#i cant remember which tag i used. i have a tagging system for this stuff.

[the1312daysofchristmas]

genuine question: what’s your opinion on the lyricism in sm(f)s? for the record im a huge post-hiatus fan and mania is my favourite fob album ever so this isnt me trying to bash “”new fob””, but honestly though the new album has a lot of strengths i find a lot of the lyrics kind of…boring? basic? with some exceptions they’re more straightforward, and i feel like they lack the artistry of any of the previous albums. i’m not sure if im missing something about the style of the album, i dont know if im missing something, but i like your lyric analyses and so i wanted your thoughts on the matter

i think what youre noticing isnt necessarily a lack of artistry, because i think theres a lot of genuinely good lines ('love is in the air, i just gotta figure out a window to break out' and 'i would never ask you of anything except to dream sweet of me' are two examples of very good lines) what youre noticing is the same thing i did, and thats nihilism. for me personally i understand that thats the theme of the album, but it takes some getting used to! like usually fall out boy lyrics arent THIS bleak, and it seems like kind of a shallow parody when you dont take into account the whole (this is the theme of the album, nihilism and living with it, life is meaningless with the implication that living it gives it meaning). i cant speak for you, but the thing thats tripping me up is that there is no upside on this album. like a lot of fob lyrics are self deprecating and negative but theyre like, about a person, so theres a reprieve. we can be like this is about a relationship or a person or a feeling. this album and subsequently the lyrics are about The State Of Things. its interesting, there isnt a lot of self deprecation on this one either. it really is looking outward, which also might be tripping you and i up a bit.

its kinda like when we all first heard hard times by paramore and people (myself included) were like this sounds like hayley williams just wrote down stereotypical emo lyrics and then you heard the entire album and its like OH. its the theme. its like that but with every song. individually its like oh these are just stereotypical emo lyrics. but altogether its like ohhh. the theme.

my ultimate verdict on the lyrics is that these are some of petes best, theyre just different than what he normally does. i like them a lot, there are some great lines to chew on ('im in a winter mood dreaming of spring now' really summarises the album well, it is the cold and hard and lean times, i am yearning for a new beginning. and i like the parallel between 'ache it til you make it' and 'the kind of pain you feel to get good in the end' both of those really encapsulate the motif of living through the senselessness) (also 'ive been going through it and ive been putting your name to it. sorry im just talking about the title track oops) its got a lot of art to it! its just a little pessimistic. or nihilistic, to be precise.

[pancakeke]

I wrote a bunch of paragraphs about nothing in particular again so here it is under a readmore so it doesn't take up space.

like 8 years ago when people used tumblr more via desktop browser than its app, I put a 3rd party metric tracker in my desktop theme that logged how people were referred to my blog. it also captured what pages of my blog people viewed.

at one point during this time I reblogged a piece of pixel art from a japanese artist. they came to my blog through their activity page, and then searched my blog in a couple different ways for the terms "ドット" and "ドット絵" ("dot" and "dot art", as in pixel art). I checked those search urls myself to see if they found anything but there were no results because I never used those terms or specifically tagged pixel art in any other way.

ever since then I've made an effort to tag all pixel art I reblog with the term "pixel art". that artist was probably hoping to find more art to check out and it bums me out that my tagging system wasn't thorough enough to help.

this is why I have my current specific tag system lol. it keeps evolving but having the ability to find stuff you're into without jumping through hoops is really handy. (the site-wide post and tag searches return sooo much bullshit. it's a slog sifting through thr noise whenever I use those to fill my queue due to the sheer amount of manga caps, polls, liveblogs, personal posts, and fics posted without readmores...)

if only the way to view all tags you've ever used still worked. I think it caps at 500 or 1000 now and is also chronological so the first 500 or whatever tags you ever used show up in the list. then there's a hard stop and it does not update as you delete posts or use that mass tag editor to remove certain tags for your blog entirely.

I went through my used tag list earlier this year to unify certain tags and remove tags that I stopped using in favor for other ones, but I only got like 400 tagged terms down the list. maybe downloading my blog data would show more. the trick I mentioned uses your desktop blog's archive page. the tags are in its code so you can use "inspect element" to view it. I remember scrolling a lot to load a bunch of posts on the page but cant remember if this was required or I just did it to see if I could access more tags.

it's formatted all fucked and hard to manage but you can copy and paste the long chunk of tags into one cell of a spreadsheet and then use Data options to split them into columns by commas (or whatever punctuation separates them, I forget). a wide list is a huge pain to view so from there you can click on a cell containing data, click ctrl+a to highlight all data in thr row, copy, then paste special as "transposed" to turn the copied row 90° so it pastes as a column. the spreadsheet will wide as fuck from the hundreds of columns so honestly its easier to paste the transposed data into a new tab and delete the original vs clicking in the column to the left of your transposed data and then pressing ctrl+ shift+right arrow to select all rows to the right, then deleting the extra rows.

if you're in Excel you may have to use the "delete rows" option from the "home" tab and then save the sheet using "file > save" (do NOT save via the save button on the upper left corner or ctrl+s). this returns the sheet to a manageable size for scrolling (plus reduces its file size). this piece of shit software usually retains the sheet width/length even after you delete hundreds of columns/rows unless you use this trick of deleting specifically via home tab + saving specifically through the save menu.

I got a round number of tags when I did this which makes me think there's a cutoff.

[davepetea]

((just ranting abt writing fanfics you can ignore me lmao. I'm just in a weird place atm but I'm feeling kinda passionate abt writing rn so I'm gonna vent

originally I wrote a lil of this in the tags but then decided to just chuck it under a readmore so people aren't subjected to it against their will. then it got really long.

I'm not actually expecting anyone to read this im just sorta venting to myself. it helps me get my thoughts sorted if I write them down. I can also look back through my #.vat file tag in a few years from now and hopefully be like "wow I'm doing so much better than THAT now", so if that's the case, hi future Vatta! I hope you're having a good day. and if you're not future me, then I still hope you're having a good day, I love you, and this is your chance to turn back bc my rants are boring and LONG

(not turning back yet? ok. your funeral)

so, I haven't been online much bc I've just been in a weird limbo lately and I'm really busy when I'm at home either sorting stuff out or, with my PDA, doing anything I can to avoid my responsibilities lmao

I've been rereading my Tokyo ghoul light novels (I only have Void and Days ? I think they're called), rewatching Zankyou no Terror, and Bungou Stray Dogs (plus the live action Beast film which was? hilarious but I don't think it was supposed to be), and just suffering lmao

(you're still here? wow. you need a hobby. jk. ily)

I've been locked out of the systems at work for a bit, but I still need to be there and wait for the IT ticket to be sorted, so I've gotta be at my desk, cant have my phone or anything, so instead of sitting there doing nothing, I've either been reading, doing codeword puzzles, or I've been writing up 'drafts' for potential fanfics.

in this year of our sufferer 2024. I've been writing up some self indulgent homestuck college AU lmao. I've written over 60 sides of a5, (not inc the inbetween sections where I wrote some stuff on the chromebook at home) some notes, some accidental first draft, bc I wanted something to take up the time. but my handwriting is terrible, I don't write fast enough for my brain, I have a lil dyslexia so the letters and words get jumbled sometimes, and I have this weird thing where I don't do spaces right. but I've been trying to upload it to Google docs with Bixby's photo text extraction. it's pretty good considering how bad my writing is, then I just need to go through and touch it up, the main issues are things like names, there's some letters I do weird like my v turns into an r, or every p it thinks is a capital, but overall. amazing how technology do that.

(see my long ass rambling isn't just confined to venting. I also pretend to write actual things. you can still leave you know. I'm not holding you hostage until you read all this. you have free will)

can't remember how I ended up back in fanfic hell but I read back through like all my old published fics (aside from the cringe ones I orphaned) and the writing isn't terrible. I don't think I actually finished any of them though, which really shows my true nature lmao,,, but I've picked up a few things on my writing style now. and I've got a few things I see other people do that I wanna avoid bc I personally don't like it, and it's mostly about balance, like using names too often/not enough, being too descriptive like All The Time and making the writing really nice, but not much happens in the story so you take like an hour to read each scene, vs not enough description so everything is happening but you don't really get a visual or a breather to appreciate what's happened so far. I've been working on finding my right balance, which is imo easier if you're writing fanfic bc first up you hardly ever have to describe the characters. if someone's reading it they already know who they are. and for scenes you can take some inspo from the source material. does the original work put alot of effort into setting a cool scene? if not, then you don't have to either! if it's 90% scenery then you've gotta do it too I don't make the rules

I'm losing steam now I'm so sleepy and I've gotta go to work in a bit ugh.

(bet you're sleepy reading this too huh. told you it'd be boring)

I've been thinking about trying out writing some BSD fics but on an anonym not linked to my main Ao3, bc the themes are doozys and I kinda just wanna have the freedom of anonymity. also I'm a baby and if someone publicly criticises my stuff without it being a requested critique then it makes me bleh (I've had a few comments in the past of just general negatives, not even constructive feedback, not that I asked for any anyway...), but the abilities are tricky to write for, so it's effort lol

anyway I'm gonna stop now ive gotta get ready for work

(if you actually read this then thanks for going on this emotion deep dive with me. tune in next week when we'll get back to my usual mental breakdown)

[mental-health-advice]

Alr, idk how we will solve the tag issue yet as we are very many alters so separate accs may not work but at least I can bring this up now knowing I didnt before!

--- Warning for talk ab delusions, kidnapping, Family abuse and stuff like that ---

Basically we did get emotionally, psychologically and probably more abused and in childhood before we even understood it was abuse we sometimes would think "well that cant be MY parent" bc of it. At age 8(?) We found out our dad isn't our biological dad.

After that I know we repeatedly thought we must have been switched at birth, kidnapped at birth or something else bc no way in hell could we be related to our mother. This went as far as us episodically actually being full on believing that she isnt our mother and often we were tempted to look through documents or go to the hospital we were born at to ask.

Note that our youngest half sister literally looks like a carbon copy of the body at her age. Like we literally have evidence we a re e related but we still keep believing she must have taken us.

The past days it was bad again, as I'm typing this I'm more in reality again but it's scary to think that any morning I could wake up believing that our mother is a kidnapper or that we were switched at birth or that none of our family actually are our family etc

I tried looking into it eatlier.

Most I found was new mothers suffering from delusions ab their babies being switched at birth and people having delusions that their families got replaced by clones (which,, I probably should have waited to read when I was more fully grounded rather than still half gone bc that makes me uncertain ab our abusive younger brother bc he cant have become that bad for jo reason etc)

Idk how to bring this up to our psychiatrist and therapist without them starting to think the entire system is just a delusion or hallucination as well :(

-- Crepe (☆)

Hey there,

This sounds to be a really scary predicament to be in. I guess in the situations that you feel as though you have been kidnapped or swapped at birth, just try to reassure yourself that these are just feelings and not necessarily the truth. Try to ground yourself, focus on your breathing and surroundings, remind yourself that you are in the here and now.

I am so sorry that you have been through so much abuse in your life and from such an early age as well. I want you to know though that sometimes remembering these abuse episodes or situations I guess you could call them, can be a good thing and especially if you are remembering them bit by bit and not all at once. The reason I am saying this is because remembering things slowly can allow you to slowly heal from this past abuse with your psychiatrist and therapist. This will take time though and a lot of hard work and working through abuse may bring other things up as well, but keep in close contact and update your psychiatrist and therapist on a regular basis and I know you can work through this at all your own paces. Of course though, it may be too soon to work on any abuse issues so please do talk to your psychiatrist and therapist first before starting anything!

Abuse can affect people differently and sometimes abuse can even run in families. For example, my Dad’s Dad (I cannot refer to him as anything more due to abuse I suffered from him) was sexually and emotionally abusive and the emotional abusiveness went down to my own Dad and his brother. This is not to say that abuse runs in everyone’s family but it is possible. So I guess what I am trying to say that maybe your younger brother was also abused or the abusive side of things or what he saw happen to you made him think it was OK to abuse others in that same way. Just something to think about!

Back to the delusions now though and how you could bring this up with your therapy team! I think that what you wrote was really well said and so maybe writing something similar in a letter maybe helpful to share with them? It will help for them to better understand where you currently are and how best they can help you all right now with knowing that important information. Would you feel comfortable writing something down? If not, then just try to explain things as you have done on here. It’s OK to feel how you are, being confused or delusional at times. None of this is your fault, and none of this means that your entire system is just a delusion or hallucination and I think your psychiatrist and therapist will know that just from knowing you and your history and especially if you have been seeing them for a while. The horrible thing about DID is that sometimes things come up in pieces that don’t quite make complete sense, this is normal. So please don’t worry!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help support you guys in any other way!

I’m thinking of you all and hope you are all going as best as you can be!

