#i did not care for izzy in s1 but now i would die for him

[cv-angels]

izzy hands jamie tartt

🤝

having a multi-season arc where they go from one of the most hateable characters to one of the most beloved

[subway-tolkien]

Okay, this is 1600 words of (positive!) meta regarding the OFMD finale. Included is character analysis and a treatise on why a certain trope people keep throwing around does not apply here.

This is of course just my take, and I'm sure people will disagree, but I needed to get this out. Apologies if it comes off disjointed, I've had like no sleep.

Spoilers within, obviously. You have been warned. Heed the tags. I didn't tag any characters because I consider it a spoiler, but you know who this is about.

Listen. Listen.

Let me start off by saying I have been where you are. I’ve had beloved characters die, either because it was important to the narrative or for shock value. I’ve been there, so I’m not coming at this without empathy. I’m not an Izzy hater. I loved him as a character. I’m truly sad to see him go.

But from what I’m seeing around Twitter and tumblr, some of you do not understand the role of an antagonist in a story.

Izzy was always meant to die. The moment he said, in the first season, “the only retirement we get is death,” I knew he was meant to die in the end. The foreshadowing ran through both seasons. Izzy was the true antagonist of S1. He was there to keep Blackbeard tethered when he started pulling away, and yet he also set the plot in motion. He inadvertently introduced Blackbeard to the person who let him be just Ed. He put Ed on his own path to redemption without even knowing it.

S1 ended with Izzy getting what he wanted as Ed lost everything he had. S2 was about Izzy coming to terms with the fact that he’d gone too far, he’d turned Ed into a monster. It wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted Blackbeard back, just like old times. Instead, he got the Kraken, and it was more than he bargained for.

Especially after it cost him his leg and he realized how far gone Ed really was. The conversation that ended with Izzy’s half-assed suicide attempt was the final blow to Izzy—Ed really didn’t seem to care anymore. Where Izzy wanted him to stop giving a shit about his silly boyfriend, he instead got a Blackbeard who didn’t care about anything, and he was apparently now included in that category.

(I said half-assed suicide attempt because Izzy wasn’t meant to die then, THAT would have been an empty, pointless death. It wouldn’t have taught Ed anything—in fact, all it did was make him more self-destructive, which was Izzy’s purpose to the narrative, but not his endgame. That Ed thought Izzy killed himself pushed Ed to the brink. Ed wanted to die and take every scrap of Blackbeard with him. Had Izzy successfully killed himself, Ed and the Revenge would be at the bottom of the ocean.

It wasn’t until the crew left Izzy the unicorn leg that he realized the power of compassion, the incredible act of grace from a crew that suffered so much from Izzy’s own machinations and didn't need to forgive him. It moved him to tears, and it moved him to accept that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to let people in, to let himself be cared for. It was a foreign concept and something Izzy likely hadn’t experienced since losing his family (I fully expect a shit ton of fanfic of Izzy’s life before piracy).

Israel Hands found the capacity to let love all the way in and by god, did he pursue it.

But, again, Izzy was always meant to die, and I’m glad they stuck to the narrative they set out with instead of placating fandom and letting our influence dictate how they told this story That’s never good, trust me. Fandom should not influence a creator’s decisions regarding their own characters. It rarely if ever ends well.

[Stares in Voltron S8]

And I see a lot of people out here throwing the “bury your gays” phrase around—I beg you, please look up the definition of the trope. Izzy didn’t die because he was queer, he didn’t die because of his disability. He wasn’t one half of the only queer couple in the show fridged for shock value. He wasn’t killed off due to pressure from conservative viewers. He wasn’t the only queer, disabled character.

They didn’t kill off Lucius, or Jackie, or Wee John. Would you be as outraged if it was any of them?

Killing Eve is bury your gays. Supernatural is bury your gays. Pretty much any film, book, TV show, whatever, where a queer character dies because they’re queer, of AIDs, to further the narrative for a straight person, etc—that is burying your gays.

Izzy’s death was none of those things. Izzy’s death had meaning.

Izzy’s death freed Ed from the Blackbeard persona. It finally forced Izzy to say the things he couldn’t say until he realized it was his last chance. Izzy was also tired. I honestly think he stuck it out for Ed’s sake, because he was afraid to let Blackbeard go without making sure Ed would be ok.

He loved the idea of Blackbeard, but over time, he learned to love Ed. He finally understood what Ed tried to tell him the whole time.

“Fuck off, you twat. You’re surrounded by family.”

You’re safe. You’re loved. You don’t need me anymore. You don’t need to be reminded of who you’re capable of being, you need the people who will guide you to who you will become, and I’m not one of them.

I know a lot of Izzy fans are stung by his death, some of you are deeply upset. I get that. Like I said, I’ve been there. Sirius’s death made me throw that fucking book across the room. That Fucking Woman™ killed off my entire OTP, purely for shock value and, imho, a direct response to shippers. Trust me, I have felt betrayed by a creator for their decisions.

But I need you to understand that no, this was not a personal attack, this was not malicious, this was not “bury your gays." A show that celebrates queerness and diversity is not suddenly homophobic and ableist because your favorite character died and happened to be both of those things. But when the majority of your cast of characters is different in some way, and they’re in a show about 18th century pirates, you have to accept that one of them could, in fact, die. “Anyone Can Die” is also a trope and the more accurate one to describe E8.

If only being queer and disabled made you invincible.

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

And no, I’m not an Izzy hater. I loved him, I loved him as an antagonist, and I loved his redemption arc. He was fascinating and Con put his whole O’Nussy into that part. I’m sorry to see him go, but as a mystery writer who often has to kill off beloved characters, I understand that he served the purpose he had from the beginning.

I swear, if some of you had your way, there’d be no conflict at all in any form of media. This what a steady diet of nothing but fanfic gets you. This is not a fluffy one-shot with magical healing dick and a happy ending where everyone sails off into the sunset. If that’s what you wanted, what you headcanoned, you did this to yourself. It’s not David et al’s fault that we took that character and babygirled him. That’s the risk we take when we decide to love a specific character, when we take a genuinely terrible person (in S1) and woobify him.

So, please stop harassing and attacking David, Alex, et al. David did not and should not change his story to placate us. The fact he went ahead with it despite the backlash I’m sure he expected makes me respect him as a creator even more.

Anyway, I’m going to revel that we have three (!) queer relationships with happy endings where one or both didn’t immediately die (again, the actual definition of “bury your gays”) and that we got at least two seasons of a little show that celebrated individualism, diversity, queerness, compassion, and love.

In the end, it all came down to love.

“There he is.”

Goodbye, Blackbeard.

Hello, Ed.

[girlbossblackbeard]

i know we're all still reeling from the confirmation that stede has ALWAYS known ed - past the rose-colored glasses of falling in love with someone (or just the idea of someone) - and stede proves he knows how ed's mind works when he asks izzy point blank what they did to ed, but. i cannot stop thinking about s1 ed not being able to look stede in the eye as he says "you were always gonna realize what i am" before leaving with calico jack because he was so terrified of the judgement he'd see in stede's eyes. he revealed a less-than-ideal (but comparatively pretty benign) part of himself to the person whose opinion he cares about the most and was too afraid to stick around to see if/when stede would finally reject him for not living up to the standards that ed thinks stede deserves. he'd rather leave the person and the place he's felt the safest and most alive around in YEARS than stick around and watch stede lose interest or show signs of disappointment with ed.

and yet.

we now know with actual proof that stede not only never judged ed for his past, nor did he just gloss over any erratic behavior/violent reactions he witnessed from ed during their time together in favor of keeping an idealized image of ed in his mind, stede understood ed on a profoundly deeper level than practically anyone else in the whole world, with the exception of izzy, ever did. stede was so intimately aware of the exact kind of person ed was and what his thoughts and behavioral patterns were that he knew without a shadow of a doubt that there were only two fates for ed if stede didn't reach him in time: he was either gonna watch the world burn or die trying.

[blue-b-bro]

Izzy and the candles

(kinda about Izzy's arc)

So I’ve finally sat down and looked closely into the candle scenes and after analyzing them, I’ve came to the conclusion, that they’re about the state of Izzy’s feeling towards Ed, how he deals with them. (if you have other ideas please share)

Let’s look at the scenes, shall we? (it's Izzy's POV, not what I think about his actions)

S1e3:

- He's not interested in meeting. - What? - 🕯️I explicitly told him… Blackbeard desired his company.

- But does he know who I am?

- Seemed to, yeah.🕯️ - And still, he said no. - You can "go suck eggs in hell" was his response, I believe. - Fascinating.

Why at that moment? Well, I think he didn’t lie, or at least he didn’t think he did. So he’s not punishing himself or anything. It’s about the whole conflict in s1: Izzy desires Ed’s company, wants Ed to desire his company. Izzy thinks, he knows Ed, but it turns out, he doesn’t know him so well.

He’s burning his hand by getting too close, just like his possessiveness ultimately only hurts him and Ed in the process. His feelings are so intense it’s actually destructive.

S1e7:

“🕯️Bonnet comes along, and he's like, "Oh, Oh, Blackbeard, I really love... I love the way you dress. I love the way your hair, your beard, and all that." I tell ya, I would've ripped his fuckin' head off. And I would have had him, too, I would have had him…🕯️”

And what is he doing just after that? Making a deal with the English. Proving that his selfish desire only makes it worse for both of them: Ed leaves him, Izzy made him work for the king.

S2e5:

Now, we need context. After Ed’s visit in s2e2 Izzy realized, that his selfish actions harmed not only him, but actually Ed too. That he was actively helping Ed kill himself, that Ed expected him, to just go with the plan, because he was his boss. That he was a bad first mate, because he almost killed his captain instead of protecting him, and that his way of love was bad, because it made Ed so miserable. So he metaphorically killed his old self (by trying to actually do it), stopped Ed, freed from his orders, and saved the crew.

He kept it mostly together until the crew was saved by Stede and then, there was nothing for him to do, no use for him. He may have did that big gesture to become his new self, but that didn’t erase his regrets. He felt responsible for Ed’s state, felt it was his fault for not doing his job, for making Ed hate him, for being useless, everything mixed in one miserable mess. He expected the crew to just let him die from overdrinking, because why would they care? They’re safe now, they have Stede. When the crew made him the new leg, he decided to give himself a second chance, stops drinking and tries to find a way to be of use (see? He didn’t get over it at all)

In e5, right after Ed’s apology (“And whatever that nasty, dark stuff was that brought us here, it's in the past. Which is all I want to say, at the end of the day, is we're trying to move the culture forward.”) he starts whittling the shark. The whole episode is about moving on, but Izzy doesn’t do that. He just buries his feelings deeper.

“Well, this is a pirate ship and I'm a pirate, so, yeah. I'm good with it.” He tells himself that that’s how it is, just like Archie said: “They get away with it and we move on”. Izzy doesn’t expect any apology, doesn’t think he deserves any, but he’s still hurt, he’s still unmoored, without any clear direction in life.

- So this is where all my candles went. And you've used the good ones. - Yep. I'm having to relearn the basics with one leg. [🕯️] - The basics? I think my basics might be a bit more basic than your basics. Actually, it recently occurred to me that... - That you know nothing? That you're a shitty Captain, yeah? - I don't know about that. But Blackbeard did say he credited you with a lot of his skills. - Yeah, well, Blackbeard says a lot of things. But what did he say about me specifically? - Well, specifically, he said you taught him everything he knows. Made him the Captain he is today. Perhaps I could learn at the feet of one of the greats. - Foot. - Oh, yes, foot. Sorry. - Ya know, maybe I could teach even you a thing or two.

“I'm having to relearn the basics with one leg.” He’s basically saying he’s starting anew. He decided to forget the past, to kill his feelings for Ed, all that hurt and sorrow and guilt, just move on.

“Don't know what you're talkin' about. A shark did this. Dangling my legs over the side of the ship. Served me right, too.” It was all his own fault, so he doesn’t need any apology. It was to be expected, so there’s no need to feel hurt or betrayed.

