#i did SO WELL TODAY

[sae-something]

my extra strong PRN is working and I had 2 glasses of wine so I started rambling and spiralling.

(i'm not fine but i'm safe and just gonna go sleep now. sorry about this.)

I feel so broken. It's just fighting SH urges all day. Last week on monday, we hit something really deep in therapy. I don't really grasp the full weight of it yet, but it felt really, really big. I was overwhelmed, I told A what a young (traumatized) part was saying inside, and A helped me by holding her (imagination). She made a little bowl out of her hands and told me she held this little girl in her safe and still and calm and warm hands, and that we could wrap her in my scarf, and that all 'little girls like that' need is to be held.

And then on thursday we had the evaluation (with HT) and it felt impossibly and unbearably painful to not have any space for all that pain, for all the little girls. I emailed A on wednesday to let her know that I felt the intense turmoil inside about 'seeing her (and HT) without having space for all the pain'.

A didn't read the email until friday. So on thursday I was sitting there with HT and A and it felt like pure and absolute abandonment. To have to sit there with the two people knowing me (and all my parts) closest, and to not have any space for how I felt like a walking wound, like a vulnerable bleeding open wound. Some angry/defensive parts got really, really triggered afterwards.

Eventually A replied to the email on friday and it was a good reply. It made me cry. And I have been counting down the actual hours until therapy again. And then this morning she emailed to cancel.

And also last night I had a dream. My sister finally came to me and in my dream I felt a wave of sadness and relief - until I noticed that my sister could not even look at me. She was just emptily staring at a spot next to me as she told me: dad is dying, you have to come to say goodbye. I went there, and my mother and sister just ignored me. It was like being invisible. They were making me wait until I could see my dad. By the time they finally came to get me, he had already died.

I woke up and went to pee. Didn't have many feelings (some confusion about whether it was real; a few tears - then back to sleep), but it's been haunting me all day. Both my parents had so many health scares over the last year. What if something happens? Will someone notify me? How will I feel? What will I do?

And then I couldn't see A today. When all I needed was her. I've been calming myself down by imagining seeing her again. And now she's gone. And this week, precisely this week, I am going to visit friends in Belgium thursday til saturday. And only two weeks ago A told me she could see me on thursday (online) this week. But that's not possible because I have to catch the train sometime in the morning.

And now all of it just feels like it's my fault. I wanted A too much, so she got sick. I had too many emotions, so she got sick. I decided to not see her twice this week, and she got sick. I wanted her too much, I wanted her too little, I felt too much, I shared too little. I should have flipped out on thursday, would that have mattered? All I want is to hurt myself. Pain pain pain pain pain. Please. I wish someone would just hurt me already.

Sorry I'm getting more and more triggered so I'll stop writing now and just go lay in bed. Only 2 days of work this week - tuesday and wednesday. And then days with friends. On sunday I'll watch both frozen movies with a close friend. And then hopefully A will be back??? Obviously britney, mara and whoever else is angry and distrustful is growling "we're NOT going back" but like. I will. I always go back. I've always been the one to crawl back, begging for another crumb of kindness, another drop of warmth.

I am drowning in longing. I just want A. I want to be a child and to have A as a mother. Even if I'd get born again with a whole new life and I'd get another mother who would hurt me, I'd want it to be A. (I know how fucked up that is to write.) (It's just how everything is messed up. Love comfort longing safety --- pain sexthings terror - what's the difference? What's the difference? Nothing, nothing, nothing. It's all the same. The only thing that's changed is that I am now close enough to other parts to prevent them from emailing A, begging her "will you please hurt me".

Which is good but also means it's not even getting out anymore. Everything is just stuck inside. I'm so alone. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will. Please hurt me. Please hold me.

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

[bacchuschucklefuck]

summer of junior year 06/11

[choccy-milky]

@foundthatoldzeppelinshirt what did u do to me...what in the wattpad is this... i only planned to do a few doodles but then i kept getting more brainrotted and things got out of hand LMAOO (and ofc i HAD to draw hockey player seb at SOME POINT bc its my duty as a canadian citizen🫡🍁🍁 O CANADA!!!)

[peteytheparrot]

Why is no one talking about the fact that Bill is probably back as a bird? The last two pages in the book of bill show the statues eye not glowing, and the last page the eye is glowing with that looks like a bird on his hand. I would show pictures but I don’t have the book on me atm! Anyways bird bill…. I must draw him….

[hinamie]

so just know, I'm healing / even though it don't feel like it

insp

[pancakemolybdenum]

2015 called, it wants its cloudball back. redrawing things yet again.....

original here

dress design by @rumminov

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

[obsob]

one thing u can count on me for is being normal about Some Guy

process under cut where u can see me losing my mind trying 2 figure out what i was doing in real time! :3

[expelliarmus]

[realian]

this show would do numbers on here.

[journey-to-the-attic]

one thing about ik is that she will always reach out

[cowboythighs]

steddie semi-meet cute where adult star steve (whos attempting a record-breaking gangbang) falls for a mystery man (eddie) who takes him from behind and babbles (endearingly) in his ear nonstop until he finishes and is shuffled out. the only problem: steve never saw him—never got his name!

so steve does the only logical thing and gets a list of the participants from the producers and tracks them down, hoping to find the man he’s fallen for. when he gets to the last name on the list—wayne munson in forest hills trailer park.

steve’s disappointed when an older man—with a voice that’s clearly not his guys—answers the door and says he’s the only wayne munson living there. seeing steve’s despair, wayne invites him in for a drink and sets steve down at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee (with a healthy splash of bourbon) and a slice of chocolate cake and asks what brought steve to his door.

steve isn’t ashamed of his job, but he also is very aware of being alone in an unfamiliar home with a man he doesn’t know, so he glosses over the fine details and tells wayne that he’s an actor and he fell in love with an extra on scene and was trying to find him.

steve finds that talking to wayne is easy, and between the chocolate and the hot drink and a sympathetic ear, he starts to feel a bit better. he doesn’t know why someone used wayne’s name and address, but he’s glad his path crossed with waynes none the less.

wayne might not have answers to who his mystery guy is, but he’s a great listener and offers great advice.

when steve hears a car pull up outside, he regrets that their conversation must be coming to an end.

“don’t you worry about that,” wayne says, waving him off when steve tries to make his excuses. “that’s just my boy; he’s supposed to cook for me tonight. you should stay for dinner. he makes a mean lasagna.”

before steve can protest further, the front door opens and all ideas of leaving are gone. because the guy walking in looks like steves wet dreams—like the kind of guy he used to dream about skipping class with so he could rail steve over the picnic table in the woods behind the school.

wayne’s nephew has his hands full—bags of groceries hanging from both arms, a dish in hand that steve assumes is the lasagna, and an orange cat yowling at his heels while he apologizes to his uncle for being late.

steve’s so caught up in looking at eddie that he barely registers wayne explaining steve’s presence there.

when eddie turns to look at him, steve can tell eddie feels the same way about steve—that instant connection.

feeling confident, steve steps forward and offers his hand.

“i’m steve,” he says with his prettiest smile.

“i’m eddie. i think we’ve met before.”

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

MDZS x ISAT part 1: In Stars and Necromancy.

(Part 2)

[merverelli]

"you just feel yourself let go."

still thinking about this episode. man. 💪💥

[sidoopa]

some selected frames from the upcoming animation!