#i cant explain myself bc i just woke up but

[mirandacaroll]

one of the things i like most about the english language is that it can so.. politely surprise itself (??)

take this:

"For those of you who've just tuned in, you may be interested to know that, er ... two men, two rather scruffily attired men, and indeed a sofa — a Chesterfield I think?"

"Yes, a Chesterfield."

"Have just materialized here in the middle of Lord's Cricket Ground.”

indeed!!! this is such a fucking funny and understated little moment bc of that ONE word that i, at least, would have no idea how to translate. (But then I did fail my translation studies final)

[thatdeadaquarius]

SAGAU / Isekai Genshin:

You can still use your characters! ... as in possessing them 👻

(all art by me down below, hope its decent lol - did it for u guys and myself i mean what )

Edit 9/7/23: 1,500+ NOTES??? BRO WHAT!! THABK YOU <3

Edit 12/24/23 + 4/5/24:

☆

My dumbass forgot to put this here .-.

Anywya this is a full length fanfic now ;)

PART 1 (you're here!) / Part 2

So.

You got sucked into a video game. 

Crazy, but it happens ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

yknow how it issss

...you very quickly discover that unfortunately video game rules still apply...

which wouldn't normally be an issue! like, needing to use the bathroom in the middle of a fight? Nope! minor cuts and bruises like papercuts, only actual enemies or fall damage counting? hell yeah that'd be great (theoretically no chronic pains if you got that?? hmmmm unsure)

see the issue comes when you realize, you as a player, don't have a "character" that's all your own

there's aether/lumine yeah.. but bc the game's real now, they're their own people, and you didn't wake up to find yourself as a blonde twin...

the closest you can describe your form as is .. like a seelie?

or like the way ghosts look in game?

but a lot more "starry"

like your specterlike, but you look like you got filled up with stars and the milky way, maybe a reference of you being from another universe/world? (aether/lumine/dainsleif/khaenriah star symbol reference secret thEORY-)

but yah.

you also got just, white eyes.

like, not iris, not pupil. like your pupil and iris got erased

you gotta admit, at least you look really aesthetic now.

(u also got a little cape and hood on at all times, and you cant take it off to see your starrified hair >:/ ,very Blue Diamond-esque, look up Steven Universe, Blue Diamond if you dont know who im talking about)

so needless to say, as soon as you sort of glitched your way into existence you were HYPE

i mean ur ACTUALLY IN TEYVAT WITH THE BOYSSSS

...then you realize your a spooky-no-character-to-pilot-around-thus-no-character-model-body-for-you thingy

and that you cant touch stuff!! >:(

like wth!!!

thats just downright unfair.

so, you figure if you got no body to be.... you gotta find a new "character" to pilot >:)

...

I choose you, yellow fungi!

...

....

you're in the fucking woods (Sumeru somewhere obv, u knew that the moment you opened ur eyes),

what'd you expect?? an archon??

..wait a minute. can you possess an archon-

these kinda thoughts plague your first few days of irl genshin impact playing

a rishabold tiger? yep.

a sumpter beast? kinda slow and heavy feeling but yeah.

...you also try a ruin machine LOL

by far, the fungi and ruin machines are the best to possess, mostly because you can remain upright with those

(tho u did find some type of flying monkey that wasnt in game, but its like,, a real world and jungle now so that makes sense there'd be more complexity + stuff)

you do eventually think you should try and possess a person at this point... but ur kinda nervous 👉👈

its ur first time doin this okay nobody explained the basics to you youve been winging for a week now!

will your mind be replaced with theirs? it hasn't been so far with the creatures/bots

and as far as you can tell, they kinda just-

forget what happened or "wake up" after you possess them

(the tiger you were for a day looked confused as hell when it realized that there was a new pile of fruit next to it when it "woke up", it was your way of saying thank you to the animals of the jungle, u left them little piles of food you collected running around as them)

so THEORHETICALLY-

you should be good to go and possess a random poor eremite

... you figure you want to possess something human-like eventually even if you get a puppet body like wanderer/raiden so...

here goes nothing...

♤

so it's been 2 weeks since you've been forcefully yanked into teyvat, and by the second week, you were trying to possess eremites

which! worked out!

mostly..!

you kinda convinced the entirety of two eremite camps that a certain part one of sumeru's forests is hella haunted bc ppl keep "blacking out" and doing things they don't remember doing, yknow... like possesssion LMAO

they kinda ran off to escape you but, hey!

experiment #2: people possession, success!!

now you were kinda convinced of this when you realized no matter the angle the animals and machines of sumeru didnt react to you getting super close to them (you dont have to touch something to posses it, just look at it really, but you wanted to test limits, so you walked up to sumpter beasts and fungi and ruin machines)

but no one can see you.

you don't have a "character" most of the time, you can float and glide around the ground like scaramouche lol

you cant touch stuff bc of this, you cant smell stuff (u saw the eremites campfires & couldnt smell the smoke until you were them)

you cant eat stuff w/o a body, so.. it makes sense that the eremites and passing merchants, cant see you when you float around, trying to reorient yourself after 2 weeks of experimenting

:( ur only a lil sad about it... but mostly not bc lol u got possession powers so trade off u guess

the first time you see a vision-bearer you literally scream

LMAO

ur so lucky u cant be seen or heard

bc Collei would have def screamed back lol

needless to say u stalk the forest ranger- ALL DAY.

Collei goes on patrol around the woods? you go on a patrol.

collei goes to visit other forest rangers? you "visit" other forest rangers at base (lol u def possess a guy who was asleep on a bench nearby & wake up to go talk to Collei "in-person", poor guy was so worried he sleep walked/talked so hard he went to see Tighnari an hour later lmao)

welp, you decide this is your life now, follow Collei everywhere, talk one-sided to Collei until you can possess a forest ranger w/o it being suspicious (dont wanna turn the poor rangers into the terrified eremites from a week or two ago...)

then, after you get the courage and erase the paranoia that tighnari can just... somehow hear your ghostly bullshit-

u do the same to Tighnari (then Cyno when he visits! no u didnt squeal, so what, nobody can hear you- )

♧

Tighnari begins to get suspicious about 3 weeks into this routine.

he's been starting to collect and start a file on all the rangers or nearby villagers that've started randomly "blacking out/sleep walking" in the evenings usually

(u possess as close to nighttime as u can so it seems like sleepwalking)

So when Cyno comes back from a mission gone wrong,

having nearly been decapitated by a rogue flying ruin machine, only to black out and come to standing calmly 10 feet further than he remembered being 1 minute ago...

