#i did have a whole out of body experience reading that guy's wikipedia page before finding these tweets though

[buggachat]

btw, for anyone confused: Astruc confirmed that Joan's black cat is an OC and not based on a historical serial killer

[cinnamonest]

Albedo idol girl darling thoughts M A N I F E S T E D

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Well, to be entirely honest, he thinks the whole idol thing is a little dumb.

For someone like him, at least. He's a PhD student in his final semester, lots of work to be done and all that. So, you know, he's a responsible, accomplished adult. Not the kind of person who gets into "that stuff," as he calls it in his head.

Nor does he even know how he encountered it... He just takes the occasional break from work to mindlessly open whatever app first pops into his vision and scroll through the feed. He's never watched anything like it in his life, so he's not exactly sure why he gets recommended some idol girl thing, and even less sure why he taps it without really thinking. Probably one of those videos that gets recommended to everyone. Well, can't be that, it doesn't have that many views... Probably loosely connected to some video game he's searched before or something. He's familiar with idols and what they are, and the subculture surrounding them, but he's never really cared about it.

Honestly, it's kinda pathetic that a bunch of grown adult men get so obsessed over these girls, he thinks as he watches. He's seen the type. Lonely, asocial dudes, most definitely virgins whose only female attention in their entire life is their mother, well into adulthood with no real social group to speak of.

...Not that he's much better off, but he hasn't quite sunk down to their level. The only reason he doesn't talk to people much is because they're busy, and he's even busier. He managed to make a few friends in undergrad years. Well, study partners who mooched off his notes since he was one of the top students, but same idea. They were people he spoke to more than once, which is what constitutes a friend, right? And for the record, one time in high school a girl in his class said she liked his hair. He hasn't changed the way he wears it since. Whenever he's sad, he thinks about that compliment from 10+ years ago, and it makes him feel a little better. But now, he's constantly slammed with work and research.

And his acquaintances are also all busy. He sees notifications every now and then from social media he never checks. Everyone is getting married at this stage in life, both friends and even other PhD students in his department. Not that he's ever been invited to a wedding, he just overhears a lot of conversations, sees notifications of posts. And he will too, eventually. He just has to finish up his degree, and then... Meet a girl. Well, that's actually the second step, step one would be finding out how to go about meeting a girl. He's... Never done it before. Probably does not happen sitting in the research lab at 11:30 pm on YouTube. He's talked to one of the other PhD students who's a girl before. And only stutters sometimes. He was even able to look her in the face while he talked to her once. That's a good start.

Ok, so maybe he is a little bit pathetic, but not as bad as... These guys. Reading the comments of the video actually make him feel a little better about himself, because frankly, they're kinda wild. The worship and fawning over girls is one thing, but they even have timestamps referring to various members like "she's super cute here!" Or "you can kinda see her thigh at 3:12!" Etc etc. Yeesh, creepy. And they get into comment fights over who is the best member, as if it even matters. It's fascinating in a human-social-experiment sort of way, the manifestation of a subculture and how humans interact with each other. On and on it goes, hundreds of commenters. He pays more attention to the comments than the actual video, but the song is kinda catchy in that annoying sort of way, and the girls are cute, just kinda... The typical thing he'd expect from idol groups. But the building will close soon, so he taps back to home screen and swipes the app closed.

Unfortunately, the algorithm remembers.

And he's not certain why he clicks the next one either, the following day. The lunch breaks he takes are usually pretty rushed. Not that he has specific class times at his level of academia, but he likes to get his work done. He intentionally eats either a bit later or earlier than the lunch crowd to avoid crowds and interactions. Finds a nice secluded little table tucked away. So when he opens it back up, what do you know, several more videos get recommended. It's absent minded when he taps on one, the kind of numb-brained entertainment every modern person indulges in, videos you wouldn't really be interested in but just watch because they're there.

Ok, this is really creepy. These dudes have made compilation videos of close ups of each specific girl. It's the same group as the video he saw before, same little lewd costumes. Admittedly the girls are kinda cute. He can kinda understand the appeal. But he's not like those guys, he would never become like, obsessed with them.

The song is actually really catchy. The kind of mindlessly addictive, repetitive pop music that's the same four chords over and over, each song is so similar you can't really tell them apart, but it gets stuck in your head anyway. This group has... nine members. Who needs that many singers in one group? It's not like a band or anything, they all just sing and do their little choreography. Guess that's a form of talent, even though he doesn't really get it.

Some of the groups he sees in recommended videos are cute and wholesome, and while this group is cute too, there's a very... Blatantly intentional lewdness to their poses and costumes. A hypersexualized sort of cuteness. Clearly marketed at lonely losers who have nothing better to do with their time than obsess over a girl who will never even know they exist.

He taps another video.

So many compilations, yikes. He has to give the guys credit, they're insanely loyal to the individual member that they decide to fixate on. Oh, and they even make official figurines and posters for these girls, that's... Something.

And a few days later he can kinda recognize the girls. They have color themes, you know, identical costumes except each girl's is a different color. This lead one is red, this main backup is blue, etc etc. Lots of bright colors. Kinda hurts his eyes to be honest.

And he's seen compilations of every girl except... The pink one. The pink one is always kinda off to the side. Well, these groups do have their favoritism, there's apparently one or two lead singers in all of the major idol groups, and the rest are basically backups and dancers. Still, a lot of dudes get super devoted to the non-main girls. So yeah, he's never seen a compilation for the pink one... He can't always exactly remember which one is which but now he's seen enough to know the other girls' names. He's not sure what hers is though. So he googles it and gets the name.

Wonder why she doesn't have as many videos...? Oh, it's because she's the newest member. Only been around a few months. There's... A whole board dedicated to the group, which he's getting this information from. Wow, pathetic. What kind of person spends their free time browsing a forum for an idol group? Well, he's just doing it to find information, not for fun or anything. He was just curious. Now he knows and he can forget about it and never look at anything related to them again... after he types her name and group name into the YouTube search bar and checks the results out, that is.

Oh, so they do have some compilations for her, just not many. "(Name) thigh compilation." Fuck, these people have no limits to how creepy and pathetic they can get, he thinks... as he watches the video. Ok, admittedly there are some good thigh shots there. There's a comment. "At 4:26 you can see her panties." Pathetic. They're not wrong though. Just to be sure, you see, he tapped the timestamp, and you can, in fact, see them. Stripes. Cute.

But he still has to do his work. Can't get too invested in watching mindless videos all day. He's got a thesis to work on.

That makes him curious, though, he thinks as he goes about his research. Do these girls go to school? Do they like, skip college, or do they join some kind of performing arts school or...? So he googles it. He can remember the pink one's name now, so he just finds her Wikipedia page. Oh, so she joined right out of high school and has been in various groups ever since.

Wait, various groups? So she has more groups she's been in? What are those? Before he typed her name into the search along with the group name, but if he just searches her name he gets... A lot more content from earlier years. Huh. Didn't know some of them did group-hopping like that.

Still, no education. Must be all smiles and body and no brains. Guess that's all you really need. Yeah, looking at that whole act they do... All giggly and childish and lewd... She's probably not too bright. At least she's pretty and sings nice. And the thighs are rather good. Smooth looking. They have a sort of jiggle when she jumps up and down on stage. The thigh highs they make those girls wear have that nice little dip where the skin is compressed by the fabric. Like... right there at that closeup. He takes a screenshot.

It's readily available, he's already seen the video and knows the best parts, whereas searching for porn would take time. The sooner he can get the daily stress relief out of the way the sooner he can work on his thesis. So this way is faster. That's why he's jerking off to the thigh video and not taking the time to look for porn. Plus, it makes him cum faster. Which it probably shouldn't since it's just thighs, but... Probably has something to do with the tease of it all maybe. That makes sense.

Or maybe it's that cute little giggle he can hear at some parts. She smiles and jumps and spins and laughs.

...It makes him wonder what she'd look like crying. Scared. Whimpering. Covered in bruises and bite marks. The contrast between that state and the one on the screen. The process and the things he could do to get her from one to the other. Yeah, he realizes, it's that thought, rather than the happy giggling on video or tease aspect, that makes him cum.

He's aware that his... tastes... are a little on the fucked up side, but hey, there's plenty of bastards out there far worse than him.

One day he discovers she has social media platforms. He... Doesn't really have any. He doesn't have Twitter or Instagram or any of that but... He downloads the app and makes an account for each. Just to follow her. Ooh, they even have the option to get a notification every time she posts... That's good. Otherwise he might check too frequently. He sets a special sound effect for notifications for her socials. The first few times, you see, he would get super excited when his phone went off, only to be disappointed when it was just a work email. Thus, he made the separate sounds.

He wouldn't say he has a favorite, that sounds really cringey you know? He just... Likes her more than the others. ...Dammit, that's what a favorite is. Ok, maybe he has a favorite, that's not that bad. He's not obsessed. He hasn't bought any merchandise at all or anything, especially not member-specific merchandise. Which they do have, because he visited the store page for a while and spent all his willpower physically restraining himself from buying something. It's not that he's biased, he just thinks she's objectively better than the rest of the group. Which can be backed up with evidence, anyone with eyes could tell by watching the performances.

As to what specifically draws him to her... he's not certain, to be honest. Maybe it's because she's the least appreciated out of the group, new and all. The less popular one. Or maybe her personality... She seems so sweet, even though he knows it's probably just an act for the fans. Or maybe just those thighs. That's also a valid possibility.

He cracks and buys some of the merchandise. Only about $300 worth. But honestly, he gets more invested into just printing out pictures of you. Pasting them onto the wall above his desktop. It keeps him going when the nights are hard.

But he refrains from ever commenting on anything. Some of these losers are just... so embarrassing, he can't stomach the thought of being associated, even if it's just an anonymous comment online. It's still pretty... Distasteful. He still browses the boards every day. You're his lock screen now. And home screen. And also your solo is his ringtone. He only sets his phone on sound when he's alone at home, though, when he's at work he puts it on vibrate. He... doesn't want anyone hearing that. No offense. He has some appropriate amount of shame, unlike the other bastards.

And the girls probably know that most of their fans are these kind of loser men, right? She'd probably be surprised someone nearly graduating with a chemistry doctorate is sitting around watching these dumb videos. Is that more or less pathetic? He thinks less, hopefully.

In fact, the other fans kind of irritate him. They're really cringy and annoying and it gives him secondhand embarrassment. And something... Deeper. Something about seeing the comments upsets him on a visceral level. It's gross. Sure, he's grateful for the dudes who sit around and make a list of timestamps for upskirt shots and the like, but... It kinda bothers him, feeling like there's some other dude out there sitting around, watching these long videos with his gross eyes and recording the times of shots that get him off. It feels gross. But more like... A violation against you. Sure, your group is very blatantly sexualized and intentionally risque in clothing but... Still, it feels wrong for someone to go through and get to see all of that.

Well, someone else. It's ok for him, since he's not a gross degenerate like the rest of them. He does genuinely see himself as... Above them. You know how like, back in the day, how the nobles used to sit around and watch plays from the far back while the peasants gathered around the stage? It's like that. He's not a gross loser or a NEET or anything like that. He's got a life. Well... Not a social life, but he's doing better than them, at least he has a degree, and soon a higher degree, and a job. He has a lot of things they don't. Basic hygiene. Student loan debt. And uh... Well, he's probably more pleasant to interact with, at least he's not gonna be frothing at the mouth like an animal if he saw you in real life. He would certainly freeze up, but that's preferable, isn't it?

And one day there's a video circulating in the idol community - not that he's a part of it or anything, he just keeps getting the dumb videos and watching them for mindless entertainment - where some girl group had an attempted kidnapping. Not her group, but some other group. The video has gone viral. Some dude tried to rush the stage and pull one of the girls away. Apparently the cops found he had an obsession with her.

What an idiot. If you're gonna kidnap someone, put some effort in, jeez. It's not hard to figure out how to do it right.

If that were him, he wouldn't be that stupid, he'd just look for an interval where she's alone. They have those solo or breakout group songs where some of the girls are backstage, just get her then. Memorize the concert schedule, wear something over your face, chloroform her, and stuff her into something and walk right out. Easy.

....

He catches himself in the thought and realizes that might have been a bit creepy, but he was just thinking in terms of hypotheticals. If he was the kind of crazy to do that, that's what he'd do, that's all.

He's always enjoyed entertaining strategic thoughts, really. He's had a couple fantasies about how he would commit murders of this or that person before, and he's never murdered anyone, so thoughts don't lead to actions. He just... Really doesn't like those people, and the fantasies help him... Deal with it. He just likes to strategize about methods, and how he'd get away with it... Stuff like that. Actually, he's convinced it's a very normal thing, but no one wants to admit it. Everyone has detailed murder fantasies every now and then.

Which is why this is no different. He's just strategizing because it's fun. He has no intentions of doing anything for real. He just plans out the details like a game. And tells himself to just never think about it again.

Until one specific night that he's staring down at his screen. Lying in bed. He should be asleep, he needs to be up early tomorrow but... He's just checking to be sure he's reading this correctly. You're coming to his town? He wouldn't think so, since it's not too big, just your average college town. But still, you'll be right here, right in his general vicinity, not far away at all.

Not that he'd ever actually go to such an event. No way. He hates crowds with a passion. He hates loud environments even more. A concert is like his worst nightmare. Besides, knowing the general audience of your group, it'll be a bunch of sweaty NEET dudes who haven't showered in a month and haven't crawled out of their house in even longer. No thank you.

But.

That's when the thought pops back up. It's been a few months since that night he had that strategizing fantasy, and, well, he tried to forget it but... It kinda lingered in the back of his mind. And now it's back in full force.

He shrugs the idea off. It's crazy. He'd never actually do something like that. It was just a fantasy.

...But he could get away with it if he wanted to.

He's not scared or anything, no, he's confident in his strategizing. He knows he could. Totally. It's foolproof. There's no need to carry it out to know that, besides, what would he even do with you?

Well, he's pretty certain he does know what he would do with you. He's watched that thigh video maybe a hundred times now. And even if he won't admit it, he's jerked off to the exact same fantasy for like, several months.

He doesn't really... Think about it. Just kind of slips into subconscious actions. Autopilot. One click and well, there goes $400 on an amp case. His eyes gaze over the dimensions... And then there's your height on the Wikipedia page... Yeah... That should work. He gets it sent to the address a few doors down just in case, and snatches it from in front of their door, but he finds himself backpedaling. What the hell is he doing? He would never actually go through with this, what a waste of money... But he still opens it. Sets it beside his front door. Tests the wheels to make sure they work.

He knows how to make chloroform. He doesn't need YouTube tutorials (unlike a certain someone else), he knows exactly how to do it, even alternate methods besides the usual acetone and bleach combination - so long as you end up with the same chemical makeup, it's all the same. He just goes with the traditional way though... Doesn't really know why he does it. Just mutters as he stares down at the concoction wondering why he wasted his time... But he pauses before pouring it down the sink, and instead puts it in a container and keeps it on the counter. Your weight is on Wikipedia too. Taking into account your height and weight you would need about... Yeah, a very specific amount to knock you out for about three hours.

The concert day draws closer and closer and he can't sleep very well. His mind keeps running what-ifs. Just, hypothetically, what if he did go through with it? What then? What would he do long term? How would that all work out?

Well, you'd probably hate him for a while, right? But that changes. Stockholm syndrome sets in. He would know, he had to take Psych 101 back in undergrad, and the professor talked about it for a full 10 minutes, so he's basically an expert. It's been like, 7 years since then, but he still kinda remembers it. He remembers that it's supposed to set in at about 2 weeks, and solidify with time. If the captor is nice, that is, which he totally would be. ...Maybe not in bed, but most of the time. He would be nice to you, and you would start to like him. Besides, they said Stockholm syndrome set in faster if the abductor has good qualities, so, he could also reason with you, remind you that you're lucky you got abducted by someone with money - or, well, he will have money once he graduates! - and isn't some ugly gross slob. He's clean and neat. Sorta... He'll clean up all those dishes that have been sitting there a few days now, pick up all those clothes off the floor... Ok, now he's clean and neat. And, uh, what else would girls care about... He's smart. He's pretty sure he can say that with confidence, if nothing else.

Ok, so, it would work. He could... Keep you kinda... Tied up here... If you started complying within that two week period, he could get you up and walking before atrophy set in. You'd probably have to get used to the lifestyle... Right now he's kinda on a budget, but, he can get you things to keep you occupied... And so, yeah, it could work. It's simple, just keep you with him and isolated for a few weeks and uh, you'll transform into some kind of hypersexual obedient cumslut and never want to leave. That's... How Stockholm syndrome works right? Maybe he should have paid more attention in that class... Oh well. He never liked psychology.

