#i cant keep living like this it's exhausting | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yikesforever · 15 days ago

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#i need vent but i dont want to burden anybody about it #but like everything feels wrong #i hate hate hate being at my job or any job in fact cause my body is so bad at keeping up with society #i feel like i am also bad at keeping up eith society #there is so much pressure to be everything and perfect #there is so much pressure to know what im going to do #im only one person but feel like i am supposed to be a whole family in one person #i cant keep living like this it's exhausting #this is what life is supposed to be it fully sucks #then the one person i actually like is doing something completely and utterly different from what i want #and ibe only known them just over a month so i cant factor them in yet #and they are allergic to dogs which wont work for me i need a dog in my life #i want to move to colorado and have a found family and a community garden snd bunch of dogs #and i want to help the environment and the community

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fairycosmos · 5 months ago

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i am once again wishing killing yourself was easy

#i literally cant keep doing this and living like this no matter how hard i try nothings changing for the better #it's so demoralising so exhausting i miss my sister and i wish i had proper friends #tw suicide

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nabaath-areng · 1 month ago

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Having to micromanage your entire physical battery day in and day out is so exhausting, especially when your ability fluctuates without rhyme or reason with every single day. I'm starting to have to reframe how I view and tackle my task lists because otherwise the grief and frustration becomes so much that I get nothing done. I'd love to complete the entire list today, but I'm gonna have to limit myself to ticking off two tasks just so I don't burn myself out to the point of being unable to do anything later...

#and even then thats no guarantee since i could feel super sick later without warning #OR maybe i feel superdupergood and can do them all no problem and THEN some #but then i also have to prepare for being bedridden after if i dont keep track of how much energy i burn #the event horizon of which ALSO changes daily lmfao #meanwhile people assume youre lucky or even privileged for this #as if being homebound for your safetys sake and spending most of the time being unable to really do anything #is anything worth envying. people assume youre resting when frankly youre just keeping your face above the water #i dont have a choice either. i gave up all my dreams and ambitions just for the sake of trying to survive for once #i WANT to have a life i WANT to have the power to be independent and not be at the mercy of others until the day i die #god sorry URGH its so hard to not feel sad and hopeless and almost bitter about this sometimes #its so hard not to feel alienated and embarrassed by the fact that you practically live in a different reality to people #people whose lives revolve around careers and working to the point where they cant comprehend you as a disabled individual #and what that means beyond the assumption that being chronically ill and overall impaired is a choice and moral failire #whether or not people are aware of that baseline assumption concretely #and i feel stupid and annoying for whining about this when i have so much to be grateful for #just. guhhhhhhhhh idfk. i SHOULD get started here but i can barely move out of bed #exhaustion is killing me i miss going on daily walks my house feels like a prison #i need to stop moping im already spiralling lmfao #trying not to close my eyes lest i pass out yet again despite having gotten more than 12 hours of sleep #cause apparently to my stupid body thats not enough to even stand up #silvi talks

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robotpussy · 25 days ago

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didn't think 2024 could be worse than 2023, last year I got evicted for basically no reason and my neighbour spat on me after she falsely accused me of assault. this year my mum died and my health got worse because of my job and spent the entire time I was unemployed going to the hospital everyday for my mother. I hope I die next year because it just seems to be going downhill from here

#like i will never be able to afford to move out of here. my aunt has been pestering my sister and i to move in together #but my sister doesn't want go rent and wants to buy a house..... with what money? 😭 in this economy?#like im desperate to move out of here but shes making it so hard rn why cant we rent #in the meantime and work towards a house? there are other reasons as to why #we both need to move out from where we're currently living but yk #can't get a job. have literally been applying for work for months now and i keep getting rejected #cant even go back to university because i cant afford to pay off my debt and get my degree #and yea yea i can change the way things are im just exhausted i dont even know if i want to continue #whats the point

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lokh · 1 month ago

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at this point i have to assume the ongoing chest pain is from living in this fucking house

#no apparent heart problem. if its somehow a muscle ache that has persisted >6 months #then its also managed to Not be from noticeable muscle damage while still lasting that long #and if its not the stress from being here then idk. cancer does show up in the family 💀#if it is just a muscle ache then i would like it to be over #but my god man. im gonna lose it #the problem with living in ur parents house is that they will make fuck ass decisions abt it #and u cant do anything Esp if ur freeloading lmao #maybe im just prone to stressing myself out like a fucking tarsir #*tarsier. but like goddddd #tfw theres a million unfinished and contributing things to a possible infestation #like. tell me why the bathtub has been unusable for probably a year now #and also theres a HUGE HOLE IN THE WALL WHERE THE EXHAUST GOES THRU!!!!!!#that they probably knew about but apparently didnt think was a concern #and when approached about 'hey i dont think (liquid) fumigation is gonna last if u dont fix this'#the response is 'thats why u fumigate every like 6 months'#NO??? FIX THIS FUCKING HOUSE?#AND THEN LIQUID FUMIGATION TOO???? AURGHHHHHHHH #anyways also have to assume its not like. actual physical environment problem #spent two weeks out of house and it persisted. but i suppose if its bad enough #it would do that...?? but then why is no one else in the house suffering -_-#either its extremely localised to my room or its straight up not that #dad keeps insisting its long covid. near as i can tell ive never caught covid #while its possible it was low/no symptom im relying on the fact that no one else got sick in the house #and when people get sick in the house i do test also. and its always negative. but who knows

