#i cant be bothered explaining myself rn

[mystic-delphi]

I'm gonna turn my head into a crt

[apathyfairy]

me at 13: by the time im 30 i will probably be married and maybe have a kid but for sure i will be living in my dream city and have my dream job. and also a lot of money

me at almost 30: i think i will treat myself to a corn dog this weekend

[motheyes]

help me i’m having achy heart :(

[narryffdreaming]

listen, no matter what happens in a month or a year or two, i cant even begin to explain how happy it makes me to see taylor living this relationship rn. idc what people say about her how much she bothers people or how much people claim to hate her.. from the way i see it, all she's been doing/trying to do all along is to love and be loved. and it takes a lot of bravery to allow yourself to fall in love over and over again despite all the mistakes and disappointments and heartbreaks. to put yourself out there and open up your heart even tho you might get hurt. i mean, half of us wont even say hello to someone out of fear of being rejected, so idk. it makes me happy and i think it's a great example of how complicated&full of mistakes our lives can be and how to be able to live the happiest moments in life we have to allow ourselves to live the saddest ones, too. so yeah, im happy for her, and i hope one day i'll be brave enough to allow myself to live something that looks like this. <3

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

Hey,

I just wanted to make sure: have you been in the ofmd fandom during s1 coming out? I'm very interested in meta from that time (I'm not asking for any links, I can search myself, don't want to bother you, unless you would like to recommend something, that would be great of course)

(Forgive any spelling errors for now, im in bed on my phone lol)

Hello! Yes I have! I started watching the show a few days after s1ep7&8 came out, and watched eps 9&10 the moment they came out!

During the early days of fandom meta, you had a lot of straight up show analysis. Songs, motifs, symbols and explaining characters actions and the like. Back then I don't think I ever posted, just reblogged some stuff relating to Ed/Stede.

For that, I'd recommend looking up the topics I listed from lighthouse symbolism, music in certain scenes. Bare bones, but fun stuff! The tags 'ofmd meta' 'Edward Teach meta' or character + meta. That or ofmd symbolism, ofmd mental health, Ed's heart(referencing the red cloth), Oranges, Oluwande's earing.

My biggest draw here is I just love characters and analyzing character arcs in stories. So I have always been on the more meta sides of fandom.

I started posting light meta for Ed and Izzy maybe around June ish of 2022? Maybe? Nothing big, but from then on I focused mainly in the Izzy spaces. FOR ME: I was more intrigued by the meta on the cycles of abuse, classism, refrences to historical piracy, and just sheer angst and heart and emotional honesty of the Meta on this side of the fandom. I grew up and still live in a very red very rural US state and cant safely be visibly queer, so i latched onto Izzy's caution around visable queerness/vulnerability and habit to cling onto the established norm vs. Stede and Ed's story on 'The Love Shack' Carribean eddition. (and the fact Izzy's side treated Ed and Stede like characters that COULD still make mistakes.)

Some fans prefer the romance of ofmd while others prefer the story of family/acceptance/angst. We as a fandom split pretty quickly after ep 10. Trust me.

I sadly can't recommend you anyone specific due to essentially texting this post rn (and if any fans at the time comment down below any notable meta writers they can remember, I'd appreciate it-im drawing a blank besides my mutuals-hell give yourself a shout out if youd like). What i can give you are the disagreements that split meta writing in the fandom during the hiatus. Hell some of these even have trickle-down effects to this day as to how the fandom portrays these characters TO THIS DAY. This is where I see the clear line between what ofmd fandom will call the Izzy 'canyon' of meta vs general fan posting.

1.) Did Izzy influence/order Ed to become the Kraken? [Ed meta: (to be a bit uncharitable) Ed felt like he was alone and he'd only be able to keep Izzy in his life is if he became the Kraken (or Izzy is somehow abusing Ed to make that choice to become the monster he feared)] [izzy meta: izzy wanted blackbeard back, his friend and captain, not the Kraken. He cares about Ed being safe, and for them, that means hiding behind the blackbeard shield. Even if it keeps them both stagnant]

2.) Does Ed want to kill? How does he frame killing? How does he moralize it? How does this trauma affect him as a character? How does he value the lives of his crew ('they're pirates, that's their job' s1ep4 vs his dad or the ship he lit on fire for example)

3.) Is izzy homophobic/racist/a colonist/more of a piece of shit beyond just being an antagonist(if i were you I'd also just stick away from a post if it seems like the writer is framing all of Ed's actions like Izzy is his 'puppet master controlling the strings'.)

4.) Why do Stede and Ed seem to struggle to care about anyone else in their lives beyond each other? (Not really popular outside of Izzy spaces unless discussing ADHD/AUTISM. Honestly I don't know how you'd look for this in a Tumblr search bar, but it's some good stuff)

5.) Edward Teach has Adhd/BPD/Depression or the cycle of abuse, Stede Bonnet has Autism/Adhd/emotional childhood neglect including some amazing meta on masking. I think I even wrote something about Izzy and autism actually....

If I were you this is where I'd start. The mental health discussions in this Fandom are intriguing. S2 did basically confirm the ADHD 100% for anyone who was doubting, and healed Ed's btd with stedes dick, but other than that. There's some really good stuff in there. An easy way to find some good writers!

