#i did it myself for YEARS!!!!!! like it became a little slogan for me!!!

[planet4546b]

remember you have beaten your worst days before remains the most heart wrenching quote of all time because it is purposefully a corporate slogan that chital internalizes in a moment of weakness where they failed their divine and represents that corporate mindset that they can’t escape but isn’t it just so easy to lift it from the context and internalize it. isn’t it so easy

[aoife-o-connor]

The story of me, or how in the hell I got here, by Aoife

Trigger warning, I'm going to go into my backslide into far right politics and some internalized transphobia, if your sensitive to that, probably skip.

So, I was born fairly normally, as one might suspect. My very early life was rather good, I had parents that were together, and overall I was very privileged. As I grew things began to take a turn, my mother had, at the time, undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar disorder, which began to leave leave some mental scars that I'm still healing from, but overall, still pretty good.

The thing that was more pronounced in retrospect was my complete lack of self-worth. The earliest I can remember it was around 7 or 8, I didn't have any real problems, but I began to have this gnawing feeling in the back of my mind that something was very wrong. I never could place it, and no matter what I did at the time, it wouldn't go away. As I grew a little older, I thought it might be dissatisfaction with my body. I was a little on the bigger side and thought, "surely if I get thinner I will like myself" and after some work and doing some boxing training, I got thinner! It didn't help, and I went back to being a little bigger. And for a while, I stagnated. I couldn't figure out why I disliked myself so much, and when friends asked, I would lie and say I just wanted to be thinner because it was easier than explaining that I had no idea why. These feelings continued into high school, where I made a discovery about myself and began what would become a decade-long debilitating coping mechanism.

Shortly after I got into high school, I realized that , to my shock and horror at the time, I had an attraction to both men and women. Being assigned male at birth and being from the southern United States this sent me into a tail spin, and eventually I tried to stop these feelings that culture told me was wrong by overcorrecting, and delving into right wing politics. At first, it was soft, but as I couldn't get rid of these natural and normal feelings, I got more desperate and slowly delved deeper. As one might imagine, this began to slowly put a strain on my friendships, though for a little while, things had leveled out.

And then they started to really spiral!

When I was around 16 or 17, I was introduced to the idea of Transgender people and transitioning, very innocent, and I am eternally grateful to a certain friend of mine for introducing me to the idea and to a real life Transgender person, a trans man specifically. (We never really became friends, but he was still a cool guy) As I learned more about Transgender people I had a thought, one that clicked a light bulb that had been sitting around my subconscious for years and years without being illuminated. I had a passing thought while listening to a stroy from a trans woman explaining her life story, simply "what if I'm trans," and in that moment, I had a momentary epiphany, followed by a near decade of terror.

For the briefiest moment, things made sense, I never liked myself, I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Puberty had only made these feelings worse. Maybe I really was trans... and then, like a ton of bricks, horror and despair filled my mind. I was utterly terrified, I couldn't be trans, I wouldn't be trans, I couldn't tell my parents about being Bi for God's sake, how was I supposed to tell them I want to be a woman.

Even though it hadn't worked for being Bi, I delved far deeper and into far darker places trying to cover up my feelings. I rationalized it to myself that if I became a monster, I wouldn't feel this way. Every time I caught myself imagining transition or how life could be better as a woman, I would go and learn more about fascism, repeat slogans from history's monsters to myself, or bombard myself with alt right propaganda.

But it didn't help. No matter what I did, these feelings wouldn't go away. I would catch myself more and more thinking about transition, hating how masculine my body looked, wishing I had been born a woman. As time went on, I finally had a little breaking point. My mental health was so bad I began to look into things earnestly. I watched videos on how to know if you are trans, I read articles, did research, and everything else. After it all, I realized and admitted to myself that I was, indeed, trans. I was 25 at that point, the past 8 or 9 years I had been running from that, and admitting it felt freeing. I got so excited that I even worked up the courage to tell one of my friends, he wasn't a friend I made in high school, they had eventually left because I was just so bad of a person, but he was a good friend at the time.

He listened and flat out rejected it. We spoke for a long while after that, but I can't member what it was about. I was gutted and fell back into repression. Because of that one night, I spent another year hiding who I was, I was on the way to becoming a Catholic, and I told people that I prayed the trans away. I even ran into one of my old best friends in that year, I was dressed up in a suit talking about how I found jesus. But eventually, I couldn't keep it away. The feelings I had never left, and eventually, I realized that I really would never be happy until I stopped running from who I was.

It still took a lot, but I eventually left my "friend" who led me back into repression and started transitioning. I came out to my parents as Bi and Trans amd they were way more accepting than I ever expected. I pulled myself out of the sludge pit of politics I had lowered myself into and even got into a relationship. It's been a year now that I've been transitioning, and I finally am beginning to really feel happy. I wish every day that it hadn't been such a long fight to just be happy, and more than anything I wish I could take back the horrible person I became for a time, but I can't, and at least I got there in the end.

And that's about it, I doubt anyone will care or read this, but here it is for the 3 of you that might actually read this.

[worldwidemochiguy]

Reticence (soft! Yandere Hoseok)

Summary: You were always terrified of getting kidnapped when you were younger, and now that you’ve been taken by a man who claims to want to take care of you, you recede within yourself so far you refuse to even eat... but Hoseok is determined to let nothing hurt you, not even yourself.

Warnings: Kidnapping, kind of Stockholm syndrome, mentions of not eating so if you’re sensitive to that kind of stuff pls be careful <3 Yandere behaviour, though I am kind of romanticising it in this fic, please remember that that is all it is: Fiction. Obviously in real life this behaviour would be unacceptable and horrifying. 

Word Count: 2.2K

Masterlist :)

a/n: my first hobi fic!!! this is for @kpopgirlbtssvt​ from a request made about a billion years ago (sorry :/ ) for made-for-each-other verse! Yandere Hobi with a shy reader who wouldn’t talk even though he begged her to, and then him coming home from work to her telling him she missed him and was glad he was home. this was a lil less fluffy and a lil more angsty than i intended, but its still a ‘happy ending’ bc im a weak bitch with simple pleasures, what can i say lmao

Reticence

“What do you want for breakfast, sunshine?” 

Silence. 

Hoseok sighed, then straightened up again, walking over to the refrigerator. You remained sat by the kitchen island, empty gaze fixed on the marble countertop. 

“Omelettes it is, then!” He exclaimed with artificial excitement, trying to be cheery in the face of your taciturnity, but even the sunshiney optimist that was Hoseok was finding it more difficult than he expected. He had hoped that by now you would’ve accepted him, but you remained as quiet and unresponsive as the day he brought you home. Not that you thought of it as ‘home’ yet, but he hoped you would eventually. Hoseok was not a patient man, but he was willing to wait forever for you. 

You didn’t even blink when he set the plate down in front of you. It didn’t seem like you were going to attempt to eat it either. Hoseok sighed. He could understand if you didn’t want to talk to him yet — even though it had been months and he’d been nothing but kind to you — but he drew the line at refusing to eat. 

You had lost weight. The cute cheeks he loved to watch bunch up as you smiled were now sunken. Your beautiful figure which he had admired from afar was starting to become worryingly waif-like. Hoseok frowned, a crinkle between his brows forming for the first time as his usually exuberant features warped with agitation.

“Listen, Y/n-” Hoseok sat down at the kitchen island across from you, bracing his forearms against the table and leaning forwards. “You have to eat. I promise there’s nothing in it that could hurt you. Look, I’ll even eat it myself!” Hoseok carved out a small piece of the omelette and popped it in his mouth, exaggerating his chewing and swallowing. “See?” You offered no reaction, and Hoseok felt his disappointment join the omelette on its way down to his stomach. 

“I can understand that you maybe aren’t so happy with me right now, but that doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself. Just, please, please stop shutting me out.” His pleading tone did nothing to move you. You just sat there like a ghost, and a groan of frustration slipped out of Hoseok. 

“Please! I’m begging you! Just eat! I don’t understand, all I want to do is take care of you! All I want to do is love you, why won’t you accept me? Why won’t you even talk to me?” 

The only sound was Hoseok’s harsh breaths after his outburst. If he couldn’t see the slow rise and fall of your chest, Hoseok would think you weren’t alive at all. He slumped in his seat, allowing himself to wallow in self-pity for a moment, before forcing himself to get up and ready for work. When he passed through the kitchen again on his way out the door you were still sitting there, staring at the countertop. 

The front door banged shut, the sound echoing in the apartment. Then, silence. And then, very quietly, the noises of cutlery moving against a plate and chewing. 

~~~~~~

“I don’t know what to do~” Hoseok whined, his head buried in his hands. Around him, his shocked friends were gathered in an informal circle. Each of them had an expression with varying degrees of surprise and confusion — they had never seen Hoseok, the literal personification of sunshine, so dismayed. 

“It’ll be ok, Hoseok. I know it’s bad at the moment, but you just have to wait until she trusts you. Once you achieve her trust, you’ll both be the happiest you’ve ever been.” Taehyung reassured him. Taehyung was obviously the source of authority, since him and his wife were basically the perfect couple. 

“But what if she never trusts me?” Hoseok fretted, before groaning again. “She won’t even eat! I don’t know what to do, I’m just watching her slowly starve in front of me and she won’t even look at me!” The rest of the group paused as they digested this new information. It seemed this girl was particularly stubborn.

“Force feed her then.” Jin shrugged and Hoseok’s head shot up in outrage.

“No! I could never hurt her like that!”

“You’re hurting her by letting her starve.” Jeongguk pointed out, and Namjoon smacked the back of his head, chastising. Meanwhile, Hoseok looked like he was about to cry.

“Listen, Hoseok, are you sure this girl is the one?” Jimin questioned, bracing his clasped hands on his knees. 

“I know she is.” Hoseok replied with a conviction he rarely used. “The second she came into my life, it was like I was born again and she was the first thing I saw. The only thing I could see. Her face- God, it just… glows. She’s like sunshine. She’s an angel. She’s so beautiful and kind and fragile and I want to protect her from everything, and I don’t deserve her but no one else does either and I know we’re meant to be together. If I thought I could’ve let her go, I would have. But I can’t. I have to have her, she has to be mine.” 

The circle of men was quiet for a second, before a quiet chuckle broke the silence. 

“Well then,” Yoongi rasped, “if she’s all that you say she is-”

“She is.” Hoseok interjected fiercely.

“Then all you can do is have a little patience.”

~~~~~~~~~~

It was incredibly boring being kidnapped. Especially when your kidnapper did nothing interesting except make bad food and dance along to music from the TV surprisingly well and cry sometimes when you wouldn’t look at him. Frankly, it would have been easier if he were more of the torturey-type, because it was really hard to stay stubborn in the face of his sparkling eyes and radiant smile.

When you were younger, there was a poster up on the wall of your homeroom at school. On it was an old man with an ugly sneer and a beige trench-coat, with the slogan ‘DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS’ superimposed in glaring red letters. You used to stare up at the poster and wonder how anyone could be so stupid as to talk to someone who looked like that. 

You were never afraid to yell ‘STRANGER DANGER’ at the highest decibel your little lungs could manage whenever a person brushed too close to you in the mall. It was almost a habit — you were avidly fixated on your own personal safety, much to your mother’s chagrin and public embarrassment. Being banned from all the surrounding stores within a 20 mile radius had two consequences:

You had to drive forty minutes for a new pair of socks.

You stayed at home a lot more than you went out.

You became a homebody, and it was certainly not something you were unhappy about. Staying safe in your room meant there was less risk for someone to kidnap you. The comforting layer of your blanket was a shield from everything bad in the world. When your parents were arguing constantly, screaming at each other every other night, you would just tuck yourself in and read a bedtime story on your own since they were both occupied. When your parents eventually divorced, you buried yourself under your duvet rather than answer their questions about who you wanted to stay with, and what your preference was. When your mom died in a car crash, and your dad started drinking, your mattress was the shoulder you could cry on, your blanket was a warm arm holding you close. You had always felt safe in your bed. Perhaps that was why you were having such an averse reaction to being taken from it.

Hoseok was not a man with an ugly sneer and a trench coat. He had an impeccable sense of style, and his smile was breathtaking on the few occasions that it appeared. You more often saw his face twisted into a pained grimace. For a kidnapper, he was awfully sensitive. You were pretty sure it was reasonable for you to be holding grudge, and it’s not as if you were actively fighting against him or anything. You were just refusing to acknowledge him. You were highly skilled at repressing things, or ignoring them, and you were resolved to do the same now. 

By 7 o’ clock, your resolve was slightly eroded. Hoseok always arrived back at half-past 5 on the dot. He was a very punctual person, and you felt an unwelcome sense of worry curl along the edges of your mind as the clock counted away the seconds of him not being there. You remembered feeling the same way when you waited for your mom to pick you up from your dads, watching the clock hand sweep past the numbers, increasingly taunting. Of course, you hadn’t realised that she was at the time caught in between a lorry with a drunk driver and a very steep incline. You wondered if you were being similarly clueless now. 

When the door clicked open at quarter to 9, you had to restrain yourself from exhaling in relief. Hoseok came in looking slightly disheveled, his collar undone and his hair mussed as if he had ran his hands through it over and over again. He gave you a quick once over to see if you were alright, shot you a small, forced smile and then went straight to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

That was odd. He never closed the door to his bedroom. He had always left it open in case you needed anything, despite your refusal to acknowledge him. First, his late arrival and now yet another uncommon action? You felt curiosity bubble within you. That was it. Curiosity. It’s not that you were at all worried about him, you were just being nosy. Of course. 

You tiptoed towards the door, tracing a finger around the door frame lightly. What if he didn’t even come out again for dinner? You doubted he had dined out without you, he had been eating his meals sitting across from you while you refused to touch yours since the day he stole you. You really should check on him, if only for the fact that if he dies then you’re trapped here with a high chance of starvation.

Before you could convince yourself not to, you opened the door and stepped inside. The only light-source came from the moonlight filtering through the window, casting Hoseok’s form lying on the bed in a deep blue. His eyes, which you assumed had been closed previously, shot open to observe you as he propped himself up on the backs of his forearms.

“Y/n.” He rasped, and a pleasant shiver ran down your spine. “D-do you need anything?” His tone was both excited and confused, probably because you had literally never directly interacted with him before. 

You didn’t speak, and for the first time your silence was due to speechlessness, rather than a conscious desire.

“I-I, uh,” You stuttered, and Hoseok sat up ramrod straight, hearing your voice for the first time. “You… were late home.”

Hoseok felt like he couldn’t breathe. Your voice was so soft and pretty, fuck, and you were actually looking at him, you were actually talking to him, holy shit- and you called the apartment home. You said he was late ‘home’. Hoseok somehow managed to keep his shit together. 

“I was?”

“Yes.” You confirmed with a small nod of your head. Fuck, you were so cute. “You normally come back at half five. It’s almost nine now.”

“I’m sorry. I was working late.” He was staying at the office because he felt guilty for not taking proper care of you and wanted to avoid seeing the proof of your unhappiness, but you didn’t need to know that. 

“It’s ok.”

You remained standing at the foot of the bed, locked in his gaze. The bed looked so comfortable, moulding to support his body, and his warm body was exactly the comforting presence you were searching for all those years ago and you found yourself asking,

“Can I sleep in the bed with you?” 

It was a quiet, timid suggestion but Hoseok reacted to it like a bombshell. His eyes practically popped out of their sockets and his entire body tensed. You were about to rescind your offer when he reached out a tugged a corner of the blanket down, welcoming you into the warmth. 

You awkwardly sat on the edge of the mattress, nudging off your house slippers with your toes before slipping under the covers. The relief was instantaneous, shrouded in comforting and familiar warmth, and you couldn’t stop yourself from plastering yourself against his side, arm reaching out tentatively to rest on his chest. You felt his muscles jump under your touch, before his arm slid under you and tucked around your shoulders, drawing you into him closer. You closed your eyes, letting out a quiet little sigh, and you let yourself say the words you wish you could’ve said all those years ago when your mother never returned.

“I’m glad you’re home. I missed you.” 

[manjuhitorie]

Hitorie Interview - Skream! Magazine - Feb. 2021 Issue

First and foremost, I'd like to address REAMP as a whole. I couldn't help but pick up on signs inner turmoil and sorrow over wowaka's unfortunate passing, among a brand new resolve. What's your opinion on this such take?

Shinoda: We voluntarily chose to vent those feelings without any beating around the bush. This band has taken a huge twist in terms of the one who sings, writes, and produces the music, after all. There’s no point in hiding that, we felt. To be completely honest, even after all this time we still haven’t exactly regained our balance at all. Sad is sad. In order to express our choice to push onwards, the cards we had in our hands are.... -Actually the word “cards” was a poor choice. We merely had no other option but to express our feelings outright. ygarshy: We weren’t in the place to put together a theme or concept for the album or anything like that either. We felt baffled and confused by the very fact that we were making songs at all, but nevertheless I felt we had to do it, we just have to. We were wishy-washy so, we decided to hold the times we 4 made songs together close to our hearts, and use that as our foothold: to just try and write as we always do. Shinoda: Squeezing a song out was our one and only objective. Yumao: Yeah. The universe wowaka alone had created and his structures and all that.. To be honest, this new album is cut off from it... We chose to not agonize over trying to recreate it, and to rather let whatever we could just flow out of us.

I have a question about the timeline. After wowaka’s passing, when did you make the concrete decision to keep Hitorie alive?

Shinoda: To be real, we still haven’t even made that decision. Yumao: We haven’t concretely said “Let’s keep this up.” or anything. Our mixed emotions are still churning, or how to say it... When we wrote the music we become immersed and even excited about it but, once our songs were laid out on the table we came back to our senses, like “Uhm? Is this okay?” ygarshy: Even now I’ll have sudden thoughts like “Hm? What am I doing here?”, even when we toured as a trio for the Hitori-Escape Tour 2019, I never thought ‘Let’s keep going on like this’ as well, owing to the circumstances. Just, if we didn’t do it we would’ve lost out minds is all. Shinoda: He speaks the truth alright. ygarshy: If we had to make a thoughtful commitment, I think it would’ve taken us hundreds upon hundreds of years until we finally made a move.

Was there not any type of critical moment during the tour wherein you realized “We can do this?”

Shinoda: Truthfully, during the tour I was so deep into it that I barely even the foggiest memory as to what was going through my brain back then. What I can say for sure is that 2 years ago on June 1st at the Memorial Concert (At Shinkiba Studio Coast), before that day I hadn’t stood on the stage in months. For the past 10 years of my life I haven’t gone that long without the stage. So when I got up for the Memorial Concert, despite it being a tragic event, I felt that when I’m up on stage with this band my mental state is the most stable it ever is. We even all went out for Chinese food after that.

The three of you did?

Shinoda: Yep. We drank our heads off and talked about how “We could totally manage a tour too, eh?” Yumao: Since our HOWLS tour (Hitorie Tour 2019 “Coyote Howling”) was cancelled, we felt we owed something, that we had to do something. We may be sad but, even more important than that was the urgency of the situation.

So there was no resolve or concrete decision to tour and make an album then.

Shinoda: Yep, looking back, I think that’s right.

Were you writing songs while touring?

Shinoda: We started writing around March of 2020? Yumao: Due to COVID-19 we had a lot of free time on our hands, so we took the oppurtunity. Though it wasn’t as if we said “Alright, let’s get going!”, we just all knew it was imminent, and that we had to do it at some point. That point was then.

Which was the first song you wrote?

Among the ones which made the cut, “Marshall A” was the first one consummated at the studio. Though “Utsutsu” was the first one made in my head. Around the end of the tour in 2019 the idea for the phrases took form. I felt that if I was to ever write for Hitorie again, this would be it.

”Utsutsu” stresses sorrow way thicker and heavier than any of the other songs in the album, so it makes sense that it came first.

Shinoda: It gets my feelings across, doesn’t it... The lyric and sung melody of “Utsutsu da ne” were around since the beginning.

Did you each make a song voluntarily?

Yumao: Yessiree. It was like “I’m’ere writing, so you'd better pick it up too." Shinoda: We had the slogan "Let's make 10 songs in one month". Yumao: Even if it was one chorus of a song, that would be okay. Shinoda: In the end, the ratio of songs I, ygarshy and Yumao completed was 8:1:1 (Though in the album itself it became 6:2:2). It might seem unbalanced, but this is perfectly balanced for us. ygarshy: Shinoda just makes a heap ton of songs. Shinoda: From there we picked and chose.

Did you have any standards for which would make the cut? Such as befitting of the current Hitorie or not?

Shinoda: That too was all over the place. Personally when I write, I place importance in how it will pan out with Hitorie as a whole but, I also contemplated what would fit our band's current climate. "Should the guitar not be too distorted?" "Should it not sound too 'rock band-ish'?", my mind was going crazy, I thought it would be best if it was entirely chilled out and mellow. There  was a moment when a switch flipped.

It is true that songs such as 'tat' do take that direction, but after listening to the complete album I have to say, the rock band-ish style is in full bloom. There's a lot of distortion too.

Shinoda: Yep, it's distorted. Yumao: And it's rock (giggling). ygarshy: Listening to Shinoda say that just now made me upset.

Why is that?

ygarshy: Because I had purposefully intended for it to be distorted. Everyone: Ahahaha!

So you like distortion (laughing). To push this point further, would it be true to say that those are core aspects of Hitorie's style? Shinoda: Ahh, there’s definitely truth in that.

Yumao: The one most mindful of that had to have been ygarshy. Whatever we release next can’t be too distant from classic Hitorie, he was the one who secured how best to keep the string in tact.

Where was the poster song ’curved edge’ made in the creative process timeline? Shinoda: We upheld the slogan of 10 songs a month for about 2 months, and ‘curved edge’ was the final one. I wanted to make a classic Hitorie style riff-based song, but I didn’t want high-tempos. ‘curved edge’ was where I finally found the perfect balance between my wishes and Hitorie’s standards.

Hitorie never made songs with unwavering low tempos that take off into an uplifting dance breakdown at the chorus up until now after all.  

Shinoda: Yeah. We all made the silent agreement to absolutely not try and make songs like wowaka’s.

I can definitely detect wowaka’s influence on your music, which is natural after being in a band together for so long. So, you kept it at.

ygarshy: We’ve each grown a keen sense for this. Suppose we were to show wowaka a song we wrote that mimics his style... He would make a really disgusted face. We just know, we just have a sense for it.

Shinoda: That’s the thing he despises the most after all.

ygarshy: That’s right. It would be but as a parody. And we wouldn’t want to do that.

ygarshy, you wrote the songs ‘Image’ and ‘dirty, correct. The melody of them feel nostalgic and longing, yet simultaneously evoke a rush and shivers.

ygarshy: In my current state letting the music flow out of me is all I’m capable of. Last spring, or summer was it, where we were showing each other our songs I.... Felt sad. So sad. Like “Why am I writing songs for Hitorie? Why is this what it’s come to?”

Yumao: Yep yep.

ygarshy: That’s why “dirty” and “Image” both are not very elaborate pieces. There’s much room to mix up chords or arrange it to be complex but, I just really had no heart to do that. Whatever popped out of my head wasn’t tinkered in the slightest, my wish was to keep in its organic simple form.

So when you handled the arrangement of music as a band, did you change as little as possible?

ygarshy: For the two songs I brought in, they were nice and stayed as close to demo version as they possibly could. “dirty” especially has a garage-style melody and tone which clicks immediately, so the lyrics and singing were molded to follow suit. Shinoda: Him (ygarshy) and I are the same age and all, so I pretty much can grasp whatever he goes for. Like he was probably going for those late 1990’s declining vibes. ygarshy: Exactly. I had thought to myself that I wanted dirty lyrics, and he actually delivered just that. I’d like to hear the story behind the two songs Yumao wrote as well, “YUBIKIRI” and “faceless enemy”. Both melodies are pop.

Yumao: That just kind of happens with me. Shinoda: He makes my contemplating and agonizing look stupid, because those songs are just as clear as fresh water. Yumao: All I did was squeeze out whatever I could (laughing). To be honest, I think my songs will be the most unacceptable to Hitorie’s listeners. I may be a member of Hitorie, and understand Hitorie like the back of my hand but, from the start I knew I’m incapable of writing songs to Hitorie’s standards. I took a realistic approach. ygarshy: Though I really enjoy the music Yumao wrote before Hitorie. So when he brought it those genuine honest pieces, I was so happy. I think I like the songs more than he himself does.

The fact that you chose to keep Yumao’s songs in the album despite them not being perfectly Hitorie fashioned, sounds like proof that you’ve found your answer for this album.

Yumao: Pedaling to the mettle is what I have to do, it’s all I can do. No matter if it’s acceptable or not, I’m doing what I can. That’s one message behind my songs.

Your song “YUBIKIRI” as the final track of the album has a lot of impact as well. It’s a bright and cheery song yet somehow it brings a tear to the eye.

Shinoda: Doesn’t it?

Yumao: It’s very cheery and it’s the brightest of the mix, isn’t it. When I wrote I was riding the groove in over my head, so I asked Shinoda to make the lyrics sound immature, like something a teenager would click with. I felt knotted up inside, and I needed something to break the chains for me. Completely divert from what Hitorie should or shouldn’t do, I alone needed to express and vent myself. And that’s how this song happened.

