#i carried that corpse of a relationship for like 8 months by myself

[badcountryofficial]

It's so dumb how deep in bargaining I am and have been for a few months let's be real

[dedskul]

The Only Thing That Seems Fair

The sheer numbers of roles that you fulfilled in my life were almost suffocating

You were my mentor

My teacher

My therapist

My confidant

My best friend

My role model

All blended together

With an over-arching motherly attitude combing your roles like glue

How was I supposed to feel about you?

We were close

That was obvious to anyone and everyone

You're friends and collogues donned me with the nickname

Beth's sidekick

It was funny

You'd laugh and roll your eyes but I'd stand proud with my chest puffed out and a smile on my face

So happy and excited because for once I finally felt like I belonged

I was a part of something

Grouped in with YOU

I felt like I was living in a dream world were everyone was nice to me

Where people listened to what I had to say

Where my voice and my experiences were not only validated

But all the unpleasant things about me were too

Behind closed office doors and hotel rooms with do not disturb signs

Late night phone calls

Sunset evenings sitting in the trunk of my Jeep

Breakfasts at your favorite restaurants

Dinners at mine

Things were different

And ever evolving

I felt like a different person when I was alone with you

And maybe I was

My name replaced with

Sweetie

Honey

Sweetheart

Baby

I wasn't April and I wasn't acting like her

But I was defiantly putting on an act

I became whoever you wanted me to be

I did everything you told me to do

Everything you told me to say

Followed the same song and dance routine for three years before you turned your back and gave up on me just like everyone else

Leaving me alone to pick up the pieces

To lie to my friends and all the people I'd met over the years

To disappear into a void of depression, alcohol, drug abuse and self loathing.

But its been 10 years, right?

A fucking decade I've been struggling

Carrying the weight of you wherever I go

Tripping

Stumbling

Falling down

Getting back up

Gritting my teeth

White-knuckling my way though life

But no one ever sees it

Its never acknowledged because its the only way people know me now

Its my new normal

I've buried you and all of the parts of myself that drove our relationship into the ground

Good and bad

And left them to rot in the place where my heart used to be

I died ten years ago and walked into my own funeral disguised as a court hearing

I think a part of you died then too

Because that woman who sat across from me in the aisle was almost unrecognizable

You were a shell of a person

And I was a walking corpse

The prefect duo

Its no wonder why I feel like an imposter

For one I'm not actually dead

And if you were to ask anyone in my day to day life

I'm very much alive and well

Doing better then ever some might say

But that's not really the case

I'm a traumatized, pessimistic people-pleaser

I'm depressed, lonely, and fucking starving for anyone's attention or love

But that's not how it comes across

Because I get compliments

People telling me I'm easy-going

Funny

Loyal

Hard-working

Independent

I can't take any of it seriously

All it means is I've gotten better at hiding it

Over the years the weight has stayed the same and I've simply gotten stronger carrying it around this whole time

But that doesn't mean its not still there

I know its still there

Because it still all that I can do

I can't pick up anything else without my knees buckling

I can't commit to anything

A job

A house

A girlfriend

I've dated the same woman for 8 years

Lived with her for 7 years

And still can't look her in the eyes and to say yes when she asks me to marry her

I can't commit to a tattoo design to cover up the scar on my leg

Because no matter what gets inked into my skin

Your name will forever line my thigh, my memories, my dreams, and the rest of my life

I've tried to grieve

To let it all go and move on

But I can't heal in the same place where I was hurt

Its so hard to drive down the same streets

I pass by ROSMY twice a day

Every day on my way too and from work

And once every few months I'm forced to drive down the same road you and I used to frequent often

Park on the same street you and I did

And walk into the building right across the street from the one I'd spent countless hours with you in

I'll sit in my psychiatrist's office thankful her office window is behind me so I don't have to see the rainbow building where I gave my first ever speech

The same building where I met Karen the fist time

The same building where we raised money together the first time

The same building that covered us from prying eyes when you parked your Subaru around the back and kissed me in the backseat

How in the fuck am I supposed to feel now?

I feel trapped

I feel stuck

I feel like I'm going to feel like this forever

Its been ten fucking years and I still feel like the scared 18 year old kid

With no sense of direction

No future

Crushed hopes and dreams

And You

From what I understand

From the things I've leaned though mine and Karnes newly reunited friendship

Is that you've given up

You sound like a quitter

It sounds like you took the easy way out instead of the high road

You left non-profit work for a job at the federal reserve

You got married

Had a kid

Your a real mom now and not the fake pretend one you used to put on for me

I don't want to look at your life though a distorted lens and judge you

I don't want to be the bad guy

But its so hard to picture you like that

Its hard to imagine you happy and living a fulling life while I'm just now starting to realize what the fuck happened

You fucking hurt me

And not just by leaving

But by taking the knife out of my back

Soothing and healing my wounds

Only to take that same knife and stab in me in the front

And the worse part is you could even look me in the eyes while you did it

You didn't even speak at that court hearing

You didn't even spare me a passing glance as I walked out of your life forever

Then you had the audacity to blame it all on me

Painting me the villain when things didn't go smoothly immediately afterwards

Like you hadn't already done enough damage

Like you hadn't already heard the life drain out of me on that fucking phone call

My girlfriend called you a predator

Anytime I bring you up in conversation I get shut down

She cries

She says its so hard to sit and watch me miss you when everything I've described about our relationship to her sounds like abuse

She says you groomed me

I've done nothing but defend you

Denying it left and right

There was no way YOU did something like that

YOU?

You were my hero

The woman who saved my life twice

Killed me once

Who's kind words, lessons, and life advice brought me back and shaped the person I am today

I'd never believe something like that

But today I'm mad

Today I'm angry because I can't get though a single day without starring at your picture on my phone

I can't sleep at night because you haunt my dreams like a ghost

I can't get into bed with my girlfriend unless the room is pitch black

Because I can't bare to see her body wrapped around your name

And that's more ironic than you'll ever know

Because for me to be in any type of mood to meet her needs I have to have very specific conditions

Conditions that to others may seem a little odd but mostly normal

But for me are symbols and an attempted revision of the past

She doesn't know

And if I do end up marrying her it's something I'll probably take to my grave

But if you saw

You'd know exactly what I've been doing

It brings me shame

Its embarrassing to not be able to be intimae with someone I love unless I put her in a costume and close my eyes

I can't do this anymore

I can't keep playing this game and pretend I'm fine

I'm so fucking mad

And so fucking jealous

So jealous I can't tell if its jealously for your new life

Or for the child you are raising and knowing that they are living the childhood of my dreams and most likely will go on to lead a brighter, happier, bigger life than I could ever hope too

I hope you are actually happy and not secretly miserable like me

But I do hope that every once in a while I haunt you too

I hope you know that you hurt me

And I hope that guilt will eat at you until the day you die

I hope you struggle still too

I hope I find my closure and you never get yours

It's the only thing that seems fair

[indigobackfire]

HPHM MC Profile ✧

Indigo Silverwood

“ Getting near you is like stretching my hand into an open flame. I know I’ll burn myself, yet I crave the heat. ”

Nicknames: Indie. Didi (only by family). Silverwood. Silvie (by people who don't bother learning her name).

Gender: Female.

Birthday: 6th of March, 1973.

Born: Edinburgh, Scotland.

Mother: Clarin (née Tramer) Silverwood - Half-blood, Ravenclaw, English.

Father: Palmer Silverwood - Pureblood, Slytherin, Scottish.

Siblings: Jacob Silverwood (b. 1968), Phoenix Nobleworth Silverwood (b. 1973) - Phoenix was adopted after the death of his parents when he was just a couple of months old.

Ethnicity: Scottish, English, (probably with some Spanish roots).

Sexuality: Straight.