>) ALSO: Does piracy represent masculinity?? (S1 says maybe, it depends. S2 throws that whole meta out the window, but it was fun to talk about equating Izzy and Ed's leather daddy ship and more masculinity presentations of queerness to traditional masc gender roles)

6.) Do you define Ed and his actions as his own or as that under labels? This one is super frustrating to me personally. It does nothing for me to look at s2ep1 and say 'see that's the Kraken, that's a mask, that's not Ed'. But a lot of the general wider fandom do see Ed masking as somehow putting on a role, like in a play, and carrying out his evil actions under a pseudonym. These people usually will also believe the 'Izzy is manipulating a mentally ill man' stuff. As if Izzy isn't also SUPER fucked up.

THIS lack of character direction affected our fandoms fanfic and fanart too. I look at Ed and see a man who is and has fucked up. But hell, go back to S1 fic and you can read a fic where izzy slaughters puppies and Ed stands by with 'sexy cow eyes' unable to stop him. Then the next read 'Ed/Stede slowburn post s1 where Izzy goes to get Stede and learns to be apart of the crew' in 40k words.

7.) Jim's religious trauma, what is up with Buttons, Lucius/Izzy and Polyamory dynamics, or other topics with side characters that are brushed off. I bet right now if you look at people writing S2 Frenchie trauma Meta, they wrote stuff for s1

8.) Also- was izzy turned on by the toe thing/getting slammed into a wall. Yes. This is still debated. As a con oneill fan, those are not his 'I'm hot for this' faces. But No. You will still see that interpretation today that he wanted Ed to do something to him only because he got off on it. Even after s2. (Izzy being a masochist however? Fan theory that was embraced and made into a refrence in s2 which was fun)

I've just rebloged a post with some meta from a writer I enjoy and I will tag you!! But yeah! OFMD mutuals if you can recommend any meta writers, don't be afraid to!! Thanks for the ask!!! ❤️(I will likely add to this post when I think of more lol)

[nightgarla]

// vent :/ about my current state of mind bc its bothering me so much and i keep monologuing about it instead of sleeping

ik i never talk to anyone on here so no ones rly gonna care that much but i just need to communicate what im thinking to anyone so i can sleep

but yea im currently in a crazy possibly covid worsened episode which is why all my art is old stuff i already scheduled, and i fucking HATE IT HERE !!!!!!!

i havent talked to my one (1) friend in days and from the stray notifications i catch hes getting frustrated and i hate it bc i feel rly bad and i wanna talk to him but i just CANT !!!!!!! like i literally dont have the energy for any form of socialization and its not like i just dont wanna talk to him its literally i csnt talk to anyone rn or i will cry and or pass out it sucks

and whats worse is i cant wven like justify or explain being gone bc when i have episodes like this my brain is just in a constant i hate talking i hate all people i hate having friends i hate my friends state which is NOT TRUE i love people i love having friends but i just get so tired and i dont know why bc no one else seems to struggle like that and idk how to like communicate that to someone without upsetting them :(

and it sucks cuz i don even have a therapist anymore bc NOT A SINGLE ONE gave me like a piece of paper or something so i could talk and the last we heard from bup was they "put me in the queue" for a neuropsych eval, all i have now is the bald commune man that brings us french bread everh other week but hes more a driver and occasional infodump bin than anything (no offense ily torbjörn <3)

i also got artblock again so i cant even make myself feel better by drawing little guys :((((

[minnieposting]

talking about ocd, hyperfixations, and loving vocaloid

minnie journal entry style post again, except this ones SUPER long lol.

a few nights ago i had a Moment of Weakness . it mightve been a withdrawal thing but i was not at my best lol, i just became really upset out of nowhere?? i was listening to some teto synthv stuff and kinda just Reminiscing on my vocaloid days ... i find myself doing that pretty frequently lately but since im not rlly hyperfixating on anything rn, vocaloid pretty much becomes my default. but im getting ahead of myself.

i get weird about my hyperfixations. when one starts slipping away it used to be so genuinely painful like i felt it so physically i would get so depressed whenever i felt hyperfixations start to slowly fade. i was always like that, but it was different with vocaloid.

 i will never be able to really describe HOW much vocaloid means to me but its litreally part of my soul. its ME. like i was sitting here trying to do exactly what i said i couldnt and guess what, i couldnt really describe it. i was really REALLY hyperfixated on it for 8 whole years straight, elementary school up to when i was around 15?  thats when my ungodly uncharted 4 hyperfixation came eating my ass .... and i remember the only reason it stopped was bc i felt too guilty abt leaving vocaloid behind I KNOW U CANT CONTROL HYPERFIXATIONS BUT MINE LITREALLY JUST STOPPED. after a specififc day of intense guilt lmfao

but yeah. guilt. whenever i leave behind a hyperfixation, i just feel SO guilty, and i dont really know why. i always feel this need to “prove” to myself that i still love a character, they still make me as happy as they used to, and i feel weird and bad if im not getting into smth as obsessively or if im not “consuming it the correct way”. i feel like im not rlly explaining this thing well but ocd is just a nighhttttmare , it bleeds into everything and lately its been bleeding into my interests and my creativity x1000. and im just really sad about that because i feel like i wont ever be that same person again, bc im just too hyperaware BC of my ocd and i just find myself ruminating a lot. though this usually starts to become Active in my head when my hyperfixation is actually starting to go away ... lol. when im balls deep into smth i will be way too obsessed to be in my head like that!

