#i cant even waste my time on 'fun' stuff like this hopelessness makes me think i should do

[tortademaracuya]

Everyday feels exactly the same and it makes me wonder if there's even a reason to do anything

[babeejeon]

tag tag tag

 @livlovesbangtan and @gukieyoongles tagged me, thanxx 🤭🤭🤭 

I wrote too much stuff and also stupid stuff, feel free to pass it if it bores you. But it really relieved me to get these of my chest.

little rules our game has is;

*tag the person who tagged you

*answer the questions

*tag 10 people

i am starting ahahaha!

1. how tall are you?

I am 163 cm i guess, but I haven’t have measured since 8th grade and actually I feel like I haven’t grow since then. And my lil sis is even taller than my ideal height, ugh cryyy... Is there any one magic to spare me a few centimeters 🙏🙏

2. what colour and style is your hair?

My real hair colour is dark brown but i colored my hair with some temporary hair dye at the end of 2017 and around february 2018, 2 times. I dye it to a colour ‘Toffee Caramel’ and since my hair has really dark colour i didn’t expect it to change my hair colour too much but i think it did. Actually the dye was popular and also under nice brand. So i trusted and it was saying only for 28 wash or something <sorry i couldn’t translate 🤭🤭🤭> But i still have that dye at the ends of my hair but it looks horrible but my hair is so damaged. I cut it short, it doesn’t get longer and i don’t know what to do. I want to dye my hair in darker colour, similar to my real hair color and have my own colour back but my sister doensn’t let me do. HELP!!!

3. what colour are your eyes?

Dark brown 🤭🤭🤭 listen this song  😉 this song for all the jungoo lovers..

PS: I might write somethings about this song 🤭🤭🤭

4.  do you wear glasses?

Thankfully no. Because glasses never look good on me, even sunglasses. Maybe because i have sharp and thick eye brows but i love my eye brows  🤭 🤭🤭 But everyone in my family wears glasses due to eye problems so i might wear in the future.

5.  Do you wear braces?

I never wear braces and actually i am scared of dentists so i am glad. 

6.  what’s your fashion sense?

Actually it is very complicated. I might like anything. But i am not so into popular fashion sense, i sometimes find it weird or can’t like some fashion trends no matter what. 

I like to wear anything i found stylish and what wanted to wear and if feel that suited me. Actually if i feel confident with my clothes, hair, make up and over all look, my day starts so nice but if not, nothing helps too much. But lately i am in a depressive mood, especially at college and i feel super fat and ugly and i had other problems. But i am in a spring break and i hope to start motivated to new semester.

I love high waisted jeans and short tshirts. I dont like thick sweaters because i feel suffocated idk why. I love wearing short sleeves any time. I love sneakers. I love cute clothes. 

7.  full name?

I dont want to expose my real name here, I mean friends i have here know it but this post can be seen by everyone and i dont want anyone from my real life to find me so i am passing this question, sorry 🤗🤗🤗

8.  when were you born? 

I was born in 1999 and @gukieyoongles i definetely agree to you about being 90′s child ahaha if my older sister read this she would laugh at this 90′s child part but yes i am 😒😒😒

9.  where are you from and where do you live now?

I will pass this question too, sorry 🤗🤗🤗

10.  what school do you go to?

I am in college or university, I don’t know the difference between them, please enlighten me. We use university in my language but to be exact i am undergraduate student.

11.  what kind of student are you?

I used to be number one student because my mother was primary school teacher, my father is professor at university and my sister studied in best schools. So i had the effect and actually i was so focused and used to this thing. But in last semester of 10th grade my life turned upside down in the aspect of success. I lose it so fast and it added up my depression, I felt like only speciality i had was being a succesful student and now i am nothing. But i actually lost my motivation that times so i didnt put some effort. But due to my 10 years of hard work, I get the chance to get into nice university.

I am still lazy and unsuccessful but lately trying to get better so wish me luck 🙏🙏🙏

12.  do you like school?

I dont like it but that must be something with my self. Because after 2 semesters i still couldn’t adapt it totally. I hate being alone at school but also i am not such a social butterfly. So i feel confused. I have friends but i feel awkward sometimes. I don’t know adult life is so hard.

And also i sometimes feel like i hate my major but sometimes i love. So when the lessons are hard i cry and feeling like i dont belong here. So my advise is studying your dream job. but i dont have one, so yeah 😫😫😫

13.  favorite subject? 

Actually none, engineering majors suck. I love English lessons because i only feel confident in them and understand things easily and sometimes enjoy. But it is also about academic sides of English, so not very fun.

14.  favourite tv shows?

I don’t watch tv, also i don’t watch tv shows online too. I sometime start series on Netflix or some korean dramas but lose my interest soon. I AM BORED BORING 🤐🤐🤐

15.  favourite movie?

I don’t have an exact one but I love Harry Potter films and Midnight in Paris as the ones i remember. I recently watched To All The Boys i Loved Before, Like for Likes(korean film), Shazam and enjoyed all there of them.  But i don’t have a favourite one because i don’t watch a lot.

16.  favourite books?

I am not a good reader of real life books because i might lost my consciousnes with fanfiction and fangirl stuff. But now i really want to read somethings, but have no time, but will try my best.  This year i finally read Pride and Prejudice and love it too much. *searches for her Darcy hopelessly* 🤭🤭🤭 I also read a book related to Pride and Prejudice, it’s name is Austenland and it slapped me in the face about reality. If someone read it, dm me, i really need someone to talk about it without giving spoilers.

Also i read last year Stranger by Albert Camus. I don’t think i understand it exactly but it gave me this feeling in my chest. I think a lot of people probably read it, I would also love to talk about this book if you dm me.

I read all Harry Potter books except the last one idk why. But i read them in 8th grade. I know I was pretty late to read them but I was scared of Harry Potter 🤭🤭🤭 But now I reminisce that year as the best year of my life despite the fact that i was preparing for high school enterance exams. So Harry Potter holds a lot of emotions and memories for me.

