#i deleted most of my socials.
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utterly disgusted with this country. the hate for women, the lgbtq+ community, sa/abuse victims. . it blows my mind but i cannot say im surprised when this country was built on racism, sexism, and so on.
#i deleted most of my socials.#i need a cleanse#i don’t wanna hear any complaints from you mfs that voted red#and for my black people . . it rlly sucks that we have to carry shit on our backs and advocate for the good only to be betrayed by others#especially those who steal how we speak and our culture as a whole#it hurts me#extremely deeply#mocha’s diary ! ☆
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yk what i WILL share my old dragonfruit ship art from like 2 years ago lol. starting with these!! <3 (will share more later)
#pingdoobles#lego monkie kid#lmk dragonfruit#dragonfruit shipping#lmk mei#lmk red son#lmk fandom#lmk fanart#most of my LMK art was deleted off of my socials cause it got stolen a lot lol (my fault for not signing my art back then sigh)#kinda why i slowly faded out of the fandom and focused on lmk OC stuff with my mutuals (which was soo fun i miss it haha)#tho i have noticed some old mutuals rediscovering me in my dca fixation hell rn and im so very not sorry LOL#damn daycare attendants doing things to my poor heart#i admit i'm weak <3#but also the fnaf hyperfixation cycled back again it always does lol#cw bright colors#bright colors#cw eyestrain#eyestrain#<- juuust in case
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Honestly the past several years I've seen an uptick in people straight-up demonizing eating disorder sufferers. I only see eds mentioned if it's in the context of accusing something/someone of trying to cause eating disorders or covertly hide their eating disorder or a recovered person saying "look at me when I had an ed I was so so so sick but I'm not sick now I'm normal now I'm a better person now" or other people implying that eating disorders are like? A choice??? That someone participates in so that they can make other people feel bad (?) Like I feel like we've reached the point where people can only acknowledge their ed if they're putting ashes on their head the whole time and saying "I'm not a bad person I'm not a bad person I'm not a bad person."
#not to mention the way people are like mass reported and deleted off most social media if they talk openly about it#like imagine if people with ocd (I have ocd btw) were reported for just. talking about it.#really reinforces the whole I Am Not Fit For Public Consumption vibe that my ed likes to hit me with thanks guys#ed mention
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i wonder if everyone is like this when they date, or marry, or just live with a friend.
i wonder if everyone else feels like a scroll unfurled, like 'my best friend and roommate likes me for me!'
but the moment family visits, people i grew up with for 18 or 20 years, i find my personality folding in on itself, delicately, and creasing at the edges.
but sometimes i unfold, just a little, to say a joke, or do something nice. or even make a comment (something i think is informative or witty but probably isn't). and half the time it is met with annoyance. so. i stay compact. and crisply folded, until i can be myself again after they're gone.
#decided months ago i am not going home for Christmas. my partner and i are just going to celebrate here.#when will it get better?? i just want a good relationship with my siblings. but i feel like i always do something socially awkward and they#get annoyed at me#i am the OLDEST too and i am the MOST ANXIOUS out of all of them#it is soo embarrassing#delete later
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Sorry for this, but people have been really fucking annoying on the comments of my posts lately that I'm really really considering privating the blog for some days or something bruh💀
#like cmon now the people on my instagram and my twitter have been behaving better that tumblr thats wild#like okay ppl aren't comenting anything like horrible but it's so stupid like-#logging into tumblr truly is something#i limited comments on the blog for only ppl that follow me for a while so if tomorrow i get anything stupid im just packing up#just for a couple of days dw#anyways sorry for venting or ranting idk what this is#but like!!! i always hear people say that tumblr is the most chill social media site and like thats not true for me bruh#well to be fair i did have some really really chill months for a while this year but i guess that's over now with october idk#anyways maybe i will post art later who knows#not art#delete later#maybe#also this is not about the people that say nice things on my posts don't worry guys this is not about them#sorry if someone thought that
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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day 16 nurse robot type t
i usually do not want to make alt versions of these daily "daily" doodles, but i think there is enough weird colour layers over this one to warrant that
#digital art#mine#my art#fanart#vocal synth#utau#nurse robot type t#doodle#a also i deleted all my twt posts#or most of them i think#as i will no longer be posting there#i dont really have to move due to the ai stuff because im p sure europen ai laws give me the option to opt out of the gronk training#but i dont like twt and i dont like the block function updates and a lot of other peole are moving so i think this is a good chance to leav#and i was already on bluesky anyway so its no trouble for me#this is just like when i deleted all my instagram posts all social media are dying peace and love#actaully i might have talked about this here already what but whatever grwarrr
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just a quick ask to tell u it makes me super happy seeing the detail u go into when pointing out stuff u like about other people's art of ur ocs :3 it's so rare to see but it's so so motivating!! <3
Thank you! I don't take any interest for my art for granted, and if someone goes through the trouble of drawing my characters for me, I feel like trying to write a proper response is the least I can do. For a visually oriented person, receiving gift/fan art is a huge deal, it means someone considered my goobers worth their time and effort, they've probably been thinking about them more than a little and found them inspiring in a way or another, and I find that terribly flattering. It's extremely fun and interesting to see other people's takes on them. And I've drawn stuff for people as well, I know how nice and rewarding it feels to receive a response that is longer than a word or two. Positive comments like that can linger in people's minds for a long time, at least for me they do.