Shinoda: Yumao made that direct request of me, so I steered my word choices far away from any purple-prose. The keyboard was played by NariHane of Passpied, and when those 3 were off recording the music without me, I finished the lyrics. That’s how quickly they were zipped out.

After completing a whole album, how do you feel, do you think you will be able to continue on like this?

Shinoda: I don’t know yet. We’ll have to hear the people’s opinions. ygarshy: And what are we going to do after hearing them? After performing all these concerts? is one apprehension I have but,.. everything feels so up in the air.

Yumao: I know we haven’t said anything conclusive but! I want people to know we have a mountain of hypotheses on how we could move forward, on how we could keep Hitorie going, on how we could keep wowaka alive but, for now this album was just a do-or-die for us!

Shinoda: We made it, that’s all we needed.

Yumao: Yep. It was an absolute for us. I want to get that point across. This album is our declaration: that “We’ve taken one step forward”!

[neocatharsis]

“Finding My Style with NCT 127!” This time, the leader of the group, TAEYONG!

Read full interview here https://mensnonno.jp/post/35509/

MN: In our pre-interview questions, we asked every member of NCT 127 how you would like to introduce yourself to the readers of MEN’S NON-NO as if you were a friend meeting for the first time. Your answer was very simple and to the point;

“I am someone who loves to dance and rap.”

When did you realize that this was the core of who you are?

T: This is actually what I just recently started feeling. It has been four years since my debut, which makes this my fifth year as a performing artist. I have been on many stages. In the past, I think the help I received from those around me, and my colleagues, is how I was encouraged to work hard and somehow gain confidence in what I did. But now, having gone through that process, I feel I have grown enough to be able to adequately show my rap and dance skills on stage.

MN: To the question, “What is the one thing that you can hold your head up high about?” you wrote,

“TAEYONG on stage.”

T: Yes, that’s right! I feel like I have just reached the point where I am fully ready to stand on stage.

MN: Do you have an ideal about yourself as to how you would like to be seen by others?

T: Well… I aspire to show all of me to the audience. So, if they could all just watch over me with a little more interest, I’m sure they will be able to understand everything about me.

MN: From the aspects of “dance” and “rap” that are important to you right now, could you share with us which songs and what sections of each song you really want the fans to see, respectively?

T: For rap, I would say ‘Chain’, which was our debut song in Japan. We have a Japanese version and a Korean version, so we rap in both languages. Then, I would say my solo song, ‘Long Flight’, which was just released over a year ago. For dance, I would say ‘Kick It’, which YUTA-san also brought up in the previous interview.

MN: Speaking of dance, you have posted many online videos of your freestyle dancing.

T: I have a lot of recommendations, but if I were to pick just one, it would have to be the one where I dance to The Pack’s ‘Oh Go’. I have great memories of how much fun it was to shoot that one with other members of NCT 127, and more than anything, the scenery was pivotal. We shot that one in Thailand. When shooting a video for my freestyle dancing, I’m very particular about the scenery. This is because I always want to incorporate the beautiful landscape I find in all the places from each country we travel to when touring. It’s not like I prepare before going to a location, but rather, shoot when we run into a place that I find beautiful. So, the dancing may not always be perfect, but I am pleased about this video where we were able to capture the beautiful landscape in Thailand. 

MN: So, it is a creative piece of work where your inspiration came to life.

T: Yes, exactly. There are times when I don’t quite nail it, but I always aim to get a good one.

What Is Vital For You As A Global Artist?

MN: Is there something that is vital for you when performing in different countries under the slogan “To the world”?

T: I think this is something we share with many other artists. Each country has its own language and some words should not be used. There are also ways you shouldn’t act. So, you have to be aware of these things. Each time we are on the stage, I believe it is important to communicate with our fans in each country. I try to understand the culture and come up with a style that is appropriate for that culture. At the same time, I also want to share with the audience what I feel emotionally at that moment, as well as how touched I am. As I mentioned earlier, the scenery is very important to me, and I honestly just love to see the landscapes, So, when I find the beauty in that country, I simply want to share that with the fans of other countries.That is why I try to take as many photographs as I can.

What Kind Of Team Is NCT 127?

MN: As the leader of the group, what kind of a team would you say is NCT 127? Could you tell us some of the good points?

T: First of all, I don’t really think of myself as a leader, most of the time (LOL). But as TAEYONG, one of the team members, I can honestly say that each and every one of us has so many possibilities, with the power to open many doors. That is why I think we are a team that will be able to continue to enjoy sharing our time with our fans for a long time to come and build on good memories together. For me, all the members are kind, respectful, multi-talented, and I have nothing but praise for their personalities. Even though there are a lot of us, I believe that we all understand one another. This is always something I think about, but we already work hard to do our best and we do live up to expectations. So all we really need to do, is continue to do ‘our norm’, and that to me, is taking our cool to another level.

MN: How wonderful it must be to feel so proud of everyone in your group.

T: Of course, the power in our performances are something to be said for! I personally have also been deeply inspired by NCT 127 when it comes to music. Even with life in general, the great memories keep piling up every day, and it has also been a blessing to meet so many of our fans.

Any Memorable Moments With Your Fans?

MN: Speaking of your fans and being cool, to our question, “What does NCT 127 consider as being cool”, you answered,

“The coolest thing would be the cheering voices of our fans heard from the stage.”

What do your fans mean to you?

T: That is a very tough question (in Japanese). I am always surrounded by many super nice people, and even though I am perfectly happy, we receive further support and love from the fans. I really appreciate how they make me want to try harder, which is a driving force that motivates me even more. So, in the same way, I want to think about our fans as much as they do about us.

MN: What memorable moment do you have of looking into the audience from the stage?

T: On our last Japan tour, I loved the atmosphere when we sang the song titled ‘Long Slow Distance’. The setlist prior to that song was mainly performance-based with intricate staging, but suddenly the mood became very calm and serene. When we were singing this song, I felt like we were able to take the time to really look into our fans’ faces, and that the fans were also able to look into our faces. That was a memorable moment that felt amazing.

How Did You Come To Know About Music and Culture, And What Are Your influences?

MN: When looking over your responses to our questions, it feels like your older sister has had a significant impact on you. In response to the question about your influences, you said, “My sister. My sister has had a big impact on me because a lot of the things I like, for example, Japanese anime by Studio Ghibli and music, like Justin Timberlake, they all came from my sister.” Then, in response to the question about who you admire because of his or her style, you answered, “I used to like Cole Mohr because of my sister. His style was so funk and super cool.”

T: Whenever I had difficult times, my sister was always there to be by my side, so it was only natural that I came to rely on her. Every little thing, really even things that were trivial, became good memories for me. For example, during the hot summer months, sometimes I slept in my sister’s room because she had an air conditioner. That was when she showed me Ghibli movies and we had some good times together. Also, I got a hand-me-down MP3 player from my sister, and when I looked at the song list inside, the music my sister listened to was in there. Justin Timberlake and a lot of other pop songs. I wasn’t that interested in the music at the time, but after I listened to it, I found there were a lot of really good songs. So, that’s when I started listening to that type of music even more.

MN: So, that’s why your sister pops up more than once regarding your influences.

T: Yes. To think those tiny little memories would one day become a huge part of who I am now. I really think I owe it to my sister, That’s why I love my sister so much, and I still rely on her as well.

What Kind Of Adult Do You Want To Live To Be?

MN: There were some responses that caught our attention that had nothing to do with your group activities or fashion, so let’s go into detail regarding those. In response to the question, “What kind of an adult do you want to become?”, you answered, “I want to be an adult that someone can rely on.” Is there a reason behind this?

T: In the process of growing up, other than my parents, I feel like I met adults in society for the first time after joining SM (SM Entertainment, an agency for NCT 127). I mean, I’m sure I was blessed with good adults around me back then as well, but at that time I was a child and didn’t really think about it. But after I joined SM Entertainment, I met adults I could look up to, and there was a time when I knew I wanted to become like that. So, as I grew older and the years passed by, when I started to think “I wonder what kind of an adult I’ll become”, I always felt like I wanted the strength to be able to protect someone, and to have the intellectual sharpness and cleverness to be able to do so. So, I could have just as easily responded that “I want to become a decent adult”, but because I want to be an adult who has the strength to be able to protect someone, I wrote, “I want to become an adult that someone can rely on.”

MN: To the question, “What do you want to conquer?”, your response of “I want to conquer the future to come,” was also quite impressive.

T: Even though I haven’t lived that long, when you jump into society and live your life, I’ve come to learn that you have to conquer your past, the present, and the future. I am able to do what I want to do right now because I was fortunate enough to find a good agency. So, in that respect, I am grateful to both the past and the present. But who really knows what the future will bring, you know? I’m sure that many of you are hoping to live your lives while preparing for the future, and I am the just same. So, in answer to this question, that is the reason why I wrote that I want to conquer the future more than I do the past or present. I feel that I want to place my worries on the future more than anything else because it has yet to come.

MN: You mentioned earlier that you “want to become an adult that someone can rely on”. We can see how you deeply care about the people around you, while also having a positive outlook on the future.

T: Well, I think a big part of it has to do with the fact that I am surrounded by good people. As I continue to work, I can honestly say that I am the type of person who has a strong sense of always being helped by the people around me. The fact is, these people care about me, support me, and work alongside me, and I hope to continue to work with them for a long time to come. This desire heightens my sense of responsibility. The same is true for the other members. The more I am surrounded by good people, the greater my sense of responsibility becomes.

MN: You said you don’t really think of yourself as the leader, but it seems like you are aware of your surroundings and that you have various thoughts on your mind.

T: Hahaha, no, no.

MN: Finally, to sum up your story thus far, what would you say, TAEYONG-san’s “My Own Style” is…

T: It’s about “meeting” others. Everyone around me and the agency has made me who I am today. I love them all. I want to cherish each and every person I meet, so that I can have the opportunities to step into environments that are good and to be able to achieve what I want to do.

MN: Please tell us what we can expect from NCT 127 in the future.

T: Our new 2nd mini-album for Japan, ‘LOVEHOLIC’, will be released on December 23rd. We are working on it now, and you can expect great things! We look forward to seeing you all in Japan soon.

MN: Thank you very much for today.

T: (In Japanese) Thank you right back. Looking forward to the next time〜!

[sincerlypadfoot]

Comfort And Death (3)

Ader the death of Regulas Black, you take confinement in Sirius who cared for you like a sister after Regulas died, becoming each others person, you stay at the Blackhouse,After having a hard time griefing one night you go to the place Regulas died

Word Count-1112

Send Requests Here

                                        July 31th 1981

“Goodmorning,” I mumbled walking down the stairs. “Did you send Harry's birthday present already, I’m sure he’ll love the little broom you picked out for him,” I said to Sirius sitting down at the table.

“Yes, the owl had taken it this morning,” Sirius said eating the food Remus had just made. “This is really good,” He said with a mouthful of food.

“Yeah, it’s like a professional cook made me,” Remus chuckled making me chuckle, I dug into my food starving. “Kreature could you go grab the mall,” Remus asked not looking behind him.

“I can get it, it’s no worry,” I said to Remus getting up from my stop and walking over to the mall, Kreature followed me over and opened the mailbox for me, outside was cooled and leaves were already started to fall around London.

“What's in the mail?” Sirius asked digging into his second plate of food of the morning. “Any new magazines?” He asked making me chuckle.

“No, nothing for me, you guys can sort through it,” I huffed tossing the mail on the table and sat back down on the chair.  “This is really good though Remus,” I said repeated Sirius and munching down on my eggs.

The day had gone by as normal, even know it had been four years since Regulas had passed the tension in the house was weird, no one could say his name without the other one breaking down into tears, usually Sirius and I, Remus was the caretaking of us two, making sure he had eaten and didn’t start isolating ourselves from everyone.

“Does anyone wanna play cards?” Remus asked as we all sat in the living room listening to the radio. “Or not,” He chuckled as Sirius and I had listened to him.

“Just in!” The radioman called out. “I am getting live news that apparently the dark lord has perished!” He said, Sirius and I both jumped up and looked at the radio. “This is not false news people, the dark lord has perished!” He shouted, the three of us looked at eachother.

“What the hell?” I asked looking at the two. The boys put their hands out for me to shut up so we could continue listening to the radio.

“An infant!” He called out, the radioman had. “The only survivor of the attack tonight,” The man said running out of excitement. “Lily and James Potter have been attacked, killed, their infant Harry Potter is the only one who has survived this attacked,” Tears streamed down my face again, I dropped my drink on the wood ground and was unsure of what to do.

“I need to go!” Sirius called out running out of the room, Remus quickly followed him and I had falling back onto the couch, feeling the pain I had felt almost four years ago.

“The boy who survived,” The radioman said. “The Dark Lord is gone!” He shouted cheers from people behind him were heard, laughs and giggles but this house was again filled with tears.

“No,” I cried outputting my hands on my head. “NO,” I screamed rolling to my side and curling into a ball, the couch slowly became soaked with my tears. I hadn’t cared, Sirius’ screams were heard from the other room.

“Harry Potter, the boy who lived,” The radioman said creating a slogan that would follow Harry for the rest of his life. “Everyone celebrated tonight! We’re free!” He yelled then the radio cut, the house was now filled was sobs and screams again after four years.

“We’re going to get Harry, are you coming?” Remus asked with tears going down his face. “It’s what James and Lily would have wanted,” He said, I got up from the couch, using the wall the hold me up.

“We’re gonna raise a baby? The three of us?” I whispered following Sirius out of the house, Remus was behind me holding me up.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Sirius said, he flung himself to the side of the house and held onto the wall, I walked over moving his long hair out of his face and tying it up. “We have to go get him,” Sirius said standing up and looking at me. I nodded my hand and we walked to the motorcycle that sat in the driveway. Remus and Sirius had sat together on the motorcycle well I placed myself on the side that James had built, I smirked at myself then stopped once we had taken off into the sky, Sirius had put a cover on us so muggles weren’t about to see us.

“We’re almost here,” Remus shouted, I looked below us, wizards and witches all around were dancing and laughing, lights were showing all above, I smiled as we landed.

“I’ll go get him, you guys stay here, just, watch out,” I said to Sirius and Remus, I crawled out of the motorcycle seat and looked around, the house was completely destroyed. James Potter laid on the stairs of their house, I walked up to him, shedding a bit a tear. “I’ll take care of him, I promise, watch over us James,” I whispered shutting his eyes and planting a kiss on his forehead, looking at the boy who cared for me even in hate.

I made my way up to the second floor, a blue-lit room filled the hallway, the only room that had looked untouched. “Is there anyone here?” I shouted pointing my wand ahead of me as I walked towards the room.

“This is my fault,” I heard a man's voice whimpered, I opened the door room, Severus Snape held Lily's dead boy in his arms. “She’s dead, they’re both dead,” He cried.

“Get out of here Severus,” I said ignoring him, feeling uncomfortable. “I’m taking Harry okay,” I said picking up the baby from his crib, his tear-soaked face made my heartbreak.

“I’m not sure how it happened, but he just vanished, into the air,” Severus said, I looked at him holding Harry in my arms. “He’ll be back, and I’m gonna kill him,” He said.

“I trust you to do the right thing with their bodies, I will plan their funeral,” I whispered letting tears fall down my face. “It’ll be okay Harry,” I cooed holding the baby tightly to me as we walked out of the bright room, I grabbed James' quidditch sweater that hung up beside the door and wrapped Harry in it.

“Is he okay?” Remus asked as I walked out with Harry now laid across my arms, his eyes shut and his breathing was heavy. 

“He’s okay,” I whispered crawling myself back into the motorcycle. “Let’s get back home please,” I whispered not able to look at the boys, tears dropped onto James' sweater as I held Harry close to my chest. 

[adapembroke]

Reading Tarot Like The Hierophant

For many years, I hated the Hierophant.

Whenever it came up in a reading, I sighed, dutifully tried to understand why it was bothering me, and shoved it back in the box as soon as possible. Most of the time I gained nothing from these interactions, even though I knew the Hierophant wasn’t silent. I just didn’t believe the Hierophant could possibly have anything useful to say to me.

The Hierophant is the archetype of traditional, usually religious, authorities. Nuns and priests and popes, temples and tabernacles, synods, dojos, and twelve steps groups . The original name of this card was The Pope, appropriate for a deck designed in Christian Europe,

I am not a person who works easily with the Hierophant. The anti-authoritarian stereotypes of Aquarius moons resonate strongly for me. I don’t do anything unless I know why I’m doing it and agree with the premise behind the action. Settings under the influence of the Hierophant are ritualistic. Their ability to function relies on everyone moving in lock-step. If you have questions, you follow the ritual and ask questions later. If you disagree with the answers to your questions, you leave.

Michelle Tea says in Modern Tarot:

“Conforming rightly has a bad reputation in contemporary culture; it’s used to keep bright spirits down, we think, and to preserve a dying status quo. Likewise, the concept of ‘tradition’ has been hijacked by people seeking to codify their dangerous opposition to a changing world.”

Conformity isn’t my happy place. I was convinced that for the happiness of everyone concerned, it would be best if I remained an outsider in the sphere of the Hierophant, but I was not a happy outsider. Not all of my experiences of the Hierophant were bitter. Without the Hierophant, something was missing in my life.

Beauty and Power of Ritual

There were a few years during college and just after when I had a wonderful relationship with the Hierophant. For most of that time, I belonged to a Christian church that was deeply ritualistic. When you walked into the sanctuary, you had to bow to the altar before taking your seat. You had to bow whenever someone said “Jesus,” and you had to make occult gestures with your hands during the reading of the Gospel. 

I grew up in a church that was much less formal, and this new way of doing worship was strange to me, like walking into a dance I didn’t know the steps to. I stumbled through the ritual like a newborn calf, but despite my clumsy gestures, I felt transported. It wasn’t just influence of the thick cloud of frankincense. (Though, frankincense is a mind-altering substance.) I wasn’t any kind of magician then, but I could feel that what they were doing had magical power, power I now recognize as the power of the Hierophant. 

The Hierophant’s power comes from tradition, the way that the repetition of meaningful words and gestures builds meaning over time. On the first day I walked into that church, they had been doing the same rituals in that space in the same way for hundred and fifty years. It felt like the rituals and incense had infused the walls. The rituals themselves had been altered little in fifteen hundred years. When the priest said the magic words of the Eucharist, I felt a sense of belonging, as if all of the congregations over time and space that had heard those words together were there with us, lending their power to the working. All of that accumulated power was palpable. I left the service each Sunday feeling like my batteries had been recharged.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take me long to see through the glamor and start asking questions, and when the answers I got to my questions didn’t satisfy me, I discovered that the Hierophant’s hold on that place was too rigid to hold me, and I left.

A few years after I left Christianity, I started studying the Tarot. The Hierophant felt like a tease, a reminder of something beautiful that I was incapable of participating in. It was easier to focus on the Hierophant’s bad side.

Leader of the Mindless Herd

Like all archetypes, the Hierophant has a shadow: Mobs of people coming together to chant slogans of hate, authoritarian leaders whipping people into a frenzy to support a controlling agenda, suicide cults filled with mindless automatons.

The same coordinated practice that builds power over time and that left me feeling empowered can be used just as easily to create power for evil.

Neuroscientists are just beginning to uncover the overwhelming power of habit. The human brain has to do an extraordinary amount of work in order to carry out simple functions. It is constantly trying to offload work as much as possible. It does this by using rituals, habits, and assumptions like a computer that relies on automated processes to do its job.

Group rituals, the natural habitat of the Hierophant, are simply habits that have been adopted by a people who have been trained to act as one. A person who has attended a liturgical Christian church for decades can perform the gestures of the Mass without thinking.

Once habits are set, they are extremely difficult to break. I built the habit of crossing myself every time I heard a siren, and it took me years of constant reminder not to do it to break myself of the habit after I left Christianity.

It is annoying to have to break a habit that no longer suits you, but habit itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Using hateful words can be a habit, but so is brushing your teeth. Habit becomes a problem when it helps you hurt yourself or others without thinking.

Hitler famously used the power of ritual in his rallies and parades to call the power of a nation to the service of hate. He created systems, habits, and gestures that made killing so easy for the bureaucrats in his service, the trials of his henchmen raised the question of whether they could have been accused of thinking about what they were doing at all.

The Hierophant, like habit, doesn’t take a side. Its power is present whenever groups of people use the magic of ritual to raise power. The Hierophant is there when people march for justice and when they rally for hate. The Hierophant is there when a community dances for joy and when they mourn at a funeral. The Hierophant uses the power of habit and group pressure to create addictions and break them.

Guardian of Initiation

The Tarot Pope became the Hierophant under the influence of Waite and Crowley who revised the Tarot in the 20th century. Historically, the Hierophant was the high priest of the Eleusinian Mysteries, a highly secretive cult in ancient Greece that celebrated the mystery of death and rebirth. In order to get in on the secrets of the Eleusinian mysteries, you needed to be initiated, and initiates were so good at keeping the secrets of the order very little is known about it today.

The Hierophant’s new emphasis on initiation was well in line with the archetype’s natural love of structure and conformity. Rachel Pollack says in 78 Degrees of Wisdom that when you work in an initiatory tradition, you are “entering a doctrine, with a set of beliefs which [you] must learn and accept before [you] can gain entrance.”

Initiatory traditions get a bad rap for their secretiveness. They must have something to hide, critics say, if they can’t share everything. But initiatory traditions at their best do not require initiates to assent to the doctrines of the order without knowing them. Instead, initiates are required to go through a discernment period where they think about the principles of the order and whether or not they can conform to them. Once they accept the doctrines of the order, then they are allowed access to the secret rituals and powers that would allow the initiate to use this knowledge.

This process of learning, processing, acceptance, and initiation helps to ensure that initiates do not adopt powerful new habits blindly. The Hierophant is at its most dangerous when masses of people assent to principles without thinking. The draw of belonging is powerful, and the need to require thoughtfulness and consent is one of the reasons for levels of initiation in traditions such as Wicca, the Masons, and Druid orders. At each stage, the initiate learns a little more, and the order and the initiate need to both give their consent before the initiate is allowed to go to the next level.

It was the initiatory side of the Hierophant that finally lead me to make peace with the archetype. I realized that you don’t need to be a mindless automaton to work with the archetype. I had been born into Christianity. I was initiated into the religion under the threat of hellfire before I was old enough to understand its beliefs and doctrines. But I am an adult now with strong beliefs and principles. When I meet the Hierophant in the robes of the initiator, I do it with love and trust and my eyes wide open.

Reading Tarot Like The Hierophant

In the context of a Tarot reading, the Hierophant is present in the rituals you build into your practice. If you always shuffle your cards and lay them out a certain way, you are participating in the Hierophant. The Hierophant helps you to discover the habits and gestures and techniques that make your readings better, and the Hierophant uses the power of habit to help you do those things consistently.

The Hierophant also influences your Tarot practice when you study within the context of magical orders or sit at the feet of mentors who work within a tradition, even if it is a tradition they’ve created themselves.

Because traditions gain power from unconscious habits of thought, it is important to become conscious of the beliefs and traditions that influence your readings.

It is healthy, too, to periodically set aside some time to consider your lineage. Where did your ideas about the meanings of the cards come from? Who are your Tarot teachers? Who were their teachers? How much do you know about the traditions they belong to? How much do you know about your own traditions? What assumptions about how the world works inform your practice? What do you believe about fate and free-will? The afterlife and past lives? Good, evil, and the nature of suffering?

Lastly, if you read for others, it is important to be open with your clients about your traditions and beliefs, as well. Whenever we read for others, we may be acting as initiators, even if we don’t realize it. Your clients have the right to consent before being initiated into your mysteries, just as you have that right when you present yourself to the Hierophant.

[wwounu]

love talk | lee jihoon

—every thoughtful curve of each letter on the ivory paper, it’s rose pink envelope standing out from the rest of the simple, white envelopes, your heart can only yearn more from the warm, loving words. you yearn, yet, you don’t seem to realise the answer is a miracle waiting to happen

“because of you, each day is beautiful. sometimes, i’m afraid it’ll all vanish, but each time i think that, you look at me and smile. you’re my miracle, it’s you.”

pairing: jihoon x reader + love letter!au

word count: 15k

warning: tiny tiny angst

note: 15.1k words?!?! this may have been the longest piece i have written ever, and i’m still late for woozi day... ah, i’m so annoyed with myself, i stayed up until 1am twice just to finish this, but never did get to finish it! but here we are! if i had more time, then i would’ve been able to write the ending much better, i think the only reason why it became an adlib to me was because i wanna watch vagabond... i’m also officially back — hooray! it’ll take me some time to adjust, i guess, a lot has happened since i’ve been gone, but i still followed svt because it’s me. in regards to opposites attract i’ll make a separate post about that, but for now, i hope you all enjoy this long fanfic! it really challenged me as a writer and, little fun fact, this was supposed to be a minghao fic originally. happy belated birthday, jihoon, i hope you remain happy and healthy for eternity. i admire you so much. (i promise you this is a jihoon fanfic haha — this isn’t proofread either... also iida best boy mwah)

An ivory paper sits securely inside your palm; its fluffy, blunt edge from where it’s been ripped apart multiple other pages, contrasting with neat and straight folds, care put into them. The envelope that originally held the note was rose pink — different from the simplicity of white envelopes — the change unusual but comforting as you read each handwritten curve of your name, a small heart at the end, possibly drawn hesitantly, probably not.

