#i cannot be expected to process this kind of emotion on a monday night

[user-needs-new-hyperfixation]

I don’t even care that I’ve somewhat spoiled myself, I have watched the Hualian Love Like You video and I am dead.

[septembermorningbells]

personal life rant under the cut sorry the quickest therapy appointment i could get was monday

okay this is fundamentally so unserious. but it has been driving me absolutely bonkers and i cannot really tell my friends about it without also driving THEM crazy also its juvenile but. here.

ok so quick lore update the girl who made me realize I was gay is one of my best friends and i met her when she directed a play i was in freshman year. this is important. realized my feelings sophmore spring and I eventually told her how I felt the fall of my junior year, when i was in another one of her plays, and she kind of flipped out bc she was studying abroad that next semester and I don't think she was in an emotional places to process everything. it was very unclear whether she actually returned my feelings and she never told me but it was a resounding 'lets just be friends!!!' regardless. after we fought for a month 🤪

ANYWAYS the next semester she goes abroad and we continue texting like every day but i eventually kind of get over it and i still love her but it transitions a bit. She comes back and we are closer than ever in the fall, we do so many things together and basically keep developing our already very close friendship.

now it's senior spring. she applied for a grant that would take her to grad school in england and of course I assumed she would get it bc she is like fantastically talented. i have briefly dated other people in the period in between but nothing really worked out and so i just resign myself to the fate of just hanging out with my friends and actually looking for love ugh when I move in september. but also at this point i know im kind of still in love with her so i was like 'enjoy this time with her because its our last semester in college and we are never getting this time back etc' and even though i want her in my life forever i knew it would be SO hard to see her go and move to another country for a while and maybe date other people. so i figured she would move and i would cry and be torn up but i would get over it. also, in the meantime, I have been entering into a bit of a flirtation with a girl we have both known for a long time (who is lovely) basically as a distraction but we both knew that it was NOT serious.

also for context: the friend is directing ANOTHER play right now that both me and flirtation girl are in. we are playing love interests.

so last wednesday she found out she didn't get the grant. me and our very good mutual friend (calling her X she will play a role later, she is also very very close with the girl lol) are SHOCKED. this means she will likely be with us on the east coast of the US with us. the following night, I go to a party with X, our friends, and the girl i have been flirting with. She makes a move on me at the party, which i wasn't quite expecting bc the play is ongoing and I am worried about making rehearsal awkward but i was like 'ok fuck it i guess isnt this what i set up i made my bed'

THEN X pulls me aside and is like 'grace wtf are you doing' and i said 'you literally knew about this and its not serious, why are you mad' and X says 'grace, she's not going to england', basically implying something about my friend and me. naturally, I freak out. I blow off the flirtation friend and basically spiral for the rest of the night and weekend. I eventually make X talk to me bc WTF

okay so the entire problem is that X can't say too much without compromising my friend which is fair. but basically X validated YEARS worth of feelings that me and my friend do not have a normal relationship, we have basically been dating for who knows how long, and heavily implied that after she found out i made out with the girl at the party she was jealous. after year(s?) of repressing my feelings this revelation obviously made me insane. BUT X was like 'you guys need to talk but you should probably wait until the play is over to do it' which is in THREE WEEKS. she said it maybe wasn't necessary but she obviously can't say too much to me and I feel bad putting her in this position but also WHAT. WHAT.

okay so. I feel like there's been a chip made in the side of the hoover dam of my fucking repression and i am having such crazy feelings and I can't really express them. I know my friend would probably prefer that we wait bc she takes her shows very very seriously (something i love about her!! so much!!!) but also we graduate in a month and i don't know if i can just not talk about what's going on for that long. also there is a fair chance we talk and we still have to just be friends which would kind of murder me (oh context her mother is like very homophobic and until this year she has been SO wary of relationships which i thought was permanent lol until X told me many repeated times that 'now it is different' WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN) but i would almost want to get that over with now????????? jesus christ.

to make things worse we are, as i stated before, graduating and so emotions are just running very high in general. we need to have this talk but I also want to have it at the right moment so things don't go to shit. but i have had a very hard time concentrating on anything. will be back to buisness soon but until then. jesus christ. just pray for me at this point idk what else to say

[kimberly-spirits13]

Right Hand Man (Loyal to the End) Pt. 1

Pairing: Damian Wayne x reader

Synopsis: You were like Talia’s daughter. The only thing was that you weren’t and instead, you had grown up in the foster care system and at a young age were taken by and personally trained by Talia. Along the way, you meet Damian and the two of you start to work side by side and eventually, after some time become closer and closer. However, when disaster in the league strikes, you face balancing an old, forgotten life as a normal child and the burden of right hand to the demon heir.

Note: I know that this is long and that there are a good number of time skips, but I didn’t want to make this into a series and just wanted it as a long fic because .... well because I can lol

Also, I didn’t want to have Damian so young in this so just go with it. I’m thinking maybe early 15 or almost 16 at the most. Idk I just don’t like writing for young Dami.

Warnings: mentions of murder, blood, brief mentions of torture but not for long

Word Count: 2393

        Growing up was a lot different for you than anyone else. For the first part of your life, you grew up in a perfect little family with a stable living condition and happy atmosphere. What happened later was easy to explain in all theory. There was a drunk driver and it didn’t end to well for your parents. With no remaining family, you were thrown into the foster care system and rotated around homes until finally one day, a strange woman came in with a smiley demeanor and was walking around the orphanage that you were in looking around when her eyes landed on you. You stared before she approached you. During your time in the system, you met tons of different people. Most were good, but some were bad. Those bad people had two different personalities around different people and you recognized it easily. This time however, it was different. You knew she was bad, but not anything that you were really scared of.

        “You’re not who you say you are.” You whispered to her softly.

        She smiled in a way telling you were right. A few months after that encounter, she came back again. This time however, you were going with her. She took you to a hotel room after a short and quiet drive. That was when she finally started talking.

        “My name is Talia, you will address me as such.” She said, “I’m going to take you to a place far away from here where you will train to become one of the most lethal of your kind.” “I expect only obedience. If I do not get this, you will be punished. Now, do you understand?”

        “Yes Talia.” You replied carefully.

        “What is your preferred name?” Talia asked.

“Y/N.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        From then on, you were trained and taught with the best tutors alive. Not that they wanted to without a bit of persuasion and after your lessons, along with Damian’s, Talia’s birth son, they mysteriously disappeared. You knew what happened to them however. It was pretty easy to guess even for the most stupid person. Besides, you had to kill one yourself in the past.

        You were a quiet person and took well to Talia. She saw you as one of her own. That was high praise coming from someone who wouldn’t hesitate to kill anyone at a wrong glance. Your training came from her and only the top members of the League. Anyone else was seen as too easy or below even your own level of skill. That’s how it always was. You always avoided too much conversation with Damian when you were young and merely tolerated him for the most part. You saw him as a begrudging equal in power and standing. You were liked more secretly since you weren’t one to be overly proud or bold in talking about where you stood. In fact, the most you did was command and fight. You saw no point in boasting on positions of power. It was a useless waste of time and a means to get yourself killed.

        On days you got time off, even if It was for a few minutes, you were always found in the quietest parts of the base. Whether that was your room or any kind of gardens, you would be found there. Talia always knew where you were because of this.

        “I expect you are prepared for the next mission Y/N?” She asked walking to you one morning after training.

        “As always Talia.” You said standing to greet her.

        She sat down with you for only a little bit and the conversation was brief.

        “I’ve noticed you’ve been lost in thought recently.” She noted, “What matter is this over?”

        You were shocked. It wasn’t everyday Talia showed any kind of emotion like this. Maybe tiny, tiny gestures after successful missions that you had led, but not much other than that.

        “I’ve just been thinking of the success of my upcoming mission. I need to know that these certain recruits are not going to jeopardize the mission. While they aren’t new, I have an instinct they will prove unfit for this kind of work.”

        “I understand. Measures will be taken if they prove useless.” Talia assured, “All concerns aside, you are needed prepared and ready. If not, the roll of leader will be given elsewhere.”  

        “You should not concern yourself with me, I will be fully capable of leading a squad myself.” You stood, “it is time for me to leave however.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        The mission was going fine until now. You were right about the recruits. When they messed up, you immediately jumped into action killing who they missed. In this process, you were drenched in rain water and blood. No one had ever seen you this furious. This is why you were leader, you were the only one that knew what to do in times of stress and how to punish those who wronged the goal of the missions.

        “You fools!” You shouted in the ship, “You had the perfect chance and did not take it! Your assignments were simple for a reason and you almost jeopardized the entire assignment over a bit of rain!” “I have finished missions nearly dead and you incompetent idiots couldn’t kill four people.” “When we get back to the base, you should be expecting punishment accordingly.”

        The rest of the ride was dead silent but for your second in command and yourself discussing matters of the mission in a different language. It wasn’t a long flight and by the time you were back, you were still soaked. Brushing a piece of wet hair that was just now starting to curl once more, you approached Talia, who was being trailed closely by Damian who almost stepped back by the look you had on your face.

        “What happened?” Talia demanded glaring for a quick second at the questionable recruits.

        “The mission was almost jeopardized by the recruits that I raised concern about. They put unnecessary risks onto the table and missed the simple instructions they were assigned.” You narrowed your eyes some, “I took care of what they couldn’t.” “The mission was successful.”

        “Very well. Hit the showers and meet me in the briefing room in 40 minutes.” Talia said.

        “Understood.” You walked passed her and Damian, only stopping to acknowledge him for a few seconds, “Damian.” You said nodding.

        “Y/N.” You were the only one that could address him as his first name besides Talia and The Demon Head and you were the only one he’d use a first name for.

        You continued down the hallway and a few more before making into another sector of the building that you stayed. Those in high ranking had their own bathrooms such as you and Talia. It was seen as a sign of respect and designation from the rest. You walked into your bedroom, smaller as they tended to be and grabbed your change of clothes. This is what you normally wore around the complex if you weren’t going on missions. It was as simple as a black suit with straps for weapons and a place for your swords. Other than that, it was nothing special. It was against code to wear any kind of sleep wear outside of your room.

_______________________________________________________________________

        While on your way back from the briefing room, you decided to take a detour to the roof tops where you stayed sometimes. The view was incredible at night and the stars shown brighter than you’d seen anywhere else. There was a cool breeze up there and the occasional glimpse of the nightly patrol off in the distance. You were alone for most of the time and became captive to your own thoughts running wild. That didn’t mean you didn’t hear the footsteps behind you though.

        “What brings you to the roof?” You asked to the figure not even turning around.          

        You knew it was Damian just by how he walked. It typically took a few minutes for the two of you to drop your guard, even in the slightest, however it was the only time you could.

        “I wanted some fresh air and figured you’d be here. I am pleased to find that I was not incorrect in my thinking.” He replied sitting next to you.

        “I’m flattered.”

        The sarcastic tone of your comment led a smirk onto Damian’s face.

        “You looked abnormally angry after today’s assignment.” He commented, “I was surprised to see you so...”

        “Covered head to toe in blood and rain?”

        “Precisely.”

        “Well, that would not have happened if there was not a reason for it to. By all means, sometimes, I expect there to be mistakes. I also expect there to be repercussions. But if you cannot even finish off the simplest of tasks, you are by all means an absolute incompetent fool.” “I could have done that as a young child.”

        “I noticed you seemed to be less than pleased when recruits were assigned on Monday.” Damian said, “I presumed it was something to do with those individuals.”

        “Correct.”

        There was some silence between the two of you. Some night up on the rooftops, there were no conversations. You two acknowledged each other’s presence and continued on your way, minding your own business, and ultimately being comfortable in each other’s company. However, tonight you had something else in mind.

        “Has Talia been acting strangely more... emotional? In a positive way I think.” You asked him, “I thought it might have just been me, but with some more conversation with her earlier this morning, I suspect something must be wrong.”

        “I have noticed that. I am sure that there is nothing too terribly wrong to fear. Grandfather has had no change in his demeanor... That said, he is more seasoned to conflict.” Damian remarked, “You do get more information on matters on occasion with your status.”

        “I know, that’s why I’m concerned.” “I don’t want to be caught in the middle of some war or whatever the case may be. Besides, I have my real assignment which is watching over you. I don’t need anything getting in the way of why I’m supposedly really here.”          

        “You are aware that your “only job” isn’t just to be my protector or however my mother worded when we were young children. You’re also one of most commanding and powerful people I’ve ever met. Your position was well placed in your hands and it is well taken care of by you.” Damian commented.

        “High praise coming from the grandson of The Demon Head.” You almost let a smile slip onto your face at what he said.

        “I don’t remember a day where you weren’t there in some way.” He said, “Whether that was to scold me for being too proud of my bloodline or just making sarcastic remarks about anything you could.” He smirked, “Not that I didn’t fire back.”

        “Mhmm. Talia, as much as she doesn’t want to admit it was extremely amused when I used to talk like that to you. Although, she denies it every time now.” You thought back to the days when you and Damian used to bicker about everything. You were always secretly the more serious one no matter how much he wanted to keep that up. For you, there was no family line to fall back on. You only had your reputation and especially here, that was easy and dangerous to damage.

        “What do you think is going on?” He asked, “If there is anything wrong, one of us, if not both will know within the next few weeks at most.”

        “I don’t really know. I think that it might be something internal. The Demon Head and Talia might be about to sweep the lower and middle ranks for traitors or those less competent. They might even take the upper ranks. Just watch your back.”

        “As always.”

        You looked back out at the view looking at the mountain tops, inspecting each and every one that you could see. The snow gleamed in pale moonlight and every once in a while, you’d possibly see a shooting star go by. When training wasn’t underway and most everyone was asleep, the compound was one of the most peaceful places you’d ever been. You caught yourself yawning and suddenly a wave of exhaust washed over you.

        “How long has it been since you slept properly?” Damian asked noticing right away your shift in demeanor.

        “Maybe four days at best. It was just the mission preparations. I’ll be fine, besides, training for me in the morning is not until later. I’ll have time to sleep longer.” You stood back up, “I am going to head back to my room now. However, I do expect to see you at sparring tomorrow?”

        “I will be there.”

        With that, you hopped down the roof top and left back for your room. You knew he’d follow shortly after you, it was customary for him to after some alone time. That always helped with anything he was dealing with since he rarely ever got it. That’s the unspoken worst part about being in the positions you two were in. There was never any time to yourselves.

[myaekingheart]

134. Sweetness and Decency

read the scarecrow and the bell on ao3 index | from the beginning | < previous | next >

TW for some brief talk about death in childbirth 

               The dango shop was a welcome comfort in chaotic times such as these—as was Sekkachi, miraculously enough. Sitting across from her now made things feel almost even normal. Almost. Rei watched as she sipped her water, poked at her little bowl of rice, grimaced at the cheery passerby.

               “So is there a reason you decided to drag me out here, or no?” Sekkachi asked boredly. “Didn’t expect a lunch date on a Monday afternoon. Besides, aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

               Rei chewed her lower lip, circled her index finger along the lip of her glass. “Well, I haven’t really been feeling well so I took a few days off…” she replied slowly, cautiously. It wasn’t like she had been hiding the fact that she was sick, and yet she still felt guilty about it. She still felt like in some capacity, she was lying. She didn’t particularly want to take off work but she needed time to process. If she had not called out sick, she knew she would have put the lives of herself and everyone under her supervision in danger by virtue of her own preoccupation. Her concentration was practically nonexistent, not to mention the everpresent nausea that still loomed heavy over her head.

               Sekkachi smirked and chuckled under her breath. “The ANBU captain neglecting her duties? That doesn’t sound very responsible of you” she joked.

               Rei sank down in her seat, crossing her arms about her chest. “Oh, shut up” she muttered. There was an added malice to her tone, a scathing jab that Sekkachi had not quite expected.

               Amused with Rei’s sudden angst, Sekkachi raised her hands in surrender and stifled her laughter. “I’m just saying” she replied. She took another swig of her water then and proceeded to ask, “So are you going to answer the question or not?”

               Narrowing her eyes, Rei shot Sekkachi a sharp glare. This was not going well. “Is it so wrong to just want to spend time with a friend?” she snapped. “Do I always have to have an ulterior motive?”

               “No” Sekkachi replied, fishing a pack of cigarettes from her back pouch, “but you do anyways, don’t you?”

               “You’re unbelievable” Rei muttered through gritted teeth.

               “So, what is it?” Sekakchi asked. She fixed the cigarette between her teeth, snapped the switch on her finicky lighter. Rei’s heart leapt into her throat. “Make it quick so I can go back home.”

               Just as Sekkachi finally got her lighter to ignite, Rei grimaced and leaned across the table, ripping the cigarette from her mouth. “Well first off, no more smoking. Got it?” she insisted.

               Sekkachi whined, clearly insulted. “What the fuck, Rei?!” she asked, pulling another cigarette from the pack. “You’ve never had an issue with this shit before. Besides, you know how I need my smokes.”

               “Not anymore” Rei snapped. She stole the second cigarette from Sekkachi’s mouth and swatted her hand away from the package before she could reach for a third. “It may not have mattered back then, but things are different now. You can’t smoke around me anymore.”

               “Oh yeah? And why is that?” Sekkachi asked incredulously. She tossed the package of cigarettes across the table, swirled her water around in her glass casually before taking a long sip.

               Rei clenched her fists at her sides, prepared herself for the ultimate admission. She wondered if it would be acceptable to just vanish into thin air, or to slink under the table and crawl home. Just avoid the subject completely. Her growing rage, however, said otherwise. It encouraged her to snap and scream and make a spectacle of herself as if to seek revenge against Sekkachi’s carelessness. But no, she would compose herself. Sucking in a sharp breath, Rei narrowed her eyes and finally confessed.

               “Because…I’m pregnant.”

               Sekkachi immediately choked on her drink, spewing water across the table and spluttering into the crook of her elbow. “Rei, what the fuck?! That’s not funny!” she shouted, slapping Rei on the forearm. “Just for that, I’m smoking twice as much today.”

               “I’m not joking, you dick!” Rei fired back. She reached across the table to slap Sekkachi on the arm in retaliation. Huffing, she then angrily fished around in her back pouch before pulling out the pregnancy test and slapping it on the table. “See for yourself. I’m telling the truth.”

               “Ew, get that shit away from me” Sekkachi cringed, flicking the test back towards Rei. “You should know better than to get your piss stick near my food.”

               “Oh, as if you’re even eating it to begin with” Rei rolled her eyes. She snatched the pregnancy test off the table, stalled before putting it back in her pouch. Her eyes idled on that little pink line. She still had trouble processing it herself. “You know, something along the lines of ‘congratulations’ would have sufficed” she muttered.

               “Why?” Sekkachi asked. “This is more of a curse than anything else.”

               “Oh yeah?” Rei glared at her. “And how do you figure that?”

               “Isn’t it obvious?” Sekkachi replied. “Your body is going to get ripped to shreds, you’re going to shove a giant kid out of your vag, and then spend the next eighteen years cleaning up after it and going broke paying for everything it whines for. If you even live that long. Listen, I thought we already had this conversation back when you first came up with this psycho scheme. I thought you had given up on this shit. What the hell happened?”

               Rei narrowed her eyes. “Your birthday is what fucking happened” she snapped.

               Groaning, Sekkachi fell back against the booth and pressed the heels of her hands into her eye sockets. “Fuck, this just keeps getting worse and worse!” she complained. The aftereffects of Mikazuki’s voice mail still weighed heavy on her mind.

               “God, you’re such a child” Rei spat, rolling her eyes. “What the fuck is your deal, anyway? What is with you and this…this thing that you’ve got against having kids? Are other people’s life choices really that much of an inconvenience to you, Sekkachi? God fucking forbid.”

               “Rei, children are an inconvenience to everyone” Sekkachi insisted. She dropped her eyes to the ground, pouted. She really didn’t want to talk about this. Her stomach creaked in response to her mounting stress and she considered the pills in her back pouch. “I just don’t think you’re taking this seriously” she muttered sourly.

               “I’m not taking this seriously?” Rei asked, borderline offended. “Alright, listen, I could understand when I told you that Kakashi and I were trying to conceive. That was one thing. But now to sit here and say this shit after I’ve already told you that I’m pregnant? God, can you be any more insensitive?”

               “That’s all the more reason to tell you the harsh truth!” Sekkachi fired back. “Do you have any idea what’s going to happen to you, Rei? What could happen to you?”

               “Sekkachi, what the fuck are you talking about?” Rei asked. She could feel her face growing hot, her hands growing numb. Her stomach began to churn. The emotional toll that this conversation was taking on her would not bode well for her morning sickness.  

               Sekkachi tensed and Rei could tell she had finally lost it. For the first time in a long time, her dark eyes had grown glossy with tears. She gripped the package of cigarettes on the table and her voice cracked. “I’m just not ready to fucking lose you, Rei” she plead.

               Rei sighed. “Sekkachi, you’re not going to lose me” she assured.

               “No, Rei, you don’t fucking get it” Sekkachi growled. The package of cigarettes began to crumple in her fist. “I don’t care about how your life is going to change after you have a kid. I know you won’t have much time for me anymore. I accept that. It’s the danger of being pregnant that I cannot accept.”

               “Danger?” Rei asked. She knew that pregnancy always came with the possibility of complications, but perhaps Rei was naïve in her ignorance of them. In the hollow, hopeful belief that she was immune to them. She did not expect anything bad to happen to her, nor did she see any reason. Sekkachi was just overreacting. Her personal beliefs were clouding her judgment.

                Gritting her teeth, Sekakchi repeated, “Yes, Rei. Danger.” She squeezed her eyes shut tight and tried to remain calm, but she was not doing a very good job at it. “Rei…my mother died bringing me into this world. And then I watched the same fucking thing happen to my aunt when she had Roru. I…I can’t even begin to describe the horror of seeing someone you love go through that kind of pain, to put in all of that physical labor, and then just…fucking lose it. Rei, you don’t understand. I am not going to let the same thing happen to you.”

               Rei sucked in a sharp breath. Sekkachi’s fears were certainly valid but… “Sekkachi, I am not your mother. And I’m not your aunt, either” she started. “What do you even expect me to do? Get an abortion? Just to please you?” The mere mention of such drastic measures made Rei’s throat tighten. She couldn’t even imagine. Clenching her jaw, she dropped her gaze to the table and shoved the thoughts out of her mind. “You know” she snapped, “if you’re so fucking preoccupied with losing me, then it might do you well to be a little more supportive.” Perhaps it was just the hormones, but Rei’s emotions had become far too overwhelming. She felt chaotic and unhinged, her hands shaking and her heart beating out of her chest.

               She should’ve known this was a mistake. She should’ve known Sekkachi would never be supportive. That she would never accept Rei’s yearning for domesticity and motherhood. Whatever pain Rei was feeling now was her own fault for ever thinking otherwise. And now that she had unraveled, a manic urgency took root in the pit of her stomach. She needed to leave. Now.

               Rei locked eyes with Sekkachi for only a moment as she gathered her things and slapped a few dollars on the table. Her voice cracked as she bid Sekkachi a parting thought: “I can leave your life in more ways than one.”

               When Kakashi returned home that night, the house was dark and silent. He flicked on the kitchen light to find Rei curled up on the couch, snuggled up in his shuriken blanket. A trash can sat by her side and Toshio slept dutifully by her feet. Kakashi kicked his shoes off and set his vest down before approaching, kneeling beside her and brushing the hair out of her face. Her cheeks were stained with dried tears and her eyes looked puffy and tired. She furrowed her brows and slowly blinked awake at his touch before quickly pulling him into a tight hug.

               “R-Rei…what’s going on? Did something happen?” he asked as she buried her face in his neck. Her forehead was damp with sweat. He knew she had plans to meet with Sekkachi, and he knew that it likely did not go well. He felt obligated to ask anyway.

               “K-Kakashi…I don’t think I have a best friend anymore” Rei sobbed.

               “Oh?” Kakashi asked. He stroked her hair and kissed her exposed, freckled shoulder. “Why? What happened?”

               Rei leaned back then, sniffled, wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “I told Sekkachi a-about the pregnancy and…she didn’t take it very well. And then I got angry and stormed out of the dango shop, b-but now I just…I feel like I can’t do anything right and like all I ever do i-is push her further and further away a-and I just—!” Rei explained, frantic and unhinged. She tightened her grip on his sleeves, gasped through her monstrous tears. “I-I don’t want to lose my best friend, Kakashi—!”

               “Shh, it’s okay, I know” Kakashi whispered, pulling her close. His chest tightened, a desperation taking root. He hated seeing her so distraught but even more, he hated that he wasn’t even entirely surprised. He appreciated Sekkachi’s companionship, of course. He liked knowing that Rei had such a steadfast friend. He only wished that Sekkachi had been softer, kinder—especially now. But Sekkachi was nothing more than hard edges and blunt force trauma. She was unfiltered to a dangerous degree, bitter and harsh and honest. And, much like a parasite, she was also incredibly hard to get rid of—for better or for worse. “I’m sure things will calm down and she’ll come back around” Kakashi assured his fiancée. “You know Sekkachi, she’s always been like this.”

               Rei sniffled. “A-are you sure?” she asked. “What if she decides that this is the last straw, though? What if she decides th-that she’s sick and tired of my bullshit?”

               Kakashi shook his head. “I don’t think she will” he replied. He thought of Naru, of the fragile series of loss and grief upon which Rei and Sekkachi’s relationship had been built. They needed each other. “If she didn’t have you” Kakashi continued, “then who would she have?”

               “Guy” Rei quipped. Kakashi considered this for a moment before deciding that ultimately, Might Guy did not count. After all, everyone had Might Guy. He belonged to all of them, like some sort of communal cheerleader. Yes, he and Sekkachi had a special bond but still. After a few more moments, Rei spoke again, voice choked and hoarse. “S-Sekkachi said she doesn’t want to lose me, she said th-that she’s scared I’m making a mistake. Th-that childbirth is dangerous, a-and I could…could die. But how can she say that when she keeps treating me like this, Kakashi? How can she say she doesn’t want to lose me when i-it’s like she’s doing this shit to herself?!”

               Kakashi pursed his lips, sucked in a sharp breath. He hated to admit that the dangers of childbirth had weighed heavy on his mind amid all of this, too. He refused to let anything happen to Rei or their unborn child. But he also knew Rei’s capacity for panic, and he knew better than to make his own fears known. He needed to be strong and unaffected for the sake of her own sanity. She was already unhinged enough. With a gentle hand, Kakashi tilted Rei’s chin up to face him. He met her gaze with affectionate purpose. “Rei, look at me: you are not going to die. Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise. Sekkachi is just scared, and I’m sure she has every right to be. But if she really cared about you, if she was really your friend, she’ll come around. Just…give her some time.”

               Rei wasn’t sure she believed Kakashi’s words. After all, he always knew what to say to make her feel better, whether it was true or not. She wanted him to be honest with her, and she wanted to believe that he would understand that. Kakashi was not going to do her any favors by lying.

               But deep down, Kakashi truly was genuine in his words. He may not have known Sekkachi as intimately or for as long as Rei or even Guy had, but he knew well enough that she would not abandon her comrades. She would whine and complain and feign apathy but she would never abandon them. Not really. Not after Naru.

               Kakashi pulled his fiancée close and rubbed the small of her back as she continued to sob, releasing all of her pent-up, emphasized emotions. Once she had cried herself to sleep, he scooped her up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom, resting her gently upon the mattress and tucking her in much like a child. He dragged the trash can to her bedside just in case, kissed her sweaty temple, and turned out the light.

               Come Wednesday morning, Kakashi stood in the doorway as Rei struggled through her morning routine, a white-knuckle grip on the counter and her face pale and dewy with sweat. “Are you going to be okay?” he asked softly.

               Gritting her teeth, Rei gave a minute shake of her head. “K-Kakashi, I don’t think I can do this” she whispered. Their doctor’s appointment was in thirty minutes. They were already cutting things close.

               The altercation with Sekkachi had only further emphasized Rei’s inner panic over the past few days. Between that and her fear of confronting Lady Tsunade, she thought of little else. Kakashi could clearly see the toll that this was taking on her. He saw it in the dark circles beneath her eyes, her sunken cheeks and the pallor of her skin. In the way she poked at her food, disinterested, and how her temper so easily flared.

               Inching nearer, Kakashi rested a gentle hand on the small of Rei’s back. “What do you need me to do?” he then asked. If there was any way he could lessen her burden, he was ready and willing.