S2e8:

Izzy was telling himself it was his fault he got treated like that by Ed, it was just how pirate’s life worked, everything's fine, but at the same time Stede was happy, grateful and nice to him all episode, showing him, that no, it doesn’t have to work like that, it didn’t have to work like that. His relationship with Ed didn’t have to look like it looked, he could have had better relationship with Ed, if only he let him.

In e6 he’s drinking again.

they both know it’s not about the weather. it’s about Ed’s feelings, Ed feeling it was all too nice and something has to go bad eventually. And Izzy’s on his new track, trying to keep Ed in this better place, the one he so desperately tried to get him out of in s1. He now knows his relationship with Ed and Ed’s life was so miserable because of him, and he tries to fix it, to help Ed get rid of bad habits.

Izzy probably didn’t know how to respond, having mixed feelings about it since he was all about how it was his own fault and Ed apologizing actually contradicts it, forcing Izzy to acknowledge his suffering that he so strongly tried to repress.

“Turn the poison into positivity” it’s kinda like a response to s1e5 where Izzy was opposed/shocked by open culture on the Revenge and now, knowing his old ways were wrong he actually stops, asks what’s that about and tries himself. Izzy sings about looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses, and I think it’s about him wishing Ed and Stede well.

Izzy decided to focus on helping Ed and Stede in their relationship. He realized he was the reason for Ed’s unhappiness, it was him, who made him worse by trying to keep him to himself, and so his own feelings don't matter. His feelings for Ed don't matter, his love doesn't matter, and that’s why he’s all helpful, but at the same time looks tired. After Ed leaves Stede, Izzy finds him at the bar, (always with Stede when Ed isn’t around). He tells him he thinks they’re good for each other, comforts Stede, is ok with talking about their feelings for Ed. He tries to protect Stede from his auto destructive behavior post breakup (not just going along, like with Ed).

Now we’re at e8 finally:

- 🕯️Can't believe I have an audience with the great Israel Hands. That's absolutely astounding. I've always thought you were underrated. I mean, it's absurd, isn't it? Isn't it? That Blackbeard, he gets all this praise, when you are quite clearly the brains of this operation?🕯️ (playing with fire in a safe way, calm) - Ya don't know the first thing about piracy, do ya? - Don't I? - It's not about glory. It's not about gettin' what you want. It's about belonging to something when the world has told you you're nothin'. It's about finding the family to kill for when yours are long dead. It's about letting go of ego for something larger. The crew.

“when you are quite clearly the brains of this operation” Izzy feels responsible for all the bad things that happened to Ed, for his unhappiness. He wanted to follow and serve Blackbeard, not to replace him. He and Ed created Blackbeard, why would he want to have something that was already his? When Blackbeard got all the praise, Izzy was proud. The only praises he needed was those from Ed. (I don't mean he didn't care about being respected by others but appreciated)

“It's not about glory. It's not about gettin' what you want. It's about belonging to something when the world has told you you're nothin'. It's about finding the family to kill for when yours are long dead. It's about letting go of ego for something larger. The crew.”

It’s about Izzy abandoning his selfish desire to be with Ed, to have Ed’s full attention, to have his love, and focusing about caring for others, for his family (Ed and the crew), about their happiness.

And you know what? I think it could’ve been Izzy’s idea to go with Ricky, to be on the front line. That’s very like him and I don’t see other reason for it. The crew is protective of Izzy, it wouldn’t be their idea.

- Ed, I'm sorry. I've been terrible to you. - No, I'm sorry. - No. - What are you apologizing for? I should be the one who's apologizing. - I fed your darkness… Blackbeard. For years, I egged him on, even though I knew you'd outgrown him, but the truth is… I needed him. Blackbeard... it was us. You, me.

I’m happy he said that, I’m happy they finally talked. I’m happy Izzy finally said out laud how unwell he is inside.

bonus:

(⚠️ here comes finale criticism, you’ve been warned ⚠️)

But him dying there was as if Ed died in e5! Oh, he realized his mistakes and started to fix them, but still is very messed up inside. That’s Ed in e5-6. And somehow he got to live after apologizing to Fang, hmm? Yeah, it was very in character for Izzy to get himself killed for Ed, to apologize for his great crimes of *checks hand* misunderstanding, being confused and selfish and being in love with Ed. Understandable. Ed can realize he’s actually worthy of love and forgiveness, but Izzy isn’t? Izzy would agree, but that’s not the point. He wasn’t on the arc towards healing. He was on the arc of realizing how bad of an influence he was and then dying . He was marinating that thought since s2e2. How fun.

Like, yeah, he realized he was selfish and fixed his wrongdoings. But he also thought he was worthless and, ekhem, defiled his captain with his love, wait where did I hear that...

[jaskierx]

I’m still just so annoyed that I couldn’t even appreciate Izzy’s death when I first saw it cause all I could think of was how the fandom was gonna become unbearable. The moment I saw him got shot I was hoping and praying he wouldn’t die not because I care about him but because I didn’t want to see the fandom turn to shit (well, to more shit than it already is)

Despite that I’m still happy with how it turned out. I was so worried they weren’t gonna address how awful izzy was to Ed and that the only mention of it would be the “you and I did this to him” line. And it wasn’t!!! And the “there he is” parallel from s1 really got to me :) I’m happy in the end but MAN watching the scene first time round was so stressful

ngl i cannot relate to the first bit lmao. i was so relieved when he died bc it fixed most of my complaints with the season. he apologised to ed. we got recognition that izzy actually had been in the wrong all along. it became clear why he'd been getting so much screentime and why the writers had had to speedrun his redemption arc.

and as much as the canyon side of the fandom has become even worse since the finale aired i'm at least glad in a way that they've become more visible? like it feels like people who hadn't properly encountered the canyon before s2 suddenly started seeing their takes and being like 'oh shit those guys are quite something huh'

and yeah it's really bad that they've got to this point, the racism and ableism and abuse apologism and their persecution complex is a real problem and has caused people to consider leaving the fandom, people feel unable to talk about izzy bc they're worried that the canyon will get on their back. but i'm still holding out hope that eventually they'll get sick of devoting hours of their life to a show they now supposedly hate and will fuck off somewhere else and we will be free to enjoy an izzyless and canyonless s3 😎

[carrymelikeimcute]

a character death is not automatically bad writing just because you didn’t want that character to die (likewise a character death isn't good writing just because you wanted that character to die/were ambivalent about their death - that's why good/bad are subjective).

his arc did get an ending. narratively, it was a satisfying ending (in your opinion, obviously OP doesn't feel that way and neither do I) for a side character (a side character that people claim was the main antagonist of s1? And the cause of all the terrible things Ed did in S2? sounds not particularly side to me...) that had had a significant arc across s2 about change and self acceptance (to me, self acceptance is something you gain and then use to make your life better, this is like saying someone overcoming depression and getting hit by a car is a complete arc - accepting yourself isn't the end, it's the journey imo)

izzy was an antagonist (I debate that he was only an antagonist, especially as a % of time spent over his screen time) who had a redemption arc and died to allow ed to move on from the blackbeard persona and to symbolise the end of the golden age of piracy. (where we differ is whether we think he NEEDED to die, for Ed to move on, and we didn't actually see him stop being Blackbeard in the finale any more than he 'stopped being him' any of the other times he cast off that identity. Likewise, the destruction of the republic also symbolises the end of the golden age of piracy...multiple pieces of symbolism could have been used in place of killing Izzy off).

it’s okay to be sad that he died. (thanks for the permission) it’s okay to not be interested in s3 now that he’s gone. but the fact that you cared about him this much in the first place means that the writers did a really good job on his characterisation (writers can do something well, and something else badly, also I would argue that Izzy's characterisation exists as part of fandom and not just canon).

when people are saying that his death made sense and was inevitable, they’re not pointing out that all humans die. yes, the writers could’ve let him live to 100 years old and die in his sleep off screen. but if we’re playing that game then tolkien could’ve made mordor really easy to get to or made the ring harmless (I mean, this is just hyperbole, but if you need me to say that 'letting Izzy live' wouldn't fundamentally destroy the bedrock of the narrative, then I guess I'll say it. Seriously, is he a 'side character' or is he as important as the ring in lord of the RINGS??? make up your mind).

writing choices are for the benefit of the story, not the characters or the fans (and Izzy dying is, in my opinion a shit story. To use your LotR reference, it would be like Frodo leaving Sam to die three feet from mount doom, because 'his arc was finished' and 'he'd done what he was meant to do as a side character')

(also @canonically47 your OG post was really good and I'm sorry it got highjacked).

i think what a lot of people fail to acknowledge about OFMD is that izzy’s death wasn’t ‘beautiful’ or ‘necessarry’ or even ‘a part of life’ - it was just a poor writing choice.

if izzy was a real person, his life, of course, would have ended in death, like all of us. but he is a character, and characters don’t always need to be shown dying, because they can simply get another ending. we know they will die one day, but in media, they can get endings to their arcs before our eyes.

so, after everything izzy went through, he still would have died one day, yes; it just shouldn’t have happened on-screen. and as badly handled at that.

[normal-thoughts-official]

more malec livewatch, everyone! i decided to start making the posts separately instead of keeping reblogging the same one over and over because i don’t want to drive everyone crazy with that gigantic fucking post. you can read the first ones here and i’ll keep updating the posts to lead to the next ones i guess. also im tagging it malec livewatch for those who want to avoid this nonsense

so let’s brave pre-wedding episode 12 i guess

oh boy.... we’re gonna do it... we’re gonna experience the Maximum Cringe

the special effects are so BAD odaijsdoaj when he summons the wine into Alec’s hand it’s just...... god

“we never finished our conversation” i mean you were the one who finished it magnus so wtf are you going on about

“it’s about family, tradition, honor” yeah we get it zuko boi duoahsiudhdiusa

really tho like he’s so clearly just.... reciting it. taking some shit out off the top of his head about how it’s the right thing and it’s sad tbh

he clearly kinda already has a script too? like “you and I understand marriage very differently” he says it right off the bat, he’s been thinking it over and hghgghgh

magnus goes near alec and alec swallows immediately and magnus ain’t even making a move to touch him yet. just diuahsdah it’s so obvious how hard he’s trying to hold back here

“you’re confusing me” is like the only thing he says the whole scene that sounds genuine

he’s paying so much attention to magnus’ dumb little speech about what love feels like too like. he’s trying to hold back but he’s very clearly pulled in, and i don’t even think it’s by magnus specifically (i mean obviously cuz have you seen him) but because he... kind of wants to hear it, kind of wants magnus to give him some golden argument that will make his whole resolution shatter. except he doesn’t because he doesn’t know what he’ll do then, but he’s still hoping for something and it’s sad

like how magnus clearly pauses like he’s waiting for alec’s reaction too, like. alec makes to leave and magnus doesn’t go after him, but he speaks, and alec stops. only when alec stops he gets closer. only when alec looks at him, clearly waiting to hear more, does he begin to talk again. i dig that even if most of this scene is kinda ugh to me

i hate how he uses his magic tho like what’s the point?? like yes i know that magic “can’t create feelings” but still dauhdsa it kinds feels like he’s cheating or trying to manipulate alec or something and i’m.. not into how the whole thing is done

oof hate how alec says “this is all just a game to you, isn’t it?” like bitch you know damn well it’s not like he’s putting himself at risk and showing you so much vulnerability and i hate how he goes for the whole “oh magnus doesn’t care about anything he’s just a seductive lothario” narrative in here lowkey. like i know he’s just trying to distance himself and he doesn’t fully believe it but... aaaaa i hate it

and he’s so HURT by alec’s words too like the rejection doesn’t hurt him as much as hearing alec say that he just flirts and it means nothing to him does. he’s trying so fucking hard to be open and honest and taking such a RISK (psychological, emotional, even physical) and alec is just throwing all of that bullshit persona he’s actively trying not to hide behind in his face, belittling all his efforts and feelings, and aaa

like again i don’t really blame alec but he truly is so hurt

still wonder what alec was about to say when he turned around to talk to him and magnus wasn’t there anymore tbh like. probably something else to try and distance himself so it’s probably good magnus left and isn’t there to hear it and it kind of forces alec to really think it over to himself instead of trying to argue but...... i do wonder what he was going to say diahsiduahdisah

magnus doesn’t even answer the whole “this means nothing to you” veiled accusation which.... also hurts like idk if he’s trying to avoid a fight or derailing like alec clearly is trying to, or if he just is too tired to have this argument, or if he just doesn’t want to open up this much, but either way he doesn’t acknowledge it except for his hurt look and oof

no one cares about jace and clary talking or whatever’s happening here next

i had never noticed the way magnus winks at clary when he says “oh, it’s happy hour somewhere, my dear” daishdaiuh it’s kinda cute tbh

hodge is so uncomfortable like the way he talks to magnus and gets too close to him... in a way that he doesn’t with anyone else either like he’s clearly just lowkey despising him/getting into his space and magnus notices too and it gives me the heebie jeebies

diuhaiudsahduaishdai magnus’ IMMEDIATE reaction of “why is ragnor fell there, he’s not more powerful than me” asohdaiudha we stan bickering bffs i truly love them so much