A wave of familiarity hits upon unfolding the contents, simple yet pretty handwriting filling the page, its ink radiating all the warmth from the words.

I thought about you today.

A strange thought to confess to you, but I just felt like saying it, so please hear me out.

You look like you’ve been busy these days, which is why I haven’t been writing as much to you. I didn’t want to be such a disturbance to your studies. Though — as I realised — it’s also important to support you and give the positive reminders you deserve. I know I’m quite late to it all, so I hope I can make it up to you next time… Not sure how I’ll do that yet, it’s still in the works.

I’m getting off track — just remember to take it easy on yourself and that you’re doing well so far. Good luck on your remaining essays! Things will get better afterwards, so hang in there for me, promise?

Oh! Do you know the strawberry milk on the table? That’s for you too. I promise I didn’t drug it or anything, in case you’re wondering. It’s a lame present, but I hope it energises you through the day… Ah I’m so lame haha. One day I’ll give to you in person.

I missed your smile, I hope I can see it again. You shine the brightest when you do.

(Did you also like the change in envelope? I think I’ll be using coloured envelopes more these days~)

Miracle.

You fold the letter and place in back into the envelope, eyes attracted to the carton of strawberry milk, a baby pink post-it note taped onto it saying drink well~ in the same writing. Your hand immediately reaches to the drink, punching the straw and taking a long, refreshed sip.

While you enjoy your drink, your eyes fly back to the letter, mind lingering on a particular thought.

“Something on your mind?” Someone’s voice registers near you, breaking the train of thought. You see the pout form on his lips, face innocent as he removes his bag.

“Nothing, Jihoon. Blanked out a little,” you awkwardly stammer, smiling with the straw in your mouth.

Lee Jihoon — one of your closest friends. Before the term friends, you knew about each other through friends until he found out you were going to the same university as him, giving perfect reason to start a friendship there and then. Despite having contrasting courses (in fact you weren’t in any classes together), you were easily each other’s go-to.

Jihoon’s eyes acknowledge the open envelope with the letter hanging out, soon turning back to you. “Where did the milk come from?” He points to the cute-sized carton.

Do you tell him?

No one knew about your secret, it didn’t seem important to mention really, but it stuck in your mind whether you’d tell it someday.

The letters began at the start of the year, in the middle of a cold, cold January, the wintery hex making you go as far as to forget your backpack in the library. Fortunately, your bag was still at the same spot where you left it, saving you from the panic and fear that would’ve came if it wasn’t the case.

But as you inspect the inside, that’s when you see it. When you see the snowy white sleeve of the envelope, no name addressed, except for simple letters spelling an ode to you on the outside. Curious, you pick it up assuming it’s for you, fingers working to slide across the envelope’s tongue, revealing the note that held your first ever love letter.

Miracle was his name. Or what he called himself, really. Even though you were curious about the name’s origin, it was all explained in the second letter, where he wrote the name as a last-minute thing (that letter was written a week after the first, found inside your textbook).

Seemed fitting for him in your case.

It was strange — having multiple love letters, let alone just one — but through time it made you more excited as you received them frequently, each day being less of please don’t be a serial killer and more of I hope he writes today, ending with a small smile that you don’t admit to having whenever you say so.

The thought alone triggered your finger to hover over the letter, a sudden burst of eagerness spreading inside you.

Time to reveal yourself Miracle, you think, I’m going to do everything it takes to find you.

“Long story short,” easily, you begin, “the milk and this letter are from Miracle.”

“Miracle?” Jihoon repeats, his expression wanting more coverage.

“Miracle has been sending me letters for a while now. I know the point of secret admirers is to be anonymous, but he seems like a cool guy, I wanna be friends with him.”

“And you’re telling me you aren’t convinced this is some prank or...”

“This is my first admirer, be more happy for me!” You frown instantly, fingertips gently brushing the envelope flap. “Problem is, I have no clue who Miracle could be. He could be anyone!”

Jihoon hums, his hand held out. “Pass me the letter,”

“Don’t rip it.”

“What makes you think I’ll do that?”

“Just a hunch.”

Busy finishing the strawberry milk, Jihoon opens the letter, eyes concentrated on the page for a strong five seconds before nicely handing it back in your possession.

All of a sudden, he leaves his seat.

“Hoon?” Eyes appearing childlike, Jihoon only hums in the midst of lifting his bag. “Are you going somewhere?”

Once his bag is lazily hung on one shoulder, he says, “We’re going to Seventeen. We’ll talk about Miracle there.”

Naturally, a smile spreads across your lips. Jihoon never fails to make you float with words — always trailed with gentleness.

By Seventeen, he means the campus coffee shop. Everyone in the university has visited the cafe one way or another, whether it be the Valentines day special offer (which its ridiculous slogan was ‘All orders half price if you bring someone you like a latte!’) or to daydream over the baristas.

Its exterior and interior was as equally impressive. Walls splashed in snowy white and accented with raven black, the sign outlining 7-TEEN in a muted sapphire blue, the dangling chalkboard displaying the specials in chalky rose writing. The inside held a same, homely feeling, following the palette of desaturated pink, blues and whites, completed with the dark floorboards and tables for comfort.

You seat yourself by the window — specially requested by Jihoon — able to see most of the coffee shop and Jihoon’s place in line from the corner.

He comes back with a black mug steaming with heat, a mountain of sugar packets at its side, and a cake for you and him to share (even though you both knew that you were finishing it).

“The love letter please,” Jihoon requests after bringing out one of his many journals, pages taken out and deflating the fullness of the book. You react unpleasantly to the term, handing the item nonetheless.

He sets up the letter beside his journal, fingers holding his pen as he produces rushed, messy scribbles — it was almost unreadable. The words at the top of the page read Miracle Suspect List, a tiny giggle earned from reading it.

“Now... Any ideas?”

Even Jihoon doesn’t need words to understand the utter panic frozen your face as he asks. He huffs a sigh.

“Let’s read what Miracle says, maybe that’ll help.” Jihoon leans to the note, eyes drawing strange patterns as they move across the note. “Hm, Miracle noticed you’ve been struggling these past few days, does that ring any bells?”

“I’ve been so busy I didn’t even notice...”

“It’s okay, you had other things to focus on. Totally valid.” Rhythmically, he taps the pen on his chin, lips pouted like a baby duck. “If Miracle was aware about this, maybe he’s someone in your major. Anyone from your lectures that you can think of?”

Rather than answering a simple no, you think very hard this time. Jihoon does a really good job in trying to narrow the perspective for you, so its your role to meet in the middle. This secret admirer business was harder than you thought.

You think through everyone in your class, filtering them one by one until it comes into your head, radiant as ever.

“There’s Junhui. We chat when we’re in the lecture hall and sit next to each other sometimes, I probably told him about my worries. We don’t talk outside much... Unless!” You exclaim, “Unless I meet him whilst he’s on shift here, then he doesn’t shy away from me.”

Right after saying that, Junhui enters the shop, greeting the cashier at the counter, his goofy smile plastered as he disappears into the staff room with a laugh.

“Okay. Junhui...” Jihoon says, stretching Junhui’s name as he scribbles, classmate and works at Seventeen jotted underneath.

Another person comes to mind, your hand tapping repetitively on Jihoon’s arm as you tried to recall. “Oh, oh!”

“Ow, ow — what?!” Mimics Jihoon.

“There’s Soonyoung!”

“Kwon? Dance leader Kwon?”

“I heard some rumours that he liked me when I helped out with the department spring showcase—“

“You won’t like him.” Deadpans Jihoon, the interruption slightly out of place.

“What?”

Jihoon shrugs. “I don’t like him,”

The statement further confuses you, given that the dance and music departments fit hand in hand, not to mention the student’s between both departments were the most stable (in this case, the drama majors were scarily the lone wolf of the three).

And other than you, Jihoon — being the music department’s campus prodigy and following the cliché — stuck like superglue to dancer Kwon Soonyoung.

“Aren’t you friends?” Your face paints a fusion of disgust and confusion.

“We’re friends,” he confirms, nodding firmly, “he just doesn’t seem like your type. He’s... Gullible sometimes. His energy will refresh you, but it’ll eventually drain.”

“You never know.” Replies you, only focusing at the statement about being your type.

Jihoon continues to write down Soonyoung’s name even after voicing his opinion, small devil horns and a pointy tail doodled at the around his name.

“Better than nothing. Anyone else on your mind?”

“Jeon Wonwoo?” You raise your tone at the end. “I don’t think he’s that interested in me though,” you lips pull into a frown at the thought of the university’s famous librarian slash well-rounded student. He was also your tutor, but he tutored many people, so it wasn’t something out of a k-drama.

Jihoon’s hand moved right away as he notices your look. Unlike the past two, Wonwoo’s name only had a question mark underneath. “We’ll add him. There — three potential Miracles — who shall we investigate first?”

“I’ll hang around them and report back to you—“

Unexpectedly, your phone rings. The caller ID makes it clear to you that you had to take the call. You excuse yourself from Jihoon, taking one more bite of the cake before you head outside, getting lost in your conversation.

When the lengthy chat ended, you walk back inside to find your friend gone. Before you broke into a cold sweat, a light ding comes out of your phone, the screen reading a short text from Jihoon.

A classmate ran into me and they asked me to do a favour, sorry I left all of a sudden. Text me when you get to your dorm. Get there safely.

The gesture touches you, lips concealing a smile. The text also signalled to you that you should get going too, the sky outside slowly blooming into darkness.

Yet as the chair is pulled back for you to access your bag, an envelope appears.

Heart racing, your fingers scoop the item in one motion, rushing to take out the contents inside.

Two letters in one day... It doesn’t suit my style haha. I hope you’re secretly happy about it though.

I saw you in Seventeen earlier, and correct me if I’m wrong, but did I hear you talk about me? The wonderful, most-handsome Miracle?

First of all, I’m flattered, who wouldn’t talk about me? And second, I heard a little more that I should’ve. You want me to reveal myself?

If you think I’m going to give myself away, I’m not. Just because I like you doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you~

It’s your turn to do the chasing now, I can’t wait to watch. This is going to be so fun — I’ll be super hurt if you mistake me as someone else...

Joking! All I’ll say is I’m supporting you from here, I’ll be watching closely! Please don’t be disappointed when you find out who I am. Hehe.

(Before I go! I recommend Seventeen’s Poet Latte, it’s a million times better than the Hope Macchiato. Ask for hazelnut syrup too, that thing is like sweet magic)

Miracle.

Now determined, your eyes scan over the lines again and again, each word being critical yet painfully ambiguous.

That’s when it crosses your mind. His words craft you into the right direction, even though Miracle has the power to do the complete opposite depending on how he wants to play his cards.

For now, you’ll take his words as gospel, aware that he was present at the time you were in Seventeen. All the signs pointed to Junhui, majorly assuming that he was the only one that who entered the cafe, and that Miracle recommended the Poet Latte.

It settled your first target quite quickly: Wen Junhui.

Stashing the letter in your bag, you head outside, eyes following Junhui practicing latte art until you can’t see him anymore, thoughts already planning on certain strategies.

If Miracle wants this to be entertaining, you’ll make it entertaining.

It’s been a week.

And nothing has happened.

“It’s been a week.” Jihoon voices, “And you‘ve gained zero progress.”

Panic stricken, you blurt, “I’m still working on it...”

“We’re gonna get nowhere if you carry on stalling.”

“I know, but I don’t know when to do it—“ Which was partially true. You were just too shy around Junhui.

“Just do it today!”

“Ugh, okay!” As equally as loud, you shout like Jihoon. Geez. Why did he get so hot-headed? “I’ll head to my lecture and see if he’s there.”

A smile shows on Jihoon’s lips. “Great. You can do it, good luck!” He balls his fists in attempt to encourage you, passing the motivation on.

When you arrive you instantly want to go back to Jihoon. By the notice board — other than confused, tired students — stood Junhui, his face standing out almost the others as he points his fingers to one direction while talking to other students of your major.

The students walk in the direction Junhui pointed to instead of the hall, prompting a perfect chance to talk to him.

“Jun?” You add the slight confusion to neutralise things, heart racing. “What’s going on?”

“Oh, hi Y/N,” Junhui naturally grins when he sees you, finger pointing to the board. “The lecture hall is being used, so our professor changed it to the other side of campus.”

“What?!” You groan, the act washed away once hearing about the announcement. “Ah — I’m so exhausted already, we don’t get paid enough to do this.”

“We don’t get paid at all,” muses Junhui. “Should we walk together? Saves you being bored and me being lonely.”

Right, Junhui’s a potential Miracle, act along, you tell yourself.

“Sounds great.” Gladly accepting, you and the male walk together, chatting amongst one another.

Nothing special happens from there. You chat with Junhui — who has a strange calmness when it comes to talking to him — until you get to your class, sitting next to him. The both of you intently listen to your lecturer, taking notes and sharing them, but halfway through the two hour session Junhui opens a new tab on his laptop to play chess, obviously being bad at the game.

You join in, too, helping the clueless man on how to win. It leads to you and him doodling on a sheet of paper he tore out, zoning out of the lecture from what was time to time to completely not listening.

The lecture comes to a close, making you and Junhui realise how much trouble you’re in as your essay was due for the weekend after.

“Come to Seventeen tomorrow,” tells Junhui, “I’ll ask a friend to recap the lecture today and we can go through it together while I work. Does that sound okay?”

Perfect — this was perfect!

A little too enthusiastic, you blurt, “Yeah!” Before coughing loudly, realising the awkwardness. “I mean, yeah. Sorry for distracting you today Junhui,”

“It’s okay. I like studying with you, it’s fun.”

His words, along with the soft smile he has, makes you want to swoon with glee inside. It was hard to tell if he was a smooth flirt or if he was usually like this.

Either way, you said your goodbyes and hoped for the next day to come as soon as possible.

“Y/N, welcome!” Is what Junhui greets to you as you walk into the cafe, the morning atmosphere ruined as Junhui shouts, waking up half the people in there. He didn’t seem to mind though, so you made your way to him.

“It’s ten in the morning Junhui,”

“It wakes people up. They’ll thank me for it when they don’t sleep in their classes later on.”

He tells you to seat yourself while he finishes the next few orders. Once you do, you stare out of the window whilst waiting for your laptop to load, the day transitioning from gloom to a morning sunshine, more people coming onto the campus site.

You even see Jihoon walking with Soonyoung (even though it was hard to identify him under the hat, but judging by Jihoon’s mannerisms it definitely pointed to Soonyoung).

Chair sliding, the male taking a seat as he hands you a warm, rose mug. “A Poet Latte ordered by the lovely Y/N.”

“Thank you,” you warmly answer, grinning at the latte art of a panda with hearts swirled around. “This is amazing Junhui.”

“Doing it is harder than it looks,” confesses Junhui, “and in the end people will just consume it. Imagine that, eating all of my hard work... Literally.”

“Aren’t you going to drink something?”

Junhui shakes his head. “I don’t like coffee.”

Oh?

“Oh? That’s a shame.” You counter, trying to stay composed. “It isn’t for everyone — um — random question but, if you had to recommend a drink from here, what would it be? I’m up for taking some new drinks.”

The excuse made things sound more natural and by the look on Junhui’s face, the verdicts in your head point to not Miracle right now.

He taps a finger on his chin, “Out of all the orders... The Truth Iced Mocha, mainly because I don’t like warm drinks either.”

Uncertainty shows on your face, not knowing whether Junhui was telling a lie or not. There was a high chance he wasn’t, but he could most likely be lying. If he was, he was a great liar.

Studying your face, Junhui speaks. “I’m a bit picky,” he admits, laughing, “my friends hate me for it, but I’m a simple man with simple needs.”

His statement causes you to laugh, the tension in the room quickly gone. Junhui sure knows how to tone things down.

So Junhui doesn’t like coffee. Huh.

You come by Seventeen for the next two days, chatting with Junhui more often as he works. However, you walk into the male while he’s off-shift, a bouquet of pink daisies and a cinnamon-coloured teddy bear sat on the table.

Staring intensely at it, Junhui doesn’t even notice you sit across him.

“Is something on your mind?”

Breaking out of the odd staring contest, Junhui sits up, shrugging. “Which present would you like more?”

He turns the teddy’s head and the flowers to face you. The question shifts the atmosphere slightly, your mind nervous of what to answer.

“Can I have the context?” Instead, you ask that question, hoping the answer would give more indication where this was going.

“I wanna give something to my friend for support,”

Junhui doesn’t hesitate in his answer, but there’s no denying over the pinkness in his cheeks. Although he was still being vague, you point at the flowers.

“Flowers are the best go-to. Maybe the teddy can be for another time?” Nodding, Junhui relaxes in his chair, patting the bear’s head as he exhales a sigh. “Isn’t this something you’d give to a girlfriend or boyfriend?”

The question catches the other off guard, his ears burning with red as he slowly sinks his head into his arms, his face hidden.

“You caught me.” Muffled, Junhui admits.

Caught what? We’re definitely getting somewhere now, you think.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m still showing support to my friend — she’s having her first art exhibit today and she’s been working on it a lot — I just... Wanna be subtle but I need to man up,”

One hundred percent what you didn’t expect. Kinda, since you had suspicions here and there.

“Man up? You’re, like, the most easiest person to talk to! I’m sure if you acted like yourself then you’d be able to confess easily to her.”

“You think so?”

“I know so. What’s there to worry about? People fall for you like a snap,” you snap your fingers simultaneously, a laugh from Junhui followed.

“Thanks for the heart to heart Y/N. I really needed it. The exhibit opens in an hour, I should get going.”

“You can do it Junhui!” Cheers you, Junhui getting up from his chair. Out of the blue, your mind mentally clicks. “Junhui—“

Junhui hums. You hold the bear out for him.

“Bring it with you, it’ll create a bigger memory for the both of you.”

Smiling, Junhui takes the bear from your hands. “Thanks for everything... Again.” He carries the bouquet and bear in one arm, his free hand reaching to pick out a daisy. “Take it as my thank you,”

“How corny,” you say, happily taking the pretty flower, “you’ll do great!”

“I’ll see you later! I’ll tell you how it goes.”

Like that, Junhui exits out of the cafe, jogging to the entrance of the campus. You sit back once he disappears.

So Junhui has a crush on someone else.

Your hands search to find your phone, scrolling through your contacts before you lift it to your ear, waiting for the other line to pick up.

“Hoon? Let’s meet.”

“Rather than liking you, he likes a student from the art department?” Jihoon asks, strolling around the town with you half an hour after you called.

You nod, confirming it. “It was hard to tell though, every second felt like he was flirting with me. Guess he was just really good at smooth talk.”

“Not surprised about that.” Jihoon pulls a face, but his arm moves to pat your hair as you twirl the pink daisy. “Don’t act so blue, you still have two more guys!”

“But Hoon—”

“No buts, it’ll work out. I promise you. If it doesn’t, I’ll look for Miracle myself and teach him a lesson.”

You snort, “Jihoon—“

“Oh yeah, you still wanna be friends with him. Got it.” Jihoon grins when he sees your smile, pinching your cheek all of a sudden. “Now c’mon, I know what’ll cheer you up,”

“Do you?”

“Unless you don’t want food, we can just go back to campus—“

“No, wait!” You panic. Great, you’ve fallen for Jihoon’s offer. “Fine, I’m starving anyway!”

With a big grin, Jihoon takes you by the hand and walks to your favourite restaurant.

Days pass and the memories with Junhui go along with it. It was a weekend and Jihoon wanted to meet in the recording booth to talk, additionally asking if you could bring some coffee.

He stops replying after you send multiple texts — capitalised and angry emoticons — giving you no choice but to get him something.

Heading into Seventeen, your appearance catches one of the workers immediately.

That worker, being Junhui.

“What a coincidence!” He exclaims once he heads out of the break room for the second time, a flimsy item in his hand.

“Coincidence?” You repeat in return.

“I found this in the lecture hall yesterday, I thought you left it,”

“But I didn’t go to the lecture yesterday—“

All of your words dissolve as soon as your eyes hit the pastel blue envelope, slowly taking it out of Junhui’s hand, your expression indescribable.

“How did you get this?” It wasn’t the words you wanted to say, but they were clearly in your mind.

“I saw it sitting on one of the rows before I left. I would’ve given it to you straight away, but I didn’t see you on campus… And I don’t know where your dorm is so…”

You analyse Junhui’s face for a moment. Gaining all the evidence you’ve gotten, it was confirmed that Junhui wasn’t Miracle. He was telling the truth about everything.

“That’s okay! Thanks for looking after it for me!” In gratitude, you let your lips spread wide — mainly towards the fact that Miracle is writing after a week (seriously, what took him so long?), but also because of Junhui’s massive help.

Forgetting about the coffee, you exit the cafe, finding a safe spot to read the letter alone. Your fingers were trembling in anticipation as you lifted the flap.

I’m guessing you’ve been waiting for me… If not, I feel really embarrassed because I had to hold myself back from writing to you.

(God, that was so cheesy)

You figured out that I’m not Junhui. Congrats!

When I first saw him walk with you, I thought — ‘Ah, you are taking it seriously!’ — and I’ve been watching here and there, but not all the time because that would be creepy. I also had classes so there were a few clashes.

After a while I began wondering why you thought of Junhui as me. It shouldn’t be a thought I should ponder on too much, but I find myself going there sometimes.

Junhui is really admirable. He has that ability to make anyone feel at ease with him, and overall he’s very bold with his actions — so bold that I even thought he was going to make an actual move on you (totally wasn’t gonna be heartbroken…) — I get why people like to be around him so much.

He’s someone that you easily get envious over. The personality, the social skill, the confidence. He makes it look so easy. Talking to so many people, adjusting to them…

I wish I was like that; I wish I had that confidence. Maybe, if I had that same level of confidence like Junhui, then maybe I’d boldly confess my feelings without the doubts or worries orbiting my mind.

At first I was going to scribble that part out and start from scratch again, but I thought I’d share my thoughts with you. This isn’t Junhui’s level of confidence, but I think starting like this will help me build on it. My heart can feel heavy on some days and I feel like you’re the only person I can go to.

Even if you don’t write to me back, I hope you’ll always stand there on the other side.

Miracle.

“Come with me.” Out of nowhere Jihoon gets his things and starts walking away.

Fazed, you hastily gather your things and begin trailing behind him. He’s always like this — announcing he’s going somewhere at the same time he leaves — and you get the other end of the stick by rushing after the male.

“You’re seriously so annoying,” you grumble without context, “at least tell me what we’re — what you’re — doing...”

“I forgot something... And I’m doing you a favour.”

The last part wasn’t picked up by you, but Jihoon’s footsteps accelerated as he rushes into one of the department buildings.

The building appeared unfamiliar to you, it clearly wasn’t the music department, so you wondered why Jihoon knew which corridor to turn and what level he was looking for.

He doesn’t bother knocking before heading into one of the dance studios, dancers unfazed by his appearance. Worried, you harshly break out a whispered Jihoon before he stops walking and you walk into his back.

“Ow, jerk!” Complains you.

An unknown voice replies, but it isn’t directed to you. “Jihoon?” The male voice gasps. “You okay?”

Suddenly, the owner of the voice gets up from the floor, a black cap covering the front of his face, dressed in loose clothes.

Soonyoung?

“My journal’s here right? I think I left it somewhere…”

“Journal?” Soonyoung juts a lip, completely focused on Jihoon, he hasn’t even said hi to you yet. Unless he doesn’t like you. You hoped it wasn’t the latter. Like a hit to the head, Soonyoung’s eyes nearly sparkle, “Ah, let me get it!”

Soonyoung turns around and crouches down, giving you perfect time to ask what the heck Jihoon was doing.

“A favour,” is all Jihoon says, Soonyoung cheerily handing the ripped-paged book and Jihoon snatching it off him. He glares. “You didn’t look inside, did you?”

Fingers moving the cross his heart, Soonyoung simultaneously shakes his head. “Not a peep—“ his eyes acknowledge you and he immediately chokes on air, releasing an ugly cough. “Y/N! Have you been here all this time?”

Jihoon holds back an amused chuckle. Ignoring your friend, you put on your best smile and shyly nod.

“Sorry I didn’t see you there!” He’s yelling now, and it’s getting the whole room’s attention. “How… How are you?”

“I’ve been good, and you?”

“Me? I’m good too! I’m glad to hear that—“

Jihoon’s voice overlaps out Soonyoung’s, “Picking up my book just turned into a damn reunion,” a puppy-like sulk comes out of Soonyoung, but Jihoon continues to speak, “also, I’ll give you your USB back tomorrow, I’ve done all the improvements you asked.”

Soonyoung brings the other into a sweaty hug, sighing loudly. “Wow, my hero—“

Pushing Soonyoung off, Jihoon clears his throat. “But I’m leaving town for this music course tomorrow, so I’ll lend the USB to Y/N and you’ll get your USB back, then we’re all happy.”

