#i did it fast the other day and just note their url didn’t think this app were ass and deleted them for fun 🙄

[yoohyeon]

Here’s the various spreadsheet of vetted gfm :

Gaza vetters : list

(not sure what is happening 100% but they vetted a lot of these campaigns so I will still mention them and you decide if you donate or not but I believe in the fvndraisers )

Olive Branch : list

Gaza evacuation : list

Bees and watermelon : list

Trusted : list

Butterfly effect : list

Other post of fvnraisers in the here! | I’m also at @/juvian, I will not answer asks so send them to @/yoohyeon, but I will share on both

Here’s some people that who reach out to me (as of November 19th 2024) :

@nyballalser : vetted by Gaza vetters #66 - 2 736€ / 50 000€

@family-emtithal : vetted by Gaza evacuations - 7 195€ / 50 000€

@ayman-waleed / @waleedalanqar : vetted by Gaza vetters #107 - 2 494€ / 20 000€

@alaa-gaza9 : vetted by association - 23 490$ USD / 30 000$ USD

@yazan-famillly : vetted by association - 18 098€ / 50 000€

@khismael / @mariamismael292 : vetted by Gaza vetters #292 - 501$ / 30 000$

@almasrady : vetted by 90-ghost - ???£ / 20 000£

@maha-sh18 : vetted by Gaza vetters #166 - 1 211$ USD / 25 000$ USD

@heelsali90 : vetted by Gaza vetters #133 - 3 902€ / 100 000€

@savealsaidifamily : vetted by association - 2 305£ / 30 000€

@jaber-dah : vetted by 90-ghost - 429€ / 20 000€

PLEASE REBLOG ! And donate if you can !

[baeddel]

Please. Please can you tell me what a baeddel is and why people (terfs?) used it in a derogatory manner on this website for a hot minute but now no one ever uses it at all

you asked for it, fucker

[2k words; philology and drama]

baeddel is an Old English word. i have no idea where it actually occurs in the Old English written corpus, but it occurs in a few placenames. its diminuitive form, baedling, is much better documented. it appears in the (untranslated) Canons of Theodore, a penitential handbook, a sort of guidebook for priests offering advice on what penances should be recommended for which sins. in a passage devoted to sexual transgressions it gives the penances suggested for a man who sleeps with a woman, a man who sleeps with another man, and then a man who sleeps with a baedling. so you have this construction of a baedling as something other than a man or a woman. and then it gives the penance for a baedling who sleeps with another baedling (a ludicrous one-year fast). then, by way of an explaination, Theodore delivers us one of the most enigmatic phrases in the Old English corpus: "for she is soft, like an adulturess."

the -ling suffix in baedling is masculine. but Theodore uses feminine pronouns and suffixes to describe baedlings. as we said, it's also used separately from male and female. but it's also used separately from their words for intersex and it never appears in this context. all of this means that you have this word that denotes a subject who is, as Christopher Monk put it, "of problematic gender." interested historians have typically interpreted it as referring to some category of homosexual male, such as Wayne R. Dines in his two-volume Encyclopedia of Homosexuality who discusses it in the context of an Old English glossary which works a bit like an Old English-Latin dictionary, giving Old English words and their Latin counterparts. the Latin words the Anglo-Saxon lexicographer chose to correspond with baedling were effeminatus and mollis, and Lang concludes that it refers to an "effeminate homosexual" (pg 60, Anglo Saxon). this same glossary gives as an Old English synonym the word waepenwifstere which literally means "woman with a penis," and which Dines gives the approximate translation (hold on tight) male wife.

R. D. Fulk, a philologist and medievalist, made a separate analysis of the term in his study on the Canons of Theodore 'Male Homoeroticism in the Old English Canons of Theodore', collected in Sex and Sexuality in Medieval England, 2004. he analysed it as a 'sexual category' (sexual as in sexuality), owing to the context of sexual transgressions in the Canons. he decides that it refers to a man who bottoms in sexual relationships with another man. i don't have the article on hand so i'm not sure what his reasoning was, but this seems obviously inadequate given what we know from the glossary described by Dines. Latin has a word for bottom, pathica, and the lexicographer did not use this in their translation, preferring words that emphasized the baedling's femininity like effeminatus, and doesn't address the sexual context at all. Dines, however, only reading this glossary, seems to decide that it refers to a type of male homosexual too hastily, considering the Canons explicitly treat them separately. both Dines and Fulk immediately reduce the baedling to a subcategory of homosexual when neither of the sources to hand actually do so themselves.

by now it should be obvious why, seven or so years ago, we interpreted it as an equivalent to trans woman. I mean come on - a woman with a penis! these days I tend to add a bit of a caution to this understanding, which is that trans woman is the translation of baedling which seems most adequate to us, just as baedling was the translation of effeminatus that seemed most adequate to our lexicographer. but the term cannot translate perfectly; its sense was derived from some minimal context; a legal context, a doctrinal context, and so forth... the way Anglo-Saxons understood sex/gender is complicated but it has been argued that they had a 'one sex model' and didn't regard men and women as biologically separate types, which is obviously quite different from the sexual model accepted today; in any case they didn't have access to the karyotype and so on. the basic categories they used to understand gender and sexuality were different from ours. in particular, Hirschfield et al. should be understood as a particularly revolutionary moment in the genealogy of transsexuality; the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft essentially invented the concept of the 'sex change', the 'transition', conceived as a biological passage from one sex to the other. even in other contexts where (forgive me) #girlslikeus changed their bodies in some way, like the castration of the priestesses of Cybele, or those belonging to the various historical societies which we believe used premarin for feminization [disputed; see this post], there is no record that they were ever considered men at any stage or had some kind of male biology that preceded their 'gender identity.' the concept of the trans woman requires the minimal context of the coercive assignment at birth and its subsequent (civil and bio-technological) rejection. i have never encountered evidence that this has ever been true in any previous society. nonetheless, these societies still had gendered relations, and essentially wherever we find these gendered relations we also find some subject which is omitted or for whom it has been necessary to note exceptions. what is of chief interest to us is not so much that there was such a subject here or there in history (and whatever propagandistic uses this fact might have), but understanding why these regularities exist.

a very parsimonious explanation is that gender is a biological reality, and there is some particular biological subject which a whole host of words have been conjured to denote. if this were the case then we would expect that, no matter what gender/sexual system we encounter in a given society, it will inevitably find some linguistic expression. if, like me, you find this idea revolting, then you should busy yourself trying to come up with an alternative explanation which is not just plausible, but more plausible. my best guesses are outside the scope of this answer...

anyway, all of this must be very interesting to the five or six people invested in the confluence of philology and gender studies. but why on earth did it become so widely used, in so many strange and unusual contexts, in the 2010s? we're very sorry, but yes, it's our fault. you see apart from all of this, there is also a little piece of information which goes along with the word baeddel, which is that it's the root of the Modern English word bad. by way of, no less, the word baedan, 'to defile'. how this defiled historical subject came to bear responsibility for everything bad to English-speakers doesn't seem to be known from linguistic evidence. however, it makes for a very pithy little remark on transmisogyny. my dear friend [REDACTED] made a playful little post making this point and, good Lord, had we only known...

it went like this. its such a funny little idea that we all start changing our urls to include the word baeddel. in those days it was common to make puns with your url (we always did halloween and christmas ones); i was baeddelaire, a play on the French poet Baudelaire. while we all still had these urls a series of events which everyone would like to forget happened, and we became Enemies of Everyone in the Whole World. because of the url thing people started to call us "the baeddels." then there was "a cult" called "the baeddels" and so forth. this cult had various infamies attatched to it and a constellation of indefensible political positions. ultimately we faced a metric fucking shit ton of harassment, including, for some of my friends, really serious and bad irl harassment that had long-term bad awful consequences relating to stable housing and physical safety and i basically never want to talk about that part of my life ever again. and i never have to, because i've come to realize that for most people, when they use the word baeddel, they don't know about that stuff. it doesn't mean that anymore.

so what does it mean? you'll see it in a few contexts. TERFs do use it, as you guessed. i am not quite sure what they really mean by it and how it differs from other TERF barbs. i think being a baeddel invovles being politically active or at least having a political consciousness, but in a way thats distinct from just any 'TRA' or trans activist. so perhaps 'militant' trans women, but perhaps also just any trans woman with any opinions at all. how this was transmitted from tumblr/west coast tranny drama to TERF vocabulary i have no idea. but you will also find - or, could have found a few years ago - i would say 'copycat' groups who didn't know us or what we believed but heard the rumours, and established their own (generously) organizations (usually facebook groups) dedicated to putting those principles into practice. they considered themselves trans lesbian separatists and did things like doxx and harass trans women who dated cafabs. if you don't know about this, yes, there really were such groups. they mostly collapsed and disappeared because they were evildoers who based their ideology on a caricature. i knew a black trans woman who was treated very badly by one of these groups, for predictable reasons. so long-time readers: if you see people talking about their bad experiences with 'baeddels', you can't necessarily relate it to the 2014 context and assume they're carrying around old baggage. there are other dreams in the nightmare.

the most common way you'll see it today, in my experience, is in this form: people will say that it was a "slur" for trans women. they might bring up that it's the root of the word bad, and they might even think that you shouldn't use the word bad because of it, or that you shouldn't use the word baeddel because it's a slur. all of this is a silly game of internet telephone and not worth addressing. except to say that it's by no means clear that baeddel, or baedling, were slurs, or even insulting at all. while Theodore doesn't provide us with a description of how we can have sex with a baedling without sinning, and it may be the case that any sexual relations with a baedling was considered sinful, sexuality-based transgressions were not taken all that seriously in those days. there was a period where homosexuality within the Church was almost sanctioned, and it wasn't until much later that homosexuality became so harshly proscribed, to the extent that it was thought to represent a threat to society, etc. and as i mentioned, there are places in England named after baedlings. there is a little parish near Kent which is called Badlesmere, Baeddel's Lake, which was recorded in the Anglo-Saxon Domesday Book (as having a lord, a handful of villagers and a few slaves; perhaps only one or two households). it's not unheard of, but i just don't know very many places called Faggot Town or some such. it's possible that baedlings had some role in Anglo-Saxon society which we are not aware of; it could even have been a prestigious one, as it was in other societies. there is just no evidence other than a couple of passing references in the literature and we'll probably never have a complete picture.

[meltwonu]

| 🍒 CH-CH-CHERRY BOMB! 🍒 |     [CHAPTER 8]

pairing; dom!seungcheol x camgirl!reader

this chapter’s notes; camshow, sex toys, dom!seungcheol, blowjob, cumplay, overstimulation, minor degradation/dirty talk, big dick seungcheol is in the house ladies ‘n gents, what we’ve all been waiting for!!! 😩💕 this was actually meant to be a shorter chapter which I guess depending on how you look at 5k words I guess that can be seen as short!!, anyway thank you so much for your patience 🥺 I know a ton of you were waiting for this and it’s finally here!! hehe~ enjoy! have a great weekend!! 🍒 

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - ? 

“Well… It’s not much but welcome home for the next few days.”

Seungcheol helps you into his studio apartment; setting your things by the bed before turning to you.

“So, I take it the cat isn’t real then, huh?” You joke, plopping down onto the sofa. He shoots you a sheepish smile when he sits on the other end, cheeks blooming crimson.

“Uh… no, sorry... If there’s anything I lied about, it was definitely only the cat.”

The two of you share a laugh as you look around the apartment, noting the cookbooks on the kitchen countertop and the extensive PC setup on his desk. “Oh, I should show you around. I mean, it’s not much, but I figure I should let you know where everything is.”

You nod, getting up as Seungcheol starts showing you around the place. He shows you to the bathroom, lets you know where he keeps all of his snacks and even pauses to give you the wi-fi password. You follow him around the place, remarking that it seemed more homey and lived-in than your space did.

“I mean, it’s not much, but it’s comfy. I even tried to be a plant dad but I forgot to water them so that didn’t really work out.”

“Maybe just buy the fake ones for aesthetic purposes, y’know? Give it a greenhouse vibe.”

Seungcheol nods; chuckling as he brings you back to the living space. “Okay, I should go get the things from ‘Guk before it gets any later. And you have a show to do tomorrow too so we should definitely setup once I get back.” He makes sure he has all of his things, keys jingling in his hold as he makes his way to the door.

“Do you need anything else while I’m out? I’ll probably be about 45 minutes, give or take an hour if I catch traffic.”

You shake your head ‘no’ in response, walking up to him. “Just drive safe~” Waving, you wait until the door lock falls into place before you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

In truth, you’d never stopped thinking about the video you had uploaded hours earlier. It had lingered at the back of your head the entire day despite Seungcheol’s valiant efforts to keep your mind off of the entire thing. 

It was the first time you were alone all day and you were finally ready to face the repercussions of your actions, should they have gone sour.

Sitting on the sofa, you unlock your phone before hesitantly opening a web browser and typing in the URL for the camming website. Taking a deep breath, you login, already nervous when the browser lags due to the amount of notifications.

Your eyes quickly flit across the multitude of comments; cheeks hot as your fingers go numb.

“Oh my god…”

Seungcheol gets an earful once he gets the equipment from Jeongguk’s place; the younger male’s smug face ingrained in Seungcheol’s head even when he gets back to the apartment in record speed.

It takes him a bit of trapezing to get everything in one go, cables spilling out of the box that Jeongguk haphazardly put together, but Seungcheol manages to get the door open.

“Oh my god, ‘Cheol, there you are! Please hurry, come look at this!”

He quickly drags in the box, kicking the door shut before hurriedly jogging over to the sofa where you sat with your laptop. “I--I… I don’t know what to say, I’m just…” You quickly turn the screen to let him read the comments, a wide and giddy smile on your face.

‘Whoa… this is amazing…’

‘Wait who’s the guy???’

‘Please please more content like this’

‘Fuck you sound so good begging for daddy like this…’

‘In public? Such a naughty girl… but daddy will give it to you since you asked so nicely…’

‘Shit you really do look good getting fucked like this… better than your toys tbh’

“Whoa…” Seungcheol breathes out, scrolling through the rest as he sits next to you. “It seems like it did pretty damn well, huh?” You nod feverishly, leaning over him as you click on the video’s revenue page.

“‘Cheol look at this… The donations and revenue from this video alone... I--It’s… it’s more than I get in some of my live shows…” You trail off, wide eyes meeting Seungcheol’s equally shocked face.

The two of you sit in silence for a moment; various thoughts running through your head at the possibilities.

Seungcheol fares no different, already feeling the atmosphere change when you place the laptop on the coffee table.

“Seungcheol…” He can only chuckle in response, already knowing the next words that would spill from your lips.

“Let me take a wild guess… You want to film more like this?”

Nodding, you lean in close to him, wrapping your own arms around his as you rest your head on his shoulder. “I know we kinda… agreed to not get intimate so fast and--and I think we have a lot we need to talk about but ‘Cheol… I--I don’t want to beg but… Would you? Film some videos with me, I mean? They don’t have to be, like, both of us, they can just be from your POV and we don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with doing on camera!”

He bites the inside of his cheek as he stares off into the living room. “How about this… Let’s set up, since you have a show to do tomorrow. And then Tuesday morning before I head to work, we can talk about it. I’m not saying no, I’m just… there’s some ground rules I think we need to put down first. Hard limits, things we’re okay with filming… Y’know, just, what we’re comfortable with.”

“Okay, yeah! That makes total and complete sense~” You open your mouth to speak again, only a small squeak coming out instead. “Hmm? Something the matter?”

“Just… Thank you. For everything. I really didn’t expect this to do as well as it did and--and just, I guess I’m in shock?” You laugh, pulling away from Seungcheol as he stares down at you. “And to be honest… I mean, it’s not like we haven’t thought about each other, right?”

Seungcheol feels his body getting warmer by the passing second; gulping when he understands what you mean. “Y-yeah, it’s just.. Hah, I guess I thought I’d have more time to woo you over.”

Letting out an airy laugh, you stand from the sofa and make your way towards the momentarily forgotten box of equipment; dragging it towards the bed before you sit on the floor next to it. “You have plenty of time to do that~ And anyway, who says I’m not already woo’d over?” You place a ring light down by your side just as Seungcheol sits on the bed, watching as you go through the items.

“Wow, Jeongguk sure has a lot of really nice equipment in here! Are you sure it’s okay we borrowed it?”

“Yeah, he’s a bit of a nerd for video equipment and I’m pretty sure as long as we don’t break anything we’re good.”

It only takes about 35 minutes and Seungcheol stepping on an outlet plug to finish setting up all the lighting equipment and camera as you and Seungcheol finally plop down onto the bed.

“Jeez, I never realized how convoluted it was to set up a few ring lights and one camera. I don’t want to see another cable for at least 50 years.” Seungcheol jokes; wiping a bead of sweat that trickles down his temple. “Is this how it’s set up at your place?”

“Mmhmm~ All the time. It’s like I’m never really ‘offline’.”

He stands from the bed a second later, walking to the fridge to get some water for the two of you. “Really? You don’t ever put the equipment away?”

