#i cant function with other people is it clear yet

[3liza]

my sleep physician says i have obstructive sleep apnoea and what is basically narcolepsy (my sleep latency is too long but they think it’s linked to my cpap use or something) and he’s prescribed modafinil. do you have any thoughts on it? i seem to remember you talking about it at one point but obviously tumblr search function sucks.

also kudos to him for being maybe the only specialist who took my concerns seriously in our first appt and scheduled sleep studies there and then and i didn’t have to look for another doctor who wouldn’t just tell me to lose weight.

modafinil is a really interesting drug, lets see if i can summarize what i think i know about it without misinforming anyone.

modafinil is still sort of a mystery drug. we know it works and that it has a good safety profile, but we dont know exactly how. it's a central nervous system stimulant, but the more occult behaviors of the drug aren't clear. it temporarily blocks the part of your brain that perceives that you are tired. it does not actually rest you, or lessen your sleep debt, but it allows your brain to temporarily ignore it. if you have chronic sleep deprivation and/or fatigue (these may be the same thing but thats a different post), then shutting off your interoception of tiredness can make you smarter, more alert, less anxious, more focused, etc. this is theorized to be what is causing the "nootropic" effect that modafinil is credited with on reddit. its unclear if modafinil provides any cognitive benefits to people who arent sleep deprived, but so far most studies have said no.

so even though its an excellent temporary way to ignore fatigue, i dont think doctors who deal with sleep disorders are focusing enough (or sometimes at all) on making sure the patient improves the quality and duration of their actual sleep. without actual decent sleep everyone just continues to sicken gradually. modafinil wont help with that, the doctor also needs to be actively working on fixing whatever is going on with the narcolepsy and apnea (although the narcolepsy may just be a manifestation of your sleep deprivation).

modafinil can give you a mood boost but usually doesnt cause euphoria like many other stimulants can, so it has largely replaced amphetamines in the united states military (especially air force) as a combat drug. it stacks well with caffeine. in my experience it does not stack well with adderall and will also sometimes just block adderall completely. everyone's drug metabolism is really really different so you wont know until you try it how it can affect you

contraindications/warnings: modafinil is a histamine-dumping monster. if you have allergies or problems with mast cells, modafinil has a strong likelihood of making them worse (until the dose runs out, not permanently). it can also shoot itself in the foot and end up being useless or making you sleepier if your histamine load gets bad enough. theoretically you could derail the histamine dump with antihistamines but i havent found a combination that works yet

modafinil is also sometimes dogshit for people who get migraines, depending on what is causing your migraines. modafinil causes neck and shoulder clenching and dehydration, and those two things in combination with the histamine load = instant migraine for a lot of people including myself

its important to drink 10x the amount of water (with electrolytes) you usually drink when youre on modafinil (another reason i cant take it successfully). dehydration is the hardest side effect to manage. also, it often takes many hours to kick in, so if youre in that boat, it's annoying to time correctly. a lot of people set an alarm for like an hour before they have to get up, take the modafinil, go back to sleep, and it's kicked in by the time they have to get up. you can take it sublingually but it tastes sooo bad. also the half-life is about 8 hours, so it can sometimes still be active when youre trying to go to bed that night

modafinil is a cyp3a4 inducer, which means it will interfere with the metabolism of a lot of other drugs, any drugs that use the cyp3a4 enzyme to function, which is a lot of them. in addition to the case study i just posted where a guy got so low on salt after a modafinil OD that his brain swelled up, there is also this elderly lady who took too much modafinil and had an adrenal crisis (and also got so low on salt), apparently because hydrocortisone uses cyp3a4 for metabolism (which explains also why i cant seem to get modafinil to work for me, im chronically low on cortisol).

so modafinil is pretty safe, doesnt seem to cause long term effects once discontinued, and is worth trying. it works great for a lot of people. watch your water + salt intake while youre on it and double check drug interactions

[absolutelyzoned]

one awesome fact about me is that if i dont agree with a rule i simply dont follow it. i am so stubborn and my family hates me for it ❤️❤️

[tumblweeds-omegaverse]

Honestly, I think it's more fun this way! It's a lot to dig into, but I think that once I have, all of my settings and characters will be better rounded for it. (similarly to asking myself how the setting handles physical disability, neurodivergence, different languages and cultures, etc.) Sure, I could choose not to have it feature heavily in the end result, but I should still know. What the characters see as "too normal to comment on" says a lot about the world they live in and what they think about it.

(this plus my interest in secondary worlds, is probably why I haven't finished developing a single setting in over a year... well, that and being easily distracted, so I wind up working on multiple at a time...maybe don't do that second part)

I really like looking at the idea of what dysphoria looks like in a world where assigned sex at birth can mean something very different than what we assume.

Like, if someone has physical dysphoria primarily, is that towards their designation of male/female/(other options)? Or is it focused around their classification of alpha/beta/omega? How might that appear? What does transition look like, and what does that say about how people perceive gender and sex and dynamics?

This could get really interesting with shifters, because what if someone has dysphoria in one form, but less of it in another? Is it possible to transition in both forms if the markers you want to change are vastly different between the two? (ex: in human form, the secondary sexual characteristics are the problem, but in the animalistic form, it's something like instinctive estrus behaviors...how to tackle both?)

And that's not even touching on social dysphoria! Which might be really rough, if there's pressure to conform to a very specific ideal that is only achievable for specific combinations. (Is the image of masculinity both alpha and male? What does that do to male betas and male omegas and female alphas? What about gender nonconforming male alphas? Are the traits associated with being both male and alpha things that others should strive for or avoid?)

Like, thinking about male omegas who dislike being omega...is that a reflection of "society treats omegas poorly" and they want to avoid that? Or is it a reflection of "being omega makes me less masculine than if I were another classification," and that says something about masculinity and the ability to give birth?

Where did the standards come from? Are some of the combinations rare or new? If a male alpha being with a female omega is more desirable than being with a female alpha or a male omega...why is that? Is it linked to birth rates? Is it based on survivability of a pregnancy? Is it a "people like to think modern beauty standards are a part of human nature and art of (body type) in the past was a weird outlier" situation?

Also: what if the primary gender is the alpha/beta/omega part, because of how important it is? What if trying to transition away from traits you don't want, is seen as aspiring towards being whatever "the opposite" is? And if you're not 100% uncomfortable with everything about your dynamic, you're a fake, trying to get attention, taking resources away from the people who really need help, a waste of time? What if male/female are such a low priority in the setting, that an omega who wants to do masculine things or to look masculine is already seen as gender nonconforming? Then an omega who wants to transition to beta or alpha gets "why can't you just be like (famous masc!omega) instead?" from people who misunderstand the problem?

There's so many things to explore within ov that using it only to make your fave twink (or bear) have a pregnancy, feels like a missed opportunity. By all means, obliterate him/her/them as much as you like! Give your fave couple their happy family! Put them into or take them out of all the situations!

But you can also make it trans and/or queer, y'know? Even if it's just a character having a "you mean...not everybody feels like this?" moment.

(whoops this got super long, throwing bits about my settings under the read more)

In one of my settings, betas are seen as an adaptation but in a positive way. So a beta who wants to transition into alpha or omega would be looked at weirdly. You mean you want your hormones to take over your life multiple times a year? Aren't we supposed to be better than that wildness now, as a society? It's not like changing your hormone balance is going to alter how many kids you're allowed to keep anyway, so what's the point? You just want an excuse for your impulsive behavior, huh?

In another setting, inheritance traditionally passes down from the parent who carried the child, to the eldest child who is capable of giving birth. But because polyamorous pack structures are encouraged, it's totally possible for the inheritor to not have children and select a child of a pack mate to be the one that inherits next. This is because all the kids are considered siblings, related or not, due to how pack bonding works.

Biological links are tracked but they don't really do nuclear family in the same way as we do. "Why should I take care of that kid, they aren't mine" applies to people of different clans; if a person with your clan mark shows up at your door thirsty during the dry season, you give them a cup of clean water and a bit of shade, knowing they're supposed to do the same if you're ever in need. Being pack is even more of a commitment; if you have abundance and your pack member is hungry, you aren't really doing pack "correctly".

So, the previous inheritor of the land doesn't have to be related to the person they choose to give the land to. They just need to be pack, and preferably born into the same clan.

In this same setting, I've basically got a whole orientation net going... Sexual and romantic don't cover enough ground. There's sexual, romantic, "pack urge", and aesthetic. Probably could do others...or I'm forgetting one? Not sure.

...anyways!

There are people who are aroace and want to be in packs really badly, so they worry about not reciprocating the physical and romantic bonding encouraged within a pack.

There are people who are totally allo but can't deal with pack bonding, so they worry they'll never find people who are okay with them wanting to be an important life partner but not wanting to be a part of any pack.

There are people who have strong preferences for a scent profile associated with a dynamic, which is probably as close to "homosexual" or "heterosexual" as their species can get. (different anatomy to human standard)

There are people who are only aesthetically attracted to (what we'd call) feminine gender presentations, regardless to the dynamic of the person.