               “Take my place and face all of this for me?” she asked, smiling weakly at him. She knew the answer was an obvious no. He was not a seahorse, and she was not that lucky. Kakashi chuckled under his breath, pressed his forehead to her temple to kiss her cheek.

               “Go sit down and take a minute” he suggested. “I’ll get our stuff together in the meantime.” Neither of them were sure what, exactly, was necessary to bring to their first prenatal appointment but they assumed the pregnancy test itself, a list of questions and concerns (of which they had many), and of course the usual identification and insurance cards.

               While Rei did not feel entirely at ease with just sitting, she knew that if she forced herself to stand over the bathroom sink any longer, she was going to pass out. Her head was already spinning and her stomach was in knots. She willed herself to remain steady as she made her way to the couch, her vision blurring with splotches of indescribable color. She wondered if she ought to eat something, but then decided against it. She would only throw it back up anyway, and the last thing she needed was to vomit all over the doctor. Toshio followed close behind, hopping up on the couch beside her and swiping his tongue across her cheek. A laugh broke past her lips as she wiped the slobber off her face with the cuff of her sleeve and scratched him affectionately behind the ear. If only he could come with them, but hospitals did not seem to take very kindly to dogs.

               As she quieted down, Rei suddenly swore she could hear the echo of footsteps in the hallway. “Kakashi…?” she called into the bedroom. “Do you hear that, or am I just losing it?” And then there was a knock at the door and Rei’s back went ramrod straight. She clutched at the thick fur at Toshio’s neck and forced her breathing to steady. They were not expecting company. This was the last thing she needed on a morning like this.

               Kakashi poked his head out of the bedroom, arching a brow. “Is someone at the door?” he asked. He knew it was a dumb question—he had heard the knock, too—but he wanted to make sure that he, too, was not hallucinating amid his own anxiety.

               Rei met his gaze with wide, panicked eyes, nodding slowly. She glanced to the door, swallowed hard, then replied weakly, “I-I’ll get it.”

               “Are you sure?” Kakashi asked. He didn’t want her to overexert herself. Before he could rush to her side, she was already on her feet and approaching.

               “I’m sure it’s nothing” she replied. “Probably just the mailman or something, right?” Kakashi gave a slow nod, idling in the doorway. Rei’s hand hovered over the doorknob, shaky and unsure. She gripped it slowly, sucked in a deep breath, squeezed her eyes shut tight. She didn’t even want to bother with the peephole. If there was someone on the other side, she didn’t want to know. She feared she already knew the answer anyway. Then finally, with a soft grunt, she shoved the door open. There was no one.

               Once Kakashi saw that the hallway was empty, he felt safer letting Rei handle this on her own. Surely she was right, and it was just the mail. He swore he caught sight of a package on the doorstep anyway. With a sigh of relief, he turned back to the bedroom and finished gathering their things.

               Rei’s breath hitched in her throat as she knelt down to retrieve the package. Tied with a neat little bow was a pair of vintage baby booties and a matching blanket. Rei ran her hand across the blanket’s soft fabric—pale blue fleece—and something in her clicked. Embroidered in the corner was a happy little teddy bear holding three primary-colored balloons. Her hands shook. She recognized this blanket. It was the same one she had seen in the antiques shop a month ago. And there was only one person who would have known about it: Sekkachi.

               Tucked underneath the ribbon was a little note, wrinkled and tinged with the faintest scent of cigarette smoke. Rei hugged the blanket to her chest as she unfolded it, skimmed that all-too-familiar scribbled penmanship.

               Rei,                Sorry we got off on a bad foot the other day. Hope this makes up for it.                -Sekkachi

               Rei clapped a hand over her mouth as she tried to restrain her tears but failed miserably. She had to admit, this was the perfect gift. Sekkachi must have recognized the longing in her eyes when Rei first found it, and it was just like her to gift something so cozy and warm. Sekkachi refused to admit it out loud, but she had a secret penchant for the soft and snuggly. She always knew the perfect fabric for blankets, the perfect firmness for a pillow. This was truly the perfect gift.

               The moment Kakashi heard Rei’s sobs, he raced out of the bedroom and to her side at, quite frankly, a ridiculous speed. “What’s wrong? What is it?” he asked, resting a hand on her back and searching the hallway for a hidden perpetrator. Rei sniffled and tightened her grip on the blanket. “Oh? What’s this?” Kakashi asked, calming once he realized there was no present danger. He reached out to carefully caress the corner of the blanket between his thumb and forefinger.

               A teary smile touched Rei’s lips as she handed Kakashi the note. “It’s from Sekkachi” she croaked. Kakashi took the slip of paper cautiously, skimming the brief message, and relief washed over him. Finally, a weight had been lifted off of Rei’s mind—or at least one of many. He knew Sekkachi was bound to come around sooner or later. It warmed his heart to see her go to such great lengths for an apology. A true acceptance of the hand fate had dealt them, a promise of companionship and support.

               “Can I see what she got us?” Kakashi asked softly. Rei nodded and handed over the blanket and booties, and an incredulous little laugh broke past Kakashi’s lips. Somehow holding them now, the first little gifts for their child, made the situation feel so much more real. He turned the booties over in his hands, swinging the little pompoms dangling from the cuff. They were so tiny. How could anyone ever be so tiny? And yet in just under a year, he would have his answer in the form of their own little baby. Kakashi sucked in a deep breath, tried to maintain his composure. He could not, however, fight the smile spreading wide across his lips.

               Rei’s heart soared to see him so moved. Kakashi truly was going to be an incredible father, she just knew it. She brushed the bangs back out of her face, sniffled, glanced to the clock. “Hey, we better get going” she then said. “We’re running late.”

               “Right” Kakashi nodded and set the gift down on the kitchen table. He could return to revel in it later. Right now, they had more pressing matters at hand. He took Rei’s hand in his, kissed her forehead sweetly, and together they went off with equal parts hope and anxiety for the future. For the first notes of the steady thump of their child’s heartbeat. For the beginning of the rest of their lives.

[loquaciousquark]

I hope you're doing well! I know you posted about a stressful situation last month, and I hope it's resolved itself. Sending good wishes you you and Hamlet!

Thank you so very much for checking in on me! I really do appreciate it. An update to that post under the cut.

Carol, who moved in with me on May 28, is still here. Right now, we have set a tentative move-out goal of the first or second week of August, but this is pending an apartment application that she hopes to finalize on Monday and a job situation that is a complete mess.

Basically, according to my limited understanding, Carol is licensed to teach in Florida. Alabama has a reciprocity clause with Florida, but it must be applied for. Carol has recently begun this process, but her teaching license(s?) is (are?) set to expire in December unless she passes certain exams. She’s already passed one for...general middle and high school teaching, I think, but failed a math exam. She has an art history exam Monday afternoon and expects to pass. I hope so, because she’s been doing nothing but watching Netflix and shopping for houses for the last few days in her new 2017 Jeep Cherokee.

I remain unspeakably grateful to my parents for teaching me financial literacy, because until I witnessed Carol’s decision-making, I had no idea how hard it was for some people to not spend money unwisely. 

As a reminder, Carol is dead broke. She has $153,000 in debt across student loans, medical bills, Czech and US taxes, and some personal loans she would like to repay to friends for helping her. She is unemployed and has no support from her family and has relied on couch surfing at friends’ and acquaintances’ homes since last summer for housing. Since moving in with me, she has been trying to find somewhere to live that would accept her with all her debt and her nonexistent US employment history for the last ten years. Based on what she’s said, I think she has about $9k in the bank--or did, until last week.

In short, she needs a car, a job, and a home, and as far as I can tell she doesn’t care which order they come in.

Two weeks ago, she was offered a position in a rural town about 30 minutes from where I live. It’s a small, very country town which desperately needs a special education teacher, something I think Carol really does have a passion for. However, because she hasn’t finished the reciprocity licensure application yet, they’re having a lot of roadblocks with her paperwork, compounded by the fact that when she left Prague last year, she left all her important documentation behind: things like her birth certificate, her social security card, and her letters of recommendation, which for some reason she did not have electronic backups of. The principal has been trying to get what she needs from Carol for two weeks. Carol is constantly saying that things are “in process” but has nothing to show for it.

As far as we can tell, the job is still hers, but the school year starts August 13th and she still hasn’t been approved by the Board of Education because the paperwork is still not finished on her end. She did not attempt to replace her birth certificate or social security card until they needed it for the application. (Her friend in Prague--and I am beginning to realize she uses the word “friend” for anyone she’s met longer than sixty seconds), who frantically packed up all her belongings when she realized she would not be able to go back to the city, cannot ship her belongings or go through them for the important paperwork until next summer, as she and her husband are currently vacationing in Rome for a year.

Carol decided last night she is also going to apply for some online Department of Defense position--I didn’t understand the details and don’t really want to know, except that it’s also teaching and some administration. We’ll see how it works out. She is growing increasingly annoyed at the principal’s requests for paperwork completion, which baffles me.

So, job: shrug? Maybe?

Car next, then, but this whole mess also goes back to the financial literacy thing. My parents have always been extremely frugal (pennywise, as my dad would say), and from childhood they made it very clear to us to not buy things you couldn’t afford. They’ve never had a car payment in my memory, and they paid off their house about ten years ago. This means they drove a lot of junkers for a very long time, and for a very long time we had very few vacations, but now they’re fully financially stable and debt-free and my mom has a car that she drove off the lot brand new that they paid cash in hand for. 

If I had been in Carol’s situation, I would have found a cheap, mostly reliable used car that probably wasn’t going to explode on me and drive that as long as I could while saving up for housing. I did in fact drive her to look at several used cars, most of which would have been even outside my expected budget (hers, as it happens, is larger even than that, because one of her overseas friends was willing to contribute $5000 to the cost of a vehicle). (I paid $6500 for my current car, a 2004, in college in 2012 with 70,000 miles on it at the time, and have driven it ever since.)

She rejected all of them because they did not have good “energy” and “feelings.” One she was willing to buy at $3700, but told the seller to go pay for his own inspection (once I explained to her what mechanical inspections were as a concept), so they ghosted her. She also is extremely afraid of head gasket failure--I don’t know why, since she knows nothing about cars--and has assumed all vehicles she has driven are on the verge of it, so after the first week she refused to even look at a vehicle without a warranty.

This means she exclusively limited herself to used dealership options, which I’m just going to come right out and say was monumentally stupid. I don’t know if any car dealers follow me, so I’m sorry if I am misperceiving this, but in my experience almost every dealer I’ve gone to has been aggressive, manipulative, and extremely predatory in their interest rates. I cannot think of a riskier course of action in abject debt than to try to cut a deal with a car dealer for the sake of a warranty I doubt will cover that much truly expensive failure in the long run anyway.

On Thursday, Carol bought a $20,000 2017 Jeep Cherokee from a dealership down the road. I don’t know what she put down. I do know she did not use her friend’s money (why not??) and I know her interest rate on the car loan is 4%, which she is extremely proud of and which horrifies me. She also “persuaded” them into a limited warranty that will cover the vehicle up to 100,000 miles (currently at 42k, and they ~only offer it for cars under 40,000 miles~). I can’t tell you how bad an idea I think all this is.

Thursday night, as she was regaling me with stories of her negotiating prowess, she also tells me she has decided to buy a house. She’s sick of renting, and somehow, someone somewhere managed to get her approved for up to $120,000 in a home loan. She already has $150k in debt, another $20k from the car, and now wants to buy a house. She was delighted that she could make the minimum 7% down payment, even though it would wipe out every cent she has left and leave her less than $500 to her name for moving expenses, utilities, food, title registration, etc. afterwards.

She doesn’t even have a secure job yet.

However, this plan seems to have fallen through. She went out with a realtor several times this weekend and came home the last time in great, heaving sobs, because she can’t find the 3bed 2bath she wanted in her price range. (For reference, most homes in this area go between 200k - 250k right now for 2-3bed 2ba, and the closer you get to the city--I have about a 20 minute commute--the higher it gets. My next door neighbor sold her 3bed 2.5ba for >300k three months ago, and Carol knew this.) She was absolutely devastated that the only things in her range were “tiny little ugly flipped houses” and “the ghetto.” The realtor basically said she wasn’t going to waste any more of her time. Carol repeatedly told me how grateful I should be that I got in at the price point I did a few years back, because no “normal people” could ever afford to break into the market again.

I tried to tell her that it was because I lived in with a roommate in very cheap housing and then a cell of a 1bed 1ba apartment for eight years while I saved money, but if nothing else, I’ve learned I’m not allowed to compare our situations or histories or offer advice of any kind except “go ahead and buy what you want,” because that only makes her cry harder. In the end, she has decided to give up on the house for now and settle for the absolute last thing in the world she wanted, an apartment with a lease.

To be honest, until she has a signed contract in hand, I half-expect this lease to fall through as well. I have tried to offer what I think is sensible advice and been ignored or rebuffed. I have tried to offer a sympathetic ear and ended up with her sobbing uncontrollably on me--heaving, body-wracking sobs--over and over again with me trapped in my own home, providing endless emotional support for a girl I don’t even like. I have tried to encourage her to do the things she wants to do, since she’s going to do them anyway, and when she gets “negative energy” after the purchases (buyer’s remorse, I think, that one little inkling of sense saying maybe it wasn’t a great idea to buy a $20,000 car or an $1100 brand new iPhone without a job), she blames it on the exact thing I said I thought might be good and makes me feel like I have now directly contributed to a negative outcome after poor decision-making.

For the record, when she says these things to me she is not saying, and has never said, them directly at me. She has never blamed me in any way for a negative outcome. She is not consciously trying to manipulate me or abuse me or take advantage of my help. She has never once asked me for money or job connections or for me to use any of my stability to unfairly or unethically get her something she needs. She is just completely absorbed in her own (rightfully absorbing) mess of a situation, and I think just completely unaware of how much of an emotional black hole she has become. There are no problems except her problems. There are no needs except her needs, and everyone around her has to understand how hard she has it at all times. 

So, we’ll see. I am praying that the apartment works out next week. The owner seems to want to work with her, which is a hopeful sign. Good thoughts would be appreciated.

--

Aside from all of this, work has gotten extremely complicated. I’m not going to go into all of it now, but one of my jobs is to create an extremely detailed schedule for students in clinic. This is used to schedule patients in each service--if we have this many students, we can have this many patient slots per half-day, etc. Last week, two students were out unexpectedly, one who broke her arm the day before she was supposed to begin, and one who had a terrible anxiety attack and thought the symptoms were actually COVID. That student was tested and cleared negative, but Student Health requires a two-week quarantine anyway, so she was not allowed to return.

This meant that we now had multiple patients per day with no one to see them. We tried to reschedule as many as we could, but we still ended up with multiple overbooks. This is extremely stressful for me as both a provider, an instructor, and a human being who hates having other people wait on her in a professional capacity. We got through the week, but not without several painful bumps, and it’s looking like there will be more soon.

I also woke up to an email this morning that one of my favorite students (yes, I have favorites, I’m sorry), had a completely unexpected death in the immediate family and had to rush home. This is a very, very sweet, very smart girl who has worked unbelievably hard over the past year to do well in this program and in my courses, and I am just devastated for her. One of her friends is willing to cover her clinic, so the impact will be minimal on that side, but to have this happen during this country’s hellhole handling of this pandemic...I can’t even imagine it.

All of this isn’t even touching COVID. The President’s side has won in that sense--I don’t even register the numbers anymore--but as of last week our dean sent out messaging that implied that with our state’s failure to contain the spread, new discussions were going to be happening soon regarding our August start. We already had committed to full hybrid scheduling: all lectures online, in-person labs only where absolutely necessary to continue advancement in the program, and those labs limited to two per room with full PPE, but if they decide even that can’t happen, I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. I cannot make competent doctors over Zoom. I can’t. At some point they have to touch other people and look at other people’s eyes. They have to be able to check real, in-person blood pressure. They have to look at genuine eye movements and ocular surfaces in person and I cannot and will not let them enter clinic until they have the practice and the time and the practicals behind them. I fucking refuse to endanger the public for sixty years because someone in an office somewhere decided a timetable is more important than a patient keeping their ability to see, and I’m ready to fight administration on this if they try to push it.

But if I win the fight, what next? They just...don’t enter clinic next year. They don’t enter my program. I don’t know what they do in the meantime, as this lab meets four mornings a week and the lecture twice. The course is delayed until next year or whenever we have the virus under control again, and suddenly my fall semester sure looks like I’ll be being paid to stay at home and count carpet fibers. I don’t think they’ll fire me--no one else wants to teach my course anyway--but if I win this fight I might put myself right into furlough in the process.

I could be borrowing trouble, I know. They could come back and say that after review, our system and safety protocols (all extremely conservative) are indeed safe enough and we can proceed as we want. They could say that our limited in-person option for lectures (we have several gigantic lecture halls that could easily socially distance) is the only thing that needs to go. They could say that we just need to have smaller lab groups--hellish on me, but doable.

But it’s one more element of stress in my life that I just can’t handle worrying about right now, which is why I’ve been bouncing back and forth between random fics and oneshots (that mermaid one was feverishly written on a single evening Carol spent at her mom’s house) and pouring an ungodly amount of hours into Animal Crossing. At least there I have some control over what happens next.

Sorry, guys. I know this is not the happy update I was hoping for. I’ll try to check in again next month and we’ll see where things end up.

[gacy-lajla]

Jeon Jungkook X Reader || False Alarm

Genre: Love Alarm!AU, it’s not really fluff or angst just a lot of frustration and misunderstandings??

Warnings: mild use of foul language, probably a lot of errors because I never proofread I’m sorry

Word count: 2,413

Summary: Love Alarm is a brand new app and will contact you if someone in a 10 metre radius fell for you – given they have the app, too. You didn't download it for personal reasons and when you meet one of the schools heartthrobs he cannot stop and wonder why his alarm didn't go off when you locked eyes. But would it even do so if you downloaded the app?

You two locked eyes across the hallway, it was hard to block out the constant ringing of his Love Alarm going off as students passed him by, here and there other people received a notification as well, checking it quickly if perhaps by any chance Jungkook was a match.

Offering a small smile as the boy didn't look away you continued moving again, passing him by as you couldn't wait and finally leave this place filled with lovesick puppies. Stepping out of the building the atmosphere didn't seem to change for one bit, the occasional ringing to be heard and longing gazes were thrown around as students hoped for their crushes to pass them by and possibly alerting their mobile devices. Here and there you saw students just minding their business which made you feel not totally out of place, which was nice to see.

Leaving school grounds you finally seemed to escape the madness of people longing for love – and now that you were sure there was a very low possibility of someone calling your name you pulled out your headphone. Plugging it in you were about to blend out the outside world and dive into your very own but a quite large hand on your shoulder made your reflexes kick in and in one quick and swift movement you escaped the touch and faced the person to evaluate the situation. To your surprise you were face to face with heartthrob Jeon Jungkook – who you noticed staring at his phone right after you turned around. Your eyes narrowed slightly and you tried to read his facial expression, but as expected nothing would break his flawless facade. Seconds went by without a word uttered and he finally thought it would be a good idea to look at you after startling you like this. You were worried his oh-so-perfect eyes might have been glued to his phone for forever.

But still, none of you said something. You were about to ask him what he wanted but stopped yourself after noticing the smallest change in his face. His eyebrows seemed to have drawn closer, an uncharacteristic frown having formed as he looked you up and down. Feeling uncomfortable under his gaze you crossed your arms protectively over your chest and your gaze hardened.

“Is there a problem?”

No reaction. Of course, why would someone so popular speak to someone like you, after all? Didn't he have somewhere better to be? As you were about to turn around he took a step forward, the hand grasping his phone coming closer to you and you took a cautious step back. What the hell was his problem?

“Why isn't my Love Alarm notifying me about you?”, he asked, and never really having talked with him his tone threw you off a little. He sounded genuinely confused. Given that his alarm always went haywire, no matter the other persons gender, you kind of understood his confusion but at the same time he seemed like one of the most narcissistic people you have ever met.

“Do you just expect everyone to love you?”

This seems to have hit a nerve and he backed off a little, your shoulders relaxed as a result but your arms remained crossed. You could see the gears in his head turning, trying to process what you had just said.

“I mean... it kind of always-”

“Dude, I understand that your ego can't take this so lightly but I really want to go home and not deal with this right now so if you could just-”

“Hey, that was fucking rude, I just asked you a question – I guess the alarm not going off really means you hate me, then!”

Your eyes widened at his loud words and your shoulders tensed once more.

“Just because your stupid alarm didn't go off it doesn't mean someone hates you, it just means they don't love you romantically! I don't see what the big deal is, Jeon, so could you please leave me alone?”

Not saying another word after the exchange you put on your headphones and walked off, not wanting to deal with this unnecessary argument any more. Honestly, what was wrong with this guy? Was he so spoiled that he really didn't understand the concept of not everyone wanting to kiss his feet the moment they meet him? He really must've been fed with a silver spoon all of his life if that was true. Or maybe this app just failed in its purpose – there were quite some flaws, the biggest being that people would only rely on it to know if someone loved you. It was kind of measuring the worth of hoping for a relationship. If it didn't go off after the first meeting, why bother trying?

“This is so stupid, love isn't something that happens on a first glance. Attraction, sure, but this – this is ridiculous!”, you mumbled angrily, your footwork being more intense than usual, your pace much faster. You could feel your heartbeat so you tried to calm yourself, taking a deep breath. This wasn't your problem, you didn't have the app so you wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Not that you were interested, really.

A few days passed, the weekend successfully isolating you from the majority of the school you went to. Only a few familiar faces popped up here and there, but nothing too engaging. But soon enough Monday rolled around again and you tiredly slumped against your desk, not having slept enough the night before. You still had around ten minutes before the first class would start so you chatted with your friends.

“Isn't Woosung coming today? He never misses his classes.”

The question made you lift your head and look over at your friends, one of them turning theirs away embarrassedly, visibly turning pink.

“I don't think he is, we kind of... got into an argument? I don't know. We met up yesterday at an cafe and made a bet on whose love alarm would go off first when we download it and, uh-”, there was a brief pause when they looked around to make sure nobody was listening before leaning in, “Mine kinda may have gone off first and it mayhap could have been him who made it go 'bling bling', if you know what I mean and then he just excused himself and left-”

“It did what?”

“Woosung likes you?”

“Did you talk with him after the incident?”, you piped up quietly. Embarrassed they rubbed their neck.

“I don't really know what I should write him. 'Thank you for liking me'? I don't even know if I feel the same way about him and it was just a game-”

“But his feelings aren't a game for him. You should try and talk to him, tell him you need time to figure this out, at least.”

“Right.”

After that the conversation died down and not much later the first class started, the rest off the day passing by rather quickly and you soon found yourself on the campus again, swiping out your phone to shoot Woosung a quick message, asking him if he was alright. You worried a little for him but you were also sure that he'd get back up quickly again. Before you could pocked your mobile device away again you were met with three bodies aimed in your direction. The figures were lean and you groaned internally. Curse people who were taller than you.

“Can we talk?”

You looked up at the person who spoke, immediately recognizing him as one of the hot topics at this school, a friend of Jungkook. You weren't that busy but you also didn't want to speak with them, not knowing what this would be about, maybe a Love Alarm thing again and they also didn't understand why it wouldn't react with you being in close proximity. But then again, you were really bad at saying no when you didn't see a visible threat and people were around to witness.

“Sure”, you said, shrugging, nervously holding your phone tighter. You looked to the other two to identify them, you weren't entirely sure but you'd guess that before you were Jin, Jimin and Taehyung. The one that spoke to you actually had pretty broad shoulders which was almost scary. What did his parents feed him?

“It's not really our matter what happened between you and Jungkook, but we have to deal with him and his reaction now, so we wanted to talk with you about what occurred last Friday”, the smallest of the group said, his face not telling you much about his emotions, except for a small pout.

“You're right, it's none of your business and I don't see what there needs to be talked about. His alarm didn't ring, so what? So didn't yours or anyone's when I'm around, it should just be an indicator that I am not romantically invested in anyone.” You talked in a steady and calm matter, not wanting to make this into some big conflict you didn't want to be part of. But your plans had to be crushed when the last one of the boys spoke up – definitely emotionally more invested about this than the other two.

“That didn't mean you have to tell him that you hate him! That was totally rude and uncalled for, our Kookie doesn't deserve this, we want you to apologise!” At his loud and deep voice you took a cautious step back, your heart racing which you tried to mask with a neutral expression, but your tense body gave away your anxiousness. His two friends tried to calm him down a little by placing their hands on his back, whispered words were being exchanged while you thought of the quickest way to get out of this situation. You didn't have to talk to somebody accusing you of things you didn't do, right?

Just as you were about to take a step towards the gate you felt a hand on your shoulder, a strong feeling of deja vu washing over you. Reflexes kicking in quicker than your brain could take anything in you slapped the hand away quite harshly.

“Don't touch me!”

Surprised at your own volume you only dared to stare at the ground, three pairs of shoes visible before you turned around once more, determined to leave. Even when you heard voices asking you to wait you didn't falter. Asking you to apologise for something you didn't do was already a hot take but them touching you without permission, even when it only was your shoulder, was the last straw. Had they used their voices first, maybe you would've stayed, but this act of dominance, wanting to turn you around by physical contact, that is something you were taught not to accept that easily.

The next day went by just as fast, Woosung, after some texts, seemed to have brightened up and actually showed up again. He still seemed a little stiff with your other friend around but he also knew that he didn't want to lose this friendship with them, which they were grateful for. You on the other hand still had your thoughts set on the fiasco from the day before. It was weird how an app could complicate things so much. And you didn't even install it once.

What made you more nervous was the fact that you had classes with Jungkook today. You really didn't like seeing his face around any more. How could he tell his friends the lies about you hating somebody you barely knew? You just knew that he was the hot stuff to other people around you, which you couldn't deny – he was attractive. But there was nothing in your brain that told you 'oh, I wish I could be in a relationship with you so, so bad'. And to your brain he was nothing more than something nice to look at from time to time.

Which you didn't notice, because you don't take note of a lot of people, is that you shared that same class with one of the guys you met the other day. Taking a deep breath the moment you noticed them you rushed to your seat. You didn't even have time to hope for peace and quiet because they were already by your side. Course breaks, for once, because you really were getting sick of this.

“Look, I'm not going to apologise for something I didn't do – I never said I hated you, that's something you assumed beca-” You couldn't finish your sentence, you would've hadn't it been for the words that left Jungkook.

“I'm sorry.”

“Huh?” You looked up at him from your seat, confused as if he'd just grown a third eye. You waited for him to continue, because it looked like he wanted to say something more. It took quite the nudge from his friend who you recognised as the one who raised his voice at you.

“I'm sorry about assuming things I shouldn't have. It was wrong of me. And I'm sorry for bothering you with all this because of the app. And for telling my friends things about you that weren't true.”

His whole manner seemed a lot more stiff than you were used to, his voice wavering at some points.

“Apology accepted, I'm also sorry for probably sounding a lot ruder than I needed to be.”

“I'm also sorry for... yelling at you yesterday. It wasn't my place to do so, I just don't like to see my friends getting hurt so I lost my temper, sorry.” You were surprised at – Taehyung? - also speaking up, but you appreciated it. It was nice to see people learn from their mistakes.

“It's alright, I understand why you did what you did.” You paused, thinking about telling Jungkook that you didn't even have Love Alarm, but the setting seemed too out of place. Maybe another time, you were just glad that this situation was now solved.

[lastcrystalwitch]

Feeling Guilty Taking Time for Myself

When there are many things that need to get done, sometimes it seems like I am looking at a to-do list that is never going to end. I attempt to run around the house, studious and determined, to meet the day with expectations that I will have a cleaner house vs. the mess that it was previously in. I just need to remind myself that doing a little bit every day will get me to the cleanliness level that I am so desperately searching for.

I grew up middle-upper class. My mother was a house wife, and took great pride in keeping the house clean. Even if I go over there now it is spotless.

This means I grew up with a discipline system that when you made a mess, you were criticized, punished, or scrutinized. Needless to say, it is ingrained in me that success comes from being clean, neat and tidy. When dishes aren't piled in the sink, there will be no excuse for bugs to take up residence. When I lived in Arizona in with an ex who liked to have parties and friends over who never picked up after themselves, forced me to deal with infestations of cockroaches. Much to my horror and the irreverence of my ex-husband and his roommate who left pizza boxes half way piled to the ceiling. Not only was I unappreciated, but I was busy. I worked two jobs and went to school full time, paying most of the rent and paying for my college and his. I put him through school. I wonder if he ever got off his entitled ass and put in the hard work and got his degree? I was not respected, appreciated, and my needs were never put first unless I put them first.