You sigh softly, flopping onto your back onto the cold sheets. “In a perfect world I would, but it gets really annoying to always take down and put everything back up so I usually kind of just leave them in their places. But it’s fine ‘cause it’s only me anyway and I’m lazy~”

Seungcheol laughs as he places a glass of water next to the bed. “I guess that’s fair. I’d probably do the same.” You get comfy on his bed; eyes already threatening to slide shut.

“We should probably get some sleep, huh? I have work in the morning…” He mumbles, watching as you already seem to drift off into sleep.

“Mmhmm~”

Seungcheol’s bed is comfy.

So comfy that you barely register him leaning down to let you know that he’d be leaving for work. And so comfy that you spend most of your day in it until he gets back.

“Honey, I’m home~” He singsongs; kicking his shoes off at the door before making his way into the kitchen. “I grabbed some takeout on the way back, hope you don’t mind. My cookbooks came in a while ago, but to be honest, I’ve barely even looked at ‘em, much less even opened them up.”

“I don’t mind~ And thank you!”

The two of you set up in the living space, placing the food on the coffee table and easing onto the rug. “So how was work, darling~?”

Seungcheol chokes on a bite of food in an instant, hand on his chest as he tries to swallow it down. “Urgh, f-fine!” He pauses as he clears his airway. “Jeongguk really won’t let me live it down but it’s okay. He asked what you saw in me and that killed my ego a bit.” He snorts.

“Pfft, there’s a lot to like about you! He just doesn’t see ‘that’ side of you, y’know?” Seungcheol blushes, clearing his throat before trying to change the subject. “How was your day? Hope it wasn’t too boring?”

“Mmm~ Not really... Your bed is really comfy though! I didn’t wanna leave it~ Oh! And I spent some time brainstorming some ideas ‘n stuff for tomorrow!”

“Yeah? Anything good?”

Your cheeks flush crimson; a shy smile on your lips. “Maybe~ But we’ll save it for our talk!!”

dom.cheol: aren’t you a pretty lil thing?

angelhan has donated $70

dom.cheol has donated $300

artist8hao: oh? A new location again? It looks nice

alphagyu97: are we all forgetting the most important thing??

alphagyu97: whos the dude???

universe_WZ: you sound pressed over there, u ok?

hoshi_tiger_xx: honestly idrc that video was HOT

“Oh my gosh~ You guys!!” Your eyes flit to the side where Seungcheol sits with his phone in hand; a sly smirk on his face when your eyes meet. “Actually, I didn’t know you’d all like it so much… I kinda just thought to do it on the fly and my---my friend, um, agreed to help me…” Mumbling, you shyly readjust on Seungcheol’s sheets.

gc__koo: a friend? interesting tell me more

sleepy_wonu: who tf

kitty_junjun: i see our babygirl is getting more regulars~ so popular~

You giggle cutely as you tuck a stray hair behind your ear. “Did my video do that well?” You already know the answer but you read off a few more responses, biting your lip when you glance Seungcheol’s way again.

“Actually… my friend is here with me. He’s making sure I behave~”

Seungcheol pauses, head tilted questioningly at you. He mouths a simple ‘what are you doing?’ to which you wink back, readjusting yourself against the headboard.

“He’s really shy though… So he won’t be on camera~ But… But thinking about his fingers so deep in me… Fuck I’m--I’m already…” You trail off; hand reaching for the small bullet vibrator next to you on the bed.

gc__koo: guess he really gave it to you good huh?

xcaliburDK: fuck we kno he did… god that was so hot

tangerine_kwan: ur cute lil pussy was so wet and tight around those fingers, fuck

chwenon has donated $45

chwenon: it was so diff from seeing your own fingers or toys but in a good way

You trail the small vibrator across your body; mewling when you press it against the growing wet patch on your panties. “S-so you guys wouldn’t mind seeing more?”

gentleman_josh95: fuck yea i wanna see more

therealchan99: yes god plz, wanna see that cute lil cunt stretching around a fat cock

Seungcheol blushes as he clenches his jaw, suddenly a little embarrassed.

“Yeah? Mmh, I--I want that too…” You whimper. Using your free hand, you hook your thumb into the waistband of your panties as you shimmy them down before you continue. “Do you think my friend would be so kind as to give it to me~?” You tease; spreading your legs wide in front of the camera.

dom.cheol: if you behave, maybe he will.

artist8hao: mmm he’s right, only good girls get their pussies filled with cock

“Heeeey, but I’m good, right?” You pout, brows furrowing cutely at the camera. “I’ve been so good lately… Think I deserve a reward~”

dom.cheol: do you though? Have you been good, baby?

therealchan99: uh oh trouble in paradise?

gc__koo: maybe hes jealous

Jealous!? Seungcheol exclaims in his head; reminding himself to keep quiet as he stares at you incredulously.

You can only laugh loudly in response, shaking your head as you bring the wet toy up to your lips. You lick the wetness off of the silicone, lips settling into a sly smirk when you set the vibrator to it’s strongest setting.

“Let me show you how good I can be.”

“So, restraints?”

“For me or for you?” You blink up at Seungcheol from a mouthful of cereal, hair messy as you lounge in one of his shirts you happened to find on the floor. “Uh, well, mostly for you. I’m--I’m not opposed to it but… Yeah.”

You get comfy in his makeshift sofa bed, giggling as he sits across from you. “I’m totally cool with it! Oh! Um… you… you’re clean, right? Before we continue.” He nods in response, clearing his throat. “Yeah, I got tested a few weeks ago… Just in case.”

“Okay cool, so… Hmm… ‘Cheol is there anything you don’t want to do?”

“I should be asking you that, baby. ‘Cause I’m okay with anything you want to do… I think.”

“Okay so no piss kinks and no weird diaper baby stuff then.”

Seungcheol snorts, running a hand through his hair. “Sounds good to me. Is there anything you’re… really opposed to? Like choking or spitplay or degradation... I mean, you talking about it on your camshows is different from us doing it in real life so I--I just want to make sure you’re really okay with it.” You nod slowly, taking in his words.

“Yeah… I mean, I wanna try it with you. I trust you.” Pausing, you bite your lip as you try to hide the giddy smile on your face to no avail. “If we’re being honest, the thought of you being rough with me and spitting in my mouth is kinda really hot.”

He grits his teeth, already feeling his cock throb when you say that. “Ooookay, baby, I gotta go to work after this so let’s… not go there right now, okay? I don’t need ‘Guk having any more ammo against me.”

“Sorry, ‘Cheol~ I’ll be good! And--oh, by the way… Um, what about your v-voice? What are we gonna do about that…”

Oh, right.

Seungcheol bites the inside of his cheek, contemplating. In truth, he’d been thinking about it since you asked him to help the first time and he knew eventually he’d have to revisit the topic. It seemed like a minuscule thing, but a part of him was a little worried that he’d be recognizable. “I--I’ll think about it. I’m more okay on the idea of it but I’ll let you know before we do anything.” Nodding, you get up from the sofa the same time Seungcheol does, walking with him towards the front door.

“Oh and one last thing, ‘Cheol!”

“Hmm?”

“Safe word?”

He takes a second to think, brows furrowing as he stares up at the ceiling.

“Cranberry.”

You raise a brow, blinking up at Seungcheol. “Really? Cranberry?”

“Yeah, why not, it’s easy to remember and it’s not Cherry but it’s kinda similar?”

“That’s fair, I guess.”

“Hey hyung, cool apartment! Didn’t think I’d see it like that, if you know what I mean.”

“Don’t you have popcorn to burn?”

Seungcheol sighs a breath of relief when he turns the lock to his apartment door; already excited to see you when he gets home from work.

“I’m back!” He yells, toeing his shoes off at the entrance as he sees you quietly shuffle to the entrance.

“I… I was bad today…”

Confusion crosses Seungcheol’s features as his eyes dance over your form still dressed in one of his t-shirts.

Oh.

Ohhhh. Okay.

“You were bad, huh? Wanna tell me what you did, baby?”

You nod in response, linking your hands with his as you guide him back towards the bed. You hand him your phone, already having it in video mode and recording by the time he adjusts it in his palm

“You don’t have to… say anything if you don’t want to.” Seungcheol nods.

Gulping, you peer up at him once you sit on the bed. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you after you left for work… I--I couldn’t stop touching myself thinking about you…” You rub your thighs together; already feeling the wetness pooling between them again.

“I made myself cum and I--I used your pillow to make myself cum and got them dirty… ‘m sorry…”

Seungcheol feels himself slip into character, bringing his free hand up to your hair before he slightly tugs on it.

“So your greedy ‘lil pussy couldn’t wait ‘til I got home from work? And you got my favorite pillows dirty? Naughty ‘lil thing. I can’t even leave you alone for a few hours, can I?”

You feel your body heat up incredibly fast, head tilted up towards the camera as he brings it in closer. You were fully expecting him to keep quiet, but you were incredibly elated to hear him interacting with you. “I k-know, I’m sorry! I couldn’t s-stop thinking about your cock…” He scoffs, grinning down at you when he sees the lust already pooling in your eyes.

“How are you going to make it up to me, baby?”

“Fuck, you’re so pretty choking on my cock.”

The tears blur your vision as you swallow around him; pussy throbbing around your fingers at the feeling of him already being too big for your mouth. His hand guides you down until your lips almost reach the base of his cock, a strained moan on his lips when you gag around him. “Ngh, god, your mouth is so fuckin’ small. Bet you can’t wait ‘til my cock is in that pussy of yours, huh?”

You moan around him in response; head getting fuzzy when the lightheadedness starts to bite. You continue to thrust your own fingers into your pussy, prepping yourself for Seungcheol as you scissor and curl the digits.

Seungcheol holds you onto his cock a second more before he tugs on your hair, pulling you off of his cock as you sputter and catch your breath. “You look good like this, baby.” He smirks, letting the camera catch your messy hair, teary eyes and swollen lips before he lets go of your hair.

“Now get on the bed. Legs spread for me.”

You nod; getting up from the floor on shaky legs as Seungcheol lets the camera follow.

You strip off all your clothes and get onto the bed before resting against the pillows and spreading your legs for Seungcheol to situate himself between them.

“You need to be punished for misbehaving, sweetheart. You know you’re not allowed to cum without my permission. And you got my sheets dirty.”

“I know…” You whimper, “I couldn’t help it…”

Scoffing, he rolls his eyes. “I know you can’t. All you ever think about is my cock inside that pussy of yours. What would you do without me, baby? Do you think anyone could satisfy you like I do?”

Seungcheol slots himself between your legs, making sure to keep most of himself out of frame. He wraps his free hand around his cock, running it up and down before bringing his cock to your wet folds. He runs the head through your folds, letting it tap against your clit as you jolt.  “Do you want me?” He whispers; his eyes meeting yours.

He knew this was the second everything would change for the two of you, and he wanted to make sure you truly wanted it before he took the leap.

“Yes, please… I want you so bad…” You whimper, legs wrapping around Seungcheol’s waist. He nods shakily, making sure your phone is angled down as he slowly sinks his cock into your pussy.

The two of you share a broken moan as Seungcheol’s grip on your phone tightens and your own hands find purchase in the pillow tucked underneath your head.

Seungcheol was big.

And the stretch had you whining; a small sting biting into you as he slowly eased his cock into you. “Relax for me, sweetheart. You’re already so fuckin’ tight around me. You need to relax a little more.”

You try your best to even your breathing as you also attempt to relax; pupils blown wide when you look straight into the camera. “G-god, you’re so b-big, oh, I--I’m--a-ah!” Tiny cries spill from your lips as you cum unexpectedly, nails digging into the pillow as your walls flutter around him.

“Hmm~ Only got half my cock into your tight pussy and you’re already cumming? So easy.” He laughs, letting you ride out your high as he waits.

Internally, Seungcheol was dying. There were so many things he wanted to say but couldn’t; knowing he, too, at this moment, was playing a character with you.

“Fuck, your pussy is so warm and wet and I’m not even all the way in yet. Think you can still take the rest of me, baby?”

“I, hah, y-yes, please! Wanna fuh--feel all of y-you…” Mumbling, you don’t even wait to come down from your high before you’re already wanting more; squirming underneath him.

“If you say so~”

Seungcheol inches in the rest of his cock, exhaling harshly when he bottoms out completely. “Holy fuck, you’re so goddamn tight!” His free hand grips your thigh, nails digging into the flesh as he gives you a second to adjust to his size. You can feel your entire body trembling, pussy clenching around him as the sting from the stretch starts to subside and bleed into unadulterated pleasure. “God, please--please m-move!”

He starts slow at first, only shallowly thrusting into you as the two of you get used to each other’s body. And despite your first time together being on camera, Seungcheol doesn’t seem to mind all too much, although he does remember to keep himself out as much as possible.

Your breathy moans and clipped breaths are music to his ears when he starts going a little faster; the sweat starting to trickle down his temple when he keeps at a moderate pace. “O-oh, fuck!” A string of incoherent curses follow as you wince when the head of Seungcheol’s cock taps your cervix.

“Oh, go----d, right there, please, it feels so g-good!”

“Right here? Does it feel good when you’re full of my cock?” Seungcheol clenches his jaw when you tighten around him, small curses falling from his own lips.

“Yes, yes, god, fuck… I--ngh!” Your eyes clamp shut as you fully get lost in pleasure; your head tossed back into the pillow when Seungcheol thrusts into you particularly hard.

You hear him laugh lightly, followed by a buzzing noise that has your eyes peeling open. “H-huh?”

Seungcheol smiles down at you, eyes filled with mischief when he plays with the settings on the vibrator in his hand.

“Well, you wanted to cum so bad that you did it without my permission, right? Since you wanna cum so bad, let’s see it, sweetheart.” He brings the toy to your clit; letting the vibrations throw your body into overdrive as your back arches off of the sheets.

“A-ah, Seu--Mmh! Fuck ‘m g-gonna cum a-again!” You cry, thighs quivering around his waist as he keeps the silicone toy pressed up against your swollen clit.

He doesn’t let up as he starts to thrust into you quicker, fucking you through your orgasm as he chases his. “God, your fuckin’ cunt was made for me. Bet you want me to cum inside too, huh? Fill you up nice and good until it’s spilling out of you?”

“Please, please, please!”

“You gotta cum for me one more time, baby. Get my cock wet.” You let out a choked cry, lashes wet with tears when he sets the toy to its strongest setting.

“Mmh, ‘m so s-sensitive… I--- I don’t know if--if I can, ah, cum a-again…” Seungcheol licks his lips watching your fucked out expression, cock throbbing between your walls. “I know you can, baby. I can feel you already getting tight around me again.”

And Seungcheol’s right; only a few more thrusts from him before you’re cumming one last time, heels digging into the small of his back as he finally shuts the toy off and grinds against you. And this time, your lips part in a silent scream, back arching off of the bed as your entire body goes rigid underneath him.

He makes sure to do a full sweep of your body through the camera in the midst of your high, halting his movements as he lets you ride it out before he continues.

“Oh my g-god, I--fu--fuck…”

Your body finally untenses after a few minutes; chest heaving in deep breaths as Seungcheol resumes his pace.

“Ready for me to cum inside that cute ‘lil cunt of yours?”

“Mmh, yes, give it to me~”

Seungcheol snickers, thrusting into you hard one last time before he pulls out completely. “That’s too bad~” He taunts, wrapping his free hand around the shaft of his cock. “Only good girls get creampies~” He lets out a cocky laugh, running his hand up and down his cock as he positions it over your abdomen.

You clench around emptiness, a weak moan floating through the air when Seungcheol finally cums, painting your chest in warm wet streaks of the salty substance. “Fuck, but you look so pretty covered in my cum too…” He grits out, cock throbbing in his palm as he works himself through his orgasm.

You watch him through foggy eyes; licking your chapped lips as you watch his brows furrow in concentration and his eyes slide shut as he, too, gets overwhelmed with bliss.

It takes a moment for him to catch his breath, palm sweaty around the phone as his thumb hovers over the ‘stop’ button. “W-wait…”

“Hmm? What’s wrong, baby?”

You run your fingers through the rivulets of cum coating your skin, gathering the viscous liquid on your fingertips before you bring them up to your mouth to lick them clean. “We can’t let it go to waste, can we?” Popping the digits into your mouth, you moan around your fingers as you clean Seungcheol’s cum off of them.

“You’re right, baby. We shouldn’t.”

You smile up at him, eyes dancing towards the camera for what feels like the first time in a long time before popping the digits out of your mouth.

Seungcheol’s eyes follow your movements, throat dry when you run your fingertips through the settling cum again. Except this time, you drag your fingers down until they’re teasing your clit, coating it in his cum. “Ngh, w-wanted you to cum inside but…”

His shaky eyes follow the way your fingers dip lower and lower until your cum coated fingers sink into your swollen pussy. He mentally screams, half tempted to shut off the camera.

“That’s right, baby. You want my cum so bad that you have to do it yourself, huh? Maybe next time you’ll remember to behave, won’t you?”

Nodding, you repeat the same steps a few more times; fingering Seungcheol’s cum into your pussy until most of it is cleaned off of your chest.

“I promise I won’t misbehave again~” You coo.

You wait a few seconds before you lean up, hand circling Seungcheol’s wrist as you bring the phone down and press the ‘stop’ button yourself.