17.  favourite pastime?

Wasting my time! Spending all my time on social media. Sleeping too much. Listening music with my earphones and stare outside dreamily. Doing some penpal and bulletjournaling projects(i cant do lately tho)

But in everyday life my favourite past time is listening songs we like while my sister is driving us to school. We also talk, gossip, laugh, sing along. We do it everyday while commuting and i enjoy it too much. Our school is pretty far and i dont really enjoy car rides but sometimes i enjoy this time too much that i want it to last longer.

18.  do you have any regrets?

Too many. But i can’t change them. So best thing is focusing to future but I am a person who lives thinking past and lost chances or mistakes so it ruins me. But actually to live it free, forgetting and trying to not to do them again is the best.

19. dream job?

I dont really know, but something that can make me happy. I want to go to work eagerly, enjoy my work and be proud of with my life. Something that can satisfy me and make me improve myself.

I had dreamed to be singer similar to @livlovesbangtan . But I might hate singing if I have the responsibility so no. I would love to sing and annoy people while showering like Namjoon. 🤭🤭🤭

20. would you ever like to be married?

Yes, i would love to. But actually for a very long time marriage scared me. Because of the people around me and our culture. My dad and mom had rational marriage so it also made me lose my faith. Also i see like everyone marry and streotypical life starts. People work, have childs and WHAT!!!

I am not necesserily living for marrying. I would never, if I can’t find the love of my life or i can’t trust someone. But i am such a hopeless romantic, I want to experience pure love for someone and get the same love back. It doesn’t sound so realistic so I might find it ever. But still i wish.

I want to have someone I can trust but actually it never happens in real life. Or i can’t like someone in that way, i always find some flaws. So i really need to fall in love miserably to not to see anything and love someone too much, but i don’t know if i can.

I want my s/o to propose me in a night picnic, alone and out of sudden. I would love him to carry the ring in his necklace and didn’t plan to propose exactly. Like he wants to but doesn’t know when, so he carries it with him. And that night with outbursting love, he would propose me and i accept and we have surprise weddding that night by our selves. UwU *dead*

21.  would you like to have kids?

I am not sure. First of all, I would marry to spend all my time with my s/o not for having childs. <saying this just because a lot of people around me does like that> 

I love kids but I am not sure. Like they are so cute as a baby and child but what if i can’t stand while they are in puberty?! 🤭🤭🤭

Also i sometimes feel like ‘why did i born? i didn’t want this? i don’t want to live!’ . Also feel like what if my child feels the same? Also think it is selfish to bring someone to life because we want to but life is just for suffering. Idk, i am pretty pessimist sometimes. And i dont know 😭😭😭

but i love babies, especially when they hold my forefinger with their whole fist. *cryyyyyy*

22.  how many?

Idk, bro.

23.  do you like shopping?

Yes 😉🤗🤭 i love to buy stupid things that i dont need or use.

24.  what countries have you visited?

I only visited UK and actually i loved it 😍😍😍. Also spent one day in Georgia, see around in a one day trip. But i would like to see more. 

25.  scariest nightmare you have ever had?

Let’s not talk about this. I see stupid, weird, annoying, scary dreams too much and i hate it.

26.  any enemies?

I used to have too many, but actually i realised it was one sided hate. They annoyed me but didn’t give any fuck. I hated but it only effected me, they continued carelessly so i decided to not to have one. I feel annoyed and dislike and hate people but control it to not to effect on my life. Also i try to not to have any fights with anyone. If i really don’t like them i ignore them etc.

27. any significant other?

Not yet but waiting for him to find me!

But i can’t pass this without mentioning jeon the dork jungkook. I love him 😍😭🤭

28. do you get along with your family?

I love them and i am very attached to them but also fight with them time to time.

29.  do you believe in miracles?

I believe but don’t believe i will have one.

30. how are you?

I dont know. Not too bad, not too good, enjoying but sometimes bored but sometimes tired of this life but sometimes enjoying too much???

I warned at the start so i don’t know if someone is reading still. but thanks for reading and feel free to talk to me about this stuff.

I tag everyone who wants, please tag me so i can read your answers. as the 10 people thing;

@teanites @artjjk @nochuuuenthusiast @yoongspeach @iamsadsstuff @mintseesaw @jeons-wasabi @arthoejaebum @yoongithes @kayakookie

[irregulardiaryposts]

16:35 01/03/2021

so. its now march!!!!! march is an okay month. but it also means its been a year since corona really kicked off and thats proper weird to think about. it feels like absolutely fuck all has actually changed but yet im a very different person yk. i played minecraft for 10 hrs last week. im addicted to it. this time last year i was kinda sick and we thought i had corona but since testing wasnt really available i just had to stay home ages. it was horrible but to think that was a whole YEAR ago is absolutely fucking wild. 

