#i desperately want another goncharov

[friendofthecrows]

Hi, I hope it's okay to ask - I know very little about aspd and found your posts very educational. What I am still trying to understand is: if someone with aspd has no empathy, sympathy, compassion etc, what makes you want to (in your words) be a "functional" member of society, to not harm others even if it would benefit you? What makes interpersonal connection valuable and enjoyable for you? Sorry if this is a stupid question.

Not a stupid question at all. (And it is always ok to ask, I can always just not answer if I don't like the question <3)

Sorry for answering this late, but on the bright side I've written the Goncharov anchovy scene.

The short answer is:

About half because we're not malicious by default, and about half because it's disadvantageous to be harmful so much of the time.

More explanation:

Most of the time, since we're not really going to care too much one way or another, it's not too "out of the way" so to speak to act good. And that's even without taking into account that all the symptoms of aspd are on a spectrum. It is possible (not even that uncommon, just difficult) for people with aspd to have some people they care about, and they may want to help those people even if it isn't beneficial, or at least so they don't leave them.

Another factor is that while it's a stereotype for antisocials to always be cold and unfeeling, that's not always true. Being detached from one's emotions or having a limited emotional range is common, but so is having very volatile emotions which are unpredictable or difficult to control. We tend towards one end or another of the extremes. And also boredom is a big problem for people with aspd. There are some interesting studies on this actually, but because of a few physiological factors, our sensations (both physically and emotionally) are often dampened, and sensation-seeking and other means of staving off the Nothing TM are pretty much staple coping mechanisms. Combine that + emotions are actually possible/common and you have someone who might want to feel your praise or attention, or might find your problems interesting, or might just be desperate for something that takes them out of their routine.

Alternatively, we might want to avoid the consequences of being unhelpful, rude, or hurtful. Keep in mind that aspd is a disorder that develops in response to early but prolonged childhood trauma, often abuse. That plus how society reacts to us makes it obvious why "masking" is pretty much a constant thing for any of us who can maintain it. It has been shown to us, time and time again, that acting "like a psychopath" is going to get us punished in some way. Showing people that side is ✨Bad Decision Zone✨.

Speaking of which...

We also tend to have 1. poor impulse control and 2. really skewed risk versus return. For most of us, we mentally minimize risk. So a lot of our actual destructive and harmful behavior is legit just "I thought about this and then did it before I realized this might be the ✨Bad Decision Zone✨." Yeah, sometimes we are more traditionally scheming, but like, you actually have to be able to stick to a plan for that, and our poor impulse control makes that really hard. It happens, for sure. But if you think "gosh if they catch onto this I'm going to be hurt again" paired with "this person is pretty interesting I don't want them to leave" and "oh wait a sec: I'm going to spend the next 3-7 business weeks on a DIFFERENT bad decision" plus "holy shit...positive emotions? Those are great." You often get what appears to be ultimately harmless and often outright beneficial behavior even if it isn't helping the aspd person in question, at least not in an obvious way.

Lastly, a lot of times, these things like for example "I don't want them to leave" can turn manipulative. But not all manipulation is created equal. Sometimes it might turn into a toxic relationship, or it might just end up with them being an extra-good friend. It can go either way.

"What makes interpersonal connection valuable and enjoyable for you?" It is an entirely different question and is likely to get completely different responses from different antisocials. Even within my own system, you'll get answers ranging from "it isn't," to "well, people can be fun," to "I'm just so desperate to be liked you have no idea," to "it isn't but this ONE person..." You get the idea.

I was wrong about lastly, one final thing: Whilst people with aspd have either really low or no empathy, compassion, as in the intellectual understanding of others' pain, is possible. I've never really understood the precise meaning of sympathy so I can't comment on that one. It always just seems like compassion crossed with pity so idk? I'd actually be curious as to what people think of that one.

[sir-cabbage1]

Tbh Goncharov is one of the few movies that I DESPERATELY want a sequel to, but it would never live up to the original. Another movie like this is Megamind.

TikTok is currently trying to make their own goncharov called zepotha.

So far for zepotha I’ve already seen 5 different plots and like 25 different characters. They can’t seem agree on scenes and everyone is just making up their own shit.

Goncharov started as a joke but ended up with a poster, a cast, memes, a wiki page, letterbox reviews, fanfics, cosplays, a over 40 page (last time I checked at least) google document with info and scenes about the movie, a soundtrack and even Martin Scorsese himself confirming he made this movie.

They’ll never be able to beat the masterpiece that is goncharov 1973.

[artemis-pendragon]

Red and White: A meta analysis of color and the subversion of morality in Martin Scorsese's Goncharov (1973)

Katya Goncharova

By now everyone knows that Katya is the Woman in White. Aside from the obvious ghost/haunting implications of this color scheme, white can be used to signal purity, something Katya should, by all accounts, have left far behind.

So is this a subversion of a cliche and outdated ideal of purity (although not at the time of the film's creation, making this possibility even more daring and subversive), or is there another meaning? Virginity and innocence are only two types of purity. There is also love, and the complex purity that often accompanies it. Katya is, at her heart, a very emotional and loving person. She may not show it as openly or loudly as Sofia, but it's undeniably there: her love for her husband, and, of course, for Sofia.

It's also an interesting departure from the red/black femme fatale/black widow color schemes of Soviet women spies and assassins in films made around the same time. Katya is a killer and a player in this deadly game, yes, but at her core she wants so desperately to be a good person, to escape the life her husband has condemned himself to. Katya hopes, against all odds, that love can redeem her. Perhaps her insistence on always wearing white is meant to hint at her longing for innocence and purity, even though her hands are already stained red.

Love and its complexities, as well as the discussion of traditional red and black color schemes used for femme fatales brings me to

Sofia

Sofia is both Katya's foil and mirror. She challenges Katya's morality by upholding her own, living off a value system that, while twisted in its own way, is ultimately one of the strongest moral compasses in the film. Her descent into the role of killer is not only Katya's doing; Sofia was destined for bloodshed long before they even met, and only comes into her own as a real player after the cocktail scene. This is demonstrated through Sofia's red and black color scheme, which, as I mentioned earlier, is typically associated with femme fatales and black widows.

However, Sofia also wears white, notably at the end of the film after the Boat Scene, after her descent into destruction and The Life. This shot is especially powerful, as it uses a red backdrop to emphasize the change that Sofia has gone through, and her merging with Katya while also retaining her own history and morality.

While she starts out as Katya's foil, over the course of the film the two women begin to merge, their twisted morality aligning until Sofia's femme fatale false persona become her truth. It is only then that she comes into her own and begins wearing white, and, interestingly, that half white/half red color pink: the mixed feelings and emotions of a changing woman.

