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tortured-swiftie · 4 years ago

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@revouries sorry it took so long but here is my full list of song recs! Ps - it is loooooong

So I’m still very surprised anyone is even interested in this but its a really cool thing to share! This playlist has taken me close to a decade to create and I’ve been asked to share it with you all! Fair warning - heavy spoilers, and a lot is based on ship angst, don’t come for me. Also I have only read TDA twice and its been maybe a year since I did so I don’t remember everything perfectly. I had a lot more time with TMI because I read them for years and years. TID & TLH don’t really have soundtracks for me, because of the time period these modern songs really feel wrong when I read those series.

TMI :

Battle in Hotel Dumort in CoB -

- I’m So Sorry - Imagine Dragons

The pace of this song, the sinister notes, the danger it invokes just brings this scene alive. But also, this is the first time Clary feels like a Shadowhunter. She fights and its not terrible. She feels powerful instead of like a liability. Shes able to hold her own while talking to a clan of vampires. Its badass and fits the song.

Seelie Court kiss scene in CoA -

- The Violet Hour - The Civil Wars

Its such a beautifully haunting song, its sweet on the one hand but something wrong lies underneath it. It is so so perfect, because Clace is getting what they’ve wanted, but by hurting those around them. They get to give in for once, without the guilt attached, they have someone to blame for all this. But it ends on this very uneasy note, because it isnt right. So much of it is not right and Clace are not satisfied because it wasn’t a real kiss or real declaration of love

Jace and Clary after the meeting with the Seelie Queen in the Institute in CoA -

- Black Flies - Ben Howard

This is a very Jace song for me. Its quiet, peaceful, but the words are hurtful and honest. “No man is an island” fits him so perfectly at this time in his life where he feels abandoned by Valentine, abandoned by Mayrse, abandoned by literally everyone so he wants to make it worse by committing to Clary. She is so unsure of him because of the repercussions it would cause and he wants her in this moment because of the repercussions. He wants to isolate himself so he cant be hurt by those he loves.

Jace meets Valentine on the boat CoA -

- Silence Worth Breaking - Brooke Annibale

This is where Valentine really shows off how manipulative he is, and as a reader you start to believe how easy it would be to get around to his way of thinking. imo this is the best villain CC has written, because you find yourself agreeing with him sometimes and he makes it difficult to argue from a different perspective. The first time I read this scene I was convinced he was going to go with Valentine. The song is foreboding, it is anxious, and makes you think something bad is around the corner, which at this point in the book you feel like something bad is bound to happen

Simon is about to die on the back of Luke’s truck end of CoA-

- Wait - M83

This just perfectly conveys the grief and fear and guilt Clary feels when she thinks Simon is about to die. She brought him into this life, he turned into a vampire because of her, he was tortured by Valentine because of her and just as they saved him he is going to die. Its the loss of innocence and childhood for Clary. Simon is the last piece of it stripped away from her. First her mum, then her belief system in her whole world, then Luke, and now Simon. She is stripped all the way down to the bone of her identity and this scene is quick, but intense for this reason for me.

Clary and Jace meet up for lunch at the end of CoA -

- Distance - Christina Perri

This is such a sad song, and the sweetness of Christina Perri’s voice pairs beautifully in this scene with a feeling of a bittersweet kind of resigned acceptance. Clary had wanted so bad for Jace to let her go, she had convinced herself that her feelings weren’t that strong. And now here she is accepting her true feelings and ready to kind of wrap Jace around herself like a security blanket and he tells her exactly what she wanted to hear earlier. Except now she has to be a big girl and face her life without anyone holding her hand. She has to grow up and thats what makes this scene so sad, this is Clary realising its time to grow up.

Clary and Jace find Ithuriel in CoG -

- Goodbye Godric - Nathan Barr

This song was always ethereal and otherworldly, the notes are awe inspiring and convey this grief that is so abstract and not individualistic, it is beyond the human experience. Clary and Jace’s complete altruism and empathy in this scene matches with the grieving tones, how helpless they feel at this beautiful creatures pain, and how much they want to do something but they don’t know what. Then Ithuriel shows them visions and its even worse than they imagined. The misery that exists in these walls caused by Valentine, the waste of energy and life and soul is amplified by the music. The music soars as Ithuriel is set free, and the manor home crumbles.

Clary and Jace make out session outside the newly ruined Wayland Manor CoG -

- Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics

This wild abandon kissing perfectly matches the mood and pace of this song. Its all over the place, its messy, its confusing. Its giving into pure passion. Its abandoning any pretences they have built up and watching reality crash back down on them.

Isabelle wants Simon to distract her after Max dies in CoG -

- Not Everything Was Better In The Past - Fink

This is such a tenderly played song, and is easy on the ears, but there is a rawness there. Isabelle is completely stripped away, raw grief and anger and guilt eating away at her. When she lets Simon in she is ferocious and wants to show him her toughness. But Simon sees through it all to a scared young girl who is lost in this sea of grief. Its a sweet Sizzy moment

Jace telling Clary he loves her for the first time in CoG -

- Leave a Light On (ACOUSTIC) - Tom Walker

Jace shouldering the responsibility of finding Valentine by himself, essentially sacrificing himself to the cause, hes grief stricken, and yet feels barred from that grief. I know we experienced this scene from Clary’s POV but this song works so well from his POV. He wants to tell the girl he loves how he feels, he wants one night with her to feel normal and feel loved, and to pretend just for a little while that there is nothing wrong with that. This very stripped version of the song is much much much more raw, and that’s what Jace feels like in this scene, all the walls are down and he wants to show his real face to this one girl

Clary showing off her rune skills in the council chamber in CoG -

- I Found - Amber Run

This was the first scene I imagined from a filmmaking perspective, how to best present this scene. I imagined this entire scene from Jocelyn’s POV, frame by frame, as she walks into the council room very quietly and watches her baby walk up and address everyone in desperation, voice shaking but standing her ground. Grown, bigoted, adults judging her and are fearful but she is still showing them what she’s worth. I imagined Jocelyn’s entire world view shifting because she is in awe of this powerful girl Clary has become. She watches her daughter no longer as a little girl but as a formidable Shadowhunter that could handle the cards she had been dealt in life. Just a very transformative moment and pivotal in how we see Clary in the TSC universe

Lilith takes over Jace’s mind and disappears with Sebastian at the end of CoFA-

- I’ll Keep Coming - Low Roar

This song starts out so uneasy, it cant settle down, and that’s exactly how I feel when Jace sends Clary downstairs. I want to scream at her to stay, but knowing Lilith would always take over no matter what. Its a very dark moment, because no one wants to lose control of themselves and it must have been pretty scary at first. Its an anxious scene, paired with an anxious song

Magnus takes happy memories away in CoLS -

- Howl - Jake Houlsby

Magnus is looking very sad when he does this, especially what he says to Simon. Its such a knowing look, Magnus is no stranger to this kind of sorrow, but still to be witness to it over and over must take its toll. It just makes me think of the endless road stretching out ahead of him and how lonely and terrifying that must feel for him. Just a beautiful song to go with a sad moment in this scene

Clary at the Faerie club with Jace and Sebastian CoLS -

- Faded - Alan Walker

- Darkside - Alan Walker

At this point in the story you feel a lot like Clary is getting too comfortable and is maybe losing sight of the mission she’s on. These two songs are very club sounding to me, and tonally fits the mood of the chapter. Clary is quite literally lost in that moment with the Faerie drugs and the dancing and the atmosphere

Clary dancing with Sebastian CoLS -

- Daddy Issues - The Neighbourhood

First of all lyrically….it cannot get more perfect. “Go ahead and cry little girl nobody does it like you do, I know that you got daddy issues. And if you were my little girl, Id do whatever I could do…” it just conveys the creepiness of Sebastians interactions with Clary and how weird she felt when he was dancing with her and how wrong it felt. This is a very short moment in this chapter but it really creeped me out. And this song conveys perfectly this feeling of haziness of the Faerie drugs and this uneasiness that surrounds Sebastian

Simon drinks from Isabelle CoLS -

- Harvest Love - Tash Sultana

This is a pretty soulful, sensual song. And when Simon drinks from Isabelle and he describes the euphoria that comes with that, the description of how his nerves react to the fresh blood just remind me of the part in this song where the drums and music soars the highest (start around 3:32, and it reaches its peak around 4:48) its honestly one of the sexiest scenes CC has written, even including all the Jemma scenes

Magnus and Alec break up in CoLS -

- Evergreen - Ben Howard

First time reading this I was so so angry at Alec, and felt the sorrow and anger coming off Magnus. This song is very dark, and very sinister. Magnus completely misunderstood what Alec was trying to do, and applied the most sinister meaning to his actions. It is their perfect breakup song imo full of angst

Clary traps the Heavenly Fire into her sword in CoHF -

- Outro - M83

This is another scene I imagined cinematically. The first half of the song is where Clary slowly makes her way over to Jace and she suddenly has faith in herself that she can do this. Then we watch her take Jace’s hands as the radioactive wind sounds start and the flames are swirling around them but not touching them. Cut to Magnus and Luke seeing the colour on the horizon, and the flash that shows its over. Cut back to Clary drawing the Heavenly Fire into the sword as the music swells around her. The words are so so powerful, and they always felt very ethereal to me “I’m the King of my own land” This is Clary fully embracing her power and fully utilising it. Its no longer something separate from her, but she IS her power.

Clary killing Sebastian, pretty much a lot of the scenes before the time jump CoHF-

- Saturn (both acoustic and original version) - Sleeping At Last

This song is definitely an end of film/book / end of heroes journey material. Simon sacrificing himself so they can get back, Clary killing Sebastian and forgiving him, Clary scattering the ashes of Sebastian and finally grieving the past years trauma (all of the TMI journey), the Faeries being condemned by the Clave and Helen getting exiled. Its beautiful, its sad, its momentous, its not a regular song.

Alec finds Magnus in Edom in CoHF -

- I Of The Storm - Of Monsters and Men

The steady drum beat adds a sense of steadiness and calmness in this song. Its not a joyful getting back together but they’re both glad the other is alive and are both forgiving each other. For me, this is when I truly started shipping Malec. The growth, the strength of character begins from this moment. This is when they become a couple I love because this is when they commit to each other flaws and all

Isabelle introduces herself to Simon at the end of CoHF -

- Golden Dandelions - Barns Courtney

Isabelle has always felt like a full punch character, no half measures and all that. The feeling Simon describes when he first spots this beautiful girl walking directly up to him is how this song starts, for me at least. The drums, the barely contained excitement, the curiosity, and faint recognition. This song is a full punch song right from the get go and it felt like such a remarkable Isabelle moment

After Jocelyn & Luke’s wedding in COHF -

- From Gold - Novo Amor

It is such a bittersweet, and peaceful song. There are so many endings in this scene, and so many new beginnings. They are all grieving, one way or another, and are all allowing themselves to evolve. Their journey is over, and at the end of this book I had this sense of saying goodbye to these characters (retiring them so to speak) because I wasn’t sure how much they would be involved with the future of the TSC world. Im glad they are still a big part of it, but they will never be the main focus again.

TDA:

Julian and Emma dance in LM -

- Give Me Love - Ed Sheeran

The sexual tension, and the dread they both feel because of their feelings just makes this scene so dramatic to me, and this song softens it a little. Especially if you are re-reading the series you feel this tenderness because they so badly wanted to avoid falling in love

Mark and Kieran in the Hunt -

- Dance Me To The End of Love - The Civil Wars

This is a pretty offbeat quirky song, a little sad, a little wistful, a little mournful, sensual, but tones of wildly abandoning all you know and giving into baser desires. Whenever Mark thinks of his time with Kieran in the Hunt, his memories sound like this song. They experienced very high highs, and very low lows. They were degraded, the lowest you could possibly feel as a living creature. Yet they were riding into the night, sleeping under the stars in places only known to Faeries. There was no one watching them, and no one to stop them from being together. There is tenderness in their relationship, but also knowledge that they are only together because they have no one else. Its happiness without truly feeling like you have a choice about it. You have to be happy together because you cant find this happiness elsewhere. They are forced into being in love a little bit, because the alternative is so much worse. This is one of the reasons why I couldn’t ship them at first, because they hadnt really chosen each other. Only when they were presented with other options and they till chose each other did I start seeing their potential.