Take care,

Lauren  

[iworshipsappho]

referring to your tags on the tamil poetry post

the thing about cramming taking the fun and beauty out of languages is SO fucking real and i hate it sm (thanks indian education <3).

this reminds me of sanskrit when i learnt it in school bc at one point i started to hate in it 10th standard bc ONLY the marks mattered (plus the teacher who took out tuition at home was a bhakt who said the most inane and genocidal shit about muslim folks but that's another story)

and fuck...tamil sounds difficult to learn sdkhksdf. reminds me so much of malayalam with its koot-aksharam which are so difficult to figure out lol. according to my mom, malayalam grammar is hella difficult too so...yay

anyway power to tamil poets aksjhksd with all those strict grammar rules like wtf. thinking of shakespeare on the other hand who did whatever the fuck he wanted to do

(also psst psst gimme some good tamil poem recs na...i will try and search for its translations)

asdhsfhsk yeah the indian education system is so fucked in several aspects :') and yeah shitty teachers just ruin everything (the entitlement some of them have-)

tamil used to be so easy to learn back in like 1st-3rd grade bc as a mother tongue it was just very simple as we werent expected to actually write in like very proper tamil and the lessons were simple enuf. shit went bad in 4th grade and its been downhill ever since. the lessons are fun when u learn them but even then the teachers need to be like nice and interactive or you'll just fall asleep during class (which has unfortunately happened more than once this year for me)

and like when our teacher was talking about the yaapu illakkanam (grammar for poetry) i remember the whole class just groaning bc the only thing we were thinking was "if its so difficult why do we still have so many poems to study😭😭" i truly do not understand how thiruvalluvar, bhaarathiyar, avvaiyar and so much more wrote so many works- like ?????! honestly speaking english writer's have so much creative freedom and like they do smth that "breaks" the rules of grammar? boom genius who goes beyond what is accepted and is considered one of the greatest ever ashdsjfkgh

and for the poem recs hmm- i mean we have the staple thirukkural and avvaiyaar's athichoodi. the latter was one of the first ever set of poems we were taught when our languages started, its pretty simple to understand and like the starting letter of each line is in the order of the uyirezhuthukkal. and we have like 20 thirukkurals to learn each year so- (i have to learn and memorise ten and their meanings for just tmrw's exam :'])

but the poem i was talking about in post was இளைய தோழனுக்கு by மு.மேத்தா... and honestly that is one of the very few poems, like i said, that i actually enjoy fdhfjshgk

and sorry to disappoint, but even tho i have been studying and speaking in tamil for as long as i can remember, i cant remember any of the good poems ive read/learned 😭😭 my mind is just like blank except for the stuff ive studied for tmrw :')))

(will definitely let you know if i remember or come across smth nice, maybe that will help me actually develop an interest in the language...)

[skaldish]

hey i cant remember your DID blog, im sorry, idm if you answer over there if you tag me.

to start with, i have professionally diagnosed DID and have been dx'd 3 separate times, and i have something i guess i want validation for?

since i was itty bitty i was reading greek mythology, like children's versions (i could read very early - "gifted" kid) at 3-5 and it has always very much been a huge running theme in my life, well i have a lot of religious greek alters.

it makes sense that.. reading about these figures, watching movies like disneys Hercules and stuff especially while experiencing consistent trauma that i would develop these alters with my brain viewing them as powerful and comforting?

and as an adult i have developed a bit of spirituality with them, a deeply, deeply personal relationship and devotion to deific alters formed to protect and care for me

i recently had a whole issue with a friend who told me my perception of the gods were "wrong" and that they could communicate with them for me. that the gods could only visit one person at a time. and it fucked me up so bad even though i knew they were wrong. they traumatized my whole system

because the things i communicate with aren't just the gods, they dont even claim to be the real gods nor speak for them, just "real to the andromeda system". no one can communicate with my version of them because they are *alters* and my perception is based in trauma and my needs at the time of formation

i feel fakey and i generally avoid even mentioning the religious alters to therapists because i dont want to come across as attention seeking. my experience is valid right?

in terms of clarsenses.. maybe thats a part of it too? idk but these guys are inherently different from say. the spirit of the trees. idk its complicated, they can front and care for me and have a place in my headspace. i notice i get some gifts like i asked hermes to help us get the car we wanted since ours is breaking, and we're getting an even better version. i dont understand fully, i just know my experience is different and deeply personal and relevant to my trauma and DID.

last thing; i do have other alters unrelated to the greek pantheon that interact with them in the headspace. ones that are more "normal" i guess like child alters and trauma holders/persecuters and regular protectors (many of the greek ones are protecters/caregivers/managers. a small few hold trauma - like Hera holds the trauma i witnessed my mom go thru and she is a caregiver. some front. some are internal.) i guess im seeking an explanation from someone in a similar position? in terms of being spiritual with a dissociative disorder. especially considering i do feel like i receive gifts from them in the real world im just confused about myself and experiences which feel incredibly complex. it feels like my experiences go hand in hand with each other!

I'll say what I always say in these situations:

It's not a question of "valid" or "invalid," it's a question of what something is. Our feelings are always valid, but that has nothing to do with whether we're accurately interpreting them or not. Discernment is what's important, and as frustrating as it is, no one can really do that work other than you.

I can't even offer much in the way of perspective, to be honest. Despite the fact you and I are in similar positions, my experiences with dissociation and clairsenses are totally different. None of my alters take the form of deities, for one thing, but I've also never had trouble differentiating my alters from deities.

My advice would be to just give it time. Spiritual exploration is full of heavy lifting, and it's something we just work our way through over the course of time.

(Also my brain blog is @prefrontal-bastard, if you ever have questions in the future.)

[bonny-kookoo]

Ready Player 01 | JJK x Reader | 🔞❤️☁️

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Genre: dystopia!AU, former Game developer!Jk, former pro gamer!JK, former IT specialist!Reader, former programmer!Reader, romance, Smut, slight cyberpunk elements

Warnings/tags: injustice, forcefully controlled public, violence (police/government officials against citizens), unfair powerplay, interrogation, tech talk, Jungkook be antisocial as FUCK but so is the reader lmao wbk, fear of physical contact (Haphephobia), past trauma and mentions of a bad childhood, insomnia, crime, smut because yes it’s me hello my content isn't kiddy-proof in the first place what yall want from me I'm not sure, but that’s waaY at the end ya know, friends to lovers, a slightly sassy AI but we love her, reader struggles with emotions, I mean same tbh, they're both so sweet tho I cant, not proofread because let me live

Summary: there’s a war going on; silent, but it’s there. Media has been strictly become controlled and regulated- to the point of making it illegal to own a TV or phone with internet access without a valid license. But there’s always some people that will try to break free from the controlling force.

"-a new age. This is a new year. And remember; we're doing this for the greater good. Until tomorrow." The news reporter stops talking after she somberly looks somewhere behind the camera that is pointed at her.

Your room is dark- the TV brightness on it's lowest setting so you can see what's going on- but outside, no one can see the light shining in your tiny apartment. Investing in blackout curtains had really paid off at the end of the day.

You don't want to get caught.

There's an announcement van driving past your window; the tiny slits in your curtains where the light from outside can creep its way inside brightening a bit as the headlights pass your windows. Something is spoken, and by now everyone knows the routine speech.

"Electricity will be shut down in five minutes. We advice to save all progress immediately- and we wish a good nights rest. Electricity will be shut down in five minutes..-" It repeats, over and over, counting down the minutes. You slowly move into your kitchen, opening one of the loose floor tiles to turn on your own emergency electricity system. With well practiced movements you close the tile again, moving the rug over it as you walk back into your living room, swiftly sliding the TV behind your wardrobe to make it disappear. As if on cue; there's a knock at your door.

The same as always. Routine. Two times, loud and clear. You don't even have to look through the peephole to know what awaits behind it.

"Yes?" You ask, rubbing your eyes as if you had been already asleep. The officer behind the door nods at you shortly, a mild smile on his face as he looks down at you.

"We didn't mean to wake you miss. Just routine, as usual." He says, peeking into your apartment to look for any electronics still running. It's pitch black however- so he simply nods, as his colleague notes something into his tablet. "We wish a good nights rest miss. Again, sorry for intruding." He apologizes, and you nod, closing the door.

Only when the street lights turn dark, do you move from your bed.

"Creator." The AI voice chimes up, her voice greeting you as as you lift the tile on the floor again- your phone connecting to the AI to show information you instantly decode and note down inside your head. "Player01 has just connected." The voice states, and you sit down on your cold kitchen flooring, smiling a little. "He has sent a message. Would you like me to play it?" The voice asks, and you take a deep breath.

"Yes." You say, and there's a small sound indicating the start of the voice message. A male voice is head.

"Hey, whats up?" He asks, and you can hear something in the background- maybe an empty can or something similar. "I uh.. I'm on my way. Should I bring anything? Ah wait, I know the answer to that.." He says, chuckling at the end of his sentence, and you can hear him zip up his jacket as he moves around. "Yeah uh.. just text or something, I'll bring stuff over. Can't have you starve." He ends, and the AI speaks up again.

"Would you like to repeat the message?" She asks, and you shake your head at her; a signal the artificial intelligence has come to detect quite well. "Should I archive it?" She questions again, and this time, you nod- something your invisible assistant can pick up due to motion sensoring.

"Send him a message." You say. "Tell him: I only need you. Get yourself here in one piece and I'm happy. And I'm very capable of taking care of myself." You state, and your phone shows a small loading message- indicating that the voice is doing as you said. It chimes up after a moment. "Thanks Kana." You say.

"No problem creator. Would you like for me to run through the databases now?" She asks, and you nod, a smile on your face. "Database search in progress. Estimated time: sixteen minutes and eighteen seconds." You huff out a breath as you look at the tiny display on your arm; tiny, yet powerful as it's your way of keeping Kana- your AI assistent- close at all times. Tonight, there would seem to be a lot to dig through.

They really added a lot of content these days.

It's not the door that makes you notice that there's a visitor after a while- He never uses it anyways for some reason. You're sitting on your kitchen floor with a small cup of tea in your hands- kept hot inside a slightly beaten-looking thermos can since you can't use to water boiler at night. Using anything other than Kana would cause a spike the police would be sure to notice; and you're not ready to get caught yet.

Not tonight.

It's a boy who, after a moment, opens the unclosed kitchen window to climb in; his combat boots getting a little snow and dirt from the outside into your apartment as his 80's looking jacket makes distinctive noises as it brushes against the sides of your window. His blonde hair has grown out a bit these days you notice- the roots clearly showing. It's a little wet and slightly curly from the moisture. It must be snowing outside- or maybe it had. You couldn't know for sure.

You never left your apartment.

He closes the window after slipping on the tiles inside a little, the plastic bags noisy as he almost drops them- sheepishly taking off his boots as he smiles at you. His socks are different from one another- but that's another thing so distinctive and just so.. him. He's his own person, always has been; it's what brought you two together, after all. You both stood out against the 'regular public' these days; with his brightly almost white-bleached hair he was like an albino in a sea of crows.

But you knew he didn't need that to stand out to you.

You can still remember the first few times the boy in front of you has visited you; the times where he had just dyed his hair to rebel out, or when he pierced your ears in exchange for you to do it to him as well. It was like you had made a blood pact in your kitchen that night- you had somehow gotten closer, formed a little more than just a simple companionship in order to riot against the law. He began growing close. Gave you a nickname. Began calling you his player 2. Began calling you his 'ace'. He had explained that he thought of it from memories of his gaming days; the two fighting teams always called red and blue, and one of his favorite weapons having that nickname- simply because it always 'saved his ass last minute'. He had rambled on about his last tournament after that, eyes sparkling and cheeks round from cold noodles.

You had become friends.

"hey." He says after sitting close across from you on the cold floor; the opened tile and Kana's core exposed to you two, the only source of light apart from your bracelet. The colorful LED's paint marks on his face and illuminate his features to you; but it does the same to you from his point of view. It's a familiar sight. "How are you?" He asks, almost shyly, but you know that's not what's bothering him.

"Hey Jungkook." You simply say with the hint of a smile, as you answer him. "Haven't slept well these days but, what's new I guess." You chuckle, and Jungkook smiles too- though a glimpse of concern is still shown your way. He knows however that forcing you to sleep won't do much good- your insomnia was too bad to really conquer it in a day or two just by taking naps.

And also; who was he to talk about solving personal issues.

"Have you seen the most recent reports?" You ask him, and the boy somberly shakes his head.

"I was unable to." He states. "They were patrolling close to my apartment complex because there had been someone reporting a Glitcher today." A 'glitcher'- a slang word now commonly used for people like Jungkook and you. People who went against the nightly routines, people who tried to trick the system by using electricity at night, owning media, consuming it, or dealing with it. It somehow became worse than underground drugs. "They pulled him out at around twelve or so- but they seemed too on edge the entire day, so I didn't risk it." He says, and you nod. Jungkook had always been a very good person when it came to calculating risk versus reward. He was good at reading people too- even though he didn't interact much, he got out of his apartment a lot more than you did. "Anything important?" He asks, and you shrug.

"There was a report that China and Japan were still on edge- with the chinese government arguing that they would soon start with 'more drastic measures to get things under proper control', whatever that means." You say, and Jungkooks brows furrow as he starts to pick on the skin of his jaw. "Let's just hope the flood doesn't throw us under the sea as well if it escalates I guess.." You say, and the boy across from you nods.

