#i can't remember if mom said that she told him to just message me or if she thought about telling him that

[strifetime]

mom: [biological dad] wanted me to tell you he says 'hi'

me: (don't ask why just say 'ok' don't ask why don't ask wh-) why

[punkshort]

i'll be home for christmas | part one

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Summary: Having just caught your fiancé cheating on you, you decide to come back home from the big city to Austin for the month of December to try to figure out your next step. You had no idea you would be getting more than you bargained for with the handsome single dad who built your parents' house.

Chapter Warnings: no outbreak, modern day but Joel is 40, language, fluff, flirting, reader has a childhood nickname only her family uses, Hallmark tropes up the wazoo, soft!joel, reader's sister is pregnant, talks of infidelity, talks of divorce, alcohol use, kissing, (smut in part two)

WC: 9.1K

A/N: this is my take on a cheesy, fluffy, soft, smutty, Joel Miller Hallmark Christmas movie. It's just sweet and silly and makes me smile, and I hope it does the same for you. I also wrote this in less than 2 days and didn't really edit it much, so sorry in advance if there's any errors.

Found the pic on Twitter but can't remember the source, if you know please send me a message and i will credit them

Series Masterlist

It was the second week of December as you stood inside the airport in Austin, Texas, waiting for your luggage to emerge on the conveyor belt. You thought by coming home early, you would have avoided the holiday traffic, but you were wrong. All around you, people squealed with excitement and embraced, dragging their worn out luggage behind them as they made their way out of the bustling airport. You tried to keep the scowl from your face as you watched, but it was next to impossible, so you wrapped your Burberry scarf around your neck instead, hoping to hide your displeasure.

This was not the plan you had for Christmas. You should be in New York in a high-rise apartment in front of a roaring fireplace with a glass of wine and your fiancé - ex-fiancé - not back in Austin with your parents, who begged you to come visit for the holidays after you told them the news.

Coming home to visit wasn't your favorite thing, but you felt guilty having avoided the holidays with your family for so many years, and you would have ended up all alone in the city anyway. So you caved, using up all the PTO you saved for the wedding, and took the rest of the year off from work.

Your designer luggage stood out like a sore thumb when it tumbled down the conveyor belt. You winced after watching the impact and snatched it up quickly. Glancing around, you saw a beacon in the storm: a familiar green, glowing sign in the distance - Starbucks. The line was long, but your flight was early, so you waited and got a latte, hoping it would lift your spirits a bit before you had to face your parents.

You tapped the side of your coffee cup anxiously as you rode the escalator down to the first floor, scanning the crowd for your mom and dad. There were a few people holding up signs with names on them, and when you saw the sign that said "Bucket" on it, you cringed.

Your dad's tall, round frame came into view when the people in front of him dispersed. He looked almost exactly the same, except a little greyer. Still sporting a shockingly full head of hair and his signature thick mustache, he grinned and pulled you into a warm hug.

"Really, Dad? 'Bucket'?"

"Well, that's what we call you, ain't it?" he said with a smile. You rolled your eyes and tried to be annoyed, but you had to admit that you were happy to see him.

"Where's Mom?" you asked.

"She's waitin' in the car, didn't wanna pay for parking so we're in a pick up zone, let's hustle," he said, wrapping his arm around you as he led you outside. "How was the flight?"

"Long," you said, then gasped when the cold air hit you. "Wow, I didn't think it would be this cold yet."

"It's been a cold one so far this year," he nodded, directing you to the left where you could see your mom smiling and waving from the passenger seat of their white SUV. You waved back and grinned. Maybe coming home wasn't such a bad idea, after all.

"Hiya, Bucky!" your mom said happily, leaning out of the window to give you a half hug while your dad loaded up your belongings in the back.

"Hey, Mom," you replied. "I like your sweater."

She was wearing one of her tacky Christmas sweaters that she wore every year - unironically. It amazed you how some things never change.

You climbed into the back seat as your dad carefully exited the parking spot and joined the line of cars that were slowly inching towards the main road.

"We're so glad you decided to come home this year, you can finally see the new house!" your mom said excitedly. They had built a brand new house, and the way she provided updates and pictures to you over the phone for the past year, you felt like you had already seen it.

"Yeah, can't wait," you said, staring out the window.

"Hope you don't mind, but we're throwin' a party tomorrow night," your dad said, glancing at you in the review mirror. "Wanted to have our friends over to see the place and have an early holiday party. They'll be so happy to see you, it's been so long since you've been home, Buck."

You had been hoping to spend most of the next three weeks in bed moping and scrolling on your phone. The thought of a party and seeing all those people looking at you with pity made your stomach turn. Your mom must have sensed your discomfort.

"It's alright, honey. They won't say anything," she said softly, and you squeezed your eyes shut.

"Okay," you replied, your voice pained as you opened your eyes to stare at the passing traffic on the thruway.

You'll make an appearance for an hour, and then try to sneak back upstairs until the party ends, already fabricating a headache to blame it on.

The house your parents built was impressive, even you had to admit. It was a two story colonial with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. The open floor plan was stunning as you made your way from room to room. The first floor alone had a spacious living room with vaulted ceilings, a kitchen with an attached dining room, and a separate family room off the back. There was even a small office by the front door that you missed the first time around, and a pantry as big as your closet back home.

You cringed at the thought, reminding yourself that it was no longer your home. That was part of the problem. You had moved in with Will, and when you discovered he had been cheating on you, you crashed at your friend Melanie's place. When you tearfully told your parents the news a few days later, they asked you to come home. Just for the holidays, your mom had said. Just to give you time to figure out your next move.

"This is beautiful, Mom," you said honestly, admiring the fine details on the cabinets.

"Thank you, sweetie. Took a long time, but Joel built it just right for us," she said, beaming.

"Oh, the contractor, right?" you replied, distracted now by the backsplash above the counters.

"He's such a sweet man, he was so patient with us when we changed our minds a million times over every little thing."

"Well, tell him he did a great job," you murmured, opening and shutting different drawers.

"You can tell him yourself, he'll be at the party tomorrow," your dad said, opening the fridge to scrounge for some snacks.

"You invited your contractor to your holiday party?" you asked in disbelief.

"Sure we did. We either saw him or spoke to him almost every single day for a year. He's a good man."

"Okay," you said slowly, still finding it a bit strange, but reminding yourself that things worked a little differently in the south.

"Bucket!" you heard your sister call from the front of the house. A smile plastered across your face instantly as you rushed to the door, both of you squealing as you wrapped your arms around each other and jumped in a circle, unable to contain your excitement.

"Cassie!" you said, pulling back to look at her, brushing her sleek, dark brown hair over her shoulder. "You look fantastic!"

"Ugh, I feel like shit," she said, and you laughed, glancing down at her barely swollen belly.

"How far along are you again?" you asked.

"Twenty weeks, but I'm ready for this to be over! I'm so tired all the time, it sucks," she said, flopping down on the couch in the living room after she gave your parents quick hugs.

"Where's Josh?" your mom asked, referring to your brother in law.

"He's still working, he'll be by later," Cassie said, waving her hand. "Gives us a chance to catch up," she added with a wink.

"You girls do that, we need to go to the store for tomorrow night. Do you need anything?" your mom asked, and you shook your head, eager for them to leave so you could be alone with your sister.

"Tell me everything," Cassie said the moment the door clicked shut.

If it were anyone else, you wouldn't have been in the mood to talk about the mess that was currently your life, but you've always been able to talk about anything with your sister. You trusted each other implicitly and there was no judgement, no matter if you had cheated on a test or gotten drunk during prom, you told each other everything.

So you did. You told her how for months, you felt like something was off with Will. How he would stay out late and say it was for work, but none of his work friends ever posted about going anywhere those nights on social media. He grew more distant and you tried to ignore your paranoia, but when he collapsed into bed one night, too out of it to wash up, and you saw the lipstick on his neck the next morning, you lost it. He hardly even tried to explain himself, barely even attempted to lie, and you began to think maybe he wanted to get caught. Maybe he wanted you to do the dirty work and end things so he didn't have to. Fucking coward.

"What a piece of shit. I never liked him," Cassie said when you were finished. "He acted like he was so much better than everyone when he was here, do you remember the comments he made about the wine mom had? It was so fucking rude."

"Yeah, I know," you agreed.

"So why were you even with him?"

"We had been together since college, Cas," you said, exasperated. "I knew him before he was like that. He used to be sweet and fun. Then he got that finance job and met all those assholes and he became just like them."

"Well, I'm just glad you didn't end up married before finding out what he's really like," she said, shifting her weight on the couch with her hand cupping her small stomach. "That would have been a huge mess."

"It's still a huge mess, I have no where to live now, and I can only couch surf for so long," you said, burying your face in your hands.

"You'll figure it out, Buck. I'll help you look for places online while you're here. Maybe set up some appointments so you can tour them when you get back."

"Thanks," you said, giving her a weak smile. "That would actually be great."

"Now, on to more important things," your sister said, slapping her palms against her knees to stand.

"Baby names?" you asked.

"No! Let's figure out what you'll wear to the party tomorrow," she said, wiggling her eyebrows. "I wanna look through all your fancy designer clothes."

You giggled and stood to join her.

"Fine, but I'm still dropping baby names while you look," you replied.

After spending a majority of the next day helping your parents decorate and prepare food for the party, you finally were able to excuse yourself to shower and get ready. Cassie had picked out a Ralph Lauren lace cocktail dress that Will had bought for your birthday last year. You slipped it on, running your hands over the fabric as you adjusted the dress in the mirror. Just because he bought it didn't mean you couldn't wear it again. You snatched the glass of wine from your dresser and took a sip, trying to push the thought of him from your head as you made your way downstairs.

Cassie and Josh were already in the kitchen, munching on appetizers and chatting with your parents. Cassie let out a low whistle when you entered the room. You waved her off and gave Josh a big hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Good to see you," you told him with a smile. "All ready for the baby?"

"Getting there," Josh replied, wrapping an arm around Cassie's waist. You tried to ignore the ugly, jealous pit in your stomach as he told you how the nursery was coming along. You wasted so many years of your life on Will. Your sister was already married and starting a family, and here you were, basically homeless and starting over. Pathetic.

Family friends slowly began to trickle into the house, luckily being whisked away by your parents to give them a tour after you meekly greeted them and hid back in the kitchen. As more and more people arrived, you began to wonder how your parents kept so many close friends when you barely had a handful back in New York.

A few kids raced by you in the kitchen as you made your way to the bar to refill your wine. Even though it was loud, you could still hear your dad's booming voice as he regaled a friend with a fishing story. You wandered around a bit, trying to find Cassie and Josh so you didn't look out of place, but stopped dead in your tracks when you saw them chatting with Mr. Tanner and his son, Troy, backing away before they could see you. Troy used to have the biggest crush on you when you were kids. If he found out you were single, you wouldn't be able to shake him all night.

You eventually found yourself alone, back in front of the snacks. You picked at the chips on your plate, not really interested in eating but hoping to avoid any awkward conversations, so you kept your eyes down, scrolling mindlessly on your phone. Apparently, it wasn't good enough because you felt someone sidle up next to you.

"Those any good?" a deep, unfamiliar drawl spoke from your side. You looked up to find the softest pair of brown eyes you've ever seen on a man. Blinking, you took a moment as your gaze raked over his patchy beard and the dark, tousled curls on his head. They looked so soft, you had to resist the urge to reach out and touch them. What was wrong with you?

"Huh?" you managed to squeak out after you realized you had waited too long to reply. Idiot.

"The, uh, chips," he said, pointing at your plate before rubbing the back of his neck.

"Oh!" you said, looking at your plate, completely forgetting you even had it. "Yeah, they're alright."

He nodded and glanced around the room, unsure of what to say next. He cleared his throat and tried again.

"How do you know Paul and Martha?"

Distracted, you watched as he crossed his arms over his broad chest, stretching the fabric of his red flannel over his shoulders, pulling the material taught. You had to remind yourself to pay attention and stop gawking at this man like he was a piece of meat. Jesus, maybe you should stop drinking.

"They're my parents," you said after a moment, your eyes flicking across the room, finding them with a group of their friends with your dad's arm wrapped around your mom's shoulder as she giggled and gazed up at him adoringly.

"Oh, you're Cassie," the man said, his eyes dropping from your face to your stomach, and you swore you saw a glimmer of disappointment.

"No!" you said quickly, your hand subconsciously resting on your midsection. "That's my sister, I'm their other daughter." You told him your name and briefly explained you lived in New York and were just visiting for the holidays.

"They must be real happy, havin' you home for so long," he replied, and you shrugged.

"Yeah, it's been a while since I've come home for a visit. I was feeling pretty bad about that," you said, choosing to leave out the biggest reason you were there. This stranger didn't need to be burdened with your love life drama. "Besides, they were so excited to show off the new house," you continued, waving your arm around the room.

"Took us long enough, but it finally came together," he replied with a smile.

"Oh! You must be Joel," you said, realization finally dawning on you.

"Yeah, sorry," he said, shaking his head and stretching out his arm. "That was rude of me, don't know what I was thinkin'." His cheeks flushed with embarrassment as you shook his hand.

"My parents always have such wonderful things to say about you. The house is beautiful, I was blown away when I first saw it," you told him. "I especially love the little details on the cabinets."

"Thanks," he said with a soft smile, averting his gaze to look at the cabinet behind you. "I actually did that myself. It's kind of a hobby of mine. Closest to art I'll ever get, I guess."

"I don't think it's just 'close' to art, I think it is art. It's stunning," you told him, running your fingertips over the intricate floral design. "You're very talented."

"Well, thank you," he said sheepishly, rubbing his beard to hide his smile. You could see the blush creeping up his neck and you bit your lip with a grin, turning your head to try to give him a moment. Were you making him nervous? He was painfully good looking, could this guy actually be into you? Were you even interested? The break up was still so fresh and it had been so long since you've dated anyone besides Will, you hadn't even considered it yet.

"So, how long have you worked in construction?" you asked after a minute, discarding your plate on the counter to give him your full attention.

"Oh, my whole life. Me and my brother started the business when we were in our twenties. Only thing we were any good at, and luckily it pays the bills," he told you with a shrug, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. "What do you-"

Joel's question was cut off by a young girl with curly brown hair in a red velvet dress bouncing up to him.

"Dad! Can Uncle Tommy take me outside so we can look at the pool?" she asked. Dad? You looked down when he pulled his hands out of his pockets, palming one of the girl's shoulders to quiet her down, and noticed the gold wedding band. Of fucking course.

"The pool? Sarah, it's freezin' out," Joel said, and she grinned.

"I'm not going in, Dad, I just wanna see," she said, rolling her eyes. She glanced over, noticing you for the first time, and smiled. "I really like your dress," she said.

"Thank you," you said, running your hand down the fabric. "I like yours, too."

"Uh, yeah, that's fine. Just make sure Uncle Tommy sticks with you, alright?" Joel relented, and she clapped her hands gleefully before running off again.

"She's cute, how old is she?" you asked him, looking around the room to see if Sarah had run back to a woman who could be Joel's wife.

"She's sixteen," he said, eyeing you carefully. He hadn't thought this far ahead and hoped he wasn't scaring you off.

You turned to him, startled, having guessed she was younger.

"You must have had her young," you said, the words slipping out before you could catch them. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that like it sounded-"

"No, it's alright," he said with a chuckle. "I did. I'm forty."

You nodded and took a sip from your glass, letting your eyes drift away, rethinking your conversation. Maybe you misread him and he was just being friendly. There was no way he would be flirting with you at a party with his kid right there. But then he cleared his throat, drawing your attention back to him.

"Listen, I hope I'm not bein' too forward, but are you here with anyone?"

You raised your eyebrows at him over your glass. There was no misreading that. Blinking rapidly, you tried to formulate a reply that wouldn't cause a scene. Was he seriously hitting on you with a ring on his finger? You put your glass down on the counter and opened your mouth to reply when your sister's voice interrupted you.

"Bucket! Come here, you remember Troy, right?"

You cringed, at both the nickname and the person in question, before slowly turning your body towards her and forcing a fake smile.

"Of course. How are you?" you said with a hug.

"Doing great, just got a new job with a law firm downtown," Troy said, rubbing his sweaty palms on his jeans and shifting his weight nervously. He began to ramble about his new job as your sister introduced herself to Joel behind you. You resisted the urge to strangle her, reminding yourself she was carrying your baby niece or nephew and that you'll have to wait until after she gave birth to kill her. She knew you couldn't stand Troy, but she probably couldn't get rid of him, either.

You stood there, draining your wine glass while he prattled on for the next twenty minutes. By the time Troy's dad walked over and ushered him away, Joel was nowhere to be found.

Probably for the best, anyway. You were getting really sick and tired of only attracting unfaithful men.

You hadn't considered how annoying it would be to have your parents hovering around you all the time, worried that you were slipping into a depression and trying to get you to join them on activities outside the house. After you felt forced to go sledding with them the day before, you decided to make yourself scarce today, which is why you found yourself at the mall in downtown Austin browsing for a Christmas gift for your future niece or nephew.

As you were looking through a storefront window, you felt your phone buzz in your pocket. Taking it out, you saw a text from a friend back home.

Sydney: You'll never guess who i just bumped into

You were typing out your response, chin tucked into your chest, when you felt someone knock into you. Startled, you looked up only to lock eyes with Joel the contractor.

"Oh!" you managed to stammer out. His deep brown eyes lit up and a warm smile spread across his face when he looked up and recognized you.

"Sorry, wasn't payin' attention," he said. "How, uh, how are you?"

"Good," you said, nodding and clutching your phone in your hand. "You?"

"Good. Was actually just thinkin' about you," he admitted, looking down and shifting the bag he was carrying from one hand to the other. "Never got to say goodbye to you the other night."

"Yeah, it was pretty crowded. I didn't realize my parents were so popular," you joked. "Is Sarah with you?"

"No, she's in school," he replied, and you bumped the heel of your hand against your forehead, rolling your eyes. Of course she was, it's the middle of the day.

"Duh," you said quietly, finding it hard to hold his gaze without getting butterflies, so you looked away.

"So, uh, I hope this doesn't sound creepy, but I asked your sister if you were seein' anyone the other night," he began, and you felt your face instantly heat up. Why didn't Cassie warn you?? "-was wonderin' if I could get your number."

"Huh?" you asked, your eyes widening as you tried to control your breathing. You glanced down at his hand again when he looked away and saw he was definitely wearing a ring.

"Thought we could go out sometime? If you're interested?" he asked, his own nerves wreaking havoc as he shifted his weight and chewed on the inside of his cheek, praying his face wasn't as red as it felt.

"Are you serious?" you asked him, narrowing your eyes. The audacity of some men!

"'Course I'm serious," he said with a nervous smile. "Thought we hit it off the other night-"

"Joel, listen. I'm not going to say what I'm really thinking for the sake of my parents and everything you did for them, but I am not interested in dating married men," you said with a scowl. He frowned, giving you a confused look before you turned on your heel and stormed away, joining the crowd of Christmas shoppers bustling by.

He looked down at his hand, making a tight fist before swiveling his head around, trying to locate you in the crowd before he lost you.

"Hey, wait!" he called out, pushing past clusters of people as he jogged to try and keep up with you. He called out your name as he got closer. You stopped suddenly but didn't turn around, causing surprised shoppers to have to redirect at the last minute to avoid running into you.

"Hey, I'm sorry-"

"You should apologize to your wife!" you said loudly, causing a few people to turn their heads in your direction as they walked past. Joel looked around nervously.

"I'm not married," he clarified quietly. You looked down at his hand again and he flexed his fingers.

"Can we get a coffee or somethin'? And I'll explain," he begged, his chest rising and falling rapidly with each second that passed as you considered your answer. "Please."

"Fine," you agreed, and his face relaxed once again.

You sat down at a coffee shop within Barnes and Noble as Joel ordered you both something to drink. As you watched him at the counter, you admired his long legs and broad shoulders underneath his brown coat and wondered what possible excuse he was going to come up with.

Oh my god, what if she died?

You rubbed your eyes, hoping you didn't just insult a widower in the middle of a crowded mall.

Joel joined you at the table and set your coffee down in front of you with a smile.

"Thank you," you said softly, fiddling with the cup and avoiding his eyes as he shrugged his coat off, revealing a navy blue V-neck sweater underneath. Your eyes drifted to the small patch of bare chest that was exposed and your stomach clenched. Swallowing hard, you forced yourself to meet his gaze, but he was staring down at his ring finger.

"I'm not married anymore, just wanna make that crystal clear," he began, still staring at his ring.

"Okay," you said slowly, waiting for him to continue. He sighed.

"We've been divorced for a few years now," he said, finally looking at you. "It was... hard. Really hard. I, uh," he scratched his beard as he struggled to find the words. "I've had a tough time lettin' go. Thought for a while we might get back together, so I didn't take it off. Then I guess I just got so used to it, I never thought... I'm sorry, I sound like a mess," he said with a sad smile.

"It's alright, I think I understand," you told him, and he looked at you with renewed optimism, encouraged to continue.

"I never took it off because I never thought 'bout askin' anyone out til now," he said. "Didn't realize how that would come across, you just took me by surprise that night and I couldn't stop thinkin' 'bout you."

You blushed and looked down at your coffee, trying to hide your smile behind your cup, but he saw it and grinned.

"Are you still in love with her?" you asked him. You didn't want to get wrapped up in something that would end up hurting you in the end.

"No," he said firmly. "I mean, I'll always care for her. She gave me Sarah, how could I not? But I'm not in love with her anymore."

You nodded as you absorbed his words, glancing around the little coffee shop before dragging your eyes back to his. He was looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to ask anything else that would make you comfortable with accepting a date from him.

"Well, thank you for being honest with me, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship just yet."

Joel tried to hide the disappointment in his face as he nodded in understanding. The first time in five years he asked someone out and he got shot down.