but. all this just being context lol... i was listening to teto synthv stuff and just. i dont even remember what caused me to start getting so upset but i just started reminiscing and getting in my own head about all this. how i dont like vocaloid as much anymore and wondering if ill ever be as happy as i was back then. i hate being an adult bc being an adult means being more Aware and being aware means ocd bothering me and just. idk. I was thinking about everything. Typical rumination spiral. just started getting really sad and upset bc i was just stuck in my thoughts and thinking about how younger me would be disappointed in my current self

it didnt last very long at least, and i ended up listening to re:ng and pinnochiop. but the songs that i clicked actually ,,,,,, helped me so much. one of the songs i clicked was rainy snowdrop by re:ng, and i found myself resonating so deeply with the lyrics. like im actually a bit emotional rn typing bc i went to go look at the lyrics again and im listening to the song rn. it really picked me up and made me feel ok again. then because youre here by pinnochiop played. and just. FUCK BOTH OF THESE SONGS ARE JUST EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR IN THAT MOMENT. it reminded me that itll be okay. simple as that.

and. im only writing abt what happened a few nights ago because while i was playing future tone earlier, it just hit me. ive always been saying that vocaloid makes me feel like myself. but then i started thinking about what exactly that means. and im actually thinking about it now while i write. its like home to me. vocaloid is where ill always go to, where ill always be. i grew up with it. its never not been with me. and no matter where i end up, itll follow me and itll be okay. ocd likes to make me ruminate about the past present and future but one thing that i know for sure is that vocaloid will always be there for me. i see it in a way where its me and my kid self. and i value my inner child so much. which is a bit ironic to me, bc of the way i treat myself...

idk. vocaloid is just really grounding in general. whenever i spiral or need to be pulled back down to earth, its there, and itll always help. its just nice to have this forever thing that i love so much

[random-cryptid]

theyre both still sketches, but still!

i found out i cant draw heeleys to save my life, but then i thought that mary might like roller skates too! i just realized her left hand is facing the wrong way but im just gonna ignore that for now shfbfn (i also found out mary's hair is so much harder to draw than winnies, wth is going on with her hair???)

as for winifred, i tried to make her look exhausted and a lil anxious, but im not the best at doing sadder emotions. so, great time to practice that sjjdj (and make myself sad right before bed rip)

ive yet to do sarahs, but i was planning on drawing her with some of different moths that are found in massachustets! i found three that are really pretty and kinda cute, but im too sleepy to start on that one rn. i did think about tryna find ones that are more commonly found in or close to salem, but i ouldnt be bothered to get that specific

i meant to show them earlier but i got really sidetracked!

SCREAMS LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL YEEEEESSSSS OH IM SO EXCITEDDDD

Honestly I can’t draw roller skates for the life of myself so we’re even on that one 😭🤝😭 but I absolutely agree!!!! Mary loves roller skates (and Sarah does too idc) or any kind of travelling device (I can’t stop thinking about Mary on a skateboard adhwbdhebd and YES HER HAIR IS SO COMPLICATED AND FOR WHAT 😭😭😭😭😭)

Well I do think you nailed it!!!! AND THE HAIR IM OBSESSED WITH THE HAIR 😭😭😭😭 I don’t know how to explain it but it looks so???? Flowing???? I love it 😭🫶

Also AAAAAAAA CANT WAIT TO SEE SARAH WITH HER MOTHS 😭😭😭😭😭♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[luminousdelight]

Multisectional ventpost hhhhh

Okay, the first thing here is rly just, I really dont like being in that friend server im in kinda (yk dori, that one i invited you in once). Theres like- 2 people that kinda ruin it for me completely, like I really wanna get out of it, which like- is kinda awful because thats the only place I really feel like I can stay rn- im too anxious to just suddenly start talking in random servers and irl is obv not an option for me. The reason those ppl r like a problem is just, one of them cant go 2 messages without complaining about either "commies" or "trannies" and is overall just an annoying person with how often they bring this stuff up along with their sentiment, and they sexualize alot its rly uncomfortable. The other one isnt really as annoying but still- it makes me feel uncomfortable being around them kinda, theyre pretty transphobic too but at least they dont mention it on their own. They also think the Andrew Tate getting banned from his socials stuff was unfair because he was just "ironic" so- yeah... (Late edit but theres also someone that cant shut up about how Honkai is better than Genshin and it drives me insane like yeah, maybe, idk, but can you shut up about it sometime maybe actually and not mention it every 10 seconds?? We get it Oh yeah and they did say some pretty trnasphobic stuff as well. At least those 3 are the only ones). I really dont like being there

Another thing is like, I really really hate venting ab the same thing to the same person multiple times because it just feels like- ill be kinda repetitive about it eventually :,D and a sorry for that only works so many times. So I just end up bottling up alot of stuff because im rly afraid to bother ppl too much about it. The same is a bit with these public vents too but- its not that bad there at least, my fear there is rather that all of that falls on deaf ears (or that a person I dont want reading about my struggles ends up reading it, like the ones in the server i mentioned) ;w;

And another thingy vent with that ex-(??? | hopefully not ;w;) friend. I really dont think things happened like they played it out like- idk quite know how to explain it but- theres just alot of things that just wouldnt make sense to me in that case.. I know I keep telling myself I should let go ab this over and over again but I rly cant- I just feel extremely convinced I mustve done smth wrong ;w; and in that case I just end up extremely hoping there might still be a chance to get my feelings reciprocated again if any of this just happened to be a huge misunderstanding. But its also the only part of this I really have any control over by now and this thought process just keeps making me feel more tense and tense the longer this situation goes on i just ghdjghjsdhdfhjs ;A; So I just rly wanna let go just if thats not the case but hsjhdfjhf its so hard qwp I really dont wanna be too pushy with this either, and im also not sure if they might even find out ab these posts and all that, wouldnt rly be that unexpected tho i feel, i kinda hope they will, it would make things alot easier. Please save me from this, im begging --- ;-;

Edit edit!!: Ik my reasoning is a bit nonsensical for this, I was just in complete denial still when its clearly not worth it by any metric, even if they wouldve responded by now

[belayapolosa1444]

Idk if its ventpost or smth if you want to then read my stupid ass complaining! Grab yourself a cup of tea or coffee (or even lean if you want to) and take a look at list of things that i hate in writing/reading a book.