Ultimately, color plays a critical role in Goncharov, especially in the portrayal of Sofia and Katya and their complex, emotional, and ultimately tragic joined fate. Sofia loses the vibrant reds and deep blacks of her scheme after the Cocktail Scene, which is when it seems that she's finally accepted her feelings for Katya and lost herself to that lifestyle. She has spilled blood, and the red of her clothes becomes the red on her hands.

For example, this is Sofia's outfit before and during the Boat Scene:

This is her outfit directly before the Cocktail Scene:

Tumblr won't allow me to add another image (reached my limit ranting it seems lol) but in Sofia's final scenes, she is seen in all white, just like Katya.

Winter has, truly, come to Naples, and it has swept Sofia up in its bitter white embrace--the embrace of a colder, more calculating mindset and morality, as well as the literal embrace of Katya Goncharova, her salvation and her doom.

[raviposting]

One last thing about Goncharov and then I’ll shut up but I can’t stop thinking about Katya & Andrei’s dance. I think people overlook the dialogue a bit because it’s admittedly very clunky at times (or maybe it’s a deleted scene?? Idk it felt Long but I still loved it) BUT these lines:

Andrei: You know he is my partner-

Katya, sharply: As he is mine.

And:

Andrei: Loving him is a freedom.

Katya: Loving him is a prison.

Then when they go

Andrei, with an uncertain hopefulness: Caged birds can still sing a beautiful tune.

Katya, resigned: But they still aren’t allowed to fly.

These lines are WONDERFUL. Their back and forth during this conversation is almost like a dance itself. Where Andrei takes a step, Katya swiftly and effortlessly take another. Their conversation is a performance just as much as their dance is - Andrei can say that Goncharov is his partner, and he is, but not in the way Andrei wants to say it. Katya is quick to say she’s Goncharov’s partner, because she knows what Andrei is actually saying. And it feels almost like a misstep in their dance, but as they talk more about him we see their shared love and how much they get both joy and pain from this love.

Andrei can never say how he truly loves Goncharov, he can only ever sidestep it and speak in veiled sentences. But it’s still a freedom for him, it’s the truest love he’s ever felt and he has it, and that’s enough for him, for now. Katya does love Goncharov, she does, but she’s so stuck between her so-called duty as a wife and what she wants. And in a perfect world, they could explore all these feelings outright (because they acknowledged SO much of it - these so called missteps were quickly righted and they acknowledged each other’s feelings and validated if). But they’re trapped in a society where they’re a queer man and a (queer) woman in love with the same man.

And with that last moment, with their analogy about the birds. They know they’re stuck, but Andrei wants so desperately to believe that it’s still beautiful while Katya knows she’s still trapped. They both have that very real love but Andrei’s love is an escape from the pressures of their society while Katya’s is yet another reminder of their expectations, but they so deftly acknowledge it in that scene. It’s ironic, really, that by the end of the movie we see that Katya is the one who breaks the cycle while Andrei continues on with the violence, despite their initial view on their future. It’s tragic and beautiful all at the same time, but that conversation really gets to me. It’s like a final, real acknowledgment before everything goes to hell in the final act and it’s just SO expertly done!

[not-my-circuss]

Honestly, I've been seeing a LOT of Katya hate and I can't fucking take it anymore, I HAVE to give my two cents.

Katya is flawed, of course, the whole fucking polycule is, because that is the human experience. To be flawed, and to meet others who share your pain and find solace in them. Katya was obviously meant to be with Sofia, but I believe she TRULY loved Goncharov anyway. In a soul mates that shouldn't have added romance way.

And this is what makes Katya's betrayal SO heartbreaking, and SO infuriating. Because they clearly love each other, and shouldn't that be enough? But Katya had been put through enough, she felt trapped in this prison of her own(and mainly her husband's) making. She was made to put on this farce, day after day, it is the EPITOME of the female performance.

When Katya sells out Goncharov, its out of desperation. She sees it as the only way out. The only way out of the marriage, the only way out of this life, the only way out of the Patriarchal Expectations placed on her in everyday life. And we see this, when Katya ultimately escapes (to be with Sofia? Or perhaps another lesbian lover? I like to think she disappeared to Brazil like she always wanted.) and Goncharov doesn't. She has been set free to live her life, and Goncharov remains separated from Andrey, still crushed under society's(the government's) expectations of the Male Performance.

[bekaroth-reads]

Goncharov and the Symbology of Cigarettes

So, I have plenty of things that I should be working on right now, but the Goncharov brain rot has been hitting me hard.

I know a lot of people talk about the symbolism of time, which is valid and certainly one of the main themes in the film; Ice Pick Joe going as far as smashing the face of a grandfather clock and screaming, “We still have time? Haven’t you realized, Andrey? Our days were numbered- my days were numbered- the moment you walked into that office!”

But! The theme that most people don’t look into as much is the cigarettes. These scenes have some good symbolism and I love it.

When we first see cigarettes is when Andrey walks into Goncharov’s office. We see that there are two cases: a plain, dented, worn out case and a fancy, gold plated, case with leaf designs etched into it. Goncharov takes a cigarette from the old case, and Andrey asks him why he had two of them. Goncharov explains that each case has a different kind to match the exterior- the old case has cheap cigarettes and the gold one has expensive ones that are only not considered actual cigars because of their size. Andrey then asks how he decides which ones to smoke, and Goncharov replies, “The company. All of these people walking around here, spending their money on things to make them more comfortable- things to help cushion their ears from the sound of the people on the streets crying for nothing more than food- they don’t like the smell of cheap tobacco. It takes away their ear muffs and blinders and reminds them of the dirty kids they saw on their walk over here. As for the expensive ones- can’t be wasting those on people who don’t deserve them.”

We can see form this that at this point in the film, Goncharov sees Andrey as inferior to him, seeing as he smoked a cheap cigarette when he was in the office. Andrey, however doesn’t seem to mind this. He doesn’t want to be associated with the rich bureaucrats that he feels are ruining his country and killing his people. We see him embrace not only this feeling, but the role of being the fighter for his cause, no matter how little his efforts might affect, when he boldly walks around the desk, opens the old case, takes out a cigarette, and lights it with Goncharov’s own lighter. “Expensive tobacco always gives me a headache.” He blows the first puff of smoke at Goncharov before walking out of the office.

(Bonus point that doesn’t necessarily have to do with the cigarette theme: just look at the way the Goncharov watches him while he takes the cigarette from the case, especially how he focuses on Andrey’s hands. Kills me every time! 😩)

Something else that is used for the whole, “cigarettes are a metaphor for power,” thing is the fact that Ice Pick Joe is always bumming them off of other people. It’s something that he desires, but wishes that he didn’t as every time that he takes one he says it’s his last one then he’s going to quit. The same way that he wants out of this lifestyle and desperately tries to find ways to leave, but there always one more thing that pulls him back in. There’s more to this later, but I’ll talk about things chronologically so they get too muddled.

