#i cried REAL TEARS
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â ËïœĄâ ᥣđ© â ËïœĄâ
rafe got you a nintendo switch in hopes of keeping you occupied â not that he doesnât like to spend time with you, itâs just that heâs a very busy man, and you need a distraction when heâs off handling business.
your cozy game addiction started with an innocent folder on his phone, and now rafeâs paying for your annual nintendo online membership. you have all the basics â mario kart, stardew valley, pokemon, and your favorite, animal crossing.
obsessed is an understatement â your manicured hands are glued to your baby pink nintendo switch at all hours of the day, hard at work on your animal crossing island. your intense focus on decorating keeps you from hearing rafe return home, his eyes skimming over where youâre laying over the arm of tannyhillâs leather couch.
âyouâre still playing that goddamn game?â he sighs, squinting at you in disbelief that youâre not coming to hang off of him like you usually do. instead, he swaggers over to where youâre sitting with his hands in his sweatpants pockets.
âyeah, rafe. i have a lot to do.â you respond matter of factly, not bothering to take your eyes off the little screen. âi have to catch all these fish before next month, pay back my home loan, and decorate the campsite. and thatâs just today, if i can get through it all.â you shake your head at the stress, but you shrug as if itâs unavoidable, still laser focused on planting flowers in the game. âi want my island to be pretty and nice for my villagers. i mean â if i donât take care of it who will?â
you finally pause, lowering the switch to cover your mouth suddenly. âew.. i sound like you.â you peer up at him looming over you, your head practically hanging off the side of the couch.
âwhâwhat?â he rears back, visibly offended. âi do not sound like that, okay â first of all.â he gestures to himself, poking at his chest through his preppy collared shirt. âân i donât talk to fuckinâ cats all day, alright? i got real business â real shit i gotta take care of.â he smacks his hand, trying to drive home the point for you. then, like the realization had just hit him, he presses his lips into a line, tapping his temple. âyâknow what? at least now maybe you can understand the stress iâm under runninâ all this shit.â
you raise your eyebrows at him, his frustrated tirade only proving you right. âyouâre right, you sound totally different.â
âaight, iâm done with you. seriously.â he throws his hands up, his short fuse slowly fizzling out. âyou gonna put that away and gimme a kiss or not?â
â ËïœĄâ ᥣđ© â ËïœĄâ
#my inbox is open! â§âË.#speaking of animal crossing i almost deleted my island the other day :((#i cried REAL TEARS#obx#rafe cameron#rafe cameron x reader#rafe x reader#rafe cameron drabble#rafe cameron headcanon#rafe drabble#rafe headcanon
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#sheâs in love your honor
#warrior nun#avatrice#wnedit#warriornunedit#ava silva#sister beatrice#wlwsource#wlwedit#alba baptista#kristina tonteri young#ava x beatrice#dailytvgifs#dailylgbtq#we talk so much about alba's heart eyes but THIS??#looking at her like she's her whole world#i cried real tears#she's so in love with her i'm-#and the way ava's face lights up when she sees it's bea#!mine
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went to the louvre today and absolutely booked it straight to her
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I'm a psychology student ofc I watched Inside Out 2 as soon as I could (today)
#đ! mah rambles#i cried real tears#i do not have anxiety however#OH ALSO#inside out 2 spoilers#<- just in case#anyways as i was saying#i do not have anxiety however i did relate a lot to the âim not good enough bitâ
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currently watching supernatural for the first time, im in season 7 and bro... bobby's episode... "they are my boys. they grew up great. they're heroes" "saved the best for last" what the fuck man. literally what. they. they have no one left. NO ONE. campbell, cass, now bobby WHAT THE HELL
#i am aware that cass is coming back in like#5 episodes#but still dude im in PAIN#i CRIED REAL TEARS#dean and sam winchester get behind me#dean winchester protection squad#dean winchester needs a hug#sam winchester needs a hug#the winchesters need therapy#SO MUCH THERAPY#cw gonna pay for MY therapy after watching this show#the winchester brothers#dean winchester#sam winchester#bobby singer#supernatural#spn
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watch this
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GUYSSS THE NOVEL TL IS FINALLY COMING! IN TWO DAYS!
#I CRIED REAL TEARS#the perks of being an s class heroine#a transmigrator's privilege#WE'LL GET TO SEE REED'S LOCALISED NAME!#I NEED TO CHECK IF TESILID IN THE CARTELYENA CHAP WAS SMIRKING OR NOT#and if novel hestio still stays the same#WHEN I SAY I LEGIT CRIEDDDD#ok idk if theyll even reach week of rewinds on release day lol (doubtful) but the drought is finally over!!! đđđ#cant wait to reread it!!#god tapas needs to have an ink sale asap#i would pay!!!!!
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KIERAN CULKIN EMMY AWARD WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!
#i used to pray for times like this#đ„čđ„čđ„č#finally!!!#he is no longer the most robbed white male actor in history#i cried real tears#kieran culkin#Emmyâs#2024 emmys
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I wanna know
Has anyone read Echotale - thought so ?
cuz I read it
3 years ago
and I can't get myself to read it again
that book destroyed me
Although it does have a happy ending
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I started playing MoP recently and
CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME ONE (1) REASON WHY WOULD WOW GIVE ME A RACCOON JUST TO KILL HIM A SECOND LATER?
And then another one? And when I go WOOOOO he gets turned into A JADE STATUE????!
#i cried real tears#what the fuck blizzard#i want my money back#raccoons#gizmo#socks#rest in piece my beloved trashpandas
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thought cyrano was gonna be that classic hallmark miscommunication with a dash of period piece beauty and uh. what the fuck.
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ARGENTINAAAAAA
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FOR THOSE WHO DONT KNOW THIS HAPPEND IN PORTO. PORTUGAL
I CRIED MY EYES OUT TO THIS!
LOOK AT HIM HUGGING THE FLAG
LISENT PORTUGAL HAS A LOT OF OLDER GENERATION SO THERE IS STILL A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO HATE THE IDEA OF LGBT AND ALL
THATS WHY PEOPLE THOUGHT HE WAS BEING HATEFULL WITH THE PORTUGAL FLAG
BUT HE IS AN ALLY
I LOVE HIM
(tumblr doesn't let add videos to reblogs, apparently)
decided to post the full video from this story, in case the twitter post gets deleted.
the caption reads: "The most beautiful scene today"
you can see (and hear) people crying in the crowd. such an emotional moment. đ„čđ„č
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and dunked her into a barrel of boiling oil and venomous snakes and she died an evil death.
boiling oil AND venomous snakes???? bro idk how to tell you this but i don't think those snakes are gonna be doing much-
#kira reads fairytales#ngl that actually nearly sent me into hysterical laughter#i cried real tears#this whole story just was fucking veering left and right and that was how it ended and i just#it just pushed me over the edge man#đ ooc // iâll probably be awake to 3am for no reason
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THEY ARE SO CUTE!!! THEY HAVE MY HEART MY SOUL!!! THEY ARE MY EVERYTHING!!!
ALSO eelektross peeking in <3
#THIS COMIC WAS SO PEAK SO AMAZING SO CUTE#I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL I LITERALLY CRIED REAL TEARS#AMAZING AMAZING#submas#pmex spoilers#pmex
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THE WAY THIS IS LITERALLY A MASTERPIECE OH MY GOODNESS
cold hands - psh (m)
this work contains smut - minors please do not interact
pairing. sunghoon x fem!reader
synopsis. plot plot plot what is a plot when you can just have vibes and a vague narrative direction... if you MUST know you go to your brother's hockey team back-to-uni party accidentally matching one of the members with your cowgirl barbie costume. hopelessly romantic sunghoon sees this as a sign that the two of you are meant to be together, but you're impossible to read and soon the two of you settle on an ambiguous secret friends with benefits relationship. unfortunately, conflict ensues.
genre. strangers to friends to fwb to lovers..?? its not an asahicore fic if it doesnt have fluff angst AND smut, brothers best friend, jock x nerd type vibe, slight miscommunication put your pitchforks away and hear me out pls it works out i promise, reader has ISSUES đ loser loverboy sunghoon, its mostly in his pov, i know nothing about ice hockey
word count. 39.5k đ
a/n. inspired by @moonlighthoon's request for the 1k trope event! sorry it took ages to write but i hope you like it and that i met ur expectations!!!! hope everyone else enjoys it too, this is the longest fic ive ever written and im quite proud of it, pls pls pls let me know what u thought <333 shoutout to @zreamy .. good luck with your studies, thank u for beta reading and making this fic exponentially better as u always do âïž credit to @/plutism for the dividers :)
Some men never think of it. You did. Youâd come along And say youâd nearly brought me flowers But something had gone wrong.
The shop was closed. Or you had doubts - The sort that minds like ours Dream up incessantly. You thought I might not want your flowers.
It made me smile and hug you then. Now I can only smile. But, look, the flowers you nearly brought Have lasted all this while. - Wendy Cope, Flowers
When Sunghoon falls in love, it usually goes as quickly as it came.
Just to name a few:
There had been Ahn Yujin, whose family had moved next to his when he was twelve, and whose dog got on perfectly with his. His crush on the cute girl next door grew with every walk the four of them took but disappeared the second she ditched him to walk home from school with Na Jaemin.Â
A few years later, there had been Bae Sumin, who sat in front of him and always had her hair up in a ponytail he found exceedingly pretty. An appointment at the hairdresser was enough for him to stop liking her, as if his interest in her had been laying in the ten centimeters of hair she had cut off.Â
In his junior year of high school, there had been Kim Yerim, a college student that tutored him in Math and English. She was three years older, but that didnât deter himâwhat did was the fact that she was dating a college graduate. She showed him a picture once, and the guy had biceps probably twice the size of Sunghoonâs. He thought it was safer to give up on her than to fight such a bulky guy five years his senior.Â
The first time it stuck was during his first year of college. She was his coachâs daughter and he liked the way she would smile at him when she came to watch their practice. Sunghoon didnât like to think about her, mainly because even after she broke his heart, for a while there, he continued to love her.Â
So, when he first spots you from across the room at the Welcome Back costume party thrown by his hockey team, unintentionally the Cowboy Barbie to his Cowboy Ken, he tries not to read too much into it. Barbie was a hit this summer, itâs an easy and topical costume, of course thereâs a pretty girl wearing the same bright pink cowboy hat he is. It doesnât mean sheâs the love of his life.
Right?
He knows you from the pictures that littered the walls of Minjeong, Yunjin and Chaewonâs apartment last year, from Instagram posts, both yours and your friendsâ, from your video calls with Jake, who dragged him into the cameraâs view. Say hi to my sister, heâd insist, like Sunghoon was a child who didnât want to greet his great-great-aunt. Heâd dip in to say hi as requested, ask how you were, and mumble me too like a fool when you said you heard so much about him and were excited to meet him in real life.Â
These are the things Sunghoon knows about you: Jakeâs older sister by a year, currently on a year abroad in Rome, studies something fancy like Classics, which he hadnât known people still did in the twenty-first century, deep attachment to Stardew Valley in first year, rarely seen with the same man twice, very pretty. Absurdly so. Heâs also weirdly obsessed over the texts youâve sent to the group chat he was added to at the beginning of last yearâscarce, short, elusive. Never more than two sentences, and always long after the conversation was over. But sometimes youâd send photos and videos out of nowhere, of your adventures or of funny things you saw online, and he always hearted them. He even replied to it sometimes (brave hahas or thatâs so cool!s), in hopes that it would make you like him, would make you think, he gets me.Â
The two of you have never formally yet because you left for Italy the year he started university. Heâs been nervous about meeting you since the first time the group told him about you.Â
Now that he is about to, he can hear his heart thumping so loudly in his ears, it drowns out the bass of the music. Heâs glad he gets to see you before having to talk to youâheâs not sure he could take in your presence and form coherent words at the same time. He watches you laugh with your friends, the smile lines that form like dimples around your mouth, the strands of hair you keep tucking behind your ear. Then someone joins your groupâexcept itâs not just someone, itâs Minjeong, her denim jacket so often worn he recognises her from the back, and he realizes the people youâre with have been Chaewon and Yunjin this whole time. The three of them have been banging on about you all year, even more so due to the fact that their replacement flatmate was dreadful, a Spanish girl who only hung out with other Spanish exchange students and looked the girls up and down when they tried to invite her out somewhere.
You turn towards Minjeong, and before he knows it, heâs in your line of sight, and your eyes meet. Confusion, then a flash of recognition goes through your eyes. He had been resting his elbow on a countertop, cider bottle in hand and watching you, he realizes, not unlike a creep, but now he stands up straight and looks around him as if you hadnât just caught him staring. Before he can find a way out, Jake appears by his side and throws an arm around his shoulders, guiding him into the throng of party-goers and, coincidentally, closer to you.
âDude, youâll never guess what.â
âWhat?â Sunghoon says, tone coming out more irritated than he means it to. Heâs just had to give up on making a good first impression on you, and he doesnât even have the time to think of a way to redeem himself. When he dares to look back at you, your eyes are already on him, a small smile on your lips. You probably hate him already.
âMy sister is dressed just like you. If I didnât know any better, Iâd think you guys came together or something. Hey, guys!â Jake calls out, and all of a sudden, itâs not just your eyes on him, itâs everyoneâs. Well, to be fair, theyâre also looking at Jake. But youâre only looking at Sunghoon, and he canât look away from you either, canât even manage the politeness to hug everyone in greeting like Jake is doing now. He watches as your eyes rake over his figure, taking him in, assessing him, and he suddenly feels awkward in his costume that matches yours, like heâs somehow overstepped a boundary, like you might think heâs asked around about your costume, found out you were going as Barbie and decided to match you so youâd think the two of you were meant together, like he had two minutes ago, and come to the fairly reasonable decision that he was the weirdest man on Earth. But then you meet his eyes, smile a kind, genuine smile, and his whole body relaxes.Â
âHey, Hoon!â Chaewon calls, arms open wide. He remembers himself and hugs everyone, even you, and he has to pretend like this is completely fine and normal, like his hands arenât practically shaking as his arms circle your shoulders in a two-second embrace.Â
You squeeze one of his shoulders, and keeping his countenance is a Herculean task. He feels like those people centuries ago who passed out at the sight of a ladyâs ankle. âItâs so nice to finally meet you,â you say, peering at him over the rim of your red cup. âIâve heard so much about you.â
Sunghoon feels the blush growing on his face; he wasnât expecting so much of your attention so quickly. He takes a swig of his lukewarm cider, hoping if he seems drunk, it might explain his redness. âGood things, I hope,â he says, aware of the unoriginality but unable to come up with anything better.
âOh, donât worry, theyâve made you out to be a saint.â Youâve not once broken eye contact or stopped smilingâit should intimidate him, but instead, it makes Sunghoon feel like youâve known each other for ages and that this isnât your first conversation at all. He finds himself able to relax into a smile, and manages to meet your eyes for more than three seconds at a time.
âYou donât believe them?â
You pause, gaze zeroing in on him even more intensely than previously, smile turning smirk-like. Sunghoonâs heart skips a beat. Okay, maybe heâs not that relaxed. âI donât know you well enough to make up my mind yet. But weâll be seeing plenty of each other from now on, wonât we?â
This is exactly what Sunghoon has been warned about. You at parties, the way you look at guys, the way you talk to them. Sunghoon has been the audience of more than one recreation of such a scene, Yunjin pretending to be you, Chaewon pretending to be your âvictim,â as the others liked to call them. Because once you had set your eyes on a man, he had little chance of making it out. Jay prides himself as being the only survivor, although he has to admit itâs only because Jake interrupted your conversation, telling him, âI see youâve met my sister.â And Jay was not the kind of person that got off with their friendsâ siblings, especially since his and Jakeâs friendship was only a week long at that point, and he didnât want to ruin the atmosphere in their dorm for the rest of the year just because his dick had gotten the best of him. His words. Whenever they were all hanging out together and they called you, one of the girls would inevitably ask if you had âturned any Italian boys into menâ or if you had been âterrorizing the good men of Rome recently.â You would either roll your eyes or say this was not a conversation to be had in front of your brother.
Sunghoon had been sure they were exaggeratingâit takes two to tango, as they say, and it wasnât like you ensnared innocent men into your trap. They had to be willing, to want something from you just as much as you wanted something from them. Heâd also gotten them to admit it wasnât that frequent, that you werenât looking for a new prey every party, just once in a while when you found someone you liked. (Heâd been very quiet when Jay asked why he was trying so hard to defend you.)
But now that he is on the receiving end of your alluring smiles, he starts to understand how one could fall for you without meaning to. He knows he canât â Jake probably wouldnât take to it kindly, and he didnât want to spoil the dynamic of his best group of friends at uni â but he has a feeling that ten minutes of talking to you would be enough to shake his resolve.
âOh, yeah, Iâm sure we will. Jake said you studied a lot, but Iâm sure weâll get to hang out. All of us, I mean,â he quickly adds, lest you think heâs already asking you to hang out one-on-one. Sunghoon would not be that forward.
âOf course. I have to see if you did a good enough job replacing me for a year.â Sunghoonâs eyes widen, and before he can blurt out something weirdly laudatory like âI could never replace you, I would never even try, I donât know you but youâre clearly far superior to me in every aspect and I could never even claim to fill your spot,â you giggle and tell him itâs just a joke. âIf anything, Iâm happy Jake has managed to make a new friend that he didnât meet through me, that loser,â you say, and together, you laugh at Jakeâs loserness, a topic that will never fail to amuse Sunghoon, although heâs not faring much better in that department.Â
âLike, look at him right now,â you say, jerking your head in Jakeâs general direction, somewhere behind Sunghoonâs shoulderâand thatâs when he realizes that itâs just the two of you standing there, the others gone without him even noticing. Sunghoon turns around, finding the girls, Jay, and a bunch of other people he vaguely recognizes huddled around Jake. They all start chanting his name as he gulps down a giant red cup of beer, then raises the empty cup over his head in victory and crumples it, beaming at the people around him.Â
âWhat is he doing?â Sunghoon asks, laughing at his friend.
âJay called him over for a beer-off,â you explain. After a beat, you ask, âYou didnât notice?â
The implications are clear in your tone and in your eyes. In the smile playing on your lips, just shy of being a smirk. You didnât notice because of me, is what youâre really telling Sunghoonâat least, thatâs the impression heâs getting. And youâd be right. He was too busy talking to you and trying his best not to make a fool of himself to notice his friends leaving, too engrossed with you to register the sudden disappearance of four people. Across the room, where people have shifted their attention to yet another hockey player downing a sizable amount of beer, he catches Chaewonâs eyes, and she winks at him. Of courseâleave it to Chaewon, to whom Sunghoon once made the mistake of drunkenly rambling about how pretty you looked in your Instagram posts last year, to give you and Sunghoon some time alone, âto get to know each other properly,â she would probably say. Although he isnât sure that small talk over 2000s music counts as getting to know someone. According to the others, she and Yunjin started dating a month into their second year, so Chaewon has proclaimed herself as the goddess of dating and is now always trying to set people up. Sunghoon thinks sheâs just living vicariously through her friends now that she has a Mrs. at home.
Because the filter usually at work between the part of Sunghoonâs brain where sentences are formed and his mouth is apparently on leave today, he says, âI do have a pretty distracting sight in front of me.â Heâs immediately both mortified and impressed by this sudden bout of confidence, but then you look down and giggle, actually giggle, the sweetest sound heâs ever heard, and only pride remains.Â
âSo, Ken?â you ask, a cute attempt to change the subject, taking the fabric of the pink bandana around his neck between your fingers. Sunghoon wonders if youâre going to yank him down to your level, and he thinks he wouldnât have much of a problem with that.Â
He realizes that even though you should technically know each otherâs names, you havenât actually exchanged them, so in a confused but correcting tone, he says, âUm, Sunghoon.â He only belatedly realizes that you hadnât gotten his name wrong, you were just making a comment on his costume, which he had completely forgotten he was wearing in the first place. Just as heâs about to backtrack and salvage what he can of the situation, you burst into laughter, hand leaving his bandana to cover your mouth as he hides his face behind his own hands, laughing along with you despite himself.Â
âI know your name is Sunghoon!â you exclaim. The gratification of hearing you say his name takes away some of his embarrassment. âIâm Y/N, by the way. Not Barbie.â
Sunghoon nods. âGood to know.â
The laughter gradually dies down, but your smile stays the same; wide, bright, a smile that exposes your teeth and turns your eyes into crescents. Sunghoon canât look away. Heâs awash with nerves, your gaze simultaneously planting his feet to the ground like theyâre full of lead and making him light-headed. His heart is beating so fast, he can barely feel it anymore.Â
The two of you stand there, looking and smiling at each other, like in a clichĂ© movie scene where everyone else at the party seems to fade into the background. He has no idea how much time has passed when you break the silence. âIt really is nice to finally meet you,â you say, repeating your statement from earlier, as though you mean it more now.Â
âIt is,â Sunghoon simply replies, because he doesnât know how else to express the relief of seeing you in the flesh after hearing about you and looking at a digital version of you for a year. The relief, but also the anticipation of what is to come now that he knows he likes you even more now that heâs actually seen you. And improbable as it sounds, you might even feel the same.
Sunghoon can already feel it. The beginning of something.
You nod towards his now empty cup. âWant a refill?â
Together, you make your way through the crowd of increasingly drunk students until you reach the kitchen, where the countertops overflow with open bottles of liquor of all sorts and paper plates with half-eaten pizza slices on them. He watches your every move as you find a cold bottle of beer in the fridge, a bottle of strawberry syrup in a random cupboard that you had to know was there, and a half-empty discarded bottle of lemonade on the counter. You ask him to tell you about last year, everything you missed out on, and so he does. He knows youâve probably heard it all from the others before, but you still laugh and gasp like itâs the first time youâre hearing about any of it, all the hockey games they won, Jay getting food poisoning from the sketchy pizzeria he kept eating at, Yunjin almost getting into a fistfight with a man twice her size who was flirting with Chaewon.Â
You assemble two drinks and hand him one of them. When he takes a sip, his eyes widen at the refreshing and sweet taste. âGood, right?â you say. âI discovered it on a trip to France last summer.â
âThank God for France. I think thatâs the first time Iâve ever enjoyed drinking beer,â he says.
âThatâs probably because you canât taste the beer at all.â
Sunghoon smiles. âProbably, yeah.â
You turn around, lower back against the counter, and take in the current kitchen population. âWe really werenât very original with our costumes tonight.â Sunghoon, who had not taken his eyes off of you this entire time, follows your gaze. He counts five partygoers dressed in some version of Barbie or Ken, and thatâs just the kitchen. He doesnât blame themâthe fact that so many people came dressed in costumes at all impresses him, especially for a party on the 10th of September and not the 31st of October. The social committee of the hockey team just seems to really love themed and dress-up parties.
He chuckles, then takes a sip of his drink. Itâs really nice. âYeah, but we look the best.â
Your head whips towards him, eyes glinting with something that makes Sunghoon smile, even though he doesnât know what youâre thinking. âShould we enter the coupleâs costume contest?â you ask.
At the mention of couple, his eyes widen, his brain tricking him into thinking youâve asked him out for a second. But when what you actually meant dawns on him, the first thing to come out of his mouth is, âThereâs a coupleâs costume contest?!â
âMh-hm. The sign-up sheet should be around here.âÂ
For what feels like the millionth time since heâs started talking to you, his face heats up. âAre non-couples allowed to enter?â
âWeâre Barbie and Ken. Iâd say thatâs enough of a couple, donât you think?âÂ
Right. Because he had been thinking of Sunghoon and Y/N, while you obviously meant Barbie and Ken. In the contest, it doesnât actually matter whether the contestants are dating in real lifeâit matters that their costumes match. Sunghoon knows that. He just needed a second.
