dieuleveut

[dieuleveut]

January 6th, 2024

happy new year!

sheesh where to start?

on January 2nd, a girl named Rachel reached out to me on Instagram.

Hi Juliet,

Not sure if you’ve ever been romantically involved with Gaige, but me and a number of women have come forward with information on his serial cheating for the past 4+ years. We’ll be meeting to share our stories and gain some level of closure from these situations.

Wishing you a blessed 2024,

Rachel

I got this message literally on my way to the company trip in Las Vegas. At first i thought this was some kind of spam, but with Gaige’s name dropped, it was factually real. Couldn’t believe it. I mean, i absolutely could but still. the events unfolding themselves were no less surprising to hear about.

Of course i responded truthfully. That Gaige and I had been sleeping together on and off for the past year and a half. Apparently this information lines up with another girl that he was in a relationship with.

There’s been a lot of supportive and open back and forth with Rachel. We’re sharing what we both know, about the cheating history and about Gaige’s person.

So far the names on the roster that Rachel has dropped are Wendy, Tiffany, Joanne, Cindy, Sue, Rose… I don’t personally have the full picture and timeline of events, but judging by the size of the roster alone is insane to me.

I’m not taking this as personally as I could be. Thank god that Gaige and I never became anything serious. So this to me doesn’t constitute as cheating or lying, though it certainly completes the picture of him being a shady white guy with an asian fetish. But still!! I got myself involved with another fucking cheater. He may not have cheated on me, but he’s a CHEATER. It’s unforgivable even as an accident, let alone as a multi-offender with manipulation tactics and intention. It’s beyond fucked up what he is doing to so many (asian) women.

AND this man is having/insisting on unprotected sex with Rachel. She mentioned that she got infections that she normally wouldn’t get aside from being with him. I thank god that he and I used condoms, but holy shit on top of being a malicious, manipulative cheater, he’s psychotically putting his victims at risk of disease and pregnancy??

Rachel is in cahoots with some of the other women involved, but I think that since my involvement with him wasn’t too serious, my involvement in the accountability plan might be optional. I’m going to give her some space with all the information that i had and dropped on her, and let her reach out if there is anything she needs from me.

As much as i would love to see the conclusion of this for story’s sake, i really am not that invested in him and perhaps it would be healthy to keep a good distance from the explosion that that conclusion would be.

—

The Vegas trip with all the Baron people was… interesting to say the least.

I picked up Lizzie and Denise on Tuesday and we drove there together. Lizzie is hoping to see absolutely no one we know there. We get into the hotel without a hitch around 6pm, and wait patiently for the group dinner plan at 8pm.

Everyone else rolls in a little later, and we eventually get into Ramsay’s Kitchen for dinner. Oh my god it was so mid?? for $150, we got a singular bite of salmon, a delicious crab cake, a mushy risotto, a SALTY beef wellington, and a crazy too sweet toffee pudding. Overall meal wasn’t bad, but I was super picky considering the price and the reputation of Gordon Ramsay’s cooking. Needless to say, I was a bit disappointed.

Then we all went back to the hotel to chill. Smoke weed, drink, hang out. That was a pretty fun time with all the girl being kooky and Denise or Jenny occasionally busting a move.

We woke up casually the next day, with no early morning plans. Denise, Lizzie and I opt for a place called Hash House a Go Go. I don’t think those two care for American food, but they weren’t very decisive for anything else so that was the option I suggested we go with.

After a late lunch, we head back to the hotel room to wait and get ready for the company dinner. Company dinner was fine, the food was WAY better than Ramsay’s. maybe because the price point was free, and there was no reputation to judge. But the portions were huge and flavors so much more cohesive.

After dinner, we went to the Cosmopolitan for a clubbing night. It was HORRIFYING. Insanely crowded and the drinks were criminally overpriced. So we all ended up smushed in a tiny dance floor, completely sober.

We all eventually ubered back to the hotel, where the plan was to just smoke weed in someone’s room and rot the night away. But apparently one lone girl got left behind at the club. None of the girls I was with knew who she was. So I’m frustrated because which one of her actual friends fucking left her behind?

So we’re stuck waiting up for this girl to find her way back to the hotel, and my energy to party was buzzed so hard, all i wanted to do was sleep in my room.

The night is basically another night in the hotel. No socializing or partying with people we knew outside of our friend group.

I’m a little irked with my friends tbh. I understand we’re all introverts and socially anxious, but they themselves complained about being isolated from Baron. It has to be partially on them, doesn’t it? If they actively are not participating in the vibe, if they actively avoid people, how will other Baron people make them feel welcome?

Another thing that bothered me, was that this group of people are INSANELY indecisive or inactive. Like, when it came to actually planning anything, it was on me to decide the plan. Lizzie and Denise would say “we’re down for whatever” or “I don’t care what we do” but when an actual suggestion was given, they clearly had preferences.

I just wish that they were straightforward with their preferences so that we could have an actual discussion about what the plan should be. I wish they were more proactive about what they wanted to happen. I decided to be more laidback about this trip, not planning anything exactly and not being particular about any kind of schedule.

