#i cried on twitter when this was announced help me

[babydollmarauders]

TWIN HUGHES — LUKE HUGHES

part of the luke’s gf au !

dolly.notparton

liked by lhughes_06, jackhughes, and 56,827 others

dolly.notparton life the past 9 months…. thank you for sharing your birthday @/jackhughes 🤍 pretty sweet of you

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jackhughes not like i had a choice, the twins were coming out whether i wanted to share a birthday or not

dolly.notparton i spent the last 9 months of my life making your presents, you could at least act thankful!

jackhughes do they come with a receipt?

dolly.notparton THATS YOUR NIECE AND NEPHEW YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, YOU UNGRATEFUL SWINE!

jackhughes wtf is a swine?

dolly.notparton god you should’ve gone to college

dylanduke25 TWIN! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!

dolly.notparton oh my god, they can say that and MEAN IT! DYLAN YOURE A GENIUS!

edwards.73 i don’t think anyone has ever said that about duker and meant it

dolly.notparton @/edwards.73 be nice to my dyl pickle

edwards.73 i’d be a lot nicer if you didn’t give me ammo by calling him things like “dyl pickle”

lhughes_06 so grateful for this little family we’ve created ❤️

dolly.notparton i l*ve you <3

lhughes_06 did you just censor the word “love”?

dolly.notparton maybe you would get the uncensored version if you hadn’t left your extremely pregnant girlfriend for hockey? idk, just a thought

jackhughes get him dolly!

lhughes_06 @/jackhughes stay out of this

_quinnhughes dolly and her dolls 🩷💙 i’m so happy for you guys. i know you’ll make amazing parents

dolly.notparton quinny, i love you tremendously. hurry up and finish in the playoffs so you can meet your niece and nephew 🤍

_quinnhughes i love you too but i’m not “hurrying” anything, i’ve got the cup in mind

dolly.notparton so you hate me and my children

_quinnhughes that’s not at all what i just said

dolly.notparton i can guarantee that’s exactly what you just said

lhughes_06 please don’t fight her on this, she’s tired and just pushed out two babies and i know she’ll find a way to be angry at me about this too

_quinnhughes @/lhughes_06 so i should fight her on this? heard. @/dolly.notparton check your texts

elblue6 my babies and my grandbabies 💗

dolly.notparton love you mama el!! can’t wait for you to come see the twins!

curtislazar95 god help us, they’re multiplying

dolly.notparton maybe i’ll make a whole hockey team of them

curtislazar95 20 sarcastic poodle haired bambi skaters with insatiable appetites

john.marino97 congratulations, guys! i’m happy to hear it was a happy and healthy birth story

dolly.notparton they’ll love their uncle johnny because he’s a twin just like them 🤍

john.marino97 i can teach them all about being a twin

lhughes_06

liked by njdevils, nhl, and 64,291 others

lhughes_06 Milo Oliver Hughes; May 14th 2024, 3:16pm

Luella Grace Hughes; May 14th 2024, 3:20pm

tagged dolly.notparton

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dolly.notparton we made those

lhughes_06 fuck yeah we did! we did fantastic!

dolly.notparton and jack tries to say i can’t cook!

jackhughes because you can’t. you burned water. HOW DO YOU BURN WATER?

dolly.notparton @/jackhughes do you see what i cooked up inside of me?! you cried when you saw them!

jackhughes that was between us!

dolly.notparton @/jackhughes and now it’s between us and luke’s 185k followers and probably all of twitter! 🫶

user72 ARE YOU TELLING ME SHE’S BEEN PREGNANT FOR NINE MONTHS AND NONE OF US NOTICED?!

user93 OH MY GOD! LUKE’S A DILF

liked by dolly.notparton

markestapa SHOW ME THE BABIES!

lhughes_06 if you’d check the groupchat for once, you’d see the babies

markestapa oh

markestapa OH THEY’RE SO CUTE! YOU GUYS DID GOOD

lhughes_06 thanks stop sign! 🛑

edwards.73 congrats guys 🤝

lhughes_06 thanks eds 🤝

dolly.notparton this is a birth announcement not a damn frat party photo dump, you guys could add some hearts or at least a damn smiley face!

edwards.73 @/dolly.notparton no 🤝

dawson1417 congratulations! can’t wait to meet them next season!

njdevils gift basket coming your way! 👀congratulations!

user20 TWINS 🥹🫶

rutgermcgroarty swimmers be swimming

lhughes_06 🏊‍♂️🏊‍♂️

dolly.notparton do guys think or do they just do?

user85 so not only is luke the youngest hughes brother, but he’s also the only one in a long-term relationship and the first one to have kids… jack and quinn better step it up

user03 they kept this a secret for nine months and then really just pulled a “SURPRISE!” on us?! he played hockey all the way up until the birth— they dropped NO hints

nhl congratulations luke and y/n!

_quinnhughes proud of you two and how much you’ve grown ❤️ not little kids chasing each other around with bugs and porcelain dolls anymore, are ya?

lhughes_06 nope, all grown up. in the league with 2 kids now! thanks bro

dolly.notparton not my fault he was scared of my dolls! have i mentioned that he made me get rid of them when i moved in?

_quinnhughes @/dolly.notparton once or twice a day, yeah

dolly.notparton those were my babies 💔

lhughes_06 @/dolly.notparton i just gave you 2 new babies… the real kind

dolly.notparton luke, you genius! i can get luella porcelain dolls!

lhughes_06 @/dolly.notparton NO! THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

_quinnhughes @/dolly.notparton look in the attic when you get home 😉

lhughes_06 THOSE DEMON THINGS HAVE BEEN UP THERE THE WHOLE TIME?!

[lessi-lover]

the not so very well hidden II b.mead x v.miedema

summary: beth seeks help on how to manage with a newborn baby ★ the not so very well hidden II b.mead x v.mediema

beth and viv hadn't exactly tried to hide you away from anyone. it was just how it seemed to work out in the scheme of it all. with the amount of commitment it took to get through not one but two acl injuries, announcing you was the last thing on their minds. and so, you stayed in shadows away from the media.

beth didn't exactly know how comfortable she felt sharing her and viv's journey of adopting you a couple months past the first round of surgeries, and she definitely wasn't sure of the reactions that would spur if they did tell end up telling anyone.

on the other hand, viv wasn't at all bothered about telling people that they had decided to adopt a baby girl. she honestly enjoyed watching the attention you relished in by her friends and family, although she didn't think she'd get used to them showing up unannounced.

they had kept it tame, only introducing you to a couple of family members, then their cousins and aunts and uncles, and then finally a few close friends. it had all gone perfectly, you and your inherent bubbly nature entertained all of their friends to no end and nobody could stir away from your toothy grin and loud giggles.

it was only when photos of beth and viv walking around with a toddler surfaced on twitter that beth realised how much you would actually be exposed if they were to reveal you to the world.

she didn't like the thought of that.

she wanted to keep your smiley face and bright eyes away from the cruelness of social media. she wanted your first steps and your first words to be a private moment that would just be for her and viv, so they kept you a secret.

"what's on your mind beth?" steph, one of beth's closest friends asked. the two of them had been sitting on the porch, the both of them sipping their tea in silence as they watched the last of the sunset.

the australian had been worried about her friend for a few weeks now, the usually cheerful blonde always the one to make everyone else smile, but lately she just seemed so distracted and out of it from what steph knew of her best friend.

beth sighed, setting her cup down on the wooden table. "it's about y/n." she began, her voice warm even as she spoke so worriedly. "i've been thinking a lot about whether or not we should tell everyone about her."

steph nodded, understanding immediately what her friend was talking about, she had seen a few posts about the 'mystery baby' online but chose not to mention it in spite of comforting beth. "you and viv have done a great job keeping everything private. but why the sudden concern?"

"photos of us with y/n are all over twitter," beth admitted. "it just made me realise just how much exposure to the public she would get if we went public with the whole adoption. i don't want to expose my baby to the harshness of social media."

"viv's not as worried about it," beth continued, trying her best to explain how she felt in hopes her friend could offer the advice she usually would. "she enjoys seeing buttercup interact with our friends and family. but for me, it's different."

steph was on the edge of her seat, her hand moving to beth's knee as she saw a few stray tears escape beth's eyes, the tears dampening her top as she tried to muffle her cries.

"mum never got to meet her, and that still hurts. by the time i realised how sick she really was, the adoption was out of the question and i just wanted to be with my mum."

steph squeezed beth's hand, her expression softening from the one she sported just ten minutes ago, never having seen the fellow blonde so distraught and upset. "i can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you, beth. your mum would have loved y/n."

beth nodded with her lip between her teeth, tears welling up in her bright eyes. "i know she would have. she always wanted to see me happy and having a family of my own. it just feels like sharing buttercup with the world is letting go of something so personal, something my mum never got to be a part of no matter how hard she tried to stay with us."

steph took a deep breath, choosing her next few words carefully, she didn't want to mess anything up given how hard it must have been for beth to share this with her. "you know, sharing buttercup doesn’t mean losing those moments you have as a family. you and viv can still have those special memories, you can control what you want to share and what you keep just for yourselves."

beth nodded, appreciating steph's support even when she had just thrown this into her hands with no warning. "viv and i didn't exactly hide buttercup. it just sort of happened with how everything ended up coming together. two acl injuries and the adoption process.. it was overwhelming to say the least."

"you've both been through a lot," steph acknowledged beth's words, nodding along so the blonde knew she was listening. "how did the the introduction to your family go?"

"it was perfect. little one charmed everyone who came. they couldn't get enough of her actually," beth smiled fondly at the memory. we started with close family and then we moved on to our other friends and of course you."

"see, she is already loved by so many," steph pointed out, remembering how you giggled when you first saw her and reached your small hands out to grab her hand to pull her even closer than the aussie had already been. "maybe it's time to let the rest of the world know. on your terms, of course."

beth sighed, deep in thought. "i just want to keep the special things private. those moments are for us to enjoy."

"and they will be," steph assured the blonde. "no matter what, those moments will always belong to you and viv. nobody can make them any less special than they are to you. you can control how much you share with the world."

beth looked at steph, her eyes filled with gratitude. "thanks, steph. i needed to hear that."

"anytime, beth. whatever you decide, i'm here for you," steph said, giving her friend a reassuring smile.

[writingoddess1125]

Barefoot and Bruised pt 2

Support me on Kofi

Pt 1 <<<

Once again old WIP that I just finished (can kinda tell the age cause I quoted the artist for Twitter sooo- Yeah)

SO MUCH ANGST!

Honestly cried myself while reading through it. DAMN

Art by Vamos_mk on Twitter check them out!

⚠️Warnings: ⚠️ Angst, Sadness, Depression, Character Death mentioned (you)

Aoko had found all of this..

Odd?-

Captian Buggy wasn’t like the other pirates she had met even if it was only in passing when she was on then streets. Most sneering at her and throwing old bottles or trash at her-

Pirates were supposed to be loud and mean, weren’t they?

Always shouting orders, drinking, stealing treasure. And sure, Captian Buggy shouted a lot, but it wasn’t at her. And the crew? They could be rowdy and overall weird for sure, but when it came to her, they were… soft.

Too soft?

It had started small. When she boarded The Red Top ship, Buggy seemingly keeping her close by his big hand on her head, ruffling her dirty blue hair. Aoko saw their faces however when she was announced as Buggy's apprentice. All of them wide eyed staring at her- like she was some sort of monster or ghost.

Then green pirate named Cabaji making sure she ate well and not just scraps, but real food, warm food, the kind that filled her belly in a way she hadn’t felt before- how he would give watery smiles at her which made Aoko uneasy as he offered more.

How the pretty lady Alvida going and cutting her hair which now had to be very short since the knots had been inpossible to comb out. Then made sure she washed up and in the warmest clothes to keep the cold from her boney frame.

It was weird. It was too nice.

But it wasn't just them- All the pirates on the ship seemed to give tight lipped smiles and uneasy looks to her, however seemed to cater to her every whim.

Letting her see the performances and any act she wanted, Which she had liked a lot however didn't make it any weirder.

Then there was Captian Buggy-

He was the weirdest one for sure.

While Aoko expected to scrub the deck or haul crates till her hands were raw, Buggy only asked her to fetch maps, compasses, or little trinkets.

Which didn't make sense to Aoko either- His hands could float she had seen his devil fruit how he had said he was a 'Chop Chop Man'

So why did she grab stuff that was in his office??

That and he kept her close, never letting her stray too far from his sight. Sometimes, when she turned to look at him, she caught him staring.

Not in a creepy way either or even angry, just like-

Sad?

