#i did this in less than 6 hours i think im very proud of myself

[princess--bongwater]

I loathed to be loved but it gave me life ♡ Gonna be a smitten mitten til the day you die~?

[chronologicalhomestuck]

karkat pov liveblog: part 6 (A5A2, part 1)

having recently had victory torn from his fingertips, karkat reacts to the loss of the prize. through a memo, of course.

FCG: HEY PAST ME, GO HAVE A BLAST KILLING THE KING, I'M SURE IT WILL BE AWESOME. FCG: IN FACT, IT WAS AWESOME. BANG UP JOB WITH THAT, DUDE! FCG: TOO BAD IT WAS ALL A HUGE WASTE OF TIME. FCG: OH, WHAT'S THAT, PASTHOLE? YOU DIDN'T READ THIS AND FIGURE THAT OUT AHEAD OF TIME?

he is very understandably upset but damn.

FCG: I'VE GOT TO PULL IT TOGETHER. FCG: THINK BACK TO WHAT WE MIGHT HAVE DONE WRONG. FCG: BUT THE THING IS FCG: AS MUCH AS OUR PAST SELVES ARE A BUNCH OF STUBBORN UNLISTENING ASSHOLES FCG: I CAN'T EVEN REALLY IDENTIFY ANY MISTAKES WE MADE. FCG: IT WAS ALL PRETTY MUCH LIKE CLOCKWORK. FCG: A 600 HOUR CAMPAIGN TO COMPLETE A GAME LIKE THIS IS PRETTY GOOD IF YOU ASK ME. FCG: AND I HAVE ASKED ME. FCG: IT TURNS OUT ME AGREES. FCG: I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING SOMEONE ELSE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. FCG: IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN OUR SESSION.

he says sollux is attempting to trace the source of the attack.

FCG: HE SAYS HE'S WORKING ON TRACING THE ORIGIN OF THIS DISASTER. FCG: IF I FIND OUT WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FCG: I WILL FCG: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW. FCG: WASTE OF GOOD FRESH RAGE. FCG: I'M A LITTLE TIRED OF ALL THE OLD THINGS I'VE BEEN ANGRY ABOUT. FCG: IT'S GOTTEN SO STALE. FCG: IN A WEIRD WAY I'M SORT OF LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING SOMETHING NEW TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT. FCG: IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR NOW ANYWAY.

oh karkat :(

that and this next bit are, as they say, hitting me in the feels

FCG: WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO FOR THE LAST HOLIDAY? FCG: ANYONE? FCG: I REMEMBER MY LUSUS HAD BEEN GONE FOR DAYS AND I WAS STARTING TO GET WORRIED. FCG: BUT THEN HE FINALLY RETURNED, TRIUMPHANT. FCG: HE BROUGHT THE FRESH BEHEMOTH LEAVING INTO OUR HIVE, AND TOGETHER WE DECORATED IT. FCG: AND FCG: I DUNNO FCG: THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY, I'M GETTING A LUMP IN MY SQUAWK BLISTER. FCG: I GUESS I'M DONE. FCG: I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW FCG: ON THE STEEL FLOOR OF THIS FRIGID METEOR DRIFTING THROUGH THE BLACK UNCARING VOID OF OUR NULL SESSION. FCG: NULL, KIND OF LIKE THIS MEMO I GUESS.

so from this timeline pov, we now know theyre on the meteor.

FCG: HONESTLY THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN A BLUR TO ME, JUST NON STOP YELLING AT MYSELF, HAGGLING WITH PAST AND FUTURE KNUCKLEHEADS, KILLING MONSTERS AND SOLVING PUZZLES, CYCLING THROUGH ALL THE GATES AND PLANETS LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES, ZIGZAGGING DOWN TO THE BATTLEFIELD, OUT TO THE VEIL, OVER TO PROSPIT, BACK TO DERSE, AND ON AND ON AND ON LIKE THAT UNTIL WE THOUGHT WE WON. FCG: BUT WE DIDN'T WIN. WE LOST.

gee, maybe theyd be less of a blur if you had actually slept during that time.

CGA: I Have No Idea What Im Doing Here FCG: SURE YOU DO. FCG: OR, YOU WILL. TRUST ME YOU'LL DO FINE.

what gets me about this: karkat helped kanaya with her frog breeding (while simultaneously carrying out regisurp, i guess?). he knows she creates a frog successfully. of course she will do fine! but he doesnt yet know that the frog they created is the source of all their issues. in fact, he is surprisingly positive here considering his situation. i guess he at least is still proud of how their session went before their victory was stolen.

FCG: AND THEN WE PROVE TO THE INVISIBLE RIDDLER THAT IS FATHER TIME BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS WE ALL ARE.

karkat's reference to an invisible riddler brings to mind...oh right, i shouldnt know this yet because. wait nvm ok i guess earth does exist at this point actually so its ok! heres an excerpt of page 82.

The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.

since this liveblog is less of a "haha im reacting chronologically" and more of a project to reflect on what we already know and what this perspective reveals, im gonna talk about this in a bit more detail.

karkat refers to "the invisible riddler that is father time" and john refers to "an unseen riddler" as a sort of...curse, almost, upon his life. this figure has some interesting implications. i would almost compare them to lord english, given the way karkat connects him to the concept of time and how the monologue from john's title page seems to bear thematic similarities to lord english's schemes and presence over the narrative.

back on topic, though!

FCG: JUST BE PATIENT, THE ANSWER WILL COME TO YOU SOMEHOW. CGA: I Guess You Would Know FCG: YEAH, REALLY THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. FCG: AT LEAST AS FAR AS THE DETAILS OF THE ADVENTURE GO. FCG: WE WERE ALL PRETTY AWESOME AT THIS GAME. FCG: REALLY AWESOME IN FACT. FCG: UNTIL A LITTLE WHILE AGO. FCG: WHEN IT TURNED OUT WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY ALL THAT AWESOME. FCG: TURNS OUT WE WERE PRETTY FUCKING UNAWESOME ALL ALONG.

i think its interesting how much more positive karkat is when talking to his friends than when beating himself up for his failure. his grumpy demeanor isnt as directed at others as it is at himself. like compare what karkat says to kanaya here to some of the things he said near the top of this post. he does spin back around to beating himself up more, but he is really reassuring and gentle (in karkat terms) to her

CGA: Say Hi To Me For Myself FCG: OK I PROBABLY WON'T DO THAT, BUT ALRIGHT HA HA. FCG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE ANYWAY? CGA: You Mean Future Me FCG: YEAH.

surely shes being totally normal

FCG: YOU'RE MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR CHAINSAW. FCG: WHILE TAVROS IS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR.

hmmm.

FCG: OH GOD. FCG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????

splorsh.

the eeper (as seen by terezi)...

and i will move onto a new post as i return to jade: enter

[stoicalkartoffelglerbistan]

Things I’ve done in my life

I had a weird political activism phase when I was 12 and 13 . I’m about to turn 16 and feel frustrated with what Im doing right now cos I had thought I would do great things and that 16 was the middle of the beginning but I never tried. I just lived in my head. But I guess I just wanted to list  cool things I’ve done .

1. I had a weird Youtube channel where I would post video essays stylised as voiceovers aka me rambling while it would record me playing Stardew valley and Minecraft and no one knew about it 

2. I started making and publishing music at 13 and it kinda sucks but Im glad its out there

3. I won a speech competition for a speech I wrote in 3 minutes the night before I had to present it

4. I learnt how to code to learn how to create a programme that would find the appropriate colours for my synaesthesic experience of Sit Next to Me by Foster the People , trying to understand what a CNN is.

5. When I was 8 I recorded dialogues between me and some characters I made that a lot of people liked and I cherish that. 

6. When I was 12 I had this science competition I could've won If I actually studied for it again but I remember being the only person who got into both series of contest’s finales so I like that too 

7. I read a lot of philosophy and had an entire blog dedicated to Spinoza on Medium  

8. I made a mini solar panel and Solar Parker Probe model , I soldered the line sensor and microcomputer chip by myself and recycled old medical supplies to make the model .

9. I did a Kabuki inspired screenplay with my mom 

9. I once tried to make my own instrument using hollowed wood and a vibration motor from my old electricity kit and a rusted nail . It was not tuned at all.

10. I’ve had 2 essay blogs and 1 photography blog that I’ve deleted and then republished. 

11. I dont really try to do stuff so I’ve had opportunities pass by and when I could've achieved something Id rather not cos its hard for me to start ( I may have ADHD ) , but I did experiments related to how to attract more bees to come to our neighbourhood using hive samples and im pretty proud of that and im trying  to present it at school

12. I did a mini album with a friend

13. I made my own language up and spent hours on syntax back in 2015. 

14. I wrote something called the Potato Manifesto that is canonically penned by an ancient electromagnetic spider sea slug made of monoclinic opal   called Karl Marx Kondratiev Taqi Ghalib

15. I broke two thermometers and took out the mercury and ‘cleaned’ it and in a heinz bean can and made 2 mercury based light bulbs. One for my dog to wear on her collar and another for my cat ( I disposed of them shortly thereafter)

16. I translated Repeat Stuff by Bo Burnham into Urdu as best as I could 

17. Once wandered off to explore with my dog at midnight to check out a wasp hive I wanted to noted down info on , my dog ran away  and chased her down in an alleyway which was illuminated by her mercury lightbulb ( rip lightbulb)

18. Got a microscope and now I sometimes work at a lab and collect stuff and process it there

19. Started a weird journey of self reflection and missed Tumblr so I’ve signed up with a new account cos the people are so cool here

20. Sold compost for a while and earned the US equivalent of 3 dollars. 

21. Did an environmental awareness thing once at school and people began helping me and this one girl stopped buying palm oil based stuff at the cafeteria with me . My aunt also became more eco friendly so thats really nice. 

22. Did an entire presentation on how the major plot hole in all of the Star Trek series is how the entire federation follows only human systems of practically everything  ( how do they have clicks in space ? does this mean they found the centre of the universe, why does everyone follow GMT?) 

23. Missed my old Tumblr days and came back with a new account  to check up on  bootydiaries ( this is objectively cool)

24. I made rugs by weaving 

24. once ran out of brushes for splattering so i used old leaves and petals and made art using my spinning Minecraft hammer and a pack of pasta and pepsi cans 

24. when I was 11 I did fungus art by growing spores using an old chemistry kit and tested it with a slightly younger kit 

24. made a Minecraft hammer with a kid’s electric kit DC motor, old styrofoam packaging and an old wooden stick that was a part of a hut ,

24. i used to storyboard as a kid and remember making animals on paper with my older sister and we sold the cards  

25. I saved a hawk

25. once wandered around on a trip  and met a shaman for less than 5 minutes but that was cool

25. Learnt Im still very privileged and need to do something about it

26 (۲۶). I cherish my cat and my plant and a tardigrade i once saw on the microscope  and a cute macrophage chasing  a pesky e.coli on the microscope  and hugs and mi dog

26 (۲۶). love thy parents 

26 (۲۶). love thy siblings 

26 (۲۶). love grumpy old people who care about u and teach u stuff

26 (۲۶). started to actually CHERISH my friends, cos they deserve all the love

26 (۲۶). for the first time i had a crush ( which i didn't think possible) on this guy at robocamp who was the only one taller than me ( i was mad about that) who used to call loud boys that interrupted girls presentations “toxic” and asked me about my interests and had the cutest eye crinkle. ( i was too nervous  to ask about  his contact but I hope to see him again, also never saw his face we wore masks throughout so that was weird )

27. I  had a neoplatonist phase

27. realised im not that special and its ok to do stuff at your own pace and be an amateur 

28. I dont know what to say so once again *hugs*

[mavspeed]

First Line Meme

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line, then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

Hey @applesfallingfromblondehair, thanks for the tag love!! likewise i dont usually do this but this feels interesting so lets see if my ass has improved over the last few stories lmfkjgjk

also this will prob be a mix of xmcu fic + kingsman fic bc i think i have a more or less equal number of fics written for both

1.

The first time Charles meets Lucifer Morningstar, actual devil from hell, ruler of the underworld, fallen son of the lord above and god knows what else, it had been after Erik had been sentenced to life imprisonment in the highest security cell in the Pentagon. 

- this is from a professor and a devil walk into a bar, which is kinda a crossover rarepair fic that rose out of me and mutuals on twitter discussing tom ellis and james mcavoy being roommates and kinda... devolved from there. i am proud of this one lmfnjgkj

2.

“Are you okay, Professor?” Hank asks quietly.

Charles blinks. He supposes it’s a valid question. He’s been in a bit of a funk the past few days- scratch that actually, the past few years. He’s just lost so much- his father, and then his mother’s love, and then Raven and Erik and Sean and countless others. Building a school, gaining students he loved to teach and nurture hadn’t helped him in the slightest, and he’s as lost as he ever was, wandering the halls of a drafty mansion alone, feeling like he’s been stranded at sea even whilst surrounded by people.

- from in the belly of the beast, which again came out of me wondering what would have happened if fox had gone w their original plan and charles had been that last horseman instead of erik. this story will prob gain a sequel... sometime in the near future when im not too bogged down by current wips

3. 

The Xavier family hall of the deceased- because of course they’re weird enough to have a cemetery- is full of rows upon rows of holograms. Charles is four and gets bored of his father crying over his mother’s hologram, so he toddles over to the other rows. Unfamiliar names, all of them- Charles is young, and he doesn’t understand death. He doesn’t even know who his mother is, who’d died at childbirth and left him with a father still at a loss when it came to bringing up a kid.

- from tequila on a spaceship, the sequel to a fic that still has some people angry at me i think. this fic never did gain as much traction as the first one but im still proud of it esp since it discusses certain themes of reincarnation that ive always wanted to see explored for myself in reincarnation aus (and i only ever saw it in danveresque’s reincarnation au)

4.

There are cork boards covering every inch of the wall. Red strings, photographs, conspiracy threads, everything. Raven takes it in, swallowing, noticing the picture in the middle.

It’s one of Charles, when he’d been in university. His final year- he'd just been done presenting his year- end project, his fringe a tumbled mess and a bright smile on his lips. Erik had taken the picture, Charles scurrying to his side once he’d been done and demanding to look at the image, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. He looks like how Raven had always imagined him to be.

“He wouldn’t want this,” she finally says, turning to look at Erik.

- from tequila on a beach, the first fic to the fic above. this fic is v special to me because i actually wrote this on a spiral after having a very tough visit with one of my parents in the hospital after a surgery for organ removal to prevent the onset of cancer. its simpler than my other fics yet i think more powerful because of what happens. also i think the first time i killed charles off lol (spoiler alert). also idk if ppl were aware of this but this is called tequila on a beach precisely bc charles and erik were tipsy from tequila at a frat party and then went to a beach. its the way they first met (and will continue to meet for all their next lives)

5. 

Erik doesn’t know how it all started. Maybe it was when his insane sergeant had started rambling about imaginary cities, treasures of gold and cursed incantations. Maybe it was when trickles of rumours had started pouring down about the higher ups wanting to investigate unfound territory, disregard the Egyptian government’s feelings on the matter, and put a previously unfound myth on the map for all the world to see. Or maybe, Erik thinks, it was when archaeologist Klaus Schmidt put a bullet through his mother’s head and he ended up going to America armed with dual citizenship and the sole intent of wanting to drive a coin directly between Schmidt’s eyes, joining a division of the American military focused solely on guarding archaeological digs- more importantly, in Egypt, where Schmidt’s interest had shifted.

- from courting the end of the world, another one i’m just insanely proud of! this is the first time i’ve ever attempted a multichapter movie au and it actually managed to work pretty well, i at least haven’t run out of inspiration for it yet lmfjgjg. also erik as himbo rick connell... very rent free in my head

6. 

The day after they murder Shaw and leave his house of horrors, Erik crosses the Canadian border with Charles across his back. Charles had started getting tired while they’d been walking, stumbling and nearly tripping until Erik had forced him to get on his back, ignoring Charles’ protests.

The blood’s seeping out steadily from Charles’ nose, staining his shirt and soaking it through. It’s been leaking on and off, and the effects are already obvious in the dark circles beneath Charles’ eyes. Any more, and Erik knows they’ll have to find him a doctor. He hopes the nearest town in Canada has one that would be willing to treat them.

- from a world built for two. i actually dk where the inspiration for this came from, i think i was once again on a depressive spiral and wanted to break my comfort characters into pieces and put them together again. this also deals with codependency and unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result of trauma which i showed as sweet in the fic but i would def not recommend in real life. pls if u relate to either charles or erik in this go see a therapist

7. 

The call comes in the afternoon, an hour before Charles is supposed to teach his Intro to Genetics class. Frowning, Charles abandons the game of Candy Crush he’d admittedly been playing rather badly and picks it up. “Charles sp-”

“We need you, Prof,” Kitty says desperately into the phone. “He’s been in a temper all morning, and then Alex’s reports missed out a whole subsection, so he’s fired the entire marketing team! Please, Professor, you have to come immediately!”