Tighnari's suspicions are confirmed, and he launches into researching this phenomenon.

his first thought is something like the aranara, but that doesn't account for the effect this thing is having on people

after all, what little forest spirit is strong enough to-

-control humans??

Tighnari begins to get the sense he's in over his head after he finds himself pushed into going into Sumeru City in order to collect more library books or ask around if the blackouts have spread to the city people

he answer is negative, on both accounts.

and he spends about one half of the day walking around, and the other reading up all he can on mythical creatures or ailments

Tighnari gives up for the day, and as he makes his way back to Ghandarvaville, he almost gets ambushed by some particularly nasty muggers

...and then he wakes up 20 feet away, his denro vision thrumming with power, full of worry and fondness for himself??, (just like Cyno said he felt happen to him..)

...Tighnari decides he needs reinforcements.

YOU GUYS-

UR LOCAL ZODIAC SIGN OBSESSED W/GENSHIN HIT A CHARACTER LIMIT ON A POST FINALLY. 😦

??? THIS WOULDVE BEEN LONGER BUT I BARELY GOT SPACE FOR THIS- I- EVEN THE QIQI POST DIDNT HIT LIMIT-

uh cya ig!!

Safe travels lmao,

💀♒️

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist @revonie / @hat-on-a-cat / @takottai / @sickly-falling (?) / @iruiji

(Sorry about the late tag! I forgot to update my taglist before i posted this 💀 my bad guys)

Also if the people who got put there who i couldnt find a blog for see this, idk what went wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ - maybe check and see if ur setting for "being able to be searched/looked up" is turned on?? Idk man

[talon-dragonbeast]

some time ago i talked about my urge to fly on windy days or whenever i got to high places, and my particular method of taking off as a dragon

well, ive just watched a video of a vulture being released from a wildlife rehab. the video showed the bird opening its wings to the max, waiting for the wind to hit them and then hopping and taking off.

and yall. thats EXACTLY how ive described my method, down to the opening of the wings and the lil hop at the end. and ive researched a bit and in big birds like vultures of albatrosses, taking off normally isnt really doable bc theyre really heavy, so they take advantage of the air currents and often drop off high places like cliffs. that is exactly what i do! as a dragon, my body is really big and heavy (thats why my wings are so big, to support my weight in flight). to take off, i cant just jump into the air like birds do, i need a lil extra help. so i use the wind and the heights to my advantage. like a vulture!

ive also noticed i have an instinctual knowledge of how the air and the currents work, even before realising i was a dragon. like i see the birds in the sky and i know how theyre able to fly, how the wind carries them and even the currents theyre following. i watch them and see myself in their movements; i know that if i had the anatomy, i could do the same as them without much issue. if i woke up tomorrow and there were wings on my back, id know how to use them; i wouldnt need learn how to fly because i already know how. i cant explain how that knowledge entered my head, but it is there, like i was born to fly. but thats impossible, because i dont believe in past lives or that i was a dragon before being a human. i just am, right now; a dragon in a human body that somehow knows how to fly. its really weird, but also cool.

[teh-inggris]

New pvp civ spoiler!!!! (basically just my commentary as im watching the new episode

I WOKE UP LIKE SOME MINUTES AGO AND SAW THE NOTIF??? DUDE I WAS CALMLY EATCHING THEN SEEING SEAWATTS SKIN ACTUALLY SHOCKED THE TIREDNESS OUT OF ME I HAD SUCH A VISCERAL REACTION OH MY GOD BOWWATT IS REALLLL

AND THE ANIMATIONNN QDANDY COOKED ONCE MORE

The trident disappeared aw naw. But evbos line in this tho😭 "fortunately missed, skill issue"

Omg wait?? So natural born swords actually CANT harm him?? Like hit as much as they want he wouldnt even take damage??

HI PARROT

"its not like theres everyone to fight him-" STOP JINXING SHIT

Also as im watching this im just thinking like. Seawatt gave him 1 min to explain himself but its been approx 14 min now. Wonder what theyre doing right now in bow civ like is seawatt just voluntarily listening to all of this😭

"if a player is defeated by a secondary weapon instead of an actual weapon, the defeated player's weapon can be picked up and put in your inventory" ok so the nat born swords were basically burnt alive or killed by potion effects (bc im assuming the only secondary weapons are flint n steel and potions) by the other civs and farmed for their swords before evbo even existed thats. cool

EVBO KILLED HIS OWN KIN 😭😭 the emotion in his line when realized that tho😭😭😭

So green is bow. thats cool

SO IM CORRECT. IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THE WEAPON IS, as long as the player is still holding a weapon theyll still live!! Thats why tabi was allowed to switch between the eternal sword and her axe!!

HOLY SHIT CLOWNPIERCE

and it ends like that......

Anyway i checked the comments. and . bro what is this

its true ig seavbo is still real in another universe. doomed yaoi too strong it transcends realm or whatever. i hope seawatt gets to live till the end of the story and doesnt die bc he got betrayed by someone he thought he could trust tho 😃 ahahhaha <- trying not to jinx myself

Anywayss!!!!! im getting ideas for new art. Rubs my hand together

WAIT WAIT WSIT I JUST REALIZED. OH MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED TO BOW CIV IS LIKE A REPEAT OF WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FIGHTER LEVEL OH MY. G G.G... HEAD IN MY HANDSSSS HES THE ONLY SURVIVOR LEFT IN HIS CIV AND HE SWORE VENGEANCE AGAINST EVERY SWORD WHO ENTERED TO AVENGE EVERYONE WHO DIED. HEAD IN MY HANDSS IVE SEEN THIS FILM BEFORE. AND I DIDNT LIKE THE ENDINGG

[mrstellmeafuckingsecret]

diplomats son by vampire weekend is lowkey sirius/barty though(i forget the shipname)