It had been weeks of this, her living in nothing short of luxury and only helping the Captian grabbing small random things in his office.

Aoko walked up to him, this time a random what seemed to be broken Compass he had asked her to get from a close by dresser, Setting it in his large gloved hands as he once again stared at her.

She stared back, Hard- Narrowed even as her mind couldn't half handle the constant tension, sure she didn't want to bite the hand that fed her but she couldn't help herself either!

"Wby do you always look sad staring at me?-" She almost barked out, Seemingly Catching her Captian off Guard.

-

Buggy stared at Aoko, His eyebrows raised as he stared at her face- Still seeing those markers of you and him- seemingly him winning this time, How her lips twisted up in that same scowl as him and the way her matching eyes narrowed at him-

He knew he had been acting different, it wasn't a surprise really. His normal loud and flashy self had taken a heavy hit for years now and was shelved the mask he wore was almost entirely broken allowing the hallow and miserable man underneath.

More now then ever really..

He mentally blamed that Flashy, Foolish, and Insecure mask for what he had done- if he had only been honest he would still have you-

It also made him feel weak.. and scared with Aoko here- She was a single frayed thread he got to clutch onto to anchor himself to you and was so scared it would snap at any moment.

It was difficult time to say the least-

Ever since he had brought Aoko on the ship under the lie of her being his apprentice he couldn't help but feel like his emotions were so out of order?

And he never thought a child so small he worried sometimes a breeze could catch her the right way and blow her off the side of the ship could make him sob every night and afraid of her leaving his side but also so happy she was there at the same time.

"Well? I've never heard of a clown looking sad before, Aren't you suppose to smile?"

Buggy couldn't help but let a chuckle leave him, Rubbing his face with his hand as he set the Compass on the desk- knowing damn well he didn't need it either way. 'Damn this kid is quick- Just like (Y/N)' He thought to himself as he stared back at her.

"I usually do- But feeling.. out of it now. I'll explain when you're older" He dismissed waving his hand at her, expecting her to wrinkle her nose and March off as he had learned she did.

"I wanna know now. I'm not stupid-" Ah Shit- Shit Shit Shit. Buggy thought as he looked to her, Clearly seeing she was gon a dig her heels into this. Something he emotionally really didn't think he could resist either.

"Oh? You're not?" He teased, a smile forming back on his lips as he leaned his head on his hand. Aoko scowled harder, clearly not liking his little teasing.

"No I'm not! I can tell something is wrong with this crew!"

"Did you expect us to be normal?" He chimed, Hoping his more easy and humorous way could ease her from this conversation- one he really didn't want.

"No.. But" She hesitated at this, Looking at the door to his office were she knew the others were "I didn't expect you all to be so.. Sad?"

Buggy flinched at her words, 'Gods If I could turn back time' rubbing the back of his neck- Wondering if he should have ordered the crew to not clue her in on those emotions of theirs- But clearly that fucking ship had sailed.

He stared at her hard, Wondering if the truth was really worth it... If she would scream, curse or hate him forever.

He was a coward at the best of times, lied and cheated his way into power with stupidity and luck. However he felt like he had no armor, no will to lie and that he had already showed his weakness to her and taught her to hold the knife of exactly were to hit.

Buggy sighed heavily as he stared at her-

'Couldn't be worse then how I hate myself anyway' Buggy thought, A shallow form of loathing hitting him.

"You really want to know?"

She nodded, her fist clenched tightly like she was prepared to defend herself. Buggy reached into the drawer of his desk, almost shaking as he reached in and pulled out his only thibg he had of you which was a drawing of you and him on his Throne clearly drunk and the Jolly Roger Coin he had your name engraved on that he snatched back when he abandoned you- aka the biggest mistake of his life.

He held it up for her to see, before placing the coin it in her hands. He saw the way her eyes seemed to harden and flickered between him, the photo and the coin. He could see her silently doing the math in her head- He had to admit she was smart Buggy setting the photo back down.

Buggy took a heavy breath as he rubbed his face once more, slouched in his big chair like he was deflated.

"I took that from your mother... The day I found out she was going to have you.. I-I"

His eyes started to water as he looked to the ground unable to meet Aoko eyes as she held the coin in her hand- tightly.

"I sent her away... I had been scared- Thinking she had been lying and that, I.. I.. I don't know why I thought that- I was.. A damn Fool.. I was scared of being your father, of failing and that your mother wouldnt stay.. So I pushed her and you away"

It felt like the room had the air sucked from it- Like Buggy lungs was filling with salt water as he laid his heart out.

"I-Im sorry- I wanted to tell yo-"

He felt the coin hit his head as a tiny fist followed afterwards, hitting him square in the chest. Buggy looking up as he stared at Aoko her face red and lips quivering as fat tears rolled down her face.

"She died waiting for you!" She screamed at him, Buggy feeling like he got shot in the chest as tears began to fall. Sitting there as this little girl... his little girl stared at him with almost hatred in her eyes.

"My Mommy Died W-Wanting you back and keeping that stupid necklace!"

She sobbed out, Angry tears leaving her as she glared up at him, Buggy feeling nothing but shame as she continued to punch his chest with those pitiful little hits-

"S-She- She said she- You'd come back! "

Hiccuping sobs began to leave her as she tried to wipe the tears and snot from her face. Almost babbling as she cried, trying to hit him again-

"T-Thst you were lo-lost and scared-"

Barely even tapping his chest with her closes fist as she stood there crying. Buggy wrapped his arms around her shaking a little while doing so and holding her against his chest as she sobbed- something he had wanted to do since she had walked on his ship as she still weakly hitting his chest occasionally.

"I-I waited too Daddy" He heard her mummble against his chest between her sobs. And he shattered holding her somehow tighter.

"I'm sorry- I'm so sorry Y-You waited.. Im sorry"

He whispered, Pressing his face into the crown of her head as he cried feeling her little hits slow down as she now held onto his shirt and cried into him. Rocking the both of them side to side as the two sobbed into one another.

[zazaamaya]

Stardust

When I watched the 9th episode of the 6th season of the Dragon Prince, I cried.

Aaravos tears are mine. Aaravos tears are the one of any parent who lost a child.

Sonia died the 26th June of 2020. Three weeks earlier she asked to Aaron Ehasz on twitter "What about season4 ?"

Like her, many Dragon Prince fans have a lot of questions to the creators. They are building theories.

She loves fan fictions.

Some of them are on her website:

https://www.sonia-piotelat.vip/

She used to show me some extracts of the Dragon Prince asking my opinion about a fact or a character behaviour. That was her world. Not interfering in her fandom was important for me.

She created an amino dragon prince server with more than 1000 members. I had to announce her death and that was really hard.

I received some amazing advice from fans: put a dragon prince egg on her grave! I'm not an artist, but a friend of mine did it. The most important was: watch the Dragon Prince!

I would be grateful if there's a third arc of The Dragon Prince. This diary is a way to say "thank you" to all this young people who helped a bereaved mother. They deserve it!

[httpsyoungho]

when i first heard ‘what makes you beautiful’ for the first time all the way back in 2012, my 9-10 year old self was hooked. from that day on i was like a super fan of one direction. i remember getting ‘up all night’ for my birthday that same year, binge watching the video diaries they made during their x-factor days, watching anything and everything pertaining to those boys. i saved up allowance money to buy ‘take me home’, bought the unofficial books from book fairs at school, posters, shirts, drinking cups, etc. anything that had them on it, i was begging my mom to buy it. i remember getting our moment for christmas and it was the first real perfume that i’ve ever gotten. over the years, more and more memorabilia entered my little collection some of which i still own and hold near and dear to my heart today like those perfume bottles and my tickets to the ‘this is us’ movie. my bedroom had handmade art of liam and zayn’s tattoos, quotes they’ve said, lyrics, photos of the boys that i would use up all my mom’s printer ink to print, etc. i ran three separate fan accounts; one on instagram, one on tumblr and one on twitter. it was a full time job posting about them. i was a big niall and louis girl, my profile pics were always flower crown edits of them, my bios were either lyric quotes or just something they’ve said in interviews, etc.

i was never the girl that got to see them perform live but it was something that even as a little girl i wished for, every tour they announced, i wished that i’d win a radio contest, sweepstakes or just get tickets by some stroke of luck.

to say that the members of one direction meant and still mean so much to me is an understatement. i grew up with them, they sort of raised me. i remember crying when zayn left in 2015. i was unfortunately apart of that large bit of directioners that had twitter beef with naughty boy. i remember being there when it was announced louis was going to be a dad and the whole “conchobar” name incident. i remember exactly where i was when i read the hiatus news that eventually became a disbandment. the tears of shed for these 5 lads was insane.

so when i found out that liam had passed away i was and still am distraught. i never knew him personally, never met him, never had any interaction with the guy except when he replied to a question of mine on a tiktok live i believe it was. i have cried on and off for the past two days. it’s difficult to listen or even look at anything pertaining to one direction without feeling such an overwhelming amount of sadness. i’ve had old mutuals that have reactivated their fan accounts reach out and we’ve just cried about this together. i understand that the man he became wasn’t ideal and that he greatly needed help but he still meant so much to me and other people. he was bombarded with hate in the last moments of his life and i just wished he knew that he was loved and people will always have love for him.

i always thought this was something that i would have to think about until i was in my 60s. i never in my early twenties thought i’d ever hear about a member of one direction passing away.

i honestly hope that his family, friends and his son, bear, are doing okay during this time. loss is something that we don’t really expect or know how to process especially when it’s so sudden like this. everyone closest to him are definitely in my thoughts and prayers right now.

fly high, liam 🕊️

[zukazukazuka]

Serika Toa to Retire on April 27, 2025

Long reflective navel-gazing and emotional processing under the cut.

tl;dr: If I had a nickel for every time I inadvertently planned a trip during a Soragumi taidan, I'd have two nickels.

Second nickel hurts way worse.

Inevitably, living on the opposite side of the world means I usually wake up to messages about these things before I actually see them for myself. I remember waking up on July 7, 2017 to things like "wow...hope you like Soragumi!" when her transfer was announced. It feels oddly prophetic that that year we inadvertently planned our trip to catch Asaka Manato's taidan show as well as Kiki's last Grand Theater show with Hanagumi. I cried a lot on that trip, honestly.

Once you start to immerse yourself, it's easy to get attached to your first round of top stars. We'd gotten to see Maasama and Soragumi in Elisabeth the year before, and I was sad she was leaving. Hanagumi was our home troupe, and my favorite actress was transferring. Both shows were incredible, and to this day SANTE!! remains my favorite revue of all time. I think we saw it some ridiculous amount of eight times, back when it was possible to have the privilege of satisfying your brainrot by waiting outside the Tokyo Theater at 5 AM in hopes of getting same-day tickets. I remember the utter devastation of seeing that show from the 4th row, of getting arrowed with a Kukochihiko stare from the silver bridge during her duet with Mirio that made me squirm in my seat. I remember how loud the audience was on senshuuraku in Tokyo, it felt like we were at a rock concert rather than a Takarazuka show, and how satisfying that was, despite the tears.

It's hard to believe that was seven years ago, which feels both so close (literally to a degree, as you don't have to scroll very far down this blog to get my live reaction posts lol) and somehow yet so far away (thanks COVID).

Two months ago, we bought tickets to go back to Japan in January, our first trip since 2019.

This morning I woke up to messages again.

And now apparently I've stumbled yet again into a Soragumi taidan, "my" taidan, which of course I knew ultimately was on the nearer horizon since June 2023, but could never have guessed how fraught everything in between would become.

I can't help but feel exceptionally, heartbreakingly sad.

I fell in love with Kiki from the very first time I set foot in Quatre Reves and saw her photo as Rudolf in 2014. She has always been my favorite since that day, and by the time she goes it will have been effectively 10 and a half years. 10 years, nibante under two long-running top stars, through pandemic closures and changes, and effectively 1.5 GT shows as top. In truth, I'd always prepared myself for a short run. 3 shows would've been just enough to give her 'decent' time without really feeling like they were just shoveling her off after so long as #2, although I would've been cranky about it. 4 or 5 would have been an ideal sweet spot. At this point, I'm sure 3 was always the initial plan, and I hope that had been satisfying for her going into things.

It just extra fucking sucks now.

