#i cant even hold my breath because i know that wont happen but i like the idea lol. a crack headcanon lol

[aloysarrow]

I just think... that I'd be very cool... if we got not only bffs Artemis and Zagreus (aro and bi solidarity)... but also bffs Apollo and Melinoë (bi and aro solidarity)... it came to me while eating pizza and I think I'm onto something lol

[im-yn-suckers]

ink

pairing-bf niki x gf reader

warnings-kisses, lotssssss, both of yall are soft asf, reader is up at 11 and niki gets home from dance practice at that time, crying, mention of snot, cuddles, mention of s*gag* sch*gag* school.*gag* not proofread bc im lAzy, lmk what i missed

why are you up at 11 with your computer on right in front of you? because of your fucking professor. yes, yesterday you had to miss class because you overslept. like its not your fault that school starts at 6 and they give you homework that takes you hours to do. anyway, according to your friends, you had an essay due tomorrow so you only had one day to work on it.

your pens and pencils were scattered all over the table. your notebook was open and your notes were written messily due to you being extremely tired. sticky notes on the edge of your laptop and notes.

dry tears stained your face and left a pink tint. your lips and mouth were sore from having them scrunched. your eyes were puffy, and your nose with snot coming out of it. you reached for your tissue, and placed it in the trash next to you, after cleaning your nose.

a minimum of 1,000 words for your essay, 100 done. stress was going in through the front door, sadness through the back and exhaustion through the windows.

you looked up to the ceiling to prevent crying, almost there. you can do it, you know you can. so why are you telling yourself you cant. it was dark out and you could barely see. 100 words, 10 tear stained tissues, and one coffee later, you took a two minute break. not enough. tears ran down your face while typing, your hands cramping and at the very moment you let out a sob-

-"Y/N!!! im home and i have some sna- baby, whats wrong?"- even though he was tired at this hour, he was always energized to see your face. he dropped the bags of snacks and drinks on the floor and went to hug you.

he saw your laptops screen, tissues, notes, pens and tear stained pages and started to peck your scalp.

-"its ok, my love. you'll be ok, i'm here. nothings going to happen"- he reassured you, rubbing your back and pressing kisses to your forehead.

he closed your laptop notebook and pencil case, wiped your tears, and put it all in a pile to the side. he put the snacks and drinks on the table.

after a bit of eating, laughing and reassuring, you told him your essay was due tomorrow. he set your stuff up and told you to take deep breaths to calm down before starting again.

you had one paragraph left, you're almost there. you can do it. you set your hand on the table to look through your notes. niki grabbed a pen and your hand. he started to doodle some weird figures. little giggles escaping his lips. he switched the color to red, holding your hand down so you wont look

you wondered what he was doing. he smirked mischievously, put the pen back and laid his head on the table to avoid your eyes.

you looked at your hand and saw two stick figures in black ink. they were holding hands and had big smiles on their face. in red ink, there was a heart surrounded by 5 little ones. flowers in the background as well.

you looked over at niki who was looking at you. he blinked in awe and you finished your essay. you closed you laptop and put everything in your backpack. you walked over to your room while niki was getting ready to sleep.

you looked at your hand again and nik just stood at the door frame. you quickly finished getting ready and laid down. niki plopped himself on top of you playfully, filling your room with laughter.

-"i'm so proud of you baby. i love you"- he said, kissing your head

-"i know, i love you too"- he leaned forward and kissed you softly.

he held you close to him and kissed you passionately. he fell asleep after a few seconds and you looked at your hand once more. you kissed his nose and fell asleep on his arms

an: wow, its longer than usual. woohoo. slayyy fr. sunghoon drabble coming soon yall

[faerunsbest]

Break up?

Rolan is guarded in a million ways and even when he lets you in its hard to find your way any deeper. Tav wants to love him but hes got so much trauma the stress practically hold him together. He has trouble sleeping at night and will almost never admit its a nightmare and when he does he wont tell Tav what it was about.

but sometimes he'll let them put their arms around him until he can sleep again. Other times the insomnia just sits under his eyes and he wont acknowledge it, Tav has to word requests from him carefully to make him rest with them.

but sometimes he lashes out, nothing cruel per say but he gets overwhelmed and cant handle being touched held and for days on end and Tav is kept at bay until he's calm enough to close the gap. Its happened again and this time when he slams the door, Tav clenches their eyes shut and grits their teeth before just knocking. No answer as always, he's there and he can hear them.

"I know you don't care right now, this right here isn't whats concerning you and i cant help you because you wont tell me. but what i do know is, every time you do this. you break my heart and i just have to put myself back together all by myself until you feel like coming out again."

There's a pause and the quiet remains, hes listening.

"I love when you love me, I just wish it was real. I wish you loved me the way I love you."

A short swish of fabric behind the door, he'd turned to listen more closely.

"You know, the first time you did this to me, I cried so hard i thought i would die. I always cried over this cause I was so scared of what was wrong and why would you just let me help and you get every time i want to be...i don't know. closer to you? That's what this is supposed to be isn't it?"

Rolan leaned back against the wall.

"Isn't it sad? its been two years and i know nothing, i don't know what keeps you up at night. I don't what triggers these episodes and i miss you all the time. I try so hard to love because i know in a few days you'll lock yourself and ill be all alone again. "

Tav could hear his hand on the door knob.

"I know its a bad time, you don't deserve this. but neither do I. so I love you and i wish that was enough. But I'll be off now."

Tav waited a moment, they could hear his breath hitch, he was right there, all he had to do was turn the damn knob. After a heavy sigh Tav left packing up everything in the spare room they'd got used to sleeping in. On the way out Cal and Lia gave a warm hug making Tav promise they still keep in touch. and they weren't mad they understood.

[takeurexam]

dynasty || XI

genre:

non idol au, time travel, romance, rivals to allies to friends to lovers, crown prince to emperor taehyun, reader gets appointed as an concubine

pairing(s):

non idol!taehyun x reader

(warning, this does not reflect the REAL idols personality, and no smut will be written to respect the idol, and i am not comfortable as well, and the taehyun in this ff is not the actual taehyun)

story:

in which you, an excellent law student about to graduate collage suddenly gets dragged into the past, meeting the famous-fawned over emperor of the kang's dynansty. but you getting dragged into this mess was beyond a mystery, and it seems like you have something deep to discover. meddling with the past is a risky decision after all.

>dynasty masterlist

11. Anticipate

The sound of the crunch of the soil comes from your shoes as you hold your skirt up to your knees to avoid dragging it through the dirt, while you and your maiden make your way back to your chamber.

"Woah! The sunset looks cool." You notice an orange hue shine through your eyes, which you immediately cover, but you soon realize it was the shine of the astonishing sunset right infront of your eyes.

You continue walking, the fading orange light shining towards the shadow of the two of you while heading towards your chamber.

A thought suddenly crosses your mind, as you swiftly look at Hong-Yeon, as she jumps, taken aback. "Hong-Yeon, how is the Imperial Crown Prince treated usually by the royal court?" She holds her chest, clearly startled. She breathes deeply, calming down.

She thinks for a while, "He's treated with respect." Something lacked in her answer, and you knew it. "Hong-Yeon, answer me honestly." You cross your arms, as the two of you are brought to a halt.

"He's usually treated as an puppet, with the impression that he will become like his father. I used to serve the Crown Prince once, and he seems very different from the Emperor, and he is very intellegent." She squeaks out all of it in detail, remembering her moments where she served the boy himself.