HI okay idk why i havent answered this. YES SO TRUE !!!

the meanings r frm genius so if im wrong im not dumb its their fault ><

it's not right, but it's now or never / and if i wait, could i ever forgive myself? - 'it's not right' for bcjr cd mean internalized homophobia n for sirius internalized homophobia + hooking up w a nazi but like this is a once in a life time opportunity and whoo is giving that up bfr

cause I'm gonna cut it where i can / and then i'm gonna duck out behind them - "sex w no strings attached" ... or is it ??? "im gna fuck off when im done w you" but like you cant ghh ,,, and like the behind them part too like its v secretive-ish -

if i ever had a chance it's now then / but i never had the feeling i could offer that to you - they r insecure boys <33 !!! they both feel so strongly about one another yet can't reciprocate it

to offer to you would be so cruel / when all i want to do is use, use you - this. this is deathstar at its finest right here. its fucked up enough that they both know how they only want the other to use them - for sex, to shed emotional baggage, to get their aggression out, to fight to whatevr but they offer the smallest kindness which is not letting the other in fully ever bcz what they think is love rn will then definitely turn into love (but like their own fucked up ver of love)

he was a diplomat's son, it was '81 - self explanatory i fear,

with my car keys hidden in the kitchen - okay genius says this is abt getting some1 drunk and raping them but um !!! i will . i will choose to ignore that bc that lowk doesnt make sense,

and the sight of your two shoes sitting in the bathtub / let me know that i shouldn't give up just yet - rare soft deathstar?? aw theyre in love !! :3 (or they killed someone idk)

'cause i'm gonna take it from simon / and then i'm gonna duck out behind them / if i ever had a chance it's now then / but i never had the feeling i could offer that to you / to offer it to you would be cruel / when all i want to do is use, use you - okay so according to genius + my brain is that simon (sirius!) is a friend (wellll not in deathstar context , but in the context of the song (i think)) and 'it' is sex? i think virginity but like nawr not here. so like if deathstar were ever friends this goes crazy bc barty (the one saying this) is like omg ive wanted to sleep w him for so long and now im realizing that i might be able to do it ??? + sexually incompetent barty is lowk a treasure to me soo.. and yeah then theres a little bit more guilt where bartys like i dont want HIM i want to sleep with him , i want to use him ! ofc sirius is just as apathetic and detached as barty is but barty doesnt know that !

i know, you'll say i'm not doing it right / but this is how i want it / i can't go back to how i felt before, there's / that night i smoked a joint with my best friend / we found ourselves in bed, when i woke up, he was gone - okay !! i've been thinking abt this in sirius pov . like post-deathstar w whoever he's with he's used to it (it=sex) being painful and quick and dirty and it's how he's used to it, how he wants it. 'before' is all the quick dangerous pleasure he felt with barty and the night he smoked a joint with his best friend which is JAMESS <333 because PRONGSFOOT <3333333 but i fear this may have been unrequited .... because sirius woke up alone ,,, which could have been the reason he strayed along outside of his social circle in the first place . on the other hand i like this in bartys pov where the not doing it right is sirius telling him how to fuck because kjskg its funni, . the best friend is sirius because ouchers !! angst ^^ !!! sirius wakes up and he's been thinking about leaving this toxic thing he has w barty for a while now but he decides if he doesnt leave now he never will (+ barty is obsessiveee he will nawt let sirius go.) so he leaves wo explaining anything to barty at all

looking out at the ice-cold water all around me / i can't feel any traces of that other place / in the dark, when the wind comes racing off the river / there's a car all black with diplomatic plates - post deathstar , both sides ? unhealthy coping mechanisms core they dont want to be back with one another but they cant exist alone . they remember each other forevr <3

[bathroomtrapped]

ohmygod i literally just made an account on letterboxd bc i watched saw (2004) and loved it so much and ur interview was so inspiring to me and ive been on an absolute craze trying to reblog like every single saw post on tumblr and i somehow found your account what the heck?!!?!?! ur art is AMAZING and i absolutely love ur takes on saw as a franchise and its significance to the queer community. i hope to be as knowledgeable of this franchise as you are one day despite me only being a baby saw fan!!

i had a quick question; i found on the saw heritage post blog that they thought leigh/james/someone else confirmed that saw (2004) did not actually occur the day before 9/11 despite the phone given to them being set to that date. however, when i asked them if they knew where this source was from (bc im so curious!!! i want to know everything!!!!!!) but neither they nor i could find the actual source for that so i was wondering if maybe u knew??? just curious :3

regardless ty for taking the time to read this and dedicating so much time to this fandom!! i love that horror fans like you exist in a fandom that i previously thought would be weird and slightly disturbed film bros (i had a lot of incorrect preconceived notions about saw that have been quickly resolved i promise)

thank you!! im glad that people feel the same way about it as i do but even if people thought i was some crazy transexual making everyone else woke and pronouns, i wouldnt care. the story, especially lawrences but adams as well, really resonates with me as a trans person for so so many reasons, more than i listed in the interview. to me, i cant read his character without filling in the gaps with trans subtext. it not only explains but also enriches the personal experiences of these characters as well as their dynamics with each other. theyre both characters that are defined primarily by how theyre seen by other people, themselves, and eventually each other. the narrative is soooo focused on perception and masks and who u truly are, i find it hard to separate any kind of queer theory from that.

as for the 9/11 question thats such a dumbass pet peeve of mine. its one of the things that makes me shout UMMMM ACTUALLY at the top of my lungs. my blood pressure sours to inhuman levels when someone confidently says the movie takes place not just in 2001 but the day before 9/11. not because of some interview or confirmation from any of the crew because my knowledge of old fandom history is incredibly spotty. old sites and interviews r a mystery to me for the most part BUT! the reason it is for sure not before 9/11 is because during the flashback of pauls trap (during lawrences monologue about jigsaw) kerry tapp and sing are all at the scene with other officers and i believe its kerry who holds up an evidence bag thats labeled 2004. the scene takes place 5 months before the events of saw 1 so its not possible that it takes place 3 years before that. it just seemed like a funny (but insanely bold considering how 9/11 was only 3 years before) joke and easter egg for people to catch on to, not actual lore meant to be taken seriously.

