#i could have actually cared and not procrastinated and actually be mentally present in class

[shinysteph]

WHERE has vyvanse been all my life I actually feel like a human being

[hikarry]

So, as someone who recently got the ADHD label slapped on my forehead as an adult, I’ve had to wrestle with this pesky thing called shame over all the supposed potential I've got but I'm throwing away every time my brain fucks up and forces me to stay at home pretending I'm a funcional adult and trying to ignore the very big pink elefant in the room. Spoiler alert: potential is just a myth like Bigfoot or that one time I thought I could keep a cow in my grandma's bathtub.

I grew up hearing, “If you just didn’t procrastinate, you could be anything!” But honestly, I've made a 20/20 oral presentation on Religion in France over a sleepless night before said presentation that made my professor personally congratulate me at the end of class. I know I can do it. But my brain fucks up sometimes. It's something that happens and I need to live with it.

Here’s the kicker: Your top performance is NOT something you can healthly sustain forever. If it were, we’d all be superhumans with endless productivity, but reality check: sometimes I can't even leave the house to go throw the trash out (the trash can is legit in front of my building).

Now, I’m all about tackling procrastination, mainly because I like to be occupied and my mental health sky rockets when I do the shit I actually have to do. But, some days, you just can't.

So, let’s get real: I’m not wasting potential; I’m just navigating life like a human being who occasionally starts sweating over getting make the transtition between leaving their house and going to the bus. There’s no hidden hole full of productivity waiting to be discovered.

If you’re also dealing with ADHD, remember: you're not lazy. You have a brain that likes to fuck with you sometimes. You’ve got the potential of a decent human being, and with practice (and maybe some coffee...okay, a lot of coffee, but be careful with the heart palpitations), you can access it. But don’t buy into the myth that you’re not living up to some imaginary standard.

[knizmokat]

Life Update !!

this is so overdue but i've been crazy busy with college stuff (agh)

okay so you guys (probably) know that i'm in college getting a bachelors in social care and this whole semester (plus my second semester of third year) is work experience/placement.

for the americans and anyone else who doesn't know what that is: work experience is when students get a part-time or full-time job during the semester and shadow staff or professionals to get experience in their field.

my course has two work experience blocks, so i'm on placement for my entire first semester of second year (which is right now) and then also the entire second semester of third year, so i don't have any classes or lectures until January. we have to log 400 hours by the 6th of December so it's roughly 30 or 35 hours a week, for twelve weeks.

i started on the 9th of September and i'm working at a day service (or centre) for people with intellectual disabilities and mental health struggles (mostly the former). and it's actually pretty chill! my schedule is below

Mon to Thurs: 8.30 - 4.30

Wednesday: 8.30 - 12.30

Friday: 8.30 - 3.00

the place where i work always gives students a half-day so they can get more time for college work and lemme tell you, i was so hyped when i found this out because i thought it would be nine to five, monday to friday.

so like i said, it's been really chill, but adjusting to the new work routine has been really difficult because i finish at 4.30 but i don't actually get home until 5.00 and then i have to change and do stuff and it's been a little messy—but we're settling !!

the place is really chill, the service users (that's what the official term is for people who are involved with the social care sector) are all pretty nice. the majority of them are much older than me though, which is a little weird sometimes because i'm essentially in this position of leadership and 'authority' and telling a man who is a few decades older than me to go have his lunch 💀💀

the adjustment, again, has been a struggle because i've never had to create a work/life balance for myself? like when i'm at work i have to be present and focused, so i was on social media wayyy less and literally didn't message some of my friends for days outside of sending Instagram reels 💀 but like i said, i'm finally settling and finding some balance

my supervisor is also really cool, she's very flexible when it comes to missing days and says that i can make the hours whenever, like if i see an opportunity then i take it (if you don't have 400 hours logged by december, you fail placement) and she's always making sure that i'm comfortable and stuff because they haven't had a transgender student working for them before lol

outside of that uhhh not much? has happened?? i've gone through a lot of growth since August and i'm not really sure how it happened but like i'm just more confident now and i'm more comfortable in my sexuality (or should i say asexuality haha) and i've come to terms with a lot of things, been dealing with my anxiety really well (but i also got stress sick this last week because of procrastination and executive dysfunction kicking my ass)

also i got back into roleplaying bc my friend has this server and oh my God it's so good, i went ages without getting to roleplay anything because i didn't really have any partners (excluding reygn yes i see you gorgeous) and just ahh

also i'm back into anime, finally continued my hero academia and restarted jujutsu kaisen, slow going though because i'm fixating on other things simultaneously but holy shit mha season six?? goddamn

but uhh yeah so that's been my life :)

i have two fics in the works but when i'll get those finished is anybodys guess, could be next week could be next year, who knows lmao

i'm gonna try to post more on here—and i mean actually post not just reblogging shit lol

feel free to ask me whatever or leave stuff in my askbox

[timextoxhajima]

Nevertheless: Wishful Thinking [3]

[completed] [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

synopsis: why would the college flirt want anything to do with the innocent heartbreaker? a [somewhat] nevertheless au featuring tbz's eric son young jae

genre [per chapter]: suggestive material, smut *this series is a smut series so* please don't read if you're uncomfy. if you're underaged and you still wanna read, i'm not stopping you. i don't care because that's your responsibility to know what's fiction and what's not.

word count: i genuinely don't fucking know i think it's at least 4k WHY THE FUCK IS IT GETTING LONG ERJSJSJSJDNAKD

taglist: @from-xero @taeyongandfree @ten-gift @louvyves @sweetutopia @yyyereum @jung-breadshop @sunwoowuvbot @mashedpotittiess

protip: links of BGM are linked~

{this is a work of fiction}

eric swipes his thumb across his bottom lip and drags his index finger over the tip of his nose, tongue still sucking on his teeth as if it hadn't already been a day.

he was sitting on the other side of the tutorial room and you just so happened sat in a spot where he was the first person in your view when you looked up.

stupid hexagonal tables.

the moisture in your mouth suddenly evaporates, leaving your tongue dry like sandpaper against the roof of your mouth.

the lustful blanket over his eyes threaten to rip your mentality apart, and even without him touching you, the heat in your abdomen starts to clench and throb.

the thought crosses your mind, just so you can convince yourself: if eric can associate himself with sex within your primal instincts then the brain that got you here can associate him with a big, fucking, red flag.

you suck in a deep breath and hold it for awhile, eyes plastered to the ipad under your palms. crossing your legs tightly, your jeans hug your hips and waist all too perfectly.

yujeong had smacked one of her baseball friends earlier that day for staring at your legs.

after the likes of wooseok's party and the incident yesterday, you made it an effort not to show up in dresses or skirts anymore. call it ptsd, call it trauma, call it not wanting to get into trouble.

whatever it was, you didn't want eric anywhere near you.

well, despite how good he mad-

"can you stop eye-fucking him from across the room?" yujeong harshly whispers at you, glaring at you from the corner of her eyes.

"what?" throwing your tied-up hair to your other shoulder, you tilt your face to her.

"what do you mean 'what'?" yujeong hisses, nodding to the boy across the room. "y'all are fucking in your heads!"

"yes, broadcast it to the entire class, would you, please?" the sarcasm drips off your tongue with a frown.

"I'm just saying if you want him so bad then just go get a room. fucks' sake, go find a practice room or something."

"i think I'll go with 'or something'."

and in that second, your iPad lights up with a notification from the school email account.

yujeong parts her lips with a retort, but you quickly shush her by pressing a finger to your lips when the professor seemed to glance over at the two of you.

she inhales a deep breath, spotting the notification pop up on her laptop screen too.

to: all students

from: the college union

title: dance union winter getaway

dear students,

every year, more than 200 students apply for the dance union but only 20 are accepted. thus, it is of high regard that the members of the dance union utilise the annual winter getaway to bond.

this year's event will be held at lake white. all students in the dance union with leadership positions are expected to be present and those with valid reasons of absence are required to fill up the form attached to this email.

if you're interested in joining the dance union, please apply in the first week of the new academic year. applications open first week of the semester.

regards,

the student union

staring wide-eyed at the email with your apple pencil trembling in your fingers, you gulp.

fuck.

yujeong's lowly snicker sounds from next to you, and you look to her, only to watch a bright smile stretch across her face.

"what?" she snorts, tears in her eyes. "don't look at me. look at your captain."

your neck snaps to the boy across the room, who's got his phone lifted with the screen displaying the email page. he waves it around a little, raising a brow with a menacing shimmer flashing across his eyes.

your blood begins to boil without reason.

why were you suddenly stuck to him? it's like the planets and stars aligned just so he glue himself to you; so he could ruin your title and rip you apart, inch by inch.

your fists clench around the apple pencil, and you're only snapped out of your inner rage when the professor calls on you.

yujeong leans into the lockers with her books against her chest, mindlessly scrolling through her phone as you go on incessantly about the student union's decision to make it mandatory.

you swing the locker door so hard that it bounces off its limit and nearly comes back down onto your hands, but you stop it before it does.

"how does the fucking winter getaway improve our bonds?" you hurl a textbook into the locker. "it's not like we're gonna sit in a circle and sing hallelujah, right?"

"you went for that getaway last year-"

"yeah, and we did nothing besides getting shitfaced! fuck this stupid winter getaway."

"sis, say that any louder and your 'innocent heartbreaker' image is gonna change into something more like 'brutal heartbreaker'."

"don't fucking call me that," you hurl another book into your locker. "and why does everybody talk like that nowadays? 'say that any louder'? where was that from? a movie? a tiktok?"

"why are you so on edge?" yujeong pushes herself off the metal doors and frowns. "you've been on edge ever since wooseok's party."

"i am always on edge."

"what?" yujeong pulls her lips up into a slight wince as her eyes half into squints. "bullshit. what happened to your little 'innocent heartbr-"

"don't," you lift a finger, shutting your eyes and stopping her. "say another word."

yujeong raises both her brows, smirk plastered to her face as she readjusts her bag. "don't worry."

you look up at her, placing the last item in your locker.

"i don't have to."

"what?"

"so," then that godforsaken voice rings from behind you, and all your physical senses start to shut down one by one.

yujeong sees right past it, smirk turning into something less devious as she puffs her cheeks.

"about the winter getaway."

"i'll leave the two of you at it."

"what? no-"

"bye!"

"yujeong-"

she turns and strides off, short hair lathered around her neck. she waves with a bright grin, leaving you to back face the vicious heartbreaker.

you remain rooted to the ground, locker door wide open and bag slung around your right shoulder. eric waits until yujeong disappears down the hall, leaving a few other students within the vicinity to turn and stare at the two infamous dance captains.

eric walks to your side, reaching out and resting his palm on the outer edge of your locker.

"we're in open space," he smiles, gradually pushing the locker door inwards and closing it for you. then he rests his palm against the metal door, sandwiching you again. "there's not much i can do to you."

a few students turn to stare.

"unless you want me to."

"stop it."

"stop what?" he smirks and buckles his arms, forcing you to lay your back flat against the metal surface. "I'm not doing anything."

"then what are you doing now?" you frown and look up at him, knuckles whitening around your bag straps.

"having a conversation."

someone fishes a phone out, and the flashlight flickers.

eric whirls around, keeping his arm anchored to the locker.

"stand down, kid."

"sorry," he fumbles with the phone, and now you'll never know if he actually took a picture.

"anyway-"

"look, i don't know what kind of game you're playing but this isn't healthy for us if we are supposed to work together. especially with the winter getaway coming up."

eric licks his lips and lowers his head, smiling at the sudden cast of professionalism.

"it flatters me that you don't care too much about having fucked outside of wooseok's garage-"

"eric-"

"nor getting fucked out in the practice room-"

"eric-"

"or even the fact that you tied up your hair today-"

"i tie up my hair whenever i fucking want to."

"ooh," eric winces at the snap, his pearly whites glimmering under the lighting. "the 'innocent heartbreaker' is angry!"

"will you shut the fuck up?"

"aw," he coos, leaning into you and breathing down your philtrum. "make me."

your fists finally clench, jaws locked and temples tightened.

"I'll rip off your dick if you touch me again. now, back off."

you press your palms flat into his chest and shove him away, breaking him into light chuckles as he stumbles back.

you pull your bag back onto your shoulder, turning sharply and stomping off.

"hey! we still need to meet up to discuss the plans for lake white!"

the scent of half-painted canvases with acrylic paint washes through your nose when you enter your room.

it's definitely bigger than what a normal room should look like, but it's not your fault that both your parents work under Lee Enterprises, the country's telemarketing company.

the studio corner of your room is in a mess, and you're just halfway done painting the edges of your mirror.

which for specific reasons, you can't really look at it anymore.

the peculiar object you chose to decorate the glass surface hang idly on the corner of the frame, reflecting the afternoon sun spilling into the room.

eric son: so when do we discuss the plans for lake white?

eric son: i don't like to procrastinate

"'discuss the plans for lake white'," mumbling under your breath, you dump your bag into the corner of your room, huffing and resting your hands on your hips. "he's the damn captain, isn't he? he can do it on his own."

notification: acrylic paint to be delivered today

your phone automatically links up with the bluetooth speaker in the room, and you mindlessly tap on the shuffle button before pulling off your shoes.

eric son: okay so I'm thinking groups of four

you pull off your jacket and let the ends of your ponytail brush across your back where the camisole doesn't cover, cool air rushing across the hairs on your skin.

eric son: we can play truth or dare

the bass rumbles through the flooring as you pull off your jeans, throwing on one of those open-holed shorts that no one was ever going to see you in - not even yujeong.

the doorbell rings, yanking you out of your mental rage session over eric son.

acrylic paint.

picking up a cardigan and tying it around your waist, you jog down the stairs and pull open the door without hesitation.

She's just that type of girl

"what. in the world. are you doing here?"

eric tilts his head to the side, his eyes running the length of your body - all the way down to your feet and back up.

"you weren't replying my texts so i thought-" then he raises both hands from his sides, taking a step back and gesturing to your front porch like he owned it. "what better way to have your presence than to go to you?"

"how do you know where i live?" a frown befalls your brows, and your grip tightens on the door handle.

"it's in the school records for student leaders," he offers you a smug shrug, taking a step back to where he was previously standing.

your lips part in an attempt to challenge his explanation, but then he waves it off with a cheeky snicker. "I'm joking. yujeong told me."

"now, why the fuck would she give you my address?"

"hey, captain to captain! plus she knows i won't hurt you."

a scoff runs off your tongue. "you want me to believe that you won't hurt me?"

eric's tongue darts across his lips as he leans on the door frame. "not in your house. oh, i wouldn't dare, princess."

with a huff, you blink away the eye contact first, taking a step back and tugging on the door. "don't fucking call me that."

but his hand flies out and thuds against the wood, keeping the door open. he slowly steps forward, letting himself in.

"then what should i call you?"

"names exist," you step back and grip onto the empty arms of your cardigan around your waist. he closes the door, pulling the chain to lock it.

"then do you prefer y/n or 'innocent heartbreaker'?"

you squint at him, cocking your face at an angle as you back up again.

the answer settles in your head, but you can't say it out loud.

because he's already debunked it.

She's just that type of girl

"fun playlist," eric nods up the stairs, arm stretching out to you and snaking around your waist.

"don't fucking touch me-"

then his other hand circles you as well, his arms around you as he holds you to him, lowering his face into yours. an arching back tries to keep his face off yours, but any more and your spine would've snapped into two.

his nose presses into your cheek as he slots his lips between yours, and the world goes into a muffled silence for a few seconds.

or maybe that was just your playlist moving on.

your nails dig the inside of your clenched palm, fists against his chest as he pulls you up to deepen the kiss, lips moving with yours in some intricate dance of dominance.

on beat with the distant bass coming from your room.

he lets out the first groan, his hands gradually sliding down your back and groping the flesh of your rear that's poking out from under your shorts.

the harsh grip squeezes a whimper out from you, your entire body cringing forward into him and closing the gap between you. with one palm still holding onto your ass, the other comes back up in between your shoulder blades, keeping your chest plastered to his.

eric turns you around, holding you against the wall that leads up to the stairs. your back is flat against the surface, hair stuck to the felt of the wall with your thigh being pulled up over his pelvis.