"Does the Emperor know of his talents?" You scratch your hair, mind full of new information. Hong-Yeon hums, before answering. "For now, I dont think so. He's been hiding it to prevent any conflict from families or avoiding to be used." She nods.

"Woah. Kang Taehyun might be smarter than I think, or he's just pure stupid sometimes." You laugh, as the young maiden prays inside her mind she wont be beheaded soon, because of your innapropriate words about the Prince.

Noticing the dark night roaming around the palace, you think about how dangerous it is for a concubine to walk around at night, with no eunuchs or court ladies.

"Aren't concubines supposed to be by their chambers by now? How cruel would it be if something were to happen to the concubine favored by the Empress." A chuckle erupts behind you, as you widen your eyes, thinking it was someone unfamilliar.

You take a breath, before throwing your fist at the person behind you. "Take this!" You scream, confidently as the punch fails immediately.

The man catches your fist with his palm, as he chuckles. "Is it so dark that my bright face cant even provide light to you, or is it that you're so blind?" Speak of the devil, Kang Taehyun. You scoff, pulling your fist back towards you.

"Your Imperial Highness!" Hong-Yeon bows, as you just stare at her with a brow raised. She pushes your back down, making you bow at the Prince. "Ow!" You escape Hong-Yeon's grip, underestimating the girl's strength.

"I thought it was a creep... you kinda sound like an old man, to be honest." You step back, crossing your arms and glaring at the man before you. He scoffs, rolling his eyes.

"Im quite hurt, after our long history of interactions." He smirks, obviously teasing you. You roll your eyes, with your glare still around him.

He maintains his smirk, "Well, how about I escort you back to your chambers? Its not safe for a concubine like you to walk back after being publicly announced to be favored by the Empress?" You curse under your breath, hoping the worst for this man. But he was right- something could have happened if he had not arrived, because the awfully quiet and empty palace was suspicious.

Thinking about it, you would not want to risk your life either. Along with your maiden's. Its either making rumours or getting hurt.

"Okay, fine. Since you insist anyways, and I would not like to be hurt in any way." He laughs at your answer, as you just scoff at him and walk into the right direction, with Hong-Yeon trailing over you.

"Hey, wait!" He catches up, tagging along your journey.

"So, care to tell me why you're representing the Choi family? Have you put them in a daze?" He laughs at his own joke, while you roll your eyes. "Its a long story. If not for Beomgyu, I would've been eating fice soup all day." You swear you almost drool thinking about the delicious broth.

He merely chuckles, putting his arms behind his back, maintaining posture. "Well, I was suprised when someone like you would enter the palace."

Now that you think about it, entering the palace was a pretty bad move. Yet it would be the only way to enjoying your life once everything goes well. "Im aware, yet its pretty much a part of my goal." You respond, his words engraved in your mind.

"You have goals?" He laughs, his stomach hurting until he couldn't breathe anymore. "I hope you choke!" You furrow your brows.

"Well, we're already here anyway. Dont wish for something that bad, it hurts me." He smirks, presenting the chambers you resided in. "Have a good night, My Lady." He grabs your hand to tease you, but you pull it back, wiping his print off.

"You're gross." You feel the need to slap him, but you hold back. You dont wanna cause a problem and get you beheaded any time sooner.

Atleast you got back safely.

"The sky looks so nice today!" You smile, yawning from the long rest you just had a few minutes ago. A nice morning walk was the first agenda to do this morning. The palace's wind was cold, as if you were in a tall mountain. But the beautiful sunrise saved the trip, as you thanked the sun for rising and giving you a new tomorrow.

"I wonder whats the next test." You rest your arms into a stone balcony, where you can absorb all the cold winds. "It must be challenging for some stupid people."

Honestly, you were slowly getting used to life in another time. Some things may be missing that were present in the modern times, but that wasn't something to worry too much about.

"Rebirth..." A word that can describe your situation, as if giving you a whole new life. "There must be a purpose."

"Well, Hong-Yeon and Court Lady Choi might go crazy once I dissapear so I should go back before they send a whole army." You put your coat into your figure, covering you.

You walk back to the path you took, which was easy to identify due to the close distance between the balcony and your chambers.

"I see." You hear a voice on the wall beside you, as you quickly hide into a corner as they both marched towards the path. They stop in the middle, which they seemed to be discussing something.

"Must we really sabotoge a poor woman?" The aristrocat in richer clothing spoke, meanwhile the one in less flamboyant clothing nodded. "The Governor is paying a lot for it, we must do the job." They tried whispering to each other, which was horrible because you could still hear them.

"Heres the thing," The richer one puts his hands on his hips. "The test will start, and one of the concubine's will be delayed and come late. My Lord did not say who, but it is someone. The Empress removes points from concubines who do not follow the time, and sometimes result into a low chance of becoming a royal."

You listen in, as a concubine. "I cant be the one sabatoged!" You shake your head, bringing your nails to your mouth, biting them. "How cruel can people be."

"And what are you doing?" A voice reaches out to you, as you turn your head into the direction you had no sight on. Suprised, you see the Crown Prince right beside you, in training clothing.

It brings deja vu from the time you both also met at a time like this. "Shh!" You shut his mouth up by covering his mouth, taking him aback. You have your hands all over him, as he feels himself being suprised.

The aristrocats pause, obviously hearing commotion somewhere. The possiblity of someone listening in would probably be possible, so they shut their mouths.

"Get out, get out!" You push his butt out of the area, and into another corner. Just in time, the two checked the area, but no one was to be found.

Your hand still covered on the prince's mouth, Taehyun scoffs and pulls it off as hard as you pulled away your arm last night. "Its quite disrespectful to place your hand so easily on the Crown Prince."

"You were so noisy. I was listening into a conversation." You roll your eyes, letting go of him. He raises a brow, "And what made you listen in?"

You double check every side, making sure no one could see you both. You lean into his ear, whispering. "A Governor is paying out some aristrocats to sabatoge a concubine for the next test, I heard that whoever comes late has a low chance of passing, so they plan to delay some concubines."

"How awful." He comments, then he realizes something. He smirks, "You're afraid to be that concubine, aren't you?" He laughs, catching a glimpse of your angered expression.

"Fuck yo-" Something clicks in your head, before you even finish cursing at him. "Hey!" You shake his shoulder, "You're a genius!" You jump around, shaking his shoulder as he wobbled, confused.

"What?" He asks, while you giggle.

"Are you absolutely sure you're not putting yourself into more danger from this?" The man asks, as he fixes his armed clothing. "Walking with me means enraging my fan club."

"You have a fan club?" You laugh in disbelief. "Even you guys have fanclubs here, how insane." General Beomgyu clears his throat, waiting for you.

Well, to explain, the plan which clicked in your brain was to bring someone who would guarantee a safe and undisturbed trip. Since General Beomgyu is a respected person in the palace, even a mere aristrocat would not dare to go near him.

You explained the thing you overheard to Beomgyu, in which he completely agreed, because he didn't also want to risk anything.

"Lets go!" You walk along side him, with your maiden's and eunuch's trailing behind you both. It was the perfect plan to successfully arrive on time at the royal court.

"This morning, I noticed you and His Imperial Highness engaged into a conversation. Have you discussed this matter with him?" Beomgyu asks, as you nod. "He accidentally saw me listening in and caused me some problems, so I had no choice but to share it. Maybe he could do something anyway."

After a conversation with Beomgyu, mainly the main topic being the Crown Prince, you both finally arrive at the royal court, safely with no bother.