They all have to navigate finding partners in a society that assumes wanting a pack is the default and that most people are panromantic and/or pansexual. The species has 3 commonly recognized designations (pg), and 4 generally understood classifications (sg), and the two don't always neatly map to one another. Thus the struggle for folks with an orientation that excludes certain combinations.

And that's not getting into the other species I'm working on for that setting...

How do you figure out what gender dysphoria looks like for a species with different secondary sexual dimorphism than humans!? (bird of prey based species, so there isn't a blatant plumage or body layout difference as there is with songbirds) I'm leaning towards social dysphoria mixed with some body, like height/wingspan/leg shape or length? But I'm not giving my girl birds boobs to have chest envy or dysphoria over, as this is the one fully anthropomorphic species I have planned. (i refuse to do the snake titty thing here, i'm already playing fast and loose with their anatomy to explain how they are able to make clothes for people that lack feathers!) Voice training is likely a big deal for them, though I'm not sure when or if that's going to show up in a story...

Part of why I've considered dysphoria for shifters is because of this setting too, even though the character I planned as a member of that species, isn't anymore. (still wanna know about their views on gender and sex though, as a way to contrast the ones in the protag group, and because not everyone in said group is someone who grew up in a single-species household!)

Then there's the other setting brewing, which I started as "haha, I know how I can practice character writing without having to build a whole world! I'll do a fanfic of a relatively obscure video game and add omegaverse into it!" But then I realized I have no idea what the culture of that game is like outside of what little the game shows, and there's multiple species there too...so oops looks like I'm worldbuilding after all!

(it's fun, just slow)

One of the neat things in that setting is, there's a species that has bodies that are partially mechanical. I decided they could alter them physically, but the vast majority of them do have a sense of internal gender. (Because making the non-squishy species be nonbinary by default felt like a cop out.) So there can be a moment where a character has to deal with dysphoria because something they get euphoria from is lost/broken/they have to choose not to use it temporarily - similar to having a day when you need to pass as your asab, or your body physically needs a break from the things you normally wear.

and my reminder to get ready for work went off, gotta stop here!

Full intent on being cringe-on-main but.. have you guys considered A/B/O in a trans/GNC way?

I mean, like... OK, you have a Primary Gender (PM), which is the "male-female standard", and you have your Secondary Gender (SG), Alpha/Beta/Omega.

But how are those two supposed to relate? Culturally speaking, each country, and each group of people, and each household have different standards of what a man and a woman can and should do or act. HOW does that translate to your SG? Is it culturally asumed that an AlphaMan/OmegaWoman is the standard, or maybe it's just backward/old fashioned thinking? Was it considered a shame to have an Alpha!daughter, but not as shameful as having and Omega!son? Or backwards?

What about the whole pheromones thing? Alphas and Gammas have distinct pheromones, and in some stories, there are pheromones blockers or even "false pheremones" perfumes or some shit. Is it expected for people who dont fit the AlphaMan-OmegaWoman dichotomy to "mask it"? Is the reveal/rebellion of expressing your true self an "coming-out" kinda act?

AND WHAT ABOUT TRANS/GNC PEOPLE?!

What about an AMAB!Trans Woman who is also an Alpha? Would people say "why did you even change your PG if your SG aligned well with what you have?" or "you're making your life more complicated for yourself! if only you were a trans OmegaWoman/trans AlphaMan..." Are people who feel unconfortable with their assignated at birth PG but who feel alright or even proud of their SG the equivalent of real life trans/GNC people who don't do HRT or surgery?

AND WHAT ABOUT SECONDARY GENDER TRANS PEOPLE?!

This is something i've never seen in any A/B/O fic i have read yet.

OF COURSE, its pretty common for characters (usually MaleOmegas) to express they hate their SG gender. Very ocassionally this happens to Alphas, but it's usually Omegas who don't like their SG (sexism). Like, it goes from mild "i wish i had been born an Alpha" to "I HATE BEING AN OMEGA, PEOPLE LOOK DOWN ON ME, I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY PROVE MYSELF, MY BODY DOES THINGS I DONT LIKE, I HATE IT!".

And, I've got to say, this is probably tinted with my trans!woman colored glasses, but this does sounds pretty trans/GNC to me. SURE, it could be just about hating the social expectation of your SG, but... come on, its simply logic: if there's people who don't identified with their assigned at birt PG, the same logic would apply to folks' SG. And how would that work? Well, there's the masking with opposite SG pheromones, and suppresors to both heat and ruts. There's probably gotta be some equivalent to HRT to SG. But in the A/B/O worlds, the SG is ALWAYS more important than the PG, so IMAGINE the OUTROAR of someone "daring to think they can change their nature".

AND WHAT ABOUT SEXUAL/ROMANTIC ATRACTION/LACK OF?!

In the A/B/O worlds, sexual/romantic attraction is the norm. Not wanting to have a Mate, or at least a Pack, its considered weird at best, unhealty and prophane at worst. What if you're aro? Or worst, ace? "So you want to be with me but not have my pups/give me your pups? you dont love me -.-" and stuff like that.

And even if you have interest in sexual and romantic interest... do they match your partner? In A/B/O stories, Alphas are usually attracted to Omegas-Betas and viceversa. Sometimes there are B/O or O/O ships, but hardly A/A ships, because "of biological reasons, A/A relationship would always fight and be aggresive to eachothe" (homophobia). What if you're and AlphaWoman but are only atracted to woman, regardless of SG? What if such AlphaWoman finds an woman they like but she's trans!PG!Alpha?

There must be stuff i'm missing, like the social hierarchy of the PG/SG combinations (Alpha are on top, Omegas are at the bottom, and how they interact with the SG) or the treatment of Betas (they either don't exist or are unimportant or reduced to the role of caretakers), but this post is long already.

TL:TR: A/B/O started, as far as i know, to have M/M couples pregnant, and yes, its heavily fueled by sexism, abuse/rape, gender essentialism and other shit.

BUT if you go past that, if you're willing to really apply some of the real world actual issues to A/B/O, you find yourself with a complex setting with lot of Worldbuilding rip for the taking, where the characters of the fandom you're into can fit-subvert-break the molds of the world and explore how that applies to your ship/your story.

And if you're into it, you can add even MORE animal/furry stuff, like were-beast transformation and stuff.

Just... think outside the mold!

(AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, REMEMBER TRANS/GNC PEOPLE EXIST!)

[arundolyn]

relevant to nothing, but i wanna hear your thoughts on the natlan archon quest. am i the only person who's kinda salty with how it ended? i know they can't kill off mavuika cause they wanna make the archon playable, but it felt a little too convenient to me that capitano was just there to solve the problem. maybe i'm just coping since i wanted playable capitano. just wish the whole archon quest was written differently cause i'm so indifferent to mavuika. i still think she's cool, but there could have been more. hoping they make the second act of her character quest a banger. eh maybe it's just a me issue and i'm just burnt out from all the dense lore bombs in natlan -🍵

see. listen. its really funny. cause im a fatuihater on principle. i just Havent liked them. this made me like capitano. i was SEVERELY not vibing with him when he showed up and literally went "fuck it we're doing my plan". that was just Typical Fatui Shit to me and i was already rolling my eyes and sick of it. capitano actually gained my respect by having a genuinely interesting plot purpose and actually having principles he stuck by. i fully did not buy into him being all chivalrous and just like his lackeys talked about him being because the thing with just about every harbinger and in general fatuus so far is we're told one thing and shown a whole nother. this is probably the first time we had a genuinely altruistic harbinger, and also the first time we're shown The Bad and then Actual Good. every other time its been either Good no wait theyre Bad or Bad and then Worse. cant stand childe. dottore is just flat and lame because theres no substance to it other than He Feels Like It. arlecchino could be compelling but its severely hampered for me by her lack of self awareness. her and wrio are interesting character foils but the fact that she Genuinely believes shes better than crucabena and doing something good for Her Children is just such a HARD turn off because functionally she's in the same boat but with worse and deeper emotional abuse rather than flat out violence. i wouldnt mind as much if she like. admitted this. but she truly does seem to believe grooming kids into being soldiers is good when she does it so its like... nooooo.. nope. its So clear to me narratively she doesnt actually care for anyone in the house of the hearth on an individual level so much as theyre Her Property. her pawns. if someone gets hurt theyre messing With Her. this is just neatly dressed as the whole idea of Being Family. anyway thats not the point

^ i said that like a week before actually playing the last bit of the archon quest and like. i live in a hole so i dont really know how everyone Felt about the ending by and large but like. they won me over big time with that! not only was the scene really cool and the entire concept of no matter what happened there it was going to be cheating death was REALLY sick. that was a satisfying narrative arc 100000% and it was pretty well foreshadowed. im a sucker and told myself when i started the game like a month after it came out i was GOING to like the pyro archon and natlan no matter what bc something something native american vibes and i do genuinely love mavuika and enjoy natlan so like. im for sure biased. and it made narrative sense for her not to die yet even if she had already accepted she would. its also a satisfying end for capitano cause he actually achieved his technically impossible goal. he won against death! by dying anyway! and giving all the souls he had inside him somewhere to rest!