Another thing to note in this theme is the fact that Mario, arguably the most power hungry character, is almost always smoking. They even gave him a cigarette in the theatre poster. He’s always seeking power and trying to lord the power that he does have over anyone he can. When he especially lights up is when he’s in a situation where he’s trying to regain authority that he feel like he’s losing (seen in the few scenes where he and Goncharov meet in person, and in the infamous, “eye for an eye,” scene).

Cigarettes also are used to show the two-faced nature of Katya. There is some foreshadowing during the scene where she and Andrey are talking on the balcony. While they are talking, she takes his cigarette. While this might look like flirting, it’s most likely a visual metaphor for her being very advantageous with her stances; wanting to look good to people, but not actually willing to give up her prestigious status to stand up for Andrey or the others when Mario is going after them. This is represented by how she takes Andrey’s cigarette, takes one puff from it, then complaining that it’s, “too harsh,” for her before snuffing it out. She only wants Andrey to have power if it gives her power, and would rather see him taken out of the picture if he won’t stay in her grip, much like she would rather put out the cigarette than give it back to him.

The first time that Goncharov sees Andrey after he’s lost his eye, one of the first things does is to offer him a cigarette. Though there are no words spoken, it is hinted that this is also a way for him to ask Andrey to work with him now that he’s out of favor with Mario. Andrey turns it down, saying that he’s not so sure he likes cigarettes anymore, and that maybe Joe is onto something. It could also be that he sees Goncharov offering him one from the old, tin case, showing that while he respects Andrey enough to want him to work for him, he doesn’t respect him enough to call him his equal. That this would be the same situation that he was in with Mario, but just with a different person to step on him.

The Mario and Joe parts of this analogy both come to a head when Joe finally buys his own pack of cigarettes only to be shortly shot by Mario. In this case, Joe buying them showing that he’s finally accepted that much like his smoking habit, there is seemingly no way for him to escape the mafia life. And, the fact that Mario shoots him himself, and then proceeds to take pack off of Joe’s body shows that he’s desperate to regain any shred of power he can get, even if it’s over someone considered to be pretty low on the food chain like Joe.

The final bit of this we get shown is toward the end where, after taking out Mario as well as stopping Katya from killing Goncharov, Andrey is sitting on the floor and looking at his shoulder that got shot during the whole scuffle. Goncharov, almost as beaten and battered as Andrey, and certainly as disheveled, messes around at his desk for a moment before shuffling his way over to Andrey. He sits down, puts a cigarette in his mouth, puts one in Andrey’s, then lights them both. Then, Goncharov puts another cigarette into Andrey’s pocket. In the end, Andrey wasn’t worth a single, expensive cigarette to Goncharov. He was worth two. Andrey was twice the man that Goncharov thought he was.

It’s implied that Andrey kept closely working with Goncharov even after everything, as part of the closing narration says the line, “After that, I developed a taste for expensive tobacco, though, it still gave me a headache from time to time.”

[enderearcheck]

A new reader has entered the ring! Thank you @thefirewolfblogger for making part 7 possible! 

Twitter knew, as soon as He’d entered tumblrs domain, that He’d made a mistake. Back home the algorithms always took him exactly where he wanted to go, but here? Where were the algorithms?! left to wander, unsure where to go. Twitter was utterly lost. 

How long had He been wandering?! What day was it? Why were shoelaces important?! 

Adds screamed at him to ‘shave his balls!’ And the creepy Pikachu hybrid man was definitely following him, 🦀

🦀Crabs 🦀 fell f🦀rom 🦀the sky, seemingly 🦀at random.  And the 🦀sky 🦀was a miasma of ever 🦀changing colors.        🦀

       🦀.                  🦀.          🦀

He was trapped in a cite of cringe 🦀🦀and debauchery. Just like he remembered…A war torn blog space of non-🦀Euclidean P*rnless mosterf*ckers. Strange posts that made no sense. Every word was a tw waiting to happen. Bloggers were Cat calling him… literally Hissing ferociously. The bird app cringed away. Accidentally bumping into a girl blogger. “Ew a Fucking bot!” They said disgusted. 

“Oh no no miss um…I’m not a—-

Twitter wasn’t able to finish that sentence because a giant crab screamed “SILENCE BOT!” and began shooting lasers at him. Twitter ducked into an alleyway desperately trying to escape only to run into another group of blogs. 

Hey a newbie! Looks like we found ourselves a fuck boi. How hasn’t He been devoured by bees yet? He’s so pathetic…I could take Him. Man anyone could take a piece of that Twink! I Bet this idiot has weak bones! Yeah! Get Gonched idiot! 

W-What?!

Oh my gon, he hasn’t seen Goncharov!

The crowd was closing in! Twitter was afraid.

LIKE/COMENT for PART 8!  @gondremark @ladyver0nica @r3nvy

[zizygy]

Summertime (and the living is easy)

An Andrey Daddano Character Study A/N: I keep thinking about the can of tomatoes on Andrey’s dresser in the scene leading up to the bathhouse. Everything about Andrey’s room is so meticulous, I know that we’re meant to notice that. I’ve treated the can here as a fetish, a symbol of Andrey, and by extension, Goncharov’s perception of themselves not only as something that has a limited shelf life as part of the dying mafia, but as people who are desperately trying to take themselves out of time, no matter what it costs. Read it on AO3! Andrey picks up the can of tomatoes and admires how it fits in his hand. It’s a sad excuse for a weapon, difficult to conceal, odd to find on one’s person and, most importantly, weak. The aluminum wouldn’t survive contact with a skull, it would bend and crumple before any real damage could be done. Of course, like a glass bottle, it would be sharp when it breaks, sharp enough to cut flesh, but not cleanly, not reliably. Violence was no matter to Andrey but purpose, that was what was important. A hit was like a play, each prop an actor, all with their role, exquisitely crafted for its audience. It was art, not because of how it looked, but because of the emotions it elicited. He throws the can up in the air. Once he could feel that emotion. And when the brutality was the point… Well, that was Morelli’s area of expertise.He sighs and sets the can down to pull a cigarette from his pocket. It’s an automatic gesture, but it makes his fingers cold. A bell tolls. It cuts clear through the cold air and rattles in his ribs. Andrey tucks the can, and with it his hand, back into his warm pocket. His time is almost up here. His next job looms on the horizon, and then the one after that and the one after that. And endless stretch of performances until the actors are too tired, their feet mangled, their throats sore and their makeup running down their face from the harsh lights. They get no rest. The bell tolls. This performance is different, he tells himself. Goncharov. The Mule of Moscow. This will make his name. It will be Enough. But will it? When the deed is done, will anything have changed? The bell tolls. He once killed a man whose last words were about a dream. “When I was little, I dreamed I’d have a garden.” Andrey couldn’t imagine why it was so important to him. There was a gun to his temple. “In the summer I would run outside, to the trellis full of tomatoes. There were so many and they were so plump that they made the wood bend. I’d pluck them right off the vine. Then I’d be scolded for the juice running down my chin.” “It’s a nice fantasy,” Andrey had murmured. And then he shot him in the head.When he died, the blood ran down his temples. It was much redder than tomato juice. The bell tolls. Now, he dreams of ripe tomatoes and a collapsing trellis. But what does that matter? That man is gone. Another mark on the ledger. Another curtain called. The bell tolls. It’s time for his next hit. It’s time, once and for all, to end Goncharov. It’s time, once and for all, to break the cycle. The bell tolls. It begins to snow. It’s too cold for tomatoes. They’re a sensitive plant, and their ripe skin would burst long before the first snowflake. He sighs and stands up. It’s hard to reminisce when a bell constantly tolls. It’s probably for the best. A thinking hitman is a dead hitman. The thinking happens before the pieces are in place, before the gun is in your hand. If you’re pausing during the hit… well. He pats his jacket and instead of feeling his lighter, like he expected, his hand closes around the can of tomatoes. Next summer he’ll pickle some fresh ones. Maybe he’ll finally have the time. As he heads down the street, he realizes that there’s still a flaccid cigarette hanging from his lips. He laughs and it falls, unlit, into the gathering snow. --