“I’m not—“ you harshly whisper next to the male, pulling him closer by the arm, surprised at Jihoon’s proposal, “what are you doing?!”

“A latte would be okay, but you can surprise me. I’d also like extra whipped cream,” Jihoon whispers back at the same volume. He looks back at Soonyoung. “Is that alright with you?”

The apples of Soonyoung’s cheeks paint red, lips scrunched as he forces a nod. “Sure — sure! Tomorrow, yeah?”

“Mhmm. We better get going now.” Turning to you, Jihoon tilts his head to the exit, promptly looking at Soonyoung. “See you man,”

“Bye Soonyoung!” You greet energetically, causing Soonyoung to snap out of his gaze, waving his hand as you two walk out. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but, it never got off of his tongue in the end.

Once you were away from the building, you stop Jihoon by grabbing his arm, a deathly expression upon you. “What was that all about?”

Although you were mad, Jihoon’s face didn’t flinch one bit at it. He digs through his pocket, pulling out a silicone tiger figurine smaller than his palm. Removing the tiger’s head, the USB is revealed.

Without a word, Jihoon hands it to you. “I finished the thing he asked ages ago.”

“Then why didn’t you give it to him earlier—“

“Because now you have an excuse to hang around him. Use it wisely.”

“Oh. Smart.”

Turns out, Jihoon actually did have to go to that course for the day, so you wished him a text of motivation before mentally preparing yourself to meet Soonyoung.

You hastily make your way to the dance department (that’s what Jihoon said Soonyoung would normally be), but because you were so overwhelmed over what you were going to say to Soonyoung, you forgot the directions Jihoon went to the dance studio.

Dumbass, you curse inside. Now you had to ask people if one, they were a dance major (which was such a stupid question, but you couldn’t help asking) and two, if they knew Soonyoung.

Onto asking the third student, you see a figure stepping out of a room, a bag lazily hung around his arm.

“Oh — never mind — thank you anyway,”

You semi-run towards this figure, watching the surprise spread through his face as you welcome him with a grin.

“Y/N?” Soonyoung stammers, shaking in his place a little. He had a black shirt hugged his torso and jeans to complement the look — it definitely gave a different tone to the exhausted, sweaty boy you met yesterday.

“Hey.” You dangle the small tiger in between his eyes. “Special delivery for Kwon Soonyoung?”

Sparkles appear inside Soonyoung’s eyes, gladly taking the item from you. “Thank you Y/N! Tell Jihoon I said thank you — actually, I’ll tell him that later—“

“It’s no problem,” you can’t help but giggle at his gratitude over the tiger USB, it make you curious on why it was so important, but right now that wasn’t your priority.

Operation Soonyoung is a go.

“Are you doing anything right now?”

“Um… Not really, why?”

“I’m craving some food, I was wondering if you’d like to eat with me… Since you just finished practicing I’m guessing—”

For the second time Soonyoung chokes on the air, hitting his chest as he lets out harsh coughs. When he’s somewhat calmed down, he looks straight at you — a slight pinkness in his cheeks — bluntly answering, “I don’t mind going!”

The answer was leaning towards an exclamation, but a yes was a yes, and the two of you agreed to get street food and eat in the park.

Watching Soonyoung munch on a burger with great interest, you feel like he’s still acting awkward with you. You had no reason why, but the showcase pops into your head. Maybe the rumours were true, but you can’t jump so easily; this Miracle business had to be very subtle.

So much for loud, muses you, Jihoon must be out of his mind, he’s so quiet with me…

To lighten up the mood, you show your interest to the USB stick once more. “So, the stick. What’s it for? If it’s okay asking,”

Soonyoung wipes the corners of his lips cutely, pointing to a bench and asking a can we sit here with half stuffed cheeks. Sat down, he brings out the USB, watching it dangle on his finger.

“They’re music samples for dances I put together. I don’t just work for myself but for my juniors too — they rely on me when they need music for their piece. I can do the basics, but when I or my classmates need something extra to make the piece stand out more, I go to Jihoon to help me. Without him, I wouldn’t have so many students joining the dance club at all.”

“Can I listen to some?”

“Huh?” Soonyoung’s eyes expand, lips parted the slightest. “Oh — oh! Okay. Just give me a sec…”

“Soon, you don’t need to if it’s a hassle—“

“Ah! I owe you one, so, this is nothing to what you’ve done!”

“All I did was give your things back…”

Soonyoung pulls out his laptop, connecting the USB to the device, his fingers tapping against the touchpad whilst waiting. The files appear, some names sensibly and with their correct name (those were probably for his juniors), while some files were called ten-ten, hoshi, rawr, for the ultimate gemini ONLY, NOT THIS ONE.

Those were definitely Soonyoung’s.

“The ones Jihoon has fixed are the unnamed ones. He’s never creative with names,”

“Of course.” You and Soonyoung laugh over the thought, the latter pressing his finger on the play button as the music begins and the volume rises. Listening for a while, you say, “This is super good, I can’t believe Jihoon can produce something like this.”

“Well he isn’t called the music prodigy for nothing. Now check this out.”

He sets his laptop aside, the music continuing to play, and he stands in front of you, breaking into a small dance like it was second nature to him. Such fluidity, well-crafted even though Soonyoung kept a smile the whole way through, rushes of excitement inside him.

You cheer him on, laughing at the sight. He laughs with you too, brightly.

The barrier of shyness between Soonyoung and you begins to break as you meet frequently, Jihoon mainly being the reason why you three met.

More of Jihoon’s colours shone, like the grumpy, cold-shouldered character when he was Soonyoung, but he would still laugh the hardest if Soonyoung told a stupid story that happened over the weekend, or small snippets into his life.

The thought about Miracle becomes less important to you as you slowly value Soonyoung as a true friend. Don’t get yourself wrong — Miracle was still heavily important — but Operation Soonyoung was diverting down another path.

But the one time you spend the day with him without Jihoon (who knows what he was doing, he just left without any word), you accidentally slip into the topic of the rumour again.

Actually, you had no idea why you transitioned into it, Soonyoung was showing you a video of himself doing dumb things during dance practice last night, and after a long laugh with him, it came out.

“To be honest, when I first met you, people kept telling me you had a crush on me,” is what you say along with your laughter, taking a bite out of your cake.

“… Is that so?”

No laugh, no burst of giggling — and when you face Soonyoung, his face is stoic. Despite that observation, his cheeks were dusted in a faint red.

You nod. “Yeah, I didn’t believe them.”

“Oh.”

“Wait — so you’re saying — you liked me?”

Soonyoung grunts in surprise, eyes widened. He shakes his head but as he directs his vision onto the floor, he sighs and hesitantly nods.

Operation Soonyoung was suddenly back on the radar. That means the chances of being Miracle were high.

“Soonyoung—“

“Listen to what I say first! And then if you’re uncomfortable, I’ll understand…” He, again, says with hesitation, eyes concentrated on the table or your hands. “Yeah, I did like you a few years ago, during the spring showcase… But we didn’t talk to each other, so what chances did I have?”

He inhales a sharp sigh, clenching his eyes shut and nose forming crinkles, sucking in a small this is going to be so embarrassing.

Fortunately, you pick those words up. “Embarrassing? What’s embarrassing.”

“There’s another reason.”

Is he going to confess he’s Miracle?

“I…”

Oh my god, he is—

“I thought you and Jihoon were dating.”

What?

“What?” You mumble softly.

“God, that’s the dumbest reason out of the book, and I fell for it.” Soonyoung covers his face with his hands, shielding himself from the weirded out looks he thinks you have on your face. “And Jihoon didn’t wanna say anything about it either, so I sucked it up and tried to get over it. Then, he tells me you were just good friends a year after.”

“Soonyoung… I’m so sorry, I didn’t know—“

“Nothing you can do,” shrugs he, “truthfully, I didn’t get over you until the winter break the year after. But I got over it in the end.”

“Still, you went though all of the emotional gain because of me,”

“It’s not like I regret it.” He smiles a bit, trying to reassure you. The smile fades as he faces the reality after explaining his side. “I bet you’re like Soonyoung, you creep, now that you’ve heard me say all of this, so feel free to laugh at me all you want… Not too much though, I have a weak heart.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not thinking that at all.”

“Yeah, I— what?”

Confused at your words, you continue to smile to let him know you’re being genuine. “We’ve become really close in a little more than a week, and you’re an amazing friend on top of that. It makes me regret not being friends with you sooner.”

“Man, if the Soonyoung years ago was hearing this, he would either feel so touched or badly friend-zoned just now.”

Alarmed, you react as if Soonyoung was still attached onto his feelings, ready to apologise.

“It’s okay, I’m not affected,” he beats you to it, which was the most reassuring thing of them all.

“Friends?”

“Friends.” Soonyoung links a pinkie with you, hoping the promise would last a lifetime. He was a precious friend after all.

After the chat, you highlight one topic Soonyoung mentioned. “You thought Jihoon had a thing with me? Why?”

“Probably because I saw you two together a lot. Before he became friends with me and the rest of the department, you were all he’d go to. He cares about you a lot, if you didn’t know.”

“Hoon? Caring about me?”

“You sound surprised — it’s pretty obvious. Didn’t he make you a cake for your birthday last year?”

“Yeah… What does that have to do with anything?”

“We both know he’s a terrible cook — I mean, he microwaved ice cream one time because it was too hard to scoop out — but he wanted to make you something like that for your birthday.”

“The cake was nice though…”

“It took him a month to get the recipe right. He didn’t want my help, he even used the culinary department’s kitchen just for that and didn’t want their help either. And you know why he did that?”

“Becuase it was my birthday?”

“Wrong!” Soonyoung lightly taps your head as an incorrect gesture. “It was because you were going through a hard time during that time. He just wanted you to cast your worries aside and see you celebrate because you deserved it. He told me everything about it.”

Your heart skips slightly, thinking over the fact Jihoon did something like that to make you happy. It was a strange feeling to experience.

“He’s going to hate me for saying all of this to you, but he looks out for you a lot. He notices things, he’s smart.”

Agreeing, you hum, deeply thinking over his words.

Later that day, a stray envelope is sticking out from the front pocket of your bag as you left it unattended. The sweet, lilac hue  instantly telling you who the sender is.

You do not hesitate to open it.

Turns out, I’m not Kwon Soonyoung either. Are you disappointed? I can sense your frown right now... Don’t frown dear, I’m sorry for letting you down...

But the game still goes on, and although I don’t know who’s left on your mind, I might reveal myself. Not for now, but I feel a little daring, kinda unusual for me, isn’t it?

Now.

Kwon Soonyoung.

Believe it or not, I’m truly the opposite to him. I’m sometimes glad that I’m not like him, but over time I sometimes dislike it. The things he can do, I don’t think I’m fit to do them. Like Junhui, he’s confident, and he always has his mind set on something. Me? My mind changes so much. I’m a big coward ha...

Soonyoung’s loud too. I could say it’s what I don’t like about him the most, though I’d be completely wrong. It’s simple enough. He stands out. I blend in. A harsh truth I have to come to terms in, but I’m guessing that’s why you chose Soonyoung too, because he stands out. He shines.

Yet among that, you shine the brightest. I know it’s hard finding me, but I know you’ll be able to find my identity and when you do, I’ll be ready to confess my feelings to you to the world. No backing out, no shying away.

I’ll find a way to make something happen, as if my life depends on it.

Miracle.

The letter felt... Sadder in terms of Miracle’s usual way of writing — light and thoughtful — as words become raw. Once you find him, you’ll definitely tell him how much he means to you, even if it was a silly love letter at the end of the day.

He sure doesn’t know Soonyoung either. The dancer, surprisingly, is insanely shy underneath the loudness he has. It makes you think whether Miracle doesn’t think highly of himself.

When you walk out to the campus, you spot Jihoon exiting a nearby building, busy looking at texts.

Soonyoung’s words form in your head again, realising the care Jihoon had for you. And without a thought, you run to the male and surprise him with a sudden hug.

Jihoon grunts quietly, but it only makes you hold onto him more.

“Huh, Y/N? Is everything okay?” You nod into his chest. “Are... Are you sure? We can talk about it—”

“Just shut up and hug me,”

With no more complaints, Jihoon gladly keeps you in his arms.

Six.

You’ve been say in the library for six hours, your paper due at midnight. Although you had eight hours left, you still didn’t fee like it was in top shape. Words felt messy; sentences didn’t flow the way you wanted to; it was just so confusing.

Your head meets the desk the nth time today, remaining at that mental block ever since you had your lunch that consisted of peach juice and a half-assed sandwich that you didn’t even finish. Sure, you came at the library at six, but you were also up until two in the morning to do the minimum of what you were aiming to do.

That didn’t happen, hence, you’re still stuck in this damn library.

The only thing in your mind right now is sleep. If no one noticed, you could get away with sleeping in the library, but not sleeping in the library is better than getting kicked out for a month because of sleeping in the library.

A headache kicks in in the midst of working, deforming your face as you wince in pain, hoping to go home soon. It’s unlikely you will, but you wanted to sleep.

At some point, all you do is stare at the screen. Stare at every blank word on the screen, done rushed or half-tiredly.

“Everything alright?”

Registering the voice, you rapidly blink and sit up, trying to be as awake as you can. Your eyes move to the person, vision slightly altered due to the fuzziness in your eyes, but you could make out the silver framed glasses and hair the fell gently on top.

“Wonwoo?” He responds to his name through the tone of his hum. “Oh, uh, yeah... Not really,”

The librarian takes a seat next to you, a strong, fresh scent radiating from him. It was almost like a magical spell, luring you to sleep. Wonwoo scans the laptop, frowning after knowing what you were doing.

“Due in tonight?” Crap, he caught you out. You nod in shame.

“I was trying to get it done last night but my body gave in... And I haven’t left this library since—“

“Since ten.” Wonwoo noticed too? “My partial job is to sit here all day, but you’ll get muscle cramps the more you stay in one position, you should’ve taken a little break... But that’s a little late to tell you that.”

“I know...” You see the textbooks in his hand. “Oh, you’re probably busy putting back books, I shouldn’t disturb you—”

“These are just to text mark for my next class. You’re fine.” Wonwoo proceeds to stay seated, in fact, he readjusts his seat to sit more comfortably, picking up a book and setting the rest aside. “You must be tired. Take a rest, I’ll cover for you.”

“Wonwoo—“

“Just face me while you sleep, alright?”

You give into his words, smoothly resting your head on your arms as you close your eyes, falling asleep within seconds.

It was a nice nap which you awoke after an hour. An hour wasn’t what you intended, but damn, you really needed that.

Blinking, your vision comes into focus with a book marked with colourful sticky notes. If the book is still there, that means...

“Good afternoon, did you rest well?”

Your eyes direct themselves to Wonwoo, smiling down at you as he breaks away from what he was doing. After a short hum from you, Wonwoo goes back to finishing something he wrote.

The action initiates you to sit up, the reality of your paper flooding your head once more. Though, when you look at Wonwoo’s notes — neatly sorted in colourful rows — you sit and stare at the notes, mind pondering.

His handwriting is pretty.

“Oh.” Quiet, Wonwoo lets out. He begins flipping pages in his book, all decorated with some form of colourful note until he stops at a particular page and brings out a long note with minimal bullet points in.

He gently peels it off the page and locates it on top of your book.

“While you were sleeping I skimmed through your paper and highlighted a few things you could work on...”

Wait, what?

Wonwoo continues, “I don’t mean to sound critical or anything! It’s just — you looked like you were having a hard time — I don’t know much about your topic but I wrote what I thought sounded relevant.”

You read through the list, the points showcasing good arguments and research topics to mention. “These are great points, I couldn’t think of these...” You pout, “You’re so book-smart Wonwoo, I’m so jealous.”

Wonwoo lets out a earthy laugh, his expression a playfully saddened. “Don’t say that, you’re intelligent too,”

“Everyone knows you though — Jeon Wonwoo, the campus’ treasure.”

“I wouldn’t call myself that...”

“Why not? It fits you.”

He looks directly at you, face tinted with some sadness. “I blend in.”

A flashback crosses your mind whilst saying the words and it doesn’t appear into your head until—

“Sorry, I’m distracting you now. You should get your work done, and I need finish this too.” He awkwardly apologises, turning back to his textbook.

Did Wonwoo just... No, don’t dive straight in yet, you warn beforehand, it was like a heated argument between your heart and mind.

As for now, you only hum and work on your laptop, more prepared thanks to Wonwoo’s involvement.

It turns to seven in the evening and you’re almost finished.

But you were starving.

Primarily, you were going to text Jihoon, asking if he could come over and bring food, but when you met him in the morning he seemed busy.

Embarrassingly, your tummy rumbles and it breaks Wonwoo’s concentration at that second, watching you clench your arms around your waist.

“I should’ve brought something else to eat...” You murmur, eyes squeezed shut. Although you thought Wonwoo didn’t hear that, it was slightly the opposite.

The male sets his pen down, patting his pockets before speaking. “I’m gonna go out for a bit. Look after my things?”

Reluctant, you answer him with bob of your head. Wonwoo exits swiftly.

Your phone chimes and you receive a from Jihoon alongside an attachment of his cap covering his full face.

His text reads I’m so tired followed by a crying emoticon.

The image is what cheers you up, catching up with Jihoon for a bit.

You talk about the majority of your day, but you somehow leave Wonwoo out of it all. You don’t even tell Jihoon your suspicions that Wonwoo may be Miracle.

The problem was that Wonwoo wasn’t an open book, so you had to play it safe.

Breaking away from the conversation, you excuse yourself by telling Jihoon you had to finish your stupid essay and Jihoon sends a bunch of hahaha and a gif of a kitten saying good luck!

Eventually Wonwoo comes back ten minutes later, a white plastic bag in hand as he sits back down, commenting something like it’s cold under his breath.

“Where’d you go?” You inquire.

“Convenience store, it was only around the corner outside campus.”

“I see...” Wonwoo brings out the items one by one, finally tying the bag and putting into his bag. Your finger points at a specific item. “Pepero? I didn’t know you liked those.”

Wonwoo sees the box of pepero, and his fingers slide it nearer to you. “I don’t eat them a lot, but I figured it would help you fill your stomach.”

“Seriously? Oh, sorry for making you go out your way to do that—“

“Rather than apologising all the time, can you just thank me for the food?”

Speechless, he knows that you know he’s right. “Thanks Wonwoo... A lot.”

“Anything for you.” Wonwoo flashes a smile, twisting the bottle cap of his drink before taking a long drink.

You pick up the pepero box, looking at its contents.

It hits you for a second time — the pepero was strawberry flavoured.

“Say, Wonwoo...”

“That’s me,”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Because,” Wonwoo takes a while to gaze at you, your features softening at the sight when a gentle grin lifts Wonwoo’s cheeks, “because I care about you.”

It’s you, Jeon?

Days and nights pass and you find yourself spending more time with Wonwoo these days — staying at the library to chat, frequently passing advice to each other, each moment getting longer every time you stay with him.

Jihoon notices your change in behaviour, commenting on your recent rejection with wanting to meet up. You dismiss that idea quickly, saying that you just had to check for any suspicions. The ambiguity in itself confuses Jihoon — mainly due to the fact you hadn’t told him about Wonwoo — but he doesn’t ask any further, quietly going back to his laptop.

These chats with Wonwoo upgrade to meeting outside campus: trips to the cinema, visiting cafes or the newest KBBQ restaurant opening down the street, all memories posted on your social medias with some silly caption.

Waking up one morning, your roommate, in an obvious rush, briefly mentions about a letter addressed to you from the mailbox. Your ears throb at the information, dashing to the foot of your bed when your roommate leaves, a pretty pink letter distinct against the white covers.

Clumsy, you manage to open the letter.

I’ve come to a decision.

Meet me at the east garden. One o’clock?

I’ll be waiting~

(Gosh, I’m regretting what I’m gonna do now, apologies in advanced)

Miracle.

You practically let out a squeal, falling to the floor from the shock igniting through you. It wasn’t just that, but the fact the letter ended with a kiss in coloured chapstick — which was probably mentioning apologising at the end. Miracle certainly had a way of driving you crazy these days; now he’s finally revealing himself.

Right at that moment, you phone rings in the same chime again. It’s from Jihoon again, wanting to spend time with you. You feel bitter knowing Jihoon has been asking this question for a while, met with rejection every time, but you end up texting back a not today, something important came up, finished with, I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.

Checking the time, it already hit half eleven. “Perfect!” You cheer, getting up to dress yourself, full of bubbling excitement.

Because of your energetic nerves, you arrive at the garden ten minutes before  the allocated time, the green hues standing out next to the bright sky, students enjoying their day either by laying on the grass studying or strolling with friends.

You analyse the place to see if anyone looked like they were waiting for you, but after two minutes, no one fitted the criteria. It turned twelve soon after and you decided to explore around to see if you can catch Miracle anywhere.

Turning to a small path leading to a less frequently visited area of the garden, you spot someone sat by the stone bench. Turns out, you recognise that person.

“Jihoon!” You exclaim, Jihoon flinching at the exclamation. He turns, his frame revealing a pen in between his fingers and a journal on his lap. WIthout any hesitation, he closes his journal.

Hand on his chest after a long sigh, his relaxed state smiles at you fondly. “Oh, it’s you,”

His tone is soft, standing up from the bench and heading your way, an embarrassed, shy curl on his lips — his dimples peeking through — shimmering eyes trained to the floor.

He stops in front of you, taking a gulp before nervously staring at you. He’s in the middle of opening his mouth, but you beat him to it.

You beat him to it, and it’s all the difference.

“Guess what, I think Wonwoo’s Miracle.”

In a blink of a eye, the shimmer in Jihoon’s eyes dull. Nonetheless, you don’t notice it, babbling on.

“It’s why I haven’t been hanging around you much,” you confess to him, frowning, “Wonwoo’s just — really hard to figure out — but after a while there are things that he and Miracle do. I’m pretty sure it’s Wonwoo, I don’t know who else it would be. I think I’m getting butterflies, I—“

“That’s… Nice,” Jihoon breaks out, not staring at you anymore. The journal held on his chest is now at his side, gripped with strength.

It took you a while, but you noticed Jihoon’s tone. “Jihoon…? Hoon, are you okay?”

“Yeah!” He replies with fake energy, but he isn’t looking up. He isn’t looking at you. “It’s great to hear that. I should go before he comes, right?”

“Wait,” you hold him by the arm, “you sound angry — are you angry at me? — did I do something wrong—“

“It’s nothing.”

“Why can’t you tell me? You know you can talk to me Hoon, I don’t like seeing you like this…” Hurt, you try to take a glimpse at Jihoon but he isn’t allowing it. “Is it because Miracle is Wonwoo? I thought you didn’t mind him. I thought you wanted to know too.

“I just said I don’t wanna—“

“No! There’s something wrong and you aren’t telling me about it!”

With enough strength to remove your arm, but not enough to hurt you, Jihoon gets out of your grip, staring at you again, though not with what you intended. He’s glaring at you, fusions of frustration and pain being hinted, but why?

“Everything’s fine. Just leave me alone.”

Before you stop him, he leaves much quicker than you expect, vanishing from the garden; besides, if you follow him, he’d only avoid you more. So all you could do was wait for Miracle to come, in hope that whoever he is will cheer you up.

Miracle never came, nor any love letter from that point.

It’s been a quiet month. Life became static, classes felt like a drag, and Jihoon certainly had no intention to contact you after everything.

You wake up at ten, knowing your roommate went out because of the bed across you done well. Although you were against it, you figured that you should do the same — at least it helps you start the day.

Feet settling on the rough floor, you blink at the stray piece of paper in front of your door. It looks like someone slid it in. Groggily, you walk towards it, complaining as you bend down to pick it up, sitting back down on your messy bed.

It was a simple, white letter. It’s sides were slightly blunt, the page looking like it was ripped out of somewhere.

“Letter?” You question, heart dropping to your stomach. You open the letter with anticipation.

Y/N.

I… I’m really sorry about that last letter. You must’ve waited a long time for me, but I never got to reach you because of my fear that you won’t look at me the same once revealing myself.

I’ve liked you for so long, I care about you so much it pains me to think you have to go through hard thoughts. I remember liking you because of your smile. It was pretty; it was contagious. Then, through watching from my safe distance, I fell for you more and more. Your kindness, your sweet nature and overall comfort seemed to make my fondness grow, it just couldn’t be helped. I was in a stage of hopelessness, but I had to make sure I wasn’t too weird or anything.

From your posts on social media… It came to my realisation you and Wonwoo became much closer.

Is it okay for me to say that I’m jealous?

‘Hurt’ is a better way to call it, but, Wonwoo’s something else. You and him connected without difficulty, and it didn’t take you long for the both of you to watch movies together or have lunch. During that time, you seemed to smile a lot more with him, I almost felt upset that it was all because of Wonwoo, meanwhile I couldn’t do any of that. I can’t make you smile like that. I’m guessing you thought I was Wonwoo — that Wonwoo was Miracle — but no, I’m not. Sorry to disappoint you…

Maybe I’m so jealous because… Because Wonwoo is everything I’m not.

My heart is being poured onto these pages and I’m sorry for my flow, but I just needed to let this out. You need to know before I finish this. I can’t even show my face, let alone confess to you… It’s pathetic. But if I can’t express my feelings the way I do internally, I’ll keep these emotions guarded if you truly like Wonwoo. In the end, I want you to be happy. I’ve never devoted myself to someone before, is that why my chest hurts so much?