2012 was a horror show.

I have lived in filth, much to my dismay and been completely out of my control from people moving in animals who had fleas, and possibly parvo, and have payed over a grand fixing my mom's house infested with fleas because of other people who brought their pets over my house and infected my pets. I have been the one, time and time again, to self sacrifice myself to help others, fix others problems, clean up their messes. Now that I am older, and wiser, I am learning what it is that makes me tick. And for me its unacceptable for others not to help out.

But I have to change. I have to be able to tell others that they have to help instead of just expecting them to pick up a broom and get to work. I just don't want to sound like a nagging person. But I realize that others simply don't have the same priorities that I do. And this is a difficult pill to swallow, kind of. Never assume that someone knows how you feel. How can they? People can't read minds. You can read a room. You can read someone's body language. But unless you let them tell you what the hell is going on inside their head, you can only assume. And circular thoughts of assumptions lead to misunderstandings. Lack of communication period will break up a relationship.

I need to get better at saying what I want. What I need, and what I expect. That is what has made trouble in the past with roommates. I just have such an ungodly fear of hurting other people's feelings. A real fear that is as real for me as a natural disaster is real to the residences of that area. This debilitating fear of rejection, and fear of disappointing others can no longer be an excuse for me not to move forward with growing as an individual. And self reflection takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of work. But if we never strive to get better ... we never will.

But I've had only 25% control of the cleanliness of my house so far. With myself usually being the only person who cleans out of the 4 people who used to be there, its easy to feel out of control, hopeless, constantly stepping on wires, dirt, dust, and trash and dirt absolutely out of control. I was the only person cleaning routinely for the past 2 years basically. No one else seems to put cleanliness as a priority except for me. It simply felt like no one cared. And I thought no one cared on purpose. That they didn't care about me. I thought that since the house was never cleaned, it was all up to me.

But at what cost?

Its possible to keep a spotless home, or at the very least a tidy home, but everyone has to be on board.

Oh. And did I mention? My house has been a construction zone for the past two years with people constantly moving in and out of it. I helped purchase the house, but I have had zero control over the residents.

I grew up with a manipulative narrsacistic mother, a misunderstood dad who was never there because he was always at work, and a single brother who turned to bullying as a way to deal with what he was going through growing up. There were always feelings of I am not good enough. I am not a good enough student. I am not a good enough daughter. I was always trying to please others, and dealt with more mental abuse than you can shake a stick at. Its enough that I wrote journal after journal so I'd never forget about the unfairness exacted on me, horrific stories that would make you want to put your fist through the wall.

The bullying and constantly being told that my emotions and thoughts were wrong, and then told how I should be thinking, forced me into thoughts that self harm and mutilation is acceptable. Its really not okay to be treated that way. Because if I'm not doing something right I should be punished. I have since identified this as an irrational thought. But this was just a dip into my past reality. No one can ever scream at me and abuse me the way that I have done to myself. Because I expect it now. Before, I was okay with that. That was normal for me.

When I GTFO of my moms house in 2007, she called the cops on me because she thought, correctly, that I was running away. For me, it always takes someone else who cares about me, to tell me, no. The way that your mom treated you was wrong. My friends have told me, previous boyfriends, and even their entire families have told me what an abusive dysfunctional family I have suffered through as I was raised.

You know what makes me laugh? My mom is so caught up in herself that she cannot see how she's hurt me. She tells me that my previous boyfriends manipulated me and brainwashed me into thinking that she was the bad guy. Which wasn't true. I ran because I needed to get the hell out of toxicity at any cost or I was going to cut too deep one day and that would have been the end of it. Had I stayed in that situation. There was so much injustice that I was suffering, that when my chance came to not only get a college degree and move forward with my own life, I took it. Moving out in the middle of the night, not telling my mom where I was going. Getting married so that I could put myself through college, which I did. Taking my favorites with me and gaining guardianship of my best friend who was 16, and moving her out of a toxic situation as well. I picked everyone up that I cared about, and with the three grand that I had saved from working Monday-Friday since I was 15, I took others with me. I helped others start their life over. I helped give myself and others, that second chance that they were so desperately in need of. I saved a life. And I will never take that back or change my mind that leaving the best decision that I ever made in my life.

With one roommate out the door for new beginnings, and the second one about to venture off on great adventures, I will have only two weeks to have the house to myself for the first time since I bought it two years ago. My life partner and I will be alone in the house with just our pets, and dreams. I am greatly looking forward to it.

I plan to clean the house spotless before his family moves back in with us, two weeks after everyone has left. Honestly though I am very excited to have his family stay with us. His sister is super smart, retired Navy, and has a brilliant mind that is second to none. Her husband is a happy go lucky go getter that doesn't mind sacrificing a day to help me go run errands. He is able to keep most of the things on my list in his head, and its amazing because this means that I'm not forgetting a butt ton at the store. Their daughter is a cunning little angel. She's super smart. 4? I think?

I'd really like to take them to a park once it warms up and do some professional photos for them. They have a beautiful family! And some of the kindest coolest people I've ever met.

His sister is interesting to talk to. She has a mindset that is very different than mine, and very logical based, where I have a very intuition based mindset. She illuminates points of view, that are refreshing, feministic, and not selfish, but thinking of yourself first, which is what I am trying to work on.

My brother in law once told me I needed to stop being passive aggressive. I'm working on that.

I think his sister is a very good role model for me, and I look up to her because my brain is always flooded with how I can take care of everyone else, and while she has a kind heart and good morals, she always looks out for herself and family first. This is different than what I do, which I'd like to change. Because It is difficult for me to think of myself first at all. Except the bare minimum.

For people like me, I have heard, it can be difficult to relax. It can be easy to get overwhelmed because I flood my brain with a list of tasks half a mile long, and think of others worries more so than my own. My old way of thinking was, if I make them happy, and help solve their issues, they'll be happy and that will make me happy. But this is a flawed way of thinking I am realizing.

Don't judge me. We all learn life lessons at different times in our lives. I have had a lifetime of poor inner thought process that I finally feel like I have the tools I need for self recovery, and reprogramming my brain.

It has been a hard past year. Many, many dramatic changes, heart break, and suffering. Many many tears have been shed, bonds have been strengthened, people have been pushed to learn lessons they haven't learned yet either. Not just me. We've all changed. We've all grown. The difference between me and everyone else is, I'm ready to become a better version of myself through self reflection, not succumbing to negative self talk, but shaping my mind to be more positive instead of me just mentally putting myself down. I'm using tools like, meditation, exercise, positive self talk, gratitude, routine, spending time with myself for myself, music, writing out thoughts, and getting enough sleep, which I aim for 7 hours a night. Sometimes I make it sometimes I don't.

But these are the tools that anyone can use to help them feel better and improve themselves. I highly recommend using these tools which when you realize that if you take care of yourself and listen to your inner voice, and take control of your feelings ... it's the recipe for happiness.

[love-mom17]

8/20/2020

****TRIGGER WARNING***

Please dont read if you cannot deal with reading bloody details or anything with a miscarriage.

Soooo here i am. I am feeling a lot better! I had a lot going on with my health and mental being and i just needed some time to myself. 

SOOOO lets go back a little to let you know what went down this month... ON monday aug. 3rd i was confirmed that i was going through another miscarriage. Even though i wanted to believe that this was all a mistake. I knew it wasnt. I didnt cry during my appointment. I was kind of expecting this to happen even though i wished it wasnt that way.  My sac had collapsed completely. THere was no sight of anything.  I was prescribed Misoprostol that same day and i decided to take it right after my appointment. I had 4 pills that i had to take every 6 hrs to help move the process along. 

I finished my last dose on Aug. 4th (tuesday) i had some clots come down and since i wasnt that far along i thought that was end of it. i was spotting off and on for the next few days. Friday night came along and i was just about to leave my parents house. I started to have some cramps. they werent bad but im a little bitch when it comes to cramps. 

My parents were just like stay here and let the pain pass through and i was like naaa I want to be at home. I wanted to cry all my emotions where everywhere at this point. I left and here i am on my way home. A 30 minute drive that felt like HELL!!!! The cramps became more intense and i was crying the whole way home. I had a maxi pad on and i was able to feel it the blood just gushing out of me. My son was asleep and i wanted to yell!!!!! In that drive home i had felt a good 4-5 blood gushes coming out of me... I took my son out and tried to carry him out but I was in so much pain I couldnt do it with out making too much noise. I layed him down and i layed with him a bit so that he wouldnt wake up... To my surprise i was not able to lay down with him. I felt so much pressure down there that i felt like my uterus was going to burst. Since i wasnt able to get him to go sleep again after i laid him down , I rushed to the restroom and here I am. Just bleeding like crazy. With every contraction i had i was squirting out blood and blood clots. The pain was unbearable. My husband was working and here i am home alone with my son.

All im thinking is im having a hemorrhage. I’m soaking through my maxi pads so fast that I didnt know what to do. I called my parents to rush over here to help me go to the ER. I was trying to remain calm because i didnt want to pass out on my son and for him to freak out. By the time my parents got there i had already changed my pad 4 times (IN 30 MINUTES). I went to the closest ER to me and they took me in. The guy that took my vitals and my intake pissed me off because he had the nerve to say that “Exactly thats what the medication does to you, Thats normal. Your going to have a lot of pain and pass blood clots. Its normal!” It was the way he said it that triggered me. Making me look like if i was just there to waste their time. So I said “So you are going to tell me that its normal to soak 4 Maxi pads in less than 30 minutes? You assuming before knowing doesnt make you look that bright” Apparently, the doctor was listening and as soon as he heard me say that he stepped in and took me with him and gathered the rest of my information. I was taken to do another ultrasound and blood work. I was feeling sooo dizzy after they took my blood. 

Im not one to faint after a blood draw. But i was soo weak. They confirmed with me that i had a small hemorrhage and that  I had not lost a lot of blood to need a transfusion. My bleeding at this point was starting to slow down. They stated that i had not passed that sac yet. It was still sitting in my cervix canal. I had to get another dose of the medication. through out that  week, i was bleeding normal and sure enough the weekend came again and its Aug. 9th 2am, having cramps. I was trying to sleep it off but when they got strong it would wake me up. Finally i took some pain meds after my pharmacy took forever to get my medication ready!!!! I ran some errands and i figured it would help me walk around to help me pass the sac. Its 5:30pm and im standing in line at Winco. When i feel this gush of blood come down and i felt something just sitting at the opening of my vagina. My pad kept it from coming out and my husband was outside dealing with my son because he was throwing his fit. I finish paying and it was so uncomfortable to walk. I tried to sit down in the car and i couldnt. It felt so weird and i told my husband to drive...I get home and walked as fast as i could to the restroom and i pull down my pants and there it was... the SAC!!!!  

With everything that went down i couldn't even process what was all happening emotionally. That whole week after i was a wreck. I was angry and sad. I wanted to cry and yell and punch shit. My friend Jenn reached out to me and it was a while since i reached out to anyone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Since then, Ive been able to cope with it better. But i can feel it that it lingers on and im just trying avoid it. Im not planning on trying again any time soon. I dont want to think about it. Im too scared of all of this to happen again. My first miscarriage went a lot smoother than this time. This time was just so scary....

[enlightened-leader-success-vault]

ENERGY – Are You Making The Most Of Yours?

When you are feeling at your most alive – raring to go and full of passion and energy – what are you doing?

When you feel tired and out of sorts, pulled down and exhausted what is at the bottom of your lack of energy?

You might think that for each person the answer would be entirely different and at one level that is in fact true.  However there is a common underlying principle to both the positive and negative scenarios.

The things which de-energize us are very likely to come from one or more of the following:

Carrying around emotional baggage.  

When we fail to deal with negative issues which leave a residue of a negative emotion such as anger, fear, hate, loneliness, frustration, disappointment, jealousy or bitterness those emotions take energy.  

If we try to suppress those emotions rather than deal with the underlying causes it takes enormous energy to keep them locked away.   My metaphor for these is the dragon in the box.  Once the lid comes off it can feel as though it will be impossible to put it back on again.  Some clients will say “I can’t afford to cry because if I do I won’t be able to stop” or “If I admit to being angry it will be real and I won’t be able to control it any more”

The paradox is that it takes far more energy to avoid dealing with these negative emotions than it does to tackle the underlying problem itself.

If you are finding it difficult to let go there are a number of techniques which can help enormously.  You may find it helpful to work with a coach, some techniques can be found in this months recommended read.

In-completions

By that I mean all those things which we know we should have done / be doing but haven’t.  It could be a simple as tackling the ironing, making a phone call to someone, or as complicated as complete overwhelm because we are drowning under acres of work and we simply cannot work out where to start.

The brain is constantly sending us little reminders that we still haven’t completed things, jogging our consciences and making us feel bad about ourselves.

The solution is to create a “To Do” list which is constructed in such a way as to make each small task achievable. Celebrate that achievement.  Prioritize the things on your action list.  Be realistic. If we can’t do it now then putting a date in the diary to do it – AND STICKING TO YOUR PROMISE TO DO IT can enable you to get things done more effectively.

All or nothing syndrome

Hand in hand with the in-completions goes the human condition that so many of us suffer from, that is all or nothing syndrome. By that I mean that if we can’t do it all we’ll do nothing.

When I learned about this the example Topher Morrison used was of house work.  A gentleman wants to get fit.  He sets himself the target of exercising six days a week for 50 minutes each day.  Day one arrives, he is caught up at work so cannot fit in the 50 minutes.  He thinks to himself – no worries I’ll do it tomorrow.  Tomorrow comes; the train is late so he misses his session again.  He then thinks to himself there is no point in doing anything this week as I can’t get my six sessions in.  I’ll start again on Monday.  Week by week something gets in the way of six fifty minute sessions so he does nothing.  

The need to get fit niggles away at the back if his mind – as an incompletion.  

One strategy is to create a target where it is impossible to fail.  Ten minutes exercise once a week.  Completing the task gives a sense of completion which is in itself energizing. The likelihood is that once the exercise session is actually started it will end up being longer than ten minutes. Exercise releases endorphins in the brain which are the body’s natural feel good chemical.  If you feel good after doing exercise then you are far more likely to repeat the process.

Insomnia

Not being able to sleep well is a very common problem.  For some it as a problem for an odd night, which can be irritating but it causes only a transitory problem.  For others it is a debilitating because night after night sleep eludes them.  Long tem insomnia can impact negatively on health and longevity and has a huge impact on the sufferer’s energy levels and sense of wellbeing.

The solution to the problem may be different for each person and will require some experimentation.  In the first instance it is sensible to try to identify the root cause although that is not always obvious.   You may need the help of your Doctor to eliminate physical causes like sleep apnea. Dealing with negative emotions is a good place to start if there is no obvious physical cause.

You are what you eat

I find some of my clients will report lack of energy as being an issue for them.  When we look at their diet I sometimes find that it simply cannot sustain a healthy body and sense of well being.  Snatched meals often made up of junk food, and/or eaten very late at night will over time impact negatively on energy levels.  

Once a healthy balanced diet and taking time to eat at sensible times is established their energy levels shoot up.  Part of a healthy diet should be ensuring you remain hydrated by drinking plenty of water.  Dehydration will leave you feeling lethargic and unwell.

Think of your food as fuel.  To run a high octane racing car you would use a top quality fuel.  Your body is no different.

Giving yourself the time to eat in a relaxed way will also impact positively on your energy levels.

Creating Positive Energy comes from other things too

Doing something you feel passionate about

When we are engaged in doing something we love it creates a sense of enthusiasm and energy.  When was the last time you did something you were passionate about? What was it?  What is it that makes it so special?  When and how can you create more opportunities to engage again?

Making a real difference

When we feel that we a truly making a difference whether it is to others, animal welfare or the environment it has a positive impact of our sense of self worth, that in turn boosts our energy levels and makes us feel valued and energized.  What interests you?  How can you make a real difference to others?  

Try making a random act of kindness to a stranger every day.  Expect nothing in return. It doesn’t matter how big or small, letting a car out of a side street, carrying someone’s bag, giving of your time and energy.  Just monitor how it makes you feel.

Go out of your way to make someone smile, try talking to someone in the lift rather than staring into space.  Say hello to a stranger in the street.  Each small but positive action can add to your pot of personal energy.

Using imagery to create energy

You can think your way to greater energy. Think of a time when you felt at your very best, full of energy.  Close your eyes and imagine you are in that moment.  

Let your mind see what ever it sees.  Think of the colours and textures.  Are they bright or dull, close to or far away, moving or still?  

Hear what you hear – are the noises loud or soft, low or high, melodious or discordant?

Feel what you feel – what sensation is it?  Does it have a shape?  Where is it, is it moving or still, heavy or light, hot or cold?

Immerse yourself in the sensations of that moment; pay close attention to how it is to be so full of energy.  Imagine the sensations are only at 20% Turn the sensation up gradually until it is at 100%.

Finally one of the best ways of being energized is to have fun, to laugh and be playful.

Laughter, fun and playfulness

Laughter is a wonderful tonic.  When we laugh we breathe deeply oxygenating the brain and releasing endorphins.  The result is a hugely increased energy level.  When was the last time you had fun and laughed long and hard? Research has shown laughter has incredible benefits to general health and particularly on the immune system.

How often are you playful – taking life less seriously?  We all have a child in us who can be incredibly energizing if we allow them to be. I know that life us a serious business but with out the lighter side of life it is all too easy to become bowed down under the pressure.

Plan to do something different in the next few days. Notice what happens when you create the opportunity to try something different, to laugh and have some fun.

[mcjour]

LOL so yesterday i was showering and wow i hate showering cuz i can’t stop thinking about it... nothing to distract me i guess.

so i was thinking about the same stuff as last week, about our friendship and about race and idk all of it

one thing i have been thinking a lot about is k.... i think i need “closure” (?) with her. idk i don’t like the word closure because ideally we would continue to have a relationship of some kind (after all... she’s a reference for me LOL). but i need to process what happened last year with her. 

like what the hell did she think was going on? did she see things for what they were? or was a huge chunk missing? and what does she know or think now? like did she hear about/ read what i posted? why didn’t she do anything to help me? (or did she try and get shut down and that’s why i don’t know?) (lol i know she kind of tried to help me once but about something so dumb) 

it’s terrifying to think about though, like what if she doesn’t “side” with me, doesn’t believe me, thinks i was wrong. that would destroy me, and take away someone so important to me. as it stands, without talking to her, it’s like schrodingers cat. 

one thing i wish was that i had better language about what was happening back then. i feel like if i had say “look i am stuck in a ptsd flashback and i need to go home” that would have held more weight than “i feel bad and need to go home” you know? but i hate that i get caught up in those little details? would it have made any significant difference? so maybe they would’ve let me go home that day (or! the night before!). but that wouldn’t have changed the toxic conditions i had been working in. that would’ve just changed that day/ week. maybe i wouldn’t have gotten fired. idk. but it’s so stupid to get caught up in these what ifs when realistically i should’ve been quitting.

so i specifically thought about that morning. that night had been so awful. i felt so so so sick (but i could tell it was emotional- not physically ill). and i had the fucking weirdest vivid bad dream about me hurting myself. i had trouble breathing in the morning too. so i was like FUCK i need help. i went to the main area early because i knew k would be there and i needed to talk to her. she was hanging out with n, which was kind of awkward to beg for help, but i didn’t care much about that. but i just had so much anxiety about asking for help, and i can’t remember what held me back, if it was just that social anxiety, or if i was afraid of being hospitalized (L M A O), or what. but k was the one person i trusted and i think that she could’ve done something... whether she got me the fuck out of there or just checked in on me later in the day... idk.

waitt......... i just realized....... i do not think a single person checked in on me

i said my mental health was so bad that i needed to LEAVE immediately... and nobody..... checked up later?

like ok, i would NOT expect anyone to check in during that activity, that would’ve been highly inappropriate in my opinion. but like??? not after???????

and i was soooo fucking sick!

like not even a big thing!!! just a hey how are you doing now!!!! or delegate to someone to do that. oh my god. it took me over a year to realize this.

LMAO so either they straight up didn’t care and/or they thought i was faking or??? what????? even if i didn’t have the language to be like “hey this is serious and this is ptsd” like ??? wouldn’t you check in?? (did anyone notice i wasn’t at lunch either)

NO wonder i was fired when nobody even stopped to ask what the fuck was going on

what an absolute slap in the face of you don’t matter

which makes what happened the next week even more ridiculous-- i was hardly worse on monday than friday.. but suddenly i needed to be hospitalized?? maybe if you had listened to me on friday it wouldn’t have escalated..... jfc. why didn’t you take me seriously on friday??? 

it. was. preventable.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i’m mad

and sad

and this wasn’t even the point i was trying to make??????????? lol i got off track and made new bad realizations! fun!

to the original point: me in the shower. thinking about how i should talk to k.

i was thinking about how hard that would be, but how i would have better language to use now, but that i wouldn’t even know where to start. 

because obviously it wasn’t just the retreat... there was so much that led up to that. 

but when i tried to think back to like “well what DID happen?” and like in that moment i truly could not remember anything!!!

and if i don’t remember anything then there is nothing i can tell her and therefore cannot “prove” my point at all and what is the point of that

it’s tough, having the memories come in and out. because that kinda combines with the gaslighting. and then you really have no idea what the hell happened and you kind of wonder like maybe it was something big or maybe i did overreact or i just really don’t know

so anyway, in that moment in the shower, i was not remembering anything. and i just suddenly started sobbing??? it was very weird???? i’m glad nobody else was home (besides my cat). i mean it wasn’t very loud sobbing but it also wasn’t quiet either. i did have some music playing as i showered so maybe that would’ve covered it up a bit or at least mixed with it lol. but it was just very confusing. i wasn’t really sure what the sobbing was attributed to (and i still don’t know) so it felt out of nowhere. i mean, of course it wasn’t TOTALLY out of nowhere, clearly i was thinking a lot about this traumatic situation, but it did not feel like anything specific had triggered that, it just kind of happened. 

i was p much done showering when that happened but i had to lengthen my already long shower to get that under control lol

ok i’m still stuck on my ~new realization~. it’s hard to articulate. how conveninent for them, i guess. that i can tell them i am struggling one day and they somehow chalk it up to me not being able to confront my privilege?? and then exactly one week later say well actually never mind you are so mentally ill you can’t work. like ??????? bitch i tried to tell you that last week lol. sprinkle some verbal abuse in there too

[avaalons]

Chris Evans Fic: Hiking and Hypocrisy (Chapter 3)

This now has a section in my masterlist and I’ll keep the links updated.

Monday was struggle, Tuesday got a little easier and by Wednesday you were back in the full swing of being a high school teacher. Days were non-stop at school: there was always something happening or something that needed your attention so you didn’t have too much time to think about a certain weekend event cropping up on the horizon.

The kids made you forget all of the frustrations of the weekend too. You really did love your job. Yeah, it was hard work and long hours, and like any humans, teenagers had their bad days, but you did your best to understand that and not be the hard ass, unapproachable teacher everyone outside of teaching assumed you must be. A lot of kids just needed attention, especially if they didn’t get much at home.

So, when one of your students hung back at the end of class on Friday after everyone else had filtered out, your caregiver-sense kicked in and you knew something was wrong. This was one of your best and brightest sophomores, a great young lady with her head screwed on right, and you had a definite soft spot for her. She was confident, sure of herself, wasn’t swayed by the popular crowd but seemed to get on with all her peers.

‘Are you waiting for me, Amber? Everything okay?’

‘Yeah, I just…’ she trailed off, obviously unsure where to start. Now you were looking at her, she seemed pale, dark circles under her eyes, and was missing the usual positive spark she carried with her.

‘Is it school or…?’ You gently tried a couple of questions to get this girl, who clearly had something she wanted to get off her chest. ‘Do you want to sit down?’

She did sit and you rolled your chair around the other side of your desk so it was less formal.

‘School’s fine. It’s not school. Look, can you promise not to tell anyone?’

‘Amber… if it’s something that I feel means you are in danger, I have to pass on my concerns, and you need to know that,’ you always had to be straight to the point with students. Safeguarding the welfare of the students you teach was part of your job.

She shook her head, ‘I’m not in danger. I… uh… you know I have a boyfriend, right?’

You have one slow nod and a small smile to reassure her, ‘I don’t make a habit of getting involved in my students’ love lives but I was aware, yes. He’s a senior, yes?’

‘Yeah. Well, we…,’ she looked down at her hands, picking at her nails and you had a fairly good idea what was coming, ‘…we… you know, did it for the first time last weekend and now I… I don’t know…’

Your ‘safety-first’ instincts kicked in and you had to make sure a few things were okay before you could tackle the emotional side.

‘Okay, well, I just need answers to a couple of questions before we talk more. So, was it consensual? Did you both want to have sex?’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Amber looked up then, the ice broken now the word ‘sex’ was out in the open. ‘Totally.’

‘Okay, and there wasn’t any pressure or anything?’

‘No, I’d kind of decided a long time ago I think and this weekend… well an opportunity just presented itself.’

You breathed a sigh of relief mentally, knowing that any more sinister possibilities were not on the table here.

‘And you were safe? Birth control pill? Condom?’

‘Both,’ Amber gave a definitive nod. Second sigh of relief. Mentally, of course. It was important to remain neutral in front of students who were disclosing. But in your head: smart girl.

‘All right, so now we’ve got those things out of the way, what did you particularly want to talk about?’

‘I don’t have anyone to talk to it about. I absolutely cannot go to my parents, and I don’t really want anyone at school to know, but I feel like… I don’t know. I’ve just gone from being… me… to being someone that has… sex. Like I’m just supposed to have sex now? All the time? Will I never see my boyfriend again without having sex with him?’

She was starting to talk faster and you felt the need to calm her down.

‘Hey, Amber, breathe. The easy answer to those questions is that you only have sex when you want to have sex. If you never want to have sex again, you don’t have to. There shouldn’t be any expectation there, and if you are ever feeling pressured into it then know that the problem isn’t you and head in the opposite direction.’

‘I know that, I do. I’m smart enough to look after myself and I thought I was ready for that step and now… I just feel so different. Like my identity has changed.’

You could see tears filling up in her eyes and you could tell this had been weighing on her.

‘Amber, you’re still you. You’re still a smart girl. Having sex doesn’t make you less smart, I promise,’ she let out a little laugh at that, ‘And feeling like this doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision or you weren’t ready. Feeling like this is totally normal. Do you feel like you regret it?’

Amber thought for a moment, considering your question.

‘No, I don’t think so. I guess I feel like… like I should regret it.’

You nodded. Jesus, navigating dating and sex was hard enough for teenagers, never mind the whole taboo nature of it, especially for girls. Amber’s biggest problem was not that anything was actually wrong, but that she felt some weird guilt for… there not being anything wrong?

‘If you don’t regret it, you don’t. You don’t have to. In fact, it’s preferable that you don’t! Don’t feel like you should. You’ve made sure it was right for you, and that’s the most important thing. Have you talked to your boyfriend about it?’

She shook her head, ‘I didn’t… want him to think I did regret it or to make a big deal out of it.’

‘Was it his first time too?

She nodded.

‘Then it’s likely he’s feeling the same way, so seeing as you two seem to have been trying to make pretty sensible decisions about most things up to now, I think you should try talking to him about it, don’t you.’

She nodded again, with a smile this time, ‘Thanks. A lot. I didn’t… I didn’t know who to talk to.’

‘Well, you did the right thing by finding someone. Any time you have questions, I’ll be right here, okay?’

‘Thanks. Again. Will you have to report this?’

‘Only to the school counsellor, but I promise no one will ask questions unless you want them to. I’ll continue to be your ‘trusted’ member of staff if you like?’ You put air quotes around trusted, just so it didn’t seem all so formal and like a big deal.

Amber collected her bag from the floor, ‘Yeah, I’d prefer that.’

‘Okay, I’ll set that up. Is there anything else you needed?

‘No, I feel so much better just having got all of that off my chest.’

‘Okay Amber, I’ll see you Monday,’ you called after her as she left through your classroom door.

***

Nina popped her head in at the end of the day, ‘Everything okay today?’

‘Yeah, just had a monster of a day and a student needing some advice.’

‘Like counsellor-report worthy?’ Nina asked, referring to the forms you needed to fill in if a student made a disclosure.

‘Yeah. It’s done though, didn’t take long.’

Nina made a noise of acknowledgement and then moved on to other small talk, ‘Doing anything exciting this weekend?’

‘Uhhh, not much, just hi- oh shit!’

‘What?!’

