#i debated word choice between flirt and neg

[disregardandfelicity]

Lestat, surrounded by feral vampires and wracking his brain on how to save himself, nicki and gabrielle, but still finding time to flirt:

[hotteoki]

relationships with txt as negative tropes

pairing: ot5 txt x reader (no pronouns used)

genre: angst, breaking up, lovers to exes

cw: none afaik (not proofread)

wc: 1.5k

taglist [open] - @weird-bookworm @junebug032

please consider reblogging as it boosts writers' works!

©️ gyusangels | do not repost

yeonjun (연준) - INSTA LOVE

insta love : giving up anything and everything for love before actually finding out anything about them

"yeonjun, don't you get it? you don't love me, you never did!" you ran a hand through your hair. you had been debating having this conversation with him for a while now, and now that it is finally here, you regretted bringing it up in the first place. "what are you talking about? of course i love you!" he was visibly confused. wasn't everything okay? why were you suddenly claiming your relationship wasn't working?

"you text me and bring me on dates and all, but let's be honest. we've been together for a few months and you know nothing about me," you explained, stressed. you hadn't prepared for this conversation and you were sure it was going to end in tears. "that's not true," but even he sounded uncertain of himself. "really? when's my birthday?" you crossed your arms. "i- i don't-" yeonjun stuttered, racking his brain, yet nothing came to mind. "see?" you held back your tears, "you're not the only one to blame though, i don't know much about you either."

yeonjun sighed, defeated. he knew you were right. "we only love the idea of each other, maybe after a few years later, when we're not so eager to get into a relationship just to prove other people wrong, maybe we'd work out," you rubbed your eyes, feeling a stray tear roll down your cheek involuntarily. "so what does this mean?" yeonjun's voice was barely above a whisper. "i don't know," you allowed his arms to wrap around your form, "i don't know."

soobin (수빈) - STAR-CROSSED LOVERS

star-crossed lovers : any lovers whose affection for each other is doomed to end in tragedy

"we've decided that a relationship between the two of you is just not possible at the moment, not when both your groups are right at the peak of popularity. a single hint of your relationship and it'll all go crumbling down," your manager crossed his arms, a serious tone lacing his words. "but surely, if our success never drops, and say we'll be in the eyes of the media for years, that would mean..." soobin trailed off, eyes darting to you. "look, i'm sorry it has to be this way," his manager sighed, unhappy with the situation as well.

"it's really unfortunate, but that's the life of an idol," your manager responded blatantly. "he's right, though," you murmured, "we shouldn't let our relationship affect our members, it's not fair on them." the managers, sensing they were overstepping a private conversation, stood, "we'll let you two have some time." once you and soobin were left alone in the room, he broke down into tears, taking you in his arms.

"it's not fair." you sniffled, "i know." "it's not fair," soobin repeated, resting his chin on your head. "we don't have another choice," you tried to stay strong, knowing as soon as you allowed one tear to drop you wouldn't be able to stop crying, but your wavering voice betrayed you. "i'll always love you. one day, i'll find you again, i swear on it," soobin said firmly, leaving no room for disagreement.

beomgyu (범규) - UNREQUITED LOVE

unrequited love : love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved

"you said you'd get over him." you forced your eyes away from him, "i said a lot of things, dayeon, and so did he." she sighed, hating to see her best friend wallowing over the boy who refused to contact or even acknowledge your existence after a spontaneous night where he called you, claiming he had developed a huge crush on you for months, leading to an all-nighter of a series of flirting back and forth from the both of you.

"i don't know what happened between you guys that night, but you can't dwell on it forever. it's been almost a year, and he's about to get a girlfriend too," she paused, following your returning gaze on beomgyu and kazuha, sitting a little too close for your liking, "he only called you because he was craving for something to feel, or maybe because it was midnight, you know? the time when your emotions are at their most vulnerable. and i think you know this, deep down, you just don't want to admit it yet, you're still hoping that eventually, something will happen between you two again, but the harsh truth is, nothing will."

you swallowed thickly, choking back the lump threatening to jump up your throat, "i know, dayeon, trust me, i know. it still hurts, though. how he can just move on like nothing happened? like he didn't play with my feelings and practically confess his dying love for me. he made me embarrass myself in front of him, all because he felt like it." you continued to stare at beomgyu, praying that even for a second, he would turn to catch your eyes, understanding your desperation and need for him. he never did.

taehyun (태현) - RIGHT PERSON, WRONG TIME

right person, wrong time : when two people who are supposed to be together aren't

"i love you." you stopped stirring the hot chocolate you held in your hands. oh how long you'd been waiting for taehyun to say those very words. years of thinking you were never enough for him, never standing a chance after seeing his girlfriends come and go. you weren't even sure when you had started loving him, to be honest. the heart palpitations and shaky hands whenever his fingers brushed against yours seemed to have lasted for as long as you could remember.

but it didn't feel right. it didn't feel right when he was just about to celebrate his four month anniversary with yujin in a few days. you sighed, "no you don't taehyun." "no but i do. i have for the past two years. i kept trying to get girlfriends to get over you, but none of them ever made me feel the way you feel," he paused to wait for your reaction. when you gave none, he continued, "i never told you because i thought you didn't like me back, i thought it was just me."

"well, at least you know how i've been feeling for the past, probably five or six years," you laughed humorlessly. "six?" taehyun paled. "yeah, six." there was a silence. "well, i mean, we can try now, right? we can-" "no, taehyun, just, no. you can’t leave yujin for me, it’s not fair for her," you refused to look him in the eyes, even when he approached you, his figure drawing closer and closer from your peripheral view. "so you won’t even try?" taehyun sounded defeated. "maybe in the future, but, just… not now. you can’t sacrifice one person’s feelings for another, it’s not fair on either." his form slumped, "yeah, you’re right."

huening kai (휴닝카이) - THE 'I LOVE YOU' STIGMA

the 'i love you' stigma : when love is not returned because the word "love" makes the recipient uncomfortable

"kai," you called for his attention from the bed. he hummed, turning his head while his eyes were still fixated on his set-up screen. you hesitated, nervous about his response. kai finished shutting off his game, switching the device off before making his way to sit next to you, "what's wrong?" "i know what i'm about to say is going to sound so, immensely, selfish, but i don't think i can keep it to myself any longer."

he took your fidgeting hands in his, smiling warmly at you, "i doubt that." it was times like this when you wished life worked the way you wanted it to. "i don't," you began, breathing in deeply, gathering up all the courage you have, "i don't think you love me the way you think you do." kai's grip on you loosened slightly as he seemed taken aback, "what?" you played with the edges of your blanket, "i just, i have a feeling that you think you love me the way a boyfriend would, but you're actually not even sure of the concept of 'love' in general."

"what made you think this?" he finally asked after careful consideration. "i don't know. i mean, i feel like you treat your friends the same way you treat me, and whenever i show a bit of love to you you just kind of stiffen up and avoid me for a while. i get that maybe i can come across as overbearing, but-" "hey, no, it's not like that," kai insisted gently, "i've just, i've never been in an actual relationship before, and i'm not used to the idea of someone actually, well, loving me." you nodded, a bitter tone lacing your words, "you have to love yourself first to love someone else."

[spilledkauffie]

SFW (Fluff) Alphabet · Zemo

List made by @caitlinpotter || Sorry I’ve been so absent this week; I promise I have content for the weekend!