"Thanks, Gyu!" You wave goodbye, as he merely nods and walks away. You and the maiden's walk inside to reveal only one concubine inside the court, along with her servants.

"Shes probably either first or her father paid them to do the dirty work." You think, observing the lady. She was quite demanding and picky. Something you would call a brat.

After a while, the Empress finally arrives with only five concubines present. She obviously assumed what was going on, and decided to continue on with her duty.

You prayed that every single piece of stock knowledge would enter your mind and guide you throughout this test.

>next chapter

<previous chapter

taglist(open!)

@stormy1408 @eclipse-777

[intertexts]

TRIVIA TIIIIIME. THIS IS ONE OF THE LONGEST ONES YET !!!! IM SO FUCKING HYPE FOR U TO BE HERE THIS IS A BIG MILESTONE

EPISODE 13 TRIVIA:

- FIRST OFFICIAL PIECE OF MARK WINTERS ART !!!!!! HELL YEAAAAAH THIS ONE IS SO FUCKING COOL. this man haunts me

- bizly is talking about how he was fucking SWEATING all week before they recorded this ep bc he thought for sure william and vyncent were gonna just get in there and mirder the lich immediately. grizzly starts to say something like "no i wont-" and bizly cuts him off like "im not worried about YOU. youre my shining star, my golden boy"

- charlie, in response to this: "well. you should feel better because i cant even win against a WALL"

- grizzly: "i was really hoping youd take the bait and depower the villains. i was hoping to give you a cool idea with that"

- "the lich shouldnt even be alive, hes undead, hes breaking the laws of-"

charlie, interrupting "OKAYYY HEY NOW LETS NOT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT" << GETTING. INSULTED ON WILLIAMS BEHALF. AHA

- Dakotas memory about his dad pranking him in the car is an ACTUAL THING THAT GRIZZLYS DAD USED TO DO !?!?!?!!

- "william took 4 degrees of failure from punching a wall so hard your bone popped out" "yeah kind of like how i took 4 degrees of failure from sniffing a bag of doritos. kind of like how i took 4 degrees of failure from dakota comically picking me up and throwing me into a dumpster. all my trips to the spirit world are so pathetic"

- bizly: "okay let me say. you were going to go to the spirit world at the end of this regardless, i just saw an opportunity there and took it. originally i was gonna have you see a wisp while you were alive and follow it through a door or something" << AAURGRHRGHRGGH. i loooove talking abt williams powers

- HELLOOOOO THE FUCKING ANIMATIC. GOD. MAKES ME FUCKING CRAZY

- they all want to do a body swap episode. fully freaky friday moment where they cant switch back until they learn something about each other. i also want them to do this i think it would be funny

- bizly: "i love dakota dakota is one of my favorite characters in media."

(bizly: "because i relate to him"

charlie: "well THATS worrying.")

- "dakota doesnt necessarily *ignore* the why when thing happen hes just really... slow. it takes him a long time to reflect on things. it either takes him a really long time to process things and come to a conclusion OR he will just pull sage wisdom out of thin air because hes so simple minded. he'll just think for a really long time before he comes to these ideals that ive written for him as a player. itll come around, it'll just take him a long time to get there. as a player i know what kind of hero i want dakota to end up as at the end of it all" << i cant even add anything to this. grizzlyplays i am shaking you like a sack of rocks

- another mention about how dakota and chip riptide would be best friends i love this recurring bit

- "what did you guys think about seeing wavelength in the prison"

"uhh. hes mean :("

"it was awesome seeing him again, he scares me"

"it made me feel guilty that we havent found ashe yet"

- grizzly: "if he gets out of prison im gonna kill him" << HEAD IN HANDS

- "william wisp experiences incompetence consistently"

- hey remember in the episode how when william rolled to see if he was okay breathing inside the prison cell and bizly said something along the lines of "youre only hyperventilating because you *think* you should be, youre actually fine" << think about this in context with what you know now :) and hold onto it for the beginning of 14

- theyre talking about what happened between william and mark over the 10 month timeskip: william contacted him at some point, not really about anything in particular, just to ask him if he knew anything about ashe that could help thsm find him/updating him on their progress finding ashe. then when they started playing again william stopped contacting him (for meta reasons, charlie just forgot that was an option BUT) bizly took note of that anyway and thats why mark was so hostile right off the bat. he just like. stopped hearing things from william and didnt know what was going on anymore. so when they showed up here and had no update on ashe whatsoever it just made him think they werent actually doing anything to find him

- grizzly: "man you would thing being in prison and losing his son would give this man some perspective and adjust his personality but he just became more of an asshole"

bizly: "no, the problem is youre not thinking about it from his perspective!! youre only thinking about it from dakotas point of view where hes a villain and hes doing bad things so hes bad. hes just a guy who thought he was doing what he had to do to keep his son safe"

charlie: "okay but he like locked his son up forever"

bizly: "yeah i never said he was a good person! and then some teenagers came along and made him rebel and now he wants to be a super hero and the first thing that happens is he gets possessed" << THANK YOUUUU BIZLY. THANK YOU BIZLY. JUSTICE FOR MY HORRIBLE MAN

- they keep referring to overlord as "alligator guy" because they forgot his name. charlie even at one point goes "yeah and he was a crocodile or whatever, dont you know those are power level 9" << this will never stop being funny to me

- "HEY WILLIAM what do you think about dying again"

- charlie is Very concerned about the no blood thing. his theory rn is that the archway he saw was like "crossing over" for ghosts. like fully passing on and not being ghosts anymore. seeing himself/his memories in the prison cells was very poetic, he kind of feels trapped by himself right now. hes the most curious about the 5 empty chairs and what that could possibly mean

- theyre trying to figure out who the group of 5 could possibly be. williams old group didnt have 5 people, prime defenders doesnt have 5 people even with ashe so they have no ideas right now and are excited to find out more :)

- "williams pretty fucked up right now to be honest!!! we just spent an episode and a half arguing about how we're allowed to kill the lich because its undead and not human. and then he learns hes fucking deteriorating. uh oh! now hes probabky thinking 'am i even a person?' i dont even know if he knows what to think about the spirit world right now i think hes just kind of panicked"

- "if only the ghost of party city were here, hed know what to say about this"

- "how is vyncent feeling right now?" "hes still kind of pissed. his one goal of killing the lich after all these years was just ripped away from him. hes accepted it for now but if that lich escapes. man hes gonna go nuts"

SUCH an insanely good episode dude hoooooly shit. head in hands. everybody say thank u bizlychannel!!!!! man. this was SO good man it really does feel like.... not a turning point, necessarily, but very important. honestly, really glad that by now they've had time to really like, sit with their characters & the world & let it all steep for a while? this season already really feels like such a tonal shift & kind of a step up frm season 1 so far!! (NOT that season 1 also wasn't really fucking good. but a lot of what we've got in s2 so far feels a lot more settled and cohesive) im here for it!!! LOVED the animatic that shit was crazy. if thats a precedent they're setting now im gonna go wild.

I ALSO THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA MURDER THE LICH. i was like ohhhh great this is how we get the vigilante on the run arc its gonna be so bad theyre never gonna see tide again. phew!!!! i mean, i, too, still think the lich should be dead. but. also yeah WHAT DO YOU MEAAAN THATS A REAL THING HIS DAD DID. FUCKING CRAZY.

what else.. having so many thoughts about william's Situation . as always. man. it's so fucked up. i have no clue where any of it's going dude... the only thought i have is that i don't think. we have any real context for the five thrones thing yet. i don't think that's related to anything we already know except. mayyybe mal. i think that's some spirit world-specific bullshit! we'll see though. we'll see.