"It's not you," you clarified. "It's bad timing. I just got out of a really long term relationship. Well, I was actually engaged, and I caught him cheating," you explained with a wince, not expecting to bring this up today. "Probably why I was so sensitive about the wedding ring," you said with a half smirk. He nodded quietly and looked down at the ring on his hand, twisting the metal around with the pad of his thumb as you spoke.

"Sounds like we've both been through a tough time," he murmured, and you quietly agreed.

You sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping your coffees and trying to figure out how to end this awkward interaction without making things worse. You were going to lie about having plans so you could leave when he suddenly spoke up.

"No pressure, but, uh, what if we just went on one very casual date?" He looked at you with those soft, brown eyes and you felt your resolve crumbling. "Sounds like we could both use some practice. You're leavin' at the end of the month anyway. Could just be fun, help get us both back out there."

You paused, not expecting that. He had a good point. It's been so long since you've gone on a date with anyone, and it sounded like he was just as rusty. Besides, what else would you be doing with your time over the next three weeks?

"Okay," you agreed softly. He raised his eyebrows in surprise, parting his lips slightly as he straightened up in his chair.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," you said with a grin. "Why not?"

Early the next morning, you heard your phone buzz on the nightstand next to your bed. With a groan, you cracked an eye open to look at the time, then reached for your phone.

"7:30? Who the hell..." you grumbled, squinting at the bright screen, your eyes widening when you saw Joel's name. You sat up in bed, fully awake now, and slid the notification over to open the text.

Joel Miller: Morning. Are you free tonight?

You grinned, flicking on your light so you could see better to respond, then you paused. Should you make him wait before replying? Would you look too desperate if you answered right away?

You shrugged, deciding to answer him. It was casual, you both knew it wouldn't go anywhere, so who cares how it looked?

You: Good morning, you're up early! And yes, what did you have in mind?

You chewed your thumb nail as you waited for his answer.

Joel Miller: This is nothing, I've been up since 5. For some reason, clients expect me to be at job sites early. How about ice skating?

You giggled and tapped out a reply.

You: I'd love to!

Joel Miller: Great - I'll pick you up at 7

Realizing you forgot to reply to Sydney the day before, you switched messages and shot her a quick answer before sliding back down under the covers to scroll on your phone.

You resisted the urge as long as you could - a whole fifteen minutes - before you typed Joel's name into Facebook. His name popped up with two mutual friends and you rolled your eyes. Of course your parents were friends with him. Clicking on his name, you scrolled down his page, tapping through photos of him and Sarah that looked out of date. He didn't seem like the type to update social media often, and his page reflected that hunch. He didn't have many pictures so it didn't take long until you scrolled all the way to the end, presumably his first photo from when he joined. It was a grainy picture of him with a huge smile and his arm slung around a woman with dark, curly hair, just like Sarah's.

She was pretty, you couldn't deny that, and you vaguely wondered why they broke up. He made it sound like he didn't want a divorce, and you figured he would have mentioned cheating since you brought it up.

You closed the app. If Joel wanted to tell you, he would.

Dragging yourself out of bed, you made your way downstairs on the hunt for coffee. Pouring yourself a cup from the machine, you burrowed into the couch, wrapping yourself in a blanket as you waited for your coffee to cool down and flipped through the various streaming services your parents subscribed to.

"Hey Buck, you're up early," your dad said as he descended the stairs and headed to the coffee.

"Hey, Dad," you said, taking a sip from your mug and wincing as you burned your tongue.

"What're you up to today? You wanna come to dinner with your mom and me?"

"Actually, I have a date," you told him, bracing for the reaction.

"Whoa-ho! Been here not even a week and you got yourself a date? Don't tell me... Troy?" he asked with a big grin, sitting down at the other end of the couch.

"Ew, no!" you said, scrunching your nose. "It's, um, Joel," you said quickly, taking another sip from your mug.

"Our contractor?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, we met at the party," you told him. "Then I ran into him at the mall."

"Ran into who at the mall?" you heard Cassie's voice from down the hall.

"When did you get here?" you asked as she rounded the corner and gazed at your coffee enviously.

"Just now. Who did you see at the mall?"

"Joel," you said, glaring at her. "Got something to tell me about that?"

"Oh, yeah," she said, wiggling her eyebrows. "He was asking about you at the party. I made sure to let him know you were single."

"Yeah, he told me, thanks for the heads up, by the way," you said. "We're going out tonight."

"I didn't realize he was single, I just assumed he was married because he's always got Sarah around," your dad said, beginning to zone out to the movie that was on the TV.

"He's single," was all you said, picking your phone back up.

"He's cute," Cassie said, and you blushed. "I'm glad you said yes, mom and dad already love him, so he'll fit right in."

"I don't even live here. It's a casual thing, we're just hanging out," you told her.

"Yeah, okay," she said, giving you a wink. You rolled your eyes and pinched her as you passed by.

"I'm going to shower, then maybe you can help me pick out something to wear," you told her over your shoulder, walking back upstairs.

Joel arrived at your parents' house promptly at 7, just as he promised. He pulled into the driveway, checking his hair in the review mirror quickly before sliding out of his truck and making his way up the porch. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this nervous as he glanced down a the green flannel he wore, praying he didn't miss a button or a stain. He was with his ex for so long that he could barely remember a time when he was nervous around her.

But with you, he felt the butterflies the moment he saw you at the party. You didn't notice him at first, but he saw you enter the living room and freeze in the doorway, your eyes locked on someone across the room before backing out the way you came, as if you were looking to avoid them. He couldn't catch who it was, having hardly known more than five people in the whole house, but he felt compelled to follow you. To see if you were maybe looking for a husband or boyfriend. But when he saw you alone in the kitchen, staring down at your phone, he couldn't stop himself from saying something to you.

Joel never did things like that. He always kept to himself, very quiet and reserved. He was content with his work during the day and hanging out with Sarah at night.

For the most part, he was happy. It was only at night when the loneliness crept up, when he tucked himself into his big, cold bed and tried his best to fall asleep as fast as he could, so he wouldn't lay there wishing someone who cared for him was just in the bathroom washing up.

Tommy had been encouraging him to get back out there, always offering to watch Sarah if he caught Joel looking a little too long at a waitress or a neighbor. Sarah was old enough to be on her own for a few hours, but he still asked Tommy to stop by, anyway. Maybe part of him wanted his brother to know that he was going on a date, if only so he would stop trying to set him up all the time with women he had no interest in.

Joel reached out to ring the doorbell, cringing when he noticed it was one of those camera doorbells. Paul must have installed it after the house was finished. He heard heavy footsteps on the other side of the door and held his breath, realizing he hadn't thought about your dad's reaction to your date.

Paul swung the door open, greeting Joel with a deep scowl as he leaned up against the doorframe.

"What's up, Joel?" he asked. Joel cleared his throat.

"Hey, Paul. I'm here to pick up your daughter," Joel replied, bracing himself. Paul just stared at him, breathing deeply as he looked Joel up and down. Joel wasn't a small man, but Paul had at least sixty pounds on him. He tended to have an intimidating look until you got to know him.

"Oh, yeah? For what?" Paul asked, clenching his jaw. Joel froze, wondering if there was a reason you didn't tell your parents about tonight, unsure what to say. Finally, Paul's face broke into a huge smile as he began to crack up, doubling over at the waist.

"I'm sorry, Joel, I had to," he wheezed, standing back up and clapping Joel on the shoulder. "Couldn't help myself. Come on in," he said, still laughing as he led Joel down the hall and towards the kitchen.

"Jesus, Paul, scared the shit outta me," Joel admitted, his heart racing as he rubbed his forehead.

"Beer?" Paul asked, and Joel shook his head.

"No thanks, I'm drivin'," he replied, and Paul raised his eyebrows with a nod.

"Good man, passed the first test," he said with a wink as he twisted open a beer for himself. "Hey, uh, in all seriousness, I just wanna talk with you before she comes down."

"Yeah, 'course," Joel replied, leaning up against the counter.

"I ain't sure what she's told you about the asshole she was with before, but he really hurt her. Now, I know it ain't got nothin' to do with you, what's in the past is in the past," he said. "But just keep that in mind, will you? I can't stand seein' my little girl hurt like that again."

Joel nodded solemnly, understanding completely.

"I ain't like that, I'll be respectful, I promise," Joel replied. "Besides, we both know she's goin' back to New York in a few weeks. We're just gettin' to know each other, is all."

"Yeah, she said the same thing to her sister earlier, but then she spent all damn day on the phone, pickin' out an outfit and gettin' herself ready," Paul said with a sigh. "I'm just sayin', be careful with her."

Joel felt a flutter in his chest and tried to hide his smile when he found out you had been thinking about him all day. He was glad he wasn't the only one.

"I hope you weren't waiting long," you told Joel as he backed out of your driveway.

"Not at all," he said with a smirk. "You're worth the wait. You look beautiful." He glanced down again at the light pink sweater with a small designer logo he was unfamiliar with in the corner.

You blushed and bit your lip, quietly thanking him and trying to hide your reaction behind your scarf, but he saw it. He always does.

Now that he knew you were looking forward to this date just as much as he was, he felt a little more confident.

"Did you have a good day?" he asked, giving you a sideways glance as he merged his truck into traffic.

"Yeah, did you?"

"It was alright," he said, slowing the truck down at a stop light. He turned to face you now. "Couldn't wait to see you, though."

You turned a darker shade of pink and he smiled, pleased to see that he could elicit that reaction from you, the same way you do to him.

"So, ice skating?" you said, trying to take the heat off of you. You looked at his hands on the steering wheel, noticing he made sure to take his ring off.

"Yeah," he said, pressing his foot on the gas as the light changed. "Thought you could teach me somethin'."

"Teach you? How do you know if I can even skate?" you asked teasingly.

"Just a hunch. Was I right?" he replied, his mouth turning up into a half smirk. You giggled and he felt his stomach tighten. He needed to hear that again.

"Yeah, you were right," you relented. He pulled his lower lip between his teeth and slapped the steering wheel in victory, making you giggle again, and his chest filled with warmth at the sound.

"Where's Sarah tonight?" you asked him as he pulled into a parking spot at the skating rink.

"My brother's watchin' her," he replied, disappointed that you got out of the truck so quickly. He had planned on opening the door for you.

"Does she like to ice skate?" you questioned as he led you inside to the counter to rent your skates.

"Oh, of course she does. But I usually sit it out and just watch her have fun," he said, picking up your rentals and heading over to a bench.

"You should have brought her, I wouldn't have minded."

"We don't have to talk 'bout her, you know," he said quicky, and your fingers froze over your laces.

"Why wouldn't we talk about her? She's your daughter," you asked slowly, straightening back up to look at him.

"No, I know. What I mean is, I know it ain't every woman's fantasy to go out with a single dad and all the baggage that comes with that. So, if you don't wanna talk about her, I get it," he said, casting his eyes down as he focused on tying his laces. You reached out a hand and gently placed it on top of his, immediately making him freeze at your touch.

"She's part of your life, so I want to hear about her. You shouldn't think like that, Joel. It's really not a dealbreaker for most women," you assured him, gently rubbing your thumb over his knuckles, his eyes glued to your hand as he listened. "And if it is, fuck 'em."

His eyes snapped up to yours now, then a slow smile spread across his face.

"Okay," he said softly, and you smiled, pulling your hand back, leaving him wanting more.

"Besides," you said, standing up on your skates as you made your way to the rink. "You have no idea what kind of fantasies I have."

You turned to give him a wink as you effortlessly stepped out onto the ice, holding out your hands encouragingly for him to follow. It was a miracle he was able to move his legs after that comment, but he managed just because he knew he would feel your warm hands on his again.

Joel was a quick study. He was nervous at first, you could tell that he didn't want to embarrass himself, but he did surprisingly good. Especially considering how crowded the ice rink was and how fast people were skating by. After about half an hour, he was able to skate - albeit, slowly - around the rink next to you without any assistance. Part of you wondered if he pretended to need more help than he really did just so it would make you feel good.

"So, anyway, that's basically what I do for work. It's pretty boring," you said with a sigh.

"Not boring. Marketing in New York City sounds like a dream," he replied.

"Yeah, except I work on all the behind the scenes stuff. It's not really as fun as it sounds," you admitted, not missing work in the slightest since you've been back in Texas.

"Well, d'you work with some fun people, at least?"

You paused, considering his question for a moment, before shaking your head with a dry laugh.

"Not really," you said, but he still tried to help you find a reason why you would put up with it.

"You were able to take off almost a whole month, that's pretty great. Not many places'll let you do that, can't be that bad," he offered, and you scoffed.

"It's the time I saved up for the wedding I was supposed to have," you told him sadly, and he groaned.

"I'm knockin' it outta the park tonight, ain't I?" he said, rubbing his face before almost losing his balance. You giggled and he couldn't stop the huge grin that plastered itself across his face.

"It's fine, you didn't know," you said, waving him off. And for the first time, you really didn't mind talking about it. Something about him made it easier.

"What'dya say we get some hot chocolate?" Joel asked, jutting his chin towards the vendor where you first came in.

"Yeah, that sounds great," you replied. Joel turned towards the exit without looking when a teenage boy, who was speed skating around the rink trying to impress a girl, smacked right into him, sending him flying backwards on the ice.

"Joel!" you exclaimed, rushing to his side. He groaned, rubbing the back of his head.

"Hey, why don't you watch it!" you yelled angrily at the teenager, who had managed to only stumble a bit upon impact.

"Sorry, man," the kid mumbled before taking off.

"I'm gonna kick his ass," you said, about to stand up to go after him, but Joel reached up to grip your arms, holding you in place.

"I'm fine, sweetheart," he said with a chuckle. Sweetheart. Your heart skipped a beat at the term.

"Are you sure?" you asked, your brow furrowed with concern.

"Yeah, just gimme a hand," he said, and you stood to give his arm a firm yank, allowing him to stand.

"Let's get you off the ice," you told him, ushering him carefully to the exit and finding a bench.

"Does your head hurt?" you asked, sitting down next to him. Your fingers reached up to graze the back of his head.

"No," he said breathlessly, staring at you as you continued to study him for any injury. God, you were so beautiful, he couldn't force himself to look away.

"That's good. How about your vision?" you pressed, still so focused on the fall and not seeing the way he was looking at you. But when you finally locked your eyes on his, your breath caught in your throat.

All the laughter and playful yelling surrounding you faded. You couldn't look away from his heated gaze, his deep brown eyes boring into yours so intensely, you almost forgot to blink. He brought his hand up to gently cradle the side of your face, his calloused palm meeting your soft skin. Your lips parted to accommodate your sudden need for more oxygen, and his gaze fell to your mouth.

"Joel," you whispered, and the way his name sounded coming from you was so damn sweet, it almost did him in.

"Yeah?" he whispered back, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Kiss me."

He didn't need to be told twice.

He leaned forward, eyes sliding shut and slotting his lips against yours, deeply breathing in your scent so he could remember it tomorrow. He was determined to commit every second to memory, knowing that by morning he would be aching for you, aching for this. Against his better judgement, he pressed himself into your lips harder, unsure if he will ever get to feel like this again when you inevitably came to your senses. The idea of this feeling being taken away from him spurred him on, desperate and eager for every second you were willing to give him.

Your hand came up to the back of his neck, holding him against you as his lips massaged yours tenderly. You inched closer to him on the bench so you could tuck yourself into his broad chest. He was so warm and soft and strong that it was making you dizzy. Your fingertips stroked the curls at the base of his neck as you tentatively opened your mouth just enough to suck his lower lip between yours. The quiet noise he made when you did that made your insides clench with need, and against all odds, you felt yourself falling, completely losing yourself in him and the moment.

A startling voice over the loudspeaker announcing that the rink was closing in fifteen minutes finally snapped you out of it. You both pulled back but kept your foreheads pressed together as the world around you slowly melted back into focus. His hand still cupped your face and he lifted his thumb to gently trace your swollen lips.

"I should take you home," he murmured. At first, your stomach flipped, thinking he meant his home, but you realized he wasn't that type and he meant your parents' house.

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak, and you sat back reluctantly, breaking away. His hand dropped from your face to the hand in your lap, his thick fingers wrapping around yours for a moment as he collected himself with a deep breath.

Finally, he forced himself to stand, still clutching your hand and helping you up. You glanced down at the floor and smirked.

"We should probably take our skates off," you said, and he chuckled, breaking the tension and sitting back down, his hand reluctantly letting go of yours to undo his laces.

After you turned in your rentals, his hand quickly found yours again, unwilling or unable to let you go as he led you back to his truck, this time making sure to open the car door for you. Thanking him quietly, you jumped up into the cab and watched him round the front of the car, running a hand through his hair and sucking in deep breath.

You grinned and bit your lip as he started the truck, swinging his arm around to grip your headrest and twisting his body to back out of the spot. It took everything in you not to scoot across the seat and tuck yourself into his side.

He let his arm drop loosely on the seat in between you as he drove down the street, one hand on the steering wheel. Your fingers inched forward, sliding your palm underneath his hand, lacing your fingers together. The corners of his mouth tugged into a smile and you drove in a comfortable silence, your hands intertwined the whole time, until he pulled into your driveway and cut the engine.

You sighed as you stared at the darkened house, already missing him and he wasn't even gone yet. He peered over at you, trying to think of a way to prolong the date, but aside from the obvious, which he wasn't going to do just yet, he was coming up empty.

"Lemme walk you up," he said finally, and you nodded, reaching for the handle of the door but he stopped you. You furrowed your brow, confused, until you watched him rush over to open the door, and you grinned, taking his hand so you could slide out of the seat.

You stared at the ground as he led you up the path to the porch, your heart pounding in your ears. You weren't sure what you had been expecting tonight, but it definitely wasn't this feeling. This was so much more.

"Well, thank you for tonight," you said as you reached the door, turning around to look up at him through your lashes. "I had a really good time."

"Yeah, me too," he said, his soft, brown eyes trailing over your face, locking away every little detail. Unable to resist, he stepped forward, his rough hand skimming around to the back of your neck. He tilted your face up, ducking down slightly to meet you halfway and brushed his lips gently over yours.

Your hands flew up to grip the collar of his flannel, keeping him pressed against you as you leaned against the front door. God, for someone who claimed to be rusty, he was a really good kisser. He was gentle and slow and it took your breath away both times. You knew you were getting in over your head, but you couldn't bring yourself to care. All you could think about was him and how badly you wanted more.

Nervously, you opened your mouth and flicked your tongue against his plush lips. He responded by parting his lips and allowing your tongue to dance with his own, his mouth applying more pressure than before as the heat flared between you.

Before you could stop it, a soft moan rumbled from your throat, causing him to pull back, panting slightly as his gaze flickered between your eyes. You gazed up at him, eyes dark and desperate, your fingers still gripping the fabric of his shirt tightly.

You weren't sure what he was searching for, but after a moment he seemed to find it because his mouth came crashing down on yours once again, this time with more yearning and desire. His tongue probed inside your mouth, licking past your teeth and in the back of your mind you realized he tasted faintly of mint and you wondered when on earth he popped a mint into his mouth but it didn't matter. Nothing else mattered except the two of you in that moment, each seeking something within the other that you never expected to find.

His chest ached knowing he would have to stop kissing you soon, or else he would never leave. He always considered himself a strong man, after everything he had been through, how could he not? But something about you made him realize he wasn't nearly as strong as he thought. Your lips were so soft compared to his, so sweet and perfect that it made him want to cry because in that moment, he knew he could never let you go.

[ktempestbradford]

A Story for Star Trek Day

I've told this story on Twitter before. I tell it every Star Trek Day and whenever a Deep Space 9 anniversary rolls around. It's about me and Avery Brooks (aka Best ST Captain Benjamin Sisko).

The college my mother went to specifically started recruiting top Black students in the 60s. Due to this, the Black kids all mostly knew each other as they were in that same program. Avery Brooks went to the same college and they were good friends.

(She once told me he had a huge crush on her and I was like MOM. MOTHER. WHAT. HOW COULD YOU HE COULD HAVE BEEN MY DAD.)

Anyway, many of the students in this program remained friends long after college. So over the years as Avery was getting TV gigs & such we would all watch cuz he was my mom's friend & I thought that was the coolest. There was one particularly fun night when my best friend's uncle, Frankie Faison, guest starred on A Man Called Hawk. TWO people we know on TV!

When I was in middle school Avery was touring his production of "Paul Robeson" and it came through our town, so I got to see him perform in person (awesooooome) and meet him for the first time since I was a baby (which I did not remember, of course).

Now, backing up a little bit: I am a Star Trek fan because of my mom. She loved the original series and I remember being a wee Tempest in front of the TV watching The Wrath of Khan and us excitedly going to see Star Trek IV together.

I watched TNG from the instant it appeared on TV because of her. I watched all of The Animated Series even though everyone looked "wrong". (Man... it took me 4 months to realize that dude in the red shirt was Scotty cuz I'd only ever seen movie Scotty.)

Then... they announced Deep Space 9.

We heard Avery Brooks would be the commander and there was MUCH rejoicing around our house. DS9 turned out to be the best Trek ever and, of course, Avery was awesome. This was around the time my mom dropped that "he had a crush on me but I wasn't interested" bombshell.

I'm still bitter.

I mean, I love my dad he's great. But SISKO COULD HAVE BEEN MY DAD.

I lost my mom in 1999. She was--and I'm not exaggerating--an extraordinary woman and beloved by many. I received so many beautiful messages of condolence from her friends all the way back to those college years, including Avery. So many people remembered her fondly. <3

I kept watching Star Trek and often talked to her as if she was there during episodes. She would have LOVED Discovery. Especially since she took me to RENT the year I started college. I'm sure she would have shared my opinion of Enterprise as well. But she loved her some Scott Bakula, so she would have watched, anyway.

I got the chance to interview Avery Brooks at DragonCon back in 2013 (jeez, it's been almost 10 years omg). Before the interview, I went up to him on the Walk of Fame and I said:

Hi, I'm (name K stands for) Bradford, I don't know if you remember me...