if u want to look for the interview, i would honestly just listen to the commentary tracks bc it mightve been said there. i know in the one with leigh, james, and cary they discuss plot holes fans complained about, questions fans had online, the fanfic they read (briefly LOL). ive only seen that one (and once) but theres at least 2 other commentary tracks with different people that i havent gotten around to for fear of like. completing saw? idk i cant bring myself to watch all of the commentary tracks but theres a chance they discuss it there! i can only speculate on the reason, all i know is that saw 2004 takes place in 2004 based on actual evidence from the media itself

if u have any other questions let me know. i still have the original draft of the interview which had more questions and longer responses bc i couldve gone on for days abt the lore and saw queer theory and ill never shut up about it

[cheeseandbretboy]

since turns out informed consent is practiced in australia i dont really need a gd diagnosis and i hoped if i got one my mother would believe me but its been so long and ive distanced myself from her because i thought she wouldn't even speak to me, she said she will probably still stay in contact but wont accept me and will use the wrong name and pronouns forever and i dont think i can stay around her a lot if thats the case the point of therapy was that she would understand me but if its not gonna go anywhere whats the point?? ik what i want ive been thinking about this my entire life and sigh she expects me to be 100% fine after YEARS of being ignored, she knew i was having a hard time and that i was cutting myself and starving and wanting to kms but its only now when my sister brings it up she thinks its best to do it, and like, wow! it is actually too late. i got myself through all that alone and now that im stable she wants to 'explore other options'. i tried explaining conversion therapy does not work but she doesn't care. idk what to do chat! sister said to wait it out and she will probably get better but i doubt it. i dont know if i can mentally take it if she cant just respect me, i get not being supportive but just using the right prns cant be that difficult, at least TRYING?! she said i was selfish and overreacting when i said it would be difficult for me to stay in touch regularly if that was the case ughggh and i thought she was a woke liberal but even she wont use other prns or terms to refer to me (ok that i get, maybe she will when im older) but she blatantly said it's a phase for me, that being queer is a phase nowadays and i just couldnt really believe she said that. i told her why the fuck would i want to be trans for a trend if i will literally not be able to come to the country where all my family is and where im from because i'll either be killed or arrested, and she said 'exactly, you said it doesnt matter what others think so why would you medically transition' and ok she doesn't understand thats ok, i tried explaining i have dysphoria but she cut me off saying im too negative and she cant talk to me about this. 'i dont gaf about your identity, i dont want to talk about this. just shut up and keep it to urself' i am so confuse guys bc she asked that we become closer and i tell her my issues.. i do not think she actually cares for me as a sister she never did, she bullied me endlessly and blamed it on her depression (which hey fair, but thats an explanation not an excuse and i have yet to recieve an apology) mother did nothing about that just let it happen like the abuse from my dad and i was happy to give her another chance i really looked up to her but she doesnt give a fuck about me she only likes me when its easy when im not selfish and egotistical (by the way guys she called me a hypochondriac isnt that crazy??) and like sigh i kind of hoped she would support but she does not.. 'you see mother is from a different generation, but im gen z i understand you' yea and u say queerness is a trend what the fleck... i get its difficult for ur sibling to be trans its really fucking annoying and heartbreaking but oh my god! and somehow she got it in her head that i tried convincinb mother to medically transition.. I HAVENT SPOKEN TO HER ABT TRANS STUFF FOR 3 YEARS THE FLIP I HAVE NOT.. i was going to wait it out with her and see if she adjusts bc shes my sister yk! but after 'why cant you just not transition' that just shows she is not willing to hear me out and see it from my perspective.. tbh this is just cis ppl, its difficult to understand smth that u dont have, that u take for granted. sighghgghgh sm happened but im back to distancing i was just confused but everything is still bad why did i let myself get sort of hopeful she said awful things that ill never forget its her greatest fear

[imreallynotokaybutimtrying]

fuckkkkk i didn't need that (just text but like, vent again so whee)

ive like, got them as my fp (diagnosed bpd finally wooohooooo what a process) which doesn't help our relationship so like pls don't just 'man, they aren't good for you' or 'thats unfair' or 'stop being dramatic' ive got bpd. they dont fully get it yet. it's a process and im incapable of leaving them rn bc id likely kill myself for it

anyway. they just went to bed. after saying they were tired and goodnight on call to me in the middle of me rambling (which they said twice was okay to me after me being paranoid that i wasnt rly being that interesting or considerate) and ive been trying to distract myself from everything bc its literally painful for me and ive been trying to search for ways to just, not focus on being suicidal and wanting to self harm and everything. and i hate myself for everything point blank but. they just.. it was so sudden and abrupt? and so i completely shut down but then i got angry bc in the middle of me typing a message to explain for when they woke up, they messaged. it was like ten minutes after they said gn. and then act like 'well you seemed upset so i wanted to check' no fucking shit??? you interrupted someone with both adhd and bpd mid conversation to leave? with no indication of needing to prior? ofc im gonna take it personally??

so like, having that, and then just try to tell me to stay safe so im like. relapsing, not severely, in spite almost because i hate being told to stay safe after they just. go. they leave me to myself when it isn't really that late for them and how they used to be and then expect im gonna be okay when they leave while im then trying to explain what's wrong. like stop fucking confusing me you couldve just fucking gone to bed initially since that's what started it and doing it again just made it worse. and i feel so shitty. i feel like a terrible person, a monster, and i cant fix it. so here i am just.. doing the opposite of thriving and trying not to kill myself. but im great

[xamaxenta]

I just need you to know that your existence is good for my mental health. Thank you for being authentically you. Thank you for posting the "ultra bonkers shit." Whenever you warn your followers about the rest of the contents of a post, it's usually followed by the kind of things I want to see most.

I was feeling ashamed of myself and my place in fandom, because of my "weird interests" that "no one wants to see" and was fighting back against it and had a bunch of normal arguments like they tell you to make in therapy and then had the thought about the fact that my favorite tag of yours is the one for the stuff you consider most taboo. My own most taboo writing has the most hits of any of my stuff on AO3.

This shit is the backbone of fandom. If I want to read your words, even when you say they are ultra bonkers, someone wants to read mine. Shame has no place here. Thank you for being a good example of that.