We should just calm down and fuck some time

then he pulls away and huffs, lips hung wide open and his eyes completely lost in yours. in a low growl, subtly shakes his head as if to disapprove your disobedience against the song lyrics.

"oh, we fucking should."

eric doesn't bother waiting for a response before dipping his nose into your jaw, lips latching onto the tender skin of your neck.

"you coming here-" a jolt of bliss rushes through you when he finds a tender spot, his arms tightening around your waist to keep you close and against the wall. "-was not an invitation-"

the cologne on his clothes starts to intoxicate you like alcohol does to any normal person, the scent of his hair and his clothes wafting and shuffling all around you.

"but you don't hate me being here, do you, princess?" he mumbles into your skin, nipping at the spot behind your lobe. your eyes flutter shut, fists clenching against his shoulder blades.

"come on," he whispers. "we've done it outside and in a practice room, surely you must feel more comfortable in your own bed?"

your eyes widen upon the suggestion, the thought of that cursed object hanging over the corner of your mirror in the room suddenly pulling your soul back into your body.

"no, we can't."

eric pulls away from you, lips reddened from the nipping. they are apart, and his breathing slows as he studies your face.

the panic in your eyes is far too grave for him to miss.

"why not?"

gulp.

"you don't happen to-"

"it's not a vibrator."

eric raises his brows, caging you between his arms as he corners you further, chest on yours and his lips right above your lashes.

"perhaps a-"

"it's not a dildo either."

he pouts in slight disappointment when he can hear the stark honesty in your voice.

his chest rises and lowers under his shirt, listening to your breathing that hitches in your throat every now and then; observing your discipline to keep your eyes away from him.

"you're not gonna tell me what it is?"

glaring at him through the corner of your eye, you shake your head with a resounding 'no'.

he pauses.

then he leans into your ear.

"you being scared is just making me a little more curious, princess."

"curiosity kills the cat."

eric pulls away and slides his arms off the wall. "cats have 9 lives."

the number of sirens that go off in your head spikes, and before you can process his words, he grabs your arm and pulls you onto his shoulder.

"oh my god!" his arm wraps around your lower back, knees against his chest and the world from your eyes upside down as he hoists you up the stairs. "put me down, jesus christ!"

"the more you yell, the more you're gonna regret it, princess," he warns while chuckling to himself. "what could it be, if it's not a dildo or a vibrator?"

then the warmth of his palm reaches up to your shorts, and his fingers dig under the cloth of your underwear.

"fuck, eric-"

all too easily, he pushes a finger into you, your entire body cringing from the sudden intrusion. your eyes blur out just as he makes it to the second floor, and he doesn't need to ask which door he should be heading to.

not when your door has a framed portrait of yourself from last year's concert.

the door creaks open when he pushes the two of you into your room, greeting the sunlight drawn across the floor and his finger still buried inside you.

you heave a sigh when he pulls his finger out and shoves it into his mouth, leaning over your bed to rest you into the cushion.

automatically, his eyes are on high alert, scanning your room. but by the time you've regained your senses and the blood's returned to the rest of your body from your head, he finds it.

resting on the back of your forearms, your breath turns shakey and your eyes twitching from the sight of it dangling off his fingers.

eric turns to look at the mirror, turning the item in his fingers to match the painting of it on the edges.

"so," he returns to you, raising a cocky brow and smirking. "you get high off painting handcuffs on your mirror?"

you tightly shut your eyes as the frown cements into your forehead.

"fuck."

eric scoffs, tongue dragging across his upper lip as he walks towards you and lifts a knee to your bed, the other following.

"this really makes me question how you even got your reputation," eric jingles it from his fingers, his free hand reaching down to draw circles on your right ankle.

"it's just acrylic paint. i paint something new every month-"

"and so your choice for november was... handcuffs?" he wraps his hot fingers around your ankle and yanks you downwards, your crotch nearly meeting his knees.

"it's not my fault you decided to play this game the month i decided to get something remotely inappropriate."

"'remotely inappropriate'," eric repeats, smiling as he lowers himself. the handcuff still within his right hand, his left draws trails up your right leg, playing with the rim of your shorts where they were already riled up enough to expose a bit of your underwear. "so, tell me princess. why did you choose this-"

he holds it up and jingles it over your nose. "to paint?"

"surely it's not because it's pretty."

"or maybe you think it'll look pretty around your wrists?"

eric reaches for your hands and you struggle upon instinct, he pins your dominant hand down first and clips the first cuff around your wrist.

"eric-"

he finds your free hand and connects both your wrists, clipping the other cuff despite your struggling.

eric sucks a deep breath, then parts his lips to exhale. pushing himself off you, he pulls your shorts off first, eyes trailing across every inch of your body with your wrists cuffed together.

the thoughts wash through you involuntarily.

the wooden planks. the dress. the torn underwear.

the mirror. the fogging. the skirt.

the tears collect in the corners of your eyes even before he can completely get it off your ankles.

then he pulls your legs apart for him to lock them in place with his own thighs, crouching over your body like a lion devouring his prey.

he pushes your arms up and above your head, making it difficult for you to bring them back down with your wrists bound together.

his breath is hot on your chest where he first dips his nose into, tongue swiping across the skin of your heaving ribs. hands coming up your waist and pushing them up your torso, it exposes your ribcage and bra.

inch by inch, he breaths down the length of your torso, from your chest and over to your stomach with your camisole rolled up messily over your bra.

upon reaching the rim of your underwear (and heaving stomach as you pant and huff in a bid to calm your nerves), he stops and looks up at you.

"thank god you rejected wooseok."

then both his hands come down to your chest to rip apart your camisole, pulling it out from under you before he unbuckles your bra.

you swallow the first whimper already on the tip of your tongue, but your stomach plunges and your back arches violently when he takes the tip of your breast between his lips.

left hand coming round to grip your other, his right travels down to play with your sensitivity, forcing your body into subtle jolts with the overwhelming sensation.

he tugs on your tip, grazing it between his teeth before releasing it and latching his lips onto the tender flesh in a bid to make his mark.

your brows finally furrow into a frown of bliss, jaw hung agape though struggling to contain the lewd noises prancing about in the back of your throat.

he rolls the other tip between his index finger and thumb, sucking and kissing the reddening flesh of your chest.

and down below, he's pushed your underwear aside, thumb abusing your sensitivity and buckling your hips upwards.

he provides you one sharp bite on your tip, earning a strained hiss from between your teeth. it feeds his pride, for he removes himself off you completely and stares down at you, admiring the painting he's made on your chest.

hickeys.

grip marks.

and the wet patch on your underwear between your legs.

he turns and shifts off the bed, leaving you to catch your breath and cross your legs over one another.

the clacking about in your studio corner drives the tears into your eyes, listening to the lid of the box where you keep your paint come off.

you shut your eyes, resigning to fate.

for your body is in burning need and the discipline to go against his word has betrayed you.

you hear his belt come undone, the weight of his clothes hitting the carpeted ground before the mattress around your legs sink again.

"oh... princess~" he sings, coaxing you out of your mental begging that this was just a nightmare.

a corner drags across your stomach, and your eyes fly open to see his fingers wrapped around a bottle of acrylic paint, completely oblivious to him pulling your underwear off your legs.

black.

the only color that was still relatively abundant.

then the sight of his nudity drives you up a wall inside your head; better yet, driving your resignation up against your own skull.

the lines of his pelvic bone leading down to his manhood all for your eyes to feast on, and even if you wanted to look away, you couldn't.

fuck.

"listen to me very carefully, princess..." he shakes the bottle, then proceeds to unscrew the cap. "I'm sure you don't want any of these on your bed, right?"

chills run through your body when he tilts the bottle over, squeezing the paint onto his palms.

"so," he blinks back to you, eyes wide and cautious. "my advice?"

and with that, he carefully caps the bottle, effortlessly tossing it over his shoulder and back into the box.

he presses his palms together, spreading the paint across his skin.

"don't move too much."

with a wide grin, he smudges the paint into your thighs and up your stomach, sliding the paint all the way to your breasts where he offers a harsh grip.

he doesn't give you a chance to respond to that before he slides himself into you, your neediness allowing him entrance far too easily.

by now, your body was somewhat conditioned to recognise his size, but the idea of him buried deep inside you and his groaning coating the room makes you a little more feral; a little more insane.

the whimper that runs off your tongue is mercilessly lapped up by him when he leans over to kiss you, tongue shoved into your mouth in a bid to shut you up.

he rolls his hips back and forth, unwilling to stop and definitely unwilling to give you any kind of mercy when it comes to making you lose your grip on reality.

he pulls away and resumes an upright position, abs flexed and his palms still gripping onto your chest like his life depended on it.

but eric seems to be a little on edge himself, for this was his first time seeing all of you under him, instead of your humility covered by a dress or a skirt and worrying about being caught in school.

no.

now, he can feast his eyes on you like the predator he is.

not only does he decide to leave his own marks, but marks that you gave him access to.

his handprints are black on your skin and the entire bed is jerking along with every thrust he's offering you.

you finally let out a strained cry, tears collecting in your eyes with the bliss rushing through you over and over again like a broken record. eric's breath turns shaky, and his grip on you begins to loosen when his thighs start to convulse.

by some miracle, the last thrust hits your climax and he pulls out almost immediately after to coat the paint on your stomach with himself.

cream on black.

eric huffs arrogantly, taking deep breaths to retain his breathing as he releases you, stepping back to take in the sight of you in your own bed, ruined by him.

"you definitely look pretty in cuffs."

[bukojuiice]

ʚ  Midoriya, Bakugo, and Todoroki cramming school works with their S/O  ɞ *‧.₊˚*੭*ˊᵕˋ੭.*

izuku, katsuki, and shoto x gn! reader  ♡ 

｡⋆ʚ♡⃛ɞ These are some extremely self-indulgent hcs LMAO i’m currently consumed by a lot of school works and extracurricular activities, so i decided to take the time and write some of these up! this the first batch of hcs i’ve ever made so i hope you bear with some errors! i hope you enjoy!

hopefully i get to write more about the other bnha bois/girls soon so please also stay tuned for that!

if you like to see more from me, i have an ongoing bakugo x fem reader! smau called cuddle buddy! read it here!  ( ु•⌄• )  

✧ Izuku is very smart and hardworking so you’ve barely seen him cram any school work or tasks since the two of you started going out.

✧ Soft bby boi knows how to balance his workload from school whilst still being able to spend time with you.

✧ Now here were the two of you, partners for a huge science project that would serve as your midterms for the subject.

✧  Both of you were tasked to take care of two chicken eggs and treat them as your children. Draw faces on them, make them wear clothes, give them names and describe their personalities... literally treating them like actual babies.

✧ You were whining about it at first because it felt like an elementary project instead of something first year high school students (and those in the hero program for that matter) would do.

✧ Izuku remained positive however and reassured you that it was going to be a lot of fun.

✧ You were still salty and unimpressed by the project, but you couldn’t help but melt because of how cute Izuku was and how excited he was for this task. He really wanted to spend a lot of time with you and he was so so happy that you two were partnered for this project.

✧ Because it was midterms week, you were swarmed with tons and tons of stuff to do, so the two of you decided to finish everything else first then deal with the science project at the end of the week because it was the “easiest”. Boy.. were the both of you so so wrong.

✧ Izuku goes up to your room in the dorm so that the both of you can work on the project quietly, yet as he enters, he sees you panicking and running around the room, your camera hanging around your neck, holding two half-cracked eggs with weirdly sewn clothes and faces that looked like they were scribbled from sharpies.

✧ “Izu-kun... can you help me take pictures of our kids for the baby photobook? 

✧ He was about to faint on the spot from fantasizing about his future with you. 

✧ “Of course! hand me All Might Jr. first so you can take a picture of his cute little sister!” 

✧  Yes, your first born eggo is named after All Might. It was Izuku’s decision and you wanted to support him.

✧ You spent all day taking pictures, printing them, designing them and pasting them on the photo album. It was finally nighttime and the both of you are terribly exhausted and mentally drained.

✧ You and Izuku had creative minds so you were able to create the perfect photo album.

✧ Several hours have passed and Izuku still can’t stop thinking of the future he was going to have with you. What a cutie.

✧  After submitting and passing the photobook to the drop box Ilda left in the living room, Izuku goes up again to your room and is surprised by the sight of you sleeping soundly on your bed.

✧ He comes up to you, kisses your forehead and whispers these soft words to you:

✧ “I can’t wait to tell our future kids how I met you.” 

✧ Bakugo Katsuki has never crammed a school work or project in his entire life.

✧ You on the other hand, procrastinated a lot, yet could still pass tasks on time. Although, Katsuki still reprimands you for it. Calling you “dumb butt” instead of the usual name callings he uses whenever talking to your classmates which is “dumb ass” 

✧ He is your boyfriend so it’s not that much of a surprise, it’s just that you’re a bit shocked that he would be really really soft on you. It’s such a sweet gesture though.

✧ After binging a entire series on Netflix the other day, and because he couldn’t resist your pleas of begging him to watch this show with you, it completely slipped from the both of your minds that you had a dance project to work on for your Physical Education class.

✧  You immediately panicked, and Bakugo began to show his usual hot-headed side of him and scolded you for it. Despite him forgetting about it too.

✧ The two of you were going to film yourselves dancing to the Cha Cha dance style and you had a day to create the raw video without edits.

✧  You suggested that the two of you practice by uploading your videos to Tiktok and ask for advice from the professionals who posted their videos there too

✧ “Katsuki-kun do you think we should upload our videos to Tiktok?”

✧  “Absolutely fucking not.”  

✧ After watching a few beginner dance practice videos on Youtube, Katsuki immediately got the hang of it.

✧ Your man had the moves. He really was good at everything.

✧ You couldn’t help but stare at him as he continues to sway and follow the steps without missing a beat.

✧ Bakugo smirks at you, “Like what you see?”

✧ “Get your mind out of the gutter.” You threw a pillow at him as his tease came out of nowhere. 

✧  Since you were quite a slow-learner, it took a few hours before you got the hang of the first routine.

✧ In those few hours, you probably have stepped on Bakugo’s toes a few hundred times and a few hundred fucks were cursed out of his mouth every time it happened.

✧  He was still patient with you though in his own little way. Constantly scolding you every time you made a mistake, but never made you feel guilty for it. 

✧ You were able to finish recording the raw video by evening. A few hours to spare before the deadline. Either way,  the both of you were exhausted when the adrenaline finally died down. 

✧ “I can’t wait to dance with you again like this. Maybe Waltz or Ballroom next time?”

✧ “You’re a shitty dancer so don’t expect it to happen anytime soon.”

✧ “Then again, I’m dancing with you. So it doesn’t matter if you’re bad. The important thing is, it’s going to be special since I’m with you.”

✧ And at that moment, you could feel your heart explode from all these soft emotions.

✧ Shoto was naturally smart. He could finish a lot of tasks in a few hours without getting distracted. That was his strategy ever since he was in Elementary. Getting things done right away and getting flawless remarks and grades on them.

✧ But ever since the two of you got together, he insisted that the two of you would do your school works together. So, every night, whenever there was homework, you would immediately yeet over to Shoto’s room to answer the tasks with him.

✧ It’s really cute. Not only do the two of you get to bond together but, you were helping each other too. It was the ideal relationship.