He grins, deep dimples punctuating his cheeks. âOkay, letâs do it.â
Armed with your drinks, you walk around the kitchen in search of the sign-up sheet. You find it on a wall next to the dining table, which has been turned into a beer pong table for tonightâs festivities, and the sheet is almost filled with names already. Sunghoon can only hope that by midnight, when the contest is set to take place, most participants will have had too much to drink to remember it. You write your names on the list, and Sunghoon likes seeing his name in your handwriting so much he almost wants to take a picture.
âThere you guys are!â
You both turn around to find Jake stumbling towards you, clearly more intoxicated than when he had left you half-an-hour ago. He rests his arms on your shoulders, forcing Sunghoon down to his height and making you stumble forwards from the sudden added weight. âIâve been looking all over for you- Youâre entering the contest?!â
For a split second, Sunghoon is scared heâs going to get scolded by Jake for trying to hit on his sister, but surprisingly, itâs you he narrows his eyes at. âY/N, what are you roping my little Hoonie into?â
Sunghoon groans, face perpetually red at this point. Leave it to Jake to make him seem like a total loser.Â
You frown at your brother. âIâm not roping your little Hoonie into anything.â Sunghoon wants to bury himself alive. âWe agreed on doing it together. Right?â you ask, turning towards Sunghoon and batting your eyelashes at him. It makes him feel a bit better.
He turns back to Jake. âRight. Weâre just joining forces to crush the competition.â
Jake scoffs. âAs if.â He snatches the pen from your hands and underlines his name as well as Kazuhaâs, the girl he came with tonight, three thick black lines that almost erases the names underneath them. âYou canât beat the hockey player and cheerleader combo.â
âThose arenât even costumes, you guys are a hockey player and a cheerleader,â you protest.
âSo?â Jake simply retorts, more attitude in his tone than he would have were he sober.
âSo, that defeats the whole purpose of a costume contest.â
Jake knocks on your cowboy hat, and you immediately put it back in place, glaring at him. âAs if Barbie was the greatest costume ever. Whatever, letâs just play beer pong so I can defeat you guys twice in one night.â
âYouâre on, Sim.â
âYouâre going down, Sim.â
Sunghoon had just been watching your back-and-forth amusedly when you grab his hand, leading him to the side of the table opposite Jake. His fingers tingle under your touch, but just like that, itâs gone. Heâd rather keep on holding your hand than play this stupid game, but he isnât opposed to taking Jakeâs ego down a notch, either. The boy can barely stand straight, anyway, so it probably wonât be a very tough match.
Some guy he doesnât recognize in a striped black-and-white referee t-shirt fills most cups with beer and a couple on each side with shots of vodkaâheâs so earnest, Sunghoon isnât sure whether heâs just taking his costume-slash-role very seriously or if he has genuinely been hired to look over the beer pong matches of the night. Some order in the brutish world of college parties, Sunghoon guesses.
Minjeong, Yunjin, Chaewon and Jay appear then, exchanging a quick look at the sight of you and Sunghoon together. The two former join your team, while the two latter join Jakeâs, as well as other people that Sunghoon vaguely recognizes from other parties. But by the simple action of getting behind him, they become his most trusted allies for at least this part of the night.
Youâre a terrible shot, but Sunghoon makes up for it by scoring almost every round. In his defense, he only misses when you come up close to him and whisper in his ear which cup he should go for. Your breath tickles his (oddly sensitive) ears and the combined scents of the strawberry and lemonade on your tongue and your delicate perfume make his head spin. He can barely think straight, so his aim is naturally thrown offâother than that, he makes Jay drink a healthy amount of beer. He almost feels bad for his friend, but heâd arrived late at the party and needed to quickly catch up with everyoneâs level of ebriety anyway.
When the opposite team is down to their last cup, a lightning bolt of luck strikes you, and your ball disappears straight into the vodka-filled cup that Jake now has the honor of downing.Â
Sunghoon gives you no time to celebrate, to gloatingly pump your fists in the air and point a mocking finger at your brother, because as soon as you make the shot, he wraps his arms around your waist and lifts you off the ground. When youâre on your feet again, you spin around to find a proud-looking Sunghoon beaming down at you. You burst into giggles and high-five him, your palms perfectly clapping against each other, and he threads your fingers together. A current of electricity rushes through him, and for a second, he swears itâs just the two of you in this packed room.
The moment is cut short by the loud cheers of the others on your team as they shake your shoulders and raise their hands for you to high-five them too. Minjeong flips the other team off and Yunjin has to go hug Chaewon and reassure her itâs nothing personal. Itâs really quite easy to make college students happyâor devastated.Â
You raise your eyebrows at Jake, whoâs busy glaring at you instead of accepting his defeat and taking his shot. With a begrudging sigh, he tips his head back and drinks the vodka in one gulp, the cheers doubling in volume when his face scrunches at the bitter taste of the liquor.
âDonât act so proud,â he scolds you. âSunghoon carried your team.â
âMaybe, but she made us win in the end,â Sunghoon retorts, putting an arm around your shoulder.Â
Jake scoffs, frowning at Sunghoonâs hand placement before eye-rolling his gaze away. âWhatever.â He slides his phone out of his back pocket and smiles as he shows the two of you his screen. âWould you look at the time? The contest is starting soon.â Then, with an accusatory finger pointed at you, adds, âYou may have won this battle, but Iâm winning the war.â
He stomps away, presumably to find Kazuha before the contest starts, and itâs your turn to eye-roll at his dramatics. You grab Sunghoonâs hand that hangs off of your shoulders, and together, make your way through the crowd again to the garage, where the contest is taking place. All the alcohol heâs been drinking has definitely started kicking in by now, and he finds himself giggling at nothing with you.
When you reach the threshold, still hand in hand, Sunghoon stops so abruptly behind you that you almost stumble. You look back at him, then follow his gaze towards the garage and the sheer amount of people in there. Worriedly, his eyes take in every single one of the contenders. You let go of his hand and stand in front of him, placing your hands on his shoulders and putting on a determined expression. Youâd almost look like a parent reassuring their kid before their first day of kindergarten if you werenât so much shorter than him. âDonât even worry about them, Sunghoon. We look better than anyone here.â
His eyebrows crease. âThereâs like, three other Barbie-Ken couples here. Some of these costumes are so original. And do you see their makeup? Is that even possible?â he asks, staring at a couple in scarily realistic cosplay of Simon and Jeanette from Alvin and the Chipmunks, fur and all. He canât look at them for too long without getting chills.
You shake your head. âAlmost everyone here is either a hockey player or a⊠hockey-affiliated person. Youâre the beloved and talented defenseman of the team and Iâm the star playerâs sister. Theyâll love us,â you say with a smile, watching the worry dissipate from his features.
âWeâre like nepo babies,â he whispers. His lips break into a grin when your eyebrows furrow in confusion. âI donât know how nepotism works,â he admits, smiling wider when you burst into laughter. âHow do you know if Iâm talented, anyway? You havenât seen me play yet.â
Your eyes rake him up and down appreciatively. âI took a wild guess.â
Not unlike a cartoon character, Sunghoon audibly gulps. As a hockey player since his most tender age, and dare he say, a pretty good-looking guy, he is used to girls flirting with him, and he is even hit sometimes by the occasional lightning strike of confidence that allows him to flirt back (he still canât believe he managed to call you âa distracting sightâ without spontaneously combusting). But thereâs something in your eyes, in your smile, in the way you talkâsomething about you that has his breath hitching and his heart racing. He doesnât know if he wants to run away and hide in a corner or kiss you right then and there.
Heeseung, the captain of the hockey team, announces into a microphone (which Sunghoon wonders where they got the money for) that the contest will start now, so he can neither kiss you nor run away. Instead, he follows you to the side of the room where all the contestants, including Jake and Kazuha, wait for their names to be called out. There are so many participants, it takes way longer than Sunghoon would like for the two of you to step onto the makeshift stage. Judging by the looks on the audienceâs faces, everyone is surprised to see you and Sunghoon togetherâthe hockey community at your university may be big, but everyone knows everyone, and gossip travels fast. No one had seen you and Sunghoon together before, for the obvious reason that you hadnât even met before tonight. But you could be sure that by tomorrow, as silly as it sounds, word will have gone around that you and Sunghoon had participated in a couple costume contest together.Â
At least, you give them something of substance to talk aboutâas you and Sunghoon pose on stage, wearing your brightest smiles to please the crowd, you stand on your toes and press a kiss to Sunghoonâs cheek. Sunghoonâs eyes burn a hole in the side of your face but you just watch as the audience of drunken 20-somethings goes wild over something as simple as a peck on the cheek. Jake is the only one booing.Â
Sunghoon is still in shock when the next couple is called forward and you have to step off. His cheeks are redder than before and he canât quite meet your eyes. Apparently, he also goes wild over something as simple as a peck on the cheek. You nudge his shoulder. âSee, I told you theyâd like us.âÂ
He feels like a fourteen-year-old for it, but Sunghoon canât stop thinking about your soft lips against his cheek, so much so that he barely says a word as the three judges deliberate. If you notice the sudden change in his behavior, you donât comment on it, perhaps chalking it up to nerves. Heâs glad for itâhe doesnât know if he could handle being teased about it, especially from you. Although heâs not sure he wants you to think heâs the kind to stress over a last-minute Halloween costume contest.Â
In the end, you donât win. He suspects it was a rigged contest all along: the couple in the unimpressive Edward and Bella costume are friends with one of the judges, probably leading to their anticlimactic victory. At least it isnât Simon and Jeannette who win, or Kazuha and Jake, even less original than the winners. Anyway, Sunghoon couldnât care any less. With your hand in his as you walk back to the main room in search of your other friends, he feels like the biggest victor of the night. He doesnât even mind it when his teammates tease him about his costume and how good the two of you look togetherâthe smile you shoot him makes putting up with it worth it. He tries to think straight, but between the alcohol and your proximity, he feels like youâve cast a spell on him.
Jake stumbles into your group, three drinks drunker than when Sunghoon last saw him, enthusiastically reporting that a game of spin the bottle is about to start in one of the rooms upstairs, because what every college party needs is a middle-school game to shake things up. None of the guys seem particularly interested until Jake reveals that the cheerleaders are playing.Â
Sunghoon looks down at you, laughing when he sees your mildly disgusted moue. âDonât feel like playing?â
âNot really, no.â Your eyes linger on his face. âThereâs only one person here I want to kiss, anyway.â
All capacity for thought leaves Sunghoonâs brain. He just stares back at you blankly, lips slightly agape, willing himself to say something but also terrified that whatever leaves his mouth might make him seem like the biggest loser ever.Â
You couldnât possibly mean himâbut did you? Was he the person you wanted to kiss?
As these questions resound through his head, your gaze drops to his lips. Thereâs his answer.Â
His heart beating wildly in its cage, Sunghoon decides to do one smart thing tonight and leans in, slowly but surely closing the gap between the two of you. Then a sudden vibration in the back pocket of his jeans zaps through him like lightning and he jumps back, as if startled out of the trance you had put him in. Shame flooding his cheeks, he checks his phone; itâs the stupid alarm he set himself earlier to make sure he doesnât get home too late. Midnight, Cinderella-style.Â
You scratch the back of your neck as your eyes dart around the room. For the first time tonight, you look embarrassedâSunghoon is in disbelief at how pretty you look even then. âI, um,â he starts, clears his throat. âI have this thing tomorrow morning, so I canât stay too longâŠâ he says guiltily.
He doesnât want to get his hopes up, but he swears that what he sees on your face is disappointment. It makes him want to take it all back, to stay here with you for as long as you want and forget about tomorrow morning.Â
âOh, right,â you say, nodding. âThatâs fine. What thing?â
âOh.â Sunghoon turns an impossibly deeper shade of red, further resembling the strawberry syrup the more he gets himself in these embarrassing situations with you. âJust⊠choir. I go to choir on Saturday mornings.â He looks down at his feet like heâs just revealed a secret, shameful part of himself.
You burst into laughter, and Sunghoon is scared for a second that youâre making fun of him, and his feelings are a lot more hurt than they should be by someone he just met. Although, to be fair, you donât feel like someone he just met.
âThatâs so cool! It must be such a nice change from all the dudes on the hockey team,â you say, a sweet, curious smile on your lips. Like you mean what you say. Like you might want to know more.
Sunghoon thinks he just fell in love.
He chuckles. âYeah. Definitely a nice change. As much as I love hockey, itâs nice to do something calmer, you know. And I like singing. And the cakes the local grandmas bring.â
âSo thatâs what itâs all about, really.â
âYep, you caught me.â Sunghoon still feels the almost-kiss lingering, a tension between the two of you that has him on edge. He feels like heâs just missed his bus because it left a minute earlier than planned. The opportunity is gone, and he would definitely mess everything up, trying to kiss you now. So instead, he decides to leave. Whatever must happen, will happen, even if itâs not tonight. You have the same friendsâthis is definitely not the last time you will see each other. âWell, I should probably head. I have to be up at eight tomorrow.â
âOh, wow. The choir grandmas donât play around.â
âThey really donât.â
âWell, see you around then,â you say, a clumsy laugh falling from your lips as you wrap your arms around Sunghoonâs neck, bringing him into a tight but short hug. You also smell good, he notes to himself. Of course you do.
âSee you, Y/N.â Just as heâs about to turn away, you wrap your hand around his wrist.
âWait. Sunghoon?â Heâs only half-surprised at the immense relief he feels to hear his name on your lips. Like you, too, didnât want to part with him just yet.
âYeah?â he says, wishing the hope and anticipation arenât too obvious on his face.
âWhereâs that choir of yours?â
--
When Sunghoon arrives at his neighborhoodâs community center, ten minutes before nine a.m., youâre already there. Despite the seven hours of sleep under his belt, he feels like he couldâve done with three more, and the singular cup of instant black coffee he had for breakfast was both atrocious and useless. But your smile has the restorative effect of two Red Bulls and a power nap. You look surprisingly bright, like you either managed to get a very good nightâs sleep or are just the biggest morning person to ever exist.
He hugs you when he reaches you on the sidewalk, tighter than he probably should, but you return it. You smell like fresh soap and sugar. The two of you exchange quick greetings before he leads you inside the center.Â
âI made some cookies as well.â You point to your tote bag and Sunghoonâs jaw slackens.
âYou had time to bake?âÂ
âKazuha made me take JĂ€gerbombs, so I felt crazy when I got home. I thought it wouldnât be fair on the old ladies if they did all the work.â
Sunghoon laughs. âTheyâre going to love you.â
You follow Sunghoon up two flights of stairs and into a spacious room with a wooden stage. Thereâs a snacks table on one side of the room that is almost fully decked with plates and tupperwares of all sorts, and although their contents remain covered by tin foil or lids, the coffee and hot water pots are free to use. Most of the chairs are stacked on each side of the room but a few have been put in the middle, the grandmas sitting and chatting there waving at Sunghoon as the two of you walk in. There are about fifteen people in the room so far, most of them older ladies, but not only. Thereâs a dad that came with his daughter, a couple of teenagers, and a few other adults. Itâs quite an eclectic mix, and Sunghoon loves it.
Minjeong is here, too, which Sunghoon realizes he forgot to say until he sees the sheer confusion of finding someone you know in an unexpected place on both of your faces. She walks towards you, suspicious eyes darting between you two.
âHey,â she says only to Sunghoon before turning to you, arms crossed over her chest. âAnd what are you doing here?â
âHi, Minjeong, so nice to see you too!â
âI invited Y/N,â Sunghoon says quickly, although you did technically invite yourself. For some reason, he feels the need to defend you, even though he knows you and Minjeong have been friends for years now, and Minjeong is just always this blunt.
âI didnât know this was the choir you went to,â you say to Minjeong.
âOh, this?â She looks around the room. âItâs only the choir Iâve been going to since I was a kid. Youâd know that if today wasnât the first day you showed interest in it, ever.â
âI came to your concerts!â
One of the old ladies calls Sunghoonâs name from the snack table, and he is glad for the diversion. âRight. Iâll let you guys talk this out.â A hand on your shoulder, he smiles down at you. âIâm gonna say hi to the ladies over there. Be back in a minute.â He shoots Minjeong a look as if to say, Be normal.Â
As he approaches the small group, one of them asks very loudly if youâre his girlfriend. They all burst into giggles, blushing and eager-eyed like theyâre sixteen rather than sixty. Sunghoon would be endeared if you didnât look so alarmed and Minjeong so horrified, both of you looking at him before turning back to each other and getting into a very heated and secretive discussion. He is bombarded with a hundred questions: what your name is, where youâre from, how did the two of you meet, are you together? No? But youâre so pretty! And heâs such a nice boy! He answers all of their queries to the best of his ability while checking that your conversation with Minjeong hasnât turned physicalâyour arms are now also crossed over your chest, and you look annoyed while she looks like sheâs accusing you of something, but at least, punches arenât being thrown.Â
Thankfully, itâs only a couple more minutes until the conductor calls for everyone to gather on stage, and a weight is lifted off of Sunghoonâs shoulders once the ladiesâ collective attention is no longer on him. He isnât sure where they came from, or why theyâve decided to make the choir rehearsal their hang-out spot, but there is always a group of women who sit there and knit while chatting quietly or listening to the songs, and they are sometimes joined by children whose parents are part of the choir but donât want to sing themselves and apparently have nowhere else to go. Sunghoon had been so excited at the prospect of having you come see him that he hadnât thought of how boring this might be for you, sitting with sixty-year-olds for two hours, listening to an amateur choir go through scales and sing corny romance balladsâtheyâre rehearsing for a wedding theyâve been hired to sing at. But as the minutes go by, his worry dissipates when the delighted smile on your face hardly falters. He canât imagine that his choir is that good, but you genuinely look like youâre having a nice time, and it makes Sunghoon stand a little taller, sing a little louder. Your eyes are on him for most of the time, and he blushes every time your gazes meet, but he still canât keep himself from looking away from the conductor to check on you every few seconds.  Â
Once rehearsal is over, everyone gathers around the refreshments table. When you tell Sunghoon that he looked good out there, he stuffs his mouth with banana bread to stop himself from blurting out something stupid. Your cookies are a hit, and so is everything elseâSunghoon would be more than happy to watch you eat as many baked goods as you possibly can and chat with the grandmas, but he has something to ask you. Without thinking much, he wraps his fingers around your wrist, gently pulling you away from the table and towards him. The question that was at the tip of his tongue fades as soon as you meet his eyes, looking up at him like a deer caught in headlights, cheeks stuffed with brownie. Youâre so cute that words fail him for a second, and when he notices the proximity between the two of you, takes a small, bashful step backwards. You glance at his hand still around your wrist, and he withdraws it like heâs suddenly been burned.Â
A playful smile grows on your lips. âEverything alright?â
He scratches the back of his head. âYeah, yeah, everythingâs fine. I just, um, well. Thereâs a bus that takes us from right across the street directly to the beach, if youâre, um, if youâre interested. In going. With me. If you want.â
Your eyebrows cock in surprise, and Sunghoon thinks heâs messed it all up. You shoot Minjeong a quick, worried glance, then seem to think for a second. But when you look back to him, your smile is soft. âThat sounds nice.â
An hour later, youâre running around together on the beachâor rather, Sunghoon is running around, and after five minutes of watching him with a smile on your face, heâs convinced you to run around with him. Youâve both long discarded your shoes and socks, jeans scrunched up to your mid-calves, grins so wide, your cheeks start to hurt. The wet sand is hard under your feet and the water cold against your skin. Sunghoonâs t-shirt sticks everywhere you sprayed water on him, and he knows putting his shoes on later will be a whole ordeal, but it doesnât bother him. Even the gray September sky feels brighter because youâre standing with him underneath it.Â
The water-splashing battle quickly has you both out of breath, and Sunghoon is ready to call a truce when you spot something behind him, gasping and running towards it. He turns around to find you picking up a bunch of sandcastle-building toys that mustâve been left behind by some kids. âI havenât built a sandcastle in such a long time, this is so exciting,â you say, excitement written all over your face.Â
As much as he loves seeing the glint of childish amusement in your eyes, Sunghoon keeps looking around in case the owners of these toys might appear out of thin air. âI feel like thereâs something immoral about this,â he says, and you stop stacking sand into one of the toys to look at him with a confused frown. âArenât we technically stealing from some kids?â
âSunghoon. If those kids really cared about these plastic toys, they wouldnât have left them here.â
âWhat if they come back for them?â
âThen weâll give them back. Weâre not monsters.â Thatâs all it takes for Sunghoon to give in. He helps dig trenches around the towers you build, carving out small windows on them and apologizing profusely when he accidentally pokes too hard into one of them, destroying half of it.Â
The second he notices you shivering, Sunghoon is on his feet, unwrapping the scarf around his neck and laying it like a blanket over your shoulders. âIâm going to get us something warm to drink. Iâll be back in a minute!â he announces before you can even protest, and practically runs to the nearest cafĂ©.Â
He only leaves you and the slightly pathetic-looking sandcastle alone for a minute, quickly coming back with two take-away cups of milky Earl Grey tea and a brownie that he couldnât help himself from buying. The moan you let out when you bite into it, gooey, sweet chocolate sticking to your teeth, goes straight down Sunghoonâs spine, but he tries not to let his thoughts get too carried away.
âGood, right?â he asks, laughing when you nod fervently. When you laugh too, itâs a sound so sweet, it rivals the decadence of the brownie. âI sometimes make the trip all the way here just for this.â
âI thought Iâd be done with sweets after this morning, but this is so good.â
âBetter than Bertaâs banana bread?â
âOh, a hundred percent,â you say, covering your mouth with your hand as you speak. âSorry, Berta. Iâll be thinking about this for the rest of my life.â
Sunghoon hopes youâll remember him as the boy whoâd introduced you to those brownies, if nothing else.
The two of you are silent for a little bit, but itâs a comfortable silenceâsomething Sunghoon didnât know was possible with someone heâd just met. This was something he loved about the sea: it allowed for some quiet. The crashing of the waves against the shore, the calls of the seagulls, the dogs barking after themâit all meant he didnât need to fill the space with needless chatter. He could look out at the peaceful water, you by his side, and just enjoy the moment.
âIâm still so amazed whenever I come to the beach, no matter how many times itâs been.â Sunghoonâs voice is quiet when he speaks, lower than usual. It sounds a lot more intimate than he means it to be. You turn your head to look at him, silently asking him to go on. Thereâs a small smile playing on his lips, a twinkle in his eyes as he watches the water. âThe town I grew up in is right in the middle of the country, so the sea is like, a five-hour drive. There was a lake nearby, but it was nothing compared to this. It might sound silly, but being from somewhere where everyone knows each other, I never realized just how big the world was until I came here and saw the sea for the first time.â
âYouâd never been to the sea before coming here?â you ask, surprise clear in your voice.Â
He shakes his head. âMy hometown isnât far from the mountains, so itâs a huge tourist spot both in the winter and in the summer, which meant my mom had to work even when my sister and I were out of school and could actually go on holiday. Weâd go visit my grandparents and aunts when we found the time, but that was it.â He meets your gaze, a smile playing on his lips at the thought of his hometown and his family. âThis is the furthest Iâve ever been from home.âÂ
The corners of your lips raise into a smile too, matching Sunghoonâs. âAnd how has that been going?â
He sighs. âItâs okay. I miss my mom and sister like crazy, of course, but they FaceTime me so much that I barely notice it. And anyways, itâs also nice to be on my own. Discover another part of myself, and all that.â
âFor sure.âÂ
Thereâs a slight shift in your expression that Sunghoon catches onto, a falter in your smile and a hint of sadness in your eyes. He doesnât want to force a topic that you donât want to talk about, so he just gently eggs you on, in case all you need is a small push.