So the day draws nearer and nearer and he starts really getting into the right... Headspace. It's a sort of manic state that he's in. Operating without really thinking, all inhibitions removed by simply refusing to think about it. He lets the subconscious take over and do all these little things to prepare, until finally that day is tomorrow. And then he kinda snaps back to full awareness and questions, again, what the hell is he doing? He can't just... Kidnap a person! Normal people don't do that... It's illegal, he'll get caught, it'll ruin his life and....

What life does he really have to ruin?

That's the thought that sort of solidifies the decision. He realizes why he's even on this path in the first place. Sure he's got a lot of academic accomplishments, but his life is... Rather empty. He doesn't really have anyone. Maybe that's why he's slowly become... Consumed by this obsession that yes, he's now willing to admit to himself is indeed an obsession. It's kinda slowly taken over his everyday life without him even noticing it was happening. He's... Kinda miserable. And very lonely. And... If nothing else... This one girl makes him feel kinda happy.

... Which is why he's going to go through with it.

And he slips back into autopilot, ends up standing outside the building. It's every bit as loud and headache-inducing as he knew it would be. Ugh. He can't wait to get out of here. If this doesn't work, well, he'll be forced to turn around. The plan is a very simple one, actually... Act like he's supposed to be there. And he does. Dresses in all black like stage technicians do, dragging his big amp case behind him, holding a bunch of cords from random things he grabbed in his house, and tries not to look nervous, keeps a neutral face and walks straight forward and... He slides right in. The security guards off to the side don't even bat an eye.

And then he has a moment of "well, I didn't expect to get this far." Pauses. So uh... what now? Well, probably should find you first. He memorized the setlist, so he knows when you'll be off... And alone. Right now there should be three of the girls backstage. It's pretty easy to find where you are, but he's paranoid that the amp case is too loud as he's dragging it around. It's necessary, though. And then, finally, he stumbles upon the room... Opens the door, half expecting to be immediately stopped, but... He can just kinda waltz right in here, some open backroom, a person here or there coming through, a lady that looks like a makeup artist doing something over there, and an actual, real tech guy over there... And over to the far back corner... Oh. That's you. He takes a moment to revel in the sight, unable to move or even breathe, and has to mentally prepare himself before moving forward. He's... Not sure exactly what to do at this point... It's kind of perfect, to be honest, there's no one around you, and you're right out of sight, where he could turn the corner and not be seen. But he's not sure how to... Approach? He thinks about it as he walks, but again, autopilot is on in his brain and he's just numbly walking forward. Does he just... Keep walking until he's right at you and just... Or...?

And a miracle happens. You hear someone coming and you turn and smile and ask are you the tech guy here to fix my mic? You point to the little microphone attached to your face. They told you someone would be coming to fix it before your next song. You presume that's him, since he's dressed in all black like all the other stage techs. He hesitates a moment, wide eyed, but then nods. Yeah, that's him, he says. His voice cracks when he says it. It's kinda cute.

You smile at him. It's wide and sweet and genuine and it almost makes him pass out on the spot. He has to swallow for a second before continuing.

But, uh, he can't do it right here he says, because fiddling with it could disrupt the uh, frequencies, cause that really shrill sound you hear sometimes. So, um, come over this way a sec, over in this dark corner of the studio conveniently out of the view of all people and security cameras. You don't know how any of that stuff works, so you trust him, it's his job after all. So you get up and straighten your little skirt out - wow those are even more revealing in person - and walk over it the dark corner where he's waiting and... it's the last thing you remember.

He does a quick look left and right to ensure no one saw you collapse in his arms, but sure enough, this area is empty. You fit into the amp case with ease. Just curl your body up and pop the lid on. Wait, can you... breathe in there? Well, it won't take long to get outside. He just rolls the case right out the door, right past the guards again, and no one stops him, no one suspects a thing. Puts the case in the backseat, opens the lid, does a quick check go make sure you're breathing alright. So he props it open by keeping a book in between the case and lid as he drives home.

Once he does get home, he just does the same thing he did before - close the lid, roll you into the elevator and up the stairs and into his place, looking back over his shoulder over and over. And once he gets you inside he just kinda... falls to his knees. Shivering. Disbelief. Because holy shit he actually did it. He actually went through with it and it worked. He sits there and stares at the case and - oh, fuck, gotta open it again for you to breathe. Actually, he might as well... take you out... when he first shoved you in, he was so high on adrenaline he didn't really process any of it, but now... he almost can't bring himself to take you out. That means he has to, like, touch you. He's gotta take a moment to mentally prepare for that. So he does. Deep breaths. And finally, with trembling hands, pulls you out, carries you on shakey legs over to the bed and sets you down.

You know, you're a lot... Smaller... Than you looked on screen. Sure, he knew your height and weight but... somehow you still seem so much smaller than he expected. That's good. Will make everything a lot easier, since you're easier to restrain. And your thighs. They're... so soft. This is so much better than the video. They're so... fleshy and warm in person. Perfect. And wow, that skirt thing is... scratchy. Actually, up close, that whole outfit thing you wear looks super uncomfortable. It probably is. ...Well, guess he now has a reason to take it off.

The rest of your skin is... also fleshy and soft. Warm. Your face... chest... stomach... everything. Your tits are really cute, too. It occurs to him that all those rabid commenters on all those boards and videos would probably kill to be him right now, pinching and squeezing at your nipples. He's seeing something they will never see. It gives him an ego boost, to be honest, makes him feel proud to get a sort of one-up on them. He gets you naked, but refrains from pulling your legs apart. He probably... wouldn't be able to control himself, and he's aiming for some self-control right now.

So he waits. Breathes deep. Restrains himself with every ounce of willpower he has. It occurs to him he has no fucking clue what he's gonna say to you. Unfortunately, that thought occurs to him as you're starting to twitch and mumble, so, he doesn't have too much time to think. Oh, fuck, you're not restrained... well, he bought some duct tape and handcuffs and blindfolds off of amazon too, so he quickly puts those in place as you're starting to wake up, and then finally, you come to full consciousness -- that telltale jerking at the restraints, the muffled little cry of confusion and fear. It's kinda hot to be honest. Well, fuck, very hot actually. You're so scared. It gives him a rush of power. Said rush goes straight to his dick.

He's got a mixed twist of guilt and arousal at the whole thing, but... he's still trying to have some self control... and if you start begging and pleading and crying, it would be too much. Oh, no, not that it would be too much in terms of guilt, no no, just that he wouldn't be able to stop himself from fucking you if he sees you cry. So he leaves the restraints on for now, so he can't see your face emote.

Then, he does something really, really mean. He knows it's cruel, honestly, it's just... so cute. What that is, is that he does nothing. Says nothing. He goes about his work, typing away, knowing you can hear, but doesn't say a word. He knows you're awake, he just wants to see how long you can sit there scared out of your mind before you finally make another noise to draw his attention. Right now, he thinks, you're probably debating, you're probably questioning whether you should keep quiet and make him think you're still out or make a noise... but eventually you will. He can see you trembling. You're probably thinking so many horrible things right now, wondering what will happen, what he'll do to you... it fills him with a sort of sadistic glee that overrides the guilt it comes along with. Sure, the guilt is there, but fuck, he could almost cum just watching you shiver, and that's more important.

And you finally make a noise. A little whimper. He stops typing, and swears he sees you tense when he does. And when he stands up, walks over to you (making sure to stomp hard and walk slow for extra effect, watching the way you curl in on yourself with each step he takes), and stops right in front of you. Finally, tells you not to scream. He's gonna give you water, ok? You nod. And, surprisingly, you don't make any move to scream or anything, you let him give it to you. You don't move a muscle besides your shaking and sucking the straw and swallowing the water. You must be really scared of him. He knows that's technically not what he should want, but... it feels nice.

He spent that time of silence coming up with what to say to you. He says that for now, you're going to stay right here. Don't ask questions. Don't make any attempt to escape. If you really need something, tap the headboard until he hears. Understand?

You're... Surprisingly receptive. You give a twitchy smile and stammer out an o-okay. He's almost pleased, but quickly realizes what you're doing.

You've been trained for this, you see. This kind of thing is attempted rather frequently in the industry. You received training for this situation - comply, don't fight, prioritize your safety, because in 99% of these cases, the missing idol is found and recovered within 48 hours. So you do what you were told to do -- smile, pretend you're ok with it, don't do anything to anger your captor.

He knows that too. He doesn't do much in that 48 hours, in fact, he even tells you he's waiting to "see what happens." He knows he can't control himself very well, so he stays in his living room for the most part and works on research, it might be pointless if he's in jail a few hours from now, but oh well. Sleeps on his couch. He offers to feed you, but you say you don't feel good. He understands.

See, in his mind, if he gets to fuck you once or twice and then be hauled off to prison and never touch you again, well, that would be actual, literal torture, so much so that never fucking you at all would be more bearable. So that's why he forces himself to wait now. He feels like he can't breathe, he's so nervous, like any moment police are going to come knocking on his door. Every little sound makes him jump. He can't sleep.

But 48 hours pass and... nothing happens.

He breathes a bit easier. Finally dares to go online, which he's been avoiding, and check on your situation... Oh, wow, social media has exploded over your disappearance. But... They have no leads. Nothing. Says she basically vanished out of thin air. Situation is, quote, "looking hopeless." Huh. He did an even better job than he thought he did. There's videos from loved ones begging the captor to let the girl go, offering to give him money even. A lot of money. But, you're more valuable than any monetary measurements could ever conceive. And he's happy. It really worked out. Everything went right, and for once, he has something that really, really makes him happy.

Likewise, the 48 hours are even more torturous for you. You start out telling yourself it'll be fine. Hopeful. But that hope in your chest slowly, gradually dies out as you realize you've hit the 48-hour mark. Even for a normal missing person, you've always heard that if they don't find them within 48 hours... the chances of ever finding them goes down significantly. But, that's because they're usually dead, right? And this guy won't kill you, so, your chances are better, right...?

He comes back after that 48 hours and finally, for the first time since you woke up, crawls onto the bed, touches you, grabs your hips with his hands. Tells you that, well, they haven't found anything yet and it looks like they aren't going to, so you're officially his now, and he's no longer worried. You should accept it. It'll make things easier for both of you if you do. You'll get adjusted in no time, you'll see.

Unsurprisingly, you're a bit less compliant than you were when you had hope. You whimper and and struggle, but it's really weak. So much so it's cute. You ask who he is. No one important, he says. Just... A fan of yours. You can hear clothes shuffling. He doesn't waste time, he's already waited two whole days suffering, so he gets his dick in you pretty quickly. Manages to make you cum. It horrifies you and kinda surprises him too to be honest. You must kinda like pain, huh. Well, that works out well.

As time goes on, what hope you had left dies completely. Weeks pass. You realize they're not coming for you. In an attempt to get you to accept it, he even shows you that you've been replaced. They're rather quick to fix the absence. They have a new girl in your spot by the end of the month. He quickly realizes maybe he shouldn't have told you, from the way your face falls and you get all hysterical. Sorry. It's the way the industry is. Don't worry. She's not even half as cute as you.

He shows you the announcement when they close the investigation, too. This also earns a rather hysterical response, but he thinks it's important you see it, so you can finally come to terms with your fate, the way things were always meant to turn out. He gets a bit frustrated. Just accept it. It's not that hard. The sooner you do, the happier you'll be. It's for your own good that you accept it.

And you do. Try as you might. You begin to make conversation. He's the only source of interaction you have. You learn about him and his life. You become invested in it. You start to cum more easily. When he's sitting on the opposite side of the bed typing away, you find yourself slowly wiggling your way over and pressing yourself against the warmth, and he certainly doesn't mind. You ask him about his research just to hear a voice talk.

And sometimes you sing. It's absent minded, soft and quiet, when you have nothing else to do. He likes that a lot. You get sweeter. Nicer. Fight less. It does take a bit longer than two weeks to set in fully. But it does in the end.

He can't be with you 24/7, as much as he would like to be, so sometimes he has to tell you to just hang on a little while. Be good and sit still for just a bit. He'll be back soon. Just give him an hour. You're just really distracting and, well, his progress report is due tomorrow morning.

And you keep getting upset over the new member, bring it up a lot... It must have really bothered you, huh. Well, don't feel bad about being replaced. To him, nothing could ever replace you... you're still his favorite.

[imaginaryelle]

Wei Wuxian, Mutism and Non-Verbal Communication

I am making a fresh post because I’ve been having issues with asks and especially read mores in asks, and this post is definitely going to require that. So. (edit: this is now also available to read on AO3!)

@tamyourue​​​ asked:

For the prompt request thingy - I'm a Sign nerd, and I've read quite a few mute!lwj, which is not that surprising. But what about a mute!wwx? I think it would be interesting to explore that with the way his family and lwj would handle it, if he was either born this way or acquired a disability later in life. How would HE handle it, being such a lively and talkative person? I planned on writing a fic of the sort but you do awesome meta, and another person's pov would be really fascinating to me.

Thank very much for asking! This immediately grabbed my brain and yanked me face-first into headcanons and possibility permutations. I’m going to try to focus on something more meta-style since you mention that (and aw <3 thank you! I have lots of fun writing my meta so I’m glad you like it!), but if you write fic on this topic I would love to see it. I am 100% certain you know more about sign language than me (I know very little but this whole thing has rekindled my interest in learning, if you have suggestions for resources!) so please do correct me if I make some erroneous statements or assumptions here. Also, I feel like I should note here that I got a little carried away (this is ~7k folks) and some of the things here are probably ideas you’ve already thought about as general concepts of non-verbal communication. I’ve included them anyway because they helped me process all my other thoughts. As always, I welcome additional input on my meta.

Okay so first off, I did some research, because I love research. (Possibly this should go without saying, and I’m sure you yourself already know this, but just in case, for general context and because this is a public post: I do think it’s important to treat things like this—any form of disability or illness or othering—with respect for the real life people who deal with it every day. Let’s not romanticize these things, right? Or just use it to woobify or infantilize characters or write disability tragedy porn? And let’s do make sure we’re doing our research and consuming media (essays, blog posts, videos, etc) created by those people about their experience? Good? Good.) Some non-comprehensive sources I consulted:

This masterlist of resources (includes deaf, mute and blind character writing resources compiled from real life experiences—trigger warning on the “21 People Reveal” link: trauma, depression, rape mention)

This I Am Mute AMA on reddit

This British Psychological Society Research Digest on adults who experience selective mutism (in their own words)

Wikipedia’s Mutism page (I promise the link is there), which lists various conditions that can lead to someone not being able to speak

I also attempted to research a bit about the history of sign language in China, but most of what I found was either comparison to ASL (here’s a video on family terms) or the fact that there are two different sign languages: a literary sign language that reflects written Chinese, and a natural sign language. Also most of what I found was focused more on the Deaf community. The history of mute people in China turned up even fewer results, unfortunately, so if anyone knows good sources for that, let me know!

Jumping off all of that, things that matter for writing a Wei Wuxian who is mute: is Wei Wuxian the only mute person he knows? Are there other mute or deaf people around who use any kind of sign language? When did he become mute? How? Is it physical or psychological? Full-on cannot speak at all or selective based on environment? And is this more novel-verse, or more drama-based? (This meta is going to reference the drama more than the novel, primarily because we get to see body language and some relationships are more fleshed out, but I believe most points should work for both canons.) Questions to be answered on an individual fic basis, of course, but let’s consider some possibilities.

Character-wise, one of the biggest things here for me is that Wei Wuxian hates being ignored. It’s not exactly that he needs to be the center of attention at every single moment, but he’s a showman. Even if the protagonist of the story was someone else, he’d still be there, attracting attention and calling people out on unfairness and generally being that combination of nuisance and talented genius that we love. And he already lives in a world where he can be silenced and isolated—people drown him out, talk over him and dismiss him on a regular basis in canon, and of course there’s the Lan Clan silencing spell.

Multiple people (especially various Jin family members, but also Madam Yu and a few others) use social class and rumor and perceptions of power to shut him down throughout the story, even though he is entirely capable of speaking and often doesn’t keep quiet when it might be beneficial for him to do so. Being mute is only going to exaggerate that ability for others to disregard him, but he’s still going to be that dramatic, fiercely opinionated guy, even if he can’t communicate verbally. He tries to talk through the silencing spell practically every time it’s put on him as it is (and really, what is the Lan Clan going to do to him if he already can’t speak? That spell now becomes a totally useless punishment for him). He’s still going to disrupt Lan Qiren’s class and volunteer to show off and make noise and draw attention to himself. He might be ignored more easily, and consequently get frustrated more often, but he’s still going to do it, because being dutifully silent or nonreactive for more than a single conversation pretty much means just not being Wei Wuxian. So how does he communicate?