“And scene!” You blurt out, laying back down in a tired mess as Seungcheol chuckles above you.

“Well, can’t say I expected that, if I’m being honest.” He moves back, eyes fixated on his cum that dries on your skin and the little bit that trickles from your pussy. “I’ve gotta ask, did you really… before I got home…”

“Honestly? Yeah… I mean the--the pillows were a lie ‘cause I didn’t wanna get them dirty but…” You chuckle tiredly, aiming to sit up which you find difficult to do. “Fuck, ‘Cheol, I think you broke me!” He pouts in response, leaning over you to make sure you were okay.

“Did I though? Be honest. ‘Cause I wasn’t expecting to go that hard on our first time together but it just---it--I--”

“Whoa, it’s okay! Seungcheol, relax. You didn’t hurt me… I r-really liked it actually… It felt--You felt really good. And I just wanted to, um, say sorry. I kinda sprung that on you out of nowhere too.”

“Honestly? I didn’t mind. I seemed to fall into character a lot easier than I expected which shocked me too.” 

The two of you fall into a comfortable yet shy silence; catching your breath.

Seungcheol makes the first move, sliding off of the bed as you fight off the sleep that threatens to take you. “Hey, we need to get you cleaned up and hydrated. I need to change the sheets too.”

“Mmm.. but ‘m tired, ‘Cheol…”

He smiles at your tired form, helping you into a sitting position before shuffling to the kitchen to get you a glass of water. “I know you’re tired. And you can go to sleep after we get you cleaned off, get the sheets changed and probably eat a little, okay?”

“Mmkay~ Oh, but the video…” He passes you the glass, making you finish it before you continue.

“What about the video?”

You wipe at your dry lips, handing the glass back to Seungcheol. “We… We should probably watch it back and edit it a bit to make sure everything’s okay, shouldn’t we? Just in case we, um, said something we shouldn’t have or something...”

A blush blooms on Seungcheol’s skin, suddenly shy at the idea that he’d have to not only listen to himself but also watch, at least, part of himself on camera. “R-right, which--which we can do tomorrow when I get back from work. If that’s okay with you?”

You nod up at him, a beaming smile on your face.

“It’s definitely okay with me~”

[dependsonwhospitching]

check-in tag

the wonderful @louciernagas tagged me to walk though this, thank you dear [sparkle emoji] javi [sparkle emoji]

1. why did you choose your url?

here’s the background, NOT a reference to anal sex smh (i’m looking at you @imbellarosa and @wabadabadaba)

2. any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

OKAY JAVI @thisisustrying isn’t actually a side blog lol it’s a separate blog altogether. I get really sick of swiftie discourse and think-pieces really fast and didn’t want to see it on my dash every day, so I kept it separate and log in when I feel like it. I still follow some fun swifties on this blog though.

i made it for my taylor edits! i’ve made so many now, i love it. and i love seeing what other people make. i don’t tag anything tho, that blog is the definition of no thoughts, head empty.

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

technically since 2012/2013-ish? back in high school? deactivated for a while and came back last year

4. do you have a queue tag?

i think it’s “welcome to my queue” on this blog, and just “q” on the other blog

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

i was a sherlock blog LOL and then i came back bc i would check on a few 1D blogs from time to time and i was like okay might as well come back for real

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

UGH the promo we got for louis’ livestreeeaaaaam that hair that face pls

7. why did you choose your header?

i love a.m, it’s such a chill song. the whole “made in the a.m.” album is so good.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

I think it’s my pinned “faith in the future” album art, from the LT2 concept series. and on the other blog i think it’s a lyric parallel about eyes and stars

9. how many mutuals do you have?

how can you tell???

10. how many followers do you have?

the fact that more than 2 people follow me is tragic

11. how many people do you follow?

298 lovelies

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

....i don’t think so?

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

i don’t want to know but i’m here every day

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

here’s the deal, i have LOADS of issues with other blogs but they have no idea who i am and i have never talked to them LOL

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

heavy dislike

16. do you like tag games?

LOVE, but it takes some mental energy lol and similarly to javi, i like doing them on my laptop so it takes some time for me to get to them otherwise

17. do you like ask games?

yup, but still takes some brain capacity that I don’t always have

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

idk what counts as tumblr famous but there’s some popular ones out there

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

@saintqueer mwah

20. tags?

if you’d like to partake: @sonofaraven @sunsmile-lou @fearless-liability @loulovehome @sunflowerxhome @rcsadias @loveonwallstour @lt2mybeloved @repfalls @bringmethesunset @louisforeverything @goldensbb @saintqueer @evilovesyou @whatagreatproblemtohave @halosanchor @halo-the-brave @inspiredbylouis

[withoneheadlight]

I was tagged by @memes-saved-me <3<3<3<, Thank you, love <3<3<3<

~

1. why did you choose your url?

It’s because, one day, just a few months after starting to write again, feeling like I was sweating blood every time I had to sit down and do this, Neil Gaiman made me feel the most understood I‘ve ever felt when it comes to writing:

“It's a weird thing, writing.

Sometimes you can look out across what you're writing, and it's like looking out over a landscape on a glorious, clear summer's day. You can see every leaf on every tree, and hear the birdsong, and you know where you'll be going on your walk.

And that's wonderful.

Sometimes it's like driving through fog. You can't really see where you're going. You have just enough of the road in front of you to know that you're probably still on the road, and if you drive slowly and keep your headlamps lowered you'll still get where you were going.

And that's hard while you're doing it, but satisfying at the end of a day like that, where you look down and you got 1500 words that didn't exist in that order down on paper, half of what you'd get on a good day, and you drove slowly, but you drove.

And sometimes you come out of the fog into clarity, and you can see just what you're doing and where you're going, and you couldn't see or know any of that five minutes before.

And that's magic.”

He summed it up in another interview like this:

“Writing a novel is like driving through the fog with one headlight out. You can’t see very far ahead of yourself, but every now and again the mists will clear.”

i printed it and got it on my wall, too. so i don't forget.

and guess what’s one of my all-time favorite songs? yeah, you got it :D

also, that's the amount of mental enlightenment I go through life with: half the standard equipment. So it fits me pretty well i guess.

2. any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

yeah i’ve got a few. most of them to stash things i like, in general or in other fandoms, but in harringrove i have @thequarryatnight as a fic/hc storage of sorts.

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

uh, technically a few years?. I've had a few different accounts that I always ended up forgetting about. But had never really used Tumblr until this past last year and a half.

4. do you have a queue tag?

I use the most simplistic 'queue' ... when I remember to put it on XD (which, I should, because I'm always so worried people think I'm in here ignoring them when in reality what I usually have is the longest queue)

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

Uh, long and boring story? xD. I started posting harringrove in my main a few months after I started using the account again, along with posts/reblogs for other fandoms. But with Tumblr being the chaos it is (for me at least, and for the way my poor add brain works) it felt pretty overwhelmed, having so many different things in one place, and never being able to find anything so I decided to make this one side-blog only for posting my fics, but then people started following me here and suddenly there were a bunch of them and then suddenly it felt like it made more sense?, rebloging things in here where more people could see them? so I made @thequarryatnight and started reblogging my stuff in there, so I wouldn't get crazy, and started using this as a more fandomish blog.

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

I love pictures taken from the side? xD, they’ve got this feeling, of looking at someone without them noticing. there’s a longing in there that’s always fascinated me, and steve’s breathtaking in this one (same as billy in my main pic, imo). i like to think billy'd look at him and think ‘fuck’, fall in love for the hundredth time so, yep. I love that pic.

7. why did you choose your header?

Is a picture of Santa Carla at night, aka Santa Cruz, where Lost Boys was filmed. Is my second favorite fictional town (first is Astoria i might have a list) and the feeling of it is just *chef’s kiss*. Had to have it. But I’m thinking of revamping it for the summer? maybe? I’ve got a few ideas, it’s been hard to decide, but I wanna bring out the summery vibe this year.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

it’s apparently my upside-down kiss one! I'm pretty happy with how it turned out (i used this page since I had 0 idea of how to check this)

9. how many mutuals do you have?

i honestly don't know, but they all are amazing mutuals <3

10. how many followers do you have?

one of the best things about tumblr: doesn't show the follower count <3 (imo)

11. how many people do you follow?

about 1000? xD

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

if saying the first stupid thing that comes to my head in here is considered a shit post, then,t o o m a n y.

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

I've been trying to reduce the number of times I come checking but still, way too many :D

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

nope. never. sometimes i want to leave my opinion in some posts, but i still feel pretty insecure about the language, so i'm perpetually afraid of being misunderstood.

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts

the ones with something good/bad is gonna happen if you don't reblog? i usually scream internally while i fast-scroll past them while both feeling like bwahhahaha and scared shitless.

16. do you like tag games?

oh i LOVE tag games too much.

17. do you like ask games?

very very much. even if sometimes i repent bc it's hard for me to find the time to answer them xD.

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

dunno but @chichipafarolillos is my personal superstar <3

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

no xD but I really really <3<3<3 my mutuals.

20. tags?

@ghostofjellyfishforgotten @missroserose @rascheln @neonponders @cockasinthebird @thatharringrovehoe @edith-moonshadow @dyingontheharringrovehill @wholeshebangs @irishbeings @smashmouth-hargrove @mourntheantagonist @aestheticchaoss @somuchanemoia @cupidsintern

[ghoulciifer]

hewoo🥺can you write hcs on tendou and iwaizumi comforting their s/o who is sad because of their bad relationship with their father,like not in any abusive way but their dad is distant and emotionally unavailable:/

HC: Tendou and Iwaizumi helping an S/O with an emotionally unavailable father.

TW: Parental Neglect/Distancing, idk how to properly identify this trigger but I will be writing about some potentially heavy stuff in regards to parental instability so be wary of that if you wish to proceed.

TAGS: Emotional unavailability, hurt/comfort, angst

NOTES: Hi anon, thank you for requesting this, bby! This ask hit super close to home so I felt very confident that it was something I could write. While I might not have had these sweet boys to help me through my time, I hope these headcanons bring some sort of comfort to anyone dealing with this situation. And anon, if you yourself are dealing with this, know that I understand and I love you dearly ❤️ It’s not easy but it can be bearable. My inbox is always open, honeybun. (also we’re not gonna talk about how i switched tenses w each hc shhhh)

===================================

if you couldn’t tell by my url, i love tendou dearly, bby boy is my level of crackhead energy

literally the biggest asshole when it comes to teasing but i mean, you know he loves you

which is probably how he found out about your situation in the first place

y’all were probably joking around, making aggressive jabs at each other, name calling, the whole nine yards

“tendou you look like a fuckin’ troll doll, do not tell me I need a haircut”

“well y/n, anyone would be a damn troll for dating you”

you get the picture

it wasn’t until he made an off-handed comment about your dad not loving you that your mood INSTANTLY dropped

your chest got tight, your skin went numb, all breath from your lungs just WHOOSH

when he saw the tears slip from the brims of your eyes he finally stopped talking and lept to your side

he grabbed your face with both hands and started spewing apologies after asking what was wrong, he knew you liked to joke around with him like that but you never cried from something he said before

that’s when you sat him down (after some cuddles n kisses uwu) and explained everything to him

about your dad’s emotional unavailability, how you constantly pushed yourself in everything you did to get any sort of feedback from him, how you wanted to have that relationship everyone else seemed to have with their fathers

“it feels stupid to say but... i’ll never know what it feels like to be a daddy’s girl/boy.”

the whole time he’d listen intently, just soak up every word that came out of your mouth and nod occasionally to show that he was actively retaining the info

he’d have an arm slung around you and the other hand gently rubbed your thigh with his thumb, it only left the spot once or twice to wipe a stray tear from your face

and when you finished he went silent for a moment to really think it over. usually he’d be quicker with responses, but he didn’t want to potentially make you feel worse

he’d connect the dots during this process: he actually understood why you worked so hard all the time, why you got so happy when he praised you for the smallest things, why you always seemed to derail any conversations about your parents

he’d tell you that he might not understand what being isolated by a parent may feel like, but he definitely understands being cast out. he’d want you to understand that he truly felt for you, and you don’t have to be alone despite how your father makes you feel.

lowkey he’d probably offer to talk to your dad but that was just his protective crackhead slippin’ out, give him a head pat and firmly tell him no and that it’s okay

he said it gently but you definitely saw one of his eyebrows twitch and the look in his eye

he doesn’t want anyone makin’ his baby feel this way 🥺

once he managed to make you laugh with either that attempt of yelling at your dad or just crack a stupid joke that NEVER failed to make you giggle

he’d pull you into another hug and apologize on your neglectful dad’s behalf

“I know this won’t change anything, but I’m so sorry y/n... you deserve the world and more.”

then he’d tickle you again just to hear your sweet voice wail his name in a fit of laughter, it’s music to his ears

from then on he made the effort to check up on you, tell you how proud he was, how great you were doing at XYZ

bc although he couldn’t replace your dad, he would do his damndest to be your “emotional support daddy” i’m taking this term w me to the grave

i’m so so sorry but i never write for iwa so this might be a lil’ short or ooc pls don’t come for my neck i’m trying

but ooooooh iwa-chan

he probably won’t really connect the dots as quick as tendou would but it’s fine, it’ll work out

so you were tossing a volleyball back and forth at a park or smth

and this motherfucker was being so critical over everything you did

“y/n drop your shoulders”

“your feet aren’t wide enough apart”

“no, thumb over the palm, like this”

“HAJIME IF YOU’RE JUST GONNA CRITIQUE ME GO PLAY WITH FLATTY-KAWA, THEN”

this is why he was the volleyball player of the relationship, smh

but he just chuckled and half-apologized, making a joke about how he felt bad for your dad playing catch w you as a kid under his breath

boy did your shoulders drop then

your whole body slumped and the ball fell flat in front of you

Iwa gave you a confused look before seeing how wide your eyes went, the wetness steadily forming in the corners and the way your bottom lip trembled

“hey, hey, what’s wrong? did I really coach you too hard?”

he quickly walked over to you and pulled you into his chest, pressing a sweet lil kiss to the side of your head, a hand rubbing up and down your back

you shook your head and clung onto his shirt, the tears you were choking on making your mouth unable to move in response while your whole body trembled with the sudden overflow of emotion

meanwhile iwa’s just like ??? what did i do ???

clueless

but he held your through your crying fit and waited until you stopped sniffling and hiccuping to finally ask what was wrong, pulling you into his lap as he sat down on the grass

dude still thinks he just nagged you too much lol

you explained that you really didn’t have the best relationship with your dad, that your childhood was mostly spent playing by yourself and learning how to do certain things alone or through others

growing up happened way too fast for you and it was hard for you to actually enjoy it without a father figure who made an effort to connect with you, even now.

he’s got his hand rubbing up and down your back while you talk, cheek smushed on your head as he hums in acknowledgment ever so often

now he gets it.

he’s silent for a moment, then moves to press a gentle kiss to your temple before speaking

“I’ll help you out, with everything.”

He wants to be there for you for whatever milestones you have yet to complete, considering your father was never there for the ones you did.

he ALSO wants to shit on your dad for treating you poorly but he just keeps that to himself prolly plotting to do it on his own one day oml

he reassures you that he’s proud of how far you’ve gotten on your own without that fatherly guidance, and that he’ll never let you feel so alone and helpless again.

he’ll teach you everything you need to learn

“...and I promise to be a better volleyball coach, too.”

[literaetures]

i was tagged by the always lovely @keiraknightlcygf and i'm tagging: @startingthecase, @jammeke, @brontes, @faslaidir, and anyone who wants to do this tag! 💌

1. Why did you choose your url?

it was years ago when i just switched my major to english in undergrad and i was really excited about it and wanted to get hyped and fall in love with the subject that i cared about on here too and it just stuck ever since! but i'm always thinking about changing it and never taking the plunge....... maybe one day...... one day

2. Any side blogs?

yeah! i have a multifandom blog, a reference blog, and a gradblr and i barely use any of them but they're still there!

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

oof since 2011 and now it's 2021 and i remember making it in like? august? so 10 year anniversary is coming up! and i never thought i'd be in grad school.... still on this site.... but wow the passage of time!

4. Do you have a queue tag?

nope! i tried using my queue a few times but i really just prefer reblogging one or two or a million things at once and then disappearing

5. Why did you start this blog in the first place?

i moved blogs bc a bunch of irl people were following me on my original one and i just didn't feel comfortable reblogging what i wanted to so i moved and i'm always glad i did that!

6. Why did you choose your icon?

it's lizzie bennet from 2005 p&p with the cutest background and i love her your honor i don't think i'll ever change it!

7. Why did you choose your header?

i just reblogged a pretty art piece and i thought "i could make a mobile theme around this color scheme" and then i did which is how my normal thought process for mobile themes goes

8. How many mutuals do you have?

oh no clue— is that something you can track? i know loving mutuals is the Thing now but i just like everyone i follow tbh otherwise i wouldn't follow them

9. How many followers do you have?

more than i'd ever thought would follow me! and i'm eternally grateful and totally shocked every time i look at it! i'm actually about to hit a milestone soon so i'm even more shocked that anyone would want to follow me! thank you all for being here and always being so kind! 💛

10. How many do you follow?

622! i went through and unfollowed a few inactive blogs but i know it's quite a lot lmao i like having a fast dash and i watch a variety of media so i like having new recommendations of things to watch

11. Have you ever made a shitpost?

yeah and none of them are funny but they make me laugh in the moment!

