#i cannot get over this and i don't think i ever will
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self-care night (sevika x fem! reader)
contents: after the battle and after losing jinx and isha, you take it upon yourself to take care of sevika, giving her a much needed quiet night. total fluff, you and sevika are married, post seaosn 2 finale, sevika is finally taken care of like she deserves <3
wrd count: 1.6k
a few mornings ago, sevika had her first day on the job as a councilwoman.
caitlyn gave up her seat on the council to give sevika the opportunity to speak up for zaun.
she came home that evening angry as anything. the other councilpeople acted like she didn't even exist.
and when she was able to speak up, her requests went in one ear and out the other.
when she received the opportunity to have a seat on the council, we were thrilled. but after that day, she's been trying hard not to blow up on everyone and confirm their suspicions of what would happen with a zaunite on the council.
tonight, i made her a warm and filling meal and set up the bathroom with candles and pleasant soaps so she can take a relaxing bath.
i was sitting on the couch reading a book when she came home.
she closes the door and looks up at me. "hi." she mutters.
"hey. another long day?" i ask her gently.
"tch.. you tell me." she joked. she sat down at the kitchen table that was just beside the front door to yank her boots off her feet.
i close my book and placed it aside before walking over to her. as she struggled to untie the laces of her boots, i cupped her face so she could look up at me.
"sorry, honey." i muttered before i kissed her. "at least you get the weekend off." i said as i looked at her face. she smiled gently before i crouched to untie the laces of her boots.
"hey, i was doing that." she chuckled as i threw them on the doormat. "i'm not helpless."
"just let me take care of you." i smiled. i look at her once more. "why don't you wash up for dinner. i was able to make your favorite tonight." i said to her as i stepped away to check on the food on the stove.
i hear her come up beside me and take a look at the food that's simmering.
"damn.. all this for just us?" she said.
"yeah. i know you skipped out on lunch, so you must be starving." i said as i stirred the meat on the saucepan.
"how'd you know i skipped lunch?" she asks me. i looked up at her. "i always do. now, go. wash your hands." she laughs softly before washing her hands in the sink.
i quickly plate everything for her and place ehr food at the table just as she sits down. once i set everything down, i went to plate my own food.
i turned to go sit down and i saw she hadn't touched anything in front of her. didn’t even move to pick up her fork. "what are you waiting for? eat." i chuckled.
"i'm waiting for you, dummy." she chuckled, picking up her fork. i smiled at her as i settled into my seat.
dinner was quiet but nice. i left music playing on the radio as i watched her enjoy her meal like she hasn't had one in forever.
"this is.. amazing, honey. shit, i was starving." she said after slamming her cup of water down. i chuckled lightly.
"i can tell." she smiles softly at me. after she got some food in her system, she talked to me about her stressful day as she waited for me to finish my meal.
"they don't know.. anything about what life is like down here. hell, half of them think we've grown up in sewer pipes." she said quickly.
"they cannot be serious." i shook my head lightly. "you would think they're stupid at first glance." she jokes.
"maybe once they have someone with common sense on the council, they'll make better decisions."
"yeah.. it's gonna take a while though." she hums. i watch her soft expression that is rarely ever seen. i love my wife.
after washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen, i went nad ran the bath for her while she was occupied in our room, cleaning her mechanical arm.
once i lit the last candle and turned off the lights, i went to our room to see her at her desk tinkering with the screws and nooks and crannies of her arm.
"hey, vika?" i said softly.
"hm?" she looks up at me from her device. "i ran you a bath. come on." i muttered
she smirks over her shoulder. "oh yeah?"
"don't be gross. it's not like that." i chuckled.
"oh.. damn.." she grumbled. "come on." i laugh. she follows me to the bathroom and i stand, leaning on the doorway
"you can stay there for however long you want. just relax, alright?"
"whoa.." she gasped lightly at the acne in the bathroom.
she looks down at me. "i- you didn't have to do all this." she hummed.
i shrugged. "you're right. but i wanted to."
she smiles. she wraps her arm around me while i do the same with both of mine.
"i don't deserve you. seriously." she hummed after planting a kiss on my head.
"yeah, you do." i said softly.
i sat in our room while sevika took her bath. as i was flipping through the pages of my book, i remembered i had gone out and bought a scrub. at a shop up on topside, so it's bound to be good.
i found it and went to the bathroom to give it to her. i knocked before walking into the dimly lit bathroom. she was sitting in the bath with her hair guarding her eyes from being seen at the side.
"i bought this scrub today and thought you might like it." i said softly. “you did? why?”
i sat on my knees as i unscrewed the top of the bottle. “it reminded me of you. here, smell." i said to her.
i held it up to her nose and she took a quick whiff before humming. "it's nice.. like pine." she said.
she went to grab it but i pulled it away. "let me." i said.
"come on, honey. i can clean myself just fine." she chuckled softly. "no one's saying you can't. i just wanna do it for you."
i look at her eyes before moving her strands aside. "you can't get your back anyway." i said.
she rolled her eyes. "alright.." she hummed. i got up to find a stool and sat on it as i took a seat beside the tub, sitting behind her.
the smell of snowy pine trees quickly invaded our noses as i massaged the scrub into her scarred back.
looking at her muscles and scars, i imagined what it must be like to be her. to experience her life.
her mother died at birth, father died even later. no siblings to mourn with her.
a best friend turned boss. now dead also.
two young girls that were like her daughters, dead too.
i feel like if i followed that same fate, she would end up offing herself.
so much loss in her life. and she still stood strong every day without fail.
"why are you doing all this?" she spoke up quietly.
"hm?" i said as i rinsed off the soap crystals.
"the dinner... the bath, everything you did tonight." she said.
"i'm your wife, vika. it's what i enjoy doing." i said softly.
there was a beat of silence.