âWhat about you? I think Jake mentioned you guys growing up around here, only an hour or so away.â
At the mention of your brother, the smile returns to your eyes. You take a deep breath and think for a bit, but eventually, you start talking. Although Sunghoonâs eyes are on you, you keep yours trained on the sea. âYeah, we did. We live just up the coast, so we were always hanging out at the beach. In a way, itâs nice having the sea here as well. Itâs like-I donât know.â
âLike having a piece of home even when youâre away?â
Your gazes meet for just a second, the surprise clear in your eyes, but as quickly as it came, itâs gone, and you turn away from Sunghoon once more. âBasically, yeah.â A sardonic smile appears on your lips. âAlthough the constant reminder isnât always appreciated.âÂ
He tilts his head. When you donât say anything further, he flicks some sand onto your hand and asks you what you mean by that. He looks at you with curiosity and kindness only, eager to know more about you, to let you know that you can open up to him, that he wonât judge you, but careful not to overstep any boundaries either. It seems to work.
âIt might sound stupid, but back home, the beach was a place I could go to when it all was a bit too much, you know? Like an escape from everyday life. Where I could forget about all of the pressure on my shoulders.â Sunghoon hums, and you take another deep breath. âI donât know if you and Jake talk about this sort of thing, but⊠our parents are barely nice when we do well, and pretty awful when we donât reach their expectations. So we were like, constantly having to outdo ourselves just for them to say, âKeep it upâ, or something like that. And if we did something wrong, wellâŠâ
You trail off, but Sunghoon knows what you mean. âYeah, Jake said they barely spoke to him anymore because he decided to play hockey instead of becoming, like, a doctor or something.â
You smile, but itâs humorless. âYep. They send him money, and he comes home for a bit over Christmas and summer break, but thatâs it. Iâve gone home by myself sometimes and they wonât even mention him, itâs insane.â
âHe also doesnât talk about it a lot.â
âI know. Iâm always the one to bring it up. I know itâs a sensitive topic for him, obviously, but I still find it amazing how well he deals with it. But me⊠despite everything, I still need their approval, you know?â you ask, and Sunghoon nods.
âThat makes sense.â
You sigh. âI guess. And Iâm obviously not becoming a doctor like them. Not a medical one, at least. It took a year of convincing them that doing the degree Iâm doing was okay. âCause at the end of the day, itâs still me filling in my university applications, and they canât actually force me to go to medical school, but I still wanted them to be proud of me. Even if I study languages.â Itâs quiet for a few seconds as you both look out at the waves crashing against the shore. When you start talking again, you look down at the sand, picking it up and letting it filter through your fingers. âSo, yeah. Jake got a scholarship here, and I didnât wanna be too far from home, so here we are. Weâre so close to home, the sea I went to when I needed a break in high school and the sea I go to now are one and the same. And now it reminds me of my parents rather than making me forget about them.â
âIâm sorry for bringing you here,â Sunghoon says. âI didnât thinkâŠâ
You cut him off with a smile. âItâs okay. Now Iâve created new memories. Nice ones. And you know⊠wherever I am, itâll be at the back of my mind. Itâs up to me whether I let it affect my life or not.â
âLetting go of these things is never easy,â Sunghoon offers. âYou also canât blame yourself if it does affect you sometimes.â
When you look at Sunghoon, your eyes darting back-and-forth between his like theyâre searching for something there, he feels himself tense up slightly. He canât read you at all, has no idea what youâre thinking even as you smile and say, âYouâre right.â Even as you silently link your pinky with his, gazing down at your hands with a small smile. He hadnât realized how cold his hands were until this small touch, so small yet able to spread warmth throughout his entire body. When he speaks, he canât bring himself to meet your eyesâheâs still so focused on where your hands touch, too aware of the skin of your finger right against his. Such a small, innocent touch. He canât even begin to understand why it means so much to him.
âFor what itâs worth, I think what youâre doing is super cool,â he says. âIâve always been so shit at foreign languages, let alone dead languages. And packing your bags and going abroad for a year, not everybody can do that. Becoming a doctor might be hard, but it also takes a specific kind of person to do what you do. And what Jake does. Itâs all valuable.â
âNow, if you could say that again while I record you to show my parents, please,â you say, making him laugh.
âItâd be my pleasure.â
âWhat about you?â you ask him after a small pause. âI canât be the only one who trauma-dumps on the first date.â
Sunghoonâs breath hitches in his throat. He hadnât even dared entertain the thought that this might be more than a platonic hang-out in case he was crossing a lineâbut youâve just called it a date. With just a few casual words, youâve changed the entire meaning of the hours youâve spent together. He hopes you canât tell how flustered itâs made him.
âWell, thereâs not much trauma to dump, really. Sorry.âÂ
You giggle. âDonât apologize. Thatâs a good thing.â
Now that youâve just opened up about your parents, Sunghoon is scared that telling you about how good of a childhood he had might come off as insensitiveâbut you smile softly at him, holding his hand face-up in yours, tracing the lines of his palm with the tip of a finger, and he starts talking. âSo, it was just me, my older sister and my mom growing up. My dad died when I was 2.â
âOh, Iâm sorry.â
âItâs okay. It is a bit sad that I donât have any memories of him, but everyone who knew him said he was a great guy. And my momâs had this boyfriend since I was like, 10? Heâs the one who got me to start hockey. So it hasnât been that bad.â
âYour mom must be really strong.â
Sunghoon smiles. âShe is. Sheâs amazing. To raise two kids on your own while grieving and not royally fuck up is⊠well, amazing. Sheâs always been so supportive of us, no matter what we wanted to do. My sister did well at school, but I wasnât so good. I never really enjoyed it, but sheâs never made me feel bad about it. She didnât mind that all I wanted to do was hit a puck around.âÂ
âAnd youâre pretty good at hitting that puck around, arenât you?â
âIâm not so bad,â Sunghoon says, chuckling along with you. Heâs about to go on, but he is cut off by a raindrop hitting his hand, then another one; before either of you know it, your clothes are soaked through. Sunghoon takes his denim jacket off, using it as a makeshift umbrella for the both of you as you run towards the nearest awning, shaking with giddy laughter until you forget about the chilly rain and the clothes sticking to your skin. When it doesnât let up for another few minutes, Sunghoon suggests catching the bus back, and you agree.Â
The heating on the bus is set on low, but itâs enough to warm Sunghoon up as soon as he steps onto it. You sit at the back in a corner of your own, multiple rows away from the other people onboard. The two of you are relatively quiet, lost in your own thoughts until Sunghoon, after much internal deliberating, takes one of your hands in his and interlaces your fingers together. You look up at him, but he doesnât return your gaze, eyes fixed on the window to hide his shy smile and the blush slowly staining his cheeks. To his surprise, you squeeze his hand and rest your head on his shoulder. He freezes for a second, unsure how to react to your reciprocated affection, but he makes himself relax into your touch, and starts brushing his thumb back-and-forth on the back of your hand. The sudden storm has made day turn to night a little earlier today, and with the quiet hum of the bus, he finds himself on the edge of sleep for the whole rideâthe only thing keeping him awake is his booming heart.
The bus is nearing his stop when the buzz of his phone in his back pocket jolts him awake. You lift your head from his shoulder, massaging your neck as you fish your phone out of your own pocket. Sunghoon, more intrigued by you than by whoever has texted him, watches as the brightness of your screen makes you wince. Once youâve read the text, you turn towards him, sleepy eyes and sleepy voice as you ask him whether heâs seen âthis,â referring to a text from Chaewon. dinner at our flat tonight!!! come whenever. bring drinks.Â
âOh, I forgot she was doing that tonight,â you say through a yawn.
Sunghoon chuckles. âDo you have enough energy for it?â
âI always have enough energy for Chaewonâs cooking.â
You and Sunghoon make a pit-stop at a grocery store to buy two bottles of white wine and the hummus Chaewon likes, then head to your flat. Naturally, questions are asked when you and Sunghoon arrive at the exact same time, but before Sunghoon can explain that you spent the day together, Minjeongâs head pops out of the kitchen door, and she asks whether you ran into each other downstairs. Chaewon is only looking at the both of you, waiting for an answer, so she doesnât see the very pointed look Minjeong gives you, as if to say Agree with me or else. You quickly glance at Sunghoon then say, âYeah, we just arrived at the same time.â When theyâve both turned away, you tell him in a hushed tone that youâll ask her about it later.Â
The girls are busy in the small kitchen and Chaewon insists that they donât need any more help, so you and Sunghoon bring two chairs by the kitchen door and sit as Yunjin catches the four of you up on the most recent drama in her Law cohort. Jay arrives twenty minutes later, but it isnât another hour before Jake shows up with the excuse that he was taking a nap.
âSomeone would think you donât sleep at night, with the amount of naps you take,â you say.
âOh my God, I miss when you werenât here,â Jake replies, flicking your forehead before promptly plopping himself down on the couch. âI was so hungover when I woke up. I had to sleep it off,â he explains as he grabs four cans of beer from his backpack.Â
Chaewon always makes a point to ask how everyoneâs spent their day, but today, she unfortunately starts with Sunghoon, so he doesnât have any time to come up with anything believable other than the truth, which is exactly what he doesâand when Jay asks, What, to the beach by yourself? under Minjeongâs heavy gaze, he has no choice but to say yes. He isnât sure why itâs such a big deal that you spent the day with him, or why it needs to be kept a secret, but there must be a reason. Heâll find out later. When itâs your turn, you look straight into Sunghoonâs eyes as you say you spent the day at the library but didnât get much work done. Everyone ignores Jake when he exclaims Boring! and Chaewon swiftly moves onto Jay.
But you donât.Â
Your eyes stay on Sunghoon, unflinchingly watching him, expression unreadable, and he finds himself unable to look away, even as he feels his face heat up and his stomach flip. Then you smile, a satisfied smirk like you got what you wanted, and shift your gaze to Jay, whoâs going on and on about the first six episodes of Lost he binge-watched earlier and wondering why nobody had told him about this âmasterpiece of a showâ before. Sunghoon is too busy thinking about the way youâd looked at him and pondering all the reasons for it to listen carefully. He watched Lost when he was fourteen anyway.
All throughout the evening, as the seven of you eat Chaewonâs pasta dish (which she made entirely from scratch, and is probably one of the best things to have ever graced Sunghoonâs taste buds), drink, talk, and afterwards, play card games, every glance between you and Sunghoon feels like a secret conversation that only the two of you are privy to. No one except for Minjeong is aware that you spent the day just the two of you until nowâand even she doesnât know what it is you did. Within a day of knowing each other, you already share memories that are yours and no one elseâs. Sunghoon is giddy with the knowledge, heart skipping every time your eyes meet, no matter how fleetingly. When youâre all saying goodbye, it takes everything in him not to hug you for an awkwardly long time and to tear himself away from you.Â
He can hardly fall asleep that night.
--
For the entirety of the year you were gone, Sunghoon could only nod and smile while the others bemoaned your absence or commented on how much more fun itâd be if you were here (even Jake, after enough wine spritzers, would admit to missing you). He understood that the group dynamics might feel different to them without you around, but this particular set of people was all he knew, so he never minded it. It reminded him of people telling him how sad it mustâve been growing up without a father, trying to be empathetic, when he didnât know how he could miss something he never had.Â
But now that youâre here, he gets it. You add something to the group that he canât quite put his finger on. Itâs in your affectionate gestures towards Chaewon and Yunjin, in your shared sense of humor with Jay (which no one else seems to find funny, save for Sunghoon, sometimes), in your bickering with Minjeong and downright arguing with Jake. Itâs a hackneyed expression, but you do light up a roomâat least in Sunghoonâs opinion, you do. In your presence, everything feels not only more lively, but also more cohesive, like you were the missing piece of a puzzle. Like a historic work of art that has been returned to its rightful owner.Â
Sunghoon just finds himself drawn to you, at times unable to keep his eyes off of you, and the only things keeping him from making a move are his inherent shyness and the eyes of your friends. He doesnât want to mess up the friendship he has with anyone from the group, least of all Jake, just because he canât keep it in his pants. He thought of Yunjin and Chaewon, how their relationship had gone smoothly from the beginning and posed no problem to the dynamic of the group, but he had no idea if this was replicable between you and him at all.
If he had to be honest, a big part of him was also just afraid youâd reject him.
Getting a read on you is hard, which doesnât help. Itâs been three weeks since the gang reunited, since that party where you met. The first semester of his second and your fourth year started a little bit over a week ago; Sunghoon sometimes worries that you think there is some big age gap between you and that you see him as a kid, even though, admittedly, two years is not such a huge difference. In those three weeks, there have been many encounters which could be seen as cases of flirting between the two of youâSunghoon has noticed every single one of them and replayed each an embarrassing amount of times in his head. A hand carefully posited on his shoulder; prolonged eye contact; jokes whispered in his ear at a crowded house party; knees lightly touching at first, then pressed together during movie night. None of it ever fails to make Sunghoonâs heart flutter. You could breathe in his general direction and itâd make his heart beat fast enough to worry a cardiologist, so when you smile at him, itâs a small death every time.
And so he dares hope that his interest isnât one-sidedâalthough most of the time, he is so stuck between thinking none of it means anything and thinking every single thing you do is a sign that you like him, that he rarely knows what to think. And whenever youâve paid him enough attention to make him believe itâs not all in his head, you do something that proves him wrong. Watching you interact with other people, he realizes that you keep good eye contact with everyone and that youâre just as touchy and playful with all of your friends. At parties, you hit it off with new people and catch up with old friends without so much as a hint of awkwardness. He watches as you talk to other guys, the same smile that has been making him weak for the past three weeks, directed towards them and not him. Sunghoon assumes youâre either really nice to everyone and oblivious to the fact that it could be seen as flirting, or you just flirt with everyone.Â
In that sense, the two of you are complete opposites. Sunghoon, whose entire friend group hangs on the fact that he befriended Jay, who knew Jake, who knew you, Minjeong, Yunjin and Chaewon. Sunghoon who has spoken to maybe half of his hockey team outside of the locker rooms and the occasional party. Sunghoon who, outside of his usual friend group, has managed to make three other friends on his own in the year heâs been at university, because they had been put in a group project and magically hit it off enough to upgrade from classmates to friends.Â
Then thereâs you, who has to stop every thirty seconds at a party to say hi to someone you know. You, who still keeps in touch with the friends you made in a foreign country, even those who spoke broken English. You, who didnât make Sunghoon feel like his crippling shyness was a problem when you first met.Â
He doesnât understand how everyone who meets you doesnât instantly fall in love.Â
Or maybe they do, and heâs just one of many vying for your heart.Â
Tonight is one of the nights where all he can do is watch from afar as you interact with another man that he desperately wishes was him. With your lower back against the kitchen counter, drink in hand as you laugh with that other guy, eyes never leaving his face, it almost looks like someone has copied your time with Sunghoon at the costume party and pasted it onto this post-hockey game party. All youâre missing is a bright pink cowgirl hat and boots to match.
And yet, itâs his team jacket over your shoulders, his name and number on your back. Sunghoon shouldnât feel nearly as jealous as he does.
So he does what any good friend would do, and blames Jay for reasons completely unwarrantedâeven now, days after receiving his advice, and hours after taking it, Sunghoon still canât help but regret involving him at all.Â
Initially, Sunghoon hadnât wanted to tell anyone about his growing feelings for youâheâd thought that if he pushed them away and kept them to himself, theyâd go away on their own. But clearly, they didnât, seeing as how his stomach always twisted in nervous excitement at the prospect of seeing you and how he could never get through a conversation with you without blushing. So, quicker than heâd like to admit, heâd given in and told Jay about the day youâd spent at the beach and how felt about you now, thinking it was some big shameful secret that would render his friend flabbergasted.Â
That was his first mistake.Â
Jay wasnât impressed. âYeah, itâs been pretty obvious, dude,â heâd said through a mouthful of cheeseburger. It was after hockey practice, and they were sitting in the burger joint near the ice rink that had some of the best student deals in town. Jake was going on a Hinge date, and Sunghoon had lured Jay in with the promise of free food (Jay wanted to go home and game, but all Sunghoon needed to do to convince him was to say âIâll pay for itâ).Â
âObvious? How obvious? Does everyone know? Does Jake know?â Sunghoon asked, growing more agitated by the second.
âJake is possibly the worst room-reader that has ever lived, so no, I donât think heâs caught on. But the rest of us know. I mean, you look at her like a twelve-year-old with a crush on his English teacher,â Jay said, unceremoniously cramming fries into his mouth.
Sunghoon ignored the slightly humiliating remark, still preoccupied by the fact that he hadnât been as discreet as he thought he had. He leant in towards Jay and dropped his voice to a whisper, even though the restaurant was practically empty, save for them and a group of rowdy middle school boys who were definitely not paying attention to them. âDo you think⊠does she know?â
Jay dropped his fist on the table in sudden annoyance, causing Sunghoon to jump back in his seat. âNow youâre acting like a twelve-year-old.â Before Sunghoon could defend himself and argue that heâs being completely rational, Jay launches into a surprisingly moving monologue. âItâs fine if you like her, thereâs nothing to be embarrassed of. Everybody feels attraction towards other people, everybody gets crushes, itâs no big deal. Just talk to her. Worst case scenario, she doesnât feel the same way, and you both move on, because youâre adults.â
Thereâs nothing worse than a friend being right about something you absolutely donât want to hear. Sunghoon did feel like he had been carrying a horrible secret around, but Jay was spot-on: crushes are a very common, very human experience. And yet Sunghoon managed to feel like he was the only one who had ever had to go through this torture. âYou say that like itâs easy,â he said, sulking.
âIt is easy. Youâre making it hard.â
âSo what, your advice is just to confess to her?â
Jay rolled his eyes. âSee? Youâre saying confess like itâs some sin you have to repent for. Yeah, just tell her.â
âJust tell her,â Sunghoon repeated, looking at his friend like he was crazy. Jay just took another bite of his burger.
âYeah, dude. Itâs not even like youâve known each other for a long time, so thereâs no risk of ruining a friendship, or anything.â
âBut do you even know if she feels the same way at all?â
Jay shrugged. âShe hasnât mentioned anything,â he said, and Sunghoonâs heart dropped in disappointment. âBut itâs Y/N, sheâll be cool about it. And who knows, she might actually see something in you, for some godforsaken reason.â
Jay laughed at his own joke, and Sunghoon afforded him a chuckle. They moved on to other topics, but later, as they waited for Jayâs bus to come, he couldnât help himself. âDo you think Jake will mind? If something happens with Y/N and me?â
Jay thought for a second. âI think heâd be more upset with her than with you, what with everything that happened with Heeseung... But knowing him, he probably wonât care as long as you arenât weird in front of him.â He puts a hand on Sunghoonâs shoulder and shakes it gently. âDonât let that stop you from making a move, okay? Youâll cross that bridge when you get to it.â His bus came then, so Sunghoon couldn't ask for more details about this Heeseung situationâhe knew that there had been something between you and him which hadnât ended particularly well, but no one ever really talked about it so he didnât dare bring it up. All he knew was that it had been significant enough for Jay to mention it now, and for Jake to seem bothered every time it was mentioned.
He put all of that out of his head for the time being. In a way, he had just received Jayâs blessing; even if it scared him shitless, he could make a move. Perhaps not something as straightforward as Jay was suggesting, but something, at the very least.Â
The first major hockey game of the season was that coming Friday. Sunghoon had an idea.
The morning of, he shot you a text. He tried to make it sound as nonchalant as he can, so that you wouldnât know he spent close to an hour deleting, writing and pouring over a singular sentence. Can you meet me in front of the locker rooms 30 mins before the game?Â
That was his second mistake.
You replied twenty minutes later, twenty minutes that Sunghoon spent questioning everything that had led up to this moment.
yn.sim iâll be there!!
You even got there five minutes early. He was waiting for you, all decked out in his hockey uniform, save for the gloves and protective headgear. He was anxiously chewing on gum, heart doing somersaults inside his ribcageâa grin found his lips as soon as you appeared around the corner, the sight of you alleviating his nerves for a second, then doubling them when you came close. âHey,â he said, voice soft and slightly trembling.
âHey,â you simply replied, a smile on your face to match his as he took you in his arms. It was a hug that lasted a second longer than it should, but that also ended too early for his liking.
âUm, I only have a second, Coach will be wanting to give one of his pep talks,â he said when you separated. One quick glance back at the locker room doors behind him, then back at you. The tips of his ears burnt, and he couldnât stop his eyes from furtively darting between your face and the floor. But heâd come this far, so he couldnât back out now. He just had to get it over with. âHere,â he blurted out, holding out the letterman jacket he had been hiding behind his back. You grabbed it, eyeing him with amused suspicion at first, but surprise spreaded over your features as you unfurled the jacket.
âYour team jacket?âÂ
He couldnât tell whether you were amazed or horrified. You stared wide-eyed at the jacket, at its dark green sleeves, at the four letters of his last name and the huge number 8 embroidered onto the back. Your surprise faded back into what he thought â what he hoped â was excitement as you looked at him. He scratched the back of his neck, feeling his face flush red. âYeah, I just, you know⊠Itâs the first big game of the year, and I thought itâd bring me good luck if a pretty girl was wearing my nameâŠâ he explained, repeating the words heâd practiced over and over, voice turning into more and more of a mumble as he spoke. He had planned on speaking with more confidence, but now, the fact that he could speak at all felt like a miracle.
A light giggle spilled out of your mouth. Sunghoon immediately took it for mockery and regretted every decision that had led him here. âSorry, it was a silly idea, you donât have to wear it if you donât like it,â he said, reaching for the jacket. But you were quicker than him, hugging the thick bundle of fabric to your chest as you now beamed at him.
âAre you kidding? I love it,â you said, shrugging off your jacket and replacing it with his.
First, relief flooded his body, then pride and excitement â as you spun around and showed the jacket off â at seeing his name on your back, and his attempt at making a move being successful. At least, he thought it was clear what he meant by giving you his jacket to wear at his gameâhe could only hope you understood. âWell⊠Iâm glad.â Your eyes met, and you both chuckled softly, gazes holding each otherâs for a second too long.Â
Two weeks ago, Sunghoon still wouldâve been able to convince himself this was a fluke; that this was just another one of his crushes that a gentle breeze could blow away. Because after all, when Sunghoon fell in love, it usually went as quickly as it came. But at that moment, in front of the locker rooms, his mind solely on you and not the opening game of the season, he realized this was something else entirely. And whatever it was, he hadnât felt it in a good long while.
He was terrifiedâbut infinitely excited, too.
âOkay, I should probably head back in now,â he forced himself to say, but made no move to go.
âOkay.â
He paused. âWill you be cheering me on?â
Your smile widened. âOf course.â
He nodded slowly, upper body starting to turn away but feet still firmly planted on the ground. âOkay.âÂ
Another second passed, and just as he was about to actually walk away, you grabbed his hand. Before he could compute what was happening, you lifted your head and pressed a small kiss to his cheek. His hand was still in yours when you took a step back, and for once, it was you who looked sheepishly at the floor. âFor good luck,â you explained. He had no time to replyâyou were already walking away, only looking back once to wave and shoo him in the direction of the locker room. He chuckled and nodded, but waited until you were out of sight to head back into the locker room.