YEAH <333 DAKOTA IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS IN MEDIA TOO <33333 auaurrghghhggghhh. ohh hes so everything 2 me. also i love seeing characters who don't Get Everything Immediately. like yeah! you got time to parse through it all in yr brain man. hell yeah rotate it in ur mind for weeks before coming to a conclusion!! no one has their entire belief system hammered out in advance!!

+ also feeling fucking unhinged over mark winters. as always.

[fandomxo00]

I used to think masking was one of the worst things and it is inherently bad. But we dont live in a world where people with autism, adhd or any other mental illness can freely be themselves all the time. We mask to protect ourselves and I tend to over use my mask, unaware when its on or off but im working on it and figuring out who I should unmask around and who I shouldnt.

But is also part of trauma and when I am easily triggered my mask goes up and I tend to lose control over my emotions, feeling completely numb one moment before feeling the happiest or saddest I have been in days. When I have on my mask for extended periods of time, thats when my mood swings start, the executive dysfunction, giving into complusions and not telling the intrusive thoughts to fuck off. Its not that I dont want to fight against these things because the moment I can I do. But its the fact that people dont understand that I dont choose to not function, I dont choose to feel my emotions intensely or not at all. I dont choose the days where I can barely talk or move. I dont choose to get worse. Its because Im not me anymore, Im simply surviving, I cant make decisions towards a purpose or a true want in life because how are you supposed to focus on that if you want to get better? But the funny thing is when I refound a purpose, it changed everything and I felt like me again.

Im recognizing triggers and behaviors before they happen, I cant always stop them but Ive learned to try and expect that. Im feeling more in tune with myself than I have in years and its because I know I want a future, that I have something to work towards, something that means the world to me and keep me motivated and grounded.

I might fall back into the same patterns, I can try my best to soothe my body and mind when Im triggered but its nearly impossible for me not to fall into some type of trauma response. But I also know it wont last forever, that it doesnt control me and it doesnt make me who I am today. I am. No one else. I get to create my destiny, my future my hopes and dreams.

After feeling so out control for so long, Im finally giving myself the patience, the stucture, the care and love that I did not receive as a child. Its taken over two years and probably even longer to even get to a point where I can actually be happy for a couple days. That I dont have to go to the hospital every time I have a bad day, because my first thought isnt "I want the pain to stop" Its "I am capable of fighting through this, I am strong."

And Ik affirmations and self care seem like a trivial thing but its not.

Affirmations calm my nervous system and so does self care. Its helps emotionally, it helps with my confidence but my body calms down when breathing exercises just arent doing it. I even find that sometimes focusing on my breathing will make me hyperfixate and I will be thinking about breathing rather than doing it naturally so I would get light headed from holding my breath and not understand why I couldn't breathe. Its important to focus on breathing especially when your panicked but with me it can be slippery slope of what my ocd is going to attach itself to.

And for the first time in a long fucking time I actually said, "I think Im getting better."

[friendandloverofsuwa]

-English isnt my first language but I hope you all like it. Advance sorry for the grammar error. This is my first Simon Riley X Reader

Gonna delete this later

Simon cant believe he is now in church looking at the beautiful bride he'd ever seen. Her hair reminds him of the night sky, Models are nothing to her beauty, Her wedding dress compliments the curves of her body and She radiates more than anything in this place.

Her parents looked contented and her bestfriends were looking at him as if begging him to stand up. He just looked at her and her fake smile realizing he isn't in their wedding but her wedding with the Bastard who cheated on her many times.

She had no choice but to marry him as her family made promises to the groom's dead parents.

Simon still can remember every mission they went and every night they shared in that roof. She was the love of his life, She was everything to him and too much for his disappointment when she told Task 141 about her arranged marriage and too much to Simon's disappointment that she can never go against the old agreement.

Meanwhile Y/n felt happiness as she saw him amongst the crowd. At least she can pretend it was him, She pretends to be happy even if she knows that Philip is having an affair with her sister.

She was daydreaming at the time she first met Simon, of how shocked the giant is when a 5'4 woman talks and always bothers him on that roof. Of how she would cook for him if he doesn't want anything from the Canteen.

How he would make sure she is healthy and not stressed 'because she looked like shit and a potion making witch' she would never feel alone as she has the Ghost with her.

Everyone knows their fondness of one another. Maybe more than fondness the love they have for one another. Everyone knows that it was the rule 'You cant love your workmate' is keeping them apart with one another.

Y/n sighed as she knows there is no turning back now. She had no choice but to marry Philip, her 'Lovely' groom. Oh how she wished it was Simon.

The priest then said "Whoever wished for these two not to be union by the holy matrimony. Speak now or Hold your peace forever."

Johnny looked at his Lt saying "Lt. Are you alright?" Simon at this time made up his mind and no one is going to stop him, not even his comrades. He lost many things and many people, Y/n is not going to be one of them. Not when he knew he truly loves her, He looked at his comrade before accepting a nod from Laswell.

Y/n closed her eyes accepting her fate with Philip. She shouldn't be expecting Simon to tell everyone that he reciprocates her feelings. But when she heard her friend gasped loudly she opened her eyes to see him, standing at the aisle.

Simon took a deep breath saying "Fuck this shit, I'm not a guy who would do the things that kind of a man would do." He said pointing at Philip.

"I wont do date nights, I dont do surprises, I dont know how to cook, I wont do movie nights and I cant even flirt properly with you."

Y/n smiled as he continued his confession. While her Father smiled proudly, as he knows from her stories he is the one for her.

"I'm not the average guy you know, Y/n. And I know I'm a coward for not confessing sooner and even ruining this wedding. I know you won't reciprocate my feelings but I will not hold my peace as I watched him snatch away the most wonderful thing that happened to me." He sighed before holding out his hand "Dont say yes to him, Instead run away with me. Run away with me and I will love you my whole life." Y/n looked around and she saw her father standing up saying "Y/n, you're free to choose."

Y/n wipes her tears away before running to her sister giving her the flowers "You should be the one to marry him." Before running in front of Simon.

She took his hand saying "I hope you still have that offer."

He smiled before running away from everyone and the church.

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

drop the lore for your song !

(insert "sorry i put this in drafts and immediately forgot about it" cake here. sorry i put this in drafts and immediately forgot about it!!!)

okay so first i guess we should probably drop the lyrics, theyre on bandlab but also who give a shit. here you go:

-and you sit there like youre some starry-eyed god

asking for sacrifice, knowing what i lost

and what can i do but follow you?

i made you my temple, just follow through

and your honor, you sit and stare as i stand witness

to this man burning everything i love down with this building

and from the ashes his eyelash comes falling, i make a wish

it wont ever come true but ill make him pray it did

and god, my god i would follow you to death

you know this so you hold a blunt knife to my neck

i am more than just your satisfactions and regrets

but you are less than i thought, you are less and you're not even worth it

i am breathing just a little and calling it a life

you are walking in the wild with a mass market knife

and it feels so juvenile to talk it all through

we are teenagers at battle, we are always coming true

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW YOU COULD NOT HAVE SAVED ME?

AND DO YOU BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING YOU SEE ON THE NEWS

CAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT ALL KIDS DO IS LOSE EVENTUALLY.

