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dangermousie · 4 years

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2020 End of Year Post - cdrama edition

This is only going to cover cdramas that aired in 2020; if I had to make a post about all the cdramas I watched this year, I would still be doing it in three months...

Overall it’s been a fairly decent cdrama year (certainly better than the very lacklustre kdrama year.) It’s no miracle that 2019 was (so many excellent dramas!) but overall pretty solid.

DRAMAS WATCHED

(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

44 The Legend of Jing Yan - the worst cdrama I have seen this year, and possibly the worst drama of 2020, period. The hero and heroine were both uncharismatic, incapable of acting and saddled with such shrilly moronic characters, the only suspense was how they haven’t both perished long since from forgetting to breathe. Nor was anyone in the rest of the cast much better; the screenplay was written by a lower mammal and the cinematography was the best a third-rate wedding cinematographer could offer. Stay the HELL away from this one.

43 Unicorn Girl - the only unicorn about this bland yet irritating piece of pap was the fact that I was supposed to believe the leads are hockey players.

42 Autumn Cicada - I like spy stories, Allen Ren, and Republican Era settings. I can tune out Communist propaganda with the best of them. Yet, the propaganda ate the story to such a degree that there was nothing left; pre magic change Pinocchio was less wooden then this narrative.

41 You Complete Me - no you do not.

40 Skate into Love - the only positive thing I can say about this is that at least it’s better than Unicorn Girl, if for no other reason that only one of them is supposed to be a hockey player.

39 Irreplaceable Love - how do you make a story about fake siblings with a mad mother falling for each other boring? I don’t know, ask the makers of this.

38 Eternal Love Rain - I hate to rain on their parade, but these two actors cannot act, have about as much chemistry as a piece of bread, and are trapped in a story perfect for entertaining the mental abilities of the leads of Jin Yan.

37 For Married Doctoress - ummmm, you could do worse I guess. It only made me break out in mild hives. The sadistic ending did make me laugh though.

36 Dance of the Sky Empire - why you get Xu Kai and waste him in this insipid mess of a story is beyond me.

35 Love Designer - it’s inoffensive except to my sense of entertainment. There is nothing wrong with it but oh God is it bland.

34 Love a Lifetime - It felt like a lifetime watching this, but I didn’t love it. The story is incoherent, the actors have no chemistry and it’s all an epic waste of time.

33 Love is Sweet - so sweet it gave me diabetes. I like Luo Yunxi and Bai Lu, but there is literally no plot. I don’t need to sink into a plotless morass to watch pretty people engage in PG-rated make-outs. I am an adult with access to stronger stuff if I am thus inclined, though to be fair they could get x-rated and I still wouldn’t be able to sit through so many episodes of plotlessness for that.

32 Fake Princess - I love Zhao Yi Qin, but the guy needs to pick better projects. The female lead in this one has the voice and personality that can strip paint but the story is also doing nobody any favors.

31 The Changan Youth - I lost my brain checking this out. I had to go and read a dense treatise on medieval coinage or Mayan farming to try to recover it.

30 My Dear Destiny - kinda cheesy fun. It honestly shouldn’t be as low except it really feels like community theater.

29 Handsome Siblings - why is the Nic Tse version so good and this one so bad? True mystery for the ages. Chen Zhe Yuan is the sole reason this isn’t lower, because that kid tries SO HARD to make this drama bearable and almost succeeds. I can’t wait to see him in Sha Po Lang which actually will give him something to do.

28 In a Class of Her Own - see my comment on The Changan Youth. But at least Song Weilong is gorgeous to look at.

27 General’s Lady - inoffensive, pretty and so utterly pointless.

26 The Blooms at Ruyi Pavilion - those two leading actors are a no go to me but at least they considerately acted with each other instead of ruining two dramas for me. It’s very pretty though.

25 Jiu Liu Overlord - it’s a mess and I bailed, but I placed it this high merely due to the fact that Lai Yi finally gets a leading role and he’s sexy as fuck and I am shallow. Whoever styled Bai Lu should never work again except at a circus, however.

24 Cross Fire - not my genre and Luhan will always look too much like my cousin for comfort, but it’s a surprisingly gripping and dark drama. I liked it!

23 God of Lost Fantasy - if you want to watch a mediocre wuxia/xianxia, this is not a bad choice. Probably better than Legend of Fei actually, because at least it doesn’t have an A-list cast to waste and gives us Sheng Yilun himbo and shirtless.

22 Renascence - the insane cuts (it went from 70 eps to 36!!!) made a fairly cheesy story into a total mess. But I had a good time until I finally bailed mainly because of the male lead (Chen Zhe Yuan yet again carrying a not-good 2020 drama on his shoulders; the guy should be nicknamed Atlas) and the insane but in a fun way story. The female lead (both the character and the actress) were not up to par but oh well.

21 Legend of Fei - only this high because objectively there is nothing I disliked it. But there is nothing I liked either. The most uninspired drama on the list. If you could eat cardboard, this is what it would taste like.

20 Ever Night 2 - compared to EN1, it’s a waste of film. On its own merits, it’s not very good (the cast replacements are uniformly inferior and Dylan Wang is so wrong for Ning Que I cannot even put it into words; the script is useless.) But it had some parts I loved so very VERY much (all the shippy stuff was perfection) so I don’t feel too bitter.

19 Castle in the Sky 2 - a lovely if not too complex fairy tale. It is inferior to its prequel because it doesn’t have Zhang Ruo Yun who elevated it, but it’s still a solid bit of fun.

18 The Great Ruler - it’s very high fantasy, very pretty, and surprisingly involving.

17 (tie) Legend of Two Sisters in the Chaos - the secondary couple steals the show but the rest is not too bad if not too involving.

17 Legend of Awakening - a solid bit of fun with a seriously BDSM streak (theme this year apparently - but come on, the lead’s powers only activate when he’s in extreme pain!) It’s a bit generic and the costuming is done by a blind person, not to mention the OTP is a NOTP, but the rest of relationships (romantic and platonic) are wonderful (I live for the found siblings story in this one) and I like most of the characters.

16 Consummation - a rare modern cdrama I liked; a sweet coming of age story (and love story) even if wrapped in a pretty weird virtual reality concept.

15 Oops the King is in Love - this is how you do a low budget, sweet, silly piece of fluff. Our heroine pretends to be a eunuch and crosses paths with a powerless young king and they are adorable, even more so than the drama.

14 Song of Glory - pretty solid, though draggy and I didn’t love the toothpaste filter. But A+ cast, excellent leading couple chemistry, Li Qin being a BAMF and a leading man (Qin Hao) who is actually an adult.

13 And the Winner is love - objectively kind of a mess (and the heroine has the brainpower of a gnat), but the OTP chemistry is excellent and Luo Yunxi fighting and flirting with a fan as finally a leading man is worth the price of admission.

12 Miss S - snazzy and snappy and stylish and whatever else starts with S.

11 Eternal Love of Dream - I don’t know if it would work for you as well if you weren’t a hardcore shipper for this OTP in Three Lives but I was and this was such a darling, wonderful, shippy delight; plus I love this type of high fantasy.

10 (tie) Maiden Holmes - solid and sweet and a wonderful OTP. Proves that functional doesn’t have to mean boring. If you watch one cross-dressing drama this year make it this one.

10 Qin Dynasty Epic - srs bsns history epic. I am not far into it but it’s so good and smart and visually stunning (if you love battles, this one is for you.)

9 Love Lasts Two Minds - I adored this so much more than I should objectively have, but it’s so beautiful (and no I am not just referring to Alan Yu’s face) and the OTP has wonderful chemistry and the story is solid, and the whole trope of her memory being wiped but falling for him all over again while he’s constantly and utterly devoted is a fave; plus he’s in pain and semi-dyng for most of it so sluuuurp (happy ending, don’t worry)

8 To Love - yes, a modern drama is this high! But it involves intensity, tragedy, genuine adults and sexiness that is Lin Gengxin. And there is an actual plot and darkness OMG!

7 Legend of Xiao Chuo - so beautiful, so fun, so full of gorgeousness of Shawn Dou. Plus, Liao is a rare setting for a cdrama and there are a lot of characters and stories I liked a LOT. Less ship content than I wanted but more than I expected.

6 The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so so delightful. I was literally laughing out loud. I have no idea if it will work as well if one isn’t a seasoned watcher of period cdrama/reader of web novels, with bonus for watching/reading Goodbye My Princess, but it was a complete delight for me (and yes, I shipped for real, as well. Best of both worlds.)

5 Twisted Fate of Love - Jin Han gets a leading period drama role! And he’s enjoying it to the hilt, excellent as a smart, twisty bastard who is also charming and so madly in love with heroine. Sun Yi is beautiful and tough and her chemistry with JH is on fire, the story never drags, and it’s so twisty and fun and just awesome.

4 Love In Between - the most underrated drama on this list. It has no big names or big budget, but it’s wuxia that’s clever, driven, tragic, hopeful and so beautifully shot. Three separate (amazing) OTPs, a leading man who is so not typical (a doctor who cannot fight and who never acquires this ability) and who is intense and smart and damaged, a heroine who puts her quest ahead of her emotions, an unhealthy degree of involvement by yours truly. This is a drama Fei should have been.

3 Love and Redemption - such a lovely, addictive, utterly romantic fairy tale. I was obsessed with it for a reason. All the tropes you love and some you didn’t know you did, a star-crossed OTP to the nth power (and a secondary OTP I hardcore love), a twisty yet coherent plot, some insane chemistry and so much whump and hurt/comfort they must have bought blood packets in bulk.

2 Go Ahead - yes, I can’t believe it either. A contemporary slice of life cdrama made it this high on my list. But the way it feels so real, the found family perfection, the characters I love and loathe, the perfect cherry of a wonderful OTP that hits my narrative kinks on top, and just a perfect storm of loveliness all around with this one.

1 The Wolf - is that any surprise to anyone who’s checked out this tumblr for the last couple of months? Tragic, intense and gorgeous; so romantic and angsty and passionate it made me lose my mind (though some of it was gone the moment the camera panned to Darren Wang) - all my favorite tropes and then some; this is a drama that may not be perfect but it is 100% and then beyond perfect for ME.

FAVORITE DRAMA

The Wolf - I have seen objectively better cdramas; even this year. But it has been literal years since I have been this hardcore obsessed, this utterly pleased, this emotionally catered to and devastated at once. A beautiful dark fairy tale that manages to own me despite the storytelling gaps due to censorship, it took me for one of the biggest emotional roller coaster rides of my drama watching career. Visually gorgeous, poetic, intense, and so romantic it took my breath away, this is not just my favorite cdrama of 2020, it’s my favorite drama this year period, and the one cdrama this year to make it into my permanent Top 10 cdramas list.

WORST DRAMA

Legend of Jin Yan - see my write up for it for why as I refuse to waste more time on this stupid mess.

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Wolfie, The Wolf - he is such a haunted, tormented, complex, dark mess; loving and violent, severely damaged and with a hidden yearning softness, longing and aloof. And the amount of charisma and sheer masculine sex appeal Darren Wang brings to the role is insane and not something I see much of in a cdrama. Plus, that character arc with its rapid fall and slow painful redemption is A++++

Runner Up: Sifeng, Love and Redemption - has a male lead ever loved more utterly and selflessly, suffered more thoroughly and beautifully, and managed to have such chemistry with both his leading lady and his leading man (that his leading lady temporarily turned into) at once? The answer is no.

Almost made the cut - Feng Xi, Twisted Fate of Love, Han Shuo, The Romance of Tiger and Rose, Qing Ci, Love in Between.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Xiao Qian, The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so funny, so much the reason this drama was such a delight. I adore her beyond words.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

Murder Daddy, The Wolf - I am sad the censors robbed us of seeing him die on screen. He was fully human but nonetheless managed to be the worst monster in a drama full of literal ones.

Ling Xiao’s Mom, Go Ahead - I hate her so much I don’t want to look up her name. She abused the kid, the disappeared and came back to abuse him some more. I mean she literally gave her child mental health issues. She is the WORST.

FAVORITE SHIP

Xing’er x Wolfie, The Wolf - are you kidding me? Who else could it ever be for me? They destroyed each other and saved each other, sworn enemies and childhood lovers, soulmates and epic messes, they couldn’t live with or without each other. The longing, the passion, the intensity, the angst, the epicness. LIKE THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!!

FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP

Si Yuan, Shen Manqing, Love in Between - I loved them as much and often more than the main OTP. So much angst and passion and a happy ending! She is a seeming sect darling (except the sect is horrible and also sexist so her only worth is as a marriage candidate) and he’s an information broker who is actually one of the members of a destroyed sect that’s blamed for the massacre of her family. That chemistry and yearning is insane. The scene where she touches his face when he’s unconscious was in serious running for my favorite scene of 2020.

NOTP

Legend of Awakening - I have never seen a couple that didn’t just have no chemistry but exhibited actual revulsion towards each other before watching Chen Feiyu and Cheng Xiao try to act as lovers in this one. It was almost entertaining to be honest.

FAVORITE SCENE

It’s a tie and both are from The Wolf. One is a sequence where Wolfie marches to the walls alone, seeking death at Xing’er’s hands and the whole sequence with the battle and rescue follows. The other is the intercut between Xing’er going to her wedding and Wolfie going to his execution, and the auto-da-fe being intercut with her wedding.

BIGGEST CRUSH

Wolfie, The Wolf - Ummm have you seen this tumblr lately, it’s basically a drool shrine to the man.

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Yelü Yansage, The Legend of Xiao Chuo - I have loved this actor since The Myth and he continued to competently steal every scene he was in.

NEEDS A SEQUEL

To Love - come out of the coma, dammit!!!!!!!

NEEDS A DIRECTOR’S CUT

The Wolf - duh. It started out as 59 eps and got cut to 49. I reaiize some stuff is never gonna get put in due to censorship, but some of the stuff that got cut got for time reasons because they were deluded and hoping to get a TV broadcast so ep count had to be under 50. I mean I doubt the censors would care if they kept scenes of Wolfie building her a swing or whatever. I really really want a director’s cut the way Goodbye My Princess did even if like with GMP it’s only three extra eps. Hell, I will take extra three minutes, as long as those three minutes are Darren Wang shirtless or with a sword. Ahem.

NEEDS SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

The Song of Glory - it’s a fairly solid drama but honestly it didn’t need to be as long as it was and kind of got draggy and I got lost interest. (I could have gotten snarky and said all the dramas I didn’t like needed scissors taken to them in their entirety but decided to play nice.)

TOO MANY SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

There are a number of dramas I could complain about with regard to this (hi there, darling The Wolf!) but this award goes to Renascence - poor Renascence was never going to be a masterpiece, but it had the potential to be a bit of good cheesy fun until it had its run time cut by more than half and became an incoherent piece of insanity.

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Dumb shrill innocent heroine who can’t tie her shoes - see basically all the cdramas I didn’t like this year.

FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF

Male lead torture - I mean it’s always open season on that in cdramas, but between Love and Redemption, The Wolf, Love Lasts Two Minds, Love in Between and so on, it was a banner year!

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Legend of Fei - what a waste of that cast; what a waste of our finite time on this Earth. What a waste of my intelligence to hope for something better and stick with it for a dozen eps. I have had stale wonderbread that had more personality than this drama.There is absolutely nothing that stands out about this drama in any way, from half-dimensional characters, to actors who are sleepwalking, to a plot that moves at the speed of an arthritic snail, to uninspired cinematography and direction, to lack of any chemistry between anyone in the cast. If paint-by-numbers was done by a group of particularly linear robots, it might come across the same way as this drama.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

The Wolf - honestly, I did not expect it to come out AT ALL EVER let alone to become my favorite drama of 2020. I was not familiar with the leading man (hahah), I liked Li Qin but wasn’t yet obsessed with her, and Xiao Zhan was excellent in The Untamed but I was hardly going to follow him from drama to drama (and I don’t do SLS any way.) And the trailer was enjoyable but unlike seemingly everyone, I didn’t think it was going to be some epic masterpiece. And then it came out and while it wasn’t objectively an epic masterpiece, it pulled out all the favorite tropes, shippy and narrative kinks from the deepest darkest recesses of my id. And I fell harder than I have in years.

2020 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

None. Covid Year gave me PLENTY of time

BEST NON-2020 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2020

Novoland Eagle Flag and Joy of Life - they are in my Top 10 dramas from anywhere now. They are quite different except being smart and giving me protagonists to obsess over.