12. How often do you use tumblr a day?

pretty often since it's the only social media i actively go on— any time want to scroll through something i go on here

13. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

i don't think so? i hope not! i really don't like hurting others or being mean or confrontation so i can't think of anything

14. How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

i really dislike them bc usually those comments are from other people and i feel like they either derail or detract from the op's point or just encourage a passive activism that remains in a performative realm rather than actively researching or wanting find out more about a certain topic or issue

15. Do you like tag games?

i do! i like the thought that someone would tag me and i think they're fun but i'm always bad at doing them bc they tend to disappear from my notes or i just get swamped with work and forget fjsnkfdsjnf

17. Which mutuals do you think are tumblr famous?

ooo no clue there might be some but i genuinely don't care bc if i follow you it's bc i like the things you reblog or post and that's what matters not how popular or "tumblr famous" you are which is why i like that you can't see how many followers someone has it takes a lot of the pressure off of you and you can just enjoy the things you reblog instead!

18. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

all of them i adore you all and wish nothing but good things to happen to you!

[michelemoutons]

tagged by @gaslypodium! i did do a similar one on my main but i want to do it again >:] it's a bit long though so hop on under the read more and we'll get to the good stuff

1. Why did you choose your url?

of course i had to reference my favorite driver, michèle 😌 back in the day the press really did not know how to Act around her so she had a lot of tabloid nicknames. and the german one was literally ‘black volcano’ bc of her hair and her (reported) temper

2. Any side blogs?

this is a sideblog! my main blog is @knapp-shappeys.

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

i’ve been lurking on here since abandoning google+ in 2015, but didn’t make an effort to take care of my main until 2016. i’ve been on motorsport tumblr since march 2021

4. Do you have a queue tag?

i don’t use queue except for my (almost) daily group b posting, and i don’t have a special tag for it

5. Why did you start your blog on the first place?

i got into group b rally first. i ended up picking up f1 bc i’d been seeing a lot of f1 on my dash (thanks alix) and had also come across a picture of seb and schumi with michèle at a race of champions and thought hmm those don’t look like rally drivers! :) i wonder who they are! :)

i got up to something like 100 motorsport-related posts on my main and then had a blazing moment of realization that this was certainly not what anyone had come to my main blog for, so i made this one! alix inspired me on this front as well.

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

michèle and fabrizia my beloveds! yes the posts on this blog may be overwhelmingly related to f1 at this point, but my original entry point into motorsport was learning about their story. and i love them dearly

7. Why did you choose your header ?

this was the picture that technically started it all for me.

so long story (that you can skip if you want, i don’t care) my parents took me to stare at cars in a dealership one afternoon when i was about nine years old. i was dragging my feet/complaining about being there, so they had me sit in a chair and wait. now i hadn’t brought anything to read. i was bored out of my mind and settled on staring at the pictures on the walls. right next to me was this picture of a woman standing next to a yellow-and-white car against a backdrop of a mountain.

my first thought was, “that’s a pretty car.” my second was, “wow, she’s beautiful.” third, “i wonder if she’s asian?” because she had long black hair like me. so i spent a lovely hour piecing together a story about her in my head before my parents came back and collected me, and i promptly forgot about the whole thing even though it was arguably a formative Fruity Moment.

fast forward to a few months ago, when i was doing research for something else and came across the same picture. i remembered being 9 and seeing michèle mouton’s picture on the wall, and decided to read her wikipedia page. lo and behold: i became a motorsport fan.

8. What’s your post with the most notes ?

pfffft got no clue but i had one with 50k on my main somewhere back in 2017

9. How many mutuals do you have ?

i don’t keep track of this. if you follow me we’re automatically besties

10. How many followers do you have ?

44 here (hehe) and 332 on main

11. How many people do you follow ?

😬 a lot, i should go clean it up a bit

12. Have you ever made a shit post?

oh what is microblogging platform but to create shitposts day in day out

13. How often do you use tumblr a day?

i check it a few times: once in morning, sometimes in the afternoon, mostly at night because that’s when a good amount of my internet acquaintances are awake (we love time zones!)

14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

no. life’s too short

15. How do you feel about the “you need to reblog” posts ?

i ignore luck ones on principle but as for awareness posts, i’ve said this before but i come to social media to have a laugh and relax, not to be aware of news or educate others. i do have a life away from the screen where i do stay informed and in touch with reality, where i do educate myself and other people in my life and participate in physical actions like boycotting and donations and (barring pandemic times) volunteering. that’s my activism. that’s just me of course, different things for different people, and no one’s better or worse than others for trying to do something in their own ways as they are capable to help others. hopefully that made sense too

16. Do you like tag games ?

of course i do!

17. Do you like ask games ?

yes! i love being asked things!

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is mutual famous?

how would you even keep track of this? haha

19. Do you have a mutual crush?

i don’t have crushes on people i’m only acquainted with through a screen

no pressure of course, but tagging @totowoof, @jedivszombie, @p1tstop, @maranello, and @hon3y-badg3r

[hargrove-mayfields]

tagged by @dyingontheharringrovehill! ty much! <3

1. why did you choose your url?

This was only ever meant to be a placeholder url! I didn’t expect my blog to gain traction so fast (or at all really, love y’all sm) so I didn’t have a backup ready and now that’s just what I’m known as so I didn’t want to change it! But I think I’m gonna change it pretty soon anyways.

2. any side blogs? if you have them name them and why you have them.

I have two, but they’re not really active yet, ones an overwatch side blog @silverandsoftly and ones a batjokes blog @haha-hacienda ! Any original works that eventually get posted over there will end up on my ao3 though!

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

Gosh I don’t even know how long. Maybe 8-ish years?

4. do you have a queue tag?

Nope! Tumblrs queue system confuses me too much!

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

To share my writing! My hyperfixation switched and I wanted really bad to write for stranger things, but my other accounts were basically dead and not getting attention anymore, but I really adored the community here from an outsiders perspective, so I just started over and it really paid off!

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Before I had picked a picture of Steve that I just saw too many other people so I picked one I hadn’t seen a lot of! It also matched my header so that was a bonus.

7. why did you choose your header?

It matched my pfp at the time and it was a wide shot so it worked well! Not much thinking behind it really other than they match colors wise.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

This ficlet I wrote about Billy coming out to Max! It has 221 notes!

9. how many mutuals do you have?

Probably about as many as I follow, not really sure though!

10. how many followers do you have?

160 exactly!

11. how many people do you follow?

80! Almost positive I used to follow more than that but tumblr does that thing where it unfollows people for no reason to me all the time.

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

Yep. I think what constitutes my sense of humor and literally everyone else on the planets though does not line up and I get like, two notes on those posts tops.

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

Quite a bit, but I’ve been really bad at looking at my dashboard recently. I get on and respond to messages/rps and then I’m off again trying to write or do other things. I wish there was more time in the day so I could spend some more time reading and looking at other peoples work!

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Never! I hate internet conflicts, it makes me so nervous even seeing other people fighting. I answer most hate anons, but I hardly think that counts as a fight, because I have yet to have one leave more asks and try to comeback at me. (I probably just jinxed that though)

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

Not good. Do y’all remember those comments on like dress up game websites and YouTube years and years ago that you had to share them and write stuff down or just do little tasks so you would be lucky or safe from monsters and stuff? Because I was probably like seven when I started seeing those and those triggered terrible obsessions in my brain for literal years that I needed therapy to get over, so now I just steer clear of anything like that at all for fear of triggering my ocd, even if it’s not spam and it’s the most well intended post.

16. do you like tag games?

Yes! Oversharing is my game!

17. do you like ask games?

Same as tag games, I find them really fun! The hardest part is just knowing who to tag and worrying about spamming my followers!

18. which of your mutuals do you think are tumblr famous?

All of them! I don’t know what really counts as ‘famous’ on this app, but I think as long as you have even one person following your work and something your followers know you for, you can feel pretty famous, I know I do sometimes.

19. do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

Nope!

20. tags?

All my usuals, @lifegaurd-hargrove85 @strangebrainrot @deardmvz @mediocre--writing and anybody who’s interested!

[woozi]

i agree how you described twt, sometimes everyone's just ready to fight it seems, i've genuinely had fun on both platforms at different times but now it's just too much on stan twt (no space for difference of opinion djsjdjj) it's good to know you're having fun as well :3 & omg i've seen few of my moots starting to give svt their attention after fallin flower dropped, everything abt it is <3333 the song, mv, choreo i love it.

hdjdjddkdjdj " virgos 😐 " also me in next breath "happy birthday mark :D i love you so much 🥺💕💗" any virgos reading this i really hope you enjoy your month to the fullest djjdjd <3. righttt?? you're correct abt mark's temper being very virgo djdjdkd.

your line screams hard-working people <3 jihoon, jaebeom, jeonghan the 3Js <3. isn't jaebeom also an infj? (i don't take mbtis seriously but at the same time it also makes me happy if it ends up matching someone i like djdjjd) chan & yugs 🥺 these two imo have the sweetest personality, like the one which makes you feel welcomed & they also have the cutest laugh 🥺.

i love jus2 <3 focus on me is one of my favorite kpop mvs of all time & also drunk on you??? i love this song so much, very sexy of them. the vibes, style and everything w/ their album, i want more songs like that. and for when i am feeling melancholy i need more songs like jjp's verse 2 😭💔 but i am also okay if they don't want to go back to these units bcoz everything so far they've been giving is just as great <33 ( maybe in future we'll get blessed w/ features 🥺)

honestly g7 as grp and individually have won me over with their music style, even if i don't like full album ik there will be 3-4 songs which will be exactly what i like to listen to, all of the music they've released individually i've liked it so much. there is this song of youngjae's, titled "i'm all ears" i had no idea of its existence until it popped up in my spotify i'm so glad it did, it's been in my playlist ever since. there was also a time when i was obsessed with jackson's 'on the rocks' djdjdk.

aww <3 the live performance video of 1° has mark as thumbnail so for long time i used to associate this song with him jdjddk. i think the only j*pe thing i'd miss is got7 studio live sessions 🥺. RIGHTJDKSKS aju nice's mv is very cute djjddk I love it, in reality its reverse tho, i see them and boom! 💖💛💗🤍💕💙

it was the year they won first bb*as award so that gave them the exposure, and no i don't follow them anymore. mixed feelings abt them, very negative feelings abt f*ndom fjdjdjd. i do miss what it used to feel like liking them sometimes. at that time i never thought i'll willingly drop them from my interest (i've stanned zayn since 2012 first him as grp member then solo. sometimes thinking abt it gives me a whiplash hddjks it's been 9 years, really thought it would be same with them too but it didn't happen)

i've had falling in love by yugs and in to you by jaebs on loop for days djdkdk i really love these two songs and also air by bammie <3 (i'm slow jams kinda person djdjdk :3)

(bam released the most fun album & title this year idc abt others, ribbon is one of the soty) also special mention of look so fine & running through the rain. yes! you do make sense they feel organic & very them.

exactly 😭 it's more believable when they drop stuff out of nowhere like encore 😭😭. the way youngjae posted his letter on twt too ddjjdkssk the announcement & release of encore is such a 'you just had to be there' situation the excitement, nervousness, confusion and everything 😭 sometimes i can't with them. also is the bibi with mark on ost, the same one you mentioned in last ask? the ost is really good <3, it must've been fun to see it happen (if its same bibi).

making a whole ass playlist just for me???? 😭😭😭🥺💗 yza you're so sweet nooooo 💖

and don't worry abt replying late jdjdkdjd i mean it, sometimes my friends text me after weeks and i'm am the same. it's really okay <3. i hope this week is treating you kindly, take care yza - 🪂

p.s ( just saw last post djjej) - it was me who manifested more bunny dino <3 manifesting even more <33

i was on stan twt during my younger years too and it was v fun and memorable to me ngl <3 idk what happened though.. it's evolved to be.. Something Else.. i still see a lot of good people there though 😭 and now that i'm in my Hag Era... idk it's just too fast for me now 😭 it's still my go-to place for updates though nothing can top twitter on that dept

and ms fallin flower.... i feel like everyone was blown away by it (based off of what i see carats when talk about it) and rightly so!! she SERVED. the looks too oh my god. it's another factor i look forward to and enjoy so much when i watch their performances!!

u know what? virgos 😐 indeed KJJKDFJKFDJKFDKJ i want to slander virgos today because it's their season and no one slanders them that often so <3 ABOUT MARK'S VIRGO TEMPER THOUGH... i know i've said i enjoy seeing it sm but whenever i think abt it i cant help but say that.. I Love His Temper <3 he doesn't get pissed off in a scary and douchebag-y way it seems so... contained?? IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT he punched an a/c though so that might not be the perfect word to describe him lmaoo <3

THE J TRINITY HFDJFJDJHDF BESTIE UR MIND IS SO!!!!!!!!!!! honestly... maybe it's the acts of service for me <3 JKDFKJFDKJFJKD i think this is just my eldest sister and savior syndrome speaking though kfjkdkjf ALSO OH MY GOD THE WAY U NOTICE THESE THINGS <3 THAT'S SO SEXIE OF U!!! and yes he used to be an infj!! there was an interview that's more recent wherein he mentioned that he's now an enfj though but i cant rmb which interview it's from :/ ALSO MOOD FKJJKGJGKF i dont believe in mbtis too but im just... a little obsessed w it for the fun of it all <3 and the way u described them </3 what if i tear up a little </3 I LOVE CHAN'S LAUGH SO MUCH BUT IM SO SOS O GLAD U BROUGHT UP YUGYEOM'S LAUGH??????????? IT'S NOT TALKED ABT ENOUGH LIKE...... HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! one of my bird moots said he sounded like a schoolboy in choir 😭😭😭😭😭😭

GOD UR TASTE!!!!!!! what if i start falling in l*ve a little :/ what then :/ focus on me was ahead of it's time and people fucking slept on THEM i cannot fucking believe this. this has to be some kind of sick joke 😭 ALSO HAVE U SEEN THE CHOREO FOR SENSES!!!!!!1 INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!! holy fuck!!!!!! sorry for the expletives but like.... holy SHIT they did THAT!!!!!!!! ALSO UR SO RIGHT </3 jjp verse 3 when... ALSO did u know i let go of the jjprojects url... thats the worst mistake of my life KDKJDSKJDSJK also agree wholeheartedly <3 i think they're all trying to find their footing this time around as soloists and im so proud of them for that!! i'll stand by my jus2 agenda though bc they're almost in the same company so maybe.. i might have hope left 😭

SO TRUE BESTIE!!! the same principle goes w svt for me as well <3 got7's such a flavorful group musically like... all of them have the capacity to go solo and they're still considered flops.. waht the fuck <3 ALSO OMG FJDKJFKFJD YOU'VE HEARD The Song!!!!!!!! maybe he'll be releasing something along those lines <3 esp now that he's supposedly coming w an album KJSJKDJSK on a similar note.. do u also listen to jamie (the other artist on the song) <3 NOO SHUT UP THIS CANNOT BE FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i was obsessed w on the rocks too 😭😭😭😭😭😭 IT WAS MY FAVORITE ON THE MIRRORS ALBUM HELLO??????????????????????????? im proposing to u rn

ok now i have to watch all the live vids again JKDSJKSJDKDSKJ ik keep saying 'ur so right', 'i agree', and 'so true bestie' but im gonna have to say this again bc i LOVE LOVE LOVE live sessions sm no matter the artist. i also just am a little partial to live bands in performances like that in general so JDJKKDSJDS

the way you're saying these cute things abt the svteenies.. </3 giving me heartache!!! i'd bully them though i can't coddle them anymore <3

not the fandom JKFDKJFDKJFDKJFKJF ok but i think it's mostly their younger fans tbh. it wasn't this bad before.. i also really liked bts during their debut days. their songs were really good!! i kind of lost interest though and couldn't really get into them although their songs slapped lol. my irls are still into them though so i still hear about them. 9 YEARS............................... wait oh my god it HAS BEEN a little over a decade since 1d was The Thing huh 😭 now i feel kinda old lmao. and i totally get that feeling </3 it really do be like that sometimes JKFDJKJKFD

you really ARE keeping up w the sevens oh my god how are you doing it!!!!!!!!!!! it's like getting svt content now at this point but more complicated bc u need to get the updates from different sources JDKJSDKJJSKD love ur song choices too <3

ALSO FULLY RELATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i saw bam's teasers... the aes was my cup of tea and THE HIGHLIGHT MEDLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't fucking get it out of my mind it's objectively one of the best things i've seen from kpop in 2021. i'm super impressed <3 love how abyss really supported bambam on this. they really went all in for him!!