I do think it matters here, when he becomes mute and whether it’s selective or not. If he’s born unable to speak, or develops muteness in early childhood (say, after his parents die but before Jiang Fengmian takes him in), I think he’d develop his methods of communication in different ways than if it were to happen later. In the case of childhood mutism I think he’s more likely to use (or develop) actual sign language, and to depend on other people (such as his siblings) to speak aloud for him in some situations. I mostly base that on 1) the trust-building between him, Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli in those early-life flashbacks 2) how much more often he talks to merchants than anyone else (more on that later) and 3) how much nonverbal communication he uses already (it’s a lot. He’s very expressive). If he becomes mute as a teen or adult, I think he’ll deal with a lot more like he deals with the loss of his golden core: deflection of worry, insistence on independence as much as possible, and lots of inventive solutions (but still lots of body language, of course).

Okay, with those trends in mind, here are some general possibilities (in no particular order) that mix real world tactics and mdzs setting specifics and can be applied to a variety of situations:

1. As mentioned above, he might use expressions, body language, generally understood gestures or actions. Wei Wuxian tends to be pretty physically expressive in canon already, so this is likely to be his first instinct when he reaches for communication tools. Let’s look at another silencing spell gif.

Wei Wuxian is extremely expressive every time this is used on him. He makes faces. He waves his arms. He stomps and grabs at people. Where other people hit with this technique frown and look confused and touch their lips or neck, Wei Wuxian complains. He pouts. He makes a production out of how much he hates it. His moods, in general, tend to involve his entire body. So I take that as pretty strong evidence that gestures, facial expressions and miming are going to play a pretty big role in his communication style. Here is a fun youtube video for CSL of the Tortoise and the Hare story, which I think has bearing on how much he could get away with just using his face and miming. Making faces and grabbing Lan Wangji’s wrist or sleeve isn’t going to change here, and he might in fact get even handsier, if that’s possible. As a cultivator, Wei Wuxian would have access to a level of physical adroitness that most people don’t, which could also tie in to how he uses his body to communicate. In general, these are things that are going to make it difficult for him to hide his identity after his resurrection if he’s mute beforehand, but they help a lot with conveying basic ideas so they’re definitely going to be involved somehow, no matter what else he does. Something of a contrast to stories about Lan Wangji and muteness, perhaps.

2. He might communicate through his siblings/other people. Jin Zixuan gets by with saying extremely little because he almost always has other people around who are more than willing to speak for him. Jiang Cheng, pre-Sunshot Campaign, does some of the same (he’s so surprised to be called on and have to speak for himself during that first victory banquet), and of course we sometimes see this play out between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian in canon already: Wei Wuxian will voice things that Lan Wangji is feeling or agrees with, but is unwilling to actually say. So it’s conceivable that Wei Wuxian could get a lot of communication done by having his siblings or close friends (depending on where in the timeline the story takes place) speak for him, as he communicated with them via some other method (at its most basic just an understanding of his pov and what he would want to say, extending into body language, personal signs or sign language, notes, etc.). The best candidate for this is going to be Jiang Yanli, as we do see her stand up and speak for him in drama canon, when people start questioning whether their being alone together is appropriate. I think Jiang Cheng would do his best, but he’d also be inconsistent about it sometimes in situations where he didn’t think it was important or didn’t agree with Wei Wuxian, because he can be a moody dick when he wants to be and he’s not that great at talking himself. I forsee lots of brotherly shoulder punches and slaps upside the head. So many. More than usual. Jiang Fengmian might do a little, as might other Jiang Clan disciples (they certainly seem to like Wei Wuxian well enough to try).

As you might be able to tell, I think this method of communication is much more likely to be used if he’s mute while growing up. If he’s injured as an adult, or loses the ability to speak after he’s resurrected, he’s going to have to build all this context from scratch and it’s going to be much more difficult for this method to work smoothly. It could still work to a certain extent, but it probably won’t be as fluid. On the other hand, if Wei Wuxian was mute as a child, he’d likely be almost immediately recognizable to anyone who regularly interacted with him before his death, especially in the drama, where he has the same body. Jiang Cheng won’t have a moment of doubt when Zidian fails to banish Wei Wuxian’s invading spirit from Mo Xuanyu’s body, because he’ll have had that particular flick of two fingers or turn of a hand with accompanying scowl, etc., acted out in front of him every day for over a decade, and Wei Wuxian will have a much more difficult time hiding that, because it’s muscle memory as well as a form of communication. Which could be a very interesting plot development!

Another possible plot divergence is that if Jiang Yanli starts speaking for her brother at a younger age that might influence her to speak up more just in general, which could hugely affect the story. If she gets used to speaking for Wei Wuxian and herself (and even Jiang Cheng!) rather than letting Wei Wuxian step in as we often see him do, she might involve herself more actively in Sect politics. Which means that she’d likely be attending cultivation conferences more often. Which means that she could be in an incredibly powerful position when stuff starts going down with Wei Wuxian and the Wens. Jiang Cheng is young and stressed and insecure about his place. He doesn’t know how to say “yes, these people helped us, and they don’t deserve what you’re doing to them.” His instinct is to curl around what’s his and protect it, which is exactly what he was raised to do as the future Sect Leader of Lotus Pier. But Jiang Yanli cares about people because they’re people, in much the same way Wei Wuxian does (see: her treatment of Wen Ning during the wedding dress visit, as one example). If she’s at that conference and used to speaking out? She’s going to make a difference, because she has an excellent relationship with Jin Guangshan’s wife and his heir. Jin Zixuan is actively pursuing her at that point. She’s gentry, from a good family (unlike MianMian). She is right on the cusp of marrying into the Jin clan. If nothing else, she has enough influence that if she speaks out, Jiang Cheng will support her, and possibly others (such as Lan Xichen, sitting there looking uncomfortable but not saying anything as long as Wei Wuxian stands on his own). That could be a fun ripple effect to see played out.

3. He might communicate through music. This would be a fantastic place to use the Chinese literature technique of poetry allusions. Different songs or melodies might be associated with different lyrics, or plays, or poems, and so just a short musical phrase could convey a fairly complex (if sometimes more allegorical or symbolic) meaning. This particular method of communication might be most effective in conjunction with the Lans and Nie Huaisang just because they’d be more likely to make quick connections and respond to them without further explanation necessary, but in the right circumstances it could work for most cultivators, since they seem to pride themselves on their literacy. I’m still just barely dipping my toes into this stuff so I don’t have any concrete examples here, but I think it could be a lot of fun to incorporate more music into Wei Wuxian’s life before Chenqing, since he certainly learned to play the dizi somewhere before that whole coreless-in-a-death-trap adventure, and also I think travels with Lan Wangji and the juniors might be fun with some musical references peppered in. Which I might keep in mind even for fics where Wei Wuxian is not mute.

This next song compares Jin Zixun to all the fools of history and legend and finds him lacking.

4. Talismans! Wei Wuxian, being Wei Wuxian, seems to like to use talismans both to get attention and to convey meaning even when he doesn’t have any particular difficulty speaking in canon (I adore the butterfly talisman, okay, I will never be over it). And using talismans doesn’t necessarily mean conveying ideas in words, even though magical glowy writing can very cool.

[insert image of Wei Wuxian writing on his palm, clapping his hands together and then separating them reveal a glowy orange insult to Jin Zixuan’s ego held between them because he’s blunt like that sometimes]

Again, symbols and poetic allusions could be used. Whole landscapes, steaming bowls of soup, he could run wild with his artistic talents. Also he’d probably be able to figure out a sort of magical white-board situation with writing and erasing and re-writing script easily, though it would consume spiritual power of one type or another so it might be more difficult for him to pull off for a longer conversation, or after he’s lost his golden core (there’s another fun plot hook to play with: figuring out new ways to communicate as well as necromancy during the Sunshot Campaign). We do see him erase a talisman in the drama during the Yi City stuff, so that’s very nearly canon already. Basic writing would also be an option here (as we see Song Lan use) but I think the frustrations of needing ink and a brush or writing on the ground and everything would get to him pretty fast—Wei Wuxian is not a very patient person most of the time, so unless it’s actual letter-writing or a book of pre-set phrases he carries with him (probably a good idea for emergencies anyway) I don’t think that’s going to be his go-to.

Another talisman option is: let’s not forget that Wei Wuxian is a genius inventor! He could do so many things with cultivation. To pull from a real world technology example: Maybe he makes a talisman he can wrap around his throat that will convey the vibrations of his vocal chords (provided he has fully developed ones of course). Maybe he combines talismans and fireworks to get attention and write sparkly messages at the same time. To pull from things already in the canon: Maybe he uses Empathy for really important situations. Maybe he can literally steal other people’s voices momentarily, as he does control of bodies, or, post-Burial Mounds, maybe he can speak through the voices of spirits and fierce corpses. How freaking creepy would those be? One is like the reverse of the Lan Clan silencing spell: you can’t speak, but I can use your voice, potentially out of your own mouth. The other is just going to make traditional cultivators break out in hives: Wei Wuxian showing up to the war and every time he wants to speak he summons a fierce corpse or a ghost to scream his thoughts into annoying people’s faces.

Those last two aren’t going to win him any friends but oh wow do they look fun.

Imagine Wei Wuxian roasting Su She and exposing his whole plan in Su She’s own voice.

One last thing here that just occurred to me: Wei Wuxian has on at least one occasion in the drama used the paperman to talk to someone. He does it with Wen Qing, to ask if there’s any way she can arrange a break for Lan Wangji when he’s walking on a broken leg. Is that a telepathy thing? Or a voice thing? And would his ability to do it be affected by his relationship with spoken words? Food for thought.

5. Context or partner-based signs. These would be signs he makes up or develops in conjunction with friends and family, but which are based on shared experience and reference points rather than a full sign language. Could be pretty much anything as long as they mean something to his audience, but are going to be useful mostly for those cases where he’s having a one-on-one conversation or trying to get someone else to verbalize for him in a larger group. Counting on fingers, waving, summoning, the three-finger swear Wei Wuxian uses on that rooftop during the Sunshot Campaign etc. would be examples of generally socially known gestures so this is mostly just an extension of that. I would like to think that he would have personalized sign nick-names for people, probably related to puns or in-jokes. This is a fun place to play with context and relationship complexity, because different people are going to have different levels of fluency in “Wei Wuxian.” Perhaps that’s part of the wedge that drives itself between him and Jiang Cheng even: after months on end with the Wens, Wei Wuxian has mannerisms and signs Jiang Cheng doesn’t know, which just make him feel even more distant from his brother.

6. He might use an actual established sign language of some kind, probably one usually used in trade contexts (because there are many dialects and languages in Ancient China so trade sign could very easily be a thing) unless you build more of a social network (and more general social acceptance) for mute and deaf people into the world. Which could totally happen! But if you don’t tweak the world-building then sign language as a language beyond trade sign is going to be minimally useful to most individuals who would need it, because they’re mostly going to be communicating with people who don’t use it (as can often happen in the real world, of course). I think a general-use sign language or trade sign + personal signs could be a lot of fun, especially between close family and friends (how much would especially drama!Wen Ning love that added level of connection and communication?)

Look at them. Look at this ridiculousness.

But outside of that it’s probably not going to be something anyone but especially kind souls will actually use with him beyond actual monetary transactions. This is not a canon that’s generally kind to people who are marked as different. Most of the big cultivators probably wouldn’t even learn much trade sign, especially not the Jins and Wens, because they have servants to negotiate prices for them if necessary, but the Jiangs might learn both because they’re closer to their trade-port commoners and for Wei Wuxian’s sake. Anyone who travels alone would want to know some, at least. Lan Wangji might know a little and learn more specifically to communicate with Wei Wuxian? Could go a lot of directions.

7. Clapping, tapping things together, stomping, whistling, and maybe laughter, vocal crying or screaming, humming and whispers. These methods of communication will depend a lot on why a character is mute and whether it’s physically or psychologically-based. Clapping, tapping, stomping and whistling should be generally possible; the rest depend on vocal chord development and certain nerves being functional. Interestingly, this means that Wei Wuxian still has total control over simple fierce corpses and spirits even if his vocal chords don’t work or are damaged. Which is cool. Clapping/tapping/stomping would allow him to engage in morse/chinese telegraph/tapping code styles of communication too, if such a thing exists in Ancient Fantasy China (Why not? They already have chilies and potatoes and fly on swords). A whistle code for night hunting would just be a useful thing in general, for everyone. Limited speech might also be a thing. In some cases of selective mutism people can speak with certain people (a feeling of safety seems to be a big factor, though sometimes I saw reports of people saying they could speak just fine if it was on stage/part of a theatre production but not for day-to-day stuff too), or at low volumes. This might be more taxing than other forms of communication, or not, depending on the specific situation. It might lead to things like Wei Wuxian being able to talk to his family and possibly close friends like Lan Wangji, but not in large groups or to “outsiders,” which might in turn lead to more resentment on some people’s parts and more accusations that he’s just being rude or arrogant, etc.

8. Fan code. Because it should exist, why is Nie Huaisang the only person in this canon with a fan. Should be remedied, obviously.

Think of the things he could be saying if he had anyone to talk to this way!

9. The telepathy spell from fighting the Tortoise of Slaughter. This is a drama-exclusive thing, and I love it! So much! But. Telepathy is a very common workaround for characters who are unable to use verbal language and personally I think it’s often used to just totally erase that non-verbal communication or any of the difficulties actual mute people experience. So. It might be more interesting, and more respectful for real people’s lived experience, to introduce some further obstacles. What are the spell’s limits? Distance? Duration? Can it involve more than two people? Does it consume energy from all parties or only the person who initiates it? Who knows it? Is it a Lan Clan specialty? Is it only for highly ranked disciples? Did Lan Wangji invent it? Do the Lan juniors know this spell? If they do, would they use it? If yes to both those last two questions, that eliminates a lot of barriers for resurrected Wei Wuxian. Both Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi seem like they would willingly (with varying levels of sass of course) take on the task of relaying Wei Wuxian’s thoughts, at least sometimes. But again, it matters when Wei Wuxian becomes mute, because language and how you communicate shapes how you think. What if one of them or Lan Wangji uses the spell, and Wei Wuxian’s thoughts don’t come across as direct words? How does that impact their ability to communicate in this way?

Also, I invite you to picture: Wei Wuxian is back from the dead. He has been reunited with Lan Wangji. He can’t talk, verbally, but he can speak with Lan Wangji telepathically. This is a new development related to his resurrection. Lan Wangji is now faced with a dilemma, because he kind of depends on Wei Wuxian to do all the talking in a number of situations as the plot moves forward. How do they maneuver those situations now? The confrontation of the second Burial Mounds siege? The reveal of Jin Guangyao’s crimes? Also, depending on how the spell works and their communication style before Wei Wuxian died, it’s totally possible that he now just has Wei Wuxian chattering at him inside his head rather constantly, to make up for the fact that he suddenly can’t speak aloud. How does that affect their changing relationship as they go on adventures?

A possible example of this scenario.

Okay, time for some character implications. You know that thing Wei Wuxian does where he has to prove that he is at least as good and usually better than everyone else at whatever he can manage even though he’s an orphaned child of non-gentry parents? Yeah. That’s probably going to get cranked up all the way past 11 to like, 17 or something. A lot. Because if Wei Wuxian can’t verbally speak in a culture where oratory is such an ingrained part of daily life and cultivator culture, a lot of people are going to use that to assume he’s also stupid or unskilled. We see repeated examples of Wen Ning and Jiang Cheng being disregarded or manipulated through their inability to give speeches the way other people do, and the ability to speak well is mentioned as a distinct and admirable ability in reference to both Jin Guangyao and Ouyang Zizhen. It’s something cultivator politics pretty much requires, after a certain point: the ability to speak, clearly and with authority. Not being able to is going to tick Wei Wuxian off to no end. Frequently. And also (I believe) add even more fuel to his “I’m better than you” antics.

He’s still going to be this dramatic asshole, and he’s still going to be better than Jin Zixuan.

Speech doesn’t affect any of those gentlemanly skills he’s learned (provided we assume he still ahs the opportunity to learn them). It doesn’t affect his archery, or his swordsmanship, or his cultivational power. I don’t think it would affect horsemanship, but it might depend on how the horse was trained and what sounds Wei Wuxian is able to make. But either way, with the skills he does have I think it’s possible he would flaunt them even more, especially in front of people he thinks look down on him. He might also get into more physical fights, since he already has a tendency to do that as is when he’s offended enough (most obviously illustrated by his Cloud Recesses confrontation of Jin Zixuan). He might just walk out of more conversations, as we saw him do during the Sunshot Campaign, even before he loses his gold core. He might get even more unconventional in his ideas even more quickly, because he doesn’t fit in as well from the start and never will. The appeal of becoming a rogue cultivator or trying to seek out Baoshan Sanren on his own might be pretty strong. Lots of canon divergence and AU possibilities there.