Julian and Emma on the beach LM -

- Next To You - Of Rust & Bone

This scene completely took me by surprise, and is very unlike CC because love scenes normally take place quite late into any series she has. This one was filled with anxiety, and tension because the characters quite literally fell into their feelings. There was no forethought, no sense of taking stock of what they were doing. And they ended up feeling such different things about it afterwards. So for me this songs darker moods perfectly pairs with this scene

Kieran and Mark argue/break up LM & LoS -

- Fade Away - Tom Walker

This song has such raw power, such dark emotion and anger and a sense of betrayal that it perfectly captures their emotionally charged scenes. Mark can never be the same Mark that belonged to Kieran when he had no one, because now he has his family. And Kieran is still the same man who has no one but Mark. I hated him the first time I read LM and most of LoS but their chemistry is hard to resist. Especially as they evolve as characters as well as a couple. They are wild and unmoored sometimes and there’s something exciting about characters you just cant pin down.

Emma & Jules’ strained relationship LM & LoS -

- 9 Crimes - Damian Rice

When Emma is “with” Mark there is this strange chemistry between her and Julian. Both have hurt each other at different times, but this was really like a stalemate. Neither could really move on, and both were angry at eachother. As more and more people found out/realised about the feelings they had were more than parabatai this tension grew. Because they’re not just falling in love, they are also actively choosing to hurt one another. They are certainly not an example of a healthy relationship but I felt in some way they were the realest. Because sometimes relationships hurt and sometimes you do things you have to do even if that isnt what’s best for your relationship. This song perfectly captures this push and pull they have, and how falling in love wasn’t blissful happiness for them. It was pain and secrets and hurting.

Annabel rising, killing Malcolm LoS -

- As It Was - Hozier

Since we’re watching this scene from above, a very unnatural and cinematic perspective, the scene feels unreal. Like it was a dream and didn’t happen. I felt genuine fear and uneasiness when Annabel is slowly brought back to life, skin growing over old bones. This song has notes that aren’t usually arranged together, instruments that are usually a bigger part of a quartet, and somehow that arrangement feels just a little wrong. It feels different, sinister, and uneasy. It feels like its missing several instruments, or some notes have been played incorrectly. Hozier’s voice is his best in this song, very strained, but so controlled, bringing forth very intense emotions

Christina and Mark at the revel LoS (I couldn’t remember if this was in LoS or QOAAD) -

- Now You’re Gone - Tom Walker & Zara Larsson

Christina really let herself go during this scene, and we see a completely different side to her. She is adventurous, risky, and she would make anyone say “fuck it lets do this” I always liked Christina but I always felt she was very predictable until this point. We see how intensely she is interested in Faeries, and how personally invested she is in their culture. She allows herself to be swept up, and embraces it rather than fears it. She honestly seems fearless here, and is the definition of temptation. She is quite literally tempting Mark, and its sexy a f

Jules & Emma burn down the church LoS -

- Esmeralda - Ben Howard

This was the first time their relationship excited me, because during this scene I fully expected they would go into full thirst mode but they didn’t. They were still very sensual and sexual and intense, but in a very very different way. There is something attractive about someone who’s willing to burn the world down, who has a little bit of an anarchist side. Its human nature to feel some attraction to these traits, and this scene definitely stirred feelings in me

Emma fights Fal LoS -

- Put It On Me - Matt Maeson

This song both tonally and in its pacing elevates this scene to new levels. Its not a typical battle song, it has a steady pace. But Emma’s description of how the battle is stripped down because of the rain, how she prefers this kind of fight where its her, her weapon and the elements. Its pure, and we get to see Emma in full fighter mode. She is an extension of Cortana, and they belong together. This is without a doubt my favourite fight scene to date. It just brings alive the visuals in such a dynamic way. Very storyboard-able.

Julian holding Livvy as she dies LoS -

- Losing Your Memory - Ryan Star

This song is harrowing, and its just pure pain, raw grief balled into one intense song. The lyrics just pull you into Julian’s mental state “wake up, its time, little girl, wake up” just kills me. As the music intensifies and the singer is practically screaming the lyrics it just feels like that’s what it must have been like inside of Julian’s mind. He wasn’t screaming out loud but his mind must have been very loud

Julian and Emma shower together QOAAD -

- Promise - Ben Howard

Julian dry heaving because he doesnt know how to cry. Fucking heartbreaking in a very quiet way. After the noise of loss, the quiet moments where you have to face grief is devastating. Emma being an anchor, holding him in place and trying to keep the world away from him so he doesnt hurt anymore is just harrowing. They’re just kids but the grief they feel is so adult. And when you lose someone like that, and someone is there for you that solidifies so much in that relationship. They become a part of something you can never let go of. Even if that relationship doesnt last, they will always be apart of that memory. And Emma sticking by him, despite the danger and promises they have made themselves is proof that she is the one for him

Kieran and Christina dance QOAAD -

- Senorita - Shawn Mendes & Camilla Cabello

This song is sensual, its sexual, its got hooks that quite literally sound like orgasms its such a playful song. When I read this scene this song popped in my head right away. When Christina is dancing with Mark its the same kind of feeling I got from her at the revel, except this time there is no supernatural influence, its just her and her feelings. It was a sexy scene, and when Kieran walks in we all expected something very different. What followed is what elevates this scene, Christina has no clue how to react to Kieran, and yet she is mesmerised by him. She dances with him in a way we would never have imagined her doing this in LM. It shows evolution of character, for all three of them. And the fact that Mark is watching, and he’s not angry just makes this scene even sexier. You can practically feel the sexual tension in the air coming off the pages of the book.

Malec wedding QOAAD -

- That Girl Is You - Dave Matthews Band

This song brings me so much peace, the kind of peace that comes with knowing someone for years, and relying on them, knowing they are a permanent fixture in your life. Its exciting, but in a quiet way. Its a very atypical wedding song, because of the unusual style of singing. But I think it represents Malec really well at this point in their journey, they have gotten over many obstacles, often themselves, in this relationship. Their entire world is changing, and they are taking massive steps and making some pretty big sacrifices as people for this cause. Being Consul isnt going to be a smooth life for Alec with Magnus as a husband and a warlock for a child. But this is what he wants, and this is what he wants Shadowhunters to reflect and be going forward. This song is a very peaceful time in the entirety of TSC, and gave me a similar feeling to the end of TMI

#tsc #song recs #tmi #the mortal instruments #tda #the dark artifices #cc #cassie clare #cassandra clare #the shadowhunter chronicles

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mychemicalrachel · 5 years ago

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Right Now

This is a follow-up to my fic Right Here but can be read as a standalone!

When Eddie had asked Buck to be Christopher’s godfather, he said it was a precaution, just a way of knowing that Chris would be taken care of if anything happened. It was supposed to be a safety net. A contingency plan. It was never supposed to be real.

Part One; The Hospital Word Count: 2140 Read on Ao3

After the ladder truck incident, Buck thought he could say with a great amount of certainty that he knew pain. His leg had been crushed-- it was touch and go for a while whether he would even keep it-- and the pain of not just that moment, lying helpless under the truck, but the many moments that followed were more than just physically painful. They were terrifying. More terror than he had ever known.

And then he’d lost Christopher in the tsunami and Buck understood a different kind of pain, watching his best friend think, however briefly, that his son had been swept away with the waves. Gone forever.

Still, nothing in his life ever prepared him for the sight of Eddie lying unconscious in a hospital bed.

He was breathing with the help of a cold machine, a tube disappearing down his throat. It was only until he could breathe by himself, Hen had carefully reminded Buck.

If he ever woke up, that is.

Buck decidedly did not cry. His eyes brimmed red and watery, but he couldn’t allow the tears to start, in fear that they might never stop. He stands against the wall, arms hugged tightly to his chest, and watches as Athena swoops in, stoic as ever, to get a succinct report from the doctors; they’d been adamant up until that point that nothing could be disclosed unless they were family. Though he had faced Athena’s wrath many times and knew the effect it had, the fact that she was still in her police uniform probably added to the doctor’s hesitation to follow standard protocol.

“You see these people?” Athena asks, waving a finger in the direction of Buck and Bobby. “They are his family. You want blood relation? His next of kin is a nine-year-old boy. Should I bring him in, let you explain to him that his dad is in a coma?”

Buck closes his eyes. He cant cry. He can’t cry. He can’t--

“Buck?”

He opens his eyes to find Bobby in front of him. His face is blurry behind a cloud of tears.

Dammit. So much for not crying.

“Come on,” Bobby says. It’s his Captain Nash voice; the one he usually reserves for field missions and when someone is in trouble. The one that left no room for argument. And Buck is certainly in no position to argue.

Bobby leads him out of the room-- for a moment he fears he’s being taken back to the waiting room, but he’s not sure he could stand the idea of having this breakdown in a room full of strangers. Thankfully, Bobby finds a line of chairs near the vacant nurse’s station and sits Buck down. He keeps a hand tight on Buck’s wrist, like if he let’s go Buck will run.

Run back into Eddie’s room.

Run through the front doors and far, far away from all of this.

“Buck, you gotta calm down.”

Nothing about this was calm. If there was one perfect time in his life to have a full blown meltdown, he’s pretty certain this is it.

“Eddie’s going to be okay, Buck.”

A sob catches in his throat and he bitterly chokes it down. “You don’t know that.”

“He’s a fighter,” Bobby says and the grip on his arm tightens just a bit. “Look, he’s been in trouble before--”

“Not like this,” Buck interjects.

“--and he always makes it through.”

“Bobby.” Buck sits up, turning to face the older man. The man he’d always looked up to, trusted, believed. Now, he sees the uncertainty in Bobby’s eyes. The fact that he’s not even sure he believes what he’s saying.

Still, there’s a sense of resolve when he says, “Athena will get all of the information from the doctors.” This, at least, they both know is true.

“And then?” Buck asks. The tears he had sworn to withhold are running free down his cheeks. He doesn’t even attempt to stop them, just wipes at them with the sleeve of his shirt. It still smells like fire and a fresh wave of grief and guilt floods him. “Bobby, what if--”

“No,” Bobby says. “Buck, do not go there, okay? Eddie is going to wake up.”

And what if he doesn’t?

Buck can’t form he words, but the mere thought of them has him sinking back into the chair. He wants nothing more than to rush back in to Eddie’s side, and yet something holds him in place. A terror beyond anything he’s ever felt-- the fear of what if.

What if Eddie doesn’t wake up?

What if he’s dying?

What if he’s already dead?

Athena approaches them with caution a few minutes later and Buck immediately stands, prepared for the worst, though she’s smart enough to start with, “Everything is fine.”

A thousand questions pop into Buck’s head and he reaches out, grasping for which one to ask first. He wants to know just how badly Eddie’s hurt, when they expect him to wake up… and yet, the first words out of his mouth are, “Can I see him again?”

Athena sighs, glancing at Bobby, then she nods.

Back in Eddie’s room, Buck forgoes a chair in favor of hovering near the head of the bed. The machines beep too loud in his ears, but he finds comfort in the sound. It means that Eddie is alive.

He reaches out for Eddie’s hand, pressing their palms together. He squeezes and is foolish enough to expect some sort of gesture in return.

“He was right behind me,” Buck says. His grip on Eddie’s hand tightens. “You asshole.” He swipes aggressively at the tears that assault his vision. “You were right behind me.”

A hand settles on his shoulder and Buck looks up to see Athena watching him. Her usually commanding demeanor is slipping, leaving him with a glimpse of the woman he so rarely sees when she’s in uniform; not a cop, but a friend. A concerned person with a heart that hurts, and whether it aches for him or for Eddie he’s unsure.

“What happened?” she asks.