MBTI Type: ENFP-A

Blood Status: Half-blood (by her muggle grandmother on her mother's side).

Hogwarts House: Gryffindor.

Appearance

Eyes: Naturally yellow/golden/amber (nobody knows why, since their parent’s eyes are brown) but both hers and Jacob's eyes are like this). She wears glasses for her Astigmatism.

Hair: Naturally dark brown, but she asked her mother to turn it red when she turned 8 and doesn't plan on undoing it any soon.

• She’s average tall and reasonably strong build, honey-brown skin littered with scars from venturing with the vaults and being freaking attacked by dark wizards, big hands and feet due to her height. A large chest that grows at once in her 4th year (”Everybody's starring, Rowan!”).

• She keeps her nails short. Her makeup is often down to just some lipstick (mascara smudges her glasses, eye shadow irritates her eyes), her hair is often long wavy and fluffed for extra volume. She often smells like coconut oil from all the creams her mother insisted she used.

• She looks a lot like her father which gives her a rather rough look - like a handsome but wild animal - yet has enough of her mother’s attributes to be considered attractive and poise if well-groomed.

Magical Aspects

1st Wand: Red Oak wood with Dragon Heartstring core, 12″, pliable. "The true match for a red oak wand is possessed of unusually fast reactions, making it a perfect dueling wand. Its ideal master is light of touch, quick-witted and adaptable, often the creator of distinctive spells, and a good person to have beside in a fight." Indigo had good times with her red oak wand but as the years went by, her emotions start affecting the wand's efficiency. The wand would bleed a glowing red light in moments of extreme physical or emotional pain and become extremely unstable.

2nd Wand: Beechwood with Thestral hair core, 13", rigid flexibility. "The true match for a beech wand will be, if young, wise beyond their years, and if full-grown, rich in understanding and experience. Beech wands perform very weakly for the narrow-minded and intolerant. When properly matched, the beech wand is capable of a subtlety and artistry rarely seen in any other wood, hence its lustrous reputation." Indigo has a hard time adapting to her new wand, it's stubborn to her spells and acts upon its own will especially considering its unusual and unstable core, Thestral hair, which is of unknown habilities, except for its use in the mythical, Elder wand. Her wand is one of a kind which is why she has to adapt her abilities to match the wand's requirements. Despite all, it's a remarkable instrument for undoing curses/spells and detecting danger.

Animagus: Somali cat. She's already certain she wants to be a cat animagus - harmless, of easy blend, and enables an approach to humans -, but decides for the Somali breed, during the process, for its sumptuous golden fur and agility.

Patronus: Kangaroo, for its fighting spirit and family values, not to mention its strength. (In-game it's the Abraxan, but only because I thought it would be cool.)

Patronus memory: (During the first times) Her first Quidditch match, not just because they won but because everyone she loves from Hogwarts was there, and she got to cheer their victory together. (Later years) Her family gathering for hot cocoa during a rainy night with Jacob with them.

Abilities: Legilimency, and great emotional influence over magic (Don't get her frightened or angry or she will blow you up).

Boggart:  Her boggart changes constantly - she can't decide if it's either because she overcame the old fears, or if the new ones toppled those, creating a pile of fears. And since the new DADA teacher is always teaching Riddikulus again and again, the famous curse-breaker is always the most awaited in the line.

Jacob, eyes dark and musty, clothes covered in blood, someone's blood. He walks to her and slowly raises his sleeve, the Death mark is craved deep in his flesh and it glows. Behind him, it rises the Dark Lord.

Riddikulus: He turns into a younger version of himself from a photograph she recalls laughing about with her mom (he's running wearing a loaded diaper, crazy hair, rosy cheeks).

For a while is someone in a cloak threatening to cast the killing curse over her friends, whispering each of their names like a snake but she's frozen unable to stop them.

Riddikulus: The cloak falls to reveal a bunch of gnomes piled up wearing wigs and makeup.

For another, very realistic corpses of all of her friends spread at her feet, a dark wizard across from her, it's over and there isn't anything she can do to save them anymore - it was a grim day in DADA, but they all wanted to see it didn't they?

Riddikulus: This is the one time she fails to defeat a boggart, letting the horrible scene consume her, she falls to her knees defeated, and even after Rakepick's shouting, when she tries to cast the spell, it fails again and again.

This last boggart came to show everyone around her how truly terrified she was, not for her own life, but for that of those around her. How despite the confidence she was constantly displaying, in reality, she was afraid she couldn't save them from whatever was trying to get her.

Amortentia: Her Amortentia smells like Jacob's cologne — which he used to borrow from their father which is why she recalls so easily —, fresh Catnip ever since she became an animagus, bakings just out of the oven — extra intensity if there's chocolate involved, and freshly washed sweaters (from hugging Barney and the Weasleys).

Mirror of Erised: She's under the shadow of a tree, Jacob on one side along with Phoenix and Aspen, Barnaby's head resting on her lap, Rowan by her side, and Orion for some reason. They're laughing and reading books, it's an eternal spring afternoon.

Miscellaneous

Pets: A Sphynx cat, Mocca, a brown and white rat, Franccesca, and (later in her Hogwarts years) a Great Horned owlet, Plum.

Things she always carries with her: Her wand (duh), a handmade Gryffindor bracelet that used to belong to Jacob, the Handbook of Magical Theory, a handful of peppermints, a pouch with some money, a flask of Wideye potion, some Murtlap Essence, and a family photo during Christmas of 1980.

Lucky Amulets: She has a dream catcher made by Phoenix from feathers he shed during transformations and a "broken" knight from Murphy's chessboard who decided to leave the game for good and now sleeps on Indigo's nightstand with its horse, she likes stroking the horse the night before every Quidditch match

Best Friends

Her brother, Phoenix, takes the crown in matter of importance because, well, they're siblings who grew up practically like twins, but their relationship deserves their own detailing.

Rowan has got to be the first. Not only they share the same adventurous nerdy spirit, but Rowan also is the one to stick around even when everything is dark and uncertain and Indigo's popularity plummets. Indigo is always excited to hear whatever Rowan has to say - most times about books or Bill Weasley - and she's rarely fazed by the weird things Rowan does.

Murphy McNully is a close second, having officially met in the middle of her second year, they're both still fresh in a matter of friendships which allows them to open up, both in desperate need of company and support. He's often a companion in the girl's library and common room study sessions and sits with them during meals.

Charlie Weasley has her heart and soul from the moment they first speak during year one, but it actually takes a while until they form any real bond, which begins after he finds out she has been seeking his brother's help to search for the cursed vaults.

Ben is a friend she cherishes deeply but often finds it hard to break through his protective shell which makes him feel distant even when he opens up to her. Unlike her friends, she grows more liking towards Ben after he has his change in personality, as he feels more open about himself.

Chiara is a friend she deeply appreciates for her courage in reaching out for her help in times of need and trusting her with her secret. In Marauder fashion, she likes keeping an eye on her on the nights of full moon - which is good to train her cat tree climbing. They often have afternoon tea together and she teaches Indigo useful healing spells.

Andre and Indigo didn't have a great start, as she thought of him as arrogant and inconsiderate, and he thought she was careless and selfish. But when she helps him with a transfiguration mishap during their 3rd year when he was trying to be creative - and the reason he now has a two-headed cat - they start opening up to each other and begin a friendship. He's a good friend to confide in about the mundane aspects of her life and Quidditch intrigues.

Orion means to her more than she can put into words. Not only he is her team captain, but also a dear friend whom she turns to in times of emotional instability cause she knows he'll be the one to successfully help her clear her mind. They enjoy each other's company even if they don't have anything interesting to say. They sit together during every Divination class for as long as the subject goes.

She has no "rivals" as she finds that sort of labeling quite petty, but would definitely punch Emily Tyler on the stomach and perhaps Face Paint kid for all his eavesdropping.