And he looked up and said: Of course I remember you.

We talked for a bit and I asked if I could come back and interview him later and he said yes (he wasn't supposed to; his handler had A LOOK). I didn't want to hold up his line, so I said I'd see him later.

Before I could go, he reached out for my hand and squeezed it before saying: I loved your mama, you know.

And we just stayed like that for a few seconds, missing her together.

...I might have been trying very hard not to burst into tears.

That DragonCon was the last time I saw Avery. Barring an extraordinary circumstance, that's probably the last time I'll see him in person. I'm glad we got to have that moment together. And we had a great conversation!

His contribution to Trek has meant so much to me. SISKO4EVA

And I'm glad that it's another tie between me, my mom, and Trek. I can't watch DS9 without hearing her voice giving color commentary. Even the episodes she didn't live to see.

I think Star Trek is part of what gave her hope for the future. She passed that on to me. ❤️🖖🏾❤️

Happy Star Trek Day to all who celebrate.

[seventeenpins]

bloom

pairing: stepdad!joel miller x f!reader

word count: 5.8k

summary: part three of bad girl. you decide to go out on a tinder date. joel gets jealous.

warnings: joel is an asshole, stepcest, infidelity, oral sex, somnophilia (mentioned) unsafe piv, creampie, dirty talk, fingering, daddy kink, age difference (reader is late 20s, joel is mid-40s), a bit of dom/sub vibes, smidge of role reversal (really just two stubborn people being stubborn), multiple orgasms, romance almost????, joel is sad and lost and possibly in love but mainly just wants to be wanted (but is bad at talking about real things), maybe not edited as much as it ought to be--pls tell me if there are any glaring issues you notice

a/n: finally finally actually got this finished weeks after i was certain i'd be posting. thanks to @livingdeadmaria for the jealousy angle. kinda gets away from itself, but i hope very much that you enjoy. i can't begin to express how much i appreciate your thoughtful messages and comments and interactions 💕

these past few weeks had gone by in a blur and you're hyperaware of how quickly the time is passing. joel had been taking good care of you, fucking you pretty much any time your mom was out of the house, and a couple times when she wasn't.

after casually mentioning how you'd love for him to make you feel good every minute of the day, he had laughed.

"doubt you'd want me makin' ya feel good if you're not even awake to enjoy it," he'd said.

"are you kidding me? waking up to you playing with me sounds like a dream," you told him, and he stilled, swallowing deeply.

your mom would pass out heavily after a night of drinking, and when her snores started in earnest, joel would sneak into your room, lock the door, and wake you up by dragging a palm over your tits, pinching at your nipples, rubbing a finger along your pussy, all the while telling you how good you're doin', that you taste so fuckin' sweet, god you're a fuckin angel when you're sleepin', and the one that you heard him say right as you woke up with his fingers deep in your cunt and a hand on your breast, already all worked up, and you came instantly; "you'd better hush that goddamn mouth or i'll hush it for you, baby, you gotta be quiet for daddy or your momma might wake up and then daddy won't be able to make you feel good like this-"

so no, you weren't unsatisfied with your sex life. in fact, you were more than satisfied.

it scared the hell out of you.

you were waiting, you realised, for shit to hit the fan. for joel to get bored with you. to get too busy. to come to his senses.

and, after all, the summer would be over soon, and you'll be back to your usual life. getting absolutely railed by your stepdad didn't exactly seem like something that was sustainable, long-term.

the two of you had never defined this, but you decided you needed a palate cleanser. something that'd catapult you back into the real world. if you ended up with a disappointing hookup, so be it. most hookups were, and the pornographically cinematic sex you were having with joel couldn't last forever. hell, you expected him to file for divorce any day now, and the likelihood of having any kind of relationship after he'd gone for good seemed very low indeed.

and so you decided that it was unhealthy to focus on only one person, especially when monogamy had never suited you, and the one person just so happened to be your stepdad.

you'd never deleted tinder but you couldn't remember the last time you'd opened the app. at this point, you'd convinced yourself you kept it because you thought of it as a kind of sociological study -- you endured because it meant you got to examine the extremes of human behavior and it was absolutely fucking fascinating.

so you scrolled aimlessly, appreciating the change in the pool of people that was your hometown, but quickly cursing yourself when you saw that a former student teacher of yours had just super liked you. horrifying.

you stared at your phone screen--swiping left on almost everyone, adjusting your filters to include ages 25-50, and feeling wholeheartedly disappointed at what tinder had to offer--until one face popped up. you'd almost swiped left by default, but stopped yourself just in time.

it's your old high school boyfriend, connor. not your first. not your last. but the most serious you'd had throughout high school, and definitively one of the best sexual experiences you'd had before your twenties. you'd ended things on good terms before you each went off to college.

his entire profile, you decide, is an assortment of green flags containing exactly what you need; looking for short term fun. social drinker and 420 friendly.

he's got a couple of goofy pictures, but he's aged well in the past decade, and you'd be down to find out if he's as good a lay as you remember. no possibility of falling in love; you're both only in town for the summer, nor are you looking for anything long-term. and, you add on to your mental list of reasons, he was never a creep, nor a murderer, and though that's a very low bar it's still nice to clear it. you can work with this. you swipe right and it's a match!

your mom has a girls weekend planned that you think might actually involve her and her friends, and joel told you he'll be out all weekend for his brother's bachelor party, so that's when you decide to set your date. it's nice to have the option to bring a guy back home and not have to worry about any awkward situations.

it's a friday night and you are all dolled up. your dress is tight, your tits look amazing, and the bar is lively. tonight is clearly the night to be out. there's a celebration going on in the corner with an incredibly drunk birthday girl scream-singing along to the music. pool tables packed. a group of men loudly complaining about the friend they're waiting for who's always late.

it doesn't take you long to spot connor. he's there, looking surprisingly good, leaning against the bar. a flash of dazzling white greets you when he catches your eye, grinning.

"hey," connor calls over to you, "it's been a minute! you look great!"

he gives you a quick kiss on the cheek and looks you up and down, eyes sweeping over the spill of your cleavage and cinch of your curves. you know you look good, and he knows it too.

"wasn't sure if this was still your drink," he tells you, passing you a mojito, "but this is for you."

"i can't believe you remembered!" you tell him--mojitos used to be your favorite-- "i usually go for something less sweet these days, but i still love em. thank you."

you take a sip and watch as he takes a big gulp of his beer. the condensation on the bottle drips down his thumb, a drop of moisture hanging on for a moment before falling. his arms are nicer than you remember, veins drawn in beautiful patterns, muscles tensing at seemingly the slightest movement.

yeah, you could fuck him.

he offers you a questioning half smile and you realise you've really just been staring at him, not sure how long for. "didn't realise how hot you'd gotten," you tell him, and he cracks up. any uncomfortable tension dissolves, and you relax into it. you're almost able to forget about joel miller.

you're having a great night. one drink turns to three and before you know it, you're on the dance floor, enjoying the sensation of connor's hands all over you--holding your waist, brushing your cheek, groping at your ass as you grind together, both of you hot and sweaty and feeling wonderful. you turn your face to connor and kiss him, hot and passionate, running your tongue along his perfect teeth. it's... nice. he lets out a little whimper, which you like, but where joel would've leaned in deeper, cupped your face, tangled his hands in your hair and growled into your mouth in response, connor pulls back and practically giggles. "you're so sexy, baby," he says, and that's all fine and good, but it's not as exciting as you'd hoped. it just feels bland.

but you've made the effort to come out, and you're not gonna give up just yet.

you kiss him again, trying to will a bit of passion into the exchange, but all of a sudden he's shoved aside by some asshole barrelling past and he's nearly knocked over.

"hey what the fuck!" connor shouts, and the person who shoved into him stops. turns to you both.

before you see his face, you know it's him. broad shoulders and a muscled back. patchy beard. great forearms. and his jaw is set in the most beautiful scowl you've ever seen.

"joel-" you gasp.

this wasn't part of the plan. why the fuck is he here?

then you notice the group of somewhat rowdy men in the corner, right in the direction he was heading. one of them calls over in his direction, and he holds up a finger before turning back to you.

this must be his brother's bachelor party.

connor looks between the two of you. "you know this guy?" he asks, and you nod. he turns to joel. "you need to watch where you're walking, man."

a muscle in joel's clenched jaw ticks as he stares him down, and connor takes a tiny step back.

"connor," you say, "this is, uh, this is joel. my stepdad. joel, this is connor."

"oh," connor says, "well, just be more careful next time. nice to meet you, man. joel."

he extends a hand, which joel blatantly ignores as he fixes you with a gaze.

"best be gettin' home, sweetheart," he says, tone colder than you've ever heard it before. you swear you can see a vein in his forehead pulsing. "it's getting late."

you raise your eyebrows. is he... mad? and if so, is this the best he can do? "joel, it's a friday night. i'm having a good time, and i'm gonna keep having a good time."

he stares you down.

"that alright?" you ask, a challenge.

he grits his teeth again and nods sharply, hissing out a fine, throwing one last glare at connor before he walks away rigidly.

connor frowns at you and you shrug, but you glance over at joel, watching him retreat.

now that you know he's here, at this bar, it's almost impossible not to keep looking over at him.

he looks strangely awkward over there, like he's trying to appear relaxed but is following a relaxation guide written by aliens. he's rigid. uncomfortable. a man clasps him on the shoulder (his brother?) and doubles over in a laugh, which he seems to join half-heartedly. you can see how he's holding his beer with a white-knuckled grasp. his shoulders have relaxed a little, but in a way that looks intentional. you're not sure if anyone else would notice, but you've watched joel a lot these past few weeks. you can see it. you don't know what that means.

as connor tells you all about his work, you catch joel looking at you, too. there are a few times your eyes meet and something would flash between you. if connor noticed that you were distracted, he didn't show it.

you're a few more drinks in, loose and warm, getting quite cosy, when connor's phone starts to buzz. he glances the name on the caller id and his eyes go wide. "i'm so sorry," he tells you, points at his phone, "a friend of mine's going through a hard time--i need to get this. excuse me a minute?"

"of course!" you tell him, and watch him head outside for some quiet.

it takes less than two minutes before you feel joel sidle up beside you. you know it's him before you even turn to look.

"hi, joel," you say, and he grunts in response.

you're silent for a moment.

"so," you try again, "you wanna tell me why you look like you've been chewing a lemon?"

he frowns. "huh?"

"sour," you supply.

he rolls his eyes.

"don't like seein ya with that boy."

"oh really?" you ask, "and how is that any of your business? has he offended you in some way?"

he shrugs. "just don't like it."

"i'm gonna try again, joel. what's your fuckin problem?"

he huffs out a breath. "a fuckin' kid like that's just tryin' to get his dick wet."

"i should hope so," you scoff, "that's kinda the point."

"seriously?" his voice drops to a lower register, "am i not takin' good enough care of you?"

"no, joel, it's not-"

he cuts you off, "hush, girl-" and despite the quiet of his words, now you notice the slight slur to them. "cos how i remember it," he tells you, "just a day ago you were cryin' my name, ridin' my cock."

you feel your face heat, but he keeps going- "would you let that boy fuck you raw? huh?" he doesn't even give you a chance to respond. "guess you really do take after your momma, huh? mother's a whore and her daughter is too."

"fuck you joel-"

"worst mistake of my fuckin' life getting mixed up with all this shit- with you-"

rage surges through you, shoving aside any embarrassment you felt earlier, and before you can stop yourself, you slap joel across the face.

the impact breaks something that's been building and you both reel back, deflated. you stare at each other for a moment in shock and silence. the place your hand made contact with him starts to bloom blotchy red.

joel rubs his jaw with his palm and winces. "okay, i deserved that," he huffs.

you soften just a little, "you did deserve that."

"i shouldn't be talkin' to ya like that," he groans, chastened, "not your fault. i've had too much to drink, i think. gonna stick with water the rest of the night."

"can we call a truce for tonight?" you ask. connor could be back any moment now and you aren't gonna do any of this in front of him. but as unreasonable as joel's being, you don't wanna hurt him. your anger has all but dissolved and you just want peace.

"sure," he says, "truce."

you smile, half-hearted.

"so, big bachelor party, huh?" you ask, nodding at his group still in the corner.

"hah," he breathes, "yeah. can't believe my little brother's gettin' married."

"which one is he?"

joel points. "over there. the one in th' button-down, currently double fistin' his beer."

you roll your eyes. "no wonder you're so fucked up. must run in the family," you say pointedly, and he knows he's not off the hook for his earlier jibe.

a pause.

"so, who is this guy?" he asks, and he notices you tense. "no, no, i'm not gonna- be more of an asshole."

"good."

"so?"

"his name is connor. we dated back in high school. just seemed like a safe option for a hookup. no strings, any of that."

joel hums. grimaces. "seems a bit young for you, hmm? you seem to like your men old and grey, not bright eyed and bushy tailed."

you snort and roll your eyes, "oh, fuck off."

the moment falls between you.

"look, joel. i don't know what- this is between us." you gesture between the two of you, "like, it's not... sustainable. i know that. you're married to my fuckin' mom, and that's not even touching our age gap."

he sighs. "yeah. i know."

"so, what is it you want? from me? from this?"

he huffs out a breath. "truth is, i don't know," he admits.

"well, you sure as fuck had better figure it out

"he finds out his wife's cheating on him, he fucks her daughter-"

"hey, don' say it like that-"

"-and then gets jealous at the thought of her daughter fucking someone else."

"hey now-"

"am i wrong?"

silence. an awkward cough.

"no," he concedes, "you're not wrong. and i don't know what this is, but i do know what i want."

"and what's that?"

"you."

you stare at one another. he leans towards you, his voice gravelly, barely above a whisper.

"i want you to forget all about that boy. i wanna make you feel good, as much as i can for as long as i can. i wanna make you come on my tongue, and my fingers, and my cock. i wanna hear you scream my name-"

your breath hitches and you can almost taste the whiskey on his warm breath as it tickles your cheek. joel's hand is gripping your arm now and the grip is a comfort.

of course, that's the exact moment connor reappears.

"hey, there, sorry it took so long! really glad i picked up-"

you and joel pull back, and mostly manage to pull off looking casually friendly, but connor misreads it entirely and looks between the two of you.

and then he turns on joel.

"get off her ass, old man," he hisses, "she's an adult, and you're not even her dad! she can stay out if she wants to!"

joel stares at him, wide-eyed, startled as hell, and you do your best to stifle a laugh at the idea of joel being your actual dad. yikes.

"it's okay babe," you reach out to connor, patting his arm to soothe him. "joel and i were just catching up. is your friend okay?"

his eyes dart between you before he tries to catch up. recalibrate.

"uh, yeah-" he says, "yeah he was having a hard time but i think he's doing better now."

another glance to joel. back to you.

"so, uh-" he ventures, tentative, "do you wanna get out of here?"

if it hadn't been for joel turning up at this bar, you'd say yes in a heartbeat.

but you know for a damn fact that isn't gonna happen now.

"ah shit, connor, i'm sorry. i'm feeling a bit off tonight, and i think i should call it an early night."

"oh."

"i'm really sorry, it really was nice to see you."

connor sighs, nods, and then flashes you one last dazzling smile.

"you too," he says, and leans in to press a kiss to your cheek. "take care of yourself, yeah? and if you ever wanna meet up again, just let me know."

you nod and watch as he walks away.

it's only a moment later that you feel joel's hand snake around your waist and hold you close to him. it's familiar and lovely, the callouses that trace across your skin.

'i think," you tell him, "you should tell your group you're heading out soon."

he looks over at the group and one of them waves at him with a confused expression on his face.

"and then i want you to meet me in the bathroom. single stall at the end of the hallway. don't make me wait more than ten minutes."

joel's mouth goes very dry very quickly, and he nods almost too eagerly. his pupils are blown and you can't get enough of the bead of sweat that rolls from his temple.

"good boy," you tell him and he gulps. turns away from you and back to his group.

you walk towards the bathrooms and catch his gaze and a brief nod as you walk by him.

you feel exhilarated. goosebumps prickle up and down your arms and your stomach flips in an excited swoop. you've inadvertently just swapped roles. you didn't tend to take the lead, at least not in this way. if anything, you tended to beg, please daddy, please fuck me.

after you close the bathroom door behind you, you take a moment to collect yourself. you adjust your hair, smooth out your dress, and wait.

a few minutes pass, and then--a knock at the door. three gentle raps; a rhythm you know so well.

you open the door, grab him by the collar, and pull him in.

he practically squeaks as he's pulled through, but then you're pressing him against the door and he melts under you. he lets out a long, throaty groan as your tongue drags along his jaw, your hands slapping his out of the way as you undo the buttons of his shirt and rake your nails down his chest.

"gonna put your money where your mouth is?" you ask. his brow furrows. "gonna make me feel good, daddy?"

"yes-" he moans and devours your mouth in a kiss. pulls away, breathless, "what do you want, baby, tell me--"

"mouth. and fingers."

"god yes-"

before you have a moment to react, he hikes the skirt of your dress up and backs you up against the sink. "get on up, baby," he says, and you do, hopping up onto the sink with your skirt around your waist and your panties on full display, damp and translucent with your slick. you lean back against the mirror and joel grabs at your thighs, spreading them wider apart.

when he sees how wet you are, he lets out a strangled moan. "jesus christ, honey-" he says, and drags his forefinger along your slit, through your panties, "you're gonna fuckin' kill me."

then he looks at you with those dark, beautiful eyes. searches your face. then drops to his knees.

he starts by mouthing against your panties, just his lips at first, but then he starts to lick and suck at you, sucking your slick from the fabric.

"cute panties," he tells you, and then he's got his fingers hooked on the waistband and pulls them down and off you, helping to lift your hips.

then, when they're off, he wraps them around his hand, buries his nose into his fist and inhales deeply.

"fucking hell, joel-" you breathe, and he turns a little pink, grinning sheepishly. fuckin' joel miller sniffing your panties. how is it that that's the hottest thing you've ever seen?

he doesn't liger too long, though. before you know it, his big hands are grabbing at your thighs again, holding you open. then he's tracing a fingertip along your cunt. prodding in, just a little. pushing your folds open and looking at how messy you already are. sloppily scissoring his fingers, opening you up

"needy little thing, huh?" joel asks and you nod.

leaving his fingers inside, he pulls the hood of your clit back with his thumb and leans in to kitten lick it. it leaves you writhing, but the grip of his other hand on your thigh helps keep you in place. he pulls back, just a little, and spits on your pussy. rubs it in with the thumb, giving you the most lovely pressure, extra slick exactly where you need it.

pumps gently, leaning back in to start licking you in earnest. after a few lazy pumps, he hooks his fingers in you and starts pressing into you with more speed, more urgency.

he pulls back for only a moment and you can see that his moustache and his bottom lip are glistening with your slick. he opens his mouth to praise you, telling you those perfect sounds you're makin' are drivin' me crazy, honey, love how you let daddy know just how good he's makin ya feel, that's it, don't hold back-

and suddenly you're coming.

despite the dullness from the alcohol, and the fact that you're propped up on a sink and just realising your back is smashed up against an uncomfortable knobby faucet--despite all that--waves of pleasure surge through you, hot and bright at your core, flowing across your entire body as you ride his fingers, practically sobbing his name.

your hips rock back up, forcing his fingers deeper into you, and he holds you tight as you ride it through.

for a moment, your vision is replaced with a million little black dots, but then the haze clears and you see joel kneeling in front of you, one hand with stilled fingers still inside you, the other, grasping your hip and holding on gently but firmly.

it takes you longer than you expected to come down from it, but after a few minutes you've gathered yourself.

joel's no longer fingering you, instead rubbing soothing circles to a sensitive bit right at the inside of your thigh. he's telling you lovely things, and you bask in the sensation of his closeness.. you notice his fingers feel funny, but you let out a giggle when you realise they're pruney from being inside you.

he notices what you're looking at and snorts. then thinks for a moment. decides.

"you got any plans tonight?" joel asks you.

"just connor," you laugh, and joel glowers, unimpressed.

"but no, this was much better. and i have no other plans tonight. got something in mind?"

he nods, and suddenly looks almost bashful. "i've got a hotel room. technically part of the bachelor party, but my room's at the opposite end of the hallway from the rest of the party."

you grin.

"i know-" he starts, "i know we hardly ever have a chance to sleep in a bed together. but this could be a chance. if you want?"

for the second time this evening, you grab him by the collar and pull him in for a kiss.

the hotel is really only ten minutes away, but it feels like about five million hours.

you're trying not to look recently fucked, and joel's trying not to let his enormous hard-on look visible through his jeans.

you both sit rigidly in the back seat of the cab. neither of you know if you're being too cautious, or not cautious enough, but you both want to keep whatever you're doing between just the two of you.

despite the distance, though, you can still feel the tug between you. you could cut the tension with a knife. it's only when you arrive at your destination do you feel like you can breathe again. you don't know how, but you know joel feels it too.

there was always the risk that joel's brother could, potentially, run into them in the elevator.

so, all things considered, it was a really, really stupid idea to fool around on the elevator ride to the tenth floor.

"think they have cameras in here?" you ask, and joel snorts.

"if they do, they'll be getting quite a show, huh baby?"

"yes daddy," you agree, and joel groans at your words, closing his eyes, his head tilting back to rest against the cool metal wall behind him. he feels you undo his zipper, unfastens his belt and the button of his jeans. then the wet warmth of your mouth is wrapped against the head of his cock and his groan turns into a shudder of absolute pleasure.

his pants are still up at his hips, cock hanging out impressively. you drag your nails along his thighs all the same, providing enough pressure so he doesn't lose sensation through the fabric.

his hands are tangled up in your hair as you pull his hips towards you, encouraging him to fuck your throat. he's getting frantic, when the elevator suddenly dings!

you break apart instantly and for a moment your stomach flips as you're certain someone else is about to walk into the elevator, but then you realise you've arrived at your floor.

joel composes himself, slicks his sweaty hair back and pulls his pants back up, pretending to ignore the enormous hard-on straining against the fabric.