- from and we can be pirates. i wrote this in like 4 seconds for my friend who wanted professor charles and ceo erik and actually did not expect this to gain the attention it did... its always the fics u write in like 4 seconds lmfjggj. a sequel for this Is coming too probably at some point in the very far future

8. 

Charles Xavier can admit as he sits across from Essex, hands cuffed to the desk, that in hindsight, this had perhaps not been one of his better ideas.

He refuses to admit it as he controls Erik’s mind, preventing him from lashing out and making him close his eyes to the nightmare unfolding in front of him. He refuses to admit it as he gets shoved into the back of a black pickup truck, and the butt of a gun is smashed across his forehead hard enough to knock him out cold for a few hours. He refuses to admit it when he wakes up what appears to be hours later in a cold interrogation room, hands cuffed to the table in front of him, with a suppression collar rendering his mind dark and almost achingly silent.

- from from the land of gods (bring me home). i’ve been struggling w this fic a lot (it didnt come as easily to me as the first one did) but its getting there. also i put charles through hell in this rip sorry mister xavier

9.

In the aftermath, both of them stand at the border of the mansion. The air feels frigid, slicing into Raven’s lungs like a thousand paper cuts. “Charles, please,” she begs, heart in her throat and voice hoarse. “He wouldn’t want you to be like this. He wouldn’t want you to do this. It’s not too late, you can come back.”

Charles gazes back, a brick wall. He hasn’t even cleaned up, still in that damnable yellow and blue suit with blood drying in the corners of his mouth, the bridge of his nose. There’s nothing in his eyes- blank, almost see through. He looks as if he’s a mere shade, a ghost lounging about where he once was. Raven knows better.

“I will raze the world to the ground,” he finally says, his voice free of any inflection, “and when I’m done, no one will be left standing. Not you, and certainly not me.”

- from where all the poets went to die, a dark fic based on what would have happened if moira had killed erik with the bullets. its the first time ive written dark charles and it was v fun if im being honest

10. 

Charles is a light sleeper. It’s a trait that stays with him- all the way from his father and the tests to taking care of his mother to Cain Marko and his fists to Cuba and then now, the dust of Washington settling over him and making the waking world lie an inch beyond his eyelids. It therefore stands to reason that the second the windowsill creaks he’s up in a shot, hoisting himself up and lashing out with his telepathy instantly.

That’s not a trait that had stayed with him. That’s a newly formed trait, bitter and bold, carved into existence by Cuba by his students disappearing one by one in Vietnam by the letters that announce Sean’s death in black unfriendly print by-

The tendrils of his telepathy forged cold and distant meet a barrier and recoil, stunned. He focuses his eyes and then widens them, staring at Erik who stares back, hidden beneath that infernal muddied magenta helmet of his. They stare at each other for a moment before Erik clears his throat.

- from in the valley of kings (you will come home). my first ever cherik fic! im actually also proud of this one even if i ended it horribly and half my mutuals refuse to read it bc of how it ended LMFJGJGJ. i cant believe this was supposed to be a funny and cute kid fic and then i turned it into an angst ridden mess. also leo is actually an oc whose adult version is fancasted as charlie rowe by me and another mutual on twitter and im v proud that readers are willing to die for the baby

11. 

Mike has to google it, finding a crafts shop nestled into the corner of the street right smack in the middle of Louisiana, past a long and winding dirt road and the crumbling farmhouses relics of a time long past. The air is hot, humid, sticking to the back of his neck like an unwieldy parasite as he pushes the door of the shop open to the sound of the bell tinkling above.

He finds the origami paper quickly enough and has a momentary breakdown about what Bill’s favourite colour even is- he had never thought to ask him. Twenty seven years of following every single footstep of his like a dedicated, most definitely creepy stalker, three months of more than a few states traversed with Bill’s laughter now echoing in his ears like a shadow that trails after him, and this is what stumps him. It takes ten minutes, but he finally settles on light green.

- my first and last entry into the IT fandom bc i love these two but to be very fair there isn’t much content out there for him (and twitter content actually intimidates me lmfjgjjg) a thousand paper cranes never got much traction either but i suspect its bc i was horrible at promoting it. also i very much love this fic even if it never did that well bc ive always wanted to write a fic like this after watching the movie in cinemas in 2019

12.

ok nsfw i guess 

Mornings start like this- Eggsy snuffling into David’s neck, attempting to work his way back up to wakefulness as David sleeps the sleep of the dead, the streams of morning sunlight gradually lightening up the room. It’s a while before he gets the energy to sit up, pushing an eager V off the bed- V for Vendetta, a kitten named after one of David’s favourite movies that they’d adopted about a month after moving in together- before stumbling to the loo. He’s already in the shower when David comes in, naked as the day he’s born with his arms entwining themselves around Eggsy’s waist as he murmurs a sleep-soft, “Good morning, love,” as he presses a kiss into the two-days-old hickey on Eggsy’s shoulder. His breath smells of toothpaste, the minty fresh kind he insists on buying from Target no matter how much Eggsy insists that the other brand is much better. Without fail, Eggsy always has a split second thought of thinking that he must truly be in heaven because no way can this be his reality, every single day, before sinking to his knees and allowing David’s cock to hit the back of his throat.

- from that’s the kind of love i’ve been dreaming of. i genuinely wish i had an opinion for this but i don’t remember writing this its been way too long

13. 

The first time Eggsy sees her is in Trafalgar Square.

Trafalgar Square is uncomfortably packed on any normal day, but on New Year’s it is quite the hothouse. Sweating armpits and hot bodies plastered against each other, the twinkling lights overhead providing a flash of blue and green and yellow and red, screaming children and giggling teenagers shoving their way through- it’s a recipe for disaster. Eggsy doesn’t know how he ends up there. It happens sometimes- one second he blinks, sequestered in the comfort of his living room, and the next he’s somewhere else, as if he’s been teleported. “Life goes past you,” Tilde had said once, “and you don’t even notice.” Tilde would be right.

- this is a roxy and eggsy friendship centric fic that i abandoned bc i lost my ardor for this world about the same time i got into xmen lmfjgjg. all the king’s horses also had some great fancasts in it with dev patel fancasted too... rip ig

14. 

once again, nsfw

Eggsy, truth be told, doesn’t actually like having sex in bathrooms. First of all, bathrooms generally have an unsanitary air about them. Besides that, the granite of the sinks always feel cold against his hips, there is the ever present fear of being walked in on and unlike what people might say, he actually really isn’t that much of an exhibitionist- and truth be told, he’s never liked the look of himself in the mirror mid coitus.

For David Budd, however, he suspects he might be up for anything.

- from do you ever dream of me. im actually proud of this fic and this series, i never usually write straight up porn or friends w benefits and i think it worked well in here. once again didnt get much traction but that was very of the norm for my kingsman fics lmfjgj

15.

It is on his fifth meeting with the therapist on site that she brings the issue up. The elephant in the room- or the bomb , David thinks morbidly. If asked, he can’t remember specifics about that day now. All he remembers is this- the burn of Julia’s picture in his wallet against his thigh, the Botticelli painting on the far wall and Miss Paulson’s face, severe and unsmiling.

“When you couldn’t reach Julia,” she says, after he finishes describing the feeling of running to Julia, the panic searing his chest as he’d prayed for his legs to work faster so he could do something, anything to reach her hand. “How did that make you feel?”

- from your haunted social scene. i genuinely... do not remember anything about this either helpfkjgjg,,, this has 55 comments tho which. Nice

16.

David brings her home on- in a move far too cliche for it to be reality- a stormy night. It’s in fact storming so hard the windowpanes shudder like leaves in the wind, droplets crashing against the glass in a cacophony so loud Eggsy more than once considers turning the radio all the way up to drown it out. He’d gone scrounging for David’s sweatshirts instead of his own halfway through, wincing intermittently at the flashes of thunder. At a particularly loud one JB had jumped up, squeaked in a very undoglike manner and skidded across the floor to cower beneath the sofa, only coming out when coaxed by Eggsy to do so. Officer Oatmeal had watched the proceedings from her regal place by the armchair, dozy eyed and blinking heavily.

- from a cat named lavender. from what i remember this was also my first try at bringing up trans eggsy

17.

He first appears at the black prince on a cold Monday evening, eyes like Frank Sinatra and lips arresting anyone’s gaze if they weren’t careful enough. He stood out too, clad in a respectable bomber jacket and boots that clicked against the tile rhythmically and loudly, a sort of organised, measured cacophony.

“Go and serve him,” Andrew said, fat and disinterested, seated behind the counter and idly flicking through bills, less than ten percent of which he pays Eggsy. “I’m busy.”

- from trust is left in lovers after all. i never continued this which is sad bc this did get a lot of attention... it was just v hard to keep the story going

18.

It usually rains cats and dogs in London but for some reason, the rain is heavier than usual today. The droplets splatter against the windows in a constant buzzing rhythm, the sound meshing together in a melody not altogether pleasant to the ears. It’s half past five and yet the light has to be kept on because that’s how dark the sky has gotten- thunder rolls like a loud crack, abrupt and deafening, causing Daisy to jump in her seat.

“Just a thunderstorm, flower,” Eggsy says. They’re seated at the dinner table, Eggsy going over her homework while David sits opposite them, hunched over his laptop as he attempts to finish a post mission report. Eggsy is half convinced he gave up ten minutes ago- he’s got his earbuds in and he hasn’t really typed anything in a while, eyes focused on the screen. His eyebrows are scrunched up in a glare that’s too adorable for his own good- and for Eggsy’s.

- from could feel like kryptonite. a lot of my kingsman fics are actually so much happier than my cherik ones... i should prob look into that rip

19.

“When you’re done lazing around you can come in, you dozy dog,” he tells Officer Oatmeal, who butts her nose into his knee. She’s the only one not on a diet in the house, Eggsy deeming her far too healthy and skinny to need one anyway. In fact, she’s under strict instructions by Eggsy to fatten up instead.

Once the animals are done feeding- Eggsy sporting a suspicious scratch on his left forearm- they settle down to eat their scrambled eggs and toast. David’s taken a large gulp of his scalding coffee when Eggsy says, all of a sudden, “So, I have a school reunion.”

- from gonna set this dance alight. don’t remember much about this either tbh

20. (the last one FINALLY)

It isn’t a big event or explosion that makes David realise he wants to see his father’s ring sitting pretty on Eggsy’s index finger. No teary confessions in the rain like in the rom coms Eggsy loves to rent out and sniffle his way through, or a fight that makes David see sense. In the end, it’s breakfast that cinches the deal for him.

The day had started out normally enough. David wakes up at eight like clockwork, the soft downy hair at the base of Eggsy’s neck tickling his nose with his arm locked tight around his waist. He’d yawned, exhausted- mostly because they’d stayed up very late into the night making good use of the bed- before standing up and shucking his shirt off to head for the shower. Eggsy had shifted in his sleep, mumbling something unintelligible, and the sight had been too endearing to resist so he’d bent down, pressing a kiss to his forehead and smiling when Eggsy groaned out loud.

- from lover boy rules. i actually started a lot of my kingsman fics in the same way which is rather awful of me. im glad thats changed with my xmen fics lmfjgjk. also this has 15 comments???? i dont even get that much attention with my xmcu fics these days... which is arguably a more active fandom... Hello

anyway that’s the end of it needless to say i do not know 10 other authors so im just gonna tag whoever i know rn: @hellfre , @queerneto, @ikeracity, @drinkingstars, @zebraljb

[beigejournals]

Season 5 Lucifer

welcome to my unsolicited thoughts about Season 5 of Lucifer.  

as an avid and veteran series binger AND a talker-while-watching-a-movie-or-series-but-does-not-want-to-spoil-anything-for-my-friends type of person, i have finally dedicated a space and found a good way to let all my thoughts out as i watch a movie or series when i am alone when i can’t bother a lot of people because (1) they don’t want to be bothered and (2) i don’t want to spoil things for them.

so here are my thoughts, and of course, SPOILERS AHEAD.

BTW, i LOVED all of Lucifer! but this season was a slow burn for me. 

ep1

drug scene at Lux; is Amenadiel mean now?

so is Lucifer himself in his own hell loop when he became the ruler of hell? his own guilt towards his father? idk (to be frank, i don’t remember the past episodes except for the fact that he is now back in hell)

the premise of the first episode is cute!

side note after the title card: i remember how much i loved the soundtrack for Lucifer!

Maze is still hot.

I love how Maze and Chloe’s relationship developed and how they don’t have to use words to communicate.

Amenadiel’s and the Psychologist’s house HAHAHAHA i love it.

is Charlie Jesus? His mom’s faith in front of Ella is like every mom plus every religious person ever haha

YES. ELLA. YOU. DESERVE. A. GOOD. GUY.

self-improvement is now a meme, huh?

Dan is me.

comment on drug scene: Amenadiel is still the same, haha!

Maze and the card, haha!

how was the guy in the mask face (did i just say mask face?) blurred but in the party, Los Angeles was in perfect accuracy. excuse me.

coming out of the dead: “oh sorry, that’s so gross!” LORDT HAHA

love you, Charlie! hope you don’t feel like you have to perform because your mom expects a lot from you and that’s so ironic because she’s a psychologist!

Dan’s speeches about parenting: i get it tho, parents try to love their child, sometimes, they just don’t know how

also, i think it’s the sister but Chloe’s just a softie

lol Maze is jealous that Chloe got to talk to Lucifer and trying to say that they don’t need Lucifer.

OOF MAZE.

i forgot about what happened with Eve.

GUYS THE MURDERER IS LITERALLY GOING TO ESCAPE.

the amount of projection as defense mechanism in this episode is too much it feels like it’s too on the nose.

but i do love the parallel between what’s happening on Earth and in hell.

the amount of layers in this question either it’s Lucifer’s or his or his sister’s (assuming it is his sister who was behind his murder)

ok apparently it’s not his sister.

me in law school:

sana all kaya kang mahalin na babalik from hell. kilig aq.

also, after all these years, Lucifer’s house has been so clean!!! wala man lang alikabok

if she’ll be fine without him then who tf is that?

ok i read the synopsis for the next couple of episodes. i don’t like spoilers. don’t make the same mistake.

ep2

i’m Ella when it comes to my friends’ special people HAHA

also, i love the slight lean to one side to show us that this is not the real Lucifer.

why does he have to be naked???

it’s so funny for me how they have to reestablish him. LUCIFER NEVER LIES HAHAHAHAHA yes we can remember now after you repeated it 3x.

ALSO WHY IS EVERYTHING TO ON THE NOSE. EVERY SECOND IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING. was it always like this?

Oh Michael. Nice. Was he an archer? We love the American accent.

how can Amenadiel not know that was Michael? GANON KA IDENTICAL SIZ?

we love the unnecessary car chase just to  reinstate the fact that this is a crime show

that slomo with the wings!!!

also everything is so slow with this show!!! idk why but everything feels just a little bit slower (or maybe i just want lucifer and chloe to be together? idk)

gwapo ni lucifer nung nagmomol sila ni Maze pls

cringe ng elevator scene

ykw. i think it’s because i like the lucifer character that’s why i’m impatient. he hasn’t been appearing the way i want him to.

see. you don’t have to remind me so much about the show because i know he was supposed to say “what is it that you truly desire” not fear. I FEEL LIKE THIS SEASON IS DUMBING THE PEOPLE WHO LOVED THE SHOW FOR SO LONG. okay sige.

either she knows it’s not him or SHE’S REALLY THAT NICE AND POWERFUL OF A HUMAN BEING.

oh i’ve been questioning whether they had sex already and this episode answered my question

CRINGE coffee scene: the spoon???

random question: are angels virgins? so is Michael a virgin?

what kind of a person would just go deep on someone else’s pocket just because they ran out of money?

knew it Maze won’t do Chloe dirty like that!

thanks Chloe. u know better than that. (full disclosure: I THOUGHT SHE WAS ACTING BADLY APPARENTLY A GOOD ACTOR CAN ACT BADLY TO PROVE A POINT?)

literally just liked it and now there’s a new secret that was said too soon.

God baka naman pwede mo ko gawing Chloe Decker char.

AH so interesting. Lucifer = Desire. Michael = Fear. Too on the nose again but that time, i needed the guidance because i am a dumbass.

God ain’t raising his children right!

ep3

yes explain everything to me it’s literally not like we have been binging this show for 2 hours straight

see, the Lucifer character is really endearing. i’m enjoying myself again hahaha. (well, i guess Lucifer when he’s with Chloe?)

can i just say that Tom Ellis was born for that role. he fits is so well that him acting as his own twin doesn’t sit well with me.

i just feel like this show was written by a psychologist who liked watching murder shows.

it’s Lucifer, Chloe!!! siya yon.

ep4

love Lucifer-Chloe tandem!

we love how the actors can sing and the show gives them a chance...

one thought: is everyone going to play a double of who they are?

also is Maze the daughter of Lucifer?

i love how they’re transcending mediums, reminds me of Community with their random episodes.

there you go, Chloe’s doing the double acting too.

Now it’s Linda. (so maybe this is the episode i was asking about earlier).

Now it’s Ella.

omg is this why i loved fleabag, it took forever for the Priest and Fleabag to finally do it? no. i just love the Priest.