ETA: Also The Untamed because @idlewilds3 pointed out I actually watched it in 2020 even though I didn’t think so because this hellyear has lasted about three decades.

MOST ANTICIPATED IN 2021

I am gonna limit it to dozen and leaving out ones that aren’t necesarily supposed to air next year (Joy of Life 2, Love in Flames of War, Novoland Princess from Plateau.)

Monarch Industry, Novoland Pearl Eclipse, Silk Washing Stream, Dream of Changan, Sword Snow Stride, Wu Xing Shi Jia, Ancient Love Poetry, Immortality, The Long Ballad, Mirror Twin Cities, The Imperial Age, Fall In Love

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peggyrose19 · 4 years

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Red Carpet

oh gods i need help. Okay, some fluffy Coops because that last chapter was perfection and also cause @im-oknutzy-trash asked. I totally didn’t proofread this (again) (we’re all shocked, I know). And no, I did absolutely no research for this, just used what Haz put in SW so sorry not sorry if any of it’s incorrect. Thank you Dio for the wonderful outfit ideas from many weeks ago. And thank you for the characters, @lumosinlove, this has been truly an amazing experience and I cannot wait to see where you go next!

Like always, leave a comment and I’ll love you forever!

All Stars crept up on them fast. It felt like barely any time had passed since the beginning of the season. When it was announced Sirius was going once again, no one was surprised. But this year Remus was going with him.

It still felt like a dream, even months later. Waking up beside Sirius, heading to the rink together. Getting changed together in the locker room with all the other boys. Playing together on the same line. It was his biggest dream finally coming true. He had everything he’d ever wanted at his fingers and he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“We gotta pack,” Remus said over the rushing water of the shower.

“Right now?” Sirius asked around a mouthful of toothpaste, glancing over at the shower, even if he couldn’t actually see his fiance.

Remus stuck his head out, smirking. “No, you asshole. Tonight.”

Sirius spit into the sink and looked up at him adoringly. “You have soap in your hair,” he said.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know. Cause I was washing it.” Sirius just grinned more and stepped forward to press a kiss to his lips. “Mph, you taste like toothpaste.”

He pulled back and went to wash out his mouth, watching as Remus disappeared again behind the shower curtain. A few minutes later, the water shut off and he reappeared again, grabbing a towel from the rack. Sirius leaned against the sink, watching.

“What’re you thinking about?” Remus asked as he toweled his hair dry. “You have that look on your face.”

“Be my date to All Stars?”

Remus just rolled his eyes and wrapped the towel around his waist. “Do you even ask dates to that?” he asked, the phrase rolling off his tongue nearly out of habit.

Sirius pulled him in, hands wrapping around his back. “No,” he said, and kissed him again. “Will you?”

“Yes.”

The two of them stood waiting to walk the red carpet, cameras and people in every direction. Remus had his hand in Sirius’, fidgeting anxiously. He wasn’t used to this.

“It’ll be okay, mon loup,” Sirius murmured under his breath.

“I know, it’s just-” he sighed- “there’s so many people.” Sirius didn’t say anything, just pressed a gentle kiss to his temple.

“I’m glad you’re here with me.”

Before Sirius had a chance to respond, they were ushered forward. It was their turn for interviews.

The rest of the carpet went by in a blur. Before they knew it, they were heading back to their hotel. Remus leaned against Sirius in the elevator, exhausted now that it was over. All the nervous energy had left his body, leaving him drained. Sirius just wrapped an arm around him and held him up, leading him out of the elevator once they reached their floor.

“I feel like I could sleep for a month,” Remus sighed, flopping onto the bed the minute Sirius opened the door.

“Don’t you want some food first?” Sirius asked amusedly, walking towards him. “Or do you want to change? Even if I do love seeing you dressed up like this.” Remus had sat up as Sirius approached, looking up at him. Sirius ran his hands down Remus’ sides, feeling the rough material of his grey suit, eyes taking in the rainbow tie and number 12 tie clip, the mascara applied to his long lashes, the gold glitter in his hair. He leaned down to kiss him.

“You don’t look too bad yourself, Captain,” Remus muttered against his mouth, and then pulled back to admire him. He had been too nervous to really appreciate it before, but now it felt like he had all the time in the world.

Sirius was dressed in a sleek black suit with red, pink, and gold flowers embroidered onto the fabric. His jacket was split to show off the necklace hanging proudly around his neck, matching silver and gold rings adorning his fingers, including the engagement ring on his left hand. He had even agreed to makeup, and his eyeliner nearly made Remus combust.

At Remus’ words, Sirius just grinned, lips stained pink from lipstick, and Remus wanted to die.

But then Sirius asked, “Food?” and Remus wanted to kill him.

“Ugh, did you really just ask me that?” he groaned. Sirius smirked.

“Yes? I’m hungry.”

“You really are a child,” he muttered, before standing up. It brought them closer, only inches between them now. Both of them were smiling. “What do you want to eat?”

“You.”

Remus smacked him.

“Ow!”

“I hit your arm, calm down.”

Sirius pouted. Remus rolled his eyes.

“What do you want for dinner?”

He grinned. “Where’s the room service thing? I’m thinking pasta.”

“Sounds good.”

When the room service arrived, Sirius was lying on Remus, head on his chest. Remus’ hand was tangled in his hair, petting it gently.

“Up.” Remus nudged him gently. Groaning, Sirius rolled over and watched as he went to the door, tipping the bellboy and bringing the cart inside.

They ate quickly, smiling at each other over the platter they’d placed on the bed. When Remus moved it to the side, Sirius clambered over and sat fully in his lap.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” He nuzzled into him, nose brushing his cheek. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”

“Me too.”

Sirius pulled back to kiss Remus sweetly, arms wrapped tightly around him. He held him there, hands going back to his hair. They kissed for a while, wrapped in each other's arms. It was what felt like hours later when Remus pulled away, both of them gasping for breath.

“We should change,” he murmured. “Get some sleep.”

“Shower?”

Remus smiled again. “Sure, we can shower.”

“Even though I do love seeing you in makeup.”

“Likewise, but I want sleep.”

“Okay, okay. So bossy.”

The two of them got ready for bed slowly, leisurely. Remus couldn’t believe he was here, with his fiance about to play in the NHL All Stars games. He reveled in the fact that they were actually doing it, playing together and being together. They were actually doing it.

“What’re you thinking about?” Sirius asked as he brushed his teeth.

Remus smiled. “How lucky we are.” Sirius went still, looking at him. Then he smiled.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

#lumosinlove #coops #fluff #all stars #THANK YOU HAZEL #oneshot #cuteness #this is my coping mechanism y'all #hope you liked it

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pm-my-hubbies · 4 years

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Best Years | R.C.

Requested by @imawreckandiknowit

Pairing: Rafe x Female!Reader

Word count: 1.7k

Warning: a bit of angst with fluff

Song Prompt List

You've got a million reasons to hesitate

But darling, the future is better than yesterday

I wasted so much time on people that reminded me of you

Gave you a million reasons to walk away

Of all the moments I envisioned for myself, Rafe Cameron climbing through my bedroom window with sweat slicking that forehead of his was an image I never conjured. He radiated confidence whenever and wherever, never seeking out help because he believed it was for the weak. However, he stood before me after pleading for my hand in an idea I’ve constantly tried to push to the back of my mind.

I’m in love with him. I could take the leap forward but everything we’ve been through prevents me from doing so. That one brief period between us, the one time we did give intimate moments a shot had been ripped away from me. He was quick to move on as I sobbed in my shower for months until the water ran cold of slithering down my back. Yet... I remained close to him.

I stayed by his side through all three relationships, patting him on the back to ease his pain. In reality, I was breaking inside because his tears for other girls confirmed his love died for me. Now, he stood before me claiming the opposite.

“You could’ve walked away.” His voice broke the tension before us after his first set of words. “But you didn’t. Why?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know R—”

“Don’t give me that Y/N.”

“Then don’t ask stupid questions. You know why I didn’t walk away Rafe and I’m not gonna say it.”

He only stared, confirming what I knew to be true. “You’re right. I can’t play dumb.” He dragged himself over to my bed and placed himself on the disheveled sheets with his head hung low. “The answer finally came to me today. The whole time, I built up this image that you had moved on and you were done with me. It was my fault we ended things back then. So, I chased after every girl that reminded me of you and when we ended things... it hurt.” He picked his head up, gazing into my eyes with watery ones. “They walked away with your traits and I felt like that was all I had left of you.”

I couldn’t watch him eat himself away anymore with the memories he had to relive. My legs climbed his sitting frame, straddling both sides of his body. “Rafe, why did you do it?”

“I felt like I wasn’t ready.” He answered, his hands sliding up my waist. “Yes, I have all of the money in the world to give you. But I felt like I wasn’t on your level yet. You’re smart, sweet, unique. You’re everything a guy could want and I wasn’t that yet.”

His thumb moved up to swipe my cheeks. I watched him remove it from where they were to see a clear liquid caught under the moonlight peeking through my window. God, I can’t be seriously crying.

“That’s not your decision to make, Rafe. That’s my own. I decide if we’re the right match and... I honestly thought we were perfect for each other. We balanced one another out. I missed that.”

“I know, I do too. And I’m sorry for just everything I’ve put you through.”

“I’m still here right?” I acknowledged with a gentle smile.

“You are. And I don’t wanna leave you again. I wanna be right here. With you.”

But I'll build a house out of the mess and all of the broken pieces

I’ll make up for all of your tears

Pictures I’d long forgotten in the comfort of my attic polka-dotted the walls in the tiny living room. Two currant red sofas protected a wooden coffee table standing in the middle with issues of my favorite magazines spread out on the surface. The stand beneath the flat screen consisted of Rafe’s and my Blu-Ray favorites, as well as the dust-free PS4 and brand new PS5.

“So, what do you think?” Rafe questioned from behind. “Do you like it?”

Once upon a time, this apartment reeked of Rafe Cameron. He was a man that only spoke for himself and never me. But now, since we’d been taking things slow the past couple of months, he flipped the switch to assure me this place was now ours.

I belong here, is what he wanted to inform me. He’s not the best with words to tell me I have a place in his life. So, his actions spoke for himself.

I swiveled on the balls of my feet to grin at him with love coating my eyes. “I love it.

I'll give you the best years

Past love burned out like a cigarette

I promise, darling, you won't regret

The best years

Beth from Chem was back in town. According to the locals, it was rumored she’d regretted ending things with Rafe and was back to whisk him into her arms. They’d even went as far as informing her that he was now with me (and more than likely for good) but her stance didn’t budge.

Currently, we were throwing daggers at one another. She’d been trying all night to gain the attention of my boyfriend through initiating the conversation or offering to be his team mate for beer pong. Truthfully, it was embarrassing to watch as Rafe shot her down every time and the eyes on the onlookers shifted to one another in amusement. We all knew her motives.

“Stop looking like that, you’re gonna form wrinkles.” the man of the hour chastised me with a shake of his arm as it was looped on my shoulders.

“I can’t help it when your ex is the one who started it.” I answered, gritting my teeth.

“Who?”

“You know who.” I slapped his arm.

Seeing him chuckle phased me. The old Rafe would’ve hopped at the opportunity of some girl ogling him, especially if the girl happened to be a previous fling. When we were friends, he’d slip away to take care of business with the young woman and I’d watch from afar with longing eyes, wishing I were the one he chased for the evening. Even when we were briefly together, I could feel his hesitance in wanting to stick around but the dumb me pushed it aside for selfish and desperate reasons. This new guy that clung to me like a koala hugging a tree pulled me closer to plant a kiss on the crown of my head.

“I know baby. But I’m not going anywhere. And she can try all she wants but it’s not happening. Not now, tomorrow, or ever.

“Just you and me?”

“You and me.”

I wanna hold your hair when you drink too much

Carry you home when you cannot stand up

You did all these things for me

When I was half a man for you

I wanna hold your hand while we're growing up

As I hacked the contents of the evening into the toilet, Rafe’s hands grabbed my hair to pull it into a makeshift ponytail. His free hand rubbed soothing circles into my hunched back. Embarrassment ran through my body at the sight of him having to see me like this.

Once I was sure I was finished, he aided me in standing to my feet to cleanse my mouth of the harsh taste. His hold on me remained even when I placed my orange toothbrush inside my mouth.

I spit some of the toothpaste into the sink. “That was fucking embarrassing.”

“Really Y/N?”

“What? I’m just saying. I don’t want you to see me like that. Ever again. I’m not drinking that much anymore.”

He didn’t say anything. His mouth was a thin line and his eyes observed me from the mirror as I finished my business of cleaning my mouth. Before I could exit the bathroom, his arm jutted out to halt my movements.

“Look at me.” He commanded in a soft but firm tone. I did as instructed. “You’re gonna be sick and I’m gonna do the same thing. You’re gonna probably go back on your word and drink that much again and guess what? I’m still gonna be there.”

“Rafe—”

“No Y/N. Look: you took care of me when I wasn’t shit back then. I barely looked after you as a friend and as a boyfriend. I’m here now and I’m repaying you for all you did for me. I’m doing what I should’ve done back then. Do you hear me?

I nodded. “I hear you.”

“Good. Because I’m here for the long run baby. I’m gonna do all the shit like holding your hair when you throw up for as long as I live.”

I'll give you the best years

Past love burned out like a cigarette

I promise, darling, you won't regret

The best years

I'll give you the best years

The sun caught the diamond ring on my finger at the right angle, along with the wedding band underneath it. With my other hand, I snapped a shot of the sight with my phone.

“Never thought I’d see you doing that.” Rafe snickered from beside me.

“Can you blame me?”

“Nope.” He answered, popping the ‘p’. “Honestly, it makes me feel like I’m doing something right. I feel like for you to take a picture of something like your hand, it means a lot.”

After sharing the picture to my Instagram, I faced my husband in the lawn chair next to me. In his arms, he held our sleeping bundle of joy who hadn’t released his fathers fingers from the moment he picked him up for nap time.

“Everything you’ve done and continue to do for me means a lot, Rafe.” I replied. “If you haven’t figured out by now, my constant tears express how much I love you. Whether it be cooking a special dinner for me or taking Y/S/N out of my arms after a rough day, I’m crying because it means a lot that you’re looking out for me.”

He leaned over, tightening his hold on our son to lightly kiss me on the lips. “What can I say? I promised you the best years and you’re getting it. Until death do us part.”

OBX supporters (taglist): @jjmayybank @princezukohere @teenwaywardasgardian @jarritoswhore @ethereal-honeygold @pink-meringues @thecurlsofgod

#outer banks #obx #rafe cameron #drew starkey #rafe cameron x female!reader #rafe cameron x y/n #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron x reader #drew starkey x female!reader #drew starkey x y/n #drew starkey x you #drew starkey x reader #outerbanksedit

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butididntpourthewhiskeys · 5 years

Text

9 Nights of Lover(s)

Only 9 more nights until Lover. Here are 9 nights of two Lover(s). I hope you guys enjoy my silly, little countdown xx

Taylor’s eyes wander over the zucchinis and cucumbers that are precisely presented in the vegetable section. She still has to quietly smile to herself, how the zucchinis are labeled as “courgettes”. Just a small reminder that no matter how homey she feels in this city - it’s still the other side of the pond. With her hair in a messy bun and the shopping cart hung over her arm, she grabs for a pack of zucchini, then places them in the cart. The supermarket is not as crowded as the last time they came. Only a few people shopping for food in the grocery department on the ground floor. She and Joe always make sure to pick a good time of the day and week to do their grocery shopping. It’s not a must do, but instead something she loves about living with him in London: It’s been years since she last did her food shopping herself. But with Joe, in this city, it seems possible. A sense of normalcy that this city and Joe have brought into her life, that she never dreamed of having. Taylor strolls through the vegetable and fruit section, as the tall blonde man suddenly comes to a stop right in front of her. With his black jean jacket she loves so much, he just smiles at her quietly and places a few packs of berries in the cart over her arm.

“Hey, do we need..”

“Open up” he answers, as she realizes what he’s doing. With an opened pack of blueberries he stands right in front of her and eats some himself.