✧ Shoto is very particular with a lot of fancy things, so he even has this humidifier in his room with your favorite scent so that the both of you can calmly continue your work.  He even has a comforter sprawled upon the floor so that you could sit comfortably. How sweet of him ;w; 

✧ This time around though, the two of you were partnered up for  to answer a elaborate math problem that you were going to present the next day. 

✧ You exceled in your subjects with Math being your weakest point, sometimes even getting unfavorable grades on the subject. Shoto was the exact opposite though. Which wasn’t surprising because he needed to be good for his quirk. How far his fire can go, the trajectory of his ice and all that jazz. 

✧  He wasn’t disappointed that he was partnered with you for this though, despite it being your weakness. In fact he couldn’t be happier. As long as he was spending time with you. 

✧ After reading through the problem and finding the formula, you were already stressed out. Todoroki took notice of this immediately and decided that the two of you should take a break first. He brings you to the convenience store near the dorm. Your hand holding his as he tells you that you could buy any snack you want.

✧ Using his father’s credit card of course.

✧ After coming back from the store, the two of you decided to head straight back to the math problem. It was very very complicated,  especially since the two of you had to divide the work because it was required for the project for the two of you to evenly contribute to it. It was a math problem your braincells couldn’t take anymore.

✧ “Shoto-kun, I can’t take this anymoreee.” You whined, resting your head on his shoulder.

✧ “Come on (Y/N), just a little bit more. We’re almost finished.”

✧  Shoto was finished with his part of the solution, while you were still struggling. It took the whole night to do so but you were able to answer it eventually.

✧  The next day, it was finally time for the presentation. Shoto was able to present his solution perfectly, while you had some slip-ups and mistakes here and there. The both of you didn’t get a good grade because of that... but to him, it didn’t matter.

✧ “I’m sorry for dragging you into this. It’s my fault we got a bad grade.”

✧ “It’s alright (Y/N). It doesn’t matter. As long as I get to experience something different with you and spend time with you every single day, I’m happy and contented. 

✧ You were so blessed to have someone like Todoroki Shoto in your life. What did you to deserve such a precious and kind boyfriend?

-End.  ♡‧₊˚

[rinstudiesthings]

Creating a Routine When You Don't Have Any Daily Structure

So I know that when I have appointments or classes to hold me accountable, I create a daily/weekly routine in order to help myself get everything done. It works every time and I get things done. However, the moment I don't have classes anymore, when I don't have to do anything.... I don't do anything. I can't get anything done unless I'm told I have to.

This has endlessly frustrated me, because I want to be able to accomplish something on my own terms. I also run out of energy (or "spoons") easily since I have to work around adhd, chronic pain, and other issues.

So what's the solution? How do you become productive on your own terms when you're stuck with executive function issues and addicted to short term satisfaction?

A routine.

I used to hate them, because I could never actually stick to them. I found them boring and a waste of time. But there's a way to do it right.

A Five Step Process to Creating a Proper Routine

1. Sit down and plan it out.

With this, get a piece of paper and a pen or create a document on the computer you can print out. (I know handwriting hurts a lot with carpal tunnel/arthritis). Firstly, we need to be realistic with how much you can get done in a day. How many things can you do comfortably without pushing yourself too hard. Remember, you're doing this during a rest period, meaning you don't want to burn out. If that means it's 5 things such as wake up, shower, dress, cook/eat, and one other thing you want to do, then plan for that. For me, I already know I have enough energy in the day to do all of my daily hygiene and needs and have energy to do more things. So this is my outline:

A. Get ready

B. Write at least one sentence in novel

C. Spend one hour studying target language

D. Clean room

E. Spend time reading/knitting

F. Allow time to meditate or journal mood

And that's my goals for a regular rest day.

2. Prioritize every daily goal

You may end up with other things you have to do during a rest day. That doesn't mean you push yourself to do all of those goals on top of whatever else you have to do. It means that you have to let something else fall by the wayside for a day.

Pick and choose what you find crucial to do in a day, and what you're okay with allowing to skip during a busy day. Then, list it by priority. For me, it looks like this:

A. Get ready

B. Clean room

C. Spend time reading/knitting

D. Allow time to meditate or journal mood

E. Spend one hour studying target language

F. Write at least one sentence in novel

I know that if I was busy during a portion of the day, I'm going to want to prioritize tasks that help center and relax me rather than mentally and physically draining ones. I also care about cleanliness and feeling ready to face the day, so the first two are non-negotiable to me.

3. Organize yourself accordingly

What I mean by this, is that you have to execute this correctly to push yourself to actually do it. This means putting that list somewhere you will struggle to ignore it, and if you have adhd like me, I recommend changing it's position once a week, or it will begin to fade into the background and you will forget about it.

This also means organizing supplies for any hobby or task you will be tackling. I recommend keeping these supplies in a nice stack, pile, or box/jar (that's see through) if you have adhd or somewhere easily accessible if you have chronic pain. For me, I keep trays in the area where that task usually takes place so I can see it, and it doesn't physically drain me to get it.

Lastly, this means recognizing what is getting in your way. What is your biggest time waster? For me, it's a mix of tiktok, ao3, and YouTube. But they all have one thing in common. The internet, and my phone/laptop. I open my phone every morning and waste an hour on tiktok because I wake up in pain and freezing. I open my laptop at lunch and waste time watching YouTube while eating, and before I know it, it's 6 pm! You have to identify what wastes your time and how you are going to minimize that issue. In fact, this was so hard for me that my next step is about how to help combat this.

4. Set reminders/alarms

Setting a phone alarm might seem counter productive to staying off of your phone, but it actually really helps. As someone with adhd, I struggle to stop and start doing tasks. I have to start a new task at the right time (ex. 2:00, 3:15, 4:30) usually at 15 minute or half hour intervals and if I miss it, I procrastinate until the next "correct" interval. This is DUMB but I can't stop my brain from thinking this way so I have to accommodate for that.

So, here's what I do.

Let's say my plan is to stop being on the computer at 2:00 pm everyday. This is realistic for me since I wake up at 10:00 and eat around 12:30. I will then set an alarm for 1:50 pm, because that will warn me that in 10 minutes, I have to change tasks, so I can prepare myself for it. I set another alarm for 1:57, just to help myself stay reminded and give myself time to properly wrap up whatever I was doing online. Set my last alarm for 2:00 pm and make sure to close the laptop as soon as I hear the alarm, before dismissing it.

I'm now free to change mindsets to whatever priority I have next on my list, so I make sure to clean my area, and set up for the next task, such as language learning.

These alarms can be really helpful to help you keep track of time, it forces you to ground yourself in the present moment and make sure you can't lose track of time. However, I understand that people with sensory processing issues may not like a harsh alarm sound, or anything loud.

The alarm can be a pleasant sound that will get your attention as well. I like birds chirping or Chopin as an alarm sound.

5. Be forgiving

You won't immediately make this work. You won't just magically wake up and perfect this routine and become super productive. This is a guideline to help make it easier to begin.

There are plenty of other tips and tricks to help focus and get things done, but this is to help create a Routine. This will work best if you wake up and go to bed at relatively the same time everyday. Which for people with adhd, that can be difficult. If you want more tips on sleep and adhd let me know, or send me an ask.

Don't be angry and give up if it doesn't go perfectly. Just keep trying. Don't expect perfection, expect mediocrity. Mediocrity is fine, or really, great in a routine. It's supposed to be a little flexible, you're supposed to fuck it up sometimes. A guideline doesn't understand exactly how you feel that day, how tired you are, or how stressed you are. Be nice to yourself and just give it a try!

Good luck!!

[mikauzoran]

The Ascendancy of The Plan ™ (re: Mikau’s WIPs)

So, I feel like I’ve gotten a lot accomplished in the past few months since I last did one of these status updates. Most of the stories I ended up writing were much longer than anticipated, and I’ve had a lot of ideas just pop into my head that I hadn’t originally been planning, so this list isn’t going to look very different from the last one, but I promise that I have accomplished things, and there are some new projects in the works. ^.^;

I’m currently posting the final chapters of Among the Wild Things and Betting Against the House. Below is a list of works I have planned for the coming months. Let me know what sounds interesting or what you’re excited for.

Anhedonia: When Adrien Met Marinette: (Adrienette, post-reveal/pre-relationship, roommates) So, I’m taking a screenplay writing class, and we’re studying the scripts of several movies to get a feel for how the writer evokes different cognitive responses from the audience. One of the movies is When Harry Met Sally. I’ve never seen this movie, but apparently it’s about two friends finally ending up together after some trials and tribulations. It’s about never giving up on finding love and happiness...only I’m feeling depressed at the moment, and I don’t want to hear about true love because I’m lonely and despair of ever finding someone to share a life with. So I’m using my feelings to write a story. ^.^ Naturally. XD

It’s post-reveal/pre-relationship Adrienette. They’re roommates, and there’s been a misunderstanding because Marinette didn’t tell Adrien how she felt about him after she found out he was Chat Noir, and he’s told her that he’s over her because he thinks that the only way to preserve their friendship (since she’s already turned down his advances as Ladybug, so, obviously, she wouldn’t want him as Marinette either). It has a happy ending, and they straighten things out because I still believe in finding true love and happiness. XD I’m a sap like that, and these two deserve happiness.

Ladrien Present: (Adrienette, Ladrien) I’m still trying to write a story where Ladybug brings Adrien’s birthday party to him. ^.^; I have half of it written (the Adrienette half), and I have an outline for the rest. I just...need to sit down and make myself write it. I’ve seriously been procrastinating on this one. I don’t know what my deal is. -.-;

Marichat Prompt: This is an overflow prompt I received as part of my Productive Procrastination Prompt Giveaway. It’s about Chat Noir visiting Marinette and it somehow coming up in conversation that Marinette has always thought of Chat as a player. For some reason, this makes Chat really angry because he can’t stand her in particular thinking that about him. I thought this story out a couple months ago, but I didn’t write it down, so now I’ve forgotten, and I’m going to have to think up the plot all over again. XD

Alyadrino Prompt: Someone sent me an Ask that said, “Snuggle party makes me imagine what if nino and alya accidentally did to adrien what luka and marinette intentionally did to him in shades 12″, and I thought, “…Oh, all right. Why not?” I had a basic outline of what I wanted to do with this story a couple months ago, but I didn’t write it down, so now I have to figure it out all over again. Oh, well. I have the basic idea, I think.

Lukadrigaminette: At the beginning of the month, I thought, “I should do Valentine’s Day stories!” I ended up writing a Marichat one, and then I had this idea. It’s not Valentine’s Day related, so I decided to shelve it for later. So, several years ago, my friend and I concocted this scheme to bake for our respective crushes and win their hearts that way. It’s a really fond memory for me, and I’m turning it into a Lukadrigaminette story. Luka and Kagami join forces to bake for Adrien and Marinette in order to win their love.

Plagg and Wayzz Prompt: I got a comment on one of my stories that said, “Can you do a top wayzz bottom plagg one? Preferably in universe and in human form. Doesn’t have to be smut.” First I thought, “What the bloody hell?” because it was a comment on a Lukadrien story, and that’s all it said, and I thought, “Well, that’s random.” I’ve never really written Wayzz before, but this gave me the idea for a story where the team is up against an akuma that somehow separates them from their kwamis, leaving the heroes unable to detransform and the kwamis in defenseless human form. What I came up with really doesn’t have anything to do with the prompt other than Plagg and Wayzz will both be in human form. It will probably just end up being a Lady Noir identity reveal piece, honestly.

Supportive Adrien Lukadrien One-Shot(?): I haven’t actually pinned this story down well yet. ^.^; I was just thinking that I wanted to write something where Adrien is the one supporting and encouraging Luka, since I typically write Luka being a supportive presence for Adrien. I was thinking that the scenario could be that Luka is feeling down because Marinette still loves Adrien and things aren’t going well between Marinette and Luka, so Adrien takes Luka on an outing and confesses his love and they live happily ever after or something.

The only thing is that a different scenario is trying to creep into this story. It’s really weird. It’s post-Papillon defeat, and Adrien is twenty-four (Luka is twenty-six). He’s been in kind of rough shape the past few years since his father was arrested and he lost his family and home and fortune. He couldn’t finish university, and he’s been travelling around, trying to find work and make a life for himself. He ends up back in Paris, broke, and auditions for a band because he happened to see a flyer advertising for a new lead vocalist. It just so happens that it’s Luka’s band, and Luka ends up finding out about Adrien’s situation and taking him in and feeding him...but that scenario is just more Luka taking care of Adrien, and that’s not what I wanted to write. XD It also feels like multiple chapters, and I don’t want to go there. Oh, well. We’ll see what happens.

Adrien Trapped in AU-Land: (Adrienette, canon universe featuring AUs) My idea is based off of a writing prompt submitted by @graaythekwami on the @miraculousfanworks Discord server: AU where all the characters wake up in a different AU every chapter, fully remembering what happened in the last AU. My idea is for Chat Noir to get hit by an akuma (probably named Escapist or something equally dumb ^.^) who traps Adrien in a series of alternate realities (AUs) until he realizes his feelings for Marinette and manages to break free.

L’Amour de Loin: (Lukadrien, post-Papillon defeat, Félix wingman) I did a sneak peek for this here. This was one of the two “Winter Lukadrien Pieces” mentioned on my last status update. Adrien is living in London with his aunt and cousin three years after Papillon’s defeat and arrest. He’s in rough shape and hasn’t kept in touch with anyone from Paris. One day, he gets a text from Luka out of the blue, and they rekindle their friendship. Félix acts as wingman to ensure that it turns into something more.

Adrienette Hanahaki: Awhile ago I did an ask game about a trope I’d like to try writing, and the one I came up with was Adrien with Hanahaki disease (The one where you start coughing up flower petals due to unrequited love making flowers grow inside your lungs). I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided I’d like to actually write this story. My basic outline is: Adrien starts showing symptoms, and Gabriel badgers him about whom he’s in love with, and Adrien just blurts out, “Marinette!” And Gabriel threatens Marinette into dating Adrien, and they start fake dating but then fall in love.

Happenstance and Magic: Marichat May 2019. Marinette and Chat Noir adopt kittens together, and Adrien tries to get Marinette to see that he’s not perfect but still a worthwhile person deserving of her love.

I’ve been thinking about this one, and I think I’m going to cut the number of prompts I actually use. Once I’m done with the other stories, I want to sit down and make a more thorough outline of what I want the story to be and which prompts I’m going to use to get me there.

The Seduction of Adrien Agreste: This is part of the Springtime in Wonderland (Daisy/Jabberwocky) series. It deals with Luka and Adrien experimenting with physical intimacy to see if they can reach a compromise where Luka and (asexual) Adrien are both comfortable and have their needs met.

Things Currently on the Backburner:

The Rejects Club: Predominantly Marichat with Adrienette. Chat Noir and Marinette unexpectedly grow very close very fast as they open up to one another after Marinette overhears Adrien seemingly dismissing her as a romantic prospect. Identity shenanigans at farcical levels ensue.

I can’t really deal with Rejects right now. I’m feeling super overwhelmed by basic life stuff, so I don’t really have the mental or emotional energy to put into a story where I don’t know how many more chapters there will be until the end. I’m thinking that what I have planned will take at least another one or two hundred thousand words. This thing is just so massive, and I’m not in good enough mental heath to deal with it right now.

Springtime in Wonderland: Yeah, no. See the paragraph directly above. This is another one that’s going to take another couple hundred thousand words to complete, and I just don’t have the stamina in me right now. I’d rather focus on smaller projects that actually feel attainable. I’m trying not to burn myself out.

And that’s it for the moment. I’m sure I’ll come up with plenty of other stuff between now and the next time I do a status update post, but is there anything that you’re particularly interested in? Let me know what you’re thinking.