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philiponmycracker · 1 month ago

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Your absolute darling but also the most tired-of-your-bs boyfriend, Henry Clerval (Tom Hulce) - Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (dir. Kenneth Branagh, 1994)

Part I / II

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pkmoth · 4 months ago

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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself

#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated #and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it #if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place #but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself #continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone #and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner #you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter #and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault #maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life #saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do #so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time #your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going #and then at the end of your journey #you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey #the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them #is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save #so um. The Guilt is even worse now #now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control #and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad #but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally #you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful #things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be #its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma #you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch #but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander #FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it #mother 3 swap au #mothfics

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semiotomatics · 3 months ago

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lol. i think ive reached my limit.

#i just cannot take this torture anymore #ive been at the mercy of this horrible disease for over half my life now #imagine living knowing that roughly every 3.5 weeks youre going to experience the most excruciating pain of your life #along with crushing. usually suicidal depression. and such extreme fatigue and exhaustion that you easily sleep for 14+ hours a DAY #AND ITS ALL FOR FUCKING *NOTHING*#there is literally ZERO benefit or reason for me to be experiencing this #it is 100% extraneous #and even if you go to a dr and try to get treatment their only recommendation is 1) pain killers and/or 2) birth control #which both come with their own fucking share of unpleasant side effects #not to mention theyre not even 100% effective at stopping the problem in the first FUCKING place #and imagine even tho you have this DEBILITATING DISORDER society at large has decided it straight up DOESNT EXIST #to the point where REAL ACTUAL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS will dismiss your symptoms #not to mention people in your life who dont understand or just straight up dont believe your disorder is real #good luck keeping a job or any other major commitments #considering you'll either be out of commission for like. 1 out of ever 4 weeks #or youll have to work/whatever WHILE experiencing said excruciating pain/crushing depression/debilitating exhaustion #not to mention the GI issues and the migraines and the brain fog and the fucking. full body aches #wanna go to a concert? or plan a vacation? or just. fucking. RELAX? you better hope its not during Hell Week or youre outta luck #and youve got roughly 30-40 YEARS of this to look forward to #maybe less IF YOURE LUCKY #im fucking over it #i cant take it anymore #im making an appt to see a dr and i WILL NOT LEAVE THEIR OFFICE until they have referred me to whoever i have to talk to to make this stop #my fucking fury at having to live like this has officially outweighed my fear of invasive procedures/recovery time/side effects #let along the torture that is navigating the medical care system as an AFAB #i just. i cant do this anymore.#i want to fucking LIVE #fuck

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dollya-robinprotector · 1 year ago

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So yeah the b-day girl can't afford to have time drawing for herself but wanna celebrate nonetheless. So let's throw back this full-color piece I did last year and be proud of it once more!

I achieved a lot of things this year, and even though I'd never had enough tolerance to love this weak and hopeless self, just for today I will give me a word of encouragement and a hug for all the achievements that I had to struggle to achieve.

For only one day let's hope I'll be gentle with myself, to brace myself for another year of struggle to come.

✨✨ Cheer! ✨✨

#Non dol posting #ask box will have to wait more I'm hella busy now I collapsed at work 2 days ago so I can't draw to answer just yet #I do want to draw Lya and Robin and DoL soon they're like my comfort zone #this site is my comfort zone #if only we don't have to try so hard just to keep on living #existential crisis every birthday #every year #every month #it's like a curse #why do I live #jk #jk jk jk #need to draw some dol soon or I'll have break down again #being sad is exhausted I cant be sad #I have to make more money #and keep going #keep living #yeah

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softshuji · 1 year ago

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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh

#i just find it like so unfair yknow #im the only one who works in myhouse and full time #but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put #my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but #i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger #its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad #and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility #and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough #and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother #said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9 #and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time #constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers #and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either #its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they #cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl #thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on #im just tired and upset #its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing #im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf #oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this #and yk what #thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is #i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return #or if not #theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them #i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me #its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me

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clawsextended · 1 month ago

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today was my first christmas without my aunt. today was my first christmas i’ve ever woken up alone. why does grief have to feel so hollow and so heavy at once.

#ooc. o kaptain.#[I cant stop thinking about how last year was the last christmas we would ever have together. it keeps hitting me. I’ve tried my best never #ever to take a moment for granted but this hurts more than I can explain. this has been the worst year of my life. I’m absolutely shattered.#last year I was thinking about how lucky I was to still live with my parent. last year I was literally just appreciating the fact that I #even had the opportunity. I miss her so much it’s immeasurable. I would take back anything if I could. any fucking thing. I would use the #talk to me hand and I can say that without hesitation. judge me for it. I’m gonna go write because i have to do… something.#can’t believe I’ve been sick for like three days. today just… didn’t matter. not because I didn’t want it to. but largely because I didn’t #even have the energy to be present and I’m ALSO horribly congested. and like… who cares? I’m an abstraction of a concept. I’m gonna make a #bad decision and go play marvel rivals while I write shit on mobile. I’m physically completely exhausted and I actually can’t explain where #my head is at. which means I’m just gonna play iron fist like all the way thru.]#death /#family death /#parental death /#CLAWS RETRACTED.