But i think that stressed me out more than it helped. The people pleaser in me wasn’t able to figure if people were happy doing nothing or if they actually wanted to do something. Overall, if i ever hang out with these girls again, i might have to be more aggressive with my planning activities in order for ME to have a good time. If they don’t like it, then they’ll have to learn to speak up. Because it drives me crazy to try and read people. probably because i’m a little autistic guys.

[dieuleveut]

December 10th, 2023

I can't control anyone except myself. My own reactions and actions to things in my life. That's all I can control.

I can't control how people perceive me. I can't control who likes me and doesn't like me. I can't control who respects me. I can't control who talks to who about what. I can't control how happy everyone is.

It is (should be) simple enough. First and foremost, I get to be happy. I am responsible for MY HAPPINESS. Whatever it means. Everyone else is rightfully busy ensuring their own happiness, and I forgot what it means to look after myself.

If Chris wants to play Suicide Boys on repeat til the end of time, that's fine. But I will be ensuring my own happiness (and sanity) one way or another (headphones ALL THE TIME).

Part of me has always wanted to be that grifty loner who doesn't speak to anyone, but the people pleaser in me would never let that happen. If someone wants to talk, I'll talk. I'll open myself up for the opportunity to talk. But lately... I don't want to. I really want to be that grifty loner. It just seems so peaceful. Lonely, but peaceful.

--

This has been a year of trials and tribulations, of figuring out that there are people I can't trust, and words that I can't say. I'm always honest. I hate lying. I hate omitting information. But being myself this year has been met with the some of the most genuine connections, and some of the most hostile encounters I've ever had with people.

Those hostile people are confined to a small specific few: tattoo artists with big egos. Now, that's not to say tattoo artists all have big egos and end up being hostile. But I can say that it's harder for me to differentiate between those who would bat for me versus those who wouldn't bat an eye.

To be safe, it might be best to distance myself from Baron's tattoo artists. Everyone.

[dieuleveut]

December 7.5th, 2023

Let's make this a habit. It might help to get my thoughts out, to feel more organized in my own head.

Today, Matt (different Matt from the previous post. This Matt is Friend Matt) and I had plans to binge Jujutsu Kaisen together. For whatever reason, I was anxious. He was excessively communicative the day before, texting good morning and then asking "how are you doing? I'm bored" later that night. I am scared that he has intentions with me. Like he likes me or wants to be more than friends. And while he's a good guy and easy to talk to and hang out with, I simply. Can't. Have this happen with someone I think of as a friend. It would be another story if he asked me out properly and we started the relationship with those intentions. But I asked him if our vibe was entirely platonic and he agreed that it was. AUGH. But I can't help but be anxious that he's on a different wavelength.

This idea of perception vs reality is really fucking with me. Can I really just pretend and perceive reality as my own way and not be disappointed when my perception doesn't line up? Can I really just convince myself that Matt is my friend and is ONLY my friend and ONLY wants to be my friend?

It doesn't help that he's an overly communicative friend. I might be mistaking what he perceives to be as friendship, to be romantic intention. He texts me a lot and maybe that's normal for his friendships.

A part of it may also be how I'm not terribly used to friends wanting to hang out all the time. Like consistently once a week. Why would anyone want to see me so often if not for ulterior motives? God, that sounds like I have so much trauma with friendships lmao.

Can I just clean out all those bad memories/perceptions to make room for new opportunities?

[dieuleveut]

December 7th, 2023

(Obligatory "it's been a while")

I thought I'd jump back in here to get some thoughts out of my head.

So I changed careers and I'm tattooing now. It's been going great, aside from a few disagreements between myself and some coworkers. It's so odd, considering how I've never had disagreements with other coworkers at other jobs before. I'm inclined to assume it's the industry and not entirely my fault?

Anyway, the current disagreement was between myself and Sydney. I felt as though the way she joked tended to get others to target their jokes at me. I felt like the butt of the joke every time, and it was always in a group setting. I'd been bullied before, at school and occasionally at other jobs, and frankly I wasn't a fan of feeling that feeling again. So I told her and she took it in a very personal way, essentially declaring that she didn't want to have anything to do with me at all. I was taken aback, considering that I had added her to a private groupchat with people I thought were "cool" to spread work gossip with. And that she and I had been to the movies together, just the two of us and had a properly good time.

Whatever. At the end of the day, I'm not going to force anyone to get along with me. And I'm not going to let bullying humor continue at a job that I enjoy.

But tonight I found out that Sydney is in another private groupchat with her, Chris, Jenny and Lizzie. Lizzie says it's where they talk about the shady business happenings with Baron. It took a minute, but the more I processed this, the more upset I got. I couldn't really explain it either, other than "huh, that's weird. Why would there be a groupchat like that without me."

So I'm back here, attempting to verbalize and organize my feelings into understandable thoughts and logic.

I always hated being excluded. I think especially by people I consider close to me. Like when Catherine, Dominique and Tina went to Tanner's Orchard without me, and continued to reference that hangout like I was there. Or when Shannon says she meets up with Aaron like once a week. I'm friends with Aaron too, so why not make it a trio hang?