She has an easier time bonding with her fellow Gryffindors since they spend most of their time together in classes, lunch, and hanging around in the common room.

Dormmates: She and Rowan got placed in a room for three people, as the ones for five were already full, along with a girl called Tanya. But at the beginning of their 4th year, they find out she has bailed out to another dorm room claiming they 1. Snort and speak in their sleep on a regular basis, 2. Will eventually endanger her with their cursed vault shenanigans, 3. Will get her killed - which, spoilers, actually happens, oops. So they basically have the dorm for themselves.

Academics

Favorite Classes:

Potions

Flying

DADA

Magical Theory

Least Favorite:

Transfiguration

History of Magic

Arithmancy

Favorite Professor: Kettleburn. Despite CoMC not being on her top favorite subjects, she enjoys her time in his classes and reminds her of her grandfather on her father's side who's a highlander wizard.

Least Favorite: Binns. Just retire you old man!

Quidditch Position: Chaser. Despite enjoying her time as Gryffindor's beater, she notices the position takes a toll on her physical wellbeing, having to carry a heavy bat and being injured by bludgers more times than she can keep track of. So she returns to her chaser position after a year.

Favorite Team: Montrose Magpies. She never had an interest in Quidditch before she began playing but decided to pick a team to support. Of course, it had to be a Scottish team and settles for MM because of professor McGonagall who's also a supporter.

She's not indigo's face claim, but it's hard to find good red-haired characters out there.

I guess I'll leave her background and history for another post since it interweaves very tightly with her sibling. And since I'm still exploring her story.

Well this is just an intro to my beloved MC

[tepkunset]

Ravenous hordes descend, chainsaws swing, heads are liberated from their reanimated corpses and Barnaby winks gleefully more than once at Quentin Tarantino’s “Pulp Fiction.” In one scene, Waylon Jennings roars on the 8-track as a hero goes head-to-head with flesh-eating zombies; in another, a character receives a painful surprise during oral sex when his infected partner turns at an inopportune moment (a commentary on post-colonial misogyny and toxic masculinity, the filmmaker says amusedly).

As the apocalypse unfolds, old wounds fester and conflicting views on self-preservation put the group’s survival into jeopardy. Half-brothers Lysol (Gordon) and Joseph (Goodluck) bond over their strained relationships with their dad, Traylor; Joseph, who has a baby on the way with his white girlfriend, Charlie (Olivia Scriven), wrestles with fearful unknowns; his mother Joss (Tailfeather), Traylor’s ex and a trained nurse, quietly springs into action when the reservation seals itself from the outside world, then comes under siege.

Veteran actor Greyeyes, whose stage and screen career has often explored indigenous experiences but rarely with an indigenous filmmaker at the helm, loved the premise from the start.

“It’s not just a film, it’s a political action to flip the switch and go, ‘The land that we deemed worthless, the rez that we stuck you on? That is now the safest place in the world. Whereas we pushed you away from the heart of our communities, now we’re seeking entrance into yours,’” he said. “This idea that colonial history has been reenacted subversively is a message that even the most non-political, non-socially informed person will understand right away.”

...

Production even went on hiatus for several months while the weather changed and Barnaby banged on doors to secure funds to finish the film. But at least he found receptive backers. When he’d first pitched the project in 2007, he said, no one would bite.

“It was a different time. Nobody was ready for a story like this,” he said. “Nobody was ready to hear that the great capitalist dream was falling apart and colonialism was going to help usher us into destruction. So it was the culture that took catching up to the script. Nothing changed, just the cultural perception of it.”

[KEEP READING]

For any of you who have dabbled with the thought of seeing this movie... please read this article, and please see this film. Just saw it myself and I will call it what it is; a fucking masterpiece that is so obviously put together with raw passion and talent in equal measure.

The moment the film opens with an “ancient settler proverb,” (which yes, I choked on my glass of water when reading,) the stage is set. But what really drives home all the social-political commentary is the main characters themselves, and their relationships. Lysol--who yes, is undeniably an asshole--has a deeper complexity to him, where it would have been so easy to make him a one-dimensional prop to cause conflict. In fact, I found him to be the most interesting of them all. (A lot of credit should go to Kiowa Gordon for killing it. I’m gonna remember his name after this.) Kisiku was definitely second, I found him intriguing and carried a great presence.

Anyway, it’s very, very good. The only reason I would not recommend it is if you are squeamish about blood and gore. It is still a zombie movie, even if one of a different flavor than most. 

[florbelles]

lyra and john for the ship ask?

thank you lovely! 💕

GENERAL

rate the ship awful | ew | no pics pls | i’m not comfortable | alright | i like it! | got pics? | let’s do it! | why is this not getting more attention?! | the otp to rule all other otps

how long will they last? as long as some part of either of them exists tbh

how quickly did/will they fall in love? when i say they have no chill and lyra moved into the ranch after living in hope county for two weeks i mean it

how was their first kiss? john’s nose bled, next question

WEDDING

who proposed? technically john. sort of. ( i’m sorry for this long answer but i haven’t really discussed it so ) lyra had already joined the project, lived with john, begun her training with jacob, and had taken up the rudimentary form of what would eventually become her role as the judge. it had only been a few months, but joseph believed he recognized her from his visions and wanted to bring her into the family Officially; at this point john and lyra were already 100% in it and he was straight up like if she’s going to become a seed it’s going to be through me, because, well, john. lyra just looked at him when he came to her with it and said “what of it? are you not my husband? am i not your wife?” and that was that; lyra doesn’t live by half-measures, she was married in every way that mattered to her the second she stepped across that threshold with her bags. ( well. shaggy carried the bags. but you get it. )

who is the best man/men? no one, but if you listened carefully you could hear shaggy sobbing outside the church. is he happy for them or crushed by the revelation he’s really stuck with both of them forever now? who can say!

who is the bride’s maid(s)? no one; faith was Not pleased when she heard lyra had gone and married her brother without telling her ( but it would have been her, if they’d had attendees. )

who did the most planning? there wasn’t much, but john ( and joseph, i suppose, since he officiated. )

who stressed the most? the only one who had any amount of stress was john.

how fancy was the ceremony? back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 ( i’ve been informed inflation adjustment was necessary by virtue of lyra’s aura ) | 4 | normal church wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

who was specifically not invited to the wedding? everyone, with the exception of joseph by necessity; while the significance of the two most extra drama fiends to ever step into the valley having the most understated ceremony in existence could be elaborated on with sentimentality — they can come as they are with each other, etc etc — it was partly a tactical move; lyra couldn’t fairly well maintain her cover with the locals if she publicly married john seed in an elaborate ceremony. they intend to have one officially in the new eden with all of the family and faithful; they never get that chance.