I also wanted to shout out that along with rewatching the film (of course) to write this, I was inspired by a few other pieces of media as well. Someone might get something out of checking these out:

Gooseberries by Anton Chekov The Age of Innocence dir. Martin Scorcese Chunking Express dir. Wong Kar-wai

[hauntedliz]

Pls explain (the Goncharov post). I mean, I'm glad it's finally gaining its deserved fame but you seem like you need to get stuff off your chest considering some scenes and (if it's not the ballerina statue one) I'm all ears :'3

Thank you so much, and don't worry I'm not going to talk about the ballerina statue scene- I don't want to dive into that discourse rn it's a mess.

I don't want to sound like a broken record and just repeat what everyone else is saying, but this movie really did change the way I watch films. That final image of Goncharov looking back at the pocket watch in the casket still gives me chills to this day.

I just wish people didn't overlook Icepick Joe's importance. Yes, he provided a lot of comic relief, but he also had some of the most meaningful scenes with Goncharov before he... you know.

Joe's obviously trying to be a mentor to Gon, and eventhough Gon is adamant about not needing anyone to help him, Joe comes the closest to getting through to him out of everyone- not katya, not andrey, JOE! I'm thinking specifically about the scene in Mariella's house where Joe's cleaning the grandfather clock and trying to explain that every action/unaction is a choice. He doesn't want to see him make the same mistakes he did in the past, but Gon's just hearing it as criticism. And then the most amazing moment of foreshadowing when Joe physically moves the arm of the clock and says "Just because the clock's ticking doesn't mean it's got the right time" and just as the clock strikes the hour Andrey knocks on the door!!!!!! WHY DON'T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THIS SCENE????

Honestly Goncharov and Andrey's relationships with Joe also just highlights their character foils so much (I WILL NEVER STOP MENTIONING THE FOILS!!!!). Gon doesn't want help, he doesn't want another mentor, and he doesn't really take Joe's advice until it's too late. Andrey on the other hand is desperate for the guidance that Joe shows to Gon, and would follow his lead if he just asked. I think it's one of the big issues that leads up to the apple scene, even though most people point to the club scene where Katya, Andrey, and Gon get into as the main stressor.

As much as I love the ships, I need people to start showing some love for the Joe scenes. Also where is the Mariella love? The fans do her so dirty, and she does NOT deserve that.

Anyway thank you so much for letting me rant. I'm always so down to talk Goncharov

[humbugghere]

One of the most integral parts of Goncharov as a person, and indeed the movie as a whole, was his sheer unwillingness to do hits, while being unparalleled in his field.

(SPOILERS) It doesn’t help that his fake name, the one he adopts to keep his families waning legacy “clean” has “Gon” in it. It is similar to Gun in pronunciation, and someone might go “haha hired Gun named Gon”, but again, the misspelling seems purposeful, as if the writers wanted to send the message that Goncharov picked his path, but refuses to accept the associated fate, as seen when his hesitation to assassinate an innocent family results in the only people who truly cared about him (Katya and Vladovich), countless other mobsters who had their own families, and himself being gunned down in the ending.

As a matter of fact, there is some hints that Goncharov really did consider this when picking his name. When he first meets Katya, most people honed in on the symbolism of two guns, folded over each other the same way a fork and knife are folded to indicate that one didn’t like the dish, indeed, Goncharovs throw away line of “I don’t want it to fit” shows that he’s desperate to never be seen as “another hired gun”, despite his skill. It could be said he succeeded, in the worst way possible; his unmatched skill left h distinguished from other assassins

[tayaminaka]

'S/O dies while giving birth to their daughter' with Kunikida Doppo, Dazai Osamu, Chuuya Nakahara and Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Kunikida Doppo

His dream of a perfect family was gone...along with you. He tried to pull himself together but as he saw your lifeless, cold body, tears started to streamed down his face. He fell on his knees, lowered his head so that his forehead was laying in the sheets. took your hand and held it as long as he cried into the sheets

Now he's on his own. He would try to stay with his daughter as long as possible but he knows that work won’t wait. He would mostly hire a nanny but if Naomi really insist he would let her babysit his daughter

In his free time he would mostly go for a walk with your daughter. He would go to the most beautiful places and try to tell your daughter something about the places, even if she doesn’t understand anything yet

It was only 6 a.m. when your daughter woke up. Laying in her cradle she reached up her hands everytime he passed by, a sign that she wants to be picked up. After he had done everything he wanted to do, he went to her cradle and finally picked her up, receiving a happy sound from her. He knew that she didn’t want to sleep so he decided to make a little morning walk with her.

„This is the Yamashita Park, here i met your mother the first time. This park was built...”

He stopped as he saw your daughter trying to reach down to some flowers. He got on his knees with your daughter in his arms, so that she could reach the flowers. With her fingers she lightly touched the flower, looking really excited. He smiled, after all she was just a little kid. These were your favorite flowers, he remembered. You would always stopped by them to simply look at them. Oh how your daughter reminds him of you right now. He looked at his watch, it was time to going home. With a slowly becoming heavy heart he stood up...

„...Let’s go Home. You didn’t even eat breakfast, it’s bad for your growing body.” he said trying to brush off the heavy feeling in his chest. Oh how he wished that you would be with him now.

If she gets older and ask him about her mother he would first say that she’s at a better place now but when she’s old enough he would tell her the full truth. They both would casually sit in the living room and he would tell her some stories about you two.