Thoughts? Feelings? Suggestions? Opinions? ^.^

[yodawgiherd]

Red flag pt.2

>>>Read on AO3<<<

Q and A sessions are surprisingly fun to write. Rating still M, I'm not thErE yEt. ^^

A week.

One week was how long Mikasa managed before the curiosity killed the proverbial cat and her fingers tapped the name of the newest addition to her contact list. Eren picked up on the fifth ring, sounding sleepy, which she thought was strange considering that it was about two in the afternoon.

“Yeager.”, came his muffled voice, followed by a yawn.

It took her a second before Mikasa realized that she didn’t give him her number, as per their agreement, so he had no idea who’s calling.

“Hey, it’s Mikasa.”, she re-introduced herself, “Remember me?”

There was a sound on the other end, a shuffle of bedding as he sat up straight.

“Of course I do, the pretty girl with the pretty name.”

“The one and only. Listen, is that lunch offer still on the table?”

“Totally, just tell me the place and time and I’ll be there.”

“Really? I can pick anything?”

He chuckled at how excited her voice became.

“I’m not a picky eater.”

“And it’s still on you, right?”

“Yep.”

“Well then…”

The sushi place was fancy, far above her poor-ass student budget. She was there twice so far, once Levi treated her when the news of Mikasa being accepted at the university arrived, and once when it was her birthday and Sasha decided to splurge for her best friend. And boy did Mikasa love both those experiences. She felt a bit guilty, abusing Eren’s blind trust like that, but hey, he offered it first, and judging from the state of his flat, he wasn’t doing half bad for himself. If it came to the worst, Mikasa was prepared to split the bill, she did have some money from her part-time job. The food was worth it.

Eren wasn’t there when she arrived, so Mikasa picked a table, getting herself comfortable. When the waitress came, she almost sent her away, to wait for Eren, but then reminded herself that she’s , most likely, not paying. Appetizer it was. When he finally arrived, she was already halfway done with the fried chicken pieces, which earned a raised eyebrow.

“Hungry?”, he asked, removing his coat and sitting down himself.

“Famished.”, she agreed, “Forgot to eat breakfast.”

She skipped breakfast willingly to save space for this feast, but that was something Eren didn’t need to know. Most likely satisfied with her little lie, he nodded before picking up the menu himself. The evening progressed with somewhat casual conversation and excellent food. Eren asked her how she’s doing lately, and Mikasa described the procrastinating bliss she’s been living in since her last exam. That paradise was coming to an end, however, as she needed to get out of the city soon and back to her hometown.

“To visit your parents?”, he asked, understandably not knowing the bitter truth that Mikasa wasn’t ready to share yet.

Instead, she shook her head.

“No, I have a part-time work at my brother’s gym.”, she pointed towards herself, “One personal trainer, right here.”

Luckily, Eren didn’t press the issue. The way he knew when to stop asking was an amazing thing, and Mikasa secretly wished that more people would be born with that gift. To break the silence that followed, and to change the course of the conversation, Mikasa decided to strike back.

“So, Eren, how about we stop beating around the bush.”

His grin was cheeky.

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Please, as if you don’t know why I came here in the first place.”

He picked up one sushi roll that he was eating, with a fork like a damn savage, turning it against the light.

“The free food?”

She scowled at his amused expression.

“Because of my amazing company?”, he guessed again, getting a sigh in return.

“As if.”

“Wow, you hurt me.”

The smile present in the answer was infectious, and Mikasa had a hard time resisting it.

“You are quite the egoist, aren’t you?”

“So I’m told.”, Eren shrugged, unbothered by that accusation.

Unsure how to continue, Mikasa massaged her forehead. This guy was something else.

“Since it’s so important to you, “ Eren offered, “Why don’t you just ask?”

“Fine.”, looking back up, she met his emeralds with her own eyes, “What do you do for a living?”

“Care to guess first?”

More games? Fine, you’re on.

“Okay, sure.”, putting her chopsticks down, as she was a civilized person, Mikasa rested her chin on her intertwined hands, “Let’s go over what I know then. First, there is this strange… rope fixation you have, and you said that was caused by your job, right?”

“It’s not only ropes,”, he corrected her, “But it is related to my job, yes.”

“Second, when I called you yesterday you were still in bed, and it was around two, which means that you work late at night, right?“

“I could have been gaming all night, didn’t think about that?”

“Maybe, but maybe not. I’ll take my chances.”

“All right, then put the two together. What do you think I am?”

“A smug bastard.”

Of course he grinned at that.

“That’s true. But professionally?”

Putting on her best thinking hat, Mikasa rolled the facts around in her head.

“A policeman?”, she tried.

“Not a bad guess, handcuffs and night shifts.”, Eren took the time to have a dramatic sip before finally revealing the truth, “But you’re wrong. Try again.”

“Some sort of artist then?”

His eyes narrowed.

“I guess you could say that. But what kind do you have in mind?”

“Singer?”

“Nope.”

“Painter?”

“No.”

Mikasa tried a few more art-related jobs that would fit Eren’s profile, but he shot down all of them. At the end of her rope, she pulled out a trump card. Even looking objectively, outside of that “he was totally her type” thing, Eren was very attractive. Combine that with strange working times and….

“Are you a model?”

“Yea…..Nope.”

Damn it. Out of ideas, Mikasa put up her palms in the international gesture of surrender.

“Ok, I give up.”

“Guess we will never know then.”, Eren leaned back in his chair, smugger than ever before, “What a disappointment.”

Out of words and completely against her usually serious character, Mikasa kicked him under the table. Hard.

“Ow, what was that for?”

“Spill the beans, Eren.”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll kick you again.”

Rubbing his shin and not sure that his bones would survive another kick like that, Eren decided that the teasing stage was over.

“Very well then.”, leaning closer, he put both his elbows on the wood, looking right into Mikasa’s eyes when he spoke.

“I’m a dom.”

The clueless look on her face was priceless.

“H-Huh?”

“Dom, master, and a hundred other ways you can call it.”

In slow motion, Eren watched as that clueless expression changed. With words falling and clicking into place, the not-understanding look was replaced by a blush that began creeping up to her cheeks. In short, it was adorable.

��Y-You mean like… like….”

“Yes.”

“Err… I…”

And Eren waited patiently, finishing his drink, while Mikasa kept trying to say a word and completely failing at it. It took her about five minutes before she finally closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths, and steadied herself.

“So you’re like a s-sex worker? P-Prostitute?

“No and yes.”

“Huh?!”

“Technically, you’re right. But since I don’t have sex with my clients, I don’t usually call myself sex worker.”

“Ok, I’m lost.”

“Well, it's actually quite easy. I fulfill the fantasies of the client, I take care of their needs, I make them…. Err..”, he looked around to see if no one was around – they were in public after all, “…finish, but I don’t do it myself.”

“So what you’re saying is…”

“I’m saying that I can satisfy my clients needs without doing it the old-fashioned way. God bless technology.”

Mikasa was rubbing her forehead now, taking the information in.

“And your clients… what are they?”

“I deal with women exclusively if that’s what you are asking. But if you have a male friend in need of similar services, I know a great dominatrix, mistress A, that can take them, she’s a real top of the class. She was my…”, his gaze slid over Mikasa’s face, lingering over the shape of her eyes for a second, “ senpai back when I was beginning.”

She groaned. He had to use that word to tease her, abusing the weakened mental state she was in right now – she couldn’t think of a comeback. And, to salt the wound, he was grinning again.

“You can’t dump something like this at me without any explanation.”, Mikasa demanded, “How did you even end up working like this?”

“It’s…”, kind of personal, he was about to say, but then he met Mikasa’s eyes and that defense he usually held up around his secrets melted.

It was crazy, he didn’t even know the girl that well, he had no idea what she was truly like. But she was here, sitting across the table, and her grey eyes saw right through him. And he… he simply told her.

“When I was a kid, I was a bit fucked up. My dad…. He was not exactly a great role model. My mom was his second wife, he left the first after having a kid with her.”, he answered her follow-up question before she even asked, “Yes, I have a half-brother but we are not in contact. After leaving her, he married my mom and had me. I can’t say that he was a bad guy, from what little I remember, but he was hardly ever home. And one day, he completely disappeared. I don’t know if he’s alive or dead, neither does mom, and the police couldn’t find him. He’s gone.”

Mikasa, who had her own tragic parents-related story, remained silent, knowing that even years later it is hard to talk about stuff like this. Eren took a small break, a sip of water, and went on.

“I had a lot of issues from that, anger mostly. I lashed out on anyone or anything that I didn’t like, punching before asking. Bloodying people and getting bloodied myself was the only way to get the anger out, I did not know any better. You can imagine that didn’t go well in school. Mom did her best to keep me in line, but it was hard for her, too hard at times. Through sheer luck and endless patience of my teachers, I managed to graduate, but the anger inside me didn’t die. Even as an adult, I was a colossal dickhead. But all that changed shortly after I turned eighteen and moved to college.”

“Why?”

“Because I met her.”

Who? and How? were on the edge of Mikasa’s tongue, but she held those questions in. Eren would tell her.

“It was one of the college parties, you know how those go. I was there mostly to get drunk and get into a fight with someone because that was about everything I cared about back then. I succeeded in that too, I punched some blonde dude in the face and he didn’t take that lightly.”

“Did you beat him up?”

To her surprise, Eren tipped his head back and laughed.

“No. The dude completely wrecked me. He was a titan, both taller and heavier than me, and I later learned that he was a boxer as well. When I woke up from the beating he so generously gave me, I saw that a blonde girl had dragged me out on the lawn and was standing there still, waiting. Naturally, as I was a real gentleman back then, I spat out the blood in my mouth, told her to fuck off and tried getting up. Do you know what she did?”

“No idea.”

“She slapped me. Hard. I called her a stupid bitch, and she slapped me again. The third time, I got about two syllables out before her palm made another imprint on my face. And after all that, she kissed me, and I realized I was never so turned on in my life.”

Mikasa honestly didn’t know what to say.

“That’s….random?”

“I was a raging asshole back then Mikasa. I know that saying it now, it looks like she was acting out of her mind, but you weren’t there.”, Eren shook his head, “Anyway, that’s how I met the future mistress A. Annie.”

“How did she even know that you won't just flip out after she slaps you?”

“She didn’t. Later she told me that it was a hunch on her part, that watching me get into a fight with that giant for no good reason tipped her off, showed her that I might have some anger issues.”

“So, after that, she showed you the ropes?”

He didn’t miss the reference, it earned a respectful nod from him.

“Yes. She was already working as a domme, on her own back then, and mostly for fun and the experience. Annie was older than me by a year, and she spent that year mostly half-assing school and perfecting her skill for her future job.”

“What happened after that party? Did you two became a couple?”

“Not really. We didn’t date, like at all, but we became good friends, and Annie would train her techniques on me.”

“So what, she like tied you up from time to time?”

He nodded.

“That and other things. We practiced on each other, but we never made it sexual. I know it sounds crazy, but you didn’t meet Annie, she’s can drip hot wax on your nipples without batting an eye. I’d say that’s part of her charm, she’s completely stoic while working.”

“And you?”

“Honestly, in the beginning, it was weird as hell. But when we kept doing it, I realized that my anger was subdued by it, that this helped me overcome it for the first time in my life. With all the discipline and focus this required I managed to be in control of my life for what felt like the first time.  It was still difficult for me from time to time, I admit, but Annie was always there to put me back to my place.”

“How did she know that this was what you needed?”

“Annie also had… issues when she was younger. And this thing helped her through it, so she thought I might be the same. For the record, she was right.” Eren was having a pleasant memory trip, and Mikasa kept silent, not wanting to interrupt, “Anyway, after I realized that I prefer being the top, Annie found me a girl who liked being the bottom.”

“Finally a girlfriend?”, Mikasa tried again, but he chuckled.

“Nope, this one had a catch too. She was mostly a lesbian.”

“Mostly a lesbian?”

“Yea, she’s bi, but prefers women.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Why would I? She was tiny and amazingly flexible because she does gymnastics. Incredible performance partner, I still work with her from time to time.”

“But why didn’t she find a female partner then? If she prefers women that is.”

“She did, sort of, Annie worked on her too sometimes, I think that was why she even agreed to do it in the first place. But with a blindfold around her eyes and tied up so she couldn’t touch us, she kind of stopped caring who’s holding the vibrator.”

Mikasa felt like this was all a big joke, but Eren was completely serious.

“You had this little triangle of fun for how long?”

“Till we graduated. After that, Annie and I found the agency and got employed there, and Krista went on to become a doctor.”

“I’ll presume that Krista was that flexible one?”

“You’d presume correctly.”

“She’s a doctor, but she still does… things? With you?”

“She performs with us sometimes if that’s what you’re talking about. Nothing else.”

“You want to tell me that you’ve been doing BDSM…. stuff to each other for years and never fucked?”, Mikasa shook her head, “I don’t buy it.”

“You don’t have to, but it’s the truth. My relationship with both Annie and Krista was strictly professional, however crazy that sounds.”

“Then how did you develop your “can’t have sex until the girl is tied up” thing.”

“I dated in college normally, not much mind you, but a few flings found their way to me. Then it was pretty simple. When I had normal sex, I didn’t find myself half as aroused as I was when Annie slapped me for the first time. So I tried getting my hobby into play.”

Hobby, that’s one way to call it.

“And how did it go?”

“Not great. The first two girls said that I’m a creep and left. But the third one agreed and…”, Eren leaned back again, folding his hands behinds his head, “best sex of my life.”

“Fine, but if you enjoy it, why don’t you do it at work then? I’m sure some of your clients would appreciate it.”

“I’m sure they would, but I have this strange need to differentiate between work and pleasure - I think I caught it from Annie. I can’t get into it when I know that the person I’m tying up paid for it.”

“Strange.”

Eren didn’t argue.

“Strange indeed.”

All right, cool info dump and all, but Mikasa was more confused than anything. He was a sex worker BUT he didn’t have sex with his clients BUT he preferred to have the toys in bed while doing it. What the hell?

“Can you like, describe what you do then? I still can’t wrap my head around it.”

Eren shrugged.

“Sure. After making the initial contact, through the agency of course…”

“You’re still at the same one?”

“Yup, much easier that way. Don’t have to deal with things.”, Eren scrunched his nose, “Like taxes.”

“Okay, so some bored lady picks you at your company’s website, and then what?”

“Then we do the first meeting, through phone, email, or in person, that’s up to the client. There, we discuss important things, like what my hard limits are.”

“Which means?”

“Things that I won’t do, for various reasons.”

Mikasa didn’t ask what those were, so Eren continued.

“With that out of the way, we talk about what my client wants, what sort of fantasy I would be fulfilling. Once I have a picture in my head, I recommend the place to meet – one of the places owned by the agency, dungeons if you want, or even the clients own place.”

“You go to people’s homes with that?”

“If they want it, yes. It fits the best for certain scenarios, and people usually feel much more comfortable there.”

“And they trust you? I mean, you could tie them up and rob the place.”

“Would you believe me if I told you that I never thought of that?”, Eren scratched the back of his head, “That’s a valid thing what you said, but I have the agency to vouch for me.”

“Okay. And then?”

“Then we meet at the place we picked, have a quick recap to make sure I’ll do everything she wants, pick a safeword and we are good to go.”

“And you do what?”

“Mikasa, my range of services is very wide.”, putting one hand on the table, Eren began counting, finger by finger, “Bondage, suspension, pain stuff like caning, whipping and more. Waxplay, petplay, some electro, and…”

“Ok, ok! I heard enough!”

“I’d imagine so. From how you reacted when I put the rope around your hands, let me guess that you are very vanilla, right?”

“Huh?”

“It means like basic – that you don’t do anything strange in the bedroom.”