*xFemale!Reader || NSFW Alphabet ❤︎

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Quite affectionate— he loves giving you affection, and it’s all across the board with him. It can be from soft sweet touches to actual affectionate actions done for you.

Full HC list on this soon! ✧

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend?)

Literally the best— for starters he’s super loyal, because if you’re truly friends with him he’s not giving up on you easily. Your friendship wasn’t exactly easy to get to, mostly thanks to his profession, but once you’re in, you’re in. 

100% defensive of you— anyone tries to come at you in any negative way, he’s got a comeback to absolutely destroy them. Also, having someone of his reputation around can be beneficial for when you want to be left alone, as he seems to intimidate people a little bit.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

When you cuddle him— he loves it when you just come over without saying a word and cuddle up next to him, he doesn’t ask questions he just lets you get as close and be as cute as you want. Sometimes he has to chuckle at just how physically needy you are, like absolutely burying your face against his back, nuzzling softly, with your arms around him in an attempt to get his attention / also loves waking up to you cuddled right up against him.

When he cuddles you— he can just tell when you need it, so often times he reaches out for your hands with a “come on, come here,” naturally, you give in, he pulls you into a hug, slightly rocking you back and forth. It’s a lot of soft touches and feathery kisses.

↳ if you’re lying on your stomach, he’ll lie down with you. Resting his head on the small of your back, brushing his fingers across or down your back, sometimes he places soft kisses against your skin, which always gets your attention. You either: 1). turn on to your side, he hooks and arm between you legs and uses your thigh as a pillow. 2). you lay on your back, letting him rest against your stomach, gradually he makes his way up to give the corner of your lips a kiss.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they around the house?)

For sure— it’s not long before you’re practically living with him. Now that you’re in his life, he wants you around for everyday life; what is his very soon becomes yours. You picked up on it when he started to suggest “why don’t you stay here... tonight? And maybe tomorrow?” more often.

Around the house— he’s quite casual. You never feel expected to get up at a certain hour (regardless that he gets up early), you’re never expected to be downstairs and dressed immediately, it’s more of a calm atmosphere that lets you wake up. You don’t constantly have to be around each other, he knows space is important. Sometimes it’s just doing your own things in the same room in silence together. Despite the status of Baron, he behaves like your average individual around the house, he likes to do things himself.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

It’s actually really hard for him— it’d have to be in person though, as hard as it would be. For starters it would take a lot for him to actually call it over, he’s extremely patient and an expert at working things out with you, because he truly doesn’t want to it end.

↳ a most likely situation for ending it would be that he can’t guarantee your safety due to whatever he’s getting himself into, and he’d rather make the call to let you go than to have no choice in truly losing you because of his own dangerous choices. 

He’d leave it open though— sitting across from him, you stay quiet after both coming to the conclusion that it’s over. However, he leaves you with: “if you ever need anything, in any way. . .” you nod, a few tears falling as you stay silent, staring forward. Coming over to you, he softly wipes a tear away, kissing your temple, whispering, “I’m sorry,” before walking away.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

He’s definitely committed in the relationship— ring or no ring, if you’re in a relationship with him he’s all in, not the type of person to just have a fling here and there. It’s total dedication to you, and you only. 

Considering he’s done it once before—there’s a lot of past memories surrounding the topic of marriage for him, which is why there’s probably going to be a good amount of time together before any proposal. He just wants to be sure, plus there needs to be time to talk everything out before rushing into anything. 

↳ when the time does come though, it’s a mad romantic, but personal proposal, with the most gorgeous ring in the world.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Physically— he’s super soft with you. He never wants to startle you, it’s always what you’re comfortable with. Touches are more than just flirtatious with him, they can be comforting, encouraging, supporting, etc. (He also knows what you’re not comfortable with as well so he can avoid it)

Emotionally— it’s a little more complicated. With your emotions he’s super gentle and understanding, always. He listens to anything and everything you say or just need to vent. He doesn’t interrupt and only gives his thoughts when you ask for them. He never intends to hurt you feeling either, he’s very careful. However, with his own emotions however, he’s a little harsher. He doesn’t really like to show any of the more complicated emotions. And doesn’t always give himself much grace for feeling certain ways, he tends to repress.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? What are their hugs like?)

Only from you— he doesn’t really like other people getting friendly, unless he really really knows them, even then it’s different. He doesn’t get physical with other people unless it’s a “move— you’re in my way,” situation, but that doesn’t count as friendly.

Extremely handsy— he love to bring his arms around you, so he can completely hold you whilst hugging you. Whether it’s around your waist, shoulders, hips, etc., just depends how the hug is done. He also tends to stroke his hands when hugging you, up and down your arms, back, sides, thighs, wherever.

↳ he likes to nuzzle against your neck, during front or back hugs, with the bridge of his nose, or his lips. He also gives tender kisses while he has you so close. Not kisses with other intentions, just sweet loving kisses that make you smile. Sometimes he brings his hand under your jaw, to tilt your head just enough so he can kiss your lips.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It takes time, but it’s not forever— when he knows he will tell you with no hesitation. He doesn’t debate telling you or worry about it being too bold, nope, he means it when he says it and he says it when he means it.

He also says it in different ways— it’s not always “those three words,” through his gestures and other phrases you hear I love you a lot.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Not if it’s someone you’ve known before him— he’s not intimidated by pervious friendships that predate your relationship. 

When people flirt with you knowing he’s with you— he gets real jealous, real fast. Given that fancy occasions are kind of a routine thing, you’re around a lot of other people who want to flirt with you, and often do pretty openly. It’s rare that Zemo ever leaves your side, which helps, but that doesn’t stop people from trying, which he hates. Typically he just tries to keep you physically near, so he can be there to prevent it.

↳ one time he left to get you a drink and an old rival of his found you. Trying to be polite you remained in conversation, feeling fine until he caressed your shoulder. Almost immediately Zemo was back at your side. Handing you your drink civilly, with a “here you are, Darling,” he then glared at the man standing across from you. Not so subtly, Zemo slipped his arm around you, literally pushing off the unwanted hand and replacing it with his own. You leaned into him more, attempting to make a point, as Zemo continued giving a half smile half glare.

He doesn’t do much about it in aftermath— he’ll calmly admit to you that he was jealous, but he also gets you with “I understand why people want to talk, flirt, and be with you,” he shrugs, “you’re beautiful, they’d have to be blind not to see that, but yes,” he tilts his head, “but. . . I have to admit, there’s part of me that wants that only to myself, of course.” It makes you smile how calm he tries to keep himself, despite the frustration. It’s usually you who actually does anything after these type of conversations though.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Lightly running fingers up your neck— when he’s kissing you, he traces his fingers slowly up the side of your neck, until he reaches your jaw, there he strokes his thumb across your jawline.

Holding your hand— sometimes when you’re flirting with him, you like to get as close as possible without touching, he knows the game and subtly slips his fingers between yours, then he goes in for the kiss. He can feel your smile and your hands hold his tighter as you give in.

Hand kisses— he gives these whenever, wherever, and however often he can. It’s a cute way of showing affection in a very classy way. He uses them as hello / goodbye greetings, although typically you require more than a kiss on the hand for saying goodbye.

Soft, but turns into more— it starts out as a super sweet gentle kiss, but slowly you can feel it deepen, to which you usually break the kiss with a smile, “Helmut,” you laugh, holding onto his arms around you, as he moves his mouth to your neck, “I don’t have time for this,” you try to stop giggling.