Buck laughs. The sound is wet and sad. “It was a fire in an apartment,” he explains. “Everyone else had already cleared out, but we had to be thorough. We were checking the last room when we got the evac order. And he was right behind me. There was a beam-- I didn’t see it coming down until it was too late.”

“Buck,” Athena says in a motherly voice. “You know that what happened wasn’t your fault.”

He bites down too hard on his lip. “I could have saved him,” Buck argues. “I could have-- I don’t know. I could have pushed him out of the way, or warned him, or--”

“You did save him,” Bobby interrupts. “Buck, you carried him out of there. You got him to the ambulance. You saved his life.”

Buck looks down at Eddie. His chest rises and falls in time with the machine. It doesn’t feel like he saved anything.

“They’ll take him off the ventilator soon,” Athena informs them. She keeps her eyes trained on Buck. “Right now, the biggest concern is his head. They’re not sure yet the extent of the injury, but his brain was swollen and he wasn’t getting enough oxygen.”

“When will he wake up?”

“They’ve induced a coma to reduce the swelling.” Now she shrugs, a gesture both worrying for obvious reasons, and comforting because Buck knows that she’s being completely honest; she’s not handling him with kid gloves or trying to sugar coat the truth. It’s something he appreciates. “Right now, he just needs time.”

Time.

Buck wants to laugh, but he’s afraid he might just end up crying again.

“Buck, there’s something else.”

He looks up to find Bobby frowning.

“A few months ago, you and Eddie signed those papers that named you Christopher’s godfather.”

Buck nods, anticipating where this is going. He recalls, like a distant nightmare, when he had to tell Eddie that Christopher had been lost in the tsunami. And now he’s going to have to tell Christopher that his dad is in a coma. Still, he nods because he knows that, even without the legal aspect, it’s his responsibility. He wouldn't trust anyone else. “Yeah, I’ll tell Chris.”

“Well… it’s not just that,” Bobby explains. “Buck, Eddie isn’t in a position to take care of Christopher at the moment. That leaves you.”

“What?”

“You’re his godfather.”

“Yeah,” Buck remembers that conversation distinctly; how Eddie had come to his apartment after being buried alive, how he’d practically begged Buck to agree to care for his son if anything happened to him. But this isn’t what they had talked about. “No, that’s only if Eddie dies. And you just said--”

“He’s not dying, Buck,” says Bobby, while Athena says, “Not exactly.”

“What does that mean?” his gaze bounces between them like a pinball, waiting for either of them to elaborate. Eventually he lands on Athena. “What do you mean not exactly?”

“When you signed the papers, you agreed to take care of Chris if Eddie dies or is--” she pauses to cast a sad look at Eddie, “--incapacitated.”

Incapacitated. Like a coma.

“So you’re saying that, starting now, I’m Christopher’s legal guardian?”

When Eddie had asked him to be Christopher’s godfather, he said it was a precaution, just a way of knowing that Chris would be taken care of if anything happened.

It was supposed to be a safety net. A contingency plan. It was never supposed to be real.

And yet, staring down at Eddie, the emotions that swell in Buck’s chest are very real. The IVs, the ventilator, the bandage on his head, are all real and Buck isn’t sure how to comprehend that.

“I have to go,” Buck says suddenly. It takes all of his willpower to let go of Eddie’s hand, but he focuses on what he has to do now. With a glance at his watch, he realizes he’s been here longer than he thought. He’s already running late. “Carla’s probably wondering why Eddie’s not home by now, and I have to go to the station to change before I can go over. I need to call Isabel and Pepa, and--”

“Buck.”

Buck stops.

“Let me give you a ride,” Athena says gently.

But Buck is already shaking his head. “No. No, I have to do this. I can do this.” He very carefully doesn’t look at either of them. He pats down his pockets. “Bobby, I can’t find my keys.”

“They’re at the station,” Bobby tells him, “with your Jeep. You rode here in the ambulance.”

Right. Buck remembers that. He looks back at Eddie.

This can’t be real.

Because if it’s real, then there is a real chance that Eddie won’t wake up. There’s a real chance that Eddie will die here in this hospital bed.

“Bobby,” Buck says. His voice cracks, as does his resolve, and he finds himself trembling. “I can’t do this.”

“Not by yourself,” Athena agrees and wraps him in a hug-- he’s so much bigger than her, and yet in that moment he’s never felt smaller. He leans on her, letting her take some of the weight he’s feeling in his chest. Her hands make circles on his back, a soothing gesture that Maddie used to do when he was younger. It helps him breathe. “This is overwhelming and it’s too much for anyone to handle alone. But you’re not doing this alone.”

Over her shoulder, Buck can see Bobby already pulling the phone from his pocket. “I will call Carla to let her know what’s going on and see if she can stay with Christopher a little longer, then I will call Isabel and Pepa and tell them everything. You--” he points the phone in Buck’s direction, “need to shower and change. Athena will take you back to the station. You need to calm down and collect yourself before you see Christopher. If you’re a wreck, it’s going to scare him.”

As Athena leads him away, Buck looks back in time to see Bobby collapse into the chair next to Eddie’s bed. The phone is still in his hand, but he makes no move to call anyone. Instead, he starts to cry.

In that moment, that fleeting glimpse of Bobby when he thought Buck was out of sight, Buck thinks he understands; Bobby didn’t have it all together. He wasn’t calm or collected. He was pretending because that’s what Buck needed to see.

And now, as Christopher’s godfather, he knows what he needs to do. It doesn’t matter how terrified Buck is feeling, that he’s reeling with guilt and worry and anguish. He has to push all of those emotions down and be strong for Chris. Right now, that was the only thing that mattered.

#eddie's in a coma #but i promise he will live #angst with a happy ending #sad buck #godfather buck #i don't honestly know exactly where I'm going with this fic #but i'll figure it out as i go along #buddie #buck x eddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 #my fics #Right Now #and since i will be posting updates spontaneously #Just message me if you want to be tagged in updates #That would make me super happy!

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honestgrins · 5 years ago

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The Worst || Klaroline

Caroline's always looked forward to finding her soulmate, only to find him while dying on her birthday. He's just...the worst.

“Hello, Earth to Caroline!” A pretzel landed on her textbook, shaking her from her zoned-out stare. She found Bonnie watching her with concern. “Are you okay? You’ve been acting weird since your birthday. Brooding, almost.”

Bristling, Caroline couldn’t help the wave of alarm rolling down her spine at the mention of her disastrous ‘funeral’-turned-near death experience. “Um, I think I’m still processing the whole thing,” she shrugged. “Post-traumatic stress or something.”

With a cant of her head, Bonnie didn’t seem convinced. But she just reached across the table to squeeze her hand. “Tyler’s a dick for biting you and running away. Maybe he and Jeremy can go off on an adventure together,” she joked with a sad smile.

Caroline was grateful for the easy excuse and almost let herself play along. Holding back the truth wasn’t exactly helping, though, and she probably needed to talk to someone. A witch who could help her brainstorm magical solutions certainly seemed as good an option as any, especially when it was her best friend. “It’s not that. I’ve got this...problem, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“What kind of problem?”

The kind felt like lead in her stomach, she wanted to say, dread scratching at her nerves until she shoved a handful of pretzels into her mouth. Eating her feelings was a lot easier than facing the biggest disappointment of her human life, no matter how short it was or the fact that it was officially over. She forced herself to swallow, but couldn’t manage to meet Bonnie’s eyes. “I think I found my mate.”

Bonnie blinked at her, clearly not expecting that. Worse, she didn’t seem to know how to react. “You don’t look happy,” she finally said, which explained her hesitance. “You’ve been dreaming about your soulmate for forever, and you look...” She trailed off, pity thick in her voice.

“Scared,” she finished hoarsely. “I’m scared, Bonnie.”

Their hands grasped for each other over their forgotten textbooks, high school midterms suddenly less pertinent than whatever hell had just descended on Mystic Falls. “Tell me.”

Biting her lip, she was terrified of what saying it out loud might mean. Bonnie could hate her for it, Damon would probably kill her as soon as he heard. But pretending it wasn’t real, keeping this secret might kill her all the same. Eyes wide and pleading, she silently begged her friend to love her anyway.

As it turned out, she didn’t even need to say it because Bonnie could read the pain and fear in her face. There weren’t that many new people floating around town, and only one could inspire such a visceral horror.

Klaus.

She used to dream about her soulmate. All kids did, to a point, but it became something of a project for in elementary school. What they would look like, how their hugs must have felt, no detail was too silly for a young Caroline to consider as she methodically listed traits that made her perfect match. They’d listen to her - really listen - and care what she had to say. She’d love cooking them dinner and watch lovingly as they did all the dishes, like her parents did.

Her dad found his soulmate just after her twelfth birthday; the divorce happened not much later. While some figured she’d be put off the whole concept, it only reinforced her belief that love was best meant for the other half that existed somewhere in the universe. She may have learned to be slightly more flexible in the possibilities, but she wanted it more than ever. Finding a mate must be an incredible, undeniable experience. Her dad never would have left her behind for anything less than that, right?

Growing up was a lonely time, made more so by her mother’s promotion and the empty house that remained. She threw herself into school and clubs and every conceivable opportunity in Mystic Falls to keep herself busy, maybe around people who wanted her around. Bonnie and Elena would always be the nice girls, more popular and generally well-liked in a way her abrasive personality would never allow. But Caroline could be useful. She liked being useful.

That, however, often led to being used. Her soulmate could never use her, she thought. They wouldn’t want to, they just wouldn’t.

She’d read every self-help book about soulmates, scoured advice columns, and all but interviewed every mated couple she knew. Caroline wanted to know how they knew. What made a soulmate, and how could they be recognized? For most, it was the first brush of skin, a handshake or a hug. Others claimed there wasn’t one moment, and they couldn’t quite remember when they realized a friend was a soulmate - but it was absolute and they never looked back. Some knew on their first date, others after having sex for the first time. Bonnie’s Grams said she found hers just by meeting his eyes from across a crowded party; she kind of wanted to chalk it up to the Bennett magic, as romantic as the story was to little Caroline.

Whatever the set-up was, the punchline was always the same for human soulmates: a hole in their chest, one they never noticed or worried about, felt full and warm and right. And she’d felt that lying in Klaus’s arms, his blood staining her lips. She’d been scared, achy, and livid - she also felt right staring up at this beautiful monster, promising her a thousand more birthdays like they were a gift. Like he hadn’t just held her life in his hands and gambled with the outcome.

Her soulmate had tried to have her killed. That should have been the horrifying part of the story, her mate being a thousand-year-old wolf-vampire hybrid with the power to compel her, all while he made her friends’ lives a living hell. Despite the supposed bond they were meant to share, she had no doubt that he would use her for whatever he wished and toss her away just as easily. But there was more.

“Bonnie,” choked out, “I don’t think he recognized me as his soulmate.”

Klaus scrawled the note as an afterthought, having originally planned to drop the dress and his mother’s invitation on the doorstep with nary a word otherwise. But he had hesitated before ringing the doorbell. She’d looked tired as she arrived home, a little wary - far from the fighting spirit he’d met on her birthday. Plaguing his thoughts since, she would suit the dress well. He wanted her to know it was from him.

So he left his note and flashed away, content to let the matter settle in the back of his mind until the ball that night.

That was his plan, anyway. In truth, he spent an hour or two sketching details of her obstinance. Another hour wasted away with him focused on the curve of her mouth as she fought against sleep, something like awe in her expression. That face had haunted his own dreams, and he couldn’t understand why. Baby vampires were a dime a dozen, and he’d killed hundreds - thousands - just like her in his life. She wasn’t even the first one he’d saved with his new, uninhibited blood.

Yet, she lingered, and he didn’t quite know what to do with that. Caroline Forbes had intrigued him. With the new era of peace his mother supposedly wanted, perhaps he could while away the days seducing the sheriff’s daughter into her new life beyond mere mortality.

Klaus found he quite liked the idea.

She never meant to tell him. The ball had been a disaster, pretty dress or no, and she’d ended up tossing the diamond bracelet at his feet. For someone so adamant he couldn’t possibly have a soulmate, he’d worked pretty hard to appeal himself to little, old her.