Today I can't help but feel regret for falling off as much as I did after her transfer. I was able to see her in both of those 2019 trips, thankfully at least once on stage, but the double whammy of Mirio leaving and COVID closures made it feel a lot hard to stay connected to Takarazuka in general - which is ironic, given that I will never, ever not find it surreal to watch a raku livestream on my fucking couch at 12 AM. But I didn't watch as many as I could have. One of my favorite things had always been seeing iride photos on twitter, and it made me feel like even if I couldn't be there, I could still "keep up" with what was happening day to day. Unfortunately (or rather fortunately, given this last year) I am famously too lazy to make a lot of effort to read things in Japanese, even if Takarazuka helped improve it for a time. I have limited space and desire to buy dozens of GRAPHs or other magazines for interviews. I moved on to other interests, but always kept one finger on the pulse of things. At one point, as things went on longer and longer, I thought so many times "hey girl, if you wanna pull a MiyaRuri and bounce without making top, I fully respect and support that, even if I won't get to see you one last time."

Well.

I don't have much I want to say here about what happened last year, except that I hope such a horrendous tragedy does ultimately lead to a lot of reform at the revue. Unlike apparently most everyone, I didn't go digging around the internet for names and 'what really' happened (see: lazy, also not my fucking business). I don't know, I don't want to know, and at this point frankly I don't really care about anyone's particular opinion about the people involved, or whatever outcome they think should have happened.

But we are where we are, now.

Last week, in my naive hope that after we got through Escalier's break with no taidan announcement, I was guessing that she might yet go later next year. I'd been reading the schedule wrong and complaining about the possibility of a late summer taidan, because Japan is fucking horrendous in summer, only to realize that it would've really been October, which would be ideal, although truthfully I'm not sure I could have swung a second trip in one year. I'd been sad about not getting to see her possible ohirome during my favorite time of year, since I couldn't swing a trip last year. In hindsight, I'm glad it turned out as "lucking" into actually seeing taidan rather than potentially have booking a trip last fall and "wasting" it, and that I no longer have to worry about whether or not I get to see it. But it still really fucking sucks.

Part of what helps offset the hurt of an actress retiring, especially your actress, especially a top star, is the celebration of all that's come before. Coming in as a fan in 2014, I saw all of the photos and videos of the last day festivities of Teru and Chie, which continued through all of the others that left in subsequent years. I felt devastated for the top stars who left during the height of pandemic closures, who couldn't have that, and for fans who couldn't get to see it. I'm not even sure what taidans look like these days, as I'm sorry to say a consequence of only trailing vaguely along on the hype train for the past several years is that I haven't seen any taidan shows or bothered with social media to know if they do even a semblance of those last day activities, even for the troupe. It makes me sad to think that maybe those sorts of things are perhaps long gone, just generally. Even if they aren't, though, I doubt we'd get any of that, anyway.

So in absence of that element or really any other joy, all I can really feel is bitterly sad.

In truth, I have a lot of complex feelings about her whole run, and have for many years, but those aren't things I care to lay out here. Suffice it to say, this whole situation feels like icing on that whole cake, I guess.

As I was writing all of this, I realized that just because of timing and that we usually prioritized seeing grand theater shows over small ones, the only time I will have seen Kiki live in a lead show will be her last one. I realize that compared to many people I'm privileged to go at all, let alone the number of times I've already done so in the past, but I'm still utterly heartbroken.

At the end of Escalier last weekend, I'd been so happy to see a semblance of her old self again. Her jokes, her smile, which has always felt like sunshine to me. I can't ever know her real feelings, but I hope that maybe there is some relief for her, knowing there's an end in sight. I hope that despite everything, she can find a satisfying life after the fact, that she'll still be able to perform, if she wishes. At the end of it all, I do feel thankful for the things we do have, the experiences I've had up to this point. My one tiny silver lining is that Sakura is (supposedly, maybe, fingers crossed) hanging around, hopefully for a while, because she's an incredible powerhouse and deserves the world. I'm grateful to her for being Kiki's partner and radiating love at her on stage, and terribly looking forward to seeing that in person.

Anyway, time to go cry some more, and eventually write a letter.

[kimbappykidding]

Other Parts: Part One, Part Two and Part Three. 

You were at home when a hurricane in the form of your members hit you. "Y/n!" Soojin cried bursting into your room and you jumped, dropping the book you were trying to read. "Jesus what?" you asked and you saw Minnie, Yuqi and Soyeon follow her so knew this must be serious. "What happened?" you asked "is Shuhua okay? Where's Miyeon?". "They're fine but you have to see this" Soojin said and passed you her phone.

You watched V's video and were stunned. "Why would he do this?" you asked "he could've ruined his whole career by announcing this". "Because he loves you" Minnie said. "If what he said is true, then he won't care if he's fired" Yuqi said and you blinked "he said that before but I never believed him". "You know I've never been his fan" Soyeon said "but I guess this is the first step towards proof". You stared at the phone "when was this?". "30 minute ago" Soojin said "the internet has gone insane! Their account is trying to take down the recordings but more and more keep popping up. You're trending on Twitter and people can't believe it but more things about V are coming up. Photos are resurfacing and people are believing your story, they're criticising the people who blamed you and they're siding with you" Yuqi said. You paused "I never wanted people to side with me. I just wanted them to...". "Believe you?" Minnie asked "they do now, V's done that at least".

You shook your head "shit, shit...I have no idea what this means". "How do you feel?" Soojin asked and you shook your head "that I...I want to see him. I want to hear what's going to happen to him and I don't know yell at him? Thank him? I just want to talk to him". Soyeon nodded "we thought you might say that and that's what Miyeon and Shuhua are working on". "What, how?" you asked and you heard a honking outside. You looked out the window to see Shuhua in her dad's car which had blackout windows so nobody would be able to see you and Miyeon was holding up a full body suit which would hide all of you. "Let's get you to V" Soojin said.

The girls were like secret agents or something it was insane. Soojin took her car which was a typical flashy idol car and drove past The BTS house, you figured V would be there instead of at his apartment. Soojin's car flying by made lots of paparazzi follow her and thinned the crowd. Then Yuqi and Shuhua helped you climb the fence and slip into the backyard. V had showed you how to do this years ago and you were pleased they never moved. Once there you headed to the house and managed to get to the door as security caught you. You were arguing with them around the back when the garage door opened.

"Y/n?" Jimin asked hearing your voice but you only had one thing to say. "Where is he? What going to happen to him?" you asked. "We caught her sneaking around" the security guard said and Jimin nodded "it's okay she's a friend, thanks though Carl" and the man left you with a nod.

Jimin led you into the house and to the living room where some of the guys were waiting. "Y/n? Are you okay?" Jhope asked and you nodded "is V?". "We don't know" Jin said "they didn't let him come home. RM and Suga have gone to see if they can help him at all". You sighed and shook your head "why did he do that? Why would he be stupid! He could've ruined his career, all his fans might abandon him, he could've wrecked everything". "But Y/n he doesn't care about any of that" Jimin admitted "he just wants you and hoped this would show you that" and you blinked "he really does?". "Yes" Jungkook, Jin and Jhope said at once and you stared at them all "I...I..." you stuttered when there was a loud clicking noise and the front door opened.

Jhope immediately pushed you back to shield you in case anyone management-related entered but he stepped back when he saw who it was. V was looking down but he must've sensed something because he looked up and his eyes went to you straight away. "Y/n" he said and RM and Suga both jumped spotting you.

"Y/n why are you here?" V asked coming to you "there's so many people outside it's not safe for you". "No you don't get to lecture me about safety, I'll ask the questions and do the lecturing here" you said and V nodded "okay, What do you want to know?". You didn't even know where to start and had a million questions before but now, could only think of one. "Did you mean it?" you asked "when you said you loved me?". V nodded "I meant every word but especially that. I love you so much it hurts Y/n and I promise I will never hurt you like I did again" and that was all you needed to hear to close the distance and take back your man.

V closed his eyes as you kissed him and held onto you tightly. He'd dreamt of this moment for months now and it was finally happening. He pulled you closer even though he kept the kiss soft. It was more that he wanted proof this was real than to progress it any further. He could've stayed kissing you forever but he felt something wet on his cheek and opened his eyes to realise you were crying.

"Why did you do that?" you asked when you separated "you're going to be in so much trouble and you've angered all your fans for what?". V was expecting this and he knew the answer. "For you" he said "and that's why it's worth it. I'd do it all again for you Y/n, I don't care what they do to me as long as everyone knows I was the villain and you're the angel I'm crazy for". "I'm not an angel" you argued but V brushed away your tears "yes you are and I hate anyone treating you as any less. I won't have anyone badmouth you Y/n and if I lose everything but gain you then I don't give a shit. You're all that matters to me" he said and now you were both crying.

The guys gave you both some privacy and you cried more before finally feeling more settled. "So what have they said to you?" you asked "how much trouble are you in?". V shrugged "I'm suspended but as I said I don't care. I have enough money to spoil you for a lifetime and all that matters is you're with me". You blushed "you don't need to spoil me, I'm happy with you too" and V's heart soared. "You have no idea how happy that makes me" he said and you smiled "good" and wrapped your arms around him in a hug. V held you to him and let out one of the biggest exhales he ever had.

Once the guys stopped hearing crying they hoped things were okay and they knew it was safe to come back into the room when they heard laughing. "Hey how is everyone?" Jhope asked walking in first and V smiled brightly "brilliant actually" making the guys chuckle. "RM explained what's happening" Jungkook said and V nodded "I'm on hiatus but I don't care" he said looking at you "I have means to support myself so they can fire me if they want. I am sorry for doing this to you all though" he said leaning forwards "I blind sighted you and it's going to put us in the news in a bad light because of me. I'm sorry for that". "Are you kidding?" Suga asked "we don't give a shit about that?". "You don't?" V asked and Jimin laughed "of course not! We're proud of you" and all the guys agreed. "This is the most we've seen you smile in...well years" RM said and Jimin nodded "properly smile that is, not the fake one". V laughed "well I'm happy! Probably way happier than I should be right now" but Jin shook his head "I think all things considered it makes sense and we should celebrate!" and Jungkook pulled a bottle of champagne out from behind his back and popped the cork. You and V jumped before laughing and happily accepted the glasses passed to you.

It turned into a mini party with the guys all celebrating you two getting back together. By the sounds of it, they deserved it too from suffering on behalf of V. He hadn't been the best and they were quote "just happy the real V was back now". So everyone let their hair down and things just felt right. You found yourself going around the room catching up with all the guys and everything you'd missed in the years' absence. You didn't realise how much you missed them and had forgotten how much they'd all cared for you. It felt nice to be back with them but when V couldn't cope with you being away from him anymore he tugged you back to his side and said he'd come with you if you wanted to move but he was now your shadow. You didn't mind that and happily stayed with him.

After that, there was no question of you going home so when things started rounding down you headed upstairs with V and when you were alone the atmosphere changed. "I can't believe you're here" V whispered "I never thought I'd get this again, to have you here to have you in front of me" he sighed. You smiled "well you're wasting it all the way over there" and V smiled "you're right, I didn't spend years dreaming of this to let you stand in the corner. Let me make it up to you". He outstretched his hand with a beautiful sexy smile and you took it.

Everything felt like the first time again and in many ways it was. Your second kiss in 5 years was sweet and heartfelt but quickly became passionate and heightened. There were so many emotions wrapped up in this reunion and you could tell V felt that too. As things progressed you felt a little nervous like you had during your first time with V all those years ago and despite his ample experience with this, V was nervous too.

He touched you hesitantly at first as if scared you might disappear. He kept gazing at you and checking you wanted him. Finally after telling him for the 5th time V started to believe you and you picked up enthusiasm. V couldn't stop saying your name and whispering how much he loved you and how he just wanted to make you feel so amazing. It was a whirlwind of physical, mental and emotional pleasure and you were both exhausted afterwards. V repeated everything he'd said to you as you lay in his arms to make sure you knew he meant it and you could feel his sincerity with each word.

V knew you couldn't sleep if you weren't in pyjamas so before he could drop off he rolled out of bed and started rummaging in his drawers. You watched him amused, wondering what he was doing when he cried "found it!" and turned around to show you. "No way! You kept it all this time?". It was your favourite shirt of his which you always used to sleep in. V had it as a trainee and had long since outgrown it so it quickly became yours. "Of course" he said "I could never bring myself to get rid of it, it was my keepsake of you" and you smiled. "I have some shorts you can have too" he said pulling them out of his other drawer and you laughed "have not borrow?". "I meant what I said about spoiling you Y/n, anything of mine you want you can have". "That's really sweet" you nodded "but the only thing I want to have is you, how about you put the pyjamas down and I can show you?" you asked. V's eyes lit up and he quickly threw them on a chair before coming obediently back to you.