This is legitimately one of the kindest things anyone has ever said about me and my online presence

Thank you to you too for being authentic to yourself anon

I get it, its hard to go balls to the walls about certain content because in the year 2k23 people —overgeneralisation here and i am not singling out/targeting any age group except maybe minors who should be very careful about the content and things they consume online that may or may not be tagged (hopefully they are, sincerely tumblr remains the best social media platform for this that ive been on that has such an extensive personalised tagging system) — uh back to year 2023 and people find faults in ALOT of things and disregard the tags

I find it unfortunate that authors on AO3 get the brunt of this a ton like ayo the tags? Exist? I know we dont like thesis length tagging but they are there for a reason I think its silly authors have to put additional disclaimers in the summary/chapter notes for extra coverage just in case someone doesn’t properly process their tags, a silly necessity

At first before i started the “xam screams about (ultra) bonkers stuff” tags i was also a little ashamed and definitely nervous like will people like this? Im not entirely sure so I will do my damn best to prevent upsetting anyone, but I cant cater to everyone who decides to follow me (thank you btw why but im grateful) and the exploration of taboo topics makes me happy if that makes sense

Does liking and wanting to discuss/explore/create content around subjects like this make me or you a bad person, no because content creation esp fan content is self indulgence, fanfiction and fanart of a prexisting piece of media is self indulgence and hedonism at its finest

Its why we even have arts and entertainment culture in the first place and should you so desire to attach your heart to a special little blorbo of your choosing, a lovely precious (pathetic) meowmeow if you will, then its not uncommon to want to put them through the wringer, why idk probably psychological reasoning jargon needs to be here but i just woke up and I can’t explain this part very well bc this is a personal experience im speaking from

This got really long but I agree with all your points, angst tropes that lead into dead dove trope etc are the backbone of fandom whether you like it or not, theyre just as present as fluff and everybody lives aus its just how it is

We’re all pretty similar when it comes to enjoying the same fandom spaces, people just dont wanna admit it haha

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Dream I had last night that I need to put I to words somewhere please tell me if the readmore doesn't work bc I cant trust mobile

(Tw for. Idk blood?? Implied death??? It was a bad dream)

I dont remember all the details beforehand bit Alfie was there, I was talking to my mum. Charlie was there.

I think my mum tackled her or threw something at her? Idk but. I ran to check on her and. She fell on her glasses or something she had a shard stuck in her neck

Mum goes to call an ambulance and I'm there holding her and suddenly the wound starts bleeding a LOT. Too much. I'm holding my sister bleeding out and I scream at out mother to HELP bc she was a nurse but she didn't do anything.

Alfie woke me up then. They later said I was breathing really heavily and whining in my sleep which...that's how I explain it to them when I wake them up if I think they're having a ptsd episode. Fucking. That was with me all day. Even after I messaged Charlie to make sure she was safe I can still see it on my head herting there with something sticking out of her neck and blood flowing and I don't know what to do

Im free but she isn't. And I hate myself for not getting her safe first. I cant tell her. I don't want to tell Alfie and they didn't ask details ( I dont ask for theirs and they're way more regular than mine) I just needed to SAY it. Acknowledge that it happened but it wasn't real and she's alive and safe. Which. She is. She's at our grans. She isn't comfortable but she's safe.

We were fucking abused. We (I, at least) have fucking ptsd from our abuse. Mum can whine about the all she FUCKING wants abuse isn't just physical WE ARE FUCKED UP because of her and I'm so. Fu king angry.

[sunmoonjune]

OKAY I WENT TO SLEEP WITH A SMILE N WOKE UP WITH A GIGGLE N WNET ABOUT WORK WITH A SKIP AND DROVE HOME W A LIL CHANT ☺️ bug 🥰 bug 🕺 bug 🙌 bug 💃 bug 🤗 KNOWING LTM HAD BEEN UPDATED HEHE

finally managed to wait until i had finished work to snuggle into bed and read and asdfgh ONE WORD INTO THE CHAPTER AND IM ALR SCREAMING OFC BUGS GONNA REQUEST FOR SAN I-

hj using bug's language to thank wy for bringing them both back home safe bestboi!hongjoong 🫶 and the fact that bug made a sign for 'home' but never drew it again after creating it bc she never had a place to call home but now she's signing it again and again for hj to know what a damn good leader he is hNNG

also sry i know it's a rly cute and touching scene when bug appoints yeosang to five taps but im also cackling imagining her fingers tapping rapid fire like eight times if she keeps naming the rest of ateez the same way HAHAHA bug's hand be like: 🫳👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇 not me quadruple checking i had the correct number of finger emojis

peep the results of moonie's ✨research✨ to describe how san smells im kicking my feet uGH sanbug are FINALLY reunited in the softest way possible 'my san' and 'my bug' PLSSSSS

also HONEY ?? LOVE ?? BABY ?? DARLIGN? ? sWEEt GIRL ? moonie really slapping us left right up down front n back with the pet names. but nothing beats yunho calling bug anything related to little or tiny - im so biased for yunho and size differences 🥹

BUG REMOVING HER MASK AND THE TOWEL THE AMOUNT OF TRUST AND VULNERABILITY SHE IS SHOWING TO YUNHO IM SO PROUD OF HER Omg MG and then THE LAST SENTENCE ???????? THAT AINT FEEDING US BREADCRUMBS TO HER PAST THATS MORE LIKE A WHOLE ASS LOAF OMG i cant wait for you to slowly reveal more and more of bug's history

this whole chapter makes me want to punch a wall and sprint a marathon just so i can feel human again bc im a bumbling soft mess of goo and feels rn nobody touch me 🫠🫣🤧

everybody say 📢thank u moonie📢 for blessing us with such a long chapter and for all your hard work!! okay now excuse me whilst i go and reread ch 1-15 again 🫡