If she’s old enough he would also go to the cemetery with her. When she was little he went alone to your grave but now even if his heart becomes heavy by the thought of you, your daughter still deserves to visit you. Even if you aren’t alive anymore.

Dazai Osamu

As he heard about your dead, a strong feeling of emptiness grow in his chest. Time stood still for him. He didn’t hear the doctor, he didn’t hear the noises around him, he didn’t hear anything anymore. He was thrown back to reality as he felt Kunikida‘s hand on his shoulder,reminding him that his daughter needs him.

He would sit right beside you,place your already cold hand on his cheek, a small tear would fall down from his eye and he would ask only one question ‘What should I do?’ over and over again only to be greeted by a pitiful silence

After your dead he would stop with his suicide attempts. Of course he wanted to do suicide but the thought of your daughter stopped him everytime. He didn’t want that your daughter becomes an orphan, is all alone or even worse, ends up in the port mafia

At night he would let her sleep in his bed. He would look at her peaceful sleeping face, pet her head a little and pull her closer to his body. Oh how much she reminds him of you.

„Look...the Sunset...”

It was evening, the sun was slowly settling but it was still pleasantly warm. He was standing at the balcony with your daughter in his arms. A few minutes ago your daughter was peacefully playing in the living room with some plushies. Dazai was sitting right next to her on the floor while holding another plushy in his hand to play with her but as he looked out of the window, he saw the beautiful sunset. The idea of showing your daughter something new spread through his mind, so he quickly grabbed your daughter and went to the balcony. Looking at the peaceful sunset made his heart ache. Of course he was happy that his daughter was with him, of course he liked the sunset...but it felt like...something is missing...

„I wish...you would be here with me...”

A sad smile was on his face as he looked into the sky,...you were gone and nothing would bring you back. Your daughter yawned a little, she became sleepy. With that he was thrown back into reality. As he looked at her cute sleepy face he chuckled...

„Well...lets get you ready to sleep, shall we?”

With that he looked the last time at the sky and went back in with your daughter in his arms.

Even if she gets older she would still be his little sunshine in his darkness. Maybe because of her, he would finally find his meaning in life.

Chuuya Nakahara

Out of anger he punched the wall beside him. It was hard for him to restrain himself from destroying everything around him.He was angry. He was angry, that the doctors didn’t save you, that his dream of a happy family shattered, that life is so fucking unfair

But after a while his anger setteled and sorrow came. He cried over your corpse as he held you in his arms. He stroke your hair, called your name desperately and hugged your tightly in hope that you would wake up and hug him back...But it never happened

Now he was alone with your daughter. The first weeks were the worst for him. Your daughter would cry the whole night, sometimes even the whole day and he would try to calm her down, give her food or change her diapers but it seemed that nothing of that worked.After two weeks he snapped...

„What do you Want?!” he shouted

He sat down on his bed and covered his eyes with his hands. He tried everything already to calm her down but nothing worked. Everytime she calmed down he put her back in her cradle but as soon as he laid down to sleep at least a little she woke up and started to cry. He looked in the mirror in front of him. Dark circles were already under his eyes, due the lack of sleep. Your daughter cried in the background,with a loud sigh he stood up to pick her up. He started to go around in the room with her in his arms and she slowly calmed down. But instead of putting her back in her cradle, he put her next to him on the bed and covered her with a blanket. A few strands of his hair were in her hand as she slept peacefully beside him.

„Good Night, Little sweetheart.” He said and a little smile appeared on his tiered face as he gave her a little kiss on her forehead

After that night your daughter slept with him constantly. At some points he would sleep on the edge of the bed while your daughter would sleep in the middle in the form of a star. Even if she gets older, when she has a nightmare she would run to Chuuya’s bedroom to sleep there

At some points he would get very sad. This sadness usually comes when something big or beautiful happens, like the first steps or words of your daughter or simply a lovely evening with your daughter at the park. Everytime a small tear would fell down his cheek but he will simply brush it off, so nobody see it.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

On the outside he remained cold, ther was no reaction or emotion but on the inside something in him ached.

He went to you, placed his hand on your cheek and brushed it a little with his thumb. He bowed down to you and placed all last kiss on your lips before he left, promising a better world for your daughter

After your dead he would work much harder on his plan to create a better world for his daughter. Because of that he would let Sigma look after his daughter (He's the most trustful and adequate from them all)

But sometimes if he has some time he would play a little with your daughter. Maybe with some (rat) plushies or other toys but as she gets older the games would start to get mature and mature. At some evenings he would play chess with her while chatting about some philosophic questions about god or the meaning of life and death.

It was already past midnight when he got home. It was quite and peaceful. He entered the room where his daughter was sleeping. He went near to the cradle your daughter were laying in. She held a little grey rat plushy in her arm while the white on was laying right over her head. He corrected her blanket and started slowly pet her head. She was so small, so weak, so defencless, oh he will make sure that nobody ever lay a hand on her. A little smile appeared on his face as his daughter frowned in her sleep and turned around...

„Sleep well,little mouse.” he chuckles „Soon the world will be a better place.”

With that word he gave her a kiss on her forehead and left to get himself ready to sleep. He’s gonna make the world much better for himself, for your daughter, for everyone.

About the existence of your daughter would only knew five people (Nikolai Gogol, Sigma, Ivan Goncharov, Alexander Pushkin and himself) because of safety reasons and the possibility that your daughter becomes a part of his plans. After all, having a trump card in his hand is nothing bad...for him,...right ?

[hamliet]

I heard that Dazai & Fyodor are a mirror to eachother what does that even mean?

It means that they are foils! A foil is a character who had a distinctive similarity to another character, but the differences are mean to point out something about both characters.

@linkspooky has written a fantastic meta on Fyodor and Dazai’s foiling that I highly recommend here. It explains, in detail, the ways in which they are alike and the ways in which they are different.

I’ll talk a little bit about Dazai and Fyodor’s philosophies because I’m a former philosophy teacher and a nerd who loves this stuff, and then about their abilities, and lastly about Fyodor as a symbol for Dazai’s past:

I. Philosophy

In short, Dazai’s ideals are more about existentialism, whereas Fyodor’s are a specific philosophical branch of existentialism known as nihilism (Ironically, the real life Dostoyevsky was not a nihilist and in fact staunchly refuted nihilism). Basically the quickest summary of these philosophies is that both characters start from an inherently nihilistic perspective:  there is no inherent meaning in life.

The branch of nihilism they start from is existential nihilism, which is the most commonly studied branch. (Side note: many, including Fyodor’s character, associations of nihilism are negative and depressing; that is not however necessary as a part of nihilism despite the colloquial usage of nihilism=empty and despairing). The idea is that whatever you do is purposeless.

Where they differ is that Dazai ventures into the existentialist part. Existentialism concerns itself with humanity first and foremost, with an emphasis on decisions (I consider myself a Christian existentialist a la one of the founders of existentialism, Kierkegaard). It says that you can choose a reason to live (hey, the main theme of Bungou Stray Dogs!) and thereby there is meaning in your life based on your choices.