‘I’m hiking tomorrow with some friends and their kids and I totally forgot about it until now.’

What you really meant was you’d forgotten to tell Chris what he needed to get hold of for it, or tell him where he needed to go for the hike.

‘Day hike or camping out?’ Nina asked as you fish out your phone from your handbag.

‘Just the day. The kids could probably cope with camping now but the adults… not so much. You doing anything good?’

You opened up a new message and began tapping away at a list and a location before selecting ‘Chris E’ and pressing send and dropping the device back in your bag.

‘No, just having a relaxed one this weekend, especially after the mess of the last one.’

‘Oh god, agreed. Fresh air is definitely what I need this weekend!’ You didn’t mention the part about having to see Chris again after your show down last Saturday.

‘Well, have a good one and I’ll see you Monday.’

‘You too, see you Monday,’ you called after Nina as she left.

All that was left was for you to pack your things up and head home, contemplating just how awkward it was going to be tomorrow.

***

You spent your evening packing your bag and preparing a lunch and snacks for the next day. You took a bath and tried to force yourself into a state of calm and rationalise the situation. Yeah, it would be awkward, but nothing really bad would happen. It wasn’t life or death, after all, and you’d have Mackie and Sheletta and the boys there to be buffers, unknowingly of course.

It was only as you were getting ready for bed that you retrieved your phone to put it on charge and remembered that you’d messaged Chris earlier. He hadn’t replied. Maybe you wouldn’t even see him tomorrow after all. He won’t have had time to get his kit together. You thought nothing of it and settled down to get a good night’s sleep, needing lots of energy for tomorrow’s activities.

But sleep didn’t come easily and you started checking the weather for the next day for the millionth time, praying that heavy rain would stop the plans going ahead, but no, wall to wall sunshine. And eventually, inevitably, you found yourself typing ‘Chris Evans’ into Google.

***

When your alarm went off the next morning, you were groggy, on your back with your phone on your chest. You must have fallen asleep during your Googling session. You’d had weird dreams that flowed into one another, sometimes featuring Chris but he was always kind of watery and just out of reach, but you knew he was always laughing at you, then other times about Amber, but it wasn’t actually her - your subconscious knew it was but she had someone else’s face. Her comments about losing her identity had irked you a little you thought, now that you’d mulled it over in your dreams. Was she right in some way? Did your identity change? Did that decision making process of who you chose to sleep with cause some shift in your character? Amber was just a young woman, at the very beginning of her life, had sex once, and even she had those fears. It lead you to uncomfortable memories from the past that you’d long since buried.

You shook it off, determined to put those strange thoughts from your mind, and set about methodically preparing for your day, remembering that you were the most experienced hiker in a group of adults and children, so both their safety and their enjoyment mainly lay with you.

Certain you had everything you needed, you set off in your car for the meeting point and the start of the trail. The day was gorgeous: blue skies, just a couple of non-threatening fluffy clouds hanging delicately in the air, and the sun was warm but not sweltering. There was a slight, freshening breeze and conditions were perfect. You’d checked the weather again before you left, just to make sure there hadn’t been any changes and had decided that today would actually be fun. It would be what you made it, right? So if you were having fun, there would be no room for irritation or exasperation.

It was a good hour’s drive to the start of the trail. There were closer trails but this one was the best for a day hike. It was a good eight hours and had fairly well maintained paths, so was suitable for first timers and the kids, plus it had lots of impressive scenery and, your favourite part, some of the way was down the side of a gorge with the most beautiful river flowing through. You’d been coming here for a long time, and despite a break of about three years where you didn’t dare touch your feet to the ground here, you did eventually come back, like a bird returning to its nest, and you felt like you could breathe again.

You pulled into the small gravel parking spot that had been fashioned to avoid the hikers having to park on the road and saw that the Mackies’ car wasn’t here yet, just a couple of other cars with a few people gathered around them, loading up for their own hikes. Having chosen a space and put the car in park, you hunted out your phone to see if you’d heard from Mackie or Sheletta and what you saw there made your heart plummet.

Sheletta: Hey honey, I know you’ll be driving so I didn’t want to call but the boys have come down with the worst stomach flu and we won’t be able to make it to the hike today. They’re disappointed but they’ve just got no energy and I’m worried they’d get dehydrated. I know this won’t stop you going though so enjoy yourself without us holding you back! See you soon beautiful xxx

The initial sting of disappointment ebbed away as you realised Letta was right: you did this by yourself all the time anyway. But the second you’d finished reading, there was a tap at your window and you snapped your head towards of the source of the noise, and what you saw there just made your heart plummet all over again.

Chris. In stupid sunglasses and a stupid cap (Guns n Roses? Really?). Of course. Of course he would still be here.

You wound the window down somewhat reluctantly but still feeling a little guilty for the scene you’d made last weekend.

‘I take it you’ve got Sheletta’s message?’ was the first thing he said. Not so much as a hello. But you weren’t really at the ‘small talk’ stage in your acquaintance, you supposed.

‘Yep, just now. Stomach flu.’

Chris nodded, ‘Weird. They seemed fine yesterday.’

He saw them yesterday?

‘I suppose it’s just one of those sudden things. Or a twenty four hour bug. Or a bout of food poisoning.’

Chris’ brow furrowed at the last suggestion, ‘Oh god, I hope not. I took them out for dinner last night.’

He what now? What was he doing taking the Mackie boys out for dinner on a Friday? And, more to the point, did their parents really think he was suitable company for their kids?

‘Nothing to be done about it now. Annoying for you that you drove all this way though. Guess you’re not short of things to do on a Saturday though, right?’ You brushed him off, ready for him to get out of here so you could begin your day.

‘Are you going home too?’ His head cocked to one side in that annoying way he liked, it felt like he was weighing you up every time he did it.

‘And waste this beautiful day? No way. I’m ready for a hike so I’ll do it.’

‘I was hoping you’d say that,’ he grinned, ‘I’m coming with you.’

And before you could respond, he’d disappeared from your window. You scrabbled to unbuckle yourself from the seatbelt and almost fell out of the car in your hurry. Looking around for him, you spotted him over the other side of the parking lot, just about to open his trunk. You broke out into a run just as he opened it and a beautiful red and white dog emerged from within. Chris caught his lead as he hopped down into the gravel. The sight of you running caught Chris’ eye and he turned towards you.

‘I brought my dog, you see, and you wouldn’t want to let him down now, would you? Meet Dodger,’ he gestured towards him, knowing he’d played his cards right.

You knelt down instantly, unable to resist such a happy canine, and he launched himself at you, overjoyed to have a new friend to say hello to. You ruffled the fur around his face, and tickled him under his chin, laughing when he stilled and stretched his neck up to get the most out of it.

‘He’s gorgeous. You had him from a pup?’ You asked, genuinely interested.

‘No, he’s a rescue. I couldn’t resist him.’

Chris Evans adopts rescue dogs, apparently. Today was just full of surprises.

‘He’s got a lovely nature for a rescue,’ you conceded, because he did and you knew that wasn’t always the case with rescues.

‘Well, it took some work at the beginning, and he was a little shy and timid, and basically shook for a week, but you’d never know it now,’ Chris explained.

‘No… definitely not,’ you didn’t look up at him, transfixed as you were on the dog.

Eventually though, you remembered where you were and who you were with and stood up.

‘Look Chris, I appreciate you came all the way out here with Dodger and everything but we were only being thrown together because of Mackie and he’s not here so…’

You trailed off when you saw Chris pulling a large backpack out of his trunk and shouldering it, tin water bowl hanging from one side.

‘Nah, I’m coming with you,’ he spoke confidently, definitively.

‘But… but why?’ You could hear the pitch of your voice getting higher as he closed his trunk.

He leant forward towards you and spoke lowly, ‘Firstly, like I told you, I love getting outdoors and wanted to do the whole hiking thing. Secondly, my dog’s here expecting some good exercise and I’m not about to be the worst dog dad in the world by showing him all this forest and greenery and then packing him back in the car and returning him to the city. Thirdly, because you’re determined not to like me, and I’m determined to make you see that I’m not what you think I am.’

He let that sink in for a moment, leaving you to ponder his words as he adjusted Dodger’s collar before continuing.

‘Plus, I think Mackie’s Parent Trapped us and he’s clearly gone to a lot of effort to pull this off so I think I owe it to him to carry it out. Besides, I didn’t want to pull this card but I did lie for you and told Mackie you were a pretty cool girl once you let your guard down,’ he began walking back towards your car, little rust bucket that it was compared to his sleek, shiny number, ‘Come on Dodge, let’s go help the nice lady with her bag.’

You could do nothing but scamper after him in bewilderment as he whistled, a picture of cool nonchalance. Was this guy just a serious glutton for punishment? If so, there were probably a few things he need to talk to his therapist about.

He clearly wasn’t going anywhere so you were just going to have to spend the day ignoring him and enjoying your walk alone. You had your headphones, you could just soundtrack your walk with your favourite music and pretend he wasn’t there. He’d probably get bored after an hour anyway and want to turn back, at which point you’d send him back in the right direction and continue on your merry way.

So you opened your trunk, grabbed your things and locked up, slamming the doors a little more forcefully than entirely necessary, and headed towards where the path begun without so much as a word to Chris. If he was going to insist on doing this, you didn’t need to make it a comfortable experience for him. Just as you reached the start, you spun around to find Chris and Dodger following you obediently.

‘Just for the record, what I think is that you’re a spoiled, egotistical brat who thinks everyone should be grateful for your mere presence and who can’t take no for an answer, so up to now, you’re doing a stellar job of proving me one hundred per cent right.’

You took a deep breath and turned on your heel, seeing the path stretching out ahead of you. It was going to be a long day.

‘You haven’t locked your car up,’ you threw over your shoulder, words still clipped and angry. You might not like the guy but you wouldn’t wish having a car stolen on anyone.

‘It locks itself when I’m far enough away with my key. It’s got a sensor,’ he called back from behind you.

You paused and shook your head slightly, closing your eyes to remember to breathe before cursing under your breath, ‘Of course it fucking does.’

[kristikida-blog]

Cancer

I hope to write more of this but I’m starting here. Maybe I’ll backtrack. But here we are 2.5 weeks into radiation. I think that we,as women, are expected to just do what we are told in regard to breast cancer. Once diagnosed and out In the world were told to be “strong” and “kick its ass” and that we’re fighters. We are. We’re woman. We’ve been fighting since the womb. Maybe I’ll feel different in 2.5 more weeks. Maybe I’ll feel like I fought something. I know I’ll not feel like I’ve “won” anything for all this fighting but a life that has now been pretty much irrevocably changed by cancer. My body will never feel the same. And right now I don’t know if I will ever heal mentally from this. I’m at the mid way point on this radiation and I will tell you that Even now I would absolutely give up this fight and walk away from these last two weeks without even a second thought. I do not want to do this anymore, at all, even if for only another 2.5 weeks. For those who say it’s at the end and it’s not that bad? They lied. Radiation so far has just made me wish I had the mastectomy because no breast at all has to be better than chicken fried burnt nerve damaged breast. No one is doing anyone any favors by lying about how shitty radiation is. It IS a big fucking deal. Perspective time- yes maybe if I hadn’t been lucky enough to skip chemo I’d be so grateful that part was over that this radiation nonsense might seem like a breeze. It probably is after going through the hell that is chemo. But the ones who have to do the chemo must be way stronger than me because I can’t begin to imagine how shitty that is. I applaud you for wanting your life so badly. Personally, I’d be in Mexico with a new identity trying to actually live a better life without fighting this bitch because I’m not made of that strong stuff. No. Fucking. Way. But that’s the worst thing about the cancer. Every step is one shitty step further into it but no one lets you know just exactly how shitty it is and you do it because they tell you you have to. No one wants you to know the truth. I will. Because I came into this disease with an even bigger disease on my plate. I have MDD, have attempted suicide while perfectly “healthy” and not a whole lot of will to carry the big torch of getting through cancer. Everyone wants to give you a medal for that but no one gave me a medal after barely making it through 10 years of major depressive disorder, uncontrolled anxiety and self harm. No one talks about how someone who doesn’t really want to live gets through a cancer diagnosis. My cancer wasn’t the kind that kills you. It’s just the kind that’s a giant pain in the ass. Or tit. Or whatever. No suicide by cop here, no treatment please, just let it kill me. Nope. No option for that. It’s fight it or maybe not fight it but it still won’t kill you anytime soon, so you might as well just do what they tell you to. And no, it doesn’t help with your depression. Definitely gives your anxiety a whole new bunch of stuff to be anxious about though and you cannot find a person or a book on the entire bloody internet that’s going to help you process that. I’ll tell you: the depression stays the same. I read a book by a girl in the UK who was young and diagnosed with breast cancer. Hers was way worse than mine when she found it. And guess what? She cheerfully defeats breast cancer. Then dies from secondary brain and bone cancer 2 years later. Whomp whomp. 😔 That’s scary even when you have a death wish. And if you want to be super anxious, well there you go. I could’ve used a whole lot of better friends during this time. My family is aces but my friends are total shite. Seriously. I do hope if you’re in my life and you ever have to go through this you can be confident in the knowledge that I actually will be there for you. I’ll forget about how fucking shitty it felt when you were absolutely absent during my time of need. I can do that. I’ll get over it. So at least you know where to go if you need someone who understands this utter bullshit that is cancer. You weren’t there during the worst of my depression. Why would I think it’d go differently now? I’m a little angry and really emotional and so very ready to run away in the middle of the night before having to get back into this radiation on Monday. But I’ll stay. And I’ll fight or whatever this is. Because I have to. Because I’m a woman and that’s just what we fuckin do.

#breastcancer #women #radiation

[moulinathsharma]

DAY 10049 - Post 8

Sunday / Monday, January 27 / 28, 2019 । রবিবার / সোমবার , ১৩ই / ১৪ই মাঘ, ১৪২৫

Divorce is one of the most destructive, emotionally traumatic experiences a human being can go through, no matter if you're the instigator or the recipient. It's hard, and it hurts, and it takes a long time to feel normal again. Going through a divorce is a lot like getting hit by a Mack truck on a deserted highway in the middle of winter – it’s cold, lonely, and it hurts like hell. It is one of the most financially traumatic things you can go through. Money spent on getting mad or getting even is money wasted. If you spend your divorce fighting so intensely that you create a hatred of biblical proportions with your former spouse, your divorce process will be a lot like surviving the plagues – you may get through it, but the scars will be with you forever.

Remember, there are NO perfect relationship. It’s how you accept the imperfections that make it perfect. Maybe you aren't somebody who wants or expects to have the perfect relationship. However, whether we're aware of it or not, we all have expectations of what marriage, our partner, or our lives will turn out like. And when those expectations (sometimes they're unconscious) aren't met, we can understandably become dissatisfied. If this dissatisfaction isn’t addressed it will grow and lead to resentment and other strong feelings that will ultimately causing a couple to drift apart. Being willing to change is how to stop a divorce. And one of the most important things we can change is our expectations. Unrealistic or unmet expectations are at the root of the majority of marital problems. The failure of expectations to be realized causes disappointment and unhappiness. Many people live with this disappointment allowing it to eat away at them and hurt their relationship.

How to Stop Divorce

At the core of how to prevent or stop a divorce is change. Refusing to change or not changing is the cause of all divorces. This is true for both partners in the relationship. If things are going the wrong direction it is usually a combination of behaviors from both that are the cause. Taking stock of your relationship early on and making changes as they’re needed will go a long way toward keeping your relationship strong. You can stop a divorce with 3 little words. No, not “I love you,” (those are important too though). The three words that can stop a divorce are "I will change." You may not know how, and that's okay because there are people out there like me that can teach you. You just need to be willing to change yourself more than you want to change your partner. It's possible that your partner needs to make changes as well, but the only behavior you can really affect is your own. You have to be willing to make the needed changes within yourself and expect that your partner will do the same, or seek the needed help. If you want to stop a divorce, try working on changing yourself, and start with the words, "I will change." We all can list things our partner has told us that they wish we would do differently and that's a great place to start. Even if you cannot stop the divorce, being willing to change is something that will definitely benefit you in the future.

Life after divorce

Adjusting to life after a divorce can take anywhere from a few weeks to many years. During that time, you may experience a range of emotions. You may also be more susceptible to certain conditions, including post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and various physical conditions. The depression that occurs due to traumatic life events such as divorce is different from clinical depression. It’s called adjustment disorder or situational depression. Both clinical depression and situational depression manifest in similar ways. In some people, depression following divorce can occur with other behaviors, such as:

ignoring responsibilities

avoiding family and friends

performing poorly at work due to a lack of focus

fighting

Most people associate sadness with depression. Sadness is only one of several symptoms of depression. Other symptoms that are common in both clinical and situational depression include:

a loss of appetite

a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies

trouble sleeping or insomnia

irritability

fatigue

crying spells

difficulty concentrating

feelings of hopelessness and pessimism, as well as a lost sense of worthiness

suicidal thoughts and even attempts

The risk of a couple divorcing is two times higher if one partner has a form of mental distress, such as clinical depression. If both partners share a similar level of mental distress, they’re less likely to divorce, It’s possible that they’re less likely to divorce because they understand each other better and can relate to each other’s health challenges. A relationship between two people who both experience mental distress is more at risk for divorce than a relationship between two people who don’t experience mental distress. This has prompted researchers to conclude that pre-existing mental distress can lead to divorce.

Tips for managing post-divorce depression

Seek help Seek help if you’re feeling depressed. Talk to your doctor, but also consider talking to friends and family members, or joining a support group. Divorce affects more than just the partners. It also affects any children of the people divorcing, the larger family network, and family friends. Having a support network as you go through this process is important. You’ll have many feelings, and processing them can take a lot of energy. This can leave you feeling more tired than usual. Here are some tips for getting on a path to recovery:

Write in a journal. Even if you have a support network, it’s good practice to write down your thoughts. You don’t need to hold back. If you need closure of some kind, consider writing a letter to your ex-spouse as another way to purge your feelings. You don’t have to send the letter to them.

Exercise daily. Exercise even when you don’t feel like it. Research shows that between 20 to 40 minutes of brisk walking three times per week helps to ease the symptoms of depression.

Eat healthy. You may be drawn to comfort foods or alcohol more than usual. Keep healthy foods around. Rather than having unhealthy foods or alcohol, treat yourself to wholesome snacks, such as dark chocolate.

Pamper yourself. Pamper yourself by taking a long, uninterrupted bath or watching a feel-good movie. If you have children, arrange for an hour or two of babysitting so that you can have the time to do this.

Accept help. You may have less energy during this period of adjustment. If people offer to help you with preparing meals, watching your children, or household chores, say yes. You can return the favor later.

Socialize. Being around people may be the last thing you want to do, but it can help you cope with any emotions you’re having. Spend time with people who can provide a listening ear but who are also willing to help change your state of mind when necessary.

Sleep. Depression increases the risk of insomnia and insomnia, in turn, increases your risk for depression. If you have trouble falling asleep, adopt a night routine that will help calm your body and mind, such as having a cup of chamomile tea, taking a bath or shower, or reading a book. Avoid using electronic screens because they can prevent you from settling to sleep.

Takeaway You’ll have many feelings and thoughts to process after a divorce. You can get through it and find a new normal without your spouse. Setting small goals every day helps. Not giving up is the most important thing. On the days when nothing seems to work, remind yourself that you’re worth it. Make that your starting point for the days to come.

[kimberly-spirits13]

Right Hand Man (Loyal to the End) (Full Series)

Pairing: Damian Wayne x reader

Synopsis: You were like Talia’s daughter. The only thing was that you weren’t and instead, you had grown up in the foster care system and at a young age were taken by and personally trained by Talia. Along the way, you meet Damian and the two of you start to work side by side and eventually, after some time become closer and closer. However, when disaster in the league strikes, you face balancing an old, forgotten life as a normal child and the burden of right hand to the demon heir.

Note: I know that this is long and that there are a good number of time skips, but I didn’t want to make this into a series and just wanted it as a long fic because .... well because I can lol

Also, I didn’t want to have Damian so young in this so just go with it. I’m thinking maybe early 15 or almost 16 at the most. Idk I just don’t like writing for young Dami.

Warnings: mentions of murder, blood, brief mentions of torture but not for long, almost dying, sadness, trying to find your place?, pit madness, this entire series had some angst ngl

Word Count: 21151

        Growing up was a lot different for you than anyone else. For the first part of your life, you grew up in a perfect little family with a stable living condition and happy atmosphere. What happened later was easy to explain in all theory. There was a drunk driver and it didn’t end to well for your parents. With no remaining family, you were thrown into the foster care system and rotated around homes until finally one day, a strange woman came in with a smiley demeanor and was walking around the orphanage that you were in looking around when her eyes landed on you. You stared before she approached you. During your time in the system, you met tons of different people. Most were good, but some were bad. Those bad people had two different personalities around different people and you recognized it easily. This time however, it was different. You knew she was bad, but not anything that you were really scared of.

        “You’re not who you say you are.” You whispered to her softly.

        She smiled in a way telling you were right. A few months after that encounter, she came back again. This time however, you were going with her. She took you to a hotel room after a short and quiet drive. That was when she finally started talking.

        “My name is Talia, you will address me as such.” She said, “I’m going to take you to a place far away from here where you will train to become one of the most lethal of your kind.” “I expect only obedience. If I do not get this, you will be punished. Now, do you understand?”

        “Yes Talia.” You replied carefully.

        “What is your preferred name?” Talia asked.

“Y/N.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        From then on, you were trained and taught with the best tutors alive. Not that they wanted to without a bit of persuasion and after your lessons, along with Damian’s, Talia’s birth son, they mysteriously disappeared. You knew what happened to them however. It was pretty easy to guess even for the most stupid person. Besides, you had to kill one yourself in the past.

        You were a quiet person and took well to Talia. She saw you as one of her own. That was high praise coming from someone who wouldn’t hesitate to kill anyone at a wrong glance. Your training came from her and only the top members of the League. Anyone else was seen as too easy or below even your own level of skill. That’s how it always was. You always avoided too much conversation with Damian when you were young and merely tolerated him for the most part. You saw him as a begrudging equal in power and standing. You were liked more secretly since you weren’t one to be overly proud or bold in talking about where you stood. In fact, the most you did was command and fight. You saw no point in boasting on positions of power. It was a useless waste of time and a means to get yourself killed.

        On days you got time off, even if It was for a few minutes, you were always found in the quietest parts of the base. Whether that was your room or any kind of gardens, you would be found there. Talia always knew where you were because of this.

        “I expect you are prepared for the next mission Y/N?” She asked walking to you one morning after training.

        “As always Talia.” You said standing to greet her.

        She sat down with you for only a little bit and the conversation was brief.

        “I’ve noticed you’ve been lost in thought recently.” She noted, “What matter is this over?”

        You were shocked. It wasn’t everyday Talia showed any kind of emotion like this. Maybe tiny, tiny gestures after successful missions that you had led, but not much other than that.

        “I’ve just been thinking of the success of my upcoming mission. I need to know that these certain recruits are not going to jeopardize the mission. While they aren’t new, I have an instinct they will prove unfit for this kind of work.”

        “I understand. Measures will be taken if they prove useless.” Talia assured, “All concerns aside, you are needed prepared and ready. If not, the roll of leader will be given elsewhere.”  

        “You should not concern yourself with me, I will be fully capable of leading a squad myself.” You stood, “it is time for me to leave however.”

        The mission was going fine until now. You were right about the recruits. When they messed up, you immediately jumped into action killing who they missed. In this process, you were drenched in rain water and blood. No one had ever seen you this furious. This is why you were leader, you were the only one that knew what to do in times of stress and how to punish those who wronged the goal of the missions.

        “You fools!” You shouted in the ship, “You had the perfect chance and did not take it! Your assignments were simple for a reason and you almost jeopardized the entire assignment over a bit of rain!” “I have finished missions nearly dead and you incompetent idiots couldn’t kill four people.” “When we get back to the base, you should be expecting punishment accordingly.”

        The rest of the ride was dead silent but for your second in command and yourself discussing matters of the mission in a different language. It wasn’t a long flight and by the time you were back, you were still soaked. Brushing a piece of wet hair that was just now starting to curl once more, you approached Talia, who was being trailed closely by Damian who almost stepped back by the look you had on your face.

        “What happened?” Talia demanded glaring for a quick second at the questionable recruits.

        “The mission was almost jeopardized by the recruits that I raised concern about. They put unnecessary risks onto the table and missed the simple instructions they were assigned.” You narrowed your eyes some, “I took care of what they couldn’t.” “The mission was successful.”

        “Very well. Hit the showers and meet me in the briefing room in 40 minutes.” Talia said.

        “Understood.” You walked passed her and Damian, only stopping to acknowledge him for a few seconds, “Damian.” You said nodding.

        “Y/N.” You were the only one that could address him as his first name besides Talia and The Demon Head and you were the only one he’d use a first name for.

        You continued down the hallway and a few more before making into another sector of the building that you stayed. Those in high ranking had their own bathrooms such as you and Talia. It was seen as a sign of respect and designation from the rest. You walked into your bedroom, smaller as they tended to be and grabbed your change of clothes. This is what you normally wore around the complex if you weren’t going on missions. It was as simple as a black suit with straps for weapons and a place for your swords. Other than that, it was nothing special. It was against code to wear any kind of sleep wear outside of your room.

_______________________________________________________________________

        While on your way back from the briefing room, you decided to take a detour to the roof tops where you stayed sometimes. The view was incredible at night and the stars shown brighter than you’d seen anywhere else. There was a cool breeze up there and the occasional glimpse of the nightly patrol off in the distance. You were alone for most of the time and became captive to your own thoughts running wild. That didn’t mean you didn’t hear the footsteps behind you though.

        “What brings you to the roof?” You asked to the figure not even turning around.          

        You knew it was Damian just by how he walked. It typically took a few minutes for the two of you to drop your guard, even in the slightest, however it was the only time you could.

        “I wanted some fresh air and figured you’d be here. I am pleased to find that I was not incorrect in my thinking.” He replied sitting next to you.

        “I’m flattered.”

        The sarcastic tone of your comment led a smirk onto Damian’s face.

        “You looked abnormally angry after today’s assignment.” He commented, “I was surprised to see you so...”

        “Covered head to toe in blood and rain?”

        “Precisely.”

        “Well, that would not have happened if there was not a reason for it to. By all means, sometimes, I expect there to be mistakes. I also expect there to be repercussions. But if you cannot even finish off the simplest of tasks, you are by all means an absolute incompetent fool.” “I could have done that as a young child.”

        “I noticed you seemed to be less than pleased when recruits were assigned on Monday.” Damian said, “I presumed it was something to do with those individuals.”

        “Correct.”

        There was some silence between the two of you. Some night up on the rooftops, there were no conversations. You two acknowledged each other’s presence and continued on your way, minding your own business, and ultimately being comfortable in each other’s company. However, tonight you had something else in mind.

        “Has Talia been acting strangely more... emotional? In a positive way I think.” You asked him, “I thought it might have just been me, but with some more conversation with her earlier this morning, I suspect something must be wrong.”

        “I have noticed that. I am sure that there is nothing too terribly wrong to fear. Grandfather has had no change in his demeanor... That said, he is more seasoned to conflict.” Damian remarked, “You do get more information on matters on occasion with your status.”

        “I know, that’s why I’m concerned.” “I don’t want to be caught in the middle of some war or whatever the case may be. Besides, I have my real assignment which is watching over you. I don’t need anything getting in the way of why I’m supposedly really here.”          

        “You are aware that your “only job” isn’t just to be my protector or however my mother worded when we were young children. You’re also one of most commanding and powerful people I’ve ever met. Your position was well placed in your hands and it is well taken care of by you.” Damian commented.

        “High praise coming from the grandson of The Demon Head.” You almost let a smile slip onto your face at what he said.

        “I don’t remember a day where you weren’t there in some way.” He said, “Whether that was to scold me for being too proud of my bloodline or just making sarcastic remarks about anything you could.” He smirked, “Not that I didn’t fire back.”

        “Mhmm. Talia, as much as she doesn’t want to admit it was extremely amused when I used to talk like that to you. Although, she denies it every time now.” You thought back to the days when you and Damian used to bicker about everything. You were always secretly the more serious one no matter how much he wanted to keep that up. For you, there was no family line to fall back on. You only had your reputation and especially here, that was easy and dangerous to damage.

        “What do you think is going on?” He asked, “If there is anything wrong, one of us, if not both will know within the next few weeks at most.”