“he’s older than you” “certainly not wiser” daiohsahda

i think he might also be lowkey trying to protect ragnor and take the clave’s attention away from him now that i think about it but still i love their bickering

nah that’s cancelled he immediately rats him out on having been jocelyn’s profesor lmaoo

“that’s why he hasn’t been responding to my fire messages” daoihdsaiohads someone needs to lick their wounds

he’s just like “oh ragnor is hiding in his specific safehouse outside of london” like daoiusduaihdasuda love how he just knows that off the top of his head when ragnor clearly didn’t actually tell him about it since he just fucked off and hasn’t been responding

“didn’t know you were here” “that was the point” doaiuhdasiouhdaiuhdas

like i know he’s talking about the marriage but also.... just mood in general tbh

again with the eye flickering. hes looking at magnus, no hes not, yeah he is, haha SIKE, oh there it is again, nope it’s gone..... kinda funny cuz like i know that alec’s eyes flicker a lot in general but afterwards when they are together every time he looks at magnus it’s just so pointed and intense and focused on him so the contrast of watching the s1 scenes and realizing how little his glances at magnus always lasted is... interesting and heartbreaking. like obviously he doesn’t want to be looking at any man for too long, doesn’t want to take that risk, keeps hyper aware of his attraction at all times, but he still can’t help the glances and then when he can look he just does it so unapologetically and intensely and you can tell that it’s just. intimate to him (to both of them really) right then, and wow

i know we talk a lot about alec’s Big Hands but magnus’ hands are so nice too in like a totally different way... anytime he holds anything it just looks like he’s treating it like it’s precious, it’s so delicate and careful and his hands are smooth and pretty and wow i love him so fucking much

wow can’t believe nothing heartbreaking at all happens when they go to ragnor’s house and that ragnor just winks at magnus like “haha yes i am ‘dead’” and magnus is like “yes, this is a lie and a ruse and also a plan. i am perfectly aware that ragnor is not dead at all”

ragnor says “my dear friend, i will always be here for you” with so much honesty and love and ugh i love them like they’re always little bitches to each other but they still have the room to be perfectly loving and honest with each other and i stan

ragnor looks at magnus with so much fucking hurt when magnus says “i prayed she would love me the same” like you can tell it destroys him to even remember it or think about it and aaa

“he was always so much better looking than you” and the way magnus purses his lips in what is clearly a smile like he just knows it’s the teasing and he loves ragnor and their dynamic and i just daouhdsauida also he’s so beautiful boy i die

the way ragnor says “someday, someone will come and will tear down those walls you put around you and around your heart” and magnus looks at him with so much. fucking PAIN in his eyes because someone did but it got nowhere and in the end alec just kind of acknowledged his walls again and went back to pretending that it never happened and that magnus didn’t progress or open up to it at all, that magnus was just lying, that it’s just a game and dauhdaiudha god he’s so HURT

again i owe harry shum jr my entire life like he might be seriously the best actor i’ve ever seen in any show, he’s so damn expressive and talented in every little motion he’s truly a pearl in the desert of shit that is this show

“even in death, you give the best advice” ugh love how this really cements that magnus is used to opening up to ragnor and even with their bickering there’s so much room for them to be emotionally honest like we stan

anyway sure wish this had any emotional continuity whatsoever but at least the cringefest is over. onto an actual good scene fucking finally

love every little detail about this scene as yall probably already know so i’ll try not to point every single one of them out yet again but who knows if i’ll succeed. i bet that i won’t tbh

love the contrast between alec looking so tense when lydia comes down the aisle and she’s like all smiles and shit

she’s before him and he can barely look at her like his eyes flicker a bit between her and the bouquet and he settles on the bouquet this whole thing is so... wrong so clearly, like i could show it to someone who doesn’t know shit about sh and they would be able to tell that nothing fits

even alec’s clothes are weird, like idk i don’t understand fashion but his look looks so disjointed, like the blazer doesn’t really match the pants, the bowtie looks weird and doesn’t match the buttons, and shit and nothing about him looks like it’s in the right place. and everyone else (except maybe izzy who also looks miserable lmao) looks like a perfect picture and he���s just.... idk there’s this aura of wrongness around him that’s subtle but really well done in the terms of costume and shit. the costume department really went off in this whole scene honestly like we stan. possibly the only ones other than the actors who knew what the fuck they were doing lmao

when lydia smiles at izzy and izzy barely moves up the corner of one of her lips dajdasnjdan she looks even more miserable than alec does and god i love the lightwood siblings so much like i truly do. she’s supporting him because she’s decided she’s not going to keep pushing him when it only leads to him not trusting her but she’s all broken that he’s broken, and she was willing to take his place and throw her life away even when that’s everything she’s always tried to avoid, just so he wouldn’t have to do this, and aaaaa

who cares about jace and clary looking at each other @directing team like seriously get over this

he turns in the direction of the silent brother in an almost kind of jerking motion like he completely forgot about where he was supposed to go or something, like again he’s just... not in it

they are holding hands in the WEIRDEST possible way too like there’s so much distance between them it’s almost funny ldaojsja

he tries to smile at lydia when she’s about to put the rune on his arm like he knows she knows that he’s hating this and he’s just bearing it and trying to not make her uncomfortable? like doajdsaoj

the way that magnus INTERRUPTS not just the wedding but also the chorus, you could tell there was a crescendo coming even if you’ve never heard the song, but magnus pushes the doors open and suddenly it stops and there’s this little bit and then the “tututututu” of tension as he comes into view and his steps perfectly match the three little beats that were already there before, but sound so much louder and more prominent like a heartbeat, like before they were muffled and now they’re real??? the poetic cinema bro

ill just never get over the way they used song here it sounds like an AMV like the song isn’t just giving the vibe, they are telling the story THROUGH the song and the whole scene is basically a coreography, and the song is the narrative, and holy shit i love it so much could you imagine if they had used this amount of thought and genius and clever storytelling the whole show?? i’d shit myself

ugh the DRAMA of magnus’ look again i KNOW i’ve been over this again and again and again and again and again and again but i just. i love how they used his makeup & costume to accentuate magnus’ 1- face, 2- eyes, 3- jaw, and 4- adam’s apple. the whole focus is on his face and eyes (which again so expressive we stan harry shum jr in this house), the fact that his eyes are his WARLOCK MARK (yeah they’re not out but like we’re still drawing attention to the part of magnus he tries to hide the most, and the part of him that marks what makes him disdainful to shadowhunters), the fact that his jaw and adam’s apple are so prominent. his whole face looks really sharp and masculine you know?? like the whole focus is on everything about him that’s supposed to be “wrong” and make malec “wrong” but he’s never looked more beautiful (IT’S SUCH AN UNDERRATED LOOK) and they didn’t sacrifice his gnc-ness for it either, on the contrary, they gave his hair the hot pink streak which. INSPIRED WE STAN, and the makeup is very clear (again esp around his eyes) which of course only adds to it because he’s not just a man, he’s a gnc man and that makes it “worse”, but also like, i like how they accentuated his masculinity in alec’s coming out scene, without sacrificing his identity and gender non conformness. again the costume department is the only one who genuinely knew what they were doing 100% of the time i hope they all got big fucking checks

alec just blinks and focuses on him and it’s the first time it looks like he’s really looking at something and i just wow

izzy is so happy to see magnus there :) she loves her brother so much :)

magnus holding up two fingers to get people to shut up... the way he snarls “maryse, this is between me and your son” with so much certainty and like no room for bullshit he’s so good at making shadowhunters too speechless to stop him and honestly im such a whore tbh if he did this to me id just nut on the spot. shut me up daddy. fuck who said that

like how they included the “i’ll leave if he asks me to” and how he really doesn’t say anything, he’s just standing there, like they made sure to make this scene respectful and i was kind of dreading it the first time because i’d HATE it if magnus had outed him or made this whole drama out of it but he didn’t and i like that so so much

“i thought we were doing the right thing, but... this isn’t it” always gets me and i can’t even put my finger on why. it just does like again this is not really about magnus or their relationship, it’s about how he feels about the whole thing, everything that he’s giving up and he barely knows what for anymore, and i justjfianfajf

again the BRILLIANCE of the song usage the way that he’s talking to lydia and the beat is so damn loud and overwhelming and then as soon as he turns to magnus everything just drowns out and there is one (1) piano note and it’s just him and magnus and it’s like everything silences??? he’s just so damn focused and it’s not the nervousness and loudness of everyone else and their whole audience (they don’t even show the audience anymore after alec turns to him for real and before the actual kiss i don’t think) and there’s just that sharp focus and certainty because alec’s made up his mind and there’s no sound anymore like mwaaahhh poetic cinEMA

and it’s just that moment of clarity as they both look at each other and the song begins again with the higher tempo again, but it feels more like, a march? than that overwhelming noise. and of course there’s the singing and it feels like everything has purpose and is just laser focused and it’s still intense but in a completely opposite way, not lost but found and wow im such a whORE for this scene it’s unbelievable

like how alec takes the first step towards magnus after he’s down the stairs exactly as the song goes “want” like mwaahhhhh brilliance amazing talented showstopping spectacular never been done before completely unique,

his “enough” is dajksdfahidasdhadusahuash again im a simple sub id nut

i was right they only really show the audience again after the kiss. except for maryse but even then it’s so quick, we see her going to alec and after alec says “enough” she literally doesn’t show anymore it’s like she’s not even there, she just disappears it’s so sexy we stan??? like again alec’s made up his mind and nothing else is there to stop him wow love that for him could you imagine thinking this man is shy and insecure? can’t relate

THEY ARE SKIGGNISNGG

FOREVER A WHORE FOR THE WAY MAGNUS CHASES AFTER HIM HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THE WAY HE’S SO LOST IN THE KISS, IN THE ELATION, AND HE JUST CAN’T HELP GOING FOR MORE BEFORE HE CAN STOP HIMSELF AND KEEP UP WITH HIS TIGHT COMPOSTURE (because magnus had barely moved once alec had seen him, he just stood there and waited like he was waiting for his cue, he was holding himself perfectly steadily and just had so many walls) LIKE HE JUST CAN’T HELP BUT WANT?? AND GO FOR MORE?? AND THEN HE REALIZES ALEC IS PULLING AWAY AND HE LOOKS AT HIM FOR A SECOND (and his eyes look so DIFFERENT, not like there’s a wall there, he looks relieved and happy and even kind of dazed and i just wow the difference is SO clear) AND ALEC LOOKS AT HIM AND HE TAKES JUST A FRACTION OF A SECOND BEFORE HE LEANS IN AGAIN, AND IT’S THE FIRST TIME THAT MAGNUS HAS ASKED FOR MORE AND ALEC’S GIVEN IT, BECAUSE ALEC HAS BEEN GIVING HIM SOME OPENINGS BUT EVERY TIME MAGNUS WANTED MORE HE TURNED AWAY, BUT THIS TIME HE FUCKING GIVES MAGNUS WHAT HE’S SILENTLY ASKING FOR, HE’S CHOOSING HIM FULLY AND NOT JUST ENOUGH FOR THEM TO BE ABLE TO BE TOGETHER, HE’S CHOOSING TO GO ALL IN AND KISS MAGNUS UNTIL HE’S SATISFIED AND HOLY SHIT THE POETIC CINEMA!! THE TALENT!!! THE BRILLIANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SHADOWHUNTERS CREW FOR PUTTING UP YOUR FIVE TOTAL BRAINCELLS TOGETHER TO MAKE THIS FANTASTIC THING HAPPEN HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS SCENE IS EVERYTHING TO ME 

a bitch needs to lie down i think that’s all for today

next part

[whydidntyoushoot]

shadowhunters s1 is terrble, how to make it better, one thing that deserves more attention, MY opinion & perspective

This is a LOOOOOONG post.