“Oh my god, this is so… rude. You can get salmonella from unwashed foods.” She hisses quietly, doesn’t want the entire supermarket to become part of this convo. She can’t believe him sometimes, has to swallow down an embarrassed laugh. In most life situations he’s the most grown up man she’s ever been with. Yet when it comes to a simple evening of food shopping, he manages to act like a five year old.

“You won’t get salmonella from eating a berry, love.” He answers her with a grin on his face. Taylor just shakes her head, signals him that he needs to put the pack of berries into the basket on her arm. Right now. But instead, Joe just eats another handful again.

“Joe!”

He starts laughing. She cannot believe him.

“Stop it.”

“Try one, they’re amazing.”

“We haven’t paid them yet.”

“I will pay these overpriced blueberries in like five minutes. Can you relax, babe?”

Taylor just shakes her head, tries to swallow down the smirk on her lips. He still notices though, as she walks past him and pretends to continue her grocery shopping apart from him.

“Am I embarrassing you?”

“It’s like you’re my child.” She hisses, presses her lips together in order to not laugh and grabs a bunch of asparagus in front of her.

“Wanna try this banana I got?”

Taylor just hits him in the side and walks away, pretending to run away from him. Joe just smirks and follows her to the frozen foods section. Taylor turns around and he can see the smirk on her face.

“If you open up this banana, I swear to you Joe, …oh my god.” She whispers, pretending to be mad while looking at him opening the banana in front of her eyes and the eyes of the other Marks & Spencer customers. Joe laughs, takes a bite and then holds the banana in front of her face.

“Take a bite, baby. Be bold. Come on.” He jokes quietly, looks into her eyes. She looks like she wants to kill him yet she’s fighting with herself. For one, she really is incredibly hungry and also, she has learned to let loose and be more rebellious since she’s with him. Rebellious, as in not wearing make- up when going on a Sunday stroll or taking the tube from Kentish Town to Tufnell Park. He’s had a great influence. With both of his childish and mature sides, he’s had a great influence on her happiness. Taylor shakes her head, her eyes looking more than mad and she slowly takes a bite from the banana he held in front of her face. Joe laughs quietly, then leans in and kisses her forehead over her bangs.

“So inappropriate to eat a banana in the fish section. You little rebel…”

_________________________________________

Joe leans against the big bedpost of their bedroom, a big sigh escaping his mouth. In his sleeping shirt, teeth brushed and ready for bed, he sits there, just stared at the big tv screen hung upon the wall on the other side of the room. The big grey blanket over his legs, the woman of his life right next to him, mindlessly having her head on his chest and the remote control in her hand. Joe sighs again, his hand still casually on her back, and under her shirt, where the tips of his fingers were drawing circles before. Slowly, he’s getting annoyed.

“What about this one? We’ve seen the first episode, remember?”

“Mhm, I don’t know.” She mumbles. Her cheek mindlessly pressed into his chest, she looks at the screen.

“Darling, can we please just decide on something.” He says, starts to feel his patience fade. This time Taylor sighs as well, still flips through every single suggestion on Netflix.

“It’s hard to decide, because what I like, you probably won’t like..”

“I don’t care what we watch, just choose something.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!” He breathes out annoyingly, tries to take it with humor and sinks his head slowly to kiss hers. “Crazy woman” he mumbles under his kiss and Taylor doesn’t even notice, just suddenly squeaks excitedly. It seems that she has found something she wants to see. Finally.

Joe’s hand slowly continues to caress the naked skin on her back under her shirt. Taylor slowly sits up and looks at him, doesn’t shove his hand away.

“I read about this movie. It’s about a child murderer who lived in Ohio in the 90s and..”

“Great, put it on.”

“I’m just worried that I’ll be scared after.”

“I sleep right next to you, Tay.”

“Okay, good. You wanted it.” She says, puts the movie on but remains sitting upright. The movie starts, Joe’s hand still on her back while the other reaches for his bedside lamp. He turns it off, the tv now the only light in the bedroom. Taylor suddenly leans forward, awkwardly sitting in bed but having her head sunken.

“What are you doing?”

“Itchy” she says and he smiles. For some reason, she absolutely loves it when he scratches her back. Joe carefully scratches her, always making sure he’s not too rough. The movie starts but Taylor is more than distracted.

“More right…. left. Can you go down…yeah right there.” She mumbles into her shirt because that’s how much she’s sunken her head. Joe slowly laughs, but continuous scratching her.

“You’re a true monkey. Do you know that?”

“Psssst. I’m listening to the movie.” She mumbles, while Joe’s hand is still busy on her back. Joe smirks. After a few seconds, Taylor sits up again, slowly leans in to press a kiss onto his lips and then cuddles into his chest. Joe smiles at the toothpaste taste of her kiss, makes sure the blanket is over her and then gets comfortable in bed as well. He starts to focus on the movie. It takes less than three minutes and he can hear her snoring. He slowly looks down and realizes that she’s asleep. Of course. Taking half an hour to choose a film and then falling asleep within the first five minutes. Sounds a lot like his girlfriend. Joe carefully reaches for the remote control in her hand and turns off the tv. Time to sleep.

_________________________________________

“What are you doing?” He asks, a bag of crisps in his hand as he walks up to Taylor who just comfortably sits on the couch with her laptop. She is tired and drunk as much as he is, after this long night out with his friends. It’s been a great night for the both of them. He loves evenings with her and his best friends. Her deliciously cooked dinner, deep conversations about life and scrabble. He loves seeing her interact with his friends, loves how close she’s become to them. This is something he has not experienced with girlfriends before her. Joe looks at her. The red lipstick on her lips half faded, and the leather jacket she was wearing before is on the floor. She’s home. And tired. He can feel that. Joe slowly knees down in front of her, holds the bag of crisps right in front of her face. She just shakes her head, seems to be distracted from whatever she sees on her laptop.

“It’s 3 in the morning. What are you doing on there?”

“I’m on amazon.”

“Leave the site, love. Right now. Not again.”

Taylor just laughs whole heartedly and looks at him. Joe also grins amusedly but pretends to be in shock.

“No, I swear, this time it’s not the alcohol. I really need this sheabutter. And they even have a bundle price..”

“Show me.” he says, already reaches for her MacBook. Taylor just rolls her eyes but laughs drunkenly and hands him the laptop. Joe places the bag of crisps on her lap while being busy looking at her shopping cart.

“Love, can you tell me why you just bought 5 pounds of unrefined organic Shea butter for three-hundred pounds.”

Taylor in the meantime has just gotten up and waddles into the kitchen barefeet, clearly unimpressed by his question.

“Because I needed it.”

“As much as you needed the Chinese knife set you bought last time you were drunk.”

He hears her giggle from the kitchen, can see her head that has disappeared in some kitchen cabinet. She’s on her heels, trying to reach something that’s buried in the cupboard.

“It’s a great knife set.” she answers, places a porcelain bowl in front of her and fills it with cereal.

Joe still looks through her shopping cart and starts laughing. He slowly takes out his phone and takes a photo of her MacBook screen. Just in this moment, Taylor makes her way to the couch again, immediately yells a “stop it” towards her boyfriend’s direction and tries to steal his phone. He manages to win, shoves away his iPhone from her hands. She just sits down next to him, a cereal bowl in her hand, pretending to be mad.

“Baby!”

“No.”

“I’m just capturing memories. This is a great memory. Ten thousand tampons. You bought a pack of ten thousand tampons.”

Taylor doesn’t react, just grumpily eats her cereal. She doesn’t look at him, a mixture of alcohol and tiredness clearly bringing her mood down.

“You can provide every woman in Hampstead and North Finchley with these tampons. Nose bleeding included.”

She suddenly looks at him and laughs. She hates that he wins once more, but his unexpected humor just makes her laugh.

“You’re mean to me.” She mumbles and Joe slowly sighs, a grin still on his face. He slowly closes her laptop, opens his arms and hugs her entire torso. She lets out a grumpy noise, mouth full from eating her late night cereal. Joe kisses her cheek a few times, then casually opens his mouth. Taylor shoves a spoon full of cereal with oat milk into his mouth. Joe chews, then presses another kiss onto her cheek. Time to get some sleep.

_________________________________________

“Yeah and then I have a meeting at 5pm on Wednesday, but I should be done around 6 or 7 and we can totally come over after that.” she says, her cozy shorts and house slippers on, while making her way downstairs. Right when she was about to past the bedroom, she comes to a stand, quietly peaks into the room. Taylor can’t help but smile, suddenly forgets to listen to Joe’s sister-in-law on the other end of the line. Without noticing her at all, Joe just stands in front of the bed, absentmindedly folding his underwear. She can’t help but smile even more at him. He looks so incredibly cute. His boxers, his huge grey sweater that she loves most while slowly folding her underwear. The fact that Joe is the proud owner of two left hands doesn’t make the view less amusing. She appreciates his efforts. He came home early this morning from Asia, visibly tired and exhausted from his past weeks. Yet he makes an effort to do her laundry.

“Jen, can I call you back in five? Yeah..okay, bye.” She slowly makes her way to him, as the tired blonde guy suddenly looks up at her. Standing in front of their bed, she just hugs his neck tight and presses a big kiss onto his mouth. He smiles, still incredibly tired. She has to laugh. He looks too cute with his hair undone and his small eyes. He really needs to go to bed soon.

“You’re sexy when you fold my panties.” She whispers. He laughs.

“I know. That’s why I’m doing it.” He laughs. Taylor smiles at him.

“You should go to bed, babe. Your eyes are tiny.” She says, stroking his cheek with her hands.

Joe forms a kiss with his lips again and signals her that he needs her once more. Taylor laughs and presses another kiss onto his lips.

“Love you.”

_________________________________________

Joe comes back from the bathroom, slowly checks his phone at the end of the room. 4.21 am. He yawns. Jetlag is by far the worst. He slowly makes his way back to bed again, can’t help but laugh quietly at the view in front of him. Taylor lies in her side, rolled into her big blanket like a burrito. Only her tiny head is peaking out while her entire body has disappeared under the big blanket. He slowly lays down next to her again, on his side, making sure his face touches hers. His arm lands on the big blanket surrounding her and his lips land on her head. He can feel her stirring, suddenly notices that her eyes are open.

“Are you okay” she caws, her voice filled with sleep. Joe smiles, immediately kisses her forehead again, since this part of her entire body is the only part that’s not wrapped in the big warm blanket. He breathes out, keeps his lips on her head.

“Baby.”

“Mhm.”

“Can I wrap you up like a burrito and then unwrap you quickly down the stairs.”

Taylor suddenly looks at him, starts to laugh.

“What?!”

“I don’t know, it’s just something I have to think of whenever you burrito up in bed.”

Taylor laughs, then turns around while he faces her back.

“No you cannot do that.”

“Why?” He asks, has to laugh now as well.

“Because I’m not Donald Duck.”

Joe puddles as well now, then slowly closes his eyes again.

“That’s sad.” He answers. Taylor just laughs and closes her eyes again.

“You’re so weird, you can only be my boyfriend.” She mumbles half asleep. Joe smiles too, whispers a last “I love you too” before falling back asleep as well.

_________________________________________

Taylor opens the oven, carefully grabs the hot tray and places it on top of the stove. The kitchen is lit up with the small lamp in the corner of the marble cupboard. The bright lights from the living room shine into the kitchen. She can hear her mother laugh, while Robert talks about a weird interaction he had last week. Taylor slowly takes off the big oven gloves and places them next to the burning hot chicken roast she just took out ofout of the oven. Taylor slowly makes her way back into the living room, places one hand on Joe’s shoulder who sits around the table with her mother and her boyfriend. Joe places the glass of water he was just nipping on back on the table and looks at his girlfriend.

“Can you get some plates? I’m gonna get another bottle of wine.” She says and Joe gets up, still listening to Robert’s story about how a journalist approached him last week, thinking he was Ariana Grande’s tour manager. In sweatpants and a shirt, he slowly walks into the kitchen, was just about to grab four plates from the cupboard as he suddenly sees the deliciously looking roast right in front of him. He contemplates for a few seconds, then grabs a fork and slowly picks at a small piece of zucchini to try the dinner his girlfriend just made. In just that second, Taylor enters the kitchen again and Joe realizes that, in fact, the food she made is still boiling hot. He looks at Taylor and his eyes get big - not because he feels trapped, but because he realizes that he is about to burn his mouth big time. Half panicking, half laughing he waves towards his mouth. Taylor can’t help but laugh, slowly place the bottle of wine next to him on the kitchen counter.

“This is what you get when you try food before our guests.” She says, laughing a bit. Joe still fights with the burning hot food in his mouth.

“M’ go’ die” he brings out.

Taylor just breathes out a sympathetic “oh baby” and then turns around to face him. His eyes are all red. It seems that the combination of spicy and hot isn’t the best one. Within two seconds, she gets an empty glass from the cupboard and grabs the cold milk from the fridge.

“Drink this, babe.” She says, offers him the glass of milk. Joe slowly swallows the food, then takes a big sip from the ice cold milk. He lets out a big sigh, covers his mouth with his hand.

“Are you okay?” She asks him, casually places her hand on his stubbly cheek.

“Yeah” he sighs and Taylor can’t help but laugh. His eyes are red and teary. She would love to say ‘this is what karma does’, but instead swallows this thought down and gets on her toes to kiss his cheek.

“Poor baby.” She just mumbles. “But you never learn.” She adds.

Joe just chuckles.

“That’s why I have you. To help me survive.”

_________________________________________

Joe stirs, realizes that the spot next to him in bed is empty. After opening his eyes once, he just closes them again, hearing the flush coming from the bathroom right next to their bedroom. It takes less than a minute and he can hear Taylor waddle back to bed in the dark, barefoot and wearing nothing but a thong and his shirt. Right before she falls back onto the bed he hears a hit, and her moan.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck.”

Joe can’t help but smirk in his sleep.

Every. Damn. Time.

“Again?”

“We need a night lamp.” She mumbles in pain. Joe slowly turns on the lights, looks at his girlfriend who sits on the side of the bed and holds her toes that she just hit in pain, while sitting on the side of the bed.

“Give it to me.”

“What?”

“The toe.” Taylor can’t help but laugh quietly in pain, falls onto her back in bed, stretching out her long legs before rolling onto his side. Joe grabs the foot that hurts and kisses it a few times. She can’t help but giggle loudly. So loud, that even Benjamin looks up and slowly walks to the bed. Taylor can’t help but laugh loudly, especially when Joe makes a grimace.

“I love kissing cold feet.”

“I know you do.” She says sarcastically. Joe carefully lets go off her foot, makes sure to wrap his girlfriend in the blanket again.

“Are you good?” He asks, hugs her sideways. As so often, his lips against her bangs. Taylor closes her eyes, pulls up the blanket until the chin and closes her eyes again. She slowly nods, enjoys smelling him.

“You mean my footy?”

“Your footy?” He asks with a chuckle. “I mean cause you were in the bathroom for so long.”

Taylor sighs.

“My vagina hurts. I’m on my period.”

Joe laughs at her syntax. He also appreciates that they established this openness, that she knows that she can talk to him about whatever bothers her. That nothing needs to be embarrassing. Nothing.

“I’m sorry, love. Want an Advil? Or a tea?” He asks quietly, looks at his girlfriend who’s still wrapped up in the blanket until under her chin.

“No, I just took one. I just need some sleep. And a hug maybe.” She adds. Joe laughs, slowly turns around to turn off the little lamp on his side of the bed. It’s dark again in the room and Joe lays down in bed next to his girlfriend. His arm wanders around her torso, as he turns around and onto his back. Offering her to use his chest as a pillow.

“Good?”

“Good.”

_________________________________________

“Okay. Yes. So on the fourteenth, we’re going to have the meeting at 2pm. Yes, I noted that. But what did he say about….oh okay. Okay, that works.” Joe slowly walks into the bedroom. She sits in bed with her laptop, headphones on her ears, cats next to her, tv on silent, make up free, stressed face. He knows it’s been a lot of traveling back and forth these past days. He feels like he didn’t have a proper conversation with her since she came back. All she does is schedule phone meetings, flights and organize things for the upcoming weeks. He would never get upset about that. After all, he knows how stressful album phases are, and he wants her to focus fully on that. However, he wishes he could help her. She seems so stressed, overwhelmed. He can see that by the look on her face.