I HATE THAT YOU COULDNT SAVE ME.

that must mean im stronger.

you said you would protect me.

but im like ocean water.

and youre like twenty three!

so i choose now between honesty and dignity

and i cannot worship a god i cant believe

yeah i tore my palms down your altar

for war, blood must taste sweet

i dont know what to do to make you believe that im insane

you made me, made me you, made me who i am

no you didnt make me, i made me, you were just a tool

ill say anything so ill sleep the whole night through

first piece of lore: i did in fact write this in tumblr drafts. people tend to not believe me when i tell them but notes app is far too open. tumblr drafts is for the arteries. also the sense of danger from my drafts being cleared or my account being deleted (which happened) keeps me on my toes.

second piece of lore: this is less of a song and more of a conglomeration of words i thought go together good. i didnt really have a plan for this as i was writing it, it sort of formed the image and story it has as i wrote and only when i was "done" (the song isnt complete but im done writing it for now) did i have it completely. my sister said the phrase "starry-eyed god" and i ran from there! i was kind of toying with the idea of being hurt by someone who doesnt really believe they are harming you, and sort of falling across that line all the time of are they really innocent or are they playing innocent.

i also liked the idea of being so in love with someone that you'd worship them, not understanding that that isnt love, its obsession. lots of misunderstandings and insanity in this bad boy.

this is also definitely the ending half of the song. in my recording the end is a little fucked because, third piece of lore, i accidentally slammed my hand on the table out of passion and spent the rest of the song trying not to cry in pain. why did i push through, you may ask. why didnt i just stop and rerecord in a minute. well im something of an artiste (idiot)

that bit on "what can i do but follow you/i made you my temple just follow through" where im high and singing almost reverently is what i want more of the beginning to sound like. for this section we have more of those divine chorus vibes peeking through every once in a while, so the beginning will have this almost spoken desperate vibe peeking through, but majority of that high angel voice for most of it.

okay this is already long so im gonna stop here with general lore -- if you want me to go through the lyrics as well and talk about that, i am more than happy to!! lyrics are my favorite parts of a song, especially writing-wise, so i would love that actually. some of the lyrics in this are inspired by poetry so its pretty fun to look back and see.

thank you for asking!! i love you sm <33

[fangirlstorycreator]

Terry CK X Reader

Context: Your at home when you discover something about yourself, but then you hear Terry and John are fighting at the dojo, and have to stop them 💚

You were at home by yourself, and you were pacing around the bathroom nervously. You didnt know what would happen, weather your whole life was about to change or it was just a false alarm. You had been waiting for your phone timer to stop after 2 minutes...because that's when the pregnancy test will give you your result. You hadn't planned on getting pregnant, but you did want to be. You were engaged to Terry, and you loved him more than anything, being pregnant with Terry's baby would be the most amazing thing you could ever want. The timer goes off and you very quickly press the stop button, then you reach for the pregnancy test.

You sit on the side of the bath and the pregnancy test is faced away from you in your hands. Taking a breath, you slowly turn the test over....Positive. "Oh my god" Its positive, your pregnant, you were having Terry's baby! Tears of joy run down your face as the knowledge sets in, and you rest your hand against your belly. "I'm going to be a mum, I cant belive it" You enjoy this blissful moment, before you think about calling Terry to see where he is, then you can tell him the good news. But as you go to grab your phone, it starts ringing. "Hello?" "Sensei L/N?" "Tori? Are you alright?" "I'm fine yes but, its Sensei Silver and Kreese. I was walking by the dojo and I saw them fighting eachother, it looks like someone might get hurt"

"Oh my God! Thank you for telling me Tori, I'll be right there" You grab your things, including the pregnancy test and head out to your car and start driving to the dojo. A few minutes later your pulling up outside the dojo and run up to Tori. "Sensei L/N! Thank God your hear, they wont stop in there" "Its alright Tori, I'll take it from hear, I'll stop them. You head on home, ok?" "Ok sensei L/N" Tori heads down the road and you make your way into the dojo. You run into the back room where they are, and you see Terry and John covered in bruises, with Terry holding John in a headlock. "Terry stop!" Terry looks up and his eyes are filled with remorse. "Y/N?" He let's go of John and John falls to the ground rubbing his neck.

"Sweetheart! What are you doing hear, why-why are you-" "Tori called me. She said she could see you and John fighting and was worried one of you would go to far. And thank goodness she did, because clearly you both couldn't stop yourselves!" Terry takes a few steps towards you, looking very sad. "Sweetheart I'm so sorry you had to see this" "Why are you both fighting eachother?!" John gets up off the floor and dusts off his gi. "Terry forgot his place Y/N. He is working for me, and needs to understand who is in charge hear" Terry looks angrily at him. "We both own this place John! You have done nothing to earn my respect and all you do is demand it!"

"Alright! Alright enough! The pair of you!" You say as you stand inbetween them. "You both need to calm down, and while I'm hear, noone is going to be fighting eachother anymore" John just smirks at you. "Y/N, with all due respect, your not going to stop me from teaching Terry a lesson, even if I have to go through you" Terry looks furious, and stands right behind you, but you move your arm out, stopping him going for John. "You wont lay a hand on my fiance John, I womt allow anyone to hurt Y/N" John just chuckles at you both, and you take a step forward. "John, you need to leave, now. Go home and calm yourself down. And that threat isnt going to work on me. Your not going to go through me to get to Terry"

"Oh really? And why is that?" Taking Terry's hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze, you give Terry a warm look, then turn back to face John. "Because you wouldnt attack a pregnant woman John" The room falls silent. John looks completely shocked, and when you turn to face Terry, he is crying tears of happiness. "Sweetheart? Your...your pregnant? I'm going to finaly be a dad?" "Yes Terry, we're having a baby, I even have the pregnancy test with me to show you, I wanted it to be a suprise" Terry smiles and pulls you in for a hug. "That is the best thing I could ever wish for. I love you sweetheart" "I love you too Terry. So please? Let's go home, no more fighting with John"

Terry looks at John, and even though he was feeling so much anger for him, that all melted away, because he was finaly going to be a family, he was finaly going to be a dad. He looks back at you, resting his hand against your stomach while looking deep into you eyes. "Let's go sweetheart" You and Terry are about to turn around and leave, when John shouts out "No! You cant just leave! Get back hear and fight me!" "No John...I dont care about anything you have to say anymore. The only thing I care about is my beautiful fiance....and my child. I'm not going to listen to your crap anymore" John looks angrily at Terry, then at you. "This is your fault! I dont care that your pregnant, your mine!"

John lunges at you, trying to swing right at your stomach, but Terry stands infront of you and uses his move, the silver bullet. He hits John right in the chest, and he falls to the ground with a loud thud. Clutching at his chest as he tries to catch his breath, Terry stands over him. "Your nothing to me now John. You tried to hurt Y/N and my baby! If I ever see you around either of us again, I'll end you" And with that, Terry takes you by the arm and you both leave the dojo, while John is left all in his own, in pain and struggling for breath.