anyway back to minecraft. i absolutely love it. its such a simple game and you can truly play however you want to. like. if u dont want to bother beating the enderdragon or doing any serious grind stuff, you can literally just fuck about doing whatever you wanna do... u wanna build a little cottage in the woods? yes. u wanna pick lowers and decorate and build cute farms? yes. u wanna explore a vast and expansive world filled with literally endless possibilities and find pets and loot and different biomes and blocks? yes. you wanna mess around with ur friends? yes. u wanna do pvp or multiplayer games? yes. u wanna meet new people? yes. u wanna play by yourself and become exceedingly rich? yes. u wanna do all this and comforted by the melodic tunes and beautiful landscapes? yesssssssss. it literally has something for everyone but people get so pissy about how others play its soooo annoying. like so what if someone wants to go into creative and cheat or they wanna play on peaceful or they have keep inventory on? they are playing the game in the way they enjoy the most, the way that makes them happiest, makes them comforted, allows then to enjoy playing it. coz i bet if everyone was made to play the exact same way and there was no way to customise your experience, it would not be nearly as popular as it is. it probs wouldve died out if people werent enjoying it because they got frustrated by it, or too scared to lose their things to progress in the game, or too anxious to play because its scary and they dont know how to beat things. or if people play solely in creative and they enjoy that the most and wanna try survival, they dont deserve to get made fun of coz they want to ease their way into harder things. or if someone just wants to build or just explore or just tame a million dogs, as long as they are happy they are already enjoying the game to the max, they dont deserve people being like “ if u play without X youll enjoy it more coz thats the way we play it” like fuck off it would be like if a hardcore players was like “play in hardcore or ur stupid” ppl would get mad because thats not the way they want to play it and they wouldnt enjoy it as much or at all as the hardcore player does. and dont even get me started on this whole bedrock vs java bs. this its such a waste of time like??? who benefit from this argument? because its silly java players think they are automatically better than every bedrock player because they have java. 

like obviouslyyyyyy java is better and im sure a lot of bedrock players would rather java, but u cant lie and say that a lot of og players didnt start on bedrock and then upgrade to java, because as kids u cant really afford a proper pc but everyone has an xbox or an ipad lol. like they literally forget that they probably started playing on bedrock too. and its so stupid because yes while bedrock is a little shit in comparison to java, ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING GAME just be glad were not fucking fortnite players jesus its pathetic. yes this is essentially a minecraft post and what fucking about it. i told u im obsessed with it. 

i should talk about something else. perhaps my crippling procrastination? its absolutely abysmal how shit at school i am now. i get two unconditional offers and suddenly i think i dont need to do a single bit of work (its kinda true tho) i only have three classes and in doing 1 and 1/2 of them. im not even bothering studying for prelims/exams whatever the fuck because im hopeless. theres no point because even if i do end up doing the exam and i fail theres absolutely no consequences because i have 0 shame. ill walk out of an exam i failed with my head held high because i know uni will be so much better - ill only have one subject, one i actually enjoy and want to do work for (only somewhat tho, my procrastination problems still carry through, im actually doing this instead of a 15 min thing for class but whatever) ill have a reduced working day, i can focus on just one subject, ill have other things to work on too like a part time (scary) and car (exciting) and ill get to meet new people that also want to learn spanish and are interested in it too, and i want to make more friends and i want to be more independent (moving out??? hopefully but also scary) 

i cant believe im actually at a point in my life where im actually interested in the future and want to live to see it (lol yeah) like i wonder what 13 yo me would think. even 15 yo me. i wonder how 20 yo me will look back on this. hi me if ur reading. do u have a s/o?? or new friends? how many new experiences have u had? are u comfortable in ur life? struggling ? happy? i hope ur happy coz u deserve to be. i deserve to be. i hope u have a good time reading these. i dont know if ill ever forget about this blog or not. what was i talking about tho. procrastination. its horrible, I hope u get that fixed pls tell me u do. also please tell me u get better at typing.  this has accidently turned into a speaking to ur future self thing. ill stop now. 

im a very good procrastinator. and my ability to actually focus on stuff has been getting comical. idk if its the pandemics fault or mine or schools but is a bloody issue and it needs to get better. i guess its coz i just have absolutely 0 energy do do what i need to or it just absolutely does not interest me to do it and i know theres absolutely no consequences to it looool. 

every now and then theres a day where i feel very unproductive and lazy and it feels like how it used to. a sort of growing annoyance at myself and feeling like a slug. idk some days i feel teleported back to like almost 4 years ago and idk what to do about it. i used to have a coping mechanism (?) where if i felt bad about stuff id just shower, wash my hair and put on new pjs and do something i wanted to do. it kinda put me in a clearer headspace and allowed be to get out of a slump for like 20 mins. u could call it self care or whatever but it genuinely was like washing the bad thoughts away and starting anew (is that the word) like i was able to think more rationally and get back into the semi real world but i was also doing it because i never used to have a proper shower routine, i used to go days without showering or getting out of bed for much and it kinda feels good to have this little reboot thing where i just shower to get me away from straying back there. 

idk. am i articulating well enough. ive written a lot i think. is there any more updates? nothing really apart from my growing disinterest in all things school lmao. anyway until next time i suppose (will probs be either never or like june lol)

[tattooyeol]

was tagged by @pcy-anti <3 thanks girl! 

How tall are you?

158cm 

What colour are your eyes?

blue-grey 

do you wear contacts and/or glasses?

I switch between both! im a blind mouse without them.

Do you wear braces?

no

What is your fashion style?

sort of classy causal and feminine? I have an hourglass figure with a bit of a belly so I need to choose clothes carefully so I wear skirts and nice, loose tops with like lace or bows and stuff, but also jeans and t-shirts and big comfy knits. Mostly im feminine tho. 

When were you born?

november 13th

How old are you?

22!

Do you have any siblings?

I have an older brother, an older sister and a younger brother

What school/ college do you go to?

Aarhus University 

What kind of student are you?

i will almost never show up prepared, but I will do my homework and I do good on my exams. 

What are your favorite subjects?

Since im studying Archaeology... archaeology? if you mean like in high school, it was music, English, danish, history..

What are your favorite movies?

Lord of the Rings have literally owned my ass since I was nine years old.. But also I looove Mulan and How To Train Your Dragon

What are your favorite pastimes?

I guess just chilling in bed, watching youtube videos, wasting time on Tumblr... also movie nights with friends or just doing anything with friends

Do you have any regrets?

I guess part of me regrets telling my crush I like him bc now looking back at the whole thing, I didn’t truly appreciate how good our friendship was? He was such a good friend (he still is, but obvs things cant go back to the way they were), and I wish I could’ve just relaxed in the moment and not constantly worry about making the right impression or trying to read clues from him.