im also super biased bc the way capitano tried to kick the door down and say HEY we're doing things my way and didnt look like he wanted to defer to the people that Lived There that he PROFESSED TO CARE ABOUT simply did not sit right with me. heavy colonizer vibes. ESPECIALLY after the reveal that everyone would functionally lose their cultural identity if he did what he intended. and saying he cared about the people and land in question. like that simply Did Not Track. first harbinger ever to sit his white ass down and listen when mavuika told him to knock it the fuck off and honestly that was so real. they didnt fully win me over pretty much until he showed up in front of ronova and i knew Exactly what i was about to happen. they started to get me around the time he showed up at the flower feather clan but i was still suspicious. unironically him dying made me like him so much more cause it was actually. like. cohesive and sensical. some parts of natlan felt like a slog up to that point for sure but that was an Extremely good payoff for some things set up since the beginning. kinda makes up for the gosoythoth fight being pretty lackluster. i had also figured ahead of time they were gonna subvert the mavuika death bit and this kinda feels like the only way it couldve been done without being a total cop out. but tbh i get it and i doubt youre the only one since natlan has been pretty unpopular for various reasons

maybe capitano being there was some degree of contrived and convenient but idk. to me it felt pretty well thought out and when you think back on certain things even before he flat out tells you what his deal is they did foreshadow the whole being a vessel for other souls thing. interesting foil with both ororon and mavuika that way. he actually felt like a driven and consistent character when i was instantly under the impression when he showed up and started throwing punches at a god that he was just gonna be another guy here serving his own mystery agenda consequences be damned but he did kinda actually back up the fact that he cared about natlan and its people as well as his homeland and its remaining inhabitants so i do have to give props for that. like extremely. maybe its cause hes one of the only harbingers who doesnt give a fuck less abt the tsaritsa idk lmao. it was kinda sweet that mavuika conceded to him after he died as a sign of respect. cause like clearly after they werent opposed they had a lot of mutual respect for each other as leaders! refreshing to have a harbinger capable of listening to other people idk the M.O. of the fatui is really just wreck shit in a foreign land until they comply rinse and repeat kinda nice that was Fully not what he was going for. felt organic

[koipalm]

20 questions for fic writers

@anorlondo00 u tagging me in this is so funny bc i barely think of myself as a fic writer.. i could be 40 fics in and still be like idk man not really my thing

1) how many works do you have on ao3?

10!

2) what's your total ao3 word count?

60,348 omg...

3) what are your top five fics by kudos?

1. i've been far away 2. the stance of the sea in the absence of green 3. slaves to any semblance of touch 4. rage, rage against the dying of the light 5. night garden

4) what fandoms do you write for?

hades, orv, & one piece mostly... i should really write another immortal days fic

5) do you respond to comments? why or why not?

yesss i went to reread some of my older stuff a little while ago & got so confused why i didnt reply to anything...??? idk! but i love love talking to people and hearing what they think about my fics so yes absolutely it makes my day ^^ come talk to meeee

6) what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmmm... none of my stuff has very hard endings bc i only really tend to write something that id read lol... if anything i think my zagnos one night garden depresses me the most. two guys stuck in a place that hates them and yeah they can kiss about it but nothing is really resolved? damn!! theyre such horribly tragic characters i cant think about the house of hades without getting upset HAHA

7) what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

objectively... maybe don't stare too long? id say running off into the night with your new bf is pretty happy hehe

8) do you get hate on fics?

yupp it doesn't bother me though i just laugh and delete it :] not that serious

9) do you write smut?

nowadays yes my bad guys.... its like all i do now 😔 to be fair though even if its really raunchy (or the age gap is huge lol) i put a ton of thought into how the couple functions and how to balance the relationship. like for the deuceace one... ace was willing and receptive to deuce because hes a pretty reckless thrillseeker BUT also because he trusts deuce not to take it too far or to apologize if he does. explicit stuff is fun to write but its also a fun exercise in doing this for me!

10) do you write crossovers?

i've been far away is the only one so far ^^ im willing to do more but it has to be really clear in my head. creating aus is usually more fun for me!

11) have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of! honestly i might care if someone did that but no real guarantee.. id probably just laugh lol like what possesses someone to do that

12) have you ever had a fic translated?

i've had someone ask before! not sure where id find it tho

13) have you ever cowritten a fic before?

hmmm... best i can say is that i have written mini fics with @pepsiiwho in her dms that she has compiled before so sure! maybe one day we'll put those somewhere

14) what's your all time favorite ship?

oh man im really not sure... there's so many i adore. i will say that liushen from svsss holds a special place in my heart

15) what's the wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

one day i want to go back to rage, rage against the dying of the light... i started that years ago in high school and then so much happened it was really difficult to go back... but i dream of one day completing that fic

16) what are your writing strengths?

im a stickler for grammar if only bc if i write something thats off or misspelled itll break my concentration & its rly hard for me to write like that! aside from that im not really sure. i do love trying to balance exactly how i want readers to picture my scenes tho! i like seeing how little detail i can add that will still create a clear enough picture, like writing a character's left hand holding their glass, so if they use their other hand to pat someone next to them, the reader will probably imagine that person on their right! it matters so little yet means so much to me

17) what are your writing weaknesses?

for some reason every time i write dialogue i feel like im dragging it out for one william years. & then it wont even be that long. also i often catch myself repeating phrases bc they get stuck in my head. & of course everything i write always feels repetitive & redundant but that may also just be the nature of writing

18) thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

im very bad with learning languages so if i do end up doing i try to be deliberate & sparse so im very clear on what im writing & how im using it

19) first fandom you wrote for?

mmm either bnha or fma i think

20) favourite fic you've ever written?

ill admit i had the most fun writing don't stare too long it was just so amusing to me... something so funny about a guy who thinks hes straight being 100% willing to fuck his gay friend & his gay friend whos completely bewildered by this. i rly want to write this dynamic for deuceace again i keep laughing at it

@pepsiiwho @sctir and @trans-yllz i would like to hear it from yewww

[nahalism]

The past two years ive had my concrete bubble pinched and it’s like I see things clear since then. Ive had extreme highs. Never been so close to myself and the world. Yet also the most extreme lows. Current situation. It’s hard for me to understand whether what i feel is my soul or ego. This makes it hard to take action. Do you have an opinion or advice? is there a way you can separate your ego thinking from your soul needs? Your answers always relate to my thinking, that’s why I ask you. Thank you for that.

hey, sorry it took me a while to answer this because i wanted to make sure i gave it a response it deserved. forgive me if i talk in circles, but ill explain best as i can. short answer is, as much as the lows seem brutal, they are markers of correction, and often bring greater profit to you longterm than the extreme highs. there is no way to escape pain and discomfort, it is aways there, there are just ways to manage it. some better than others. whilst the extreme highs are beautiful, it is often stated that ignorance is bliss. pain teaches, bliss is what it feels like when youve caught up on your current lesson and are unaware you have another to learn.

to break it down a little further, perhaps the answer lies somewhere in the differentiation your making between your ego and your soul. we all have various parts of ourselves (our inner child, our protector, our ego, our public face, our 'core being'/ soul etc etc, but all of those parts regardless of how distinct they all feel, are still us. there is no way to get away from having an ego, its how you govern yourself, (thoughts, and actions), that determines the nature of that ego. so perhaps the highs and the lows are coming from the process of you defining what a unified/integrated version of you looks and functions like, rather than from a battle of which side of you is right/wrong/should win? only integration of the parts into one whole bring peace. not an end to suffering, but peace through the suffering.

side note, striving for purity can be just as (if not more) misguiding than having allowance and acceptance for what is, and surrendering to the path you are on. if you can find faith in yourself & the world, & trust that for all your misdeeds and 'carnal wants', your heart, mind, and soul, are striving for what is righteous, the highs and lows start to have less to do with you (or being a reflection of how well your doing), and more to do with what your being taught and your level or acceptance/resistance to it. the ebb and flow between periods of disillusionment, periods of making mistakes or falling short, and then periods of recognising your mistakes and the ways you missed your mark, and as such can do better, are examples of how, the dark feeds the light and the light the dark. if the dark is ignorance, and light is knowledge, then the dark is not inherently bad, its just untapped territory that you are navigating, and in navigating it, fostering your evolution. once you are 'evolved' and have shed light on what was once dark, you (being the light) begin to cast shadows that illumine another untapped part of the path. then the cycle plays out again.

you cant cheat the path. unfortunately the pain and suffering is inevitable. we all suffer for the things we choose to believe in. but its the way we suffer or respond to the path/cycle we are on, that determines the version of ourselves that will go on to experience that next part of the cycle. each time we go around, we gain new tools to apply (knowledge wisdom and understanding). the tools are heavy and hard to wield, but with practice comes mastery. the more you keep going, the more resilience you build. it doesnt get easier, but practice makes it bearable. the important thing is that you aren't suffering in vain. some people choose to believe in love, some choose virtue, some choose pleasure, others choose hedonistic pleasure, some choose peace, and others self interest. what matters is suffering for the right cause, and the only right cause is the thing that feels worth it to you in your heart of hearts. in my experience ive found the answer lies somewhere in-between the version of yourself you want to be, and understanding what that version of you has to offer to others. when you go forward on that path, do it not from a desire to escape pain, but because its what you believe in. belief in what you do is the the only thing that makes it worth it

its long answer i know but i hope it answered your question. its also just my opinion/experience. if you read this and feel differently to what ive said, then that may also provide the clarity you need. ultimately you have all the answers inside of you! <3 sending u love and luck