"Creator." Kana's voice chimes up, making Jungkook look up before remembering that the only source would be your bracelet, which you look at as well. "My scan of your body shows that you have not consumed a sufficient amount of calories today. I recommend a meal in the next five to eight minutes to avoid malnutrition." She says, and you groan. "I take this as a form of verbal communication. Running data search..." She says, as Jungkook looks at you; thoroughly amused by the teasing banter between the AI and his friend. "My data search concludes that you are annoyed, creator. I have only stated a fact however-" She continues, and Jungkook steps in.

"I've brought some leftovers from my dinner today we can eat." He says, pulling out some plastic containers as he moves to get proper cutlery out of your drawers. He makes sure to push them towards you, making sure to nod with a smile as you nod and thank him a little embarrassed. "It's nothing. You know I love you too much to let you starve!" He states with a grin, bunny teeth on full display as bitterness creeps up your throat- something you make sure to swallow down before beginning to eat.

Because the kind of love he's talking about right now, is not the kind of love you want him to feel for you.

"You forgot to give it a proper validation there-" He points out as you type away. "Otherwise it will just run instantly, and everything at once. That could crash older systems, and we know that V95 uses an older laptop, so we should take that into account." He says, and you nod, clicking back to the spot Jungkook is talking about.

This is what you're both good for.

Writing code for you had always been something you did with a passion- simply because you were good at it. Numbers and short phrases were something you could remember with ease; but you never had to think much about the visual aspect of programs in your department back when you were able to work for a simple programming company. You had simply always been tasked to program security systems and automatically updating firmware, or simple AI's for factory robots. Jungkook however had been all about the visuals; he had been programming games after all. That's why you two fit so well together in this scene. Whenever he would be in complete awe of the broad knowledge you had about official guidelines and security breaches, of staying undetected and unseen while still gaining as much as possible from every single line of code, he could always throw in his input to make sure the program you were both writing and updating for the glitch community was easy to use and simple enough so it could run smoothly on as many systems as possible. Be it phone, laptops, PC's- you two made it possible.

This program was connecting Glitchers all over the globe- and with yours and Jungkooks knowledge, you made it almost invisible. And even if it was somehow detected; there was no possible way to track down any of it's users.

The fact that you had to hide a simple program from the government made you sigh.

"Okay. Yeah I think that fixed the bug." He says, and looks at your arm- at Kana. "Oh, by the way, Kana?" he asks, and the chime gives him the cue to talk. "I heard you had a bug-fix too recently." He says, and the AI chimes again.

"I did, Player01." The AI answers. "The addition of code to my current program has proven to significantly increase my ability to observe and save more data." The female voice answers, and Jungkook grins. "You are happy, Player01." She states, and he nods.

"I am." He says.

"Why is that?" The AI asks, and Jungkook shrugs.

"I'm just happy you're doing well. Someone has to take care of ace when I'm not close by, yeah?" He states, and you try not to react to it. Jungkook is by now used to your more stoic expression; you're not too emotional and barely let things get under your skin. You've been hurt before, he knows this even if you never told him- he can see it in the way you hide inside the safety of your home, how you're so cold on the outside but still clinging onto him. Sometimes he wishes he could touch you; run his hand over your head to ruffle your hair like in those cheesy movies, hold your hand, or simply give you some reassurance in the form of a gentle hand on your back whenever you struggle.

But he's got his own demons, and they love clinging onto him just as much.

"V95 has connected to voice chat. Would you like to talk to him?" Kana states, ripping him out of his thoughts as he watches you nod.

"JK? Y/N?" A deep voice asks.

"We're here. Heard there was a raid close to you?" Jungkook asks, and he can see you grow a bit more serious at that. "Are you okay?" He adds, and V answers, although quite.. tired?

"I'm good. They got Jimin though." He states, and you sigh, running a hand through your hair as you stand up, frustrated. Jungkook knows you're trying to calm down by pacing. He doesn't mind. "They didn't officially arrest him, took him for 'questioning' though. We know what that's about." He states somberly, and Jungkook takes a deep breath.

"Jimin is a master manipulator V. He'll get himself out of it, I'm sure." Jungkook tries to reassure, but it doesn't gain him much than a hum from Taehyung on the other end of the line. "What about Sleeper?" He asks, and a chuckle is heard.

"He's been checking the videofeed from inside the past few nights. He said he's send some of the big bites to Ace though?" He says, and Jungkook looks over at your form.

"Yeah I've seen it." You simply say, though Jungkook grows uncomfortable with the way you're suddenly standing there. You're a little hunched, biting the skin on your thumb as you look at the tiles as if they suddenly began to move. He knows himself that things inside the 'rehabilitation centers' weren't all that nice to see- but you rarely ever displayed so much distress over it. "Let's just hope Jimin get's his ass out of this situation. We can't afford to loose him." You say, and V stays silent before he sighs.

"Yeah. I tell sleeper you've seen the stuff. Oh, and our prince charming has asked for a date with Ace. Again." Taehyung chuckles, and you groan- while Jungkook can't help but clench his jaw. Kim Seokjin was a very good asset to the team; with connections reaching deep inside the government and his position as a former lawyer- but he still hated his guts.

You didn't need to waste your time dating. You were totally capable of taking care of yourself, you had even said it personally! And for anything else Jungkook would provide for you. You didn't need anyone else than him.

He was totally not jealous of him.

"Can he not use our underground connections for that circus?" You say. "I don't even go grocery shopping, why would I want to go on a fucking date?" You mumble, sitting down next to Jungkook as you take a spoonful of rice. Jungkook feels a weird sense of satisfaction about the situation.

"Who knows." Taehyung says. "Alright, 10 Minute mark- I'll hear from you two soon. Take care." He says, and you both say your goodbyes before the line goes silent.

Although Jungkook hates physical contact, he likes keeping you close.

His heart is melting like chocolate as he notes the way your hand grips his jacket tightly as the two of you walk through town to get your license renewed- a way of holding onto him, and he somehow wishes it could be his hand. He knows yours would fit so perfectly in his, and yet he can't bring himself to do it.

His body is not cooperating.

He remembers vividly how his fear had developed; with his father and mother both being dramatically overworked and overwhelmed with having a kid at a young age, they had no idea how to make a child behave. Every second touch would bruise, every time he had been held would be force.

And at some point, he started to dislike physical touch completely.

It had just been like his growing interest in freelance climbing- the way he would walk and jump high over the heads of unsuspecting people, away from all judgemental gazes they'd throw his way for behaving the way he did. Only when the wind could hit him freely, only when he couldn't make out faces of anyone down below, only when he was high up- that was when he felt safe. The ground below had nothing of interest for him, no point in going down, as his apartment was located on the top floor of the complex. Jungkook never took the elevator, always the stairs.

He liked being reminded how high he lived.

And yet, there's one thing that pulls him down, brings his feet to the earth below, calls him like a siren song. It's you, hidden away from everyone's sight inside your tiny home, just as troubled and judged as himself.

He'd fallen in love with you the second you told him his name.

It had been a rainy night, his clothes drying on your heater as he was wrapped in two of your blankets; the smell of your fabric softener and something so typically you surrounding him like a mother's hug would a child. It had given him a feeling of comfort he had never quite experienced before, and it had also been the first time he had imagined what it would be like to hug you.

To have you close.

He had explained to you why he had freaked out when you reached for his arm to steady him when he almost fell inside your apartment through your window; had apologized and bowed his head in shame until you had simply shrugged.

"You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, Jungkookie." You had said. Jungkookie. "You're you. And I like you." You had said, not looking at him as you typed in some code to Kana's internal system.

His heart had warmed up at that.

And while you had accepted him, he had accepted you just as much. While at first caught off guard by your quiet and sometimes harsh way of treating him, he had also gotten to know just how gentle and delicately you treated the ones you loved. You were a loyal person, always going out of your way to be helpful, and silently basking in praise any time it was directed at you.

He loved that view. The way your cheeks would grow warm, how your eyes would sparkle; and he loved most of all, that he had been, according to Taehyung who was the second closest to you, the only one to see you smile.

You even laughed with him.

It filled him with pride to know that you were able to let go around him, even if it was just a little. It made him feel like he did something huge. It helped him sleep at night knowing that you were trusting him enough to let down your guard a little.

And it hurt him even worse knowing that he couldn't do the same thing for you.

He was a coward-

and you deserved a hero.

"Ace?" He asked, slipping through your window as he noticed the apartment silent and dark. Nothing greeted him. "..Ace?" He tried again, maybe you were asleep? But your apartment was quiet, empty, nothing spoke of your presence. Dishes were in the sink, a cup of water left untouched on the counter, and something inside of him churned painfully at the way this looked. He checked the kitchen tile, sliding it to the side like he's seen you do it countless of times.

It was dark.

Instead, he was greeted by a post it note. "Underneath the bed. Take care." Was all it read. He stood up, pushing your bed away from the wall noticing how your carpet had been torn a little. And as he lifted the cut flap of carpet, there was an envelope.

Your watch. A small in-ear piece, and your old IT-identification, folded.

A noise outside your hallway made his head snap up as he pushed the bed back into place, making an escape for it as he climbed outside the window, watch safely inside his jacket as he climbed back up on top of a building, before he examined it further, turning it on, after putting the earpiece in.

"Hello, Jungkook." Kana greeted him, and it felt weird to hear the AI say his name like that. "Creator has advised me to answer all questions you might have, and assist you from here on." She said, and Jungkook simply put the watch on, making his way to his own apartment.

"What happened?" He asked, his face serious as he walked.

"At around 6:12 O'clock, creator was taken into further questioning regarding illegal possession and knowledge of classified information and technological equipment. She had shown no resistance and complied with authorities. My observations however showed that she was taken with more force than necessary." Kana explained. Jungkook shook his head. "She had prepared for this instance during the night, approximately twenty-six minutes after you had left."

"She knew?!" He suddenly said, shutting his apartment door violently as he started to pace around, throwing his jacket on the couch. "Why didn't she contact me?"

"Analysis; your body shows signs of-" Kana started, but Jungkook interrupted.

"Shut up. Why didn't she tell me?" He asks again, and Kana seems to hesitate for a moment.

"Considering her close relationship to you, she probably wanted to not get you involved." She stated, and Jungkook sighed, sitting down on his couch as he gripped his hair. He should've stayed. Hell, it wasn't the first time he wanted to stay. He had dreamed of staying over, of fucking living with you for months to no end by now, but he was a coward. And this was his paycheck.

"Kana." He said lowly, and the small tune gave him the cue to talk. "Contact V95. Tell him it's urgent. We got an emergency." He says.

"I can't watch this." He says, jumping up and holding onto his head as to not punch his wall, unable to go through the videofeed of your interrogation room.

There's not much to see, but Jungkook knows that's simply because they haven't had the time to see to you yet. You and him knew best what really happened in these rooms, and he hated knowing that deep down they wouldn't go easy on you simply because you were a young woman. It didn't matter to them.

He'd seen teenagers way younger than you and him getting the rough treatment before- and elderly didn't get spared either.

The government bragged about having everything in order; yet they couldn't even control their own law enforcement it seemed. When he really thought back on his history lessons in school, not much had changed at all.

The world was still in utter chaos.

His palm shuts his laptop harshly- earning a tiny chime from the AI he’s already forgotten shares his home with him now. “I suggest that you practice care in treating your electronics to-“ he groans, successfully shutting it off at that. “Why are you frustrated?” It- she? Asks, and he sits down.

“I don’t know how to help her.” He admits in shame, thinking back to the footage of your hidden camera; the way they had pushed you to the ground, before grabbing you, leading you out of your apartment a few minutes away from him. “I don’t know what I should do.” He says.

There’s a bit of silence, until the AI speaks up again. “Do you have a romantic interest in my creator?” She asks, and his head snaps up at that.

“What the fuck? Why would you ask me this?!” He barks, unsure where to look since he can only hear the voice.

“I have observed both my creator and your behaviors; you seem to have a very deep rooted interest in each others well-being and opinions. This is commonly found in partnerships. I was only asking you to confirm if my assumption is correct.”

He’s silent for a moment, until he speaks again, watching the announcement van pass his window; voices dull and unintelligible though the walls and windows. “It’s no use anyways. Who wants someone they can’t even shake hands with?” He sighs, looking into his lap again. He hates that he’s like this; that even though he very much loves and adores you, there’s no magic moment that makes him forget- even though he craves the contact, he can’t do it. Every time he’s close to you, he knows that he could simply hug you; or let you rest your head on his shoulder, like in romantic movies. He wants to hold your hand, wipe your tears- but his body won’t cooperate. He can’t do it.

Not even with you.

“Creator seems very comfortable with you.” The AI states. “I have been asked to archive all text messages and phone calls of you two recently. When I asked for a reason, she claimed she would need it someday- I was unsure what she meant.” Jungkook furrows his brow, raising his head again. “Sometimes, when creator is deeply upset, she has the habit of playing some of the recordings of you singing, or reminding her to take care. My research has shown that it slows down her heartbeat to a more normal level and also improves her insomnia.” Jungkooks eyes widen at that.

Does that mean.. that you like him back?

"Kana, fuck- cut the feed." He says, agitated.

"Are you sure?" She asks, and he sighs, before yelling his frustration out, sitting down to take a deep breath. He slowly shook his head no. He couldn't let all your hard work go to waste like this.