So this is a letter — an ode — for you. To thank you for everything. It’s a lot to take in, and a lot for me to declare, but you’re my first love. And before you begin to think negatively through this letter, don’t. That’s the last thing I want you to do. I just think its time to come to terms with myself and my place in your eyes.

You’re still the most wonderful person I know and I want you to always remember that. Writing these cliche letters have grown as a part of my routine, each with memories that’ll remain in my mind for a lifetime and until the next. They’ll remain in my heart forever.

This letter will be last. I’m sad it had to end this way, but let’s think of it for the best. Let’s remember this beautifully rather than in pain.

I love you, Y/N.

Miracle.

You grip onto the paper, holding back the tear that want to seep through.

After a month of silence, you’re given this?

No, no, it can’t be like this. It didn’t feel right at all. It felt like all your fears creeping from behind, pushing you down into a hopeless hole that runs for an eternity.

Like an instant reaction, you do the first thing that comes into your mind: searching for your phone and tapping away on the screen, the cold screen pressed against your ear.

“Wonwoo? Can we talk?”

You and Wonwoo meet half an hour later in Seventeen, yourself ordering a sweet treat to unhealthily energise you. Wonwoo, on the other hand, ordered himself the Real Cocoa, a new order that was added just last week (which was basically their branded hot chocolate).

You do admit that you truly did think that Wonwoo was Miracle, but after the situation, it didn’t just confirm that Wonwoo wasn’t him, but that it was better off being friends with him. Towards him, your feelings never escalated because in the end, Wonwoo was just a really good friend.

“Care to tell me what’s up? You made me worried after that call…”

“Sorry… Just, let me explain all of this to you.”

“I’m all ears.”

And you tell him everything. You tell him about Miracle, the love letters, the strawberry milk, about your desire to find Miracle, Jihoon helping you along the way, even admitting that you thought Wonwoo was Miracle because his actions fit into the actions of Miracle, the so-called reveal, the month of silence after that, and finally the present day: the ode.

Wonwoo props up a paper crane made from his tissue next to him, humming as he takes in all of the information with a calmness to him.

“Do you have it on you?” Wonwoo asks, “The ode — that goodbye letter.”

You search through your bag for the item, handing it to Wonwoo, his fingers unfolding the paper’s contents and exposing their woods, letting his eyes scan paper systematically. His lips move along to the words, whispering a few phrases. In such a short time, you manage to remember most words of that letter.

The male gestures that he’s finished reading by placing the letter back on the table. First, he sighs, head jerking itself slightly. “Wow. I’m flattered that someone thinks of me as if I’m perfect—“

You whack him on the arm, a little angry he had to joke in such a scenario, but it lost some of the tension inside yourself.

“Kidding, but, I do feel slightly responsible. I never intended for my actions to affect him. So this was the last letter he sent? No hints to who he his, not even a name?”

Shaking your head, Wonwoo tuts at the response. “I can only tell you that his handwriting is pretty. It’s also why I thought you could’ve been Miracle too, but guess not, so…”

“True, it is nicely written. Lets just read through the letter again until we come up with something.”

So you look through the letter over and over until every word is memorised, nothing relevant coming into mind.

“Whatcha’ guys looking at?” The unintended scare makes Wonwoo and you jump, Junhui reacting along with the both of you despite being the one who scared you. He’s in his uniform, so he must be working right now.

“Love letter.” Wonwoo states, but you glare at him.

He isn’t wrong per se, but to say something like that out loud was awkward.

Correcting him, you add, “We’re finding out who wrote this letter.” To be honest, you didn’t want to add Junhui — the first suspect on the potential Miracles list — into this, but it was too late to tell him something else. Wonwoo ruined that chance anyway. “Wanna help? We kinda need all the help we can get.”

Junhui’s eyes widen. “Woah, you have an admirer Y/N?!”

Brokenly nodding, you also think it’s better to confess to Junhui as well. Keeping it in will only feel heavier on your load. “Actually, at first, I thought it was you…”

“It wasn’t just me?” Wonwoo asks, surprised.

“Mhmm. It’s just three of you, though.”

“And who’s the third?”

“Um… Soonyoung,”

Junhui points at the letter, “You really think Soonyoung has handwriting this nice? We should get you to an opticians after this—“

“Jun!” Wonwoo nudges him, Junhui laughing.

“Hey, I’m not wrong!”

Shrugging, Wonwoo bends his elbow over the chair, turning to Junhui. “Any ideas then? Anything is helpful.”

Junhui bends over, head moving left and right like a metronome as he reads through the letter, face concentrated like when he was picking between the teddy and flower. You should ask him how that story went.

In the end, Junhui shakes his head. You and Wonwoo grunt.

“Unless,” He comes closer to the paper again, “Miracle wrote this letter in here.”

“Here? How the heck can you confirm that?” You ask, taking glimpses of the paper.

“The coffee ring.”

Wonwoo argues, “But that could’ve been from any other coffee shop.”

Junhui moves back and presents the paper for the both of you to see. “If you feel it, it still feels damp and you can see some of the coffee imprinted to the other side where the note is folded. What time did you get this letter Y/N?”

“Almost an hour ago? It was slid through my dorm door.”

Triumphant, Junhui snaps his fingers. “Exactly! If this note was still fresh with these coffee stains, Seventeen is the only one that fits the criteria because your dorm wouldn’t be too far away from here.”

“Holy shit. He’s onto something.” Wonwoo gasps.

“Did you see who wrote this Jun?”

“Nope. I was restocking items then, sorry Y/N — but I probably guess it was the guy sitting near the entrance by the corner wearing a cap and mustard shirt. A gasp came from that corner and I got a glimpse of coffee being spilt there. I never got to see his face though.”

“Progress.” Inhaling a sharp sigh, Wonwoo relaxes in his chair, noticing your sullen star at the paper.

“We need a little bit more than that though… I swear, Miracle will forever be a mystery— AH!” You yell when you look at the window, Soonyoung’s face pressed against the glass, producing an ugly face. Gaining a reaction from you three, Soonyoung laughs evilly as he walks into the cafe, slinging an arm around Junhui.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere Wonwoo! I thought we were going to that new PC bang you’ve been talking about non-stop! I even ended dance practice early for it… Oh, hey Y/N!”

Wonwoo scrunches his face. “About that, well…”

“Anywho!” Soonyoung interrupts. “I saw you all crowded here, so, let me join in on the fun!”

Junhui picks up the light item for Soonyoung to see. “Can you guess who wrote this?”

Soonyoung takes it from Junhui’s hands, his reading combination of squinting his eyes and jutting out a lip. Furrowing his eyebrows, his head cocks back.

“Oh, it’s Jihoon’s hadnwriting.”

Jihoon?

“Him? Why bring him up all of a sudden—” You stammer, unable to keep the nervousness inside. “Besides, he doesn’t write like that.”

“He does! This is totally Jihoon’s! I see it inside the books he carries.”

“His handwriting his messy. Like really, really messy.”

“I know his handwriting when I see it,” you go mute over Soonyoung’s argument, Wonwoo noticing the argument progressing somewhere else.

Wonwoo takes it into his own hands. “Okay, we trust you Soon, but is there anything else you can connect to Jihoon other than that?”

Soonyoung shows the neatly torn side of the paper. “You can tell it’s been ripped from a book. He does this a lot when we’re together, but normally crumples them and throws it on the ground or something like that when it doesn’t ‘sound right’ to him…” Soonyoung faces you. “You also notice he rips a lot of paper out of his journals too, right?”

You nod, further improved by the addition of Junhui, stating, “Jihoon isn’t great with words either — he must’ve had to write what he would wanna say multiple times before writing the final thing—“

“Which explains why so many pages are ripped out from his book!” Soonyoung finishes for him, baffled.

Wonwoo leans into the table a bit more, propping himself with his arm. “Have you met him today? Jihoon?” Soonyoung nods. “What did he wear?”

“Let’s see. He wore a yellow shirt—“ Junhui’s eyes open in panic, Soonyoung rambling on, “I don’t understand how he wasn’t cold, it’s freezing.”

You look at Junhui and Wonwoo. “He didn’t say anything about a cap, anyone could’ve worn a yellow shirt…” Why were you arguing against this? Half of you didn’t want to believe it, the other half…

“Cap? I let Jihoon borrow mine because he left midway during dance practice. Guess he got bored. Was it white?”

For confirmation, Wonwoo looks at Junhui — Soonyoung mirroring Wonwoo to make it look like he knows what’s happening — who slowly nods in somewhat horror.

After the reaction passes on to the other two, they hurry to the note and reread it together, all the faint murmurs about Jihoon turning into exaggerated exclamations as they get to the end of the letter.

Drowning into deep thought, ignoring all of the others’ reactions, you piece together the truth. “No way — the garden — it was him. He was waiting for me. Jihoon is Miracle. Holy shit, what have I done?”

“Garden?” Junhui questions. Because of your late realisation to how oblivious you were, you thoroughly rub your eyes, letting this sink in. Wonwoo’s lips thin, hand tapping your arm to comfort you.

“At least we revealed Miracle’s identity,”

“It took you this long to figure out it was the person you’ve been around this whole time?”

“It didn’t seem like it was him Soonyoung! And I still dragged him into it… I flat out rejected him that day, he must hate me—“

“Hey, that isn’t true.” Reasons Wonwoo. “You two need to talk it out and apologise. Sure, you took a while to come to your senses, but he shouldn’t have led you on and decide to call it quits last second.”

Junhui puts a finger against the window. “Jihoon’s right over there — exiting campus.” All of you swivel your heads to watch the male walk out of the grounds, expressionless. “You should talk to him!”

“I can get him—“

“Wait, Soonyoung, stay. I think I have a plan. But all of you need to help me.”

It’s a nice day, Jihoon thinks, walking across the hallway, his eyes concentrated on the window and the students in groups enjoying their day. Other than that, he isn’t paying too much attention to anything, music coming through his headphones.

But his phone vibrates, causing him to tap the screen and see what the text is.

Is it okay if we talk?

Jihoon hitches a breath as he rereads the six words over and over, his heart slightly throbbing too fast, the rush of feelings flooding in. He doesn’t like this feeling — or the reason that they came back so quickly — it was like an uninvited guest.

As much as his feelings were at the tip of the iceberg, he didn’t want to give into you. He promised himself to let things go; to have time to himself before acting as if everything was fine.

So, he sets his phone away and continues walking, turning up the sound even though he’s fully aware it’s not going to distract him. He’ll reply to you in a few hours, maybe say his phone died on him, or something.

He glances at his hand, it’s shaking — what the heck?

There’s a prodding around his shoulder blade and a muffled noise behind him, but it takes him a while to finally reacts to the student who stops him in his tracks by standing in front of him. Hanging his headphones around his neck, Jihoon looks at the other with widened eyes, shifting them from time to time as he has never seen this person in his life.

“Jihoon, is it?” They say. Careful, Jihoon nods. “Someone wants to meet you at the lecture hall. He’s… This high?” The student raises their hand to estimate their height. “You won’t miss him.”

“Okay… Do you know what it’s for?” After saying that, he realises he should’ve asked who this person was, but Jihoon went against changing his question. The student shrugs and Jihoon can’t blame them — he doesn’t even know why someone would want to see him anyway, unless it’s Soonyoung asking to eat for the millionth time — “It’s alright. Thanks for tell me anyway. Um, have a nice day.”

Walking away, Jihoon’s mind lingers on what he could be asked, an odd feeling in his stomach the more he tries to push down his emotions.

Arriving to the lecture hall, he takes glimpses inside to see if there was one vacant or had someone that remotely looked like they were waiting for Jihoon.

Luckily, he finds one that fits the first criteria, and also revealed someone packing up their things near the front rows. Jihoon isn’t too sure if that’s who wants to see him, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask anyway.

He steps down the stairs until he’s level with the person, shocked to see it was Junhui. “Jun?”

Nonchalant, Junhui faces Jihoon and forms a kind face when he sees the male. “Jihoon? I haven’t seen you in a while, you doing fine?”

“Oh — I’ve been well,”

“Nice,” Junhui nods in appreciation, midway packing his things, “my lecture just ended. Did you want something?”

Junhui didn’t want to see me? Did he just forget? Jihoon puffs his cheeks. “Ah — no, it’s okay—“ he’s about to leave, but something inside him stops him from doing so. “By any chance, did you wanna talk to me?”

“Right!” Junhui gasps, digging back into his bag as he brings out an item. “Can you give this to Soonyoung? I forgot to this morning since I was in a hurry and my shift is soon.”

Doing such a simple favour can make Jihoon just say no, can you do it when you see Soonyoung again? to Junhui, but he doesn’t want to look rude so he complies to the request, being lent the white cap into his hands.

“I’ll see if he’s in the dance studio.”

“You’re a lifesaver Jihoon, I owe you one. You like food don’t you? Let’s eat next time. Okay?” A grin widens on Junhui’s face naturally and Jihoon, like he’s under a spell, nods the slightest, Junhui finally packing up and slinging a bag over him, walking away whilst humming.

Jihoon gets to relax when he finally leaves, expressing a whole sigh. Junhui’s so relaxed, isn’t he? Not to mention friendly too. Who could say no to him?

Now heading to the dance studio, Jihoon twirls the cap around his finger, his mind still going back to your text. Then he remembers he’s going to Soonyoung, and a funny memory comes into his head.

It’s the time when Soonyoung asked him about you — if you were seeing someone. In Jihoon’s mind, it wasn’t his place to say if you were dating, but at the same time, he didn’t like to think about you with someone else. From what began as platonic blossomed into something more, a slight desire to treasure you for himself, but it sounded crazy in Jihoon’s head.

Therefore in the end, he didn’t answer Soonyoung’s question. Jihoon was also aware of the feelings Soonyoung had for you, despite Soonyoung’s bad attempts of trying to disapprove of it. Jihoon was tagged to not express his feelings, so Jihoon kept it that way. Nevertheless, he didn’t want to break up his friendship with Soonyoung by admitting he liked you too — he wanted Soonyoung to keep his puppy love for you.

“Hey man, what’s up Hoon?”

Jihoon flinches a little. He didn’t even register that he was in the dance studio already. He greets Soonyoung with a wobbly smile. “Jun wanted to give this back.”

“Oh, I’ve been searching for this everywhere!” Soonyoung throws his current cap away and wears the white one. “While you’re here, I need to give you something.”

“Am I being a messenger owl today?” Scoffs Jihoon.

“What?”

“Nothing,”

An item is placed into Jihoon’s hand — a laptop that was familiar to him — and he looks at Soonyoung’s face, smiling as if it was nothing. He couldn’t blame Soonyoung, but it was like a stab to a fresh wound.

“Can you give this to Y/N? I used it to transport some files to my phone. I pretty sure she’s in the library with Wonwoo. They’re familiar with each other aren’t they?”

Yes Soonyoung, I know that, Jihoon grits his teeth. Jihoon shouldn’t be like this; he has no right to be. Why, out of all people, does he have to see Y/N and Wonwoo face to face? Fate was probably laughing at him today.

How sad.

“Whatever.” Jihoon eventually comments, walking out. Soonyoung shouts love you Jihoon! as he walks out, Jihoon scowling secretly. But he can’t get mad at Soonyoung — it was a harmless act in the end.

Soonyoung exhales loudly once Jihoon leaves. There’s a reason why Soonyoung isn’t a drama major, thank god he played it off decently. He finds his phone, lifting it to his ear. “You’re up.”

It’s quite a walk, but Jihoon makes it to the library, holding in a breath. Is it normal for is heart to beat this fast? Maybe not, but it was.

Jihoon slaps himself lightly on the cheek, wanting to come back to the reality of this all. It’s over. The simple words keeps Jihoon motivated to enter the library, quiet and unbothered.

Yet to his surprise, you couldn’t be seen anywhere. Like an idiot, he walks up and down and around the library three times before concluding one, everyone was certainly beginning to think he’s insane, and two, you aren’t in the library.

“Fantastic.” Jihoon clicks his tongue, preparing himself for what’s about to happen. Right now, he wants to kick a chair, yet he suppresses that as he walks to the desk, paper cranes of different sizes and colours filling the sides.

Jihoon stares at Wonwoo, who’s in his own world, silently folding more cranes one by one, multitasking as he reads through a textbook.

Slowly arriving in front of the desk, Jihoon clears his throat. Awkwardly.

“Wonwoo?”

“Hm — Jihoon?” Wonwoo puts down his in-progress crane, tilting his head. “How may I help?”

His chill tone makes Jihoon bubble with envy inside. Insecurity hits. Manifests. Jihoon presents the laptop to Wonwoo, hand running along one of your stickers in the corner.

He either had two options: ask where you were, or ask Wonwoo to give the laptop to you.

Jihoon comes to a decision.

“Give this to Y/N please,”

“Ah, Y/N just left, what bad timing,” Wonwoo pouts, now holding the laptop and storing it behind the desk, “I’ll return it as soon as possible. Y/N will be really happy.”

“Okay.” Forcing a smile, Jihoon thinks he can’t hold this up any longer. It feels like the world is closing on him. “Now I, uh, better go—“

“Before you do,” Wonwoo disrupts, “Y/N left this.” He shows a closed letter, sliding it along the desk to Jihoon. “I think it’s for you.”

Me? “I don’t think so…” Jihoon shakes his head, rejecting the letter. “Its probably for you.”

“Pretty sure it isn’t,” the other holds up a smile, “we’re just friends. Whatever it is, I don’t think Y/N would tell me something through letter.” Wonwoo pushes the letter just slightly, enough to tip over the edge and for Jihoon to clumsily catch it. “I have no idea what it’s about, but the name says what it says.”

Jihoon checks the letters on the flap. Lee Jihoon.

“Oh.” Jihoon says intelligently. He moves his lips to add something, but recognises the person waiting behind him, giving no option but to quickly say goodbye and walk out.

Sitting after much exhaustion, Jihoon unfolds the black letter and takes out the tiny-sized paper.

Dear Jihoon,

This is long overdue on my behalf, so here it is.

You had me fooled.

Fooled you were helping me all this time; fooled that you were just tagging along with this; fooled I was going the wrong way all this time. But you know what? You fooled yourself too.

Fooled yourself by watching me go through each person, one by one. Fooled through pointing out the good things about everyone. Fooled because when it came to you, you looked at yourself negatively. I could be mad — I’d have a right to be — but it’s not what I’m here for.

I’m here to tell you the truth.

The truth that you don’t have to be Junhui to be loved by everyone, or be Soonyoung to catch my attention, even Wonwoo to make me smile ‘brightly’. I want you to be you.

Jihoon who’s always hardworking, the person who brings a smile to my face every day without fail, who I hold precious to my heart, who’s amazing in every single way but stays grounded. You — with a loving heart even though he doesn’t want to admit, that through the stubbornness, you cherish those close to you; admire them, even.

You admire them to the point that you think you can’t get to their level, and it hurts me to see you can’t recognise your glow. Because of you, each day is beautiful to me. Persona or true self, you are held dear to me, because in the end, it’s you.

Out of all possibilities, I wouldn’t have thought you’d admire someone like me. ‘Why me?’ Is what I thought the first time I recieved that letter during that cold January. Though, I slowly loved myself more and more with your words, and I was always on the receiving end.

What I’m trying to say is… I wanna return the favour. Show you how special you are, make you love yourself the same way you did to me.

So please, meet me in the garden? I miss you so much.

I miss your face, smile, voice, the stupid texts you send at 2AM — I miss it all. I hope you do, too.

It’s fine if you don’t come. I just wanted to let you know all of this.

My miracle; that’s who you are in my eyes.

Love, Y/N.

Jihoon begins to run to the garden, heart beating faster than ever. Inside the library, Wonwoo smiles, soon texting you.

Out of the endless possibilities.

Jihoon stumbles into the garden, turning around and round, searching with every fibre of energy in him. He stops, thinking deeply before his eyes lighten — shimmering — when he goes into the direction of the hidden area, hidden behind vivid green leaves and small, white flowers growing.

He sees you standing there, a fresh breeze coming to him. He feels unworthy of being dressed so casually like this but it doesn’t matter because you’re there.

Your hand gripped onto your arm as you’re seated on the stone bench, gently swinging your legs and face sullen yet calm, eyes moving from your shoes to the stone path.

Only one miracle has happened before our eyes

Quietly, he calls out your name.

Your ears pick it up, the quiet call feeling like the loudest thing in your mind, all the messy thoughts fading away. The two of you meet face to face, taking in every curve and expression forming on your face.

Jihoon’s smooth skin kissed with faint beauty marks, deep irises shaking as they gaze at you, eyelashes moving beautifully when he closes his eyes, the hue of his cheeks warming to a cherry blossom pink, being bridged over his nose, lips agape, no words escaping out of him.

He’s just like you remembered him: beautiful.

Even if we miss each other, it’s alright, I’ll find you.

He approaches you first, walking with a little sigh while his eyes concentrate on you. You couldn’t just break away, you were enchanted too.

When Jihoon stands in front of you, he takes you by the hand, pulling you up and not letting go afterwards.

“Hi,” dumbly, you say.

“Hi.” He says with the same tone.

It makes the both of you laugh, breaking away in shy giggles as Jihoon’s lips wobble once more, and his hands begin to shake. You hold onto his hands tight, running a thumb over his skin. “Look at me,” you whisper.

Jihoon looks at you. After all the feelings he kept inside, the insecurities he hid away, the admiration he has for everyone else but himself, he looks at you and it goes away.

He finds it dazzling how you have so much impact on him. You, standing there, and letting every single thing in his head dissolve. Just like that, it’s done all because of you.

You smile, moving your hand to his cheek. Naturally, Jihoon nuzzles into your palm. Just watching it, you knew that you didn’t mind this.

So let’s be in love even more, so we won’t lose this miracle.

Jihoon breaks away from your touch, his hand reaching into his back pocket, revealing a crumpled piece of paper. His hands, still shaky, takes it out, flatting the deep creases made in them.

You remember that piece of paper; it was from his notebook the day you met in this exact same spot.

“Y/N,” Jihoon reads off the paper, and it’s apparent that you can hear his heartbeats from all the way here, “I’m aware I’m the last person who you would’ve thought to be,” you laugh in between his words, Jihoon relaxing along with you, “but I hope you aren’t disappointed. After all, I did warn you.”

He looks away from the paper, putting it by his side.

“So enough with this persona, and time to formally reveal myself. I’m Jihoon and I like you so, so much Y/N. I can’t think of anyone else but you. It’s always been you. Finally, I can say this — no worries, nothing. Will you be mine?”

Happiness rockets inside you, pulling Jihoon into a hug without any warning, nodding speechlessly. Jihoon melts into the hug too, hands wrapped securely around you.

“Say it again,” you softly ask.

Jihoon’s chuckle vibrates from his chest, sending a warm feeling to you. “I like you,”

You smile so much that it hurts, hands playing with Jihoon’s hair. “I like you too, my miracle.”

All the beautiful words from the countless letters sent to you finally come to a reality, its beautifulness more apparent inside Jihoon’s eyes, not able to comprehend such a sight that he’ll cherish for an eternity. He hums questionably, causing you to look at him with shy eyes.

Forever, this was wanted for forever.

“It’s you; you’re my miracle.”

Thank the heavens Jihoon reciprocated that feeling too.

[james-stark-the-writer-wips]

A Year At The Opera - Excerpt

Chapter 12, Part 6: Joe

Word Count: 1600 words

*

After a half hour drive from Rosewood Lane, Joe arrived at Carson’s workplace: Duval Industries. The entire complex stood even further away from Athea than Rosewood Lane. It’s corporate buildings stood tall and had a separate entrance than the rest of the actual factory. Duval had bought up a lot of the land in the area a while back, giving them free reign to expand as much as they wished and their recent merger with Quell Incorporated, a competitor who’d almost gone bankrupt, had certainly incentivized expansion.

Joe got past the security checkpoint after flashing his badge. Parking his car in the lot, he made his way to the main corporate offices. The building stood out like a sore thumb — all glass and class and urban compared to the factory’s steel and iron and ‘crass-ness’, as some people would say. The factory was all huddled in mostly two floors while the offices stood at least fifteen floors up.

He walked up to the reception and flashed his badge. The young girl behind the counter put her phone down and stood up. “Can I help you, detective?”

Her cheery tone was like sandpaper to his ears.

“Yes, do you know where Mr. Caron Justice worked?” He asked.

“I'm afraid he isn't in today.” She gave him a smile. “Wait, back up. Worked?” Her tone became serious. “As in past tense? Is everything okay?”

“I need to talk to his colleagues and any people he had immediate, personal contact with when he was here.”

“Of course, just a minute. I'll just ask the boss.” She sat back down, slightly shaking and picked up the phone with a trembling hand. “Mr. Rayleigh? … I’m sorry for disturb— No, I understand but there’s a detective here to see you… It’s about Mr. Justice… Of course… Yep… I’ll send him up.” She put the phone down and turned to Joe. “He’s in his office. Tenth floor.”

“Where on the tenth floor?”