Let’s look at what Oda said to Dazai as he died, the words that inspired Dazai to leave the mafia and strive to be a better person:

Listen. You told me that you might find a reason to live if you lived in a world of violence and bloodshed. You won’t find it. You must know that already. Whether you’re on the side who kills people or the side who saves people, nothing beyond what you would expect will appear. Nothing in this world can fill that lonely hole you have. You will wander the darkness for eternity. (…) Be on the side that saves people. If both sides are the same, become a good man. Save the weak, and protect the orphans. Neither good nor evil means much to you, I know… but that’d make you at least a little bit better. (…) Of course I know. I know better than anyone. Because… I am your friend.

There’s a kind of nihilistic perspective, but here Oda is also saying he can make choices and his choices will make a difference to others. Dazai is, at the current point in the story, trying to respect individual autonomy. Whether he actually does such a great job is a topic for another day/later in this meta (he doesn’t, see: Akutagawa), but he understands individuals (aaaand can manipulate them based on that fact; not good). Fyodor, on the other hand, has completely given in to his god complex, believing that he alone can rewrite (literally, via the book) the world to erase ability users. He wants to impute his beliefs on the entire world, without even giving them a choice in the matter.

II. Abilities

Neither Fyodor nor Dazai appear to be able to touch someone without activating their abilities. Symbolically, Dazai’s “No Longer Human” deactivates a part of another person and means few if anyone can be a proper match for him. (However, his ability can also save people: see Q and Chuuya, notably both from the mafia; Dazai needs to accept this). It shows his being separated from people emotionally.

Fyodor’s ability, whatever it is, seems connected to touch and (maybe) brains. He killed quite a few with touching them, but we don’t know to what degree he has control over it (if his ability was involved in whatever happened to Goncharov or Sigma, he might have a degree of control). But either way, his ability means that he can’t connect with someone (physically, a symbol of the emotional) without hurting them. This is true of human connection in general: everyone hurts everyone at some point. You just have to learn to live with it.

Fyodor, however, lives very much in a world of black and white. He makes Goncharov happy all the time, unable to experience pain or negative emotions. He believes all ability users are a sin and should be destroyed. He’s an idealist in a lot of ways, believing in absolutes (which is also a hallmark of a childish perspective; Dazai, too, is still quite childish in a lot of his thinking). But he doesn’t believe the world can get better, so he wants to destroy it and in doing so force every single ability user to feel his pain (that their abilities are a sin) by wiping them out. In short, Fyodor wants empathy despite refusing to listen to the feelings of others. (He understands their feelings; he just chooses to emphasize his pain over theirs.)

III. Empathy and Fyodor as a symbol for Dazai’s Past

Fyodor’s nihilism isn’t actually that different from Dazai’s perspective during his time in the mafia. Dazai was like, shooting bodies because he could, killing and torturing countless people in a desperate attempt to feel anything at all. (Fyodor actually still seems to feel for people despite his murder spree so.)

Just as Dazai avoids facing Akutagawa and actually having a decent conversation with him because to do so would mean accepting how he abused Akutagawa and facing his younger self, he needs to face that Fyodor is a reflection of his younger self in a lot of ways. God complex, destructive applications of nihilism, believing life doesn’t have value. But Dazai found value in mentoring Atsushi (and still Akutagawa through shin soukoku, it’s just… more distant than it should be). Probably shin soukoku will be instrumental to defeating Fyodor in the future and such a moment should be a point at which Dazai starts to face himself.

I’ve written before that BSD is basically a very long redemption arc for Dazai, and as part of that, you have to face your past. Atsushi’s view of Dazai is way too idealized right now; he basically puts him on a pedestal. Fighting Fyodor might help Atsushi come to terms with whom Dazai actually is, if he notices certain key similarities.

[irresistiibles]

was that vanessa kirby? oh no no, that was just katya goncharova, a canon character from goncharov (1973). they are thirty years old, use she/her, and are aware that they are not actually from washington dc. too bad they can’t stray from this city for long.  

so before i get started here is my little disclaimer: though i will be talking in my intro as if goncharov (1973) is a real movie it absolutely is not. i think there’s still definitely argument for it still being a real fandom, a sort of collaborative cross-media fandom, but it is not a movie that actually exists. i know it can be stressful when people are saying something is real as a joke and you can’t tell whether or not it’s a joke, so i want to get that out of the way early. i will be tagging all of her content with unreality tw just to make that as clear as possible. despite that please know i’m playing katya very genuinely, i have built up a lot of muse for her over the past few days, so please definitely come and plot with me! and join maig and i in the madness. i will happily link you to goncharov information so!! please!!

how long has your character been here

around a month

what is your character’s job

still figuring it out. i’m going to say she showed up with some money from home but katya doesn’t want to get involved in crime again but also doesn’t want to change her spending habits, and funds will run out, so it’s a race against the clock (an important motif through the whole movie and a face that no one wins)

where has your character been pulled from in their fandom

from the end after faking her death

has any magic affected your character

nope!

any other info!

born katya michailova, katya was orphaned at a young age along with her brother. 

she had a brief stint in an orphanage, but wound up on the streets not longer after when a fire burned the place down. this is also where she met sofia, who helped get her out of the fire alive

katya was a teenager on the streets, and there are really only a few ways to survive a situation like that. though she was surrounded by crime it wasn’t something she really wanted to be a part of, especially since she was sure it was what got her father killed. she winds up involved anyway, but tries not to let herself be involved too heavily, keeping to spy and drug work and avoiding violence

this is also where she meets goncharov, which gives her a realization. marrying someone with money was an alternative escape and so katya michailova becomes katya goncharova.

they have a complicated relationship. i would say katya loved her husband but was never in love with him. she liked him, and was loyal to him. and she played the part of wife well, but as much as she had what she wanted there was also the sense that she wasn’t her own person, just goncharov’s wife. she stilled loved him though

but he was always involved in crime as much as she wanted him to leave. they had money now. she had all the pieces to a stable comfortable life if they could just separate themselves from the mob, but goncharov never would

sofia would have left with her. katya knew this, like sofia could have possibly been more obvious about it, but that didn’t feel stable! katya wanted stable! and again, as much as she knew they were falling apart she couldn’t bring herself to leave goncharov

obsessed with the scene where she gives sofia her pearls!! obviously the dinner scene is way more about goncharov and andrey so we don’t get a lot out of sofia and katya there, but the way katya takes her wealth (her happiness and stability) and hands a piece of it over to sofia!! so telling

her descent from housewife really begins when she gets shot and nearly drowns. katya doesn’t see herself with another choice, and gets absorbed into more of the crime, desperate to keep herself and the people she cares about alive. 

