#i didn't even know until last week that
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absolutely crazy that travis had to pay well over a million usd just for his family and taylor n her family to watch him at the super bowl wtfff
#super bowl prices are fucking insane#granted it's a suite but still like paying that much#just for ur loved ones is in the words of kylie: fucking bananas#saw a tiktok of this girl who paid $23 just for a gatorade and a pepsi#like that's just stupid#one thing i hate about sports#is the inflation when big events happen#it's silly#i didn't even know until last week that#the super bowl isn't really for the fans who go week in week out#cos the tickets are that expensive like wtf#imagine watching ur team all season only to not go to the biggest game#bc it's not accessible to the normal us person
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The Kiss but it's mailee
@maileeweek day 7: free day
#maileeweek2023#atla#avatar: the last airbender#mailee#mai#ty lee#ty lee x mai#fanart#the kiss#der kuss#gustav klimt#peevesie draws#original content#id in alt text#please i didn't even know it's mailee week until after it had begun#i'd been rotating this idea for a while so i decided to draw it#i think i'm happy with this#all i know is i can't keep staring at it any longer
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I knew about the post concert depression but no one told me about the post concert constant feeling of AAAAAAAAAHHH that lasts days and makes everything much more bearable and beautiful and some sort of ethereal type of hope is restored into the world, or maybe it's just the "seeing your favourite band after first thinking that it would never happen and later spending many months waiting for it all the while fearing that it wouldn't happen after all because of circumstances outside my control or feeling like it was too beautiful and wonderful to be true so ofc it wouldn't come true" part of it all
#guys i love they might be giants. did you know about this#me days before the show: crying because i will see they might be giants#me days after the show: crying because i saw they might be giants#truth is that i didn't actually full on cry until yesterday evening though so once i was back home so it was all officially over#and it was time to just slow down and realize that oh well wow. so all that just happened. like for realsies#i also finally looked through my videos and my recording of the whole show (yes as an archivist freak who records audio from most concerts#i obviously had to record this one also. now i can listen to it again and again and be remided that i didn't dream it all up after all)#but yeah all this and now i'm supposed to move on and go back to my stupid daily life#like i didn't just have one of those real actual life experiences and moments of pure fun that other people generally get from time to time#and that i haven't had since idk even when a year and a half ago#thats the last time i consider truly amazing on a level somewhat comparable to this. but back to the show and the whole thing.#like this wouldn't have been quite as perfect if i didn't share that time with fellow fans / friends that i ended up attending the show wit#you don't realize how badly you've been wanting to be included in things and for people to be genuinely fond of you and like your company#until you get included and shown that fondness. like wow i'm allowed to have fun too after all. can it happen again someday please. anyway#i'm just glad that in midst of my big bad awful times i could have this truly amazing 10/10 time#and i guess it doesn't have to be the last such time right. even if it's easy to give into the feeling that it is#but ok anyway i'll get to that proper show recap later when i can think clearly again#and maybe more on that more personal side of it all too because well i have many more thoughts obviously#but whether i get to that in 3 days or 3 months is a mystery for now. just kind of a lot to think about once again#and my stupid baka life continues on also whether i like it or not so that has to be taken into consideration as well#time to think again about school that i'm so totally fully failing now with my two weeks long absence yayyy. its fine i'll figure it all out#goosepost
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#ok ramble time#classic this feels too intimate to share with anyone so everyone gets it#essentially last week there was a suicide on campus#he was not one of my students or in our department#I'm pretty removed from it#ans i really didn't think it affected me#but i guess it has#bc like i thought i was over#✨this✨#Like ok i have had active plans in the past#one of those this is how this is when this is where#just waiting for the final straw#but i clearly never did#and that plan would no longer work due to changes in circumstances and living arrangements etc#which is honestly probably for the best#bc i refuse to make a new one bc i know i do not want to go there#but im just TIRED and ANXIOUS#its not even the depression its the anxiety of living#i stay up until 3-4 in the morning bc i cant stand the idea of going to sleep#and i secretly hope each sleep will be my last#bc im not going to DO anything bc that would not be it#too many ppl care about me (unfortunately)#and then ive stopped eating (again)#and it's like idek if its bc i dont want to or bc i forget#its like i see myself self destructing but cant make myself stop#and I have not done anything physically stupid in quite a long time but ive started biting to stim#and i dont even know im doing it half the time it just helps#and skin picking. which none or this is the same as true s/h but it does scare me to a degree bc i dont mean to i just do it#anyway i don't expect anyone to read all of this i just had to get it out ot my head
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The verb shanks uses being also break up/divorce is sending me. I’m going to be delulu and decide it is what Oda meant. Buggy burned their wedding certificate. /joking
Btw if you ever feel need to talk about buggy just go for it, it was one of the best analysis I saw recently on this site. /genuine
Where were you hiding all those years I needed you/joking
(context for the divorce comment)
the joke usually goes that the person burning the marriage certificate thinks it's like a receipt and now their partner can't get rid of them... of course buggy knows it's much more like a product registration form, and without it shanks can't get any of the support promised in the warranty!