I only watched shadowhunters months ago and now I’m rewatching it (don’t ask me why). I shall say s1 story is just terrible. The writers ruined Clary’s character and got Jace’s motives so wrong (and that’s what made him “an ass”). The build-up of Clace is not convincing. Parabatais fought each other for superficial reasons. People’s different views towards the Clave should have served the plot better. I blame show writers 100% for these. They missed the point, and made what they cared about the most—romantic relationships, go in the wrong direction.

Upon finishing this post I find it to be Jace centric, so no tags for other characters. In case you’re reading, hope you can understand my English :p

Notice that all potential criticism here is meant to be directed at writers. You may consider quitting reading if this post makes you feel uncomfortable. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate any of the characters.

Hate is such a strong word for me to use. I do hate the Clave tho

I don’t want to spend too much time on Clary. I’ll just put it like this: after losing her mom, she has the right to feel shocked, scared, lost and helpless. She can sit down and cry, she can ask for others’ help. She was supposed to be traumatized, but I don’t see that. The script made her someone selfish, impulsive and thinks she knew better than anyone around her although she had become a shadowhunter only for days. Others were offering free help but she didn’t show gratitude and was always like “I have to find my mom I don’t care this I don’t care that I only care about my mom you must help me with this you have to listen to me blah blah blah.” To me it looks like an everyday style, so I can’t take her misfortune seriously. And, for so many times, I see no consistency in her emotions. One example is her kiss with Jace before she set out for Simon in ep09. She was worried about Simon, but all of a sudden she became all flirtatious and was kissing and talking about “us” with Jace. Maybe “a kiss from your lover makes you strong”, but no, I can’t see that in that scene. I just can’t.

And writers forced this Clace thing on me. No hate, I’m not interested in romantic relationships, I accept them as canons, although I don’t see why. Sometimes I can appreciate ones that are well-depicted, but unfortunately Clace isn’t a good one to me. not in s1. When I got to s03e22 for the first time however, I remember I was genuinely pissed when seeing that Clary had to lose her memory of the shadow world. I mean they love each other so much why can’t writers just let them be happy

Next it’s Jace, the Clave, Alec, etc. It’s mainly Jace, to be honest. 

a common remark on Jace: 

“JACE IS AN ASS. HE CHOSE CLARY OVER THE OTHERS TREAT ALEC LIKE AN LAPDOG PUT IZZY’S LIFE IN DANGER AND RUINED THE NAME OF THE LIGHTWOODS OH HE ISN’T A LIGHTWOOD AFTERALL“

The script is such a mess, but I really can’t deny that he chose Clary over anyone else and mistreated Alec. I love you buddy, but you could have done better. If only the writers had put less emphasis on his feelings for Clary, he shouldn’t have been that annoying. But all this “he put Izzy’s life in danger and ruined the name of the Lightwoods” thing is just the script being way too misleading. Will talk about these ones by one.

For s1 it’s basically the Clave, who represent the interests of the majority of shadowhunters, fought the Circle/Valentine. But on the Clave’s side, people hold different views. Alec was the type of person who played by the book and paid his unconditional loyalty to the Clave (they don’t deserve it btw) to the point that he lost his judgment. I can’t blame him since he’s the eldest son of the Lightwoods the royal family, he had to sacrifice himself for his family and the authority. Jace, on the other hand, didn’t have such a burden. He would fight the Circle, but he NEVER trusted the Clave. However, the reason why he fought the Circle seemed to be and only be his feelings for Clary. Well, he could have had better reasons.

I thought you knew it, writers

But you didn’t.

In the books I remember Jace was convinced that Michael Wayland was murdered by two circle members, this made a desire for revenge reasonable. But in the show, they put things vaguely at the beginning. Watching ep02 alone, I don’t know if /Michael died in a revolt as a circle member and Jace accepted it as some sort of sacrifice/ or /Michael died in a revolt of the Circle as an innocent shadowhunter/. It was not until ep10 did Jace say “Valentine killed you” and Michael was confirmed a circle member. So it’s neither the case, Michael was a circle member and Jace believed Valentine killed him, that’s still a good reason for revenge. But wouldn’t it be better if they made it clear from the start and let it be Jace’s primary motive, instead of telling us how he was willing to do everything for a girl he had just met? He felt for Clary, wanted to protect her, help her, fight the Circle/Valentine for her AND himself (Don’t tell me losing a dear parent is something trivial). If the writers did this, Jace’s failure to kill Valentine in ep11 would also be more understandable (I’m not going to elaborate on it). Revenge > empathy/love at first sight is a more appropriate way to address Jace’s motive. He could have been a protagonist who fights the villain + avenges the death of his father + protects the one he loves. But the writers made him an arrogant ass who was blinded by his feelings for Clary. 

Also I have to mention the famous line in the books “to love is to destroy” here. In s1 it’s nowhere to be found, writers used “emotions cloud judgment” as a substitution. They brought it back in s2, which I think would have been better if they introduced it in s1. The falcon story is supposed to be a painful lesson Valentine taught Jace that shaped his worldview, Jace is supposed to be confused about love, there should have been an inner struggle. He couldn’t have fallen in love so easily, not to say being all noisy about it. s1 botched that concept. 

How the writers vaguely dealt with Michael Wayland’s cause of death:

Is he even talking about Michael here? I thought the revolt is the Uprising? It should be. But Michael died ten years ago, the Uprising was like, 20 years ago? or maybe he just didn’t want to talk about details? I have no idea. 

How they made Clary the only reason Jace stole the Cup:

I have no words.

Alec was with the Clave, Jace was not and had never been. This is mentioned, but not stressed enough. They weren’t on the same side from the start. I can’t deny that “Clary risked everything to find it”, but using it as an excuse to betray your brother is just lame. Letting Clary hand over the Cup to the Clave is still a valid request tho, since Meliorn said Clary had the Cup. But Jace didn’t really need to distract Alec with her here, he could have used “we” instead of “she”.

Despite that he did’t trust the Clave, strangely, he was somewhat loyal to the Accords. He wouldn’t let the Clave imprison Meliorn for no reason and rescued him from Alec’s hands. He never wanted to hurt downworlders, not until Imogen made him head of the institute in s2 where he blindly followed his only relative Grandmother for a short period. Notice that this had nothing to do with him stealing the Cup. I don't think these two things happening at the same time are related. He could rescue Meliorn without stealing the Cup. Talk more about Jace’s view about the Clave, will you, writers? He’d rather die than hand over the Soul Sword to them in s2, how much do you think he despises them?

The Clave themselves had the intention of break the Accords lol what kind of regime is this. They were just so useless and hypocritical. In ep08 they didn’t even care about what Valentine was doing but only believed that the institute was at risk, so they blame the Lightwoods... I just can’t bear with the fact that such a regime was still in power.

This is when the Clave decided to imprison Meliorn and shadowhunters were taking different sides:

Then the Clave arrested Izzy because she had THE relationship with Meliorn, which made her the suspect. But do you remember what the Clave’s real motive was? They wanted the Cup. Arresting Izzy was extortion. Jace had no choice but hand over the Cup to the Clave. He did so.

I mean, before Jace stole the Cup, who knew the Clave would do that to Izzy? And what did Izzy thought of the situation? SHE WANTED TO PRESERVE THE ACCORDS AND SAVE MELIORN. Not relevant, but Izzy and Jace were both on scene trying to persuade Alec and Lydia. Alec was on the Clave’s side, he had no choice. But he blamed Jace for risking Izzy’s life was totally uncalled for. Just because a character is annoying doesn’t mean that whatever he does is wrong or the character who opposes him is always right. In fact, you trust or distrust someone is not something right or wrong. The writers made Alec think that Jace risked Izzy’s life to stole the Cup is the most ridiculous thing I can think of in s1. Why was everyone so blinded?

Just, fuck the Clave first, then fight the Circle. 

And Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood used to be members of the Circle. They betrayed the Circle prior to the Uprising so the Clave absolved them. When the Circle made a comeback, however, they were again a pain in the Clave’s ass. If anyone ever ruined the name of the Lightwoods, it starts with Robert and Maryse. The Clave was just finding excuses to trap them. 

I would say different positions people take in s1 worths more attention. But writers just keep distracting viewers with the unbearable love of Clace. 

Also the parabatai fight. They fought because of a girl, which doesn’t make any sense to me. I thought it was clear that they were’t on the same side and that should be the main reason, but writers kept inserting “Clary” here and there. Clary was important to Jace, but Alec didn’t seem to be in s1, that’s the problem. How can viewers like a character who treated his brother terribly while putting his heart into a girl he knew only for days? I mean who doesn’t have “selfish” moments at some point, but if you go too far it’s a problem.

Actually, I think writers had 1 moment of excellence:

Yet in the fighting scene, parabatais were talking about Clary. Alec blamed Clary, and Jace wasn’t happy about it, so he pointed out that Alec used political marriage to cover his “true feelings”... really Jace? really Alec? is that what you think? You don’t have better reasons?

Their reconciliation is also rushed. AND THEY WERE STILL TALKING ABOUT CLARY FFS. For one brief moment, writers made Jace aware that he and Alec fight because they took different positions, but they never do the same to Alec. Alec always believed that Jace was simply risking everyone everything for Clary, from ep01 to ep11. All I could see is that he didn’t even know why they were fighting. They didn’t really talk things out. I don’t know how Alec just accepted Jace’s apology and everything went back to normal. What is “what I thought is right”? Writers never bother explaining it.

By far that’s all I can think of.  In conclusion,

Jace could fall in love, but love shouldn’t have been his only reason for everything. Because first impression is too important, no matter how much you reveal his dark past and make him suffer in s2s3, it will be hard for viewers to acknowledge his struggles, making it even harder for him to be a generally liked character. 

some irrelevant opinions 

Personally I think s1 is absolutely the worst of all 3 seasons. it focused toooo much on romance, and the main couple wasn’t that likable. I heard a LOT of viewers here on Chinese online communities said they didn’t even finish s1 because they thought shadowhunters was a badly-written Mary Sue love story lol and they only watch Malec cuts. lolololol

[angsty-nerd]

Fictober #6

I really didn’t think I’d get there today... with all the RNM content coming out of NYCC I’ve been just overwhelmed today. But I decided late this evening, since I took tomorrow off work, to give it a try, and now here I am with 45 min to spare! WHEW!

#6. “Yes, I’m aware. Your point?”

Roswell, NM fanfic

Gen, post S1. Rosa & Liz Ortecho, Kyle Valenti, Isobel Evans, Michael Guerin

Liz was always trying to be perfect. At least, that was the teenage Liz Ortecho that Rosa remembered. Her hair was always perfectly straight, often pulled back to ensure that it stayed out of her face. She never broke the rules, always did her homework, and got perfect grades. On her worst days, Rosa found Liz to be tedious and looked for ways to poke holes in her perfect image. There were a lot of those bad days. Too many bad days.

On her better days, Rosa knew that her sister was destined for great things. Better things. Roswell, New Mexico would never be able to contain a force like Liz Ortecho. She was guaranteed to leave this sleepy town. She was going to change the world.