Joe sits down on the side of the bed, carefully patting Benjamin. After a few seconds, Taylor hangs up, immediately continues typing on her macbook. She doesn’t even react, doesn’t even talk to Joe. He can just feel the level of stress radiate from her, doesn’t say anything. Slowly, he takes out his phone from his pocket.

“Just.. give me a minute..” she mumbles distracted, is well aware that she hasn’t even said hello to Joe just yet.

Joe doesn’t answer, is busy on his phone as well now. He then waits a few seconds, looks at her face to see her reaction. She just stares into her email account, suddenly realized that she’s got an email from Joe.

What do you want for dinner?

Taylor turns her head and laughs at him.

“Are we really doing this?” She laughs. Joe is happy that he could make her smile, even if just for a second.

“I discovered that emails are the best way to reach you these days.” He laughs. Taylor just rolls her eyes and starts typing again.

Chinese, please. Love you.

Joe laughs, slowly gets up and leaves the bedroom with Benjamin on his arm.

Taylor keeps working on an email, which includes her interview answers. Just when she was about to send it out to Tree, she sees that she has a notification in the corner of the screen. She can’t help but smile beneath her stressed frown.

Love you, too. Bath time later?

_________________________________________

Joe sighs, washes his hands while staring into the mirror right over the sink. He hates this. He hates fighting with her over the most ridiculous thing. A photo with his friend. His co-star. A female. Joe sighs, slowly enters the bedroom again. Just in that second, Taylor drops his phone on the bed. He looks at her confused, and she looks at him - trapped.

Joe just stands there, looks at her make up free, anxious face. He can’t believe it. He can’t believe the level of mistrust she just showed him.

“Did you just go through my phone to make sure I’m not hiding stuff from you?”

“I didn’t go through your phone.”

“Oh really, why did you drop it all panicky then?”

Taylor just sighs, crosses her arms. She looks angry. Mad, to say the least.

“Well, if you didn’t give me enough reason to not trust you I wouldn’t have to…”

“What reason, Taylor? What reason?” He suddenly says, his voice raised. She has never experienced him like this. Joe is usually the calm one of the two. But this time, he looks at her mad and angry. She notices herself getting worried, subconsciously asks herself if she’s gone too far this time.

“The reason is you getting a drink with this person behind my..”

“This person is a lesbian friend of mine, who happened to work with me in Virginia on that exact weekend.” He interrupts her. “Taylor, I…” He just looks at her worried, sad, having many questions written on his face.

“What?!” She hisses, her arms still crossed, just staring through him.

“Where does this come from?” He asks, tries to calm himself down a little and sits down on the bed next to her.

“Where.. why would you ever think that you can’t trust me? You know I love you and you know I would never look at any other women. I’m… I’m shocked.”

Taylor doesn’t react, looks down on the blanket she’s wrapped in. The silence right now will kill her.

“What’s the real problem here?” He then asks, doesn’t seem to let go of this. She doesn’t know what to say, just sighs and looks the other way. She still seems mad but she has no arguments anymore. He can feel that.

“The real problem is you hanging out with other girls. You didn’t do that when we started dating. You didn’t do that when we weren’t casual with each other. But now this thing has turned into a long-term relationship and you’re bored. And you start meeting other..”

“Wanna know what the real problem is?” He says with a raised voice, way louder than she just was. “The real problem is you not being able to process the fact that there’s someone who actually wants to stay with you.”

Silence. Taylor doesn’t move, doesn’t look at him. She hates how right he is. She hates how he doesn’t see through her but instead, stops to acknowledge what really is inside of her. Fear. Fear of losing. Him. Her mother. Herself.

“This time around, you don’t have to beg the person to stay. This time around the person actually wants to stay. And Tay, I’m not cheating on you, I’m not looking at other girls, I’m not bored. I’m just.. I’m here being your partner.” He says, way softer than before. Taylor still doesn’t move, then closes her eyes slowly. She’s emotional. He knows that.

“I know people you love… have left you before. I know you’re scared. But I’m not. I’m not scared and I’m not leaving.” He says, feels a bit more emotional now as well. Especially in the moment he realizes that she’s crying. That tears run down her face. Her face that is still turned away from him.

“And I just hope you can trust me without feeling like you have to control me. Cause you don’t have to.” He adds.

Taylor then slowly looks at him. She’s crying. She doesn’t say anything cause he has just said it all. She slowly crawls closer to him and hugs him closely. It’s her apologize. He knows that. Joe tightens the hug and breathes her in. She’s still crying into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” She then bawls beneath her tears. Joe just caresses her back and head while holding her close.

“It’s okay. I know. Just know you can hold onto me. Don’t play this game against me. Let me help you.”

Taylor slowly lets go, her face red and wet from the tears. Her bangs sticky against her lashes. She nods, wipes away the tears from her cheek.

“I’m trying.” She says, then gets silent again.

That’s all he needed to hear.

It’s enough.

#joe alwyn #joe and taylor fanfiction #taylor swift #taylor swift fanfiction #joe and taylor #fanfiction #fanfic

153 notes · View notes

nicolasnelson · 5 years

Text

Sizzie fic - Perchance to Dream [oneshot]

Title: Perchance to Dream Relationship: Lizzie Saltzman/Sebastian Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Sebastian’s POV Words: 2,388

Summary: Sebastian has a dream about Cassandra which scares him. Thankfully Lizzie is there to comfort him, but he wonders how long she will stay by his side.

Requested by @fandommatchmaker19 // Prompt: Would love a Sizzie one-shot in which Lizzie comforts Sebastian about something.

[AO3 LINK]

Sebastian could see her face in vivid detail, every inch of her as fine as an artist’s masterpiece. Her loving gaze and playful smile invited him in, and she whispered a promise to him.

“I will protect you always.” She kissed his palm and brushed her hair aside, allowing him access to her stunning neck.

“I cannot,” he said, though the temptation burned in his chest. Cassandra always did this to him, teased him with what he could not have.

She scooted closer to him on the bed, wrapping a leg around his torso and pushing her body against his. She slipped the sleeve of her silk gown off her shoulder so her breast pressed against his skin. Soft and warm and oh so tempting.

Sebastian nuzzled his cheek against her neck. His body was taut as he fought to maintain his control. If he broke for even a moment, desire might take over.

“Please, Sebastian,” she pleaded. “Blood will increase your lust. I want to feel all of you, to experience you the way only your victims have.”

“You may not survive it,” Sebastian said, his voice soft and strained. He sounded a little scared, even to his own ears, and maybe he was. It was hard to stop feeding once he started. The only times he managed it were when his victims were less than desirable.

She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled his head closer against her neck. “I trust you.”

Sebastian chuckled against her skin. That was a mistake. No one should trust him when he could not even trust himself. The warm, sweet scent of blood tickled his nostrils, and he looked down to see Cassandra had drawn a knife under her collarbone. Red pooled from the cut in rivulets, trickling down onto her exposed breast.

His mouth watered, and he licked his lips. He could feel that his self control was already gone.

Sebastian awoke. He sat up in bed and saw the woman beside him, the long blond hair. He sighed in relief. He hadn’t killed her after all.

“Cassandra, dear,” he whispered and turned her onto her back. Dead eyes stared up, not quite meeting his, and he scrambled backwards off the bed. He hit the floor with a thunk.

And then he opened his eyes and found himself in a different bedroom. He was in bed, a blond woman beside him. It was all so familiar, like he was reliving the same nightmare. He didn’t dare check to see if she was alive.

The room was suffocating him, the floor wobbling beneath his feet. He stumbled to the door and tried the knob, but it wouldn’t turn. Oh, God. He was locked inside.

He slid his back down the cool wood and crumpled up, arms wrapped around his legs. His whole body was shaking, and he felt the tears trickling down his cheeks. Like the blood trickling down Cassandra’s chest. Oh, God. He still remembered the taste on his lips, sweet like strawberries.

“Sebastian, are you okay?”

He jumped, looking up to the blond woman. As his eyes focused on her, a name popped into his head. “Elizabeth.”

He sighed with relief. At least he hadn’t killed her. He hadn’t killed Cassandra either. He knew that now. It was just a dream, a memory, but knowing that didn’t calm him down. He was still on edge, like balancing on a tightrope above a pit of blood.

Elizabeth Saltzman sat down next to him and put a hand on his knee. “What happened?”

“It’s nothing you need to worry about. You should go back to sleep.” He gave her a small smile.

Elizabeth laughed. “That was the saddest smile I’ve ever seen. Come on, Sebastian. You can’t keep this inside. I know what that’s like. It’ll just burn you from the inside out.”

“Like your episodes?”

“Exactly. You’ve seen how bad those can be. I don’t want you to go through that too.” She grabbed his hand, which was still shaking, and squeezed his fingers.

There was something soothing about being with Elizabeth. She understood him better than most, and she had the patience to learn more. It hadn’t always been that way. He could remember a time when she hated him, but now they were at a comfortable place. Not lovers, but certainly more than friends. Partners in copulation and the occasional crime.

“It was a dream,” Sebastian said. It felt wrong to say it aloud, like he was lying, because it was so much more than that. “Not a dream. A memory. There was a time I nearly killed Cassandra. I managed to stop myself, but it has always haunted me.”

“The past tends to do that,” Elizabeth said, sighing. “And you have more of it than most.”

Sebastian laughed, but it was soft and self-pitying. “I wish memories were not so long lasting. You would think I would forget after all these years, but I can never forget. Even when I am not actively thinking of them, they influence my actions.”

Elizabeth pulled out her cellular device. “I’ve got a playlist I like to listen to when I think I’m about to have a meltdown. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it helps to get my mind off what’s bothering me.” She hit a button and music sprung forth from the device. She set it on the floor in front of them and leaned her head on Sebastian’s shoulder.

Sebastian squeezed her hand, grateful to have her by his side. The music was indeed soothing. He focused on the words and seeing how he could relate to them. The refrain particularly resonated with him.

I don't know if I can stay strong. Hold on, for too long. I've been lost. I need you here to calm me down. I need you here to calm me.

“Thank you, Elizabeth.”

“You’re welcome.”

They stayed like that through several more songs until Sebastian really did feel calm again. He’d never been able to calm himself down with music before. These fits of anxiety had plagued him for many, many years. They always made him feel like he was dying as a memory replayed in a loop in his head.

But Elizabeth had helped get him out of that loop. He had to do more than thank her with words. He had to show this beautiful creature how much she meant to him. How grateful he was that she had treated him like a person and not a child or someone crazy. She hadn’t seen his anxiety as a weakness at all.

And he’d never seen her struggles with her mental health as a weakness. So why all the self pity? He was strong and capable too. He was allowed to break down sometimes. His life was complicated and difficult. It was a wonder he hadn’t had a big meltdown after waking up in another century.

Everything was still so new, and he was still adjusting. Some things were amazing improvements that made life more convenient, like these devices that played music and relayed messages to other people. Some things were more annoying, like the doors that would open suddenly when you walked near them. Others were downright mind boggling, like the game of matching candy that people played on those devices for hours on end, wasting their lives away, chasing the satisfaction of reaching each new level.

It was a whole new world, and he wanted to make the most of it.

“Can we go for a ride in your vessel?” Sebastian asked.

“Right now?”

Sebastian chuckled. “Why, yes, my dear, it is my time of night after all.”

“We’d have to sneak out,” Elizabeth said, though there was a smile on her face and a glint of mischief in her eyes.

“Add it to our list of crimes, Bonnie.”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, laughing. “I should never have shown you that movie. You relate far too much to Clyde.”

“Only for his dedication to Bonnie,” Sebastian said, drinking her in. Elizabeth really was the most wonderful creature he’d ever met.

...

They snuck out through the kitchens in the dorms. Pedro was in there having a snack, but he promised Elizabeth he wouldn’t tell anyone. Sebastian wasn’t sure whether they could trust the small child, but he didn’t really care if they got into trouble. He was used to it by now.

Elizabeth put the top down on the car and drove them through the town and onto the interstate. Sebastian enjoyed the cool air against his face. It reminded him of horse riding, but it was so much smoother and faster, much more exhilarating. He looked over at Elizabeth to see her blond hair whipping all around her like a tumbleweed.

“Oh, hush. Your hair doesn’t look any better,” Elizabeth said when she caught his amused smile in the mirror.

He glanced at himself. The wind was slicking his hair back, much like the 1931 version of Dracula. “This is very old wine. I hope you will like it,” he said, smirking.

Elizabeth barked out a laugh at the reference. “Aren't you drinking?”

“I never drink”—Sebastian paused dramatically—“wine.”

Elizabeth jerked the car to the right and took the exit. She drove into a small patch of woods and parked the car. “Should we put the top back up?”

“Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn,” Sebastian said.

“Oh, God. I love it when you quote Gone with the Wind.” Elizabeth grabbed his neck and pulled him into a hungry kiss.

Her breath still smelled of peppermint toothpaste, and Sebastian found it downright intoxicating. He helped maneuver Elizabeth over the center console so she could straddle his lap. It felt nice to look up at her, like she was some goddess smiling down at him, bestowing kisses upon him like gifts no mortal man deserved.

Sebastian had to remind himself he was no mortal man. He’d made his share of mistakes, but this beauty believed he was worthy of her affection. He had confidence that he looked the part, but he never believed he had the personality to match. All his charm was heavily practiced, as he’d spent years studying (and flirting with) the masters. Kings and prostitutes and everything in between.

Elizabeth pushed her hair behind her shoulder, exposing her neck to him. “Do that thing I like.”

Sebastian was hesitant for a moment as the old fear gripped him, but he obliged, pressing his lips against Elizabeth’s smooth skin. He ran his tongue along the back of her ear, playing in the corner just behind her earlobe. Elizabeth melted in his arms, goose pimples prickling all along her skin as she shivered in delight.

He was still surprised she trusted him to do this. Was she even a little afraid he might be tempted to bite her instead? Or was she like Cassandra, naively trusting he’d be able to stop once he started?

Witches couldn’t know the allure of blood, how it wasn’t like a delicious cake they could eat bit by bit over time. Blood was like wine to an alcoholic, drugs to an addict, that stupid candy game to mindless teenagers. You didn’t have to be a ripper to become consumed by that hunger.

Elizabeth nuzzled her nose against his, pulling him from his thoughts, and he couldn’t help but think instead about how adorable she was. And how unfairly lucky he was to have her in his arms. He wasn’t good enough for her, and she knew it, but she wanted him anyways.

Their lips met again, tongues dancing to the familiar choreography, and he ran his fingers through her hair, marveling at its softness. He imagined transporting her to his time. Not his drab life on the colony, where he was devoted to Cassandra, but the time before he became a vampire. His life in Europe, the elaborate parties he had attended. Elizabeth would look wonderful in one of those ball gowns, with her hair pinned up, that lovely neck on full display. Dainty gloves on her dangerous hands. Pink slippers on her beautiful feet.

Oh how she would have turned heads. He would never have gotten the chance to dance with her then, only to admire from afar.

“I am pleased with how my life has turned out,” Sebastian admitted, a little surprised that he’d uttered the thought aloud.

Elizabeth sat back a little to study his face. “Because of me?”

Sebastian let out a chuckle. “Well, yes, you’re a big part of it. But there’s more to it. If I hadn’t been desiccated in that box, the colonists would have killed me. I never would have gotten the chance to see the twenty-first century, to attend a school of witches, werewolves, vampires, and other things I had never heard of, like tribrids and phoenixes.”

“Well, they are one of a kind,” she said.

Sebastian smiled. “As are you, Elizabeth. I am at an odd place in my life right now. While I am grateful to have the chance to live in this world and interact with you, I fear that all of this will not last. No one in that school trusts me, even after everything I do to help all of you. It feels like I may never earn my place. I am merely being used for my muscles and my vampiric abilities.”

“That is not how I think of you,” Elizabeth assured him.

“Do you think the others will ever change their minds? Or will they continue despising me forever?”

Elizabeth pressed her forehead to his. “Forever is a long time. I think they can warm up to you eventually. I’m doing everything in my power to persuade them.”

Sebastian felt that bubbly happiness in his chest. The kind that made him nervous. Elizabeth was doing so much for him, and all he was doing was helping her when she asked, offering his body to her when she asked.

Maybe it was time he did a favor for her without asking. A gift perhaps, or a special day just for her. An idea was already forming in his mind.

“Elizabeth, how would you feel if I took you on a proper date?”

She blinked in surprise, then smiled sweetly. “I would like that very much.”