A while later you were both thoroughly exhausted, in pyjamas and wrapped up together ready to sleep...but V was unsure. "I don't want to go to sleep" V mumbled sleepily and you leaned back to look at him "why?". "Because this will just be a dream" he said "it's too perfect not to be, what if I wake up and you're gone?" he asked. You could tell from his tone he was genuinely scared of that and gently caressed his face "it's okay, I'm not going anywhere. I'm back V" and he looked at you before nodding. "Okay" and he bundled you close to him, holding onto you tightly. "But I'm still going to stay awake for a while". "You don't have to" you told him "I love you too, I'm not going anywhere" and V stiffened. "You do?" he asked and you nodded "I didn't stop" and V pressed himself even closer to you. "You're my everything" he whispered and you nodded "you're mine too and you know I'd never lie to you, right?" you asked pulling away so you could look V in the eyes. He nodded and you smiled and gently pressed a kiss to his lips. "Now come here" and you opened your arms. V settled into your arms and rested against your chest. "Go to sleep" you said gently stroking his arms "you're safe" you told him and V nodded listening to your voice as he was lulled into sleep. "I'm home" he replied sleepily before he gave into his dreams which were now a reality.

You woke up the next morning to find V wrapped around you, literally. You must've turned away from him in the night and V's response was to throw himself around you in an extreme spoon with both his arms and one of his legs wrapped around you. You chuckled slightly at how snuggly V had a hold of you and moved his arms enough for you to spin around and settle against his chest. You nuzzled it slightly before laying against it with a sigh. You dozed for a while and then heard a sharp noise followed by a swear which jolted you awake. You blinked your eyes open and saw V watching you "did I wake you?" he asked and you just smiled. "No" you lied and reached up to kiss him. V happily kissed you back and made a whine when you pulled back. "That was a really good night" you commented and V nodded "the best one I've had in years" and you smiled. V pulled you back into his embrace and rubbed your shoulders "thank you Y/n, for giving me another chance, things will be different this time". "I know" you said "thank you for fighting for me" and V nodded "always".

It had been a long separation so after you'd both woke up and realised you were in bed together you wasted no time getting re-acquainted. However not long after you were disturbed by a voice very quickly calling your name. "Y/n? It's Jimin, I'm not going to come in don't worry but your phone's been ringing all morning so it's here outside the door" Jimin said and then you heard him rushing away. You both chuckled at the panicked footsteps and V stood up and retrieved it for you. You did have tons of missed calls and you called Soyeon figuring your leader was the best one to call.

She picked up immediately. "Y/n about time!" she said and you laughed "sorry I didn't have my phone with me". "Why? Aren't you with V?". "Yeah but I wasn't exactly keeping track of my phone". Your friend made a noise of agreement as she got it "that makes sense, you always said V was amazing in bed" and you jumped slightly but V had already heard it and was grinning like a Cheshire cat. "That's what you used to say about me?" he whispered pulling you onto his lap and you pushed him away, you couldn't focus on the phone if he was touching you. "Yeah so what's up?" you asked more curtly than you meant but Soyeon just laughed. "The managers want to see you today and are asking when you'll be in". "They want to see me?" you asked a little worried and Soyeon nodded "yeah but don't worry you're of course not in trouble. You didn't do anything! I'm guessing it's just a little damage control, they'll probably want to know how to proceed and what V's planning on doing next". You could guess what V was planning to do next by the looks he was giving you and how his hands kept crawling closer to you. You waited a long time for this and frankly didn't want to go into work when you had V waiting for you so you decided not to. "Can you tell them I'm sick and will be in tomorrow. I have plans for how I want to spend the day and they do not involve talking to some middle-aged men about my relationship". Soyeon laughed "of course, you can't be off for long though or they'll get impatient". You nodded "tell them I'll be in tomorrow, I'm just stressed about what happened yesterday, they should get that". "Yeah totally, enjoy your sex day!" she said loudly and hung up.

The phone screen went black and V smiled "so I've got you to myself all day? For what did Soyeon call it?". "You know damn well what she said now would you like to tease me about it verbally or physically?". "Both" he replied and yanked you back onto his lap. This time he got no resistance.

You and V didn't emerge from his room until noon and all the members gave his doorway a wide berth knowing exactly what was going on. But you had to stop sometime and while V got some food you went to go shower. You returned feeling refreshed and happy. V took you downstairs where he'd cooked you breakfast and waited until you'd finished eating to get into business.

"So I called my lawyer while you were in the shower and he said your company can't force you to reveal anything about us. You can keep it all a secret if you want to. You don't have to say anything so don't feel forced to". You paused "I...you rang them to check?". V nodded "I want you to be protected in case your company tries any funny business, I can get one of them to come with you tomorrow if you want?". You shook your head "It's okay, I'm sure they just want to talk but thank you" you said coming to sit beside him. "I meant what I said Y/n, things are going to be different this time and I will be your biggest defender. Nobody is hurting you while I'm here". You smiled "well it goes both ways, I'll always fight for you too. I know things have been hard and they won't change overnight but I'll be here for you V. We can work together" and he stared at you before nodding. He'd forgotten what it was like to have someone he loved look at him like that. Not with worry or concern but with faith and confidence. You trusted him to turn things around and V loved you even more than he already did for that.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise but everyone knew you and V were back together. Every idol in the industry had seen that confession and rightly assumed after something so bold, you would give him a second chance. What was strange though was how it made people act towards you.

Overnight you became more powerful in their eyes. Your company suddenly got a lot of calls from people wanting G(I)-dle on their show and trying to book you for things. Then there were the other idols. At the first award show you went to, you could feel everyones' eyes on you and not in a bad way. "You'd think I won a gold medal at the Olympics or something, not got back together with my boyfriend" you commented to Yuqi who laughed. "The way they see it, you've jumped up the pecking order" Soyeon explained "they think V's made you more relevant". You smiled "well that's good...it tells me exactly the type of people to avoid" you said smiling at some girls waving to you whom you'd never spoken to before "it's a great way to weed out the snakes".

It occurred to you that this must've been kind of what it was like for V. To have people stare at him differently and suddenly clamour for his attention all those years ago when BTS got big. It didn't excuse what happened but you got a little more why it led V down a dark road. If that'd been you 5 years ago when you were just a kid, maybe you would've fallen for it too?

You didn't realise getting back with V would be so different to last time but quickly realised it was a pretty big deal because you were dating a completely different V. A week after you'd gotten back together V shared his schedule with you for the rest of this year when his hiatus ended, next year and even the one after that. He said he wanted to prioritise you and give you the first pick at any free time he had. There were huge chunks of time on his schedule pencilled out because V had tours or ceremonies or other big events planned even 2 years into the future. It was a little daunting at first seeing your life planned out but then you calmed yourself. It was just any other idol life and you shared your schedule too and got to planning.

You worked out you could both spend Christmas together, a whole week or so and then there were chunks in March, June and September where you'd be able to get away together the following year. Plus V had his 6-month hiatus and you'd agreed to move him to your apartment. He couldn't leave the house much because the media was all over him but you weren't as big news after a few months and had to leave for work. So V stayed at yours and only left when necessary at first. As things died down he got more freedom and could actually leave your apartment but he didn't hate it either way. He got to see you every day and he loved it.

V also low-key loved the domestic side it brought out in him. He really enjoyed cooking for you, preparing breakfast for you, making you lunches and serving dinner. It made him feel important and he meant his promise about spoiling you and food was a great way to do that. He bought a cookbook and everything and got all happy hearing you praise his cooking. He loved taking care of you so made sure the apartment was always clean, bought your flowers weekly, handled any errands or repairs you needed and felt like a house husband. He loved it and you noticed.

You got home from work one day to smell something amazing. "What is that smell?" you called and heard a laugh come from the kitchen. You followed it and found V smiling "surprise! I made Minnie's dish for you!". "Omg what?" you asked "but that's insane even I can't make it!". You adored Thai food and there was one dish in particular she made that took a ton of effort but was divine and that was what V had made for you. "How did you get the recipe and all the ingredients?" you asked. "I emailed Minnie for the recipe and the ingredients weren't too bad. Only took me 3 attempts". "You went to 3 different stores all to make me food?" you asked in awe and V smiled "yeah I thought you'd like it, do you?". "I love it!" you cried "you're amazing" before smiling "did you buy yourself an apron?" noticing what V was wearing. He nodded "yes all chiefs need one, do you like it?" he asked twirling. You smiled "yeah it looks great on you, thank you" you said kissing him softly and V smiled "wait until you see what's for dessert". You paused "I can't tell if you mean sex or actual food". V laughed "I meant food but I'm more than happy for dessert after dessert, now you go get changed, get in something comfy and I'll get everything dished up. I've got your favourite cold beverage chilling for you too". You shook your head "I feel like a husband from the 70s" and V laughed. "You know you don't have to do all this for me right?" you asked feeling bad having V spoil you so much but your boyfriend just shook his head. "I know but I want to and I love it" he said "and I quite like the idea of being your house husband" he smirked "just sitting at home waiting for you to come home to me after being a big successful power woman" he said getting more and more into this fantasy as he spoke. You laughed "I had no idea you were so attracted to power, are you after my money you gold digger?" you joked. V smiled "you don't have to pay me, I'm yours" and you smiled "no don't worry I can figure out ways to make it worth your while". V paused "do you need help freshening up?" and you smiled "yes please" and took his hand leading him into the bedroom.

Your new favourite thing was to wake up and hear V singing to himself in the kitchen as he made breakfast or to wake up in the night after a bad dream and have his mere presence make you calm. V made you happy and you knew you'd be able to get through the time apart for moments like this. And as V's hiatus drew to an end you both got ready for the change.

As the time for V to go back to work approached, you could tell he was nervous and hesitant to jump back in. He honestly didn't need to be an idol anymore. He had a lot of money and could easily get work as a model or host or anything really, especially with your pooling your incomes but you knew he loved being an idol and being on stage with his members. He just needed reminding of that, so you invited the guys all around to spend time with him.

V had seen the members fleetingly but not all at once since this had happened. He said he didn't want to distract them or bother them but you thought it more likely he was nervous. He worried they wouldn't forgive him for damaging their name or wouldn't need him, that they'd be better off without him. He didn't verbalise any of this though but you knew how he thought and could tell he was nervous to approach them. You tried encouraging him verbally but figured the best way to show him his friends loved him, was to have them tell him themselves.

V had done so much for you that when you got a few days of work you asked Jimin to take him out and do something nice together while you got the place ready. The guys came early, armed with food and drink and helped you set up in minutes. V wasn't expecting anything but when he walked through the door and saw his members holding "welcome back" banners it hit him. His members wanted him. He was a little tearful but it was happy tears and all the guys rushed to express how much they'd missed him and couldn't wait to have him back. When V found his way to you he almost cried again. "Thank you" he said softly and you smiled hugging him "you don't need to thank me, I wanted to show you how much your members love you and tell you it's okay. You've taken such good care of me these past few months and I trust you. It's okay for you to go back to work, it's not selfish to pursue what you love and I'll be here loving you every step of the way". "You're fucking amazing you know that?" V asked kissing you messily and you laughed as he pressed his lips anywhere he could. "Yes and so are you" you said giving him a slower more deliberate kiss. "Now come on, I didn't invite this many guys into my clean apartment to sit in the kitchen snogging you, let's go celebrate your return!".

After that V's worries didn't vanish but his biggest one, that the boys wouldn't want him was gone and that made the world of difference. You wanted V to have the perfect first day so made some plans. You weren't as skilled as V at the domestic crap and were quite proud of it but for V, you'd really tried. You woke up early to prepare V his favourite breakfast, even getting Minnie to bring you fresh ingredients and low-key help you make it because it was hard. Then you got all the stuff to make him a barista-level coffee and got some nice snacks and drinks for him while at work. You got all his clothes ready so he wouldn't have to worry and his favourite fluffy towel waiting by the shower. You did all this before V woke up and snook back into bed to surprise him. Minutes before his alarm went off you gently woke him up by wiggling into his arms and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "It's nearly time to get up" you whispered and V stirred before his arms tightened around you "and you knew I'd want a cuddle with you before huh?" he asked "you're the best girlfriend" he said moving you onto his chest fully and you smiled. You wanted so desperately to tease him about what you'd planned but managed not to and it was so worth it seeing V walk around the apartment and get more and more excited at the things you'd done for him. When you dropped him off for work he was in a great mood and you felt so proud to see him smiling so brightly.

"So I'll meet you here at 6 but if you want to go out with the guys or anything that's totally fine" you told him and V nodded "okay!" but you saw him hesitate. "Hey, you're going to be amazing" you told him "you were born to do this and finally you're back. I know you can do this and I love you so much". V smiled, he always smiled when you said you loved him and you'd purposefully not said it for a few days purely for this moment. V's shoulders relaxed and he took your hand "I love you too" and he leaned forward to kiss you. You made sure to make it a good one and when you pulled back stayed close to him "knock them dead" you said and he grinned.