Rosa didn't quite know what to make of the real Liz Ortecho. She was still a force of nature. Rosa had watched her cry and fight, heartbreak and anger all mixed together when she saw Max's body. But once her initial reaction was over, she rubbed the tears from her eyes and went straight to work, stripping his clothes off and smearing his body with silver goop from head to toe.

This is a Liz Ortecho who thinks fast and isn't afraid to get her hands dirty.

It wasn't long before Izzy and Michael Guerin came running into the cave. They both froze at the scene in front of them, but Liz didn't even let them react.

"Help me get him in the pod!" she ordered.

"Liz…" Michael started, but she wouldn't let him speak.

"Don't argue with me. I have a plan. We need to get him in stasis. NOW."

And that was it. There was no more arguing. Izzy and Michael just moved to Liz's side, and the three of them worked together to lift Max's body and push it into the pod.

It was like the fight went out of her once Max was settled in the pod. She fell to knees in front of the pod, the tears slipping from her eyes again as she reached out and pressed a hand to the pod's surface.

Michael and Izzy just stood and watched from a few feet away. Tears were running down Izzy's cheeks as well, but Michael just looked stone faced. Rosa shivered at the cold, angry look in his eyes. Something felt wrong with him, but she didn't quite know what.

Rosa stepped past them, pulling the blanket tighter around her body so that she could lean down and try to extract her sister from her position of mourning in front of the pod. Thankfully it worked. Only a soft nudge from Rosa and Liz was back on her feet, hugging Rosa tightly. Rosa could feel as her sister's breathing began to settle, and finally, when she seemed calm enough, Rosa quietly asked, "Why don't you tell us about the rest of your plan?"

Again, Liz wiped her face clean before turning to the others. "Michael, can you move the pod with your powers?"

Michael narrowed his eyes, and for a second, Rosa thought he was going to say something rude. Instead she leapt to the side with a frightened gasp as the pod lifted up in the air a few feet and started floating towards the cave exit.

"No problem." Michael called back to Liz.

"Good. Load him into your truck and take him to your pod cave. Noah said that his pod was defective, which is why he went insane and started murdering people. I want Max out of that pod and into one of your functional ones as soon as possible."

"Good call." Michael agreed.

"Isobel, Rosa… help me pack up anything remotely useful or alien looking in here. We'll take it with us to the other cave. I never want to see this place again."

As they were bringing their last load to the car, Rosa noticed something in Liz's car just kept ringing. Like a little Christmas bell.

"Do you hear that?" Rosa asked, wondering what it was and why nobody was stopping it.

"Just my phone." Liz said dismissively. "Somebody is lighting it up with text messages. It's fine. I'll get it later. What we're doing is way more important."

"If you say so!" Rosa agreed, as it rang a few more times.

"Get in the car, we've got to go." Liz ordered and she jumped into the front seat while Izzy slipped into the back. They barely had the doors closed before Liz had the engine running and the car moving.

Rosa heard the noise again, louder this time, and noticed a little flat device sitting in the cup holder. "Is that your phone?" Liz confirmed. "Can I stop the ringing?"

"Yeah." Liz agreed. "The passcode is your birthday, 6 digits. Just let me know who’s texting like crazy."

Rosa punched in the numbers and the phone opened directly to a list of messages.

"It looks like… new messages from Kyle and Maria. Both. Liz. Please don't tell me you're still dating Kyle Valenti?" Rosa asked with a laugh. She didn't know how long had passed, but from the look of each of the people she had seen so far, she was certain that a significant amount of time had passed.

"I'm not." Liz said softly. "I'm with Max."

Rosa wanted to kick herself. Of course Liz was with Max. That reaction wasn't the kind of grief you have for a casual friend.

Another ring sounded and a new message popped up.

"Kyle." Rosa announced.

"What does it say?" Liz asked.

"He says the lack of response is starting to worry him. He just needs to know if you're okay. No burst stitches or infection…Liz, are you hurt!?"

"I'm fine!" Liz insisted. "Just got cut a bit last night. Had to have Kyle come stitch me up. It's no big deal. I'll call him when we stop."

"Liz, how close did my husband come to killing you?"

Rosa and Liz both froze. Isobel had been so quiet that they had forgotten she was there.

"It's okay, Isobel. Just a flesh wound. He got me with a knife when he escaped from the freezer. Kyle patched me up and I'm going to be fine."

Another ring interrupted them

"Maria?" Liz asked. "What does she say."

"She says she needs her girlfriend now to come talk and to stop ignoring her and get down to the Wild Pony. She says that… oh. Guerin kissed her and then ran off."

"Shit." Liz grumbled. "What the hell am I supposed to do with that? It's not like I can tell her that Michael ran off because his psychic alien connection with Max went nuts and he felt Max die resurrecting my dead sister." Liz let out a loud, angry laugh.

She suddenly stopped the car. Rosa looked around. It just seemed like they were in the middle of the desert, but then again, so did their first location.

"Will you start taking things into the cave? I should call Kyle back."

Rosa took one of the big pots full of silver goo from the trunk and followed Izzy to the cave. When they turned to go back for more, Rosa almost walked straight into Liz, who was walking into the cave.

“Everything ok with Kyle?” Rosa asked.

“Yeah,” Liz said, her voice distracted as her eyes drifted to Max’s pod. “We’re going to meet him at his place after we’re done here.” Liz explained. “Where’s Michael?”

“He was already gone when we got here.” Isobel said, “I think he’s spiraling.”

“At least he took care of Max before running off.” Liz pointed out.

His sister rolled her eyes. “That was the least he could do.”

Once the car was unloaded, Liz took Isobel home and, as she indicated earlier, headed to Kyle’s house. Rosa wondered what kind of a man her half brother by birth had grown into. The kind of man who gives a girl stitches and then worries about it all the next day. She wondered if either of her siblings knew about her secret Valenti bloodline. She was still getting used to the idea before… well, before whatever had happened. Liz couldn’t have been serious when she said ‘resurrect’ after all.

Her sister pulled her car up to the curb in front of a small house in a unfamiliar subdivision, probably because it was new. Liz turned off the engine and turned to Rosa.

“Can you adjust the blanket so that your face is hidden?” Rosa nodded and then shifted the blanket around to make a headwrap to cover her face and hair. “This good?” She asked.

“Yeah.” Liz affirmed. “So, Kyle is going to be pretty shocked to see you. Happy, but shocked. I want to prep him a bit. Would you mind coming up and hanging back a bit while I talk? Then we’ll go in. No one can see your face though, until we’re safe inside.”

“Got it,” Rosa agreed

Liz lead Rosa up the walkway to the house. Halfway there, Kyle flung the front door open, and Rosa had to quickly duck and hide her face.

“What the hell, Liz? Yesterday was insane, you almost died, and then just… nothing? Radio silence for almost a whole day? And who is this?”

“It’s just been nonstop, Kyle. A lot has happened since I saw you last. Hey, before we come in. Remember that conversation we had yesterday while you were stitching me up? About that thing that Noah told me, but you already knew?”

“That Rosa was my sister? Yes, I’m aware. Your point?”

Liz didn’t even need to gesture at her . Rosa stepped a little closer to her sister and lowered the wrap away from her face so that Kyle could see just enough to know it’s her. His eyes widened, mouth dropped open, and he was speechless for about a split second before it was like something important crossed his mind and he ushered them inside.

“Rosa…” Kyle gaped. “How is this possible.”

“My idiot alien boyfriend decided that I was better off with her than with him, it seems.” Liz replied dryly. “Now I get back the person that I’ve missed the most for the last 10 years, but in exchange I lose the person that I’ve just fallen in love with. Max is lying dead in an alien pod right now. Unless we can figure out how to revive him like he revived Rosa. You’ll help, right?”

“Of course.”

“10 years?” Rosa suddenly burst out. “Well, shit. No wonder you made me hide my face! Kyle, any chance you have some, like, shorts and a T-shirt I can borrow? I’m getting real sick of wearing nothing but this blanket.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Kyle agreed. “I’ll go dig something out. And then I want to check your wound, Liz. And I should probably do a quick check on you too, Rosa, to make sure nothing’s wrong. Sound good?”

Kyle disappeared down the hallway and Rosa took advantage of the opportunity to speak to her sister. “So you already knew? About my birth father?”

“I did,” Liz confirmed.

“I’m not even an Ortecho.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you are.”

“Papi and I aren’t related at all.”

“Rosa, listen to me. Papi raised you. Papi loves you. Papi has mourned you every day that you’ve been gone. He prays for you during Día de Muertos every year. Your picture stays on the wall in the Crashdown kitchen. Jim Valenti may have been your blood, but you are an Ortecho. We’re family.”

Kyle's voice echoed down from the hallway, “Okay Rosa, I laid some options out for you in the bedroom. Just grabbing some supplies to check Liz, and I’ll be out of your way.”

“You just happened to add a pretty kick ass brother now too.” Liz added with a smile, pushing Rosa towards the hallway.

[sapphicalexaandra]

We’re Not Lovers (3/3)

Pairing: Jace/Alec

Rating: T

Summary: Alec is faced with a choice. Break it or mend it.

Notes:   Last chapter! For now. Know that this isn't the end of this verse (called ‘Strangers’, canon divergence of pre-series and s1 events). All the thanks again to the people liking and commenting, hope you'll enjoy this one! <3

It was all his fault, he knew that. He deserved being walked out on; he couldn’t expect Jace to just be fine with what he had chosen. But, in the end, it’d have to be for the best: if they were divided, they couldn’t get into more trouble.

But they were parabatai, their souls were linked together for life...so, eventually, they’d find their way back to each other, with a new – lawful, platonic – balance. 

Alec forced himself to believe it. He had to believe it. He could live with the constant ache, the unsatisfiable need to be with Jace in any possible way – or, he would. He’d bare all the pain he had brought upon himself without complaining, because he had been reckless enough to think he could get everything he wanted without consequences, and now that the consequences had come he had no one else to blame.

But he would not lose Jace. He – he could never live without Jace. He’d rather die. And if he hadn’t fucked up beyond repair, Jace still felt the same and he would forgive him. Alec didn’t know how much he’d take him, but he’d wait for Jace to come back to him for an entire lifetime, if need be.

All summer, it was hard to believe they lived in the same place. Alec laid awake in bed almost every night, recounting endless days of court nods and quick dismissals by the person whose betrayed emotions he felt in his very soul, of puzzled stares by the comrades who noticed their coldness towards one another, and of comforting words by Izzy, their only ally in all those years (they’d never told her, but she’d always tacitly covered for them).

On top of all that, Hodge was their shadow wherever they went, whatever they did. When he could, he split their team – Alec, Jace and Izzy – up, having Jace go hunt with younger cadets with the excuse of helping with their training. Jace was always more than eager, and thankful, to oblige, oblivious to their tutor’s hidden motives. When they had to go together, however, their efficiency had managed, somehow, not to plummet. They were at least professional enough to always cover each other’s backs and bring their best game in their fights. In battle, their hearts beat as one whether they – or, Jace – liked it or not. But if a mission took too long, Alec received constant texts and calls from Hodge telling him to report their whereabouts. He always had to make him hear that Izzy was there with them.

Alec tried not to resent him, he knew he was only doing that for their own good…but it was hard to look him in the eyes without wishing he’d had the guts to kill him that night.

After, his disgust for himself only grew. I can bare it, Alec repeated to himself then. Both the circumstances and his own wretched existence, he would bare them until he was alive.

He’d take Jace going out whenever he had free time to get down with (most-likely) hot strangers, and he’d manage his own body flaring out with lust as a result. He wasn’t a shy, embarrassed teen with a crush anymore, he wouldn’t have to feel ashamed if he relieved his own needs while thinking of Jace (he didn’t need someone else to be with him to do it). And it didn’t matter that his wish for Jace was like the one that a fish out of water would have for breath; his cold sheets were enough to stifle the maddening tingle under his skin.

You just couldn’t stay hot in an empty bed, where the ghost of your lover's scent was still present.