“No, I…”, Mikasa ran her hand over her somewhat heated forehead, “I’m very vanilla.”

“Weird.”

She fixed him with a look.

“Why is that weird?”

“It’s just…” he gestured towards her, “People with your style are usually into it.”

“My style? You mean black?”

“Dark, goth, however, you want to call it.”, he reached up, tapping his ear, at the same place where Mikasa’s cartilage was pierced, “And those things are also not completely usual.”

“I guess I am a bit strange, but nothing compared to you, sir. I never even imagined….”

“Well, the big mystery is over, the cat is out of the bag.”, he looked at her with a strange emotion in his eyes now, one that Mikasa couldn’t quite decipher. It looked like… worry?

“We can still be friends, right?”, he asked.

It was not like Eren did anything bad to her, and while his job was a bit shocking, he was still nothing but the perfect gentleman.

“Right, of course. I… I’ll need some time to digest this, I think.”

Eren watched her, tapping his fingers against the table, teeth chewing his full bottom lip. He was thinking about something, Mikasa could tell, but before she could ask, he dropped the bomb at her.

“Come to one of my shows.”

“Huh?”

“My shows. I don’t do individual clients only, I perform at clubs too. BDSM clubs that is. I’ll write the address down.”

She was shaking her head before he even finished the sentence.

“N-No, I.. .No... I’d never.”

“I’m not asking you to take part, there will be plenty of people as spectators. And don’t worry about being recognized or something, the club is members only and you can grab a mask at the entrance if you want, your identity will be safe.”

His words burned with intensity now, but his eyes did even more, and Mikasa was drowning in it.

“W-Why is it so important to you?”

“Because I can see how you look at me now. You think that I’m some sort of pervert, that I what do is unnatural, not normal. I want to show you that it can be beautiful too, that there is nothing wrong if two consenting adults have a go at something like this.”

“I.. Uhm…”

The address written on a napkin, Eren slid it over to her.

“Listen, I obviously won’t force you into anything, this is your choice. The show is next week and then again in two weeks. You said that you are leaving the city soon, right?”

She nodded, wordless.

“Is it far? Or could you theoretically come back for the evening?”

“It’s not that far.”, Mikasa replied, finding her voice again, “Like an hour and a half drive.”

“All right. Let’s put it like this, if you want, come to the second show, the one that is two weeks from now, the club will be less packed, and I will tell the bouncer to let you in. Just let him know that Eren sent you. If you don’t want to, that’s fine too, I will understand.”

She nodded, once again retreating to no-words strategy. Eren took it as a cue, standing up.

“I’ll go settle the bill.”

When he came back, he grabbed his coat, putting it on while Mikasa sat there, gears in her head turning.

“If you won’t show, I’ll know that you are not interested in that part of my life, but that doesn’t mean we can’t meet again. Right?”, he smiled at her, “If you ever want a free lunch, give me a call, okay?”

That said, Eren half-turned towards the exit, ready to go when Mikasa’s voice interrupted him.

“Eren?”

“Yea?”

“Give me your phone.”

He did so automatically, even unlocking it for her. It wasn’t like there were any more dirty secrets he had to hide from her, not after today. Mikasa worked for a while, tapping the screen before she set it back on the wood and slid it over to him. Picking the device up, Eren saw that he had a new contact added – certain Mikasa Ackerman.

“This will be easier if we have a way to get in touch with each other right?”

Now he was the one dumbly nodding.

“Right…”

“I don’t know if I will turn up for your show, but I want to meet again. I don’t want to cut and run because of what you told me today. You’re a nice guy.”

“You’re saying that because I bought you lunch.”, Eren accused her with a smile, getting some bravado back.

She winked at him.

“Perhaps.”

Still smiling, Eren pocketed his phone, feeling like he got more out of this meeting than he even dared to hope for.

“Well, I’ll see you around then, Mikasa.”

“Take care Eren.”

She watched him leave the restaurant, her own lips curved upwards. When he disappeared from view, she ran her hands through her hair, a half-amused/half-nervous giggle falling from her lips. She had never asked this many questions in her life, not even in her classes. And the answers she got were…. something else.

This guy? This guy was getting more interesting by the second.

[nystudies]

hi guys! today i’ll be sharing some tips and things about how to be successful in the IB program. this is kinda long but it’s the HONEST truth that not a lot of people would tell you. i got my results back and i did end up getting my diploma! :) IB classes i took: HL english, HL psychology, HL history, SL mandarin, SL ESS, SL math studies, and of course TOK :) hope this helps ya’ll!

1. procrastination

something i struggled with a lot was procrastination. i especially procrastinated the EE and all of my IAs, and i can tell you guys it was NOT the move. i became super stressed because i was saving big assignments for the last minute, and it was horrible for my mental health. doing assignments last minute might work sometimes, but in the IB program it will really effect your grades. what i would recommend is if you get homework just do it the day you get it, and when having longer assignments, work on it bit by bit everyday. i know getting started can be really hard, so what helped me was thinking about my future goals (it really motivates me to work harder). 

2. cas

yes, i am making a section just for cas. did you know you could get perfect scores on your exams but if your cas isn’t complete you don’t get your diploma? i’ve heard stories... DON’T PROCRASTINATE YOUR CAS! spread out your activities and hours throughout BOTH years. what i would recommend for being successful in cas would be to do activities that you actually like. i know a lot of people who would do ANYTHING for cas hours, and while they got their hours, their journals were in-genuine and they struggled at the end when they had to have the final discussion with the ib coordinator. do something you’re proud of! also, anything can count for hours. i put social media as hours! in addition, you can use the things you do for cas for your college applications!!

3. make friends  

now you’re probably wondering, jordan, what do you mean make friends? i have friends... well, what i mean is make friends in your classes. this is something i LEARNED. in year 1, i was kind of a lone wolf, and i realized that whenever i had questions or needed help, i didn’t have anyone to ask. in year two, i made sure to have at least 1 friend in every class and it helped me SO MUCH. they don’t even have to be your friends, just find people you would feel comfortable talking to and asking questions, it will really come in handy, especially in the ibdp. 

4. learn confidence 

again, you’re probably very confused. let me paint you a picture: you will have to do A LOT of public speaking in this program. a lot. whether it’s speeches, presentations, tok presentations, daily speaking in language class... you will have a lot of public speaking. i guess this is kind of a heads up. i know it sucks, but you WILL have a ton of graded public speaking assignments, and i can tell you from personal experience, if you aren’t confident or able to speak in front of others, it will effect your grade. i know this because i was that girl. like literally in mandarin class if i had to do daily speaking in front of all of my classmates i would CRY. literally cry. so i know where you’re coming from. but, what i learned throughout the years is that NOBODY CARES. and i mean that in the best way possible. you just have to remember that you won’t see these people after high school, they really aren’t paying that much attention, and if you mess up, they truly will not care. everyone is stressing over their own assignments. what i learned to do is fake it till you make it. i would appear SUPER confident with whatever i said, and everyone believed i was confident and speaking well, even though i would mess up sometimes. just close your eyes, take a breath, and fake it till you make it :) 

5. final tips / words

make sure your IAs are good, they matter. 

your citations in your EE is literally more important than the actual writing. if you have ONE wrong citation you could literally fail your EE. 

live your life! you will definitely be consumed in your studies, but trust me you also need some fun :)

you’ll become close with your ib cohort because ya’ll are ALL struggling together. you will most likely make new friends :) 

take classes you know you’ll somewhat enjoy. if you’re not a math person don’t take HL math, if you’re not a science person don’t take HL bio... TRUST ME. 

do your EE on something that ACTUALLY interests you because it’ll be easier to work on and it won’t really feel like a weight on your shoulders.

don’t overthink things. i know a ton of people stress a lot about the tok presentation, but trust me you will be okay. i made my presentation the day before i had to present and got a 9. just PRACTICE presenting. it will help so much 

do your tok presentation on something that interests you and something you actually could talk about, it will make your life a lot easier

helpful website: https://www.ibsurvival.com/

i have a tumblr group for ib students where we help each other, ask to join! 

okay, that’s it :) hopefully this helped some people, it was really raw and honest. while the ib program caused major stress and health issues, it was also an experience. it changed me, made me more open minded and really impacted my life. i was able to do things i wouldn’t think i would do because of cas, and i learned more about myself. and honestly, i loved my cohort and felt like i had a small family of people i could relate to. if you’re nervous, don’t worry. it isn’t that bad, and trust me there are positives. GOOD LUCK EVERYONE! if you want further advice on anything IB related you can comment, send something to my ask box, or just private message me! have an amazing day :))) 

- jordan <3

[thechildoflightning]

JKSF Jobs

I got asked awhile ago by the lovely @mewithanie if I could write about everyone’s jobs in jksf if it sparked my interest. It did spark my interest, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it into a one-shot or story, so take a tumblr post bullet-style explanation instead!

Read on to find out all about the jobs Patton, Roman, Logan, and Virgil hold in just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you)

tw: suicide (oc), PTSD and trauma (mentioned only), mentions of drugs, alcohol, and school shootings.

Patton

Runs a non-profit

Non-Profit pairs up with schools

Non-Profit is an art therapy center focused on increasing connection within teenagers and allowing them an appropriate outlet for emotional turmoil

Patton’s group generally gets placed on ‘high-risk’ campuses or campuses that have incidents happen at them

‘High-risk’ in this case is defined by higher than normal suicide rates, low attendance rates, high-levels of illegal activity (generally drug and alcohol use), high rate of poor mental health, more than average amounts of cheating, etc

Instances involve things like excessive inappropriate school-wide behavior (ie. all the kids getting drunk and disorderly at a school event) as well as shocking incidents (student death from suicide, overdose, drunk driving, or things such as school shootings)

Some kids come by choice, others are referred through a suspension exchange program

Pretty much, a kid gets suspended but can choose to go to the group’s meetings instead of facing suspension

Kids get referred for suspensions that deal with violence, drug use, alcohol use, excessive absences, and so forth

The idea behind it is that suspended the kid will only negatively impact the kids record and give no reason to change behavior, while the group can help get to the root of the issue and work towards solving/improving that instead

Other kids go by choice bc they’re looking for extra support, a healthy outlet, advice, etc

They have weekly after school meetings (per each district, with one focal school in each one. The program is currently seven districts wide)

They also have lunch drop-ins were you can come make art, chill, get a snack, pet a therapy dog, and other stuff

One of Patton’s first schools was the same school Virgil works at

Patton generally leads the entire non-profit and has delegates to deal with the different districts

He handles the school/district that Virgil is at, though he attempts to go to as many things at the other districts as he can

Does a lot of outside work promoting the program to school and school boards, but is starting to delegate a lot of that work to others so he can focus on the kids instead of the bureaucratic shit

Has had to cut back on individual involvement and delegate more as the work and stress from running an entire non-profit has taken a large toll on his health related to chronic illness

He is Not Happy about this fact, but it’s for his health and he needs it. His spouses help support in any ways that they can.

Roman

Theater Boi

He is a director for a local theater company that is actually not half-bad

Enjoys the heck out of it

Went into college planning to become an actor

And boy does he love acting and the truth is? He was good enough. He could have become an actor. 

But somehow he finds it even more magical running everything behind the acting (and so so much more work, god he never realized how much Work This Was)

So he joins a theater company and he slowly works his way up

At first he comes in as assistant choreographer 

He’s young and they don’t think much of it, but the show genuinely improves by his individual suggestions and work and wait, who the fuck is this kid and how do we hang onto him?

He makes his way up quite quickly, sliding his way into assistant directly and then co-director and then suddenly the director’s leaving and now he’s the director

It happens fast and it’s very very exciting but he’s also honestly a little overwhelming and he’s never been good at managing large tasks without procrastinating bc executive dysfunction (see this post and this one about Roman and ADHD)

And now he is The Director and an entire production is depending on him. Everything. All of it. And it was what he was looking for but it’s a lot.

The first time he’s on his own, it goes okay

It’s by far not the best the company has done, but it’s also not the worst and the company is pretty supportive of his jump to director and the people who have been there longer help him learn to delegate tasks

And so he tries again, and he does better, and he just continues to get better from there

There’s just one hiccup: the scenographer

Basically the scenographer Does Not Like Roman and it creates Conflict

(In my head I sorta imagine the boss character Joan played when they were playing Thomas as Roman as Joan as the boss character in that one part of “Can LYING Be Good?”)

Luckily, Deceit later takes that position, and him and Roman work way better together and pull off some pretty bomb ass productions

Roman has been asked to join other companies before- specifically travelling companies and work on Specific Productions- which is very cool and very exciting but he decides he’d rather do what he’s doing now bc 

a) he enjoys the rhythm of his work. b) larger productions are more stress. c) he doesn’t want to be gone from his spouses. And d) he gets a lot of positivity and meaning out of what he does now and doesn’t see a reason to change that

Every summer he also runs the local chapter of Shakespeare in the park. 

He does act in these as well bc it’s completely volunteer based. Deceit also acts in these with him and these two theater dorks have way to much fun together

They may or may not of kidnapped Trixie for one of the productions (with Virgil’s consent of course)

Logan

Logan works for a company that considers themselves as a “research and problem-solving team for the improvement of marine environments”

Basically, Logan researches issues that negatively impact marine life and helps come up solutions to improve or solve these issues

Most of what he does is cycle through data that other researchers collect and figure out what that data means and how it connects

He looks at a lot of abstract numbers and pulls them together to state exactly what the numbers are reporting 

From there he brings that research to a board that forms a hypothesis and then comes up with potential solutions

These solutions are often considered very progressive and liberal and as such cause a lot of debate

Solutions range from legal changes (laws reducing companies waste, laws to prevent oil spills, protection laws around certain species/habitats, etc) to inventions (boats that clean the ocean, replication of habits to help support species that can’t live outside of a certain ecosystem, etc)

The company Logan works for has had numerous very successful projects and many of these projects were successful bc of Logan’s involvement

Logan’s spouses are very very proud of this fact

Logan is modest af and brushed it off

Logan’s had quite a few articles published in scientific journals and his findings/theories/work have also made it to national news in the past

Logan himself has actually been asked to present some of his stuff on the news multiple times. He refuses each time and someone else goes in his place.

Does this mean that person gets a lot of credit that should be assigned to Logan? Yes. Does that person feel bad? They do and try to give credit to Logan. Does Logan care? No, no he does not. 

Logan could care less about credit, he just cares about marine ecosystems and That’s Literally It

Seriously, people ask him things like “does he understand the ‘political implications’ of his job” or “Are you okay with your team constantly stealing your work” and he’s just like “Fish are cool. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Logan has also done more hands-on experience which has included cool adventures that included scuba diving trips to study coral reef damage, spending days in heavy wetlands, and swimming with sharks

His spouses think that this is the coolest thing and Logan agrees a 1000%

He usually works on research because that’s Where He’s Comfortable, but the occasional planned (it has to be planned) research trip is always exciting

Logan also has so much passion for his job. So much passion. It’s sort of an agreed upon deal in the house that when Logan comes home he will generally Need To Infodump because his job is The Coolest

Because of this, a time period between him getting off work and them eating dinner is designated Logan Infodumping Time

Generally this happens while they cook (because as mentioned a few times, Logan is the best cook)

Even if his spouse aren’t helping w/ dinner, they usually try to stick around and listen because a) Logan is Cute when talking about things he enjoys. b) he talks about interesting stuff. c) even if they don’t find it interesting, Logan’s enthusiasm is infectious and they just Have To Listen

Virgil

Virgil is a high school English teacher

He generally teaches sophomore regular English and junior AP English

Classes can shift slightly depending on the year

Virgil was at first a very distant teacher and didn’t connect with his students

Like his students thought he was a fine teacher bc he wasn’t too strict and didn’t assign a bunch of hw, but no one really liked him either

About his fourth year teaching, a kid at Virgil’s school got suicide baited and ended up taking their own life

It was a Big Deal (and is also how Patton found his way to Virgil’s campus)

After the event, there were lots of discussions and groups at the school, and each teacher talked to their classes

Virgil’s discussion was,, impactful to say the least

He talked to the students frankly about the issue and opened discussion to the topic while making sure to keep it respectful and calling students out on shit while at the same time helping support everyone who was struggling

He ended it with a small speech about self-worth, what it meant, and the struggle to achieve it, especially when everyone around you is pulling you down

It spreads like wildfire throughout the school and suddenly Virgil is a very well-liked teacher because He Gets It, y’know

(to clarify- his student’s do not know about his suicide attempts or personally history regarding his PTSD and experiences, that said, they all know there’s something different about this teacher. Something that makes him understand in a way others don’t)

He also has just this snark that students fall in love with

(One of his class’ learning targets for an entire week was just “We’re going to stick it to The Man. How you ask? Well we’ll find out!”