Inside the locker room, everyone was too focused on getting their head in the game to notice his giddy smile. Your lips had been warm and soft against his cheeks, a welcome repeat of that time at the costume party, but the quickness of it all had only made him want more. From that very first night heâd met you, the question of how your lips would feel on his had scarcely left his mind. This brought him a step closer to getting an answer, but also made his curiosity grow tenfold.
Thankfully, by the time his coach gathered them around for a last minute pep talk, heâd managed to put the distracting thoughts of you out of his head, at least temporarilyâheâd need to play well, for himself and his team mostly, but impressing you was also a priority.Â
As the captain, Heeseung said a few words. He reminded the team of how important this match was and went over the main strategy points. For the time being, Sunghoon was able to forget about his arguably unfounded resentment against the older boy and whatever it was he had to do with you. This was not the time for jealousy over someone he had no right to feel jealous over.Â
A few minutes later, his members and those of the opposing team poured out onto the rink for warm-up. Sunghoon searched the crowd for your faceâwhen he found it, you were already smiling wide and waving at him. His heart did something funny, but Jay punched his shoulder pad and he remembered what he was there for. He could get lost in the eyes of a pretty girl later, specifically when heâd destroyed the other team and shown her how good of a hockey player he was.
Every now and then as he skirted around the rink and did his stretches, he stole glances at you. They didn't last long, because every single time, youâd already be looking, as if your eyes never strayed from him. Knowing you were watching made him nervous at first, but by the end of warm-up, mainly because he didnât have much of a choice, heâd turned those nerves into an ever stronger will to do well.
The moment the referee blew the whistle, and for the hour that followed, Sunghoon was locked in on one thing and one thing only: winning. He was only competitive when it came to hockeyâhe didnât care about dying in an online battle game or losing to Jake at beer pong, but once he was on the rink, he had to win. Pride surged through him and filled every crevice of his aching limbs whenever he or one of his team members scored, and the feeling that came with a victory, with hugging his teammates in celebration or hearing the crowd cheer for them, was like nothing else heâd ever known. The other side of that coin meant that any loss was a tremendous disappointment. Getting beat at an important game could put him in a week-long funk. His sister had once carefully hinted at his self-esteem relying too much on his hockey performance, and although his first reaction had been to dismiss her, he knew she had poked at some truth there. But what could he doâon particularly lonely nights, he truly thought hockey was all he had going for him.Â
To his overthinking nature, becoming so single-minded the second the whistle blows was a relief, a break from the stress of daily life. He didnât have to worry about his next deadline or about what the guys on the team thought of him or about the inevitable phone call to his mom asking for more money for groceries. It was respite from the thoughts surrounding you that plagued him: how you felt about him, how you might react knowing what he felt for you, how Jake might react. Why Minjeong hadnât wanted you to say anything that evening, but why Jay had told him to just go for it. Heeseung, whom he had to respect as the captain and an undeniably talented player, but also as someone who had had something to do with you, whether good or bad. All of it had been wildly bustling around Sunghoonâs mind, but once on the rink, all he had to concern himself with was the puck and getting it in the opposing teamâs goal.Â
And Sunghoon did just thatâhe scored the first goal of the game, another one in the second period, then a third during the eleventh hour, breaking the tie between the two teams. He smiled right at you after each one, just to make sure you had seen everything. He couldnât quite describe how it felt to see you clap and cheer for him, jumping up-and-down, forming a megaphone with your hands around your mouth and yelling, âGo Sunghoon!â all while you wore his jacket. It was a separate kind of pride and satisfaction from the sort heâd get seeing anyone else cheer him on, for sure.Â
The other team put up a good fight, getting in a few goals of their own and protecting their side well, but in the end, thanks to Sunghoonâs goal, it was his team that won. He took his helmet off and got his hair ruffled by half of his team, then shook hands with the other team, trying to contain his boastful smileâsome ice hockey players flew off the handle very quickly, and starting a fight was the last thing he wanted.
Kids and local fans huddled by the barriers on each side of the playerâs tunnel to get an autograph or a picture. People around here were weirdly attached to their university sport teams, and the athletes on teams that did particularly well â namely football and rugby â were sort of local celebrities. Their ice hockey team wasnât quite at that stage yet, but they were placing better nationally with every year, and so the local interest had grown. More kids had started signing up for lessons, and their parents often brought them to home games. As Sunghoon chatted with men twice his age and took selfies with ten-year-olds, he tried to find you in the crowd, to no avail. Heâd been hoping for a thumbs-up from you for a game well played, or even a hug, but you were nowhere in sight.
It wasnât until half-an-hour later, after saying bye to all the fans that had waited after the game for them, listening to Heeseung and their coach congratulate them (but also remind them to not take anything for granted), showering and changing, that he got to check his phone.
chaewon we going k-bbq! u guys played well see u later at da party!!!!
Disappointment only had a second to sink to the bottom of his stomach. Heâd barely finished reading the text when he was hoisted up by the shoulders. Two of his senior teammates, Soobin and Beomgyu, marched him towards the exit. âWe are getting you wasted tonight, Park,â Beomgyu announced, a wide grin on his lips.
âI have a good feeling about this season,â Soobin added. Sunghoon looked back to find Jay and Jake simply shrugging and laughing at him.
Indeed, the second they got to the dorm where tonightâs party would be taking place, a beer was thrusted in his hand. It was only 7 p.m., still light outside, but that didnât stop the team nor their friends that had come to the game. They sipped beer like it was water, so much so that two hours later, when the party started to grow, Sunghoon was already quite inebriated. It didnât help that his cup was never empty for too long, and that he had the reassurance of being in his own dormâit was the closest student building to the ice rink, and so was one of the prime spots for hockey parties. He could get as drunk as he wanted â or as Beomgyu wanted â and still get home in less than a minute.Â
He somehow ended up in the corridor, part of a nonsensical conversation about candle-making with two guys he had recognized from one of his Phys Ed classes but could not for the life of him remember the names of. One had shared that candle-making was a big hobby of his, and it had made Sunghoon and the other unknown man lose their mindsâSunghoon had never realized how curious about candle-making he was, but he couldnât stop asking questions. It sounded great. Maybe heâd have to pick up candle-making, too.Â
Eventually, he headed back to the kitchen for a new drink. For the nth time this evening, he thought of texting you, then immediately thought against it. He wanted to know when youâd get here, but he didnât want you to know that he wanted to knowâalthough as the night deepened and his intoxication rose, he could remember less and less why that would be such a bad thing. He stepped into the kitchen, and going from the brightly-lit corridor to the dark kitchen with flashing neon lights made him so dizzy that he made a beeline for the couch, needing to sit down for a second.
And that was when he saw you.
Lower back against the counter, talking with a guy heâs never seen in his life. You look like youâre having funâsmiling, laughing, keeping eye contact with that guy. Youâre still wearing his jacket. It should probably reassure himâhis name is literally on you, what does it matter that youâre speaking to someone else? But instead, all he can think is that wearing his jacket must mean nothing to you. What was basically a confession from him seems to have fallen on deaf ears.
His friendsâ words over the past year come back to himâhow much you flirt with people, how it wasnât a rare occurrence for you to go home with a guy after a party and never speak of him ever again. Was this what was happening here?
He knows itâs unreasonable, but in his drunken state, he takes it as a betrayal. Like he canât believe you havenât read his mind, figured out how he felt about you, and decided to give special attention to him and him only. Heâs only able to take it for so longâtwo minutes later, he trudges out of the room, walking right past you but not looking your way.
His new mission is to find his friends, but before heâs done much searching, he hears his name being called out. Of course, he recognizes your voice immediately, but he doesnât quite believe it until he looks over his shoulder, and there you are, face glowing and smiling wide. Youâve clearly had a few drinks, but he likes to think youâd be just as happy to see him if you were sober. He turns around to face you, watching as you narrow the distance between the two of you. Heâs not in a much better stateâthe simple thought that you had come after him makes him forget any sort of resentment he held against you a second ago. When you reach him, he holds on to one of your arms, as much an effort to stabilize his swaying body as an excuse to touch you.
âHey,â he simply says. Heâs always at a loss for words around you, so scared heâll say the wrong thing that he ends up barely speaking at all. Heâs only sober enough to know that with all the cheap beer and vodka running through his blood, his odds of making a fool of himself are even bigger.Â
âHey. I was wondering where you were.âÂ
âYouâre the one who came late.â
âI know!â you exclaim. âI wanted to come right away, but Chaewon was hell-bent on getting her Korean barbecue.â
âShe does get cranky when she hasnât had pork belly in a while.â Sunghoon feels like heâs just won the Nobel Prize when you let out a laugh. âWas the food good at least?â
âIt was amazing. So worth getting here late,â you joke.
He rolls his eyes playfully. âI see how it is.â Then, before he can stop himself, he adds, âThen we should go there together next time.âÂ
Your smile changes, turning from cheerful to surprised, but amusedâalmost mischievous. You take a step forward. Sunghoon gulps; the gap between the two of you was narrow to begin with. âAre you asking me out on a date?â
Usually, this type of straight-forwardness would have him stuttering, but drunk Sunghoon is a man sober Sunghoon barely recognizes in the morning. âYeah. I am. Is that okay?â
You nod. âMh-hm.â
âNice. Okay.â For a second, you just look at each other. Another thing about drunk Sunghoon: he doesnât feel like prolonged eye contact will make him spontaneously combust. He actually quite enjoys it. He also stumbles, even when all heâs doing is trying to stand straight. âYouâre still wearing my jacket,â he eventually says, reaching out to take the end of your sleeve between his fingers.
You stretch out your arms and appraise the team jacket as if you only remembered you had it on. âYeah. Itâs comfy.â
âIt looks good. You look good.â
âYouâre not quite sober, are you?â you ask suddenly.Â
âIs it that obvious?â When you nod, he giggles, lowering his head in defeat. âThe guys made me drink so much.â
âYou did score three goals after all. And you looked good doing it.â
At the praise, he stands up to his full height and places his palms behind his head in a victorious pose. âI did, didnât I?â he says, looking off in the distance with a self-assured look that makes you burst into laughter. He drops the confident facade and laughs along with you, until somebody bumps into him and sends him stumbling forwards. If you werenât standing there to catch him, heâd probably have fallen flat on his face. But even though he doesnât fall, he feels all the alcohol catching up to him and threatening to come right back out where it came from. You hold him for a second, and just as you ask him if heâs okay, he says, âI think Iâm gonna throw up.â
You sigh. âOkay. Whereâs your room?âÂ
Arm under his shoulders, you let Sunghoon lean most of his weight on you as you guide him towards the elevator. Itâs just one floor, but you said you didnât want to risk the stairs with him. âHey, who was that guy with you in the kitchen? That guy in the striped shirt? You guys seemed real chummy back thereâŠâ he mumbles as you help him out of the elevator. Even on the verge of sickness, Sunghoon is preoccupied by more important things.
âOh, that was Jaemin.â
âJaemin,â he echoes, more venom in his voice than needed.
You look at him, taking in his disgruntled expression, and chuckle. âYeah, heâs having some problems with his boyfriend. He asked me for advice.â
Sunghoon almost freezes in his tracks, but youâre there to keep him walking towards his room. âOh. He has a boyfriend.â
âYeahâŠâ He can tell you want to tease him about it, but thankfully, you say nothing. Heâs made it clear he had gotten jealous of your gay friendâno need to spell it out in so many words. Once you reach his studio (which heâd stupidly left unlocked), he heads straight for the bathroom, locking himself in, half out of embarrassment, half because he really doesnât want you to see him throw up. Talk about a turn-off. He leans over the toilet bowl, waiting for the vomit to rise, but nothing comes. He waits, and waits, mind completely empty, head spinning even though heâs sitting very still, when suddenly a knock on the door pulls him out of his stupor.
âSunghoon? Itâs been ten minutes. Everything okay?â
He doesnât say anything, just unlocks the door for you. Without realizing, he fell asleep like a bored teenager in math class. âAll right,â he hears you say.
Heâs surprised youâre able to carry him out of the bathroomâif he was a deadweight before, by now, rigor mortis has practically set in. Despite his small student room, crossing it takes you an entire minute, and when you reach his bed, you all but let him flop on the mattress. He doesnât mind. As soon as his body hits the bed, he feels quite snug, curling against his blanket. You start to unbutton his shirt, probably just thinking heâs already fallen asleep and wanting to make him more comfortable, but your fingers freeze when he starts giggling. Shoulders shaking with unbridled laughter, he feels as delighted as a five-year-old who just said a naughty word and made all his drunk relatives laugh at the family dinner.Â
âI know I looked really hot tonight, but can we wait until Iâm sober?â he asks, slurring his words slightly and keeping his eyes shut, despite the shit-eating smirk on his lips. You hit him on the chest but it just makes him laugh more.
âBold of you to assume Iâd still hit when Iâve just had to peel you off your toilet seat.â He lets you finish helping him out of his button-down.Â
âWouldnât you?â he asks. He tries to look at you, but his eyes donât quite open all the way, and they donât focus properly, due to a strong mix of alcohol and inappropriate thoughts. Of you, specifically. His body feels suddenly very heavy, his want for you weighing him down into the mattress. The room is dark, your face illuminated only by the light in the bathroom and the glow of the street lights outside. You always look pretty, but your beauty is especially breath-taking right now, Sunghoon thinks. He wants to reach out and touch your face, wants to trace your jawline and know what your skin would feel like against his fingers. He doesnât realize heâs actually doing it until he hears you inhale shakily.
The expression in your eyes is unreadable, and quickly gone, replaced by an annoyed squint. You grab his wrist gently, setting it back down next to him. âIâm gonna make you some ramen. You need to sober up, and you havenât had dinner, have you?â
Sunghoon shakes his head. He feels rejected, and it makes him inordinately sad.
For five minutes, he watches as you rummage around his cupboards for a pack of ramen, fill a pot with water and bring it to a boil. His thoughts float back to your day at the beach, memories that heâs preciously held onto for the past few weeks. You running around on the sand, opening yourself up to him and letting him open himself up to you, holding his hand on the bus. That day, heâd really thought it would be the beginning of something new; but as time passed, he became less and less sure of himself. Heâs scared it mightâve just been a fluke, and that heâd have to destroy the castle heâd built in his head. Heâs seen you almost every day since, but itâs never been the same. And even if your eyes met unexpectedly sometimes, or if you went out of your way to sit next to him during movie nights, he canât let himself go on with so few signs. Jay was rightâhe had to be clear about his feelings, otherwise this would go on forever. Even if it didnât feel like it, the Earth would continue spinning on its axis if you didnât reciprocate.
âIâve missed you.â
You pause in your movements. âMissed me? But weâve seen each other every day,â you say after a few seconds, still facing away from him. Your voice is softer than heâs heard it before, almost unsure of itself.
âNo,â Sunghoon whines, frowning. He can barely keep his eyes openâhe wishes you could read his mind so he wouldnât have to explain, but alas. âI miss youâthe you from the beach. When it was just me and you. Itâs not the same with the others around.â
Silence falls over the room again. Sunghoon wonders if youâre just going to ignore what he said, until you take a deep breath, and walk back to his bed. You crouch in front of him and take both of his hands in yours. Electricity flows from where your hands touch to the rest of his body. He suddenly feels a lot more awake.
âItâs just the two of us now,â you whisper.Â
Sunghoon nods. âI know. Itâs nice.â
You smile. It might be the alcohol playing tricks on him, but Sunghoon swears thereâs a hint of sadness in your eyes. One of your hands comes up to his hair. You thread your fingers gently through it, pushing it away from his forehead, then bring your hand down to the side of his face, your palm cupping it tenderly. Sunghoon lets himself lean into your warm touch. With his eyes closed, the darkness surrounding him makes this feel like a dreamâhe basks in the moment so as not to let a second of it go to waste.
âDo you wanna do something just us two this week?â you ask softly. His eyes shoot openâhe needs to be sure this is really happening. He nods again, fervently this time, and it makes you chuckle. âOkay.â
âJust us two?âÂ
âJust us two.â
He relaxes once more. He guides your hand towards his mouth and presses his lips against your palm. Something shifts in your eyesâSunghoon thinks the opportunity to finally kiss you has arisen, but as soon as his gaze drops to your lips, youâre back on your feet. âLetâs eat some ramen, shall we?â you ask as you head back towards the kitchen. Sunghoon tries his best (and probably fails) to not let his disappointment show.
Thereâs no dining table to speak of, only a low table near Sunghoonâs bed, on which you set down a wooden board and the steaming pot of spicy noodles. You hand him a pair of chopsticks and a spoon, and tell him to eat. Neither of you say much for a while, and Sunghoon grows redder and redder under your watchful gaze. He asks if you want any a few times, but you always turn him down. The silence quickly gets a little too unbearable for him, and heâs got a question burning the tip of his tongue anyway. Nowâs as good a time as ever to ask it.
âSomethingâs been bugging me recently, actuallyâŠâ You wait for him to go on. âSo, at the costume party, right?â You nod. âYou said there was only one person you wanted to kiss⊠Did you mean me?â
You tilt your head, looking at him like youâre trying to figure out whether heâs joking or not. âYeah, Sunghoon⊠I meant you. Who else?â
Heâs only half-relieved. âSo why wonât you kiss me now?â
To his surprise, you smile. âBecause youâre drunk.â
Confusion fogs Sunghoonâs brain. Is that all youâre worried about? Is his blood alcohol level the only thing stopping you from kissing him? âBut I-Iâm fine. I give you consent to kiss me, Y/N.â Heâs dead serious, so when you laugh, it only frustrates him further.
âFinish your food, Sunghoon. Weâll see about kissing later.â
He sighs. Later he could deal with. âFine. But Iâll hold you to it, okay?â he says, pointing a menacing chopstick at you.
âOkay.â
But Sunghoon canât keep quiet for longâten seconds later, heâs remembered another question heâs been dying to ask. He continues drinking his soup in an attempt to appear nonchalant. âSo what happened between you and Heeseung?â
The question takes you so off-guard, you look like you wouldâve done a spit-take had you been drinking water. âThatâs-you know about that?â
âWell, not much, thatâs why Iâm asking.â
You scoff. âWhy do you want to know? Itâs boring.â
At those words, Sunghoon whips his head up to look at you. âItâs not boring!â he exclaims, perhaps a tad too vigorously. âAnything that has to do with you is interesting to me.â
Finally, the corners of your lips rise. Sunghoon hated the ten seconds in which you werenât smiling. âWell, there isnât much to say, anyway. We had a thing when we were in second year, I caught feelings and wanted more, and he didnât. The end.â
Sunghoon freezes, staring at you with his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth agape. He then sets his cutlery down neatly next to the pot of ramen and clasps his hands together like heâs in a business meeting. âSo youâre telling me that he had the opportunity to make you his girlfriend and he just⊠didnât?â
You shrug. âBasically, yeah.â
He hits the bedsheets next to him, huffing out in annoyance. âWhat an idiot.â
âHe sure is,â you say. You smile to yourself as you grab Sunghoonâs spoon and try some of the broth. He wonders whether anything lies behind that smile. âBut it happened a while ago. Donât be weird with him on my account. Heâs still your captain.â
Sunghoon thinks for a second. âCan I side-eye him once in a while? Or not pass him the puck during practice?â
âSure,â you reply, laughing. You swiftly move on to other topics as Sunghoon slurps the last of his noodles, asking him about the beginning of the party and just how much his teammates made him drink. Heâs recounting the shot contest they held, which Mark won with an impressive seven shots of tequila in a row â Sunghoon hopes the boy is okay now â when your phones buzz at the same time. Minjeongâs name appears on your screen, Jayâs on his, both asking where you are.
âShould we head back now?â you offer, although Sunghoon, wishfully perhaps, detects a trace of reluctance in your voice. âYou look like youâve sobered up a bit, seeing as youâre able to string more than two sentences together.â
âI wasnât that bad!â
âI shouldâve filmed you.â
Itâs one a.m. when you head back down, and the party is in full swing. Pop music blasts through someoneâs JBL speaker in the shared kitchen, the hallways are more crowded than the subway at rush hour, just as full of hockey fans celebrating their teamâs win as students who just wanted an excuse to party, and every window is open to alleviate some of the stuffiness. They probably have another hour left before the dorm residents who decided not to join in the festivities call campus police on them.
Sunghoon is relieved to find that Jake is off with other team members, reaching levels of drunkenness that will most definitely be regretted in the morning. Technically, he hasnât done anything wrongâhe simply let you nurse him back to sobriety after he almost regurgitated his pre-game protein bar and three beers all over your nice shirt. Chaewon and Yunjin are busy making out in a corner, their lack of decorum only increasing when theyâve been drinking, but Jay and Minjeong eye you suspiciously upon seeing the two of you arrive together. You explain what happened so casually that they donât question it any further.
Chaewon and Yunjin only tear themselves off of each other when a BeyoncĂ© song starts playing, and they drag all four of you to the makeshift dancefloor, which is really just three meters away in the middle of the kitchen. Sunghoon is practically all sobered up by now, but heâs loosened up enough not to feel self-conscious with every step he takes; the fact that you look so happy, dancing with him and laughing at his silly moves, is a considerable bonus. He wonât drink any more, not wanting to risk embarrassing himself further in front of you, and Jay, as the groupâs self-proclaimed health guru, probably had his last beer around nine p.m., but the girls, each of them with a cup of suspicious transparent liquid in hand, are getting drunker by the minuteâand so is Jake, who has now joined you all on the dancefloor, if his inability to stand straight is anything to go by. Sunghoon assumes youâre also done with alcohol for the night, until you turn to him in the middle of a song no one has heard since 2015 and tell him youâre going to get a drink.
âOkay!â he simply answers, and for a good thirty seconds, basks in the blissful satisfaction of knowing he was the one you informed of your whereabouts. That is, until he realizes a minute later that it was probably a covert invitation for him to come along, which he totally missed. But when he looks over at the counter where all the drinks are, his heart dropsâHeeseung is standing in front of you, pouring gin and lemonade into your cup. A flurry of emotions course through Sunghoon, emotions he has no idea what to do with, because heâs not sure theyâre entirely warranted. Heâs angry that Heeseung is talking to you, after what he did, confused that youâd let him; but mostly, heâs jealous. But he knows itâs only because he has no guarantee that you like him, and that you wonât go off with Heeseung, despite having just talked about how you were over him.
Waitâis that really what you said? You told Sunghoon that what happened with Heeseung didnât bother you anymore, which doesnât necessarily mean you wouldnât go back to him, given the chance.Â
Before he can think it over a second time, Sunghoon heads over to where you and Heeseung stand. He places himself right behind you, reaching for a bottle of Coke on your side and pouring himself a drink.
âOh, hey, Hoon,â his team captain says, clearly surprised to see him there and looking so discontented. Sunghoon canât remember whether theyâve ever been close enough for Heeseung to call him by his nickname. âHaving fun?â
âYep,â he curtly replies, avoiding eye contact with either of you and looking out at the crowd of party-goers instead. He can feel your gaze, heavy on his face, can see the knowing smirk slowly rising on your lips. How was it that you could see right through him so easily?
âToo much dancing made you thirsty?â you ask, taking a drink from your cup and hiding your smile behind it.
He glares at you, more annoyed that his attempt at subtly sussing out what you and Heeseung were doing together was shut down so quickly than anything else. âYep,â he repeats.
âYou guys know each other?â the older boy asks, eyes darting between the two of you.
âJake introduced us,â Sunghoon quickly answers. To his surprise, this makes Heeseung chuckle.
