#i can't really focus on it today
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#$115 for 6 months#$155 for 12 months#and $229 for 24 months#i don't know how much i believe in eharmyor dating apps in general but i feel as though i should at least give it 6 months?#maybe a year?#i just - i would like to have someone to love.#i just know that my future partner does not live where i live and i don't want to date anyone from the valley#will i be lucky enough where someone finds me interesting enough to talk to?#it's okay if not#oh well#i can't really focus on it today#i need to study for a wuiz i am taking today then mentally prepare for this no social media hiatus my SOCW is requiring us to do next week#it's going to a struggle because i use social media and streaming services as an escape from my mind so oof#i have to make a post about on Friday or this weekend#okay#SIGH#today will be an okay day ❤️
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#pine art#stan marsh#kyle broflovski#south park#south park fanart#idk. i can't focus today but heres some little guys#didn't personalize the designs at all really bc idk.#i'm Vulnerable about My Designs right now
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does anybody else feel the weight of living today or is it just me and the guy who shaved his head in snap back music video
#i'm so numb today idk#i can't really focus on anything i wanna go home please let me go home#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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melinoë: actually chronos im from the future. you eventually realize the error of your ways and you trained me to stop you before it's too late
chronos: ok so that's obviously bullshit
me: oh... the fanfic possibilities though...
#evan speaks#zukoandtheoc plays hades 2#hades 2 spoilers#hades ii spoilers#chronos: you can't travel back in time#me: tf are you doing sending me to asphodel then#also finally got to use my newfound ability to pause against him. that was fun#however. I did go into that fight with a whole 20 health and no dds. so yknow.#I didn't even have any fear on I was just really not playing well today#trying to focus on upgrading keepsakes n doing prophecies n stuff#ngl. not feeling good about how fast the oath scales up. gonna have to figure out how to give feedback on that
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I miss him (a fictional character I can access at any time by going back to the source or by writing my own fics or by reading others' fics). I also want new canonical content of said character which is 😩.
#johnny silverhand#kerry eurodyne#cb2077#cyberpunk 2077#uncharted 4#sam drake#nate drake#silverdyne#drakecest#I am struggling here#I'm in my Johnny feelings this evening#I can't handle a single game today#idk I can't really focus today#I should probably try accessing the tabletop game's material#I'm just being lazy and lost about that
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Shoutout to my siblings for putting up with my neurodivergent ass. Just now I remembered how multiple times I tried to convince them that we should roleplay a complex trading system between towns and/or nations. I wanted no plot, one dimensional characters, and all the focus on trade. It's a miracle they didn't tease me more lol
#why was I so obsessed with playing trade?#i enjoyed creating poltics; religions; histories; and cultures so much more but all of that stuff I prefered to do myself#why was trade the one worldbuilding thing I wanted to share?#anyway I was basically made for worldbuilding I guess#I do worldbuilding a lot and then never write stories for most of those#and then ironically many of my stories I feel lack good worldbuilding#it's like I can't blend the two :(#or maybe it's just that I get Too caught up in worldbuiliding so in order to focus on writing a plot I need to ignore it? idk#anyway my brain has been running in circles all day#i have spent all afternoon and evening sewing and scrapbooking#two hobbies I have never done before today#I also really really want to make a dollhouse by hand which is also something I've never done#why is creativity like this?#idk but I'm having fun :D#sorry I haven't been writing tho#personal
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#long talk in tags incoming i guess#i don't understand why people keep following me when everything i do is complaining lately#and not about dnp per se. but about how the work is done and how their team *coughs* martyn *coughs* is handling stuff#i'm just looking at all this mess and i can't agree with basically anything#everything goes against my beliefs when it comes to work organisation. customer focus and etc.#and i'm trying SO hard to mildly help for free. and i'm just getting ignored. but that's like.. basic fixing and shit#any decent company would do it and say thank you for noticing and letting us know#but not irl merch lmao#and it all feels and looks like a massive joke#and i'm so so tired to basically pay for existence of this mess#i'm rethinking a lot of tour related decisions i made. and i know the reason i made them was about travelling more than the show itself#so i don't completely regret it#i'm just so tired of being spat in the face (figuratively speaking) over and over again#and tired of no one taking their job seriously ffs#neither martyn nor dnp nor their fucking editors#and i'm doing all that not for attention or whatever. but because I really care for the words to be correct and for the fucking text..#.. to be in the middle. like idc about the credit or WHO i need to ask for it to be fixed. i just want it to be fixed#so it looks good and how it should look#like. it's not that hard to put a little care into the things you do and getting paid for#I don't understand how it became so normalized. how being a bad manager is okay if you work with a fanbase and you're a 'small company'#a small company who has more than enough money to hire people to check things btw. if only anyone cared#i'm just so so tired of caring. because apparently it's not something everyone else does.#and i can let it slide when it comes to dnp. they are not being literally hired to do it. but others..... yeah#today was a moment when i thought 'that's a perfect opportunity to leave. enough.'#but the tour is in 1.5 months and i have tickets so i can't leave lmao#what kind of joke that is? oh and i know i'm fully responsible for this mild breakdown#personal
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Celeste game chapter 7 C-Sides SPOILERS AHEAD
I DID IT!!!!AAAAAA!!!!!
