#i can't remember what exactly they had been talking about to put this in context

[clumsyclifford]

“You found me,” Alex says. A small crinkle by his eyes gives away the beginning of his smile before it dawns. “Now what?” “Now I bother you until you make me go away.” “Oh, please,” Alex says, nudging Jack's thigh with his toes. His fingers return to their task, but his voice stays in conversation with Jack. “If it were possible for you to bother me that much, I'd have kicked you out of the band years ago.”

hello everyone. i am back and i am back with jalex.

[tobi-smp]

I don't want to hold anything against this specific person, because I Remember the discourse that lead to this and I know exactly how it could get passed around and warped (either through telephone or someone's own memory shifting with time).

that said, I never liked that discourse specifically Because it was a clear misreading of the text, and what better opportunity do I have to talk about it now.

the context was the bench trio therapy stream. tommy had been beaten to death by dream, sat in limbo for months, and then revived and told Explicitly that dream was planning on escaping prison and tormenting the rest of the server.

the mindset that tommy is in is that he Has to do something, but he's deeply traumatized by what's happened to him. he's Scared to go back to the prison, but he has no choice but to do it for the safety of everyone else in the server.

the "therapy stream" was bench trio Trying to do exposure therapy on tommy to help him work through his trauma in the lead up to attempting to infiltrate the prison. and the entire point is that they Absolutely Were Not actually helping.

what they were Actually doing was triggering tommy by exposing him to things that he was traumatized by, because they didn't actually know how to do exposure therapy and what they were trying to do wasn't healthy in the first place.

so the Context of this conversation is tommy desperately trying to just, Get Rid Of his trauma (something that is absolutely not possible) while entering a worse and worse mindset because he was intentionally triggering himself.

Likewise, the context for Tubbo's half of the conversation is that he Very Intentionally represses his own trauma, both from Himself and from other people. he puts himself in a little box that he buries under the floorboards and asks people to ignore the way the boards creak when they walk on him.

there's a million ways you could cut Why he does this. part it is his people pleasing, willingly pushing himself down for the sake of everyone else no matter how painful. seeing Himself as an accessory to the people he cares about, rather than a whole complete and important person. and in part because it feels Safer, it's Safer to pretend that nothing hurt him.

and Why that is is complicated. part of it is External. he doesn't Get to be angry about what he's been through, because the people he's angry At will just hurt him again. and if he thinks about how he's hurt then he Will get angry, so he just Won't Think About It.

and part of it is that I don't think he wants to process his trauma any more than tommy does. because it's painful, because he doesn't have the tools to actually work through it, because they aren't Safe so he can't afford to break down now (trouble is, there never Seems to be a "safe" time to think about himself).

they're the Repression Brothers. the difference being that tommy's at a different stage of it. not a Healthy One, but different.

tommy spent months not being able to put into words what exile was, what pogtopia was, was the final control room was. and he still won't be able to put it in plain words for some time from here.

but he's reached the point where he Can't ignore it anymore, but he still doesn't know what to Do about it. he's still frustrated with an (to an extent) Ashamed Of his trauma. he feels Lesser Than he was before and wants it to all just go away and go back to Normal.

he's doing this because he Has To, because he Has to be strong enough to fight dream. because if he's too scared to do it then he'd be sacrificing everyone else's safety.

he and tubbo are doing the Same Thing in different fonts, sacrificing their well being for the people Around Them, including Each Other.

so, lets go back to that moment that started all of this.

the exposure therapy was on the final control room section, with tommy working through having been killed by dream.

tubbo mentions that he died that night too, and tommy says something to the effect of "you did, but you have thicker skin."

this has been taken out of context to mean "you did, but I have it worse than you," when IN CONTEXT it means "you did, but you're stronger than me," or more accurately "you did, But I'm Worse Than You."

tommy does not see his trauma in the context of stupid apologist discourse. he sees his trauma as something that makes him Worse, as something he Shouldn't Feel. as something that makes him Weaker than everyone else, who Obviously are so much more put together than he is.

when he says this he's not saying that he's more important than tubbo, he's putting himself down in comparison TO tubbo.

and this is absolutely still harmful ! This is legitimately one of tommy's character flaws ! but it is Not the selfishness that people make it out to be.

it's tommy accidentally hurting other people by seeing Himself negatively. it's an unhealthy relationship with mental health, and a Realistic one considering the circumstances and setting.

likewise, it's Just As Much born from tubbo's own unhealthy coping mechanisms. tommy assumes that what happened didn't bother tubbo the way it did him because Tubbo wants him to think that.

Tubbo doesn't let tommy see how much he's hurting, which in turn feeds into this cycle.

tubbo assumes he Has to shove his trauma down for tommy's sake (for the sake of Everyone he cares about), and so tommy assumes tubbo was just Stronger than him and wants desperately to just shove his own trauma away the way tubbo seems to be able to.

this moment IS tragic, it IS an example of the two of them hurting each other. but it's BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH THEY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER !!!

Both Of Them are trying to be strong enough to protect the other, and it's Hurting Them. it's unhealthy, but it 's not Malicious. it's self-sacrificial not Selfish. it's not something they've done to each other but what's been done To Them by the world they live in. what they've done to Themselves trying to live in it.

this shouldn't have been a discourse moment, it should've been clingyduoers tearing each other apart in the street at the tragedy of it

[whor-pheus]

BIG WILD LIFE FINALE SPOILERS!!!!

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

ive been thinking ab joel's final death sm since i watched his episode and im gonna get tism about it

Disclaimer that i DID realise some of this from another post but i cannot for the life of me remember who it was from aaa

SO! Lets look at all the other winners' deaths first. and lets take the context of minecraft out of this, esp for when we get to joel's Grian - Jumped off a cliff. Simple and effective, but also quick considering he was low health and had no armour. In a real life version, he probably would have broken his neck and died instantly Scott - Struck by lightning. I know technically it was the Watchers, but 'divine intervention' isn't exactly an IRL cause of death, nor are 'kill commands' from a non-story pov, so we'll stick with the lightning. ANYWAY, yes, lightning. In terms of death, it stops the heart. So, pretty fast, but definitely painful Pearl - Exploded. Once again, technically that's not her actual C.O.D but once again, soulmates do not exist (in the same capacity as DL, at the very least) in real life, so we're going with this. Because of how close Pearl was to Scott when he set off the TNT, she likely would've died from internal organ damage, possibly even having her heart muscle walls rupture, plus any additional damage from the schrapnel that no doubt wouldve hit her (although she definitely would've already been dead by that point). Alternatively, you could say she died of 'Heartbreak' (because her soulbound died), which I'd probably compare to a heart attack. While you can't say for certain how long the explosion death wouldve taken because of the variables, a heart attack has an upper limit, so to speak, of about 3-4 hours. Unless we're talking about Sudden Cardiac Death which is, as you might expect, instantaneous suspension of heart activity. It's pretty interesting that both of Pearl's death possibilities link back to her heart in some way in DL, but I digress Martyn - Same as Scott's lmao Scar - He's actually the only one, to my knowledge, who did not die. Which, again, is very interesting when you tie it back to his Earth (? i think? i forget lmao) association. hes not allowed to die

NOW we look at joel. Teleportation is, naturally, not a thing we can do irl (at least currently lmfaoo), so there's not an easy way to compare it like with the others. BUT that doesnt mean we can't do our damn best first, teleportation is what kept Joel alive for so long during part of the session. The fact that he uses the very thing that saved his life for so long to end it is just beautifully symbollic. not to mention the way he was laughing and making fun of his literal hunters as there were at least 5 or 6 people trying to kill him at any given point despite the fact that the entire episode he was nervous and worried about dying last minute is so painfully joel. but lets look at the actual contents of his death for a minute. Joel dies from fall damage after repeatedly throwing enderpearls into the air. He does not remove his armour for this and is at almost full health. He is, effectively, torturing himself. In minecraft, you can throw an enderpearl directly up into the air about 30 blocks. since he was throwing them forwards, as well, we'll say its only going up 25. that would still be 25 square metres, and almost 270,00 feet. but, obviously, we're taking liberties here because it's minecraft, so lets just say its 25 feet. Still, that is an insane number. That is half the length of a basketball court, the width of about four cars (on average) and four fridges (again, on average) stacked on top of eachother. And he does this (by my count) seven times in a row before dying. Everyone else died instantly in game, and more-or-less instantly from a real life standpoint, as well If that doesn't put in perspective how violent Joel's death was, i dunno what could

big fan of the angst potential here chat

[sjofn-lofnsdottr]

What is the origin of their personality? And let's be honest - how much of it is projecting?

As I've mentioned here and there, Dusk, Mercuriel and Errol were all created for a RP thing I was in many years ago. It was a post-apocalypse setting.

To start with, I made someone entirely unsuited to the post-apocalypse in a particular way, which was Errol, a depressed coward. Errol was that way because I wanted to offset the more violent, ruthless characters in our group and see how long he managed to survive (obviously, I made peace with the idea he might not). As it turned out, when I was writing Errol, he was so pathetic wet soggy cat that even warlords wanted to wrap him in a blanket and give him soup. Was that intended? Not really. But I sure did lean into it.

The depression part was projection. :D

Mercuriel, I wanted to make someone who was extremely skilled at talking his way out of trouble. Someone who was really kind of an asshole but so damn charming about it people liked him anyway. And someone who was, in fact, a way bigger asshole than people realized because those little charming asshole moments were a drop in the bucket compared to what he really thought.

The problem with wanting to write a character like that, is having to figure out how to actually be that charming! I have been assured I managed, but woof. He was the hardest to write for sure.

Catty inner asshole might be a little bit of a projection. I promise I'm not nearly as petty, though. I promise!

So both those guys, they had very messy inner lives (which sometimes became messy outer lives). For my next character, I wanted someone completely different from that. Someone who was exactly who he seemed to be, and who wasn't really very messy at all. And so I created Dusk, a genuinely nice man, a man that is genuinely an open book, a man who is genuinely as low drama as he seems at first blush. Dusk is the nicest man in the world, who has nearly endless love for his fellow man, and as a result seems completely out of place in the rough world he found himself in. But he forges such strong bonds with people, on account of his being so kind and so willing to help people, he wound up one of the most secure people in the game, and most able to cope with The Horrors because of the support network he was a part of. None of that is projection, it's more ... idealistic goals.