As for himself— he loves the taste of you lips, so every time you kiss him, he adores it. However, there is a sweet spot at the base of his neck, that when you kiss there makes him stop mid sentence.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Fantastic— he’s actually perfect with kids. Maybe it’s past experience that plays into it, but he’s so sweet with kids. When they accidentally run into him, he gives a “be careful, little one,” before stepping out of their way. Something you’ve noticed is that he talks to them like they’re little adults, which is adorable.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Staying in bed— one way or another one of you convinces the other to stay in bed. Sometimes it’s him asking you to stay just a little bit longer, when you can’t, he understands and watches you get dressed, asking what your day looks like. / Other times it’s you compelling him that it’d be more fun to stay and cuddle with you.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Relaxing— it’s a calm, safe, and warm environment when you can both just relax from the day in each other’s arms. Sometimes you’ll lean back against him and ask what he’s reading, when he says Machiavelli, you smile and get cozy, “perfect, that sends me right off,” you close your eyes as he begins to read aloud.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He’s not an open book— there’s a lot of history with him, some good, but also some bad. Even before the whole campaign to end Super Soldiers, he has a bit of a shady past, with his own military exploits. Some he’s made amends with, others he hasn’t.

Depends how much you already know— if you already know a good amount about him, 1). he’ll ask to even the playing field, so he can know you equally as well 2). he doesn’t mind you asking questions since you’re already aware of his general history.

Surface level stuff— interests, fascinations, favourite this-or-thats, he’s pretty open about though! He doesn’t mind sharing or talking about any of the casual topics about himself, it’s just the more personal stuff that takes time.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He’s extremely patient— The only way you would know is by a facial expression. His looks give him away more than his words or attitude does.  

↳ if you’re not getting along, he’s the first to apologise, and it’s not an “I’m sorry” end of conversation apology. It’s a well thought out apology, because you don’t argue about the little stuff, it’d have to be something big to get you at odds for a while.

Silently frustrated— even if he gets mad, he keeps his cool in circumstances. Never raises his voice, his tone just gets a little deeper.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He remembers everything— seriously, he does not forget anything. You’re his number one priority, so of course he pays attention. Even if there’s something you just mention at random, he’ll remember it. Say you mention how you used to have/like/want something, there’s a good chance it’s showing up again.

He also asks— he’s genuinely curious about you and wants to know as much as he can about the person he’s in love with. So, he loves childhood stories, random details, and little quirks about you.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The moment you said those three words— when you know everything about him, his past, his lifestyle, and you still decided to say I love you. And you still standing by it even though it meant waiting for him.

He also loves remembering the first time he saw you— he says he could never forget it, it was like a divine beauty just walked in.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you?)

Veryyy— he’s extremely protective of you, but not overbearing, he’s good a being distantly or subtly protective. In other words in public / at events / new places he keeps an eye on you, even if it’s from a distance.

He will literally do anything— there’s no limit with how far he’d go to protect you from anything or anyone, even if he knows he’s outmatched, he’ll find a way.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Dates— he puts a lot of effort into them, mainly trying to make it a perfect yet comfortable setting. So if you like quiet restaurants, that’s what he’ll find. If you like outdoors, he’ll find a stunning walkthrough garden, etc.

Celebrations— it’s always extravagant and grand and beautiful whenever you’re celebrating anything with him. He wants you to feel like the royalty he believes you are.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

How easy criminal life is for him lol— you love the fact that he surprised you with a real classic art piece for your birthday, but the exact details on how he got it isn’t as pretty. You frequently ask if there’s any other way he could make a living.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He’s not vain— despite the fancy and classy lifestyle, he’s never thought himself as an individual of great beauty. He likes beautiful things, which is why he says he was so attracted to you, but personally he doesn’t think much of himself.

He cares though— it’s not like he doesn’t care whatsoever, which is why he’ll usually ask you “what do you think of this?” in regards to fashion. He wants to look nice for you, and he knows how to do that. But he’s not the guy to check himself in the mirror, or constantly fret about his looks.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

He doesn’t need a relationship— but that’s what makes your so special. Since he’s not the type to just constantly need someone to feel complete, the fact that he does need you make you and your relationship all the more important to him.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

He can crash literally anywhere— you’ve found him on the couch, on the floor, in a chair, and you have no idea why it’s a habit of his, but it is! And you have definitely addressed him about it before.

↳ walking in to his study, you found him asleep on the floor between the couch and coffee table, shaking your head and crouching down, you woke him up. Looking up to you, you asked, “Helmut, why are you sleeping on the floor?” / “Hmm- wh- I’m not on the floor, you’re on the floor,” he states sitting up, brining you into a hug with him.

[shadowmayura]

I didn’t think I’d be doing this, but it’s gotten to the point where some things have to be said.

Someone from my past has been making vagueposts about me lately and I can’t allow it to go unaddressed any longer. They are disingenuous and at times downright false, and they imply a certain type of relationship that simply did not exist.

If at this point you don’t know exactly who and what I’m talking about, please scroll by. I’m not going to be mentioning her by name and I’m not here to drag additional people into this big mess. This is solely to address any misconceptions for those who have already seen this person’s posts and are left confused by the strange phrasing and missing information.

(TW: harassment, emotional abuse, stalking, vomit)

This person and I met online in the spring of last year. Soon after, she confessed to me that she had a crush on me. I wasn’t interested for a variety of reasons (distance, not knowing her very well, and a lack of attraction on my end) and I gently let her down but suggested that we could still be friends. At no point did I promise a romantic relationship with this person.

We got to know each other better as friends. For a while, it was genuinely fun. I did not harbor any romantic feelings but I did enjoy being her friend. But in the summer, we began to spend more time together, and that’s where it started to go wrong. In reality, it was gradual, but it felt very sudden because the realization that things had changed came all at once. Her flirting had become a lot more aggressive and she was implying to other people that there was something between us. Playful teasing had turned to something far more demanding, and we were talking to each other nonstop, up to 10 hours per day every single day. When I realized how drastically our interactions had changed, I tried to pull back. I became very uncomfortable with how much couple-like behavior had emerged on her side when I did not want to be in that kind of relationship.

My decision was met with a lot of resistance. She was upset at me that I wanted to cut back on the amount of one-on-one time spent together, and she also was upset when I took a week-long break from Discord as a whole. We had our first argument over this. I thought we reached an understanding, but at the end of the conversion, she expressed her need for significant quality time between us, leaving me feeling like I hadn’t been heard at all. It’s worth noting that I hadn’t cut her out entirely at this point. We were still talking almost every day, but we weren’t on voice chat for hours on end any longer. I just wanted interactions that were closer to a normal friendship rather than a romantic relationship that I had never consented to.

It got worse leading into fall. The flirting continued and escalated. She drew “friendship portraits” of the two of us with strong romantic undertones. As she continued to push, I drew back. She didn’t like this. I was met with passive aggression when I tried to set boundaries and put a comfortable distance between us.

September is where it reached a head. On September 17th, she coerced me into a video chat that essentially served as an intervention for my choice. I had a bad feeling going into it, but she insisted that we video chat rather than text chat. I reluctantly agreed under her false pretense that it would be a conversation solely about fandom matters, but within 5 minutes, she was crying on video. I became very uncomfortable and I continued to look at a document on my computer so she could compose herself. She calmed down, but as soon as I claimed to be done looking at it, she turned the crying on again.