        “I don’t really know. I think that it might be something internal. The Demon Head and Talia might be about to sweep the lower and middle ranks for traitors or those less competent. They might even take the upper ranks. Just watch your back.”

        “As always.”

        You looked back out at the view looking at the mountain tops, inspecting each and every one that you could see. The snow gleamed in pale moonlight and every once in a while, you’d possibly see a shooting star go by. When training wasn’t underway and most everyone was asleep, the compound was one of the most peaceful places you’d ever been. You caught yourself yawning and suddenly a wave of exhaust washed over you.

        “How long has it been since you slept properly?” Damian asked noticing right away your shift in demeanor.

        “Maybe four days at best. It was just the mission preparations. I’ll be fine, besides, training for me in the morning is not until later. I’ll have time to sleep longer.” You stood back up, “I am going to head back to my room now. However, I do expect to see you at sparring tomorrow?”

        “I will be there.”

        With that, you hopped down the roof top and left back for your room. You knew he’d follow shortly after you, it was customary for him to after some alone time. That always helped with anything he was dealing with since he rarely ever got it. That’s the unspoken worst part about being in the positions you two were in. There was never any time to yourselves.

End Post

_______________________________________________________________________

Second Start Part

        You walked around the squad that you were assigned to watch over this morning. It was an easy viewing as you picked out each mistake that was made by the fighters. The objective of this time was to make improvements in skills where needed in the time that you were waiting for Damian to arrive for sparing. Now that you were older, the two of you trained outside almost to set an example for the rest of the members in lower ranks. It was almost a shaming method as well. Look at these two teenagers, they are years ahead of you in skill and training.

        A few minutes of this routine had passed. You were getting tired of no action yourself. Damian must have been attending to some private matters since he was never late. Talia made sure of that for one part. Eventually, the mood shifted into something even more serious and focused and you knew that he had entered the training grounds.

        “How kind of you to finally show up.” You said drawing your sword.

        “I had previous arrangements to attend to.” Damian returned taking his own sword in hand.

        “An eventful morning for the demon.”

        “Indeed, it was General.”

        You could tell that there were eyes on you the entire time that the two of you were training. It wasn’t uncommon but for the longest time, it took a while to get used to in the start of this newer training environment. Eventually you did get very accustomed to it and started playing harder. It was important to look like you really had the best training and grasp of what you were doing. Otherwise you were a bigger target. That was something you didn’t want under any circumstances. Damian didn’t mind. Instead, he seemed to like the challenge you presented. It wasn’t often in the field he ever got any sort of action like this. It was pretty typical for take downs to be easy, child’s play really. At least, that’s what he liked to think of it.

        For what started feeling like hours, you and Damian trained along with the rest of the recruits. It was sweltering hot outside. The sun’s heat beat down on everyone there without any sign of stopping. The cloudless sky offered no shelter from the rays either. You finally defeated Damian for the last time. Your fights would go until the other slipped up and then they’d start over until you both new that it was time to leave.

        “You haven’t heard anything about strange happenings or something of concern of late have you?” You asked entering the building.

        “No, I didn’t. Today was a common briefing of training and education. I anticipate you will have a meeting with mother at a later time over the same subjects.” Damian replied as the two of you turned into a different hallway heading to the cafeteria, “Mother was acting strange this morning however. I do not know if it has to do with our shared concerns.”

        You didn’t say anything, instead you just nodded before the two of you entered the giant room that everyone sat and ate in. There were different rooms situated inside for different ranks but mostly everyone sat together. It was difficult to escape the people which was something that was meant to be established but for the top players. They stuck together. That’s another reason why you and Damian were so close.

        “I want you to sit with me today instead of with the other group.” Damian said as the two of you took what you wanted for lunch and walked to where he and his mother always sat and ate. Talia was to be late today because of matters she was handling by herself. You two sat in silence for some time.

        “The recruits seemed ... mostly normal for the decent part of today.” You said, “In other words, there have been no red flags of anything internal. I walked around the entirety of the grounds to check.”

        “Maybe Mother and Grandfather are planning something that will just be sudden.” Damian pondered out loud, “We most likely won’t have to worry about it.”

        “It will probably affect me more than you.” You commented, “I’m pretty certain that you’d be safer when it came to some mass elimination scheme.”

        “You should be confident in your place among the League.”

        “I am, I just know that things can change at the random.” “That’s what makes it exciting around here.” “You know, other than the constant threat of being killed.”

        Damian spared you a smirk at the comment but nothing else. You saw it and knew he understood for some part.

        “Where is your next mission?” He asked.

        “It’s to Italy.” “I should only be gone for two, maybe three days at most.” “It’s basic kill a diplomat here, a politician there kind of mission before you ask.”

        Damian cocked a brow, “How did you know I’d ask?”         “You always do al Ghul.”

        “That is the one part of your training and job that I envy.”

        “And that is?” You asked.

        “You get to go and actually do things outside of the League’s headquarters and fight.” He answered simply.

        “Don’t let your mother hear that.” You chuckled only a bit to yourself.

        It was only in times like these or even just only on the roof tops that you’d ever let yourself crack a smile or make anything close to a joke. It was the only time you’d actually be even a sliver of yourself around someone. That is, whatever of yourself was left from all of these years spent here. You thought that what you did was important. It kept your branch of the League together even. Assigned to watch over Damian and be his right hand, that is what you defined yourself by. It was always position to you. Whether you liked it or not, this wasn’t the place to be friendly or all that different from the rest besides in skill and ruthlessness.

        “We’d better get to our class.” You said breaking the silence that came between you two.

        Damian stood up followed by you and the two of you headed to your tutoring session. It wasn’t long before this was over, in fact today was probably the last you’d see your teacher alive.

_______________________________________________________________________

        The tutor seemed to know just as well as you and Damian that this was their last day probably seeing the light of day. The room that the two of you were seated in was a well- lit room with only a table and large chalk board. You could practically feel the nervous energy that your tutor was radiating today. It got worse and worse every day leading up to it. You almost wanted to feel bad for him but you didn’t. That’s where you sometimes come to question the League. It was always taught in some lessons that it was human nature to be compassionate and not disassociate from others. People were supposed to need and feel for each other. You didn’t though. The League made sure of that very quickly.

        The lesson was quick, you didn’t really care much about what the tutor was saying. It was mainly just an overview of what you and Damian had learned. You two exchanged looks at the end of the session before walking out of the room. Talia was there with another recruit. You knew what the other was there to do when he walked into the room you were just in, you didn’t know however why Talia was there.

        “Y/N, I need to speak with you about your upcoming mission.” She said.

        You nodded goodbye to Damian before leaving with Talia.

        “I trust that your lessons were more than suitable?” She asked.

        “Correct, they were of desirable level.” You replied walking by her side.

        “Good. Now about this mission.” Talia turned a corner and into a room before shutting the door behind you, “This isn’t just another simple mission.” “The diplomats that you’re targeting will have highly trained security teams. You must choose the right moment to strike which I’d like to think you might be able to do from your training. Make sure there is as little of security as possible. After you accomplish stage one, move your squad onto stage two of killing the others and then return as soon as possible.” “Any questions? This should be standard by now.”

        “Understood.” You nodded.

“In addition, with the success of your past few missions, it has been decided that you will be elevated into a newer status of High General. Still by the same title, you have more tasks and control over your own squads. I do expect that you will handle this well. You start after your mission with the same schedule. However, you will be training more in the middle ranks.”

“Thank you, I am honored.” You said sincerely before cocking a brow, “However, I must ask since it has been troubling me for the past few days. Is there anything that I should be expecting that will happen? Are there any sweeping of the ranks that I should know about?”

        “I see that you must have picked up on something.” Talia said, “This is confidential information. I am only sharing this with you because of your status and position. There have been concerns raised of an attack from outer forces. We have not figured out which ones yet, you should not concern yourself with that yet. However, the only thing besides your mission and daily tasks you should be concerned with, is the safety of my son, the heir to the League. There is no true telling information on what will happen so keep on your highest guard.”

        “Yes Talia.”

        There was a pause that filled the room. You knew that there was something else.

        “General. That is the position you have been given. That is not however your only job.” Talia started, “Your main, most important job is to be my son’s second hand. If something were to ever happen to myself or The Demon Head, I fully expect you to stay with Damian over everything. Do not make me regret my decision in picking you off the ground of that orphanage.”

        “My loyalties are well placed Talia. I stay with him until death just as I was assigned from the start of this all. As High General, as the Demon’s second, you have my word.”

Eventually, you left. The rest of the day was ahead of you and tomorrow, you’d be suiting up for Italy. Ready to leave the League even for a mission, you were antsy the rest of the day. Not enough for notice as usual though. Damian knew however. He could tell that your game was a bit off since this morning. He could tell that you were either anticipating more than what you gave off, or you were preparing yourself for this next mission a bit too much.

_______________________________________________________________________

        That night he confronted you as the two of you sat on the rooftop.

        “You were off of your game today Y/N.” Damian said almost catching you off guard.

        “So, I was.”

        “What caused this rarity?”

        “I am just ready to start my mission. I have a brewing feeling that it should go over very well.” You answered, “That is what Talia wanted to discuss with me earlier today.”

        “It was just this and nothing else?” Damian cocked his brow suspiciously.

        “Correct.” You reassured, “There was nothing else besides talk of schooling. She did inform me that I will be taking the High General position which was gratifying.”

        “You have my congratulations Y/N.” He commended.

        “And you have my appreciation Damian.”

        “The only thing that I did pick up from the conversation wasn’t... much. Just keep on your highest guard.”

        You didn’t bother saying anything else. Watching the stars and then the clouds float by every now and again was enough. It was easy to just stay up there and do nothing. There was no schedule besides having to get at least some sleep that night. There were no recruits training out in the heat. And best of all, it was silent and cool outside. This was the best time and always would be a place of your favorite memories from life.

        “So, do you have any plans of changing your squad?” Damian asked.

        “In what way? My squad is perfectly formed. There shouldn’t be any issues within it. Not unless you’re insinuating that you want to join al Ghul.” You smirked.    

        “No, not at all. I’d rather not be taking orders from my right hand.” He shot back.

        “And I’d rather not be giving orders to one of the most stubborn people I know.”

        “Very funny L/N.”

        “Oh, so we’re on last name status. I must have said something to upset the young Demon.” You poked fun at him as you typically did.

        “You’d like to think you could.”

        “Anyways, regarding your question. I will not be adding or eliminating anyone from my squad unless I find someone in the lower ranks more suitable that can and will advance faster. Nevertheless, I am not actively looking for any new blood as some might call it.”

        “I understand.” Damian stood up to leave, “Will I see you before your mission tomorrow?”

        “Most definitely during breakfast. My team and I are leaving for Italy right after that though.” You answered jumping down from the roof top and onto the pavement below before walking inside, and down a hall until you eventually split from Damian to go to your room.

End

_______________________________________________________________________

Part Three Start

        You boarded the jet that was to take you to Italy. Looking back at Damian, the two of you exchanged quick nods and you headed into the cockpit. After a few minutes, the flight had taken off and you were on your way to Italy. As always you had promised to return with a song. It was something that he could have that wasn’t assigned or approved of by his mother. You understood that well. Sitting back, you sighed just a bit and got your mind into the game.

Damian’s POV:

        It wasn’t a rare thing for you to leave on missions. You did every month or so. It was just that things seemed to be even more of a task around the compound. Training’s vigor was more noticeable. Classes were more boring. The food and company were terrible. The list went on and on when you left. It did improve greatly when you came back most of the time however. The rare nights that you got back and were injured were some of the scariest. You took the worst blows for your team. It was what made you the best leader he’d ever met.

        On the nights that Damian saw you being taken to the infirmary practically bleeding out stayed in his nightmares from day one. Talia would try and make him leave since she knew that he typically reacted strongly to it no matter how hard he tried to hide it. He’d worry all night about you until you were back on the training field. The one night he lost it was when you almost died. It was so bad they had to use the pit. He could hear you screaming and knew that you would have rather died. It was a way that the league would torture you. If you messed up, they’d put you in front of a film showing all of your mistakes. After that, you would be nearly dead once they tried to bleed you out and thrown into the pit by yourself. The next day when no one was looking, he pulled you into a massive hug. It’s never been discussed since.

        Now he was alone training. His sparring partner was in Italy on a mission without him. It was too quiet in the room now. Damian’s thoughts ran wild as he imagined what might happen while you were in Italy. He knew that there was something that you knew about this turmoil in the league that you were hiding. He suspected that it was on his mother’s demands. Besides, if it was a serious danger, you would say something. At least, he thought you would.

        Looking up at the clock that was hanging high on the wall, he was taken from his thoughts be the time. Damian picked up his bag and left for his class that he would be late for if he didn’t rush. Talia would never approve of that. Throughout the rest of the day, he was distracted by the thought of your absence. Though, he’d never admit it. Sitting on the rooftop alone was strange. He almost expected you to join him at any moment preferring the comfortable silence and ease that came with you during these times. He found no point in staying much longer since he couldn’t relax and eventually headed to bed early.

Your POV:

        It was night time in Italy. You had scouted the convention and knew all of the points that the targets could get in and out. Going over the plan one last time with your team, you had the map of the building on the desk between everyone.

        “Beta, you take target two, make sure that no one of importance leaves alive.” You had explained, “Regroup at the jet once you’ve finished your task. If you’re not back by the end of the hour, find your own transportation to the compound.” “Is everyone clear on the objective?”

        The group nodded, “Yes General.”

“Good, we will not be having the issues that were with last mission’s assigned team.”

You folded the map and put it into a compartment in your belt before leaving with the rest of the team and splitting up into groups. This mission was going to be easy in all regards. You had entered the dressing room of your target. The rest of the squad was taking care of the security on the outside. Breaking communication was the most important aspect of the starting phase. This way no one would know if anything was going on. You watched the security team of the foreign diplomat. They were in formation even here. Their weapons were advanced but nothing you wouldn’t be able to handle. The song of an American movie played in the background on their phone. You knew it was something from a Disney musical.

“Tightrope!” You thought remembering that you’d never gotten the chance to relay the song to Damian, “Hopefully the timing of the song isn’t ill placed with everything going on behind the curtains.” “Focus Y/N, you’re on a mission, not at a concert.”

Without a moment’s notice, you hit the signal button on your communicator and then threw in a poison dart into all of the guards. There was a sudden clamor as men started dropping. You smirked some seeing the substance work before coming behind the diplomat and ending him with an injection of a stronger substance sure to end him before giving one more dose of a different chemical to insure the death of all.

You saw that your team was finished and packed back up with the team before heading out.

“Report.” You demanded once getting to the jet on the coms.

“Mission was successful, heading to meet up now.” The squads confirmed.

“Well done to all sides.”

Careful to remember the song, you played it on repeat in your mind as you boarded the jet and took off. Ultimately, you were glad to be sleeping in your own bed tonight if you had the chance to sleep after reports were made to Talia and that the team was competent. You wanted to groan thinking about not sleeping tonight. You were bone tired but knew that the show must go on. Otherwise you’d be severely punished. No sleep was better than the pit.

Upon arrival, Talia met you at the landing pad as usual.

“Report.” She said with a better demeanor seeing you not covered head to toe in blood and rain.

“The mission was a success. All parties were taken out without alerting anyone with the approved weapon of choice.” “No intervention from myself was needed.” You said giving a very, very brief rundown before you’d have to relay the entire mission to her later.

“Good. Report to your rooms. General, I expect you in the briefing room in forty minutes.”

“Yes Talia.”

You saw that Damian was coming from down the hallway. He was later than usual but none the less, you were glad to see him. Even if you’d never admit it.

Damian’s POV:

        Damian ran down the hallway upon seeing the jet land. He knew to slow down when the hall would become populated and he’d be exposed so he did. However, the moment that no one was around, he was running again. Damian heard his mother and slowed to a walking pace, taking back his proper stance and commanding look.

        “Yes Talia.” He heard you say before you walked past her and towards him.

        He was glad to see you ... not drenched in blood. From your blood or someone else’s for that matter. You almost glistened in the moon light as you did on the roof tops. Though, he’d never seen you in mission gear like this for some reason. You looked like the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

        “Damian.” You nodded walking to him.

        “Y/N. I am pleased to see you not covered in blood and rain.” He commented smirking just a bit.

        “Very funny demon. The feeling is mutual.” You replied.

        He turned and watched you walk down the hall before going to the roof tops after talking with Talia. Damian knew that you wouldn’t be joining him tonight, however he was ready whenever you did.

_______________________________________________________________________

        That day almost never came. With what you had taken on with the new rank, you were always busy well into the night. Damian hated it. You almost hated it too. You loved the nights on the rooftop. Slowly, you tried to get back on better sleep but tonight you just wanted the stars and the mountains. That was it.

        Over the past few weeks, you had hardly had any time to talk. Even during training for some part was spent with recruits instead of him. You both hated it. For the first time it felt like you were away from a mission but still there. Damian thought that you were too busy for him most of the time so he just didn’t make the attempt to talk to you. You thought that he was going for space for a while so you didn’t push anything. Eventually, you were sick of it though and decided to head to the roof.

        You climbed to the top noticing that Damian was already there. Carefully, you sat next to him, legs hanging off the side of the structure.

        “I assumed you would not come tonight.” He commented.

        “I do not blame you. I’ve been ... extremely busy as of late with this new roll.” You sighed laying down on the roof.

        He didn’t say anything for a little while and just enjoyed being able to relax in a place other than maybe his chamber. You enjoyed the silence for a while before he did finally say something.

        “Did you come back with a song?” Damian asked glancing at you some.

        “As always.” “And do you still want to hear it?”

        “Of course.” He rolled his eyes some at your answer.        

        You started with the song ditching the higher notes as to not be too loud. He knew you could hit them and he knew that you dodged them. He’d heard you before as Talia wanted you to be able to sing for some unknown reason. When you weren’t training as a child or in schooling, you were doing that with a professor. The two of you sat there for a while just admiring the view.

        “I should be going off to bed now.” You said, “I have a lingering feeling tomorrow will be long.”

        “I understand.” Damian stood with you and headed for his bedroom.

        “I expect to see you at afternoon training tomorrow? I don’t have as many responsibilities tomorrow.”

        Damian almost smiled, “Of course.”

        You headed to your room and plopped into the bed. It was going to be a long day tomorrow. No matter how much you couldn’t wait to see Damian more, something told you not to get your hopes up. Before being totally consumed by your thoughts, you drifted to sleep.

End

_______________________________________________________________________

Part Four Start

        The sun shinned brightly overhead in the cloudless sky. It was a warm day, nothing unbearable however. A light breeze flew through the training ground as all seemed unusually calm. Everyone was focused on their training. You and Damian were well underway in sparring. You were on your highest guard. The ease of today was not going to throw you off your game. Trusting your instincts, you kept an eye out for anything that was off balance.

        “The only thing besides your mission and daily tasks you should be concerned with, is the safety of my son, the heir to the League. There is no true telling information on what will happen so keep on your highest guard.” You thought about Talia’s words from a few weeks ago, repeating them in your mind, “General. That is the position you have been given. That is not however your only job. Your main, most important job is to be my son’s second hand. If something were to ever happen to myself or The Demon Head, I fully expect you to stay with Damian over everything. Do not make me regret my decision in picking you off the ground of that orphanage.”

        “Is something on your mind?” Damian asked saying the last part softly enough so no one else would hear, “You’re more intense than usual today.”

        “I am fine.” You answered knocking him to the ground before he kicked you down getting the upper hand.

        “You don’t seem it General.”

        You cocked a brow before getting in position to knock him off. The sound of something flying quickly for you caught your attention though. With wide eyes, you saw an arrow. Looking around there were hundreds. Going into a more intense version of a mission mindset, you rolled over taking Damian under you, moving in time as to not be hit by the arrow.

        “Get behind me.” You demanded standing up.

        “Get behind you?” Damian was in disbelief at the look on your face.

        “That’s an order!” You quickly took the man coming for you down, stabbing him in his lower abdomen region before pulling your sword out and killing another assailant, blood splattering on your face much to Damian’s shock.

        Damian looked to where his mother and grandfather was and stopped seeing his grandfather bleeding out on the floor. You saw this too. Kicking into high gear, the words of Talia played faster and louder in your mind taking over all of your thoughts. Everyone not in proper league attire was now a target and threat. You had your route in mind and took it.

        “Fallen is the Ra’s al Ghul.” You said quietly in respect, “I stay till the end.”

        Damian had seen you fight aggressively before. It was amazing to watch. This time though, there was a sense of something that he couldn’t quite pick up. Watching you, he saw you must have planned for this countless numbers of times.

        You nodded at Talia who returned the signal before taking the bow and arrows of the man you just killed and shooting it at anyone who dared to come close, “Follow me.” You ordered

        Running in front of Damian, you took the heavier side of the arrows. You were both in your armor which wouldn’t be susceptible to arrows that easily, you just weren’t taking the chance of it failing though. Once you were out of arrows, you threw the extras at anyone who was in your way. Damian would have found that amusing if you weren’t so serious.

        You ran through the hallway and then down another. Damian didn’t know where you were going but from what he was seeing, it was to the pit. Once you were down the stairs and then hall that would take you to the pit, you stopped and looked around before opening up a hidden door in the wall’s decorative moulding.

        “H-how did you-“

        “No time for questions, get in.” You hissed pulling him in by his wrist before shutting the door      

        You pulled him into another room down the long and confusing hallway maze that was built to get people lost in case they followed this far.

        “Don’t lose me al Ghul.” You commanded running into the middle of the maze before heading out of another secret passage.

        “That’s not the plan General.”

        Once entering the last room, Damian saw the jet that was in the middle of a new room that you’d come into.

        “What is this place?” He asked once you were both in the jet waiting for Talia, “And why don’t I know about it and you do?”

        There was an envelope that was a note from Talia to Bruce incase she died. It was to tell him about you and Damian. Apparently, there was something in there that would convince him that you two were legit. Though, you never asked. When it came to Talia and the birth of Damian, you didn’t ask questions.

        “Answer me Y/N!” he demanded once you didn’t answer as you were busy at the controls.

        “Do not raise your voice at me.” You said in a deep, ominous tone making him blink a few times, “Talia and I knew that one day there might be a time that the compound would be taken over or just attacked. We knew that the league depended on your survival. It was important to have a place that I could take you in case something did happen.” “If she doesn’t show in 10 minutes or we are attacked between that time, I am expected to fly to Gotham City and take you to your father.”

        “You will take me to the Batman?” He almost stated instead of asking.

        “Who else?” You remarked rolling your eyes a bit.

_______________________________________________________________________

        The ten minutes had passed and Talia was flying the jet to Gotham. No one spoke for the first half of the flight. There was too much to think about for conversation. Damian sat in the back as you and Talia took to flying the jet. Night was falling upon the oncoming city. Talia had already contacted Bruce and you were expected shortly.

        “I do not know when I will see you next.” Talia said addressing the both of you, “Stay with Bruce until I come back.”

        In a dialect Damian didn’t understand, Talia spoke to you, “General, I will send updates on occasion. You know your mission.”

        “Yes Talia.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        You and Damian entered the building behind Talia. She was in front of him while you were behind. Damian knew that this was for a reason but he knew better than to say anything. The three of you headed into an elevator and then up a few floors. Talia was determined to be there before Bruce and have the two of you hidden away. Placing you two behind the curtain you stayed silent.

        “You’ve got blood on your jawline.” Damian commented very quietly.

        You looked at him for a second before trying to rub as much of it off as possible before braiding your hair over the spot so that it wouldn’t be seen. There was no reason to cause any more concern than what there would be. The two of you exchanged glances upon hearing Bruce’s voice. You heard Talia talk about her scans and Damian. Bruce obviously didn’t know that he existed. Knowing that that would bother Damian, you placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder for a second before the curtain was pulled back.

        “This is your son, Damian and his right hand, Y/N L/N.” Talia said leaving Bruce shocked, “She is not your daughter, I found her in an orphanage when she was a small child. She is however a high general and will not leave Damian’s side.” Talia more demanded than informed the last part.

        Damian walked to his father, “The great Batman... I imagined you taller.”

        You almost rolled your eyes at that one, typical Damian.

        More discussion between Talia and Bruce took place before Damian told her goodbye a last time. She turned to you not really expecting anything but a nod. Instead you repeated what you said on the training field.

        “Fallen is the Ra’s al Ghul.” “I stay till the end.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        Bruce wasn’t much of a talker, you didn’t mind until getting into the Batmoblie. That was going to be a bit more awkward.

        “I’m taking you two back to the manor. I expect you to act civil while I’m on patrol.”

        You nodded thinking Damian might possibly do the same.

        “I’ll drive.” He instead said.

        You tried not to facepalm, instead pinching the bridge of your nose for a second.

        “No.” Batman replied.

        “I know how!” He insisted.

        “I don’t care.”

        Damian got into the front seat with you in the back. You didn’t mind sitting back there if it wasn’t for the constant glares you were getting from Bruce at times. He didn’t trust you and you didn’t blame him. Maybe giving your title and position wasn’t a great idea on Talia’s part. You just weren’t sure anymore. After the entire talk of not killing and rules in the house, you just wanted to arrive and were beyond relived when you finally did. Damian of course asked the more condescending questions once he was in the cave. You found the tech impressive whether it was small or not compared to what you thought. It was very... on brand as some might say. You also didn’t mind just having the one Butler. It made you feel better just be able to be a bit normal and do things yourself.

        Before Bruce was about to get back into the Batmobile you stopped him.

        “I have direct orders from Talia to give this to you.” You passed him the envelope.

        “Thank you.” He raised a brow, “I trust that you are loyal to your position?”

        “I am not high general anymore.” You said making Bruce pause, “Not until or if I return to the league. My only mission now is protecting Damian. Where he goes, I go. Where he stays, I stay. Where he might die, I am prepared and expected to take his place. I am loyal to that.” “It has been this way since I was brought to the league and will stay this way for the rest of our lives.”

        “I respect that.”

        When Bruce left, Alfred took you and Damian up to your rooms. Alfred said little but did reply a “Yes Master Bruce.” Into a comm that he had in his ear. The rooms were right next to each other which was nice. You suspected that was on purpose. Maybe Bruce was going to respect your position. You only had your suit to sleep in. It was a bit ... bloody though. You cursed under your breath in Arabic looking in the mirror and seeing it. That must have been what you were getting looks for besides the intense glares you were given back. You were about to wash your face even if it was just with water and hand soap, as much as that made you cringe, before a knock at your door stopped you.

        You walked to the bedroom door and opened the door revealing Alfred.

        “For tonight, I have only this set of nightclothes from Miss. Barbra Gordon, a family friend. Tomorrow I shall have new clothes for you in a suitable fashion.” He passed you the neatly folded stack of clothes, “There are toiletries in the bathroom under the faucet.”

        “Thank you. It is greatly appreciated.” You said taking the stack from him.

        “You are welcome.” He paused, “If you would prefer, I may be able to arrange a trip with Miss. Gordon and Miss. Brown. They are both heavily involved with the family.” “I have also already informed the young Master Damian that there are three others here. Master Dick, the oldest, Master Jason, and Master Tim. I expect the best behavior from all of them.”

        You knew what he meant by that which was intentional and nodded at his words.

        “That would be suitable.”

        Alfred wished you a goodnight you shut the door, before taking a shower and properly washing your face. The clothes that you were now in were very comfortable. You knew that they were second used but you were used to it. Right now, they reminded you of the nightclothes you wore when you were young and still moving from house to house. You never had proper attire until the league and then even then, that was far from normal. Only on some missions would you wear “normal clothes”.

        Once you were out of the shower, you had gotten into bed. The gold necklace from your parents that Talia had let you keep was still on. You didn’t really want to take it off tonight. While Damian had you, you only really had the necklace as a kind of good luck charm no matter how cliché that might sound to some. Before you could actually get into bed, there was a knock.  You didn’t really know who to expect at this point but weren’t surprised to see Damian.

        “Damian...” You stepped aside to let him inside.

        “L/N, I must address something with you.” He said, “You kept a secret from me. Something that could have ended my life.” “Why?”

        “I gave my word I would.” You answered honestly, “Talia told me-“

        “I don’t care what my mother told you.” He raised his voice some, “You’ve known that this might happen for weeks and didn’t say a word. Grandfather could still be alive if you had said something.”

        “It was on my word, of course I wasn’t going to say anything demon.” You were upset with him now.

        “I don’t care about that! What if something had happened more? You and I both know that the league is probably in shambles right now and you did nothing!”