"it feels strange being taken care of like this. " she admitted.
i poured water over her back again, watching the tiny crystals fall into the water.
“i know..” i said softly.
she shifts in the water, bringing her knees up to her chest.
"sevika, you've devoted your entire life to bringing justice to our people. i've watched you take care of others, put their lives over your own.." i said, glancing over at her scarred stub that used to carry her left arm.
i gently massaged the scrub over it, letting the scent sink into her skin.
"it's like that's all you know how to do." i hummed.
"after a while, you forget how to do anything else." she said quietly.
"that's why i want to take care of you. while you learn how to pick yourself up again." i said, pouring water over her shoulder.
i’ve reminded her of this since we first got married. while she tells me she believes me, sometimes it slips.
“you know, people look at you and see a terrifying old woman who can kill them with just a look.. and you are.” i said, to which she laughed softly.
“but when i look in your eyes. when you hug me in the night when ere sleeping, all i see is a sweet girl who’s in need of love. and i want to give it to her.”
“so, while you're out there looking after the lanes… i’ll be here at the end of every day to take care of you.” i said.
i rinse off the last of the soap from her shoulders and leaned back slightly.
“okay?”
she’s quiet for a second but turns her head slightly. “yeah.. okay.” she hums.
i moved from my seat and sat next to her. i reached out to her chin and turned her head slightly to kiss her cheek. “i love you, you old softie.” i muttered.
she looks at me with tears welling up in her eyes.
“i love you. so much.” she said quietly.
i held her face in my palm as i scanned her face before i kissed her lips. i pull away from her and smile softly. “you finish up here, alright?”
i left her int he bathroom and waited for her in our bed.
it was slightly cold, i just put on the freshly washed sheets, a new fuzzy blanket, and lit a candle that made the room smell like sugar cookies.
she was dead asleep in seconds.
a/n: i need to put sevika in my pocket, i love her and she deserves the world.
#sevika x reader#sevika arcane#sevika arcane season 2#arcane#sevika x you#arcane sevika#sevika my love#sevika fluff#arcane fluff#sevika fic#sevika x y/n
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sonic movie 3 thoughts (spoilers below for. literally everything basically + these thoughts are very sporadic)
I cannot express into a fully comprehensive english sentence how much I love this movie. I'm not even kidding, I think it's one of my favourite movies... ever! it tops raggedy ann and andy, it tops nimona, it tops deadpool and wolverine, it tops the mario movie, and dare I say my sam and max spinterest may get drowned out because of this movie... I'm never leaving this fandom tho. I am chained here LMAOOO
I absolutely ADORED all the scenes with shadow and maria! the movies highlighted their relationship perfectly, and I loved how shadow and maria looked up at the stars instead of looking down on earth on the ark because well. yknow. points to the arc-shaped hole in the movie. when she died I kinda felt like that video of that hazbin hotel fan crying over angel dust but um! we don't need to talk about that ^_^
also I fucking HATED gerald. I know we're supposed to but like I wanted to punch through the movie screen and choke him istg HE PISSES ME OFFFFF RAAAAAAAAAAAH
ok. normal now I swear. the chao garden! I loved the chao garden, and when team sonic all wears those chao mascot heads 😭😭😭 THEY LOOKED SO STUPID (SLASH POS) I LOVE THEM
also they said. a lot of things a lot of times. half of the time I was telling my mum "THE FUNNY HEDGEHOG SAID THE THING!" even though she has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about LMAOOOO. especially when sonic said "ok hot topic" I know it was in the trailers but I did not expect a snapcube reference
THE MOON SCENE. I AM NOT KIDDING I HAD MY JAW WIDE OPEN. AND THEY ADDED LIVE AND LEARN??? YOU PESKY FILM MAKERS I THOUGHT THEY WEREN'T GONNA BE IN THE MOVIE BUT YOU GOT MEEE YOU GOT ME GOOOOOOD. that scene was genuinely majestic, when the sun rises over the two of them and then shadow grabs his hand and they go super??? hello??? do you want me to go crazy??? (spoiler alert: I went crazy)
eggman and shadows sacrifices did make me a little upset not gonna lie... stone didn't even get to say goodbye properly :(( please let stone enter his villian arc next movie I think he deserves one... at least we know shadows coming back!
speaking of the next movie, AMY AND METAL!!!! I was straight TWEAKING when amy revealed herself. movie amy looks so fucking awesome GRAAAAAAAAAAAH I WILL GO INSANE!!!!! who do you guys think is gonna voice her? for some reason I can't stop thinking of movie amy as british? london being in this movie has corrupted me.... the british are invading yet another territory: my mind.
overall, this movie was so so good and I absolutely cannot wait for the next one! sonic 4 here we come!!!
no, not you episode 3
#sonic movie 3 spoilers#sonic movie 3#sonic#sonic the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog#knuckles the echidna#miles tails prower#gerald robotnik#eggman#GOD I AM ADDING TOO MANY TAGS (I will keep going)#sonadow#hehehe ok anyways#amy rose#metal sonic#stobotnik#JUST MAKE THEM CANON SEGA GOOD LORD
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Consequences
(A character study/analysis that kind of stumbled its way into being a drabble?)
I absolutely love when people play around with the consequences that Jack and Janet's neglect would have on Tim, and the ways it would foster a desperation for affection/attention with little to no regard for the cost or consequences. But I hate when people write it off as, "Bruce saves sad sad Tim from his neglectful parents. Tim finally gets the love he wants and deserves. They live happily ever after." (I'm using affection and attention interchangeably here to denote the same concept of positive recognition)
Because, while i do absolutely think that Tim's neglect, coupled with the intrinsic human desire for companionship and positive attention, would result in a desperation for affection. I don't think it would be that two dimensional. I think that instead Tim with end up with a really complicated relationship with affection.