#legacies #legacies fanfiction #sizzie #lizzie saltzman #lizzie x sebastian #sebastian #*#my writing #rated M #sizzie fanfiction #this one turned out different than expected #but i love it lol

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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it seems that the average survey-taker is a white american female, aged 15-19, who has a car, a cell phone, and an extensive social circle. is this true for you? I’m a white female but not from America and I’m much older, have no car nor friends, just cellphone

have you seen any silent films? I love Buster Keaton

would you rather be an actor, director, or soundtrack producer? actress and director

have you seen nbc’s ‘hannibal’? thoughts? (if you haven’t, do you want to?) no and don’t want to, yuk

on websites where you’re permitted to change your username, do you do so often, or do you keep the same one for long periods of time? I usually change after a few months

does your computer have a name? I didn’t call this annoying piece of shit anyhow but maybe if I had a better computer...

are you eager to see how far science + technology will advance, or do you prefer an older way of doing things? do you think we are better off with these advancements, or not? I wish we had choice, I would like the world to be balanced, a bit of this and a bit of that, some advancements are necessary, some are cool but some are awful

what is your favourite comic book or graphic novel? does your favourite novel come in comic-book form? (if not, would you like it to?) I don’t read comics but from those I ever tried my fav manga was Doubt, webcomic (those I saw several but I forgot most of the titles by now) - Lackadaisy and I am fan of Aldebaran and Betelgeza

Any friends who are constantly venting about their boyfriend?: it was common - me listening complains about my crush’es exes or current boyfriends/lovers/crushes

Have you ever been ice-skating?: once, in high school, didn’t like it

Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep?: yeah

Did the end of Public Enemies make you sad?: I didn’t finish the movie

Do you obsessively apply lip-gloss or lip balm?: ewww, not at all

Do you think you’d have what it takes to shoot someone if you had to protect yourself?: I believe

What’s your most noticeable flaw?: ugh...

Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? yes and that was awful because it was full of dead bugs

When you can tell that someone’s lying, do you call them out on it?: often

How many other blogs do you follow on Tumblr?: more than 300

Does it ever scare you how fast time can go by?: could say so

Have you ever replied “OK” when someone confessed they liked you?: possibly :x

What does your grandma call you?: sigh...

What would you do for immortality and infinite youth?: dunno, definitely wouldn’t sell my soul or kill an innocent person but I would do some stuff for immortality

Would you rather have a pool or a hot tub?: neither

Have you ever worn a nipple tassel?: haven’t

Ever played hide and seek in the woods on horseback at night?: wow, that’s weirdly specific and now I want this somehow :o

Have you ever held a baby chick?: wild bird’s babies and I regret that because it’s not helfpul for them actually

Do you think wine tastes like rotten fruit? yep

Have you ever felt the need to hide something about yourself?: sometimes, from certain people, I should be myself most of the time tho

Do you think pearls are attractive?: umm...

Have you ever wished you had a different name? Which name would you choose? but I like male ones more or non polish

Have you ever customised an item of clothing? I designed and my mom helped me, made changes for me

Do you prefer drawing or painting? prefer to draw but look at paintings

Are you saving up for anything right now? What? if I could/had money to save then I would save for a bike, laptop, my own apartment etc.

Do you own any figurines? cats, dogs, elephants, clowns, horses and others

If you have any siblings, how much rivalry is between you all? it’s complicated

When did you last have itchy eyes? recently

Is it dark outside right now? it’s getting darker

Do you prefer framed photos or just sticking photos straight onto walls? I prefer them in an album, takes less space

What’s your favourite type of cake? used to love sękacz the most

Have you ever woken up from a dream and believed it to have been real? I was confused

If there’s a bug in your room, can you sleep or do you need to get it out? it depends on how annoying/dangerous it is

Do you prefer travelling alone or with people? I like to travel with my dad

What was the last baby animal you saw? pic or irl?

Do you give people high fives or hugs more often? hugs

How long have you known the last person you kissed? I knew her 10 years ago for awhile then we lost contact until this spring

When angry, do you get loud or quiet? depends

What do you currently hear right now? my parents talking

Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? dad

Last person you saw? parent

Did you have a nap today? nope

Are you easy to get along with? am not

When was the last time you were told you were cute? recently my gf called me cute and I’m like Catra about it

Have you ever forgotten to put on an oven mitt before you took something extremely hot out of the oven? not over, just hot pot

Do you own one of those airwick things that automatically sprays every few minutes? hell no

How many light bulbs are on in the room you are currently in? 3, one doesn’t work

Have you ever had your phone taken away at school before? almost, teacher heard it calling but before they found out who’s phone that was it stopped ringing and I was safe

Do you look better with or without glasses? I’m always ugly

What is your favorite type of bird? chicken, owl, flamingo, crow, barn swallow...

Did you go fishing a lot when you were younger? Do you now? I hate fishing, never been nor will go

Do you like more flowery scents or more clean scents? no scents, thank you Do you own a manual or electric toothbrush? manual, electric are horrible Preferred brand of toothpaste? m current is Meridol Piece of make-up you cannot live without? I can live without it

Do you prefer heels or flats? flats are more comfy but I know how to walk in heels, just don’t like to

Do you eat meat? yep Do you still watch cartoons regularly? I recently started watching She-ra with my gf but before that I didn’t watch any animated shows for a long time (just fragments/episodes maybe) Do you leave the TV on and sleep to it? never Ever considered cannibalism? r u serious?... this is scary, I’m gonna puke :x Ever licked a battery? I’m not stupid What does your name mean? lily which was also going to be my name Do animals go to Heaven? hope so Babies are… irritating

When was the last time you saw a doctor? it would be easier to say when I didn’t because I see them too often Do you know anyone who is a firefighter? used to What was the last wedding you went to? my sister’s

What’s your favourite alcoholic beverage? blergh... Do you “binge-watch” tv shows? two episodes a day max What is your opinion of clowns? love Did you wear a necklace today? not today How old are your parents? about 60 What’s something odd you do when you’re anxious or nervous? personal Have you ever received a compliment from a stranger? I have, more than one time Is your wardrobe big enough for all your clothes? it’s not Do you plan ahead when it comes to your outfits? nah Have you ever shaved your face? I shaved my eyebrows (not whole) What colour is your front door? silver with white paint coming off Do you take the stairs or the elevator? stairs Would you ever try herbal medicine as opposed to conventional medicine? I tried Do you wear open-toed shoes? I despise those Have you ever been to a petting zoo? yeah, I was petting a raccoon <3 and chinchillas are so surprisingly fluffy When was the last time you wore a button up shirt? weeks ago How many times have you consumed alcohol? once Do you often forget what you were just about to say? ocassionally when interrupted What’s your opinion of Australia? wouldn’t go there Do you own any striped sweaters? absolutely :) Have there ever been any forest or grass fires in your area? as every summer, also trash burn quite often

What color is the trash can in your kitchen? yellow What does the cover on the last book you read look like? it has two people sitting in front of each other Do you wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? I don’t celebrate this holiday, I dislike it Are you even Irish? not even partially Have you ever gotten a wig? What did it look like and what was it for? I have a bunch of wigs How often do you use a shower cap? What does yours look like? I don’t own any If you wanted to get a cat, would you adopt from a shelter or buy from a breeder? Why? but I don’t want a cat What’s the shortest you’d be willing to cut your hair? almost bald? What do you do when you find a spiderweb in your room? leave it be or clean it

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imagine-loki · 7 years

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All of Me - Chapter 5

TITLE: All of Me

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 5

AUTHOR: a7xing-forever

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki being captivated by your voice while you perform at one of Tony’s formal charity events.

RATING: T+ (Mild Language)

NOTES/WARNINGS: Welcome back! It took a little while longer with this chapter since it’s pretty lengthy and I was asking myself for the longest time how I wanted to set this out, but I feel like I’ve nailed the layout now. I hope you enjoy this one as much as I enjoyed writing it! As always, let me know if you would like to be tagged whether it be replying to this post or sending me an ask/message at my blog a7xing-forever. The next chapter will most likely be the finale and I might even do an epilogue if I feel the need to, so it would be totally worth it if you’ve stuck around this far! :3

Read it on AO3 / Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4

This was it, the big day, and you couldn’t determine whether what you were feeling was horrific anxiety or tremendous excitement.

The dress had arrived early that morning with all the adjustments in place, but just to make sure it fit while there was still time to make reparations, you slipped it on in front of your mirror.

Marco had done a wonderful job, making you feel a little guilty that you had even doubted him in the first place. It fit perfectly and your mind was now at ease knowing that the possibilities of a wardrobe malfunction had been erased.

While you were still admiring your form in the mirror, you heard a knock at the door followed by Tony’s voice.

“Hey Whitney Houston, open up! Did my PA bring you your dress?”

You promptly crossed the room to open the door and Tony quickly noticed you were wearing the garment.

“See for yourself.” You smiled and gave him a twirl.

“Hey, look at you!” He exclaimed. A huge smile appeared on his face. “You look fabulous, it totally suits you!”

“You think?” You questioned.

“Of course, though I must admit, I’ve seen Marco’s dress collection. What made you go with one of his simpler designs?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know. I’ve never been the extravagant type I guess. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.” You said while smirking at him.

“First of all, I’m gonna go ahead and take that as a compliment, which by the way, thank you very much, and second of all I just came here to let you know that there’s been a venue change. The event is now gonna be at the grand prospect hall in Brooklyn and it starts at around 6pm. It will go on till about midnight. You’ll take the stage at around 8pm, but I want you to be there at least an hour before then to prep. However, besides that, it’s up to you what time you want to be there. I understand that socialising with the attendees won’t be something that’s high on your list of priorities.” He explained, making various hand gestures whilst doing so.

“Yeah, I’m not that great at small talk. That’s when my social anxiety comes out to play.” You said, bringing up you right hand to rub your left arm rather sheepishly.

“Which is why I arranged a dressing room for you. If you want you can just bring all your stuff and get ready there, but it also acts as an escape for when you don’t feel like being social.” He said in response.

It was your turn to hug him this time. You wrapped your arms around his waist, slightly winding him in the process. He chuckled in response and ruffled your hair that was still a tangled mess from having just gotten up not even an hour ago.

“Thank you so much!” You squeezed him a bit tighter but not too much to avoid damaging the metallic arc reator fitted into his chest. “But how did you know about my social anxiety?” You asked, releasing your grip slightly and looking up at him.

“We all have it to an extent. Some are just better at pretending than others.” He smiled and winked at you. You scoffed and pushed him away but softly in a playful manner.

“Anyway, what time do you want Happy to pick you up?” He asked, returning to the conversation topic.

“Uh, well I’d actually prefer to get there just before everyone arrives to beat the crowds. It will also give me an opportunity to hang with the rest of the ‘gang’ since they’ll all be in one room and not scattered all around the globe for once.” You said and it was true. The Avengers were like your family you only got to see during the holidays since most of them were always kept on their toes with various missions, so you were looking forward to seeing them there. “Oh and I’d appreciate it if you got the timing arrangements right this time.” You said bitterly, referring to yesterdays morning events. Of course you hadn’t let him off the hook without giving him an earful upon your return the previous evening.

“It was an easy mistake! You’re lucky I was only an hour off.”

“Being only an hour late was more than enough to turn Happy into Furious." You said sternly.

"Fine. It takes just under two hours to get there, so F.R.I.D.A.Y, let Happy know that (Y/N) wants to be picked up at 4pm today.” He said, looking up and around as most people did when talking to F.R.I.D.A.Y. Not that they had much choice given that F.R.I.D.A.Y had no physical form.

“Harold Hogan has been notified, sir.” F.R.I.D.A.Y responded.

“There you go.” Tony said now looking back to you. “If there’s anything else you need or if something comes up, be sure to let me know.” He told you before turning and beginning to make his way back down the corridor.

“Will do.” You replied and went to close the door, until you heard Tony yell in pain. You quickly opened the door again to see Clint who had appeared at the end of the hallway with his, now empty, nerf bow in hand and a look of thunder across his face. Tony was clutching his forehead and mumbling profanities under his breath.

“I know what you did to the ice cream machine.” He stated, his voice calm yet intimidating.

“You had it coming, Legolas! Who the fuck doesn’t like mint choc chip!?” Tony shouted furiously.

“Me! It tastes like toothpaste!!” Clint exclaimed.

“That, my friend, leads me to believe that either you’ve never actually had mint choc chip, or you’ve never brushed your teeth and I hope that for the love of god the latter isn’t true."

"FIX IT!!” Clint yelled, loading the bow and drawing it back as fast as lightning.

“Okay, okay! I’m sorry!” Tony replied, throwing his hands up in surrender.

Admittedly, the sight of Tony Stark, the billionaire with the iron suit who was seen by many as hero, being forced into submission by nothing more than a children’s toy, was quite the sight to behold. You tried your hardest to suppress your laughter.

“I forgive you.” Clint said coolly, but then took the opportunity to ping Tony right between the eyes while his hands were still up. Tony yelped again and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y, prep my suit.” Tony asked calmly while holding eye contact with Clint.

“I’m sorry sir, but I cannot allow that.” F.R.I.D.A.Y responded.

“Why the hell not!?” Tony snapped.

“Director Fury would most certainly not appreciate history repeating itself.” She replied, clearly referring to the hangar incident…

“Guess I’ll have to do it the old fashioned way then.” Tony said before launching himself at Clint. Clint swiftly dodged Tony’s attack and bolted out of sight with Tony hot on his heels, leaving you in hysterics.

~ ~ ~

It was midday when there came a knock at your door again. Upon opening it, you yet again found Loki, this time the three books you had given to him in his hand. Taking one look at the books, it didn’t take long to figure out why he was visiting.

“Finished already?? Jesus Christ, do you read or absorb literature?” You exclaimed, taking the books from his grasp. He chuckled in response.

“Well, what else have I to do? Choose from my own selection of literature?” He replied, sarcasm coating his tone.

“Right, forget I asked.” You smiled and turned from his gaze to walk over to the bookshelf; substituting the books he had read for the next two books in the Throne of Glass series. It was almost as if you were his personal librarian.

“How are you finding the series so far?” You asked over your shoulder, knowing that he would have invited himself in by now.

“It is quite spectacular. Aelin is such an extraordinary being and that Captain of the Guard was an oaf for ever betraying her.” He enthused.

“I thought you might enjoy it. I mean, other worlds? Magic? Thrones? It’s like the author tapped into your head.”

“Well, when you put it that way, it does start to sound like my life story doesn’t it?” He speculated giving a slight smile.

“Yeah, minus the whole Fae getup. Though, being a frost giant sounds pretty cool.”

Loki’s Jotun heritage had become common knowledge among the Avengers recently, thanks to Thor, but no one seemed to address it in fear of stirring up a hornet’s nest. The fact that you had bought it up was a risky move, but something told you that Loki had no intentions of harming you anytime soon. You turned to gauge his reaction, but noticed that he was studying your dress that was hanging from the door of your wardrobe.

“This must be the gown all that fuss was about yesterday.” He said. He held his hands behind his back as if surveying a piece at a contemporary art display.

“Indeed it is. Do you like it?” You asked, curious as to what he was thinking.

“It’s…red…."

"Well aren’t you observant.” You said sarcastically whilst walking up to him, the two novels now in your possession.

“Interesting.” He stated.

“Okay? Not a fan of red I see.”

“It doesn’t matter. You made a lovely choice.” He said but you felt no sincerity behind the comment.

“Anyway, here’s the next two books in the series. I’m sure this shall keep you occupied tonight while there’s no one around for you to pester with your tricks.” You said, handing him the books. He took the books and chuckled at your comment.

“Well, I look forward to, as you say, absorbing these this evening.” He looked down at the novels in his hand then looked back up to you.

“I’d appreciate the solitude if I were you. While you’re busy reading in the comfort of your own room, I’m going to be up on stage praying to the gods that I don’t make an absolute fool of myself.” Loki just grinned and made his way towards the door.

“Unless I see you before you leave, I just wanted to say good luck and, um, what was that midgardian phrase?”

“Break a leg?”

“That’s the one, but do me a favour, love, and don’t take that too literally.” He said and made to leave the room, but stopping before he did and turning to face you once more. “Unless of course, you really do want that spotlight you’ve been so desperately trying to avoid.” Leaving his final statement in place, he exited the room, not bothering to close the door behind him. You giggled at his comment. The idea of breaking a limb in order to gain everyone’s attention was preposterous, yet so easy to picture him doing it.