"this way," he tells you, and you follow him.

any initial reversal of your usual roles becomes a rhythm of give and take. you're barely through the door before joel's grabbing at the hem of your dress and pulling it up and over your shoulders. unhooks your bra and tosses it to the floor.

he stands there and stares at you for a moment, mapping out every curve, every angle, every stretch mark. you're completely bare for him, your panties still in his pocket.

then he's on you, hands gripping your waist, your jaw, stroking over your breasts, fingers dragging over your bellybutton, cupping your pussy-- the sensation is overwhelming, almost too much. if someone told you he'd grown extra hands, you'd believe them; his touch is all over you.

"you feel so good baby," he tells you as his hands slide down to grab at your ass, "you sweet thing-"

you work at unbuttoning his shirt, shoving it off his arms. you pull off his belt, too, which he never rebuckled. shuck his pants down, drop to your knees.

but then he pulls you back up. "uh-uh," he shakes his head, "get on this bed right now for daddy. i wanna taste you while you taste me."

you scoot back onto the bed and lay down, your head near the pillows. joel walks around the bed and kisses you once more, deeply, and then he yanks off his socks and straddles your face.

"this okay baby?" he asks. his cock is thick and heavy and hanging against your cheek.

"yes, daddy-" you tell him, and move to take a tentative lick of his swollen head.

"good girl," he groans and stretches out. you grab his cock with one hand, gripping onto his hip with the other. you guide his cock in your mouth, relaxing and opening your throat just how you need to for this angle. the salty tang is perfect, and you can feel his body tremble.

then you can feel his breath on your abdomen as he trails kisses down and down and down and then his lips meet yours, his hands grip your ass, and he's pointed his tongue in the most delicious way as it flicks over your clit and then inside you. you're doing your best to stay focused on sucking his cock--you know he hasn't gotten off once yet tonight--but the sensation starts to build and build and build and it's all you can do to at least keep your throat open for him to fuck into as he brings you towards another climax.

he holds onto you as you come, as if any distance would cause you to disintegrate. you ride his tongue, dazed by the sensation, the brush of his beard, the way he's gotten loud and feral as he licks up the slick of your release. your thighs are wet, both from your own arousal and his spit, and as you come back to yourself, you know you need him to fuck you.

"joel-," you say, and he ignores you, continuing to lick at you.

"joel, please-," you beg, "need your cock so bad. need you to fuck me, to fill me up-"

he pulls back, "try again," and then dives in again.

"daddy, please!", you cry, and it comes out almost as a shout.m

"there's my good girl," he tells you, and swings his leg back over you so he's no longer straddling your face. he holds his dick and slaps it a few times on your cheek. "need this cock filling you up?"

"yes."

"better beg for it, baby girl."

you fucking love when he makes you beg, but you hate it too. he walks around the bed and then kneels on the foot of it. hooks his hands under your knees and pulls you towards him.

"need it, daddy. use this pussy, use me, please-" your begging has turned to whining, and joel's eyes are blown black, hard and beautiful as he looks at you.

"fill me up with your cum, take your pleasure from me, daddy, let me be so good for you."

in a single fluid motion, he yanks your knees up onto his shoulders and fucks into you in with a single long thrust.

you scream out, it's so much and so good.

"such a good girl, huh?" he asks you, cupping your jaw as he pounds into you. it's not soft, not languid, not gentle. he sets a brutal pace, his hips stuttering, cock ramming into you again and again and again. "sweet little toy for me to use, aren't you baby? keep that pussy open wide for your daddy, huh? so wet for me, you just wanna make daddy feel good, don'tcha?"

the sensation is too much, his coarse hair grinding against your clit as he fucks so deeply into you, sending sparks flying through you at the thought of it. he presses a palm into your belly, just below your navel, and the pleasure increases beautifully.

you've lost the ability to form coherent sentences, just "yes, yes, yes, so good daddy, so fucking deep, you're so big, such a big fuckin' cock, fuck!"

his moans have turned into strangled grunts, all his focus on getting himself off in you. you adjust your hips just a little and the angle allows him to press in just that little bit deeper.

"you love feeling me in here, don't ya?" he asks, pressing his fingers harder into your belly, pulling a moan from you you weren't expecting. his eyes flicker back to your face and his eyes crinkle, "takin' daddy's cock so nice."

then he moves his fingers back down to play with your clit again.

"gettin' close, baby," he tells you, "but i need just one more from ya. can you do that, pretty girl? come one more time on daddy's dick?"

you whine and writhe but you know you can--it's already building--and you tell him so.

"that's my good girl," he praises, his fingertips slick and teasing as he coaxes another orgasm out of you.

it hits you like a freight train, and suddenly you're spasming around him, sucking his cock almost deeper inside you, exploding with waves and waves of pleasure. you scream, and he lets out a strangled cry before he spills inside you.

it takes a few minutes before either of you move again. he pulls himself out gingerly, and you wince at the lack of fullness.

"took it so nice, baby," he tells you, and cupping a soothing hand over your pussy, being careful to avoid your clit or anything too sensitive. he pulls his hand away and looks at the mess on it, your come mixed together and dripping out of you. "so good for me."

then he kisses you, gentle, sweet and deep.

he runs a shower for the both of you and scrubs you both clean. it's possibly the most tender moment you've had with him, as he tucks a wet lock of your hair back, kissing you again as his softened cock presses against you and you let yourself savour the sensation of your bodies inhabiting the same space.

joel sorts through the linens and changes the sheets before you go to bed. it's unnecessary and oddly thoughtful, something you didn't really expect.

he wraps his arm around you, pulling you close as you snuggle in together. you can feel your eyelids growing heavy, but joel brings you back to him before you can drift off properly.

"you asked what this is between us. what i wanted."

you stay silent, waiting for him to continue.

"i-" he falters, "i still don't know. but i know that i care for you."

"joel-"

"and i know there's no place i'd rather be right now."

you let that sit for a moment. then turn and kiss him.

"go to sleep, joel."

"okay, pretty lady."

he pulls you close and you drift off in his arms.

[navstuffs]

Emptiness

Pairing: Leon Kennedy x GN!Reader

Summary: You are dead, and Leon wonders why he is still alive.

Warnings: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, long one-shot, leon is suicidial, suicide attempt!!, leon is depressive, MAJOR ANGST, abuse of alcohol, some usage of y/n, cigarettes/smoking, leon is a mess, SAD SAD SAD!!!, leon is suffering a lot, lots of pain, NO HAPPINESS!, dates in italic count since reader's death

Author's Note: idk, except i am sorry i like to make the characters i love suffer and share that on the internet? i made my husband read this, and he doesn't care about leon whatsoever, and he ended up upset for him at the end so you can imagine how this goes. i have more happy leon's fanfics, you can check it out here!

PLEASE, PROCEED CAREFULLY, AS THIS FANFIC DESCRIBES SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, DEPRESSION, AND ALCOHOLISM.

If you have been struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, you are NOT alone! Here is a link for tumblr support for some helpful information, depending in what country you are! Seek help, you are loved, you are strong, you are wanted!

3 months, 27 days, 3 hours, 5 minutes

The first thing Leon notices when he wakes up is that he is cold. He isn't wearing a shirt, and for some reason, the blankets covering his body look dirty with some unknown substance. He groans, throwing the blanket on the floor. He still wears the jeans from last night, has no shirt on, and doesn't smell well.

The second thing he hears is his phone's ringtone. It had to be Chris. Or Claire wondering if he is alive. He sits up, his hand rubbing his face as a way to make the headache less.

The third thing Leon notices is his hand resting in the empty space of the bed. Your empty space on the bed. He gulps because he hasn't touched that part since returning to the house. He raises his hand as if Leon contaminated the area, the last pieces he had of you.

Leon glimpses under your pillow a very familiar black shirt. One of the ones he gave to you. Leon doesn't remember grabbing it last night. He holds it, checking if he got dirty, but the shirt seems clean. Leon takes the shirt to his nose, smelling it. 

His phone rings a second time breaking his trance. He gets up from the bed and sighs when he sees the nightstands filled with beer cans. You would have hated that.

When he finally finds his phone on the bathroom floor, Leon's headache worsens when he sees Chris's name.

"Yeah?"

"Fuck Leon, I was on my way to your house right now. You scared me, man."

"What do you want?" Leon isn't in the mood to talk, especially with Chris.

"Claire told me she went by your house last night, and you weren't there. She says the motorcycle wasn't there. Have you been drinking and driving again?"

Leon rolls his eyes. As if drinking and driving was a big problem for him now.

"Okay, mom, if that is all, then."

"Look," Chris sighs, and there is a long pause before he speaks again. "There is a mission. If you are still interested."

Finally, Leon thinks. He has been begging for one for weeks now, and Chris has always said "no," "next time," or "we shall see" due to his mental health situation.

"Yeah. When?"

"I will send you more details when I have it. Look, Leon, I just don't think you should—"

Leon hangs up without letting Chris finish. He scrolls through his lost calls, mostly all of them being from Chris and Claire. A few from Jill when she was trying to help. It got too much for her as well. Leon scrolls down even longer, finally finding your name.

Almost four months ago. Has it been that long? Two last calls.

As a ritual he repeats every morning, Leon clicks on your name, hearing the call go straight to voice mail. Precisely as he wanted.

Hi, this is Y/N, you tried to reach me, but I can't take your call now! Leave me a voice message, and I will contact you as soon as possible!

Beep.

-x-

 4 months

Jill Valentine is sitting in front of Leon inside the jet. She hasn't looked at him once inside the plane as they are being taken to a contamination site. Her eyes are distant, her form is tense, and Leon maybe thinks that time can't cure it all.

"Preparing to land," They hear in their radio communications. Leon rechecks his gun, wondering without significant interest if any of that would ever end. When he looks up, Jill is observing him.

"You ready for this?" She asks with a mild tone of curiosity in her voice.

You knew Jill longer than you knew Leon, actually. You were her best friend before becoming his lover. Jill had given Leon all the solemn talk of "Don't fuck up with my best friend, or I will kill you." After your passing, Jill had become somewhat like a ghost in his life. She tried, Leon wonders, if not for you, to give him support in the first two weeks, but Leon knew deep down she blamed him.

And she was right.

"Yeah," He answers.

Jill nods. The last time she had seen Leon, he was miserable. With the longest beard Leon has ever had, bloodshot eyes, hair a mess, drunk, and the smell of cigarettes around the house. She told herself she would try for you, but it wasn't easy to see Leon like that. And after she said you would hate it if he smoked inside their house and Leon grunted that you were dead and never coming back, she left without looking twice.

She never understood why Chris and Claire continued. Maybe because they knew him longer than they knew you.

The plane finally lands in a safe space, and they exit. It is in an abandoned industrial area this time, and they might have survivors who live nearby and might need help.

"Do not fuck this up," Jill warns.

"I won't."

-x-

1 month, 1 week, 2 days, and 5 hours

Claire Redfield is knocking on Leon's door. It is way past dinner time, but she brings pizza. From your favorite place. Claire knows he won't have eaten anything since Chris kept telling her Leon is losing weight. Since your death, Claire has tried to help Leon out as much as she could because she knows that is what you would have wanted, to no avail.

"Come on, Leon, I have pizza! I know you haven't eaten today!" She announces.

That's when her sixth sense starts beeping. All house lights are off, which is strange: Leon either left the TV or any light on. Leon didn't like the darkness. Claire tries to open the door but is locked. Leon never locked the door since he was back for this house. With her heart racing, Claire goes to her bag and grabs the reserve key. She shares one with Chris, and they both trade every week. Leon doesn't seem to care, not that he cares about many things lately.

She enters the apartment to complete silence. No sight of him anywhere.

"Leon?" Her voice is distant, as her hands are looking for her gun. Maybe someone invaded and got him? Perhaps something else—?

The air escapes from Claire's lungs when she sees Leon. Hanging from the ceiling.

"Leon!" She screams, running fast to hold his legs. She doesn't know what she is doing, she is calling for help, she is trying to get a chair, she is trying to hold his legs up so he can breathe. Claire doesn't dare to look up.

With one sudden decision, Claire gets her gun and shoots three times at the rope. Leon's body drops, and he is pale as a ghost. She kneels near him, feeling his pulse. There is still one, very light, but there is one.

Without thinking twice, Claire starts CPR, Stayin' Live by Bee Gees, in her head. She knows Leon will hate her for this, but she can't fail this. She would have hated herself, you would have hated her.

"Come on, Leon, come on." She begs desperately as she compresses his chest with all her strength. When Leon finally breathes, a small vigorous one, Claire is sweating on her clothes. She sighs, relieved, sitting down on the floor, drained.

She grabs her bag and finds her phone to call the emergency number, asking for an ambulance. That her friend attempted suicide. She gives them Leon's address, checking for his breathing. When Leon opens his eyes, he is confused. The last thing he remembers is kicking the chair away, the air escaping slowly from his lungs. He looks around, finding Claire's face in his peripheral view. She seems to be crying, her hands on his chest.

His blue eyes find hers, and Leon looks with hatred in her direction for the first time that Claire doesn't recognize him. She feels tears form in the corner of her eyes, and her lips shake, but she holds them back.

"I have called an ambulance," Her voice shakes, and Leon's stare carries so much weight that she must look away.

-x-

1 month, 3 weeks, 8 hours, 2 minutes. 

The hospital door opens, and Leon exits, carrying his duffel bag. After staying confined for almost two weeks, he inhales the fresh air. Those two weeks, instead of helping, just made him feel worse. Much worse. With no alcohol, no cigarettes, nothing, Leon had no way to forget. He woke up and went to sleep with your face on his mind.

Going through what he did wrong. What he could have done right.

He feels the pain sting his soul, thinking about your smile. Fuck, he needed a drink. He needed some sort of dubious mixed-up cocktail. The stronger, the better. When he looks to his left, he sees Chris Redfield standing.

Sighing, he walks toward Chris. Leon knows he won't be able to run away. Chris has a worried stare as he gets closer. To be honest, Leon thought he should have hated after what he did to Claire, but no, Redfield still manages to give him a small smile when Leon gets close.

"Hey."

"Who told you I was going to leave?"

"Mhm, the hospital? You are in my care for the next couple of weeks."

"I am going home." Leon starts to walk away from him, but Chris's arm stops him.

"No, you are not. As I said, you are in my care. And if I need to drag you to my car and make a scene in front of all those people, I will. What do you think?"

Leon hates how Chris can look like you so much regarding his care. Always to drastic measures, you both could say. Pretending to have given up, Leon holds his hands up as a sign of defeat and follows Chris to his car.

"Is...Claire okay?" Leon mutters as Chris starts the car. Leon can see Chris hold the wheel stronger than he should, but the moment passes, and Chris answers.

"She is worried sick about you. She has been...busy, that is all."

Leon knows that is a lie. He had seen Claire on one of the visitations day, and she seemed upset like she had been crying every day since she found him. Leon felt guilty Claire was finding him (he thought someone else would) and was outraged when she saved him. And he ended up lashing out at her. When Claire tried to argue during the visitations that is what you would have wanted, Leon roared that he never wanted to see her again.

To be honest, Leon is relieved. One less person for him to hurt. Chris, well, that one was hard. Leon knows he isn't giving up that easily. Especially after the last thing he said to you was that he would protect him during a mission.

"No, no, Chris, you don't understand, he bikes around without a helmet and thinks that is super cool? I mean, how old is he again? You better keep your eye on him, if I am not around. Got it?" You asked, winking in Leon's direction. He knew you were teasing him, but Chris's tone was serious when he answered.

"Loud and clear."

In the first three weeks after your death, Chris was there. He rummaged through the house, taking everything Leon could use to harm himself. Leon's guns were the first to go, Leon didn't know how he discovered the password, and honestly, he didn't care. He just woke up a day with them gone. Knives? Gone. It was like Chris was baby-proofing the house. 

Leon would have lost much more weight during that time if it wasn't for Chris insisting on him eating. Or hydrate. Warning if he got too weak to take care of himself, Chris would have made sure to strap him to a bed and kept him there against his will.

"There are cigarettes in the glove's compartment," Chris says, cutting his line of thought.

Leon looks at him with suspicion before opening. Chris wasn't lying. There is even a lighter there.

"You smokin' now?" Leon asks out of curiosity.

"No. I bought those for you."

Leon lights up a cigar, opening the window. The rest of the car ride goes silent, and when they finally arrive at Chris's house, he turns off the car, sighing.

"Look, Leon. I am not very good at this, and you know it. You will stay with me as long as you want, but I can't keep you a prisoner in my house."

Leon observes him, and Chris takes the courage to finally say it.

"No one wants you dead, Leon. What happened to Y/N, it wasn't your fault. And you need therapy."

Leon gives a humorless laugh, opening the door of the car.

"You are not bad at this, Chris. You are terrible at this."

-x-

4 months, 1 day, 5 hours

Ada Wong is good at her job. She does what she is paid to do when she needs to do it. No feelings attached, except, well, when Leon Kennedy is involved. It had been like this since the events during Raccoon City.

And then, suddenly, you appeared on his side during the events in Spain. You were something else, for sure. Standing by his side, remaining strong, although that was your first mission, or so Ada heard. And facing up her, determination in your eyes. Ada found you adorable, perfect for Leon. The loyalty, in your eyes, was something she could never demonstrate.

The man in front of her now was just what once was Leon Kennedy, her..."ally" from the other side. Ada had to admit she was shocked when she first saw him, barely recognizing him. Leon had big dark bags under his eyes, not as strong as he once was. And there was...no life in his once vivid blue eyes. Nothing.

"Ada Wong. Doing something for yourself again?" Leon asks, his voice monotone.

Ada was used to his hostility, mistrust, and even anger. But not that complete apathy, a complete lack of emotions. Leon Kennedy was dead, she was confident, and he died when you did.

"You know I don't share my secrets, big boy," She says, her tone the same as always. "But we can always find common ground, as we always do."

Leon nods, and Ada tells herself she shouldn't care, she shouldn't ask. But she has never seen it like this, and this Leon frightens her.

"I have heard about Y/N. My condolences."

Leon's eyes go wide with surprise. He looks at Ada as if she has just arrived from outer space.

"Is this one of your schemes? 'Cause if it is, cut the crap, I am not in the mood."

"It is not. I heard about what happened." Is Ada Wong really showing empathy? Leon blinks, surprised, but he shakes his head. No, it has to be one of her tricks. Since when did Ada start caring about him?

"Shut up, Ada. Do not mention this ever again. We are here for a mission, nothing else, nothing more. Stop pretending you fucking care." Leon's voice is low, and Ada doesn't say anything as she watches him walk in the dark corridor before her. She has known him long enough to know when he is being serious, and she knows he is threatening her life now.

Ada sighs. The Leon Kennedy she once knew, was gone. You left a carcass behind, a damaged man for the rest of his life. Ada still remembers the last thing she said to you, before she disappeared.

"You are truly special. Take care of him."

-x-

1 minute

"Is Mr. Leon Kennedy speaking?"

Leon stops when he answers his phone to a strange voice. 

"Yes? Who is this?"

"Mr. Kennedy, this is from McKenney Hospital. Could we speak with you in just a moment? Are you busy or driving?"

"No. Hospital, you say? What is going on?"

"We just need a moment of your time. Do you know Y/N L/N?"

Leon's heart starts bumping against his chest.

"Yes. What about it?"

"Y/N L/N was involved in a car crash today, sir. At this moment in time, they are doing surgery on them."

"What? No, excuse me, ma'am, this is some mistake."

The gentle voice behind the phone silences as she listens, Leon saying you weren't involved in an accident. It was impossible. You were coming to have dinner with him later, you were going to forgive him, you were going to be back together just fine. When Leon shuts up, the voice speaks again with much more compassion.

"You are tagged as their emergency contact, Mr. Kennedy. How long can you get in here—"

"I just fucking told you, lady, that is impossible, they are coming to have dinner with me, we are supposed to reconnect, and you aren't listening to me!" Leon screams the last part, punching the counter before him and making all the glass bowls in the counter jump. 

The compassionate voice waits to speak again in a much more determined tone.

"Mr. Kennedy, I suggest you come to the hospital, not alone. Come with a friend. We will answer all your questions and concerns when you get here. Just don't come alone."

Leon turns off the call, pissed. How can the lady be so stupid? He told her over and over again you were on your way to his house, your house. Leon had been cooking the whole night, preparing your favorite dinner. After that, he would never let you away from him ever again. He breathes deeply now, trying to ease the tremors on his hands, when he lets his eyes wander off to the TV, a news broadcast about a terrible accident that happened. Some drunk driver caused this accident that involved a with a truck oil tank, and five people were killed. Many injuries reported.

Without thinking twice, Leon grabs his motorcycle's keys.

He doesn't know how he got in one piece in the hospital. Something inside him tells him to call Jill, Claire, Chris, or someone, anyone, but he doesn't. The hospital's entrance is chaotic, with most victims being taken there since it was the closest location.

Leon asks your name to the front receptionist, and they say they are operating you now. The lady points to the waiting room area, where Leon waits. Leon had felt fear many times in his life, but nothing compared to this. He knew you were strong. Stronger than him, actually. You were brave. You were getting out of this.

Because he didn't know how to live without you.

Leon observed families getting good and bad news for what seemed an eternity. The death toll climbed to more two people, a mom crumble in the doctor's arms due to the loss of his son and husband. Leon was praying, begging for some higher force or anything for you to live.

He would never drink again. Leon Kennedy would never let the darkness inside him win and let you go. He would never doubt himself or his ability to love. No, Leon would love you even more intensely than he already did, more than anything in his life.

Leon takes a while to get up when the doctor finally calls his name. He feels sick, his stomach is twisting. He counts nine steps until he gets to the doctor, a lady with scrubs and an indecipherable face.  

"Mr. Kennedy, do you want me to take you to a more private room?"

"Tell me."