For about an hour, I was berated. She was crying and yelling, not allowing me to get a word in edgewise. She was, once again, very upset with me that I had been pulling away from her. I desperately wanted to leave the call, but I knew that there’d be hell to pay later if I did. I forced myself to sit through the whole thing. When she was done, I was shaking. She expected me to speak but I was unable to form words for several minutes and I was additionally berated for not saying anything, even though I had already been cut off many times. When I was able to pull myself out of the state I was in, I told her that our interactions had become far too romantically-focused for my comfort and that I didn’t want her to flirt with me anymore. I then ended the conversation as quickly as I could.

I vomited several times after we hung up and was shaking for hours. I couldn’t sleep that night. A few days later, I lost clumps of hair. It is stress-induced alopecia areata that I’m still receiving treatment for. I don’t say any of this to garner sympathy, but I want to emphasize that this was not a conversation that I look back on fondly. It was traumatic. This unfortunately is relevant later.

At this point, it is safe to say that I did not want to associate with this person any longer, but this was not an option for me. There were fandom commitments that tethered us together, and I knew I’d have to weather out the storm. If I didn’t, I would tear friend groups apart, drop commitments that I cared a lot about, and potentially ruin both of our reputations in the community.

I tried to maintain some distance without angering her significantly, but it was all downhill from here. She continued to disrespect my boundaries and push me romantically. Flirting occurred less commonly in private chats since I would shut it down, but in public spaces, she continued to flirt with me, and I felt pressured to allow it in order to avoid awkwardness in group settings.

Her romantic interest turned into obsession. She became fixated on my Tumblr posts and Discord statuses, accusing me of referencing her when this was seldom the case. Jealousy arose about my friendships with other people. She didn’t trust me to make my own decisions with my friendships and disrespected my decisions when I made them. There was also a huge increase in emotional manipulation and guiltbaiting. Whenever calm and rational criticism of her behavior was given to her, she would exaggerate and call herself a terrible person so that the criticism would be dropped in favor of coddling and comforting her. It was impossible to bring up serious issues without her playing the victim.

She also became increasingly hard to deal with in a team environment. I often felt as if I was being disciplined for not loving her in return. My ideas were constantly nitpicked and shot down. I was condescended to. I began to feel unwelcome in group spaces because of these behaviors. I felt like she was pushing me out of public spaces in hopes that I would flee to private ones, though I tried to avoid that as much as possible.

In November, a flip switched. The romantic harassment almost entirely vanished and all her interactions with me became unkind. In some ways, it was refreshing because the worst of the stalking subsided, but the hostile environment was not easy to deal with. I retreated from fandom in order to avoid it as much as possible.

Finally in December, my fandom commitments finally ended, giving me the ability to end my friendship with her. Right before this, she spoke negatively of me in some public ways. One of these actions I cannot name here because it would reveal her identity, but it spoke ill of a community that I oversee.

The worst, however, was a fanfic that she published several days before I cut her off. She projected her and I onto the main couple of the fic. I was cast as Gabriel and she was cast as Nathalie. The further I read, the more sickened I became as the references became more overt.

Near the end of the fic, Gabriel and Nathalie have a huge argument. I was shocked to find exact quotes from our September 17th video chat in the dialogue of the fic. They were large sections of our conversation. At the end of their argument, Gabriel admitted all wrong and they make amends. As a couple.

I felt ill reading this. I still feel ill thinking about it. I hate that one of the most traumatic conversations in my life still exists on the internet for anyone to read, twisted into a scene that is meant to be read as good and romantic. I am reminded of all the harassment that I endured and I hate that that is a feeling I now associate with one of my favorite ships. There are other creators involved as well whose work has now been tainted by these real-world associations that had no business being in a fanfic.

After this, I cut her out of my life entirely. I was considering less drastic options, but this was the last straw that I knew we could not come back from. I removed her from several of my social circles and blocked her on all social media.

Before I blocked her, I sent a letter explaining in explicit detail why I would be cutting her out of my life. Despite this, she has recently claimed that she was never given a reason.

And that’s where we are now. My life has been more peaceful since December and I have begun to come out of my shell. For a couple of months she left the situation alone and that was fine with me. I was happy to peacefully coexist as long as I wasn’t having to interact directly.

However, my friends began calling my attention to recent posts on her blog that implied I had destroyed her mental health. Some of them have since been deleted. While I was willing to let the first one slide, these posts have increased in frequency while pushing an increasingly false narrative. I don’t enjoy the implications that I did something horrible to her by not consenting to a relationship.

I’m sure she will disagree with my take on things, and that’s fine. If she disagrees with my reasons with cutting her off, that is her prerogative, but I cannot allow her to claim that I didn’t give any reasoning when she did receive it through multiple channels of communication.

And I hope I haven’t gone a step too far in revealing that this person was in love with me. I debated not including it, but I’ve realized it’s an unavoidable issue that is central to the entire situation. At the root of it, I was romantically pursued and harassed. I cannot defend my reasons for cutting her off without disclosing the base motivation for the majority of her actions.

So that’s my story. I’d ask those who read this to please refrain from engaging in any harassment. This post has not been made with the intention to hurt her, as can be evidenced from months of me holding my tongue. I really did try to let her preserve her dignity, but I was left with no other options after being smeared multiple times. My purpose here is transparency.

I genuinely do wish her well, for both our sakes. I really hope that this will finally end her obsession and allow her to move on. But whatever happens, I refuse to be a doormat any longer in this situation.

[matches-binniebby-x]

I feel like I'm asking too much but I absolutely love your matchups so-

Can I request a Make Haikyuu match up? I edited my description to make it more detailed. I hope that's fine. :DD

Appearnce and style:

I'm a straight female, 5ft and 110lbs. I have short black hair and dark brown eyes. I'm slight on the chubby side as well. I'm in between pale and light brown skinned. I'm a pure Filipino and I have prescription glasses. I've often been called a "soft girl" but I really don't have a certain styles. My clothes are often t-shirts, off-shoulders, (of multiple color and style) and any type jeans. Hoodies and jackets are a must in winter season.

Personality:

I'm often described as a chaotic motherly type of person. I love to tease others but it's not often. I can be loud and obnoxious at times but I prefer to stay quiet, with people I'm new to. But once you get to know me, I'm loud and obnoxious ish. I can also be such a flirt if I wanted too but I only reserve those skills when needed. My patience is very long and I don't get annoyed easily. Affection and words are my love language. I tend to get just a tad bit grumpy when I don't get affection. I'm a really observant person, so I'm able to pick up emotional cues, habits, and body language. I use that to check on people I care about. I try to act tough and strong so I would be a role model, since I'm the oldest child. I also tend to suppress my emotions and even fake them just so no one would be burden of me. I do share them if I trust you enough. I can also be really insecure about my abilities and looks.

I can be really talkative. Like I can go on for HOURS without end. This is especially if it's about ranting about my week or maybe when I'm talking about something I love. I try not to talk a lot, maybe that's why when I do get to talk I T A L K. I'm very optimistic with a very hidden pessimistic side. I can become the mood maker of the group and my personality is compatible with almost everyone.

Flaws and strengths:

I can be really insecure and really clingy. My insecurities tend to refer to my looks but most of the time it's on maybe people find me annoying. Not only that, I can also be moody, especially on that time of the month. I overthink things a lot. I sometimes even wonder if my friends actually are my friends. You all that trust issues (but honestly I don't think I have trust issues I just overthink things). I'm not afraid of material things or the supernatural. I'm afraid of being judged and left alone or abandoned. I hate the feeling the loneliness.