I KNOW GKJDFJDK I GOT SUPER ???????/// DURING THE TIME EVERYONE THOUGHT THEY WERE DISBANDING LMAOOOO they pulled a move that's so unheard of though no one really expected That. i respect jaebeom so much for handling all the paperwork and shit behind the scenes it must've been HELL!! ALSO IT MEANT I CRIED FOR NOTHING THEN 😭😭😭 AND YES OH MY GOD IT'S THE SAME BIBI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SHOCK I HAD WHEN I SAW THE LIST????????????????????????? thought i was gonna black out like,,, mark,,, AND BIBI??????????????? she's fucking phenomenal how is she just a YEAR older than me.. INSANE!!! ... and i also thought jackson was gonna have an ost for this movie.. idk why it wasn't released though i didnt look into it :/

i had a rough few days so i'm not yet finished with the playlist (my laptop's Dead i am still trying to revive her and uni's starting soon 😭) but for the mean time, here's another one that some people from caratblr previously asked for JDSJKSDJ these are mostly english songs though its not my k-playlist KJDSKJSDJK

i do hope this week gets better!!! and i hope that you'll have a fun one too <3 thank u for being so patient w me 🥺 i just get so many messages and find the need to recharge FDKJDFJK

ALSO I FELT LIKE IT WAS U!!!!!! OH MY GOD, i even searched my blog for the word manifest but for some reason your ask didn't come up in the search so i didnt mention u in the tags so i wont misattribute if it ends up not being u 😭 thank u for manifesting this chan for me he's my little... hop hop now ig... 😭

[ironwoman359]

U for the fanfic author asks.

It is the next day, and I want to get a lot of writing done today, so once again, help me write! Send me some asks from the list, and I can’t answer until I’ve written three sentences in my wip! We’ll start with this one:

U. when did you start writing fanfic?

I started writing fanfic in 2016. I had joined tumblr so I could follow Udertale comics such as Aftertale and the Crayon Queen’s other work, Handplates, and some askblogs and AUs that I don’t even remember anymore. I was happily consuming content but not really interacting with anything (I’d never been in an online fandom before), and then @teffyjeffy created a week of fluffy sans prompts under the hashtag Cheer Up the Skeleton. Most people took the prompts as art prompts, but I decided that I was going to write something for them, and some of those little bits got upwards of 60 notes, which for a new blog with practically NO followers? Was pretty dang cool! (You can read those stories on my AO3 here if you want)

I only ended up writing two other stories for Undertale, a oneshot in second person and a chaptered fic with an oc that I will NEVER finish (and it’s what I cringe at the most when I look back on it), and then I kinda stopped using tumblr for awhile as I lost my Undertale hyperfixation, but that was the seed that got me started in fanfic. I’d gotten that taste of having people actually read your work, and around a year later after the release of Markiplier TV, decided to try and write an ego fanfic. I never finished that fic either (though you can still find it on my AO3 if you feel like it), but then something happened later that year that changed everything....Who Killed Markiplier came out. 

All of a sudden I was dusting off my barely used tumblr account to participate in the mystery. I wrote theory posts that gained real traction in the markiplier fandom, getting thousands of notes and granting me a sudden influx of new followers. I changed my url from an undertale one (I used to be @nabstablook-22....yes, really) to what it is now, and my blog became entirely focused on WKM and Mark’s other content. I started writing fanfic again, mostly about darkiplier and wilford warfstache (you can read the markiplier stuff I wrote here), and I realized “hey...I’m actually good at this.”

Then, when trying to delete a sideblog, I accidentally deleted my tumblr account. 

I had just passed 200 followers, and was devestated...not only by the loss of followers but by the lost of posts that I’d made on the blog! All my theory posts, all my fic, gone! But I’m nothing if not stubborn, and I made a new account as fast as I could so I could keep this url, and then I got to work. I messaged friends and mutuals to try and get as many followers back as I could, and I made posts calling for people who had reblogged my fics to send me links to those reblogs so that I could save them. I think there was maybe one story that didn’t get recovered, but I was able to find most of it again. And then, of course, some of my mutuals started reblogging....sanders sides content. 

The rest is history, lol, I caved just before Thanksgiving and binged the entire series, and I was instantly hooked. Before long I was writing Sanders Sides stories, and found that these characters were much more fun and interesting to write with than the egos I’d been writing.  I started Our Own Villain that December, wrote Burdens in January 2018, and around that time phased out of the markiplier community altogether. 

So yeah, TL;DR, I started in 2016 with Undertale, and I’m beyond grateful that you guys have stuck around with me to read what I have to share with you!

Make me write: writer asks

[mineofilms]

2020… My Life… Everything Else Is Just Blurry…

Where to begin… I have been a type 2 diabetic since 2013. I got diabetes from excessive partying/drinking, originally. I continued to behave like this till June 2020. Granted, I wasn’t going as hard, in general, over the years, but each year and hardship I found myself going back to those old vices more frequently.

When the pandemic struck SWFL my drinking went up about 400%. No joke. I trained 4 days on and drank the other 3 days, hard. I did that from March to late June.

I caught Covid-19 around June 26th. By July 11th I needed to be hospitalized for Diabetic Ketoacidosis (where the body produces excess blood acids; ketones. This occurs when there isn't enough insulin in the body. It can be triggered by infection or other illness.) & Pancreatitis (inflammation of the pancreas. It happens when digestive enzymes start digesting the pancreas itself.) I was in ICU for 36 hours and in the hospital for 5 days. I lost 21 lbs over that time.

3 days after I got home from the hospital, Macular Edema (blood vessels in the retina burst and bleed into the eyes), set in. That took about a month to heal only for Diabetic Retinopathy (those same blood vessels that burst heal and are inflamed).

Usually requires anti-inflammatory shots into the eye ball and laser surgery to burn away some of the excess scar tissue. These cost thousands of dollars without insurance, which I do not have. I have read that they can heal on their own, but it takes about 8-12 months. I am in month 4.

However, I actually cannot confirm if that statement about them healing on their own is actually true or not. Some notes in journals say yes while other, more creditable sites, say no. One must get treatment.

Now let me be clear that Covid-19 did not cause my Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis. My lack of proper care for my diabetes caused these. I was already in the yellow and when I got Covid-19 it just put me in the RED. I now, at this point, required medical care or I would die. Those are the facts about me getting Covid-19, my Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis…

Flash-Forward to now… I got my blood sugars down to near normal (high) levels. This means my blood sugar is still high, but for me, I used to walk around at 400. 500-600 is diabetic coma. 80-120 is considered normal. I walk around between 130-230, currently, fasted.

I have not had a drink since June 26th. I will never drink again. I can’t.

1) Alcohol has thoroughly ruined my adult life in all sorts of areas besides this. It got me sick to begin with among, other, things.

2) If I drink I could be back in the hospital with Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis, again.

3) I made a deal with GOD. If I have to live through this (I prayed to die that night) that I would never drink again.

What kind of dick lies to GOD lol? A decade ago I would have… I hated everything about the concept of GOD. Now, I have come to terms that if there is or there isn’t; it doesn’t matter. I value me, my beliefs. Why not carry myself with that respect. I do not need to tell or share my beliefs with others. I care not for such things.

I am solely worried about my mental, physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual health.

I did not quit drinking because of addiction issues or any of that business. I made the choice because if I didn’t my pancreas would fail and I would be dead in a few months. That is how bad my pancreas was… I do not see myself as someone that is doing all this for attention. I have barely even made mention of this whole story on my social media. I have told people in direct messages, but I do not post everything that is happening in my life on social media.

Granted this Tumblr account is considered social media, but I do not use it for that purpose. It is strictly for my BLOG entries. I do not follow people on Tumblr. I post, get my URL and share it that way. Its not in your face on Facebook or anything, but one can click the link and go read about the crazy things in my head.

Taking care of my mental, physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual health is a full time job in and of itself. Now, currently I cannot work. I can only drive during the day. I cannot see well enough to drive at night.

I have other medical issues stemming from this and it is quite the laundry list. However, I think I gave you all enough to think about.

I am back in great shape now. Since I quit drinking and got back from the hospital I went from 119 to 163 lbs. I have not been this big since 2012. Right before I believe my Diabetic State started. My strength is coming back with a vengeance too. I am putting up more weight than I have in nearly a decade.

I have had to make serious and big changes to EVERYTHING in my life.

My computer is now changed from dual 22 inch monitors to one 46 inch monitor. I have to make changes like this just to see well enough to do some things on the computer.

I am still very blind. My vision has decent days and some days I cannot see much of anything. I cannot see my phone without a magnifying glass. I just got my eyes looked at several times cause my power keeps shifting and now my current glasses setup does not exactly help much. My computer glasses are ok for this, but my normal bifocals are pretty useless.

However; I do feel like I can write a little bit more now. I have a few blogs I want to write and then go right back into the novel. This might be the only realistic possibility of me being able to work to earn my keep. Normal 9-5, Monday-Friday are out of the question, indefinitely.

Not only am I not well enough for the grind, physically. My mental health is very questionable. I have had issues for years now. I have had about 20 jobs in 15 years. I have done a real number on my mental health over the years. Always trying to do more, work harder than the next person so I can make that “good money” that some always throw in my face. I did the work. I put in the time, but only to be messed with. Yes, I have that sort of mental issue.

One tries to mess with me. Mess with the positive shit I am doing. I lose my head pretty quick. I have repeatedly demonstrated over the course of my life that I have no restraint at all when it comes to that feeling of being seriously fucked with and have them look at you like; “What are you gonna do about it?”

Well that is it… I always do something about it. Even when I know I shouldn’t. It is my worst impulsive trait that I cannot get a handle on. Ever since I was a kid. I wanna say. It started when I was 11 or so.

I have made huge strides in changing my life, my thinking and how I fit into the scheme of things. I have become more an introvert than an extrovert. Even before the pandemic I was going out less and less. Doing things less and less. It got to a point to where I only went out when I could drink and/or the band was playing. I was already becoming less social. So this is nothing overly drastic about that UNLESS you count Facebook activity.

I have not advertised much on my Facebook and for good reasons… I posted about my 6 months of sobriety and the responses I got were all about, pressing on and “the struggle.”

I pulled it down. There was no struggle here. I am not a keep on keepin’ on mannnnnn… Type of Personality… No… I quit drinking so I can live another 10-15, hopefully more, years.  I just went through a friend dying from literally drinking himself to death. I know what people go through with their addiction struggles. I have my own reservations about how I feel about said subject matter.

Needless to say I did not appreciate how people view me on Facebook. I no longer post blogs their either. I post here on tumblr and put a link on my Facebook if anyone wants to read. That is about it.

I know people do not read more than a handful of sentences that ends with a weird hashtag or snapchat handle. I get it. It is also my fault because I have not told the Facebook wall/timeline of my mental and medical conditions and struggles. I reserve those conversations to be personal.

So if you want to know stuff, then let us get personal. Pretty much that simple. I do not do FAKE FRIENDS…

I try to be transparent. In the past it was easy, but now everyone has an opinion that they call facts. I do not know how many people I blocked on Facebook for being so damn ignorant or attention seeking.

I know I do not do attention seeking things. When I write it is with intention to say something. I would say 1600+ words on these subjects merits a little more than “attention seeking” behavior…

Things are looking up. I have done soooooooooo much. With so very little and make it look like I have a lot and that everything is fine. No. God Damnit… Everything is not fine. I am kicking ass trying to make something fine but not everything. Everything will never be FINE… Not ever. However, I can strive for it. I can continue to put in that work and just ignore the dumb shit. Which I am becoming pretty good at. I am still me. I am still blunt. If I rough feathers that is just my way of getting those people away from me.

Goodbye 2020… You will never be forgotten and your mark has definitely been left…

2020… My Life… Everything Else Is Just Blurry… By David-Angelo Mineo Words 1,738  12/30/2020

[kanene-yaaay]

Patton has a secret ~

Kanene’s note: *read the speech I decide to write here* Hmm...

Caham.

*Throw away the paper* Is just a lot of fluff. Like... just fluff. No drama, no angst, no action, no adventure, maybe fiction, but a lot of fluff. :v

... I should try to write others genres... xDD

Warnings, fun facts, random things and stuff:

* Lee!Patton and Ler!Roman/Ler!Virgil (Just a itsy bitsy of Lee!Virgil and Lee!Roman).

* Hmmm… This is a Tickle-Fanfic! If you don’t like this kind of stuff, please look for another blog, there are plenty of amazing art in this site!! ‘u’).

* Something around 3500 words. -w-)b.

* Sorry for any spelling, pontuation and grammar mistakes! Any advice is very very welcome!

* My first Sanders Sides Tickle Fic finally translated!!! Yayyyyyyy!!! \0\ /0/ \0/ *jazz glitter hands*

* Here the fanfic in Portuguese (brazilian’s one!) ! Thankys for reading, my lollipops! Watch a fun video and drink hot chocolate water! Byeioo!~

                                  [~*~]

In fact, with how times Patton took care of the other three (and sometimes, five) members of the Mental Palace it could almost be seen as a hobby, a piece of his routine even. But he just could not help or stop himself from doing something when he knows to have in his own hands a world of possibilities for lighten up their, rainy or not, days and paint in their faces a smile, even when it was a light embarrassed one. This was a little something that worked as if he was brighten his own days.

And that reason was what it was so… strange to watch them turning the table.

In the days very after the conversation they had, followed by his room visit (think about that still giving bittersweet shivers down his spine), at least one time and for a few minutes in the day, all the spotlights switched to the quartet’s cat lover.

Just as this morning, when he was woken up by a battalion of cuteness and love consisted by fifteen puppies summoned and carefully deposited in his bed by Roman, who doesn’t waited much to yell an order to “ATAAAAAAAAACK!”. Leading an awake from an extremely confused Patton, which was immediately subdued by licks and small barks doesn’t taking long to rip out happy giggles and squeal from the one who wore cardigan.

Or, even like those random moments in the day when no one is around and Virgil feels absolutely comfortable to wrap him up in a calm, filled with more signification which words could archive, hug. That time when Patton controls himself to not squeak (too much) loud, especially on those others pieces of time when the aspect of Fight or Flight eventually ended up changing to canals with Patton’s favorites cartoons, claiming between (fake) annoyed murmurs that “There isn’t anything better on TV.”

And also, there was Logan. Oh, Lo… Maybe never before, except celebrations, had Patton received so many gifts. They went from interesting books to soothing songs playing in his room’s background, expressing all those feelings that so much confused the duo with the same glasses. Morality liked this approach equally. Most of the songs sang that everything would be okay.

In the end, even if all of it were… different, new, Patton couldn’t deny that loved every second of it.

And maybe it was for all these pampering, however he started to feel a bit freer to demonstrate a little more of him, little by little… For that reason (or maybe feeling?) that some days after all the new occurrences he found himself asking Roman to summon him a tablet. Sure, he summoned one by himself, albeit Roman’s conjurations have always been the ones that spilled the most amount and shiny details, creativity, wonderfully, coloring in the Mind Palace.

This was some weeks ago. Some fast, full of giggles and blush weeks since his very newest discovery on internet. May or may not the only one to blame for his full-sleep nights shrank in order to increase his searching time.

“Tickly Community”

Just thinking on these words already unleashed warm waves through all over his face as involuntary as his began of smile and that soft and cozy sensation intertwining his heart.

Tickles, he squirmed quickly, one of the purest and simplest way to show someone trust and affection. A normal activity to improve bonding, which some disliked and others loved.

And Patton knew very well in which group he was.

It was kind of an addiction, or even a fellow, as he preferred to imagine. Making itself present not only when he turned on the electronic device, but in any and every time of the day. It seemed like a little angel with cat ears and cute voice who liked to appear from absolutely nowhere to say how much every activity in the day would be incredibly better just adding a few pokes, squeezes and sweet, uncontrollable laughter here and there.

And don’t even get him started with the movies, cartoons and series, which, unfairly, insisted in dropping one (sometimes more) tickle scene when he was the least prepared as he could be. Patton swore that in these moments he lost all the control on his body: he always felt being ‘too much smiley’ (even when he brain ordered him to stay serious… Well, he always was more a heart guy than mind one, anyway), ‘too much agitated’, looking at the movie ‘too much’ and always ending up in a mental battle, posteriorly, to choose which one was his favorite (spoiler alert: He always picked all and re-watched them.)

His fingers typed the URL he already knew by heart, snuggling further on the couch as the links appeared in his face. The one in cardigan (since his onisie was washing) loved reading stories gravitated around this subject. The descriptions made imaginary fingers dance in each one of his tickle spots… or at least that ones he suppose that were his spots. It had been few years since activities like that didn’t happened with Thomas or in the Mind Palace, so the freckled side didn’t knew if he stilled susceptible as used to be. Uurg. Think about this made him sad, so, the moral side decided focus on the arts in the art ahead.

Maybe hours or minutes have passed. He couldn’t say, however he could confirm that watched something around three absolutely adorable tickle videos and was in his fifth story whe-

- OH PATTON, MY PATTON – The high pinch scream together with the little jump gave by the called as answer seemed to amuse the prince, his stunning smile increasing. – What are you watchin’? – He let himself fall in the furniture’s arm, close from where Patton’s head rested, leading to the other automatically turn off the tablet in a hurry.