The doctor sighs, looking directly into his eyes when she says. 

"We did everything we could, Mr. Kennedy. I am sorry they didn't make it."

No. 

"I am sorry, Mr. Kennedy, I truly am."

No. NO! NO!

"Mr. Kennedy, please, don't, I am sorry. Can I get some help over here? Please, don't do this!"

It takes six or seven security guards to stop Leon from destroying the waiting room or even hurting someone. He is crying, he is begging, he is losing himself. It couldn't be true. It just couldn't. It was unfair: not after everything he had done or everything you went through together. He always told you he needed to die first because Leon knew damn well he couldn't live without you. Leon has a hole in his chest that will never close again. He feels someone pull his sleeve up, a pinching sensation, and Leon falls into darkness. 

[cookies-over-yonder]

two sides of the same coin

Adaine tries to relax her jaw. It doesn't work, and her ears are ringing, and fuck, her chest hurts so bad. "Adaine?" Riz. She tries to speak, but all that comes out is a sob.

for @kaseyskat

ao3

Adaine squeezes Boggy in her arms, feeling the tears slide down her face. She's curled up in a ball on her bed, and she can't breathe.

She's having a panic attack, and she knows it, but Jawbone isn't home. It's fine. She can handle it. That's what she told herself when she left movie night in the living room.

She tries to relax her jaw. It doesn't work, and her ears are ringing, and fuck, her chest hurts so bad.

"Adaine?"

Riz. She tries to speak, but all that comes out is a sob.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, can I touch you?" he asks, and his voice is quiet. Adaine doesn't think she's ever heard Riz sound so gentle.

She nods, and she feels a hand brushing her hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear, and another hand holding hers.

"Can you look at me?"

She hadn't even realized her eyes were closed.

She opens them, and sees Riz starting back at her with wide and concerned eyes. "Hey, it's okay, I'm right here, you're safe, we're gonna do some deep breaths, okay? Can you follow along with me?"

She nods.

Riz takes in a deep, audible breath, and she follows along. And she lets it out, feeling more tears slide down her face. "So—sorr—"

"Stop that. Remember what Jawbone said? It's not your fault that your brain is giving you shit, so don't apologize."

Adaine whines despite herself, a childish whine that would get her trouble for were she still living with her parents.

But she doesn't get in trouble this time.

This time... she gets a hug.

"Just breathe, it's okay," Riz says softly, rubbing circles into her back, "I'm here for as long as you need."

Adaine breathes, and she buries her face in the crook of Riz's neck despite the height difference making it a bit of an awkward position.

She whines again, and it's an embarassing thing, but she can't help it. And Riz runs his hands through her hair, and she feels so small.

"You're safe, everything is okay, I promise," Riz says, "just keep breathing, you're doing so well."

Adaine keeps breathing, and she feels the post-panic attack fatigue hit harder than it has in a long time.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Riz asks after a moment, pulling away to look at her.

Adaine whines again, curling in on herself a little.

"It's okay if you can't talk, do you wanna go back to watching a movie with the others?"

She shakes her head.

"Okay, we can stay here," Riz says, brushing her hair out of her face again and planting a kiss on her forehead. She looks up in surprise, and he averts his gaze. "Um... my mom does that when I'm upset, I thought it might help."

Adaine nods, and she sees him let out a small sigh of relief.

"Are you feeling any better?" he asks, and she nods, and then she buries her head in the crook of his neck again. He wraps his arms around and holds her tighter. "We can just take a nap here if you want."

You sleep too, Adaine Messages him, and she hears him chuckle.

"I'm fine, you need rest," he says, and helps her shift into a lying down position, with Boggy between them. "Do you want me to stay here with you while you trance?"

She nods, squeezing Boggy and shifting so she's cuddled up against Riz.

He drapes an arm over her, pulling her closer.

"I love you, okay?" Riz says, wiping a falling tear off her cheek, and burying his face in her hair. "You don't have to be strong for everyone all the time. I'd rather help you than know you're struggling alone."

I could say the same for you, Adaine Messages him.

She feels Riz tense up a little. "That—that's not relevant right now."

Isn't it?

"You need your rest right now. That's a topic for another time."

Always avoidant.

"If I try to sleep too, will you get off my case?"

For now.

"Deal," Riz says, taking off his glasses and placing them on the bedside table before returning to cuddle with Adaine and closing his eyes.

And feeling a much more at ease, she closes her eyes too, focusing on Riz's protective embrace as she drifts off to trance.

[joelswritingmistress]

You Scare Me, Professor: Chapter 49

Summary: The reader is taking graduate classes at a local university in the wooded upstate New York. She is drawn to her professor, Dr. Joel Miller, though she is also inherently aware that he has something dark about him that she can't quite put her finger on. As the reader's attraction grows deeper, she has to decide whether to endure the danger or run away as fast as possible. 

Pairing: Professor Joel Miller x f!reader 

Franky Miller sat with her knees bent and her back against the headboard. She chewed away at her thumbnail, unable to focus on the page-turner she had in her lap. She closed the book and let out a quiet sigh, looking around the otherwise quiet, empty room. Chas laid on his side beside her, sleeping peacefully.

“Chas,” Franky whispered, half-hoping he wouldn’t wake up. The two of them had been worn out by the long drive and the family-fun shenanigans that followed. Still, she needed to talk to him. Something hadn’t settled right in the depths of her stomach. “Chas.” The tone of her voice grew more urgent and just a pitch louder.

“Hmm?” He didn’t open his eyes and pulled the top cover up closer to his chin.

Franky reached for her phone and glanced down at the last text message she had sent to Joel. He hadn’t replied.

“Chas, something’s wrong.” When he didn’t open his eyes or respond she said his name louder. “Chas!”

“What? What? What is it?” He sat up part way, startled and looking around. “What!” Chas’s eyes widened and he stared at Franky.

“Something’s wrong, Chas.”

“What?” He edged an inch toward her as if struggling to hear.

“This is going to sound ridiculous,” Franky went on. The look on her face made her husband all the more alert. “But do you remember when the kids were young and we had a code word?” She studied his expression and went on, “You know, like, if a stranger approached them and said, ‘your mom wanted me to give you a ride home’, we told Carol and Joel to ask them what our family code word was. Or, if they called us from somewhere and needed help but couldn’t say it out loud, they could just say the code word over the phone.”

“Grape Soda,” Chas grumbled, but flashed his wife a smile. “That was the code word.”

Franky smiled back and nodded adamantly, but put a hand to her lips as her smile faded. “Joel’s in trouble, Chas.”

“What do you mean?”

“I passed him in the hallway,” she went on, “Not long ago. He and WIll said they were going down for some bachelor party thing.”

“So, why do you think he’s in trouble?” Chas asked.

Franky sighed and looked him in the eye. “I should’ve picked up on it right away. He looked right at me. As the two of them passed me, Joel said they were going downstairs to have grape soda.”

Chas squinted his eyes and shrugged, but didn’t dismiss her feelings. “Do you think he was teasing because we were all reminiscing tonight? Or maybe he was referring to drinking beer as grape soda?”

Franky soaked it in. She listened to Chas’s probable reasons why their son might have said that to her. Both scenarios made sense. But so did hers. And internally she knew something wasn’t right. Mother’s intuition.

“I don’t think so, Chas.” She shook her head and right away he tossed the covers off and stepped out of bed, slipping his feet into the pair of slippers he’d left by the nightstand.

“I’ll go down to his room.”

“I tried calling,” Franky admitted, “No one picked up.”

“What about his cell?”

“No response. And I don’t know his girlfriend’s number.”

Chas looked around and then tossed a sweatshirt over his t-shirt. “I’m going to knock on the door. And then I’ll try Carol.”

Franky put a hand over her mouth again and then spoke. “Am I overreacting?” She asked, “I don’t want to disturb Carol on the night before her wedding.”

Chas put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her forehead. “You’re not overreacting. Mother’s intuition above anything else.”

She gave a forced, closed-mouth smile. “I’m going to text him again.”

“I’ll be right back.” Chas grabbed one of the key cards for their room and shoved it into the pocket of his plaid pajama pants. He then headed out into the hallway, taking it most of the way down until he got to the room where his son was staying.

With a hearty knock, Chas called out, “Joel?” He gave a listen. “(Y/N)?”

Nothing.

He knocked again and called out their names a second time. When no one answered, he followed with a third knock and then decided to head to Carol’s room. In the same fashion, he knocked on her door.

“Carol? It’s Dad.” He waited a moment and began to knock again, when the door swung open.

“Hey.” The television was on in the background and Carol had a bottle of Poland Spring in her hand. She looked at him with confusion in her eyes.

“Have you talked to your brother?”

Carol shrugged. “Earlier tonight.”

“Where’s Will?”

“Down at the bar.. I think. Why?” She squinted her eyes now. “Are they okay? Did something happen?”

Chas shook his head. “Your mother is just having trouble getting a hold of Joel, that’s all. She saw him and Will walk by earlier.”

“I’m sure they’re just downstairs having a few beers.”

“Yeah.” He ran a hand across the side of his face and sucked his teeth.

“Are they not down there?” Concern plagued her features, truly, for the first time.

“I haven’t gone down there yet,” Chas admitted, “I’ll just go take a peak to ease your mother’s mind.”

Carol let out a sigh of relief, “I’m sure that’s where they are.” She motioned to the pajama pants, “Maybe switch to jeans.. or even sweatpants before you go down.”

Chas huffed a laugh. “I’m sorry to bother you.”

“Never.” Carol leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug. “Tell Mom to stop worrying. Joel’s a big boy.”

“A mother’s worry never ends,” he informed her with a wink.

“I’ll text the two of them and let you know if they respond.”

“Thanks.” Chas nodded. “Goodnight. Get some rest.”

Carol gave a nod and kissed her hand, waving it toward him before closing the door.

Chas headed back to his room and reentered. Franky rose from her seated position on the edge of the bed.

“Well?” She asked right away.

“No answer at his room, but I just talked to Carol.”

“And?”

“She’s certain they’re at the bar downstairs. I’m going to check it out.” Chas pulled down his pajama pants, leaving him in his underwear as he glanced around the area.

“What the hell are you doing?” Franky asked him, making him chuckle.

“Carol recommended I change before I head down.”

Franky finally managed a little laugh and found a pair of jeans on top of their luggage bag, tossing it to him. “Please be careful.”

Chas nodded. “If I do find them at the bar, have I earned myself a drink?”

Franky smirked and held up a finger. “One drink.”

He made a cross over his heart. “You got it, honey.”

CLICK HERE FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER

@untamedheart81 @suttonspuds @cesspitoflove @michilandcof @grogusmum @morallyinept @akah565 @brittmb115 @magpiepills @poodlebae @gobaaby-blog-blog @mermaidgirl30 @mandojojo @shotgun-shelby @itscatrodriguez-thepearl @macaroni676 @smolbeanzzz @sarcasm-theotherwhitemeat @bandluvr97

[stargazer-sims]

The New Tenant

Clancy: How was school today, guys? Any big discoveries or juicy drama?

Grey: I got an A on my essay for English. Oh, and tryouts for the school play are next Friday, so I’m gonna sign up.

Frankie: Middle school theatre. Ooh…

Clancy: Be nice to your brother, Frankie.

Frankie: He’s an awesome actor, but the school play isn’t exactly drama.

Grey: But, it is. It’s literally drama.

Frankie: Ugh!

Clancy: He does have a point.

Frankie: Okay, fine. Can we talk about my drama now?

Grey: It's not your drama. It's our drama. This is gonna affect me as much it affects you.

Clancy: What is it?

Frankie: It's about Forest. Camellia told me she overheard Uncle Fox and Uncle Takahiro talking last night, and she said they were discussing kicking Forest out. She said he was gonna move in with us.

Grey: Frankie texted me at lunch and told me. Is it really true?

Clancy: Your uncles aren't kicking Forest out, but Uncle Fox and I did have a conversation about letting him move to our place.

Grey: Ugh... Mom!

Frankie: How could you do that to us?

Clancy: I don't see how it has anything to do with you.

Frankie: It totally does! Now we're gonna have to socialize with him.

Grey: He's so weird.

Frankie: Not to mention that he's lazy, and he's a total brat. Just so you know, I'm not doing his share of the chores and I'm not cleaning up after him.

Grey: Yeah, same. Like, why couldn't we have a cool cousin move in with us? I'd love for Takashi to move in.

Frankie: Or Camellia.

Clancy: Guys, enough! Forest won't be moving into the house with us. He's going to be living in the garage apartment. If you don't want to hang out with him, you don't have to, and you don't have to do any extra chores.

Frankie: So we can just totally ignore him?

Grey: I vote for that.

Clancy: If that's your plan, it's fine. I was kind of hoping you'd have a better attitude about this whole thing, though.

Grey: Why should we? Forest doesn't even like us.

Frankie: It's mutual. I'm embarrassed to even admit that jerk is our cousin.

Grey: Yeah, what Frankie said.

Frankie: Why is he moving into the garage apartment anyway? Did the uncles finally get tired of his shit?

Clancy: He's moving in because he needs to learn a lesson that he can't learn at home.

Grey: Like what? How not to be a complete jerkwad?

Clancy: Greyson!

Frankie: *giggling* But like, where's the lie?

Clancy: Frankie, do you remember the summer you broke your arm?

Frankie: Yeah, but how's that relevant?

Clancy: Do you remember how you broke your arm?

Frankie: Doing skateboard tricks at the park with Camellia and Matsu.

Clancy: Trying to go down those concrete steps at the park on your skateboard, after Uncle Fox told you not to.

Frankie: Yeah.

Clancy: And did you ever try that again?

Frankie: No, 'cause I didn't want to hurt myself again.

Clancy: Right. The point is, some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Sometimes giving people instructions or advice and hoping they'll make good choices doesn't work, and they have to go through something difficult before they get the message. Does that make sense?

Grey: And living in the garage apartment is going to teach Forest something?

Clancy: Your uncles are hoping it'll teach him not to take all the good people and good things in his life for granted. They want him to grow up a little bit and learn about responsibility.

Frankie: You think it's going to work?

Clancy: I don't know, but we're all hoping it does.

Grey: I'll bet next month's allowance it doesn't.

Frankie: Me too. Double allowance if he doesn't even make it a week.

Clancy: I'm not betting with you on your cousin's success. No one's going to lose their allowance or get double. You should want Forest to succeed as much as his parents and I do.

Grey: Why?

Clancy: Because you never know what's going to happen in the future. Some day, one of you might need someone to rely on, and what if Forest is the only one around?

Grey: I'll take my chances, thanks.

Frankie: Me too. Anyway, why would I ever need Forest when I've got Grey and five actually decent cousins? Me and Grey are forever. Right, Grey?

Grey: One hundred percent. Even if you're a huge pain in the butt sometimes, I'm always gonna have your back. Just like Mom and Uncle Fox.

Clancy: Okay. I can see this is as far as we're going to get on this topic today. We'll come back to it later if you guys want to, but just so we're clear, the decision is up to your uncles and me. You're allowed to have opinions, but we're not taking a vote, okay?

Frankie: We don't like it, but... okay.

Clancy: Grey?

Grey: If we don't have a choice, I guess we'll just have to make the best of it. You know, try to make things... interesting.

Frankie: Ooh... I see where you're going there. Are you thinking exploding gift box or exploding toilet?

Grey: Toilet. Definitely exploding toilet. Since we already know we don't have to clean up in there...

Clancy: *sighing*

[honestlynervousnut]

•You can't just leave like this• ｡⁠*⁠♡

(inspiration hit me around 1AM plus I've been wanting to do a helicopter crash fic)

One cold night in Los Angeles, down the middle of the freeway the blaring lights of an ambulance could be heard making its way quickly between the vehicles.

After a whole day of intense searching, the helicopter of the 217 had been found with only one person on the inside: The pilot Thomas Kinard, who was now being taken to the hospital after being miraculously found alive.

His injuries were serious -a gash in his head, multiple bruises and a large piece of glass protruding from his belly and lodged in his pancreas- They had put him on an oxygen label to help with his breathing difficulty.

Buck, Eddie, Chim and Maddie were on the ambulance while Hen assisted Tommy, Buck was clinging to Tommy's hand -And he was unable to let go-

"T-Tommy, Tommy Hey...Hey look at me, Hey!" Buck cries giving Tommy's face light slaps trying to get him to stay awake "Come ooon....p-pleaassee" He sobs placing a hand over Tommy's wound trying to stop the hemorrhage. "Don't leave... don't leave me now please...."

Tommy was pale, cold, disoriented and confused as he looked around the ambulance. But that stopped the moment he locked eyes with Maddie. Maddie clocked that.

"M-m....Maaa...." Tommy muttered weakly reaching out for her.

When Maddie realized he was trying to talk to her she quickly got Up and got closer to Tommy.

"Hey...." She said softly as she grabbed his hand "Hey yeah Its me im here... don't worry"

Tommy smiled weakly

"Momma...." He muttered.

The blood from both Buckley siblings froze from the shock.

"No...." Whispered Buck with a hand on his mouth "No....no...nonononono...." He sobbed realizing what that meant, Tommy was in the delirium phase.

It broke Maddie's heart to see the man who, despite not being married to her brother, had been her brother-in-law for a whole year like this, but right now she couldn't fail him, she couldn't deny this to Tommy, so she wiped away her tears, sighed and spoke to him.

"Y-yes...im here hun....im here don't worry..." She said softly stroking Tommy's hair to calm him down, to what his smile just widened.

"I-I did It mom..." He chuckled as a tear rolled down his cheek "I told you I could do It"

"What did you do?" Maddie asked.

Tommy looked at her.

"I finally have a family...." He whispered excited.

Buck and Chim sobbed even more.

Maddie, Hen and Eddie tried to hold the tears in but were failing miserably.

Maddie smiled at Tommy.

"That's.... that's great honey...I-I knew you could do It....god im so proud of you..."

Tommy chuckled but winced from the pain.

"Mom....It hurts....this hurts...." Tommy sobbed lowly tightening his grip around Maddie's hand.

"I know son....I know It hurts" she said stroking his knuckles "But you have to stay strong....for your family! C'mon you can't leave them right now...not like this....you still have a lot left to do!" She remembered him.

Tommy looked at the roof of the ambulance for a few seconds as if he were remembering and then looked back at Maddie.

"Mom...Can you give Evan a message?"

Buck looked at Tommy, Maddie gave him a quick glance before answering.

"Of course hun....what is It?"

"Tell him.... that I love him...and that the only....thing I regret not having done in this life....Is marrying him..." Tommy smiled.

When we arrived at the hospital, the doors of the ambulance opened wide and the doctors took the stretcher with Tommy inside the hospital.

Buck didn't even have time to respond, he collapsed in the ambulance and started crying loudly. Everyone on the ambulance hugged him.

[akariarda]

Misako's birthday

After S3. Birthdays are always good. Even when they are not what we imagined them to be.

Request from ao3

"Dad, dad!" Lloyd shouted when he saw Sensei Garmadon in the hallway.

"Why are you shouting, son?" Sensei turned around and looked at him curiously.

"Do you know that tomorrow is Mom's birthday?!" Lloyd, full of energy, reached Sensei Garmadon.

"Of course I know." Sensei Garmadon smiled gently.

"Do you remember how ninja and I made a surprise for you?" Lloyd proudly asked."Well, we are planning something similar for tomorrow..."

"Wait, wait." Sensei Garmadon shook his head. "Wu and I told you no big celebrations."

"But just the ninjas and..."

"No, Lloyd." Sensei Garmadon cut him off. "We agreed that the ninjas are not coming here tomorrow."

"Why?!" Lloyd asked angrily. "They were here for your birthday and for mine; we went to theirs..."

"Lloyd," Sensei Garmadon sighed and put a hand on Lloyd's shoulder. "I already told you that your mother doesn't like celebrating birthdays with a lot of people..."

"She liked it at your birthday," Lloyd frowned. "At least I think so."

"Not at her own birthday..." Sensei Garmadon insisted.

"Why?" It wasn't clear to Lloyd.

"You will have to ask her." Sensei Garmadon ruffled Lloyd's hair.

"Are we going on a picnic?" Lloyd asked, and Sensei Garmadon nodded silently.

"And can ninja afterwards..." "Lloyd," Sensei Garmadon sighed wearily.

"Did you not hear that you are making too much focus on you and ninja?"

"Well..." Lloyd scratched his head.

"You have a lot of your own birthdays." Sensei Garmadon gently hugged Lloyd. "But now respect you mother's wish,it's her birthday afterall."

"Okay, dad." Lloyd smiled. "If you really think mom will like it."

~~~~~~

"It's nice when your birthday falls on a Sunday, isn't it?" Sensei Garmadon laughed as he and Misako prepared things for the picnic.

"It really is," Misako sighed. "I don't have to see certain people from work. I'm with you and Lloyd, of course."

"Happy birthday, mom!" Lloyd cheerfully flew into Misako's arms.

"Thank you, sweetheart." Misako smiled at Lloyd and kissed him on the forehead.

"Are we leaving soon?" Lloyd looked curiously at the things around.

"Just let me finish packing a few more things," Sensei Garmadon said.

~~~~~

"It's nice here," Misako said, looking at the nature around her. "And quiet. Peaceful and quiet."

"Can I ask you something, mom?" Lloyd looked at Misako.

"Yes?" Misako looked at him curiously.

Sensei Garmadon shot Lloyd a glare and he decided to change the question.

"Are you enjoying it here so far?"

"Yes," Misako said, placing her hand on Lloyd's shoulder. "It hasn't been this nice for me in a long time."

"Me neither," Lloyd quietly said, resting his head on her shoulder.

"We should go out like this more often." Sensei Garmadon suggested.

"I'm in!" Lloyd exclaimed. "Less training and more picnics."

"Haha." Sensei Garmadon laughed. "That part about less training is out of the question."

Misako laughed too. She looked at the messages, mostly from ninjas who wished her a happy birthday but also something else.