I FUCKING HATE WRITING MY BOOK.

I was a wattpad writer for 5 years. From 2022 im writing a book for serious. I want it to be published in the future, so im trying very hard to be actually good and enjoyable. BUT i have a few... Problems i guess?? Obviously im not suggesting that i could be neurodivergent, nor i am selfdiagnosing.

I SEE PATTERNS VERY SHARPLY. I dont know if its autism or other typa shit but when i write or read im always pissed at "patterns" in writing. Not that are genual like repeated, not creative adjectives, but verbs, words that emphasize that a character is saying something at the moment - like if i was literally skipping them and reading 50% of the book instead. I love books (stfu tiktok problematic romance novels) but i feel like something is wrong with me.

For the past couple of months i havent updated any story on wattpad, only writing and creating the lore behind actions in story. I feel tired, because of how the lore is comming out - things that characters (based on countries, yes i come from countryhumans) are doing are repetitive and boring.

(probably because im introverted lil bitch) Dialogs in my book come in three types: type one is this funny dialogs that are coloring my story up; type two being "deep" and "sad" dialogs that i still cant properly write😭 and so edgy that im throwing up fr; and three - i dont even know what are them but maybe are two i wrote above in one kind.

The easiest thing in writing my book is narrator. Third person, knows everything and sometimes says brilliant, or as you from the new generation says "silly" things. Cant explain them rn because it would be hard.

★

Honestly? I dont know what i have wrote. I was never reading my vents/complaints again. Theyre only in my life because i dont want to impose myself on people, bother them or worry about me. And because i want to stay as happy as i can! Im gonna leave it there, please share your opinions or even help me if you want to. Sincerely, belayapolosa.

Of course i will complete my list later, so stay tuned or smth.

[midwestemoismid]

i dont know what is wrong with me ok i just need to rant i know a lot of these words wont make sense im just copy and oasting messages i sent to my friend because im to lazy to type also bad grammer

bro i cant physically exist without pain what the fuck is wrong with me why am i like this oh my fucking god everything is so loud what the fuck why can i hear every single little noise why is everything screaming at me what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what theufjc fufikc fuck fuck fucj fuck why is everything so loud why is everything so loud why what the fucj also dont force yourself to rwply if you dont want to im just ranting because idk what else to do

omfg im gonna claw out my arms and lefs i swear to fucking god why am i always in pain

i hate laying on my back but if i lay on my side i have to keep switching everytime bc it starts to feel wrong and yneven

and anytime something brushes against me on an uneaven wag i freak out and irs so overstimulating

also impulsive thoughts fucking shck

its so bad when im overstimulated to like rn i cant look at things that are uneven ir it just bothers me i cant explain it but wtf

om js severely overstimulated, but im not overwhelmed and im rlly tired but i can sleep bc my brain is hyper and idk what to do or how to explain my deelings

bro i fucking hate impusive thoughts or iust existing because i was on a boat today and i had to close the window because all i could think about was theowinf soemthing important out the window or jumping out thw windoe anns i just couldnt mi dont fucmign know

everytjings so overstimulateding i dont know khow to deel with my problems

it feels like wverythings against me right now and i have the cinstant feeling of dread or if i an going to dies oom pleade i dont want to go please o dont want to fuckig die im scared to go to sleep because what kf i dont wake up ive been fucking forcing myself awake skmetimes because of the dread that im not going to wake up im afraid of death what the fuck is going to happen i dont know whats going on anymore why cant i lige in the moment why id time moving so fast why id everything going on i cant keep uo with everything im not okay rnw im not ok what the tukkf isngoing on on in onj dont know wholw to express my feelings or thoughts so im just typing wverything i tuonk without tmaftially thinking because i dont fucking care rn i jutst doknt knkw what to do im sfared i feel like something is out to get me i feel like imm trapped and alone o feel fucking lsot what is going on i sont fucking knkw im sfated scared who am i because i dont even fucming know am i actually real pr is thos all a dream becausre i dknt wevn fucking knkw at rhis point im so fixking scatd that egeruthing js fake and all these memlries lf existinf is fake im here right now but what jf im jot what if indont fucking know SHIT THE FUCK UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SUIT UP SHIT UP SHUT IL O AHYE THESE THOUGHTS I DKNT WAKNT TO THINKA BOUT DEATH OR WHAT HAPPENS I JUST WANT TO BE FUCMING NORMAL WHAT THE FICK IS WRLNG WITH ME.

also 4 the ppl ik irl/online on here plz dont he worried about me im ok this happens a lot i just need to sleep and calm down and shit ok jm ok these are just my constant tjought (om pretty sure a lot of this is caused by ocd i was told) also i am safe and im not gonna act on any harm against myself or anyone else bc its all impulsive thoughts and ik im not gonnq do anything

