#i cannot believe this is still being allowed to happen... what the fuck is this fucking world

[hmhas-00]

Ch. 46

Hit Me Hard & Soft

A/N- I’m sensing trouble…. 🥴

Billie’s POV

It’d been a week since the talk, but it was still all I could think about. She’d given me an out, a perfect opportunity, and still I lied. Another promise between us that would go broken, because she’s right, I can never just confront anything. 

Can you blame me? Can you honestly say that you would be able to look your deity in the eye and confess all your sinful thoughts and wishes? That you could tarnish every pure moment you’d ever spent in her presence, and not crumble beneath the way She looked at you?

There were times when I felt myself coping, wondering if it was even really a lie or just a withheld truth, and then I remember, that’s the exact train of thought I'd used to defend keeping her on tour. I can’t help my mouth… the things that will come out of it just to keep her nearby…

And now, of course, it feels too late. Now I’d have to admit to her that she was right, she can't believe a single thing I say. I cannot be trusted when it comes to her. 

If I'm honest, I’d been avoiding her. It's been a little less than a week, but there’s something a lack of her does to my body. I feel like a zombie walking the streets, a dull ache in my muscle protruding from the skin, falling from the bone, and limbs hanging off me. I can feel it rotting me from the inside, this black and unforgiving fear. I’m worried that if I see her, she’ll notice it. That if I let her see me, she’ll see it written all over my face.

I spent some of this week making music, just to distract myself, in hopes of feeling better, but there was nothing poetic or beautiful about how selfish I'd been. Once again, I put our friendship on the line, because I’m worried if I tell her the truth, she might not want to be around me anymore. Once again I’m not allowing her autonomy. 

Maybe part of the reason I’m avoiding her this week is to prove to myself I can be without her. But, like an addict, I return every time, so certain that I can handle being around her without being completely enthralled. Obsessed. Addicted.

Stepping out of the car, I’m met with the familiar view of Finneas’ place. My keys jingle obnoxiously as I sort through them. The key to my car, my place, remy’s place, and finally, the key to Finneas’ front door. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear the new and inventive ways i’ve managed to fuck up with Remy since last time we spoke.

“Big brudddeerrrr.” I call out into the empty expanse, not bothering to look for him.

“Sup.” He answers plainly, his voice coming from the kitchen. When I enter I’m greeted with the fragrant smell of onion and garlic baking in the oven, and him leaning against the counter, staring at something on his phone. I throw my arms around his torso and let my head rest on his chest.

He wraps one arm around me in return, his focus still on the screen, a screen I would be able to see if my eyes weren’t welling up with tears. I didn’t come over here with the intention of sobbing into his arms, I just wanted to update him on everything and try to gain some perspective, but it always seemed to end this way. 

Finneas doesn’t notice anything is wrong until he hears the quiver in the way I speak

“I fucked up.”

When he does realize, his phone is abandoned on the counter and both his hands hold my face, shifting my attention to him.

“Oh my god. You’re pregnant.” He says, trying to make me laugh.

“Shut up.” I grumble, pushing his hands away from me and taking a step back. 

“What happened?” he asks, focusing entirely on me now.

I explain myself as best I can, trying not to get overwhelmed as I recount it all. When I’m done, all Finneas can do is shrug.

“You told her you wouldn’t keep anything from her. Seems like you know what you should do.”

“God. I should be put down.” I huff.

Laughter bursts from Finneas when the words leave my mouth, and I cant help but smile a little too. “Like a dog?”

I nod, “Precisely.”

“God, thats awful. Shouldn’t we at least give you one last day? C’mon, what do you want? Leaf? Apple? Lentil burger?” He jokes.

The timer goes off, raising the hairs on my arms as Finneas takes mom’s special veggie quiche out of the oven. “You want some?”

I nod, my stomach rumbling at the realization that I haven’t eaten much all day. I hadn’t eaten much all week, even. I’d been preoccupied in my own thoughts.

I'm just so tired of feeling guilty and worrying that I might slip up. And still, there is always the question of why I slipped away to have conversations she couldn’t hear. Once again, she was right. This secret has drawn a line between us during tour. I had her and I didn’t.

Remy’s right. She’s almost always right. I had said that so often recently, it was beginning to feel like a mantra. I worry that she’s already caught on and she’s just waiting for me to confront her with my confession. I worry that she knows me so well, she doesn’t need me to say it.

But why? To torture me? To see what creative ways I might bend myself over and backward? Does she love to watch how faithful I am to nothing but her presence? Would it even matter? 

I would humiliate myself in front of her time and time again, if it meant sharing another bed, watching another movie, having another conversation… After all, nothing could ever surmount the jaw clenching, heart pounding, breathless anxiety of being without her. Of just simply knowing we aren’t on speaking terms. It is wholly and irrevocably pathetic.

My yearning… all pointless. 

She’s the entire ocean, and I, a lone observer. I could admire how the sunset reflects off her, and scream until my lungs burn how perfect I believe she is, but she would remain unaffected by something so small, so insignificant, so irrelevant to her great beauty. The only time I would have the pleasure of being close to her is when she reaches forth and allows it, gracing the tiniest parts of me with her refreshing touch, before withdrawing once more. 

“Billie…” Finneas breaks the spell.

I look down and I’m sitting at his kitchen table, with a fork in one hand, and a tight grip on my jeans in the other.

“You keep zoning out.” He takes a bite of quiche as it steams off the ceramic baking pan in front of us.

I take my first bite and I’m taken back to our old family home, where we grew up, and suddenly we’re in the old kitchen. Finneas and I are ten and fourteen years old, and we’re trying to sneak in a few bites of mom’s quiche, before she realizes it’s done baking. We squirm as the hot food touches our tongues, avoiding the long wait before it cools. Suddenly we’re kids again, sharing whispers behind mom’s back, stealing bites right out of the pan.

“Hey. Where’d you go?” Finneas asks.

I smile, “Nowhere bad.” I shovel another bite of veggie quiche into my mouth, not minding my manners at all. I know this is a safe space. I don’t have to hide or act here.

After our day together, I head for my home, prepping myself for yet, another sleepless night of overthought. The only difference about tonight, is tomorrow will be my big end of tour party. I run my skincare routine on autopilot, convinced that as long as I don’t neglect my face, I can neglect my mental health all I want. Girl math.

The doorbell rings to my surprise. I pull out my phone to check my cameras. It’s Remy. My stomach flutters up to my throat and I vigorously rinse off my face, patting it dry with a towel.

I rush off to the door to welcome her in. Avoiding her never works. She always runs straight through my mind, and back into my proximity.

“Hey, Rem, you okay?” I shut the door behind her.

“Yeah, I’m just checking on you.” She looks at me confused, “You’ve been so bland and dry in our texts and you keep blowing me off.”

I groan, acting casual and stretching my back nonchalantly, “Oh, sorry. I’ve just been real busy with writing.” I lie, again.

Predictable, I know.

I look down at the tote bag under her arm, full of clothes. She packed an overnight bag. This would normally fill me with joy, causing me to practically bounce off the walls and ceiling, but tonight, I’m at war with myself, inner turmoil boiling over in my mind.

“Is it okay? If I stay the night?” She smiles, twirling slightly in place. “I figured we can get ready together for your end of tour party tomorrow?”

“Yeah! I’d love that.” I grab the tote bag from her, throwing it over my shoulder, and lugging it upstairs, as she follows closely behind.

Upstairs, I finish out my skin care routine, moisturizing my face with a hairband holding back my hair.

“So? …Have you missed me?” Her silky smooth voice calls out from my bed, matching her velvety smooth skin in my sheets. That’s precisely where I’ve missed her. Wrapped up in my covers, swallowed up by my pillows, tangled up in my embrace…

I swallow before answering, “It’s only been, like, a week, you dodo.”

She lets out a small, breathy laugh, “I know, dummy. But, we’ve been together every single day for the last few months. I missed you…” She crosses her arms, all the way from her throne, in the sexiest way possible.

God, stop teasing me!

I shake my head jokingly, trying not to get my thoughts get in the way, “Ugh, darling, just admit it. You’re obsessed with me.”

“You wish.” She scoffs, waiting for me to join her. I take off my sweatpants, staying in only boy-short briefs, and my giant shirt.

I climb into bed with her, getting used to the idea of sleeping with her again. The same idea I’d been trying so hard to get off my mind.

“Now, what have you really been up to?” She lays beside me, not buying my previous excuse to going MIA.

“I told you. I’ve been in the basement writing new music, so the entire fandom doesn’t rip me to shreds for not dropping this second part of the album they think I wrote.”

(LMAO 😉)

“Ah. Any luck?” She props her head up on her arm.

“Not really. Writer’s block.” I wince, “Luckily I don’t have any due dates yet.”

She sits up, “You need to relax. You’ve been working hard, you just got back from tour a week ago, Bills.” She turns me on my stomach and lifts up my shirt.

I hold my breath as her soft, honey-like hands behind to rub all over my bare back. I groan, releasing the air in my lungs, “That feels good…”

“I’ll get lotion. Take your shirt off, I don’t wanna get it oily.” She hops over me to fetch the bottle of lotion in my bathroom.

I do as I’m told and remove my shirt, laying back down on my belly, burying my head in my arms. I allow my body to relax, just as she comes back over to me.

She climbs on top of me and sits on my butt, squirting my back with lotion. I tense back up, arching my back a bit, but not from how cold the lotion is.

She laughs, as she begins kneading out the knots in my back, “Relax!”

I do my best to relax, but how could I, when I’m shirtless and she’s on top of me, rubbing all over my naked body?

My back becomes her canvas, pale but ridden with goosebumps, as she swirls her oily fingertips all around my aching muscles.

“Try to close your eyes and forget about everything.” Her breath hits my glistening back, giving me chills.

After about hour of massages, my body gives into her magic touch. I don’t even realize that at one point, I’ve dozed off, and she’s covered me up in sheets and a comforter. The lights are off, and I am next to her, still half bare, as she sleeps.

[violottie]

"Violent raids on Rafah in the south of the Gaza Strip" from MahmouD Bassam, 06/May/2024:

[naamahdarling]

"who radicalized you" my kindergarten teacher for forcing me to sit in front of the whole class during the "if you're happy and you know it" song and smile and clap my hands, as a punishment for not clapping my hands because I was not happy (and i knew it) and we had just received a classroom lecture about not fucking lying.

next.

"who radicalized you" ever since i was a child i wanted other people to be treated nicely and fairly because i didnt understand why theyd deserve otherwise and it fills me with disgust seeing how people treat their fellow human beings sometimes

[phosphorusab]

I cannot fucking believe that there are people “no angel-ing” Nex Benedict because they poured water on these random girls who had been harassing them (and had been harassing them prior, despite not knowing them). If it had been their cishet kids who were being bullied, they wouldn’t have a problem if their kids poured water on someone. And now there’s psychos saying Nex deserved to get beaten for responding to being antagonized.