âJay, Sunghoon, me⊠Wow, do you meet all your friends through your brother, Y/N?â he asks jokingly. Immediately, so many alarm bells ring in Sunghoonâs headâthe implication that you and Heeseung are friends, the fact that he put himself and Sunghoon in the same bag, and above all, that teasing, almost flirtatious tone of his.Â
Heâs horrified to find you rolling your eyes playfully and saying, âI have other friends, thanks,â in a tone far too similar. At that moment, Minjeong starts yelling about how much she loves everyone in this room but particularly âyou guys,â pointing to Jake, Jay, Minjeong and Chaewon, and âyou guys, too!â screaming over the music as she points to you and Sunghoon.
âThereâs one of them,â you say, half-amused, half-exasperated. âWe should probably go check on her. See you around, Heeseung.â
âRight. See you, Y/N. Sunghoon.âÂ
Back to no-nickname basis, apparently.
Your groupâs indicator of when itâs time to go home is when Minjeong starts one of her âI-love-my-friends-so-muchâ rantsâif sheâs that drunk, everyone else must be wasted. Indeed, Chaewon and Yunjin are holding onto each other to keep themselves from falling down, and Jake is unable to keep his head up. You, Sunghoon and Jay herd your friends outside and wait for Jakeâs Uber, making sure to get him safely inside and to tip the driver generously for his pains. Jay lives nearby yours and the girlsâ flat, and Sunghoon, ever the gentleman, walks you all home.
âJust âcause you and Jay might need a hand getting these three home,â he tells you. Yunjin, Chaewon and Minjeong are currently running around on the road, pointing and laughing at random shop names, and Jay is yelling at them to get back on the sidewalk.
âMh-hm.â
âAnd itâll be good to completely sober up before going to bed.â
âRight.â
Thereâs no use putting up a front with youâheâs an open book and youâre an avid reader. You donât need to say anything to make it clear that you know itâs just an excuse to spend more time with you.
âYou know, I told you not to be weird with Heeseung,â you say, gently punching him in the arm.
âWas I weird?â he asks, knowing fully well he hadnât acted at all like he usually did around his captain.Â
âYou basically only spoke to let Heeseung know weâre friends. You were making yourself all tall and looking mysteriously out into the distance instead of at us.â
âBut I am tall and mysterious,â he says, pride coursing through him as it always does when you laugh at one of his jokes.
âYouâre probably the least mysterious person I know, Hoon.â
Hoon. How much sweeter that name sounds coming from you over anyone else.
âSo you agree that Iâm tall?â
You roll your eyes, but thereâs a grin on your face. A win is a win. âThatâs just a fact.â
Sunghoon smiles victoriously. âIâll take a fact. But Iâm sorry if I was acting weird⊠I just wanted to make sure he wasnât bothering you.â
âHeeseung is always bothering me,â you say with a sigh. âHe comes up to me like this at every party. Heâs just asking how Iâve been, but itâs like heâs sussing out whether or not heâs still got a chance.â
âDo you need me to beat him up? Threaten him? Dox him?â
Even though Sunghoon was only half-joking, you burst out laughing, hard enough for Minjeong to whip around and shout, âWhat are you laughing about?â as if you had offended her personally. At least Jay is there to make her turn around and focus on walking straight.
âI appreciate the offer, but that wonât be needed. I just donât like talking about it, âcause itâs really not that big a deal anymore. It feels like digging up old bones, you know?â
Sunghoon shrugs. âIâd commit grave robbery with you.â
âYou-what?â
âNevermind. We obviously donât have to talk about it, but Iâm curious.â
You sigh. âI guess itâd make sense for you to know about this.â Sunghoon thinks he sees something like panic flash across your features, but itâs so quick and such a rare expression on you that heâs not sure whether he just imagined it. âYou know-just âcause everyone else is aware of it, and everything,â you quickly explain.
âSure.â
âI just⊠Iâm sure Heeseung is a nice guy when it comes to other things, but what the girls and I have concluded is that heâs a bit of an attention whore, you know. When it comes to girls. We fooled around for a while, and he never made it official, even when I made it pretty clear that that was what I wanted. But every time we saw each other after that, heâd flirt with me like nothing had happened. I fell for it at first and flirted back, thinking he had changed his mind⊠but he really just wanted to make sure I was still into him.â
âLooking for validation,â Sunghoon says.
âExactly. And when I realized that, I stopped giving it to him. I was getting tired of him anyway, saying the same thing every time. But now, I entertain him for a couple of minutes before I walk away. I shut him down before he gets a chance to do it to me.â
âThatâs smart.â
âI know,â you say, smiling. âI understand the need for validation, but he wonât be getting any from me.â
Jay bravely handles the three drunkards the whole way home, letting you and Sunghoon hang behind and carry on talking. You reach the boyâs apartment first, and yours five minutes later. But when you reach your front door, Minjeong announces she needs to talk to Sunghoon. âPrivately,â she emphasizes.
You give Sunghoon an amused look and shrug as if to say âSheâs your problem now.â He doesnât have time to protest before youâve bid him goodnight and disappeared behind the door, Yunjin and Chaewon in tow, yelling good night at Sunghoon like theyâre not going to see him for months.Â
Minjeong places her palms flat onto Sunghoonâs torso and looks right at himâto the best of her ability, at least, considering sheâs having a hard time focusing her eyes. âSunghoon,â she says gravely.
âMinjeong?â
âListen, thereâs something Iâve been wanting to tell you,â she says, slurring her words. âYou know I love Y/N, sheâs amazingâŠâ
âYeah, she is,â Sunghoon says firmlyâalready, he can tell where this is going, and he doesnât like it.
âBut sheâs not the best with relationships.â
âWhat do you mean?â
Minjeongâs hands drop by her sides and she exhales deeply. âIâve just never seen her in a committed relationship in the-in the almost four years Iâve known her. She never lets things get serious. Sheâs just so afraid of being hurt, Hoon, and I-âÂ
A hiccup escapes Minjeongâs lips as tears start pooling in her eyes. Sunghoon has only ever seen Minjeong cry when drunkâeven movies that had him sobbing barely made her eyes water. Even if she isnât in her right state of mind, he knows it means this must be important to her. He holds her arms and tries to put on the most reassuring tone he can. âBut I wouldnât hurt her.â
âNo, I know that. Iâm scared youâd get hurt. I donât want things to become weird between all of us.â
Sunghoon shakes his head. âMinjeong, what-that wouldnât happen.â
âBut it will!â she exclaimed. âIf something happens with you and her, and it doesnât work out the way you want it to, itâll make things awkward-â
âIf that happens,â he interrupts, âIâll deal with it. I wonât make it your guysâ problem. Y/N and I are adults, okay?â
âYouâre like, nineteenâŠâ
âYeah, whatever. Donât worry about it, okay? Itâll be fine.â He takes a step back and opens the door for her to get in.Â
Sheâs only on the first stair when she turns back around. âBut, Hoon-â she tries, though he cuts her off.
âMinjeong, I promise-â
âJust donât rush into anything, okay?â
âOkay.â
âAnd donât say I didnât warn you.â
âGo inside.âÂ
She complies, giving him one last look before climbing the stairs to her apartment. Sunghoon closes the door behind her, a heavy sigh leaving his lips.
--
Sunghoon is on his way home from hockey practice when his phone buzzes with a text from you.
yn are you still up for doing something this week?
He almost throws his phone in the air in celebration, as if it was a graduation cap. His Sunday was spent going back-and-forth between lapidating himself for his drunken stupidity, memories, rough as stones, hitting him in the face every time he thought of what he said and how he acted, and congratulating himself for having finally made his feelings for you somewhat clearer. Hopefully, you now know he isnât just awkward and silent around new peopleâwell, he is, but itâs worse with you.
She never lets things get serious.
Minjeongâs warnings echo in his head as he types a positive â although not over-enthusiastic, âcause thatâd be uncool â answer, but he dismisses them easily. Perhaps he shouldnât; Sunghoon is, after all, incredibly serious about any and all romantic encounters. The girl at the grocery store who reached for the same red bell pepper as him was the most serious thing to him in the world for a good ten minutes; all of his school crushes were of utmost importance to him, however long they had lasted.
So this? This is capital-s Serious. But therein lies the problem; heâs so serious about you that heâd let you not make it serious. If Minjeong is right, and youâre not planning on taking this nearly as far as he wishes for it to go, he can already tell heâll just let you. Heâll probably be happy you wanted anything to do with him at all.Â
He has ways of reassuring himself, of convincing himself he isnât a totally lost cause. Because when Sunghoon falls in love â and he had an inkling this was what this was â it usually goes as quickly as it came. Whoâs to say this time next week he wonât have completely moved on? Maybe this date that heâs agreed to will go horribly wrong, youâll be rude to the waiter, youâll spill tomato sauce all over your shirt, and the flame in his heart will be put out. Easy as that.
You decide to meet on Wednesday evening, two days from now. Sunghoon suggests a Japanese restaurant he likes, a place he had gone to with his mom and sister when they had dropped him off at university before his first year, and that he knows is nice enough for a date but wonât burn a hole through his wallet.
Seeing you at the library the day before is a real thrill. Nobody but you knows of your plansâat least not until he caves in and tells Jay about it, who congratulates him with a roll of his eyes and a pat on the head. All of your eye contact feels loaded with the kind of complicity that comes with sharing a secret. As much as he would love boasting about it to every soul whoâd listen, this secrecy electrifies himâit binds the two of you with something much more real than before. At least, more real than Sunghoonâs imagination and one-sided feelings. He knows that your text wasnât in any way a confession of your own feelings for him, but itâs a step in the right direction.
In the few hours before your reservation at seven p.m., Sunghoon spends so much time thinking about the date that heâs almost late for it. He thinks about his expectations, then tries to get rid of them; he comes up with ideas of what your expectations might be, remembers Minjeongâs words, dismisses them, remembers them again; he goes through scenarios upon scenarios of everything that might go wrong and everything that might go spectacularly well. He ends up with less than twenty minutes to get ready, but manages to arrive at the restaurant a minute before you.
When he sees you approaching, Sunghoon feels like one of those boys in Disney movies as they watch their girlfriend coming down the stairs in her prom dress. Youâre not wearing an over-the-top poofy purple dress, but the effect is the sameâhis eyes are glued on you with every step you take towards him.
You grab him by the arm and lead him into the restaurant as soon as you reach him. Heâs too busy taking in your appearance to be bothered by it. âDonât look at me like that,â you chide as you wait for waiting staff to seat you. Heâd actually think you were mad at him if it wasnât for the small smile playing on your lips.
âLike what?â
âLike what youâre doing right now! Youâre staring.â
Realization slowly dawns on him; your gazes have made him lose his composure too many times for him not to know what being flustered looks like. Heâd be lying if the fact that it was you in this tight spot and not him didnât heavily stroke his ego.Â
âWhy wouldnât I? You look beautiful,â he says, dropping his voice to a whisper so that the approaching waitress canât hear. Her presence saves you from responding verbally, but as she brings you to your table, you pinch his arm lightly as if to say Be on your best behaviorâalthough Sunghoon would argue this was his best behavior.
You have trouble making up your mind about the foodâyou want to try everything on the menu. Sunghoon tentatively offers to order a bunch of dishes and share them. âItâs what my family always does at the restaurant, just try as much as you want and take the leftovers to go. We never ate out very often because my mom would spend so much money every time,â he recollects, smiling fondly.
âThat actually sounds like a dream. My parents would never do that. It was always just eat what you got, but Iâm unable to look at someone elseâs food and not want to try it. It honestly should just be common practice to share dishes at the restaurant.â
Sunghoon thinks he could get down on one knee right then and there. Whenever they went out to eat, the boys would roll his eyes at him when he stole bites of their food. But youâyouâre like him. He knows heâs prone to over-exaggeration, but he canât help but feel like if you understand each other on this, you must understand each other at a molecular level.
He had expected a level of awkwardness to your date, at least at the beginning â God knows the moments in which he doesnât feel like a mumbling fool in front of you are few and far between â but to his surprise, everything goes smoothly. There is no uncomfortable silence, all his jokes miraculously land, even the lousy ones, and you both laugh and talk and share sushi and pork cutlets like itâs the most natural thing in the world, which perhaps it is. His attempts at flirting are well-received and he only turns violently red twice when you compliment him and smile at him in a particularly pretty way.
Itâs that day at the beach all over again. Always on the same page, you dip in and out of topics with a synergy he has rarely felt before. Sunghoon realizes it must be the presence of others, rather than you yourself, that makes him feel like he canât act the way he wants to around you, makes him so nervous. Save for the moments where you make his heart flutter like a thousand butterfliesâ wings, he actually feels quite at ease with you, all things considered. Of course, he still tries â and fails â to look cool for you, but he knows it comes from a place within himself rather than because you make him feel as though he has to meet a certain standard. Surprisingly, he can be totally himself, and it seems to be enough for you.
He loves his friends. He wouldnât trade them for the world. But heâs not sure he wonât have moments where heâll wish nothing more than for them all to go away and leave the two of you be.
You eat until you canât anymore and are still left with enough food for another full meal. You only let him get the bill once heâs promised that next time will be on you. If it means thereâll be a next time, heâs more than happy with making that promise. The sun has set when you exit the restaurant. Sunghoon shivers as he steps outside, the temperature having gone down by at least four degrees in the last two hours.
You grab his hand; it warms him right up.
Your apartment is a thirty-minute bus ride away, but Sunghoon offers to walk you home. Anything to spend more time with you.
He spends the first few minutes of the walk worrying about his hand, whether itâs too clammy, whether itâs holding yours right, but he eventually relaxes into the touch. When a particularly chilly gust of wind blows, you drop his hand and hold onto his arm instead, inching closer to him for more warmth. He only drank lemonade with his meal, but he feels blissfully light-headed.
Silence only arrives when you reach your doorstep. You stand in front of each other, Sunghoon looking down at his feet, you gazing out at the empty street. He knows this is the moment where he is supposed to kiss you. If there was a step-by-step guide on how to date â there probably is, but Sunghoon hasnât resorted to such loser-like measures yet â this would probably be the moment where it would be written to just kiss her, you idiot. But nerves get the best of him.
At least, youâre there to save the day. You direct your gaze towards him, a bashful smile playing on your lips. âSo⊠are you gonna kiss me now?â you ask, essentially reading his mind.Â
He reacts immediately. âY-yep. Yes. I am.â Heart racing, he takes a step towards you as he rests his hands on your waist. Then he changes his mind, and brings one hand up to your cheek. Thereâs an eyelash that has fallen below your eye; he brushes it out of the way with his thumb before leaning in and pressing his lips against yours.
In all of his late-night scenarios and daydreams of kissing you, he had never imagined something as good as this. You find your rhythm within seconds. Itâs slow, almost hesitant, yet so tender, it makes Sunghoonâs heart ache. As your lips move against each other in perfect sync, as your hands find their way around Sunghoonâs neck, he realizes he should have known â this will not go away as quickly as it came.
Only when you grab a fistful of his hair, making him react viscerally and wrap his arm around your waist to bring you closer to him, does he remember where the two of you are. He leans back, then almost passes out when you chase his lips and press a shorter but just as sweet kiss there. He commits this view to memoryâthe smile on your lips, the glow on your face, the haziness in your eyes.
âDo you wanna come up?â
âYes,â he replies immediately, and it makes you laugh. You grab his hand and lead him up the stairs and into your apartment.
âAre the girls in?â he asks as you lock the front door.
âMinjeong is at karaoke with her school friends, and Yunjin and Chaewon are at a dinner party somewhere.â
âMinjeong karaokes?â
âGet enough G&Ts in her and sheâll do anything.â
You turn on a small lamp in your room and take off your jacket. Sunghoon has been in your apartment before, but never in your roomâat some point, heâll spend an hour observing every photograph and trinket in detail, asking you about every backstory, but right now, heâs got more important things to tend to. His heart beats uncontrollably as you shut the door to your room and walk towards him, eyes gazing deeply into his. The corners of your lips rise when you tug at the bottom of his sweatshirt, a clear indicator that you want it off. He wastes no time in obliging.
The air is buzzing with electricity when your lips find each other again. Youâre both more confident this time around, and so the kiss is deeper, your touches bolder. Everything happens quicklyâone second, youâre standing in the middle of your room; the next, youâre laying on your bed, Sunghoon underneath you.Â
âYou know,â he says between kisses, âIâd really planned on being a gentleman and not going up to your room after the first dateâŠâ
Your lips move from his lips to his jawline, warm and soft against his skin. Sunghoon closes his eyes and lets out a low hum of approval. âIâm glad you changed your mind,â you whisper, lips brushing against his neck as you speak. âAnd since weâre onto confessions, I can finally say Iâve been wanting to do this since we met.â
This information sends his mind reeling. Not once had he been sure of how you felt about him â he even remembers you saying no to a kiss â and here you are, saying youâve been wanting to kiss him since the beginning, just like he had.Â
âYouâre me,â he replies breathlessly.
âHm?â
âI mean, me too.â
You pause your kisses to giggle, a sound so soft and intimate it has Sunghoon melting impossibly more. âYouâre me?â
Unfortunately, he is too preoccupied by you to put a filter between the weird, half-formed thoughts in his brain and the words that leave his mouth. âDonât question it,â he says, a smile audible in his voice, before moving his head and catching your lips. If he couldnât stop himself from saying odd things, he could at least distract you from them.
Sunghoon thinks heâs doing a good job keeping himself together, until you roll your hips against his. Itâs barely anything, but it sends waves of pleasure and anticipation through his body. His grip on your waist tightens, and when you repeat the motion, his hands sneakily find their way down your back and under your dress. Palms splayed against your ass, he brings you down closer to him. The second you moan into the kiss, heâs a goner.Â
After that, it doesnât take long for clothes to be discarded or for curious fingers to find the otherâs waistbands. Your movements are hasty, messyâthe tension that had built up over weeks of pining for you, after getting close to kissing you twice and thinking about it a hundred times more, it all comes crashing down in this moment, as his teeth sink into the flesh of your neck, as your hands pull at strands of his hair, as your bodies gently bump into each other. If someone asked Sunghoon right now how long heâd known you, heâd say years, not mere weeks. It couldnât possibly be real that this much desire had accumulated inside of him â and inside of you, if your broken moans and rapid breathing are anything to go by â in just over a month.Â
He only slows down when he has you naked and heaving underneath him, reminding himself to savor the moment instead of rushing it. His fingertips graze down your sides until they reach between your thighs, and he marvels at the way his touch makes you shiver. His eyes are so wide with amazement at the sight of you that he probably looks like heâs never seen a woman before, but he canât help himselfâhe always thought you were beautiful, but this is something else entirely.Â
His first touch is hesitant, a slow upward motion of his thumb between your folds as if quite literally testing the waters. But it has you arching your back and gripping his bicep, meeting his eyes to silently plead for more. Sunghoon takes that as his green light, thumb circling your clit as his lips continue their work on your neck, on your face, everywhere they can reach. He slips a finger inside of you, then a second one, and when he is satisfied with the state heâs gotten you in, all disheveled and gasping for air, he replaces his fingers with his dick, rock-hard just from seeing and hearing you.
He slowly inches forward until heâs bottomed out, letting you adjust around him. âAll good?â he whispers, lips moving against the shell of your ear.
âNever better,â you whisper back, smiling. You kiss him, and the tenderness of your lips on his, mixed with the feeling of being inside you, has Sunghoonâs heart constricting inside his chest. He starts rocking his hips back-and-forth into you, the side of his face is pressed up against yours, head light from the little oxygen the two of you share. It all feels oddly intimate for a first time, feels more like the kind of sex two people would have after years of knowing each otherâs bodies. He moves like itâs second nature, thrusts deep and slow, trying to reach those spots that have your hands clawing at his back. He wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him, using his free hand to push the hair that sticks to your face with sweat.
You wrap your legs higher around his hips, the shift in angle letting him go deeper. âFuck, right there,â you say, voice strangled. Sunghoon doesnât need to be told twiceâhe picks up his pace, and already within a minute, starts to feel himself reaching his limit. He tries to muffle his groans against your skin, but with the way your hold on him tightens and your moans go higher in pitch, you seem to be just as close as he is. When you do come undone around him, breath hitching in your throat before you release a heavy sigh, he has mere seconds left in him. A few thrusts later, his orgasm finally releases him from the tension that had been twisting his stomach into a knot for the past half-hour. Youâre both spent, but he continues lazily rocking his hips against yours chasing the last remnants of pleasure, wanting to bask in it just a bit longer. He rolls onto his back after sliding out, wrapping his arms around you. You bury your face in the crook of his neck.
His chest rises and falls as his breathing takes its time returning to normal. In a way, heâs almost relieved itâs over, like any longer wouldâve actually taken too much of a toll on him. He likes the comfort he gets from having you in his arms as much as the sex itself. âI didnât know it could feel this good,â he says, the words spilling out of his mouth before he can stop them. He needs more than a few minutes to get his head back on straight and start thinking before he speaks again. You chuckle airily, he chuckles too, and within seconds, youâre both laughing for seemingly no reason. The bliss of such an intense orgasm and the lack of oxygen must have gone to your brain, too.
âMe either,â you say once the laughter dies down. When your lips find his once more, Sunghoon forgets entirely about his exhaustion and feels like he could go for a second round. âShower?â you ask right when he realizes how sticky and smelly he is.
âYes, please.â
He canât keep his hands off of you in the shower, rubbing soap on every square inch of your skin when you could do it perfectly fine yourself, kissing you even when youâve both got foaming cleanser on your faces. The taste of soap in his mouth is worth the giggles he gets out of you.
Sunghoon reaches heaven when you drop to your knees in front of him, water rushing down his back as you take him in your mouth. Heâs eager to return the favor, of course, thumb flicking your clit with a speed and dexterity even he didnât know he was capable of. If you werenât already in the shower, youâd have needed another one.
As soon as your bodies hit the mattress, you both drift off to sleep, limbs wrapping around each other as though they had been separated for too long and finally found each other againânot to let go again.
--
When Sunghoon wakes up, it takes him a few seconds to realize that he hadnât dreamt up last nightâs events. He reaches a hand out hesitantly, still half-asleep and scared that youâll disappear into thin air at the touch of his fingertips. But noâhe feels your skin, warm and soft, and he knows this is real.
Youâre laying on your side, facing away from him, so he has to strain his neck to peek at your face. You look so peaceful as you sleepâhe doesnât want to wake you up, but he canât stop himself from wrapping an arm around your waist and pressing his torso against your back, humming contentedly to himself. He presses a soft, quiet kiss to the top of your head, just because he can.
Outside, clouds part, and a bright ray of sun shines through the window, landing right on your face. Sunghoon watches as you grumble and turn around, burying your face in his chest to avoid the blinding light, but the damage is doneâyouâre awake. He can tell from the drawled-out whine you let out and the way you grab tightly onto his waist, as if it was his fault the sun had decided to shine right on you.Â
He lets you settle in a comfortable position. Stays still as you hike your leg over his legs, then slip it between them instead; as you press your cheek against his chest, then bury your nose in his neck; as you wrap your arm around his waist, then move it to thread your fingers through his hair, until you give up on falling back asleep altogether. âItâs so bright in here,â you mumble in lieu of a good-morning greeting.
You canât see him, so Sunghoon smiles and tightens his grip around youâone arm circling your shoulders, the other, your waist. Skin to skin. âWe forgot to close the blinds yesterday.â
âItâs okay,â you say, sighing. You press a kiss to the base of his neck, right between his collarbones, then lift your face to look at him. âHow are you feeling?â
This is what it feels like to wake up next to her, Sunghoon thinks. Heâd thought about it so many times: what you would look like first thing in the morning, what youâd say to him, what itâd feel like when your eyes met. If youâd be a slow sort of morning person, cuddling in bed with him until the very last possible second, or if youâd be up and about as soon as you woke up. If youâd be grumpy. If youâd want coffee. If you liked morning sex.Â
It seems to be a recurring theme that Sunghoonâs imagination never quite lives up to reality. Your sleepy eyes boring into his, struggling to stay open, your fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck; your skin, so warm and so soft, your scent, so intoxicating he can barely think straight.