FOWFWIMFOENURG I'M CRYING I love messages like this!!! send me your reviews send me every thought you have about the chapter!!! I love love love it!! <333

hehehehe I too chant bug! bug <33 bug<3 (tbh this is san LMAO)

hongjoong used bug's language talking to wooyoung so instinctually I don't even know if he realized :')) it's just so natural to him now <3 bestboi! hongjoong indeed!! also might I add,,, the fact that yunho taught hongjoong the sign for 'home' even though bug had never used it,,, almost as if he knew that one day she might... :'))

also LMAO yeah I see it xD you really have to pay attention like,,, wait do it again I think I miss counted, how many times was that?? I think after yeosang the names will have different touches since after five it's going to get complicated xD I might throw in some other shapes at some point haha

SANBUG REUNION!!! 'my san' -- 'my bug' I was crying screaming throwing up writing that I swear <33 made myself so emotional I could cry

(also totally irrelevant,,, but I made my mom cry when I was explaining the meaning behind all of the boy's symbols earlier :') I was so excited that I just started talking about them to see if they made sense and seonghwa's made her cry :"D she thought it was so freaking sweet what he said about being reborn as a universe <33 like yeah I'm in love with seonghwa too xD )

the nicknames!! I really said ateez loves bug and what about it?? xD gosh san nearly outright admitted it and bug is like,,, he cares about me??? me?? huh?

bug took off her mask!! for the first time without needing to!! she loves yun so much <33 their trust in each other is insurmountable I swear I'm gonna cry -- the last line tho,, there will be more on that soon too D": it truly was a loaf size breadcrumb of her past, our poor bug <3

I'm so so so happy you enjoyed the chapter!!! thank you so so much my dear <33 I adored your commentary hehe thank you again <33

[starsdailyjournal]

Journaling for my mental health as an epic scene girl (not clickbait) Day 1!

Today (sunday) I woke up at like 12:44 am or pm idkkkk but it was when the sun was up and like my dad had asked me to call him and since I have like ptsd I tweaked out but I brushed my teeth first because like I'm trying to get myself into the routine of doing that now. Anyway I called him and he just wanted me to like make my sister breakfast and put the food we made in the fridge but like he rlly freaked me out by just texting me "Call me when you wake up.". And he said he was getting us pizza which is now one of my least favorite things to hear from him (because of the c-a-l-o-r-i-e-s and because I'm really bad at expressing grattitude to him since we are sorta close (he is my bio dad I've known him all my life its complicated). But anyway I made my lil sister (10 yr old nerd) an awesome omelet with mozerela and sausage slices AND a cheese crust idk how to explain it basically I put cheese in a pan after I made the omelet and when it was still melty and not hard I put the omelet I already made on it and the I folded the whole thing when the cheese was cooked!! I bet it was yummy idk tho but anyway after that I scammed someone on adopt me (l-o-l) for like an fr panda, r sloth and nfr or nr hydra they got 20k rh diamonds tho soooo yk its fine!!! I was gonna scam sum more but like I got stuck trying to figure out how to use razer cortex (because royale high is so laggy on this dumb laptop) and I was stuck on that for hours legit untile dinner!! but while I was stuck on that my dad came home and gave me some chocolate which was nice but it also sucked because I CANT express grattitude its rlly hard for me bc I'm too grateful that I feel like if I tried to put into words the gratuity I feel I would spaz. BUT anyway I haven't eaten the chcolate yet (also its dark chocolate and if u dont fw dark chcolate ur ai generated) but I did eat 2 slices of this rlly oily garlic pizza for dinner just now! it was gross and I lowk cant stand that it's in my system (iykyk) but I can't do nun abt it BUT I am starting my fast rn and it should last this whole week!! So that'll make up for this but erm IDK ahhahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't like talking abt eating but this is an honest journal... Should I add TWs?? Bc I rlly dont wanna I be sleepy at night which is when I'll be typing these out. Omgeee also like I've wanted to go back to being quarantine level chronically online 4ever now bc I love doing that in the summer but my dad has parental controls on all my stuff (including this laptop) so I cant go on disboard n stuff to find online friends to give me entertainment n stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!! but I FOUND A WAY YALL!! I'm just gonna be ROBLOX chronically online tho I am a robloxian already (since 2018) I want to be one of those ppl who are always on it yk (thats why I was scamming today n trynna unlag royale high) SOOO when I'm not studying I'm gonna be scamming and trading in royale high and adopt me!!! Maybe I'll try n make sum friends but rn I'm focused on the games I'm already planning on getting my dp from starpets n I have a decent halo + ltbs on rh n all my dream stuff besides 1 set n 2 accesories!! so like I'm prettyyy good but I wanna get REALLY good like those ppl who have 5 owls and 8 parrots lolz! And I literally love roblox and everyone who plays it (besides anyone with brainrot humor ironic or unironic idc) everyone else are so cool!!! So like yea and I have 30 dollars that I'm prob gonna use on robux I might try n get headless bc my mom pays me to do computer science courses and my dad pays me half of whatever my mom pays me!! Honestly I feel like journaling is sm fun rn i love talking but nobody ever listens screaming into the cyber void is so fun!!! Also I'm gonna likeeeee eat my chocolate after I shower rn probs and then my fast starts!!! ALSO omg halloween is coming up!! I'm def gonna be a vampire! If anyone enjoyed my journal tell me what your gonna be for halloween!! Omg if my journal/blog gets big I would call the ppl who read it bats!! that would be sosososo cooool ANYWAY FOLLOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dreambook06]

Dream from: July 20, 2017

last night’s dream (don’t read. it makes NO sense)

all week, for the last 5-6 days, every night, i have had amazing, unique, wonderful, crazy, indescribably bizarre yet sensical dreams , but i no longer remember any of them except the one last night, whichi will also soon forget unless i write it down but i’m lazy & demotivated because what’s the point, i already lost so many great dreams to the abyss, it’s so inconsistent, why perserve this one & not the other, even better, ones? but i’ll breiefly cover it anyway. also there’s no way to convey the way it actually looked and felt when immersed in dream mode w/ dream-mode logic & physics & reality & stuff …. but whatever also it’s soo vague already, i feel like i know it but once i try to type it up, i cant seem to explain… just like vague childhood memories… U.G.H.!