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barley-st-band · 3 months ago

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anyone else getting a little tired of the unending horror

#she speaks #truly cannot keep living like this gang!#burned out and stressed constantly to a level that i keep thinking will plateau #only for it to keep somehow getting worse #idk if y’all know this but being a teacher in america is truly a completely unsustainable job #it verges on deliberate cruelty the shit we’re just supposed to handle and be ok with every day #and the expectations we’re supposed to be able to meet #with very little time to plan or prepare let alone rest #tomorrow i literally have no planning time #so i won’t get a single break outside of like 20 minutes for lunch if i’m lucky #and then we have a grade level meeting after school that i didn’t know about until literally today #bc we need to have report card comments done by tomorrow.#which you’ll never guess!! we also didn’t know about/weren’t reminded of until today!!#and maybe that’s on me but admin normally puts out so much stuff about it ahead of time #and this time we got literally nothing #and now i’ve had to cancel my therapy appointment right when i probably need it the most #and since it’s less than 24 hours i might get charged for it 🙃#i haven’t vacuumed in months and my car inspection is 3 months overdue #i wake up exhausted every single day and come home so overwhelmed i can barely talk #and yet things keep fucking happening every single day #and it all just keeps compounding #and i have no other option but to keep pushing through and hope it doesn’t literally kill me #this can’t be all there is. it can’t keep feeling like this forever. when does it get better i cant keep doing this

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angstflavoured · 15 days ago

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everytime i see an au where they erase jimmy and all the games messaging just to make the characters happy, an angel loses its wings because i killed it out of anger.

#mouthwashing #esp if they just inclue curly!! in the happiness!!!!#ohhh my god i cant keep doing it like actually 90% of the shit i see now pisses me off #i hate fix-its i hate fix-its i hate fix-its i hate fix-its i hate fix-its i hateeeeeeeeee fix-its I HATTTTEEEE FUCKING FIX-ITS??!????#like ppl who're like “au where Arthur morgan doesnt get sick and lives happily with mary!!!” now why you think all that happened huh .......#like what do ppl not get it just hurts my brain #erase all of their character development for their own comfort and ignore all the messages and lessons and #everyone still acts like they understood it snd lowq they did in only the most surfacelevel way that anyone who played it would #if you just want jimmy to die--#and anya snd curly to get married--#im not sorry to say that you dont get their characters in the slightest. you missed the point snd need to self reflect like im so sick of--#reiterating this point a million fucking times its getting exhausting

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yaoianimeremade · 10 months ago

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Soon im rly gonna do it

#🕸️#sui mention #< in the tags tho cuz it feels nicer to talk abt this in tags than in the post itself cuz to me posts are like talking normally but tags are #like whispering? talking you can tune out if you want but whispering is rather more voluntary to say it doesnt matter however #every single year passes and i wish i didnt live in each and every one of them i feel disconnected dissatisfied empty disappointed every day #it can be a small part of a day or a bigger but its still there clenching onto me like and never letting go im tired of it theres always a #wall between me and otyer ppl im unsure if i put it there or was it put there by other ppl but its there and even if anyone tries to reach #into it do i understand how even if close are we really far away it makes me understand just how much of an abnormality i am and how much i #cant ever be like them no matter how much i try and climb and crawl until i bleed its exhausting its maddening #almost everything i do is shaped by spite i wear one bracelet for years out of spite i dont smoke out of spite i dont shave my hands not #only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is #to keep them at a lenght outside that wall if they get in then theres only two choices for them to dislike me or even hate my entire being #or me to shove them back out without ever letting them get in #coworkers say im a nice kind person but im not its all just a facade to make my life easier and to suit myself im hateful but i dont believe #its entirely my fault after all they will to my face make fun of. laugh at. and hate everything of me they would see in other ppl that dont #hide it deep within like i do and then it rly hits me how different abnormal foul disgusting and unnatural i am #im hit with his every talk that goes on too long every word that keeps going every touch every expression every comment made on my behalf #its exhausting to live this way i fear im near my limit i havent reached it but who knows when i will #i sometimes dream of doing it and leaving behind a note wishing nothing but painful suffering to everyone i ever knew irl but i dont want to #do that to my best friends and my dog but who knows how long its left before the thread breaks #thats all like comment and subscribe if you personally would do me a favor by taking me out back and shooting me

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago

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...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated

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itsalwaysdark · 3 months ago

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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF

#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid #but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil #i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl #spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but #i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to #afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like #vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you #should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done #with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt #but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen #but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the #way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so #tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me #sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and #it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there #nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having #to work for the rest of my life #ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be #Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes #all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does #but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its #back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until #i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep #and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice #days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends #IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so #dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like #its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going

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