This always happens, a queer person isn’t a ‘perfect victim’, it’s okay for them to die. And even if they were perfect victim, it’s still somehow acceptable. This happens to every marginalized person who snaps one day due to abuse, and gets killed.

And the excuses only get more and more stupid. “Oh they were no angel, they poured water on somebody”. Yeah, after being bullied for a year straight every school day. It’s almost like every human has their limit of fucks to give and shit to take.

I hate all of you ‘no angel’ people even more than I hate people regurgitating misinformation about how Nex died, based off of what the corrupt school and the fucking bastard cops (who are allowed to lie) say. Even the cops suspect foul play. Listen to the 911 call, that’s a head injury. Dozens of people who’ve had experiences with someone getting a head injury and dying later on will tell you that.

[ipushhimback]

we were drunk, it happens - pt. 4

part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5

pairing: lando norris x verstappen!reader warnings: pregnancy words: 1.4k

summary: lando tells yn he loves her after finding out she is pregnant

She wanted to cry. Y/N didn’t want to tell Lando about it. Not yet. She was only around 6 weeks along. Why did he have to find out now? Why didn’t Max close the door? Why wasn’t she more careful? What was she even doing here?

“Just leave, Lando!”, Y/N shouted and wanted to take it back as soon as she saw Lando wince. She pulled knees to her chest and buried her face in the fabric of her dress.

It was such a huge mistake to come to this Grand Prix. Everything went wrong in her life. She hated it.

Max stepped forward to hug his sister.

“It is alright, little one. Everything is going to be ok. Believe me. Just breathe. See, Lando isn’t yelling at you. He isn’t mad. Right, Lando?”, he said glaring at the younger man.

“No! No. Y/N. Why did you think I would be mad? You’re pregnant, right? That should make you happy. It is a baby. A little you. So don’t be scared, please.” Oh, he was so scared. He wanted to scream and wanted to throw himself out of the non-existent window. A baby? A little human? How would he take care of them?

“But. You are so busy and always travelling and we are so young. I am 22! You are not much older! How would we do that”, Y/N sobbed and was embarrassed for being this emotional. Damn hormones.

“Hey. It will all work. It is ok. We are going to be ok. We will have a baby. That’s great!”

Y/N used the back of her hand to wipe away the tears on her face.

“You really aren’t mad?”, she asked, still not really believing Lando.

“No. I really am not. I am happy. I didn’t exactly plan for any of this to happen, but it is nice. Maybe you could come over next week and we could just… talk about it? Maybe it’ll make you feel better? Were you already at the doctors to get the baby checked?”

Y/N shook her head.

“Not, yet. But I have an appointment next week. Then I will find out if the baby’s ok.”

Lando nodded and smiled so Y/N finally allowed herself to calm down. He really wasn’t mad at her for being pregnant. He looked happy.

***

“Max! You don’t understand! I got Verstappen’s sister pregnant!” Lando stared at his friend, Max Fewtrell, in front of him. “This is terrible. We were finally getting along again after he… you know… realized we did it… and now his sister is pregnant because of me!”

“I get it Lando. But you can’t do anything. It is how it is. Didn’t you say you were happy about it? You told her you were. Did you lie?” Max hissed. “Bro you cannot lie to a pregnant woman. Furthermore, you told me you like her so where is the problem?”

“Yes, but we said no feelings! So, I cannot tell her that I have liked her this whole time! But she also shouldn’t be handling the pregnancy alone! Max!”, Lando whined. “I don’t know what to do.” The brunette flopped on the couch.

He forced himself to take a deep breath. He definitely had done something wrong in his life. Why didn’t he use a condom? Why…

“Stop beating yourself up, Lando”, Max said. “This is something great. You will have a baby! And you love kids. But maybe you shouldn’t ask yourself if you want to have a baby. If you want to have Y/N as your girlfriend. You should ask yourself if you want to be a dad and a boyfriend.”

“Oh, shut up. Why are you always saying some smart shit.”

“I don’t just say smart shit, I am smart. As the older one of us I have to help you and give you advice for life.”

“You are literally 3 and a half months older… that’s nothing… Max, I really fucked up this time.” Lando buries his face in his hands and sighed. “I want to be a dad. Really. But not yet? I am not ready for this. I am practically a kid myself! I cannot take care of a literal baby.”

“Well, either that or you tell Y/N you don’t want to have a baby and risk her hating you. Your choice, Lando. But don’t decide now. Wait until you know the baby is healthy. Talk to her about your concerns. Think about it. Promise me that, Lando.” Max looked at his friend.

“I will, I promise.”

***

Only an hour later Lando was standing in front of Y/N’s door. He really wanted to wait until next week but just couldn’t. He had to talk to her.

He knocked and only a couple seconds later the door opened, and Y/N was standing in front of him.

“Lando? What are you doing here? It is literally midnight!”

“I am sorry. But I had to talk to you because I talked to Max. Not you brother Max the other Max. My Max. And I want to be there for the baby. And I have feelings for you and I was so scared of telling you because I know we said no feelings involved but they are involved and I wanna be there for you and the baby when it is born and I know I shouldn’t be here at midnight telling you all that because I am probably just sleep deprived or so but. I love you, Y/N.” As soon as he finished talking, Lando took a deep breath and held it, waiting for Y/N to say something.

“That… was a lot”, Y/N finally said. “But I like you too, Lando. From the first time I saw you with those ridiculously good-looking curls and those blue eyes. I would love if you were involved in mine and the baby’s life.”

Lando just stared at Y/N and couldn’t really believe it yet.

“You… you like me too?”, he asked. He would have though Y/N would call him crazy and that she would say she didn’t like him at all, but he definitely didn’t expect this here to happen.

“I do. And you are an idiot if you haven’t noticed it yet.” Y/N said and smiled a little.

“Oh.”

“So… I have the doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Do you want to come with me? Just making sure the baby is ok. I could use someone to talk to in the waiting room.”

Lando nodded. In that moment he was sure he was the happiest person on earth.

“Do you… no forget it”, Y/N started.

“Do I what? Tell me! You can’t start a sentence like that and then keep me hanging. Tell me!”

Y/N took a deep breath.

“Doyouwannastayherewithme.” Lando stared at her as if she was crazy. What the fuck did she just say? That was too fast for his brain at midnight.

“Huh?”

“Do you want to stay here? With me?”

Lando grinned and nodded.

“Yes! Of course. If it is really ok with you.?”

***

The next morning, Y/N woke up with Lando’s arm around her waist. It was warm and she couldn’t help but notice how different it was to wake up next to him, knowing they didn’t fuck last night.

“Morning”, she mumbled sleepily. “We have to get up to go to the appointment.”

The man next to her just groaned.

“Too early.”

“No, sleepyhead. It is already 11 am. Get up.”

Eventually Lando got up and went to the bathroom and only an hour later they were at the doctor’s office.

The doctor was very nice, and Y/N could swear that the nurse recognized Lando but didn’t say anything.

“So, let’s take a look at the baby”, the doctor said as she poured some gel for the ultrasound on Y/N’s abdomen. She placed the probe on it and looked at the monitor.

Then she moved the monitor so Y/N and Lando could both look at it. She pointed on a few grey, black and white areas to explain some stuff.

“And here we see Baby A”, she pointed to another grey blotch. “And there we have Baby B. Both perfectly healthy.”

Y/N’s jaw dropped.

“Twins…?”

The doctor nodded.

“Yes, you two will have twins. Congratulations!”

A/N: yes i did just post that on the wrong acc… but here we go sorry it took so long to write this! if you wanna be added or removed from the taglist pls tell me bc i don’t know who only wanted to be tagged for this series and who for all the other stuff i will write as well so you will be tagged for everything i will write (sorry i am too chaotic for this world)

taglist:

@strawberryy-kiwii / @a-distantdreamer / @requiemforthepoets / @martygraciesversion381 / @I-vroom4 / @comicalivy / @sid-is-gr8 / @picklesbuddy93 / @sadiemack9 / @f1fantasys / @cloud-55 / @sunny44 / @widow-cevans / @gigicisneros / @mbioooo0000 / @sinfully-yoursss

[ohtobeleah]

https://www.tumblr.com/ohtobeleah/783404264183693312/i-bet-chameleonreader-gives-abbot-the-biggest

robby wants jack to go on a date while he still is not technically divorced? are the boys that stupid and think that’s gonna fix the problems? dana save the day please.

Masterlist

Please! This was too funny. I 100% agree that Dana would hear about this and just side eye the whole situation.

“Nope, I don’t have time for you today.” She groans in the ambulance bay. The cigarette between her fingers is in its last legs.

“Guess who’s got a date?” It’s the smugness. The ‘I cannot believe I’m the person who gets to tell you this.’ In his voice that scares Dana.

“Can't be you,” She shrugs.

“Nope,” Robby confirms Danas first and only guess before he's spewing up the goss. Robbys hands hold each end of the stethoscope that hangs around his neck as he continues. “The bands back together.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Dana nearly chokes. “She did not agree to go on a date with him?”

“Mmhmm, yeah she did.” Robby smirks. Its the shit eating kind. “Breakfast, right now, they are so back.”

But Dana knows. She knows you. This isn't all that its cracked up to be. It can't be. She can't save you from your own self-disruptive tendencies, but she can try avoid it ever happening in the first place...Most of the time.

“I thought I told you not to metal in other people's relationships?” Its the typical scolding Robby is used to. But Dana’s frowning.

“And—I thought I told you that these two are slowly killing each other being separated,” Robby replies like he saved the day.

“No, its killing Jack, because he knows its been hell on earth for that woman to remain sso heavenly after everything he put her through.”

“Hes in therapy.” Robby doesn't have enough daylight to do a deepdive into the complexities that are Jack Abbot. But come on…the guy was actively trying to better himself for you. Surely he's allowed a small amount of grace? Right?

Wrong.

“Big woop, god you doctors give me the shits.” But there's something Dana isn't disclosing. Robby can tell. He can see it in her eyes. There's a secret. An almost forbidden element to her reaction that peaks Robbys interest.

“Dana…what aren't you telling me here? Why is it a bad thing Y/n agreed to breakfast?” There's a moment to of silence that lingers. It's still and foreboding. Robby knows its something serious.

“Sorry,” Its not her place to tell. “HIPA”

[pyxxiestyxx]

Humans are Made to be Pets

"I don't fucking believe you." I laughed in response. I mean, how could I not? I've been perfectly fine as an independent for years. I've made plenty of friends (independents, affini, AND florets), but my favorite friend was definitely Her.

Jaz was an oldbloom of some kind. She refused to tell me the actual number, and I wasn't going to press it. But you bet your ass I was going to outright deny it when she says some Bloomer-ass bullshit like, "Humans are made to be pets, Petal~"

She tilted her head, as if surprised. "Did no one tell you, dear?" I frowned.