Charlotte’s back! and the distance from the table shows how not okay they are. okay.

green screen while driving i love it.

now, Daniel!

we love gender fluidity? i guess. i’m not sure how you call it but i appreciate.

Lilith’s dress for the second song. OMG.

there again to make us dumb. after we just watched the whole thing happen, they retell the whole story again. damn. they think we dumb.

literally this season is making every girl kiss Chloe.

why did she blow the ring? was that her life?

what’s that song in the end?

OH that was the reason why she was retelling everything.

damn celestial beings are the worst parents.

ep5

i wanna be Dr. Linda Martin please.

i appreciate Lucifer wearing the bracelet until now. (but i expected nothing less)

i’ve always loved how people reacted to Amenadiel. he always seemed nerdy but these are times where he truly shine and im so happy.

i forgot.  i think i was showering that time that Michael and Lucifer fought and theyre hella dumb. ok lets go toxic masculinity mixed with daddy issues.

i know they’re too on the nose ABOUT EVERYTHING but i do like the debate about free will and predestination

honestly i don’t know what’s Chloe’s issue is with being made by God probably just because i’m lazy and i just want to lay everything in His hands but coming from a very atheistic perspective where she comes from i kinda get it. i guess my only reasoning why i’m okay with God’s reason is with her is because of my fear of the unknown; my current fear with not knowing my true purpose. at least she got hers! what is she complaining about?

oh i get it now, but that’s why there’s free will Chloe (or idk, idk how God works; there’s currently no electricity in my house rn. i don’t get how that works even if we pay for our electricity all the time, how am I suppose to know God’s plans?)

but aren’t well created for something else? looking at a selfish perspective, maybe He created all of us just because He wanted to.

wow. literally when the nun kissed Amenadiel, the lights in our house opened up. if that ain’t God. idk who that is.

wow that’s so interesting.

“There are no shortcuts.” 🥺

he exposed himself i’m interested. what if i were the one to whom that was exposed to... how would i react?

another sample of them explaining to us WHAT WE ALREADY CAN INFER FROM THE SHOW (the conversation actually continues to dumb it down for the audience) but i get it. it’s religion and fiction built together.

oh i just cringed i almost vomited with this 

also can i just share these. these are the funniest thing Chloe said on the show.

ep6

OOF what a horrifying way to start the episode (after the beach fiasco)

they’re holding us. that’s so adorable!!!

ugh. im still cringing.

yes jowa for ella yes pls. ELLA YOU SAID YOU WANT A NICE GUY!!! HE’S THERE!!! i’ll take him if you won’t!

Chloe if you don’t want Lucifer, i’ll take him too!

can i say how proud i am of Chloe and Dan’s relationship. it’s very healthy for what they are. add Lucifer and Dan to that too! we love men.

also the women in this show have bad taste in men. (except for who Linda married, i guess)

we love the seasonal girl’s night!

that whole charlie thing being amused by lucifer’s devil face is the best bit

was it Michael calling? and oh noooo ;(

FUCKEN MICHAEL

ngl i could have waited for another season for them to have sex on season 6 episode 6 but sure have it at season 5.

ep7

we love a person who wakes up and is not pretty. princess anna who? (i mean she is wearing full on make up, but we’re okay with that snore)

Deckerstar!! they made a word for it

our mojo??? does it only work on lucifer or does it work when she does it to others as well, we shall find out.

oh no! Lucifer’s isn’t working at all HAHAHAHA

it’s currently 2:19 AM. i am tired and sleepy.

Dan talking to Charlotte 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Fucking Michael

oh he emphasized archangel Michael. with my limited knowledge being raised Catholic, i was going to ask earlier if he was an archer because he had crooked shoulders. AND I JUST CHECKED. ARCHANGEL MEANS HIGH RANKING ANGEL NOT AN ANGEL WHO’S A FUCKING ARCHER. me being raised Cathlolic means nothing. HAHAHH

now i’m realizing if i see an angel, maybe i won’t be in the situation where i’ll see Amenadiel but Michael

NO NO NO AMENADIEL

i love this HAHAHAHAHA

knew it. called it! worked on lucifer ONLY. HOW CAN TWO PEOPLE BE THAT MADE FOR EACH OTHER. LORD BAKA NAMAN.

i’m ella shipping them.

THEYRE SPEAKING TAGALOG HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

what song was that? “When it hurts, just to breathe” same

The Shining reference no thank you pls

NAAAH i really can’t do horror things especially not with things i truly fear and when i don’t have a curtain on. No thanks.

14:54 and i’m watching again open the lights bro, it’s easier to find clues that way   also i do get that they’re closing it to ensure that the killer is not there but theyre also moving like the killer is not there anyway so better open up the lights! tho i really know nothing about crime solving (i just typed crime solving instead of solving crimes didn’t i)

we stan ella’s healthy relationship!!!

can i just say there was a time where i can’t even say serial killer out loud so this is really hard for me to watch alone

i know that he’s vulnerable around the detective. BUT SHE SAID HE CHOSE TO BE SO BY NOW HE SHOULDN’T BE AFFECTED BY WHAT HE DID.

Fucken Michael.

ep8

how attractive can you be that even in slow motion, you look great.

oh apparently he did not die.

ALSO OO NGA CHLOE. US2 MO SIYA MAMATAY TEH.

CHLOE THE OVERTHINKER but i get it. BUT STILL.

you know that montage of people just studying and it’s now happening to chloe trying to solve a crime. that’s my cinematography goal HAHAHA. it’s been awhile since i’ve been invested in studying like that.

Lucifer can be just so immature some times

is KillShare based off of SkillShare?

also i’m thinking that Chloe was either taken by Michael or Dan or the SK.

that ring of Lucifer on Maze is probably the longest ring someone has waited for.

i love Maze’s eye make up! ALL THE TIME!

if the lady here is not detective and they’re relieved. that’s just fucked up, man. they were slightly relieved. that’s good acting HAHAHAHAHA.

I’M JUST PRAYING TO GOD THAT PETE REALLY IS A GOOD GUY AND NOT THE SERIAL KILLER COZ I CAN’T HATE THAT GUY PLEASE. the key and the research!!! WTF. stop trying to be smart, show!!!

his mojo is back, does that mean Chloe is gone? 😢

OH AFTER THE TAPES, I THINK IT IS THE BOYFRIEND. DAMN SHE’S REALLY INTO BAD MEN, ISN’T SHE?

I’M SO SCARED. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.

THE FLOWERS ARE FRIGGIN KILLING ME.

kamukha niya pa si Penn Badgley, nice.

DOES HE GENUINELY LIKE HER OR IS THE KISS TO THROW HER OFF GUARD.

AH NO. i think he genuinely likes her. except that she... you know found that he’s a fucking murderer

HAHAHA PETE

right??? why does this show have to say everything out loud like don’t already know.

oh he just used her but then he liked her. idk. the way he speaks too, so nonchalant.

preach, ELLA!!!! shout out to those who had crappy childhoods and are not serial killers! that’s the bare minimum i guess.

go, Ella!!! know your worth!

lol made me love Pete, he’s funny.

ok my assumptions were right-ish.

HAHAHA, his american accent.

his choosing to be bot vulnerable around her anymore, Michael, i think is a way of him staying alive for Chloe but ofc Chloe will think that Lucifer would rather have his vulnerability than to be with her.

baka di lang love language ni Lucifer words of affirmation, okay! HE SAVED HER LIFE SO MANY TIMES AND NOW SHE’S DOUBTING BECAUSE HE HASN’T SAID I LOVE YOU YET??? SIZ. HE LITERALLY LEFT HELL FOR YOU.

MICHAEL STOP. Michael the shit stirrer. we all have that one friend.

awa me kay Maze. she’s like a lost dog throughout the show.

does Michael want to be God?

skipped thru the speech. cringe.

what’s Amenadiel’s problem with his child having a normal cold? what’s wrong if he’s a mere mortal?

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS SHO’W SO INSECURE. i get so annoyed every time Chloe’s mad that Lucifer doesn’t get what he wants

it’s just that i resonate with Lucifer. it’s hard for me to say i love you and now i think Amenadiel stopped time.

oh. i thought Amenadiel’s fears about Charlie being mortal was superficial, i just realized that he was afraid that his child was going to die. but, he can take him to heaven like what he did with Charlotte, right?

oh Michael.

MAZE! MICHAEL IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!!!! you’re fine! i don’t have a soul either.

celestial beings and their daddy issues and inability to communicate with one another and the desire to fight it out as if that’s the solution

HOTTEST BROTHERS EVER DAMN.

itong si God ngayon lang magpapakita anuna siz.

WHY ISN’T HE PLAYED BY MORGAN FREEMAN BUT OK.

CLIFFHANGER!!! IM MAD.

ep 8 should have been called blueballz tbh

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 15

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- IF YOU WANT TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN THIS IS UPDATED, I THOUGHT I COULD START A TAG LIST SO LET ME KNOW. IF YOU’D RATHER BE NOTICED IN PRIVATE, MESSAGE ME TOO PLEASE!

- THERE IS SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER. not a lot. and not super explicit, but just a fair warning.

- this is mostly about Liv and Harry. I hope you still enjoy.

-is this story getting boring? i really really need to know!

- thank you so much for all the asks i get. you guys make me so happy. i cant even explain. thank you forever. i love you!!!

-tbh idk what i think of this chapter meh im not super proud i admit :X

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 15 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

When I woke up, I kept my eyes closed and reached out to find Niall but groaned when I realized I was alone. I didn't remember him trying to wake me up by shaking me or threatening me to do something embarrassing and I ended up thinking I must really have been out of it.

i tried to remember the whole conversation I had with Niall the night before and I shook my head with a sigh, my eyes still closed. I was an idiot. He looked good, he was sweet, and I had been so close to kiss him. That would have been an extremely stupid move. Not only would it ruin our friendship, but just a few hours before that, I was kissing Harry. It was a miracle I had initiated a first kiss, it would have been insane to think I could initiate a second one on the exact same night.

I rolled on myself, ending up in the middle of the bed, on my back, and my eyes fluttered open. I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes and finally forced myself out of bed. I was impatient to see Niall but nervous to see Harry. What were we supposed to tell each other? What did that kiss mean anyway? What was the next step? Knowing Harry, these were all useless questions. He was laid-back and never really bothered with labels. I was the total opposite. Everything was so much better when it was clear and said. Still, I didn't want to rush anything and I had no intention to have that kind of serious conversation with him 12 hours after our first kiss.

I took a quick shower and dressed up before brushing my teeth and rushing downstairs. The house was extremely quiet and I frowned, looking through every open door to find someone. I ended up in the kitchen and my heart skipped a beat when I saw Harry making food.

"What are you doing?" I asked with a frown, my lips curled into a smile. "Where is everyone?"

"Oh shit, I wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed," he let out as toasts popped out of the toaster. "I guess it's ruined."

I raised my eyebrows and chuckled, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Well, I apologize."

"No, no!" he argued, shaking his head. "Should have worked a bit faster."

I watched him run around for a few more seconds and he finally put a full plate on the table, placing a very similar one right in front. I took a step closer as he showed me the chair with his hand. We both sat down and I leaned my chin on my hand, my elbow on the table.

"Are you trying to impress me with your cooking skills?" I asked with a smirk.

"Maybe, is it working?" he answered, his lips curling more.

"Maybe."

We started eating and I noticed how we kept glancing at each other. The nervousness I had felt earlier was gone but the thumping of my heart against my rib cage was still present. Perhaps I liked Harry more than I thought.

"So, why are we alone?" I asked after a few minutes of silence, looking up at him.

He did the same and chuckled, leaning against his chair and taking a sip of coffee.

"I sort of asked Niall to take everyone to the beach?" he admitted, scratching the back of his head.

He looked embarrassed and I liked it. I nodded slowly and tried to restrain a chuckle. I didn't even want to know how Niall reacted. I was a bit lost at the way he was acting recently. Sometimes, I felt like he wanted Harry and I to finally be together but some other times, I could swear he still thought Harry would break my heart. Either way, he was respecting his promise to not come between whatever Harry and I had and I was grateful for that.

"And besides breakfast in bed, what else did you have in mind?" I asked curiously, staring at him. "Or maybe you thought we'd stay in bed?"

This time, he laughed and I joined him. He pushed his plate away and took the last sip of his coffee before diving his gaze in mine again.

"Are you trying to get in my pants?"

I didn't answer but laughed and rolled my eyes. The truth was, I wouldn't be against some action. It's been so long since I felt someone's hands on me it was driving me insane. When we had kissed the night before, I could have sworn it had made my whole body throb. It anticipated what could happen and I felt like I disappointed it by not going further. Is that even possible? To disappoint your own body and mind?

"When's the last time you had sex, Harry?" I asked daringly, raising my eyebrows.

My questions surprised it at first and his eyes got bigger but after a few seconds, his lips curled again and he laughed.

"You're really one of a kind." he pointed out, licking his lips. "I don't know, I'm pretty sure I met someone when the tour started?"

I thought he knew how straight forward I was by then but apparently, I could still startle him. Even Niall was surprised by my behavior sometimes, so I didn't think anything bad of it.

"Are you trying to tell me you didn't get into anyone's pants since the tour started?"

"I wanted to but every time I could have, I preferred to stay at the hotel or in the tour bus with a cute brunette who chokes on jello."

"I'm never gonna get out of this one, will I?"

He laughed again and shook his head, moving closer to the table and intertwining his fingers, his hands on the table.

"No, you won't." he pointed out. "You want to know why?"

Every time Harry talked, I was curious to find out what he was going to say next. He knew how to make me smile, he knew how to make me melt, and with an other glance at his hands, I was pretty sure he knew how to make me cum.

"Why?" I wondered, raising my eyebrows as I tried to stop thinking about specific parts of his body.

"Because that's when I realized how much I liked you." he explained, the right corner of his lips curling fondly. "I mean I knew I liked you, I knew I wanted to kiss you, but on that night?" He shrugged. "I don't know, I realized it was more than a stupid little crush. It was more than infatuation. It was stronger."

The traits of my face softened quickly at his words. I was not even sure I deserved this, I was not sure I deserved him, and I felt extremely selfish because I knew I was going to go for it even if my mind was telling me not to. I was going to spend time with Harry, get to know him even better, and maybe even go further.

"You know exactly what to say and when to say it." I just pointed out in a whisper. "Maybe we should go in bed right now."

This time, a loud laughter boomed out of him and the way he closed his eyes was endearing. I stared at the cute crinkles on the corners of his eyes and my gaze traveled down to his perfect lips and straight teeth. Why did a guy so fucking perfect had feelings for someone plain and boring like me? I knew physical appearance was not a criteria, or at least I knew it was less and less important the older you get, but someone like Harry could get anyone. I was pretty sure there were many girls out there who would be a thousand times prettier, smarter and funnier. There were a thousand girls out there who had an amazing personality along with a perfect body. Why was Harry losing his time on me?

"We should go to the lake instead, what do you think?"

I chuckled and nodded, grabbing my mug and taking a sip of my cold coffee to hide the redness of my cheeks.

"Why did you ask me about the last time I had sex?" he questioned after a while. "Are you scared I cheated on you?"

I rolled my eyes again but shook my head.

"No, silly. Even if you had, it clearly wouldn't be cheating." I explained with a shrug. "I just asked because I haven't had sex in so long I can't remember when it happened last."

"That's... impossible. And sad. I mean, how can you not remember?"

If I racked my brain, I thought it was probably with the last person I dated but I just grimaced and shrugged again. It was not worth trying to remember, I was sure about it.

"Maybe I just don't want to."

"I can definitely understand that." He chuckled and nodded. "Okay, go get prepared, I'll clean a bit and we can leave."

He got up and I did the same quickly, walking to him and putting my hands on his shoulders. He had our two plates in hands and I just got on my tiptoes again to kiss him. I didn't make the kiss grow but I closed my eyes, feeling the softness of his lips against mine.

"Unfair." he breathed when I moved back from a few inches. "You did that when both my hands were busy."

I laughed and moved back down on my feet, raising my nose a bit.

"You can use your hands later, Harry."

                                                         ---

I dropped my stuff on the dark sand, putting my phone on my towel and letting my eyes roam on the lake as soon as we got there. Harry stood next to me but quickly took his shirt off, sending me an amused smile. I tried to keep my eyes up into his but ended up glancing down at his chest, making him laugh.

"It's a bit unfair, you know?" he asked jokingly with an other chuckle. "You keep this shirt on but I'm dying to see you without it."

I felt both my cheeks turn a soft shade of red and cleared my throat looking away. I was so insecure about my body that even being in a swimsuit bothered me, and somehow, I was sure he could tell. We both knew I was nothing like the girls he usually hangs out with, even less the girls he dates, and i tried to push away the thought that crawled evilly in my head. What if this was all a big fat joke? Or worse, what if he pitied me enough to give me that kind of attention, at least for a while?

"Are you scared of what i'll think of you?" he asked with a small frown, looking concerned. "Because you really don't have to."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, taking a step closer to the lake until my toes were in the water. How could I explain this to him without sounding desperate for compliments?