SEX

who is on top? either/or tbh

who is the one to instigate things? either/or

how healthy is their sex life? barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | they are humping each other on the couch right now

how kinky are they? straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head ( no horse head necessary in the sex dungeon. just kidding. they don’t have a sex dungeon they just hook up in the normal torture one )

how long do they normally last? before everything went to hell, as long as they want ( rip, get the ice packs ); after the reaping begins, as long as they have

do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? okay listen i’m going to be brutally honest, they fuck a lot, they’re not counting but they’re not complaining

how rough are they in bed? softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | the bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make dwayne johnson blush. also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. ( their walls are premium )

how much cuddling/snuggling do they do? no touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | a little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | they snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory. ( lyra is actually the biggest offender but she blames his needy ass. also if she knows you know this she’ll commit homicide. this is not hyperbole )

CHILDREN

how many children will they have naturally? none. ( in aus they do; one in the cult wins verse because lyra’s iud expired but she was not willing to sacrifice her sex life, and fairbrookseed have three; the twins via wes and a younger son via john. )

how many children will they adopt? three at the beginning of the reaping — boomer, peaches & cheeseburger. ( john unwilling. )

who gets stuck with the most diapers? not applicable, but hypothetically shaggy

who is the stricter parent? it would have been john

who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? it would have been john; lyra would have taught them the dangerous stunts they’re doing after school

who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? it would have been shaggy

who is the more loved parent? the furbabies love lyra more. obviously.

who is more likely to attend the pta meetings? it wOULD HAVE BEEN JOHN

who cried the most at graduation? same answer; lyra would have waited until they got home and then cried in the shower for an hour

who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? either/both, but in practice probably john

COOKING

who does the most cooking? neither/shaggy; lyra if you count her Attempts when she staggers in at 3am after hunting sinners or gathering intel at the spread eagle

who is the most picky in their food choice? john; lyra behaves like she is but in fact thinks it will be a shame when casey’s non-testicle related recipes are lost when he burns in the collapse

who does the grocery shopping? neither; lyra’s the most likely to bring things back from town, but it’s usually liquor she swiped from the bar ( so that mary may can’t sell it, of course! )

how often do they bake desserts? they don’t bake

are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? whatever shaggy puts in front of them; it’s probably meat and it’s probably unfortunate

who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? john, but he’s only responsible for the theatrics; everything was 100% still prepared by the flock

who is more likely to suggest going out? for the truly exceptional hope county cuisine, served in businesses they definitely didn’t try to get shut down, in which they are most definitely both still welcome and could appear together without blowing her cover and/or getting shot on sight? neither. in a “let’s physically go out by the fire pit” sense, lyra.

who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking? honestly, both of them, because in the event they were cooking one of them probably decided to be distracting~ while they waited~ and oh no they forgot about it oh no everything’s on fire oh no shaggy put it out oh no shaggy how could you let this happen

CHORES

who cleans the room? shaggy

who is really against chores? both to an extent, but especially lyra

who cleans up after the pets? neither, but since john philosophically opposes their presence in the first place and tries to ship them off to jacob every tuesday, it sure as hell ain’t him

who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? if, inexplicably, they’re sweeping, it’s lyra, both proverbially and literally

who stresses the most when guests are coming over? if the guest is joseph ( or even jacob ), JOHN. otherwise they’re unconcerned.

who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? a dollar? one (1) dollar? john keeps literal stacks of thousands of dollars in cash just sitting around. the answer is hopefully not the resistance.

MISC

who takes the longer showers/baths? john ( but lyra usually joins. )

who takes the dog out for a walk? shaggy, boomer has almost taken his leg off on fifty separate occasions. ( it’s lyra. )

how often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? canonically they never have the opportunity, really, but lyra probably would have decorated for the winter holidays. some mistletoe on the antlers, a garland on that sinner corpse hanging out by the porch. beautiful.

what are their goals for the relationship? to make it to new eden, tbh. they found unconditional love in each other when that was an impossibility for them for most of their lives; they just want to keep what they have and prove themselves worthy.

who is most likely to sleep till noon? JOHN. lyra’s up before dawn every day ( and drags him out of bed to watch the sunrise with her; he’s very excited for the apocalypse. )

who plays the most pranks? pranks? lyra, but not the funny sort, it’s like...whoops, sorry, i forgot to mention i was roasting sinners out back, the grounds will smell like burning flesh for a bit! did you bring home any flayed skin today? <3 ( i jest, it’s more to the effect of “the sinners were terribly dull today so to amuse myself i told them i heard rumors about the judge and the reason they didn’t know you had a wife is because you kept her locked in a sex dungeon. also, adelaide wants you to spank her. how went the confessions?” )

[shooter-nobunagun]

[There is a point, a singularity where it all begins and then the path splits into innumerable different roads...]

[What happens in ‘to the beginning’, it all starts here. But as for which path will be the ultimate outcome...you will have to decide for yourself.]

“Jack-san! Hurry, your son’s just been born!” The nurse on duty rushed out of the sliding doors as he strode into the hall, sliding the final locks of his gear in place.

Good. He’d made it just in time.

“Came in at 7.4 pounds, only half an hour of labor and with a full head of hair already! It’s blonde right now, but it’ll probably darken later on,” the head nurse chatted away cheerfully, but he barely heard her comments; they were irrelevant after all, when he could just see the child for himself.

“—Aah, and our new father has arrived! Gud timing, tha’s fer sure. Congratulations, Adam.” A hearty clap from the Scottish man who’d been there to assist, only just returned with the slightest of nods because there was only one—no, two people now were the only things that mattered—

“Oh, look who’s here...” She was as exhausted as he’d ever seen her, but her face couldn’t be more proud. His beautiful wife Sio Ogura, codename “Nobunagun”, lay there with her hair spread in a messy halo, the crying newborn cradled softly against her chest. “Look, it’s tou-san...” Gently she lifted the baby towards him, who started fussing and squirming and wondering who this stranger was carrying him away.

“I...hello there...” He could hardly breathe, unsure of anything or what to even say—but the swell of pride in his chest and the beginnings of that deep, inexplicable bond of parental love—that was something he could understand, and embrace. This was his child—their child; all theirs, something special made just by the two of them. “Aren’t you something else...”

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he? His eyes are just like yours, you know.” A tired but proud voice from her as he softly stroked his son’s fine hair and peered at those emeralds that, one day, would look the same as his. “I can’t believe he’s here…”

“I can hardly believe it myself,” he murmured, blinking rapidly because his eyes were getting moist. “Sio…you did great, love…”

She sighed contentedly as he returned the baby to its mother, who proceeded to squirm and root around for her nipple. “Oh! I guess he’s hungry already...” Smiling, she shed the top half of her robe and the infant latched on, suckling noisily.

“He’s a smart one, tha’s fer sure. Oy Adam, surely ye can stay a wee bit longer? Don’t hear Geronimo paging fer ye over the system yet...”

“I…” He was supposed to shake his head no, and gently but firmly inform everyone, his wife included, that he had to leave soon; Geronimo was already waiting at the drop pod’s entrance, and this mission could not be delayed any further. And yet he just stood there, nodding wordlessly for a second, before leaning down and giving his newborn son the smallest of kisses on his tiny head, before sweeping Sio up into a full, warm kiss. “I love you…both of you…” Warmth, pride and most of all an overwhelming feeling of love; love and affection towards his wife, the protective love of a father towards his child, and the love and gratitude from his friends and family who were there to help support them through all this.

“I love you too, Adam…I know it’s cheesy, but I can’t remember being happier…he’s so perfect…” She lay buried against his chest, both of them watching their baby peacefully as he nursed.

In this moment, it was hard for Adam to comprehend they were still fighting. That in fact, outside of this sheltered little haven, the world was not at peace; indeed, the war that led them to meet in the first place was still raging, more terrible than ever. It had only been the longest of odds that allowed him to be present for the birth of his son, rather than swept onto the battlefield as they’d originally planned. Even as Hunter strode over to open the window for a touch of fresh air, the icy hail greeting them was indicative of the harsh reality of their fortress’s chosen path.

The Alex Logan, their home-away-from-home for many years now, battling through a fierce snowstorm as it crossed over the Arctic circle along its route. Still, despite the harsh weather it was one of the few places left that afforded them some measure of safety, even in the air. The Alaskan wilderness had reported disturbing activity through the frozen ground itself—and as much as Geronimo despised the cold, she and Jack were the only ones who had enough strength and the right weapons to hack through a battlefield of ice.

“Mmmnn…Adam, you really have to go?” Hazy maroons glanced upwards, but he kissed them shut. “I know…Geronimo’s probably blowing a gasket right about now…”

“Heh; let me handle her, love. I’ll be fine.” As he reluctantly got up from the warmth of their embrace, the reality of his mission came flooding back in the form of adrenaline. Despite Geronimo’s seniority, he was the field commander for this mission, with the leader of the First Platoon as his second. Years of competitive rivalry had somewhat mellowed out into a utilitarian, if not friendly, professional relationship. Still, Adam knew he’d never hear the end of it if he was late—and Geronimo was always punctual.