Towards the end of the summer, however, things had started to improve. Jace didn’t flee immediately from a room Alec was in anymore. They could have some casual conversations, even if they were mostly about their missions. Jace smiled at him from time to time, before realizing what he had done and quickly backtracking. Alec knew he just needed to be a little more patient, and he’d get his parabatai back.

As usual, life had other plans for him.

That his punishment would appear in the form of a little red-headed brat…he had to admit he would've never expected it. He had to hand it to the Angel, as far as originality went.

And just like that, Jace was slipping from between his fingers. He was going far and beyond for Clary Fray, like he had never done for anybody else, and Alec couldn’t brush it off as a casual conquest that would last a fortnight. The panic that filled him then, was all-consuming.

It was irrational, he was aware of that. He had let Jace go, so he couldn’t expect him not to ever find someone else. But that that someone else would have so much influence and traction on Jace, to the point that Jace constantly and fiercely chose her over him…it couldn’t not feel like a constant punch in the gut. They were magic, their souls belonged together – who the hell was this girl?

Valentine’s – the most renowned madman to ever challenge the Clave and the natural order of the Shadow world – very own daughter.

Try to tell it to Jace! No, countless unsanctioned missions were done for her, of the like that wouldn’t go unnoticed. And all the work Alec had done, all the sacrifices he had made, to secure his family’s safety, was soon going to amount to nothing! The Lightwoods were going to lose their prestige, their credibility, their trustworthiness! And Jace didn’t seem to care at all, like he had accused him of without really believing it, until now…

It wasn’t a wonder then, that after more than ten years of knowing each other, including four years of an impossible relationship, they’d never fought quite so much, so constantly, so viciously. The divide between their priorities and views became more and more an insurmountable problem.

The small sliver of hope that grew in Alec when his own face appeared as Jace’s most beloved person, proving that at least that hadn’t changed, lasted no more than Jace choosing to help Clary’s werewolf friend over staying by his side. I’ll be fine on my own.

Well then, if Jace was moving on, so would he.

Alec’s chance presented itself in the form of a warlock, of all things – the High warlock of Brooklyn, no less. Magnus Bane was very charming and attractive, he clearly liked him, flirted with him, wanted him, and didn’t have anything to do with his family. It was perfect.

Of course, things only became more complicated.

His fears manifested themselves. The Lightwoods were under scrutiny. His inability to be the leader he was supposed to be, and restrain Jace from his pointless crusade for his new girlfriend, brought the appearance of a Clave envoy, Lydia Branwell.

The time after that was a tornado crushing on his life, the world shifting off its axis as it swirled around and around both outside and inside of him.

I’ll have to get married far earlier than I thought, the Cup needs to be safe, my parents were Circle members, they are liars and hypocrites, we’re going to lose the Institute, I need to protect them, I must marry Lydia, Valentine is getting close, Jace is not being Switzerland as he said, he should not be Switzerland, we swore to protect each other! Magnus was strangely affected when I told him about the marriage, what did he expect?! Meliorn is going to be tortured, but if I don’t do what needs to be done it could end up like with Lydia’s ex! The damn little girl and her inability to understand how things work in our world! How could Jace lie to me?! If it was only about my jealousy our world wouldn’t be going to hell! I don’t want to be on different sides either, but why can’t you be on MY side? It’ll be breaking the Law and we can’t afford to do that anymore! Jace is gone and Izzy is going to be deruned and exiled! I must do everything to save her! How could Jace go behind my back?! Jace is dead to me! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, what have I done? How could I weaken the bond even more?! Izzy is safe, but Jace lied to me, betrayed me, attacked me, I don’t want anything to do with him anymore! Love? Magnus doesn’t think I know what love means? Love has caused me nothing but trouble!

And that was how the night before his wedding came along. The night he put the final nail on his and Jace’s bond.

present time

Jace’s pleas still echoing in his mind, Alec reached his room half-blind, unable to see beyond the pool of tears in his eyes.

When he closed the door behind him, he only had the energy to collapse on the ground against it. Curving into a ball, he wished to make himself smaller.

If he was small, the pain had less room in which to expand. He could already feel it strangling his bones, flowing in his veins, pumping his organs...until his entire being was crumpled under its weight. Had he broken the parabatai bond once and for all? Is that what this feeling meant? In that case, he hoped the pain would bury him for good. Anything would be preferable to it plaguing his entire existence, forever a reminder-

He should’ve never agreed to enter that bond. He should’ve never looked twice at that kid who had entered his life like a ray of fucking sunshine. He should’ve never given himself to him, molding his entire life around him, into him, with him. If Alec hadn’t done any of that, his very soul wouldn’t be made of pieces of him. His body wouldn’t still hold the shape of him, tattooed into his flesh with far more than one mark. His heart wouldn’t pump his name in his veins.

Jace.

What had he done?

What had he been doing since that night he broke them?

NO! Alec, that’s not what I want! You could never be a burden, the opposite of that – I could never live without you! These past few months…have been hell. Please, don’t go.

Alec was going to suffocate. He didn’t know why in that very moment words he had read to Jace once had to come back to hit him in the face.

I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!*

He was an idiot.

Him and Jace had been through too much together to just let him go. Even if they couldn’t be together, even if they had every reason to just give up on each other, he’d be damned before Jace’s soul parted from his! Because the truth was, Jace could betray him, hurt him, walk away from him all he wanted, and Alec could do the same to him...it would still never change the fact that they had belonged together ever since that moment, all those years ago, when Alec's arrow had barely missed Jace.

He'd die before he stopped believing that. 

Alec rose from the floor as if he had just received an electric shock. Yanking the door open, he started running all the way back to the basement.

Jace wasn’t there anymore, and Alec’s stomach dropped. Yet, he didn't stop; he resumed running until he reached the outside of Jace’s room. His heart was thumping loudly in his chest…if Jace wasn’t there, if he had gone out, it could be too late before he found-

Alec opened the door, and he almost cried out in relief when he saw Jace sitting on the bed, head buried in his hands. He had done that. He had hurt Jace just as much, if not more than how Jace had hurt him. This eye for an eye needed to stop.

Alec turned around to activate lock and soundless runes on the door, his movements slow and careful, to try and still his shaking hands…then he strode towards Jace, who hadn’t moved an inch. The bed creaked when Alec sat heavily on it, his arms already going to embrace Jace as tight as he could, his face pressed against Jace's hair.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Alec chanted in Jace’s ear, his voice breaking.

Jace finally seemed to come back to life. He removed his hands from his face, to use them to shove at Alec’s chest, pushing him away. “Don’t. Just don’t.”

Alec didn't move away. Instead, he tried to put his arms around Jace once again. “Jace, I’m so sor–”

“I said don’t!” Jace forcefully shrugged Alec’s hands off of him. “It’s fine, you’re right! I only bring pain in your life, in everybody’s life! I’m just a selfish broken fucked-up mess raised by a monster…”

Alec felt himself gasp. He had forgotten about the new revelation. Valentine had turned out be Jace’s father, having pretended to be Michael Wayland all those years until he faked his own death...and Jace and Clary had been brother and sister all along…how could he have forgotten that?!

“No, no, Jace," Alec's lips were trembling as he spoke, "you’re not selfish, or broken, or fucked-up! You–”

“I am! And you shouldn’t be near me...I am bad for you or everybody else! So I release you, too – I release you from me!”

Alec desperately shook his head. “I never should’ve said that! I didn’t – I could never mean it. Everything I said was – listen, you were trying to do something good…and I was a damn coward! You were right, I am a coward! I’d rather have others hurt than risk everything I’ve worked for all my life! I couldn’t – I couldn’t keep you, I couldn’t find a better way to protect our family, I couldn’t stand everything changing so fast! And I was the leader of nothing and the soldier from hell. I just wanted…to keep everything together and how it should be, but it wouldn’t work.”

Jace was trying to get away, and Alec took his face in between his hands, holding on despite Jace's squirming. “I hurt you, repeatedly. I weakened our bond, I had a sword at your throat, by the Angel! I just - I felt like you were drifting away from me and I proceeded to blame you for everything that was happening, as if it wouldn’t only drive you away further. Jace, it wasn't all your fault, and I’m so sorry.”

Alec lowered his head, scrunching his face to not have it fall apart.

“But I-" Alec was surprised to hear Jace's coarse, subdued voice, and to realize that Jace wasn't trying to get away anymore. "I should’ve thought more of what was happening at the Institute...I should’ve predicted something, I should’ve stopped to look at you, I – Alec, I didn’t think all this could happen! I felt you slipping too, and I didn’t know what to do.”

Alec couldn't have been more relieved that Jace was talking to him, and, suddenly, he didn't care about all that anymore. Nosy tutors and little girls, madmen and Clave envoys, shouts and fights...what did it all matter? Right then, Alec wanted nothing more than to forget about everything and throw himself at Jace...and he did just that, hugging him again, as if being physically close alone could fill the void dividing them.

He knew it wasn't that simple, but it surely didn’t hurt. On the contrary, sensing Jace’s solid form, his warmth, his scent, his life, right in between his arms, felt as if he had been lost in the woods all this time, and Jace was his home. Alec would've kept on holding him until he forgot he had ever let him go. 

His wish wasn't fulfilled, because Jace pushed him away again.

“Then why?!" More shouting caught Alec off guard, and he flinched. "Why are you here? We’ve said and done the most awful things to each other, we’ve been everything a parabatai, or a friend, or a lover shouldn’t be! Why did you come back?”

Alec looked into Jace’s eyes. “You know why.”

I love you.

But he couldn’t say it, or they’d be lost.

“Do I?" Jace rebutted, eyes into slits. "Because I remember you claiming it wasn’t a reason enough.” Alec could see he was trying to mask how much that had hurt him.

“And you believed me?” Alec chuckled bitterly. 

An answer wasn't needed, because they both knew Jace had believed him. Alec had made sure of it.

“Everything I’ve done,” Alec admitted then, “was because I loved you too much.”

Jace cracked a smile, before his face turned sorrowful, almost tired. “Same. I tried so hard to steer clear of you, because just being in the same room was too painful.”

A lump formed in Alec’s throat. He tried not to think of who exactly had steered Jace away. He closed his eyes.

When he opened them again, Jace was still looking at him with that same stricken expression.

So now what? What could they do? Where would they go from there? So many more things needed to be said, to be done, and the world outside of that room hadn’t stopped spinning. It was still waiting for them, to throw them for a loop all over again.

It felt as if they were on the edge of a precipice; if they walked any further, they might tilt to the side, and fall.

Therefore they stayed silent, facing each other on the bed, only their legs touching, while they made the conscious effort not to get any closer. They breathed in sync, though, for the first time in a long while. They didn’t feel like strangers anymore...more like two magnets being pulled in opposite directions by implacable forces.

Alec felt heavy, his shoulders sagged as if he couldn’t hold his own body anymore. Jace was so close, yet so far away. He itched to touch him, to hold him, to truly forget anything else beside them existed. He wished to be lost in the lines of his face, in the texture of his skin, in the color of his eyes...

He slipped and looked at Jace’s lips, only for one second - but it was enough.

Jace surged forward at the same time as he did…and their lips meeting, conjoining again after the agony of separation felt like a cry of joy deep in the foundation of his – their – being. Their mouths collided over and over again as if they wished to devour each other, and something inside of Alec sang. If he weren’t too busy kissing Jace, he would’ve started sobbing.

He knew that this was the most foolish and reckless thing they could possibly do, and that it would only make things worse instead of solving anything.

He still rose Jace’s shirt from his sides and helped him get rid of it. Then he pushed Jace into the bed, sighing when their bodies found their rightful place, entwined together. Their fervency only grew, their kisses became deeper and deeper, and Alec could only think I love you, I love you…

Jace flipped them over all of a sudden, not before Alec’s sweater was also removed, and they were skin to skin, Jace kissing him with some kind of despair...when finally their runes started glowing. Jace flinched away when he noticed, drawing his hand from Alec’s golden neck, but Alec caught it, bringing it to his lips, then pressing it against the side of his face, eyes closed in bliss. With his other hand, he traced Jace’s parabatai rune.