In that moment you knew without a doubt both your futures were going to be bright and you were going to succeed together because nothing in the world could stop you.

[spudgoddess]

Back in 2020, I discovered a YouTube channel by a guy calling himself Mitten Squad. He did all kinds of crazy gaming challenges. Most of them were for Fallout or Elder Scrolls games. What they all had in common was that they were hilarious. Mitten Squad, or Paul as he also went by (his real name was Robert Joseph Wilson), had a dark, dry, deadpan sense of humor sprinkled with a bit of self-deprecation and a little silliness. I watched his videos constantly. 

Some of my favorite lines include: “I hid from Ringo, by hiding in Ringo.” (Can You Beat Fallout New Vegas with only Boxing Gloves?)

"You're probably wondering which is the boy and which is the girl. I won't give it away, but I will tell you this: the knife is a whore." (Can You Beat Skyrim With Only A Fork?)

“I spy, with my little eye, a vile whore, who needs to die.” (Context: he’s referring to an elderly woman NPC whose very presence always seemed to crash his Fallout 3 playthroughs).

“Explosions were happening. People named Paul were screaming. It was a mess.” (Can You Beat Lonesome Road Without Taking Any Damage?)

"With enough notches on my pistol to spell psychopath in Braille…” (Can You Beat Fallout New Vegas With Only Big Iron?)

“And when I say there were a lot of ants, I mean a lot.of ants. I wouldn't have said a lot of ants if I didn't mean a lot of ants.” (Can You Beat Fallout New Vegas with only Boxing Gloves?)

“You can get a two for one special on Raiders by using the code GRENADE at checkout." (I can never recall the episode, I just remember that it’s Fallout 3.)

“I know a guy who knows a guy, and both of those guys are me.” (Not sure which episode. Also, obligatory Transformers reference, this sounds like something Swindle would say XD).

There are so, so many more. But you get the idea.

There were signs early on that all was not well in Mittenland. He showed a brief clip of arguing with an air conditioner in a hotel room while drunk. Another time, he showed the aftermath of accidentally dropping a liquor bottle into his bathroom sink, breaking the sink. On another occasion, he displayed about 15, maybe 20 or so empty liquor bottles.

I remember thinking maybe he was being edgy, or maybe he’d saved those bottles up over a very long time. But I was wrong.

In 2021, he let his fans know that he was taking a break for several months to work on his issues surrounding alcohol. He’d been struggling for at least nine months, getting blackout drunk 3-4 times a week. Yes, a week. Like so many others, I realized he wasn’t joking, but really had a serious issue with his drinking. He was away for several months, and he seemed like he was getting or doing better. I didn’t follow his Twitter, nor was I on his Discord channel, so I was a little out of the loop. Quite some time later, I saw on the fan subreddit that Paul had been hospitalized for alcohol -related issues, and this was not the first time for him, either. He assured us he was getting better and wasn’t going to stop fighting.

Paul lost his battle with alcoholism in December of 2023. The official cause of death was pancreatitis related to his illness. He was 27.

I was working when I found out. I was on break, decided to look at Reddit, and the announcement  had been made. Since the internet is often full of said hoaxes, I stubbornly refused to believe it at first. But Paul’s dad confirmed it. I cried for the rest of the day.

Please, everyone, at the risk of sounding like a cliche or a commercial, if you or someone you love is struggling with any kind of mental health issue, including substance abuse, please, please get help.Even if you think to yourself ‘Oh it’s not that bad, I just like to have fun and drink a little too much.’ Please get help.

I struggle with mental health issues (C-PTSD, rejection sensitivity, and possible BPD–jury still out on that one, as ADHD can mimic it in some ways and I haven’t been tested yet) and I know the misery they can cause. Thankfully, I have a strong support system, and I know Paul did too. I like to think that if the pancreatitis hadn’t done him in, he’d have won the fight.

Rest in peace, Paul.

We love you.

[newmusickarl]

Top 50 Albums of 2023: #30-21

30. Everything Is Alive by Slowdive

I’ll be the first to admit that despite the heavy praise from the amazing Music Twitter community (I’m not calling it X, sorry Elon), before this year I had never completely bought into the Slowdive hype. Although I enjoy their 2017 self-titled comeback record, I had never taken to the shoegaze legends in the same way that I know a lot of my fellow music fans do. But I’m pleased to say with Everything Is Alive, I’ve been well and truly won over.

Their first album in six years, singles like kisses, skin in the game and the slab spiral into fascinating sonic territory and make you want to stay locked there forever. It was an album that completely blew me away on first listen, offering a completely immersive audio experience. One of those records where you just want to stick your headphones on and get lost in all these interesting textures being strung together.

Outside of the singles, shanty and chained to a cloud deliver mesmerising synths, big walls of guitars and the ghostly vocals of Rachel Goswell and Neil Halstead. Alife (or Alfie as I’ve been frequently calling it!) is another standout, whilst Andalucia Plays is just hauntingly melancholic. So not just one of the year’s best records, but a record that proves why I continue to trust Music Twitter’s recommendations - they never seem to steer me wrong.

Best tracks: alife, kisses, the slab

Listen here

29. This Is Why by Paramore

When immensely popular American rockers Paramore announced Bloc Party were the primary influence for their sixth studio album, This Is Why, my interest was naturally piqued. Where Silent Alarm offered a vital soundtrack for the post-9/11 youth back in the mid-00s, Paramore have now done the same for an apathetic generation of kids dealing with COVID lockdowns and ever-growing social and political divide. And whilst it isn’t quite Silent Alarm, this is unquestionably a brilliant indie rock record.

Firstly, the opening title track remains one of my favourite tracks of the last twelve months. With all the catchy, stuttering chords of prime Foals, along with some ever-impressive vocal acrobatics from enigmatic frontwoman Hayley Williams, the mid-song breakdown that ends with Williams’ cries of “I’m floating like a cannonball” is so gloriously cathartic, you can’t help but get won over. Big Man, Little Dignity is another strong favourite, which sees the trio take shots at powerful men not held to account for their deplorable actions (“smooth operator in a shit-stained suit”). Liar, arguably the album’s most subdued moment, is similarly awe-inspiring too thanks to some twinkly guitars and Williams’ graceful falsetto vocals. 

At a concise 36 minutes there’s not a second spared, as the band channel their message through the sounds from indie rock’s past, breathing fresh new life into the scene and helping it to resonate with a newer, younger mainstream audience. So, if you are sat there wondering why Paramore are one of the biggest rock bands in the world right now – This Is Why.

Best tracks: This Is Why, Liar, Big Man Little Dignity

Listen here

28. Blondshell by Blondshell

An incredible self-titled debut that has lit me up in the last year is this amazing record from LA-based rockstar-in-the-making, Sabrina Teitelbaum – AKA Blondshell. Hugely accomplished for her first outing, it’s a sharp 32-minute listen packed with big choruses and some truly epic guitar work. Here’s what 5-9 editor Andrew Belt had to say in his brilliant review earlier this year which sums it perfectly:

“The nine tracks on her debut album capture uncomplicated rock tracks which could have been recorded live. Uncomplicated does not mean not compelling, however. Fusing influences from the likes of Nirvana, The Cranberries and Anna Burch, Teitelbaum wears her heart on her sleeve as she chronicles a difficult couple of years which spawned Blondshell. The self-titled record bursts to life with ‘Veronica Mars’ – a two-minute, verse/chorus/guitar solo blast with the TV show referred to in the title causing Teitelbaum to reflect on its impact on her when watching at an early age. Singing ‘Logan’s a dick, I’m learning that’s hot’, Teitelbaum laments the mixed messaging the show could provide to young minds, with the rock track melting away at the end via a red-hot unhinged, high-pitched guitar solo. The sound throughout is cohesive with Yves Tumor-producer, Yves Rothman, teasing out something quite impressive from Teitelbaum as Blondshell. Confessional, edgy, compelling, Blondshell is an accomplished offering belying its debut album status.”

Best tracks: Salad, Sepsis, Dangerous

Read Andrew Belt’s full review on 5-9 here

Listen here

27. Dream Big by Soda Blonde

Back in 2021, Irish indie-pop outfit Soda Blonde emerged out of the ashes of the excellent Little Green Cars, with the four remaining members of that band releasing their debut album under the new Soda Blonde guise. That Soda Blonde debut, titled Small Talk, would finish in my Top 30 Albums of 2021 and even receive a nomination for the Irish Choice Prize (the Irish equivalent of the Mercury Prize). Now with this sophomore outing, they have made the Top 30 again.

Full of confidence, Soda Blonde are sounding more assured in their new skin, with Dream Big presenting a stunning collection of songs full of breathtaking musical variety and killer hooks. The opening run of Midnight Show, Bad Machine, Boys and the title track is particularly mesmerising, as the band guide you through glorious arrangements full of strings, rhythmic guitars and clusters of memorable moments. In the back half, My First Name sees frontwoman Faye O’Rourke’s majestic vocals stand out amongst a magnificent collage of strings, bluesy guitars and stomping drums for one of the record’s biggest highlights. 

This is a phenomenal record from start to finish and if you haven’t heard of Soda Blonde before, now is the time to get yourself acquainted.

Best tracks: My First Name, Boys, Going Out

Listen here

26. When Will We Land? By Barry Can’t Swim

If you’ve listened to the October episode of the 5-9 Album of the Month podcast, you know this debut from rising electronic superstar Barry Can’t Swim was one of my standout records in what was a month full of incredible new music. Taking elements from all my favourite electronic releases of recent years, Barry crafts a vibrant collage that binds together cohesively for an essential and astonishing listening experience. Describing this album better than I ever could, here is what friend of the blog Kiley Larsen had to say in his review for Check This Out:

“When Will We Land? is everything you want from an electronic album and more. It may pull from all of Barry Can’t Swim’s influences and serve them in eleven distinct ways, but Mannie’s vision is clear and never wanders from the bigger picture. While the record should be taken in as a whole when possible, each song is so distinct and fully executed that each is tailor-made for playlists (or mixtapes, if you’re keeping them alive). ….When Will We Land? finds Barry Can’t Swim doing what he’s done best over the past few years by harnessing the energy of that big night out while colouring it with organic instrumentation and a much-needed reminder of the universality of the human experience. For music writers, the year is full of anticipated albums. Sometimes, they match the internal hype, while often, they fall short. When Will We Land? was unquestionably at the top of my list, defying expectations and more. Barry Can’t Swim proved a true talent with his EPs, but this debut album is a colossal next step. Even if you’re not typically into electronic music, this is still worth diving into, as there are few albums this year that successfully convey a complete vision with what should be universal appeal.”

Best tracks: Sunsleeper, Woman, I Won’t Let You Down

Read Kiley’s full review on Check This Out here

Listen here

25. Did You Know That There’s A Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd by Lana Del Rey

A woman who needs no introduction at this point, one of the most hotly anticipated releases of the year was Lana Del Rey’s eighth studio album released back in March – Did you know that there’s a tunnel under Ocean Blvd (which we can all agree is a peak Lana type of album title).

Having delivered her undisputed magnum opus Norman Fucking Rockwell (NFR) back in 2019, Miss Lizzy Grant has not rested on her laurels since, quickly following up with two more albums in 2021 – Chemtrails Over The Country Club and Blue Banisters. Whilst both records had their moments, the former more so, neither quite came close enough to the theatre, majesty and sheer perfection of NFR. However now back with her fourth album in as many years, Lana once again hit some career best highs.

Opener The Grants welcomes the listener with some gorgeous gospel vocal harmonies, before Lana herself takes over with her inimitable vocals, exquisitely sharing memories of her family. The title track is then even better and already one of my favourite Lana tracks, with its stirring strings, anguished vocals and heartbreaking lyrics of self-loathing (“Open me up, tell me you like me, Fuck me to death, love me until I love myself”). As Lana is joined by a choir for the swelling “Don’t Forget Me” refrain in the song’s outro, you’d have to be cold hearted to not be greatly moved.

An album that is definitely in the top half of her discography, and the first half of this record in particular is as good as anything she has ever done. I also admire the work ethic and frequency at which Lana is delivering new music and I’m not going to complain too much about having a mountain of music from her over the last few years. The fact she’s been so productive and still served up some of the very best work of her career, really it can only be admired.