He couldn't stay a coward.

"Jungkook, it appears to be that the creator is being let go." Kana suddenly chimes up, and Jungkook rushes to his pc setup to see for himself. And she's right- your arm is being held tightly, and something is being said to you, but your hands are no longer chained to the chair- you're free.

What just happened?

Jungkook sometimes really hates himself for being the way he is.

There's no sugarcoating it that you need comfort now more than ever, even though you don't openly show it to him. He can see it in the way you're still biting your nails, he can see it in your eyes which never stay on one point for too long. And he can definitely see it in the bruises on your upper arm, and the cut on your lower lip where you had bitten in anger and frustration. He wants to comfort you, he knows you'd let him- and yet he can't move any closer than where he is right now; only the length of his palm of space between you two. And yet it's like his joints are locked into place. He can't touch you.

What if he hurts you?

And it dawns on him right then and there while he watches you drink your can of overly sweet soda while typing your code like second nature, that he's not scared of you hurting him. He's scared of doing to you, what's been done to him. Because deep down he is aware that his parents never had bad intentions, never hated him or wanted him to suffer; they were simply unsure and not at all confident in how to really care for a child. They had been caught off guard and gotten overwhelmed by the sudden shift in their situation that they never truly knew what to do. And nowadays he felt like he was simply heading down the same road.

He was starting to feel like he was becoming just like them.

"Hm?" You ask him, ripping him out of his thoughts as he looks at you, your eyes wide and worried as you put down your almost empty can of soda. "What is it?" You ask him, and he wants to scream. He wants to throw a fit like a child at the way you seem to worry for him every time you should worry for yourself. He's a coward, he's useless, he's everything you don't need nor deserve in his eyes, and yet you always look at him like he's the main character of your favorite movie.

If he was, he was sure he'd be merely a sidekick- because you deserved to be the focus of every story told in his eyes. And if you weren't included in the tale, he knew he didn't want to ever know about it.

He swallows, before he manages to make his hand move, finger pointing at your arm where a green-ish bruise already formed. "Does it hurt?" He asks, and he's not even sure if he's asking you about the bruise, of if he's asking something else. He doesn't know what he's saying, doesn't even know if he's asking you or himself.

"No." You answer, and he looks at you, searching for any hint of a lie in your eyes. But he only sees that slight smile, lips turned a little, almost unnoticeable. But its there, he can see it, and he wants to print it into his mind to never forget it. You were so observant, knew him so well, that he was almost certain you knew of his inner fight and what he really meant with his blurted out question. "Are you okay?" You ask him, and he swallows again, eyes stinging with unshed tears as his body grows rigid like an unoiled machine, only moving with as much force as he can manage to come up with. His breathing is heavy as his eyes can't leave the spot on your arm, and your watch him with wide eyes as his shaking hand slowly reaches out.

He doesn't know what he expects to really happen.

Maybe like those electric shocks you get when someone had rubbed their socks on a carpet before touching someone else. Maybe he had expected to recoil instantly. Maybe he had expected nothing- but he was suddenly in a rush the moment his fingertip touched your warm skin, delicate, soft, everything his rough hands weren't.

And you were still as prey in front of a wolf.

But the wolf in this scenario was holding his breath while his tears finally fell. He wants to speak, but he can't, he doesn't know how to ask for something when he doesn't even know if he wants it.

But suddenly he moves again, his palm now resting fully against your upper arm, shaking, as it moves over the length of it, softly, as he imprints the way your soft skin feels. "Jungkook.." You whisper out, and he suddenly snaps, leans forward, his legs on either side of your body as he snakes his arms around you from behind, pulling you close to his chest. You can feel him shake as he holds you, his cheek resting against your back and you don't care about his tears staining your shirt as he suddenly cries openly and possibly for the first time since he was a mere child.

He's unsure, overwhelmed, because you're so warm, you smell so nice, you're so soft, and he can't let go, doesn't want to let go. He whines out as you turn a bit as he thinks you're moving away but you're simply placing your legs over his as you sit in his lap, hugging him back as you make sure to give him a gentle squeeze.

He calms down after a long while of simply existing. Of breathing you in, of feeling you. "You're right." He whispers into your neck, and you can't help but shiver, leaning into his hug.

"It doesn't hurt at all."

"You know, I get why you come up here." You comment, as Jungkook makes sure to hold your hand tightly in his, your feet dangling off the edge of the building you're sitting on top of. "It's nice." You say.

He's not listening that well though.

All he can really do is watch your face, illuminated by the neon lights of the city, hair swaying in the wind as you look down below. He doesn't quite know what you two really are, doesn't know how long it will take him to really come out of his shell and give you the love you deserve, but he's trying. He's fighting, he's left his cowardly self behind.

He want's to change.

And not just for you alone, because while he hates seeing you hurt, he knows what you two are doing- what all of you are doing- is for the greater good.

Jungkook hates your ideas sometimes.

Simply because he knows they will work, but also end up with you getting into danger at the end of it. And just like now, all he can do really is hope that you make it out as he keeps a watchful eye on your movements from above, giving you directions via Kana as you sometimes trip and stumble a little.

You're not a very active person; running wasn't really your thing.

Fuck, you were basically a hermit, the most you walked around was from your bedroom into the kitchen!

But then again, sacrifices had to be made somewhere. And Jungkook really admired you; because every time he thought that you had reached your limit, you would face it head first and break through it.

"Ace, try and somehow get to higher ground. They're caging you in from all sides." He urgently tells you as he watches police chase you down the roads, pushing citizens aside to not loose sight of you.

The plan had been simple. Gain all the attention so Taehyung could infect one of the police station's servers with a new worm, giving you all a better and easier access to any data and communication of the area. Jungkook couldn't play the bate well enough; and you had been on their radar already, making you the best option to gain their interest quickly enough.

Although Jungkook hated that part.

"Come on, ah fuck it." He grits out, jumping down to grab a ladder, making his way to a nearby area he could pull you up. There was no way you could reach any of the fire ladders yourself, and by now, things were getting too hot for him to risk anything. "Here!" He barks out, not thinking twice about grabbing your hand and helping you upwards, trying not to worry too much about your heavy breathing. And then there's it.

A pop, loud, followed by another, and another, and another. You're suddenly falling, scraping your knees on the ground below as he can't catch you, too startled by the fact that they had actually decided to shoot to react quick enough. "Fuck!" He says, eyes wide and pupils blown as he looks at you.

"Jungkook, why the fuck aren't you running?!" You yell at him, a scratch on the top of your left cheek as you push his leg away from you- the only thing you can reach. "Go!" You bark again, and he growls out something, before he manages to pull you onto his back, adrenaline not letting his brain process what he's doing.

He can't just leave you.

"Taehyung, get out, Ace has been shot. Whatever was uploaded has to be enough." He says via the in-ear piece, doesn't wait for a response. He still gets it.

"Fuck, what?! Okay okay, I'm out" He says, and Jungkook can only catch a glimpse of the older man leaving the building via the backside entrance. He's only concerned with getting you somewhere safe.

"Urgh." You groan, slowly sitting up on Jungkooks couch. "I mean, I know paintball hurts, but rubber bullets? Jesus.." You complain, while Jungkook looks at you with a dark expression. "What?" You ask him, and he huffs.

"You sound like you haven't almost been killed yesterday." He grimly says, and you shrug. "Stop. I'm serious." He tells you, and you let yourself fall back down onto his couch.

"Whatever. At least we killed their communication." You say, closing your eyes. "Must've at least pissed them off." You say.

"Kana." Jungkook suddenly says, waiting for the familiar sound to tell him she's active. "Shut down for now." He says, and you sit up, hissing instantly at the sudden movement.

"Hey- ah fuck!" You say, as you watch on your bracelet how Kana complies; shutting down. "Why would you do that?" You say in an offended matter, before you grow quiet, watching him go onto his knees in front of you, as he lets his head rest on top of your lap.

"I just want.. you to myself. Just.." He mumbles, and you slowly bring your hand to his hair. "Just for a moment." He says, and you sigh. Jungkook had been under a lot of stress recently, you no doubt being the main cause of most of it recently. So you simply let him be, as he closed his eyes. "Y/N?" He asks suddenly, and you answer him. "I love you." He says, and your body stops moving.

What?

"It's okay if you don't." He says, not moving from his spot, and neither opening his eyes. "I mean it. I only want you to know." He explains further. "Because I.. couldn't fucking live with myself if something happened to you, and I've never told you." He admits, and you can't help but stare at him. Jungkook looked down on himself so much that it was sometimes frustrating to see; simply because you saw him as such an amazing human being with countless talents and beautiful flaws.

You knew you couldn't muster up the strength to actually answer him; not so spontaneously. You weren't that expressive, you couldn't communicate as freely and colorful as he could. All your words seemed black and white to you, mixing into grey and mundane sentences while his words seemed to bloom into the most amazing paintings. He had a way of charming those around him- and he didn't even know.

You slowly leaned down instead, moving his hair to the side as you placed a feather-light kiss to the top of his cheek, close to his eye.

You hoped he would somehow understand you.

And as he moved again, looking at you with eyes that sparkled brighter than any city's skyline ever could, you knew he did.

He'd always understand you, no matter how you communicated with him.

You didn't need words to understand each other.

The shy kiss you two shared, bathed in the purple glow of the neon lights outside his window, spoke enough.

"You should try and sleep." Jungkook tells you, taking away your can of soda as you whine at him. "No buts. Come on, I'll finish this for you." He says, and you let him take over the keyboard of your laptop. It's something you really only let him get away with- anyone else would've probably lost a finger or two trying to touch your work.

You don't trust anyone but him at this point.

"I know that Kana snitched." You comment, as you lean your back against his shoulder. He chuckles. "Can't believe my own creation goes behind my back like that." You mumble, and Jungkook has a light tune to his voice as he speaks.

"Well, it's a good thing though." He tells you. "I worry about you." He says.

"Ugh come on, you know that's not the part I meant." You laugh, and he grins.

"Oh, you mean the part where you listen to my crappy ass singing to help you sleep?" He tells you with a teasing undertone. "No wonder you got insomnia trying to find rest to that." He chuckles, and you playfully hit his thigh.

"Shut up, your voice is nice." You say, and he's glad your eyes are closed, and you can't see him blush.

Somehow, moments like these re-energized him again. Because it proved to him that there was still a piece of that innocent and untainted you inside that thick shell you had put up to protect yourself. And considering that you let him see you like that made his pride grow taller than any of the skyscrapers of his city.

Maybe one day the two of you will have a future together that won't be so difficult and unfair like your current one was. Maybe one day, you both will have changed enough to teach the next generation about what you've overcome.

But then again; living in the moment seemed to fit a lot better in his eyes, as he watched you sleep soundly against his shoulder.

Yeah, this moment was more than enough for now.

The world won't change over night- you both know that. All of you know that. But small things were starting to make a difference here and there; for example, the letter you held towards Jungkook as his eyes widened.

"..and we have officially decided that we no longer want to participate in the case against the defendant. The result of this agreement is that all charges against Y/N L/N have been dismissed and are no longer being investigated." He reads out loud, almost whispering as if saying it too loud could make it a lie. "They let you go?" He asks, and you nod, the small bandaid on your cheek making you look even cuter in his eyes as you shrug.

"Jimin had reached out too. They've let him go home as well." You say. and Jungkook huffs out in disbelief.

After infecting the police station with the worm you had all worked on, you had scared the entire country enough to take a step back from the overall aggressive tone. It wasn't much- but it meant that they knew you were there. You existed, and you were not bowing down.

You were still untamed.

Jungkook smiled brightly as he put the letter down to the side, reaching out to you to pull you onto his lap. He simply holds you for a moment, his lips kissing the skin of your shoulder as if in a trance. "I love you." He tells you, and you smile, squeezing him a bit in your arms. "I really do." He assures you, and you nod.

You don't answer him, and he doesn't seem to mind as he leans back from you, his eyes crinkling at the edges as he grins, hands holding your face so delicately as he places a kiss onto your lips, making you close your eyes as he breaks away from you, letting you rest your head against his shoulder.

He's still not letting anyone very physically close other than you; he's still scared of going out and around like everyone else. You're still rather hiding inside his apartment- both of your apartment now- and you still have trouble sleeping.

But Jungkook keeps the nightmares away.

And you make him brave in exchange.

It's really weird to hear the sound of a radio nowadays.

Things are still far from normal- but recently, citizens had been given radios to listen to public broadcast again. It only played crappy music with some rare good tracks here and there, but it was better than nothing.

Jungkook couldn't help but think that your breathless voice was far more entertaining than any music station he can remember from his youth.

While he hates touching other people, even friends and family, he can't help but feel a rush whenever he touches you.

His hands can't stop on one specific spot, can't seem to stay still even for a moment as his lips nip and suck at the flesh of your neck and shoulder, marking what's his, visualizing that you really belong to him. He bears the same mark on his collarbone from last night, and he should have been satisfied, but even an early morning couldn't keep him away from you.

The rain hit the window harshly, but he didn't notice at all. All his eyes could see was your form underneath him, skin glowing as he moves above you, euphoria filling his veins as he can't look away from where you're connected, where his cock disappears inside of you over and over and over again.