And he’d seemed so wistful about being a product of his mother’s soulmate, how Mikael had hated that love and punished him for it all those years. She thought...maybe... But she wasn’t going to tell him. Naming herself as his mate would just sign away her freedom, if he didn’t kill her outright. The guy was nuts and always looking for his next power trip, and Caroline refused to just hand it over in the form of her stupid, fated heart.

Curiosity had always been her hallmark, though, and she asked one question too many.

He seemed sad, even when he was flirting with her. Heart pounding, she kept her arms tightly crossed to keep from reaching for him. It was a stupid impulse, yet it felt so natural to want to lace her fingers through his and give a comforting squeeze. But he was just so aggravating, and she wouldn't let herself feel sorry for him - and she told him exactly what she thought about siring hybrids for his own amusement.

"You're making assumptions," he said in a soft voice that belied the danger in his expression.

"And you're lonely," she accused right back. "So you compel yourself minions and cart your family around in boxes, or you try to buy people off." She unlatched the bracelet like it had burned her wrist and let it drop between them. "Life doesn't work like that, Klaus."

A smirk clawed up his cheeks as he looked at her like prey. "Life works however I wish it, sweetheart. You're young, likely still hoping to fulfill all those human dreams you've yet to let go. College, a career, maybe even a happy marriage with a soulmate meant just for you."

Warning bells sounded in her head, but she forced herself to seem unaffected. "Why not? Being a vampire doesn't have to change that."

"Best of luck, sweetheart." His tone dripped with disdain, anger bright in his eyes. "If you don't find them in this lifetime, you'll be spending those birthdays I promised alone."

"Are you sure about that?"

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Caroline wasn't thinking, it just fell out of her mouth, bitter and pained. She could feel him watching her closely, and she needed to leave before she did something worse. "Never mind," she scoffed, rolling her eyes. " You don't connect with people because you don't even try to understand them." Though she dearly wanted to sprint all the way home, she kept her pace steady and tried to find peace in the haughty clack of her heels.

But she wouldn't find peace, not with Damon and the rest throwing her to the hybrid as the little, blonde distraction. Once more, she found herself surprised with the effort he put forth. Not surprising at all was how charmed she felt by his attention, and she hated herself for that. He'd been so earnest, though, daring her to get to know him and looking up at her with those big, hope-filled eyes. Whatever game he was playing, he had all the right moves to keep pulling her in when she should have known better. Her ignored instincts were proven right when his whole persona turned on a dime, gripping her by the arms and staring her down with pure rage.

He was the soulmate of her nightmares, and she felt doomed to love him anyway.

Burning the half of his sketchbook he'd already filled with her likeness felt like an empty gesture, but a necessary outlet for the chaos of emotions she seemed to inspire in him. He ran after her, pulled beyond comprehension to follow her confident stride - passing cars and better judgment be damned. The thrill of victory as Caroline sat with him was familiar and yet new, and he was wary of what it all meant.

His fears, as always, were well-founded considering the attempt on his siblings' lives, and he'd thought to kill her for her part in the scheme. It should have been a simple task, and she would have had no chance at deflecting his attack. She floundered when asked, looking around for someone to save her yet resigned that no one would.

Klaus didn't like that, and he didn't know why. He'd physically recoiled at the terror on her face, instead distracting himself with pursuing the more immediate threat. With the Salvatores momentarily put off, however, Caroline appeared to be a more sinister presence in his life than he anticipated.

If only that didn't make her so damn intriguing, then he could finally be rid of her. A part of him wondered recklessly whether there was more to the young vampire than the sudden infatuation of a hybrid set free of both curse and father. Then he'd quickly discard that line of thinking; it simply wasn't possible.

They were going to kill him.

Bonnie was the one to tell her about the storage locker, warning her not to do anything rash. With Damon and Alaric gunning for him, though, she only had so much time to debate the pros and cons of letting Klaus die. She was in her car before Bonnie had even hung up, half-formed plans running through her mind as she drove.

Parking behind a large truck in case Damon was still lurking about, Caroline didn't let herself hesitate to find the coffin he had hid her soulmate in, the dramatic ass. Luckily, the building was deserted as far as she could tell, and she flashed to the unit where Klaus was supposedly stowed. Her heart clenched at finding him in chains, only to jolt in surprise at finding his eyes open and watching her. "Hi."

He just blinked, and she could just see the gears turning in his head. "You're...the worst," she sighed, looking down to break the lock. "You are a power-hungry control freak who takes his daddy issues out on everyone who dares to make their own choices," she continued, moving onto the loosened chains. "Compulsion, sire bonds, straight up murder, none of that is good. I'm scared there's no line you won't cross, and I'm scared that it still won't be enough for me to leave."

It looked like a gargantuan effort for his desiccated forehead to crumple in the shadow of a frown. Gritting her teeth, she blew out a long breath. "But I'm more scared to lose my soulmate before he even knows." Caroline bit into her wrist and shoved it against his mouth, daring him to fight her claim when he tasted her blood for the first time.

Eyes wide and alarmed, Klaus dutifully drank until his skin gained back some color and his veins began to recede. When she made to pull away, his hand suddenly circled around her arm and held her still. He retracted his fangs from her skin, but left his tongue to tease the slowly healing cuts and clean any remaining blood.

Shakily, she stepped back and he let her go, though he quickly stood to follow her. "Caroline," he said, voice low with awe.

"Not now." She shook her head, flashing out to the car, confident he wouldn't be far behind. "We have to get going before anyone notices you're gone. We're gone," she corrected.

Klaus slid into the passenger seat, seemingly unable to look away from her with a small grin on his face. "Rome, Paris, or Tokyo, sweetheart?"

Rolling her eyes, she put the car in gear and sped away from the storage center. "Wherever we go will just be ruined if you come back and kill my friends," she pointed out. "I know you weren't really looking for a mate, but I won't be controlled, Klaus. And I won't let you hurt the people I love."

"And you won't let people hurt me." Her mouth fell slack at the implication, and she slid her gaze to find him watching her intently. "Intriguing," he said, almost to himself. "You are certainly more than meets the eye, Caroline Forbes."

"Yeah, well." She gave a helpless grin, completely unsure of anything other than the fact her life would never be the same. "Good luck with that."

#kcauweek2019 #day 4: mates #klaroline #klaroline drabbles #SORRY I'M SO LATE #but this was like pulling teeth and i had too much of it done not to finish #i hope it makes sense #i am also barely sleeping so it might just be gibberish #anyway #fic: the worst #almost everything

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iblamemikegreen · 4 years ago

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nobody talks about the destruction that being sexually abused as a child actually causes

ramblings by a survivor fighting to survive: pt 7

narcissism (noun) - selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

my mother was beautiful. it’s true. a real bonafide beauty queen. armed with poise, grace, talent, natural beauty, carefully practiced soft spoken words, and a constant polite smile.

so shiny and perfect and wonderful. on the outside.

on the inside, however, she was one of the ugliest people to have ever stepped foot on this earth. she was mean, vindictive, manipulative, vain, narcissistic, cruel, selfish. ugly.

another doll in the dollhouse. fooling everyone she came in contact with, having them all think that she was so demure and innocent.

when I was 11 and finally came forward about being repeatedly sexually abused for 6 years by my own grandfather (my mother’s father), my mother decided to sacrifice my safety and well being in order to protect her “Christian reputation.”

“this is embarrassing” “what will the rest of the church think of us?” “Lindsey don't say anything to anyone about this, it’s shameful and gross” “I cant believe this is happening to me”

she never told me that it wasn't my fault. because she blamed me for ruining her perfect world. her perfect family. her perfect image.

instead of blaming my abuser, she blamed me, the terrified and lonely 11 year old victim.

she made the abuse that I had to endure, about herself. her permanent victim mentality bled through into everything, even her own daughter’s sexual abuse. she decided to stick her head in the ground like a coward and pretend like the abuse didn't happen, and if I ever tried to bring it up or exhibited a behavior attributed to PTSD she would cry and make it all about herself. because everything was always about her. always.

more often than not, I find myself wishing that I had a mother that loved me. but she never did, and she never will. so I've decided to lay it all out in the open here and write a public letter to her in order to obtain the closure I need to move on with my life:

Dear Stephanie,

I would like to start off by saying that you lost the right to refer to yourself as my “mother” the second you decided to protect the man who destroyed my childhood instead of protecting me. because of you, the monster that ripped away any sense of safety, happiness, comfort, trust, and humanity from me didn't go to jail. he wasn't even registered as a sex offender. a cretin that sexually abused his own granddaughter from when she was the ages of 5-11 wasn't even registered as a sex offender because YOU and your wretched family cried to the judge and prosecutor because you wanted to protect your false pious reputation. what you did was beyond the realm of evil, and I hope you feel shame for it for the rest of your empty pathetic existence.

when I was 13 I overheard you while you were talking to your morally bankrupt mother on the phone. you were complaining about how I “wasn’t getting any better.” and how “it was embarrassing that I couldn't just let the past go.” well, while you tried to pretend like the abuse just never happened, I couldn't. you don't know what it’s like to have someone hold complete power over you. you don't know what it’s like to live in desolation as a child, fearful of being trapped in a room alone with your grandfather because you know he takes pleasure in hurting and destroying everything that you are. you don't know what it’s like to have your innocence and childhood completely ripped from your tiny fingertips before you even know how to spell your own fucking name. you never even bothered to try and understand the pain and suffering I had to endure. you didn't care about anything other than yourself, and your public image.

you never apologized. and you never will, because you’re too far gone to even being to understand the calamity of your shitty parenting, and your heinous decisions. you created your own false reality, and separated yourself from the true world because all you wanted was attention. me being the victim of sexual abuse was just too much of the “spotlight” not being directed to you, so you decided to make yourself the victim in all of this. any mention of what I had to endure and you’d cry, asking why this happened to you. your reputation, your family, you you you you you you you.

a few years after the “scandal,” as you so gracefully put it, happened, you and I were shopping at the mall. all of a sudden you pulled me aside into a store, giggling as you did so. when I asked what was going on, you pointed across the hall and there he was. the monster that tortured and molested me for six years, walking with his enabler of a wife, hand and hand, shopping at the same mall as us. you were treating it as if it were some kind of innocent game of hide and seek. acting as though me having to see the embodiment of detrimental and ground wavering fear and pain was no big deal. you got angry at me when I started crying, because I was ruining your shopping trip.

you’re impossible to reach, because you don't even exist anymore. you just don't get it. you’re not even human. you’re just a phantom, remnants of some washed up beauty queen who was so narcissistic and vain that she couldn't stand her own daughter surviving life destroying trauma at age 11 because it drew attention from you.

you were my biggest bully throughout the entirety of my life. no matter what I did, it was never good enough for you. or maybe it was, and you just thought it was fun to build me up one step, then cut me down five steps. I was always too ugly, too fat, too smart, too stupid, too untalented, too poorly dressed, too bad at makeup, too this, too that, not enough this, not enough that. it was exhausting, talking to you. being around your suffocatingly negative and jealous aura. you were so insecure about yourself and your fading beauty queen looks that you took it all out on your only child, like a miserable old hag. and yet you wondered why I never wanted to cultivate a relationship with you.

I still vividly remember the moment I realized that you never loved me. it was June 2010, I was 15, and you and my dad were in the midst of a stressful divorce. it was stressful because you refused to leave the house, even though you weren't welcome, because you just loved to make everyone around you completely miserable; but I digress. we were sitting in your car in front of the house, and I told you that when the divorce was finalized I wanted to live with my dad full time, and for him to have full custody of me. it was then that you turned, looked directly at me, and said, “Lindsey that’s not fair. I don't want to have to pay child support.” you truly a miserable monster, just like your mother, and just like your father.

there aren't enough words in this galaxy to explain how much you completely and utterly failed me in every aspect of being a mother. and honestly, I just don't have the time to waste on you anymore. I'm writing this to fully stop all of these thoughts, all these words left unsaid, from continuing to circle around in my brain. you aren't worth the stress, you really aren't. I cant even remember the last time I spoke to you, or saw you, because I cut off all contact years ago. maybe once upon a time I needed you as my mother, but when I realized that you were never one to begin with, that need faded. I grew strong on my own. I am who I am because I made me, and I did a hell of a good job. you don't get to take any credit in my successes, in my life, in my survival, because you are nothing to me. congratulations, Stephanie. you finally get what you’ve always wanted, the unwavering heat of the spotlight, because I'm exiting your stage for good.