I think it would play out more like, Pre-Bruce Tim really wanting affection, fantasizing about being saved/cared for, and constantly oscillating between self blame + fear that he brought his neglect upon himself and anger or resentment towards his parents for neglecting him.
But then post-adoption? (induction? whatever?) Tim, watching his fantasies be fulfilled and being absolutely revolted by it. Tim who craves affection so badly, deflecting or avoiding attention and affection when he does get it. Being uncomfortable when faced with the same acts of care he'd spent years yearning for. Running from family dinners and movie nights and any form of platonic intimacy, locking himself away in his room and isolating to avoid the discomfort that bubbles under his skin.
But also immediately regretting it. Locking himself away only to sit in his bedroom and yearn for something that's right outside of his door. Pushing away anyone's attempts to be close to him or care for him, but then being devastated when people pull back and give him space.
Him sneaking out and going to parties, acting out, breaking things all over the manor all for the same attention he pushed away when spoon fed. Him having no regard for consequences because everything he breaks could be replaced, and the worst that could happen to him when he sneaks out is ending up sick, and thus not expecting to be punished or reprimanded.
Because of this, I really see Tim being entirely caught off guard when presented with punishment and consequence. Begging Bruce not to bench him, apologizing, desperately trying to bargain, barter, or hell blackmail his way out of trouble, all to no avail.
And Tim subsequently throwing a literal tantrum as he realizes there's no getting out of this. Because this is the first time Tim has ever been faced with a punishment that contains no loophole or means of negotiating his way out. A punishment he KNOWS will be personally fufilled/carried out by Bruce. Unlike Janet and Jack's approach that Tim is used to, where they rarely cared enough to even remember the punishment, not to mention follow through. Meaning Tim's being faced with, for all intents and purposes, his very first real consequence/punishment as a result of his actions. And that, the unequivocal nature of his punishment makes Tim feel trapped. It’s suffocating, terrifying, and entirely uncharted territory for Tim, which results in his 14 yr old grown ass literally throwing himself on the floor sobbing begging Bruce to let up. Because he feels so absolutely helpless in his situation, he's begged and he's pleaded and he's tried everything he could think of and none of it's working and he has no idea what to do with himself, how to react. He cannot comprehend his newfound lack of autonomy at all and it results in him literally melting down on floor of the manor hoping that it will somehow change the circumstances, or at the very least relieve the caged desperation thrashing in his chest.
And Bruce is absolutely shellshocked to see this 14 yr old straight up collapse into tears so, for a couple seconds, he's just kind of frozen, not sure what to do. And this only upsets Tim more, because on top of the insufferable affection and now overbearing rules and damning punishments, Now? When Tim needs him the most? Is when Bruce decides he's done with the whole caring parent act? Now is when he's being deprived of affection and soothing? When it's the only thing that could possibly make the world around him stop spinning?
And the further frustration manifests in like, the meltdown evolving from just crying and a bit of kicking, to incoherent and self destructive distress. Head hitting, hair pulling, biting, scratching, clawing at himself anything to make the feeling go away, anything to distract him from the fact that everything is wrong and awful and miserable and there's no escaping any of it.
And it's this transition into physically harmful behavior that snaps bruce out of his little trance and has him bending down to meet Tim on the floor. Shushing him and trying his best to comfort Tim knowing full well that every other instance in which he's tried this has ended with Tim making a break for it before Bruce could get more than a sentence out.
Except this time is different. This time Tim is tiny and helpless and heartbreakingly overwhelmed thrashing on the floor. This time Tim is that tiny broken 5 year old, begging the parked cars in the garage to bring his parents back. This time Tim doesn't *want* the comfort, he *needs it*.
And he clings to it like a lifeline. His arms are trembling in Bruce’s hold, and he continues to thrash and fight for a minute, as he fights for shuddering wet breaths. But after a few seconds of soothing, the fighting subsides, and Bruce drops his wrists in favor of wrapping the boy in a hug. Tim refuses to let him go. For the rest of the night.
Yet another,Obligatory self-promo for my DC agere discord server
Join it! Come harass me for fics, hcs, and drabbles personally ‼️ /silly
#batfam#batman#batfamily#batman comics#sfw agere#agere blog#agere headcanons#batman agere#discord server#agere discord#agere server#age regression#agere#fanfic#tim drake#tim drake agere#age regressor#bruce wayne#red robin#dc robin#timothy drake#tim drake wayne
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I am currently laying in bed with a fever unable to sleep and Jerejean is haunting my brain...
I can play this lil scene in my head where Jean has been kinda off all day. Flinching away from everyone, hesitant to look anyone in the eyes, nearly shoved Jeremy to the ground because he accidentally snuck up beside him. After they get home Jean goes straight for his room, not bothering to turn on the light, he just hides away behind a mostly closed door. Jeremy notices the crack letting a little light in and takes it as an invitation. 'He cant really want to be alone if he didnt lock us out, maybe I can do something' so Jeremy creaks the door open and Jeans sitting on the floor, back against the bed with his head on his knees.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He doesnt respond "I cant help if I dont know the problem." He stirs a bit at this but doesnt move.
"This. You, the girls, I dont know how much i can handle" Jeremy barely hears him, he doesnt ever actaully open up, not fully. The panic sets in because Jeremy cannot mess up this opportunity, hes letting him help. But he doesnt understand what he means, so he walks over and sits across from him.
"What did we do wrong, so we can fix it. The last thing we want is to hurt you"
"Thats it, you haven't. I keep waiting for the other foot to drop, for someone to snap. I am Jean Moreau, I have never had...this. Kindness, the feeling of being..."