& thank you!! people have been so very kind in their response to my thoughts! i don't have anything new and buggy-specific to say at the moment, i'm afraid���i have fic ideas, but i think we may be at the point where i need more material to read before i can generate meta without someone prompting me—though i did just find some buggy meta that was posted not long after 1082 came out that melted my brain a little. that should be coming out of my queue in a week or so!
#as for where i was hiding… opla pulled me back in after i got tired of waiting for wano to wrap up lmao#i simply do not have the endurance to read a longrunning series like op week-by-week anymore#even volume-by-volume is a struggle… i want that complete story!#but i'd lost touch with my op friends and had no idea that wano finished up last fall…#otoh it's lucky i didn't know! i woulda caught up back then and forgotten about op until egghead finished#and i never would've been infected with the 1082 brain rot! and where would we be then?#tos answers#one piece#mm… to tag a post vaguely about the ship with the ship tag vs the urge to stop spamming the damn tag with how much i’ve been posting lately#it’s a conundrum for sure :/#aaaah fuck it#shuggy#buggy
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good news: i found a four leaf clover in my yard!
bad news: i did break a bone after all! IT HURTS!!!!
#glad i went in for a follow up#but i won't be able to get a cast before Monday or Tuesday.... :(( I'm kinda scared it's healing in the wrong spot...#it wasn't hurting that much until they straightened out my hand to put it in a temporary cast#hey. but you know what. this is ok#i needed to slow down anyway#my knee was in the middle of overuse and i kept trying to rest but didn't. I'm gonna take these next few weeks to just slooowww dowwwn#and at the end I'll be all healed. it'll be so good. I'll use my hand again and I'll run again. and until then I'll read and draw and nap#it isn't even a hairline fracture. it's like a whole piece of the bone broke off. it's unfortunate that they missed it last week :(#I'm not gonna think about this.... I'm gonna think about....a abut...paprus instead -///-
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Errant PM update of the day:
yesterday she met with a client and got revisions for their site that needed to be done for today since the client has to use this new stuff in another meeting
she did them herself instead of assigning them to the proper team (something that sounds nice but is actually a huge problem bc she spends too much time doing other people's work instead of her own, and also she's not very good at it.)
she did not communicate this with anyone. also did not immediately email the client and inform them she has done their work.
my boss, who is also involved with that account since Errant was fucking it up majorly, decides to email them, receives a reply saying "when will our revisions be done" and starts panicking after hearing the team doesn't know about them
(classic Errant move is to get a task and not assign it, so he thought it was rotting in her inbox)
Errant decides this is a great time to not reply to anyone on skype for several hours
Errant finally gets a hold of the boss, explains everything, but by now it's been so long he's royally pissed and gives her a lecture about communicating
She then complains to Lead Dev (who she thinks is her friend but actually files the most complaints to HR Boss about her lmao) about how he isn't praising her for doing WORK THAT IS NOT HER JOB ~just because~ she didn't communicate with him quickly or email the client, and how he's such a micromanager (extremely false, he's a pain sometimes but overall fairly chill) and overreacted horribly because uuggghhh why is any of this his business like she did the stuff right who caaaaares? not like he had to sideline her on this account for several weeks because she spent Literally One Hundred Hours bullying the designer (until she cried) and making her redo things for no reason, and then refused to assign the site for 3 weeks (until there was only THREE DAYS left before the due date) because she wanted specifically Lead Dev to do it (again, she thinks he's her buddy), while the client grew increasingly frustrated with the delays! noooo, it's not like she's lost the right to keep this client to herself at all!! not like over the past few months she's managed many accounts so badly they've put her on probation!