"What do you mean exactly?"

Jaz hid a chuckle behind some vines. "Flower, I've been around for a while. I've seen thousands of species. Some of them were almost extinct by the time we found them, and some were far more technologically advanced than the Accord ever was. But out of all of them -all of them, darling- I have yet to find a sophont who wouldn't make a perfect silly pet. Why do you think terrans would be any different?"

I sputtered. "No! No, that's ridiculous. Beeple I can understand, to some extent. They evolved alongside you, and your reproduction at least used to co-exist. You both needed each other. Humans are different."

"Oh, in some ways perhaps! Its true that we were able to work with beeple, but there are a few things that, in order for humans to have gotten where they were, were required to happen." She held up three fingers.

"One. Humanity are social creatures. I'm quite sure I don't need to argue this point. Its been an observation many have noticed. But it still matters that, despite your culture's best attempts to sequester everyone into individual homes and away from communities…you all crave that interaction, that exchange. You Look for it." One finger went down.

"Two. Humanity are intelligent creatures. They learned so much, and fought for their place on the top of the food chain. It was truly incredible to learn your histories! Being able to learn from another's mistakes? An important skill to have, and one that allows for rapid growth of a civilization. And also allows for you to be manipulated, controlled, really; a rock cannot hear my arguments, after all. You Listen all too well. " Two fingers were closed, now. Her thumb remained.

"Three. Humanity are hierarchical creatures. Ever since that whole 'survival of the fittest', terrans seem intent on having everything ranked, everything in relation to the things better or worse than it. It's what worked on Terra, and I don't judge you all for using the tools given to you! But it means, at the end of the day…that culturally speaking? Humanity was going to see itself as either above the Compact, or below it, part of it, inside it." She smiled. "And I think it would be fair to say that the Accord winning was not a valid concern. So when something bigger and stronger comes along? You learn to Accept it."

I was frozen. I didn't…I couldn't…I couldn't think. I was a bubbling mixture of terrified and in awe, looking up at her. My knees wobbled as she gently cupped my cheek, sliding her hand down to my chin.

"Sweet thing~ Its alright. I know that this is a lot to learn, that it sounds scary to you. Perhaps you felt yourself on equal terms to an affini. And in many ways, you are right~ I will always treat you with love and respect, just as I would treat any sophont, any floret. But at the end of the day, my dear…" Her eyes drew me in. There were so many of them, all looking at me. Pinning me underneath their careful stare, somehow both alien and familiar, gentle yet controlling, above me and beside me. Watching as I looked, as I listened, as I accepted.

"An affini's task is to care for pets, and your task is to be cared for~"

[tojikai]

Permanent Mark⁺ : FORLORN

Grateful to @mikeyslvrr for commissioning and for the support~♡

Pairing: Gojo x reader

Permanent Mark Masterlist

Genre: Angst

tags/cw: angst, death, mentions of pregnancy, implied suicide

word count: 2.6k

a/n: this alternate storyline imagines what could have happened if Y/N had faced a different fate.

He's merely a ghost, beseeching to be haunted by your echoes.

I’ll make things right. I shouldn’t be too late, right? My Y/N and I will be fine. The moment she wakes up, I will apologize. I’ll tell her I messed things up. That I made the wrong decision. That I’m coming home with her. That I’ll never leave again. 

We’re gonna make it. 

We’re gonna make it. 

We’re gonna make it. 

“She didn’t make it.” 

Satoru’s steps halted. The world halted. He's been pacing back and forth in the hospital corridor. Despite the chaos of the people coming in and out of the hospital, the voices bouncing on the white walls, and the cries of families who want nothing but to go home with their loved ones, the ticking of Satoru’s wristwatch is still the loudest. 

It felt like every second added another boulder on his shoulder, making it harder to drag his feet on the tiled walls. Rie looked like she’d been awake all night when they’d only been here for a couple of minutes. Satoru could almost feel the blood behind his eyes, his nerves waiting to burst and he would be covered in it. 

Covered in blood, drenched in guilt, weighed down by regrets.

The doctor’s words reverberated inside his head. The roof of his mouth felt strangely hot as he heard cries behind him. Then, he was tackled to the ground. He didn’t even try to fight back, he just welcomed each blow that his best friend threw on his face, growling “You fucking bastard,” He could hear Rie screaming and his vision blurring as he struggled to stand up, “Y/N, let me see my Y/N.” It was an incoherent murmur as he tried to get to her door.

He was a bit dizzy from the blow and his knees were too weak to fight back. He felt like a bird with tied wings as two people restrained him from going to the room. Satoru could tell that his nose was bleeding but this is nothing compared to losing you. 

The irreversibility of his mistakes is now staring him right in the face and he has no choice but to stare back.

He can hear Suguru cursing him out while his tears bring forth realizations: Your parents were inside, after a long time of absence and months of separation from you, this is the first time that they’re seeing you again, not even breathing. The last thing you’d remember of them was how they never cared, neglecting you until you lost colors.

And Satoru… the last thing you'll remember of him will be his anger, his hatred, and the pain he caused you by turning your years of love into dust. The last thing you'll remember of him will be how he put someone else above you, even though he was the summit of your world.

The last thing you’ll remember is being unloved. By your family. By the man you love. 

Satoru tried to claw his way past the arms that were holding him back, begging for just a glimpse. He cannot believe that it’s true unless he sees you. But even if he does…his brain and his heart wouldn’t allow him to believe it too. The next thing made everything impossible for him as he lost strength in all of his limbs and eventually blacked out.

“Y/N.” He called out one last time before closing his eyes. 

—---------------------------------

Earlier

You can hear your sobs, and your heartbeats are like loud knocks in your ears. You sped up, vision spinning but this is nothing compared to the throbbing pain in your chest. You want to go as fast as you can, believing that maybe then your wheels would burn and dry all the tears that are running down your face. Everything around you was softened by the pools in your eyes.

Even the setting sun looked like a watercolor painting before you, the second brightest thing in your world.

You bit your lip to control your sadness from spilling out. You want to block out the words he said to you, you want to forget how he looked at you there. How those eyes you still love so much now look at you with such reproach, almost disdainful. Even at that moment, they still look so vibrant, enough to color a town. You let out a strained gasp, grasping your shirt as you come to a realization:

You will be stuck in this monochrome box as he paints someone else’s home. 

Before you knew it, the sun had disappeared and there was only darkness in front of you. You blinked away your tears but it didn’t work. Where am I driving? You asked yourself but it was too late to hit the brakes. For a very short moment—a split second even—your flesh trembled before you heard a loud crash. 

And then there was nothing. The sun was eaten up by that darkness in front of you and engulfed you along with it. Your body doesn’t feel like it belongs to you. You hear voices but the sound is distorted when they reach your ears. You couldn’t move. Slowly, you felt like you were sinking to the ground. The noises were getting faint and you could barely feel your heartbeat in your chest.

You slipped in and out of your consciousness, each time more chaotic than the last. There was the sound of the siren and a white dancing light pointing directly into your eyes. You can barely feel the air entering your lungs. Am I dying? You wanted to ask but your body was too numb. 

If you are, this is going to be your second death today. 

—---------------------------------

“Just let me be with her for a bit, Ma'am. Please,” Satoru didn't stop the tears from coming as he begged your mother. He knows he doesn't deserve it; he doesn't deserve to mourn you but there's nothing he wouldn't do. After everything that happened at the party, it all felt like a nightmare to him; something so unreal that up until now he still refuses to believe it.

His mother was with him during the burial, as he begged on his knees for a last moment. But your parents weren’t as soft as you. Even as he looked into your kind father’s eyes, he couldn’t find an ounce of pity. Why would he feel sorry for the man who tore his daughter apart? Out of all the hurtful things your mother has said, your father’s last words to Satoru are the ones that scarred him the deepest. It will haunt his ghost til its next life:

“I hope your guilt doesn’t consume you as completely as my daughter’s love for you did to her.”

Finding out about your pregnancy was another knife, twisting in his chest. The fact that you never found out was another bullet to his heart. So, you weren’t the only one he abandoned that day. Your heart wasn’t the only one he broke. It wasn’t just your own sadness you were carrying inside you but the unborn future’s lamentation too. 

Til the very end, the people looked at him as nothing but a man with clean hands and a blood-stained shirt. “Come to think of it, even in her last moments she saved you.” Suguru spat at his face when they ran into each other during the funeral. The main reason for the accident was your alcohol intoxication. But Suguru knows too damn well why it all happened.

The only one that wept with him was the sky. The thunders screamed the same accusations at him. The people will see his cries as tears of guilt but no one will understand how his heart died with you in that hospital bed. No one will know how the things he did will forever sleep with him under his pillows, hammering words into his head.

Rie is a strong woman, watching him on his knees, bawling his eyes out as he screamed his love for you to nothingness. She’s a tough woman, entering his room only to hear him label his relationship with her as a mistake, wailing for a do-over. She’s a brave woman who holds him in her arms, whispering her love for him only to be answered with murmurs of I’m sorry’s.

Rie is strong, but a month is too long to stay with someone who will forever yearn for another.

She was hoping for him to stop her, maybe just ask her to give him time, it wouldn’t have mattered how long but he never did. “I’m sorry.” He said, nodding as he traced the mouth of his cup. “Will you be fine?” She asked, first, out of concern and second, to allow a bit of time in hopes that he’d change his mind.

“No, but it’s alright.” He spoke, eyes void of emotion. They almost looked more grey rather than blue now. “Whatever that has happened is on me. I shouldn't have even let it happen.” She knows that he’s not just referring to the accident. His blunt confession of how his relationship with her was a mistake sends a chill down her spine and an ache in her entire being.

How could he so openly tell her that he regrets being with her? 

She guessed it was a small price to pay for taking part in breaking someone’s heart. And the larger bill was outside, lurking as she was faced with whispers in every company she tried working on, the continuous ringing of the numbers she called, and the neverending hours of one-sided conversations with her friends.

The rust of guilt will eat away at her bones as she tries to crawl back to where she came from.

Shoko was never the one to hold grudges. But for the longest time, she couldn’t talk to Satoru. She’d find herself spending most of her free time with you, even if she never got answers. Then she’d leave again like she always did before. If she regrets something, it’d be not being to be with you as much as she should be as a friend. Her job doesn’t allow for much time for rest.

Just like how it doesn’t allow enough time for mourning. 

“You need to start continuing your life. You’re just insulting Y/N being like that now.” She looked away as she lit a cigarette. She called Satoru over to her clinic today, worried about how his mother called her crying when he wouldn’t answer his phone. It’s almost been a year since your passing and she could barely recognize him. 