As far as inter-character relationships go, if he’s mute from childhood I don’t think his relationships with his adopted family would change a whole lot. Madam Yu is going to throw his muteness in his and everyone else’s faces on a regular basis because it’s another handle she can grab onto. Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli might be more protective of him, but I think their personal dynamic with him would remain largely the same. Same with Jiang Fengmian. Jiang Yanli might speak up more often and Jiang Cheng might be forced to develop more patience and eloquence at a younger age, which could certainly ripple out into bigger things over time if you wanted to go that direction. Similarly, Lan Sizhui might have vague memories/ an increased ability to pick up the meaning behind “Mo Xuanyu’s” gestures and signs, which in turn could lead to his own identity being revealed sooner as well. It really depends on how deep you want to go, and how far you want to spin things.

Wei Wuxian’s relationships with the rest of the cultivation world, on the other hand, might be drastically different from a younger age because there’s always going to be that hint there that he’s lacking something, even more than he already gets with his birth status. I could absolutely see it being used in a very similar way to how mentions of Jin Guangyao’s parentage are used. In addition, Wei Wuxian’s going to have a harder time charming his way through situations, because the pacing of his conversations is going to be different. A lot of people are going to avoid him even before he turns to demonic cultivation because they don’t want to deal with learning new ways to communicate, which might contribute to his desire to show off more often and more drastically. (Some people of course are going to hate him even more because of this, and say things that involve phrases like “despite his shortcomings” but they hate him anyway. So how much that increase in irritation affects plot would depend on how far you wanted to take it.) Many relationships (especially more superficial ones) might have to be built a little bit slower, or a little more indirectly. A single first meeting will make less of an immediate positive impact unless he develops some specific strategies. Is he going to be remembered? Absolutely. But he’ll have to work harder to be remembered as “that charming, skilled Wei kid” instead of “that mute guy from Yunmeng Jiang.” It’s definitely a challenge.

This pun-and-flirting-based conversation, for example, would be very difficult to pull off.

With Lan Wangji specifically… I think it could go a lot of directions. I do like to think that one of the things that he finds attractive about Wei Wuxian is that Wei Wuxian makes it obvious he wants to be around, and be friends, but he accommodates Lan Wangji’s moods and actions without the need for very many verbal cues. He pays attention. All the time. He reacts to everything Lan Wangji does, whether Lan Wangji is talking or not, and he wants Lan Wangji’s attention in return. They actually have a lot of non-verbal communication going on already. They click, on a certain level, especially in combat situations, and can convey a lot of communication without very many words. So I don’t think that part would change much. Maybe more whistles and gestures and music, but it already involves a lot of touching. Nor would that aspect of Lan Wangji trying to figure Wei Wuxian out change a lot—the puzzle part might even be intensified, which could be fun to play with and lead them to be closer from an earlier time, especially in the novel setting. What might change is that Lan Wangi might start picking up more of Wei Wuxian’s ways of expressing himself, because another part of what I personally see in their relationship is that Wei Wuxian is often a catalyst for Lan Wangji realizing he can approach a problem from a totally different angle. If Wei Wuxian uses music to communicate as well as in cultivation, Lan Wangji might pick that up, or he might pick up certain gestures (signs can sometimes be more efficient than spoken words, especially if someone is used to them, and I think that would appeal to Lan Wangji’s economy of expression), or ways to use talismans (as we see him use one of Wei Wuxian’s talismans as a distraction in the drama). So yeah, if Wei Wuxian is mute when they first meet I think they would develop some slightly different lines of communication, but overall the shape of their relationship would remain largely the same. (Exploring those slightly different lines could be a lot of fun, even so :D)

A lot of the things I’ve written here are primarily based in the idea that Wei Wuxian is mute in childhood. If Wei Wuxian lost the ability to speak as a teen or adult, that would be pretty different. His frustration levels would be even higher than if he was dealing with it most of his life, especially since, as I noted above, I don’t think he would have as much of a chance to build a working knowledge of signs with very many people, if anyone at all. If his reaction to being trapped at Burial Mounds and becoming first a war hero and then a social pariah are any indication, he’d be dramatic and angry about it, and probably actively use it as a blind to disguise his lack of a golden core as much as possible. I think in any case where he became mute after growing up speaking, his chosen methods of communication would be a lot more direct and voice- or writing-based, whether through use of resentment-fueled voice-borrowing or talismans and glowy writing, or inventions like the vocal chord vibration thing. He’s going to be much more resistant to relying on other people if he can at all avoid it, and much more impatient about round-about methods of communication like music. He’d probably also employ a lot of exaggerated facial expressions and emphatic (and probably often rude) gestures. His adulthood is pretty stressful to begin with, and this is only going to make it moreso.

For character reactions in that situation—I think there would be a lot of concern from his siblings and Lan Wangji, and depending on when it happened there might be a lot of connections drawn between his inability to speak and his adoption of demonic cultivation. (I see four major points where he might become mute as a teen/adult before his death, and they’re all pretty close together: 1) during the Wen indoctrination camp, 2) when he wakes up from his coma after fighting the Tortoise of Slaughter 3) when Lotus Pier is invaded and destroyed, 4) When Wen Chao captures him and throws him into the Burial Mounds. Potential option #5: in a battle during the Sunshot Campaign.) On the one hand, in these situations Wei Wuxian already has established relationships based mostly in respect with a lot of people, so he might meet with more patience (but also more pity) for a while. On the other, people like Jin Guangshan are absolutely not above using something like this to shut him out of politics entirely.

But okay, among people he actually likes: I think Jiang Yanli and Lan Wangji would put in the most effort for actually communicating with him and helping him find ways to cope, as we see them do in the drama with the golden core situation. They and Jiang Cheng might possibly also narrow in focus pretty hard on finding a cure, if possible, since that falls in line with their reactions to his giving up the sword (something to be careful about in writing, as the difference between “magical cure” and “recovery through speech therapy” can be pretty important on a sensitivity level).

In a case of selective mutism—I think only Jiang Yanli would react well at first.

I cry over their relationship so much.

At this point Jiang Cheng is well and truly into his “why are you making my life harder” phase so Wei Wuxian being able to speak with him in private but not in public might start as a relief and then quickly become annoying as fuck. It might take Lan Wangji a while to figure out it’s even happening, especially if he’s one of the people Wei Wuxian still speaks aloud with. He might just think for a while that Wei Wuxian is trying to be better about controlling his mouth in public settings. But once he did figure it out, he’d probably adjust pretty quickly because he can relate to it a bit—we see him speak in small groups or one on one way more often than in more public stage situations, even though he is generally fully capable of speaking. I do think there would still be an undercurrent of worry there though, especially since at that point in his life Wei Wuxian is pretty close to spiraling out of control at the drop of a hat.

This sort of thing might be a lot more common.

Post-resurrection, Wei Wuxian himself would probably be really, really confused to suddenly be alive again but unable to speak. I think he’d spend some time going “wtf??” and then shoving his way into situations with wild hand gestures and body language and facial expressions. Think about that first confrontation in Mo Village, where he’s acting “mad”? That sort of exaggeration, and deliberately provocative physical contact maybe. He might play really annoying noises on grass or his poorly-made flute to get people’s attention. Whistling is highly probable. There’d probably also be some related depression, too. All of these things are obviously possibilities for if he developed mutism earlier of course, but I think if it came with the resurrection he’d have a lot more questions about it, and focus a lot more on being able to make noise at first.

I will make everyone else aware of my personal annoyance in any way possible.

He might end up doing more instead of trying to lead the Lan juniors to the correct conclusions, because he’s going to have way fewer communication tools than he would under other circumstances. He’d be less able to immediately insult Jin Ling at their first meeting, and less recognizable to Jiang Cheng. And once he met up with Lan Wangji, I think Lan Wangji would worry a lot about his silence in this case, because it’s so unlike him and they don’t know why it’s happened (unless Mo Xuanyu was already known to be mute). Finding a cure or a way to practice and build up speech again would be pretty high in both their priorities, I think, and Lan Wangji would watch Wei Wuxian a bit more closely, to make sure he stayed safe (because if this has changed, what else has changed?).

That oversight could influence the plot a fair amount. It might mean that they don’t catch Nie Huaisang at the Tomb of Blades. It might mean that Wei Wuxian tries to run away more often, or more determinedly, because he feels like he’s being smothered. It might significantly impact their ability to communicate during the Yi City fights in the fog, unless they’ve developed or adopted a whistle or clapping code by then. Wei Wuxian picks up on A-Qing’s tapping quickly enough that he’d probably come up with something a little more sophisticated, given time. They might spend a lot more time in the evenings and while traveling working on ways to communicate. Writing. Music. Empathy-the-technique. Establishing gestures and tapping codes, designing new talismans, etc. but for a while there Wei Wuxian is going to be extremely dependent on Lan Wangji (and possibly sometimes Lan Sizhui) to interpret and speak for him, which is a major change in their relationship that could be really interesting to explore. Does Lan Wangji start speaking out more often? Or does he employ intimidation or position or the silencing spell to make others wait for Wei Wuxian to communicate in other ways? How does that effect Wei Wuxian’s hidden identity? Does this experience resolve their friendship-to-lovers plot faster, or does it provide just provide even more opportunities for miscommunication?

The possibilities for fic are very nearly endless, I think, but my personal favorite options would be either something with the voice stealing and fierce-corpse-yelling (the consequences would be huge but individual moments could be very satisfying) or a fic focused on Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian working together, building new communication tools and deepening their relationship through shared context, because I am a Wangxian sap at heart <3.

[evilcatv]

[Image Description

tumblr tags read as followed:

#SO FUN FACT: the reason we even KNOW about stomach acid #is because of one of my direct ancestors #alexis st. martin was a french-canadian fur trapper who was shot in the stomach during a raid on a fort #the bullet wound never completely healed; it formed a fistula (an exterior opening that was semi-covered by a flap of skin) #a dr. beaumont (who was an entire piece of shit -- but i digress) heard about this young man with a direct opening to his stomach #and decided to turn alexis into his personal guinea pig #beaumont would tie different pieces of food to string and then dip them into alexis' stomach and directly observe the digestion process #he also siphoned off a bunch of the fluid and ran tests -- proving that we have acid that breaks down enzymes and proteins #beaumont did hundreds of test over DECADES on alexis and basically wrote the book about the stomach #but here's the thing: alexis was illiterate and extremely poor and extremely desperate #he was essentially beaumont's slave through all of this; beaumont would pay him just enough to live but not to seek #treatment elsewhere for his stomach issues (and daily pain) #and of course since beaumont was making a lot of money and building his reputation on all of his experiments #he has vested interest to make sure alexis never healed/never got surgery to fix his issues #alexis even RAN AWAY from beaumont a few times -- but was ultimately forced to return to him and his poverty wages just to get by #BUT alexis still managed to live a pretty impressive life all things considering #he was a mere 20 when he was shot/suffered the stomach wound and he lived to be *78* #THIS WAS IN THE 1800s! he also married a woman from the cree nation and they had several children #and just before he died he made his kids promise to leave his body out in the sun for several days before burying him in an unmarked grave #because he was fucking sick and TIRED of being treated like a medical curiosity and wanted to be left to rot in peace #WHAT A GUY # anyway that's my great-great-great-grand uncle alexis st. martin (who my brother was partially named after) #there's a whole wikipedia page about him AND he got a chapter in mary roach's book 'gulp' so i highly recommend checking those out #(also it's really weird looking at the drawing the wiki page has of him because i can absolutely se the resemblance between him #and my grandma faye and that's just wild to me) #THIS HAS BEEN WEIRD FAMILY HISTORY STORYTIME WITH ANGIE BEE #as queue wish

End ID]

Can we acknowledge stomach acid being fucking weird? We have pits of acid in us that sometimes comes out our very delicate throats??? Imagine an alien hits a human in the stomach hard enough to make them sick and thinks they've won, but they get melted by the vomit. And somewhere along the line aliens get convinced that one of a human's defence mechanisms is spitting acid and we have to explain that no, but we have some earth native reptiles that can.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #214

“if you are dead or still alive, i don’t care.”