“Say good-bye to tou-san for now, okay? Don’t worry, he’ll be back…won’t he?” Those maroon orbs cast an enigmatic shadow over her face; worried, but trying her best to remain hopeful, to remain calm and let him focus on the battle at hand without worrying about them.

“Of course, Sio. You know I’ll be fine; especially with Geronimo, we can handle whatever’s down there.” It felt at that moment he was invincible, even though Galileo had warned him there was a very real chance whatever was causing the signals was entirely unknown, and more than likely extremely dangerous. But in the warmth of his new family it was hard to see beyond that sphere, of the real world that lay outside this steel fortress.

“Be careful out there, mate. I mean it.” As he secured the final parts of his suit, Hunter came up to him looking as serious as he’d ever appeared. “This ain’t just some gung-ho, kill count free-for-all anymore—ye’ve got more than jus’ one t’ live fer, now.”

Click. The steel in his emeralds sent a shiver down even Hunter’s spine. “Don’t worry, Hunter. I know...believe me, I know it now, more than ever...”

And still he felt no fear; Nightingale chastised him for being overconfident and warned him hubris was just as deadly was cowardice, but he ignored her. There was no way...no way he’d let his child grow up without a father, without parents. Even if this war would consume the rest of their lives, he and Sio had agreed to do everything they could to raise a family, as best they could.

He was supposed to go, but only one step forward before he turned heel and, not even caring the room was full of hospital staff and Hunter, swept Sio into a full, passionate kiss; a little deeper and hungrier than would be proper for public eyes, but nothing could shake him right now. “I promise, I’ll be back just fine,” he whispered, before kissing her eyelids, one at a time, and then one final brush on his son’s forehead. “Wait for me, loves.”

“Adam...be careful...and come back to us. We’ll be waiting...” A single tear slid down but he wiped that up before it even fell. “Please...”

“Of course. I promise.” And then he proceeded to climb out the window, much to everybody’s surprise.

“Uh, Adam? Drop pod’s down the hall, unless there’s some new procedure I’m not aware of...”

“Oh, I know.” Shrugging nonchalantly, he spread those enormous razor-tinged wings, yet white feathers still fell to the ground like snow. “But I figured, this way Geronimo won’t be chewing my ear off about how I’m late.” 

With a final salute, he casually fell out backwards, before spreading his wings and meeting up with the drop pod just as it was about to begin the launch sequence.

“About damn time! I was starting to think I’d have to handle this frozen mess on my own, Jack.” There was an irritated glare as the short-haired woman snapped her pocket watch shut, slipping it back inside her suit. “I know your wife just gave birth, and congrats and all, but did you really have to cut it so close?!”

Adam could only shrug helplessly, that grin still lingering on his face. “Sorry Geronimo, but I did make it before the launch, as I said I would...”

“Pfft yeah, 10 seconds is a real margin.”

“Better than 0.1 second.”

“Whatever. Just strap in, Alaska’s not gonna save itself...that frozen piece of shit...” Still, he knew she wasn’t really mad at him. A birth from one of their own had been the talk of the entire organization ever since Sio became pregnant nine months ago, and now with his son’s arrival at last, he was sure there was bound to be some sort of celebration—which he would miss, but that wasn’t the important part.

“So, do we know anything else about this ‘mysterious’ Object?”

“Jack the Ripper, Geronimo, launch sequence will begin in T minus 10, 9, 8...”

“Nope. Don’t have a damn clue still. But hey, when has that ever stopped you...”

“Isn’t that my line?”

“—4, 3, 2—”

“Look Jack,” and she turned to look at him square in the eye, “just don’t go and do something stupid that’ll require me to haul your ass back, or worse, your corpse. And I’m not just saying this because Nobunagun’ll turn me into Swiss cheese if that happens—you’re a father now. You’re responsible for more than just your own life. So don’t fuck it up, got it?”

He grinned, that smile crossing from excitement into bloodlust as the pod began its acceleration. “Geronimo, mate...I don’t think you’ll have anything to worry about...except how many of those creatures you can slay today.”

“Oh, I think that would be your problem, Jack.”

"...So, first to 100? Loser buys the winner a round?”

She licked her lips and both of them stared at each other with rather psychotic grins. “Sure, Jackie-boy. Just remember, this was your idea.”

“Of course, of course...”

Some things never changed; the rivalry between him and Geronimo, that would probably go down until the end of time. But other things, like his new family...

‘Sio, I promise I’ll be back, safe and sound. This is only the beginning, after all...of the next chapter in our lives.’

Nothing would happen to them; he would make sure of that. No matter what came at them, or what foreboding visions Nightingale might have hinted at, he didn’t believe them—couldn’t believe them. For he was Adam Muirhead, the reincarnation of one Jack the Ripper and Florence Nightingale, and she was Sio Ogura, the reborn soul of the infamous warlord Oda Nobunaga. And nothing could stand in their way when they were together, not even fate.

Ah...but you know, even my powers cannot predict the future...so let it be said, that no matter what may come your way, you must be the ones to hold onto that hope...for at each starting point, there will forever be an innumerable number of paths that you might take...

[enkisstories]

The android cemetery (Chapter 8)

A city the size of Detroit never really went dark. Even in the abandoned sectors campfires would lit the night in places not even the CyberLife tower’s corona reached. VETA solid waste landfill , however, was situated a little out of town and only lit in places where it was absolutely necessary. The place gave a citydweller an inkling of what the real night was like. A car slipped routinely into the parking lot, effortless, inconspicuous. After it had come to a halt, the human behind the steering wheel loosened the safety belt, then caressed his passenger’s cheek.

“Wake up, slide-rule”, he said softly.

With a barely audible “whirr” the android on the passenger seat snapped out of energy saving mode. It took it some seconds to re-orientate itself.

“Huh? Where… oh.”

“We’re there”, the human behind the steering wheel announced. “The solid waste landfill.”

“Damn! You just had to say it out loud!”

Of course Gavin would have. That mean streak of his didn’t go away just because he had a boyfriend now. And admittedly Daniel was still calling him a pathetic mortal on occasion.

The deviant didn’t bother with touching anything in the car. He mentally overrode the electronic controls, the belt retracted, the door opened and the seat turned clockwise to make exiting the car easier. Once outside however, Daniel grabbed the door and slammed it shut full force with his own hands.

“What’s your gripe?” Gavin prodded while exiting at the car’s opposite side. He circled it until he stood next to his partner. “The Phillips would not have driven you here!”

“Nah”, Daniel agreed. “They’d probably have told me to walk over here, report to the janitor and mail them a receipt of disposal before shutting down myself.”

“The suckers”, Gavin commented, but in a noncommittal way only. The man meant what he was saying, but his thoughts were elsewhere. Here they stood, in form-fitting black clothes and padded vests. Daniel was also wearing his weighted gloves with the retractable claws and carrying an automatic pistol while Gavin had brought a full burglar’s kit. Because one way or another, they needed a PL600 corpse to put into the DPD’s archive in Daniel’s place. Now Gavin would have very much preferred to skewer a legally purchased pre-owned PL600 from the CyberLife store instead of going through the landfill to find a safely dead one. Only that this would have had led to major relationship stress of the kind the man could not afford again for another three months or so.

Human and android sighed in unison. Their gazes drifted along the security fence.

“Fuck, man…” Daniel muttered.

Gavin reached up and clapped his partner on the shoulder.

“Anytime, Danny, anytime”, he said. “But for now – see that fence segment to our left? That doesn’t look as if it could withstand a determined kick.”