There was also a situation one year when one of Logan’s articles turned up in a multiple choice quiz and No One, including Virgil knew the answers (Virgil did have the answer key but it Did Not Make Sense)

He had to actually call Logan to figure it out

Turns out, most of them was the quiz maker’s mistake because he was asking questions about “author’s tone” and “author’s purpose” and Logan’s just like,, I didn’t meant to have any tone? I don’t understand tone? My purpose was I like fish? Why are they saying it’s to educate the average person??

(pretty much they analyze Logan’s article from a neurotypical standpoint, which Logan Is Not, so it doesn’t work. Virgil scraps the quiz.)

[irarelypostanything]

The key to success

I thought of something interesting while listening to a podcast--when we were writing our personal statements for college, my favorite counselor shared his story of swimming.  He was in a swim class, and he finally got to the end of the pool by himself...and this was in a pool with classmates who could do laps around him, who could get to the end of the pool and back ten times before he could do it once.  But it meant a lot to him because it was a personal goal, and because he could give it his own flavor of significance.

Another counselor was pretty adamant about telling us not to write personal statements about fencing or dragon boat, because those were generic; in hindsight, though, we probably should have just trusted ourselves and written from the heart.  There are original spins you can put on anything.  I, passionate writer that I am, made sure to write a whole essay on my love of writing and how much I enjoyed it in all of its forms.

Ironically, I procrastinated terribly on writing that essay.

*****

I’ve never written a post about what the key to success was because the premise of the question seemed wrong.  The goal of life isn’t success...it’s happiness.  But if your happiness is obtained by doing the thing you love, by being all that you can be, by living out your values, then couldn’t you redefine success as such?  And it’s hard to find happiness if you can’t grow in your career, or succeed at something you care about, or “win” from time to time.

Some people really do have natural, inborn talent.  Some people are really interesting writers even though they don’t write much as a hobby, or they’re really good engineers because of an intuition and logically-oriented mind they have, or they can pick up an instrument really quickly while their peers struggle to get anywhere near their level.  Emphasizing hard work and practice isn’t an attempt to deny that some people are naturally talented; rather, it’s to adhere to the philosophy that we have to play with the cards we’ve been dealt.  And while it makes sense to grapple with things we’ve dealt with in the past, life difficult childhoods, it can become victimizing at a point.

The key to success is hard work carried out through practice and habit-formation.  I think that most of us know this to be true, even those of us who struggle and who think of ourselves as failures.  Bad habits can be overcome by systematically rewiring the habit loop, replacing perceived negative behavior with something preferable.  An example of this, as dictated in The Power of Habit, is overcoming nail-biting by using a competing behavior, like putting your hands in your pockets.  I myself got over the worst aspects of eczema by simply habituating myself to press down on itches, instead of scratching them (another common recommendation to people with eczema is literally ice cubes).  Good habits, on the other hand, are obtained through positive reinforcement.  The classic example is rewarding running with a small piece of chocolate.

Obviously, hard work is not carried out through habit alone, but also through hours and hours and hours of practice.  I didn’t get through the SAT by being born with SAT knowledge, I got through the SAT by buying three practice books, then spending much of Winter Break systematically carrying out ten spaced-out three-hour practice SAT simulations until I had experience under my belt before I walked into my first real test.  I didn’t get a job through one magic interview, but by systematically applying for jobs every day until, by the time I had my first interview, I had applied to more than 100 companies and tracked the process for each one.  I didn’t do well on a work presentation by being a naturally good speaker; I did well on a work presentation by writing out a speech, then spending 10-30 minutes every day for two straight months practicing that speech from memory.  Now, in our little world of low-level software engineering, I don’t think the people who are most successful are the most creative, or who most commonly think outside of the box.  I think the people who are most successful are the ones who, by a mix of academic and experience-based knowledge, come up with logical solutions that are sometimes, albeit rarely, backed up by knowledge of new systems that can be of use.  Success in our world is obtained by coming up with the most simple and least convoluted solutions, not the most interesting ones--it’s the opposite of the world of writing, in which the best writing makes unique and original connections.

*****

This has taken 20 minutes to write.  Let me get to the caveats.

The work I’m most proud of in college wasn’t obtained through good habits, or even by that many hours of work...it was actually pretty effortless and painless.  I liked writing.  I wrote essays as a break from coding.  Go figure.  I guess the key to success comes in handy more when we’re struggling than in things we love enough to not think of as work.  You could still call the hours I did put in hard work, but that sort of writing was actually super easy.  Barely an inconvenience.

And obviously, I’m not writing this as the shining example of a successful person.  It’s more of a “do what I say, not what I do” kind of thing.  I know what habits and behaviors should be carried out on a given day to obtain success, but I also know how much more fun it would be to get on Netflix and marathon some Disney musicals.

I just feel sometimes that in our world of ad saturation, we keep getting sold silver bullets.  Take this class.  Eat this diet.  Subscribe to this newsletter.

But all of these things, whether they’re exercise routines or life coaches, still root themselves in the same fundamental thing: Hard work, through practice and habit formation.  And all these things, like life coaches and exercise routines, can be very necessary.  They’re just not magic.

Final caveat is that happiness, or at least mental well-being, is more important than success--it’s just very different and harder to talk about in a logical way.  The key to happiness is a billion things that book authors are still going on and on about.  The key to success, I strongly feel, is a lot simpler.  It’s just not that fun to think about.

[rosedalemike]

“The Mood” blog #4: “The Giant has Awoken”

(Written Sunday, April 1st to Wednesday, April 4th)     Never have I grinded so much in one week as I did this past week. I just had so much drive to get things done and dig deeper with the dialogue & presentation of the show. I wanted to create something that would make people grab onto every second of the show more than ever by creating paragraphs of motivation with some smooth little intros to segway from song to song while I change guitars/tune/water etc. So pretty much every morning I'd start with making a little intro session for a song while jotting down notes about what I want the world to know about (kinda like these blogs). Then I'd finish the session at around noon, stem it out, drop it in the live show and export it for video editing while I went to the gym. Then I'd edit some projector video footage for it when I got back. It was super fun picturing myself on stage in front of a glowing-eyed audience giving them something more than just my songs.

     Between all of that, I was in and out of the garage repairing the light bar towers and re-programming the new replacement light that I picked up almost two months ago (see blog #3 about procrastination), taking care of the many booking odds and ends, and finishing drums for demos before the rented cymbals were due back on Saturday. 

     It was pure crunch time Wednesday before the Hamilton show. I made one last intro for Sustain and then I picked up Austin (local kid who lives to learn about gear and help with any live production) to help me with the final rehearsal with the new rig. There were still some Axe FX presets/scenes to be made and layed out as well as some last minute lighting issues that popped up. So actual new-rig-soundcheck and rehearsal did't get rolling until around 10:30. I dropped Austin off at two then programmed some lights for This Dissonance until about 3:30am.

     Thursday in Hamilton was stressful but amazing! I picked up all the new merch in Scarborough, loaded up the van, and was an hour late for the load in! My vocal coach, Tom Oliver, came out which is always great! I have a lesson with him this Tuesday night and I can't wait to work on some things that I'm sure we both noticed needed work. I could tell Tom loved the new show much more than the Rosedale shows he's seen in the past. He ran up on stage after my set, hugged me and said "Mike! The Giant has Awoken!" I knew exactly what he was talking about. What I really like about my lessons with Tom is that he knows exactly what useful exercises and knowledge I need to be reminded that singing is mostly a mental skill; its an easy skill and there's no reason to make it hard. He also teaches useful techniques for connection with audience/being present. So I know he was loving the new between-song-moti. 

     That between song motivation is so damn hard to memorize, though. It brings me back to the neurotic days of memorizing monologues for Drama class. I knew it was not gonna go word for word at the Hamilton show. I forgot about 80% of it but at least touched on the topics with those intros and videos doing justice. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the scripted banter. I don't want it to come out like I'm reading a script in my head (or even too rehearsed) but I know that it definitely beats me trying to wing it. And when it's right on point, the message is much more vivid and powerful. I just gotta put more time into it to get it more solid. Plenty of time to do that on the thousands of miles of driving ahead of me.

     Speaking of long drives, Friday was one hell of a mission to Montreal. About two hours into my drive Bryan called me. My aux input in my van isn't very loud so I had my phone in one hand while driving (totally illegal, I know. But I was watching the road just fine and straight in my lane.) Then a red car pulled up beside me and started yelling/mouthing "Get off your phone! Get off your phone!" They were getting pretty close to me and would not pass. It was actually getting pretty dangerous. I was explaining to Bryan what this crazy couple in the red car was doing and he couldn't believe it. Then I noticed the guy in the passenger seat got on his phone and made a call. I sped past them to get away from their nonsense. I had a pretty good feeling that they were calling the cops on me. So I ended the call with Bryan and sure enough, a couple miles later, an OPP car pulls off the shoulder and starts following me, puts on his lights, and pulls me over.

      "The reason I'm pulling you over is somebody reported you holding your phone making a call while driving." He said. I fed him some BS: 'my phone was clipped up here on the dash for GPS and my friend kept calling me so I had to keep hitting reject so I could see my GPS. I saw the crazy couple pulling up beside me super close so I sped away from them as I didn't know what they were gonna do next...' Just as he let me got, my GPS sang "Police! reported ahead!"... He asked if my GPS was telling me where cops were. I explained to him that the GPS app, Waze, lets fellow drivers report cops on the road, red light cameras, hazards, traffic etc. "Does it cost anything??" he asked. It was like the biggest epiphany ever for him. He was a pretty cool guy. I felt bad feeding him my BS and that I had to take that call but I've DEFINITELY done some much more dangerous things while driving. I actually felt pretty safe and alert talking to Bry about Saturday's plans with both eyes on the road. And it was a pretty crucial time to make up some believable BS. I've never had that happen before, though, it was a trip. The whole time the cop was taking my licence and insurance info I was just thinking "Goddammit, Ilan Musk, lets get this Google Ai driving stock in all vehicles already..." Come to think of it, that technological advancement/approval alone will basically create that extra 4-5 hours a day I was dreaming about in Blog #1...and if it messes up, it me$$e$ up!

      The Montreal show went extremely well. Other than my PTLS (Post Traumatic Leaving Stress) rattling my nerves as Worst Case Scenario's fans said their goodbyes right after their set, I was pretty confident with my crowd that we were gonna have some fun with my new show/rig's first headlining set. The crowd was super responsive; singing along, clapping, shouting out requests, dancing. I was once again extremely impressed with Montreal's vibes and really proud to have such awesome fans. The four doors and 46 winding stairs to get up to La Vitrola were, as usual, well worth the grind. It is the perfect venue with the perfect staff. I'll load my insane amounts of gear up those steps any day if that venue and scene continues to be that awesome. Also, Worst Case Scenario, The Moon and Back, and Summerled made it all possible by not only playing incredible sets and bringing out their awesome fans, but also helping me load my Big Dirties up and down those Death Steps. Jon from Summerled, especially, saved my life by sticking around super late to help me load out and letting me crash on his couch.

      I had to leave Montreal at 9:30am Saturday to get back to Toronto for my family's 4:00 Easter dinner at my cousin's. I left early to pick up Bryan from his cousin's (literally 5 minutes down the street) and head to Hard Luck for our 6pm load in. Another good 30 stairs to tackle at Hard Luck. Plus rain.

      But was it ever worth it! A bunch of people I haven't seen in years were showing up! Friends of family friends, people I went to high-school with that were a couple years younger, fans that finally got to come check out their first Rosedale show! The stage was a bit of a nightmare from the headliner's sound check, but I definitely put my foot down and took charge making sure the show didn't get pushed back too far and my set did not suffer. That is one of my biggest fears; when there is a good crowd at a show and it's time to really shine, you end up working with amateurs who are unobservant and inconsiderate. So I was putting out everyone else's fires from 6pm-10pm so that my set could be at it's best. And, as much as it was frustrating to deal with, I was really seeing it as an example of how going out of your way to help the less experienced is necessary to showcase your own creation. I also had a lot of help from friends getting my gear to the stage quickly.

    After the show, some friends were offering their help pack up my insane amounts of gear. This is a common offering that I really do appreciate, though it is hard to communicate that it is easier/quicker to do myself than to teach. Once everything is packed, all hands on deck definitely decreases the burden. But that's usually about an hour after last call. So I have to politely decline and somehow explain that it isn't a trust issue, it's just that I have some weird casings and windup methods to make it all fit and so the next day's setup as tight and smooth as possible. Some people get it, some don't. But in any case, I appreciate them being there for the show more than anything.

      I really don't mind doing the entire pack-up by myself all that much. I often get into this conversation with the venue staff as they impatiently watch my mad scientist maneuvers with wrenches and Rubbermade containers. 'This is the third most fun thing on my agenda' I'll tell them. Allow me to break it down: Order of most fun to least fun activities in Rosedale's common agenda: 

playing the songs (live/rehearsal and/or writing/recording etc.) 

hanging out with the people who were involved (saw the show, ran the session etc.)

gear management/assembly/load out 

driving (often involves eating / listening to music...but usually it's boring and time moves slow...and Red lights have my number)

going to the gym (many assets, but a miserable process)

promoting/booking/marketing. (Last and least. By far.)

     I guess it could fluctuate depending on the circumstances, but usually that's how I look back on the day in my head. And when I break down that list to venue staff, they definitely start to believe that I'm more sane than they initially thought. And if you guys could only see some of my inbox (on Facebook and Gmail especially) you'd see why promoting and booking is,by far, last on the list. Should there be anything else thrown into the agenda, it's definitely gonna be better than promoting/booking.

      I get thrown into the deepest darkest holes especially when I set out to promote. I don't take it so hard anymore if a venue or promoter throws their doubt stones at me. If anything I understand it more than ever because of the lack of respect/appreciation some of my once-most-loyal fans have these days. Don't get me wrong, I love my fans and want nothing more than for them to succeed and be inspired by what I do. But when they start doubting (by giving me their lame/fake excuses) or giving me shit for simply inviting them to a show instead of making conversation, that is just petty millennial bullshit that literally turns me whiter than my piano keys (hence the lyrics for Quicksand and Grey).