[starfilled-galaxy]

I really hope you don't mind getting this, I'm on roblox rn and theres some people trying to claim lesboys are straight boys trying to get into lgbtq+. I want to argue with them, but I don't know much about lesboys as i am not one myself. you're the first person who came to mind about this, cus you have stuff about it in your dni, how do i explain to them that they're wrong? or should I not bother because people on roblox are pretty stubborn about things like this.

hope you're having a nice day

You probably shouldn't bother... 99% of the time these kinds of people are too stubborn to listen to reason -w-;

Though, usually my counterpoint tends to be 1 specific example of how someone could be a lesboy, since while there's many ways for someone to be a lesboy I feel this one is the easiest for people against the idea to understand

Let's say there is a bigender person who is both a boy and a girl, and they are attracted exclusively to girls. They are a girl who loves girls, so they may consider themself lesbian. But they are still also a boy, meaning they're both a lesbian and a boy

Most of the time when people argue against it they say something like "oh they cant be lesbian bc they're still a boy though" (aka the type of bitches who say demiboys cant be lesbian bc they're partially a boy), which at that point I'd just completely give up on the conversation bc if they think that there's like no convincing them

But again, I highly doubt these ppl will listen to you anyway so you probably shouldn't try :/

Ty, I am, I hope you're having a nice day too ^^

[warpspeedgirl]

“Me asking wasn’t a big deal, I’m not going to bother explaining anymore” like okay?¿  I don't know what that even refers to because you didn't explain anything and I don’t know why you’re starting to get frustrated with me for having an APPROPRIATE response to how jacked up you were being and what you were saying to me. But you bothered to continue to tell me it was “one thing for the apartment” and that you couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t do it and passive aggressively telling me it’s “for the entire apartment”. You bothered to continue to explain the “only things you needed” after I already said no. You asked me to do something and I helped as much as I could and said I couldn’t help you with that today and you continued to talk to me about how it was just one thing and why you couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do it and passive aggressively “letting me know” it was an issue for the entire apartment which it never was. You were just panicked to get it done as soon as possible and you were assuming I was around and available to do all of that for you. 

You saying you’re “ not going to bother with speaking for me or saying I’m thinking or doing whatever” like I am trying to bother with that? Or ANY of this? I’ve never EVER been one to try to speak for you or anyone else. After all of the years and conversations we’ve had sharing and understanding eachother that’s your conclusion? That hurt. You’re not wording whatever it is you’re trying to say accurately and you’re implying things. What else am I supposed to think? That’s not on me. You bringing up the therapist to me made 0 sense. How was I supposed to interpret that other than you trying to further prove your point of it not being a big deal. Really think about that. You go back and look at how you say things.

I told you I shouldn't have listed what I've done for the apartment but it REALLY sucks that you couldn't understand how badly you hurt me and what words in the conversation from you lead to me feeling like I needed to defend myself in that way. You weren't being fair with your words to me at all. From very the beginning. I reacted and I wish I didn’t. Hindsight is 20/20.

So stop assuming I’m just speaking for you and assuming things for no reason and that I’m some illogical, irrational person making stuff up. Look at how you word things, it’s horrible. You don’t word things well and if I’m misunderstanding you, that’s why. You’re telling me to go back and look at how I said things. You need to go back and look at how YOU said things. I didn’t ask you anything about anything. 

I’m not “hurting myself” by ‘assuming’ things. Your ego is so out of control its blinding and you cant even see it. Youre being hurtful but being pushy and impatient and saying WILD wild things. You cant talk to people like that, and why would you talk to your best friend like that? You really hurt me by saying and implying these things at all, whether it was intentional or not. It was really ugly and so dismissive and insensitive for you to say. For you to say that Im just hurting myself after you clearly, went too far and hurt me. Again. It reminded me of last time when you said everything under the sun to defend yourself and your hurtful words except just finally acknowledging that you hurt me. That really hurt even more. You saying that and that I’m just assuming things and speaking for people just, again, showed me a lot about where you’re at or how your character currently is rn as well. You couldn’t see why I was saying what I was saying? You didn’t want to. This all started because you didnt get your way from me and felt entitled and slighted to know why. I even deeply thought about where you coming from with saying that. I saw why but It’s just still untrue and hurtful. And for me to say that holds a lot of corpulence, because I historically usually blame myself for everything. These incidents last year with you are not on me. How are you going to accuse me of speaking for you and not genuinely trying understanding AFTER EVERYTHING YOU SAID AND DID AND IMPLICATED. Girrrrl. No. Just no.

I wasn’t assuming about you pushing me to get it done- but why did you keep explaining after I said no, it comes across as you not respecting my no and thinking I should’ve just done it, like you said “you didn’t understand why, it was just one thing”. Your implying that.

I wasn’t just assuming that you thought I should’ve just done it and that it wasn’t out of the way- you literally said “I couldn’t understand why you couldn’t do it” and “it wasn’t an out of the way task at all” “I only needed you to do….” “It’s an issue for the apartment” because you weren’t here to do it and were assuming I would, like any of that even matters after I said no. What else would a person think. It’s 2+2=4. Deductive reasoning

I was not assuming about the whole therapist thing - why did you bring this up to me. Your implying things.