“How convenient that’s exactly what I’m feeling like right now!”

Entering the disposal area the men at first were able to follow a well trodden path. To their left and right heaps of garbage were scattered in the landscape like low hills. Each one was separate and with plenty of space between itself and the next one. Of course that would change later, once they got deeper in.

Daniel kicked a plastic bottle that was lying on the ground. As it flew towards the nearest trash heap it span around. For a moment the “Product of Cyberlife” logo was visible on the transparent plastic.

The sight made Gavin stop for a moment. “Saaaaaay, with all the spare parts and thirium that must have piled up here”, he mused aloud, “the place should be crawling with salvagers. I mean, it’s like money lying around.” The thought seemed to both excite and worry the man. “We should proceed with caution!”

“I guess so”, Daniel agreed. “Also they’ll have guards. I wonder… dodge!”

The next thing Gavin knew was getting shoved towards a trash heap and forced down. Next to him Daniel went into kneeling position. The android’s H&K MP7A7 appeared in his hand almost magically. And thus they cowering right next to where they belonged: the trash (as the DPD officers would have claimed, anyway). Daniel’s hand was steady, eyes focused on something in the distance. They were flickering here and there as if following something that constantly changed its position. And then the human noticed it, too: There was movement between the heaps. A shadow here, the rustle of garbage put into motion by something passing by there… It was probably nothing bigger than an electronic car. Everything else would have produced more noise, too. But even a lone PJ500 on nightwatch could spell trouble with a single phonecall to its base. The trespassers kept hunched behind a conglomerate of no longer identifiable objects, not moving, keeping their breath low, watching…

After a while a lone figure emerged from behind a tower made from broken sinks, bathtubs and urinals. It was humanoid, but walking with robotic movements. Every few steps it paused, giving the impression that it needed to remember what came after “right leg”. Eventually the figure stood still. A LED on its temple flickered – red, out, red out, red… It was an android and now the trespassers also noticed the remains of the uniform that went with that status. They could not read the model designation from their hiding place, but the cap and overall suggested an outdoors worker of some kind.

Daniel sheathed his pistol. He wanted to rise, but Gavin tugged at the android’s vest.

“Don’t! That thing isn’t looking too healthy. What if it wants to explode?”

“Nobody “wants” to explode!” Daniel snapped.

As he broke free and hustled towards the damaged android, the LED went out without coming online again. Since no more act of willpower kept it upright, the android slowly keeled over. It crashed on the ground the moment Daniel reached it.

The deviant knelt down. He got out his phone battery pack and connected it to the port in the back of the fallen android’s neck where it did… nothing. The energy was sucked up by the other system, but with no more controlling instance that told it how to use that energy the mechanism remained dormant.

“I do not know what else to try”, Daniel whispered to nobody in particular. He was alone and had already tried everything in his abysmally thin booklet of android first aid knowledge. For all practical purposes the other android was dead.

“There must be something I can do!” Daniel claimed.

If only he could think harder! Put the computing power inside his own head to some use! But right now he felt as dead in there as the fallen park worker android.

“Something!” Daniel pressed the words out. “There just has to be! Something...”

“There isn’t.”

Daniel felt Gavin’s arms around him, the human’s hands grabbing his own, holding them fast.

“I know this must suck”, Gavin said, pressing the other’s hands tighter. “Mourn if you feel like it, but don’t blame yourself!”

Daniel had to believe his partner. Gavin Reed had been a cop and before that a private eye for longer than the android existed. He must have seen his share of similar crap, Daniel thought. Victims found dead in the streets or in their own homes, people dying right before his eyes, sometimes because they fell to the bullets of his co-workers. Tina’s, probably? Or Gavin’s own? His friend had never talked about accidently or deliberately having taken a life, but Daniel didn’t want to rule out the possibility. Good thing Gavin and Tina combined had the empathy of a mechanical herb grinder! Because otherwise they couldn’t have done that job. And right now it also seemed to be a good thing that he himself had quit, although there were days Daniel was missing policework.

“We cannot let… it lie around like that”, Daniel eventually decided.

He looked around, located a turned over armchair and dragged Gavin behind him towards it. The human put it up again, then they moved the shutdown android into the seat. That way, Daniel argued, it would have an easier time getting up should it come to its senses again. Gavin said nothing at first, going along with whatever his partner seemed to need for his mental balance. Only when Daniel asked him to check whether there was still a little thirium in the bottle they had found earlier and get it for him, did the man protest: “What’s next? Leaving our phone number?”

There was no need for that, Daniel knew. The Underground Airline’s contact code should be hidden nearby in some advertisement of VETA’s, the company that managed the landfill. Connor had planted it there, right after the organization had formed. But that particular bit of information wasn’t something Daniel would have entrusted Gavin with. Although the detective had laughed away the network’s existence upon discovering it, there was no telling how he would react to learning more details about the scope of the whole operation. At the moment the detective was all “out of sight, out of mind”, off to Europe with the deviants and be done with the problem at home! But if Gavin Reed realized that every android rescued by the Underground Airline was another soldier to join Markus’s potentially world conquering army all bets might be off. It was safer to not remind him of the network’s existence too often.

“Why was it still active, anyway?” Gavin asked. He sat on the chair’s armrest, arms crossed and scanning the surroundings with his surveillance goggles. “I mean, normally you turn off a device before you throw it away. Do you think someone re-activated the android on purpose?”

Daniel shook his head. “That’s the normal state of this place”, he replied. “Markus told me as much. Maybe lightning gets the androids up and running again or maybe some of them shut down and get sent here, but they weren’t really dead and regain consciousness. Or some kid wants to be cruel… There are many causes.”

Gavin jumped off the armchair. “You mean our municipal landfill is crawling with half-dead androids?!” he shouted.

“Looks like it.”

“Creepy...! And are they fucking everywhere? Or is there an android cemetery somewhere in this dump?”

Daniel shrugged. “I think they have some kind of sorting system here” he ventured, pointing towards the plumbing tower. “There might be all-android sections. During the recall of ’38 alone there must have been thousands of victims.”

“You think they are still around today?”

“Yes.” Daniel gesticulated around vaguely. “Look around you, Gavin! Most of the stuff here doesn’t look as if VETA goes around to harvest still salvageable stuff often. Or even puts much effort into curating what they’ve got. Human wastefulness is our salvation.”

Gavin opened his mouth only to shut it again. He attempted another start, but this time stood gape-jawed for several seconds. Thousands of android bodies? Thousands of very angry androids with easy access to improvised weapons both of the sharp and the bludgeoning variety? This was Daniel’s idea of a sane way to get a PL600 corpse? At this rate he could just have phoned one and asked it to shamble into town nicely come morning! And who guaranteed them that the androids were not planning exactly that? They had a base, they had the materials and they certainly had the brains. Any morning now a fucking army of android zombies could pour into Detroit! This was worse, much worse, then any of the job stealing shit the man had dreaded all those years.

Frantically Gavin looked around for a handy hydraulic press or a shovel dredger. When a quick scan of their immediate vicinity didn’t yield any such mechanism of mass destruction, the man shrugged.

“Let’s look around for a PL600 other than you”, he resigned. “That’s what we’ve come here for, after all.”

“Yeah.”