Best tracks: Did You Know That There’s A Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd, A&W, The Grants

Listen here

24. Javelin by Sufjan Stevens

Another of the year’s biggest releases came in early October - the tenth studio album from highly acclaimed singer-songwriter, Sufjan Stevens. In the days following its release, Sufjan dedicated Javelin to his “beloved partner and best friend Evans Richardson” who sadly died in April of this year. With that added context, it made an album that already felt emotionally shattering hit that much harder.

From the moment the cymbals crash and the synths reverberate around Sufjan’s cries of “You know I love you” on opener Goodbye Evergreen, you know you are in for something quite special yet also heartbreaking. Over the next run of tracks Sufjan continues to astound with his unceremonious yet majestic songcraft, as the uplifting instrumentation twinkles around Sufjan’s devastating penmanship on tracks like A Running Start, Genuflecting Ghost and Will Anybody Ever Love Me?

However as great as the first half is, it is the back stretch that left my jaw firmly on the floor. My Red Little Fox is a heartfelt, flute-laden hymnal whilst lead single So You Are Tired is a brutally beautiful, piano-led, string-drenched lament. Shit Talk is then without a doubt one of the songs of the year, a near 9-minute masterpiece centred around a strikingly simple assembly of raw acoustic instrumentation, resonant human emotions, gorgeous choral harmonies and refrains of “I will always love you…I don’t wanna fight at all.” Utterly breathtaking in every single way.

Best tracks: Shit Talk, So You Are Tired, Will Anybody Ever Love Me?

Listen here

23. Struggler by Genesis Owusu

When it comes to an album, two things I tend to look for more than any other - an eclectic mix of sounds and a strong thematic concept to hold it all together. Very few artists achieve both elements these days, but when you do find an album like that, it’s like finding the musical equivalent of the holy grail. Enter Struggler from Ghanian-Australian artist Genesis Owusu, which made history back in August by becoming the first album to gain the coveted maximum 15 points on the 5-9 Album of the Month podcast.

Struggler is an album that takes you on a journey, both through the lyrics and sonically too. At the heart of it, you’ve got a narrative arc that tells the story of “The Roach vs The Old Man”, a conflict which acts as a metaphor for humanity vs uncontrollable higher powers, both natural and political. Then musically, this record has a little bit of everything - punk rock, hip-hop, funk, soul, all wonderfully blended together to forge a vibrant mesh of sounds.

In terms of favourite tracks, Leaving The Light and The Roach are both propelled by these great synth lines that bounce off thrashes of guitars. Tied Up is then possibly one of the catchiest songs of the year, a track which sucks you into its groove and refuses to let you leave. Stuck To The Fan closes the record perfectly too, offering a really sombre, bluesy send off.

More carefully curated and refined than his debut outing, Genesis Owusu proved himself to be a very special talent to me in 2023, delivering a record that works as a collective whole but doesn’t stay in a single lane either.

Best tracks: The Roach, Tied Up, Stuck To The Fan

Listen here

22. ROACH by Miya Folick

It seems there was something with Roaches in 2023 as we had another incredible album artistically indebted to those pesky insects. This year, American singer-songwriter Miya Folick made the difficult second album look easy with this hugely impressive record, titled ROACH.

Essentially an extension of her previously released 2007 EP, ROACH further builds out the narrative with a deeper dive into her relationship with God, her mother and her own self-esteem. Featuring some of the best songs of her young career, highlights include the hedonistic indie-pop of Bad Thing, brutal break-up anthem Get Out of My House and the tussle with adulthood on the falsetto-kissed 2007.

That said, make sure you stick around for the second half of the album as that’s where Miya Folick’s exceptional songwriting really starts to shine for me. Tetherball is a real stop-you-in-your-tracks moment, with some wonderful ambient electronics backing Folick’s soft vocals to create a gorgeous sound reminiscent of Natasha Khan of Bats For Lashes. These synths then shift into the uplifting pop of So Clear, before Shortstop offers an utterly stunning piano-led finale that you’ll just want to hear again and again.

A fantastic second album that has been on repeat ever since it dropped in the first half of the year.

Best tracks: Tetherball, Shortstop, Get Out Of My House

Listen here

21. PRAYERS & PARANOIA by SIPHO

Just missing out on the Top 20 then, we arrive at an outstanding debut album that I may have missed altogether if it wasn’t for friend of the blog, Andrew Belt. The 5-9 Album of the Month podcast has been my musical highlight of 2023, introducing me to a ton of great new music this year. So I just want to take a moment to give kudos to both Andrew and Kiley for steering me in the right direction over the last 12 months with their fantastic taste in music – cheers lads!

Now Birmingham-based R&B star SIPHO was Andrew’s pick for the podcast back in October and it turned out to be a mightily ambitious first outing that stormed to victory in our most tightly contested Album of the Month battle yet.

With each track anchored by his incredibly powerful vocals, SIPHO remains the star of the show amdist a gorgeous sonic world built on funk, soul, R&B and even a bit of rock on tracks like GLUE. Much like the Genesis record, it is an album that takes an eclectic listening experience and majestically morphs it into a cohesive single piece of work. Listening front-to-back, every song segues seamlessly into the next one, with the track list so intricately stitched together its quite astounding. For SIPHO to craft a record as accomplished as this at the first time of asking is even more remarkable.

The songs have a timelessness quality too, Elevation pulls you in straight away whilst Chemicals boasts spacey synths, bluesy guitars and SIPHO’s incredible falsetto. However it’s all about the final stretch of songs starting with Run For Your Life, which sees just SIPHO and Shae Universe’s voices take centre stage over a minimal piano backing for a track that is just hauntingly beautiful and goosebump-inducing.

An album that I went in to with no real expectations, there was few records that managed to blow me away in 2023 quite like Prayers & Paranoia.

Best tracks: Run For Your Life, Glue, Prayers

Listen here

This weekend, we enter the final Top 20 of the countdown!

[brettesims]

Moh Bright And Destined = Mohbad

We lost such a light; RIP Mohbad, Imole. A Gemini JUST like Tupac. Imole in Yoruba means “Light.” UGH I have been so sad about the passing of this literal ray of sunshine. He brought so much joy and light to my life during one of my darkest times. I played his song 'Peace' on repeat as a mantra. I feel like "they", the powers that be, the industry is really trying to snuff out the light. They are silencing movers, shakers, knowers, thinkers, the ultra light beams... THE ARTISTS.

While alive he voiced that he was bullied. He alleged that his life was under threat and sought police protection from many people. He was attacked and assaulted by many until the instruction of former record label owner, Naira Marley (who grew up in London). His fans burned down the home of Naira Marley right after his passing. The record label that attacked him is actually a drug gang called the "Marlians" with Government mob ties in Nigeria AND the UK. Mohbad cried out for help but no real changes were made until after his death.

Weeks after his death evidence has been pouring out on the internet thanks to the hashtag #JusticeforMohbad. Videos were shared. He was taken to the hospital and given an injection by a nurse. He instantly fell unconscious but they claimed he was dead. They instantly announced his death worldwide. As it turns out he was not dead, however his family & frenemies (in collusion) with the Government arranged his burial on land he bought for THEM. They rushed and buried him ALIVE so no one finger could be pointed at anyone. Mind you, they buried him worse than a dog with his neck bent in a coffin he was too tall for. This was torture and a group assassination. His biological mother was the only one not in on it.

He was so strong and survived underground for a long time before eventually passing away. They only exhumed (brought up) his body once enough time had passed that they knew he was dead. Now they are doing an autopsy on his body and the Government has taken weeks (so far) for this process. I think they are testing why the many injections they forced him to take prior to his death did not kill him. He still has not had a proper burial. This followers are just waiting in anticipation for what will come next.

Mohbad started speaking out against the Gov. in 2020. He was against police brutality. He believed in the power of the people. Let’s be clear that this man was a freedom fighter & a pacifist. As tragic as the loss has been it’s been equally awe inspiring seeing his spark of light ignite the world, just as he envisioned it would.

The craziest thing about Mohbad's death is that being the genius Gemini artist that he was he left us a road map up evidence; in the form of art but also receipts and legal filings. Everything is on his Twitter or "X" account @iammohbad_ and it's well organized. He intended for the songs to come out after death because his life was too under threat. Just as Tupac he spoke of his own death. There is really no way his oppressors can lie their way out of this one - although they will try their hardest.

If anyone thinks it's an accident or coincidence that a young black male artist whose #1 single was "Peace" and last album was titled: "Blessed" was killed... you're mistaken. To me he's now the African Tupac; he had the same faith with similar complications after he chose to leave a record label. He was a purist of strong faith, like Pac who would not abide by their unhealthy lifestyle and they dragged him to the grave for it. You see, it’s deeper than just a senseless brutal death - because it was spiritual warfare with a touch of malicious jealousy. Jealousy seems to be the real pandemic right now.

When you shine too brightly so many aim to dim that light and to drag it into the mud. But the sun always rises in the morning and Mohbad's light and legacy will now beam even brighter as the entire WORLD stands up and comes together for his justice.

Why is it important as an American to note happenings in Nigeria > Ghana > India etc. ? Because all these locations were also originally colonized by the British and are all on a similar timeline of late stage capitalism. Unity IS community... internationally. Late stage #capitalism is a breeding ground for jealousy & hatred of those who can get it on their own - who can get money outside of the system and who do what we love. This was done as a message. This is disrespectful to EVERY single #artist no matter the background around the WORLD.

They don’t want us to have joy. They don’t want us to have peace. They don’t want us to find community. Without those elements present Capitalism thrives!

But I am thankful I found his music at the time I did! Music is healing and transformative. Thank you Mohbad for the love, light and legacy you left behind. Your sunshine didn't go in vein. You will always bring joy to my life!

~ B

[ruminate88]

The Lingering Echo of Unrequited Love and the Search for Validation

4/10/25 I guess I have to acknowledge this…

An Unavoidable Past and the Pain of Invalidation

There's a part of my past I've tried to dismiss for the last three years, largely due to the defensiveness and lack of understanding I've encountered from others. It's also a part of my history that inexplicably hurts those closest to me, despite me being the most affected. I've hesitated to speak about this, but seeing this person resurface on TikTok has brought it all back. Though I've forgiven him, I desperately want to escape the constant reminders of him, yet I can't. He feels omnipresent, not just online; even his initials are on my license plate. The way there is always signs that show up in my life pointing to him, while it could all be coincidental, feels like I can never forget him and it angers me. I want to have never known him but why? Why such strong negative feelings after I adored him my entire teenage years ???

A Teenage Dream and the Crushing Reality

His name is Jesse. I became a devoted fan at just 14 and fell intensely in love after meeting him at a meet-and-greet at 16. I was his biggest supporter, writing him birthday and Christmas letters every year and composing over 1000 love songs. I even personally handed him a CD of these songs when I was 20, telling him they were for him. Over numerous in-person meetings and brief interactions, including a few tweets and him noticing me in a contest, a lot transpired between us in my mind. However, I was consistently made to feel delusional by family for believing my feelings were real, simply because I was "just a fan." It felt like no one validated my experiences, or so I initially thought. I had a Twitter account from 2009 dedicated to him, boasting over 900 followers, primarily fellow fans with whom I felt a strong sense of community.

Scandal, Rejection, and the Isolation of Online Support

A traumatic incident involving the exposure of my private photos led to a decline in my followers. (That’s a separate story) Then months later October 23rd, 2012, Jesse tweeted me a bizarre and sexually suggestive message, causing fans to believe we were having an affair, an incredibly embarrassing situation that Jesse never addressed or defended me against. Adding insult to injury, three months later, he visited my state and posted a picture at the airport on Twitter, a rare update that felt like a pointed exclusion, as he never reached out. Feeling foolish and unsupported, I spiraled into depression, yet my online community dismissed my cries for help as attention-seeking.

The Bitter End and Lingering Confusion

When Jesse publicly announced a new girlfriend after Christmas in 2013, it felt like a final, painful confirmation that my feelings were unrequited, leading to a rock-bottom moment and a public suicide note. Ironically, while no one seemed to care about my distress, the moment I declared I was no longer a fan, I was met with an outpouring of messages from followers questioning my loyalty and urging me to "fight" for him. I was done. Tired of loving someone who didn't reciprocate and embarrassed by his last tweet, I was angry and wanted to erase him from my life. My family also dismissed my feelings as irrational.