"Loved. Jean you are loved. By me, by Cat and Laila and Kevin. The pretty girl in the picture and I'm sure so many more. I know that must be terrifying given what you have endured, but that doesn't mean its bad. We will teach you how to be loved." Jeremy reaches out to him, gently making him look up. "You are going to be okay. Maybe not now, but one day" Jean looks up at him with tear filled eyes, so close to breaking. Unable to think of any other proof he could give him, he gives him a soft kiss on top of his head. Jeremy doesnt miss the jagged breath Jean takes and for a moment he thinks he messed up, but in the quietest voice hes ever heard from him, Jean asks "again?" So he does, he kisses his forehead, then his temple, his cheek, the other cheek, then he pulls his hands up and litters kisses over the scars on his knuckles.
"You are Jean Moreau" another kiss to his left hand "and you do not have to be scared." He leans forward and kisses his nose, "You are my Partner," the scar on his eyebrow, "you are Cat and Laila's roommate," The tears fall, "you are not a raven," he kisses those away, "and you are not what they did to you." Holding his face in his hands Jeremy makes him look him in the eye, "You are Jean Moreau and you deserve to be loved." To this, he lets it all out, breaking into a silent sob and he wraps himself around Jeremy, so he pulls him closer, puts a hand in his hair and whispers "I got you" over and over until he falls asleep.
I don't even know of this would be in character, I am not lying when I say I am delusionally sick, but I really hope we get another, more in depth moment of Jeremy conforming Jean (or vice versa 👀) 19 was a rough age for me and I didnt go through a quarter of the truama he did, he honestly needs so many more hugs.
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So I was thinking about how my Quizzy would handle the crestwood breakup after she bullied/beg Morrigan into teaching her how to be a shapechanger (entirely begged, promised to harass her about it constantly until taught) (refused to ever let it go until taught how to shift with her physical body having already learned how to shift her spirit in the fade running after dreams/memories and spirits with Solas) so she's refusing to spend time as an elf (partly to stop crying, later to hide the missing vallaslin) and being a person sucks right now so she's mostly chilling as a fox, occasionally shifting bigger when something tries to fuck with her.
Well, Cole notices her in the fade at one point and knows something is wrong when she runs away from him. So he gets Varric, Dorian and Iron Bull who were all supposed to meet her in Crestwood in a week to give her and Solas some time together, and tells them they have to GO NOW!
But once they track her down, she doesn't want to get caught and I can't stop thinking about the scene
Cole: "Inquisitor!"
Varric: "That's a fox, Kid."
Inquisitor fox looks over, noticing them, eyes lock with Cole, realize they cannot handle compassion on top of how raw they feel right now and BOLTS
Dorian: I mean, she has been studying wild magic but I don't think...
Cole: "No, it's her," he says running after her now, "and she's getting away!"
Cue scene of Cole chasing fox Quizzy yelling LET ME HELP YOU!!!!!!!!
#dragon age#solavellan#solas romance#dragon age spoilers#dragon age inqusition spoilers#dragon age inquisition#dorian pavus#cole#cole dragon age#varric tethras#dragon age varric
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I'm so super curious can you tell me more about your interpretation of Yuusaku as a character ^_^
oh thank you for asking! tbh i haven't given yuusaku all that much thought compared to other characters, but i tend to ramble when no one is there to stop me, so this will probably still end up lengthy. (edit from the future: it did)
because of my latest fic and a previous ask, one might get the impression that i dislike him, but i don't. i don't feel one way or the other about him, he's fun to me as a tool for writing ogata and that's about it (same for vasya but this ain't about him). but! ever since i've written 'all that loves you', i've been thinking about the juxtaposition of his good intentions and the more sinister undertones of his worldview, and that's a juicy contrast to sink my teeth into.
on the one hand, he's a naive sheltered kid, a victim of his father and his country. i cannot in good conscience prescribe him ill intent. i believe he suffered at the hands of his father as ogata has suffered -- he was raised an unquestioning lamb to the slaughter and sent off to charge head-first into said slaughter over and over and over until his inevitable end.
not his father, not tsurumi, not ogata, not any other soldier saw him as a person. being disdained for who you are and put on a pedestal for the very same thing are both a kind of dehumanization. he was never hanazawa yuusaku the man to anyone, only a symbol, either in life or in death. even to the story, he's nothing but ogata's plot device. he's barely there. hell, he's nothing but ogata's plot device to me. talk about tragedy.
he wasn't given much time or chance to break out of what he's been taught. all that bullshit about duty and purity and having to be a symbol of both -- when it's all you've ever known, it'll stick. maybe, the inevitability of all i'm about to describe makes him tragic all the more.
and yet!
he is not any naive sheltered kid. he is a japanese soldier in china in 1904. he is dying and leading others into death for a brutal imperialist landgrab. you could argue about how much agency he has over the fact and over his convictions (as a ukranian in russia and the child of an officer, i've had PLENTY of that argument), but i'm not gonna do that here. whatever your stance, the outcome is the same: he's an enthusiastic participant to something truly horrible.
and in the midst of it, his desire to preserve his "purity" comes off as absurd and self-delusional. i'm not arguing for murder; i'm arguing that his belief in this abstract purity, that he has one to maintain in the first place, and, by extension, that he's the only soldier around who should do it makes him extremely out of touch. i've written about this from ogata's perspective in 'this weapon wants' and 'all that loves you': while ogata doesn't think much of the war they're in, he does see a holier-than-thou attitude in the way yuusaku refuses to kill. it's as if he's the only one who can and should keep his hands clean in an inherently dirty ordeal. yuusaku may not himself be an arrogant man, but arrogance does follow from his worldview.
there's a different, more sinister side to this i've explored in 'all that loves you', which i remember you (the author of the ask) (god i hope you're still reading) have read! the world is complex. you cannot let black-and-white thinking dictate your actions without eventually stumbling into a whole lot of harm, whether to others or to yourself. murder is a terrible act, yes. but some people need to be stopped, and for some of them, murder is the only way to do it. if you (the person reading this) haven't read 'all that loves you', it puts yuusaku's views to the test in this exact scenario. and the result is. well. quite fucked up. and it follows pretty seamlessly from what we see of yuusaku in canon, so make of that what you will.