If you thought I was speaking for you about you saying you thought the task wasn’t out of the way and that I should’ve just done it- that’s how you comes across when you say things like “it wasn’t a big deal to ask” “it was just one thing for the apartment Adisa. If anything I’m just not going to ask you to do things anymore” and passive aggressively bringing up that it’s an issue for the entire apartment when it was your issue and experience and evidence and room the whole time. That is what prompted me to list the things I have done because I couldn’t believe you were going there with me after I said you’ll have to handle that one on your own. It’s actually crazy that I have to break things down like this and explain it so intricately. 

Your school stress- why bring that up like I’m not stressed too, if you know I get it why bring it up and that you had to take time to do it between classes, which you really didn’t you could’ve done it before or after. I said "I dont know why you think I don't understand school is hard" rhetorically because you saying "I called but it was still hard for me to do" is so ridiculous and it went over your head. Cry me a freaking river, or better yet, stop harassing me over your responsibility. Your explanation wasn’t still pushing me to do it but that’s how it came across you saying that you “could do it but i just wanted you to…. But it’s okay it was hard but I did it in between my classes” “it was just one thing I needed because I don’t have time” You don’t need to explain all of that and why it’s just one thing you needed after I already said no. You were always going to need to find time to do it in between your classes or another time because I was never going to as it wasnt my responsibility or issue to address. I know school is stressful and you wanted it done immediately but that still doesnt make it (and your emotions about it) my burden to bear after I already said no.

It wouldn’t have made ANY sense for you to list what you’ve done for the apartment because I didn’t ask you to do something and then continue to say I can’t understand why you couldn’t do it and that it was just one thing and bring up my therapist, after you said no. If you think it takes away from the issue at hand look at how you provoked these reactions just due to impatience and not getting your war. You have poor boundaries.

You thought I was assuming about you saying things with me effecting your space- why word it like ‘you can feel the energy shift regardless’. Yeah you feel the shift bc I don’t want to talk to you for quite a few months now. I JUST found out about the pregnancy and you never would’ve known until I told you and you wouldn’t have gotten it out of me. I regret telling you in frustration but I see why it happened like that. We were still talking like nothing was wrong because I had a private thing going on. You were right about that. But it’s not unreasonable for me to think you’re talking about your space because you said “I can feel the shift regardless”.

Me saying I’m not trying to piss you off. Those 20 something hurtful texts I woke up to gave the impression that yes, you’re pissed off. 

Do you see why I said the things I said? I was not just randomly speaking for you out of my ass or assuming things. I was responding to you. That was really just painful for you to keep repeating and having to read “stop speaking for me” like whaaaat. You’re starting every aspect of this. You saying there was no reason for it to be an issue and that we would’ve done it for eachother, and that you KNOW I would’ve done it otherwise, you’re speaking for ME. What else am I supposed to think or respond to the things you were saying? Seriously. I’m not speaking for you. I’m responding to the wild wild things you’re saying and implying and you really can’t see it. You were assuming I was available. You clearly weren’t prepared for me to say no or we wouldn’t be in this situation at all. Say what you mean and communicate in a matter that there’s no room for miscommunication and if there is don’t just blame it on me ‘speaking and assuming for people’. like I’m just talking out of my ass for no reason. Look at the words coming out of your mouth over this very, very minimal thing that you were just in a panic and rush about. Thats not on me, that’s on You. I should’ve just replying to you when it was clear you weren’t just going to drop it after I said I couldn’t help you. It’s crazy that you think I’m the kind of person to just speak for other people (especially you) after how long we’ve known each other and everything we’ve been through and what this argument was about and how you started it. You don’t want to go back and forth? Then don’t start saying things like it was just one thing you needed from me, that you knew I could do it, that you couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do it, that your case manager said it wasn’t a big deal to ask, that you’re just not going to bother asking me for anything anymore over ONE THHING THAT I ALREADY SAID I CANT DO HOURS AGO. You’re inciting ‘back and forth’. All of this is so beyond my natural self I can’t even believe I got caught up in it.

One of the crazy things about this whole thing is you know how chill and laid back of a person I am. I’m very quiet. So for things to get this far and for me to be responding to you in the way that I was, I was definitely provoked, and provoked for a while. The first few fucked up things you said (bringing up other people into this and repeating what you ‘needed’ from me, that it’s an issue for the entire apartment, and that I can come to you if I need help from the leasing office) and brought up I just let go, because I know you can be pushy. Have you ever known me to speak for you or other people in the 13+ years you’ve known me or when you’re sharing with me? Because I’ve known you to be aggressive and domineering in the way you speak to others in the time I’ve known you. I know it’s not usually malicious, it seems unconscious or just how you’re used to being, regardless, that’s how you come across big time. You can’t see how/why I would respond to you the way I did after. You took everything too far. Again. That’s a problem.

You continuing to passive aggressively bring up that “its an issue for the apartment’ was never going to change my mind or perspective. You admitted that you said that because it didn't seem like I saw it as an issue for the whole apartment. I obviously don't for very logical reasons and Im busy so just drop it. These comments aren’t helping your case. It just made me see you in a more similar light that I was already starting to in recent months. 

Part of why I don’t tell you personal things or share with you things going on my life besides chit chat is because we’re not that close anymore. You really hurt me after all of these years. I shared something painful with you and you continued to shut me down. I can’t force you to acknowledge it.

The last conversation didn’t go well because you made it about you and you and your ego denied hurting me. We weren't trying to solve anything. You were incessantly and aggressively trying to be "right" over something you were very wrong about and I was finally defending myself.