No, what is projection are a lot of the little quirks I gave him. He's a terrible insomniac. He doesn't have no thoughts, he has EVERY thought and his mind never stops turning them over and over and over in his head. He hyperfocuses and forgets to eat, and then when he's reminded he should, he eats whatever is fastest/easiest to shove in his face so he can go back to doing something more interesting. Some things he remembers very, VERY well (names, conversations he had months ago, what things look like), and yet he can't remember where he just put his paintbrush, and then forgets he was doing something that required a paintbrush two minutes later. If you get him talking, he will talk and talk and talk and talk, giving excessive detail because context is important, even if it's not actually necessary.

Eventually I was reading up on ADHD for a friend, and realized Dusk probably has some form of ADHD.

Then I realized, oh. I probably have some form of ADHD.

Good times.

Thank you for the ask!

[la-principessa-nuova]

For the longest time I was aware that if someone else were in my shoes, I would suggest that they try therapy, but I didn't take my own advice.

I felt like, since I was pretty aware of what was going on in my head, and I knew a fair amount about psychology, that it could really do anything for me.

I figured I'd end up talking to someone who knew the same things I did but lacked the context of my own brain and gave bad advice, and it would get me nowhere.

It turns out I was very wrong about that.

I've now been in therapy for 6½ months, and it is helping me so much. I am in such a better place, feeling more in control of my life, and more clear-headed because of therapy.

Even though a lot of the revelations are things I've realized before, having someone else point them out to me makes it a lot easier to recognize them for being an issue and to give myself permission to do the things needed to fix them.

And all the things where I go, "Yeah, X is a problem, and doing Y would fix it, but... you know..." and everyone in my life goes, "yeah, you can't really do Y...," and my therapist is like, "Why can't you do Y?" and then I think about it throughout the week and then I do Y and my life gets 150% better.

Also just conveying information about past things to another person kind of forces you to get the information in order, and when that other person also knows exactly which questions to ask, you can end up remembering things you hadn't thought of in years.

I could go on more, but I don't feel like it, so just go get therapy if you are putting it off.

If you're worried about getting a bad therapist, that's a very valid concern. I probably got very lucky getting a very good therapist that is a good fit for me on first try, but here's what I did to increase the odds:

I went on Psychology Today and put in my location.

I then used the breadcrumbs at the top of the page to go back up to the state level. Since I was looking to do therapy online, I didn't care about them being close, just licensed in my state, but even if you're looking for in person, go up to the highest level you're willing to travel to.

I filtered by the specialties relevant to me.

I filtered to those who work with adults (since I am one), Online (as opposed to In Person), and are currently accepting new patients (Available).

At this point a lot of the descriptions sounded like a bad fit, and for a while I was overwhelmed by the search and put off reaching out to anybody, but then I had an idea: I only needed to find 1 good fit amidst all the bad fits, even if it meant filtering out some good fits. So I filtered it down to only Nonbinary Therapists, who are more likely to have an inclusive understanding of gender. Find something similar if this filter doesn't apply to what you're seeing a therapist for.

This left me with very few therapists. I read their descriptions to see if they were a good fit.

In the description, I looked for whether their tone sounded like someone I would get along with and respect the opinion of, whether they seemed like they would have an up-to-date understanding of neurodivergence, and whether it seemed like they were actually an expert in the specialties I selected, versus just listing everything under the sun. Avoid the ones that list everything at all costs.

Finally I tried reaching out to a therapist. The first one I reached out to never responded, so after waiting a week, I reached out to another therapist, who did respond and set up an initial consultation call.

I was so nervous with the initial consultation call, but I got through it and it seemed like a good fit. If it doesn't, try a different one.

Also if you are neurodivergent, I highly recommend finding a neurodivergent therapist, especially one with the same neurotype as you. It makes it much easier to accept difficult-to-accept things when you can't make the excuse that they just don't know what it's like. Plus just having more things in common makes it way easier to explain things since you have more common ground to build explanations or analogies off of.

[tossawary]

As I post about rereading SVSSS for lore and characterization, and about sometimes ignoring canonical details for the sake of whatever story I want to tell / explore in fanfiction for fun, I want to make it clear that I don't make these changes because I think it makes a "better story" or that I can write a "better story". I don't even like using the term "fix-it" for my canon divergence AUs that avert some in-universe tragedy, even if it is the "correct" fandom term in some cases, because I don't think that SVSSS is a story that needs to be "fixed".

(Honestly, a lot of my minor alterations to canon's details are because I can't remember what exactly canon is and can't always be bothered to hunt for one sentence (which I may or may not remember existing at all) across multiple volumes, especially when I don't always think strict faithfulness to canon is that crucial to the main concept of what I'm doing. I wrote PINTWILF and several other fics before the official English translations were fully released, when checking minor details was an even greater pain in the ass. Sometimes, I'm cooking without the recipe in front of me because I just want to eat.)

Like, I have criticisms of SVSSS, definitely. When I first started writing SVSSS fic, I was more frank about this (fond but less fond of the characters and world than I am now), and I've talked about things I wished the story expanded on more. I think it has flaws. I know those flaws are a dealbreaker for many people. But it's not my story. I can't tell MXTX's story better, because I believe that every author's story belongs to them and only they know what they're trying to achieve, even when I may personally think that the story might have been stronger if it had done something differently or I'm ignoring some minor detail specifically because I don't really like it.

It's awkward, sometimes, occasionally being told by someone that they enjoyed my fic more than the original story. It's very flattering (I can't pretend I don't have an ego) and I don't think anyone means any harm by this, people enjoy stories or don't for many different reasons (enjoyment is not necessarily an indication of quality and I think engaging with fandom can often be more fun than just reading a story on its own by yourself), but it is a little awkward, especially when SVSSS is not an English / western story. I have an advantage appealing to western readers. Reading a translation of the original story, I know there are details of SVSSS going over my heard, references I'm missing, nuances I don't recognize, even as I endeavor to keep learning. I personally enjoy some of my fics more than SVSSS itself because I associate them with good experiences and a lot of them appeal to me personally in some way or another (all of my favorite tropes! we all have favorite tropes!), but they are built on the back of someone else's original work on the other side of the world, and I want to be respectful of that.

I don't want to compete or fix. I'm not trying to compete or fix, I think I would fuck it up if anyone seriously set that task on me, and I don't think that's a good way to view anything. I want to explore and appreciate. I'll type up a lengthy post at some point as to why I'm generally not interested in concrit on my fics (honestly, mostly it's because I'm not interested in being told that a reader hates the present tense and wishes I would rewrite the entire story, which has happened to me before), but I hope that doesn't come off as disinterest in the original story or its cultural context, or as me thinking even a little bit that any of my stories are flawless and/or better than the original.

I want to make a "why would you put two bad bitches (compliment) against each other like this?" joke here, but I also want to be clear: I think MXTX is by far the badder bitch (compliment) in this situation.

(Turning off reblogs, btw, because this post skews more on the personal side.)

[bl00dlight]

In your most recent ask you spoke about how Ewan said Aemond has the code to be able to walk out on people thus he wouldn't allow himself to be vulnerable/being loved can't help him. But I also have to remind you that Ewan also said that Alicent would be the exception to that code, he wouldn't be able to walk out on her for example, and he also said, and I quote; "I think that's the only way you can beat Aemond, is with love." So I'd argue that saying he'd refuse to be loved or refuse to be genuinely close to someone isn't quite correct. Because talking about show Aemond, I think Ewan has been making it quite clear that Aemond would be willing to be close to people who care for him. All I'm saying is that I don't think things are so black and white, I think Aemond, the one from the show at least, would be able and willing to form connections.

I mean yes, no I agree. I said that he'd be able to form connections.

But I think what Ewan meant by that quote isn't "you can fix Aemond with love." It's that you can BEAT Aemond with love. Those are two separate ideas. What Ewan meant was, in that context of him saying that was to do with why he kicked Alicent out of the council room. Which I talk about, and Ewan talks about Aemond not wanting Alicent in the room because she MAKES him vunerable/emotional. And Aemond doesn't want to feel those things, he doesn't want to be put in a position of weakness. He is a character defined by fear. And for him genuine vunerablity = fear.

What Ewan meant is, you can dampen his worst impulses with love. But you can't make him feel more secure with love. Because love makes him feel vunerable aka beaten/weak. Love doesn't mean you'd fix him. Because what happens when you trigger his insecurities? What happens when you do what Alicent and Helaena both do and point out he is violent/cruel?

I think it's a deeply unrealistic idea to frame Aemond as basically, he'd call the whole thing off, this entire personality would go from violent, power hungry, controlling etc

To loving family man - if he is just given some love/care/affection.

He literally PAYS the Madame to do that exact thing and still walks out on her. Because she means nothing to him. He was confessing something which is MASSIVELY vunerable - that he feels guilty for Lucerys - he exposes himself completely to her; yet feels nothing for her. He can just abandon her. Which is Ewan says is Aemonds philosophy. Don't get attached. You can't get hurt if you're not attached.

“Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” That’s the code his character utilizes so he’s able to maneuver around this world without getting caught by Al Pacino."

But unless you were his family members (the ones he actually cares about) Unless you were Alicent and Helaena - he'd be using you as a substitute. Which Ewan also talks about Aemond finding substitutes for that love he so desperately wants. A substitute is not the same thing.

He hasn't exactly been very kind to Alicent has he? When she puts her hands on him he pushes them away after he told her to go back to 'domestic pursuits'. He has trash talked her all season, called her weak.

I think in season 1, yea. His character would be more willing to be close to others: but his character was in a place of greater stablity.