last night’s dream (don’t read. it makes NO sense)

all week, for the last 5-6 days, every night, i have had amazing, unique, wonderful, crazy, indescribably bizarre yet sensical dreams , but i no longer remember any of them except the one last night, whichi will also soon forget unless i write it down but i’m lazy & demotivated because what’s the point, i already lost so many great dreams to the abyss, it’s so inconsistent, why perserve this one & not the other, even better, ones? but i’ll breiefly cover it anyway. also there’s no way to convey the way it actually looked and felt when immersed in dream mode w/ dream-mode logic & physics & reality & stuff …. but whatever also it’s soo vague already, i feel like i know it but once i try to type it up, i cant seem to explain… just like vague childhood memories… U.G.H.!

ookk…etc.etc….tons of stuff happened before what im about to write, a whole huge story & plot & events that occurred… so many worlds & things…-  then it’s for some reason it’s nightwish apparently & “i’m” on a stage w/ little podiums 6+ people are standing on & were backup singers i guess? or something? for some rrason im holding a red liquid in a wine-glass-looking cup & smeone else has a bottle or something wth… & spilling it? or we’re taking an occasional sip both of us. the person is dressed in black like tarja’s performance clothes circa 1998… for some reason i remember looking at her black shoes & told myself to remember it or something about it? what. GOD thre’s so much more to this story u cent even comprehend!!! neighter can i lol i just know it was all there qhen i woke up now it’s like erased from my brain, all thst remains it the knowledge that somethin was once there, the pieces to the story that have disappeared. only fragments remain… GOD. it was like a whole freakng amazing movie! gone forever. dreams ae so unfair!! write them down right away, thats the lesson, no matter how tired you are. ike i guarantee if i’d written down all my dreams from this week, i’d still be able to remember what they were about instantly & itd be crystal clear, just like all my old dreams i learly remembeered enoguh to write down. i still rememeber and feel them in my mind. all it takes is direct reminders to spark them! without any, its lost forever. very frustrating. ~anyway, etc etc. i guess we were like perfornaming a nw song… for some reason this feels like it had recurring things from older dreams within this dream, idk,… scenes, charachters, thoughts,, ~~tons of etc..

later later later…… for whatever reason , tarja was unable to sing at their next performance gig thing.. sick or something. so they (tuomas &the band) held auditions …(anyway odd bc i guess it took place modern day yet tarja was still w/ the band… shh dream logic… - well then i actually reasoned w/ that during the dream & then apparently the year changed to 1998 or 1999. lol. and she did look like early tarja for the most part, although i think she in some scenes of the dream looked like ca. 2008 tarja winter storm shtuff lol) um so the band , tuomas, held auditions trying to find a tarja lookalike to be on stage for their performance… & they found this girl who was perfect, looked like a slightly off version of 1998 tarja, big cheeks, same bone structure, same hairstyle, height, etc. but slightly off… in some ways even better looking though lol. odd. unexplaianble… uinexaplantable.. hard to rmemeber how exactly se looked… just a slightyl off tarja i guess but idkk she looked really aamzing like i was jealous lol. yea i was in the crowd… OH YEA i rmemeber ok. so it conveniently ..they happened to be playing in some kind of audotorium thing kinda looked like the theatre at the college in town..iguess… so but for some reason i was already staying there or sleeping there for . some. reason. so i was just there when they came on ..or people in school happened to be there… when they were performaning, like it was a night of many concerts or shows or stuff & nw just happened t be in the lineup & people went there for the other shows. we had to be there for school but it wasnt like real life school or people except slightly real version of haley… but not…  so this tarja replacement wasnt actually singing (not good or too nervous or something i guess) they had the real audio playing & she lip synced … but then the near end of the song tuomas motioned for her handed herthe microphone & she was to sing the last 2 words of the song…& you could see the nervous anticipation of that time approaching in her, i felt her nervousness. it wasnt really a real song i think.. non exstent dream version… or a mix of their songs my mind made up… possibly an off-version of dead to the world & the last thing she had to say was “we’re…dead to the world”…………………………

but it ws a seemingly neverending long show & people (akak my “classmates”) didnt know what nw was they just happened to be there & mindlessly listened along or talked amonf themseles during the performance… they just accepted it… but i was actuslly there bc i loveeed nightwish!  ….tons more happened. ….. soemething to do w/ the replacement tarja…etc. ….tons of other scenes to indescribable… somehow we/i  (who’s ‘we’? tons of other people characters in the sdream story) became freidns w/ the real tarja & met her backstage and stuff & were like really good friends  (i guess i for some reason looked like young tarja too and at this time tarja looked more like her older self while i looke like the replacememt tarja they had on stage before) –like the story just shifted s o i was in tarja #2’s place & they ended up keeping me along because of the uncanny resempblance & it was so cool & i becmae part of their band/friend circle!! ahh so fun being a tajra lookalike lol…… etc.e.t.c..et.d..c.e.t.c.e.tc..e.tc..et.c..e…..c……… ~~ so oooo much more something to do w/ old town down buildings…. backyard… digging up dirt… buried stuff in the yard…… some kind of tarja related jacket or …wig? lol…. & inside it was 2 concert tickets to see nw band…. lol… buried in the backyard….. & “dad“ found it (not really rl dad) and got mad or idk he thought mom was part of it some big coverup like it was her tickets w/ some assumed guy she’s cheating on him w/ but i was like noo they’re my tickets!! i just hid them b ecause i dont like people knowing about my interests like nightwish!! (lol) baahahahaha sooo much more GODDDDD then i woke up. i want to implant a fraking dream. recorder. into my brain & reocrd what i see/sense/percieve while dreaming!!! GAH>HHHFDD…s o overallll…weird. i havent even thought about nw recently. i was obsessed w/ the old nw & young tarja turunen when i was 14. maybe it’s soemting to do w/ listening to dead to the world recently & seeing this video somehow. & my associations & mind warped it & made some whole dream amazign thing out of it & other minor aspects of thought & recent events. (and omg this made me start thinkign about how rare and amazing it was that nightwish was even born… like all the right circumstances… the people, tarja, got together & their talents created a masterpiece - their first 3-4 albums. it was this amazing dream come true… & of course… all good things come to an  end :’() - the digging part maybe due to the agt judge cuts 1 where the guy is buried… but for some reason, just, whenever i wake up from a dream, i immediately seem to feel to content & motivated & refreshed & inspired & have a pleasant outlook on life. it’s so nice, it ususally goes away quickly but it’s so nice while it lasts & while i briefly go over the events of the dream. no matter the subject of the dream or how unrelated to my real life it was, it always makes me feel good & happy &  makes me want to do something, idk what, but something? it just gives me this weird motivated rush .