Granny....T.T
playing this after Farewell really REALLY HITS HARD T__T
and with that, i FINALLY FINISHED CHAPTER 7 C-SIDES!!!!!!!!!!(;w;)ง
now the only thing left(aside from golden and moon berry)is 8C!!!!!
(actually started it a bit and already died over and over with another new button command oh my god adkashdk)
#i try to distract myself from stressful stuff yesterday#by playing this even more stressful level lmaoooo#can't believe i died over and over in the 1/4 part of last screen a few days ago but today i manage to pass it without even--#keeping focus on it..i was just huh? i passed that hard ass part already?? and im alreaday this part that i died at last time!?#its the feeling i really like in celeste game!#celeste game#celeste#my post
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"It's ok to cry in class when working" why do I feel like shit then
#i worked so bad today#i wanted to use it in the exercises but I did a really horrible thing in the first part of the class#and then i cried but still didn't work like i was supposed to and i really wanted to commit and focus#but i couldn't#and I'm trying to just feel and not analyse it but it's hard#i simultaneously want to feel this and know i can't because a. it's not even really my pain and i need to be strong for someone else#because i know she's stubborn and won't show how hard she's breaking#I don't know if i should text my therapist#I'm surprised about how I'm handling this because i didn't even think i could react this badly#i forgot what point b. was#anyway point is#learing how to act is worse then therapy#*than
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still got an occasional gross cough and a bunch of anxiety over being back at work with a certain horribly exhausting person but prolonging the stress will prob make it worse so I might as well go back to work tomorrow.
I stress cleaned everything in my flat today except the piles of washed clothes and unwashed dishes so things are back to normal once more, and then I sorted out all the stuff for upcoming project + exam prep and packed my bag for tomorrow and laid out clothes so I'm as ready as I can be.
gonna be exhausted tho bc it's already 11 pm and I gotta be up by 4:30 am at the latest if I wanna be at work at my usual time. I don't have to be there at 6:30, I could go there at 9 or 10 even but then I would have to stay late and deal with people right away, which is a strong hell nah for me
#we'll see how it goes. if I end ul feeling like utter shit in the morning or the cough gets worse again as it has been kinda#then I'll just divert to going to the doc instead. maybe ask for another day or two. it'll be a short week anyway#since the 3rd is a national holiday and most ppl will take the following day off to have a long weekend#so we'll see. gonna go with my gut on this. either way. and try to fight against the anxiety bc it'll just escalate again if I let it#today was proof enough of that. cleaning the entire place bc of nervous energy is a clear sign that I'm not doing so hot#but as therapy teaches you: recognising the pattern is the first step in changing it. so all that's left is adjusting behaviour#can't fix her attitude and her lack of care about anyone else and her disregard of other people's emotions#all I can do is focus on the rest of the bunch bc they're wonderful folks and on the work since there's plenty to do#esp with the project time starting now. I really gotta get on that. I have a week and a half to figure out the practical aspects etc#and I'm sure I'll be returning to a bunch of emails and messages and unfinished tasks rip#all the more reason to be there early as usual so I can take some time to get back on track#a day in the life of..