I don't forgive you, I'm not sure I ever will. because you don't deserve it. saying, “I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to upset you,” is NOT an apology. it’s not even a small step in taking actual accountability. but I don't expect much from someone as selfish and fake as you.

before you try to pretend to cry and say that I'm being mean to you, just know this, you aren't a victim. I'm not your true adversary here. you are your own worst enemy. these are just the consequences to your own narcissistic and evil actions, and you have to live with them forever in your empty, loveless, fake life.

you’ve always preached about how much of a “good christian” you are, and threw me away in order to protect that precious reputation of yours, so I'll end with this: I hope you’re somewhere praying.

Sincerely,

The Daughter Who No Longer Thinks Of You

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foolgobi65 · 5 years ago

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meta re: figuring out how old bhadra is, and also when exactly bhalla got married and spawned a child lmao. (also some about the poor woman who had to be his wife.) under cut for length lol

hmm so i just saw a meta which puts bhadra as just a few months younger than mahendra which is interesting, and i can see that being possible given the two actors, but where i disagree is the part of this theory that implies bhalla is married when baahu and devasena are still together. i think if bhalla were to get married, baahu and devasena would have to be invited, just in terms of propriety. i think bhalla would actually enjoy the huge state ceremony that would serve to show how small devasena and baahu were now in contrast. i also think that at this point in the story, while baahu is still alive and married to devasena, bhalla has no interest in his own marriage -- he’s definitely not married (at least imo) at the time of their exile, and even if he wanted a child to compete for the throne at that point baahu’s kid would still be a good 6 months older regardless. i think bhadra must definitely be a few years younger than mahendra (who i believe is around 24ish years old.) bhalla’s obsession with devasena reads to me as about possession rather than a singleminded love or want to make her his real wife. the fact that we don’t see bhalla’s wife at all later makes me think that she’s either dead, or he never married and bhadra is bhalla’s child with a woman bhalla never married. i can see bhalla being obsessed with devasena his entire life, particularly as a transference of both his prior obsession with sivagami as the mother and queen ruler figure who in is mind loved baahu more, and also his obsession with baahu who was just better than bhalla at the things that bhalla wanted (primarily the easy adoration of the people and sivagami.) devasena, both as legal queen mother and clearly sivagami’s annointed heir at her last moments, and as baahu’s love, becomes the object of bhalla’s lifelong hatred and to me he tortures her daily as both substitute for sivagami and baahu who are dead and beyond his reach, and also for her own sake because let’s not underestimate devasena’s ability to piss off bhalla. i think on a surface level when he saw her picture he did feel lust, and so i think there is a very gross and terrible sexual aspect to his need to keep her in chains and under his grip. bhadra clearly states some very disgusting sexually tinged insults at devasena (calling her a whore multiple times) which is obviously a learned behavior from i assume bhalla and maybe biju. all this to say that for me, the main woman in bhalla’s life until his death is devasena. his last words are even to devasena, rather than mahendra who is the clear baahu replacement, and he tells her to join him on the pyre which is reminiscent of what this society demands of good warrior wives.

if bhalla was married, it was a grand alliance where she was probably fabulously wealthy and beautiful and the marriage was conducted with lots of pomp and circumstance in order to distract people from the fact that baahu and sivagami were dead alongside mahendra, and devasena was in chains in the city center. biju found the bride, sent the single most annoying proposal on earth, which implied invasion if she wasnt promptly sent having tied the mangalsutra to bhalla’s sword. definitely wealthy, may or may not have military importance. definitely a beautiful woman, a quiet woman with no personality who was promptly destroyed by having to live under a cruel sadistic man who was obsessed with his dead brother’s caged wife. if bhadra didnt seem so old that he could probably be only max a few years younger than mahendra i would say that bhalla’s wife probably takes a few years to concieve: bhalla would probably be the type of terrible man to treat a woman so badly she would miscarry. but bhadra is pretty close to mahendra’s age, so bhalla’s wife must have conceived pretty quickly. as he desperately needed an heir at the time bhalla, once she is pregnant, ignored her almost entirely except for once a week when he had her carried in a palanquin to see devasena so that he could gloat about his impending fatherhood. the poor woman would by this point be of a sickly sort, even if she had been healthy at the time of her marriage, have a difficult pregnancy exacerbated by her sheer terror at the thought of having anything less than an exceedingly strong male heir. ( i cant imagine biju or bhalla would be anything less than extremely direct about the consequences if the child was born with a disability, or god forbid was a girl.) her entire pregnancy would be one folk remedy after another guaranteed to produce a strong, healthy prince, all eight months after the pregnancy announced to the public an empire wide endeavour to ensure the safe arrival of the prince to be. thousands of ceremonies across the kingdoms would be funded, each sending her the fruits of their sacrifice for her to eat. everything about her day would be micromanaged from the time she woke, to the clothes she wore and the direction she faced when she slept. devasena, who spent the last three months of her own pregnancy exiled in a mining community and yet delivered a strong child, looks at the queen who somehow seems to be weakening every visit and wonders at the great gods’ irony.

one of my headcanons about the weird family strength is that these babies take a toll on their gestating mothers, and so only a particular type of woman is capable of surviving the pregnancy and birth -- sivagami and devasena are both of this type, and so they find their pregnancies relatively easy, and their births are normal and safe. you can either take this to be something physical or mental, or if you’re more into magical explanations for magical strength, its a (terrifying and horrible) way of the family line basically validating the queen: if she survives, she’s deserving of being queen mother. baahu’s mother and bhadra’s mother aren’t sivagami and devasena, though they’re probably wonderful women in their own right. the pregnancies sap them of their strength and nutrients (kind of like a leech), and when they give birth it is a long, drawn out process in which the babies had they not had the family strength would have died. the mothers both bleed out. the kingdom barely mourns the queen it barely had a chance to know -- if she becomes pregnant so quickly after marriage, bhalla would never have risked her out in public. instead, there is a massive celebration to anoint the heir to the empire, and bhalla invests heavily in propagating a narrative that has bhadra solely his son: his wife the queen is erased from the stories entirely, it is almost as if bhadra sprung straight from bhalla’s skull, the perfect son.

the queen’s death doesn’t break the alliance of her marriage, but it does downgrade them from slightly favored allies to just one with the rest -- there is a rumor that does not die no matter how hard they try that she died of a broken heart, that she grew so sickly in the heart of the empire despite the best of all medicine because she did not want to get better, or try to mother the son of her demon husband. (they are half right: the queen, delirious in her last moments, does not regret leaving her husband who happens to be the worst man she has ever met, nor does she regret leaving her disgusting father in law. she regrets somewhat having to leave devasena, whom the queen had nursed a slight hope of helping somewhat in the future when her place as the heir’s mother gave her a little more leverage. most of all, she regrets that she leaves her son, whom in her heart of hearts she had viciously wished to be a daughter, to the cruel mercies of his father. she was never going to be a strong woman in this palace, but even something might have been better than nothing, she thinks. just a little kindness, she hopes for someone to teach him, a little mercy. and then, thinking again of her burning hatred for her husband, whom she damns to all the hells that exist, the only true empress mahishmati has in 50 years dies. her first marriage anniversary will be in one month.)

the other option for bhadra’s mother imo is that she’s a favoured courtesan of bhalla. for this i think its definitely possible that their relationship can be established even before mahendra’s birth -- there’s no reason they aren’t together even prior to the kalakeyan war. this might be a way to make it easier for bhadra to be closer in age to mahendra, where bhalla, despite being consumed with his obsession for devasena continues to visit and the courtesan becomes pregnant (whether she plans this after reading the room and realizing bhalla has ruled for 3 years and has no heir is up to you.) there is obviously no pomp and circumstance here for the duration of the pregnancy, almost no one is aware of the child’s paternity. many kings have many natural born children, and bhalla initially believes that this child will be like any other though unique in a sense for himself because it will be his first child at all. then, he thinks, realizing that he isnt really inclined to marry but requires an heir. within this option there is the possibility for a queen who simply cannot give bhalla a child (maybe she miscarries, whether because of bhalla’s behavior or on purpose because she doesn’t want to have his child) or just ... bhalla doesnt want to get married because he’s obsessed with devasena. the courtesan is sent a message, and under the utmost secrecy is moved to a chamber in the inner palace where her every want is cared for in the hopes of her delivering a strong, male child. she is treated as a queen for the eight months and when she gives birth she probably survives. she is definitely not allowed to raise the child -- bhalla announces that bhadra is his heir, his natural born son, and does not announce the mother. bhadra is raised entirely as bhalla’s son, never allowed to question his mother’s identity or to meet her. either she remains within bhalla’s palace, as a continued object of his favor or is allowed to leave mahishmati after a vow of silence regarding bhardra’s parentage.

anyways, i’m putting bhadra at 20/21 to mahendra’s 24, and if bhalla gets married he probably thinks about it a year after baahu’s death, gets married a year after that, the queen dies within a year of the marriage (all a space of 3ish years.) option 2, it’s been 3 years and bhalla keeps pushing off thoughts of marriage and then opportunity falls into his lap. in general this is in line with my belief that bhalla at a base level does not care about any woman except for devasena, particularly after he has her in chains. before this, his sole object was the throne, and if he married at that point it would be a political alliance to make him a more favorable candidate for the crown for sure. needing to get married doesn’t occur to him (and to be fair doesnt seem to occur to baahu until he falls in love.) as king he’d only consider marriage in terms of getting an heir, and he wouldn’t care about the woman he married at all -- he’d treat her horribly, probably venting all the anger and frustration he cant with devasena because she lives in the cage which in a sense protects her from the worst physical/sexual abuse. the only respite his wife, another woman entirely under his control, would have is probably becoming pregnant. a favored courtesan, particularly one who had a relationship pre the whole devasena obsession, would have a different dynamic with him, especially since she’s technically “his’ but also not entirely in the way a wife would be. less abuse imo for sure, and the significantly less scrutiny and pinned hopes on her pregnancy results in her general good treatment rather than the exhausting micromanaging characteristic of a wife/queen.

both of these options basically result in bhalla and biju having total control on the raising of bhadra to be the Worst, and for bhadra’s identity to basically be “bhalla’s son” more than even regular princes who define themselves as their father’s sons. the woman is erased entirely from the narrative, and exists entirely to give bhalla an heir and then conveniently disappear, as distasteful as that is.

as usual, any other ideas/opinions/complete negations are welcome!! please comment or reply i’m really interested to see what you all think!!!

@teammahishmati @teambaahubali

#baahubali

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lilulo-12fanfiction · 6 years ago

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Nothing Breaks Like A Heart: Chapter 2 part 1

So I had to split this into 2 chapters because it’s really long. I’m not big on regurgitating content but it was a good way to set the story up further. Going forward there will be more original content with some cannon thrown in. P.S. IDGAF about Cannon if it doesn’t work well for my story.

I’d love it if you reblogged, gave feedback, etc.

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@shreddedparchment @fanfictionjunkie1112

Nora smiled to herself as she approached Bruce Banner, Natasha and Steve. She was ecstatic to meet Bruce Banner. She hadn’t seen Natasha in a while and well Steve was another story altogether.

“Is that the only word on me?” Bruce questioned Steve looking incredibly apprehensive.

“Only word I care about.” Such a Steve Rogers thing to say. She watches as Banner seemed to relax, if only slightly.

“Well he won’t be doing it alone.” Nora beamed at the 3 of them. “Besides myself I’m quite positive that my Uncle will show his face after getting through Coulson’s information bomb he gave us last night. No way is he missing out on this.”