"What is it?" Sensei Garmadon gently asked Misako when he saw her frowning.

"You know how rarely we get to go out like this because of training and... complications with my job," Misako said quietly. Sensei Garmadon’s expression darkened.

"What’s happening?" Lloyd looked worriedly at his parents.

"I have to urgently go to work." Misako sighed and stood up.

"But it's your birthday!" Lloyd protested.

"Unfortunately, that's not how it works..." Misako said sadly.

"When will you be back?" Sensei Garmadon asked.

"I don’t know," Misako shrugged.

"Once you're back, we can celebrate later, can't we?" Lloyd asked.

"Of course we can, Lloyd," Misako said and hugged him.

~~~~~

"Wow, that took a long time at work," Sensei Garmadon said, wrapping his arm around Misako's shoulders as she came home.

"Don’t tell me anything..." Misako darkened before his eyes.

"Listen..." Sensei Garmadon tried to say something, but Kai interrupted him.

"Happy birthday, Misako!"

"Thank you." Misako looked at him confusedly. She thought the ninjas weren't going to come.

"I know that you dislike having big celebrations on your birthday. But we thought we could at least all eat cake together. After all, we're family. Nothing big like, for example, Garmadon's birthday. Can we?" Kai finished his speech and looked at Misako tense.

"Of course we can, let’s go." Misako smiled at that.

"I had to let them go" Sensei Wu apologized to Misako and hugged her."Happy birthday."

"Don't worry, I'm glad they're here as long as there aren't big celebrations like Garmadon's birthday."Misako laughed and smiled.

~~~~~~

"Do you want to tell us why you didn't want a big celebration?" Cole asked curiously while they ate the cake.

"I just think I'm getting older," Misako tried to dodge the question.

"Oh come on, Misako." Nya insisted. "Now you've got us interested."

"Okay then." Misako sighed and put down her fork. "I was about your age when I celebrated my birthday with about eight people. Some of your parents were there too. Mostly we all relaxed and were full of sugar."

"Everyone is full of sugar on their birthday," Jay pointed out.

"Yes, but listen further." Misako continued in a serious tone. "Since there were no parents, we decided to go and party around.

We did all sorts of ridiculous things, like for example just calling around numbers and teasing them...

Some people even stole things we had on us and the police got involved."

"Oh my God." Nya exclaimed, speechless.

"Basically, we dealt with that for a while, and from then on, I got disgusted by birthdays..."

"You heard her, be careful what you do," Sensei Wu told the ninjas. "Even the smallest thoughtless joke can turn into a problem."

"But they are responsible," Misako smiled. "Especially with their powers."

"We are, and we will be," Lloyd said and hugged Misako again. "Happy birthday, mom, once again."

[iz-star]

LaDS random thoughts.

I've seen players saying that they can't see Zayne as a romantic interest cause he resembles or reminds them of their dads or older brothers that are involved in the medical field... Funnily enough, these players always tend to be Rafayel girlies in most cases, and I find it funny cause in my case is kinda like this but opposite places? Rafayel sometimes reminds me to my dad!

Like not only personality wise but also, my dad used to be quite the artist when I was a child. He was a musician and also painted, I remember seeing him paiting a whole ass scene of a guy holding a dying woman in his arms in one of the walls of our rooms, kinda like a greek sculpture style. I think to see him paiting was that inspired me as a kid to learn to draw, altho I have to admit that I've been quite inconsistent about it, especially cause these were always just hobbies and not something that we decided to take professionally; my two brothers dedicated themselves more to music, while I went to the art route just to pass time.

Anyway, the thing is that I've always had this thought in mind and my mom ended up confirming it lol. My family knows I play L&DS cause I have no shame and they hear me yap about it all the time (They don't even know the name of the game or how... Spicy it gets, however), and my mom knows how much I love Zayne, so one day I showed her the three guys (it was before Sylus debut) and asked her to rate their looks from 1 - 10; I showed her Zayne and she said "I give him 100!" (cause she knew he's my favorite ❤️), then I showed her Xavier and she said "80, he kinda looks childish" (he was wearing his hoodie tho, so I suppose for her he looked too young), then I showed her Rafayel and she said without a second thought "200! He looks cool!"

And I was like... "Really? He's your favorite?" She just shrugged her shoulders and said "He's the one I like how he looks like the most"

And listen, is not like Rafayel resembles to my dad physically... Maybe there are some slight similarities, especially with the hair (and I think that's kinda important lol) but I left it like that. After some time, the devs released the lastest outfits of the three guys (The outfits used for 4 stars cards and that were recently released with Sylus debut, I don't remember their names rn, sorry lol) I showed my mom their outfits because I was drooling for Zayne and asked her which one she liked the most. She said Zayne looked nice, Xavier looked like a prince but of course, she liked Rafayel the most, and I was surprised again and asked her if she was being serious, like the previous time, she didn't comment on Xavier but dismissed Zayne cause he looked like a "Mister or Sir" I don't know if these terms fit with what she meant to say tho, cause words in our native language are different, but what she meant to say is that he looked "Too old for her taste" and the way my jaw dropped... I literally told her "You're older than me! You should probably notice him more than me!" We laughed a lot.

At the end I told her that it was curious and funny how she always chose Rafayel cause out of all the guys, he's the one with the role of the artist; my mom laughed. It was probably his vibe, idk but it's clear for me that my mom has a type and if she were to play the game, she'd definitely be a Rafayel girlie ahaha.

To finish this story, unfortunately my parents divorced years ago, you know things irl are more complicated than games and even tho my dad shares some similarities with Rafayel, they're not exactly the same, they have a lot of differences too so It's not complicated for me to see Raf as someone different and not feel weird when I get cute messages from him, however, I think after this is easy to sense how unserious my parents are, no wonder why Zayne's seriousness got me wrapped around his finger since I first interacted with him xD

[hockybish]

i loved how you wrote Lola running away, i think you capture so well how someone in her situ would think! it ended with her leaving quinn and him seeing his mom messages, and i can iust picture him panicking and running after her and honestly i would love to see jack feeling quilty

thoughts?

thank you friend. that really means a lot.

read buggy, and this

Quinn for sure panics when he reads the messages. He quickly shot his mom a message that he would keep an eye out if she showed up at the house. He didn't want to ambush Lola in case she bolted.

Plus she was just going to the bathroom and she would be back any minute now and he would talk to her about what was going on before bringing her home.

While waiting for her, he noticed the package she brought with her. Curiosity got the better of him and he opened it. It was the old helmet and boa that he used to wear when they had tea parties.

Lola even included a picture of the both of the dressed up as Sir Quintin and Princess Clementine. Quinn smiled flipping it over and on back was written I'll miss you Sir Quintin.

It was then he realized that she was taking an abnormally long time.

"Clem?" Quinn knocked. "Lola come on, open up" He waited a few seconds for her to respond, satisfied he wasn't getting one, he opened the discovering she wasn't in there. "Fuck"

This is when he really starts panicking and runs outside. He must just missed her leaving. He didn't see her in the immediate vicinity, so he ran to the corner and spotted her bright green backpack.

Lola's heart rate rapidly increased when she felt someone's arms wrap tightly around her. Thinking of a way to defend herself, she found her head backwards, hitting the person in the face.

"Ow." Quinn scrunched his nose. still not letting go of her.

"Quinn, let me go" She protested

"No. You left. You can't do that Clem"

With the promise that he wouldn't call their mother and father right away, he was able to convince Lola to come back to the house with him.

~

"Mom we've searched everywhere. School, the good rink, the bad rink, multiple outdoor ones. We checked with a bunch of her friends but they haven't seen her, we even asked Cole, Trevor and Matt if they know where she is. And nada" Jack told his mother over the phone. "Can we come home now?"

"She has to be somewhere." Ellen mumbled "Why would she do this? I thought everything was fine. She never said anything was wrong." She didn't mean to unload on Jack like that. It was just the stress of the whole situation. She just wanted her baby girl home and safe.

That night laying in bed, trying to sleep Jack started thinking about everything that happened that day and Luke accusing him of doing something. He doesn't remember saying anything out of the ordinary to her. But if he did say something, it was a joke.

It always only a joke, why couldn't she see that? He didn't mean what he said.

I think I've mentioned it before but Jack does eventually feel guilty about the whole thing. But he never apologizes to Lola for making her feel the way she does until they're older and after she ran away for the second time. Again because of him.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA because I accidentally "liked" an acquaintance/friend of a friend on a dating app? And now I don't want to talk to him anymore based on the way he reacted?

(Sorry if this is overly complicated)

I (29M) had only met this guy (36M) - I'll call him Ben - once or twice. He's like a family friend of my best friend. He had just moved to the area and was struggling with his mental health, apparently. My friend's mom asked us to "treat him like family" which I had no problem with, because it seemed like we got along well. I was hoping we could become friends. Obviously nothing more because I barely knew him.

Next time I saw Ben, he was not as friendly as before. I thought he might have been ignoring me on purpose, but I often misinterpret things like that (I am autistic), so I put it out of my mind.

Then saw him a week or two later at a party. Sat next to him at a table, said hi and asked how he was doing, etc. He didn't even look at me. Gave me a very cold one-word answer and immediately got up and went to the other side of the room. Spent the whole party at least 20ft away from me, but seemed friendly enough with other people.

Afterwards I told my friend I felt like Ben didn't like me, and asked if he noticed me doing or saying anything offensive, and he had no idea, so again I just let it go. But a couple weeks later, Friend's Mom told him that there IS a reason for that behavior, and that's because I liked his profile on a dating app and "he doesn't feel the same way at all because he's gay and likes men".

This upset me for a lot of reasons - first off I am transmasculine and do consider myself a man even if it's a little complicated - but mainly because I didn't remember seeing him on any dating app. I also thought it was overkill to act that way towards someone just because they might be interested in you? If I thought someone wanted to date me, but didn't feel the same, I don't think I'd be mad at them?? I feel like his reaction was a little childish and dramatic.

Possible asshole behavior from me: on dating apps I tend to like every profile that isn't objectively terrible. Because I'm bad at judging how much I'll like a person based on a few pictures and a short bio. Sometimes I don't really pay attention and like every single one of them and unmatch the ones I decide I don't vibe with after a closer look (or messages exchanged). That's...probably why I don't remember. I was barely paying attention.

My friend told me he thinks it's an asshole move to like everyone before closely reading bios and thinking it through, and I guess I see his point. But on the other hand I feel like Ben was disproportionately rude - like I can't help but be slightly offended it's that terrible to imagine I might be interested. (And I am not btw. I never have been.)

I didn't have his number so I asked my friend to let him know I'm not actually interested & must have accidentally swiped. I'm told he apologized and said he was "going through stuff" but we never talked directly and I haven't seen him since. So it feels very much unresolved to me.

I told Friend's Mom I will not be attempting to befriend him anymore - I'll be civil of course, but I'm keeping more of a distance. Apparently she was upset by this, and originally didn't tell me OR my friend why he was acting like that towards me - because she thought I might not want to talk to him anymore, and she didn't want "friction".

I guess what I'm asking is AITA for 1) not paying close enough attention on dating apps, and/or 2) not letting it go & pretending nothing happened after I was told he apologized - therefore causing "friction" between everyone?

What are these acronyms?

[ilyokkgsmiabf]

I was kinda disappointed because in the anime they didn't show this part where Sougo saved Kagura from an attacker. But oh well!

Tell me if you agree with me! I am an OkiKagu shipper so please don't judge me!

Well I think they should be canon but the possibility of them being together is really low so I just hope maybe they liked each other or something but because they are both prideful and sadistic, they are keeping it a secret (but it's possibility is low too! huhuhu! *Crying* why are they not canon)

Fandom said that Sougo may have a crush on Kagura (you might feel that on the farewell Shinsengumi arc which Sougo saved Kagura) and I think it's true! Don't be mad 'kay! I'll explain!

1st motive is on the time skip arc,

Well, why did Sougo save Kagura, am I right? Sougo's not really a gentleman on girls, except his late sister, so if his not a gentleman in other girls, why save Kagura from Hijikata's attack, Kagura, I mean Kagura... Sougo Okita hated her guts remember?

2nd motive is on the feigned illness arc

Honestly I like this one, Kagura pretending to be sick and only Sougo knows it! He said "if their love for you is real, I'm sure they'll notice" !!! So does that mean Okita Sougo loves Kagura! Like he noticed that she's faking it, am I right?!?! You get what I mean?

3rd motive is on the shinigami arc

Okay, remember what Sougo said, he proposed right? But that proposal ended with "behind bars though" and that line was expected from him anyways but what I was wondering is why that joke? I mean yeah his sadistic but using that is like you know, thinking outside the box. Well I'm still thinking why, and let's leave it that way.

4th motive is on farewell shinsengumi arc

My fav arc, really!!! So I liked how Kagura cheered him up (even though she'd not admit it, we know you tried to do that) and when Sougo rescued her, I mean they're rivals right, so why save her? I know you need people but she's a yato, she'd survived that fall! Sougo even risked his own safety for her (throwing her up was kind of expected, he can never be that romantic) remember when Nobume tried to kill her, see Sougo's reaction, it's like he doesn't want Kagura to get hurt, I mean, I can't explain it, just so ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! And the last part really blows it uppp! I know they were paired but, Tae, Shinpachi and Kondou, Hijikata and Gin and those two, I think more likely Okita would visit Mitsuba's grave or Gin, his Danna, so why Kagura?!?! Is she really that special to him, damn their even smiling in the end, they really like fighting each other huh! And the way they said their goodbye message, uhhh, why they not become canonnnn!!

5th motive is on silver soul arc 2

Remember when Sougo told Kagura "I haven't felt this goosebumps in a long time", he also said to Kanna (Kagura), " I fought your mom like this all the time", Don't tell me he gets excited every time they fight, ne Sougo? Maybe, just maybe fighting Kagura is his highlight of the day, just maybe, I'm just assuming!

6th motive is on the switch soul arc (the arcs in rambles right!

When Katsura and Elizabeth are on Kagura and Sougo's body, the two (katsura in Kagura's body and Elizabeth in Sougo's body) kept clinging to each other, even calling names like, " Sou-kun". Kagura was really pissed off, but somehow, why is Sougo so calm and he didn't even bother to panic, shout or whatever like Kagura did.

.

.

.

That's all thank you!!!

[vad-hander]

LET’S KEEP IT SECRET Pt.4

pairing: Jaehyun x reader x Yuta

others: SM Rookies, multiple SM and JYP idols

genre: series | idol!au | smut | angst | fluff | slow burn | unrequited love | friends to lovers (oops) | mutual pining | teenage to adults | idol!nct, idol!reader, teenage to adults (trainee days until today)

words: 11k

side note: it's been a really long while, I hope you'll enjoy this one! p.s. good news at the end of chapter

as usual, I'll appreciate all your feedback and thoughts!

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4 | PART 5

-

You couldn't work out how did you wake up in your dorm room. The birthday plan was you and Jaehyun have your party at his place and if the two of you are lucky enough you’ll get back to life by noon the next day and return to dorms before outside gets dark again. 

You took a glance at your phone - the lock screen showed you barely any notifications. No messages from Yuta, not a single one from Jaehyun. You took a glance at Koeun's name on the lower part of the screen, preview letting you see it was just a meme. Your head hurt because of the drinks you had, your body hurt from what you and Yuta did and your heart hurt from what happened between you and your boyfriend and your best friend. You could still very clearly remember Jaehyun’s face when you told him you were leaving, you’re not even sure he heard what you said about Yuta, with the way his eyes became all teary when you told him you were leaving. You were sure your head mostly hurt thanks to the drama you underwent in the little amount of12 hours, including your mom’s history lesson. You wanted to get lost in the sheets, never get up and disappear completely. Somehow you remembered every bit of that - but not how you were able to leave Jaehyun on your own. At least, you were safe on the girls floor, that you knew for sure. 

You never experienced a hungover before and if people suffered so much after they had a couple of drinks you really were doubting human sanity. You moved slowly against the wall, leaning onto it for support like you starved in the woods for weeks. The water dispenser at the counter was your guiding star and the only reason you were moving your feet a little quicker than a tortoise. Reaching for the cup in a cabinet above it, you didn't bother to wait for a full cup of water, gulping on the much needed water. You refilled it like fifteen times because every time there was not more than 3 gulps of water.

"You're okay, right?" you jumped slightly in place at the voice right behind you, spilling the water over your sleeping shirt. 

"Ning?" You turned around “You’re moving around like a ghost." 

"I was here before you crawled out like a cave woman. On the couch." the girl smiled at you not being able to keep her eyes off you. You were dreading the moment you had to look in the mirror and your friends eyes for sure made you wonder even more about your current mirror reflection. "I'm surprised you're up and alive."

"Huh? Why?" You asked confused. "I can't remember anything, if I'm being honest."

"I guessed." she swallowed a giggle and pursed her lips to try and look normal. 

"What is up with your mysterious face expression?" you smiled at her confused. Did you embarrass yourself more past night? You'd prefer not to know but maybe you needed to just in case, there’s only so much shame one person can carry- "Will you not tell me?"

"I will." she laughed. "Do you by any chance remember calling Koeun?" your head gave Ning a negative answer "Koeun's phone rang at half 5 in the morning in our room. A very loud ringing, mind you. We got up because of her phone and it turned out it’s you who called her. You cried into the phone how you're messy and a problem and Koeun panicked immediately. I took the phone out of her hand to work out what was happening. I figured you were dead drunk. We tried to ask you where you were but you kept on saying you were in hell and that was the right place for you to be." NingNing spoke quickly, making it hard for you to distinguish certain words with a little accent she still had. 

"Jesus." you gulped embarrassed, this definitely was one epic way to end your SM training. 

"I almost thought you were pranking us but Koeun said you were supposed to be with Jaehyun in the evening and something must've happened to you two. I had to calm down both you on the phone and Koeun in the room. I really tried to understand your whereabouts but you were blabbering some nonsense and half of what you were saying were words I don’t understand. Koeun was literally one step away from calling the manager when a car outside honked. I heard the same sound on your side so I figured you were near the dorms. We ran out of the building and you were half laying on the sidewalk, your feet stretched out on the road. I guess the car almost drove over you that's why they honked. Anyway, we tried to pull you into the building, but that's another long story to tell."

"What? Why?" You were indeed in hell. 

"You were protesting to get on your 2 feet, you wanted to crawl, were asking us to do the same and then you started crying, like full on shedding tears. You said it was because you missed your dad and you were so happy to see Koeun. Then you started screaming at us to call Yuta." You gulped at the mention of his name. 

"Did you? Did you call him?" You tried not act like somehow the mention of your maybe ex-lover was the only part in that story you sincerely cared for.

"No, it was 5 in the morning, how do you imagine me calling him at this time." She paused to let you process her answer. NingNing always was the most mature one, every step of the way, despite the commonly bubbly personality. “What I really don't get is how you got home in one piece in that state. That's real luck right here." Ning sighed, before getting curious. "Where did you get so shit faced? With Jaehyun?"

"Have you seen Jaehyun?" If he weren't with you it was just weird how he vanished into thin air. You could obviously remember telling him you loved Yuta. You could clearly remember bursting into tears afterwards and you remember pouring more drinks for yourself while Jaehyun was processing your words, sat down on the floor. The rest though, you could not work out how Jaehyun allowed you to leave in that state. 

"No, you were alone."

"I gotta go find him." You hugged the cup to your chest, walking away. "I'm so sorry, for the night and thank you so much, you and Koeun. I'll find Koeun later. I hope you're okay with me asking you to not tell anybody about this embarrassing situation.“ 

"Yeah" the girl chuckled "No problem."

“Appreciate it.“ You smiled awkwardly and took off. 

You sprinted back into your room in a much more lively manner than you expected yourself to have. Entering the room first thing you did is reaching out to your phone to dial Jaehyun - he hung up on you after a single ring. Was he asleep, sick or just busy? It was the first time in your friendship he didn't pick up a call, you immediately opened the chat with him. 

[14:34] to Jaehyun: call me back pllsss

[14:34] to Jaehyun: where are you? 

[14:35] to Jaehyun: i can't remember shit and i'm at the dorm 

Even though the call was immediately declined Jaehyun did not read your message. Not 1 or 2 or 5 minutes later. You gulped and thought that he maybe is not feeling well too, maybe he's at the dorm by now and dying in his bed. 

You wanted to see him and more specifically you wanted to know that the two of you were good, just in case. You still didn’t know what was his reaction to you and Yuta, you couldn’t remember shit of what he possibly said or did. You jumped into the shower to wash up your hair and body. Scrub away yet the worst birthday you had in all your life, and oh boy did you have a whole darn book of terrible birthdays. 

Fresh out the shower with a water bottle in hands you transferred yourself to the boys floor. 

You doubted whether you should knock or open the door with the code both Yuta and Jaehyun told you. You opted for knocking, hearing too many stories prior  of the boys walking around almost naked. As your knuckles made three rhythmical bangs on the surface, you tried to hear what was happening behind that door. The room seemed silent, maybe, they were all out, maybe you should type in that code. You knocked once again, when the lock made a sound and the handle turned and you saw it finally open. 

"I-" you started to explain yourself, that you needed to see Jaehyun and you're very much sorry to whoever it was at the door but stopped yourself after the first sound. Of all people on the floor it had to be Yuta. He worked out your presence around the same time, dropping the door handle and immediately walking away. Your first instinct was to follow behind and you did so, noticing how when the door to his room opened his roommate was sitting on the bed and you stopped. You didn't find it in you to walk in and interrupt. Mainly because you didn't have time to prepare a single thing to tell him. 

You knocked on a door once again, when you knew for sure it was to Jaehyun’s room. 

"Jaehyun?" you murmured into the door. "Are you here?" The dorm was surprisingly dead tonight, you could hear silence behind the door, same for the rest of the area surrounding it. Total emptiness and quietness scared you a little, like everyone disappeared because something happen. Did something happen to Jaehyun? The thought sent chills down your spine and you gripped onto the bottle like it was your anchor. You stood under the door a little longer, ready to fall on the floor as fear, tiredness and hungover fought through your body. "Guess you're not here, right? I hope you're okay and home, then." You sighed and still didn't move. Dialling his phone once more only to end up with the same lack of answer.  