But I do give good advice, that's what alot of people tell me. My optimism and energy almost always lifts the mood up. I'm great with talking to people. May it be comforting them, persuading, I can do that. I'm also quite good at reading people. Especially if they are close to me and I've been through things alot with them.

Random facts:

I usually listen to pop or ballad but I like almostvall types of music. Songs like IDK you yet by Alexander23 or This is gospel by Panic at the disco are some of my favorite. My star sign is Cancer but I don't really believe it but I love learning about it. I'm an INFP-T (The dreamer) and my Hogwarts house is Ravenclaw! I love learning and doing new things. Science is my favorite subject, specifically Biology/Zoology. I sing and write stories as a hobby. I really enjoy debates as well!

hey hey hey~ tysm for the request! hehe, it's no problem at all! oh and btw I absolutely love your matchups too, they’re so pretty :’)) i’m sorry this took so long, school has been killing me recently...anyways,

I PAIR YOU WITH SUGAWARA~

the two of you literally fit so well, it makes me want to cry. suga was my first choice and it remained that way till the end. 

Sugawara is literally one of the sweetest but at the same time chaotic character there is in the show and I feel like it fits your personality well!

Suga would be constantly complimenting you because of your insecurities and would make sure that you realize your own value. 

Suga can read the room well and knows when to cheer his friends up. If you were to hide your emotions from him, he would know almost immediately and comfort you. 

Sugawara tends to put others in front of him most of the time. Since you can understand people well, I feel like you would be able to help him out when he’s upset :’)

Suga would never leave you. He’d be by your side 24/7 and would be willing to listen to you rant or rant to you at any time. 

If you tried to act tough around suga, he would probably baby you even more until you soften down and know that it’s okay for you to be stressed at times 

PLEASE HE’S SO CHAOTIC, he’d probably panic the first time you flirt with him but around the second or third time he’d flirt back and make you feel flustered~

S C E N A R I O S 

you call him at 3 am and even though it’s really late and dark outside, he shows up at your door fifteen minutes later with your favorite snack in his hands and a warm smile on his face~

the two of you cheering up the team together! suga is as usual karate chopping people in the gut while yelling “negativity begone” and you’re cheering the first years up by cracking jokes~

suga probably loves to play with your hair. he’s constantly running his fingers through it and braiding it for you~

[eluvianarts]

My Solavellan Isn’t Hell - Here’s Why

It would first be important for me to note that I was late to the Dragon Age party, & started with Inquisition in 2017. Since then I have, of course, picked up & played all three titles multiple times, but my first playthrough with Inquisition introduced me to the world of Thedas, thus my understanding of terms like “the Fade”, “Grey Wardens”, & “the Rite of Tranquility” were shaped by this game first. It may also be noteworthy to mention that I always play my OCs as my own self - I design them to look like I do, react like I do, make decisions that I would make, etc. (So if I say “I” instead of “Lavellan”, this is the reason).

The first time I first heard the term “Solavellan Hell” I thought it was such a negative sounding reference to such a powerful romance. “Hell?”, I thought, though I had indeed finished the game & all DLCs. “Hell produces pain, suffering, & anguish. None of which I experienced in a concentrated enough amount to be considered hell.” But scrolling through tags I quickly understood where my experience differed from others, & I intended for quite some time to share my thoughts. Let me explain...

[This is the part where I warn the reader that spoilers are bound to follow under the cut]

[[Short version - Just read the last two paragraphs.]]

My inquisitor, Visériel Lavellan, was immediately enamored with Solas from the start. (I literally flung my arms in the air & said to my husband “I don’t even care that he’s bald!”). The way he described his journeys in the fade, (remember, I had no prior experience of the fade from the other games). To Visériel, the fade was a wonder just as Solas described; “It is the fade. They are all real.” ... Also that iambic pentameter. But I digress...

Visériel had eyes for no one else, & her flirting was saved only for Solas. When she stole a kiss in the fade, & it was returned with such passion, she knew they were bound to be a powerful couple, feeding off each other’s strengths, building up each other’s weaknesses, all while maintaining an air of dignity. This bond is important because she believes they are on equal grounds even if one or the other has strengths or weaknesses the other does not, (this feeling doesn’t change after Trespasser either - see below for reasons why Visériel feels she is meant for more).

She was not the big, brave, leader that the Inquisition seemed to position her as, but she took the role seriously, (albeit casually with her friends,) judged with mercy & forgiveness, made responsible tactical moves, (including going the long way about saving the Montilyet name in Orlais), & stood as it’s face even when she denied knowing whether or not the Maker had sent her, (she sees that knowledge has been tainted over the years, & believes that all peoples may be partially correct & partially incorrect). This is important because as more known “truths” concerning the Maker, the Divine, the Dalish gods, & the history of the Chantry are uncovered & found to be inaccurate, or flat out lies, she is not shocked, nor her faith rattled. (However, Sera greatly irritated Visériel because of her disrespectful attitude toward others’ beliefs).

Later on the balcony, when Solas mentions that she is not what he expected, asking if he had misjudged the Dalish, she replies with, “The Dalish didn’t make me like this. The decisions were mine”, because though she loves her family, she is her own person. Visériel had always thought of herself as not-quite-an-outsider, but not-quite-an-insider. Besides her wariness to believe another’s theory without any sort of analysis, she always felt she was meant for something higher. Becoming Inquisitor had partially given her what she felt she was missing, but it also sometimes felt wrong for her to be the face of those who had previously looked so far down their noses at her. This is important because when more is revealed about how the Elvhen used to be, she sees it as how she was always meant to be, especially in Trespasser when she travels the Eluvians, she is amazed at how wonderful it all is & the knowledge to be gained! (Also, Abelas, don’t you point your finger at me “You are not my people!”. Rude!) This is also important because when she discovers that Solas is Fen’Harel, she doesn’t bat an eye, because it only makes sense that she, having always felt she was meant for more, would fall for someone who was in fact “more”.

When Cole panics about his possible possession, & begs Solas to bind him, Visériel listens to the kid & reasons with him. Though she sees Varric’s side of the argument that Cole is also “strangely like a person”, she cannot ignore the fact that he is also like a spirit, & she would rather see him safe than sorry, & give him the protection he needs. She also generally leads with compassion & peace, so when confronting the Templar who killed Cole, she encourages him to forgive the man. One of the biggest reasons Cole is one of her best friends is because of his desire to help others, & she encourages him to look for many resolves to a situation, & not to take lives. This is important because she believes spirits can learn & that coexisting is possible & desirable.

When learning of Inquisitor Ameridan & his tragic romance with Telana, Visériel couldn’t help but wonder why Telana seemingly gave up on him. She spent the rest of her life searching for him in the fade when Visériel & her companions only had to find the metal spikes that Telana knew about & free him. Even if she knew it would release the dragon, she then should’ve spent her years learning how to kill it, or to release the spell’s hold on Ameridan, not simply dreaming & waiting for nothing to happen! This is important because when Solas leaves her, she is determined to do something useful, not just wait around for him to return on his own.