"I love you." He breathes out as he comes undone, holding you close, resting his head against your shoulder, as you hold onto his arms, a smile, a genuine and big smile thrown his way as he can't help but smile along.

"I love you too, Jungkook." You say, and he chuckles.

The radio in the background still playing, as you lay in each others' arms.

(c)Bonny-Kookoo. Please stop reposting my content on AO3 thinking I won't find it. I'm literally everywhere you clowns.

To everyone else: Thank you for reading this mess- I really apologize for the messy storyline, but I just wanted to put this out before the entire thing escaped me again and I would end up struggling to find my way back into it (cough cough flashback to mean lmao). I promise to somewhat post more regularly. Thank you for your kind words and for sticking with me!

[elibeeline]

Oki oki there have been some changes in the system i dont remember if i've logged them here, so here is all eight (fronters)/twelve (collectively) of us in the system and some theories on any developing fictives (under the line bc we've all got picrews so there's a fair bit of scrolling)

Uhhh in order of appearance i suppose

First is me, Eli! They/xe pronouns, nonbinary and lesbian. Am the host, and the one yall see most often (no tag for that reason)

Then there's Bunny, she/they pronouns, unlabelled gender and too little to understand sexuality. Helps the body sleep and unwind (either 'posts by bunny' or 🐰)

Then Alice, she/her pronouns, female, and bisexual. She helps us with external stuff like work and keeping things tidy, and also helps regulate stress (either 'posts by alice' or just 📕)

Then Ian, he/him, male, and gay. A fictive sourced from Ian Gallagher from shameless, he protects us in public spaces and allows our brain to feel angry emotions. He also takes care of Bunny :> (either 'posts by ian' or 🐅)

Then came Iris, she/they, demigirl?, and lesbian. They help Ian from lashing out at people, helps us solve problems, and is often the most lighthearted and giggly (either 'posts by iris' or 🌷)

Then we have Ewan, all pronouns, genderfluid, and unlabeled as of yet. She fronts more often than the others and has taken on duties as co-host. Also an age slider, a little but older than dear Bunny (either 'posts by ewan', 'posts by ewey', or 🐏 or 🐣)

Then we have Jon, yes like the archivist! He/they, not too sure on labels. He helps with our paranoia and hallucinations ('posts by jon' or 👁)

Then there's Frankie, he/him, also unsure on labels. He took on the role of sheltering intense depressive thoughts and he's not always as grunpy as he looks ('posts by frankie' or 🦇)

And there's System! Sys/sysself pronouns, sys handles all the inner workings of the system, particularly understanding who can fromt around certain people in order to stay safe. Sys doesn't front, just stays in the innerworld ('posts by System' or '- S')

And Tommy, yes the dsmp character. He/him, roughly aged like 14-16 we believe, and he's a trauma holder. ('Posts by tommy' 'posts by toms' or 💙)

There's Wolfy. He/him, so far our only animal-based headmate and he's a protector! (Posts by wolfy' or 🐺)

(Hit the image-limit on mobile 🙃. He has humanoid features, but has silver hair and wolf ears, and sharp claw-like nails and fangs.)

And Punz. He/they. Yes another dsmp headmate, character not cc. He's a comfort headmate and also a protector. ('Posts by punz' or 💎)

(I'll just do image IDs until i can figure out how to get the images on my laptop to edit on the desktop version. Basically just like c!punz, blond hair, white hoodie, black trousers, and netherite armour when being a protector.)

And Bakugo. The mha character yes. He doesn’t like talking to people, and tends to avoid any particular social situations, although apparently very easy to draw to front when talking about him. (Posts by Bakugo or 🧨)

(Bakugo likes black clothing. Again, blond hair but prefers it poofy and away from the face by wearing a hairband. He tends to be either pouting or scowling)

Squish, she/her! Squish is excitable, but nonverbal so she'll very rarely be on here for anything that cant be expressed through emojis (and to be fair, even then its a stretch because she doesn't seem to like using those, which is very okay and we love her) (probably just 🐱! Or 'posts by squish')

(She has pink hair, glasses, and wears light make up like mascara and lip gloss. She has dangly earrings and a pendant necklace, and in this specific picrew has a mossy-green shirt)

Jinx, another fictive! Likely formed from similarities in trauma. She's not fully fronting as of yet, but we've heard her speaking in the innerworld so she's definitely about! (Posts by jinx or 😈)

(Facial-wise she looks like her source! No ones sure on outfits just yet tho)

Jason! As in Jason Todd the DC character :) so far he's been doing a decent amount of fronting! He seems to like playing dj with the music we've been listening to. (Posts by jason, posts by jay, or just '- jt')

Also inside that don't front are Mickey, who only interacts with Ian, and Martin, who only interacts with Jon. There's a few batfam members who interact with Jason, but I cant quite pinpoint exactly who.

(Jason has black hair with a white whisp at the front, he has a few scars over his face, and he's pouting. He wears a black turtleneck shirt under a brown leather jacket.)

And now Beau! We don't know too much about them yet, other than that they present androgynous :) (posts by beau or '- B')

(Beau has short red hair, deep eyebags, and resting bitch face. They wear a fluffy-hooded jacket with a simple black shirt underneath)

And there's the Possibles (either names that get announced or fictives that System seems to like): Vi, Wednesday, Maeve, Bella, Jasper, Philza, Techno, cc!george

[roughentumble]

Tagged by @hale-of-stiles-heart

Name: shawn

Sign: cancer the crabbbbb pinchpinch

Height: 5'3

Current time: after 0100

Favorite band/musical artists: im indecisive as hell, i cant pick favorites lol. as a kid i liked paramore, three days grace, system of a down... i also like more indie stuff, like penelope scott, and music to cry to(leonard cohen comes to mind). oh and j-pop too, kanon wakeshima, utada hikaru, ikimonogakari, the usual crew. kyary pamyu pamyu but i havent heard anything abt her in ages, i guess she fell out of popularity. ninjari bang bang still slaps tho. ummmm. other stuff. i have a whole music tag to give you an idea of what i listen to!

Last Movie: i watched SOMETHING the other day but honestly i cant remember what it was(which does not bode well for thing in question) so let's just say Nope.

Last Show: i think its called requiem? it was a netflix/bbc limited series, 6 episodes. it was pretty decent, tho i maintain the spooky creatures were NOT ANGELS they were FAIRIES, it makes way more sense if theyre fairies.

Blog created: mmmmm a while ago. 2012? maybe younger idk. i remade at one point so we'll never know the exact year

What I post: memes, whatever random rambling bullshit that crosses my mind, gay people, fandom stuff, geraskier

Last Google search: . literally "". i thought it was an incorrectly displaying emoji and thought emojidex would pop up with an actual image

Other blogs: is secret shhhh 🤫 ;)

Do you get asks: i been known to, ye! got a nice anon or two floatin around.

Following: 867

Followers: 998

Sleep schedule: aint got one, i like stayin up late tho

Do you play instruments? currently? nah. but over my lifetime i've done guitar, ukulele, ocarina.... probably some piano as a wee babe... i think like violin or something..... oh and obviously recorder lol xp

Currently wearing: soft pants an soft shirt. for sleepy times

Dream job: its changed so many times over the years i dont even know at this point. i guess the true dream is just getting one super major ultra best seller of some kind and coating off the money for the rest of All Time

Dream trip: idk, lots of places would be fun to go, but im going to ireland next year and hopefully that'll be really cool! and i always wanted to go to japan as a kid, so maybe like the ghibli museum would be cool

Nationality: US.

Favorite song: seconding amber here, i could never pick a fav.

Last book: i mean im currently reading samuel butler's translation of the iliad

idk who to tag so i shan't. lol

[uselessheretic]

ok hot take but also i feel like the "ao3 needs as much money as possible bc theyre the last stand for fanfic rights and at any moment everything can be lost just like it was a decade ago" feels so... similar to the fear propagated by the state to defend anti terrorism initiatives or over policing. which i am not saying that these are the same things (fandom is just fandom in the end lol) but the way that this side of fandom is majority white women and kinda falling for the same line of thought is just...?

bc it is similar to the "we are the last stand against freedom and at any moment your lives can be taken away" based off of past threats where this "last stand" doesnt even fucking do anything.

but the inability to question anything with ao3 is just soooo weird where its viewed as questioning the right for fandom to exist. people see ao3 as the only thing protecting fandoms ability to exist and that they are the single thing keeping creators at bay from purging all fandom when forreal and actually? that hasnt been a threat for the last decade. the culture around fanfiction has changed since then where creators are more eager to see fans engage with it and encourage it. the handful of ones who dont are treated as a minority and kinda actively shamed. you really cant do an anne rice nowadays and not get a shit ton of backlash, not just from fans, but other creators too. like dude... if youre pitching books to agents they actually encourage you to mention if youve written fic because it shows how you engage with an audience 😭

that doesnt mean fic is safe with no threat against it, but the lack of action taken against fic isnt because of ao3... its just bc the climate has changed and ppl who were fans in the 90s are creators today

but again its a culture of "you cant question ao3 about ANYTHING or youre jeopardizing fanfiction" which is definitely bc of the weird polarization of proship/anti stuff that impacts shit thats not even relevant dndjdkdjdn like? wanting the site to update its tagging system, add the ability to save filters, block users, have a better response to harassment, actively state that it does not condone racism and bigotry, get rid of the invite system, etc etc isnt anything that really has to do with ship shit but its taken as Anti Stances which is fucking wilddddd

god or the whole... real minors having nsfw rpf of them thing (🤢) it was kinda wild to see proshippers reactions to it because from what i could see by going thru the qrts and blocking freaks...... most of them also thought it was fucking weird and shouldnt be a thing. which makes sense that the line between anime porn vs "wait but thats a kid???" is clear to even terminally online folks, but then ao3 refused to change it so instead of pushing back they just let it go. so it becomes another thing you cant question or else its threatening ao3 and youre one of the enemies.

iont know man but remember when that girlie on twitter "published" an article about how antis are a cult in ao3s shitty lil "peer reviewed" journal and it was so so sooo bad and had zero sources? its just kinda funny how the inability to question authority, the us vs them, and the financial exploitation is like uhh a thing w proshippers lol????

anyways this is why i think white women are forming a whole fucking fandom qanon bc the amount of absolute batshit insane things ppl say claiming that there are discords full of children being groomed by antis, that proshippers are dying in mass, and that their creative freedom will be taken away if you say "its bad to be racist" so they donate hundreds and thousands of dollars to an organization that straight up doesnt need it? LIKE................ someone call susans loved ones and help her out of this 😭

[pigstepmp3-moved]

holy hell, gamers, i finally reached one whole thousand followers! how bonkers is that! when i first made this blog in december 2018, i was just trying to start over in a new fandom. ive been active on tumblr for a looong time (since i was like 11, which is. not great, but we wont get into that). i cant remember quite why i decided to remake, but i never imagined getting a higher following than i did before, but i did! 1000 followers is bonkers, i’ve never had a thousand of anything! i seriously cant thank each and every one of you enough, whether you followed me for 911 or for mcyt or for whatever!

now, since ive reached this absolutely bonkers milestone, im feeling particularly sappy! so under the cut, i have some friends and mutuals tagged who are super great n who are always an absolute pleasure to see on my dash! <3 again, thank you all so much! (ps, if we’re mutuals and i didnt tag u in this, that doesnt mean i dont love and appreciate you!! i mostly am just picking people to tag based off how often i see them on my dash! i love all of u so much <3)

♡ 911 FRIENDS ♡

(aka the ogs, aka the fire fam)

♡ @lovelessmotel ♡ emily!! god, where do i even begin with how much i love and adore you!! i know youre one of my big sisters, but wow i am so proud of how much youve discovered yourself since we’ve met!! like wow, look at this epic, gorgeous person whos one of MY close friends! im so lucky to be friends with you! thank you so much for being my friend, i appreciate you and all the sisterly advice you’ve given me more than i can ever put into words!

♡ @eddiediaz-buckley ♡ sav!! mom!! i love u so unbelievably much!! i am so unbelievably grateful for you and everything youve done for me! all the advice youve given me and all the times youve let me vent to you have been so important to me and i cannot thank you enough for all that. im soso appreciative of you and im so glad that i have someone as amazing as you as my mom/big sister (we’ll never really figure out our fams family dynamics, will we?) (ps, whenever i go outside and have my keys with me, its always so comforting to feel the keychain you got me! its like my moms with me everywhere i go!)

♡ @liesoverthec ♡ bonbonbonbon!!! i love you so much, you wouldnt BELIEVE how much i love you!!! im so glad we met bc you are so unbelievably kind!! there is a very good reason a nickname for u is bonbon bc you are just as sweet as candy!! maybe even more so!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, you give such wonderful advice and talking to you always makes me feel a million times better!! i love you and i am soso glad i get to call you my friend!

♡ @marauder-girl ♡ sabsabsab!! i love u so much, u funky lil future lawyer!! im so proud of u and i can hardly believe ur gonna be my Lawyer big sister!!! thats so awesome!! i cant believe such a rad person is one of MY friends!! how lucky am i!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, youre so kind and funny and talented and your advice has always been so helpful to me too! thank you so much for being my friend and for always being there for me!!