But season 2 is a whole different story. He is like 18 years old and has experienced an unbelievable amount of trauma in the span of a few months. And now? All the stablity he once has is completely gone. Remember, trauma is something that pulls you further and further down into your worst impulses. Why? Because it's a survival reflex. Aemond in s2 has lost ALLLLLLL the love/stablity he once had with his mother/family. Which again, was already very dysfunctional anyway. But it was managed. And Aemond wasn't in a position of power like he now is.

Alicent tries to be close with him.

I don't think you've quite interpreted what I was saying, I wasn't saying Aemond would refuse love/care - in fact I have a whole section discussing how that's exactly what he wants. Only it wouldn't be a functional idea of love and care for the person who was giving it to him.

The ask was specifically asking me how I think he'd behave in a relationship where he is loved and cared for. And I said... well exactly how he behaves with Alicent and Helaena (who both do love and care for him).

I mean, if you want to take Alys for an example - we don't really know what their relationship was like or the dynamic. But just from the fact in the books there was clearly, a romantic element to it - Aemond isn't fixed. He gets worse. He grows more violent, more wrathful, more vengeful. He kills and destroys everything around him whenever he feels the slightest bit threatened or insulted.

And if we apply that to show Aemond? Well... yea makes sense. Alys would just be another substitute. He can siphon what he wants as long as he has power. He can let you get close as long as you never threaten him, as long as he never starts to feel like he might be vunerable in the relationship.

As I said - I never said Aemond can't form connections. He can and he does. I said those connections wouldn't be stable. Put it this way, Alicent is Aemond's greatest vunerablity. And he treats her like shit now that she has turned away from him.

How could a man who has never been shown unconditional love? Ever express that? I don't think I'm being black and white. I think it's actually more black and white to interpret what Ewan said as equalling Aemond is easily fixed with love. Because it's not what he said. He said he is BEATEN by it.

And what does Aemond not want? To be beaten. He doesn't want to feel vunerable or weak. So why would he lean into that if he feels he is going to be beaten? And why would he distance himself from Alicent to the point of stripping her from her only power - if it wasn't for the fact that his love for her makes him feel vunerable?

It's black and white to think Aemond is uncomplicated enough that he would just change his entire way of being for love.

He wouldn't. Love threatens him. It beats him.

And the only way to negate any of that would be to basically give in to whatever he wanted, whenever he wants. To have no power, never complain if he mistreated you or others etc.

Again, S1 proves that even with the stablity of his family - he still lashes out towards others. You're forgetting that Aemond wasn't just hurt by Alicent. He was hurt by HIS ENTIRE FAMILY. His brother, his nephews, his cousins, his half-sister, his father. They all neglected him/bullied him etc. This man would not trust anyone lmao. And he literally doesn't we see that time and time again.

Alicent was the only one who ever stood up for him. He is attached to her.

And Helaena too, Helaena has likely never questioned him before or made him feel bad. They share an affinity for being the outsiders so she has only ever made him feel comforted most likely.

It's not until Alicent and Helaena turn away from him - that he fucken loses it on them. Okay Alicent was rightfully upset with Aemond in episode 1 of s2 for killing Luke and he has been hating on her ever since?

Aemond literally assaults Helaena when she refuses the idea that she would help him kill people.

Yea, you could get "close" to him - but my whole post was that being close to him wouldn't be you were exempt from his abuse. And any love/care he feels for you wouldn't be something he LEANS into unconditionally. Because his ego/his wounds are bigger than just that. It's not black and white to see that.... any connection with him would be dysfunctional.

I explicitly stated he is absolutely capable of love and care and connection. But my whole post was about the fact... it would be a nightmare and wouldn't be how you think of love/care/connection. We are talking about a man who has more power then like... well, in a sense he's the equivalent to a billionaire with a nuke - who also rules the world. Oh and also he has been abused and traumatised.

There is a zero percent chance he would form healthy attachments/connections.

[the-rorster]

BENNY WEEK

PT: Benny Week

Day One: Potion making

PT: Day One Potion making

Fanfiction !!

Summary: Sure the first love potion didn't work out, but inspired by a work of Shakespeare, Benny tried to make another. This time he'll win her heart for sure! Or .... Will someone else steal his?

Pairing Rory Keaner/Benny Weir (Erica Jones/Benny Weir mentioned)

Word count: 2,322

I can't put this on ao3 right now so it's below the cut but I'll let you guys know when it's there too

ALSO !! the movie Benny watched is the uh. A Midsummer Night's Dream 1999. Which. May clear up some of the 'what the fuck is he talking about' (I was able to find it online a while back if anyone needs it)

Occasionally, a pretty good thing about reading something in class would be that you got to watch something after it. Now this was never something cool, like the latest Batman movie that had Catwoman in it, but at the very least is was better than reading.

Now Benny had been alive long enough to know that “Shakespeare” meant “stop paying attention.” even if he DID try to understand, it was all way too confusing and would leave him with a headache. And normally the Shakespeare movies weren't much better, but. This one had minor nudity to its advantage. And that Hermia chick was kind of hot.

And while he was mainly watching for the two women with names that were way too similar, there was something else that grabbed his attention. Something that he found himself thinking about for the rest of the day.

See, if you were to ask Benny what A Midsummer Night’s Dream was about, he wouldn't be able to tell you. It would probably be something like ‘A big foursome relationship is in a fight and the sun god turns some guy into a donkey to sleep with a fairy’ but there was one part that Benny would be able to explain relatively well. Love potion was involved. And it makes the relationship funky and complicated. One of the men had started to care more for the wrong woman, and in an attempt to fix it, the relationship was only skewed even further. But in the end, they didn't wait for it to wear off or wash it off or something. No, the way to fix this love potion mishap was by using more and more love potion until it was fixed. It seemed… almost too good to be true. And the thought of it haunted him throughout the day.

When Benny had tried to make a love potion, it did not work out well. At all. And sure, this was fictional, but, it got the gears turning. There had to be other potions than the one in his book. Something more… potent. Permanent. He wouldn’t make the same mistake as last time though. No. He knew exactly who he wanted to use this stuff on. And lets just say it was a blonde.

Now research had never been something Benny was big on, but it wasn’t like the answers were going to appear in his hand. He’d done enough research in the past to figure out what ‘the bloodsucker diaries’ was, he could do enough now to find out if this potion was even real.

He started by finding a transcript of the play. You know the thing he was supposed to have already read. So he could see what exactly was said about the potion, its ingredients, and its usage.

It was difficult work. The language made him squint and his brain hurt to read. The damn thing was way longer than he remembered it being too. His grandma would only be out shopping for so long, he didn't have forever. After what felt like ages of skimming context he didn't even understand, he found it. The flower. And. It wasn't really a potion at all, just.. flower juice? What even IS flower juice?

Benny sighed as he stared at the computer in front of him. There had to have been more to it than just whatever flower juice was, but the reading he was doing was already hurting his head. There had to be something else. He still had to find out whatever the hell a “love-in-idleness” flower was.

Typically, a dark, scary seeming website was not one that Benny wanted to be on. Everything about the website shouted witchcraft, and that was something that his grandma had been very clear he should steer clear from. But what really was the difference between witchcraft and what he was doing anyways. Magic was magic, and it wasn't like he was using it for any reason he wouldn't be using his normal magic before.

Besides, this magic was kind enough to tell him that the fabled Shakespearean flower was just a pansy. And that “flower juice” meant nectar.

There was more to it, in fact, than just putting flower nectar on someone's eyes. Slipping into his grandma's cabinets for the ingredients that he would need, he knew that he'd have Erica's attention all over him once again. She'd be the princess to his Han after all.

Unlike what was portrayed in the story, you didn't have to recite a poem to someone every time you wanted them in the influence of the potion, just once while putting it all together, and everything would be smooth sailing from there. Easy as cake. Or pie. Or. However the saying goes.

Everything would have gone completely according to plan. If it weren’t for Rory.

See, if things would have gone Benny’s way, he would have finished making his potion, stuck it in an eyedrop container, and hid it away somewhere until he could get a chance to pick up on one of Erica’s Chores - Sure, Rory was normally on top of all that, but Erica was always commenting on how she wouldn’t mind “Another little dork” so she could take a nap. And if things would have gone Benny’s way, thats exactly what would have happened.

But things never did.

And what Benny had forgotten was that since the Morgans and Rory’s parents were out of town, his dependant little friend needed someone to spend the day with. Benny had gotten to step two (stick the concoction into in eyedropper) before Rory showed up at his window

“Can I come in?” Rory asked, earning a sigh from Benny as he opemed the window and muttered a ‘Come on in’ knowing that if he didn’t, Rory would be stuck outside of his open window.

Rory climbed through the window and then looked around, sniffing. “Smells like.. flowers in here.”

“Really?” Benny asked. He knew Rory had a good nose, but he didn't think it would be that good.

“Yeah. Only like, faintly, but.” Rory shrugged, sitting on Benny's bed. “Thanks for letting me spend the night. It means a lot since my moms are out of town.

Benny nodded. “Yeah, it's no biggie.”

Rory looked around the room,he’d been to Benny’s house plenty of times before, but their typical meeting place was Ethans, so Benny knew that every time Rory came, there was something else to look at. Recently, he had gotten a catwoman poster.

“Wanna play zombie crushers?” Benny asked, earning a very quick nod from his blond companion. He left the room to find Rorys controller (because, of course Rory had a controller that he left at Bennys for when he was over. He has one at Ethan's too) and when he returned, Rory had the eyedrop container full of love potion in his hand. He was sniffing at it.

“Hey. What's this?” He asked as soon as Benny was in the door, not looking up from the dropper.

“It's. Uh. My eye drops.” Benny lied. “For my eyes. They get… dry in the morning. Leave them alone.”

Rory nodded, putting the eye drops down on the desk where he'd picked them up from. “They're flower scented or something.” Rory said as he turned to Benny, heading over for his controller. “They smell good.”

“Okay. Don't go sniffing peoples eye drops.”

“I just wanted to know where the smell was coming from.” Rory said as Benny handed him his controller.