LYRIC PARTY, NARC STYLES:

I turn whiter than a song in “C” as I watch the room empty, “Nooo!” just press on, believe - “Quicksand” - ROSEDALE

If I take this world by the throat and I make it through what seems impossible; won’t be grey. ‘Til then, I’m alone “Grey” - ROSEDALE

      I'm starting to really believe that I get too personal with fans. I tend to consider them family and want to help them with anything they need especially if they just saw my show. And I can tell that they want to help me at the time and it's a great bonding feeling. But it seems like, these days, we gradually forget how much we want to help those people over time. Myself included. I mean, on one had I know I can't flip open my laptop everyday for 2 hours (humbly..) messaging every single Rosedalien personally asking them how their day went. But the other part of me really wants to show that I do genuinely give a damn about their lives and that they still matter to me. It's the reason I personally message them to come to shows! But over the past couple years it has really backfired. I have a folder entitled “WTF” on my laptop of screenshots from fans that either ignored me entirely or basically cussed me out for simply asking 'how are you?' or inviting them to a show. Some of these fans I've even driven home from shows so they didn't have to walk/uber, had long deep conversations with them about their lives/struggles, lent them my music for their own art projects, saved their letters/pictures etc. So it's messed up when I build a solid friendship with these people and then they ghost me or cuss me out when I let them know I'm in town performing again. It actually sometimes makes me wonder why I even still try.

'Why don't I just delete all my social media accounts and make music for myself to enjoy? Seems to be that way anyway.'

    That's another reason I started this blog and the between-song-moti. I feel like the reason these family/friends/fans get petty and insecure is that they are so invested in their friendships that their true purpose in life/goals lack attention. I definitely tend to over invest feelings with people I meet all the time, too. But because I'm so driven and focused on my goals, I don't need to see a message from them for me to feel like they care. I know they are my new allies and I have a mission in life to accomplish. I know that it is magnetic- accomplishing my goals is only gonna motivate them to get to work on theirs. But I'm often misunderstood because I get too personal with them. If I message a fan about a show, they feel like they're just another $10 bill at the door. Furthermore, fans see a picture with another fan and get jealous that they haven't received any recent Rosedale attention. Believe me, it's even more ridiculous than it sounds.

      So I've decided I'm not gonna be so personal anymore. I’ll just lay everything out publicly. Because these fans that get petty over me inviting them to shows are not actually interested in my art. They just want to feel extra important to somebody that is out tackling their goals. They need to feel like they matter more than other people, like it's a contest.

     Don't get me wrong, this isn't all fans. I still have a good group of fans/family that respect my absence from their inbox. They are happy/understanding to see me building my following and will make every effort to come see me in their area. I'm just saying there is a real phenomenon happening on the other end of the spectrum where fans feel like they're owed something more than the additional attention they already received from their fellow artists. And if they don't get it (OR if they now have a new source to fill their attention void), they're no longer interested in the evolution of that artist.

      I've been finding that the most genuine supporters I have, I've never really had to personally invite to a show. Weather they think Rosedale is a bigger deal than it is- or they just genuinely appreciate my art and that is enough for them; they come out to the shows almost every time and usually end up bringing some friends along too. I want to tell them how grateful I am for their support in more than just a 'thank you', but history shows that giving them anything more could create a reverse effect. They might even say things like "don't forget us when you're super famous" and now I laugh and say "don't forget me when I'm not famous by next tour".

      It's a really odd generation we live in today with social media. But maybe it has been this way for years. Maybe the reason why successful artists no longer go hang out at Taco Bell with their fans post-show isn't because they grew a big head; maybe it's simply because they now have a strict routine/schedule that has made them successful. Maybe hanging out at Taco Bell after the show and snapchatting their hours away wasn't getting them anywhere so they developed self discipline and new work ethic. And maybe those hangouts, as fun as they were, were actually creating a diminishing effect on their growth/Starlight/legacy to those fans.

I'm sure there's a word for it... Star Power sounds silly but maybe that’s kind of what I’m talking about?     

     Ever notice that, for most big bands, you won't even see the lead singer before the show? He/she is nowhere in sight! We used to joke about that all the time with the Zawacki's (Virginia Bandmates) back in 2013. They'd insist that as much as it would work for a tall frontman like me to hide in the van/backstage until showtime, I could never pull it off because I'm literally hanging from the ceiling and onstage getting all my gear in order before the set time. Fans and other audience members see me setting up all show and 99% of them subconsciously think "Ohh, Rosedale is just like the local bands...meh!"

    Bryan coincidentally brought that up on the way to the Toronto show Saturday. I laughed and told him he had a very good point. We laughed at how backwards most people are. (You'd think fans would see me going above and beyond the other local acts with my setup and think 'wow, we're in for a show tonight! We love our DIY hero!' ...but most don't... They just think I work at the venue!) Anyway, I've always thought that was interesting and relatable to the fact that I "lower myself" by personally inviting every one of my "fans" out to that given city's show. Again, though, don't get me wrong; I've also got some incredibly cool fans that actually come out and thank me for the invite/reminder. Most of them are in other bands, though.

      Anyway, I just had to rant that as both sides were pretty prominent in these hometown shows. Everyone goes through phases, too, myself included. So it's no longer surprising when a fan comes out from under the rocks and starts to turn on the support jets. And I'm sure those phases are conducive with my phases (online marketing streaks, live streams, authenticity etc... Whatever floats their boat!) ... (conducive...did I just use that word for the very first time correctly?? ...just googled it...looks right, yeah?)

       So I'll end it there! Sometimes authenticity takes multiple paragraphs! And I just realized a bit of a pattern; every second blog/week I eat like garbage and get all whiney and cynical in my writing/mood. (Hope you don’t mind. If you do, let me know.) I do hope you actually enjoyed this long rant/journal/blog and found some insight and inspiration! Go out and crush it regardless of how many fish fall off the boat! There are plenty more fish in the sea, just keep crushing it!

P.S I just ate two fortune cookies (cus I’m a pig) and they BOTH said this: 

[maximuswolf]

for about 2 years now i’ve been asking my mom to get me screened for adhd, i brought it up again yesterday and she laughed in my face via /r/ADHD

for about 2 years now i’ve been asking my mom to get me screened for adhd, i brought it up again yesterday and she laughed in my face

very long rant/vent

After years of my (18F) own speculation, I’m almost entirely sure I may have ADHD. Most people (who have insurance or can afford the out of pocket costs) would’ve gone and got screened a long time ago, which is ofc ideal, but every time I brought it up to my mom before I was 18, she either ignored me, laughed at me, undermined my reasoning or flat out told me no.

The main reason why this frustrates me is because all 3 of my siblings are diagnosed and medicated for ADHD & Dyslexia. I’m a triplet and both of my sisters were tested & diagnosed with ADHD when we were 5 because they ran the risk of repeating Kindergarten. Our younger brother (16M) was tested & diagnosed about 3 years ago because of his disruptive behavior at school and at home (which began affecting his grades). Presumably, the reason my siblings were tested for ADHD was because it started affecting their academics. I’ve always been viewed as the "gifted child" so even if I did display things like procrastination, anxiety, frequent distraction, forgetfulness, impulsivity etc. (which I’ve always dealt with as long as I can remember), they didn’t care as long as my report cards had A’s down them.

Fast forward to high school, I started failing my classes for the first time, my parents were having to meet with my teachers, I no longer had all A’s, my anxiety was at an all time high, I was called everything from lazy to wasted potential etc., but that understanding that my siblings got was nowhere to be found in my case. They (my parents) insisted that my siblings had reasons to be behind in their work and I was just slacking. I was told that I was just being lazy, I was yelled at for "wanting to fail." This is around when I started asking my mom if I could get tested and seek some outside help because nothing was helping me gain motivation. Instead of actually looking into it, she insisted I was just making excuses for my "lazy behavior" and that there was no way I could have ADHD...as if all of my siblings aren’t diagnosed...two of which were literally in the womb with me.

Fast fast forward to where I am right now. I’m in my second semester of college and failing every class. Because of COVID, I did my first semester fully online where I failed one of the most important classes I need for my major. It was an asynchronous class and I couldn’t keep up with the work especially without a scheduled meeting time. This semester, I chose to sprinkle in a couple of f2f classes hoping they’d bring me more motivation. It’s been the complete opposite and I’m doing worse academically than I ever have. I’ve literally never procrastinated this bad. The only difference is my parents have no idea. It’s the middle of the semester so I have time to fix it, but I literally have zero motivation. I keep giving myself the day to catch up on work and that day turns into a week, a week into a month etc. Because of this, I called my mom and told her upfront that I need to get screened for ADHD ASAP (being that my symptoms are more present than ever) without giving her the academic details. I’ve done the research and spoken to other people with ADHD (including my sisters) and even if it somehow isn’t ADHD, I just want answers. I need outside help so bad and I feel like I’m slipping into a depression because of it.

Finally, this is where most of my frustration comes in. I asked my mom why she never thought to get me tested for ADHD considering the rest of my siblings have it, and she laughed then told me she never got me tested because "you’re not hyper" ...13 years of raising 3 children with ADHD and her entire understanding of ADHD is that "it makes you hyper." What she means by hyper I don’t even know. Mind you, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder and Dyslexia are the only mental disorders that my family acknowledges only because they’ve dealt with them firsthand. Even then, they won’t do the research necessary to better understand their kids. My mom talks about her bipolar disorder as if she’s grown out of it. The only reason she even told me she was Bipolar was to gaslight me into thinking I was depressed when I was really dealing with severe executive dysfunction (that’s a story in itself).

After years of begging to be taken to a professional to get tested, I’m just going to have to take matters into my own hands and try and schedule an appointment myself. I told my mom this and she sees it as me being disrespectful and going against her word since she insists I don’t have ADHD. Even if I don’t, I at least want some answers from a professional.

Putting this here because I feel helpless. I know trying to get info from my parents to schedule this appointment is going to cause me so much stress. I don’t even know how to schedule an appointment, how to find professionals near me etc. I tried to keep things from getting this bad and I hate that all of my pleas were ignored.

Submitted March 04, 2021 at 01:08AM by 80hdthrowawy via reddit https://ift.tt/3kK37LF

[nolimitsongrace]

January 4: Discipline

Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous; nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. — Hebrews 12:11

In yesterday’s Sparkling Gem, I encouraged you to be faithful to your commitment to lose weight this year. Today I want to take it one step further and exhort you to stick with your commitment to start exercising!

If one of your New Year’s resolutions was to begin an exercise program, I want to ask you:

Have you begun to exercise regularly as you pledged to do in this new year?

Do you find that you are already making excuses for not getting started?

Are you already saying, “Tomorrow I’ll get started,” but tomorrow keeps getting further and further away? Do you find yourself already procrastinating in this area?

The Lord is watching as you read this, so you might as well be honest about it. How are you doing at keeping this new commitment so far this year?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            *[If you started reading this from your email, begin reading here.]

It is day four of this new year. If you’re still on track with your commitment to regularly exercise, well done! If you’re already faltering in that commitment after just four days, you need help getting started and maintaining that heartfelt commitment to the Lord.

You may tell yourself, Well, I’ll start tomorrow. But the world is filled with people who put things off again and again! Are you going to let that be your story this year as well? Are you going to take your place among world-class procrastinators who never do what they promise about getting in shape and who therefore deteriorate physically year by year because they won’t take care of themselves? Remember, you need to stay strong physically not just for your own sake, but to be able to finish your spiritual race strong for Him!

So let me ask you: If you haven’t done anything yet to prove that you’re really serious about starting an exercise program, what are you going to do now to get back on track with your original commitment?

Many years ago, Denise and I decided we would start exercising regularly. Instead of purchasing Christmas gifts for one another as we normally did each year, we decided to put our money together to buy a computerized treadmill that could read blood pressure, heartbeat, and even tell us how many calories we were burning as we huffed and puffed each morning during our exercise regimen. But we felt that a treadmill was not enough, so we also purchased a stationary bicycle to be a part of our exercise equipment. The treadmill and bicycle were top-notch and cost a lot of money. Denise also wanted to work on her circulation, so we added a mini-trampoline to our collection of home equipment so she could jump up and down every morning to increase her blood circulation.

At first, we were faithful — walking, bicycling, and jumping every morning. But after a while, it got more and more difficult to get on that treadmill, bicycle, and mini-trampoline. Soon I found myself using only the treadmill — and for fewer and fewer minutes each day. It wasn’t long until all that equipment became silent pieces of unused machinery in our Moscow apartment.

One day I was sitting in my easy chair, thinking about how I needed to exercise, when I looked over at the treadmill and realized it had become a platform for boxes! Clothes on hangers were now hanging from the handlebars we used to hold on to so tightly as we briskly walked! I turned to the exercise bike just behind the comfortable chair where I was sitting. The seat we once sat on while we exercised was now piled high with stacks of study books. The mini-trampoline that Denise previously jumped on each morning to get her blood circulating was sitting upright on its side against the wall, collecting dust.

As I looked at it all from my big comfortable chair where I was sitting, I remembered how noble our intentions were when we spent the money to purchase all that equipment. But Denise and I had fallen into the same trap so many people fall into when they start exercising. The biggest part of our commitment was spending money to buy the equipment, but we had not been committed enough to consistently get on the equipment and exercise. Our good intentions were not enough. The only way we would ever take control of our flesh and submit it to this discipline of exercise was if we were committed and determined to do it, regardless of the cost.

I pondered all the exercise equipment Denise and I had purchased and how much I despised exercise, despite the fact that I so wanted to be in better physical shape. Then the Holy Spirit brought Hebrews 12:11,12 to my mind, and I began to feel very uncomfortable because it brought such conviction to my heart! The passage says, “Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyful, but grievous; nevertheless it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness to them which are exercised thereby. Wherefore, lift up the hands that hang down, and the feeble knees.”

Although this passage is actually talking about the chastening of the Lord, the fact remains that the principle is applicable to the subject of exercise or any form of discipline. The word “chastening” in verse 11 is actually the Greek word paideia, which is taken from the Greek word pais, the word for a child. However, when it becomes the word paideia, it refers to child-rearing; child discipline; or the process of transforming an undisciplined child into a disciplined child. Eventually it became a word that referred to all forms of discipline. Therefore, it could refer to budgetary discipline, mental discipline, spiritual discipline, or physical discipline, such as exercise. Therefore, the verse actually could be translated, “Now no discipline for the present seemeth joyful.…”

Notice this verse says no discipline for the “present” seems joyful. The word “present” in Greek is the word paron, which literally means at this very moment. Let’s talk about this word before we proceed any further in the study of this verse.

Isn’t it true that when you’re trying to teach a child discipline, this is often the moment when wills collide and that innocent-looking little child can put up the fight of a lifetime! Isn’t it amazing to see how strongly a child can resist your instructions! At that moment, the conflict between parent and child may seem unending, but the truth is, it is fleeting and temporary. As tough as it can be to win the battle of wills and teach a child who’s in authority, it is necessary for the parent to endure that moment in order to establish who’s in charge and teach that child the need to obey and submit to parental authority.

However, this enduring of unpleasant moments isn’t only true of dealing with children; it can be applied to any area of flesh where discipline is needed. For instance, flesh despises and resists financial discipline because it has to say no to things it wants to purchase. Flesh hates dietary discipline because it has to push away the plate when it wants to overeat. And flesh loathes the physical discipline of exercise because it doesn’t want to be subjected to the “hardness” of such rigorous activity. It abhors the inconvenience of getting out of bed early, walking down the hallway to the exercise equipment, and feeling forced to do something physical. Flesh doesn’t want anyone forcing discipline on it. It’s like a child who must be taught to obey!

So as you begin the exercise program you pledged to do as a part of your New Year’s resolutions, know in advance that when it’s time to start exercising, your flesh will probably rant, rave, scream, resist, and recall everything you could be doing at that moment instead of exercising. It will try to escape by reminding you of other things that you need to do, people you need to call, other places you need to be, things you need to fix, and so on. The pain of discipline isn’t attractive to the flesh, so it may look for a way out of that momentary discomfort.