“Oh the— um…” She cleared her throat. “The entire floor is his.” Of course he has an entire floor for his office.

“His office is being renovated and the floor was empty so he's moved in.” She clarified. “Just head up. Elevator’s over there.” She pointed to the set of elevators behind Joe.

“Alright, thanks.” He walked away.

As he stood, waiting for the elevator to arrive, staring at the brushed steel of the door, he wondered about what he would ask all the people when he got up there and met them. It was already pretty late into monday and he wasn’t sure he would meet everyone so he would at least have to come back once more.

The elevator doors opened and two intimidatingly buff men in suits walked out.

“You’re the detective?” The tall one asked.

Joe nodded.

“Mr. Rayleigh sent us to get you. Please, come on.” The shorter man said, stepping aside and placing a hand on the door to keep it open.

“Fine.” Joe said. He didn’t have the energy to be working today anyway. He certainly didn’t want to start anything.

He stepped into the elevator and the two men got in beside him. The tall one pressed the button and the elevator started to move up. Joe focused his attention on the low whir of the motor as it dragged the three of them up. How much work it would have to put in, how the motor would spin.

A minute of silence passed before Joe couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Soooo, either of you know Mr. Justice?” Joe asked.

“I met him a few times. He was a nice man.” The short one said.

“Anyone you know around that had it out for him?”

“Couldn’t tell you. Didn’t see him nearly often enough for that.” 

The elevator dinged. “We’re here.” The tall one said.

The doors opened and Joe stepped into the large offices of Jackson Rayleigh, current CEO and the face of Duval Industries. And just a few feet away from the elevator stood Jackson Rayleigh himself. As you'd expect, the man was built like an investor magnet. Dressed in a professionally made, hand-tailored suit with a huge office and security guards that implied importance, his over-dyed brown hair slicked back but not so far that he looked like he never had any fun and a charming smile to boot. Being too busy to pick up a call but actually doing barely anything described his job to a T. Of course, he did oversee the final decisions of practically everything given his last job had him sell the company's IPO at 10 million and he had every plan to get Duval as commercially viable as possible, no matter the corner cut. But regardless, he was a lot more so the face of the company than anything. Most shareholders actually passed the bigger decisions through themselves before he gave the final stamp of approval to go ahead with it. Truth be told, Duval Industries bigger decision making steps were more democratic than some elections. But I'm getting sidetracked here. 

The point is: Jackson Rayleigh was the “manʼs man”, the man you see in advertising about clothes, the man you see in videos about who you should trust, 'the man you can trust', as one of the Duval ad slogans put it. And he made his best to revolve his entire persona around it.

“Welcome, Detective…” Jackson extended a hand.

Joe walked forward, his footsteps muffled by the carpet. “Vega. Joe Vega.” Joe shook his hand. 

“Please, follow me.” Jackson said and began to walk away from the elevator. Joe took out his recorder and started to follow him. 

The faded red walls of the 

“So,” Jackson asked. “What is this all about?” 

“Well, your CFO, Carson Justice, any idea when he last came into the office?” 

“Is everything okay?” Jackson asked without pausing. 

“Unfortunately not.” Joe stopped. Jackson turned around to face him. 

“What's the problem?” Jackson asked. 

“Mr. Justice was found dead a few days ago.”

Jackson gasped, almost breaking away from his composed personality. “What?” 

“Yeah.” Joe said calmly. 

“And you suspect foul play?” 

“I can't tell you that but what I can tell you is that I'm actively looking into leads.”

Jackson turned around again and started to walk. He cleared his throat. “What can I do to help, detective?”

“Where did Mr. Justice work?”

“He worked on the fourth floor with the rest of the financial division.” Jackson said.

“I'm gonna need a list of all his coworkers and talk to everyone that worked with him.”

“Of course, anything we can do to help. You have our full cooperation.” Jackson said. 

They arrived at Jackson's desk and Jackson sat down. 

“Alright, then, Mr. Rayleigh—”

“Please, Jackson is fine.”

“Right, Jackson. Just have a few routine questions for you, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course not.”

“When was the last time you saw Mr. Justice?”

“I believe it was a few days ago, just as he was leaving for lunch though I do lose track of time sometimes. We can check his last login at the reception on the first floor. Everyone’s supposed to sign out before they leave.”

“Any way you could check right now?”

“Of course. Just a sec.” Jackson said, picking up the phone on his desk and dialing a number. “Yeah, Maya?… Yeah, could you do me a favor and check when Mr. Justice last checked in and out? Yeah, I’ll hold.” Jackson gave Joe an awkward smile as he waited for Maya to check. A few seconds later, he spoke again. “Okay so he checked in on the third at 8am and checked out at 3? You’re sure? Okay, thanks.” He put the phone down.

“And you said he worked on the fourth floor?”

“Yep. With all the rest of the accounting department.”

“Right. How many people work in the department?”

“Well given our recent merger it’s gone up a little bit to 64 now.”

“That’s a specific number.”

“I pride myself on knowing who’s working under me, detective. Also I was looking over the division’s budgeting today so…” 

“And how many was it before?”

“Somewhere close to 40 I believe,” Jackson leaned back in his chair. “You can get all the specific names from Maya downstairs.”

“Anyone specific come to mind that interacted with him a lot, maybe even hated him?”

“Couldn’t tell you honestly. We barely saw each other.”

“Okay then. Final question, when did you leave the office on the third?”

“I’m pretty sure I left late because I had some work left to do. Sometime around 8 maybe? You can always double check downstairs.”

Joe stood up. “Thank you for your help, Mr. Rayleigh.”

“Don’t mention it. If you have any more questions, you know where to find me.”

“That I do.”

“Well, you know your way back down, I won’t keep you. I’m sure you have important work to do.”

Joe gave him a weak smile and turned around, walking back to the elevator.

-

The elevator doors opened and he was back on the first floor. He walked up to the reception. “Maya?” He asked the girl he’d met earlier.

“That’s me.” She replied.

“Good. I’m going to need the names of everyone that works in the accounting department. And their check in and check out time for the last week. Ooh and especially everyone who was here before the merger.”

“Of course.” She cleared her throat. “Just have a seat and I’ll get it all printed for you.” She pointed to the seats. Joe turned around and walked over, sitting patiently as he waited to get started on the worst part of the day: questioning 40 people, maybe even more, in a row.

*

[nctinfo]

[TRANS] Jaehyun interview for ‘Grazia’ April 2019!

“I think I want to show a little bit more of me. I’m always trying my best and working towards higher goals but this year I want to show various images of me either through special stages or multiple channels. I have to grab each opportunity one by one.”

”You’ve practiced bowling for 3 weeks and became a silver medalist at the ISACs! Were you always this good at sports? It’s something I got from my dad it seems. I’ve naturally liked sports since I was a kid so it was a part of my life. Especially ball games, I’ve tried about all of them and I ended up liking basketball the most. So if you were to take a physical strength test you’d end up as #1? Whenever there was a sport event I was running as a representative of my school. Hahaha. What else is there that you can say you’re good at? Try to brag about yourself a little. If there’s something that sparks my interest and I like it, I immerse myself in it till the very end. It’s not always like this but when I start something I try to do my best at it. What has gotten your attention recently? Recently I was into bowling for a bit, but even then something I always love is music and singing.

Not long ago NCT 127 held a solo concert. Since it’s the first concert since your debut it must be extremely meaningful to you personally. That’s right. After the concert was done I felt really grateful that my job is being a singer. Usually, I’d say I feel happy after performing. After that concert, the feeling has become so much clearer. Was there anything you were worried about during concert preparations? From the very beginning, we wanted to show different charms so I was preparing in order to do that. From stages to showcase songs to dance performances and walking stages where members could spurt their personal charms. Is there any moment that you could point out as the most crucial? We’ve prepared our lightsticks to have fun with our fans. There was a time when we were trying to synchronize our lightstick movements but then it seemed like I had a bit too much fun as the lightstick started shaking slightly. And then my lightstick just flew off. I was holding onto it with way too much power. So the moment when in the end I was just waving the handle of the lightstick has remained in my memory. (laughs) So is there any moments that you felt were a bit regretful? We held concerts on 2 days and the first day was fun, but also a bit of a shame. It felt like each moment was really rushed so we thought we’ll have to take a more relaxed approach next time. So Day 2 was more chill in comparison to Day 1, but then at the end, our final talk lead to a really emotional moment so I tried to bear with the unknown feelings that resurfaced. So it was even more of a shame. I thought we can’t even make it fun till the very end... So I learned that your heart will only feel lighter if you let everything go without any regrets on the stage. So now that you’re touring in Japan you’ll be pouring your heart like this? That’s it. Every stage, every concert one by one I’ll be pouring it all out until there’s nothing left. (laugh)

What does ‘NCT 127-ly’ mean? Have you ever thought about it? Um… Neo? I think that’s our charm, being always new and fresh. Whether it’s a concept, a song or appearance wise we always try our best to showcase something new, I think it’s a good thing about us. As of now is there anything you or NCT 127 need? I would like to gain a lot of experience through our concerts. The more I learn from experience, I realise I need more different experiences more than anything else in order to move forward. Before you knew it 4 years have passed since your debut. As years repeat, do you feel like you’ve grown as a person? I feel so every time we release an album. When recording I put effort into each song but later when listening there’s always an unsatisfying bit. Then I go like ‘Next time I’ll have to sing it like this’ and practice through self-reflection. So then when recording the next album I can put things I learned into action. It’s the same when shooting jacket photos for an album or when having magazine photoshoots. In order to be more comfortable, I practice laying down. So that I can showcase a different image. Doing something for a long time doesn’t make it any easier. Now, what’s something you’re used to by now and what do you still struggle with? I guess to a degree I know how music shows work (laugh)? No matter what time I have to get up and get ready, I’ll get used to that pattern. Something that’s still hard is singing and dancing. It really is endless. You think you’ve gotten better and the next thing you know there’s something else to improve. So I still get nervous when I’m in front of the camera. It didn’t seem like it when I saw you when you were shooting earlier? To be honest… I was nervous earlier too. Then how much better would you be if that stress disappeared? I’d love for it to go away quickly (laugh).

You had your first solo photoshoot today. Be honest, have you prepared at all? I was a bit careful with my diet yesterday. Hahaha. I usually look for poses I like in magazines or when we’re out shopping I browse some on mobile apps more often than not. Those things help me out a little. Since you have a lot of interest in fashion, do you dream of the next generation fashionista title? Hahaha. If I’ll have a bit more interest and study hard… Wouldn’t it be possible? What’s your personal style? I don’t have one exact style I like. I try wearing various things. Rather than going for something fancy or plain I tend to prefer something closer to an unique style. For instance even if I wear a shirt and slacks, I like it when the fit is unique. So it’s still a long way. I need to build up more experience. Usually, with new year, you abandon things you’re used to and embrace the unknown. Not long ago you have stepped down from your radio program of 2 years, it seems to be bittersweet. It really is a shame. As we were seeing each other every day of the week it felt a little more like a family. Before the last broadcast, I kept telling myself ‘You will not cry. You can’t cry’, but as we were reading handwritten letters I got all choked up. As we received messages from our listeners everyday it felt like we got closer, and thinking that I won’t see the staff again makes me feel weird. With having to do radio duties during busy schedules you never really had a day off. Even if we had really tight schedules we haven’t missed a day. On days like this, I’d go to the broadcasting station with a healing mindset. So on the other hand, is there anything new happening this year? Today’s shoot (laugh)? Oh, that’s rewarding to me as a head editor. It was fun. I’ve tried different styles and there wasn’t any particular concept which I liked. And a few other things include our tour, we did our first Korean concept, we’re touring in Japan and soon in North America too. What’s your goal for this year? I think I want to show a little bit more of me. I’m always trying my best and working towards higher goals but this year I want to show various images of me either through special stages or multiple channels. I have to grab each opportunity one by one. What are the higher goals? Becoming the best singer and becoming a person with own confident colour. And personally, I want to become a bigger person. What’s Jaehyun’s own colour? My dressing style or the tone of my voice. Or it could be my style of dancing. I’m still trying to find it out myself. Then what are you greedy for in the future? First of all whenever given a chance I’m going to do my best and face whatever’s in front of me. Kinda like ISACs hahaha. Tell us a trivial thing that made you happy recently. I bought new scented candles recently. They smell really good, so I light them up, connect a Bluetooth speaker and listen to music so it’s really comfortable and nice. If you could spend one day freely, what would you do? Time and space can be bent. I’d really like to travel. I haven’t had a chance to go to Europe, so I’d like to visit there. Go on a week course that takes more than a week in just one day. It’s your birthday soon. How would you like to spend it this year? If I think about it, it’s been special every year since I turned 20. On my 20th birthday, we had the first performance in Thailand. Last year hyungs sneaked into my radio broadcast and threw me a surprise party.  So regardless of what I’m gonna do this year, it’s gonna be a good time. If you could give yourself a birthday present, what would it be? Travel package (laugh)! With everything in it, from plane tickets to accommodation. Personally, what kind of shining moment do you want to make this year? If at the end of this year I look back and think ‘Ah, I’m proud’ it would be nice. I’ve been working hard until now, but from now on I want to always keep running without a break. If we were to add a new modifier in front of NCT 127 what would be good? To the World. It’s our slogan too (laugh).

Translation: Alex @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: Grazia Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

[thebadpick]

The Fun Fact Approach to Nirvana

The first Nirvana song I heard was In Bloom, way back in my preteens. I listened to it once and got turned off by Kurt Cobain’s mumbly vocals mixed with grunts. Somewhere along the way to young adulthood I learned that Nirvana was considered an alt rock legend. I remember asking myself simply,

“Why?”

Naturally I delved down that rabbit hole. I listened to more Nirvana, and the very thing that turned me off became what I now love about Kurt’s music.

When I became tasked with profiling an artist, Kurt Cobain seemed like an obvious choice. The guy has so much written about him that you’d think he was Jesus. (he certainly had the hair nailed down) Yet, that quickly became a personal reason not to write about him. Kurt was such a voice for nonconformity that I kept wondering: How do I right by the story of such a tragic superstar?

By profiling him in such a way that has the potential to piss off my editor that’s how.

You and I are going to go through the spiritual journey of profiling Kurt Cobain through the lens of the biggest Nirvana fan I know, my little brother Spencer.

- Spencer rocking a Kurt Cobain haircut 

All my life he’s been chittering little fun facts at me about the band, particularly Kurt himself. I’ve asked him to send me a few of those facts to see if we can’t dissect them to try and frame the band in a way that hasn’t been done one hundred times over.

 Spencer’s Fun Fact Numero Uno: Smells Like Teen Spirit Is about a Deodorant

The first song by Nirvana that really got them into the eye of the public was Smells Like Teen Spirit in 1991. This was the first time a grunge band shot to the top of the charts and it was a proof of concept that grunge artists could make music good for the radio, without selling out their sound. However, a little-known fact is that the idea for the song came to Kurt from a friend when she said he smelled like teen spirit. Kurt was oblivious to the fact that this was a deodorant brand and she meant that he literally smelled like a teenage woman’s deodorant stick. He thought she was being profound and ran with it. After the song became immensely popular the sales for the Teen Spirit stick rose with it to the point where it became an entire hair care line.

 Spencer’s Fun Fact #2: Aqua Sea Foam Shame

When In Utero released in 1993 the track All Apologies left fans confused at some of the lyrics. One line in particular, spawned groups of fans that spent a little more time than they probably should have trying to decipher it, I take all the blame, Aqua seafoam shame.

When the Nevermind record blew up Kurt was notoriously guilty about it. He was quoted in interviews as feeling like he failed the grunge ethos. Some fans argued that this line referred to the aqua colored background on the Nevermind album cover. Others adamantly believe this is a nod to the aqua colored guitar he played with. The theory with the most support though is that Kurt made “throw-away” lines with no meaning. The lines are just catchy and sound good so he puts them in his songs. They would often come from one of his many poetry journals. While the idea that it’s nonsensical has the most support, I would like to think the line has actual meaning.

 Spencer’s Fun Fact Tree: Aberdeen Washington

Nirvana was formed in 1987 in the hometown of Kurt Cobain and Krist Novoselic (bassist), Aberdeen Washington. The Aberdeen community was very proud to be the place the notable band got its start. After Kurt’s tragic suicide, the town of Aberdeen changed their official slogan to “Come as You Are” after the second hit single from the Nevermind record of the same name.

Spencer’s Fun Fact Fower: You Know You’re Right

The last studio recorded song Nirvana recorded before Kurt’s death was You Know You’re Right. The song remained unreleased for a long time because Kris Novoselic and Dave Grohl (drummer) felt it would’ve been in bad taste to put it out. After a lengthy law suit with Kurt’s widow, Courtney Love, the song was released with their greatest hits CD. It did not reach the level of commercial success Courtney insisted it would. Personally, I love the song. It’s catchy and absolutely haunting.

 It’s hard to give legitimate credit to any one source because these are details my brother has gathered over years of being a die hard Nirvana fan. Some of them might not even be one hundred percent true. Looking back this whole thing almost reads entirely like a click-bait article, but what the hell. What better way to pay homage to a grunge band than by forgoing vetted sources?

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

The Problem with the Avengers

 I’ve been reading a lot of Avengers comics recently scattered throughout their history and whilst they often have enough superhero action to kill some time, rarely have I ever found myself that engaged by the stories. In truth I’ve felt that way about virtually every Avengers story I’ve ever read.

In contrast whenever my reading lists took me to a random X-Men or Fantastic Four comic book I found they made for simply better reading.

This got me thinking about how traditionally and even now with the enhanced status the Avengers have in the comic series still seems to generate less enthusiasm than a lot of it’s competition with the really major superhero teams out there.

I think the fundamental problem is that, unlike those other teams, the Avengers is sorely lacking in identity.

I define the major Marvel/DC superhero teams as the ones that have been around near consistently for at least 30ish years and have have bled into multiple forms of other mass media.

So we’re talking the Fantastic 4, the Justice League (regardless of whether it’s called the Super Friends, the JLA, etc), the X-Men (and it’s associated spin-offs, e.g. X-Force, X-Factor, New Mutants) and the Titans/Teen Titans and the Avengers.

Unlike the Avengers, each of those teams has one or more simple ideas and hooks that have, more often than not, defined them and given them a basic but concrete premise to fall back on that the audience can easily connect to.

The Justice League are the All-stars of the DC universe, the team with the truly iconic characters in it’s line up and/or the guys who are at least mainstays of the DC universe in some fashion and well known to comic book readers. They are also at times allegorical to Greco-Roman Gods, e.g. Superman = Zeus, Batman = Hades, Green Lantern = Apollo, etc.

The X-Men are allegories for persecuted minorities and those who face bigotry in some fashion, as well as at times being allegories for adolescence.

The Fantastic Four are a nuclear family of scientists and explorers.

The Teen Titans are the junior heroes, the next generation, a junior Justice League if you will and more often than not the sidekicks to the older iconic heroes.

The Titans are the above but all grown up, independent, a non-nuclear family and in essence the next generation on the cusp of becoming the what their mentors were.

Now the Avengers at face value also have an easily understood hook too. They’re Earth’s Mightiest Heroes right? They, like the Justice League, are the All-stars of the Marvel universe right? Sometimes they’re talked of as being loosely equivalents to the Knights of the Roundtable.

The problem is that in practice...this is mostly lip-service.

For sure IN-UNIVERSE most people look up to the Avengers or hold them in similar esteem that the DC citizens hold the Justice League.

But as far as the real life audience is concerned for most of the Avengers history they really weren’t the All-stars of the Marvel universe and that comparison to Arthurian legend is really more talked about outside the comics more than it ever was genuine text or subtext in the pages themselves.

Lets put the Avengers into historical context. When the team debuted in 1963, consisting of Thor, Iron Man, Hulk, Ant-Man and the Wasp, all of those characters were less than 2 years old.

And its a matter of historical record that they were neither the highest selling nor the most popular superhero books Marvel was putting out, Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four were.

Furthermore the Hulk’s solo title had earlier that year been cancelled and whilst the other Avengers were continuing to regularly appear every month it was in anthology titles where they were simply the main, but not solo, stars. Those titles weren’t even NAMED after those heroes. You had Tales of Suspense for Iron Man, Journey into Mystery for Thor and Tales to Astonish for Ant-Man and Wasp.

Were these guys REALLY Marvel’s mightiest heroes?*

No they really weren’t.

To be frank it seems more like Stan Lee et al were trying to make bank off of the innate appeal of crossing characters over and doing so by grouping together the less successful and less popular characters.

You could make a similar argument for the Justice League of course, except when they debuted most of their members had been around considerably longer and they had Wonder Woman as a mainstay with Superman and Batman at times dropping in too, their presence only increasing across the decades. Nowdays many fans feel its just not the Justice League without the Trinity of Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman.

Back to the Avengers, these characters were the revered all-stars of Marvel in name only, with the Hulk even leaving shortly afterwards, replaced by the probably more famous Captain America...who also didn’t have his own book at the time. Cap actually didn’t regularly appear in any title until around a year after his Avengers debut when he began starring alongside Iron Man.

Cap might’ve been a long established hero but even he wasn’t high profile enough to get his OWN solo-series. In fact when he finally did what really happened was he became the solo star of Tales of Suspense (renamed to Captain America) and IRON MAN got his first true solo-series**

To make the matter clearer when the Avengers went through their first major shakeup (less than TWO YEARS after the series began) the cast consisted of Cap (who was still sharing with Iron Man at this point), Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver.

The Avengers had now been reduced to one character who shared a title with another one and three former villains who’d NEVER had solo-stories before, who weren’t even appearing regularly anywhere outside of the Avengers title.

Creatively this wasn’t all that bad. After all one of the pitfalls of team books like Avengers or Justice League is that often the series is constrained by events happening in the characters’ solo books or the other way around. Like the, F4 Cap’s kooky quartet could grow and develop in the Avengers and the only place you could see that potential growth was IN the Avengers comic itself; Johnny and Ben’s bland and bad solo yarns in Strange Tales notwithstanding.

However Cap kooky quartet was yet more evidence of how the ‘Earth’s Mightiest Heroes’ was a cool slogan for the team and nothing more. They were a million miles away from being the Marvel All-stars they were treated or promoted as.

They were just ANOTHER Marvel team, more or less a home for miscellaneous Marvel heroes who were:

a)      Relatively Earthbound

b)      Not overly weird like Dr Strange

c)       Flashier than dude’s without costumes like Nick Fury

d)      Not already on teams

e)      Not independently popular/interesting like Spider-Man

 After all there is a reason so much of Iron Man and Cap’s histories are wrapped up with the Avengers titles and why most adaptations of the characters work in wider Marvel Universe elements. Its because those characters supporting casts and rogue galleries were not strong enough on their own to support their solo titles most of the time, so they essentially became Avengers satellite books.

 This miscellaneous aspect to the Avengers though gave rise to another interpretation of the team, that in fact part and parcel of the point of them was that ANY Marvel hero could join their ranks. In essence that the Avengers could be a grand crossroads of the Marvel universe where any and all characters could pop up.

 Its a nice sentiment but holds little water when you consider how the Avengers in-universe were typically treated as the premiere superhero team and how in practice many characters remained consistently out of their ranks. Even if we do swallow this line of thinking that simply means that the Avengers in being a team where anyone can join simply has no identity at all.

 The X-Men during Claremont’s iconic run had a similar sort of idea of constantly changing up the roster except that book had the fundamental mutant metaphor to hold the shifting characters together no matter what.

 When your team identity is that the identity can be anything your team hasn’t GOT an identity.

 And this problem with the Avengers (a lack of identity wrapped around a false claim of being the Marvel All-star line up) went on and on and on for DECADES!

 It got to the point where the X-Men, who in the Silver age FAILED compared to the Avengers, made good on their second chance and gradually grew in popularity until they clearly eclipsed every other Marvel team and by the 1990s eclipsed every other superhero team and book on the stands, exempting at times Spider-Man or Batman. In that decade anything with an X would sell whilst anything with an Avengers A was B-grade at best.

 Whilst the Avengers claimed to be Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and Marvels A-list heroes, Spider-Man and the X-Men actually WERE.

 In 2004 when Bendis created the New Avengers with the explicit intention of re-orientating the team to finally truly be the Marvel A-list squad it had always claimed to be it had 2 big problems.

 The first was that after 40 years and 500 issues the perception of the Avengers within the comic book community had become pretty entrenched. The second was that Bendis only slightly made good on this promise of reinvention.

 By which I mean he added Spider-Man and Wolverine (basically the Superman and Batman of Marvel as far as their popularity went) to the Avengers as mainstays and then kept Iron Man, Cap and added in B-listers Luke Cage and Jessica Drew and not even a B-lister the Sentry.

 To be clear I am not trying to insult Luke or Jessica but most people in 2004 didn’t know who they were and most who did didn’t care about him. they were added to raise their profile which is the exact opposite of what the book was claiming to do.

 Even now with both characters holding more prestige than they did back then, if you were making a truly All-star Marvel superhero team Luke Cage and Jessica Drew probably wouldn’t be on the squad considering neither has a movie.