It's perception. Maybe being excluded feels like I'm not important, or I'm not as close to these people as I thought I was. This is something I'm still sort of dealing with--perceiving friendships to be stronger than they actually are. What if I think someone is a close friend, and in actuality, to them, I'm just an acquaintance? That shit hurts.

It's importance. Do you not care if I'm there or not? Do you not care if I have any input on the matter? So then, what am I here for? Why are we friends? If you didn't care to say "hey let's make sure we include Juliet" then how much do I really matter to you?

It's also a bit of . . . everything Sydney says is shit I've already said (when it comes to the illegal/shady business practices of our tattoo shop). But for some reason, when she says it, people listen. That probably is a combination of perception and importance.

It's control. Maybe I want to control who my friends are friends with. I want to control how my friends perceive me. It's not good, but it's the anxiety. I don't want to lose what is good to me.

Logically though, I can't control any of this. I can't control how people perceive me, or how important I am to others, or any of this really. At the end of the day, I know what I know is right. I know that what I'm doing is smart and logical and thought-out. If others don't listen to me or value my opinion, that's on them. Not me, to convince them.

I know that I want out of Baron. I know how to do it. To get around their restrictions, I have to slowly integrate my clientele from the Baron account to my main account. First by posting flash on my main account. Then when I'm ready, transition tattoos over to my main account and start my own studio. I'm not working for anyone else except myself. And frankly, I'm flying under my own radar. If no one values my opinion or thinks I'm smart, they won't see me coming.

I'm plottin' I'm schemin' and no sees it happenin'

--

Re-read some old posts, and I thought it'd be nice to just talk about my day. Minus the emo/sad thoughts. Even if it's menial, it's just nice to talk about my day.

I woke up around 9:30am, feeling super sluggish. Maybe it was the edible from the night before. I saw a text from Lizzie asking if we should visit Max. I ignored it and went back to sleep til about 1pm.

I woke up again feeling guilty having left Lizzie on read (knowing it's something she would be anxious about) so I responded saying that I would be skipping dinner plans and coming over later in the night.

Dragged myself out of bed, made a coffee and finished binging the Inhumans tv show. Review: it was fine, it felt like they were really trying to do some Game of Thrones politics with a royal family of moon-living Inhumans. The characters were so bland and there wasn't really anyone worth cheering for. Overall it felt like a CW show (which is both an insult and a compliment for its entertainment value).

I drew for a bit, finished the Frieren flash that's been sitting in my drafts for weeks. Now I'm gonna finish the Wriothesley flash that's been sitting in my drafts for... weeks.

I moved Quan's tree into the empty space in the living room--I'm SO happy we cleared out all the boxes and random shit from that space. i hate hate hate a home that constantly feels like it's in between "moving in."

Went over to Lizzie's, we chatted a bit about work (hence the anxiety-inducing realization that I do in fact get excluded from chats with people that I do and don't get along with). Brian (her husband) and Damian (their roommate) join us to play Overcooked and Mario Party mini-games. The guys are hilarious to be around, very good jokes overall. Lizzie... I can't say for sure, but I wonder if she gets anxious around them? She's very quiet and not as rambunctious as the other two. I wonder if this is how she usually is with them, or if there's anything I should be doing to help her feel more comfortable.

I'm pretty sure Damian has a crush on me. It sounds so egotistical to say but he's very touchy and is always saying positive things about/to me. Maybe it's just who he is with everyone, but it's a bit off-putting having hung out with him only twice and he's already so affectionate.

Overall a fun night tho! Minus the soul-shattering realization that no one values my opinion, tonight was a fun night :)

[dieuleveut]

March 4th, 2021

"Why don’t you want to hang out with them anymore?” 

We don’t have anything in common. 

“Why don’t you want to hang out with them anymore?” 

I’ve lost respect for them, going out like they did before the pandemic. They’re selfish.

“Why don’t you want to hang out with them anymore?” 

They don’t care about me. If they did, they would reach out more than just to party, smoke, and drink. I want friends that care more about intimate conversations and connecting with one another in more ways than big events. It’s the little gestures that count.

[dieuleveut]

February 28th, 2021

Every yearly goal I’ve ever set for myself has been tangibly achievable. Read two books. Go rock climbing. Visit the Huntington Gardens. So I thought that if I could apply that same logic, that same reduction to a bucket list line item, that I could achieve something so obscure as “falling in love.”

That was my goal this year. To fall in love. 

I’m convinced that my time in Los Angeles has felt like a complete blur because I haven’t applied any strong emotions to this city. It hasn’t taken me on a whimsical adventure with a worthwhile person. And I wanted that to change. 

I’m getting very big picture with this so I’ll just skip ahead to the details of why I’m writing today. 

Alex. We’ve been going on a handful of dates over the course of a couple of months and all in all, it’s going well. I wouldn’t continue seeing him if I didn’t think it was. But a handful of dates is more than I usually do and it is about this point that I feel like I need to feel.... concrete. Yes keep going? No stop? Yes you like him? No you don’t? And I. Don’t. Know. 

You could put a bullet to my head and ask me if I felt strongly one way or another and I could not answer you. I don’t know and it’s been frustrating me. 