Youâre better than a dream.
âI feel great. Do you feel great?â
âI feel amazing, thank you so much for asking,â you say, burrowing yourself impossibly closer to him.
The two of you stay like this for a while, talking about your plans for the day and begrudging how little you want to go about them. Sunghoon wishes this could go on forever, but then his stomach growls so loudly, his face turns red from embarrassment. He hadnât even noticed how hungry he was.Â
âYouâre me,â you say, laughing, and Sunghoon canât help but join in. âIs it crazy to have last nightâs leftovers for breakfast?â
What Sunghoon hears is that you want him to stay; that you donât want to part ways just yet.
âIf by crazy you mean the best idea ever, then yes.â
âAmazing, because Iâve been thinking about that curry all night.â
âReally? I was thinking about something else,â he says, burrowing his face in your neck and leaving warm kisses there.Â
You hum and lean into his touches, leaning into his touches. Chills run down his spine as your nails graze his sides. âThere mightâve been other things occupying my mind, too.â
And just like that, breakfast is postponed to thirty minutes later.
--
After that night, Sunghoon forgets how to act right.
His mind has never been so singularly taken up by sex in all of his life. It was already preoccupied with you most of the time, but now that it has more material to gnaw on, itâs practically started to eat away at him. It doesnât help that youâve seen each other every day since, or that at every chance you get, you smile knowingly at him or try to get him to play footsies with you. Of course, he loves every bit of attention that he gets from you, but whenever he feels his heart get carried away, Minjeongâs words come back to him in a panic, and he remembers that he has no idea what it is thatâs happening between you and him. You could be stringing him along, for all he knows, or you could be as into him as he is into you and just letting things happen. Unfortunately, just letting things happen was not something Sunghoon was good atâif things werenât written black and white, heâd find a way to overthink even the littlest of details. Like how youâd kissed him for a good five minutes before letting him leave your apartment, otherwise known as the least platonic parting to exist, or conversely, like how youâd sometimes take hours to reply to texts.
If he was already a mumbling fool in front of you before, his condition has only worsened now. He tries his best to be normal and not make you or anyone in the group feel weird, but the fact is that you rocked his world and now he canât look you in the eyes and not remember how it felt when you touched him or the sounds you made or the way you looked. Itâs all playing in a loop in his mind and the only way he knows how to control it is by limiting his interactions with you, which doesnât even work that well.Â
The first couple days, you seem amused by his shyer-than-usual demeanor, but you quickly grow confused more than anything. Sunghoon wonât sit next to you, only speaks to you when necessary, doesnât seek you out outside of a group setting. He tells himself he just needs some more time to be able to be around you casually again, but before that happens, one day at the library, you make a point to ask him if heâll come help you get drinks for everyone from the dispenser machine. He knows itâd be too odd to say no, so he follows you.
He presses the buttons for everyoneâs order (a Sprite for him, Diet Cokes for the girls, a Red Bull for Jake who has a midterm tomorrow and nothing for Jay who only swears by his disgusting herbal infusion) as you lean against the machine, arms crossed over your chest as you stare at him.
He has never felt so awkward in his life.
âSoâŠâ he starts although he has no idea what to sayâhe hopes something will just appear in his mind and that itâll alleviate the tension. However, you seem to have other plans.
âWhat the hell, Sunghoon?â you say, taking him aback. When he glances at you, you donât seem angryâjust genuinely confused. âYouâve been avoiding me like the plague.â
âI havenât!â
âSunghoon,â you say sternly. He gives in right away.
âOkay, Iâm sorry. I just-I didnât know what to do. After we, you knowâŠâ
âAfter we had sex?â you say, then burst into laughter when he looks around the room to make sure no oneâs heard. His cheeks heat up.
âYes, after we had sex,â he whispers.
He pays for the drinks and picks them up. When he looks at you again, your smile has completely died down, and worry has settled into your features. âDo you regret it?â you ask, voice now as low as his. As if it hurts to say the words too loud.
Panic overcomes him, and he almost drops half of the drinks as he shakes his head. âNo, of course not! Iâm really sorry, Y/N, I never meant to be weird about it, I was just trying to wrap my head around everything, and I just⊠Well, I just didnât know what to do. Iâm sorry.â
You nod, taking his words in. âThatâs fine. I get it. I just wanted to say, you know, it doesnât have to change anything. We can still be friends and all. Like you said, it shouldnât make things weird.â
Sunghoonâs stomach drops. He knows youâre trying to make him feel better, but youâve inadvertently said the exact opposite of what he wanted to hear. He doesnât want things to stay the same, or for you to stay friends. For him, things canât go back to normal after that night â whatever normal means for the two of you â and he was foolishly hoping that you felt the same.
But clearly, you want to let the whole thing die and pretend like it never happened. And whether itâs a good thing or not, his feelings for you have grown so much, heâll just let you lead him anywhere. Even if that turns out to be nowhere.Â
So he conjures up the most convincing smile he can, hands you half of the drinks to carry, and says, âYeah, sounds good.â
--
After that conversation, Sunghoon doesnât think anything else will happen between the two of you. You had sex, you talked it out, and thatâs the end of it. But then, it turns out that both of your last midterms are at the same time, in the same building, so you invite him to celebrate with pork belly and some drinks. Sunghoon is finishing his second beer when he starts to feel like heâs on that date again, laughing for no reason, butterflies in his stomach every time his gaze catches yours. You lean on your hand as you listen to him talk about a stupid memory from his childhood and he thinks heâs never seen anyone as pretty as you.Â
The sun has long set when you say, âYou know, itâs Wednesday today.â
Heâs not sure what youâre trying to get at. âYeah?â
âMinjeongâs out at karaoke tonight.â
With these simple words, all the images of you that Sunghoon had finally managed to banish from his mind come flooding back, and he is not even surprised to find himself half-naked in your bed thirty minutes later. So much for staying friendsâone time is one thing, but Sunghoon knows heâll never be normal again after a second time with you.
Itâs not a long time before he finds himself in your room again. Every item of clothing between the two of you is gradually discarded while you kiss, lips growing more impatient with every inch of bare skin uncovered. He reluctantly lets you go when you suddenly giggle and say that you really need to pee, watching as you grab his t-shirt off the floor and put it on, just in case Minjeong comes home. You wear it like itâs yours, like itâs the most natural thing in the world that youâd be wearing his clothes. An indescribable feeling washes over Sunghoon at the sight, so intense he feels tears welling behind his eyes. Like something heâs been yearning for is finally at the grasp of his fingers; like it might slip away at any moment.Â
His feelings mustâve transpired in the way he was looking at youâwhen you meet his eyes, your expression shifts slightly, and you quickly slip out of your room. He tells himself to reel it in. Get it together, he thinks. Or youâll drive her away.Â
A wave of tiredness hits him in the minute that youâre gone, probably due to all that soju and beer. âIâm back,â you whisper, but he doesnât move, only opens his arms wide for you to get back into bed with him. Itâs like a weight is lifted off his heart when he feels you against him again. Youâre back. Your face is fresh, as if youâd splashed it with cold water, but when he slips one of his hands underneath your (his) t-shirt, your skin is still just as warm as before. Far from the fuzzy, tingly feeling he had gotten when youâd woken up together the other morning, now, he feels his desire for you deep in the pit of his stomach. The kind of hunger food couldnât satisfy. âI missed you,â he whispers, voice low and gravelly. He reacts immediately when you squirm against him, tightening his grip around your waist and pulling you to him.
âI was gone two minutes.â
âI mean these past few days. I was starting to think Iâd dreamt you up.â His hand on your lower back sneaks its way up between your bodies until it finds your breasts, cupping one of them with his palm before taking your nipple between his thumb and index, gently twisting. It pulls a half-gasp, half-moan from your throat, and the sound goes straight to his dick. âBut youâre real, arenât you?âÂ
âVery real,â you reply, a tremor in your voice. Heâs barely touching you, and youâre already having trouble breathing. Sunghoon smiles at the idea of him having as much of a hold on you as you do on him.
âGood,â he says, voice so low itâs almost a growl. In one quick sweep, he pushes you down so your back is against the mattress, resting his palms on each side of your head.
Heâs inside you within mere minutes. Heâd wanted to hold back a bit, but you whispering Just put it in after thirty seconds of his fingers loosening you up was enough to convince him. His mind is already fuzzy with remnants of alcohol, and his overwhelming desire for you only makes matters worse. He barely has any control over his movements, rushed and sloppy, but as he drives himself deeper into you, your moans increase in volume. He only later realizes how tight his grip on your hips is when he sees two small bruises forming on the skin there.Â
He comes quickly, probably embarrassingly so, but he canât bring himself to careâheâs got other things on his mind. Heâs not even bothered to discard the condom as he makes his way down your body, lips around your clit before youâve even had the time to register what was happening. You cry out, a sound that Sunghoon works to pry out of you over and over again. Even when your thighs start shaking and you squirm away from him, he doesnât relent. Heâs just as desperate to make you feel good as he was desperate chasing his own pleasure earlier. He hooks his arms around your thighs, bringing you down to him and ensuring that you canât get away. One hand still in his hair, the other clutching the bed sheets, youâve turned your face sideways into the pillow so that your moans come out muffled. He is only satisfied when youâve reached your second orgasm.Â
As your breath slowly returns to normal, Sunghoon makes his way back up your body, leaving a trail of kisses in his wake. You clear your throat of its dryness and burst into soft, quiet laughter. âWhatâs funny?â Sunghoon murmurs, lips against your neck.Â
âNothing,â you say, still laughing. âThat was just really, really nice.â
Sunghoon smiles. âIâm glad,â he says before kissing you, lips moving slowly against yours.
As he lays against you, the top of his head under your chin and your fingernails grazing along his back, a weird feeling overcomes him. Sunghoon is usually a pine-from-afar sort of guy, with at least five instances of hanging out that could or could not be a date before making things any sort of official. The pining has been a constant with all of his crushes. Heâs gotten to the hanging out stage a couple of times, but the officialising has only happened once. Despite its low success rate, itâs a cycle Sunghoon feels comfortable with, and heâd imagined the rest of his romantic encounters would follow that pattern.Â
But this is completely different. Of the three times you guys have met separately from your friend group, already two times have included sex. This isnât a stage Sunghoon usually reaches before at least a few months and it disorientates him. What does it mean? That you like him so much, you decided to skip all of the steps and jump straight into the thick of it? He is reasonable enough not to delude himself into such a thought. He likes you a lotâthat much he can be sure of. Heâs liked you since the moment he laid eyes on you, even if the reason eludes him. Something in the way you smiled at him, the way you took him in stride as if youâd known him forever. When he thinks back to that party, he canât believe it started out as the two of you being strangers. Even now, feeling your warm skin against his, it feels like a lie that just two months ago he hadnât even met you.Â
What he canât say with total certainty is that you like him the same amount. Or that you like him any amount, really, although in his naivety he doesnât understand how anyone could be this intimate with another person without liking them at least a little bit. And he doesnât just mean the sex. He means this. The silently laying in each otherâs arms, the soft kisses, the caresses wherever hands can reach. Eating post-sex snacks together, laughing as you watch the first episode of each otherâs favorite sitcoms (Brooklyn Nine-Nine for him, Pen15, oddly enough, for you). Falling asleep together, cuddling the entire night then waking up and diving right back into each otherâs embrace.Â
After an entire day spent in rumination, Sunghoonâs still not sure what to make of it all.
All he knows is that when he DMs you that night, asking you how your day went, he goes through every emotion between anxiety, self-hatred and indifference in the five minutes that separate his text from your reply. Heâs never been so happy to hear that someone couldnât concentrate in class because of him.
--
Sunghoon has always been obsessed with the way couples stand together in public.Â
Every time, it takes everything in him not to stare, because he wants to take in every little thing they do. He has that practically everywhere he goes, wanting to stare at people just to see what their deal is, but he is never quite as simultaneously fascinated and envious as when he spots a couple. But he knows staring isnât the socially appropriate thing to do, so he either steals glances or watches for a little bit then pretends they arenât there. He canât help himselfâeven if they arenât holding hands or obnoxiously making out in public, itâs still visible to anyone with eyes that there is something tying these people together. Itâs in the way they stand near each other, their bodies turned inwardly, as though enveloped by a bubble containing just the two of them and no one else; in the way they look at each other, their eyes never straying from the otherâs face as they talk, intimacy showing itself even in a loud, crowded room. Sunghoon craves to find that proximity, to be able to touch and be touched so softly, every graze of a hand purposeful and unconscious at the same time.
Itâs the first of November already. The Weather app, as it tends to do, has deceived you; so instead of a walk on what was supposed to be a sunny day, you find yourselves in a busy cafĂ© near the University, the air outside too chilly even with your scarves and gloves. Youâre waiting for your order at the end of the counter â a mocha for him, an oat flat white for you â when he notices it. Your body is fully facing him, youâre distractedly playing with the hem of his sweatshirt, and youâre not looking at anything but him as you rant about that annoying classmate of yours that goes by a self-made nickname and always talks over the tutor. In this light, the two of you are like the couples heâs always longed to beâthe simple thought makes him want to cry. As more and more often is the case these days, you have no idea what youâre doing to him.
Itâs been around two months since you first met and in that time, although Sunghoon is lucky not to have enough fingers to count the number of times you have seen each other one-on-one, not much has happened. Minjeong, who had understood what was going on the first time she saw the two of you eating leftovers from the Japanese restaurant on the couch at 10 a.m., has grown accustomed to his presence in the apartment and even sometimes sits down to watch a movie with the two of youâa movie that Chaewon would usually have forced you to watch in the living room instead of the privacy of your bedroom, so that everyone could join. Sunghoon is just glad Minjeong has stopped silently scolding him with her eyes every time he comes out of your room. She never mentions that night when she essentially warned him against you after the party.Â
Jake seems to be the only oblivious one in your group. Yunjin and Chaewon have eyes like hawks and horrifyingly vivid imaginations when they put their heads together, so they were probably already making plans for your wedding and fighting for the title of godmother when you and Sunghoon met at the beginning-of-semester party. They cornered him once at a party and forced him to spill the beans and spare no detail, because you apparently were âdenying everything, but we know thereâs something going on.â Jay is still Sunghoonâs go-to person when he needs advice concerning you, although the older boy doesnât understand why it has to be so complicated and always tells him to âjust tell her how you feel,â which Sunghoon will not do unless there is a gun to his head. But Jake just seems happy to see his friend and his sister get along this wellâno matter how many times you wear his jacket at their games or disappear at the same time at the end of parties, he doesnât grow suspicious. If he does, he doesnât mention it to Sunghoon, at least.
Between the two of you, not a word is spoken about the nature of your relationship, which remains unbearingly undefined. For a while, he weakly convinces himself that he doesnât need to have that conversation with you. Heâs young, heâs free, he should be able to enjoy casual sex without putting a label on it. The main problem, though, was that the sex could not be further from casual, at the very least not to Sunghoon.
He has never known anything quite like it. In mere weeks, youâve both mastered the art of pleasuring each other. He understands your body like itâs his, knows what each of the sounds and expressions you make means. He knows where to touch you to have a kiss go from light-hearted to dizzyingly intense, how to move his mouth to have you arching your back and holding onto him for dear life. And youâhe thinks your skin must be laced with cocaine, the way he can never get enough of it.Â
But itâs always the moments afterwards that get him in his head. To him, casual sex means getting dressed the minute itâs over and going off to do other things, which is the absolute opposite of what you do. Whether itâs falling asleep together or spending Sundays in bed, you always stay together afterwards, curled up in each otherâs arms as you talk away the hours, conversations interspersed with slow, lazy kisses. Heâll say things like, âYouâre so pretty,â or âWhy do you smell so good?â because heâs so smitten with you that he can never stop himself from uttering every compliment that flashes through his brain, but the things he really wants to say are harder to speak out loud. Even just a What are we?âthree simple words that he canât bring himself to ask, too scared itâll ruin everything.Â
Arguably worse is that sex isnât even a requirement for when you and Sunghoon see each other. He goes on walks with you whenever youâve spent too much time in the library and need some fresh air. You go shopping with him when his department throws a fundraiser and he needs a formal outfit. He cooks you your favorite meal when your period is particularly nasty. You sneak into the ice rink after his practice and let him âteachâ you how to skate, even though you already learned how with Jake when you were kids. Even mundane moments become fun when spent with you, and you share so many hobbies and interests that you never run out of things to do or talk about.
And yet, it feels like one step forward, two steps back with youâif you let him close one night, youâll run away the next. A week will pass without you seeing each other outside of the library or group hang-outs, and if Sunghoon asks you out, youâll say no, usually blaming the amount of work you have. He gets itâdue to the nature of your degree and your being a fourth-year student, your workload is much heavier than his, with essays, translations and oral presentations due every other week. And thatâs not even including midterms and finals. But still, he doesnât see why you would need to stay at the library for ten hours straight for days on end. Heâd start worrying about your health if you didnât at least relax on weekends.Â
So while Sunghoon wants nothing more than to go all in with you, he senses you holding back. He notices you avoiding eye contact during particularly intimate moments, and when you look at him perhaps too fondly for your liking, you quickly catch yourself and resume your neutral, sometimes almost cold expression. When he tries to broach more personal, sensitive topics, you always find a way to change the subject or turn the conversation towards him before you get too deep.Â
As time passes, and especially as exam season nears, he can tell thereâs something that youâre not telling him about. His suspicions are confirmed when you come back from a weekend at your parentsâ house. Heâs also been away for an out-of-town hockey game, and because he hasnât had much time to text you (and because their team won, so he wants to show off a little), heâs particularly looking forward to seeing you again that Monday. Itâs only been three days since youâve last seen each other, but he misses you like crazy.Â
But the minute youâre back, you bury yourself in work like never before, often waking up at ungodly hours and staying at the library until midnight. More than once, he stays behind with you, long after the others have gone, reminding you gently every hour that it might be time to go home and get some rest. The moments you actually agree are few and far between, and although he sticks it out at first, sleeping with his head on the table until you tell him youâre ready to go, your stubbornness soon starts frustrating him, and he ends up leaving when he gets too tired. He knows this is important to you, but he doesnât understand why you have to go to these lengthsâyouâd still easily be one of the best students in your class without all this exertion. And despite his many attempts, you wonât tell him whatâs wrong, wonât even admit that something is wrongâyou keep repeating that âitâs just what exam season is like.â
When he asks your friends about it, they seem just as confused as he is. One evening when you have plans to order some food and watch a movie at your apartment, he shows up at the agreed time, but youâre nowhere to be found. Thankfully, the girls are there to let him up and not leave him standing outside in the rain. You donât pick up when he calls you and call him back a minute later, apologizing profusely but still saying that thereâs something you really need to finish first. If it was only a one-time thing, it wouldnât make him as angry as it doesâbut this has been going on for almost two weeks now, and Sunghoon is close to boiling point.Â
The fact that itâs been months since your date at the Japanese restaurant, and the only thing that youâve said about what was happening between you and Sunghoon âdidnât have to change anything.â The fact that youâre essentially each otherâs boyfriend and girlfriend without the label or the reassurance that comes with it. The fact that thereâs something clearly bothering you but that you wonât tell him about it. The fact that this something is effectively coming between the two of you. Sunghoon was originally more worried about you than anythingânow that studying has taken obvious precedence over him in your list of priorities, heâd be lying if he said his ego wasnât wounded. He isnât asking to be the number one most important thing in your life, and he knew before even meeting you that high academic performance meant a lot to you, but he likes to think he deserves at least a little bit of your time and attention.Â
Except, does he really? Itâs not like youâre actually dating.
Thereâs a pang in his heart as he remembers this fact that he should never have forgotten in the first place. It hurtsâand so perhaps, heâs less patient than he ought to be.
âWhatever, Y/N. Donât worry about it, just let me know when you have time for something other than getting As.â
He hangs up and meets your flatmatesâ worried eyes.Â
âShe still at the library?â Chaewon asks, tone delicate as if trying not to scare off a wounded animal. Sunghoon nods, a deep sigh escaping his mouth.Â
âShe always studies a lot,â Minjeong starts, âbut this is something else.â
âHave you guys tried saying something?â
The girls nod. âEven Jake has talked to her, but she wonât listen. And he usually always gets to her,â Minjeong says.Â
He goes home soon afterwards and spends the rest of his evening in rumination, torn between his worry and his anger towards youâemotions which only increase as more days pass, and he sees less and less of you. Your behavior was already concerning while preparing for your exams and final assignments, it gets even worse when exams actually do start. He doesnât hear from you for an entire week, and the one time you miraculously agree to a short group hang-out in the form of getting coffee, youâre only half there, physically present but mind far, far away. You barely react when the guys tell you about their victory at the latest hockey gameâwhich you didnât attend, as well as any other game recently.Â
No matter how much he tries to put it out of his mind, to focus on his own exams and hockey games, you stay at the forefront of his thoughts. The hockey team is away for another out-of-town game when he decides to broach the subject with Jake, with whom heâs sharing a room. The entire semester, heâs been careful not to raise Jakeâs suspicions about the two of you, both out of consideration for you, whoâd mentioned you didnât want your brother to know what was going on, and for himself, who would also rather Jake not know, at least not until your relationship became official. Which it never did. But now that all he gets from you is radio silence at a time when youâd usually be an hour into a FaceTime call, he canât help himself.
Jake is just coming out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel, when Sunghoon takes his shot in the dark. âHave you heard from Y/N recently?â he asks as nonchalantly as he can, pretending to not be avidly waiting for his friendâs reaction by keeping his eyes on his phone.
âY/N?â Jake echoes. âNo, not really. Why?â
âJust âcause I havenât seen her around much. Iâm wondering if everythingâs okay.â
âYou mean her staying at the library all day?â Sunghoon nods; Jake sighs. âYeah, sheâll snap out of it soon enough. She gets somewhat like this every time exams come around, but even I have to admit itâs pretty tough this time around. The last time I saw her like this was way back in high school, and thatâs because our parents were watching right over her shoulder. Itâs been better in university thanks to the distance.â
âSo this has to do with your parents?â
âOh, one hundred percent. Sheâs always wanted to do well at school, but she only gets this obsessive when our parents are involved.â
âI guess this did start after that weekend when she went homeâŠâ Sunghoon muses absent-mindedly. It couldâve passed off as an off-hand remark, but Jake pauses in his movements and looks at him warily.
âYeah, she did⊠You noticed that, huh?â
Sunghoon pauses. This whole time, he was sure Jake was oblivious to anything happening between you and himâbut he might have underestimated his friend. Like brother, like sister; he can hardly read either of you when he really needs to. Jake might genuinely be surprised that Sunghoon remembered your whereabouts that weekend, or heâs onto him. âI guess I did,â he finally says, going for as noncommittal an answer as he can.
Jake says nothing for a bit, and Sunghoon thinks heâs managed to get through the conversation without raising too much suspicionâuntil a minute later, when Jake speaks again. âDo you⊠like Y/N?â
Sunghoon freezes, snapping his head towards Jake, whoâs lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. His first instinct is to deny, but thereâs no point pretending anymore. Itâs one thing keeping it from Jakeâlying to him about it is something else entirely. Itâs an uncomfortable conversation, but it must be had. âYeah, I do,â Sunghoon replies, guilt clear in his voice, more because heâs only now admitting it to Jake than because of his feelings themselves.