Yuta appeared in the hall once again and your head turned in that direction, still pressing your forehead against Jaehyun’s door. 

"No one's in there." he said coldly as his eyes briefly looked at you. 

"Did he come home yesterday?"

"I'm not his secretary." you gave him a nod, he was right. It was painful to hear him talk to you in that tone though. You swallowed to not cry and paced away back to the exit. 

“Even if you aren’t, maybe you heard anything from him? I can’t reach him, I can’t remember how I left him and if he’s okay.“ You pleaded one last time. You couldn’t go on with your life like it was okay when your best friend was possibly missing. 

“I. Don’t. Know.“ Yuta grumbled annoyed. Did he not understand you were worried for his friends well being? Did he not care? 

“Fine.“ You sighed in return and turned on your heels to leave. ”Actually, no. Can I say a little something, before I leave?” you mustered some courage, purposefully vaguely defining leaving, because both leaving the floor and the dorm and company were more than relevant for your situation. 

”Whatever.” Yuta snorted and opened the fridge. Good, him hiding behind that fridge made it easier for you to speak your truth. 

”If you want to break up with me, then fine, I’ll accept that, you don’t have to worry. Just go ahead and do it now, in my face, while we still have the chance to see each other like that. I’ll be the one to say last words, though, since you’re acting like that. Maybe-, no. I was wrong for not sharing the news earlier, you have every right to be mad at me for this, I accept I was stupid for not saying I’m going to train under a different company now, but you know what? You will not make me feel ashamed for wanting to have a future. You will never understand, because you weren’t in the same situation, you can't possibly understand how it feels to not get into the final line up for the group you trained so hard for. You cannot blame me for taking the opportunity I was given. I am not sorry for that, I am not going to beg for forgiveness because of my decision. I will only say sorry for keeping it a secret for too long. I couldn’t find the right time to tell you, and you all always either away or very busy and every time I thought I had a chance to share it would always be irrelevant to the context. Because I couldn’t reply at your words with hey, by the way I’m leaving. I shouldn’t have delayed the announcement to all of you. And…” you wiped the tear off your cheek. ”And you’re a total fool! Because you were saying all those things about fighting and working on our relationship and the moment you get the chance to prove that you are ready to fight through hardships you run away! Like a real fool! But you know what, I don’t regret anything. I really don’t. Want to know why? Because we would’ve broken up anyway once you debuted, once you moved out as a member of that group! You wouldn’t try to fight then either, but it would be YOU to blame! You!” You ended up with an accusation, you didn’t plan to tell him that. But it only felt right - the conclusion came to you the very right moment you were saying it. What would be the difference? He’d still let go of you, if he acts like this now. It’s only better to end it earlier, before you get too deep and hurt too much. Like It weren’t too late by now. You tried hard not to think of your intimacy yesterday, it would literally make you bawl your eyes out.

”Will you shut up for a second?” Yuta sighed tiredly. 

”What?”you expected an answer - you didn’t expect him to be so unhinged. 

“I wasn’t trying to break up with you. I just need time, okay?“ He peeked from behind the fridge. Not a single muscle on his face unveiled to you what he was feeling. You couldn’t understand if you should feel relieved with his answer, for some reason it didn’t make you feel anything. “You can go and continue with your dream, I’ll let you know when I’m through with the fact you won’t be around much.“ 

“Yuta-.“ You sighed. While he was trying to process the news he was wasting your precious time to spend together. You still didn’t know what your schedule would be like at your new agency. You didn’t even know who you’d live with, who you’d train with. It was all so nerve-racking and you needed someone’s support, you needed Yuta’s support and he wasn’t able to give you that. You felt hurt, too. 

“No, Jaehyun didn’t come back here. He’s probably at home. You can go.“ he stared right at you and you nodded, turning back to the door.

“I’m leaving tomorrow. By midday my dad will come help to move everything to the other place. If you want to, you can come see me any time before that. I’ll be in my room packing.“ you paused before the door, expecting at least a sigh so you’d know he was considering, but Yuta kept the silence painfully loud.

-

[15:43] To Jaehyun:  why is the line dead on your side?

[15:46] To Jaehyun:  are you okay?

[15:52] To Jaehyun: I’m worried 

[16:01] To Jaehyun: I consider calling your parents if you won’t reply

You dropped more messages to Jaehyun as he was missing, still. It felt horrible, you couldn’t stop worrying if his silence is him giving you a cold shoulder, silent treatment and everything he could do to show you he didn’t want to deal with you anymore. You never imagined the downfall of your relationship before because it seemed like it could never happen, but here you were, experiencing very much that. You couldn’t pack, you were overanalysing and overthinking and mostly hyperventilating, making it hard for you to focus on packing. No matter how hard you tried to remember what the two of you were doing after your confession - you couldn’t. You couldn’t even remember if Jaehyun agreed to revel his part of the secret to you. Yesterday you had a boyfriend and a best friend and today you were left with nothing and you didn’t even leave the company yet, you had very real doubts now if the decision you made was right. Did you make the right choice? What if it was better for you to stay at the company - in the comfort of people you loved, continue working to reach your dream within your current company. You suddenly remembered Jaehyun’s words, when he tried to cheer you up. What if they’re planning to make a BoA of our generation out of you? What if they were and you blew it out the window now? You were ready to shed tears, sitting in the middle of your room with the suitcase half still half empty. Thankfully, you were interrupted, your phone rang and without a look you knew who it was. One single calm breath on the other side of the call and a flower inside your chest bloomed.

“You scared me so badly.“ you half-whispered into the phone.

“I-, ugh, I’m just sleeping at home. I’m sorry, I didn’t see.“ Jaehyun’s voice sounded funny. Like a morning voice mixed with a sore throat and something else you couldn’t describe. 

“You’re all good?“ You had to hear it  from him ,that he was completely fine. 

“Yes, just sleeping.“ Jaehyun seemed off. Did he seem off to you because you felt off or because there was something wrong between you two too, but he was kind enough to call to calm you down. Would it be okay if you’d ask him straight or should you give him space and time to come up with explanation of his own?

“If you’re not asking me why I’m not right next to you, I guess you know when and how I left?“ Your patience was wearing out, you had to ask him straight.

“I do.“ Well its good to know, you almost said out loud. 

“Can you enlighten be please? Girls found me next to the dorm alone, dead drunk and I can’t remember anything at all.“ 

“Ugh, you just wanted to go back to your bed.“ Jaehyun cleared his throat, but it didn’t make him sound any better than before. “And I couldn’t stop you, so you got in a taxi and left.“ It’s not really the explanation you were expecting. You didn’t know what you expected either, but whatever it was, it felt a little not it. 

“Did we fight? You sound upset. I’m so sorry if I said or did something wrong.“ You murmured apologetically into the phone. “I can’t remember shit but I love you.“

“How much do you not remember?“ He was curious now and sounded more lively.

“Like when I told you…ugh.“ It felt so fucking awkward to say it out loud now, when things felt so differently. “When I told you about the company and about Yu-Yuta.“ You stuttered for no reason. It felt new to talk about Yuta in such way to anyone, but moreover it felt sickening because you couldn’t work out how could it change to this uncertainty so quickly. “When I poured myself more after that, I blanked out. I don’t even remember if you repeated what was your secret.“ 

“Well you remember pretty much all the important parts.“ Jaehyun’s words sounded like his mouth was tucked into the pillow. 

“I don’t remember what you think of all this and that’s the most important part.“ you stated angsty. “Your secret is obviously the most important, my nosy self really wants to remember what you told me yesterday.“ You chuckled, in case it would make him feel better.

“Well…“ Jaehyun’s breath hitched and he didn’t need to use words to let you know he was upset with your departure. “I am going to miss you terribly. So frea-, so fucking much.“ he found it important to slip in the profanity. No word could ever describe what he felt inside. 

“You know my new dorm is not far from this one.“ you tried to hold on to the string of positivity that held you from breaking down.

“Even if it would be in the building next to this, everything is going to change.“ his voice didn’t reflect anything but regret and pain. You felt a hot tear roll down your cheek, you were just so upset with the way it hurt him, you didn’t want Jaehyun to hurt. “I’m scared of those changes.“ He admitted vulnerably in a whisper.

“I’m so sorry.“ You sobbed.

“What? No-, don’t cry. Everything’s for the best, don’t cry, please, I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me, since you don’t remember anything I had to tell you yesterday. It doesn’t mean I’m not proud of you. I’m so happy for you if this is what’s going to bring you to your dream.“ He really put in effort to change the manner of the way he spoke and his cheeriness only made you sicker. 

“I will miss you too. More than anyone.“ the line went quiet. You could hear his steady heavy breaths and Jaehyun could probably hear your little sniffs. You really tried to calm down, but now you couldn’t, not before you’ll get a chance to hug him. “When are you coming back home?“ You asked knowing way too well that Jaehyun never felt that way about the dorm when all it took for him to get back home a short ride on the bus. 

“Ugh, I need to get up first, and then clean the house and when I’m done with all that I’m having dinner with my parents and only then I’ll get back.“ It sounded like he read his chores off to do list. 

“Do you want me to come help clean?“  You had to ask, you never had the intention to leave him one on one with the mess.

“No, it’s fine.“ Of course he protested.

“I feel horrible, I made you upset and now won’t even help to clean up the mess mostly I made.“ Your fingers caught still falling teardrops that burned the skin of your cheeks. You felt like a giant bubble of nerves that was about to burst. 

“It’s fine, it was your birthday, you’re still allowed to be the princess the next day. I’ll message you once I’m back at the dorm. If you’re not with Yuta for the rest of your time with us, I’ll be glad to see you.“ You wanted to protest at his silly comment but the sound died somewhere in your throat on the second syllable. Before you could master up courage to say anything else Jaehyun hung up on you.

-

Your eyes ran once again over the walls and the ceiling of the room you got used to calling your home. Now that your weak attempt at mood board sort of display above your bed was packed in one of the boxes, the room looked very depressing. Just white walls, all furniture pieces opened wide to make sure nothing was left behind. Koeun weeped behind you and you quickly got yourself together, turning to see the girl.

“It’s fine.“ your attempt at calming her down was so weak it made you feel pathetic and on the verge of crying too. You didn’t want to bawl your eyes out, you had less than 2 hours before meeting your new family, you had to keep yourself together and be presentable for the sake of good first impression. You were thinking like your mom because her nagging was finally suitable for the situation.

“I will really miss you.“ Lami mumbled shyly, tucking her face in your chest as you pulled her in a hug. Koeun reached for you too and now you had two girls crying their eyes out into your body. It was almost impossible for you not to join them.

“I’m here! I’m here!“ Your mood for tears was ruined by Ningning, who by the sound of the main door locking, just got back to the dorm. “I’m here, I made it in time!“ She announced happily, but stopped dead on her tracks confused a moment later. “Oh god, what is this? Ugly crier competition?“ she giggled and pouted straight after. “Y’all stop crying I have practice today, I can’t cry!“ She whined, sinking in the mood completely. 

“Then don’t cry.“ You laughed and sniffled, trying to get rid of incoming tears. 

“I am not.“ Ningning reached for your hugging group, her head resting against Lami’s nape. “We prepared a little gift for you. Just a little something to remember us by. Some boys took part in this but I couldn’t find them, so we’ll just gift our gift on behalf of everyone.“

“You all really didn’t have to.“ you protested, trying to see what Ning referred to. 

“Sh, you didn’t even see yet what it is.“ The girl waved you off. 

“Okay.“ you gave in and girls let go of you, allowing for Ning to reach a small gift bag your way. You quickly took it from here, looking inside. Your fingers ran over the object that somewhat felt like a book, so you fished it out of the bag curious and confused. 

“It’s a photo album of our memories together.“ Ning commented. “Guys helped to arranged things appropriately for your entire time-being here, before I arrived too.“ 

“Since day one.“ Koeun nodded, all 3 sets of eyes staring at you expectantly, while you couldn’t move. Your fingers froze over the photo that was glued onto the cover of the photo album. Your first group photo with all your fellow trainees. Many people in that photo already left the company, some were real idols by now and part of your friend group weren’t even training back when that photo was taken. Your eyes could only focus on you and Jaehyun standing right next to each other, both with faces full of ambition and hope, just happy to finally be one step closer to your dream. Back then you would’ve never guessed how badly it’d hurt you, moving on and leaving him here. Back then you would’ve never guessed that you could have a bond like that with someone. But back then you would’ve also never guessed that you’ll be cut you from the final line up and you would’ve definitely never guessed you’d feel so heart-broken and left out. 

“Oh my god.“ Ningning sobbed, as her eyes trailed down the wet stain on your cheek. “I’m crying now too, and you didn’t even see our gift properly. There’s more in the bag.“

“Am I going to make you upset, if I’ll look at everything later? I can’t cry right now.“ Your fingers reached to catch the teardrops.

“Sure, yes.“ Girls nodded in reassurance.

“Thank you, say thank you to everyone. I-, thanks to you I have a family. And it’s not like we won’t talk to each other after this! I just have a feeling we’ll be able to see each other all the time. Imagine, like, having waiting rooms next to each other at music shows?“ Koeun nodded, wiping her tears away. You wanted to add that having rooms next to each other wouldn’t compare to sharing one room and going on stage together, but you really didn’t want to make people cry any harder and you stopped right there. “My dad is in the car outside, I think I should go.“ besides it really being your call to leave, your dad really was in the car with all your stuff packed. 

“Right.“ They stood in a line, freeing the space for you to go. 

“Bye-bye!“ You gave them an awkward wave. “I will miss you.“

“We will miss you too.“ They waved back and you left the dorm, pausing right behind the door to take a couple of breaths. Your eyes glued to the stairs, three flights and you’ll be in front of the boys’ door. But should you? You couldn’t decide whether or not you should go and force them see you when they so obviously decided not to do so. 

Jaehyun didn’t come see you upon his return to the dorm yesterday. You weren’t sure what time he got back, but you send him a message, telling him what time you’re leaving just in case he did want to say goodbye. He was your best friend, he should want to see you, you thought. You waited and waited, but Jaehyun neither replied or come. You didn’t even have a single string of hope alive Yuta would show up, you just convinced yourself Jaehyun would be enough and now even your best friend seemed to not find it important enough to be with you. You swallowed and called for the elevator. Well, it’s not on you, if they didn’t want to come say bye - its on them, you literally send both of them an RSVP. 

You walked slowly towards the glass door that would take you outside and forever out of this building. The moment you step out - there’s no coming back, you understood it and that’s exactly why you were dragging your feet so slowly. It would make the transfer so real, it would crash it onto the realms of your very current reality with no time to get used to it. No time to adjust to the idea of not having people in this building as your family, One step further - and there’s no coming back. You could rationalise with yourself, leaving company didn’t imply you have to lose all connection with your friends, it didn’t mean you couldn’t come over for hanging out, it’s not like their phones won’t answer your calls, but it felt like both Yuta and Jaehyun put a dot on your relationships themselves. The door finally was right before your eyes, you reached for the handle and froze. That very last string you were holding on to, pulled you back. Your head snapped back to the elevators in a forceful motion, making a cracking sound with how much hope you had in that ding. Maybe you left something in your room and girls needed you to come back to pick it up? But it was even better.

Jaehyun called your name once again, walking out the elevator, when you didn’t give him any reaction in response, Yuta trailing right behind him. While your best friend stared at you affectionally, the boy behind him stared down on his shoes, tongue against his cheek. 

Your mouth opened and closed multiple times, Jaehyun taking a few steps towards you, shortening the distance between you two to an arm’s length, your eyes quickly snapping to Yuta, that stayed next to the elevator like he didn’t want to be here. Or maybe just gave you and Jaehyun space to not eavesdrop?

“Girls said you already left. I was so scared we missed you.“ Jaehyun whispered, you could barely hear him at the distance, but you could very clearly feel the aftershocks in his voice. “I figured you would want to see Yuta before leaving.“ he added on a brighter note, gesturing at Yuta behind him. Your heart hurt even worse than before. You ran up to Jaehyun and squeezed him in your hands “I love you“ you whispered into his chest. How did he always find ways to make you feel better when you felt like it rolled down to hell? 

“I already miss you. Please never stop being my best friend. Promise?“ Jaehyun whispered into your hair, his palm rubbing your back in calming motion.

“I won’t. Ever. I love you.“ You were sobbing again but with Jaehyun’s warmth against your body you had no chance to hold back or to stop. He was the closest thing to home, when the real one was far away and felt like shit. He was your first friend here, he was your very best friend in the whole wide world and maybe from time to time both of you had very real attachment issues when it came to one another, you loved him dearly. It wouldn’t be the same, you will miss frivolously coming downstairs to spend your time with him, late night walks around the dorm, lunches at the company and coffee afterwards. There were so many things that will not be impossible from now on, they would just be so difficult its painful for you to think of it.

“Love you.“ He whispered back and moved your head away to take a look at your face. It’s like he was trying to remember every feature on it, every crinkle and wrinkle, like he won’t ever see you again. “Okay, I’m going to go back to practice. We ran away from practice just to say goodbye. Will give you two some private time.“ He smiled and let go of you. You couldn’t just watch him walk away like that, you squeezed his fingers in your hold and Jaehyun turned around to see you once more. “You’ll be fine. You’re only the most talented and beautiful girl I have ever met. You have nothing to worry about there. I’m just one call away.“ Jaehyun rubbed your knuckles with his thumb, forcing your hold off his hand, pacing quickly to exit. 

“I-.“ Both you and Yuta started talking the moment the door closed behind Jaehyun. Yuta paused and you were thankful. You didn’t know how long would your dad sit in his car and wait, he could possibly walk in on you two any minute. Yuta quickly shortened the distance between you two, in that cherry chilled way with a little sway to his hips. 

“I love you, Yuta. Nothing changed for me. I don’t know how I’ll continue without you right beside me. We were just fine 2 days ago, in my room here and at home, and now I can’t even call you , because I fear being refused. I-“ You took steps closer to the boy, hooking your fingers above his elbows. Yuta’s fingers, surprisingly, caressed your cheek, asking for your eyes to move up and meet his. As you did so, Yuta laid his lips atop yours, gently kissing your mouth like you were in the comfort of either of your rooms, his fingers carefully taping the skin at the base of your neck. You kissed him back with abandon, you were trying to tell him you cared for him, loved him, that you were sad and scared and confused about everything, but your love for him. He pulled back, his fingers spreading over the base of your neck.

“Go there and make me proud.“ he whispered against your cheek. You took a peek in his eyes, he didn’t really need a reply, it was a call to action, not call to conversation. It was very much a dot in the interaction you were having. You just gave him a nod and turned around without a goodbye, your eyes focusing on the reflection in the glass door. Yuta teased the ring on his necklace. 

-

“Can you take your mask off?“ Jaehyun lowered the tone of his voice. His fingers pressing the tissue laying on the table mere centimetres from yours. You just shook your head no and continued to look at him from under your hat. “Why? I haven’t seen you in so long.“ he pleaded and his fingers finally closed off the awkward distance to yours, fidgeting them in his hold, before you hid your hand back under the table.

“You know the answer.“ you mumbled apologetically. You didn’t want to flip out that card on him again. You’ve told the same thing to him so many times you were lost yourself if it was reality or an excuse or a mixture of both and you were going literally insane. 

“I don’t, really. I just want to see my best friend’s face. We haven’t seen each other in three months. You didn’t even come to celebrate my debut.“

“I couldn’t, I wasn’t allowed to skip practice. I told you, things are much stricter here, than what we used to have. We celebrated your actual first debut with NCT U, it counts.“ You tried to give him a smile, that was completely hidden under the mask, and remind him that back in April you were still at the company with him.  

“Anyway, it doesn’t give you any reason to hide from me.“ Jaehyun tried to fight you, it seemed, before a thought flew through his brain, you could see the way thought process worked in his head. “Did they do something to your face? Like a surgery?“ He tried to peak more properly at the skin that he was allowed to see. No, they didn’t do anything to you, the mask was your shield from true emotion. 

“No, I’m not under SM anymore. JYP doesn’t really do that thing, they scout pretty people.“ You said and then realised what it sounded like. 

“Is everything okay? You seem tense.“ Jaehyun wouldn’t back down and you were glad the mask was set firmly over your face and the hat made it almost impossible to see your eyes. If he’d press a little longer he’d see you fall apart in front of him. He’d see your built up confidence faint in a puff. He’d have to hear you sob at how much you miss him, and the girls and all your friends at the dorms. Having him bring you things as a surprise every time he saw you, walking back home in those large groups of sweaty and messy teenagers, listening to wild things everyone were doing at their first schedules. You even caught yourself thinking sometimes that you might’ve missed the staffs that worked with you and that specific taste of the water that was in every practice room, the SM water that you joked so much with your friends about. At the end of the day you just missed Yuta, if you were brave enough you would’ve put him at the top of those things you missed, but you couldn’t even start thinking of him. You were going to throw up right then and there. 