Grandma Weir came home and after being told that Rory was spending the night, made the boys some garlic-less pizza, which Rory said was “the bomb”

Once Benny was tired out, he told Rory to wake him up when breakfast was ready and then sent him downstairs to watch TV while he slept. Which Rory happily did.

Benny couldn't remember what he dreamed about. Maybe the rain? The last thing he remembered before waking up was feeling the water drop gently on his face. When he woke up, Rory was sitting over him in bed. “Your grandma made pancakes.”

Rory was probably the most beautiful being Benny had ever seen. Benny always throught Rory was cute, it just. It wasn't something he ever wanted to admit. For some reason though, today he felt like Rory looked extra cute.

“You- you uh. Look really good today.”

Rory made a face. “Uh.. thanks man. I haven't.. done anything.”

Rory stood, and walked back over to Benny's desk where he put down Benny's eyedropper bottle.

What Rory was doing was not as important to Benny as how.. amazing he looked doing it. Something about Rory just felt so different now. Benny felt pulled to him. He sat up from his bed, feeling a little dazed.

“How do eye drops work?” Rory asked, waiting for Benny to get up so they could go downstairs and eat pancakes. (Even though Rory was craving something a little more… alive)

“Huh?”

“You need them in the mornings don't you?”

Benny had no clue what Rory was talking about. “Eye drops just make your eyes wet I think.”

“Oh.”

That was the end of that conversation. Benny stood up and the both of them went downstairs for breakfast, but Benny couldn't tear his eyes from Rory. He couldn't figure out what was different about Rory today but it had to be something.

“Is there something in my face?” Rory asked, clearly feeling a little self conscious from Benny's staring.

“No, your face is just so pretty.” Benny had no clue why he said that out loud, but he couldn't turn back now.

“uh.” Rory blushed, looking away from Benny. And Benny was glad his grandma wasn't in the room. “Thanks. Yours— yours is too..”

Was it normal for a compliment from a friend to make you feel completely warm inside? All the way through your stomach and your bones? No. But that's how Benny felt anyways. He looked at Rory. At the red on his face. He wanted to kiss him. Benny didn't even realize he was leaning forward until Rorys eyes widened and he backed up, face even redder than before.

“Since you're. Uh. Awake. Do you think I can go on a squirrel hunt? Nothing against your grandma's pancakes but-”

“Oh. You want to leave.”

“Well! I want to come back! I just! I'm hungry for… blood.. and-”

“You can have mine.”

Rory hesitated. “What?”

“My blood. I can give you like. A pint.”

Rory swallowed heavily. His mouth watering. Benny didn't know why he had offered himself to the vampire so quickly. Something about his blood being inside the other. Feeding him. Just thinking about it brought that warm feeling back to him.

“There's.. a lot of stuff we would need. For me to take from you safely.”

“Okay. That-thats fine. Let's go.. get whatever we need so you can-”

“You really don't have to do that, I mean, I'll be fine off a squirrel.”

“I want to.”

Rory nodded. “I'm going to. Uh. Go to Erica's. I'll be right back. You eat the rest of your breakfast… and mine. I can't take from you unless you've eaten enough.”

Benny nodded as Rory ran out the door. There was no reason why he should have been this excited about getting his blood drawn. Except maybe the fact that Rory was even hotter than the vampire nurse he had originally wanted to draw his blood, AND he was going to get to watch Rory drink it. Benny ate his pancakes, it took Rory a little longer to come back than Benny thought it would, but after finishing his own meal and half of Rory’s, he heard the knocking of a vampire who couldn't come in unless invited.

He lead Rory inside and finished his meal quickly as he could, but Rory said they had to wait before he could draw any blood.

“Do you wanna watch Batman while we wait?” Benny offered, watching the way Rory's eyes widened.

“Uh. YEAH!”

Once Batman was started and ready to go, Benny sat next to Rory on the couch. As close to him as he could get. And Rory's face reddened, but he surely didn't do anything to stop it. The entire movie, the two were cuddled on the couch together, neither making the comments they would normally make in the movie. Probably because both were too occupied with thinking about how close they were. How they were literally cuddling together. How nice the other smelled.

When the movie was over, neither wanted to get up. They stayed like that for a while, before Benny whispered. “So.. you want my blood now?” And Rory nodded.

Benny offered a pint, but Rory only took half of that. He said it would be more than enough to tide him over for a long time. It didn't even hurt when Rory inserted the needle. Benny was more focused on Rorys face.

Once Benny had given his half pint and Rory carefully removed the needle, Benny leaned forward. His head felt hazy, giving him the freedom to do what he wanted to do without remembering that there'd be consequences. He caught Rorys lips in a kiss. He felt him freeze, kiss back, and then push away all in a matter of seconds. The push away feeling like a rejection.

“Whyd you.. stop?”

“Loosing blood can make you do crazy things. I don't want you to realize what you did and feel like I… took advantage of you.” Rory said as he cleaned the needle and stood up to dispose of it.

“That. That won't happen.” Benny's eyes followed Rory through the room, watching as he came back to the couch and sat down next to him. “I love you.”

Rory smiled a little, pushing air as a poor excuse for a laugh. “Yeah. I doubt that. But. I love you too.”

[batsplat]

new casey podcast have you seen it

https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=ye8wNfrvaPDjtpDV&v=IuwZN6aP8sg&feature=youtu.be

(link to the podcast) yeah I did, cheers!

there's not that much 'new information' per se within this podcast, though there's a bunch of nice tidbits about teenage casey. what stood out to me is how the framing of his journey to becoming a racer is... well, it's kinda new? it's not exactly surprising, because you could get a lot of this stuff from reading between the lines in his autobiography. the question of 'is this your dream or your parents' dream' is a very common one with athletes, and it's often a thin line... but, y'know, this podcast interview in particular is quite a noticeable shift in how casey himself talks about this issue. it's a shift in how he portrays his 'dream' of becoming a professional rider back when he was formulating his autobiography, versus how he's answering questions in this episode. his autobiography isn't free from criticism of his parents - but casey is always stressing his own desire to race. so you do get stuff like this (from the autobiography):

At this point things were getting serious. Dad used to say, 'If you want to become World Champion you can't be that much better than local competition,' holding his finger and thumb an inch apart. 'You have to be this much better,' he'd say, holding his arms wide open. Dad confirms this feeling still today: 'I know it's a harsh way to look at things but that's the difference between a champion and the rest. Just look at the careers of Dani Pedrosa and Jorge Lorenzo. Dani had Alberto Puig and Jorge had his old man, both of them hard as nails. If you want to make it to the top I think it takes somebody with an unforgiving view on life to help get you there. So I said those things to Casey, particularly when we went to the UK, because to keep moving up a level he couldn't just be happy with winning a race. If he wasn't winning by a margin that represented his maximum performance then he wasn't showing people how much better he was than the rest.' There's no denying that Dani, Jorge and I became successful with that kind of upbringing and sometimes you probably do need it. As far as I'm concerned Alberto was nowhere near as tough on Dani as my dad was on me or Jorge's dad was on him. That kind of intensity and expectation puts a lot of extra pressure on a father-son relationship that isn't always healthy. We definitely had our moments and there were a few major blow-ups to come. But at the time, rightly or wrongly, it was proving to be a good system for us and I was eager to continue impressing my dad and others with my performances on the track.

(quick reminder, jorge's review of his father's style of parenting was describing him as "a kind of hitler")

but in general the emphasis is very much on how much casey enjoyed racing, on how single-minded casey was when it came to racing. he might have been isolated by his racing (again this is from the autobiography, in the context of discussing being bullied by kids in school until he got 'protection' from his dirt track friends):

School life was a whole lot better after that but I still hated it. All my real friends were from dirt-track; they were the only people I had anything in common with.

and he's talked about how other parents misinterpreted his shyness as him not actually wanting to race, which meant they were judging casey's parents as a result (autobiography):

Mum tells me that the other parents thought she and Dad were awful because I cried as I lined up on the start line. She remembers: 'I was putting his gloves on his hands and pushing his helmet over his head. The thing was, I knew Casey wasn't crying because he didn't want to ride or because he was scared. He just didn't like the attention of being stared at by all these people!'

but like. overall racing for him was still something he portrayed as a very positive aspect of his childhood. something he always clung onto, something that was his choice to pursue

so... let's play compare and contrast with some specific passages of the autobiography and this podcast, you decide for yourself. take this from his autobiography:

After I started winning more times than not, and it was obvious my passion for bikes wasn't wavering, Mum and Dad decided that seeking out sponsors could be a great idea to help offset some of the costs of travelling to meets and keeping the bikes in good order.

and here, in a longer excerpt about what a sickly child casey was, what his mother said (autobiography):

'They tested him for cystic fibrosis and he was on all kinds of medication; you name it, he was on it. But Casey still raced, we couldn't stop him.' I know I was sick but Mum was right, I wasn't going to let that stop me.

versus this from the podcast, when he's responding to a completely open question about how he got into riding:

To be honest, I don't know if I was allowed to have any other attraction to be honest. I think it was, you know, you're going to be a bike rider from when I was a very very young age - and I'm not the only one to think that. I think my parents have stated that enough times to certain people and you know I was sort of pushed in that direction. My elder sister who's six and a half years older than me, she actually raced a little bit of dirt bikes and dirt track before I was born and when I was very young, so it was sort of a natural progression to go and do a little bit more of that and I think because at the time road racing was a lot more similar to dirt track. That was our sort of way in.

this was one of the very first questions in the interview, it basically just consisted of asking casey how he got into biking in the first place - whether it had come through his family or whatever. casey chose to take the response in that direction... it's not an answer that is just about his own internal passion, how he loved riding the second he touched a bike, how he loved it throughout his childhood etc etc (which is how it's framed in the autobiography) - but instead he says he wasn't allowed to do anything else. he says that he was pushed in that direction, that his parents have openly said as much to others. that he feels vindicated in the belief he was never given another choice

let's play another round. here from the autobiography:

Mum and Dad used to stand at the side for hours on end watching me practise at different tracks. They'd sometimes clock laps with a stopwatch as I went round and round. Other parents couldn't see the point in taking it so seriously but they didn't realise it was what I wanted. I was having fun. Working out how to go faster was how I got my kicks and I couldn't stop until I had taken a tenth or two of a second off my best time on any day. If another kid came out onto the track with me I would be all over them, practising passing them in different ways and in different corners, but most of the time they avoided riding with me and I would be out there on my own, racing the clock.

and this (autobiography):

I enjoyed racing so much that even when I was at home riding on my own I would set up different track configurations to challenge myself. I'd find myself a rock here, a tree there, a gatepost over there and maybe move a branch and that would be my track.

versus here, in the podcast:

Q: And did you realise at the time that you were - not groomed, is not the word but well you were being groomed to be a professional motorcycle racer, or obviously that was your only one reference point, that was the norm. Did that just feel the norm or did you think actually this feels a bit intense or how did you feel about it? A: I think it's hard, it's not until I sort of reached my mid teens where I started to have a bit of a reality check on what I was actually doing. Before then, you know I was competitive. I'm not as competitive as people think, I'm a lot more competitive internally rather than externally versus other people. I always challenge myself to things, so all those younger years was just getting the job done that I was expected to do. I enjoyed winning, I loved it, but you know I enjoyed perfect laps, perfect races, as close as I could get to that and you know from a young age I always sort of challenged myself constantly to be better. So I didn't just win races, I tried to win them - you know, if I won races by five seconds in a [...] race I'd try and win, you know I'd try and get to double that by the end of the day if I could. So you know that always kept me sharp and it stopped me from being sort of, you know, complacent in the position I was at. And it wasn't until sort of you know 16, 17, 18 that reality kicked in. I'd had a couple years road racing in the UK and Spain, been rather successful and then you get to world championships and you know maybe an engineer that was sort of - didn't have your best interests at hear. And, you know, I nearly finished my career right there after my first year of world championships just because of the reality of how hard it was in comparison to everything else I'd experienced up to that point. And, you know, it was a real reality check for me and I think it was then that I started to - you know consider everything around me and consider how and why I got to the position that I was in and that's when the mind started to change a little bit and realise that you know I really was being groomed my whole life just to sort of be here and be put on a track and try and win. And, you know, that was my seemingly most of my existence.

in all the excerpts, he stresses how much he enjoys his perfect laps, how much he enjoys riding, how there is genuine passion there, how dedicated he is to this pursuit... but then in the podcast, he's adding something else - how he'd been groomed his whole life into that role of 'professional bike racer'. that it was only in his late teens (when he was in 125cc/250cc) where he had this moment of 'man I never really had a choice in all this'

and another round. here's him talking in the autobiography about how all the money he got through racing went back into racing - but it was fine because it was the only thing he cared about anyway:

I don't remember seeing any of the money I earned because it all went back into my racing, although I guess at the time that's all I really cared about anyway. I didn't know anything else. Mum and Dad always said to me: 'If you put in the effort, we'll put in the effort.'

and here in the autobiography on how he just wanted to ride all day:

I couldn't ride my bike all day, though, as much as I would have liked to.

and him talking in the autobiography about his parents encouraging him and his sister to 'chase their dreams':

Mum and Dad encouraged both Kelly and me to follow our passions and work hard to chase our dreams. That might sound strange when you are talking about a seven-year-old but I don't think you are never too young to know that if you want something you have to earn it.

versus this in the podcast:

Q: And I've never asked you this before, but did you want to? A: Um... I think I'd been convinced of a dream I suppose. You know, yes I loved riding bikes and you know I really did enjoy racing... but there was lots of other things that I - I really enjoyed as well but just never had the opportunity or never was allowed to do anything else, so... You know, motorbikes for our budget everything fortunately dirt track was probably the cheapest way that you could go motorbike racing. You could survive on very very little in dirt track and show your potential in other ways. You know, yes, having good bikes and good tyres and all that sort of thing made a difference but it wasn't the be all end all, you could always make a difference in other ways, so... I think it was, you know - the best thing we could have done, racing through that. Like I said I enjoyed it, it wasn't until late teens, early 20s where I sort of was like, I don't know if I would have been a bike racer had I actually had a choice.

was riding really all he cared about? or were there other things he was interested in, things he just never had the opportunity to pursue? things he wasn't allowed to pursue? from the autobiography, you get the sense that his parents always deliberately portrayed it as casey's dream, something he was expected to work hard for in order to be allowed to fulfil. in the podcast, casey says it was a dream he was 'convinced' of. without wanting to speak too much on the specifics of this parenting relationship we only have limited knowledge of, this kinda does all sound like athlete parent 101: getting it into their kids' heads that this is the dream of the child, not the parent, before holding it over them when they fail to perform when their parents have invested so so much in their child's success. casey's family was financially completely dependent on his racing results when they moved to the uk - he was fourteen at the time. he was painfully conscious of his parents' 'sacrifice' to make 'his dream' possible. can you imagine what kind of pressure that must be for a teenager?

to be clear, this isn't supposed to be a gotcha, I'm not trying to uncover contradictions between what casey said back then and what he's saying now. obviously, this is all very... thorny, complicated stuff, and casey has had to figure out for himself how he feels about it, how he feels about how his parents approached his upbringing. but it is worth pointing out that this isn't necessarily just a question of his feelings changing over time - if the internal timeline he provides in the podcast is correct, he was really having that realisation in his late teens, early 20s, so on the verge of joining the premier class. that is when he says he had the thought "I don't know if I would have been a bike racer had I actually had a choice"... which is a pretty major admission, you have to say, especially given how rough those premier class years often ended up being on him. but then that realisation would have already come years and years before he wrote his autobiography, it would've been something he carried with him for most of his career. given that, you do look at his autobiography and think that he did make the decision to frame things pretty differently back then, that he decided to exclude certain things from his narrative. if this really is already something that's been festering within him for years, if he does feel like he wants to be a bit more open about all of that now than back then... well, hopefully it shows he's been able to work through all of it a bit more in the intervening years

(this is somehow an even thornier topic than his relationship with parents, but relatedly there is a bit of a discrepancy between how bullish he is in his autobiography about how mentally unaffected he was by his results, versus how he's since opened up since then about his anxiety. again, I want to stress, this is not a gotcha, he's under no obligation to share this stuff with the world - especially given the amount of discourse during his career about his supposed 'mental weakness'. it is still important in understanding him, though, how he consciously decided to tell his own story in the autobiography and how he's somewhat changed his approach in the subsequent years)

this is the rest of his answer to that podcast question I relayed above:

But at the same time you know I felt that no matter what I would have done, I sort of have a - my mentality of self-punishment, you know, of never being good enough that always drove me to try and be better and any single thing that I did, I didn't like it when I wasn't not perfect. I don't believe in the word perfect but I really didn't enjoy when I wasn't, you know, in my own terms considered a good enough level at anything I did so I would always sort of try to get up as high as I could regardless of what for.

at which point hodgson says exactly what I was thinking and goes 'god what a line' about the "mentality of self-punishment" thing. it is one hell of a line!

what's really interesting about this podcast is how these two big themes of 'this wasn't my choice' and 'self-punishment' end up kinda being linked together when casey talks about how the motogp world reacted to him... so again I'm gonna quickly toss in a bit from the autobiography (where he's talking about casual motorcycling events he went to as a kid), because it does read similarly in how for him the joy and competitive aspects of riding are closely linked:

It was a competition but it wasn't highly competitive; it was just for fun, really. Of course, I didn't see it that way, though, and I had dirt and stones flying everywhere. I don't think anyone expected the park to be shredded like it was. When I was on my bike, if I wasn't competing to my maximum level then I wasn't having as much fun.

and back to the podcast:

And also because people truly didn't understand me, that I'm not there just to enjoy the racing. As we're explaining, before that, you know it was sort of a road paved for me... And so the results were all important, not the enjoyment of it. And then you cop the flak for everything you do. I'm also very self-punishing, so it was kind of a - just a lose lose lose and it was all very very heavy on myself, so... It, you know, it took me till my later years to realise I could take the pressure off myself a little bit and go look you've done all the work you've done everything you can, you got to be proud of what you've done, so... Not necessarily go out there and enjoy it, because I don't believe you should just be going out in a sport where you're paid as much as we are expect to get results and just - you know - oh I'm just going to go and have fun it's like... yeah, nah, if you're just going to go and have fun then you're not putting in the work. And that's when we see inconsistencies etc. So I was very very harsh on myself and so even when I won races, if I made mistakes or I wasn't happy with the way I rode, well then yeah I'm happy I won but there's work to do. There was more to get out of myself and so that's where I copped a lot of bad... um, let's say bad press because of those kind of things and then they sort of attack you even more because they didn't like the fact that you didn't celebrate these wins like they wanted you to they expect you to I suppose treat every victory like almost a championship and you know it's not that I expected these wins but I expected more of myself and therefore maybe I didn't celebrate them as much as you know other people do.

kind of brings together a lot of different things, doesn't it? this whole profession was a path that was chosen for him... which he links here to how the results were 'all important' for him, how it just couldn't ever be about enjoyment. he always punished himself for his mistakes, he was under constant pressure, which also affected how he communicated with the outside world... he was so committed to self-flagellation that he made it tough for himself to actually celebrate his victories, which in turn wasn't appreciated by the fans or the press. so on the one hand, casey's obviously still not particularly thrilled about how much of a hard time he was given over his particular approach to being a rider. but on the other hand, he's also describing how all of this can be traced back to how becoming a rider was never actually his 'choice'. he's detailed his perfectionism before, including in his autobiography, including in discussing his anxiety disorder more recently - but this is explicitly establishing that link between the pressure he'd felt during his childhood to how he'd been pushed into this direction to how he then had to perform. he couldn't afford to be anything less than perfect, so he wasn't, and at times he made his own life even tougher as a result of his own exacting standards. this just wasn't stuff he's said in such straightforward, explicit terms before... and now he is

my general thing with casey is that his reputation as a straight shooter or whatever means people aren't really paying enough attention to how he's telling his own story. like, I kinda feel the perception is 'oh he used to be more closed off because the media ragged on him but since retirement he's been able to tell it like it really is' or whatever. and I'm not saying that's necessarily wrong, but it's not quite as simple as that. because he's not a natural at dealing with the media, he's put a fair bit of thought into how to communicate better with them (which he does also say in the podcast), and he's explicitly acknowledged this is something he looked to valentino for in order to learn how to better handle. because casey has felt misunderstood for quite a long time, he's quite invested in selling his story in certain ways - and it's interesting how what he's chosen to reveal or emphasise or conceal or downplay has changed over time. which means there will be plenty of slight discrepancies that pop up over time that will be as revealing as anything he explicitly says... and it tells you something, what his own idea of what 'his story' is at any given time. this podcast isn't just interesting as a sort of, y'know, one to one, 'this is casey telling the truth' or whatever - it's reflecting where his mind is at currently, what he wants to share and in what way, and how that compares to his past outlook. the framing of his childhood was really something that popped out about this particular interview... it's not like it's exactly surprising that this is how he feels, but more that he decided to say all of this so openly. some pretty heavy stuff in there! hope the years really have helped him... man, I don't know. figure it all out, for himself. something like that

[md-confessions]

Trigger Warning for abuse since I am going to be talking about it a lot.