Do you wear perfume or cologne? Very very rarely. Typically if I have to go somewhere formal or something. What was your favorite grade in elementary school? Probably 5th. Do you own a debit card? No. A credit card? No. Are you in debt? I don't pay for anything that could cause me to be in debt. When is your birthday? February 5th. What song are you listening to now? "I Don't Care" by Apocalyptica. What was the most traumatic experience of your life? The breakup with Jason. Have you ever lost a friend to drugs or alcohol? Kinda. Who was your childhood best friend? Her name was Brianna. Are you still friends now? We just drifted apart. If not, why? ^ Do you believe in Karma? Nope. What do you thinks happens to us when we die? I don't pretend to know. I hope some sort of eternal peace for those deserving, but who the hell knows. What age do you think you’ll die? Idk. 70s/80s? My grandparents lived pretty long. About how long was the last book you read? I haven't a clue. Have you ever read a play before? Yeah, in school. A play not written by Shakespeare? I don't think so. Have you ever read a play outside of school? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? A lot... I'm one of the admins at the Silent Hill wiki, a content mod or something I don't remember on the SotC one, and I occasionally edit the meerkats wiki, which is an atrocious mess that I try to clean up where I can. Is there a website [besides social networking] that you check almost daily? A lot. Do you use your phone as an alarm? Yep. Do you listen to music while you sleep? No. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? I don't get "scared," just very paranoid of germs. Are you realistic? In some ways. Do you own a romper?  No. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, and then I have a Twitter solely to like Mark's shit lmao. What does your computer’s slow-loading cursor look like? It's a spinning light blue ring. Do you prefer Microsoft Word or Pages? I've never heard of the latter, so. Would you rather have a trampoline or swimming pool? A pool, please. Do you have the same favorite colors you had when you were a kid? Pink, yes. What do you like to put in your tea? N/A What do you like to put in smoothies? I don't really drink them. Do your stuffed animals have names? Some. What was the name of the first porcelain doll you got? Bitch miss me with that haunted doll shit. Do you sell any products? If so, what? No. Do you know how to knit? No. Do you have an inspiration board? I have one on Pinterest of hair colors I like. Do you have a colored teddy bear? Maybe up in the attic somewhere. On what day is your local grocery store the busiest? I'm sure it's the weekend. What day do you usually go grocery shopping? Mom doesn't have a designated "day." Do you own a bobblehead? No. What do you make wishes on? Nothing. Wishes aren't magic. Well, I do on birthday candles, but that's only as a tradition sorta thing. What’s the best natural pain reliever? It depends; sometimes nothing natural works. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "That's What You Get," probably. Do you like scrambled eggs? Yes. Have you ever made a recipe you found in a magazine? No. Have you ever done a craft that you saw in a magazine? I don't believe so. Are you bitter about anything? I am permanently and inexplicably bitter towards my former primary doctor that fucked up my entire body thanks to keeping me on a medication and her being an ignorant fuck to the side effects, apparently. What is your favorite color for cars? Burnt orange. What is your favorite color for bridesmaid dresses? *shrugs* If applicable, what’s your favorite dance costume that you’ve had? It was some sort of black dress-ish thing. I can't remember clearly. What’s your favorite flavor of mouthwash? Minty? Just ffs don't have alcohol in it. Do you drink CapriSuns? If there's nothing else to drink, sure. Do you prefer caramel or peanut butter? Peanut butter, I think. Do you like strawberry shortcake? No. Do you like butterflies? Yeah, they're my fave insect. Do you know any dances? Only the ones that literally tell you what simple move to do lmao. Did you go anywhere yesterday? No. Do you like yellow or blue more? Blue. Do you wear rings? Only one. What’s the last you got out of the freezer? French toast sticks for lunch yesterday. How often do you go for walks? Never, sadly. Walking along my road is scary with how busy it is, I CANNOT handle the heat, and for the time being, I can't walk far at all with my knee problem. Do you go on the computer or watch TV more? I say enough I don't watch TV, but I'm always on my laptop. What is something you’ll never eat again? Why? Brussel sprouts. 'Cuz they're fucking disgusting. What is currently happening that is scaring you? Abortion rights being taken away/wrongly modified is pretty scary, honestly. What would be your personal hell? The Christian Hell because fuck that heat lmao. What made the ‘weird kid’ at your school weird? He, I shit you not, would not say a word, but if he absolutely had to speak, he kept it very very short and quiet. He was always looking down and isolated himself. I felt really bad for him; he was so obviously depressed, but I was always too unsure of how to approach him and try to be a friend. What is a word you personally find offensive? "Retarded" when used incorrectly. What instantly puts you to sleep? Instantly go to sleep??? Please teach me how. What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? Well, I don't speak German fluently, so like, a shitload of Rammstein songs. What is something you would like to do if you weren’t judged for doing it? Tbh cosplay sounds so fun. What’s a movie you think everyone should watch? Why that one? Johnny Got His Gun. It shows just how fucking disgusting war is. What was the most unexpected good thing that’s ever happened to you? Senpai Noticed Me. What is the funniest fact you know? Idk. Oh, I might be mistaken, but I think the guy who invented the segway died via driving off a cliff on a segway. Big 'ole oof. What’s the kindest way a stranger has treated you? I remember as a little kid, the people in front of us in line at McDonald's paid for our meal. What is the biggest design flaw of your body? I have this random, deep dimple on my right ass cheek like what the fuck. What is the strangest thing you have ever felt? OKAY SO when I was in the process of having my ears cleaned back when I had that wax adhered to my eardrums, one step was having warm water like pounded into my ears, and it somewhat tickled but also felt oddly good, and it was just really weird. What makes someone immediately unlikable? Acting like they're above everyone else. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? Darkiplier hunny my poor husband. I won't answer "why" because yeah spoilers. What is something you regret to NOT have done? Fuck it, I wish I'd had *complete* sex w/ Jason. I was in love with him, and I'll probably never experience genuine sex again so like- What’s the weirdest thing you put in a microwave? Idk? What movie changed your life for the better? I'm not sure. Oh, wait, I remember when I was still Christian, God's Not Dead really touched me, but we know how I am religiously now. What’s something your relatives don’t know about you? Many probably don't know I'm bi. What’s something your parents did, which you have sworn never to do? Have children before marriage. Back when I wanted kids. What’s the most annoying thing your pet does? My cat is obsessed with trying to lie on me as he'd done as a kitten, but then I can't see over him to see the laptop. Teddy scratches a lot and won't listen to "stop" for anything. What’s the biggest sum of money you’ve won? Uhhhh. I have no clue. Have I ever? Idk. Have you ever smoked weed on April 20? No. Tell me about the last event that made you really, truly happy? Oh boy. Can you name three good things about your most recent ex? He's funny as fuck, super intelligent, and hard-working. Have you ever thought about how the world will end? Yeah. What object do you own that has the most sentimental value to you? The pebble I got from my partial hospitalization program. What’s the best memory you have of your father? Him teaching me to ride a bike. What was on the last sandwich you ate? Ham, cheese, and mustard. Do you prefer gold or silver jewelry? Silver matches more things, but I'm allergic to it. I find gold in general prettier, too. Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? No. What is your favorite Thai dish? Never tried Thai food. When was the last time you made out with somebody? February. Are there any candles in your bedroom, and what scent are they? No. When was the last time you went to a birthday party? Last month for my niece. What pet names do you use with your significant other? A whole lot. What brand is your toaster, if you have one? We don't have a toaster, but a toaster oven. I don't have the slightest clue what brand it is; it's ancient. Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? No and nope. What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart or Harris Teeter. Would you rather travel to Japan or Scotland? Oh man, I don't know! I guess Scotland. Does your house have a porch/balcony? We have a decently-sized back porch. There's a front one as well, but it's tiny. What was the last movie you saw and who did you watch it with? I watched The Shining by myself. What’s your favorite type of bread? Pumpernickel. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes. Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No. What time does the sun go down where you live at this time of the year? Like, 8:30-ish. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? If I literally had to get them done for whatever reason, I guess I'd pay. Me doing them myself would be a nightmare, especially with tremors. Did you ever fail your learners/drivers test? I haven't taken it yet. Do you have any stickers on your car? I don't have my own car. Blackberry, Droid, or iPhone? iPhones. Do you like diet soda? NO. I don't just not like the taste, but the artificial sweetener gives me crazy headaches. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? No. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? No. How old were you the first time you drank alcohol? I don't remember. WAIT shit dude, I was young. I grew up going to a Catholic church, and during that "eating the blood and body of Christ" thing (I forgot what it's called), we sipped real wine. Yes, even the kids. That shit was NOT grape juice. Name someone you’ve become a lot closer to recently: No one. What was the last fight you had with your parents about? Dad, I've got no clue. Mom, about her constantly shit-talking my dad and I no longer wanted to hear any of it in my presence. Does your car have a sunroof? N/A Did you ever have braces? Yes. Are you from the South? Yes. What does your last status on Facebook say? It was something about the bullshit Alabama abortion law, I believe. I barely ever ever make my own statuses. Do you tip your server when you go to a restaurant? I never can because yeah, no money, so I can't even pay for the meal. If I could, of course I would. Have you ever snuck out of your house? No. Are you friends with people on Facebook that you actually hate? No? Name your favorite Ke$ha song: I guess "Take It Off." What’s your favorite place? Ah man, the tattoo/piercing parlor I go to. What was the last comic book you read? It was one of the Silent Hill ones on the app years ago. What’s the worst trouble you’ve ever gotten into? Probably when I ran away from home in like middle school. Do you know anyone your age who has a child? A good number, but I mean I'm 23 so that's not exactly strange. Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? A few. The last time you threw up, what caused it? Medicine that was known for nausea. Did you have any foreign exchange students at your high school? I don't think so? Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? Not off the top of my head. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Maybe. Probably. Idk. Have you kept the same icon here for a long time? Yeah. I don't really take pictures of myself, so. Why did you choose your icon, anyway? It's the most accurate representation of how I look on the daily. And it's not horrendous. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? Sometimes. It doesn't hurt my feelings, but rather it makes me deathly embarrassed because I feel stupid for liking it and like they're making fun of a part of me. Can you be friends with people with opposing political views? Yes. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? I don't think I exactly "left" them, just lost big interest, like Rhett & Link/GMM. I still love the guys, but I don't watch them anymore. Warriors is another example. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffled. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don't cook. Can you do any impressions? No. What color do you want to dye your hair? Currently I want to dye it lilac, but I can't afford a professional to do that. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? Shrimp. Favorite fictional world? Wonderland. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Have you ever had to use it? N/A Have you ever been kicked out of a public place? Why? No. Do you donate to any associations that care for animals? I don't have my own money. Have you ever worn those Drunk Goggles? Yes, in D.A.R.E. Can you agree to disagree, or usually get upset over conflicting views? It depends on the topic, but it's generally very easy for me to agree to disagree. Rodeos – entertaining, or cruel? Animal abuse. Who is the best female rocker? Why? Ohhhh good question. I like Lita Ford, for one; great singer and she fucking slays the guitar. She seems cool, too. Do you care what kind of toilet paper you use? Not really, no. Do you still have any decent arcades nearby? No. Bullfighters who get gored kind of had it coming, right? Yes. They fucking deserve it. Have you ever accidentally found porn when looking for something else? Thank God no. What do you like on your burger? Cheese, ketchup, mustard, a little bit of mayo is fine but not mandatory, pickles, and very little onion is okay. What do you NOT like on your burger? Lettuce and tomato. Do you like 'loose meat’ sandwiches? Like sloppy joes? Yeah. Have you ever seen an unwrapped mummy in person? No, but that'd be pretty fucking cool. What things have people shamed you for? Besides the obvious disagreements like political subjects, I don't know. Do you always reply to private messages? (On any website) Yes, unless it's spam or advertisement. Are there any 'adult stores’ in your area? I wouldn't know. Have you been inside of them/shopped there before? No. Who was your favorite actress to play Morticia Addams? Anjelica Huston. What is the next film you want to rewatch? Idk. I don't really watch TV or movies to begin with. What is the next film you want to see for the first time? I've been wanting to see Jacob's Ladder for a very long time, but I have to find a time I actually *really* feel like it to possibly enjoy it. A movie you love even though it’s cheesy? I'm sure there's something, but idk. Share any song lyrics you misheard? When I heard "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix for the first time, I swore the lyrics were "excuse me while I kiss this guy" instead of "kiss the sky." What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I both enjoy "Bad Girl" by Avril Lavigne and see it cringy as fuck at the same time. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Heather Mason from Silent Hill 3 is up high 'cuz she's a badass, CYNDER FROM THE LEGEND OF SPYRO SERIES BECAUSE SHE'S COOL AS ALL HECKIN' HECK AND ALSO #AESTHETIC, and I've fallen more and more in love with Tyrande Whisperwind from World of Warcraft now that she's become vengeance-crazed and more interesting than she already was. Oh, and then there's Bayonetta. Why? You know why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? In recent news, BRING BACK STAN THE MOTHERFUCKING WATER MAN, MARK. Have you ever had to hit up several stores in search of one item? What was it? I'm sure I have at some point. Do you have any calluses on your feet? From when I used to walk outside for hours, you have no idea- What was your last big purchase? A plane ticket. Have you ever eaten grits? I HATE THEM SO MUCH. Do you always dress right after a shower, or do you like to chill in your towel/robe for a while? I put clothes on right away. Have you ever looked up your state’s laws and read them? I don't think so. Have you ever had to talk to a lawyer? I feel like I did have to once for something...? Have you ever been in pain so bad you passed out? No. I sincerely don't know how I didn't when I had to get that cyst drained, though. I have no words for that pain. Can you have kids? Well, physically, yeah. Doesn't mean I ever will or even want to. If you could get rid of one of your allergies, which one would it be? POLLEN. Do you have any cousins that look like you? No. Who do you know who is dating someone that looks way too old for them? Idk. Have you ever gone on a Facebook deleting spree? Yeah. What's a good example of "don’t knock it till you try it"? Waffles with peanut butter spread over them with syrup. What is surprisingly painful? Hm. "Surprisingly." OH, something I say as well as many others: Getting your nose pierced is more painful than you'd think compared to other piercings. Which person shaped you the most? Probably Jason. Or Mom. Have you ever been 4-wheeling? Yes. Do you live anywhere near the woods? There's a wooded area beyond the field. Do you have any important anniversaries you celebrate? Mine and Sara's. Can you rap? I don't even have to try to say no. Do you know how to use a DSLR camera? Yes. Tell me about the sickest you’ve ever felt. Oh man... I remember in elementary school, 3rd grade I think, I had the weirdest 3-day "sickness" where I felt every single moment like I was right on the very verge of vomiting. I went to the ER on the third night, but they couldn't detect what was wrong. Next day, I woke up miraculously fine. Those days were horrifying for someone who is terrified of vomiting. Any important birthdays coming up? My nephew's isn't far off. If you could play one instrument flawlessly, what would it be? Electric guitar. Have you ever heard of Hollywood Undead? Do you like them? I love some songs, like others, don't enjoy or care about a handful, and then truly haven't heard most. Have your friends ever told you something really personal? Was it weird? Well yeah, close friends do that often. It's not weird. Has anyone ever called you a coward before? Who called you that? No. Have you ever written a whole song before? What was the title to it? No. Are you a Jeffree Star fan? Or no? Do you think he’s awesome/dumb? I loooove that funky alien man. I find his work ethic incredibly inspiring and he seems so super accepting and is just very radiant and positive. Has your grandmother ever made you anything? Not including cookies. I don't think so.

[anotherfandomok]

Interactive Introverts Richmond Summary! (Part 1 bc rambling)

Ok. My experience and a general summary. I'm gonna do my best I couldn't believe it was happening, before, after, or during it, and now I can't believe it happened. So.

I didn't get ready way too early this time! I loved my outfit it was so cute, and I drew whiskers on my wrist and my cousin did too :). I went over to my cousin's, and my aunt drove us to my uncle's office in Richmond. He took us to II it was so awesome of him. I was flipping out.

We got there and took pics with the signs and stuff I was vibrating and bouncing and shit I was so excited. We lined up and got in doors opened at six and it was a lot of little short lines so we got in really quickly. Immediately I wanted to go downstairs for merch.

We got in the merch line and like really like ahead in the line I was so proud of getting there so fast.

And I saw the like stand up thing background for the m&g?????? So I was like um wtf are they actually right there like thirty feet away from me? So I was watching it and had my phone ready to video. I SAW PHIL LESTER WITH MY OWN EYES LEAN FORWARD AND HUG SOMEONE. y'all you don't understand his hair is SO. BLACK. like it actually shocked me how black it was I guess it doesn't translate.

But anyway they had the last few people do the m&g, and then they left and Dan waved really quick and we all cheered and I GOT A VIDEO OF THEM AKFNDJSFBWJD.

Also, fan project tonight super cute just a pic of Virginia that said "VA LOVES YOU" I didn't know about it until I got there, but someone handed me a stack and asked me to pass them out and I was like um hell yes so I did that.

Anyway, we moved forward in the merch line and yo the line got so long I was so happy we went straight there omg. The merch setup was like really good! Very efficient they had a long table and everything up with prices and stuff it was so well set up and the guy who helped me was super nice.

I got both short sleeved shirts and the long sleeved shirt, as well as a hat and a poster, and my cousin got the hoodie, a poster, and the marble shirt. Cute as hell! It went really smoothly and quickly it was awesome and we just got right through.

We went to the bathroom and it had a lil ledge so we folded and organized our stuff and then went to the bathroom. Tbh the bathrooms there were REALLY nice, and not crowded at all when I went! The theatre itself was so nice you guys like I can't even believe how nice it was it was so fancy like pretty carpeted soft stairs and everything was so ornate and detailed and pretty. Just omg.

Anyway! Then we went and stood by the front doors for a bit and I handed out signs (if you saw me in the lacy white shirt and black shorts with short blond hair aye!). We sat in balconey D, so we went up (a LOT of stairs) and found our seats!

Seriously I can't overstate how gorgeous and amazing this theatre was so fancy with super soft seats and good room like it was so pretty and it had a ton of like Egyptian stuff on the walls omg it was so cool. Y'all. The set was GORGEOUS. Like the lights and the background and just. Wow. I felt so close even though we were the highest up, because everything was very stacked. We really weren't that far away even though we were towards the back like I could see the stage really well.

The set is so gorgeous wow. And I just jammed to all the songs on the preshow playlist it was so amazing I couldn't believe it was real.

Also Dan's Siri came on like twice and was like hi there's really nice merch downstairs and Dan left me to look at memes and stuff, and told us not to film bc iPads are bad lmao. (I filmed anyway don't arrest me).

Everyone FLIPPED SHIT when Welcome To The Black Parade came on oh my god it was so loud and amazing. The lights dimmed and off we went.

They opened with the really adorable video being projected omg my heart and then they rode in dramatically with their steam and everyone LOST THEIR SHIT it was amazing the crowd was so loud all night.

Phil read the Richmond Wikipedia page apparently (wow, nerd) lmao and talked about the rat basketball team. They literally mentioned the rat basketball team like at least six times throughout the show tonight y'all I'm.

Dan said shooketh at something at the beginning and I don't remember what it was but like djfndjsdbrb. Also he did the Naruto run the first time he ran off stage, and we all sCREAMED.

They did a smol duet of A Whole New World which I now know was inspired by the venue - it was so great though and Dan was like that's not what you want trust me it would start off good but it would quickly become horrible. It sounded really good though like I love them they should sing more.

I hadn't seen any spoilers about the beginning! They talked about what an introvert is and asked the introverts and extroverts in the room to cheer sjfbwjsj.

Dan had a six second challenge to pretend to be a llama sitnfndntkejr he pranced and did a noise we all DIED and then he was like "-NO!" it was hilarious sjfndjsnebd.

The segment about what they weren't gonna do had me shook I nearly died. "Please be gentle with the handcuffs; I have sensitive skin" IM DEAD.

Also when they went to walk up and pretend to strip and then they RIPPED OFF THEIR SHIRTS TO REVEAL IDENTICAL SHIRTS UNDERNEATH YOURE FUCKING KIDDING ME WHAT THE FUCK.

We were all really sad about the puppies so Phil said we'd get to see more puppies later in the show and we all screamed and Dan said if you're gonna promise puppies you better follow through.

When they offered to let people touch their hair I was like sjgbdjdbdjabfsn. Pastel personas skgbsjfkekfje??? They put on flower crowns and brought stuffed animals up to the front of the stage wow my heart.

They were like we're not gonna bring up a whole bunch of other YouTubers - because we have no friends and no one replied to our messages.