        “I did everything I was supposed to Damian!” You said making him step back, “What you saw was years of training. Ra’s al Ghul wouldn’t be saved by my words. He knew. Talia knew. I knew that something was wrong. When I told you to keep on your highest guard, I meant it. I said nothing because if I did we’d be in a worse situation now. I take my commands, I take them and I follow through with them. I was not the second hand of your grandfather. I am your second hand. If I was anything different, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You may question as much as you want, however do not dare question my loyalties or actions.”

        “When Talia picked me off of that floor of the orphanage, I gave her my word I’d follow through with anything she told me. I’ve been trained for the worst. I’ve been trained to die for you. So, don’t ever think that you even have any right to judge what I’m doing.” You glared at him waiting for him to speak.

        “Y/N I didn’t know-“

        “Just leave. I don’t want to continue this conversation anymore. If it is still a concern to you, we’ll talk in the morning.”

        You watched him leave and shut the door behind him before falling back onto the bed and passing out from the sudden wave of exhaustion washing over you. No one knew what tomorrow would bring. The only thing you knew was that it was coming like a train ready to run you right over if you weren’t careful.

End

_______________________________________________________________________

Part Five Start

        You woke without an alarm with the 4am birds. It was a sound that you weren’t used to. Typically, you’d head down to one of the indoor training rooms and join Damian. It wasn’t unusual for one of you to be a few moments late but after that you’d get breakfast. This time though, you didn’t want to see Damian. You went instead out to the gardens. Instead of really working out or training, you decided that the best thing to do was just sit and meditate.

        Walking down the hallway some the opposite way of where you were going, you saw that Damian’s door was open. Wanting, to avoid him, you went out one of the side doors. He would be in the cave training for the most of what you could tell. You walked outside greeted by the morning air. It was cool outside and the birds had stopped chirping for the most part. You walked towards the sounds of the fountains along the cobblestone path. The trees and shrubs were cut perfectly in different shapes and animals in some areas. You smiled walking through it all, the moon being the only light.

        Once at the fountain, you sat down. There wasn’t really anything you were focusing on. Everything just swirled around in your mind. With no indication or signs on what was going to happen, the only thing you felt like you could do was keep on the tightrope that you had been thrown onto. The start of it all was a blurry and foggy mess. The end however, was even worse. You had no idea where this new life was going to take you or Damian. It was easier when you had an idea. That didn’t make it better.

        You were consumed in your thoughts for the longest time before getting up and walking around more. This was the longest you’d been alone to wander freely like this since God knows when. It was nice but was eventually interrupted. You turned upon sensing that someone was there. Carefully, you reached for your dagger but didn’t pull it out yet.

        “Miss Y/N, breakfast has been prepared. Miss. Gordon will be here soon to take you to the shopping mall.” Alfred said, “I hope you are not about to pull a weapon on me. I will warn you, I don’t fancy being attacked.”

        “N-no. It’s just...” You slacked a bit.

        “Training. I understand.” Alfred gave you a reassuring look, “You seem to be adjusting better than Master Damian even on your first day here.”

        “That’s because I wasn’t born in the league. This is just like some distant home to me. I was in the foster care system until Talia got me.” “I also got to go on more missions outside of the compound.” You informed the older man.

        “I see.” He sighed, “Well, I hope that you will eventually find some sort of comfort here.”

        “Thank you.”

        It was strange hearing words of good wishes. Not that you hadn’t heard them before, it was just that it was rare and typically in a secret kind of code for lack of a better term. No one dared give well wishes directly, only in little ways. You and Damian did that the most out of anyone you’d ever met. It was just normal in that sense.

        The walk back inside was quiet. Alfred informed you of a few other details that you’d need during your stay. Most had to do with the boys. He said that they would be behaved but that they can get a bit... rowdy. It was just in their nature. You understood and told yourself to expect it. Walking inside you prepared for the worst. What you did get though was a very sleep deprived looking teenage boy, a tall man who was almost zombified, you knew that was Bruce, a very chirpy young adult male with bright blue eyes, and a tall red headed girl rolling her eyes at the younger man.

        “Master Dick, Master Tim, Miss. Gordon, this is Miss Y/N. She came with Damian last night and will be staying in the manor now.” Alfred said introducing you.

        Tim looked up, “Hi Y/N.” He then proceeded to down his cup of coffee.

        “Um, hello.” You replied. It was unusual to see someone like that but you also related to his actions deeply. You thought it was kind of funny anyways.

        “Hey, I’m Dick. So, did you get here last night?” He asked smiling and said the last part quietly, “You’ll have to excuse Timmy over there, he’s a bit tired from a case he’s working on. Just wait, he’ll eventually fall asleep somewhere for a day.”

        “Yes.” You shrugged, “And I understand where Drake is coming from.”

        That made Dick chuckle, “You seem to be less temperamental than Damian.”

        Barbra hit him with her elbow some, “Really Dick?” She looked at you, “Sorry about him, he gets excited about new people.”

        “I am only the temperamental type when I need to be. Other than that, I find it partially unwise to try and scare everyone with anger. Silence works just as well for me.” You sat down at the table with breakfast.

        The meal looked like something out of heaven. It smelled fresh and looked like whoever prepared it had been doing this for a while. You took the first bite, and after that you devoured the entire meal. You then remembered that Barbra was taking you shopping and started worrying about what was going to happen.

        “So, Y/N.” She said seeing you drift off into your own thoughts, “I was thinking that it might be best if we go to the smaller shopping center first. That way you might not feel so uncomfortable there. They’ve got some things I think you might like.”

        “That sounds suitable.” You answered, “Um, I have seen the more recent fashions from previous missions, however, I’m hoping that there are still stores that carry items of reasonable value instead of ... absurdly over the top garments.” “Avant-garde if you will.”

        “Oh yes, you’ll have plenty of options.” She laughed some at the concerned look on your face, “But I agree that some people do wear some very over the top things.”

        You nodded in an understanding way noting her tone. In these cases, she probably means that the clothes are normal and what you have seen is just avant-garde clothing worn by the rich to turn heads. While you had walked by the mall countless numbers of times on missions, and even inside, there was nothing that really caught your interest. Besides, missions were never for shopping you had the job of staying on task at all times.

        “Oh, and I invited Steph but she had previous arrangements so it will just be the two of us today.” Barbra said.

        “Very well.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        You and Barbra made your way inside of the mall. It was deemed best if she was the one to drive everywhere since Alfred and the limo would draw unwanted attention. Bruce did still have to figure out how he was going to break yours and Damian’s arrival to the press. He’d probably just pull another adoption stunt in your mind. It wasn’t rare and at this point, the media just accepted that he has an obsession with it.

        The two of you made it through the parking lot and into the building, you on high alert the entire time.         “You’re tense.” Barbra commented, “I can practically feel the tension coming off of you.”

        “Unfamiliar settings may lead to all too familiar circumstances and fallouts. I find it most wise to keep on guard in a place like this. It’s open to any assortments of attacks. With the right variables, a disaster could strike at any given moment.” You replied back looking around overwhelmed at the options of stores not noticing Barbra giving an understanding yet concerned look, “I uh- where do we start?”

        “I have some suggestions. Although, I think the first store that we should try is something with a bit of variety so that you might be able to find something that you like.” She said.

        “I think I might have something in mind. Maybe something a bit dark, classical, refined, but also something that might be able to be turned down to a more casual piece.” You listed some features you were interested in with an almost inquisitive look only to meet Barbra’s eyes which portrayed an almost warm and kind look.

        “I think I know just the place.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        You and Barbra walked around the shopping mall sipping on coffee from the Starbucks and eating some of the pastries.

        “These are not too bad.” You commented speaking about the treats, “I must admit, I have never had anything quite like this before.” “It tastes...”

        “Commercial?” Barbra asked laughing some making you shrug in agreement, “There are better places we might go some time. I just figured this would be suitable for the time being.”

        “Well the decision wasn’t ill placed.”

        “Oh, we should try this store up here. Steph and I are always finding some good items here.” She commented leading you into another store.

        At this point you had almost lost track of everywhere you’d been. It was like navigating a more organized jungle. This time however, the animals were people and there was no North Star nor moss to guide your way.

        “You were talking about more classic. This place has some clothes I think you might really like.”    

        Walking in, there were rows of all sorts of clothes including fitted and paper bag pants, pencil skirts, turtle necks in some places, tweed jackets, blazers, sweatshirts, hoodies, and almost anything you could have desired. You gawked at the sight and started wandering off on your own to explore the vast new area you had found. Slowly, you took what you thought looked best and gained an eventual plethora of clothing articles before heading off into the dressing room with Barbra in close pursuit.

        “What do you think about this?” You asked stepping out in an outfit you had put together from the clothes you’d picked.

        “I like it. I like it a lot. I do think though, that we might be able to add some jewelry to spice it up a bit.” She replied, “Change back and then we can go jewelry hunting.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        Once outside of the dressing room, you and Barbra checked out and went into the jewelry store that was down the hall and across the walk way on the second floor which you were already on. You headed inside and were immediately drawn to some plated jewelry. It was simple and elegant, just what you were looking for.

        “These look nice.” You gestured to some, your own ring on your finger flashing some in the light. It was an ever so slightly worn gold ring that you wore on your right ring finger. On it had intricate braided designs and a symbol that represented an eternal bond or promise.      

        “I didn’t notice you had a ring already, it’s very beautiful. You were allowed to keep it?” Barbra questioned pointing it out.

        “Thank you. But no, actually, I’ve had this ring, and smaller versions of this ring as I grew up. They were given to Damian and I when we were young. It is a symbol of promise. I’m his right hand, I go where he goes, and stay where he stays. Think of it as a contract of sorts, or maybe even a wedding ring. It’s just a daily reminder of my place.” You explained.

        “Interesting. Was there anything you did keep or was this is?” She asked.

        “I um.” You fiddled with something around your neck, “A necklace from my parents. It’s a moon and stars, the only thing I have from before the league really. The piece was the only thing I could keep.”

        She didn’t ask any more questions, instead opting for the task of browsing for jewelry. You picked out a few pieces, some with jewels and others just plated and empty. Barbra picked up a black watch to throw into the mix saying that it goes well with everything. You didn’t really doubt her. There was no reason to thus far. Once you left the store though, the two of you started to notice shopping’s effects and how the pastries and coffee had worn off.

        “I’d say we try the restaurant down the block. It’s got some really great options and I think you might really like the burgers there.”

        “It sounds like a decent plan.”

______________________________________________________________________________

        You and Barbra walked inside of the place. Inside there were booths and tables along with a bar and waiting area. It was the run of the mill nicer business which thankfully, quickly got you seated. With drinks and even food ordered, there was a silence. It was kind of uncomfortable and awkward, you weren’t the greatest with social skills and starting conversations with new people. Damian wasn’t either which made it so easy to be around him. Well, at least when you weren’t fighting. You sighed thinking about it.

        “You’ve got that look on your face.” Barbra noted making you snap out of your thoughts.

        “Look?”

        “I know that you have just arrived and have much on your mind, however, you have that “boy issue” look plastered all over your face.” “Did something happen between you and Damian?”

        You weighed your options. Typically, these things worked themselves out. Damian wouldn’t be able to be rid of you unless he killed you and that would breach one of the highest codes of honor in the league. Typically though, these arguments were stupid or at least simpler like too many missions or being hurt on the field. This time, his grandfather had died as a result.

        You huffed some and took a deep breath, “Damian and I were in an argument last night because of my mission. I have been assigned since day one a location and route that would take him to Gotham in case something like what did happen, happened. For years, I’ve trained for this like some prepare for Armageddon. However, Ra’s al Ghul died in the battle. He blames himself mostly but also claims I have some part in it. Although, I think he might have changed that outlook since the fight last night.”

        Barbra looked shocked at what you told her, “Ra’s al Ghul is dead?”

        “Correct.” You answered grimly, “Heavy arrow fire took him.” “And, you don’t have to give your condolences, I know of what has happened at his hands and how that is viewed.”

        She nodded, “So you and Damian have just been avoiding each other all morning hoping that this all blows over?”

        “Precisely.” You sighed, “I for one know that this might never be worked out if there isn’t a final confrontation on the matter at hand however, I’m not quite sure how to approach that.”

        “Well from what I’ve seen, it might be best to just be straight forward with him. Letting this drag on and on isn’t going to solve anything whatsoever.”

        “I would have to agree with you Gordon. You have my appreciation.”

        “It’s no problem.” She smiled some.

        “I do have one concern and the only reason I’m mentioning it is because I trust my instincts and they tell me you can be trusted.” You said.

        “That is?”

        “How, how are we supposed to adjust to a different culture, life, policies, and circumstances in a matter of a few weeks. I mean I assume that Bruce will introduce us to the public and then with the blink of an eye, we’ll be out in public being swarmed by the media. I worry about Damian’s more impulsive and temperamental behavior with the newer surroundings and how he will cope. I think it will be difficult for the both of us to start abiding to certain ... rules if you know what I mean.”

        Barbra didn’t comment for a few seconds and instead took what you were saying all in.

        “I cannot say that I understand your position. I can say though, that I think that you of all people are more than capable of doing this. From what I have seen, you know what is best for the two of you and will stick to those beliefs, you’ve got the mindset of a fighter and strategist. Whether it be training or even turning away from some of it, I think you will find a way to adjust. And I know that it’s hard to trust people at first. That part I understand, however if you need anything, Alfred and I are always there.” She explained carefully almost washing away all of your fears.

        “Thank you.”

______________________________________________________________________________

        You and Barbra were back at the manor now. Alfred had taken your new clothes for cleaning and you had your new room decorations and jewelry to put into place. You didn’t get many things seeing as the room already decently matched what you felt most comfortable with, however you were not going to protest against a few touches of your own.

        Once upstairs, you closed the door and got your new record player set up. Picking one that looked the most suitable and got to work making things as you pleased. You hadn’t noticed how much the time had passed before there was a knock at your door. You turned the music off and opened it to reveal Alfred with an assortment of clothes on hangers and another stack of freshly pressed and folded clothes.

        “I have your new garments ready to be put away.” He informed you.

        “Thank you, I can put them away myself.”

        “It is no problem Miss. L/N.” He handed you the clothes, “Dinner shall be ready at 6pm sharp.”

        “I understand.”

        Once he had left, you closed the door only and started putting items away only for another knock to interrupt you once more.

        “Yes?” You opened the door again, “Oh... hello demon.”

        “General- L/N, I wanted to talk to you about last night.” He said almost sheepishly.

        “Very well. You may enter.” You closed the door behind him, not wanting anyone else to hear the conversation.

        “I must apologize, my actions of last night were impulsive and guided by misjudgment from the events that have taken place prior to now.” Damian sat at your bed as you were still putting away clothes in the closet, “I stepped out of my place questioning your choices because I did not know under the circumstances they were made.” “You did nothing wrong.”

        “I accept your apology Damian.” You said making him almost sigh in relief, “I understand where the outburst came from.” “As cheesy as it might sound, I have thought over what happened last night.” You went and sat down at the end of the bed and looked him in the eyes, “The only thing we can really do now is stick together. We have no one else here that knows about where we came from and the worst choice we can make for ourselves in splitting apart. Especially over a recent quarrel or smaller dispute.”

        “I agree.”

        There was a small passing of silence, “Just promise me that you will try everything you can to make adjusting as easy as it can be on yourself. It will be a challenge, but you don’t have to do it alone. We’re both in the same boat on this one Damian.”

        “I promise, just as you have done so many other times before.”

        There was a small ringing from the phone you had gotten at the mall.

        “That means it is time for dinner.” You got up and turned off the alarm quickly before walking towards the door, “After supper I expect to see you for some sparring?”

        “I will be there.”

______________________________________________________________________________

        You and Damian were sitting next to each other at the dinner table. It was awkward and quite for some time, no one really wanting to bring any conversation up.

        “So how did you feel about Gotham Y/N?” Bruce asked you trying to start some sort of conversation.

        “It was fine.” You replied, “it’s comparable to a darker version of Chicago with a hint of New York.”         “When did you go to either one of those cities?” Dick asked inhaling his food.

        “I went to Chicago on a mission a year ago and New York three years ago.” You replied, “It was only for two nights at maximum.” “The people are strange though.”

        Your comment made everyone either smirk or chuckle which lightened the mood a bit. You could tell that Damian was uncomfortable in this newer situation however. He wasn’t one for talking to those if he wasn’t bragging about something. You never commented on it while he was doing it, only glaring some to get your message across to him. He’d typically get to a stopping place but on the rare occasions he wouldn’t, you’d actively end the conversation or bite your tongue to keep from saying anything regretful.

        “I took Y/N to that joint near the mall you told me to go to Bruce. It was good.” Barbra commented.

        “Agreed.” You responded, “We also picked up a great plethora of items from the shopping center. Thank you for letting me go. It is greatly appreciated.”

        “You are most welcome Y/N.” Bruce replied with a look of approval showing on his face, “And Damian, because you have opted not to go out with one of the boys, Alfred has had a selection of items delivered to the manor. They should have arrived already.”

        “Yes, they did father.” Damian said quickly, giving you a slight glance.

Damian’s POV:

        You seemed to be adjusting well. It was typical of you to take what you understood of your circumstances and adapt so quickly. You were just like that. He’d always admired it but right now, it was strange seeing you as the best adapted like you were. The strange distant feeling of seeing you not in armor or commanding a squad got to Damian. New surroundings like this were uncomfortable and unpredictable. He watched you fake your every move like it was nothing, the way that you carefully examined everything around you intrigued him. Then again, you were doing too well. He knew you were covering something. Old habits, old nightmares along as new ones, new yet familiar styles in the way you dressed, he saw your walls hold higher, most of the ones you “dropped” were mere props in the way you played. You’d always said life was a game or a gamble anyways, you just had to know how to play it.

        The conversations at the table were forced. At the Leauge, typically there were either no conversations, or they were over missions and training. Though, it’s not like he really enjoyed any of it to begin with. He reached over just enough so that no one would noticed and lightly tapped your leg.

        “most forced conversation I’ve had.” He tapped in a shorter way of speech than typical with Morse code.

        “same.” You answered back quickly, “wonder how long we’ll be here.”

        “hours.”

        “very funny demon.”

_______________________________________________________________________

Your POV:

        Damian was right, it did feel like hours. You didn’t really know when it was alright to leave, so you stayed until Bruce left. He was sitting at the head of the table, so he was in control of when you could leave. At least, that was how it was when you were raised in the foster care system. Damian left when you did and you both got suited up for sparring. You two met up outside of your own rooms when you were done, swords, daggers, and armor in all. If someone wasn’t familiar with the situation, they would have thought you were coming from a dress up party or cosplaying in some sense. That would have been insulting to you if you didn’t care about keeping your cover.

        “Woah there kiddoes, where are you two heading dressed like that?” Dick asked coming down the hallway.

        “Daily sparring.” You answered sharply.

        “With all of that?” Steph chose to comment as well.

        “Correct.” You continued, “They are merely swords and a few items of weaponry, nothing that should be too out of the ordinary seeing as you have the regular superhumans or even super heroes coming in and out regularly.”

        Dick nodded and let you two through after Steph got him to stop pestering you two with questions. You and Damian exchanged looks of distaste in regards to your interaction. Rolling your eyes, you continued, eventually making it to the cave. Once on the mat, you started training. There was no conversation at first. There didn’t need to be. You’d always thought that if there was no room for conversation, there was no need to squeeze it in. If conversation wanted to add more space, it would naturally.

        “So, how are you?” You asked, “Adjusting wise.”

        Damian looked around some before responding to make sure no one was there, “I am doing as well as I can be. I find that we are being underworked in responsibilities however. It’s boring here.” “You seem to be adjusting well.”

        “In standards of not beheading the shrubbery,” You smirked at the glare he gave you, “I’m... just testing the waters at this point.” “It feels strange not having a squad to command, I don’t like it that much but it is what it is.”

        You didn’t reveal everything or really anything close to the most. What you were supposed to do anyways? It’s not like you were going to reveal all of your struggles in one training session. You weren’t ready or willing to do that anytime soon. Deep down though, everything felt wrong. Not having your position anymore was just the surface of your issues. The constant urge to pull yourself back into your old habits was overwhelming. At a strange noise, you found yourself reaching for a weapon that wasn’t there. When someone tried to talk to you, you immediately put even more walls up trying to figure out what they wanted to really know. You needed action and something to focus on besides keeping up some imagine like you always did. At night or in the moments you were alone, the constant shadow of your former self was there to greet you like a figment of your worst flashbacks. You knew exactly what was wrong, you just didn’t know how to express it because of the quantity in which your problems amounted in. So, for now, you’d keep it to yourself.

        “Understandable.” He said pinning you down to the mat.

        You went to flip him over and then stopped in mid motion where he didn’t hesitate to take you down before standing up.

        “That was far below your own expectations for yourself in combat Y/N.” He said offering a hand up.

        You felt your fight or flight mode kick in the moment everything happened thinking back to the arrows falling from the sky. Taking a deep breath, you reminded yourself of where you were. There were no arrows flying. No screaming from those around you. You looked around to reassure yourself before hearing someone come up silently from behind you.

        “Hey love birds.” Dick said loudly walking up behind you.

        You felt him go for a pat on the back. Clearly, he was just being stupid for the time being but you could control what you did. Taking the man by the wrist, you used all of your force and some of his own weight against him to slam him over you onto the mat. The rush of adrenaline faded when you saw who it was laying on the mat groaning in pain.

        “Holy shit.” He mumbled.

        Damian’s jaw dropped to the floor seeing you pull something like that. You snapped out of your temporary trance and immediately extended your hand to help him up.

        “M-my apologies. I mistook you for someo-“

        He stopped you, “No it’s fine. Should’ve known not to do anything too sudden like that.” Dick looked at you for a second, “You put up a fight Y/N. Although, I wouldn’t expect anything less from a high general.”

        You sighed some at the comment, “Thank you. I must be leaving now.”

        The two watched you swiftly head up the stairs. You made sure to travel through the manor as quietly and quickly as possible. The last thing you needed was for anyone to try to touch or talk to you. Once you made it to your bedroom, you immediately grabbed a change of clothes and headed for the shower. A hot shower was the only thing you thought would help. At least, that’s what you were hoping.

End

_______________________________________________________________________

Start of Part Six

        It was three days later since you had mistakenly slammed Dick into the mats. You and Damian hadn’t talked about it at all seeing as you were trying to avoid the topic like the plague. Darkness had settled over the manor. Bruce and the rest were just back from their patrols and you were just getting ready for yours. It was unofficial at least. Today would have been your turn for the 2:30 am shift of patrol at the league. You couldn’t sleep at all with the thought of your responsibilities running through your mind. 20 minutes had passed of you battling yourself on the aspect of going out. It would be unnecessary, Mr. Wayne has the best security money could buy or make. You thought it through over and over again. What if an alarm didn’t trip off when an intruder came in? What if the manor was attacked and nothing happened to prevent it. With these thoughts overpowering the logic you tried to introduce, you got up and changed into your suit.

        Exiting from your window, you went on top of the manor. The roof was pretty massive seeing as this was a mansion. You looked up seeing the stars and thinking back to what it looked like at the compound. The biggest difference here was seeing the lights from the city in the distance and pine trees instead of endless mountains. You jumped from different points, quietly landing on others. As you did this, you scanned the area and moved on if you didn’t see anything strange.

In the Manor:

        “It looks like she’s patrolling the area.” Bruce said sitting back in his chair in front of the computers that were installed in the cave, “I don’t like it.”

        “Master Bruce, Miss. Y/N is merely practicing habit. Leave the child be.” Alfred said as he cleaned up his first aid tools from tonight’s patrol.

        “She could be plotting something. Getting intel, either way, she’s triggering my alarms.” Bruce responded.

        “Master Bruce! Enough of that.” Alfred raised his voice in disapproval, “This isn’t a normal household as you might have gathered. Everyone here deals with trauma differently. As a child when you picked up strange habits after ... your own set of traumas, I did nothing to stop you of such actions. I knew you’d grow out of it.”

        “I guess you’re right.” Bruce muttered.

        “Nothing new Master Bruce.” Alfred remarked walking into the other part of the cave.

        Bruce eventually left, turning the system off. He knew Alfred was right and even though he wanted to, he knew that there was no ill intent in your actions.

_______________________________________________________________________

        Back outside, you were still well underway in your patrol. You had only thirty minutes left and then you would be able to return to your bedroom. Everything was silent but for the crickets and occasional fire fly here and there. You marveled at their beauty once you figured out what they were. That was strange to see for the first time. Other than that, the only other sound was a new pair of footsteps coming from behind. You knew who it was without turning around.      

        “I thought I would find you here.” Damian said.

        “Well, I guess you thought right then Damian.” You replied perched on the side of the manor.

        “I assume this patrol is stemming from previous habits of yours?”

        “One might say that.” You gave him a side glance seeing that he was coming to sit by you, “Old habit.”

        “Closer to, a sign that you really aren’t taking this move well and are actually covering it up for the sake of reputation and your own personal expectations you have set for yourself.” Damian commented making you roll your eyes some.

        “Wow, caught red handed.” “In all actuality, you’re correct on many levels.” “I just needed something ... normal for a change.”

        “I understand.” He said shortly, “I heard father talking about a gala. Something to parade us around to the rich snobs and media as an introduction. I do not look forward to it.”

        “That sounds like one of the worst ideas I have heard in quite a long time.” You huffed, “And that’s saying quite a lot.”

        He chuckled but after that, everything fell back into silence. You carefully looked out over the grounds before being startled by the vibration and alarm of your phone.

        “Looks like my patrol has ended.” You said turning off the alarm, “I shall return inside. Care to join me?”

        “I will.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        From there, sleep was impossible to come by. You were plagued by nightmares which you never had before. It was probably since you weren’t constantly focusing on training or a mission you had convinced yourself. What you needed was something to focus on and that was what you got. You didn’t rely on coffee like Drake since you never had it to begin with at the league. For the first few days, no one noticed anything. That was what you had planned, however it was of course Damian who raised the first alarm. You were in the library catching up on some studies for ancient history and astronomy. The sunlight was streaming in golden beams through the windows and you were sitting at one of the tables wrapped up in one of the long jackets that you had gotten. Damian walked in to see you hunched over one of the books with your hair in a messy bun.

        “Y/N?” He asked quietly as to not scare you.

        “Mhmm?” You hummed in response giving him a quick glance of acknowledgement, flipping the page to a star map.

        “With all due respect, you seem tired as of late. When was the last time you slept?” He questioned sitting next to you examining the pile of books you had pulled.

        “Last night?”

        “But did you actually sleep an entire night last night? That is the real question.”

        “Why are you concerned on the hours of sleep I got Wayne?” You asked in return.

        He didn’t answer. The truth was that he was worried more than he’d care to admit. He knew that you had terrible dreams like he did, neither of you cared to talk about them at all. The memories of mornings where you��d come for training with dark circles and eyes flooded his conscious. Those days you were scarier and had less patience, though he’d never blame you for it since he understood the feeling for some part.

        “You never answered my question.” You said pulling him from his thoughts.

        “I-I... no reason, I was just making sure my right hand was in stable mind.”

        “Well, I am fine.” You glared at him for the comment, “I’m perfectly stable demon.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        That was a few days ago. You kept the exhaustion hidden well, especially considering you were in a house full of detectives. That didn’t mean you didn’t feel it though. You were bone tired and almost lagged along. Focus became harder to maintain and you felt yourself drifting on and off into sleep. Now you were in the training room running a simulation. It was an easier one you had to admit, but nothing enough to give anything away. Your moves weren’t sloppy, just not as pristine as typical. You also didn’t notice Damian walk inside of the cave to watch you. Rubbing your temple as you finished, you grabbed your water bottle and splashed some of the cold liquid on your face to wake you up. You turned around and were startled by Damian.

        “My apologies, I didn’t mean to startle you.” He said reaching to grab your arms to keep you from hitting him from habit.

        “It’s fine.” You replied, “I just didn’t realize you were there.”

        “You never drop your guard like that. I think it’s time for you to sleep L/N.” He said, “I know you haven’t been getting any.”

        “I insist that I am fine.” You went to grab your duffle bag off of the floor with the intention of showering in the cave showers near the back. Standing up was the issue. With the worst light headed feeling you’d had in years you fell back down.

        “Y/N!” Damian grabbed you before you had totally hit the floor, “That makes it final, I’m making you sleep.”

        You mumbled an argument before totally passing out. There was no way of avoiding the obvious of you being passed out as he took you to your room.