“Nora Stark.” The red headed assassin smiled back at Nora.

“Good to see you Rusty. It’s been too long.”

“Well Tony isn’t my biggest fan. So I’ve steered clear.” Natasha shrugged.

“Well stop it. No one cares what he thinks.” Natasha shook her head at Nora. The attitude was 110% Tony Stark.

“Hello Nora.” Steve finally spoke after observing her.

“Hello Captain. Good to see you again.” She watched as the heat rose to his face and turned to Bruce Banner before she reacted and stuck her hand out.

“Well apparently my friends here forgot their manners. Dr. Banner, I’m Nora Stark. I’m a huge fan of your work. I’m really looking forward to working with you.” Bruce tentatively shook her hand.

“You’re not scared to be around me?” Bruce looked at her small stature and assumed she’d be terrified. She shrugged.

“Why would I be?” She smiled. Her kind eyes put him at ease. She linked her arms through Bruce’s. “C’mon Dr. Banner. Let’s go do what we nerds do so the super heroes can get to work” Nora gave Steve a wink only he could see and led them towards the Helicarrier.

“Okay Bruce, apparently Loki is in Germany. I highly doubt the Tesseract is with him.” Nora sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I agree.” Bruce didn’t look up from the computer screen.

“I’m going to head out to Fury. I need to see this. Let me know when you need me.” Bruce nodded again and Nora headed out of the lab and down to the main section of the Helicarrier.

As she made her way out to the main deck, she could hear AC/DC over the comms and then her Uncle’s voice. “Agent Romanoff, you miss me?”

“I see I made it just in time for the show.” She crossed over to where Fury was standing and he Gave her a smirk.

“Make a move Reindeer Games” Nora watched as Natasha landed the Quinjet to capture Loki.

“He doesn’t have the tesseract with him. And we haven’t located it yet. But the staff he carries, the one that turned one of your best parents into a puppet. I’m thinking that might help us.”

“I agree, Nora. Go let Dr. Banner know what’s going on and both of you join us back here once they’re back on this ship.” Nora nodded at the order and headed to retrieve Dr. Banner. She turned her comm on so she could listen in to their ride with Loki and was privy to the fight between the three men.

A little while after Loki was on the ship, Nora made her way back down to the main deck to discuss Loki. Dr. Banner would be joining them shortly. As she approached she heard her Uncle refer to someone as “Point Break”. She rolled her eyes and made herself known.

“Oh good. You’re all done playing swords. Did you find out who’s the biggest or did you just waste our time?”

“See that’s what makes you my favorite Stark. You’re infinitely more funny than Tony.” Natasha and Nora smiled at each other.

“What? No! Absolutely not! You’re not helping on this mission!” Tony wasn’t exactly surprised to see Nora but he wasn’t going to allow her to jump into the line of danger.

“You say that like you still have a say in the choices I make” Nora scoffed at her Uncle. “You need me. If you didn’t Pepper wouldn’t have asked me to come and Fury wouldn’t have agreed to it.”

“Nora I know you’re brilliant but we can do this without you.” Tony shot back. Steve watched on with interest.

“No you can’t. You need my memory and my professional abilities.” Nora was just as stubborn as her Uncle. This wasn’t going to end quickly.

“Your memory? What does that mean.” Nora looked over to the heavy accented voice that was sitting at the table.

“You must be Thor" He nodded. I have a photographic memory. I remember every detail of everything.”

“That sounds very useful and overwhelming.” His understanding and empathy took Nora by surprise. It was overwhelming and incredibly useful. There were some things she wished she could forget, yet instead they plagued her dreams. “And what are these professional abilities?” Thor was intrigued by this tiny human.

“I have some pretty stellar computer skills.” Before Thor could question Nora further Tony was interrupting.

“Uh hello??? I have some pretty decent computer skills myself.” Nora rolled her eyes at the exact same time Tony did and the resemblance between her and Tony couldn’t be ignored. It made Thor smile.

“Obviously you know your way around a computer. But you know full well that you can’t hack like I can.”

“She’s right Tony.” Fury finally spoke. “She hacked the Pentagon on a dare in High School.”

“You what?!” Steve was shocked and Nora stood there with a proud smile on her face. He wouldn’t have thought she would do something like that.

“Sorry Captain. Sometimes you just have to bend the rules. Especially when your sexist classmate thinks he’s superior because he has a teeny tiny appendage between his legs” Thor audibly laughed.

“Yeah that was pretty impressive. I’m still pretty proud you did that.” Tony finally conceded. “Fine. I’m not going to argue with you anymore but if you’re going to be on this mission you need something a little more protective than whatever this is that you’re wearing.” He pointed up and down her body. She was clad in a leather pencil skirt, a denim button down shirt and sky high leopard print heels. Her normally long curly hair was straightened and in a high ponytail with braids on the top of her head.

“Well I asked you to make me a suit.” Nora shot back. Thor watched on enjoying the verbal ping pong match. He liked the fire in Nora Stark.

“So you can put yourself in more danger? Yeah, not likely.” Nick Fury stood up to put an end to the bickering.

“Nora- I had some special Kevlar made for you. There’s a locker with your name on it. You can change when you're ready.”

“Thanks Uncle Nick.” Nora gave Tony a dirty look and went and sat down next to Thor. She was drawn to him for some reason. She couldn't explain it. "So tell me about Asgard and this brother of yours" Steve watched as Thor and Nora seemed to be in a bubble. He had her undivided attention. She laughed at the things he said that weren’t meant to be funny but were because of Thor’s lack of Earth knowledge. She would place her hand on his arm as they spoke. Neither of them seemed to pay much attention to the people around them. He had to force himself to pay attention to what Fury was saying. He was surprised at how jealous he felt. He barely knew her. And he didn’t ever expect to find anyone that stirred feelings in him. Not the way Peggy did. It wasn’t the same, Peggy was Peggy. But Nora somehow set off a spark inside him. The first real connection he made before coming out of the ice.

Nora sighed and sat down on the bench in the locker room. She wanted her own “Iron Man” suit. Tony refused. Nora had contemplated just hacking into his system for the plans, but she couldn’t break her Uncle’s trust like that. She didn’t want him doing this alone. Maybe now that Steve was out of the ice he wouldn’t have to. She was always afraid that when he left in that Iron Man suit he wouldn’t come back. She knew Pepper had the same fears. Nora and Tony both had lost so much. They had been betrayed by people they had loved too. He wasn’t her father. No one could ever take Grant Starks place in her heart, but the relationship she and Tony had was something beyond parent and child. They were connected by loss and pain. They were connected by their similarities. They had the same snark, the same attitude and the Stark swagger. The swagger that sometimes acted as a protective bubble. Tony was Nora’s protector. Even when he was missing he was still protecting her. He had always had a plan in place with Rhodey and Pepper to keep her safe and loved if something happened and he couldn’t. All Nora wanted to do was protect him as well.

She stood and opened up the locker with her name and smiled at what Nick had left her. It was an all black Kevlar suit that looked like leather. It had straps across her hips and boots that went over her knees. There were a number of holsters to hold weapons or technological items. She wasn’t sure where Nick had found it, but it was perfect. It held her body like a glove. She was curvy but strong. She has never been skinny. Her body wasn’t built to be that small. She had accepted her flaws a long time ago and learned how to use them to her advantage.

She headed out of the locker room with plans to head back to the lab. Her eyes caught the door that she knew Loki was behind and she just couldn’t help herself. Her credentials allowed her to enter the room. There he stood. The God of Mischief in a round glass cage.

“Hello Loki.” He snapped his head up and studied her.

“The Dróttning av Gimsteinn” Loki’s voice was almost breathless. He hadn’t been expecting to see her and the words had poured from his mouth before he could stop them.

“What did you just say?” Nora stopped in her tracks and stared him down. Loki’s eyes bore into Nora’s and he didn’t respond. “What does that mean?”

“You’ll find out soon enough I suppose” Loki acted as uninterested in her as he possibly could. I’m reality he was buzzing on the inside. He thought it would be more difficult to get eyes on her. Nora narrowed her eyes at him. She took a step towards him and stopped.

“I’m not going to let you goad me into a reaction. When you get bored of this and want to tell me where the tesseract is, let me know. If I find it before you tell me, I can’t help you.” Before Loki could respond, she was gone. Loki smiled to himself. She was feisty. She liked to spar. This was going to be more fun than he originally thought.

Nora was wracking her brain trying to figure out what Loki called her as she was heading back. She didn’t even know what language it was. She was about to pull her phone out and try to search for what she thought he had said when she stumbled upon Steve trying to pry a set of doors open. Captain America breaking and entering? This was surprising. She crossed her arms in front of her body and leaned against the wall.

“Need some help Captain?” She smiled with a suggestive voice as Steve jumped. He turned and faced Nora sheepishly with red cheeks. He had on hand on the back of his neck and looked impossibly adorable.

“I was…I uh…” He was embarrassed for getting caught but what really had him stuttering was Nora. No one should look that good in Kevlar. He silently chastised himself for behaving like a 13 year old. Nora shook her head and without a word pushed herself off of the wall and approached the door Steve was trying to bust open. She pressed her palm to the lock pad. It read her palm print and prompted for the 2nd security key. “Stark, Nora Margaret”. Steve froze. Was Peggy apart of her life? It couldn’t be a coincidence that she was related to Howard Stark and her middle name was Peggy. Howard and Peggy has founded Sheild together. He wondered if Peggy had any sort of relationship with Nora’s father. He wanted to ask her about it, but it wasn’t the right time. Nora motioned him inside.

“After you.” Nora followed him into the room and the door shut behind him. “Mind telling me what we’re doing in here? What are you looking for?”

“I’m honestly not sure. Your Uncle is trying to get all of Sheild’s files as we speak. He seems to think Fury is hiding something.”

“Oh what a jack ass. He’s trying to hack in on his own instead of asking me. He’s trying to prove he doesn’t need me. I could have had those files in 5 minutes, 10 tops. Plus I have access to a lot of shit around here. Sheild is my family birth right. My father would have taken Howard’s place.”

“Wait- so you agree with Tony? You think he’s hiding something?”

“Don’t be so naive Captain. Of course he’s hiding something. He’s a super spy. His secrets have secrets!” Steve laughed. “What’s funny?”

“Your Uncle literally said the same thing. Word for word.” Nora’s eyes shone with pride. “Are you going to help me look?”

She threw her arms up in a shrug. “Kind of hard to help when I have zero clue what to look for. And how do you know I’m not in on it?”

“Call it a gut instinct.” Nora liked to banter and Steve was feeling brave. He was still feeling a little green after seeing her with Thor. Now was his chance to see if she was as just flirty or interested in him. He was a God. A good looking one at that. And while he felt like an idiot worrying about it when they had more important things to focus on, he had to know. “So you’re done flirting with Thor? You two seemed to hit it off right away.” He looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

“I wasn’t flirting! Why? Are you jealous?” Nora sauntered over to where Steve was leaning over a crate. She put her hand on his shoulder and leaned over so she could whisper in his ear. “Believe me Captain, if I’m flirting, you’ll know it.”

Nora’s breath was hot on his neck and it sent a chill down his spine. He was about to respond but his attention was pulled to the container in front of him. Steve opened a container. “I think I found what we’re looking for.” Steve watched as Nora pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Dammit.” The disappointment was radiating from her voice. “Sometimes, it’s really hard to separate the spy, the head of Shield, from the man that helped me become who I am today. The person my father revered. I just can’t.”

“I’m sorry Nora.” Steve put his hand on her shoulder.

“Why are you apologizing? You didn’t do this Steve.”

“No, but I know that feeling. And I’m sorry that you’re feeling it now.” Nora gave Steve a small smile.

“Thank you. God this is all so messed up. Let’s go to the lab. I’d like to talk to Nick and I need to ask Thor some questions about his brother.” Steve picked up the container and the two of them headed back to her Uncle and Dr. Banner.

Nora could heat heated voices as she and Steve approached the lab. So heated that they didn’t even notice the two of them enter in the middle of Bruce’s sentence.