A shaky breath comes out of Jakeâs mouth, as if this was the exact answer he had dreaded. âRight, okay. Since when?â
âSince I met her, basically.â
Jakeâs head whips towards Sunghoon, and their gazes meet awkwardly. âSince that party in September?â he asks, shock written all over his face. Sunghoon nods, and to his surprise, Jake bursts out laughing. âDonât tell me itâs because you accidentally matched costumes?â
Sunghoon looks away, frowning. âThat mightâve helped things along,â he mumbles, embarrassment washing over him as Jakeâs laughter intensifies. At least he was taking it wellâa bit too well, perhaps.
âYouâre so predictable, man,â Jake says when heâs calmed down, wiping a tear from his eye.Â
âHow did you know, anyway?â
âYouâve been pretty obvious with it recently,â Jake replies after a few seconds. âI could tell you were a bit shy around her at first, and when it got better I just thought youâd become friends or something. But when she showed up with your jacket at every game and you never left her side at parties, I assumed something else was going on. Youâve always been staying behind at the library these days, and I know you donât have that much work.â
Sunghoon chuckles. âI guess I havenât been trying hard to hide it lately.â
âYeah, why would you hide it in the first place? You couldâve just told me.â
âI didnât want to make things weird.â
Jake frowns. âIt wouldnât have been weird. If anything, hiding it makes it weirder.â
âI just thought, if one of my friends had a crush on my sister, Iâd probably rather they hid it. Like, I donât need to know about that,â Sunghoon says, and it makes Jake laugh.
âDude, Y/N and I are only a year apart. Do you know how many guys have come up to me asking me for her number or advice on how to ask her out? Itâs been, like, one every few months since middle school. Guys here especially have no shame telling me how hot they find her.â
Sunghoon makes a face. He doesnât disagree, but heâd never go out of his way to tell your brother how exquisite you looked in certain outfits. âThatâs gross.â
âYeah, it is. But youâre my friend, not some greasy rando, so I trust you. If anything, Iâd probably have to tell her to be nice to you, and not the other way around.â
âYeah, you could say that again,â Sunghoon grumbles, then realizes his mistake immediately, eyes widening.
âWhat do you mean?â Jake asks, sounding genuine at first, but when Sunghoon stays quiet for a couple seconds, debating whether he should just lay the truth bare, Jake sits up on the bed and repeats his question, his tone much warier this time around. Sunghoon glances at him then looks away guiltily.
âWell, to be completely honest⊠Weâve sort of been seeing each other, kind of. But itâs complicated.â
Jake flops back down on his mattress with a grunt. âWho else knows?â he asks, rubbing at his eyes with his hands as if suddenly very exhausted.
âEveryoneâŠâ
âEveryone?!â
âWell, Jay, Minjeong, Yunjin and Chaewon.â
âSo everyone.â
âBasically, yeah.â
âGreat.â Jake sighs. âSince when?â
âSince October,â Sunghoon mumbles, feeling guiltier than ever. Heâs belatedly realizing that it wouldâve been much easier to have everything out in the open from the get-go, both with you and with Jake; now heâs both stuck in situationship limbo and has to face the consequences of keeping something this important from one of his closest friends. âAre you upset?â Sunghoon asks, feeling a bit like a ten-year-old.
âKinda, yeah, but more at her than at you. Iâve told her not to go after anyone from the hockey team.â
ââCause of Heeseung?â
âYeah. God, that was messy. He gave her mixed signals for so long, I could barely talk to him without thinking of her crying for so long. And now heâs the one who canât quite look me in the eye,â Jake says, shaking his head at the mere thought of his captain.
âWas it that bad? She made it seem like it wasnât that big of a deal.â
Jake raises his eyebrows. âReally? It upset her for a while though,â he says, then turns his head to look at the ceiling again. âI guess thatâs not so surprising of her. She sometimes likes pretending she doesnât have any emotions, even though Iâm pretty sure she has more than most people.â
âHuh.â That would explain some things, Sunghoon muses. Emotions are not a topic that comes up very often with you, and every time heâs gotten an inkling of them, you seem to shut it all down immediately.
âBut you know, Iâm more surprised than anything. About⊠about it all, really. Not just that youâre only telling me now, but that itâs lasted this long. She must really like you.â
âYou think?â Sunghoon says, his face brightening with hope, the words slipping from him before he can stop them once again. He shrinks when Jake laughs at him.
âLook at you. Down bad, huh?â
âShut up.â
âBut yeah, dude. Iâve told you about this. Iâve never seen her in a relationship, ever. Says she doesnât have the time,â Jake says, air-quoting you. âIâve only had the displeasure of seeing her go home with one-night-stands. You know that since she started college, sheâs had a rule that sheâd only see someone three times and that was it?â
âSeriously?â
âYeah, so she wouldnât catch feelings. Iâm telling you, sheâs crazy. So you must be special.â
Sunghoon canât stop the smile from spreading on his lipsâspecial. But it doesnât make him feel that much better, either. âItâs not like weâre actually dating, so Iâm not sure how special I can beâŠâ
Jakeâs head turns to look at Sunghoon again, but the younger boy keeps his eyes trained on the ceiling fan above him. âWhatâs happening between you guys?â
A blush creeps on Sunghoonâs cheeks. âIs this something you really want to talk about?â
âWell, spare me the gruesome details, please,â Jake says, chuckling, âbut yeah, I would like to know whatâs going on with my best friend and my sister.â
âIâm your best friend?â Sunghoon says, grinning as he meets Jakeâs gaze, who rolls his eyes.
âDonât change the subject.â
âFine.â He sighs. âWell, I didnât think it would happen more than once-â
âWhat would happen more than once?â
Sunghoon pauses. âWell, you knowâŠâ Jake gives him a look as if to say, Well, no, I donât know, so Sunghoon is forced to go on: âSleeping together.â
âYou guys slept together?!â Jake exclaims, sitting up on his bed once again.
âYeah, what did you think?â
âI donât know, just that you were going on dates, hanging out one-on-one, or whateverâŠâ
âWell, we were.â
âUgh, whatever,â Jake says, waving his hand in front of his face like swatting a fly away. âSo, not just once, then?â
âNo. And I thought itâd be a one-time thing, âcause a few days afterwards she said something about it not having to change our friendshipâŠâ
âDamn.â
âYeah. But then it did. Happen again, I mean. And itâs been happening frequently since. But weâre not⊠dating dating. We havenât had that conversation.â
Jake frowns. âWhy not?â
Sunghoon releases a shaky breath. Why not, indeed. ââCause she hasnât mentioned it. And Iâm too scared to do it.â
âWhat are you scared of?â
âThe typical stuff. What we have now⊠itâs not what I want, but itâs managed to not disrupt the group, you know. Iâm scared that if I tell her how I feel, itâll make things awkward between the two of us, and between all of us by extension.â
âWell, it might,â Jake says after thinking for a few seconds. âI wish I could tell you with certainty that sheâll like you back, but I honestly canât. As obvious as you were towards her, she was not giving anything away.â Sunghoon chuckles, more out of self-deprecation than anything. This was not the pep talk he had hoped for. âBut, I can tell you that she wonât be the type to make things awkward. You have nothing to risk by telling her, because in the long run, youâll be better off that way. I know you, Sunghoon. Youâll be miserable if you canât be fully yourself with someone.â
Decidedly, Sunghoonâs friends had a way of telling him the exact opposite of the things he wanted to hear while being completely right. He wishes things with you could stay the same â minus the overworking yourself and ignoring him in the process â and that he wouldnât have to do anything that might make them change. But just as Jake said, heâd also reach a point where he couldnât take it anymoreâa point he was already inching closer and closer to with every passing day. He likes you enough to let you not define the relationship, but he likes you too much to let it go on. He likes you too much to not be able to tell you, and show you, and remind you of it every day. He hated having to hold back, and he hated feeling you holding back. He wanted to give you his all and he wanted all of you, too, not just bite-sized portions of you.
âYouâre right,â he finally says. âI havenât been able to talk to her lately, but Iâll have to tell her soon enough. When her exams are over, I guess.â
Jake sighs. âYeah. I donât know if thereâs any getting through to her right now.â
âSheâs blown me off so many times! I donât know what sheâs doing, spending so many hours in that library. Iâd go insane.â
âSheâs a perfectionist,â Jake says, shaking his head. âIâve talked to her about it. When it comes to school, she needs everything to be as flawless as can be. She spends hours re-reading and editing her work. Itâs not good.â
âNot really, no.â
âBut sheâs only got a week left. Iâll try to convince her not to go home for too long, and itâll be better after the holidays. Then weâll make sure thereâs not a repeat of this next exam season.â
He thinks of Christmas break and of not seeing you for two weeks; of next semester and going through all of this with you a second time. The uncertainty, the fooling around behind your friendsâ backs â although that might not be needed now that Jake is in on it too â Sunghoonâs not sure if he can go through it all again. âYeah, we will.â
--
They lose their game the following day. They had an amazing run, either winning or tying every game so far; this loss is not enough to make them drop significantly in the rankings, but itâs enough to demoralize Sunghoon. It couldnât have come at a worse timeâbetween you and this failed game, his self-esteem is taking a real hit.
He dared hope for some comfort from you once he was back, but in vain. He doesnât know why he imagined your attitude mightâve changed overnight, and when he texts you asking to hang out, the same old sorry I canât atm fills his phone screen. And just like that, as strong as his feelings for you have been all this time, so is his resentmentâunwarranted, perhaps, but he thinks he deserves better than this, and heâs both angry at you for not giving him anything and at himself for letting it happen.
Now, heâs the one who spends hours working himself to the bone in the ice rink, whoâs clearly preoccupied with other things when everyone gets together, and who doesnât even show up to the party the whole group goes to when youâre all done with exams. The last game before winter break is in two days, and he doesnât want to waste a day nursing a hangover when he could be practicing.
That night, he thinks everyone is out at some random club downtown, so he does a double-take when itâs past eleven p.m. and you show up at the rink. Heâs skating laps, practicing his speed and his goal-shooting, only noticing you when youâre standing in the middle of the rink. He almost skates right into you.
âY/N?â he asks, not completely sure youâre not just a figment of his imagination. Heâs so exhausted, he wouldnât be surprised if he were dreaming you up.
âJay texted me.â
âOh. Why?â Heâs out of breath, and the words come out blunter than he intends them to.
âBecause itâs almost midnight and youâre still here,â you reply, crossing your arms over your chest. Thereâs a hint of a smile on your lips, but your eyebrows are furrowed in what looks like worry. Itâs the first time Sunghoonâs seeing you concerned over something other than an assignment.Â
He shrugs and resumes his laps, slower this time, forcing you to keep turning on your feet. âIâm practicing. Thereâs a big game coming up.â
âWhich is exactly why you should be resting, like everyone else on your team right now.â
He resists rolling his eyes. âWhy would I rest when I could be getting better?â
âBecause you need rest as much as you need practice. You wonât be any use on the rink if youâre too tired to play properly.â
âAnd I wonât be any use if I canât shoot properly, either.â
âSunghoon, you need a break. Youâre clearly exhausted-Will you stop it?â you suddenly snap. âIâm trying to talk to you, and Iâm getting dizzy.âÂ
Your small outburst only has him growing more agitated, and even though he does stop, itâs more so you can see the annoyance on his face than anything. âYou know, this is a bit rich coming from you, Y/N.â He knows this is not the right time to bring this upâif he has grievances against you, he shouldnât be bringing them up when heâs already frustrated. Heâs well aware of this, but he canât help himself.
You scoff. âExcuse me?â
âYouâre the one who spends twelve hours a day in the library during exams and does not budge even if I tell you you should go home.â
âThatâs different-â
âHow is it any different?â he interrupts, voice rising. âYou donât listen to me when you overwork yourself. I donât see why I should.â
âSo you realize that youâre overworking yourself?â
âOf course I do! But I have to.â
âNo, you donât-â
âY/N, please. I have to win as much as you have to get the top grades. Is it actually necessary? No, but you know how shit it feels not to.â
âAnd itâs exactly because I know that feeling that Iâm telling you to stop. Youâre just feeding into it.â
âSo are you, staying until 2 a.m. in the library. Youâve never once gone home when I asked you to.â
âAgain, thatâs different-â
âHow?! How is it different? Please enlighten me, âcause theyâre the exact same thing to me.â
You sigh. A sudden sadness appears on your face. Sunghoon is torn between wanting to see this to its end and taking everything heâs said back. But he keeps quiet, and your eyes, when they meet his again, harden. âAre you really gonna make me say it?â
âYes.â
As if you couldnât say your next words while looking at him, you tear your gaze away from his face. âBecause Iâm actually concerned about you, here. The only reason you want me to stop and go home is so we can fuck.â
Sunghoon is so astounded that all words fail himâhe stares at you, mouth wide open like you just shot him. After a few seconds, all heâs able to come up with is an incredulous, âWhat?â His voice is a mere whisper.Â
âYou heard me,â you say coldly.
He closes his mouth and swallows. âSo⊠youâre the one whoâs worried, and Iâm only after sex?â
You glance at him. âYeah.â
A chuckle escapes Sunghoonâs throat, then another, until laughter spills out of him uncontrollably. He feels like the world is upside down. How could you have lived the same thing and come out of it with such different perspectives? Your account of his intentions with you is so ridiculous and unfathomable to him that he canât do anything but laugh.
You seem taken aback at first, but your surprise quickly turns into annoyance. âSomething funny?â
âHilarious, actually,â he says, holding his stomach. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. All he finds at the end of his amusement is anger, bright red and hot. Itâs not an emotion he feels often, its rarity only serving as an intensifierâhe starts making his way out of the rink before it can explode and hit you in its wake. âWell, thatâs convinced me to call it a day. So you got what you came for, I guess.â
His fingers tremble as he undoes the laces on his skates and puts his sneakers on again. You stand by the door of the rink, holding onto the frame as you look at him, that same sad look still on your face. âHoon,â you say, voice weak. What would usually have him melting only has his anger flare harder.
âDonât. For the first time ever, I actually really donât want to talk to you right now.â He stands up, gives you one last harsh look, and turns away. He only halts right before exiting the bleacher area, and after a couple seconds of thinking, turns back around. âOh, but donât worry, Iâll let you know when I want to fuck again. Since thatâs all this is, clearly.â
--
It seemed to you no one thought you were good enough for Sunghoon.
Only Yunjin and Chaewon seemed excited at the prospect of the two of you getting together, or at least getting to know each other, but they were also the type to coo at dogs in the street and tear up at the sight of old people holding hands; Minjeong was apprehensive from the start, and made it clear; Jay was indifferent; Jake was oblivious for a while. Sunghoon wasâŠ
What was Sunghoon?
Someone who had come out of nowhere, shaken up your routine and messed with your head. Thatâs what Sunghoon was. He didnât seem apologetic in the slightest.
Maybe it was your fault for not opening up to the people closest to you and letting them think you were some kind of no-strings-attached one-night-stands-only emotionless maneater who had been single for as long as they had known her, who would be seen with someone new every few months, and never for long, who, as far as the eye could tell, only used men for sex. Maybe it was their fault for never trying to dig deeper.
No, okay, it was definitely your fault.
Based on your conversations with your friends, they thought Heeseung had broken your heart, and you had never bounced back properly. Heâd hurt you so much, you couldnât fathom a real relationship anymoreâyou could only be with someone casually. Which wasnât so far from the truth, but what Heeseung had done was much worse than just breaking your heart. Heâd confirmed what you already knew of yourself: you want too much. You want what you canât have, what you donât deserve.
From the moment you met Park Sunghoon, you knew you didnât deserve someone like him. Minjeong seemed to agree, and when she saw you and him together at choir that Saturday in September, three months ago already, she made sure you knew her thoughts on the matter.
âThis is so⊠unlike you,â was the first thing sheâd said after she pulled you aside.Â
âWhat is?â
âThis,â she repeated, waving her arms around. âBeing here. Coming with him.â She pointed at Sunghoon, whose hair was being ruffled by one grandma and his cheek pulled by another. He kept glancing back worriedly at youâyou liked him so much already. âSee? Youâre smiling at him,â she said, making you realize a sappy smile had started growing on your lips at the sight of him. Your face dropped and you scoffed at the disgust in her voice.
âYeah, some of us like to smile. You wouldnât understand.â
âY/N, you know what Iâm trying to say.â
âI donât think I do, actually.â
She sighed. âYou donât do this. You donât meet a guy and show up to his choir practice the next morning. Whatâs happening?â
You crossed your arms over your chest. Had you known your presence would be questioned like that, you mightâve thought twice about coming. âCanât a girl enjoy a choir without getting interrogated these days?â
âYouâre avoiding my question! Listen, Y/N. Sunghoon is not the kind of guy you usually go for. Heâs-Stop. Donât smile at me like that.â
âIf you like Sunghoon, you can just tell me. You know I wouldnât stoop so low as to go after a guy my best friend likes.â
âSo you are going after him?â
âSo you do like him?â
Minjeong shook her head violently and put her hands on your shoulders, staring into your brain as if trying to make you see some sense. Calmly, she said, âNo, I donât. Sunghoonâs nice, but he is so far from my type. Heâs too⊠nice.â
âYou mean he doesnât wear leather jackets or ride a motorcycle?â
âThat was once. But no, he doesnât do that. And what Iâm trying to tell you is that heâs not your type either.â
âAnd how have you gathered that?â
âBecause so far, youâve only wisely chosen guys who are as detached and emotionally stunted as you.â
âIâm not-â
âBut heâs not like that, Y/N. Heâs the bring-home-to-your-parents-for-Christmas type. Not the hump-and-dump type.â
âIâm starting to get offended by this conversation.â
âAll Iâm saying is, donât go breaking his heart. Or yours, for that matter. It pains me to say but I care about both of you very much and I donât see this going anywhere good.â
You shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Was her opinion of your romantic tendencies â or lack thereof â that bad that she couldnât even recommend you to her friend? You felt like a chastised child whose mom told you you couldnât get the toy you wanted. Despite being well aware that you werenât the most committed when it came to relationships, you still felt like she was going overboard. Just because nothing had stuck so far didnât mean it wouldnât nowâshe was acting like you went around playing with peopleâs feelings for fun.
âJesus, this is my second time seeing him. I just wanna see what his deal is. Iâm not breaking anyoneâs heart, okay?âÂ
The choir conductor had called out for everyone to gather on stage then, and that was the end of that conversation. You still remember how funny of a thing it was, seeing Sunghoon in his nice shirt and trousers, his hair falling into his eyes, singing diligently with the choir, when just the night before he had been playing beer pong dressed as Cowboy Ken. In this new light, you understood why Minjeong was so adamant about him not being your usual type, and why the grandmas were fussing over him. You hadnât known what had pushed you to invite yourself to this rehearsal, and even then as you sat there, you werenât sure what you were doing or why you couldnât stop smiling as you watched Sunghoon sing.Â
Time made things clearer, starting with that afternoon at the beach. The salt in the air that day had clouded your thoughts, covered them with a thin layer so that your usual reluctance to share anything remotely personal had dimmed. Or maybe it had had nothing to do with the air and everything to do with the boy sitting next to you on the sand, the way words came tumbling out of your mouth before you could think about them and were only met with understanding and empathy on his part. For once, you didnât feel the need to guard yourself, to adapt your words and actions to the person in front of you. It was something you didnât know was possible with a near strangerâperhaps because Sunghoon felt nothing like one.
He made you feel things you hadnât felt in a long time; things you had been craving to feel, needed almost as much as oxygen. Being with him felt like breathing again. But you had been underwater so long, being on land again felt foreign, scary, and you couldnât help but dive back into safe waters, coming up for air once in a while.
Whether he had intended to or not, Sunghoon had started to scratch at your surface, until heâd burrowed a small holeâshallow, but enough for cracks to appear, cracks you were quick to put back together as best as you could.
So when his gaze was too tender, his touches too gentle, you bristled. You went away, because you were afraid of what might happen if you stayed. The more you wanted to give him, the less you gave him anything at all. Your own desire overwhelmed you. His letterman jacket was warm around your shoulders, you proudly walked around with the four letters of his last name on your back, but you couldnât get out of your mind how cold it would be if it was one day ripped away from you.Â
You thought of Heeseung, how disillusioned you had been when you thought you had finally met someone who would love you the way you had always yearned to be, only for him to toss you away when you started asking for too much. You thought of your friends in middle school, how it seemed that no friendship could be more wonderful until you overheard them talking about you at a sleepover, about how clingy you were. You thought of your parents, how they had only bestowed kind words upon you when you performed well in your role of perfect daughter, of academically gifted child. How they hadnât even glanced at any of the drawings youâd done of the four of you, mother, father, son and daughter holding hands with a bright yellow sun in the corner of the sky. How they had pushed you away from their bed when you seeked some comfort after a terrible nightmare. How they had never bothered to hide their disappointment when you came home from school with anything less than an A. How they had shunned your brother for not going down the path they had envisioned for him, how hard you had to fight to make them accept yours was not a worthless one.
Even your best friend seemed to think you were unable to receive affection of the likes of Sunghoonâsâbut what you were afraid of was that he wouldnât handle the amount of affection you knew you were able to give. In a way, that was what had drawn you to Sunghoon in the first placeâfrom the moment youâd met him, you had been able to tell there was something of you in him. It seemed to you he had a heart that was overflowing with love, love to give, love to spare on whoever would have it. In his words, you were him. Nevertheless, your fear of getting hurt overrode your desire to feel Sunghoonâs love, and you didnât know whether you would be able to revert to your nature after having spent so much time perfecting your new facade.
You knew what it was like to be cold. And so you prematurely braced yourself for it by pushing away Sunghoonâs warmth. If it was going to happen at some point, like Minjeong had hinted it would, might as well get used to it, right?
Except the cold never came. Sunghoon kept on burning relentlessly, no matter how much wood you fed his fire withâyou could cling to him for nights on end or ignore his texts for days, without fail, heâd welcome you with his usual, unwavering warmth. He allowed you to bask in it, to momentarily let down your defenses. But something always happened to make you raise them back upâMinjeong would eye the two of you suspiciously, Heeseung would post on Instagram (Is one of the girls on slide five his new fling? Are they serious and it wasnât that he wasnât ready for a relationship, itâs that he didnât want one with me?), or your mom would text you to ask you whether everything was okay.
Yet increasingly, you suspected there was something behind Sunghoonâs warmth, something you had missed, something that was tricking you. He looked at you like you had hung the stars in the night sky, yes; in public, a knowing look from you was enough to have his face turn bright red, and in private, one simple touch had his chest heaving, yes; he expressed disappointment every time you turned him down for a hang-out. Your attachment to him grew, and it became harder to put what the two of you had into words.
It wasnât just sexâit couldnât be. It ran deeper than that. You knew what relationships that consisted of just sex were like, and this wasnât that, it was too good, too intimate to be just that. But you werenât a couple, that much was clear. Only four other people were aware something was even going on, your brother not included, and you acted as regular friends in front of everyone. Jake had insisted you didnât fool around with another member of his hockey team because his relationship with Heeseung had already deteriorated enough, he didnât need to be on weird terms with anyone else on your behalf, so you were not keen on letting him know about what you got up to with Sunghoon. Anyway, even if everyone on earth was in on your shenanigans, you and Sunghoon hadnât convened on what it all meant. Who knew what was going on in his head? You were no stranger to how deceitful men could be when they were after certain bodily pleasures. Unless Sunghoon said it in so many words, multiple times, you would not be a hundred percent sure he wasnât only looking to get laid, or wanted someone to act like his girlfriend without the label and the obligations that came with it.