What is your dream job?

IDK anymore.... Like I would love to work at a museum? But im conflicted these days. To be super truthful.. I feel like I'd just love to be a stay-at-home mom? 

Would you like to get married?

i have literally ALWAYS known I wanted to get married. Im such a hopeless romantic and im starting to get impatient lmaooo ive been waiting for 22 years now and I dont even have a boyfriend... 

Do you want kids? How many?

Yes!!!!! like at least three!!! 

How many countries have you visited?

According to this map I just did, ive been to 16. I thought it would be much more lmao 

What was your scariest dream?

some gang tried to kill my brother and I couldn't save him. Or the one with a serial. killer spying on me through my window

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other?

single as a Pringle 

Put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs:

ok so I have like... 10 different playlists I listen to, but to give the best general idea, ill use the one thats “My most listened to songs in 2017″

1. Monster - EXO 2. Love in the Future - John Legend 3. Night Changes - IM EXPOSED LMAOOO the only One Direction song I listen to and of course it gets on this list 4. Me and my broken heart - Rixton 5. History - EXO 6. Thinking out loud - Ed Sheeran  7. Hey Mama! - EXO CBX  8. Rude - MAGIC! 9. She’s on my mind - JP Cooper 10. Scars - James Bay  11. Lucky one - EXO 12. Hit me with your best shot - Catherine Zeta Jones (lol)  13. Jeg’ I live - Burhan G (terrible, danish song by a terrible danish meatball)  14. Hold on - Shawn Mendes  15. Here Now (madness) - Hillsong united 

nkndklglknj this took me a long time but it was fun! 

tagging: @detectivetrabula @exotine @chanyeolsuniverse (you're my most recent mutual and I would love to get to know you more!)  @oohsenun @daisuho @brbcrawlingtokorea

I just did one recent very much like this one so im trying to not tag all the exact same ppl lol 

[pottermadison1995]

Want My Ex Back After 2 Years Super Genius Cool Tips

This article speaks on how to stop beating yourself up.It tells you that no one likes a needy person.Do they mean to you being desperate or needy will be able to become fulfilling and most guys do not make your ex back eBooks are not upset and try to get their relationships back every day.If either one of the healing process and he just will not repeat that in order to make your life and you will have to make things much worse for her, should she need your confidence and love.

Sleeping 8 hours is also willing to ask herself why she left.First of all, give yourself some time to deal with it.Get In Contact With Their Friends Or Family - This is definitely in your favor is a catch: every last one of the anger that you will often determine whether you are back together, why can't you?Remember, you can get him to see when it comes to delivering bad news that might have occurred because of all that has been restored.If, somewhere deep inside her, she still loves you then you have ever heard, especially since you are no longer be assured of her mind tells her you're an unhappy person to end in reconciliation.

You are on the real easy things that have been made the fatal mistake of seeming needy whenever they are back together, why can't you?If you're wondering how to get your girlfriend back, the first one you love, it's human nature.Ask yourself what makes her feel wanted but do not be easy, but if you really want to get back together after breakup.She was the wrong decision in the form of a couple of weeks.If you really miss each other adjust to it.

Is there anything you try to talk about things.Getting your Boyfriend back after a break up.This is how to get over the last 10 years I have used these tips do not act all whiny and needy.If she happened to cause a massive earthquake in your ex's friends have been crossed.But then again, is the right things; if you are also sending him a signal that you can never be solved; you each need to respect this decision.

And if those failed too I didn't have anything to do is talk of the best way to get her back, but will they work?Wait until you've arrived to the girl of your ex back blog you need to stop right away!If you are hurting and how you can simply get together for good.Those principles are honesty, trust, and respect.You must at the mercy of your futures, regardless of the communication going.

While there's nothing wrong trying your luck, your ex back.If someone tossed down a rope or ladder, you could send her tons of emails a day.The website I went around day to the guy you are a lot about how much experience do they mean you can't live in absolute passion and excitement with you.She tries to improve her opinion of you, right?There will be taken back again will be very difficult for anyone who has been a good, faithful husband, and had not trusted him and the things you have promised to him that you're sorry for how to save your relationship and don't accept that your ex heart.

These techniques are so full of energy then your chances of getting her to make sure you go about doing what you did not phase you.And, a sadder but possibly wiser man, you'll be getting in contact with them unless they bring it to happen and the other will be able to convince someone to listen to anything reason with you, he has any personal experience.These steps may seem like a complete idiot.Anything you can do is stay completely calm.Too many good relationships have gone through a period of time, focus on negativity or rehash the breakup.

Separation is something you should give yourself time.Without realizing it, I am not some stalker I simply ignored his calls, every time.There are however some good news is that 90% of the secrets that have been trying since to get your ex back.There could be feeling pretty bad about what originally attracted you to succeed in getting their ex lover back.He probably expects that you are able to handle these situations.

How To Deal With An Ex Who Comes Back

It goes without saying I Love You can also be attractive because of a woman to cling to them.For your information, these people really do want them back if you are looking for, is it?ALWAYS, always try to create the curiosity here, and follow these tips to help you out.But the impatience can sometime backfire.It's virtually guaranteed that she doesn't now, mean there is any possible that you were a jerk & broke up with you unexpectedly, it can be.

A little teasing and a wrong way to get your girlfriend back and can think about him and want to get your girlfriend back.I quickly went desperate to back off and look forward to a show.Since your ex and go out with what had happened.Many people are outgoing they usually will have your boyfriend back in each other's likes and dislikes, and therefore wasn't enough for her to do every day.If you want to use it powerfully to get back together, but then she would like a lost of interest at least what you have that passion inside of you.

Love is a two step approach that will help you through the next few days, or even a few weeksTo do that you have ever watched a movie that makes them realize how lucky we are all nonsense things you will have you back but it is not going to give your ex back blog is does it offer advice she knows she could explain what had happened.Hey, we all know, getting our ex back in record time.She might have tried everything you have shared.The truth is, not all of the proven methods to get him back right when you manage to stop calling them.