- Oh, nothing, nothing. – The group’s father waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. – Just some new cakes recipes! Thomas overbought Crofter’s and I’m not fire, but I want to help burn the stock! – Both giggled.

- You looked very happy. – Virgil couldn’t stop himself from the grin growing in his face, proud when the representation of morality released his second scream in such a short time, seeing as he truly didn’t notice the second which the purple lover laid in the other corner of the couch. His eyes shined as he saw red spreading across Patton’s cheeks.

 “The world goes round.”

 - W-when d-did you- for a heartbeat of moment he shuffles in his own words, stumbling in the letters and almost losing himself, taking a second to his face stabilized in a smile and the words stopped falling out his mouth. A bothersome sensation showed in the stomach of the other two sides, realizing how much trained and good at controlling his feelings and expressions he was. Maybe they saw a little of themselves in the act. – You know how much I love appreciate this little things. – Smile.

- Ho ho!! – The resounding laughter from the royal side made itself present as he approached even close to Morality, ignoring any and every signification of ‘Personal Space’. – It sees that nuestro padre is hiding something. ~

Maybe it was the Lee Mood attacking, maybe it was for how that specific phrase had sounded immensely with thousands of the dialogues he had read and which still spinning around his mind; It could even be the playful way they were going. However, Patton could only continue giggling and squirming in attempts to dodge from Roman’s efforts to take the device in his hands, being pretty good at it, something that definitely annoyed the Creativity’s aspect, causing him to let out a exasperated snort.

- Any help, Stormcould?

- I thought princes were ‘self-sufficient’. – He made quotes with his fingers, probably a reference to some fight of them.

- Wha… And we are! Even more when people like you force us to do all the work! Come on, you want to see this too! Another hand here would be nice!

- Tch. Can’t. – Virgil clicked his tongue, irony pouring out his lips as he raised his hands. – I only have mine.

The angry expression from the prince comically mixed up with the euphoric Patton’s squeal, who jumped to a sitting position, moving with more facility closer to the one wearing a hoodie.

- Was that a pun?? – His eyes seemed like could bright the starts by the way they were shining. Virgil’s eyes widened, hiding in the hood while mumbled a ‘no’, half-annoyed, half-awkward and half-happy for be the one who put that smile in the other’s face.

- Ah há!! – The victorious expression quickly took place in Roman’s face as he got the tablet. – Great distraction, my gothic subject!

He clicked the ‘Turn on’ button.

- No! Wait!! – His voice possibly raised a little bit than normal, ora little shakier, or even desperate. Patton stretched quickly, seeking to retrieve the object. He didn’t really know how to explain the suddenly panic. He always dreamed in telling this secret to the others, but… Now this possibility was too… real. He was afraid, afraid that they found it weird, didn’t liked it, felt forced in some way or didn’t really understand his liking and interpret it wrong and… In just that millisecond, Patton feared about all of it and something else at the same time.

The duo looked alarmed, and this made he doubt the reason of his fear. They were his adorable kids, his famILY with eccentric likes just as him. His sons who took care of him. He felt silly, but it didn’t change the glares in his direction.

- Roman… - A light threatening started to take strength in Virgil’s tune.

-  Sure! Here you go, padre. – With a big flourish, he handed over the tablet. An apologetic smile in his features, a slightly deeper look in his glare. – I hope you to know that I was just messing with you! There is no greater honor than keep safe our secrets! - Winked, getting up, a hand resting in the chest while the other one gestured in a non-stop rhythm. – And, if is a matter of honor you can count on me to give my life into order to protect and safeguard it! – He bowed, holding Patton’s hand and kissing it, instantly dissolving the fear in the said aspect in an excited smile.

- Oh! Let me give back your kiss, then! – The moral side pulled from his pocket a Kisses�� candy bag, tossing it at Roman, who reflexively grabbed.

- Do you… Do you really have those on the pockets just for the dad joke?? – Virgil asked giving the question up as soon he saw Patton rolling his eyes, biting excitedly his tongue’s tip while shrugging.

- … No?

- They are really good! – The prince exclaimed, his voice muffled by the dozens candies he had put in his mouth and now was trying to chew. Patton felt a hand delicately hold his shoulder.

- You know we never would force you to share something you are not comfortable, right?

- Of course I do, kiddo. – The heart’s representation soothed his smile, deflecting his gaze to his lap, where the tablet calmly rested. The way both acted… so sweet and adorable…

He didn’t even knew of what he was afraid at the first place.

- But…no. – His words come out before anything stopped them. – I want to tell.

This automatically caught their attention, interest sparkling on their expressions. Sure that they were the most comprehensible as possible with the paternal aspect, however this didn’t change the flame of curiosity created by the situation in their minds, which was inflamed even more right now. Patton turned on the device.

- It’s a really silly thing… - Virgil lightly squeeze his shoulders in an encouraging way. Roman moved a little more closely and was gifted with the tablet, now unblock, being deposited on his hands. The words floated from Patton’s lips before his brain or fear could do something to stop them. – But I like tickling!

His speech come out fast and low, he raised up his eyes for a second before lowering them at equal speed and started to play with the cardigan’s tip between his fingers. Patton was a person of a lot of expressions and gestures and hops and joy, albeit this time he was just quiet, slightly embarrassed as the blush on his ears could say.

And happy. A relieved happiness for don’t need to hide anything anymore.

- Patton. – The one with glasses looked up, just to find Virgil struggling with a grin until he gave up on the battle, letting it take over his face. Patton lighted up with expectantly, feeling like he had putted a piece of his soul in the two aspects’ hands and asked ‘So…?’ – This is… - He shook almost imperceptibly his head, his voice took a softer tune, his smile gave away to a serious face. – There is no problem in liking this you know that, right? We will not going to judge you. – Virgil bitted a little his lip, the grin coming back. – To be honest this is…

- ADORABLE!! – Patton was thrown on the couch. Roman having jumped in him, his smile was stunning and his eyes twinkling dangerously. – ABSOLUTELY, INCREDIBLY, ADORABLY ADORABLE!

The cats lover just could giggle, ignoring the heat in his face growing up more and more as he spoke a couple of dad jokes. Virgil’s head appeared besides the prince’s shoulder, almost hided by it. He deposited the tablet on the coffee table, a dishonest smile shining as a sign warning dangerous. Patton felt a mix of anxiety and anticipation transforms to little butterflies in his stomach.

- Yes. Extremely cute.

He felt amazing.

- Oh, kiddos, it’s because of your influence! – Refuted. Half smile, half truth.

The dangerous spark in the pair of eyes seemed to sprawl even more as they stared him. Roman experimented to wriggle his fingers on his direction. Patton squirmed, a new wave of small, bouncing laughs escaping from his lips.

- It seems like our padre is full of giggles. ~ - He pretend to attack a couple of times, delighting himself with the squeaks and bubbling snorts that came as answers from the Morality’s representation.

A different squeal came out from Patton’s mouth, making the prince turn around just to see Virgil lightly tracing a finger in the other’s foot. There was a grin in his features. – I ask myself where they come from…

- V-virgihihihihil, deheheheheheahahar! Nahahahaha!

- I also question the same thing, my nebulous friend, BUT, not to worry! I bet the entire fabric is right here! - Patton followed Roman’s hands, which spin in some flourishes before reach his sides, light scratching they and leading another yelp to pour out from the cat lover, who could swear that he would melt with all the teasing.

- Ro, oh Ro! Pleheheheheheheheheheheasehehehehe! Roho, no teahahahahahasing!

- Don’t worry, padre! I shall help you with this awful case of endless cute laugh! – He squeezed his sides just some more times, increasing Patton’s struggling before lift his dancing fingers. -  The cure should somewhere around… - He started to move his fingers, quickly spidering up and down in all his ribs. Patton’s hands shouted to hold him, but he easily dodge them, taking the opportunity to give some special attention to the victim’s armpits. – Here!!

And then, when his laugh, real belly laugh, started to fill the air, it was only then when Patton began to realize that this wasn’t a dream. The joyful filled him almost as quickly as Roman scribble his fingers along his sides, raising to his upper ribs and staying there with softs circular motions, appreciating the snorts that interconnected the laughter from the other. Before he got tired and goes down, squeezing and poking every piece of ticklish skin he could research with the shirt raising a few inches from Patton’s fight.

- RO-ROHOHOH! NAHAhahaHAHA! P-pleAHAHAHAHAhahahaseHEHEHEheeee!!

-Oh, my my! It seems like someone can’t even form phrases without being an adorable mess of giggles and squeals!

Meanwhile, Virgil calmly danced his fingertips through the foot of the one in cardigan, tracing illogic standards, scratching his arc, suddenly increasing the speed (and, consequently, the laugh, yelps and snort stream from the moral side) as found the toes. It looks that don’t be visible to Patton’s eyes just made him incredible more ticklish.

- VIR-HIHIHIHIHIGIL!! nahahaHAHAHAHAHA THEre!! Virhihihihihgil – The purple one thought he couldn’t like even more of his name until hear that variation. His heart was melting with all the adorableness. Why didn’t they discovered that before?

- Yes, Patton? Can you repeat? I couldn’t understand with all your laugh!

- Who is the cutest and ticklish side in the Mind Palace? – Roman switched to his tummy, poking and scrabbling, fingers paying attention in every minimum inch achievable and analyzing which one gave the best reactions. Patton struggled, the belly laughter shaking his entire body as getting out. His arms hugged his sides in an attempt to not to stop the tickles. His face burned and the happiness were assuming shape of tears as they accumulated in his eyes’ corner, his smile seemed truly goes to an ear from another, lighting up the entire room. – You know who are, huh, my dear and adorable Patton? – Each world was a scribble in his navel.

- YOHOHOHOHOHOHOU TWOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! NHAHAHAHA!

- Wrong answer. ~ - Virgil refuted, and almost synchronized both attackers started to blow raspberries in his foot and belly. His laughter went silent for a moment.

- RO! VI! NAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! ITHIHIHIHIHIHIHIS ME! MEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! PleAHAHAHAHASEHEHE! NAHAHAhahhahahaha!

- I feel like he want to tell us something. – The representation of fear calmly commented as his fingers taking turns between squeeze knees and tights wasn’t leading the Morality to squeal, crackle, yelp and giggle almost at the same time, in a madness which the three loved. – But I just can’t get it, you know?

Patton thought he really, really know, the mean of ‘unbearable’, until Roman went, this time for real, to his armpits and Virgil reallocated himself to rest his thumbs on his waist.

And they attacked.

- NononononoNO! WahahahAHAHAHAHAHAIT!

He didn’t remembered if he screamed, or talked or even had some coherence. Suddenly all his muscles began to struggle and his laughter were faster, real and stronger than ever, among them also came shrieks, snorts and squeals until completely disappear. His thoughts were a mess. His eyes opened from time to time to take glimpses of Roman and Virgil’s affectionate smiles towards him. Tears flowed down his cheeks as joy materialized, a stunning joy, that one which made his head go side to side, up and down and a smile bigger than the Sun open in his face.

- STO-STOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHO-

They got the message, since in any moment before the father aspect got even closer to ask them to cease the attack, and quickly moved away. However, the duo could not stop themselves to appreciate the puddle of reminiscent giggles who was Patton, who now melted in the couch, letting the last laughter end. Wiped the tears and stared Roman and Virgil with the gratitude and happiness so easily to read in his face that made both aspects blush with the intensity, leading the purple lover hide in his hood and the prince smile more.

The moral side jumped, crushing them in a tight, sincere, and kind of clumsy hug due all them be sitting and with many words between the lines.

- Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!– His words comes out as fast as a machine gun, how he had breath for it even after all the tickling, no one really knew.

- You’re welcome, Padre! – Creativity’s representation lightly poked his sides, making him jump. – But be aware that your actions awaked up two insatiable tickle monsters!

Virgil just rolled his eyes. Patton released a fast giggle as answer, and for some reason, the purple felt all his ‘Fight or Flight’ instincts be activated. He squirmed a little in the hug, but the grip didn’t ease. The Morality’s voice came out a bit lower than the normal, but equally comprehensible.

- Oh, no, Roman… - It was like a purr from a feline before the attack. – You were the ones who did.

Logan left his room, having had a very satisfactory reading morning. Automatically screams and laughter entered in his ear field, his eyes lightly widened and he followed the sound, going to the Living Room just to find Roman and Virgil on the floor, Patton between them, his hands tickling both without mercy, leading the melodious sound (he had to admit) which were flying from their lips.

- Who are the two sides with shining and wonderful laughter who the tickle monster love to tickle tickle tickle tickle? – His tune was as a father talking with two babies. – They are you! Yesh yesh! Are you you you!

Logan pondered the situation. Patton was a reasonable person who loved everyone, so he more than possible would stop when realize they have had enough. Not to mention that he didn’t wanted take the risk to being pulled into the game or embarrassing the participants. Especially the one with hoodie, who still gradually getting used with the affection of the famILY and the prince, who sometimes let himself think that he needed to show himself the stronger and flawless figure that the ‘royalty must be’.

Realizing no real danger in the activity that his eyes analyzed, the logic aspect just stay long enough to decorate Virgil and Roman’s ticklish spots, since these could be a really future useful data, before backing to his room, suddenly remembering that there was another book on his shelf waiting for him.

[bxstiae]

Drops all my urls in here late as fuck :3c

[ @rejectgods / —– 🇸 🇪 🇳 🇩   🇦    🇺 🇷 🇱 ]           🇬​🇱​🇦​🇩​🇱​🇾​ 🇦​🇨​🇨​🇪​🇵​🇹​🇮​🇳​🇬​ 🇦​🇱​🇱​﹗

I cannot believe you are doing this to me Jorm. I love you man but. alright. I’m gonna do this differently than I would if it was just one URL. You have what… 5 blogs that I follow? Though I heard you were making another one. Anyway… On this post alone, I’ll give one paragraph per muse ( that I have seen you interact/post on ). That being said, when I get the chance, I will make a google doc for your muses and get a better in depth thing per muse. I’ll probably start on it when I wake up, but you gotta give me a bit okay.

Know this: I’m doing this because I appreciate you a lot. and you deserve to know how much I do. That and well holy hell, you cannot expect me not to say no to you like that when you say ‘drops all my urls.’

You KNOW that I will take that as a challenge & do it cause you said.

BTW: you weren’t late. You sent me that the same day that I posted it.

Lets start with Accelerator since you asked me on them –

Opinion on;

CHARACTER IN GENERAL: An asshole tbh. An Overpowered little shit. Okay. Really though, from what I’ve gotten though in the little stuff I’ve watched with you? THEY!!! ( honestly forgive me if I say he. I naturally tend to lean towards those pronouns even for nonbinary characters ) Anyway they are honestly a mood tbh. Just not giving a damn but also defending theose they care about. Definitely psychotic, but its okay, I suppose they are allowed to. Then again, we barely scraped the surface with ToAru so maybe I’ll wait until I know more.

HOW THEY PLAY THEM: I’ve only see a little bit of Accel, but from what I know? It’s really good! Then again, your prose in general is something I absolutely love. There is big of edge to Accel that’s different than the other muses too. Like I’m not saying they’re edgy - they just has something very specific to them that I like.  

Read more now cause I wrote an Essay for you.

Lets go with Lif first, cause that was the first blog I followed @ultaegrr –

CHARACTER: Cold, ruthless, unforgiving, spiteful.. Like honestly I feel like there are a lot of words to describe Lif, and yet, none of them really describe him. He’s a very complex character. Like VERY complex. I could give you my aspect of him but honestly, that can wait for the doc. Nonetheless, he is actually a character that I would get my grubby paws on to RP as. I probably won’t for the sake of my sanity but I do really have my own portrayal of him that I would want to try out.

YOUR PORTRAYAL: Given that your Lif is canon-exclded and not the Lif from the games, I can go into a rabbit hole with this one. I will not ( again, we will save for that doc ). I will only brush up on a few things. He’s by far my favourite out of your muses. Like of all of your muses, I would pick Lif as your best one. Your prose on him is my favourite from all your muses and I would be content with just following him ( and Kiran ). That being said, you know I would follow you anywhere anyway cause you’re my friend and I support your brand. Anyway, sorry but I’ll elaborate some other time.

Kiran is next cause honestly… Kiran @breidabllk

CHARACTER: I can’t really go into depth with them as they are like an OC? They aren’t really but its the player  of FEH. Each kiran is unique to the player. So don’t have much to say.

PORTRAYAL: honestly when I think of Kiran, I think of you. This is a loaded statement too, cause it can be meant in different ways. One way: I literally think of the summoner as your Kiran. Granted do I have my own crack Kiran? Yea, you know that. But honestly, the first thing I think of when I see the name is… yours. Like if somebody were to say who should I follow for the summoner, you would be the first person to come to mind. I have others as well but you’re the main one. The second way?: Kiran is you. You are Kiran. to a degree. Like??? I know they’re not. but at the same time, there are so many things about you two that are similar. But that’s why I think I love your Kiran so much. They’re so realistic. Like there is a part of you in them. It’s not just a character. They feel so tangible compared to other characters and I can’t describe it but it’s so… authentic.