[peaky-shelby]

Despair in the Departure Lounge

He's pining for her

In a people carrier

There might be buildings and pretty things to see like that

But architecture won't do

Although it might say a lot about the city or town

I don't care what they've got, keep on turning 'em down

It don't say the funny things she does

Don't even try and cheer him up, because

It just won't happen

He's got the feeling again

This time on the aeroplane

There might be tellys in the back of the seats in front

But Rodney and Del won't do

Although it might take your mind off the aches and the pains

Laugh when he falls through the bar

But you're feeling the same

'Cause she isn't there to hold your hand

She won't be waiting for you when you land

It feels like she's just nowhere near

You could well be out on your ear

This thought comes closely followed by the fear

And the thought of it makes you feel a bit ill

Yesterday, I saw a girl who looked like someone you might knock about with

And almost shouted

And then reality kicked in within us

It seems as we become the winners

You lose a bit of summat

And half wonder if you won it at all

And don't say 'owt 'cause you've got no idea

And she's still nowhere near

And the thought comes closely followed by the fear

And the thought of it

Makes you feel a bit ill

Despair in the departure lounge

Is one and they'll still be around at three

No signal and low battery

What's happened to me?

😢😢😢

Well that shit’s depressing. Literally Kylian’s POV. Especially the part where he sings about how being successful means giving up/losing something important that you cant replace which makes him wonder if he has truly won after all. That shit is heavy.

This is not Kylian’s song when Taylor goes back to England. Taylor is not going back to England. This is Kylian’s song when he leaves PSG and Taylor for Real Madrid to achieve his dreams. It’s literally perfect. This is the song when he’s on his private plane to Madrid and they are over the city and his agent is telling him about the architectures and how beautiful the city looks below them. And kylian mind is somewhere else. He is not thinking of the city below him. He is thinking of Paris and how beautiful his city looks like from above. Especially at night. He is thinking of Taylor and how beautiful she looks like. Especially at night. And he knows that when he lands, Taylor is not waiting for him. And and and oh my goddd he has this sinking feeling that he is losing her. That he has lost her. And it’s that sinking feeling that makes you panic a bit, that makes you want to throw up. But he is Kylian Mbappe. He is the best player in the world. He has a destiny to fulfill, a legacy to make and therefore he must play in the biggest club in the world. And he is heartbroken but also this is the very thing he has been working on since he started playing football as a child. This is his dream. Or is it? Is it really?Or is the girl he left in Paris his new dream? When did his dream change? When did his dream became more than football? Oh my godjsjsjsjdjd im crying? He’s supposed to be happy and he is but also he is so fucking sad. So fucking lonely and heartbroken and scared. Scared that he is going to regret this. Scared that he does not know what he is doing. Scared to find out what’s out there. He tries to keep a brave face. A smile. His family watches him. His mom notices something is off. She reaches for his hand to ask and Kylian squeezes it as if to say “Dont worry mom. I’m fine. I got this. I wont let you down.” He needs to fulfill his destiny here. This is what he is supposed to do. This is what is expected of him. So he gathers himself together. Take a deep breath gets himself ready for the cameras and people waiting for him as soon as he lands.

Fuuuuvkkkkkkk uuuu anon. This got me fcked up!!!!! Stop ruining my week! PSG has done enough damage already! 😫😫😫😩🥺😢😭😩😤🥺😢😫😫😫😫😢😭😭😢😫😫😩😫😫😩😫😫😫😭😭😭😖😣😖😟😔😣😔😞😭🥺😩😫😭😢😩😫

You wanna write the sequel to New Romantics bc damn this shit fucked me up too 😭😭😭 good job anon 😭😭

[marinatarot]

✨ᴘɪᴄᴋ ᴀ ᴄᴀʀᴅ✨

What does your spirit guides want you to know right now.

ℌ𝔢𝔩𝔩𝔬! 𝔗𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔦𝔰 𝔪𝔶 𝔣𝔦𝔯𝔰𝔱 𝔱𝔦𝔪𝔢 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔞 𝔠𝔬𝔩𝔩𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔳𝔢 𝔞𝔫𝔡 ℑ 𝔞𝔪 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔩𝔩𝔶 𝔢𝔵𝔠𝔦𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔱𝔬 𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔠𝔨 𝔪𝔶 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔲𝔦𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫. ℑ'𝔳𝔢 𝔟𝔢𝔢𝔫 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔱𝔞𝔯𝔬𝔱 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔣𝔞𝔪𝔦𝔩𝔶 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔣𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔰 𝔞𝔩𝔪𝔬𝔰𝔱 𝔱𝔴𝔬 𝔶𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔰 𝔫𝔬𝔴 𝔞𝔫𝔡 ℑ 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔩𝔩𝔶 𝔥𝔬𝔭𝔢 ℑ 𝔠𝔞𝔫 𝔥𝔢𝔩𝔭 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔱𝔬𝔬 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔬𝔣𝔣𝔢𝔯 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱. 𝔅𝔢𝔞𝔯 𝔦𝔫 𝔪𝔦𝔫𝔡, 𝔢𝔫𝔤𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔥 𝔦𝔰 𝔫𝔬𝔱 𝔪𝔶 𝔫𝔞𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔞𝔩 𝔱𝔬𝔫𝔤𝔲𝔢 𝔰𝔬 𝔦𝔣 𝔰𝔬𝔪𝔢𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔡𝔬𝔢𝔰𝔫𝔱 𝔪𝔞𝔨𝔢 𝔰𝔢𝔫𝔰𝔢 ℑ'𝔐 𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔯𝔦𝔟𝔩𝔶 𝔰𝔬𝔯𝔯𝔶.

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧

So you know how it goes. Take a deep breath and ask your spirit guides which pile holds a message for you. Enjoy the reading dear and please let me know if it resonated. thank you!❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙

Pile 1

The wind of change is a song that came up in my mind Pile 1 and it seems significant. Are you going through a really hard time right now? I can feel it. I feel like you are in the mindst of transformation and really feel like you have lost your old self but cant determin how to proceed because your new self has not fully blossomed yet. You are inside of a cocoon and have not yet become a butterfly but trust me you are getting there. Your spirit guides want you to know that they are all around you right now assisting you and keeping you company, They see the person that you can become. They see your bright future ahead of you abd they make sure to guide you towards it. They want you to follow your intuition because the communicate with you regularly and ask that you become more aware of the signs that they send you and to not wash them off as simple coincidences. This transformation is happening because lately you became aware that you were seeking validation and love from external resourses but not from within your self. Inside your heart, lies all you ever wanted as well as the unconditional love of the universe. In the mindst of this transformation make sure to hydrate, practise being gratefull for waht you have, keep your space clean and show your self some love by blocking from your life people that have been unfaithfull and untruthfull to you. Your spirit guides are always beside you and drop signs to communicate with you and offer guidance.

🛸　　　 　🌎　°　　🌓　•　　.°•　　　🚀 ✯

　　　★　*　　　　　°　　　　🛰 　°·　　                           🪐

.　　　•　° ★　•  ☄

Pile 2

Hi dear Pile 2. Your spirit guide want to give you a warning of some sort. In you quest of finding hapiness and fullfilment you have lost something of yourself in the process. You have people around you that they dont seem to be who they say they are. I'm seeing manipulators, people who are gaslighting yiu and blame everyone around them but themselves. (Since this is a generall reading this might be friends, a parent, a significant other..). I feel like all you want is to be loved and accepted for who you are and I strongly relate to that dear but you wont find what you are looking for while being around them. There is going to be a moment of realisation like a whip on your head, after another dissapointment of trying to reason with them, where you'll consider leaving them and cut ties with them for good. Your spirit guides strongly advise you to do that. Lately you are constantly thinking of dropping their ass and start feeling like you are not being appreciated and that they are being mean and unfair. A sudden argunment of some sort is going to bring an end to this relationship and offer a big oppening for you to leave because not even them are going to be able to justify their actions and bullshit. Leave them love. In the cards I see a big journey and a new beginning. That may indicate that you'll be leaving the country that they are in or just leaving and not looking back ever again. The road will seem uncertain but you are being watched over and protected. Begin your quest of finding what makes you feel like home and remember to first search that within your beautiful soul.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Pile 3