 Whilst it’s true Bendis made New Avengers an unqualified success if you or I wrote a comic book with the two biggest Marvel characters in it hot on the heels of beloved and acclaimed movie appearances for both (which were sequels no less) of course it will sell like hot cakes.

 But that sales success has absolutely not lasted.

 Because again, the Avengers have no true identity as a superhero team, not even with the raised profile of the more traditional Avengers members afforded by their film appearances. At this point the failure of Iron Man’s popularity in wider pop culture to translate into much of an increase in comic sales is a bad joke. The fact is the comic book reading community still regards Iron Man as of lesser status than someone like Batman or Spider-Man or Wolverine and similarly the Avengers status as a team is still being hurt by the decades during which they were all sizzle and little steak.

 Ironically this effect has been mitigated in adaptations. In cartoons (like Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes) a fresh modern take on the Marvel universe was presented wherein the Avengers characters were among the first  and seemingly only heroes to inhabit that world (as far as the audience initially believed) essentially rendering them Earth’s Mightiest Heroes by default and free of the F4 or Spider-Man as a measuring stick could truly come off as All-stars. It also helped that the team membership was more consistent and a greater focus was placed upon their interpersonal relationships with one another, rendering them either a family or a kind of private little community of superheroes. Plus the show was as much an adaptation of the wider Marvel universe as it was Avengers stories, meaning often they could give focus episodes over to individual members to flesh them out.

 To n extent the same thing happened in the MCU although because the MUC established solo movies for most of the Avengers first it in essence raised the prestige of each character thus justifying their claim to the film Avengers being all-star players. Plus there was a certain glamour and energy afforded the first film from being a never before done experiment in crossing over so many properties, this then fuelling consequent movies like Infinity War.

 What’s ironic about all this is that the false interpretation of the Avengers being the Knights of the Roundtable is actually a way more fertile concept to build the Avengers team identity around and a more compelling hook to sell to the wider audience.

 You could retain the idea that, in-universe, they are the Marvel All-star line up, but in the true substance of the series loosely build the stories and characters more around moderinzed takes upon Arthurian legend and ideals of heroism. Much as the Justice League have at times served as loose allegories for the Greco-Roman Pantheon.

If you look at the original team of Avengers, plus Captain America and Hawkeye, they already fit into loose concepts of Medieval era knights anyway.

Cap is a soldier, in other words a modern day knight, who is the absolute ideal warrior (Lancelot) complete with a form of chainmail armour and a weapon distinctly from Ye Olden Days.

Iron Man has frequently been referred to as a modern day knight in shining armour because he literally wears armour.

Thor is a Viking whom, I’m not sure were exactly around during when Arthurian legend is supposed to happen but like...close enough.

Hulk is perhaps equivalent to a troll, a creature from Medieval fairy tales.

Hawkeye is of course an archer and a clear Robin Hood allegory (Robin Hood is also Medieval).

And you could say Ant-Man and Wasp are akin to pixies. And even if you think not Hank when Giant Man is obviously a fairy tale giant.

I’m not saying every character needs to be as exact as those, but it’s just something for the team to concretely hang their hat on rather than continuing to insist they are the best Marvel characters all in one team when they usually don’t even have Marvel’s most popular character with them!

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Croatia to Eurovision with a confused angel lad and his lowkey over-enthusiastic mentor

Yeah, well, I definitely have hoped for this nation to finally finally bring back Dora as their national selection, as I myself have never really felt their internal entries since they abandoned it (well maybe except Nina from 2012 but even then by now I grew out of it softly). Not even Nina from 2016 which was tipped as a huge fan fave (though I’m so sorry for it getting completely lambasted in Eurovision, especially because of the poor clothing choice and Nina’s warbly notes here and there).

And they did! After like what, 7 solid years??? After the last Dora ending out with a disastrous end result and spawned a person to (more) stardom who even qualified a couple years back and this year he’s there to be a songwriter for his home country because of the Eurovision 2019 slogan inspiring him???? Well... yeah that happened. With having fought 15 other participants made up of familiar faces, up and coming starlets, the already legendary divas or just some people, he won as a songwriter for this next target of my review - the target that is aptly titled “The Dream” and is performed by a 19 year old up-and-coming pop star, Roko Blažević. Yep, Jacques Houdek won a NF but not with himself singing. Man did his magic game get stronger over the years since Dora 2011.

And interestingly enough, Jacques’s wizardry comes in with him being capable of selling chanceless music as something worth buying into. How can that happen???

Well, to be frank with you all, this song is not that bad, unlike everyone thinks it is. It feels like a low-rent musical ballad, sure, but it's not terribly composed or anything... well, I know I usually hate on those songs that like using mostly not the "verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus", but there are plenty of songs that mess with that structure that usually just omit the last two components (radio pop music) or don’t even need one, and they sound great. Here we have the omission of the last two components that more reminds me of “Grande amore” (I am not saying they’re comparable but still), as in, slow ballad in the F minor (”The Dream” even slaps a keychange on) that tries to sound majestic/dramatic, not very much so to be intense, just something theatrical I s’pose. And has a little too little time for another full verse so they just go to a bridge (and "Grande amore" had two long pre-choruses too?!?). I don’t hate this one, if I had to make a 2019 ranking this instant I’d put this in Top 30 somehow.

So what is there to be found that puts people off? They cannot be hating on Roko’s voice, which is really great for a young man like him. (In fact, God forbid I say one bad word about him, because some specific one on Twitter will have a beatdown with me because I dissed her hubby... so I’ll keep my mouth shut about any qualities of his :X) I guess it consists of several factors: 1) the song sounds dated; 2) the lyrics, especially in that chorus (I DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE, YOU DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE~ lol I actually dream of hatred, hatred will prevail >:) ); 3) the vocal volume is loud at parts; 4) the song is English-Croatian and somehow it should be sung in Croatian just to hide away the hideous understandable lyrics. My personal caveats are: 1) the song is too plodding and it shows a lot in that chorus with Roko holding his long notes (can we get tothe point FASTER?!); 2) the chorus lacks productional depth and maybe with a slight revamp (given Jacques wouldn’t be so stubborn about it!) it could have sounded the right amount of dramatic. If anything, I am GRATEFUL that it sounds more palatable than "My Friend", as THAT one was a joyful of cringey clichés tbh. The cheese became rotten and smelly and the sudden violin lead-in into the bridge still creeps me out. Goddamn it Jaq.

Not to mention Mr. Houdek is soooooo optimistic about his song, he finds everything in it perfect enough to not change it! Not the melody, not the language decisions, not the wings (did I tell you Roko wore wings on his NF performance??) - no! Did someone not tell him that Eurovision is rapidly evolving and his fantasies of coming top 3 with this song just better stay fantasies? Oh wait, it's the same man who once sang "dare to dream and make it real", of course he's stuck to his guns like super glue. Can't blame him, there were worse songs in top 3 over the years. Still though, the wings is a stupid idea. There should be something else involved if Jacques wants a performance to be memorable. Roko can't just stand there and only do what he's told to do by his guardian songwriter - granted he has to behave but still...

In the end, how would I summarize this tl;dr? I am one of a handful of folks who find this alright. There's a bigger minority who outright adores the song but I'm just there that likes this and nothing much more, honestly. Everything's just alright. Guess I'm sometimes soft enough to accept cheese, huh. But seriously, the mentoring behind the scenes... it's creepy to say the least. I'm happy Roko's having a helluva good time at least.

Approval factor: Oh I don't know with this one, statistically we can just go ahead and... try approving this? I’m not a huge fan of Croatian entries this decade, at least Slovenia redeemed themselves in my eyes last minute with “Sebi”, while even in my Croatian faves (they mostly are “Nebo” and “Crazy”, and I maaaaaybe like “Lighthouse” a bit too actually?) I see some negative qualities that completely overwhelm my liking for them. But since I legally find “The Dream” okay, I give this one a bit of a pass.

Follow-up factor: Sadly this kind of choice feels to me as a steady divedown in overall quality of what Croatia usually offers us. Well the decline was always on since “My Friend” followed up “Lighthouse” I suppose, or it's just so happens that Croatia sent the duds on this decade only in odd years ("Celebrate" was fun but tragic trash, "Mižerja" was pleasant I guess but everything here was miserable from the beginning and everyone still doesn’t get why “My Friend” qualified and “Crazy” didn’t). I like it though.

Qualification factor: I’d like to believe that this one can borderline sneak the fuck in to the finals for no reason other than Jacques knowing how to work things in his favour. Yes, I’m not writing this off completely. Although I still see some parts where this wouldn’t work out, it’s actually not 100% doomed... if anything, I at least don’t see it coming last in semi easily! It’s not as LAME as Iceland last year was. And it too was a basic love-peace-dreams message inserted into an older-timey-sounding singalong ballad and was given for a young singer that has a helluva lot of potential later ASIDE Eurovision. That is if they don't pretend Eurovision "ruined [their] careers, njeh!", of course. At least Roko can SANG live and maybe it will happen again that a singer's voice will make this surprisngly qualify over the song? We'll see. For now Jacques should just stay focused on how to make Roko's angel wings (sigh...) more memorable on stage in case the voice is not qualifying but the gimmicks are.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

EMA 2019 at least had positive surprises all over for a NF this non-cared-about-by-me. Dora just... did not. Really. This NF did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise, and it even had SIX MORE SONGS than EMA!!! Crazy, huh?? But it’s okay, I can talk about the show to you if you want me to:

• From the Dora participants list announcement I was mostly excited to hear like two entries, and I'll mention both of them right away separately. And it's by two artists I've heard of before a lot! Though this first one kind of made me feel like I've been somewhat betrayed... enter Luka Nižetić who has got a nice vast catalogue of songs now - soft song(s), upbeat summer songs, and so on. And I kinda liked some of those songs of his I heard (if you're looking for recommendations, give "Vječno" a listen!), but “Brutalero”, his actual Dora 2019 entry was... on a whole different level. Dude, when was ripping off “Mi gente” ever useful?? It’s the year people were chasing after “Fuego” as the Latinesque bop to copy, not this! I hate it when people rehash annoying (but catchy) songs, and it’s certainly worse when they do it as their Eurovision NF entry. Brutal. And I actually remember hyping him before hearing the song, which is a bigger facepalm-worthy moment of mine. When will I ever learn?! ;( Thank God for the juries who served this song right. IDC if the revamp version of this made it any better, I’ll be fuming over this not being an inspired song. Oh and the comic book cartoon style made this brutally laughable to me, I said what I said. It might have entertained some kids though. So to summarise, Luka’s capable of having bops out, but “Brutalero” ain’t it, sis.

• Well guess what - Friendship ended with LUKA, Now MANNTRA is my best friend! Hell yeah lol. Did I tell you I like rock music so much? So I really foresaw kind of liking Manntra's song “In the Shadows” and rooting for them based on me knowing their name (just like Luka but oop), and in fact I really did root for them in the end! I wish I supported them more than Luka instead. They’re bangin’. They’re blazin’. They’re pure awesomeness. Their costumes. THAT BREAKDOWN. Magic. Should’ve won, and if them winning were any forbidden because Croatia is just refusing to accept stuff I’d stan for, at least come second. Screw Luka, screw Lorena. Bring the rock music back. ^^

• oh yeah and the others I guess. Well, if I had to recommend a few entries, here goes: if you’re nostalgic for old-timey early 2000′s bops (in the style of “Everyway That I Can”), you go and listen to the aforementioned Lorena Bućan‘s entry, “Tower of Babylon”. If you dreamed of one of the Femminem singers becoming a 60s retro artiste (actually you did not, that sounds very utter random), go check her project’s (Gelato Sisters) entry, “Back to That Swing”. If you’re here for THE QUEEN DOMENICA, go ahead, check out “Indigo”, the ultimate shopping mall background music anthem. My actual other favourite together with Manntra was Beta Sudar though, as “Don’t Give Up” as some really nice pop I guess. You see what I mean when I said that Dora this year did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise? Well ofc some songs were nice but that's all and too much 'just niceness' is slowly breaking me honestly. I would have gladly cancelled the NF and put Manntra through internally instead. Epic boys deserve an epic platform to showcase themselves, I don’t make the rules here.

Thankfully that's that out of the way, now I'm just going to wish this sweet little angel man all the best in Tel Aviv and not to be too upset if he flops. I know Jacques would be upset, but for that he shouldn't put Roko through a similar mind process also...

[skammovistarplus]

Culture and Translation - S01 E06

This is a bit of a weird episode, in that it feels like not much happened. Because Skam España switched a few things around, it seems like episode 6 shouldn’t be the episode in which to hang out with the characters for a while before shit goes down. But one thing that got me hooked to Skam almost straight away was the way you got to “hang out” with the characters even in small, drama-free moments, and this episode has a couple of clips I really like.

CLIP 1: Monday blues

Es que le metiste un corte (You were razor sharp with him): “Meter un corte” is really hard to translate. It basically means to be really cutting with someone when they aren’t expecting it, in a way that shuts the conversation for good. Which Amira did, over and over, but the dude wasn’t getting the hint.

I do think Nora feels a little bad for the guy, but only because Nora is extremely empathetic with everyone in the world, to the point where it’s surprising when she’s not empathetic.

Viri is a great liar. We will come to find out much of what she says in this scene is a lie, but she has no tells. This is why I think the Selena Gomez shoe line thing was Viri teasing the girls, because she broke character almost immediately. If Viri wanted the girls to believe it, we can see here that she would’ve managed.  

Nora’s shirt says, “No means no.” ‘No es no’ was first a slogan for an awareness campaign, promoted by several Spanish city halls, which aimed to curtail sexual abuse and rape during local festivals, such as Sanfermines. There’s also an Axel, Soledad song. And it has of course been slapped on all sorts of merchandise. Like shirts!

The sides of the mirror are tagged with graffiti, by the way.

And also, Eva and Nora are late for first period! They end up skipping it entirely.

CLIP 2: Lucas has feels; Eva’s are stronger

Eva and Lucas are listening to Molly Svrcina’s Fallen Angel. I think the point of the song was lost in how incredibly random the song is. This is a song Lucas recommends Eva listen to. It’s about Lucas, not Eva. Lucas is trying to give a hint to Eva about himself, but Eva’s too focused on the Jorge drama.

While this clip dropped during recess, Eva skipped school. Not sure if Lucas did as well, though.

It’s Viri who shares a birthday with Paris Jackson, as I already wrote in the post for last episode.

Alejandro Reina does a nice bit of acting with his eyes at the 5:22 mark. Lol, Lucas is so fucking tired of the Eva/Jorge drama carousel.    

Y tú me caes de puta madre (“And I think you’re fucking great”): Lucas is not just saying that he thinks Eva’s great. He’s saying he really fucking likes Eva (as a friend, that is!).

Es que sigo enfadada (“‘Cause I’m still upset”): This is a sentiment that will be expressed often this week by Eva, Jorge and Lucas. I’ve seen subs that translate it “enfadada” as “angry” and it’s not wrong, but I feel Eva and Jorge are both more upset than angry during this week. Your mileage may vary, though!

CLIP 3: Ship wars

Cullera: Cullera is a beach city in the Valencia region that has been taken over by tourists (or guiris, if you will!). There are some nice sights, but people visit for the beaches. Many Spanish familes own some sort of apartment by the beach, but Cullera is a step up from the usual, which is Torremolinos. A hint about Inés’ parents’ economic status! Cullera means “spoon” in Valencian language, by the way.

Easter break: The 2019 Easter break runs from the 12th of April to the 22th. Coincidentally, there are some rumors that s2 will premiere after Easter break 2019.

Tú no te líes, que el viaje importante es el de Mallorca, ¿eh? (Okay, but don’t lose sight of the important trip, the Majorca trip, huh?): A closer translation would be: “Don’t get sidetracked, the important trip is the Majorca trip, okay?” Which is actually a shorter line, so we should maybe change that, lol.

Que parezcamos ahí dos lapas como estas parejitas que están por ahí (For us to look like two barnacles like those couples you see everywhere): The literal translation would be, “for us to look like two barnacles like those couples that are around,” but that sounded like shade towards Eva and Jorge, who are also broken up this week. It’s not meant as shade, and in fact Eva has no reaction to it, so I reworked it.

Viri’s economic background is hinted through her confusion with job titles. In Spanish, she doesn’t remember if Alejandro’s father is a “director” (which could be translated as director, manager, and even principal, but also CEO) and “directivo” (executive or CEO). I settled for initials salad.

There is a bit of dialogue at the end that was cut from the episode version. The girls present their final arguments in the Viriandro vs Aleviri debate… which ironically, foreshadowed the Norandro vs Alenora shipname wars. It appears as if most of the fandom has settled on Norandro, at last.

Viri: It’s that, it’s like a Greek god.

Cris: What are you, Voldemort or something?

Viri: It’s like, it’s funny because it’s like a Greek god, like Viriandro is a Greek god sort of name. Yeah, it’s super neat.

Cris: It’s a gladiator name, dude!

Almost totally off topic linguistics note: The girls use the English loanword “ship” in the fandom sense. The verb had obviously crossed language lines in fandom spaces years ago, but it became part of mainstream Spanish culture (yes, really) when Operación Triunfo became big last year, and everyone was shipping couples from the show. The interesting part is that Spanish speakers came up with two declensions for the Spanish form of the verb: “yo lo shippeo” (I ship it) and “yo lo shippo” (again, I ship it). People who had been in fandom longer leaned towards “shippeo” (and so do I!), so I find it aesthetically pleasing that the girls favor that declension.  

CLIP 4: Eva shoots his shot. It doesn’t go well.

I was certain Jorge’s secret would have to do with one or both his parents being unemployed, so at the time I made note of the fact that one of the apartments he walks by is up for sale. It’s the reddish orange sign at the 10:06 mark.

The song that plays at the end of the clip is Zahara’s El Frío, but it has been edited. These are the lyrics that have made it to the clip: “I didn’t expect that the one who started all the fires would also be the one to put them out. How did you let the cold inside you, it has destroyed everything.”

CLIP 5: Speederman

This has to be a change from my high school years. I did the Cooper test in 3º ESO (the equivalent of 9th grade in the US) and never had to do it again through high school. 

More info on the Cooper test, in case you care. Not only was I not tested on a standard 400 m tartan track, but we were also not trained to perform it properly. Ah, high school PE!

Venom premiered in Spain the 5th of October. This clip dropped the 19th of October.

Yes, that is actually how we pronounce Spiderman in Spain.

I love that Nora is into Viri saying she loves anything that has to do with saving the world. Nora is so earnest, lol.

¿O qué vas a hacer, tía? ¿Quedarte en casa llorando? (“Or what do you have in mind, dude? Staying at home, crying?”): Another translation could be, “Or what are you going to do, dude? Stay at home and cry?” but I went with the line in the subs because I thought it flowed better.

Cómo jode que te dejen, ¿eh? (It sucks to be dumped, doesn’t it?): “Sucks” is a lot less charged than “joder,” which is the word Inés actually uses. I guess you’d have to say “fucking sucks” to get the intensity across. You’ll have to make do with Inés’ line delivery.

CLIP 6: Ride of the Valkyries

As it turns out, Alba Planas is also a fan of og Skam, so I’m going to pretend Eva’s string of sorries is also an homage to Tarjei’s delivery.

This scene was shot right outside of Cine Paz. 

Pero no me seáis pavas (“But don’t be silly”): Viri says “pavas,” which is hard to translate. Essentially, Viri’s afraid the girls are going to embarrass her in front of Alejandro, either unintentionally or (not unlikely given this group) intentionally. I.e. they’re not going to behave maturely in front of him.

Madre mía (Good heavens): Okay, so I already talked in the post for episode 5 about the way Amira uses interjections that aren’t swear words, and this is an example of it. “Madre mía” literally means “mother of mine” and it’s basically meaningless as an interjection. What matters is the tone you add to it. In this case, Amira’s impatient that the girls are getting distracted chatting about whatever, instead of going into the theater. I don’t love “good heavens” as it has Christian connotations. On the other hand, “geez” feels too short for how impatient Amira sounds.

It took me a while to realize this, but this clip actually has an og equivalent. This would be the clip where Vilde notices William and Sara hooking up, and looks devastated. Skam España chooses to go about it in a totally different way, with the girls backing Viri up as they walk in.

CLIP 7: Tout le monde veut devenir un cat

Sí, hija, sí (“Yeah, girl, yeah”): Jorge actually calls Eva “daughter,” lol. Much like with tío and tía, we might call anyone “son” or “daughter.” I’ve even caught myself using it on my own parents! If I have the right info, this is also common in Latin American countries, except they use “mijo” and “mija,” instead. “Hijo” or “hija” is more affectionate than “tío” or “tía,” although, much like with “madre mía,” it’s used to express a variety of emotions. Here, Jorge is dismayed that his chocolate romance went awry.

Pretty sure those are knockoff peanut M&Ms. Most likely from the Spanish grocery chain Mercadona.

The song that plays at the end of the clip and through the credits is Bely Basarte’s Mariposas. You can find a translation here. 

Tomás Aguilera, who plays Jorge, has managed to be almost impossible to find online. However, his instagram bio makes reference to the French version of the Aristocats song Everybody wants to be a cat. It’s adorable.

Social media:

The girls talk about the Zaorejas random again, Cris notes that he looked young enough as to be in ESO, or MSE, Mandatory Secondary Education. MSE runs through the equivalents of 7th to 10th grade in the US. 

[midsummersky]

(translated by midsummersky)

OOR magazine interview: Arctic Monkeys To the moon and back

Major Turner to ground control! From his Tranquility Base Hotel + Casino on the moon Alex Turner observes the digital human. He does that like no one else, the space cowboy from Sheffield. The sublime sixth album of Arctic Monkeys creeps up on the listener just as gracious as a feline predator. The sound is miles away from unruly, bouncy indie jewell Whatever People Say I Am That’s What I’m Not, the band’s debut record. A better reference would be Everything You’ve Come To Expect (2016), the second album of The Last Shadow Puppets. Turner’s side project happily flows into the waters of Arctic Monkeys. And vice versa. The one thing we’re absolutely sure of: as always, whenever that nifty Turner turns up, something peculiar is bound to happen. In the 11-song tracklist of Tranquility Base Hotel + Casino, one by one wonderfully melodic pieces, this magisterial word artist presents himself as the best writer of lyrics of his generation.

By Tom Engelshoeven // Photography: Zackery Michael

We’re not allowed to know anything beforehand. Not even the album title. Listening to the songs is allowed though. In a room of the Town Hall Hotel in London, a lady from Domino record company informs me that the new album has been recorded, mostly, in Paris and that Alex Turner is extremely involved in the production process. Then the 32-year-old singer enters the room in expensive designer clothing, including a military jacket carrying his name TURNER on the chest pocket. His shoulder-length hair is tied back in a short ponytail. And the goatee which has gotten an earful from the internet. You may think he’s lost his cool, but there’s little to notice about that in our conversation. In the hour that follows Sheffield’s most famous son, currently residing in Los Angeles, tries to carefully and accurately explain his thinking methods. In that attempt, he shows a pleasant kind of openness. He often loses his words, resulting in long quiet pauses in which he searches for the right way of explaining, yet there isn’t one second where I get the idea that he actually tells me everything he knows.

– So, France. In La Frette? Yeah, La Frette is the name of the studio, but also of the town, La Frette-sur-Seine.

Surprisingly enough the internet is buzzing with rumours. It was often said that you would be working at some mysterious location. You’d been spotted in Sheffield, but Paris had never been mentioned. It was a secret! I almost recorded a Shadow Puppets record in that studio, but we didn’t get to it. The producer had already come over to Los Angeles for a recording session, prior to this one. Now it was our turn to fly over to Europe.

You mean James Ford? Yes. I started writing and recording this album in my own little homestudio in LA. We took those recordings to a real studio where we continued working on them wth James and the rest of the band. In September we made our way to the studio in La Frette to really tie it all together and finish it.

How long did that take you altogether? About five weeks. In the first two weeks it was just us, the band, to rehearse everything. After that James Ford and some other friends came in to play as well. We all stayed in La Frette and only sometimes got out to spend a weekend in London. The previous Monkeys record we made in a very different way. Back then, we all lived in LA, spent the day in the studio and then went home in the evening. Obviously this time it was not like that. Back then, we were all in a town in the midst of farmlands in Lincolnshire. Doing everything together: getting up, having breakfast, dining out.

Did spending all that time together in La Frette result in a different kind of record from the one you had in mind at the start of recording? No, to be honest it didn’t change that much. I already did a lot before we started, so it didn’t deviate that much.

– If I had to find an adjective for this new record, it would be ‘elegant’. It’s not music that bangs on your door, but songs which creep up on you like predatory animals. That was exactly how I wanted it to sound. I can’t disagree with you, I can see how you’ve managed to draw that conclusion. I guess your next question is going to be ‘why’?