“Do you know where Suguru is?” He asked, voice hoarse as he licked his cracked lips. Shoko was grateful that his mother chose to take over his business. It’ll only fall down with him like this. He was breathing but barely alive. “Do not try to talk to him.” That’s the only thing she said, but Satoru already understands.

Suguru didn’t want to blame his friend when he was obviously devastated too. But hearing the doctor’s words that day, the first thing he thought of was that if Satoru hadn’t provoked it, you wouldn’t have left and driven drunk. He’d sound selfish if he said he was the most crushed of them all but how else does he cope with a loss of a love that never began?

The last time he’s been to your grave was on the burial day. He never went back again. He thought that maybe if he didn’t see it as much, his mind wouldn’t think of it like that. Maybe his mind wouldn’t remember your death. Maybe he can fool himself into thinking you’re just somewhere far away, working at your mother’s company.

“You don’t get to feel sad. You don’t get to feel sad as much as I do. Not when you already killed her before she even died in that accident.” He pulled at his friend's collar as tears streamed down their faces. “You don’t get to feel sad after what you’ve done, Satoru.” Suguru fears that even after years, he’d still feel resentment for his friend.

“If you weren’t planning on treating her well, you should’ve just let me love her instead, Satoru.” He let his shirt go along with the emotions he was hiding. “If you weren’t planning on keeping her, you should’ve just left her alone.” He whispered, stepping away as he turned his back to him, regaining his composure. This man is grieving too, he reminded himself.

The grief was heavier than the sea of blue in his eyes.

He looked so drained, like he died along with you and maybe he did, because staring into his eyes, Suguru couldn’t find his best friend anymore. When confronted by the uncontrollable materialization of the consequences of their actions, humans deteriorate from the inside.

He wanted to hug him, to cry with him, and let him put some of his heaviest feelings on him but he couldn't. “Live well, Satoru. Y/N wouldn’t want you like this,” He sniffed, running a hand down his face as he turned to his friend again, tapping his shoulder before stepping out. 

It’s so hard to feel bad for someone who brought the tragedy upon themselves.

Years will pass and Satoru remains the same, an empty skeleton of who he was before, a vessel of memories and the love you generously left, a cage of regret, guilt, and suffering that he harvested from bad seeds that he planted. “It shall pass,” The doctor said, passing him a blister pack, “You’ll feel better with time.” It just makes him want to laugh. The man doesn’t understand that what he needs can’t be found in this world.

He would lie awake for hours, with exhaustion gnawing at him but still his eyes remained stubbornly open. Reality was punishing him by keeping him awake, blocking out his only means of escape and portal to you. Drinking wasn’t a solution, it was more of a problem. There was this one time that he drank so much, he thought he was seeing you. 

His mother found him on his knees, his forehead touching the floor as he begged you to come back, apologizing to the air as his tears hit the tiles of his house. It’s no use, you will never come back and even then, his hallucinations of you were inanimate, unmoving, and cold. 

He gazed at a jar filled with wilting flowers on the table—some had lost their color, while others were on the verge of fading. Standing up, he fetched a new one in his jacket’s pocket and cut off its stem before carefully placing it with the others.

These flowers came from the bouquets that he left on your grave. Each time he’d visit, he’d take one flower with him and keep it in this jar. It’s his way of coping, thinking that he still has a piece of you with him. It felt both comforting and painfully inadequate. Satoru doubts that anything will ever change in his life. Even if each person on Earth introduces someone or something new to him, nothing will fill the void.

Satoru wondered if you saw him as others do: merely guilty, not genuinely in love. It’d be another blow to his already beaten-up heart. Listening to the ticking of the clock, his shadow cast on the wall of his room. The quiet was eerie; it had been for years. This house had lost its colors long ago. 

It is during these times when he remembers how you’d spent sleepless nights together, just soaking in the presence of one another. Maybe if he sleeps, he’d dream of how you used to rest your head on his chest. Taking the last of his pill, Satoru stared at his ceiling one last time.

As he closed his eyes, he prayed to wake up beside you. 

Permanent Mark Masterlist

[jedimayukidaawesome]

I have a hot take, and I just wanna air it out here.

I’m going to be honest, I wonder if deep down people actually hate Caitlyn because of her wealth allowing her to act upon her grief. And I mean what she ACTUALLY did, not what she did plus huge doses of exaggeration (looking at you “she gassed the lanes and everyone suffered because of her” crowd - she gassed the HQs of two chembarons and the arcade where Jinx was. She didn’t gas the whole of the lanes and none of the innocents there).

If Caitlyn didn’t have the wealth and status that she has, she wouldn’t have been able to hunt Jinx, the Chembarons and the Shimmer factories with a strike force. She rolled up with her team to a secret council meeting and didn’t get locked up or thrown out because she had a cause to be there as the Kiramman heiress. She also more than likely wouldn’t have been chosen by Ambessa to rule under martial law if she was a commoner. Her convictions aside, no one of the ruling families would’ve respected that decision, and Salo would’ve been manipulated and given control instead.

If Caitlyn had no status whilst being an enforcer, and Cassandra was a lower class woman who died working in that building, it would’ve more than likely been a one woman rampage through Zaun, with or without Vi, trying to hunt down her mother’s killer. She still would be pissed, she would still be grieving, she may still try to get the Chembarons and Shimmer destroyed, and her quest for revenge would be seen as more justifiable and sympathetic to the average viewer. Her not being rich makes her “relatable” and “misunderstood”, whilst her being rich makes her “monstrous” and “not relatable”.

The difference is that it’s far harder to do so as a simple enforcer as opposed to someone with power. If you’ve ever hated someone that deeply - a drunk driver that killed a relative, a bully that drove your friend to self harm, a parent that abused you severely - you at your angriest would wish for the worst to happen to them, and those with power make it so.

Caitlyn’s wealth allowed her to achieve her desire for vengeance far more easily. She had the resources, respect and voice that Ambessa exploited and the elites listened to.

She had the power many of us wished we had when we were so terribly wronged.

Do I think she fucked up? Yes. Do I believe she deserves to be crucified and hated because of it? No. She still had lines she wouldn’t cross (the cells where Vi was kept we’re not allowed to be used, causing violence at checkpoints got her pissed at Rictus and Ambessa, improving prison food because of an off handed comment from Vi and still have it to her mother’s murderer etc), she didn’t want things to turn out the way they had, and actively tried to do better: not for the sake of redemption, but for the sake of doing what’s right (giving Sevika the Kiramman council seat, allowing Vi to free her sister and letting go of her hate, betraying Ambessa etc).

I believe in “do not turn people away from a better path even after they fall”, and many here grant that concession to Jinx, who has murdered, kidnapped and destroyed, some of that for years. Yet people say “she was traumatised so young and she deserves to be protected”. She does, but when a victim of hers - who got ambushed in her shower whilst naked, kidnapped, vandalised and lost her mother in the same night- needs the same, everyone cries “ShE’s a MoNsTeR and a FACIST! I HATE HER - Vi DeSeRveS BETTER!”

Like bruh … the fuck?

Tl:dr - Caitlyn haters may just subconsciously hate her for being rich enough to enact revenge against an unstable, possessive and murderous teen who killed her mother and assaulted her, and those same haters cannot comprehend that Jinx caused Caitlyn’s own trauma and don’t even care to acknowledge it because of her wealth and Jinx bias. You see “rich” as an insult (hell, it’s the first “insult” Vi flings at Caitlyn after reuniting with her), and a negative character flaw; even though we’d all like some level of wealth in our lives to make it easier.

Caitlyn Kiramman deserves better, end of story

[sleepingdeath-light]

elder faerie cookie smut hcs ; 18+

requested by ; anonymous (20/01/24) & anonymous (14/09/24)

fandom(s) ; cookie run

fandom masterlist(s) ; hub | specific

character(s) ; elder faerie cookie

outline ; “Hi! Since no one has yet, could I request some elder faerie cookie smut headcanons 👀 (I am 20 btw)”

&

“Hello there, I have read the rules in your post, and I am an adult. I have a request for you for CookieRun:Kingdom. Is it alright for you to do some smut Elder Farie Cookie headcanon?”

warning(s) ; sexually explicit content, dominant!elder faerie cookie, brat tamer!elder faerie cookie, wing play, oral sex, praise kink, cock warming, hair pulling, lingerie kink, edging, impact play

note ; i cannot believe it’s taken me seven whole months to finish this post… sorry anons 🫠

minors and ageless blogs will be blocked

elder faerie cookie is a natural dominant who, while not mean, is definitely on the stricter side of the spectrum — one who is very clear about his expectations for you as his submissive in the bedroom and who isn’t afraid to dole out punishments for intentional misbehaviour (and, likewise, is also very generous with his rewards when you do behave). this also makes him a very effective brat tamer if you happen to lean towards that kind of thing in bed…

he much prefers topping and has little to no experience with bottoming, but if you’re dead set on having him bottom for you then he can be convinced to try it out once in a while — it’s still not his favourite thing to do, but with enough preparation it’s not totally unpleasant for him and he likes seeing how excited it makes you so he’s happy to do it as a reward for a streak of exceptionally good behaviour… or something else along those lines

he much prefers to be able to see your face when you’re having sex and, as such, tends to lean towards the positions that allow that — e.g. missionary, mating press, cowgirl, etc. — but if there is a mirror involved he could be convinced to branch out to other positions like doggy style, concubine, or lotus

elder faerie cookie is naturally more of a giver in bed and, as such, generally prefers to go down on you rather than have you go down on him. as with all things in the bedroom, he really takes his time to make you feel good — making sure to leave no millimetre of you unkissed, unlicked, unbitten as he goes, and being wholly unbothered about any mess he may be making in the process. he builds up your anticipation and desperation expertly so by the time he finally takes you into his mouth you’re already trembling, throbbing, and on the brink of orgasm and mere moments away from soaking him with your spend — thankfully he’s more than happy to clean you and himself up afterwards with his tongue

(also has no problem going down on you after he’s fucked you, but that’s another point entirely)

isn’t naturally super talkative in bed, but whenever he does choose to speak up it’s almost always to praise you. to tell you how incredible you look beneath or above him (how angelic, how divine). to compliment the taste of you on his tongue (how delectable, how addictive). to praise you for taking him so well (almost like you were made to be his, and he, yours). to shower you in affirmations spoken so earnestly, so reverently, in the heat of passion that it’s impossible to brush them off or hide from them

big fan of cock warming because of how intimate of an act it is — elder faerie cookie is nothing if not patient, and he’s got plenty of self restraint too, so he could easily sit with you like that for hours at a time without tiring of it or becoming too desperate to stay still. he just… enjoys being close to you like this, that’s all

if you have a thing for his voice then he’s going to be more than happy to indulge you in the bedroom: talking you through your orgasm, giving you instructions while you touch yourself in front of him, describing exactly what he intends to do to you before he does it, whispering a low warning to ‘behave’ in your ear when you’re being a brat, etc. — he may not naturally be the most vocal in the bedroom, but he’ll compromise for your sake

his wings are extremely sensitive to both pain and pleasure, and under the right circumstances and with the right type of stimulation you might just be able to make him whine or groan by touching them. e.g. reaching around his back while he’s fucking you and lightly dragging your nails along the point where his wings sprout from his back, or running the tip of your finger along the thin edges of them while cockwarming him. just… please don’t use this knowledge to tease him in public because he has an image to uphold as a king (and because he’s not afraid to punish you for impudent behaviour, so unless you’re prepared for a long night then don’t test his patience like this)

he also has an extremely sensitive chest, so biting/kissing/licking that area is a guaranteed way to get some small reaction out of him and make his composure momentarily waver — though, of course, the visible shudder and shallow intake of breath is a much less extreme reaction than what you’d see if you were messing around with his wings instead.