"All the girls here look amazing, I mean, have you seen Maya?" I just asked rhetorically, raising my eyebrows but still avoiding his gaze. "All the girls you've been with are models, Harry. I'm not stupid and I read gossips."

We remained silent for a few minutes and i held my breath when I saw him move from the corner of my eyes. He stopped behind me and he was so close I could feel the warmth of his body on mine, making my heartbeats accelerate. Gently, he brought his hands to my shoulders and lets his fingertips brush on the skin of my arms. I felt goosebumps appear on my skin but tried to remain motionless. One of his hands moved back slowly, pushing  my hair over one of my shoulders and I felt his breath on my neck.

"You don't have to take it off if you don't want to." he whispered, his lips barely touching my neck. "But I promise I love all of you."

I knew the word was random but I felt my whole body stiffen when he said 'love'. We were far from reaching that stage but I just kept quiet and licked my lips, keeping my bottom one between my teeth. He trailed kisses on my neck and my eyes fluttered close as I tilted my head to give him better access. I hadn't been touched in so long, whether it was sexually or romantically, and I was craving his touch more than I wanted to admit.

"Tell me if you want me to stop." he breathed close to my ear again.

I nodded and felt his arms wrap loosely around me. I sucked my belly in when his hands slipped under my shirt and all I could think about was that he was used to flat stomachs and firm bodies. When was the last time I actually exercised? Months ago, probably?

"Please, relax." he let out in a murmur. "You're perfect."

I felt his hands move up again and reach my breasts, bringing an intense throbbing between my legs. It was sad but I could already feel myself get excited and I cursed at myself mentally for that while I shut my eyes tighter.

"Do you know how many times I thought about touching you?"

His voice was slightly huskier and my lips parted at the sound. I didn't know where to focus anymore and when he reached up for the straps of my bathing suit, I knew I was fucked.

"You're not gonna fuck me here, Harry, are you?"

He chuckled low and I felt him shake his head.

"No, I just want to touch you."

I felt his fingertips run on my breasts and stop on my nipples and he took a step closer. He was so close I could feel his half-hard cock rub slightly and gently against my ass and it made me swallow hard. I hadn't touched myself since... since Niall caught me. My eyes opened suddenly and I glanced at my phone, moving slightly in Harry's arms.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked as his hands stopped moving over me.

I tried not to think about my best friend and I finally turned around, feeling his hands slip out of my shirt. I pushed my hair behind my shoulders and took a step back, sending him a smile.

"I think we should swim a bit."

He sent me an amused smile and shook his head as I chuckled.

"You're rare, Olivia." he let out loud enough to be sure i'd hear. "You know that, right?"

I laughed again and shrugged, turning around and getting completely in the water, immersing my head for a few seconds as I tried to calm the beatings of my heart. I liked Harry, then why did I always end up thinking about Niall? After all, I stood no chance with him while Harry was ready to let me in and give me a chance. A chance I was not sure I deserved.

When I got my head out to get air, I noticed Harry very close to me. He smiled at me fondly and pulled me closer. I expected the kiss as his warm lips pressed on mine and slowly, I brought my arms around his neck and felt his hands on my back, over my shirt.

"You know that half my bathing suit is just... hanging down." I pointed out as I laughed against his mouth. "Fortunately, I have a shirt."

"Or unfortunately, depends who you ask." he replied as we both laughed. "You can always just take it off. Ever been skinny dipping?"

I moved my face away slightly and shook my head.

"No!" I let out a bit too loud. "You remember we kissed for the first time yesterday, right?"

He sent me a smirk and shrugged.

"Would you rather take your time?"

My smile faltered a bit and finally turned into a loving one. I licked my lips and brought them back on his, wrapping my arms tighter around his neck. I could feel his wet hair tickle my shoulders and neck and I loved it.

"No." I admitted in a whisper after a few more kisses. "In fact, I want all this to go quicker."

He laughed a bit against my mouth and his pulled me closer, hugging me against his body.

"That can be arranged."

He brought me out of the water, still kissing me deeply, and I noticed our height difference when my feet met the sand again. i felt his lips detach from mine slowly and I groaned low, making him laugh.

"Are you always impatient like that?" he wondered, placing a towel around me , making sure it covered all of me before rubbing his hands on my arms to warm me.

"No."

My answer made his lips curl more and he held out his hand for me. I stared at it a few seconds before slipping my fingers in it. When he squeezed my hand in his and pulled on my arm to incite me to follow him, I felt my heart skip a beat.

"I'm special, then?" he questioned, glancing at me, as we walked back to the lodge.

"Perhaps."

I felt like the walk back took an eternity but when he closed the sliding door behind us, I brought my shoulders closer to my face, keeping the towel around my body. The AC was on and I shivered a few times.

"I think I'll go take a hot shower." I just said, sending him a small smile.

I left the bathroom's door open and he waited for me, sitting on the bed, as I tried to warm myself under the hot stream of water. I held myself against the wall and allowed myself to think about Niall and wondered what he was doing.

I got out and looked at the clothes I brought with me intensely and for a while. I was torn between dressing up completely or partially and I could feel my heartbeats throb all over my body. I was nervous and scared but I wanted this and I knew I would regret it if I didn't do it. There was nothing worse than regretting not doing something. I decided to just wear my panties and a dry shirt and breathed in deeply before getting back in the room. Harry looked up and his lips curled immediately at my sight. I liked the feeling and I took a few steps closer, stopping right in front of him. He looked up at me and we stared at each other for a few seconds.

"You have no idea how bad I wanted to join you."

His words made me smile and slowly, I put one of my knees on the bed next to his thigh before doing the same with the other, straddling him. I brought my hands up to cup his face and kissed him deeply. I felt his fingers graze my naked thighs and whimpered low in his mouth.

"I wouldn't have minded." I confessed in a breath, letting one of my hands slip in his hair.

He tasted just as good as the day before and his lips were sweet, the taste of caramel still lingering on his tongue, and I ended up thinking that I would be fine with tasting this all my life. The thought scared me and excited me at the same time, making my heart jump so high in my chest that I felt it in my throat.

I gripped the back of his shirt and pulled it over his head with difficulty. I thought it would make him laugh but he looked up at me and his eyes roamed on my face. I felt slightly anxious but I didn't move as I watched his lips part slightly.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked softly, placing his warm palms on my thighs. "We can wait you know, as long as you want."

"I really don't want to wait." I said without hesitation, feeling my heart beat harder.

My heart swelled and I had to swallow the lump in my throat when his hands reached for the bottom of my shirt. I tried to concentrate on the skin of his chest and the form of his tattoos but all i could think about was his hands bringing my shirt up slowly and the way his impatient eyes ran on me. My shirt ended up on the floor and I held my breath again when his hands brushed slowly on my sides.

"Fuck."

He pushed my hair gently over my shoulders and let his hands travel down to my breasts again.

"Why didn't we do this before?" he whispered mostly to himself.

My lips curled a bit on the left, remembering that I had asked myself the same question when we had kissed the night before. After all, I had the right to be happy, didn't I? And trying to make things work with Harry was a step closer to my happiness, or at least, something that seemed pretty close to that. 

I bent down to kiss him again and he immediately parted my lips to kiss me deeper. He pulled me closer and turned us around as I chuckled again his lips and ended up under him, spreading my legs to give him more space. I could feel him getting harder as I moaned in his mouth and his lips ran down my neck, making me shut my eyes tight as he ground down on me, noticing just then that he had changed his wet bathing suit for a pair of dry shorts. There was nothing I wanted more at this exact moment than for him to take them off but I gripped the sheets on the bed with one hand while the other slipped in his hair again.

I felt both his hands slip down my waist as two fingers moved on the sides of my panties, pulling them down so slowly I thought it would never end. He moved up on his knees, his body still close to mine, and I pushed my panties away with my feet as he laughed against my mouth, probably at how impatient I was.

"We have all day, no rush." he pointed out, grabbing my upper lip between his and sucking gently on it while his hand slipped between my legs.

"Oh. Oh god."

I shut my eyes tight and arched my back despite myself as two of his fingers slipped on my slit before sliding inside me. My grip on his hair tightened and I bucked my hips in an attempt to feel his fingers deeper.

"It's been way too long." I repeated again.

My eyes shot open and I held my breath when his thumb rubbed on my clit a few times. I knew he could read how desperate I was just by looking in my eyes but he didn't smirk. He just looked at me as his fingers slipped in and out of me, slowly at first and quicker after a while, his thumb still brushing skillfully on my clit, not skipping a beat.

"Harry, if you don't stop i'm gonna..."

"Don't hold it."

I felt a rush to my brain as an orgasm hit me hard, shaking my body beneath him. I would feel embarrassed to reach my high so quickly if I wasn't busy enjoying the incredible feeling invading my whole body. I kept my eyes closed but felt my pupil flutter behind my eyelids as a comfortable warmth spread all over my body.

His lips reached mine again and i smiled, kissing him back. I thought he would want to keep going but he finally moved away and sent me a fond smile, brushing his nose a few times against mine, giving me an eskimo kiss.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, sitting up and passing his hand in his hair. "I could use a snack."

I looked at him with surprise as he bent down to grab something on the floor and hand it to me, holding it with two of his fingers. I smiled shyly when I noticed it was his shirt and took it. As I put it on, it reminded me that I still had some of his clothes that he let me borrow on the last day of tour and I would have to bring them back to him. This shirt, though, had no holes and it smelled like him. I fucking loved it and I felt myself blush at that thought.

"I thought you'd want to..." I didn't finish my sentence and just chuckled, shaking my head and pressing my lips together.

"I told you." he just said in a low tone, moving closer and pressing his lips firmly on mine. "We have all day."

[karasunonolibero]

2019 writing self-evaluation

so i did this over on my main last year, and since i had what i felt was a productive year, i wanted to do it here! i’ve included all works, from every fandom i wrote for, so there’s definitely a variety but also a clear distinction of when i stopped writing 1d and started writing for haikyuu, heh. anyway, i’m proud of all the work i’ve done this year, so here’s to 2020!

ALL FICS MUST HAVE POSTED ON AO3 IN 2019

1. Number of stories (including drabbles) posted to AO3: 50

2. Word count posted for the year: 147,038

3. List of works published this year (in order of posting):

two loves have i (5 january)

it’s only your imagination again (25 january)

the pain’s only temporary (8 february)

blow a kiss, fire a gun (9 may)

waiting to be found (14 may)

a swim with a shark (6 june)

sweet and lowdown (19 june)

one more time as if we planned it (24 june)

always be my thunder (23 july)

will your mouth read this truth (30 july)

tumblr drabbles & prompts (last updated 3 august)

I’m on my way up (’cos you make me bliss out) (completed 4 august) (collab with Rider_Of_Spades on ao3)

even mountains crumble into the sea (7 august)

we’re on each other’s team (14 august)

dangerous, tainted, flawed (20 august)

life can do terrible things (25 august)

the night before life goes on (1 september)

when the letter says a soldier’s coming home (17 september)

when the air ran out (19 september)

something missing tonight (21 september)

built castles from sand (26 september)

underneath the stars we came alive (8 october)

sweet talk and sugar (10 october)

got my name on this treasure (11 october)

just a little taste, babe (14 october)

iwaoi horror week drabbles (completed 1 november)

don’t let the tide come (31 october)

daisuga week drabbles (completed 24 november)

how (not) to put on a condom (26 november)

taste the tension, now i’m begging (2 december)

kiss the boy (7 december)

till tonight do us part (11 december)

i wish i could be there now (13 december)

on our way to twenty-seven (15 december)

for the dream far away (24 december)

a collar full of chemistry (25 december)

fall down and commune with me (28 december)

a little of love’s electricity (31 december)

the city is at war (last updated 31 december)

4. Fandoms I wrote for: (stats pulled from the ao3 filter feature on my works)

haikyuu!! (41)

one direction (9)

the legend of zelda: breath of the wild (3)

all time low (1)

crystalline (1)

5. Pairings: (i didn’t count side or past pairings)

iwaizumi hajime/oikawa tooru (14)

sawamura daichi/sugawara koushi (13)

oikawa tooru/sugawara koushi (4)

azumane asahi/nishinoya yuu (3)

kuroo tetsurou/sawamura daichi (2)

kuroo tetsurou/yaku morisuke (1)

akaashi keiji/oikawa tooru (1)

sawamura daichi/sugawara koushi/terushima yuuji (1)

sawamura daichi/terushima yuuji (1)

sugawara koushi/terushima yuuji (1)

link/revali (1)

mipha/zelda (1)

louis tomlinson/harry styles (5)

louis tomlinson/zayn malik (1)

alex gaskarth/louis tomlinson (1)

liam payne/louis tomlinson (1)

zack spade/pixel fade (1)

6. Story with the most:

Kudos: two loves have i (275)

Bookmarks: two loves have i (34)

Comments: two loves have i (25)

9. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

on our way to twenty-seven! i was digging into some identity and sexuality issues that i myself have dealt with in the past and writing about it was the first time i’d really dove into some of that stuff, so i really enjoyed writing it and i think it’s some of my best.

i’m also really proud of i’m taking back the crown and i wish i could say why. i just really like the way it came out. writing oikawa as this desperate dethroned prince trying to reclaim his kingdom at any cost only to be beaten at his own game in his own home was just...ugh. it was so much fun to write.

10. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

one more time as if we planned it, definitely. i just felt super rushed writing it. it was for the one direction rarepair fest, which was super fun, but i had Just finished a longer fic a few days before this one was due and i initially tried to drop out because i thought i wouldn’t be able to finish it, but i did, but i still feel like it’s rushed and just not as good as it could have been if i’d planned better and given it some more time.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

im gonna do what i did last year and post more than one, because 1. i can’t decide and 2. i quite honestly am pretty proud of a lot of what i wrote this year

from when the letter says a soldier’s coming home —

Tooru’s squealing somewhere behind them, and Hajime’s gruffly trying to get out the door, and he’ll have to call the school and make up something about being sick so he can spend the day catching up with Daichi, but it can wait. It can all wait. Because Koushi’s waited long enough. It’s about time the rest of the world waits for him.

from strawberries on a summer evening —

Suga hums against him, licking strawberry seeds from between Daichi’s teeth, like he’s just as intoxicated by Daichi as Daichi is with him. Daichi could live here, in this feeling, ignoring everything except how Suga sounds (like bliss personified), smells (like sunblock and sweat), tastes (like sugar and salt). He’s the hottest part of the summer, high noon in mid-August, just this side of too much to handle, but addicting in how it leaves you at its mercy.

from on our way to twenty-seven —

“Sorry, what was your name again?”

Tetsurou opens his mouth to say his American name, but he catches Daichi and Suga looking at him, and he swallows it down. “My name is Tetsurou. Tetsurou Kuroo.”

“I thought you wanted people to call you Tyler,” Timothy says.

Tetsurou shoots him a glare and says it again, feeling his confidence start to grow. “My name is Tetsurou Kuroo. Tetsu is fine, too, but I don’t go by Tyler anymore.”

12. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

any time tasteofsummersnow left me a comment, it made my heart go doki doki!! her comments are so in depth and so very sweet and it’s so much fun to see her real-time reactions to my writing. i go back and reread them like once a week they’re so nice ;_;

13. A time when writing was really, really hard:

the spring/early summer in general was tough, like from march to june. i didn’t post anything between february and may, and i feel like i was struggling a lot creatively around like may/june of this year. i think it’s because a lot of stuff in the 1d fandom was really turning me off at the time and that’s when the burnout fully hit.

14. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

definitely sugawara in the city is at war. i was writing that first chapter and initially i just wanted to see him step up when daichi wasn’t around but he very quickly turned sadistic and ruthless and scarily sharp, which is just so much fun to write him as. and his relationship with daichi is just—ugh. love that violence-fueled romance. they would kill a hundred men for each other and be turned on once they were finished.

honestly, all of the city is at war has surprised me. the idea came to me in a dream on a long bus ride, of all the clan leaders having a meeting and being attacked, and i woke up and banged it out in 36 hours. i meant it to be a oneshot but as i wrote it, i realized i loved the au so much there was no way i could leave it at that. so now it’s got a whole plot and all that. fun!

15. How did you grow as a writer this year:

last year i said i felt i grew writing angst and exploring different emotional themes, and i think i built on that even more this year. i did a bunch of shorter pieces this year and i feel a lot of them really explored emotions and characters more than plot, and that’s been so much fun. and then as well, like i said before, i’ve branched out into the crime-action genre with the yakuza au. and! iwaoi horror week was my first real attempt at spooky/creepy/horror-type writing, and, it was a fun challenge for sure.

i also said i wanted to just keep writing and be spontaneous and i definitely did that this year. i posted so many fics not caring how long it had been since the last one—sometimes it was less a day. numbers stopped mattering to me. i posted just because i wanted to put my writing out there and share it with the world, knowing there had to be someone out there who’d like it.

16. How do you hope to grow next year:

i feel like 2019 was a year of trying a lot of new things, so in 2020 i’m hoping to explore some different ships and tropes. the sheer number of characters and ships in haikyuu means there’s a ship for just about every trope and au out there, and i want to play around with some dynamics i’ve never written before.

17. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

as always, a shoutout to the loggies, who have been a fantastic source of inspiration and support all year even after i retired from 1d fic. and i would also like to thank the people i met via various hq discord servers—you know who you are!! thank you for the sprints, the encouragement, the inspiration, and the friendship. as someone brand new to the fandom, the support and sense of community has been nothing short of amazing, and you guys are part of the reason i felt so comfortable in this fandom so quickly.

18. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

actually, yeah. even mountains crumble into the sea was written the night before i broke up with my ex. i wrote it as an exercise to get all my feelings out, lay them all on the table where i could see them and pick through them, and then imagine the best possible way the scenario could go.

19. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

honestly—just write! write what you’re happy with. write even if you don’t post it. write, because everything you do is practice that’ll help you improve.

and don’t be afraid to write out of order or write more than one project at a time. i know that won’t work for everyone, but for me, if i didn’t immediately write what was on my mind, i probably wouldn’t have posted half of what i did this year.

20. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

hey remember last year when i said i was gonna finish the breath of the wild au?? L M A O i’m really gonna finish it next year i swear!!

i have a fic posting in the spring for the nsfw big bang which i’m ALSO very excited about! i’m lucky to be working with such a talented artist and the end result is gonna be amazing and i’m so so excited.

i also want to keep going with the city is at war, because that plot was a pleasant surprise. and there’s an ever-growing list of fic ideas and aus that i’m so excited to write—some of them were originally for larry aus but i’ve repurposed them for haikyuu pairings and that’s helped breathe new life into some old ideas.

21. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

anyone who sees this and wants to do it! just tag me, i wanna read your answers!

[spekulative]

starting anew!

hi! if by the odd chance you knew me from my old blog, i realized that i was restricted from carrying out a lot of functions i might want to in the future if i were to grow my blog (it was a sideblog to an old, 2013 blog i had and when i replied to comments or respond to asks it’d be as my primary). so instead i decided to create a new account so that lycho could be my primary blog! since i did have a few posts that i wanted to keep for history sake, this is just going to be a mega post of my past few posts: 

apr 6, 2020 - the beginning

day 1 of my journey with ux!

frankly, i’ve been on this journey for the past two years (ever since discovering it) but i feel as though i haven’t made any real progress. i’ve always claimed i wanted to grow and learn more about the field, yet those goals never showed in my day-to-day actions.

this blog is a collection of my progress on this journey to keep myself accountable. the goal is facebook in a year, baby!

i know it’s super idealistic and quite tough for a second year like me who’s not even in a design program (business, actually). but i still want to try. i want to do something for myself for once.

that is why i am committing 4 hours everyday to honing my craft. whether that is learning about ux through watching youtube tutorials, skillshare course, or reading medium articles, or actually practicing the craft by making redesigns or wireframes, i will dedicate this time strictly to advancing my expertise within the field. and this blog exists to keep up with my every step of the way :)

apr 8, 2020 - website overhaul

today I worked on cleaning up the modularity of my existing website a bit, making use of consistent classes instead of hard-coding like i used to! oh how i love modularity!

small win: making a navbar that breaks out of the standard bounding box of the site’s content --> next goal is to make it a sticky navbar with js!

other than my website, yesterday I finished a skillshare course on user-centred design, albeit short, it was really valuable and it only motivates me to continue learning. I’m starting to realize how much I actually like doing this stuff and think it is something that really clicks and not just something im doing for the looks.

slowly but surely getting the hang of dedicated 4 hour time chunks to my craft - i failed yesterday and the day before (woke up around 9/10 instead of starting at 8:30) but today i did pretty well! took a short 20 min nap inbetween haha but I’m still proud of myself overall :)

it’s been pretty depressing and lonely lately with the quarantine (when the sun is shining so bright, teasing me grr..) but I want to get back into a routine and be productive although i do have my lazy days. it just overall makes me feel better because who knows how long we’ll have to live like this. might as well get used to it.

apr 9, 2020 - website overhaul

hi! so today i wanted to be very candid and share that i feel like i did fail today in terms of the goals i had set out for myself, though I reached 1/2 goals so that’s good! the first was to finish refining my website and publish it (check!), while the other was to finish the financial statements for my business assignment but alas that did not end up happening haha, but i forgive myself for it and know that tomorrow will be a new day!

I actually woke up early today (around 7:30, earlier than usual) and felt awake, yet mentally I just wanted to go back to sleep so I ended up getting up at 9:30. I then regretted it and beat myself up for it briefly for doing that, but I realized that I should let myself off in these strange times we’re all living in right now.

so, i think i really am going to get serious about my design journey! my only concern is that i feel like im stretching myself too thin - i have a full time design internship offer for this summer for a startup, as well as 2 leadership positions on clubs where I lead/work on the branding and design, but also at the same time I”m always at home so not sure what is reasonable and what is not. Because when I’m not doing that, I want to be self-learning, but I recently a discovered a mentorship program where I could be mentored by a startup founder to help scale her business, but again I feel like I’m stretching myself thin. though it’s a really good opportunity.

anywho, updates on my website like this post was supposed to be about is that i finally published it again after not liking how it looked before, and i think this revamp is a lot cleaner! proud of it. i try not to reveal many of my personal details on here bc i’m not sure who would actually be reading it, but this blog is just a way for me to track, myself, how i’m doing and to keep myself accountable :) i just didn’t want to set it to private cause it’s a hassle for me to always enter the password if i want to look at my blog.

lastly, i want to start consistently workout - and in the long term actually start a real blog where I write about my experiences, in actual coherent sentences! amazing. creative-wise i really want to start learning 3d illustration and blender, even though i’m an aspiring product designer but i just love 3d and motion, so idk might be stretching myself too thin again but i feel like I need to stretch my creative muscles this way and push myself as a creator. also starting the daily ui challenge again tomorrow after giving up a few months ago - haha!

let’s see how this one pans out :)

apr 10, 2020 - learning + starting anew

today i started two new things !!

restarted daily ui challenge after quitting a week in last year

started to learn blender ! !

i still feel like i failed today because i mostly sat around doing nothing OTHER than design, which just affirms to me that im truly passionate about this stuff for only having motivation to do it (or just a strong will against my homework for uni still....either way im taking it)

although i’m not that great at blender yet and felt frustrated during the process, when i got the end result i realized i like how it turned out despite it not being perfect, and it’s inspiration for me to keep learning and expanding on my skills :)

same with daily ui - i found that my approach this time compared when i literally knew NOTHING about ux was very different.

for example, something I already notice I'm doing differently from the last time is focusing less on decoration and more on practicality, actually naming/grouping layers and leveraging design systems, and injecting personality to make the experience delightful. I'm also limiting myself to two hours now (though this one took about an hour) so I have more time to do some research, sketch and wireframe before styling.

looking forward to a better day tomorrow! i might do a little less design (maybe just a daily ui shot) so i can focus on actually tackling the report i’m supposed to finish as well as study for an upcoming exam, so we will see! feeling good :))

[lovemesomesurveys]

SEVEN DEADLY SINS Sin 1: Lust 1. Who was the last person you checked out? Did they check you out too? It’s been a looooooong time, honestly.  2. Who was the last person you desired, but they didn’t feel the same? Ty. 3. Ever cheated on a significant other? If so, have you learned from it? No. 4. Do you watch porn? No, not my thing.

5. Do you masturbate? No.

6. Best physical features on your preferred sex? Eyes, smile, hair, jaw line, arms. A nice stomach is nice, too. 7. Who are some celebrities that you think are totally hot? Alexander Skarsgard. 8. Did you ever lust after a best friend’s significant other? How did it turn out? No. 9. When was the last time you had sex? I’m a virgin.  10. Ever pursued someone, even though they were taken? No. Sin 2: Gluttony 1. When did you last eat at a restaurant? What restaurant was it? IHOP a couple weeks ago with my mom after doing some Christmas shopping. 2. When did you last have fast food? Where did you get it? For breakfast on Christmas day we had breakfast sandwiches from Jack in the Box. 3. What was the biggest meal you had all day? Nothing so far today, it’s only 1:54AM.  4. Do you have too many clothes? How often do you go shopping? Yes. I need to go through and get rid of stuff. It’s something I need to do soon. 5. What’s something you have a LOT of? Clothes and giraffe stuffed animals. 6. Do you eat a lot? Not really. I should be eating a lot more. 7. What was the last thing you splurged (spent a lot of money) on? Christmas presents. I always get a little too carried away for Christmas, but I love spoiling my family when I can. 8. What do you spend most of your money on (besides bills and anything necessary like that)? Clothes and coffee. 9. Last time you ate candy? What was it? I don’t remember. I haven’t had candy in such a long time. 10. Last thing you ate too much of? I’ve had Wingstop and pizza from my favorite pizza place a lot lately, but I love it. Sin 3: Greed 1. Do you share things? How often? Yes. I don’t know how often? I share what I can, when I can. 2. Someone asks you for a piece of your cookie. You break it in half, but the pieces aren’t equal. Who gets the bigger piece? I always give the other person more of whatever it is we’re splitting. 3. When you see change on the ground, do you pick it up? Rarely. 4. How often do you lend money to people? I don’t get asked often. More often I treat my family to things when I can, but if they ever needed to borrow money and I was able to lend it, then I certainly would.  5. Do you loooove money? Unfortunately, it’s necessary and I’d be lying if I said I wish I didn’t have a little more of it.  6. If someone offers to pay for you, do you decline or readily accept? If it’s my parents or brother, I’ll accept. I feel comfortable enough to, and I pay for them sometimes as well. If it’s someone else, I’ll decline unless they’re really persistent about it, but I’ll treat them the next time. 7. Which of your friends is the wealthiest? I don’t have any friends. 8. Would you take a high-paying job that you didn’t really like just for the money and benefits? Not if I was just absolutely miserable.  9. Ever stole from anyone? What about stole from a store? What happened? Only when I was a kid. I thought the candy in the big candy bins was free. :X 10. Do you ever have enough money? My family and I have a roof over our head, food to eat, clothes to wear, bills are paid, and we have nice things. Things definitely get stressful, though. Some months tend to be harder than others, financially. I, personally, would like to have more of it, but I’m able to have the necessities.  Sin 4: Sloth 1. Last thing you procrastinated on? Life. 2. When you’re at a strip mall and the next store you want to go to is at the other side, do you drive over there instead of take a short walk? I usually just head over there, but it would depend on how far the next store is. 3. What’s a typical day off of school and/or work like for you? I’m finished with school and I don’t have a job, but a typical day for me consists of checking social media, watching TV, watching YouTube, Tumblr, surveys, and resting. Lately I’ve also been playing my Nintendo Switch because I recently got Luigi’s Mansion 3, which I had been wanting to play since it came out. 4. What’s one talent you have that you don’t really work on, even though you have the ability to be good at it? I don’t have any. 5. How many hours of television do you watch a day? It really varies. Most of the time it’s on for background noise more than anything, but it depends on the day and what’s on. I multitask, so I tune in and out to what’s on unless it’s a new episode of a favorite show.  6. What about the amount of time you spend on the internet a day? I’m always either on my laptop or on my phone doing something, even if just watching YouTube.   7. How many hours of sleep do you get a day? Do you sleep in late? Lately, my sleep schedule has been from like 4AM to 12-1PM.  8. Do you drive to places that are less than three blocks away? I don’t drive, personally, but yeah my family and I take the car everywhere.  9. When was the last time you exercised? Uhhhh. 10. Ever copied and pasted your homework from a website on the internet? No. Sin 5: Wrath 1. If you could kill one person and get away with it, would you do it? No! 2. Is there anyone you honestly and truly can say that you hate? Besides myself, no. 3. Is there anyone you want revenge on, whether you want to get them back big-time or just play a little prank on them for hurting your feelings? No. I’m not a revengeful person. 4. Are you fighting with any friends right now? Why? No friends, so no. 5. Last time you were really angry? What happened? Blah. 6. When you’re angry, what do you do to calm yourself down? When I’m angry I shut down and just cry. 7. “Hate is just the fear of loving someone.” true or false? I wouldn’t say that. 8. What’s the best revenge you ever got on someone? I don’t seek revenge. 9. Was there any hard feelings after your last break-up? On whose end was it on? He broke things off with me, and there was definitely hard feelings on my end. He seemed completely unfazed.  10. Ever been cheated on? How did that make you feel? No. Sin 6: Envy 1. Is there anyone you’re jealous of? Name a person and tell us why. This is the envy section and envy and jealousy are different things. I am envious of certain types of people. 2. List three physical features some other people have that you’re envious of (no need to get specific and name people; you can just say something like “brown eyes” or “having perfect eyebrows”). Blue or green eyes, nice, shiny, thick hair that styles well, perfect shiny white teeth, fit bodies... 3. List three personality features that other people have that you’re envious of. Outgoing, intelligent, witty, adventurous, driven and ambitious, talented... 4. Are you a jealous significant other? I’m single. 5. Could you date someone who was really jealous? No. If they’re the possessive and abusive type, then absolutely not. 6. What celebrity’s looks do you envy the most? All the gorgeous ones. 7. Do you think anyone is envious of you? In your opinion, what characteristics (physical and mental) do you possess that you think someone might be envious of? HA, no. 8. What are a few things you wish you were good at? I wish I could play the piano, sing, draw, be an adult... 9. Did you ever date someone, break up, and then see them dating someone very attractive a few days later? Were you jealous of that person? No. 10. When looking at a love interest’s exes, do you often find yourself jealous of their good-looking exes? It has happened. Sin 7: Pride 1. What’s something you brag about a lot (be honest–we all brag sometimes)? I’m honestly probably the most non-braggy person you’ll ever meet. There, I guess that’s me bragging about something.  <<< Haaaa, same. I have nothing else to brag about. Also, bragging isn’t a cute look anyway. It’s one thing to be proud of yourself and your accomplishments, but bragging is another level. 2. What physical features do you take the most pride in? None. 3. Are you satisfied with what you have? Some things. 4. Be honest… when someone is telling you something, do you often change the subject so it’s about you and your accomplishments instead? Nooo, I’m very much the opposite. I shift the conversation away from me and towards them.  5. Do you like talking about your achievements? What achievements? 6. Do your parents tend to brag about how well you came out? My parents like to share that I went to a good college and got my BA in psych. Sounds all good when just left at that. Too bad I haven’t done anything at all since graduating and that degree is just collecting dust. I don’t even want to pursue that anymore. I have no idea what I want to do. If I’m being honest, I don’t want to do anything. :X  7. Do you strive to be better than others? Do you think competing with others is healthy? Ha, clearly not. 8. What do you do better than most people? Nothingggg. 9. Do you believe in taking pride in things you can’t control (ex. being proud of your heritage, being proud of your skin color, being proud of your natural artistic ability)? Sure.  10. Who are you competing with right now (it could be anything–classmates for a grade, co-workers for a position, other girl for a guy, etc.)? I don’t feel Im competing with anyone. I’m not even in the running.

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 7 - “I wonder why you're not liked” - Nicole (& Ben)

Glad I sat out on that one - really didn't know anything Survivor related. Darcy's score of 12 is a huge shame, but gives me incentive to vote him out. He tried, he flopped, that's how it is. If it's me going this round, GGWP. 

Oh yeah! So, Nicole returned to the game.... Grrreat. It was probably the worst outcome I could have, but honestly, I don't want to dwell on it too long. With Nicole and Jacob both back in the game and Juls out of it, my fate looks worse and worse each day, as my list of allies continues to shorten and my list of enemies only gets longer. I feel very scared for the future, and rather trapped as of now, trapped between millions of possibilities, none of which have me doing very well. But hey, hasn't that been how it's been since Day 1 of this game? I started things off on Sonkei, a tribe so quiet I couldn't tell if I was running the show or on the bottom of everything until like 3 tribal councils in. A tribe where every new enemy I made would come back from the arena with a vengeance, and things only got harder. A tribe where I consistently lost challenges despite putting in my all. Then I got to nuMIraitowa, and my time here has been incredibly hectic. A bumpy road, to say the least. It's been a journey of gaining friends and then losing them, knowing people are lying but not knowing why, and just struggling to find the tiniest crack so I can get off the fucking bottom and just... SURVIVE. It's really been tough out here, and you can see the game starting to wear me down. My insanity is starting to come through in the main chats and honestly I've just lost all patience and tolerance that I had at the beginning of the game, the real me is beginning to show through. The one who lashes out, and desperately tugs at every heartstring possible, and says exactly what he's thinking without giving a fuck who's listening or the repercussions it might have down the line. Who makes everything public. I KNOW that these things are not typically good for my game, and yet, I just find myself so inclined to do them. Even though they've never helped me win anything, I can't help but be true to myself. I don't know, I guess I just feel frustrated. I'm at a place in ORGs where I feel so helpless, like I'm the victim of my own personality. I know exactly what's holding me back but I can't seem to just get past it. I guess I just keep hoping that one of these days, I'll play exactly true to myself, 100% me, and people will like that person enough to want to work with him or be happy to reward him a win. But it hasn't happened yet and I don't know if it can happen here anymore. I'm really struggling to push through. But, if there's one thing I'll never do, it's give up. Even when everything feels like it's caving in and I'm ready to just collapse, like I was saying earlier - no matter how much I want to do something, the real me ALWAYS fights back and does what it wants anyway. And the real me can't give up. Deep down in my core I always fight back, I always stand up for myself, sometimes even when I'm wrong. I just can't stand letting things go, and I know it's a character flaw, but hell, it's also a strength, and it's something I'm proud of, in a weird way. I don't want to be the player who gives in, never reveals anything, or plays it safe. I want to play it my way because if I don't, then how can I enjoy a win? How can I be proud of myself for winning if it wasn't ME that won? I have to win it my way, and sure, right now it looks difficult. VERY difficult. Maybe even impossible. But I'm approaching on the Final 16, and maybe, just maybe, a swap is on the horizon. Maybe new things are coming and maybe this entire game is about to reinvent itself for me. I've got allies in Jordan, Eve, Pete... potential allies in Caeleb, Ben, Sammy, Kevin... Maybe I could fix things with Emma. Honestly, who knows what's ahead. I'm very scared, partly, if that wasn't obvious by this big emotional confessional. But I'm also kind of exhilarated, this is exactly what Survivor is supposed to be and I can't wait for the next stage of the game. These are the Olympics, so it's go big or go home. Let's do this.