speaking of which, you know how he tells ogata that people like him shouldn't exist while embracing him? also fucked up. yuusaku has the best of intentions, and there's not a chance in the world he has the awareness to go "ok not feeling the emotion of guilt doesn't inherently make you Wrong", but the fact remains: he assumes ogata shares his presumably universal morals and ends up playing right into his insecurity.
there's also yuusaku lacking the self-awareness to know that he's imposing on ogata with his affection. i'm extrapolating here, but i feel like yuusaku's simplistic worldview only allows for affection=good! desirable! and he doesn't stop to question whether it's welcome.
to that: a friend of mine has pointed out once that this astounding inability to read the room could be due to autism. genius take in my opinion. seeing how strong, rigid morals are also an autism thing, i'm convinced now that autism runs in the family. diversity win?
so yeah, to sum this all up, yuusaku has been set up to fail, and fail he did. he's naive, kind, well-intentioned, he's as much of a victim as his brother, but all sorts of messed up things follow from his beliefs and his actions.
and i just think that's neat.
#golden kamuy#hanazawa yuusaku#god. so many letters. i am so sorry dear tumblr user vvindication#note to anyone reading: don't ask me open-ended questions#“i'm not arguing for murder” (1 paragraph later) *argues for murder*#ask
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I'm home from Metallica and I am SOBBING my eyes out. Dream concert, a show I waited my whole life to see... Wowza
#dont mind me#I'm just so emotional#one of my favorite bands of all time#and the band that truly kept me alive as a teenager...#seeing them feels surreal#it was such a fucking fantastic show!#and for it to have been a two concert weekend with two completely different setlists.#i saw every single song i wanted them to play save one i knew was a longshot anyway#I'm so 😭😭😭😭😭#i cannot get over this and i don't think i ever will#Metallica ily#James............. seeing you live i understand now.#i think you were the blueprint all along
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pick your battles
#my art#my stuff#art#comic#original art#pride 2024#pride month#trans allegory..... or not even allegory. just trans .... ^_^#i technically cannot come out yet but i don't think the people who i need to not see this stalk my tumblr#i know they stalk everything else like my twitter and my instagram but this might be safe#so fuck it we yap. this is a comic about picking your battles#this is a comic about how for almost a year now everyone at home in singapore has been crying about my sore throat#my terrible fucked up voice. my you know. etc#i came out as not cis and using they/them pronouns in 2015 when i was 14#but no one ever used my pronouns. none of my classmates or friends even up until i left for college in 2020#from 2020 onwards every year i wrote an angry vulnreable essay about how much it hurts that they dont remember#and people would dm me apologizing on their hands and knees and commending my bravery#and then forget about it all over again. id ont mean 'they misgender me and then catch it and apologize and correct themselves'#i mean they dont even get that far#and so you might ask yourself: why have you kept them around all this time?#and i would have to explain that by pure bad luck i grew up in the most conservative close minded community#that all of my ex classmates that stayed in singapore are cishet and upper middle class and chinese singaporean#that i Am the trans person. that they were able to ignore me for a decade partially because there was no one else#so this is a comic about how there is dignity and grace in staying in the closet sometimes#about how not everyone deserves to see you at your happiest. about how some people can go fuck themselves#you know your truth and THATS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!!! YEAH!!! i love you
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nnnnnnnnnnnnno maa'am
#my want to draw traditionally literally split me open for the past week and leaves me literally depressed i'm so serious i can't even look -#- @ my art programs without wanting to throw up omfg should;ve never picked up those pencils#but it's ok i just needed a nap#something so relatable about them i think nelvas has something in it for everyone meanwhile eltl is secluded art museum.#it's very possible to walk around in neloth's and talvas' brains but eltl is off limits. they will NOT! get no drawings like this outta me#wtf r they thinking ........#< eltl not nelvas#something nobody on dis earth can understand ..........#talvas wants to live he likes living but neloth's presence is so strong that it overrides and deletes his will to live.#bruuuuuuuuh#i bet the feeling of neloff is in everything he does if they ever part ways he won't be able to fold clothes or anythign without wanting -#- 2 cry . for what reason . idk bc neloth once yelled at him for folding clothes like shit .what am i on rn#(talvas thoughts mode) I want this old man to hug meeee😢😢😢#NELOFF DO IT and smash him too before i do it first .#me and neloth are the same person tho so it doesn;t matter but w/e#i'm getting emotional over them right now this cannot be real#i love her .... (Skyr1m)#i opened the game for .5 minutes today to take pics of a character uight what a beautiful game.#Te/s having such extensive lore ruins the whole entire game and the franchise but whatever . skyr1m is an art piece that's just how i feel#also this might be a very hard pill to swallow for some people but t*lvas is literally a kin Vessel for young women that keep getting -#- hit on by men twice or thrice their age when they're just trying to live their life .#this feels so profound to me i need dis shit inmy discord bio right NOEW.#Talvas................................#(eyes watering) (holding palm out)#suicide //#just in case but this tag would've gone crazy with my drawings of ulfr*c from late 2022 where i drew him with slit wrists. very artsay#is it not. i didn't like neither of those drawings tho i need to revisit cus i can feel ulfr*c on a diffaraaant level#when will i run out of tags. the way you can tell i just LUH talvas look at me drawing his hair in that second pic 😑BRU#look at me also trying to replicate pencils digitally in the first.. hmmm i don't hate it#at least it soothes me and i don't have pencil withdrawal
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I am actually. I am so emotional over the Salazar parents and I need to share this to tumblr too.
A lot of stories where the MC is adopted I feel. Either dismiss the biological parents and the impact they have on the kid's life, or makes them evil and abusive, framing the loss of the bio parents as a good thing, or at least something we shouldn't think about just look at this new family.
