#i did SO WELL TODAY
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sae-something · 4 days ago
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my extra strong PRN is working and I had 2 glasses of wine so I started rambling and spiralling.
(i'm not fine but i'm safe and just gonna go sleep now. sorry about this.)
I feel so broken. It's just fighting SH urges all day. Last week on monday, we hit something really deep in therapy. I don't really grasp the full weight of it yet, but it felt really, really big. I was overwhelmed, I told A what a young (traumatized) part was saying inside, and A helped me by holding her (imagination). She made a little bowl out of her hands and told me she held this little girl in her safe and still and calm and warm hands, and that we could wrap her in my scarf, and that all 'little girls like that' need is to be held.
And then on thursday we had the evaluation (with HT) and it felt impossibly and unbearably painful to not have any space for all that pain, for all the little girls. I emailed A on wednesday to let her know that I felt the intense turmoil inside about 'seeing her (and HT) without having space for all the pain'.
A didn't read the email until friday. So on thursday I was sitting there with HT and A and it felt like pure and absolute abandonment. To have to sit there with the two people knowing me (and all my parts) closest, and to not have any space for how I felt like a walking wound, like a vulnerable bleeding open wound. Some angry/defensive parts got really, really triggered afterwards.
Eventually A replied to the email on friday and it was a good reply. It made me cry. And I have been counting down the actual hours until therapy again. And then this morning she emailed to cancel.
And also last night I had a dream. My sister finally came to me and in my dream I felt a wave of sadness and relief - until I noticed that my sister could not even look at me. She was just emptily staring at a spot next to me as she told me: dad is dying, you have to come to say goodbye. I went there, and my mother and sister just ignored me. It was like being invisible. They were making me wait until I could see my dad. By the time they finally came to get me, he had already died.
I woke up and went to pee. Didn't have many feelings (some confusion about whether it was real; a few tears - then back to sleep), but it's been haunting me all day. Both my parents had so many health scares over the last year. What if something happens? Will someone notify me? How will I feel? What will I do?
And then I couldn't see A today. When all I needed was her. I've been calming myself down by imagining seeing her again. And now she's gone. And this week, precisely this week, I am going to visit friends in Belgium thursday til saturday. And only two weeks ago A told me she could see me on thursday (online) this week. But that's not possible because I have to catch the train sometime in the morning.
And now all of it just feels like it's my fault. I wanted A too much, so she got sick. I had too many emotions, so she got sick. I decided to not see her twice this week, and she got sick. I wanted her too much, I wanted her too little, I felt too much, I shared too little. I should have flipped out on thursday, would that have mattered? All I want is to hurt myself. Pain pain pain pain pain. Please. I wish someone would just hurt me already.
Sorry I'm getting more and more triggered so I'll stop writing now and just go lay in bed. Only 2 days of work this week - tuesday and wednesday. And then days with friends. On sunday I'll watch both frozen movies with a close friend. And then hopefully A will be back??? Obviously britney, mara and whoever else is angry and distrustful is growling "we're NOT going back" but like. I will. I always go back. I've always been the one to crawl back, begging for another crumb of kindness, another drop of warmth.
I am drowning in longing. I just want A. I want to be a child and to have A as a mother. Even if I'd get born again with a whole new life and I'd get another mother who would hurt me, I'd want it to be A. (I know how fucked up that is to write.) (It's just how everything is messed up. Love comfort longing safety --- pain sexthings terror - what's the difference? What's the difference? Nothing, nothing, nothing. It's all the same. The only thing that's changed is that I am now close enough to other parts to prevent them from emailing A, begging her "will you please hurt me".
Which is good but also means it's not even getting out anymore. Everything is just stuck inside. I'm so alone. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will. Please hurt me. Please hold me.
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steampoweredskeleton · 1 year ago
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#delete later#did a good compromise today. my therapist will be proud. only minorly panicky now#and have been making my chainmail things and it makes me very happy#have started designing the arm bracers abd bought fabric glue for the material ill be using#probs gonna make it velcrow abd add decorative buckles so dont have to worry about flaps of material#have the shape sorted and am gonna experiment with foam and stuff#have a good idea pf how to attach thr chainmail to it. just how to make it all stiff enough that it keeps its shape#ive been using cardboard for a lot of things but i dont like using it for wearable stuff bc i worry about washing things#im a messy person i need to be able to wash things without it falling apart#i have a yoga mat that might be good. i would just need to figure oit how to set it in a certain position#i have a tube i can dry it over. it might be a douse in pva and dry over cellophaned tube sorta deal#the cape is going well. hood is finished. cloak itself needs to be sewed around tge bottom and the front edge hemmed#thrn its just attaching thrm and decorating#i have fake autumn leaves abd acorns and i want to sculpt some shelf mushrooms out of my super light clay#but idk if thats overkill. i mean its my costune so that doesbt matter i guess. im very proud of myself on this project and i love it#and i even nabaged to do sone work roday despite only being able to think about chainmail#legit spent entire morning making the main piece. needs lengthening but its looking good abd solid#OH ALSO I FUCKING CALLED THE DENTISTS. i havent been in four years bc of anxiety abd TODAY I CALLED A PLACE#REGISTERED THERE AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR NEXT WEEK#i did SO WELL TODAY
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bacchuschucklefuck · 5 months ago
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summer of junior year 06/11
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peteytheparrot · 3 months ago
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Why is no one talking about the fact that Bill is probably back as a bird? The last two pages in the book of bill show the statues eye not glowing, and the last page the eye is glowing with that looks like a bird on his hand. I would show pictures but I don’t have the book on me atm! Anyways bird bill…. I must draw him….