Hello again, this is Darcy here reporting with more confessing.  So, for starters, I still have yet to find something at the Olympic Village, which is really nothing new at this point of the game.   Now for the fun parts, my tribe lost Immunity, which not really surprising, since that kind of challenge I felt whoever had gold medal won that challenge.   So, we get to enjoy another tribal, where I am hoping for it to be Ben, since Ben is the one I trust the least, due to hearing about Ben wanting to come for me last round if I lost immunity, assuming that was a true tidbit anyways.   I have a feeling this vote could be between Ben and I, but here's to hoping Ben targets someone else and not me woo!   I do have enough trust in my alliance with Beck, Tommy and Karen though that us four should hopefully stick together to just take out the common enemy in Ben.   Then Ben may come back again with a gold medal, but if he does, I mean good for him.

I'm back, babes! Okay, so regarding my last confessional...I guess maybe I went a little too hard on some people. But, I was angry and validly so. Nothing much has changed even though I'm really good at faking forgiveness. About twenty minutes after I dropped in the FOUR AND A HALF HOUR PRESSURE COOKER, Sammy messages me asking to call!

I'm back babes! So as soon as I got back after the FOUR AND A HALF HOUR ENDURANCE, people were all of the sudden really happy to see me -- which was a LOT different than 24 hours prior! I talked to my best ally Kevin first, of course! I really hope at the end of the game Kevin's confessionals aren't like "oh geez and then I had to talk to Nicole, she's so annoying" bc I will be crushed, as a person he is just so nice and I'm so happy we have been given the opportunity to become friends from this game! So I talk to Kevin, then Caeleb and then...whatta know! Sammy! Right to the rescue, he wants to call after 1) voting me out 2) revoting me out. Now, long story short I made significant peace with Sammy through the phone call BUT something did happen that really did not sit well with me. While we were calling he said he DIDN'T want to apologize because we both did things wrong. Hm. Well, Sammy! Okay! I would have had more respect and less wariness of him moving forward if he did apologize but, he didn't. He kind of said like "ok so i know i lied about the advantages I had in this game and gave you nothing to trust me off of, got mad when you didn't trust me, then decided I was going to vote with Eve to get rid of you, revoted to seal your fate and called you out on a tribal call like 'if anyone wants to apologize now would be the time', but i don't think I NEED to apologize because, we were equally wrong.' Someone please explain to ME how exactly it is that we would be equally wrong when everything I did was to protect myself, and everything he did was because he had other people he could trust over me. Now that Juls is gone and he kind of showed his ass, he's now saying hey haha let's work together again though! I haven't decided if I want to do that, AND now I have a lot more options because people saw how kick ass I could be :) Speaking of the comp, it kind of grinds my gears that coming back in the last few messages before I entered again were Emma and Landen actively rooting against me. Landen, I understand. Emma...who even are you? Why do you hate me? lmao. Okay I may still be a little bit mad. Ben also as I'm typing this messaged me "I wonder why you're not liked", which is like hurtful but accurate. Anyway....I'm making at LEAST f15 now (bc my gold medal) so that's very fun, A+ content. I think we are swapping after this THANK GOD bc I have to get AWAY from this tribe. I hope I get to stay with either Jacob or Kevin, and maybe even get swapped with Jordan Pines or Karen so I can feel some semblance of security. I'll make a confessional about it next round bc :) im back :) hehe

anyway so this ugly ass tribe lost again. The only good thing to happen over the last few days is that nicole is back ugh I wasn’t ready to lose on of my allies skdjfkdjfj anyway so juls is gone and it’s down to me tommy Darcy beck caeleb and Ben, 4/6 of us are in an alliance and then there’s cae and Ben sjdjjddnjd obvs Ben is the choice to vote but also like bc it’s so obvious I’m scared that he’ll know and play an idol /: scares me bc I’m not 100% sure who he’d vote and he’s shown that he’s willing to vote for me at any moment so I’m just debating whether I should throw a vote at caeleb just in case to tie it or if I should let one of my alliance members potentially get voted out. Best case scenario if Ben plays an idol is that he votes for beck bc I don’t trust that hoe at all wkendkdndndn but yeah I haven’t had time to really talk to Ben so it’s prob too late to probe into his plans. Ugh I hope this tribal is quick & painless /: 

hello. confessional #472. i've survived another round so that's fun! i feel rly solid about the bonds i have with people right now so i know a tribe swap is incoming but that's for the best bc i'd rather not vote out anyone on yushu rn… so we'll see! 

Really mad I got voted out, feeling pretty betrayed by my tribe rn. 

I wish em didn't have to get voted out, but I'm pretty confident she'll fight tooth and nail to get back into the running..

Tribal just happened and we voted out Ben again in a unanimous vote. It was an easy vote I think either we are swapping into 3 tribes of 5 at Final 15 or 16, but if it's Final 16 the Gold Medal winner will be exiled. If we don't swap I think Ben will win the Gold and Beck the silver medal so we have a good chance of winning immunity incase there's another round before we swap. I'm really just trying to maintain get close to Caeleb because he's probably still skeptical about the whole Juls vote which I'm happy she's out because she's a threat but on the other hand she was so sweet it was sad she had to leave early. At this point I'm trying to maintain good relationships going into a swap and hope I get a good tribe that's strong and will leave me in the majority going into the merge. Also, at this point once Emma or Ben is officially voted out we'll be down to 9 returnees and 7 newbies so I really don't care if some of these returnees start hitting the road and going home. It's gonna come down to who wants to take me to the end and that's who I'm with. 

It's the end of the round, you know what that means? LAST MINUTE JORDAN PINES CONFESSIONAL TIME! It's america's favourite game show where Jordan Pines quickly makes a confessional at the last possible moment to not recieve a strike and tries to make his thoughts sound coherent. Let's Play! Whew this round was awful compared to every round so far in every aspect. First we get a challenge and I'm like... Oh Shit we can win this! and I work my ass of coordinating, doing most of the work for the tribe getting list ready in shit. And guess what it worked, we had the best scores over all and it wasn't very close... until you remember that each member of a tribe getting 20% on a challenge like this is basically a guaranteed win unless you are absolutely garbage. So we lose! Here we are and I have 4 people on my tribe including and I want to go far with all 3. Like I was at a loss. Not to mention the fact that I was having the day from hell where I could only be on for a minute like for the whole day. It ends up being emma and that fucking sucks cause emma is an icon. She has now won the duel and thank god I had some common sense not to blindside her and give her a heads up so that I can repair the relationship. Let's see how she feels about me tonight, but like I stand by it that I quote it here, in an ideal world i would go as close to the end with emma, shes iconic and i trust her a lot. I hope I havent damaged this relationship too badly! LET ME SWAP ALREADY!

I am tired of losing!! we’ve been attending tribal nonstop and it sucks. All these people are amazing. The vote was between Sarah and Em, Jordan was quite busy and didn’t care who left so it came down to my decision unfortunately. I decided em should go because I just don’t have a relation with her like I do with Jordan and Sarah. Luckily she won and is still in the game and got us gold <3 Jordan’s gonna try and do damage control with Em to keep her on our side. We’ve got a few advantages rn  and have been leading these tribals so I hope we stay in a good position. 

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[jkl-fff]

JKL I cannot stress this enough. ANSWER ALL OF THEM.

Heh. Why pick when you can just request all of them, right?Here we go, then (and thanks for the asks!)

Slightly Invasive Gay Asks

1. What’s your gender?

Hmm … Since I find the idea ofconceptual genders rather poetic (not recognized terms, but abstractdescriptions), I’ll give one of those: quirky and enthusiasticlanguage-literature-writing teacher who unironically uses a lot of Uncle Irohgifs and giggles like Scooby-Doo when someone make a particularly potent pun. Also, I’m a cis man with inclinations more towards non-toxic masculinity.

2. What are your pronouns?

He/His Grace, preferably, thoughI’ve no problem with people using Him or They/Them, I suppose.

3. Is your family accepting?

I’m fortunate enough to say theyare. Mom’s still worried about my spiritual and emotional well-being—about mefinding happiness, and worrying it might not happen like this—but that’s justwhat moms do.

4. What do you wish you could tell your past self?

Righteousness and Wickedness aresocial constructs propagated and perpetuated by authority figures to maintainan ideology which benefits them. So is “God the Father” (and Jesus Christ andthe Holy Ghost) as you conceive of them, or as anyone else ever conceives ofthem. You are *free* to do *whatever you want* so long as it doesn’t infringeon the freedom of others.

This means, boyo, that being gay isn’t a sin.Which is good, because you are gayer than a fruit bat. Just embrace it already,and you’ll be a lot more at peace with yourself and the universe.

5. What is your sexuality?

Hella gay,my dudes. Hella gay.If I wanted to expand further,I’d add placiosexual (I get off on pleasuring other people more than being pleasured).

6. Favorite color?

A deep and rich purple, like Tyrianor Imperial purple. Though I am increasingly fond of light pinks. And black is always in season.It’s funny, but as a kid I’d always say dark blue because I didn’t want peopleto think I was gay. Naturally, purple was the gay color, while blue was a safe“boy’s color” … for reasons … Isn’t heteronormativity absolutely silly?

7. Sun Gay or Moon Gay?

Moon, I guess? The sun is sogarishly bright. Even harshly so. But the moon is tastefully understated—just reallyelegant, y��know?—and also gentle and cyclical.

8. When did you find out your sexuality?

This is a rather difficult questionto tackle thanks to the cognitive dissonance imposed by heteronormativity … 

Onsome level, I *had* to have known since I started masturbating regularly (atage 13 or 14), because I only ever fantasized about other boys and guys. And I *was*aware of this on some level. However, the very idea of being gay was soinconceivable for a mormon boy (and socially stigmatized thanks to thepejorative use of the word “gay” to mean basically “stupid” from elementarythrough high school), that I refused to recognize it for years. Like, I was soinvested in being a good, mormon boy that I truly fully planned to follow themormon track of serving a religious mission for 2 years, marrying a woman inthe temple (big thing for mormons, that temple marriage), and probablyeventually having a kid or two (though I’ve never actually wanted to havechildren).

Ergo, it wasn’t until I was 19 and on a mission in France, working and livingnonstop with other guys (most of whom were quite good-looking AND had notrouble lounging around in their underwear when we were at home), that I couldno longer lie to myself. That was when I consciously recognized and consciouslybegan to struggle against “the burden of Same Sex Attraction” (as mormons insiston calling it) through “the power of faith” in Ja-eeee-sus Chrys’theLORD.

You can extrapolate from the present-day contents of my blog (and the abovesarcasm) how successful that was. Honestly, I’m rather surprised thepsychological distress such internalized and slow-toxic homophobia caused neverdrove me to take a leap of faith off a building at some point between ages 20and 25.

But those dark days were over when, at 25, I fell in love for the first time,and decided that there wasn’t much sense in being miserable, self-loathing, andlonely anymore. That’s when I started the process of coming out.

So … take your pick, I guess: it’s 13, 19, or 25.

9. How was your day?

Apart from sleep deprivationweighing me down (which is my own fault, as I stayed up late writing, then hadto get up early to lesson plan), it was grand! Went to work in the afternoonand got a good workout there moving freight, then went to teach my French classin the evening and had a ball while doing it!

10. Do you have any gay friends?

Bitch, at this point, I’m wonderingif I have any *straight* friends.Seriously, though, I do have some straight friends. But my closest friends areall openly queer in one way or another.

11. What’s your favorite hobby?

Taekwon-Doand writing.

12. Who’s the best gay icon in your opinion?

Garnet, anthropomorphicrepresentation of a now-married, WLW couple WHO KICKS ALL OF THE ASS BECAUSESHE IS MADE OF LOVE A N D  I T  I S S T R O N G E R   T H A N  Y O U,  J A S P E R!

13. Which Pride flags do you like the most design/colorwise?

Hard not to love the classic Gay Priderainbow, since it accessorizes with everything, though I prefer one thatexplicitly makes sure to include PoC, such as this one:

(Does anyone know who made this one?I saved a copy when I first saw it, because it’s fantabulous,but have never seen the post for it again.)

For the colors, the Bi and theTrans flags are quite lovely combinations, too.

14. Are you openly out?

You tellme:

Yeah, I wear this everyday becauseI got tired of people even contemplating the possibility that I might bestraight.

15. Are you comfortable with yourself?

More-or-less, and I think more thanless as time goes on. There are still bad days, but … once I understood thatbeing kind to people *also* means being kind to *myself*, it became a loteasier to become comfortable with myself. AND also easier to actually recognizeand work constructively on the parts of me I wished to improve.

16. Bottom or Top?

As a matter of principle, I striveto at least *be willing* to be verse—strive to never ask for anything I’m notwilling to give back, but … I definitely prefer to take charge and Top (evenwhen, or especially when, still giving manual or oral pleasure).Who knows, though? Maybe I just haven’t been topped right.

17. Femme or Butch?

Bold of you to assume I have aconsistent style.Seriously, though, im be Butch, I guess? I don’t really seek to present in afeminine way, so by default that make me Butch … Right? I dunno.

18. Do you bind?

Only myroot foot to strengthen it against a lingering ankle injury when I go to work.

19. Do you shave?

Only when I have to tidy up mybeard. No one shall see all of my face EVER AGAIN!

20. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be?

Right now, it’d be a coworker ofmine named Justin. He’s just … such an adorkable nerd with a really upbeatpersonality, and I find him very cute. And physically attractive, too. Like,damn, have you *seen* his assets? (obviously you haven’t, but trust me, they’requite pleasing assthetically)Unfortunately, he’s already married to another guy, who I hope knows he’sdamned lucky.

21. Do you have a partner (s)?

Alas, I donot. I’ve been somewhat unlucky in love.

22. Describe your partner (s)?

Hidden from me—hidden somewhere outthere, hopefully searching for me as I search for him … hopefully soon to crossmy path …

23. Have you ever dated anyone of the same sex?

I thinkabout 10 different guys. Obviously, none of them worked out.Some of them might have, but Iwasn’t ready at the time, and now it’s too late …  Oh well. Life goes on.

24. Anyone of another sex?

Technically, I suppose I’ve been ontwo dates with women. For the first (a double date) we were theoretically goingto a high school dance … but none of us were really into that when we gotthere, so instead we just drove around in her truck and made her stuffedpenguin heckle other drivers. The second was a few years later, and we went to a young, single adults gameevening after having dinner with her family. Annnnnd … that’s it.

25. Pastel Gay or Goth Gay?

I ain’tgoth, that’s for sure. But I’m not sure I’m pastel, either …

26. Favorite dad in Dream Daddies?

While I’ve never played the game,the most physically attractive one to me is the redheaded bear. Mostly becauseanyone else who might be physically attractive to me ruins the effect with amustache (THEY HAVEN’T BEEN STYLISH SINCE THE 70s, AND EVEN THEN THEY LOOKEDSTUPID!) or by being unrealistically sculpted (and I am *not* into that; I likemy men to look like they actually exist in the real world).

27. Tell me a random fact about yourself.

I have, like, over 20 neckties leftover from my mission days. I hardly ever use them anymore because I loathedressing up … but I have used them for some fun with other guys, and hope I getto do so again, soon.

28. Do you own any Pride flags/merch?

Just the rainbow bracelets picturedabove … and also a pair of rainbow socks, though those were actually procuredfor (not by) me … so I could officiate a *straight* couple’s marriage,ironically.

29. Have you ever been to a Pride Parade?

I’ve been to three. The first twowere … alright, I guess. Like, it was exciting to go to something so openlyqueer—so loud and proud—the first time (even if I had to hurry home for churchstuff for my little brother’s mission homecoming … let me tell you, that was a dayof extremes). And fun to go with my then boyfriend for the second.But … I dunno … There was a big crowd, and a lot of noise and heat (what withit being the middle of June). Introverted ol’ me wanted to go home—or at leastsomeplace quiet an cool—after about an hour, because the novelty had worn offby then.