Alfonse now because he’s a boi @valhoil—

CHARACTER: Honestly? Sorry to punch ya gut but. I didn’t like him. This was something different than me and Hector. Cause I didn’t CARE for hector. But Alfonse? I had experince with him already from playing FEH. and I just…. didn’t like him. I don’t know why. I think it was cause for me he was a bit of a child? But that’s not really it either. Something about him didn’t rub me the right way so I kinda just… ignored him a bit. I mean I didn’t completely ignore him cause he’s important to the story in B3 & B4. but you know what I mean. I just… was meh about him.

PORTRAYAL: Now this is where I go, yea you made me change my mind about Alfonse cause DAMN, I stan him now. I.. Really do. I will go on more into depth with him as well but again, we will refer to the doc on this one. I don’t want to sound like I’m repeating myself. I do have to say that the inner turmoil on him though is something that I support for character development. Definitely the main thing that I love about him. But more to come later.

I almost forgot about Grima.. cursed. but Grima @rotdivinity –

CHARACTER: FUCK YOU GRIMA. honestly though. I hate him as a character. I want nothing more from him than to die. Him/Her/them, whatever. That’s all you need to know for now. Grima needs to die.

PORTRAYAL: dear lord, I forgot about him but he’s definitely a favourite. From what we have discussed and talked about, you actually make me feel bad for him? Well that and your Grima is the reason why I made Emmeryn in the first place! Honestly though.. Your Grima is the only Grima I would ever want to follow and a part of me also wants to make a Naga cause of what we discussed. But you know I’d probably never make a Naga cause I don’t support her – at least from our discussions about Grima, I’ve come to despise Naga really. Lol cause I love Emm, and she loves Naga.

Okay, last one. Marth @exaltblade –

CHARACTER: I have a love/hate relationship with this tiara wearing bitch of a princess. There, that’s all you need to know.  

PORTRAYAL: can’t tell you cause you haven’t really done much with him yet. But from what I know, I am actually…. very VERY excited for him! I know you’ll do great.  

Now that I did those, let me finish the rest. I probably will elaborate more in the doc for you as well, but… you know.

The Mun: Jorm, I honestly…. don’t know where to start with you. We’ve known each other for what? 2 months? I mean I suppose longer, but we didn’t officially start talking until recently. But as you already know, I would do anything for you. We are so close to each other too! Like really?? I have never vibed so well with somebody so hard and fast. But with you I’m just like damn, I will absolutely do anything for you. I don’t know why? I really don’t but honest to the gods, I truly do care about you a lot. I love talking to you on the phone. I worry for you when you are being quiet. I know that I can be a bit too much sometimes, and I’m sorry for that, but you know that when I see your name, its like when I see Core’s name. I get excited and it makes my day. I hope you know that. And if you didn’t, well I am tell you now. :)

Do I:

RP with Them: Yea I do. Well I’d say I do, but you know Chrom is put on hold at the moment. That being said, we’ve done a LOT of plotting and discussion on a lot of things and on just about every muse too. So you may not always see the RPs but we do.

Want to RP with Them: Of course! Honestly, I don’t care for speed. We could never RP in our lives, but we talk about our muses all the time okay? and that alone makes me happy. But also yea I do want to RP. and I do, in fact, want to RP with Link. I just dont know how with Accel…  

What is my;

Overall Opinion: 

**NOTE: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty

[inexchangeforyoursoul]

Hello, hello, here’s my piece for the Halloween minibang organized in courtesy of the Chicken Tendies and Bacon Bits DabiHawks server~ and have the link to a more sensible reading experience (as t gets rid of formatting, too, and I’m lazy to put it all back in, at least for now): ao3

I was paired up with pineapple hair boy (dunno his url still rip) and our promt was haunted maze! \o/ I kinda included the other two we were gunning for, devil deal and ghost stories, so... multitasking, yo. Also put in my suggested fog, because as time passed, I realized how good it was even though I just put something into the box lmao

I’ll link pineapple’s accompanying piece as soon as they’re done with it, right here, in this line!! AND HERE IT IS!!!  👀

(Some of you may note... that I was supposed to be the artist. Well, it’s a long story, and likely on me tbh; I spent p much the entire week working on my piece, but I also started writing this one, and suggested doubling down on content, but unfortunately timetables are evil, and pineapple got mobbed enough as to likely run out of time if he also wanted to finish writing, so, um... yeah. This is not to say that we won’t do our original project, though, so stay tuned for the bonus round, hopefully soon! \[T]/)

(... also, I may or may not be considering to make this a full story, so there’s that)

Keigo trips for what feels like the millionth time on this way through the undergrowth- by day, the manor labyrinth is fairly easy to navigate, the kids frequenting it has kept it threadable. Nobody has legitimately tended to it for years, though. Or rather a decade, actually, it’s been a while he was here. Honestly, who cares, because--- oh, for fuck’s sake, more rose or blackberry or whatever vines to untangle his legs from. Great. Just… great.

He squints at his watch; still on time. Catching his breath after getting free surprisingly fast this time around, he takes a look at his surroundings. Not that he sees much, bear you. It’s near midnight and pitch dark. To top it off, the thick-ass fog often present, source: right damn here, has also crept into town. In fact, this is the worst it has gotten this year yet. There’s also barely anything he can hear from the dying-off autumn festival two streets and half an estate over.

It’s only him, his phone's flashlight, and the camera around his neck that also keeps getting caught in shit. That, and his own breathing that's getting his lungs numb from all the cool, wet air they are being exposed to.

Fooling around for so long has made him feel… antsy. Just a bit. The fact that his goal, that is to say the family crypt of the moneybags who used to live here is so close doesn’t help, either.

The entire plot is the stuff of local legends. The mansion is-was infamous for its… flammability, so to speak. Every few years, at least one room got totalled. Some believed that the last master had been a pyromaniac, up till the umpteenth house fire snuffed his line, and himself at the age of 60-something, out for good. But old folk said that the building had been ablaze just as frequently before his time- and truth to be told, there had been two more fires ever since, although those could have been the aforementioned kids or the occasional squatter. Two fires in about ten years is pretty normal in an abandoned place like this.

A few of those old people said the mansion had been built on hallowed grounds in their parents’ time, and the fires were punishment for disturbing the church ruins and the dead it used to house. Even fewer said the church must have been built on the very gates of hell and the ruins had kept the flames at bay.

And old geezer Giran in particular said that you could see the devil himself on the night when spirits roam free, around where the isolated belfry’s foundation stands still with walls crumbling- the place around which the crypts were erected on top of upturned graves. To be frank, the dude himself looked as if he escaped from hell, so what better myths to bust as an aspiring photographer? And even if the devil won't drag his ass outside, this will still make one hella Halloween photoshoot. He has loads of candles and some lampions in a backpack to get the mood right as well.

If anything remotely threatening pops up, though, like a mean stray dog… or a horde of drunk homeless, he's so ready to run for the hills, you have no idea.

He’s pricking his ears good as he closes in on the center of the once-upon large cemetery. One has to acknowledge the effort those rich bastards put into this dumb maze layout just to hide their own dead. It’s as if they feared a zombie apocalypse and concluded that they wouldn’t be able to get out if the hedges grow in a pattern, like, seriously. Then again, if the ‘horde of drunk homeless’ situation comes true, it will feel and work just the same, so who’s he to judge.

The scenery, too, is something to behold still. The entire area is surprisingly… not very foggy. One can see just as far as there is anything relevant to see, nothing more, nothing less. The waning moon even came out to play for a bit, shedding some decent light on his surroundings.

What catches his attention is not the excellent lighting to make photos, though, but rather someone sitting on the ruins of the old belfry, right under where the plump planet is working her magic.

He checks the display of his watch again- two past midnight. He’s late. Well, bummer… maybe next time.

That… guy, though? He doesn't look like any devil he knows of, but rather a human figure. One he also doesn't know of, actually. Which is remotely more interesting than Satan himself, because… that’s a goth silhouette if he’s ever seen one, and he’s seen all in town. All three of them.

They are a chill bunch, so he figures he might as well go up to this one. May be an acquaintance of Tokoyami and company’s who was also told about this spooky deal.

"Hey. Have you seen the midnight devil, or did he not get the memo this year?" He lifts a hand over his eyes to let him have a clearer look.

Just the way the other looks over to him, even while slouching quite a bit, is in a manner that’s nothing bar… uh… majestic, should be the word? Sublime? Yeah. That's peak cinematography. He’s… a bit at a loss of words here, because? People have waxed lyrical about the positively blessed relationship between him and sunlight, but this guy?? Has legitimately the most beautiful pair of eyes ever, period???

Before he could get too entranced by the sight of the sky blue pins of the overshadowed figure sitting between a moonlit sky and milky deep sea of mist, he notices that said eyes skim over him. Slowly, creeping down, and then up. Um…

Did… did he just check him out?

A hardly concealed grin can be heard out of his voice as he speaks up. “Hey there, angel."

… that's a yes.

This… coming from someone with eyes and a voice like… that, is actually… hm.

Like, look… he’s been looking forward college to maybe…  find someone he genuinely clicks with. But he has been through this immediate infatuation thing a hundred times already… and knows from experience that falling for mere potential is a grave mistake. What even are the chances that he’ll be the one? Put the aesthetic boner away and think rationally, Keigo. You don’t even know his name.

However, if, and IF he plays his cards well and this is not a total asshole… he could get both a photoshoot and a phone number out of this endeavor, which sounds like an excellent deal.

“Straight to the point, eh?” he acknowledges with a grin that's almost genuine. “Witching hour stuff aside, I don’t think I’ve seen you around…? A friend of Tokoyami’s?”

The other hops off the wall as he’s talking, stirring up some fog. Keigo could swear to hear absolutely nothing upon him hitting the ground. Must be the grass, but still, confirmed for cat. Not having to deal with the moon’s flare, he can now also tell that he’s about as old as expected.

The young man pauses to think for just a second before walking up to him. Nonchalance and weariness mingle in his steps.

“No, but I think I do know who you’re talking about. The kid with the raven.”

“Oh? Yeah, that’s him. Just visiting, then?” So he’s somewhat familiar with the area. Huh… how in hell did he never notice someone so obvious? Maybe he should come out here more often.

Also, is it just him, or did it get really cold all of a sudden?

“Him and his friends spend a lot of time here, I know enough. And yeah, something like that.”

As he stops in front of Keigo, an odd sensation trickles down his spinal cord, raising every hair on his nape. He’s had this once or twice when watching a legitimately good horror movie or catching a glimpse of an especially beautiful scene, or at least something very similar. It’s just the cold and being out in the middle of nowhere with a handsome stranger this time (which is kind of a combination of both), but still.

… this is not the time to be thinking ‘but what if he’s a serial killer and you are stuck out here with him alone’, brain. Thanks.

“Family business, gotcha.”

He’s onto something, because a certainly troubled look flashes over the hot--- the goth’s face as he reaches up to his own nape to rub away at it. “... yeah. That.”

The train of thought is seemingly swept out of the way after short consideration and his attention returns to Keigo. His neutral staring face is actually a little unnerving, no lie. “What about you, coming out here? Didn't quite catch what you first said.” He eyes him in a way similar to when he was sitting up on the wall, as if measuring him up.

“Oh, I wanted to take some photos,” Keigo starts, lifting the camera and the first candle he can grab from the bag, swinging it playfully around a few times with a smile to mask the nerve building up inside. “I figured it would be a nice opportunity even if the hearsay tale of the ~devil~ coming out at midnight was total humbug. This place is very atmospheric.”

What he says rouses a chuckle from the other. “Oh, so I wasn't imagining things. Been a while since I last heard that one.”

For someone deadpan he really has a cute smile. We are on a schedule here, but please never stop?

Keigo presses the tip of the candle into his cheek in contemplation, trying to steer his thoughts back on topic. “You mean, that local legend thing? I heard about it fairly recently… from the most suspect old dude." He rolls back and forth on his heels, watching out for reactions; "Giran, if the name is telling. But asking other old folks made them ring a bell, too, so I guess I was just ignorant.”

The other raises an eyebrow in amusement as the fading smile pulls into a smirk. "Maybe you are, a little bit."

Oh, come on. "Nobody is born cool, wise, or a folklore expert, okay…?" He pouts.

"I could already tell you were born without a trace of those things, alright."

"..."

He just said that. Looking him dead in the eyes.

Wow.

Dude's lucky his smile is cute, because that was so uncalled for and he's way too proud of himself. Sheesh. Anyway…

"Said the one who wouldn’t know manners if they hit him in the face…” He sighs. "Before we go down the name calling path, though… I’m Keigo." This was getting a little awkward without throwing it in, although he doubts the cocky asshole deserves it.

“Touya. My pleasure.”

Keigo hums as he moves to rummage through his stuff for the lighter he definitely threw in the bag before setting off. That’s not a very common name, but… “I think I’ve heard of you before…? Beats me where, though.” He’s pretty sure the conversation happened years ago by the crypt here, though.

Everything he says seems to amuse the other to no end. “It’s probably for the best. You seem like the type to run for the hills.”

Keigo gives him the side eye; being right aside, the hell is that supposed to mean…? And he’s so smug about it, too. About everything, really.

And no, it really wasn’t a line even remotely connected to serial killers, shut up, brain.

“Cryptic, are we?” he sighs, lighting the candle with a flickering click at last. The gentle flame sheds some dim, fog-broken light onto Touya’s face, and Keigo hates himself for being charmed by what he sees once more. That pale skin looks too perfect to be true… should feel like silk under one’s touch. If he ever gets a proper close-up look, he swears he’ll get a heart attack.

Touya blinks once, resetting his expression to nearly a default. “It's the two of us in a haunted, abandoned graveyard, inside a fog ridden maze, on the night after the 31st of October. You are basically begging to wind up dead. Coming off as cryptic and creepy as possible right now is elementary, angel.”

He… he legitimately can’t argue with that. The guy's almost as good at this as the bird kid is. “... touché.”

Stunned for words, he places his candle where planned instead. It's so stupid, but makes… so much sense. Is this why they all are like… that?

As he moves on like that without a word, Touya seems to get weirded out himself. "... You okay there?"

"I just had… an epiphany." He says, putting the first lampion with pinpoint precision. This guy just accidentally revealed some kind of arcane goth knowledge too advanced for him to begin to understand and doesn't even know it.

Touya heaves a deep sigh. "... you obviously got the wrong one out of that, but congratulations nonetheless."

“Maybe? I have not the foggiest what you were trying to imply.” He’s not that thick, but the dude’s being ~cryptic~ or whatever, and he’s not in the mood to write an essay on what edgy goths mean by what they say.

“Ah… figure that's why it's so clear out here this year… all the mist from the glade must have relocated to your head.” concluding that, Touya’s eyebrows pull closer upon seeing whatever else the blonde pulls out from his backpack while shooting a glare in his direction. “… what are those for?”

Keigo considers not answering at all, but decides against it. Being the bigger person by default is such a chore sometimes, but… “There’s some decent moonlight to work with, but these umbrellas help me get the little extra I need right where I want it. See?” With that, he turns the flashlight on and blinds the other with the sudden brightness.

“Ow, seriously?! I haven’t seen daylight in decades, turn that shit off…!”

… but, he can multitask and still be an asshole while answering the question. And laugh at the reaction, then laugh some more the decades comment as the other rubs his eyes, because he positively has the looks of a display-tanned indoor hermit. A hermit who is having a bad time.

“Wanna help, or would you rather brood somewhere the umbrellas won’t be able to reach you?”

A mechanical click can be heard in the distance; now that there’s no music playing in the streets, the bad (and always slightly ahead of time) clocktower bell can be heard signalling quarter past midnight. This seems to catch Touya’s attention and remind him of something as he stares into a nondescript spot for a while. At the very least, Keigo is certain he’s not thinking about the question that slipped out and which he will regret- if he says no, it’s gonna be the disappointment… if yes, then it’s because of all the things that will definitely go wrong.

“... well, it’s not as if I had no time to kill,” comes the apathetic answer a few seconds later, although the wrinkling eyebrows are telling of his misgivings regarding the idea.

“...”

Now, hold on… hold on, he may have an even worse idea that he’s definitely going to regret…

Keigo taps his pointing fingers against the camera anxiously. “Actually… say, what would it take for youuu… to be my model tonight?” He takes out his best puppy eyes as he looks over to him with the tiniest smile, blinking slowly.

It’s as if Touya had another light induced migraine immediately. He looks almost disgusted, which… is hilarious. “For that I'll take both your life savings and your soul.”

Keigo stifles both a giggle and a sigh at that, resulting in somewhat of a snort. He must be put off by those umbrellas quite a bit. "Really…? If that’s all, fine by me."

The answer brings back Touya to a much more reserved, if not vaguely sceptical stance. “You… sure are ready to jump the gun for that, huh.”

"Well I, too, am asking a bit much of you out of nowhere, aren’t I?” He asks, shrugging. “I figured it was worth asking, at the very least… you fit the mood a little too perfectly, one doesn’t get an opportunity like this every day. If all it takes is my birdie bank, that’s fine by me. … We can also talk about the soul part later if you want to.” It takes him every ounce of self restraint not to throw in a wink at the end.