[somepancakeonline5377]

Anyway autism, yeah it can suck BALLS having it man. Here’s a weird rant about random shit related to autism that makes me pissed

Honestly I’m scared to get a autism diagnosis due to the fact that you will never be seen as a responsible, respectful individual no matter how capable you are simply due to the fact your brain function differently then most. A lot of people heavily misunderstand it and a lot of people think it’s a myth or just bullshit like that. Your mere existence can be considered “wrong” “something that needs to be cured”

Also the fucking term Asperger’s Syndrome makes my blood boil. For those who don’t know it’s no longer a proper term for two main reasons. Due to the fact it’s not really needed at all as a person with Asperger’s is just another person with ASD, they call it Autism SPECTRUM disorder for a reason. The other more AWFUL reason is the fact is the person who it was named after was a FUCKING NAZI. LOOK UP HANS ASPERGER IT IS CLEAR AS FUCKING DAY IT SAYS HE WAS A NAZI I AM BEING SO DEADASS.

And the school system really sucks ass to, as a freshmen it’s just so frustrating and school as been frustrating ever sense THIRD DAMN GRADE. ITS SHIT. Nearly every teachers way of teaching just doesn’t bounce of me at ALL, AT A FUCKING ALL. But asking for help is so embarrassing that I rather wait until someone points out my shitty grades then actually ask for help. I mean yeah I am NOT helping myself but I genuinely cannot understand any of the shit going. I am stuck in a damn rut here!! Yet no teacher has like EVER confronted me for my grades either!! LIKE THATS YOUR JOB FUCKING DO IT

Having a special interest and hyper fixation also sucks major dick too. Genuinely like I can’t think straight for like WEEKS AND WEEKS on end only thinking about this thing I love, I can’t shower, eat or sleep at times too!! Hell sometimes, especially with my spinterest, I can’t even STOMACH IT. ITS SO UNBEARABLE. IT MAKES ME SO EXCITED I CANT EVEN PROPERLY INDULGE IN IT.

Doing research on autism as an autistic person is the most anger inducing thing on earth.

[stealingyourbones]

Danny Phantom meets Superman. More accurately I should say that Danny Fenton meets Clark Kent.

Let me make this clear cause people seem to forget this: superman is smart. Clark kent is a very intelligent guy. Hes an INVESTIGATIVE journalist. He works with Lois Lane whos a multiple Pultizer prize winner and you know damn well that Lois wouldn’t work with anyone that cant keep up with her in both wits and smarts. He’s good at his job and in some comics he gets Pulitzer Prizes from some of his articles as well. Dude is dumb but he’s smart if you get what I’m saying. High Int. Low Wis.

With that in mind, During an assignment by Perry White, Lois and Clark meet the Fentons in their Amnesty residence to get some quotes on an article that discusses “Everything we thought didn’t exist is now real. Superheroes, Aliens, even Vampires, so why do we not Believe in Ghosts?”

Clark Kent spots Danny and notices instantly that MANY things are wrong with this child. His shoulders are hunched in a way that is intentional and tensed. Like he doesn’t know if he should fight or flee. His eyes are darting around and constantly taking in their surroundings like he’s waiting for something to barge in. His heart is beating far slower than it should. The kid intentionally makes his chest rise and fall but he’s not breathing in any oxygen. All of those are concerning but they can happen in metas. The thing that isn’t normal is that Clark can’t hear any of Danny’s other organs working. Like the kid is a revitalized corpse and his body only thought to bring back half of its needed functions.

So Clark does some digging. He doesn’t want to tell any of the Justice League because this isn’t a Superman job, this is a job for Clark Kent. He gets some help from Oracle and with her word that she won’t say anything to batman, He agrees to update her regularly about the kids situation.

Oracle sends over some VERY concerning documents from an organization called “The Ghost Investigation Ward”. Oracle tells Clark that she’s working on tipping off the Bats and Birds so they can help dismantle the organization.

While sifting through the documents Clark comes across a profile of a “Danny Phantom”. As I said, Clark isn’t stupid. There is definitely a profile of Danny Fenton as well since he’s the son of two world renown ghost hunters. He puts the two and two together and uncovers just the horrible treatment that Phantom has been receiving from his parents, the government, and his peers. Clark is outraged and can’t just stand aside and let this kid suffer. So he makes another trip to the Fenton residence under the guise of needing another quote and sits Danny and Jazz down and tells him that he knows of the terrible lab safety, the immoral experiments his parents do on the regular, the neglect of the kids in pursuit of scientific discovery. He knows and he wants to help. Clark tells Danny and Jazz that there is an apartment available right nextdoor from his and that he can help them get to a safer location and apply for emancipation.

The Fenton kids are shocked at this guy and his immensely kind heart. Danny knows something is up though. Something is up with Clark Kent. He looks like all his life would be spent in the gym when he isn’t at work and yet Danny can’t find a thing on Clarks interest in working out. His baggy clothes somewhat cover up his muscles but his frame is far too wide to be hidden. Clarks heartbeat is slightly faster than the average persons. No human eyes could be that startlingly sky blue. And Danny knows that he has seen Clarks face somewhere but he cant put a pin on it.

The Fenton kids agree and they get brought to metropolis and the emancipation case is no problem with the evidence Clark managed to collect. The kids get the apartment next to Clarks and Clark helps them grow and get better mentally and situationally. Clark knows that in a way he’s trying to make up for his neglect on Connor but he still knows that helping these kids is the right decision.

After a month or so, Clark and the Fenton kids have a rhythm of meeting at each others apartments, getting doted over to make sure that the fentons are well fed and have everything they need and are getting settled into their new life.

Clark hasn’t told the league. Oracle keeps her promise to keep the Fentons out of Batman and the Justice League’s radar. Clark knows that he will have to tell them soon eventually. He knows that things like this wont last. He tries his best to keep these kids happy and support them how an actual caring parent should act.

A few months into the Fentons stay in Metropolis on a cool autumn afternoon, Danny is sitting on a beanbag chair reading a ratty old book that Clark lent him as Clark is typing away on his computer writing up an article for the Daily Planet when Danny looks over to Clark and says,

“I’m Phantom.”

Clark pauses typing and shoots a small smile towards danny, “I know.”

Danny nods in relieved acceptance as Clark straightens up from his hunced over position on his computer.

He pulls back his shirt collar slightly to show the blue suit and red cape. “I’m Superman.”

Danny looks at him and smiles, “I know.”

They both just sit and continue reading and writing with soft smiles on their faces. Comforted at the exchange and that it’s finally out there and eachother knew.

After a while Danny’s obsession gets to be too much. He tells Clark about it and that he has to find a way to sate his obsession of protecting and Clark accepts that it was only a matter of time and invites him to meet the League.

When Superman brings Danny to the Watchtower, saying that the rest of his fellow superheroes were shocked would be an understatement. The Man of Steel and this ghost kid are talking like a father and son.

To say that Batman was pissed that he wasn’t informed of this child is also an understatement. But there is also some amusement and respect under that frustration. Superman managed to keep this kid under wraps and didn’t even alert Batman. Superman smirking and saying under his breath to him “Looks like the World's Greatest Detective isn’t so great huh?” Makes Batman respect the man even more.

Sometimes while the League is in battle, Superman likes to just look for Danny and watch him hold his own against world ending threats. Danny is now truly confident and it’s no longer a facade. He’s no longer hunching into himself to look smaller. He laughs more often now and seems to be genuinely happy. Superman fondly looks at his son as his kids eyes flicker with green fire as he says a shitty ice pun and freezes Metallo in his tracks with ghostly ice.

[butchsophiewalten]

i’m going to finally make a post about my Jenny headcanon ideas because no one else in the world understands the way that i see her and im so miserable about it. putting it under a cut because long.

I’ve talked before about how i like the idea that she’s like. reasonably involved with Brighton’s queer community and that she has a pretty nice, stable group of friends consisting mostly of other queer people, and a lot of my other ideas come as kind of an extension of that. I like it as an explanation for her self- confidence, it being something she developed from just having like a strong and reliable social network of people she could trust completely. And I like at as an extension of her narrative function as Sophie’s Rock. Because Sophie's only just navigating what queer identity actually means for her, but Jenny's spent a lot of her life thinking about and coming to terms with her own identity.