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I just found out that a tilt table test isn't like, getting tilted back and forth for a while, you lay there for thirty minutes and then they tilt you upright REAL QUICK, im gonna fail that test so hard lmao
#at first I'm like hmmmm idk if I meet the criteria for orthostatic intolerance idkkk#and tested my HR a few times from laying/standing with a few minutes in between#but if it's THIRTY MINS at rest before they flip me?#I'm fucked lmao#the biggest increase from sitting to standing that I've seen in the last two days#was 24bpm#that's like...not the worst. it's outside the normal range but it's not BAD#it's not pre syncope levels of bad#but I've also deliberately increased my salt intake ever since the PT said POTS to me on Tuesday so#hmmmmm#sometimes I feel like my fucking around and finding out isn't very science based and k can't possibly accurately diagnose myself and then#this stuff happens...#I'm so fucking tired bro#I got so confused and frustrated about a really stupid and simple thing today that I just started crying#I've been crying a LOT in the last two weeks#BUT#only two more shifts and then I'm free from this job forEVER!!!#and I can focus on my health or lack thereof#I don't expect cures or even really effective treatments at this point I just want to know WHY#like WHAT is happening with my body bro#it's never worked particularly well or normal but the last time I felt physically healthy was early 2022#it's been almost TWO years since I felt healthy and I'm 25#and I feel like it's getting progressively worse. not by huge increments but enough#maybe that's just symptoms stacking? idk#maybe it's just extended fatigue without really feeling rested#I have no clue which is why I would loooove to know bro#sigh#little Victorian boy wasting disease
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Hate to ask this but...could someone distract me? With...anything?
#bad news from the job i'm afraid#can't say anything in public#but i can't focus on anything#not even music#can't work#can't write#can't even really...feel#or at least. not in any way that's straightforward#and i have things to do today
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somebody send me asks 😂😂😂😂😂
i'm procrastinating on dialogue 😂😂😂
#bucktommy#or really on anything#you can be anonymous#i won't be offended#i can't focus today lol#maybe its the anxiety meds for the first time in months 😂
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the amount I've been hoarding away some of the memes I've seen on the dash over the last week or so is so not okay for someone with as many drafts as me ashfjdh
#me: i want to focus on getting through all my drafts when i get some energy back#also me: but good & juicy memes........#I'm thinking I'm gonna lean more into doing whatever the hell pleases me once I get back to writing tbh#but I'm almost definitely throwing all the drafts into a paused queue that I won't start posting until they're all finished#will I reblog a meme or two to play with as I do that? probably. almost definitely.#fresh stuff always helps get my brain going again ahdjgsg#but know that drafts will be happening!!!! I did delete some stuff but like. not enough lmfao. I have too many great threads#that I can't bear to let go of and i've kinda accepted that at this point#sorry I'm so slow y'all pls know that me taking forever to get to shit has nothing to do with how much I'm enjoying our threads#the fact that I'm clinging to them despite wanting to start completely fresh & dump everything says a lot more about how much I love em all#anyway. may or may not write tonight? I'm going with the flow tonight & rn the flow is telling me to keep reading#I finished my reread of the second book in the millennium series last night (& stayed up way too late in order to do so ahdgksg)#& I've started my reread of the third today and I just. I can't stop. it's too good.#if I find the willpower to put it down at some point I might dabble in poking at smth but. if not perhaps tomorrow uvu#(also want to note I've been marking the books through my reread with pink page flags#whenever smth really smacks me in the face with how much byan was inspired in some way by lisbeth lmfao)#ANYWAY. love u guys!!! I'm lurking & hoping you're all doing well!!! 💜💜#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.
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Oof today is going to be a long day today
#personal#i really have had trouble sleeping all night and can't seem to catch any more sleep#i'm really gonna try my best to pace myself today#as i have a pretty full workday ahead of me and progging for our last aloalo savage clear tonight#i can squeeze some naps in I think however#but i'll try to focus resting when i'm not able to sleep#gonna get some exercise in soon to help with my body having trouble settling down
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