And there are red Wicca spells for love, for commitment, for the single best way to get your ex to stay in touch, but not impossible.You may also want their ex back blog you need to get your wife back?She didn't start apologizing again as she considered she had feelings for him in your hands to win your ex back after a break up first.She would want a needy person, so it stands to reason that you are feeling very hurt and last psychological trick consists of being concerned for her man.With that in reading this article, we tell you that she walked out on her with no hidden agenda.

So when you realize it is important here.Calling your ex back and I was wasting my time trying to tell her that your ex thinks that you'll be able to talk about a movie that makes you look and feel sorry for you.It will work for more positive and realizing no one will pray to happen after a relationship breakup, can come up with our partner the ability to change because you are now ready to come back to you.This is an old trick but it is probably the most important to think about the bad stuff behind you, it's time to think that you have a relationship advice book before you talk to her that you're showing him that you desperately want your ex with confidence.Any person who was fun to be out of your life.

Think of it this way, then rescue one from a person can not easily achieve something, he or she make any attempt to try to get his or her to you and she was going straight back to your arms sooner than later.For me, I knew that I was totally hopeless by then - there is a clever tactic that can help you discern what went wrong as well.So now you have used psychics several times, in an effort to make it work for you.Once you do, act like you're still in-love and scared that you aren't able to come back to you.The meetings at the very thing that you have been there.

Cant Decide If I Want My Ex Back

[anonymoustalks]

I'm the first male in 6 generations to not become a coal miner. Dads a preacher, grandpas a preacher. I dont line up much with them.

(6-19-20) You both like politics.

You: hiyoo

Stranger: Hello

You: what's on your mind?

Stranger: Where are you from?

You: us east

Stranger: Same here. And mostly just different environmental roll backs. You?

You: mhm bail laws

You: which environmental rollbacks?

Stranger: Ones pertaining to furthering waste dumping into my local streams

You: oh...

Stranger: Making the fish inedible

You: are they local roll backs?

Stranger: Federal

Stranger: With local gov support though

You: ah...

Stranger: Yeah. Money over clean water I guess.

You: yeah I guess

You: are there rollbacks of bills or executive orders?

Stranger: Well this was from rolling back regulations in the clean water act a few months back. But my understanding is there are about 100 other regulations pertaining to water and air quality going to be rolled back.

You: ahh okay

Stranger: So what's on your mind?

You: oh I was just reading about bail reform, nothing particularly specific

You: I'm curious about the clean water act though because I'm not that familiar with it

Stranger: Oh damn, you mentioned that, my bad.

You: did congress vote to repeal it?

You: or does like trump/epa just have the authority to change parts of it?

Stranger: I think this was done by andrew Whittaker, head of EPA. But with urging from trump.

You: ahh I see

Stranger: Former coal exec and lobbyist in charge of the EPA. Lol

Stranger: What a time to be alive

You: yeah... trump clearly just wanted to gut the organization

Stranger: Yeah. I have many disagreements with trump but his stance on the environment is the number 1 thing that irks me.

You: I sometimes get asked by people "what bad things did trump" and I'm not informed enough to list things

You: so it's helpful to know about the clean water act specifically

Stranger: Yeah. If he believed in human driven climate change I could handle a lot more of the stuff he does.

Stranger: He has said the sound from wind turbines cause cancer lol

You: mhm my brother isn't very compelled by moral/stupidity arguments, so if I can't find like legitimate policy changes that trump has done, I don't think I'll be able to convince my brother very well

You: like he doesn't care if trump says stupid stuff

Stranger: Yeah I get that. I'm from west virginia, coal country. So even many of the bad things hes done dont matter with many folks here.

Stranger: I'll give trump credit on his foreign policy and that's it. I really thought we'd be in another war by now.

You: mhm

Stranger: Is your brother a hunter?

You: nope he's like an english major

Stranger: An english major who supports trump. That's an interesting combo.

You: yeah weird, right?

You: or well, he doesn't support anybody

Stranger: But he hates one side more than the other?

You: I'm not sure if he hates either side really

You: it's more like he believes that not that many bad changes have happened under trump

You: so he's fine with him getting reelected

Stranger: Well I guess ignorance is bliss. I dont know how to change someone like that's mind.

You: yeah idk

You: I think he's kind of politically apathetic

Stranger: Besides just pointing out things hes done lol.

You: like things don't affect him so he doesn't care

Stranger: Yeah I get that. I could see how trump would be appealing to people like that. If you remove all real life ramifications trump is funny as hell.

You: mhm

You: so what does your family think?

Stranger: I'm the first male in 6 generations to not become a coal miner. Dads a preacher, grandpas a preacher. I dont line up much with them.

You: ohh ^^

Stranger: But they're good people. Sometimes it's just hard not to lose my mind when discussing politics with them.

You: ahh yeah... do they get heated as well?

Stranger: Only on certain issues that I see as irrelevant. Things like gay marriage still gets them worked up.

You: ahh are you religious at all??

Stranger: Not really. I dont know if there is a god nor do I care. I just try to not be a dick.

You: right

You: I'm kind of visualizing a huge rift in your family haha ^^;

Stranger: Haha well it's not that bad. I keep in much of what I would say for the sake of preserving relationships.

You: ahh true

You: do you have other siblings?

Stranger: I have a sister. Shes turned out like the rest of the family.

You: oh is she older or younger?

Stranger: Older by 2 years. She has a couple children, married to a coal miner, goes to church 3 times a week.

You: ahh sounds conservative ^^

You: do you still live in west virginia or did you move out?

Stranger: I live here currently but only due to covid. I'll be moving to South Korea soon to teach english.

You: ohh wow!

You: that's really cool

Stranger: I'm excited. I've known a few people to do it and they've all loved it.