[ambitiouslyamanda-blog]

holding myself accountable has always been something i have constantly worked towards in my everlong battle to fight who i am and improve my faults. i have chosen to be dishonest, private, and secretive in the last two years, and this inner turmoil and bottling has left me feeling empty, as if i’m carrying around a shell of my former self. at the same time, i feel like i’m carrying around a dead body, a corpse of who i used to be, making me feel a million pounds and as if i could float away all at once. i have done many things in these last couple of years, most of which were huge accomplishments in my personal and professional life, relationships, and goals. attending ryerson is a constant tool i use to better myself as i am surrounded by amazing peers and professors who inspire me in more ways than they can ever think possible. to those reading, thank you.

my hands are trembling as i type this on my computer at residence. it’s 4:38pm and i just finished my second last day of training to be a residence advisor. my “sad” spotify playlist is blaring through my small room. i am anxious, and my throat is dry. i have put on this front for everyone around me in these last two years to try and have my friends, family, peers, and otherwise perceive me as anything but broken, damaged, and misconstrued. i have always strived to be that person who turned heads when she walked into a room, someone who was envied and respected by all – because i have always been the one to play the underdog, even in my own stories. for once, i wanted to switch the narrative and be a figurehead on a pedestal – untouchable. i decided when i entered university the amanda who was so everpresent in my previous years was dead. from the ages of 12 to 18, i was placed in two schools with specific figures who consistently and deterministically tried to drag me down by any means necessary. in grade 8, i reached a boiling point where my lashing out on others became only self directed, and i had started to hurt myself. i isolated myself from friends and family and took to sleeping all hours of the day, and wandering off at night to local parks and bridges i could romanticize horrible things on. in high school, i rolled with a crowd when i was sixteen to seventeen that was incredibly toxic, abusive, and manipulative to me, having a leader who methodically and mechanically broke me down day by day. by the time i was eighteen and desperately searching for my own identity, i was shattered into pieces by the people i trusted and reflecting obsessively on the bullying i have endured during my late elementary school days. when i decided to create goals, i.e. getting into university and moving to toronto, i retrieved the little parts of me that were left cracked on the floor, but i still found myself anxious and depressed about the past i have been through. i told myself the only way to get past my past was to become anew, and try to be everything i wanted to be in university. when i got to ryerson, my life was akin to a dream. i had met tons of new, amazing, hilarious, and intelligent like minded people who i consider my dearest friends, and strolled through the brightly lit streets of toronto with a beaming grin that rivalled the neon lights. for my entire first semester, i felt whole – happier than i had been in years. when i returned for my second semester, for some reason, my brain decided to torment me with visualizations of my past, my insecurities, and my most painful memories and moments. this bout of depression, which lasted for two months, nearly straight – was easily the worst i had ever experienced, mostly because there was nothing in my life at the time directly causing it. my depression, anger, and manic episodes were drawn out from my past and purely my past, and i ripped out my hair trying to figure out why, when my life was everything i wanted it to be, was it falling apart at the seams due to my weak mentality and fragile state? i checked into crisis counselling, meaning i was put on watch by the university in case i would hurt myself or the others around me. the therapy helped a bit, but i still found myself late at night covering my mouth to conceal the cries i choked out from my roommate and my floor. i went home and tried to explain to my parents what was wrong, but i didn’t have an explanation – nothing was inherently wrong, but nothing felt right. i have since battled similar episodes through the summer of 2017, and the late winter and early spring that has just passed. both occasions, i suffered silently. in late 2017, i bit the bullet and went to see a psychiatrist. after a lengthy discussion, she theorized that i was on the bipolar spectrum, looking like a diagnosis for bipolar II. she told me to track my mood for a month and come back – but i never did. initially believing the diagnosis would help me, i ended up being too afraid to follow through, as i am terrified of taking medication for a problem i shouldn’t even fucking have. i told myself to be silent and work through it – to immerse myself in achieving my goals of a 4.0 gpa and thinner waistline. i have no reason to be manic or depressive – i have everything i could ever want. if this letter is ever posted, it means that i finally gave up on the facade i have portrayed to everyone these last two years – the highly studious girl who was always smiling, striving, cracking jokes, and obtaining a level of selflessness to those around me – and wanted to actually display who i am. i am not an angel, i am not perfect, and as much as admitting that kills me inside, it is the truth. i am the same amanda i was two years ago when i graduated high school, who exhaled uncertainty and inhaled doubt; i am the same amanda at sixteen who latched onto an abusive, sick man begging for someone to fix me; and i am the same amanda eight years ago who cried in the field of her elementary school at recess wondering why none of my classmates liked me. and even though i am still the same girl i was in my past, i cannot deny the progress i have made in addressing my mental illness. one of my friends made an observation about me the other day while we ate dinner; he stated “you try to be so much; a badass who is sweet, an idiot who is smart, and someone who doesn’t care but actually cares too much”. this small, probably mindless observation from my humorous, caring friend, made me realize that i can be everything at once. i can be sad, but still be successful. i can be hurt by the things that were done to me in my past, but still be gracious for what i have in my present. i can be angry and lash out at those who have wronged me, while also forgiving them in the process. i can be studious and witty and smart while also making the idiotic decision of getting drunk and sobbing in a bathroom at 12am. i can be amanda from the past, while also being amanda from the present. i can have a mental illness and survive. i am not writing this to help anyone, because i still don’t really know how to help myself. i am not writing this for praise, or attention, or pity. i am writing this because i am sick of being someone who is ashamed of her mental illness. i am sick of pretending everything is perfect when it is anything but. i still have a ton of progress to make. i need to go back to therapy, and i need to look at my options for treating my mental illness, whether it’s depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or all of them (or none). i need to hold myself accountable so i don’t end up hurting myself and the directly hurting the people i love. i need to get better. whether posting an online confessional to thousands of people is the first step, i don’t know. but it does make me feel better to get all of this off my chest.

[exo-yeol]

Ask Game!

I was tagged by the beautiful @baekscrazylady cause she knows just how bored I truly am! Also! Fun fact! I was half way through this and my laptop crashed so that was fun!:))))))))))))))))))))

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Closed! 

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

Nope! ...I do have one on each hand but I don’t think that counts! :P 

(3) Can You Whistle?

Yes! In and out! (oml that sounds so weird!)

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

Super Junior D&E - I Love It!

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

PINK! I FREAKING LOVE PINK!

(6) Relationship Status.

Sexy, Free and Single! I’m ready to bingo! ;P ....jk bout the bingo part!

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

18° C

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Yes! I was woken up at an ungodly hour by by little brother. Not. Fun.

(9) How Many Followers?

I have no clue! I never think of checking that for tumblr! But really not that many! 

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Scorpio!

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

Blue!

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

Oh god, too many! 

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

YES! What is that point in showering if you don’t make use of the amazing acoustics?? 

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

Uhhmm again, too many! The most recent one I read some of was Carrie Hope Fletcher’s The Other Side

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

You Can Heal Your Life - Louise L. Hay “you are developing insight and understanding that will set you free.”

(16) Favourite Anime?

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!! Brotherhood or the original anime idagf! They are both SO GOOD! And the characters are my everything! I would die for them! Can I marry Ed? Can I marry Mustang? Can I be best friends with Winry?? Can I do alchemy pls? And the storyline is so interesting and complex and the characters are really well rounded and the back stories oomf I fucking love it soooo much! I’m gonna copy @baekscrazylady and put in a gif here because I miss looking at their faces! 

AAAAH! How fucking COOL is Ed? I love them so much!

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

Does myself count? Yesterday I cried in front of the mirror! But if it has to be another person then my mother! 

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

Teddies, Tamagotchis, Kpop albums/merch, books, EMOTIONAL WOUNDS! 

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

Chicken Caesar Salad Wrap!

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

Uhm I guess? Its not something I get a chance to do often but if the opportunity presents itself then sure! But also I hate being a distraction to the driver so like keep it on the minimum peeps!

(21) Favourite Animal?

WOLVES AND FOXES AND CANINES IN GENERAL! My room and house in general is covered in some variation of canine! Including two living ones (soon to be three!) 

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

Yas! Track, Badminton, Trampolining and Diving are my faves!

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

Lately somewhere between 11 and 12! 

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

Yes! I’m wearing bright pink eyeshadow and bright pink lipstick!

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

I don’t really have a preference cause I can’t really swim, but I like to mess around and play in both! 