I can't remember for shit, but the whole beginning segment was just amazing. When they finished talking about how the show was interactive they were like "so that's why now we're going to make one of you stand up at random!!!!!!!" And they shined all the lights up and for a second it was chaos and then they were like kidding kidding we're just kidding and Phil was like your faces were priceless and Dan was like okay you can tell who the introverts and extroverts are the introverts are like crawling into a ball in their seats like "DONT PICK ME" I've never seen 3000 people curl up into a ball before. It was terrifying but also amazing!

Truth bombs! Honestly, I thought they were gonna do all the ones from the website, but they only did one each.

Phil's torture confession would be being bathed in cheese (Dan talked about if that included scrubbing, or if it included scrubbing under flaps y'all I was so done oh my god), but other options were mouth noises in headphones in his ears (to which Dan then did HORRIBLE and horribly loud mouth noises into his mic oh my god it was the worst thing my ears have ever heard ajtbcjejgsj *vomits* he said "not the asmr you came to hear, sorry") and ??? (Help I forgot)

Dan dreams about Nick Jonas in a fursuit at night ("the two things I lease wanted to hear right now, combined), but other options were a dark abyss ("no that's what I see when I look in the mirror") and a one direction reunion.

They would die from "Bees?" But other options were Dan falling out of the gaming chair and taking Phil down with him, and burning down the flat after setting a fire during a baking video gone horribly wrong (both of the runner ups they said were extremely realistic and plausible and they were like are you guys surprised we aren't dead yet we were all like yah). Dan was like where are the bees going to come from???? THAT FLAP keep you eyes on it.

We're real people with free will so you can't just make us do whatever you want, BUT we have made a simulation with a tiny Dan and Phil where you choose what they would do in completely normal, everyday situations that we experience in real life. Remember, tiny Dan and Phil still have emotions and can feel shame and guilt, so this is our test to see if you are responsible enough to be in control during this show - please do what you would actually want us to do if you were controlling us in real life.

Simulation! They have been working on this since they were FETUSES. Not babies, fetuses they were up in their mom's bellies with laptops editing this, and they spent billions of pounds and thousands of Richmond dollars (idk why they said Richmond dollars so many times during the show but sjtbsjdjd it was cute) on it.

Phil first he went to Barstucks (the simulations didn't want to get sued) and got a unicorn death frappe, with lots of sugar so he was vibrating, and he accidentally tweeted a picture of him in his underwear. Shirtless Satan appears and we all cheered for Satan they were concerned and Phil sold his soul to Satan to take the pic down bc he dropped his phone in his drink lmao. SATAN TAKES HIM TO HELL AND THERES DEMON DAN AND HE HAS A POTATO AND HE POTATO PRESSES PHIL TO DEATH FOR ETERNITY. then Phil was like "I still remember the feeling of a wet potato being pressed to my back" I was like sjbsjsjdsj ew.

Dan talked to the furry in the park and went to a furry rave (didn't show him the good Shiba Inu memes he had) and did body shots off of an otter and entered the ladydoor and slipped on the floor and died in his slothbear fursuit. Lmao rip (I'd already heard that ending though). Dan said the show was officially demonitized, and also said "there was an attempt" after people cheered for the good option lmao.

At the end they were like what a waste of all our billions of dollars and all the time spent editing as fetuses.

At the end of the simulation Phil talked about it being like a mob mentality and Dan compared it to fandoms and how if you like something and everyone else seems to have the same reason for liking it or whatever, the people who it especially means some thing to, their voices can get lost. And that's what this show is all about giving the people what they want and getting all the voices and stuff. Fandoms are often seen as one collective unit but you can't expect them all to want the same thing because they're all made up of very different individuals. Etc. It was good.

Our collective name was Kevin. We did a coordinated clap ("the asmr you do want to hear") it was the coolest fucking thing ever ajrnejfnej to build the hive mind. Then we chose a breed of dog for them to get "they just want us to get a dog Phil that's all they want" and Phil led it he was like I think I can get everyone to think the same thing, and we chose Fluffy the very terrifying Chihuahua it was so cool how they did it and that was the one I got so yay! They asked who didn't get fluffy and then they were like "that's okay that just means you aren't part of Kevin... YET." And then they just kept saying how we needed to get inside Kevin and stuff it was like okay wow.

Then we had the WHATS UNDER DANS BED. First of all that box is fucking hilarious, and I think Dan mentioned Phil just wanting an excuse to use props lmao. They explained it and then Phil brought out the audience participation balls "Phil has three balls." Okay. But they really emphasized how if you didn't want it you could just throw it to someone who did like they were so nice and understanding about it and when the music stopped Phil asked and made sure everyone who had one wanted it :). Also they were like keep the answers like amazingphil channel okay keep it PG. But it was actually a really cool concept and the lights went rainbow when they were throwing them around, which I LOVED! The three answers were an anthill but the ants are tiny dogs, a fursuit made of maltesers, and "I think he's trolling us and it's empty"/nothing. Y'all Phil was like has anyone seen a key under their seat and Dan was like wait what are we talking about wait no no I have the key akfnfjejd. They opened it, got the silver tube, opened that and got the scroll, and then they were like this has been in the tube in the locked box on the stage the whole time how could it possibly say what three random members of the audience said, and then they SLOWLY UNROLLED IT AND IT SAID TINY DOG ANTHILL, FURSUIT, AND NOTHING YALL I WAS SHOOK OUT OF MY MIND LIKE THE ONLY THING THAT COULD HAVE MADE THE SHOW WAS MAGIC AND THEY JUST DID THAT OH MY GOD. I'm still shook about it.

Then Phil took the banner and tore it up into like three or four big pieces and was like okay guys tear it up and pass it around tear and share I was so shook I was like oh my god I want a piece of that banner but obviously I was balconey, so they were ripping off pieces and passing it around and Dan and Phil were like omg it's like the walking dead down there "oh my gosh... That is.. violent." I was so shook that they did that like that was so nice and good like snejdbdabfbo.

Survey! Dan dabbed when he said statistics and Phil was like don't dab to statistics and Dan dabbed again and was like math *dab* there was so much unnecessary dabbing it was wow. Phil likes to use props and costumes so the brought out the glasses and clipboards YALL THEM IN GLASSES IN REAL LIFE 😭. Phil read the options for the audience participation one really dramatically and Dan was like "Phil wrote all the answers to these questions obviously" to which Phil replied "I wanted to make them spicy." 68% like audience participation, sixty some feel like they really know Dan and Phil (8% said who are Dan and Phil and Dan was like where do you think you are Shrek the musical? It was so good. I think Phil said maybe that's the parents. Incredible.) (Unnecessary third option bc Phil wanted to see what would happen - it used the middle screen) 40% like the sims the best, but pinof had 36%. Ditl had 16%, and baking and crafts both had four. They ROASTED the four percent who love crafts lmao it was great. (They spent the whole tour budget on the pie chart for the video series lmao it was FANCY) Sixty percent of people whlant Dan and Phil to give the people what Dan and Phil want, so I was really proud of us and Dan seemed surprised and happy about it he said Augusta was like ninty percent what the people want lmao.

ONE FINAL QUESTION WE ASKED YOU DAN OR PHIL BUT THATS TOO EASY NO WE ASKED YOU WHO WOULD YOU SACRIFICE BUT DAN NO ONES REALLY GOING TO BE SACRIFICED RIGHT THIS IS JUST A QUESTION ON A SURVEY IN A STAGE SHOW "I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT ABOUT DAN AND PHIL THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES... RIGHT?"

SUPER DRAMATIC SACRIFICE DAN OR PHIL "YOU MIGHT SAY I CANT CHOOSE TOO BAD THE WORLD IS FULL OF HARD DECISIONS ONE OF US WILL BE STRAPPED TO THIS WHEEL" PHIL SAID "ONE OF US IS GOING TO BE PUT IN MORTAL DANGER RIGHT NOW" AND THEN THEY BOTH JUMPED ONTO THE PLATFORM WITH THE WHEEL AND RODE IT BACKWARDS AND THEN INTERMISSION HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEYRE SO DRAMATIC AND EXTRA OH MY GOD IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

I'm forgetting so much but I'm gonna do this in two parts. Intermission seemed to come so quickly! It was at almost eight forty. Intermission was cool I stood up and stretched my legs bc as soon as I sat down my left leg fell asleep and it's still fucked up the. Some more jams though, and the last song they play was The Final Countdown lmao.

Quick note they are both so beautiful ??? Like?? I couldn't stop staring at their fucking legs oh my god and Dan's knees with his ripped jeans help. Also, I was mesmerised by the way Phil walks? And the way he runs and skips and does little jumps and shit? Like it's actually really graceful his legs are So Long and I'm just obsessed with watching him walk around omg. In summary - Legs ™

Edit: I totally forgot about the airhorn during Truth Bombs ajgbfjrnfsiej it was WILD Phil kept playing with it and pressing buttons to make noises before we even started doing Dan's, and Dan was like omg stop but we were all cheering because obviously it was amazing and Dan was like don't cheer when he does that you're encouraging him and we just cheered louder. (Phil also stroked the airhorn remote - the number of times some variation of the word stroke was said tonight..... So much)

At some point during the beginning they talked about why everyone loves the sims bc you can make people and make them do whatever you want and Phil was like like put a hundred sims in a swimming pool and remove the ladders and watch them drown slowly and I used to do that a lot as a kid does that say something and Dan was like that would explain a lot actually (I swear to God he said that phrase about Phil like three or four times throughout the show like wow). And Phil was like you could also make them woohoo with a skeleton or an alien and HE THRUSTED TO EMPHASIZE HIS POINT I WAS LIKE JESUS FUCK STOP PLEASE.

[emilyplaysotome]

Dating Diaries - Chapter 4 - One Day

Inspired by real events, Emi enters the dating world after her long term relationship ends. Determined to move forward, she starts dating and quickly finds herself in over her head.

In case you missed it, here are the previous chapters:

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3

I paced like a caged lioness in my now spotless apartment.

I’d cleaned every inch of it in anticipation of Kazumi’s arrival, and as our reunion became more and more imminent, the anxiety within me began to spiral out of control.

On this particular visit, we’d planned for him to stay with me in my apartment - rather than get a hotel room which seemed like a waste. 

I already regretted that decision seeing as how I was mentally preparing to ask Kazumi straight up how he felt about me. With no hotel room available, should the answer be the one I didn’t care for I’d be forced to suffer through a night with a man who had rejected me.

This would be the fifth time we saw each other in real life. 

It would be the third month of knowing each other as we communicated most days over TalkTime. I knew that my feelings were starting to become something real, and at times I felt as if I were on a runaway train with Kazumi as the conductor.

I’d taken the time spent away from Makoto (who was on holiday but still texted), before Kazumi’s arrival to reflect and had realized that our whole nebulous relationship had played out on his terms up until this point. 

Granted, I had not explicitly made any demands but it was obvious that he was in charge. We spoke on his terms - when he had time, not when I wanted to.

He made me wonder how he felt about me - if I was just a fling or maybe something more...

...and I needed to know if I could be something more because my heart was beginning to hope.

Hey Sunshine! I’m almost at your place - do you need me to pick you up anything?

No, that’s sweet but I’m really nervous. Just hurry up and get here already...

To that Kazu sent me a selfie of himself in the cab he was currently en route in, along with the caption, “How can you be nervous over such a simple guy with such a simple smile?”

You had to laugh at the fact that an award winning author with an impressive wikipedia page and tragic life story would dare call himself “simple”, but that was just another reason I adored him so much. 

He was full of contradictions and always fun.

You’re the least simple person I know. See you soon.

On our second date, Kazumi had made the trip from Kyoto to Tokyo under the guise that he had “meetings” to attend. He had gotten a hotel room for himself and texted me the day of to his arrival to ask if I was around.

His visit had come after 2 weeks of being apart and texting everyday. 

He’d told me that he missed my eyes, and hands, and smile the day after we’d met. From there he’d ask me about my day, or tell me about his, always letting me know that I was beautiful and that he missed me despite barely knowing me.

A few days before he’d arrived I had a sneaking suspicion he might try and visit as he covertly attempted to figure out what my plans were that weekend via TalkTime. When he did show up, the thing that surprised me most was when he bashfully admitted that the real purpose of this trip was not work meetings on Monday but to see me again.

I remember being happy and also incredibly freaked out that he would go so out of his way for me - a woman he’d only met once.

Mostly though, I was happy.

Neither Shizuo, nor any other man I’d ever met had done something so romantic on what seemed like a whim, and even though I made it clear that I was not going to sleep with him, I still ended up spending the night - talking and cuddling with him until I fell asleep in his arms.

We didn’t see each other for three weeks after that.

While apart, we continued to talk but he admitted that he was not able to keep up with my texting. What used to be in-depth, hour long conversations became a bit more infrequent but with that said, I didn’t mind.

I got used to his weird old-man texts.

For a writer, Kazu was pretty funny over TalkTime. 

Whenever he was upset he’d used multiple “!” and whenever I sent him something he liked (for example my corporate headshot for our company website) he’d use extra consonants to try and express that he thought I was pretty (”wowwwwwwww” he’d said).

These little Kazu-isms filled my heart with warmth, and I giggled over how pure they were in a sense, especially considering the fact that they were coming from a 40 year old man.

There was one night that we were talking when Kazu told me I’d become special to him. 

It had been out of left field to a degree - I’d told him that I’d read a book of his finally and as a result had gone down a bit of an intellectual rabbit hole which led me to an article that I thought he might appreciate.

Sunshine...I am so happy my words make you think like this :) I am looking forward to reading this article.

You don’t have to but you might like it. I thought it was a good “truth is stranger than fiction” companion to your murder mystery.

I will read it! I want to say this too...I know that I’m going to care about you forever and I hope that I’ll be able to keep you close to me in some way...even if you find some young man you like better than me.

I can’t see liking anyone more than you Kazu. 

I’d meant that too.

A week after that exchange Kazu came to Tokyo and it was during that visit when I’d learn about his “other lady” in Kyoto per my request. I respected and appreciated his transparency with me, and because it was obvious that he was honest despite the discomfort in having to be, I felt safe enough to sleep with him.

Before Shizuo I’d been with a few other guys, but being with Kazumi was like a completely different experience for me. It was passionate and animalistic, but somehow also kind and loving.

When he left I found myself feeling happier than I’d ever been in my life, and a week later he came back, noting that he “had to see me again before a month of [his] book tour.”

That fourth date was when he really started to open up to me. 

While in his arms he quietly told me about his childhood, and how at 7 years old his parents had died in a car accident. As a writer, he was able to go into detail about his grief and trauma surrounding the incident and I found tears quietly streaming down my face as he spoke.

He also told me about his first heartbreak (though not in detail), and how in some ways that was just as difficult as losing his parents. He quietly explained (and apologized) for keeping people at arm’s length for fear of growing too close and losing someone special.

“I’ve lost too many people in my life Sunshine...but I can already tell that I don’t want to lose you.”

Those moments are the reason why I held on to Kazumi in his absence. 

They’re the reason why I pined for him despite the fact that he was unable to be as “present” as Makoto had been in the week we’d been together.

They felt deeper...but at the same time words are pretty, but actions speak louder.

Knowing that there were many moments that Kazumi was in Kyoto or elsewhere using the app we’d met on (thanks to public geotracking) plunged my heart into darkness. I knew that it had only been four dates spread over 2 months, but if he had asked me to be his I would have said yes without a second thought.

Why did he feel the need to go out with others if I was someone he was sure he didn’t want to lose?

He was maybe lying...

...or just selfish.

These were the thoughts that plagued me while apart from him, and I knew that on this fifth date I would need to get answers - even if it meant that this would be the last time I’d ever see him.

The intercom rang and I could feel myself shaking with nerves as I buzzed him into my apartment building. I slowly unlocked the door, preparing myself to see him after a month.

What if he looked different? What if he thought I looked different? What if we didn’t -

“Sunshine...”

Kazumi looked at me with those kind eyes of his that were never quite the same in the photos we sent each other while apart. He held out a bouquet of flowers for me (tulips to be exact) and with a grin added.

“It came with flower food. Very advanced.”

“Kazu...”

I could feel myself starting to shake. 

My nerves were getting the better of me, and I could feel affection welling up to the point I wondered if I should tell him that I wasn’t just starting to fall for him, but that I had already fallen.

Kazumi gently rested the flowers on the small table in my foyer and closed the front door behind him before taking me in his arms.

“I missed you so much Sunshine. I missed this so much.”

“Me too.”

I don’t know how long we stood there, but I knew that I was the happiest I’d been all week. 

I knew that unless something went awry, I was just going to fall more hopelessly in love with the man in front of me and because of how deep I already was in, I needed to know how he felt or run the risk of setting myself up for heartbreak so soon after Shizuo.