The third, however …I was visiting my aunt in Washington D.C. That Sunday morning, we were walking tosome of the Smithsonian museums when we just happened, entirely by accident, tocross paths with the advancing Pride Parade. So we stopped and watched it for,like, half an hour … I suppose it was more of a March than a Parade,technically, which might be why it resonated with me more than the other twohad. But all the same …Here’s more on that event: http://jkl-fff.tumblr.com/post/161753611614/dc-pride

30. Any advice to someone who isn’t out, or who is exploringthemselves?

Two things: Go with what feels right for you. Your labels might or might not change, butyour understanding of what they mean for you definitely will develop and deepenover time (this is part of what “gender is fluid” means; it isn’t fixed and unchangeable,because *your identity* is neither fixed nor unchangeable). Be truthful enough withyourself to let it happen. Because in the end, the only wrong answer … is adishonest one.

Also, learn as much sympathy, empathy, compassion, and compersion as you canfrom your negative experiences. Like, it is inevitable that you will suffer inlife, so learn how to be aware of and kind towards the suffering of others.Exclusionists absolutely disgust me, because after suffering discrimination andoppression … they decide to put others through the same kind of needless pain.Gods above, life is hard enough as it is, so don’t go out of your way to makeit harder for others. Let your negative experiences motivate you to make sureno one else has to go through such bullshit ever again.

Thanks again! These were a lot of fun!

[slusheeduck]

Rule: Answer 11 questions and ask 11 more

UNLESS YOU’RE SLUSHEE.

THEN YOU ANSWER 44.

SO HERE WE GO, YOU MONSTERS.

@alreadyinmotion (I’M ONLY ANSWERING ONE SET)

Podcast/music you’re listening to right now? Well, RIGHT now I’m listening to “Celtic Music for Sleep,” but recently it’s been a lot of Elder Scrolls. For “Sonance” I listened to Mozart’s Klarinnettenkonzert and the MITJ soundtrack, including just Lisztomania (the theme version) for four hours straight.

You can have anything in the world to eat right now.  What is it? I just ate, so I’m not that hungry. But I guess I could go for some tonkatsu ramen.

Zodiac sign? Cancer.

What’s something you’re excited to do this week? GOING TO DISNEY TO TRY MY LUCK AT GETTING A MIGUEL MUG.

Favorite article of clothing? My oversized flannel shirts.

A food you want to try? Oden. God, I want to try oden so bad.

Favorite food when you’re sick? Plain noodles. Coincidentally also my favorite “It’s 3 am and I’m drunk and starving” food (if chips/fries are not an option.)

Favorite thing to do for others? Make them laugh.

Your best friend/sibling/S.O. wants to hang out! What do you do together? Best friend: Binge on anime. Sibling: Binge either Baking Championship or Real Housewives.

What’s something you’re proud of? Honest to god I am so proud of the fics I’ve put out for the Coco fandom. While I haven’t been ashamed of my fics, I’ve never been like HEY LOOK AT THIS I LIKE THIS THING I MADE before now.

What’s something you want to plug in and have people check out ;)  (Promote your OCs, AUs, webcomics, etc! Or your friends! BOAST, ALL YOU CREATIVE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE) Well, if you want an idea of what my original stuff is like, Wit reminded me today that I have my script Troubadour on my original works page. So, yanno, maybe check that out? I’m constantly ready to talk about “Hates Everything About Adventuring” Caena and Murder Goblin Edrys.

@im-fairly-whitty

1. What part of a creative project excites you the most? Probably writing out intense emotional scenes--any scene where someone breaks down into tears or, more favorably, explodes in a rage that becomes tears is when I’m at my writing peak.

2. If you could teleport anywhere in the world RIGHT NOW but could only stay for 45 minutes where would it be and why? I think I’d go to Paris. I love Paris a lot, but the whole travel aspect is not great. So if I could just pop over and get some bread or whatever, that’d be super rad.

3. Favorite animal. WHY ARE YOU ASKING HARD QUESTIONS WIT. Let’s say a penguin. Because I would absolutely be a penguin if I could.

4. If you where a dog what breed would you be? I’ve actually been doing a lot of dog research lately for reasons, and I think I’d be a shiba inu.

5. Favorite trait you value in a friend. Not being socially draining. It’s kind of a weird trait that is entirely based on my own perception of the person, but as someone who’s almost cripplingly introverted, it’s so nice to find people I can spend time with and not feel like I need to hide for a week afterward. 

6. Favorite season? Moodwise: Fall. Weather-wise: Spring.

7. Coolest injury/scar story you have (if you want to tell it). I dislocated my knee because I got too excited about a boy and I sprained my wrist in show choir.

8. What color would you paint your bedroom if you could choose? Honestly? Like a nice warm brown, maybe with darker stripes.

9. Favorite TV show. Right now probably Mozart in the Jungle.

10. Something you’re proud of? I ALREADY ANSWERED THIS I DON’T NEED TO BE PROUD OF MYSELF ANYMORE.

11.Superpower you would most want to have

Shapeshifting. I cannot express my frustration at having to look like the same person all the time.

@upperstories

If you could have any kind of pet with the means to care for it properly, what would it be? A lion. I freaking love lions.

Favorite time of day/night? There’s about five minutes when the sun’s setting, when it’s just dipped below the horizon, where the sky’s still lit but the trees and buildings look like black paper cutouts against it. That’s absolutely my favorite time of day.

Favorite color palette I’m a sucker for neutral, foresty shades. Greens are my fave.

Are you a swimmer or a sand-castle sculptor? I am a “Why did you want to come to the beach so bad, Slushee, you hate the beach and you know you hate the beach but you kept whining about how you wanted to ‘feel the ocean air’ and now you’re here and you hate it but you can’t go home yet because the drive would have been a waste so I guess we’re going to sit here and sulk for an hour”-er.

If you ever got to meet your hero(ine) what would you talk about? I’m terrible when I meet people I look up to, so I’d probably just stammer into silence and slam my head into a camera. That’s what I did when I met Lee Unkrich.

Clearance Aisle or Thrift Store? Both.

If you had enough money for the house if your dreams, where would you live and why? I’d live in a fancy loft in a hipster-y city. I’d love to check out Boston, but I don’t know if I’d want to live there. Paris is another good option, except that I’d have to speak French all the time. 

It’s raining like crazy outside. How does that affect your mood? TIME TO OPEN ALL THE WINDOWS AND LISTEN TO IRL RAINYMOOD.

Would you rather go on an adventure by yourself and make new friends on the way, or depart on an adventure with the friends you now have? I went on an adventure by myself, and it was a wonderful experience. I think I’d like to go on one of those again, but for now I’m very happy just staying home.

Favorite sound? Moving water. The sea, a river, the rain. So long as water’s moving I’m loving it.

Would you rather journey to the very bottom of the ocean or to outer space? Space is infinitely less scary than whatever’s going on with our oceans.

@calliopesquill

1. What do you wish more people knew about you? I wish more people knew how much I love pretty things. I’m a complete sucker for pretty things.

2. What place or thing in the world would you most like to see? Right now I really want to go to Japan. 

3. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? When I was REALLY little, I wanted to be a dentist. Then I became more sensible and wanted to be an actress.

4. What style of clothing do you think you look silly in? I look TERRIBLE in rompers. It’s a disgrace.

5. What would your alebrije be? (Yes, you can pick more than one!) My cat would absolutely be my alebrije, Pepita-style. Except grumpier and more demanding.

6. What movie are you most looking forward to this year? Uh...I honestly don’t know what movies are coming out. Wreck It Ralph 2 looks pretty interesting.

7. What is your favourite thing to cook? Onigiri’s pretty fun to make.

8. What is one skill you would like to learn? I really want to learn how to paint someday.

9. What book do you think everyone should read? OKAY THIS IS TOUGH BECAUSE BOOKS THAT TOUCH ME WILL PROBABLY NOT TOUCH YOU SO IDK.

I do think Ella Enchanted is a must for most little girls, though. That’s where I learned that main character girls could be angry and feisty and sarcastic, and it’s been a huge influence on all my writing.

10. What is your Hogwarts house? SLYTHERIN.

11. If you could dress like/make a costume of any character, who would it be? Is it cheating if I’m already making an Hector costume for Halloween?

OKAY NOW TIME FOR MY QUESTIONS.

You get to visit any historical time period. Where do you go?

You’ve switched places with your most recent favorite character. How screwed are you and why?

Come up with a catchphrase. This isn’t a question it’s an order.

What’s your usual soundtrack while doing creative things (or do you work in silence?)

What’s something you consider a guilty pleasure?

Tell us about the last book/short story/fic you read.

Talk about an animal. Just like, any animal.

What’s your favorite part about the medium you work with (art, writing, music, chemicals, whatever)?

Beach or forest?

What’s a style you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t been able to get the nerve/money to go for?

What’s a lyric that gets stuck in your head easily?

TAGGING 11 PEOPLE

WELL JOKE’S ON YOU GUYS, THE ONES WHO GOT TAGGED ABOVE ARE PART OF THIS QUESTION HELL.

JOINING THEM ARE @scribblrhob @lacendydreamer @seasidefanasties @humanityinahandbag @beckytailweaver @geod23 @white-throated-packrat

ENJOY.

[u-flower-u-feast]

♡TAG CHAIN♡

i was tagged by @harry-did-that  who constantly challenges me with the toughest questions and scenarios lol!!! Thanks honey!!💖💖💖💖 

im tagging @harryzayn​, @heliosfleur​, @haesthete​, @luvinari​, @anotherblackharrie​, and anyone else who wants to (i just finished this and im exhausted and can’t think of anyone else lol!!)

Rules: answer the questions given to you by the tagger, write questions of your own, and tag people!

🌸The questions I was given🌸

1. when and how did you become a fan? give me all the details and feelings hit me with that nostalgia! Tbh I was one of those snooty hoes who hated wmyb and was like “If they’re saying what makes you beautiful is that you don’t know your beautiful....... Then what happens when you finally think you’re beautiful??? They probably wouldn’t think your beautiful anymore” laskjdlkajslkdja!! But after faking like I hated the song, this girl in my science class came up to me and was like *Slams down some random teen mag with the boys on the cover* “Pick one!!”......... And I was like “Uhhhhh..... No thanks??” and she just kept getting on my nerves about picking one, she eventually said if i picked one that she’d leave. So I looked............. and I said *pointing to harry and zayn* “Either him or him” and she had the nerve to be like “No!!! You cant have him (Zayn) he’s mine!”........ me:

and since that moment of childish, superficial, decision-making........ I’ve been a dead hoe 4 harry.

2. whats ur fave 1d moment/memory? I’m blanking all of a sudden alksjdlakjslkdj!!! All I can think of rn is when harry almost died on 1d day tryna pull that cute ass stunt

Pretty much..... 1d day in general laksjdlkajls!!!

(Me too harry lol) Harry looked so divine??? So yeah lol!! 1d day for sure

3. if you were to fight harry how would you go about it

Sis........... I’ve been dreaming about this. In a perfect scenario, we’d be friends already so he knows that i’m fighting him with love from the deepest, darkest, coldest, crevices of my heart. So, it’d have to be a time when we’re just hanging out somewhere, preferably in someones (preferably mine) apartment/house. We’d be watching queer eye or something gay, and discussing what from this seasons gucci line we’re gonna buy. When all of a sudden i’ll go in for a random, friendly hug, and he’ll accept...............................................................To his DEMISE!!! CAUSE I would bite his ear (not off, just to clarify lol!! Just a nip lol!!) and go straight for his neck and choke him out alskdjlksjldjka!! He’d probably start panicking, but at this point i’d tell him how long i’ve been waiting to do this, and that i’m doing this out of love............ nothing but pure love. So when he blacks out and wakes up laid out on the couch, with me placing a cold ice pack on his head, he’ll probably ask me what tf happened....... So i’ll tell him the truth, and tell him that he fainted and started convulsing and that i had to call 911 (or whatever the emergency # is wherever we are) and they told me what to do over the phone; and that by the time they got there he had settled down and was fine, but i needed to apply a cold press to his head where he fell and make sure he has solid food on his stomach.😇😇😇

4. so like, if we had 1d (ot4/ot5 idc) locked in a room and given them truth serum slkdnlksdnf sorry for this au but, what 3 questions would you ask them (feel free to do more than 3 its been almost 8 years full of lies so)

I’ll give you one for each year of lies aksljdlakjslkd!!

1- What the fuck were Zayn and Harry laughing about on 1d day?

2- What is each of their honest opinions on the others??

3- Crystabel Riley....... Thats all I’ll say on that..... But I want the truth lol!!

4- Why tf Zayn had the nerve to say that he and Harry never talked???

5- The Infinity video????

6- If they hadn’t known Zayn was gonna leave, who would they truly want to leave the band????? Or! If they could sacrifice one of the others for Zayn to stay, who would they sacrifice??????

7- Did Liam really think that Japan would be hotter cause its “near Australia”??????? (a waste of a question, but a question i need to ask for myself lol!!)

8- And because i’m nosy and would never ever ask any other time or under other circumstances; Out of all of the people they’ve been rumored to have been dating/dated, how many have they actually dated? and which ones??*Mainly this is for harry, but i’ll ask the others cause...... you know.....

5. tell me some of your fave people on here (treat ppl with kindness spread love n all that look at me being a proper Harrie™)

I have a couple of faves lol! I love @harryzayn she’s amaaaazingggggggg even tho she tries me on a daily basis alskjdlkajsldkj!! Oh!! And her moodboards (x) are spectacular, she’s legit the reason why I started doing moodboards (barely lol!! I’m lazy y’all, but she's not lol!!)

@haesthete She always has amazing hontent and is very sweet and kindddddd lol!! And is always (in my opinion) on the right side of henny serious harry drama

@luvinari is an absolute angel who blesses my dash with harry and ariana and others i can think of rn lol!! 

@bluehydrangeia She fills my dash with my mother lana del rey, harry, and aesthetic!! That and I never fail to get more literature knowledge from her lol!

Theres a lot more, but when I’m put on the spot i blank out lol!! If we’ve EVER talked, or interacted you’re probably on this list too lol!!

6. signature scent/ favorite perfume(s)?

I don’t really have a signature perfume, but I like to mix cherry and vanilla body sprays lol!! That! Or warm vanilla honey/toasted hazelnut from b&bw  

7. please tell me a random fact or story about you, give me that Exclusive knowledge

Ummmmm....... My *tries to remember while sitting down* right side of my hip is double jointed lol!! That and i entered 2 different kinds of writing contest and won both of them lol!! Ya gurl is actually good at writing believe it or not alskjdlakjs!!! Bonus! I’ve actually gotten too deep in my feels a couple times and wrote fics for @harryzayn to read lmaooo!!!

8. money, body issues, and all that shit aside, what would your dream fashion aesthetic be?

..........Rianne you hate me lol!! I have about 50 aslkdjalskjdl!! So I’ll give you a top 5!

1- Rocker Chic

2- Simplistic Minimalist

3- 70s Kween

4- Eclectic Bitch

5- Rich Business Hoe

(Bonus!)6- Flashy young rich trophy wife having a night out

9. would you rather have: the cut bits of carpool karaoke like the mcdonalds drive through, audio’s of all the 70 songs harry wrote (yes including baby honey), the infinity music video, the 900 hours of unseen this is us footage, harry’s dunkirk audition tape, a recording of that alleged hour long zarry phonecall when zayn left, or a copy of nialls folder full of unseen selfies with his boys. you kno what im nice you can have two

You are so fucking rude rianne alskjdlkajsjdalj!! I’m gonna go with...... All 70 of harry’s hidden ass songs. And............. *has mini existential crisis cause i can’t choose between the zarry phone call or the this is us footage* I’m gonna choose the this is us footage cause that would be a lot more positive *whispers: but if you want to be a super nice, cool, amazing, totally unique, game changing, never replicated friend........ You’d let me take the zarry call too lol!! *

10. whats something you’re proud of?

*Thinks hard for about 20 minutes.....* Umm I think im proud of the fact that, any musical instrument i’ve learned (3-4) i’ve taught myself??

11. something you regret?

Being too nice to people who didn’t deserve that from me.

12. what bothers you? here’s a chance to… go off

People who have literally no musical talent, but feel the need to go on mile long rants about musicians/artist they don’t like and try to simplify any musical or artistic process like making (GOOD) music is simple and easy.

On the other hand, musicians with absolutely no musicianship at all, who get by based on looks or a really weirdly strong fan base despite....their....lack........of talent??? (Bonus trash points if they’re also just really shitty people in general)

People who feel the need to bring up negative shit in the middle of anything happy. Like??? We could all be having a party over harry painting his nails black, and they could be like “Why tf is his nail polish chipped already??? He was probably picking at it cause the devil jeff made him do it” Like????? Shut tf up cindy (Also this is a made up scenario lol!!)

...... Pms?? The thought of having to pay bills?? Taxes??? The government???? The patriarchy??????