enjoys having his hair played with during foreplay, sex, and even after the act, but he’s very particular with his preferences — e.g. if you’re going to pull on it then he’d much rather you wrap it around your hand and tug rather than just grabbing at random bits and knotting it up, and he prefers gentle scratching at his scalp over harsh ragging on his hair but if you’re caught in the moment then he won’t outright scold you for getting a bit rough with him (he can take it, after all)

while he finds you absolutely enchanting in everything you wear (or even when you’re wearing nothing at all), it’s impossible to ignore just how fond he is of the sight of you in lingerie — frilly, sheer, lacy, and in colours and cuts that perfectly accentuate your natural shape… it’s enough to leave the monarch absolutely speechless

as a faerie his stamina goes way beyond what most mortals have and he can easily go for upwards of a dozen consecutive rounds if he has the free time and go-ahead to do so. of course because of how demanding his duties are, and because he’s terribly worried about actually breaking you, marathon sex like that is an extremely rare thing for the both of you and he typically limits himself to maybe two or three rounds at a time (or less if you’re too exhausted to go for very long).

he’s extremely patient and enjoys being able to take his time with you in the bedroom, preferring a slower pace with more focus on intentional actions and savouring the experience over just outright rushing towards the finish line (so to speak). this has on many occasions led to him accidentally edging you as he splits his focus between straight up pleasuring you (with his mouth or hands or dick) and pausing to continue worshipping the rest of your body — it’s frustrating sometimes, how many times you come close to release only to have it snatched away from you, but if you just wait and stay with him for the full experience then your patience will be rewarded with an orgasm so intense that you momentarily forget the sound of your own name… followed by another, and another, until either you tap out or he deems you too fucked out to continue

while this is something he typically reserves for punishments, elder faerie cookie can be convinced to start incorporating light impact play into your regular sex life if you ask. typically he only goes so far as bending you over his knee and making you count each time he swats your ass with the palm of his hand, but for regular use he’d prefer to use something like a swatch or a paddle on you — something that is plenty firm but not hard or small enough to leave a lasting mark more intense than a bruise, and that he’s able to maintain complete control over during use.

if you have a tendency to slip into sub space during sex then elder faerie cookie is quick to pick up on any minor change in your demeanour and is excellent at discerning when you’re good to keep going and when he ought to stop and shift his focus to after care and cleaning you up — either basing his decisions off of previous encounters and his own familiarity with your body and boundaries, or off of a previous discussion where you gave him explicit instructions as to what you want him to do in that situation

he has an extremely thorough and intricate approach to aftercare — doing everything and anything he can to ensure that you’re as clean, comfortable, and healthy as possible after all is said and done. and that’s not even mentioning how shockingly good he is at offering reassuring pillow talk…

[finefeatheredfabler]

How I think Kremy feels about Gideon, some head canons

Kremy trusts Gideon more than anyone alive—precisely because Gideon doesn’t ask him to be anything other than what he is. There is no performance needed. Gideon doesn’t demand softness or honesty; he simply recognizes it when it shows. Gideon escaped the hobgoblins, but he knows Kremy still hasn’t escaped Garou. Gideon sees a kindred spirit in Kremy since he can see he’s a captive too.

Gideon is the only person who has ever made Kremy feel safe. Not physically safe—Kremy can handle threats, he’s very magically competent when he needs to be. But emotionally safe: the terrifying, disarming sense that someone might actually see him at his most vulnerable and stay? Gideon is the only one who did. Gideon lets him be soft, lets him be weak and never mocks him for it.

Kremy is possessive of Gideon, not out of jealousy, but out of a sense of protectiveness. Kremy doesn’t mind that others touch Gideon—he minds that they might not understand what they’re touching. Gideon’s affection feels like something sacred, and Kremy cannot bear to see it wasted. He might not like that Gideon has ONS, but his actual fear is Gideon either getting hurt or leaving him for someone who holds him closer.

Kremy falls in love slowly, but completely—like erosion, like inevitability, but it was also at first sight. It is not a sharp turn but a steady slide toward something he can't control, but it also happened the moment he saw Gideon, ash-stained and traumatized, scorned by everyone who saw broken chains and manacles and thought “dangerous.” Gideon isn’t the first person to want him, but he’s the first person Kremy truly wants in return, without angle or agenda. His relationship with Gideon isn’t about a con or manipulation, it’s real connection with someone who he feels is a peer, even if only behind closed doors.

He shows his love through control. Organizing Gideon’s world, protecting him behind manipulation and careful planning. It is not healthy. It is not simple. But for Kremy, orchestrating safety is the closest he can come to devotion. Deciding the situations he “lets” Gideon walk into is a fucked up way of showing love.

He takes pride in Gideon’s loyalty because he knows how hard-won it is. Kremy has never expected to be anyone’s choice, not without coercion or charm. The fact that Gideon chooses him again and again is the one thing he allows himself to believe in. If Gideon ever left, it would crumble Kremy’s whole inner world. He knows that Gideon is only loyal to you if you’ve earned it and he feels he can trust you. Kremy treasures that loyalty, that bond. And yeah, Gideon is one of the few people he’d ever be completely honest with as a result.

Kremy doesn’t want to own Gideon—he wants to be worthy of him. But lacking that, he settles for being useful. If he can’t be lovable, he’ll be indispensable. And if he can’t have Gideon outright, then he’ll figure out how to have him in a sneaky way – say a fey marriage pact, desperately trying to hold onto him without making him feel like he’s trying to “own” him.

He fears saying “I love you” because he knows that for someone like him, love is a death sentence. Not just magically, but narratively. Love is where people like Kremy lose. And still, he wants it. That said, I absolutely believe that Kremy has said he loves Gideon in a thousand little ways. He might not say it with words, but he’ll show it again and again.

Gideon is the only man who’s ever truly seen Kremy take off his mask. Kremy knows that Gideon has seen him at his worst and didn’t look away. It’s why he will always choose Gideon, it’s why Gideon is more important to him than money, though he would NEVER admit that out loud.

Loving Gideon is the only thing Kremy has ever done that wasn’t a transaction. And it breaks every rule he’s ever lived by.

Gideon’s feelings on Kremy.

[loassbarbie]

shifting/loass & what works for ME.

DISCLAIMER: so everyone in the shifting/loass community has a different take on how the whole thing actually works. after a lot of pondering, this is my take. you don't have to agree <3. we all have different perspectives and that is beautiful. whatever works for you, works for you. this is just me rambling about my experience and what makes sense to me and my beliefs. (sort of) long post alert!!

according to neuroscientist Patrick Cavanagh, "we're not seeing reality. we're seeing a story that's being created for us".

our thoughts, if we think them over and over, and assign truth to them, become beliefs.

beliefs create a cognitive lens through which we interpret the events of our world and this can shape our perception of reality.

by changing our beliefs, we can change our perception of reality and create a new experience.

it isn’t about what happens only, but about how we perceive the world; our values, what truly matters to us, our self imposed limits, the way we see ourselves; our assumptions about ourselves, our limits, and about what we can do.

we don’t see the world as it is, but as we are. our concepts, our ideas of possible/impossible (most of which was taught to us, not something we ourselves came to a conclusion based on our own lives), our traumas, the people we surround ourselves with - all of these aspects shape our assumptions.

when I started changing my assumptions, my limiting beliefs; when I TOOK CONTROL and created my rules for myself - that’s when I started to become who I wanted to be.

i stopped allowing myself to be defined by my diagnosis (i have bpd). i am not a disorder. i am what I choose to be. i regulate my emotions, i take my meds, and i don’t let the negativity, or the emptiness, or the pessimism get under my skin or overstay their welcome. I just tell them to fuck off, because I am a human being capable of being mindful, like everyone else, and you know what that means? I choose where my focus goes.

what took me so long to realize was that in the material world, several things are outside of my control. and i could dwell on this thought and entertain it for hours, which is what i'd usually do. i would let my mood be defined by the world outside of me. that is the quickest, most efficient way to be miserable: to entertain my worries, to let a concerning thought take over instead of letting it flow away like a leaf that fell on a river stream that i'm calmly observing.

i personally believe that, as Schopenhauer and so many other authors say, the only person i can change in the material world is myself. i can make my mind a wonderful, beautiful place; when the law says it “reflects on the 3D”, IN MY PERSONAL VIEW - the one i found some peace in - it means that when I am happy within, i see the material world with brighter eyes. the “3D” world is full of beauty and it's full of chaos; i cannot take the chaos out of other people's lives for them. what I can truly do is choosing where my focus is gonna go: the bad or the good.

i keep my awareness in the good things in life. i choose to keep my attention in the beauty of the world and in the good in humanity, instead of over consuming negative content.

last but not least: i still believe there can be something metaphysical about manifesting. but what actually fulfills me is the notion that reality is perception. that I am pure consciousness, and that nothing exists outside of my own consciousness. there is only the here and the now. i can rejoice on that thought, or i can dread it. ultimately, whether or not that is good thing depends on where my focus is going right now. what are my mind's eyes seeing? what am i saying to myself? what do i believe?

to me, these questions were much more effective than any method. and still are, every day when i wake up and choose this lane and not another.

[blusthings]

Allow me to yap about deck9, new games and shipping.

I'd like to comment on the whole Pricefield break up in Deck9's LIS DE game. Life is Strange is the game that indirectly contributed to me coming out. I cannot tell you how huge and dramatic of an impact this game had on me, the first game will forever hold a special place in my heart.

The center of why I was so attached to the game was Pricefield, specifically Chloe. I saw some of my characteristics in her, I was often left behind by my friends, I forgive very easily and I love so fast and so fierce it might scare some people off.

The dedication that chloe and Max had especially towards the end of the game was unique.

Now I know that some critics out there will point out just how fucking toxic Chloe was (being possessive, jealous, pushing Max to do bad things etc). And I should know, I had an ex-friend who was possessive and jealous so I understand where they're coming from. But that just adds more depth to Chloe's character. She's fucked up, she's a mess... And yet...