I thought that taking it slow physically would help me figure it out. It was the right play for a short while, but I got the better of myself and we ended up sleeping together anyway (just once). And I felt... strange. 

I’m worried that the year I spent with Jun, the months I spent with Jarrett... fucked me up in a way... I’m.. afraid of sex now. I was someone who really enjoyed it before and didn’t really care who satisfied the need. But after them... I worry that there were times we had sex when I didn’t really want to. When they did a lot of convincing. And I just gave in. I can’t play 100% the victim though... I do/did want it at times. But I worry that it affected our relationships. That starting those relationships with sex meant that was the foundation of that relationship. And I don’t want that again. I want to start relationships with ... trust. Communication. Fun. 

Tonight, Alex and I were supposed to watch a movie and “boink” (both of our words for it, sorry we’re fucking weird lol) and that really ... put me off. I was worried again. That we were just hanging out to have sex. So I told him I was too tired when he invited me to his bedroom. And I apologized when he walked me back to my car. 

And now... he texted me, saying “I really just enjoy hanging out with you, I don’t want you to think otherwise.” 

And I ... am fucking crying. Writing this now, I broke the fucking code of why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. I needed that text from him. That was the last bit of the puzzle and it all makes sense. 

I felt put off because I didn’t want him to like me in a way that benefited him sexually. Because that’s how the previous two relationships started and it just felt so fucking gross to me. But hearing that from him, knowing that he’s just into me because of hanging out with me??? Completely blows my mind, and I am just so happy to hear that. 

I do like him. I am incredibly hesitant, but I think I do.

[dieuleveut]

An Anthology of Memory

He disappeared into the kitchen, leaving me with the company of a dark room softly lit by the Spotify playing on his TV. 

Sometimes he would let me play my music instead of his oddly somber stuff. And he liked what I played, when every genre I listened to included “pop” somewhere in its style. 

There I was, none the wiser // Both of us, different Trajectories //  Who’d have thought, we’d be right here in this spot // Timing is everything

I hardly noticed I had started singing along. I don’t do it often, for fear of ridicule of my voice. But I felt safe. My bare legs swinging to the beat, kicking air. Matt’s shirt consuming me. Matt in the kitchen, bringing back snacks and water. Taking care of me. So I just sang anyway because I had nothing to worry about. 

It wasn’t until the song finished that Matt revealed he’d been listening the whole time, relishing the sound of my voice and the meaning of those lyrics. 

We laughed and he poked fun at how embarrassed I was, but deep down we both knew how that moment seeded a poison in us. It was hardly noticeable at the time, but those words “timing is everything” stung deep and would continue to spread. 

[dieuleveut]

January 13th, 2021

Happy New Year! 

Never mind that years aren’t anything more than a human construct designed to remind us that time is passing and after a certain amount of time passes, we die so we better use that time well. NO PRESSURE.

How did I use the last year?

There’s a lot of forgiveness to be given for the last year, in case anyone is holding some kind of bar for how well a year is used. 

My dad had a stroke in March 2020, quickly followed by COVID that sent my entire office to work from home. While I’ve been relatively fortunate given the circumstances, this whole last year was some kind of catalyst for me (for everyone). You strip away the parties, the drinking, the mindless spending on mindless food, the dating and casual sex from an Angeleno, and she’s left with just... herself. So she has to deal with that sudden influx of alone time and what she does with it. How her own thoughts are louder when they’re not hidden under all the other distractions. Does she like how they sound? Are they good company?

Luckily, I have had minimal issues with spending time with myself. My most enjoyed hobbies were heavily introverted anyway: video games, drawing, jigsaw puzzles. I thought I was set. No obligations to attend every birthday party? No anxiety about canceling on some plans because I would rather curl up and watch TV? It was a dream.

Now that it’s 2021, I realize I have spent the entire last year working on and spending time with myself. And again, there’s forgiveness to be had for 2020; it was a tough year and we did the best we could with it. I’m not beating myself up for being selfish. In 2018 and 2019, I spent a lot of time being a people pleaser. I wore many different masks: a work mask, a dating mask, a party mask, a girlfriend mask. I needed 2020 to be a selfish year and I’m happy that I got it. 

However, being myself also meant I didn’t have to cater to anyone anymore and once I stopped stroking egos, I saw who was only a part of my life because of that. And in Los Angeles, that’s a lot of people. So I’m a bit lonely, but I now know who is worth keeping in my life and that’s knowledge worth having.

How will I use the following year? 

I’m going to keep being selfish, but I also recognize that I am lonely, and that my memories are formed from deep emotional connections. Without much emotional connection, the time that passes me by isn’t worth/easy to remember. 

I want to remember my time. So I’ve made the resolution to fall in love this year. I know it sounds like I’m reducing love to a checklist item right after “Visit the National History Museum” as if it’s the same level of thing, but I think I need this. To treat it like that same level of thing in order to achieve it. It’s not some big grandiose fleeting chance by some fated meet-cute. 

You have to put in effort, you have to take the right steps and most importantly, you have to step out of your comfort zone and be brave. 

That’s what I’m going to do this year. 