BUT ok. to put it very bluntly, i think Jenny has a really shitty relationship with her family. I think she was kicked out for being lesbian when she was 18 (so its in ‘74 lol). and she spent a short while couch surfing before she got scooped up by group of queer people, and she’s kind of just spent the rest of her life in that environment and community. I like that it allows both Jenny and Sophie to have weird family issues, and i think it serves to justify the fact that Sophie had never talked with Jenny about her family stuff pre-BunnyFarm. Both of them hate talking about family shit, so it never came up. I also REALLY like the idea of Sophie like. getting super in her own head feeling like she’s the Only Person In The World who is Fucked Up and Traumatized as a result of like. the complete lack of understanding she got from the adults around her in the aftermath of her family’s disappearances. So as an adult now she’s super convinced that she's the only person who will ever understand what its like to be suffering this kind of profound hurt. and she's convinced herself that she cant ever let anybody know how fucked up she is and she has to always pretend to be the best possible version of herself.

And she’s especially fixated on this idea she has that Jenny specifically is Normal. that Jenny is an example of a Normal Person with Nothing Wrong With Them, because she can’t imagine the idea of someone who’s gone through something horrible and come out on the other side of it seeming just fine. So she doubles down on this idea that she has to maintain whatever perception Jenny has of her or else Jenny will realize she’s Weird and Traumatized and not worth the trouble. Because that sets up the opportunity for Sophie to find out that, no,  Jenny's experienced some pretty serious hardship, too. And the only reason she came out okay was because she let herself rely on other people when she was her most vulnerable. And that’s the first time Sophie really seriously considers the idea of letting someone in to help her through her problems. Even if she isn’t completely ready to do that yet.

And like! I’m trying really hard to make it clear that this isn’t just some lame angsty headcannon where i give Jenny kinda a shitty childhood for no good reason. I think this idea is genuinely narratively and thematically compelling and I think it conceptually strengthens the relationships these characters have with each other. And I do think it’s at least partially justified by Jenny’s actions? Thinking specifically about the old /sophiewalten page where Sophie brings up her dad having anger issues and the first thing Jenny thinks to ask was if that meant he was abusive. or like the old /jennyletterson page where Jenny’s first response to Sophie saying she hasn’t seen her family in years is just “oh damn” which is a hilariously lame and terrible response, and I like to joke that she said that because she assumed it was because Sophie is gay lol.

But just.aaugh i like this idea. i like it so much more than the idea that Jenny really IS just a Completely Normal Person who’s helping her Fucked Up and Traumatized girlfriend through her problems. Like that feels so strange and voyeuristic to me. I especially like the idea of Sophie being someone who was completely denied the opportunity to properly process her own trauma, while Jenny is someone who was able to kinda overcome and come to terms with her trauma with a lot of help and hard work. And Sophie is able to feel Humanized and Understood in seeing another person (a person she cares very deeply about) also struggle with familial trauma, and she suddenly feels hopeful for a future version of herself that never existed in her mind before who’s been able to meaningfully heal and continue with life and learn to start enjoying it. it is just a compelling idea to me!! I like to give jenny problems

[whistl-stahp]

ok i think this might actually be my favorite 8000 i read yet... (spoilers inbound)

like i'm a bit biased obvi given i love robots and ESPECIALLY aiad. and im also biased because alex's story has been NINE YEARS in the making and it's come out so so slowly. a lot of the articles that use her don't bring up her internal conflict with her feeling trapped. that omission isn't a bad thing, she acts as a good character to bring in when you need general computer stuff, but it just means i've been deficient of deep alex content and honestly thought for a while that her plot line was never gonna get resolved. but i just needed to learn to never lose hope!!

the nod to limited memory had me really happy. it's very clear the author did their aiad homework. i was surprised that none of the hello world bots were mentioned but i was not sure how they'd fit in, and looking at the comments the author felt the same way, so i cant complain

this article really captures alexandra's drive to help others and her reluctance to help herself, both of which are compounded by her being an ai. in original aiad it highlights how she's bound by duty in a really unique way that a human wouldn't be; she was programmed to follow the foundation, she was created by the foundation, it is hardwired into her identity to help the foundation. but despite it all she still wants to be free. and she isn't brave enough to run away, because that would be choosing to throw away her entire purpose. but she is still so determined to be the kindest person she can be with what she has. i love this articles blend of that, where her drive to help humanity is intertwined with her duty to the foundation. she sees her entire existence as helping humanity, like, thats what she was build to do, she cant just turn against the foundation!! but she has people there to tell her that it's ok to want to be free, and she can still be kind to people when she leaves her duty behind.

she will still be kind. her kindness has never been shaken and this article shows that even at the extreme she is still at her core kind and will always be so.

it also shows a side of her i wouldn't have thought of, where she feels like people don't really care about her. some of that probably stems from the foundation moving forward and creating new and more advanced ai, but the main reason here is a result of alex's memory module failing and how she literally can't function anymore. she thinks she's useless, unable to complete her mission, and should be left behind. but her unrelenting kindness to everyone comes back around and crom and lurk are there to help her <3 and they value her <3

but the ending is really interesting slash confusing to me.. it had a "and it was all a dream" feel but also kinda wasnt? and alex still isn tfree? shes still working for the foundation just with more self-confidence? unless the end was supposed to be her telling lurk goodbye and then leaving forever... but i didnt see that if so.

i guess the "more self confidence" isnt giving her much credit i mean the article literally says 'ya shes not fake shes straight up a person.' but i dont know where the ending led... im just confused. was this the resolution of her story or not? but OK I LIKED IT A LOT OK. the prose and css mixed together was something id never have expected on an aiad article, or an scp article at all! it was awesome! it creates such strong emotion its literally my favorite 8kcon entry!!!

also shoutout to it being totally mobile compatible. the screen jittered a bit but it was flawless outside of that which was surprising bc css heavy scps usually break on phones

IIUUGH AND RHE ENDING BEING A CALL BACK TO NULL TERMINATING STRING... ok im done now. [/end]

FICTIONAL AI.... I LOVE U SO MUUUCH...

[alliumnoblade]

ok here i am again with another meta analysis for rick and morty season 6 because of course my obsession phase isn’t over yet

apparently this season is a lot focused on the family smith. it was a big hypothesis when he only had the titles for the season to base our opinions on, but also when it started to air it was pretty clear ALL the smiths are the main focus on this season. the dynamics they have as a family, the nuances, the ups and downs, how they (dis)function - it appears to be explored very heavily this season. lately (a little bit in season 5 too) all five of them seem to be treated as a family, and not just a bunch of people that happen to live together.

which is nice, i really appreciate it, especially because they seem to mix that with sci-fi stuff and humor and honestly i couldn’t ask for anything else (i can’t be the only one laughing the shit off myself this season all the jokes are landing to me please)

my point is, i wonder if the reason why they decide to explore this theme so much is due to quarentine.

right now the smith family are stuck with each other. with the portal gun broken, rick and morty can only go so far in their own dimension, and since they can’t afford to screw things up, they really seems to be doing things tamer and less dangerous than before. in other words, they have nowhere to run and rick needs to deal with his family more often now.

this sounds A LOT like quarentine to me. you going a little bonkers, but also needing to deal with your peer’s crazyness as well. it’s the time you need to confront how disfunctional your family really is but how you love them so deeply you have no other option but to endure them. (i’m talking about non-abusive homes here, please). personally, i think i got a lot closer to my parents and brother after this hell, and it seems fitting the writers went through that as well.

considering season six was written during a more flexible but still real part of the lockdown, i find it a good hypothesis they decide to write the show analog to what was happening in the real world. the smith family can go to school, work, go out to ice cream, but at the end of the day there’s not a lot they can do but to be under the same house for long period of time -  they can’t travel, they can’t pretend their problems don’t exist, they can’t go out often. they need to confront each other.

with this new premiere for episode 4, night family, it got really clear to me how they are willing to just dive deep into the family dynamics, making it more smith-centric. it has been a common theme that rick is acting more like a grandpa rather than a crazy asshole scientist lately, how beth is actually willing to be a good mother now, how jerry is finally being assertive about his place in his home, how morty and summer seems to have a more love-hate bond than just a i-cant-stand-you bond. they are still all fuck ups in their respective areas, they are still horrible people, but they are their OWN horrible people

also the fact that the smith family CHOOSE each other rather than just accept they need to live together adds a new layer to things. no one is from that reality, in the first episode they had the choice to be in their origin dimension if they wanted to and they’ve had tons of opportunities to just walk away before. after a long, long jurney with the same people since half the season 1 (and this jerry from season 2), we can say that the smith family aren’t connected because rick is a control freak, but because they do love each other and this is their burden to carry. in the end, family is a burden you can’t throw away, but it’s your burden and i love that.

and the fact that they actively made the choice to keep each other close is so much nicer than whatever the abusive dynamic they had in later seasons. it’s a found family, they became a found family even if disfunctional as hell. i love that

[roughentumble]

.

also like im sorry. but the first time i heard the term "landback" and didnt know exactly what it entailed, i googled it, and the first thing i found said that its a term that no one really agrees how it should be enacted, or what it encompasses, or what it could entail precisely.

so yes. if you want to have an effective discussion about land back, you have to specifically talk about the version of it that you have in mind when you're advocating for it. because no one can agree on exactly what it looks like. and its different for every tribe and every area and even then there's still discussion within the tribe. which is fine! but it means there's no clear conversation to be had if youre not specific and you dont explain.

and im for land back!!! in all situations!! all of those different variables, im for all of them!!! but you literally cant be mad when someone says "ive never heard of that before, what would it mean for my daily life". would the laws change? the taxes? we dont trust cops around here, but what would it mean for fire fighter response? what about local government? who would i call for zoning issues, or is that not relevant to me once i've taken part in land back?

these arent malicious questions. these are normal questions to ask about how a massive shift would work. i dont care if youve gone over it with people in the community, people OUTSIDE the community havent heard the discussions. go over it with them so they understand what would happen. I THINK IT SHOULD HAPPEN. IT'S STILL GOOD TO DISCUSS LOGISTICS

god, the same shit happens with complete prison abolition, where people get so annoyed when you ask "what would society look like without prisons and how would we deal with crime and genuine harm done to others?"

they jump to saying "it isnt dealt with now! there's only 1% of rapists in prison, there's only [x]% of abusers, the recidivism rates, the way prison is a den of abuse for the people in it" and like yes i agree with those points. but also no matter what you say, people will hear 1% and go "but 1% is a better chance of being saved if im on the receiving end of extreme violence, than 0% in a system that does nothing". they!!! are always going to go with the devil they know!!! if the alternative is completely in the dark!!!!