My honest reaction to TSM anon's confessions/posts trying to justify J's treatment of N. (They're so ass)

Ok so uhh... Anyway I'll try to debunk some of the points:

First of all: yes the fuck she is abusive! Search the damn definition on Google or the dictionary, it's exactly what she's doing, like beat for beat.

Let's start with two examples: one from the manor and another from copper-9.

J kicking N in the manor flashback: for context N and V had literally just bumped into each other, made a spark and both were trying to clean up the mess they made, then comes in Ms. Tenth letter of the alphabet with a kick to N's face for like no fucking reason whatsoever.

J stepping on N's chest while he clearly struggles: In the pilot during the scene that introduces the Alphabet squad during J's introduction she has her foot on his chest while saying he's useless, terrible and if she could, she'd kill him herself and N is very clearly struggling to even breath.

Those two very clearly ARE abuse, the second one even has a tinge of verbal abuse!

Ok so TSM tried to justify both these actions by us not knowing the full context.

The context of the kick is that: there is none, that kick was completely unprovoked, so J had absolutely no reason for kicking N aside from him being in her way from the "move it moron" line, and she changes up her attitude completely at Tessa being there, her visor showing those hollow eyes that drones show when worried or scared.

But even if you say "oh but N was in J's way so she kicked him out" but she could have just, you know, MOVED A LITTLE BIT TO THE RIGHT?!?!? And also that does not excuse kicking a person in the face.

Context of the second scene is: THERE IS NONE, ONE AGAIN! The reason that scene exists is to show that A. J is abusive towards N, and B. J is a hypocrite! Let me explain, A is very self explanatory, stepping on someone's chest and verbally abusing them is very clearly well... Abuse and B is to show that even though she calls N useless, N has shown throughout the rest of the series he is a very competent fighter, arguably better than his fellow DDs and also that even though J was pretty much insulting N for being weak, she got killed by a Angsty bisexual 18-year-old with a pen and a Railgun made out of like, scrap.

I don't know how you can genuinely look at those scenes and go "J isn't an abuser" even though yes she fucking is.

Also I dead ass forgot that second post aside from the "why would Cyn put N in the squad if his abuser?" Part, which has a very simple explanation: it wasn't Cyn, it was Mr. Solver of the absolute fabric itself! It used Cyn as a host, Cyn wasn't in control, she prob has been dead for a long ass time.

The solver is sadistic and it likes fucking with the alphabet squad, take V as an example: it allowed V to keep her memories, just to make V's trauma even worse.

The solver thinks it's funny to traumatize people so why wouldn't it think putting a person in the same team as their abuser wouldn't be?

Anyways I've been typing this since 5:30 AM, and now it's 6:50 and I got school so I'll stop here, if you got anything else to add put it in the reblogs ig...

Final note: I haven't been abused myself (not that I remember) so I can't really fully grasp the concept, but still, J's treatment of N is like, the dictionary definition of Abuse, I'm very bad at understanding other people and their emotions and I'm not super great at analysing characters but this shit is so obviously abuse seeing TSM over here trying to say otherwise is giving me a brain aneurysm.

Anyways have a good day/evening/night or whatever time of day it is :D

.

[louisaguy]

I would love to hear about the hammer and anvil / teen river abduction story! :)

(from this ask game)

ahhh, so! hammer and anvil is a project which may or may not come to exist depending on when i want to cut my losses lol. basically the idea is that it would be a series of snapshots through the childhoods of patrice and river, contrasting them against each other and showing off what the dynamic at les arbres was like.

the reason why i say it may or may not exist is because i only really have the motivation to write like... 2 or 3 of the planned 8ish different snapshots. not as in i dread the rest but like... 2 or 3 of them i know exactly what i'm gonna do, the rest i have a vague 1 line summary that may become something or maybe not.

so i may string them all together or i may just post the few i actually am excited about writing separately as one-shots, not sure yet.

but! the one that i've already written is this: river is 14 and his mother is coming to hang out with him after school (behind his grandparents' backs), and river is thrilled about this, until she attempts to abscond with him to france to bring him back to les arbres for her own reasons (mostly about hurting david and rose). luckily river manages to sneak away and call his grandparents before she gets him on the train. and river doesn't know what it is his mother was trying to take him back to, won't know until years later why they were going to france specifically.

(within the context of hammer and anvil this will take on an even more sinister connotation bc this takes place in the timeline only about a year after one of the les arbres boys dies at frank's hands. so that's the threat here. unknown to river and probably even unknown to isobel, but known to the audience. river is going to replace a boy who was just killed by frank for disobedience. and river is not the most obedient. so THAT is the threat here)

this has all been developed in conjunction with gav's development of their "drive the wedge" fic so it serves as sort of a prequel to that too, definitely stay tuned for that one it's gonna be soooo good @altschmerzes can't wait :)

River’s stomach was starting to sink with dread. “...I want to go home,” he told her, hearing his voice in the third person and noting absently how it sounded like a petulant child. “Take me home.” Another slow, shaky breath. Her eyes fixed on the road. “We are going home, darling. Don’t worry.” “You-- what? What do you mean, home is back that way, I don’t--” She flipped on the radio, her clearest signal for River stop talking. It was usually a pretty good distraction-- River liked singing along to the radio with her. Grandma and Granddad put on pop music for River sometimes, but they never belted along with the songs as they sped down the motorway, not like Isobel did. It was one of River’s few purely good memories with his mum, actually. Last month they had been on one of their drives, and she and him were both singing along to the radio as loud as their lungs could stand, the windows rolled down and both of their hair flying everywhere, and River felt maybe happier than he’d ever been. Now, though, the radio clearly wasn't an invitation to sing along. Isobel didn’t even look at him, didn't even hum. Today, it was a command of silence. Which River obeyed. His brain took him, quite against his will, to the little flat in the city he and his mother once shared, many years ago, before he’d been dropped at his grandparents. He only remembered snippets of it; the white shag carpet in the living room, the stack of multicolored plastic cups in the cabinet that were reserved just for him. He hadn’t thought of that flat in years-- it was small and cramped and he didn’t like it very much, but it was all he’d ever known, then. Once he discovered the world of his grandparents’ country estate, though-- all sprawling hills and apple trees and orange sunsets-- he fell in love with it intensely, and the city apartment never crossed his mind again. It was probably not the same flat that Isobel was taking him to now, River thought. She almost certainly sold that old flat when she left for Spain. But whatever cramped little London flat she was taking him to right now-- because surely that was what she meant, that River’s home was with her and not his grandparents-- was bound to be nearly identical to that place that River had, originally, for the first few years of his life, called home. River cleared his throat. “I mean to my grandparents’,” he offered. “I want to go to my grandparents’.” She sucked on her teeth for a moment. “...That’s not home.”

thank you for the ask!!

[paraphwrites]

16, 26 and 36 for the ask game?

16) how many fic ideas am i nurturing, share one?

"nurturing" is such an interesting word. i have a list of all my fic ideas (there are 28) then the requests i have to finish. of my 28 ideas i love them all so fucking much you can't even imagine. i do have 2 favorites, though (my greek mythology saga au, and a 1700s au epic). i'll share a different idea though because those two are special

1800s asylum au. edwin has epilepsy, and his upper class parents, unable to care for him as his seizures worsen with age (and also none too pleased with how this reflects on their family), send him to an asylum. there, he meets charles. charles had been committed by his parents for sodomy. charles and edwin really really hit it off, in a way that's more romantic than not. however, charles still asserts that he is now heterosexual, because he is trying to leave the asylum. in fact, he's so heterosexual that he is having an affair with a nurse, crystal. edwin doesn't understand this, because, a) charles IS gay, and b) he genuinely believes that the best treatment for his epilepsy is at the asylum. at very least, he knows he WILL die if he leaves, and he'd rather not. anyway i could totally keep going but that's the idea :)

i don't know if i'll ever write that because it would require a lot of research but i might! you never know

26) which of my fics is the wildest ride?

this is such a funny question. i don't think any are that unhinged?? but probably recovered in 1999. i know i forgot about that one too. it's a blair witch au and it gets batshit really quickly and we just never recover

also yes it did take me until this ask to remember to maybe fucking link the fics of mine that i'm talking about sob

36) how do i write kissing scenes?

i generally treat it like any other scene. i try to draw everything out, give it the emotional dues it deserves, as i always try to do. but i also try not to give it more time than it deserves. it's a kiss, and it's just a kiss. it's not there to be exaggerated, i'm not a smut writer (it isn't bad to be one, it's just not what i am). like any other scene, i try to make it visceral with details - that cross between physical details (what the kiss is like), sensory details (things happening outside the kiss), and mental details (how the character is thinking/feeling). and the mental details impact how they kiss, and what they notice.

spoilers for Manuscript below. it's easier to describe it case by case, i think

a lot of it depends on the tone of the scene, but more broadly what it represents for the characters. for example, Manuscript:

when edwin and the cat king kiss, they are drunk. so i focus on that. because the context of this scene is that they have to be drunk in order for it to happen. it's sexual, it's rushed, it's delirious. there is no emotional core to it beyond unaware self-discovery and oblivion so i focus on the oblivion of it all. juxtapose vivid sensory details and no dialogue. are they too incoherent to speak, to wrapped up in the pleasure, too apathetic to one another? all three. and more, that we can't quire understand because they don't, either

when edwin and monty kiss, it's unexpected. it's not exactly pleasurable, but it's not exactly unpleasant. so i describe it as such - "pliant" "tight" "pink lips and clutching fingers." and with this we can extract how the characters are feeling - monty is desperate, and as the kiss goes on trying to essentially make edwin want to kiss him back. edwin is trying to be a good friend and not entirely sure how to do that. the emotions of the characters are leading how they kiss and how they react

when edwin and jason kiss, it's more for show than anything else. edwin lets himself "be kissed" but he does not kiss himself. he is passive in the situation so i use passive sentence structure. until he hears crystal and charles at it, and then he gets pissed, so then he starts putting effort in. it's only a few paragraphs because time is flying to them.

tl;dr it's a normal scene so describe things

[senseitoadstool]

MoViews: Wicked Part 1 (2024)

SPOILER FREE REVIEW - unless you haven't seen the stage show. You've been warned.