Maybe in contrast to your previous album? AM was heavily based on hiphop beats. The guitar really took up the spotlight back then, but this new record sounds much more like a piano record. A piano in an old nightclub with those red, velvet curtains. It’s good to hear you describe it like this. Maybe you’re even better at that than I am. But perhaps I can give an explanation for how we’ve gotten to this red, velvet carpet? Did you say a tapestry on a wall? I like the idea that this album sounds like a wall of velvet tapestry. Yeah, that’s rad. For the first time, I wrote everything on the piano. When I was young, I played a bit of piano before I got to the guitar. But to be honest with you, I was never that good at it. I remember getting that guitar for my 15th birthday, I slept with it in my bed that night. I was constantly busy noodling around on it. Such a relationship I’ve never had with the piano, but I was able to play a couple of chords. For the past couple of years, I’ve visited a lot of studios and spaces where there was a piano available. More and more often I sat down at them and when I turned 30 I got one from my manager, a good friend of mine: a Steinway Vertegrand.

You’re singing about it twice on this album, if I’m correct: ‘Back there by the baby grand’ in One Point Perspective, and ‘It stays between us, Steinway and his sons’ in album closer The Ultracheese. That’s right, suddenly that piano became the epicentre of my small room. And there I was. The more I was sitting there, the more my fingers slipped to various places. A kind of character was born in my head. That way I convinced myself to start writing songs again.

You became a piano man? Exactly.

– From the first two songs, Star Treatment and One Point Perspective, a character starts to grow. I’m wondering, are those songs perhaps about your future as a singer: a scenario that’s looming in the future? Once upon a time you used to be that extremely promising young lad, but on here you sound like an artist singing about his bygone days. It starts with looking back.

Yes, that excellent first line: ‘I just wanted to be one of the strokes’. That was really how I looked at it back then. Star Treatment was the very first song I wrote for this album. In that song, as I hear it these days, there is a lot of uncertainty. It’s almost a song about an attempt to write a song. I’m lost somewhere, no idea whereabout. I’m reflecting and suddenly thinking: ‘here I am right now, and long ago, I used to be there’. That theme and that tone, it reaches past this one song and continues on the whole record.

You just wanted to be one of The Strokes? You could explain that as not so respectful towards The Strokes, though that was absolutely the last thing I meant to say with it. I just told myself. Just two minutes ago, or so it feels like it, I was standing in the crowd for one of their gigs and I thought I wanted to be in a band. And now I’m here and searching for something to write about. That feels very confusing: what do I want to express? And when I’ll know, how the fuck am I going to say it? Without it sounding washy. That’s the puzzle which sparked writing Star Treatment. The title is, of course, a play on words with a two-sided meaning. In that time and place, I had already thought about what the album was gonna be called: The Tranquility Base Hotel + Casino. It’s a place on the moon. I fantasised about writing a commercial text for a hotel and casino on the moon. In that case ‘The Star Treatment’ would have been the ultimate slogan! I can already visualise the commercial in my head. I love those commercial visuals for hi-fi devices from the 70s. Highlighted just like that, accompanied by neon lettering. Yeah, if I had to create and advertisement for a hotel, I would definitely put ‘Star Treatment’ in there. But it also comes from a different place. 

My dad used to tell me, on evenings where the sky was really clear and we were outside together, how far away those stars were from us. I’ve hear him say that a hundred times. I thought it was so fascinating, again and again I asked him ‘tell me again!’. Then he would point out the brightest star and say: you’re not seeing the light of that star as it shines right now, but like it was many years ago. That light took all those years to reach your eyeball. And then he would explain how fast that light had travelled to blind me. It blew me mind.

Just like how one second you wanted to be one of The Strokes and then another you’re sitting here. To be honest, I still want to be one of the strokes.

That ‘golden boy’ who’s in bad shape you’re singing about on Star Treatment, that’s you then? That confused character who doesn’t know whether he’ll ever write again. Yeah, more or less. I believe I stole that ‘golden boy’ description from Leonard Cohen.

In One Point Perspective you’re also singing: ‘A singer must die’. Also from Cohen. That’s why I thought were singing about the future of a star or a singer. The unavoidable moment where he’s stuck in The Tower Of Song. I put that line by Cohen in the lyrics because he died in the week of the American elections. I don’t think we need to talk about the historic impact of those days. There was a real feeling of despair in the air, like: this is the beginning of the end. Everyone was so upset, scared of the future. And then to top it off, Leonard Cohen passed away! That’s the feeling I’m reporting on in the song, that the Apocalypse had become a priority. ‘A singer must die’ was the most beautiful way to work Cohen into the song without having to drop his name.

– If I had to view the album from a helicopter’s perspective… Drone! Haha, I really think drone recordings ruin everything. Every time I see an aerial shoot I just know it was a drone that did that. It’s just not cool. I’m sorry for interrupting, keep going.

… then I had to say this record is about the USA, about how computers and machines direct our lives, the language of the digital era and sir Trump. I have tried so hard to keep him out of this.

Well, there’s a song called Golden Trunks. Yes, he finds his ways to sneak in. He’s very skilled in that area. He’s getting enough air time as it is, and I didn’t want to grant him anymore. Now it’s just one verse that’s about him. But look, he’s even entered our conversation!

You’re singing: ‘Leader of the free world reminds you of a wrester wearing tight golden trunks’. And still, something kept me from confronting him. It’s become a sort of competition: who’s got the most witty way to say something extremely denigrating about him? That competition is absolutely going nowhere, except again it’s about him.

In that song Four Stars Out Of Five you’re observing how we’re constantly letting our lives be led by digital devices. Like, there’s a nice restaurant on the internet, oh Gosh four stars, we need to go there. You’re also singing about the digital age in The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip: ‘The exotic sound of data storage, nothing like it first thing in the morning / You push the button and we do the rest’. How the young and hip are being herded like sheep. And the words that help them: ‘start your free trial today’. Everything you just mentioned is so present in our daily lives, it’s impossible to ignore. I found it quite hard to dig up some poetry from that. It took me a while before I succeeded. The simple fact that I was writing about stars and science fiction has helped me. Science fiction is a recurring theme on this record.

One number is even called Science Fiction. You’re almost ridiculing that genre a little bit. Yeah. Namely because science fiction is really funny most of the time. I just can’t help it. It’s so fascinating to me how writers of sci-fi books keep making up new worlds to comment on their own worlds. Essentially, that’s wat happens most of the time. I realised I am partaking in this as well. You’re inventing this Moon Casino thing to be able to talk about Facebook. Not that I’m actually talking on Facebook.

Science fiction is easily outdated though. That’s something really amusing as well. On the news, everyone was raving on about 1948. Like, now it seems like it really is fucking 1948! It was so funny, I had to put it in Star Treatment. Everyone saying it’s fucking 1948. But a lot of the lyrics on this record are inspired by a book I read, Amusing Ourselves To Death by Neil Postman. I can’t remember when I first heard about it but when I read that title, I immediately thought: this is what you have to read in the modern age. Even though, it’s practically written when television was the most dominant factor in our lives. Postman argues how that time – but I think also ours – bears much more resemblance to Brave New World by Aldous Huxley than to 1948. Because in Brave New World people are letting themselves be molded by something they have called onto themselves and not by a power from outside, like in 1948. That was the point I wanted to make.

Something else I took form that book was the idea concept of the information-action ratio. Like, what actions are to be expected when people are being fed information. I read Amusing Ourselves To Death around the time of the presidential elections. Retroactively, I thill think of it as an interesting read. It really hit the bull’s-eye for me. In that time, I was fanatically keeping up with the news, I’m laying off that a bit for now.

According to our conversation, it appears as if you made a really politically-themed record but rather than that, you’re describing your life as of right now without really judging at all. Yes, I think it is really important to preserve a sense of discretion. Good writing stills are based on the ability to suggest. You don’t need to provide a roadmap, but you do need a sense of humour. That is important, yes.

I laughed out loud at the line ‘swamp monster with a hard-on for connectivity’ in Science Fiction. It reminded me of all those people working in IT who really do pay their bills with their ‘hard-ons for connectivity’. What’s also funny is that character from Batphone who introduces a perfume called Integrity. ‘I sell the fact that I can’t be bought’. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if one day I would drive past a billboard advertising a perfume called Integrity. It feels like it already exists in this world. The rest of the song just wrote itself.

One of the reasons it took you so long before this album was born, was because the other members of the band suddenly became fathers. You didn’t, obviously, but has that changed your view on the world? Has it changed you guys as a band? Yeah, because they need to take care of their kids now! The real scope of the impact is yet to be defined. Touring around when everyone has got families at home, it’s something we haven’t done yet. Well, no. Nick [O’Malley, bass] had a boy when we were still touring around with AM. All the other babies have been born after that. How it has influenced our life on the road, I wouldn’t know yet. I think they’re more capable of answering than I am. But parenthood has had absolutely no negative impacts on our spending time in the studio. We had a fantastic time. Because of all those family happenings we hadn’t seen each other as often as we would’ve liked. But there was a great lot of enthusiasm, energy and excitement when we were in France. It’s just that sometimes they were facetiming with their kids.

 – Your previous album was very much about lust from the perspective of someone at the end of his twenties. ‘I want that woman in my hotel room tonight!’ It’s the complete opposite of the baby monitor life of a young dad. A friend once told me: I’d love it if you wrote something else than ‘I love you, you love me, why’d you only call me when you’re high, blahblahblah’ for once. That was when I thought: I’d like try because I had never done that before. On our last Puppets record I detached myself from that image, it was already lessening. Not that shit anymore about a girl in a hotel room and I want to meet you. That’s how I got to the songs The Dream Synopsis and Sweet Dreams, TN. I’d never walked the road of love that far along. Maybe I even exaggerated on purpose. It caused a definite fracture with the past, which pleases me.

Lovesongs become cheese really quickly, that’s just the way it is. The closing number which is also about love, is called The Ultracheese and appears to not contain a single hint of irony. Is it hard for you to ignore the irony factor? Well, one of the many things Cohen teaches you is that he’s prepared to take time to deliver his message. The more songs you hear from him, the more you discover who he really is. It’s a large scala of oeuvre which makes that clear. Listening to his songs, but also his commentaries, has encouraged me to take my time. Not just in terms of working pace. You can also take the time to spread out your message over one whole record, or maybe even several records. A few nice punchlines here and there, that’s all right. But I don’t really feel that urge anymore to wrap all the things I have to say up in one short moment. This insight is relatively new to me.

How much of The Last Shadow Puppets has actually flowed on in this Arctic Monkeys record? The fundamental difference between both projects us that The Puppets are based on a partnership between me and Miles Kane. That’s the distinction, but lyrical-wise I’m less and less thinking about what project I’m writing for. Back in the days, it was very much like: now I’m doing The Puppets, then The Monkeys, then The Puppets and when that’s done, the Monkeys again. In the meantime, we’ve come to a point where AM somewhat started resembling the last Puppets record. I had already been working on the piano loop for Star Treatment when I was writing Everything You’ve Come To Expect. That was when it all started to become more intertwined.

There has been a lot of speculation about this new album, maybe causing a lot of pressure on you. Was that difficult for you to handle? That’s mainly part of a world I try not to stick my hands in. If I had heard anything about it, I might’ve been more worried. But I don’t really have any social media, so I’m not entirely conscious of it. I do feel that people have been looking forward to this record a lot because, since I’ve left the UK, people keep asking me: when is that record gonna come out? That level. But it’s not as if I’m looking at my phone every other minute.

Your girlfriend Taylor Bagley was trying to pick a fight with some fans, saying ‘he doesn’t do it for any of you cunts, he does it for himself’. Does that even reach you or not at all? No it doesn’t, I try to stay out of it on purpose. In any case, it doesn’t bother me with making music.

Is that maybe why you’ve thought up a hotel and casino? To escape everything? The idea to name a record after a place comes from how I feel about albums I really love. An album like that really is like a destination to reconnect with yourself. I so urgently wish I could rent an apartment on Dion’s Born To Be With You, an all-time favourite of mine. I’d pack my bags this instant and just leave for a while. I told you about that room with the piano in LA, right? At my place we call that room The Lunar Surface. It’s from that rumour how Stanley Kubrick just staged the whole moon landing in his basement. Every time I sat down to work on songs in my basement, I thought: he’s gonna come down to fake the moon landing any time now. That’s how the moon entered the story. And the calm, thanks to an Apollo mission.

Is Taylor a muse for you? For years now, you’ve surrounded yourself with models and great women. What kind of influence did those women have on your music? Is she my muse, you’re asking? Living together with Taylor brought stability to my life, giving me courage to talk about certain things on this record. It’s a conclusion a friend of mine came to when I played a couple of new songs for a few friends on the piano. He told me: your life is so much more stable than some years ago when you had AM. An understandable conclusion, but whether it’s the absolute truth and whether everything really is that black and white, I’m not sure of. Because songs are not always an exact depiction of how your world is at that moment. •

[tgc-mamamoo]

[TRANS] TenAsia 10+Star Magazine Interview with MAMAMOO

Q. You’re a group that has debuted 5 years.

Solar: It doesn’t feel real. It still feels like we have just debuted. Wherever we go, it seems like we are still the maknaes. So to say that it’s been 5 years… it sounds gross (everyone laughs)

Q. Let’s look back to last year. What’s the most memorable thing?

Wheein: First, as a group, our song “Yes I Am” has received so much love. Including myself, each member has also featured in songs, or released solo tracks or OSTs. Since we have showcased our own music, we hope they will become presents to our fans.

Hwasa: Holding our solo concert “Curtain Call”. We have performed in Seoul during March and Busan in August. The concert was a time when all the things Mamamoo has done bloom like flowers, so the meaning is different.

Solar: To me, our concert was the most memorable. The concert consists of all our joys and sorrows. Although we only perform for a few days, the time of preparation lasts for months. The moment the curtain rolled up, seeing thousands of moobongs (Mamamoo’s lightstick) in the audience, I became overwhelmed by the tough times we had while preparing. (laughs) In addition, thinking that there were that many people who came because of our music, it made me want to cry too. Our first MooMoo fanclub ceremony (Picnic Live) was also unforgettable. We were able to communicate with fans, play games, and spend time with them, so it was enjoyable.

Q. During your concert, you cried when your fans held up slogans saying “Never Letting Go”?

Solar: It’s a phrase with a story. It was during a public broadcast when we just debuted. Other than our fans, many fans of other singers were gathered there. In between, MooMoos prepared a slogan event for us with the phrase “Never Letting Go” written. At that moment, I was so touched that I cried. (laughs) Inspired by that, we eventually made a song with the title “Never Letting Go”. After years have passed when I saw this slogan again at our concert, all the times in between started flashing in my head which made me cry.

Hwasa: Whenever we perform, our fans make us touched like that. (laughs) Thanks to them, every moment spent with our fans [can be remembered] through events.

Q. A strong relationship with your fans can be seen.

Solar: During our early debut days, we didn’t receive much attention. So our fans are the ones who stand by our sides and watch us grow little by little. Hence, we try our best to communicate with them. We listen to their opinions and create opportunities to meet them often even when it’s small-scaled. We did fanmeetings and a pork belly party. (laughs) Because of that, we are able to build a thick relationship with our fans.

Q. You’ve been picked by many rookies’ as their role models lately. How do you feel?

All: Ey~ (Mamamoo, who did not believe this, repeatedly replied with ‘really’.)

Moonbyul: That’s because we haven’t heard about this in person… (laughs) It’s fascinating. Even for us, we have role models too. When we first debuted, whenever we met our role model sunbaes, my heart would tremble and think that “yes, I aspired to become a singer because of this sunbae”. Now that we have become a role model to our juniors, I am thankful and I feel great. I also feel the responsibility to do even better in the future.

Solar: I am grateful. It seems like a proof that we have successfully walked through the path we chose until now, so I am happy.

Q. Is there anything you would like to say to your juniors?

Hwasa: It feels embarrassing so I don’t know what to say. (laughs) I understand greatly the hearts of our juniors who have just started. I just want to tell them that they are already doing well enough right now.

Q. When you think of ‘Mamamoo’, you think of ‘the group who plays well on stage’.

Solar: Thank you for thinking of us like this. On the other hand, for as much of the expectations received, we feel just as burdened. We always worry by thinking about the need to show new performances on stage. But thanks to that, it seems like we are growing little by little.

Moonbyul: Hence, every day is a challenge to us. Since we have to prepare new adlibs for each performance, it feels like we are conducting missions. It is impossible to put down our nervousness.

Q. Thanks to your unique adlibs, you were invited to perform at the 37th and 38th Blue Dragon Film Awards.

Moonbyul: I was told that we are the first to be invited to perform for two years consecutively. It is an honour. When we appeared in 2016, we told ourselves to not make any mistakes; as for our second appearance, we had the burden to be funny with our adlibs so I was very nervous. (laughs)

Q. To create refreshing performances every time, how do you overcome the burden and pressure?

Wheein: There isn’t any ways other than sticking closely together as four. Nothing can be done to relieve the burden. The nervousness before going on stage has become a strength among us. (laughs) This might be off topic, but whenever we have individual schedules, that’s when the emptiness hits the hardest.

Solar: Instead, the nervousness helps us create an even better performance. The fans who smile while seeing us perform give us huge strength too. If we see that the fans enjoy it, we will also be able to enjoy ourselves even more.

Q. You have a very strong impression for being bright and lively, for which you are nicknamed as “beagle-dols”. Do you feel burdened by it?

Solar: We worry about it a lot. On TV, we give the impression that we are fun, we play well and fool around a lot. But in real life, we are all actually very shy.

Wheein: There are many people who are unfamiliar with our serious and quiet sides. Sometimes, I feel frustrated by it too. Wherever we go, if we act shy, people react by saying “Ey, you’re Mamamoo though?” If we are quiet, others ask if we are sick. (laughs) I became reluctant to meet new people too. However, since most people perceive us as bright and positive, I accept this gratefully as a whole.

Hwasa: This is a part of life that I must face. We cannot explain to everyone who we really are and what we will be doing.

Q. Compared to what you expected when you first debuted, how different is it with your current state?

Moonbyul: Until now, we have been following what we pictured from the start. But of course, we have been hit with unexpected difficulties too. I’ve been accused for “being a singer just to hear certain words”… Because of these exaggerations, I wonder to what extent I can match myself to the colour we wished for.

Q. What was hard for you?

Moonbyul: When we first debuted, I have received a lot of misunderstandings. When we were trainees, we received trainings where we could actively voice out our opinions. Whether it’s related to music or outfits, we have personally participated in them. However, it is not the case outside of our company. As a rookie, it is difficult to spread your own voice. At the beginning, we’ve heard that we were ‘arrogant’. Right now, many people understand us more. In order to produce better results, I do not plan to stop expressing my ideas.

Q. RBW CEO Kim Do Hoon once mentioned, “Mamamoo will not stick to being ‘idols who only play well’.”

Wheein: This is similar to what we believe in. We are loved for having a fun and bright image. But now, we wish to appeal further in terms of music. Because we are people who will be doing music for a long time, we wish to naturally show you our transformation as it is. Hence, our upcoming year is very important. Compared to the past, I want to show you our certain growth in music.

Q. You must worry a lot about the new music coming up.

Wheein: It is now our assignment to not lose our trendy sense while trying out different genres of music. What I hope for Mamamoo is to develop into a high-class and refined team.

Moonbyul: It is not as straightforward as saying that we want to change our images. Having sudden changes might create antipathy instead. Whether as a team or as solos, we must show our diverse sides step by step through various routes and contents, until we are able to proudly say “This is Mamamoo.” Nethertheless, because the standards of people have risen, I’ve become more distressed. (laughs)

Q. Solar has featured in Super Junior’s song “Charm of Life”.

Solar: The fact that the sunbaes invited me to do this is already an honour, and it was fun recording it. The gags from the song seem to match well, so it was enjoyable.

Q. Moonbyul has released a solo track “Love & Hate” on your mini album ‘Purple’ - a song with different colours from the team.

Moonbyul: I was not a rapper originally, but my position changed as I joined the team. I wanted to showcase my vocals through the song “Love & Hate”. I performed this first at our concert. Because of the good reactions from fans, we decided to include it on the album. In the future, I plan to release more R&B hip hop music like “Love & Hate”.

Q. Hwasa has released a parody cover of Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” called “Pink Panties” in the beginning since debut, and has received hot reactions. When will we be greeted with a solo track similar to this?

Hwasa: I have been consistently working on songs. But I’m not sure if there will be a song as creative as “Pink Panties”… (laughs)

Q. Wheein has participated in various featurings from Jungkey to Super Junior’s Heechul. What’s your secret to getting endless love calls?

Wheein: Do I have to say it with my own mouth? (laughs) During my trainee days, I worried a lot because of my voice. I thought it was too typical. At that time, our CEO told me I had a voice that could digest any kinds of genre, that I shouldn’t dwell myself in a slump because of this. Yet, I still couldn’t be completely satisfied with myself. Now, I finally understand what my CEO said to me. My voice has now become a strength that I hold only.

Moonbyul: Wheein normally listens to a lot of songs regardless of their genres. Therefore, she was able to develop a voice that fits various genres. Last year, Jungkey’s song “Anymore” that Wheein featured in has even won 1st on SBS Inkigayo. I was so surprised when I watched it on TV. Our baby was out there alone winning first, so I felt very proud. She was also the first within Mamamoo to ever win first on her own, so I was very proud of her. (laughs)

Q. You held showcases in Japan and Taiwan last year. How was the reaction of the locals there?

Wheein: To be honest, I couldn’t comprehend the amount of love we receive overseas at all. Since we have seen it first hand, I now realize that there are many fans who love us. Crossing country borders, I am really curious as to why they even like us. It is fascinating. (laughs)

Moonbyul: It was amazing. Even though our languages are different, I find it funny when they all understand our adlibs. Thanks to them, I have gained a lot of energy. If we are given the chance, I wish to visit more countries in the future.

Q. What dream do you wish to fulfill next year?

Moonbyul: World tour. This is my first time saying this since debut… but when I was in middle school, my dream was to become a “world star”. (everyone laughs) Through concerts, I hope our music can be heard by many.

Solar: First in general, I wish to do different kinds of music and achieve another year with more growth. Specifically, just like what Moonbyul said, I want to hold concerts more often. I want to hear people say “Mamamoo’s concerts are a must-go concert”.

Hwasa: It’s our 5th year now, so I hope it will be a year where our members can each showcase a lot of our own skills.

Wheein: I hope that Mamamoo as a team, and each member as artists, will be able to grasp their positions. I would also like to widen my promotions in various fields.

#PLUS #QUESTIONS

Solar

What are your new year’s resolutions?

To live diligently! I have worked hard last year too, but there are also things I regret and feel sorry about. This year, without any regrets, I will try to live diligently.

What does your remake project “Solar Emotions” mean to you?

A project with songs that I love, songs that mean a lot to me which I want to sing them again.

What other songs do you wish to remake through “Solar Emotions”?

There is a lot really. The song that came to my mind now is the late Kim Gwang Suk’s “Around Thirty”. It’s a song I really liked. I wish to sing it someday.

As a leader, when are you most thankful to your members?

Since trainee days, we’ve been together for almost 8 years. From then to now, I am always thankful that they trusted and followed me all this time.

Moonbyul

What are your new year’s resolutions?

To open my mind! I will be 27 years old now. All these times, I’ve developed habits and created a mold for myself. In the coming year, I wish to break the mold little by little.

To the “King of Search” Moonbyul, what does “search” mean to you?

Whenever I perform at events or appear on broadcasts, I get curious about our fans’ reactions, so I’ve started searching them up. Through that, I have now learned new words and slangs as well. It’s interesting so I’ve been monitoring well. (laughs)

What is the most interesting slang these days?

“제곧내”. At first, I thought it means “I will come down soon”. (laughs) But as I found out, it actually means “the title says it all”. (To all the staff around) Don’t you find this really eccentric?

What does “Girl Crush” mean to you?

A word that made me known to the world? It doesn’t only mean “a cool female who makes other females fall for her”. There is a burden and responsibility that comes with being a naturally cool woman.

Wheein

What are your new year’s resolutions?

To put my thoughts into action and achieve them! I am at the state where my sense of achievement is dry. (laughs) Hence, there are times when I feel bored. Even for a bit, if there is something that interests me, I want to try it out and experience the enjoyment through it.

What interests you these days?

I want to learn an instrument. First, I’d like to learn how to play the guitar… I want to get my own studio too. It is my dream to be able to make music and also draw at such place.

What do you want to draw?

Things related to music? Without the restrictions of a genre or subject, I want to draw freely and combine it with music. For this, I want to be able to go to exhibitions often too.

Who is your favourite artist (painter)?

Jean-Michel Basquiat (1960.12.22 - 1988.8.12). His works still look trendy even now. They are known to be colourful and vivid. I was deeply impressed by him.

Hwasa

What are your new year’s resolutions?

To take better care of my health! Before, my goal has always been to work hard in everything. But now, I get sick at times when I shouldn’t be, so I’ve realized the importance of my health. (laughs) I hope my members will all take good care of their healths as well.

You’ve been loved for having strong makeup on. What makeup tips do you have for the new year?

Point makeup! The basic eyeliner stands out from the colour of your lips. I am the type who puts on red lipsticks to match the light pink eyeliners.

What is it like living as the maknae in Mamamoo?

A non-maknae-like… luxurious life? I’ve been living without feeling like the maknae. (laughs)

When are you most thankful to your members?

When they send text messages to my parents to ask how they've been. I am most thankful when they treat them like their own parents.

trans by tgc. (@tgcnim) - please take trans out with full credits.

Magazine photo credit @wheeinasmile