♡ @nighting-gale17 ♡ cait, my love, my wifey!!! wowowow i love u so much!!! im so glad we’re friends, you are so unbelievably lovely!! youre also so unbelievably talented like??? hey queen wanna hand some of ur writing ability over to the unfortunate (like me). i’m so glad we’re friends, youre so sweet and even tho we dont talk as much as we used to, i still have SO much love for you in my heart

♡ @africaneuropean ♡ rae, my father!! i love u so much!! i know we havent talked at all in. who knows how long. but i still have so much love for u in my heart!! you are so iconic and cool and funny, im so glad i met you n became friends with you!! ur one of the coolest people i know, i hope i can be as cool and mysterious and wonderful as you one day

♡ @evaneddie ♡ DHYL!!! dhyl pickle i love u so much!!! whenever u pop into my inbox with random nice messages, every part of me lights up!!! u are so kind to me and for what!! i miss talking to u as much as we used to, you are so sweet and you are such a good friend!! i love u n im SO proud of how far youve come with gif making, i still remember when u first started n youve gotten SO amazing at gifs lately!! i love u soso much n im so glad we’re friends, youre so awesome!!!

♡ @basil-the-writer ♡ des!!! i love u so much!!! i know we’ve never rly talked all that much but im glad we have interacted in the ways that we have!! u are so sweet n so talented!! like the fact that u have the patience for those lil video edits u do?? that is so cool!! all ur edits are so cool, i cannot imagine being able to make stuff like that without dying every single time. u are so cool n i love being able to call u my friend!!

♡ GRIFF ♡

(aka griff)

♡ @yawnralphio ♡ u get ur own section bc u are my only 911 friend who isnt an og, but thats ok bc u are so swaggy!! i love being friends with u griff, u are so cool and funny and i am so glad that u still want to be friends with me despite all of the horrifying things u’ve learned about mcyt from me jdhfajkdhfa. i love u so much n i am so excited to get to know u more n get closer to u!!

♡ FRUITBLR ♡

(aka mcyt friends)

♡ @fear-epidemic ♡ atlas u are so swaggy and funny!! tumblr funny man!! im so glad we’re mutuals, i love u a whole lot. that one time u me n wilby played bed wars together was so fun even if we’re really bad! n that one time we played on the fruitblr server while on vc was so fun, i loved talking to u n playing with u so much, we gotta do that again sometime. i love u so much chapin n im so glad we’re friends!!

♡ @netheritedream ♡ hari my beloved... i love u so much. like literally so much that its really embarassing. i am so glad u tagged me in that one follow forever post n put the offer on the table to let me join the server. i love being ur dumb lil husband!!! jus like actual fundy, i would risk it all to watch treasure planet with u. i love u sososo much, i wish i could live closer to u so i could actually talk to u more often </333 im going through severe withdrawal, pray for me. im gonna stop talking for now bc if i kept going on, this post would be several miles along n nobody has time for that </3 just know that i love u so much and i love having matching icons n i love being ur husband, i love u so much

♡ @sootswilbur ♡ tommy... i care you so much. little bromther!!! im sososo glad we’re friends bc u are so kind to me all the time n u are so easy to talk to!! ur also so talented, ur writing n ur gifs are so amazing n im so proud of all the awesome stuff u make!! seeing u experiment more with ur gif sets n trying new things is so awesome n inspiring and i love seeing ur experiments work out!! i love u soso much n im so happy to be ur big brother!! (or one of them at least)

♡ @fruitbur ♡ virgil my Other beloved... i love u so much!! u are one of the kindest people ive ever met n im so glad i met u!! i know ive already told u this before but ur tagging system is so sweet n i love seeing u reblog my posts bc im like “yay alastair is gonna tell me that he loves me in the tags :D” i also lovelovelove ur theme, i love the soft pink and the lil aesthetic board that u have pinned, its so nice to look at!!! ily sososo much <333

♡ @theartofmining ♡ hey fruit ily. like genuinely, u are so unbelievably funny that u make my ribs hurt so much. i know we’re like never rly that serious but i love u so much. as much as i joke about hating u, i really am glad we’re friends n i really look forward to becoming better friends with u. i love u a whole lot rain, i love seeing u on my dash bc ur full of good takes n funny posts

♡ @sapnaplive ♡ dream.... bonks our foreheads together... i care u so much. my other half!!! i love u with my whole little heart. u are soso cool and im so lucky to be able to call u my friend!! ur themes are always so cool, i wish i could be half as cool as them!!! ur art is also so epic like??? u are a triple threat: good at art, tumblr themes, AND minecraft building. and ur also so kind!!! u are one of the sweetest people i know, i love u so much and im so glad im friends with u!!

♡ @dreams-little-kitten ♡ corn u are so weird and i mean that in the kindest way possible. u are so cryptic n i love that so much about u. ur like the wilbur to my philza sometimes and i think thats so awesome. that one time u came into my inbox to talk shit about that one cuphead boss was so funny and absurd, i loved that so much. i love You so much. i love how ur just so effortlessly funny, n im so glad i can be friends with u

♡ @dreamsmp ♡  JEL!!!! i love u so much holy cow. u are so sweet!! all the time!!! ur also so talented, ur gifs always look so good!!! i love being friends with u, ur always so nice to me n u always leave rly nice tags when u reblog my gif sets that make me so happy!!! i think about that one time u rbed my fundy gif set n said “FUNDY GIFS” and “GIFS BY FUNDY” it made me so happy!!! i love u a whole lot, im so glad we’re friends :)

♡ @leaguelol ♡ damien!! i love u so much u funky little cryptid!! i love when u pop into the gc just to share cryptic thoughts, u are so strange but i think thats so cool of u!!! i honestly see u kinda like a lil sibling, im always so proud of u when i see ur art on my dash!! u are so talented at art!! i love u so much n i love being ur friend, ur rly sweet n i love seeing u on my dash and in the gc!!

♡ @its5undy ♡ idk why im putting u on this, ur my mortal enemy. jkjk, i actually love u a lot clay! i love joking around with u, ur so funny and for what. im so glad u joined the gc bc i love talking to you so much!! i still love that one time u reblogged that fwt gif set n tagged me in it moments after I reblogged it. i love that u thought about me, that rly warms my heart! i love being friends with u sososo much

♡ @cavalreee ♡ oh hey, another great big fruit!! i dont think we talk all that often, which is a shame, bc ur so sweet!! and also so fucking funny, why is everyone in this friend group so fucking funny, its not fair. i love seeing u on my dash talking with ur other friends, u always have the funniest convos ever. also? ur desktop theme is SO epic, it threw me off the first time i saw it but its so swaggy, just like u!! i love u soso much azzie, n i hope we can talk more in the future bc ur so cool

♡ @technosoot ♡ i love u even tho ur a br*t /j /j /j. jannat u are so unbelievably sweet. im so glad u joined the gc bc u are such a kind presence both in there and on my dash! u radiate very Warm, Friend energy. ur friend shaped. i love u so much n i love being friends with u!! im very eager to become closer friends with u bc u seem like a really amazing friend to have

♡ @sortasortaspicy ♡ les where are u in the gc i miss u </3 i love u so much, u fit in so well from the very beginning n brought so much more fun and laughter into the gc. i dont know u all that well n i dont think we’ve talked one on one like. at all. but id love to get closer to u bc ur so rad and ur so sweet!!

♡ EPIC PEOPLE  ♡

(aka mutuals who are so cool n id love to be friends with u pls talk to me)

@eurytherm ♡ @vampkings ♡ @weelbur ♡ @wilburtheesoot ♡ @quackityskarl ♡ @wimblrscoot ♡ @technofarmer ♡ @wooteena ♡ @bloodforblood ♡ @smpsapnap ♡ @literallynotfound ♡ @hearty-an0n ♡ @enderanboo ♡ @springbonniecpu ♡ @pandascanpvp ♡ @tommylnnits ♡ @strawberrygogy ♡ @timedeo ♡ @nymika-arts ♡ @h-isforhome ♡ @eboykarl ♡ @joe-alkaysani ♡ @betwecouldmakesome ♡ @squirrelstone ♡ @maddieandchimney

[jkirktrash]

Since i made a big dumb stupid earlier and accidentally hijacked a post earlier

Lets redo this

This is also just me partially ranting about the dream smp ao3 tagging stuff.

--

Dream smp this is directed at you guys mostly but. this can go for newer ao3 writers in gen tbh.

Tagging your characters in order of importance! Lots of older fandoms did this and unforunately it seems to have fallen out of habit with some newer fandoms (dsmp i am directly calling you out.) Tagging a character who is seen for a single chapter or less first is misleading. As someone who has been on ao3 a long time i would take that as the charcater is either the pov or a main character. In the dsmp fandom tag thats not how it usually goes. Im not sure if something in the system changed to where you cant order them as you please but if you can order them however you want please do order them correctly.

If a character is only mentioned or seen briefly please for the love of god tag them with mentioned or briefly. Or tag them at the very end! If a character is mentioned please say that. They are not a character in the fic they are simply part of the universe at that point.

If a romantic relationship is for one chapter or only a small bit of the story use the Char a/ Char b (briefly) tag. If a chip is only mentioned do Ca / Cb (mentioned)

If a relationship is one sided do Ca/Cb (onesided)

On another note! Your character that you are writing in the pov of likely has a centric tag! Check it out! If it does! Use it :).

For example: fundy fics often get lost in the "fundy is mentioned here but im not going to tell you he's only mentioned!" Fics! So instead of painstakingly trying to figure out which is which i lurk in the #fundy centric tag on ao3 :)! I've read every fic there! And so have many many other fundy fans. I'm sure any niki or awsamdude or ponk fans have similar tags! Using them will get your fics noticed!

Dont use slashes for platonic relationships! For example Ca/Cb (platonic) is not a valid ao3 tag. It will be put into the romance tag on ao3. Using that will drive your readers away! Romance is Ca/Cb and platonic is Ca&Cb!

Use many tags to describe whats in the fic. Say what the endgame ship is! Say the minute details! Say funny notes or small things that arent necessarily ao3 tags in your tags. Why? These things help people find content they like and often times, small things are what make a fic. I love searching up the technoblade and fundy tag with uncle technoblade! Why? Those are my fave fics even if the tags are small as hell! Since people tag them though i find them! Same will go for you and your readers!

To Writers who write 18+ content in the dsmp ao3 tag: actually use the 18+ tags. By this i mean what content is actually in your fic. I have stumbled across many fics that say explicit but because its tagged explicit and some times the actual 18+ content isnt i find sexual stuff instead of the gorey horror fics i was expecting (because like it or not those are often tagged explicit because of extreme violence)

Use your tags wisely and tag the content included. Tag your angst and your romance and you your mentions. Just make sure to tag correctly so everyone has a good time.

I dont mean to be rude or sound angry in this i just see it way too often and nothings changing in the tags.

If i said something wrong or got something incorrect please tell me! I am not a writer. Just an ao3 lurker! I may have been around a while but i dont know the ins and outs. I may have worded something wrong or just in general made a mistake. But i think everything i said is pretty general stuff! Remember even if the tag is small ao3 has a tag for almost everything and if they dont have it write it down anyways because it may just have more fics added to it and it will become a larger tag.

[fireandiceland]

Thank you for the tag @paperuniverse @maryeve-the-bitch @kitaychan and sorry for being late haha

1. Why did you choose your url?

When I first watched hetalia I loved the nordics and wanted something associated with them and I don't remember who exactly I came up with this but I like it a lot :)

2. Any side blogs?

Yes and this is one of them XD

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

I signed up in August 2013, this blog is roughly one year old tho.

4. Do you have a queue tag?

No I cant be bothered to tag that too. I already have such an elaborate tag system I dont need more tags.

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

I spammed my main with hetalia content and needed a different play for that.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

The valinentines art was so cute and I like thinking my icon is offering sweets to everyone who sees it <3

7. Why did you choose your header?

I made that edit in lik 10mins but techwear nordics is something I could stare at for hours so I went with that.

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

I think the face family beach meme?

9. How many mutuals do you have?

SO MANY. I was OVERWHELMED how many people reached out to me for my birthday so that put a new perspective onto that.

10. How many follows do you have?

despite some people lately thinking im 'tumblr famous' I have around 250 followers here =^.^=

11. How many people do you follow?

409 but theres some blogs among them that havent posted in years

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

No, everything I post is pure quality content /j

13. How many times do you use Tumblr a day?

my phone counts how many times I open which app and how long I was on there but I'm too afraid to even look at that cause im online like 14 hours a day probably

14. Have you ever had a fight with another blog?

No, I tend to block or ignore people when they annoy me with stuff, I'm too old and tired for fighting.

15. How do you feel about need to rb posts?

I dont like guilt tripping people into reblogging stuff. Yes, its the backbone of this website but I still cant be bothered to reblog something that says you HAVE to reblog if I dont want.

16. Do you like tag games?

I do most of the time just sometimes forget to do them when I see the notification when im busy

17. Do you like ask games?

Yes, I especially like when I can ask mutuals stuff that I would never have thought of without the ask game.