She does this. She still loves, has the capability to love after all that's happened. Plus also yeah everyone loves the blue haired punk lesbian.

But come on, the last scene where we had to choose Bay or Bae was... phenomenal. I cried so fucking hard after the Bae ending. I cried just as hard when I saw the LIS2 pricefield picture because it gave me closure. I grew attached to this couple (and chloe specifically) because of the qualities I see in me mirrored in her.

So it came as a shock to me when Deck9 said "mm fuck that" and just threw my Bae choice to trash. The duo separates. And honestly? I can live with that. I could respect that choice. This isn't a shipping war (unlike what some in the fandom might insist) this is simply another Joel Death and TLOU2 dilemma.

But to shit on Chloe? To reduce her to THIS

I couldn't believe what I read. It made me so upset that not only do they break up a duo I absolutely admire, but they also villian-ify Chloe in a way that just isn't true to her character.

Some would say "why should your opinion matter?" And to that I'd reply "It should, I am only one in the thousands of voices who belong to players that absolutely cherished LIS for ages." If our voices don't count, why even bother making a game for us to play?

I've seen people refunding. Other chose to buy the game and see how it all pans out. I can respect that. But to those who are actively harassing the studio employees??? Please grow up. Shitty game or not, in the end it's just that: a game. Sure, a game that we adore. But it ain't a cult bro. You can't harass people for just doing their jobs.

My solution? Ignorance is bliss, if you'd like to ship Pricefield fucking GO for it. I will personally reject the Deck9's mess, and keep drawing and enjoying the ship closest to my heart.

[burningcheese-merchant]

Sooo, I have a thought from an ask i saw about yandere beasts towards the ancients...

What if the Beasts became yandere towards YOU instead?

Although, the Ancients have the same feeling too, which may lead to high tensions in the air.

What would YOU in that scenario?

-A Self-Aware/Yandere lover Anon

Wait, me? Me specifically? Merchant? The person answering this ask? That's certainly an interesting thought...

If the Beasts became yanderes towards me, then I would fucking panic lol. I don't condone this kind of behavior irl, it's fun to write fictional crazy people but nobody wants to endure ACTUAL crazy people. Stalkers are sick and dangerous and need to be put away, and it's a damn shame it's not taken seriously by law enforcement anywhere (not until it escalates to violence, anyway, unfortunately)

With that said, let's terrorize Merchant for a little bit

IF THE BEASTS ARE STILL JUST COOKIES:

Step on them immediately, they're like 3 inches tall wait, would that work? They have powers and are crazy strong. What can they actually do against humans? Would stepping on them just break my fucking foot?

Send my dog after them no wait, I don't want them to hurt my dog. I love my dog very much. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him. I'd never forgive myself if I let him try to eat them and he just got turned into flour or something

Pour milk on them ONE OF THEM IS MADE OF MILK ALREADY GODDAMN IT

Hide the box of cookies I like to get from the store, because they probably wouldn't appreciate the fact that I love to eat cookies (they're just like this 🍪 but still)

Try to trap them in the fridge momentarily, hope they don't destroy my nice fridge

Make a deal where they are allowed to live in and explore my house provided they damage nothing and hurt no one

Give them head scratches (especially Spice, his head looks Very Scratchable)

Give them tiny little kisses if they behave themselves (however, if I give one a kiss, I have to give them ALL kisses, or else the other 4 will retaliate against me out of jealousy)

I will also allow them to sit on my shoulders if they behave themselves and don't try to yank on my hair or my ears or something

Wait, do cookies know what sex is? Are they capable of sexual feelings? If so, how do they deal with them? Do they have the... equipment for that? WHAT IF THEY TRY TO HUMP MY FINGERS OR SOMETHING OH GOD-

Contact federal authorities and hope that they believe me when I say superpowered talking cookies are in my house, so they can come take them away and perhaps experiment on them

Probably never sleep again because there's a batch of little satanic cookies in my house that all want to fuck me for some reason (I'm ugly and a normie, wtf did I do to deserve this 💀)

IF THE BEASTS ARE HUMAN:

immediate death

panic x10000000000

I hc Spice as being at least 6'5''/198cm and 200+/90+ lbs/kg so I'm cooked 7 ways to Sunday just with him

Seriously I'm just a short nerd irl. Assuming they still have their powers, my life is literally over

Do everything in my power to convince them all my loved ones are dead so they don't go harm them out of jealousy (ESPECIALLY my SO, God have mercy, I'll probably have to tell him to go hide in his home country for a while)

Try to barricade myself in a church, hope that the "demons cannot set foot on hallowed ground/in God's house" rule applies to them, beg God to save my sorry ass while they try to break in and drag me back out

Can't call the cops because A) stalking and harassment are not taken seriously by police, B) they won't believe me when I say that 5 supervillains are trying to kidnap and marry me, C) by the time they realize I'm telling the truth, they will already have been hanged/put into a coma/beheaded/turned to flour/cut up into salt cubes

I actually only like men irl so I am in deep trouble with Flour and Sugar especially

Try to flee the country (probably won't work but I'll try anyway and hope they don't get too mad about it), hide out in the Yukon or some bumfuck nowhere village in Russia, I'd rather face a polar bear than these guys

Probably still be forced to let them live in my house in exchange for peace and obedience

...I don't know if tiny head scratches and kisses would cover it this time

Hope that they're all possessive enough to only harass me one at a time, instead of... more than one at a time, because that counts as sharing and yanderes don't really like doing that

Try to pit them against each other constantly. If they're too focused on arguing about who I belong to or whatever, then they can't focus on tormenting me

Would like to try to stab or shoot them but idk if conventional weaponry works on them at all

If I HAD TO pick one to say yes to, it would be Burning Spice. He is sexy af. Then, hopefully, I can weaponize this and get him to defend me from the others

IF THE ANCIENTS LIKED ME TOO, BUT WERE NORMAL:

Yay, sanity. I'll tell them to PLEASE get the Beasts away from me. They can sort out whatever they feel towards me later, we've got a bigger problem on our hands than that

COOKIES: I will keep them safe in my house under the same conditions as the Beasts: behave and do not harm anyone or anything

HUMANS: Look, can I just... send them back? How did any of these guys get here, anyway? Can I please just shove them back through the portal or whatever they used to get here? Even if I wasn't taken, I don't think I'd have the strength or patience to put up with anyone's shit. Can we just be friends? I'd love to be friends. I need a mom friend like Hollyberry in my life

If necessary, I am picking Dark Cacao. Seriously, I love my big, strong men. Merchant is a basic bitch at heart lol

IF THE ANCIENTS WERE YANDERES TOO:

Are you fucking kidding me

Am still picking Cacao, fuck all of you

[buckgasms]

Trailer park bucky but the window in your bedroom is broken with the frame all cracked so you really cold no matter what :( he starts noticing that your sleeping on the tiny built in table thing instead of your bed and offers to take a look at the window for you so he can fix it. In the mean time he sees this as an opportunity because he cannot allow you to sleep on a table while the window is being fixed! Come over to his trailer... it has a bigger bed and plenty of room.

Nonnie yeeeeeeeees. Thank yoooou!

You get it and I love it.

Like Bucky can fix that shit in minutes by why rush it when he's got silly you who believes anything he tells you, especially when it comes to DIY.

So he says it's not good to be sleeping in the cold and the pull out table bed is no good for his pretty girl. So you gotta come and stay at his...

And he's so insistent he doesn't even let you grab anything he just pushes you out the door and tells you to grab him a beer.

He then helps himself to your underwear drawer, pulling out the skimpiest nightie you have. He grins as he hears you grumbling outside before pocketing the dress.

Oh and when he gives you your nightie, he tries to be cool but he can't help but grin when he sees your eyes widen at it.

"Bucky! Why did you pick this one? You may as well not have picked one at all"

He presses up against you and brushes your cheek with his thumb. "That's still an option babydoll..."

And are you pretending that you aren't sleeping with him that night? You climb under the blankets and shut your eyes as if you are going to sleep, fully aware that he's about to get out of the shower and your body is humming with anticipation.

And even though you shouldn't you can't help but squint as he comes out of the bathroom, shorts hanging reaaaal low on his waist, his broad chest damp from his shower. You hate yourself for the little whimper, which of course he hears.

"You hiding? I wanna see that pretty nightie baby, at least let me see it once before I take it off ya."

You scoff, "I'm going to sleep Bucky, isnt that why I'm here?"

He chuckles, sliding under the covers and wrapping his arms around you, dragging you into his chest and pressing kisses to your shoulder. "Don't be dumb baby. You know exactly what's gonna happen tonight. But if you wanna play, we can play...."

His hands slip into your underwear and slide between your folds. He moans in your ear as he feels how soaked you are. "Such a silly girl yknow? Always pretending you ain't bothered." He slides his thick finger inside you and you keen, dropping your head back onto his shoulder. "Why not just admit you want me to fuck you dumb huh? I don't mind. I'll never say no to my honey bee."

Crying

[melondecarabia]

⋆˙⟡ 36h observation period (2/3)

leo kurosagi x fem reader 

smut, drama, some angst 

mdni! 

authors note: he's crazy in this one. also sad and angry. every person mentioned by him is catching strays lmao real hater behavior 

tw: leo's villain arc, leo jorking it, leo being unhinged, is he a yandere or just a jealous freak? also mentions of babytrapping 

summary: Leo's time in the 36 hours after escaping the consequences of his own actions. 

24h sugar pill (part 1)

4h trial run (part 3)

9:15 am 

Holy shit shit shit shit shit. 

The view of pine trees and bushes blur as he sprints at full force, Vagastrom as target. 

Leo cannot believe that happened. Hooooooly fuck. 

That fucking homewrecker! Leo can't even eat breakfast without someone fucking ruining it! Damnit! When he gets his hands on that- haaaahhhhh… He slows down, forced by the burning in his lungs and muscles. The cathedral isn't even visible in the horizon anymore, blocked by a dense forest and the distance. For once in his life, Leo is thankful that Alan forces him to go through endurance training at least twice a week. Thanks, himbo. I will hold back one insult today. 

Damn… it feels like he's drinking molten lava with every breath. Leo has to place his shaking hands on his even shakier knees to not collapse as he swallows. No one's around to see him sweat rivers, at least. He might crashout if that happened, especially after… ugh. Whatever. He'll just walk back to his dorm, and pray you don't show up. 

⋆˙⟡

The dorm room Leo lives in is meticulously decorated, so that even with the hard to paint concrete walls and ugly fluorescent lights that he's not allowed to replace, it looks beautiful. There are pristinely arranged books on the glass table that he's never read (and doesn't intend to), and the random pipes in the corner are covered by a closet. Ultimately aesthetic, but boring and cold even with the plush carpet, so Leo is forced to wear both socks and slippers every day to not freeze. Hah. Even your run down, chaotic dorm is better, with it's warm and worn down wooden floors, and cozy atmosphere. Oof, he finally falls down to the mattress. The sound of thumping is still present, even if his breathing has returned to normal already. 