I know it sounds dramatic, but that moment at my door I wished that time would stretch on in a way that allowed me to live in that moment for longer than I’d be able. 

I found myself so scared that the answers wouldn’t be what I wanted, and that this was the last time I would be near him like this. That moment of being able to feel him and hold onto him was a moment that let me love him and pretend that he might love me too.

However, time doesn’t work that way and before I knew it he pulled his body away from mine before kissing me gently.

“You’ll get a real kiss once I’ve eaten and your nerves have calmed.”

I nodded, unable to speak, still shaking from the anxiety.

“I found a curry place around the corner from here - is that ok?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah Emi. My sweet Emi. I really did miss you.”

The walk over to the restaurant was uneventful. 

I’d managed to stop shaking and had started psyching myself up to deliver a speech of sorts where I would tell Kazumi that I couldn’t figure him out and that I wanted him to be honest about what his feelings were towards me.

I prepared myself for my biggest fear, which was that he would say I was fun and cute and if this stopped being fun for me he would understand.

“Kazu...”

“Alright. I know what I want - do you know what you want?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh boy,” he said with a chuckle. “I know that look of yours...”

“I...”

“You’ve got all the time in the world with me today Emi - let’s order first and then you can say as much as you want, alright?”

He reached across the table and took my hand in his, rubbing the back of it gently with his thumb. It reminded me of our first date, when we’d sat together at a restaurant and he’d somehow managed to do the same thing despite the fact that up until that point I hadn’t let a man touch me since Shizuo.

For some reason that day, I’d let him and with a mischievous smile he’d asked me if I liked the way he touched me.

I did then, and I did now.

When the waiter had left us, I took a deep breath and delivered my speech to Kazumi.

I told him that I couldn’t figure him out. I told him that he hid his feelings too well behind his words and his playfulness. I told him that I was starting to feel a lot for him and that I was frightened - convinced at times that I was just a young plaything to him that was nothing more than an exciting fuck, which in turn helped him to feel youthful again.

I asked him what he wanted from me. 

What this was exactly and what his ideal scenario was with us.

And then I waited - my eyes glued to a spot on the table for fear of what his expression might be.

“Sunshine...”

“What?”

“Sunshine...look at me.”

Kazumi’s gaze was soft and sweet, and I felt myself relax a little under it. 

“I don’t take a train 6 hours just because you’re good in the sack. I mean you are...but that’s not why I do it.”

“So why then?”

“Mmmm why indeed...”

“Kazu stop - I’m serious. I know you’re seeing that...other lady and I’m just confused why you bother when you have someone in the same city. And that’s not even a jealousy thing - it just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“It’s simple. I really like you Emi. I want you in my life - I can already tell that you’re someone who is going to be really special to me.”

“But what’s your ideal in all this? Like...I know you’ve said you don’t want to know about if I’m seeing anyone but do you care if I am?”

“Of course. I don’t want to know because I think I’d go mad with jealousy.”

“But then...I just don’t understand what you want.”

“What I want...I guess...maybe one day when you feel more ready, and when I’m ready...you’d be my girlfriend. I’d visit you here and you’d come to Kyoto to see me.”

"But what about...”

“There’s no future there for me, just fun...but you’re not there yet anyway right? That ex of yours...you’re not over him.”

Kazumi was right, but in that moment it just felt like a bit of an excuse. That said, I had no real retort.

The waiter took advantage of my pause to deliver our food, and with a big smile Kazumi exclaimed, “wow this looks great!” before taking a bite.

We ate in silence for a bit before Kazu looked at me with a serious expression and asked, “You’re not satisfied, are you? Tell me Sunshine - what do you want?”

“Huh?”

“What’s your ideal? If you could have things your way - what would that be?”

It was obvious - a world in which Kazumi lived full-time in Tokyo and was committed to dating me and only me. However, that wasn’t reality and if I thought about it, I found that my chest tightened ever so slightly at the thought of rushing into another relationship so quickly after Shizuo, and with that my bottom lip began to quiver on its own.

“I don’t know. I feel so confused.”

“Emi...it’s okay. There’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere...”

“I just...I don’t know what it is about you Kazu. You scare me so much. In the past when I’ve felt this way it’s never been reciprocated and I just feel like there’s gotta be a catch or something. I’m so scared you’re going to break my heart and after Shizuo - I just don’t think I can handle it. So please, if you’re the good person I think you are, and if there’s any chance you’re going to hurt me let’s just say goodbye after today.”

“Don’t say that. That’s too sad - please, don’t say that. I’d be heartbroken if you stopped talking to me.”

I knew he was serious by the way he looked at me. He could tell that I was starting to pull away, tempted to cut and run, and he grabbed my hand the way I liked, lacing his fingers through mine and giving it a squeeze.

“Don’t go anywhere, okay? Let’s just enjoy this together.”

At that moment, something changed for me.

I think it was due to the fact that it was obvious that he meant what he said. At the very least I was not just some plaything and his feelings for me were incredibly real. 

I had a hard time believing that I consumed his thoughts as much as he did mine, but at least I knew I was there somewhat.

It’s hard to be in the presence of the great Kazumi Kagami and not enjoy yourself. The ease in which he brings people out, and to that point, the ease in which he allows me to feel comfortable as myself soon had me back to normal.

By the end of our meal I was laughing and grilling him about all his adventures on the road. 

I learned about the nights out with his publisher, heard funny stories, and got travel and restaurant recommendations as he happily disclosed what he got up to while we were apart without realizing that many of those nights I figured his silence meant that he was with another woman. 

Instead I learned that he often would drink with Kotoko (his editor) and the people who organized each event, often returning to his hotel room in the early morning and ending his day by reading whatever it was I had sent him via TalkTime.

With a playful twinkle he took my hand as we left the restaurant to walk around my neighborhood and whispered, “Reading your texts made me feel a little less lonely in that room every night.”

That sentiment alone made me feel loved, and soon all the concerns I’d had about continuing down this path with him had melted away. 

We were back to being our happiest, best selves together as we enjoyed the park near my apartment before watching a film, and finally heading home for the night.

Every moment was filled with affection from Kazumi who either held my hand, or my waist, or kissed my cheek as we went from place to place. He not only had an ability to get me to relax and be myself but to make the person I was feel special and loved.

And perhaps it was for that reason alone that come nightfall I felt in my heart that I loved him.

At the time, it wasn’t a scary thought but a nice one. 

I had been so skeptical that I could ever be capable of feeling something like that again after Shizuo had betrayed me so deeply, yet I found myself naked in the arms of a man I’d grown to love after a few short months and in a way far deeper, and more honest than I ever had with Shizuo.

From the second I’d met Kazumi I’d felt this instant spark. Nothing had to be worked on - it was like magic.

I thought that kerosine and fire feeling would quickly wear off yet every time we were together it was the same and it had stretched on far longer than I thought it possible.

For the first time in my life I wondered if it was possible to convert that elusive instant connection into something that could stand the test of time.

Kazumi nuzzled my neck and I squirmed in his arms until I was facing him again. Our eyes locked, and my giggles subsided and instead were replaced by a deep feeling of contentment I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. I stared deep into his eyes, which at the moment reflected back the same placid feeling I was experiencing. 

My hand acted on its own, cupping his cheek before gently stroking his hair, eventually pushing it back and off his forehead. I then lovingly touched the hair on the side of his head, and then the back of his neck as I brought his face closer to mine and kissed him in a way which I hoped would communicate my feelings without words.

I don’t know when it was that we fell asleep after that. 

We quietly talked for a bit about our past relationships and once more, Kazumi opened up about the loss of an ex girlfriend (in far more detail this time) who was the root of why he was so noncommittal. At the time my back was to him but I could hear the hurt in his voice and felt a tear trickle down his face onto mine.

“You deserve a guy with a lot less baggage Sunshine.”

“You know a very smart man once told me that every experience you’ve been through, good or bad, makes you who you are today. And I really like the person you are today so I don’t mind.”

“Emi...I’m not used to having my own words turned on me...”

Kazumi buried his face in my hair by my neck and I felt his body as it held me tight, letting go of all the quiet tears he’d been holding inside.

Intimacy is a funny thing.

Some people mistake sex for intimacy, but what we experienced that night was intimacy in its truest form. Both of us allowed each other to be fully naked in front of the other, and as we opened up we were relieved to find that the person beside us did not push us aside, but instead pulled us closer.

Having experienced real intimacy with Kazumi reminded me of how superficial my current relationship with Makoto was. 

This was not to say Mako and I could not achieve something deeper, but in that moment if I had to choose there was no real choice.

It was Kazumi.

It’s always been Kazumi.

That realization only made his departure that much more difficult. 

“I wish I could keep you,” I muttered sadly, clinging onto him in my foyer.

“I’ll be back soon enough. I can’t have you getting sick of me.”

“I’d never get sick of you. You’re too weird, and funny, and handsome.”

“Emi...my beautiful Emi. My heart - I’m so happy we met.”

He kissed me again for a final time before leaving. It was a long, drawn out sweet kiss that tricked me into believing he loved me as much as I loved him.

We had not said those words, both cognizant that it was far too soon to say something so serious, but my heart whispered them as we kissed.

“Goodbye.”

“Not goodbye - see you soon Sunshine.”

An hour later I was coming down from the high of seeing Kazumi.

In the middle of our movie date, I’d covertly checked my TalkTime in the bathroom and saw Makoto had let me know he was back in Toyko and was hoping to meet up. I told him that I had a friend from out of town visiting, but that I could meet him the following day (Sunday).

We quickly made plans and I felt like a bit of a player as I’d returned to Kazumi.

All this had occurred before we’d shared such an intimate night together, and now that I had another date in a few hours I found myself conflicted. 

I didn’t want to lead Makoto on, but technically we just started seeing each other.

Would I have to disclose what I’d been up to? He knew that since my ex (who cheated on me) I had rebounded with someone else and not gotten tested. Kazumi’s status was the same - one additional partner and protected sex.

Either way, I couldn’t in good conscience go on a date with Mako until I showered and changed my sheets...

...just in case.

I took my time getting ready and thinking things over. I was so in my head that I didn’t realize I had pending messages - one from Kazumi and two from Makoto.

I opened Mako’s messages first:

Hey! I’m looking forward to seeing you again :)

Do you still want me to come over around 7?

I wasn’t sure. Seeing Kazumi reminded me how much I liked him and it was so hard to think about shifting gears and seeing Makoto even though I knew we had something together as well.

Not wanting to decide in that moment, I opened Kazu’s text:

Thanks for being so sweet and kind and beautiful and funny.

It was sweet and ironically not super elegant for a man who was a brilliant writer.

For some reason, as my heart swelled, I found myself compelled to open the app I met Kazumi on. He was only in town for a few more hours and we’d been apart two at most.

I wanted to believe that after our weekend he wouldn’t need to log in. 

He would feel so full of love and affection that a dating app would be the last thing on his mind, however when I went to see his profile my heart sank.

He was on and only a few miles away.

I knew that he was not mine and that I was not his. 

I knew that I was a hypocrite, seeing as how I used the apps still and even worse, had another young man waiting in the wings to see me.

Despite understanding that logically, my emotions got the better of me. Not wanting to feel like the “loser” in the situation I found that fear gripped me in an uncontrollable way and I wrote back to Makoto:

I was just thinking of all the reasons why I’m happy we met. 7 works - see you then.

Read Chapter 5

So...I’m curious if you guys have experienced what our MC is going through. These apps seem to create the perfect environment for jealousy and paranoia to flourish. Has anyone ever confronted someone they were seeing about always using them? Do you think Emi should ask Kazumi why he’s always on?

As always, I hope you guys are enjoying them as much as my purely fictional works and that you’ll comment and share with thoughts.

If you’re feeling really generous I hope you’ll consider buying me a coffee!

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[tessatechaitea]

Kid Eternity #1

I swear to God I ruined my underwear when I saw Ann Nocenti wrote this.

I like the vague ambiguity of the phrase "ruined my underwear." Did I come in them or shit myself? Probably both since it's Ann Nocenti! Her writing is fucking terrible but in that way that I can't get enough of it! And I have no memory of this comic book so I'm actually pretty excited right now. Like the first time I realized I could make my own dick hard by shoving a finger up my ass. The story begins with three homeless men having a philosophical discussion about how terrible women are. You know, the way men do. Men like to defend this kind of talk as "locker room" talk, as if the locker room is some kind of special out-of-bounds timeout area where nothing said or done actually counts. Which, if it were true, would mean I was never bullied in 8th grade for having man tits. I will say this: boys and men behave like monsters in a locker room. Some of us have avoided locker rooms, to the best of our abilities, for most of our lives because of men who somehow think it's their safe space to act like the sociopaths they truly are. Fucking thank God women exist if being in the presence of women means terrible fucking men think they can't be themselves. Because nobody needs a society of men acting in public the way they act in a locker room. And anybody who uses the phrase "locker room talk" as an excuse for certain types of behavior are telling on themselves. Because that person in the locker room is who they truly are and the person hiding behind the mask is the one who leaves that locker room and knows they have to hide some secret, terrible side of themselves. What I'm trying to say by way of Ann Nocenti's homeless people is that Donald Trump and his defenders are sociopathic monsters who would tell me to get over it and it's just a joke after they came up behind me in the locker room and grabbed one of my man boobs in 8th Grade. Fuck them and fuck you, Steve Garcia. One of the homeless men, Josef, is all, "I love the way you sing, Willie, but you call women a lot of derogatory names in your songs!" And Willie is all, "Oh, you know I love them so much! We're the bastards and they're the best for loving us!" And then the last one whose name I don't know yet is all, "Josef, you're a bigger chump than your Biblical namesake." Which made me think, "That's not cool! Why call poor Joseph a chump? How was it his fault his brothers were jealous pricks who stole his beautiful coat and threw him in a pit to be devoured by wolves?!" Was that what happened or am I mixing my Biblical stories with Aesop's fables? Anyway, it turns out he meant Joseph as in Mary and Joseph. But why would I think of that Joseph before the Old Testament Joseph?! Mary's Joseph is practically the least important character in The Bible! Probably because he was such a chump. Does "chump" mean "a super understanding and sweet and compassionate and not at all jealous (although maybe a little naive and gullible?) kind of person"? After the nameless homeless person makes their joke about how Josef would buy the virgin birth excuse, he laughs uproariously. People who laugh at their own jokes confuse me. Sometimes I'll laugh at something funny I've said but generally only after other people laugh at it and then their laughter might be infectious. Or because I've said something that I didn't know I was going to say and it catches me by surprise as well. But you know how many people say a thing and then laugh immediately after? It's like they've been trained by laugh tracks to think that other people won't know something is funny if you don't chuckle at it immediately. I know a few people who sort of chuckle after everything they say and it infuriates me! Sometimes it just feels like they're doing it to say, "Ha ha! I know what I just said is nonsense and wasn't worth uttering and shouldn't be taken seriously so here's my apologetic chuckle." I'd prefer the statement without the laugh just as I prefer my sitcoms without the audience laughter. And while it might be forgivable for a person to laugh or chuckle at their own statements while in conversation with others, it's absolutely reprehensible when somebody writes something on Facebook or Twitter and ends with a "lol" or the crying while laughing emoji. The level of hilarity in your statement ain't for you to decide, bruv.

"I wish I were alive." Wait. This homeless guy's dead?

Across the street from the homeless encampment stands a warehouse where strange things have been going on. Or, at least, one strange thing has been going on: a guy that looks like John Lennon reincarnated has been squatting there. That's a strange enough premise for a comic book, right? Maybe the looking like John Lennon isn't the strange bit. That's just the descriptive bit. The strange bit is that he dreams about finding water in a toilet with a divining rod while a little kid shoots him in the stomach. He wakes up with a bullet wound while some paranormal government investigators drop by to get help him on a case. And don't think they're just clones of Scully and Mulder because of their hair color. The guy, Jerry, is a dead comedian returned to life in the body of a homicidal killer (no, he's not Shade the Changing Man) and the lady, Val, has been chased by demons and serial killers who never had a proper father transference and loves to quote psychologists. They've got a real Bud Abbott and Lou Costello vibe going. Kid Eternity (the John Lennon clone) squats with an angel named Keep. I don't know what's going on yet but it'll truly be weird seeing as how Ann Nocenti wrote it. Not because she's good at writing weird things. She just writes things that sound like a non-native speaker translating something from their language into English. You know, Engrish. Ann Nocenti writes in Engrish.

Weird how the guy is into a plan that he'll only be involved with for five minutes and the woman who will have to deal with it for the rest of her life is all, "Fuck this nonsense!"