[dieuleveut]

November 20th, 2020

I don’t really have anyone to talk to right now, so I’ve taken to talking to you (myself). 

How was your day? 

Same old, same old. I’m a little worried about retroactive finance since I haven’t been very good at keeping records of the past six months of spending (COVID makes things hard to track lol). Plus I just learned that I shouldn’t be buying corporate things in Vancouver if I’m in LA. But there’s no AmEx card for our Vancouver team right now, and I’m the only one with buying power. So how am I supposed to buy things in Canada? 

I’ve been running rounds lately, which is just gathering time for departments to show their work off in review. I was (like I am about most things) nervous to get started on it, but now that I’ve been doing it for a few days, it’s pretty easy and straightforward. Plus it keeps me involved in rounds which is good - I like feeling involved. As a POC who really only works with finance, calendar and crewing, I hate feeling left outside of the pipeline. So it’s a nice change of pace. I will miss opting out of an hour of work each day though, haha. I’d usually play video games or go do errands during rounds. 

Nick is... weird. Not weird. Just, I’m confused about how I feel about him now. He’s been texting me but I am not sure if he really actually wants to talk to me or just wants me to validate his existence. We only talk about him, or our fun night in October. It was fun, but idk... I’d like him to ask me about my day sometimes. I ranted to him yesterday about my failed cooking attempt and he just never responded. Ok... I guess he’s not the one I should be sending my sexy photos to. He doesn’t deserve it haha. 

I have a date on Tuesday! Reminder to self to actually confirm with the guy lol. I saw a preview of his message and I’m excited but actually opening the message and committing to the date is another thing. Am I ready? I’m extremely bored and could use something new in my life. I’ve been feeling pretty chubby lately but another reminder to self: a guy who is taller than you never sees your double chin due to the angle. Unless he’s eating you out. But by then, he’s already there ;) 

I’m pretty over the friendship with the Colleen/Will/Sarah/Kasey group. Every time I hang out with them, I feel so invisible. Like why am I here? I just don’t feel heard or seen, and we don’t have anything in common so. It’s just hard to pull away from that friendship especially since I’m living with Selena. 

Catherine and I haven’t spoken much in a very long time. She started a new job and her hours are... confusing to say the least. She basically works third shift and sleeps the entire day so gone are the times of me calling her out of the blue. And she doesn’t call me ever so we just don’t talk. Recently she got exposed to COVID and has been quarantining so I’m surprised she hasn’t been more responsive or reached out more. Plus... I think we’ve just ended up on completely different wavelengths. And that’s okay. It’s just sad. 

I called my dad yesterday too. Mommy keeps telling me to call him, that he likes it when I do (but he’ll never call me, y’know). So I did, and the conversation was kinda awkward. I didn’t know what to talk about. Neither did he. It almost got a little heated when I brought up the election. I should’ve known better haha. 

I got a volleyball! I’ve been practicing passing and setting. I’ve only studied up on passing forearm form, but with setting I’ve been digging a bit deeper since I am much less familiar with it. I’m awful haha. I can pass and aim pretty well but my setting aim is.. far from satisfactory. But it’s fun to practice! I feel like Hinata from middle school. Soon, I’ll become the Tiny Giant >:) 

My writing has slowed down a little. I had a goal to finish my edits before December but I’m definitely not meeting that goal now. That’s ok! I’ll get to a little bit of it tonight. I’m in the middle of a sequence right now and I want to at least finish that. I just really want to get to concept art and storyboarding already. I have the visuals so ingrained in my head that I just need to see them out loud. I did this one of Birdie and Ben at the aquarium and I’m just in love with the colors. 

Wow. 

This was actually really helpful. I NEVER get to talk about this with anyone... So whenever someone actually asks me how my day was (should anyone actually ask), I have no idea what to say. 

My boredom was just some kind of internalized, repressed energy. I was unable to express myself and here I can. Thank you. Talk to you later.

[dieuleveut]

October 31st, 2020

Earlier in February, Colleen and I went to Vegas to celebrate her friend Joanne’s birthday. There, I met and clicked with Joanne’s friend Nick. We connected instantly and spent the weekend flirting and touching and cuddling and kissing. Unfortunately, as the weekend came to a close, I found out that Nick lives in Portland. There wasn’t any chance we could pursue anything beyond “fun night in Vegas.”

This past Monday (nearly 8 months later), I get a text from Nick letting me know he was in town and that we should meet up for a drink. We start persistently texting (and sexting) all week. I’m excited to perhaps finally finish what we started back in February, when he tells me there might not be that opportunity since he’s staying with friends and family. I was a bit disappointed, until he throws the idea out there of maybe changing his flight and booking a hotel for us on Friday.

Now, I’m not used to this. I don’t have people doing things like that for me. I imagine it’s inconvenient, expensive, troublesome. But he reassures me it’s absolutely none of that. 

-

Wednesday, we get drinks with a group of friends. The restaurant kind of sucked, in that they did not allow our group to sit together. So Nick and I were separated, despite all our big talk about goofing around under the table. Almost disappointing, until after dinner we all head somewhere else for drinks and Selena (bless her wingwoman soul) says, “should we shake up the tables?” and makes sure Nick and I are sitting together. 