But Genrex doesn't do that. From the start, Rex wanted to find out more about his parents - it's one of his primary character motivations, next to helping people. He loves them, even though he doesn't know them.
And the more he finds out about them, the more he realizes they loved him. Rylander is consumed by guilt but as Rex's first connection to his pre-Event life, the first thing he does is hug him. And when he tells Rex about his parents, the two things Rex knows is that 1) they were scientists, and 2) that when he was in danger, they were desperate enough to use their secret, experimental technology to save him. Technology built from their desire to help the world, to save countless lives and end countless suffering.
And then. When he finds out that they were dead, he doesn't stop caring. It'd be so easy, too, to tie it up there - his parents were good people, he got his answer about them, the end. But they don't. He doesn't. Because the show is saying once again that they are his parents. He still calls them mom and dad, even as the show makes it clear Holiday and Six adopted Rex as their son. Even as the show even parallels Six and One with Rex and Six (and I will talk about that more later if I don't forget, trust me), to really drive home how much they're family. Rex even says he considers the two of them family, and later that he considers Noah, Claire and Annie family.
He has new family, the show tells us, but his old family still matters to him. He's upset that he never has the chance to meet his parents, that everything he hears about them, about his time with them, is secondhand knowledge. It tells us clearly that not only does Rex still love them, but that he still wants to know them. And everything we find out about them reinforces the love that they had for each other.
We see Abuela and the family in Mexico, who connect him to his birth family and tell him that he was so loved back then, and still is now. We see their office in Abysus through Rex's eyes. The picture of him and his dad on his desk. The drawing Rex drew, proudly pinned to the wall.
We see it in the familiarity of the drawing. That that robot, that build, was what Rex created when he was lost and scared and alone - that it was made to keep him safe. That it first appeared in his mind in a place he felt safe.
The show says, tenderly and softly, that the love is still there. That the fact these people died was nothing but a tragedy, that their love is a big part of what made Rex who he is today - that every molecule in his body is filled with their final gift to him. That every time he cures someone, every time he uses a build, every time he makes a machine - we see the love that they had for him.
And the way he quietly absorbs his father's face. The way he freezes and whispers "Mamá?" when he finds out Zag-Rs has their mother's voice. The fact that she even has her voice as a testament to Caesar's love, too - that it was meant to bring comfort and safety. The way Rex yells at Caesar when he finds out they have a family property, a connection to their past, the way he fights to protect it.
And, none of this takes away still from Six and Holiday being Rex's family too. None of this removes the work either set of parents did for him, the love either set has - the show says that it was unfair that the Salazar parents were lost. That Six and Holiday are not replacements, that they still love him as parents but play different roles in his life. They can not, and have no desire to, replace the Salazars. But Rex needs parents, he needs protectors, and so they will do what they can for him - at first out of necessity, to keep this kid they barely know safe, but then out of love. They aren't replacing what was lost, but are doing their best to do what Rex's bio parents would do. And they do mess up in it - they mess up in ways Rex's bio parents might not have. Six is clearly bad with showing affection, affection we saw the Salazars give Rex so easily, and Holiday is overworked and stressed constantly, sometimes breaking under the pressure and snapping at Rex and Six, things we never saw the Salazars do.
It's just. It's about how sometimes things will not be the same. They will be different. That doesn't mean the people you lost aren't still with you.
#This is also. Why I dislike the 'Rex was secretly made for the nanite experiments the accident was a lie' theory so much#Bc it assigns malice where the show says over and over again there was only love.#That this was only ever a tragedy of good people whose good intentions were manipulated and twisted.#And I think giving them something shitty to have done in the past especially goes against the message of the show's perspective on adoption#The family we choose is not always stronger than the family we are born to. Sometimes they are equal in different ways.#Rex's bio parents are gone but not replaced. They have also shaped who he is#Six and Holiday are just picking up where they left off. Because they have to.#Also I don't like the theory that Rex's parents are EVOs somewhere bc I think it diminishes the impact of the tragedy too.#I get. Wanting them to have a happy ending. But I think it's important to realize that this is the closest they can have to a happy ending.#Some things cannot be replaced. Or fixed. Sometimes life takes what we love and what loves us. And that is okay.#It is okay to be upset at that and it is okay to never fully move on.#'What about Caesar?' I have. Another post's worth of thoughts about him.#But I think he's also a character who is defined more by Rex by their relation and defined by the story by his guilt#I think he is the closest thing Rex has to a shitty bio family member and he is shitty in plenty of ways#But he's also a parallel to Rex in a lot of ways. He fails where Rex succeeds bc of it.#generator rex#genrex#Anyways. Sorry for the big post.
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Related to the DJ Octavio and Acht comic I like to think that Octavio tends to remember people who make an impression... he knows a lot of the elites and definitely anyone on his wasabi supply unit... he probably heard about Marina long before he met her... Acht was a delinquent and flunkie and slacker and you might think this wouldn't make them that memorable but they were Marina's best friend and they also started making banger music which I think would be another qualification that could attract the DJ's attention...
Marina takes 2 seconds off The World Tour after hearing he's back on the Surface for good but before she's finished her secret project to drag Eight over to see him like DO YOU REMEMBER THIS OCTOPUS? because there is actually a very good and legitimate chance that he could. And then he takes a very long and thoughtful look at them and goes "no".
#prince talks#there's no reason for this or basis in canon I just think it's sweet...#I also know there's people out there who headcanon that Eight is related to him but personally I don't think that DJ ever got over his ex#to be able to have children. let alone grandchildren.#It is funniest if Eight is just kind of a nobody. They have fond feelings towards the DJ but they have never met him Personally#however I do think once they do they get along very well together. Octavio doesn't have bio grandkids#but young octopuses (and one squid) keep clambering all over him like is this a parental figure? or perhaps a grandpa?#and he cannot stop them
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I just need to be told "You Can Do It" right now.