"We're magic," Alec whispered. 

Jace let out a whimper, shivering under Alec's hands, but he relaxed, bringing their lips together once again, just a feather-touch. “I missed you,” he whispered brokenly.

Suddenly unable to speak, Alec embraced him, pressing their bodies closer while Jace buried his face against his neck. In him there was a hope that they would permanently fuse together before the sun rose.

They did not fuse together, but they went as close to it as was humanly possible.

Alec couldn’t believe he had almost forgotten what it felt like, what it meant to truly be complete and attuned to another person. Jace. His Jace. The endless times he cried out his name couldn’t express enough the experience of being with him, having all of him, and be loved by him. How had he gotten on for more than one day without this? It had been impossible ever since they kissed for the first time…that summer had been nothing short of the deepest pit of hell. But Hodge - Hodge had laid off of them when he had realized that their rift couldn’t but be real. Still, he loomed over their heads even in the security of that room. Alec still drew a shout out of Jace then, and forgot all about it.

When they huddled under the covers, catching their breath, Alec laid his head over the same pillow as Jace, facing him, caressing his arm, still unwilling to stop touching him. He couldn't resist placing one last kiss on Jace’s lips before closing his eyes, breathing in the respite of the moment. The after-effects of their lovemaking flowed through their bond like honey. 

“Was all that you said," Jace broke the silence in a whisper, "the real reason you broke up with me? You felt like I didn't care about you?" He sounded like he hadn't wanted to ask, but desperately needed the answer.

Alec looked at him, his stomach clenching painfully. It was a wonder his mountain of lies hadn’t tumbled on him already. “No. I can feel what you feel, remember? I never doubted you. It wasn’t anything you did. I–" he gulped, "Jace, Hodge found out.”

Jace stayed frozen for a second, then his eyebrows shot to his hairline. “What?!”

“He saw us kissing on the roof one night, and he threatened to tell if I didn’t end it immediately,” Alec recounted in one breath. He already felt lighter than before, even though he knew he couldn’t get away with it so easily.

Jace’s mouth was hanging open as he abruptly sat up, looking down at Alec with eyes as wide as saucers. “Why – why the hell didn’t you tell me?!”

“I–” Alec had never felt so ashamed in his life. “I panicked! I didn’t know what to do! I thought that if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it was reason enough to stop, but you would’ve tried to find a way around it! And I couldn’t - let you, we would’ve just been found out again, and then everything would’ve been over. I – I’m sorry. I know I should’ve told you.”

Jace remained unmoving for what felt like an eternity. When he sagged, falling back on the pillow, he looked as if he had no more energy left to do anything else. He didn’t say a word for so long that Alec couldn’t take it anymore.

“Jace, please, talk to me, yell at me if you want!” he begged him.

Jace smiled softly. “I don’t want to yell at you. I don’t even feel angry, just sad. I’m – I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing now?”

“Because I was the one who made you feel like you couldn’t count on me.”

Alec blinked. “What? No, Jace, it was my fault! I was so caught in worrying about everything that I couldn’t have accepted any other way but my own.”

“But you said it yourself! You felt like I always left you to deal with the messes I made, that’s why you thought you had to fix everything on your own! Alec, even though it was not what I intended, you can’t deny you felt like that. And it’s not fair. I’m your parabatai, I should be there for you no matter what, in any way! But I swear to you right now that I will do everything in my power to be better. I will be better. Just - please, Alec, promise me that you won’t lie to me again, if I promise the same.”

Alec felt like he could breathe again for the first time since Hodge had approached him. Despite the weight of his mistakes, those words were like a soothing balm on his own wounds. He wasn't alone in the world, and he would never be again. 

Sensing a prickle in his eyes that he tried to ignore, Alec broke out into a smile, as he took Jace’s hands in between his own. “I promise. No more lies. And I swear to be better, too.”

Jace smiled at him, all teeth and dimples. Oh, how Alec had missed seeing that. To quench a sudden gush of emotions, he brought Jace’s hands to his lips, and kept them there for a while.

“You were right,” Jace broke the silence once again. 

“About what, exactly?” Alec replied cheekily. 

Jace shoved him, before turning serious. “We - we can’t spend the rest of our lives hiding. All the secrets...they were eating at us, that’s why it all went to shit.”

Alec's heart sank, and he closed his eyes, nodding. He didn't think that truth would ever stop hurting.

Jace snuggled closer to him, hugging Alec's middle while he placed his head on Alec's chest. Alec could feel his breath on his skin. He circled Jace's shoulder. 

“So, it’s really over,” Jace proclaimed, his voice strangled out of him.

Alec pressed his lips against Jace's head. “We will never be over. We’ll always be parabatai, and I’m always going to be there for you.”

“Me, too.”

It would never be enough, but it’ll have to.

Alec was finally about to fall asleep, a tear trickling down his eye, when Jace spoke again. Alec felt so tired, plagued by the war joy and sadness were raging inside of him, but he couldn't really fault Jace for feeling the need to prolong the night as much as he could.

“You’re getting married tomorrow.”

Alec snorted. “And Clary is your sister. What’s up with that?”

Jace's shoulders shook as he laughed. “I can’t believe it. First my parabatai, then my sister…I have the worst damn luck.” He was trying to be playful, but his tone betrayed his bitterness, and his sorrow. 

“You really loved her, didn’t you?” Alec couldn't help but ask. He didn’t know why he just had to do that to himself.

Jace raised his head, arching an eyebrow at him. “Are you seriously wondering if I loved her more than you? First of all, I just met her. No matter what you thought, I wasn’t just helping her cause I found her hot. Secondly, I could’ve, maybe, fallen in love with her…but she could never be you.”

Alec should've been embarassed of the smile that split his face in half right then. That fact made him happier that he would’ve liked to admit, since it would let on just how much Clary trampling him had worried, bothered him.

“I mean, now it’s just sick to think about,” Jace went on, oblivious to his musings, “that I kissed my sister, that I wanted her, what if we had – I just, I must be sick, or something.” 

Alec came out of his reverie. “Hey, no. Look at me.” Alec raised Jace’s chin with his finger. “You’re not sick. You couldn’t have known. The situation is just…confusing and fucked-up."

Jace didn't seem convinced, but he said, "I guess," shrugging fake-nonchalantly. 

Alec had to press on, "And about your father...Jace, no matter who he is-”

"No, no, I don't want to talk about that," Jace interrupted him, averting his eyes. 

"Jace..."

"I'm serious, please, really, just...not now. Please."

Alec sighed. "Okay. But whenever you want..."

"Yeah, I know. Thank you." 

Jace gave him a quick kiss, and Alec suppressed the need to protest further. He couldn't even begin to imagine what must've been going on in Jace's mind right then. All the things he had to look back to in such a different and infinitely more warped light, as if things hadn't been muddled before...

“Alec, don’t get married.”

That wasn't one of the things he would've imagined. Jace had gotten himself upright to lean on his elbow, and was looking at Alec rather intently, a frown on his face. 

Alec huffed, turning his head the other way. “Jace, I have to.”

“I was serious before. I can go talk to Lydia, or whoever else is needed, and I will explain the entire situation! But you can’t, you shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life living another kind of lie. Especially not because of me.”

“It was my decision, Jace. It wasn't your fault, for real. Something like that would've happened anyway, considering that my parents were Circle members...with Valentine rising, the Clave would've gone after them, us, in any case. This, now, is the only effective way to keep the Institute and clear the Lightwood’s name, and I’m not giving it up. I – Lydia is a good person, and we work well together. It’s a perfect arrangement for both of us.”

“But it might not be the only way, or it could not solve everything like you think...and you'd be tying yourself to something that could not be that necessary, hindering every chance you might have to be happy! You’d never be able to find someone you could be happy with.”

Alec turned his head towards Jace, snorting. “Jace, you think I could ever be happy with someone that isn’t you? Nobody else is you for me, too.”

A corner of Jace’s mouth perked up, but it quickly went away. “What about Magnus?”

“No, no, we’re not talking about that.”

“C’mon, it’s clear he likes you. And you like him, at least, right? How do you know it couldn’t be something good? If we can’t be together, shouldn’t we at least try to be with someone else? Just because it didn’t work out for me, it doesn’t mean it couldn’t for you.”

Alec sat up, shrugging the covers off of him, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under all that warmth. “What are you even suggesting? That I leave my Shadowhunter wife for a male Downworlder? Are you hearing yourself?”

Jace circled Alec's shoulders with his arms, laying his chin on one. Alec reluctantly let him, and leaned back into him. “I’m not suggesting anything. I just want you to be happy, don't you know that by this point? Listen, I’m not going to tell you to go against what the Clave or your family wants, if that’s what you care about. I’m just presenting you the possibility that there might be something else out there for you. You should know all the options, right? I'm not saying it just for the hell of it, I really think that if you were to choose that, it wouldn’t be the end of the world like you think. Some people might talk, or be pissed, and you might have to work your way back up some new obstacles, but I believe in you. I know how determined you are, when you want something bad enough, and they’ll just have to recognize your true qualities once they realize they can’t do without you. Don’t snort! It’s true. I – listen, you know how I feel about letting our lives be controlled by bullshit laws and traditions, and I won’t change my mind. I know better than to change yours. But I’ll stand by you, whatever you decide.”

“Really? You would give me away tomorrow?” Alec turned his head around to look Jace in his eyes, unable to mask the hope from his voice. “Please? I - I can’t do this without you.”

Jace smiled. “If that’s what you want, I’ll be honored.”

An indescribable sense of relief filled Alec's heart. He truly had Jace back. They’d be okay.

He pushed Jace back down on the bed. “Thank you. Now, can we stop talking?”

Jace laughed. “Yeah.”

More laughter was covered by demanding lips. The night wasn’t over yet.

But it was, eventually, and way too soon.

Alec’s alarm went off, and he woke up with a jolt, a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach making him feel like he was going to be sick. Remembering the events of the night, as well as the knowledge that he wouldn’t lose Jace, couldn’t erase the fact that walking away from him – them – once again, was going to feel like leaving a piece of himself behind. Which wasn’t far from the truth.

And no matter his resolve to go through with the wedding, he wasn’t stupid enough to not know that what Jace, Izzy, or Magnus told him wasn’t farfetched. He wasn’t really looking forward to a life of chastity – because he could never have affairs, he just couldn’t – and solid partnership. The only bright spot was that he at least really did like Lydia as a friend, and she wouldn’t expect anything from him that he couldn’t give her.

Still, he felt awful. In that moment, Jace’s bed, with Jace draped over him from behind, was the closest thing to heaven he would ever find, and he wouldn’t have wanted to leave it for anything in the world.

Jace hugged him tighter to himself then, and Alec sighed, in despair as well as contentment. He interlaced his hand with Jace’s before kissing it, trying to map to memory the texture and warmth of his skin. Their bond was already trembling in anticipation of him leaving, and just when it was back to its brightest glory, risen from the ashes! 

And to think...that they had the power to bring down that entire Institute and make their escape, if they wanted to. But, in that case, Alec knew they'd only prove the parabatai curse true. If they wanted their bond to be light, not darkness, they could never give in to their basest impulses. 

As if reading his thoughts, Jace spoke, rather groggily, “What if we got away, and never looked back?”

Alec smiled forlornly, but he let himself indulge in it for a minute. “We could go to the west. Attend a mundane college, or work in one of those fast foods shops, while living in a shitty apartment. I bet a cat would fit nicely. I bet it'd love me more than you.”

Alec felt Jace's body shake with laughter. “In your dreams. But yeah...it doesn’t sound too bad.”

Would they really manage as mundanes? Alec liked to think that, together, they could make it, be happy, even.

They would never know.

Alec turned around in Jace’s arms. He kissed him, as they held each other as close as they could, until they still could. They could never do this again. 

Breaking himself apart and getting up from the bed took Alec as much effort as it was to be expected. He got dressed in silence, Jace watching him just as quiet.

Before leaving, Alec went to sit next to Jace. Jace was holding himself with his knees to his chest, making himself look so much smaller than all his muscles should allow.