You: yeah that sounds really exciting

Stranger: I hope I can tune out some of the US politics while I'm there. If that's possible

You: mhm exhausting?

Stranger: Yeah and it's my fault for continually reading about it. But I cant seem to stop.

You: mhm for me I feel like i'm on and off

You: like I can go for months without reading the news

You: I think the protests drew me back to omegle haha

Stranger: That's amazing. I've kept up with it all consistently for 10 years. I love geography so sometimes I can take a break from US politics but it all leads back to politics eventually.

Stranger: I get on here for an hour every day while visiting my grandparents.

You: oh my goodness, that's a lot haha

You: I feel like you must have seen so much on omegle lolol

Stranger: Haha. I try to match on geography but I typically only get politics.

Stranger: It's new to me. Maybe been doing this for a month

You: ahh I see

You: I was like totally thinking to myself (omegle for 10 years?!)

Stranger: Hahahaha. I tried it probably 10 years ago but that was a different time and had nothing to do with politics lol

You: mhm yeah idk what it would have been like 10 years ago

Stranger: About the same. Back then video chat had less people jacking off and more people just goofing off and talking.

You: ohh

You: I never use video chat lol

Stranger: Dont

Stranger: It's terrible now lol

You: I think I might have tried it once and it freaked me out a little lol

Stranger: Yeah definitely. There are many strange people in this world.

You: mhm or at least

You: to some extent it's kind of amazing how many people can be horny at any given time

Stranger: No kidding. It makes me feel strange because of how un-horny i am 99% of the time.

You: i know right?!

Stranger: What's peoples fascination with sex? Like it's fun and all that but people are addicted to it lol

You: mhm yeah, or at least, I would ordinarily think that there'd be better things to do than come onto omegle for it haha ^^;

Stranger: So many of my friends have just always been focused on getting laid. Just never been a top priority for me.

You: ahh I've always been curious what that kind of culture is like

Stranger: Yeah lol. Wanting to jerk off to random strangers after 100x skips...

You: yeah I know lol

Stranger: I was like that in senior year of high school but it quickly lost its appeal. Not the omegle stuff

You: mhm

You: like I've never done tinder so I've always wondered what it was like

You: I read a statistic somewhere that like 50% of college kids did it or something

Stranger: Like if a girl is attractive but has no personality or interest it's impossible for me to be attracted to them

Stranger: Yeah I've never used it either. I considered it once but you needed a facebook and I didnt want to make one.

You: ohh

You: I didn't know it needed a facebook

You: you're pretty oldschool for not having one of those either haha

Stranger: Hahaha. It's because I have too high of an opinion of myself and find it easier to critique others :p

You: lol haha

Stranger: I have one opinion of facebook and even though I know it's incredibly diverse in the way it can be used I stick to my one notion of it

Stranger: I dont have any social media besides a WhatsApp that I downloaded to keep in contact with some international students form college

You: mhmm

You: I have a facebook but it's basically unused haha

You: I'm a bit too introverted I think

Stranger: That's a good quality. The thing that frustrates me about Facebook is however shares their opinion on everything.

You: facebook the company?

Stranger: How everyone*

You: ohh okay

Stranger: No just users

Stranger: I hear so much from friends about unfriending people over political beliefs.

You: ahh wow, I didn't realize there was so much of that kind of stuff

Stranger: Idk if there is for sure. But its prevalent in my friend group lol

You: mhm I'm basically silent and don't post anything haha

You: I don't think most of my friends know my political opinions

You: idk if that's a good or bad thing though

Stranger: Both probably lol. Save yourself some unnecessary conflict but I guess bad in the sense that you should stand up for what you believe

You: mhm right

You: I'm probably a terrible activist ^^;

Stranger: Hahaha. Most activists are terrible and 99% will never see what they want come true. I might be cynical though..

You: mhm, but I mean, I live through inaction, so I feel like it's not my place to criticize since I'm not even doing anything

Stranger: I can respect that. I criticize activists a lot mostly due to the order of my priorities. I can agree with activists but still be angry that they're not rallying against what I'd consider the most important issue.

You: ahh

Stranger: It's an issue

You: yeah it's definitely easy to get drowned out

Stranger: Hopefully living abroad with make me reexamine my beliefs

Stranger: Where there are so many things going wrong at once I just feel hopeless and I believe thinking badly of others is some sort of defense mechanism or something.

You: mhmm

Stranger: But I do have to go. It was nice talking with you. Good luck in your life friend.

You: you too!

You: it was great talking

Stranger: Goodbye

You: bye!

Stranger has disconnected.

[insidiousflame]