Hello beautiful Pile 3. First I want you to know that you are divinely guided and protected. I see here that you may go through or recently have gone out from a big transformational stage. You wanted to reflect so you looked within and by doing that I feel that you became more spiritual and in touch with your spirit guides. That being said, there is something to look forward to. A blessing, a challenge, an opportunity. You're being asked to try and blend in with your surroundings and try to find your place in the world and what makes you special. This challenge is going to reveal to you what you have healed within your self and what still needs your attention. There is going to be fear of the unknown and of the dangers that are looming but your spirit guides ask that you have faith in yourself and in them. I see you standing at the edge of a cliff, a hand ready to push you and the same hand ready to catch you. Do not be afraid, save your energy and take care of yourself. The path ahead sure is challenging but you can stand tall and be ready to overcome anything. I see you climbing a mountain slowly and steadily and when you are going to reach the top you'll find a clover garden. Blessings and good luck. You will be proud of your accomplishments and so will your guides. Finding your place in the world is not an easy task but you are never alone. The guides walk beside you.

:･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.::･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.::･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.::･ﾟ✧:･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧:･.:

[b1ueoff1ine]

day 5 short prompt 5? Maybe with Norman/Goblin?

Regret

Prompt: #5 - "It was inevitable, but I regretted it every step of the way."

Ship: Norman Osborn x Reader

A/N: I had fun with this one. ITS DAY 5! If you'd like to make a request, send it to my ask box!

Full 14 Days Of Valentine's Collection

Warnings: Arguing. Y/N in pain. (Let me know if I missed any!)

Word Count: under 500

__

Why? Because Norman didn't want to hurt you. But he did, and that's what mattered.

"Norman! Stop! Please!" You cried out in pain as Norman's grip tightened on your wrist.

"I-I cant-" Norman sounded scared.

You were crying now. "Norman, please! It hurts!"

"I'm not trying to do this! I swear! I would never hurt you!"

Suddenly there was no pressure on your wrist. Norman had passed out.

"Norman? Norman?! No, Norman, no! Please dont do this to me!"

You pulled out your phone and dialed 9-1-1. You gave them the information they needed, and soon enough the paramedics came.

You were sobbing violently as you tried to explain to them what happened.

"He-he wouldn't let go! Norman sounded as if he couldn't c-control himself... it was like his b-body was posessed! It got tighter and tighter until he p-passed out." You tried to breathe but the sobbing prevented it.

"Okay, would you like to tell me what your relation to Norman is?" The paramedics asked.

"H-he's my boyfriend. I love him, b-but he hurt me!" You were sobbing even harder now, you almost couldn't see through the tears.

The paramedics didn't ask anymore questions. You rode with them in the ambulance, holding Norman's hand as you drove to the hospital.

__

"Y/N? Norman wishes to see you."

You nodded and headed back into the hospital room.

"Norman?"

"Sweetheart..."

You shook your head. "I'm fine." You said coldly. "Just promise me it wont happen again."

"I'm sorry! I didnt mean to!" Norman apologized.

"You hurt me, and you cant take it back."

Norman suddenly had a look of pain on his face. "He got to you... It was inevitable, but I regretted it every step of the way."

"What?" You were confused. "Who?"

"Ita painful to explain-" Norman sighed. "I truly didn't mean to hurt you. There's- there's a part of me that hurts people. I can't control it- and it took control when I held your wrist."

"Why-" you said, dismayed.

"I love you Y/N. I do. But that part of me... doesn't."

__

[algolstare]

if you're falling from high enough it is not good to try and stick the landing, you can try and keep the destruction to only the parts of your body not vital for life, and when someone grabs hold of you sometimes it is better not to fight back but to go limp, be as heavy as you can be and fall - slip through their arms, and sometimes it is better not to try and swim upstream but to just hold your breath. the inevitable is i am going to be hurt again tomorrow, but i can keep the destruction contained, and i dont have to waste energy struggling when i can become deadweight and just try and come loose, and rather than drown myself trying to force things to go a way they are not going to go, i can work with things as they are.

since it is that the nightmare is coming true, i have to believe that the happy end to it will also be true, where i am okay. it is scary, though, because what even... it is just scary. i dont like it when yvette says things that are horrible and then they come true. it is scary that they knew when it should not have been possible to know - but then, if it is that we could know, then why could it not be that knowing would be enough to save us from it happening? it is too scary, all of it. i am going to be hurt again. i dont want it. i did my best, but it did not matter, i understand that the input and results are not so directly linked, but i feel like i must have missed something or other.. it would be easier to content myself with saying i brought this upon myself. i am going to be hurt again. the rent is raised, my mother was already planning on visiting, now they have the perfect reason to drag us back - cant pay the higher rent, could never let you go homeless of course, "everything will go back to the way it was". i am going to be hurt again, why was she even going to visit? she knows id never want to see her. that is probably why to begin with. why must the rent be raised? who even knows. it is not feasible, even if we could come up with the new amount in the less than a day's time til it is due, then there is again the next month.

the horrors are ever reliable in their horribleness. i didnt even fully unpack, i didnt trust things would truly be okay, now i am glad for my mistrust - the only reliable thing is that the world is unreliable and constantly everything changes. so beyond frustrating. i refuse to off myself about it, but i dont know how i am going to endure this again. i wish i could have anywhere else to go so i could say, "no, i wont be homeless, you no longer have an excuse to drag me back!" but there is nowhere else. beyond frustrating. i dont want to die. the exhaustion is hitting now, but it is not only in the body.

i am still grateful to have had this time to have been actually alive, and free of that hell, although it is currently going up in flames. it is not like it was particularly stable to begin with. but i wish it could have been. every moment has still been a precious gift. i really dont want this to be the end of it. it is pointless even to ask for help

[fiymywings]

i wont drag this out too long i prommy but i just wanna get some of my ymkr thoughts out

the one thing im most sad about ymkr eos'ing is, karma and alma genuinely were one of the better (i wont say one of the best since "best" in context to a very personal disorder that changes person to person is very very subjective) DID reps, esp in mobage

karma isnt this murderous evil dude and he doesnt attack people at random or for fun or anything, hes cold sure but its very clear in story he holds resentment towards the world and himself for being the "evil" that he feels alma cant bare to hold himself and talks a lot about just wanting to disappear once his job is over which i think is smth that resonates with quite a few alters that hold onto the trauma of the system and protect the host both in one

alma isnt scared or afraid of karma either, both because of his own personality and emma's own word that karma isnt a bad guy

i also really liked that switch triggers didnt feel too janky, though it did lead to me also getting jumpscared With emma when karma did show up but i much prefer that over a 10 second thing where someone yells "HES MORBING!!!" or overemphasis on the switch, sometimes switches do feel overdramatic but a lot of the times it just kinda happens

and to reiterate on my point from "karma isnt murderous", while he does attack people in some of the stories, a lot of it is justified in that alma is about to get seriously injured and hes often trying to de-escalate with no results. this is Wildly Different from media where say the alter is killing people to relieve stress (COUGH.) or just attacks people for being mildly annoying (COUGH .) protective alters, surprisingly, tend to be much more harsher or strict on perceived threats than random people! thats their whole job!