Also, I'm one of those people who read the book waaay before it was even a musical. So this might get long. You've been warned - AGAIN.

Not only did I read the first book, but I read most of the series and even a few others from the same author. I was definitely impressed by the story and the imaginative narrative, with the major throwback being the subtext towards it being a somewhat subversive work hidden in a fairytale type of story, much similar in nature to that of Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. Even when the story got long and dragged on because of the political and religious explanations, they all made sense in the end

I discovered the musical had been made when I purchased a CD of the soundtrack of the revival of Little Shop of Horrors at Tower Records a.k.a. Virgin in Downtown Disney (yes, I'm that old), one of my all-time favorite musical shows, and the CD came with a bonus, separate CD with two tracks: Defying Gravity, and For Good.

I didn't care much for For Good, as I didn't have context, but Defying Gravity blew my mind, and I immediately purchased the entire soundtrack which I proceeded to play on repeat until I memorized most of the songs - even before I had the opportunity to see the show on stage (which was also an incredible experience - I have goosebumps remembering that Defying Gravity moment on stage. Yes, if you've seen the show, you know exactly what I'm talking about).

I honestly went to see the movie without expectations, and I intentionally avoided as much pre-show spoilers as I could. As a lover of the stage show I can easily say that the movie not only does justice to the material (and when I say this I am not only referencing the original stage show - I'm also including the Wicked book and the Wizard of Oz movie).

They could have not cast a better Galinda (with a GA) and a better Elphaba for this film. Not only are they amazing vocalists, but they embrace the true spirit of the characters and their history.

The movie adds a lot of context that the stage show could not, bringing the key points from the book to light. What the show uses as somewhat-subtle subtext, the movie puts in your face, out front and it gets intimately personal with the injustices, discrimination and wrong-doings that lead to the inevitable dissention of Elphaba. All of this extra pieces give the material the perfect balance, and the justification of its 2:40 hour length.

Also, the extra add-ons to "One Short Day" are definitely a surprise-and-delight moment not to be missed.

Needless to say, the visuals are very impressive, and the addition of stellar singers like Keala Seattle to the cast make me hope she has a shining moment in Part 2.

But - it wouldn't be me if I didn't have something to critique, however small. I wish they would've found a different singer to portray the Wizard. Most know I'm not a fan of Goldblum to begin with - but I'm less a fan of casting stars who can't sing to movie musical singing roles just because of the heft of the name. Which, in my opinion, this movie didn't need. I can live just fine with Yeoh, since her singing lines are not that many and can be sung-spoken, but I do believe the Wizard would've been better served by a different choice.

Mi Opinión: Multiple Views on the Big Screen (4 out of 3).

He Dicho.

[mrs-monaghan]

Hi! I'm new around here (but not new to jikook) and I saw your recent posts where you linked to, among other things, a post where you talked about the 2016 jinmin vlive where they were watching jk on celebrity romance. And I just wanted to say thank you for bringing that up! I think that vlive is wildly underrated. It tells us so much about jikook's relationship at the time. It really showcases how jikook weren't at same place emotionally in the beginning (and how insecure that made jimin) and how their relationship was possibly mostly physical back then. Jk definitely had a lot to work through. I'm sure he was already in love with jm, but had a hard time expressing it. But all's well what ends well, right? :) Very highly recommend that every jikooker watch that vlive if you haven't already!

Okay. First of all, if I have to link this post one more time I'm gonna start side eyeing y'all. I thought I was a pervert till I met y'all. I'm watching you 🧐🧐

He he hee! The video anon is talking about.

Its like 11 minutes guys. Watch it. You've been in the toilet for longer than that. Don't even 🙄 just watch it.

Anon I think you have put it perfectly. Actually. The last part where I reference on my post about JK not showing Jimin any emotions, I think that caused alot of fighting. Like alot. I joked about JK hitting and quitting but really that's how it comes off. The xes part was good. Probably really good. But after that JK would go back to treating Jimin like he did everyone else. Jimin knew he wasn't just anyone else. They had something going on and he wanted JK to act like it.

I saw something on twitter a long, long time ago so I cannot find it. And its now a blur in my head. But OP was alluding to JK playing video games and ignoring Jimin after xes. I don't recall how OP drew to this conclusion, but it was from something Jimin said. Something about JK and video games. Not sure. Like, we all know when it comes to Jikook its all about reading between the lines.

I remember seeing that and seeing where OP was coming from but I dont remember the context which is a tad frustrating rn. Anygays, it obviously took a while for JK to start acting like Jimin needed him to. Feelings wise anyway.

I am happy Jimin did not give up because look where they are now. (I'm sure the Jungkonda had something to do with it 😂😂) JK basically worships the group Mimi walks on.

We heard it from the man himself so we know it's true, right? He's stubborn, he's hard to handle, and I bet Jimin knows all of it first hand. 🤭🤭

Okay so for some strange reason, your ask made me think about this tweet; (Don't ask me why. My mind is a weird place)

Before anybody freaks out, I would like to advice that u take this with a grain of salt. My friends and I tried to find where/when this could have possibly happened but we couldn't. And we really tried guys, because.... WHAT!?!?!?! Why would Jin say something like this that basically outs Jikook? Right?

But then I think about how BTS used to word vomit alot in the early days so I haven't completely disregarded it. So hopefully one of u have heard of this because I would love to see it. Honestly. It's fucking wild. Like.... it's insane 🤯

That being said, 😁😁😁 the correct members are involved when u really think about it. Right? Like these are the right members for this strange scenario 🤭

We know this is how Jin used to wake JK up. Jin even demonstrated that one time exactly how he used to do it by touching JK's nipples. (I can't with the Tannies sometimes. Honestly 🤦🏽‍♀️) From the huge amount of Jikook nipple play (inside this post is another post about this) we can safely deduce that JK's nipples are sensitive. So to me, yeah? To me it makes sense that a sleepy JK thought it was Jimin touching him. IF this is true and it did happen, the maths adds up. Just saying....

Lord have mercy 🤣😂😂

[triphimi]

❗️(quite) HEAVY INTO THE PIT SPOILERS❗️

So the minigames in ITP are neat additions. But besides the ones from arcades, there are more that you need to find and like

One is about "To be beautiful" and we play as Eleanor giving Sarah new body parts. Eventually after switching all of Sarah's body we can take the necklace and Sara turns into a pile of trash.

Easy, that's pretty much exactly what happened in the story (just simplified).

To get to it you need to call mom while in the Freddy's pizzeria on final night (or at least that's how I got to it).

Second one is about Millie from "Count the ways". At first I thought it was Charlie bc of gray sprite and green eyes but it makes sense to be Millie since CTW is also in the first book. Anyways we collect 5 items from the next room 5 times. First we collect 5 drinks, then 5 cupcakes, then 5 snowflakes are what these things are I think? Then 5 hearts each pierced by an arrow, and then 5 cauldrons. When we enter the room for the 6th time there's some Bonnie looking thing, for me it definitely looks like Bonbon. Also I'm pretty sure that the items we collect are referencing ways to die Funtime Freddy presented to Millie (dehydration, starvation, freezing to death, getting impaled, boiling alive if I'm not mistaken)

Again oversimplified and we only get to the part where Millie's already getting her death sentence (and we don't see Funtime Freddy but she's technically in his stomach so fair enough) but with context it's definitely easily connectable to CTW

To get it you need to spam the candy machine A LOT of times and I think it has to be on the final night too (I did it like that).

But there's one more you can get by inserting a voucher into a prize machine at Freddy's. When you do it it takes you to a minigame where you play as some black haired dude? a kid? Idk hard to tell from the sprites.

Golden Freddy is laying on the floor in the staring room (can't interact with him and touching him doesn't do anything either). We're in a pizzeria judging by the party rooms and the office (I can't tell if it's the same layout as the itp one bc my spacial awareness is laughable so I'll have to wait till someone makes a map of it).

We need to collect balloons, there's a counter I'm the top left corner of how many we have, after collecting 6th the number changes from white to purple and we can go to the room that had been previously blocked. Inside there's a white dog (mechanical one maybe) and some white box saying "prize" if I remember correctly.

After getting into the room we put the balloons on the floor and our character runs out of the room however the dog catches us in the next room and mauls our character I guess??

After that there are letters "C U" appearing at the top of the screen, then the minigame ends.

So uh, what the fuck does any of that mean I have no idea. First I tried to connect it to "Fetch" bc dog but it doesn't make much sense? Why is the protagonist getting attacked by a dog when in "Fetch" only Greg's uncle got attacked (who didn't have black hair) and Kimberly who's a girl.