…it was placebo. He knew what the anomaly does beforehand, got hit by it, and just continued to act like a lovesick dork because he thought there would be a clear sign of when it's effects wore off. Honestly, you're an enabler, because- But he made the Pinterest boards months ago, no matter how many bullshit excuses he could come up with right now. One for every room in a house, from entrance to bathroom to kitchen to bedrooms. No no, he started them because he was bored, not because of a crush. But, gradually, with every piece of information about your preferences, the median look became a blend of his and your styles. Ugh! He takes a decorative pillow and strangles it like a maniac. Stupid anomaly, stupid pollen, stupid emo nerd- Knock knock! 

Leo's heart drops down to his ass for a good moment. Is it you? Is it that guy? "Haxs." The sound of low grumbling is a relief. Sho! He doesn't know about all that bullshit! He's oblivious to the fumbling of a century that occurred not even an hour ago! If that information makes it out of that cathedral he'll burn it down himself for fuck's sake. Or get Sho to do it with a dare? Boy's night, like the good old times. 

"Yeah yeah, don't bust down my door, Sho." The mentioned man is wearing the academy uniform, not the Vagastrom one. Low whistle. "Wow, model student Haizono! You wanna become valedictorian or what, dressed up so properly?" Leo already feels better seeing the unimpressed look on Sho's face. He knows it's not judging, or even serious, just… reacting to his banter, as usual. "Yeah, I'll win that Laurel Crown singlehandedly." Chortle, "Mido said we gotta go to undercoverology class, unless we wanna get into trouble." Leo raises an eyebrow at that. Since when has this blondie worried about trouble? "Gotta attend at least once in a while or the teachers get pissy. Less trouble going now than getting bitched at every day." Yeah, uh huh. He'll pass. 

But wait. You know he doesn't go to class. If you looked for him to talk about- ugh, you'd search in Vagastrom, not the campus! "Okay! I'll just change real quick!" Sho looks confused. "Wait, really? The fuck?" And he slams the door to avoid having to explain himself. Leo's luck is turning back! Even if you go to class instead of being dragged around to help others, you have herbology, which is on the other side of the campus. It'll be easy peasy lemon squeezy to avoid you! 

⋆˙⟡

Is Sho hallucinating or was that your hoodie? It's pretty recognizable- also, those clothes were not something Leo wears like, ever? What the hell happened yesterday? He knows you and Leo went to some mall for a mission, but Leo didn't come back to the dorm in the evening. Maybe he showed up late? But- you know what, he'll be better off not caring. He stretches to shake off boredom, and hopes it won't become his problem. 

10:45 am 

So fucking boooooooriiiiiing. He takes back the idea of it being easy to avoid you. It's actually difficult difficult lemon difficult, but it's preferable torture to being forced to talk about that. It's was just too easy to play house, especially when there's a specific kind of torture he wants from you. Snort. A glance to the side reveals Sho is just about to fall asleep, eyes blinking one at a time. Leo's eyes fall on the still cold water bottle, and if anyone would've seen the look on his face, they would've made a swift exit to avoid getting involved. He takes the bottle, and uses it to slowly move aside the hair covering the about-to-be-victim's neck. 

All of the class whips around to look at Sho flailing like a ragdoll, after hearing the man make a sound not unlike a dying seagull. 

"WHAT THE FUCK???" As soon as he came back to his senses, Sho shot a glare that definitely cursed at least 20 of Leo's ancestors. "Haizono, Kurosagi, what-" And the bell rings, interrupting the geezer before he could say anything further. Leo shoves his phone in the pocket of your stolen hoodie, which is worn under the uniform blazer as quiet laughter still shakes his chest. "Keep sharp, Haizono!" He uses the mocking tone of the teacher to make a jab at Sho, who grabs the water bottle in vengeance. "Oh you're not running, stupid bi-" 

⋆˙⟡

He didn't get his revenge. The blond is still smoldering in petty indignation as Leo arranges his ashen hair back to perfect dishevelment, after the thrilling chase. "Still mad? Sucks to suck, Sho." It's so funny to see him seethe. "Uh huh. Sucks that you'll have sand in your bed by evening, dickhead." It's an attempt to sound mad, but there's a clear amusement lacing the words. Whether or not he'll actually go through with the threat? Hell no. He's pretty sure he still sees Sho shimmer on sunny days after dumping glitter in his pillow case four months ago. "Hah. We should go to the beach though, I heard of this spot-" 

And the comfort of distraction is ripped away along with the rest of that sentence. "Huh? What-" A hand shuts his best friend up, as someone passes by the bathrooms. "As I was saying-" He can tell you're talking to Ishibashi from the formal language. You don't usually use that tone, but his best guess is that you only use it with freaks like that. Tri-vision, discount mad scientist, Lucci, and probably Ice Queen, but that's only speculation because of the guy's 'sophisticated' cave dweller tendencies. Scoff, sophisticated his ass. Dude doesn't leave his room, and keeps shooting you booty calls under the guise of seeing you as a servant. Leo bets that albino rat has a tailored maid costume hidden there, specifically made for you. Freak. 

"Haxs." You're already at the end of the hallway, talking about schedules or whatever boring stuff that includes having to account for being on time to meetings. Lick. He snatches his hand back from the smirking traitor's mouth. "Ew, what the fuck?" He wipes the spit on the offender's blazer. "What's up with you and her?" Ugh, the crossed arms show that the himbo's attitude has already infected him. "Nothing. Unless you want glitter in your bed again, shut up." The threat works, but a look of slight disappointment stings Leo. "If you did something stupid, I won't help you. Anyway, I gotta go prepare for lunch hour. Have fun with whatever you're up to." 

11:02 am 

Dickhead. Food truck that, food truck this. And jumping to conclusions like that? He should jump off a- nah. He's better than that. At least with Sho, that is. Anyone else? Fuck 'em. 

It's not lunch time yet… Should he go to the campus store, or the cafeteria? Nah, the hall is always crowded and noisy. And since he's avoiding you, he'd sit alone anyway as Sho's always busy. The only other person he'd even entertain the idea of sitting with would be Lucci, but he doesn't even look the cafeteria's way. So, campus store it is. You always go to the food truck when you're not busy with missions or whatever, and then eat it with either dumb and dumber in the cafeteria or with that green tea bitch and dogboy on the balcony, with Leo often invading the spot next to you. He should also pick up something for this acid reflux that keeps coming back. Leo feels bad for your braincells, they've experienced great and tragic loss in your time spent with those idiots. Deep breath. The scent of your shampoo still lingers on the fabric of the hood. He can feel his muscles relaxing. 

⋆˙⟡

Strawberry? Nah, tastes too artificial. 

Sho's nice, reliable, and goes along with his moods. But he doesn't know shit about Leo. 

Sour apple? Nah, not even close to sour. 

Never takes anything Leo says seriously. Doesn't even really get mad when he does something stupid, pissed? Yeah, but not mad. It won't get brought up later. Forgotten, and automatically forgiven. 

Mango? Maybe, if there are no other options. 

But when nothing's taken seriously, things start to get uncomfortable. Feelings start stagnating like an abandoned pool. Old insults fester like a putrified wound. New arguments feel better than that. 

Cherry? He's only tried it a few times, but it's already his favorite. 

Leo keeps pissing you off on purpose. He makes a backhanded comment? You return it. Extra chili snuck into your food? Salt in his lunch. Equal annoyance is given and received. Conflict is resolved right then and there, even if you have to pull his teeth for it. Arguments are settled in their own difficult way, but that's more carthartic than never talking about it. Maybe some things get joked about later, but not with resentment. 

Yeah, cherry soda and chili tuna onigiri sounds good. He grabs the bottle, balancing it with the food container and acid reflux tablets. Oh, that guy. The first year from Jabberwock, the one you visit the diner for? He's pretty tall… do you like that? Leo's pretty short, after all- but it's adorable, right? Tall guys are just inconvenient, can't fit in showers, or even a bathtub, or an airplane, or- yap yap yap, doesn't fucking matter. 

He fucked up. Leo did kinda know the pollen wore off, before even an hour passed. But it was just so easy to stay in that groove of doting and clinging! Yes, you didn't entertain certain things, but you didn't make him go back to Vagastrom either. You could've called Sho or Mido, but didn't! That means something. You let him stay! You have a high tolerance for whining, so therefore, Leo's not making this shit up. You like him at least a bit, just enough for him to sink his claws into and not let go. 

Oh yeah. He can salvage this situation. Not all hope is lost for sappy date nights and steamy makeouts, or that already fully planned wedding, with a month long honeymoon to Italy. 

⋆˙⟡

Ren is so over this. Why the fuck is that influencer guy smiling like that? He could literally feel the death stare drilling into his skull just seconds ago?? What the fuck why is he giggling like a fucking haunted doll??? Hurry up cashier man, he's gotta escape NOW. PLEASE. 

11:33 am 

The onigiri wasn't quite as hot as he had hoped it would be, but became edible enough with the help of his trusty spice bottle. The remaining cherry soda washes away the last grains of rice stuck in his teeth. It's a sweet flavor, but sour enough to not get sick of it anytime soon. Or ever, it's really good. Maybe he could get a sponsorship from the company? Worth a try, at least. 

'Thank you for your order! Purchase confirmation will be sent to your e-mail.' Mhm, first step, check. Some Mortkranken students pass by, and one of them flinches at the sight of Leo like a timid deer hearing a twig snap. Leo sends the most saccharine smile he's got, and the NPC pales at the gesture. Hoho, he'll send that request this evening. Dude didn't think he'd get away with that shit, did he? Dumbass. 

⋆˙⟡

Pretty much only shy people sit alone at lunch in this portion Darkwick. Leo's not shy by any stretch, and neither are you, really. You were for a while, when he first met you. It's a part of getting cursed and thrown in the middle of a 50/50 deadly or just bitchy battle royale in under 24 hours, though. Starting out without a spine like a worm, but eventually turning into a beetle, instead of a fragile butterfly. Sure, pretty damn easy to kill as far as anomalies are involved, but not completely defenseless against fellow humans or insults. 

On your first meeting, you barely looked Leo in the eye. Nothing really remarkable, even easy to target for entertainment, if it weren't for you already gaining the favor of both the Frostheim ghouls and himbo in a few weeks time. Pretty impressive, honestly, and even more impressive that you didn't just give up and die after getting almost dropped to your death by that tulpa. 

You could've died back there. That could've been your final day, and it would've been Leo's fault. In that timeline, where you died, Leo wouldn't even feel bad for it, would he? Maybe it would've been an inconvenience, a severe scolding from Cap and some detention from Darkwick staff, but no real remorse for it, huh? Maybe he'd even rag on Sho for having a useless stigma, or something, but already forgetting your name after a month. Would his friendship with Sho have stayed strong, or get eroded by time and new circumstances, like now? 