Discoveries at the Temple of Mythal, differing from what the Dalish currently believe, didn’t shock Visériel, but instead excited her! She loved finding the truth! Especially when it answered questions that she had been debating. Wanting to keep the peace, & to gain favor with the ancient elves, Visériel made the deal with Abelas even after his uppity behavior, (”You are not my people” Rude!). Honestly, Visériel wanted to destroy the well rather than let anyone have it, which seems contrary to her usual quest for the truth, but everyone was uncomfortable with the well, & if Solas was so adamant about himself not drinking from it, she surely wouldn’t risk it, so Morrigan drinks. When he asks what she will do with the power after the war she replies, “I’ll try to help this world move forward”, & when he responds angrily asking what she would do if it ends up worsening things, she says, “I’ll take a breath, see where things went wrong, and then try again”. This is important because Visériel keeps her head high, & is a beacon of hope even when the world is, (quite literally), falling apart. She prides herself on taking a breath, & moving forward. 

During the Crestwood vallaslin scene, Visériel chooses to remove the markings since she trusts Solas’ word & knowledge. She would rather move forward without the vallaslin, now knowing the truth behind what they stand for, rather than keep them as some form of sentiment. No matter if she originally got them for another reason, the truth is more important, & “my people vowed never to submit to slavery”, though she does express remorse that the Dalish were wrong once again. Her emotional responses are often either hope, agreement, or sadness. 

On the breakup part, I thought the dialogue choice, “I don’t want to lose you” would be more hopeful than a sad cry of “Solas!”. Then given that the dialogue choices were either a hopeful, “I believe in us”, or a sad, “I love you”, she really just wanted those three words said out loud, so I chose the sad dialogue, but a cross between the two choices would’ve been more accurate.

And this is where Visériel’s unshakable faith & fierce tenacity come in. Solas won’t explain to her about the breakup right away, but promises “everything will be made clear” after the defeat of Corypheus. So she is patient, waiting to get her answer, because she trusts him to keep his word. But of course, we know that he doesn’t follow through. When his orb breaks he is lost again, unsure of how to next move forward, & so he runs, to rethink, to replan, & Lavellan is left confused & troubled. Visériel believed something very important must’ve altered his course especially after his somber words of “it was not supposed to happen this way” & “what we had was real”, especially since they had been a force of power together. At Leliana’s gentle words that, “Perhaps he had no choice? He might return at any moment”, Visériel gave a shy smile, hopeful again.

She then used her resources to search for Solas, & as they years passed she grew less certain that he was even alive. Her time as Inquisitor was less appealing without him around, but she continued to try to better the lives of everyone she met. When the Exalted Council had to meet she was embittered at the resounding lack of thanks she was getting for all her hard work. But seeing her friends again brought back good memories, & when Cassandra lets slip that she thinks Lavellan is going to propose, she responds with, “I might get married. I’ve thought about it.”, because even after all these years she hasn’t lost hope that perhaps he may return.

Discovering new knowledge through the Eluvians excited her once more, made her feel part of something real again, but as her arm begins greatly paining her, she cries that she doesn’t want to die, followed by “not knowing the world still needed me”, but what she kept to herself was, “not knowing if Solas is still alive”. Venturing further through the Eluvians she pieces together that Solas is the Dread Wolf, & even more, she realizes he’s the one who’s been fighting the Qunari, which quickens her pace further, now knowing that he is alive & more powerful than she had ever imagined. (I should also mention that I 100% games, so I search every nook & cranny for every shred of information, dialogue, & quest). She wants to find him as soon as possible, to ask him about everything, only hoping that he’ll still look at her like he did on the balcony. Nothing else matters anymore - she is dying, Solas is alive, & the Inquisition is no longer of any use.

“We have to save him!”

Hearing his voice again, & seeing him look at her with even more care & kindness than he had before, all Visériel wanted to do was wrap her arms around him, so thankful that she hadn’t given up on him, nor he on her. (I wish the dialogue option for “You’re the Dread Wolf” wasn’t so accusatory sounding).

“What is the old Dalish curse? ‘May the Dread Wolf take you’?”, he says, afraid she now sees him as all the others do, with disdain, distrust, & disgust.

“Our legends about you are wrong. I saw the truth as we traveled the crossroads.”, she exclaims, filled with the revelation that what once seemed questionable to her now made so much more sense! 

“If you had just told me... Ma ghilana, vhenan!” 

 Visériel, having always believed she could analyze & interpret quite well, tosses aside what others may think of her, fully understanding that the world had been a marvel & could see it’s former glory again if the veil returned magic as it once was, & though it would take a long time for them to first stop mindlessly fighting one another, she believed men & spirits can coexist, as seen with her relationship with Colr. Ready to follow Solas as he had once followed her, & add her strengths to his, she believed that the world would be better in the end if his plan succeeded. 

He tells her everything, letting her gain all the knowledge & all the explanation that she was due.

“Let me help you, Solas!”

“I cannot do that to you, vhenan.”

“But you would do it to yourself? I cannot bear to think of you alone.”

But when time runs out, & her mark flares up again, Solas chooses to save her, but leave her again, hoping it would in fact save her life.

“Solas, var lath vir suledin!”, she confidently declares.

“I wish it could, vhenan. My love...” he whispers, resigned to go against her wishes. “I will never forget you.”. Then he disappears through the Eluvian.

The end of Trespasser is the second time he leaves her, but what has now taken place changes everything to her! The first time he left without a word, without explanation. She had no idea how he felt, why he left, what he was doing, or if she would ever see him again. Now she knows exactly how he feels, the reason he’s left, what he is up to, & she is fully determined to see him again! Last time she took deep breaths to keep her hope intact, searching for any sign of him, but now her hope is in full force, because she knows that he loves her, & she loves him, & she’s going to show him once again that they are stronger together than apart. Visériel disbands the Inquisition, not to sift out the agents of Fen’Harel (as the screen indicates), but because clearly the Inquisition is no longer needed, & she would rather have a handful of reliable friends at her side than an army of possible turncoats, especially when she knows she will be greatly opposed when she announces to her companions that she intends to help Solas against his enemies.

All in all, what I’ve taken away from why I didn’t consider my experience to be Solavellan “Hell”, is that I was always so skeptical of the information given to me, (be it about beliefs, persons, or history), hopeful in what could be, & persistent in going after the truth, & what I wanted. I have heard that Solas takes from Lavellan her beliefs in her gods, (which to my Lavellan only confirmed what she guessed at previously), her connection to her clan via the vallaslin, (if you remove it, which my Lavellan did, because she believes the truth is more important than some heritage marking), & her physical arm, (how can this one be bad? Either remove her arm to save her life or let her die? How about take my arm!). Needless to say, I’m very excited for the next installation of Dragon Age, even if it doesn’t bear the fruit that I hope for. Here’s to possibilities! *and to all Solasmancers*

[og-lacksubstance-studios]

Do You Remember - Part 4

Summary: Can you recall the first time you ever loved someone? Someone who made you challenge yourself and learn all the unexpected feelings? Sometimes you forget, but then the unexpected happens and you find yourself back to the beginning.

Embry remembers that day so clearly. The feeling of Sage’s front pressed against her back and the way her breath felt against her ear. She knew exactly then and there that Sage felt something towards her; it really couldn’t have been more obvious. She remembers taking extra long to clean up the rest of her equipment, just so she could process everything that just happened. Sage didn’t know then that she had a power over Embry, but Embry knew it wouldn’t be long till she found out; however, the road wasn’t exactly easy. It was surely bumpy.