The Lasting Impact and Assertion of Reality

Eventually, Jesse married this other woman and seems to be starting a family with her now and I’m trying to be happy for him because I believe he’ll be an amazing father. The intensity of my past love and subsequent resentment towards him is confusing, making me question my sanity and my perception of reality, especially considering how much I sought his approval during my formative years. I even believe this experience contributed to my pattern of dating toxic men, internalizing the idea that I deserved unrequited love. My past love songs, all about Jesse, now seem meaningless and embarrassing. It felt like my deep investment in him and his career was all a lie, leaving me feeling profoundly broken. But I am not crazy; my feelings were real, even if the relationship I envisioned wasn't. When I do try to talk about this experience, people get highly defensive including my husband. Jesse and I never spent time outside of the meet n greets or the occasional tweets but yet why do people get so defensive of it all??? My husband questioned if I still love Jesse and if I’m even talking to him secretly when all I’ve been trying to do is process the past. ❤️‍🩹 Why is it so intense for me??? Why when I see Jesse pop up on TikTok do I flip out??? I quickly swipe up so not to see him but then I’m shaking …. Like, such an emotional response… I feel so crazy!!!! 🤪

There’s so much more to this story and I’m not sure it’s directly about Jesse…. It’s embarrassing truly. I made so many connections within his fan club and of course the trauma experience with my private photos. The love/hate relationship might be geared more towards the betrayal from his fans?? Idk… how could I hate Jesse? 🥺 what did he actually do to me??? Maybe I just hate that I loved the idea of him and it wasn’t realistic?? I loved him from age 14 till I was 24….

[bookofkatherine]

PODCASTS

Did you know? I've recorded over 300 episodes for you!

Free and available to the public, you can find my podcast episode library here! link

Born Out of Adversity

I've kind of done it all by now, just out of necessity. Everytime my health stole something from me, I'd adjust and move on to a different platform that fit my new needs.

At first I was a speaker, teacher and dancer. When my legs were struck with paralysis, I began writing books instead.

When my hands couldn't type anymore, I turned to YouTube and Twitter.

And when the doctors finally gave me a diagnosis with a whole new treatment plan (that has worked, slowly but surely!!!) it required me to stop filming. So I expanded in the areas the treatment plan called for: typing.

I wrote my first novel, Book of Katherine and the Chinese Maze, and added a second Twitter account from the heroine's viewpoint: A Prophet's Journal.

This lead to the Book of Katherine movies. But I missed talking to you. I missed YouTube terribly.

And I wasn't practicing talking the way the doctors wanted either. What was a disabled girl to do???

A New Hope: X

Then, as if heaven heard my cries, my primary platform announced a new feature: recordings!!! I snapped at Twitter's new podcast feature as soon as it appeared. A little over a year later I found myself with over 300 recordings ranging from a few minutes to a few hours on every topic I've ever wanted to talk with you about.

I got my voice back, literally and figuratively. I can talk during my doctor appointments now, an ability I'd lost. You have no idea what it's like to answer the nurse when she asks what your name is after your husband had to do it for you for years.

Hey, the treatment plan emphasized speech. What can I say? Book of Katherine has always been about helping each other out.

I work hard to give you everything I've got, and you give me my life back with every bit of love and support you send my way.

It's a partnership that saved my life. Lord knows my diagnosis has taken enough lives already.

Enjoy. These podcasts were made with love.

xoxo,

Katherine

[homelander-rp-blog]

Maeve rises both hands, trying to calm the stressed-out space between her teammates "hang on.. Misty, I know you care about him but, I really think we should get back to the tower and see if the phone is right? or- give me that" and without waiting she takes that from Misty, shakes her head "we aren't even sure the phone belongs to John or not! I'm just saying we're going too fast, girl" she smiles weakly "think about everyone here, our units are tired and police force.. well.. I'm not sure they'd want to help further." she moves to Misty's side, sighing "let's take a break for tonight, shall we?"

The police force retreats its units and only Vought force and scientists stay, Vought announces news about 'our favorite hero' being lost and they need everyone's help. even on twitter, the hashtags of 'savinghomelander' trending too fast, everyone around the world making small search parties for their hero.

Calvin approaches Misty with a blanket, throwing it on her shoulders and hands over a coffee cup "hey.." his voice tired when he greets her, sitting down and invites her to sit by his side "don't worry.. we'll find him. yeah.." he nods to Starlight who's looking at their way before she turns to Ashley, she says something to red head that has her throwing her hands up "WHAT?! but we all need you here! what you mean you have to see a friend right now?!" Ashley shakes her head again, the coffee spills out of her own paper cup when she turns her back fast to Annie "no, no! no way I let you leave your post for tonight!" but the blonde girl sets to walk to one of Vought's cars anyway, ignoring Ashley's yell behind her that she isn't allowed to leave the place.

Maeve approaches Misty again "can I see that phone again? some of our guys say they can hack it, not sure if that helps.."

Calvin nods his head "yeah.. I can look at it for you if you want..? I don't know much about hacking but uhh.. I think I'm good at computer stuffs!"

On other side of the city, a phone rings and Billy picks up with a grunt "what?" and listens in to whatever the person on the other side says before getting up, marching to John's cage "we gotta move, a birdie told me they probably got our place's address" and John tries to kick or headbutt him when the older man comes closer to haul him up on his legs, pushing toward the cage entrance, they had him undressed out of his uniform, which was really humiliating.. and dressed in civil shirt and pants, which is somehow more humiliating than walking around naked, they had him bruised and bloody and it should be almost two days, seeing his beard starting to grow, these fuckers didn't even let him shave or use bathroom! had to piss in that bowl in the corner of the cage like an animal.. he cried all last night.

"ohh William, as soon as I'm back to that tower-"

"-oh?! do tell me, princess, gonna list wot ya wanna do ta me? go ahead! but add a 'if I can walk out of this alive' on top too.." the man pushes him in the back of their van

"where's Soldier Boy anyway? left you?" John spits with anger and Billy snorts, sitting behind the wheel after making sure Homelander's ropes are tight "gotta let him walk on this earth, promised him after he got ya for me and our deal was ended.." the curt explanation and was all John needed, he just hopes the ex-supe isn't back to Vought trying to take his place! or worse.. hurt those ones that John loves.. like Misty.. or Maeve.

He curls in on himself when the truck rocks around as Billy pulls in the main road.

John.. Angel?

The fuck?! he frantically looks around, whispering "Misty?"

"stop talking to yourself!" Billy yells at him then mumbles a "crazy cunt.." under his breath but John isn't wrong, it's Misty sitting by his side, caressing his messy hair like how he loves the most "Misty? what.. what are you doing here? am I dreaming?" no no.. now Misty is a voice inside his head too?! John, you failed me. the hallucination picture of Misty tells him and he curls in on himself "I..I'm.." I don't want to hear your apologizes, John. you failed..

This time, John doesn't answer her.

Misty’s hands never left her small cat. Petting her small head so repetitively, absolutely zoned out. Her mind was so cluttered and worried with thought, she didn’t hear the soft baby crying and meowing right with her. Feeling every ounce of her anxiety right now.

The hours only continue to pass by. Her eyes would dart up and check the clock religiously. 4, 5, 6.. Soon to be seven in the morning. Her eyes’ color amplified with how much crying she’d done. Her face no longer holding that irresistible glow- replaced with low, pale lifeless skin. This was the most awful she’d ever felt.

Rapid pounding on her door thunders and breaks her away from this heartache. Her hands place Alice and she immediately jumps up from the couch. Almost matching speeds with A-Train scrambling to the door. Her hands coil and twist quickly, being met with Ashley’s panicked eyes.

“They’ve got him! God damnit they’ve got him..” Ashley cries hysterically, almost matching how Misty’s been all night. Her hair a crazed mess of oranges and reds. She holds Mistys shoulders, looking her deep in the eyes. “I’m so sorry- we have to go. There’s a worldwide search party. They WILL find him.. I promise you”

It’s all too much to process. Misty’s heart is shattering- crumbling in her tightened chest. She can’t breath..

Yet, she can’t just fall to her knees and sob, as much as she wants to. Her hands clench into fists, feeling helpless like this. Human. Weak. Fragile. This pit in her stomach quick to consume her. She’ll vomit soon if she can’t be out there- helping at least a little. But even so- an idea dawns on her. She turns and grabs Ashley now, her voice desperate as much as she was just now.

“Give me temp V.. I’ll kill those bastards myself..” Furrowed brows, a raised tone. This wasn’t like her at all. Her love for John overwhelming her senses. He should be here with her- not rotting away captured by some cowards who work in pairs. She’s every ounce of serious on this. Nails digging in hard to the skin. “It’s not a request Ashley. Bring the V and I’ll get packed. Don’t try to talk me out of this”

-

The rescue team walks together. A-Train, Ashley, Misty, The Deep, Noir, Maeve. All of them comforting Misty in their own way. However, she can’t pay them any mind. Her heart is in shambles, her blood boiling hot and angry. She only has one goal in mind.

“Over here! I found something” The Deep beacons us over, the rest of the search party joining. Military members. Forensics. Anyone who could give us a clue, really. Her eyes linger down to see he’s gathered a phone. Her heart swells with hope- looks like those bastards aren’t as smart as they’d hoped to be. She retrieved the phone from him- scrolling and searching desperately for evidence.

It takes her some time but soon she finds it. An address-

“Holy fucking shit.. we’ve got it.. we’ve got the address..” Her hands trembling against the phone. So hard she may drop it. Turning the screen towards them to reveal, her eyes well furthermore with warm, flooding tears. “We have to go now!”

-

[orcusivanth]

Shadow of the Erdtree

[yankpop]

Yandere NCT Dream: You're dating another member

All copyrights belong to @yankpop (aka me) so do not post/translate my works on any other platforms without my consent/knowledge.

Check more: Masterlist.

Female reader

WARNINGS: Kidnapping; manipulation; underwear theft; mentioned stalking.

AN: In each member's part - in the beginning - there is the name of the member the reader is dating. It's a small reaction since we're finally getting the Glitch mode MV today. Hope you guys enjoy it 💖

-

Mark

(Jaemin)

Mark passes an arm through Jaemin’s shoulders, comforting him while the younger boy cries with his head buried in his hands. Mark can barely hide the growing smile that tries to appear. He’s so damn happy that his heart feels it’s gonna burst at any moment.

“I just don’t understand why she broke things like this! Just a message and then she just blocked me.” Jaemin’s shoulders shake as he cries out the words, a sob interrupting him from continuing. “Maybe things weren’t meant to be, dude. Maybe that’s why Y/N left.” Mark tries to keep his voice steady, acting as if he is actually concerned about Jaemin, when in reality he doesn’t care the least about him. Not after he stole you away from him.

You were always supposed to be Mark’s yet somehow Jaemin got in the middle of you two, not even giving Mark a chance of introducing himself to you before you announced the relationship. He took too long to take the first step and meanwhile guys like Jaemin never seem to lose a chance to steal what belongs to other people. Pathetic.

“But she seemed happy! I still can’t believe she ditched me like this. Not even a call or anything.” Jaemin whines, his voice constantly cracking. The real reason why you had only sent a cryptic break-up message was because Mark was the one who sent it and currently you are “adjusting” to your new home. Which is also Mark’s home.

"It's okay, man. I’m sure that wherever Y/N is, she’ll be happy.” He’ll make sure of that, afterall now you’re where you belong. With Mark.

Renjun

(Jeno)

“I don’t understand how they came up with this idea.” you slowly mutter, scrolling through twitter, catching more and more unreasonable comments showing up. “Me neither, I mean, it doesn’t even make sense! Why the hell would they think you’re with Renjun when you’re with me?” the bitterness in Jeno’s voice makes you look up from the phone screen. Your boyfriend seems so upset that you can’t help but feel bad too, even though you’re just as confused as him.

Renjun on the other side appeared to be completely calm, something that surprises you and honestly, it looked a bit suspicious since Renjun, of all people, was the one dragged into a dating scandal with you. Your eyes divert towards him, awkwardly making eye contact. “And what about you, Renjun? Do you have any idea why they would do this?”

His eyes glance at your phone before focusing on you once again, directly staring at you. “I’m just as confused as you guys. But in fan’s defense, they don’t know you are dating Jeno so it’s probably just a mistake. You guys never went public, anyways.” Renjun shrugs it off, but internally he’s rejoiced that you and Jeno hadn’t revealed your relation to the world. He would hate it if everyone found out that you’re with Jeno and not with him, your obvious other half. Maybe that’s why he jumped on the idea of spreading some rumors, maybe it could aid him to convince you that you’re better with him.

Next to him, Jeno groans in annoyance. “Ugh, to make it worse, the company doesn’t even want to deny the rumors. Just great.” Renjun ignores the scowl that appears in your face, instead preferring to fantasize about the bright side of the news. Hopefully, with time and patience, Renjun could finally convince you to pick him instead of Jeno.

He’s more than willing to ruin his friendship with Jeno if it means getting you.