"what is the alternative to prisons" is always, in my experience seeing these conversations leak out into public internet discourse, to say "well, there's just so many options, and we're still discussing in the community--" stop. stop. that will never ever ever work. that will never convince anyone.

1) you never stop doing [x social thing] without any solid clearly defined agreed upon plan for the alternative. you just dont. 2) that doesnt encourage anyone to look for more information, it makes it sound like there is no solid alternatives period, 3) just!! say!!! what you think!!!! just say "well there arent any solid plans yet, but i personally like [x method] and [y method]", because that gives people a foothold. that gives them the context to start understanding the argument, the alternative that is being presented, it gives them a broad image of what to picture for a prisonless society and how it might function. that is an archetype WE DONT CURRENTLY HAVE, so you have to paint them a picture so they can start to imagine. so that they have some place to start looking. some concept they can start to research on and expand from there.

most people dont know what a prison-less society or land back looks like. im sorry its annoying to explain it a lot. but they dont know. if you want to do outreach, paint a picture. tell them what it means. get into logistics.

the moment you step outside your community to talk to people outside it, you are doing outreach. so look into how to do it well, how to get people on your side, and how to introduce concepts to people who have never heard of it before.

[abominablecreeture]

Its been a while since i posted anything about that anticiv/ antidoctor/ medical reskilling zine project (or whatever it is, that's not just up to me), so i wanted to share some of the work i've done. heres hoping that this gives y'all a clearer picture of what this might be or is inspiring or something like that.

(also i kinda hate my working title, but cant currently articulate why and havent got a better one yet. but if you have an idea or wanna tell me why you think this one sucks, either of those things would totally feel helpful)

Fire Your Doctor (working title)

Introduction

There are so many reasons to hate going to the doctor. They demean you, distrust your sense of your physical experience, and will sooner blame your weight or your weed habit than admit they don’t know what’s wrong. The list could be practically endless.

But still, many people go, despite their reservations, because they have questions they need answered and they don’t know where else to look, and because the shiny, clean, academic institutions maintain their faith, even when individual doctors do not.

Even many people who find themselves disenchanted with society and its defenders still consider the medical institution an indispensable part of life, and think that access to it should be broadened. Sure cops are bad: they kill people. But we’re supposed to think of doctors as people who save lives.

In answer to those opinions, I propose this framework, though it isn’t mine: doctors are the only people who are allowed to provide certain lifesaving interventions. And the personal cost of access to doctor’s services is your ability to adequately maintain your place within the society that the doctor serves.

Doctors aren’t just a lot like cops – doctors are cops. If the function of police is to violently enforce the parameters of acceptable behavior, then it might be an understatement because doctors exercise this power in a much more complete and intimate way than police are afforded access to.

Histories of colonial medicine make this point extremely clear:

“In framing a Filipino social body, medical officers claimed authority over the most private of daily activities; personal and domestic life became constituents of the public performance of personal and domestic hygeine...The laboratory was emerging as an ideal discursive space, an exemplary colonial site – a symbol of control, purity, and precision that initially was far more significant than the routine practices of bacteriological investigation that went on within it. Colonial military tactics and protocols of population management remained fundamental in disciplining Filipinos, and the army camp still presented an appealing image, but the laboratory implied an even greater capacity for intervention and manipulation.” (Colonial Pathologies: American Tropical Medicine, Race, and Hygeine in the Phillipines, Warwick Anderson)

And further, they make it extremely clear that colonial populations were used to develop methods of control, but, once tried and tested, these methods were used on the colonizing government’s internal populations (referred to here as “the metropole”, in contrast to “the colony”)

“In a generally uncritical, unreflective way, these colonial technicians were prepared to find the modern in the colony, the colonial in the metropole. In this case, the traffic between the United States and the Phillipines...enables us to recognize that colonial technologies of rule could also be used to develop the ‘nation’...The Phillipines, Puerto Rico, and Hawaii were borderlands, where many ‘experts’ were experimenting with various national bodies, including their own.” (Ibid.)

Histories of medical enterprises in other nation’s colonies are similar. Now fully deployed, these tactics of control are so total that they can be almost invisible. For people born in hospitals, doctors will be the first to touch – and to assess – the individual’s physical form. They hold the power to declare the infant Normal, or to send them away to be brought into compliance – often by surgical intervention.

Youth is conducted according to the doctor’s orders. Infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, and adolescence are all highly medicalized, complete with schedules built so that parents can do the policing work, reporting back to the pediatrician, eager for further instruction.

The totality of medicine’s influence over our lives remains intact as we grow older. Not only has the advice of doctors shaped how we sleep, eat, clean our bodies and the spaces we inhabit, even how we fuck, but also, as Ivan Illich wrote in 1974,

“Medical bureaucrats subdivide people into those who may drive a car, those who may stay away from work, those who must be locked up, those who may become soldiers, those who may cross borders, cook, or practice prostitution, those who may not run for vice presidency of the united states, those who are dead, those who are competent to commit a crime and those who are liable to commit one.”

Accepting that this wasn’t a complete list at the time, it would need to be even longer if it was written now. Advances in digital technology create a massive system of surveillance possibilities, and the medical industry hasn’t missed the chance to join in. I bet the cops would love to see your fitbit data.

None of this is an accident or a mistake. There are many atrocities in the history of modern medicine. As discussed in the earlier example, the medical institution accumulates its knowledge by extracting it from the bodies of individuals on the periphery of empire so that that knowledge may benefit the empire and the individuals at its core. Medical knowledge is also used to maintain this periphery, historically helping to encode categories like race, gender and sex into the social reality.

Those who publicly defend the medical industry will admit to this historical record, now that the history of the Tuskegee Experiment is too public to deny and books such as Medical Apartheid by Harriet A. Washington have been published to some acclaim. They’ve crafted a recuperating narrative, where each instance of these patterns just represents the missteps of individuals clouded by prejudice. They’d like you to utterly dismiss just how fundamental these “missteps” were to the development of medical science.

They tell a story where the goal of the medical industry is to improve the health of the people who seek care from it, and, more generally, the health of as many people as possible. For this story to be consistent, any harm that comes to those people must be in error.

But there’s a different story – one which resonates deeply with many who find themselves harmed by medical practitioners, or by their disregard. In this story, the medical institution, like all institutions, is an outgrowth of the hulking mass of civilization that I, on the heels of Fredy Perlman and others, call Leviathan. Just as history doesn’t concern itself with the stories of individuals, but instead with the story of the body of this beast, medicine concerns itself with the health of this monstrous body. This beast “does have a body, a monstrous body...without any life of its own”; it is an undead body, and it is animated only by the people it traps inside (Against History Against Leviathan, Fredy Perlman). The health of this beast requires the sorting and categorization of the people it traps inside, according to the work they will be made to perform, and they must be kept docile, or otherwise disposed of as useless components. The health of those components is incidental to their performance in animating the beast.

Through our childhoods, the medical industry, in partnership with other leviathanic institutions like the school, the family and the church, evaluates us, sorts us, and informs us of our place within the beast. In adulthood, we’re put to work animating the horrid body, and the institutions of medicine function to keep us at our posts.

There are only two kinds of advice that most people seem to feel capable of giving each other about our bodies: “don’t worry about it” and “talk to your doctor”. This inability to engage with our physical beings, to live in our own bodies, or care for the bodies of our loved ones is also a part of this story. Why would we submit to this kind of capture willingly, if we had any other good option? Colonial processes, and other moments of people’s capture by empire, show a consistent pattern of bitter disdain for traditional medical practices and violence towards its practitioners.

In this story, the medical industry betrays us because that’s their job. But this zine isn’t about this story so much as it’s about what we can do once we realize we’re trapped inside it. What can we do with our aches and illnesses once we realize that doctors refuse to? Or don’t know how? Or refuse to even acknowledge them?

Doctors as we experience them are a modern invention, but hearkening to a history when wellbeing was considered individually will not bring back knowledge or forms of relating to ourselves that were violently discouraged or destroyed.