As Embry makes her way to the refreshments table with her name tag nestled on the right side of her chest. She couldn’t help but bask in the return of being here. She was able to reunite with Kennedy and that was a bigger feat than she could ever hope for. She felt like for once she wasn’t scared to be back in this very gym where she cheered her heart out for her school and did pep rallies to get everyone pumped for the upcoming games.

She pours herself a drink and turns around to look at the rest of the graduating class of 2008. Everyone seemed to fit back into their bubbles, like they never left. She takes a sip from her cup as she scans the area like she’s in a desperate search. Kennedy knew exactly what Embry was there for. To be honest, she didn’t know what to expect. Perhaps she just felt like she needed to see how she was. It definitely would’ve made her feel more at peace.

A woman and a guy walk up next to the table, socializing happily with their hands clasped together with linked fingers. The guy pours the woman a drink as the woman glances over in Embry’s direction briefly. She does a double take and chances another look at the name tag.

“Oh my God, Embry?” Embry finally brings her attention to her side and notices the blonde almost immediately recognizing her.

“Holy shit Madison,” Embry says as Madison engulfs her into a tight embrace with the same megawatt smile she always had.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’d be here?” Madison questions her almost accusingly. Embry and Madison remained in contact even after high school, but they definitely didn’t speak as much as they’d like as they both had a busy life.

“I sort of RSVP’d last minute,” Embry admits as she fiddles with her cup rim as Madison looks at her with deep concern.

“Understandable.” Madison pauses. “It’s not like the last half of the year was easy for you, so I totally understand why you’d be hesitant,” she says as the drink is handed to her. She regards the guy with a smile, it’s a weak one and then the conversation grows awkward when the guy finally acknowledges Embry.

“How are you, Embry?” He asks uncomfortable as his hand remains laced with Madison’s. It doesn’t go unnoticed to Embry and since she is friends with Madison on social media, she was aware they were married now, and she was totally fine with it.

“You know you two don’t have to be so awkward,” Embry comments as she takes another sip of her drink. They glance at one another uncertainty laced in their expressions. “Seriously! I am happy for you two. It is not like I ended things on great terms, Greg,” she adds as he nods slowly.

“Yeah, you really didn’t end anything at all,” he says with a stiff undertone, taking a gulp of his drink.

Embry heard his tone and she knew she needed to say something, especially when he was married to one of her best friends. “I know,” she says softly, but it piques his interest. “And I never apologized for that, so I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you and all I genuinely want is for you to be happy,” she admits and he debates it over in his head till he finally nods.

“I appreciate that,” he says offering a smile in her direction as Madison equally returns it, happy to see that any negative feelings have been squashed. “But seriously, how have you been?”

Embry pauses for a moment, trying her best to think of the right words. Her career is flourishing, she is happy with how her professional life is going, but she definitely struggles with the personal parts, but how can she openly express that to her ex-boyfriend and his wife, who is also her best friend?

“Things are going well,” she says. It’s simple and easy. She hated complicated. Greg goes to respond when Madison clears her throat to stop him. Their focus has changed to a figure behind Embry, which she finally turns around to acknowledge.

Her hands are nestled into her pockets and she has a suave, cool demeanor to her, but also uneasy energy to her as she locks eyes with Embry. Embry doesn’t know how she can still hold this same effect on her as she did ten years ago, but seeing her now, nothing has changed much except that she looks even hotter.

Sage is wearing a button-down white shirt that has the top two buttons undone. She’s wearing a navy blue jacket and her black jeans are fitted, hugging all the right places, finishing her outfit out with black ankle boots. She looked absolutely sexy and Embry was weak.

“Long time no see,” Sage says.

YEAR 2008 – 5 MONTHS TILL GRADUATION

It’s been two weeks since Embry really spoke to Sage and for good reason. She wasn’t sure what was happening between them and it terrified her. She never had any desire to be with a girl, but now she was questioning everything. She found herself during her downtime and often during class time, weighing out the pros and cons of dating Greg vs. dating Sage. And the truth was eye opening.

She believed that she liked Sage more than Greg without a shadow of a doubt, but Greg was a safer choice. He was a guy and Sage was a girl. She knew her parents would and have already approved of Greg rather than Sage.

Sage was a riskier choice because she believed in the idea of doing what makes you happy while Greg appreciated making others happy. The problem was that Embry has been doing that for years and it is beginning to take a toll on her. She wasn’t happy and she was risking her own happiness to fill everyone else’s joy. How was that fair? Sage got that and she was the only one who did. She understood her feelings and was willing to sit there and let her vent, but Greg only cared about himself. He was self-centered and egotistical, and as Sage put it in the art room; a tool.

So many doubts and questions arose in Embry’s mind, but she knows she has to work this all out on her own, so distancing herself from Sage for the moment was her only course of action.

Thankfully, it wasn’t hard to do seeing as the cheerleading squad had several extra practices these last two weeks to prepare for the upcoming pep rally. Cheerleading proved to be a good distraction and she appreciated and welcomed that.

The pep rally was this afternoon, so Embry shows up in her uniform and immediately walks to her locker to get her book for her first class. She feels hands encircle her waist from behind and immediately a smile forms on her face.

“Sa—,” she releases without thinking as she turns to come face to face with Greg. “Uh hey babe,” she recovers with a laugh as he smiles widely at her, covering her mouth with his, her mistake going unnoticed.

“Mmm,” he hums into the kiss before pulling away. “You know what that uniform does to me,” he says eyeing her up and down like a piece of meat. Maybe any other girl would find it sexy that their boyfriend loves looking hungrily at them, but Embry finds herself wishing it was someone else.

“Pep rally is today, so it wasn’t exactly because I had nothing else to wear,” Embry replies and he shakes his head in reply.

“You should appreciate the fact that I find you sexy and my eyes never waver from you,” Greg replies and Embry now feels like she should add that to her list. Greg is one of the only football players she knows who is actually completely faithful. She’s never once heard any rumors circulating that he was caught talking to some other girl at a party. Yes, several girls have tried, but he always claimed he wasn’t interested. Sage, well Embry didn’t know how she was in a relationship, but she never saw Sage with anyone, flirting essentially or anything of that nature, so maybe she is also equally faithful.

“Oh, I don’t doubt she does.” Kennedy slides up next to Embry followed by Madison as they look at Greg. He jokingly widens his eyes and bows his arms to the three of them like their royalty.

“Is it my birthday? How did I get so lucky to be in the presences of such cheerleading royalty?” He turns away. “I am not worthy,” he adds prompting a smile to rise to Embry’s lips as Kennedy rolls her eyes followed by a laugh to escape Madison.

“Yeah okay, joke it up big man,” Kennedy says as Greg turns around just as the bell rings. He leans forward to kiss Embry and tell her he’d see her at the pep rally, before walking down the hall to his first class. “I’m just waiting for him to propose,” she adds as Embry shuts the door.

“We’re still in high school,” Embry says as they begin to walk down the hall in the opposite direction to their own class.

“So? People get married to their high school sweethearts all the time,” Kennedy says as the three of them turn into the room.

“Yes, but how many of them stay together?” Madison points out as Embry nods in agreement.

“Whatever, be logical,” Kennedy says as they stare at her amused. “I’ll be on the side of love.”

The pep rally begins and Embry with the rest of the squad prepare to take their entrance in front of the school. They wait for them to be called out after they hear everyone getting hyped up till finally, they hear it.