“It is. I told you before, my company have all those girl trainees and is planning to run everyone through different contest shows to decide on their future girl group shortlist. I’m not participating in those.“ You started slowly out of shyness, Jaehyun though, bless his heart, formed a shocked o with his mouth and almost jumped in fear in his chair. “It’s only because they are sure about me. They know they want me to debut, they’re certain with that decision.“ Those SM roots is what can really help you be the backbone of a group, be the centre of it. That’s not your bragging, that’s literal words of heads of some departments in your new company. In the past months you had to undergo a whole lot of evaluations and most of them included JY Park, making you flabbergasted every time. Many of those evaluations went with huffing and puffing of all the attendees at how they missed out on you back when you came for audition earlier in the year you joined SM. They said many encouraging things, the type of praise that could get to your head, except for SME made sure you weren’t affected by those things ever in your life again. You were just feeling more stressed and concerned and found it hard to even sleep recently. You were so afraid they’d snatch that away from you and you had to cut everyone out of your life. Everyone included Jaehyun, who couldn’t stop blowing your phone up and you… well, you replied when it felt so fucking painful to not even read what he had to say, you were finding your fingers shake badly while typing. And the only thing that brought you into this awkwardness with the closest human being you had in the entire world was fear, that everything you dreamt of can be snatched from you if you’ll trip over your own legs. Trip metaphorically, of course. And despite the boy in front of you could never in his life bring any hurt to you, he’s a full on idol now and being around him is already considered taking a very bumpy road asking for that trip. “I’m their secret trainee. No photos, no videos, not even a single glance should be taken of me. It’s especially hard since I was an announced rookie before in SM. No one knows I transferred. After that post by SM most people assumed I quit to personal reasons or whatever. I-I can’t be seen with you, I can’t be seen in general and taking my mask off is literally asking for photos. You’re famous, Jaehyun, we can’t be just sitting here and hold hands like we’re two babies that finally reunited.“ Even though you were very much that, you couldn’t act on your wishes. And you had to really hold back because the moment he walked in this Paris Baguette all you wanted to do is hug him tightly and force his cap off his head and tease him about his hair. You were sure his sides by now grew back out but you just wanted to see it for yourself. You wanted to tease him about every performance from their debut era because yes, even though it was radio silence from you throughout that period you couldn’t physically hold back from monitoring how your friends did. In comparison to that girl group it didn’t make you feel nauseous to watch that. You wanted to ask him how he felt and if it felt different from the 7th sense promo, what was the experience like to be in a fixed unit? Was he so beyond the moon happy? You wanted to ask him so many things and tell him even more. You wanted to hold the tips of his fingers to reconnect with him on every possible level. You wanted to know so much, you couldn’t know any of it.

“Ugh, okay.“ Jaehyun hid his hand under the table as well. You stared at the twisted donut that was still untouched by either of you. The cafe was pretty empty for the morning hour, despite two other tables’ occupied by people that seemed to have an early lunch break. You could’ve taken all your armour off, but it would’ve still be a risk. And you had all this built up tension in your system from all the pressure your current situation was giving you. 

Yes, you were given the honorary title of secret trainee, you tried to carry this title with care, not because it made you proud beyond imagination - because it brought so much pressure you were anxious at all times. Even JY Park himself called you the treasure they were able to steal from SM and they wanted to treat you well, turn you into the greatest artist of your generation. But at the same time it meant being treated the strictest. While rules applied to everyone, you were watched double strictly to follow them. Going outside - only under the strictest watch of your assigned manager, who thankfully was the sweetest woman not even 10 years older than you were. You really didn’t want to go in detail how you were supposed to me at your parents house now - not hanging out with Jaehyun somewhere near central Seoul. Your manager followed the rules thoroughly, but she somehow still found it in her to be sweet and understanding to everyone, in comparison to that woman at SM that somehow still haunted you in your dreams. 

Your phone now was more of an accessory, than a device to connect with the outer world. You followed a very strict policy of no phones allowed in the practice room and you had to follow an even stricter rule of no phones allowed during academic studies, when there was no such rule in SOPA (you studied there for 4 previous years, you knew that for sure and you could see your literal classmates with their phones). And while you did go to school when you were under SM, no one cared much for it - everyone would anyway successfully graduate the school, but here, they checked on your academic score and took you everyday to school, taking care of it in equal measure to your dancing and singing skills. It was not one or two classes but a full day of academic studies filled with weird stares from other kids - everyone knew who you were, if not from their own research - other kids at school enlightened them and since the very last thing about you on the internet was your departure announcement everyone at school made weird assumptions. From you having bad skills to braking the strictest rules or being pregnant or many other weird things and sometimes even everything combined. Mostly they were wondering why the hell would you stay at SOPA if you weren’t pursuing career in art. At first kids tried to befriend you but your interactions would always end up with questions about your training years and if you knew EXO, if you ever talked to Shinee’s Taemin and so many other things regarding artist at your previous agency you had to avoid everyone at the end of the day. You couldn’t work out how all those undoubtedly talented and clearly reach kids were so weirded out by celebrities and had to make everything about it. You were so envious of Jaehyun who graduated school this year and didn’t have to go through all this. "Does all this mean you’ll debut soon?" Jaehyun sounded careful, with previous experiences he didn’t want to trigger your anxiety for no reason. He obviously could sense you didn’t say anything in that key for a reason.  

"Ugh, no." you quickly let him know it was nothing like that.

"Any certainty about it?" It felt like he was trying to ask you if it made anything certain for you with the transfer. If it made any sense for you as an artist to move companies and lose everything you previously earned. He probably didn’t even mean that, but you were eating on yourself and reading through meanings in his words that weren’t there.

"No, they just debuted a group of girls. Not happening soon." You were really fine with it, if Jaehyun could’ve seen your face, he would’ve told you were fine. You had that information when you signed the transfer papers. 

"Are you upset?" Jaehyun’s body loomed above the table, closer to you. “It’s the only reason you transferred and they’re making you wait again.“

“No.“ You said fiercely and then realised who you were talking to and absence of any reason to lie to him. “I am, but they’re taking everything so seriously. Weirdly I trust them, because they’re not saying things like ‘we’re not planning on debuting anyone in upcoming years because there’s a change of plans’. They’re saying they want a group that revolves around me an even though that’s crazy scary, I’m trying to live in that bubble and hope it won’t just burst one day.“

“It won’t.“ Jaehyun reassured you in his usual sweet manner. 

“We both know now literally anything happens in this world.“ You shrugged.

“No, you will debut, I know it.“ 

“Jaehyun.“ You rolled your eyes at him in that nagging manner that almost felt foreign now to your lips. Only now did you realise you were going to lose him if you kept yourself closed off any longer. Even Jaehyun has a limit to his sweetness and care. You couldn’t ignore how good it felt to say his name out loud, how lively you felt when he smiled at you reassuringly. “If you’re going to get all these things in my head and they won’t work out, you’ll have to get my mental health back to normal yourself.“ You chuckled.

“I know there won’t be no need in that, because you’ll debut, but in case you’ll ever need that - I’ll gladly do it.“ he gave you a nod, it didn’t take even a split second for him to process your words and agree. “I’ll always be by your side, just let me be with you. I’ll help you out of anything, promise.“ his gaze burned the twisted donut on the table, if he’d stare any more fiercely than that, you were sure he’d burn holes in it. His ears turned the brightest shade of pink as he lifted his gaze at you and quickly stared back down at the donut as he saw you look back at him. Without a second thought you returned your hand on the table, palm up and close enough to his side of the table so he’d get the intention. He didn’t need a second invitation, he simply closed your palm with his and smiled. You squeezed the tips of his fingers and it felt so fucking good to just be with him. 

“Thank you.“ You meant it with all of your heart. “I love you. As much as I did when I was leaving. I’m so sorry.“ you were clutching onto him with force now, Jaehyun returning the action. You didn’t spare a glance at each other, just holding onto your fingers and staring at the untouched food in front of you. No conversation happened between you two, just quiet comfort, you almost could make yourself believe everything returned to what it used to be. Him and you against the whole world. You didn’t want to break that comfort and Jaehyun’s fingers quietly stroked yours now, you could feel his leg lightly tap under the table to the playing song in the background. 

Thankfully, his fingers were gripping your left hand and you were free to take the untouched fork and pick up a cut up piece and bring it to your face. You felt a little embarrassed as your realised you forgot about the mask on your face, having to put the fork back down, take the mask off your face and finally get the sugary dough into your mouth. You chewed and stared out the window, watching people starting to come in in bigger masses for their lunch break. Your attention was drawn back to your connected fingers when Jaehyun suddenly felt too hot above your hand to handle. You wanted to make a joke about his sweaty fingers but couldn’t form a single word. He looked so smitten and stared right at your face. Somewhere between your nose and lips, or maybe chin…? You couldn’t work out why would he stare at your mouth. Did you have something there from the mask? Or was he… looking for traces of plastic surgery you just denied? 

“I told you no plastic surgeries.“ you giggled and as your mouth formed a smile his ears weren’t pink anymore. Just pure burgundy. 

“I-I can very much see that.“ He finally moved his eyes to yours.

“Want a twisted donut?“ You smiled once again and picked up another piece with the fork, moving it to his mouth. Jaehyun caught the fork mid way and tore it from your fingers quickly, chewing on the piece, not allowing to play the plane game with him.

“Do you know DK from Seventeen?“ You asked out of the blue, while Jaehyun took another piece in his mouth.

“Not personally, do you?“ He wondered. 

“No, but Yugyeom from my company is your age and he said he heard of you because his friend DK was in the same class with you.“

“Yeah, that’s true.“  Jaehyun nodded, not connecting the dots yet.

“I gave him your phone number.“ You didn’t want to continue tip-toeing, just say straight the info you held back. You were a little shocked Jaehyun choked on his drink and widened his eyes like that. You were expecting them already kicking it off, but it seemed they didn’t contact him, still.

“Why…?“ He cleared his mouth even though it was spotless.

“Because he said they have a friend group of idols your age. I thought you’d be happy.“ You did honestly only think of him in that moment. Jaehyun needed more friends so he’d stop messaging you. Okay, maybe you did think of yourself a little too. 

“No-, I am-, no, but like why? That’s a little weird. Are you two close? Already.“ the last word was a whisper but you picked up on it with no issue. 

“He just randomly told me this, when we were together at the company. About all his friends of the same age, I thought of you and he said everyone would be glad to have an additional member to the crew.“ Jaehyun stared confused at you. “If that’s not what you want I’m going to message him not to.“ 

“You even got his phone number?“ Jaehyun asked shocked.

“Of course, how would I message him your phone number if I didn’t?“ You smiled at the weird questionary and the weird reaction. Maybe Jaehyun needed a minute or two to process what you did. 

“Thanks, but you really shouldn’t have.“ He said flabbergasted, shaking his head a little in protest.

“Why?“ you pouted.

“Makes it look like I’m asking my friend to go around and make friends for me.“ 

“A) he doesn’t know we’re friends, so if you don’t tell them anything, they won’t ever find out. I just said we trained together. B) he literally asked for it himself. He asked how old I was and then started bragging about his friends. If you don’t like them you can just ignore them, but I’m sure you’ll love him and his friends.“

“Why? Because you do?“ Jaehyun pressed… and teased? If he wasn’t teasing you’d get real concerned with the face expression he had.

“No, I literally don’t know him like that.“ You rolled your eyes with a smirk at him. It felt so weird being teased by Jaehyun about -god forbid saying this out loud- men, you somehow connected to. 

“Have you talked to Yuta ever since?“ Yeah, talking about men you somehow connected to. How fucking painfully did it sting to hear Yuta’s name.

“Has he said anything about me?“ You swallowed excitement and curiosity in one go. Just a nonchalant question about an acquaintance. 

“No, I don’t gossip about you.“ Jaehyun stated firmly and you gave him an appreciative nod.

“I-.“ You almost said you called him once or twice and even got a text from him, saying he’s busy and will call you later. Side note, he didn’t. “I didn’t.“ You didn’t want to hurt Jaehyun, even you’d be hurt if he told you he contacted someone but didn’t try to call you. And you really didn’t try to call him. 

“So you two are done?“ Jaehyun half whispered. 

“I don’t know.“ If you had an answer, you would’ve given him just that.

“Doesn’t not being in contact means you’re done with each other?“

“I don’t know, Jaehyun.“ you grumbled, you didn’t want to think how the possibility of never kissing Yuta again was growing in wild proportions. You didn’t like it, you didn’t want it. “Maybe you can ask him and tell me, since he’s your member and friend.“ You chuckled and regretted, because Jaehyun’s eyes looked like he took your words seriously, like he’d go out and ask him. And you’d want to tell him not to, except for you don’t have it in you to stop him. Maybe you need his help, to get to the end of this story.

“If that’s what you want I will.“

-

Opening that old can of warms made you want to reach out to Yuta once again. What was he doing? What was he thinking? Surely, if Jaehyun found time to see you, Yuta would’ve been free too. You wished you could just walk back to the dorm and catch him in his room - that way he’d have no choice but look at you and talk to you. Your fingers lingered over the four letters on your screen. ‘Yuta <3’. You couldn’t make a decision to call him, you couldn’t force yourself to type out a message. At the next stop, the bus you were taking back to the dorm brakes too abruptly and you’re just thankful that you’re sat down and don’t  smash your head against the window, but what you don’t notice is in the moment of inertia push of your body your fingers pressed onto the name and now you were dialling Yuta. 

“Oh fu-.“ You gasp, ready to end the call before you’re interrupted. 

“Y/n?“ A loud chirp called you and as much as you wanted to act like you didn’t hear it - you clearly did and it was too dumb to act deaf. You recognised the voice, too, raising your head and smiling at the person in front of you despite the mask that obviously covered your face. “Do you mind?“ Said person pointed at the seat next to you and you gave them a nod. You almost relaxed and asked how did you end up on one bus, but through silence in the said bus you heard a “yes?“ In your phone. Fuck, Yuta, you realised you didn’t get a chance to cancel the call and he answered but your neighbour must’ve heard the call too, since her eyes moved to your phone and you had to end the call in absolute panic before she could read, connect the dots and ask questions. 

[15:02] from Yuta <3: what was this?

Oh fuck, why would he want to finally talk to you when your brains are all mush and another person is staring at you.

“Where you’re coming from?“ she asks with a smile. You sighed, seems like she didn’t have the time to notice anything.

“Ah, went to see my parents.“ She gave you a nod and you had to ask. “I’m sorry. Yeji, right?“

“Right.“ she gifted you with another nod.

“I’m sorry, so many new people around and not much time to talk to everyone. I still get a little confused with names.“ You excused yourself shyly. You were spending so much time agonising over Yuta you had no chance to go out and make friends.

“Don’t worry. I only joined the company a month before you. Still confuse some names.“

“Oh-, really? Did you train somewhere else prior? You’re very skilled.“ You recalled multiple occasions you saw her in action. 

“No-, oh god.“ She sincerely smiled “Why would you say this, you literally trained in SM for the longest time.“ Her eyes wrinkled in a perfect way, you couldn’t believe the girl was this pretty. 

“It really doesn’t mean anything.“ You waved her off with a chuckle. “I didn’t make it in the big run so it really doesn’t matter.“

“Wah… It’s really nothing, we’ll make it big in here.“ She giggled and her laughter flew through the bus, enveloping it in such sweet and encouraging girliness. 

“I really love the cut of your eyes.“ You let her know randomly, because her eyes were really pretty and she stared at you all flustered and shy with those eyes.

“Oh, you really shouldn’t say this.“ She waved her palms at you in the cutest act of denial, bowing mid action and hiding her face in her palms. “What year are you-“ she giggled lightheartedly and this simple interaction made your day so much better. You were still floating on Jaehyun happy virus that spread through your body and Yeji added so much to that. You were feeling happy for the first time in months.

“It’s fine, we can be friends-.“

“Oh“ she suddenly straightened her back at the hint you were older.

“No, no, no.“ you stopped her quickly and laughed. “It’s okay, I promise. We can be friends. I haven’t made any yet in here, so I think as first come first serve you can be the privileged one and talk freely.“ You would’ve not minded if she was your 10th friend in here. She was so cute and seemed so sweet, she could really refer however she wanted to you any time of the day.

“Oh.“ She gasped again and you suddenly felt like a mighty and wise senior. Someone with power and influence, except for you really weren’t and she could be the next pop star and you’ll just stay you, the greatest achievement being an announced SM Rookie. The single thought made you shake in fear. “Thank you.“ She smiled and trained her eyes on the view outside. “Oh, on-, I mean, Y/n, it’s our stop next, press the button, please.“ She pointed at the stop button and you finally focused your eyes on the outside, letting the driver know you’re departing here. You took off the bus and crossed the road to get to your building. As the two of you waited for the elevator, you pulled out your phone, typing the address of your dorm to the last chat in messages.

[15:34] to Yuta <3: thats where i live now

[15:34] to Yuta <3: if you ever feel like seeing me, just call. i’ll come outside.

[15:35] to Yuta <3: i’m usually free from 10pm

[15:35] to Yuta <3: i really miss you.

-

You tried not to think of the fact that your messages to Yuta were never rewarded with an answer. You had an additional hour free, since your choreographer had a birthday today and send all of you home early. You didn’t have much to do, you really were the type to lay on your bed and scroll through your Instagram and see what all your friends been up to. You looked at the picture of Ning hugging tightly the bear she was gifted by all girls back when you were part of that floor. It seemed she was in your previous room and you smiled, reaching out to her through DMs. “Solo room???? CONGRATS!!!“ you giggled and hit sent.

[20:55] From 2xNing: Solo room it is!! We had a real competition for it, but no one could ousting me so I won

[20:55] To 2xNing: Ahahahah I’m happy it’s in good hands

[20:59] From 2xNing: What’s the room arrangement like for you now???

[20:59] From 2xNing: When am I getting the debut announcement from you??

You looked around and didn’t really want to tell her anything. There was you and 3 other girls and if the two of them had a bunkbed, you and one more girl had just thick mattresses that were supposed to migrate to an actual bed frame but somehow still stayed on the floor. You were thankful even for that, because you had to sleep on a yo for the first month due to some logistical issues and it was disastrous. You didn’t even sleep on a yo when you were a kid and visited your grandparents, you really didn’t want to think about that ever again. 

The room had no air conditioning and looked old, in addition to being generally small, but you didn’t want to complain. It was hot and humid but at least you had a chance to debut and they promised to move you all to a different dorm in the nearest future. You were just hoping that nearest future would come. Everyone seemed baffled with the rooms, but everyone seemed closed off and didn’t want to discuss these things with you. People wanted to maintain their image, they kept themselves distanced and awkward. You really hated on yourself for the lack of will to get closer on your part. You were new and they were already settled, so you felt like an outcast thanks to the inner battles you had with people from you previous agency. Were you considered a threat? Just unlikable? You didn’t even have time to work these things out. Ugh, you really needed to put in work to befriend them. Your eyes ran over the room once again, and literally everyone stared into their phones, earphones plugged in. 

[21:03] To 2xNing: room sucks on default since its shared and I’m used to being solo, but I guess it helps us to connect

[21:03] To 2xNing: no debut for me tho lol

[21:03] from Yuta <3: Think you could see me tonight?

You jumped up on the mattress and hit your head on the bedside lamp that hung right above your head. 

“What is it?“ Chaeyeon, that had been laying on her back facing you, pulled her earphones in one swift motion at the sight.

“Oh, no. It’s nothing.“ you mumbled awkwardly only receiving a side eye from the girl. You needed to rehabilitate yourself in all of their eyes. “It’s my-, my childhood friend. I didn’t expect them to reach out to me. That’s it.“ You looked at your phone awkwardly. 

“Okay.“ She shrugged uninterested. Okay, whatever, you sighed. 

[21:04] to Yuta <3: I could

[21:05] to Yuta <3: When?

[21:05] to Yuta <3: I’m home

[21:06] from Yuta <3: I’m outside

-

so we're starting off with a cliff hanger lol but as I promised, I have good news. Part 5 is coming out next Monday 5pm EST.

while I personally love reading long chapters, I've decided to cut everything max to 10k since I'm sure reading 20k words takes a ridiculous amount of time for everyone

more good news that involve Haechan are coming very soon!

I hope tumblr doesn't f this up and this reaches people

anyway, see you next Monday :)

[inkabelledesigns]

Saw a post about crossdressing this morning and also got a message that warmed my heart, and that got me thinking about a moment where I had some gender related euphoria. So now I'm gonna tell you a story.

So about a year or two ago, my parents were out of town on a trip while I stayed home to care for my brother. And in that time, it snowed. Now, I'm a bit out of practice when it comes to shoveling, we don't get as much where we live now, but I knew I had to go shovel it so the driveway didn't become dangerous. So I went out and took care of our driveway and sidewalk. And I noticed, I was late, everyone else had already done theirs. Everyone, except for myself and my neighbor. My neighbor is an older lady, she can't get around so well. So once I finished our property, thinking I was all alone, I went and got her sidewalk cleaned up.

Well, I was not as stealthy as I'd thought. She ended up coming to the door and called out to me in thanks. And she asked me if I was my father's son. I guess she remembered that her neighbors had a son, but not that they had three daughters as well. We'd never met before, she probably didn't know I existed. Now she does, she sees me taking photos in our yard of my dolls at the very least. But there I was in my winter coat and pajama bottoms, my long hair a mess under my hat, slightly sick with a cough, being mistaken for an eldest son. When my mom called to check up on us, I told her this story, and she laughed and said she was sorry. And I couldn't help but be confused. There was nothing to be sorry for. If anything, I rather liked being mistaken for a gentleman. It likely wasn't a comment on my presentation, it was more likely a case of piecing together information incorrectly and my performing of a task that typically (but not always) a man might do. But I'd like to think maybe I was convincing regardless.

And that was the first time I really came to terms with that for myself. I don't identify as a man in the slightest, but I like being mistaken for a man. I like occasionally dressing in a way that's masculine, hell, I have a character for cosplaying that makes me feel hella handsome whenever I put him on. I aspire to voice more male characters, I have this deep voice for a woman and I want to flex it a little, push it to see what it can do. There's a friend I voice some OCs for that happen to be a couple, a man and a woman, and in this one skit where they're together, so many people don't catch on that I play both characters until they get to the credits. That is such a good feeling! What a funny thing, to be excited that you couldn't identify me as me, but genuinely, I love that just as much as I love being recognized. I have range, baby! I like feeling like a shapeshifter, that I can be anything I want, be that masculine, feminine, neutral, over the top, whatever. I've got the power to do that. There's something really freeing in that. I still feel like a woman, but it's nice to know that being a woman doesn't limit how I can present or how I'm allowed to feel about myself. I can truly be anything.