“…When we get a hit, we’ll have the location within half a mile.” Nora could tell he was trying to control his temper. Tony picked up where Bruce left off. The two of them were a team already.

“And you’ll get your cube back, no muss, no fuss. What is Phase Two?” Tony wanted answers. Nora knew that look in his eye.

Nora jumped as Steve slammed the case down on the counter. “ Phase Two is SHIELD used the Cube to make weapons.” Steve answered for Fury and then directed himself towards Tony. “Sorry, computer was moving a little slow for me.”

Nora gave Tony a dirty look. “I literally could have gotten it within 10 minutes tops. Stop trying to prove that you don’t need me.”

“Rogers, we gathered everything related to the Tesseract. This does not mean that we’re-“ Before Fury could finish Tony flipped the screen to reveal a plan for a missile. Nora pit her face in her hands. This was only going to get worse.

“I’m sorry, Nick. What were you lying?” Nora clenched her jaw. She didn’t know what to say to calm the waters because she was just as angry as the rest of them. She pulled herself from her thoughts as Natasha and Thor came into the lab.

“You wanna think about removing yourself from this environment, doctor?” Bruce laughed in Natasha’s face.

“I was in Calcutta, I was pretty well removed.” Nora ignored their verbal ping pong as she went over to the monitor to check on the Tesseract. She paused and eyed Loki’s staff curiously. When she focused back on the group Fury was explaining why Sheild wanted to create these weapons.

“Last year earth had a visitor from another planet who had a grudge match that leveled a small town. We learned that not only are we not alone, but we are hopelessly- hilariously, out-gunned.” Nora was going to tell Nick he was right but that he should have been upfront but Thor interjected before she had the chance.

“My people want nothing but peace with your planet.”

“But you’re not the only people out there, are you? And, you’re not the only threat. The world’s filling up with people who can’t be matched, they can’t be controlled.” Fury shot back quickly. Nora couldn’t focus on what they were saying anymore. Her attention was drawn back to Loki’s staff like it was pulling her in. Bits and pieces of the argument would break through. She couldn’t focus on who was saying what as her head started to pound and the sceptor started to glow..

“Nuclear deterrent! ’Cause that always calms everything right down.”

“ I’m sure if he still made weapons, Stark would be neck deep-“

“How is this now about me?”

“I’m sorry, isn’t everything?”

“I thought humans were more evolved than this.”

“I swear to God, Stark, one more crack...”

Nora felt more dizzy and tried to focus on Steve’s voice, though she wished she hadn’t. “Yeah, big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?” Why was Steve attacking her Uncle? He didn’t know what he was talking about. Nora felt too woozy to feel any anger at that point.

“Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.”

“I know guys with none of that worth ten of you. I’ve seen the footage. The only thing you really fight for is yourself. You’re not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.” He was wrong. He didn’t know what Tony Stark was about. He put on a front but he was a hero. He took the world on his shoulders. Nora remembered Tony destroying all of the weapons sold to our enemies. She wanted to scream at Rogers but her head hurt too badly to speak. Tony’s voice cut through the pain.

“A hero, like you? You’re a laboratory experiment, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle.”

“Put on the suit, let’s go a few rounds.”

“Steve, Tony- Stop” Nora begged. Her voice wasn’t loud enough for them to hear her. She was sure it was Loki’s scepter causing them to act like this. It was what messed with Barton’s head. Loki had wanted it to be here, to cause this dissension. Finally Bruce’s yelling caused everything to stop.

“IN CASE YOU NEEDED TO KILL ME. BUT YOU CAN’T, I KNOW, I TRIED!” He stopped and saw that everyone is staring at him and he continued. “I got low. I didn’t see an end so I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out. So I moved on, I focused on helping other people. I was good until you dragged me back into this freak show and put everyone here at risk. You wanna know my secret, Agent Romanoff? You wanna know how I stay calm?”

“Oh Bruce...” Nora could feel his pain and anger, how broken he felt. He was holding the scepter while Fury and Natasha hand their hands on their guns. Nora was white as a sheet.

“Please Bruce. That thing is making you all act like this. Please put it down. No one is going to cage you, I promise..”

“Nora?” Tony’s voice was full of worry. She looked sick. She had barely said a word during the argument. She normally would tell Tony if he was being an ass or defend him if he was right. Steve took a deep breath, sighed and looked at Bruce.

“Doctor Banner, put down the scepter.” Banner looked down, surprised to see the spear in his hand. Suddenly the monitor made a noise, signaling the Tesseract has been located. Bruce put the scepter back on the table and walked over to the screen on the other side of the room. Nora walked over to the table and lightly touched the scepter, knowing it was the source of her pain. She just didn’t know why. She yanked her hand back and turned towards her Uncle.

Suddenly Tony turned to leave but Steve put his arm out to stop him. “You’re not going alone Stark!” Tony smacked Steve’s hand away.

“You gonna stop me?” Nora groaned. Taking steps towards the two men.

“Put on the suit, let’s find out!

“ I’m not afraid to hit an old man.”

“Will the two of you stop acting like children?!” Nora was pleading with them. Then she heard Banner yelling and then an explosion. Nora flew into Steve, he grabbed her by the waist as he and Tony fell near the entry way. Steve turned her so she would fall on him instead of the floor protecting her head and neck. The next thing she knew Steve was pulling her along with Tony.

#Avengers #Avengers FanFiction #Steve Rogers #Steve Rogers FanFiction #Captain America #Captain America FanFiction #Steve Rogers x OC #captain america x oc #Stark OC #Tony Stark #Tony Stark FanFiction #Marvel #Marvel FanFiction #MCU #MCU FanFiction #Steve Rogers Imagine #captain america imagine #Steve Rogers x Stark OC

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karmade · 7 years ago

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so yeah you not gonna believe how old those news are

but I am now going to RAVE about one of my most favourite scenes in marvel cinematic universe and yeah that’s right

its the destruction of tony's Malibu house scene.

Lets start off with the fact that i am an architect with a degree, and I find Tony's house completely DELIGHTFUL.

I love it. Both interior and exterior of it are lovely. I absolutely adore open and spacious living room, home-ness of tony's lab&garage, and gorgeous open view bedroom. Delightful.

Also give me a second to SCREAM about that lovely detail - Christmas stockings.

I can’t grab a single shot where you can see all of them clearly, but there’s actually 5 stockings. Two big red ones - Tony and Pepper - big green one - Jarvis - and two smaller ones, one of which got ‘U’ on it, so I am assuming the other one must be Dum-E and I HONESTLY CAN NOT HOLD THE FEELS. I saw people mentioning Jarvis stocking because you can clearly see it but BABY BOTS GOT THEM TOO, HOW BEYOND PRECIOUS IS THAT. I am crying over here, i’m not okay.

Now, the scene of this beautiful house going down must be heartbreaking and not fun, but all that content honestly:

I completely love how we first see the missile on the TV screen, the way how unbelievably real it looks because of it, realistic and HORRIFYING. Because it's news feed shot, not cinematic one, it looks so much more scary and shocking on TV than a second later in 'real life'.

Before they can react, it hits.

They all fly back, in barely half a second, and Tony does that hand thing

and we were SHOWN this before, in exact same movie, we KNOW what's going to happen, he’s calling the suit, he’s going to ironman them out.

But the suit goes to and embraces Pepper.

THE SCREAM I internally made that very second all years back in cinema, I would have made a terrifying wailing sound if I weren't mute with SHOCK of it, it was most Tony Stark thing to do but I NEVER SAW IT COMING. Later we will know that he didn't come up with it on the spot, we'll know that one wont be able to go into the suit if it wasn't calibrated for them (because Tony can’t make any of the suits accept Rhodes in them), so IT WAS PREPARED, it was DELIBERATE, Tony prepared to the chance that Pepper could be in danger and he programmed it so he could COVER HER WITH IT before he even completed the suit for flight or combat. YEARS LATER, I’M STILL DYING HERE. God.

And only then he goes to cover his face with his bare arms.

The ceiling goes down and next thing we see is IRON MAN COVERING TONY FROM RUBBLE

and trailers made it seem like the suit was protecting him even while he was out of it (it was awesome, people made a ship on the spot and called it IRONY, i never loved tony stark fandom more) but helmet opens up and

PEPPER GOES 'I got you' IN THAT TONE OF VOICE like in, relieved and unbelieving and 'god i love you', I CANT GET OVER IT. Tony's first reaction is to cover her with his armour and then she goes and covers him with her body and THIS SHIP, HOW ONE HANDLES THE BEAUTY OF IT.

There's more: Tony urges her to go away even with floor falling down under feet, HE'S JUST A HUMAN, THEN, no super power no radiation no serum no shit, just a man, not even in a can, now, and he doesn't think about getting his suit back until JARVIS says 'Sir, Miss Potts is clear of the structure' and god, if it didn't sound to me more like 'it's okay now PLEASE CALL THE ARMOUR BACK' and TONY'S FACE THEN.

The BREATH he lets out. He's not safe yet, the suit is yet to get to him, but PEPPER'S SAFE. That's the relief in him, he fucked up, but at least Pepper didn't had to pay for it.

Then, he calls armor back.

The whole sequence of it. God. The beauty of it. From the moment he calls armour with his palms to his chest gesture. Pepper spinning while parts of the suit leave her, Tony crawling up, the heroic music playing, Tony getting up with suit covering him bit by bit, all the way over his hands, repulsor blazing, the faceplate, GOD. I can watch this ALL DAY.

I am barely breathing here: Tony is suited up, but his beautiful house is perched right above the sea and it's falling down. We bid goodbye to the piano (did Tony buy it? Did it belong to his mother and he kept it from his old home? It looks exactly like the piano we see in his BARF memory, so), then Tony falls through floor into his lab, and THEN we're back to horror of it, because Tony walked Pepper out safely, but she was not the only other one living in the house.

Tony never treated his creations like things, let’s remember the stockings, how Tony speaks to them, and lets remember how they react to the things he says with clear emotions, how Jarvis voices his opinions, and how all of them care about Tony to act on their own accord to protect him. And we get to see, in horror, how Dum-E and U are screaming, panicking, one of them down, we get to see Tony, horrified, seeing them falling off, scrambling, and now I only can handle raving about it being an amazing scene (for treating them like living things) only because TONY WILL RETURN FOR THEM

HOW DO YOU SURVIVE A SCENE THIS LOADED WITH THINGS TO CRY. SCREAM AND LOVE TONY MORE FOR and it’s not even over yet.

Finally, Tony, too, falls into the sea and gets trapped under water.

he tries to get out, but fails, his movements slowing down, like he got no power to fight or is out of ideas how to free himself. and thEN JARVIS. TELL’S HIM. ‘Sir, take a deep breath’ AND UN ATTACHES THE ARM OF THE SUIT AND GRABS TONY’S HAND

He then gets him out of water and up in the air, and by that time Tony must have been not even conscious anymore, so JARVIS carries him away from danger to the last destination they discussed until he can no longer carry nor protect him.

Guys. Guys, my hands are shaking and it’s like the millionth time I am re-watching this. Sure MCU movies arent perfect and some movies are worse than the others. but IM3 got so much of amazing Tony Stark content and this scene alone got like TON of it and it’s barely 10 minutes long.

I love Tony Stark so much. The way he so clearly cares, how he would die ten times to protect those who are dear to him, and how kindness and empathy in him could be clearly seen in his inventions, the way he treats them, the way they treat him back, and just. How one can look at this man and see a villain is BEYOND me, it’s the craziest thing, unthinkable.

And then I see people saying things like ‘Tony dying in Infinity War would be a good closure for his character’ AND NO IT WONT. What do you even mean, HOW death could be a ‘good closure’ whAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, NO. He did not live just to die, who lives just to die? ‘It would be fitting for him to die protecting the earth from the invasion he predicted’, NO. No, why would you SAY that, he tried to warn them, he did all he could to prepare, he was scared, scarred, panicked over it, and no one listened, and you want him to die in the middle of it, because of it, for dramatic effect of it?