Alec felt almost numb, except for when he kissed Jace one last time. He prolonged and savored the moment as long as possible.

“I love you, now and forever,” Alec told him then. That statement could only be uttered in a whisper.

“I love you. Now and forever,” Jace echoed, a catch in his voice. “Never forget, that I’m yours.”

Alec nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. “And I’ll always be yours.”

He brushed Jace’s mouth with his own one last, last time, so that he would still have the feel of it on his lips for as long as he lived. He rose from the bed, staring at Jace to burn in his memory the image of him...then he strode to the door and got out of it without even registering his movements. He pushed it closed, leaning on it, with an itch in his breath. For once, he didn’t care if he ended up crying for real.

He reached his room first, covering his face with a pillow once he collapsed on the bed.

Later, he did end up taking a chance, after all. He strode down the aisle and kissed Magnus Bane right in the mouth, in front of everyone. He couldn’t live like a coward anymore, and his mother, his father, the Clave…they'll have to live with it. With the real him.

[shippingsince01]

Couple of thoughts I had during this episode of Shadowhunters:

Malec cuteness is so...cute! (They need to go on that date already!) 

I have no idea where Marrakes is, I think it’s in Morocco? but it's just like Magnus to be like let's portal to a whole other country for dinner and I ain't mad at that. 

"My dear Raj, you looking well" translation, remember when I made you look like a punk ass bitch last week?" Cause I do. And so does everyone else.

I caught that smirk Alec. He knows! 

Clary taking that swerve from Jace out on her mom. Girl chill. Remember when she was so set on waking up her mom in s1? Guess that's over, LOL. 

Alec is so resigned to Clary at this point and it's never not funny. 

“Hey Fray!” You know, Alec was so hoping Clary would leave to Idris. You know, he was. Ha!

For 7 decades Raphael looks good.

Victor must die! Someone make that movie poster! 

Protect Raphael Santiago at all costs!!!!

Okay, Alec. Try to be a little more comforting to the mundane. 

Luke & Jocelyn are cute! Is this the 1st time they've kissed?

Lydia to Raj: remember that time Magnus made you look like a punk ass bitch? Keep talking, he won't be the only one. (Insert “shut up Raj!” from Izzy. LOL)

Magnus and Raphael! In a scene. Together!

Victor must die!

That almost fight between Simon and Raphael was hot. But I don't think Simon can take him tbh

Awww! How many Saphael's are getting their lives this week, cause they held hands??? I see you and I feel you.

Maryse continues to be the worst. Even when she's not in this episode. 

OK I did lol at that last raj line. 

Go Lydia!!! 

The only redeeming quality to Camille's character so far has been saving Magnus' life 

Jocelyn isn't dead. ....right? 

Wait is Alec possessed or not?

All this talk of children. Magnus calling Raphael his son. Basically talking about how he adopts these downworlders. Camille bringing up Alec. I see the foreshadowing, and I am here for it! 

And this bitch tried to encanto him and use his deepest fear against him- I'm glad Magnus sent her ass packing. 

We're gonna get a lot of Valentine speeches this season, aren't we?

Bye hodge. oh well. 

When is someone gonna save Dorothea? 

Looks like Izzy is holding in some resentment. Not surprised. Her mother sucks. 

I'm gonna be perfectly honest and say that outside Jace returning to the institute, I felt nothing in the last scene of the ep. It was all a bit anticlimactic for me. I didn't think Jocelyn was really dead in the beginning, I thought it was just a trick and now that I'm finding out she is really dead, I kinda don't care? I mean they didn't even show that scene where Alec kills her or when he got possessed in the 1st place. The last we saw was Jocelyn possessed and then she's dead, and that’s it. It was weird. 

I'm hoping next week they're going somewhere with this, that's not "oh let's try to find a way to resurrect our mom jace" cause that's predicable and just why??? Why would this story line be necessary after last year? 

There was no emotional follow through for me personally. I honestly expected more of a reaction from both Clary and Alec. 1st when she saw her mother on the floor and then later and Alec, after he saw that video footage. They really could have ended the episode at Clary finding her mom's body,and that would have been better imo. I just feel like something was missing from this one. 

[normal-thoughts-official]

aaaand we are back back again with malec livewatch! you can read the first and second parts before if you wanna, or filter out “malec livewatch” if ur tired of this absolute bullcrap

yes i know it’s been years. not my fault okay i was studying

today: post-wedding 1×12! and finally freedom from the terrors of s1

forever a slut for that scene where Magnus just does that hand movement and a bunch of shit starts showing up in the conveniently empty table ugh we stan. imagine if the special effects had been this good all the time they really used up 10 out of their 15 dollars and all the two favors from cousin Mike for this one. 1×12 was so inspired tbh only valid episode

Alec's clothes look so much better without the stupid ugly blazer? could do without the high waisted pants (why) but he looks so much better and also more comfortable. again i hope the costume department staff got a big, fat paycheck because the difference we see in him during the wedding vs post-wedding alone is just insane. he looks so much better and more comfortable and more himself, the blazer made him look stiff and again DOESNT MATCH THE REST. also nice touch that the blazer is the only part of his clothing with gold, the sh wedding color. he gets that off and everything looks so much better

Magnus looks even better post wedding too. like the clothing is already *chef's kiss* but he looks even prettier afterwards somehow. the hair is a little softer and he's less stiff as a whole (for obvious reasons), and aaaa hes so beautifulllll he's so prettyyyy look at his perfect soft little hair falling softly over his head and the PINK STREAKS possibly the best Magnus look i said what i said. especially with him all soft and smiley like that i big love him

sexiest thing about Magnus is how Jace does anything and hes like NO BITCH

the way he says "warlock tracking is stronger" with that smile......... hes so prety

that's a deep inhale he makes before using the tracking spell lmao u ok buddy?

oof i can only imagine how he felt when he was doing the tracking and he was suddenly hit with an image of Camille screaming and hitting in his direction,,,....,,,,,,, Fuck

love how Raphael just locked her in the basement thats so sexy of him we stan

"i punched her there's no way she'll help me" ugh still salty that clary of all ppl got to punch her but not Raphael or Magnus fuck this tbh

STOP MAKING ME LOOK AT CLACE

they both look so giddy and happy to be talking after the whole wedding thing + camille drama like don’t look at me. alec can barely look at magnus because he’s so agitated but you have the smile on his face and magnus is also smiling disbelievingly and i just doaudjsuoiadsa i love they

seriously tho the way magnus smiles..... so private and disbelieving but also so obvious and he’s even looking down like he never expected stuff to go down this well..... bro i stan

i had forgotten about the specific cadence in which alec talks? lmao. there’s a certain tilt to his voice when he says “it’s so INTENSE” that i really love

also that’s a really funny line like honey who the fuck are you to complain about anything being intense. ur the most dive or die bitch in this entire building. and we stan

alec’s WIDE ASS SMILE when magnus says “you certainly know how to make a statement” I CRY. magnus looks so proud of him and still disbelieving that alec went this hard for him and alec is just still on cloud 9 that he really Did That and came out and magnus is just proud of him and wow he really gets to have this and duahdsudhsadajsas???? i adore everything about them

the way maryse shows up and magnus immediately recoils and alec immediately straightens up like magnus is lowkey expecting rejection and alec is just bracing himself for one of the hardest fights of his life

also their expressions are so funny like maryse is LIVID she’s absolutely losing her mcfucking mind with anger homegirl’s head is about to explode and robert is just looking like he pissed on the carpet or something

the way alec doesn’t back down at all is so admirable too like!!!! it’s one thing to make a big fuck you gesture, it’s another to still hold your ground against your abusers after that fact. but he really stands there and goes “this isn’t about you” “i’m the same person i’ve always been” and doesn’t give her an inch of room for clownery. like again once alexander gideon lightwood makes up his mind there’s no stopping him and there’s no going back and he’s just so fucking strong??? he really said “from now on i’m out and you’re going to absolutely deal with that and i will not compromise a single thing” and the lightwoods just had to deal with that lmaoooo 

you can see it in maryse’s face too, like after the “i’m the same person i’ve always been” she just pauses, realizing that she lost this battle without even knowing, she was on top of it a second ago and now there’s nothing she can do anymore and she’s just shook. and all that’s left for her is to scoff at magnus and leave, because that’s it, she lost every hold she had on him

alec’s little mouthed “what?” at “and all for a downworlder” too. i think part of him was like “wow she’s backing down already?” because you know he expected this to be a lot harder i think lmao. but i also like to think that there’s a side of “mom what the fucking fuck have you seen him he’s gorgeous and kind and smart and amazing and literally the best person i could have fallen in love with but go off i guess”

robert going all “just give her time” like he doesn’t understand what’s happening here at all. he clearly plays the “good cop” in the lightwood’s abusive dynamic tbh, like people often brush him off as being just spineless but i honestly think that he’s just the other side of her manipulative coin. specially with izzy, like, when izzy said fuck it and completely let go of maryse’s hold on her? that’s where robert came in, being the accepting, “nice” parent who listened to her and cared, and making sure she’d keep her loyalties. because he didn’t really stand up for izzy either and in the end he kept her still glued to the lightwood family through that, and kept defending maryse and izzy listened to him because he was robert. and i think that’s what’s happening here too, him trying to frame this as “don’t worry, she’ll come around” because he knows right then that alec is absolutely going to turn their back on them if that’s what it takes for her to be happy so he immediately slides in and reframes this under an affection light where everything will be alright! even if honestly i don’t think that’s what alec is really thinking about at all, i think he was 100% ready for a showdown 

and robert is clearly so disapproving and yikes at the whole thing too but he pretends he isn’t and like lmao

shoutout to their faces when robert asks “are you two in love?” like magnus just turns around like oh hell no we’re not gonna have this conversation and alec lights up for just a second with a small smile before he’s like wait wait no shit shit shit we’ve just met no of course there’s no love (and like... i don’t think there is per se, because i think love is something that takes longer to settle in, specially for alec, but i think the idea that he could talk openly about being in love with a man and even fall fully in love with magnus one day makes him super happy you know?) lmao dorks

tho tbh i think magnus shuts down that conversation immediately to avoid heartbreak. because i think that for this whole thing he was expecting alec to say something he’d hate hearing to get his parents’ approval, you know? like like i said it’s really unexpected and surprising/inspiring that alec didn’t back down an inch there, and i think he was expecting alec to kind of fall back slightly now, like, he played his cards and now he would negotiate with them, you know? find a place to make them comfortable. instead alec gives them a complete fuck you and he’s like... damn obviously super pleased but also waiting for the other shoe to drop

he just steps in like “pls no” and stops that conversation right there 

the way alec takes a deep breath and magnus opens his mouth then closes again quickly not knowing what to say and then changes the subject.... he’s really so scared of this talk and i just aaa

alec literally never fucking stops going from magnus’ eyes and lips in quick succession like alec. alec please. stop being horny for just a second man. please alec i’m begging you

it’s so cute how magnus mentions a date and alec is immediately like “hell YEAH we should do that” no hesitation like he’s 100% ready to leave immediately right now (i see his pause between “wanna... i don’t know, get a drink?” and “....sometime?”, i see it, you can’t fool me alexander) and also the fact that his first suggestion is something that he hates but that he knows for a fact magnus likes is so cute, like he immediately goes for magnus’ interests here and we stan

i also think that he’s come to associate drinking = dates after 1x06 and the way magnus called him specifically for a drink before he showed up too, like... it’s cute how he immediately came to associate those things because of magnus and just jumps into that because that’s what he knows. he’s so eager and like good for him

magnus’ SMILE when he says that like bro he can see how stoked alec is to go on a date with him they are adorable he is so fucking HAPPY i doubt he expected such a great outcome from this and yet here they are

ALEC DOES THE WHOLE LOOKING AT HIS LIPS IN QUICK SUCCESSION THING ONE LAST TIME BEFORE THE SCENE ENDS SHUT UP OH MY GOD HE NEVER STOPS. MATT DADDARIO THANK YOU FOR MY RIGHTS

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