One of Kid Eternity's super powers is to yell the word "eternity" which summons a historical personage. He tries to summon Cupid to get the FBI agents to fuck but it doesn't work. Probably because Cupid isn't real but also maybe because Cupid is dead, according to Keep. He reminds Kid Eternity that gods die when people stop believing in them. Which is weird because you'd think Cupid would still have quite a bit of life in him. Isn't Valentine's Day practically a holy day dedicated to him? If Cupid isn't still alive, no way is The People of the Book's god, God, still alive! I bet there's more actual worship of Cupid and love on Valentine's Day than all the religious fervor for the monotheistic God during the whole year. And that God has three big religions worshiping his ass! I just think a large percentage of his worship is lip service (which is also a large percentage of Cupid's worship, if you get what I'm saying (oral sex)). Next there's a scene in a church where a Reverend Murphy gets drunk on confirmation wine and gropes a nun. She then hides a thorny cross in her underwear and he grabs it and gets cut. She then says, "See?" And he's all, "See what?" And that's it. That's the scene. I suppose it sets up Kid Eternity in the confessional but I don't know why. Also I don't know if the nun hides the cross in her underwear. But you have to make your own calls when reading an Ann Nocenti scene. Often, two characters who seem to be having a dialogue (based on my years of experience reading comic books where if two people are in the same panel and both have word balloons, that means the people are speaking to each other) wind up having two separate conversations in which neither seems to be responding to the other. Maybe Ann Nocenti has only ever had conversations on Internet messaging systems? Knowing that Ann Nocenti has never talked with another living being face to face would go a long way to explaining her writing. Actually, nothing can explain her writing. I keep trying to explain it but I'm really in over my head here. Maybe this is what it's like being a dumb ass? Maybe Ann Nocenti is so much smarter than me, I'm like a mentally disabled person trying to parse Shakespeare. I just don't have the brain power to understand this stuff so my natural defenses kick in. "I'm not too stupid to understand this; Ann Nocenti is stupid! She writes dumbly! Like a huge dumb moron dumby!" Since the FBI agents won't fuck to produce a special Buddha Christ child, Kid Eternity needs to search the world for the next step in human evolution. So he screams "Eternity!" and summons Madame Blavatsky to help. I began reading the Wikipedia page on Madame Blavatsky so when I make a joke about her fraudulent spiritualism, I could do it being well-informed. But I was immediately derailed when I read that her mother translated into Russian the novels of Edward Bulwer-Lytton. How do I get past that?! I'm fucking flabbergasted. I'm fucking stunned that this is a thing. The cogs in my brain ground to a halt. Now I'm never going to understand Blavatsky's theory of Theosophy because this fact has rerouted all of my processing power to mull it over. Even if I read about her spiritualism and belief in Theosophy, I won't retain any of it. I can only learn one fact per day as extraordinary as this Edward Bulwer-Lytton/Madame Blavatsky connection. The more I read about Madame Blavatsky, the more I feel like maybe Ann Nocenti considered herself a modern day version of the spiritualist. Maybe she even thought she was the reincarnation of the woman. I suppose I only think this because Blavatsky was so well educated (both by others and by her own insatiable reading habits) and Ann Nocenti's writings, while confusing and off-kilter, are full of things a well-educated person would mention if they wanted people to know they're well-educated. I know this because I don't understand most of it. The worst part about reading about Madame Blavatsky is thinking, "What the fuck have I done with my life?" after every single sentence of her biography where she's learning something new, or going someplace new, or convincing more people that she's traveled astrally and been visited by a mysterious Indian man in a mystic vision. Although reading that a lot of historians mark about 10 to 25 of her years as being "unreliable" and "largely uncorroborated" makes me feel a little bit better. I suppose if I had to make an accounting of my life without worry of anybody offering a conflicting opinion, my life would be super exciting too! Just think! I could get people to believe I've slept with more than four women! Or three women. Is four already sounding too unbelievable? Maybe two? Well, at least one! And it was so good! Madame Blavatsky's Wikipedia article contains the most uses of the word "allegedly" right after O.J. Simpson's. I wish I'd lived in an age where people couldn't corroborate anything I said I'd done and the only reason people wouldn't simply outright believe it would be because none of the things I said happened were ever mentioned in anybody I knew personally's diary. "Well, sure, Grunion Guy said he had marital relations with more than four women but we couldn't find proof of his relations with any of those women written down in their diaries. Maybe the mysterious entry 'Had a terrible night. Will not repeat that experience' possibly backs up the assertion but, if so, a night with Grunion Guy was no more memorable than a night of eating bad seafood." I'm sorry. This is now becoming a review of Madame Blavatsky. But I feel like I need to know everything that Ann Nocenti knew to understand her story.

Err, or maybe I don't. Maybe I'm reading too much into Nocenti's work.

Madame Blavatsky's first question to Kid Eternity is "What's to eat in this century?" That's because she's fat. It's funny, right? Speaking of being fat, I was watching some Community last week and they're discussing whether a name sounds like a fat girl's name. Mostly Pierce is discussing that because the others are too young and woke to think in those terms. But Pierce says the name is a fat girl's name, "like Gravy Jones." My cat's name is Gravy so now I keep telling her that she has the name of a fat girl. Which is probably appropriate because she's such a coot widdle stocky lady with the shortest little back legs and oh my God I'm so in love with her.

It's only fair that if I mention Gravy, I have to supply a photo of Gravy.

Being a Vertigo title, there are tits. Lots and lots of tits. But only in a scene of the Greek Gods as they awaken from a two thousand year old orgy coma. Kid Eternity woke them up by calling for Cupid. Except Cupid isn't the first to wake for some reason. That reason is so that Hermes can switch his love arrows with Ares' hate arrows. Who knew Ares had hate arrows? Zeus doesn't care about any of it because he just wants to rape something. But Hera is all, "Rape is way too hard now! They made, like, laws against it!" Which seems like a weird thing to say. As if rape would be acceptable without a law against it? Hmm, what am I saying? Even with laws against it, it's almost acceptable with all of these "boys will be boys" banner waving frat boys running our world into the ground. Meanwhile, Madame Blavatsky stuffs Twinkies down her throat followed by Coke chasers. She jumps to a lot of conclusions while trying to figure out who Kid Eternity is and why he summoned her. But since she thinks up those conclusions, they must be true. You need somebody in a comic book who somehow knows more than they should know to explain things to the reader. I find it an annoying shortcut because it just spits out a bunch of truth from an absolutely trustworthy source instead of finding a reasonable way to present the information through actual events in the story. It's like in the HBO series The Outsider where they're investigating the murder of a child and things are getting really weird. So as the show moves from a seemingly normal murder investigation into the paranormal realm, an unknown woman happens to overhear one of the investigators talking to a lead, takes her aside, and explains exactly what the fuck the murderer/monster is. Did the writers think that this just looked like hard work by the investigator paying off as opposed to what it really was: random luck that the investigator happened to run into some omniscient character who isn't a mental patient with a crackpot theory at all but the one person who knows the absolute truth of one of the craziest mysteries of the universe? At least Madame Blavatsky's revelations are just mild speculations about Kid Eternity's part in the universe and who might have created him to be a key player. She doesn't just hand out the answers for free. Speaking of characters who give the answers to the mystery, the only acceptable one was M. Night Shyamalan's character in Signs. The characters should have believed that he knew what he was talking about when he said the aliens were probably susceptible to water because he was the writer and the director. I mean, why aren't you listening to that guy?! Although I still hate the movie because the whole point is that all the "signs" point to a proof that there is something greater in the universe (like, you know, God) directing our movements and lives. But that only makes sense because the story was written by a person and so that person is basically the God setting the events in place. Of course everything in the script happens for a reason because it was written that way. Life isn't a fucking M. Night Shyamalan script (thank God!). Double meanwhile, some Catholic priests and nuns are releasing a bunch of demons they've kept in captivity because the Pope said they should. I'm sure it has something to do with Kid Eternity and his search for the new age Buddha Jesus but I can't logically connect the dots. Reading an Ann Nocenti story is like looking at a magic eye painting. You can't really understand it by simply looking at it. You have to cross your eyes until your head hurts and hold your breath until you nearly pass out and maybe ingest some bad oysters to boot. You know there's probably a recognizable image in there somewhere but fuck it if you have the patience to see it. I just grabbed a Magic Eye picture at random on the Internet and screwed up my vision to see what it was and it said, "I

A typical Nocenti page. She just throws every idea in her head at the page and hopes it sounds profound. I suddenly feel like I have a lot in common with her.

Oh, the demons were let out to kill anybody who might have a Buddha Christ child! I finally fucking understand Ann Nocenti! It took some work (I've been reading this comic book for five days now) but I got there! She's working on a sort of a "spirituality is good and can save mankind but religious dogma is bad and wants to keep them in the dark" theme! That's probably why she brought in Madame Blavatsky. Because she founded that whole Theosophical Society which believed the answers to everything would be born out of religion, science, and philosophy. There were some truths in all religions (having been, she believed, based on one Ancient Wisdom) but none of them practiced it correctly and most were frauds to keep elites in power. Maybe she was a fraud as a spiritualist and as an autobiographer but she might have been on the right track in the core truth of existence. Not that I believe there's a core truth of existence. Einstein said that God doesn't play dice with the universe. But I say it's dice all the way down! Most of life is us trying to maintain the illusion of control. It's why we seek answers. We want to have as much information as possible so that all of the choices we make have an absolute 100% known outcome. But we can never have that and that's what makes life a tragedy. The proof of my theory is Pulp Fiction. The arc for most of the characters in the film depend almost entirely on random happenstance. We might control every aspect of our lives as much as we can but can we control when we need to take a shit? Fuck no. I mean, a little bit! But not to the degree that our lives won't be affected by taking one. Vincent dies because he takes a shit at the wrong time. Jules manages to stop the diner robbery because he's in the bathroom when it breaks out. That one guy almost kills both Jules and Vincent because he's in the bathroom when they come for the glowing briefcase. And it's not just that we can't control our bowels. John McClane runs into Wallace at a crosswalk. It's all fucking random, man! And if you don't accept pop culture entertainment as theoretical proof of the workings of the universe, I have a personal anecdote! I once applied for a job at a comic book store. A day or two later, I was taking a shit when I heard the phone ring. It was the store leaving a message to call them back about the job. I tried to call them back but either had the wrong number or couldn't get through somehow. So taking the shit made me miss my dream job! Taking a shit is the worst thing you can do for your health and your dreams.

I totally get where you're coming from, Gregory, but the "enforced" part of your plan might be a problem.

That plan by Gregory was considered a woke thought in the early 90s. Pretty sure I had it in college. Not the enforced part! Just that vision of the future we've all had or heard somebody come up with while drinking late into the night and feeling particularly melancholy. That vision where everybody has mocha skin and brown eyes and beautiful, thick black hair and nobody hates anybody for superficial differences. Although as Anthrax pointed out, "Would we hate each other by the sound of our voice? Tell me how it feels to be hated! Tell me how it feels to be loved! Tell me what it means to be respected! Or is the answer none of the above?!" Have I hit on what makes Ann Nocenti's writing both interesting and not very good? She somehow has a photographic memory for every profound thought she's ever had throughout her life and when she sits down to write, they all crowd up to the front clamoring to be added to the story. And so her story becomes a jumble of mixed up theories and random shower thoughts that never quite fit together into a coherent narrative. Holy fuck! I think I've finally cracked her and the reason why I love reading her terrible stories! Do I love the heart and determination of her need to profess profundities while lacking all control of the story?! Fucking hell. She's my Tommy Wiseau, isn't she/ "The stranger" in the above comic book caption is Cupid. He's been summoned by Kid Eternity but he arrived late because he had to wake up from a God coma. Plus he has hate arrows on him instead of love arrows. Oh man, just think of all the mischief he's going to create!

Fuckin' amen, Gregory. And by the transitive property, fuckin' amen to Ann Nocenti too.

I refuse to believe that Ann Nocenti's writing has moved me in any way. I have just hit myself in the side of the head with a hammer and am blacking out. When I come to, I shall have no memory of this every happennaodgigk Man, my head hurts! I guess I was reading this Ann Nocenti comic book and I had a stroke! I guess I'll never know even if the me having the stroke typed something about it in the previous paragraph because, as anybody who has read anything I've ever written knows, I don't fucking proofread, edit, or rewrite. Keep and Madame Blavatsky have gone around putting a huge 'X' on the door of every person who might produce a Buddha Christ child. The demon angel babies have gone around murdering all of the people behind those doors. And they're working for the church! I love a good story where the church is the bad guy. So close to real life!

Either the murderer is Madame Blavatsky or this panel is part of a Hostess advert.

Actually, the demon angel babies are also into 20th Century snack food because all the church ever fed them was the blood of innocents and priestly confessions of pederasty. Although if those were Oreo flavors, I'd be all over them. Somehow Kid Eternity has convinced the feminist (who spent at least one full page discussing how much she hates dicks and erections) to consider carrying the Buddha Christ child. She's totally against dicks getting anywhere near her love portal but when she sees the dead guy, she's all, "Oh! Never mind! He's cute! Maybe do that He-man yell where you summon somebody from the past to this guy and I'll fuck the fuck out him." But instead of Kid Eternity remembering he can bring anybody from the past by raising the Sword of Grayskull over his head and screaming like a maniac, he decides to not remember that. Guess what happens that you've already guessed by all the clues in the story so far? That's right! Cupid shoots the two FBI Agents with his hate arrows! And now they want to fuck each other even less than before! Now they want to Human Centipede each other! But not in a hot way like the term "Human Centipede" suggests. Kid Eternity has a dream that Jesus is old and getting drunk at a bar. He's expecting Kid Eternity to save the world. Jesus can't do it because he's just a dream. I think the real Jesus has turned goth and been sent to Hell.

So is this Satan? He's different than Lucifer in the DC Universe, right? Maybe Satan is also Andrew Bennett!

If not for the "I've gotten a bum rap for all the evil ever" speech, I was hoping this was Jesus Christ in Hell. But I get the whole Last Supper thing but for Satan is some kind of analogy or metaphor that's supposed to make me think. So let me think. Oooh. Ahhh. Profound! Kid Eternity and Suzie the Feminist meet a guy named Dog who hunts the little dirty angel demon babies. He acts like an animal and quotes Susan Sontag. I probably went through a phase where I quoted Susan Sontag. But then my critical lit theory course ended and I was all, "Why was she so afraid of flying?" That was a joke that I'm leaving in even though the few people who understand it will simply think I'm an ignorant moron. And even after understanding it was a joke, it probably will just downgrade "ignorant moron" to "asshole misogynist." Still, it made me chuckle. Suzie points out to Kid Eternity that Madame Blavatsky was a charlatan and he's all, "Dammit! I spent my whole budget for the month on Hostess snacks!" And then Madame Blavatsky pops in eating a Twinkie and a Ding Dong and is all, "It was all worth it for the delicious creamy center and spongy golden cake!" Also, they discover Suzie's computer is now pregnant with the Buddha Christ child. Thank God! That takes care of the problem of finding a woman to incubate the thing. Who would fucking want that job?! Even Mary probably would have turned down the job if God had asked for consent. Later, Kid Eternity finds a baby in a trash can beneath his window. A woman runs up and is all, "My baby!" And Kid Eternity is all, "Oh, yeah. Here you go. You must have left it in the trash." And she runs off with it and Kid Eternity finds the baby healed his bullet wound. It was the Buddha Christ child! Thrown out like last week's tampon! Is that how long a tampon stays in? A full week? Kid Eternity #1 Rating: B. While confusing at times because Ann Nocenti really has a lot to say and seems to think it all needed to be said in this comic book, I still sort of enjoyed it. The dialogue wasn't as confusing as some of Nocenti's dialogue can get although there were times I clearly recognized Nocenti's handiwork. Mostly in the way characters methodically explain what they're doing so the reader understands exactly how the plot is moving forward by the character's actions. It's such pure Nocenti that had I not known she wrote this, I'd have assumed it was her. Some of her ideas, she just throws out there in a way which you can tell she isn't going to explore them any further. Those ideas are some of her best in this book. But even the ones that seem to be making up the foundation of the book (more abundant than you would expect. This comic was dense and long) have the potential to be interesting. I only bought three issues of this book before I came to my senses which either means it gets absolutely confusing or I just couldn't follow a story with this much going on in month to month intervals. Hopefully the next two issues just get worse because I don't want to feel tempted to seek out the rest of this series. Oh, and judging by the "Next Month" blurb at the end, the Satanic figure is Beelzebub. Although wasn't he a fly-shaped demon in The Demon?