i think it’s really clear she’s in over her head with it though, and she winds up fucking over nearly everyone she cares about in the process, as well as just physically hurting others. they want this to look like she’s a woman isn’t smart enough for that world but katya absolutely is! at this point she had just fallen too far and wasn’t thinking about the consequences, didn’t feel like she cared anymore.

she eventually betrays goncharov towards the end of the movie and shoots him, but it isn’t anywhere fatal. this is where the iconic line of “If we really were in love, you wouldn’t have missed.” comes from.  i don’t think she ever had the actual intention to kill him, but thought that maybe if he wouldn’t leave for her he’d leave for himself, to save his own life. he doesn’t and though he’s injured he would be fine. at this point katya accepts that she’s lost her husband and he’s not going to make it out of all of this alive. even if he did who would be left?

katya ultimately gets killed in the chaos at the end, the big fight necessary for all mafia movies, however we see a familiar blonde making an escape right at the end, and though it’s brief and we don’t see a face i choose to take this as proof that katya survived. i believe she conspired with those going against goncharov, giving them information, or some other type of betral, and in return her death was faked and she escaped

though was it worth it? when she was so adamant about not leaving unless she had someone with her?

here in dc:

she’s trying to convince herself this is a good thing. though the city and technology is odd she’s lucky to be alive at all, alive with a completely fresh start in a city that offers free living space is better than should have ever been possible

she may be paying for a decent place to live despite this i haven’t really decided

and yet she’s struggled being here. it’s so different. she doesn’t know how she’s supposed to behave. katya has been able to thrive by being the person people want to see, and she has to relearn what that is now

really doesn’t want to go back to crime but isn’t sure what else she knows

has thought about getting married for money again but she isn’t sure she could actually go through all of that, especially when things here are so odd and she knows herself well enough to know she’d get attached

is really just doing her best to figure it out without falling into old habits, which is only working so well

going through like a pack of cigarettes a day in her stress

connections:

rich friends: girlie loves opulence. hell, or give me the opposite, of someone less well off that katya is like dressing up for fun she’s annoying like that.

a guide: someone who’s been showing her around washington and explaining modern life to her

bad influence: katya is trying to keep to decent behavior for once but she is so quick to fall out of it. this could be for just silly chaotic stuff or full out crime

any sort of friends: girl gets lonely so fast

[mushroom-wonderland]

Hi, Ive been inactive for a hot min but Ive been meaning to make a post about this, so: Goncharov(1973). Ive been OBSESSED with this movie you guys !!! So I OBVIOUSLY went to look through the tags and There is so LITTLE Sofia content !!! And ESPECIALLY her as an individual charater separate from Katya (WHICH IS SO UNFAIR BTW. I MEAN CMON GUYS !! I KNOW SHE DOESNT HAVE AS MUCH SCREENTIME AS KATYA BUT SHE'S STILL HER OWN CHARATER !!!) SO.

(Warning !! Spoilers !!!!) Here's my rant about her:

People so so often disregard her because they only see her as an escape for Katya. Yes Katya and Sofia DO have several romantic scenes and it IS implied that Sofia is Katyas escape from the cycle of violance because she is not who she's expected to run away with (I mean, most people would think that in one of these classic mafia movies either the woman runs away with another man, returns to her husband or leaves completly) here the expectation is clearly subverted with her choosing Sofia. Now that's a great thing ! And their relationship SHOULD be explored ! But Sofia should be explored as her own charater. Now we know the famous Apple stand scene in the marketplace. But most people just lightly brush over it or just ignore it completly. I want to dig deeper into it though. So that scene is our first introduction to Sofia, and quite frankly, it does a great job introducing her! We see the type of person she is from the start. Someone as desperate for freedom as Katya, playing both sides (you can tell by the way she haggles with the customers at her stand and gets them to pay higher than the original price while also laying low with the next customer and choosing to add more fruits to his basket so he doesnt cause a scene.) Now what I love about her charater is how she's handled. She was a poorer woman selling apples and other fruits in a market place but after her encounter with Katya she's irreversably changed. Katya presents her a world of luxury. The ball room scene and the pearl necklace scene being key parts of this. When we first meet Sofia she has her hair tied back, utalitarian clothing. The more and more she spends time with Katya, the more refiend her taste becomes. Katya gifts her a pearl necklace for crying out loud ! If that's not rich people stuff than I dont know what is. Now, Sofia is completly head over heels for Katya. She adores her. Maybe its the money talking of maybe its Katyas personality. We dont know. Until we do. The cigarette scene. After Sofia witnesses Ice Pick Joes murder at the hands of Katya and after the threat of death and/or jail from the police for being involved in the mafia we see Katya and Sofia talk. REALLY talk. Not just the light heated jokes, flirtasious comments or Katyas requests for Sofia to be her cover for all the situations she gets it. They genuinely talk. And Sofia talks about her struggles of the lower class life and how she chose to go along with Katya because she provided a better life. And then Katya tells her about all the things she went through, her loveless marridge, her plans of revenge, all the things she suffered through. And Sofia has the option to leave ! Katya tells her could just hand her money and she can leave this mess because Katya doesnt want to drag her as well into this. But Sofia choses to remain. She sees the real Katya. She sees the hurt woman that has been tired and pained for years now. And she choses to stay. And I think she was the one to break the cycle of abuse. Because after Katya gets hurt in that boat house Sofias the one to help her back up and to finish what she started. And Sofia told Katya to bring the gun over on that bridge. And after Katya had her revenge. Sofia was the one to ask if it was worth it. And thats when Katya realized what shed really done. And I think that without Sofia Katya wouldn't have been able to understand and finally realize that there really are good people on this earth and that you dont need revenge or deserve/suffer the pain you go through in life. And I think that Sofia was also a really smart charater, rivaling Katya herself ! They both had theyre witty banter and jokes. So anyways Sofia is underrated.

[fyodorsuggestions]

Wicked Games

@chuuyasuggestions

Music was sweet, music was life’s heartbeat-beat-beat given voice.

Chuuya was powerful, Chuuya was a blackhole given form and life and love.

Osamu was a Human Wolf, ready to snap up every single morsel of weakness and now, now those predator sharp teeth turn on himself.

They were such a wickedly sharp blade together, this Double Black couple and now the blade chips as it’s broken. There’s something…pathetic about it.

Pathetic in the same way the Red Queen hiccups his sorrow and hisses his hatred. Pathetic in the same way he bleeds sluggishly onto the dirty dirt floor, muddying it all up with mortal ichor. Pathetic in the same way he still begs for the man he loves despite being betrayed by his effigy and his memory over and over again and again.

“Master,” Ivan whispers and it’s quiet, a suggestion instead of a warning which is nice, we prefer those instead don’t we? We prefer suggestions to threats, we prefer calm acknowledgement of current events. Ivan is good at that, good to me-us-we.