[suchsaccharine]

more

today i am fighting off offers of lunch and dairy products.

i settled on some tea.

god people just never leave you alone when you say you are good on food lol.

 i explained that i had a milkshake last night and im lactose intolerant so im still digesting that. so they went to look for other kinds of milk, like ?? ma’am, i am good. thank you soooooooo much < 3 lmao so now i’ve got a cup of black cherry herbal tea. 

scheduled myself some time off during my birthday and the week after. the week after, i will stay in ohio. i am putting “Do Not Schedule” on random days in my shared calender to remind myself not to schedule myself for every day lmao.

-

i fucking failed as fuck to not binge last night. i had 3 fucking tacos and then a stawchz mikshake. ew. BUT to be fair, i had sort of been craving a milkshake for a few weeks and i hadnt gotten one bc it was never the right time. 

studying the nutrition part of my cert. it is a lot easier to wrap my mind around. weight loss and food intake and pharmacology has been a hyper fixation of mine since i was 16/17. so for over ten fucking years now! i cant believe my 28th birthday is next month!! you know what!!! i don’t give a fuck that i’m turning 28 anymore at all. im still in my twenties. i might as well make this the best two years in my twenties yet. i can’t believe what has taken place over the span of 10 years. shit, 10 years ago, i was getting ready to graduate in less than a week. i had no children. i had no clue what it was like being an addict. i had never smoked mef. at most, id taken roxys and methadone regualrly but not enough to make me a fiend. some pins and zans. i smoked weed everyday for years already at that point. anyway, i have two more years to add definition to my twenties. if i was sober by my 23rd birthday, 4 years sober, plus the last two. that means i’ll be more sober in my twenties than intoxicated. i need that rebound.

ope. my client just woke up. yeah im at work. im gonna have to go get him set up in his recliner if he’s wanting off the couch from his nap. 

today: collagen face mask, too many kpins, drank, walk, soak nails in acetone, remove nails, antibiotics x3/d, wart remover x2/d, manicure, grapefruit juice, smoke weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, do mad dabs.

[selfsabotagingbitch]

[photo not from me. I saw it on fb and the me who just woke up decided to save it and write an essay]

Me at 8am last Wednesday after coming across this post:

Love is so fucking complicated I’m starting to doubt if I know the difference between platonic and romantic at all. I love the people around me but there’s always been walls stopping me from letting them further in.

And then this one person is trying to get me to lower down these walls and even though I complain, and have so much doubts and fears in doing it, I find myself doing so. I want to push them away but it left a strange pain in my chest when they said it was insulting for me to think they’ll leave; like I never want them to feel sad, hurt, or insulted just because of my fears. And it felt calming whenever they reassure me that they’re here to stay. I’ve always had this self sabotaging streak where i push someone to the limits until they break and leave me and i’d be right but whenever i try to do that with this person it always ends in us talking shit out like wtf man??????

So I’ve been going back and forth on whether this type of love I have for that one person is romantic or platonic. I love them just like i love the rest but also I love them more than i do the rest HOWEVER I have no clue what this type of love is.

I’ve never actually felt what romantic love feels like, most people describe it like how this post did, butterflies, nervousness, kind of like anxiety yes. But the love i feel for them is peaceful. I’ve said this before but they’re what I consider home. They’re my rest. But then again they also trigger my fears but they don’t give me butterflies. Im confused. So if what this post explains is romantic love, does that mean i love everyone romantically???????? Or do I just love everyone platonically???? Again, this is so fucking confusing.

Another conclusion would be that I just love them more. IDK okay I’ve tried to explain the love i feel for them months prior and the best I could come up with was that I love them across all levels because I love them as a whole. I love them like family and a friend and I love them a whole lot more, beyond the love I normally give. I just love them as a whole, no classification needed at all. But this was before I found out I didn’t love my ex romantically. He was the basis for how I love romantically and it won’t do now because what I felt for him was limerence and a strong platonic love. BUT the fact still stands that I love this person more than I loved him and without limerence, obsession, or infatuation at all. SO NOW WHAT? I’m pretty sure I’m cool with them getting a partner but I don’t have any idea if that’s because I’m okay with it or because I don’t think I can push my commitment issues aside for me to make the first move. Also I already told them about the fact that I thought about courting them and the back and forth on whether I like them or not and if I know myself like i thought i do then that would mean that I don’t like them like that but also here I am being reminded of their existence in every post, in little things, in situations, always in the back of my head.

And how I made this fucking thing about them when it was initially intended to be about me differentiating platonic and romantic love is beyond me.

I don’t really feel kilig or gush over them and is head over heels but I also do feel calm, at peace, and rested whenever they’re around or messaging me. I once told them that I love spoiling the people I love and I was talking about it romantically but I found myself buying them stuff every chance I get (but now i cant really use that as a gauge bc my basis was my ex)

SEE THE DILEMMA????? Wtf do I feel for you bestie😭 I want it to be one or the other or at least just confirm whether romantic love is part of the love I feel for you because I can accept that I just love you as a whole but I HAVE TO BE SURE IF ROMANTIC LOVE IS PART OF THAT LOVE YK🥹🥹🥹 although for some reason I really don’t like this one girl they flirted with and idk if its because they’re not good for them or it’s because they got attached to this person and that freaks me out because there’s a high chance they would be in a relationship which then brings me back to the fact that I IM FINE WITH THEM BEING WITH ANOTHER PERSON BUT JUST NOT THAT BITCH AND its a cycle from there. Honestly, fuck this, man. If I ever come into terms with whatever this is then I’ll act on it but right now I’m so fucking confused. (Funny noh usually when i tell the person na about the times I got confused it means I’m over it na and the internal battle is settled but with them it never is. Wtf are u doing to me 😠😠😠)

Also i have used the words confused so much that its a weird word for me now. Bro😩

[delllamortes]

i just want to sleep for a few years