Then Nick takes his hand to my leg and up my skirt, gripping my thigh. This is exactly what I needed. 

The rest of Wednesday night went swimmingly. Nick lent me his jacket since I was a clown and didn’t bring one. Long Beach is not surprisingly cold, being near the ocean and all. 

- 

Friday comes around. Nick booked a hotel, picked a gorgeous restaurant. I’m freaking out because again, I’m not used to this. Being treated well, wined and dined, no expectation from me other than to look nice and have a good time. 

I meet him at the hotel and to my horror (at myself), Nick is wearing very fine, normal clothes. Meanwhile, I’m wearing a leather jacket, sleeveless turtleneck, pencil skirt, black tights and pointed heels. I feel like a hooker. Like a Pretty Woman. 

“You look. Stunning,” he says. Genuinely stunned. Okay, maybe I’m overthinking it. 

When we make it up to the hotel room to drop off my stuff, I am floored by how nice it is. It’s really not that nice, but it’s top floor, it’s our own private room with a huge king bed. I’m. Not. Used. To. This. He bought this for me. For us. 

Dinner was nothing short of incredible. Even though we had gone out to eat earlier on Wednesday, the separated seating really reinforced the COVIDness of the situation. Meanwhile here, it was... the most normal I have ever felt in the past year. Surrounded by other happy diners, with a really cute, sweet guy who keeps complimenting me, eating food served on real plates (and not paper or plasticware)... Incredible. A real fucking date. A DATE. 

It was so nice, pretending to be dating someone. Holding hands with someone. Doing cute kisses on the street, with and without masks on. 

When we get back to the hotel room, it’s like the flame of long awaited anticipation bursts into an unstoppable wildfire. He throws me back onto the bed, pulls me close to him. We kiss like we’ve been craving each other for months. He quickly pulls off my clothes, trails down to my tights and my panties and just like he promised, made up for Vegas. 

Because we didn’t have much alone time back then, we made out in a dark bathroom after everyone fell asleep and I went down on him and that was it. This time, he returned the favor. With his tongue, his fingers (my god, his fingers). After losing count of how many times I came, he finally laid on his back and it was my turn. And I cannot believe I forgot how beautiful his cock was. The angle, the girth, a handsome head. And so, so hard. 

I go down on him, but he’s impatient. He grips my hair tight and forces himself down my throat, holding me there until I can’t breathe anymore. He even takes his thighs and squeezes my head between with no escape for me. I love this. I really do, the animalistic, the raw disregard for me and focusing only on his desire. I could do it forever, if I weren’t always worried about my slightly dislocated jaw. God, fuck my jaw for taking the pleasure of violent blowjobs for me. 

And when he finally puts his cock inside me, holy hell. I mentioned earlier that it curves at the perfect angle, in towards my G-spot. Again, lost count of how many times I came with just him fucking me. If I could just keep him in there at all times, I would be so happy.

This... sexual bliss was exactly what we both anticipated after so long. He came twice, once down my throat and once on my face. My favorite place is usually inside of me (I love to feel a cock pulse inside my pussy and fill me up), but alas no birth control? No inside jazz. 

I’m completely spent at this point and Nick scoots up the bed and says, “come cuddle!” And we just fit... so well. No matter what position, cuddling was always incredibly comfortable. Safe. Warm. He lightly traces his fingers along my skin, just like I like. It’s delicate and loving. 

We stay up for a bit just like this. Talking and cuddling. I might’ve divulged a bit more than I should have about myself, about exes and experiences. This evening was just so special and important to me, and I wanted him to know that. 

I don’t think I’m exaggerating or forgetting when I say, no one has ever done something like this for me before. From beginning to end. From changing a flight (for me) to booking a hotel (for me) to picking a restaurant to literally blowing my mind with intense sex that he stressed was more about pleasing me. And this kind of attention and treatment is something that I am still processing as I write this. 

We fell asleep sometime around 2:00am and Nick woke up three hours later to catch his flight back to Portland. He’s rushing between the bathroom and packing while I’m half awake wishing he would stay. 

“Alright, beautiful,” he finally says. 

“No...” 

“I know.” 

We thank each other for the incredible night, parting with one long, last kiss. He tastes like fresh toothpaste, and I try not to breathe morning breath into him. We break and he makes his way to the door.

“I’ll see you... soon.” I say. 

And with that, he’s gone. I’m alone, and not just in this hotel room. I feel alone alone. 

That’s what I’m trying to process right now. This year has been such a whirlwind for me. With COVID and quarantine, I have spent more time with myself than I ever expected to. Some days, it feels very good. I like spending time with myself and indulging in what makes me happy. But some days, it’s very quiet. There is such a thing as too quiet. 

Nick showing up in LA unexpectedly was the most amazing thing to happen to me. Sweeping me off my feet, like I always dreamed about when I used to be a hopeless romantic. Telling me how pretty, beautiful, sexy I am, how nice I smell and how nervous he was to do this too. I have felt so invisible lately, that I almost forgot how wonderful it feels to feel... seen. 