I’m so furious, scared and frustrated, I have no words. There are other ways. Do not crush me, do not disappoint me, do not make me post things like ‘he’s sleeping’ or ‘he crawled away’. If you want closure, let him live through it, let him be soft and let him be safe. The only closure Tony Stark deserves is a happy one and I do not give a damn if it’s more difficult to produce than dramatic deathbed scene one.

(why he would even NEED a closure, I want ten more iron man movies)

#MCU Tony Stark #MCU Ironman #iron man marvel cinematic universe #team iron man #this is my i love mcu tony stark so much tag #iron man 3 #jarvis #dum-e #tony's bots #pepperony #all mcu feelings #this is my i love mcu tony stark very much tag #tony stark #i in fact will fight for tony stark like a wild cat so do not test me

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foursprout-blog · 7 years ago

Text

In The Words Of My Daughter’s Twin, ‘You Can’t Hurt Someone Who’s Already Dead’

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/in-the-words-of-my-daughters-twin-you-cant-hurt-someone-whos-already-dead/

In The Words Of My Daughter’s Twin, ‘You Can’t Hurt Someone Who’s Already Dead’

@debooshka

Don’t you dare tell me that there are lots of kids who look the same. Don’t pretend this is some sort of funny coincidence either, like the kindergarten teacher does. I’d know my baby girl anywhere. I know the way her hair smells, and how her soft little hands feel in mine. I know her giggling laugh, the way she puffs out her cheeks when she’s angry, and the light in her eyes when she sees me across the room. I know all the things that only a mother can know, but for the life of me I still can’t tell them apart.

“Elizabeth, go put your crayons away. It’s time to go home now.”

“I’m not done yet.”

“Don’t talk back to your mom. You can finish tomorrow.”

“You’re not my mom. You’re just a lady.”

That was the first shock. When the girl I thought was my daughter shied away from me at the kindergarten. I grabbed her arm and started dragging her, thinking she was just misbehaving. She started to struggle and howl in protest, but I wasn’t in the mood so I picked her up and slung her over my shoulder. I probably would have walked away with her and never known if the real Elizabeth hadn’t come skipping around the corner.

“Hi mom! Hi Taylor!”

“Put me down! I don’t wanna!” shouted the child I was carrying. I’d always thought double-takes were just something people did in movies. I must have done a quadruple. Everything was identical, from their blonde pigtails tied exactly the same way all the way down to their matching floral overalls.

“Whicha cowa,” my daughter said.

“Zookiah gromwich,” Taylor replied as I put them down.

“Isn’t it adorable?” Mrs. Hallowitz, the kindergarten teacher, was just returning from the bathroom leading another toddler by the hand. “They even talk in their own language. None of the other kids can understand them.”

My daughter leaned over to Taylor and whispered something that sounded like: “Priva priva mae.”

Both girls looked at me pointedly and began a hysterical giggle in perfect synchronization. Even the intakes of breath and the sudden high-pitched squeals lined up.

Honestly? I didn’t think it was adorable at all. I thought it was beyond creepy. I wasted no time scooping my daughter up and getting her out of there. I might have been able to find it cute under different circumstances, but the truth is that Elizabeth did have a twin. At least in the womb. Her sister was stillborn though, and seeing Taylor just brought back a rush of memories that I hadn’t allowed myself to touch for five years.

By the next day, I’d convinced myself I was overreacting. I should be glad that my daughter made a friend. This was only going to be weird if I let it be weird. I don’t know if I was just trying to prove something to myself, but I even made an effort by reaching out to Taylor’s parents and inviting them over for a play date. They were really sweet people, and we laughed about the “weird coincidence” while the kids played with LEGOs on the floor.

In theory, this was supposed to make me feel better about the situation. It didn’t. The more we talked, the weirder it got. Both girls would sit exactly the same way with their knees drawn up to their chins. They both liked to peel apples and eat the skin — both liked the same obscure cartoon about a digital world — both liked cats more than dogs. Their favorite color was blue.

Even worse, the whole time they were playing together they only spoke in their secret language, laughing in unison. Taylor’s mother looked a little uncomfortable when they both asked to use the bathroom at the same time, but she just laughed it off and commented on how impressionable five year olds are.

“Did you have fun today with your new friend?” I asked Elizabeth when I was tucking her into bed that night.

“She’s not my friend. She’s my sister,” Elizabeth declared in that pompously imperative way children have.

“You don’t have a sister. Taylor has her own parents, remember?”

“It’s okay, mom. I know she died.” Elizabeth’s eyes were already closed when she said it. She spoke as casually as though saying goodnight, nestling further under the covers as she did. “Don’t worry. She’s all better now.”

I’d never spoken aloud about Elizabeth’s twin since the day she died. Never even dared to think it too loudly.

“Did your father tell you that?” I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

“No. Taylor told me. Goodnight mom.”

“Sweet dreams, little one.”

I’d just turned off the lights and was about to leave the room when Elizabeth said: “Baree fanta lan, Taylor.”

“What did you just say?”

Elizabeth started giggling. Then she was silent. Then giggling again, rambling away in her unknown language.

I can’t explain exactly why I decided to call Taylor’s parents right then. I guess I was just feeling overwhelmed and needed a little reality check.

“Has Taylor gone to bed already?” I asked.

“No, she’s in the kitchen drinking a warm milk,” Taylor’s mom replied. “Is something the matter?”

“Is she… talking to herself?”

A shuffling. Then a pause. I heard Elizabeth mumble something, then start to giggle again. On the other end of the line, I heard Taylor giggling at the same exact instant.

“She’s not saying anything,” Taylor’s mom said. I breathed a sigh of relief, but it was cut short. “Not real words anyway. Just pretend words.”

I thanked her, wished her goodnight, and hung up the phone. Not before I heard Taylor replying in the background to whatever Elizabeth was saying to herself. They were communicating somehow. I don’t know why that terrified me so much, but it did. I sat outside her room and wrote down as much of the gibberish as I could make sense of. In the morning, I tried asking Elizabeth what it meant. She only laughed and said it was a secret.

I felt like I was running in circles. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, but the more I thought, the more confusing it got. Had my other girl survived after-all? Could she have been adopted by another family somehow? But that still didn’t explain how they were talking to each other.

As a last resort, I tried hanging around the kindergarten until after Taylor’s parents dropped her off and left. Then I went in and signed Taylor out, pretending that she was my daughter. She trusted me this time since we’ve played together at my house, and I promised her some treats if she went along with it.

Once we were alone in my car, I showed her all the gibberish words I wrote down from the night before. I told her she had to help me figure out what they meant for her to get her treat. Taylor was happy to oblige.

“Lizzy (her word for Elizabeth) and I were talking last night.”

“What were you talking about?”

“We were trying to decide which of us was dead. What kind of treat did you bring?”

“Soon, honey. Can you tell me what that means?”

“Ughhh.” Taylor rolled her eyes in exasperation, just the way Elizabeth always does when I make her wait. “One of us died when we were little. I think it was Lizzy, but she thinks it was me.”

“You both look pretty alive to me.”

“I knowwwwwwww,” she whined. “That’s why we can’t agree. But I can’t live unless she’s dead, so that’s going to happen. Can I have my treat now?”

“What’s going to happen?” I understood her, but I still couldn’t believe a five year old would say such a thing.

“Lizzy has to die,” Taylor said emphatically. “There’s only supposed to be one of us.”

“That doesn’t make sense. It’s insane. I never want to hear you say that again.”

Taylor shrugged. “If we get ice-cream, can it be —”

“Chocolate,” I cut her off. “I know.”

Taylor giggled.

“Are you going to hurt my daughter?”

Taylor’s eyes widened, fearful. She shook her head rapidly. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding.

“You can’t hurt someone who is already dead,” Taylor said matter-of-factly.

This part is hard to type, but I need you to know why I did it. I need you to know that Taylor didn’t suffer when I wrapped my hands around her little neck. She barely even struggled, and it snapped so easily that I know she barely even knew what was happening. She said so herself. You can’t hurt someone who is already dead, and I had my own daughter to worry about.

I’m sorry Mr. Sallos. I’m sorry Mrs. Sallos. I know this letter will be hard for you to understand, but your daughter didn’t die yesterday. She was my daughter, and she died five years ago before she ever left the hospital. I know what it must have seemed like, but you never had a daughter of your own. You had a dream about a life that could have been, and this pain you feel is just the surprise of waking up.

I just wish Elizabeth would stop talking to herself. I wish she wouldn’t look at me the way she does, or laugh when she’s alone.

#Happiness

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foursprouthappiness-blog · 7 years ago

Text

In The Words Of My Daughter’s Twin, ‘You Can’t Hurt Someone Who’s Already Dead’

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/in-the-words-of-my-daughters-twin-you-cant-hurt-someone-whos-already-dead/

In The Words Of My Daughter’s Twin, ‘You Can’t Hurt Someone Who’s Already Dead’

@debooshka

“Elizabeth, go put your crayons away. It’s time to go home now.”

“I’m not done yet.”

“Don’t talk back to your mom. You can finish tomorrow.”

“You’re not my mom. You’re just a lady.”

“Hi mom! Hi Taylor!”

“Whicha cowa,” my daughter said.

“Zookiah gromwich,” Taylor replied as I put them down.

My daughter leaned over to Taylor and whispered something that sounded like: “Priva priva mae.”

Both girls looked at me pointedly and began a hysterical giggle in perfect synchronization. Even the intakes of breath and the sudden high-pitched squeals lined up.

“Did you have fun today with your new friend?” I asked Elizabeth when I was tucking her into bed that night.

“She’s not my friend. She’s my sister,” Elizabeth declared in that pompously imperative way children have.

“You don’t have a sister. Taylor has her own parents, remember?”

I’d never spoken aloud about Elizabeth’s twin since the day she died. Never even dared to think it too loudly.

“Did your father tell you that?” I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

“No. Taylor told me. Goodnight mom.”

“Sweet dreams, little one.”

I’d just turned off the lights and was about to leave the room when Elizabeth said: “Baree fanta lan, Taylor.”

“What did you just say?”

Elizabeth started giggling. Then she was silent. Then giggling again, rambling away in her unknown language.

I can’t explain exactly why I decided to call Taylor’s parents right then. I guess I was just feeling overwhelmed and needed a little reality check.

“Has Taylor gone to bed already?” I asked.

“No, she’s in the kitchen drinking a warm milk,” Taylor’s mom replied. “Is something the matter?”

“Is she… talking to herself?”

A shuffling. Then a pause. I heard Elizabeth mumble something, then start to giggle again. On the other end of the line, I heard Taylor giggling at the same exact instant.

“She’s not saying anything,” Taylor’s mom said. I breathed a sigh of relief, but it was cut short. “Not real words anyway. Just pretend words.”

“Lizzy (her word for Elizabeth) and I were talking last night.”

“What were you talking about?”

“We were trying to decide which of us was dead. What kind of treat did you bring?”

“Soon, honey. Can you tell me what that means?”

“Ughhh.” Taylor rolled her eyes in exasperation, just the way Elizabeth always does when I make her wait. “One of us died when we were little. I think it was Lizzy, but she thinks it was me.”

“You both look pretty alive to me.”

“I knowwwwwwww,” she whined. “That’s why we can’t agree. But I can’t live unless she’s dead, so that’s going to happen. Can I have my treat now?”

“What’s going to happen?” I understood her, but I still couldn’t believe a five year old would say such a thing.

“Lizzy has to die,” Taylor said emphatically. “There’s only supposed to be one of us.”

“That doesn’t make sense. It’s insane. I never want to hear you say that again.”

Taylor shrugged. “If we get ice-cream, can it be —”

“Chocolate,” I cut her off. “I know.”

Taylor giggled.

“Are you going to hurt my daughter?”

Taylor’s eyes widened, fearful. She shook her head rapidly. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding.

“You can’t hurt someone who is already dead,” Taylor said matter-of-factly.

I just wish Elizabeth would stop talking to herself. I wish she wouldn’t look at me the way she does, or laugh when she’s alone.

#Happiness

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