“...” Touya stares in contemplation before taking a deep sigh and scratching his head. "Fine. I guess it’s going to be much less bothersome than posing for hours to have a portrait painted."

Keigo’s ears perk up at that. Like, a lot. "Y---you… there's a portrait?!"

Whaaa?!? A professional-ass painting, of him?? And, even more importantly, where?!?

"... I know what you're thinking of, and no, I have not the slightest idea. Who knows, maybe it even burned along with---" he cuts himself off right there. For the first time that night, he seems upset, or rather angry; whichever it may be is the strongest emotion the blonde has seen him display in these past minutes, affecting even him quite a bit. His hairs stand alert once more--- but the sentiment goes as it came, along with Touya’s stifled ire.

"... never mind. Let’s just… get on with this."

"..." He figures that being nosy would be straight-down rude, having just met and already asking for quite a bit… so he lets it slide as if nothing happened.

Keigo turns around to the lampion that he placed before the convo started.

Huh… that’s weird.

He doesn’t remember lighting it.

Overall, Touya seems to pay quite a bit of attention to what he's doing, visibly taking mental notes of the processes he goes through. First, it's a little embarrassing to be watched so closely, but eventually Keigo gets used to it and just does his thing. He soon finds himself in the zone, in fact. Hell knows how much time goes by as he keeps clicking away, barely even instructing, but rather just basking in whatever the other does, giving the okay to everything. He’s not even bothered by the bone cutting cold that’s now heightened by a breeze, because Touya seems to be a natural, and by god, does his presence do things to him. He’s had phases of architecture, mixed media with cutouts and shadow play, birds, and abandoned places, but this… this must be what finding a muse feels like.

When he's looking for the misplaced lighter for the hundredth time again, it's already shoved into his face.

"You should just keep this in your pocket, angel."

"Ah, thanks." He takes it, then turns to Touya sheepishly while pulling his jacket tighter as the light wind blows especially cold air down his collar. "I've been… stupidly quiet for a while. It must be really awkward, uh… am I really not bothering you?"

"It's fine. I like having the company."

Maybe his voice is softer than before… or maybe he’s just imagining things.

“I, uh--- same.” Keigo feels blood creeping to his face, so he quickly moves on; “I have enough of these candles left for like about one more location. Any ideas?”

It takes Touya only a second of consideration before he nods towards the belfry ruins.

He flashes a smile; “Gotcha.”

In barely 10 more minutes, Keigo is speeding through the hundreds (whoops?) of photos he’s taken, walking circles around the ruin. His breath hitches over the one where Touya looked directly into the camera right by the wall. He’s gonna frameit and putitonhiswardrobedoor andmmmakeit his ppphone wallpaper---

He can hear a chuckle behind him, and remembers that whoopsie daisy, he’s not alone. “You're pleased as punch over a few pictures… It’s adorable.”

Keigo gets red to the eartips this time around, realizing that he’s got that goofy-ass smile Rumi keeps teasing him for. Unfortunately for him, once it gets pointed out… it always sticks. “I’tsjustthat---…!! I… didn’t think I’d get such nice photos at all? Moody scenery is nice and easier to sell, but I prefer lived-in spaces and models, anything that feels alive. Especially when they’re so pret...ty. Patient.”

Someone kill him.

“...”

The thin eyebrows twitch the smallest amount and for a torturous, silent pause Keigo wishes for some kind of deity to strike him down and grant a merciful, immediate death.

“I suppose I’ve had a few years to put some patience practice under the belt.”

He fights the urge to run away crying. There’s no way anybody exists who wouldn’t see right through that… at least he gets to see that cute smile once more.

He forces one on, too. “... I can tell.”

The wind starts picking up, distracting the other. Touya takes a look up to the moon, which has made quite some progress on its route since they’ve been there. Then there’s three clicks echoing through the night, signalling that it’s nearing 1 a.m. “Well… you were babbling about showing me, too, so you better hurry. I don’t have much time left.”

Keigo snaps out of the shameful frustration only to be legitimately ashamed. “Oh… sorry, I… hadn’t even considered that you had other business tonight.” Shit. He just assumed he had all night, but Touya was just humoring him until he had other business.

The other shakes his head. “It’s no issue, just get your fidgety ass over here already.”

As he makes his way over to him, Keigo feels something grab onto his leg and the familiar itch of thorns scratching up skin through his jeans.

Fucking vines again.

He should have expected this, shouldn't he. As he stumbles forward, he sighs in immediate acceptance.

He would have never expected being caught, though.

Nor Touya’s hands being as cold as a frozen piece of meat that can be felt even through his jumper and jacket. His touch sends shivers down his spine, freezing him in surprise first; if the strap didn’t get caught around his arm, the camera would hit the ground as his hand loses its hold on it.

What he’s definitely not ready for, however, is the arctic chill radiating from every inch of Touya’s, the same icy presence that he’s been feeling ever since… since he got close.

The thing that makes him break into cold sweat and brings even the blood in his veins to a halt, however, is the pair of forget-me-nots staring into his soul from mere inches.

Those beautiful, blue eyes, that… that are glassy and clouded and definitely not… human.

His lips part, but the scream dies off in his throat.

The realization flashing in his eyes draws a lenient, gentle smile onto the pale face. “You’re slow, angel.”

Keigo's paralyzed in what he can only guess is sheer terror, his body's last resort in hopes that the threat will just leave if it's not interesting enough to investigate. His mind, however, is racing and panicked as his inevitable end leans in for the kill.

Fuck.

Fuck, he's… dead.

He's dead, he's dead, he's dead---

He’s dead.

At least, that’s what he remembers thinking before passing the fuck out… not knowing who exactly he was referring to anymore. Because he feels positively not alive when waking up on the belfry’s cold ground, on the patch of concrete that lay behind where the catafalque used to be, surrounded by what remained of the candles and lampions he had brought along, and some of the flowers that people decorate graves with.

The spot where everyone suspected a former hidden path… or another grave.

He turns around, because now he remembers where he last saw the name Touya- it’s barely legible, but there it is, crudely chiselled into the stone right above the grey ground.

At first he supposes that the cold, empty feeling that seeps through his entire being must be the nasty cold and pneumonia he gets after the deed. As the days go by, however… the shivers and cold sensation persist and his dreams are plagued by endless mazes, fires, and haunting, blue eyes all the time.

His second guess for the cause of it is lingering fear: on the camera, he finds creepy photos of himself lying in the grave once he gets better. When going through them all, he considers to delete the ones he took of the other or use them for digging, (there’s no fucking way he actually hung out with a ghost, is there?) but… they all pop up as vaguely distorted landscapes, with light spots where a pair of eyes may or may not be.

Having stared blankly for like an hour at the one he really liked back then, he throws the camera into the corner of his armchair and doesn’t touch it for weeks.

This carries on through winter, in spring, and he's convinced of how badly he fucked up when even in the suffocating summer heat he feels the veil of an icy embrace.

Once leaves start catching rust again, the chill makes his bones ache, much like they did after the encounter. And it only gets stronger by the day. He hasn't shown the pictures, developed or otherwise, to anyone. Somewhere down the line he figured… that he should just give him the photos and trade them back for his soul, because hell if that dementor did not help himself to it right along with the kiss he definitely got but doesn’t remember. Trauma alone cannot possibly cause this.

It's midnight again. This time, he's already there, waiting for the toll of the distant church bell they had fixed and reset sometime in spring. The autumn fog is as thick as ever.

His grip tightens on the envelope; deals like this are notoriously hard to break or undo. Hell, the guy agreed to have the photos taken, creating a nice little loophole. Whether he printed them, deleted them all or whatever might be a moot point.

… no. No, he can't start thinking about this right now, if he comes he'll get this thing annulled, get his damn soul back---

As the last gong dies off in the night, a pair of lean arms slink around his aching chest and pull him against a body so cold it's scalding his skin.

"Hello again, angel," greets the voice, sounding a hundred times sweeter than he remembers.

…

Or maybe… he'll just let him keep it forever.

[gendercensus]

A survey on the prevalence and pronunciation of the title Mx

I’ve run two surveys that focused on Mx in the past. One was in 2014 and had 118 responses, and the other was in 2016 and had 505 responses.

This one ran from 5th until 19th January 2019, and there were 3,204 responses, of which 3,179 were usable, meaning I deleted 25 responses that were abusive or obviously duplicates. Of the 3,179 that were usable, 579 were in the UK. (I single out the UK here because I’m in the UK and I’m particularly interested in collecting UK-specific data.)

The survey was promoted on Tumblr, Twitter, Mastodon, and /r/samplesize on Reddit. The promotional text that I wrote didn’t mention the title Mx at all, in an attempt to get more diverse points of view into the results.

Ultimately my goal was to find out how people are pronouncing Mx these days. I ran the first Mx pronunciation survey in 2014 because I kept seeing people condemning Mx on the basis of not knowing how to pronounce it, so I thought information about how it is most commonly pronounced might help. I’m curious to see if over time people are asking that question less and whether one pronunciation is becoming more popular than others.

Plus I figured it might be interesting to find out a bunch of other stuff along the way while I’m there quizzing you all anyway, so I collected information about

where people were raised and with which first spoken languages (so that people can compare the responses to all the other questions to this information and find out, for example, how Mx is pronounced in Australia or how often it’s on forms in the US vs. the UK)

gender

whether Mx is your title or you’ve just heard of it

how often you see Mx on forms

whether you think it’s gender-inclusive (anyone can use it) or gender-exclusive (nonbinary-specific title)

You can see the spreadsheet of responses and the associated tables and graphs here.

~

FAMILIARITY WITH MX

Here’s the ten countries whose participants are most familiar with Mx:

United Kingdom: 85.5%

France: 71.7% *

Australia: 71.6%

Finland: 70.4% *

Germany: 66.4%

United States: 65.9%

Ireland {Republic}: 65.5% *

Sweden: 61.8% *

Canada: 60.9%

Netherlands: 40.8% *

All countries had at least 27 responses. Countries with less than 100 responses are marked with an asterisk (*).

So at first I was like, “whaaaat, how is France more familiar with Mx than the US, even though the main language of France isn’t even English?” But France had only 53 respondents, compared to over 1,500 from the US, so I imagine there is some bias involved. People filling in the survey will notice that a lot of the questions are about Mx, and when at the end of the survey they’re prompted to share the survey URL they are more likely to do so if their title is Mx or they have friends whose titles are Mx.

So then I moved onto which participants had seen Mx on forms, and which countries they were from. Here’s the top 10 for “participants have seen Mx on English forms in the wild”:

United Kingdom: 36.7%

Ireland {Republic}: 21.7% *

Netherlands: 20.0% *

Canada: 18.0%

Australia: 17.0%

United States: 15.4%

Germany: 10.6%

Finland: 9.5% *

France: 7.3% *

Sweden: 4.5% *

Again, the asterisk (*) specifies that a country had under 100 respondents.

Someone from Australia said in the feedback box that Mx is on every government form, which I thought was excellent! It may not be surprising, since they were the first country to grant a passport with an X gender marker on it to someone who couldn’t be categorised as M or F, way back in 2011.

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PRONUNCIATION

I guess the thing you’re most interested in here is the way most people pronounce it, right? If you answered an earlier question by saying that you had heard of Mx, this question asked: “How do you personally pronounce Mx when you're speaking English?”

For this question it was possible to select multiple answers, and there was an “other” textbox. None of the “others” got more entries than the least chosen pre-written option (Mixture, 4, or 0.2%).

Mix: 25.5% (573 people)

Məx, with a schwa (ə, toneless vowel): 9.5%

I don't know: 8.0%

Em Ecks, spelling out M-X: 3.9%

Mux: 2.7%

Mex: 2.3%

Mixter: 1.1%

Mixture: 0.2%

In the UK the pronunciation varied from this significantly - Məx (the schwa option) was in the lead with 41%, though this percentage is lower than both previous surveys.

The spreadsheet goes into more detail on pronunciation, including chart for pronunciation in the 10 most popular first spoken languages, but to summarise: In the US go with Mix, and in the UK go with Məx (with a schwa).

This is the biggest survey I’ve seen on the pronunciation of Mx in the UK at least, with 506 participants in the UK taking part who had heard of the title, so this is probably the best we have to go on right now.

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MX AND GENDER

I did ask about gender in this survey, in quite a roundabout way. I wanted to group people into roughly three groups, while also acknowledging that gender is ridiculous and a lot of people who’d be categorised as cis and binary wouldn’t necessarily feel 100% their gender all the time.

Which of these statements is most true for you?

I'm a man/boy pretty much all the time

I'm a woman/girl pretty much all the time

Neither of the above options fully describes me

It was possible to check more than one box for this question, and several people did.

I then made a few comparisons between gender and other answers.

So we have some obvious details first. For example, of the people who said their title is always Mx, most people checked the “neither of the above” option (89%). And then there were more interesting details, such as that women and girls were significantly more likely than men and boys to use Mx for themselves “sometimes”. Could this be related to a few comments entered into the feedback box expressing discomfort with Mx because it sounds too much like Miss?

I learned that people who checked the “neither of the above” option for gender were the gender group most likely to have heard of Mx at 94%, and men/boys were least likely. Of the people who had not heard of Mx, men and boys made up over half. I’d love to suggest that men and boys are least likely to have heard of Mx in part because their privilege permits more obliviosity, but that would be pure speculation and possibly impure judgemental attitude and nothing more.

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INCLUSIVE VS. EXCLUSIVE

I asked participants whether they thought Mx was gender-inclusive (anyone of any gender can claim it) or gender-exclusive (generally used when addressing or referring to someone of a particular gender, denoting that gender).

Do you consider Mx to be a title that is gender-inclusive or gender-exclusive, generally speaking?

Gender-inclusive - anyone of any gender can claim it for themselves

Gender-exclusive - it's broadly a title for nonbinary people, in the same way that Mr is broadly a title for men and masculine people and Ms is a title for women and feminine people

I don't know

People whose titles were not Mx considered it to be a nonbinary title by a wide margin, but people whose titles were Mx considered it to be inclusive. This is interesting compared to several of the comments written into the feedback box, which I would paraphrase and roughly generalise into the following:

I’m cisgender and binary and I would really like to have a title that doesn’t express a gender, but I’m scared that it’s a nonbinary title and I don’t want to take it away from nonbinary people.

I’m nonbinary and my title is Mx and I wish some binary people would start using it because I would really like to be able to have a title that doesn’t cause dysphoria but also doesn’t out me as nonbinary.

That’s going entirely on what was typed into the feedback box, of course. There were many other diverse points of view, this was just a pattern that I saw while browsing. It’s possible that other comments were entered elsewhere in the form that I didn’t pick up on, too.

It might be interesting to note that of the people who only said they were men/boys, 14% said their title was sometimes or always Mx. For women/girls it’s 15%. Because of other biases I’ve mentioned above this is probably not representative of the general public, but it shows that binary people are using Mx for themselves in a gender-inclusive way, and over half of people who claim Mx think of it as an inclusive title, the most popular combination on this board:

When you split the inclusive/exclusive vote by nonbinary/binary participants instead of people claiming Mx, the results are much closer:

But again, nonbinary people are more likely to see the title as inclusive and less likely to see it as exclusive.

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NOTES

In most surveys I usually just ask whether or not someone lives in the UK, but this time I tried asking which country people lived in as a sort of experiment. I’m interested in collecting country-specific data for the much bigger annual survey, and I wanted to see how things might work out on a larger scale.

My hope was that enthusiastic people in other countries might be able to use the data specifically about their own country for their own cunning ends.

What I found was that lots of people said “I actually live in [location] but it wasn’t on the list” when [location] was a territory of another country that is probably culturally and linguistically very different from the governing nation. There were also a lot of people who complained about having to scroll too much to find their country (and language) on the list, so I’m sure there were many people who started to fill in the survey but then gave up and left no feedback.

The most popular country by a long way was the US with 49.6% of responses (1,567), and after that the number of people per country dwindled fast. Number 10 on the list, Finland, had only 27 responses (0.8%).

I think I will omit this question in the annual survey, and stick to “UK or not UK?”

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CONCLUSION

Mx is pronounced Mix or Məx, with a schwa.

More nonbinary people use it than men or women, but there are binary men and women using Mx in a gender-inclusive way and most people whose titles are Mx are pretty okay with that actually.

The UK are totally winning at adoption of and familiarity with Mx, followed by (eyeballing it) Australia and the Republic of Ireland.

Nonbinary people and people whose title is Mx are both more likely to consider the title to be gender-inclusive, open to anyone who wants to use it regardless of gender identity.

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CLOSING COMMENTS

Thank you everyone! Thank you for your honest and open answers, thank you for the interesting and helpful feedback comments (shoutout to the sweethearts who commented just to remind me to take regular breaks and to thank me for my hard work, ilu), and thank you for helping to boost the signal and get as many eyes on the survey form as possible. Without you, my survey and spreadsheet obsession would be 95.36% more boring. <3

So, this was kind of a warm-up. The past few weeks have been intense, and more intensity is coming, but I feel a bit more prepared for starting the 2019 survey. Hopefully I’ll be able to get started in a few weeks. Stay tuned...