Systems of understanding are killed by silence. The ideas in books (this one, too!) are also dead. What we do in defiance of our systems of capture is alive. Hopefully this zine can help people as we learn to care for ourselves and each other. And not so we can hope to do it after “the revolution” or “after collapse” or in any other imagined future. So we can do it now.

Some of this understanding is old and we seek to continue its passage. Other contributions represent understandings developed by the author, based on their own experiences and struggles. Some may be theoretical and highly researched, while others will share personal experiences.

Old knowledge can be incomplete, or contradictory. So can new knowledge. We will not attempt to minimize this complexity; different authors may contradict each other. Its our task as individuals to decide how to navigate it and to perform our own observations to make it more complete. The project of this zine is simply to pass along what others have found helpful. We hope you can find some use here as well.

[xyzikxyz]

OK tldr theres a space empire called the 9 houses, theyre all basically different countries with different way of venerating their god emperor. in this empire there are some people born as necromancers, who do necromancer shit like skeleton blast or whatever. these necromancers, mostly for ceremonial purposes if they dont join the military, have cavaliers, which are swordsmen that function like body guards/butlers/guy you use as a living battery for necromancy. preamble over

in my silly little brain rotisserie, i have percy as a necromancer and jacob as his cavalier, and theyre part of the 8th house, which is like the Turbo Catholic Planet Vatican house and their necromancy specialty is soul siphoning, in which a necromancer temporarily removes their cavaliers soul so their body can be used for other shit. you can imagine how much damage that could cause long term.

more silly under the cut because I Am Normal.

so in the 8th house, cavaliers have to have the same blood type as their necromancer to make the necromancy easier or whatever, and its common for cavs to essentially be selectively bred to serve a specific necromancer. enter the boys. theyve been sworn to each other since percy exhibited necromantic ability, and grew up with an UNFATHOMABLY skewed dynamic. but despite the Clear Obvious Power Imbalance in their relationship, percy thinks of jacob as an equal and refuses to soul siphon him unless its a life or death thing (one because thats his childhood crush and also seeing jacobs lifeless body be slung around freaks him tf out)

jacob meanwhile has just as many neurosis's about this as you could imagine. likely more. while he loves percy, their sacred vow bond keeps jacob in a permanent position of subservience, always a halfstep behind, always at percys beck and call, even sleeping in a cot at the foot of percys bed. and also because their on Planet Vatican they can't use the dynamic for freak purposes, only professional purposes. also i imagine jacob wasnt literally bred to be percys cavalier, but rather its a position he was pushed into because his parents had yet to produce a necromantic heir

anyways book series spoiler things occur, and uh oh, its a life or death situation. so life or death in fact that the only options are a. percy kills jacob so hard that he cannot be brought back, and jacobs soul is used as a battery to fuel percys necromancy, or b. risk both of them either dying or becoming POWs (the 9 houses have a lot of enemies) percy cant follow through on killing and cannibalizing his oldest companion, no matter how much jacob pleads with him that "this is what i was made for" or whatever.

technically i have 2 (2) aus that follow this premise, but the "percy sucks it up and kills his crush" one contains big boy book spoilers so lets talk space war.

the boys are taken captive by an enemy of the empire that fucking HATES necromancers, so while jacob isnt treated well per say percy has it just. so much worse. he pretends to be fine about it for jacobs sake but there is a necromancy-activated bomb attached to his neck rn he is having a Bad Time. once it becomes obvious that jacob is not anyone important to the empire, hes given a lot more freedoms, as well as an option to defect from the empire and join the people holding percy captive. jacob does. he gets a gun for the first time ever! he hopes to be able to get himself and percy out and back to their home planet, but there is a curveball

percy, who has no freedoms or any leniency really, sees jacob living his life without all the pretext of the empire that kept them achingly apart. while hes jealous, he cant really do anything about it. at least not for himself. during a visitation with jacob, wherein jacob is trying to figure out an escape plan, percy renounces their sacred vow, tells jacob to live his life and find happiness, and then immediately bedrots forever basically. jacob meanwhile is so suprised and struck with grief over essentially losing his lifes purpose and oldest friend, feels bad!

its at that point where i stopped plotting and started rotting. in the brain sense. i love unwell power dynamic space wizard war yaoi.

sighs. lostboys the locked tomb au

[falloutjay]

Stan x anxious/compassionate reader (kind of has a little canon divergence)

After giving up on Wendy (around Season 12), Stan and us start dating, we were always worried about him (no we weren't dating him out of pity, we were just a very anxious person). Some people find of clingy, others find us adorable but We've never left his side:

Ex: We were by his side helping with whales (Whale W)

We were the only one who didn't leave him when he got depression (You're Getting Old/Ass Burgers)

Next to Heidi, we became social pariah because we didn't want to dump Stan (this even made Wendy guilty)

But him moving, really gets to us, the coronavirus makes it worse. We get worried about him, then we start getting worried about everyone else as everything falls apart (Kyle, Kenny, Eric, Butters, Tweek, Craig, Scott, etc.) And we pass out of stress. About waking up in the hospital, we find out, everyone was worried about us. And Stan is the most worried of all, he spends the whole day with us. We tal-no vent about all the happened to the both of us. By the end of it, we agree that whatever happens we'll do it together.

Guess whos back! :D

Well, while it's not my best work, in my humble opinion, I sure hope you enjoy and like it. Again sorry for the delay! ಥ_ಥ

And if it's not that clear, because I know I can write a little cryptic, there is a time skip. You can either have all the show events happen when they are children and have the time skip between Covid and the memories or between you getting together as kids and the memories. Choose however you like! ^^

_________________________________________

Stan x anxious!compassionate!Reader

Tiny eyes watched the scene unfold.

Normally, Wendy was the one to break up with Stan, but not this time around. Stan was actually telling Wendy that he had no interest in her anymore.

“What changed Stan?” Wendy asked, obviously confused.

“I think I like someone else… I don’t know yet…”

Wendy gave him a smile.

“I wish you all the luck Stan, say if you need anything!”

“I will.” And with that, Wendy took off to be with her friends, while Stan turned a corner and told Kyle and Kenny how it went.

Cartman was there too, but he only wanted to know if she cried, because “she would deserve it.”.

You closed your locker and felt your heartbeat like crazy. Ever since you changed school a few months ago, Stan captured your little ten-year-old mind.

He was kind and showed you around when you had no idea where to go. It was a little crush you developed, and you never felt as scared and excited as now, since that Stan had broken off with Wendy.

This newfound feeling almost made you dizzy but you quickly snapped back into reality when you heard your name.

“Y/N?” Stan asked and waited patiently for his answer next to you.

“Oh, sorry, I was thinking, what did you want?”

“Would you maybe like to hang out some time?”

Stan almost got a heart attack when you suddenly squealed but was happy when you managed to get a high-pitched “YES!” out.

“Okay, what are you betting Kenny? Some Pennies or a dead rat?” Cartman almost fell from his chair laughing about his shitty joke, while Kyle and Kenny rolled their eyes.

“Don’t you think it’s weird how clingy they are?” Kyle asked his blonde friend, while they kept watching you and Stan, who were seated at a separate table at lunch.

“Honestly, I think it’s pretty cute.” Kenny said with his muffled voice.

You held his arm and hugged him from the side, while he happy kept on eating his lunch.

Eric, who had now calmed down from his laugh attack eyed the couple critically. “I’m giving them a month max.”

He said lazily and looked around. “I say longer than a year.” Kenny said, throwing a crinkled five-dollar note on the table.

“You two are horrible.” Kyle shook his head before he threw 10 dollars on the table.

“Four months.”

Kenny was a happy man after a year, because despite everyone believing you two would eventually break up, you never did.

You were always by his side, no matter what.

His desire to desperately save whales with the help of a braindead ship crew?

You were always right by his in the interviews he gave.

His horrible depression that even drove Kyle away? No chance, you stood strong and helped him through the whole thing and even help reuniting the gang.

Even during the protest against Skanthunt42, you chose to sit this one out, despite you absolutely hating that the troll photoshopped a dick into your mother’s mouth.

At least you and Heidi got close due to you guys both becoming social outcasts. When Wendy heard this, she was impressed by your dedication and felt somewhat guilty for obviously not trying as much in her former relationship.

Everyone admired your patience and endurance. No matter what obstacle came, you managed to get through it.

“You don’t need to be sad, Y/N. I won't be that far away.” Stan said, holding your hand.

“B-But it's outside of town. You need ages by bike to get there and vice versa.” You said, holding back tears.

Randy walked past you and you desperately pleaded to him.

“Please Mister Marsh, please stay in town!” Randy put the box he carried into the car, before turning to you.

“Real sorry, dear Y/N. This town is…How do I put it… Absolute shit and I really want to get away.”

He patted you on the head and went back into the house to get more boxes.

“Told you, you cant talk to him.” Stan said and shrugged.

“But it’s unfair. We won’t see each other as much anymore.” Stan pressed a kiss onto your cheek, which made you blush intensely.

“Don’t. Worry. I will make time for you.”