~ ~ ~

To say the venue was fancy was the understatement of the century.

Tony had told you that this event would be formal, but apparently neglected to mention how extravagant it would be. In fact, it was almost as if someone had taken a room straight out of Buckingham Palace and placed it in Brooklyn.

You had arrived with your large bag of makeup, hair products and dress particularly early to get yourself ready in your dressing room before everyone started showing up. Upon entering the hall, you saw that a few others had arrived too. Nat and Bruce were sitting at the bar at the end of the hall opposite the stage conversing with each other as they usually were. They both looked fancy in their expensive clothes with Bruce in a navy blue three piece suit and Nat in a low cut, short but elegant, deep blue velvet dress to match Bruce. Steve, in a white v neck and black sweatpants, was helping three other men to lift what appeared to be a large statue of one of Tony’s suits. Pepper, in her short and white business-woman-looking dress, was directing them on where to place the huge statue of Iron Man while also making sure that the man himself, dressed in his classic Stark suit, didn’t eat the entire buffet table before everyone arrived.

Almost instantly, Tony had spotted you and waved you over to the left of the hall where the buffet table had been set up. He might have even called you Adele had it not been for the chicken wing stuffed in his mouth.

“Do you ever stop eating?” You asked whilst cocking an eyebrow and walking over to him.

“Sure. When I’m in the suit, the rare occasions when I actually sleep, in the shower…wait no, there was that one time…” He said nonchalantly before stuffing a carrot stick in his mouth, making him look like a rabbit with his food stuffed cheeks and the carrot sticking out of his mouth. You couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of him.

“Anyway, where’s my dressing room?” You asked, and he pointed to a door just left of the stage while swallowing enough to allow him to speak.

“Right through there.” He finally managed to say. “Once you’re through there, it’s the last door on the left. I even put your name on it, it’s impossible to miss."

"You mean my actual name and not some famous female singer?”

“Shit, you mean your name isn’t Barbra Streisand??” He asked, making himself look shocked. You shot him the 'haha very funny’ glare before making your way over to the door.

Once you were at the end of the corridor, sure enough, there it was.

’(Y/N) (Y/L/N)’ was written inside a gold star that was stuck to the door. You rolled your eyes, not surprised at the fact that Tony had been extra enough to have a personalised star made for you, and then entered the dressing room.

People started flooding in just after 6. The murmuring of conversing crowds and the occasional outbreak of laughter amongst groups of individuals reverberated throughout the hall. The quartet had even arrived and were accompanying the sounds of conversation with the plucking of their stringed instruments in tuning.

Now fully glammed up in your dress and makeup with your hair curled just the way you like it, you stood just outside the door into the hall just observing the crowd, taking in the way these individuals were dressed and behaving. It was still early so the abundance of people were rather sparse making it so that you could see Nat and Bruce still in the same spot, but this time with Steve who was now dressed in a black tux. Deciding to settle with being in a social situation with people you were familiar with, you weaved your way through the sea of people taking up the space of the dance floor.

Nat was the first to spy you coming towards them.

“Ohh, someone’s looking extra fancy!” She said, making Bruce and Steve turn their attention towards you. You smiled at her comment.

“Well I wasn’t exactly going to show up in a t shirt and sweatpants like some people.” You said, looking at Steve.

“Hey, I didn’t want to get my suit all sweaty from lifting Tony’s stupidly heavy stuff.” He retorted. "Anyway, what time you going on?“

"In about two hours after everyone has arrived, but wait, how did you know I was performing? I didn’t think Tony had told anyone.” You asked.

“Are you kidding?? He wouldn’t shut up about it.” Steve exclaimed.

“Yeah, he was like a proud dad.” Nat said, earning a chuckle from both Steve and Bruce.

“Well I’m flattered that Tony considers me to be the daughter he never wanted.” You said, giving a slight shrug. When it came to gossip, Tony was no better than a teenage girl, which is why it came as no surprise that he had told everyone within his vicinity.

Nat opened her mouth to say something but before she did, Thor appeared with both arms in the air as if going in for a group hug with one hand containing a drink.

“Ah, my friends! How are you all this fine evening?” He boomed, making the whole room aware of his presence while beaming from ear to ear. It was almost as if his happiness was contagious as you all started smiling at the sight of his delight.

“Thor!” You said, almost in a shout as you went to hug him tightly. You hadn’t seen Thor in what seemed like forever since he was never one to be satisfied with lounging about the compound. He always had a desire to be out exploring the world and who could blame him? This was his home now after the fall of Asgard and it was entirely new to him. There was still so much more for him to discover and explore but he enjoyed every second of it.

He bought his huge arms down to hug you back the best he could given the height difference.

“Lady (Y/N)! What a pleasure to see you again! You look absolutely stunning!” He exclaimed, stepping back to take in your appearance.

“Thanks! You look rather spiffing, yourself.” You said, looking at the black tuxedo he just fit into.

“Why thank you! This Midgardian attire is starting to grow on me.”

“Looks like it needs to grow a little bigger.” Steve said into his glass as he took a swig. Everyone broke into laughter at the comment, including Thor himself.

“Has anyone seen my brother this evening?” Thor asked once the laughter had died down.

“Uhh, well, I’m pretty confident in saying that I don’t think we’ll be seeing him at all tonight.” You replied, picturing Loki back in his room, his nose in one of your books.

“Ah, what a shame, I was looking forward to seeing him again. Though, it doesn’t surprise me. He always did favour solitude.”

'That makes the both of us’ you thought to yourself, wishing that you were back in your room enjoying your own company.

The conversation between you all continued from there. Thor recounted his Midgardian experiences while Nat, Bruce and Steve bought him up to speed on what they had been up to mission wise. Thor was about to go into explicit detail about his Indian food experiences (more focussing on the day after effects) when suddenly he was cut off by Tony at the mic on the stage.

“Good evening friends, associates and bitter exes. Boy, what a night we have in store for you all. We have Alex Abaev and his quartet from Art-Strings to provide you with the finest classical music to grace your ears. We have an open bar, curtesy of the venue, huge thank you to Grand Prospect Hall for hosting this shin-dig at such late notice by the way, can I get a round of applause?” Tony started clapping as the sounds of applause arose from the crowd and reverberated through the hall, accompanied by a few whistles here and there. The applause died down and Tony continued.

“We have a buffet table, also curtesy of the hall which will be serving all night long so don’t even think about sneaking out to get Wendy’s.” He pointed jokingly to multiple people in the crowd then following up his action with a smirk. “It is also with great pleasure that I introduce you all to the star of the evening. This is her first performance in front of a large audience so go easy on her, where are you, sweetheart?” He asked, scanning the audience for you. You raised your hand and waved at him and his eyes fell on you and he then gestured for you to join him on stage. You started to make your way forward and the crowd split in front of you as you walked, making you feel somewhat important. When you finally stood next to him onstage, he gestured towards you as if you were a valuable piece that was up for auction. “Ladies and gents, Miss (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!” He announced and the crowd gave you a warm round of applause, making you blush slightly.

During the applause however, the doors of the venue burst open, catching your attention. Your eyes slightly widened at the figure that waltzed in.

It was Loki, dressed in an all black suit with his raven hair slicked back to avoid obstructing his visage. He strutted in, his hands in his pockets, making him look calm and collected despite being out of his comfort zone. It didn’t take long for him to notice that you were on the stage and his gaze locked onto you. Tony had begun to address the audience again but you weren’t hearing a word as Loki began to smirk and gave you a wink before breaking the stare and sashaying over to where Thor and the others had remained. You quickly composed yourself after remembering that you were on stage, the audience probably thinking that you’d seen a ghost by now, and tuned back into what Tony was saying.

“And of course, a huge thank you to the person who even made this possible. The organiser of this event, CEO of Stark Industries and the love of my life, Miss Pepper Potts.” He said, looking at Pepper who was stood just offstage, most likely in preparation to interject if Tony started to say something that could get himself or the company in trouble…again. When she came up onto the stage, Tony wrapped an arm around her waist and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as the crowd cheered.

While they were having their moment, you slipped away behind them to rejoin your little clique at the bar where Thor had begun to tell stories of what he and Loki got up to when they were younger with his arm around his adopted sibling.

"…and when we were children, he used to cast an illusion on himself to make it look as if he were bleeding when we got into a brotherly brawl and threatened to show mother. Of course it came as no surprise to me the day he earned the title of the god of mischief!“ He laughed, giving a rather disgruntled looking Loki a slight shake while the mischievous man stood stiffly with his arms folded.

"Ah, Lady (Y/N)! You never told me you were a singer!”

“Well I mean, it’s not something I parade around. It’s just a hobby I suppose.” You shrugged.

“If singing at the top of your lungs in the kitchen counts as 'not parading it around’, then I guess you’re correct.” Loki chimed in, one of his evil grins showing up on his face. You glared at him, irritated at the fact that he’d spilled something you’d rather be kept a secret to your closest friends.

’So you were listening.’ your look seemed to say.

Everyone looked at him and then at you with visible confusion. They didn’t know whether to believe him given the fact that he had frequent tendencies to lie and that his accusation completely contradicted your quiet personality. At that moment, you lost all motivation to remain social and decided to retreat back to the dressing room. That was partly the reason Tony had organised it for you anyway. Clearing your throat, you quickly thought of an excuse to leave.

“Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to do some vocal warm ups in my dressing room. See you all later!” You said quickly and sped walked through the clusters of people back to your dressing room.

You couldn’t help but ponder. Why was Loki here? What’s he planning? Is it to mess with you again? Because he sure as hell wasn’t here to socialise.

“It’s rather rude to dismiss yourself amidst a conversation, you know.” A voice came from behind you from where you sat at your dressing table and startled you.

“Yeah and it’s rather rude to tell people’s secrets and enter their room without their permission but apparently that doesn’t stop you.” You spat, acknowledging Loki without looking at him while was stood across the room with his hands once again in his pockets.

“Again with the hostility. Might want to save that fire for when you’re on stage, pet.” He said, walking towards you.

“Why are you even here? Wouldn’t you rather be in your room consuming books till the crack of dawn?” You said rather angrily as you swivelled in your seat to glare at him.

“Tempting as that may be, I just couldn’t pass up an opportunity to see you steal the show.”

“You don’t care about my singing.”

“Initially perhaps. But once I heard your voice echoing through the halls of the facility a few days ago, well, to say you piqued my interest would be quite the understatement.” You stood and looked at him in confusion.

“You could have just told me you enjoyed my singing without messing with me and taunting me in front of my friends.”

“Oh but where would be the fun in that?”

“Of course, because everything’s a game to you, isn’t it.”

“No need to be so bitter, love. Besides, I come bearing a gift.”

“And what would that be? Did you steal my makeup bag again but replace all the products with snakes this time?”

“I’ll admit, that would have been devilish, but no.” Loki stated tilted his gaze down towards your torso. Looking down at yourself, you were alarmed to realise that the dress on your body had started to glow a green colour and began to change shape. Soon when the glow had faded, you were in a completely different dress and it didn’t take long to realise that it was the dress he had caught you admiring, but instead it was a deep emerald colour. You let out a sound concocted of surprise and joy.

“It’s beautiful! But the one I saw was red…” You said in confusion.

“Consider it my mark. If you’re going to be wearing something as a gift from me I’d rather it not be tarnished with the colour of my brother’s wardrobe.”

“But why would you do this for me?” You gave him a perplexed look.

Loki proceeded to close the distance between you, placing his fingers underneath your chin and brushing your lips with his. His kiss was soft, sweet and tender leaving you breathless. He leaned back to look you in the eye.

“It appears as though I’ve grown rather fond of you my dear, and I wish of nothing more than to see you stun the crowd with your magnificent vocal talent.” He said in an almost whisper, his voice low and smooth.

“Well, I go on in about an hour. How about you let me get some vocal warm ups in so I can grant your wish?” You requested and Loki chuckled.

“Of course, my love. But allow me to give you a little something for good luck before I leave.”

He placed his hands on your hips and leaned in to kiss you once more, this time kissing you more deeply, entwining his tongue with yours. You fastened your hands around the back of his neck and sunk into a heavenly bliss, which only made you feel a larger pang of disappointment when he withdrew.

“Break a leg…” He said with a smirk before going to leave. “…and remember love, don’t forget to breathe. Would be a pity if you were to pass out before your chance to shine.”

————————————————————-

A/N: You probably thought the performance would be in this chapter, but where’s the fun in just skipping to the main event? Hehe.

The comment about mint ice cream tasting like toothpaste was inspired by a post somewhere, I’m sure it was tumblr, but sadly I couldn’t find it. However, I can 100% confirm that that would be something Tony would say so I chucked it in there anyway.

Also holy crap, isn’t Grand Prospect Hall such a gorgeous place?? It’s 100% real, and I honestly hope I get to visit it one day, it’s rather spectacular looking.

Thought I’d also mention that Alex Abaev and his quartet are real too. They’re based in NYC and do events like weddings and other gatherings, their performances are phenomenal. Here’s their YouTube channel if you’re interested c:

As always, your kudos are much appreciated! I read and respond to every comment whether it be on this post or on AO3. If you have any ideas or criticism then I would love to hear it! I came up with the idea of Tony tampering with the ice cream machine just to piss Clint off myself but I didn’t really have a reason why until cravingmustard suggested that it was because Clint deserves to be punished for not liking mint choc chip in the first place and I loved that! Anyway, next chapter will be the performance I promise! Hope you all have a wonderful day, my lovelies <3

#Loki #Lover #God of Mischief #Submitted fic #submission #All of me #chapter 5 #a7xing-forever #captivating #perform #tony stark #formal #charity events

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dieuleveut · 4 years

Text

October 31st, 2020

Earlier in February, Colleen and I went to Vegas to celebrate her friend Joanne’s birthday. There, I met and clicked with Joanne’s friend Nick. We connected instantly and spent the weekend flirting and touching and cuddling and kissing. Unfortunately, as the weekend came to a close, I found out that Nick lives in Portland. There wasn’t any chance we could pursue anything beyond “fun night in Vegas.”

This past Monday (nearly 8 months later), I get a text from Nick letting me know he was in town and that we should meet up for a drink. We start persistently texting (and sexting) all week. I’m excited to perhaps finally finish what we started back in February, when he tells me there might not be that opportunity since he’s staying with friends and family. I was a bit disappointed, until he throws the idea out there of maybe changing his flight and booking a hotel for us on Friday.

Now, I’m not used to this. I don’t have people doing things like that for me. I imagine it’s inconvenient, expensive, troublesome. But he reassures me it’s absolutely none of that.

Wednesday, we get drinks with a group of friends. The restaurant kind of sucked, in that they did not allow our group to sit together. So Nick and I were separated, despite all our big talk about goofing around under the table. Almost disappointing, until after dinner we all head somewhere else for drinks and Selena (bless her wingwoman soul) says, “should we shake up the tables?” and makes sure Nick and I are sitting together.

Then Nick takes his hand to my leg and up my skirt, gripping my thigh. This is exactly what I needed.

The rest of Wednesday night went swimmingly. Nick lent me his jacket since I was a clown and didn’t bring one. Long Beach is not surprisingly cold, being near the ocean and all.

Friday comes around. Nick booked a hotel, picked a gorgeous restaurant. I’m freaking out because again, I’m not used to this. Being treated well, wined and dined, no expectation from me other than to look nice and have a good time.

I meet him at the hotel and to my horror (at myself), Nick is wearing very fine, normal clothes. Meanwhile, I’m wearing a leather jacket, sleeveless turtleneck, pencil skirt, black tights and pointed heels. I feel like a hooker. Like a Pretty Woman.

“You look. Stunning,” he says. Genuinely stunned. Okay, maybe I’m overthinking it.

When we make it up to the hotel room to drop off my stuff, I am floored by how nice it is. It’s really not that nice, but it’s top floor, it’s our own private room with a huge king bed. I’m. Not. Used. To. This. He bought this for me. For us.

Dinner was nothing short of incredible. Even though we had gone out to eat earlier on Wednesday, the separated seating really reinforced the COVIDness of the situation. Meanwhile here, it was... the most normal I have ever felt in the past year. Surrounded by other happy diners, with a really cute, sweet guy who keeps complimenting me, eating food served on real plates (and not paper or plasticware)... Incredible. A real fucking date. A DATE.