Lead Dev cannot find a way to explain to her that she's living in a really bizarre alternate dimension and like, of course everyone is upset geez, so he's just trying to ignore her. she then decided to start sending him a bunch of ig posts about bad management which he thinks is funny, because there's only one bad manager here and it ain't our boss.
#i swear if we lose wfh privileges because SHE did not answer the boss's messages for hours....#shes always mad that the boss 'interferes' with her clients and it's like girl...#if you didn't piss off both the client and your fellow team members to the point where they got the bosses involved...#if you just did your job properly...#he WOULDN'T be in your space bc he wouldn't HAVE to be#she used to complain that this was sexism but then we hired a new PM whos female and she of course does her job right so the bosses#don't 'interfere' with her and even give her special projects sometimes#so now errant just hates her and calls her an alpha bitch to lead dev....so Errant's the one whos sexist really#she does have a very weird idea of what workplace sexism is. like yesterday she was mad cause our Christmas card design...#a bunch of minimalist illustrated hands holding Christmas ornaments.... doesn't have any hands with painted nails#so none of them are 'female'. this card is literally so unisex. 3 people instantly said they thought different hands were female#THEY ARE JUST LITTLE CARTOON HANDS HOLDING STARS GEEZ#but then she has beef with every woman in the office because we're all alpha bitches or we don't bow and scrape to her or we don't like#use enough exclamations or emojis in skype....#anyway sometimes Lead Dev and i try to unravel the layers of her lies and evasion tactics and we give up.#she is as the children say totally delulu#and like. listen this is a male dominated workspace. there are Sexism Microaggressions for sure#i would still love yo sit my boss at gunpoint and make him explain why he suddenly started telling everyone i didn't know jquery#for a few weeks last year until i corrected him (at the time he said 'oh i didn't realize you all knew that' IT WAS IN THE JOB POSTING!)#cause like. the real reason is i asked for help with some jquery once and therefore i must not know ANY....#ANYWAY. like its a male dominated business. there's going to be bullshit. its just that she fabricates her own bizarre bullshit#or uses sexism as an excuse to herself for why shes always in trouble...so you can't like. TALK to her about it#its so annoying#SORRY FOR THE MULTIPLE RANTS I WAS TRYING SO HARD TO NOT RANT BUT THE RANT MUST BE RANTED
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okay i'm out of evil mode. peace love and a little bit of still-tired on planet earth lol 🧃
#just me hi#slept ! ! ! was it good? hell nah kfshvg#but i slept :D#wasn't allowed to go to bed for a couple hours cuz parents wanted to play a movie. it was good but it put me in a weird headspace lmsfh#//ooou my ear's doing the Thing#you know the thing. the thing it does. loll#ever since that ant was in there that one time (dear lird) when i wake up from laying on it it'll feel like. a bit inflamed on the inside ?#and kinda itchy. not good things but it's likely not going to kill me so 💥💥#'it's likely not going to kill me' <- things i likely said while pretending i couldn't see anything for like 3-4 years#oh but yea i'm going to assume it's nothing bc i was also getting phantom feelings and sounds for some weeks that caused panic so i'm not#even going to put weight on it. it's just itchy no biggy Kfshvhf :)#//anyway i think i also had a dream but i do Not remember those well At All lol#i know the last one had oath in it though so that one was cool. don't remember much else but that was sick Lmfsh :3#//Ohh it's rainingggg yippeeee :D <3#don't get much snow but we'll get tons of rain... i miss you michigannnnn <//3#//but anyway the dream thing just reminded me#so this detail may not be important but my oldest brother and i are joked to be twins. there's 2 years and at least a foot of height betwee#us (i am the short). people get our voices mixed up when we talk low and i think that's funny#we were also thick as thieves as kids. not a good thing for anybody else but Yeagh kfshvg#but there was this one time we'd both woken up and were talking abt both having had a dream the night before; giving details and such#and we had the same dream ? it's still kinda odd to this day but we had the Same Exact Dream on the same night. if not odd it's neat! :3#anyway so somewhere in the past year my brother (apollo) got a lunar on his right index finger#i kept forgetting tho and asking if it was a blood bruise (that is my bad boss ✋) and eventually the info stuck in my head#anyway so somewhere in the past two months i also got a lunar on my right index finger. i didn't even notice it until i was tryna wash my#hands and it wouldn't come off lmaoo#now that's going on ig. the timeline-clone theory grows stronger every day Kfhsvhfgsfg#//forgot what else i was going to say i went to go look into the phrase 'thick as thieves' lol#i don't understand how someone heard 'thick' and thought 'yeah. that means close now' kfshd#anyway it's old as you've prolly guessed. the earliest spot it's popped up was a newspaper that printed a letter that was written in 1827#but it mighta been used earlier than that. neat!