Because you basically were acting like his girlfriend, and he like your boyfriend. You always went to each other. Always, only each other. Whether he needed a second opinion on an outfit, you needed a rant session about your dissertation, either of you a really good orgasm, it was each other you went to.
You waited for him to initiate a conversation about the status of your relationship like one waits for church bells to ring at the turn of the hourâyou knew it was coming, but the sound might be too much to bear. And the longer you had to wait, the more you dreaded it. Because how would you react when the time came? You didnât trust yourself not to run away; neither did Minjeong.
The cold hadnât come yet. You couldnât let yourself feel the warmth unreservedly. It was all unpleasantly lukewarm.
Then you went home for a weekend.
It was a good friend from schoolâs birthday, and despite having spent a lot of time with Sunghoon at the expense of studying, you had done well this semester and thought you deserved a break. After having been away for so long, you had started to underestimate the power of your need for your parentsâ approval over you. One small instance that your brother and many other people wouldâve brushed off easily was enough to set you offâthat same cold look of disappointment when you decided to be honest and told them one of your courses was deadly boring all while being unnecessarily complicated and you had received a low B-grade in it. They barely spoke to you for the rest of the evening.
Exams were a mere few weeks away when you got back. You buried yourself in work, forgot everything and everyone else, even Sunghoon, even yourself.
The cold hadnât come yet, so you sought it out for yourself.
At the same time, you hadnât indulged in enough introspection to realize how frustrated you had been at Sunghoon for not trying to create defined boundaries around your relationship. You were unable to do it yourself, you unrealistically wanted him to do the work for the both of you, you got upset when he didnât. What you were able to do was make up reasons why he wasnât giving you the what are we talkâhe doesnât like you that much, he just wants sex, heâs settling for you until he finds the next best thing, the real thing. This wasnât leading anywhere, so you cut it off before he could.
You set foot in the library at seven thirty a.m. on a Monday and every following day of that week, then the next, then the next. He managed to pull you out every now and thenâyou werenât that strong against his big pleading eyes, his soft messy hair, his warm hands that entirely covered yours.Â
Oftentimes, you were too tired at the end of a long library day to have sex. Sunghoon never held it against youâhe seemed more than happy to cook you dinner, let you fall asleep halfway during a movie you had chosen, and cuddle all night long. But your body burned with resentment at his mere presence in your bed, in your home, in your text messages. Who was he to stop you from studying, from achieving your goals, to distract you from that top grade just so he could get off? Even your friends and brother werenât trying so hard to make you take breaks. The worry that furrowed his eyebrows, which you used to want to see fade away with a caress of your thumb, now infuriated you to no end, it seemed â to you â put-on. He kissed your neck and you wanted to push him away instead of melt into him like you had before.
It was his turn to leave for a weekend for an out-of-town hockey game, and you convinced yourself his absence came as a relief. But on the Sunday evening they got back, as you came out of the library, you spotted your brother waiting right outside of the building.
âWhy is it so hard to reach you?â he said when he saw you in lieu of a greeting. âWhatâs the point of having a phone if you donât even use it? I called you, like, five times.â âIt was on airplane mode.â He rolled his eyes so hard, you could almost hear them moving beneath their lids. âWhat have you done to Sunghoon?â You stopped dead in your tracks. âSunghoon? What about him?â you asked, chest constricting at the mere thought of him and at the implication that something had happened to him, even if you were the cause. He hadnât said it in so many words, but it was clear the truth had been revealed to Jake, and for some reason, it didnât surprise you. You knew they roomed together and assumed Sunghoon mustâve told him. You tried your best to take it in stride. âI thought we said the hockey team was off-limits after Heeseung,â he said sternly. âAlso, Sunghoon, of all people?â he adds before you can say anything. âThatâs like, my bro. And heâs the nicest guy ever. Not the perfect pick for one of your victims, I must say-â âOh, please, heâs not a victim. Heâs a consenting adult.â âThen why is he so upset over you spending more time studying than with him?â âThatâs the male ego for you, Jakey.â Your brother sighed deeply. âHeâs really hurt, Y/N. If you were going to reject him, you couldâve done it nicely.â
You frowned. âWho said anything about rejecting him?â
âYouâve shut him out. Youâve shut all of us out.â Jake was staring at you, trying to get you to look at him, but you kept your gaze on the ground and kicked non-existent pebbles around, hands hiding in your coat pockets. âYou might not have meant it as one, but he took it as a rejection.â
You scoff. âThere was nothing to reject. Itâs not like weâre actually together.â
âYeah, thanks for telling me anything was going on, by the way.â
âIt wasnât any of your business.â
âIt is, âcause it concerns my sister and my best friend.â
âHeâs your best friend?â you echo, a teasing smile on your lips. He rolls his eyes again.
âGod, maybe you guys arenât so bad together after all. But Y/NâIâm serious. You need to do something.â
âWhy canât he?â
âBecause youâre the one whoâs been fucking around.â
Ouch. âYouâve known about this whole thing for what, two days, and youâre already blaming me for the fact that itâs not going perfectly? How little do you think of me?â
âI donât think little of you, Y/N, I just know you have a track record of not being serious about relationships.â
Your body tensed up. Maybe it had been a particularly long day. Maybe it had been a long time coming. Tears well up in your eyesâa sight youâve not let your brother see in many, many years.
âYou know what, fuck this, Jake. Iâm stressed enough as it is. Iâve done my best with what I have, and you donât get to pin this on me. As if I was the only person in that relationship. If Sunghoon has a problem, he can take it up with me directly.â
You walked away. Jake called after you once, and when you didnât come back, caught up with you. âIâm sorry, Y/N. I donât wanna upset you. I just-I hate seeing him hurt, you know? And you too.â
âIâm glad my feelings are of some importance to you.â
âOf course they are,â Jake said, too concerned to detect the sarcasm in your words. âAnd youâre right, Iâve only heard Sunghoonâs side of the story. But it really sounded like-â
âListen, Jakey, I really donât wanna do this right now. Letâs talk about it when exams are over. I canât have anything else taking up mental space. I mixed up my Greek third declension endings earlier.â
âGod forbid.â
After some arguing, Jake let you off the hookââJust for now,â he said. Youâd get him to recount his and Sunghoonâs conversation in excruciating detail later.
You come out of an evening of contemplation resenting Sunghoon for bitching about you to your brother, of all people. As if he had been begging on his hands and knees for your devotion, as if you had been cool-headed and detached and not thinking heâll ask me to be his girlfriend any second now every time you spent time together. You told yourself you were well and truly done with him for the time being. If there was anything to salvage, that was future youâs problem.
But late on Thursday evening, Jay sent you a voice message, something he only did when he was gravely drunk, shouting over loud chatter and rap music that Sunghoon hadnât shown up to a party and was apparently still practicing. Youâd caught wind of their loss at the game, and even though your heart had swollen with concern for Sunghoon, very well aware of how important winning was to him, youâd managed to squash it down. You had bigger fish to fry, namely, an Italian written exam that made up 75% of your overall grade for that course. But after ten minutes of re-reading the same three lines of an article from Republicca, you couldnât get the image of Sunghoon skirting endlessly around the ice rink and potentially hurting himself out of your head. You told yourself you only had this one exam left and plenty of time to revise for it, packed up your things and headed for the rink.
It was past eleven p.m. when you got there. The rest is history.Â
Your grievances came out in an ugly way, but Sunghoonâs refusal to listen to you got the best of your nerves, and although you really did feel that your worry was more genuine than his, you didnât truly believe that all he wanted from you was sexâat least, you hoped it wasnât. It was the first time you ever saw any sort of negative emotion on Sunghoonâs handsome features, be it anger, sadness or pain. It tugged at your heartstrings, made you want to wrap him in your arms and get him away from whatever it was that tugged his eyebrows into a frownâeven if that was you.
Now, as if the water has inched up your ankles and frozen over, your feet stay planted on the ice for a while after heâs stormed off. You donât even realize youâre crying until a hot, salty teardrop falls on your lips.
Your feet regain control of themselves, and they seem to move of their own accord as they guide you right in front of Sunghoonâs dorm room. Youâre barely conscious as your knuckles rasp against the door, and the tears that had fallen back behind your eyes spill out once more as soon as your eyes meet his. Heâs just come out of the shower, a white towel wrapped around his hips, another one that he uses to dry his hair. His movements stop when he realizes whoâs standing at his door, mouth falling slightly agape, chest visibly rising and falling. Heâs so beautiful, you feel your heart breaking all over again.
Sobs pour uncharacteristically out of you, so much so that you have to hide your face behind your eyes. He ushers you in, holds you tight as everything flows out, the stress, the resentment, the loneliness, the longing. How could he be so close yet so far away this whole time? Did he want those miles of distance between you, or had you forced them upon him?
Sunghoon smoothes your hair down and shushes you, telling you itâs okay and that heâs here, voice strangled as if heâs on the verge of crying, too. A part of you still feels angry towards him, but the bigger part of you knows only he can give you the comfort you need.
âI missed you,â you say when youâve calmed down partly. You only realize how true those words are once youâve spoken them. Youâve missed waking up next to him, watching trashy reality TV together, taking coffee breaks that lasted too long in-between study sessions. Youâve missed the scent of his hair, the scent of his skin, youâve missed watching the way his back muscles shift at the slightest of movements, feeling the weight of his head as he lay on your chest. All for a bunch of As you wouldâve gotten without exerting yourself so much anyway.
âI missed you too, baby. Where did you go?â Just like that, you break down again, and he dissolves into apologies. âYouâre here now, itâs all that matters,â he whispers against your hair.
âYou didnât see them, Hoon. You didnât see the way they looked at me,â you say, struggling to speak, unsure youâre even making any sense but unable to stop. âI got As in everything, I worked so hard. Just one B, one week where I had four things due at the same time. Their faces, Hoon, like they were thinking, what was the point of letting me do this degree if I wasnât even going to excel in it?â
âBut you do excel in it, Y/N. Youâre amazing at what you do. And even if you werenât, you love it, and thatâs what matters the most.â
âNot to them, it doesnât.â
âThen forget them.â
âI canât, Hoon,â you say, voice trembling. âI just canât. I need them to be proud of me.â
âIsnât it enough to be proud of yourself?â
âI wish it was.â
âDoes it help if I tell you how proud I am of you and of how hard youâve worked?â
He doesnât see it, your face is still hidden in the crook of his shoulder, but a small smile makes its way to your lips. âA bit.â
âThen Iâll tell you everyday until you donât need their approval anymore. They donât deserve you, Y/N. They donât even see what an amazing, beautiful, smart daughter they have. Or her sort-of-okay brother.â You laugh, and so does he. Sunghoonâs words and soothing touch against your back already alleviate the weight on your heart. âBut I see it.â
You lift your head to look at Sunghoon. His eyes are glassy. âYou see how amazing, beautiful and smart Jake is?â
He laughs again as he tucks a stray strand of hair behind your ear. âYeah, exactly.â The way he looks at you makes you wish you could go back to the day you met him and right all of your wrongs. No more hiding or running away. You only want to stay under that gaze of his. But sadness soon replaces the joy in his eyes. âYou mean so much more to me than you give yourself credit for, Y/N. This has never been just about sex for me. Not even for a second.â
âNo?â
âNo.â
âThen what has it been about?âÂ
He frowns like a student in an advanced math class whoâs just been asked what three plus three isâisnât it obvious?
âI love you.â
Your eyes dart between his as if searching for any trace of deceit there. Of course, you donât find anyâbecause there hasnât been any since the start. Youâd let your own fears invent things that werenât there. Your lips tremble and you find yourself bawling on his shoulder once more, your tears like a well that digs deeper and deeper so as to never run out of water.
âI hope these are good tears,â Sunghoon says light-heartedly, but you can detect the nervousness behind his words. You nod your head vigorously, willing yourself to say something back, but your tears overflow, make your breath hitch.
âWhy didnât you say anything earlier?â you manage in between sobs.
âI didnât think it was the kind of thing you wanted to hear,â he explains.
âI was waiting for you to say something.â
âI didnât know. I thought I was being obvious enough.â
âYou probably were. I was the one who couldnât see it,â you admit.
âI thought you didnât want me like that.â
âI thought you didnât want me like that.â
Sunghoon chuckles, a sound of relief. âIâve wanted you like that since the start.â
âI think I have too.â
âYou think?â
You lift your head again and when your eyes meet Sunghoonâs, it feels like coming out of your hiding place hours after the round of hide-and-seek was over. He hadnât forgotten to come and find you. He was waiting for you to reveal yourself.
Which goes against the rules of hide-and-seek, but you donât blame him.
You smile; he smiles, deep dimples carving crescents into his cheeks. âI love you, too.â
You hadnât realized how cold your hands were until Sunghoon found them.
--
Everything after that was a blurry mess of tangled limbs, warm kisses, happy tears and relieved laughter.
Your touch had always been intoxicating, but Sunghoon was particularly sensitive to it that night. The mix of not having felt you close in weeks and the heightened emotions driven by your confessions made his skin tingle everywhere it came in contact with yours. Heâd never slept so little without regretting it in the morning.
It goes without saying that most of the night was not spent talking, but you still had things you needed to discuss. The two of you laid out all of your fears, and Sunghoon was immensely relieved to finally get a glimpse into that mind of yours. He made you promise to always tell him what was going on, and he promised you youâd never be too much for him. Always just right.
Now, he gets to wait outside of your exam hall with your favorite flowers in hand, to put his arm around your shoulders during movie nights instead of holding your hand beneath the blanket, to kiss you over the barrier at the end of a hockey game he won. Heeseungâs narrowed eyes at the sight of the two of you is an added bonus.
You text him that youâll hang around the locker rooms after the game so that you can head to the party together. The end of December is nearing and you canât wait for the new year, for twelve whole months of not hiding your feelings for Sunghoon from anyone, not even from yourself, least of all from him. At least, thatâs what you told him in a sappy, drunken voice message at two a.m. the previous night when the girls made you drink a bottle of prosecco to yourselfâtheir way of congratulating you for an arduous but successful exam period.
He steps out of the locker rooms with Jake and Jay. Youâve never looked quite as pretty, face lighting up as you spot the three of them, his jersey on your shoulders. Youâd worn it during your last examââI thought it might bring me luck to wear a pretty boyâs name on my back,â youâd told him, to which heâd replied that it was good practice for when you actually took his last name. Youâd looked away, fighting a smile.
Now your smile is full-blown as you look at him, but the downside of being an official couple is that Jake has now more material to tease the both of you with.
âOh my God, you waited for me, what a sweet sister I have been blessed with!â he exclaims, arms outstretched as he barrels towards you.
âFuck off, Sim,â you say but accept his hug nonetheless. âNice game.â
âI know.â He pulls away and ruffles your hair. Jay nods at you like youâre someone he shared a class with back in second year and not his friend of almost three years.
As if on cue, just as Sunghoon reaches you and envelops you in a hug, Jake turns around and yells loud enough for all the players spilling out of the locker rooms, âAnd donât forget to wear protection! Iâm not ready to be an uncle yet.â
âThatâs disgusting, Jakey,â you yell back, and he smiles proudly. Sunghoon had never thought the day would come where youâd initiate a kiss in a room full of peopleâheâs on cloud nine when you take his head in your hands and press your lips to his, murmuring praises about how well he played.
âIt was all for you, baby,â he says, trying to appear cool even though a blush is creeping up his ears.Â
âNot for the recruiter of the national team?â you asked with a smirk.
He smiles, shrugging. âMaybe a bit for him too. Youâre the one I want to impress.â
âConsider me impressed.â You stand on your tiptoes to kiss him a second time.
You head towards your friends, hands warm against each other.
--
In classic mysterious Jay fashion, he organizes a New Yearâs Eve party that he canât attend himself.
Heâs on holiday in some exotic country halfway across the world with his family, but heâs offered up their house for a celebration and tasked Jake with making sure no one trashes anything.
The party started three hours ago, and youâre sure itâs in full swing by nowâyouâre sure everyone is having a jolly old time, getting drunk enough to welcome the new year with a hangover, searching the crowds of people for the person theyâll want to kiss at midnight. Youâre sure that people are having so much fun that whoever notices your and Sunghoonâs absence might think youâre missing out.
And maybe you areâbut thereâs nowhere youâd rather be than where you are now, straddling your boyfriendâs lap in the backseat of his car. Heâs a little bit tipsy, youâre a little bit tipsy, itâs obvious in the way you kiss each other, messy, impatient, interspersed with giggles and with perhaps too much tongue. Your hands are not much more polite, harshly grabbing at his hair just the way you know he likes it, and neither are his, having snuck their way underneath your black satin dress long ago already.
When Sunghoon pulled you away from the party, youâd appropriately exclaimed, âBut the party?â, to which he replied, âFuck the party.â It wasnât like him to curse, or to have anything but a bashful smile on his lips, like a guilty dog whoâd been caught doing something it knew it shouldnât, even though he was just standing there, so when you see his stoney expression, you think something serious mustâve happened.
The something serious turned out to be âthat guy who was touching your shoulder.â
Clearly, itâd take Sunghoon a little bit more time to be entirely secure in your relationship. In the meantime, you didnât mind letting him fuck his jealousy away.
Although heâd been the one to whisk you away, youâre the one who finds yourself begging for him to speed things up. Your flimsy thong does absolutely nothing, so youâre basically grinding yourself bare against his clothed erectionâand itâs not like the fabric of his suit trousers is very thick, either. A girl can only put up with so much dry humping before having her boyfriendâs dick inside of her goes from being a want to a need.
âNeed you, Hoon,â you coo against the shell of his ear. A few words usually do the trick, but Sunghoon has other plans tonight.
âWhat do you need, baby?â
âYou.â
âIâm right here,â he says, punctuating his words with a squeeze of your ass.
âYou know what I mean,â you say, practically whining.
âIâm not sure I do, actually.â
You pull away and, looking at him directly, say, âGod, Sunghoon. I want you to fuck me.â His shit-eating grin simultaneously makes you roll your eyes and goes straight to your core.
âThat I can do.â
He keeps one hand on your ass as he loosens his tie first, then undoes his belt and trouser buttons. His slacks and underwear pool around his ankles, and all he needs to do is hike your dress up around your hips and push your thong to the side. You wrap a hand around his dick, but your mind is too hazy to do much with itâheâs started rubbing circles on your clit with his thumb, the pressure and speed as perfect as it always is. You let your forehead fall against his shoulders and moan unabashedly, thankful he decided to park the car far enough away from the house.
âYou like it when I touch you like this, baby?â
âI love it, Hoon.â
He hums his approval. âYouâre so perfect. So perfect and so wet for me, isnât that right?â
You start to say âyes,â but you interrupt yourself with a gasp. You hold onto Sunghoonâs arm, feel his muscles move under your palm as he slips two fingers inside of you without warning. âPlease,â you choke out, a tight knot already forming in your stomach.
âPlease what?â
âNeed you. Need your dick, baby.â
He smiles as if endeared, but his words couldnât be more different. âMaybe you shouldâve thought of that before going off with some random guy the one minute I was somewhere else.â
âHeâs just-fuck, Hoon, heâs just a mutual friend of Jay and I. Fuck, right there, baby.â Forming coherent sentences when Sunghoonâs fingers flick against that perfect spot deep inside you again and again is no easy task, but you need to defend yourself.
âRight there?â he echoes, voice a whisper against your ear. When you nod, eyes shut tight, he slips his fingers out. You look at him, betrayed. âThatâs too bad. Why donât you ask him to touch you right there, hm?â
You donât know how much of his jealousy is put-on to get you to beg and how much of it is real. You make a mental note to have a conversation with him about this laterâright now, you donât mind playing along if it means your boyfriend will deign to fuck you. You know he wants to, heâs just making you work harder.
You move your hand up and down along his dick, brush his reddening tip with your palm every now and then. âHe couldnât touch me like you, Hoon.â You lean in and trail kisses along his neck, his jawline, his ears. âCanât fuck me like you, either.â
With exams, hockey matches and any other responsibilities out of the way for winter break, the two of you had had an obscene amount of sex in the past couple of weeks. Youâd done other things, of course, namely having much-needed conversations with each other, your friends, your families. Sunghoonâs mother was overjoyed at the news, glad her âduckling had finally met someoneâ â her words â and his sister kept stealing his phone from him to talk to you when you were on FaceTime. You and Jake had gone home for two days for Christmas, and although Jake had needed to pep talk you into it for over an hour, you managed to tell them that you wouldnât stand for being belittled for your life choices anymore.
But in-between these conversations, you couldnât keep your hands off of each other. Youâve grown more comfortable with each passing day, both of you bolder in vocalizing what you want and how you feel. And so, you quickly found out that your Sunghoon, your shy, sweet Sunghoon, got off like nothing else on salacious words. In line with his possessiveness, he loved hearing about how he and only he could do these things to you; in line with your need for validation, you could practically come from hearing his praises alone.
âThatâs right, baby.â Like the gentleman he is, he fishes out the condom wrapper he had gotten ready from his trouser pocket, tears it open with his mouth and rolls the condom on with one hand, his other one still preoccupied with you. âCome here, my love,â he whispers, his sweet tone worlds away from his previous teasing, almost cocky one. He grabs your hips, guides you closer to him and lines your entrance with the tip of his dick. He lets you go at your own pace, rubs your thighs soothingly as you sink down onto him slowly and adjust to his size. You throw your head back, mind hazy with pleasure as you move your hips back-and-forth against him.
âYou feel so good, baby. Youâre doing so well for me.â His words make you pick up your pace, and you wrap your arms around his neck, fingers grabbing at his hair and sides of your faces pressed against each other as you start lifting your hips and sinking back down. Sunghoonâs hands hold your ass tightly, guiding you up and down. Itâs hot in the car; sweat runs down your hairline and your back, air is running low, the windows are fogging up, but it only adds to the dizzying bliss growing in you. Even the seatbelt receiver digging into your knee doesnât bother you.
âFeels so good, Hoon,â you moan.
âI know, baby.â
Your hours of studying everyday means your thighs arenât the strongestâgood thing for you that your boyfriend has enough stamina and strength for the both of you. As soon as he feels you tiring, your rhythm becoming slower and more irregular, he picks up your slack. One hand on your back, one arm around your waist, he presses you close to him, his hold on you so tight you can barely move. He bucks his hips harshly into yours, faster and faster, making you cry out with every brush of his tip against that spot deep inside of you. Your whole body shakes with pleasure as your moans grow higher and louder, until the tension in your stomach hits its apex and unravels. A gasp leaves your throat as you come around him, but heâs unrelenting, the overstimulation quickly making tears form in your eyes. Strings of curses and praises of how perfect you are spill out of Sunghoonâs mouth disorderly as he reaches his own end.
Together, you take your time catching your breath, his fingers roaming your back while you trail soft kisses all over his face and neck. âMy pretty baby,â he whispers, and it makes your heart swell with so much affection for him that you press your lips to his, shutting him up in case he says something that actually has you exploding.
You wish you could spend some more time just the two of you before returning to the party, but when you check your phone, itâs already five minutes to midnightâhe puts his clothes back on as you fix your hair in a rush, Sunghoon helping you wipe away traces of mascara under your eyes, and together, run back to the living room where everyone has gathered. You find Minjeong, Yunjin, Chaewon and Jake, who has Jay on FaceTime. Itâs only five p.m. where he is.
Everyone counts down from ten together. The first thing you do in the new year is kiss Park Sunghoonâand youâll make sure itâs the last thing you do, too.
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