#this comes with a big serious disadvantage though#it often takes me a long time to write that response#my social batteries are extremely small and a lot of the time by the time I go online I feel too worn out to engage with people properly#I'm autistic anxious and severely depressed my spoons are in short supply at the best of times#I've always had really hard time putting my thoughts into words in a way that I find satisfactory#so I keep putting off reblogging gift art#because most of the time my brain is too smushed to formulate that meaningful comment I want to give#maybe that sounds dumb and fake#but this is something I've struggled with for years and I feel extremely guilty for keeping people waiting like that#often weeks sometimes months even#and potentially making them feel underappreciated and unnoticed#I'm also genuinely very scatterbrained and unorganized and I miss and forget things I'm supposed to do all the time#not to mention that I tend to have trouble keeping track of my mentions and dms and asks I'm only one person#so if you've ever drawn something for me and I didn't/haven't responded yet#please know it's not personal it's entirely my fault I'm kind of a mess#and chances are I'm still very much attempting to get back to you#feel free to remind me if you feel like I might have not noticed your post I really don't mind at all it often helps me a lot#and please if you can don't delete the post even if it seems like I didn't see it#because again sometimes it takes me a long time to respond#thank you to everyone who has stayed endlessly patient with me though I appreciate it#sorry this spiraled into a list of apologies and excuses this is actually something that bothers me a lot#because it's largely a mental health thing but easily comes off as ungratefulness#I'm trying to work on that#answered#anonymous
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Ty for 400!
It may be 1:30am, but honestly, I just felt like I wanted to write this. Thank you for 400 followers!! That's crazy. I'm super thankful, and honestly, it means a lot to me! <3 super excited for more to come, I hope my moodboards rn are up to standards!
I'm not tagging anyone this time since I don't want to disturb everyone every time I write one of these. Just know all my mooties and idols r amazing, and I love them. You guys know who you are, ily 💕
Just a boring text post for this milestone post cuz I can't be bothered rn ahh
Teeny Itty bitty vent in tags since I can't get my life tghtr rn erm! Don't feel pressured to read it, idrc ig?? 😭😭
#lil vent i will most def regret in the morning#im not quitting just tired ig? social media and my lack of motivation r just dragging me thru the mud brutally and thats why im slow postin#i literally cannot handle seeing pepple from discord that despise me from when i used to gossip and a bunch of stuff on there#im gonna prob delete the song req stuff in my inbox. im so done w it. js like the event prizes#i want to still provide the full prizes#but its so much work and im unmotivated so ill do it eventually :(#i dont rlly think ill makr an event anyrime soon cuz it kind sucks aaahh#my moots nd friends on here the only reason i havent quit bc im burnt out by myself i only live off the interactions i have on here#i dont know what else to say i just wanna like forget any accounts on anywhere from me every existed cuz im not a good decision maker at al#i'll be normal in the morning probably hahaaha#tysm for the support anyway
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honestly it's been really healing being back to actively contributing things and writing out thoughts on tumblr the last week or so, because while twitter tends to be easier for me to write out Thoughts on without getting overwhelmed, the environment in the twitter fandom circles i'm interested in is not only infested with antis but cliqueish in a way that is caustic to the fucking soul if you try to express a thought that's more than three sentences long--a hundred times over if you're autistic in slightly the wrong way--and it's incredibly reassuring to come back to an environment where the very kindest and most inclusive people toward you are not clearly thinking the r-slur the entire time they interact with you lmao
#whosebaby talks#took an incident of just open petty cruelty the other day for me to finally go#you know what all of this is doing a huge number on my self-esteem and scrupulosity and social anxiety and mental health overall#sometimes it pays to hold out and give the benefit of the doubt#when your knee-jerk reaction is to think something Must Be a Sign of Shitty Intent; bc often it will turn out that wasn't the case at all#but unfortunately sometimes it turns out people are in fact just being shitty in exactly the way you thought they were#and at the *very* best you are incompatible in such a way that if they don't have bad intentions you're just never going to be able to tell#or well. not even necessarily bad *intentions*; just shitty behavior that's harmful to you regardless of whether they mean well#sometimes you just gotta accept that even if neither of you *is* being shitty it's not worth your peace of mind to never be able to confirm#and it's better to just save both of you the stress and not try to pursue that.