But that timeline isn't this one. You didn't die, you survived, and grew even stronger. You started making direct eye contact, then standing up for your friends with conviction of steel, and by now, started going on duo missions with Leo, with only minimal complaining out of habit. Leo hates change, but that personality flip was more than welcomed. Finally, a real friend that calls out his bullshit, and doesn't talk behind his back! Everyone knows him as a popular influencer, and a smaller group knows he's a toxic cunt, but only you consistently defend him. Not when people justifiably complain about getting blackmailed or insulted, but when someone thinks he's just an airheaded baby bitch who can't fight. Yeah, Sho defends him too, but noticeably less. When he does, he's either looking for a fight, or just plain doesn't like that person. And sure, Leo can handle it, but fuck does it feel better when someone stands up for him. After all, there's only two people in his life he can talk to without worrying about getting backstabbed or ignored. It's the reason he's sitting alone right now, as well. 

This plan has to work. He chews on a well manicured nail, and tastes the bitterness of clear polish. It has to, or he'll go off the rails like sharktooth Chucky from Sinostra. He'll eat Bonnie first, out of spite. 

1:42 pm 

"Hmmm… that sounds delicious as well, so it's quite difficult to choose. What do you recommend?" Mr Beans On Toast and Mr Beans For Brains are standing right in the hallway where his class is. Fuck. The chances of you showing up just just shot up like 800%. Why the hell are they here anyway? You and the two professional dickriders have artifact studies next, not enigmatology! "Uhh, well, I usually go for the shoyu chicken. You should ask her too, since I don't eat in ramen restaurants that much." They're talking about you now. Leo knows, because no other person that has a pussy talks to Fuji, or gets within a 10 meter radius of the dude out of anything but obligation or accident. He sends a final look around the corner. You're going out with them today? Have you already told them about yesterday and this morning? Shitfuck, he can't risk being seen by them, they'll definitely snitch on the spot if you ask. Fuck it. Leo's been a teacher's pet enough for the day, he can go back to his dorm already. 

"Kaito." That tone sends a shiver down his spine, even if it's not his own name you're saying. Wait, you're here? He has to haul ass, now. "Remedial class? Again? I told you to study more." Fuck, that should be him! Fuji clearly doesn't appreciate the privilege of getting scolded by you, if the whiny excuses are anything to go off of. If he was the one getting told off, he'd piss you off even more. So much so, that you'd have no choice but to bend him over and spank him for every minute of class missed… these pants feel uncomfortable. At least your hoodie covers it up. 

⋆˙⟡

Leo's already outside, leisurely strolling towards Vagastrom, when his phone buzzes. 

Sho: yo leo 

Sho: (y/n) asked if ur alright 

Sho: i said yea 

Leo: ok 

Sho: u need to tell me what happened bro 

Leo: no im not telling shit its nothing 

Leo: and stay out of it. i have 5 bags of glitter on hand. dont even try. 

Sho: ok damn 

Yeah, don't even try. Leo can't have anyone intervening on this delicate situation right now, especially not him or Cap. No one else either, or he'll break the record of a 3 day streak of not doxxing anyone as retaliation. He shoves the phone back in the hoodie's pocket, and hustles even faster as an ominous, but a bit too familiar cackle of a certain redheaded gambler rings out. Not today, Satan. 

7:58 pm 

Aaand posted! His muscles relax in relief as the screen of the sticker-covered laptop turns black, freeing Leo from the filming and editing process of a new video. A slight moan escapes, as he stretches out on the queensize bed like a cat. Damn, I'm a hard worker. He takes a moment to shut his eyes, to find some relief from the slight burning caused by being continuously flashbanged by bluelight. At least that's over, and now he can doomscroll as a treat! Let's see… Ugh, his algorithm is fucked up. Seeing all the wedding and family influencers right now isn't salt in his wounds, but the whole fucking spice cabinet. Ooh, a bouquet like that though? He saves it, before switching to another burner account. You know, the one where he follows everything your friends post about you? Yeah, that one! Nothing's really been posted though… Hotarubi's vice captain had an iced matcha latte, yada yada, oh. Fuji's post. Now, Leo is painfully aware that the romantic relationship with you that he posts on social media is fake. Leo himself specifically told you to not think anything of it, even if he changed his mind by now. Every picture of you two holding hands, or going on cutesy cafe dates was for content. But come on. This definitely feels like cheating! He glares poison daggers at the digital picture of you and the two idiots, sitting side by side, holding overstuffed ice cream cones. And he recognizes the logo imprinted on the waffles. Because it's from a popular date spot. Where he wants to take you. 

Does that mushroom-headed little bitch think Leo is a cuck? That he'll stand by as these dickheads make moves on you? Fuck no. Time needs to move a whole lot faster right now, he thinks, as the burning feeling of jealousy itches under his skin, like the marching of a million fire ants. Anticipation of getting to fulfill his plan starts to physically hurt, and it's as though he's possessed, with every position taken feeling uncomfortable, when the thought of you with anyone else takes over. Ragged breaths shake his ribs, as he swallows and focuses on the faint cracks of the ceiling. 

A shuddering breath calms him down slightly. Soon. As soon as you're his real girlfriend, life will be perfect, and this suffering will be worthy of that. He can cling onto you like a boa, and not let go, ever. He can put trackers on you. No onewill take you away, and he'll get his happy ending no matter what. Each day starts in bed next to you, and ends the same way. Taking baths together, shopping for groceries, going out for dates. No second will be spent apart, he daydreams, as his thighs start to rub together. Mhm, you'd come home from work on weekdays, and get greeted by Leo and two children. Your children, because he'll knock you up as soon as possible. Even before the wedding, as his hand ghosts over the front of his pajama pants, you'd be tied down even without a ring. A satisfied sigh is conjured when his hips are no longer covered by fabric. A moan, when his hand finally wraps itself around the flushed shaft. Each year, you'd have two vacations, as the first stroke rips out a gasp. One with the whole family, and the other? Just you two, a squeeze to the weeping tip. A whole two weeks, consisting of eating good food, taking photos, and sensual fucking in whatever destination you'd landed in. He doesn't even need lube right now, with the amount of precum his fantasies provoke. Each snippet of delusion is accompanied by a slapping sound, and the fire of jealousy is replaced by an intense heat in his lower stomach. 

A white light and ringing noise fills his senses, as a burst of cum shoots out to stain his shirt with a long, high-pitched moan. Or rather, your shirt that he was wearing before running off. Ugh, it's all over him, from hips, to stomach, to his hand. Sigh. He needs to calm down at least a bit. You're not really interested in anyone, he grits his teeth, which unfortunately includes himself. 

You probably wouldn't like it if he babytrapped you. In fact, you might hate him for even attempting, and leave him. Which, clearly, wouldn't be ideal. He'll just propose after a year, and then marry you right after graduation. Wedding night though? A devious grin breaks his afterglow serenity. It's free real estate. 

10:03 pm 

Leo: have it ready by tomorrow, before 1 pm. any later? those posts will guarantee getting blacklisted from every school and workplace imaginable. do you understand? 

Mortkranken Creep: Understood 

Man, this blackmail shit is easy. Leo can practically hear the guy shaking in his cheap sneakers, even over text. He spits out a wad of minty froth in the sink, and grins at the mirror to see his teeth shine. Perfect! The lights of the bathroom are off with a click, and he practically skips over to his bed. His meticulous skincare routine is done, and he even used a special face mask in preparation for tomorrow. All that's left to do is sleep well, fetch his extra fast delivery packet in the morning, and visit that gooner schmuck in the noon. Then? His plan is as good as accomplished, and he'll be wearing a cute apron and tight leggings in four years time. For now, Leo cozies up in the Egyptian cotton-covered duvets, and breathes in the scent of your shampoo that still lingers in the hoodie he's wearing. He can't wait for tomorrow. 

9:16 am 

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Where the fuck is that packet? Leo is currently shaking like a cocaine-addicted chihuahua, pacing near the mail building. If the definition of insanity is repeating an action, expecting the end result to change, Leo needs to be locked up in a mental ward. For other reasons as well, but whatever. The kimchi in his sandwich crunches with an unnecessarily aggressive bite. You sent a text this morning, asking if he's alright. Leo had to chew on his pillow to not giggle like a maniac, though Alan still looked at him weird when they crossed paths in the common area. But that doesn't matter in any capacity, as the notification of 'Your packet has arrived! Please pick it up as soon as possible!' appears with another refresh. The piece of sandwich still in his mouth almost chokes him, as Leo almost lets out a villainous laugh. 

Just before rounding the corner, he freezes. Fuck fuck fucking fuck, you and carrot top are right in front of the mail building! Another cautious peek. Whatever that guy said cannot be that funny. Obnoxious fucker, leave already! This is so unfair. 

⋆˙⟡

Leo starts manifesting a painful death on Haru, who just wanted to tell (y/n) about the new hats he bought for Peekaboo. "Come visit soon, and you'll see how cool they are! One's a bucket hat, and the other is an orange crocheted wig! We'll really look like father and son, right? Gyahahah!" And he waves the honor student goodbye, gleefully wishing luck on her exam next week, before entering the mail building. 

While waiting for his packet to be found in the back, the usually stuffy and honestly quite hot temperature inside drops to a spine-chilling freeze. Haru turns to sneak a subtle look at the person who just entered. Kurosagi seems pretty harmless, but currently? He gulps, and prays the Vagastrom first year would blink. A thick layer of sweat appears, and Haru prays for the mail cats to work faster. That stare has him scared for his life. 

12:59 pm 

Target located. The Mortkranken student, who had the unfortunate luck of gaining attention from Leo, is shuffling nervously on a park bench. Getting closer… "Boo!" The dude doesn't even scream, but jumps up like a prisoner in an electric chair at the feeling of two hands slapping down on his shoulders. Leo can't help but snicker at the sight of the student gasping for air. "Wha- what." Trembling like a leaf in a hurricane, the student turns to Leo. "K-K-Kurosagi, you-" "Oh, quit the stuttering. D-d-do you have what I need or not? I'm not here to talk about the weather." He's a busy man, can't you see? Probably not, with those overgrown, greasy bangs. Tch. This loser's a certified creep. He used the anonymous confessions board to post a degenerate fantasy about stealing your clothes and marrying you, as if he had any chance. Pathetic.

"Yeah. Here. It's, uh, supposed to last for 4 hours, with one-" Leo snatches up the small pouch, causing the guy to flinch back. "Uh huh. If it doesn't work, or causes any weird side effects, everyone on campus will know you jack off to the honor student daily. Have a nice life!" The ashen haired man skips off with a saccharine mockery of a goodbye, and starts to head on over to the cathedral. It's Friday, and it'll be a very long weekend.