“I know.” It’s a sigh because the fun always comes to an end, even when we don’t want it to, though we’ve got many hours more. We’ve had many hours. Hours and hours of breaking the Queen, beheading the Queen and watching the brains and the thoughts and the devotion bleed out of his cracked skull.

Metaphorically of course, ha, we wouldn’t want to split the board, now would we? Wouldn’t want to break the chains and let the Wolf run free, would we?

Still, this is…fun. Delightful even. To watch him, Chuuya, Nakahara. To watch him get his hopes up every time, to watch him tilt and tip his head towards the voice so familiar, to watch him strain against the chains. Weaker than before, weaker each time but still, still fighting the good fight. Delightful as we said, like watching a wingless beetle scuttle around blind and deaf and dumb.

There’s blood on your hands, our hands, yes ours. There’s blood on them, seeping through the bandages that Ivan so lovingly wrapped around them. He needed the blood for his effigies and mock ups, so many of them and all of them beautifully twisted.

….and there goes another, dancing through the room. Dancing to the beat-beat-beat of the…music.

“Chuuya,” she whispers, heartbroken but not sorrow broken, not like him. Her head doesn’t snap up at the voice, a voice that isn’t the Wolf or the captors but his does because he’s well and truly desperate now, isn’t he?

Yes, we think he is. Desperate for a friendly voice, a painless touch, desperate for love and lover. Or well, not exactly lover. Not after every betrayal and every touch that stole the strength from his muscles and charred his bones. He didn’t want Dazai’s voice or his touch, ohhhh no, Chuuya wanted a soothing balm for broken skin not another razor to trim the flesh from the fat.

He wanted…

“Ane-san?”

…a mother’s touch.

We can’t relate except that we do, you do, we. Mamochka’s touch wasn’t something we ever longed for except at the end when she was pale and still on the floor but that was more morbid than desperate so no, we can’t relate. Not to the high pitch tick in Nakahara’s voice, not to the shocked drop of his mouth, not to the tears soaking through the blindfold and streaking down his cheeks.

There’s blood on his face, blood and dirt that’s washed away by the salt water flowing free. It’s a wonder he has tears left, after all the screaming and crying and sobbing as though his heart was being ripped out. Mmm, to have a heart beating in our hand, wet and slick oh wouldn’t that be something? Wouldn’t it be something better to leave the headless Red Queen’s heart in a pretty little box for the Human Wolf to keen over?

Yes, yes that would be…sensually cruel and so perfect, poetic maybe but no. No we can’t, not now at least. There’s more fun to be had from the Headless Queen.

“Chuuya! Dazai! We found him! Recall the teams from the other locations, we found him!”

Truthfully, we don’t know the woman, Kouyou; the big sister of the mafia but we don’t need to know her to use her. Another beautiful puzzle piece in the mosaic of Osamu’s life, another piece he left behind to pursue something greater. She is a powerful one, we can’t deny but easy to manipulate, especially her effigy.

“Kouyou.”

Ivan is good, very good at what he does, and barely needs my prompting. Still, we touch his wrists, we use his hands and conduct this symphony. We are the maestro and the composer of this torture and enjoy every single note we weave through the air, we enjoy the instruments we use and the pain they eek out.

“Dazai! Take the blindfold off, I’ll cut these chains.”

“Of course.”

The Queen doesn’t hesitate and for that I’m proud, proud of the music we’ve woven into his skin and his heart and his mind. Nakahara stiffens, his teeth snap, his head tilts back. Nakahara grits his teeth and turns his head, looking without his eyes for the inhuman monster that stalks through the warehouse. He’s gotten quite good at tracking the footsteps, these footsteps at least, the ones with a distinct clack almost mistakable for claws on wood.

“No.”

A whispered word but no less full of rage.

“No!”

A shouted word and we taste it, oh we do, like silver blood.

“No!”

A scream, a screech and Nakahara’s fighting again, it’s getting quite boring actually. The way he fights and fights and gets nowhere so we change it. We know how this plays out, so we change it.

“Dazai? What are you doing with your gun? I asked you to get the blindfold.”

A double suicide with a beautiful woman, wasn’t that Osamu’s perfect death? Or what he prattled on about to the masses, the skin he wore to blend in with the sheeple? Well this would be more than musical then, this would be poetic and ironic and plainly cruel. Tragic.

“Dazai, let go of my wrist!”

“Ane-san? No!”

This time Nakahara can’t even fight, he’s locked in place by his horror because this isn’t his own personal pain anymore. If only this were his personal pain, something he could grit his teeth against, something he scream to the heavens about then maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. If he were the one being hurt again then it wouldn’t hurt as much, but then that’s the point, isn’t it?

“Dazai what are you doing? Dazai!”

“No! No, please, Ane-san!”

This time Chuuya doesn’t have to fight through the pain of our blood, this time he doesn’t have to come to grips with his husband adding to this torture. That would be entirely too simple and we could be called a one trick pony, which we can’t let happen.

“It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do,” we sing happily as Dazai tears the woman’s hands away from Nakahara’s face.

“No, I don’t want to fall in love,” we hum as Dazai presses his gun to the woman’s head, to her pale pink hair while she stares in shock and Nakahara watches blind.

“What a wicked game to play,” we keep going even though we know the lines are out of order with each other but we don’t care. We care about the music we’re directing with another’s hands, we don’t care about the music falling from our heavy tongue. Everything is hazed and everything is disconnected but not enough to make this any less erotic. Bloodletting and anemia should never good company keep but sometimes needs must and the emotions at war on the Beheaded’s face are needed.

“To make me feel this way,” we say as we rest Dazai’s finger on the trigger, as we cock the gun, as we-he…pulls the trigger.

A gun shot isn’t the loudest noise of the night, not compared to the screams and screeches and shrieks but nothing cuts through the dead silence or the frantic tension like a gun shot. Something so unnatural has a way of commanding attention which is something we’re intimately familiar with, of course.

“Ane-san?”

A shudder rips through us at the naked confusion…no, the childish confusion in Nakahar’s voice. Something so innocent and pure after all the rage and hate and desperate hopelessness. Oh why it’s spectacular. It’s wonderful! It’s fucking beautiful.

“I always preferred double suicide over double black,” Dazai comments idly and reaches down to tap his lover on the forehead, a friendly little touch.

Bang!

“Dazai?”

“Have Yumeno set up the parameter,” we giggle, dizzy from blood loss and high off endorphins as the bodies fall to the ground. There’s no blood to splatter, no blood to scatter, onto more open wounds. Too much and the Queen may fall and we aren’t playing to checkmate only to check.

“And start the preparations for the raid,” we mumble, turning our face towards Goncharov’s chest and glancing at the chained up, bloody Red Queen, “it’s an extermination.”