        “Damian, what happened to Y/N?” Bruce asked alarmed standing up to see you completely out. Bruce wasn’t fazed by much, however, he wasn’t ready for that at all.

        “Lack of sleep.” Damian said shortly, “I think I know why.”

        Alfred followed him up the stairs explaining that he’d need to make sure you were okay other than not sleeping. He was sure that after a good night’s rest or so, you’d be fine. Damian knew though, that that was asking a lot from you no matter how simple it might be.

_______________________________________________________________________

        You awoke suddenly in your bedroom only to be surrounded by darkness and the light, delicate streams of moonlight shining dimly across the objects inside. You felt someone taking hold of your hand and immediately looked to see that it was Damian. Next to you, he was sitting in a chair with his head resting on the side of the bed and his hand around yours. With the shift in motion that you had caused, Damian awoke.

        “What are you doing?” You asked, a blush creeping across your face.

        “Oh- I,” He let go of your hand and rubbed the back of his neck, “I knew you needed to sleep and I also knew that you wouldn’t unless there was someone with you.” “I just didn’t think you’d want me to be in the be-“

        “I-I understand.” You replied, “Thank you.”

        “I will leave now.” He got up.

        “Damian I ... you were right about the sleeping bit. I actually wouldn’t mind if you stayed.”

        “I see.” He sat back down in the chair.

        “Damian, I’ve known you since we were three, you can sleep in the bed.” “If you’d prefer, there’s an extra quilt you could use in the closet.”

        “Are you sure?” He asked standing back up.

        “Positive.”

        Damian retrieved the quilt from your closet and returned quietly getting on the bed. You stayed under the original bedding and he slept on top of it. There was a distance that was kept between you two since it would be strange for you to be any closer. You were just close friends and nothing more. Although, that thought made you a bit upset. When you did finally awaken however, you were startled to see that you were tangled in the covers laying as close as possible to him. Damian’s arms were draped over you holding you tightly and neither of you cared to talk about it.

        That did however start a routine of going into each other’s rooms for sleeping. You didn’t classify it as a romantic or intimate thing. It was saved for whenever either of you had dreams terrible enough that you didn’t want to be alone anymore. At night, you might have been awakened by Damian coming into your room and getting into the bed only for you to keep close to him or it would be the other way around.

End

_______________________________________________________________________

Start of Part Seven

From the day that you had collapsed, it had been a week. You could tell that the few weeks you had been at the manor had done some good with trust between all parties. Even Bruce was becoming more and more tolerable. You had met Brown who was exceedingly excited to meet you seeing as there would be another girl to level the boys when Batwoman wasn’t around. You and Damian both had started your mandatory six months of training before you could patrol which was going off very well on your end. And now, you were sitting in the living room scrolling through your phone as Damian sat next to you pretty much doing the same. There was suddenly the looming of another presence in the room which caused the two of you to look up.

“I have to inform you two of a gala that I am holding to raise funds for the Gotham City Orphanage. I’m introducing the two of you then to the public, Y/N, I will not be formally adopting you at your own request but you will be included as a family friend.” Bruce explained, “The gala is Friday, starting at 6:30pm. Clothing arrangements will be made and if you have any questions, you may ask one of the boys, Alfred, the girls, or myself at any time.”

Damian merely nodded and watched you fiddle with a golden chain around your neck. He had seen it before but had never questioned it. You always seemed to avoid showing it off at all. When Bruce left though, he asked you about it.

“Is that a new necklace?” He questioned.

“Uh, it’s from my mother and father.” You answered, “Talia let me keep it. I don’t really know why though. It’s kind of like my good luck charm as strange and naïve as that might seem to you.” You pulled from under your shirt to revel a gold chain with a diamond crescent moon and star pendent, “I don’t remember it well, however, I just remember my parents giving to me. The engraving on the back is a bit corny.”

You flipped the pendent over to show a small message relaying that they loved you to the moon and stars. You rolled your eyes a bit at the message but didn’t deny it made you feel closer to them in some way.

“It is very beautiful.” He commented, “You never wore it out. I hardly remember seeing you with it at all.”

“That’s because I always wore it under my suit. I didn’t want it to be stolen under any costs.”

“I’d be surprised of any fool tried.” Damian said making you chuckle.

“I wouldn’t, however I just wouldn’t want to be the one that stole something from me.”

After some time, you had gotten up to make arrangements for shopping with Brown and Gordon. It was important to have their input on what you decided to wear since they have been to galas before and you have not. This time, you were going to a different mall with higher end stores. This was where they swore you would find an outfit to wear. You didn’t doubt them, however you were dubious of whether or not you’d like anything truly.

_______________________________________________________________________

You were sitting at the vanity that was in your bathroom getting ready for the gala along with Brown and Gordon who were at the sink doing their own makeup. You didn’t want to wear any makeup, instead under their request opting for only some mascara. Even with that, you felt entirely different. Stephanie offered to do your eyeshadow but you declined seeing as you didn’t want to look ten years older than you already were. You told her that maybe next time you’d consider but today you just wanted to get a feel for how things worked as well as be as comfortable as possible. She understood what you meant.

_______________________________________________________________________

        You and Damian didn’t leave each other side the entire night. Bruce introduced the two of you to everyone there and the prospect of talking to all the people was exhausting and by the end of the night, you were getting anxious to leave. Damian noticed you fiddling with your ring and looking for the nearest exit. That’s when Bruce brought you and Damian over to another man covered head to toe in garments that you thoughts to be more than your entire life over two times. The man smiled at the three of you walking over and loudly greeted your party. You smiled some and shook his hand, introducing yourself but not before getting a strong whiff of something that smelled like the drug they used to use on you in the league. Looking panicked, you searched for either an exit or a bathroom.

        “It was lovely to meet you, excuse me.” You said quickly making your escape to the bathroom and into a stall where you immediately started throwing up.

        Damian came in after you quickly knowing that he wasn’t technically supposed to be in there. He locked the bathroom door and went to your stall before knocking.

        “Y/N.. are you in need of assistance?” He asked.

        There wasn’t an answer from your end, instead he just heard faint sniffling which caused him to pick the lock of the stall and come inside. He hugged you from behind and held your hair back if you were sick again, the whole time knowing what caused your reaction. Bruce would have to not invite this person again if you were ever coming to a gala again.

        “I’m sorry... I just can’t-“

        “N/N, you don’t have to apologize, you had no idea or preparation for what happened.” Damian said braiding your hair back, “I’ll get you into the car without anyone seeing and you can go to sleep.”

        You mumbled an agreement and Damian texted Bruce that he was getting Pennyworth to bring the car to the back. Damian picked you up bridal style and carried you outside and into the backseat where you laid your head in his lap the entire ride. When you got showered and asleep, he stayed since he knew that you’d be having terrible nightmares all night.

_______________________________________________________________________

        You woke up the next morning with sunlight streaming in through the curtains in one of your oversized nightshirts that you had gotten with Gordon instead of some dress and heals. Damian was next to you already awake running his fingers through your hair. He immediately stopped when you awoke and sat up.

        “How did you sleep last night?” He asked, “After everything I mean.”

        “Fine... thank you.” You answered huddling under the covers some like you were almost trying to hide, “About last night, I don’t know what came over me. It was a mistake.”

        “You don’t have to take responsibility for this one Y/N. I remember what happened at the league and I know for certain that you do. No one else found out about what happened, I know you take those kinds of things hard.”

        “I appreciate it a lot Damian.” You didn’t really know what to say next but Damian started again.

        “Y/N, I want you to tell me when something like that is happening. We’re meant to protect each other, not just you to me. I c-care about you more than anyone else, we’ve known each other since we were children. I don’t want anything happening to you for the sake of reputation.”

        “I understand that.” You said still thinking about the last part he said, “I care about you too. I-I wouldn’t want to lose you either of anything like that.”

        At that point you kind of wanted to just disappear. While you were typically a lot better at words than Damian ever was, today it just seemed harder. You glanced at him for a second to see him blushing. Thinking you said too much, you started to climb out of the bed to bolt for the bathroom to take a long shower.

        “Wait, Y/N.” Damian grabbed your wrist, “I have to say this, just from what’s been happening between us recently-“

        “Damian you’re killing me with this. I like you a lot, do you like me?”

        He looked almost embarrassed with the suddenness of your question. While he was getting to that point, he wasn’t expecting you to be so forward to it.

        “I do love you, a lot.” He said.

        “Well damn it demon, kiss me finally!”

        He chuckled some and did what you said, 15 years of shared trauma and memories attached to the few long seconds it happened.

        “I’ve actually been waiting on that for years beloved.” Damian informed you.

        “So, my name is beloved now?” You commented snickering some at his comment

        “It is.” He nodded, “But, do you want to keep this secret for now?”

        “Absolutely. Only if you’re in for it though.”

        “I was actually hoping you’d say that.” Damian answered.

        “Well my love, let the games begin.” You said getting out of bed and walking to get changed and grab coffee.

End

_______________________________________________________________________

Start of Part Eight

        Both you and Damian had now been secretly dating for two months. It was an exhausting game of cat and mouse of either running from his family, or the prying eyes of the press. You had just excepted at this point that this was just going to be a new normal for a long time. There was nothing you could seriously complain about much however. This was all you had wanted for years and if the company of clandestine meetings was going to be a center of attention in this relationship, that was what was going to happen.

        Dates were mainly just tea or coffee on the rooftops late at night for only a short amount of time if it was on patrol, and longer if it was at the manor. Right now, you were sitting in the library, laying in Damian’s lap, both reading your own books. No one but Alfred was in the manor however, you were sure that he knew about you and Damian. Light streamed in through the windows and silence blanketed the room as Damian ran his fingers through your hair, occasionally braiding it. You fiddled with the matching golden ring on your left ring finger some as he did this. This was the most relaxed you had been in years and you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

        He didn’t know this until recently, but the only professor that had ever lived was one that you had. Your voice professor used to braid your hair during warm ups. She was the closest thing that you had ever had to a mother and in return for this, you begged Talia to let her live. You decided not to make it out so that you trusted or cared for her, but rather that she had connections to people that the league could use. With this tactic, Talia actually allowed her to leave but under a life- long oath of secrecy to protect the league. You braid your own hair when you were stressed or anxious but it’s better having someone else do it. Damian only found out when you started braiding and braiding your own hair in the roof tops one night at the league, only to let the piece unravel and start again.

        “Beloved are you going to go on patrol tonight?” He asked breaking the silence.

        “Of course.” You answered, “Is there a reason you asked?”

        “No, I was just checking.”

        “...Damian, how long do you think we’re going to stay a secret? I’m not upset or anything of the sort, it’s just a bit exhausting sometimes.” You questioned, flipping the page of your book.

        “I don’t really know Beloved. How long do you think you’d want to stay like this?” Damian set down his book to give the conversation his attention seeing as this one was important.

        You audibly sighed as he started braiding a portion of your hair, twisting it around and then letting it lose again, “I don’t really know, 3 months at most maybe?”

        “Are you tired of seeing strangers online pine away after me?” He asked smirking.

        You rolled your eyes and jokingly slapped his arm making him laugh, “What about me? I’ve seen plenty of suitors for myself.”

        “Don’t remind me Y/N.”

        “Oh no, I’ll remind you. First there was one that actually messaged me asking if I was single. Oh, another that tweeted asking if I was single. Then, there was another that mailed a love letter to the man-“

        Damian cut you off, putting his hand over your mouth making you laugh. You sat up and sat crisscrossed in his lap facing him, running your fingers through his hair.

        “You didn’t really think you could shut me up that easily did you demon?” You asked quietly.

        “I’d gage you would find a way to get your point across any way you could General.” He kissed the corner of your lips which made you glare at him some before pulling him in for a real kiss.

        “Next time some girl gets a hold of you at a gala though, just make sure not to charm her for me, will you?”

        “Whatever you say.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        Patrol started off boring and uneventful. Nothing exciting was happening but for maybe a few ally level crimes. You and Damian were perched on the rooftops looking down at the city lights and occasional people. Damian had obviously gotten the whole Robin outfit, in his own version of course. You however, took the same style as your past uniform. It was similar in the sense that it was amour and a hood, you still had your knives and compartments, this time though, the color was different. He couldn’t see the look on your face through the mask you were wearing which covered your lower face to your eyes, but he was sure you were bored. He was going to start a conversation when the comms came on with Bruce talking loudly.

        “I need everyone at the Rosehill Apartments on 7th Street! There’s multiple bombs spread throughout the building, civilians are inside.”

        You looked at Damian who nodded at you before you both swung off the building.

        “ETA 2 minutes.” You replied back getting onto your own bike and speeding off towards 7th St. following Damian.

_______________________________________________________________________

        Upon arrival to the building, you could see that everyone else was already inside but for Nightwing who on crowd duty until you two had gotten there.

        “There’s one more bomb in the kitchens. Everyone else is either getting their own or helping the residences escape.”

        You looked around for an entrance that wasn’t in terrible condition. Once you found one you ran towards it at full speed with a bomb on your mind.

        “Stick close, the roof might not be stable anymore.” You said, “If the bomb goes off, I expect you to leave immediately.”

        “Beloved I’m not leaving you if anything happens.” Robin replied running beside you.

        You didn’t reply, instead bursting into the kitchen and jumping over one of the carts in the way of your path. Using the locator on your wrist device, you scanned the room stopping when it got a hit.

        “It’s in the freezer!” You ran over and opened the door into the large room, “Hold this open and make sure it doesn’t close, I’ll disarm the bomb.”

        Damian nodded and did what you said as you went inside and ripped open one of the floorboards to find a massive collecting of wires and buttons connected onto one device. The type of timebomb was one that you had seen plenty of times before in training and when you yourself had used them. Part of training was learning to make one so it wasn’t too terribly difficult to disarm this one. The hard part was getting out.

        “Y/S/H/N!” You heard from behind you as you were about to stand up, “The place is on fire.” Damian called out, “We have to leave!”         You turned around and saw the place ablaze. Damian already had his other mask up over his face so he could breathe when you got out of the freezer. The two of you started running out to find the hallway also up in flames.

        “Don’t come near the kitchens, the whole place is going up in flames.” You said, “Bomb has been disarmed however.”

        “Good, now get out of there.” Batman replied back.

        “Working on that.”

        You and Damian sprinted down the hallway making sure no one else was inside on your way out. Once in the lobby you turned hearing someone screaming from a room nearby.

        “I’ll be right back.” You said turning around locating the person who was a small child.

        “I can’t find my Mommy.” She said sobbing into your arms.

        “I promise you I’ll find her.” You said running back up front, “I’m going to give you to Robin and he’ll take you outside, I’ll find your mommy.”

        You reached the front of the building where Robin was, “Take her, she can’t find her mother, I’m going in after her.”

        “You can’t, the building is going to come down at any minute!” Damian said taking the girl in his arms.

        “I have to check, I can’t let her grow up without parents like I did.”

_______________________________________________________________________

        You ran inside not really aware of what was happening outside anymore. Looking around you saw no sign of anyone but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t be buried under something. As you did this, you pulled out the scanner again but this time had it scan for biological creatures instead of machinery. There was nothing at the point where you were. Going farther into the structure was a no go at this point but it was your only option.

        Outside, Damian was trying to find the girl’s mother in the crowd as he mentally cursed himself for allowing you to go inside. He should’ve done more, he could’ve done more but he didn’t. Running to the line of ambulances, he looked for someone that matched the girl’s description of her mother. When he finally found the person, he rushed over just in time for the lady to see her daughter and burst into tears. She hugged her daughter and thanked Damian for bringing her back to her before Damian rushed back to find you.

        “Y/N!” He screamed getting inside catching your attention.

        Further down the hallway you heard Damian yelling for you. You turned around and started headed quickly for him and once he saw you, he announced that they had found the mother outside of the building. The two of you started running for the exit when you looked up hearing a faint beeping. The exit was 50 feet ahead and the closer to it you got, the louder the sound.

        “Damian! There’s a bomb above us, I- I think it’s about to blow.” You said as pieces of wood from the building came down little by little, “5 seconds now!”

        Damian had a look of terror as he picked up the pace. You knew that both of you wouldn’t make it without a little boost so you got behind Damian and launched him out of the way where Nightwing was standing right as the building was coming down. The last thing you heard was a defining thunder and then the screams Damian who was kicking and trying to get away from Nightwing to go back for you.

        “Y/N is still inside you idiot let me go!” He sobbed trying to elbow his oldest brother in the rib.

        The second round of explosions came, only making the structure collapse more, fire raining down.

        “Beloved!” He screeched making Nightwing almost drop him in surprise at what he called you.

        He understood why Damian was fighting so hard now, but that didn’t mean that he could let him go. The rest of the family standing by heard it as well. It would’ve been hard to miss anyways.

        “You can’t go in after her!” Nightwing yelled over the explosion.

        “I have to! She’s the only one I have, I have to go! Let me go!” Damian got lose just as the dust was settling.

        He ran to where he last saw you and started digging, tears filling his eyes so that he couldn’t see. There was no chance you were still alive and if you were, it wouldn’t be for long. That was when he heard you try and move something. He was looking in the wrong place, only a few feet away. When he saw where you were, he lifted the piles of wood and debris off of you to find you badly injured and hardly awake.

        “Beloved stay awake for me okay?” He said lifting you up out of the rubble.

        There was a part of your side where you had gotten impaled. It didn’t look like it hit any vital organs, however, you were bleeding out rapidly.

        He swept the hair out of your face and gently held you to him as he ran for the Batmoblie quickly trailed by everyone else. With you in the backseat, Nightwing front, and Batman driving, you were quickly headed for the cave. Damian wrapped your wounds tightly and held your head up in his lap checking your pulse every few seconds.

        “How is she?” Bruce asked sparing a glance at the back seat.    

        “Unwell, I-I don’t know how she’s still alive.” Damian responded.

        “Enhanced strength from the pit.” You groaned some in pain.

        “What the hell?!” Dick turned around to see you trying to sit up, “Enhanced strength my ass, how many times did you take a dip?”

        That earned a sharp glare from Damian and a reprimand from Bruce. He apologized realizing that he overstepped.

        “Beloved don’t move like that, just stay down.” Damian said gently, “You’ll only hurt yourself more.

        “I work through pain.” You muttered.

        “Funny, I’m sure I’ve heard that somewhere.” Dick said.

        Getting to the cave, you don’t remember much, just waves of pain and floating in and out of consciousness. The only part that you really remember was the worst part, but that was later to come when everyone really thought you would die.

End

_______________________________________________________________________

Start of Part Nine:

        After Alfred removed the pipe that was in your stomach you started bleeding heavily. No one was ready for it and the amount of blood made it hard to work. Damian looked over and saw you bleeding out on the table and went into panic mode. He jumped up and started looking through your belt for something.

        “Damian- what are you...” Your eyes went wide as he pulled out a small glass of liquid, “You’re not going to do what I think you will are you?” You groaned.

        Talia had allowed you to have a vile of the pit just in case something happened and you needed to use it on Damian. If it was injected, it would be stronger so you always carried the proper supplies for it.

        “Pennyworth, a moment?” Damian pulled him to the side once you weren’t totally bleeding out, “She’s going to die isn’t she?”

        “Master Damian I- yes, she will die if something else isn’t done. I do not know what can be done.”

        Damian sighed, “We have to inject this into her, where ever the wound is. It’s a vile of the water from the pit. She has it to use for me, but, she needs it now.” “I’ll hold her down.”

        “Why ever would you have to...” Alfred thought about it before a long look came over his face, “I understand. Right away then.”

        Damian walked to you carefully, knowing you had an idea of what was to happen.

        “Dames, please don’t.” You whimpered.

        “Beloved, I know you hate it but it has to be done. I’ll be right here for you the entire time, you won’t be alone this time, I promise.” He said taking your hand in his, “Just let Pennyworth do this quickly and it’ll be over faster.”

        “Damian no!” You started crying, “Please not this, just let me die, please!”

        “Y/N, no you have to just listen to me. I’m right here, the entire time.” Damian said after Alfred put a hand on his shoulder.

        He pulled you to his chest close and held your hand as Alfred injected you with the stuff. Damian knew it would work, he just didn’t really know about what would happen to you after that. The issue of the pit’s madness might not be one here, however no one was entirely sure what an injection of it would do. He knew shortly after though.

        You screamed and cried into his shoulder almost not being able to breathe.

        “Make it stop please!” You begged, “It hurts, please!”

        “Beloved I’m right here.” He said, “I’m not leaving you.” A few minutes had passed and he knew from past experience that you’d be back in just a second. That didn’t make it easier. As you came off of the hallucinations and pain, you were silent. The silence was the worst part. It was like after all of that, you went into autopilot now just trying to figure out where you were and how to get topside. The sudden mental change was all too familiar but instead of waking up alone and in a cavern illuminated by the light of the pit, you woke under florescent lights that had been dimmed and a figure holding you tightly after Alfred had left. Your hands immediately found his hair and with the comfort and familiarity, your heart rate dropped to something normal instead of rushed.

        “Dami?” You blinked a few times, “Is it over yet?”

        “Yes beloved.” He said looking up, eyes puffy with tears in his eyes, “I’m sorry beloved, I just, I can’t... I don’t know what would happen if I didn’t have you with me.”

        “It’s okay Damian. It really is this time.” You sat up clutching your side some, “Doesn’t mean it won’t hurt for a little bit though.”

        “Here, let me help you.” Damian helped walk you upstairs to his room and wash your hair. With the number of wounds you had to have dressed and cleaned, you didn’t need a shower, just the rubble and dirt out of your hair. He pulled up a stool in front of the sink and held your head up and he washed the hair.

        You didn’t really know what to do or say, so instead you just sat back and let him take the lead for once. After drying your hair enough, you went and sat on his bed, him sitting behind you. He took sections of your hair and started braiding them over and over again.

        “I thought I was going to lose you Y/N.” He said, “You’re so stubborn.”

        You scoffed, “You’re one to talk demon.”

        “That is true General.” He remarked, “What you did was truly remarkable though.”         “I had to do it Damian. She was around the same age I was when I was brought to the league.” You said.

        “You should’ve seen the look on the mother’s face when I brought her back. She was so happy to see her.”

        “Well, at least if anything happened, a family would not have been lost tonight.”

        Damian didn’t respond, you knew he couldn’t because while he knew you were right, it pained him to think of you leaving him.

_______________________________________________________________________

        It was a few days later, your wound was healing rapidly probably just to leave a scar and sun was finally shining onto Gotham. Damian was out with the guys not of his own free will though. You were sure that when he got back there would be a ranting session about the dramatics of it all. Alfred had a day off right now and the rest of the family was gone. For the time, it was just you in the large house left alone to roam around as long as you wanted. With that silence and peace however, was an interruption. A knock at the door came and when you went to check, nothing was there but for a parcel sealed in wax addressed to you.

        You looked around knowing it was Talia’s writing and nodded before walking back inside and heading for your bedroom. Once sitting at your desk, you opened it up with the small knife you kept on you. Unraveling the letter that was set atop the actual package, you read it.

General Y/N,

        I send this letter as an update to the league. Nothing has changed as the last one has arrived to your doorstep but for the slow process of filing through recruits once more. The attack was assisted by an inside source which is now being handled as seen fit. As for you, I have heard the news of your recent relationship with my son. I give you my blessing to continue, seeing as I have anticipated this for an extended amount of time. I also write this as a thank you for your recent near sacrifice. You have lived to my expectations dramatically and I see you were the right fit for this position. As such, I have obtained a second vile of the pit and sent it to you as a token of my gratitude.

        Sincerely,

        Talia al Ghul

      You smiled reading the letter before in code writing the important parts down in a leather journal you kept locked in a trick door on the third drawer of your desk. With the actual letter, you burned it in the fireplace which was already going. And with the ashes of the letter, you knew that this was the start of something new. You watched the rest of the letter disappear into the rest of the ashes and then headed outside for a walk in the sun, letting go of all of your issues for even a few moments of serenity.

-

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Tags-

@we-want-mini-mini @a-door-into-my-mind​ @idkmanicantenglish​ @queengeorgiaaa​ @lucy-roo​ @wolfiemichele​ @grey-water-colors​ @random-fandom-girl-24​ @crumpets-are-better-with-jam​

[awintersrose]

As We Fall - Smut Monday 4/3/17

Pairing: Hoshigaki Kisame / Terumi Mei

Theme: Heroine

Warnings: Implied/referenced past rape/non-con

April submission for Smut Monday with @beyondthemoor . Hope you enjoy it!

The coastal plain is a chaotic ruin as Kirigakure ninja are surrounded on all sides, with the enemy’s vanguard steadily approaching. Their fighters are too easily overtaken, falling one by one to a well-mobilized group of unknown shinobi, possibly missing-nin, but this group is far too well-organized for this to be coincidence. Yagura’s orders have led their unit beyond the borders of their homeland and into a squirmish that suspiciously resembles a trap, which only gives Terumi Mei indication that the Yondaime Mizukage has been somehow tipped off to the renewed rumblings of discontent among their ranks. 

There have been murmurings of possible underground efforts to mobilize against him, and while the resistance is small and weak, somehow even the breath of possible dissent warrants the massacre of even the innocent among their number, and in her heart of hearts, Mei knows that they cannot survive under such tyranny any longer. She has always considered herself a patriot of her village, and the choice to lend her support to the faction plotting against their leader was difficult but necessary. 

The Bloody Mist has become a place known for its heartless savagery, a place where none can thrive. It is a village whose children are endlessly sacrificed to the war machine in conflict after conflict, but there is no safety close to home either, for if they do not fall to the hand of enemy nin, then they are weeded out from among their own.

There is an opening to the east, and if it can be held, then the majority of their unit might have some hope of getting out of this alive. Quickly, Mei decides on a course of action, and once it is set in her mind, she is prepared and willing to do what she must, even if this is the last decision she makes. The budding hopes of their cause are too precious, and there will be no end to the horrors abiding over their village if they are all struck down today. As captain, she signals for a retreat to the east - at the very least, she knows that if Ao and his squad can get through, then the risk and sacrifice she faces on her own will be worth it.

“Fall back!” she orders, and her first and second lieutenants do not fail to notice that Mei remains unmoving, standing her ground and molding massive amounts of chakra in preparation for an offensive diversion to the enemies that still approach. While the majority of their unit follows her orders, the eight members of the squad under her immediate command spread out at her back, and she signals them to move.

“No, Taichou! We will not leave you behind. If you intend to go down, we go with you.” her second in command yells.

Mei squares her shoulders and nods. Five seconds later, she unleashes hell on the opposing forces in a flood of lava followed by blasts of airborne acid mist, taking out a great deal of the first wave. When the second smaller wave of enemy nin approach, her squad faces them head on, while the other members of their unit make haste to the east, doubling back past the borders of the Land of Water. Mei fights like a woman possessed, lost in battle frenzy for as long as she can until her chakra begins to become depleted, and the weariness hits.

Several of her men have gone down, and she is surrounded. The enemy’s side has taken a high number of casualties, but there are only five Kiri-nin left, six if she includes herself, and they still face more than double their number. Mei breathes deep, nearly choking on the scent of blood and fire, and she forces back the protests of the little girl in her head that doesn’t want to die before ever truly being allowed to live. The calm of acceptance begins to settle into her bones when suddenly there is someone else fighting at her back, wild and untamed, like a berserker, with powerful, familiar chakra radiating over him in waves. She doesn’t have to look back to know who it is, and she is torn between anger and gratitude at his blatant insubordination.

“What are you doing?” Mei yells.

“I couldn’t leave you here to die, now could I?” Hoshigaki Kisame says, hefting his monstrous sword and giving her a toothy grin. “Trying to play the hero alone...don’t you know we’re always better together?”

His smugness always infuriates her, but it gives her the push she needs to harness the last bits of her strength and continue fighting. Between the two of them, she and her former teammate exact vicious punishment on their foes until the opposing forces eventually call for their own retreat, and though the remaining Mist shinobi are still alive, it is far from a victory. The whole mission was a failure, undoubtedly staged to reduce the number of dissenters among Kiri’s forces. They have lost a great deal of fighters today, and Mei suspects hunter-nin have already been placed on standby to process the corpses.

Hours later, when she arrives at the nearest Kiri stronghold with Kisame and the five other survivors in tow, the mood is somber and bleak. Yet in the pseudo-privacy of of the barracks, she has secured the smallest hopes of the resistance, and Ao brings her coded word of their respect and appreciation. She orders his squad to return home to Kirigakure immediately to report the failure, which she is certain will come as no surprise to their leader. The rest of the unit will move the next day, so that the handful of wounded might be stabilized, though none of them have any idea of the kind of welcome awaiting them. Mei only knows that she is alive for at least one more night, and that she should bathe and rest, but the residual buzz of battle rage vibrates beneath her skin and she cannot calm down.

