be to have someone see you flounder. they'll poke fun. they'll judge.

it's like he sees the world telling him to be better, and his response is to create what he thinks is an objectively better person. even though at the end of the day he is still who he is.

i wonder if he starts wearing that mask permanently because at one point he'd become aware there was no running from himself. with this being his only way to reconcile his failures, it was inevitable.

we end the animation with him going to sleep and his maegami "masked" self looming over the end credits. smiling is equated with wearing a mask consistently throughout the song, so i find the image of him going to sleep with a smile on his face pretty solidly telling me that he's starting the transition into becoming the Projected Bokutachi as opposed to Plain Bokutachi.

this is the beginning of his descent into a more dangerous, yet exciting and outgoing person. he is mentally unwell and owning it. i don't know what happened between high school and the NNSG plotline (or god forbid, what happened between childhood and adolescence), but here we definitely introduce some catalysts for his face-heel turn.

and now i have even more reasons to reconsider this little rat man's true motivations and character depth.

arigatou gozaimasu Yoli-chan (੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚

#nnsg #nyan neko sugar girls #nnsgposting #bokutachi-san #no one is going to read this!! and what's more i actually highly encourage that you don't!!!!#look at this shit is longer than the Half Blood Prince #im really just rambling but like god damn you dont understand #how good it is to be validated with this #after eight years my curiosity has been rewarded #and now to go even further beyond and make even MORE fanfic #god i should show off my theory if were going this far with it right #yeah ill do that. at some point though not tonight #i need fresh brain

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