Also why is there Golden Freddy in the location??? Like these aren't events of "Fetch". And I honestly have no idea what to make of it as of now.

It doesn't have to be done on the final night either bc I did it in earlier night so idk if you need that one for the special ending (bc after getting these minigames done you get a different cutscene and dialogue at the end)

Additionally I want to talk about one arcade minigame which is the balloon boy collecting hats one but I'll make separate post about it I think

[velvetvexations]

If you're not big into martial arts, you might not have heard of sanda, originally created as CQC for Chinese soldiers. It's often decried by just about everyone as being, essentially...just MMA rather than having roots in traditional Chinese kung fu.

That's only half-accurate. I'll explain why, but I need to catch you up the nearly one hundred years before it's creation for context.

(CW for war crimes, brief mention of sexual assault, mention of Native American oppression, and political cartoons with a racist depictions of Asians - and as always, if someone knows better, please correct me)

The first thing you need to understand is the Century of Humiliation, a concept in Chinese historiography. The premise is that China was regularly fucked over from the 1840s to the 1940s when the communists took full control of the mainland. While this is a narrative heavily pushed by Chinese nationalism, it's not exactly wrong - they had it pretty bad, and thought not exclusively the fault of foreigners, a lot of it was, including the two Opium Wars where England and France wrecked China's shit for the right to keep the drug trade going. The Second Opium War is where the UK first got Kowloon, which would be followed later by the rest of what would become Hong Kong.

English Commerce

I tell you to immediately buy the gift here. We want you to poison yourself completely, because we need a lot of tea in order to digest our beefsteaks.

The Taiping Rebellion, from 1850 to 1864, is estimated to have cost up to about 30 million lives, compared to the American Civil War's 700 thousand. And let me tell you, it's crazy we don't talk more about the Taiping Rebellion, not only because of the devastation but because the rebels were a very strange branch of Chinese Christian that believed their leader to be the brother of Jesus Christ. Which...well, I guess that's also technically the West's fault, although Western Christians were heavily divided on how they felt about the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom, and ultimately after some indecision and putting feelers out to the rebels, the West chose to back the Qing.

For the people who love the DDR because their enforcement of laws were not always necessarily the worst in the entire world for queer folk: the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom was spectacularly feminist for it's time, way more than East Germany was pro-queer! Maybe consider switching over to Chinese Christofascism?

(I'm sorry, I'm going to be angry about that literally forever)

China would go on to badly lose the Sino-French War and Japanese-Sino War, the two together resulting in China losing suzerainty (essentially control of foreign affairs) over Vietnam and Korea, and a lot of their influence outside their own borders.

At this point, you can start to see how China was being treated by the West...and Imperial Japan, who, as we've discussed, were great big westaboos. Everyone wanted a piece, and it was a race to get the biggest. They didn't think in terms of what China wanted, they hardly considered themselves in opposition with China, but rather each other.

Putting His Foot Down Uncle Sam: Gentlemen, you may cut up this map as much as you like, but remember that I'm here to stay, and you can't cut me up into spheres of influence!

Needless to say, the Chinese were...not pleased with how things were going.

The traditional narrative is that the Qing's modernization efforts were, at best, a very mixed-success. There's been more questioning of that, though, since "modernization" is inherently kinna a Eurocentric term with arbitrary values. Just before the Japanese-Sino War, everyone was pretty certain "modernization" had gone great and they were going to crush Japan like ants. The Qing did face issues with corruption and firing shells that had their high-explosives siphoned to be sold off, but considering Russia has had to deal with essentially the same problem in Ukraine finding their reserve tanks to be hollow tin cans, I'd say that's fairly modern.

Social instability would continue to rapidly worsen after losing the First Sino-Japanese War, during which Japanese acts of brutality were enough, as I mentioned in my previous historical post, to elicit at least temporary scandal among the Western Powers Imperial Japan hoped so desperately to impress. Tensions were especially high with Christian missions, culminating in an incident in which two German missionaries were killed in an attempt to kill a third accused of rape. That led to Germany invading and taking away yet another piece of China's sovereign territory. Not helping things was that, because of special protections for the practice of Christianity forced on China by treaties from those prior conflicts, many bandits were "converting" or claiming to have done so in order to escape the law. And all of this is in the midst of serious natural disasters ruining lives and leaving people with nothing.

So that brings us to 1899, the main point of this post, and something you may have only heard of before in a throwaway line on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm talking about the Boxer Rebellion.

It was then that an escalating series of murders against Christians (missionaries and converts) and attacks on telegraph wires and railroads blossomed into something like but not quite a revolution, the most notable event being the Siege of Peking (Beijing), where over two thousand Christians and foreign civilians took refuge until the formation of the Eight-Nation Army, an alliance of Italy, Russia, the United States, the UK, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, Japan, Germany, and France, invaded to rescue them.

You might assume that "Boxer" came from someone's name, or a major location, or something like that, right? The name actually conceals the reason I find the Boxer Rebellion so interesting, and why we're talking about it today. See, back then, kung fu was referred to as "Chinese boxing" in the West.

The Society of Righteous and Harmonious Fists were just one extralegal organization that flourished in late 1800s thanks to the Qing slowly losing their grip on governing even within some parts of their own territory. They weren't just anti-foreigners, they started out pissed at the Qing for the ongoing troubles, and fighting government control is where they got their start. Yet, they famously used the battle cry "support the Qing, destroy foreigners" - hey, wasn't this supposed to be a rebellion by an extralegal organization?

Ha - well - while she initially condemned them, Empress Dowager Cixi would later throw in with the Fists, at least partly because the prince stanned them so hard he met with her wearing one of their uniforms. This, it seemed, was a legitimate path to expelling all foreigners.

So, right now you're probably thinking back to where this post started. The natural conclusion at this point is that the Fists surely lost, but their martial arts were impressive, right? And then that became sanda?

Well.

No.

The movie Boxer Rebellion (1975) depicts martial artists jumping into crowds of armed soldiers and devastating them with the awesome power of kung fu. You might expect this to exaggeration typical of action movies, and it is, kinna. It's also only half of what the Society of the Righteous and Harmonious Fists thought they were capable of.

The Fists believed their kung fu made them invulnerable to blades and bullets, including cannonballs. They thought they could fly. They thought ghost warriors would descend from the sky to help drive out foreign armies. Though they had some firearms, they were mostly armed with blades if anything at all. The Empress ordered the Qing military to assist them, but generals wisely chose to do the bare minimum or outright ignore the command entirely.

Even stranger was the legends that grew around the Red Lanterns. You can think of the Lanterns as a kinna women's auxiliary to the Fists, who spurned women lest they "pollute" their masculine magic kung fu and cause it to fail. The Lanterns were divided by age between Black Lanterns (older women), Blue Lanterns (middle-aged women), and most famously, the Red Lanterns, who were eleven to seventeen.

Like the Fists, Red Lanterns possessed magical powers. They could fly, but also, unlike the Fists, walk on water and stop guns, among other things. When Catholic women were accused of making that masculine kung fu magic fail by exposing themselves, the Fists resolved to wait for the Red Lanterns to arrive, since their magic would be immune to corrupting femininity.

I want to take a moment to say I know how all this sounds, and I've tried to keep my language serious at least in this section because I don't mean to paint the Fists as "stupid" for the things they believed. It's important to keep in mind the Fists were largely peasants driven by nationalistic fervor and desperation from how bad things had gotten thanks to foreigners, natural disasters, and the Qing's own corruption and internal failures. It's depressingly reminiscent of ghost shirts, which just ten years prior had failed to stop bullets during Wounded Knee. The population was despondent and angry, with little still left to lose. That led them to kill innocent people prior to dying themselves to an enemy they never had a chance against. People like Mark Twain, Leo Tolstoy, and others outright took the Fists' side at least in terms of "who started it".

More often than not, history is sad.

So the Boxers lost, badly. Empress Dowager Cixi was given a pass for siding with them because she was more useful on the throne than off it, but the Qing would fall about a decade later in the middle of trying once again to further "modernize". China fell a free-for-all between warlords, ultimately coming down to the Kuomintang's Republic of China and the Chinese Communist Party. The two would (barely) work together to resist Japan during the Second Sino-Japanese War, which quickly became part of World War II. Soon after they fell back into conflict, with the Kuomintang forced to retreat to Taiwan and still claims independence that the PRC still denies.

In Taiwan is the Republic of China Military Academy, which was known as the Whampoa Military Academy when it developed sanda in the mid-20s. It is, basically, MMA. Traditional martial artists certainly played a part in it's early history, but they were doing what Bruce Lee would fiercely advocate for decades later - "absorb what is useful, discard what is not". Foreign combat sports, like Muay Thai and (actual, Western) boxing were worked in as well. Like in MMA, a background in traditional martial arts can be helpful going in, but you're going to have to learn a lot more and probably unlearn several things as well. The biggest influence was actually the lei tai, raised platforms where Chinese brawlers engaged brutal and often fatal matches, sometimes with weapons even. Like, people had organs come out on the lei tai, it was nuts.

The reason MMA and sanda look so similar is that that's just what comprehensive and effective fighting looks like. It's the same reason England doesn't use gyroget ammo for their guns while Germany equips their soldiers with fully automatic crossbows. In video games, which I love with all my heart, fighting styles as diverse as sumo and capoeira are presented as more or less equally balanced, with different advantages and disadvantages. That's not how it works. We solved the optimal way to hold your arms and it's not like this.

You may have heard of Xu Xiaodong, a Chinese man trained in sanda who has a history of fighting and handedly winning against supposed masters of kung fu. The PRC hates him for that because, like with pseudoscientific traditional Chinese medicine, kung fu is a useful promoter of nationalism, and it's better at that if it keeps it's mystique as impenetrable as possible.

I would probably like a lot of modern Chinese martial arts movies if not knowing that they were bankrolled to be propaganda for the PRC, like the first Ip Man, which exists to further the myth of wing chun and remind everyone that Japan sucks for what happened during WWII. I don't think they're making many movies about the Boxer Rebellion.