Mei shoulders her pack and heads to the small bath house nonetheless, though her hands still shake and her pulse pounds in her chest. As expected, there are no divisions separating the sexes within this base, not that it would be any more secure if there were. The lives of Mist kunoichi are brutal, and there are no repercussions for crimes such as rape; in most cases their training even requires it, under the assumption that strong kunoichi should always be prepared for and accustomed to being used in such ways. In the event that they are captured, a kunoichi of Kirigakure must not be susceptible to enemies who employ such tactics in torture. At home, a Mist kunoichi’s best defense is her own strength, and if she cannot hold her own against a male ninja, then whatever happens is deemed her fault in the eyes of the government and vice versa, if the situation is reversed, which is rare, but some of Kiri’s kunoichi are even more vicious than their male counterparts. A woman can be considered fully equal in power to any man, but there are no sanctioned protections in this manner, for either gender. 

The water is hot, thankfully, and Mei settles under one of the showerheads with her eyes closed, leisurely rinsing the blood, dirt, and soot from her skin, feeling the sting of the shallow cuts along her limbs, and one larger gash across her ribs. A familiar presence enters the room, and she knows without looking that it is Kisame, starting one of the showers across the small room. Mei peers at him appreciatively from beneath the cover of her hair, admiring the way the water falls over the pale blue-tinged expanse of his skin, and the well-wrought muscle defining his back. He has always been the tallest among their generation, from childhood, and his large frame has always served to intimidate those who are not already intimidated by the swordsman’s reputation. Mei’s eyes wander lower, and she stops herself, blushing furiously as she forces her eyes back up to his face. Kisame runs a hand through the dark blue locks of his hair, luxuriating in the feel of the water running down his back. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, he grins rakishly.

“If you take a picture, it might last longer, Mei-chan.” His deep voice echoes in the small bathing chamber, and her heart stutters at the sound.

“I don’t need a picture of what I already know,” she drawls, rinsing her hair.

“Except you don’t know. You’ve looked, but never touched,” he says matter-of-factly, “in spite of many opportunities. Why is that?”

“Because it would change things.” Mei soaps her skin, breathing deep to calm the butterflies that threaten to burst out of her chest. She is already wound tight and on edge with the aftershocks of battle, and his ill-timed flirting is not helping her in the slightest.

“It would change nothing.” Kisame swiftly crosses the space between them before she can blink, and presses her shoulders against the tiled wall. She gasps as he runs his nose up the curve of her neck and jaw, holding her still.

“It’s always been this way, Mei-chan. You watching me, me watching you, wanting, always wanting, ever since we were old enough to know what desire felt like. The both of us always courting death instead of each other.”

A thrill of electricity runs straight through her core, because he is right, and they have been dancing around the forces of mutual regard and attraction ever since they came of age. His breath is hot in her ear, and she trembles, but not from fear. She fears no man, and regardless of that, he won’t force her, as she knows he considers such acts to be unnecessary and beneath him. Kisame considers himself to be a scoundrel without honor, but there are still some lines he will not cross, even under orders. He had a sister once, whose emotional health did not survive her coming of age “training”, and he has never forgotten it. He has always considered it better to give an enemy a swift ending than to use them in such ways.

“K-Kisame, we can’t, not now.” she whispers, her eyes fixed on his chest, wanting nothing more than for him to fully close the distance between their bodies, but she is afraid to admit it to him.

“Mei-chan, your eyes give you away. Say yes, just this once, before the day finally comes where we don’t walk away from the battlefield. Be with me tonight.” His large, calloused hand is gentle on her cheek, and she unconsciously leans into the touch, her sea green eyes finally meeting his gaze directly. There is open yearning there, and the edge of pure hunger, and before she can stop herself, the word tumbles past her lips.

“...yes.”

He lets out a breath, as if he was not expecting an affirmative response, and in an instant his lips close over hers, soft, warm, and much more gentle than she would have expected. Mei responds in turn, eagerly lacing her fingers through his wet hair, and he grows bolder, dipping his tongue past her lips. Kisame kisses her as though he is savoring something sweet, slowly tasting her with languid caresses of his tongue against hers, and Mei sighs, lost in the dizzying excitement coursing through her veins. His hands span her waist, bringing her flush against the muscled bulk of his body, and she moans softly at the feeling of his hot, wet skin sliding across her own. The press of his mouth grows more urgent with every soft sigh tumbling from her lips, until they hear the sound of the main door opening, and he quickly pulls away.

“Not here,” he says softly in her ear, “Your quarters in ten minutes?”

Mei nods, slightly dazed. There would have been no shame in coupling there, plenty of shinobi did so. The official rules were lax regarding fraternization and casual sexual encounters in private spaces, so long as it meant their fighters were free of distraction on the battlefield. However, Mei is grateful for his sense of prudence, because while she would have preferred that their first time together take place without possible spectators, she was in no frame of mind to say so while he kissed her.

They finish bathing separately, each dressing and leaving the bath house one after another, staggering their exits so it is not obvious that they are leaving together. Mei’s heart flutters wildly, like a captive bird within her chest as she approaches the tiny room she has been allotted for the night, in accordance with her rank. Kisame is already there, his tall, powerful form taking up most of the space in the small closet of a bedchamber, and she closes the door behind her, locking it securely. Then his arms are around her, and his lips press ardently against hers, stealing her breath and forcing warmth to puddle low in her body. His fingers tangle in her damp auburn hair as he sucks and nibbles at her lips. Her hands splay along the thick muscles of his shoulders, and she sighs deeply as his lips traverse her mouth, jaw, and throat.

Mei tugs at the long sleeved uniform shirt he wears, and he pulls it away from his body, eagerly tossing it on the floor, before moving in to kiss her again. His mouth moves against hers almost reverently, and his embrace is strangely delicate, as if he is concerned that she might be injured under the strength of his hands. His bare skin is warm, smooth, and unexpectedly soft, accented with an array of scars. Mei greedily runs her hands up and down the exposed planes of his body until he shivers, breaking away long enough to lift the hem of her shirt.

“May I?” he asks softly.

“Yes.” Mei responds, lifting her arms to hasten the process. She hadn’t bothered to replace her bindings before leaving the bath house, and his eyes flit over her hungrily, somehow making her feel even more exposed than when they were both nude in the group showers together. Her nipples tighten in the cool air of the room and he lightly molds his hands against the generous curves of her breasts, running his thumbs across the rosy peaks until Mei gasps. She shoves him back to sit on the military cot against the wall, climbing onto his lap and straddling his waist, fitting her mouth against his with hot urgency.

Kisame makes a soft, considering sound as she takes the lead, rolling her hips against him, and she can feel his erection beneath her, rock hard and straining against the rough material of his pants. She plunges her tongue past his lips, teasing the sharp tips of his teeth before flicking it against his own in bold strokes. Her hips seem to move against him of their own volition, attempting the soothe the growing ache at the juncture of her thighs, but only making it worse. He groans, breaking away from her kiss as she grinds down, his hands moving slowly up and down her back before he leans forward and takes one of her nipples between his lips. She inhales sharply through her teeth as the heat of his mouth closes around her pebbled flesh, then his tongue circles and sucks, and she can feel the throb of hot wetness gathering between her legs. He moves from one breast to the other, teasing and tasting until she moans openly.

“So beautiful, Mei-chan,” he whispers, “Kami, I have wanted you for so long.”

“Me too, Kisame. I’m so sorry, everything’s just--”

“Wrong. Not conducive to love. I know, Mei. The Bloody Mist owns us, our fates and futures. But I’ll be damned if I go another day not knowing the feel of you in my arms or the taste of you on my lips.”

He kisses her again, his mouth hot and demanding, and his tongue dips past her lips to tangle with hers, sending thrills of sizzling heat throughout her limbs. Mei shifts off of his lap, and she fumbles at the closure of his pants, working them down his hips, freeing his length. He is as long and thick and perfect as she knew he would be; though casual nudity is commonplace in the outpost barracks and bathhouses, she has never seen him aroused before, and the sight alone makes her body clench and pulse with want. Mei immediately wants to taste him on her tongue, and she begins to drop to her knees, but his hands catch at her waist, stopping her and pulling her closer to him instead.

“Slow down, Mei-chan.” His voice holds a teasing edge, and she huffs in mock disapproval.

Kisame grins for a moment as he deftly unfastens the buttons of her pants, letting the loose cloth fall down the curves of her hips to gather in a small pile at her feet, which she kicks aside. His gaze rakes over her from head to toe, before he gathers her in his arms and pushes her down against the narrow bed. Mei whimpers slightly as he settles over her with a sly smile.

His lips and tongue travel hot, ticklish paths down her body, and he takes his time exploring every inch of silken skin. She is thoroughly flushed and panting by the time he finally presses her knees apart and back, settling between them. Kisame presses a kiss high upon her hip as his fingers part her gently, and his gaze travels over her appreciatively, making her face flood with even more heat. He seems to be memorizing her, and her heart jumps up into her throat at the thought. Other lovers have hardly ever taken enough care to truly see to her pleasure, let alone take the time to become so enraptured with the sight of her body, and she feels oddly self-conscious.

His fingers graze the scars high on her thigh, from a brand marking her as an elite, battle tested kunoichi fit to serve as one of the Kiri ANBU, an honor in and of itself, but one gained at the highest price. She has survived experiences that have broken many before her, and somehow still come out of those trials even stronger than before. Kisame presses his lips over the four scars and looks up at her with an unreadable emotion in his eyes. She is well aware that he knows what the scars represent and what she had to do to gain them, and a tightness weaves through her ribs, making it hard to breathe. These scars are also likely the reason they have never been together, though they have never talked about it before. He meets her eyes, and she wonders for a moment if he will pull away from her now, deeming her too damaged or too sullied by the requirements of their society, and no longer the girl he has loved in secret for all these years.

Except he doesn’t. Instead, he leans in and blows hot breath over her sodden flesh, before slipping his tongue between her nether lips, laving over her clit in lazy, full strokes that bow her spine and wrench helpless moans from her throat. His fingers join in on the assault, gently circling her clit as he moves lower, and presses his tongue past her opening, delving as deep inside her as he is able. Mei can feel him sigh against her as sensations spiral through her body, a sweet tension coiling tighter and tighter as he touches her. He moves, wedging two thick fingers inside her, curling them as she keens and his lips fix over the small bundle of nerves above her opening. He sucks gently, and his fingers move deeper and more firmly inside her, and within moments his actions force her over the edge. She cries out, quickly covering her mouth with the back of her fist as she is buffeted by pure sensation, and her inner walls spasm around his digits so violently that he can probably feel the movement against his tongue.

His fingers slip free of her, and he pauses a moment, audaciously licking her juices from his digits with a grin, and Mei tugs him up to kiss her. She can taste herself on his lips, and the thought of what he just did sends another ripple of pleasure seizing throughout her femininity. His lips move hot on her throat, the edge of his sharp teeth pricking sensitive skin, and she knows she will carry the marks of this joining for days. Each pull of his mouth on her skin makes her moan, and she can feel his cock, hard and hot, as he ruts ever so slightly against her inner thigh.

Mei runs her hands down his neck and the solid muscle of his chest, feeling the sculpted ridges and textures of his body, Her nails rake across the cobbled expanse of his abdominals, and as he shudders against her, she revels in the way he makes her feel small and vulnerable beneath the sheer size of his form, since at the same time, there is safety here, and unexpected tenderness. Kisame is not a handsome man by common standards, but he has always been beautiful in her eyes, albeit in a rough-hewn, wholly masculine way. It’s true that there are those who find his animalistic looks alarming, but once there was pride to be found in taking on the characteristics of the animal affinities associated with one’s clan. His is a rare lineage, all but gone now, and Mei has been drawn to him for as long as she can remember. His eyes are wide with surprise as she traces the gill-like markings across his cheeks, and he goes stock-still as she touches the actual gills across his shoulders, as if waiting for her to recoil. He exhales softly when Mei merely smiles and laces her fingers through his hair, pulling his face back down to kiss her again.

She reaches between their bodies to touch him intimately for the first time, and he hisses through his teeth as her fingers circle his length, skimming the ripe firmness of the tip, already wet with excitement. His skin there is velvet-soft and delicate, though the flesh is as hard as iron in her hand. As she strokes him, Kisame groans, quickly taking her hand in his own, and pulling it away from his manhood.

“Not yet,” he whispers hotly against her cheek, “If you keep at that, you’ll bring me, and I don’t want this to end so quickly.”

“But I want to feel you,” she says, in as sultry a voice as she can muster.

“I want to be inside you, Mei.”

She finds that for once in their lives, she cannot bring herself to argue with him.

His lips meet hers once more, hungrier now. Mei reciprocates in equal measure, threading her hands through the softness of his hair, kissing him harder, more passionately than before. Perhaps she is too enthusiastic, because after a few moments there is a small, sharp pain at the corner of her lip as she nicks herself against the points of his teeth, and the faint taste of copper fills her mouth. Kisame suddenly groans, his tongue flicking over the small abrasion hungrily, as his hips jerk, sliding the length of his member against the wet heat of her core.

Mei sighs, and he draws back, gazing down at her with an almost innocent sense of wonder, as if in that moment she is the very center of his world. There is so much regret, and so much left unsaid between them, but this moment is theirs alone. Kisame leans on one brawny arm to cup her face in his hand, smoothing the hair away from her face so that he can look directly into her eyes as their bodies become one.

He exhales sharply as he begins to enter her, and Mei arches against him, gasping as the head of his cock, so hot and thick, just barely presses past her opening. She is more than ready, open and slick with desire, and as he shifts his hips forward, her body yields to his, and he glides inside her with relative ease, stretching her deliciously. Kisame groans and pants as his hips settle against her, and he looks down at her with lust-clouded eyes, raining tender kisses across her cheeks as she adjusts to the feeling of him so deep inside her. Mei feels full to bursting, pierced so deeply, that she can feel him pressed against the end of her passage. When he finally does begin to move, it’s in long, slow strokes, and Mei can’t help but cry out as every thrust and drag of his body rubs against her just so, setting sensitive nerve endings alight with scintillating pleasure.

The gentleness he shows her is unexpected for a man with a known penchant for bloodthirst and savagery, but she supposes that they know enough of harshness in the world that lies beyond this room. Here, even if only for a little while, they can pretend to be whole, and love like they are free. Mei wraps her legs around Kisame’s waist, content to hold him close, to savor the feeling of him solid, warm, and real; to memorize the sensation of holding him so deep within her body. His movements remain constant and steady, and Kisame’s presence begins to overwhelm her senses. Mei is surrounded by the scent of fresh ocean and warm breezes, she can see nothing but the fervent want in his eyes, hear nothing but their ragged breathing, and the lewd sound of slick, needy flesh meeting and parting over and over again.

Her climax catches her almost off-guard, and she stifles her own cries against his lips as an onslaught of ecstatic sensation crashes through her body, forcing her to contract around him in waves that seem to go on forever. He gives a low, guttural groan, stilling his movements within her, yet he doesn’t spend himself, he simply remains sheathed deep inside her, circling his hips ever so slightly, drawing out her pleasure until even the aftershocks subside. His lips brush over the pulse point at her throat, his tongue and teeth grazing the edge of her collarbone, making her shiver.

In the space of another breath, Kisame somehow reverses their positions so that she is spread over him, impaled by his still-rigid cock. He sits up and Mei pants hard as she anchors herself against his chest, pressing her mouth along the smooth skin of his neck. She kisses him ravenously as his big hands encircle her waist, his fingers nearly meeting around her body. His hands slide down over her hips, gripping tightly, then even tighter as she raises up on her knees and lowers herself back onto him. He angles her pelvis so that the slide of his body hits her in all the right places, and the feeling is sharper, more intense than before. As the sensations escalate, Mei becomes more daring, riding him faster and harder than he moved before, and Kisame groans every time her body shifts down to rest against his hips. When the immense tension coiling within her belly finally snaps again, she buries her face in the curve of his neck to muffle her shrieks as she is wracked by sensations so intense that her vision flashes white. Kisame’s grip is almost bruising as he holds her fast, following her headlong over the precipice of pleasure. He comes with a hoarse groan, and she can feel him alive and pulsing inside her, flooding her womb with the heat of his release.

Their lips meet, breathlessly, endlessly, neither willing to stop because once this is over, they will both have to re-emerge into reality, into a world that neither truly wish to be a part of any longer. Looking into Kisame’s eyes, Mei wonders for a few moments what it might have been like, if their lives had been different, if they had been born outside of the village during a time of peace... if there might have been a future for them together.

“Run away with me, Mei,” Kisame suddenly whispers. “We can’t live like this.”

“What?! It’s impossible. You know they’ll hunt us.” Mei stammers quietly. If anyone should overhear them beyond these thin walls, it might as well be a death sentence.

“We’re skilled enough to outrun them.”

“There are others depending on us. What happens to them if we’re gone?”

“The same thing that happens if we stay. This mission was just a taste of what’s to come. The system is broken, and we’re on our own. There has to be something more, and I intend to find it. I want you with me.”

“But I can’t just up and leave the others behind.” Mei’s voice breaks, and she feels as though something vital is tearing within her chest. The tears come unbidden, as now, she knows that with full certainty this is not the beginning of what lies between them, but rather a hastening towards the end.

Kisame looks crestfallen, but accepting. He knows her too well, knows her strength, her unwavering courage, and her constant drive to protect that which she holds dear. Mei nurtures within herself and others that which he has always lacked: hope. She takes a deep, shuddering breath, trying to keep from letting her tears get the best of her, and he kisses her tenderly, tasting the traces of blood and salt left on her lips.

“I understand. I really do.” His voice is thick, almost strangled, and his arms tighten around her. Mei can feel a slight hot wetness seeping through her hair, and a vague tremble in his breathing.

This is it. This is the end.

They hold each other, trading sorrowful kisses, until the fire between them rises once more. When he takes her again, it is rough, and desperately wild. He leaves his mark on every part of her he can, and when he is done, she feels as though he is branded upon every inch of her being. When they are both spent, she cannot help but to doze in his arms, and as she drifts off to sleep, she can barely hear it when he whispers in her ear.

“I love you, Mei. I always will.”

Mei wakes to the sound of pounding on her door, and the gruff voice of her second in command alerting her to their departure in less than an hour. She is alone, and very cold despite the blankets carefully tucked up around her. Her body aches, and as memories of the previous night flow into the forefront of her mind, the pain of true heartbreak sets in, and she knows what she has to do. She will allow herself exactly five minutes to cry without restraint, screaming her sorrows into a pillow tucked between her teeth, and when she is done, she will shut the door on her feelings, leaving them behind as she leaves this room. 

She does exactly that, and thus ignores the hollow ache in her chest as she dresses and prepares for the trek back home to Kiri. Emotions are her enemy, and she locks hers away behind a facade of efficiency, clinging to her responsibilities, and making duty her main reason for moving forward.

As captain, Mei knows she has no choice but to report Kisame’s desertion to her superiors, and alert the hunter-nin to pursue him, but at the very least, she will give him a head start, secretly hoping that he does manage to outrun them. The logical part of her mind knows that he is as good as dead. Then again, at this point they all are, serving to the needs of a hopelessly corrupt government. Her next mission will likely be her last. Mei’s continually patched up heart has finally been torn to ribbons, and there is nothing left to salvage. She has nothing left to lose.

The road is rough and long, but after half a day’s travel at the highest speeds manageable, the village gates are in sight. The normal checkpoints are guarded by new recruits, and this is a curiosity in and of itself. There are more people out on the streets, and the air is charged with excitement. The remaining squads of Mei’s unit assemble in the courtyard of Jounin headquarters and are met not by the usual handful of commanding officers, but a small contingent of elders. To see them unaccompanied by Yagura is jarring to say the least, and when Mei sees Ao with them, she knows something of great consequence has happened in the span of hours since she last saw him.

When Ao spots her, he approaches quickly, followed by the elders, and when he bows to her in greeting, she looks at him incredulously. Then he speaks, and his words nearly stop her heart.

“The Yondaime Mizukage is no more. Welcome home, Godaime-sama.”

[jinxedncharmed]

I can’t even begin to dissect what happened today so I’ll sum up.

Last night I saw a great author who brought up many interesting and engaging topics. I knew MC would love to chew over them and was excited to tell him about it. We’d had a really good day and I was feeling close to him, and I was excited to share the discussions with him.

This morning I happily started to tell him about the author but he returned some weak put downs and said he was too busy to talk about anything. I was really struck by some of his belittling comments that, to me, seemed judgmental about my intelligence, suggesting the author was a fraud and i’d fallen for “clickbait,” despite him not letting me explain. He even made a rude comment, “You didnt give this guy money, did you?” Flustered, I said “Fuck you,” and went about my business. Not a harsh, hateful “fuck you,” more flippant. I was annoyed and it deflated my excitement, but I got to work.

At lunch we had to play a stupid game at my idiot Boss’s insistence. The game involved two teams (men vs women) and cards with either positive personality traits or negative ones. The goal was for each team to design two imaginary “dates” for the person sitting out the round (we all took a turn sitting out) using two positive cards. Then the opposite team would add one negative card to try to torpedo the dates. Everyone votes silently on who the person sitting out will choose. The person picks, votes revealed, points awarded. MC successfully destroyed my initial favorite date by telling his coworker “That negative card. Don’t even sell it. I have personal experience.” The card was “They are always drunk.” I refrained from getting in a row about it, but noticed he got wrong which date I picked. (All my dates sucked, the negative cards were really bad.) When it was his turn to sit out, the shitty positive cards didn’t allow my team to build the winning date, but I was the only one in the group who successfully voted for his choice.

Near the end of the day, I’m sitting working when MC returns from a meeting, takes a deep breath, and says, “Ok, one more thing.” Then he turns to me and says, “This morning you said “fuck you” to me. And that really hurt me.“ Shocked, completely mentally drained by the long week, and feeling exposed because everyone can fucking hear us, i take a moment to come to the correct response, which is a carefully worded and i hope sincere apology. (My first instinct, of course, was to fight him. My second instinct was to mock him.)

Then we get involved in a long conversation that, for me at least, is intensely personal and intimate. He says, no fewer than THREE fucking times, that he “really values our relationship,” which was a fucking dagger to my heart each time he said it. He said that in the morning he was really stressed about all he needed to do and two big meetings he had, and i didnt know what might be going on in his personal life that might be adding stress. His specific example was “Maybe I had a fight with [wife],” to which I said, “Dude, don’t fight with [wife].” I can’t look at him through this whole talk, I shoot quick glances but it’s too intense and I’m too exposed in this fucking quad, so I keep busy organizing an exam box for processing and avoid a lot of eye contact.

I explained that his comments in the morning sounded, to me, like he was making fun of me and insulting me. I said I didn’t get the message that he was busy and stressed, and he could have been more clear, because what I heard and therefore reacted to was “you’re stupid.” I said I had been really stoked to discuss the author, and i was confused by his reaction, because the day before had been fun. “You sometimes are hot and cold,” I said. “Yesterday was fun, and i shared something really private with you. I felt close to you, and then today I felt this solid wall between us, and it confuses the hell out of me.” He said that people had given him that feedback before, and he was trying to work on it. It made me concerned, because he had specifically said he has been told he’s “moody and snippy” when he’s drunk, and i didn’t want to bring in my fears about his drinking. So I backed off that, and instead said something else intensely private again. “I know you’re facing stress here at work,” I started.

“I don’t know why,” he said, “it’s not like these exams matter to me, I don’t care about CE. I shouldn’t get so invested, but now I’ve been here a year and I feel like I have a stake in things.”

“That detachment is something I really admire about you,” I said. “You know how i get wrapped up in everything, I let all the drama here eat me up. And I’m sure my anxiety and stress affects you, it must.” This whole time I’m ruffling papers, my heart is pounding, I’m holding in tears. It’s too intimate, and everyone can fucking hear us. But I forge on and say, “I don’t believe in auras or anything stupid like that, but I have been told I exude this energy, that I can walk in to a room and completely change the mood, usually for the worse. I don’t mean to. How can I help it if I’m so black inside it hurts others? Without me even speaking? But I’ll try to control my stress around you, because I don’t want to drag you down with me.”

He was quiet and clearly thinking about that. Then the conversation turned to work, the exams, the uncertainty, the lack of restructure and the workload dumped on me. Things start to get a little personal again. We talk about misunderstandings, how it’s hard to read people. “I’m very bad at that,” I said, which is pretty fucking obvious. “Relationships are hard,” he says. I cringe at his use of that word and answer, “That’s why I don’t have any. It’s too hard, I can’t take it.”

At this point my idiot Boss comes over and makes a big announcement about how she’s been listening to this conversation and it’s so long and personal but she wants to say she appreciates how hard we are working and how we have stepped up to the plate now that MC’s boss has left.

I bet she is a master cockblocker.

So then the conversation focuses more on work, so the intimacy is truly broken, and MC takes over talking to the idiot, while I bury myself in the box, and i realize there’s a big error I have to sort out. By this point I am overwhelmed; the intense, intimate conversation with MC, the humiliation of everyone hearing it, the visual clutter of the work I’m doing, idiot Boss’s inane droning, and the stress of this year all combine and just fucking break me.

I interrupt her and announce to MC there’s a problem with the box and i need his help in solving it. He takes the hint and leaves off with the idiot, graciously digging through a recycling bin to help me out, which makes me feel terrible that he’s doing so, unasked and unprompted, at least it’s recycling and not garbage. He finds one missing page, and i manage to rectify the two other problems on my own. But I’ve had it and I’m stressed. I can’t take it. I decide the only thing I can do to improve the situation is handle the visual clutter, so I start going through all the papers, notes. Post-its, toys, office supplies, meds, and everything on the desk. And because I’m panicking I start narrating it softly to myself, “You can throw this away, this can go in the drawer, this you can handle Monday, put this stack over here…”

At some point MC’s run off and the idiot Boss is talking animatedly with her lapdog and the new girl M about a team Halloween costume, which I immediately declare I won’t participate in. The noise of the conversation bothers me but I can’t address it. So I straighten up my desk, get everything set for Monday, and flee, telling them to have a good weekend. M calls out that I can call or text her; I reply that I’m going home to a nervous breakdown and a good cry. I flee through the kitchen to where MC is talking to a coworker, so I tell them both goodbye and add to him “Sorry, again, yeah ok.” So eloquent.

Jesus. This is Andy all over again. I have no idea how to manage these emotions. I mentally cannot handle this. I was just so floored when he said to me I’d hurt him. That he’d be so open in front of those people, and he expected me to be as well. And i was. The whole office got to hear a drunk with marital problems and an emotionally stunted bitch attempt to have an intimate discussion about feelings. My god, if I make it to Iceland, I’m throwing myself off a fjord.

When I got home, M had texted me:

“You need to hear this before you go down a dark path. I listened to every word that transpired and what I heard was someone who cares very deeply for you. Enough to talk to you about his hurt feelings. You don’t have that kind of real talk if you don’t care about the person. It may not be romantic, but it’s real to him. I know it was unpleasant to have that kind of conversation, but I think good things that needed to be said (him being hot and cold) were said.”

I texted her back and she continued,

“You handled it really well. My only criticism would be to let him feel appropriately bad about some of his behavior antics. Don’t let him off the hook for being a moody little pussy sometimes. He was acknowledging it, so let him acknowledge it. You really did handle it well. I was quite impressed. But I know you’re in your head right now, which is okay, but just know that from where I sat, that was actually a very positive interaction. Again - you don’t have those types of conversations (dead sober, presumably) if you don’t care for the person.”

Christ. What a fucking embarrassment. How can I go back there and know that my entire team heard that deeply intimate, unhappy conversation? And what did all of that shit even mean? How can I fucking face him? At least I have plenty to keep me busy, I’m going to be balls to the wall for the next two weeks before my trip.

I’m going to get through this. I’m not going to make the mistakes I did with Andy. This is a work friendship. I mean, the word “friendship” doesn’t do it justice. But I can’t keep thinking “relationship.” There just is no word for it. But I mean, this isn’t love. It will never be that. I have to keep that perspective. No matter what.

He does not love me. Do not allow yourself an iota of hope. Hope will kill me. Hope is the enemy. You are his friend, so be his friend. Don’t enable his drinking, but be his friend. Make amends for Andy. Make good choices this time. Choose the middle path. And remember:

No matter how much he “values our relationship,” he will never love you.