“Now everyone give it up for your Panther cheerleaders!” The gym roars with excitement as Embry and the rest of the team run out to greet the filled gym. Embry waves around happily her pompoms as she takes her place on the gym floor. She finds herself absentmindedly scaling the gym when her eyes land on the third row to the top. Sage stares at her in awe and almost admiration. Her bottom lip remains in between her teeth and Embry shutters at the way she stares at the team—no at her.

“Alright Easton High cheer squad, who’s ready?” Embry screams to her team as they get into formation. Embry’s eyes never leave Sage’s as if to keep an air of determination between them. If Sage wanted a show, Embry was going to give her one.

Her team yells their reply and they begin their set as the music blares through the speakers. Their moves are fluid and fast-paced to match the rhythm of the beat. Her eyes never leave Sage and if she has to turn around she makes sure to whip her head fast enough for her hair to swoop to the other shoulder, and her eyes to be trained back to Sage. Each flip, cartwheel, split, and jump is calculated with precision. Her body rolls and sways with the music and she almost feels like Sage’s eyes follow each movement with intrigue, till finally, the music stops and Embry along with the rest of the team land in their final position.

The gym roars in excitement. “Let’s give it up one more time for your Panther cheerleaders!” The MC yells over the mic as the girls run off to cool down. Embry feels the light sweat glistening on her body as the girls gather around excited at the way their routine smoothly was executed.

“We killed it!” Kennedy says excitedly to Embry as she smiles at the rest of the girls.

“Hell yeah, we did!” Embry replies. “Hey, I’m going to go into the locker room, I’ll be right back,” she tells her before disappearing to the girls’ locker room.

She walks to the back where her gym locker is and places the combination in. It’s quiet aside from the echoing sounds of the music playing in the gym and excited cheers. She takes a deep breath and sighs trying her best to make sense of what she was thinking during that set. Sage was aware of everything that was happening, but she hoped no one else noticed.

“I’m confused.” Embry turns around to see Sage standing there, looking unbelievable like she always does. “When I think I have you figured out, you do things to twist everything,” she continues as she walks closer to her.

“Look I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you,” Embry finally says and Sage shakes her head softly, the messy bun that sits on top of her head bounces ever so slightly.

“I’m not mad. I gave you space because it seemed like you wanted it, so I respected it,” Sage says as she continues to walk closer till Embry doesn’t realize she’s backed into the lockers. “I can go if you want,” she whispers lowly to her, her hands resting on each side of her head.

Embry’s heart is racing in her chest, threatening to beat right out of her skin. Her body is growing hotter than it already was prior and her stomach does somersaults in nervousness. This made everything all the more clear. Greg never made her feel this way, but here Sage is making her body react to her simply being in close proximity and the thought of her actually touching her sends her mind into oblivion.

When Embry remains silent trying to get her body to calm down, Sage begins to think she overstepped so she pushes back and gives them enough distance. “I’m sorry,” she tells her, slightly embarrassed as she turns to leave, but without thinking Embry reaches out for her hand.

Sage stops and Embry pulls her back to her, pressing her lips hard to hers in a fierce kiss. Immediately, Embry feels electrified by the taste and the passion that Sage has ignited in her. When Sage presses her entirely against the lockers, rising her slightly to wrap her legs around her waist while she laces their fingers together to hold her closer, she felt indescribable, like they were the only two in the universe.

It is then that she realizes she officially has made her choice, but now it was a matter of what everyone else will think, what happens from here, and how to tell Greg about it.

[onlyaclichecandescribeme]

Things That Happen 11/16/17

1. Exercised, read little bit more of Mansfield Park, read a little more of Hamlet, did some GRE studying, edited a friend's essay, talked to my boyfriend while I was productive and that really helped. Really really helped. He's a very good and kind person.

2. Speaking of Mansfield Park, people aren’t exactly cruel to Fanny, but they are not exactly kind. Edmund is the only one who considers her at all. Fanny seems very sullen and I wouldn’t call her likable. BUT ALSO SHE BARELY SPEAKS AT ALL SO HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO KNOW HER? AND ALSO NO ONE GIVES HER ROOM TO SPEAK! I’m just waiting to get to know her as I know Austen’s other heroines. Perhaps Fanny Price is different. Perhaps Austen wants to show readers something else this time. Still, I like the book. I want to know where it goes next. I started to like this one earlier than I had started to like Sense and Sensibility which was really annoying to me at first. I might read Northanger Abbey next. But I know I need to read some Thomas Hardy and I really want to read Great Expectations. We’ll see. 

Okay but I’m wondering what I’m supposed to be looking for in this book. So far I’m seeing a lot about how richer family members treat poorer ones, how much wealth affects desirability and perceptions of character, expectations placed on an individual based on their social status. 

I’m also very interested in Edmund’s decision to become a clergyman and his debates with Miss Crawford regarding the importance of religion in individual morality and societal morality. I wonder what was going on at the time Austen was writing this. ALSO Miss Crawford is bothering me. I feel like she thinks debating with Edmund is flirting and in a way it is. BUT this banter is doing a little more than that. Their banter is showing the fundamental differences between the two. They think very differently from each other and not in a way that’s helpful for either of them. How do I go about explaining this? Let’s see. Hmmm. What I think is that neither of them seek to learn from each other. One thing I’ve noticed about Austen is that she likes her “quality af” couples to represent how love is meant to be a meeting of like-minded people. Not in all ways, I can assure you but in the ways that matter to both of them. Miss Crawford does not respect the church and religion. She speaks poorly of those who raised her - something Edmund would never do. She isn’t necessarily unkind, but she isn’t kind in a way that is sincere. Yet Edmund is quite attracted to her and I wonder if it’s because he is expected to be (well, I suppose I’m neglecting Tom but we all know nothings going to happen there so Ed was the natural second choice) or if he’s taken in by surface. Austen’s “quality af” couples (or at least most beloved couples) are usually ones who listen to each other, who hold each other in high esteem, who take into account what the other says when discussing the character of others, who learn from and with each other. The men don’t solely care about a woman’s “accomplishments” and the pleasure they take in them. They aren’t only interested in surface attraction. Also Miss Crawford bothers me a little. 

3. Still have to do some writing for my next D&D campaign. Still have to read two short stories. Still need to write a little poetry. Overall, I'm looking forward to all of this. I'm really dizzy and feel a little sick, so I hope I can still do it.

No real negative thoughts today, but I have to record some things that are going on. I feel the need to keep myself in check even if I don't always admit what's going on explicitly. It's something at the very least. I didn't have a bad day though.

1. There might be a chance to tell my parents I need therapy. I just have to wait to see how certain things play out. I have to be cautious and patient because this is something I don't want to rush and mess up. I can't trust them yet. Things with my mom are getting better, but I can't jump into sharing this with her yet.

2. I respect you a lot, so I'm treating you with respect. We're friends. We're going to stay friends as long as it's good for both of us. You can make your own decisions, so I have to respect you and take you at your word. This is only going to work if we respect each other and this is my way of showing you that I'm not going to treat you like a child in need of handling. I care about you a lot, and I know what kind of impact I've had on you. I know that I have to be honest with both of us and that this is for the best. 

3. I'm worried about you.

4. I know... don't... me. I think that's okay. In fact, it's preferable. I have to record myself saying that because it's not good. This is not okay. I recognize... but how... I can't say.

5. I love you so much.