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

I know there's some mutuals that have 2k or more followers. does that count as famous? I dont keep track on that

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

I easily develop embarrassing little crushes on people so I guess the answer is yes? 👀💕

20. Tags

I'm late to the party was anyone not tagged at this point? If you see this and you want to do this, I got you you're tagged now

[thetriggeredhappy]

Youre stories are realy good! If it's not to much to ask could I get one with 51"i cant breath"? Somthing with scout and whoever you think would be could with it please. Maybe also somthing to do with panic attacks if I'm not asking to much. Please and thank!

welcome to Dad!Spy hours featuring spy being a good dad just this one time. (warnings for what’s included in the prompt, and claustrophobia. tag this as ship and i’ll straight up end you.)

51.) “I can’t breathe.”

The team had a whole host of jokes about the cave systems. They’d all been joking around for years that there’d be a cave-in one day. “Better hope we get stuck with Soldier and his shovel,” Demo often joked. In return, Soldier would say the same thing about Demo and his explosives.

Ironically, it was the enemy Soldier and Demo that got them into this situation there at the end of the humiliation round, right near the end of the day, a few pre-emptive rockets fizzing their way into the opening of the cavern, a grenade bouncing itself exactly wrong, two support beams being cracked and practically shattering, bringing the tunnel down on their heads.

Spy caught sight of the horrified stares of his surviving teammates up towards the ceiling, and then he himself looked up, and everything went black.

Not with him being knocked unconscious. The lights had been knocked out, and while Spy was feeling rather battered and bruised by the various rocks and beam chunks that fell down, he was fairly certain he’d remained awake the whole time.

The sound of collapse faded away, and the ringing in his ears followed. He slowly stood from his place in a defensive crouch on the ground, blinking rapidly, trying to let his eyes adjust to the darkness.

It was no good. He couldn’t see even the smallest pinprick of light. No access to the sun, then. Hopefully that didn’t mean there was no airflow.

He fished through his pocket for his matches, lighting one, looking around his immediate area.

That gave him some slight bearing on his location, seeing one of the medical lockers in what little light he had available. He was roughly the same place he’d been in when the lights went out, and was therefore trapped in the section of the tunnel between the Respawn room and the exit. It was possible that other members of the team had dove to safety in the Respawn room, which he’d been rather far from regardless, and if not they were likely simply crushed beneath rubble. Regardless, he imagined that he’d be able to handle being alone for however long it took to—

His eyes landed on a particularly red rock and a flash of white near the bottom of the medical locker, and he realized, no, wait, he wasn’t alone at all.

He bristled, lighting the next match in his case as the first reached the end of its lifespan, stepping over the rocks scattered on the ground, and went to inspect Scout.

He was limp, unmoving, unresisting to being rolled over onto his back. Spy picked up his arm, thumb over the inside of his wrist. He was bleeding sluggishly from a wound just above his eyebrow, and was clearly knocked out cold, but he wasn’t dead. The sight of Scout so battered, to Spy’s dismay, had yet to stop causing him to feel discomfort. Inconvenient.

Spy began to do some mental math. He was aware (through means he was not at liberty to discuss) that the average human could survive roughly an hour when struggling to escape from an airtight space roughly the size of a coffin before falling unconscious. The space they were in was significantly larger than a coffin—a good three meters in diameter, a good two and a half meters tall, uneven. But it was also considerably dusty, and Spy’s lungs were quite frankly terrible, and that idea didn’t factor in for conversation or a fire-based light source. He guessed they could both perhaps live for two hours.

He went about pulling pieces of beam from off the ground, getting rubbing alcohol and some of the excessive amounts of gauze from the cabinet and quickly improvising a small, contained fire. With a light source solidified, he spotted Scout’s headset on the ground a few feet away from him, and picked it up, holding it up to his ear and fiddling with the little radio attachment. No noise, not even static, came through, and he deemed it broken, tossing t aside, deciding that avenue to get help was a lost cause. He managed to locate some ammonia tablets in the cabinet, snapping one open and holding it beneath Scout’s nose.

The young man shook awake, disoriented, visibly freaked out. The moment he had what he clearly assumed was reasonable control over his motor functions, he jolted backwards, scrambling away, and slammed his head against the cabinet behind him.

An inhale, then Scout started swearing a blue streak that Spy knew he only could’ve inherited from his mother’s side of the family.

Spy slapped him on the arm, stopping him from reaching up to touch the various bumps on his head. “Don’t do that,” he snapped. “Sit up.”

Scout blinked up at him with reflexively watering eyes, still wincing. “Spy, what the fuck?” he asked, confused.

“Sit up. I need to bandage your wound,” Spy commanded.

Scout was still disoriented enough to actually listen to him for once (possibly a concussion), and Spy began to set to work wrapping up his head before he could get any further grime into his bloodstream. “What the fuck?” he repeated after a second, blinking rapidly, looking out the corner of his eye at the scene around them. “Tunnel collapsed.”

“Would you like to use an article in that sentence, or are you strictly set on nouns, verbs, and phrases that involve swearing?” Spy snarked, unimpressed. “Yes, the tunnel collapsed. And I am currently unsure if the Respawn room is more or less horrible than here, so I would prefer you sit still while I try and do this.”

Scout obliged, even if he was gradually beginning to fidget in a way that Spy knew meant the disorientation was fading fast. “We can’t get to Respawn? And where are the guys?”

“No, and presumably that is where the rest of the team is.”

Scout took a second to process that. “But… how much of the tunnels collapsed?” Scout asked slowly. “How do we know that Respawn didn’t collapse too?”

Spy, tying off the gauze, stopped for a moment, considering.

“Or… the lights went out, right?” Scout asked, eyes locking on one of the shattered lightbulbs, sat dormant not far away. “How do we know the electricity isn’t down? How do we know that… that any of the guys even lived?”

It took Spy a second to think of a good response to that. “Well, I do not see any gore in our vicinity,” he replied flatly. “If Respawn was down, it would not have picked up their corpses. They are all most likely alive.”

He finished dressing Scout’s wound and sat back. Scout felt at it with his fingertips. Spy batted his hand away again. “Uh, so what’s the plan?” Scout asked. “We gonna just… start digging, or…?”

Spy gave him a deadpan look.

Scout rubbed at his arms, brushing away what dirt was still sticking to him. “Okay, sheesh. Well, what, then we’re just gonna be stuck here?”

“I can assume the rest of the team will try to excavate out shortly. Assuming their attempts to do so do not bring the tunnel down on top of us, we may be able to use one of the Laborer’s teleporters to get out,” Spy reasoned aloud. God, he wished he could smoke a cigarette, but already the place was starting to feel a bit stuffy from the smell of the little fire.

Scout shifted slightly, sitting up a bit more. He seemed unsettled. “So the plan is just to hang tight, then?” he asked.

“Yes. And while I understand that remaining in one place and not bouncing off the walls tends to be an issue for you, understand that I have absolutely no qualms sending you to go bicker and argue with the rest of the team in the Respawn room,” Spy said bitterly.

Scout didn’t need to know that that wasn’t true.

So Scout promptly went, as Spy liked to think of it, on his “best behavior”. That is to say he curled up to sit cross-legged and shut his mouth, starting to fiddle with and pull something apart—this time it was a small chunk of wood that was sitting nearby, leaving a small pile of splinters just in front of him.

And to Spy’s mild confusion, Scout then bent his head forward, closing his eyes tightly as if in concentration.

Usually, Scout being on his “best behavior” lasted roughly as long as it took for him to take apart whatever he was fiddling with, an average of three to four minutes, less if he snagged a pocket knife off of someone in the vicinity.

But at some point, Scout stopped fiddling altogether, just frowning harder. Five minutes had passed of silence from Scout, and admittedly, Spy was starting to get… not antsy, absolutely not, he was an adult, a professional agent of espionage, he didn’t get antsy. Suspicious might be the better word.

“What are you doing?” Spy asked, putting in the minimum effort to keep from sounding too immediately accusatory.

Scout puffed out an annoyed breath, apparently having been holding it for a few moments. “Nothin’,” he said. “Fiddlin’,” he amended, returning to messing with the block of wood between tightly-taped hands.

Spy bit back a positively pedestrian joke about not realizing Scout could play music, and further not realizing that he had access to a string instrument just then, to instead glare in preparation for Scout perhaps looking at him. “You’re being quiet.”

“You literally just told me to,” Scout groused, brow furrowing further, the look of such features far too familiar, too much like looking in a mirror.

“What are you planning?” Spy pressed.

“I’m not planning anything,” Scout argued. “I’m just… thinkin’.”

That was dangerous for the both of them. “What about?”

“If I tell you, will you shut up?” Scout asked, sighing heavily.

“Of course.”

Scout’s fiddling stalled for only a second. “I’m just, tryin’ to remember songs and stuff. Run through the lyrics in my head. Keepin’ distracted.”

A short pause. “That’s ridiculous.”

“You said you’d shut up!” Scout groaned, opening his eyes briefly to glare up at the ceiling, then promptly returning to his hunched position.

Spy bit back a patronizing comment about how sitting like that would ruin Scout’s back. “Why do you need to distract yourself, exactly? Is it that difficult to keep your mouth shut for longer than ten minutes?”

Scout dropped the piece of wood into his lap, scrubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Look, I don’t wanna talk about it,” Scout snapped.

“You realize I will continue asking regardless.”

Another heavy sigh, scrubbing harder. When he dropped his hands, there was a bit of grime smeared across Scout’s cheeks from the dirt. They were closed tightly. “I’ve just got a thing about bein’ stuck in small spaces, okay?” he snapped, less confidently. “And maybe it’s…” He sighed again. “Maybe I’m just a little freaked out.”

Spy understood immediately. Unfortunately, his hard-won instinct to keep Scout at a safe emotional distance with harshness and bite leapt up before he could say anything comforting. “Don’t be ridiculous. Why are you getting so worked up?” he asked.

Another sharp huff. “You already said this place’ll probably come down on our heads any minute, here,” Scout pointed out, squeezing his eyes shut harder. “And I’m tryin’ not to think about it. So I’m just runnin’ through song lyrics and stuff. Baseball stats. Whatever doesn’t involve,” another huff of air, “thinkin’ about just fuckin’, suffocating and dying under a metric shit-ton of rocks and dirt.”

“What are you doing?” Spy asked, brows furrowed.

“Fuckin’ what?” Scout snapped.

“Your breathing. Why are you doing that?” Spy asked, noting the way that Scout’s chest rose and fell in sharp bursts, all wrong.

Scout paused, considered himself, then his eyes snapped open and he swore another blue streak, leaping up and moving to the medical locker.

“Mother fucker,” he enunciated, practically throwing things out onto the ground. “Really?! This is gonna happen now?!”

Spy dodged a roll of medical tape. “What are you talking about?!” he snapped.

“Fuckin’—oh, sorry, I thought you’re the—“ A huff of air. “—I thought you’re the guy who knows everything, huh? Didn’t know?”

Spy, who was admittedly flicking through what information he had about Scout, glared. “If you tell me what’s wrong, have you considered that I might be able to help?” he said, a bit huffy himself now.

“Like you’d even help me,” Scout scoffed, then coughed, narrowly avoiding knocking out a whole box of gauze. “Fuckin’—damn it!”

“Just tell me!” Spy insisted.

“When I was—a kid,” Scout managed, breathing labored, using one of the bottom shelves as a foothold so he could look up towards the top shelves, “I was—my Ma had all these kids, and, fuck, I dunno, I just—I guess somethin’ was, was wrong, and—and I got born too early or somethin’, and was all sick and, fucked up for a long time—“

Spy’s heart caught in his throat. He knew this part well. It was the part he’d been present for. He set his jaw, fighting back whatever expression was trying to surface.

“—and then I, I started to get better, when I was, startin’ to learn to talk an’ stuff, and movin’ around, and we thought I was just better,” Scout managed to gasp. “But my lungs were still all fucked up until I, I was maybe fifteen, and the Doc said when I got here that, that I’d probably had asthma, that if I’d just gone to a doctor over it, maybe somethin’ could’ve, been—“

Scout swayed, only barely catching himself, stepping down, gripping the shelves hard, other hand dragging up through his hair.

“—he said I wouldn’t get these no more, that my lungs were, all better now, but, showed me what to do any, ways, just in case, and I think all the dust and the, the fire smell and, the—“ Scout swayed again, resting his forehead against the cool metal of the door of the shelving unit. “I, fuck. I can’t breathe. Fuck.”

Spy was already on his feet. He took hold of Scout’s shoulder, turning him around, guiding him to sit down. “Stop talking, focus,” he instructed, not as sharp as he would’ve wanted. He fished through his own jacket pockets, and finally handed Scout a small plastic device. “Here.”

Scout took it in shaking hands, and managed to look it over. His eyes widened, and he glanced up at Spy. “You’ve—why do you—have—“ he tried.

Spy tugged on Scout’s arm, and finally Scout shut up, moving to take a controlled puff off of the inhaler, eyes falling closed.

A few beats of pause, Scout visibly trying to control his breathing, hand shaking severely. No visible change. “Sit up straight. Head back a bit. Try again,” Spy instructed, guiding him to do so as he spoke. “Breathe in slowly. It should take a few moments to begin to set in.”