With that in mind, you didn’t feel as sad, when the car with the Marsh Family in it left for their new home.

“I will make time for you, my ass.” You mumbled while you sat at a bench near Starks Pond. Letting out a deep sigh, you leaned back and just enjoyed the warmth of the setting sun.

Covid was one hell of a bitch and just had to have this big impact on everyone’s life. Stan and you now saw each other less and less.

It was just a horrible feeling that tainted your heart and made you worry a lot.

Maybe he was feeling just as bad as you are, maybe even more?

Maybe he just didn’t want to tell you how he felt?

Were you maybe a bad partner? Your mind began racing and your train of thoughts became unrailed.

So many bad thoughts manifested themselves and it made you almost gasp for air.

“I need to check on him.” You mumbled getting up from the park bench.

You began walking and you kind of hoped that maybe just the walking would get your mind in check, but sadly it didn’t. Involuntarily you had to think about all the other stuff that happened during this horrible time.

The precious Broship was more fragile than ever. You had become such good friends with Kenny, Kyle and Cartman over time that it hurt you a lot too.

You also saw Covid take a toll on your other friends, like Craig and his group, who now took Cartman into their gang after the split up.

However, that came to be…

The girls were also pretty divided, so hanging out with them meant picking sides which wasn’t your thing, you kinda just want them to get along again.

Everything felt like it was falling apart. Your parents had fights ever so often, all your friends had problems and your beloved boyfriend was stuck on that stupid farm.

God how you hated that stupid farm and Randy.

When he gave you one of those plushies that looked like him, you functioned it into a voodoo doll. But sadly, it didn’t seem to affect him, no matter how many needles you rammed into it.

Your heart felt heavy, and it seemed hard to breathe, but you brushed it aside.

You had already reached the busy streets of South Park and mingled between the newly vaccinated people.

Everywhere you looked, the people seemed happy.

Everyone was happy except you and the people around you… Maybe…You were the problem?

You shook your head. No, you didn’t allow those kinds of thoughts.

You much rather think about Stan. How you miss him and how amazing your dates were.

Oh, how much effort he put into all the small things… Well… At least he did.

Now that you thought about it when was your last date?

It feels like it had been ages. It has been ages. Everything had been ages. Going out with him, hanging out with your friends, your family not fighting… How long has this been the new normal? You can’t help but wonder.

Your heart clenched again. “Stop it, stupid heart.” You mumbled under your breath.

An exhausted sigh escaped your lips when you thought about how you maybe had to walk all the way up to the farm… It would take ages, but you really craved being held by the person you adored so much.

So, you continued walking down through the street when an elder lady stopped you.

“Excuse me, but you look rather sickly, are you alright?” Confused you raised an eyebrow. Did the vaccines make them delusional?

“No, I’m fine.” You answered, somewhat snippy, even when you didn’t know why you were so agitated.

“But you look rather pale, maybe you- I am fine.” You interrupted her and continued your path.

Were all people in this shitty town stupid or- The thought could not be completed, due to you suddenly losing consciousness.

When you woke up again, you immediately recognized one of the Hells Pass Hospital rooms, once your eyes had adjusted to the bright lights. Around the bed were your parents and more importantly Stan and his mother.

“Thank God, you’re awake again!” Your mother said when she went for a hug.

Confused you asked why you were here.

“Well, seemingly you were so stressed out, that your body basically shut down.”

Somewhat shocked you looked around. Was it really a surprise to hear that? Not really, but it still felt odd knowing that it happened.

“Well, I’m glad you’re fine, Y/N.” Misses Marsh commented and smiled warmly at you. She had always liked you and you felt the same. She was always nice to you and you felt like she was the only one with a brain in the family…

Feeling a sudden sensation of warmness on your hand, your eyes darted down to it. Stan held you hand while answering something your dad had asked him.

“Well, Sharon, you wanna accompany us to get some hot chocolate for us all?”

Your mother said with an odd wink, which made you and Stan roll your eyes.

The three adults left the room chatting happily. Stan looked at you with a stern expression, which kind of surprised you.

“I swear, whenever I think I couldn’t get more worried about you, your parents call me, to tell me that you’re in the hospital.”

“Worried? About me? I should be worried about you?” You laughed to which Stan shook his head.

“Listen, everyone has been super worried about you since you seemed so down and just exhausted. Like, Kyle already called me earlier to ask if you’re awake again. I don’t know why you worry about me; I am really fine babe. Promise.”

With that said, the door opened, and your parents came back inside.

“Y/N, the doctor said they would like you to stay the night, so they can check that you’re really alright.” Your father informed you and you were immediately annoyed.

Well, you had no choice but to oblige. Your parents left after an hour, wanting to get you some clothes and other things you’d need.

Sharon also bids her goodbye and so you and Stan were left.

And just like you wished, you got to cuddle with him. He held you close, and you vented to him, how worried you were about everything and everyone, while he told you just how worried all of your friends had been since you were acting so out of character.

“Even Cartman?”

“Yup, even when he would never admit it.” Stan laughed. He held your hand tight, and his content smile never left his face.

“I think we should talk more about feelings and being worried and all that. I know I’m not all that good at it, but I don’t ever wanna have to visit you in a hospital again.” Stan said, giving your hand a squeeze.

“That sounds good. But you gotta accept, I worry a lot, because I care a lot about you, okay?” You said sternly and Stan nodded. You two looked fondly at each other and just enjoyed the time you got.

“Together forever?” You asked and he whispered “Forever.”, before he pressed a sweet kiss onto your lips.

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

Tell me more about this fake relationship au I’m interested 👀

I AM GLAD YOU ASKED

So its not all that thought out right now, because I thought it up last night. I'll make a whole post on it when I'm done because it has become clear to me that this is about to become one of my AUs (aka way to thought out and researched). So you're about to get what my brain decided to spit ball at me last night. It was basically 3 dif scenarios. One was time travel of all things 🤷‍♀️

So the root of all these is that Jacques did something (again) that upset a lot of people, and people are huddled up in a group (in the training room? break room?) talking about it. Someone mentions how it doesnt matter what anyone does, it doesnt really effect the guy personally. Marrow says something along the lines of "I wish we could hurt him personally, just once, just to finally get a hit in" (is he allowed to say that on the job? idk but its fanfic so). And either Weiss or Winter suggests the fake dating/marriage idea. I like to think Winter has a lot of personality inside her, she just only expresses anger/irritation outwardly, which Marrow will discover through this journey 😏. So does she like the idea of facing her dad when he's mad? Its canon that she doesnt but Weiss seems to enjoy making him mad when she's not there to get yelled at so I'm transferring that to Winter and dialing it up a bit. So basically Marrow wants to take a potshot at either Jacques or just Atlas elite society in general and Winter is always down for pissing off her dad.

Now heres where things get shifty. Right now Im only coming up with Married For Years dynamic or Oh Shit This Is Serious level of situation which doesnt quite work with the prank vibes this began as. Like Winter and Marrow being forced to have dinner with her parents and stuff after they "eloped", which is just angst, and i was going for Winter and Marrow playing into whatever crazy thing the tabloids are saying. And like by doing this (real or fake) they could be breaking a lot of fraternization rules, turning a fake scandal into a real one. Granted the media, and therefore everyone Jacques has to talk to at functions, cares more about a Schnee dating a faunus. Winter and Ironwood are pretty tight so I dont think either would loose their job. They might try to get Ironwood to officiate their wedding, in a version where they go all in, and he has to say no because if he does that he will officially burn every bridge he has with Jacques and the military kinda needs his dust.

so basically i gotta decide if its gonna be funny, and in turn how much i can stretch their personalities before they get OOC, or it would be serious, with Winter and Marrow trying to keep this up when they dont actually know much about each other and the Ace Ops making unhelpful commentary (*cough* referring to Winter by names Marrow now knows Winter hates, like "cold-hearted" *cough*). I dont see it as "we were drunk and in Vegas and thought it was a funny idea" type thing but also that would be HILARIOUS and i just cant take it off the table yet. Im also having trouble coming up with why Marrow would agree to this, because someone would def try to talk him out of it and a lot is on the line for a prank

as for the time travel one (it was actually this first one that popped into my head and i dont even like that trope, and now its kinda my fav option for this) it was Winter (and Marrow?) ending up back in time during V7 or before era, and present!Marrow seeing a whole nother side of her when she slips and acts like this version of him is her husband, and the Ace Ops actually seeing her express emotion since future!Marrow has managed to pull some personality into her external expressions. And the whole reason they are happily married never wouldve happened if they hadnt gotten married to piss off Jacques. Also Ice Queen Schnee glaring at everyone but being soft around her fun guy husband. Like she's staring daggers at Harriet while Marrow hands her a ice pack and sits next to her on the couch before putting his arm around her and she leans in. Maybe the fight with Cinder left her with lasting injuries (it prob did. I mean she was in a exoskeleton just to walk in V8) and in the following year Marrow got hurt too, so Ruby is over in the corner calling them "old" when they start complaining about how the Atlas cold is making their bodies hurt and "this is why we moved to [insert warm location here]"