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hinamie · 2 months ago
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so just know, I'm healing / even though it don't feel like it
insp
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#fushiguro megumi#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fushiita#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#good evening it is past midnight and i am here furthering the itfs scar kissing agenda#stumbled across the insp pic buried in my likes and i went oh this is relevant in the opposite direction :) I Can Use This :)#op has some of my fav itfs fanart ill b so real n tht piece ws swimming around in my brain fr Days#so i told myself today my reward for submitting my zine checkin wld b drawing yuuji kissing megumi's scars#also pls observe. /this/ is what i mean when i say tht megumi receiving affection looks like he is unsure and in mild pain#Does Not Know How To Respond To Affection Even From His Own Boyfriend.png#i LOVE drawing megu with this expression so sosos much the downcast sidelong gaze + furrowed brow.....#its SO good#also idk what i did with his hair here but the render actually turned out so well ?? best megu hair to date every1 pls clap#not 2 mention th shape of yuuji's bangs???? pats self on th back no offense but i am on fire w these boys' hair lately#that being said i decided i did not want to render anything else ddfdfjjghdjgf i got tired#kept the rest flat n took the opportunity to play around w light chromatic abberation on the scars#idk if any1 noticed but i found th retro film filter n used it a bunch on my recent comic#its so convenient it comes w built in noise n everything!!!!!!#anyway . caption is salt fv <333 if u care <333333#i think it is also a megu song but like . a post-canon megu song#i thought this wld take longer bc i was planning on rendering everything so i cracked an energy drink and am tragically awake#shld i start smth new we shall see smile :)
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pancakemolybdenum · 5 months ago
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2015 called, it wants its cloudball back. redrawing things yet again.....
original here
dress design by @rumminov
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obsob · 8 months ago
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one thing u can count on me for is being normal about Some Guy
process under cut where u can see me losing my mind trying 2 figure out what i was doing in real time! :3
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expelliarmus · 4 months ago
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vanwizard · 2 years ago
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okay i will admit i enjoyed these three in the like. one scene they were actually all on screen together.
sofia voice shut up and get the fuck out goncharov, i’m gonna fuck your wife now.
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realian · 2 months ago
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this show would do numbers on here.
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journey-to-the-attic · 2 years ago
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one thing about ik is that she will always reach out
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cowboythighs · 12 days ago
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steddie semi-meet cute where adult star steve (whos attempting a record-breaking gangbang) falls for a mystery man (eddie) who takes him from behind and babbles (endearingly) in his ear nonstop until he finishes and is shuffled out. the only problem: steve never saw him—never got his name!
so steve does the only logical thing and gets a list of the participants from the producers and tracks them down, hoping to find the man he’s fallen for. when he gets to the last name on the list—wayne munson in forest hills trailer park.
steve’s disappointed when an older man—with a voice that’s clearly not his guys—answers the door and says he’s the only wayne munson living there. seeing steve’s despair, wayne invites him in for a drink and sets steve down at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee (with a healthy splash of bourbon) and a slice of chocolate cake and asks what brought steve to his door.
steve isn’t ashamed of his job, but he also is very aware of being alone in an unfamiliar home with a man he doesn’t know, so he glosses over the fine details and tells wayne that he’s an actor and he fell in love with an extra on scene and was trying to find him.
steve finds that talking to wayne is easy, and between the chocolate and the hot drink and a sympathetic ear, he starts to feel a bit better. he doesn’t know why someone used wayne’s name and address, but he’s glad his path crossed with waynes none the less.
wayne might not have answers to who his mystery guy is, but he’s a great listener and offers great advice.
when steve hears a car pull up outside, he regrets that their conversation must be coming to an end.
“don’t you worry about that,” wayne says, waving him off when steve tries to make his excuses. “that’s just my boy; he’s supposed to cook for me tonight. you should stay for dinner. he makes a mean lasagna.”
before steve can protest further, the front door opens and all ideas of leaving are gone. because the guy walking in looks like steves wet dreams—like the kind of guy he used to dream about skipping class with so he could rail steve over the picnic table in the woods behind the school.
wayne’s nephew has his hands full—bags of groceries hanging from both arms, a dish in hand that steve assumes is the lasagna, and an orange cat yowling at his heels while he apologizes to his uncle for being late.
steve’s so caught up in looking at eddie that he barely registers wayne explaining steve’s presence there.
when eddie turns to look at him, steve can tell eddie feels the same way about steve—that instant connection.
feeling confident, steve steps forward and offers his hand.
“i’m steve,” he says with his prettiest smile.
“i’m eddie. i think we’ve met before.”
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 6 months ago
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MDZS x ISAT part 1: In Stars and Necromancy.
(Part 2)
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maple-and-pie · 1 month ago
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Drew some silly Jirachis! They up in my shop now!
Edit: all sold! Thank you!
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hyacinthsdiamonds · 6 days ago
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Sorry, I've got "he knew him as Uncle Michael before he saw and understood his place in F1 history, and now he just broke his Uncle Michael's record of most consecutive days leading the F1 championship" in my eye -
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