💖💕✨🌻 so here’s my questions🌻✨💕💖

1. There are two types of people in this world. What are the two types?

2. If you had to lock away 3 of ot5 in an underground cave, who would you lock away??

3. If you could have a never-ending candle that smelled like anything you wanted, what fragrance would you want it to be?

4. An interesting au question i just though of lol! You’re chilling at home, when all of a sudden you get a call from Harry. You answer it only to find out that he has you on a party line with the other boys. They’re all panicking cause they’re having different emergencies and they all need your singular help, but they’re all in different locations 20 minutes away from you. They’re all convinced you’re their best friend and that you’ll help them first. You can only help 3 and the other two have to figure their problem out on their own, or face the consequences. Who do you help first, and so on? (and yes the bottom 3 will be mad at you. The person in 2nd place will be disappointed but they’ll eventually get over it.)

5. Whats your favorite *insert ur fave 1d member here* look?

6. What would be the scariest monster you could imagine?

8. If your life was a book, what would it be titled?

6. Quick! You just won the lottery, what are the first 3 things you buy?

9. Would you rather have: True love, but live in less than ideal conditions. Or Be rich, but be married to someone you despised?

10. Whats something you’re proud of?

11. Three personality traits you hate?

12. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?

[shakingsphere]

i just like doing these

1. Do you like who you are? no ive never liked myself very much

2. What would people say about you at your funeral? i don’t know probably something about being smart and honest

3. What would you regret not doing in your life? i dont like thinking about my past but many not trying hard enough the first time i tried to od...

4. What’s the wisest thing you have ever heard someone say? idk 

5. What lessons in life did you learn to hard way? it took me a long time to learn when to quit

6. How often do your biggest worries and fears come true? they dont and i take too much lexapro to worry these days

7. If you had one year left to live, what would you try to achieve? i’d probably just travel

8. Do you serve money or does money serve you? i don’t think about money a lot as long as i can buy nic and coffee

9. Are you afraid of being your true self around others? Why? no. i dont thinks there’s a thing as a ‘true self’ just different versions of yourself

10. What are you grateful for? financial stability and being able to go to college 

11. Have you done anything you are proud of lately? nope! 

12. Have you made any recent acts of kindness? i doubt it!

13. If you knew that you would die tomorrow, what questions would you ask yourself? i’d just go to bed no point asking questions

14. If your biggest fears came true, would it matter in five years from now? yes. 

15. How would you describe yourself? depressed. but funny and smart ig

16. Do you take people’s advice? sometimes but i think taking advice is hard because im so bad at giving the full picture

17. Do you get quickly offended? not really, it depends

18. Do you consider yourself to be a likable person? no lol

19. ‘We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give’ – What does this mean to you? hard work i dont know

20. Are you enriching the lives of others? i doubt it

21. Are you living a meaningful life? no

22. What makes a meaningful life? contributing something and being happy

23. Would you ever give up your life to save another? depends on the person 

24. How much would you be willing to sacrifice for people in poverty? what do you mean? i’d pay higher taxes and stuff

25. If you could live one day over and over again, what would you choose to do? i wouldn’t want that

26. Do you think you are important and worthy of affection and love? no. 

27. What would make you feel more worthy? What do you believe needs to be different about you? i need to stop being sad

28. What brings you down the most often? boredom 

29. Would you rather work less (and do the things you enjoy) and have less money? yes

30. Where do you find peace? sitting by streams

31. What is the most important quality you look for in another person? sense of humor

32. What is your biggest dream in life? to be successful and respected

33. What is your biggest fear? failure

34. How would the world be different if you had never been born? it literally wouldn’t. my parents wouldn’t have daughters i guess. 

35. What life lessons do you wish you knew 10 years ago? i was a child i needed to learn first. 

36. If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be? join the track team

37. If your life was a movie, what would the title be? bedtime

38. If your life was a movie, would you enjoy watching it? depends on the director

39. What does success mean to you? i feel like i already answered this

40. If you could be a different person, who would you be? yes

41. What was the best day of your life? Why? i dont know probably my last real date with my ex...

42. What do you look forward to most in life? being happy one day

43. What bad habits do you want to ditch? i want to start keeping my room clean

44. Who do you look up to and why? my mom, shes just really hard working

45. Do you know your partners love language? i dont have a partner

46. Do the people you love most know how much you love them? im sure they do

47. Are you satisfied with the depth of your relationships? yeah

48. What do you owe yourself? sleep

49. Based on your current day-to-day life, what do you expect to achieve in 5 years from now? a MA!

50. Do you say ‘yes’ too often when you really want to say ‘no’? Why? yes, i dont get offered things very often so sometimes i feel like i have to say yes

51. What did you learn yesterday? i think my childhood friend is hot and we like the same anime lmao

52. What do you like about yourself? im smart

53. Would you consider yourself to be a generous person? yeah

54. Do you really listen when people talk to you? yes ofc

55. What is the number one change you need to make in your life this year? ugh i should probably quite vaping but maybe start working out again

56. How many hours per week do you spend on the internet? too many

57. What are your most common negative thoughts? Are they logical? im literally suicidal 

58. Do you think it’s too late to do certain things in your life? Why? yes because they’re things i would have had to start when i was younger but thats not important anymore.

59. If you could be the most influential person in the world, what would you change? redistribute wealth probably 

60. How much time do you spend with your family and friends? like a few hours a week. im not very social

61. Where do you want to be in 5 years from now? the east coast :)

62. Is your life complicated by unnecessary things? everyones life is

63. How can you simplify your life and focus on the most important things to you? bitch idk

64. What stresses you out? my sister

65. What makes life easier? having stuff i have to do

66. How often do you give without expecting anything in return? occasionally 

67. What is your greatest challenge? mental illness luv

68. What is most important to you in life? Are you giving it the time it deserves? idk idk

69. If you could send a message to the world, what would you say in 30 seconds? i dont have anything to say to the world. maybe redistribute the wealth?

70. What do you most regret never telling someone? that i loved them. 

71. When was the last time you tried something new? sucking balls 

72. Are you afraid to speak your own opinion? no

73. Do you give into others too often and feel resentful because of it? no

74. Are you holding onto something that you need to put behind you? probably

75. How often do you let your fears hold you back? i dont

76. Do the people in your life bring the best out of you? some do some don’t

77. How often do you make excuses? i try not to

78. What is one mistake that you will never do again? dating someone who couldn’t really commit then

79. Which is worse, failing or never giving it a shot? never trying

80. What has grown you the most as a person – your challenges and trials or the comfortable yet enjoyable moments in life? the challenges

81. If you could choose to have no more challenges or obstacles in life, would you? no what a pointless life. 

82. In one word, what is standing between you and your biggest goal? time and hard work!

83. How often do you go to bed feeling angry? i dont

84. Would it be wrong to steal in order to feed a starving child? no 

85. If you paid more attention to the sad things in this world, would you feel more conflicted about it? no

86. If we learn from our failures, then why is it so bad to fail? because its a sucky feeling and its embarassing to want something and not be able to get it

87. What could you pay more attention to in life? my cats

88. Why do we think of others the most when they’re no longer around? sad maybe

89. What does it look like to make the most of your life? idk i’ve never tried. maybe ill start a vlog channel on youtube

90. What have you given up on? eating more than 2x a day

91. How many people do you truly love and what are you doing for them? 4 or 5 and idk not worrying them

92. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happy to settle for what you already know? i think asking questions is a good thing

93. What were you doing when you last lost track of time? tiktok

94. Do you think you would be happy if you never had to work again? i think i would be bored

95. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? a baby

96. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be? to be good at math

97. What inspires you in life? idk art

98. What can you not live without the most? water

99. What do you enjoy doing over and over again? sleeping

100. When did you last laugh so much it hurt? i dont know

101. What is stopping you from living the life you want to live? the actual life i live

[just-another-winchester]

My Supernatural Origin Story!

I know it’s getting close to the time where everyone goes to bed, so I wanna send you all goodnight messages in thanks.

I had no clue when I started watching Supernatural that I would meet so many wonderful people. I want to explain to you what happened, if you are interested, read on! If no, then that’s fine, there are thanks beneath the cut as well.

I will honestly be amazed if you guys don’t get bored reading this.

I am a strong advocate of sharing the love. And that is something I haven’t come in contact with a lot.

My family is not physically loving people, I am a person who enjoys physical love. And no, I do not mean sex, I mean hugs, cuddles, kisses. Stuff like that, and my family, they don’t do that, especially now that I am an adult, they think I shouldn’t need it.

I got my first job when I was 17. I was hired as a Crew Member at McDonalds. I worked from 11 am to 4 pm most days, the only day I always had off was Sunday.

I loved my job, I got along well with my co workers mostly, and the customers were generally not that bad. I was very new to the world since I had been home schooled most of my life, so I generally had a positive opinion of everything, even when I dealt with a rude or mean customer, I shrugged it off and thought, ‘oh well’

When winter came around I switched my hours to full time because I wasn’t willing to walk in the cold.I worked 6 am to 2 pm. I slowly became more and more exhausted, less willing to do things. Before I knew it winter was over, but I liked my paycheck, so I kept the hours.

The job and the people slowly began to weigh me down, I was always exhausted, and I didn’t want to do anything.

Finally, in March of 2016, my grandmother passed away while I was at work. I have never experienced a worse feeling than when my brother, who was working there as well at the time, came up to me and told me that my grandmother was gone.

My grandma was my rock, she was my happy place, when I went to her house, all was well with the world, I was allowed to be a child, I goofed off and had fun. It was grandma’s house, but it was home.

When she passed, that was when my world came crashing down. Anxiety and depression set it, something I had never dealt with before. I was always a cheerful kid, while my brother and cousins had a song that my grandma would sing to them, I had my own special song, You Are My Sunshine, because I was always happy.

After I lost her, that song was a bitter reminder of what I wasn’t anymore.

I finally ended up leaving the job on good terms after a panic attack. My GM had anxiety issues as well so she was very kind and understanding.

I began looking for a job after a few months, and it was a struggle to find one, no one was hiring, but I couldn’t go back to McDonalds. It was just too much stress, I needed to ease into something, not go back to what caused a lot of problems in the first place.

Finally, I came to a book bindary that had employed my older brother over the summer for the past three years as summer help for college kids.

I wasn’t in college, but I was hired on full time as a processor. Ya know the stickers, bar codes and such you see on library books? That’s what I did. Seems easy right? It was, for the most part.

The problem was speed. We had a quota, and for me, someone who needs to take her time otherwise I’ll screw up everything, that was problematic.

Is was here though, that I found friends. Good friends. I had my first ever girls night out with a couple of the women from this job.

This was the start of Supernatural for me.

I saw one of my coworkers wearing a shirt with the words Carry On My Wayward Son, and a sillhouette of Sam and Dean. I didn’t know about Kansas, but I had heard the song before, so I asked if that was the band.

Then, low and behold, the community gathered around! Okay, so it was only three people at the time. But it still counts!

They said it was a shirt for this show called Supernatural. I’ve always been interested in creepy sorts of stuff, so I asked what it was about.

After it was explained to me, I decided it sounded interesting. I was curious, and wanted to know more. 

I had been in the middle of watching Prison Break, and decided when I was finished with that, Supernatural was next on my list, because I was needing something to watch anyway.

A couple weeks later, I was fired. Unfairly by my opinion, and the opinion of all of my co workers.

They all found it unfair, my co worker Teresa, she trained me, she had told me for a fact that I was not the slowest person there, and the problem was, I was fired because they said I was just too slow.

I had been happy while at this job. But when I was fired, the depression set back in, I was sad, and discouraged.

Then I remembered Supernatural. I decided, I had plenty of free time, let’s check it out!!

I looked up a trailer for the first season, and... I loved it. I don’t remember my original thoughts or feelings exactly, I just thought it looked interesting. So I said Yes to the dress!

I found the first episode, and watched it, and before I knew it the seasons were flying by.

I’m a lot like Sam, but I’m more of a Dean girl, because there is nothing I love more than a big brother. Dean’s entire personality made me wanna cling to him.

I cried, I laughed, I got angry, I got happy. The show was my solace in a way, it made me happy, it made me forget the crap that was happening.

I had already been on a writing site, and as I was finishing the first season, I decided I wanted to roleplay. I created a character, that I, to this day, am very proud of. Her name was Hali.

Through this character I got out all my feelings, all my bad negative thoughts and emotions. I worked them through her, I became Hali when I was alone, I turned myself into her and used her to work my way through my struggles, through my hurt.

My first encounter with a member of the supernatural family was @blue-heaven-winchestergirl83. I roleplayed with her where my character was Hali, and hers was a nephilim named Kass, who was easily incredible.

I rped through the rest of my time watching, right up until the season 13 premiere, and I loved it. Carmine was and is my friend. She guided me through the beginning of my love of Supernatural.

There wasn’t too much love for the show there however. I wanted to read more! Especially, Dean smut. Cause I mean... come on, this guy.

And so, I searched on google for some links to fanfiction, it always led me to tumblr when I was interested in 5sos or 1d fics, but I had never been interested in tumblr, it was just... confusing to me. I didn’t understand it, and I am not fond of new things.

Finally, I read through all of @theinsandoutsofcastiel masterlist. OH MY GOD I loved it all, so I finally decided to start using it.

I had already created a tumblr previously, but hardly used it because I wasn’t much into what I had created it for.

I logged on, and we were in business.

I wrote a fic, that was honestly so many kinds of bad that I am probably going to end up taking it down and rewriting it. But with that, spawned something.

The first memorable encounter I had was with @impala-dreamer, I started following her cause I liked that she said Castiel was her patronous, I thought she was funny. Then I got through her masterlist and I decided she was also pretty damn cool.

I loved her and her work, so, one day I sent an ask, wondering if she would review one of my fics, and she did, and it gave me hope.

She helped me through a lot of things, she was patient with me, and kind to me. Even though I know I annoyed the crap out of her, because I annoy the crap out of myself.

With Beka, I learned a lot about tumblr, I became more comfortable with it. I joined a couple challenges, and that got me more likes and followers. She reblogged my fic, I believe it was about removing plastic from a turkey. 

I made a post, telling her about how grateful I was to her. And from that, came Amanda.

I don’t even remember how @amanda-teaches and I fully began talking, unsure which of us started it, but it doesn’t matter, cause Amanda, she’s my people. She is a constant ray of sunshine and I love her with all my tiny little heart.

She beta’s my fics, she helps me through them, she lets me rant at her about ideas, and she’s just so incredibly patient with me. She is still, and hopefully always will be, one of my closest friends.

@queen-of-deans-booty is another one I don’t fully remember meeting, I remember loving her so much, she was so sweet and I just loved her writing. I left her an anon ask, I was getting down on myself, and she was kind and patient with me, she told me it was safe to come off anon, and then, she allowed me to put her on my Dream Team, or forevers list.

She reblogged and commented on the first chapter of my series You’re Not Alone. I still read that on bad days, to remind me that I can still do good.

With that, came a flood of love. It spiked me to more followers, more likes, more reblogs. I was more noticed.

I don’t remember how I came to know @katymacsupernatural, but I will never deny it was one of the best things ever. Undeniable Heat was what I found of hers. I loved it, with all my heart, it was incredible and I immediately wanted in. Her story inspired me to write my imaginary world where Jensen and Jared are my honorary brothers, where Dani and Gen are my best friends, and where Misha is just a constant goof of a great friend.

I love writing it, even though Im not comfortable sharing it yet. Her inspiration to write it aided me a lot, she was so incredible, and then one night, she opened her inbox, and I pulled a full frontal attack.

I bombarded her with stupid little poems, goofy things and just me being a dork. I told her I was kidnapping the Winchesters, and for the next few weeks that was just our thing. It made me so happy. She was the first person I was comfortable not doing anon with, because she played along, and made me happy.

And thus struck up that friendship, which, wow... has done more for me than I can say. She and Amanda are what I call my butter pumpkins. And let me tell you, that it the highest honor.

Katy, you are constant and wonderful.

Since then, I have gained more than 200 followers, at this moment I have 243.

I was lucky enough to meet @becs-bunker, @sillesworldofwriting in a way through my fic called Just A Touch, which was a fic I wasn’t even proud of. I got such a roar of feedback from that fic, and it was at a time where I needed it most.

After that I met @thing-you-do-with-that-thing, and I love her to pieces because I see her and I see a strong, and brave person. She reminded me that you don’t have to take crap. She showed me how to stand up for someone, and for myself.

I don’t think I can say enough about the people who have helped me on this site. But to all of you who I have tagged, and will tag.

I’m sorry if I don’t have much to say about you, but you all mean more to me than I can say. Thank you for sharing the love, thank you for being there.

Thank you for helping me feel like family.

The #spnfamily, it’s one of the best things that’s happened to me. Through all the hate I have recieved today, I laugh at it, because I know I have all of you. So thank you.

@manawhaat @polina-93 @cassieraider @dizwinchester @babypieandwhiskey @nightlyinsomnious @cass-trash @ladywinchester1967

And anyone else I may have forgotten. I love you, your support is keeping me going everyday.

You will never know, how much it means.