i know from experience some people tend to be iffy on the whole two alter only system format but i really truly dont think the alter count really matters, CPTSD does tend to cause more issues with your identity in context to dissassociation but if someone only developed one extra person in their noggin despite everything then more power to them, im Still splitting even in my mid 20's because of horrific depressive episodes alongside me recovering from some other trauma i experienced

this doesnt necessarily make the 2 alter thing Unrealistic, but its a testament to how strong they are at heart and moreover how strong their traumaholder is for having kept themselves together and helping the system move together as only two. obviously some people will also only have some issue with the same trauma while others will develop really bad issues (i.e. alma developing a system from his families death while hollow seemingly only developed OCD tendencies as a trauma response)

i think the difference of circumstance kinda matters here because almas case was a genuine arson due to slander while hollows case was a genuine accident that he holds guilt over unknowingly feeling like if he'd just taken the machines apart the fire wouldnt have happened (speculation! i dont know if he ever actually came to this conclusion yet but ... well :,) )

ANYWAY . going forward due to my lack of knowledge on the main story i hesitate to say i'll continue to write alma and karma's/hollow's story in plot to ymkr, but i cant really bare to leave them behind either, so ill probably just keep writing them with my oc/sona (oc for hollow, sona for alma/karma) and continue developing them within what i can !!! i'll love them forever and no service end will ever change that for me \o/

again, i'll be trying to archive their things, but i will have to do so cautiously because my phone storage isnt infinite...

i don't know, i think i just need some time T_T;; this isnt the only thing i'm kinda grieving the loss of in the span of a few weeks, though as silly as it is considering the game isnt living breathing, because its so personal to me im actually feeling a bit pained about it + the back to back losses is kinda taking a toll on me so i'll just be logging in and doing what i can... ill start archiving in october since i have quite a bit of time to grind and get the last meister pieces to fully max out the recent hollow

[wozorb]

Im always waiting for you to come home. I used to think that you running away from me was like when you ran away as a kid. A cry for attention, for validity of your emotions. A way to say, im so angry im leaving and i wanna see how much you care. I always reached out, chased after you.

I thought it would make you feel loved, and show how much i care, but instead you just ran farther away. You told me when you ran you needed space. It took me a while but i understood eventually.

I stopped chasing you and waited for you to come home instead. I try to take you at your word. I want you to know i believe you always. Even when sometimes things you tell me make me doubt that. Like how you used to empty beer bottles to make it look like you were drinking more than you were. I thought you were driving drunk or tipsy, or at least that you were drinking a six pack outside. I was so scared. It took you two years to tell me that. I kind of laughed but inside i was screaming. It felt manipulative and gross, but i think you just wanted me to care. To be worried. You didnt know that i already was. I would have been without the alcohol because i love you so goddamn much.

Even knowing that, i stopped chasing you.

But the thing is that you never really come home to me. Never in your heart. I say i want to talk and you say, "i dont have anything you say. But talk." So i say my piece and then you walk away and we don't talk for an hour, or a day, or two days. Eventually i sit down next to you snd scratch your leg and you let me sit down and you don't pull away. We sit and watch your favorite reality tv shows, and i hold my breath and hope you are willing to talk to me again.

Because the thing is that ive been ready and willing to talk. Ive been hoping and praying that youll talk to me. Ive been dreaming that this time, you will sit down next to me, and scratch my leg, and do something i love with me. But i cant remember a time thats ever happened.

I keep waiting for you to sit down first. Sometimes i run away too. But every time it's because im desperately hoping you will chase after me. Even if we fight and scream -which we never do- at least you would have reached out. Often times Youll text me eventually. We wont be talking and you text me to complain about work and then when you come home i know i can sit down and scratch your leg. I see it as the peace offering it is. It just isnt enough.

Im sitting outside on the front porch, watching cars drive by, looking for yours. Im at once desperate and dreading seeing you pull up. Desperate because i miss you, dreading because i know you will walk by me on the porch. I came out here because i was hoping you would sit down next to me. Instead i watched you drive away.

You left me again. I texted you. I said "Im a giant coward and i never can actually tell you anything important about what im feeling in real time. Only over text. But i want to try talking this out and try to communicate healthily. I miss you and i dont want to fight again. When you are ready to talk can you come home? Im still on the porch waiting for you."

You said "me going back to that house does not mean i want to talk" and "i want to be heard and i don’t feel that so i don’t want to talk"

and I said "I just want us to develop healthy coping mechanisms for conflict between us is all, so let me know when you do want to talk" and "thats fine. Im not trying to push you. I want to hear you and be heard as well"

You said "can i be left alone now"

I said "yeah babe".

I know i share blame in our fights. Of course i do. I would never pretend otherwise. I just dont know how to fix my part in whats broken.

I want to so badly.

Why can't we hold each other and cry? Ive been crying, maybe youve been crying. Why can't we sit on the porch, and we dont even have to talk, we can just apologize, say we love each other, cry to each other, take comfort in each other. We can work out the root of the problem later! Thats fine! I can affirm that i see and validate your pain and you see and validate mine.

Instead you walk by me on the porch after you come home. Im still sitting and waiting for you. You shut the door, and then you come out just to ask if i took the dog out. I say yes. You go back inside and i stay here and write this.

And i still dont know what you want. Should i sit down and scratch your leg? Do you want me to follow you inside? Ive stopped trying to chase you but ive never been 100 percent sure you dont want to be chased.

At the end of the day, i would die a thousand destbs everyday for you. Sometimes i feel like I am. But i know in your head are thoughts as valid as mine. And i guess im terrified ive been the asshole the entire time.

I try so hard everyday not to trigger you my darling, and i always fail, and everytime you leave me, whether in body or spirit. And i die a little bit each time as i watch you walk away and i wonder if its entirely my fault that you left.

And still i love you endlessly and wait for you to come home.

[mu-pt1]

harpsi

been a while. nothing much has happened which explains my absence. me and my boyfriend are still together. we have our issues but it's nothing to make me stop loving him for who he is. he truly is a great guy. love is a crazy and annoying process but its worth every little bit of energy it drains out of you. I wont say I dont regret loving certain people. there will always be times where I wish I would've taken my love back and moved on to someone who could reciprocate it. I think to say to never regret loving someone is foolish. I regret giving love because it has damaged me as a person many many times and it will continue to do so. so yes, I will hold grudges. I will yearn for my past self. I will cut parts of me that I feel could be used to take advantage of me. it will hurt but the world will hurt worse. there are some things about yourself that you may have to change and thats just the ignored truth. you cant be too naive or too ignorant. but at the same time, love is a great and beautiful thing that blesses many. you can love someone enough to give them your all. to always make sure they're okay. to even dream of living a happy life with them. you can love someone enough to the point that even thinking of them gets your heart beating faster and your breaths shortening. its a hypnotic feeling. something many people chase. but you must never let yourself get too indulged in that feeling. this is why I sympathize so deeply with domestic violence victims or anybody who just doesnt wanna lose someone. its easy to say "dont ignore the signs" but when youre stricken with love, you see the signs clear as day. you just ignore them in the hopes that maybe they'll change. after my last relationship, I realized that the victim is never blind. they know whats happening is wrong and they know they should leave. they just cant. they're just too hopeful that their person will change. they become so broken with delusions that even being looked at differently by their person may get them thinking "they're changing back to their old lovey self. I should stay." I know because I did it. every glance and every touch my ex gave me, I felt deep down inside like I knew he was gonna change and love me again. I realize now it was just pity. pity is easy to confuse with love. you feel so bad that you give into whatever they want as to not hurt their feelings. being pitied is worse than being hated.