Now, I’m coming to terms with how most great connections in my life are so fleeting. I’m trying to take this fact of life as something positive. Nothing is consistent but that shouldn’t discourage me from having those encounters. I shouldn’t be afraid of letting people get close or letting people go. 

Enjoy the beautiful moments while you have them. They’re not meant to last forever but they can always stay in your heart and your memories. 

And as long as you write them down so you never forget, those memories will never disappear.

[dieuleveut]

Sept 15th, 2020

Someone chose me :) It’s not serious and far from it, but I opened up the choice for someone to choose to pursue something romantic with me and he said ‘yes, let’s do it.” And that is enough for me right now. 

I’m just happy I can listen to happy songs and feel something again.

[dieuleveut]

Sept 9th, 2020

I realize I don’t really like listening to my roommate because when she tells me news, she doesn’t want my reaction specifically. She wants as many reactions as possible. After she tells me something, she’ll go and tell literally everyone she knows. If you tell me news, I kind of want it to be because you want ME to know. You know I would want to hear about it and you want to see my specific reaction to it. 

But if it’s something you’re gonna go get reaction out of everyone about? You don’t need me. And thus I don’t need to dedicate energy to it. 

[dieuleveut]

August 17th, 2020

I’m having a pretty rough day today. 

This past weekend, I went on a roadtrip with Colleen, Selena, and Will. We did the SoCal challenge, which is essentially visiting the beach, the mountains and the desert all in one day. And while the trip itself was breathtaking and beautiful... I can’t help but feel like I was never really there. 

I feel minimally acknowledged, as if I was only there to chauffeur everyone and laugh at their jokes or appeal to their emotions. I don’t feel like I was truly... present. Just another extra. 

What really locked in that feeling was when Selena said that she wanted to go paddleboarding once we got back to LA. Everyone was excited, and when it came to deciding when to go... they decided on today. A day that I have to work. Instead of trying to find a time that worked for everyone, it was much more preferred and convenient to simply just... exclude me. 

I’ve been here before. Plenty of times. And each time only reaffirms to me that I am better off enjoying experiences alone than to reach out and try to find some kind of relationship with a group of friends. It’s honestly never worked out for me. I connect with people on a 1:1 level but beyond that? I’m not sure. I just haven’t found the right circle and at this point, it’s just tiring to keep trying and keep getting disappointed. 

So I reached out to who I know loves me and wants to talk to me. I called Catherine. I texted Zach. I texted my sisters. And today, Sarah dropped by after getting an oil change nearby and we were able to have actual face time together, which helped cure my loneliness immensely. 

Also, my birthday is coming up. And I am so mad that every year I dread it more and more. I love my birthday, regarding the acknowledgement of how far I’ve come and how much I have experienced and just being thankful for that. But every year it also means I need to acknowledge the people I’ve connected with, the journeys we’ve been on. And that... that is harder to face. 

I keep thinking that I have made such connections but lately I haven’t been sure. Ever since I moved out to LA, it’s been spotty. I connect deep with someone just to never talk to them once we’re out of sight. And the people I do see more often (Selena, Will, Colleen) don’t really feel like they actually want to be around me. Maybe they want me around as their cheerleader, decoration, I don’t know. But I can tell the connection isn’t genuine, because they haven’t really taken much time to really get to know me. And that’s fine, I understand it’s a lot of work. I’m just disappointed that it’s not work they’re willing to do. 

But ok, birthday. I spent hours last night coming up with a plan. I’m going to fly to Denver, get an Airbnb in the mountains and just... chill. I want to hike, kayak, check out a brewery, and most of all, isolated hot tub hang in the woods. It sounds like an absolute dream to me. Now I’m in a conundrum of who I should take with me, if anyone at all. Part of me is, again, scared of that vulnerability of reaching out to see who will accept and who will reject. This is also more than any particular invitation, it’s my birthday. It’s essentially “ME.” If someone tells me “Sorry I can’t it’s too expensive/too soon/too late/I can’t take off work” then all I will hear is that my birthday is not important enough to compromise an excuse. I really can’t handle that. 

Regardless, I reached out. To my sisters, they are incredibly down. Catherine even said she would go, if only to make sure I’m not murdered by woodsy serial killers. I also reached out to Zach (he was my initial option, also because he’s usually the most open to any plan) but I got confirmation from Catherine and my sisters first so I’m not 100% sure if I want to invite him just yet. 

However, I got the time off of work. I’m going to buy the flight and book the Airbnb. No matter who can or cannot make it, I will go. This is what I want for my birthday.

[dieuleveut]

August 2nd, 2020

I had a really fun day with Colleen today! 

We were supposed to go hiking in Altadena, but the parking situation was absolutely awful and we decided to find somewhere else to hike when her car started acting/sounding funky. So we drove back to LA (45mins each way) and took her car to a shop. She didn’t want to wait since she was driving 3 hours to San Diego the next day. 

Before we drove back though, I had to piss like a racehorse so we found the nearest grocery store to use the restroom and I copped this cute white cap that says “Feminist” with flowers! For $3.50!