#I've gotten about 3 hours of sleep within the last 48 hours and I'm still behind in my classes#I don't know how I'm supposed to keep up at this point#Just grinding constantly for hours every waking moment of my life#I'm stuck wondering the same things#'When will it slow down?'... 'Will it actually ever slow down?'#If it doesn't i don't think i can keep up#Full time in college and full time in work#However#every time i try to speak my troubles or stress to someone they just chuckle#and ignore me saying ''well college is like that. welcome to the adult world''#Why does college have to be like this? why is everyone so fine with this?#I'm very unmotivated right now#My grades are all low despite the numerous 100%s I've been getting#And they're not going back up no matter how many A+ s I get on assignments#I don't like talking to people - it scares me terribly#So i don't like it when I'm constantly forced to talk to over 10 people every time i go to school (talk to your professor they say#I like to think of my job at my second home#at least that's not too hard and i love the people#But I just need things to get less intense school-wise#Just for me to get a decent amount of sleep please#Just a little bit#Please#i don't know#I'm not going on hiatus no worries#I love my blog dearly and cannot abandon it for my mental health#I just need encouragement#Because I'm so tired#Sorry for the rant I hate to vent#I'll delete this later if i remember#💬
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re: the last post i reblogged bc i am realizing just how much i yapped in the tags and i do not wish to subject the wider tumblr public to that rant LMAO
#copying the tags bc it is very much a tag rant#bros. truly it has been nothing but a wonderful time here#perhaps even the most enjoyable time i have ever had in a fandom despite being here for like 3 months tops#(bc i'm actually posting stuff and interacting with people for once but i digress)#but i cannot deny. being part of a smaller quieter fandom after coming from some of the larger ones on here has me scratching at the walls#guy on the left was me in september where everything was new to me and i had all this wonderful fanwork to go through. autism heaven#guy on the right. me rn. please do not ask me how many times i have refreshed the tags on both here and ao3. it's ungodly#has me doing things like (on top of actually interacting with people) rereading fics. long ones. which i have done before. twice?#out of many years of reading#i've hunted down nice long fics older than me (also never done before) (because none of my other fandoms are older than me but still)#[edit nvm i remembered there was exactly one fandom i've dipped my toes in that is also older than me so ive definitely read some fics#from there that were Aged. didnt hunt those down tho it just happened. edit over]#but i've put off reading them bc like. what if they don't get them like we do yknow. what if they write something and it's Wrong#perhaps a terrible thing to think of them because what i can tell their writing is very high quality but still..#every day i consider rereading welcome to the panopticon on ao3 and one day the demons will take over and i will be reading all 88k words#once more. among other fics#congrats to these guys they truly have consumed me and i fear it is terminal#kit yap session
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Had the extremely upsetting experience of a mutual of like 6 years going off on me for occasionally making posts about supporting Harris because apparently that makes me a g n cide denier who refuses to learn and grow, with all of my views just being assumed not even from what I've told them I believe or what I've posted before, but just because I DON'T post particularly the kind of things they THINK I should be. When I pointed out how much they were just completely assuming about stuff I'd never talked to them about, I was told it doesn't matter what I do in real life or "care" about if I simply disagree with their conclusion and vote for her anyway. Like they were absolutely not sorry for the level of maliciousness they not just assumed of my character, but for some reason thought appropriate to bring directly to me before unfollowing me. No apology whatsoever for how discomforting or upsetting that might be and certainly no acknowledgment that I could disagree with them and still be a good person. I just got another even longer rant about how they fundamentally can't fuck with me because of this one thing, no matter WHAT else I do in my real life (which I pointed out that they do not know), and how I'm directly supporting fascism.
Like seriously what is it about Tumblr that makes people think they know someone based off of occasional posts? There were just such DEEP assumptions they were making of me and going off of very little or absolutely nothing. Around the time I first became mutuals with that person I used to express my personality and beliefs and talk about what was going on in my life a lot more openly, but I've significantly scaled back on doing that in many ways for many reasons. One of my major ones is privacy and the way I've had strangers outside my followers and following circles just find random things I say and dogpile me for it. I was fundamentally changed after some T Fs did that to me like 3 years ago. I also just didn't have many conversations w that person anymore (I message people in general on here like 10x less than I did circa 2018-2019, which I'm somewhat sorry about!). My point is to say I think this person felt comfortable assuming that they knew me, especially who I am in 2024 at the age of 25, much better than they actually did.
One of the specific things they accused me of was being afraid of learning and growing (because I don't perform social media activism on here like they think I should). Like AFRAID to take criticism. When again I've never received criticism from them or had to respond to any criticism on here before as pertaining to my views on... well, absolutely any of the issues they accused me of not caring about. They essentially treated it as if the only thing in the world I cared about was the US election and characterized me as the most out-of-touch liberal they could possibly imagine, because I'm not "pushing" Kamala Harris to be better (Oh?? Should I do that on here?? Does she read my blog??).
And most hypocritically what they said was that I only *sometimes* *vaguely* post pro-Harris things (I often post like 5 or fewer things in a day though?). But here's the kicker. "Because I know I'll get shit for it. And rightfully so."
Really????? Not a single person, anon or not, in my messages or in a tagged post or anything, has ever given me shit before for saying who I'm voting for. I'm actually NOT afraid of "getting shit" for that opinion, I just don't start fights with people who are anti-voting. And why should I??? I genuinely don't believe in trying to change the minds of strangers on the internet about that sort of thing. I'm just not confrontational about it; that is so not the same thing as being "afraid of getting shit." I'm not posting ENOUGH about my support for Harris, therefore I'm afraid. But therefore they can also make all these assumptions about me being their strawman for an ignorant Harris supporter.