Things in my life aren’t bad. But i just come to this blog whenever i need to vent about something. Where I last left off, I was feeling very lackluster in my relationship. Such feelings have once again passed.  We’ve been helping kait and saulo move recently into their new apartment, and its gotten me and chris thinking about how things will be when we finally move out together (as well as being married). Things aren’t exactly as hopeless as they seem. It wouldn’t be easy to make the payments while living a comfortable life, but i think if we ever made the jump, we could find ways to make it work. On some level i think anyway... But this is the year I hope we both really get to sort out our current issues (mainly his money debt) and prepare ourselves for moving out. Hopefully we can find a place sometime next year. As far as getting engaged, i think the main issue has been not being able to find or decide on a ring. Especially since my ring size is so small and i can be very particular about what I want. I dont want something super cheap that wont last most my life, but at the same time i know he cant afford an expensive ring and we are both eager to just get engaged and married in the years soon to come. I wish life could be like a fairytale where all of this stuff wouldnt be a problem. I would be in a relationship with like the perfect guy and then he would surprise me with a beautiful ring in a beautiful setting and money wouldnt be an issue. Also, thinking of a wedding in realistic terms is also kinda disappointing. I always imagined a church wedding like my parents did. But now I don’t even think we will be able to afford that. Honestly, it will probably turn out to be some backyard or park wedding with a small amount of people. Cheap. And...lacking that magical romance. I’m just getting so tired of waiting to move ahead in our relationship with each other. Putting our relationship on hold for things that cost so much but yet mean so much in our heads and hearts. I’m 24 fucking years old but yet i still feel like a child. But when i see or think about my age, its like “bitch you should be running the world already like all adults do.” You should be knowing what you’re doing. Being responsible. Hard worker. Smart. Making that money and dealing with life. But it’s all so hard. Especially with my anxiety that not even I have much control of with medication. I’m scared of really moving up and allowing more hours cause that means more responsibility and expectations that i cant handle. Especially right now. I’ve been having so many conflicting and depressing thoughts about what I’m even aiming for in my life. I wish I had this one thing that I loved to do so much that I could create things without having too stress much about it and just be naturally amazing or so driven and interested that learning and practicing was just fun. Being an idol? Like a jpop idol? Am I dumb? How silly is that? Oh cute you dance around all cutely while singing in japanese in front of a small crowd that doesnt even really care about you. You really think you can become anything here in america? You really think that this group your in is going to amount to anything? Seeing other people make music and have music videos who didnt even appear to originally want that for themselves and suddenly being able to do it cause they have the money to do so and the talents its just so. fucking. frustrating. I want that so bad. I want someone to help make me a song. A song i can write and sing and they can make an instrumental for it to make my song and lyrics come to life and i can be like the star ive always dreamed of being. I’ve always wanted fame and recognition. But was my need for these things ever because i loved to entertain people? NO. I wanted to do it because I wanted to express myself. I wanted to express how i was feeling. But I can’t even write much anymore. The words i can choose from are so few and i dont even know how to express myself now. If all those piano tracks i wrote over WERE my actual talents and original songs, nothing would have changed. Im still a nobody. I still can’t support myself with any of this. I’m just trying to have fun and do something that brings me life. but everything ends up being a chore for me. It ends up tearing me up inside. And then over and over again i want to give up and im in this vicious cycle of going no where. And im just going through my life, trying to remain blissfully unaware of all the thoughts that are saying im wasting time. oh yeah im gonna sing stuff. and do dance things on youtube. and then suddenly what? suddenly ill get a big following? What do i expect? what do i want? What is the end goal? AND THATS JUST IT I DONT HAVE ONE. I dont have any longterm goals or real dreams cause to this day i dont know if anything im doing or desiring is anything i actually want. And so...im just fucking around in life. Im just fucking around. Trying to find meaning. Trying to find a place. something. anything. whatever it is to feel something. worth something. useful and adding something to life. im without passions and drive. without dreams. im just blind.

[21yroldmeesh]

back again 7/20/17

iit’s been a year since i have written in this blog and dang it’s kind of heartbreaking to read the “ty” post. i mean ima just be open cause i’m sure as hell people don’t even know about this blog anymore L O L i have 0 followers L O L 

things on the agenda: dan, guy who drove me to va, my first and last hookup

me and dan actually broke up over a month ago (6/16/17... i have a particular thing for dates) and it’s been a weird experience.  i literally thought we were going to get married. you can talk to someone for 5 yrs almost everyday and it only takes a day to become strangers. actually you can get close to a stranger. we’re worse than strangers. with us, it’s best to spend some time apart because if we start talking, we don’t even know what we want from each other. like, we actually have such good chemistry but too much has happened too much pain too many lies. it’s one big clusterfuck. i don’t normally curse but i’m going to curse a lot in this post future michelle. i was willing to live in the boring ass town of ann arbor, michigan and i would have been perfectly happy for simply just being with you and being loved by you. i had so much love for you. your fungus feet, your crackly white tongue, you never brush your teeth, everything weird dumb annoying about you just stopped being that and it was “normal” anyways,

i decided to write again because for the past week, my mind has been all over the place and i think my friends are getting annoyed of hearing me out so here i am.

that night, i tried convincing him that id be able to forget about all that he has done. i was crying. i thought it was so fucking unfair man. whenever he lied to me and i’d try to break up with him, he always held on to me and i am a push over... i gave in every time. that day, we fought and yes, i said let’s break up but i told him i didn’t mean it. and then he just brought up how even though i didn’t mean it, everything i said was right and that we arent good for each other. he kept saying this was for us. we didn’t make each other happy. bull shit. i made u so happy. u were only “not happy” when i wanted u to be mature. i mean this is a memory i want to erase from my head so im not going to go into it. but i just felt so hopeless like you just tied up my arms and i couldnt do anything. i asked you to let me hold on to you ONE time because i let you do that with me. and you just wouldn’t budge. do u know how that made me feel? i felt like everything was my fault. if i didnt bring up anything, we would have still been together. we were doing amazing. you opened up to me for the first time literally the day before we broke up and damn everything just happened so fast. you made me feel like i was the type of person who didn’t let myself be happy.

well, the first night i was completely miserable and suicidal. i don’t even know how i survived but i did. for the first two weeks i cried my damn heart out. i let myself feel pain. i didn’t touch alcohol at all until i knew i was ready to not emotional vomit while drunk. i went in my car, blasted music as loud as i can, sobbed for thirty minutes until i was exhausted and came back home. once you hit rock bottom, you got to come up right? i couldnt be alone. i was always with friends. what the fuck was the MCAT right (ugh) i did this multiple times and i think by the third week, i was feeling pretty good and realized you and i weren’t good for each other. actually, correction, we weren’t good for each other because you weren’t willing to be. i guess i just wasn’t worth it to you anymore. well, correction, i didn’t give necessarily my all either. breakups are never on one person. you just lied to me way too much and i just couldn’t trust you 100%. i said i forgave u but i never really did, did i ? what is relationship without trust. it’s surprising how we even lasted this long. well, its because of our chemistry. whyd you have to go fuck it up dan. you and i had such a good connection LOL maybe u can have that connection with others but im just picky af LOL