It was so nice, pretending to be dating someone. Holding hands with someone. Doing cute kisses on the street, with and without masks on.

When we get back to the hotel room, it’s like the flame of long awaited anticipation bursts into an unstoppable wildfire. He throws me back onto the bed, pulls me close to him. We kiss like we’ve been craving each other for months. He quickly pulls off my clothes, trails down to my tights and my panties and just like he promised, made up for Vegas.

Because we didn’t have much alone time back then, we made out in a dark bathroom after everyone fell asleep and I went down on him and that was it. This time, he returned the favor. With his tongue, his fingers (my god, his fingers). After losing count of how many times I came, he finally laid on his back and it was my turn. And I cannot believe I forgot how beautiful his cock was. The angle, the girth, a handsome head. And so, so hard.

I go down on him, but he’s impatient. He grips my hair tight and forces himself down my throat, holding me there until I can’t breathe anymore. He even takes his thighs and squeezes my head between with no escape for me. I love this. I really do, the animalistic, the raw disregard for me and focusing only on his desire. I could do it forever, if I weren’t always worried about my slightly dislocated jaw. God, fuck my jaw for taking the pleasure of violent blowjobs for me.

And when he finally puts his cock inside me, holy hell. I mentioned earlier that it curves at the perfect angle, in towards my G-spot. Again, lost count of how many times I came with just him fucking me. If I could just keep him in there at all times, I would be so happy.

This... sexual bliss was exactly what we both anticipated after so long. He came twice, once down my throat and once on my face. My favorite place is usually inside of me (I love to feel a cock pulse inside my pussy and fill me up), but alas no birth control? No inside jazz.

I’m completely spent at this point and Nick scoots up the bed and says, “come cuddle!” And we just fit... so well. No matter what position, cuddling was always incredibly comfortable. Safe. Warm. He lightly traces his fingers along my skin, just like I like. It’s delicate and loving.

We stay up for a bit just like this. Talking and cuddling. I might’ve divulged a bit more than I should have about myself, about exes and experiences. This evening was just so special and important to me, and I wanted him to know that.

I don’t think I’m exaggerating or forgetting when I say, no one has ever done something like this for me before. From beginning to end. From changing a flight (for me) to booking a hotel (for me) to picking a restaurant to literally blowing my mind with intense sex that he stressed was more about pleasing me. And this kind of attention and treatment is something that I am still processing as I write this.

We fell asleep sometime around 2:00am and Nick woke up three hours later to catch his flight back to Portland. He’s rushing between the bathroom and packing while I’m half awake wishing he would stay.

“Alright, beautiful,” he finally says.

“No...”

“I know.”

We thank each other for the incredible night, parting with one long, last kiss. He tastes like fresh toothpaste, and I try not to breathe morning breath into him. We break and he makes his way to the door.

“I’ll see you... soon.” I say.

And with that, he’s gone. I’m alone, and not just in this hotel room. I feel alone alone.

That’s what I’m trying to process right now. This year has been such a whirlwind for me. With COVID and quarantine, I have spent more time with myself than I ever expected to. Some days, it feels very good. I like spending time with myself and indulging in what makes me happy. But some days, it’s very quiet. There is such a thing as too quiet.

Nick showing up in LA unexpectedly was the most amazing thing to happen to me. Sweeping me off my feet, like I always dreamed about when I used to be a hopeless romantic. Telling me how pretty, beautiful, sexy I am, how nice I smell and how nervous he was to do this too. I have felt so invisible lately, that I almost forgot how wonderful it feels to feel... seen.

Now, I’m coming to terms with how most great connections in my life are so fleeting. I’m trying to take this fact of life as something positive. Nothing is consistent but that shouldn’t discourage me from having those encounters. I shouldn’t be afraid of letting people get close or letting people go.

Enjoy the beautiful moments while you have them. They’re not meant to last forever but they can always stay in your heart and your memories.

And as long as you write them down so you never forget, those memories will never disappear.

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cellochicita · 7 years

Text

SO MANY QUESTIONS POSTS

OK SO I GOT TAGGED BY @bananabrianna77 @thiswebsitegavemethisusername @mtt-studios @zephyrus-gryphon @scolipendra91 AND @esmiden

SO NEEDLESS TO SAY I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS TO GO THROUGH

putting it below bc it longgg

1. What’s your favorite inside joke?

This is fine

2. What’s the strangest/stupidest/most interesting way you’ve ever injured yourself?

Naruto running across the street, I tweaked my shoulder something awful

3. What’s your favorite color, and what do you find so appealing about that color?

Lilac purple *star eyes* I’ve always loved purple, it’s very feminine without being in your face, and mysterious, and lilac has the warm red undertones to it that make it feel like a hug. Plus I love the smell of the flower too

4. If you had a million dollars (or whatever currency you weird non-American peeps use) what WOULDN’T you spend it on?

Umm. I wouldn’t spend it on gambling

5. What do you usually eat for breakfast?

Whoo boy depends what I can grab as I run out the door. Toast, banana, etc.

6. Hey you now possess the ability to give people superpowers. I, your indecisive trash bag pal, just requested you give me a “random superpower”. What kinda power will you give me?

Hmm, I give you the power of flight bc flying rocks

7. If the roles were reversed, what kind of superpower would you request?

I wanna talk to animals dangit

8. What time is it for you right now?

11 am :)

9. What was the worst homework assignment you ever had to complete?

Oh gosh um, 20 page paper written in one day? That sucked major butt

10. What’s your worst pet peeve?

When people cannot stop to question their own actions.

11. Not a question, but write a short (3-5 line) poem/rap about the closest thing to your left.

Left of me there is

A wall covered in carpet

Why is that a thing

1) COKE OR PEPSI???

COKE YOU HEATHEN

2) Favourite food?

Hnngg all of them? Rice bowls.

3) If you had to choose one song to listen to over and over for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Oh geez. Um. I could listen to orchestral covers of Asgore’s theme for hours

4) Favourite singer/band?

Owl City, Imagine Dragons, Bastille, Taylor Swift

5) Favourite subject to study in school?

History or music

6) Your favourite thing about the internet?

Heck I love the freedom it gave to me to create music and voicework. I’ve had good experiences networking too :)

7) Have you remembered to do what you need to today?

Ummm I suppose I just did. But I still don’t wanna do it, sooooo

8) What time do you usually wake up if you get to choose?

If I choose? 8 am. Out of bed by 9 (I have to catch up on notifs)

9) Favourite YouTuber?

The entire Internet Remix crew

10) Can you list 5 tumblr blogs you think I should follow right now?

@fishmum, @rileygoldsmith, @kanaking, @asgoriel-stuff, @stariousfalls

11) Who is the most underrated celebrity, in your opinion?

ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAID ME SHUT THE HECK YOUR MOUTHS

Piano Guys probably, they are great dudes

12) Favourite snack?

Cheese sticks

13) Can you describe your ideal day?

The day I can finally get caught up on all of my recording, then I go and hang out with family and friends

14) Your best tumblr friend?

Riley is bae @rileygoldsmith

15) Can you say the first thing that comes to your head NOW?

Can’t wait until my bf gets home so I can smooch his face

16) Favourite music genre?

Oof. I have eclectic tastes. Alternative I suppose? Not sure. If it sounds good, I like

17) Favourite video game? (If you don’t play, favourite Let’s Play series?)

Probably Undertale duh

18) The worst time someone has betrayed you?

Ex best friend, junior year of HS. But haha jokes on her, I’m dating her ex

19) Could you describe yourself in five words?

Keep enduring to the end

20) Favourite type of weather?

Fall weatherrrrrr

21) Could you describe your favourite place, without using the name?

Absolute peace

22) Favourite inspirational quote?

“Even when you think it's time to give up, don't. Take care of you and find yourself again if you need to” - Moony

1. What makes you feel at home?

My mom usually XD

2. Favorite soup?

Turkey and wild rice soup P:

3. Sunny or rainy?

Rainy dayssss ftw

4. Other than your family, who is one person who has shaped you?

My best friend

5. What patterns do you like on clothing that you don’t wear yourself (floral, striped, etc.)?

I wish I could pull off stripes mixed with florals

6. Quick, first word/phrase you think of!

I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts

7. One trait you envy about others?

The ability to not overthink things

8. What was the first online fandom you joined?

Online fandoms? Hmm, probably doctor who

9. Favorite song from the 20th century?

“The way you look tonight” Frank Sinatra

10. Which class did/do you do best in at school?

The easy ones. I got good grades in history tho

11. Would you smooch a ghost?

HECK YAS

1. Waffles, Pancakes, or french toast?

Waffles but on other days pancakes

2. Do you think spiders can be adorable?

So long as they’re not up in my space

3. Best gaming experience you have had?

Solstice ending of Oneshot. It was really the first time I played a game blind, and the ending is masterful

4. Happy song that makes you sad?

You are my sunshine BC OF THOSE DANG UNDERTALE COMICS DANGIT

5. Favorite adult cartoon?

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (I KNOW IT’S ANIME SHUSH)

2. Most adrenaline pumping thing you have done?

Bungee jumping was intense

7. Do you believe there is darkness within anyone, can anyone once good be evil?

I do believe, but I also believe the opposite. We all have dark and light in us, it all depends on what we choose

8. Favorite anime OST song, not counting openings or endings?

I dunno haha I do love the whole soundtrack to FMA Brotherhood? Not familiar with all the OST

9. Hade you dramatically lied to someone?

I have before

10. Did you notice I repeated 2 twice the first time you read this?

I JUST DID ACTUALLY I WAS GONNA FIX IT BC I THOUGHT MY COMPUTER MESSED UP XD

11. How was your day?

So far, pretty decent : )

1. How are you doing?

Pretty good thanks!

2. What leaves the worst taste in your mouth?

Figuratively or literally? Literally Orange juice after toothpaste. Figuratively, when I have to let stupid people alone to their ways

3. What is the strangest thing you’ve Googled?

Ghandi Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

4. What’s the funniest thing you’ve witnessed in public?

Me doing a perfect double take at a guy pretending to be a mannequin in a store window

5. You are given the ability to solve one unsolved mystery. Which one do you choose?

Amelia Earhart. Where she at man

6. If you could write a letter to your past self, what would you tell them?

Dude, you won’t be lonely forever. It gets so much better

7. Which video game have you played through the most?

Undertale

8. If you could instantly learn a skill, which one would you choose?

DRAWING DANGIT I WANNA BE GOOD

9. What is a song you can never get tired of?

State of Grace, Taylor Swift

10. What is your favorite combination of food?

Breakfast for dinner!

11. What is the pettiest thing you’ve ever done?

Ghosted my friend bc she wouldn’t talk to me

1. Favorite literature or movie genre

Quirky fantasy

2. Top five animated cartoons

Phineas and Ferb, Gravity Falls, Avatar the Last Airbender, Steven Universe, Over the Garden Wall

3. If you could choose a fantasy land to stay in for the rest of your life, which one would you chose? Ps. You won’t be able to get back to the real world.

Hogwarts. Gimme. Now.

4. Favorite song at the moment?

Gorgeous, Taylor Swift

5. What is good design for you?

Something simple and clean, but warm and inviting

6. What’s your favorite color scheme/combination?

Lilac, lavender, mint and silver

7. Which feelings effects you the most in litterature/music/film etc.?

I am such a sucker for sister to sister relationships, make me teary every time

8. Favorite game?

Undertale (same as above)

9. What’s most important for you in a good movie?

I need to have fun! And I need it to not drag on

10. What’s your favorite time of the day and why?

Sunset

11. Extra because I’m out of ideas, if you got a painting. What would you want on it? XD

Cats!

AND I’M NOT GONNA TAG ANYONE ELSE BC I AM SO TIRED

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linked-out · 5 years

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January 11th, 2020

It’s fairly well known that for the last thirty years my main work as an artist has been located in activities and contexts that don’t suggest art in any way. Brushing my teeth, for example, in the morning when I’m barely awake; watching in the mirror the rhythm of my elbow moving up and down…

The practice of such an art, which isn’t perceived as art, is not so much a contradiction as a paradox. Why this is so requires some background.

When I speak of activities and contexts that don’t suggest art, I don’t mean that an event like brushing my teeth each morning is chosen and then set into a conventional art context, as Duchamp and many others since him have done. That strategy, by which an art-identifying frame (such as a gallery or theater) confers “art value” or “art discourse” on some nonart object, idea, or event, was, in Duchamp’s initial move, sharply ironic. It forced into confrontation a whole bundle of sacred assumptions about creativity, professional skill, individuality, spirituality, modernism, and the presumed value and function of high art itself. But later it became trivialized, as more and more nonart was put on exhibit by other artists. Regardless of the merits of each case, the same truism was headlined every time we saw a stack of industrial products in a gallery, every time daily life was enacted on a stage: that anything can be estheticized, given the right art packages to put it into. But why should we want to estheticize “anything”? All the irony was lost in those presentations, the provocative questions forgotten. To go on making this kind of move in art seemed to me unproductive.

Instead, I decided to pay attention to brushing my teeth, to watch my elbow moving. I would be alone in my bathroom, without art spectators. There would be no gallery, no critic to judge, no publicity. This was the crucial shift that removed the performance of everyday life from all but the memory of art. I could, of course, have said to myself, “Now I’m making art!!” But in actual practice, I didn’t think much about it.

My awareness and thoughts were of another kind. I began to pay attention to how much this act of brushing my teeth had become routinized, non-conscious behavior, compared with my first efforts to do it as a child. I began to suspect that 99 percent of my daily life was just as routinized and unnoticed; that my mind was always somewhere else; and that the thousand signals my body was sending me each minute were ignored. I guessed also that most people were like me in this respect.

Brushing my teeth attentively for two weeks, I gradually became aware of the tension in my elbow and fingers (was it there before?), the pressure of the brush on my gums, their slight bleeding (should I visit the dentist?). I looked up once and saw, really saw, my face in the mirror. I rarely looked at myself when I got up, perhaps because I wanted to avoid the puffy face I’d see, at least until it could be washed and smoothed to match the public image I prefer. (And how many times had I seen others do the same and believed i was different!)

This was an eye-opener to my privacy and to my humanity. An unremarkable picture of myself was beginning to surface, and image I’d created but never examined. It colored the images I made of the world and influenced how I dealt with my images of others. I saw this little by little.

But if this wider domain of resonance, spreading from the mere process of brushing my teeth, seems too far from its starting point, I should say immediately that it never left the bathroom. The physicality of brushing, the aromatic taste of toothpaste, rinsing my mouth and the brush, the many small nuances such as right-handedness causing me to enter my mouth with the loaded rush from that side and then move to the left side — these particularities always stayed in the present. The larger implications popped up from time to time during the subsequent days. All this from toothbrushing.

How is this relevant to art? Why is this not just sociology? It is relevant because developments within modernism itself let to art’s dissolution into its life sources. Art in the West has a long history of secularizing tendencies, going back at least as far as the Hellenistic period. by the late 1950s and 1960s this lifelike impulse dominated the vanguard. Art shifted away from the specialized object in the gallery to the real urban environment; to the real body and mind; to communications technology; and to remote natural regions of the ocean, sky, and desert. Thus the relationship of the act of toothbrushing to recent art is clear and cannot be bypassed. This is where the paradox lies; an artist concerned with lifelike art is an artist who does and does not make art.

Anything less than paradox would be simplistic. Unless the identity (and thus the meaning) of what the artist does oscillates between ordinary, recognizable activity and the “resonance” of that activity in the larger human context, the activity itself reduces to conventional behavior. Or if it is framed as art by a gallery, it reduces to conventional art. Thus toothbrushing, as we normally do it, offers no roads back to the real would either. But ordinary life performed as art/not art can charge the everyday with metaphoric power.