Jeno

(Haechan)

Jeno waits until he hears the sound of the shower being turned on and then carefully steps into the room, waiting a moment to be sure you were in the adjacent bathroom. Haechan and the rest of the boys were out of the dorms, leaving just him and you in the apartment.

He glances at the bathroom door for a second, the temptation of peeking strong but ultimately deciding not to. The risk is too high and Jeno doesn’t want to ruin things now.

Instead, he walks over to be closet and opens the drawers until he finds what he’s looking for. The black bra lays there in full display and it makes his palms sweaty. The fact that you wore this makes him blood hot. It’s these types of moments that make him forget that you’re dating Haechan.

Wasting no time, Jeno grabs the piece of cloth and hurriedly shoves it into his pants pocket, quietly exiting the room. Once he’s at the security of his room, Jeno takes out the bra and runs his fingers through the silk material, imagining how you would look when only wearing it.

It annoys the heck out of him that Haechan probably saw you like that while he hasn’t, but Jeno is not gonna give up on you so easily. The only way this is over is when you’re with Jeno. No matter what he has to do in order to make it happen.

Haechan

(Jisung)

“C’mon, Jisungie, all you have to do is to share the pictures she sent you.” Haechan whines to the young boy, who has an indecisive expression on his face. “I don’t know about that…. I'm not supposed to show them to anyone, she made me promise it.” His deep voice is full of conflict, especially because of Haechan’s pushy behavior. Jisung opens his mouth to continue but Haechan is faster to speak, his voice starting to show some irritation.

He had been trying to convince Jisung to share some intimate pictures you had apparently sent him, yet Jisung is taking more time to be convinced than what Haechan had initially predicted and it’s starting to end his patience towards Jisung. “You know that I would share the pictures with you.”

“But you don’t have a girlfriend.” Jisung tries to reason with him, only to be cut off again by Haechan who raises his voice at a loud level. “Exactly! If I had a girlfriend, just like you do, I'd share them with you, Jisung. I thought we were best friends, no?” His words seem to finally have worked as there’s defeat in Jisung’s face, making Haechan internally smile, already knowing he had won this one.

Jisung never deserved you, anyways. But him, oh, Haechan deserves you more than anyone else in this universe. For now, all he wants is a small peek of you but soon he’ll make sure that you’re his and not Jisung’s.

Jaemin

(Chenle)

Jaemin waits until Chenle leaves for the restroom and then runs towards the boy’s phone. Quickly unlocking the phone, he sends you a message.

She’s not here now, so you can come over, babe.

It’s a bit cliché, but it should work. A malicious smile creeps into his face. Even if this message wasn’t enough to cause a break-up, it’s definitely gonna stir up some conflicts between the happy couple, which is more than satisfying for Jaemin. Later on, he can guide things in a way that by the time he’s over, you won’t want to see Chenle again in your life but for now, this is a good start.

He deletes the message once it shows that you’ve read the text, making it look like it was a mistake. Going back to the couch, Jaemin pretends to focus on the television, promptly ignoring the incoming calls from you.

The confusion on Chenle’s face once he answers your calls, just to be accused of cheating is something Jaemin will never forget. He pretends to console Chenle when in reality he’s already planning to meet you and give you some “discret” hints that Chenle is cheating for sure, and that he, as your friend, can’t bear to hide the truth away from you.

Jaemin knows that it’s gonna break your heart, but he’ll be there to pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together but this time with the only person that truly deserves you - him.

Chenle

(Renjun)

“And my sister is coming to see me this weekend so we’re probably gonna have lunch together or something like that.” you mention, cutting the carrot in pieces as Chenle cooks something in the frying pan.

“I thought you guys didn’t get along with each other.” He twitches his brows in confusion, glancing at you. “It’s true but we still decided to go and,” you halt your movements for a second, how did he know that? You never mentioned your family to Chenle, you’re not that close.

“How did you know that?” you question him, narrowing your eyes in distrust. You can’t see his face as you’re facing his back, but you notice his body becoming inert.

“I, uh, I think Renjun mentioned it a while ago.” Chenle manages to say, his voice a little strained. The tension leaves your body, believing in him. You did revealed that to Renjun, so maybe he was the one to tell Chenle after all.

You accept his answer and keep talking with Chenle over random stuff while preparing dinner. Chenle lets out a relieved sigh, glad you believed him. That was too close. Lately he was becoming careless, accidentally spilling details that Renjun didn’t actually reveal him but that he acquired through stalking you and breaking into your house. He needs to get a grip of himself and be more careful with what he speaks. Chenle doesn’t need you to find out his stalkerish tendencies and become freaked out by him.

All he wants is to get to know you better but since you’re dating Renjun that makes it harder but not impossible. He just needs to wait for the right opportunity, play the right cards and in the end, you can be entirely his without any interference from Renjun.

Jisung

(Mark)

“But why can’t I go with you guys?” Jisung’s voice is full of sadness as he looks at you, his pretty eyes shining with tears while his hand tugs yours. It makes a hole in your heart to see him like this, making you seriously rethink your decision.

It’s supposed to be a date night with Mark but ever since Jisung found out you guys were going to the movies to see a film that coincidentally he wanted to see as well, he had been supplicating to let him join you. And it’s very hard to see Jisung begging for something and not giving it to him.

You sigh in defeat, already making up your decision. You just hope Mark won’t be too upset with Jisung tagging along, especially since lately you hadn’t much time together just the two of you. But again, Jisung was like a brother to Mark so he shouldn’t be too mad at the change of plans.

In front of you, Jisung is still staring at you with wide hopefully eyes that fill with pure happiness as soon as you agree to take him to the movies. You chuckle as the boy literally throws himself on you, pulling you on an extremely tight hug. Meanwhile Jisung can’t be happier by spending more time in your precious company, something he’d prefer if it was without Mark but he can bear his annoying company if it means being close to you.

-

Tags:

@mwitsmejk

[frostbittenbucky]

Bruce Wayne

The Batman

The Dark Knight

Worlds Greatest Detective

Had fucked up

Bruce Wayne isn’t a slob, he’s not lazy- he is the complete opposite of his persona “Brucie Wayne”, who is a lazy pampered prince. But Bruce Wayne? Never.

So after Bruce finishes a snack he washes his dishes like any civilized human would do- or else Alfred would have some very choice words and some very petty actions towards him. It’s a simple task, take off his rings, run the water, apply the soap, scrub then rinse.

Simple.

But someone tell Bruce how the hell he managed to drop his ring down the drain? And someone tell Bruce why the didn’t stop for a moment and think before shoving his hand down the drain?

He fucked up. Now he’s stuck. But Bruce Wayne is a genius, he can get himself out of this silly situation. So he tries pulling... and pulling... and pulling. Ok, next option, lubricant. Soap will do. So Bruce proceeds to pour a generous amount of soap around his hand, he moves it around to make sure it’s coated, then he pulls. And pulls. Ok so next move.

What’s the next move?

He groaned loudly, thinking how utterly ridiculous and stupid this situation is. “Ok... dammit,” he muttered to himself. He decided to reach for his phone and-

Shit. It’s on the kitchen island directly behind him, where it’s just out of his reach. Why did he do that? Oh right, because he got water in his speaker last time. Right. Perfect. Wonderful.

“Alfred?” He called out, “Alfred, Damian are you still here?” No response. Shitshitshitshitshitgodammitshitshit.

Maybe he can reach his phone? He thought. So with all his grace he leaned towards to island, swishing at the air in hopes his phone would magically come into his hand. Nah.

Leg, his leg might reach. It’s longer than his arm, and his can get some torso length in there. Lifting his leg and leaning his body out he kicks at the counter, his brows furrowed. Fuck. Bruce is very flexible, but his leg and torso are extended to the fullest human capacity, and fuck why are these countered so spaced out?!

Bruce pulls his body back and lays his forehead on the cold countertop, trying to push down the rage that’s building up in his chest. This is stupid. This is so fucking stupid. “Is anybody home? Stephanie? Jason? Ca- not you, Titus,” He lifted his head from the counter and looked to his right, and there Titus stood in front of Bruce, wanting to investigate the noise. Seeing nothing interesting Titus tilted his head and gave a “boof” before turning out and leaving him to his own demise, “no wait,” Bruce reached out for the dog who already made up his mind.

So there he stood.

Bruce Wayne

The Batman

The Dark Knight

The Worlds Greatest Detective

Dumbass

Knowing he now has to swallow his pride and go into his next move, he groans loudly. It’s not like it’s the first time he’s called when it wasn’t anything life threatening. Sure, it’s rare, but it does happen. Plus, he always understands, and by now he knows the differences between help and help. But Bruce knew there would be consequences... because he isn’t scared of Bruce, all his intimidation tactics fall short, completely on deaf ears around him.

“Clark,” his voice sounded almost like a whine, his voice was a little hoarse from literally forcing the words past his lips, “if you’re not busy I need a hand.”

Just as soon as his finished his sentence Clark was stood in front of him, flannel, glasses, and cowboy boots, “howdy.” Bruce closed his eyes at Clark’s greeting, then opened them to send him a hard glare, “what’s seems to be the problem, Bruce?” A wide and knowing grin spread across Clark’s face. X-ray vision. No explanation needed. Sure friends help friends in their times of need. But best friends? Oh yea, Bruce had to earn his help by paying the high price of humiliation.

“Just hand me my phone, Clark,” pointing at the device just out of reach.

A shocked and confused looked replaced Clark’s smile, “oh, this? This phone right here?” He also pointed, walking to grab the device, “you don’t happen to have Face ID do you?”

“No, I w-“ It was a lie. Clark know had opened his phone just by turning it to Bruce’s face. A sigh left his body, was this price worth his freedom? Probably not.

“Hold on, B, I’m not dressed properly. This is a rescue after all,” and just in a blink of an eye Superman now stood in front of a tired looking Bruce, having no choice of his front vow seat the shit show that was about to unfold. Clark lifted the phone and snapped a couple selfies with Bruce, grinning his charming smile that the world adored him for. Bruce looked like a hungover raccoon, putting it kindly.

“Are your done? Just get me out and I’ll buy you a horse or something.”

“Aw, you do care. I knew you were listening when I told you about that pony farm,” Clark didn’t bother to look up from the phone, tapping away at the screen, “oh Bruce, your groupchat is named ‘family’?”

His eyes widen, “don’t you da-“

“-Isn’t Dick a firefighter? I think that he’s better for this job,” Clark announced, taking a seat on the island that just out of reach, “I hope you understand Mr. Wayne, I’m glad to offer help but them seems like a job for our local emergency service.”

“If you call 911,” Bruce growled, gritting his teeth together, leaning towards the other man and close as possible, “I swear.”

Scoffing, Clark waves him off, “of course not, why would I waste a 911 operators time? There’s people who need real help out there. I’m calling Dick directly.” Once again, is the price of freedom worth it?

————-

“Fireman Dick Grayson reporting for duty!” Cried his oldest child with two other firman following close behind, “hey pops I h- is that Superman?” He faked a gasped, clutching his chest.

The group chat had blown up by now. A series of text and FaceTime calls followed shortly after.

Damian: “Tt. Father this is utterly disappointing”

Bruce: “Sorry to be disappointing, kiddo”

Stephanie: “lmfaoooo I’m coming over. Be there in 10 don’t escape until I get there”

Jason: *screenshot of the photo of Superman and Bruce posted on Twitter with the caption: “when your dad panics and calls Superman”

Jason: *another screenshot of a multitude of replies along the lines, “what are you doing step bro?” “What are your doing Superman?”*

Duke: “the mighty Batman has finally met his match. A kitchen sink”

Cassandra: “😆😆😂🤣😬🤔🧠🤷🏻‍♀️💕💕💗💓💖”

Bruce: “thank you, Cassandra. I think.”

Stephanie: “imma do a live when I get there 🤣”

Tim: “you know we’re not going to let you live this down right b?”

Dick: “dumbasssssss”

Dick: “don’t worry B I’ll be there to rescue you shortly”

Bruce: “I can unadopt all of you.”

Alfred: “master Bruce, please word yourself properly. “Unadopt” isn’t a real word.”

Bruce: “Sorry, Alfred.”

So now that official rescue crew has arrived he expected this to be a quick and professional release. Nah. Dick, his oldest, his light in the dark, his son, his baby boy, is an asshole.

Dick started taking his own selfies with Bruce and Superman. Dick and Clark wore bright smiles, full of perfect teeth and glimmering eyes. Bruce, again, looked like a mess. He was wearing an old shirt, old sweatpants, no makeup on, his hair an untamed, scattered, frizzy mess. He should’ve conditioned, but he wasn’t expecting to go out today or have any photos done today.

The price of freedom is high, but not worth it.