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nothing like lukewarm domino's pizza to make you feel appreciated as an employee
had to go to a 'mandatory all hands meeting' at work which turned out to be team building in disguise. I ABHOR team building. I do not want to socialize with the other departments. I make 14 dollars an hour to watch the occasional kid, and I'm only doing that because I need to pay my credit card bill or they will turn it off and if that wasn't bad enough on it's own, I walked rather than driving (mostly so I could hit my pen on the way and arrive to this bullshit with a buzz) and by the time I arrived, hungry because they promised pizza, I was having Thee worst pots flare up and I couldn't even LEAVE because I needed the salt and the calories to calm the pots flare so I COULD walk home like i straight up couldn't stand for more than like thirty seconds before I had to sit down or fall down.
also!! because it was all hands!! everyone gets paid for it BUT at their default rate which means the fucking directors and instructors that make much much more than my measly 14 an hour get paid their base rate for the exact same waste of time like damn for $21 bucks and a couple slices of pizza I could have stayed home and posted some titty pics on reddit. AND ALSO they're gonna be doing these motherfuckers regularly and we're obligated to go to two a year like I switched to childcare so I WOULDN'T have to work outside my assigned hours like I'm trying to stay under 20 hours so the government will give me some money for my slow blood like kjshdfkjghfkjhg SCREAMS
#and yes the pots flare IS because I hiked up a mountain a week after having covid#but that is my RIGHT#work functions are literally the LAST of my priorities idgaf#like I'll call out for ANYTHING#like I'm chronically ill you're lucky I show up ever#i don't want to talk to the other departments idc what fitness is doing#and the thing is. there are a lot of cool people that work at the rec center#but I DO NOT APPRECIATE BEING FUCKING TRICKED INTO SOCIALIZING#they bait and switched me#like I didn't even know it was all hands until I got there I thought it was just childcare#anyway kill capitalism
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talking to new people again is making me realize that (this is gonna sound dramatic) i haven't lived in five years but what i have done is watch a lot of movies and read a bunch of books and believe it or not that actually makes me an interesting conversationalist in some ways (?)
#and like i say: brf slt#they don't know i'm crazy and as long as you're normal about it having seen a lot of movies just makes you come off as someone who's like#interested in culture i guess. which i am. but it's fun#and the books thing too and also knowing a lot about sociology#i have things to say jokes to make so in two months they haven't even realized i haven't lived a life yet🙏#i didn't even do it on purpose the way it happened is in 2019 i was very depressed suicidal etc then i got better but i was focused on#like...idk. basically getting used to being okay with being alive again? then it was 2020 and we didn't have classes in person full time#until september 2021. that's how it was for university students here. i did hang out with people but no one i LOVED or actually became#close with and it's true that i could have tried harder but i didn't because guys i love being by myself😭😭😭#then three years went by and now we're here. it's fine it's just that i don't have a lot of anecdotes that aren't old because LITERALLY#nothing has happened to me. nothing#that's not true i did talk about something semi-recent to my bff on friday it was about my 'friends' who hated on everyone the same way i#did when i was literally 12 and about how anxiety inducing it was because after a while i was like is this how they talk about me when i'm#not around🤨 i actually talked about that then. january or february 2023#this has been in my drafts for a week and i talked about the post i talk about in that last tag last week when i talked about my mutual who#blocked me that's the post she replied to to give me advice😔#also it's funny i said they don't know i'm crazy and a guy asked me what my favorite tv shows were and i don't know why i actually gave him#my full list like it's funny because like i said they think i like like good movies and good television and interesting books and stuff#and i know the shows i told him made him reassess that (which is fine but it's just funny) and also i told him i'm watching gilmore girls#for the 18th time and he was like you're joking i was like hm...and then he was like no you're being serious because it's way too#precise...and THAT i could have not told him. i was like whyyy did i tell him that...but it's fine#HE HADN'T EVEN HEARD OF SUCCESSION? 34-year-olds...#i mentioned the sopranos a couple weeks ago and my future bff was like what is that and i was like ? then i asked two more people and they#didn't know the show either so i was like i'll ask him (34-year-old) i know he'll know the sopranos and he was like OBVIOUSLY i know#the sopranos it's supposed to be one of the best shows of all time and later i asked if he had seen succession and he'd never even heard of#it? crazy. i mean if it had been anyone else i wouldn't have thought it was crazy but i expected HIM to know succession
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sorry the funniest thing about hockey is that they really make these guys play in. des moines. st paul. loser ass sports cities.