Scout followed his instructions despite the tremors wracking him. Twenty seconds passed, still no change. “Why do you have—an inhaler?” Scout asked, breath a wheeze.

“Try again.” A series of conflicting emotions passed through Spy. “The Doctor gave one to me to deal with my weakened lungs. I’ve been smoking heavily for decades, and it has revealed previous problems with my lungs.”

Scout nodded absently, head tipping forward. He started to curl up in towards himself. “I don’t think—it’s working,” Scout managed, panic rising in his voice.

A lightbulb went off in Spy’s head, followed by a stab of pain in his chest as realization sunk in.

He went to try and take the inhaler from Scout, but it was held tight in his grip, only the firmness of the plastic casing making sure he didn’t crush the device and it’s contents. He gave up on that, instead sitting down next to Scout, shoulder-to-shoulder.

“Scout, you are not having an asthma attack,” he said, unable to help the patience in his tone. “You are having a panic attack.”

Scout’s brow furrowed further, knees curling up closer to himself. “No I’m—not,” he protested.

Spy went through the internal argument on his next move, his survival instinct telling him to just move to the other side of the room and pretend he didn’t care at all, to let Scout hyperventilate himself unconscious, his paternal instinct telling him to pull Scout close to his chest and rock him until the fear went away, the same way he did when Scout was just a sickly infant struggling for his next breath between helpless sobbing. He split the difference, putting a hand on Scout’s shoulder. “Yes you are. You’re scared because we are trapped in a small space, and you are deeply claustrophobic, and the situation is dangerous, and we do not know if the team is safe,” he said, voice calm, patient.

Scout shook his head in denial, a hand moving to pick at the gauze on his head. Spy pulled it away again carefully with his free hand before he could open the wound again, squeezing Scout’s wrist.

“Those are all completely reasonable things to be scared of,” Spy said softly. “I’m also quite nervous. But I need for you to calm down.”

“Easy for—you to—“ Scout tried to gasp, but gave up, voice falling to a whine, nearly a sob, hand moving to grip at Spy’s tightly enough to almost hurt.

“I know. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying you’ll be able to do this quickly. But this will pass, and you can help speed it along.” Scout didn’t reply. “I’m going to start counting aloud. If you cannot start making your breathing slow down, you can at least begin to even it out and make it regular. Understand?”

Scout managed a motion that might’ve been a nod.

Spy counted calmly—not too quickly, not too slowly—from one to ten. Then he did so again. And again. To help himself keep time, he tried to think of a song in his mind to count along to. He remembered some tune he’d picked up when he first attempted to learn to play piano.

By the time he’d gone through the song once, counting along steadily, Scout was at least following a steady rhythm in his breathing. Inhaling for one-two, pausing, exhaling for four-five-six. Spy started counting on an eight rhythm, and soon Scout had shifted to follow it, inhaling one-two-three, pause, exhaling five-six-seven-eight. Spy carefully slowed his tempo, a bit too slowly for Scout to likely notice in his state.

He stopped counting, and Scout’s breathing, while still shaky, was at least fairly regular and normal. “Do you feel better?” Spy asked after giving Scout a moment to just exist.

Scout squeezed his hand again, making the leather of Spy’s glove creak. “A little,” he answered, voice weak in a way that made Spy’s heart creak. A pause, Scout trying to figure out his words. “Just the. Breathing part,” he elaborated, unsteady.

Spy looked at him, then towards the fire as it sputtered suddenly. “Would talking help?” he asked. “I know that tends to be a crutch for you.”

Scout looked over at him, visibly confused, presumably by the lack of insult in Spy’s tone when he said that. He looked away again after a second. “No,” he finally said. “I just wanna… keep breathing.”

“Would me talking help?” Spy asked next.

Scout considered the question. He shrugged, aimless. “I-I dunno,” he managed.

Spy hummed. He thought for a moment, then began telling the first story that came to mind—another time he’d been trapped in a cave, albeit for different reasons. He spoke in French only, aware that this story contained details that were a bit embarrassing, and conflicted with a more self-aggrandizing version of it that he’d already told to the team at some meal in the past. Admittedly, outright lying to Scout just then felt excessively cruel, even by Spy’s standards, but he didn’t feel quite right telling the full, honest truth. Speaking honestly in a language Scout didn’t understand felt like a safe middle ground.

By the end of that story, then another one, then another one, Scout had relaxed again, sagging, visibly exhausted from his ordeal. Spy couldn’t see his watch, but he estimated that perhaps an hour had passed. The air felt thick, but not chokingly so, and warm from the heat of the fire having nowhere to go. There was still fear in the back of Spy’s mind, but it had turned to a non-present sort of fear, waiting to be called back rather than lingering in the center of his attention.

“Hey,” Scout said suddenly. “How did you know how to do that?”

“How to do what?” Spy asked.

“Calm someone down.”

Spy considered the array of answers he could give to that, and went, both despite himself and through great effort, with the honest one. “I don’t, not really,” Spy shrugged. “I simply did what I thought would help.”

“Why?” Scout asked, voice either very tired or simply sad. “You don’t even like me. You barely put up with me.”

Spy’s chest constricted. “I’m not cruel, Scout,” he chided.

Scout sagged. A pause. “What happened to my hat?”

“What?”

“My hat. My hat’s gone,” Scout said. “What happened to it?”

Spy hummed, then disconnected all points of contact with Scout—first releasing his hand, then taking his hand from his shoulder, then leaning away so there was no contact between their torsos. He then stood, moving across the room to the area he’d thrown Scout’s headset to pick it back up, pulling his hat from beneath the rock he’d found the headset beside. He handed both to Scout.

Scout’s eyes lit up. “Wait, holy shit, we still have my radio?” he asked, taking it and starting to fiddle with it.

Spy pulled the hat onto Scout’s head, snorting at how strangely it sat on him with the bulk of the gauze there as well. “Yes, but it’s broken,” Spy said.

Scout reached inside the earpiece, flicking some switch. The radio buzzed to life, humming the sound of static and white noise faintly from it. “Uh, no it’s not,” Scout said, raising an eyebrow at him briefly. “It was just turned off to save the battery between rounds.”

Spy blinked, watching as Scout flicked the dial in practiced, precise motions. “…Oh,” he said, feeling extremely stupid.

“Yeah. Hold on, I’ve got this,” Scout said simply, pulling the headset on and flicking the mic down, still fiddling with the dial even as he pressed the talk button. “This is Scout, rotating through all radio channels, does anyone copy? We’re still alive down here, we need some help. Anyone there? Repeat, this is Scout, rotating broadcast, anyone listening?”

Scout repeated himself a few times, flicking the dial every few rounds of sentences. He stopped suddenly on one, perking up. Spy perked up as well, eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, yeah, copy that!” he chirped, excited. “Only just now found comms. Where’s everyone else? Over.”

Silence for a few moments, and Scout ticked off on his fingers as he listened, coming up at seven.

“Yeah, I’ve got Spy with me right here. We’re fine, just, uh, some bruising. Over.”

“I believe Scout has a concussion,” Spy added, leaning forward and raising his voice to speak through Scout’s mic.

Scout rolled his eyes, still holding the talk button. “You gotta say ‘over’, man. C’mon. Uh, anyways. Nothing real bad. Our only issue might be air pretty soon, we’ve got a fire to see but it doesn’t look like we’ve got any way out. Is Respawn up? Over.”

Silence. Scout went pale as he listened for a few moments. Spy could only faintly make out what sounded like the Engineer’s drawling cadence, muffled.

“Oh god. Okay. Uh, so should we start digging to find surface? Over?”

Silence again for a long few moments. Spy resisted the urge to tap his foot. Scout frowned suddenly, shifting.

“You’re crackling, you cut out for a second. Repeat last?”

Silence for a few beats.

“Copy that. We’ll just hang tight. I’ll keep comms on. Tell us if we get power back up. Over.”

Silence. A short burst of speech.

“Copy. Over and out.”

Scout pulled his hand down, looking over at Spy. “So, uh, power’s down. They’ve got light, and radios up, but the machines are down. No Respawn.”

Spy’s blood went cold. “Ah. I see.”

Scout shifted on his feet. “Uh. Yeah. Everyone’s fine, it managed to spit out what people got picked up before the tunnel collapsed, and Soldier and Heavy got knocked out, but Medic’s got everyone on their feet. They’re workin’ to dig us out, and they’ve made headway. Shouldn’t be long, they said. Apparently the Doc and Engie are on some James Bond improv shit tryin’ to get power back, and Soldier woke up and just started goin’ apeshit with the shovel.”

“Hm. Hopefully our Demoman doesn’t allow him to bring down more rubble,” Spy said dryly.

“Heh. Yeah. He was in the background yelling.”

Quiet for a moment.

“Anyways.” Scout handed over the inhaler that Spy had outright forgotten about. “Got anything else hidden in that Jacket of Holding?”

Spy hummed, tucking the inhaler back away and fishing for a moment. “Currently? I have three knives and two guns, my disguise kit, matches, a sapper, a pocket watch, a flask—ah, my apologies, four knives including the Swiss Army knife—and two things which I will not be telling you about.”

Scout fished in his own pockets. “I’ve got like, gum and pocket change and some string.”

“Why string?”

“For tyin’.”

…Fair.

Spy fished once more, suddenly remembering one pocket he didn’t check. “Ah. I do have—“ He pulled the item forth. “A deck of cards. No jokers, however.”

“Why no jokers?”

Spy shrugged. “They were gone when I stole them.”

Scout took the box, drawing the deck and starting to shuffle it. “Well, at least we’ve got somethin’ to do besides freakin’ out,” he said. Spy noticed that Scout still wasn’t prepared to look at the ceiling or walls around them, but he decided that was fair.

“Indeed.”

Scout finished shuffling, looking up at Spy with his characteristic grin right back in place as he took a seat on the ground. “You know how to play crazy eights?”

Spy raised an eyebrow. “Is that not the game you got in a fistfight over with Soldier because you cheated?”

“Damn right.”

Spy hummed, sitting across from him. “Very well. Let us play.”

[alukaforyou]

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

[silkpunk]

2020 20 Fact Game

tagged by @venom-and-mania :/

1. Do you make your bed? 

Ya but only coz if i dont, there's no space in my room. I sleep on a mattress on the floor, & daytime i put my pillows aside & place the mattress up against the wall 😪

2. What’s your favourite number? 

8, for superstitious reasons.

3. What’s your job?

Biomed research stuff :/

4. If you could, would you go back to school?

Yeah I'd love to do postgrad work in postcolonial literature / studies !! But too dumb, too broke ✊😔

5. Can you parallel park? 

Maybe if i had like 20 mins lol... i don't drive often

6. A job you had which would surprise people? 

Nothing comes to mind but when I graduated I was super despo and applied to a lot of random roles including copywriter & train traffic controller.

7. Do you think aliens are real? 

Yeah definitely, but probably not near enough for us to detect... the universe is inconceivably vast...

8. Can you drive a manual car? 

Nope my license is for automatic cars only.

9. What’s your guilty pleasure? 

tarantino films, angelspit & msi... maybe brit panel shows? enjoying anything from the colonial centre makes me feel :/ being enamoured by any european art makes me feel that way too, to a degree. actually as much as i love it, academia - including the hashtag woke fields - is kind of a guilty pleasure since its so easily susceptible to ivory tower syndrome... also xueyang mo dao zu shi and elias magnus archives

10. Tattoos? 

No :(

11. Favourite colour?  

The first that came to mind was cosmic latte 😩

12. Things people do that drive you crazy?  Accumulate an obscene amount of resources & wealth. Also, locally, i cant stand how much praise SG (& other comparable "highly developed highly educated overachieving" asian cities like HK & Seoul) gets for its high concentration of wealth bcos only a small proportion of the population benefits... for the majority of people in the middle or working class,, i dont see much improvement in our median quality of life despite *~national economic growth~*. Also we keep getting high results on international education assessments like PISA which sucks coz internationally people would try to emulate our edu system and domestically the edu ministry would believe theyre on the right track,, but the system is so cutthroat and punishing... to survive in school ur not allowed to have a life & i hate how normalized it is for 11yos here to have schedules packed with school & remedials & tuition & extra-curriculars... I hate how closely our military cooperates with & emulates Israel's... Also i hate how people like to jack off to our skyline & sleek new infrastructure but almost all of its built by underpaid migrant workers in bad living conditions.

13. Any phobias? 

I hate planes & boats 😩 Like enough to turn me off travelling 😭

14. Favourite childhood sport? 

Swimming

15. Do you talk to yourself?  

Yeah, what about it...

16. What movie do you adore?  

Unfortunately reservoir dogs (1992) & fallen angels (1995) were the 1st to come to mind,, i had spent a long time obsessed with them... some others: 15 (2003), tian zhu ding (2013), & possession (1981)

17. Do you like doing puzzles? 

Not particularly!

18. Favourite kind of music? 

usually experimental / prog / math rock? probably anything unexpected 😂

19. Tea or coffee?

either!

20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up?

teacher coz that was the only job i knew existed...

I tag @applejee @waxwingedhawks @elegiesforshiva @anime-freakchow,, do if you want!