I'm afraid of getting shit but I still post anyway? But if I weren't afraid of getting shit I'd be posting a lot more?? This is ALL based on their assumptions of what my blog *should* look like, based on what I really and truly believe. My level of posting every now and then is an accurate gauge of my feelings on complex, sensitive, global issues. Because I'm voting for the Democratic presidential candidate and I'm ok sharing pretty much just that little glimpse of myself.
I really don't think that person knows just how inappropriate and insulting that is to just say all of that to me. Like they really know what's going on in my head. Their first message began and ended with like "I'm sorry I love you I just can't take it anymore" but they clearly weren't sorry enough to try and be more respectful to me, and they didn't love me enough not to default to extremely ungenerous assumptions and attacking me based off of those instead of any actual words I've said that they take issue with.
Online radicalization is real and it's not necessarily bad because your political views can start to fall well out of the contemporary Overton window. The way you find it appropriate to treat people whose views, however common, seem to fundamentally misalign with yours... that does matter. You can't just assume the worst of everyone and then act on that in how you approach them as individuals. And then be shocked that you don't stay friends with them. You can't be confrontational with someone about an issue you've never had an honest conversation about, and then expect them to take your bad faith in them as reasonable well-meaning criticism.
I'm afraid of criticism??? I'm afraid of criticism. No I'm not. This person and I have never had an issue before where they criticized me and I got harshly defensive. It was ALL projection. The entire tone of their messages was as if all their anti-voting posts recently were somehow in communication with the occasional go-vote-for-Harris posts that I make. That's not a conversation. I don't post for your satisfaction. I don't post in "response" to my mutuals I disagree with. I just post what's on my mind, sometimes, about some things. I really again can't stress enough how baffled I am by this
#tales from diana#long post#this is not really a post about voting this is a post about online etiquette#i also remember that this person at one point when we were teenagers had a crush on me#so they might have somewhat idealized me or maybe just had respect for the good times#good conversations we had over the years etc#i still held them in regard even though some of their anti-voting posts i took serious issue w#again i really don't care to argue w ppl against voting bc really i mainly only disagree w that one conclusion#the systemic critiques that were made in those posts i don't think make them bad ppl#i sympathize w why someone might think that way#i just cannot pretend that i think nothing changes if we have dt as president again#i can't act as if im not anxious at the state of the world we're in where we're seriously at risk of that#i don't have that same level of concern about harris. i don't. i don't think theyre the same#i think they diverge in so many meaningful ways but im usually not writing detailed long thoughtful posts about it#do i have to??? for TUMBLR?? id rather not...#but i don't wish to be confronted as if these are nuances i MUST not hold in my opinion#can't stress enough they were basically calling me a g n cide denier like that's just a cool ok thing to do#i have literally never made a post about ppl not voting for harris bc of the war in gaza#i specifically haven't not because im 'afraid' but bc i don't believe in comparing those 2 things#there was gonna be a presidential election this year anyway and there does not have to be this war#if u think dems aren't doing well enough on the war for u to vote for them. i can't argue w u#but i was always going to vote anyway#again im afraid of getting shit?? ONLY this person has EVER given me shit until now#im not pushing harris enough? how tf do u know that? bc im not reblogging ill-informed posts from ppl like u?#im not PUSHING this woman running for president enough bc im not writing critical posts she and her advisers will never see#about how im threatening to withhold my vote from them. something id never honestly do considering the opposition#they kept stressing to me to about how they weren't a trump supporter when *i* never said as much to them#i do agree that not voting for harris 'supports' trump in that it benefits him overall#but i don't attack ppl who just aren't voting in that way. ok?#damn i hate being on the defensive like this
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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i saw that you used to hint at oc stuff on twitter (don't ask me why im digging im looking for zola stuff lmao) why don't you post more about them?
i am simply terrified that if i post oc things online someone will steal the concept and run with it faster and better than i ever could have and then i will be devastated forever and ever
more seriously i have very little to show for any of my oc things (adhd brain making life difficult as per usual awawawawawa) and every time i've shared oc things in the past i've ended up never following up on it and it makes me feel bad and guilty so i've just convinced myself i will Never talk about my ocs until i have something substantial i can put out there
#mio answers things#anon#i'm getting a little better with making things for my ocs#on account of having friends i can actively share my brain rot with#but i still dread the feeling of posting a character and being forever haunted about never doing anything with them ever again#(echoes of custard howling in my mind)#just like how i dread having a repeat of that time in middle school#where i talked about my werecrow oc in the comments of a bigger artist's works#and they ended up making their own werecrow oc immediately after#they very much directly aligned with mine#but it got wildly popular on their account and they made a ton of art for it and i just#ended up deleting any evidence of mine because i felt so bad about it skjdfhgkldhfkgj#like i have no problem with people taking inspiration from my designs#i think it's fun seeing people design vy2s with two toned hair and kyos with pink eyes and hair pins w#but like. the thought of posting my oc and having someone run them through a blender to make their own character makes me feel. bad.#i can't articulate the specific reason Why it makes me feel bad but it does skjfghdkjfgsdhkjf#like if i finally posted theater gang stuff and then saw someone else take those concepts and make them into their own characters#i might just collapse into a pile of beef trimmings and never get up sdfkjhglksjdfg#it's silly and i don't know why my brain's like this but because of this in combination with my fear of posted oc things haunting me foreve#i simply will not be posting <3333#(and also just that. i'm incapable of producing enough artwork to make my ocs matter in a public context i think.)#(like you breed affection for a character through familiarity)#(which you only really get by creating A Lot Of Art)#(and i cannot do that <333)#(so instead most times i post it's a few handfuls of likes)#(and that doesn't really feel worth it to my brain when i could just settle for going insane over them with my friends skjdfhgkjsdf)#i really think this last year has just taught me that i really. honestly truly prioritize the reactions and feelings of my friends#over strangers on the internet#and it feels a lot more comfortable that way w#AH
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