#i can say this bc i have at various points in my life driven to both of these places once a week.#i mean i like st paul and i have gone to st paul sts games etc and tbh i like dsm too but it's soooo funny to me#dude living their professional sporting dream. lives in st paul. dude gets drafted to an nhl team. moves to DES MOINES#or rockford#god i don't even like Rockford but they have a banger off-season robotics comp#i can't even bear to go look at the full list of where these teams are.#mke is cool tho even tho i literally didn't know mke had a hockey team until like. last month#do u guys hate me i have strong opinions on Midwest geography. i can't believe im going to Boston for 6mo#im going to be eaten alive and then maybe move out west for one more winter OR im moving to the tc and getting a real job#hock.txt#'to the tc' I need to be an hour away or im killing myself#i worry these posts Will let u find out where I'm from but then i remember i post about it occasionally lol. if u know u know.#ALL THIS cuz i saw a pic of big dew and i was like wow he could have been one of the average-cute boys at my hs#So instead of making a mean post. I made this one.
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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Still normal don’t even worry about it (Patreon)
#Doodles#ADHD#I was Very nice to my fixation - when it was fixated on the thing I wanted it to be lol#Honestly I wasn't even that mean about the two (2!!) other things it wanted to brain-focus on#Mad about it but in that dopamine way lol#''Can we please get dopamine from this thing and not those other things? Please'' ''Lol''#That is not an answer!#It is honestly still really interesting data :0#I've still never successfully forced a fixation but this is at least the second time I've continued a falling fixation#I wonder what the through-line is hahaha <knows the through-line#I was actually very resistant to fixating on the other things because my pride got in the way again lol#To the point where I didn't even write them down until recently pffft yeah that's how that works#''If I don't write them down then they don't count'' Uh Huh#Even if there are Some similarities to the last time I forcefully refixated there are still enough differences to make for interesting data#Like how the last time I had three in conflict did Not go well it was very rough on my brain - but this time was nice :D#Probably helps that the two-pair were kinda-sort from the same source so really I guess it Could be argued that it was just two in conflict#But I'm not counting it that way and since it's my brain and I make the rules that's what matters lol#The next set is one of the fixations you all saw the TV Guide for this week it's fine lol#The other - it's another video game but hmmm I might see about making fanart if/when I actually get to play it myself#It's very silly so I'm gonna hold onto it for a bit longer haha
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i started all of these games at wildly different times, took varying levels of breaks partway through each of them, and then finished all of their achievements in the same two days
i don't know what to do with myself now
#buenos dias short people#tunic was like. i played to maybe halfway. took a months long break#when i picked it back up i didnt remember what i was doing so i started a new file and played like a third#months long break. but this time i resumed the second file and played through to the end#the game is very cryptic but starting over gave me a handle on the mechanics and what was important#outer wilds took like four tries even though i knew it would be good i just wasnt hooked#the game is about knowledge even more than tunic like knowledge is the whole deal and it comes slowly at first#but when it hit it really hit. god damn#please play outer wilds#spyro? um. it was good#i don't know that i took any big breaks from it? there were some but a couple weeks at most#spyro levels are not particularly complex. or content rich. and i really felt that 60 hours#playing the whole trilogy all back to back can really burn you out#its a collectathon you're bound to spend a good while just wandering around to find that one last thing you missed#and i didn't know i could left stick for sparx to point out the nearest gems until like halfway through 2 so that was a time waster#im not saying it wasn't a good game but spyros moveset is like. glide fire charge and you do this for three games#until they throw in random nonspyro playable characters in 3 and they all control really bad and weird. but its still mostly spyro#i could have taken big breaks between each game and it would've been better probably but its a collection im gonna roll to the next one
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tried being less on social media but ended up just replacing my tumblr screentime with watching the Muppet Show (1976) instead.
#I have had near 0 contact w the muppets in my life fun fact#despite the everything about me I didn't even know that their deal was that they're colleagues. until last week#I just assumed they all just knew each other because they're all puppets#vitpost
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