#it fuckin sucks when it's people you think are cool and really want to get to know; it's a hard lesson to learn; but it's the way sometimes#......and then sometimes the confirmation you finally get is that yeah okay this is some bullshit#and not in a way that can likely be communicated past; no matter how much effort you make to be kind; clear; and mature#and being publicly humiliated for carefully trying to yes-and some clarification on meta of mine#which was being used in ways i was deeply uncomfortable with; and had had no warning would take the turn that it did#and which was contributing to the original post gaining traction in the first place#all targeted in ways pretty much tailor-made to hurt someone with specific issues they had seen me talk about + acknowledged#was just. yeah i think i'm done here lmao#i am Not someone who takes down meta once posted#so the fact that it was bad enough to make me delete an entire thread really says something lol#anyway. lots of other context there; and i appreciate that in some ways the person was genuinely trying to be kind; but i'm. yeah.#that shit Hurted Extremely; and made me realize that while i'm not the *most* well-socialized or articulate or approachable#there is just something in the water over there and no amount of The Problem Not Being Me would have mattered#and the nice asks/replies/comments i've gotten both recently and during hibernation make me feel warm inside; thank y'all <3#the salt files#bullying cw#ableism cw
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( Apologies for the drop in / complete lack of activity lately
Mid-term burnout has hit me pretty hard )
#the good news is I scored a 97% on my bio midterm but#clearly at the cost of my sanity brain cells and my social life#no joke i'm up at 6am and dont tend to finish most days until 6pm or later#brAIN TIRED#noble phantasm is charging ( ooc )#to be deleted
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i love how fanghua are so danmei coded. fang duobing as the protective nianxia ml whose life was so monumentally changed and shaped by a shifu he met only once when he was younger but whose small act of kindness moved him so deeply that he spent most of his life trying to get stronger, working hard to finally be able to catch up to and be worthy of that glorious shifu that he so admired.
except he finally meets that shifu again years later as an adult and he's finally caught up to him but now their positions are reversed - li lianhua is now the sickly one, and fallen from grace; fdb is now the (physically) stronger one, the young hero, and he becomes friends with and falls for llh who he now no. longer wants to be the disciple of. instead, he now wants to protect and care for li lianhua like one protects and cares for a lover.
#mysterious lotus casebook#fanghua#fang duobing#li lianhua#莲花楼#llh obviously reciprocates; the most obvious evidence is in the deleted scenes in the scripts; so many lines abt how much fxb means to llh#anyway ik i simplified what llh and fdb are to each other in my prev posts but that post was just to explain to western fans who said they#didnt pick up on fanghua romantic hints/coding. but ofc their rs def has layers and complexities#but to me most of all llh (llh not lxy) & fxb are Equals. the show goes to such great pains to establish them as equals#it doesn't have to be romantic no one has to ship them we all have our own preferences#but at the very least theyre literally canonically best friends#in the show they very explicitly are & acknowledge each other as equals. best friends. zhiji. *equals*!!#anyway i love how they reject and transcend social hierarchies to form their own unique relationship on their own terms#their real rs is something that cant be easily defined but the two of them have chosen the word zhiji for it
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I'M ALIVE.... barely.............. god what......... a concert
I can't believe me and stray kids existed in the same room THEY ARE ACTUALLY REAL
#i've got blisters my voice is scratchy and i feel like i could sleep for a whole year#it was so worth it#bro social path live was a fucking EXPERIENCE#better high than drugs could ever give you#I HAVE SO MANY PICTURES AND VIDEOS AHHHHHHH#also i ran out of storage half way thru the concert I had to delete genshin & starrail off my phone MID WAY THRU A SONG HASDHJKSAKDHJSAJKDH#the only downside was I wish I sat with people who were hyped up just as me >:( one side was an empty chair???#and the other side was a MOM LMAOOOOO#clearly only there for her daughter 😭 which is cute ig but lady could of at least learnt all 35 songs man#ANYWAYS#I'm home now#gonna go look at my pictures and sob LIKE I WAS THERE I SAW THEM AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#i'll upload my most devastating pictures soon#fox rambles
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life is wild I can just be hanging out existing and suddenly get slammed with the most intense bout of loneliness ever. like okay i'm in the middle of eating string cheese can we not do this now
#/lh#i'm fine and i know it will pass#but sometimes i just start worrying that i'm like. the most unlikeable and boring person#and then i overthink every interaction i've ever had convinced i've made a fool of myself#i guess it's probably a social anxiety thing. my worst enemy#delete later#raven rambles#vent#today is just one of those days where i feel like if i talk too much people will get tired of me#and if i talk too little they'll forget instead
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got my trial day tmr wish me luck!!
#do you say trial day? anyway at the company i applied to#gotta dust off my most social self once more#delete#personal#im scared ahah#whatever i can do this
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by no means exhaustive but i think these r broad enough to cover most works of fantasy. tell me ur reason why and also if you identify as queer/lgbt (i am curious)
#>sluggy personal#i had to delete n remake this post too many times tumblr..... plese....#anyway. i like dark fantasy/grim dark the most and i am often alone in that opinon among most of my social circles#especially with my fellow queer friends. i understand but sometimes i feel lonesome and weird
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