This is exactly why Hebrews 12:11 goes on to say, “…No chastening for the present seemeth joyous.…” The word “seemeth” is the Greek word dokeo, and in this verse, it could be translated as feels. The word “joyful” is the Greek word chara, and it means enjoyable, pleasant, or joyful in this context. Thus, the verse could be translated, “No discipline feels pleasant or enjoyable at the moment it is happening.…”

This verse goes on to say that, far from enjoyable, discipline at first feels “grievous.” In Greek, the word “grievous” is lupe, which depicts something painful, sorrowful, or something that is filled with anguish, torment, or agony. What a description of what I felt every time I walked to my own treadmill! My flesh did everything it could to resist it — and at times, forcing myself to get on that machine was pure agony! However, if I wanted to get in shape, I had to speak to my flesh and tell it to obey, whether it wanted to or not!

I have a suggestion for those moments when you fantasize about physical development and weight loss that requires no effort — or on those mornings when your flesh tries to escape exercise. It would be good for you to have a photograph placed in a visible place, such as on your refrigerator or the mirror you use each morning, that reminds you of what you’d like to look like as a result of dieting and exercising. It may be painful to get through the process of achieving that goal or vision, but the fruit of experiencing your desired outcome is worth it all!

That’s why the remainder of the verse says, “…Nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peace- able fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.” The fruit of discipline and exercise is available to anyone who is willing to pay the price to obtain it. If you and I will be willing to endure the momentary pain, anguish, agony, and inconvenience of regularly exercising, it will pay off big time when you begin to look sharper and actually feel physically stronger.

Hebrews 12:11 could be interpreted:

“No discipline feels pleasant or enjoyable at the time it is happening. But later on, it produces long-awaited righteous fruit in the lives of those who are willing to undergo the discipline required to attain it.”

So when it’s time for you to head to the gym or get on your home exercise equipment, expect your flesh to put up a fight and look for an escape. But just determine beforehand that you’re going to steadfastly subdue and conquer that fleshly “pull” to give up on your commitment. You have to let the flesh know that it is your servant and you are the boss!

There is a price to pay for any success. You must decide how far you are willing to go to win the victory in the physical realm. What price are you willing to pay to look better and finish your race strong?

MY PRAYER FOR TODAY

Father, I made a commitment to begin an exercise program. It is my will to keep this promise that I made both to myself and to You. I have been convicted for a long time that I need to take better care of myself, to get into good physical shape, and to honor this body that is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I thank You for the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit who will help me take charge of my flesh in order to carry out this commitment. I receive Your grace and mercies that are new every morning to help me to exercise control over my flesh. I yield to Your quickening power that will help me maintain this position of victory. Thank You for strengthening me to remain steadfast in this area of my life, each day from this day forward.

I pray this in Jesus’ name!

MY CONFESSION FOR TODAY

I confess that I am in charge of my flesh and my flesh is not in charge of me. It has ruled and dominated me long enough! So starting today, with God’s help, I am taking charge and submitting my fleshly desires to the sanctifying power of the Spirit of God. My body is His temple, and I will treat it with respect. I will care for it; I will discipline and exercise it. I will do everything I can to make sure it looks good, feels strong, and is equipped to live a long and healthy life. God has a lot for me to do in this world! Therefore, I will get my body in shape so I can run this race and have a long and blessed life with a physical body that is free from the adverse effects of physical inactivity and lack of discipline.

I declare this by faith in Jesus’ name!

QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO CONSIDER

If one of your New Year’s resolutions was to start exercising this year, how are you doing so far? Are you on track with your exercise program, or are you already losing ground in this commitment you made to yourself and to the Lord?

What are you going to do to change your present course of action? What is your exercise program? Exactly what kind of plan have you developed to get moving toward your goal? Can you articulate what you want to achieve and the specific goals you’ve set for yourself, as well as the plan to attain them?

If you have struggled in the past with self-discipline in this area of your life, is there someone who can exercise with you or at least check in with you every day so you can be held accountable in your new exercise regimen? Who can you bring into the process to help you stay on track in this way?

[a-woman-apart]

Guilt Trip to the Pity Party

Ah, here we go again. It’s approaching 8pm on a Saturday night, and I’m engaged in one of my “favorite” activities. It is the game where I mentally review everything that I’ve done wrong, and am currently doing wrong, with laser focus on bad habits that I have tried to reject, yet continue partaking in. I think of my promises to myself to budget better, eat less fast food, and just overall take better care of my life and myself. I rip into myself for not applying myself more at school, even though these self-directed lectures never seem to get me to sit down and do what is required.

Of course, there is a silver lining. I have started going to the gym. I have cut out subscription services that I am not using. I have been meeting with my classmates to go over the music, and this week I have done a lot better about practicing by myself as well. I have taken on extra hours at work and subsequently received a nice boost to my paycheck. In the past two days I have paid my rent (early) and gotten my car inspected. Also, I have continued to do well, even though my rent was raised by $80 in January.

Despite my accomplishments, though I feel guilty. I feel guilty about hastily scarfing down fast food instead of taking time to make proper meals. Granted, sometimes I do better. Sometimes even at the fast food places I choose the healthier options. Or I’ll eat frozen dinners at home instead of going out (not healthier, just cheaper). Then I read online about the health benefits of a plant-based diet and think about my slightly higher than average cholesterol, wondering vaguely about the possibility of heart disease down the road. I am overweight, but my goal isn’t to lose it necessarily, but to just look and feel better. I’ll take even a minor improvement over how things are right now.

I also feel guilty about any down time that I have, when I’m not studying, writing, or working on school projects. I seem to have it deeply imbedded into my subconscious that any time not spent being actively productive is time wasted. I know that I’m not lazy, but the little voice in my head tells me otherwise. I know objectively how important it is to have times for rest and leisure, but I think I have a hard time just being “with” my lonesome self. The solution could be to spend less time alone, but sometimes even in the presence of others my mind is preoccupied with melancholy

The good news is, that despite my guilt and self-pitying “Why can’t I just be better?” feelings, there is another voice that is rising up to combat the nagging, critical one. Sometimes I tell myself, “It’s okay to do nothing for a little while” or “Look at everything you’re doing right” and “Just breathe”. I try to remind myself not to compare myself to other people I know, whom I perceive to be doing better in life. I encourage myself to focus on the present, and if necessary, the near-future, but to forgo trying to predict years down the line.

After all, there are a lot of things that seem insurmountable when you’re looking at them, but they become achievable once you commit to action.  At the library, I was shifting books over to make room for some other books on the shelves, and it seemed like the task would take forever. I wasn’t sure how much I would be able to do before it was time for me to leave, but I decided to jump into it. I began with just a handful of books at a time, lining them up neatly as I moved along. By the time it was time to leave, I was about 85% finished. It wasn’t nearly as difficult as I had anticipated. Changes must be made incrementally.

YouTuber Connor Manning once said, “You’re not going to cut down the whole tree in one chop.” I think that this is a sound piece of advice. Everything you do, from dietary changes to moving to a new place or changing careers, requires a series of steps to accomplish. It all starts though, with just being willing to take that first step. Just do a little bit first. I’m reminded that when I started at community college, I would only do one or two classes a semester, but when I changed jobs and started working on better time management, I was able to do either three-quarters or full-time for most of the other semesters. Sometimes I downplay this, but that was actually a really huge deal for me.

In Amy Cuddy’s book “Presence,” she talks about New Year’s resolutions failing primarily because the goals that people set for themselves in the new year are not sustainable. Instead of saying “I’ll run 5 miles every day”, when you aren’t used to running at all, just try saying, “I’ll run as much as I can endure 2-3 times a week.” Instead of cutting out all sugar from the get-go, try replacing some sugary treats with something low-sugar or a piece of fruit, or just choose to eat a small piece of candy instead of the whole candy bar. You aren’t going to be able to make the right choices if you are constantly feeling deprived. If total abstinence from something is necessary, make sure you have plenty of support and/or ways to affirm and motivate yourself through the process.

In the end though, you just need to take that first step. Going to the gym started with me finally walking in and signing up after two months of talking about wanting to do it. The next important thing is to be self-forgiving, because you know that you are going to mess up from time to time. Sometimes, I might go a week without going to the gym. Other times I might skip going to the grocery store and go instead to the drive-thru. It is almost guaranteed that I am going to end up procrastinating on some assignment at school and doing it at the last minute. The laundry isn’t always going to get done when I want it to, but I am going to do it. Consistency is the goal, but “to err is human.”

In Dan Ariely’s book “Predictably Irrational” he takes the reader on a journey into “behavioral economics” and explains how market forces, social norms, and our biased perspectives shape the way that we behave in the world. In the book he explains why we often choose short-term pleasure over long-term rewards, and why we tend to self-sabotage. I really enjoyed his unique perspective. He talked about how poor judgment affected him, even though he had studied so much on how to behave logically. He explained that these pitfalls are common to all of us, because our brains trick us even when we “know” better. Even so, we still have a bit of an edge when we are at least aware of some of the errors in our perception.

I’m not perfect. I will never be perfect, but that’s okay. At the peak of my most recent “pity party”, I thought about just “not trying” anymore. I thought about eating any way that I wanted to, sleeping my time away, showing up late (or not showing up at all), and just giving a lackluster effort on the job. I thought about not putting any effort into my personal relationships. Of course, that’s no way to live. That would be allowing depression to take over, and that is definitely not what I want to do.

Please note, though, that if you have depression and that’s what your life looks like right now, I am not trying to call you out. I have been there, and it is an incredibly difficult place to be, and an even more difficult place to pull yourself out of. I hope that if you are in that dark place, you have people that you can turn to for support and have at least enough strength to be able to call on them when things get too rough. A lot of the self-help and “positive thinking” movement isn’t always healthy for people who are struggling with a mental illness. Sometimes it takes more than just a willful attempt to change your attitude for you to get relief, and if you are struggling, I understand.

In my case, it is my desire that I someday be “over” this. I want to one day magically become happy and well-adjusted, even though I know that that is probably not realistic. Every day is a struggle to be the best self that I can be, and in that struggle, there will always be some sadness and disappointment. I am probably always going to have days when I look in the mirror of my mind and hate what I see there (or days when I don’t like what I see in the actual mirror). There may always be days when self-doubt and self-hatred are the overruling emotions that I feel. I just need to realize that those are just feelings, and they will pass. As a person with bipolar disorder, I am going to experience highs and lows. It just comes with the territory. I must just learn to navigate these treacherous waters carefully.

So, on this guilt trip, I don’t think I’m going to go to the pity party. Just drop me off here. In fact, just take me home. You and I won’t be traveling together again any time soon.

[cherrycherrystudying]

2017: A year in review

I've been thinking a lot on how-to write this.

To be honest, I would find it difficult to summarise this year. It feels like this year was so intense, and at the same time, like nothing at all. I remember last year's new year as if it was last week.

Time is a very odd concept, is it not?

January: the beginning of the red shirt revolution, a new year's sleepover with family and chaos and movies and jelly. The beginning of of my beloved art exam pieces, based on The Infernal Devices - I hated the work while I was doing them, of course. I should have probably focused on my gcse's and studying, but we are not here to regret.

February: the month I casually dragged my mother into the world that is Arrow.

When it really felt like I should have started studying properly. I was taking all the study sessions I could during the holidays, and I was taking a break from my extra curricular because it was causing me to stress.

March: by now I'm spending every week in ICT and geography, trying to catch up on work that I so blatantly ignored. It was always easy to just mess around in those lessons, to do whatever I wanted. This is also the month I was born in, and I especially love my birthday. I love getting presents and I love having get togethers and feeling like I'm the special one for once. I, for the first time, had can mercy which excited be beyond anything, of course. And my party was Spanish themedand all yellows and reds in colour. We had a sleepover that week too, we finally hit the gym and stuff. Art was already beginning to catch up with me, my pace has always been very slow and it's not a good way to work.

I also began at the end of the month to study with my cousin.

We never really got much done together.

April: This was the month I finally decided that I wanted to get my shit together. I organised my Bullet Journal, I went out for fresh air a lot, and I had more study classes outside of lesson. This was also the month I allowed myself to indulge in music, into the world that is BTS, courtesy of my friend. She knew exactly what she had done. I spent my time learning about them instead of learning about the things I really needed to learn, which was not a good decision on my part. However, when there in beauty just waiting to be discovered, it interests me much more than boring studying.

April is also the last month in which I am able to go out and do all sorts of things like going to parks and restaurants and birthday parties with my family. After this month I become housebound in an attempt to study harder.

Towards the end of this month, I am pulling more and more late nights, trying to complete all my exam work for my art course. I was slowly being driven mad by all of this.

May: I was starting to feel violent and restless. My gcse's were quickly approaching and everyone could not understand how I didn't seem to care about them at all. I was spending ,such more time in my I want shit to be over with jumper than I was in regular clothes. My obsession with BTS was getting bigger and exams were getting closer, and couldn't help but turn away from studying and more to procrastination.

When my exams finally started, it didn't really feel like I was existing anymore. I didn't want to do anything, I just turned up to my classes and my exams, waiting for them to finally be over.

As the ending came around, finally, it was the holidays, but these feelings of emptiness were only getting bigger.

June: the second half of the rest of my exams. We were also in the process of mentally preparing for departure from secondary school, only to have to turn up the next day for our last few exams. I didn't want secondary school to finish. That really threw me off. Once my exams were over, I had nothing to occupy my time the way school did. It was very odd, and I spent a lot of time binging and wasting away in my bedroom. I even was going o go so far as to pretend that I forgot about prom, only to go anyway and turn up fashionably an hour and a half late. I want to say it was an experience that I could not have missed, but unfortunately, I was bored to death.

July: I'm spending more time with my family, and I went back to my extra curricular. There's a wedding that we are spending time preparing for, which takes up time and brings more people together. I enjoyed July. I felt like I was really here. I also finally picked up my hobby of drawing, but only few doodles here and there.

August: Again, because all my family are also out for the summer, I spent more time with them. We took a trip to Scotland, and I loved it. It was like escaping everything, which is what I so desperately wanted. Lots of things happen, I have relatives that visit, we search for wedding venues, I eat tasty food. But results day is getting closer, and it speeds up times. Everyone gets restless, and there is one who worries so much that they called the night before to see if I was on the list of excelling students. I made a playlist for the day, a mash up of me feeling sad and me feeling happy. I was not particularly ready for how I would feel.

I get my results.

They are what I expect.

I still feel awful when I get home.

My mother makes us go to Wales. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to do anything. We still went. I spent time on the beach, with music and a pot in the rocks

It doesnt feel like people shpuld be proud of me, but they all congratulate me anyway.

I enroll for college with ease.

September: It is the beginning of change, as I had spent 5 years in secondary school, only for it to end and for me to go to college. I don't actually know what I expected, but it was better than what I thought It would be.

It feels good to be around right now. I make small documents of things I do, I enjoy doing it. I kept on top of my work, I told myself I was going to be the perfect student. I wanted to do well this time.

October: I'm still having fun dressing up for college. You can see by the collection of photos of my outfits in my gallery. The wedding datrs aree getting close and closer, and we finally have outfits. I'm trying to keep up with all the work I'm given, but I've never tried to keep up with my work. I spent more time planning a dance.

I also got an exchange partner.

November: Finally, the month of the wedding. It's hectic, and filled with lots of planning and executing the plans and parties and bridal showers and sleepovers and late nights and travelling, all for it to amount to a total if three days which were over in the blink of an eye. I went all the way to London twice, and I had award ceremonies for my results at GCSE.

December: and now here, the last month of the year, where I tell myself I will put all my effort in, only to Los E the whole month to my chronic procrastination. I now have an abundance of jumpers due to constant shopping, and Christmas was an entertaining dinner to say the least. My body I tired, and I'm glad this was over so quickly, but at the same time I wish it had all lasted longer.

Everything seemed to have gone by so quickly, and yet I had weeks where I would do ABSOLUTELY nothing. It was very confusing and sad to say the least.

So yes. That was 2017, a very detailed summary.

I hope 2018 is much brighter for me and my future.

💛 - Nemothechocolatebrownie