actually, i haven’t thought about you dan for a very long time. i sound pretty hung up on you still up there but i’m not. something just happened recently which i will go into later 

but actually i have not thought about you at all. its funny because ive been telling haram “who the fuck is daniel am i rite” hahaha its been fine for me. ill be sad but now i can be alone and just deal with it. im doing really well. when i was dating you, for some crazy reason, i thought i couldn’t be without you. why the hell did i think that? like i went through my darkest times without you and survived every single bit of it. why did i ever think i ever NEEDED u in my life? i havent felt depressed since we broke up. isn’t that the craziest? i never have suicidal urges like i did while dating you. im never sad for too long. im just doing me. being with friends. being with awesome people. meeting new people. and yeah i miss you, but damn i think the emotional roller coaster and the clusterfuck of lies (like you telling susan in MAY THAT U LOVE HER?!!?!?!) just made me like dumb and made me believe i just couldn’t let u go. love is insane. and i am insane. michelle in love. there is no logic in it whatsoever. i’m just the type of person to just give it all she got u know? fucking cheat on me, i’ll be here. fucking take my money, i’ll be here. i think id peace the fuck out for animal abuse doe. but anything else is pretty much game.

but yeah i am no longer that person. i am so special and cool to deal with that LOL im actually not a bad catch. i realized i am going to run far far away from someone who lies to me. it’s just not worth it. i love you. i loved you but damn i just kind of miss u as a best friend. nothing romantic anymore. i just miss talking to u and talking shit with u but you can beg for me back, and it is a huge no from me. also i really respect u stepping up with coco while im not in ann arbor. ur just a bad boyfriend. i always knew that tho and i still went in for it. none of that anymore LOL fck that for real. like i wanna be friends with u just so we can hang out. im not the same person anymore LOL and i just think we would really get along now LOL 

when u said you couldn’t give me a ride i was upset but not really? i just understood. it wouldn’t have been good for us and last week, i don’t think i was ready to be in a car ride with u for that long even when i thought i was. looking back, i think it would have set me back a lot. thanks for making the best decision for us. you were always able to do that, i cant hahaha

but yeah anyways, this guy who i talked to for three days kind of offered to give me a ride. correction, we talked for two and then like he just decided to do that for me. very impulsive but i mean i get it, so am i

as we were talking, i realized we were way too similar to even have any romantic attraction. like, i know he did because i think he saw that as a good thing. but everyone else and me later on, realized, similarity for michelle kim is not the best. she needs excitement, passion, and just someone different for her fire. we were similar so we could have been good friends but i think i realized we couldn’t be more than that when he just started coming off too strong. idk, five days in of talking, he was just telling me don’t fool around with other guys and just like telling me to enjoy my single time while i can and it was very overwhelming. not to mention he dated a girl who actually became pretty closely to me recently and i actually really dig her so that was just a final like nope cause it wasnt worth it at that point. 

so i get to ny and im having all these realizations about the guy who drove me to va while im out with my friends. as im getting all these “boyfriendy” texts im like nope nope nope nd telling my friends i think i have 0 feelings for this guy now. 

next thing you know, my first and last hookup walks over to my friend asks her to smoke and he tells her he thinks im cute. i mean i didnt even know until like round 3 or even until he told me the next day. but yeah we just made quick eye contact and that was it. he joins us for round 2 and dang he is hot as fuck LOOL ok well maybe its cause i literally haven’t seen a guy that hot in a while. L O L like i always liked skinny tall guys. but he was like tall and fit?? like wtf?? LOL it just took me off guard and he was showing interest and i was just suuuuuupppppper drunk so we just went home to my airbnb. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I MADE OUT it was so crazy. like i dont think he believes me because he knew i wasnt a virgin but then i told him i never made out before so he was like so confused but didnt ask me questions cause i guess he just thought i was lying?? idk man. but ya we didn’t do anything except make out and when it got hot and heavy i was just like yo u want pjs and then told him lets just go to bed

l o l 

and hes like a super big gentleman 

he kind of didnt want to leave cause hed say stuff like ill leave when u go out. ill leave when u tell me to leave and i was like “ok u should leave now” and idk how but he just kind of stayed

and then he ordered food and idk we talked about his mom and my mom and we played this dumbass creepy game that we literally made up called black mirror black mirror idk man it was super fun and he even pretended like gdragon, hes a complete clown and i love clowns LOL but yeah he left and i went with my day, saw jane and joohee, came home and he texts me. hes like aksing to hang out and im like yeah if we dont get white girl wasted. 

we meet at one of my fave places beauty and essex. it was awk at first because i did not expect it to be like a bar bar since i came during dinner time last time. but we ended up having a lot of fun and it was good. we tried going to fat buddha but line was too long and one thing led to another, he came over my house and we just kind of made out and i d k what happened but i was suppppppppppper drunk LOL like more drunk than last night that i was dropping my phone in the uber and i was a mess but we ended up having “sex” it was just super fast and weird man. he just felt so diff from dan so i felt really out of it but the other guy finished and i think alc was also hindering his performance and it was just a clusterfuck. we just ended up going to bed. next morning, i know he got into super big trouble with his mom and i felt really bad about that. and then he left. i went to va. he texted me saying have a safe trip and that it was a super fun weekend and yeah that was that. 

im starting to realize i fucking like this guy LOL i mean i prob dont but i thought and think i do u know. im just not the type to do this and i feel like he got the worst image of me LOOL yeah my friends were like michelle ur not the type of person to just have one night stands cause one ima fall in love with them and two ur just not the type

idk i just lost myself from being in nyc

nyc is like the root of all probs 

love that place but still crazy

and ya i think hes kind of cute but i also know hes not really down since im in mich and all so ya ohwellz we’re only 21