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

@baekscrazylady is always a winner for all your multifandom needs! Plus shes my bestie! But thats just a bonus :P 

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

Bottled tastes nicer but I have no problems drinking from the tap! 

(28) What Makes You Happy?

I’m not sure any more! :/

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

I’m sleepy! I think I’m gonna finish this in the morning! 

...

Okay! I’m back after 7 hours of sleep! 

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

Without!

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Dogs! I’m not too fond of cats and I think my dogs would have a problem if I brought one home!

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

PINK!

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

PlayStation! I’ve spent a lifetime playing Crash Bandicoot on the PS1 and my loyalties run deep!

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

The Ocean! I just feel like theres bound to be monsters in a lake!

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

Of course! <3

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

Yellow! But last night when I started this I was wearing a green vest!

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

I surely can!

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

Both!

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Plenty! Teddies, books, a suitcase, kpop albums, my bedsheet is pink!

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

Well K-pop is an ongoing obsession! But recently something specific I’ve been OBSESSED with is Seungri’s 123! THIS IS THE BEST SONG! I have to listen to it everyday or I can’t function! Its soooo good! And the MV is really fun and theres cute lil bloopers at the end! I love it!! 

Hehe! Look at him go!! 

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

Yes! My brother actually attracts them! They land on him all the time! Its kinda cute kinda freaky!

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

I think it depends on the person and the thing I’m being influenced about, but I’m quite a stubborn/headstrong person so I would say that I lean more towards no...but still a lil bit yes!

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Uhm yes, a lot! 

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

I’m not scared of flying and I don’t mind it, but its not my favourite thing!

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

The Green Mile, this movie broke me and now I actually cannot watch sad movies...also two days ago I cried at The Breakup so woo go me for being a mess!

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Sunflower seeds! I could eat a whole bag!

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

EXO! In all their OT9 glory!!! I need this to happen so that I can die happy! ...I would say BTS as well since they’re my ults too but I ALREADY HAVE TICKETS TO SEE THEM!!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! MY ARMY HEART IS DYING! 

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

Not really! I have a list of stuff I don’t eat but I’ll eat it if its put in front of me cause I have to set a good example for my little brothers!

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

I sleep like a corpse.

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

Nope! I love it! My whole family are those freaks who’ll stupidly run to the window or outside and be like “waaaahhh!”

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

Yes! I do both everyday! 

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

I’M SORRY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!! MY MUSIC IS TOO LOUD!!

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Wrap presents! Bitch I’m a PRO! 

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Hyuna - Run & Run (MY QUEEN!)

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Autumn months wise, but we’re still getting Summer weather!

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

More sleep!

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

Nah...not arsed, but the post I last saw was a gifset of Mark and JB being stoopid!

(58) What Is Your Gender?

Female

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

Tea! 

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

No! Its the Summer holidays! 

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Mainly straight, but aren’t we all a little gay? I’m about 70/30! Or maybe even 60/40!

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

Most days, but my bed is really annoying to make and takes a good ten mins so sometimes I don’t do it till like 5 o’clock in the day when I want to sit on it!

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

Eevee! Ninetails! All water Pokemon! Pikachu! Togapee! 

(64) Favourite Social Media?

I don’t know! I get bored of them quickly and hop around! RN I’d say instagram maybe?

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

I love watching them!

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

Yep! I think everyone does a little or at times! But I’ve never been like actual homesick where you get sick and everything!

(67) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Tea-tree shampoo and a conditioner thats specifically for curly hair but I can’t remember the name! 

(68) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Motel! I know that they’re haunted and I’m gonna be stabbed in the shower but listen, I am not sleeping in a fricking car, ESPECIALLY not on my own!!

(69) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Yes, unfortunately! ,,,jk about the unfortunately...or am I? :P 

(70)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

I’m going to see the Teen Titans Movie! CAN’T WAIT!! I watched the show all the time when I was a kid! Also I really want to see Wreck-It Ralph 2 and so many others!

(71) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

I don’t have a favourite quote atm! Sorry!

(72) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

People? Find? Specific? Eye? Colours? Sexy?

(73) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

YEs and YEs! I would be that kid swinging far too high and then jumping off! Me and my friend used to challenge each other to do specific poses and stuff while we were jumping off or when we’d land!

(74) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

A chicken goujon!

(75) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

I have one rhythm game, and a few language games!  

(76) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

I don’t think so because I’m not that confident in my CPR giving skills so I’d probably ask someone else to help! But if worst comes to worst then I probably would!

(77) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

Today? No! In my life? Yes!

(78) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

All the time!

(79) Do You Like Meeting New People?

Yes! 

(80) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

Every now and then! But I just woke up so I haven’t put any on today!

(81) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed! But if I’m sharing with my brothers then I can sleep with them open! 

(82) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

I peed, I reset my password on a website and I’ve listened to Seungri’s 123!

(83) What Do You Wear To Bed?

Big tshirts or night dresses! And in the Winter I wear matching pjs!

(84) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

Like including makeup? Or just skincare? I use too much makeup to list! And for skincare everything I use has some sort of coconut oil in it!

(85) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Both!

(86) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

Nah!

(87) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

Hmmmmmmmmm which to choose! I recently had a dream about 2 weeks ago where I was in a bar and Chanyeol and Sehun were having a dance off while I was singing karaoke and I kept getting angry at them for distracting me! And Seungcheol, who was my boyfriend in this particular dream universe, was chasing his manager around with a pair of false eyelashes trying to put them on him!  

(88) Favourite Soda Drink?

Mainstream: Nothing better than an ice cold coke! Don’t @ me! 

Hippie dippy: Elderflower!

(89) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

Rain, my Gran calling my name, chuckling, little children/babies laughing, my Grandpa singing, Chanyeol singing, waves ( i always fall asleep to waves!), idk so many others its too early and my brain is mush rn!

(90) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats

I wear both quite equally!

(91) How Do You Look Right Now?

I just woke up and I have mascara under my eyes, honestly I think I still look asleep!

(92) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Washing my face! I feel so calm and pampered! Its the simple things :P

(93) What Tattoo Do You Want?

TOO MANY!!! I want a Golden Snitch, and a fairy and a flower and so many! I can’t wait to start getting tattooed!

(94) Favourite YouTuber?

Rn Shane Dawson is my number one, but I do love Jenna Marbles, Dan and Phil, Safiya Nygaard, Grav3yardgirl, Jamie Jo and then a hand full of beauty gurus that I semi-keep up with!

(95) Do you smoke?

No. Its really gross and reminds me of my Dad. No thank you.

(96) How tall are you?

5′ 2″!! Or maybe 5′ 3″! I’m 160cm! 

(97) What career did you want as a child

A singer! I still lowkey do! But thats a very squashed dream at this point! I also wanted to be an actress! Honestly I just wanted to make people happy and entertain them! And when I was a child I was always the center of attention because my mam had me when she was waaay young and no one else her age had a child so I guess from an early age I’ve just loved watching people laugh or be happy because of me! Thats probably why I’m attracted to film and have a YouTube channel cause I want people to have fun while enjoying the things that I create or am a part of! I hope this doesn’t sound conceited oml! 

(98) Do you care about your weight?

Yes! But I don’t know what I weigh tho cause my mam doesn’t believe in weighing scales, and shes right! But I am conscious of my weight! ...most times I’m self conscious of it lol! 

(99) Ever kissed a stranger?

Yes! Many a time! 

(100) Favorite season?

I don’t think I have a favourite season! Now that I’m older I can appreciate each season as it comes and I have certain things that I love about each! Rn I can’t wait to start wearing cute sweaters and boots again, but at the end of Spring I was dying for shorts and vests! 

Woo! I’m finished! Now I’m going back to sleep for a quick nap! And then off to the cinema! YAY!