While we waited for the mechanic, we walked to nearby Thai restaurant (delicious) to kill time. We didn’t kill enough because when we walked back to the mechanic, he hadn’t even started. So we sat on the curb nearby and... played games. We played MASH, we played hangman, we even reignited Concentration 64 (if you know, you know). Overall, just a really wholesome bonding moment, a good day. 

(Kevin hasn’t texted me in over a week, so he’s irrelevant to the story now. Apologies for the previous unnecessarily melodramatic post.)

Keeping good days here.

[dieuleveut]

July 19th, 2020

This is a reminder to myself. I don’t need to rush into feelings and dreams about a serious significant other. I have plans. I want to move to Vancouver in a few years and starting anything serious in LA is just a recipe for heartbreak. 

I am thriving as a single person. I can focus on myself, on working out and eating healthy, on improving my artwork and writing the stories I want to write. The kind of mindset I get into when I start thinking about a relationship... is toxic. It becomes who I am, day and night, and that’s not what I want for myself. Not while I’m here in LA. 

Sleeping with Kevin is simply just supposed to be that. He’s a very nice guy, incredibly considerate and in another time or another world or to someone else-- a potentially good partner. He seems like someone who is put together and I like that a lot about him. But I need to pull myself together first. There’s a lot I want to work on and a lot that I need to improve on before I can even consider starting anything serious again. This is just supposed to be fun, casual and satisfying when need be. If it is no longer that, it will no longer be. 

[dieuleveut]

July 5th, 2020

I’m actually... pretty content now. Like I think I’m happy. I don’t feel a need to need anything anymore. Now I’m just doing things because I want to do them, they feel nice to do, instead of trying to fill up some endless void. 

It’s nice. Even with relationships, I think it’d be nice to have a FWB situation set up, but I value my own time so much that I don’t feel in a huge rush to search for a serious significant other. That said, trying to find something casual in a city literally plagued with fuckboys will definitely still be a challenge. But it helps that I know what I want, for now. 

With my ex thoughts - Howard recommended that I actively choose to say “STOP” any time those thoughts about Matt would arise. They’re not productive, if anything they’re hindering any real possibility for new love in my present and future. This “stop” method has been working, and I feel a lot more clearheaded knowing that I haven’t been seeping in Matt thoughts as often as I used to. 

Papa and I are also on good terms. My parents and I had a little spat before I flew home to see them for a couple weeks. There’s been a lot of tension in the family regarding the protests about black lives, defunding the police, all the general public fear. We didn’t talk about it most of the time I was home, but Papa took me aside on my last night before I had to fly back and sat me down just to give me his perspective of the story as a recently retired police officer... and as someone who lost his teenage years to Khmer Rouge terror. At the end of it all, I still don’t personally agree with Mommy and Papa’s anti-compassion views and I think it’s selfish, but I understand why they prefer to stay out of anyone else’s business. Pains me to say, but I understand it. 

I got my nails done for the first time. Still trying to get used to them... I’m generally not too interested in cosmetic stuff like nails or getting my hair done but I figured why not? I feel pretty :D but it’s also hard to type, text... open cans, scratch scratches satisfactorily... but I feel pretty haha. I golfed yesterday with Will and with these nails I did a pretty darn good job (for a beginner. That stuff was like “normal people get these holes in 3 hits.” I probably averaged around 8-10 lol). 

But yeah. Overall I’m good. Things are good. I just started my promotion on Spiderverse 2 and I’m very excited to be taking on a bigger role at Sony. My career is falling in place, my family is whole, I am loved by my friends. All that’s really missing is sex/physical intimacy and frankly, it’s so low on the list of important things I need in my life. It’s also the easiest thing to find in LA, so I’m not worried.

I’m just logging all these here because I don’t really share my happiness enough, and logging positive experiences is important too <3

[dieuleveut]

May 15th, 2020

Is it wrong that I’m still stuck on an ex-boyfriend from almost three years ago? Am I just romanticizing the person I used to love more heavily with each passing year? Have I completely forgotten all the shitty things about him (were there any shitty things?) 

Whether or not it’s wrong, I can’t stop. 

I can’t stop reminiscing about this boy who loved me wholeheartedly, who never failed to let me know how lucky he was to be with me. I can’t stop missing our compatible dorkiness, how he was open to what I loved (whether it be Korean pop music or Korean dramas, he’d fucking watch it/listen to it with me) and how I was open to what he loved (his beautiful emo music and his weird animated television shows). He got me in ways no one has ever since gotten me.

I can’t stop fantasizing about the day he finds me in LA, tells me we were meant to be together and he has never forgotten about me, not a single fucking day since I left town. He comes knocking at my door--miraculously found my address--takes me in his arms and never, ever fucking lets go. 

But there is not a sliver of hope in this fantasy. No chance. I can say that with 100% absolute certainty. 

So I just want to say, ever so briefly and not to upset any higher powers that may have granted me so many other fortunate situations in my life, to the universe: 

“Fuck you. Fuck you for taking away my soulmate. Fuck you for showing me the greatest love I’ve ever known, snatching it away and telling me, ‘No, not in this lifetime.’ Fuck you.”