[meowsticmarvels]

OK SO short explanation of my thoughts bc im. quite frankly insane about this. no screenshots bc i cant be bothered to get any rn (doing schoolwork) but i'll cite specific parts of the game in case u wanna see for urself. also yes i will be using she/her for toshiro here. and spoilers of course

i think the Obvious point though is with ernesto and erina. the two are both fundamentally a part of toshiro's self; i'm not denying the eri inspiration because it is Very Obviously there also but it just feels a bit... interesting when you consider that both entities are meant to be her true self. and especially in the case of ernesto, it's not very common for personas to not match the "gender" of their user (though this is not to dissuade trans hcs for other characters i Also Have Those) (the only other instances i can name are sukuna-hikona (and its evolutions) with naoto i GUESS but i hc him as transmasc anyway, and nemesis with ken). but the case of sukuna-hikona and nemesis is because of the fact the deities they're taken from are like that. and probably because of naoto's whole gender fuckery thing (i don't like how atlus treated him but at least they gave him that..?). ernesto, however, is based on che guevara who is Not A Woman. ernesto was INTENTIONALLY gender inverted. i dont think ANY persona does this at least from my memory. you could argue it's bc of erina which is in turn based on eri SURE, but ernesto and erina are also partially parts of toshiro so.... hm.

that's certainly the strongest explanation i have but it's a bit more than that. i also want to call to attention some of the language some of the kingdom rulers use - notably marie and yoshiki - when addressing toshiro. yoshiki in particular refers to her a lot with incredibly gendered terms like "my boy" or "son" and puts a lot of emphasis on those (plus these also kind of reduce toshiro to a child). marie does at one point put a lot of emphasis on toshiro's physical appearance from what i remember and the entire depiction of their arranged marriage in General feels super like. cishetronomative. if that makes sense. like for example the wedding photos with her and marie almost reduce her to little more than just the status of being married to someone powerful which is Intentionally Objectifying as fuck. theres more cases in the story of the kingdom rulers dehumanizing or objectifying toshiro which fucks me up a bit but i wanted to point these out because it just feels interesting. these are born of HER cognition and how it feels the real life versions of the kingdom rulers view her. y'know? it's a detail that i'm not sure if it explains anything well but it says something when the cognitions based on abusers in toshiro's life refer to her in that way. perhaps.

it also does kind of enhance the themes and narrative of p5t actually? i mean it's not like trans hcs that dont and are just silly are Bad btw bc i have a fuck ton of those but toshiro in particular being trans really does add another layer to the story. like for one salmael's desire for humanity to Not Change too much or else things "bad will happen" and kind of Fuck This Guy In Particular attitude toward toshiro bc she's got erina to fight back - i dont know i feel like transitioning is Also A Kind Of Big Change isnt it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i would know! when i realized i was about 4~ years ago it changed a lot about how i viewed and percieved myself and everything It Changes A Lot!! that and toshiro's whole arc of learning to stand up for and live for herself rather than continue to be used by others around her is like. yeah. its already a GREAT message but adding the #Transgendor aspect as an act of rebellion and self-discovery becomes SO important.. as my twt mutual put it it is kind of like reclaiming and rediscovering HER identity now that she has control over her own life and everything. if that makes sense. like genuinely it just adds to the already insane story the game tells!!!!!!!

anyways um. yeah. im normal. also eritoshi yuri is real

said this on twt already but I NEED to know. how many of you here fw transfem toshiro kasukabe

[twcmccns]

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[dinkedupfink]

so hello yes im back and i read the whole jjk manga in like 3 days or so and i heart todou why are there no todou fics, so i decided i'd do it myself if others cant do it for me haha yes plus i felt like writing and there are like 0 asks that i feel like doing rn so pls send asks in or smth anyways onto the story or fic or whatever

Aoi Toudou x gn!reader soulmate au!

request? no

warnings: none, just fluff not proofread!

important info b4 reading!!

you also have jujutsu or however you say it. yours is plant based, a bit like hanami but you dont really suck the life juices out of plants much, well kinda. youre not at jujutsu tech because they dont know you and that you have jujutsu. from time to time you do defeat some curses if you bump into them while noone else is around, and youre about the same grade as Todou if you were to be ranked in power. its all self taught tho so not really because you havent discovered your true potential because you havent had anyone explain wtf it is to you and how to fully utilize your power yet. you do know Itadori though, but he doesnt want to bother you with the world of jujutsu unless you ask him about your "weird powers" (he's told you that he can take you to a place where you can learn about curses and jujutsu and such but you havent really taken up his offer because of your job).

------------------------------

Soulmates, a strange thing really if you think about it, the one person you're destined to be with, in this world how you know who your soulmate is is ny everyone having a unique gemstone in their skin somewhere on their body. the gemstone could be large or small, any colour (even multiple colours at once!), any shape, but each one was unique and only the same as their soulmates'.

Now we follow you. your gemstone was on your face, from you left side on the face jawline up to near your left eye. It had a form like vines that had grown up your face, but not smooth, they were rough looking and every twist and turn the vine-like gem had was sharp. The colour started with a dark plant like green, but further up turned a dark shade of purple. You guessed that the green and the shape was representing you, and the sharp edges and purple, your soulmate.

you were at your job, which you were also the owner of. you had 1 other employee, but you were the one who had the most shifts, since the employee was still in school and this was a part time job for them. the employee was none other than the one and only Itadori. His soulmate gem was on his forearm and he hadnt really shown you what it looked like but apparently he had found his soulamte already, a boy named Fushiguro something if your memory served you right. He mostly came on weekends to work, but occasionally he'd come from school and take a shift for you.