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ozkamal · 8 years

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"But the problem with me was that as soon as I started thinking about getting it together, I got this mad craving desire to fuck it up." Rebecca Godfrey“I am an over-thinker and an over-feeler. Over-lover. Over- needer. I would flood you. I would drown your respectable standoffishness. I don’t get over things, but I get under them well. I’d love you and you’d soak me through. You couldn’t handle me even if you wanted to.” Rebeka Anne, some people think I’m too much "I just want to pour my soul out onto someone and not have to worry about the mess I've made" "Sometimes I’m certain those who are happy know one thing more than us… or one thing less." - Anne Michaels “The Weight of Oranges” “I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.” Haruki Murakami “Find something that you’re passionate about, devote your time and energy to it. But make sure what you’re passionate about is not a person, but a thing.”“I don’t really want to become normal, average, standard. I want merely to gain in strength, in the courage to live out my life more fully, enjoy more, experience more. I want to develop even more original and more unconventional traits.” Anaïs Nin“You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the colour of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.” What my therapist told me this morning“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier.” River Phoenix “I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.” Sylvia Plath “I’m tired" “Sleep” “No you don’t understand” Do you understand?“What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours–that is what you must be able to attain.” Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll “Reading is not simply an intellectual pursuit but an emotional and spiritual one. It lights the candle in the hurricane lamp of self; that’s why it survives.” Anna Quindle“It would be that time - late at night - when your ears reach for any sound. When you can see more with your eyes closed than open.” Diary - Chuck Palahniuk“I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” Player Piano, Kurt Vonnegut “I think I’d like to say only that they should learn to be alone and try to spend as much time as possible by themselves. I think one of the faults of young people today is that they try to come together around events that are noisy, almost aggressive at times. This desire to be together in order to not feel alone is an unfortunate symptom, in my opinion. Every person needs to learn how to spend time with oneself. That doesn’t mean he should be lonely, but that he shouldn’t grow bored with himself because people who grow bored in their own company seem to me in danger, from a self-esteem point of view.” Andrei Tarkovsky “I’m one of those people who believe that words are some of the last forms of magic that exist” Lana Del Rey “She waited for the train to pass. Then she said, “I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.”” Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman “… we are capable of many things in all directions, of great virtues and great sins. And who in his mind has not probed the black water? Maybe we all have in us a secret pond where evil and ugly things germinate and grow strong. But this culture is fenced, and the swimming brood climbs up only to fall back. Might it not be that in the dark pools of some men the evil grows strong enough to wriggle over the fence and swim free? Would not such a man be our monster, and are we not related to him in our hidden water? It would be absurd if we did not understand both angels and devils, since we invented them.” East of Eden - John Steinbeck “I crave so much more than just a physical connection. I crave words and depth. I crave who you are and where you came from, your desires and fears. I yearn to know every inch of you beyond the surface.”“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the…man who walks past [you]…at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…” Timothy Leary http://ift.tt/2l1RShO have very intense conversations with friends, people I really interconnect with. We talk about politics, important things. I like to talk about ideas and get people to be specific.” Jacqueline Bisset “Date someone who is interested in you. I don’t mean someone who thinks you’re cute or funny. I mean someone who wants to know every insignificant detail about you. Someone who wants to read every word you write. Someone who wants hear every note of your favourite song, and watch every scene of your favourite movie. Someone wants to find every scar upon your body, and learn where each one came from. Someone who wants to know your favourite brand of toothpaste, and which quotes resonate deep inside your bones when you hear them. There is a difference between attraction and interest. Find the person who wants to learn every aspect of who you are, and hold onto them.”I stopped explaining myself when I realized, People only understand from their level of perception“She’s never where she is. She’s only inside her head.” White Oleander by Janet Fitch“What I hate is ignorance, smallness of imagination, the eye that sees no farther than its own lashes. All things are possible. Who you are is limited only by who you think you are.” Egyptian Book of the Dead“I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.” Unknown you find a woman with a wild heart do not try to tame her. You must adore her recklessly, the way she is meant to be loved. Do not try to quiet her, for her roars will reach far and wide. She has something important to say. Help her say it. Do not get in her way. She stops for no one. Do not try to change the path she has chosen. Learn also to love the wind and let it change you.” C.B. Wild-Hearted Woman “I am not a puzzle to be solved. I am someone to be experienced- a soul to be tasted” jenn satsun“To be acutely conscious is a disease, a real, honest-to-goodness disease.” Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes from Underground "Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul."“Sometimes words come out of me and I don’t know where they come from or why. They’re like falling stars tumbling through the universe; bright, burning things that can’t be stopped.” Glenda Millard, A Small Free Kiss in the Dark “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”“My emotional life: dialectic between craving for privacy and need to submerge myself in a passionate relationship to another.” Susan Sontag, from Reborn: Journals & Notebooks “We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning.” Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood“I remained to much inside my head and ended up losing my mind.” Edgar Allen Poe “Protect yourself from your own thoughts.” Rumi I try to maintain a healthy dose of daydreaming to remain sane.” Florence Welch “I’m self-sufficient. I spend a lot of time on my own and I shut off quite easily. When I communicate, I communicate 900%, then I shut off, which scares people sometimes.” Björk "Desires, memories, fears, passions form labyrinths in which we lose and find and then lose ourselves again." Bernhard Schlink“I’ve always believed one could live many lives…even if just in our imagination. The world is open to us, and each day is an occasion to reinvent ourselves.” Ralph Lauren"I hunger for intensity. For love, affection, for tangible. For ineffable. For infinity. For discovery. I hunger for knowledge. Life is filled with wanders and wonders. Die knowing something. Die loving something."“I fell in love with books. Some people find beauty in music, some in painting, some in landscape, but I find it in words. By beauty, I mean the feeling you have suddenly glimpsed another world, or looked into a portal that reveals a kind of magic or romance out of which the world has been constructed, a feeling there is something more than the mundane, and a reason for our plodding.” To Own a Dragon: Reflections on Growing Up Without a Father, Donald Miller “Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.” Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer“I am a jumble of passions, misgivings, and wants. It seems that I am always in a state of wishing and rarely in a state of contentment.” The Sweet Far Thing, Libba Bray “All profound distraction opens certain doors. You have to allow yourself to be distracted when you are unable to concentrate.” Julio Cortazar“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your soul. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” Franz Kafka“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music— the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.” Henry Miller Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom…is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.” Anthony Bourdain “Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning.” Elie Wiesel, Dawn “And like the sea, I’m constantly changing from calm to hell.” Dallas Green “Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.” Christopher Morley“I feel so shut out, I’m always homesick. But when I get home. I find it’s something else I’m longing for.” Autumn Sonata “Without deep conversation, my mind becomes restless. I need passion and intellect, it’s a shame that a person often lacks one or the other.”“I didn’t say I liked it. I said it fascinated me. There is a great difference.” Oscar Wilde, adapted from The Picture of Dorian Gray “I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night”“Loneliness is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t wanna deal with people.” Hedonist Poet“I want to be loved and to be left alone.” David Swanger, “My Mother’s Nudes"“I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.” Emily Dickinson“I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; I think strange things which I dare not confess to my own soul.” Bram Stoker, Dracula“I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.” Virginia Woolf, The Waves“Not everyone can feel things as deeply as you. Most people, their feelings are … bland, tasteless. They’ll never understand what it’s like to read a poem and feel almost like they’re flying, or to see a bleeding fish and feel grief that shatters their heart…” Juliann Garey, Too Bright to Hear Too Loud to See “And never have I felt so deeply at one and, at the same time, so detached from myself, and so present in the world.” Albert Camus“My human capabilities aren’t sufficient enough to help translate what my soul wants to express.” JMC“Perhaps the world’s second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore.” Jean Baudrillard “We approach the void…but not to fall into it. We want to become intoxicated with dizziness and the image of the fall is sufficient.” Georges Bataille, Death and Sensuality“If you’re ever lucky enough to find a girl who is a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind, you should hold onto that. Because she’ll be yours at two in the morning and at two in the afternoon the following day. She’ll kiss you where it hurts and until it hurts. And that’s important. Someone who not only knows how to turn you on but also knows how to treat you right is someone worth a little something… and a little more than usual.”“I think if we didn’t contradict ourselves, it would be awfully boring. It would be tedious to be alive. Changing your mind is probably one of the most beautiful things people can do. And I’ve changed my mind about a lot of things over the years.” Paul Auster“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know–unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.” James Kavanaugh“Does she scare you a little? Good. She should make you fear her love, so that when she lets you be apart of it, you won’t take it lightly. She should remind you of the power that beauty brings, that storms reside in her veins, and that she still wants you in the middle of it all. Do not take this soul for granted, for she is fierce, and she can take you places that you never thought you could go; but she is still loving in the midst of it all, like the calm rain after a storm, she can bring life. Learn her, and cherish her, respect her, and love her; for she is so much more than a pretty face, she is a soul on fire.” T.B. LaBerge // Things I’m still learning at 25“Everything is strange. Things are huge and very small.” The Waves, Virginia Woolf"We are meant to discover our authentic nature-- the state of being in which we are inspired by ourselves, turned on, lit up, and excited about who we are." Debbie Ford“Understand me. I’m not like an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I do not have time for things that have no soul.” Charles Bukowski “All I ever really want to know is how other people are making it through life — where do they put their body, hour by hour, and how do they cope inside of it.” Miranda July, from It Chooses You “I want to meet people with fire in them, burning through life like a forest fire, too many people die out and survive on embers.” Adam Zucconi “A thinking woman sleeps with monsters.” Snapshots of a Daughter-in-Law, Adrienne Rich“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the sky.” Jack Kerouac “The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous, and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.” Helen Mirren “I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me…I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person.” Sylvia Plath“I just want to think deeply about things. Contemplate ideas in a pure, free sort of way. That’s all.” Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage “Strangeness is a necessary ingredient in beauty.” Charles Baudelaire “You have to be interested. If you’re not interested, you can’t be interesting.” Iris Apfel “I always thought insanity would be a dark, bitter feeling, but it is drenching and delicious if you really roll around in it.” The Help, Kathryn Stockett “Everybody’s born with some different thing at the core of their existence. And that thing, whatever it is, becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside. I have one too, of course. Like everybody else. But sometimes it gets out of hand. It swells or shrinks inside me, and it shakes me up. What I’d really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person. But I can’t seem to do it. They just don’t get it. Of course, the problem could be that I’m not explaining it very well, but I think it’s because they’re not listening very well. They pretend to be listening, but they’re not, really. So I get worked up sometimes, and I do some crazy things.” Haruki Murakami,The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle“Words weren’t dull, words were things that could make your mind hum. If you read them and let yourself feel the magic, you could live without pain, with hope, no matter what happened to you.” Charles Bukowski (from Ham On Rye)“Certain kinds of knowledge rob people of their sleep.” Haruki Murakami, 1Q84“Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.” High Fidelity - Nick Hornby “For every devious scream in my head there is a divine whisper and it saves me every time.” VàZaki Nada“In man’s memories there are those things that he doesn’t reveal to all, but perhaps only to his friends. And then there are those he won’t reveal even to his friends, but perhaps only to himself, and even then in confidence. But then, finally, there are those that a man is afraid to reveal even to himself, and any decent man accumulates quite enough of those things.” Notes from the Underground - Fyodor Dostoevsky“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel the wrong ways? My insides don’t match up with my outsides. Do anyone’s inside and outsides match up? I don’t know. I’m only me. Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and the outside. But it’s worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.” Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close“In spite of language, in spite of intelligence and intuition and sympathy, one can never really communicate anything to anybody. The essential substance of every thought and feeling remains incommunicable, locked up in the impenetrable strong-room of the individual soul and body. Our life is a sentence of perpetual solitary confinement.” Aldous Huxley“Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature, understand them thoroughly.”“People who have monsters recognize each other. They know each other without even saying a word.” Benjamin Alire Sáenz“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone - and finding that that’s ok with them.” Alain de Botton“Let’s clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.” Laurie Helgoe“Remember that the world began in a manic episode, too. God likes to hoard sharp things, just like you. We are saving you. And we need to hear it one more time: Who knows best?” Lydia Havens, From the Voices, published in “Pouch” “Keep interested in others; keep interested in the wide and wonderful world. Then in a spiritual sense you will always be young.” Fredric March“fernweh [feyrn-vey]” (noun) This wonderful, untranslatable German word describes the feeling of homesickness for a far away land, a place you have never visited. Do not confuse this with the english word, wanderlust; Fernweh is much more profound, it is the feeling of an unsatisfied urge to escape and discover new places, almost a sort of sadness. You miss a place you have never experienced, as opposed to lusting over it or desiring it like wanderlust. You are seeking freedom and self-discovery, but not a particular home.“Getting lost was not a matter of geography so much as identity, a passionate desire, even an urgent need, to become no one and anyone, to shake off the shackles that remind you who you are, who others think you are.” Rebecca Solnit“Suddenly you’re ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you’re alive and its spectacular.”“I’m very interested in good and evil and the moral natures of people.” Antonia Fraser“I stay up just late enough until I am just exhausted enough that I can fall into my bed and sink into immediate slumber. Because I can’t stand lying in a bed in a dark room alone with just my thoughts for so many hours and hours.”“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift.” Mary Oliver“I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.” Unknown“The ability to sit down with another person and talk for hours, about anything and everything, is more attractive to me than anything else.” Koi Fresco“The power to bring me out of solitude – or to push me back into it – had never belonged to another person. It was mine and only mine.” Martha Beck“We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” bell hooks“My life is spent in one long effort to escape from the commonplace of existence.” Sherlock Holmes from The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle “Suffering and pain are always obligatory for a broad consciousness and a deep heart. Truly great men, I think, must feel great sorrow in this world.” Fyodor Dostoevsky (from Crime and Punishment)“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” Rainer Maria Rilke"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights“I felt a queasy mixture of relief and horror: when you finally stop an itch and realize it’s because you’ve ripped a hole in your skin” Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl“He wanted all to lie in an ecstasy of peace; I wanted all to sparkle and dance in a glorious jubilee. I said his heaven would be only half alive; and he said mine would be drunk: I said I should fall asleep in his; and he said he could not breathe in mine.” Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights“I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. You’re all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, you just sort of look up for a second and go right back inside.” Haruki Murakami “I cannot stand small talk, because I feel like there’s an elephant standing in the room shitting all over everything and nobody is saying anything. I’m just dying to say, ‘Hey, do you ever feel like jumping off a bridge?’ or ‘Do you feel an emptiness inside your chest at night that is going to swallow you?’ But you can’t say that at a…party.” Paul Gilmartin, The Mental Illness Happy Hour“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!” It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.” Oriah Mountain Dreamer“I’m half child half ancient.”I am fucking insane but my intentions are gold and my heart is pure“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?” Don DeLillo“Everyone has a 2 AM and a 2 PM personality.”“My problem is that I fall in love with words, rather than actions. I fall in love with ideas and thoughts, instead of reality. And it will be the death of me.” “My nights are for overthinking, my mornings are for oversleeping.”“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood"George Orwell, 1984“‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’” Louis C.K.“I’m not the same everyday. There are times where I’m loud and chatty, and there are times when I’m really quiet. I don’t think I can define myself.”“Personally, I’m a mess of conflicting impulses—I’m independent and greedy and I also want to belong and share and be a part of the whole.” Richard Siken, Spork Editor’s Pages: Black Telephone“There is no pleasure more complex than that of thought.” Jorge Luis Borges, The Immortal from Labyrinths, “Pick my brain. Ask me about my views on something. Dig deeper than the obvious. Let’s make each other think. Show me a different perspective.”“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good.” Roal Dahl "I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what's really important in life."“Human beings are made of water, we were not designed to hold ourselves together; rather run freely like oceans like rivers” Beau Taplin "You're under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.""How is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world I never knew?"I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new and that is ultimately good for the soul. “Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” Janet Fitch, White Oleander“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” AristotleIt was a joy! Words weren't dull, words were things that could make your mind hum. If you read them and let yourself feel the magic, you could live without pain, with hope, no matter what happened to you.“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.” Michael Faudet My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover. ~ Falsely yours“I don’t like small talk. Talk to me about life. Talk to me about your scars and the concealer you call your smile. Talk to me about the story behind your favorite song. Tell me about your dreams that sometimes seem too big for the Earth to contain. Tell me what wakes you up in the morning before your alarm clock does. Tell me about what makes shivers run down your spine. Tell me about what makes your eyes light up like the stars I can’t see in New York City. Tell me your story.”“Who has not asked himself at some time or other: am I a monster or is this what it means to be a person?” Clarice Lispector, A Hora Da Estrela “I appreciate the people who take time to look at the world a little deeper”Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Be curious.” Stephen Hawking"I used to think I was the strangest person in the world. But then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me, who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there, thinking of me too. Well, I hope, that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes it's true. I'm here and I'm just as strange as you.""There's nothing wrong with not understanding yourself"

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