A humble boy, really, he was very worried about you the first time he met you because you were managing a plant store at such a young age, but you assured him it was fine because working wasnt something you were new to since your parents abandoned you when you were still a child, but left a shit ton money in your bank account so you could at least support yourself without a job till 18.

You were now 19 and had had this plant shop for about a year now (dont ask how its just fanfic logic okay) and the only reason you had been able to start the shop at all was because of these weird powers you held. you were able to manipulate plant life. you could also suck the life out of the plants, which you used to do sometimes to flowers in forests as "snacks" because it was basically a little energy boost, but you stopped when you realized the beauty of plant life.

the day had gone slowly, with little customers coming in, but you had some regulars that would come and have little conversations with you, because it was like "a breath of fresh air in a stuffy city" to them because of the plants growing around the shop or vines growing up the walls. most were old people but there were some young adults too.

It was about noon, when suddenly the bell chimed and a certain pink haired boy entered the shop. "Hey y/n! had a good day till now?" he said with a big smile. he was wearing a simple outfit since there was no school today because it was on a weekend. "Yeah, how about you Itadori? anything interesting happened over the past few days?" he had been to some sister school event which he hadnt explained too much about other than "physical activities".

"yeah! i was at the Kyoto Sister-School Goodwill Event that i told you i was going to! and it was, well half of it was pretty fun!" you smiled at the boy who was now leaning on the counter you were sitting at. "thats good, any reason half of it wasnt?" with that his face turned a bit sour for a second, before returning to normal "well.. there was a bit of a, interruption by some thugs and they were pretty strong, we werent too many people and it took a little while to get them to run off."

You felt bad for the boy since you had learned from hearing about his adventures at his school that not everything goes completely according to plan most of the time, but really what could you do? "Oh! before i forget, when my shift ends can i take you to the park? theres someone i met that i'd like you to meet." your eyes that were previously cast down on the counter shot up to him. someone he wants you to meet? who could it be? "uh yeah! sure! i'll go home and relax a little before while i wait for your shift to end but im coming back about-" you checked the clock on the wall above the enterance door "-15 minutes before your shift ends, is that okay?" you said. "Yeah! i'll see you then!" he said his goodbye and so did you as you proceeded to go back home after getting your things and changing out of your work attire in the shops back room.

--

time skip 2 when ur supposed to meet lolollol

--

you got into some clothes that were approapriate to go to the city in and started up your motorcycle after putting your helmet on and drove to the parking lot near your shop. The rest of the way you walked and in no time you were there.

Entering the shop resulted in a jingle of the bells over the door and itadoris attention was pulled to you. "Hello mx. y/n, what would thou like to look at today?" he said in an overly formal tone, sending a playful grin to you. "oh, i have come in promise of meeting a mysterious character that my friend oh so longs for me to meet!" you answered, playing along with his game. You then both had a little laugh and he went to the back room to get changed back to his normal attire and the two of you went out of the shop.

Before leaving, you locked the door and turned of the lights to properly close the shop to customers, and started walking to the park. "soo.. why do you want me to meet this guy?" you asked, curiousity getting the best of you. "You'll see when you meet him!" he just said, which made you even more curious about him.

arriving at the park a few minutes later, the two of you sat on a bench, where you talked for a little. The guy was supposed to come in about 10 minutes because he was on his way at the moment. suddenly a little tune came from the boy next to you's pocket and he fished out his phone to answer the call that set of the music. "Hey Gojo! oh, why? can it be a bit later, im a bit busy at the moment. oh well, if you insist, im coming in a few! see you!" and with that he hung up on the phone. "My tea- friend is really needing my help right now, so i cant be here when you two meet but i promise when you see the guy you'll know its him!" was the quick excuse he got out before running off as if someones life depended on it. "oh.. well bye." you muttered watching him run off behind some corner somewhere.

Todo babagrill pov:

my besto friendo had said yesterday that there was someone he wanted me to meet at the park that day, so i went to the park. halfway there he sends me a text saying Gojo called him in for something and that i had to meet the person he wanted me to meet by myself, he said that when i saw them i'd know it was them though, so im hoping he's right.

-------

Arriving at the park, i see that he-S abseloutely right. Sitting on a bench is the most beautiful/handsome/the prettiest person ive ever seen in my entire life, and on the face was a very familliar gemstone that matched mine. "Hey!.. youre the one Yuuji wanted me to meet, right?" i half yelled to the person, their eyes quickly locking upon mine, and at that moment, it felt like there was nothing lese in the world for a few moments but us, and before i knew it we were standing in the middle of the park path in each others embrace. i never thought i could be this gentle towards anyone but takada-chan, but i guess this is the soulmate bonddoing its thing huh.

"Somehow you give off the exact vibe that i expected you to" the person in my arms, correction, my soulmate chuckled. "And im guessing you have some plant thing going on?" "yeah haha, i just cant believe this is real, like, that kid found my soulmate before me! but im glad he set us up to meet each other."

we then seperated from the hug, deciding to hold hands instead, and decided to go and get to know each other over a dinner. Man, soulmates are really cool, arent they?

hahaha yeah so that was it, sorry if some parts were better than others i wrote this over like 2 or 3 days i cant remember and sometimes i wrote later at night than others so really sorry if its kinda shit. but thanks for reading, bye!